#and no gifts as you can guess lol
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...i think i figured why im feeling a bit off these days
is there a word for love starved. coz thats what i am rn
#not only my cupioromantic ass#do you know that thing about the 5 languages of love#mine are moreso quality time and gifts#.........this week i had no quality time with the people i like š« #i mean. i had a lil#and i literally live w some of them#but we didn't got to spent Quality time together#and no gifts as you can guess lol#i should do something about that#a boy can't only have his wips i guess#rambles
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Please appreciate my brotherās fanart of Succession that he gave me for my birthday
#likeā¦ love him but this is hilarious#make your bets on who is whoā¦ my only certain guess in Logan sitting#shiv at his right andā¦. I kind of think the stick figure to her right is Greg because his arms are coming from his face but thatās it#he is actually gifting me the first season scripts but they havenāt gotten here so he gave me this instead in the meantimeā¦#idk guys I think thereās potential here lol#he got really inspired with the painting behind them as you can tell#succession#art
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My Neekeys over the last two-odd years. I was curious to see the changes š¤
#forgive the low quality dfghfds it was just an experiment#now to do the DRAW ANYONE ELSE challenge#siggy draws#he is my blorbo. my muse. i guess#don't get me wrong. i am CRINGING and SWEATING at just the thought of uploading this.#have i been drawing almost every day my entire life? yes. does my style still change all the time? yes!#and i'm mostly self-taught so i struuuuggle a lot. i'll finally admit that reference pictures help immensely. no shit lol.#i learned a lot in the last 2 years!!! there are some really ugly ones i didn't show but i kept the cringe old ones sdfghfds help.#i mean they're still here on tumblr so i can't exactly hide them#you can kind of see when i actually started to use reference pictures. and when i got more used to using a tablet#idk digital art is so hard. it's a whole other world. but i'm in it now and haven't drawn traditionally in forever#i can also literally see how i used to CRUSH my nibs while drawing. all those really thin lines?? i pressed too hard lol#i've actually kept all my nibs since i started drawing digitally and....... it's too many fghfds#that one slightly more realistic nicky in the bottom right of the first collage lmaooo. i should finish him... maybe... it's haaard.#the top right on the first collage and bottom right on the second one are good comparisons ;_; they're both pirate!nico gifts for lily!!#i'm feeling sentimental now omg
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finally finished all of one character's entire quests/optional dialogue/questions/etc.... 100,000 words... .... aughhh
#Given some of it IS lines of code and stuff but like.. minus all that it's still probably at least 85 - 95k words hhhhhh#AND I have to do this for another 3 characters. Then a few partial quests for 3 others. THEN the other random misc stuff in the game#(like there are public areas in the city like a park and a forest that you can go and do a few things at. and chat with a few random#townsfolk that aren't actually full characters or anything. And there's a community board where you can#browse some of the random job advertisments or silly things that happen to be posted around#and also pick up a few odd jobs of your own to help earn coin to buy gifts for the npcs. etc. etc.)#Originally I was thinking like 'ah I'll make a short little game just to try it out! :3 It'll take maybe a few months!''#haha........................hee hee........................................hoho#Also evil that it would have been done already if I didn't totally drop itand stop working on it for like 5 years randomly#i could have made 5 years of steady slow progress gradually. instead of like 'one initial idea dump + about a month of art and writing'#...... 5 year break..... 'sudden mad dash to try to get probably 400.000 words written in a year or less' lol#I just really want to be done and have something out there already so it can lead to doing other things in my world..!!!!!! T o T#Like this can be an introduction and then maybe from that I can make other games. or short story anthologies. or other such things#But there needs to be some initially not very complex easy to interact with starting point first I guess... if that makes sense#That's part of why I stopped posting worldbuilding lore dump stuff as often because its' like.. massive walls of novella length#text are much more inacessible to engage with than like.. ooh a game! and there's characters! so its more approachable! and theres#visuals! oo! and the text is broken up in small bits line by line with other things in betwen! oo! etc. etc. lol#Not that THIS is even very accessible. I think dialogue heavy interactive fiction/visual novel type stuff is pretty niche and considered#boring or tedious compared to something with more ''gamplay'' like where you can actually move around in a world#and shoot things or whatever lol. But its an inbetween point. something SLIGHTLY#more accesible for now. Since i just dont have the budget or means or ability to make some skyrim type thing obviously LOL#Though maybe if theres any interest in the visual novel that could lead to making other things too. or at least I hope. I have a VERY cool#idea for a more ''gamey'' type of game that is a super fun concept and etc. but I would need to hire at least 2 people to make it.. ough..#I could do all the writing and probably half of the art. But I think I'd inevitably need a 3d artist and someone who can Code For Real hbjh#the system for ren'py (the thing I'm making a visual novel in) is not that complicated if you stick to just simple dialogue and stuff.#Making a whole moderately sized 3d game with minigames in it and a bunch of quest features and etc. would be out of my simplistic scope#''just learn it yourself!!' ... i barely manage to eat and sleep reliably every day lol... i do not function well enough to spend months#learning that many new skills. I already have a lot of of things I'm good at (not in a braggy way but just factually like.. i already have#a wide variety of different things under my belt).. at some point I have to just be happy with what i CAN already do and focus on that#and admit I need to get outside help sometimes ghjbh... NO more new skills/hobbies!!! ... ANYWAY
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I'm not gonna screenshot it bc 1/it really doesn't matter that much and 2/the person who made the comment is a kid but: a while ago I made a comic that's supposed to be a genuine study and reinterpretation of someone else's sprite comic (made in the spirit of authenticity too - to recreate the vibes of the sprite comics from that era, iirc very specifically because it's funny) and I got a comment on that comic's post that's like "glow up"
which is a compliment obvs. and the commenter probably didn't mean anything by it, it's a common expression. but I've been trying to find a way to gracefully put that comment away ever since it appeared lol
I just very much don't want my art to be taken as trying to one-up someone else's art when that's not the piece's intention. especially when the piece that inspired my art is perceived as "low effort" or "shitpost" or stuff like that. I did mention in the tags of that post that my considering it a study is entirely genuine, and I can legitimately write pages about the cool stuff I find in it other than and inherent in the haha funneys, but that's not for you guys that's for me. I just think that approaching art competition-first like that is a miserable way to do it, and (tipping into overthinking here if the whole tiny-comment-got-stuck-in-my-brain-for-almost-a-month part hasn't given that away yet lol) I really don't want that to be the takeaway from my own art. at least generally. if I actually think the source material is trash and what I'm doing is genuinely categorically better I'd just come out and say it lmao
#bakuspeech#yeah it's the darkhog sprite comic#honestly I don't love comments that put my art and other artists' art in a hierarchy in general. wherever my art lands on that scale#especially when it comes to character writing and trans 'representation'#which like. idk man I'm writing One character. he's NOT gonna be The Trans Experience. he's gonna be one character.#but yeah I'd guess I'm writing it all out in a post bc it's not really a race that anyone opts in#I don't actively participate but by virtue of how my art is perceived I just end up on the scale anyway#so uh. I'm suggesting that we do not bring the scale into my house at all lmao#there's also the like. Don't Yuck My Yum guideline of looking at art that's like#I like the things I'm aping! most of the times! if I don't say it's shit and I'm drawing stuff from it usually that means I like it lol#and then you kinda come in like wow what you're doing here is better than the thing you like. and it's not like yknow.#really anything. it's extremely trivial comparatively. but you are in fact yucking my yum there#tldr please try not to think abt art u like vs art u don't as ''better'' or ''worse'' and#have grace for the things that don't please u personally. anyways I'm omw to finishing the frog now. just need to fell all the seams down#and put that boy in da spinner for a ride. and then it can live in a gift bag until the day#I really enjoy holding it actually... maybe after this one I'll make something else. tbh slick stretchy fabrics are superior to fuzzy fabri#doesn't pill And cooler to touch. stuffed toys for the subtropical population#I'll get a combilation of pics once the thing's at its new home. but for now. we must finish the job
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Totally unaffected by this gesture of affection, definitely (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#The Captain#ZEX#Forgive the quality lol I wanted to make them pretty but then- Well you know lol#Dandelions <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3#You know it's bad when you start getting excited about the most mundane little signifiers <3#Dandelions deserve way more love than they get anyway it all balances out#I just hghh it's such a simple setup but there's a lot of feelings that can be expanded upon!#Like would Zelnick know about dandelions cultural ties?? He grew up on Unzervalt - unless someone brought some with them!#Or explained it I guess - but also Unzervaltians seem like scrappy underdogs sprouting up in the sidewalk cracks to defy the Ur-Quan too#Feels like it would actually mean a lot to him if he knew their symbolism!#But even if he didn't - they're Earth Flora! A piece of his home that /should/ just be mundane and everyday and not a big deal but it is!!#I legit teared up at Zelnick appreciating a blue atmosphere ah <3#He loves Earth so much wah <3 The naturalistic storytelling in his internal monologue are genuinely So Good#And then y'already know I love ZEX gifting him flowers lol I really do need to finish that one comic I posted the preview of it's cute!#Any little way that he engages with human courtship is The Cutest to me <3 Trying so hard to impress his love!#Trying so hard to cross that cultural gap agh it gets me bad! Seeing humans as more than just pretty somethings to be enjoyed at a distance#ZEX's pride also gets me bad hehe but I really love when he uses his intelligence to try to relate and understand#See humans as complex individuals both personally and in different cultures! He gets so distracted so easily hehe silly āŖ#Also I don't know if I have anywhere else that it'd come up but agh gods his and Zelnick's conversation about the eventual fallout of ZEX's#kidnap attempt - Literally The Best like ugh!! ā„ I /tried/ to write something half that exact and eloquent and it's just right there! Gah!!#S'beautiful s'so good fjdslafd I'm love I'm love
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absolutely do not feel pressured to answer this if this is weird but iām getting heavy older sibling vibes from you, and i have an question i can ask only anonymously and to no one else but a stranger on the internet that is sex positive LMAOOOO but as a woman in her early twenties i jerk it at LEAST once a day most of the time twice and uhā¦ā¦is that normal and not degenerate behavior? bc all of my peers seem to have a fairly low sex drive and i feel slightly like a freak thanks sm LOL
if once a day is degenerate behavior they should lock me up in alcatraz
#return to sender#on a more serious note i dont think so#i dont know what the average is for most women in their early 20's but i'd guess its maybe a little less than that? i would say average is#3/4 times a week from what i know.#once a day feels super average.#i have like 15 min refractory and hedonism in my body but im a once or twice a day girly lol#even if it was more than other people like who cares. its literally a gift you can crank your hog that often
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I got an email from my grandpa today and all the draft responses Iāve been working on in my head sound like an 18th century letter thatās going to have to travel for months to reach him.
pandemic year 5 really has me feeling like me and a very small handful of people I know are living on an entirely different plane of existence than everyone else
#like I havenāt seen him in over a year. Iāve seen him 3 times since 2020#so I guess on the isolation and slow communication front itās pretty similar#he used my chosen name. I havenāt changed my email yet but he used my chosen name#I donāt even care at this point if he never gets my pronouns right#I thought Iād never be able to tell him. I didnāt want to find out his politics were more important#heās quiet and kind and he gives people expensive gifts any time he can afford it but he constantly forgets peopleās allergies#so he might get you something you canāt have but whoever you pass it along to will love it#he cries at weddings and during church services and sometimes random holidays#he passes out in his rocking chair at every family function#heās the unofficial photographer of every gathering ever since my great grandfather stopped being able to walk as much as the job requires#and he voted for trump in 2016 and has afaik an active nra membership#he once complimented my outfit by telling me heād call me a stud if I was a guy#which like. ok. I have some notes#but uh. thanks?#idk Iām just. it sucks being so far away from everyone and everything because the rest of the world is ignoring an ongoing pandemic#Iām missing so much of my life and others lives and even parts of my own transition#I can make steps to reach out but it only goes so far if poeple#are unwilling to mask or vaccinate or even just ask what needs to happen to make it safe#so I donāt. idk. kill my partner#or become even more disabled than I currently am#my familyās been making steps and theyāre taking me seriously but itās all so slow and Iām still sore from bracing for rejection#Iāve been bracing for rejection for so so long itās terrifying to reach out. about anything#this is not condusive to a healthy relationship lol#not sure what to do other than bonk myself on the head and say āget betterā tho#*bonk* ātry againā#one step at a time ig#ahshitherewegoagain.jpg#.txt
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Iām sorry if you donāt want people weighing in here so feel free to delete and ignore - but in a good workplace your boss would work with you to find a solution, rather than just telling you to struggle harder. And idk, maybe your boss is working with you and youāre the one telling yourself to struggle harder - but you DO deserve better than that!
oh i am the number one defender of my boss, she definitely is going out of her way to help me and for that i feel bad about it, i always have when she's had to step in but now it legit feels like...crisis level i guess? which it also did earlier this year and she started dishing out some feedback to me that yeah i needed to hear but it hurts to hear nonetheless and one of my co-workers tried to comfort me in saying that my boss is just genuinely concerned about me but for some reason i can't believe that, any little fucking mistake i make i just immediately worry my boss hates me and i'm gonna get fired. i've been that way since day one. it's a definite me problem lol
hell maybe my techs didn't outright complain about me to HR but maybe it was like, a general statement about the department which is why it escalated to my boss cause i know HR has threatened me that if i don't take it easier on myself that they would tell my boss to force me to take time off and i guess that finally happened?
idk though i just still got the sense my boss wasn't happy about the situation, I don't think anybody is and maybe i am being too hard on myself but...if i'm not, then what am i? i can't let myself get off the hook that easily for fucking things up so bad, i should have done my job right in the first place and maybe we as a team wouldn't be in this mess.
#and it's funny cause yeah yeah my boss hates me but....#she has shown in quite a few ways that she trusts and likes me#even something as small as checking in with me in the morning or getting me a bday gift a few weeks ago#or confiding in me what's really going on in the company (well that's also cause i kinda need to know things about headcount so)#(less of a 'i trust you with this information' and more of 'you NEED this information')#but again any little thing that happens? oh god she hates me#oh god it's my fault#oh god how can i make her not mad at me#cause i can't stand when people are mad at me#even if i'm the one who's mad at them or they royally fucked me over or something#it's this terrible guilt complex cause i just want to be loved i guess#which is funny cause even i don't love myself#so how can i expect anybody else to?#(this is why i was off tumblr the last two days lol cause it's literally been THIS for the past three days in my head)
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one very good thing about Knowing Bugs that I hope to impart on people who are Afraid Of Bugs (that's okay!) even just a little bit is that once you get to Know bugs, you can feel something crawling around on your leg at night in your dark bedroom and when you turn on your light to look at it you can assess that hey. This Particular Guy is harmless and fine. and instead of feeling scared you can make that assessment and brush him off or put him outside or whatever feels comfortable to do and just go back to whatever chill thing you were doing! because hey you've Noticed and Observed enough bugs now to differentiate the ones that might be dangerous* from the ones that are largely neutral to you! and it's nice to have that knowledge because it helps you feel more secure in your environment (a home is an environment too!) and more comfortable and less scared, and it's always nice to be Less Scared I think <3
*disclaimer: even "dangerous" bugs are inherently valuable and worthy of their own buggy life opportunities, and with time you can learn to be very relaxed around them too! but at the same time if there is a tick crawling up your leg at night unfortunately you do have to recognize that and remove it :/
#anyway i guess I'm just thinking about how Knowing Bugs really requires a sort of exposure therapy. particularly for certain cultures.#(often western)#because being afraid of bugs is very much a cultural thing :( though it reasonably has it's evolutionary basis!#but millenia ago we were more immersed in our organic surroundings and the knowledge we relied on for survival included differeniating the#Dangerous To Us bugs from the Neutral To Us bugs from the Delicious To Eat or Beneficial To Us bugs! and we have distanced ourselves#from that knowledge in some cultures. and therefore we adopted the tendency to lump ALL BUGS into Dangerous!!! which makes them scary :/#but it can be unlearned!#i was afraid of small spiders (but not big ones haha!) and plenty of other bugs as a kid#but luckily i had a handful of good role models (shoutout to early 2000s Animal Planet lol....) and the opportunity to learn entomology#in college!!!#and now bugs are one of life's endless little gifts. they're always around anywhere you look and sometimes that has been very grounding#for me; and sometimes it's been the only positive thing i can recognize out of a shitty day or a bad season of emotions#so big love to the bugs of the world i guess!!#as a side note i really hope i can take that same exposure therapy outlook to some other things in my life. cuz boy do i fuckin need it :/#bugs#insects#entomology#arachnophobia#entomophobia
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EXTREMELY low effort plug n play cover with very default settings mixing i did in like 20 min but im trying out voisona and holy shit tsudumi's 2.0 sounds SO so good
honeymoon un deux trois by dateken (original vocal rin), UST by purblexber
#voisona#vocal synth cover#suzuki tsudumi#needs a lot of work. mostly needs better placed breaths than the default and the legato situation is dire#she just ran a marathon into the studio and immediately started singing no breaks LOL#but man you can hear anju inami's tone clearer here and its great. i always wished she did more solo music#but shes like busy with stage work and whatever else so i understand. so this will do hjkfdhgjkfdgfd thank u anchan for this gift#i dont mind cevio ai's odd max-setting-autotuney sounding engine quirk but man#am i glad they let u have a free voisona license for vocals u bought on cevio because tsudumi specifically i prefer here#she has a warmer tone i think is how id describe it#voisona aint half bad! i do which the pause and play buttons were the same tho but thats a problem i have with cevio too#and i do need to alter the shortcuts because rn ctrl scroll is zoom vertically instead of horizontal which is...lol#but every audio program will have ui quirks so i dont mind. fl studio keeps killing me with the shift scroll not being scroll timeline#and instead being move audio over?? bizarre. oh and i guess voisona keeps glitching out the text in the top bar for some reason#i do like the vibrato editing settings tho. its not super precise it seems but its fast
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Jeff's ad with subtitles
#this is my life now#putting subtitles to ads...#lol#he can sell me whatever he wants so it's ok#i guess...#hey biotherma is you want to gift me something for the free ad...#just let me know#hahahahha#jeff satur#video
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Theyāre calling my baby Gojo, Joseph Joestar now
#rambling#the diff is that Gojo did apologize after being called out and face to face with his racism whilst Joseph literally befriended naziās šµāš«#and there was never any explanation from araki as to why heād even wrote German soldiers in the shit in the first place like that was#absolutely jarring as hell to read for the very first time back when Iād gotten into jjba#well I watched it first but you know#like Joseph really thought fondly of Stroheim as this stand up guy even though heās first of all#a Nazi#and second#the first scene that we were introduced to was of him sexually harassing a Woman#itāsā¦ā¦. šæ#still to this day I wonder if araki had ever addressed this because lord#Joseph was just happy to get the help I guess but that felt so ooc for him from what heād seen š£ļø#happily receiving the help of a Nazi and calling them a nice guy ahhh Joseph-#Gojo would never sjjsaj#my boo boo is a little prejudice but heās working on it š£ļø#I still think that gege was trying to have a āracism is badā moment but again#the execution was pretty awkward and it felt out of place considering what had been currently going down in the manga#like the Racism was pretty random but it was swiftly put to a stop which I can appreciate even if it shouldnāt have been a point of#conversation to begin with since why couldnāt Miguel just exist as a character instead of him being the now token negro#who everyone sees as instantly more frighteningly powerful than everyone else like this didnāt even need to be brought up wllssldk#idk gege was trying to be āwokeā š. sorry nbs and wp ruined the term for me but like basically lol#gojoās pretty intelligent and extremely gifted but heās never been perfect lol#itās just that idk why gege chose to talk about antiblackness in Japan out of nowhere about the only black character on screen hehhhhhh#like gege tried but lmfao#this is so funny to me#at least it didnāt drag on putting Miguel in an even more awkward situation than he already was and it was nipped in the bud quickly#Gojo isnāt one to dwell on things but when heās face with new information and is taught something he does try to reflect and do better and#Iām sure he probably started to become even more aware of what heās saying especially when talking to Miguel in an honest way since thatās#always been the kind of character who he was despite the horrors#the only ppl whoāve been kinda annoying about this are nbs and white people as always šæ
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ābut i fear that they already got all the best parts of meā goes so hard
#if only this song came out like 6 years ago lol#iām also nearing the end of season 2 of my free! rewatch and gosh haruās conflict hits closer to home than ever#and idk if iām just getting more emotional lately but makoto and haruās fight in ep 11 deadass made me tear up#when will i stop relating to teenagers real or fictional lmao#part of me wishes i was still a teenager just because being a teenager would explain my sense of purposelessness in everything i do#like taking things one day at a time with a blurry future on a road leading to nowhere#but others having high expectations from you and being sad seeing you so lost#but you just donāt want to let go of what you have now#you donāt want to box your passions in what other people want from you#and going back to the lyrics of the song#you feel like thereās not much you can offer anymore ācause you were a āgiftedā kid and now youāre just an ordinary person#whose gone complacent to the disappointment of everyone who wants to see you succeed but you feel you donāt have it in you#so again youāre just floating through life trying to enjoy the blessings each day brings again with no clear goal#anyway idk what iām writing#at the same time iām glad iām not a teenager anymore ācause that shit sucked#but being a grown adult sucks ass too#i know there doesnāt need to be any purpose in life but#i feel like thingsāll be easier if i did have a dream#guess i need a best friend to take me to another country or something to inspire me or something#in other words iām about to watch one of my fave free eps where rin and haru go to australia#anyway iām rambling#michi yaps
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Okay I just caught this in the tags of that last post ignore me begging silly - Mike Flanagan is a favorite of mine as far as horror goes OwO and um if you enjoy his things he has a new show coming out in like 2 and a half weeks... Always coming out with shit right before my birthday!! It's like a little gift...
i didnt know he directed horror- maybe on a dark night ill try to look into his stuff :]
#snap chats#hope you enjoy the future birthday gift. and the future birthday LMAO#like i GUESS an actual guy can be named mike flanagan but what a coincidence.. lol...
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New toys āØ (Patreon)
#Doodles#Original#I found a gift card that had been swallowed by my chair for the past ??months and so opted to get myself some new tools!#I've been wanting new erasers for sooooooo incredibly long now hwahh#I've been using stick erasers - the kind that you can kachunk out similar to a utility knife? Retractable like that - since high school#Even sharpening them to get a finer point - if you'll recall from my getting .3 drafting mechanical pencils I draw Very small lol#But they'd never stay sharp for long! And getting fine details had to fall on the editing side of things when I Wanted my paper to be clean!#So I finally bit the bullet and got myself some shiny news :D And then my laptop charger broke and I had to use the rest for that :/#But I still got the erasers so! I'll take it! Lol#And I do quite like them āŖ They still don't Quite beat out my current favourite brick eraser that I got I think two birthdays ago?#Or last Christmas? From my brother <3 Such a sweetheart ā„ It's been working Fantastically but it is - as stated - a brick#Fine details =/= brick#Which sucks Especially now because if you look at that second one - the examples - The Brick is an Excellent eraser!!#Leaves no scannable residue is Extremely clean and shiny! And it has a soft formula that is very friendly on the paper! I love it#If I could have a stick of That in my new mechanical guys I would in a heartbeat buuuut it's a different formula for stability :P#I get why but uughhhh#Not to say that the others are bad! There's also the learning curve element! Still getting used to them!#But you can probably guess that I doodled my positive reaction before scanning lol - it looks clean to the naked eye! Computers see more smh#I ended up with a multipack of all the same brand of erasers but in different shapes :) Two mechanical two bricks and one sharpenable#And one kneaded but those dry out so fast I tend not to use them lol#So far I have completely fallen for my sharpenable of all things haha āŖ It just has Such a fine point!! And a shavings brush on the end!#It's kind of silly with how long it is lol but I like it!#I think part of it Has been user error - I'm pretty sure I over-brushed some of my doodles which caused the graphite to rub off#Specifically into the supposed-to-be-white sections - if you remember the dream comic I made with Gaster and Papyrus you can imagine#Lots of residue that makes it a long edit :P The whole idea is to make editing easier by Not having lines or toning where it's not wanted!#Still a bit hit or miss but I'm Very willing to keep working with them haha - they make my page-eyes happy if nothing else#I feel like I can spend a bit more time on the drawing side of things - more willing to make it prettier before scanning :)#Which is what I want!! I want more time drawing and less time editing!! Even just proportionately#So I'm pleased overall āŖ
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