#and now I have STIMULI
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Just watched 'Dead Boy Detectives' and am painfully reminded of how desperately I NEED to be an Edwardian ghost
#dead boy detectives#i've now become obsessed with this show thank you Neil Gaiman for co-producing yet ANOTHER show for the gays theys and autistics#but i'm being serious when I say that I aspire to be an olden day ghost#even when I was younger I said that I wanted to give off the impression of a Victorian ghost#and now I have STIMULI#but I loved everything about the show. Give me 4 fucked up misfits who miraculously band together to perform the upmost tomfoolery ever#and bridge the realms between the dead the living and the serving#PLEASE watch so that we can get a season two !!#dead boy detective agency#the dead boy detectives#edwin payne#charles rowland#crystal palace#niko sasaki#and JENNNYYYY
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You know at first I didn't believe it when fiber artists on tumblr would tell me to be wary of the fiber art slippery slope. And yet. I hear the siren call of the spindle. Fellow crafters help me resist. Tie me to the fucking mast. Please.
#fiber arts#crafts#craftblr#yarnblr#knitting#spinning#drop spindle#i can't start learning how to spin now i just can't#please i still live with my parents i have no storage space#it is the need for new stimuli#my enclosure is small but i yearn for enrichment#lisa says the things
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i have heart conditions so there’s about a 30% chance wearing over the ear/noise cancelling headphones will force me to listen to my loud-ass, way-too-fast heartbeat
#i HATE heartbeat sounds EWEWEWEW#sensory difficulties make me stressed and stress triggers palpitations.#wear headphones to dampen bad auditory stimuli#now have NEW bad auditory stimulus (my stupid fucking cardiac muscle)#anguish dot png#plum rambles#disability#heart palpitations#headphones#sensory issues
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just remembered my current phone has a radio app and the earbud wires act as an antenna... ahh, reminds me of my childhood before smartphones when my father would punish my life disrupting sleep issues by confiscating the power cable of my computer/unplug the Lan cable every evening (even going so far as straight up cutting off the power cable to my TV at one point when I'd watch TV all night until I could fall asleep) and I'd channel surf and listen to the radio on my dinky little Sony Erricson W395 all night while drawing until I was tired enough to pass out <3
all the music I discovered and all the horror radio plays I listened to over the years... :')
#looking back i've always had trouble with quieting my mind without outside stimuli huh#first it was the TV and books. then mostly the TV. then the computer and the TV. and now it's mostly the computer for yt videos and my phone#like if there's no video or music or some type of audio occupying my brain i go INSANE#same reason i need asmr. and have a tough time sleeping anywhere where there's no wifi/i can't access the audiovisual mind blast#if i'm alone with my mind undampened and unfiltered i go 1000% insane. no sleep. only cringe and worry and evil all night#and it has ALWAYS been this way even when i was a toddler. even without any type of electronics in my room#ANYWAY. RADIO MY BELOVED <3
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DAAAAAAAAAAAAX <3 <3 (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#DAX#ZEX#Hello I have been inconsolable ever since ZEX mentioned that he wished DAX were there so he wouldn't be the only VUX#It is a hideously addictive thought - DAX being there to support his Admiral - he certainly could use it!#Talana got pulled in from Zelnick's girlfriend's ''real'' counterpart - why not Dexter!! Hghgh#It sets my brain on fire (terribly affectionate)#I love DAX sm ;; I love ZEX sm! I love their dynamic sm ;;;;#He would've been such a comfort hhh my head is full of all these horrifically self-indulgent scenes of They ♥#Firstly of them meeting up with each other!! ZEX is very tactile haha <3 He needs the physical reassurance so bad haha ;u;#Not quite like twining arms but DAX won't recoil at least <3 Hugs good!#Can you tell that second one was a spacefiller lol#ZEX very well acquainted with crying now haha - at least it's for something positive! For once :')#Ugh imagining their little differences in approach is so fjdkslafdf - same stimuli different outcomes! I love them hgh#I like to imagine DAX just observing the showers with a distant annoyance-interest like ''What the heck is that'' lol#Very dissimilar from ZEX's Intense interest but not actually picking up any skills from the experience lol#But really it's just my secret desire for DAX to learn how to wash hair so he can corral his Admiral into taking care of his body haha#Two VUX would have a very different kind of scaffolding of learning how to get along! They'd both benefit from whatever one finds out!#Might keep ZEX just a teensy bit more on track of finding things out to report back and help DAX out hehe <3 Maybe possibly lol#Still wouldn't stop him from hitting on DAX hehehehe ♪ What's this? Someone he likes and trusts in a human form? Hmm :)#Hhhh they ;; Recreating the scene of Max coming onto Dex and then Dexter turning it around on him - not that they'd know#I'm fine this is fine I'm not crying or anything ;;;; Parallels are my favourites I can't stand this <3 <3#There's just so much to think about! And it's all so much to me!! ♥
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A hiatus, or semi-hiatus, of sorts.
Trigger warnings for cancer and parental death.
#My mother is dying.#Shes been in pain for quite a while#but everythings come to a head in the last few months because of developing cancer that we were completely blindsided by#and now its almost entirely too late#I dont know how much time I have with her. theres still that slim possibility that she could bounce back but it isnt looking that way.#what does this mean for me on here? well im not sure yet.#If youve been following for a really REALLY long time you'd know that i was around here when my father died back in 2017.#I cope with grief by distracting myself with outside stimuli and drawing.#because of the circumstances: this time is different#im not sure if i'll be on here at all or if ill be on here too much to not think about it. but eventually something will happen#and I'll need to give my attention to my family#im not posting this out to get pity or sympathy. I dont like to hear things like that. im posting this because there are#some people who i only talk to on tumblr#and I dont want to make people worry about me if I'm suddenly gone for months at a time (if this comes to pass)#if you've read this far. thank you.#personal
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It has only just dawned on me that I never said this out loud anywhere, so:
If I followed you but then unfollowed you or one of your side blogs, please don't take that personally! I still love you, we're still friends! I am just very easily overwhelmed, especially by visual images and frequent posting. Usually I unfollow because my vision fatigue is being set off too much, which is not any sort of failing on your part, it's just how my crappy 1/10 of an eyeball (doesn't) work. The exact same thing happens when I try to shop for groceries. XD
#razz rambles#it disappoints me every time I have to unfollow someone because of this :(#just blind things#even when it's a blog for a fandom I'm very dedicated to I often have to unfollow cuz too much visual stimuli#I've had to leave many Discord servers for this as well :(#and I don't follow many artists anymore for the same reason#man going even more blind with age sucks sometimes#granted I had these problems before but had more energy to ignore them#now my brain is so riddled with problems that it refuses to cooperate with half my major senses XD
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I'm having an overstimulated sort of night and I swear, at times like this, I relate to Daniel wanting to go make his little models quietly until everything gets manageable again.
#i know we both be dealing with grief snd mental illness#but also jfc the bombardment of information and people and media stimuli is enough to make you wince#someone get daniel a pet to focus on at TG#i know he has his own collar but i feel like actually having a puppet or alpaca or whatever would help him while out alone#or if he had a cat like mine who thinks shes a dog#also now im wondering in the bed pile does Armand decide what night it is by picking out who's wearing their collar tonight#he wants to sub then he wants his etc
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I’m gonna be completely real with you. For the past couple of weeks I have been neck deep in the Ice Planet Barbarians series with no end in sight
#i don’t know what ms ruby dixon put in these books but it’s like crack to me#i think it’s the balance of predictability vs there being a journey#like i know these two are going to get together and be fated mates but i don’t know when or how it’s going to happen#and she keeps switching up the formula just enough that i’m not sure what exactly the vibe is going to be each time#i’m on maddie’s book and it might be my favourite so far just because of how dramatic the earthquake was#and i liked that SOMEONE finally asked if any of the men were getting it on with each other because i mean……#there’s two dozen hunters who thought they were NEVER going to get a mate and you’re telling me NONE of them fucked. suspicious#i also really liked when hassen was saying about how maddie throws stuff at people when she’s mad and then he says ‘now that is a woman’#like honestly. yeah. too many of these men have been like ‘oh i love my small delicate human mate :)’ and hassen is like#‘this fat bitch who screams at people? i want her. she’s mine’ because bro honestly that would be me#i’d either be ms ariana screaming and crying at any stimuli; maddie throwing stuff at people; or maybe a combo of the two#which i think is probably liz#what else do i have to say about this… i mean honestly i am a vektal apologist. the man needs a raise. he is dealing with TOO MUCH bullshit#and from too many people. whenever some guy pipes up like ‘my mate is pregnant i can’t do that’ i’d be like ‘man EVERYBODY is pregnant#read the fucking room’#i’m not saying i like vektal i’m just saying i understand him and i feel bad for him and i’m impressed that he hasn’t started killing#that’s about it. uh. i’m going to finish this one and then read the spinoffs before i proceed#personal#**not the spinoffs. the novellas. the babies etc
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who even wakes up at this hour!!! [<- is awake at these hours]
#just me hi#i Officially woke up at 5 a.m. today and Wah#i missed watching the sky slowly light up :)#still kinda tired tho so!! maybe i'm just cursed or summin lol!!#//anyway aside from the Curse of Exhaustion i Think i have other things to be doing ?#honestly i don't even know lol‚ i Think but i don't Rember#/i've definitely gotta finish drawing fpaa cuz i wanna post on the 30th#but also i Suck at sticking to schedules so that's in god's hands now#/mmm‚ i think i had to......#uh............#genuinely What was it - there was something i had to do!!#but i-! [dramatically falls onto a couch left on the side of the street] Don't Remember I Think !!#or it could just be the Magic playing tricks on me again. it be like that#for Example i was terribly anxious yesterday for Literally No Reason#and TRUST me i checked!! double checked!! went back in time five years to make sure nothin was up!! there was nothing going onnnnnnn#so could just be residual Magic left in my brain lol#//oh i have GOT to draw Oath again. for my health#i keep thinking about him and then i physically just Don't#mentally though it's like being steeped in tea. i'm in there ykno what i mean#might i'll put him in a car or something‚ let him run over another parson or something. for the stimuli#//anyway i'm starting to slowly clock back out braincell-wise so :0 toodles :>
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Sometimes I forget I have C-PTSD until I think "Hey Imma go do computer stuff in the living room / at the living room desk so I can be in the same room as my fiance playing games" and out of nowhere for no reason my brain turns the hypervigilance on max and ramps up the stress and I was like
"On second thought, I think Ill go right back to our room with my birds thank you" XD
My cockatiels are my emotional support birds and are used to less predictability in routine and staying up until I do, so I am letting them wake up and stay up next to me but they have to be quiet else the sleeping lovebirds might get jealous XD
#alter: riku#literally other than it being more open and more stimuli#but not more than usual to note#my brain was like#if we try to do anything right now other than panic we will panic#so I was like ok have it your way back to cozy room I guess#cptsd#ptsd#c-ptsd
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i wish my brain would . stop. or at least slow down a bit
#the fey speaks#cant even finish one thought before i get interrupted by 5 more....#truthfully wonder if what was diagnosed as adhd when i was a kid was actually a combo of autism + mania#maybe not though. tbh. maybe i have a 'delightful' mix of all three.#but anyway i was saying that because i don't actually USUALLY have my own thoughts distract me from my own thoughts.#i'm pretty distractable via external stimuli but not so much internal . except for when i am manic.#and idk the thoughts interrupting thoughts things seems like an adhd experience. but like i could still have it and just not that symptom.#i am not even really thinkinga bout this to be clear. this is just word vomit#even if i wanted to consider 'whether or not i actually have adhd'#which i do not.#i am pretty sure under normal brain conditions i have never doubted it#so i am probably just like. seeing things wrong right now#sorry my brain shut whatever i was thinking about there down already i forgot where i was going#i think i was just gonna say i think it wouldn't be very fruitful TO consider it. consdiering im a bit impaired atm#probably not the right way to word that but whatever.#ACKTUALLY maybe i shouldn't even be manic posting in the first place?
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LEAAAAAVINNNNNNN ONNNNA JET PPLAAAANEEE
#i should have procrastinated packing to tomorrow im so sleeeeepyangry now but :]#my enclosure (umwelt) is about be an environment with familiar but different stimuli 😵💫
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Hello lottafandom anyone else feel like crude MS paint drawings of bizarre homonculi going absolutely bananas
#꒰💬꒱ ❝ Dear Diary… ❞#I uh. dunno how to describe how I feel. I’m lowk tweaking#the Body Hurty is one thing but now I feel like I took a party drug#for some reason I got hit with a massive spike of energy and got compelled to make up my bed#which is all fine and dandy theoretically but now that I’m lying down I feel like some poor college student who friends have a 70 MG edible#kinda just. lazing about but also experiencing the spectrum of human emotions and thought at a million miles per hour#please come into my enclosure. this is your excuse to talk to me inbox wise and go bananas. I need my stimuli
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over a year later, staring blankly ahead. oh wow i CAN distinguish the difference between what was me just being high. i did not fucking want her. i did not fucking want it.
#it was just high. i was too high to understand what was happening is as too high to not respond positively to positive stimuli!#i didn't want HER i like the feeling because i WAS HIGH and HUMAN i didn't#i know people have said this to me so many times but it feels like some grand lie that if they could see they'd see through me#but no i see it now. i see it.#i was drugged up she wasn't even good at it i didn't like what she was doing i was just high.#i liked it i wanted it. sure!BECAUSE I WAS HIGH#it was literally all just drugs#i wasn't even fully conscious when she started [redacted]#like she didn't even ask at that point#so even if you can try to hold me accountable for not trying to escape and instead engaging later#BECAUSE I WAS HIGH. i t felt good i didn't know what was happening!#THAT was rape at least. but let's be fucking real. if i'm that fucked up how do you define any of that as consensual#she raped me i need to be able to say it somewhere real because not being able to face it has ruined the last year of my life#damaged me in ways i cannot even put in words#like it really nearly killed me#and i don't want to die anymore. may have taken nearly a year but i want to get better#even if that means admitting she raped me.#personal#s.a
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Officially two exams away from graduating!!!
#also lmao my average is as solid as a rock. it may go up or down a little but then it always goes back to its center or smt#which is nice! because it means I may get full final marks even if I don't get full points for my thesis <3#but it's still a bit too early to talk about that lol I still have 24 credits worth of exams in June 😬#(just checked: lowest I can accept is a 25 in both of them 💀)#pretty confident I should be able to graduate by October <33#I'm not even considering July because I cannot sustain all exams for logistic reasons 🙄 (the first available date for an exam#is *after* the deadline)#also I have 1) other things going on during summer 2) I can just chill a bit and do all my things without any hurry#I might encounter the slight problem of having to sign up + follow subjects for my master while graduating but it's okay :)#I've never really done one thing at a time so it will be manageable#my post#this is the kind of periodic stimuli and enrichment I need lol#now the next thing is meeting next week a professor I could possibly do my traineeship/thesis with 🤞
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