#and next school year i get to work with alex and jon and go back and forth between sites.
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i'm so excited to go back to work actually. i can't wait to be with the kiddos again i miss them :)
#my mom wants me to find a job that is better paying with more accessible hours. which is so fair.#however i love working with kids so much. oh my god.#we were talking about me doing ghost tours maybe and i don't think that she understood that when i proposed that#i meant like. as a second job. supplementary hours.#sorry mom actually my job with kids means so much to me that i'm shifting career paths to teach elementary school. so.#it would break my fucking heart not to work with kids anymore#does my job suck! yeah! haha!#it's minimum wage and not like. the most fantastic childcare on earth by far#however. it means i get to hang out with these kids who i love#and do fun activities with them and play with them and give them advice when they need it#give them hugs and bandaids and help them with their homework. show them how to make friendship bracelets#would cry and sob if i had to leave this job for real. i would be so fucking upset.#my bosses are SO lucky i love doing this so much cause i would have left so long ago if i didn't 😭#shout out to summer camps for getting me out of the godawful school year situation i forgot that i love this so so much#and next school year i get to work with alex and jon and go back and forth between sites.#so i get to see diana and i get to lead programs and i get to have a more flexible schedule...#i get. a raise maybe 😭#i can be so normal about working with that guy i hate if it's not every day and just me and him in a room with the kids#i can be so normal... my god...#anyway. week off work for wisdom teeth healing has been great. can't wait to be back with the kiddos though :)#valentine notes
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On Being 13
by saintqueer
Date Written: July 2019
CW: brief mention of an eating disorder
I will be posting a series of old creative nonfiction essays I wrote in 2019-20 every Friday and tagging them #a saintqueer original. Some might be a little outdated but I'm getting my feet wet in the experience of sharing my own writing again. Hope you enjoy! My inbox is always open.
Your name is Jordan. It is 2006 and you just turned 13. You are officially a teenager. Not a preteen. Nor god-forbid a tween. You’re in eighth grade at middle school in the Bay Area suburbs and you just got your first cell phone. It’s a silver LG flip phone without a camera. Modern social media has been born but is not yet widespread. Myspace and AIM are still the name of the game. And your friend’s Top 8s are literally worth crying over. You buy songs you like on iTunes for 99 cents. Songs like Far Away by Nickelback and Jesus, Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood. That is, until you wizen up and start using LimeWire in 2007. By that time, you’ll think your tastes much improved. You’ll illegally download songs like Buy U a Drank by T-Pain, Wait For You by Elliott Yamin, and everything Chris Brown puts out. Every single feeling you have is so large it’s like it has the potential to kill you. Weird shit is happening to your body. You started puberty early but it shows absolutely no sign of stopping. Things just seem to be getting weirder and more emotional. You cut your own side bangs and they look hella cool.
Ok, let’s pause there. I’m gonna go ahead and break the fourth wall here. Reader, I was planning on doing this entire piece as a kind of immersive second person experience. But. I. Just. Can’t. It’s too hard and writing about being 13 is difficult enough. I think that intro was enough to get you in the right head space of Jordan circa 2006-2007.
Over the last year, there has been more truthful explorations of the adolescent experience in media than ever before. With shows like Pen15 and Big Mouth and films like Eighth Grade, I feel like for the first time I’m starting to come to terms with my own adolescence. Being 13 is really fucking hard. And 13-year-olds get such a bad rap when, honestly, they’re just trying to do the best they can with all the shit they’ve been thrown.
I first felt compelled to write this piece when reading a section of a book from my favorite podcaster, Karen Kilgariff. Karen describes a lecture series she went to in which one of the presenters made a case in defense of 13 year olds. Karen writes that being 13 “is the hardest age you ever have to be because of all the chemicals and hormones constantly raging through your body. It’s like you’re being drugged and then woken up with speed on a daily basis. All social structure implodes and resets itself in a totally unfamiliar way. You’re simultaneously the oldest version of a child and the youngest version of an adult, so you don’t belong anywhere. You don’t get babied, and you don’t get respect.” Basically, it fucking sucks!!!
At 13, my eating disorder was already in full swing and my body-dysmorphia-riddled brain had no shortage of reasons for why my life would be so much better if I weighed 25 pounds less. They would weigh us in gym class, one by one, and assign us our BMI classification (mine was “overweight”). I was constantly dieting, with resounding approval from family and peers; starving my growing body of whole food groups and then binging. My school used to sell these pizza hot pocket things in plastic wrapping called pizza sticks (they were so DELICIOUS). One time, I found an unopened and still-warm pizza stick on the floor next to a garbage can. Wildly hungry from my meager carb-less lunch I picked it up off the floor and shoved it into my mouth, facing the wall, in as few bites as possible so no one would see. OFF THE FLOOR…OUTSIDE. I think it was on a pile of leaves and other trash (though unopened, it was slightly flattened on one side so it might have been stepped on?). This is actually the first time I’ve told anyone that I did that. Blogging is fun.
I was truly beginning to understand that my body was a commodity in society. I couldn’t take up space as a girl and to be beautiful was to be frail. My body was a sexual thing but I was not allowed to be a sexual being. Boys were the horny ones, not girls. But boy, was I! The thing was I couldn’t tell anyone, only the bathtub faucet could know. This was heightened all the more by my church and my faith. Youth group taught me the importance of dressing modestly and how we had to do everything within our power to help easily tempted boys remain sexually pure. I had so much shame that I had any kind of sexuality at all.
A majority of us wanted to fit in when we were 13. And I wanted it desperately. It’s not necessarily that I wanted to be cool, it’s more like I just wanted to belong. I wanted to have best friends. I wanted boys to have crushes on me. I wanted to be wanted. And it never happened for me. I didn’t develop deep lasting friendships until my late teens. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 21, for god’s sake. My friends at 13 were changeable and excluding. I felt like I was constantly vying for their approval and as I entered high school in 2007, my social life became the center of my world.
Admittedly, high school felt much more enjoyable than middle school. I had established my place in the cool crowd and shirked academics. I stopped listening to Christian Rock and started listening to Lil Wayne and learning how to twerk. I cut class with a friend to straighten my hair with my hot pink straightener in Starbucks. I got in trouble with the cops for underage drinking. I got better at actually starving myself for a few days at a time instead of just dieting. I was significantly better at swearing. However, every single thing still felt like the biggest deal ever and it felt like it would always be that way.
Now, over a dozen years later, I hardly ever think about how it felt to be 13. I always forget that I “fell in love” with a boy named Alex at church summer camp who I saw from afar five times and talked to once for two minutes. It’s hard to believe now that I wrote his name in sharpie on my converse sneakers and sang I Drive Myself Crazy by *Nsync while crying and staring directly back at myself in the mirror.
This might seem unforgiving but I feel like the one redeemable thing about being 13 is that it doesn’t last forever. It ends. You grow and you change and you work through your trauma. If you’re lucky, you get better friends and you go to therapy and do some healing over ten years later by watching tv shows and movies that remind you of every painful feeling. Then you look back and laugh. You laugh at that school dance where Peter said he’d never, ever slow dance with you. You laugh at the school dance less than a year later where you grind provocatively on a dude you don’t know to Get Low by Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins. You laugh (hysterically, I might add) at eating that pizza stick off the floor. You laugh at smoking weed for the first time using a plastic water bottle your friend somehow turned into a shitty bong. You laugh at shoplifting your first thong from Ross. You laugh at your self-cut side bangs. You laugh and you laugh and you laugh and then you, finally, move on.
#a saintqueer original#creative nonfiction series#honestly this kind of made me cackle out loud reading for the first time in two years#especially that pizza hot pocket story hahahaha im losing it lol#i remember this was very fun to write two summers ago#i was dating a girl for the first time and just having a wild summer and it was so nice to look back and reflect on my adolescence#with humor rather than cringing#anyways hope y'all get a giggle out of this#eating disorders tw
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Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Characters: Alex Claremont-Diaz, Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor, Nora Holleran, Percy “Pez” Okonjo, June Claremont-Diaz, Shaan Srivastava
Additional Tags: Boys In Love, minor pez/june, past nora/alex, henry is jealous, Alex is stupid, POV Henry
Summary: The New Year’s Eve party but from Henry’s point of view. UM so I might have wrote the one New Year’s Eve party scene from Henry’s point of view because I couldn’t get it out of my head. The link is there but I’ll also just post it here, too. This is my first writing piece ever. Also I used most of the same dialogue from the actual scene but all credit goes to the wonderful Casey McQustion. These are their characters and they have all rights! A strong, deep bass rumbled from the speakers as Henry stumbled through the crowd searching for Alex. It had gotten to the point where he was on the verge of giving up when he spotted him. Alex was with two girls: Nora at his back with her arms wrapped around a small girl who looked vaguely familiar. Alex, though, had his head thrown back, laughing like someone had just told him the world’s best joke, his whole body alive with movement. It was intoxicating enough that Henry took a deep breath before sidling up next to him. He looked around to see people with their hands in the air, hands on someone’s waist, around someone’s neck, wrapped around a drink. Looking down at his own hands, he tried to copy those around him without looking completely prattish. Spoiler. It didn’t work. “You don’t dance?” Alex says, watching him. “No, I do,” Henry says. “It’s just, the family-mandated ballroom dancing lessons didn’t exactly cover this?” The last few words of his sentence come off as more of a question than a statement. “C’mon, it’s, like, in the hips. You have to loosen up.” Alex replies. He then does the unthinkable: he puts his hands on Henry’s hips and it’s all Henry can do to not tense up. By the look on Alex’s face, he thinks he’s failed. “That’s the opposite of what I said.” “Alex, I don’t–” “Here,” Alex says, moving his own hips, “watch me.” Henry feels the warmth creeping up the back of his neck, takes a gulp of his champagne, and says in what he hopes to be a level tone, “I am.” The song crossfades into another buh-duh dum-dum-dum, dum-duh-dum duh-duh-dum– “Shut up,” Alex yells, looking as though Christmas had come early. “Shut your dumb face, this is my shit!” He throws his hands up in the air as Henry stares at him blankly, and around them, people start cheering too, hundreds of shoulders shimmying to what Henry later learns to be “Get Low” by Lil Jon. “Did you seriously never go to an awkward middle school dance and watch a bunch of teenagers dry hump to this song?” Alex looks up at Henry as he stares back with wide eyes, clutching his champagne glass like a lifeline. “You absolutely must know I did not.” Alex turns to where Nora was standing a few feet away and snatches her away from the girl she was flirting with. Absently, Henry realizes that he recognizes this girl from the recent Spider-Man movie. “Nora!” Alex shouts, bringing Henry’s focus back to him. But honestly, when is he not focused on Alex? “Nora! Henry has never watched a bunch of teenagers dry hump to this song!” Nora stumbles and her face becomes so shocked that Henry fears that he’s done something wrong. “What?” she exclaims. “Please tell me nobody is going to dry hump me,” Henry says, bewilderment written all over his face. “Oh my God, Henry,” Alex yells, seizing Henry by one lapel as the music pounds on, “you have to dance. You have to dance. You need to understand this formative American coming-of-age experience.” Henry feels his willpower dwindling when he realizes just how close Alex has pulled them together. He doesn’t even think that Alex meant to, but suddenly, Henry is all too aware of the feeling of Alex’s body pressed against his. He thinks he might do something extremely stupid when Nora grabs Alex, pulling him away from Henry and spinning him around, her hands on his waist, and starts grinding with abandon. Alex woops and Nora cackles and the crowd jumps around and Henry just gawks at them. He lets out an indignant snort when he hears the lyrics for the first time. “Did that man just say ‘sweat drop down my balls’?” Alex is breathtaking, sweat on his brow, laughing hysterically, bent over grinding his ass against Nora’s front. She starts thrusting against Alex, smacking his ass on time with the beat of the song and Henry is sure he’s only seen this happening in movies. Henry rips his eyes away from the scene in front of him only to see Pez a few feet away bending over to the front and touching his toes. Alex sees it too and laughs even harder at Henry’s face. He accepts a shot from a passing tray, throwing it back and getting back to his dancing. He pouts his lips and shakes his ass, and even though Henry cannot fathom why his body starts reacting without him telling it to, his head starts to bop. "Fuck it up, vato!” Alex yells, and Henry laughs despite himself and hips start to move in a little baby shake. “I thought you weren’t going to babysit him all night,” June whispers to Alex as she twirls by, though it comes off as more of a shout. “I thought you were too busy for guys,” Alex says, nodding behind her. Henry looks over his shoulder and sees Pez watching June with a little grin on his face. He turns back around in time to see June throw Alex a wink before she’s off again. From there, Henry can’t find it in himself to care about how ridiculous he might look. He’s had too much to drink and there’s music he vaguely recognizes as early 2000s blasting from the speakers. He’s drinking champagne directly from the bottle and his willingness to dance likely has to do with how close Alex is and the fact that he can’t quite keep his hands to himself. Henry thinks he might explode. He watches Alex continue to grind against Nora and in the back of his head he hears a whisper that sounds a little bit like Pez saying “you wish that was you, huh?” The staring contest he seems to have started with Alex lasts well up until midnight, laughter bubbling out at random, wide smiles that they both can’t quite keep off of their faces. The countdown to the new year starts as they huddle up in their own little group, arms wrapped around each other, swaying slightly due to how much they’ve all had to drink. Henry thinks everything is going well until the countdown hits one, everyone screams “Happy New Year” and he sees Nora sling her arm around Alex’s neck and kiss him sloppily on the mouth. As they pull out of the kiss, Nora bites Alex’s lip and messes up his hair as he laughs. He opens his eyes and looks straight at Henry. Henry fights to keep his emotions off his face, he’s trained in it. It’s hard considering the jealousy rising up and he’s certain he must be green with it. Alex’s smile grows wider when he registers Henry’s expression, so Henry lifts the bottle of champagne up to his mouth, takes a hearty gulp, turns and walks through the crowd away from two-thirds of the White House Trio. Henry finds himself in the Garden without even registering how he got there and how long he’s been there. He slowly walks up to a tree and looks up into the sky. He’s so numb from the alcohol that he doesn’t care how cold it is. The only way he knows that he maybe should be wearing a jacket is when he breathes out and sees little puffs of steam in front of his face. He’s been out there for God knows how long when he hears a curse as someone stumbles over a bench behind him. “What’re you doing back here?” Alex says, trudging up to stand next to him under the tree. Henry squints down at him trying to focus on Alex’s face. It doesn’t work. It’s still blurry. Still beautiful. Whatever. “Looking for Orion,” he settles on saying. Alex huffs a laugh, looking up into the sky. Henry realizes his excuse must sound silly when he looks up as well and sees Alex fighting back a smile. The sky is not clear. It’s full of fluffy white clouds. “You must be really bored with the commoners to come stand out here and stare at the clouds.” “‘m not bored,” Henry mumbles. “What are you doing out here? Doesn’t America’s golden boy have some swooning crowds to beguile?” He means for it to come out harsher than it sounds. He hopes Alex doesn’t recognize the fondness in his voice. “Says Prince fucking Charming,” Alex answers, smirking. Henry frowns up at the clouds. He’s not sure if he likes that Alex compared him to a beautiful prince or if he’s disappointed that he is anything but. “Hardly.” His knuckle brushes the back of Alex’s hand at their sides, a little zip of warmth in the cold night. Henry feels it in his whole body. From the corner of his eye he can see Alex looking at him. The garden is quiet. It makes Henry uncomfortable. “You really didn’t answer my question, though,” Alex notes. Henry groans, rubbing a hand across his face. “You can’t leave well enough alone, can you?” He leans his head back. It thumps gently against the trunk of the tree. “Sometimes it gets a bit…much.” Alex keeps looking at him. He shifts, leaning back against the tree too. He nudges their shoulders together and Henry feels the corner of his mouth twitch at the contact. He tries to keep his smile down. He’s probably failing. “D’you ever wonder,” he says slowly, “what it’s like to be some anonymous person out in the world?” Alex frowns. “What do you mean?” “Just, you know,” Henry says, trying to find the right words. “If your mom weren’t the president and you were just a normal bloke living a normal life, what things might be like? What you’d be doing instead?” “Ah,” Alex says. He stretches out one arm out in front of him, makes a dismissive gesture with a flick of his wrist. “Well, I mean, obviously I’d be a model. I’ve been on the cover of Teen Vogue twice. These genetics transcend all circumstance.” Henry rolls his eyes, fighting to keep a fond smile off of his face. “What about you?” Henry shakes his head ruefully. “I’d be a writer.” Alex gives a little laugh. “Can’t you do that?” “Not exactly seen as a worthwhile pursuit from a man in line for the throne, scribbling verses about quarter-life angst,” Henry says dryly. “Besides, the traditional family career track is military, so that’s about it, isn’t it?” He bites his lip, and his brain supplies the words I’d date more, probably, as well. It takes him a moment to realize he’s voiced his thoughts when Alex starts laughing. “Right, because it’s so hard to get a date when you’re a prince.” Henry looks down at Alex. “You’d be surprised.” “How? You’re not exactly lacking for options.” Henry looks at him. He thinks there’s a twinge of jealousy in Alex’s voice and he hopes it’s not wishful thinking. It’s probably what gives him the courage to say, “The options I’d like…” dragging the words out, trying to hint at what he’s trying to say. “They don’t quite seem to be options at all.” Alex blinks. “What?” And Henry’s infatuated with him even more. “I’m saying that I have…people…who interest me,” Henry says, turning his body toward Alex now, speaking with a fumbling pointedness. Alex still looks entirely too confused and it’s endearing. “But I shouldn’t pursue them. At least not in my position.” “I still don’t know what the hell you’re talking about,” Alex says. Henry wants to punch him. “You don’t?” “No.” “You really don’t?” “I really, really don’t.” Henry grimaces in frustration, looking up to the sky wishing there was something up there to please knock some sense into Alex. He straightens. “Christ, you’re about as thick as it gets,” he says, and he grabs Alex’s face in both hands and kisses him. Alex freezes, and for a split second, Henry wonders if he’s read Alex all wrong. Then he feels Alex lean into him and Henry almost sighs in relief. His mouth slides against Alex’s, opens, and his tongue brushes against Alex’s. It’s wonderful and warm and everything Henry had hoped for. Probably even better. Oh. Definitely better. One of Henry’s hands finds its way into Alex’s hair and grabs it at the roots at the back of his head. Alex makes a small noise in the back of his throat and that’s when Henry realizes just what he’s done. He pulls away roughly, enough that Alex staggers back, eyes glazed over, the beginnings of bewilderment etching across his face. Henry mumbles a curse and a series of apologies, holding up his hands as he backs away. Eyes wide and heart in his throat, he turns on his heel and rushes out of the garden, leaving Alex standing in the snow. When he reaches the portico, he looks back and sees Alex start to come back to himself, touching his lips and beginning to make his way toward the White House. Henry slips inside, pushes through the crowd where he finds Pez. Even in his drunkenness, Pez takes one look at Henry and he must know. It’s probably written all over his face. “Please,” Henry hears himself say. There’s a roaring sound in his ears. “I can’t–Pez, I need to leave. I can’t be here.” Pez grabs his hand and leads him to where the PPOs are waiting by the wall. He leans over to Shaan and the next thing he knows is he’s being shuttled to the SUVs parked around the side of the White House. Henry can’t breathe and he doesn’t remember walking to the SUV. Henry can’t breathe and he sees a flash of betrayal and confusion on Alex’s face in the back of his mind. Henry can’t breathe and suddenly he’s in the private jet. Pez doesn’t even ask him what happened. He looks at Henry with sympathy and keeps a worried eye on him the entire flight. He doesn’t fall asleep, he won’t when Henry can’t breathe. Pez takes a deep breath and grabs Henry’s hand. “It’s gonna be okay, Henry. Just wait. I promise everything will be okay.” He was right, like always, Henry thinks. He runs his fingers down Alex’s naked back in the brownstone they share. Henry takes a deep breath.
#red white and royal blue#henry x alex#henry fox mountchristen windsor#alex claremont diaz#boys in love#theyre so stupid#I love them so much
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Gary Con XI
Last year’s trip to Gary Con was supposed to be a one off, a ‘Trip of Lifetime’ but as you might have read in last year’s blog post it was an experience I was keen to repeat. I worked hard, I saved my pennies and with the support of my ever amazing (& non gaming) wife I planned a return trip to Lake Geneva.
Sadly my good friend and travel buddy Isa couldn’t join me on this year’s trip so I traveled to Chicago on my own, this time on a direct flight from London.
I’d planned to arrive a day early to allow my body clock time to adjust. Asking around about sharing transport from O’Hare to Lake Geneva I got a message from a friend I’d met at last year’s convention. Jason Hobbs was kind enough to bring his trip forward a day, picking me up from the airport and driving up to our B&B in Lake Geneva. We made plans to head over to Madison and meet Alex Kammer, another acquaintance from last year’s event. Alex runs Gamehole Con, another Wisconsin gaming convention held in the autumn. He is also a big collector of old school D&D books and memorabilia We were able to check out his amazing collection, housed in a custom gaming space he calls ‘The Gamehole’
The Gamehole
This is a 1st printing of the 1st Edition AD&D Monster Manual, signed by Gary Gygax.
As well as books Alex also has some unique artifacts. This is the original map of the Forgotten Realms, used to define what is now the default setting for Dungeons and Dragons today.
The exceptionally rare English module ST1 ‘Up The Garden Path’
Me, with a rare first printing of Chainmail, the ruleset written by Gary Gygax and Jeff Perren. Chainmail preceded Dungeons and Dragons and was intended to be used in the original edition of D&D to resolve combat. The system we use today for D&D combat has evolved from what was originally intended to be the ‘alternate’ rules for folk who didn’t own a copy of Chainmail!
We got back to our B&B around 10pm, but my body clock wasn’t fooled, it knew it should be 4am and I’m sure I entertained Hobbs with some pretty hard core snoring on the drive back!
Now I’m a believer that if you do something twice it becomes a tradition so on Wednesday we met up with Bruce Heard for our now traditional pre Gary Con lunch, at the ‘Next Door Pub’ Bruce is always good company and it was great to catch up with him. I was pleased to hear his latest ‘Calidar’ product is taking shape, I’m excited to receive my copy from the Kickstarter later this year.
After lunch we headed off to the Geneva Grand Resort, home of the convention to pick up our badges and get settled in.
We arrived a little early so I had a short wait before my room was ready. It was while I waited in the bar watching people arrive that I started to realise that this trip really was going to be at least as magical as the previous year. You see, the magic of Gary Con, for me at least, is the people. Having just picked up my badge and not even rolled a single dice I was happy so see more friends arrive. Much hugging and laughing ensued, setting the standard for the days to come.
On Wednesday evening I ticked off ‘Dawn Patrol’ from my ‘want to play’ bucket list. Michael Bolam facilitated an awesome intro game for a bunch of newbies and despite rolling badly (winning initiative is a bad start in this game!) I survived my first game and even got my first ‘kill’
After the game I had time for a couple of beers in the bar, catching up with friends old and new before getting an early night (well, midnight?) ready to start the gaming the next day.
On Thursday morning I ran my first game of Dungeon Crawl Classics (The 13th Skull) for a great table of players, most of whom had some experience of the system. I felt like it took me a couple of hours to hit my GMing stride but the pace accelerated pretty quickly. The party making good progress until my dice suddenly ran hot and we finished with a TPK!
My afternoon game was the session I was most anxious about. I was running my own adventure for ‘The Umerican Survival Guide’ and I whilst the table was full of familiar faces I was nervous running for so many creative folk! I think it went down ok, we certainly laughed a lot and I’ve got some ideas to tweak the adventure before I run it next at the UK Games Expo.
Thursday evening was another great social night, both in the hotel bar and at the party I was invited to by my roommate.
It was great to have a few minutes with Luke Gygax. Luke is the driving force behind the convention and Gary Con is a fantastic tribute to his dad. I’m sure Gary would be happy to see thousands of people gathering to play games in his memory.
“I would like the world to remember me as the guy who really enjoyed playing games and sharing his knowledge and his fun pastimes with everybody else.”
Gary Gygax
I also got to chat and hang out with bunch of other well know D&D faces.
Satine Phoenix
Stefan Pokorny, aka ‘The Dwarvenaught’
with Jon Peterson (”Art & Arcana” & “Playing At The World”) and Mike Carr (”Dawn Patrol�� and “In Search Of The Unknown” for D&D, amongst others!)
Whilst it’s great to see the new wave of D&D ‘Rock Stars’ promoting the hobby I think chatting with Mike Carr and him shaking my hand to congratulate me on my first ‘Dawn Patrol’ kill the previous night was a highlight of the convention!
Back in the bar I met up with more of the tribe, including Tom Tullis of Fat Dragon Games who produces the amazing 3D printable minis and scenery I use in a lot of my games at home.
Friday was my Birthday. I started an epic day of gaming running Operation Whitebox, a World War 2 RPG by Pete Spahn. It was really good to finally meet Pete and once again he had generously donated copies of the rulebook to all my players. He stopped by during the game to sign books and hang out. I had a great table of friends new and old who worked well together to complete their dangerous mission behind enemy lines with only two casualties!
I ran straight from my own game to sit at Stephen Newton’s table for his DCC adventure. Stephen’s a great judge and I was pleased to be back at his table this year. This was a completely new adventure to me and I was playing with a great bunch of players with a wide age range, kids through to adult. I’ve had some really great experiences playing at mixed tables with kids recently and this game was no exception!
After this game Stephen and I headed off to the next game, we were both playing in ‘Blacklisted in Lankhmar’ run by Jen Brinkman.
This was my first time playing with Jen and I was excited to grab a spot in this game at almost the last minute. Normally coming to the end of 12 hours of gaming my mind and attention would be wandering but Jen is a captivating judge, and DCC Lankhmar is a lot of fun - a great game perfectly reworked to fit this classic setting from the works of Fritz Leiber
I was planning a couple of quiet birthday beers before another early(ish) night - but it was not to be! I certainly wasn’t expecting to have the a couple of hundred people in the bar singing happy birthday before I was presented with this amazing cake by friends Dave and Kathy. I may have been a little drunk and emotional that night!
Saturday Morning’s game was my Dark Trails funnel adventure.
I squeezed a couple of extra players around the table for this and although I’ve added to it since it’s first outing at the UK Games Expo it’s clear I still have some work to do, but I think everyone had fun.
One of the extra players was a fellow twitch mini painter, Ali, it so good to meet her and take delivery of the minis she had painted for me!
Saturday afternoon I found Carl Heyl’s drop in/drop out Basic D&D game. Carl is the current host of long time Classic D&D podcast Save Or Die and I loved sitting in on his game for a little while.
I had to keep my time in Carl’s game short because I’d signed up to play at 5pm in a ‘Super Secret Playtest’ with Michael Curtis.
By the time I sat down the secret was ‘out’ and I was excited to find I’d be taking part in the first public play test of Goodman Games 5th Edition conversion of the classic module ‘Expedition to the Barrier Peaks’ This game was a lot of fun on so many levels. I was out of my comfort zone playing a Bard and in 5th Edition D&D too! However we had an absolute blast playing through some fun encounters and it ticked several things off my bucket list.
Playing with Michael Curtis had been a long standing ambition - he didn’t disappoint, even when he teased me with “Do you want to burn any luck? Oh, sorry, wrong system!” It was also cool to play a classic Gygax module at Gary Con!
Saturday night was another party night. After my game I met some more friends in the bar. Alex, Zach and Greg seemed to have been gaming non stop all weekend but we made time to hang out and enjoy a couple of ‘Old Fashioned’s before the unofficial ‘Cultural Exchange’ social night.
With Jen and my roommate Jobe Bitmann
with Jim and Hayley Skatch
I did it! Last year I failed to get all the Spellburn podcast folk together in a picture but here’s proof it can happen without incurring a Phlogiston disturbance!
The cultural exchange ran on and I enjoyed sampling and sharing local beer and food with friends, although the handful of Wisconsin cheese with Ghost peppers that I inadvertently almost inhaled nearly choked me!
As the unofficial event wound down in the early hours I noticed the bar filling up and managed to grab a couple more photos with the celebs.
Joe Manganiello - my wife is a big fan, clearly she’s just into guys who like D&D, right?
Matt Mercer came across as a really nice guy, clearly really passionate about the hobby.
Sunday arrived with even less sleep than previous days but I was able to grab a quick breakfast bite and a chat with my buddy Victor as we walked down to our morning game.
I ran my Red Box D&D adventure ‘Return To Lion Castle’ which is a tribute to the first D&D adventure I ever played. I only had three players - I’m assuming the other three who signed up were more hungover than me, which is quite an achievment! We still had a lot of fun and I hope to run this one again soon.
In the afternoon I sat down with Jen, Bob, Nick and Marlene for lunch. This is the second year Jen and I have had lunch on the Sunday so I’m calling this a new tradition too!
Speaking of traditions another one that I’m pleased to be part of was my last game of the convention. Bob Brinkman’s ‘Dead Dogs’ game ran past midnight. Bob once again did a fantastic job guiding a very full table of twenty (!) players through an amazing improv pirate themed DCC adventure! I laughed so much I almost cried. When I eventually had to hug everyone goodbye and walk back to my room I might actually have done so...
I checked out of the hotel on Monday and had good company for the day having been offered a ride back to Chicago with Doug, Stefan and co, the DCC art contingent. We had a great pub lunch and checked out the Chicago Art Institute before I took the obligatory selfies at ‘The Bean’
I caught my late flight home and Gary Con was over for another year
The memories live on and with a little bit of luck (and some hard work!) I hope to be back next year.
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Say “Au Revoir” to Your Ex with PHANGS’ Synth-Pop Anthem [PREMIERE + Q&A]
If you’ve never heard of PHANGS before, you’re most definitely in for a savory treat from Nashville, Tennessee. Born and raised in the early 90s, PHANGS’ Jake Germany is not only known for his loving relationship with his infant son, but also blessing the wonderful world of synth-pop with his alternative tunes. After playing a string of sold out shows across North America, PHANGS is now celebrating his recent signing to Alex Da Kid’s record label, KIDinaKORNER, with his luscious new single, “Au Revoir.”
While the ultimate crêpe recipe may be disputable, PHANGS’ “Au Revoir” is the perfect concoction of mesmerizing vocals and captivating synths from one musical genius. What boils down to a breakup song, “Au Revoir” is PHANGS’ declaration of empowerment and a plea for us to move on from past relationships that may be stopping us from enjoying our futures. Because of his undeniable talent for crafting synthy goodness, we’re convinced that PHANGS is certainly an artist to keep your eyes on.
On “Au Revoir,” PHANGS exclusively shared with us,
“‘Au Revoir’ is essentially a breakup song. But it feels like more to me. It’s a song about taking control of a situation and moving forward without allowing yourself to look back. It’s about empowerment. It was such a fun song to write because my friend, Jon Santana, sent me a snippet of just the guitar part in the chorus saying that he worked on it with Smallpools, and they didn’t end up using it. And on the second listen to it, I mumbled the ‘So long, Au Revoir’ hook and then finished the chorus on the third listen through. It just naturally came together. I went to my producer, Brett Truitt, in Nashville and finished the rest of the song the next day.”
Ones To Watch has your first listen of “Au Revoir” below:
In anticipation of his first single release with KIDinaKORNER, we chatted with PHANGS about his mellow signature sound, impressive shoe collection, and “Au Revoir.”
OTW: PHANGS is definitely an intriguing name that makes us wonder what exactly you’re about… How did you come up with the name, “PHANGS?”
PHANGS: It’s honestly so dorky. The name PHANGS is actually from my favorite comic book called SAGA. And there’s a comet planet that one of the characters is from called Phang. I started making these songs and didn’t know what to call myself, so I decided to just go back and look through things that I personally love, which led me to rereading the entire SAGA series and stumbling upon that name.
OTW: Although you’ve only released one studio album as PHANGS, you have a plethora of singles and EPs under your belt. What’s your favorite song you’ve ever written?
PHANGS: Oh man… That’s such a hard one to answer. I think my favorite song that I’ve written will come out later this year actually. But of the tunes that are out, I’d probably go with “Nothing To Do With You.” That song just poured out naturally and super quickly. I wrote and recorded the song in about 35 minutes, bounced it, and that’s what is out there streaming now. It just feels super honest for where I was in that exact moment.
OTW: Taking your existing discography into consideration, your soundscape incorporates captivating synthesizers and mellow lyricism. How did you decide that this is what you wanted PHANGS to sound like?
PHANGS: Really, I never made that decision. It just kind of happened. I was raised in the early 90s, watching MTV with my mom, who was very young. So the synths and pop melodies are just naturally a part of me. I’d say that 90s pop is my earliest memory of music; however, my earliest impact by music was the early 2000s emo scene. So I guess PHANGS was just destined to be a mix of the two worlds.
OTW: Your first single with KIDinaKORNER, “Au Revoir” is a breakup song about empowerment at its core. What inspired this incredible track?
PHANGS: I’ve been told (by every one of my exes) that I over-romanticize everything in my life. And it’s true. But I like to lean into that when songwriting. With “Au Revoir,” I just wanted to make a breakup song that didn’t end with sadness, like most of my earlier songs. I liked the idea of being able to recognize a shitty situation and then making moves forward without even desiring to look back or allowing it a space to creep back up.
OTW: With “Au Revoir,” a snippet of the chorus’ guitar part was presented to you, and you quickly crafted that into your own project. What does your creative process typically look like?
PHANGS: Yeah! My buddy from Nashville, Jon Santana, sent me a piece of the chorus instrumental with that guitar that Smallpools recorded, and I was obsessed. I was driving from Texas to Nashville at the time. On the second listen through, I mumbled, “So long, au revoir, there’s the door, get goin,” and then, by the third listen, I had written the entire chorus. As soon as I got to Nashville, I went straight into the studio with my friend/producer, Brett Tuitt, and recorded the entire song.
OTW: Between your recent tour with Nightly and upcoming string of summer shows with Mystery Skulls, you have a few months to decompress and spend time at home with family and friends. What do you like most about life on the road?
PHANGS: I just love traveling. I didn’t have much growing up in Texas with young parents, so touring was my only chance to see the world. I’m very lucky to call it my job. PHANGS, from day one though, is about connection. I stay at the venue every night, until they have to kick us out, meeting and getting to know every single person that supports what we’re all making together. That’s the most important part to me.
OTW: You recently tweeted: “Procrastination is the assassination of motivation.” How do you avoid procrastination and keep yourself motivated on a daily basis?
PHANGS: No joke, I think I’ve mumbled that phrase to myself nearly every day since I was like 13. A mentor of mine told me that back then and it stuck with me. I guess my way of staying motivated is to literally just look for inspiration every single day. Whether that’s inspiration for songwriting, art, love, nature, whatever. I genuinely don’t even consider wasting time, when I’m continually so inspired by the world.
OTW: Before you began releasing music as PHANGS, you were the lead vocalist of Cardboard Kids, a dynamic rock band you formed with your friends in 2013. Now that you’re performing as a solo act, how has your perspective changed on the creative process?
PHANGS: Woah, you did homework! Cardboard Kids was a very fun time where I got to learn a lot about who I was and who I wanted to be. As far as the creative process though, it still starts with me in my room mumbling random syllables into random melodies until something strikes me. The only difference is the voicing of the instruments, really. It’s still all from the same place. Cardboard Kids will always be a part of me as PHANGS.
OTW: Rumor has it you’re a die-hard shoe collector… Tell us more!
PHANGS: Oh man, yeah, I have a lot of shoes. I’ve been into sneakers since I was a kid. Since we didn’t have much money growing up, I used to trade random stuff that I had to kids in school with cool shoes. On an artistic level, I just like collecting them and admiring how they’re designed and constructed. I don’t even wear most of them. I tend to wear ratty shoes on tour, so it’s truly not about flexing that I have cool or limited-edition sneakers. It really is just that I love shoes as pieces of art.
OTW: Who are your current Ones To Watch?
PHANGS: There are so many to choose from. Right now, I’d say THE WLDLFE, joan, James Droll, Little Image, and my current obsession, bülow.
Catch PHANGS on tour with Mystery Skulls this summer!
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Sins of the Father by Sam Burns Review (contains spoilers
Book 2 of the Wilde Love Series.
“She threw her hands in the air. “It’s our Pride special, Key, what do you want it to look like? Black cheesecake with a side of blood orange sauce? You wanna go full dark for Pride?” i can name you at least 100 queers who would fucking love this.
Keagan ends up with an fbi agent? Shouldn’t be surprised bc the last book featured a cop but i thought Keagan was going to be the dark sexy badass of the book and he was going to fall for a normal dude.
Personal preference note but not a fan that other than Casey (Liam’s best friend) all of the named women in the last book are straight. I hope this changes. It always feels weird when i’m reading adult queer romance but only men are queer. Like I see even queer authors do this. You can have your women characters dating each other. TJ Klune does it. It just feels weird.
The author, Sam Burns, is a he and lives with his husband and cat. Sam. Write more wlw into this series i beg.
I did my homework so I’m actually going to read this book now. Except i’m supposed to be paying attention to my classmates’ presentation.
I love that Owen loves the cheesecake. Both Quinn boys shitted on the cake bc of the way it looks but thought it tasted heavenly.
I like Brigit but she is a little too concerned over her friend’s dating life. As an ace, I HATE those people.
“And liking guys and eating rainbow cheesecake doesn’t mean I have to like hugging people. Later!” Owen you are 100% right but how is hugging a stereotype? Bc it’s “girly”?
Jon sees the Quinns as the enemy. This series does an exploration of the morally gray, more obvious when it had Alex, philosophy major, as the pov character. It’s interesting seeing how little the fbi knows about the Quinns and interesting that Jon talked to 2 agents who had different opinions on Keagan. I don’t like that book 2 has me with another “person of the law” bc while i can enjoy copaganda in shows, I despise it in books. This isn’t complete copaganda bc moral grayness and the book makes you love the criminals but it still views cops as “good guys”.
Jon and Alex both had their soulmate at their back and heard their voice before they saw their face.
Brigit wanted him out of there at first but I think she ships them now. Yeah. The book points out how annoying it is. Calls it the “oh my god you’re gay you should date my gay friend” look. This book uses its platform to talk about the slight annoyances of having straight friends. Imma shut up now.
I don’t want Jon to succeed in his goal and honestly the story has an easy answer. B Quinn retires. He’s old. His children won’t be his successors. The business he specifically deals in dies with his retirement. There really isn’t any point going after him or putting him in jail. Just let his career die as it will. He’s old with no successors.
I like that Jon has a good relationship with his family. I like Miles. He doesn’t have any friends though so I guess the good relationship with your family thing is just so he has someone to talk to. Liam also had a good relationship with some family but he also had friends so he didn’t talk to his family in the book.
Owen may be demiromantic.
Jon isn’t working the Quinn case anymore so less conflict than before. He’s interested in Quinn and way too honest and upfront.
This man flirted with you a tiny bit once and you switch assignments and try to ask him out. Like i would expect a little bit more flirting to happen before you go that far.
I don’t know how to feel about Jon just yet...I just realized his name is spelled like jon sims. Book made the mistake of telling me he was fbi. I liked Liam before i knew he was a cop so i could set my irl morals aside for a fictional character.
One thing i like about these books which seems it’s going to be a pattern for at least the first two books in the series is the lack of drama. Two characters decide they have feelings for each other and then nothing gets in between them.
Hmm. so the fbi and Jon and Jon’s family don’t care that Jon is dating Keagan but his dad does care that Keagan is dating an agent.
If Jon finds his job boring, why can’t he just quit? They don’t respect him and limit what he’s allowed to do bc he’s gay anyway. Just quit. Make the smart move that Liam didn’t. But if he quits then there wouldn’t be any *conflict*. Except Jon’s morals. I love these books but i’m GLAD the next one isn’t going to have a “person of the law” in it.
“I know Jenna said no PDA, but as it turns out, I’m the guy who owns the place.”
Ok their date at Wildes was super cute.
Oh i forgot an ex of Keagan’s was going to cause drama. Ick. i hate ex drama.
Keagan is so cute. He BLUSH! He blush hard!
Jon’s brother is ACE!! I knew I liked him. (Em/Miles)
This book is ok but I’m more excited to read the next book. It was through book 3 that i found this series. From the description, I think Brian is a sex repulsed ace which is AWESOME. Also, it’s clear this author did their research (if they aren’t ace themselves) bc “He’s had it, and he says it’s okay, but it’s not something he cares about. It’s like doing the dishes because you’re supposed to.” is an accurate description!
I’m headcannoning miles as autistic.
MILES AND BRIGIT ARE FLIRTING. Good. i like both of them.
Ok i like Jon now. Hearing about how shitty all Keagan’s exes were makes Jon look perfect.
Oh. Apparently his dad has hated every boyfriend of Keagans. Usually Keagan would agree and the relationship would eventually die out. But Jon was the first time he told his dad to fuck off with that shit.
Jon and Keagan have good chemistry. It took a bit to get there. I think it strongly helps that this author knows how to write jokes. The lovers being able to joke with each other and make each other laugh themselves silly and smile till it hurts is a strong contender for illustrating how perfect they are together.
So is Jon not going to tell him what he found just so he doesn’t seem like a creep? It was his coworker who suggested and looked him up anyway. It would be good for Keagan to know.
I hate every single one of Keagan’s exes.
Ugh Phil. Shut up go away i hate you.
“You’re thinking about having sex with him right now, aren’t you?” Phil asked. He looked annoyed.
“No?” Keegan couldn’t keep the smile from his face. “Maybe.”
REALLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD! OH MY GOD Phil’S LITERALLY EATING A SALAD IN THIS SCENE!
“I’m giving you something Phil’s never had.” What? Your undivided attention?sdfrgthydwfg. (have i been spelling Keegan’s name wrong this whole time?)
Is english major guy Brian? No his name’s Javi Bennet.
Keagan’s face is so easy to read. I can’t believe he used to be a gangster.
Mickey might be demisexual. This is based on nothing except he’s been in an on again off again relationship with a girl since middle school and he ends up with one of his closest friends.
Surprised Keagan didn’t talk to Jon about the guilt he still feels over that child’s death years ago and that they never talk about his disabled arm.
Keagan is a little dumb and surprisingly too trusting but I love that for him.
Anyway, like the last book the last words were “i love you” plus for both it was the first i love you.
END.
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Christopher Nolan is Right About This Much in the WB and HBO Max Deal…
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It appears as though there’s trouble in paradise. Could Christopher Nolan and Warner Bros. be breaking up? The studio has been the filmmaker’s home since 2002’s Insomnia, and WB took a huge gamble on Nolan this past summer when it released Tenet in theaters during the COVID-19 pandemic. But all that was before WB, and perhaps more crucially WarnerMedia, opted to go in the opposite direction. It was before WB announced its entire 2021 film slate would premiere simultaneously on HBO Max and in theaters.
As you’ve likely heard by now, the Tenet director and champion of all things theatrical did not take it well.
“Some of our industry’s biggest filmmakers and most important movie stars went to bed the night before thinking they were working for the greatest movie studio and woke up to find out they were working with the worst streaming service,” Nolan complained with uncharacteristic bluntness to THR.
He continued, “Warner Bros. has an incredible machine for getting a filmmaker’s work out everywhere, both in theaters and in the home, and they’re dismantling it as we speak. They don’t even understand what they’re losing. Their decision makes no economic sense, and even the most casual Wall Street investor can see the difference between disruption and dysfunction.”
The immediate reaction for many—if on social media and less in the industry—has been equivalent to a daylong eye roll. After all, Nolan was the filmmaker who pressured the same studio to release Tenet in theaters, and the film’s underwhelming box office, particularly in the U.S., triggered many studios to abandon the thought of rolling out any other major blockbuster in 2020. Indeed, WB moved Wonder Woman 1984 first from October to Christmas Day as a result, and then finally transitioned to a concurrent HBO Max release.
So… didn’t Nolan help create this environment where WB is putting everything on HBO Max? Probably.
However, given the realities of the pandemic, as well as the interior realities of WarnerMedia, a picture is emerging to suggest this was perhaps the inevitable endgame for the media company ever since TimeWarner was acquired by AT&T. And the botched industry rollout that is earning Nolan’s ire has deeper risks than bruising the egos of an industry that trades in ego.
On paper HBO Max is not the worst streaming service, nor do I imagine many film lovers would agree. With its deep library of Warner Bros. and MGM classics from the Warner Archive, as well as a deal with the Criterion Collection, HBO Max has the best collection of classic Hollywood and international cinema on any major streamer, and that’s before you take into account its HBO library or next year’s collection of WB riches.
However, the streaming service got off to an exceedingly bumpy start, which might partially explain Nolan’s humbuggery toward HBO Max, and certainly better crystallizes WB’s sudden fire sale approach to streaming in 2021.
As detailed in an eye-opening piece by CNBC’s Alex Sherman, HBO Max has been the basket AT&T was planning to put all its eggs in for years predating the COVID-19 pandemic. That vision, largely the brainchild of then-WarnerMedia CEO John Stankey (who has since been promoted to AT&T CEO) was likely the reason HBO CEO Richard Plepler resigned from WarnerMedia last year. Plepler imagined a future for HBO built on growing the premium network’s current pay cable and HBO Go audience; Stankey and new WarnerMedia leadership believed Plepler “was aiming too low” and instead imagined HBO becoming the launchpad for a streaming service that would compete with Netflix.
According to Sherman, “Stankey has dismantled the old Time Warner, spurring dozens of executives from all parts of the company to depart. He is attempting to funnel all of the company’s resources from cable, film, and HBO into HBO Max.”
This obviously placed an eye on the future, but in our immediate present, HBO Max’s rollout has been a lot less rosy. Despite all 34.5 million current HBO subscribers having access to HBO Max—which does not include those who’ve exclusively signed up for the streaming service with its $15 monthly fee—only 8.6 million have signed up or activated the account since last May. That’s less than a sixth of Disney+’s 73.7 million subscribers.
WarnerMedia’s bet that HBO’s brand would make the streaming service instantly competitive has instead left the business in a murky place, with confusion among those who actually have access to the service, and the possibility that HBO Max could become a service with a ceiling as big as HBO’s current subscription base of 30+ million customers, which in turn is less than a quarter of Netflix’s total global audience of about 167 million subscribers.
It is likely for this reason, Nolan referred to HBO Max as “the worst streaming service.” Which not so coincidentally echoes AMC Theatres CEO Adam Aron, who said in a statement last week, “Clearly, WarnerMedia intends to sacrifice a considerable portion of the profitability of its movie studio division, and that of its production partners and filmmakers, to subsidize its HBO Max start-up.”
Indeed, Nolan’s more level-headed comments to ET Online better articulated the downside occurring within the rest of the industry.
“There’s such controversy around it, because they didn’t tell anyone,” Nolan said. “In 2021, they’ve got some of the top filmmakers in the world, they’ve got some of the biggest stars in the world who worked for years in some cases on these projects very close to their hearts that are meant to be big-screen experiences… And now they’re being used as a loss-leader for the streaming service – for the fledgling streaming service – without any real consultation.”
In fact, beyond a lack of consultation, there is the threat of impending litigation. While WarnerMedia opened up its checkbook to provide an undisclosed (but large) amount to star Gal Gadot and director Patty Jenkins for Wonder Woman 1984 going to HBO Max, offsetting the loss of back-ends and residuals both were set-up to make off the superhero sequel, the company did not do the same with any of the stars or filmmakers with similar deals on 2021’s slate�� not to mention business partners like Legendary Pictures.
According to Deadline, Legendary put up 75 percent of the $165 million budget for Dune and a similar figure for Godzilla vs. Kong. With Warner Bros. moving both films straight to day-and-date releases on HBO Max (with apparently no consultation), Legendary is unable to recover the loss of expected box office profits from those films. In fact, Deadline also reported that Netflix was willing to pay $250 million for Godzilla vs. Kong in a deal Legendary brokered before WarnerMedia blocked it.
Hence some in the industry have wondered whether WarnerMedia has calculated how many compensation plans (or legal challenges) they might face from profit participants on all 17 movies of its 2020 line-up. It also suggests in undergirding HBO Max in 2021, and getting its film slate out the door as soon as possible, that WarnerMedia has burned bridges in an industry notorious for delicate relationships between talent and money—kind of like Nolan’s with WB.
Read more
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HBO Max Backlash: Christopher Nolan and More Filmmakers Rip Warner Bros. Over Streaming Release
By Don Kaye
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Cineworld Confirms Closure of U.S., UK Locations After No Time to Die Delay
By David Crow
In the same THR piece that Nolan is quoted in—and which reports without quotes that The Suicide Squad director James Gunn and In the Heights helmer Jon M. Chu are also unhappy—one anonymous agent said the following:
“Warners was the quintessentially talent-friendly, filmmaker-friendly studio. Now Warners isn’t the first place, second place, or third place you want to go.”
Granted, WB insisted in its announcement of the shift that this was a unique “one-year” plan. But much like WarnerMedia’s shake-up of HBO leadership, the writing on the wall would suggest otherwise. Current WarnerMedia CEO Jason Kilar certainly left the door open for this becoming the new normal by avoiding a question in a separate CNBC interview about how this might affect 2022.
“Certainly this is pandemic-related,” Kilar said. “That’s why we’re doing it. We haven’t spent one brain cell on what the world looks like in 2022.”
Uh-huh.
It is easy to dismiss Nolan, especially after his spectacularly bad miscalculation that opening Tenet in a pandemic was firstly a good idea—and then that it could “save movie theaters.” It’s also easy to dismiss his digs at HBO Max as pettiness. An old school analog filmmaker who runs the risk of one day tilting at windmills in our digital future.
But regarding the actual specifics of WarnerMedia’s rushed and apparently haphazard plan, and the image it projects throughout the industry of how the company might do business in the future… he has a certain point.
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Kisekae Insights #8: Defining the Time War and the Parallax War
A major part of my stories revolves around the Last Great Time War. No, not that Time War between the Time Lords and Daleks, but the Last Great Time War on Earth, mainly fought by humans fighting for – alright, it’s between the Time Lords and Daleks. Many battles in the Time War weren’t directly fought between the Time Lord and Dalek factions, but they were enabled by either faction. This is the Time War I will be referring to in this series, except where stated or implied.
Another minor influence of my stories is the Parallax War. It was based on a sort of game/drama I played with a couple other friends where we were fighting an enemy named Antoni, who I later defined to be a Kaled similar to Davros. I had hoped to write a recount of those battles for Soulbound, but after putting it off due to other things, I decided to make an original story for it because I couldn’t remember a lot from those days.
The Parallax War
The Parallax War was named after the Australian children’s TV series Parallax. I didn’t watch it back in the day, but my friend did and so my understanding of the series and its elements came from how he implemented them into our games. Initially, we fought individual entities like Hackbot, an AI that went out of control and created a robotic body for itself, and Heavy Metal Monster (HMM), a “heavy metal” robot who can turn into a train and leads an army of robots. Later, when a third man joined our games, our main enemy became Antoni.
Because it has been a long time since our game ended (when we had to graduate from primary school), there is a chance that my details of it will be wrong, but in any case, this is my current interpretation of those villains. Like I said, Soulbound was intended to be a reboot of the Parallax War with the intent of recounting it, but I later decided to make it into its own thing. Hackbot and HMM were in Soulbound, it’s just that they are a bit different to their Parallax War counterparts.
Setting and Background to the Time War
Before I tell you about the Time War, I should tell you about some things that were essential for it to even be possible. I’ve told you a bit about the setting in the introduction, so this is a bit of a recap.
The setting of the personal project is based on the city of Melbourne in Australia (which just so happens to be where I live). Sometime between 1992 and 1999, the Kennett Government established One Country, Two (Naming) Systems, which would superimpose the names of places and suburbs in Melbourne with the names of places and suburbs in Hong Kong, Japan, Taiwan or even a little bit of Russia. This later extended to the whole of Australia, with states being split up and named after Chinese provinces. If Melbourne was Hong Kong, then Victoria would be Guangdong Province, or you could call them Melbongkong or Guangtoria.
Following the Dimensional Merge in 2007, the Archangel Tunnel System was established, powered by the same satellites that powered the Archangel Network. This allows people to get to versions of Cardiff, Sao Paulo, Tokyo, Chiba or northern Taiwan from three tunnels that turn off the Eastlink tollway in Melbourne. The centre of the tunnel system is in Tokyo. If you went north, you could head to Taiwan, or if you went west, you could go to Melbourne through Sao Paulo and Cardiff (one of the routes also passes through Shizuoka).
A majority of the Time War was fought by soldiers and officers born around 1998 that would graduate high school in 2016, meaning that they were child soldiers. During the same period that One Country, Two (Naming) Systems was established, the Arming Schools for the Future program was also established thanks to the machinations of individuals linked to the Daleks. As a result, preschools, primary schools and secondary schools became militarised, resulting in countless inter-school battles (like round-robin sport but deadlier). Other smaller armies not affiliated with the schools would pop up from time to time.
Following the 9/11 attacks, premier Steve Bracks (who is of the opposite party to Jeff Kennett) vowed to abolish the Arming Schools for the Future program. Following Bracks’ victory in the 2002 election, the people behind the program became paranoid and were trying to find any way they can to prevent it from being abolished. A few months later in March 2003, they manage to tip the scales by turning two preschool armies, who were in talks to form an alliance, against each other. Coincidentally, those were the armies that young Hiroki and Akari were in. The ensuing battle marked the start of Hiroki and Parker’s rise to power and conquest of the land.
Finally, when the Gonski Report was released by the federal government in February 2012, it was found that there was increased child and youth violence in Melbourne because of the program, so a bill was passed that would force the state government to phase out the program by the end of the year. By July 2012, 90% of the armies had already begun demilitarisation, but the government decided to begin a crackdown on those that had not already begun the process. It was only after a fierce battle involving Hiroki that his secondary school finally started converting their armies into classes, but by then, Hiroki had decided to leave and become a ronin.
Even with Arming Schools for the Future gone, the Time War still wasn’t over as the Daleks were still working behind the scenes to defeat Hiroki. I’ll go more into this next.
An Overview of the Time War
So, as I said, the people who started the Time War were people linked to the Daleks. In actuality, it was Akari’s relatives who started it and kept it going after schools were demilitarised. Akari is the granddaughter of the Kaled Antoni. When the Daleks went to war against the Time Lords, Antoni joined the cause as well and encouraged his children to support him and further the Dalek cause on Earth. With help from another Kaled who was sent by Antoni, they found a suitable candidate, namely Hiroki, who was known for pushing and fighting other kids at his preschool. Discovering his link to the Doctor and the Time Lords, the Daleks saw him as a target and so, they attempted to use Akari to kill him. The Daleks would manipulate their timelines so they would meet before they were supposed to actually meet in the real timeline and Akari would become acquainted with Hiroki for some time before killing him.
Of course, in order to cover this plan up, a lot of distractions were utilised, particularly the fighting between the schools. The real conflict didn’t start until around 2011-12, so in the meantime, we were left with armies fighting each other.
Following the Dimensional Merge, a lot of fictional characters started appearing on Earth, many around Hong Kong, and formed armies in order to survive in this hostile environment. Where the schools represented the armies of late-Han Dynasty and Three Kingdoms period China, the armies led by fictional characters represented the samurai clans of Sengoku period Japan. In case it wasn’t obvious, it is an homage to Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors (along with some elements of Warriors Orochi).
After being charged for insubordination in their preschool army, Parker and Hiroki are assigned to the Special Unit, where they were placed under supervision. The unit was carried over to their primary school army, where Parker and Hiroki later took full control and recruited their own comrades, with Fifi and Big Chris being among the first. In 2011, Parker was able to maintain the Special Unit as an independent army while Hiroki moved to his secondary school army. They disbanded following Parker’s death and Parker never reformed it after his revival.
Some of the other samurai-based armies were as follows:
Oda Army (led by Mario, contains characters from the Mario franchise)
Akechi Army (led by Alex, contains original human characters from the Mario Tennis series)
Toyotomi Army (led by Jon Arbuckle, contains characters from Garfield, U.S. Acres/Orson’s Farm – I’m sorry, Wyatt Duncan – and the original human characters from the Mario Golf series)
Maeda Army (led by Bowser, consists of characters from the Koopa Troop)
Shibata Army (led by Wario, contains characters from the WarioWare games)
Tokugawa Army (led by Sonic, contains characters from the Sonic franchise)
Date Army (led by Dr Eggman, consists of his minions)
Takeda Army (led by Maurice Mouseling, contains characters from Angelina Ballerina)
Sanada Army (led by Ms Mimi)
Uesugi Army (aka the Salacian Army, led by the Shark King, contains characters from Sea Princesses)
Naoe Army (led by Toad, consists of various Toads)
Lucky Star armies (see #6 for more info)
Shimazu Army (consists of the Hiiragi family)
Chōsokabe Army (consists of secondary characters and also contains characters from Koihime Musou)
Azai/Asakura Army (consists of secondary characters)
Hiroki was only in his secondary school army for 18 months before he left to become a ronin when his army began demilitarising. Throughout the second half of that, new threats arose, such as the Teiro Army and Girl Power, two armies who swept Hiroki up in their conflicts. Towards the end of 2013, Hiroki married Akari, but not long after, the Teiro Army took control of Girl Power and had Akari betray Hiroki so they could execute their nefarious plans. Hiroki went on an all-out campaign to fight Girl Power with the help of his friends. Girl Power became unstoppable when they allied with other armies, mostly consisting of Hiroki’s former enemies, to the point that it took the second coming of Jesus to stop them for good. The defeat of the Teiro Army commander marked the end of the Time War on Earth.
My stories have changed a lot over the years as I’ve had to rewrite them to retcon some small things long after I’ve finished them. My main explanation is that the events of the Time War and Parallax War caused reality to be warped and certain details in time to be in flux, meaning that certain things in time could be different from the point of view of different people, different times and different universes. The Dimensional Merge, the creation of the dimensional bridge, the black hole paradox and the coming of the demonic overlord also contributed to the warping of reality, but those are stories for another time.
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Do you ever judge people based on if they believe in God or not? no. i do not.
Do you ever brush your teeth in the shower? i’ve done that like once.
Has your printer ever stopped working at the last minute and you had a paper due the next day? What did you do? that happened with the ones at school. i either turned it in late or something.
Are you sometimes scared to express your opinions in fear of what others might think? i keep a lot to myself, yeah. i need to keep more to myself though.
Do you have a girl that is strictly a friend that isn’t related to you that you can go to? kayla.
Have you ever painted your nails on only one hand, forgetting about the other one or getting side-tracked? nope.
Have you ever tried sucrets? obviously not since i don’t know what that is.
Would you date someone that smokes? depends i suppose. like, i wouldn’t leave jake if he started smoking. however, it would irritate my asthma.
What about drinks? obviously that doesn’t bother me. last weekend jacob spent friday, saturday, and sunday night drunk.
Have you ever gone to one of those parties where everyone is falling around drunk everywhere? once or twice. maybe more. usually i was one of the falling around drunk people.
Are you “the good guy”, or “the bad guy”, or somewhere in between?
eh. i guess i’m somewhere in between, depending who you ask.
Do you ever erase the numbers off of surveys just because they annoy you? nope.
Person you like shows up at your house: you … wouldn’t be surprised since he lives here.
Last person you talked on the phone with? lady i interviewed with from the bank yesterday morning.
Do you think you will have the same best friend a year from now? i’m not sure. only time will tell. if not, i won’t have any best friend.
Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one? jon is 23 and ashley is 22.
Will tomorrow be better than today? hopefully. today wasn’t horrible but it’d be nice if tomorrow has a job offer.
What do you hear right now? wyatt is making noises and the kid show rose is watching.
What was the last thing to go into your mouth? mudslide from hacienda i think?
Do you usually tell people when you’re mad at them? nope. i usually ignore them and/or the problem.
Honestly, how is your heart lately? could be better, could be worse.
Do you miss anyone? i do.
Are you waiting for a phone call? not really right now.
If an ex said they hated you, what would you say? i wouldn’t say anything because i wouldn’t care.
What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? again, i wouldn’t care.
What do you think when someone kisses you on your forehead? i enjoy it.
What do you usually do right when you wake up? feed wyatt.
Are you looking forward to anything? not really anymore.
How late did you stay up last night? past midnight. that’s all i know.
Do you truly hate anyone? close, but maybe not.
Would you ever get a tattoo? i have three and want more.
In the past forty-eight hours, have you hung out with a girl? mom and one of my sisters.
Were you happy when you woke up today? not especially. i wasn’t in a bad mood though either.
If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you? not especially no.
Would you rather go back a week or go forward? forward.
Would you ever smile at a stranger? i do every now and then.
Who was the last person to text you? kyrie?
What are you doing today? no plans the rest of the day.
Truthfully, is there someone you used to date that you miss? nope.
Have you ever gotten burnt by a cigarette? yeah. i have.
Have you ever been so bored that you started drooling on yourself? nope.
Do you brush your teeth right away when you wake up? depends on eating.
Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? not even close.
Want to get smashed tonight? not especially.
What time are you getting up tomorrow? i have an interview at the bank at 10, so no later than 9.
Are you happy with the choices you’ve made? some, sure. others, not so much.
Think back to last June; were you single? i’ve been with jacob over nine years, so obviously not.
How did you feel when you woke up today? i was okay. a little tired.
Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying? i think so, yeah.
Describe how you feel right now. i’m pretty tired and frustrated.
Would you date someone three years older than you? if i were single, maybe.
Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? at night.
Do you think more about the past, present, or future? present and future... present probably a bit more though...
Are you okay with the life you live? there is quite a bit i want to change right now.
Could you handle living with the last person you texted? nooo.
Was the last book you read for fun, or was it for some type of assignment? fun. no longer have assignment reading.
Have you accomplished any goals you set for yourself this year so far? only 4 days into 2018, but no. not yet.
If you could go forward in time and see your life 5 years from now, what would you hope to see? job i enjoy. one more kid. own a house, or in the process. happy.
Are there still movie rental stores where you live or have they all gone out of business? there’s one. otherwise, we have redbox.
What was the last thing to annoy you or make you upset? buffy eating a stuffed octopus i had just bought wy since it’s the last one they had.
Do you think you would be a good match for your celebrity crush/es assuming you have one? Why? If you don’t have one, who was the last person you saw that you found attractive? no. i’m not attractive and too many issues.
When looking for something to watch on TV do you tend to pick shows you know you like, or try new shows that look interesting even though you’ve never heard of them before? usually what i know.
Have you ever been ditched by someone only to find them out and about with someone else? something like that.
How old were you when you had your wisdom teeth removed? i still haven’t.... i’m 24..
What is the last song you sang out loud? i don’t remember except it was country.
Where was the last job application you filled out sent to? to get into real estate. lol.
Have you ever been fired from a job? nope. i’ve only ever quit.
What do people tell you your voice sounds like? nothing.
What financial class are you? lower.
What poster is hanging closest to you? no posters.
What time did you go to bed last night? it was after midnight.
Do you watch any reality shows? not really.
Are you more comfortable with men or women? depends on the person. usually i’m uncomfortable with all people.
Do you think you’re fat? i know i am.
Have you ever borrowed money from someone and never repaid them? nope.
Do you have a pet cat? my grandparents do. i do not.
What is worse: physical or emotional pain? i think both can be horrible. i dislike emotional pain the most though.
How is your hair? static mess.
Who was the last person who called you? place wanting to set up a interview. kind of waiting to see how the bank thing goes.
How long does it take you to fall asleep at night? depends on wyatt.
How many people have you had strong feelings for in the year of 2012? one. jake.
What are you doing for your next birthday? probably go out to dinner, same as always.
Would you go on a date with someone right now if they asked? lol. yeah. cos jake does that.
Do you believe that if you want something bad enough, you’ll get it? no. usually you gotta work for what you want.
Last movie you watched? pitch perfect 3.
Who were you with? mom, ashley, erin, and wyatt.
Who came over last? alex.
Have you ever wanted to be a ballet dancer? nope.
Does your family keep tons of leftovers in the fridge? if we have them, yes.
Favourite FRIENDS character? That is, if you like it. probably joey.
Skullcandy headphones, yay or nay? sure. headphones are headphones to me.
Are you thinking of getting another piercing? Where? not really, no.
Do you love when people remember little things about you? depends who and what.
Do you ‘bless’ strangers when they sneeze? sometimes. not always.
How many phones have you gone through? quite a few. i don’t know exactly how many.
Have you always lived in the house you currently reside in? no. thank god.
Do you think your future will be a good one? hope so but not holding my breath.
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Supergirl - S5 E6 - Confidence Woman
So Horrible Boss is Shade? The Shadow? Misty Swirls? I'm going to go with Misty Swirls. Sure, it sounds like a stripper name, but.....' How Andrea (?) a member of this super duper secret organization, that she's the moment she's in a tight position she goes to blab to just any older insider? How are the members recruited or vetted? "Ah, you found our decoder ring a box of Froot Loops, here's your gun and code name. We're going to need you to covertly assassinate a duke, and oh, by the by, try not to tell anyone about us."
"I don't want to kill him, I want to save him."
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'You've worked for her before'? I mean, I know it's splitting hairs, but arguably Lena's worked with Supergirl, rather than for her; unless you're thinking of the summer that Lena lost her money and Kara decided to try her hand as a lawyer and decided to hire Lena to assist her in the office. Kara, however, seems to be irritated by the slightest mistake Lena makes, until Lena eventually realizes that Kara is actually getting turned on by Lena's obedience; and over the next several weeks they explore a BDSM relationship, until one day Lena wins the lotto and buys back her company and Kara decides to return to CatCo. And I know what you're thinking, did he just suggest that Lena and Kara enacted the plot of 50 Shade of Gray? And the answer, is no. In fact, I was suggesting they were enacting the plot of the 2002 movie, Secretary, starring Maggie Gyllenhaal as the submissive, titular secretary; and James Spader as the dominant boss, who incidentally was named E. Edward Grey. So, you know, completely different. Ah, a nostalgic flashback to a college encounter between two beautiful college girls; which was a memory apparently sparked by a bottle of booze. I think I've seen this movie before; and that one also starred someone going by the name Misty Swirls.... Honestly, in a show where people can fly and shoot lasers our of their fucking eyes, I think perhaps the least believable thing this show is trying to present to us is the idea that Lena fucking Luther was a wallflower in college or really at any point in her life. I mean, she may not have known she was a real Luther yet, and sure her mom treated her like shit; while Lex seemed to simultaneously be protective of her (I think) and belittle her (I think) - which is to say that seriously muddled whatever past Lex and Lena had together before he was finally outed as a murderer and all the other stuff. But what I'm getting at is, it seems unlikely that Lena wouldn't at least have friends in school or any of the other more outgoing traits we've seen her have in the present; and that somehow this random woman she's never mentioned before is ostensibly the person who made Lena the person she is today - but I guess that's where the booze comes in.... Oh, instead they're going to make this some sort of random fucking mystical quest; and this rich girl that's dropped out of the clear blue sky and known Lena for five minute is all in on finding this... whatever this is. And based on their apparent obsession with Titanic, I assume one of them is going to die after they find this whatchamacallit; and the other will wait 70 years then drop it into the sea. Really, this is the episode they're going to use Jon Cryer in? Don't get me wrong, I know he's not like, Calista Flockhart or something, that they would only put in certain episodes, but seeing how sporadic they used him last season; and the lengths they went to have Lex involved, but unseen, this either means this episode is going to be wildly more important or a tremendous waste of the use of Lex Luther that will probably result in him being conspicuously absent in a future episode he should definitely be physically present for. What could Andrea's father be "doing again" that involves his life insurance policy? Surely she doesn't mean killing himself for the insurance money, because he couldn't have done before, presumably. Wait, are they suggesting Kryptonite crashed to earth "millions of years ago"? How would be fucking possible? Kryptonite is supposed to be remnants from when Krypton exploded, which definitely didn't occur millions of years ago; the fact that Kara's mother is still alive is, presumably, at least one clear indication of this. That or Allura looks really good for her age. "What would Rose Dawnson do?" Hog a floating door, leaving her the supposed love of her life to die of hypothermia in the Atlantic Ocean? #ThereWasRoom #NeverForget That's some impeccable timing, for Lena to read her book at just the right moment in the whole wide jungle, so that she follows the instructions to look down and find exactly what she needed to find to help them on their way.... Those were apparently load bearing flowers. "This is very real, I assure you." I mean, isn't that exactly what a psychedelic hallucination would tell you? Since Lena was looking for...whatever... to stop Lex from finding....whatever, shouldn't Lena wonder if Lex had gotten there first? So Kord Industries of Earth 38 is our Samsung? Why would you overtly wear a medallion you don't want your friend to know you have; even if it's unlikely you'll run into her? Not to mention the odds aren't terrible she'd be there, seeing as you run in the same circles. Keep your mystical talismans in your handbag, like the rest of us. Is this the reason for Lena's beef with Kara not telling her the truth about who she is? Because these seem like wildly different sorts of lies. I get that Lex and their mother also lied to Lena, but I get the feeling this is going to be meant as the real motivation for her grudge. And boy, did Lena need that medallion; her life would have been so much better the last couple of years. Instead she's worked hard rehabilitating her family name and business, making more friends than she's apparently ever had before - if only she had a lucky charm.... Hey, it's Not-Ock before he became Not-Ock. Why are you so nosy about whether this woman you don't is drinking her drink or not? I know, I know, it's his way of hitting on her, but seriously, mind your own damn business. For all you know she's a recovering alcoholic at a crossroads in her 10 year sobriety after her husband Jonathan left with their four kids, on account of the fact she's far too obsessed with Top Chef. You don't know. Okay, I figured I'd wait a bit before comment on this; and now that I'm half way through the episode - didn't last week's preview suggest this was going to be an Alex episode? They showed Alex at the DEO and everyone but her was inceptioned and she's freaking out trying to figure out to do.... This is the most boring and uneventful villain origin story since Grimace tried to kill a bunch of people....
Holly shit, apparently my Froot Loops recruitment scenario wasn't that far off. Apparently I'm on the same wavelength as the writers and I'm not okay with that. "Take the medalion, tap it three times. You'll know what to do." This sounds an awful lot like the message Scott Calvin found inside the Santa Suite in the Santa Clause.
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Is Santa an assassin? What exactly happens to the people on the naughty list?? Are they actually showing us an unseen backstory of Lena and Kara becoming friends? Has it been some sort of mystery that viewers never quite understood this time; and now people at home are going, "Oh, that's how it happened! It all makes sense now..." Jesus Christ, all of this shit because of a fucking magical medallion, that for all Lena ever knew was just a myth? Fuck you. The medallion was the only thing that could stop Lex? What? I mean, he was stopped without it just fine. Sure, he probably killed a bunch more people that he may or may not have been able to if Lena had gotten the medallion and used it the way she wanted to. But are they honestly suggesting that Lena's great plan for "stopping Lex" was fucking magic? (sigh) They had the means of removing this guy's Borg implants this whole time and they're just fucking mentioning it now??? So what, Alex is in the one place in the entire DEO shielded from psychic attack? They really made it seem like the premise of the DEO being incepted to be the main story of this episode; and it's literally the last 10 minutes of the episode. Which means that they knew how much of a turd this episode was and had to hunt down what could pass as the most interesting part of the episode; and it seems the preview encompasses the entirety of that footage. Man, I know Alex is supposed to be a bad ass, but damn, Brainiac 5 is a lightweight. So Lena's plan was foiled because she forgot Kara has super hearing? Jesus Christ, Lena has worse mommy issues than Bruce Wayne.
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The One Where I Find My Niche
For a long time I was lost in my career endeavors. I didn’t feel like what I chose to do was really for me. So I went back to consider all the things I love and all the things I wanted to be growing up. In the end, fate had its way.
Cardiology had fascinated me for a long time. After my dad passed away in the CVICU (cardiovascular icu), I felt drawn to it. I was being pulled to that atmosphere and nothing was stopping me from getting there.
I had applied to the hospital my mom worked at 2 times before. Once while in nursing school, trying to be a tech then once shortly after I graduated. I didn’t get the tech position because of my clinical schedule and I never got a call back after graduation. I almost didn’t apply to this hospital again to be honest. Last August (2018), I was scrolling through indeed to see what was out there. I do this often, just out of curiosity. When I saw a position open in the CVICU, I applied - absentmindedly. I didn’t realize what I had done until I clicked submit. I shrugged and went on with my day. The next day I got a call asking me to come in for an interview. What?? This hospital is hard to get into and you basically have to annoy them to the point where they just give you an interview so you stop calling them lol.
An interview with HR, one with the ICU director and a working one with the clinical manager later I received a call at 7 AM from HR asking me if I could start the next week. I told her I’d love to but I’d like to let my (then) current employer know and give an acceptable notice. So I started a month later.
For the first few months in the CVICU I didn’t feel like I belonged. I was getting along with people from other units when I floated. I didn’t have any trouble talking to them. But my home unit was so cliquey, so hard to break their walls down. I loved the work I was doing for the first time in a long time but I still dreaded going to work. Other than Cathy, I had no one to talk to. Cathy and I were in nursing school together so it was nice to get back into shenanigans with her but to this day our time at work together is rare.
A week after I started, Alex started. She is friends with one of my friends from high school (they met working in the ED) so she and I started talking. I had two friends now but it didn’t feel like home still. Maybe I made a mistake leaving the place I worked at for 4 years (give or take - I moved to CA for a year). Then one day something changed.
One of the RNs, Adam, just started asking me for help with turning patients and cleaning them up. Now Adam is a brilliant nurse but he’s never serious (same) and likes to lure people in with his pranks so you have to be prepared for a night with Adam or you will leave confused and mind fucked. Maybe it was the fact I could keep up with his wit or maybe it was the fact we flow really well together or maybe it was both, but that night changed everything.
He told me that I was really badass. He noted how I had an easy time with a CIWA patient when the night before the gal helping him really didn’t. He said it in a way that sounded like he was impressed and he told another nurse, Jon, about it. Jon had a horrible night with this patient too.
We even cleaned up another patient and got her up to the chair together. She said we were treating her like she was at a spa and he said it was all because of me. Then...he just started talking to me all the time. That’s when the A team was born. A night when Alex, Adam and I work is a night where things get weird. Patient care is impeccable but we goof off a lot.
I finally feel like I am apart of the CVI family. It’s like I needed someone’s stamp of approval. Suddenly others were talking to me and sharing their lives with me, advocating for me, making sure I wasn’t alone in things. It was really nice.
A coworker bond has always been among my strongest bonds. It’s different with them. We all know very personal information about each other. We’re comfortable showing every emotion imaginable, yet there’s no judgment. There’s support and understanding and just the right amount of crass jokes. I’m so happy to be apart of a wonderful work family again.
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Chapter Thirty : MY OWN STORY
This is the end of our journey. I could have ended it with a one-two punch Stonewall-Pride extravaganza but I’m going with a more personal coda, if you’ll indulge me.
A BOY’S OWN STORY
I haven’t always known I was Queer. I guess there were signs — how I would prefer to play with my sister’s barbies than with my own construction toys. How I could be extra sensitive with benign day-to-day details or the fact that by the age of five, I knew “Pour que tu m’aimes encore” by Céline Dion by heart. “So Alex, you’re a faggot, right ?”. That’s what a schoolmate said to me during recess. I said “No”. I was 10. I didn’t know. How did he know if I didn’t know ? Is sensitive a synonym for gay, even when you’re too young to even have pubic hair ?
I started masturbated at the age of 12 and it didn’t took long before my thoughts were directed towards the male body. I ignored it and pretended it was just my mind wandering in unexpected and irrelevant places. I would do my dirty business with La Redoute catalogues, looking at the male models in underwear then switch to their female counterparts at the very end when I knew I was close. Same thing with my imagination. Penelope Cruz was my go-to fantasy beard. I was ashamed of my sexual orientation. Worst, I was ashamed of it before I could understand it. That’s the tricky part : society doesn’t teach you how to be Queer but sure makes you aware that it’s not the norm.
I didn’t know what gay was. In movies, homosexuality was always depicted through huge clichés, what I called in my articles the “Cage aux Folles” dogma. I couldn’t identify. Or maybe I rejected the notion very quickly and swore never to approach this level of absurdity. Internalized homophobia before you even understand what internalized homophobia is.
I fell in love with my first boy when I was 14 years old. He was 2 years older, not that handsome (back then) and so unattainable. I’ve known that dude my whole life. For a long time, I said to myself that one-sided love wasn’t love. I do not believe that anymore. Feeling are valid whether they’re reciprocated or not. Of the five men I fell in love with in my life, only one didn’t love me back (and another is still TBD). But he’s the man I loved the most. The pain that followed was real and undeniable.
I didn’t act on my feelings towards boys until college. In high school, I told myself I wasn’t gonna do anything with anyone until I knew for sure what I was (laugh). I turned down a couple of great girls, one became one of my closest friend in this world. There was one incident involving a girl faking drunkenness in order to inspire pity and having her ways with me at a birthday party. I was… 15, I guess. I was not into it.
A shy boy, I socially bloomed in high school due to my involvement in drama classes and a new “fuck-the-world” attitude I cultivated through a longer hair cut and a collection of converses of every color imaginable.
The day I found out I graduated from high school, I went to town with a few friends. We (barely) drank and had our PG fun. There was this boy. I didn’t know him at all as he was a friend of a friend. I was very intrigued by him and made sure to present to him what I considered my best self (mute and mysterious, I guess). When it was time to go home, we all packed ourselves in my friend’s tiny car. There wasn’t enough space for all of us so the guy was lying on floor in the back, myself in the middle seat. I don’t know what got into me, but I started putting my fingers under his shirt and caressing his lower back. Gently, like an accident. When he didn’t react, I went further. That’s when I felt his fingers on my ankle. As I got to explore more of his back, he quickly went up my pants and caressed the entirety of my leg. So erotic, you have no idea. He was the first to go home. We didn’t exchange phone numbers but he sure helped me get IT. Once alone with my friends in the car, I said “I like boys”. That was it. The electricity I felt all around my body was unchallenging. No one was shocked. No one cared. Back to our regular scheduled programs.
HOW TO BE A GAY MAN IN FOUR LESSONS (OR MORE)
The first and only real mistake was trying to define myself through my sexuality.
My first boyfriend was… let’s call him Paul. Paul was the sweetest. A very short, very elfish (not healthy, ELFISH) little dude that tried his best to give me space in our relationship to explore myself. I said tried. I was willing to lose my virginity as a bottom but it wasn’t meant to be. I became a top. Oh, but it is a nice memory. It is so rare to be a gay man and lose one’s virginity in a good way. He introduced me to his friends who found me “too country” and “fat”. Do we have to talk to each other every day ? Are nicknames necessary ? Do I love you or do I prove constantly that I love you ? Coming from a broken father/son relationship, affection towards men wasn’t easy shit. Lust, yes (though a restrained version of what lust can be). Feelings were there but I found myself incapable of materializing them the way Paul wanted me too. I broke up with him. We got back together. He then broke up with me. Back together again. We called it quits soon after. Too many variables freaked me out. I was an 18 year-old who knew nothing, Jon Snow style.
I met a couple more guys, experimented with casual dating and hookups, bottomed (wasn’t my thing). Then I met Thomas — I’m not even going to invent a name. That bitch needs to be called out. I fell madly in love with Thomas. Five days in and we said “I love you” to each other. That relationship made me come out to my mom. I just didn’t realize that I was being manipulated into loving someone. He made an effort to be extra needy and to push my Superman complex to the max. After falling for him, he told me he visited several psychiatric facilities. He tried to hurt himself more times that I can honestly remember. By the time our relationship ended, I was more a nurse than a lover. I broke up with me after he cheated on me with someone else. But not just cheat. It went from a Friday night “I’m gonna see a friend for the weekend, it’s been a while since I saw him. It’s gonna do me some good” to a Monday morning phone call “Well, he wasn’t a friend. We slept together, now I love you both and I don’t know what to do”. I made it easy for him. By Monday night, pictures of him with the other boy was all over his Facebook page. Thomas broke me in pieces. And I’m not even gonna talk about me going to the police for harassment months later. Triste vie.
That’s when I became a whore.
Not immediately. It took a few weeks of crying to go in that direction but then I was full on. I quickly moved to another city and for the next three years or so, I slept with everything with a dick that moved. Short guys, tall guys, fat ones, skinny ones, effeminate dudes, masculine cunts, three ways, public, top, bottom, ALL. OF. IT. I was unable to feel anything for those guys (some were great and deserved a lot more) but damn, did I fuck them. All of them.
I learned a lot from that time period. First, I can be great at certain sexual things. Won’t tell you which ones. Second, it gave a lot of satisfaction mixed with a sense of true emptiness. I ignored the emptiness back then but I knew why I felt satisfaction. It wasn’t the orgasms. It was a feeling that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do AKA being a gay guy having lots of sex. I saw it on TV. I saw it in porn. I knew it to be true. I was being the right kind of gay. 22 and still stupid enough to believe it.
When I moved to Paris, I fell in love twice. First with the city. Second with Pierre. In a way, he was the best of them all. Unfortunately, we met at the wrong time. Remember, I was a whore. Not that I cheated on him per say, but the need was there. Paris was giving me so much more land to cover. I met friends that partied hard. I started taking drugs. Lots of them. Festivities would last three days in a row. Sometimes four times a week. I lost 25 pounds just by being poor and high. Meanwhile, I was living a fantastic relationship with a somewhat adult man. I moved in with him for a couple of months. He was a painter and being with me helped him find inspirations. He bought me a note book and pushed me to start writing again, encouraged me to reach my full potential. But fuck my life, I had to make a choice : domesticity with this great guy (who had already been through what I was going through) or FPD (Friends/Party/Drugs). I broke his heart and entered a downward spiral. I went back to my whoring ways. I went all races, all ages, all sizes, just… all. I even was in a weird throuple for a few weeks. Drugs were taking a toll on my health and my friends weren’t supporting me the way I needed too. Six months after the break up, I reserved course. I cleaned my act, found a new job, moved into a new apartment by myself, cleared my phone from those friends’ numbers. This part of my life taught me two lessons : That I could be loved and valued for exactly who I was and that I could throw in all away for the sake of living that sweet Parisian Gay Life.
I met Jack at a time when my life was going really really well. I had been accepted at film school, I was making new friends from work, I had a perfectly stable life and newly-found good spirit. I do believe I inadvertently seduced him by singing Taylor Swift’s Blank Space at a party. I fell hard for that man. I viewed him as the perfect specimen, the epicenter of everyone I went through in the past seven years. I willingly gave him everything : a place to stay when he was looking for a new apartment, my time, my heart, my soul. I wasn’t able to keep anything for myself. It was all for him. Although I knew from the start that I was getting fucked, I didn’t care. He never loved me. Why ? That’s for another story and perhaps for him to tell you. He didn’t leave me heartbroken. He left me destroyed. To a point where I didn’t recognize myself. I’ll say it again : D.E.S.T.R.O.Y.E.D. That’s what happens when you give so much and receive so little in return. My friends had to pick up the pieces and didn’t know what to do with them. Neither did I. I went back to whoring for a short time but this time, it got dark, y’all. I fucked the wrong people. I put myself in the wrong situations. I took the wrong drugs. I kept on wrecking what was left of me.
LIFE IMITATES ART, ART IMITATES OTHER ART, ART IS ART, LIFE GOES WITH WITH FLOW.
For the following two years, all of that cured me of love and sex. I didn’t/couldn’t want either. I focused on my work.
I started writing and directing short films that talked about love between two men (a musical fantasy), how one can destroy oneself by not accepting who one is (a one-shot suicidal fantasy) and finally, a 16-minute movie about trying to figure out your place in the Queer world (my masterpiece, easy to say, right?).
In retrospect, what I couldn’t do in real life anymore (exploring and answering questions), I did it in fiction. In Faggot (and Other Semantics),there are themes of homophobia, internalized homophobia, clichés, dating apps, sex, violence and identity. I’m not saying it’s the greatest movie of all time, but it’s good. That’s why it’s so heartbreaking that I still haven’t finished it.
I used the excuse that I didn’t have enough money. Well, no I have some money put aside thanks to my friends. I though to myself that I was just lazy but fuck, I proved to myself this past month I wasn’t. So, I’m scared to finish it. Not just having to move on artistically (though it is a big part of the fear) but also, It’s kind of the end of a journey. Well, a big chapter anyway. The movie was made when I was the most wrecked version of myself. I touched subjects that are so personal to me and felt like I finally got some answers out of my questions. Finally…well, I don’t know. I went back to thinking I’m a lazy cunt.
Since then (two years), I did something every Queer person should do : I’ve explored our History. I started making research for Faggot back in 2016. I bought a couple of books, mainly “Faggots” written by Larry Kramer and “Le Rose et Le Noir” written by Frédéric Martel. The truth is, we don’t know our History. How can we ? History tried to erase us time and time again. And when real tragedy stroke, people who couldn’t have shared this History were let to die. Unlike all of the other communities, Queer people are not born into a Queer environment. Humans from all races and backgrounds are raised and can receive heritage from their peers. Some of that heritage are in books you get to read in school. What History book talks about Stonewall ? None. We, as Queer people, are cursed with the task of reinventing ourselves generation after generation. Is it so surprising then that we keep on losing ourselves along the way, trying to figure out our identity ? I had to go and search for information, nothing was giving to me openly. I’m so glad I did.
Learning our past taught me so much about how to live my present. That’s why I started to write these articles this June. I wanted to give my fellow Queers a metaphorical anchor to throw into this ocean we call Life so that they can take a closer look at the world that came before, the one that is being built right now and perhaps, what’s to come. It’s a small gift. The best I can do with my restricted reach but here we are.
Today, I told you about my own story. I came back to it with all that baggage from years of research into my Queer Heritage. I see things a bit more clearly now. In the hopes that maybe, if you deem it necessary, you will be able to do the same.
I’m signing off. Yours Truly,
The Queer King.
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Dangerous Steve, outdoor showman, comedy actor, Sideshow Illusions performer
Dangerous Steve is the stage name of Steve Collison, who was born in King’s Lynn but grew up near the Buckinghamshire village of Middle Claydon. He had the most extraordinary childhood and started living up to his name by doing dangerous things at a ridiculously young age. He was billed – by agents such as Bernard Woolley, TB Phillips and Temple’s Gala agency – as ‘the World’s Youngest Motorcycle Stunt Rider’. As well as touring internationally as Dangerous Steve, he has also worked with Magic Carpet Theatre – where he is company manager – for 30 years. And he regularly performs with Jon Marshall’s Sideshow Illusions and Dr Phantasma’s Amazing Ten in One Show.
Steve is married to fellow Sideshow Illusions performer Alexandra Collison, who was my first Widow interviewee, under her maiden name of Boanas. Alex, who is a trained soprano and has an MA in performance, often plays Yvette – the Headless Lady, Miss Elastina and No-Middle Myrtle, as well as Romana the Gypsy Queen on the Ladder of Swords. They have two children, Flossie and Winnie, who are almost destined to follow in their parents’ showbusiness footsteps. Steve chats to Liz Arratoon.
The Widow Stanton: When and how did you start stunt riding? Dangerous Steve: My dad, Peter, was the butler at Claydon House stately home in Buckinghamshire. At Christmas when I was five, Sharon, my sister, was getting lots of presents and I almost started getting a bit teary because I noticed I wasn’t getting as many. Then I was taken into the other room where there was a big present. Somewhere I’m on Cine film; there’s me unwrapping a motorbike, and apparently I just stood there shaking for ages, which was very funny. I started off just riding round the estate for a while but dad wasn’t very impressed with me just haring around on a motorbike, he wanted me to do tricks and stuff like that.
As a child, to be brought up at Claydon House… I was the only one on the estate as my sister went away to boarding school as a dancer. Sometimes I just wanted to kick a football around with my friends; on the other hand I did go around the estate thinking how lucky I was and how amazing the views over the lake were on summer evenings. We used to live in the courtyard. There was a swimming pool and stuff like that, which Sir Ralph and Lady Verney never really used, so I had my own little swimming pool. They were like my grandparents. I’d go round there on Christmas day and open presents with them.
I joined The Spirit of Britain junior motorcycle display team, which was run by a guy called Gus Scott, who used to train Eddie Kidd. I was with them from when I was five years old to seven. They were based in Luton and I toured around with them, but because I had so much space at home and they could only meet twice a week, I started practising all the tricks alone. My dad was thinking, ‘Well, he can now do all these tricks himself’, so he started taking me to do all the galas and carnivals around the country to perform on my own. Your dad sounds amazing. What sort of dad would give his kid a motorbike? Did he want to be in showbusiness himself? Yes, he did. He was very different. He managed to get an Equity card and had done some extra work and been in shows doing whatever he was asked to do. I think people are now quite interested in butlers and stately homes. My mum was very proud of me but would only watch me once I could do the tricks without falling off. I hurt myself but I never broke any bones with the motorbike. My dad was very good at starting off with quite basic things and was very strict on making sure I did things the right way. How much fun was all this for a kid? It was very exciting. I couldn’t sleep the week before a show. We’d go away in a big lorry and it was like a holiday, apart from I used to have to map-read. Some of these country fairs are in the middle of nowhere and one wrong turn, you could end up backing the lorry two miles down the road in the way of tractors… I soon got very good at map-reading because otherwise I’d get into so much trouble. I was doing tricks jumping over fire and through fire at seven or eight. Dad was very good at building props and made a tunnel of fire. Once we’d got the frame with all the fire straw in the middle of the park – we’d found a field without any sheep on it – I remember saying to him just before we lit it, ‘Dad, when we light the fire, what if I don’t want to do it?’, and he said: “You will do it. Now I’ve built it, you’ll do it.”
Once they were built, there was no going back and I’d practise and practise and practise. As I got older, people expected more from me, so the ability went up with my age; bigger jumps, bigger fire, pyrotechnics… because it was only me, whereas some of the bigger army display teams, like the White Helmets, would fill the stage. I had a load of publicity when I was awarded The Star newspaper Best in Britain award, presented by David Essex. I was sponsored by National, the petrol firm who used Smurfs to promote their brand. Sharon joined the act. Later she became a dancer and choreographer and now runs Claydons Academy, teaching dance and drama, but then she was a Smurf! Were you paid appearance fees? Yes. Once when I had a three-week tour in Scotland, the whole family came up there because it was in the summer holidays. We all stayed in a tent and it rained for most of the time. I can remember waking up one morning floating on an airbed. I didn’t realise until I put my foot outside the sleeping bag into a load of water that the whole family was floating! I’d get paid every week and we’d accumulated quite a bit of cash. The Leeds Building Society was doing deals at the gala that if you were a child you could open a bank account with £1 and you got a money box and a bag and stuff like that. Mum and dad decided the safest thing to do with the money was to go to open up an account. I was about eight. They were expecting me to give £1 and suddenly I had this wad of cash. They must have wondered where I’d got it from and just thought I’d stolen it or found it.
Did you ever go to school? I did. The school was very good and if ever there was a school fete or anything like that they’d always ask me to do my motorcycle stunt show. I was filmed on my motorbike for children’s TV with Anneka Rice, who once came to school. We had a mock school fete and she was lying down and I ended up jumping over her. What happened next? The motorbike act stopped when public liability insurance started getting really expensive. I was about 14. Then my dad and I toured the Crazy Brigade – a comedy fire brigade, very much Keystone Cops, very visual – round country shows and big galas. It was a comedy car act that drove on its own and fell apart, but it was more like a stunt comedy act. There was a lot of water! My dad built a human cannon and we thought, ‘Oh, we need an act for it’, especially when he’d taken a picture of it and sold it. We had ten shows booked in before we even had an act.
I used to worry; we had a prop, a comedy cannon, but no show. It blew up at the end and I went flying out of the end of it but not a great distance. I never got to the net on the other side of the arena. But we did it in the end and it was very successful. I knew Martin Burton of Zippos Circus from the galas and carnivals, rather than as a circus contact. When I was 15, in my last year at school, he kindly said I could do work experience on their theatre tour. Other people worked in the local bakery. I went to Wales and Carlisle and never went back to school.
What does Dangerous Steve actually do? It kind of depends where I’m booked to do it. If it’s in the middle of a town centre early on a Saturday morning with a few people walking past with shopping bags, the last thing they want to do is get stopped to watch a show by some nutter in the street. I try to make my show very entertaining and try to be likeable on stage. If it’s indoors and the audience is put there for me, it’s the same show but I have to work in a different way. I do ten things; I start on my motorcycle monowheel. It builds up a big crowd straightaway. I sit inside the wheel – the engine is inside it – and it’s a very difficult bike to balance and ride. I’ve spent the last three years learning how to do a new trick on it; a double loop the loop.
I then go on to my motorcycle sidecar, which I ride round, introduce myself, and then stand on top of the seat and juggle knives. Then I do some fire. With outdoor shows I try to make it really very appealing at the start to distract people from the funfair and the stalls by doing fire tricks and some big fireballs with fire whips and things like that…
Fire whips? Yes, they create a massive fireball. I go from there to the unsupported ladder, so I’m up high, talking to people telling them what they’re about to see, and if they don’t want to see it now’s the time to leave! I’m very proud of balancing on top of a ten-foot ladder. It’s scary, as I don’t like heights! Then I then do a giant rola-bola, so I’m on a tower, on top of a beer keg on its side and on top of a board, and then I go through a fire hoop. Then I juggle a chainsaw, and do my giant unicycle, which is bigger this year, a ten-foot unicycle, and then into a blindfold motorcycle stunt. I set two chainsaws going – possibly four this year – on a frame, and I ride round blindfolded and through the frame with a steel shield on my face and a hood over my head, which I get the audience to check. And, you know, hopefully I don’t cut my head off.
Has anything ever gone wrong? When I was learning, I broke my arm just before doing a show in a school hall. I thought, ‘That really hurt, I think I’ve damaged my arm’. In the first part of show I had to play the drums. Oh, my goodness, every time I hit the drums it was excruciating. 15 years later I finally learnt to do the trick I was trying when I broke my arm! I did a show in Scotland last year and before I went on, they announced that they were having a dog show and they’d put a big marquee in the corner of the arena, which made it quite narrow. I was driving my monowheel but I tipped over too far and the foot peg stuck into the ground and I went right over doing a somersault in the wheel, I flew out of it, got back on it, and carried on and the crowd loved it! [Laughs]
Then I got on my sidecar to juggle the knives and I went over a bump and one of the knives went into my face. I had blood running down my face. I looked at the organisers who were looking at me, like, ‘What have we booked, some cowboy?’, but actually, afterwards they loved it and they want me back. [Laughs] So it pays to hurt yourself sometimes.
How did you learn all your other skills? Because I’ve been involved in so many shows over the years, I kind of picked up all these skills individually. It was a bit of watching others and trial and error. My show is very different to anyone else’s on the outdoor circuit. I don’t know anyone else who does some of the tricks, but I’ve seen someone else doing others and I’ve thought, ‘Oh, that would be perfect for my show’.
Do you have a natural ability to pick things up? Probably not. It’s practice, and a lot of the things I’ve learnt to do, I was a teenager. If you’re a teenager you don’t mind falling off so much. It doesn’t hurt so much. I must admit some of the time now, when I’m trying new stuff out, I do think, ‘Am I a bit old for this?’.
I believe there’s one motorbike stunt that I’ve done that you haven’t… [Laughs] Yes, yes. The Wall of Death! It’s a dream and an ambition one day to do it.
It was horrific but you would love it! I’m going to contact Jake Messham and try to arrange it. I should do it September because it’s always a little bit dangerous trying new tricks out just before you get really busy for the summer season.
And the Globe of Death, do you fancy that? I would love to try. I’d try anything really.
How do you divide your time? We’re trying to stay busy all year round and it is really busy. The summer is now crazy with Dangerous Steve, so every weekend and Bank Holiday and there seem to be a lot of agricultural shows in the week as well. Last August I went from Orkney to Guernsey, doing shows on the way down as well. Summer season now… outdoor shows seem to be really good, really healthy and a full season of shows, like the olden days, really. When that quietens off in September, we go into Magic Carpet theatre shows and December, we’re sold out in schools performing a theatre show.
How did you come to join Magic Carpet so young? After Zippos the school let me go off on more work experience with Jon Marshall, who I’d worked with in the galas and carnivals when he was The Man with the X-ray Eyes. Magic Carpet is his children’s theatre company that tours schools, art centres and theatres up and down the country and occasionally we get to go abroad. The shows are very visual, good fun and exciting. It’s a comedy play. We don’t have any big message; it’s just a great way to introduce children to live theatre. They laugh all the way through and if they haven’t seen much before, they come out absolutely buzzing. Jon is very good at making it exciting and understandable. It’s a bit of a rollercoaster with highs, but we also bring them down again. We know when the dangerous bits are coming up where the kids might shout out, but no one needs to be on edge as we’ve got them under control.
Do you feel you sort of owe your career to your dad, really? Yes, very much so, dad and Jon. All through my childhood I had so much respect for my dad and so much help, hours and hours of dragging me round the country, which I enjoyed. I enjoyed where I lived at the stately home, and also the travelling around at the same time. He would be working after I’d gone to bed out in the workshop, building props for me and I’d be practising with them after school the next day, probably falling off, breaking it, and he’d be back in the workshop again mending it and telling me not to fall off again.
Do you think your experience could happen to a child these days because of health and safety… It would be very difficult. Even now with Flossie, if she falls over, the first thing that goes through your mind when she goes to pre-school, they’re going to see a bruise and it’s going to have to go in a report and they ask how it happened. They also ask the child as well to see if the stories match, whereas when I was a child and did The Spirit of Britain, I remember we were doing some practising and I set off the wrong way round the arena, ending up colliding with another bike, fell off, the foot peg went into my foot, I ended up in hospital, and then a couple of days later it was all forgotten. I wouldn’t want Flossie to hurt herself and there are ways of learning tricks with protection, but I wouldn’t put her off doing what I did. I try not to be too pushy with her because I think slow and steady will win the race.
Not like yer dad then? [Laughs] [Laughs] To be honest she’s only four, a little bit younger than I was when I started. But she is very keen on running onstage at the end of the show and she likes to go in the blade box, with blades in it. I’ve got a motorbike and sidecar and last year in Poynton, near Manchester, she sat on the sidecar.
Did you ever imagine that this would be your life? No, but later on in school everyone was talking about what they were going to do as a career, and I did think, ‘What the hell am I going to do?’. Then I thought, ‘Well, actually, I quite like what I do now. At the age of 15 I’ve already got quite a few years’ experience behind me. I’ve learnt how to do things and how not to do things’. So it would have been a waste not to carry on, and I’m so glad I stuck at it. When you’re a teenager sometimes the grass is always greener on the other side. When I was getting towards 19, some of my mates were earning quite good money doing other things, and I was thinking, ‘Oh, should I change what I do?’, but obviously I’m so glad I didn’t. I love it more now than ever.
Dangerous Steve will be appearing at Kimpton in Hertfordshire on 4 May, 2019 at the start of his summer season. Check his website for details.
Picture credit: Ian Spooner
Steve’s website
Twitter: @DangerousSteve1 @sideshowmagic
Follow @TheWidowStanton on Twitter
#dangerous steve#steve collison#sideshow illusion#Jon Marshall#magic carpet theatre#motorbike stunt rider#monowheel#anable monowheel#interview#alex collison
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Something I’d like to say...
Dear Alfalfas,
Thanks guys. Not just for putting up with me and my antics, but being there for me on this rather... unique quarter. I never really thought I could grow so close to a bunch of strangers in just a few weeks. On a side note, it’s weird to think it has only been a few weeks. It feels like its been months. Anyways, I love you all for so many different reasons. This is weird for me to type out because I’ve always had issues with intimacy and growing close to people (y’all know why), but I’m just saying what I feel in my heart. And right now, it’s saying, “I love you all so much.” Each of you all individually have made my quarter really something special.
Jon Alcantara - You are one of the funniest, most amicable people I have ever met. Not gonna lie, I was intimidated of you at first, but you just get my humor so well and are so easy to talk to. It’s hard to not love you.
Freddy - You were one of my best friends before we even started this, but now I love you so much more. I feel like I got to see more sides to you. I know you may not seem like it, but you’re one of the most loving and caring dudes I’ve ever had the chance to meet. I can’t wait until we’re roommates next year! ;)
Alex - When I first met you, your voice caught me off guard so much. You are the perfect example of a goofball to me. You’re hilarious and easygoing (I never have to worry about you), but at the same time you’re really sweet and have a huge heart. Never lose that sense of humor, man.
Ysabel - You are like this little ball of sunshine in my day every time I see you. I know you get stressed, but something about you just always makes me happier. My favorite thing is when I see you goof around and really be yourself. It’s so heartwarming to see for some reason.
Jon Hu - Okay, if it weren’t for you, I’m pretty sure we would have all had a collective mental breakdown on numerous occasions. You’re such a rock for our class (and your gains ain’t half bad either), and you do much for us all. It really shows what you’ll do for the people in your life, and I think that’s so great.
Calvin - I’m pretty sure you’re better at getting us to do stuff than anyone else in our class. That’s something I really admire. I know all the fundraisers were such a pain to do, and I can’t thank you enough for putting the team on your back for that. One day, you’re definitely going to make a great leader (and make a lot of money while you’re at it).
Michelle - You hold a special place in my heart. On a simple level, you’re so weird, and I absolutely love it. Your outbursts and the way you conduct yourself just make me smile from ear to ear. On another note, though, I know times are harder for you than anyone. I know what it’s like to be in and out of the hospital all the time, but what you’re going through is beyond anything I can imagine. It really, really breaks my heart to see you struggle, and somehow, you still smile and go about your day like nothing is wrong. You don’t even bring it up most of the time. That, to me, just shows so much strength. What I hate the most about you is the fact that I can’t help. I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could somehow do some tribal dance and make it all go away, but that’s just not how it works. You just have to keep moving forward. Take care of yourself and go one step at a time, no matter how hard it gets. You’ll make it through. I love you, and I’ll always be there for you.
Brenton - You, to me, have the most calming aura about you. Being around you just makes me feel less stressed out. On top of that, I can tell despite your quiet demeanor, you’re actually really insightful and just a good person at your core. You’re someone who I really hope finds whatever you’re looking for in the future; you deserve it.
Anthony - My puzzle-eating pal, you’re hard for me to describe, personally. Something about the contrast between your softer, gentle sort of look and passionate, fiery personality really just sparks my interest. I feel like you have a lot of insightful things to say about, and I think that’s awesome. You definitely have made some of my favorite memories this quarter with your antics.
Janice - You personally scared me at first. I think it was a combination of you looking very focused and being quiet. That being said, getting to know you better and see you smile and all of that has been one of my favorite transitions to see. I would have never thought we’d be good friends if you asked me last quarter, but I’m so glad you’re a part of my life. I know you go through a lot outside of school, and I genuinely pray that happiness finds you and your future is amazing.
Evan - Hands down, you are one of the funniest people I have ever met. I think Jimmy said it best when he said you’re more comfortable in your skin around people than I am when I’m all alone. On top of being just hilarious, you have a very sensitive, loving side to you, and I think that makes you someone I really admire. Never lose that goofiness.
Kellie - Okay, first off, your taiko concert was so awesome. I want to play the drums just thinking about it. Besides that, I think you’re so sweet and bubbly, and every time I see you, I can’t help but smile. You’re really a ray of light, and I hope from the bottom of my heart that you never lose that joy. I know you might have had a rougher time than some of us this quarter, but I’ve really seen you become more resilient because of it.
Justin - Something about just looking at you makes me smile, man. I feel like sometimes you might feel a bit alienated, but like I personally love it so much when you’re around. You’re hilarious, and I feel we actually have a lot in common. I hope for two things: that you never get mono again, and that you feel comfortable and loved in your future.
Kyle - I think you’re really unique in that you don’t really say or do anything, and somehow everyone (including myself) just thinks you’re so awesome. I think you’re really funny, and I’m still so sorry for cutting you off at rush (like really, I’m so sorry). Either way, you’re a beautiful taiko god who I think even outshines Kevin Muy. Plus, I really enjoy having you around, and I hope we get to hang more in the future.
Kevin - You’re really one of the rocks of our group, I think. I know times have been hard on you recently, but still, you hold this emotional stability that just radiates to everyone. You’re one of the few people who have ever sat with me 1 on 1 and checked to see if I was really ok. That’s something I’ll never forget and I’m eternally grateful for. I really hope your care for others is rewarded in the future with success and happiness.
Judy - I think it’s hilarious that Zootopia came out recently, because I really think you are an embodiment of Judy Hopps. Besides just being a little bit small, I think you’re so emotionally strong, and generally just a delight to be around. You always seem to be so calm and smiling, and I hope you never lose that in the future.
Jon Shih - Just typing this, I’m already grinning. You’re hard to put into words, dude. You’re this weird mix of being super weird and flamboyant and hilarious while also being super disciplined and stalwartly and stout. I think that you’ll really be able to make a difference in whatever you do in the future. You have this amazing ability to win people over with your goofiness and then lead them with your sternness. I honestly just love to be around you.
Martina - You are such a delight. Honestly, seeing you get all emotional sometimes is something I admire. I wish I could feel so strongly about things! That being said, I feel like you’re someone who has definitely lived quite a life. I think you’ve had some really good times and really bad times, and as a result, you’re very good at conducting yourself in whatever situation you are in. There’s simply too many words to describe you. You do everything well is so many different ways. I know you’re going to have a bright future.
PLEASE READ THIS BECAUSE IT IS FOR EVERYONE: I know you guys have said I’m pretty articulate and whatever before, but honestly, I really struggle to find the words that describe how I feel. I think that I’m better at doing it when I write, but even then there’s so much more I could say about all of you that I just don’t know how to. Furthermore, you guys know I bottle in a lot of my true feelings, but I really, really mean it when I say that I love you guys. In my opinion, getting to know you all has really been one of the bright spots in my life, and no matter how we grow and change in the future, I know that I’m going to remember how I feel about you all right now. No matter who you are or what you end up doing, I hope you all find a way to be happy and successful.
I love each and every one of you.
-Cole
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As Gwen Dawson—the youngest house maid at “Downton Abbey”—she secretly dreamed of escaping a life of service, and becoming a secretary (in the show’s very first season). In a memorable season six cameo, she returned to visit England’s best known stately home, as the wife of a rising politician, an eloquent feminist, and an ardent advocate for the education of women. In “Game of Thrones” she was the raven-haired wilding archer Ygritte, for whom Jon Snow broke his Night’s Watch vow of chastity—kindling an impossible passion that both characters would deny, even to themselves, until she died in his arms (toward the end of Season 4), while the wilding armies lay siege to the Wall and Castle Black, telling Snow one last time (with a broad Lancashire accent) that he “know[s] nothing.” As for the fate and fortunes of Rose Leslie’s latest character, Maia Rindell—a recent law school graduate (from a prominent and enormously wealthy Chicago family, who’s secured a job offer at the law firm of her godmother, Diane Lockhart)—this may depend less on Leslie— or her versatile gifts as an actress, or even on the storytelling skills of Robert and Michelle King in creating an absorbing sequel to their long-running CBS hit series “The Good Wife,” and rather more on the venerable broadcast channel’s marketing bet that it can launch its new subscription streaming service “All Access” by luring the old show’s loyal audience (of 10-13 million regular viewers over seven seasons) back to the colorful political and legal world of Alicia Florrick (played by Julianna Margulies, who won three Emmys and was nominated for seven more in the role), but without Margulies’ beloved character ever actually turning up in the sequel. MONROWE recently caught up with Rose Leslie by phone, shortly after her return home to London following some five months living and shooting the first season of “The Good Fight” in Brooklyn, New York. Guy Lesser: So, is Julianna Margulies going to be lured into appearing in Season 2 of “The Good Fight” when you all come back to shoot next fall? Rose Leslie: I don’t believe so. I don’t believe so. No—but, as a mere actor, that’s not something I would ever be privy to. Were you wanting to see Juliana appear? Not necessarily. But when a character like Alicia doesn’t die, with, say— An arrow through the heart? There’s no closure to her storyline, and of course Alicia does periodically receive mention in “The Good Fight.” True, true. But I loved the way they ended “The Good Wife” and left the door open— even if there isn’t any way that that she’s going to come through it. But it also reflects life, when, you know, you’re not too sure whether you are going to see an old friend again. Were you a fan of the “The Good Wife” or was it Maia’s character that convinced you to take the part? I was completely drawn into the world that the Kings created in “The Good Wife,” and I felt completely honored to be asked to be part of that. But it was the writing that really got me. I feel that they are such bold writers, and such advocates for women, and as a result, I greatly admire their work. I knew this was something I would love to be part of—particularly when it came to Maia, and the opportunity to explore in depth one character through the arc of however many episodes. She wasn’t someone—despite the privilege she was brought up with—who felt entitled or was arrogant. She realized that she had to work incredibly hard to prove her worth to her peers and others. And I rather loved her backbone and her resilience. And certainly with everything that is thrown at her through the season. You see her flaws, but you also see that she’s passionate, and dedicated to the cause of fighting injustice, and I love the core of self-belief she has. Did you discuss Maia with the Kings? They asked me to read the pilot and to come back to them—to see what I thought, and whether I was a fan of this particular genre, and this particular universe, and the character. I really loved the pilot. And they were very open to discussion in terms of letting me know what the character’s arc would be in the first season, and helping me be aware of where the character was going to go. In some ways, she seems so different from other characters you’ve played. Obviously, I’ve had to be prepared to play all kinds of women. But I always find myself being drawn to playing characters who are forced to get out of their comfort zones. Hopefully that keeps it interesting for the audience, but certainly for me—along with the development within the character—it keeps it interesting. The fictional Rindell family is very clearly modeled on Bernie Madoff’s, with many of the same questions posed about who knew what, when, and who was blissfully ignorant about the family’s and Madoff’s investment fund’s extraordinary good fortune—particularly before the scandal broke. What sort of preparation was involved for playing someone who’s American, a lawyer, and the daughter of this sort of family? I had played a couple of American characters before, so I felt at ease with the accent, although I’d never approached a project where I was talking in American for nearly five and an a half months. I listened to voices on Youtube and American TV so it would come across as naturally as possible. But I was also surrounded by Americans on set— so if I wasn’t too sure about how to pronounce a particular word, I could just ask anyone. With Maia Rindell, I didn’t necessarily check out the bar exam—was that terrible of me? But I did do some research when it came to Ponzi schemes, and I read Stephanie Madoff Mack’s autobiography, “The End of Normal.” And of course that was her take on being married to Mark Madoff, and what they were thinking, and the horrific consequences after Bernie Madoff confessed. It seems just extraordinary, crazy in a way, that his surname was “made-off.” I actually went to a minor English boarding school, called “Mill Hill,” that is sometimes confused with your boarding school, Millfield—both because of its name, and for its prowess at team sports. Of course, not only did I not fit in, but even after two years of playing them, I’m still far from sure I understand either cricket or rugby. Cricket is still something I cannot wrap my head around. I’m lost halfway through the explanation. And I still don’t get it—not that I’m proud of that—I should understand how cricket works. Rugby is a lot easier to follow—rugby I get. So were you good at sports? Interestingly enough, I know Millfield is well known for sport— my older sister was, and is fantastic when it comes to that. She did netball, a lot of hockey, and rounders. But Millfield also has a fantastic drama program. And from a very young age, rather than pursuing sport, I was always drawn to the creative side, and they were brilliant at pushing you to write pieces of your own, and perform pieces of your own. There were evenings whereby you could do whatever you wanted to do— whether that was dance or poetry or a bit of acting or singing, playing a musical instrument. And so, we were really encouraged by the school to explore. Then, after I was 18 and my A-Levels, my fabulous drama teacher—Mr [Alex] Boyd-Williams—helped me chose and hone my monologues to apply to LAMDA drama school. Helena from “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” was my “classic.” And my “modern” which was powerful, and rather harrowing, and very dark—but then, I’m kind of drawn to that—was from a Mike Bartlett play. Which is to say, the road to your playing “Emma” in the Crucible Theatre’s revival of Bartlett’s “Contractions” last year began when you were at Millfield. I really do owe my love of Bartlett and the enjoyment I find in reading his work to my drama teacher, Mr Boyd-Williams. He introduced to Bartlett, and pushed me in this particular direction. Was “Downton Abbey” in some sense your first “big break,” or somehow get you the role of Ygritte on “Game of Thrones?” Downton very much helped me land an agent, and be more confident in the acting world. And I felt incredibly privileged to have a job that lasted for 6 months. Before Downton everything I’d done was episodic, so that was a really really lovely, wonderful experience. I did hear from David Benioff’s office [GoT’s co-developer] that they happened to see me when Downton was airing in the US, and they were looking for an auburn-redhead. And as a result, I was one of many to audition for Ygritte. So [Downton] definitely helped me get my foot in the door, since I’m not sure I would have been able to audition for the role if I hadn’t been “seen.” But I feel it’s always a snowball effect— isn’t it? That each job lends to the next. Then, there’s also an element within my career driving which particular role or character I want to choose next. And hopefully through that there’s longevity.
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Rose Leslie: ALL KINDS OF WOMEN OUT OF THEIR ‘COMFORT ZONE’ 04.27.2017
photography by KRISZTIAN EDER / story by GUY LESSER
As Gwen Dawson—the youngest house maid at “Downton Abbey”—she secretly dreamed of escaping a life of service, and becoming a secretary (in the show’s very first season). In a memorable season six cameo, she returned to visit England’s best known stately home, as the wife of a rising politician, an eloquent feminist, and an ardent advocate for the education of women.
In “Game of Thrones” she was the auburn-haired wilding archer Ygritte, for whom Jon Snow broke his Night’s Watch vow of chastity—kindling an impossible passion that both characters would deny, even to themselves, until she died in his arms (toward the end of Season 4), while the wilding armies lay siege to the Wall and Castle Black, telling Snow one last time (with a broad Lancashire accent) that he “know[s] nothing.”
As for the fate and fortunes of Rose Leslie’s latest character, Maia Rindell—a recent law school graduate (from a prominent and enormously wealthy Chicago family, who’s secured a job offer at the law firm of her godmother, Diane Lockhart)—this may depend less on Leslie— or her versatile gifts as an actress, or even on the storytelling skills of Robert and Michelle King in creating an absorbing sequel to their long-running CBS hit series “The Good Wife,” and rather more on the venerable broadcast channel’s marketing bet that it can launch its new subscription streaming service “All Access” by luring the old show’s loyal audience (of 10-13 million regular viewers over seven seasons) back to the colorful political and legal world of Alicia Florrick (played by Julianna Margulies, who won three Emmys and was nominated for seven more in the role), but without Margulies’ beloved character ever actually turning up in the sequel.
MONROWE recently caught up with Rose Leslie by phone, shortly after her return home to London following some five months living and shooting the first season of “The Good Fight” in Brooklyn, New York.
Guy Lesser: So, is Julianna Margulies going to be lured into appearing in Season 2 of “The Good Fight” when you all come back to shoot next fall?
Rose Leslie: I don’t believe so. I don’t believe so. No—but, as a mere actor, that’s not something I would ever be privy to. Were you wanting to see Juliana appear?
GL: Not necessarily. But when a character like Alicia doesn’t die, with, say—
RL: An arrow through the heart?
GL: There’s no closure to her storyline, and of course Alicia does periodically receive mention in “The Good Fight.”
RL: True, true. But I loved the way they ended “The Good Wife” and left the door open— even if there isn’t any way that that she’s going to come through it. But it also reflects life, when, you know, you’re not too sure whether you are going to see an old friend again.
GL: Were you a fan of the “The Good Wife” or was it Maia’s character that convinced you to take the part?
RL: I was completely drawn into the world that the Kings created in “The Good Wife,” and I felt completely honored to be asked to be part of that. But it was the writing that really got me. I feel that they are such bold writers, and such advocates for women, and as a result, I greatly admire their work. I knew this was something I would love to be part of—particularly when it came to Maia, and the opportunity to explore in depth one character through the arc of however many episodes. She wasn’t someone—despite the privilege she was brought up with—who felt entitled or was arrogant. She realized that she had to work incredibly hard to prove her worth to her peers and others. And I rather loved her backbone and her resilience. And certainly with everything that is thrown at her through the season. You see her flaws, but you also see that she’s passionate, and dedicated to the cause of fighting injustice, and I love the core of self-belief she has.
GL: Did you discuss Maia with the Kings?
RL: They asked me to read the pilot and to come back to them—to see what I thought, and whether I was a fan of this particular genre, and this particular universe, and the character. I really loved the pilot. And they were very open to discussion in terms of letting me know what the character’s arc would be in the first season, and helping me be aware of where the character was going to go.
GL: In some ways, she seems so different from other characters you’ve played.
RL: Obviously, I’ve had to be prepared to play all kinds of women. But I always find myself being drawn to playing characters who are forced to get out of their comfort zones. Hopefully that keeps it interesting for the audience, but certainly for me—along with the development within the character—it keeps it interesting.
GL: The fictional Rindell family is very clearly modeled on Bernie Madoff’s, with many of the same questions posed about who knew what, when, and who was blissfully ignorant about the family’s and Madoff’s investment fund’s extraordinary good fortune—particularly before the scandal broke. What sort of preparation was involved for playing someone who’s American, a lawyer, and the daughter of this sort of family?
RL: I had played a couple of American characters before, so I felt at ease with the accent, although I’d never approached a project where I was talking in American for nearly five and an a half months. I listened to voices on Youtube and American TV so it would come across as naturally as possible. But I was also surrounded by Americans on set— so if I wasn’t too sure about how to pronounce a particular word, I could just ask anyone. With Maia Rindell, I didn’t necessarily check out the bar exam—was that terrible of me? But I did do some research when it came to Ponzi schemes, and I read Stephanie Madoff Mack’s autobiography, “The End of Normal.” And of course that was her take on being married to Mark Madoff, and what they were thinking, and the horrific consequences after Bernie Madoff confessed. It seems just extraordinary, crazy in a way, that his surname was “made-off.”
GL: I actually went to a minor English boarding school, called “Mill Hill,” that is sometimes confused with your boarding school, Millfield—both because of its name, and for its prowess at team sports. Of course, not only did I not fit in, but even after two years of playing them, I’m still far from sure I understand either cricket or rugby.
RL: Cricket is still something I cannot wrap my head around. I’m lost halfway through the explanation. And I still don’t get it—not that I’m proud of that—I should understand how cricket works. Rugby is a lot easier to follow—rugby I get.
GL: So were you good at sports?
RL: Interestingly enough, I know Millfield is well known for sport— my older sister was, and is fantastic when it comes to that. She did netball, a lot of hockey, and rounders. But Millfield also has a fantastic drama program. And from a very young age, rather than pursuing sport, I was always drawn to the creative side, and they were brilliant at pushing you to write pieces of your own, and perform pieces of your own. There were evenings whereby you could do whatever you wanted to do— whether that was dance or poetry or a bit of acting or singing, playing a musical instrument. And so, we were really encouraged by the school to explore.
Then, after I was 18 and my A-Levels, my fabulous drama teacher—Mr [Alex] Boyd-Williams—helped me chose and hone my monologues to apply to LAMDA drama school. Helena from “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” was my “classic.” And my “modern” which was powerful, and rather harrowing, and very dark—but then, I’m kind of drawn to that—was from a Mike Bartlett play.
GL: Which is to say, the road to your playing “Emma” in the Crucible Theatre’s revival of Bartlett’s “Contractions” last year began when you were at Millfield.
RL: I really do owe my love of Bartlett and the enjoyment I find in reading his work to my drama teacher, Mr Boyd-Williams. He introduced me to Bartlett, and pushed me in this particular direction.
GL: Was “Downton Abbey” in some sense your first “big break,” or somehow get you the role of Ygritte on “Game of Thrones?”
RL: Downton very much helped me land an agent, and be more confident in the acting world. And I felt incredibly privileged to have a job that lasted for 6 months. Before Downton everything I’d done was episodic, so that was a really really lovely, wonderful experience.
I did hear from David Benioff’s office [GoT’s co-developer} that they happened to see me when Downton was airing in the US, and they were looking for an auburn-redhead. And as a result, I was one of many to audition for Ygritte. So [Downton] definitely helped me get my foot in the door, since I’m not sure I would have been able to audition for the role if I hadn’t been “seen.” But I feel it’s always a snowball effect— isn’t it? That each job lends to the next. Then, there’s also an element within my career driving which particular role or character I want to choose next. And hopefully through that there’s longevity. . . .
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