#and my therapist is always saying like well other people are even More anxious than you

[chaosduckies]

Friends in Small Places (6)

Long story short: hit a writing block, had trouble editing, school, but we're so back and I'm excited to write all of the ideas that I've been thinking about for forever! (and thank you to the people who gave me so many ideas for future chapters and scenes) Oh man I love writing size shifter stories. So anyways I hope you enjoy this very short chapter!

Word count: 2.5k

CW: None!

It was safe to say that things were slowly getting back to normal. Things weren’t as chaotic anymore. I was allowed to keep on seeing Cas, and I did every day after my classes. He seemed to like the company even if we never really did anything. 

I was still working on getting permission to at least let him see his parents. It wasn’t exactly going so well if I were being honest. Anytime I mentioned it they said that the idea was absurd. I tried asking several of the nurses what it would take to get his parents or someone he knows down here... They said that as long as he was still unstable then he wasn’t allowed to see anyone. But I didn’t understand. Cas seemed perfectly fine. That entire situation two weeks ago was a big thing but he’s doing so much better now! If anything he’s somehow even more cautious about his movements. I don’t understand why they don’t just let him have one nice thing. 

Even if Cas wasn’t able to have any other visitors besides me and a few nurses and doctors, I managed to get them to agree to another therapist coming in for a few days. Ryan had asked me tons of questions about what was going on, and I had to answer all of them. Of course, being the great friend that he is, he offered to help out by trying to get Cas either out of there or get his brother to come. Either one would be great, and since he’s older and more experienced they might listen to him more than me. 

After classes, Ryan said he had to go check up on his partner before we left.  I asked why he didn’t have to stay with her all the time, and he just explained that she was doing so much better under his care that they were already about to get him a new “patient”. If I were being honest I envied him. He was so much better at this than I was, and he gets along with pretty much everyone. I wondered why I couldn’t, but that was an obvious answer.

I hadn’t expected any of this to happen while watching over Cas. I mean I thought I was doing a good job up until the incident, but to be fair there wasn’t much I could do in that situation other than just try and calm him down after they lied to him. I would be upset if I wasn’t allowed to see my parents anymore and they kept me pretty much isolated for the entirety of my life. Who wouldn’t be? Cas has apologized more times than I count for “making things harder” for me. One it wasn’t his fault, and two, he’s so careful and gentle there was no way he’d make things harder for me. Of course, initially, I had thought it would be impossible to even do something like this, but I’m learning a lot about this broken world we live in.

Ryan came back a few minutes later, ecstatic as always. Of course he wasn’t scared. Why would he be? He was a shifter too. Hopefully the two will get along, I already told Cas that I might be bringing a friend sometime this week, so there weren’t any huge surprises. I just had to hang onto hope that nothing bad would happen. 

“You said he’s really anxious a lot of the time right?” He asked me as we walked along the sidewalk to the huge hospital building. 

“Yeah, it’s mostly him worrying about hurting me, or really anyone in the room with him.” He nodded his head, seemingly excited about this. It was almost like he had a plan. Maybe the same thing he did with his partner? Well.. maybe a little different since his partner shrinks. Meanwhile, mine is a literal skyscraper. 

  The awkward silence stretched on between us, but that was quickly put an end to, “Hey Liam, about that incident, you said that no one tried helping him at first? Just straight lockdown?” Ryan looked a little uneasy, but I had to nod my head. I had wondered why he asked the question, but I wasn’t going to question him. But it was a little strange why he was so troubled. For as long as I’ve known him he was the kind of person that hasn’t been afraid, so it was making me worry a little. What was he scared of? 

“Ah well, I’m glad to at least help! I can’t wait to meet him either.” The nervous look on his face disappeared almost as fast as it came. Another reason why I was jealous of him. It’s like he could just brush off any inconvenience, any tiny little negative thought he’s ever had in just an instant. Though, I guess that’s what makes him such an amazing friend. 

“Yeah, he’s extremely nice. Fun to be around.” I smiled. I wasn’t lying either. He was the nicest person I’ve met, and that’s saying something. After a while, you get used to being around someone who’s much bigger than you, and then you realize they’re more scared of themselves than you are of them… I took a deep breath, finally making it onto the ground of the hospital. 

Ryan has never been here before, so I had to help him get through checking in, and of course any new people that aren’t related to or working with Cas have to do a deep and thorough search for whatever reason. Ryan kept on joking about all of the safety measures he had to go through, even making him take off his hoodie. Seriously, what were they even looking for? I didn’t have to go through as many of the checks since I come every day and actually have a connection with Cas. 

After about ten minutes of finally getting Ryan to be able to come in the room with me, we were finally walking down the huge hallway as the nurse led us. We reached the door, the nurse opened it and gave us both a smile. Well, here's to hoping Cas isn’t too spooked by Ryan. I mean I did warn him. 

I walked in front of Ryan, slowly walking in, and seeing Cas finish one of the books that were on the bookshelf. When the door slammed behind us, he looked up and lightly smiled, eyes trailing behind me and I could tell that his nerves shot up almost immediately. Especially when he fumbled while trying to place his book on the ground, instead landing with a loud thud. It made my anxiousness get the better of me before I brushed it off and stopped in front of them. 

“Uh, remember when I told you that I’d be bringing a friend here? Well, this is Ryan.” I introduced them, watching Ryan confidently walk a little ahead of me. 

“Hi! It’s nice to meet you. Casper, right?” Cas stared, almost like he was shocked at how confident they were. 

“H-hi. You can c-call me Cas.” His eyes darted to me, as if asking what he should do, but not even I had an idea. If I were being honest I was just going to let Ryan figure these things out. Usually Cas and I just played a few board games even when the pieces were as big as I was, or watched whatever movies he was allowed, which weren’t that many. I know it doesn’t sound like much but if I were being honest it seemed to be helping a lot with his confidence. It helps me get used to it too. He still seemed a little scared to move sometimes though, even if he doesn’t admit it. 

“Well Cas, we’re gonna get you out of here once and for all!” Ryan claimed. Cas looked at me, a little shocked at the outburst but gave his best nervous smile he could manage. I didn’t know what Ryan had planned but I trusted that he would make the smart decisions. I know Cas gets a little scared of new things, especially with these new pills they have him on. Paroxetine? I could tell that it was a strong one. I guess they added whatever makes him hurt so much in it because every time he takes it I notice how he cringes at any movement he makes or how shaky his hands get. I want his pain tolerance, but I don’t want to get it like how he did. It was inhumane and didn’t even seem to be helping him control his height. 

“Uh hey, you won’t be doing anything too much right?” I whispered. 

“Yeah don’t worry I’m not gonna do much. You know me.” He smiled. I did know how he worked, and it always seemed to work no matter the person. It was kind of pathetic of me that I needed so much help, but I was doing this so Cas could have a real life instead of being cooped up in a house without being able to see his parents. I felt so bad, and if this was the one time I could do something worthwhile well then I’d do what I could. 

I walked over to Cas, sitting by him to let Ryan do his thing. I just had to watch as Ryan sat and played 20 questions, asking questions about each other. It really kind of seemed like they were getting along a lot faster than Cas and I did. Maybe that was because they could both kind of relate, and Ryan was a lot more of a people person than I was. This was a good thing though. Things would move along faster and we could get Cas out of here and able to see his family again. Now I just had to figure out how I was going to repay Ryan for helping me out. I wasn’t so confident that I would’ve been able to do this on my own, even if Cas and I were getting really close. 

At some point I think I fell asleep, and when I woke up it was getting late. I groaned, sitting up and yawning. One look around and I realized that I was still in Cas’s room, even in the same place. 

“Mmm… Cas?” I rubbed my eyes before catching his hand in the corner of my vision. I whipped my head around, seeing that he had a book in hand as usual. 

“You’re up?” He quietly whispered, his attention focused on me now. 

“Yeah. Where’d Ryan go?” I lazily stood up, searching around and not seeing him anywhere. 

“Oh uh, he left a while ago. He didn’t want to wake you up.” He laughed softly, wincing when he thought he was speaking too loudly. Guess I’d have to talk to Ryan tomorrow or something. Just to see what he thinks I should do. I trusted his judgment more than I trusted mine. 

“How’d it go? Sorry I fell asleep.” I asked, stretching a little bit and packing a few things up. I knew that the nurses would come in eventually and force me out, but I’d just like to use whatever time I had left to check up on him. 

“N-no. You’re all good,” He started, nervously smiling, “Um, he was nice. I liked him. I’m glad you’re trying to help me get out of here, but I don’t think that they’ll let me.” He sighed sadly, eyeing the cast around my leg and cringing. I looked down, sucking in a deep breath. 

“Could you help me up, please?” His eyes widened, hesitantly lowering his hand by me. I struggled to get on without moving my cast around too much but managed before holding me above his knees. I could tell he was nervous, maybe even a little scared but this wasn’t the first time I’ve been in his hands and I trusted that he wouldn’t drop me. 

“Well, I think they’ll let you out of here. They’re just being stubborn.” I shrugged my shoulders. I think it was ignorant that they wouldn’t let him out of here already. To me, he’s doing a lot better than when I first met him. 

“¿De verdad lo crees? You really think so?” His tone was sad like he was just losing hope of getting out of here at all. Well, if I just left him here alone I would’ve never lived with myself. That would just be too harsh. Plus, I like to think that we were friends. I mean, we hang out pretty much every day unless I had schoolwork to catch up on. Why would I want to leave him here alone in the first place? 

“Why wouldn’t I? Someone as nice and nervous as you shouldn’t have to be watched over.” We both laughed. 

“Nervous? What? I’m not nervous.” 

“I can literally feel your hand shaking right now.” I joked, getting a soft laugh out of him. He looked away for a moment, the silence stretching between us. 

“Liam, tha-” 

Cas went quiet whenever we heard the door slam open, a nurse walking in. For some odd reason, they just looked a little troubled with something but motioned for me to go. I sighed as Cas lowered me back down, watching carefully as I climbed down and walked towards the door, the nurse eyeing my crutches the entire way.

“See you tomorrow!” I waved bye to him, getting a tiny wave in return before the nurse closed the door behind me. She escorted me out, but instead of towards the exit, it was towards another room I’d never been to before. I was about to question her before she walked into the room, grabbing a piece of paper and sighing, a nervous look on her face. 

“I have no idea if I’m making the right decision, but don’t make me regret it.” She sighed, signing what looked to be a ton of important information, but what caught my eye was the bold print at the top. Allowance of family members. My eyes widened in shock, my heartbeat growing faster from excitement. I… did it? Was she letting him see his family? 

“This paper allows Casper to see one family member for one day. The professionals cannot know about this, but… I do believe that after hearing from you two earlier that he should be allowed this. So, here you go.” She handed me the paper and pen, with only one more place to sign to officiate that we were allowing this. I quickly grabbed the pen and signed, not even hesitating for one moment, “Thank you! I don’t know what to say!” I smiled, hugging the nurse. She sighed, hugging me back and telling me that I could go back to tell Cas. 

I was surprised that I didn’t trip on my way there out of excitement, and when I opened the door I couldn’t hold in my excitement for him. 

“Cas! How would you like to see your brother tomorrow?” I smiled, seeing the shock and surprise in his eyes, and it was priceless.  ——————

TAKE THAT WRITING BLOCK!!! Oh man I can’t wait to continue writing this. And so sorry for it being like five months since I’ve actually updated this but WE’RE BACK!!! Thanks for reading! :D

Taglist: @da3dm @smolboiremy @box-beanz

(if you would like to be added or removed from the taglist please let me know!)

[catboymettaton]

tbh a lot of feedback I get when I talk about my mental health is like. Oh so you struggle to do these things? well you’re still doing them. have you considered that some people can’t even do those things. you’re fine

[notmorbid]

i could live here forever, pt. 2.

dialogue prompts from i could live here forever: a novel by hanna halperin.

you could be famous. you could do anything you want.

if you snore, i'm booting you to the couch.

i think about you, and everything bad just disappears.

that's kind of how i fall asleep at night. talking to you in my head.

it's really good to hear your voice. where are you?

do whatever you have to do.

are you still attracted to me?

you would always be welcome with me.

you're scaring me right now.

you seem really anxious. are you okay?

you're the shit. you deserve the best.

it makes me feel better to know where your head is at.

it's not paranoid when it turns out you're actually being watched.

would you mind walking me home?

thanks for walking me home. i appreciate it.

is this safe? are you safe?

i'm going to remember this day for the rest of my life.

it's hard to hear, that's all.

you use people. it's something that you do.

you know i'll always pick up. no matter what.

i left out parts of the story.

i think we should go to the hospital. we can go together.

i'm really sorry. you're not seeing me at my best.

what's a seven-letter word for a desert in a glass?

i'm kind of freaking out right now.

are you talking to anyone? a counselor or a therapist?

it's almost over. you're doing great.

i don't say this lightly, but you might have saved my life.

you deserve to be with someone who's good to you all the time.

maybe we both blew it.

i wish i could meet you for the first time right now.

i wish i could be my best self for you.

i really do believe that art can save a person.

being admired and being loved aren't the same thing.

i didn't think you were actually going to come.

you should trust your instincts.

one day you're going to look back on this and you're going to laugh.

i know it doesn't feel that way now, but you're going to be okay.

we never talk about that night.

home is a memory.

i don't think i would have survived that time without you.

do you want me to come in with you?

i remembered you taller.

i wish you'd called ahead of time.

you're as good as they come.

i didn't know where my feelings ended and yours began.

it's brave, what you did today.

i know you're lying to me.

i think things happen how they're supposed to.

i used to feel very alone. i was scared i'd always feel that way.

with you, i feel like i'm part of something.

you bring out something different in me. something i didn't even know i was capable of.

i can't be the only thing that gets you through the day.

what i want most in this world is to have a family.

i've never loved a face more than i've loved yours.

maybe this is what family is supposed to feel like.

every time i try to be normal, i mess it up.

see you soon. miss you already.

you look like someone who has their life together.

what do you like?

you ask good questions.

you're not a martyr. get over yourself.

what we have is complicated, but it's good and real.

were you waiting for me all this time?

i wish we got to know each other more.

we don't know each other well, but i'm here for you.

are you going to be okay?

i feel ____ here with me all the time.

nothing is as real as the person beside you.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I(26nb) stopped answering my ex (27nb) or asked them to stop messaging me?

They aren't asking to get back together. A while back, my partner dumped me bc we just weren't talking as much, were into different things, and drifted apart. Normal stuff people break up over all the time. They told me there was no hard feelings on their end, and I was the same. It was kind of a bummer but the fact that I wasn't especially upset was evidence the relationship was dead at that point.

At the time, my New Ex™️ asked if I needed space or if it would be okay to check in on me from time to time and make sure I was okay because, even though I said I was fine, they were worried about the effect this would have on my mental health. I'm clinically depressed and they were aware things had gotten pretty drastic years before we even met, but the entire time we knew each other I was stable, and even when I was low I wasn't a danger to myself. I have meds and a good therapist and a lot of practice with coping strategies, I'm good to go, I got a handle on myself before we met and I still have a handle on myself now. Obviously mental health isn't a guaranteed thing and just because I'm currently okay doesn't mean I always will be, but I have the tools to handle it when needed.

All this to say, when they asked if they could check up on my mental health, I was a little taken aback, wondering if they thought this would drive me to something extreme and if so why would they think that. I assured them that I was fine, totally stable and doing well and they had nothing to worry about, but I'd like to stay friends so sure, message me whenever you want.

I figured they'd check in on me in the immediate aftermath, which they did, but I thought that once that aftermath had passed they would go back to messaging me more conversationally, if at all. But since then, they keep doing "check in's" every few weeks to make sure I'm okay. This is not something they did when we were dating. I've been playing along because I'm the one who said it was okay, but I'm starting to feel a little bit weird about it?

Maybe I'm being too sensitive but it rubs me the wrong way that they only message me to do these check-ins, as if they think I'm going to fly off the deep end because we broke up. As if messaging me isn't having a convo with a friend but is instead some sort of wellness check they're obligated to perform. Like I said, I was taken aback to begin with by the implications of this, but now that they're still treating me like that months later, it's kind of pissing me off.

They literally just say "checking in" and nothing else, and they don't seem keen to converse otherwise. It gives me wellness check vibes which bothers me because I'm not in crisis, I've never been in crisis while they've known me, and them dumping me certainly didn't change that. I cannot emphasize enough that even when I was deep in depressive lows while we dated, it was never their job to do this sort of thing and they only started doing it after we broke up. It feels like they think I'm too weak or too unstable to actually be okay without them, even though I've repeatedly said that I'm currently thriving and to my knowledge there's no reason for them to think I'm currently a danger to myself.

Part of me wants to just start ignoring the messages but I'm worried that if this person thinks I'm so at-risk they need to keep checking on me months and months after dumping me, they might assume the worst if I just stop answering. The rest of me wants to just ask them to knock it off, but in that case I'm worried I'll come off as defensive and unreasonable, like I'm being offended over someone caring about my wellbeing, or that my frustration with this behaviour will make it come off harsher than I want it to. I don’t want to attack them for being worried about me, even if I find the degree of worry a bit insulting at this point.

My ex does not have an anxiety disorder and is not an anxious person at all. I have never threatened to do anything to myself in the time they've known me, and my reaction to the breakup was very calm and casual. I don’t know why they're acting like this, but it feels... I dunno, infantilizing? Condescending? I don’t know how exactly to describe it other than that it kind of feels like a slap in the face after the years and years of work I put into getting to this point with my mental health, none of which I needed them or even knew them for.

Would I be the asshole if I asked them to stop and was honest about why? Should I just ask them to stop and not elaborate? But then, if they ask, I don't want to lie, but maybe this is a situation where honesty isn't the best policy? Should I keep my mouth shut because they aren't actually doing anything wrong and I'm the one who said I fine with them checking on me? I was fine with it in the short-term, if a bit confused, but I never imagined it would still be going on months later.

What are these acronyms?

[sugarschnaps]

Julie HCs because her official page is as long as my attention span

Her official page is literally barely even there. It's just her game bio and THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE. More TCM lore or WE RIOT !!! Anyway I love Julie and she can be summarised in one sentence as my anxious baby sunflower ─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

It's canon that Julie is a very physically active person. However we don't know what sports exactly she does, but I'd like to HC that she plays football (soccer to the rest of the world, I'm British besties) and does distance running, dabbling in swimming a fair amount too. She goes surfing during the summer as well, she's literally always working on some kind of a physical thing. She doesn't go to the gym, sis doesn't need to.

She's the one that everybody goes to when it comes to style choices and the like. She does makeup on her friends for fun, the boys are not at all exempt from that, she especially loves to do makeup on them actually. You wouldn't be safe from her if she had a makeup brush in hand. Her whole desk at home is literally COVERED in makeup products divided based on whether they're hers or someone else's, takes special care of hygiene things too.

Julie might have a lot of energy, but that energy does NOT translate into how she acts with her friends. She's actually surprisingly quiet, tending to take to action more than with her words. She's a ball of anxiety usually, insecure on just about everything there is to be worried about. She's a brilliant listener because she doesn't know how to start conversations. She was absolutely "adopted" into the group by one of the more outgoing characters.

She'd cry if she got someone's coffee order wrong. Like she'd accidentally put a bit too much sugar in and when it's brought up she'd feel so guilty she'd just sit there trying not to cry- Of course, people would reassure her that it's okay and it's not the end of the world, but the poor girl is just so upset. She feels like a terrible friend whenever she makes the tiniest mistake or causes a minor inconvenience to her friends.

Girl does not know how to be mean to someone. Like she'd be stuck between "are you okay" and "im sorry" and say "are you sorry" then start crying

Literally always uses the softest tone of voice possible when she talks to people, she's actually rlly quiet. Like everyone thinks "oh she does a lot of sports she's totally a tomboy" but she's just there enjoying her friends being themselves and just thinking about how much she loves all of them

The rest of the time, though, she's the calmest presence literally ever. She's the secret keeper and the comforter. She is literally so good at reassuring people, like she's better than a licensed therapist (tbh tho in the uk the standard for them is LOW) when it comes to helping people cool off emotionally. She gives the best advice. Probably gives cuddles to her friends when they're stressed out, gives them little kisses on the top of their head and tells them they're going to be alright in fifty different ways until they calm down. She knows the love languages of everyone around her and makes sure to appeal to those in a platonic sense.

She's a good friend because she tries to be, not because she's absolutely capable in everything like the others might be. She's not intellectual in the same way Sonny or Ana might be, she's much more people smart than book smart- Can read you like an open book but will say absolutely nothing bc her fear of confrontation is real af

Julie volunteers in community gardens and at animal shelters when she isn't especially busy. It's just a habit of hers to try her best to give where she can. She's not the type that can really protect her friends, too scared of arguments and too weak to physically do much other than flee. Her heart is pure gold, and that's why her friends instead choose to protect her.

She uses every single cute nickname there is for her friends. Has some special ones set aside for specific people, but always ends up calling people "babe" (canon), "sugarcube", "hun", and the like. She also jokingly calls Leland "tough guy", change my mind (you cannot)

She's talented in a lot of things, but she doesn't quite see it. She's pretty decent with arts as well as sports, maybe not the best with literature things, but where it comes to energy and expression she absolutely excels. She was definitely that one nice popular girl. Like she'd always try her best to at the very least make up for people who were bullying other people and all that, y'know what I mean?

Her dream for the future is literally just to have two dogs. Golden retrievers specifically, but she's more than happy with the idea of more dogs. She wouldn't mind the whole romantic partner, picket-fence ideal, but she's more there for the furry babies (the dogs, which she can't decide on a name for) than she is for the romantic ideal.

She cannot, and I genuinely mean CANNOT cook anything without being worried she's undercooked it. She gets really anxious about the kitchen in general. Tends to stick to sandwiches and pre-cooked foods because she's always nervous about burning the house down. The only reason it doesn't affect her body because she's super active, honestly.

SCENTED CANDLES IN HER ROOM I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH SHE HAS PINE SCENTS, CINNAMON SCENTS, AND ALSO WOODSMOKE Taking no criticisms this is CANON.

Closest to Sonny out of everyone. They have the kind of friendship where they're remarkably similar in key traits people notice about them (examples being that they're both anxious people and they would do literally anything they possibly could to help their friends despite maybe not being suited to it) and they feel like they make up for each others' shortcomings. They have friend dates on fridays and she does his makeup for him, probably tells him orange brings out his eyes and sakfkahfkhhfuhr they're literally just friends and I love that for them

─── ⋆⋅☼⋅⋆ ───

I love Julie so much I literally just want to make her flower crowns and give her cuddles I SWEAR

[archivalofsins]

Amane gives one dude a pep talk and suddenly she's Milgram's on call therapist-

22/04/19 (Futa’s Birthday)

Futa: Ahh…… I’m not wrong…… I wasn’t doing anything wrong…Shut up, why are you going on an on about something so minor……It has nothing to do with you……Aaahhh……

Amane: Oh, were you talking to yourself, Futa-san? Or maybe there’s something there you’re able to see?

Futa: ……! O-oh, it’s just you. It’s nothing. ……but well, on that note. Hey. Don’t you have anything happening too? Since being in here, just suddenly getting anxious. Feeling as though loads of people are all there condemning you, telling you- you were wrong.

Amane: ……I’m fine. I don’t know what you’ve done or what it is you’re worried about, but I think if there’s something you believe in, you should stay true to it. It’s not something that should waver just because other people said something. I personally don’t plan on changing my own beliefs even if I’m told I’m wrong either…… ……today is your birthday, correct? I’ll pray for God to keep you under his care.

Amane actively checks on Futa who is having a hard time due to his verdict. This conversation notably has a positive impact.

22/10/24 (Shidou’s Birthday)

Amane: ……Kirisaki Shidou. How long do you plan on continuing this foolish behavior?

Shidou: I wonder what you might be referring to there I'm just doing what I need to do. If anything, I’d be happy if you would lend me a hand.

Amane: I warned you. I can no longer turn a blind eye to this wickedness taking place right in front of us. You’re bringing ruin unto yourself. Do you understand?

Shidou: No, I don’t understand. It’s my job as an adult to teach you that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to make everything go your way. If it’s a test of endurance you want, I’m happy to oblige, Amane.

"And furthermore- This may be outside of my profession, but her mental health is deteriorating as well. Both their minds and their bodies are at their limits." - "I’d be happy if you would lend me a hand."

People assumed that lending Shidou a hand meant helping with the other prisoners physical care but mental health is important in regards to the healing process as well. Given Amane's background and commitment to her beliefs if she just spoke to the other prisoners that could be a big emotional help. Something that was already alluded to with Futa who she chose to talk to.

Unlike Mahiru someone Amane has been avoiding outside of giving that warning.

22/01/17 (Mahiru’s Birthday)

Mahiru: My birthday…… the day I was born…… But was there really any reason for me being born? Lately I’ve started to wonder that. Do you ever think about stuff like that, Yuno-chan?

Yuno: Eh? Not really. I mean, Mahiru-san, you’re really the romantic type, right? Not that I have anything against that. But isn’t it a bit much to think that everything in life has a meaning? If it makes you happy to think like that then go ahead, but if it doesn’t, then isn’t that in itself meaningless?

Mahiru: : ……you might be right. I’ve always just lived my life like this, so I don’t really know.

Yuno: We’ve all just gone through a bunch of things in life that happened to lead us here. It’s nothing more than a coincidence. Definitely not fate or anything. Probably. Even if there isn’t a meaning, you can still be happy that it’s your birthday. That sort of thing’s all you need in life really. So happy birthday, Mahiru-san.

22/09/02 (Yuno’s Birthday)

Mahiru: ……no, I’m fine. As long as I don’t move too much I don’t even feel any pain. Sorry for making you worry.

Yuno: Oh, really? That’s good then. Mahiru-san, if there’s anything you want then just ask. It’s not like it’s a huge burden, I can just ask for it along with my own stuff.

Mahiru: Ok…… I’m fine for now. Sorry, for making you worry. Ah, Yuno-chan…… Today’s your birthday, right? Happy birthday.

Yuno: ………… Haha, thanks. Thank you, but y’know. Is it really ok for you to be saying that to me when you’re in that situation? ……you really aren’t suited for Milgram, huh, Mahiru-san.

From today's timeline interaction we can gather that she's begun avoiding Yuno as well. Someone who has been spending a lot of time with Mahiru, is implied to be actively caring for her, and may have gotten her the wheelchair.

23/06/27 (Amane's Birthday)

Amane: What is it… Kashiki Yuno. Don't go out of your way to sit close to me. Go away.

Yuno: It's a shame you've started feeling that way, but Mahiru's finally fallen asleep. Have a chat with me while I have a break- Oh hey, on the subject, Amane do you think it would be better to have not been born? I'm lucky I can still sort of have a good time, but it seems you're more troubled. I wonder, what do you think?

Amane: I don't think so. To be born into this world is the first miracle that must be rejoiced at. No matter how much suffering comes afterwards it won't lose its value.

Yuno: Hmm, well, happy birthday, I'm not sure how to put it, but I'm glad you were born safely.

Instead of taking these thoughts to any of the other prisoners Yuno actively approaches Amane with this topic. Projecting her own feelings and what she's seen of Mahiru's onto Amane who swiftly denies the thought. Not just Mahiru's thought on if there was any special reason behind her being born but Yuno's that there is no meaning.

Quickly going the meaning was simply being born at all regardless of what a person goes through in life that will never change the fact that was a miracle. A simple but poignant answer that only someone like Amane a person of unwavering belief, could give. An answer that Yuno is incredibly thankful for as her response to it is to literally say Happy Birthday and I'm glad you were born.

Long story short Yuno's Innocent verdict has been making her depressed. Plus, the fact that instead of confiding in any prisoner older than her or even near her age she actively went to the child with such a heavy topic says a lot.

[kai-zip]

Not so innocent

(Minnie x Miyeon)

3rd POV

It has been confirmed that Nicha known as Kim Minnie would be attending a lesson on how to stop doing drugs.

Yes, you read that right. This woman has been addicted to drugs, since her parents died in a car crash she's been blaming herself for not being there. When her parents died, she was in Thailand for some business stuffs she had to do for her work. She didn't have any other choice.

Anyhow, her close friends tried to make her feel better, Seo Soojin and Jeon Soyeon. These two have been by her side since they were like 10 and 9 years old, interesting right? A friendship that last so long.

It was her first time being in this kind of group, people who used to do drugs or just stopped doing them, like her.

That's really a weird feeling.

Why do I have to be here?

I could do this alone.

Minnie thinks. Even though she's not actually telling the truth, she would be devastated if she would do this alone cause it'd end her up doing drugs again.

So why not find a new kind of drug? Which it won't be as bad as those pills.

As she get inside to this small room, there were people. Many people.

They stared at her, all eyes on her which made her so anxious. She gulped hardly and sat on a free chair.

She looked up, her eyes caught the most beautiful gaze and eyes she ever saw. Brown eyes, a bit rounded than hers yet so beautiful. Lips? So beautiful, not so big yet not so thin. They seemed very kissable. Body? God, so thin yet so beautiful. She's going crazy, she never saw a woman like her.

"Why don't you introduce yourself to the group, love?" the woman asks.

Minnie blinks twice after that she nods and stands up from her seat.

"M-My name's Nicha Yontararak, Kim Minnie in short. Uh.. I'm from T-Thailand and moved here seven years ago. I'm currently 25 years old." Minnie says while looking onto the ground.

"Very nice, then tell me Minnie why are you here?" the woman asks.

"W-Well, I have been troubled with taking drugs and it was the time for me to stop taking them. I want a better life for myself." Minnie confesses.

The woman smiles and claps.

"Very well, you're in the right place then. Let me introduce myself before we start, my name's Cho Miyeon, I'll be your drug counselor or therapist. You can always talk to me if you want privately. I am 26 years old and I am from Korea." Miyeon points out which made Minnie be more mesmerized by her charms as her smile for example.

Yeah, she definitely wants to get better now. She wants to attend this small group.

Definitely.

As she came back from that group therapy, she also got Miyeon's number if she ever needed to call her or text her during hard times.

She immediately called her best friend, Lalisa Manoban. She's also her Assistance.

"Lisa, my lord you won't believe what I did and who I met." Minnie says, panicking.

"Yo! Tell me everything, I got some time." Lisa says on the phone.

And that's how it starts with Minnie.

Attending every group therapy that's with Miyeon.

Every month is getting better, of course she has been having some panic attacks but as Miyeon told her, she could always call her if needed. So that's what she did.

These two never talked privately, though Minnie wanted to get to know her more. She knows it's not allowed so she waited until she'd be healed completely.

Good plan right? The only problem was that she wasn't sure if that woman had a boyfriend or even if she was into women like her. She had to do some research, no?

But how? She had to ask people if she knew her. But for now, she will focus on getting better.

We'll be skipping this after six months.

Minnie got better and is officially off with those pills.

It feels so nice and relieving. Finally, can go to work without any problems, her health is getting better than before.

And the awesome part? Jennie, Lisa's girlfriend new Miyeon. So it was something great, though she's single. Not bad.

She knew that this couple will be throwing a party for their anniversary so Minnie as well as Miyeon will be invited, of course she will attend this party. And she will look really good.

Thank god the party's today so her friends will also come with their partners. So enough mumbling and check Minnie's outfit.

Nice right? Quite the hottie as people would say in our generation.

She took some pictures of herself and smiled at herself.

Damn, I look good.

Minnie thinks to herself.

In fact she does look really good, in my opinion.

Lets skip to Miyeon's outfit, right?

We don't want to miss out.

Quite the princess yet hot. On her waist she's wearing a black skirt with a heart belt. Very fancy.

And so the party began.

Both women attended the party, both looking fancy in their own way. One too sport-ish and the other one too elegance and sexy.

What a taste, am I right?

Lisa hugged the younger woman. Welcoming her as well as her girlfriend. After that, Jennie saw Miyeon dancing with a couple of other women and grabbed gently her arm pulling her where Lisa and Minnie were.

"Look who I found!" Jennie yells because of the loud music.

"Oh my god! Hey Miyeon, what's up!" Lisa yells.

Miyeon smiles and hugs both girls, then she saw Minnie. Her expression was.. interesting. She was more like surprised yet happy to see the woman doing well.

"Hello, Nicha" Miyeon says.

It made the younger blush slightly, hearing the older calling her by her Thai name.

"Hey Miyeon, long time no see huh?" Minnie asks while smiling.

"Yeah, how have you been? You haven't been in the therapy for a month now. Are you doing well?" Miyeon asks as both girls walked to the kitchen where the drinks were as well as snacks.

"I'm doing great actually. Thanks to you of course, I've been doing great. I'm still having some issues but they're not as dangerous as it used to be. I'm getting through it. How have you been?" The younger asks.

"I've been doing okay. You know, I kinda miss it not having you there. You were like uh the light in the group. I'm happy you're doing great." Miyeon says and gave the younger a smile.

"Yeah.. I guess so. Well uhm.. you look very pretty tonight." Minnie gives a compliment to the older woman.

"Oh really? So I wasn't pretty yesterday or a month ago?" Miyeon asks making Minnie panic a bit.

With that expression made Miyeon laugh.

"N-No! I-I m-mean.. you always looked pretty! Just today you look a bit.. hotter than usual?" Minnie gulps, she doesn't want to fuck up right now.

"Oh?" That made Miyeon blush.

"Y-You think.. I'm hot?"

"Of course I do. Every day, every time I saw or see you. You never get less pretty." Minnie says as she took a step closer to the older woman.

"O-Oh.. w-why thank you, N-Nicha. I also think y-you're good looking." Miyeon stutters.

Minnie smirks and took another step closer to her, wrapping a hand around the latter's waist as her left hand was on the chin of the latter's.

"Look up, baby." Minnie whispers with her his key voice. That made Miyeon nervous but obeyed.

"You really do obey quickly, don't you?" Minnie asks, but did not get a respond.

For an answer, Miyeon kisses the Thai which she did not expect it. She immediately kisses her back, wrapping her other hand on the latter's neck as she pushes the latter closer to her.

Lips connected, biting each other's bottom lip, the make out session was indeed very hungry and tensed.

Minnie did not care if people were watching them, she wanted to kiss that woman for a long time now. There's nothing stopping her now.

She picked up the latter, sitting her on the kitchen counter as they keep kissing each other.

The Thai was leaving sloppy, yet wet kisses on the latter's neck making the older woman groan from pleasure as she wrapped her legs around the Thai's waist.

That drove the younger woman crazy, she looked up at the older woman as they both made an eye contact.

"Let's go to my car, shall we?" Minnie whispers near the older's ear. Miyeon just nodded, with that Minnie picked her up walking towards the exit door. She opened it and stepped outside as she closed the door behind her.

She took out her car keys, walking towards her car. Opened the door from the back seats, laid Miyeon as she went on top of her as she closed the door and locked the car doors again.

"You're mine for the night." Minnie whispers.

"Oh yeah? Says who?" Miyeon teases.

"Says me. You'll be mine for now and for the rest of our lives, princess." Minnie says which made Miyeon smile.

"Hm, I like that idea. Let's do it." Miyeon says as she trails her hand on Minnie's adidas long jacket.

She pushes the younger to sit as she gets on her lap.

"My body belongs to you for today, Nicha~" Miyeon whispers near to the younger's ear as she slowly grinds onto the Thai's thigh.

"Mmm, I like how that sounds baby." Minnie places her hands onto the older's waist as her hands follows the rhythm of her hips.

Miyeon slowly took her own light jacket off, still grinding onto the Thai's thigh making her moan softly.

"N-Nicha" she moans near Minnie's ear.

Fuck. Minnie thinks.

Minnie wanted so badly to touch her but was so worried that people would be able to take pictures of them.

Ugh, I don't care. Why am I overthinking while she's being a mess on my lap?

Get it together Nicha!

With that, she harshly pushes Miyeon down as she's on top of her and her hand between her thighs.

Minnie rubs the older's inner thigh making her groan.

"You like that? Being all slutty to your old patient?" Minnie asks with her husky voice making Miyeon more wet as she was before.

"N-No.. only when it comes to you. You make me lose my mind." Miyeon says and with that Minnie was taking already off the older's underwear.

"We don't need that now, do we?" Minnie asks as Miyeon shakes her head.

"Good. Now be a good girl and enjoy it for as long as you can." Minnie says as she slowly kisses Miyeon's stomach down to her thighs while she was still wearing the skirt.

She pushed two fingers inside the older unexpectedly, which caught the older by surprise and made her moan loudly. Minnie pushed the skirt a bit up, making more room for her to spread the older's legs. Which she successfully did, she brought her face near the wet core of the older woman's and started licking her clit while thrusting her finger harshly into the older.

The older was a moaning mess, she harshly grabbed onto the younger's hair. She felt how the Thai's tongue swirled and moving, every movement of her fingers and tongue. It was an amazing feeling, she couldn't explain the butterflies yet the hotness she and her body was feeling right now.

"N-Nicha! Oh my god!" Miyeon moans loudly as she arches her back and biting her lip harshly.

That made the Thai smirk as she thrust her finger harder, making the latter's body shake a lot. She knows that the woman was close, already.

It didn't stop her though, she inserted another finger. Three in total. Which made the latter moan louder and pull her hair hard.

"F-Fuck!" Miyeon groans, pushing the younger's face closer to her wet core.

Minnie liked how messy the latter is when it comes to having an intimate moment with her. She wants to have that more with her and she will.

After a second the latter released which made the Thai take a last lick and take her fingers off.

"Suck them." The Thai says to the latter.

Miyeon obeyed and tried carefully to get a bit up, she put Minnie's fingers into her mouth and sucked them. She was tasting herself.

"It's sweet, isn't it?" The Thai asks.

The latter nods as she keeps sucking onto the Thai's fingers.

"I want to taste you every day. And I will, you're mine baby. My princess, my good girl." Minnie says as she takes her fingers out slowly leaving a saliva connected to the latter's mouth.

"Mmm.. yes I am." Miyeon says. She can't lie right now, she really liked it. Owning her. Especially a woman like Minnie.

"And I am yours. Is that a deal, sweetheart?" Minnie asks as she makes Miyeon sit on her lap which the latter did.

Both of the cuddled each other for a bit.

"It's a deal baby." Miyeon says and kisses Minnie's cheek.

Both smiled like idiots, Minnie knew she had to drive back home but she wanted to stay like this for a while.

[mageofseven]

Hello! I saw you opening match up requests soo here I am- Group choices :The Brothers

I'm a Taurus, but idk what that can be useful of

-Personally, I think I'm the kind that would only be interested towards special stuff/people, about the one I don't like,I don't actually care.(I will/try to remember every detail on the one that I'm interested.)I'm an extrovert(ESTP kind of extrovert)

-But if I'm outside, I still feel a bit shy

-My hobby/interest would actually be playing video games, but at the same time I like to write short stories. I'm extroverted in games and internet, but a bit shy sometimes irl. My friends say I'm a cheerful but chaotic person tho

For the games part, I like RPGs the most, that's also mostly my writing ideas are from!

-In my friend's opinion, I'm a therapist-like friend:D and the smart girl who always decides on whatever question they give me when they are confused.

-If about struggles/insecurity , the only thing I struggle abt is probably annoying people. I feel like I annoy people every time I talk to them and they don't seem happy. But I just wanna try cheer them up with hope that they won't feel even worse!

-Im a pansexual female(if that helps) and I swear, friends to lovers is smth I like a LOT.

Lastly, Hopefully I understood the guild lines right and doesn't get anything wrong! Have a good day/night/afternoon/time when u see this

An ESTP therapist friend? I did not expect that! I'm so used to therapist friends being ISFJs and INFPs, though in fairness, I can't say I've ever met an ESTP. Well, other than my late grandfather anyway.

Anyway!

From what I know about Tauruses (which my mom is one btw!), you like the best things in life and treasure home comforts. You are down-to-earth and loyal, but also very stubborn. (Also, side note! Your astrological skepticism is adorably ESTP and I love that for you 🥰)

Being an ESTP means your function stack is SeTiFeNi or simply SeTi. This means your primary function is Extraverted Sensing and is your main method of collecting information in you life. In it's simplest form, this just means you have to experience something to fully understand it. You understand better when you can touch it, see it, hear it, use all your senses on it. Hypotheticals simply aren't enough for you to grasp concepts and truly feel connected to them.

Next, you use Introverted Thinking. It's your auxiliary (or secondary) function that mostly operates in the background and supports your primary function Se. It's your logical frame work and reference material, which is used as a tool to solve problems you discover with your Se.

All of this paired with the rest of your info really brings one Brother to mind.

I pair you with...

Mammon

Friends to lovers??? Say no more! Here's your ride or die bestie! Because let's face it, this man will be far too anxious to ask you out anytime soon, but he will have your back no matter what.

Mammon too is a shy extraverted. At least, he's shy to those who are new and matter to him, even if he tries to pretend otherwise. I can see him being afraid to annoy those who fall under this category too so he'd definitely empathize with you on this and go out of his way to make sure you know he could never be annoyed by you so don't worry about it! (I'd take this as a fun challenge, but that's just me hehe~). He'd really try to be comforting to you about your insecurities because, in truth, he has a lot of them himself, even if he pretends otherwise. In general, this man does a lot of pretending 😅

Mammon likes video games too so I can see him chilling and watching you play your RPGs and anytime you get stuck on a particular part, he'd gloat and say he could do it so easily. Then he'd actually try and 9/10 times fail worse than you did and the 1/10 get lucky and brag like "See? I told you The Great Mammon gots this!".

He'd ask to read your writings as well as a way of trying to support this hobby of yours, but not really make it that far into whatever story you hand him (I have a headcanon that Mammon struggles with dyslexia) so instead he'd ask you to just tell him about it yourself or better yet, read it to him.

Overall, I think Mammon would be a fun boyfriend who would go out of his way to understand you and support your interests. It might take a while for him to ask you out (if you yourself don't do it first at least), but once you are together, you'll never doubt his love and support of you 🥰

[perplexingluciddreams]

been a while, typed a bit of an update

as of now, my therapist has diagnosed me with selective mutism. She said it was less about the accuracy of the diagnosis and more so hoping that an official diagnosis could help

On the 7th we will be seeing a specialist in selective mutism.

my school has thoughts. however basically in a way they might kick me out. It's a very small school and they think they don't really have the resources to support me.

in this social skills group, 1 girl said "well if 🍋 can't talk or chooses not to talk it doesn't really matter"

guy who runs the group is Ok, but during a meeting he asked about my iPad case than took my iPad. Eventually held my hand out for him to give it back and he waved his hand back and went "what, just taking a peek"

he also told the group about my diagnosis of selective mutism and talking without ever asking me if it was ok

it surprises me how people closer to my age are sometimes more accepting and respectful than the adults who should be, like you

the thought of going off anon has been invading my mind more often. how terrifying (whichever tone you read it in, not sure myself Imao)

-🍋

Lovely to hear from you again, however I am sorry you sound to be having a difficult time.

I’m glad you at least have an official diagnosis, I hope that will prove helpful. And fingers crossed the specialist can help in some way.

The school situation and social skills group situation sounds difficult. I don’t really know what to say about it, but even though I can’t “put myself in your shoes”, I’m still sorry it’s happening. Especially having your iPad taken, it makes me so anxious when people take my things, because I always automatically assume people have good intentions (or just don’t question it), then if they won’t give it back or invade my privacy I get really upset. I hope you weren’t too upset about it and if you were/are, I am very sorry.

I really do think our generation is generally more accepting and more aware. Although not always, but I’m glad that we have found each other at least - and if there’s two of us, surely there’s others out there too! I try to keep that mindset even when I feel like I’m alone and the only one experiencing this (whatever “this” may be, it can apply to different situations).

If you want to go off anon, I’d be happy to learn a bit more about you, and interact the same. If not, I still love getting these asks, and I’ll still continue to interact with you the same way. If you want to take it in “baby steps”, then that’s okay too! Maybe just telling me one detail about you to start off with, or if you’re scared of the posts being on my blog, you’re welcome to send a private message (just introduce yourself as 🍋!! :D). I don’t know what tone you mean terrifying in, but I hope this was the right response anyway.

Hope to hear from you again as soon as you can/want 👍🏻😊

[littleapocalypsekitten]

Okay, there is something I've wanted to get off my chest for a few days now... and my therapist has already heard it all. Warning: This is political. Warning: This will unveil a part of the Shadsie Lore that may make some of you unfollow me or even block me. I do not care. I thought "I shouldn't talk about this on the Internet, even on a place unconnected to my real name" until this article just slapped me in the face and told me that I needed to talk about it:

Ex-Felons Responding to the Trump Verdict I spent a chunk of my high school years visiting my brother in prison, where he served just shy of 4 years for an incident that he is lucky to have survived - he's white, he was arrested by sleepy-desert-town country cops who like the guards of Whiterun in Skyrim mostly deal with drunken brawls and petty thievery and weren't as trigger-happy as the city-cops. Knowing his stories, I know that the American prison system needs reformation badly, as it doesn't rehabilitate people so much as just give them a lot of trauma and, in some cases, makes them worse. And then... came time... Crime Time... for me. *Sad, scared little squeak talking about this.*

So, I did something that I am not proud of damn near 20 years ago. I will not elaborate save to say that: 1. A single felony and associated misdemeanours 2. No one was (physically) harmed 3. It was related to my mental health and how I got a diagnosis. 4. I served no time. 5. I was railroaded into a plea deal - I was contrite and fully confessed to the misdemeanours, but thought that the more serious charge that the DA wanted to pin on me was going overboard. 6. I felt like I couldn't win if it went to trial with only a public defender in my corner and so pleaded to the greater charge in exchange for serving probation. 7. I served 2 years of probation and it amuses me to this day that they gave me an officer who was pregnant. She had to give me over to another officer when she went to have her baby. I asked how she and the baby were and like to joke that I must have been one of the county's nicest criminals for them to give me a probation officer in a delicate condition. 8. This happened almost 20 years ago and it messes up my life to this day. It kept me from getting a job I wanted. (Thankfully I recently got a job with a company that doesn't look further than 7 years back). 9. Having had my record brought to my attention, I researched pardoning and gathered materials and sent off a package to petition my governor. At the speed of bureaucracy I expect to hear back about the initial filing process, let alone getting a hearing, *looks at watch and taps foot* oh, about when Pangea Ultima forms and the world has been taken over by the descendants of squids. Anyway, I've had mixed feelings all this week. On one hand, I'm elated - for once, the GREASED HOG HAS BEEN CAUGHT ON SOMETHING! Always nice to see the rich and powerful get some kind of censure, if not full justice. On the other hand, I see a lot of people online talking about felons not having rights and not having dignity and so forth - you know, the stigmas. Personally, I am never going to run for President, I do not think I would do well with a position of power and have no desire for it. In fact, I am skeptical of the morals of anyone who wants a lot of power. I am an anxious type who'd constantly worry about messing up people's lives on accident. I certainly could not do the President-thing of ordering war-actions (because my personal hero is Vash the Stampede... "thou shall not kill"). And, despite my favorite anime being Trigun and my love of playing Fallout... I don't want anything to do with guns in real life, so no worries on the gun-ownership thing. I live in a state that allows ex-felons to vote so long as they've served their time/probation. I may want to move to a state in the future where I am not sure that is allowed to be with family (One of my reasons for seeking a pardon). Between my brother and me, I am VERY concerned with the human rights and civil rights of repentant ex-cons and of those people in the prison / legal system. That said: Mr. Trump is NOT "one of us." He is a rich (or at least bluffs his way) and powerful and is being treated with the softest of kid gloves. (If I had pulled the threats and outbursts that he had in the courtroom during my hearings, I would have been jailed). I was silent, spoke only when spoken to. He'll never want for a job or money as even if he's more broke than he lets on, he has his slathering minions who send him millions of dollars in a day. He'll never have to rely on a public defender (as passionate and dedicated as they are, they are overloaded and not well listened to in the court system) - he'll always have excellent monied lawyers. I enjoy the HELL out of the idea that he's going to have a probation officer, but I do not think it will humble him. Covid, after all, didn't give him the impression of being a mere mortal man. If anything, this trial, even this conviction, highlights the disparities in the American legal system for me.

[sincelastsession]

I have had more creepy men hit on me recently. Is it cuffing season or do I have a flashing sign over me saying "OMG WEIRDOS SHE IS HERE"

....

I never posted this yesterday like I thought.

I'm really nervous and anxious about a lot.

Justin and I spoke and I was clear with him. I felt guilty for everything. He's unable to see the things he did that were wrong. He is clearly upset with me and thinks I led him on. I apologized though I shouldn't have to because that was never an intention to hurt him. There was a frank discussion and it was awkward. My partner was right.

My mom visited and helped me with a few things. I have to see my psychiatrist soon. I'm very worried he may want me to go inpatient. I'm not a harm to myself or others. I'm just very hypervigiliant and have been dysregulated too much from many many triggers in a short time. I agree with her.

She did see my book and she did flip through it and take a picture of the cover. She was not happy that I feel she has contributed to my mental health issues and was on the defensive. Hurt dogs gonna holler though. She did allow me to read some of it to her and explain that I saw she was very traumatized too and that is probably why she responds how she does and that I did see her trying. I think hurt people hurt people. I think she has work to do like me. I still am hurt that I'm the one busting my ass trying to fix all the things within my circle of control but I understand that some people aren't capable of growth. It hurts to be aware of that and it's hard to emotionally accept.

Logically I can see most of my issues and that of others. Emotionally it takes me a long time to catch up to the logic. I know I can't just logic myself better or it would be done by now. That's exactly why therapists see other therapists aside from consulting and such. I couldn't treat myself by myself even at the highest level of education. That's just not how brains are setup.

My mom being a charge nurse, doesn't think I belong near any facility because she doesn't think it's helpful and that there should be affordable facilities or medicaid covered ptsd places as it is traumatic for those who have cptsd or regular ptsd.

My partner is being more vulnerable with me and admitted to having auditory hallucination type problems when things were quiet so he doesn't like total silence and listens to certain types of music to soothe. He didn't tell me of a diagnosis. He said there were several factors that caused it. I'm not bothered by this in the least. I'm glad he opened up to me. I understand a lot more now.

Growing up with a schizophrenic uncle taught me early on that it's not a pleasant thing for people who experience hallucinations to deal with. People with neurological disorders aren't bad people. There's a huge stigma around it. My Uncle suffers terribly from his but he has never be an asshole and he used to come out of his room to spend time talking to me before he'd tell me he was going back to his room. My Aunts have forbade me from speaking to him because he's not well. I think it's bullshit and he could use someone who isn't going to treat him like he's broken and isolate him. My heart hurts for him. He's honestly my favorite uncle. I think we have always understood one another. I always felt like he was an older sibling more than an Uncle.

I hope my partner understands that I'm never judging him on his issues. I hope he understands that I'm safe to continue opening up to. If he's not ready to explain his diagnosis but has a handle on his issues to the point they aren't hurting me then that's ok.

I have many things I'm not ready to tell him. I think it's a bit wild how we are alike in many ways.

Dr. Todd always told me that someone similar, with high intelligence, and problems of thier own that they work on would be good for me. I wish he was alive so I could ask him more questions about why. He was a smart man. He knew things about the world that most people think of as conspiracy. He worked on secret things that just make me sound nuts if I were to explain. I think it's why he told me not long before he got suddenly sick and passed. He knew no one would believe me. That's ok though. They don't have to. The govt already released some of the information anyway. The rest will probably come in due time. I know it sounds batshit but there's far more things in this world than what we know or are able to grasp and many things considered fringe science are actually real things. It would cause mass panic if everyone knew. I missed bringing him coffee today to his grave. I really need to do that soon. It's ok if no one understands.

The people that loved me and understood me most are all dead. It feels like it's my fault. My friend Cole used to joke about how I was a harbinger of bad luck. He died not long after in a very sad way.

Matt got me to eat yesterday. He told me "We all have our own ways of fighting ourselves, but now you’re fighting back" when I told him I was embarrassed that I was having trouble even picking out food. I allowed him to pick for me and felt relief. I am fat but I definitely needed to eat. My eating disorder doesn't get to win.

My mom told me today that my neighbor is way bigger than me. I don't body shame ppl. It did give me perspective though because I can't see myself correctly. If I do it's rare and I feel very distressed because it brings me back to medical and other physical traumas. I would rather be unaware that my body exists and only clothe it with things that don't look terrible. I generally need help shopping for clothing. It's very triggering to see my body during trying things on. Only certain people are good at being honest with me. However I haven't really developed a wardrobe. I still have beat up shirts from when I was a teen. I'm actually really sad one of them is beyond wearable outside of the privacy of my home because of the ridiculous amount of holes. I really need to build a style and wardrobe. I want to look good but I don't really know what suits me. I feel jealous of the women that have an "aesthetic" and look gorgeous, get their nails done, and wear cute makeup looks. I want to fit in. I feel like I'm a shape that nothing looks good on. I saw a plastic surgeon and was told I needed to be like 150 for her to touch me. I didn't want much done. I don't want to be thin with saggy extra skin. I feel 180 would be a healthy weight for me and I wouldn't look bad. I keep wanting to be in the gym but I don't know which one is going to be what I need. There's so much physical work I need to do on myself.

Matt knows I struggle with all this. He doesn't push me to show him my body or do things that make me uncomfortable.

I am really tired. I truly feel burnt out right now. I feel like I won't get to move or get a break. I'm in survival mode and I can't remember the last long period I was not. Matt helps but I'm trying not to rely on him for everything. I've been like that my whole life. Trying to not rely on people. I have to though sometimes. I know why I'm like this. I know what things did this. But knowing is great and all however undoing it and balancing myself to be healthy is terrifying. Normal people scare the fuck out of me more than literal serial killers and people who stay in psych facilities. Sometimes I think ppl are overdiagnosed and underloved and completely misunderstood. I wish I could help rehabilitate people in a way that doesn't involve it being scary. I have to rehabilitate and parent myself first though. I was a parentified child and now I don't know what to do because society expects me to be an adult and I want to decompress and do everything I missed out on.

I need to go decompress and have some time with my earplugs in because my neighbors are being very loud and it's "ratchet" as my neighbor Ms. Darlene would say. I don't want it kicking up more stress but it is. It's 11:41 at night and they are loud as hell.

I was told by my psych that if the noise was causing problems and the earplugs weren't helping and I felt unsafe then I needed to move to a quieter safer feeling place. I can't get better if I'm unable to get put of freeze state. I'm exhausted from it. Hearing a man hollering and whoever else outside from inside my apartment is overwhelming. I should not be reenacting my childhood hiding in my bed breathing shallow quiet as a mouse.

I wish I could have imaging done to see what's damaged in my brain from lifelong trauma. I want to understand what that looks like and just know about it. See it. Feel like I'm not crazy because I have that as proof.

I watched the movie split and the movie glass yesterday. They don't portray the DID patient as how it really is the story and acting were phenomenal. I've met DID patients and OSDD patients and I understand it. It's incredibly sad but they're protecting themselves. I find it interesting that one trauma or a couple can split some people into many parts and unless I do have a dissociative disorder I really don't understand how I turned out this way. I don't even know how I got lucky and didn't end up full on DID or a sociopath etc...

Ok I think that's enough for tonight.

I'm going to go fuck around on Sims4 and have distraction time from the LOUD ASS PEOPLE

BTW the pool is GREEEEEN like I had a breakdown one night and asked whatever deity might listen to make the noise stop. Woke up to THIS. I feel like it was a blessing of sorts. I can't explain it. But LOOK! (The color is actually pretty though) I hope they take FOREVER to clean it. I liked swimming but it's too hot and the pool was always full of rude people that wouldn't give me space. I think a gym with pool lanes will be good for me.

[bisognamorire]

Beloved and dearly missed A.,

Happy Friday!

I am unsure what you would think of me writing these, because isn’t this kind of ‘not letting go’? But I thought: for me it is in a way, because I’m not asking for a response or acknowledgement and whether I type it out or not is a bit of the same, because I would tell you in my mind, if I wasn’t writing it down. I always want to talk with you. I always miss you. And you know I am always delusional and pathetic.

Two days ago, I had some nervousness inducing conversations with my therapist about me being dissociated most of the time, up to the point that I even dissociate in therapy sessions and can’t really process or understand/accept what is being said to me. And that I feel anxious to ask questions because I worry my therapist might not be honest to me when I ask her to be upfront (which is ofc my own trust issues) or might feel I’m annoying her.

We then looked closer at that cycle of dissociation and anxiety. I felt horrified to see how torn that inner insecurity (almost a grappling for the perception of reality between the “trauma brain/adult brain”) makes me feel and act at times. Sure you remember. And to get a sense of all the potential damage that volatile dynamic can cause others and myself.

This week has started with many people calling in sick to work, so I was obliged to take on more shifts than I originally had. Needless to mention that that isn’t very pleasant. I feel rather knocked out by this week. Patients and coworkers have been rather rude too — it reminded me of the time you worked in the city museum front desk. I, too, experience the general public’s madness everyday. So many bizarre things that I can’t possibly write it all down or remember it. I was once asked out of the blue, mid conversation, by a grandpa whether I was wearing a wig. An other patient complained to me that his taxi was taking too long to pick him up, but he apparently hadn’t even called one (?). Then the general babylonic discourses with russian people who are unfazed at me telling them I don’t speak russian and who proceed to speak russian anyway… 🫨

Im just constantly tired and exhausted— it reminded me of that little sketch you drew of yourself of rotting in bed and saying ‘surely theres a better way to live my life than that’.

Yesterday I rolled over in bed and stared at my wall. My blanket had wrapped around my torso tightly. I remembered you hugging me like that in the bed you had set up for me in your room on that last night and just began to cry horribly.

Not all that I feel can be expressed in words about all that.

I’ve also not slept very well all week and woke up in the middle of the night. I suppose dad and you are haunting me in my subconscious.

But — on to more ‘joyous’ things.

You know how I read up about the Somerton Man (scary) and I was very intrigued by the process of identifying him and just the mystery around that ‘Tamam Shud’ from Omar Khayyam’s Rubaiyat in his pocket. I had wanted to have a copy of that for myself (there are such nice editions with art nouveau illustrations which you would surely appreciate too) and went to a nearby antique book store after my massage last Saturday. They had a battered 1913 copy (unfortunately without illustrations) of it and some of the poems really resonated with how I feel.

Heres some of my favourites:

Three days ago the rest of my Yamato Cosplay unexpectedly arrived in the mail, so I took some joy out of completing the costume for now. I feel like my inner transmasc oni was turned outward finally! 👹

For my birthday last year Sharon’s boyfriend gifted me a box of Basilur Green Tea assortment from the russian supermarket in front of my house. I usually don’t like green tea, so I only tried it recently. In that assortment they had a few sachets of milk oolong tea, do you know it? I love it now. I drink it with two or three spoons of sugar and a bit of milk. Its not as irritating to the stomach as the Earl Grey I favour, maybe you can try it? ♥️

While we are on the topic of Earl Grey — after I have completed a cosplay of Transmasc Oni Yamato (my alter ego) I am now thinking of doing a Ciel Phantomhive or Pinocchio from Lies of P cosplay, just because they’re both giving off that assholish midget horse-lady Laurent vibes, which — as you know — is also my alter ego 😏

I’ve been doodling a bit in the evenings after work (I’ve not drawn something in so long, and why? for who?), and listening to anime openings etc. Sometimes I wonder if it is a bit cringe that I still gain joy from the same things I had when I was 13, living with my parents back then and feeling utterly lonely (still do). Here are some of the things I’ve drawn:

The first one is depicting how I feel when I am experiencing an episode of mania (also, also, blood thing/our Laurent, self insert?). I called this emotional state ‘Archangel’, because it isn’t actually me, or thats how it feels at least. It is this righteous entity, that is entitled to anger and vengeful feelings. He is 100% sure his feelings are justified. I don’t often experience the archangel or that inner ‘surety’ of my own perception, of reality. But when I do — not only does he feel anger, he also punishes me bodily for — by proxy — feeling anger through him. He humiliates me. It is almost as if I was taking on the persona’s of the people who abused me as a child. Who disallowed me from standing up for myself, and who discouraged protecting myself from them, who disallowed me from feeling angry. I am not allowed to be upset.

I’m sorry if thats tmi and makes you uncomfortable, you know I’m always too open.

The second one is Romano and Antonio in the traditional clothes of the Fallas Carnival in Valencia. This year is the tenth year anniversary of me first visiting the city (I can’t believe it! I have memories of 10 years ago!!) I booked a one week vacation there for March to go by myself and finally see the Fallas! Valencia’s main festival! I’m very excited to drink Horchata de Chufa and draw some Antonio/Romano doodles and take naps. I also booked a tour to see the atelier’s of the artists building the statues, that will surely be interesting. I already wish I could send you a postcard, but I’m not supposed to, am I? Maybe I will get one anyway and just post it here and then add it to your little box of things I keep.

Again, I’m looking forward to rest and play my video game on the weekend, when I am off (I’m currently trying to level myself up to take on that acid monster in the Cathedral of St. Frangelico) 🙄

Thinking of you fondly at the sight of the stars & moon,

your Sabo

[untothebreach]

i just.......... i wish there was something to be said to make me feel more worthwhile, but there's not. going to a therapist Will Not Help because I already know the scripts. I already know what they'll say and do.

A) How was my childhood and upbringing? (I don't remember, and mostly fine. My parents were pretty normal and I was gone most of the time when the fighting got bad. I got bullied a lot as a kid and that's why I don't remember most of elementary school and have abandonment issues. None of this is things I carry with me now and I know how to cope with it for the most part. At least I hope I do.)

B) Are you eating right/sleeping well/exercising? (Not as much as I should, but I'm doing my best. I barely have the energy or motivation for it, but I know well enough that I'll die or get medical bills if I don't, so. No but I'm not really able to do much else. I'm too lazy and unmotivated to do anything otherwise than what I have in place right now.)

C) How's your dating life? (Bad, leave me alone. I'm not good enough for dating and I'll just fuck people up with my anxious-avoidant tendencies and my overly high standards paired with my own mediocre to low looks and ability to become whatever my partner wants skewing my ability to have anything normal.)

D) Why do you think you're worthless/doomed to die alone? (Because it's the path of my life. I have hard proof. This is how it always ends, it's substantiated and confirmed. My last therapist made me make a list of things to 'prove one way or the other' and it was Overwhelmingly in support of me fucking dying in a hole. I think he regretted that one, to be honest.)

Like. There's no point. They will simply tell me to 'eat better and exercise more', 'go out more', and 'stop thinking things that make you feel bad', which don't work and I am too lazy and unmotivated to make happen anyway so why even bother when I know I can't make them happen.

Fucking hell, man. I'm fucking doomed.

The sooner my body drifts me off in my sleep the fucking better. (for legal reasons this is a joke, universe)

[uncloseted]

I'm scared I'm developing agoraphobia because I have an immense fear of being robbed. Burglaries are becoming more frequent near my street and I know someone who was broken into and had their identity stolen and how that ruined their life for years. I don't know how to stop this before it becomes full blown agoraphobia because the fear is based in reality. Homes get broken into. It's a very real thing so it's hard to overcome this fear when it's a legitimate thing

It may help to take some precautions to reduce the likelihood that your house is broken into. You're right that burglaries do happen, but they tend to be crimes of opportunity rather than crimes that are pre-meditated. Because of that, there are a number of things you can do to make your home unappealing as a target:

In 40% of break-ins, offenders gained access through an unlocked door or windows, so just locking your doors and outside windows is an easy way to reduce the likelihood that you’ll be victimized. Damaging or removing a door or removing or damaging a window screen are the two common ways that burglars enter a home, so reinforcing the locks or getting additional locks is a good idea if you’re worried that your current locks can be broken. This is especially true if you have sliding glass doors, which tend to be more vulnerable.

Another thing you can do to protect yourself is to make sure you don’t open the door for strangers and that you’re protecting your keys. In 18% of burglaries of occupied residences, someone just let the offender in. In 12% of cases, someone inside opened the door and the offender pushed their way in. This source says that around 40% of annual household burglaries in the United States are not forced entries at all. The corollary to this is that you should always know what’s going on with your family, friends, and significant others. People don’t just choose to become burglars; they do it because they’re desperate. The top reasons for committing burglaries was related to the need to acquire drugs (51%) or money (37%). Increasing your social support for people in your life who are struggling will decrease the likelihood that they’ll burgle you.

Alarms are also a good deterrent, and will usually prevent a burglar from continuing. 60% of burglars said they would seek an alternative target if there was an alarm on-site. Having a camera or alarm system that’s obvious to anyone walking by your house will significantly reduce the likelihood that someone will try to break in. Just having one of those yard signs that says you have an alarm is a good deterrent, even if you don’t actually have an alarm. A doorstop alarm is also a good idea- it prevents the door from being opened and if force is used, it sets the alarm off.

Don’t leave a spare key out. In 4% of cases, burglars actually have a key to the residence, and this is usually because the person left a key under a flower pot or doormat in case they got locked out of their house. Instead, give a spare to a neighbor or a friend you know well, or put it in a combination lockbox with a strong passcode.

Additionally, it will help to gently push yourself out of your comfort zone. Agoraphobia thrives when people start avoiding situations that make them feel anxious. If you can practice coping with the anxiety that you feel when you leave the house, it's less likely that the anxiety will turn into agoraphobia, and eventually, the anxiety will lessen. Talking to a therapist might also be a good idea. It's easier to prevent agoraphobia than it is to cure it once it has already developed, and a therapist can help you work through the anxiety that you're currently feeling.

[calamityandme]

AM I AUTISTIC OR AM I MAKING THIS DIFFERENT THAN WHAT IT REALLY IS?

I couldn’t understand when my friend was trying to have a serious conversation with me. She looked me in the eyes for a long time and I couldn’t understand what she was trying to convey. Other people do that all the time and they aren’t necessarily autistic. This happens to me on a almost daily basis.

When I was a kid I would go nonverbal when I was upset or hurt by my parents. They would beg me to speak to them or yell at me for not talking. I couldn’t find the words I needed to say. I couldn’t speak for myself. I would just stare at a wall, crying, my mind racing a million miles an hour.

I have been so completely exhausted since my big weekend. Engagement party on Friday and a short friend hang out Saturday. It was too much at once. I fell asleep at 9 last night and didn’t wake up until 10 today. Even after all that sleep I am just completely exhausted. On the verge of tears tired. My partner wanted to have sex today but I can’t because of the exhaustion in my body and mind. I can’t do more than like one social thing a week without needing days to recover.

I think I stim but maybe I’m making it up. My stimming looks different than what I’ve seen. I always have a song playing in my head that my toes have to follow the rhythm of almost all the time. One of my friends can’t be around me when my toes are “wiggling” because the feeling of the movement bothers her lol. Sometimes I have to rap my fingernails in a rhythmic way to be able to focus or tap out the energy. Especially when I’m in stressful situations. When I’m overwhelmed often I shake the feelings out with my hands until the bad feelings lessen. I have a vocal tic that is diagnosed but I don’t think that’s the same thing. When I’m alone and overwhelmed humming to myself helps. People get annoyed so I try not to do it in front of others if I can.

I have been hurting myself and it’s really really hard to stop. I pick my fingers constantly. I’m biting my skin and nails to point of blood and pain. I have been picking my toes as well as biting the inside of my mouth. I don’t just do it when I’m anxious. I just do it all the time. Any strong feeling makes me want to pick. Happy, sad, anxious, mad, hungry—I want to pick. Whatever I pick has to be “even” on the other side of my hand/foot so if it isn’t I’ll fix it. I just want to stop.

There’s many other reasons I think I may be on the spectrum but I just don’t feel like going on and on.

I don’t want to get a diagnosis because I’m worried to lose the opportunity to escape the United States if I need to. If I wanted to live in Canada for example I don’t think I could get citizenship with a diagnosis. At the same time, my quality of life might get better if I could get work accommodations in the US and be able to have a reason for the way I am. Not saying autism is a negative thing. I don’t want anyone to think I’m saying it’s a bad thing. I’m just saying I wish I know if I was really on the spectrum or if I’m just allistic and can’t handle things as well as other allistics.

I don’t know. I just needed to vent. I just feel stuck. I need to find a therapist but I am so broke that I can’t afford therapy even with Medicaid.

[mrmisery0]

26/7/23

I haven’t started Maurice yet but I’ve been reading something else! I’m reading Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin, it’s pretty good. There’s a lot of problematic stuff but I suppose it’s a product of it’s time. The transphobia was a little shocking, the way the narrator spoke about some trans women in a scene was really appalling. If I ignore that stuff it’s quite a nice read. It’s sad but I like books that way. It’s making me miss the beach.

Last Friday it was two of my friends combined birthday party. I’m always nervous before I go to parties and I always end up having a better time than I expect.

I did what I always do at parties and I drank until I felt like I could talk to people, but when I was doing that it was good. It was so nice to speak to everyone. It feels like the people I see at these parties are becoming more my friends instead of just my girlfriends. I think my insecurity also has a play in that though.

There were some bands playing at the party too! Pretty much everyone I know are musicians so it’s not uncommon for them to play at parties. At some point everything was set up and they bands hadn’t started yet, Nel who I used to be in a band with was there and I don’t remember how exactly but I asked if we could play something. Maybe it was the drunk ness? We got two other friends, one for guitar and one to sing, to come up to the stage area and we started playing together. It was one of the nicest things I’ve done in ages.

I love bass. I love performing and playing with other people. I haven’t been in a band for over a year and a half and I forgot how much it meant to me. I try so hard to keep up with my bass hobby but it’s not rewarding for me if I only ever play for myself. Playing at the party reminded me how performing makes me feel. It’s so satisfying! I was so drunk I played until a chunk of skin came off my finger and I didn’t even notice. I didn’t know exactly what I was playing, we were mostly jamming but it was so good.

Since then I’ve been practicing more and I’m going to really really put an effort into meeting more people to play with so I don’t forget that feeling again.

On Monday I went and applied to a job in person for the first time ever. I was terrified! I saw that one of the bookstores was hiring and it got very stuck in my head. I woke up the next morning too early and couldn’t get back to sleep because I was thinking about the job. I worked on my resume and my cover letter that morning and handed them in that afternoon. I was so nervous about it that I was shaking the whole time though, I was very embarrassed. I don’t think I’ll get it. But it’s good that I was able to try.

My one year on t was less upsetting for me than I thought it would be. D and I went down to a cafe near my house and got a drink and a disappointing caramel slice then went on a really good walk and had a good chat.

I have too many expectations for myself. It’s something I know very well. But it’s different when it’s with my t. It’s so fundamental. Its my self, it’s what people see. It’s not something I can get better at the same as I can get better at being confident or healthier, it’s something that I get so little say in and just have to live with. I’m very experienced in hating myself.

I finally booked an intake appointment at head to health though, hopefully they’ll see me and it will be good. I’ve been meaning to do that for months. I’ve gotten pretty good at phone calls but this one made me very anxious and I just kept procrastinating it. It’ll be good to be in therapy again. I still haven’t been able to talk to a therapist about what happened. It’s also important to me that I learn some better coping skills so that I can make sure my relationship with D is healthy and good.

I’ve booked a ticket to go to this music careers event thing at one of the venues I go to on Sunday. I’m not exactly sure how it’ll go but I think it would be a good opportunity for me.

I’ve been thinking that maybe the reason I feel that I have so little friends is because I am so afraid to call someone my friend. Do my partners friends consider me friends? Would they be upset to know that I am unsure if I can consider them my own? At what point do you become friends with someone? How the hell do you even make friends? My girlfriend tells me I just need to talk to people and be as honest as possible but I am so scared of that. Maybe the therapy will help.

Finding friends after school feels impossible. It would be easier if I had a job I’m sure but I don’t. And I don’t have any places I go other than the youth centre and I don’t think I will be hanging out with 15 year olds. When I go to gigs I like to imagine that I will attract some people who will just adopt me into their lives and I will have friends and feel connected and comfortable, but I will be waiting for that forever if I don’t actually just go and speak to someone.

Being an adult is strange in that I feel the most comfortable and secure that I ever have and yet I feel anxious like I am a kid again. Im so scared to even try. I know that I will never be able to have connections if I’m too afraid to say hello to people but I have no idea where to begin in fixing that. I’m only 18 and I’ll be 19 in nearly 2 months so really I am just a child with I.D. but I feel that everyone around me has it so much more together than I do. I guess that’s how it is?

When I think about ways that I can make friends I think of the stupidest things. I keep thinking I’ll just get a new style, maybe I’ll be more alternative again and bring people to me. I don’t chase I attract lol I wish. I need to learn how to speak to people. Hi my name is… that sort of thing. I’m so scared that if I try to make friends they will judge me and bully me as if we were children. Autism is one hell of a thing.