gretavanbrie

[gretavanbrie]

Jane Austen, from a letter to her sister Cassandra Austen

[gretavanbrie]

caption is so real

I promise I'm normal about these two

[gretavanbrie]

I’ve only ever cried tears to one other fanfic in my life, amor fati has jerked my ducts so fucking hard it takes the cake. this was such a good read in such a bittersweet way. I will not recover, however. Thank you.

Amor Fati - II

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x Reader

Word Count: 20.0k

Warnings: Cursing, Alcohol, Talks of Marriage, Talks of Children, Severe Angst, Yelling, Arguing, Gaslighting, Begging, Heartbreak, Severe Sadness, Depression, Crying, Kissing, Graphic Sexual Content, Unprotected Sex.

A/N: This is part two of this two part series. I implore you to read the warnings before you start to make sure this is something you are prepared for. Thanks so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it.

HER POV

You sat alone on the couch, mindlessly flicking through channels in hopes of something jumping out at you. Something, anything, that would take your mind off of Jake. Or the lack thereof. You checked your phone again seeing the screen still blank. 

This wasn’t the first time you’d stayed back as they went on tour. There had been several tours you opted out of, whether it be to save space, take care of the house in his absence, or just to avoid the hassle of back to back travel in a foreign country. Being alone was something you were used to, but this was different. Something changed that night. You could feel it. You both could, and the distance between you wasn’t just the miles anymore.

Three weeks had come and gone since he left. With a soft kiss on the cheek and the promise to be back soon, he left you on the front porch as Josh’s car pulled away from the house. Those first few days were normal. Good even. A call came when he arrived in Denmark, waking you from your dead sleep as you were wrapped around his pillow. He sounded good, clearly happy to be back on the road. And while it wasn’t that he didn’t like being home with you, it’s that the other half of his heart resided on the stage, and sometimes you thought that maybe that part of his heart was bigger than the part you occupied. You were fine with that, knowing he always came home to you and made up every second you spent apart. 

You both noted the time difference, knowing that the prolonged stint overseas would cause a bit of difficulty in your communication, but it wasn’t something you two hadn’t dealt with before. He told you he would call soon, and you knew it would likely be a few days as they recovered from jet lag and got into a comfortable routine. At least, that’s how it typically went. That, however, was the last time he called. 

You stopped hoping for a phone call around the beginning of the second week. A few texts came in every couple of days to check in and let you know where in the world they were. He would ask about the house and make sure everything was okay before disappearing for another few days. You could feel the distance more than you ever had before. He felt so far away, and there was nothing you could do to get through to him. You just had to wait. You would see his face on social media, recapping shows or prepping the crowds for upcoming dates, each time causing your heart to drop into your stomach. 

You tried not to think too much of his absence, keeping yourself busy with the house and seeing your friends. Normally you would spend time with the other partners while they were gone, but this time, everyone was there with them. Everyone but you. Your heart ached as you thought about the plans you’d made for off days and sights you wanted to see. You didn’t dwell on it too much, it wasn’t like he was going to do those things without you now.

Other free time was spent applying for jobs near and far, hoping to find something you enjoyed and were good at. Something you could put your degree to use for. You had worked your whole life until you met Jake, and once you moved in with him he made it very clear there was no need for you to work. He wouldn’t have stopped you if you wanted to continue, but as time ticked on you started to understand what he meant. He wanted you to have the freedom to go where you wanted, be with him on the road if you wanted, and not have to worry about asking for time off. Your life was incredibly comfortable and he had made it so. 

Settling on a movie you pressed the play button, watching the credits flash across the screen. It was then that you felt your phone buzz with an email. You slid your finger across the notification, a local coffee shop offering you a job. It wasn’t necessarily your dream job, and it wouldn’t use your degree, but any job was better than sitting home alone for weeks on end. You felt happy and excited to meet new people. To get out of this house. The isolation was taking a toll on you, and this was exactly what you needed to pull you out of your antisocial slump. 

You quickly emailed back, accepting the offer and informing them you would be ready to come in for training as soon as possible. You couldn't wipe the smile off of your face as you quickly hit Jake’s contact ready to tell him the good news. It rang only twice before you were sent to his voicemail, hearing him tell you he couldn’t pick up but he would call you back, a slight hint of laughter in his voice as he knew that was a lie. And in true Jake fashion his voicemail box was full. You pressed the red button ending the call, instead opting for a text. 

You

10:47AM: Hey babe, sad I didn’t catch you. Was just calling to tell you that I got a job. I start training this week. Should be a good way to pass the time. Won’t be too much longer now. Love you, break a leg tonight.  xo

You toss your phone to your side, relaxing back into the couch with your favorite quilt spread over you, deciding that later you would go shopping for some new work clothes, but for now you would drown your loneliness in ‘The Rules of Attraction’.

—

With the day behind you, you’re fresh out of the shower and tucked into your bed, reaching for your phone knowing Jake should be just waking up for the day. You knew it was likely he wouldn’t respond after his show, knowing he liked to give you his full attention the next morning when he wasn’t rushed. But, as your finger tapped the screen, it was empty. 

You quickly opened your message to him, wondering if it ever sent in the first place, only to find that not only did it send, he read it, making the conscious choice not to reply to you. You felt your heart crack open, the feeling of his rejection washing over you again, similar to the way it did that night a few weeks ago. You locked your phone and tossed it onto the nightstand as your eyes welled with tears, pulling the sheets over your head. His smell has disappeared from the pillows, only remnants of his scent clinging to his clothes in the closet, and as those started to fade too, you started to feel like he was disappearing completely. From everything.

—

Four weeks of silence passed, not a word shared between the two of you. After three days of ignored messages and declined calls you stopped trying. You couldn’t take another message being left on read. You tortured yourself watching the videos as they poured into the family group chat. Photos and videos of everyone enjoying themselves in Italy, Spain and the likes. You couldn’t bear to watch them, but at the same time you couldn’t look away. Just to hear his voice, healed a little piece of your longing heart. You kept busy working at the coffee shop, the shifts long and tiresome leaving you little time to think of Jake until you found yourself alone in the bed each night. 

It was early on a Sunday morning when a message lit up your screen, your phone buzzing on your nightstand waking you from your sleep. It was far too early to be any of your friends, and your real family never texted you. You reached up onto the nightstand, your fingers grabbing the phone and bringing it to your face. Your eyes squinted shut at the brightness, hardly able to read the name on the screen, but as your eyes focused you shot up in your bed, quickly opening the message. 

Jake

6:03AM: Facetime tonight?

You

6:05AM: Jake, we haven’t talked in weeks.

Jake

6:07AM: I know, I’m sorry. I’ll call you tonight. 6 your time?

You

6:08AM: Okay, yeah. That’s fine.

You watched your message change from delivered to read, and with no response you placed your phone back on the nightstand, closing your eyes and trying to find sleep again. It was no use though, your mind now swirling with anxiety over the impending facetime call. You wanted to see him, talk to him, hear his laugh, but after weeks of silence from him you felt a dark cloud looming overhead. 

You spent most of the day convincing yourself that his schedule had finally adjusted, and that he was finally in a place to give you the attention you deserved. You knew he was busy, and you knew that this European tour was going to be a whirlwind for him, which was part of the reason he wanted you to come in the first place. He knew he was going to have a hard time with the distance. 

You gave him the benefit of the doubt as you got ready for your phone call, doing your hair and makeup the way he liked, hoping he would realize how much he missed you when he saw you. Anxiety was wracking through your body as you watched the clock, waiting for the numbers to hit 6:00.

At 6:01 his photo lit up your phone screen, a soft tone ringing through the air as you sat perched in his favorite chair. You take a deep breath as you slide your thumb across the screen answering his call. Your heart is pounding in your chest as his face shows up on your screen, a little grainy, but still him. His voice pours through the speakers, like honey seeping through your veins. 

“Hey…”

“Hi.” you answer, stifling back a smile as you see his long hair and his bristly mustache. Your chest grows warm at the sight of him. 

He’s in your favorite shirt, an old ripped up white thing that should have been tossed years ago. You can’t quite tell where he is, but it's loud and you can hear people in the background. You watch as he turns his head, yelling to someone that he would be right back. 

Your heart drops a little at the thought of such a short call, but you’ll take it over nothing. He walks away from where he was, the sound growing quieter as he sits down beneath some twinkle lights on a patio of some type. 

“Are you sure you want to talk right now? Do you want to just call me later?” you ask, not wanting to take him away from whatever it is he’s doing. 

“Nah, it’s going to be a long night. Don’t think I’ll be able to later.” he answers, swallowing nervously. 

“Well, you look good…I miss you.” you say softly, watching him blink as he turns his face towards the ground. He doesn’t respond, just nods his head as he bites his lips. 

His head lifts and he looks at his phone, “Do you feel it too?”

“Feel what?” you ask, goosebumps rising across your skin. 

He blows out a breath and shakes his head, “The distance. The disconnect. Things are… different.” he answers, seemingly agitated. 

You recoil a little, “Well, yeah, Jake. You uninvited me from this tour. The tour where everyone I love and care about is having the time of their lives, enjoying all the things I planned to do with you. So yes, I feel the distance and the disconnect. Not to mention you haven’t spoken to me in weeks. Leaving me on read? Since when do you do that, Jake? To me?”

Again he doesn’t respond, just nodding his head in understanding. There is a few seconds of silence between the two of you before he looks at you again. 

“I’m really happy that you found a job that you like. It’ll be good for you to get out and make some new friends and meet some new people.”

You shake your head at his response, feeling the formalness in his tone. Why is he acting like this?

“When do you come home?” you ask, sitting back in the chair. 

“Not for another few weeks. Got a few more places we have to go.” he answers. 

“Jake, you called me, what’s going on? Why are you being so…monotone and short?” you ask. 

“I’m not, I just– It’s been a rough few weeks.” he says, blowing out a breath.

“Well, how about when you get back we go somewhere? Take a long weekend or someth–”

“No. No, Y/N, listen…I’ve been thinking a lot the last couple of weeks.” he says, rubbing his hand over his face. 

No.

“We need– I think that it would be best for both of us if we… went our separate ways.” he finishes.

You feel your heart freefalling from your chest, your traitorous tears falling without a second thought. 

“What?” you breathe, unable to see his face on the screen through the blur of tears. 

“We can’t keep going like this. Can’t keep doing this…”

“Can’t keep doing this?! You’re breaking up with me over facetime… at a bar? After five years? After everything we’ve been through? And… you’re done, just like that? Not even the courtesy to do it in person?” you stammer. 

You watch his head fall, “Y/N…”

“No, you couldn’t even wait to do it until you got home? It was so pressing you had to do it right now, in a bar, halfway across the world?!” you shout, letting your emotions get the best of you. 

“No, it needed to happen. It should have happened that night at home, I just… couldn’t do it yet.” he answers, honestly coloring his tone. 

Shock washes over you, “Oh, so you’ve just been planning to break up with me this whole time?”

“No! I just– This needs to happen for both of us to have the lives we want to have! I love you, Y/N, and I hate that I can’t give you the life that you want, but these last few weeks have proven that to me. You don’t want this life and it’s not going to change.”

“We were fine before you left! Everything was fine, Jake!” you shout. 

“We were not fine, Y/N! We were walking on eggshells around each other! Just avoiding the inevitable!” he counters. 

“Is there someone else?” you breathe, feeling your heart pounding so hard you might pass out.

“No, Y/N. There’s no one else. There will never be another you. You’ll always be as close as I ever got. I will kick myself for the rest of my life for not being able to give us the life I planned all those years ago.” he admits, blinking back his own tears. 

“You don’t have to do this, Jake...” you beg.

“Yes, I do. I have to do this for you.” he demands, unwavering in his opinion.

“Please! Just don’t! Come home and we can talk about it then, just please!” you plead, tears streaming down your face. 

He shakes his head as he looks away from the phone, not daring to look at you. “No, Y/N. I– I didn’t want to be harsh but this is it. This has to end. I can’t continue this way.”

A sob breaks free from your throat as you look at him, his beautiful, perfect face so twisted with pain. 

“Jake, I live with you! I have– I have nowhere to go!”

“Yeah, I’ll… help you move somewhere when I get home, but you have a little bit of time. I can help you with whatever financially, you know that you just have to tell me and it’s yours.” he pauses, looking at you finally. “You have to know that I’m not doing this because I don’t love you anymore. I am doing this because I love you too much. I love you and I want you to be happy. To live the life that the girl I fell in love with wanted. The one who had plans for the big house and the family and a dog… I just know I can’t give you that. I want you to find someone who can.”

“Jake, I don’t want anyone but you!” you shout, tears dripping down your neck. “I don’t want those things with anyone that isn’t you! I want that life with you!”

“I can’t give it to you, Y/N. And I won’t stay with you knowing that. Knowing I am wasting your time. Taking you away from someone who can give you your dreams.” he says, his voice thick with emotion. 

“So that’s it, then?” you ask, your voice cracking.

He swallows and nods his head, “Yeah...” 

JAKE POV

The bile is rising in your throat quicker than you can manage as you watch the tears fall from her eyes. Before you can say another word to her she ends the call, leaving your screen on her contact information. One glance at the photo of the two of you has your stomach churning and your mouth watering, an urgent feeling washing over you as your eyes search for the bathroom. 

Your legs carry you quickly to the restroom, kicking open a stall door as you empty the contents of your stomach into the toilet. Your body tenses as you wretch, feeling almost as if your body is betraying your mind, emptying your system of the poisonous feelings swirling through you. You’d tormented yourself over it all day, knowing that this was going to be hard, but you had no idea of the physical manifestation of pain you’d experience. 

You tell yourself over and over that you’re doing the right thing. You’re doing the right thing for her. But if it’s right, why is the decision torturing you? Why are you heaving over a toilet bowl at the sight of the pain you caused her?

You hate this. You hate all of it. You want to take the next flight home, straight to her. Hold her in your arms and tell her you’ll make it work. That you’ll figure it out. But you know deep down that you never will. You’ll never figure it out. It will never work. 

You wipe your mouth on the back of your hand, falling down to the sticky floor beneath you as you catch your breath. Your eyes are blurry with tears, falling rapidly as the grief consumes you. How were you supposed to do this without her? You’d never done any of this without her. Could you do it without her?

She was right. She had been there for everything. From the day you signed with the label until now. Your rock. Your voice of reason. Your soft place to land. Everything you ever wanted, and you just tossed her away as if she was nothing. The sick feeling returns, your stomach swirling at the thought of life without her. Your heart is pounding in your chest as you reach for your phone. You have to call her. You have to make sure she is okay. 

You hit the phone icon, staring a second too long at the photo of the two of you, feeling your heart twist in anguish. How could you do this to her? 

The dial tone rings out over and over. You know she’s not going to answer. You wouldn’t either if you were her. Your heart sinks as you hear her voicemail and with a shaky hand you end the call knowing you twisted the knife too far this time. There was no coming back from this.

You let the tears fall for a minute longer, mourning the loss of her, here in this shitty bar bathroom. She deserved so much better than what you gave her. You should have done this in person. You knew that. She knew that. 

You pull yourself up off the ground, dusting off your pants and flushing the toilet. You quickly wash your hands and splash cold water on your face to try and bring down the red appearance. Your mind races with thoughts of her. The state she left you in. You immediately pull your phone out again, knowing that if she wont answer your call she will at least read your texts. She always reads your texts. 

You

12:49AM: Please call me back. I want to make sure you’re okay.

Before you can slide your phone into your pocket you feel it buzz and a wave of relief washes over you. 

Y/N

12:50am: I am not okay Jake.

The bathroom door flies open as you start to type, your eyes flicking up to see Josh, happy that he has finally found you. 

“The fuck are you doing in here? Let’s go!” he shouts. You lock your phone and shove it into your pocket so as to not raise suspicion, and follow him out of the bathroom as you discreetly sniffle away your tears. 

“You good?” he asks, turning to you and taking in the state of your face. 

“Yeah, yeah I um, I think I might head back to the hotel. I don’t think I’m down for another bar actually.” you answer, hoping he will buy it. You know there's a fifty fifty chance that he will see right through you. 

He stares at you for a second before speaking, “Alright, well…We’re staying out. But text me when you get back, yeah?” he says, clapping his hand against your shoulder. You nod and sigh a breath of relief that he let this go this time. 

You make your departure and walk the short distance back to the hotel, feeling the hole in your chest growing larger and larger as more time passes. You bring your phone to your ear as you walk, calling her again but this time instead of ringing it goes straight to voicemail. You feel like you’ve been struck by lightning as you end the call. 

By the time you step into your hotel room you’ve convinced yourself that she’s blocked your number, and you don’t blame her. It doesn’t make it hurt any less though. You drag yourself through a shower, your heart aching as you wash your hair with the shampoo she helped you squirt into the tiny travel bottles before you left. It kills you to know that those were some of your last happy moments with her. 

Your stomach threatens to empty at the sight of the shiny metal cuff in your toiletry bag. A sickening reminder of what you’d just lost. You can’t stand to look at it. Not right now. You zip the bag closed and toss it onto the counter, smacking the light switch a little too hard.

You slide into the cold hotel bed, the room dark and silent. The glow of your phone screen is the only light, illuminating your face for only a brief second as you try to call one last time. 

Voicemail.  

You feel your chest tighten and your eyes welling with tears again as you push a choppy breath through your lips. The pain was crippling you, and her silence made it even worse. You laid there for a few minutes, letting your mind replay the conversation over and over. Seeing her face when she answered the call. Her perfect face and her perfect hair, in your favorite shirt in your favorite chair. You knew she missed you. You knew she did all of that for you, and you still broke her heart. 

Your phone buzzes on your chest, pulling you from your wallowing. A notification from the Ring Doorbell showing on the screen. You scramble to open it, watching the video playback of her walking up to the door with a bag full of groceries. The sun almost completely set there, and her eyes were puffy as she focused on the door. You can see that she’s wearing your sweatshirt, the sound of her sniffle sending a shock of pain through your chest. You can tell her cheeks are red, she was still crying as recently as her drive home. You catch sight of the keys in her hands, noticing that she took your car instead of hers. You don’t think too much of it. She drove your car fairly often. You feel like you might drop through the floor with every second that passes, and suddenly the video is over. Ten seconds was all you got. You got your confirmation that she was, in fact, ignoring you, but worse you know exactly what she went to the store for. Break up supplies, and now that she had them you knew she wouldn’t be leaving the house for quite some time. You roll onto your side, opening her contact again and typing to her one more time. 

You

1:47AM: I’m sorry. Please tell me that you’re going to be okay.

You watch it turn from delivered to read, and when no bubble appears on her end you know that she isn’t going to answer you. You don’t deserve an answer. 

You open your camera roll, scrolling through pictures of the two of you, sliding through hundreds of moments spent with her, happy and in love. A time where this was never a thought in your mind. A tear slides out of the corner of your eye, falling over the bridge of your nose and dripping onto the crisp white pillow beneath you. 

You stop on one photo in particular. The best day you’d ever had with her. A day in Mexico last year. Sunkissed and thriving, the two of you lounged on a Catamaran in the Gulf of Mexico. You can still hear her laugh as the cold water misted across the two of you as the boat sailed. You’d never been more in love with her than you were that day. You stare at her, her skin shining and tanned from the sun, a pink glow on her cheeks. You’d never love anyone like you love her. You knew that even then. 

You knew that and still you let her go.

—

It’s been five days since you’d spoken to her. Heard her voice, or seen her smile. Every second that ticked past you felt like hours, wondering if she was okay. Wondering if you had really done the right thing. Everyday you’ve sent her a message, all of them delivered and none of them receiving a response. This is what you wanted, isn’t it? 

Slated for a week-long stop in Portugal, your heart ached as you recalled the plan the two of you made for your week off. Just the two of you, a villa on the water. Everyday spent on the ocean. You feel sick to your stomach at the thought of doing those things without her. You couldn’t do them. You refused. 

The plane ride was spent scrolling through playlists, looking for something to numb your mind. Something that would ease the pain swirling through you with every sad lyric of every love song you’d ever saved. Her socials are desolate. Not a post, not a like, nothing, in days. She’s silent, and you can’t help but to worry about her. After nearly a week of silence your rationale flies out the window, your fingers typing in her best friend's name. 

You

2:47PM: Casey, have you heard from Y/N?

You’re thankful for the wifi on the plane as her message bounces right into your inbox. 

Casey

2:48PM: Yeah Jake. I have heard from her. 

Okay, she knows and she's mad. You expected this, but at least she's heard from her. 

You

2:50PM: Is she okay? She isn’t answering my calls or texts. I just want to know she's okay.

Casey

2:52PM: I think you lost that privilege. 

You

2:53PM: I understand.

A lump forms in your throat, your chest tightening with grief. Your girl. Your rock. Your everything. Gone.

You tuck your phone between your legs, turning your face to the window next to you hoping that Josh won’t notice the glassiness of your eyes. 

You aren’t sure how long you stared out the window, the clouds were big, white and pillowy. You wondered how it would feel to touch them, would it feel like anything at all? Would they slip through your fingers, too?

Your phone buzzes against your leg, pulling you from your spiraling thoughts. 

Casey

3:23PM: I shouldn’t say anything to you, but I know you and I know you care about her. I don’t fully understand your rationale, but she is okay, she’s completely devastated, but she will be okay. Her phone is off, I haven’t seen it in days. I’m here with her, she isn’t alone.

You feel a weight lift from your chest just knowing she’s not dealing with this by herself. Your heart is pumping rapidly as you respond, the only words you can manage. 

You

3:25PM: Thank you

You open your thread with Y/N, looking at every message that has since turned from blue to green. You feel a little relief that maybe she hasn’t blocked your number, but instead has just let her phone die completely. Staring at the last message she sent you, so excited to talk to you about her new job and you ignored her. Left her on read, purposefully. How could you be so cruel? How much did you hate yourself now because of it?

You know this is how she must have felt. Watching, waiting, wishing for a single word from you. The man who was supposedly in love with her. You betrayed her, and her trust. You told yourself that pulling away from her slowly would be easier on both of you. Gently ease her into a life without you while you were gone. But you were wrong. Horribly, terribly wrong, and now as you stare at the green bubbles of text, you realize that you’ve only made things harder. You were naive to believe that any part of this would be easy.

—

The sun is glaring down on you in your beach chair, the sound of the ocean luring you in and out of a hazy sleep as music plays from your phone. You can hear birds in the distance, the sound of children playing in the water, and as you glance to the empty chair next to you, the voice in your head tells you who should be there. Who should be right next to you, enjoying the vacation you planned together. 

She was so excited to see Europe with you. She spoke of it daily, and you were so busy with your own preparation you never really gave it another thought. You told her to make a plan and you would be happy to make it happen. So she did. And now here you sat, in the beach chairs she rented, without her. 

Your phone buzzes on the small wooden table, the music going quiet as the notification tone rang out. One you would recognize anywhere. The Ring Doorbell. 

You snatch your phone from the table, pushing your sunglasses to the top of your head as you swipe open the notification. Your heart is racing as you wait for the video to load from halfway across the world. When it does, you see your front porch. The sky is dark as someone walks to your front door with groceries, setting them on the mat and pushing the doorbell button. You wait, knowing that if she’s home, she will answer. 

You feel like your heart might pound out of your chest as you wait to see her, hear her voice, and finally you do. The front door opens and the man hands her the paper bags of groceries, telling her he has a few more in the car. You hear her speak to him, thanking him, before the two of them talk about the weather as he hands her the last bags. You don’t see her face, only her hands, but still the sight of her at all is gut wrenching. You miss her, more than you’ve ever missed her before. You’d do positively anything to see her face, and knowing that you can’t and won’t makes it even harder. 

The video ends as the front door closes, but you watch it again. And again. And after listening to her talk for just those few seconds you decide you can’t take it a second longer. You open her contact and press the call button, but this time instead of it going straight to voicemail it rings. You feel a glimmer of hope. Hope that she might answer, but it's all for not when you are met with her voicemail once again. You knew you needed to stop calling her. Stop texting her. But you couldn’t. You still loved her. You still wanted her, needed her, and you wondered if that would ever truly change. 

—

You emerge from the bathroom, steam pouring out from behind you as you step into the quiet, cold bedroom of your rental. You didn’t want to be here, in the villa the two of you booked together, but you had no choice. You were forced to live with the consequences of your actions, and this was one of them. You walked towards your suitcase with your towel wrapped around your waist, droplets of water dripping from the ends of your hair as you showered off your day at the beach. You pull on a pair of boxers and a t-shirt, running the towel through your hair before tossing over a chair. 

Your hands are aching for your guitar, the need to play taking over your mind. It’s the only way you’ve ever known how to deal with pain. Through music. You kick yourself for leaving your acoustic with the crew, thinking you wouldn’t need it this week, but here you are, 20 miles away wishing you had it. You think specifically of your acoustic at home, the one sitting in your music room. A shiny little black Martin you picked up at a guitar show last Spring. God you would do anything to be back in your music room. Your safe space. 

The music room.

Your mind races a million miles a minute as you scramble for your phone in the mess of bed sheets. Your fingers fumble to unlock it, remembering the camera you had installed in the music room. Y/N thought it was a good idea, oftentimes you’d find yourself in there mindlessly strumming away, stumbling upon your next great riff while you were three sheets to the wind with no recollection of it in the morning. With the camera you had the ability to rewind and listen to it. It was brilliant, really, and you were glad you’d done it. Especially right now. 

You open the app, your heart pounding in your chest as the image loads. You knew she wouldn’t be in there, she had no reason to, but maybe if you could just…hear her. Just knowing she's there, in your home would be enough.

As the pixels start to clear up you see your music room, the little lamp still on and glowing in the corner of the room. Everything is exactly how you left it of course, not a single thing out of place. You quickly hit the volume button on the side of your phone turning it up all the way to see if you can hear anything at all, and to your surprise, you can. She’s watching a movie in the living room, and it sounds familiar. The dialogue is muffled, but still you know it’s something you recognize. You hear a sniffle echo through the hallway, barely audible, but your heart breaks. You wonder if she’s crying about the movie, about you, or maybe even both. You listen for a few minutes, feeling almost guilty for eavesdropping on her, but after spending the entire day in the sun, missing her more than ever, you let yourself have this. 

You try to place the movie, and it's on the tip of your tongue, but still it is just out of reach. Suddenly you hear her footsteps as she walks to the kitchen, you hear a glass being set on the counter and the sound of a cork being pulled from a bottle. Seconds later the footsteps are walking away and the movie starts again. Your heart beats a little faster just knowing that she's there. That she’s home and safe.

You close out of the app and rest your phone on your chest, blowing out a breath of air as you picture her in your mind. You can almost see her curled up on the couch, your quilt wrapped around her as she stretches out on the chaise lounge. You wish you were there. You want to be there. Or have her here, where she should be.

You roll onto your side and open Netflix, deciding maybe a movie is what you need, too. Something to get your mind off of her, even if just for a second. The app loads and as your eyes glance over the titles, your heart drops to your stomach. You know now why that movie sounded so familiar. It’s a movie the two of you have watched together a hundred times. The progress bar showing that she is about three quarters of the way through with ‘The Titanic’. 

Your mind replays every single time you two watched it over the last few years, the movie quickly becoming your ‘sick day’ tradition. Everytime one of you wasn’t feeling well, or even during a bad hangover, you would cuddle up on the couch and watch it. It became your comfort movie together, and you’re sure you’d correlate that movie to her and she to you for the rest of your lives. 

You feel a lump form in your throat as your thumb hovers over the play button, and for some reason, you press it. The movie loads at the exact spot she’s at, and it brings a sense of warmth to your chest, just knowing you were sort of watching it together. Whether she knew that or not. You knew it sounded stupid but watching it made you feel close to her, and now a thousand miles away, that's all you really wanted.

You prop your phone up against the lamp and pull the blankets over your shoulders, hugging your pillow to your chest as you let your mind slip away and into the movie. You love her. You miss her, and as you lay here alone, watching your movie without her, you start to understand that you always will. You reach behind you, grabbing the spare pillow and tucking it behind you, tight against your back. It’s cold but you know it will warm up quickly from your body heat. It’s not the same, but it’s all you have. Something you’ve been missing desperately. You close your eyes and just for a second, you pretend it’s her. Her body pressed to your back, imagining her arms holding you tightly as you fall asleep in the comfort and warmth of her embrace. 

—

Your mind is hazy, it’s been that way for a week straight. You can’t seem to sort it out, and you wonder if this is your new normal. You find a little clarity at the bottom of a bottle, letting tequila calm the racing thoughts, and soothe your jittery hands. Tonight was your first show back after your week-long break in Portugal, and while it felt good to be on stage again, it didn’t do a thing to mend the pieces of your shattered heart. 

You found yourself on a barstool now, drowning your sorrows as your brothers watched. They weren’t stupid, but they didn’t dare ask. No, they knew better than to ask. You aren’t even sure what time it is, but you know the bartender just called last round, and your brothers left the bar an hour ago. They tried and tried to get you to come back to the hotel with them, you insisting you would be right behind them, but you knew that was a lie, and you think they did too.

Josh gave you the look. The look he didn’t give you too often. He was worried, and rightfully so. He should be, you were feeling closer to the darkness than you ever had before, and you wondered if in some way he could feel that too. You told him you were okay, but neither of you believed it. 

The room was spinning as you stood from your barstool, confident that you were drunk enough to fall into your bed without thinking of her. Foolishly believing you were capable of that. But that was bullshit and you knew it. The woman hadn’t left your mind in weeks, no matter how hard you tried to drown her out. 

You made it through the front door of the bar, knowing you only had to walk a block or two to your hotel. You pulled your phone from your pocket, trying to focus your eyes enough to unlock it. You opened your texts, seeing a few unread messages from Josh and Sam, but quickly scrolling past them to find her name. You scrolled until you found what you were looking for, something that you took for granted, something you were positive you’d never see again. You read the words, hearing her voice in your head. ‘I love you, see you soon!’ Your heart ached to hear it just one more time. 

You know you shouldn’t, but you do it anyway, hitting the phone icon and letting the line ring. You don’t even know what time it is there, but you don’t care. You get her voicemail and consider leaving her a message but end the call instead. It hits you then that there isn’t just one thing that you want to say, it's a hundred things. You want to tell her about your day. You want to hear about hers. You want to talk about the show, and the weather, and hear her laugh and her tell you that you’re stupid and that there is no such thing as lucky socks. 

You glance back down at your phone, the messages you sent to her last week still marked read. You start to type as you walk, the letters jumbling together in a mess you can hardly read, so instead, you hit the little red icon, watching as the phone starts to record your voice memo. 

You stop it, deleting it, and trying to compose a thought worthy of sending to her. You’re known for your delicately strung together words, but you know that’s not genuine. You know that's not what she wants, so instead, you hit that button again and you just start to talk. 

“Hey, um…Y/N… I–I don’t really know what I thought I was going to say here. It’s probably good that you didn’t answer my call. You’d be mad. I drank too much. I would have just rambled on and on and– Yeah… I just wanted to tell you something, and I just wanted to hear your voice I guess, I don’t know. I– I got a yellow keychain today. Says Venice on it. I saw it and I remembered that yellow is your favorite color and I just couldn’t leave it– fuck. I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about you all the time.” you ramble, your words slurring together the more you went on. It cut you off and sent before you could even listen to it back. 

You hit the button again, watching it record. “It cut me off the bastard…I didn’t mean it in a bad way, that I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s the good way, but it– I– I miss you, Y/N. So fuckin’ bad. I got that wine you like at dinner tonight because– well, because I miss how your lips taste and that was close enough. I’ve read your old texts a hundred times today. You said you love me and I fucking know you do, and I love you too. This shit wouldn’t hurt so bad if I didn’t. You know that, right? You have to know how badly I fucking love you Y/N. Swear I won’t ever stop loving you.” your voice cracks with emotion as you walk through the empty city streets. The memo sends but you know you aren’t done. You’re gonna say everything, one last time.

“I know you’re not going to listen to these, so I know this doesn’t matter but I gotta say it. It's eating me alive to keep it in. I wish you were here, I wish– well, I wish a lot of things but mostly every one of them is about you. At dinner tonight, everyone was talking and I just sat there. I realized that no one asked me what I was going to order. Everyone turned to their partners and they asked each other and I just… I was there, alone, wishing you were next to me asking me. I would have told you I didn’t know, and just picked the first thing I saw when the waiter came. I know what you would have picked though, and I’m so fucking sorry I took this from you. You deserved this. You should be here. You should be fucking here with me.” you continue, watching the message stop and send. 

You tap the button one last time, determined to wrap this up. “Y/N, I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t mean shit to you anymore, but you have to know I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to talk to me right now. I wouldn’t talk to me either. But I am fucking floundering out here without you. I need to hear your voice, and I need to just… talk to you, I don’t know, fuck. I just– I’m awful, terrible, the fucking worst– say it, say all of that. Just say something. I can’t… do the silence. It’s– it’s suffocating me. I know I did this to us. I know it, but I still love you. That didn’t change, baby. Please please, just, don’t ignore me. Don’t leave me alone out here. Please. The–the bed is so fucking empty and I’m so fucking lonely here and I– I know I did this. I know I did this.” you stop the message, sending it to sit with the others, waiting to be ignored. 

Your heart is pumping as you watch it deliver, a thousand more thoughts swirling through your head now that you let a few out. You try to convince yourself that you’ve said enough, that you’ve made your point, but the tequila says otherwise and you find yourself recording once more. 

“If you can just, I don’t know, just call me, one time. Just talk to me for a little bit, just something– anything. I– I can leave you alone after that. We don’t have much longer over here, and I know when I get back things are going to be fucking hard and– baby, just, goddamnit, I don’t know what I want, I guess. I just miss you so fucking bad I feel like I can’t do anything else but miss you and think about you, and it’s killing me. Last night I went to the vending machine in the hotel, and it wasn’t until I was walking back to the room with two waters that I even realized what I’d done. I got one for you and you aren’t even here. You are so…woven into me. The best part of me. Anyway, the water sat on the nightstand next to mine and I stared at it all night. It was almost kind of comforting seeing it there, two things instead of one. ”

You approach the door to the hotel, and you realize that you have been rambling on for nearly fifteen minutes straight, and you still have more you want to say. You make your way through the lobby and up the elevator, tapping your keycard to your door to let you into your room. You hit the record button and start talking as you flop down onto the bed with a sigh. 

“I promise this is the last one, I will stop after this one I swear I just, didn’t realize how much we shared until I had no one to share it with, and that sounds so fucked up to say, but you know what I mean. You know you are everything. Everything in the whole world. I– I miss you baby. I miss you and I love you and I wish you were here next to me right now in this bed that is too big and empty without you. Just please say something to me. Please just… say you love me too. Say you miss me too. Tell me you can’t wait for me to come home. I can’t wait to come home. And I know I don’t deserve to see you, and I understand if you don’t wanna see me, but goddamnit I cannot wait to see you. Just be near you. I love you, Y/N.” 

The last one sends as your eyes start to feel heavy. You kick off your boots and toss your phone to the nightstand, turning off the lamp and letting the alcohol drag you into a dreamless sleep.

When the morning comes, it comes quickly. A heavy handed knock at your door wakes you, Josh barging into the room to make sure that you’re still alive. 

“Fucking prick, can’t answer your phone?” he spits, leaning against the dresser. 

You groan in response, rolling to grab your phone off of the nightstand. It’s nearly dead at 7% and your eyes feel like sandpaper as you try to open them further. You see Josh’s missed calls and numerous texts, each one slept through. 

“Whatever, at least you’re alive. I’ll see you downstairs later. Do not be late Jake. I’m serious. Charge your phone.” he says, pointing at you as he walks back through the door. 

You roll to your back and as you unlock your phone you find it still open on your texts with Y/N, and not only that, the six voice memos you decided to send her last night. Fuck. 

You refused to listen to them, not even wanting to know what you said. What you confessed. You don’t even let your eyes glance at the transcriptions. You are fairly positive you know what they probably say, but you can’t bring yourself to face it. But what you did see was that not only did she listen to every single one, she kept them, too. 

She gave no reply to any of them, and oddly enough you were okay with that, because knowing that she listened, and knowing that she kept them to listen to them again, was enough of an answer for you. 

— 

“Can you stop bouncing your fuckin’ leg like that?” Josh grumbles from the seat next to you. You don’t even notice that you’re doing it, but you stop. It takes a lot to get on his nerves so you must have been at it a while. 

With only twenty minutes until you touch down in Nashville, your nerves are fried. You’d spent the entire twelve hours of travel thinking about what to say. What to do when you see her. Thinking of every possible thing that could happen, each one worse than the last. You thought by now you’d have it all planned out. But as the wheels touch down you still have nothing but crippling anxiety and the overwhelming need to see her. 

You never heard from her, two weeks passed after you sent those voice memos. She never replied and you never sent anything else. She went silent and so did you. You knew that tonight, though, you couldn’t avoid each other. You expected to be met with rage, and it's what you deserved, but you hoped that deep down in there, she could level with you. Try to understand. 

You threw your suitcase into the back of Josh’s Jeep, only a short drive between you and what you’d waited weeks for. He could tell you were on edge, talking to you about any and everything that would take your mind off of things. When he wasn’t talking, the sound of the windshield wipers moving across the glass filled the car. The rain was heavy, some would even say a whitewash. It was fitting for your arrival back stateside, leaving behind the beautiful weather and sunny skies of Europe. 

“You know, if you need to like, come stay with me or anything, you don’t have to ask. You have a key. No questions. You know that.” he mumbles. 

“Yeah, yeah I know. I– I don’t know how this is going to go, man.” you stammer, not even sure what to say to him.

“Well, you just call me if you need me. Things will work themselves out exactly how they are supposed to. Trust that.”

“Thanks for the ride, and everything these last few weeks.” you say, turning to reach for the door handle. 

“No problem. Good luck. Love you.”

You give him a curt nod as you step out of the car and into the rain, your feet landing on the wet sidewalk in front of your house. You quickly grab your suitcase and your guitar case and run up the path to the front door, your heart beating out of your chest as his car pulls away. 

You look out the road one more time, the streetlights just starting to flicker on to illuminate the rainy night. You weren’t supposed to arrive back in the states until tomorrow, but everyone opted for the earlier flight, ready to be home and relax for a while. You noticed both of your cars sitting in the driveway, side by side, how they always were and you knew she was home.

You slide your key into the lock swallowing nervously at what you might find behind the door. You open it slowly, rolling your suitcase inside behind you. The house is mostly dark, the natural light that typically lights your home is gone now that the sun has set and the rain moved in. You drop your keys in the bowl by the door, locking the deadbolt behind you. You kick off your wet boots and leave them by the door, along with your rain soaked coat. You step a little further into the house, listening for any noise but you hear nothing but the rain tinkling against the windows. 

As you pass the living room you see a couple of large cardboard boxes sitting open with things packed inside of them. Your eyes scan the bookshelves, now half empty and bare. Your record collection cut in half with the removal of her own, and the frames on the walls missing their photos.

Reality sets in as you take in the state of each room, half empty, completely lacking any trace of her. She’s really going. 

You tell yourself over and over that you’re doing the right thing. That this is the right thing for her. You tell yourself that she will be happy. That’s all you really want. For her to be happy. You’re giving her her chance at happiness. Even if it costs you your own. 

You trudge to the edge of the stairs, knowing she's up there. You leave your things on the floor, your mind on autopilot as it carries you up the staircase and to your bedroom door. You know this is it. Behind the door you’ll find her, in what state you don’t know, but she will be there, like she always is. 

You take a deep breath as you twist the knob, opening the door to find it in a similar state as the rest of the house. It’s a skeleton of what it once was. It hardly feels like your own home anymore. Everything that made it home was because of her. You can hear the sink running in the bathroom and you know she’s in there. You step a little further into the bedroom, finally catching sight of her from the open bathroom door. She’s so fucking pretty, leaning against the sink as she rubs her fingertips over her face, spreading a sheen of oily softness across her skin. 

Your heart is thumping against your chest as you admire her from where you stand, just seeing her in the flesh bringing a chill to your skin. You shift your weight to your other leg as you watch her, the old wooden floor creaking beneath you. It catches her attention and she jumps backwards at the sound. She turns quickly to look into the room, seeing you standing there with your hands in your pockets. 

“Jake! Oh my god!” she shouts, trying to catch her breath. “What are you– You scared me! I didn’t think you would be back until tomorrow, I–”

“Yeah, yeah I know. We um, we were supposed to get back late tomorrow, but we got the earlier flight today instead. Sam was ready to get home.” you say quietly, almost afraid to speak. Your eyes flick up to hers, studying her face as she steps out of the bathroom. 

“Oh. I didn’t know, you should have said something–”

“I did. I texted you, but you didn’t answer.” you say, biting your lips together. 

She furrows her brows and walks over to her nightstand, her silky black pajamas catching the dim lamplight as she walks. You swallow thickly as you look at her, a sight for sore eyes. Your girl. 

She grabs her phone from the nightstand, picking it up and tapping the screen. “It’s dead.” she mumbles. 

“Seems to be a frequent thing lately…” you say, offering a playful smile. 

She grins a little and tosses it back down. She starts to gather up a few things in her hands as she rushes around the room. “I’m sorry, if I knew I would have already moved my stuff down into the guest room. I’m sure you’re tired and want to go to bed, I just need a second–”

“What? No. It’s fine, I can take the guest room, my stuff is downstairs already anyway. It’s no big deal.” you offer.  

She turns to look at you, her face serious. “No way, Jake. You hate hotel beds and that's all you've had for two months. I know how much you miss the bed when you leave. You take it.”

You want to argue with her, but you also know that it will smell exactly like her and her alone, so you back down, nodding your head. That, and she’s right. “Alright.”

You watch her grab her pillow from the bed, and as she starts to make her way towards the door you stop her. You aren’t ready to part from her yet. “Wait, no! Can we… Can we talk for a little bit?” you ask, nervous to hear her response. 

Her eyes peer into yours as she hugs her pillow to her chest and you can tell she's thinking about it. You move to sit on the edge of the bed, turning your head to the empty space next to you. She walks slowly towards you, taking the empty spot and you can feel the nervous energy pouring off of her. 

It’s quiet for a few seconds, but then she turns to look at you. You swallow again and lick your lips before you speak. “How have you been?”

She raises her eyebrows a little, and huffs out a breath. “How have I been? I’ve been shitty, Jake. The worst that I have ever been in my life,” she pauses. You deserve that.  “I’ve been here, alone, packing up my life with you while you’re on tour having the time of your life.”

You feel a pang of guilt pierce your chest. “It hasn’t been fun, Y/N. It hasn’t been what you think. These last few weeks have been some of the worst I’ve ever had. This is killing me as much as it’s killing you, if not even a little bit more.”

She turns her head away from you, looking up to the ceiling to try to fight back the tears in her eyes. “It doesn’t feel that way, Jake.” her voice is weak, her emotions showing through. 

“I promise you.”

She nods her head, twiddling her thumbs together over top of her pillow. “You were my first everything, you know… I don’t know anything other than you. I never wanted to know anything other than you. I don’t want that.” she says, her voice a whisper. 

“You were a lot of firsts for me too, baby, but I can’t hold you back anymore.” you answer. 

“Why do you get to decide what’s best for me?” she asks, a tear falling from her lashes. 

“I don’t, but I know the kind of person you are. I know what you deserve, and it’s not…this. This life I live…This isn’t what you want. This was never what you wanted.” you say. 

“That’s not true, Jake!”

“Okay, well answer me this. Do you want to have kids?” you ask, turning your body to face her.

“Yes.” she breathes. 

“See, I just… I can’t give you that. I refuse to be the reason you don’t get to live that dream.” you confess. “You can’t let me live mine and give up your own!”

“I can! Because I love you!” she cries, her hand falling to your arm. 

You reach for her face, cradling her cheeks beneath your hands, “And I love you! Don’t you see that?! Can’t you see why I’m doing this?!” Your eyes search hers, glossy and tear filled. She feels so fragile in your grip, you don’t want to let her go. You want to hold her, protect her, keep her safe forever. 

“I have to do this for you! I have to do this. I love you so much, Y/N. I swear this is the right thing.” you plead, begging her to understand. Her tears fall into your palms, hot and wet as they streak from her eyes. You rub your thumbs over her cheeks, swiping away the tears as you release her. 

“What if I don’t find it, Jake? This love you think I deserve…”

You shake your head as you look at her, “You are the best person in the entire world. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. Fuck, everyone falls in love with you the second they meet you.” you pause, smiling at her as she sniffles. “Some man is going to spend the rest of his life with you, falling in love with you every single day. And every single day I will wish that it was me.”

“What about you though? Will you– Go find someone else who wants the same things you want or–”

“No. I won’t. I’ll do my thing and tour with my brothers and do what I love. I don’t think there will ever be anyone else for me, not like this. I will miss you and think of you and spend every day remembering everything about you. I’ll smell your perfume everytime I walk through the bedroom door. I will look for you in every room, and search the crowd for you at every show. I’ll look for you in every bar, hoping for just one more chance to buy you a drink. I’ll listen to your favorite songs until they don’t hurt anymore, and I'll hear your laugh every time that Johnny Cash album skips on Folsom Prison. I will remember you like that, as the girl you were before I hurt you. Before I…destroyed you. I’ll miss you, and mourn you, and I’ll pray every night that someone out there is loving you harder than I could.”

The tears are continuing to stream down her face, her eyes pinched shut as she sobs in front of you. Her body shakes with pain and you can’t help but to reach for her, swiping your thumb over her lips to wipe away the salty tears. 

“Please, don’t cry, baby. I can’t stand to see you cry. I think we’ve both done enough crying.” you whisper, watching her eyes flutter open to look into yours. 

HER POV

Your eyes meet his, dark and teary as he looks at you. The feeling of his hand on your skin is like fire, pure hot flames. But you need it. You can’t pull away. How could you ever possibly love someone else like you love him?

You can feel the pull to him, and you know he can too. There’s nothing you want more than to feel him wrapped around you, and your body must have been moving subconsciously because the next thing you know you feel him pulling you into his chest, holding you tight to him. You wrap your arms around him, breathing in the smell that you’ve missed so desperately. He kisses the top of your head, his favorite way to comfort you. You feel the warmth spreading through your body the longer you spend in his arms. 

He falls back onto his pillow, pulling you with him as he refuses to let go of you. Your hands grip into his shirt, desperate to touch every single inch of him that you’ve been without. His lips kiss your head again, your wet tears staining his shirt as his lips move to trail over the side of your face. Your body curls into his the way it always has, so perfect and warm. You never want to leave. You want to stay like this with him forever. 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N.” he whispers, tears falling from his own eyes. You know this is hurting him. You can’t even imagine how lonely he was these last few weeks. His drunken voice memos giving you your only insight into his true feelings. You turn your face up to look at him, staring into his pain filled eyes as he stares back into yours. Another tear sneaks away from your own eye as you look at him. The most beautiful person you’ve ever known, knowing that he’s no longer yours. You stifle back the sob in your chest, not wanting to face the reality of the situation just yet. 

His hand slides up to cup your cheek, swiping away the tear as he tries to stop his own. Your heart is pounding as the two of you look at each other, the tension between the two of you finally snapping as both of you move towards each other, feeling your lips connect after so long of being apart. You pull him closer to you, snaking your hands under his shirt, feeling his skin on your fingers after so long without him. His grip tightens on your face, his lips desperately devouring your own and you let him, because you’re fairly certain that you both know this is it. 

The softest moan left his lips as they tangled with yours, his tongue swiping across your bottom lip, begging for just a little more. You part your lips, letting your tongue swipe against his, this time a whimper leaving your own lips. He hums as his tongue swirls with yours, the taste of him something you missed more than you ever thought. His hand has moved to grip into your waist, sliding beneath the silky fabric of your pajamas. His thumb swipes at your skin, soft and rough, and purely Jake. 

He pulls away from your lips, just enough to whisper against them, “You’re so beautiful. So perfect, baby. The most incredible woman I’ve ever known. It was never any of those things that were wrong, say you know that. Tell me you know how much I love you.” he begs. 

“I know…” you breathe, needing to feel his lips on yours again. 

“You know I’ll never love anyone else like this, right?” he asks, his eyes hooded as they focus in on your lips.

You nod as you kiss him again, “Me either–”

“No, please, don’t say that. I want– I want you to love someone else like this. None of this is worth it if you don’t.” he pauses, looking into your eyes. “I swear to God in another life it was us. It will always be us, for me.”

“But what about now?” you breathe, parting your lips from his. “Can it be us, now?”

His hand slides farther up your shirt, his hand gripping into your ribs. “It can be us tonight…”

You tilt your head closer to his, your lips connecting in something a little slower. Something a little more passionate. Something that you both know ends tonight. 

He pulls away after a minute, brushing the hair away from your face, “Are you sure this is what you want? I–I thought you hated me, I haven’t heard from you in weeks, I–”

“I saw everything. Read them all. Listened…” you say, blinking away tears. 

He nods his head as he thinks back to the messages he sent. “I meant everything I said.”

“I know you did, baby.” you whisper, feeling him pull your hips closer to his. 

“Why didn’t you answer?”

“Because I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t. I still love you, and I think you still love me.” you answer, running your fingers up and down his back. 

“You know I do. I didn’t stop. It didn’t just go away. Let me, just– Can I–”

“Show me.” you whisper. “One last time.”

You watch his eyes well with tears as his hand splays across your back pulling you into him. He kisses you hard, in a way you’ve only experienced a few times. It's primal and wanting. You grab the hem of his shirt and start to pull it over his back, only letting him break away from you long enough to pull it over his head. You hear the tinkle of his necklace as it settles against his skin, his reminder of home when he’s gone. 

His hand glides over the curve of your hip, his thumb dragging your silk shorts over your legs as you unbuckle his belt. You could feel the burning inside you. You wanted him, needed him, even if you knew it was the last time. You both move slowly, a silent understanding that you weren’t in a rush. That you wanted to take your time and memorize every single part of each other. His lips never part from yours, and your hands never leave his body. 

His fingers drag your tank top over your head, before his palm finds your chest, his fingers kneading at the soft skin. He kicks his pants off, your hand meeting the soft curve of his stomach as your fingertips slide into the waistband of his boxers. He sighs into your mouth at your touch, your body automatically arching into his. His hand moves quickly to grip into the flesh of your leg, pulling your leg over his hip. 

“Jake…” you pant, your need taking over. 

“Say you’re sure. Say you want me one more time.”

“Baby, please. I want you.” you whine, letting your eyes meet his. 

He moves slowly, rolling you to your back. He pushes his boxers off before crawling over top of you. He looks almost ethereal from where you lay beneath him, his wild hair a tangled mess around him, and his skin perfectly tanned from the Tuscan sun. His eyes flick down to your chest, moving lower down your body until he stops at your hips, letting his fingers pull the fabric of your underwear down over your legs. You can see the pain in his eyes as he does it, committing every second to memory. You feel your eyes fill with tears as you think about this being the last time for him to see you like this. To be with you like this. To love you so fully, like this.

“You’re beautiful.” he whispers, his eyes still taking you in. “I didn’t tell you enough. I should have told you more.”

You blink away the tears, letting them roll down the side of your face as you feel him reach between the two of you. He places his warm hand on your stomach, letting his fingertips brush against your skin. His thumb dips down, collecting a bit of your wetness and dragging it up over your clit. You’ve been desperate for his touch for weeks, and now that you had him you could hardly believe it was real. 

“Oh, baby… fuck…” he breathes, dropping his head down to take in the sight of you. His thumb continues to swirl circles over you, your chest heaving beneath him as you feel your nerves start to come alive. “So goddamn beautiful.”

You squirm in his grasp, feeling too close to the edge already. You grab his hand and pull him forward, bringing his lips to yours as he rests hard and heavy between your legs, “Jake please, I don’t want to wait for you any more.”

He sucks your bottom lip into his mouth, biting it softly as he pulls away, pushing up on one arm to hover over you. He reaches between you once more, this time fisting himself at the base as he drags his head through your wetness. “I wanted to take my time with you.”

“Please Jake...” you ask. 

He nods, slowly letting himself slip into you, the stretch burning as he presses forward. He clamps his eyes shut as he feels you surrounding him, hot and smooth, all the way to the base. He lets out a breath of air as he bottoms out, opening his eyes to look down at you. Neither of you speak, the emotions flowing between the two of you tangible. You could reach up and pluck the pain out of the air circling between the two of you, if only you had the will. 

He starts to move inside of you, the steady push and pull, the perfect drag of his hips against you, forcing whimpers to fall from your lips. This is slow, and steady. This is honest, and forgiving. This feels uninhibited and wild but not chaotic. You can feel that he loves you and he can feel that you love him. You let him own you, possess you like this one, one last time.

You can tell he's let his guard down, he is showing you exactly how he feels, his hands holding you so carefully, so reverently, that you feel as if you’re made of glass. He whines and groans with every stroke inside you, the sex between the two of you never feeling quite like this before. You wonder if this is how sex was always meant to be between two people, devastatingly tender and all encompassing. 

He grabs your hands in his, twisting your fingers together as he holds them over your head, dropping his body weight on top of you, and letting his hips thrust into you in long, deep strokes. His lips fall to your neck, soft kisses and nips at your skin light you on fire. You can feel the pressure building inside of you, and you know he can feel you fluttering around him as his breath hitches in his throat. 

“Baby…” you whine, letting go of his hands and wrapping your arms around his head. You hold him there against your chest as you start to reach your peak, his head breaking free and flying up to watch you as you unravel for him, his eyes locked on yours as you come. It’s almost instantly that the tears spring from your eyes. The floodgates opening as your release takes over you. Every bottled up emotion you felt for this man came pouring out.

“I love you, baby. I love you so much.” he pants, his hand cradling your cheek as he looks at you. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you.”

His hips continue their long strokes, his eyes dripping with tears of his own as he works toward his own release. His eyes never leave yours, and you never want them to. You feel sacred here. Worshiped here. 

“Tell me you’ll forgive me one day. Just tell me you won’t hate me forever.” he begs, still holding your body close. 

Your eyes blink rapidly, the tears forming faster than you can blink them away. “I can’t hate you Jake. I’ll never hate you. Look at me. Look at me.” you plead, grabbing his face in your hands. “I love you, Jake. You’ll always keep a part of me.”

You feel his hips falter, his eyes squinting shut as he pumps into you again, “Baby, I–”

His arms snake around your body, locking you in tightly to his chest as he meets his release within you. His cry fills the room, so perfect, so filled with love you can barely stand it. His grip is so tight you struggle to breathe, suffocating in him. Surrendering to him.

The tears flow down your cheeks as you realize it’s over, everything is over. You wrap your arms around his neck as he pants on top of you, his hot breath on your cheek. You both lay there for a few minutes, just feeling each other's tears drip onto your skin. Both of you refuse to let go, neither of you wanting to be the first to do it. 

He does eventually roll off of you and onto his side, his arms not letting you go as he looks at you. “Can I clean up? Take care of you?”

You nod as you sniffle, feeling him pull away and roll out of the bed. You watch him as he walks to the bathroom, the tan line on his hips prominent as he disappears into the bathroom. You roll over onto his pillow, happy that it finally smells like him again. 

It’s not long until he’s walking out of the bathroom, a wet washcloth in his hand. He sits on the edge of the bed, tapping your hip gently to have you turn to him. You reach for the washcloth but he pulls it away. 

“Let me do this. Let me take care of you. Please.”

You turn to him, letting him run the warm rag over your body, washing away the remnants of his release and yours, placing a soft kiss to your knee when he’s done. He bends to the floor, grabbing your pajamas, and placing them on the bed next to you. 

“Y/N?” he asks, his voice low and gravely. 

“Yes?”

“Will you stay? In here tonight?” he asks, peering at you from his lashes.

“I– Do you want me to?” you ask. 

“I do. I really do. I don’t want you to go downstairs. I want you here, in our bed, with me. It can be the last time.”

It’s like a stab to the heart, those last words. You didn’t want it to be the last time. Not ever.

“Okay.” you nod. 

He stands from the bed and walks into the closet, re-emerging with a clean pair of boxers on and an old faded t-shirt. 

You slide your pajamas back on, resituating yourself under the warm sheets as he walks to his side of the bed. He pulls the comforter back, crawling in next to you and laying back onto his pillow with a sigh. 

“I really do miss this bed when I leave.” he says, staring up at the ceiling.

“See, I knew it.” you laugh, fixing your pillow. 

“I think I will miss you in it more.” he finishes, turning to look at you. It’s quiet for a few minutes, but then an idea strikes you. You pull the blankets off of you, and walk around the front of the bed making your way to the door. 

“Where are you going?” he asks, his head tracking with you. 

“I’ll be right back, just hold on.” you call, walking down the stairs. You see his things laying on the floor, and you realize that he couldn’t wait to get upstairs to find you, his phone still laying on the entry table with his keys.

You walk into the kitchen, opening the freezer and pulling out an untouched pint of ice cream. You grab two spoons from the drawer, closing it with your hip as you start to make your way back upstairs. You take them two at a time, climbing them fairly quickly and returning to the bedroom. 

He’s laying in bed, one hand behind his head while the other rests on his stomach. He turns to look at you as you close the door with your foot, letting a smile cross his face when his eyes meet yours. He pulls back the blankets, allowing you to slide back into the bed next to him, cuddling into the pillows as you hand him a spoon. 

“Ice cream, huh?” he smirks, grabbing the pint from your hand to pry off the lid. “Wait, it’s Pistachio…” he pauses, turning to look at you. “That’s my fa–”

“Your favorite, yeah, I know.” you finish, a tiny smile on your lips. 

“Why did you– You didn’t have to do that– I–” he stammers, a look of guilt on his face. 

“I got it a few weeks ago. I thought…I don’t know, it sounds stupid...” you trail off. 

“No it doesn’t, just say it.” he says, scooping out the green ice cream.

“I got it after, you know, that phone call…I thought seeing it in the freezer would make me miss you less or something. It didn’t, and I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. Not without you.” you confess. 

He pulls the spoon from his mouth and hands you the pint, “I’m here now…”

You take the icy container from his hand and scoop out your own bite, your eyes filling with tears as you take in the moment. Sharing this, with him, in bed for what would likely be the last time.

The two of you pass the pint back and forth in silence, not a word said, both of you clearly wrapped up in your own thoughts. You’ve both had your fill, and Jake seemingly knows, grabbing the lid and your spoon before rolling out of the bed and heading downstairs. In his absence you brush your teeth and return back to the bed, rolling to your side to await his return. Your chest is heavy with the events of the night, and you try not to think too much of it. You can’t let yourself think too much of it. You know this is it, and that things are not going to magically change. 

You hear his footsteps as he walks up the stairs, slow and even, before he is passing through the door with his toiletry bag and his phone in hand. He tosses the phone to the bed on his way to the bathroom, searching for his toothbrush in his brown leather bag. It had been so long since he had been home, you missed watching him do things like this. He was the kind of person that could make even the simplest, most trivial task look intriguing and effortless. You could hardly tear your eyes away from him. There was just something about him. 

He peels his t-shirt off and tosses it to the floor in one fluid motion as he slides back into the bed. He places his phone on his nightstand and adjusts his pillow under his head with a yawn. He’s tired, you can see it on every inch of him. His hands search for you as you roll towards him, laying your head on his shoulder as he wraps his arms around you. He reaches over and turns off the lamp, leaving the bedroom in a dark blue cast as the rain patters on the windows. You breathe in the smell of him, taking in the softness of his skin beneath your fingers, and you can feel him doing the same, letting his fingertips roam the expanse of skin on your arm. 

You both lay there just listening to the rain as your eyes grow heavy. You feel his lips brush the top of your head, his ever present and silent way of telling you goodnight. You let your lips press softly to his chest, your wordless response. His fingers continue to move until they slowly come to a stop as his eyes finally close. You won’t sleep tonight, you’ll lay here like this with him until the sun comes up and the birds start to call to each other. You’ll soak in every second with him. You know that the past five years, everything good and bad, with the man in your arms is the only thing that will be laid to rest tonight.

—

When the morning comes he’s gone. The wrinkle in the sheets and the smell of him on the pillows are your only real indication he was there in the first place. You had a plan. You had a plan and it failed. 

You needed to tell him, but how could you? After last night? 

The U-Haul would be here tomorrow and you still had a full day of packing ahead of you. You were surprised when he didn’t question you about the boxes everywhere. You half expected it, but he didn’t. You know he didn’t want to hurt you more. 

You expected him home tonight, and you’d planned to be gone by the morning, but that all went wrong when he came home early. You should have known, it was very much like him to appear when you least expected it. He came into your life that way, unexpectedly. Now he was leaving it the same way.

You know that he’s going to ask you where you’re going and you know that your answer is not going to be what he expects. But you know it has to be this way. 

So tonight you would tell him. 

—

You sat crossed legged on the front porch swing, watching as the sun dipped into the sky. A beautiful pink and orange sunset, the kind they didn’t have back home. You sipped the last of your drink, well deserved after spending the day packing away the rest of your things. It wasn’t much but it was packed into every room of the house over the years and you found it more difficult than anticipated to pull your things from his. 

He was gone the entire day, where you don’t know, but you assume at the office or maybe even the studio. You know he is processing last night much in the same way you are in the only way he knows how. With his hands. 

You swing back and forth, your toes gliding softly over the concrete. The air is cold, but you don’t mind it. It’s kind of nice. It makes you feel alive. Your stomach drops as you watch his car turn down the street. Your heart starts to beat a little faster as he pulls into the driveway, turning his car off and stepping out. 

He walks slowly with his hands in his pockets as he joins you on the porch. He looks like he’s deep in thought as he comes to sit next to you on the swing. 

“D’you have a good day?” he asks, his voice soft and gentle.

“Suppose so. I…finished packing.” you answer, matching his tone. 

He hums as he nods his head, letting his arm rest on the back of the swing. “You um…you can take whatever you need, you know that…”

“Thanks, I think I have what I need though.” you murmur, letting your feet swing as Jake glides the two of you back and forth. How many nights had you spent out here enjoying the sunset, enjoying the morning, enjoying each other?

“When?” he asks, unable to say the rest of the words out loud. 

“Tomorrow.” you whisper, turning your eyes to look down at your fidgeting hands. 

“Oh, that’s…That’s really soon, I–”

“I wasn’t expecting you to be home until tonight. I was planning to pack up and be done before you got home and be gone tomorrow when you woke up. I just wanted to leave your keys with you.” you continue. 

He bites his lips together, “Ah, the keys…”

“They’re on the entry table. Your AmEx is on the kitchen counter…I don’t think there’s anything else.”

He rubs his hand harshly over his face as he blows out a breath, “Fuck.”

You pull your knees up to your chest, resting your chin on your crossed arms. He stares out across the porch, and you can almost hear the hundreds of thoughts rushing through his mind. He swallows hard in an attempt to conceal his emotions, but you know. You’ve always been able to tell. 

“Where?”

Here it is. 

“I’m um…I’m leaving the city. I’m gonna go home.” you answer, a waiver in your voice. 

His head snaps over to look at you, shock painted across his dark brown eyes. “Home?! Like, home home? Back to– to your parents? ” he asks. 

“Yeah, home, but not to my parents. I got a little apartment downtown. It’s going to be an adjustment, but I think it will be good.” you answer nervously. 

“What? That’s like– what, ten hours from here?!” he asks, his chest heaving the more he gets worked up. “No, no you can’t do that! What about your job? Don’t move away from Nashville, you love it here! Is it the money? If it’s about money I can–”

“No, Jake. It’s not about money.” you answer, cutting off his rambling. 

“Then what?” he asks, everything about him vulnerable in this moment. 

“Jake…” you pause, taking a deep breath. “You know why I have to leave.”

His hands reach for yours, holding it between both of his. “I don’t, and if you don’t tell me I will drive myself insane not knowing.”

You peer up at him, his eyes flicking back and forth as he searches your face, “Because if you want me to be happy with someone else, I can’t be anywhere near you…Because I don’t think I’d survive seeing you happy with someone else.”

He blows out a breath and drops his head, “Baby…Y/N… There’s not going to be someone else.”

“How can you say that? How can you know that Jake!” you shout, pulling your hand from his. 

He stiffens a bit at your sudden shouting, “Because I’m not going to let myself! I can never do this again! I will never go through this again! I hate myself for doing this to you!”

“So why do it!?” you shout, your eyes wet with tears.

“Because I would hate myself more for taking away your dream! Waking up next to you everyday knowing I can’t give you what you want!” he says, shaking his head. You can tell he means it. You can tell this is killing him. He doesn’t want this either.

“I’m sorry I’m hurting you.” you breathe, watching his face drop again.

“I’ll never forgive myself for any of this.”

You both sit there, the swing no longer swinging, and the sun no longer shining. The air is cold, both of you wincing at its chill. 

“Let’s go inside,” he breathes, standing from the old wooden swing. He turns to you, waiting for you to join him even still. “I’ll make us something to eat.”

“You don’t have to, Jake, I can–”

“Let’s go inside, and I’ll make us something.” he repeats, a demanding sincerity in his voice. He isn’t going to take no for answer. You nod your head and follow him inside, leaving your shoes by the door. 

“Why don’t you go…Shower or something, I’ll come find you when it’s done.” he says, throwing his coat onto the entry table. 

“Jake, you really don’t have to.”

“I know, but I would like to, if you’d let me.” he says, voice smooth as honey. 

You feel your cheeks heat, as glimpse of the young boy you fell in love with peeking through. 

“Find you in a few?” he asks, glancing over his shoulder. 

You nod your head with a soft smile, pretending that the dagger in your heart hadn’t just been twisted a little further.

��

JAKE POV

You hear the water shut off upstairs and you know she’s done with her shower. You made dinner, nothing too extravagant. You knew she’d be mad if you did. She didn’t even want you to do this, but you wanted to. You missed it while you were gone. You wondered all day if she would be here when you got back. Part of you thought maybe she would be gone, taking some of her things to her new place, but you were surprised to pull up to the house and find her on the porch swing. 

Nothing could have prepared you for that conversation. Not only was she moving out, but she was moving home. You could hardly collect your thoughts, trying to throw money at her as if that would make her stay. She was leaving because of you, and that was the part you had to remember. You drove her to this decision. 

You knew once she was gone the chances of ever seeing her again were next to none, and in that moment of realization your world seemed a little less bright. You were getting what you wanted. Your stomach turned at the idea. You’d spent five years with her, how were you going to live the rest of your life without her?

You heard her footsteps as she came down the stairs, a big t-shirt and a pair of shorts, her wet hair hanging over her shoulders. This is when she was the prettiest, you swore it. She joined you at the kitchen counter as you plated the dinner, sliding hers to her and presenting her with a fork. 

She hesitantly accepted it, letting her eyes meet yours. They look glossy and a little red, you know she was probably crying in the shower, but you aren’t going to mention it. No reason. The two of you sit at the kitchen table, taking your normal seats across from each other. Your eyes meet hers a few times as you eat, neither of you saying much of anything. At this point there really wasn’t much left to say. 

She returns back upstairs as you finish off the dishes, retreating to your music room that you missed so much while you were gone. You let your pain escape you through the music, the quiet strumming of your acoustic filling the room. You play until you forget everything around you, paying no mind to the clock on the wall or the buzzing phone on the table. Here you can just be. You can just exist. Nothing hurts. 

After a while you slowly trudge upstairs, ready to fall into bed, truly dreading what tomorrow was bringing. Tomorrow your life will change, and not for the better. Opening the bedroom door you find yourself in the same position you were in last night, watching her from where you stood as she stood at the bathroom counter. 

You pulled your eyes away from her as you made your way to the closet, stripping out of your clothes. You waited for her to step out of the bathroom to speak. “I think I’m gonna grab a shower if that’s fine…”

She turned to you, “Of course it’s fine Jake…I’m gonna go to the guest room tonight.”

For some reason those words broke you. The thought of your last night together and her not next to you twisting your stomach. “You don’t have to.”

“I think I should though, this isn’t normal, this–”

“No. It’s not. Nothing about this is normal. If anything about us was normal, we wouldn’t be in this situation.” you snap, stepping out of the closet. 

She swallows nervously as she looks at you and you can tell she is fighting with herself. 

“Listen, just…I mean, do what you want, but. I’m not asking you to go. I’d very much like it if you stayed.” you admit. 

“Jake…Where was this a few weeks ago?”

“What do you mean?” you ask, leaning on the doorframe. 

“You– You broke up with me over facetime at a bar. You didn’t even care!”

You rub your hand over your face, regret washing through you in an all too familiar way. 

“You threw me out like I was…I was nothing! Now I’m packed and moving out tomorrow, and you–you– We had sex last night for Christ’s sake! Now you are asking me to stay in here with you, again? I– I just–”

“No, no, I get it, I do. I did a fucking terrible thing. You didn’t deserve that, but– fuck I didn’t know what else to do, it had to be that way…” you confess. 

“Why Jake? Why did it have to be that way?” she asks, eyes watery as she hugs her arms to her chest. 

You swallow and let out a breath, “Because I…I knew that any other way, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. I would see you and–I’d fucking crumble. I wouldn’t have done it.” you answer, letting your eyes meet hers as a sob breaks free from her chest. She turns away from you and starts to pace the room. 

“I think the thing that’s got you hung up is that you think this is going to make me happy somehow. I’m not happy about this. I’ll never be happy as far as this is concerned. I want you to be happy. I am doing the only thing I can do to ensure that. My heart is broken. Shattered. And no one is going to put it back together. But someone will for you. They will pick you up and put you back together, and hold you and never let that happen to you again. You’ll wake up one day and your heart will beat for someone else. You’ll hold them close and let them treasure you and I will be here, wishing it was me. So yes, tonight, I want you to stay in here with me. So I can hold you. So I can treasure you, before I can’t anymore.”  

You step into the bathroom, starting the water for the shower, turning to knob as hot as it will go. You let the tear slide down your cheek, stepping into the shower to wash away the evidence. You let your tears fall freely there, your heart pounding as you release the thoughts that have been living in your mind for weeks. You couldn’t bear the thought of her in someone else’s arms. Someone else knowing her like you do. Someone else loving her harder than you can. Not possible. You’re proving your love to her now, in a way she can’t understand yet. But she will. You know she will. One day.

You turn off the water, pulling a towel from the hook and wrapping it around yourself. You step out into the steamy bathroom, making your way into the bedroom, fully prepared to find it empty, but you don’t. Stepping through the door you see her in the bed, blankets pulled up over her shoulders as she rests on her pillow, looking at you.

“You stayed.”

“Of course I did.” she breathes, blinking slowly. 

You nod as you walk into the closet, pulling on a clean pair of boxers and taking a deep breath to clear your head. You step out, turning off the light, and walking towards the bedroom door to pull it closed. You turn off the lamp and pull back the sheets, sliding into the bed next to her. Your hand slides across the bed to reach for hers, finding it warm and ready to be held. 

You pull her close, her body moving towards yours instinctively, wrapping around you. You hum as she settles on your chest, but it's pained. Your heart is tearing in two, you’re sure of it. How could this be it?

“Your heart is beating fast.” she whispers against your skin.

“Always does around you.” you answer.

“How come?” she asks. 

“Don’t know, probably because I love you. You make me feel alive. My blood starts rushing around. Heart has to keep up I guess. Always been this way.” you answer, in a huff of laughter. 

“I wish things were different.”

You turn to look at her in the darkness of the room, letting your hand cradle her face. “Things are how they are supposed to be, my love.”

You feel a tear sneak out of the corner of her eye, dripping wet into your palm. “You have to trust that fate is leading you where you are supposed to go, and follow it furiously.”

“How am I supposed to stop loving you?” she asks, her voice scratchy. 

“Well, maybe you’re not. Maybe you’ll always love me just a little bit. You’ll see things that remind you of me, maybe a song, or a movie, and it will hurt. But then one day it won’t hurt, and instead of hurting you it’ll make you feel happy. And you’ll carry that happiness around with you just like you used to carry the sad. I think that's what love really is. The happy and the sad, woven into your heart. Like a braid.” you pause, petting your hand over her hair. “That’s um… That’s why I got you that bracelet.”

“What?”

“That bracelet. The one I gave you on our anniversary. It’s a braid. Remember I told you I had it made.” you continue. 

“Yes.”

You clear your throat, “It’s a braid. Two strands, one for me, and one for you.” you pause, “I wanted the two strands woven together. It was supposed to be symbolic, in a way. Show that I’m better with you. Stronger because of you. That you um– that you complete me.” 

You blink back your tears, remembering the exact reason you had the bracelet made. “The braid is always stronger than the strand alone…”

“Jake, why didn’t you– why didn’t you tell me that, that night! I had no idea, you didn’t tell me that!” she cries, “Oh I’m awful! Horrible! I couldn’t just be happy, I just– Oh the ring– Oh Jake I’m so sorry…” 

“No, no! I was going to tell you. I wanted to tell you. I was going to tell you when we got home, because–” you stop.

“Because…”

“Because there’s actually two.” you answer. “I–I have one too. The exact same. Cut from the same metal. The same braid. I made sure of it. Two of a kind.”

She wraps her arms around your stomach, pulling herself into you, burying her face into your neck. You wrap your arms around her, letting your hand pet at the back of her head while she cries. You let your own tear slip from your eye, letting the wave of emotions rush through you. 

“Where is it?” she asks. 

“Oh, I don’t know, where did you put it after that night?” you ask. 

“Not mine, yours.”

“Oh, um, it’s in my toiletry bag. I brought it with me. I didn’t want you to find it. I was never going to tell you. Thought that would be one of those sad things I carried with me, hoping that one day it would feel happy.”

“Will you keep it?” she asks. 

“Of course. I told you. It’s symbolic to me. I meant what I said. You are woven so deeply into every part of me, I am stronger because of you. Because of your strand. So I’ll keep it and wear it everyday and I hope that maybe some day you’ll see it in your jewelry box and you’ll wear yours too.”

She presses a kiss to your chest, kissing the same spot over and over. It was true, you would wear it. You’d always wear it. Your reminder of what you almost had. 

—

You wake first, the soft yellow light lighting the bedroom. It was the last morning you would wake up like this. With her next to you, watching her eyes as she dreamed. Her lips were soft, pink, and parted a little. Her breath escaping in tiny wisps. You’d miss the sound. You'd miss the tiny groan that would leave her chest as she started to wake. The way her hand would search for you when she rolled over. Everything. All of it. You’d miss all of it. 

You lay there, just watching her for a while, noticing the tiny specks of dust floating by as they would catch the light. Everything was still, and for a second you let yourself pretend everything was okay. Like your life wasn’t about to change. 

You force yourself out of the bed, letting your feet carry you quietly downstairs and to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. You knew her U-Haul trailer would be here soon, and the thought made your chest tight. You didn’t want her to go. Your house felt empty without her things in it and you knew that you could fill it with new things but it would never be the same. 

You hear her feet padding down the stairs, following the smell of the brewing coffee no doubt. She meets you at the counter as you pull a mug from the cabinet, filling it with coffee and sliding it to her. It feels sickening almost, that it's the same mug she made you the tea in a few months ago. The simple gesture that caused all of this. 

“You should, uh, take that mug. I know it’s your favorite.” you suggest. 

“I thought it was your favorite.” she says, peering at you over the rim of the mug. 

“I like it because you like it. You take it. Really.”

She nods her head and disappears from the kitchen walking back up the stairs with her mug in hand. 

—

It’s short work to load up the trailer, helping her attach it to her car, and loading in her boxes and small things. The both of you have fought tears all day, the removal of each box seeming harder than the last. You work together to make it all fit, and as the house grows emptier so does your heart. 

She can hardly speak to you without getting choked up, and you don’t blame her. You are fighting your own battle. Watching her pack her things hurts more than anything so far. She’s really leaving. 

You load up the last box, sliding the trailer door closed as she watches. You wipe your hand across your brow, letting out a sigh of exhaustion. “That’s it I think.”

She nods her head and swallows nervously. 

You lean against the back of the trailer, sliding down to sit on the bumper. “How long is the drive again? I know we made it once but I can’t remember.”

She takes a deep breath, “It’s about eleven hours. I won’t get in until really late tonight.”

“Are you sure you want to do it alone, I can probably–”

“No. No, I mean, yes, I’m sure. I will be fine. Thank you um… again for your help.” she says, kicking at a patch of grass beneath her feet. 

“Yeah, of course.” you answer, realization hitting you that she’s about to leave. “Do you want to come inside for a second?”

“Yeah, sure I have to grab my purse.” she says, following you back into the house. 

She flits past you, walking upstairs to the bedroom. You follow behind her slowly, dreading her departure. You watch her walk around the bedroom, collecting her phone and her purse as she takes one final look around. 

“This place will never be the same without you.” you say, your voice a little quieter than usual. 

She grips her purse strap as it hangs on her shoulder, your heart falling to your stomach as you notice the bracelet on her wrist. 

“You’re wearing it.” you say, gesturing to her wrist. 

“Yeah, someone special gave it to me.” she smiles softly. You swallow down the lump in your throat. 

“Where’s yours?” she asks. 

You walk into the bathroom, unzipping the small pocket of your toiletry bag and pulling out your matching cuff. You slide it onto your wrist, feeling the cold metal against your skin. You look at it, then to the one on her wrist. They’re perfect. 

“There.” you say, stepping back out to show her. 

“Looks good on you.” she says, playing with her own. 

“Better on you.” you smile back. 

She walks towards you, brushing your hair over your shoulder as her hand comes to rest on your chest. “I love you Jake. So much. I wish things were different, but you already know that. I don’t want to drag this out, I know we are both dreading this. But, I just want you to know that I love you, and I’m so proud of you. I always will be.”

You feel a tear slip from your eye, your hand coming up quickly to brush it away. “I love you, too Y/N. Always will. You’ll always be it for me.”

She swipes away her own tear, trying her best to keep from crying. “And if you change your mind–”

“You’ll be the first to know. But… I hope by then you will have a few kids. Maybe a dog.” you smile, blinking away your tears. “I want that for you.”

She smiles and nods her head as you pull her close, placing one last kiss on her forehead. You lace your hand with hers, pulling her behind you out of the bedroom for the very last time. “Come on, I’ll walk you out.”

You both walk hand in hand in silence, just the sounds of your sniffling. You open the car door for her, letting her slide into the driver's seat. She throws her things to the passenger seat and turns the car on, the sound causing your heart to pound in your chest. 

“Will you call me sometime? Text me every now and then? Tell me you’re doing okay?” you ask, leaning on the door frame. 

“Only if you do the same…” she answers.

“I’d like that. And if you ever want to come to a show, you’ll tell me? Bring whoever you want. VIP treatment, I promise.”

She laughs a little, nodding her head. “Of course Jake, you know Josh wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Okay, good. Um…well…” you stammer, not knowing what to do. You’ve never done this. 

“Well, I should probably…go. Um…”

“Yeah, um, drive safe, let me know when you get there. Or, I guess you don’t have to, I just…”

She laughs again, “I will, Jake.”

“Okay,” you pause, swallowing your nerve. “I love you.”

She licks her lips, biting them together before looking up at you one more time, “I love you, too.”

“Bye, Y/N.” your voice cracks with pain. 

Her eyes are glassy and red as she puts on her seatbelt. “Goodbye, Jake.”

You shut the car door, stepping back and putting your hands in your pockets. She looks at you through the window, giving you a small wave before shifting her car into drive and slowly rolling out of the driveway. 

You watch her as she drives down the street, turning the corner and disappearing from your life. You feel rooted to the spot you’re in, unable to move, unable to speak. You don’t even know if you’re breathing. She’s gone, and you’re fairly certain she took a part of you with her. 

You aren’t sure how long you stood there, your mind went blank. You surely weren’t ready to face your empty house, null and void of any and everything that had to do with her. It barely even felt like your home anymore, and that was the worst part. You would have to stay here, in this house, remembering what it was like when she was in it. The life was stolen away from these four walls, the laughter and joy that once occupied the space now just a memory. 

You’d find a new rhythm. You’d find your new normal. Maybe you would even find solace eventually. But for now you would become very well acquainted with heartache. 

—

TWO YEARS LATER

You shift your car into park in your driveway. Home. A sight for sore eyes. You’ve been gone for six months, a tour spanning Europe, Asia, South America…You name it, you were there. The lawn is a little overgrown, and the bushes need a trim but all in good time. You had the next six months off. Plenty of time to get things back in order. 

You haul your suitcases and guitars in, one at a time until your entryway is a sea of black cases and bags. You were glad to be home. Well, in your home. You found that your time away seemed to heal the wounds these four walls held. At least you could be here now. It wasn’t always that way. It was part of the reason you kept giving the green light on these long haul stretches of tour.

You make your way into the kitchen, seeing the fairly large stack of mail sitting on the counter. Your house-sitter had been thorough, sorting your mail into junk, bills, and personal. It was strange hiring a house-sitter, but your plants were still alive and the post office hadn’t held your mail for pickup. It was nice, but so different from how things used to be. 

You flip through the junk, tossing it into the trash, the bills being pushed aside for later. You grab a beer from the fridge, left so graciously by the sitter, popping the cap and drinking down the ice cold drink. You set it on the counter next to you as you thumb through the personal stack. Nothing has really caught your eye, everything falling into the trash pile, that is until you reach the bottom. 

There, with tattered edges, and a smudge of dirt is a fancy white envelope addressed to you. You would recognize the handwriting anywhere, as if the letters were tattooed onto your heart. Your breath catches in your chest, it had been months since you’d heard from her. Maybe even a longer. You slide your thumb into the envelope, tearing open the flap as gently as possible. You pull out the stiff cardstock, and your heart plummets. 

There in front of you is a photo of Y/N. Her and a man you’ve never seen in your life, looking completely smitten in black and white. She looks beautiful, glowing brightly even through the photograph. Her hair is falling over her shoulder as the man holds her tight. Her arms are wrapped around him as he kisses her cheek. The words at the bottom are what take you by surprise. 

Save The Date. 

You set the card down and let out a breath, pacing the kitchen as you rub your hand over your face. This is what you wanted Jake. This is what she deserves. She’s happy. You’re happy. Right?

You stare out the kitchen window as you mind races. You knew this was going to happen, but still nothing prepared you for it. She was getting married. To someone that wasn’t you. She was in love. With someone that wasn’t you. 

You snatch the card off the counter again, looking at her more intently. She looks so happy, and the ring is gorgeous. You never really knew what she wanted but it's almost exactly what you imagined. Big. An emerald cut solitaire. It’s nearly as beautiful as she is. You feel a lump forming in your throat the longer you look at it. The big bold words at the bottom kindly asking you to save the date for five months from now, September 21st. 

The man is not anyone you recognize. He’s tall and blonde, with a short neat haircut. He’s clean shaven and in a matching suit. He looks like he has his life together. Quite possibly the farthest thing away from you. Your eyes flick back to her, the dimple in her cheek, her beaming smile. You can’t help but to smile too. 

An audible gasp leaves your lips as you see the shiny silver cuff sitting on her wrist. Your chest tightens as you look at the same one sitting on your wrist. You wonder if she’s told him. Maybe he already knows. But part of you believes she didn’t. Part of you thinks this is a secret shared only between the two of you. You’ve thought about it several times, wondering if she ever picked it up again. If it was a staple in her wardrobe like it was in yours. You were happy to see her wearing it, and part of you wondered if she wore it specifically for you to see.

You flip over the card, reading their names, and the date of the wedding, with a simple note of a formal invitation to follow. But there, just at the bottom is a handwritten bit, written in dark black ink. 

Jake, 

The braid is always stronger than the strand. 

I understand now. 

Thank you for everything. 

xo

Your heart bursts as you read it, running your finger over the inked letters. She understands. She finally understands. 

You flip it over again, looking at her, feeling so filled with pride and happiness for her and this man. Something you weren’t sure you’d ever feel in this situation. 

Everything was worth it. Every single second was worth it.

You walk over to the refrigerator, reaching for a magnet and pinning the small card to the front center of the door. You smile seeing the Seattle Space Needle magnet, something she left behind, sitting so proudly over her wedding announcement. It almost feels like it was left here for this exact reason. To serve this exact purpose. 

It was funny how things worked out. How something so painful turned into something so beautiful. Something so bittersweet. You thought she would hate you. You thought you’d never hear from her again after she left that day. But you couldn’t have been more wrong. She continued to surprise you. Continued to support you. Continued to love and care for you, even if it was in a different way than it used to be. 

You thought that she would always see you as the villain in the story of her life. The one that broke her. The one that destroyed her. The one she regretted. The one that made her question every choice she’d ever made. You’d accepted that, happily playing that role in her story simply because it meant that you got to be in it. But today, on a windy day in April, you realized that you aren’t the villain you thought yourself to be. 

You're the hero. 

The one who saved her in the end.

Taglist: @gretavanmoon @wetkleenex-gvf @eyelinerjake @farfromthehomelands @sacredstarcatcher @britney-gvf @stardustjake @jakesmustache @starshine-wagner @mweasley19 @emsfallingsky @joopsenthusiast @ageofbajabule @ladywhimsymoon @vanfleeter @myleftsock @joshskittytickler @ageoflou @freefallthoughts @ohgodthefeeling-gvf @literal-dead-leaf @welllauragvf @writingcold @bizzielisteningtogreta @neptune2324 @itsafullmoon @violet-hayes @gvfmarge @demonrat444 @mybussyinchrist @cl0ver-j4de @earthgrlsreasy @what-i-read-home-of-reblogs-mama @mama-likes72 @lenagvf @laurngvf @racheljuneeee @farfromthehomelands @cat3rpillarbaby @cassiesgreta @jarmonicasweat@ghostly--photography @josh-iamyour-mama @raviolilegs @gvfmarge @milkgemini @jaketlove @watchingover-hypegirl @ageoflou @cl0ver-j4de @takenbythemadness @lightmyloverry

@flightofseams @torniturntomyarrow @allmylovejtk @m0uthfl13s @klarxtr @styles-canvas @fleet-of-fiction @gretavanbear @builtbybrokenbells @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface @starrymoonslut @lightmy-love @edgingthedarkness @gvfmarge @dannys-dream @demonrat444 @jjwasneverhere @fleetingofthegretas @highway-tuna @gretas-sweat @darianh07 @age0fwagner @stardustjake @Catharu77 @milkgemini @watchingover-hypegirl @lightmy-love @twinszka @peaceloveunitygvf @raviolilegs @thetroublegetssoloud71 @sacredthefran @solanjjje @sanguinebats @itsafullmoon @sacredthethreadgvf @gretavanbrie

[gretavanbrie]

guys I am a sucker for angst and I will even say this is toooooooooo good… pulled at my heartstrings in all the right places. seriously can’t wait for part two!!!!

Amor Fati - I

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x Reader

Word Count: 12.3k

Warnings: Cursing, Alcohol, Talks of Marriage, Kissing, Angst, Rejection, Embarrassment, Driving Under the Influence, Yelling, Arguing, Gaslighting, Begging, Heartbreak, Crying.

A/N: This is part one of what will be a two part series. This series will not be for everyone. It will be full of angst and hurt and I implore you to read the warnings before you start to make sure this is something you are prepared for. If you would like to be added to the tag list, please send me a message. Thanks for reading.

JAKE POV

No one can make a left shoe right. Even walking barefoot hurts in the beginning. Those first few steps are painful, yet necessary in order to move forward. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. You suffer through it because you know you have no other choice. You learn to cope until you no longer feel the pain. Until you find your normal. No one ever said it would be easy. As for now though, it’s your own two feet that will have to bear the burdens of your heart, carrying you forward until the pain fades away and you find that normal you thought you once knew. 

–

The door is locked and the lights are dim, the dining chairs sitting perfectly in their spots around the table. The house is quiet, just the hum of the refrigerator and the soft tinkling as heat filters through the air vents. Though, you swear you can hear the persistent drip, drip, drip of the water slipping away down the kitchen sink as you lie awake in your bed. You stare at the ceiling, eyes trained on the hairline crack that runs the length of your bedroom. You wonder how it got there. How long it had been there. Were there any signs before it cracked? Before the integrity was completely lost, giving way to the fault? Was there less stress now that it cracked? Would it be better off this way? Or would it continue to deteriorate and live in a state of disrepair until someone came along and tried to fix it? 

Drip, drip, drip. 

God, would you ever fix that faucet?

You rip the sheets from your body and throw them down to the bed, storming down the stairs until you’re standing in front of the sink. You watched it, waited for it, willed it to happen. 

Drip, drip, drip. 

You jiggle the handle, but it’s tight. The valve is shut. You smack your hand against the spigot, a few more drops falling quickly to the drain. “Goddamn you.” you growl, watching again as it drip, drip, drips, mocking you, as if telling you you’re a failure. 

You crouch down below, opening the cabinet forcefully and tossing away the items to access the water shut off valve. You twist the knob and turn off the water before standing again to observe the faucet. You pull the handle to release the rest of the water in the line letting a small stream pour out before the line runs dry. No more water. No more drip. You cut it off at the source. 

How many times had she asked you to look at it? How many times did you tell her you would, but never did?

With a huff you closed the cabinets and made your way back upstairs, trudging slowly through the eerily silent house. You slid back into bed and turned off your lamp, hoping the darkness of the room would guide you into another restless sleep. Your body starts to relax, your mind drifting in and out of hazy dreams and memories, eventually succumbing to the exhaustion that has been plaguing you for days. 

Drip, drip, drip. 

It was closer. You sat up straight in your bed, listening, making sure you weren’t dreaming. You sat and waited, the flashing clock on your nightstand lighting the room in a red glow, your weary eyes still trying to adjust. 

Drip, drip, drip. 

The bathroom.

You get up, needing to see for yourself that you weren’t crazy, and sure enough as you flicked on the light switch and settled in front of the sink, you watched it.

Drip, drip, drip.

The water had found a new path. 

—

TWO MONTHS EARLIER

You sit at the kitchen counter, swiping away emails from your inbox, offloading some of the anxiety of that little red bubble. It felt as though for every one you deleted, three more would take its place. That’s how a lot of things have felt lately. 

Your eyes catch sight of her stepping into the kitchen, your shirt hanging loosely from her shoulders as she steps up to the stove to grab the tea kettle. You look at her for a few seconds before you turn your eyes back to your inbox and continue your mission. If you could just do this one thing, maybe you could relax for a minute. 

“Jake? Tea?” she asks, pulling your focus away. 

“Huh? Oh, uh, no thanks.” you answer, trying to refocus.

She fills the tea kettle and places it on the burner, pulling the box of teabags from the pantry. “Babe, I know you’ve got a lot going right now, but when you get a chance the faucet is still leaking. It drips constantly now. I know you’re leaving soon so if you can’t do it I can call someone or–”

“No.” You snap, letting your eyes meet hers. “I’ll deal with it, just give me a damn minute alright?”

Her voice is quiet, and she recoils enough that you notice. “Okay...”

You instantly feel remorse for snapping at her, running your hand over your face to recenter yourself. “I’m sorry. Look, I’m sorry. I’ll fix it. I swear. I just have to… deal with some other stuff first, okay?” you say, softening your tone and doing your best to smooth things over, but knowing the kitchen sink is low on your priority list.

Her face falls a bit, and you can see the defeat pouring off of her. “Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m sorry.” she says, shaking her head softly as if feeling guilty for even bringing it up. 

You manage to swipe away a few emails, seeing her continue to glide around the kitchen for a few more minutes before quietly making her way into the living room. As she disappears from view you drop your phone with a sigh, resting your head in your hands as you stare down at the counter below you. You can’t seem to shake the guilt coursing through you for being so short with her. She didn’t deserve that. And the look on her face? Why did you keep doing this?

You hear the water as it drips into the sink. Now that she mentioned it, you had noticed it. How long had it been like that? 

The tea kettle starts to whistle, steam spewing from the spout, and in seconds she’s back in view, pulling it from the burner and grabbing a mug. You return back to your emails, swiping them away and slowly making progress. Just a few more. 

It’s the mug sliding towards you that grabs your attention this time, the warm minty aroma filling your nose. You look up and see her leaning against the other side of the counter, pushing the honey towards you hesitantly. 

You furrow your brow as you speak, “But I said–”

“I know what you said, but after five years I also know what you need.” she answers with a playful raise of her brow and gentle smile, grabbing her own mug and walking into the living room to leave you to your emails. 

It was that moment. That steaming hot cup of mint tea presented to you so lovingly, despite your coldness, that suddenly gave you the clarity you needed. Of course she knew what you needed. She knew you better than anyone. She’d known for years. 

Your heart started to race as you realized just how long it had been. How many Christmases, birthdays, career milestones, and even more, how many tours had she been around for? Five years? Shit. 

Your eyes flashed over to the calendar on the fridge, seeing today's date with a heart and a five. Today was your anniversary, fuck. You’d forgotten. 

Five years with her. The love of your life. It didn’t seem that long, but the more you thought about it, it really was all you could remember. You saw every single memory shared between the two of you flashes before your eyes in highspeed, from the first kiss to now, all of it stopping abruptly as the sound of a new email entering your inbox rang through the air. 

You couldn’t look, though. You were stunned. Frozen in place as you watched the steam rise from the top of the black speckled mug.

It was time. You knew and she knew. Everyone around you knew what was supposed to happen now. What needed to happen now.

But you also knew you couldn’t give her that. You’d never be able to give her that. 

No matter how badly you wanted it.

—

HER POV

Your mug is practically scalding your hand as you walk into the living room, your parting sentence still swirling around in your head. You place the steaming mug on the coffee table and make yourself comfortable on the couch, grabbing the old worn in red quilt Jake’s grandmother made him when he was born. It’s threadbare and has a few worn spots where you can see the cotton batting inside, but those are your favorite parts. It smells like him, it always has, finding him wrapped up in it on the couch late at night more often than he would ever be willing to admit.

You lean forward to grab the mug of mint tea you’d made, breathing in the soothing aroma and hoping that it will calm the underlying tension in your body. The house is silent, Jake still doing whatever it is he’s doing on his phone, something work related if you had to guess. You can hear him sipping from the mug of tea he was quick to say he didn’t want, but you made anyway. After all this time you knew that even though he said no, he really meant yes. You hoped it would help him with his stress in much the same way you hoped it would help you relax. 

You knew that really he was past the point of stress, preparing to leave for tour in a few weeks. The new album release and the planning of tour had taken an obvious toll on him. His normally calm and level headed demeanor had become a bit short fused and volatile over the last few weeks. You knew it was just a phase and that in time it would pass as things started to level out again, at least typically it did. So for the time being you kept your cool and helped him whenever you could with whatever you could, hoping it would take some of that mental load away from him.  

Today though, today was your anniversary. Five years spent together and it seemed to go by in a flash. It truly felt like only a few days ago you watched the long haired stranger as he sauntered into the coffee shop and plucked his coffee from the pickup counter, mistaking your order for his own. It felt like only minutes since the first ‘I love you’, and only seconds since you moved into his home across town, finding a place for your own things amongst his. Now, years later you sat here under his favorite blanket, sipping tea as the two of you prepared to fly halfway across the world to keep pursuing that dream he told you about over a mistaken vanilla latte. 

You're pulled from your daydream as you hear the soft padding of his feet against the hardwood floors making their way towards you. His expression softens a bit as he sees you wrapped up in the quilt, stopping to lean on the door frame. He bites his lips together and slips his phone back into his pants pocket. “I have to run a quick errand…”

Your eyes flick to the clock hanging on the wall then back to him. As if he can see your gears turning he nods his head, “I’ll be back in time, I promise.” he smiles, letting his toes kick at the tassels on the rug. “But also, Josh texted me a little bit ago, they want to meet up later tonight.”

You recoil a little, “They?”

“Yeah, uh, I think everyone is planning to be there tonight.” he answers, his tongue gently grazing his bottom lip. 

“Everyone? Really? That’s–”

“Weird, I know, must be a special occasion.” he smirks, raising an eyebrow. 

“They know it's our anniversary, right?” you ask, still a little confused why everyone was planning to make an appearance tonight when typically they couldn’t be bothered to all be in the same place at once during a break. 

“Yeah, yeah, they know. I told them we wouldn’t be there until after dinner. I mean, if you want to go.” he says, letting the decision lie in your hands. 

“Do you know where they want to go?” you ask, not that it really mattered.

“Sam mentioned Bay 6, but Josh said Jane’s. Not sure just yet. I’m sure they would be fine with wherever if you had something else in mind.”

“Do you have something else in mind?” you counter, trying to scope out his interest in the invitation.

“Not particularly, I knew we had dinner plans tonight but…I hadn’t really thought past that. Though, I will say if everyone is going, we probably should too…” He pauses, running his fingers over his mustache. “Let me run this errand and think on it, okay?”

You nod with a soft smile, taking a sip of your tea as he watches you. 

He stares at you for a minute before he pushes off the door frame and starts to walk away, stopping and turning back to look at you. “Thank you, by the way. For the tea.” 

“Oh, you’re welcome, babe.” you answer, seeing him nod his head as he walks towards the front door. “Hey…”

He stops again and looks at you, “Yeah?” he answers, grabbing his keys from the bowl by the door, the metal keychains tinkling together in his hand.

“Love you.”

You watch him swallow hard and see a trace of a smile on his lips, “Yeah, love you too. Be back in a bit.”

As the front door shut behind him you were left in the silence again, you heard his car door close and the engine start. You even listened as his car drove away. You sipped your tea until it was gone, flipping through the channels in an attempt to pass the time until you needed to start getting ready for dinner. You settled on the news, and instead picked up your phone scrolling through various social media apps, listening to the news reporter drone on about the weather impending the next week. 

Opening your texts you see a few unread messages from this morning, mostly friends asking what your plans were this weekend. You see a text from your best friend congratulating you on your anniversary, causing you to laugh because who really keeps up with their friends relationships?

Casey

8:47AM: Happy Anni sweet cheeks! Big plans tonight?

You

4:02PM: Thanks, yeah we are going to Miel, and it sounds like we are meeting up with the rest of the crew tonight for drinks.

Casey

4:05PM: Jeez I thought you were dead. Wait, everybody? All together? Lol

You

4:07PM: Yeah, that’s what I said! Even Jake thought it was strange. Said it must be a special occasion or something, but it sounds like he really wants to go so we probably will. 

Casey

4:08PM: A special occasion…On your anniversary…Of five years…

You

4:10PM: Yes…

Casey

4:11PM: I’m just saying

You

4:12PM: You don’t think…

Casey

4:13PM: I don’t have any idea, I swear, but… It’s been five years, babe.

You

4:14PM: Oh god, I’m going to go get ready. I will call you later.

Casey

4:15PM: Love ya, good luck!

Your heart was pounding in your chest, maybe she was right. What other special occasion could there be? Why else would everyone be suddenly available for drinks? Where was Jake now? What errand was he running? Maybe that is why he’s been acting so strange.

You toss the blanket off of your body and run upstairs, knowing that if tonight was what you thought it was, you needed to look even better than your best, and you needed to start now.

—

Twirling the round brush through your hair, you let the hot air of the blow dryer style your hair into silky smooth waves around your face. You let your mind wander as you worked through each section, letting it run wild with visions of what could happen tonight. Casey was right, five years was seemingly a pretty long time to date, and considering the two of you already lived together, the next logical step would be engagement. You knew you were ready, but the idea hadn’t really crossed your mind until she mentioned it. It wasn’t long until your mind was racing with thoughts of how things would change, what would stay the same, and what the rest of your life would look like. 

Satisfied with your hair, you sprayed it down with a light mist of hairspray, running your fingers through it to loosen up the waves. Had Jake orchestrated all of this? Was this his plan all along? Was he trying to throw me off by saying that Josh asked him to go? Was calling it a special occasion a slip up?

You smiled to yourself as you applied your makeup, adding a little extra blush to your cheeks for some color, even though you were positive the rush of nerves would have you flushed all night long. Could tonight be the night your life would change forever?

You heard the front door open, the chime of the security system alerting you that Jake was home. You tapped your phone screen to check the time, seeing that true to his word he was back in time to get ready to go. You stepped into the bedroom, quickly discarding your clothes and stepping into the silky cream colored dress you picked out for tonight. The thin straps sat softly across your shoulders, the dip of the neckline offering a small taste of cleavage. The hem of the dress sat just above the tops of your knees, a small slit in the fabric showing a little extra skin. You knew it would drive him crazy. He always said he loved the way satin felt in his hands and on more than one occasion mentioned how much he loved the color on you. 

You listened as he made his way upstairs, his feet carrying him slowly towards your bedroom, the smell of your perfume still hanging in the air guiding him right to you. You looked in the mirror, overly satisfied with how you looked, fluffing your waves to hang perfectly over your shoulders just as he rounded the corner into the room. Your eyes caught his in the mirror, a smile turning the corners of his lips as he took in the sight of you. You smiled back at him, reaching over to grab your gold earrings from the dish on your dresser. You put them in without breaking eye contact, completely reveling in the fact that you had captured his full attention. You both looked at each other intently for a few seconds, your heart pounding at just the sight of him. 

Suddenly he broke away, heading for the bathroom. You turned around to see him already gone, turning on the shower as he tossed his clothes to the floor. He pulled the shower curtain closed and you heard the water pouring down around him. You knew he wouldn’t be long so you busied yourself with selecting a pair of heels and finding a clutch to match. 

Throwing the last items from your purse into the clutch, you saw him step back into the bedroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair was dripping down his back as he walked into the closet, glancing over at you again before looking back at his clothing options. This was something he often did, wanting to make sure he met you at the same level. 

You buckle your heels and stand up from the edge of the bed, grabbing your clutch before making your way downstairs to let him get ready. You walk slowly down stairs, trying to decide if a glass of wine will calm the nerves fluttering throughout your body. Your feet answer for you, carrying you straight to the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of Chardonnay. You sip the icy white as you stare out the kitchen window, admiring the soft orangey glow the sunset is casting onto the trees. 

You can hear him walking back and forth in the closet above you, and you know he is being his typical indecisive self. You know it won't be long until he is walking down the stairs in an outfit so perfectly Jake, his eyes searching yours for your approval. You smile thinking about how you will get to enjoy moments like that forever as you toss back the rest of the wine in your glass. 

Ducking into the guest bathroom, you swipe on a new layer of lip gloss, hearing him descend down the staircase. Your heart is thumping, and you can smell his cologne as you twist the lid on your gloss and stash it back in your clutch. You turn around to lean on the sink just as he steps in to find you. 

You take in the sight of him in his black velvet blazer, his damp hair laying across his shoulders, curling up at the ends. His dark shirt is open as usual, his favorite black slacks cuffed at the bottom. “This okay?” he asks, his eyes meeting yours. 

You run your hand over the soft velvet on his chest, tugging slightly at the lapel of his jacket. “Perfect.”

He brings his hand to rest over top of yours, his fingers sliding against the back of your hand, as his other hand snakes around your waist. A gentle hum leaves his chest as he feels the satin beneath his fingers. “You look so beautiful.”

You feel your cheeks heat at his praise, and you can see the glint in his eye as he knows what he's done. He leans in, pressing a featherlight kiss to your cheek, deciding to forgo your glossy lips. “You ready?”

—

Soft guitar music is playing in the background on the drive to the restaurant, the sun completely set and the twinkling city lights on full display. His hand hasn’t left your thigh the entire ride, and you’ve caught him sneaking glances at you when he thinks you aren’t looking. Traffic isn’t too bad considering it’s a Friday night, but you’re thankful you left a little early when it's a battle to find parking. 

Thankfully, after the third circling of the parking lot, he was able to snag a spot right in front of the building. He dashes around to open the door for you, offering his hand as you step out of the car and into the gravel lot. You’re wobbly on your heels until you find your footing, but of course he has your hand, holding you steady. He does drop it though, opting to put his arm around your shoulder, pulling you in tightly to his side, and that's when you feel it. A small square object in his coat pocket. 

You couldn’t believe it. You may have even stopped breathing for a second. Was this really it? You turned to look at him, the glowing street lights lighting up his perfect face. 

“What?” he asks, a playful smile on his lips. 

You shake your head quickly with a shy smile, “Nothing. Nothing, just… Happy. And I love you. And I can’t believe I’ve gotten to love you for five years.”

You feel his grip on you tighten as he nods his head. “Best years of my life.”

He grabs the door handle and lets you walk inside, holding it for another couple as they leave. You tell the hostess the reservation name and seconds later you feel his warm hand sliding across your lower back. The hostess leads the two of you to a table towards the back of the quiet, dim restaurant, the tables peppered with red flowers and tea light candles. It really is the perfect atmosphere for what would likely be the best and most memorable night of your life. 

Jake pulls your chair out for you before taking his own seat, fixing his wind blown hair and adjusting his blazer. He pats his hand over his jacket pockets instinctively, his eyes shooting to yours to see if you noticed. You play it off as if you’re perusing the drink menu and you can see him visibly relax as he lets out a content sigh. 

“See anything you like?” he asks, opening his own menu. 

“I think so. Maybe the South by Southwest or maybe the Hanky Panky?” you answer, throwing him a playful smile. 

“The Hanky Panky, hmmm…” he smiles, looking down to the menu to read off the ingredients. “You do like Gin…But the Southwest has Scotch which you also like…Guess it just depends how much you are planning to enjoy yourself tonight.”

“I don’t know, what do you think? Should I get the Scotch drink? Let loose? Enjoy the night?” you tease, trying to press him for a shred of information. 

“Mmm, I think you should go with the Gin. You remember what happened last time you drank Scotch.” he smiles, giving you a wink. 

“I actually don’t, and I think that's part of the problem.” you laugh, closing the drink menu. “Hanky Panky it is. What about you?”

“This tequila drink looks good. Honey Trap?” he says, glancing down to the menu again.

“Sounds like you.” you blush, flicking your eyes up to him. 

He grabs your hand over the table, squeezing it tightly as he looks at you. He parts his lips to speak just as your server approaches the table. Jake turns to him and orders both of your drinks, just like he always does, making your heart flutter inside your chest. The server disappears and again, he places his hand over yours. 

“You look so beautiful tonight, Y/N.” he breathes, the tealight candle flickering in his eyes. “I mean, you always do, but, you just…You’re as beautiful tonight as you were that very first day in the coffee shop. I think about that day a lot, you know.”

“Do you?” you ask, letting a smile form on your lips. 

“Yeah, of course I do.”

You rub your thumb over his, feeling your chest grow warm. His thumb swipes over your fingers, looking down at them for a split second, and you feel your heart beating a little harder. His eyes drift back up to yours as he swallows nervously and you think this might be the moment. 

“Y/N…” he says, squeezing your hand. 

“Yes?” you squeak out.

“Are you okay, you’re breathing really heavy.” he asks, his face becoming a little more serious. 

“Oh, yeah, I’m okay. Promise.” you smile, as he pulls his hand away from yours and opens his dinner menu. You feel your heart drop a little, but try not to let it discourage you. You do the same, letting your eyes scan over the menu, knowing that part of the reason you both chose this place is because the menu changes every day. You’d both been dying to try it and decided this was the perfect occasion.

The server returns with your drinks, the two of them looking almost too pretty to drink, but that doesn't stop Jake of course, sipping away at his yellow colored drink almost immediately. Yours took on a more orange hue, the glass rimmed with a sugary mixture. You bring it to your lips and sip the orange flavored drink, hoping the gin will calm your nerves and help you get through dinner. 

A few minutes later the server returns to take your order, giving his recommendations and informing you of the special of the day. With both dishes ordered, and another round of drinks on the way, you feel yourself relaxing a bit as you watch Jake’s cheek grow rosy. 

“I’m glad we did this.” you admit, “I miss this when you go.”

He swallows nervously, a wave of guilt washing over him. “I know, I know. It’s the worst part of all of it.” he says, lacing his fingers with yours. His eyes flick up to yours but he seems a little distant, as if there is something he’s not saying. 

You bite your lips together, “But we’re gonna have fun in Europe, right?” 

“Yeah, we will. It’s so beautiful there, you’ll fit right in.” he smiles, squeezing your hand. He reaches into his pocket and you suck in a harsh breath. Your heart leaps in your chest but quickly falls when he pulls his phone out. His eyes quickly glance over the screen before returning it to his pocket.

“They decided on Jane’s. Is that okay with you?” he asks, biting his lips together. 

“Yeah, yeah that’s–that’s great. That’s fine, we haven’t been there in a really long time. One of our first dates.” you answer, swallowing back the lump in your throat. “And everyone is still going?”

“Yeah, they’ll all be there.” he nods, as the server steps up to the table, dropping off the steaming hot plates of food. It smells delicious and looks even better.

“Wow, Jake, this looks amazing.”

“It really does. Happy Anniversary, my love.” he grins, picking up his fork and knife. 

You take a sip of your drink before cutting into your own meal, the two of you savoring every single bite of your dinners until your plates are clean. You continue your casual conversation over the rest of your drinks and you can tell that as the night progresses Jake is starting to become more and more antsy. He’s fidgeting more than usual, his knee bouncing underneath the table, and his mind seems to be going a mile a minute as he speaks. 

Your server approaches your table with two glasses of Champagne, and a slice of chocolate cake, a swirl of the words, ‘Happy Anniversary’ written in chocolate. You and Jake smile at each other, picking up the Champagne glasses, and tapping them gently to each other.

“Wait.” he says, stopping both of you from drinking. “Let me…I just want to tell you something.”

Your heart starts to race again, and you swallow nervously as you nod your head. 

“I just want to say thank you. I know that these past five years haven't been the easiest. I know that this life is hard, but you glide through every single day with such grace and dignity, I sometimes envy you. I never would have thought that my screw up at a coffee shop would have led me to you, but every single day I thank my lucky stars that it did. I love you so much, Y/N. These have truly been the best five years of my life.” he says, a waver of emotion in his voice.

“I love you too, Jake. I can’t imagine my life without you, and I can’t wait to see where life takes us. But first, to Europe…” you smile, tapping your glass to his again. 

“To Europe.” he repeats, sipping down the bubbles from his flute.

He clears his throat and sets the empty glass on the table, and you realize this is it. This is the moment. 

“I uh, I have something for you, I picked it out, actually had it made just for you. I hope that you’ll like it, I just kind of always thought of you having something like this.” he stammers, reaching into his coat pocket to reveal a small black velvet box. Your breath catches in your throat as you eyes flick to his. 

“Jake…”

He starts to open the small velvet box, but you’re taken aback. Why isn’t he on one knee? Why is he being so casual?

As the box springs open, it’s not a ring that you see. It’s a bracelet. A small sterling silver bracelet of two cables braided together. It's a beautiful piece, there is no denying that, but suddenly anything other than a ring seems wrong.

“D-Do you like it?” he asks, watching as you pull the heavy metal bracelet from the box. You slide it onto your wrist, and hold your arm out for him to see. 

“Jake, it’s beautiful.” you answer, trying to stifle back the giant lump in your throat. "So beautiful."

There’s no ring. You were all wrong. 

“I went and picked it up today. It’s been ready for a few weeks. That's where I went this afternoon.” he smiles, examining the silver cuff on your wrist. 

“It’s really really pretty Jake, I love it. Thank you.” you smile, blinking away the tears in your eyes. 

There's no ring.

You felt like such a fool. You should have known better than to get your hopes up. Of course there was no ring. Had you ever even discussed rings?

You stare down at the bracelet on your wrist as the two of you continue to talk over the slice of cake. The shiny silver cuff catches the light as your mind continues to wander. You wonder what kind of ring he would have picked. You wonder why you let yourself believe that this was happening tonight. Then you started to wonder if it ever would happen. The server brings the check, and Jake pays the bill, finishing off the last of his drink before helping you up from your seat. 

Earlier in the night you thought you would be leaving this restaurant engaged, but instead you are walking out the door the exact same way you came through it. And while being Jake’s girlfriend is still one of the best parts of your life, you realize that leaving as his fiancé would have felt a little better. 

You walk hand in hand back to the car, Jake’s thumb grazing yours with every step. He opens the car door for you and helps you inside before joining you and starting the car. The soft music fills the space as you make the trek across town towards Jane’s. Neither of you really says much on the ride. You figure Jake is probably still in a food coma, and you’re lost so deep in your thoughts that you can hardly speak. He doesn’t seem to notice, and if he did, he didn’t show it. 

The gravel crunches beneath his tires as he pulls into Jane’s, the loud music inside the bar audible from inside the car. As he turns off the engine he looks at you tucking your hair over your shoulder as he smirks at you. “You ready?” he asks, letting his warm hand settle on your bare shoulder. “You seem out of it.”

“I’m fine, just um, the drinks are catching up to me, that's all.” you lie. He nods his head and pulls the keys from the ignition, shutting his door behind him before making his way over to you. Again, he helps you out of the car, but this time as you make your way to the door he doesn't take your hand. You try not to think too much of it as you follow him inside. The bar is fairly crowded, and the music is so loud you can hardly think. You place your hand on Jake’s back, trying to follow after him as he weaves through the thick crowd, and finally as you reach the back of the bar it clears up a bit. You see Josh and Daniel, the two of them sitting at a booth sipping from beer bottles, but quickly standing to greet you when they see Jake walking up.

Josh shakes Jake’s hand as Danny pulls you in for a hug. You revel in the comfort of his grip, always loving the way he wrapped you up completely. Josh quickly steals you away from Danny and kisses your cheek as he greets you. “Hello love birds...”

“Hi Josh…” you smile, sliding into the booth next to Jake. “Can’t believe I’ve got you three in the same room right now. Just need Sam for the full set.” you joke. 

“He’ll be here in a minute. He just texted.” Danny says, tapping his phone screen as it lies on the table. 

Jake leans over and whispers into your ear that he’s going to go grab you two some drinks, and with a squeeze of your leg he disappears into the crowd of people. 

Danny tosses back the rest of his beer and turns to look at the two of you. “Actually I need a refill too. Josh?”

Josh nods his head as Danny slides out of the booth, leaving you and Josh alone in the sticky vinyl seat. “So…” he smiles, wiggling his eyebrows.

“So?” you ask, propping your head up on your elbow. 

“Are you ready?” he asks, patting his hand across the top of your thigh.

“Ready?” you ask, and suddenly your chest is swirling with unease.

Ready for what?

“Yeah, for the big surprise?” he answers, his expression confused. 

Surprise? Maybe you were wrong again. 

You smile and shake your head nervously. “I don’t know, I guess so?”

“It’s about time, right?” he laughs, nodding towards Jake as he approaches the table with two very full drinks. 

Then it hits you. Maybe he wanted to wait and do it with his brothers.

“Yeah, yeah, I guess it is, isn’t it...” you agree, sliding over just a bit to let Jake slide in. You feel a whole new wave of hope wash over you. Maybe not all is lost just yet.

“What were you two chatting about, huh? Looking awfully chummy over here.” Jake smiles, setting your drink in front of you. “Bar was slammed, got us both the same thing. It’s Tequila, hope that's okay.”

“Gin and Tequila in one night? I thought you said I shouldn’t get drunk tonight?” you smile, leaning into his side and letting your lips brush against his cheek. 

His hand snakes over onto your thigh, his fingertips squeezing into your skin as he leans into your ear once again. “Never said that. Just want you to remember, that’s all.”

You slowly pull the small black straw to your lips, sipping as you stare at him. His eyes grow dark and you two seem to be lost in your own little world until Daniel steps up to the table and breaks the tension. “Alright, Sam just texted. They're parking.”

“So what are we saying? Surprise? Happy Birthday? What’s the plan?” Josh asks, turning to Daniel and Jake. 

“What?” you ask, feeling your heart drop again. 

“For Claire? For her birthday?” Josh pauses, looking at Jake and then to you. “Why do you think we’re all here?”

“Oh, yeah, right. Claire’s birthday...” you repeat, your mind completely empty and your eyes welling with tears.

You were wrong, again. 

“Probably just Happy Birthday, right?” Daniel answers, earning a nod from Josh and Jake. 

“Wait, you didn’t know that’s why we’re all here?” Josh asks. 

“No, I– Jake didn’t say, he just said it must be a special occasion or something, I–” you stammer, your mind still swimming with hurt. Again. 

“Oh, yeah, Claire’s birthday is today. Sam wanted us to all get together tonight to celebrate. Figures she always does big parties for him, so it was his turn to finally plan something for her.” he says, his cheeks tinged pink from the alcohol in his system. 

“Yeah, no that makes sense.” you say, blinking back tears and swallowing the lump in your throat. 

“I was wondering why you two are all dressed up.” Danny says, looking at the two of you who are dressed way more formally than he and Josh. 

“...It’s our anniversary.” you answer, turning to Jake who tips his head in agreement. Hadn’t he told them?

Josh furrows his brow, but before he can speak Sam and Claire are walking up to the table, all four of you quickly standing up to shout ‘Happy Birthday’. 

“Oh my gosh! You guys! Sam! Wow! Are you all here for me?!” Claire asks, completely shocked to see all of you together. 

“Sure are! You know we wouldn’t miss a chance to celebrate!” Danny answers, pulling her in for a hug.

After a round of hellos and drinks for the birthday girl you’re all sitting in the booth together talking and laughing. Well, everyone except you. You do your best to stay engaged in the conversation, adding what you can here and there, but as the alcohol enters your bloodstream the feelings are getting harder and harder to push down. Your chest is swirling with hurt, and the worst part is that you did it to yourself. Didn’t you?

You watch Jake as he laughs with his brothers, the four of them shouting and drinking with each other as if nothing in the world could bring them down. A few minutes later Jake slips away from the table with a squeeze to your hand, stepping up to the bar to order another round of drinks. 

“So your anniversary, huh?” Josh asks, turning to you as Sam, Danny and Claire get up to go shoot pool. 

“Yep. Five years today.” you answer, swirling your straw around in the melting ice. 

“Damn, five years? That’s a long ass time, Y/N.” he pauses, a playful smile graces his lips as he tilts his head to you. “And he brought you here?” 

“Well, we went to dinner first but you know he can’t pass up an invitation from you.” You laugh, elbowing his side. “And yeah, it is a long time. I feel like it went by so quick, but when I stop and think about it…I’ve been with you guys for so long. Seen it all, you know? From the very beginning.” 

“Yeah, actually, there are really very few memories in these last few years that you aren’t in.” he laughs, nudging your arm with his elbow. “I like it that way though. You’re like family to us now.”

You huff an annoyed laugh, “Yeah, in every way but the one that counts.”

He cocks his head to the side, “What do you mean?”

Realizing that your thoughts have made it through your lips you shake your head. “Nothing. It’s fine. I’m drunk.”

He nods his head, and you know that he knows what you mean. He’d always been good at that. Reading between the lines. “He loves you, Y/N.”

“I know he does.” you nod, swallowing back your emotions. 

Jake walks back towards the table and you try to regain your composure. He places the drink in front of you and kisses your head, “Gonna go shoot pool with them for a bit, okay?”

You nod quickly and he nods back, turning back and heading towards the pool tables. Josh sips his beer and lets out a sigh, “I think I might go join them, you coming?”

“Nah, I think I’m gonna just sit here and people watch for a while. The tequila is getting to me.” you smile, shooing him away. He nods and squeezes your shoulder, sliding out of the booth and making his way over to the group of rowdy guys. 

You sip your drink as you watch them, all of them smiling and laughing and you want so badly to be over there with them doing the same, but you just can’t seem to shake this feeling. You can’t tell if you’re mad, or disappointed, or maybe even both. You fidget with the silver bracelet on your wrist, watching as the colorful lights overhead reflect off of the shiny braids. Your head is starting to feel light as your mind wanders. You hold your hands up in front of you trying to even picture what a ring might have looked like there, but for some reason you can’t. 

A commotion from the front of the bar grabs your attention and you scoff. What irony. A bachelorette party. You watch as the bride-to-be and her best friends take over the small dance floor, completely wasted as they dance along to whatever 2000’s hit the DJ is playing. You can’t seem to peel your eyes away from the bride, watching as she dances in her little white dress and her glittering ring. It feels like a slap in the face. You couldn’t imagine what you had done to deserve this tonight as you sit alone in this dive bar on your anniversary. Completely and thoroughly un-engaged. 

Your mood goes from bad to worse as you turn back towards the pool tables and see that they are all standing around the bar ordering more drinks. How long was he planning to be here? Did he really want to do this tonight? How long was he going to let you sit at this table alone? Didn’t he want to take you home? 

You watch the way Jake talks to the bartender, his perfect smile on his lips, talking with his hands in the way he does when he’s had a little too much to drink. It’s then, as you watch him that you realize that this is it. This is how your night will play out. He will have one or two more drinks, he’ll pick a fight with Josh or Sam, then he’ll ask you to order the Uber. You’ll guide him into the house and help him undress and he will pass out before you have even taken your makeup off. Just like any other day. And definitely not a night you would remember forever.

You watch them all take shots at the bar, and it’s only then that he realizes you aren’t there. He grabs the full shot glass from the bar top and walks over to the table, a concerned look on his face. He sits down next to you, sliding you the shotglass of what you can assume is whiskey. 

“What’s going on? Why're you all alone over here?”

“That’s a great question, isn’t it Jake?” you snap, your tone venomous. 

“Woah, what’s up? Are you mad at me? I was just shooting pool for a little while.” he counters, turning towards you. 

“No Jake. I don’t care about the pool. Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.” you lie, trying not to make a scene. 

Sam, Claire and Danny all make their way back to the table, and you can tell from the volume of their voices that they are pretty far gone. They slide in next to you, still carrying on their conversation as Jake works to grab your focus again. “Hey. Look at me. I can tell you’re upset. Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not, I’m fine. I think I just… I don’t know, I saw tonight going differently. But you needed to relax, you needed this, so you should have fun.”

“Differently? How so?” he asks, his eyes glassy, and his tone growing a little defensive. 

“Well, for one I didn’t realize we’d be celebrating someone’s birthday on our anniversary. I didn’t realize I would have to compete for your attention tonight of all nights.” you quip, hoping Claire wasn’t paying attention. 

Josh slides in next to Jake, sipping from his fresh beer and tossing his arm across the back of the booth. “What are we talking about?” he asks, completely unaware. 

“Nothing.” you answer quickly, shooting daggers at Jake.

He huffs out a sigh and takes a long sip of his drink. “Look, I’m sorry you’re not having a good time, you got a pretty new bracelet, what else can I do?” he asks, the point going completely over his head. 

And before you could stop them the words spilled out of your mouth. The words that would seal the fate of the rest of your night. “And you and I both know that it should have been a ring, don’t we Jake?”

The table goes silent, all eyes suddenly fixed on you. Your heart is pounding in your chest. Damn him for that tequila. He did this. He set you up. 

“What?” he asks, shock painting his features. 

Your mouth is dry and the words suddenly disappear from your brain. You wish you could take it back, but you can’t, and now it’s time to own it. “You heard me.” 

“A ring… What– Why would it be a ring, Y/N?” he asks, almost seemingly disgusted by the word. 

“I don’t know Jake, after five years, why would it be a ring?!” you shout, your emotions bubbling over quicker than you can contain them. The embarrassment is eating you alive, and you can feel the heat creeping up your neck. You have to get out of here, you can’t be here anymore. Not with them staring at you. 

“You thought I was gonna— No… What? You think I want to get married?!” He stammers and you feel like you might puke. 

“I’m sorry, Claire. I have to go. I’m sorry– Happy Birthday– I’m sorry…” you stammer, pushing your way out of the booth, not even caring to look back. 

You storm out of the restaurant, tears spilling from your eyes. You can hardly see through the salty tears as you search the parking lot for a bench, a chair, a rock, something. Anything. You just needed to get out of there. 

Stupid. You feel so stupid. Why did you do that? Why did you say that? You look like such an idiot.

You find a bench at the edge of the parking lot, it smells like cigarettes and weed as you flop down onto the plastic seat. You let the tears fall not only from embarrassment, but even worse, rejection. He had blatantly denied you in front of everyone. The people you consider your closest friends. Your family. And he did it so casually.

You bring your fingers up to swipe away at the tears, trying your best not to smear the eyeliner even worse than it probably already was. You try to take a few deep breaths to calm yourself, ready to pull your phone out of your clutch to call the Uber. You laugh at the irony that you were partly right in that you’d be calling an Uber tonight. 

Through shaky breaths you grab your phone, seeing someone walking towards you from the corner of your eye. You turn to look at them, and see Jake walking towards you looking just as furious as you’d left him. 

“Y/N! Jesus Christ, what’s going on?! What’s wrong with you?! Why did you storm out of there like that?” he seethes, finally stepping up to you. “I know you’re drunk, but fuck…”

“Go back inside. I’m calling an Uber.” you sniffle. 

“Fuck no I’m not going back inside! You’re going to tell me what's going on.” he says, shoving his hands into his pockets angrily. 

“You know what’s going on Jake! What more is there to tell?! You just rejected me in front of everybody! So just go!” you shout, the tears starting to flow again. 

He looks around, seeing a few people watching the two of you from the patio. “Let’s go. Get in the car.”

“No. I’m not going with you. I’ll take an Uber!” you shout, your words slurring together. 

“Y/N! Don’t–” he pauses, groaning as he runs a hand over his face. “Don’t do this right here. Just get in the fucking car.”

You stay firm in your seat, your eyes lasered in on his. 

“Y/N. Now.”

You let out an aggravated huff, standing up and walking over towards his car. He is hot on your heels, ripping the passenger door open and throwing it shut behind you. Your heart is racing and your head is pounding, and as he joins you in the driver's seat you know that what comes next will definitely be the only thing you’ll remember from this night. 

—

JAKE POV

Your blood is rushing through your veins like lightning, your heart pounding against your chest as you throw the car into reverse and pull out of the gravel parking lot. There was no sense in telling the guys that you were leaving. The look on their faces as she left you there told you everything you needed to know about where you stood with them in that moment. Disgust.

You pull out into traffic, a blur of headlights practically blinding you. You shouldn’t be behind the wheel, you know that, but the last ten minutes have sobered you up immensely. 

Of course she was expecting it. Of course she was. They probably all were. 

Your chest is still heaving with guilt, maybe even anger as you look over to her, tears streaking down her face as she stares out the passenger window. Fuck. You slam your hand against the steering wheel causing her to jump. You know this is your fault. You want to scream, you want to punch something, destroy something, but the joke isn’t lost on you that something is destroyed, and she’s sitting right next to you. 

Her shoulders shake as she cries, her fingers twisting together, a nervous habit she took on when she was upset. You could tell she was trying not to cry, but you’d hurt her, and she couldn’t brush it under the rug this time. Guilt washes over you again as you listen to her breathing, choppy and desperate as she chokes back sobs. You did this. You fucking did this. 

You reach for her, placing your hand on top of hers, but she pulls away, as if burned by your touch. You feel a pang of hurt pierce through you at her denial. You deserve that. 

“Y/N, please. Say something.” you beg. Your heart continues to pound as you plead for her to speak. 

She turns to look at you, her eyes swollen and red with tears, her make up smeared across her face. She blinks away the tears in her eyes, wrapping her arms around herself protectively. She swallows hard, trying to compose herself enough to speak. “I–I don’t know what you want me to say, Jake.”

“I– I’m sorry! I don’t know why you thought– I mean, I don’t know— Fuck, I just I thought you’d like the bracelet!” you say, struggling to find the right words. 

“I do like it Jake! It’s beautiful! I just…” she stops, turning to look out the window to avoid your eyes.

“You what?” you urge, willing her to answer truthfully. You stop at a redlight and turn your body to look at her, small and shaking in your passenger seat.

“I just really thought it was a ring!” she admits, snapping your heart in two. 

You feel a cold chill run over your body as you pass through the light and turn on to your street. A sick feeling washes over you as you understand exactly why she’s upset. 

“I thought you were going to ask! I thought tonight was it– I just…I wanted you to ask! I felt the box in your pocket at dinner and I just knew it was a ring, but it wasn’t and now–” she cries, the tears falling harder as the truth leaves her lips. You feel like you’ve been punched in the gut, her words hitting you harder with every passing second. 

“Now everyone thinks I’m crazy! They’re probably all laughing at me right now! I’m so embarrassed, and you– you made me feel stupid! In front of everyone! Like I was crazy for ever thinking that you felt that way about me!” she shouts, slapping her hand across her leg.

You pull into the driveway throwing the car in park, and before you can shut off the engine she is stumbling out of the car, making her way to the front door. You jump out to run after her, for what reason you don’t know, it’s not like she can lock you out. But you do, and just as you slip through the front door after her, you hear the bedroom door slam shut. 

You decide to give her a minute to calm down. You need to calm down too. Collect your thoughts, level your head. You toss your keys in the bowl next to hers, depositing your wallet and your crumbled up bar receipt onto the entry table. You lock the front door behind you and shut off the lights, making your way into the kitchen to pour yourself a drink. Sure maybe you’d had enough already, and maybe those drinks are what caused this night to blow up in your face. You’d never know for sure, but now that you’d made your bed you had to lie in it. And the inevitability of what was waiting for you upstairs would have you wishing you had one more drink. 

You pull the Tequila from the shelf, pulling the cork and bringing the glass bottle to your lips. You shoot back a shot and re-cork the bottle, placing it back on the shelf for the next time you need its help. You shut off the kitchen lights and make your way towards the stairs, climbing them slowly as you figure out what you could possibly say to fix this. If there was any fixing this. 

You twist the doorknob, the hinges squeaking slightly as the door swings open. You can hear the bathroom sink running, and the room still smells like her perfume. You gently shut the door behind you, shaking your blazer from your shoulders and tossing it onto the chair against the wall. You walk hesitantly into the room, starting to unbutton your shirt as she steps out of the bathroom. She’s still in her dress, her perfect, beautiful dress, but her hair is tied back now, out of her face and off of her neck. Her eyes are still teary, and her cheeks are red as she turns to look at you. 

“Do you not love me?” she asks, her voice cracking as the question leaves her lips. She’s crumbling, quickly, and you feel your heart drop into your stomach. 

Your chest starts to warm as the question sets in, a flash of anger washing over you. “Yes I love you!” you shout, “Of course I fucking love you, Y/N! How could you even ask me that?!”

“But you don’t want to marry me.” she continues, stepping towards you.

You shake your head as you run your hand over your face. You’re unsure how to answer this one. “You know it’s more complicated than that, Y/N.” 

“No Jake. It’s not. You either love me and want to marry me, or you don’t.” she says, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“You know I love you, goddamnit! I just can’t give you this– this fairytale you’ve created in your head! I will never be able to give you that!” you yell, the pot finally boiling over. 

“But you said that’s what you wanted!” she yells back. 

“I did! Five years ago, I did! You know I did! I just– We were so young when we met, Y/N…My life was so different then. I had these big dreams and I– I never knew they would become reality! I didn’t know the band was going to make it…You know this has been my dream my entire life. I finally have that now. I hold it in the palm of my hand, day in and day out. I have to choose this every single day. If I don’t, it’s gone.” you pause, your face growing red as you shout. 

“Back then, I never imagined that this is what my life would be like, but it’s what I always wanted. And I don’t see it slowing down. Not for a really long time, if ever. But then you came into the picture and I had something else to work for. Something to strive for. I wanted to have that life with you. The house, the kids, all of it. Then shit started to change. I started to get more busy. The band was touring all over the place, you remember, and it’s only gotten crazier since. My priorities had to change to keep up. There was no other option!”

“Nothing would change, Jake!” she cries, her chest heaving.”Nothing would have to change!” 

“Everything would change! Everything!” you scream. “I can’t have this– This life back home that I leave behind for six months out of the year! I can’t have a wife that needs me home…Kids who grow up in my absence and want to know where I am! I can’t do that to you. I won’t do that to you. Or to anyone. I have to give my all to this band. I have to give it everything. I promised myself that I would when I was fifteen years old!” you pause, catching your breath. “You have to understand that it’s not because I don’t love you, Y/N. Its because I love you so fucking much! Because I can’t stand the thought of you having anything other than exactly what you want! You deserve that life, Y/N!”

“Jake–”

“No! Listen to me! You deserve to have a husband that loves you more than anything! A husband that's home every single night with you. Who will help you cook dinner and– and tuck your kids into bed. A husband who will fuck you every single night exactly how you like it and who won’t make you wait months at a time to see him! I can’t give you that! I will never be that! As long as this band plays, it’s not in the cards for me. This is my life. This is what I wanted, and now I have to pay the price that comes with it.” 

“Then I don’t want it, Jake! I don’t need that! I just need you! I love you!” she cries, throwing herself into your arms. Her body is shaking as she cries, and you can feel the pain radiating from her skin as her hands grip into your arms. “No marriage, no kids! I just need you!”

“No, Y/N! No! You’re lying! You do want those things! You’ve told me a thousand times over the past five years! You do want those things. You deserve to have those things. You will have them. You should have the life you always wanted. The life I thought we would have together, Y/N. My life changed, and my priorities had to follow whether I liked it or not. You know that I wanted this with you. You know that. But you also know what this band means to me. To my brothers. I can’t give you what you need… I just…can’t and I don’t think I ever will.”

“You’ll never ask me…” her voice is a whisper. 

“No. I won’t.” you answer truthfully. Your voice is as quiet as hers, and you can feel her heart breaking as if it’s your own. “It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. This is just how my life has to be right now.”

“So maybe not forever?” she asks, her voice strained.

“Baby, please don't do this.”

“Do what, Jake!” she cries, throwing her hands in the air.

“Corner me into a promise I can't make!” you shout, letting the words spill from your lips.

“Can't or won't...” she asks.

“Y/N...”

She pushes away from you, pacing the room as the tears stream down her face. “So– so that's it then.”

You let out a pained sigh, “No, I don’t want it to be it, but we both know that I can’t give you the life that you want, Y/N. I can't stand the idea of wasting your time.”

“Then what, you'll go find someone else who wants the same–”

“No. There won't be someone else. I can't...I won't do this to someone else.” you answer, knowing it sounds a lot worse than you intend.

She turns to look at you, her eyes completely blurred with tears as she tries to figure out what to say, but no words come out when her lips part. You’ve broken her. She swallows back her tears and turns to head towards the bathroom, a sob leaving her chest as she steps through the doorway. 

You swipe the tears away from your own eyes, feeling the lump in your throat grow large enough that you can’t ignore it anymore. A tear sneaks away from your lashes, falling quickly down your cheek as you take in the reality of the situation. This is it. 

You hear the sink turn on and decide to give her a minute, needing one yourself. You step into the closet and strip out of your clothes, pulling a t-shirt over your head and a pair of sweats over your legs. You flick the switch to turn off the light, tying your hair into a knot at the back of your head as you re-enter the room. 

You find her still in the bathroom as you lean against the doorway, watching her struggle through removing her makeup as she cries. Instinctively you move towards her, grabbing the wet cloth from her hand as she tries to brace herself through tears over the sink. 

She swats her hand in the air haphazardly as if trying to shoo you away, but you know her better than that, and you know that this is one thing you can do for her. 

“Jump up.” you say, patting your hand on the countertop. 

“No. Just go.” she cries, her voice choppy and thick with emotion. 

You grab her chin with your fingers and bring her eyes up to meet yours. “Please? Just let me…” you breathe, blinking away the tears in your eyes as you see just how broken she is. 

She jumps up onto the bathroom counter, her legs dangling over the edge as she sniffles and hiccups. You wet the washcloth in the warm sink water, ringing it out before starting to gently brush it over her cheeks, wiping away what little makeup she had left there. She looked so beautiful tonight, you couldn’t help but let your mind wander back through every memory you had of her looking into your eyes like you were the only person in the world. You knew you’d never see that again. You’d just shattered her world in the blink of an eye. 

You dabbed away the mascara at her eyes, her eyes closing to let you. You steady yourself with a hand on her thigh, her skin warm from crying, feeling her soft skin beneath your fingers. You feel sick. How could you do this to her? How could you give this up?

Her eyes flutter open, red and glossy as she looks at you. Her bottom lip is trembling as you run the wet cloth over them, taking away the pink gloss that was left. You set the washcloth on the counter next to her, cupping her jaw in your hand as your other hand stays firmly planted on her thigh. “You know that I love you, right?”

She nods, a sniffle leaving her chest again. “You love me. Just not enough.”

She pushes your hands away and jumps down from the sink. She disappears out of the bathroom and into the closet, changing out of her dress and into something to sleep in. You make your way to the bed, sitting on the edge as you wait for her to emerge, and when she does a whole new wave of pain washes over you. In your boxers and your t-shirt she stands in the doorway looking at you. You can tell her mind hasn’t stopped. Not even for a second. “Do you think it will ever change?”

Heaviness spreads through your body, “No. I don’t think so and even if it did I think it would still be too late for you to consider having children, and that’s not something I am willing to take away from you. You deserve that, Y/N.”

You stand from the bed, pulling back the blankets and sheets that she no doubt made up this afternoon just for tonight. It feels like a knife has been stabbed through you as you think about how differently this night could have ended. You pull her side of the sheets down as she walks over to the bed, waiting for her to slide in before pulling them up over her shoulders. You knew there was nothing you could say to convince her that your love for her was still there. Still growing and blooming every single day. You loved her, more than you loved anything, but because of that you knew you had to tell her the truth. And the truth was that you couldn’t give her anything more than you already had.

You slid in next to her, and typically she would roll into you, falling asleep in the crook of your arm, but you knew that wouldn’t be the case tonight. She kept her distance, sniffling softly on her pillow as you pulled the sheets up over your chest. You missed her, her smell, the feeling of her hands on your chest. You want to reach for her, to hold her and tell her you love her and that you wish things could be different, but you don’t. You just keep to your side of the bed, letting the ache of your heart take over your body. 

She turns off the lamp on her nightstand, another sniffle leaving her chest. She repositions herself in the bed, turning to her back the same way you are. Her breathing is choppy as she stares up into the darkness of the room. The flashing of headlights lights up the room every few minutes, but the room is silent. You listen to her breathe and she listens to you. Neither of you willing to say another word. You know neither of you will sleep much tonight, despite the alcohol swirling through your system. 

You feel like you might be dozing off as you feel the bed dip and she rolls over to face you. You force your eyes open and turn your head to look at her. “What now, Jake?” she breathes, her voice hoarse from all the yelling earlier. 

“I don’t know, I– I didn’t think about it that far, I just– You needed to know the truth. And now you know.” you whisper. 

You turn on your side to face her, bunching your pillow up beneath your head. “I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

The two of you just lay there, looking at each other in the darkness of the room. Only the sounds of your mutual sniffling filling the air. Again, you want to reach for her. Just to hold her hand, but you can’t make yourself do it. You’ve hurt her too bad. You don’t deserve to feel the comfort of her touch. 

Then, a thought crosses your mind. Something you hadn’t considered. Something that would inevitably make everything so much worse. Fuck. What do you say? How do you do this? Do you just say it?

“Baby…” you breathe, watching as her eyes flick up to meet yours. 

“I think– I think that maybe it would be better if… If maybe I went on this tour…alone.” you manage, watching as the air is stolen from her lungs. 

“You don’t…want me… t-to come…” she whimpers, the glint of a tear rolling down her cheek catching your eye. 

You let out a sigh, completely conflicted about how you feel. You hate this. This is quite possibly the worst and hardest thing you’ve ever had to do. 

“Baby I want you to come. Of course I want you to come. But, considering everything…I think maybe it would be better for both of us to have some space from each other. Give us both a chance to gain a little clarity on everything and figure out what we want… and what’s best… for both of us.” you offer, knowing damn good and well that this will crush her even more. 

She doesn’t say anything, she just stares at you with teary eyes as she bites her lips together. Her chest is heaving and her eyes are blinking rapidly. She wants to say something, but again, she can’t. Instead she turns her face into her pillow as a sob rips through her, the feathers working to muffle the piercing wail leaving her body. She turns onto her stomach, clutching the pillow in her arms as the bed shakes with the force of her cries. A tear slips from your own eyes as you feel your chest rip open in pain. You know that you can never go through this, ever again. 

Unable to stand it any longer, you place your hand on her back, feeling her warmth through the t-shirt, but also feeling the shaking pain that you’ve caused her. Your words alone have taken her entire life and shaken it around until there was nothing left but dust. There is no one to blame but yourself. She cries hard into her pillow as you rub her back, hoping your touch will grant her a bit of comfort that you know she needs. 

It feels like hours have passed and you know she can’t possibly have any tears left. You hardly have any left yourself. You continue to rub her back until the shaking stops and the crying subsides just enough that you know she will be okay. You don’t let your hand leave her though. You know that both of you need that contact. In this moment you need her, and she needs you. 

As her breathing starts to even out, you know she's finally drifting off to sleep. Tomorrow will come, and it will be ugly, but it will come nonetheless and you will both have to face it. The good parts and the bad parts. 

The sun is just shy of peeking over the horizon as your own eyes start to close, a dip in the bed waking you as you feel her tired body rolling towards you. With zero hesitation you pull her into you, letting her head fall to your chest and her hands grip into your waist, your body welcoming her the same way it always has. The way you both know each other desperately needs. 

You know what you have to do, but you question if you’re strong enough to do it. If you can do it. You know you have to, for her, but as her chest rises and falls as it lies softly on top of yours, you wonder if your world will continue spinning when she's no longer a part of it.

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Taglist: @gretavanmoon @wetkleenex-gvf @eyelinerjake @farfromthehomelands @sacredstarcatcher @britney-gvf @stardustjake @jakesmustache @starshine-wagner @mweasley19 @emsfallingsky @joopsenthusiast @ageofbajabule @ladywhimsymoon @vanfleeter @myleftsock @joshskittytickler @ageoflou @freefallthoughts @ohgodthefeeling-gvf @literal-dead-leaf @welllauragvf @writingcold @bizzielisteningtogreta @neptune2324 @itsafullmoon @violet-hayes @gvfmarge @demonrat444 @mybussyinchrist @cl0ver-j4de @earthgrlsreasy @what-i-read-home-of-reblogs-mama @mama-likes72 @lenagvf @laurngvf @racheljuneeee @farfromthehomelands @cat3rpillarbaby @cassiesgreta @jarmonicasweat @violet-hayes @ghostly--photography @josh-iamyour-mama @raviolilegs @gvfmarge @milkgemini @jaketlove @watchingover-hypegirl @ageoflou @cl0ver-j4de @takenbythemadness @lightmyloverry

@flightofseams @torniturntomyarrow @allmylovejtk @m0uthfl13s @klarxtr @styles-canvas @fleet-of-fiction @gretavanbear @builtbybrokenbells @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface @starrymoonslut @lightmy-love @edgingthedarkness @gvfmarge @dannys-dream @demonrat444 @jjwasneverhere @fleetingofthegretas @highway-tuna @gretas-sweat @darianh07 @age0fwagner @stardustjake @Catharu77 @milkgemini @watchingover-hypegirl @lightmy-love @erlha @twinszka @peaceloveunitygvf

[gretavanbrie]

#i love me some pirate jake #jake kiskza #i need him so bad

Jake looking like a whole ass pirate has me melting into the floorboards

[gretavanbrie]

giggling and kicking my feet, so so excited!!

Valor 11 Sneak Peek...

[gretavanbrie]

Ugh I cant

In other news

WTF IS THISSSS

[gretavanbrie]

NO

[gretavanbrie]

K but do ya’ll remember? DO YOU BLOODY REMEMBER

[gretavanbrie]

Landslide // finale (J.T.K.)

Summary: You’ve loved him for as long as you can remember, does he feel the same?

Pairings: Jake Kiszka x F!Reader

Warnings: big angsty boy! smut (minors DNI!!), and tooth rotting fluff…like sickening how fluffy honestly, smooching and heavy on the pet names. established friendship, alcohol consumption, mentions of alcohol consumption, feelings of heartbreak, long talks, sadness, arguing, feelings of unrequited love, very brief feelings of abandonment, mentions of break ups, oral (f!recieving), fingering (f!receiving), penetrative sex (p in v), veryyy light impact play, multiple orgasms, slight overstimulation if you squint, squirting, praise kink, crying kink, sir kink, reconciliation. If I missed any lmk!! (Vaguely proof read, excuse any mistakes)

A/N: here is part three since part two had to get split in half, lmk ur thoughts!

Part 1 | Part 2

“Are you fucking kidding me?” you said softly, staring as his chest heaved up and down.

“Y/n..” he said with apologetic eyes.

Your heart clenched at the thought of it all. Upon seeing him so disheveled on your doorstep it reignited the hurt he had burned into you. His harsh tone, the angry look in his eye when you tried your best to be supportive, the embarrassment of thinking he was going to tell you he feels the same only to be let down. And ultimately, how easy it was for him to shut you out after almost 20 years of friendship.

“..no.. no, you can’t just do that.” You whispered closing your eyes, shaking your head as if when you opened them again he would be gone.

“Y/n..can we talk? Please?” He asked, voice low and desperate.

“You’ve never- we’ve never done that Jacob. I’ve been waiting to fucking hear from you for almost two fucking weeks and you just randomly show up on my doorstep?” your voice cracked and you stopped to compose yourself before the actual waterworks showed through.

You were usually very emotionally open with Jake, as was he, but this was all new for you. He had never been so absent, let alone after being so mean and you were not going to show him how badly it had actually affected you.

“I-i know… okay? I know that. Just please, I want to apologize…” he said, eyes boring into your own waiting for the invitation inside. You studied his face in hesitation before reluctantly stepping to the side and letting him in.

He hadn’t been inside your house since before the tour. The warm lighting, the plethora of plants, the old records and classic literature that littered your shelves, the thrifted rugs and furniture, especially your old acoustic that was rarely played was all too familiar.

Seeing your place again after so long, after not speaking to you, was almost too much. You were so engraved into his daily life he forgot just how comforting everything about you was for him. He genuinely missed you and seeing his favorite place that was littered with every part of you after you so long had reminded him of how important you are and how foolish it was for him to just leave you in the cold because some girl made him feel even the smallest fraction of what you so easily do for him.

You shut the door behind him as you watched his eyes scan over everything. He was supposed to come over after the welcome party and help you re-string your guitar. He always did it for you ever since you told him you wanted to start playing, he knew you’d get bored of it but he re-stringed it for you without fail just in case you ended up wanting to play it more often.

You knew when his gaze lingered on it a little too long that he was having an onrush of emotion. You guys had never ignored each other, you two have been attached at the hip since before you could ride a bike. This was out of the norm for you guys and you had completely dismissed his feelings in this as well.

“..you can sit y’know’’ you spoke quietly. No matter how angry you were, you wanted him to know he didn’t have to be a stranger in a home he's stepped foot in so many times.

He swiftly turned to look at you, you caught his eyes and there was a gleam of… Adoration? Regret? You couldn’t place your finger on it and you still had wine in your system, you didn’t want to get ahead of yourself.

“Are you mad at me?” He whispered. Jake knew the answer and even he wasn't quite sure what he was looking for with the question. Somewhere deep down he was hoping you weren’t, he was hoping there was still a chance of fixing what he so foolishly broke.

“Are you seriously gonna ask me that? We’ve been friends for twenty years. I mean since we still had baby teeth and you're gonna ask if I'm mad you ignored me for two weeks after you blew up on me?” You said now pissed.

Jake looked defeated, hearing you say twenty years put everything into perspective for him. You guys were almost thirty and he couldn’t believe he so easily blew up on you and shut you out like that, it was immature.

The fallout freshman year of high school was so petty that neither you or Jake could remember the reason for the fight. You guys were also fourteen and rehashed it two days later, there was no reason for you both to be twenty-seven and ignoring each other for two weeks.

“You’re right.. you're right. I’m so sorry.” He said stepping towards you in hopes of grabbing your hand in his, instead you just turned and went to sit on your couch.

“What did I do, Jake? I don’t know what I could’ve done to for you to be so…mad at me. In the entirety of our friendship you’ve never spoken to me like that.” You say avoiding his gaze as he moves to sit next to you on the couch. He shifted his body towards you and his stare was almost begging you to look at him. You were scared to look in his eyes too long, for your resolve would crumble.

“Nothing. You did absolutely nothing and I hate that I made you feel like you did. If I could go back and take it all back I would. I was jus— i was being stupid. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that sunshine.” Hearing your nickname after so long brought you to meet his own sad eyes.

Your gaze softened and your tough exterior crumbled exactly how you thought it would. He was your best friend, he knew every part of you and you knew you guys would be back and better than ever sooner or later but you also didn’t want this to end up back in the same cruel reality you’ve been living in; loving him in silence.

You didn't just wanna go back to being friends. You were too old now to keep suppressing that part of yourself, you wanted all of him. You wanted the romantic parts of Jake. You wanted domesticity, you wanted sexual tension, you wanted it all and you wanted it with him.

Inevitably you’d give in to him regardless, friend or not, and that’s what hurt the worst of it all.

“So then why did you do it?” You quietly asked. He looked down in deep thought, like he was contemplating giving you the real reason or beating around the bush. Jake was terrified of scaring you off if you somehow didn't feel the same. He wanted you back in his life, not to push you away from him again.

“I suppose I just got too in my head and convinced myself you were unhappy for me. I um.. asked Laura to be my girlfriend on impulse and I think I projected my regret onto you. It’s not right, at all. And I am in no means trying to excuse my behavior…just an explanation I guess” he said, avoiding the full truth.

He didn’t think it was the right time to tell you the real reason he projected so badly was because he caught a glimpse of your love for him and it made him realize he wanted you and only you.

You had never seen Jake so unsure of himself. You saw how truly regretful he was and it kind of made you feel bad. You looked at him and you saw his inner child that had grown up alongside yours trying to be a sensible man. You saw the struggle in his eyes, Jake had a harder time processing emotions than you and you were always a guiding hand. Now that you had been apart, you saw how lost he seemed.

“Y/n I don’t think there are enough words in any language to express how sorry I am..” You had to tear your eyes away from his own before you started crying.

You reminded yourself he is a person outside of your friendship with him and it isn’t wrong of him to make a mistake. He had never treated you like this before so it wasn’t necessarily a pattern. It was the heat of the moment and he's expressing his genuine remorse to you. No matter how bad you wanted to, you don’t have it in you to stay mad at him.

“We’ve never gone that long without talking, you shut me out like it was so easy for you.. a-and Sam. I wanna apologize for leaving you guys, I do. I’m sorry for just ditching you all.. I got overwhelmed but you guys texting me like that was a low fucking blow Jake.” You scolded him.

Jake grimaced at the reminder of him and Sam's drunk texts.

“You don’t have to apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for. I made you feel unwelcome when I shouldn’t have. I didn't mean it.. and it certainly wasn't easy y/n. I was drunk and mad at myself, I thought pushing you away would kind of make whatever’s going on up here a bit easier..” he said gesturing to his head.

“…it just made everything worse. And then when I woke up the next day I didn't know how to reach out and I was scared of what you might say” He continued, voice weak. You sat quiet for a moment processing your thoughts before speaking again.

“Listen.. I'm still hurt honestly that you left me in the dark that long. I was waiting for you to apologize for two weeks, Jake. I got nothing but radio fucking silence. I don’t want to not be friends with you, I want things to go back to normal but we’re adults now and I feel like you should’ve handled it like one.” It was a bit harsh granted he was openly communicating his regret but him telling you not to bother reaching out was far more crass.

“I’m sorry.. that was mean. I could’ve said that nicer but I still stand by my point.” You continue.

“You don’t have to apologize, I know what I did was wrong and I'm fully willing to bear the consequences.” Jake said.

“You can say I don’t have to but I want to, it was a welcome home party and I should’ve stayed regardless of my feelings. I don’t want to keep fighting with you anymore, this is weird for us” you let a small laugh escape your lips at the insanity of it all. He chuckled alongside you as he looked down at his tattered boots.

“C’mere..” you whispered standing up. He followed suit as you opened your spare closet and pulled out the guitar kit Jake had made for you.

“I know it’s getting a bit late but I think all the spare wire you gave me is still in there, do you still wanna help me string my guitar?” You smiled up at him nervously.

Jake's heart melted at the sight. The eyes he loved no longer tainted with the sadness he caused and instead sparkling as you stared up at him with the kit he made for you in your hands. The fact that you had even remembered that he would rather do it for you than anyone else had made him far more enamored.

“I would love to.” he smiled, a real Jake smile. One that you had missed dearly.

He grabbed the box from your hands kicking his shoes off. He grabbed your acoustic and made himself comfortable on your couch laying it across his lap. The way he so casually spread his legs and laid it on himself sent the blood rushing to your head and made you weak in the knees. You had never been jealous of a guitar until now.

“Jesus, how long has it been since you played this thing? There are strings missing” he laughed, breaking you from your impure thoughts.

“Yeaaah i couldn't tell ya, i tried to tune it and they popped on me. You might’ve been the last to play it actually..’ you said, standing up to put on a record for some background noise.

Jake didn't care if it was starting to get late or if he hadn’t checked his phone in over an hour, he was here, with you, and he never wanted to leave this bubble you guys created. Things felt normal despite the nasty fallout between you both. It felt right to be with you again and he wasn't gonna let it slip through his fingers this time.

“I played this way before I left for tour, you’ve just been letting this baby collect dust?” He feigned a look of hurt.

“I’m no Jake Kiszka, you know. I psych myself out” you joked, smiling as you sat beside him.

“This Jake guy seems to know his stuff..” he chuckled.

“..yea, I’d say he’s pretty cool” you shrugged bringing your knees to your chest.

“Thank you for hearing me out.” Jake chimed as a few beats of silence enveloped the both of you. He snipped one of the wires before looking at you for confirmation that you heard him.

“Thank you for apologizing… was starting to worry” you nervously giggled trying to lighten the mood.

“What do you say we crack open a bottle of wine and celebrate.” He said, raising his eyebrows at you.

“What are we even celebrating?” You smiled at him.

“I don’t know, I just feel like we never really had a proper chance to. I kinda screwed things up.” Jake nervously laughed.

“Plus you’ve got a good record going, I know you’ve got some wine stashed away. Grab me a glass, won't you darling?” He smiled as his sentence ended in his familiar English accent.

“Oh why of course sir.” You replied, going along with the bit.

As you stood up to open the bottle you had stashed away, Jake couldn't help but smile to himself.

He missed this, he missed you.

Everything felt right, being here with you on your couch fixing up your guitar. He couldn’t believe he was willing to throw it away for some random girl. He didn’t have to hide his true personality around you, you embraced him for who he was with open arms.

He’d rather have you as a friend than nothing at all.

You only poured him a glass since you had been drinking all day and your mind was still a little hazy. When you returned to him with the bottle but only one glass he stared at you inquisitively.

“I drank a lot today, I gotta give myself a break.” You smiled.

“Ahhh that’s right” he chuckled, grabbing the glass. He thanked you before taking a sip and setting it on the coffee table.

“What do you mean that’s right?” you mocked as you looked at him in astonishment.

“You don’t remember the voice message?” He looked at you with amusement painted across his face. You however, looked horrified.

“Voice message?!? It must’ve been before I fell asleep…” you trailed off, eyes bouncing around the room as you tried to gather the memory. You quickly remembered everything as your cheeks warmed from the embarrassment. You shyly covered your face as you recalled your drunk call.

“Sorry.. i just had a lot to drink and one thing led to anoth—“

“It’s cute. Don’t apologize, I don’t think I would’ve been here tonight without it” he cut you off looking down to tune the guitar as he had finished restoring the strings.

Your heart fluttered at him calling you cute.

You felt a new energy linger between the both of you as you watched him gently pluck at each string. The way his brow furrowed when the tune didn’t sound quite right on a string. The way he softly wet his lips and left his mouth slightly parted in concentration made you want to jump his bones right there. Whatever it was, you liked it and you didn’t want him to stop.

“..cute, huh?” You softly teased, smiling at him. You watched as his cheeks turned crimson, you had made him nervous and you secretly liked it.

“You know what I meant, sunshine.” He smiled, continuing his task.

“But pour yourself a glass, at least just one…and cheers me” Jake said, hopeful eyes looking into your own.

“Are you peer-pressing me just so I can cheers you? Did those dare assemblies teach you nothing?” You replied sarcastically.

“If that's what you wanna call it then yes.” He said matter-of-factly.

You just laughed before obliging and opting for just one more glass to end the day. You poured the wine as Jake set the guitar down, picking up his own glass. He waited as you got situated before raising his glass to cheer.

“To being friends!” Jake cheered.

The statement just made your heart sink and you questioned what you were even doing. Your expression fell and your shoulders immediately slumped. You vowed to stop sacrificing that part of yourself for him and here you are, doing just that. Jake noticed your change in demeanor and your glass still level with your chest not clinking against his own.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, lowering his glass and setting it on the table.

The question triggered something in you because something is wrong and always has been wrong.

You have failed to admit it to yourself for years and are you about to blurt it out on a random night after your guy’s biggest argument yet? You didn't know. You were confused and embarrassed that your mood has switched so fast upon hearing a single sentence.

“I’m sorry…” you said as you let a tear quietly slip. You wiped you face before taking a sip of your wine and setting the glass down.

“A-are those happy tears?” Jake nervously smiled, cocking his head to the side; not sure of how to comfort you.

“I can’t— I can’t keep loving you in silence, Jake.” You whispered, covering your face in your hands momentarily. The onrush of emotion was becoming overwhelming.

The room fell silent and the buzzing of the record coming to an end had also come to a halt as if the auto-stop on your player could read the tension you had created in the room.

“W-what?” Jake questioned, voice barely above a whisper.

It wasn’t that you had regretted saying it, you just wish it were under better circumstances and not purely on impulse. On the other hand, you felt relieved that you had finally torn down that wall you’ve been building for years.

“I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know where that came from.. i know you’re with someone and i'm sure she’s great to you, I don’t want ruin that but I’ve been in love with you for too fucking long Jake and I can’t keep trying to convince myself I’m not for the sake of ruining our friendsh—“

Your desperate rambling was quickly cut off by Jake's soft lips crashing against your own.

Your eyes widened in shock before quickly relaxing into him as he hovered above you on the couch. Your lips moved in sync with his, it was everything you had imagined and more. The way yours slotted in so seamlessly with his own. The way he progressively kissed you with more fervor only made your body ache with need. He held onto you as if you’d disappear at any second, as if he was craving this just as much as you if not more. You both moved in a frenzy, eager to explore one another how you both had incessantly craved growing up.

You brought your hands up to cradle his face. You were scared this wasn't real and you needed him to be as tangible as possible. As if his lips on your own wasn't enough, you almost needed him to be engraved within you.

He slipped his tongue in perfectly as he explored what it felt like to finally be kissing you. Jake's head was rushing with emotion, your lips were so sweet against his own. He always imagined them to be soft but the feeling he's getting could never manifest properly within one's imagination. It was a feeling you had to physically experience.

You reluctantly pulled back as you remembered he was with someone and he was your lifelong friend. It felt right but the morality of it was completely wrong.

“J-Jake..” you whispered, pulling your lips from his own. Jake furrowed his brows at the loss of contact and fought himself from going back in for more.

“..we can’t, you're with Laura.” You said, voice cracking as you toyed with the necklaces adorning his chest. You so badly wanted to be his.

“Y/n i broke up with her.” He said, attaching his lips to yours again.

“She could never compare to you..’ he whispered, pulling himself back. His hand softly caressed your cheek as his eyes danced across your face.

“I’m sorry for ever thinking otherwise but i'm here now, all yours.”

You were so hopelessly in love with him it hurt. The way he gently rubbed your face, the pure adoration in his gaze, it was all too good to be true.

“This feels like a dream..’ you whispered back, your eyes shining up at him.

You looked at him with so much love Jake was having a hard time keeping himself composed. Now having felt your kiss for himself he feels sick at the thought of another experiencing the pure euphoria you have to offer. He couldn’t believe he went all this time without it and he certainly didn’t know how he was meant to live life with its absence now that he's gotten a taste.

You pulled him down towards you by his necklaces before gently kissing him again, this time a bit slower. You both wanted to enjoy every bit of this, you wanted to engrave this in your memory for eternity.

The feeling was enrapturing.

Your lips moved in tandem with the other, it felt so natural, like this should’ve been done ages ago. You never believed in the cliches of a kiss. While you didn’t necessarily feel the sparks every love story raved about, the electricity was undeniable. It was unlike any other kiss you had felt.

You didn’t expect your first kiss with Jake to be on your couch but you honestly wouldn’t have it any other way, you couldn’t believe you’re finally experiencing what seventeen year old you thought would never happen. Your hands cupped his face to keep him as close as possible.

Everything felt so surreal.

Jake was as much of a hopeless romantic as you were and this was everything he wanted and more. He couldn’t be more sure that you were the one for him. His hands desperately held the back of your head as your hair tangled within his fingers. You moved your hands from his face to his hair as he deepened the kiss.

You mindlessly tugged at his chestnut locks, Jake let out a low grunt at the feeling, you wanted that sound to replay in your head forever. You’ve never seen him in such desperation for you.

“Y/n..” he mumbled against your lips.

“Hmm” you softly hummed as a reply as you pecked his lips.

“I don’t wanna stop kissing you, I really don’t.. but we gotta-“ he kissed you once more.

“…we gotta slow down. I wanna do things right with you.” He continues.

“Are you getting too excited, jakey?” You teased as you bit your lip. You don’t know where the newfound confidence came from but Jake made you feel so comfortable.

He just tipped his head back and laughed. Jake ran a hand over his face before smiling back down on you, his love drunk eyes scanning every inch of you.

“You’re gonna be the death of me, woman.” He smiled before scooping you up bridal style and carrying you to your bedroom.

He couldn’t believe you were in his arms right now after kissing him with so much desire. If he knew the depth of your feelings for him he would’ve done this a long time ago.

Jake gently laid you on the bed but didn't get in with you, he made his way over to the door instead.

“What are you doing? Are you leaving?’ You ask, sitting up on your elbows.

“No baby, just shutting the door.” He chuckled as butterflies erupted at the pet name. It rolled off his tongue so easily, like he had called you baby forever.

“Mmm i like that, say it again..” you smiled as he leaned over you on the bed to place a peck on your lips.

“What? Shutting the door?” He teased.

“C’mon you have to be nice to me now..” you playfully whined.

“Who says? Not like you’re my girlfriend.”

Ouch.

Jake realized how insensitive that sounded considering you just professed your love to him before having a spontaneous steamy make out session.

The realization settled in that he was in fact right, you weren’t dating and you were getting too comfortable. You cleared your throat as you sat up adjusting yourself.

“I didn’t mean it like that, sunshine.. I was just teasing.”

“No, no you’re right..we're not. I was getting ahead of myself, you don’t have to call me baby..” you paused looking down at your hands before continuing.

“…d-do you think we ruined everything?” You asked, now feeling extremely vulnerable. Jake gently grabbed your chin bringing you to look up at him, he placed a soft kiss on your lips before responding.

“You don’t know how long I’ve waited to have you like this y/n, if you think we ruined it you're insane. I think we just made everything so much better.” He smiled down at you, you couldn’t help but let a tear escape as you smiled up at him. He truly was the perfect one for you.

‘They’re happy tears this time, promise.” You gave him a tight lipped smile as he planted the messiest peck on your lips wrapping his arms around you.

“I’ll happily call you baby whenever you want, so long as you give me another kiss.” He said looking down at your lips. You giggled before softly placing your lips against his.

He deepened the kiss hovering over you on the bed as your hands found their way back through his hair. You hummed against his lips as his knee came to rest between your legs. The sound was music to Jake’s ears.

You ran your hands along his exposed chest before toying with the last few buttons on his shirt.

“Eager, are we?” Jake teased.

You blushed at the fact he’d taken notice of your desperation. You were trying to play it cool and not like this is the very moment you’ve dreamt about on too many nights alone to count. You were stuck on how you even got in this position in the first place. Jake pecked your lips once more before trailing his way down to your neck.

“Don’t get all shy on me now baby..” the rasp in his voice sent shivers down your spine as he slid a hand up your shirt toying with your bra strap.

‘Is it okay if I take this off?” He whispered in your ear before planting a kiss just below it. You closed your eyes from the pure bliss the proximity brought you, you’ve seen how romantic and sensual Jake can be and you had desperately longed to feel that for yourself.

“Mhmm..” you softly hummed.

“Use your words darling.” His voice was stern, dominating, and you loved it.

Jake was usually very sure of himself in bed yet he was struggling to maintain composure seeing your lust-filled eyes watch his every move. He wanted to make this moment special, he wanted it to be memorable and you made him incredibly nervous. Alike yourself, this is the moment he's been dreaming of and he was certain on making it exceptional.

“Please Jake.” You said, voice merely above a whisper. Jakes eyes fluttered shut at the sweet sound of your desperation, the need in your plea only spurring him on further. In one swift motion your shirt was being pulled over your head.

Jake sat back for a moment to fully admire you. He had seen you in a bikini plenty of times but this was especially different. A bathing suit top is nothing compared to you in a black lace bra underneath him as you stare up at him with love-drunk eyes.

“You’re too good to be true, y/n.” Jake said before hungrily attaching his lips to yours.

He didn’t linger on your lips for long before he started trailing his kisses down your neck and chest before eventually finding purchase on the curve of your boob.

“Take it off.” You said, you were so quiet you weren’t sure he even heard you.

“What?”

“You can take it off, jakey” you reiterated.

Jake wasted no time in unclasping your bra and sliding it down your arms.

“..fuck.” He whispered beneath his breath.

You closed your eyes as his hands moved to massage both your breasts. Jake reattached his lips to the skin of your chest before trailing down and wrapping his lips around your nipple and gently sucking.

You whimpered slightly and you felt Jake grow even harder against your leg. He swirled his tongue around as his other hand came up to roll your other nipple between his thumb and pointer.

“Fuckkk jake..” you moaned.

He let off your breast with a pop before leaving a trail of kisses down your stomach. Your heart rate quickened as he came close to your heat, you couldn’t believe how you ended up in this situation.

“I’m gonna take these off baby, okay?”

“Okay.” You softly giggle as he pulls your sweatpants down your legs, throwing them off to the side of your bed.

“Are we really doing this?” You ask with a nervous smile as he came back up to kiss you once more.

“Only if you really want to.” Jake said, pressing his lips to yours.

“You're not gonna get all weird with me in the morning are you?” You joked.

“Not a chance, sunshine.” He reassured, shining you a comforting smile.

You felt relieved you were finally doing this with someone who understood your emotional needs so well. It wasn't weird that you were becoming intimate with someone you’ve known for so long, it was everything you wanted. You knew at this moment you could trust him with your entire being.

“I'm all yours, baby.” You say pulling him down to feel the taste of his lips on yours again. You couldn’t get enough of it, it was compelling, intoxicating, an addiction waiting to take its course.

With his lips still on your own, Jake moved his hand down to gently move the fabric of your thong to the side. You sighed against his lips as you felt his calloused finger tip collect some of your slick.

“You’re soaked, love..” he mumbled against your lips.

Jake sat back to get a good look at the mess between your legs. Your cunt ached with need and you were eager to feel him inside you.

He swiped his finger across your vulva once more before bringing his fingers to his mouth for a taste. Jake softly hummed at how sweet you tasted, he collected some more on his middle and ring finger before inserting them in your own. You moaned at how hot this side of Jake was. The taste of your arousal mixed with the saltiness of the skin on his fingers, you wanted him to absolutely ruin you.

He slid one finger into your cunt watching and studying how your face contorted in pleasure. Your brows slightly furrowed and your lips softly parted at the feeling of finally feeling the contact you’d been desperately craving. He pumped his finger in and out gently coaxing small moans and whimpers out of you. Jake had never heard prettier sounds in all his years of living.

Jake moved his way down, sliding your underwear down your legs. He moved his face to be level with your dripping core. He laid flat on his stomach wrapping his arms under your knees and resting both of your legs atop his shoulders. Once he had your legs comfortably sat he slipped both his hands under your ass lifting your bottom half into his face. You watched as he connected his mouth to your clit gently sucking. He licked a long stripe, collecting every last drop of the sweet nectar on his tongue.

“You taste so good, sunshine.” Jake said, pulling back; this time inserting two fingers in you.

Your mouth fell slack as he pushed them both to the hilt and curled up. He slowly pumped them inside you as your abdomen tightened from the pleasure. Jake was having a ball seeing the reactions he could emit from you with solely his fingers.

“Tell me how good it feels baby..” he said, slowing his movements as he waited for a response. He looked up at you from his position, his chin coated in your slick. He was so hot like this, you didn’t expect Jake to be so vocal in bed but it ultimately made so much sense.

“Mm.. soo good Jake..” you whimpered, grinding your hips further down on his fingers for more friction.

“Atta girl.” He praised before attaching his mouth to your slit once more.

He was working you at a much faster pace, he was almost feral for you. The pleasure was so intense you could only emit high pitched whines and staggered breaths. Your sounds of pleasure only made Jake want to coax more out of you. His fingers and his tongue moved in harmony as you so gracefully sang for him. Jake was in ecstasy with your thighs clamped around his head as you writhed beneath him.

Jake added a third finger pushing in as far as he could and merciselly pounded his fingers in and out of you while he hungrily sucked on your clit. The feeling of the added finger and the stimulation on your clit had the knot in your stomach tightening faster than you would like to admit.

“I’m close” you whined, gripping his hair in your fingers.

Jake didn’t speed up nor slow down, he knew this was the pace that was drawing you closer and didn’t want to mess up the flow. He looked up to watch how your face beautifully contorted from your impending orgasm. He felt your walls clench around his fingers before you closed your eyes and tipped your head back even further into the pillow.

You felt the knot finally explode as you let out a choked moan from the immense pleasure you were receiving.

Jake gently pulled his fingers out and made his way up to kiss you again. You moaned at the taste of your climax on his lips. He sat back and messed with his belt pulling his pants off. He discarded them with the rest of the clothes lying on the floor.

You pulled him back down towards you to attach your lips to his again. Now that you had finally felt his kiss you couldn’t get enough of it. You moaned against his lips as you toyed with the band of his boxers.

“I don’t have a condom” He spoke against your kiss.

“I’m on birth control.. as long as you don’t have any germs down there im fine.” You giggled moving loose strands of his hair away from his face. Jake chuckled before helping you slip his boxers off.

Your eyes widened upon seeing his shaft spring free.

“Not what you expected?” He teased with a cocky smirk. You rolled your eyes with a laugh but he wasn't entirely wrong. You didn’t expect for him to be small but definitely not this big. Jake’s member was painfully hard, the tip swollen red with pre-cum leaking. He had gotten himself so worked up while pleasing you, he was desperate for release. It was intimidating to say the least.

“Don’t flatter yourself, kiszka.” You jokingly chided.

Jake chuckled before leaning back over you and spreading your legs apart with his knees. He attached his lips to yours in a passionate kiss as you felt his tip come in contact with your slit. You tried pushing your hips down to see if he would slip in even the slightest but to no avail.

“Mm-m… not yet.”

“Gonna please you some more baby” Jake continued.

“But this would please me.” You whined.

“so whiny, just trust me.. yeah?” He breathed as he moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

”Come stand in front of me..” he said softly.

You got up from your spot on the bed and made your way to stand in between his parted legs. Your hands subconsciously moved to cover your boobs, you felt extremely vulnerable now fully exposed in front of him. You were still getting accustomed to the fact that your lifelong best friend just gave you one of the best orgasms you’ve ever had. His hands gently moved your hands off each boob and kissed along your sternum.

“So beautiful, my woman.” Jake mumbled against your skin. He tucked a piece of your hair behind your ear as he retreated from your torso.

He took a moment to admire you on complete display for him. You were stunning, Jake was practically drooling at the sight. He still couldn’t believe you loved him the same as he did.

“temptress of my heart…” he muttered, almost to himself as his eyes drank in your beauty. You blushed and smiled to yourself that he had been so kind to you even in your most vulnerable state.

“If it becomes too much we're gonna use the stoplight system, okay?”

”green you're good, yellow we slow down for a little, red we stop completely.” He held direct eye contact waiting for your answer.

“O-okay.” You shyly replied.

No one had ever dominated you like this and you were eager to see what he had in store for you, you doubt you would even use the safe words but you were glad he ensured your own pleasure above all else.

“Bend over my lap baby.” Jake directed.

You timidly shifted your body to the side of jakes as he laid his hand on your lower back to help guide you over his thighs. You shifted your body down until your torso was across his legs. Jake wrapped his hands around your waist and guided you further towards one side until your top half was almost hanging off him completely giving his arm better access to your center. He gave your ass a squeeze causing you to slightly hum in pleasure, eager for him to carry on.

”You look so pretty like this, sunshine. Bent over my lap, all naked..” he trailed off as he started getting lost in the thought of his fantasy finally becoming a reality. He quickly inserted one finger eliciting a moan from you.

“More..” you pleaded.

”my sweet girl..” he mumbled, inserting another finger, pumping at a faster rate.

“Good job using your words baby..” he said as you let out a high pitched moan as he had started pumping his fingers so fast in and out of you that you were about to slide off his lap entirely if it weren’t for him wrapping his left arm around under your neck combatting the force of his right hand.

The position he had you in only added to the pleasure. Jake added a third finger again, this time stretching you further than before. You dropped your full weight on Jake allowing his arm to fully hold you up as he worked your pussy with fervor.

Your moans had subsided to long drawn out whines as the pleasure had intensified. You’ve never been fingered so well in a position like this and you wondered how you would ever get over him, should something bad happen, now that he's made you feel such intense euphoria.

Jake's soft hums of praise and the lewd squelching of your arousal was all that could be heard as your vocalized pleasure had subsided to silence. Your mouth hung agape as it all became so intense you were experiencing a feeling you had never felt before. Jake only pumped faster as you finally released guttural moans.

The blood rushing to your head from your position made you feel incredibly light headed on top of the pure ecstasy Jake was making you feel. The unfamiliar feeling only grew stronger as he curled his fingers just right, thrusting in and out of you with even more force.

Your hips spasmed against his thighs as your orgasm had completely overtaken all senses. Your vision blurred over for a moment as your release was far more intense than any other you had ever felt. The moan you let put was practically a scream as you heard the rush of your own arousal drip all over the floor as it had completely soaked the side of Jake's leg and down your thighs.

He continued to work you through it as your cum sprayed down his forearm some more. Once you had calmed down and your body had laid limp across his lap, Jake gently guided you to stand up and sit back down more comfortably on his lap while you caught your breath. He gently moved the hair that has stuck to the sweat coating your forehead, allowing you to recover.

‘‘Holy shit, jake..’’ you said, completely exhausted. You curled up against his chest as he wrapped his arms around you.

”m’sorry about the mess, never done that before” You giggled as the heat rose to your cheeks to which jake slightly chuckled.

”you never have to apologize, baby.” He gently mumbled as his hold on you tightened.

“Color?” He asked.

”green.” You said, lifting your head from the crook of his neck.

Jake smiled bright at you before tapping your calf, signaling you to stand up. You laid back down on your back as Jake crawled above you capturing your lips in yet another kiss. He moved his hand down grabbing ahold of his dick and lining it up with your entrance. Your breath hitched in your throat as you realized Jake was actually about to fuck you. Before you could think on it any further he slowly pushed inside.

“Fucking shit.” He muttered as he bottomed out.

Your eyes rolled to the back of your head at the satisfying stretch his member gave you. No one had ever made you feel so full.

“You feel so good, jake.” You moaned.

Jake started out slow as you were emitting tiny ‘uh’ sounds with every thrust. He slowly started picking up speed as he lifted a leg over his shoulder. He bent down to give you a kiss, bending your leg back with him. You moaned against his mouth at the new angle as he began to mercilessly pound in and out of you.

“You’re squeezing me so tight, fuck.’ He groaned as he picked up his pace. Jake was trying his best to hold out as long as possible but he shouldn’t need to worry, you were still so sensitive from the last two orgasms that your third was creeping up embarrassingly fast.

“Harder, sir.” You whimpered. You didn’t know where the name had come from but the fire it ignited behind Jake's irises only gave you all the more confidence.

”say it again.” Jake ordered, his hooded eyes meeting your own.

“Please, sir… I'm so close.” You whined once more.

“Hold it.” He said pulling out of you and forcefully flipping you around. He gripped your hips pulling you onto all fours making sure your torso laid flat on the bed. He lined himself up with your back entrance.

”color.” He demanded.

“Green.” You said before you yelped from the forceful thrust of Jake's hips. He wrapped your hair around his fist once more. Jake was pounding into you so hard your body thrusted forwards from the sheer force of his hips against your backside.

“Pl-please— fuck!” You yelped as he perfectly hit your g spot.

He smirked behind you as he began focusing his thrust on that area. Your soft moans evolving into high pitched whines as he fucked you senseless. You were still incredibly sensitive and you didn’t know how much longer you’d be able to hold out as the pressure had only started rising even more.

“I feel you squeezing around me, i. said. hold. It.” He punctuated his last words with each thrust digging into your cervix, the pain bordered pleasure and the feeling was intoxicating.

Tears pricked at your eyes from the intensity of your impending climax. You cried out as he only picked up speed. Adjusting his grip on your hair, Jake pulled your body up so your back laid flush against his chest. He kissed along your neck as he thrusted upwards.

“Aw, is my sweet girl crying?” Jake said through heavy breaths. You could tell he too was close to a release.

“Just feels soo good, huh angel?” He taunted as the fingers not tangled in your hair came around to toy with your clit.

”please sir” you cried.

”i-i can’t” you continued as tears slid down your face from the fervent pleasure. You knew deep down you could, the pleasure was just overwhelming. It wasn’t like you didn’t feel like you could use your safe word with Jake, deep down you liked the this side of Jake.

“You can, baby. You’re taking it so well. Just one more for me, yea?”

“One more..’ you echoed as you closed your eyes and let him take the reigns. Jake let go of your hair guiding your top half back down on the bed. He turned you on your back once more before slipping back inside your warmth. You both let out sighs of relief as you watched it slide in.

“That’s my girl. Taking it so well, sunshine.” He said as he wiped the remaining tears staining your cheeks. You closed your eyes and hummed as he slowly started thrusting, this time a little slower as he wanted to take his time with you.

Your breathy whimpers spurred Jake on as your eyebrows slightly furrowed from the pleasure. He couldn’t be more enamored by you at this moment. Your breast slightly bounced with his thrusts, your moans were as sweet as a siren's song, your hair perfectly splayed across the pillow, your soft plump lips slightly parted; he was hopelessly in love with you.

”I love you, y/n.” He said before capturing your lips in a sweet kiss. You moaned happily against his lips as his thrusts picked up more speed.

“I love you more..” you said between breaths as he started fucking into you harder. he wrapped both your legs around his hips as he leaned over you. He placed soft kisses along your neck as his cock hit the perfect spot in your core.

Your moans accelerated as did his speed, you were teetering over the edge once more as his member perfectly hit your cervix.

“Can i cum, sir.. please” you pleaded as you tried grinding your hips down in time with his own. The new sensation of your clit rubbing against his pelvis only quickened your oncoming orgasm.

“Mhm, now.” He said picking up pace as his brows furrowed and his hair clung to the beads of sweat adorning his face.

You were sent over the edge as your legs clamped around his hips. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head as you succumbed to the waves of pleasure radiating throughout your body.

“Fuckkkkkkkk Jake” you let out a drawn out moan at the intensity.

“That's it baby, just let go” he said, coaxing you through your orgasm as another wave of pleasure shot through you.

You felt him twitch inside you before he pulled out and quickly picked his boxers up, pumping his load into the fabric as heavy breaths escaped through his nose.

“Holy shit.” He laughed, discarding the briefs and making his way to lay down next to you.

Jake wasted no time in pulling you into him as he tangled his legs around yours, you felt him start to soften against your leg and you had never felt so intimately connected to someone. Aside from any romantic aspect, he knew you completely, probably better than most and now he knew you even your most private self.

“Best sex I’ve had..” he mumbled as his eyes darted across your blissed out face.

“Didn’t peg you to be soo….dominant, for lack of better word.” You giggled.

”I'm whoever you want me to be, baby.” Jake smiled with heavy eyelids.

“Are you sleepy?” You whispered, resting a palm on his cheek.

“Very, but I don’t wanna go to sleep just yet.” He said. Jake didn’t want this moment to end. He was clinging on to every last moment with you as if when he woke you would cease to exist, as if he had dreamt it all.

”Well, do you wanna take a quick shower and have a sleepover?” You said flashing him a gentle smile.

”I'll take you up on that sleepover but I'm gonna have to postpone that shower..” he chuckled, closing his eyes and stretching his legs. He let out a content sigh before pulling you in close.

”Just a quick one, baby” you mumbled, twisting his hair around your finger.

”Okay but tell me you love me again” he whispered, moving to leave a sweet peck on your lips.

“I loveee you” you giggled, wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him even closer to you.

”mmmmm…again.” he said, kissing you once more.

”I love you, I love you.” You said gently swiping your nose across his own.

”one more time.” You laughed loudly as he smiled at you.

”come on jakey, you know i love you. I’ve loved you for like… ever.”

”how much you wanna bet i loved you first” Jake challenged.

”not a chance” you scoffed.

“Trust me, I did…I wish we would’ve realized sooner.” he said, eyes trailing down to your lips before darting back up to your eyes.

“Thats why i blew up on you that night, i noticed you were upset and i thought i ruined any chance with you…” he continued.

”Jake..”

”no. Let me finish, I’ve been dying to tell you. I-i started seeing Laura to distract me from you.” You pulled back in shock.

’what?!” You laughed.

“No way, me??!” You continued in shock that he even saw you that way all this time. He laughed at your flabbergasted state.

“Of course you” Jake chuckled.

”Jake I haven’t been in a relationship in years because I couldn't stop thinking about you. I was waiting for one hint that you liked me back but I think I may have been a bit blind.” You sheepishly smiled.

”No, that's on me, sunshine. I had terrible flirting attempts and then I just assumed you didn’t like me back so I tried convincing myself to stop seeing you in that light which..failed, terribly.” He laughed.

“I was trying to convince myself I didn’t have feelings for you either and I guess I ended up convincing you in the process as well.” You joked shining light on how silly it all was.

Jake didn’t seem to laugh. He was oddly quiet and avoiding your gaze.

“J-jake?”

”sorry i just still feel really awful for how i spoke to you. You don’t deserve that from anyone. Now that I know I did in fact break your heart with the news, the way I spoke to you after just makes it worse.”

”its okay bab—“

”no. It’s not. I told myself I would always make sure you were happy and I basically failed. And then i fucking ignore you? Like what was I thinking? You deserve so much better than that. You have a heart of pure fucking gold and I should’ve handled it with more care. I’m so sorry y/n.”

“W-why did you ignore me? If you don’t mind me asking.” you timidly ask, afraid of the answer.

”I suppose initially I thought it’d be better to antagonize you than realize I was the one that fucked up and then I just felt so guilty and almost…paralyzed at the thought that I couldn’t bring myself to reach out and apologize. I was a-ashamed, I felt like I had ruined it all.”

“I see..” you say nervously chewing on your bottom lip.

”well, it doesn’t matter. What happened happened no matter how shitty, we're here now and we just had the time of our lives together… o-or at least i did, I don’t know about y—“ you were cut off by Jake pressing his lips to yours.

”you're cute when you ramble.” He whispered, pulling back. You blushed covering your face by nestling it on his chest.

”how about that shower?” He offered.

”yea, you kinda smell.” You joked, standing up from the bed.

“Hey what happened to being nice to each other?” Jake questioned catching up behind you and giving a small smack to your bare ass.

”you’re right..my apologies, good sir” you mocked.

”you little..” Jake murmured following you into the bathroom. He watched you bend over and turn the shower on. You stopped in front of the sink while you let it warm up, you looked at your reflection for the first time in hours and boy did you look rough. Your hair was all tussled from Jake's grip, your mascara had smeared under your eyes from either the nap or the crying, you honestly didn’t know.

Your eyes trailed over to Jake leaning against the door, unclad, staring at you as if you had hung the moon even amidst the disarray.

“I look crazy.” You giggled wiping the mascara under your eyes. Jake came up from behind and wrapped his arms around your waist before resting a kiss to the back of your head.

”never looked better.” He smiled before pulling back. You turned and pecked him on the lips before yawning.

”Okay let's hop in, I’m getting tired.” You say opening the shower door and stepping in, the long-haired boy following suit.

You let the warm water soothe your exhausted body. You had your back facing the shower head as you leaned your head back to wet your hair. Jake moved closer in front of you helping you soak your hair. You sighed in contentment as you leaned into his touch.

”I love you.” you whispered.

”I love you more, princess.” He said picking up the shampoo bottle and gesturing for you guys to switch spots. Jake allowed the stream to flow down his back, wetting his hair as he lathered shampoo onto yours. He helped you rinse your hair out before you returned the favor shortly thereafter.

The rest of the shower consisted of pretty much that, gentle touches and soft words of adoration exchanged. It was sweet and intimate and everything you could have ever hoped for to end a night like this.

You turned off the water and stepped out to dry yourself off. You wrapped a towel in your hair and started on your night routine. Jake quickly dried his hair with a towel before hanging it up and sifting through your drawers for something to wear.

“I have some boxers I wear as pj shorts if you wanna use those.” You offered rubbing in your lotion.

”where are they? He called back.

”pajama pant drawer.. top left” you said, finishing off the last few steps of your skin care.

“Found them.” He said pulling them out and sliding them on. You slipped into an old t-shirt and some underwear for the night, unwrapping the towel from your hair and hanging it back up. Jake made his way to lay down before you stopped him.

”Wait, don’t lay down yet. I have to clean up or else I can’t sleep.” You giggled.

”righttt, forgot about that.” He smiled to himself. He took a seat on your vanity chair watching as you mindlessly wandered about the room picking up the discarded clothes from earlier and putting all your nick nacks in their designated places. Jake couldn’t help himself from the wide smile that broke on his face upon seeing you so candidly.

The domesticity was enamoring, almost as if you guys were playing house. Jake’s favorite girl cleaning up before bed, freshly showered and eager to lay with him afterwards just as much as he is. He wanted this for the rest of his life.

You adjusted the sheets and fluffed the last pillow before exhaling an accomplished sigh and patting the bed for him to lay.

”Come lay, I'm just gonna turn off the lights and make sure the door is locked.” You say before retreating out of your bedroom.

Jake made himself comfortable in your bed as he patiently waited for you to return, he was over the moon. He never thought he’d have you like this and he couldn’t believe he was stupid enough to almost fuck everything up. He was incredibly thankful to have you by his side, it had become painfully obvious to Jake that there was no one else for him aside from you. You returned with two ice cold water bottles, handing one of them to Jake.

”thank you sunshine.” He murmured, pulling a hand from under the sheets to accept it. He cracked open the cap and took a sip as you plugged your phone in and turned off the bedside lamp.

“C’mere baby” Jake said, pulling you into him by your waist.

You wrapped your legs around his own as you nuzzled your head in the crook of his neck. Jake hummed a quiet tune lulling you to sleep. The endorphins you must’ve been experiencing were at an all time high. After all the drinking, the sex, the warm shower, and jakes soft skin and sweet melodies, you were growing more tired by the minute. You let out a big yawn before Jake started scratching the back of your head.

”Go to sleep baby, you’ve had a long day.” He cood

”m’kay” you murmured, allowing your body to fully submit to the slumber. Jake closed his eyes, still keeping a hand on the back of your head to hold you close. He knew you were asleep the minute soft snores started tickling the base of his neck. He smiled to himself before eventually drifting into a blissful deep sleep.

————————————————————————————

You peered your eyes open at the morning light shining through the curtains into your bedroom. You let your eyes adjust to the brightness as you recalled the events of last night. Before you could think any further you heard the insufferable ringing of your phone.

It was josh calling to see if you were up and ready to pick up your car but you knew Jake would have no issue taking you so you told him you found a friend to take you.

You peered over to your side to find the bed completely empty aside from yourself. You laid a hand where you could’ve sworn Jake was just at, upon feeling the coldness of the sheets your heart sunk. Your mind ran a mile a minute at every possibility until you heard some shuffling out in your kitchen. You slipped the covers off of you before heading in that direction.

You turned the corner to see Jake putting what seemed to be the finishing touches on the surprise he had put together for you. Any and all of your worry had quickly washed away seeing his bright smile, waiting for you to come down.

”What is all this jakey?” You exclaimed, looking around as you walked over to give him a sweet peck on the lips.

”well i was gonna go wake you up but i see you’ve beat me to it.” Jake smiled down at you with a firm hand still on your waist.

The rush of relief from the worry you had felt just a few moments ago was incredibly refreshing. You looked around the kitchen table and saw a bouquet of your favorite flowers, some homemade breakfast, your morning cup of coffee curated to your exact taste because Jake wouldn’t dare to forget how you take it, and a handwritten note to which you had yet to figure out the contents of.

”dig in baby” he said, placing a kiss on the top of your head and reassuringly rubbing your side.

”all of this is for me?” You asked, almost in disbelief. You swiftly turned to look back at him for answers, it seemed pretty obvious but no one had ever taken the time to do this for you let alone after a hookup.

It took all of Jake's strength to prevent his knees from buckling upon seeing your bright doe eyes staring into his own, full of love and wonder. He thought you looked quite adorable in your t-shirt that was way too big for you, your hair all messy from sleeping with it wet, and your sweet morning face. Jake was having a hard time pulling himself away from you this morning, you looked so serene he wouldn’t dare to disturb that. He considered himself a very lucky man to have experienced you in such an intimate way.

Your reaction to his little surprise just solidified the question written in the note for you. You picked up a piece of bacon before offering some to him to which he politely declined.

”You're not gonna eat?” You pouted.

“I accidentally filled myself up, I snagged a few pieces of everything while making it.” He laughed.

”of course you did” you giggled along.

“Can i read this first, i wanna know already” you said, impatiently reaching for the note.

”By all means, sunshine.” he said, taking a seat on one of the chairs.

You shuffled closer to him before taking a seat on his lap. You slipped the last piece of bacon in your mouth before wiping your hands and opening up the letter. Jake wrapped an arm around your waist to hold you up and you could feel the pounding of his heart in his rib cage. You picked up on the sudden heavy breaths, Jake was anxious and for what? Your eyes began to scan the paper.

My sweet y/n.

You have graced me with a love I thought I would never have the privilege of experiencing. You have shown and taught me extreme kindness and immense humility and you dance through this life radiating the most enrapturing of lights. you are the feeling of finishing a puzzle, should you lamentably decide i am no longer worthy of your love it would equate to the most dismal of sun sets for you have been my guiding light. I am incredibly sorrowful that i have waited so long to come to terms with my undying love for you. I have put others before you when you have been the only plausible answer all along. I shall spend the rest of my days reminding you that i choose you, always.

I have fallen in love with you in ways incomprehensible to average man.I have loved you firstly as a friend and confidant and now I am most proud to say i get to love you as the partner you deserve.

It would be of greatest honor if you accept this offer.

my sunshine, will you be my girlfriend?

all my love, Jake.

P.s. Sam says he’s really sorry

You giggled at the last sentence as a subtle sob escaped into the trembling hand covering your mouth. The tears had quietly slipped past your ducts. You swivel your body to face him before abruptly kissing him.

”I'm guessing that’s a yes?’ Jake laughed, shining you the brightest smile.

“A million times yes” you said as the happy tears flowed. You attached your lips to his once more.

You were elated to say the least, if you would have told your 17 year old self that you would be sitting in your kitchen after sleeping with the man you were hopelessly in love with, accepting to be his lover, you wouldn’t have believed it. Alas, you sat there clinging on to the long haired man as if he would slip from your grasps at any moment. You pulled back to slightly catch your breath as you both got lost within the others gaze.

“I love you, sweet lady” Jake cooed.

“I love you more” you replied pecking his lips once more.

Although you may have been a bit dramatic in leaving after hearing he was with someone else, you couldn’t have been more grateful for the outcome it has bestowed upon you both. If things hadn’t happened the way it did, would you have been compelled to confess your feelings or was the perfect nudge in the right direction.

When everything was seemingly crashing down around you as though some emotional landslide, the torn down rubble had paved way for a brand new journey. One to embark with a newfound freedom and irrevocable love.

You two stayed in the rest of the day enjoying the simplistic domesticity, enjoying some records and food together. As you stared at him cleaning up his dishes you realized there isn’t anyone else you would rather spend the rest of your life with.

Turns out the child within your heart can rise above.

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Thoughts???!!! How is everybody? Thank you guys again!

[gretavanbrie]

Landslide // part two (J.T.K.)

Summary: You’ve loved him for as long as you can remember, does he feel the same?

Pairings: Jake Kiszka x F!Reader

Warnings: angst, established friendship, heavy alcohol consumption, mentions of alcohol consumption, feelings of heartbreak, sadness, yelling, arguing, feelings of unrequited love, very brief feelings of abandonment, asshole jake in the beginning. If I missed any lmk!! (Vaguely proof read, excuse any mistakes)

A/N: SORRY FOR MAKING YOU WAIT SO LONG!!! Due to tumblrs weird limit I have to split up the 2nd part in two so there will be a 3rd part that will be up by the time this one is. I truly have no excuse for the delay other than I wanted this to meet everybody’s expectations and I didn’t know how to properly execute all my ideas for the second part of this little mini series. I thank you all for such kindness and patience regarding landslides part two. Alas, here it is!!

Also: it starts off with more of jakes perspective on the blow out and then will slowly transition into the present time. Hope you guys enjoy!

Part 1

“..I started seeing someone from our crew…i really like her y/n”

Jake saw the hope leave your eyes the minute he said it. The sparkle he desperately loved now incredibly dimmed and your hands no longer holding his own, suddenly his confidence on the matter seemed to waver.

Jake always brushed off Josh's advances on getting him to make a move on you, dismissing it as his twins way of meddling and trying to stir the pot. How is he meant to explain the way your lips no longer smiled with your eyes?

Any other person wouldn’t have noticed the sudden hitch of breath for it was so discreet, but of course Jake did. He’s studied your person as if he wanted to become fluent in the language of you, so to say. He’s spent so much time with you over the years all of your habits had become second nature to him. Except there was one thing about you he could never read and you made sure of it.

He still knew you all too well and even if it was for a millisecond he noticed the missed beat in your response, he saw the barely-there glossiness coating his favorite irises and quickly blinked away despite the wide smile still on your face.

The average person would easily be fooled but your entire energy shift was almost spelled out in bold letters in front of him. Jake had started to question if he really was making the right decision.

Since about the 7th grade you had Jake completely enamored, unbeknownst to you. At first it was nothing more than a prepubescent school crush, no more than quiet stolen glances and bad attempts at flirting that had gone unnoticed. When highschool came around he realized girls found him attractive, and like any other teenage boy would do, Jake milked it. He stopped being hyper-focused on you and channeled that energy elsewhere.

You were so adamant on making sure he never got any idea of you seeing him in any romantic light, he genuinely believed it would never happen and realized maybe it was stupid pre-teen boy hormones convincing him he felt more for you than what he did and eventually forgot about his feelings for you all in all.

By the end of junior year your family took a vacation for the summer. You came back for senior year with a different aura to you, you had bloomed beautifully so to say. In simple terms, puberty hit you like a truck. The new effect you had on him scared Jake, he decided it was then easier to have you solely as his friend than trying to decode the rush of dopamine he gets just looking at you. Much like yourself, he denied any and all attraction.

Now as you sat across from him inconspicuously heartbroken, his entire perception shifted. He thought he was crazy when you clutched onto the lapel of his coat so desperately when he held you. His mind went hazy in the moment, almost drunk off the close proximity. He hadn’t thought about you in that light in years. Squashed any attraction into the abyss of his soul never to be thought of again.

Seeing you after the extensive tour, reignited the spark. You threw him off his game, he was so certain he had gotten over you and that Laura was the correct path for him but the way you looked into his eyes made him want to drop everything for you right there.

He continued the conversation nonetheless before the overthinking consumed him whole, he was certain he wasn’t thinking clearly. He relentlessly repeated to himself that you had solely seen him as a friend, there was just no way you were upset he was seeing someone. You were thirsty and dust flew in your eye or something, he made any and all excuses.

Once the conversation had come to a wrap and you hurried your way back inside to process the news. Jake too was in a frenzy, he was so sure of himself and his decision just about an hour ago.

Laura was in theory the perfect match, or so he thought. At first it was a casual hookup while he was on the road and as time went on he had grown to truly like her, he didn’t love her so to say but she definitely made him feel something he hadn’t felt in a long time and he romanticized her.

He hadn’t so much as thought about another because as much as he wouldn’t like to admit it, the thought of you had made a home within his head. Now that Jake was feeling something other than suppressed feelings for you, he wanted to hold on to that and convinced himself that was his fate.

Now that he sees there is even a slight possibility you do see him that way he feels like he’s fucked any and all chances, but do you? His brain couldn’t crack the code and he began to stress himself out.

On his way inside he ran into Josh.

“Hey did you see where y/n went? She ran off on me” Josh’s eyebrows perked up as his brothers words now privy to your hurried entrance from the patio.

“Ran off? Did you scare her off or something?” Josh joked unaware of the tension still rising in Jake’s shoulders.

“Very funny. No, I just finally told her about Laura.” Jake retaliated.

“Laura? What about Laura?” The eldest twin now confused.

“I made it official with her, I wanted to introduce y/n to her. You know.. have my best friend mingle with my girlfriend?” Josh’s eyes blew wide at the realization you were indeed not okay.

“When? This is the first I’m hearing of this. No offense but I thought it was casual for you guys..” Josh trailed off.

“Well I really like her, Josh. Why are you being so weird about it?” Jake asks, his insecurity on the decision now growing tenfold.

“Not being weird just…sudden is all. Can’t say I’ve seen her” Josh lied as he made his way to see just how much damage was done.

Now his own brother wasn’t even as enthused as he thought he’d be. It's not that Jake seeked validation from others regarding his life decisions but now that the two of the most important people in his life aren’t solidifying it, he’s succumbed to shameful overthinking.

He needed a drink to release some of the tension. Jake reached for the bottle of Jack as his phone buzzed. He poured a glass for himself before picking his phone up.

Message from: Laura

-Omw! See u soon baby.

Jake just shut his phone off and slipped it back in his pocket before taking a generous swig of the amber liquid.

The more he overthought the situation the more he found himself pouring more and more of that Tennessee whiskey into his glass. Eventually his step felt light and his vision incredibly disoriented. He put the bottle away as he realized he’s gotten ahead of himself and the alcohol in fact did not help but drove him to wrack his brain on the matter even more than before.

He saw the short blonde walk in from his peripheral and immediately greeted her.

As he leaned in to kiss her he got a whiff of her insufferably strong perfume, he had gotten so used to smelling yours since you got here that this almost made him nauseous. Even more so now that he’s realized maybe she isn’t what he wants.

“Your lips taste like whiskey sweetheart, drinking without me?” Laura laughed.

“Mmm, maybe a glass or two..pretty little blouse you got on” he slurred wrapping his arm around her waist pulling her in.

“Jake you’ve definitely had more than a glass or two, you’re getting a little excited honey” she giggled

“Just had a few refreshments on an empty stomach is all love..” he replied with his infamous cockney accent.

“I already told you not to do that accent Jakey, it's insufferable” Laura said before laughing it off and stepping away from him to grab a drink.

‘Y/n would have joked back in the same accent with me..' Jake thought to himself.

He quickly rid himself of the thought, why was even he thinking about you? The drunken logic now warping his train of thought, reminding himself that he thought nobody was truly happy for him in the moment.

Surely it was self projection, Jake had a newfound insecurity about his decision and outwardly projected his internalized fears onto both you and Josh. Assuming the reason you guys were so off with him was not because you had feelings for him as he previously thought, but instead it was because you guys were just simply unhappy for him.

Josh wasn’t excited, y/n certainly wasn’t matching his energy. In his mind, it somehow made sense.

Jake's head whipped around as he heard your voice come from the living room. Now was the moment he’s been dreading for the last 20 minutes, best to get it over with now.

“Come on babe, I want you to meet some of my friends” he said grabbing Laura’s hand in his and making his way into the living room as best he could given the liquor was catching up with him all too fast.

“Alright everyone, this is Laura. My beautiful girlfriend.” Jake slurred as he pressed a sloppy kiss to her cheek. Laura smiled wide at everyone and bid her hellos to those closest to her before her eyes landed on you.

She viewed you as competition. Much like Jake's past girlfriends, they saw how much he talked about you and more often than not gave him the ultimatum of them or you. No matter how much he swore you were just a really close friends Laura wasn’t buying it and wanted Jake all to herself.

Jake immediately searched for you. The minute his eyes met your own, a rush of warmth coated his chest. A bright smile flashed on his face as he forgot about his past worries momentarily upon seeing you look at him. He naturally gravitated towards you and motioned for Laura to come greet you to which she happily obliged.

“Y/n, Laura. Laura, y/n.. this lovely lady has been one of my best friends since elementary school” He introduces but Laura already knew this so Jakes formality made her itch with annoyance, she didn’t want to hear any more. She knew to be nice anyway because she saw how important you were to him and if she wanted him to stay with her she needed to get you to like her as well.

Your bright smile made her confidence waver as you rose to wrap her in a quick embrace. She internally grimaced at how kind you actually seemed. Of course Jake respected you, you had such a welcoming energy that Laura was beginning to envy. Even she was warming up.

“Oh my gosh! You’re y/n! I've heard so much about you, I love your dress” as much as Laura wanted to be selfish you really did look beautiful. She wasn’t expecting for you to be as nice as everybody had said.

“Thank you, you’re so kind. It’s a pleasure to meet you” you flashed her a smile as your cheeks warmed at the sentiment.

Laura wasn’t up for any more of the niceties with you. She had hoped there would be some confirmation to her negative preconceived notion about you, ultimately finding none. The only seemingly respectful way to end the conversation was to excuse herself to the bathroom.

Jake gestured a hand toward the couch behind you for the two of you to take a seat.

“Soooo what’d you think?” He says

“Short interaction, but she seems like a great girl Jakey. As long as you’re happy I’m happy.” You respond with a tight lipped smile, eyes avoiding his as you toy with loose strings on your dress.

Jakes head immediately swarmed with every negative thought he could muster. Your lackluster of a response had somehow been a confirmation to his idea of you not being truly happy for him.

“That's it? That's all you’re gonna say?” He asks a bit harsher than he had intended to. Jake immediately saw your brows slightly furrow and your eyes dim, his immediate regret quickly concealed by the whiskey fueling his fight.

“Well I don’t know what you want me to say…a-are you drunk right now?” You stumble over your words now anxious that this was all heating up faster than it should be.

“You could at least act a little more enthused for me. I mean do you even care at all?” Jake knew he was being dramatic, in his warped logic it was better to paint you the villain and play victim than to deal with his internalized feelings for you now resurfacing on top of the immense guilt he was already feeling. Foolishly not thinking of the potentially jeopardized friendship at hand.

“I’m sorry? I don’t know why you’re getting so upset with me. What do you want me to do Jake?”you say lowering your voice, scared others around you might catch wind of whatever this dispute seemed to be.

Jake knew he was being irrational and could no longer come to terms with it, resorting to walking away from it now that he realized he’s causing more damage than good.

“You know what…just forget it, you could at least act like you care.” Jake spat.

He harshly grabbed his drink from the corner table, leaving you behind in complete shock. Jake felt guilty the minute he grabbed his drink and left. He never blows up on you and didn’t know what had compelled him to speak to you like that. Sure you guys are mean to each other as a joke every now and again but this felt all too real.

You made your way to collect your things. Sam had been eavesdropping but could only catch Jake's end of the conversation, for you had made it a point to speak quietly. What he didn’t see was you and your teary-eyed escape. Sam however was just as drunk as Jake if not more and just wanted to be entertained with drama.

“Hey man, what happened?” Sam asks, stopping Jake in his tracks.

“Y/n is pissing me off, that’s what. Where’s Laura?” Jake says, eyes distant as he searches the area for the blonde.

"I can see that asshole, that's why I’m asking what happened.” He quips before continuing.

"You guys haven’t fought since like the 9th grade” Sam remarks.

“I’m not in the mood for your smart ass fucking comments Sam.. really fucking not.” Jake says, shaking his head. He takes a sip of his drink and attempts to walk away before Sam stops him once again.

“Dude just tell me what happened, i wanna know.” Sam prods again.

“I can just tell she’s not happy for me. I was excited to tell her about Laura and she just went all….. dry. Fucking got up and left when i confronted her about it."

“She left?? We just got back, there’s no way she would just leave.” Sam questions.

“Yeah. Well, she did.” Jake says, flashing the youngest kiszka a sarcastic smile.

He scoffs before continuing as he slowly starts to rile himself up again.

“…couldn’t even stick around, how immature.” seemingly forgetting your flee was a product of his harsh attitude.

“Thats fucked. If it helps, I’m happy for you dude… weird that she would just leave. Kinda selfish you don’t think?” Sam responds now just drunkenly wanting to instigate.

Sam's words were music to Jake’s ears, his mood instantly lifting hearing someone telling him what he wanted to hear. It wasn’t that nobody was in Jake's corner, in fact you and Josh both were incredibly happy for him no matter what. It was Jake refusing to come to terms with his emotions and essentially self-sabotaging.

However, hearing Sam call you selfish also made Jake's blood boil. To him you were far from selfish. You were giving and handled everything with the utmost humility. You were not only selfless to those close to you but to those you’ve just met. You danced through your life with grace and generosity and to hear someone undermine that, angered him. Yet, you were supposed to be the one he was upset with. The inner turmoil bubbling to the surface, ten fold.

“I mean, Laura aside… we’re her friends. Regardless of however y/n feels towards her she shouldn’t have just left. We’ve been gone for ages, she’s being petty.” Sam continued.

As much as Sam's words were striking a nerve in Jake as his immediate response normally would have been to defend you, right now he didn’t know how to feel.

Jake gave a quiet hum as he turned up with a lack of an answer on the matter.

The more sam starts to formulate his opinions on the only side of the story he’s gotten, the more it starts to genuinely irk him. His brother aside, he deemed you a best friend no less and felt like it was unfair.

“You know what? I’m gonna text her, she could’ve at least stayed for me or Daniel… heck even Josh!” He said waving his hand frantically, grabbing his phone.

“Boom, sent.” Although he didn’t mean for the message to come out so harsh, Sam was also belligerent and could no longer take anything seriously.

In his mind, this would blow over by tomorrow and you guys would laugh it off like always. Being friends so long, tiffs were bound to happen. Except unbeknownst to Sam, you and Jake have years of pent up turmoil you have yet to diffuse and he is only fueling the fire.

Jake sends a message too, but not in Sam’s drunken immature fashion. He had hurt his own feelings so much, the only convenient place he could point the finger at would be you. Opting to shut you out for the first time in over a decade.

Jake couldn’t decide if it was because he was genuinely mad at you or if it was because this whole situation had made his feelings all too real and he couldn’t bear to face them.

don’t even bother reaching out anymore.

——————————————————————

And that was the last you had heard from Jake in about a week.

You had granted him his wish.

Josh and Danny have called a couple times and everything was normal as far as you were concerned. Neither of the boys had made it awkward, you questioned if they even knew about the messages sent to you by Jake and Sam.

When you got home the night of the welcome party you were faced with immediate regret. You wracked your brain all night on where you went wrong and if you should’ve even left.

Was it the forced smiles?

Was it the choked back congratulations?

Had you not concealed your emotions well enough?

Were you being inconsiderate for leaving after waiting so long to see them?

It wasn’t that you were inherently unhappy for Jake, you genuinely wished the best for him. Internally you question if maybe you had been a bit insensitive but the more you wrack your brain on the matter the more everything starts to just not make sense.

Sam texting you made you all the more anxious. Drunken stupor or not he is a close friend of yours and for him to be mad at you, you must’ve offended him in some way as well. But how?

Your brain has gone a mile a minute since then. Your phone seemed to be in a permanent state of do not disturb. You’ve gone to work like normal, caught up with Ronnie before she went back home and you started to feel like things were semi-okay.

You had gotten so used to seeing a message from Jake everyday for the last almost-decade, it's been weird not hearing from him and you inevitably started to miss him. Although missing him only angered you because you were sure he doesn't miss you the same. You didn’t even want to feel sorry for yourself because how foolish of you to think your hot rockstar best friend is gonna be in love with you too?

Your romantic feelings aside, him being able to shut you out so easy honestly broke your heart even more than hearing he was with someone.

Argument aside, after this long of a friendship how could he cut you off that easily? Were you never that important? You would’ve been okay being his friend and forgetting about your feelings for him once and for all, you just didn’t know how to handle the news there and then and everything blew up in your face so fast.

If Jake didn’t want you to reach out, so be it.

You had come to terms with what Josh had reminded you of, you're 27 now and there was no more reason to sacrifice parts of yourself for the sake of making sure someone else is comfortable in your friendship. He is with someone now and you need to move on, the silent pining has grown old.

You thankfully set up a lunch date with Josh today and were grateful you could find a safe haven within the storm invading your mind. It made it easier knowing he knows just as much, if not more, than you on the situation. You had been deflecting that conversation with him but secretly knew he wasn’t going to stop trying until you told him more.

Josh knows something is up. Jake isn’t yapping about you everyday anymore, you haven't been making any plans with Jake since the tour ended. It’s deeper than Jake just catching an attitude with you. You weren’t one to wallow in your room for days when you were upset but you went into a minor hermit mode since then and it's raised a huge red flag for the older twin.

You sprayed some perfume as the final step in your getting ready process. You looked over your outfit in the mirror once more before grabbing your purse. You were going to your favorite cafe in Nash. It had bottomless mimosas for brunch every other week and with everything going on, you needed some casual day drinking with a friend.

You got situated in your car before heading downtown to meet with Josh. About 15 minutes into your drive, Landslide by Fleetwood Mac came up on your shuffle. You were fairly happy today but upon hearing the lyrics again with a different perspective, everything had easily begun to gloom over.

Oh, mirror in the sky

What is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

You fought the urge to turn it off because it was truly one of your favorite songs but everything reminded you of Jake recently and your sanity was slipping through the cracks. You were instantly brought back to your teenage self helplessly in love with your life-long friend.

Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’

‘Cause I’ve built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I’m getting older too

You unhesitatingly unplugged your phone from CarPlay. Stevie didn’t get a chance to finish her chorus before the silence in the car had engulfed you.

You fought back tears realizing how real that stupid song made everything. You couldn’t grasp why you were so emotional but you hadn’t realized just how much not talking to Jake had affected you. This change was new for you, life had always been pretty constant especially your friendship with him and you were having a hard time taking things for face value.

You got off the exit heading into town. Finding parking was fairly easy and you picked out a table for two knowing josh was gonna be late.

You took this time to recollect yourself and order a glass.

You waited for about 15 minutes before you saw the curly headed man’s eyes searching the establishment for you. Josh’s wide smile momentarily eased your nerves and you were glad to just spend time with one of your closest friends.

“Only 15 minutes! That’s gotta be a new record” you joked, poking fun at his infamous untimeliness as he found purchase in the seat in front of you.

“What do you mean? I would say I’m early” he feigned a confused expression checking the non-existent watch on his wrist. You couldn’t help but laugh at his nonsense while he waved down the waitress to order himself a glass.

“Bottomless mimosas huh?” Josh continued.

“Yeah, I haven't had a drink since…. well, you know.” you awkwardly laughed to make things light.

"Speaking of which, I didn’t want to ask you about it because i know it's a touchy subj—“

“No. I-i want to. I actually would really appreciate it if we talked about it.” You interrupted. You chose not to elaborate on the fact that the only reason you were in desperate need of talking about it was because you were not as calm about the situation as you had let on.

“Well alright then, lay it on me. Tell me your side, I’ve heard all there is to hear on his side but I refuse to even get into that right now.” He says.

“So he’s still talking about me?” You scoffed before continuing.

“It’s absurd to me that he can be so cold with me yet still bring me up to everyone else. We’re adults. Whatever I did I feel like he should’ve spoken to me about it by now..” you trail off, reaching for your glass.

"I think this may be deeper than the both of you want to accept.” Josh interjects.

“He’s not bringing it up constantly to everybody, but he's my brother so please just trust me on this. It’s deeper for both of you.” He continues.

“What does that even mean? Don’t go all cryptic on me Josh. He’s never spoken to me that way, I don’t know what I could’ve done. Was I really that inconsiderate? I mean if i was, i wanna apologize and talk it out. He’s my friend and I feel terrible that I’ve made it all about me and my feelings.” You rambled chugging the mimosa down.

“Y/n stop, you’re getting in your head again. You handled it well, Jake is just- he's being difficult. Stop blaming yourself, his actions making you feel unwelcome is not something to apologize for.” Josh tried to reason.

“You’re right but I was in the wrong too. I shouldn’t have left. I knew I shouldn’t have. The minute I walked out the door and got to my car I realized I was just overwhelmed with everything. I completely forgot it was a celebration for you guys. I apologized to Ronnie for leaving her in the dust and I wanna do the same for you guys as well, you can refuse all you want but I know in my heart I should have been there for you regardless.” You say trying to hold back the tears. You were almost done with your second glass and the champagne has definitely gotten to your head.

“…and then when him and Sam texted me i just felt awful, so I’m really sorry josh” you continue.

“Wait what?” Josh asks, now with genuine confusion stitched into his eyebrows.

“What?” You ask retreating into yourself, the feeling like you said something you weren’t supposed to had lodged its way in your brain.

“They texted you? What did they say??” He prods.

Jake and Sam hadn’t mentioned a word to Josh about the messages they had sent you. They knew better, they were well aware they were immature for doing so and didn’t want josh’s big brother patronization on top of it all. Jake more so than Sam, Sam didn’t think the argument was that deep and thought you'd take it lightly.

“You didn’t know?” You asked, now matching his bewildered expression.

“Of course not, now I have so many questions. I want you to tell me everything beginning to end. This is absolutely insane to me.” He says waving his hand and sitting back making himself comfortable.

“Okay well, he breaks the news.. I congratulated him and said i was happy for him. I thought i had held myself together pretty well then but I knew i would crack sooner than later so i had to excuse myself. I made a beeline for the bathroom to try and recompose before meeting her and i thought maybe it was the whiskey, you know how he gets on whiskey..” you said making a suggestive eye.

You and the rest of your friends were well aware the amber liquid made Jake easily irritable, to say the least, if consumed in large quantities.

“…but I’ve seen him with one too many whiskey cokes and even then he still would never do that. Anyway, I’m rambling. In short, I greet her, we exchange compliments, everything was fine and then she excuses herself for the bathroom mid-convo and he asks me what I think. I just said she seems like a great girl and I’m happy for him. I mean what the fuck else was I supposed to say? She literally left before I could have a real conversation with her and he just blew up on me saying I wasn’t actually happy for him and I could… and I quote, ‘at least act like I care’” you say with finger air quotes before finishing your glass and starting on your third.

Josh just stares at you for a moment before his jaw drops.

“What the fuck? So where does the text come into play?"

“Right, so once I get to my car and I think about going back inside I get a text from Sam first…saying this” you say before pulling up the messages and showing Josh the screen. His eyes scan over the message for a brief second.

“some friend? He’s one to fucking talk. He was drunk and glued to his friends the entire night, I think he just wanted to instigate. What about jake? I wanna hear what he had to say” you saw josh getting riled up but the reminder of Jake's message brought everything back to reality and the influx of emotions mixed with the alcohol did you no favors.

“…he um, he said not to bother reaching out.” you said voice small, eyes avoiding his own as you shut your phone off not even bothering to open his chat up again.

You saw his energy shift and although Josh is pretty composed and patient around you, you could see that it struck a nerve in him. He knew it was completely ridiculous and Jake was just deflecting and running from his feelings. Josh saw right through everything and the fact that Jake had failed to mention this to him, only angered him more.

“It’s okay.. really. I understand, he was probably excited to share the news and I honestly was acting a bit dry with him. But also what was I supposed to say? ‘hey I’m upset because I’ve been in love with you since senior year of high school but you don’t feel the same way’ like no.. obviously not. It would ruin everything…..I don’t know I'm just conflicted josh.” you say putting your head in your hands for a moment.

The liquor was catching up with you faster than anticipated on an empty stomach.

“Bullshit. Stop making excuses for him, you know its fucked up regardless. He can be upset with you for whatever reason but to completely shut you out like that? No wonder you guys haven’t hashed it out yet. I knew this was running on too long.” He says, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms.

You just shrugged before taking another sip of your drink.

“Listen, once he's ready he can reach out. But i'm gonna start putting myself first, if he doesn’t wanna talk? Fine by me.” You shrug.

“Let's ditch that topic for now. It's just starting to piss me off more, how is everything for you though?” You ask.

“It’s alright, we’re just getting prepped for some festivals that we have coming up but i'm excited for this down time. Been a while since I could come have lunch dates with my best friend.” Josh said, playfully winking.

“I knowww, i'm so excited you’re back. Jake and i had been talking about—“ you cut yourself off realizing the plans you and Jake had made may now never follow through. You guys had talked endlessly about catching up on all the missed plans and hangouts with everybody but the thought of it only saddened you.

“.. nevermind” you laughed, taking a sip of your glass in an attempt to ease the tension.

Josh gave you a sympathetic smile before changing the subject and continuing conversation as normal.

—————————————————————

Before you realized it, three hours had passed and it was already the late afternoon. You were seven mimosas deep and there was no shot at you driving yourself home.

“Josh? I think im a little drunk” you giggled leaning your head on your hands.

“Can I Venmo you for brunch?” You question.

“You think? That thousand yard stare is a dead give away. Don’t worry about it, i got it mama”

“Awww you're paying for me? That is just so nice” you tease pressing a hand to your chest. Josh laughs at your drunken candor.

“Shut up and give me your keys, I'm driving you home after I pay this bill. Finish the glass you have now and we’re going” he laughs trying not to entertain your drunken behavior.

“Hey… i'll shut up when i want to” you mumbled to yourself before handing your keys to him.

“You only had half a mimosa you weirdo” you joke as you both gather your things, some more efficiently than others.

“I saw how fast you were going through those, someone had to be sober to drive you home. You’re a lightweight.” He said with a pointed look.

"…touché’’ you say, squinting your eyes at him playfully.

Josh opens his car door for you and you try and climb up in his Jeep as gracefully as you could. The minute he shuts the door you realize you're a lot drunker than what you thought you were. You don’t drink often and certainly not to cope with heavy emotions but it honestly felt quite nice to feel the weight lift off your shoulders momentarily.

Josh hops in and starts his car up, your head was spinning and you couldn’t help but giggle to yourself.

“What's so funny?”

“Nothing, I just think it's silly I let myself get so drunk from mimosas..my head is literally spinning” which somehow made you laugh harder.

A genuine cackle had bubbled out of your chest as happy tears pooled at the corner of your eyes and Josh was happy to hear it.

You’d been blue since the fallout and even if it was just a case of the drunken giggles, seeing your happiness shine during the golden hour of the day only made his heart warm.

“Okay i just laughed so hard it made my head hurt…” you said calming down and rubbing at your temples.

“Whewww sorry, that gave me a good giggle” you said laughing again. You have a bad habit of rambling and it's only worse when you're drunk. You can talk about any and everything under the sun and Josh was mentally preparing himself for the word vomit, to which it never came. Instead he was hit with a sudden mood swing.

“You know… this is really stupid” you say, leaning your head back and closing your eyes.

“I shouldn’t miss him so much josh..” you open your eyes as it only made the spins worse and looked down fumbling with your hands.

Josh stayed quiet allowing you to get everything out, the minute you weren’t spewing nonsense at him gave him a clue that this was hurting you more than you let on.

You don’t know where it had all come from but everything was suddenly incredibly sentimental and you were fighting back the urge to cry. You knew it was just the champagne talking, but was it? Or did it just make you feel what you’ve been suppressing all week?

You sniffled which immediately alerted josh.

“You were just laughing.. what happened?” Josh laughed at your sudden mood switch. You couldn’t help but laugh too at the randomness.

“Ugh I don’t know man” you cry-laughed wiping the tears

“… do you wanna talk about it?” He said trying not to pry but still wanted to let you know he was here to listen.

“not really, i haven't fully processed it and I don’t wanna talk about it until all my ducks are in a row” you chuckled before dozing off for the remainder of the drive.

“You’ve kept your feelings a secret for a long time little one, just making sure youre okay.”

”I'm feeling…exquisite” you slurred.

Josh just gave a slight hum before chuckling and turning down the radio a bit to let you get shut eye.

———————————————————————

You stirred awake as Josh lightly shook you.

“We’re at your house, wake up” he said.

You gathered your purse and shoes before hopping out of his truck and stumbling your way inside. Your keys were nowhere to be found in your bag and you frustratingly turned around at the eldest kiszka.

“Where are my keys? I want these jeans off of me already” you said tucking the hair that fell in your face behind your ear.

“Hold your horses little one, I have them because someone’s belligerent.” Josh said, raising his eyebrows at you.

“I’m too drunk to drive, not enough to where I can’t unlock my own door” you said matter-of-factly.

“Yea yea, whatever here you go” he said, dangling the keys in front of you.

“What am i gonna do about my car” you whined as you barely made it past your home's threshold. You plopped down on your couch face down, all the movement was starting to make you nauseous.

“Woah..i feel like i'm getting drunker by the minute, i thought i'd sober up by now” you said sitting up from your position and rubbing at your temples.

“Here, i got you some water. I'll take you tomorrow morning to pick it up.. sound good?” You nodded as Josh handed you the bottle. You uncapped the lid and took a few sips. You hadn’t eaten or drank anything all day except for one piece of complimentary bread and seven and a half mimosas…

Josh was surprised you were still able to stand yourself up given how much of a lightweight you are. You had gotten so wrapped up in conversation with him you completely forgot to order food.

“I'll be right back” you hear him disappear into the kitchen as you sink back into your couch.

Your head was spinning. It was almost humorous. Like the thought of Jake had been swarming your thoughts and now ironically manifested in a physical sense.

You missed him even though your pride didn’t want to let you admit it. It wasn’t even about him being with Laura anymore. You were content and happy with him as a friend. Time heals all wounds and you were bound to get over the silly heartbreak but having none of Jake at all was almost tortuous.

Your head shot up as you heard a ping sound from your phone.

“Is it jake?” You perked up.

Josh’s eyes saddened at the thought of you expecting a message from him. You both know how stubborn Jake can get and the fact you still have hope just made him more upset with his brother. He picked up the phone checking the screen realizing it was just one of your friends from work.

“No, sorry…. just Liz.” he said sympathetically, handing you your phone.

“Oh.. okay” you said, trying your best to not make it seem like you were disappointed.

"I’m gonna go change and try to make some food, you're welcome to stay Joshy. Help yourself” you said gesturing to the kitchen as you made your way to your bedroom.

“I already made you a sandwich. It’s in the kitchen on a plate for you. I told some friends I’d join them. Are you gonna be okay?” He says as you turn around to face him.

“Ugh traitor, I’ll be fine i guesss. Thanks for the food” you joked as you gave him a hug goodbye. You heard a chuckle bubble from his chest.

“I'll call you in the morning, answer and be ready” josh says, pointing a stern finger at you as he makes his way to your front door.

“I will! Love you long time” you gave him a tight lipped smile as he opened the door to make his way out.

“Love you!” You heard him shout before the sound of the door shutting had echoed through your home.

You stumbled back towards your bedroom and popped a couple Advils before making your way to your closet to change into comfier clothes. You didn’t bother taking off your makeup just yet and decided to leave your hair down, you didn’t have the energy to bother with it.

Your stomach rumbling only grew stronger as you were mentally occupied with the absence of your life-long friend. You knew you should go and eat but you had busied yourself with the incessant thoughts of that one night.

Deciding you needed a momentary distraction from the thoughts that had occupied your brain all week, your stomach growls at you from the thought of Josh’s sandwich.

‘Even if he’s mad at me I should still apologize, be the bigger person' you think to yourself as you turn the corner to your kitchen.

Sober you knows better and is too stubborn to cave in first, but drunk you is only occupied with the chest-burning thought of how much you love him and wanting this to be resolved as quickly as possible.

You look at the plate and see Josh made the sandwich Jake usually makes you. Your eyes tear up and your throat burns at the thought.

On one hand it was so sweet of Josh to bring you some comfort given the sudden change but it was also not the same because it wasn’t coming from who you selfishly wanted it to. You take a bite as the tears fall silently.

No expression on your face, just a dead stare as you eat and the tears quietly slip from your ducts.

You hadn’t allowed yourself to truly feel all week. You had occupied yourself with mundane tasks at home and work was a big help with distracting yourself.

Anything to not be focused on where things went wrong.

Now that you had gotten ahead of yourself with the mimosas, everything you had bottled up was starting to spill over the edge and your composure slowly slipping through the cracks.

You poured yourself a final drink for the night, opting for a sweet red wine to take the edge off. There was only a little more than a glass left in your wine bottle, no better time than today to finish it rather than right before you have to start going back to work. You had the entire weekend to recover from the inevitable hangover bound to plague you in the morning.

You made your way into the living room and over to your record player. You sifted through your shelf of vinyls before settling on CSN&Y’s ‘So Far’. You let it play for a little as you burned an incense and nursed your final glass of your favorite wine.

You hear the familiar chords of Helplessly Hoping begin to play and coincidentally all the wine had rushed to your blood. You were considerably drunk and this was very unlike you. You decided to not even finish the glass, you felt guilty almost. Like you were unhealthily coping. Your vision became disoriented and everything felt hazy.

Happy wine drunk is one thing but being sad wine drunk did you no favors, especially given the song traveling throughout your home. The only thing finding purchase in your clouded mind was Jake and Jake only.

You mindlessly picked up your phone, opening up your last conversation with him. You longingly stared at his contact picture of the both of you. It was an old photo Karen had sent you of when you guys were about 11 at their annual 4th of July barbecue.

“Come on kids, get in the dang picture!” Karen tried to reason with the 5 of you but you guys were too occupied with the fact that Sam wasn't giving the ball back.

As Karen tried rounding up Josh Sam and Ronnie for the picture, you pulled Jake aside and convinced him to get in the picture for his mom. Karen noticed the two of you ready and decided to snap one of just the two of you.

“Aww how sweet, the two of you together..” she said pointing her camera at the two of you.

“Come on mom just take the picture” Jake whined ready to get back to his game with his brothers.

“Fine fine, i'll get all five of you later… scooch in closer Jacob” She said gesturing with her hand.

“What, like this?” Jake remarks, laughing as he aggressively squishes his face against your own. You laugh at his sarcasm, as does he. Karen snapped the picture of your two wide smiles smooshed together in your red white and blue attire.

You smiled at the memory and without a second thought you clicked the call button as the memory had clouded all logic. All you wanted in the moment was to talk to your best friend again.

You heard it ring once, then twice, then declined.

A sob escaped past your lips as you heard his automated voice message saying he’ll call back, ironic given he probably won’t.

You left a message regardless. Liquid courage or not, at least you did your part.

“Hey Jake, im probably gonna regret this in the morning” you sadly laughed. You let out a big sigh before continuing.

“..but it's been over a week, we’ve never gone that long without talking.. I didn’t think I’d lose you entirely” you paused for a moment as you were getting tongue-tied and your voice was slowly giving up as you fought back tears.

“I know you said to not bother reaching out but you mean so much to me, more than you know a-and I can’t just do that" you slurred as you plopped down on the couch.

“Anyway… take all the time you need. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for whatever I said.. or did. I'm ready to talk about it whenever you are..” you said trailing off.

“Just call me back i guess…o-or maybe don—“ you were cut off by the teleprompter letting you know the message was too long and you angrily pressed the hang up button before laying down and drifting off on your couch.

The spins were becoming overbearing and you didn’t want to think about how mad you were gonna be at yourself in the morning.

————————————————————

Jake saw your call.

He saw the notification saying you had left a voicemail.

He couldn’t bring himself to pick up or even listen to what you had to say. He feared that if he heard your voice after so long he’d crack.

He was being prideful.

He regretted everything he said for it was completely out of character for him and the whiskey is no excuse. He knew it was a bad idea the minute he finished his first glass. His emotions were heightened and Jake's entire perception of his reality had shifted within 15 minutes. He couldn’t process everything and blew up on you.

"I thought you said you stopped talking to her baby?” Laura questioned as she sat next to him on the bed.

“I did.” Jake sighed.

“So.. why did I just see you decline her call? Why is she even calling you?” She chided.

“Hey, calm down. I genuinely don’t know, I'm just as confused as you are." He replied pulling her into his side.

“I already told you how I feel about her. I don’t think she’s good for you. She’s clearly not happy for us.. for you, jakey” Jake internally winced at your childhood nickname for him coming out of her mouth, he hated when people called him that unless it was you that was referring to him.

“She was being a bitch to me at the party, you saw.” She remarked, lying to make sure she got what she wanted.

“Wait, how? She ended up leaving..” Jake pulled back from her now confused.

“Oh. Well maybe you weren’t there but she just said something about how I wasn’t welcome within the circle” she blurted. Laura couldn’t come up with a good enough lie to paint you as the villain.

“That doesn’t sound like y/n, I mean I’ve seen her strongly dislike people and she still would never exclude anybody. She doesn’t like confrontation..” Jake said now even more perplexed.

“Are you defending her right now?” Laura sat up defensive.

“N-no im just saying it’s not like her to say th—"

“Stop making excuses for her! She clearly isn't happy for you Jake! Her whole kindness thing is some lame act to get people to like her. She’s just some boring plain Jane that wants you to herself. Why can’t you get that through your head?!” She continued.

Laura’s facade now slowly melting away, something sparked in Jake.

He hated when people spoke ill of you, especially when people undermine you no matter if he was upset with you or not.

There was so much more to you than the surface showed.

You weren’t boring, you certainly would never go out of your way to make someone feel unwelcome. You were kind to a fault but still had a crazy fire that burned within you, unlike others you kept your flame contained. You were incredibly emotionally mature and it was silly for Jake to ever think you could be unhappy for him.

“Get out.”

“W-what?” Laura says shocked.

“I don’t want to argue with you on this, no matter what she and I are going through, she's been a close friend of my family since fucking elementary school and I think it's incredibly distasteful that you feel so comfortable bad mouthing her when you barely know her. Doesn’t matter what i feel, she’s still Josh’s friend, Sam’s, Danny’s.. my fucking parents” Jake said counting off on his fingers.

He didn’t know what had overcome him but he realized how big of a mistake he made thinking Laura was the one. How easy it was for her to speak ill of someone that was practically family to his own just showed Laura’s true character.

He stared at her gobsmacked expression for a moment before driving in the last dagger to seal it all.

“Matter of fact, I think this was a mistake.” He finishes getting up from the bed and opening the bedroom door.

“You’re seriously gonna break up with me over some girl? You even said yourself that she doesn’t care and you’re defending her?”

“Oh for fucks sake i was mad and drunk, i was just pissing myself off and pointed the finger at her. It was wrong of me, yes, but also none of your fucking business. I will reap what I sow on my own and I will certainly not have you speak ill of her because of my wrong doings.” Jake says as she stands up and collects her things.

“Fucking pathetic.” She spits pushing past him and fleeing down the stairs.

Jake hears the door slam shut.

What the fuck?

Jake starts to wonder if he dodged a bullet, the way she reacted to you being brought up just seemed so odd. Like the thought of you triggered her and Jake didn’t like that.

He held you close in his heart, as did his family, and he expects people to treat you with the same respect. Then again, how respectful has he been? Hearing Laura speak about you and try to lie about you just made him feel so guilty.

He couldn’t just man up and accept the fact that he loves you, he feels he's ruined everything.

His head perks up remembering you called him. He rushed downstairs to lock his door and immediately came back up to pick up his phone staring at the missed call from ‘Sunshine’.

Jake hesitantly tapped the play button on the voicemail putting it on speaker. Upon hearing your voice his wall broke. You made him weak in the knees. He listened for a little longer realizing you were drunk.

Is she alone?

Is she okay?

Why is she drunk?

He silently cursed himself for even going this long without talking to you. The only reason he was semi-okay in your absence was because josh and Danny would bring you up occasionally so he at least knew you were safe.

Jake was now even more pissed at himself for even letting things get this far between you guys.

‘I know you said to not bother reaching out but you mean so much to me, more than you know..'

Jakes ears started ringing, hearing you say he means something to you made his love for you just buzz even stronger within him.

He fucked up.

Aside from his romantic feelings, you were his best friend and he couldn’t believe he just shut you out.

He could hear the hurt in your voice and regretted everything he said. Even if he was getting in his head that wasn't your responsibility and he shouldn’t have pointed the finger at you just to make himself feel temporarily better.

’…I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for whatever I said.. or did. I'm ready to talk about it whenever you are..'

Jake couldn’t listen any further, the sound of your voice cracking during your apology saddened him. You had nothing to apologize for and he hated that he made you feel like you did. He needed to make things right.

He immediately called back and upon receiving no answer, he panicked. Every bad possibility was running through his head a mile a minute. He didn’t hesitate to throw on a shirt and grab his keys.

Jake had never rushed to your house so fast in his life. It was like a grand awakening for him. He vowed to do right by you and ultimately failed you. Hearing you so upset over his absence completely broke him.

Jake was having a hard time collecting his thoughts over this. Deep down he knew Laura was just a distraction from his feelings for you and instead of accepting the fact that he only had eyes for you, he villainized you.

Somehow having a reason to be angry with you only made it easier to shy away from the head high he gets just being around you. Your scent, the way your expression softens upon his gaze without fail, the way your hair perfectly frames your face, how you smile with your eyes and your nose scrunches when you laugh.

He was foolish to not realize these aren’t just things he notices you do, these are things that made him fall in love with you and he had been so incredibly ignorant to not realize earlier.

He pulled into your driveway and almost forgot to turn off his car from how much of a hurry he was to get to you. Jake wasted no time banging on the door.

You were startled from your slumber from the loud knocking coming from your front door, you stood up too fast and your vision went hazy. You completely forgot about your day drinking and the wine glass that had sent you over the edge until you almost lost your balance.

“Hold on! I'm coming!!” You shouted assuming it was Josh coming back to bother you. The incessant knocking never ceased until you stumbled over and swung the door open.

Your heart dropped to your stomach as you were face to face with the man who had left you in the dark for almost two weeks.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” you said softly, staring as his chest heaved up and down.

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Part 3

Taglist:

@takenbythemadness @jjwasneverhere @gvfvanfleet @alwaysonthemend @edgingthedarkness @vanfleeter @m0uthfl13s @sparrowofrhiannon @love-isnt-greed @mohralistic @sinarainbows @gretnabancheese @kiszkaaa @napcoinv @citydovebaby @musicspeaks @dont-go-home-without-me @iheartjakekiszka @notjordie-gvf @fallen-from-venus @sydneeelyse @journeytothecenterofattenti-blog @starcatcher-jake @gretavankleep37 @starshine-gvf @violetstarcatcher @wildbluesorbit @imleavingyoufornewyork @dennys-employee @lizzys-sunflower @jessicafg03 @gretavansstuff @heckingfrick @thechurchofgvf-admin @fkfearandliveyourlegend @kiszkas-canvas @chlop94 @jakekiszkapunchmeintheface @gvfpal @whollyfree @gvfvanfleet @anythingforjtk @elkenenvy @gvfmarge @texas-bbq-pringles @iamasimpandnotproud

[gretavanbrie]

I lied, landslide will be 3 parts. Dropping both of them as we speak.

Stay tuned!

Update: part 2 and 3 out now!!!!

[gretavanbrie]

You don’t even understand how ready I am for part 2 of Landslide! Your writing is incredible you got me so invested!

Im so glad!! Sorry for the delay, the goal is to still have it out by tonight i just had last minute errands to run and the ending got cut a bit short.

Im also on pacific time so my east coasters im sorry but it might be a little late by the time I release it

Thanks for all the patience!

[gretavanbrie]

Is part 2 going to be the last part?

Yes BUT she’s got about a 20k word count rn, so hopefully she will do you guys a little justice considering it’s taken me so long to release it.

It also may or may not be posted tomorrow Friday the 19th 🫡

Im just gonna leave it at that, hugs and kisses!

[gretavanbrie]

Can I be added to the taglist for landslide

If you wanna be added in the LANDSLIDE PART TWO taglist interact with this post!!!

I’m still new to the whole taglist thing so I’m assuming I just save all your handles in a folder and type it in at the end so that’s what I’m gonna do lol.

Like, comment, idk you could also inbox me??

I’ll try my best to make an actual taglist for part two!

[gretavanbrie]

is part 2 going to be out any time soon?

Yes it is!! I’m working on finishing it right now but since I’ve decided to just make the last part be an extra long part two how I normally do, it’s taken a lot longer than I realized. I over explain unnecessary things and that leads to a lot of editing and revising and I want to make this as enjoyable as possible since it’s taken me so long. The holiday season at my job is always a bit tricky and I get unmotivated easily if I’m burned out so I apologize that it’s taken the new year to motivate me lmfaooo.

I also want part two to do part one justice since I see you guys liked it so much. I have a hard time thinking my work is actually good and i psych myself out. I don’t think there’s ever enough ifykwim lol

My goal is to have it done by Friday and posted on Saturday but with the rate I’m currently going at it might be finished by tonight and up tomorrow🫡

Take that as you please, thank you for the utmost patience I know it’s annoying having to wait so long. My apologies 🫶🏼

[gretavanbrie]

when is part 2 of landslide gonna be outttt? it's soooo good already! been stalking your page every few days. 😭

Landslide pt.2 coming soon…

the girlies have been asking so they shall receive(obnoxiously late)!!!!

Sorry for the hold up ☝🏼

There’s really no excuse I just had really bad writers block and didn’t know how to execute all of my ideas and then..boom! a month goes by and that made me even more anxious because I was making you guys wait and I know I hate waiting….anyways. I digress.

Here she comes, be prepared!!!