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undead-supernova · 8 months

Text

HIGH TOLERANCE

Volcano Vaporizer / Masterlist

Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4

warnings: weed consumption, Steve (derogatory) (not to me, but in this canon sorry), jealous!reader out the whazoo, puke, drinking, horny thoughts, Annie Lennox's (Eurythmics) incredible song "Love Is a Stranger"

pairings: bestfriend!modern!eddie x bisexual!fem!reader

plot: it's everyone's downfall to desire jealousy to go both ways, isn't it?

wc: 5.8k

“What’re you up to?”

“Since you last asked me five minutes ago?”

“Yup.”

“Still trying to fix my toilet.” Eddie heard a bang. “Ow!”

“You good?”

“Just hit my head again. No big deal.”

Eddie laughed, shaking his head. “I could’ve done it for you if you just, you know, asked.”

“You’re on your break and I kinda need to pee, you know.”

Eddie looked down at his BLT, arms smeared with grease. No amount of soap could take everything off, especially in his brown coveralls. (Plus, his black nail polish had almost been obliterated within the first hour of his shift.) (It was devastating.) He was reclined in the front seat of his van, legs stretched out against the passenger seat, the one he tried not to picture you in.

He thought about his uncle Wayne, how he would’ve been more than happy to come fix whatever the fuck you needed if he had moved here like Eddie wanted. Wayne just didn’t like how big it was, how daunting it would be to start that process over of getting a new home and a new job. It was something Eddie assured him wouldn’t be so bad, but Wayne merely shook his head and told him that he preferred the comfort of Hawkins. Though, Eddie wasn’t so sure if Hawkins and comfort really went together.

Wayne accidentally met you once, two years ago. He’d come for his first (and only) visit. You had accidentally fallen asleep the night before after binge watching Ted Lasso. And to be clear, you fell asleep on Eddie’s bed, not his couch. And to be fair, Eddie really thought you’d be gone by the time they got back from the airport.

But when he went to show Wayne his bedroom and found you scrolling on your phone… Well.

You introduced yourself and made breakfast. Breakfast. You stayed through your horrible embarrassment in Eddie’s shirt (and boxers) and cooked for everyone. It had gone well, but after you left Eddie had to beg Wayne to believe him that you were just friends.

Even then, there was no way Wayne didn’t already know what Eddie was too scared to say aloud.

“I could always send someone.”

“Who?”

Eddie thought about it but ultimately came up short. “Uh, I don’t know. Someone.”

You let out a breathy laugh. “No, thanks. I think I’ve got it.”

“I’ll see you tonight, though.”

“Tonight?” you asked.

Eddie paused. “Uh, I’m performing tonight? At The Hidey-Hole?” He could hear you let out a low “Ohhhhhh” as he spoke. “I’m bringing that volcano thing…?”

“Oh, shit!” you exclaimed. “You’re right. Glad I can come then. Jesus, I’m sorry for forgetting. I really didn’t want to miss that.”

Eddie smiled. “No problem, Weirdo.” And for some reason, he genuinely began sweating as he started his next question. A proper sweat, starting in his armpits and the crown of his head, threatening to send trickles down his neck and torso. Fuck, he needed a shower.

“Is it cool that I invited Robin…and, uh, Steve?”

You paused. “No, yeah. It’s fine. Sure.”

It hadn’t been a long pause. But it was a pause, one of those that lasted a second too long. A short break in the conversation, a hesitance that held more than just a beat of silence. And now he was wondering what the fuck you were thinking.

“Did you go on that date?”

Eddie couldn’t stop the lump growing in his throat as the question came through. Did he really want to tell you of all people about his subpar date with Steve Harrington?

But you were still his best friend. He really couldn’t keep it from you.

“Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

“And…how was it?”

Taking another bite of his sandwich, he recounted the night more to himself than you, really. Because, yeah, Steve had been nice. Really nice. A gentleman in every way that mattered. But, to put it simply, it was just fucking boring.

“It went okay, I guess? I don’t know. Steve’s a really nice guy and he’s pretty funny. Good at mini-golf, too.”

“Don’t you, like, hate mini-golf?”

You were right. Eddie loathed mini-golf after an unfortunate accident. He was by the edge of the water, trying to hit the neon green ball into the mouth of a hippo. It was on some date with some girl he was trying to impress, and he was a little too forceful with his swing. He failed to even hit the ball, losing his grip on the putter before dropping it to the ground. Eddie took a step forward, accidentally stepping on the ball. Lost his footing. Fell in the water. Hit his head. Had to be taken to the ER for a couple of stitches. Lost the girl after she had to drive him home.

He felt so embarrassed when he tried to go back a few months later and saw they put up a fence around the water and a sign that said No Swimming.

“Yes, but I never told him that story.”

You snorted. “Well, why not?”

“What do you mean?”

“If you didn’t want to play mini golf, why didn’t you say anything about it?”

“I don’t know, I guess I wanted to make him happy.”

He could hear you pause again. “So, are you guys, like dating?”

“I wouldn’t say it’s a serious thing.” Was he trying to tell himself this or you? “But I guess we are.”

“Cool.”

Cool? What did you mean by cool? That was half of an opinion, half judgment. Or did you really not care? But you were the one who asked, weren’t you? Did it mean anything that he still wanted you to be jealous, to finally come clean about how you felt and denounce Steve’s advances?

He looked at the time and sighed. “Shit, I gotta head back. Hold on while I down this BLT.”

“Okay.”

He stuffed the last of his sandwich in his mouth and washed it down with the rest of his Dr. Pepper.

“OW!” you shouted again. “Fucking fuck, fuck, fuck! I hate this stupid thing!”

Eddie couldn’t help but laugh. “Have fun with your broken toilet, Weirdo.”

“Yeah, yeah. Eat shit.”

You felt haunted by some kind of fucked up presence as you drove to that dive bar across the city. Knowing that your fears were confirmed… Well, it certainly wasn’t the best feeling, was it? Like the rejection before the rejection. The pre-game. The warmup.

And you were always asking the wrong questions, weren’t you? Your mind was a pesky little thing, desperate for those deprecating answers to confirm every nightmare you’d had for the past two weeks. They were dating now. And maybe it wasn’t an official relationship yet, but casual dating led to dating and dating led to a relationship and a relationship led to the death of any and all chance with Eddie Munson.

“Love Is a Stranger” blasted through your speakers, the same song you sang at karaoke. The one where Eddie left the table to come and cheer you on, always being your biggest fan. He swayed, raising the roof ever so often to give an added effect. But… Well. What about Eddie and Steve’s performance? What about the way Eddie danced with him, getting closer than you’d ever seen them before?

Steve’s hands. The stumble. The nearly avoided kiss.

And you didn’t want to give in to the dangerous bitterness rising in you. You really didn’t.

But if you saw even a morsel of affection tonight, a mere kiss on the fucking cheek, you were going to throw up.

“'And I want you. And I want you. And I want you so, it’s an

obsession.'”

You groaned. “Get out of my head, Annie Lennox!”

But she, of course, couldn’t hear you. Instead, she was spending every second of that intoxicating beat teasing you, berating you. Making you wish that you’d stayed home tonight, bitter with a 10mg Delta-9 gummy, melting into the couch while watching Schitt’s Creek. At least there you could anxiously daydream about what was going to happen tonight and spiral down an endless well of what-ifs without having to see it.

But you kept driving.

“'It’s savage and it’s cruel and it shines like destruction.

Comes in like a flood, and it seems like religion.

It’s noble and it’s brutal, it distorts and deranges.

And it wrenches you up and you’re left like a zombie.'”

You couldn’t help but let out another groan and skip the song.

“Fucking Annie Lennox,” you murmured.

When you got out of your car, you saw Eddie talking to Gareth, Grant, and Jeff over by his van, Gareth drumming against the pavement. Eddie was nodding along to the beat but turned at the sound of the car door, smile widening. It was like that anxiety dissipated, momentarily overwhelming you with a sense of calm and safety you always felt around him. It was so strange, the way he affected you.

“Look who it is,” you heard Grant say, hitting Jeff’s shoulder before pointing over at you.

“Eddie!” you called out before running over to him, trying to keep hold of your purse.

“Hurry up, Weirdo!” he exclaimed, arms spread wide, quick to catch and lift you into the air once you fell into him.

It was so strange, the way he moved you.

You let out an exasperated “Ahhhh” as he moved you back and forth, shaking you a few times before putting you back down.

The rest of the band exclaimed your name, hooting and hollering, all rowdy and boyish.

“Lookin’ hot!” Jeff said, throwing you finger guns. You gave him a big smile.

“Yeah, you look so cool,” Eddie said once he had a chance to look you over. He took a step back, as if he were admiring art. Fuck. “The lucky fishnets?” he asked, pinching your thigh. You jumped, slapping his arm.

"Ow! Quit it!" But you still smiled, nodding feverishly. “To answer your question, yes. You know I had to wear ‘em.”

“Hell yeah, dude,” he replied, giving you a hearty high-five that stung. “It’s gonna be a good night.”

And you believed him. You really did.

“Hey, guys!”

But you lost hope immediately, trying not to turn around at the sound of Steve’s voice. If there was anything that could ruin your night, it was Steve Harrington walking around drunk with loose lips and a penchant for physical affection.

Eddie waved. “What’s up!”

“Just here to rock out,” Robin responded. You turned and watched as she threw up her fingers in the sign of the horns. That made you laugh. She was trying her hardest and you respected that. You also respected how she wasn’t trying to fit in, in a forest green crop top and loose jeans. Her hands were stuffed in a dark jean jacket and had her hair up in a small bun. (In short, Robin was hot.)

“Hey, you look great!” Robin said to you, giving you a hug. “Love the lipstick.”

You were genuinely touched by the compliment. “Thanks, Robin. You look beautiful, as always.”

“Nice fishnets,” Steve noted, pointing to your legs.

You finally faced him, eyes widening when you took in his appearance. Steve was trying harder too, in a Panic! at the Disco Death of a Bachelor album t-shirt and jeans, with a chain in exchange for a belt. If it wasn’t him, that would look stupid. But it was Steve Harrington. He looked cool.

“Um, thank you,” you replied with a small smile.

Steve saluted you before poking Robin. “You should keep Rob company tonight. She invited Vickie, but she got stuck at work.”

Robin rolled her eyes. “And? It’s not a big deal. It’s not like we’re dating or anything. She has a life outside of me.”

Robin looked like she was telling the truth. She genuinely wasn't that upset about it. But Steve couldn't help but take things a little too far.

“Yeah, but you’re like in love with her, dude—"

“Am not! Shut up!”

“Yeah, Harrington,” Eddie agreed. “Let the girl live.”

Steve turned to you again, making your eyes widen. Was Steve wearing a little bit of eyeliner? Did he really put in this much effort to impress Eddie?

“What about you?” he asked. “Are you seeing anyone?”

Without a singular thought about consequences, you said, “Um, well, I’m going on a date tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Robin asked, narrowing her eyes. You knew she was suspicious from the get-go. “That’s very…soon.”

“You didn’t mention it on the phone earlier,” Eddie stated, turning his full attention to you now. You knew he was hurt. You saw it immediately.

“Oh, yeah, well. We just made the plans like an hour ago and—so, yeah. They’re really cool.”

“That’s great, though,” Steve said, throwing a hand up to high-five you. You glanced over at Eddie’s seemingly blank expression before giving Steve the most pathetic high-five of your life. “You’ve been single the entire time I’ve known you. That’s awesome. Congrats.”

Before you could say anything, Grant was cutting in. “What about you and Eddie, huh?” he asked, smirking over at Steve.

No. No, no, no. Please no. You didn’t want to hear this. Didn’t need to.

But you did.

“Oh, yeah!” Steve laughed, pointing at Eddie. Eddie who was looking away, fiddling with something. Probably his lighter. He was always playing with that thing.

You turned your attention back to Steve, bracing yourself for the impact.

“Eddie’s been so fun to go on dates with. Seriously, this guy is like a master at mini-golf.” You shot Eddie a look, noticing how he was already glancing over at you nervously. “I can never get the ball through those tiny slots and, seriously dude, you got through that windmill on the first try. It’s unbelievable.”

“That’s awesome,” you said, smiling mischievously. Eddie gave you a look, rolling his eyes. “Eddie’s just a natural at everything. Pinball, D&D, air hockey, and now mini-golf.”

Eddie groaned and you could tell he wanted you to shut up. “I just have a lot of interests. It’s really not that big of a deal.” He let out a small huff before pointing at the band. “Alright, you all go back inside with these two,” he turned to point at Robin and Steve, “because we,” now the finger was on you, “are going to take dabs.”

Everyone laughed at his finger-turned-compass before waving their goodbyes and heading off. The two of you watched everyone file through the door before Eddie turned to you and patted your shoulder.

“Come here, Weirdo. Got something special for ya.”

As he led you over to his van, you noticed his hand brushing your back. You wished he kept snaking his arm around your waist, pulling you in and playing with the lace. Fiddle with it to his heart’s content and give him a reason to keep touching you. Keep getting closer. Even if he was opening the back door of the van and pulling out a device, he could always keep you guys in there. Keep you close, whispering in the dark. Keep his fingers on your dress…

“Alright,” he said, clapping and rubbing his hands together. You shook the image out of your head. “So, I brought this thing called a Volcano Vaporizer. It’s, like, this thing where I put this plastic bag right here and when I melt the wax, it fills the bag with smoke, right?” You nodded, watching him work. “And then I put this orange mouthpiece on and, boom, you just suck the dab out. It’ll give us about three bags which will probably be more than enough.”

“Even for you?”

He smirked. “Even for me.”

“Sick,” you said.

“Here,” he said once it filled up. “First half is yours, humble cleric.”

Snorting, you shook your head. “Always the gentleman.”

You pressed your lips down on the mouthpiece and took it in slow, filling your lungs to the best of your ability. The taste wasn’t even half bad, similar to a regular bong hit, just with a little twist from being wax instead of bud. And the strangest thing happened when you blew out the air: You didn’t cough. Any time you took a dab, you coughed and hacked and lost your mind. Puffcos were your absolute enemy. But this…

“This is the smoothest dab I’ve ever taken,” you said.

He nodded, taking the bag from you and finishing off the first batch. “That’s what I’m saying.”

“How’d you get this?”

“Uh, I won it in a poker game against one of my dealers,” he said as he filled a second bag and took a hit. “I may have cheated, but he doesn’t know that.” You laughed. “It’s usually $700 or some shit like that.”

“An impeccable man,” you teased, taking the half-full bag. “Incredible work, Munson.”

You sucked in the rest of the dab and let the smoke out, noticing Eddie’s eyes directly on you. Reciprocating the eye contact, you grew confused when he didn’t break it at all. In fact, he seemed so much closer than before.

“Why’re you looking at me like that?” you asked.

“Looking at you like what?”

You nudged him. “Like that.”

“What’s their name?”

“Huh?”

“The person you’re going on the date with.”

“Gertrude,” you said without thinking. You swallowed down the urge to bash your head against the side of the van as you realized how utterly stupid you sounded. But you had to commit now. That was the only way out of this. You could only hope Eddie was dumb enough to believe you. “Their name is Gertrude.”

“Gertrude?” Eddie repeated. You nodded. “Sounds cool.”

Sounds cool? Sounds cool? That wasn’t supposed to be his response. Why wasn’t he calling you out for lying? Why wasn’t he exposing you for having a fat crush on him and throwing all of this stupid middle school behavior aside? But even if he did believe you, he was supposed to at least look a little upset by it. In fact, he looked more upset about you not telling him than he did with the fake ass name you made up. It was unbearable. You didn’t want this anymore.

Without hesitation, you reached out to grab his hand. You needed to feel him close, needed to feel the way you always did in his grasp. Safe. Understood. And here you were, seconds from meeting his open palm and saying to hell with all of these stupid games. To hell with keeping everything concealed. There was no Gertrude. There shouldn’t be a Steve. It was just you. It was just him. You were all his.

But there Eddie was, looking away from you and back towards Gareth at the door, waving him over. Eddie gave him a salute in turn.

“Alright, Weirdo,” he said, patting your knee. He hadn’t even noticed your hand lying limp against your thigh. “I gotta go perform. Finish this for me?” he asked, handing you the rest of his dab. You nodded, giving him the best tight-lipped smile you could without giving away your disappointment. “Alright, don’t forget to lock the van and, oh, by the way, don’t be long. Gotta have my biggest fan in the front row.”

“Like always.”

It was actually a really good turnout tonight. Corroded Coffin had finally gotten a spot to play on a Saturday which was a very big deal. The Hidey-Hole may have been a dive bar, but in Atlanta terms, that still meant it was packed on the weekends. At first it had been twenty people, twenty-five tops. Then fifty flooded the space with a bouncer and a line at the door and suddenly Eddie realized how important this was for the band.

So why was it that he couldn’t pay attention?

He couldn’t help but think about you, about this fucking person you were going on a date with. Would you find yourself wanting more? With a cool name like Gertrude, maybe you would. Eddie couldn’t help but flip through facial features and imaginings of who this person was and how their voice sounded and how it would feel if he saw you being kissed by someone else.

And, sure, Eddie was going on dates with Steve. But they hadn’t kissed or anything like that. Eddie wasn’t even sure he wanted to kiss Steve. Steve was pretty—extremely pretty. The kind of pretty that made any boy swoon, and all the girls lose their minds. But Steve just wasn’t someone Eddie wanted to kiss.

Because you were screaming your head off in the front, jumping and dancing around to his music while Steve stood in the back and bopped his head. You knew every word, every note. You played an air guitar along with him, head banging your way through the set and pointing up at him whenever they got to a part that you really liked. He always shared his lyrics with you first, always shocked when you’d memorize them and squeal about your favorite lines.

He couldn’t help but smile at you, as lost in the music as he was. You were wearing one of his (secret) favorite dresses, a black lace babydoll dress with what you called your lucky fishnets. Specifically, the ones with you wore to whatever gig you could make it to. (Every gig you showed up to always drew in a larger crowd. How you did that, he couldn’t say. He did call you a witch once.)

Tonight, your eyes were lined in black with silver eye shadow and a deep burgundy lipstick. A lover of black, but you always wore it with a smile. Maybe the happiest semi-goth he’d ever met. He loved it—no, more than that. He went absolutely feral for it. It made his heart skyrocket, his mouth run a little dryer than usual. And when he was high like this, tingling with the vibrations of his Sweetheart, he prayed to a God he didn’t believe in that he wouldn’t get a boner onstage.

But he could see your dress riding up to reveal that your lucky fishnets came attached to garters and Sweetheart was adding juuuuust enough friction and suddenly he had to look away from you, too embarrassed that he fucking popped a boner in front of all these people, that he popped a boner in front of you, with only Sweetheart to keep his secret.

He looked back over to Steve, testing himself. Was Steve able to do the same thing? Could he ruin Eddie on this stage tonight and turn him into a mumbling fool in his bedroom later when he got himself off?

But…there was nothing. Steve was talking to Robin and offhandedly looked at his phone. Eddie could even see him scrolling. He may have been swaying to the beat, but he was barely paying attention. It hurt Eddie’s feeling, just not in a way that would come from a potential lover.

In the end, he realized there really was only one person he wanted to kiss.

And she was currently going on dates with someone else.

That Volcano truly did what it set out to do. You were seeing color after color, the room swirling around you in vibrant shades of red and black. It was all fuzzy and pixelated, vibrating within you. You were being taken on an overwhelming journey, but in a way that was calming. Eddie was right in front of you, giving it his all and basically staring at you the entire time. Or from what you could tell in between dancing and the room spinning you in circles like a merry-go-round.

And, holy hell, Eddie was so fucking hot when he performed. It burned, literally burned inside of you, slowly spreading between your legs. It was all Eddie’s fault, with his bangs sticking to his forehead and sweat rolling down his cheeks like teardrops. In every guitar solo, he bit his lip so hard that you could’ve sworn you saw him draw blood. His fingers hit note after note, charging up and down the neck of his electric guitar. Those hands which, ever so sweetly, used to fit right in yours.

The callouses on the tips of his left hand, the ones that scratched at your palms whenever you held it. It was always rougher after band practice or when he came down from his apartment twenty minutes late after needing to perfect one of his wicked solos—like the one he was performing now.

Those hands that you thought about sliding in between your thighs. Opening you up. Teasing you for wearing a garter belt to hold up your fishnets. Leaving little bites along your neck as he questioned why those were so lucky in the first place and asking you how lucky you thought you’d get tonight.

You had to make yourself stop thinking about it, trying to dance your desire away.

But you looked up at Eddie who was looking down at you. And there was something in his eyes, something blown out and downright dirty. You couldn’t help but stare back, giving him a wicked grin before moving your hips around. And if you made sure he could see your garter belt, well, maybe you didn’t care anymore.

Because you saw his face go red and a smile meet his lips and suddenly you were thinking that maybe there was something more there. ‘Cause he wasn’t looking at Steve. He was looking at you. And when he finished his final belt of the night, he didn’t throw his guitar pick at Steve. He threw it at you.

“Oh em gee, is that Eddie Munson of Corroded Coffin?”

Eddie turned with a grin, watching you comically twisting your foot and pretending to be bashful.

“Hey, you a fan?”

You nodded, batting your eyes. “I’m, like, your biggest fan. You’re so talented. Can I get your autograph?”

He smiled, nodding generously. “Of course, of course. Anything for my fans.”

Giggling, you dropped your act and hugged him. Even at his sweatiest, you never cared. It wasn’t like you weren’t sweaty from dancing all night. “In all seriousness, you were great. Like always.”

“Ah, thanks,” he replied, placing his chin on your head briefly before pulling back. “I really do appreciate it. You were killing it in the crowd.”

You smirked, placing your hands on your hips. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, you give it your all every fucking time.”

You did a little dance as you teetered from side-to-side. “It’s so much fun! I can’t wait for the day you can play somewhere where we can mosh, ‘cause I’ll be the one to start it.”

“You think you’ll be able to handle it?” he teased.

You narrowed your eyes playfully. “Fuck yes I will. I’ll be bloody and gross by the end of it and it’ll be awesome. I swear, you underestimate—"

“Whoo!”

You both turned, watching Steve jog over. And as he approached, you felt all happiness drain from your limbs.

Because Steve had a wide smile on his face and he was fist bumping the air and he was drawing near, excitement flooding his features with flushed cheeks and sweat beading on his forehead and—

Steve kissed Eddie.

He actually kissed him.

And you couldn’t focus on any of the details.

No, you weren’t going to keep torturing yourself like that.

So, you just…left.

Eddie pushed Steve back.

“What the hell was that, Harrington?”

Steve laughed. “Can I not kiss you?”

“I mean. I don’t—” Eddie sighed, shaking his head. He looked around the room for you, immediately having the urge to apologize. “I don’t know, man. Sorry.”

“Listen, I think what you did up there was very, very sexy,” Steve said loudly, placing a finger on Eddie’s chest.

Raising an eyebrow, Eddie simply nodded. “Uh, yeah, dude. Thanks.”

“Did you wanna get a snack at that diner after you pack up? We could even grab the girls and hang.”

Eddie really wanted to find you instead. He wanted to know if you saw Steve kiss him and if you really thought they were something more. He wanted to ask more about whoever this Gertrude was and if there was a reason you kept this from him until tonight. More than anything else, he wanted to know if you were okay.

But you just…left.

Your head was spinning, and it wasn’t going to be long before you completely broke down. A pool of nausea rested in your stomach, bubbling up your throat by the second. You made your way out of the bar, the humid air doing nothing to help. Tears collected in your eyes, threatening to spill over and smear your eyeliner even more than it already had during the show. Maybe it didn’t fucking matter anymore.

The door opened behind you; Robin’s voice heard above the music as she called out your name. You turned then, pausing as she ran over.

“Hey, you okay?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

You nodded, but it felt more like a shrug than anything else. “Yeah, I’m good. Just need to leave.” Trying to conceal the sniffle, you scuffed your Converse against the gravel. “Steve and Eddie are back inside. Maybe y’all can go out or something.”

“Without you?”

When you finally made eye contact with Robin, you knew she understood. She was giving you that look, the one that called bullshit without having to actually verbalize it. She knew that you knew. You knew that she knew.

“I’m actually feeling nauseous, so I think I should go home.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah—” you started before leaning over and puking onto a tree.

Well, nothing was going to sober you up more than that.

You felt Robin’s hands making sure your hair didn’t get in your face.

“Holy shit, are you okay?”

You nodded as you stood up again. “Yeah, it’s probably the dab.”

Robin crossed her arms, raising an eyebrow at you. “You know, Eddie said you felt sick the other week, too.”

You looked at her with narrowed eyes. Saying nothing, you wiped the vomit from your mouth. Just say it, Robin,you thought bitterly. Just fucking get it over with. Call me out. I dare you.

“Maybe you should, I don’t know, do something about it,” she said, shrugging. “Say something.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at her coded sentence. “Yeah, maybe. Thanks, Robin. Have fun with Eddie and Steve. I’ll see you later.”

Rushing off to your car, you tried to keep your sobs from spilling out from your mouth. And if anyone saw you, well, you couldn’t quite seem to care anymore.

Steve and Robin kept the conversation going as they sat in the little 24/7 diner down the street from The Hidey-Hole. Eddie was bored out of his mind. Robin told him that you got sick from the dab and decided to go home. And, sure, that might be the reason you left. But in the middle of a sentence? In the middle of a conversation? Without saying goodbye?

It wasn’t like you at all.

Eddie tried to focus on shoveling eggs and hash browns into his mouth, washing everything down with black coffee and a helping of chocolate milk. The high was coming down with each bite. He didn’t care anymore. It wasn’t fun if you weren’t there to tell him you didn’t want chocolate milk before stealing his. It wasn’t fun if you weren’t ordering two plates of food and swearing you would finish everything before begging him to eat half of it.

It just wasn’t fun without you.

Steve nudged him. Eddie looked up reluctantly. He wanted to say something snarky and rude about how Steve was barely paying attention and how stupid it was for him to pretend he had when he kissed him. He wanted to scream at Steve that you were more engaged than he was and what excuse did he have when they were supposed to be going out. He wanted to push his way out of the booth and go track you down.

Instead, he asked, “What?”

Steve pointed up at himself. “Did you like the eyeliner? I think it added a nice touch.”

That had been the first time Eddie even noticed. “Oh, yeah. Yeah,” he stumbled, scrambling for a white lie. “It looks good, dude.”

Eddie didn’t last much longer after that. He waited for the waitress to come by, nearly begging her for his check and getting the fuck out of there before Steve and Robin could suggest going with him. He stalked back to his van, the band already packed up and gone for the night.

With a sense of false hope, he looked over at the spot your car had been in, now taken by someone else.

Maybe he should’ve ran outside to find you before you slipped away.

When he started out of the parking lot, he could’ve turned on something heavy. Something to make his ears bleed and the fuzz to distract from the incessant thunder and lightning in his head.

Instead, he searched for that song you sang at karaoke. That Eurythmics one that you adored so much, always a sucker for some dark Eighties-esque synth. The strength of the lead singer, all tough and frustrated before saying the most bittersweet shit he’d ever heard.

And so, he listened to it, weaving through the streets and banging on his steering wheel with every red light. Road rage turning the thunder and lightning into something more intense, something more vicious. He couldn’t help but wish his lips were on yours as he thanked you for wearing your fishnets and desperately clawed at the garters underneath your dress. Worshipping you in the hush of the night. Without Robin. Without Steve. Without fucking Gertrude.

“And I want you. And I want you. And I want you so it’s an

obsession.”

The lines kept repeating themselves, over and over with each chorus. Echoing his feelings, ruining him from ever escaping these fucking thoughts of something else. A future, a moment in time where he had you and everything was allowed to make sense again.

“Annie Lennox,” he said, sighing and clucking his tongue. “Fucking Annie Lennox.”

When you stepped inside your apartment that night, you couldn’t help but let out a scream, walking over to the kitchen table and kicking a chair over. Tears slid down your cheeks, gushing and spilling over. None of this was how it was supposed to be. None of this made any fucking sense anymore.

Eddie didn’t want you. He never did.

He wanted Steve. And you didn’t have to like it, but god dammit you had to endure it.

It was so strange, the way he could break you.

You fell to the floor, trying to physically hold yourself together. But you could feel the guitar pick still in the pocket of your dress, growing heavier by the second. You pulled it out and tried to look at it through the tears, accidentally smearing eyeliner on the damn thing.

Annie Lennox’s voice sat in your skull, repeating her demented lyrics over and over.

“It’s guilt edged, glamorous, and sleek by design.

You know it’s jealous by nature, false and unkind.

It’s hard and restrained and it’s totally cool.

It touches and it teases as you stumble in the debris.

And I want you.”

#Eddie munson #Eddie Munson x you #Eddie munson fluff #Eddie munson angst #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson x reader #best friend!eddie #modern!eddie munson #modern!eddie x reader #best friend!Eddie x reader

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theriverbeyond · 3 months

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what series scratch the same "itch" as TLT for you? Recently finished the trilogy and feel empty and have found nothing to fill the void in my chest (lol) that TLT had in the weeks I was reading it. I have already experienced homestuck, when thhey cry, and most of the other "big names" of similar media. Any format works as long as its good. I like morally grey characters (Ianthe), well written female leads, character driven narratives and lesbians (in that order.

1. Princess Floralinda and the forty-flight tower (by Tamsyn Muir. excellent audio book narrated by Moira Quirk, same voice actor as TLT)

2. All of Tamsyn Muir's other novellas and short stories (The magician's apprentice, The house that did 16 loops of time, undercover, chew, the deepwater bride, etc)

Next up is entirely my personal and extremely picky and subjective preferences of brain zing, ranked in order of me remembering them

Chainsaw man manga (i read this 5x back to back when I first got into it in 2021. part 1 is complete, part 2 is still updating. part 1 can be experienced as a complete work. the anime is very good but the first episode is not as good as everything after it)

This is how we lose the time war book (feels sorta like fanfiction but the prose is gorgeous)

Interview with the vampire tv show (it's fun, it's camp, there are a lot of gay and bisexual people making really terrible decisions and being very hot)

Gurren Lagann anime (my favorite anime of all time. the women characters are not good, as is typical of many animes. the bathhouse episode can be skipped in its entierty without losing any plot. the overall story is really good and gives me that zing)

Arcane tv show (i watched this in full once and every since have just watched a caitvi + jinx whump clipshow but it did give me that zing. i do not care about the men)

Fullmetal alchemist manga or FMA brotherhood (really good and at this point a classic. royai is the queerplatonic campal blueprint i will not be taking critique at this time)

Revolutionary girl utena anime (watch the sub, do not watch the dub, the dub didn't make them gay. it's really good but heavy TWs and also it is paced like a 90's anime so: slow with a fair amount of filler, which can be good or bad depending on your preferences)

I have complicated feelings about Baru Cormerant and recommend reading up on content warnings if things like violent homophobia and very intimate portrayals of being a colonized subject are things that would upset you. It felt a little too personal to my life for me to like... think it was "fun" or whatever like it felt uncomfortably personal (and also subjectively I didn't super enjoy the pacing of the latter 2 books) but it did make me feel a lot of things and think a lot of thoughts. if the blurb sounds like something you are interested in then I recomend giving it a shot and then you can decide what you think of it yourself

Ancillary justice book (liked this one a lot, but havent felt motivated to read the sequel)

Other fun Studio Trigger animes such as Promare, Cyberpunk 2077, Kill la Kill

Nausicaa and the valley of the wind manga (the movie is good but the manga spanned 10 years, is gorgeously rendered, and goes MUCH more in depth especially wrt climate philosophy and such)

Slay the Princess video game (on steam but also I got into it just by watching letsplays online. It's really good and REALLY interesting, i love how it uses the visual novel format to its story advantage to pull of some incredibly cool story twists. Highly recomend!)

I feel like I am forgetting things that made my brain zing. My childhood special interest was CATS the musical (stage play and 1998 recorded production) and i definitely got brain zing from that but I don't think it has a lot of taste overlaps with tlt. this post really went off the rails but in my defense, it is after midnight

#ask #anon #media blogging

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kedreeva · 8 months

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as someone who is ace and entering college years, how has your dating life been as an ace? what other struggles have there been that you have advice for? i dont know any aces or similar around me older or otherwise. thank you for your time and i hope you have an easy day!

Okay this will get a little long so I'll put it behind a cut

Honestly I'm probably not the best person to ask, since I never really...struggled? Not specifically with asexuality or with anything related to it. I can tell you my experiences, though, and you can decide if there's anything worthwhile to take away from it!

I grew up in a house run by science and math. I knew the prefix a- meant without/not and I knew there was heterosexual and bisexual and homosexual, so when young and, importantly, before really ever interacting with other queer folk, I went Ah ha, these are (prefix)(sexual) and so therefore I am asexual (without sexuality), and that was that. That was literally all the thought I gave to it. People had crushes on other people, I didn't have crushes on people, end of story. If, for some reason, I developed a crush on someone, I would deal with it then.

Maybeeeee midway through HS, a very good friend of mine asked me about it, and I said well, some people like everyone the same, and I dislike everyone the same. And she said well, then it sounds like you like everyone the same, that amount is just zero, so that seems like bisexual? (she didn't know the term asexual was an actual sexuality term either at that point, just the biological term for reproduction and, well, I could reproduce theoretically so couldn't be that) And I said well, alright then, and called myself bisexual for the next 6 or 7 years. THEN I found out asexuality is a sexuality not just a mode of reproduction and I said Ah Ha, I was Correct, and that was that again.

So I guess if I was offering advice it would be... you know you. Don't let someone else tell you about you if you think they're wrong. Make up a word if there isn't one. Use a new word if you find one that already exists and fits.

Also, that it's fine to not worry about it. Literally it's fine to just never think about it if you have better things to do. I think a lot of people get really wrapped up in finding the right label and/or "what happens if-" when like... you're not a canned good. You don't need a label. Worry about what-ifs when they come up, don't borrow anxiety if you can help it.

I dated a few people in HS, like... three people I think, and one Almost. One predatory mistake I thankfully recognized (HEY because I had older folks online I could talk to about it!) and got out of quickly, and one hot mess relationship that was a LOT of fun- my boyfriend, Sark, and then his ex-girlfriend, and then I stepped out so they could get back together, and then they said wait no, and invited me back in, and that went on for most of the end of HS, and nearly into college, when I stepped out again (and peacefully, I am still friends with both of them and I married Sark in the end). There was one guy whom I was always, perpetually, extremely fond of, and we hung out a lot, kissed once, and I think we would have had a lot of fun dating, but ultimately it was a near miss that became a fond memory, because we were never in the right place together. Sometimes life does that, and that's okay, too.

In college, I simply didn't date anyone. I had better things to do. I met my best friend, @idkfandomwhatever, online that year (and still talk to her almost daily, sometimes for hours, despite that we are on opposite sides of the world!!), and in person @mishapeep who was the best roomie I ever had (hi!!!!! i love you!!!). I had great friends, I went on a TON of adventures, worked a cool job where I had awesome coworkers, and just all around had a blast learning stuff and napping in sunbeams or on couches at the food court. A couple of guys made passes, and I turned them down because I just wasn't into it, and we remained friends. There was one coworker at my dispatch job that I got along with like a house on fire, and everyone ELSE thought we should be dating, but neither of us ever brought it up- I can't say why he didn't for sure, but I know I never brought it up because I was 85% sure he didn't swing for the right team to date me, which I ALSO never brought up until he found me on facebook years later to tell me about his husband running for local election somewhere. so. again, don't let anyone else tell you what to do lol there was ALSO another guy that I had NO interest in that spent a lot of time around me, but we mostly sat in my bunk watching Queer as Folk, which I KNOW was his first exposure to queer material. I never talked about queer stuff with him otherwise, but I heard from a mutual friend of ours that he's also happily married to his husband. Sometimes just being yourself, openly and without shame about it, does more than you think, even if it's not doing anything directly for you (but it is, it's good for you too).

SINCE college ended, I dated one guy I met through an online game and that was great in person briefly, but ultimately didn't work out because he couldn't be a nice person, another guy I met through the same online game and that didn't work out at ALL in person, and then I started hanging out with Sark and co again. I was on the phone with him driving somewhere, and I said something to the effect of someday you're gonna find a gf and she's not gonna want you to keep going on adventures with your ex, and we won't be able to talk anymore and I had a real recordscratch moment where I realized absolutely NOT on MY watch, I wanted that boy in my life forever actually, and we've been married now for... this is year 8.

I may have landed in a soft place, but I didn't seek it out. I just lived my life and didn't worry about my sexuality or about who I was or wasn't gonna date. When I DID date, I was up front about what I wanted from any of those relationships and part of the problem with the relationships that didn't work out was sometimes that I did not KNOW what I wanted, yet. But, it was IMPORTANT I think, that I gave the chances I did, because I did learn about myself and what I wanted. That's probably the hardest fucking thing to learn, that relationships sometimes happen not because they're likely to be permanent, but because it may be fun or be a way to learn what you do or don't want. Maybe alongside of that, the lesson that it's okay to go "hm, actually this is Not For Me" and exit peacefully whenever possible. But it's okay to give temporary things a shot and see how it goes, even knowing up front it may be temporary (honestly maybe that even takes some of the stress of it off? if you don't have to worry about it being forever, and you don't have to worry about "what if I never experience other things," and you don't worry so much about messing it up so it feels easier to take chances saying and doing stuff you might otherwise consider too risky to ask for etc).

I'm aware I'm lucky that things went pretty smoothly for my entire life so far, insofar as dating or sexuality is concerned. Part of that was definitely because even the worst of the people I dated weren't really all that bad of people. A lot of it was that I just didn't date if I didn't want to. I didn't care about sex, so I didn't have sex for the first time until a few years after college, and only one guy ever pushed the issue at all (the guy in HS I immediately dropped all contact with).

The thing is... I dated or nearly dated like ten people, flirted with countless others (because it's FUN), and the only one I still have regular contact with (not just occasional friendly hellos) is the one I kept at the end.

But the friends I made in college? I kept a lot of those. I still talk to several of my college friends on a regular basis. I have made other friends since, some of whom I talk to every day, some of whom have become irregular contacts I am still fond of. But those bonds are important and the ones you make with your friends from here out do have the potential to span at least huge chunks of your life, if not the entirety of it. If you only take away one thing from this little novel...take that knowledge.

also this has nothing to do with asexuality but for pete's sake find SOME kind of hobby club to be a part of, or make one if there isn't one, follow your stupidest instincts for adventure on occasion (like playing freeze tag frisbee in a lightning storm on the PAC lawn at 11pm until the campus cops show up to make you go home), and take at least one "fuck it this sounds fun" class. Mine was archery at 7am, the only early-morning class I ever took. Worth it, we were all TERRIBLE but god it was awesome.

Good luck out there!

#you are always welcome to come talk if you need to #asks or chats or whatever #I will not always have answers or advice but I can listen #asexuality #asks #stories about ked's life #I'm leaving this rebloggable because I KNOW there are older aces following me #and y'all have got stories to tell too if you want to speak up

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emi-writings · 2 months

Text

Just A Few C!Niki Headcanons:

Niki is a fallen angel, but prefers to just pass herself off as an avian hybrid, specifically a jackdaw hybrid, to most people. Only a few people know she’s actually a fallen angel and she prefers to keep it that way. She will playfully bat people over the head with her wings on occasion.

Niki’s eyes actually change colors depending on her mood and mental state.

Niki’s most preferred weapon to use in combat are spears. Spears simple to use and provide excellent reach, which is great for someone who can fly, as well as someone who doesn’t have as much reach as her enemies without it. They also pair nicely with her magical abilities. Also, it’s cool to imagine her with a spear, spears are very fun.

Despite preferring spears, Niki also learned how to use swords in combat thanks to Techno training her a few months before she joined L’manburg.

While she doesn’t have as much magic and abilities as a true angel, as a fallen angel Niki still has some abilities and magic. She has the ability to create and control fire. She also has the ability to dreamwalk – to enter other people’s dreams (this is kinda canon, but not as many people know about it so I’m listing it here as a headcanon).

She will play with lighters and candles when bored, mostly to either practice her fire magic, and sometimes to do some fire scrying. Sometimes, all she does is use her fire magic to light candles repeatedly, or she just flicks her lighter on and off again. She thinks fire is very pretty.

Niki is able to play a few instruments, her favorite and the one she is most skilled at is the lyre, though she can play a few other stringed instruments such as guitars and harps.

The reason why her L’manburg uniform is different is because she was the one who made her own, so she was allowed to pick the colors of her uniform.

While it’s canon that Niki has Wilbur’s coat, I like to think that she patched it up and embroidered. One of the things she used to patch up the coat was the remains of the first L’manburg flag, the one that she made, that got burned. She made a lot of subtle, symbolic choices with what she embroidered on the coat, though she doesn’t explain that to anyone.

Despite being prone to wearing cute and colorful outfits and her décor aesthetic being more cottagecore and fairycore, her favorite color is actually black.

When mentally okay, she is prone to stress baking. This usually results in a variety of things being baked, and she’ll continue to do it until she’s no longer stressed or she’s out of room to make more baked goods. When she’s not mentally healthy, she doesn’t bake at all, and her stress relief is often more destructive.

Niki really likes gardening and nature. This pairs nicely with her baking hobby, as she’ll use edible plants and flowers in her baking.

In terms of zodiac signs: Sun Sign is Sagittarius. Moon Sign is Cancer. Ascendant Sign Cancer. Mercury Sign is Sagittarius. Venus Sign is Virgo. Mars Sign is Gemini. Jupiter Sign is Sagittarius. And that’s as far as I got before I gave up on researching zodiac signs, but I think that’s a fair amount for the sake of fun shenanigans in fics.

Her chat manifests as soulfire that flickers and dances around her sometimes. She tries not to make it obvious she can hear the souls in soulfire, because she doesn’t want to freak anyone out.

Niki is an absolute bisexual disaster, and this is especially obvious when she sees women kicking ass. Something about women being powerful and strong makes her heart speed up.

#niki nihachu #nihachu #dsmp niki #dsmp nihachu #I don't go into details on explanations of any of these because I didn't want this to be too long #but for most of them I have reasons and explanations behind them #I made this because most of the time when I see people listing c!niki heacanons #it's on a list with other characters and the men always get double the attention as she does #or it's by herself but her headcanons are all about male characters

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vergess · 2 months

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Okay actually I would LOVE to hear your summary of what the Dresden Files like. actually is, as a series. Because every so often some guy will demand that I read it while insisting it's Superior Literature and the best fantasy series ever (unless maybe second to Lord of the Rings, but usually not even that)

They also like to insist that well of COURSE the main character is extra sexist and never improves but it's a FLAW, the AUTHOR knows it's wrong, therefore girls should LOVE reading his sexism. So like I was not buying this any degree to begin with, but I would love to know what's actually going on here

Bro, these books are Bad(tm). Do not fucking buy them. I cannot in good conscience suggest anyone read them, ever. But I especially, immensely cannot recommend purchasing them. This is "skulking around the library not making eye contact" material.

These are bodice rippers For Men(TM).

They're also, (and for obvious reasons they aren't advertised like this) High Camp Melodrama Fantasy Where Everyone Is Bisexual. But I repeat myself.

With that in mind, they are easily the best written urban fantasy fetish pornography I've ever seen outside AO3, and frankly better than most of that stuff too. It's just... you need to be aware going in that these are serialized porn mags. They happen to have exceptionally written combat and freakishly well considered fantasy elements, but they nonetheless use the same racial and sexual shorthands seen in the bulk of heteronormative, white gaze pornography.

Also, the main guy is an obnoxious asshole on purpose from second one and he does not ever let up on this, so if you don't immediately get along with his sense of humour walk away.

Now as for whatever dipshitted asshole is telling you they're superior literature.... mmmm.... no.

They're REALLY GOOD porn. I understand how really good porn is going to emotionally confuse the highly repressed (and oh BOY do these books appeal to the repressed) into a sort of pavlovian "this is the best thing ever" response.

But like, mmmmm no.

If you do elect to read these books, I suggest casting the main guy with a Black actor in your head. That change alone makes the immense amount of police presence and abuse more palatable.

OH THE COP SHIT

I FORGOT TO MENTION THE COP SHIT

Absolutely bonkers copaganda levels.

Also, the books were um.... progressive for 2005. They are not progressive for 2024. Let's put it like this; Supernatural (TV series) was a contemporaneous peer in the same genre. If you are damned set on subjecting yourself to one of these White Boy Monster Serials, pick this one at least it fucks.

Nevertheless, the writing is surprisingly charming, the Christian fantasy elements are genuinely competitive in a post-LOTR world, and the fetish shit is fucking immaculate.

I don't think Jim Butcher is aware he's written fetish porn, but whatever, he's REALLY good at it. I cannot recommend the sex scenes and the combat highly enough.

It's just unfortunate about the everything else.

Did I mention they're Christian fantasy elements? They are. They really really really aggressively are. These books are set in a Christian-centric universe and they do NOT let you forget that. There's like... so many Christian angels in this shit.

Anyway, if you choose to join me on this cursed journey (do not join me on this cursed journey), some other stuff to note:

Lots of underage and youth fetishism

Like, I cannot emphasize enough how hot and cool all The Youths think the Main Guy is and how aggressively the book lusts-and-guilts-in-turn over The Youths

So, so, SO much incest

Gay incest also

Mafia wedding guy is there, the guy from all the mafia wedding fics on wattpad, he's canonically the main guy's soulmate (no homo) (unless..?)

Main guy has too many soulmates btw, several are gay and some are blood relations, but most are muscular blonde women because he has a serious muscle fetish; fuckin gym gay behaviours

Undiagnosed bisexuality on the majority of the characters (I'm calling it; Jim Butcher thinks bisexuality is the normal POV and this is totally how Normal Guys talk about each other's dicks)

Exorbitant amounts of racism, some of which is "on purpose" and the most of which is horrifically unremarked upon; includes plenty of racial stereotypes. Nevertheless, the cast is diverse enough (outside the circle of main love interests) that these stereotypes can come up at all, so weigh that carefully

Special shoutout to the first major love interest, a Latina woman who dies spectacularly halfway through the series after having the main guy's secret baby

Extremely confusing relationship to psychosis as a mental illness

Melodrama that would make the desperate housewives sit back and stare

Fascinatingly good about homophobia actually, in that queerbaity 2005 way

*slaps the main guy like he's a car* You can fit so much dysphoria in this cis guy

In conclusion: I see why so many AMAB bisexuals of various genders who were part of the target demo latched the fuck on to this series so hard. I myself was fooled into believing these books were "for" Straight Men, and to be clear they are. But they're also Pulpy Gay Camp Bullshit that we the faggots of the world deserve to mutilate and recreate in our own image.

Together, I believe we could fix them.

Oh right, the plot:

The Main Guy, Harry Dresden, is a private detective Wizard Cop (serial plot is investigation based) who may also be the chosen one destined to defeat some elder gods (long term plot), and along the way starts several major supernatural wars and at least 2 arms races.

#Asks #Answered asks #firecoloredwater #The Dresden Files #I could fix him (the series)

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aingeal98 · 3 months

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Hi, so I was reading some of your Stephanie Brown meta & kudos, serious props yours is excellent. I also noticed you seem to be among those who picked up on the worrying undercurrent of Stephanie's relationships with older men. So double kudos for that.

Especially as its one of those things that tends to get glossed over in fandom & I am unsure at times if some writers even grasped what they were doing. Though that may say more about how girls tend to be treated/viewed as adults rather than children, teenagers or victims, save when its convenient to judge them as such.

Sorry not sure where I am going with this, but I think your stance it from that "Five ships that won't happen" section of the Steph ask as well thought out and covered a lot, so third kudos just for tackling that heavy topic so deftly and efficiently.

Ah thank you! Stephanie's relationship with men is so fascinating to me because she's been hurt so many times and the dissonance between her canon and fanon versions are pretty grim yet interesting. Like in early canon she was the Faith to Ariana's Buffy, the Veronica to the Bettys that were Tim's other love interests at the time. And various writers had various ideas about why she was the way she was, a common theme being that she had difficult relationships with the men in her life and had been hurt in the past. Be it a villain, a friend of her fathers, Cluemaster himself, or a shitty clearly too old guy named Dean. I don't think it was meant to be a pattern, more likely just individual ideas about trauma Steph suffered in her past that ended up turning into a consistent trait.

So you've got an abusive father, at least two cases of SA that I can remember (her babysitter and Black Mask), a pregnancy with clear subtext that the father was older than her, and the general way Batman treats her.

Not to mention she was a minor when all this happened. Like Steph has so many issues that she deserves the chance to unpack but instead they've just kind of... softened her down. Like her Batgirl run was the first chance she'd gotten to be the actual hero instead of The Girl in a story written by sexists, and she deserved every second of that. There had been too much injustice done to her character and her Batgirl run did a good job at setting the baseline for giving her a decent narrative. But afterwards, the New 52 could have delved more into her psyche instead of leaning into her waffles and sparkles fanon characterization. But because the New 52 is the worst, it didn't. And now here we are.

It's one of the reasons I'd really love to write a story about Steph realising she's bisexual, because I think in some ways her view of men are due to feeling trapped by heterosexuality and the patriarchal society. It's hard to explain fully without going into a whole other meta but the way she reacts to Tim showing her bare minimum decency is heartbreaking. Like yes men are awful and have been awful to her but she still likes them, she's going to settle down and marry one eventually right? She just has to find the right one, and Tim didn't treat her like complete garbage so he might be it for her!

And then for her to realise that no, she doesn't. She can marry a man if she wants to but if she wants romance there's also women... I really think bi Steph could be so much more than a simple "Oh hey I like girls now cool lol." Like it would shake a significant amount of the misogyny she's internalised and directed towards herself, it could alter the view she's taken of the world, and it would allow her to see her past trauma through a different lens, maybe with less subconscious self hatred.

Sorry this turned into a giant ramble haha, but thank you for the ask!

#dc #stephanie brown #dc rambles #asks

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blubushie · 7 months

Note

Are there some things you dislike about fans' interpretation of the other mercs?

Yeah uh. This is long so it's under the cut. Whole TF2 fandom boutta be like 2Fort on my arse.

I hate how people make Medic "evil". He's fun and goofy and likes doing experiments and he'll betray the people paying him for the sake of his long-time coworkers who he's mates with. He's not evil, he's not manipulative, outsmarting the LITERAL DEVIL doesn't make you a bad person. There is literally nothing in canon to point to Medic being evil except MAYBE stealing a bloke's spine (coulda been dark humour for all we know) and turning a criminal into a sentient pumpkin, which is something that Engie HELPED HIM DO but no one goes around calling him evil. Medic is chaotic good or chaotic neutral, he is not evil.

The amount of people who are downright racist about Demo, or the amount of people who reduce his addiction to the butt of a joke. There's a lot of shit that I notice. They act like Demo isn't fiercely loyal—look at his relationship to his mum). They act like he's lazy because he's an alcoholic—HE HAS 3 JOBS AND WANTS MORE, HE WASN'T LAZY IN THE COMICS HE WAS DEPRESSED BECAUSE HE LOST ALL HIS MATES. On the other end of the coin, you have people insisting that Demo's alcoholism isn't as bad as it actually is, as if substance abuse is a fucking moral failing and they can't have their blorbo be a bad person by just letting him be the alcoholic he's shown to be in canon.

As an intersex man: do not get me fucking started on the amount of intersex+NB headcanons I've seen of Pyro. People need to realise that like the rest of the human population, most intersex people are cis, that gender is not equivalent to sex, and that EVERY intersex character being non-binary promotes a harmful stereotype. Actually I'll be honest—I side-eye EVERY intersex Pyro headcanon what's made by a perisex person. Most the time they give off massive virtue signal vibes and I really don't like how the second you can't clearly determine someone's gender people immediately go "ah, intersex" like we're all visually androgynous. I also don't like how the person MOST OTHERED ON THE TEAM is always given the intersex headcanon. It doesn't make me feel represented, it makes me feel like everyone already seems me as an other and that's all I'll ever be.

People who act like the pronoun police and insist Pyro's pronouns are they/them. Canonically Pyro is always and consistently referred to as he/him except when he's being dehumanised by his own team and called it. It's cool if you headcanon Pyro as using they/them, just remember it ISN'T CANON and you shouldn't be getting on people's arse about non-canon pronouns. What are you a cop?

On a similar vein, the amount of people who infantilise Pyro. Pyro was literally the CEO OF A COMPANY who was responsible for RECORD PROFITS OF THAT COMPANY. Pyro is an adult. People assume that because Pyro hallucinates or enjoys "childish" things that it means Pyro's a child. Please be fucking normal about mental illness, my god.

People who make Scout transfem for the sole purpose of shipping Scout with Pauling, worse even if they outright make it so that Scout transitioned SPECIFICALLY to hook up with Pauling. You realise that you're enforcing TERF "all transfems are predatory and transition just to get chicks/transfem lesbians are just straight men" rhetoric right? Please tell me you're aware. People who make Scout transfem for reasons beside this (ie you just like transfem Scout) and still hook her up with Pauling for fun, I love you and this post is not about you. <3

People who ignore Medic's likely bisexuality in favour of writing him as a strictly gay male. Bi erasure is fucking real lads. If you have the view that Demo was talking out his arse and didn't actually shag Medic's wife cuz he's not even married, cool ok. I'm talking about the people who insist Medic's wife was his beard.

People who act like the ship police with Pauling's sexuality when her being a lesbian was something mentioned in one tweet on Twitter by Jay, not approved by Valve, and never referenced in the source material (outside of MAYBE how she stared at Zhanna while she was fighting robots, but that facial expression could also be interpreted as impressed or "so horrified she can't look away". Especially when she outright agreed to go on a second date with Scout in Expiration Date. If you headcanon her as a lesbian, cool! Just don't enforce it on other people and give them flak for shipping her with non-women characters. This applies to people aggressively enforcing Medic's sexuality as well. What are you a cop?

How the character people trans the most is the white skinny twink, white skinny otter, or white wolf. Why not Demo? Trans people of colour exist too. I can count the trans Demo headcanons I've seen on one hand. Why not Heavy? Why not Heavy? You know fat trans people exist too right?

My family is southern and half the time people don't know what the fuck goes on down south. Tell me you've never been to a cookout without telling me you've never been to a cookout. They either write him as too northern/coasty and only enforce the "stereotype" southern aspects of him, or they write him as racist/homophobic/transphobic/etc because he's southern. Luckily the latter gets a LOT of pushback on Tumblr so I haven't seen it much, but it's more prevalent on Twitter and fanfic sites.

People conveniently ignoring how Heavy's father was killed and his family was imprisoned by the USSR so they can call him a communist. Lol what. I get that you hate capitalism but you realise there's more options than just capitalism vs communism vs socialism right? That you can hate/dislike communism without also being a capitalist? Heavy would not support communism after what the USSR did to his family in the name of communism because his father was a counter-revolutionary. Also people ignoring WHY Heavy's father was killed, and how his father having different politics got his whole family, including innocent children chucked to a GULAG IN SIBERIA where they were starved and constantly abused by the guards, and how even after their escape the government continued to hunt them with the intent of killing them. He would not be a communist. He probably sees a hammer and sickle in his fucken nightmares.

Spy being evil and an arsehole. You know his schtick is the suave gentleman right? He's cool but he also has to be cringefail. And arsehole is a far cry from a gentleman.

People making Soldier a bigot. Har har I know it's funny to joke about the bloke obsessed with America being a bigot, but do you honestly think he cares enough? He's xenophobic at worst. Everyone is assumed to be American and his best mate is a black Scottish cyclops. Half the time I'm convinced you people want Soldier to be a bigot so you can write bigoted shit and not cop shit cuz it's coming out of his mouth.

Carrying on from prev, the amount of people I've seen use the time setting as an excuse to be bigoted towards the characters. This is ESPECIALLY prevalent where it seems like every story-focussed fic of Demo has a scene where someone is being racist to him and he Heroically Sticks Up For Himself or someone else sticks up for him to show How Much They Don't Care About Being Seen With A Black Man (usually it's Soldier, sometimes it's Sniper). You realise everyone knows racism is bad, right? That that's really not necessary? It wouldn't be an issue if it wasn't in EVERY FIC but it's like the author always needs to proudly claim themselves Not Racist while writing REALLY RACIST SHIT directed at the ONE CONFIRMABLE MAN OF COLOUR on the team just so they can yell "RACISM BAD but here's me jumping at the opportunity to call a man of colour a racial slur".

Well, reckon that about covers her...

#blu whos #abad #tf2

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novelconcepts · 9 months

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Another year, another absurd amount of books read (296, because if I wasn't reading or writing this year, my brain was on fire). I was asked again for my top books of the year, so here we go: 2023's top 10, in no particular order.

This was the first book I read of the year--literally, vacated the hangout with my wife and sibling-in-laws to sit on their couch upstairs and eat through it. Do you love The Fall of the House of Usher, but wish for a nonbinary protagonist and a lot more mushrooms? This is the book for you! (T. Kingfisher is fucking rad, I made a concerted effort to only list ONE of her books on here, but honorable mention goes to The Twisted Ones for fucking me upppp.)

A gay, post-apocolyptic Pinocchio retelling involving copious robots, found family elements, and a cool-ass treehouse. Klune always hits for me with his unrepentant queer family dynamics and sense of humor. Honorable mention to the first two in the Green Creek series (although that's got a lot more...adult elements in among the werewolves, you've been warned).

I thiiiink I found this through The Homo Schedule podcast (PSA: if you missed out on Jasmin Savoy Brown and Liv Hewson doing a podcast together, now you know better), and it wrecked my shit. Tons of trigger warnings, as this is a memoir about abuse within a queer relationship, but it's so beautifully written. I personally suggest listening to the audiobook first, then standing anxiously behind someone at a book warehouse sale, hoping they'll set down the only paperback copy so you can swipe it.

A fantastical-historical reimagining in which the KKK is filled with literal monsters, and Black women are resistance fighters armed to take them out. Visceral and intense, and truly an excellent horror story.

Just. Such a soft time travel story about a daughter and her father and cherishing the time you get with loved ones. I was thoroughly unprepared for how lovely I found this one. It's very kind.

Spooky house, take-no-shit redhead, protective sibling elements, bisexual recluse with a sword who really just needs a nap. I haven't found a Harrow book yet I haven't slapped five stars on. She's so good at character and atmosphere, and I'm always surprised at how fast her stories race by.

The whole Daevabad trilogy (of which this is the first book) is just magical. A girl from the mortal world finds herself embroiled with the centuries-long prejudices and wars of djinn in a fantastical city. It's one of the rare stories of its kind that does have a love triangle, but doesn't feel like a love triangle; it's far less interested in the insufferable "who gets picked" than it is in the actual horrors these people are both perpetrating and coping with. It's an intoxicating ride.

Fuck You, TERFS: the book. Given that fact, there's obviously quite a lot of transphobia to deal with, but it's very clear that those people are wrong, and it's a super-engaging (and super-oh-god-what-comes-next) witchy time populated with queer, protective, interesting characters I'm excited to see again in the follow-up.

Have you ever wanted a haunted house story with visceral imagery and a rather lovely twist? Gailey has you covered. As much as I enjoyed The Echo Wife, I think I actually loved this one more, and it makes me so excited to see what else they've got up their sleeve.

One of my final reads for the year, when I was just churning through hardcovers at the speed of sound. I love this book. I recognize it won't be for everyone, but it takes so much of what I love about IT (one of my all-time favorite books, despite its flaws) and twists it through the lens of an author who escaped the Mormon church. It's horrific, it's fantastically abstract in places, it explores childhood and memory, imagination and abuse, and almost every character is queer. It's a great "I simply cannot sleep until I've finished" read.

#long post #book recs #t kingfisher #tj klune #carmen maria machado #p djeli clark #emma straub #alix e harrow #s.a. chakraborty #juno dawson #sarah gailey #kiersten white #plenty of others could go on this list as well but i figured i'd keep it to ten this time around #still can't believe i read just shy of 300 books in a year #bonus shoutout to the animorphs series all of which is out on audiobook now (the main books anyway)#and which honestly really do hold up well

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ghostsandfools · 3 months

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Pride month is officially over everyone, and I just wanted to say...

YOU'RE STILL AWESOME! And you still deserve to be proud and loved and honored even if it isn't pride month anymore.

There's A LOT under the cut, be warned.

All you gay guys out there are AMAZING! I hope you're doing okay. I hope you're having fun. I hope life is well. Don't ever let anyone make fun of you for being gay, don't be ashamed, OWN IT! You're amazing and you should be proud.

Lesbians, that goes for you too! I how your doing woman loving WODERFULLY! You're so cool. Doesn't matter what kind of lesbian you are, femme, masc, non-binary, you're all valid and awesome!

Bisexuals, you exist and you're cool as hell. I hope you're doing good. Don't ever feel like you have to pick a side or you're just confused, I know there's been a lot of biphobia going around even within the queer community but don't let it get to you! You're valid! And we love you <3

Pansexuals, I hope you're doing PANTASITIC (I hate myself). I hope everything is going good and I hope you all have had a wonderful pride. You're all super cool and I'm so sorry for the amount of frying pan jokes you've probably heard over the past month.

Omnisexual, you too! Just the word omnisexual sounds cool as hell. I hope you've been okay, I know omnisexuals and pansexuals get confused for each other quite a bit, but you're unique and you're valid, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Asexuals, hi! I hope you're doing well. Be proud, don't let the aphobia get to you! Because you are ALL valid. This one is for everyone on the ace spectrum. You're sex-repulsed? VALID! I hope you're doing well. You're sex neutral? Cool! You're awesome. You have sex regularly and enjoy it? Awesome! You can still be a valid asexual, don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise. You're demisexual, graysexual, or another sexuality on the ace spectrum? That's wonderful! I love you all.

Aromantic people, no matter what part of the spectrum you're on, you're valid too! Even if you're in a romantic relationship, you're still valid! It's a spectrum for a reason. I hope you're all doing amazing, no matter what.

Non-Binary folks, hello! I hope you're doing well and you've had lots of good luck. I know, at least where i live, it can be difficult to find places that affirm your identity. There are barely any gender neutral bathrooms, most job resumes/surveys only add male and female options, people assume gender ALL THE TIME. It sucks. But I hope you've been staying strong despite all that, and I hope the world can get better. Remember you're all valid! Even if you don't "look non-binary", even if you choose to dress traditionally masculine or feminine, even if you use neopronouns or pronouns other than they/them, even if you don't have an androgynous name, you're all still non-binary, be proud!

Trans boys, we love you. You're awesome, you're strong, you're amazing, and I hope everything's alright! Never let anyone tell you how you have to present. If you don't wanna bind your chest, you don't have to. If you can't afford medicine or surgeries, that's okay. If you still wanna dress femininely, you can! You're a real man and the queer community wouldn't be the same without you.

Trans girls, the same to you! You don't have to present super femininely if you don't wanna, you're a real woman no matter what. I hope you're staying safe. I know trans women are often a scapegoat (aka. "Trans women will assault 'real women' in restrooms!"), but we know the truth. You're awesome, and please stay safe out there <3

Polyamorous people, I see you! I might be one of you but idk yet I'm still figuring stuff out- ANYWAYS! You are real. You don't have to choose one person, I promise. I grew up with parents that were really against polyamory for some reason, and I just don't get it. You can love multiple people, you are valid, and I hope you can find a partner/partners who accept you and love you for who you are.

Unlabeled people, happy pride! Be proud of yourself, you're super cool. You don't have to be anything, you can just be you. You belong here, and the queer community accepts you and loves you for who you are.

OKAY. That was a lot, but we still have more to go! I'm not gonna say as much about the next ones for the sake of my own sanity, I've already been writing this for a while. So, LIGHTNING ROUND!

Genderfluid people, I love you. You're awesome and I see you, don't let anybody tell you you've gotta pick a side.

Demi boys/Demi girls, HI! I remember you, and I love you. I hope you had a good pride month!

Agender people, hell yeah for you!

Intersex people, don't think I'd forget you! You're part of pride too and anyone who says otherwise is dumb. You're awesome.

Abrosexual and abromantic people, you're wonderful <3

Polysexual people, you're cool!

Trixic and toric people y'all are awesome!

Enbian people, you're amazing and also your flag is really goddamn cool, I don't see enough people bringing up the enbian flag istg-

Uranic people, you're marvelous.

Neptunic people I'M ONE OF YOU, I SEE YOU! HI! HELLO! If there are any other neptunic people here hi omg I've never met another one-

ANYWAYs. That was a lot. There were a lot of orientations I didn't mention, but there are so many ways to describe your unique sexual orientation, and you can express gender in so many different ways, and my hands really hurt. So if I didn't mention you, I'm sorry, but it doesn't mean you aren't valid or that i forgot you!

I love all of you. Just because pride month is over doesn't mean you're forgotten or loved any less. I hope you all have a wonderful, WONDERFUL rest of your year, and I wish you all good luck <3

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razorblade180 · 11 months

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Aether headcanon because why not?

Actually enjoys fishing

Has a mean competitive streak after several losses in TCG

Paimon braids his hair in the morning if he’s too sleepy to do so

Kinda introverted but was forced to be more outgoing after losing Lumine

Likes quietness in the daytime, but not a fan of it at night.

Enjoys quality with close ones. Even if it’s sitting in a room doing nothing

An actual menace to society when around his sister or someone he’s very comfortable

Likes the feeling of being sore

The right corner of his lip bleeds when he’s hyper focused in a fight because he’s biting the inside. He’s trying to stop

Enjoys light rain.

Favorite Teyvat meal is Kaeya’s specialty and Noelle’s specialty.

Sneaks off sometimes to fight abyss mages as a way of “blowing off steam”

His personality changes ever so slightly depending on alignment. No one is certain if it’s to reflect the archons or if it’s a deeper meaning

Anemo Aether is pretty casual and curious. Easily the most extroverted demeanor.

Geo Aether can be a bit more blunt (heh) as well as focused. Tends to be a little more imposing.

Electro Aether takes the least amount of bullshit and less forgiving temperament. Not the biggest fan of being looked down on and ready to put someone in their place.

Dendro Aether holds the most outward joy. Someone might mistake him for some kind of fairy or spirit when he’s playing with Aranara. Pretty reckless yet adept.

Hyrdo Aether is calm and pretty resilient. Kinda emotional but fairly good at keeping it in check. Fairly easy to agitate in comparison to the rest aside from Electro. Empathetic from all the emotional people and it kinda stinks.

Is awake more than he sleeps but also known for having many napping spots.

Questionable choice in men some would say.

Amazing choice in women, others might say.

Bisexual and polygamy enthusiasts

Gave Paimon her own house in the teapot

Not a big climbing fan.

Has a low energy day like every two weeks. Sometimes less. Very much relates with Kokomi.

Slight fear of lighting after fighting Raiden.

Thinks often about Jeht and the adventurer from The Chasm.

Claims the world changes or grows bigger than he remembers. Paimon never believes him outright.

Can’t get enough of Albedo’s company.

A little envious of Diluc’s high ponytail

Would actually commit atrocities if someone hurt Paimon.

The automatic big brother to every child and the feisty lion cub to Dehya and Jean.

Has accidentally called Ningguang “mom.” Will not talk about. She actually found it quite endearing.

Will die, fight, and live for Collei in any given situation. She is cherished at all times.

Tends to usually drink around Beidou, Venti, Eula, and Rosaria. Its a swell time.

Everyone claims he clearly has a slight accent that gives away he’s not really from here. Aether doesn’t hear it at all.

Will occasionally do something dramatic enough like scream in a secluded forest or attempt to cut his hair just to get Lumine to show up for like five minutes. She won’t tell him anything but that’s no excuse to not hug him.

Enjoys quality time with Lynette.

Makes two separate birthday cakes for Ei and Makoto.

60% a cat person. 40% dog person.

Knows a little archery thanks to Amber

May or may not own an Inazuma wanted poster of himself because it looked cool.

Actually has standard Favonious armor, Watasumi military garb, and a suit with shades after helping Navia.

#genshin impact #genshin headcanons #gi aether

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cantfuckbracket · 1 year

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Can't Fuck Bracket - Group Stage. Group 28: Characters That Inspired Paragraphs

Jiang Cheng (MDZS/The Untamed) versus Bertrand Beaumont (The Royal Romance) versus Joe Goldberg (You)

[ID: The unfuckable pride flag overlaid with the "no bitches" meme. Jiang is a Chinese man with long hair, shown with a woozy face; Bertrand is a white man in a sweater and blazer, frowning; Joe is a white man with short hair, shown staring blankly. Over it are pictures of the contestants. Over them are sparkles and a heart with a butt, and in between them are peach emojis crossed out with the word "vs" in them. End ID]

Propaganda:

Jiang Cheng: "He’s literally such a bad date that he is blacklisted from dating pools. He’s ranked as the 5th most handsome bachelor in the cultivation world (who is the panel of judges that decide this? I really don’t know!!!) yet despite this and him ALSO being rich and powerful on top of that, women still hate him!!! Hes just that unpleasant!!!!! He’s constantly being one-upped by his adoptive brother (deserved) (4th most handsome bachelor, btw) so much so that it’s become a meme, he even lost a best mdzs character poll tournament (in the first round iirc) to said adoptive brother’s pet donkey. Literally no one wants him!!!!! He is the loneliest saddest most pathetic sopping wet cat of a man I’ve ever seen!! I’m convinced he will die a virgin" / "Guy has no game, in the drama version (the untamed) he goes after a chick who’s clearly a lesbian and just never gets any"

Bertrand Beaumont:

• like father like son innit

• he's a cunt but not in a cool sexy way. in a pathetic overgrown rat kind of way that makes you want to punt him back into the sewers

• his name is bertrand archibald beaumont. would YOU wanna fuck him???? i thought not

• the amount of times you have to help him with his relationship. like the countless apologies for being a dumb stupid shit. helping him propose. help with his vows. im 110% convinced mc had to get on video chat for their wedding night so she could instruct bertrand on what to do

• yeeeeah you can't convince me they dont sleep in separate beds in separate rooms

• and also that nasty sweater vest and jacket?????? i know he hasnt washed them in years. of course no one would go near him

• that one country outfit

• killer eyebrows? eye'm gonna kill meself x

Joe Goldberg: "The first time he gets to fuck a woman that he's stalked he finishes in like 2 seconds. Never appears to be any better at fucking any of the countless times he fucks after that. I bet his dick feels like a limp fish. Also got arrested for having sex in a public place and constantly jacks off in public like I think if you were any good at sex you wouldnt need to be doing that. Tried to have a bisexual foursome once to get his wife to leave him and he wimped out so hard at the idea of fucking another man even though he is arguably bisexual himself. The most sexual tension he ever actually had was with a hallucination of another man he had in his own head. Just kind of pathetic"

#the untamed #mo dai zu shi #mdzs #jiang cheng #playchoices #the royal romance #trr #bertrand beaumont #you #you netflix #joe goldberg #polls #thank you drinkingteainthedark for the picture of jiang #thank you dogtheories for the picture of joe

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actualalligator · 7 months

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Okay I'll be nice. And only request one. (for now....)

“Well, I’m sorry I fell in love with you, okay? But it happened and I can’t do shit about it.” “You… What?”

Among all the things that felt right about the coma, there were a few that stood out the most as wrong to Buck. Yes, he finally had the parents he had always wanted, and he'd saved the person he'd been born to save, but it came at the cost of having to look at Doug Kendall's face knowing how he treated Maddie. It came at the cost of Jee-Yun, of Bobby, of Eddie, of Christopher. Hen and Chimney as strangers. Yes, he had the perfect blood family he'd been desperate for for as long as he could remember, but he didn't have the family he built, the family that saw him for everything he was and still wanted him.

He thought of Eddie. They were both finally in a good place. Or they had been. Eddie was back with the 118 where he belonged. He was doing well. Buck thought he was, too. Buck couldn't say how long he'd been in love with Eddie. It felt like breathing now, easy, part of his everyday life. He knew Eddie loved him. They were best friends. They were partners. But he wanted Eddie to love him. Like Buck loved Eddie. Like he could spend the rest of his life by Eddie's side and never need anybody else. How disaster bisexual of him to fall in love with his straight best friend.

Still, he'd rather stay his best friend, quietly in love, than live in any world without him.

There were a lot of reasons Buck couldn't stay with his parents and Daniel, and love motivated every one of them.

Two months into that relationship, it felt like he woke up, and he quickly learned he was somewhere he didn't want to be.

After, everyone treated Buck like he was delicate. "You died," they said. How many times did he have to hear it? He knew! He knew he died. And he'd felt strange since then. He felt different, but he couldn't articulate how. And it felt like everyone just wanted him to be that golden retriever of a man he'd always been. What if he didn't know how to do that anymore?

He clung to Natalia. She didn't know him before. There was nothing to compare him to. He got to be whoever this new him was, right? But she thought his death was cool. She asked questions at first, ones he didn't really want to answer. And she'd talk about it with some amount of reverance. Sometimes, he wanted to scream that it happened to him, not her.

He'd pulled hard away from his family, the one he'd come back for, and clung to this person who had no expectations of who he'd been before. But he was still that person. He was still Buck. And he realized that Natalia didn't really know Buck. She knew whoever he'd spent months trying to be. He'd stood in a graveyard and told Eddie that it felt like she saw him. But that wasn't true. No, Natalia didn't see him at all.

Buck broke up with Natalia. He knew he hurt her. She was upset and blindsided, but Buck couldn't keep pretending he was someone else.

He sat alone on the steps of his loft for a long time after that.

And then he got up and he went to work. Eddie started dating Marisol the same time Buck had gotten with Natalia. She was nice. They went on a double date about three weeks in but hadn't seen much of each other since then. She made Eddie laugh. When the music came up loud at the place where the four had met for dinner, she pulled Eddie to the dance floor and kept pace the whole time. And Eddie could dance. Buck had wished more than once to be his partner, but his body didn't move like that. He was a clumsy white boy with no rhythm, and Eddie looked like he was made to be out on the dance floor.

Marisol made Eddie happy. Buck had to respect that. After he broke up with Natalia, Buck tried to mend the bridges he'd started to let rot. His family understood. They welcomed him home with open arms.

"You needed time," Maddie said. "You went through something, and you needed time. We understood."

He joined the Diaz household for movie nights and for video games. They made pizza. They went to the zoo. But it was always a party of four now. Eddie and Marisol. Buck and Christopher. There were days that left Buck desperate for even an ounce of Eddie's attention. He would leave that house feeling angry, feeling lonely. And he realized he would need to move on from Eddie if he was ever going to be happy. Eddie was happy. Marisol made him happy.

Buck needed to find his happy, too. Right after he died, when he'd been clinging to Natalia and the freedom he felt she represented, Buck hadn't meant to pull back from his family. It hadn't been an active thing. It happened.

Pulling away from Eddie, however, that he was doing on purpose. He filled his time with other things. With other people. Jee, Maddie, Chim, Bobby, and Athena. He tried to do a weekly meal with Hen and Karen. He filled his life so there wasn't room to miss Eddie. He still missed him, but he never had to lie when he declined an invitation. He would jump at the chance to hang with Christopher whenever Eddie and Marisol wanted to do something, but he rarely spent time with all three of them. And it was fine. Or it would be. Buck would take the space and time he needed to get over Eddie Diaz, and then he could be a good friend again. "Hey," Eddie said in the parking lot. He had his bag slung over his shoulder. He reached out and laid his hand on Buck's arm. "Christopher is at a sleepover tonight. Come watch movies. You haven't been over in ages."

81 days, actually. Not quite three months. That's how long it had been since they hung out. He'd been at the Diaz house, but with Christopher almost every other week for date night, but he hadn't spent more than half an hour in Eddie's house with him in 81 days. Buck thought he shouldn't know that number, but he did.

"Can't tonight," Buck said, unlocking his jeep. He pulled from Eddie's grasp and tossed his bag inside.

"What the fuck have I done?" Eddie asked, following him.

Buck didn't look at him. "You haven't done anything. I have plans tonight."

"You always have plans with everybody but me. Hell, you make plans with my kid, but you won't make plans with me. It's really starting to piss me off, Buck. What did I do?" Eddie demanded.

Buck pinched the bridge of his nose. He still won't look at Eddie. "I told you. You didn't do anything."

"So you just decided to stop hanging out with me three months ago for what? For fun? What a good fucking friend you are." Eddie checked him with hard with shoulder and turned to walk away. "I deserve more than that. You should have been a better friend."

Buck rocked slightly on his feet, glaring at Eddie’s back. Months of pent of feeling, of anger, of sadness, and feelings of being left behind welled to the surface and exploded out of him before he could stop it. “Well, I’m sorry I fell in love with you, okay? But it happened and I can’t do shit about it.”

Eddie froze. “You… What?”

Buck should have shut up. He should have stopped, got in his jeep and left. But he didn't. "It hurts, Eddie. It hurts, and you're happy. I just need to be able to get over you so I can be your friend again, so I can be happy for you in your relationship without wondering why you can't love me." He stepped back, stumbling over his own feet and back into his jeep. He furiously scrubbed at his wet eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Forget it," Buck said. "Forget it. Forget I said anything."

He climbed into his jeep and was quick to escape, leaving Eddie standing there in the parking lot. He didn't even get his seatbelt on until he was two blocks away from the firehouse.

When he got to the loft, he canceled his plans with Maddie and collapsed face first onto his bed. He cried a little. He dozed a little. He disassociated little. And then he felt someone sit down on his bed.

He groaned and buried his head in his arms. "Maddie, everything is fucked up and everything is bad, but I just need to wallow for one night. Let me wallow, please."

"I broke up with Marisol," said decidedly not Maddie.

Buck froze. He slowly turned his head so he could peek at Eddie. He was sitting with his hands folded in his lap, his head down.

"She made you happy." His voice cracked as he said it.

Eddie looked over. "You make me happy, Buck. Well, not recently, but usually. I only started dating Marisol because you sounded so serious about Natalia. She saw you. I thought I needed to move on."

Buck stared at him. "You love me?"

Eddie nodded.

"Since when?" Buck asked.

"Are you really sorry you fell in love with me?" And the question is scared in a way Buck isn't used to hearing from Eddie.

Eddie's shoes hit the floor with a loud thud and he pulled his legs up onto the bed. "Maybe after the tsunami. It's hard to tell because it went from this is my best friend to this is my person. But I knew the day you broke down my bedroom door. I just... I knew I needed to get my head right first."

Buck hid his face again. "Eddie."

Buck huffed out a laugh at that and shook his head. After a second, he took Eddie's other hand, holding them both. "I love you. I'm sorry I've been a shitty friend."

Buck takes a deep breath. He pushes himself up so he can sit facing Eddie. "I'm not. I just... watching you with her while I so desperately wanted your attention was too hard."

Eddie reached out and took his hand. "I know the feeling. Why do you think I hated Taylor so much?"

"It sucked, Buck. Not having you. Not having any idea why. But I get it. You'll still have to make it up to me," Eddie said.

"How should I do that?" Buck asked.

Eddie squeezed his hands and smiled a little. "You should start with a kiss. And then probably pack a bag so you can come over. You should also definitely cook for me."

Buck looked at him for a few seconds, his eyes darting between Eddie's eyes and his mouth. He leaned in and kissed him. He thought it would be quick, just one kiss for now, but then Eddie sighed into it and Buck suddenly didn't know how to stop. He dropped Eddie's hands to cup his face and deepened the kiss. When he finally pulled back, he felt like his lungs might explode, but it was worth it for that soft smile on Eddie's face.

Eddie nodded. "If you kiss me like that for 81 days in a row, I wouldn't be sad."

"A great start, but you have a lot to make up for. How long?" Eddie asked.

"81 days," Buck said.

Buck laughed and leaned in again. "Neither would I."

#tanis #buddie #911 fanfic #asks #prompts

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