#and my supervisors are actually big frustrated that i sent them over such Good work that they have to wait until october to discuss

[pochapal]

did not end up working on the writeup today but instead i went to the beach and then got a followup email from my supervisors that was super nice and good so now i am once again in a mentally good place and also my winner era

[adonis-koo]

to the moon and back

Summary: Sometimes the distance in relationships really does make a strain and sometimes...it can really make quite the experience, at least in your experience with your boyfriend who only lives half way across the world...

Pairing: Jungkook/Reader, theres like,,,implied Taehyung/Reader if you really squint

Genre: angst, smut,

Word Count: 6.4k

Tags: long distance relationship that I accidentally projected way too much of my own personal experience into 😃, Jungkook just really loves MC, skype sex, I am sorry, mutual masturbation, a little praise kink, Jungkook says baby in korean a lot and once again I am sorry, sex toys, a lil overstim, nothing too crazy tbh, dirty talk, dom!jungkook and sub!MC 🤑

Note: I missed ldr!Jungkook and MC which is based off this sorta imagine I did for them! So I cured it by writing a lil bit about them!! :)

“Hey Jungkook…” 

The said man in question suddenly perked up from where he had been looking down, half his hair tied up and he was rubbing his eyes, he looked tired these days and sometimes you couldn’t help but feel bad. Long distance relationships weren’t always what they were cracked up to be and it wasn’t like you were intentionally looking for a ball and chain at the time...

But well, it was a long night, you were slightly drunk and in a long dry spell so you thought, what the hell? When you signed up for a sub/dom dating website. Again, your intentions weren’t to actually date someone, you were just slightly drunk and horny, and waking up the morning after your phone had been blown up by your now boyfriend. It was innocent at first, you both had a good laugh (to somewhat of your embarrassment) about the whole drunk thing and you were just curious to get to know him. 

It was from there you had learned he lived halfway across the planet in South Korea and not only this but when you began exchanging photos he was by far the most beautiful man you had ever seen. One thing led to another and eventually you both decided to make it official. 

You were used to this of course, you had never actually met him in person and sometimes you felt a little apprehensive to do so, you knew it would hurt Jungkook severely if he ever found out but still...sometimes it felt like you just didn’t know him as much as you wanted too. 

Time zones were a literal hell, by the time you woke up he was getting ready to sleep and most the time texts weren’t sent until the next day, video calls were rare and usually had to wait until the weekend. It sucked. 

Jungkook, if anything, had been trying to convince you to at least fly out to see him, he even offered to pay for your ticket as he was- ahem- apparently in the chain of business for a really well known exports corporation and was a supervisor so he lived very well off in comparison to yourself, who was still in college and buried in debt with little to no money left outside of the expenses of living. 

But again, you were just...nervous...flying by yourself, to a country you had never been too, to meet a man you had never met...You knew realistically everything would be fine, Jungkook was exactly who he said he was, he wasn’t some criminal that was going to murder you and sell your body parts on the black market but…! You just wanted to be safe! To be careful even if that would never happen. 

“Hm?” Jungkook hummed, it was a late saturday night for him but he always stayed up just for you, just to be able to talk to you, to see your face, even if you went hours not talking to one another while he worked and you studied. He told you he just enjoyed looking over at his monitor and seeing you.

Currently you had been curled up on your pillow scrolling on your phone and occasionally admiring your boyfriend’s side profile and strands of hair long hair that fell from his face, “Why did you learn English?”

Jungkook raised his brow a little before suddenly laughing causing you to shift a little in embarrassment feeling as though you had said something dumb, “Well,” He rasped a little, he had been brushing up on his english ever since you started dating but he was also a little self conscious of his accent despite you saying several times over how much you adored it, “English is mandatory to learn in school but I learned extensively due to my family traveling a lot for business and work. I once spent a whole year in New York when my father was employed overseas, that was actually how I became so fluent, classes are fine but experience always teaches best in my opinion....” Jungkook’s lips curled into a smile as he hummed once more, “Which means your studies in Korean would be easier if you visited…” 

Flustered you rolled onto your back as you pressed your pillow against your face, “Jungkook…!” You whined wiggling in your best as you heard his laugh filter through the speaker, “I need you know I really need to stay and study for my finals, it makes up for over forty percent of my grade!” 

“Not even for winter break?” Jungkook let his lips jut into a pout as he laid his chin against his hand, “Jagi I have a bed that’s way too big to sleep in all by myself, are you gonna make me downgrade?” He sighed dramatically as he fell back in his computer chair pulling his hair tie out as his hair fell at his cheeks as he began to fix it. 

You ignored the heat immediately flushing between your legs at the deep rasp of his voice, “My mom’s expecting me to come home to visit for the holidays Koo…” You frowned as you peeped out from behind your pillow to find the massive pout on your boyfriend's face as he sunk in his seat. 

“Sometimes I think you’re just embarrassed to tell people we’re in a relationship,” Jungkook mumbled as he sat up in his seat, running his fingers through his hair as he sulked, obviously trying not to let your rejection make him upset but even through a screen you could always read his moods, sometimes too easily. 

“That is not true!” Your voice was immediately serious as you sat up, fixing your laptop as you set it in front of you, Jungkook was once more slouched in his seat, his hand resting on his cheek as he looked away from the screen, “That is not true Jungkook, I-...” You sighed, “I can’t just drop all my responsibilities here to visit you, you know this, you know hard I’ve been studying for finals and how much my family has been wanting to see me…” 

Jungkook didn’t reply for a moment but you could’ve sworn you heard something akin to a scoff escape his lips, “But you still haven’t told your family...have you?” 

“I haven’t had the chance…” You were immediately trying to defend your reasoning when deep down you felt bad that well...he was right...to a degree, but what were you supposed to tell you family? You met your boyfriend on an offshoot website based around sexual play and not only this but he lived half way around the world. 

“You talk to your mom on the phone weekly Y/n,” The longer Jungkook looked away from the screen the more upset he was getting and you could tell and yet you felt so helpless, it wasn’t like you could just reach over and grab his face, or simply hug him and apologize. Once again, you found yourself at a loss of what to do or say. 

It wasn’t that you wished you hadn’t met Jungkook, you’d never in your life change that night, but sometimes you wished things weren’t so complicated and that your fears wouldn’t get the best of you. And you did speak some truth, even if you weren’t nervous to meet Jungkook in person, it didn’t change the fact that you wouldn’t be able to go now with finals approaching and your family expecting you for the holidays.

“I’m just,” Jungkook inhaled sharply before letting out a sigh, “I just feel so frustrated sometimes, I want to be with you, not part time, half time, or only at night. I want to wake up with you in my arms every single day. And I can’t do that, hell I can’t even get a phone call during the week let alone a text at the same time of day if I’m lucky. We just had a work party where everyone brought their partners and I couldn’t bring mine because she lives in America.” 

His upset was beginning to make you upset, it felt like your gut was being grinded and it wrenched in an unpleasant feeling as you spoke, “Look I’m sorry okay? I can’t help it that this is where I live, I understand you want to be with me, you don’t think I want the same thing?” You put your hand on your chest, trying to keep your voice level as you swallowed harshly, “But right now, I can’t help it Jungkook. The holidays just aren’t a good time right now…” 

“Then what was the excuse during the end of the summer when you weren’t even in school and your parents didn’t want to see you?” Jungkook replied, his jaw clenched and hurt in his eyes as he questioned you, “Or was it still because you were sick in the middle of july?” 

“I just met you!” You cried out now beginning to feel genuinely hurt at your boyfriend questioning the sincerity of your feelings, “I wasn’t going to fly out to Korea to meet someone I had only been talking to for three weeks! Jungkook this is-” 

“I’m not embarrassed to be with you! God, that is literally the last thing on my mind right now! I’m embarrassed at the way we met, I’m embarrassed that I- I somehow have to explain to my family that my boyfriend lives in South Korea and that I’ve never met him and somehow explain to them that you aren’t some serial rapist or human trafficker out to sell my kidney! Because that’s exactly what I’m going to hear! And I’m sorry I just haven’t been ready to deal with that!” You couldn’t even stop the tears from flowing down your face as you pressed your hands to your eyes, “It’s easy for you to talk about us because you’re an adult who lives debt free by himself in his own apartment with your own secure job and you don’t have to answer or deal with anyone, even your own parents! That’s not how it is for me Jungkook.” 

Your head was lowered as you tried to muffle your sobs that was the only thing that filled the loud silence that filtered the air, running your hands through your hair as you took a breath. You could hear a sigh on the other side before Jungkook spoke, “Y/n…” 

“You know what,” You sniffled as you straightened up, “I’m not in the mood to talk anymore,” 

“Y/n! No! Jagi listen-” 

“No I’m done!” You argued back as you wiped your face with the sleeve of your hoody, “I don’t want to talk to you right now. Goodnight.” You clicked the end call button before closing down your laptop. Sitting now, staring at your distinct reflection on the black screen before bursting into a new set of tears. 

Your phone’s ringtone was immediately set off as you sobbed, picking it up as you harshly punched the decline call button before it quickly popped back up on the screen only for you to press it even more vehemently. Your phone lit up several times being flooded with messages from Jungkook trying to convince you to talk to him but you immediately turned off your phone as you collapsed back against your bed, weeping against your pillow as you tried to ignore the pure hurt that filtered your veins despite it being justified. 

God you shouldn’t have even said any of that to Jungkook! Really it was your fault you hadn’t seen him, you had made excuses all because you were just scared. He was probably going to break up with you now...Squeezing your pillow tight you closed your eyes as you muffled your sobs. 

“Girl why are you staring at your phone?” Lisa sighed in exasperation, “Don’t tell me…Oh shit…” She sighed as she watched your eyes begin to pitfully water, “What was it this time?” 

“I’m a horrible person be-because I can’t just fucking suck it up and tell my family about my boyfriend and- and I can’t just go visit him!” You were already wiping your eyes despite not even crying yet and you refused to ruin your mascara in a public store. The bookstore was quiet as ever and the barista who worked the cafe was still sorting magazines out on the rack not even paying attention to you both but still you had to keep up your ideals or else you’d be crying all the time. 

“You are not a horrible person oh my god!” Lisa raised her brows before scoffing, she pointed a long acrylic nail at you as she spoke, “That boy needs to calm his hormones, you are strapped for the rest of the holidays. Y/n! Come on, seriously you need to draw some boundaries with him! Just be honest and it’s going to save you both a lot of trouble.” 

You sunk in your seat as your lips began to tremble making Lisa sigh, “How many messages did he send this time?” 

“Twenty four.” You mumbled. 

“Jesus Christ.” Lisa groaned as she pressed her hand against her forehead, her bangs which had been melded together with hairspray not even moving an inch, “What even started this fight!?” 

Lisa was not only your closest friend but most times she was also your voice of reason which you knew was most times right but still you couldn’t help but feel embarrassed as you twirled your straw that poked through the lid of your iced coffee, “Well it was innocent at first, I just asked him why he learned English when he was younger and it translated into him saying experience taught him best which meant going to Korea would help me with my own language studies.” 

“Why can’t you just be honest with him!? Seriously! Y/n!” She gave you her premium disappointed look as you whined, kicking your feet as you covered your hands over your face knowing she was right, but!

“That would literally crush him!” You replied feeling defeated as you slumped in your seat once more, sighing as sadness filled you, “It feels like…” You poked your tongue into your cheek as you exhaled in frustration, “No matter how hard I try, I just always end up hurting him. Jungkook would be so hurt if he knew my main reason for not wanting to see him.” 

Lisa raised her brows as she scoffed, “No he would not! If he’s so desperate to jump on your pussy he’ll come to America and not only meet you but he’ll be meeting me as well the first time. This relationship is a two way street Y/n-” 

“He has a whole team he’s managing Lisa, he’s told me he’d visit if he could schedule the time off but-” 

“All I hear is an excuse,” Lisa clacked her tongue, “Fair is fair, you’re just being cautious as anyone should be when they’re talking to someone over the internet,” She curved a brow before snorting as she sipped her drink, “Now listen, do I think he’s a kidnapper that’s gonna kill you? No. Do I think he’s a fuckboy that just really wants to smash you? Maybe, it’s your relationship. Do what you want but regardless of whether your reasoning is legit he should respect it regardless.” 

You deflated as you sighed, scrolling through his messages where he had profusely apologized several times and went on to explain that he just really wanted to be with you and never meant to dismiss your feelings on the matter. You hadn’t replied yet which made you feel even worse but truthfully, you just really wanted to talk to see him tonight on a video call and talk things over. 

“Anyways, it’s time to boss up bitch,” Lisa pulled out the three textbooks from her bag before dropping them on the table as she offered a smile, “We got finals to prep for, we’re in the two week countdown so we need to cram as much as possible.” 

Sighing you glanced down at your phone one last time before turning it off knowing the temptation to look over Jungkook’s messages would be too tempting. Putting your phone away you pulled out your notebook along with your own textbooks as you nodded, “You’re right, it’ll at least take my mind off of it…” 

You could only hope. 

You had spent the last ten minutes trying to gas yourself up, Jungkook had stopped texting around lunch time having obviously given up and giving you space as this wasn’t the first time something like this had happened and he knew if he just gave you time you’d eventually reach out to him. 

Like right now, except you felt severely embarrassed for your actions this morning and you knew you could have handled things in a better and more mature way then you had, regardless you were struggling to even send a text at the moment let alone video call him...Checking the clock on your phone you sighed, it was already 1pm in Seoul....

Jungkook if anything was probably on his computer sulking while playing video games as he usually did on his weekends off when he wasn’t talking to you. Sucking in a breath you knew you needed to talk to him now because if you didn’t you’d have to go the whole week with stale texts that never went over well and you weren’t working with much to begin with, you didn’t want to make it worse. Sighing, you sat down on your bed as you began to type.

[10:25]

‘I’m sorry I haven’t replied to any of your messages :( can you video right now?’

You chewed on your lip anxiety immediately spiking in your head as you wondered if you came across too much like a victim...Or maybe you should’ve just not mentioned the not replying to his messages and just asked if- 

You nearly jumped out of your skin at the sound of the skype call sounding with Jungkook’s name under it, grabbing your chest you collapsed onto the bed as you made yourself comfortable, shying away from the camera as you grabbed your pillow in insecurity before accepting the call. 

“I really am sorry Jagi,” You couldn’t even open your mouth before Jungkook’s worried expression showed up on your laptop, the hoodie covering his head and just as you expected his puppy like eyes were glossed and filled with sadness, “I- I didn’t realize how much stress you were under and I shouldn’t have been so careless. This is the only time during the week that I get to see you and I really don’t want to argue…” 

You curled up against your pillow as you mumbled, “I should be the one apologizing, I know how much it means to you for us to be able to see each other in person and I need to make the time for us to be able to do that it’s just…” You had meant to tell him the truth but- “I just have a lot going on right now but I didn’t mean to take that out on you, I know you just want us to be together...” 

“Oh jagiya,” Jungkook sighed, longing filled his face and his fingers twitched a little as they ran through his hair as if wishing he could just hold you close to him, “It’s okay, I’m just glad you wanted to talk. I didn’t want the whole week to drag by without being able to talk to you, you know you always make my day better…” 

And just like that your chest blossomed with warmth as you curled up, hiding the smile that began to creep on your lips as you squeezed your pillow, “Not as much as you make my day. Especially when you send those tease pictures for me right before I need to go to bed.” You would never get enough of that addictive feeling of talking to Jungkook, his smile was always infectious.

And just like that you watch, just like every other time, in amazement at the way Jungkook’s personality switches like a light, the innocent sweet smile that was once on his lips is suddenly twisted into a cocky smirk and he leans back his chair, his long hair is slightly messy but just enough to make him look truly wicked, “Oh? Is that right gongjunim? I thought you’d appreciate it?” 

Said photo in question was sent thursday night when you were prepping for bed and Jungkook had very obviously just gotten out of the shower in the mirror selfie he had sent that displayed the chiseled abdomen and broad chest and not to mention the….ahem package he was sporting beneath the thin towel that he had purposely clutched with his free hand. 

Yeah...that nearly destroyed your right hand. 

“Well I did…” You immediately coiled up, no matter how many times this happens with your boyfriend- which is nearly every weekend, you always end up getting shy despite your thighs furiously pressing together and wetness building up in your panties, “Maybe a little too much…” 

Jungkook pressed his tongue into his cheek as his smirk widened, just his stare made you press your face into the pillow as you heard his chuckle, “What? What did you do?” 

The fact that he skipped to the golden question made you whine as you kicked your feet, you could hear another laugh from him as you curled up once more, “You know…” You mumbled, feeling your face burn as you pressed it against the pillow. 

“No baby I don’t.” Jungkook pouted but his voice rasped and something about saying baby in english with that accent of his had your fingers twitching as he puffed a breath of air in cockiness as he hummed, “Why don’t you tell me hm?” 

Shifting against the bed you shook your head, “You know what I’m talking about…” 

“Do I?” Jungkook challenged as he raised a brow, his beginning to clench as he slipped into his dominant headspace, tucking his tongue into his cheek as he asked, “If you can’t use your words would you rather show me? Be a good girl and show me, yeah?” 

Your words were muffled as you replied, “I had help…” Your face felt like it was practically on fire as you rubbed your legs together as you heard him laugh, “Then be a good girl and go get it jagiya, I’ll still be here.” You gave Jungkook a good laugh as you nearly scrambled out of bed to get your bullet vibrator off it’s charger before diving back on the bed making your laptop bounce as you sat up right. 

Jungkook meanwhile had pulled off his sweatshirt and repositioned his camera to expose his lower body, the familiar sight of his plump cherry lips exposed in that forever tainted smirk as he made himself comfortable in his chair, his thighs spreading apart and the indent in his sweats showing off proudly, “Good girl kitty, now I want you to take off your clothes, all of it.” 

You wiggled in your comfy sweatshirt feeling a little shy as you began to shed your clothes, “The bra too baby,” Jungkook coaxed as he licked his lips, his cock tightening and becoming harder at the sight of your flustered, shy expression as you unhooked your bra, there was nothing more this man wanted then to suckle on your nipples that immediately hardened against the chilled air of the room. 

Jungkook’s hand found its way to his bulge as he palmed himself through his grey sweats, “Panties too baby, I know you’re shy but you need to be a good girl and take them off. And remember your words.” He added with a low growl. 

“...Yes sir.” You mumbled, feeling chilly and exposed to nothing more then the camera on your laptop and Jungkook of course before you pulled off the panties you wore, arousal sticking to the fabric that stringed before you tossed them aside, your eyes unable to stay off his hand that kept stroking his bulge. 

“Good girl,” His lips twitched into a sadistic smile, “Now spread your legs jagiya and show me what you did to that photo I sent you, every little detail baby.” You whined as you looked away from the camera, “Jagiya…” Jungkook’s voice deepened a little in warning, “Are you gonna make me get out the controller?” 

Outwardly you’d completely deny that but inwardly....The idea nearly had you frothing out the mouth, but reluctantly you did as he asked, the chilled air nipping at your exposed warm wet folds had your levels of arousal that much higher and you could hear a soft verbal moan from Jungkook as he squeezed his hand over his cock, “Shibal,” He muttered a few other words in korean that you could only half make out before he spoke once more, “You’re so fucking wet baby. Play with yourself, don’t make me wait.” 

Tenderly you slipped your hand between your thighs, flinching a little at the cold that seeped from your fingers that met in opposition to the heat radiating off your cunt, arousal met your fingertips as you dragged them up you slit before rubbing slow circles around your clit, your lips parting a little at the idea of it being his fingers doing this to you.

Jungkook let out a little scoffed laugh, licking his lips as he pulled down his sweats just enough to free his throbbing cock, a sight you’d never fully get used too and had your mouth watering at just the sight. He was much thicker then he was long but he certainly wasn’t short, the vein on the underside of his cock displayed and you could even see his tip beginning to weep as it became red, “How bad do you wish those were my fingers playing with that little clit baby? Put those fingers inside your cunt baby,lay back and use your toy to make yourself feel good for me.

Situating your laptop before you laidback, opening your legs once more as you began to transition to your subspace as you closed your eyes, imagining his fingers dragging up your inner thighs. 

Letting your eyes open you whined at the sight of lube slipping from his cock as his hand slowly pumped his shaft, his lips parted at the sight of one finger slipping inside your cunt before pulling out and adding a second finger. You could just imagine those long thick fingers filling you up while fitting up against your g-spot. 

Fumbling with your vibrator you turned it on, switching the setting to a low pattern before carefully placing it on your aching bud. You had anticipated your reaction just as you did everytime and yet every time you still jolted, your walls tightly squeezing around your fingers as a whined squeak escaped your lips. 

“Fuck princess that’s it,” Jungkook edged you on, his tongue in his cheek as his hand squeezed around his cock before he used his free hand to grab his own toy, the fleshlight that nearly always turned you into a mess, “Bet that little hole can hardly fit your own fingers let alone my big fat cock, right baby? Yeah?” 

Your thighs were twitching as pleasure was rapidly buzzing against your clit and your walls kept squeezing around your fingers as you desperately tried to reach to your g-spot in need for an orgarsm to make up for all the anxiety and stress you had been under the whole day, “Yes! Yes sir! Ah- Mmph need you! Fuck, please! Sir.” You whimpered as your hips jolted to fuck back against your fingers.

 Jungkook pushes the opening of the flashlight over his tip as he let out a soft moan, his hips fluidly began thrusting to the point your walls were so tight you could hardly move your fingers just at the idea of his cock forcing its way inside you, you just knew this mans stroke game was good and proved it every fucking time he took out that toy.

Watching his cock disappear with every thrust inside his toy as his lips parted a little wider this time, “You want this baby? You wish this was your pussy I’m fucking nice and deep?”

Your body was too excited for all of his dirty talk as you squirmed shifting the buzzing vibrator to the sweet spot of your clit as you squeaked, trying to keep yourself from being too loud as your roommate was home, “Want it! Want it so fucking bad! Please sir! Sir!”

You were embarrassingly horny and this made worked you up every single time, your hips we’re stumbled and your walls were rapidly clenching in excitement as his thick cock rocking it’s way in and out of the toy that you could just imagine was your pussy he was fucking nice and slow, making you feel his nice fat cock with every killer slow thrust.

“Oh Jagiya,” Jungkook moaned out, “Don’t tell me my kitten is already close?” He chuckled as he watched the way your body withered the way it always did when you were close, his eyes feasting on the way your pussy was stretched so delicately against your small fingers and the way your thighs clenched and your feet kicked, “Do you need to cum so soon?” 

“Please! Please! Sir! I- I don’t think I can-“ Your thighs clamped together as your lips fell open, unable to even wait for his blessing as your orgasm ripped through your body, your toes curling as little whimpers escaped you, you could hear a long moan from Jungkook as you liddedly watched his hips stumble against his flesh light, hand running through his hair while he fumbled something in Korean. 

“Baby fuuck,” Jungkook’s voice lowered as he moaned, “Cum again princess, cum for me baby I wanna hear you make those noises again for me. Keep those little fingers stuffed inside yourself.” Jungkook’s hips kept stuttering against his toy, his cock throbbing desperate as his moans became breathy at the sight of you obeying him. You were always such a good girl.

Your fingers were aching but your desire to watch him come undone was even greater as you began pushing your fingers back against your g-spot once more, feathery whines escaping you at the feeling of pain beginning to mix with pleasure at the consistent thrum of the vibrator against your clit.

“Ah! S-sir…!” You whimpered quietly as your walls suddenly clamped around your fingers once more, “I- ah! I don’t think I can…!” 

“Yes you can,” Jungkook growled his hips bucking up into his toys faster his cock throbbing and squeezing in pleasure at the sight of your arousal slipping from your soaked cunt and the sight of your tits bouncing at the way your body kept squirming, he could only imagine what it would be like fucking you tied up and left to his mercy, “And you will,” He snapped with command, “You’re gonna be a good girl and cum for me again princess. I wasn’t fucking asking.” 

Your legs immediately twitched and your breath hitched as you cried out, your back arching at the way your body listened to him so easily on command, your walls tightening around your fingers rapidly and pleasure seered into your clit as the orgasm roughly filled your body, “Ah Jungkook! Fuck, fuck, fuck…! Fuck! Ooh!” Moans escaped you louder then you intended as your hips desperately fucked into your fingers to ride the powerful orgasm you experienced.

Jungkook moaned softly as his hips bucked one last time into his toy before cum was filling it up at the idea of milking all of himself in your little warm cunt, letting his hips swivel as he milked every last drop of cum from his cock as he moaned before relaxing back in his chair.

Chuckling a little at watching your lower body scramble at your vibrator continuing to drill against your over stimulated clit as you struggled to turn it off, “Take your fingers out baby, I wanna see them.” Jungkook licked his lips as you obeyed him, pulling your fingers from your cunt to reveal the thick layer of arousal and cum on them nearly making Jungkook’s mouth water with the desire to lick every drop off your fingers, this man couldn’t even describe what he’d do to go down on you.

“Ah fuck, jagiya,” Jungkook laughed, a little flustered at the way you sat up, looking directly into the camera before putting your fingers in your mouth, licking off the salty and somewhat musky taste of your arousal which in your opinion wasn’t that great and Jungkook would never accept your opinion on the matter, “You’re gonna make me hard all over again.” He whined as he carefully pulled the toy off his cock, feeling the white substance already rolling down his softening shaft to reveal the mess he had made.

You giggled a little, feeling shy once more as you stood up with wobbling legs, “I don’t have to help with that.” You called out, grabbing your favorite sweatshirt to pull over your body. It was your favorite because...Well because Jungkook had sent it to you and because it was big on him it was massive on you. 

You absolutely adored it, coming back in view you collapsed onto your bed as you curled up, Jungkook had just finished cleaning himself up, fixing his camera for you to see the beautiful radiant smile and eyes light up that was your boyfriend. He always had that dreamy look in his eyes while looking at you everytime you finished having Skype sex and everytime it always made you shy as you grabbed your pillow and curled up.

“You’re always so fucking good baby,” He groaned as he ran a hand through his hair, his smile permanently on his face as he stared in adoration at your curled up figure that was practically buried in his sweatshirt, “Mmm you were such a good girl too, your eyes were rolling to the back of your head when I told you to cum again.” 

He had a boyish laugh at the way you curled up, “Stoop! You know I was already overstimulated, you better hope my roommate didn’t hear anything…!” You covered your face in embarrassment at the realization you were a little loud.

Jungkook’s face stiffened a little at the mention of your roommate before he tried to play it off with a small laugh, “Yeah well, what’s he gonna do about it anyways? You were just being my good little girl jagiya.” You covered your face in semi embarrassment. You knew Jungkook was redirecting the conversation back to verbal aftercare because you knew he didn’t like the fact that your roommate was a guy who was not only your age but also very attractive. 

It wasn’t like Taehyung was ever interested in you, but you had mentioned to Jungkook when you first started talking that you used to have a crush on him. You felt as though some days that still lingered in Jungkook’s mind despite the fact that you didn’t even look at Taehyung twice anymore.

Especially since you and Jungkook became an item, however you also hadn’t told Jungkook that Taehyung had been...Well you weren’t sure what he was doing to be honest outside a few innuendos and winks. It mainly weirded you out as he had never paid any attention to you but regardless. This wasn’t about your roommate, this was about your amazing, handsome boyfriend who somehow managed to make you cum twice just by the sound of his voice, not everything could do that.

“You make it difficult to try and disobey.” You mumbled as a smile tugged in your lips, closing your eyes at the idea of his arms wrapped tight around you and his forehead pressed against your own, you could almost feel his warm breath against your face and his lips pressing against your forehead.

“Mmm id like to see you try,” Jungkook laughed as he leaned back his seat, letting out a content sigh as he spoke, “I’d make you wear those vibrating panties the whole day after making you overestimate yourself and I’d make sure to wake up every hour just to hold that button for three minutes straight.” 

“You’re so mean!” You whines as you fluttered your feet before crawling under your covers as you yawned, “You’re already planning a punishment when I haven’t even done anything wrong.” 

“I’m not!” Jungkook laughed as he objected, moving his hair from his face, “I’m just telling you what would’ve happened if you weren’t obedient. I mean, that’s not always a bad thing baby.” He sent a wink your way that immediately made your cheeks warm as you pressed your face against the blanket with a giggle.

“I can’t do that over a video call…! Maybe if you were here in my bed I’d be a little more defiant.” You always had a hard time trying to flirt confidently but Jungkook always ate it up every single time you threw him a crumb.

“Jagiya if you can’t be defiant over a call what makes you think you’d manage it when I’m between your legs sucking the soul out of your pussy?” Jungkook was immediately cackling at the way you shoved your face into your pillow with a whine, “Exactly baby, you can’t even look at me right now.” He cooed out.

“Well maybe I’m just a little more bold in person.” You challenged, peeping out from behind your pillow making Jungkook chuckle as he shook his head, his eyes filled with adoration as he leaned back in his seat.

“Well sweetheart I’ll just have to see for myself one day huh?” Jungkook’s smile was so beautiful, it was arguably one of your favorite features as he spoke, “You know I love you to the moon and back jagiya.”

“Well I love you love you to the stars and beyond,” You whispered back as you hugged your pillow close, closing your eyes sleepily as you smiled….One day...Hopefully you’d overcome your anxiety soon to make the one day become soon, you weren’t sure how much longer you could stand being apart from the one person who would never stop making your day.

[stan-joonies]

Mine, Mine, Mine

Requested! Prompt:

26: "You're mine, i don't share,"

The girl grinned up at Sweet Pea when he threw a lazy arm carelessly around her shoulders. He was tapping something on his phone, playing with a piece of gum with his tongue. His hair curled across his tanned forehead and his towering frame covering her in warmth.

Toni rolled her eyes.

"Absolutely sickly. You're a bunch of lovesick puppies,"

She smirked.

"At least we haven't been caught licking at eachothers--"

"Woah, imma stop you there, mutt," Toni hissed, glaring up at her. She ignored it and just smirked.

"What? It's just me and you," she shoved a thumb back into her boyfriends chest. "Ever since he got the new phone he's been completely unresponsive," to prove her point, she dragged sharp nails from his chest down to his pelvis, then back up, a gesture that would usually make Sweet Pea shiver and drag her away, or at least blush. His eyes stuck glued to the screen, however, not even humming in acknowledgement .

"Bet you're regretting that purchase, aint you?"

Y/N shrugged. In all honesty, she didn't mind. Sweet Pea had originally had a flip phone, used only to take and recieve calls. Even then the only contacts was some of the serpent elders, Toni, Fangs, her and Jughead, albeit reluctantly. Sweet Pea claimed it didn't bother him, he barely used the internet anyway, but Y/N caught the longing glances Sweet Pea sent when they past electronic or apple stores. Y/N also noticed Sweet Pea's reluctance to pull out his phone infront of anyone. He always walked out the room or hid the phone, even when taking a text. So, Y/N worked hard leading up to his birthday and managed to buy him an iphone. It wasn't the newest model, but it wasn't in bad condition and it was brand new. Now, with more storage, he had flooded his phone with games and apps and pictures and videos. He was in love with that phone.

"Not really," she sighed, smiling up at him. "Love you, Pea,"

His eyes immediately broke away from the screen, blinking rapidly. He smirked, squeezing her closer and bowing his lips to the shell of her ear.

"Love you, too,"

The bell chose that moment to screech into their ears that it was time for class, with a kiss goodbye and a skip in her step, Y/N made her way to art, smiling happily.

-

Y/N preferred to sit near the back of the classroom because there was a window right next to her with the prettiest view. Trees and flowers swaying in the breeze, a couple leaves floating delicately down to the ground.

Today, though, someone sat in the seat next to her, which she found relatively odd. Most people tended to avoid her, terrified of her boyfriends famous temper.

When she walked up to the table, the boy smiled at her.

"You're Y/N?"

She hummed lightly, smiling back at him.

"Great! I'm Joseph, i just changed schools recently. Apparently you're the person to go to if i need help adjusting,"

Y/N inwardly sighed. At the beginning of her years at highschool, her goody-two-shoes self had sign up as a future "Hallway buddy". A job that basically allowed teachers to abandon their jobs as supervisors and shove it into the hands of willing, gullible new students.

She had tried to get out of it once she had to show a boy around, one who was more interested in picking up girls than the classrooms he needed to be in.

It was only then that the school informed her that if she wanted the extra credit, she had to continue into graduation. It was frustrating but she wasn't exactly the smartest so she needed it.

"That's me, nice to meet you," they shook hands, Joseph holding on slightly after she let go.

"Great, I'm not very socially...Im not very good with people so I'm glad you seem nice."

Y/N hummed in understanding.

"There are some annoying people you shouldn't get involved with. But I'm not gonna tell you who to and not to get involved with." She sat down next to him. "I just ask you don't believe everything you hear,"

"What? About the Serpents and the fact they're this cruel, bloodthirsty gang of emos?"

Y/N glared quickly.

"One of those serpents happens to be my boyfriend,"

Joseph tensed, straightening his back.

"Right, sorry,"

The lesson was spent in silence after that, Y/N focusing on the outside window.

When the bell announced their next lesson, she hurriedly collected her things, intent to leave before deflating.

She would have to show Joseph around either way, best get it over with.

She waited at the door, watching his glum face light up when he caught sight of her.

"Thank god," he sighed, smiling. "I was terrified I'd have to navigate the halls alone, worst fear."

She hummed, quickly manoeuvring through halls.

Joseph looked at her, tapping her meekly on the shoulder.

"I'm sorry, about what i said about the Slytherins, i just...i normally stick with the crowd,"

"First off, they're called the Serpents, and if you actually wanna make friends...maybe you shouldn't just 'stick with the crowd'."

Joseph huffed, flushing.

"Right. And sorry, i had a harry Potter marathon last night."

Her eyebrow raised at the mention of her favourite movie.

"We might become really good friends," she muttered.

-

When it came to Lunch, Y/N took him to the cafeteria where they got their food. When they turned around, Y/N immediately caught sight of the group of leather clad teens. She was about to go towards them but stopped when she saw Joseph's ashen face.

"Joseph?" She questioned, noticing the hands clenching fearfully at the side of his tray.

"Sorry...i just...god..." he looked away.

Y/N groaned. Joseph had yet to make friends and so it was clear he was totally uncomfortable and self concious. She felt the weight of a familiar gaze on her and she looked away from Joseph to see Sweet Pea staring at her, brow raised, earning a decisive shrug in return .

Making up her mind, she balanced her tray with one hand, considerably harder than she thought before taking hold of Joseph's sweater.

"Come with me,"

They made their way to the Serpents, some glancing at her when she brought a random into the group.

"Hey, Toni, Fangs, Jug, Pea," she smiled down at them, smiling thankfully when Fangs took her tray and placed it near Sweet Pea,whom, once again, was concentrated on his phone. She leaned down and kissed him on the cheek, him humming slightly before he began to tap furiously at his phone. "This is Joseph, he's new. I was showing him around and thought it'd be nice for you all to meet him," she sat down, shoving Sweet Pea further up the table so Joseph had enough room to sit. Sweet Pea just grunted.

Joseph sat down stiffly, nodding at them all.

"Hello,"

He recieved echos of greeting. Y/N had a slight suspicion he wasn't just introverted. He seemed quite outgoing around her alone, waving his hand furiously and voice occasionally increasing past normal range. Yet as soon as they entered a classroom, all the colour he gained on his face was drained and he became unfortunately meek and cowered into himself.

"Joseph," Y/N muttered, wanting to vocalise her concerns "Do you have..."

"Social anxiety? Yeah," he laughed. "Really bad too. That's why i was so glad to be paired with you.

Sweet Pea's furious tapping stopped.

"Paired?" Toni questioned.

Joseph grinned.

"I'm paired up with her in art and we discovered we have pretty much every class together,"

Sweet Pea's eyes rose from the screen.

"It was a relief honestly! I would be completely lost otherwise!" The blonde scratched the back of his neck, a nervous habit her picked up as a child. "She practically had to lead me by the hand, i looked quite pathetic, honestly!"

Sweet Pea slid his phone into his pocket.

"I'm sure you would've of been just fine, you're a lovely boy, Joseph. People will be eating you up--"

Suddenly, a heavy weight pressed down her shoulders and she found herself squished into Sweet Pea's side, his mouth kissing the crown of her head.

"Sweet Pea?" She looked up at him, frowning at the swirl of emotions peeking out behind dark clouds of brown. The table was completely forgotten. Y/N trusted Toni to pick up the conversation from there.

"Hmm," he burried his face into her neck, taking a deep breath in, tensing when he smelt deodorant. "What? Why do you smell of mint?" He wouldn't admit he missed the flowery, sweet scent she was usually accompanied with.

"Oh! Joseph let me borrow his, turns out we have PE together too! I ran out of mine last week," she flashed a grin.

"You could've told me, i would've brought you some more. They're only cheap," he mumbled into her ear, growling when Y/N laughed lightly.

"You don't need to get Jealous, Pea. Honest. I like the tall, dark and handsome type anyway,"

His lips came brushed against her ear slowly, kissing it gently.

"You're mine, i don't share,"

"And you don't, I'm yours just like you're mine,"

Sweet Pea growled playfully, biting her neck briefly

"Who said i was yours?"

Y/N scowled, her hand coming up to rest at his throat, forcing his head down so her mouth was at his jaw. She bit lightly at the skin, a difficult task.

"I said so, big boy,"

She squeezed his throat lightly, Sweet Pea shivering, before turning back to the table, taking notice that Sweet Pea didn't reach for his phone once.

[anothersillyfanblog]

Earth On Hell

This is my Sanders Sides gift for @marsupials-of-mars for @sanderssidesgiftxchange!!! Basically all the sides are demons, hanging out in hell, but one of them (wonder who) is a teeny bit more chaotic than the others. (P.s I am gonna post on ao3 in a few days as well btw.)  Btw I’m not great at tags so mega apologies if it still slipped through sorry.

Hell.

Lunch breaks round here weren’t boring- there was plenty to see and do in hell- it had just kind of reached a point for Janus where most of it had already been done. Hence why, no matter what his colleagues in the eighth circle said, there was something interesting about sitting down with this chatty little demon and watching the human flesh blister.

“Y’know what I think?” the younger demon, Remus, casually asked. Janus sighed. “I try not to.” “I think that everyone who ends up here is dumb.” He tossed a rat into his mouth “All you gotta do is act nice and suck up to the big daddy in the clouds- that’s it! Easier than boiling babies!” “No,” Janus raised his eyebrows. “Because it’s based on the nature of your soul not what you do.”

“Well that ain’t fair! What if you can’t HELP dreaming of torture and carving hearts into carcases (or whatever these idiots got in here for), like it’s in your pretty little head from day uno?” He wagged his finger at Janus. “They could never do anything wrong in their entire life but get sent here for naughty thinking… seems a lil shitty to me.” “Well apparently they can ‘repent their sins and get eternal salvation’.” Janus revelled in the other guys’ confusion for a moment. “Say sorry a lot and it’ll be ok.” “Ohhhhhhhhhhh right. Oh yeah ok.” Remus nodded. “Seems a bit suspicious, are you sure that’s a thing?”

A couple of screams got louder, and Janus turned to see a scrawny horned demon carrying a bucket and biting his lip. He had his arms comically wrapped all the way round it- an ugly neon yellow bucket with a ‘warning’ label (because hell needs health and safety standards)- and he was edging towards a nearby cliff.

“Hey Virge!” Remus called out “What’cha doin?” “I…” the horned demon tipped the bucket over the precipice as the screams intensified “…am adding a couple… of new souls… to the… whirlwind.” “Come get lunch, Virgil! It’s rat day!” he grinned, holding up a rodent “Also didn’t Pat tell you to do that like, a week ago?” “Yes but I’m also a dumb bitch.” Virgil sat down next to Remus. “Who’s this?” he glanced awkwardly at Janus. “I-” “HE’S my friend from the EIGHTH FUCKING CIRCLE!!!” Remus interrupted. “That not being the eighth circle of fucking, though it might well be…” “It’s not.” Janus clarified. “Yeah, I didn’t think it was.” Virgil smiled “I’m Virgil. I work with him under Patton? Second circle so-to-speak.” “Oh yeah I know the guy.”

Patton was the overseer for a lot of things in the lower levels. Not really a specific tier, or a specific expertise, but if you spent any time in one-five then you at least saw him. Most people ‘above’ him were aware of him in a general sense. Janus had met him twice? Three times? Yeah, if you counted bumping shoulders at the river Styx that one time, then it was three.

It made sense that Remus and Virgil worked for Patton- a lot of the younger demons did these days.

“UGH doesn’t everyone?” Remus whined “He is annoying!” “He’s your boss.” Janus observed. “Yes, and he’s annoying! I say we, I dunno, set fire to his ass or something…” Virgil shrunk into his seat “He’s our boss? Also he isn’t in charge of everyone, he has a boss right…” “Yeah, but uh…” Remus clicked his fingers “We were saying weren’t we?” he looked at Janus. “No. Whatever you think we were saying, we weren’t.” “People shouldn’t get here for wanting to do crimes!” he clapped his hands “I think we should break everyone out of hell.”

One week later: Hell

Work hours, naturally. Janus was trying to process new souls but honestly there was no signal and his tablet just wasn’t working.

“And they say eighth circle is an enviable job…” he tapped the screen “I- I’ll be with you in a moment, sorry about this.” He said to the guy in line to be thrown into the pit. “No, no, take your time.”

Finally, the sound of footsteps approaching! Janus looked up and smiled. “Ah, the tech guy! Yeah, there’s no service on this, so if you could-”

“Where’s Remus?” Janus smiled a little “Excuse me?” “Which circle can Remus be found in?” the tech guy kept his face stern (if he was the tech guy) “I know you know him.” “I’m working right now, or trying to, so come back when I’m not and then we can talk.”

The tech guy ripped the tablet out of Janus’ hands.

“Where can Remus be found?” “He isn’t an important demon-” “Lower tiers…” “Not what I mean, I meant you shouldn’t need him.” “But I do.” “Why?” “Irrelevant, just tell me where he is located.” “Well forgive me for thinking you’re going to hurt him, but I think you’re- you know- going to hurt him.” “Falseh- it’s inconsequential, I must find him.” Janus paused. “Fix my tablet, please. I believe you.”

The tech guy looked momentarily confused before realising what Janus meant and doing so. “Second circle, every time I’ve seen him.” Janus said “Is… is he in trouble?”

“Not with me, negative. I do not have the influence to get many people into trouble. As for the future…” he sighed “I would advise you to keep your distance from him, though that’s my observation.” He left off towards the exit of the tier.

Janus grimaced, looking at his now-working tablet.

“If it’s any consolation, it probably won’t affect you.” The guy in line said, making Janus jump in surprise. “Shit! I need to get all you processed, I am gonna get in trouble.” He smiled at the guy who now frowned. “Okay name and age at time of death…”

One month later: Hell

“Where’s-” “Remus?” Patton interrupted. “we’re dealing with it.” Janus chuckled “Will anyone down here actually let me finish a sentence?” “Of course, my apologies- what were you going to say?” “Where is Virgil?” he smirked. “He works in your general bracket, right?”

Patton breathed in sharply. No one had seen Virgil since Remus had started (conveniently) quietening down, and Janus knew it. Everybody knew it. His work tallies were still placed in- by who, nobody knew- but the second circle was widely lacking in Virgil.

“He’s doing some work on…” Patton’s eyes darted round rapidly “admin. He’s working on potential field experience up there, needs to put in the admin first.”

Janus raised his eyebrows, looking up towards the Earth. “The thing is, Pat, I’m Eighth circle. I specialize in fraud- you know what that is?” Patton nodded. “Deceit, Patton, lies. And every day suave fuckers queue up trying to tell me why I have ‘the wrong circle’ or why ‘they should get special treatment’ and guess what, Patton? It’s always bullshit.”

He stared straight at the other demon. “I have been doing this for too damn long to not have the fucking right to tear the throat of anyone, ANYONE, who dares to be as lousy as you at lying to me. So don’t ever tell me that Virgil is doing admin, FUCKING ADMIN, because no one here will believe- or miss- you.” He sighed. “Let’s start again. Where’s Virgil?”

Patton swallowed “I…”

“Do you not know?” Janus asked, “This will go a lot better for you if you just admit that you don’t know.” Patton shook his head “Not exactly, no.” he whispered, “We’re not sure where he is.” “Not sure or don’t know?” “We know he’s in hell… we know that, we’re aware of him but not where.” Janus pinched his forehead “Okay so out of all the nine circles of hell, you have no clue, none. Lovely.” “If Remus would co-operate…” Patton muttered. “If I would what now?”

Ah yes, Remus. Walking cheerily towards them, smile slightly wider than ever, living his best life. Of course it was most likely that he had been questioned on Virgil’s whereabouts, given their activities during the past month-or-so, but Remus had decided to ‘calm down’ now and had ‘no idea about anything that anyone was doing’. Or so he had said to Janus.

“Patton! You already know I told ya everything about Virge, didn’t I?” he grinned. “Of course, don’t doubt it.” Patton said, as if he were lecturing a child. “And you got all your silly little friends to stand down which was very good of you.” Remus clapped his hands. “Yes! I did that!” “BUT!” Patton wagged his finger “I think you may have forgotten places that Virgil could be- or things you knew about Virgil.” Remus gasped in shock “Oh no!” “We want to find him, you want to find him. Let’s do this together please.” Patton nodded towards Janus. “Isn’t that right?” “Huh?” Janus smirked “Oh yes, working together. Of course.” Patton smiled again, then turned to leave.

Remus groaned “Ugh, what an annoying piece of poop! Wanna feed him to a pack of rampaging squirrels!” “Where’s Virgil?” “Up your butt!” Remus laughed, “Just kidding, don’t check, I have no idea.” Janus nearly prayed out of sheer frustration. “Don’t fucking lie to me, Remus, unholy shit.” “Okay, okay!” he giggled. “So I might know… but I can’t tell you.” “Why?” Janus asked, confused, “You think I’m going to run to Patton?” Remus looked down “Well, Logan says you shouldn’t be involved in-”

“You’re still working with Logan? You said you’d told them to stand down…” Remus chuckled “You believe that?” “Well, no,” Janus admitted, “But I…what the fuck are you planning?” “Eh, just a little bit of trouble…” “What you did already was a ‘little bit of trouble’- hell, it got your supervisors’ attention, so actually it was kinda a bit more than that.” Janus explained. “I made a group?” “A militia.” Remus threw his arms up “Well, we barely did anything! Pat WAY overreacted!” “Not… if you’re actually planning something he didn’t.” “So you are on his side?”

“I…” Janus looked away. “I don’t want this going south. For you, Virge, us. That’s the bargain you make when you leave heaven, to look out for you and yours. Get what is considered ‘best’ down here.” “But what if what is ‘mine’ is…” Remus looked wistfully at the hurricane of souls swirling around them “Never mind. See you around!”

He made his way off towards the offices where he worked, leaving Janus listening to the winds scream for mercy.

One year later: Hell

“Here.” Janus held out a bucket of blood that spat angrily at both of the demons, “from management.” Roman didn’t look up. “Chuck it in, before they get too comfortable.”

Janus peered down at the bubbling lake, almost glad to see that some parts of hell hadn’t changed that much. He poured the new blood in and watched the souls writhe- no hope of Remus for this lot. Though somehow, in some corners, they screamed out his name. How? Patton had nearly torn his horns off the first time he’d heard it, because how? How could they know about him? And that was the problem when the fresh blood was added and the screaming began anew.

What they screamed for.

Roman rolled his eyes “I’ve never wanted them to stop more…” Janus scoffed “You should see Patton, he has lost it.” “How so?” “Apparently,” he began, “He’s been inventing and subjecting harsher tortures for any souls who mention his name- or the others.” Roman chuckled at this “Well! Woe betide any gossip outlet, then…” “He’s getting them shut down, I think.” Roman gasped “His higher-ups can’t approve of that- right?”

Janus raised his eyebrows “His higher-? Roman, after the whole, well, you know… after Remus did all that, his only higher ups were a couple of folks in what used to be ninth circle.” He looked to the lake of blood. “Now? I don’t think some of them would even challenge him…”

“Oh.” Roman smiled. “How long’s that going to last?” “What?” “Patton- in charge? Until things are figured out, right?”

At this Janus started to laugh. He kept laughing and laughing till Roman joined in then realised it just wasn’t funny because it never had been.

“Forever.” He scowled. “He’s going to stabilize and reorganize the layers he has, take back the ones he doesn’t, put the souls back into torment, then execute the demons. All of them. Remus, Virgil, Logan, Remy, ALL OF THEM WILL DIE. Painfully. And then! He will rule over hell forever.”

“That’s a bit cynical.” “Well EXCUSE ME-” “No, I just thought- being an ex-friend of Remus- you might’ve been more cheerful.” Janus bit his lip. “We weren’t friends because we were even remotely similar. We were friends because I was bored, work was boring.” “Okay, makes sense!” Roman smiled. “So we’re all gonna end up working under Patton (if we aren’t already) and it’s gonna be aaaahhh ooohh not good very bad?” “Little bit more than that, but yes.” “Ah so more painfully terrible every moment we’re awake?” “Yeah.” “Hm… why not leave?” Roman casually asked. You know, casually.

Janus scoffed “Because of the whole dying thing?” he gestured wildly “I can’t go off on my own; I don��t stand a chance, I can’t repent; you have to mean that shit, and I can’t go with Remus and his crew because- because…” he looked down “I’m sorry Roman but the reason I never got too involved in the first place is because what he plans just isn’t going to work. He can’t win- he’ll die, and if I get involved then I will too and the point of all of this,” he spread his arms round “Is so you can look out for yourself, so you don’t have to be selfless and give up everything for someone else. Why do I have to be ashamed for not wanting to be a martyr?”

“I… you don’t.” “Exactly” Janus snapped. “If you truly believe that this is what’s better,” Roman added. Janus whistled “No, that’s…” he shook his head “Anyway. Whatever happens, they can’t be faulted for trying.” “No, absolutely not! Wait we are talking Remus and-” “Of course I’m talking about Remus’ lot.” Roman nodded “Ah, well yes- I agree. They’ve done a surprisingly competent job, all of them.”

They both paused for a moment. “It’s because they have the tech guy.” “It’s coz of the tech guy.” Roman agreed “I mean it’s not like the rest of his crew can’t organize things, but…” “It’s the tech guy.” Janus concluded “I hear he orchestrated the ‘Virgil plot’.” “Exactly!” Roman exclaimed “and that was wow, just impressive as anything (if you don’t mind me saying), like- hiding Virgil for that long to steal that many souls? If they don’t win it’ll be a little depressing.” “It’ll be more than that.” Janus smiled solemnly.

“It’ll be the end of life as we know it.”

Ten Years Later: Italy.

“Virge!” Janus could hear someone calling outside of the cavern “can you get that thick ass over here, please?” That ‘someone’ was probably Remus. “Janus, that includes you too!” “How does ‘Virge’ include me?” he called back. “Don’t question the king of crimes!”

Reluctantly, Janus stood up and wandered out to the frosty mountainside. He grimaced- the cold bits of hell had never been his favourite, even when they flaunted ‘coveted positions’ and such. Still.

“You want a coffee?” Remy asked. “Please.” He gestured over to a nearby hut “The coffee machine is right there, honey.” “But I never get the ratio right…” Janus pleaded. Remy chuckled and sipped his drink “Girl, that just ain’t my problem!”

“Janus!” Remus grabbed his arm suddenly and yanked him away “You sexy motherfucker, I called you an AGE ago! Now come on!” “Right, what do you need?” “Emotional stability…” Remus placed his hand on his chest “Just kidding! So basically, the waterpump’s broken (but Logan’s “dealing with that”), we received word that Patton has guns now- so we need better defences just in case- and also Patton has guns so yeah. Can we have those please?” Janus’ eyes widened. “Ok so is Patton-with-a-gun confirmed, or a rumour? Because hell basically never deploys projectiles.” “Are you sure I can’t be used as a projectile?” Remus half-spoke aloud “Yeet me at them.” “You’re getting distracted.” “Oh. Yes, it’s confirmed. One billion percent.” Janus pinched his forehead “Well, somehow I doubt that statistic, but okay. Let’s work on anti-gun strategy, defence, etc. because it is possible they’ll get hold of unholy projectiles specifically for us.” “Why can’t we get guns?” “Maybe one day, but if you actually think I trust you with a GUN-” “Fair point”

“Um, I was called?” Virgil was stood in the snow, watching them talk. They both jumped. “Yeah like, FIFTY YEARS AGO!” Remus cried. “Oh I’M sorry, look I did show up- it’s just I didn’t want to interrupt…” he trailed off. Janus smiled. “That’s understandable.” “That’s understandable.” Remus mimicked “Ooh, whatever, we were just chatting! No rules on chatting! Also what are your thoughts on guns?” “I think we should focus on hiding for now…” “BORING! Guns?” “Let him speak” Janus warned. Virgil looked down “I mean, our last skirmish went well, and we are getting more to join… but right now I think we should focus on what we have. And that advantage is mystery. Let’s keep it.” “Ooh mystery! Spooky!” Remus wiggled his arms. “No, I get what you mean.” Janus nodded “Like how you got so many in the beginning because they were intrigued, people will talk if we stay off the map for a while.” Remus tutted “Oh, you. Being sensible.” He frowned “We’ve been lucky, haven’t we? To live?” Janus smiled “Like this? Absolutely.” “Yeah, we should go under. Be sneaky! Recruit people who aren’t dicks and so on.”

Logan agreed with the idea for once, which was probably because it was Virgil’s, but also he stated: “We have already been living ‘both figuratively and literally underground’ so it makes an appropriate amount of sense to make this an officially secret place of dwelling.” 

He also agreed with Janus’ gun-plan. This, of course, being that they focus on defence and perhaps work on getting weapons of their own in the future. Though he was a little heavier on the “no gun-wielding-Remus” stance, stating: “On no condition can he be allowed a gun, none. Others in our company- fine. I will trust from the upper-most generals to the smallest child amongst us with a projectile, but never Remus. Oh and can we consider adding Remy to that list?”

Janus didn’t bother to question the part about trusting children with guns, he simply nodded and got to work on defence, sometimes smiling at Remus as he did.

And it didn’t matter what anyone was or wasn’t doing, Remus always grinned away.

One Century Later

[mychemicalficrecs]

Hiya! Not sure if you do this, but would you be able to suggest some non-ao3 finished frerard fics? It seems I've read ao3's entire collection 😅 Thank you so much, you're honestly my favourite blog on here xx

Thanks for your kind words, Nonny! And... congratz on reading the entire ao3 tag, there are a lot of works there :D

Frank/Gerard is such a popular ship that I was actually able to find quite a lot from outside ao3.

Non-AO3 Frank/Gerard

Thing-Thing by sinsense, 43k, NC-17. When Gerard signed the admissions paperwork for the Fordhaven School for Boys, he knew he was signing up for four years of sexual frustration. No one was gay at Fordhaven. Gerard was all-too-aware that he would be a virgin until he graduated. In his senior year, though, this stupid gay freshman disproves Fordhaven's straightness, and throws Gerard's entire world off-kilter. Now, in between drawing, avoiding bullies, running an incredibly serious tabletop RP game, failing out of math, and hanging out with friends, Gerard is also busy kind of falling for this asshole who's way too young for him. It's not what he planned on, but it's what's happening. In conclusion: high school sucks.

I Think I Thought (I Saw You Try) by thatsfinewithus, ~3,000, NC-17. Welcome to some weird AU world in which Gee only does awesome comics and Frank is a vampire.

They Came From Outer Jersey! by thatsfinewithus, 25k, R. New London Fire is an elite fringe government force assigned the task of protecting the earth from some of its more interesting threats: those from beyond the atmosphere or even the universe. They've handled dangerous cases before, but they've never seen anything like...ZOMBIES FROM SPACE. Vampires, long hunted in lore and legend, are now the earth's only saviors. There is little information as to who sent the creatures until Mikey Way, head of the NLF, finds out more by being abducted. Is it too late for him? Is it too late for the earth? Find out how six vampires, one government general, and one frustrated comic book artist save the earth in...THEY CAME FROM OUTER JERSEY!!

I never told you what I do for a living. by not0_fuckin_kay, 60k+, PG-13 to NC-17. Frank Iero, male nurse at Pete Wentz's private hospital and possibly more to one new patient he can't keep his eyes off of. When a new pateint is brought in with amnesia, just days before Christmas, and with nothing but the clothes on his back and a strange drawing, it's left to Frank to find out who he is and what happened to him. When he does, it changes Frank's life forever, as he's thrust into love and health scares he never thought would complicate his life. This is the story of how he tries to make it through, juggling his job and his love-life and just trying to make things better. With Patrick the doctor, Bob the ward supervisor, Travis the unlikely therapist, and Mikey, the sometimes wannabe homicidal geek.

Of All The Hidden Corners by moneyes, ~44K, PG-13. An epic, adventurous tale filled with alternate universes, lords, mischief, magical powers, snark, boyfriends, and luck of the bad kind.

All We Are by lightisbreaking, 21k, R. Set in the future, where humans are on the brink of evolution. For the select few born with a special awareness of their own minds - an awareness which gives them abilities beyond the norm, life is suddenly a very dangerous thing. Frightened of what this could mean, the government set out to make this new race of humans extinct, telling the public that these people are mentally unstable defectives and must be kept under observation for the safety of the public. All of this brings together a rather odd troupe of people, hiding from the government and eventually having to protect one of their own when he's taken into custody. Superpowers AU!

Tell Us a Story by bexless, imogenedisease, 32k, NC-17. The world as these kids know it is ending, and Gabe Saporta is throwing the party. High school AU based on the movie Can't Hardly Wait.

Stay Right Here by idktbh, swagneto, 28k, R. Frank is involved in an accident which renders him paralyzed from the waist down. When Frank begins to withdraw into himself, his relationship with Gerard crumbles and the band faces the hardest decision they'll ever make: whether to continue playing or not. This is a story about how MCR copes with the biggest obstacle of their career so far.

Return to Spirit Lake by inpurity, 22k, R. Gerard Way has left Spirit Lake when he was eighteen to study to become a veterinary surgeon, and with no intention of ever coming back. Twelve years later he is back, carrying secrets of a life spent away from his family and friends, and the weight of a dark, painful sorrow. His old home town has not changed, but his life, and the lives of the people he will meet along the way, will never be the same.

These Friday Night Lights by faux-disco-sins, 21k, PG-13. Gerard is the head cheerleader and wears the cheer skirt, Frank is on the football team, Pete is the school mascot, Ryan is the school’s hobo journalist, Jon does photography for the yearbook, Spencer and Patrick are in the marching band, Gabe and Ray are AV techs who do a ESPN spin-off for the school, Bob is the big scary lineman, and Mikey tries to fit in while ignoring the fact that his older brother is wearing a skirt in public.

Of Love And Superpowers by mcrnut, 20k, NC-17. Seventeen year old Frank Iero is in his last year at Mutant High. He has a couple of good friends, is doing okay in school and even though he has some issues with his Mother, life is pretty great. That is, until one day, when he overhears some of the professors talking about the well-known Anti-Mutant organization HSA and how they have already broken into two Mutant Academies and are heading their way. Frank and his friends have to stick their heads together and try to solve the mystery, and as if Frank didn't have enough to think about already, he finds himself falling for his friend's older brother, Gerard.

Cypress Grove by slashxyouxup, 24k+, NC17. My Chemical Romance fight off a town of sperm hoarding, men hating, PMSing maniac women in order to save themselves from certain doom! Also, Frank and Gerard get closer than close while pretending to not be completely in love with each other. Mikeyway is not amused.

Sleepwalker by lyrical_tragedy, 73k, NC-17. Frank Iero is one of the best cops in New Jersey so it’s only natural that his boss dumps a seemingly unsolvable case on him and his colleague Bob Bryar. With no leads whatsoever Frank enlists the help of Gerard Way, a reclusive young man who experiences strong visions and dreams of events from the past and visions of the future. However, none of them could ever begin to expect the terrifying chain of events that come into play once they delve deeper into the unknown, questioning Frank’s very beliefs on what the world actually holds. A story of visions, sacrifices, over protective brothers and love all in the midst of the attempted destruction of the world. The devil’s got your number and he will come calling, until it’s nothing more than hell on earth.

Patience Is A Virtue (You Might Be Good Looking, But You Can’t Sleep With Yourself Tonight) by eflorentino, 22k, NC-17. Frank Iero’s biggest hero is Gerard Way; the outspoken, obnoxious lead singer of the multi-platinum selling band My Chemical Romance. His world changes completely when he finds himself suddenly shoved into the limelight, playing sell-out shows every night and earning more than his usual $6 an hour. However, the infamously homophobic frontman isn’t what Frank expects, and after mixed signals and unsolved revelations he learns that, with Gerard Way, things are never simple.

But Nobody Cares If You're Losing Yourself by red_ones_fly, 16k, NC-17. It took me a while to work out that there was something wrong with Gerard, he kept it hidden well and, really, he didn’t even know something was wrong with him. To him it seemed like normal, everyday stuff. He never found any of his behaviour out of the ordinary. To him it was just reality.’ After Gerard's grandma passes away his behaviour becomes strange. He becomes less outgoing and more paranoid. As Frank tries to work out what’s going on with his friend/love interest, between school, learning psychology and dealing with the jocks, he doesn’t realise just how bad it is.

Parks and Recreation by vinvy, 35k+, PG-13. Gerard Way is an art school drop out with no prospects, student loans to pay off, and a dead end job. His mother works too hard and his little brother Mikey is keeping secrets. His boss runs shady contracts and smiles too much. It's nothing special and he tells himself that he'll learn to make peace with that- in the meantime he's got to carve out a living that doesn't involve artwork. Really, he's going to be okay. Then a crazy homeless kid comes along and screws up Gerard's Adventures in Normal Employment with his hippie magic and soulless eyes. Gerard can't shake the feeling that this guy "isn't quite right" but he's too busy fending off the freak accidents that are following him around to worry about that particular winged freak.

Empire Boys by noctecaelum, 30k, NC-17. In the city that never sleeps, it's tough to get your foot in the door. While Gabe Saporta may find it easy to blend into the socialite scene; Gerard Way spends his day blending eyeshadow at Bloomingdales. As newcomer Frank triumphs in Women's Lingerie, Gerard sparks a bitter rivalry in the vicinity of Lexington and 59th; but there's no use crying over spilt coffee because things are about to fire up. Meanwhile, on the Upper East Side, Gabe Saporta is none too pleased to read a socialite-bashing article, but when confronting the writer, he doesn't expect to meet fresh faced, pretty-boy William Beckett, who turns out to be the biggest tease this side of the Downtown Dunkin' Donuts.

The Evolution Index by theficisalie, 32k, NC-17. In a world where superpowers are just another thing that can get you sent to boarding school, Frank Iero and his friends know what it's like to operate under heavy levels of stress. After all, they did spend their formative years under the wings of the United States Government's most widespread and successful initiatives; a program that was created to protect and train young Americans with superpowers to become functioning members of society. And, as a side-benefit, the government realized that not only were telepaths great at taking drink orders, but they could also be trained to be highly successful secret agents. Under the guidance of Frank's volatile and (literally) power-hungry boyfriend Gerard Way; Frank, Mikey Way, and Ray Toro are an accomplished team of super spies. When a handful of people from Frank's sordid past crop up during an investigation of rash Superhuman disappearances across the country, the team finds themselves challenged both on and off the field as they fight to solve the mysteries plaguing their beloved nation. Frank knows all too much about uncovering things that he'd rather keep hidden, but can he and his team unravel the intricate web of crime and kidnapping surrounding Chicago without losing themselves in the process?

A Good Ocean Gone Wrong by xoxxblitz7, 32k, NC-17. Titanic AU - The Way's are one of the richest families in America and sometimes being an artist requires the need to travel. On the doomed maiden voyage of Titanic old friends are found, new love is formed and put to the test and the most luxurious crossing of the Atlantic ocean becomes a fight for survival.

A Fanfiction (In Which Gerard Has A Secret Stash of Star Wars Fanfiction) by sparklefap, 10k, R. Frank finds Gerard's bizarrely erotic Star Wars fanfiction, and is both disturbed and aroused by it. Those feelings won't do for Frank. He seeks revenge.

[cilldaracailin]

Don’t Stop Me Now

Hello all my lovely Tumblr’s. Here is the next part to this story. Hope you all enjoy. Thanks for the likes on the previous part and the comments too.

2

“To conquer frustration, one must remain intensely focused on the outcome, not the obstacles.”

“I just cannot say sorry enough Taron. I really can’t.”

“Robyn it is ok.”

“No Taron it really isn’t. I just cannot explain to you how much I was looking forward to it and that is the God’s honest truth. I have my bloody case out and packed ready to go too.”

“Robyn, I swear it is ok. I understand.”

“And the dress.” Robyn stared at the dress Stella had sent back to her house three days after she had tried it on with a note that said ‘you’ll knock him dead’ attached. Robyn had hung it on the closer door ready to take on the plane with her on Saturday.

“It’s just a dress chicken. You can still wear it when you get home from your training on Saturday and walk around your sitting room and sit in my corner with cwtch.”

“Taron…”

“Robyn, please don’t say it again. I understand that sometimes these things happen.”

Robyn had been sitting at her desk in work on Wednesday when an email came into her work account for a training course that was happening for all management within her catchment area by the local childcare committee on the weekend of Elton’s charity auction. Compulsory training. Robyn had rang the committee to ask about the training and complain about the short notice but had no choice but to accept the fact that it was training that was now part of the childcare regulations and all management staff within each centre had to attend and their centres training was the coming Saturday. Robyn had asked if the training was available on another day but it wasn’t. She pleaded with them for another weekend but there was no leeway. With Emma away for a few days, Robyn was in charge of the creche and had no other option but to accept their places on the training course which started at eight am and finished at six. Then she had to call Taron and explain that she wouldn’t be able to come and see him and be by his side.

“I just feel like I am letting you down.”

“Robyn you could never let me down. Never. I can’t say I am not disappointed because I am but that’s because I would never lie to you. I understand how important your job is to you and how hard you have worked to get to where you are. We will get to see each other again.” Even though Taron was taking her news well, she could still hear the hurt in his voice. “You will definitely have to send me a picture of the dress now.”

“Taron I am so so sorry.”

“Robyn stop.”

“I promise the next weekend I have free; I am on my way over to you.”

“You do know I am back filming Kingsman next weekend, right? You will have to fly to New York to see me.”

“I am willing to do that Taron. I have some holidays left over.” He laughed a little. “I just can’t explain to you how mad I am because of all of this. I was looking forward to a squishy hug. What a fucking shit way to email about training. Apparently, they had emailed about it three weeks ago but we never got the bloody email and now there’s no choice but to go.”

“Robyn please stop beating yourself up over it.”

“I just so fucking annoyed over it.”

“Hey Robyn don’t start getting upset.” Taron could hear the emotion in her voice and he was working very hard to keep himself together with how disappointed she sounded .

“I really wanted to see you.”

“I know chicken. I wanted to see you too. I was looking forward to a head massage.” He was glad to hear Robyn laugh. “Look it is just one of those shit things that happen. We will make up for it.”

Robyn sighed. “I know. Could have been this weekend though.”

It was a sad goodbye, Taron promising he would ring her later on when she was finished work, both feeling utterly devastated that their reunion had been cancelled.

On Saturday, Emma had noticed how quiet but exasperated Robyn had been during their first three hours of learning about the new curriculum framework that was being introduced to early years education, Robyn almost hitting her head with frustration off the table she was sitting at. It was something herself and Emma were already trained in and both were blue in the face talking about with their staff and parents and Robyn knew the manual for the curriculum inside out and could not for the life of her figure out why the training was mandatory when she could have lectured on the topic herself.

“What has your knickers in a twist?” Asked Emma as they took a break for some tea and coffee. “No offense but you are in a fowl humour.”

Robyn crossed her arms over her chest, looking down at the shirt she was wearing, Taron’s shirt she had stolen. She might not have been able to see him over the weekend but she was going to do what she could to keep him in her thoughts for the whole day.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry Robyn. Jesus everyone has bad days but I haven’t seen you in a mood like this since you came home from Florida.” Emma took a drink from her cup. “What is up with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Look I know you are annoyed over the training. I completely understand that this has been your first weekend off in weeks and sitting here listening to it, I know I can read your mind: why on earth are we here when we practise this every day in work? I have been asking myself the same question but even though we know it back to front, it looks good to make an appearance especially after they gave us the funding for the garden.”

Robyn huffed and puffed, running her hands through her hair. “Yeah I know Emma. I know that it’s just... ugh fuck it. It doesn’t matter.”

Emma put her cup down and turned to her supervisor. “No Robyn it does matter. Something is seriously bothering you.” She watched as the blonde stared at the ground. “Robyn seriously, what on earth is going on.” She frowned when her heard muttering. “Ok use your words properly please.”

Robyn signed and looked up. “Taron.”

“Taron. Gorgeously handsome man who shared your bed for two weeks?” Robyn rolled her eyes. “Yeah ok Taron and what about him?”

Robyn uncrossed her arms. “I was supposed to be seeing him this weekend.”

“Wait, what?”

“He invited me, well no that’s a lie, well a half lie because I know he was heavily involved but I was invited to a charity auction held by Elton John in London this weekend and I was going to see Taron again. I got myself a beautiful fancy dress to wear too.”

“Sorry what?”

“You heard me. Taron and I were going to see each other again. Actually…” Robyn looked at her watch. “We should have been reuniting with each other about now.”

Emma held her hands up. “Ok wait. You were supposed to be meeting Taron this weekend, a man who you haven’t shut up about since you dropped him off at the airport and were invited to a party at Elton John’s house and you were going to wear a fabulous dress but yet you are here doing training? Fucks sakes Robyn!”

“It is mandatory training Emma!”

“It’s Taron!” Replied Emma.

“Yeah I bloody know that! But here I am and there he is across the pond.”

“Why the hell aren’t you with him!”

“Man-da-tor-ry training.” Repeated Robyn.

“For one of us Robyn.”

“What?” She asked. “I rang the lady who sent the email and she said that all management staff had to attend the training.”

“Robyn you could have gone to another weekend of training.”

“I asked that and I couldn’t. Only this one.”

Emma frowned. “Then why was I speaking to a manger from another creche earlier and she was telling me that the manger of their sister creche had a wedding this weekend and was scheduled to attend the training a different day.”

“What?” Robyn exclaimed, feeling tears start to pool in her eyes. “I double checked. I told Taron I couldn’t go with him.”

“You stay here.”

Robyn ran her hands down her tired face as Emma walked away from her, heading straight for the woman who was giving the training course. She couldn’t believe this was happening. The last three days had been torture for her and this morning had been painfully horrible as she got ready to go a training course rather than the airport. She had sent Taron a quick text of a rocket and a man and got her usual chicken and heart emoji back along with a shamrock too. She felt absolutely terrible that she had let him down and even though he had been so understanding, she knew he was hiding the hurt he felt.

“Right get out of here.” Emma walked back to her quickly.

“What?”

“I didn’t say this to you but that stupid bitch has no problem with rearranging the training for you.”

“What the fuck? I asked her on the phone…”

“And yes, I know this Robyn and I have already explained to her that this will not be the end of the conversation about it but you need to go.” Emma looked at Robyn’s slightly blank face. “Go to Taron!”

Robyn leant back against the table. “I cancelled my flights.”

“You did what? Robyn!”

“Well didn’t think I was able to go, did I?”

“What time is this big event at tonight?” Asked Emma as she pulled out her phone.

“It starts at seven. I was supposed to get getting ready with Stella at Elton’s house and then Taron and I were going to walk the red carpet together. It’s his first public appearance since Florida.”

“Jesus Robyn, you need to be there for that for him and Stella is?”

“His stylist? She helped me with my dress.”

Emma looked at her before she went back to her phone. “Right I can get you a flight at three thirty.”

“Emma is there any…”

“Don’t you even finish that sentence Robyn Quinn. Taron wanted you there for a reason and you are going to be there even if it is a little bit late. You can make an entrance. Let’s book you on this flight for three thirty. It will get you into London for four thirty and then you can make your way to Elton’s to get ready.”

“It will be too late by then Emma.”

“How much do you want to see Taron?”

“More than I can explain.”

“Then let me book the flight for you and go and see him. Do you have your dress?”

“Yes.”

“Ok then let’s book you a hotel room and you can get ready there and hop in a taxi to Elton’s. I can’t even believe I am saying that. What time had you booked home for Sunday?”

“It was around seven.”

“Ok I have one for eight. I am booking these flights for you Robyn and you are going to London to see him. You can go home and pack and be at the airport in time to catch the flight and still make the party.”

“It’s actually an auction for his charity.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “Whatever Robyn. I am booking these for you now and you are going and then we are booking a hotel room for you to get ready in. Ok so you won’t have a celebrity stylist to dress you but I am sure you can do your hair and make-up. I don’t even think Taron will care. He will just want to see you. Look up hotel rooms Robyn. Come on. Then you call Taron and tell him you will be there, but shall arrive fashionably late.”

Robyn took her own phone from her pocket and googled hotel rooms in London. She looked up the Premier Inn as she had stayed in many before and found a room in the one in Holborn. “I can get a room.”

“Well book it now. I am just through with your flights. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this Robyn.”

“I was told the training was mandatory Emma.”

“Not the training but your trip to London. I know how much Taron means to you.”

“I just wanted to keep it quiet. It was going to be splashed all over the newspapers anyway.” Robyn choose the option to pay at the hotel and confirmed her stay for the night, even though she wasn’t going to be using the room to sleep.

“Flights confirmed. I used your email so the confirmation will come to you and I included a bag for you too.”

“I will pay you back every cent.” Said Robyn as she screen-shot her room confirmation.

“We can talk about that on Monday. Now get your arse out of here and home so you can pack and give him a call to tell him the good news.”

“He is going to have a heart attack and my case is already packed. I never unpacked it.”

“Then go Robyn.”

“Thank you so much Emma and I will make up the training.”

“Forget the training. You could teach this training yourself and thank me on Monday with stories of your glorious celebrity weekend.” Emma gave Robyn a hug. “And make sure you get as many of those hugs in as you can.”

With another hug, Robyn let her friend go and grinned. “I am going to see him.”

“Only if you make the flight. Now go!”

Robyn ran down the stairs of the building and to her car. It was half an hour’s drive back to Kilcreen and it gave her about ten minutes to grab what she needed before she had to drive to the airport. She promised herself, the next time she needed to get to an airport, it was not going to be a rushed journey but here she was racing against the clock again. Knowing she had to concentrate on driving home safely and get to the airport in once piece, Robyn decided that she would wait until she was actually sitting in the terminal to call Taron because she knew he would keep talking with his excitement and she needed to make use of the time she had to ensure she made the flight. Her mood had done a complete one eighty and as she drove, her smile grew. She was going to see Taron and get the squishy hug she had been so looking forward too since he had left her.

[therainroguefanfiction]

༄ How To Save A Life… » original

Genre: Slice of Life, Angst

Word Count: 2,003

Pairing: None

World: Original

WARNING: This fic mentions anxiety, social anxiety, loneliness, self-harm and depression.

━━━━━━༻🌧️༺━━━━━━

It’s amazing, how such a simple gesture can mean so much to a person. They may not even realize the impact that they made, despite how big it may be. Human beings have the power to connect in a way that goes beyond any other species, but they don’t always choose to do so. With a simple act, a person can change another’s life, whether for good or bad. That kind of power is dangerous, so I suppose it’s a good thing that most human beings don’t realize they actually possess such a thing.

The more I think about it, the more it scares me. But I guess that doesn’t mean much, seeing how afraid I am of other humans in general. I really didn’t like other people, and I absolutely hate the way they make me feel when I’m around them. I go out of my way to avoid other people, and I make sure that I don’t get into any type of fights or altercations with others. I seem to have a skill, though, that makes people hate me with every fiber of their being. It’s been that way since I was a child.

Back then, I strived to get close to other people; all I wanted was a single person I could call a friend. It didn’t work out like I had hoped or like it always does on television. I didn’t fit in with any of the groups around me, even though I went out of my way to change myself to fit them. I did many things I shouldn’t have, that I still regret to this day, just to get them to like me, but they wouldn’t, they refused to accept me. They used me for what they could get, got a good laugh, and then dumped me to the side like roadkill.

It was frustrating, sure, but more than anything else, it just plain hurt. It wasn’t physical, so there was no amount of medicine that I could take that would cure the pain. I refused to do drugs and I refused to go out and get drunk just to forget. I suppose what I did choose to do was just as bad, though. Instead of drugs or alcohol, I turned to cutting. It terrified me every time I placed the smooth blade to my pale skin. Even though I was in so much pain, I didn’t want to die.

I was afraid to die.

I loved the world, I just hated the people in it.

Still, I slid the blade across my skin despite my fear. It was never deep enough to put me in harm’s way, which proves how much of a coward I really am – it’s pretty sad. It was no deeper than a cat scratch, but it still stung and throbbed, and little diamonds of blood covered it like a blanket. It was enough to make me feel better, for a few minutes, before I started to feel stupid for what I was doing to myself. That just made the situation worse.

I already hated myself for various reasons – fat, ugly, and above all else, unable to do anything right, just to name the main ones – and now I had cutting to add to my list. I was a despicable human being, I still am, but at least I can handle it a bit better now. I don’t cut anymore, though it does cross my mind occasionally.

Perhaps that’s a side effect of the crazy pills that I’m on now.

Though the pills do ease the fear of human beings, it can’t take it away. It’s still there, lingering just beneath the surface, waiting for me to feel safe and secure before it winds its black arms around me like death coming from the shadows. It grips my throat until I can’t breathe, and chains my heart so tight that it hurts every time it beats.

Sometimes I would envision myself in a barren wasteland, filled with nothing but rock formations that towered over me like skyscrapers. I could see chains binding my wrists to a metal plate in the ground, one that refused to budge so much as half an inch. The ground would crack beneath me, and lava would begin to seep through, but I couldn’t run away.

I could never run away.

I often wondered if someone could come to my rescue, to take me away, but I hated how that sounded. One thing I didn’t like – besides people -, was being a damsel in distress that needed a knight in shining armor to come to rescue her. Really, I’d be fine with just having someone that was a true friend, but after a while, I started to doubt the meaning of that word. I actually looked it up, and the definition only filled me with misery, knowing that I’d never have such a relationship.

Sure, there were people that tolerated me and my smart ass quips, like my co-workers, but something deep down told me they didn’t actually like me. I’m positive they only act nice because we have to see each other every week, and often are put together on projects. The day goes by in a painfully slow manner when you’re working with someone and there’s nothing but lightning between you – sadly, I know this because I just recently learned the true nature of my friend, who believes she’s done nothing wrong.

But I’m probably mostly to blame, anyway.

I guess I got a little off point, here, and for that, I apologize. I’m sure my ramblings mean nothing to you. So, let me spare you further hell, and begin telling you my boring, bang-your-head-against-a-brick-wall story.

Everything began when I was twenty-years-old, working at the local J.C. Penneys in the mall. It was my second job, and although my bosses were lenient and pleasant to be around – most of the time -, I still hated it. Not only because I was lazy, but because I hated having to deal with customers. Dealing with the people I worked with was one thing, but having the thought of being thrown onto the register with a customer was like staring my own death in the face.

Wait, I take that back. I’d rather stare death in the face than be on the register with customers.

Thankfully, this rat has learned to hide and run from customers – which would probably get me fired if anyone knew I did that since the company was one of those customer first types. That’s also why I do my very best to keep these thoughts tucked away from prying eyes. I mean, I hated being out there with people, but I needed the money. And in what other job would you be able to cower in an air-conditioned stock room by yourself, with no one to deal with but the massive racks of clothes that needed to be priced? It was heaven, really, but it didn’t happen very often.

I guess in a way I rely on my co-workers more than I should. With them around, I can roll the customer off onto them and get away scot-free. They don’t mind since they can actually handle having a simple conversation with other people.

It was the beginning of Spring, the beginning of April, and although it had been slightly chilly as of late, Florida was beginning to warm up. I didn’t mind the rare thirty-degree weather, it was the eighty-degree humidity covered weather that sent me to the floor panting and begging my family to move to Antarctica. I was very sensitive to heat, of any kind, which is another thing I can add to my pathetic list.

Nothing really special was happening in my life at the time, not like it ever did at any other time. I woke up last minute, rushed off to work, grit my teeth and tried not to harm myself just to be sent home, and when I finally would make it home, I’d flop in front of the computer where I stayed until it was time to go to bed.

See, rather than being one of those kids that goes out and parties the night away, having sex with every guy that smiles at her, I’ve always been the nerdy kid that sat at home, with no friends, playing video games and screwing around online. If anything, that’s the only thing I can say I like about myself. Of course, I probably would have done those things if I had actually had friends to coax me into them – I cave easily, remember?

That Monday, I expected the same routine.

I was only working six hours, so I just bit the inside of my cheek and decided to bare it, just like I did every other day that I worked at this godforsaken clothing store – I didn’t even like fashion, for fuck’s sake. That should be pretty obvious since I only ever come to work in t-shirts, jeans, and dirty sneakers that were falling apart – thank you, Walmart, for your wonderful quality in shoes.

I said goodbye to my mother, and promised to call her which I had no intention of doing – I mean, come on, I only get fifteen minutes, and I fully intend on spending those minutes trying to stay alive!

Since it was seven in the morning, and the store did not open until ten, I was forced to stand there looking like an idiot, pushing the little white button until my supervisor came power walking to the door with the keys. The older woman would smile and greet me with the typical good morning routine before telling me what I would be doing that day.

After her explanation, I’d take the elevator to the second floor – and god was it slow – before heading to the pricing office. Just like always, my team was already back there, scrambling around getting pricing books and sheets, picking out the cart they wanted, and trying to find a scanner that actually worked – those were few and far between, believe me.

The women would greet me, but it was nothing beyond a simple ‘good morning‘. Though I wanted to say something else, I never did, because I never knew what to say, and I knew I could never hold a conversation without doing something I’d regret. It was easier just to keep it short and simple. Seeing these women did make me feel a bit happy, even though we weren’t friends. I liked their presence, and they could be rather funny when they worked together.

Today we were looking for clearance in the Men’s department. Apparently, we had about fifty sheets of stuff to find, though I was sure we’d only be successful in about half the list, if that.

When nine-forty rolled around, I attended the meeting just so I could sit down for a few minutes, though nothing they discussed had anything to do with my team and, to be completely honest, I could care less about who got the most ICAPS, and who got the best reviews on the survey.

Good for them.

Give ’em a damn cookie and move on.

I took my time after the meeting ended because I decided to take my break now, so I could have fifteen more minutes without the threat of customers. I always did this when I worked six-hour days; it was starting to become a routine.

With those fifteen minutes, I spent them in the air-conditioned break room, in the back corner – or emo corner, as I’ve officially dubbed it -, trying to collect my thoughts and prepare myself for the horrible experience I was going to be throwing myself into it. It took a lot to calm myself down, but I managed it, just like always.

If only I had known how different that day was going to be.

If only I had known what was really going to happen to me that day.

I really should have stayed home.

━━━━━━༻🌧️༺━━━━━━

📜 Read more by checking out my masterlist 📜

[canaryatlaw]

alright it’s 1 am so let’s get going. today was pretty much, by all standards, a shitshow, on so many levels. I woke up at 8:45 for a 9 am call with my boss which was fine, and I was on the list to be the volunteer supervisor for the day, which I’ve never done before, but we’ve barely gotten any cases the last 2 weeks so I wasn’t too concerned. I get the first volunteer started on a half-finished case from yesterday, and gone from there. WELL. for whatever reason, the hotline started blowing up, and in the span of like, 30 minutes, we had give new calls in, which is nuts, and of course means that everybody else on the team has their own case to handle now so any requests for help or advice were basically out the window. great. and of course the volunteers are brand new, but they are attorneys, not law students like our normal volunteers, so we try to be a bit more hands off, but I still ended up correcting a lot of the paperwork. we were able to get the first one filed at like 1:30 which I was pleased with, but then I got a very bizarre call from the clerk bitching about all of our documents being in one combined pdf....like what the actual fuck??? this case was actually being handled at another court because of a pre-existing divorce case, so she wasn’t that familiar with our procedures, but like, this has never been considered a problem up until now. I tried explaining we only had the one pdf with all the documents in it and she kept being like “so you want ME to separate them?” and I really wanted to be like !!!! you’re a fucking clerk!! that’s literally what your job is!!! so we eventually got off the phone, and I can’t split pdfs into multiple files in the version of adobe that I have because it’s like the cheap one, so we had to send them to our tech person to separate each one and label it correctly, and this whole damn thing wasted like 45 minutes of my time that could very well have been used being a lot more productive. so we get that sent in and wait to hear from them, then get the other one sent in shortly before the 3 pm deadline (which I then had to have another call with court staff bitching about how late it was sent in when it’s literally established in the procedures THEY made) and a waiting game for both of those. so we waited. didn’t hear from the other court at all, our normal court the client got into the zoom “waiting room” and was there for like an hour, before her case gets called, and because this day could not possibly get any worse, I fucked up and sent them the paperwork for the wrong client, and since it was the end of the day they told her to send the right ones over and they’ll hear it in the morning. so I was like, really annoyed and mad at myself for fucking it up, but it is what it is. I called the other court after a bit and they were just like “yeah we’ll have to do it tomorrow” and part of me really wanted to pitch a fit and start yelling about what an emergency situation this was, but I REALLY did not have the emotional energy at that point, so I just said okay and that I’ll talk to them in the morning. So in the morning I’m supposed to facilitate two hearings, and then of course we have our weekly meeting (that was supposed to take place this afternoon but had to be rescheduled since everyone was working on a case) is set for 10 am tomorrow morning, so yeah, who the fuck knows what the morning is actually going to look like, so big fun times there huh. sigh. once all of that was done I basically just vegged out on the couch watching The Good Fight for the rest of the night because I really didn’t have the energy or desire to do anything else. for a while I was considering starting a fb fight after this girl I went to high school with and haven’t spoken to in like 10 years posted a really stupid comment on one of my posts and I REALLY wanted to give back a super snarky answer, but in the end I don’t give a flying fuck about her opinion, so it’s really not worth my time responding (though part of me really just wanted to start a fight anyway). I ended up finishing the last released episode of the good fight at like 10:30, and from there turned into Jimmy Kimmel for a bit and then Jimmy Fallon for a bit after Kimmel ended. and yeah, from there I showered and started getting ready for bed, and now I’m here and this is probably longer than it needed to be, but I clearly had a lot of frustration to vent here. But it’s like 1:25 am so I am going to go to bed now. Goodnight friends. Happy Friday, if that means anything to you at this point at least.

[megbox]

2019 Year in Review

Previous Posts: (2018) (2017) (2016) (2015) (2014) (2013) (2012) (2011) 

It’s actually kind of interesting how... less interesting these year-in-reviews get as I get older. Depending on how you look at it, 2019 was somewhat of an unremarkable year. I spent much of it tragically broke, I didn’t get the opportunity to do much traveling. But at the same time, not having these flashy, colourful experiences to write about all the time makes me value the easy, simple things more. It forces me to be a bit more reflective about how the day-to-day life I am carving out for myself teaches me things and about the person I am becoming. 

Far and away, the most positive thing to come out of 2019 has been that I am real deals social worker now. I have the best job in the entire world. I have “RSW” in my email signature and on my business cards. I do work that is meaningful to me every single day. There is so much to learn but I’m in the right place to be learning it. And I am really proud of myself for getting here ❤️

January 

Unlike the last few years, 2019 began on a high note. The millisecond that student loan hit my direct deposit, I took a little trip to Jasper to visit my friend Oliver who was teaching snowboarding at Marmot Basin for the season. I braved some very treacherous roads to make it to Jasper. It took me nearly eight hours. Highway 93 was closed so I had to take the long route and basically white-knuckled it the whole way. But it was so worth it. I found myself later that evening in a dorm room full of young Scandinavian people, downing American Vintage iced teas and feeling like I was at a frat party. We went to this club called Four Peaks and they played Rasputin by Boney M and everyone went crazy. I hooked up with this gorgeous Danish ski instructor named Rasmus. He was so beautiful. I am proud of that one, honestly. Oliver and I went skiing and hiking and we went to Earl’s and he tried a Caeser. By the end of the weekend, I think we maybe ran out of things to talk about. But it was really cool to see him and to hear about the last few years of his life and how excited he was to move to New Zealand to be with his girlfriend (whom he met on the same trip where he and I met, in Hawaii!)

On January 14, I started my second practicum. It was a sad transition. My time at CommunityWise had been so great that anything new was going to pale in comparison but my new placement was especially bad. It was so slow there. My computer hadn’t been updated in years and I didn’t have access to anything for weeks. My supervisor was barely around (not her fault, though. She was finishing her MSW, had two young children, was the team lead for both family centres in the city and had two practicum students to supervise. Girl was busy). I remember one morning while I was helping one of the caseworkers with some menial task like organizing the food pantry, and I was just so frustrated, I kind of asked her point-blank, “Is this practicum meant to be more self-directed?” and I just started crying as I asked it. I kind of… whimpered it. It was awkward but from that point on, they made way more of an effort to give me tasks and engage me in the work that was being done there. Lesson learned: you get what you ask for.

February  The first weekend of February is what we would call a “power weekend.” Looking back on these actions now, I cringe. However, at the time, I was pretty stoked. I slept with a friend from podcast club after a house party. For ease, I will refer to him as W. W had asked me out twice prior to this happening. I actually said yes, and we had plans to get drinks, but his best friend ended up going through a breakup the night before and he cancelled last minute. So then we slept together. Drunkenly. And it wasn’t… good. I chalked it up to the drunkenness. We went out on a real date, I made sure to have like one glass of wine maximum. He was lovely and great company and he taught me how to play crib but… you know that feeling when you’re like god, I wish I was enjoying this but I am just not enjoying this. It was like that all night. And it felt heavy. If I am being completely honest, there was also this strange moment that night where I had the thought, “he kind of looks like my grandfather if he were younger” and there is truly no recovering from that kind of realization.

February was also a terrible month because I had no days off. I will go to my grave angry about being required to work for free in my practicums. I was doing 32+ unpaid hours at this boring practicum and then working evenings and weekends at Famoso whenever I could. And Famoso was dead, so I wasn’t even making good money. This was also where I began to start witnessing things in my practicum that started to fuck with me. At first, I thought I was just having trouble sleeping. But over time in seminar and debriefs with my social work friends who were going through the same thing I realized that it was the oh-so-pleasant combination of vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue. 

Over the reading week, I went to Fernie with Maddy and her friends for a ski/party weekend and that was truly awesome. One of those weekends where your ribs ache for days once you’re back because you laughed so hard. Some highlights: 

It snowed 60cm the night before we skied. It was powder up to your waist. 

• Maddy’s friend Melissa liked our bartender at the hostel. She took his phone and texted herself from it so he would have her number and vice versa. Then she got so drunk that later the same evening, she was looking at the text and forgot that she had sent it to herself so she texted back, “Who is this?” Also LOL #Bryna. 

• I took nudes of Maddy in the hostel shower to send to the guy she was seeing at the time. LOL. What are friends for? 

• Maddy and I met this set of twins who are the definition of gym bros. Identical twins. We ended up hooking up with them. At the same time. In our bunk bed at the hostel. We high fived. I later fell off the top bunk. We gave them a beer for the road when they left. All year long, we send one another their Instagram posts and stories whenever it’s them flexing in the gym mirror and just laugh about, “we really slept with those guys.” 

March 

In March, I got the flu. It was very annoying. I had to miss practicum (meaning I’d have to make up the hours somehow later). I stated binge watching Grey’s Anatomy. 

I ended things with W. It was kind of harsh but it needed to be done. I need to stop breaking up with people in the weeks prior to my birthday because we had a total Dave-Simard-2.0 situation where W told me he had purchased a birthday present for me and he still wanted to give it to me.

I also ran the St. Patrick’s Day Road Race again!!! Good times as always. 

Practicum got much better in March. I had many things to do. I got to design the curriculum for and facilitate a six-week girl’s group. I assisted with the planning and running of a series of community tax clinics which was cool. Except the guy from the agency whose project it was is a creep. He kept telling me all of these stories that were incredibly inappropriate given the fact that we knew each other only in a professional sense. He made many comments about women’s bodies and appearances that were gross. And I got left in some pretty unsafe situations all by myself. AND he made me pay out of pocket for snacks for one of the tax clinics and never reimbursed me for that. I kind of forgot about that until just now. Wow. 

April 

April was a big month! 

I went to Portland for my birthday weekend with Matt and Connor. When I think back to this trip, it was lovely, but mostly what I remember is a lot of beer, a lot of rain, and being hungover. Portland is a really cool city. I wasn’t totally expecting to be confronted with as much homelessness and substance use as I was but, that’s my privilege talking. Some highlights from the trip include: 

• The “Flower in the Kettle” IPA I had. 

• The mascarpone, corn and lobster agnolotti I had for my birthday dinner at A Cena. Recommended to me by a trusted friend I worked with at Famoso. So rich. SO FUCKING GOOD. 

• Meeting this really drunk real estate agent at a dive bar and convincing her that Matt and Connor were both my boyfriends. I still have her business card in my wallet. I am unsure why. 

• The Weezer concert was honestly awesome. 

• Matt actually trying out the guyliner. 

• Meeting some random guy when I went to get gum at a corner store. His name was Dan. He was old. His girlfriend had kicked him out and he was just walking around. He’d been in prison for a lot of his life. We had a good chat. I got his phone number and now we have each other on Facebook. 

• In the airport on the way home, Matt and I were so overtired that absolutely everything was hilarious. The gif game (the gif of Kevin from The Office dropping the bucket of chili. “Me in Thailand”), and the beginning of when I got let in to the “KEVIN!!!!” joke. I had tears in my eyes. 

• Connor yelled at me in a pizza restauraunt LOL (sorry Connor. I know you Ctrl+F your name. But this was memorable to me.) 

In the middle of April, I FINISHED MY PRACTICUM HOURS AND EFFECTIVELY GOT MY DEGREE. I cannot describe to you how good it felt to be driving home from one of those tax clinics after my third twelve-hour day (making up practicum hours is fun) knowing I never had to go back. Knowing that soon enough, I’d get to work on all the same cool projects but actually get paid for my time.

We visited Saskatoon for Easter, which would turn out to be the last time I got to see my Baba. She was very ill, and both of us knew that it would likely be the last time, so I did get to say my goodbyes. It was very difficult and I sobbed for a lot of the ride home. It’s a weird feeling, when someone you love has been so ill for so long, and you begin to see their condition really deteriorate. When the idea of life without that person starts to become a reality. There was almost an… acceptance? It sounds so callous to say and it’s way more complex than this but also somewhat of a relief in the finality of it. I don’t know. It was a lot. 

April was also when I started interviewing for social work jobs. I had two interviews. The first one was at CCASA, essentially for what I thought was my dream job. I have never psyched myself out so hard for anything in my life. I thought about that interview and that interview alone for weeks. I studied harder than I have for any test ever. When the time came for the interview, I was so nervous. I became this meek and mild version of myself. It was honestly devastating. But of course, had I gotten that job, I would never have interviewed at the University of Calgary. My boss-to-be called me for a pre-interview while I was on shift at Famoso. It was busy, too. But I just said fuck it and ducked into the back and talked to her on the phone for twenty minutes. She invited me for an interview a week later where I had to give a five-minute presentation on managing stress as a student. Rock on. 

May 

On May 1, I got offered THE JOB AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALGARY! It was truly one of the happiest moments of my life. There is nothing more satisfying and exciting than actually attaining something you’ve been dreaming of for so long. It was for a one year contract on a maternity leave coverage, facilitating community trainings around suicide prevention, helping skills, all that good stuff. I was going to be on salary. I was going to have benefits. I WAS GOING TO BE ABLE TO WALK TO WORK AND HAVE A REAL CAREER THAT I WOULD BE PROUD OF AND EXCITED ABOUT.

I hung up the phone after accepting the job, texted all the requisite people about the good news, and then immediately drove to Famoso to quit. My boss at Famoso was angry with me because I did not give two weeks notice. I said I would work out the rest of my scheduled shifts. He was a jerk, he yelled at me in frustration saying, “You work here for five fucking years, we accommodate every trip, every vacation, every practicum and you don’t even have the courtesy to give me two weeks notice?!” It wasn’t a big deal though. He was just being an asshole. And hey, Steve, you’re still an asshole!

So my last day serving tables at Famoso Westhills was May 3, 2019. I’m usually not good with goodbyes but it was the easiest thing in the world to just walk out of there at the end of the night knowing I would never be back. I had ten days until I started my actual job at the University (a bit of an oversight on my part because I had ~no money~ so what the fuck was I going to do with ten days).

My grandmother passed away on May 19, 2019. Back to Saskatoon on May 28 for the funeral. It was really fucking sad and really fucking weird to see all of my cousins crying. My grandma also had a big Catholic funeral and none of us are particularly religious and as the direct relatives of the deceased we were at the front of the church and it was really obvious none of us had any idea when to kneel vs. stand and didn’t know any of the words or tunes to the songs.

On a happier note, my brother was accepted into medical school in May. Not that I ever doubted my brother would be a successful person, but this just really solidified it. Dr. MacKay.

June 

June was rather uneventful. I was honestly so cripplingly broke at this point, and it was so long before I actually saw a full salaried paycheck. I had to borrow money from my parents just to like, function. And pay my bills. It was embarrassing. But I was working full time and learning so many cool things about the job that it made it alright.

I walked the stage on the first week of June and accepted my BSW degree. I didn’t want to go but it was actually a pretty awesome and happy occasion.

The other big thing that happened in June is that Maddy moved to Australia. It sucks that I only met Maddy in the summer of 2018. She is so awesome and we became so close so quickly. I genuinely love her so much and spending time with her is so easy and fun, it was really sad when she left knowing that it was highly possible she may never return or at least not for several YEARS.

July 

By July, my new job was in full swing. I was facilitating trainings every other day (so much public speaking experience!), I was sitting on a committee, every day was new and challenging and exciting. 

My dad had a giant party for his 60th birthday, with some friends even coming from Saskatoon. They rented a limousine that took us to the Black Diamond hotel because apparently my parents have some kind of significance there. I did a shot with my grandfather? We played pool and Big Buck hunter? None of my friends came but all of my brother’s friends came and I honestly think that it turned the tables in terms of who my parents’ favourites are in terms of friends. 

I also had an awesome weekend at Folk Festival mostly with Kendal and Lachlan but also featuring guest appearances from Chad and Gillian. Podcast club pals. There is just nothing better than folk festival, honestly. Food trucks and music in the sun and drinking sangria from a flask and admiring everyone’s cool outfits and getting a tan and listening to concerts all day. I had a nap in the middle of the afternoon on Sunday and it was like the most glorious 45 minutes of my entire year. 

August 

Oh, no. August. I was still cripplingly broke (it takes a long time to catch up to a point where your entire paycheck is not just going to paying back things you’ve borrowed) and I made the utterly stupid decision to go to a music festival. 

Big Valley Jamboree, baby. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the best weekend that I am never ever doing again. Some highlights: 

• Mere minutes after arriving, I watched a man vomit. 

• The “Tony Keith” joke really took off. Lucas and I were so #inone on the Friday night we kept yelling and trying to start chants (“old man graphics!” is my personal favourite in response to Toby Keith’s random, pro-military Americana concert graphics).

• I gave my phone to somebody and then wandered off in search of this stupid boy’s campsite. I got very, very lost. The BVJ campground is a large place. I had no idea where I was going and was literally just stumbling through the dark and the mud. I ended up in the middle of some middle-aged Newfoundlanders’ campsite. They welcomed me. They offered me and sandwich and several beers. We chatted for like an hour. It was the best. I walked for SO LONG and finally found my own campsite. But we’re talking literally hours of walking around blind and disoriented. There were a few moments when I genuinely thought I was going to have to wait until the sun came up. 

• A few less-than-classy moments in porta potties. 

• The HANGOVERS. Jesus lord. I couldn’t survive. 

• Airwaves guy was great and I also had a really good buffalo chicken poutine thing that I remember fondly. 

In happier and much more professional news, I facilitated my first Community Helpers training in August. I was very nervous. Like, stay up all night the night before nervous. And we had some technical difficulties with setting up. But my coworker / work BFF Jeannie was there and she was a great support to me. She ran and got me a coffee and a banana bread because I hadn’t eaten and was so so stressed. And she encouraged me through the whole thing. It went really really well. I almost choked up at the end while thanking the participants for coming and explaining how it was my first training and they were such a great group to do it with. 

The squad was all super broke so we turned to free activities. It was very wholesome. We spent many afternoons and evenings reading in Prince’s Island Park with snacks. We went to Shakespeare in the park. We went hiking. 

A lot of my friends moved away in August. Such is life when your friends are all academics or have bright futures that are not confined to the Calgary city limits. Sydney moved to Victoria to start her PhD and we had a nice day at Elbow Falls eating berries and then having dinner with my family. Adam and Kendal both moved to Ottawa to start a fancy new government job and an MSW degree, respectively. I am really really proud of all of my friends but I miss them, too. Calgary is not the same without these people. 

On the flip side – a new roommate moved in! Maddie left to move to Red Deer to be with Joel and so our new roommate was a French exchange student named Aurore. She arrived and was shocked to see that none of the advertised furniture was in her room except for one limp mattress. Karla and I hadn’t even known she was coming because my landlord sucks, but we helped her get her things together and then ordered her some Skip the Dishes. She was exhausted. And sweet. And was starting a block week MBA class the next day in her second language. I felt for her. 

September 

In September, the inklings of me moving into a different role at the university were planted. My boss called me in to her office one afternoon and shut the door. I was terrified but she said to me, “you’re not in trouble. Actually, just the opposite.” She brought up the recent vacancies in the job I now hold (lol: spoilers) and said, “Just think about it. I just want you to know that there would be no hard feelings if you chose to apply for the role.” I was flattered but also caught off guard. I did not think I was qualified for the job. I had virtually no client experience in either of my practicums. I wasn’t even registered with the ACSW at this point. And I loved my old job and my health promotion coworkers so so much. But also… I was on a twelve month contract. And the person away on leave was definitely coming back. I was “strongly encouraged” to get registered with the college. 

It was honestly such a mess. They gently nudged me towards applying for the role, I was torn. Then they told me it probably wouldn’t work because I wasn’t yet registered with the ACSW, and even if I did register would still only be provisional. I felt an odd sense of relief at that, and had totally psyched myself out of being able to do the job at that point. At the last minute, I was told “just submit an application to keep our options open.” I did so. I got an interview. I interviewed (and it was SO fucking stressful…. Interviewing with people you already work with is 10x worse than interviewing with strangers. I tell ya.). And… I got the job!!! Not only did I get the job, I got a full-time, permanent contract (there were two positions, one full-time and one on a longer contract. I was told from the beginning I would just be applying for the longer contract but I ended up getting the FULL TIME ONE.) It was a HUGE boost to my confidence and again, one of the happiest days of the year.  

September was also just absolutely insane for work. So many orientation presentations, students reaching out wanting to get involved, starting all of the volunteer programs, planning. I was so, so, so SO FREAKING TIRED. But we did lots of fun things. Like we took Aurore and her friend Cecile to Banff, had them try Caesers and Beaver Tails and all kinds of Canadian things. 

October 

On my last day in my old role, my coworkers decorated my desk with a homemade banner and got me desserts. We went to McDonald’s for a feast and sat in the Hub and made jokes. It felt really special and I was really touched. 

On October 7, I started my new-but-also-kind-of-the-same job. I was very nervous and there was a lot to learn right from the get go. And it was so… strange. I HAD MY OWN OFFICE. WITH MY NAME ON THE DOOR AND EVERYTHING. The imposter syndrome hit me like a tsunami. I was extremely stressed, extremely overwhelmed. But my teammates and my boss are great. They understand I’m new not just to the role but to the field. They were (and are) so kind and patient with me and answer all of my questions. 

For Thanksgiving, we went to Banff. We had beers and did a little bowling at High Rollers and then went to the Rimrock for dinner. It was very nice. A few weeks later, I hosted my own friendsgiving dinner and roasted a turkey! And spent all day decorating my parents’ house and the table to look fancy. Everything turned out really really well. I was super stoked. Note to self: throw more dinner parties. 

November: 

What I recall from November is just… stress. The case management / social worker life came at me real hard, real fast. I had to call CFS for the first time. My client did not want me to. It was hard. I did not cope well. My coping strategy was to fuck off to Lake Louise (?) for a weekend in a hostel and drink two bottles of wine with some random sorority girls from Chicago. And tears.

The cooking phase was in full swing at this point. Eggs benedict, soft pretzels, curry, French onion soup, gnocchi, prosciutto apple blue cheese chicken, apple and chai galettes.

The third week of November was also when I decided to start training for the half marathon. I found a plan online and set out to follow it and honestly, it’s been great. I usually don’t stick to exercise routines for longer than a month because I tend to go too hard, too fast and I overdo it and I let one hungover day derail me. But this plan wasn’t focused on distance but rather time spent running. So rather than, “I have to run 5km” today it’s, “I have to run for 45 minutes today.” I thought I’d hate that but I actually really like it. It encourages me to go a little slower and just run out the clock, at whatever pace. And the speed is building gradually, and naturally.

December: 

Aaaand December!

December has been so much marathon training. Today, I am entering my seventh week of consistent running and exercise. That is a badass accomplishment for me. I am very pleased. I even managed to do my runs in Saskatoon on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Aurore left back to Paris. She had a birthday party at the house with all of her international friends and we went for sushi and looked at Christmas lights in the rich people neighborhoods before she returned home. She ended up being so wonderful. I will miss her.

I went to Radium for a weekend with Kennedy, Matt, Amanda, and their friend Katie. The takeaways from this experience are: I am excited to get to spend more time with Kennedy and Amanda and to become better friends with them, I think I like smoking weed now, and skiing is the best.

2020: 

To be completely honest, my life is pretty good. I sometimes wish I had somebody to share it with, and that’s something I hope to be a little better about in 2020 is putting myself out there in more of a meaningful way. 

I also am super excited to continue down this path with my career and to develop personally and professionally as a social worker. There is truly so much to learn and I’m really motivated and excited right now to do well at this which is an awesome feeling. I do need to work on not taking my work home with me so much, about separating the social work life from the personal life. Setting boundaries and all that good stuff. 

I’m hopefully going to run my first half marathon in 2020. May 31. The countdown is on. Excited to cross that item off the bucket list and experience the rush of crossing the finish line! That endorphin high is going to be insane. 

And I want to keep developing my cooking skills. Though they may be small, they are mighty. I want to try and learn how to make fresh pasta dough. LOL. Simple goals. 

Anyways... thank you 2019 for all you have brought me and taught me. I am grateful for the life I get to the live and the experiences I get to have. And I’m super stoked to see where 2020 takes me. 

<3 

[three-drink-amy]

If After All These Years, You’d Like to Meet

master list - AO3

Chapter Thirteen

The real world had a good way of taking the fun out of everything. Claire should have known that if she took three and a half days off, she would surely be paying for it the next week. Before her trip to Scotland, she’d chalked a busy week up to just being a doctor. But since Scotland she knew that if she wasn’t at the hospital, she could be with Jamie. She scoffed in frustration when she was finally leaving the hospital near midnight. It had only been a few days since they’d returned, but she wanted to be with him. The last time she’d seen him was when they both left her home Monday morning. It was Thursday and she missed him. She couldn’t help but scrunch her nose in disgust at how clingy she seemed already.

It was the newness, she decided. That’s what made her yearn for Jamie or just simply his presence. She’d spent quite a while wishing she could be with him, thinking she never would. And now that she knew what it was like with him, she wanted it even more.

Claire sent him a quick text to tell him she’d been called into a last minute surgery. They hadn’t had plans to meet, but she still felt she owed him an explanation. Part of her hoped she’d get a text back from him saying he was still up and she should come over. The entire trip back to her home, she kept her phone in her hand just in case. Once she’d showered and thrown herself in bed, she thought maybe it was good that Jamie was a responsible adult who was already in bed. She was exhausted from the days she’d had and sleep was probably the thing she needed more than sex.

The next day seemed to be somewhat slower, thankfully. Claire had woken up to an apologetic text from Jamie telling her that he’d been asleep. She told him of the same conclusions she’d reached the night before. But she still missed him.

Her stomach rumbled, making Claire turn from the nurses’ station for the cafeteria. A lunch break was absolutely what she needed. Claire was halfway to the cafeteria when her phone started ringing in her pocket. Jamie’s face filled her screen, making her smile. “Hi,” she answered immediately.

“Hi. Are ye having a busy day?” he asked.

“Thankfully, it’s a bit slow.”

“So does that mean ye have time for lunch?”

Claire beamed. It was like he read her mind. “I do. Where are you?”

“Our spot,” he said simply. She knew exactly where he was.

“I’ll be right there.”

She pushed open the door to the courtyard and saw Jamie on one of the benches across from her. He was delicately setting out the food he’d brought. Her heart felt full at the sight of him. God, she’d missed him and it had been less than a week. She floated over to where he sat, bending down to kiss him in greeting.

He looked up at her when she pulled back, a broad smile on his face. “Hello there.”

“Hi,” she sighed. She sat down next to him, close enough for their legs to be touching. “I’ve missed you,” she admitted, laying her head on his shoulder. “Is that foolish to say?”

Jamie chuckled. “No. I missed ye as well.”

“So what are we having?” Claire asked with a grin.

“The usual,” Jamie said with a shrug, handing her the sandwich he’d brought her.

“Perfect.” She took a bite of her lunch and sat back, rubbing her hand against his leg. It was a beautiful day. The sun was high in the sky and actually showing itself. The trees in the courtyard were a beautiful shade of green. And Claire sat next to Jamie. She couldn’t think of a way to improve it. “Have you been as busy as I have?” Claire asked, breaking the silence.

“No, not really,” Jamie replied airily, looking down at her. Claire’s face fell as she started to feel guilty for being the reason that they hadn’t seen each other. “I mean, yes!” Jamie suddenly cried, changing his statement. He grinned. “I’ve basically been sleeping in my office.”

“Oh good, I’m glad both of us have been busy,” Claire laughed.

Jamie settled closer to her, putting his arm around her shoulders. “Aye.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “It’s really the calm before the storm just now. Colum is coming down at the beginning of September.”

Claire looked back at him. “I thought you said he didn’t travel.”

“I did. He only comes but once a year. Part of me wonders if he really trusts Dougal’s words from his more frequent visits.”

“Ooh, do you think there’s discord among them?” Claire wondered.

Jamie shrugged. “I dinna ken. I just dinna want to get caught up in it. I’d much rather keep my head down and be able to meet ye after work.”

Claire smiled. “Seems like the much safer option.” She ate more of her sandwich before looking back at him. “Do you ever go to Scotland for work?”

“Why, are ye already wanting to go back?” Jamie teased.

Claire laughed before leaning in and kissing him quickly. “I’m certainly not against the idea. But I was just curious.”

“I’ve only been up once for work purposes and it was when they made me head of my department,” Jamie explained. “They had some big ceremony for people assuming new positions. It was a bit too much. I didna care for it owermuch.” Jamie sighed. “My job is just so much simpler when my uncles are up in Scotland. People tend to forget I’m their nephew when they havena been around in awhile.” He took a messy bite of his sandwich one handedly. “So how has work been? Have you had your hands up anyone’s butts this week?”

Claire stared at him in a mixture of revulsion and amusement. “Thankfully, no,” she replied, smacking him on the chest. “What sort of question is that?” He just laughed in reply. “It really has been quite busy. I haven’t even seen Geillis this week. Which is honestly for the best.”

“Why?”

Claire rolled her eyes. “Because she’ll grill me about the weekend we had away.”

She felt Jamie tense next to her. “Why would that be a bad thing?”

Claire squeezed her hand where it rested on his leg. “I’m not ashamed of us,” she clarified. “I just...this is the first time we’ve been together since we got back. I don’t want Geillis’s and from there Louise’s opinions on things before I even got to see you again myself.”

“You think they wouldna approve?” Jamie asked, his eyebrows raised.

Claire shook her head. “No, of course they will. They’ve been pushing me at you since the night we met again at the bar. I don’t know. I just...liked the privacy, I suppose.” She looked over at Jamie, afraid of his reaction. “Have you told the guys?” Before Jamie could open his mouth to reply, she continued. “Are you mad at me?”

Jamie breathed out a laugh. “No, I’m no’ mad at ye, Sassenach. I didna mention it to the lads. I suppose I was like you and preferred the privacy for a bit.”

Claire heaved a sigh of relief. “Good. I’m glad we’re on the same page. This bubble is too nice to break,” she mused, leaning her head against his shoulder.

“Will ye have to work this weekend?” Jamie asked.

Claire whimpered slightly. “Yes.” She picked her head up and looked at him. “But it won’t be as long of days as I’ve been working this week. And today I’m due to get off at a normal time!”

Jamie smiled and leaned in to kiss her. “Good, dinna make any plans.”

“What if I was going to make plans with you?” she asked between kisses.

“That’s allowed then.”

They ate the rest of their lunches with a quiet excitement brewing between them. Knowing Claire would get to go home to Jamie made her ready to take on the rest of the day. She was standing, filling out a chart when her supervisor walked over to her. “Beauchamp,” he greeted without preamble, “you’ve worked a lot this week.”

Claire looked over, confusion written on her face. “Yes.”

“You’ve been here late every day this week,” he said looking at something on his tablet.

“Well yeah. But I was gone last weekend.”

He shook his head. “Go home.”

“What?” Claire asked, still confused.

“That was a different period so it doesn’t matter. But you’re on call this weekend, correct?” Claire nodded. “Do you have any surgeries planned for today?” Claire shook her head. “Go home.”

“Is this a money thing?” Claire asked flatly. Her superior grimaced before meeting her eye.

“It comes from the chief. They’re trying to cut back in places,” he explained.

Claire rolled her eyes. “Let’s hope these cutbacks don’t affect patient care.”

Her boss eyed her skeptically. “Are you saying you wouldn’t mind an afternoon off?”

“Fine,” she sighed. “You’ve got me. Am I still on call this weekend?”

“Yep,” he said, turning to walk away from her.

As she left the hospital, Claire wondered what she was going to do with the newfound free time in her day. Her mind was still mulling the possibilities when she walked by a storefront that piqued her interest. A smile grew wide on her face as she realized her new plan for the day.

In three hours, Claire had made a fresh batch of her mom’s chocolate chip cookies, had attempted to cook, burned it, and run back out to buy a simpler meal to heat up in the oven. Jamie had texted her when he was getting ready to leave his office. She told him she’d meet him at his place. Unbeknownst to him, she was already waiting at his home, on his bed, in the brand new lingerie she’d purchased on her way home from the hospital.

Claire was trying to decide what pose she was going to use to display her new attire when she heard the door open. She laid down on her side, propping her head up with her elbow. “Come on back,” she called. Footsteps, seemingly hesitant at first, made their way back to his bedroom.

“Claire?” John nearly screamed at the sight of her.

“John?” Claire cried in shock, trying desperately to cover herself with Jamie’s quilt. Once she felt covered enough, she stood up and stared at John. “What the hell are you doing here? Where’s Jamie?”

“My computer died and Jamie told me I could drop by and pick up his so I can complete a project this weekend,” John explained in a faint tone. He watched Claire in confusion. It was obvious he noticed her hair was tamed and her makeup was fresh. “Better question is what are you doing here?” he pointed out. His eyes grew wide. “Is this a move? Are you trying to seduce Jamie?”

Claire rolled her eyes. “No! That’s not what this is.”

“Then what is it?”

Claire opened her mouth to answer when the sound of the door opening again got both of their attentions. John got an excited look on his face. Claire tried to stop him from moving but tripped on the quilt wrapped around her.

“Hey Jamie,” John greeted in a weird tone. Claire could hear him as she threw the quilt back on the bed. She grabbed Jamie’s robe and wrapped herself in that instead.

“John, ye’re already here?” Jamie asked. She could hear him put his keys down in the bowl by the door.

“Yep, used the spare key. I figured out where you hid it,” John explained. “So, I have to ask. Are you sleeping with Claire?”

Claire peeked out of the doorway, wondering how Jamie would respond. His eyebrows shot up as he looked back at John. “Why would ye ask that?”

John cleared his throat. “Why don’t you come on out here?” he asked, not looking away from Jamie. Jamie looked confused but Claire knew he was speaking to her. She pulled the robe tighter around her and walked out, her face hot with the shame of being caught. This was not how she wanted to reveal her purchases of the day to Jamie.

“Hi,” Claire said flatly.

John scoffed. “Well what’s with the robe? He’s not going to know what I’m talking about with that.” He looked back at Jamie. “I came in and found Claire in a rather compromising position.”

Claire couldn’t help but roll her eyes. He was being too dramatic. Jamie looked over at her, his eyes going up and down her body. “Christ, were ye naked?”

“No,” Claire insisted. She looked over at John warily before she started to untie the robe. Opening it quickly, she gave Jamie a short view of what she was wearing. His eyes widened and he looked back at her appreciatively before Claire closed the robe again.

John called them to attention again. “So I’m going to ask again. Are you sleeping with Claire?”

“No,” Jamie said quickly. Claire wondered how she was going to explain her appearance there if Jamie was going to lie. “We’re dating,” he corrected. “Saying we’re just sleeping together sounds like it’s just physical.” Claire couldn’t help but smile at him.

John gaped at the two of them. “What?” He broke out in a huge smile. “You mean you two finally figured it out? I don’t have to keep playing you like fiddles anymore?”

“Wait, wait, wait.”

“What?”

John shrugged. “Please, you both told me enough to put the pieces together. I mean, Claire, you straight up told me you had feelings for Jamie.” Claire opened her mouth to defend herself but John kept going. “And Jamie you practically did. Your lack of a response was answer enough that time I grilled you about your feelings for her.”

“Wait a minute,” Claire interrupted. “Was this after I explicitly told you not to tell Jamie I felt anything. That if anyone was going to tell him, it would be me?”

“Yes, but I didn’t tell him. I just tried to gently nudge him toward the obvious truth,” John defended. “And if I hadn’t nudged both of you, Claire wouldn’t be barely dressed right now.” Claire scoffed. “Wait, had this already happened when you went to Scotland?”

“No,” Jamie replied.

“Had it happened when I called and talked to you?” John asked, turning to Claire.

“No,” she answered.

“But it happened in Scotland?”

“Are ye being a pervert? Why do ye need to ken every detail?” Jamie jumped in.

John held his hands up defensively. “Hey, it’s not every day you get two of your best friends together. I can’t help but want to know.”

“As touched as I am that you’re calling us your two best friends, I feel the need to reiterate that you didn’t get us together,” Claire retorted.

“Whatever,” John said, walking over and sitting down on the couch. “So tell me everything.”

Neither of the other two made a move to join him. “Just get my computer and go,” Jamie said bluntly.

John walked over and grabbed the computer from the small desk. He walked back over and stood in front of the couple. “Is this,” he said, moving a finger between the two of them, “going to affect our deal that we’ve had for much longer than you’ve been dating Claire?”

“No,” Claire answered for Jamie. She looked at both men. “I promise you, it won’t. We’ll figure it out.”

John nodded appreciatively. “Thank you, Claire. That means a lot.”

“Yeah, but right now you need to go,” Claire replied, pointing at the door.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said as he walked toward the door. “Wait.” He stopped and turned back to them. “Does everyone else know?”

“No,” Jamie responded. “And we’d appreciate if ye didna tell them just yet.”

John’s eyes grew wide as he started to smile. A hand came to rest over his heart. “So I’m the first one you told?”

“Don’t act like it’s some special title you’ve earned. You only know because you walked in on me,” Claire reminded him.

John feigned hurt and dropped his head. “Fair enough. I suppose I’ll have to start knocking now.”

“Yes, please do,” Jamie said, walking toward the door to see John out.

John walked out and turned around before the door closed. He smiled at the two of them. “Hey, I’m happy for you guys.”

Jamie looked back at Claire and they shared a smile. “Thanks, John,” he said. “Now go.” He closed the door swiftly behind him.

Claire collapsed on the couch, laughing as she covered her face with her hands. “Oh my God. That was not how I pictured this evening going.”

Jamie laughed as he sat down next to her. “I can imagine so. But it’s the two of us now so I think ye should take off the robe and allow me a better view.” Claire stood up and reached for the knot in the robe before a beep from the kitchen drew her attention. Jamie groaned as she stopped untying. “What is that?”

“I made dinner,” she chirped. “I guess this will have to wait.” She leaned down and teased him with a kiss. Jamie grabbed her arm as she started to walk toward the kitchen and pulled her down onto his lap. He reached his hand up into her hair and brought her lips to his, bringing her in for a long kiss. She ran her fingers through his hair as she responded with equal fervor. The continued beeping from the kitchen finally drew her back.

“I’ll be right back,” she promised as she ran over toward the oven. “I already burnt one dinner tonight. Better not make it two.”

Jamie stood up and walked over to her. She set the pan down on the counter and turned to him. “We’ll have to let that cool, aye?”

Claire grinned. “Aye.”

Jamie closed the distance between them, holding her face in his hands and kissing her deeply. Her back was pressed against the counter as he crowded her space. She wrapped her arms around his waist, melting into him. A moan escaped her lips as he picked her up and sat her on the counter. They kept kissing, not moving further. She pulled him closer to her as she wrapped her legs around him. His hands drifted down her back, stopping when he reached her bum. He was the only man she’d ever been with that appreciated her arse. That thought made her giggle, shaking him from their kiss.

“Something funny?”

Claire grinned, running a hand through his hair. “No. You just seem to like my arse is all.”

Jamie squeezed his hands where they still held onto it. “What’s not to like?” he said with a smirk.

Claire laughed again, shaking her head at him. She jumped down from the counter and pulled him in for a hug. He wrapped his arms around her and placed a kiss in her hair. “Let’s eat dinner, shall we?” Jamie nodded, though he had a funny look on his face. “What?” she asked.

“Nothing. I just didna think dinner is where that would be going,” he teased.

Claire shrugged. “Well you know you have to have dinner before you can have dessert,” she replied with a wink, her hand resting on the knot of the robe.

“You mean the cookies?” he asked, pointing at the plate on the counter. He grinned before he picked one up and took a bite. Jamie closed his eyes and groaned loudly as he ate the cookie. Claire knew exactly what he was doing. “Ah dhia, Claire,” he moaned. She rolled her eyes to herself, picking up a dish towel to throw at him. It caught him perfectly right in the face. He jumped and opened his eyes, laughing at her annoyed face.

“Bit dramatic, don’t you think?” she asked, turning to serve their dinner.

Jamie laughed as he walked up behind her. He wrapped his arms around her. “Perhaps, but they’re very good cookies.”

Claire shook her head before turning to give him a quick kiss. “You just wait,” she murmured to herself.

Despite what they both knew was coming after dinner, they took their time eating. It was nice to just have a meal together at home. Claire couldn’t help but feel like they were further into their relationship than five days. But that must be a side effect of falling for your best friend. She smiled as he talked about the rest of his day, enjoying the easiness of it all. Her hand was resting on the table as she ate. She couldn’t help but be charmed by Jamie reaching out to hold it without comment.

Jamie was finishing up washing the last couple of dishes when Claire disappeared from the kitchen. “Hey, Jamie,” she called from deeper in the flat. She was standing in front of his bed, twirling the tie from the robe as he walked back in. His eyes instantly zeroed in on her. She grinned smugly to herself. With an air of drama, she dropped the robe to the floor. The small gasp from Jamie as he finally took in her attire was enough payoff for spending the evening in a robe. He walked closer to her slowly, his eyes devouring every inch of her. His fingers reached out to touch the red, lacy fabric.

“Did this set ye back much?” he asked in a husky voice.

“What? Are you trying to get onto me for my spending or something?”

Jamie’s darkened eyes met hers as he stared at her. “No, I was more asking if I’ll get in trouble for leaving it in shreds on the floor.”

Claire’s mouth went dry as she stared at his open desire of her. She pulled him in for a hard, quick kiss. “Do what you must,” she breathed.

Jamie brought her back to him, kissing her deeply as he ran his hands over her body possessively. He pulled the straps down her shoulders. There was a hurry to get her out of it. While he attended to her, she yanked at his shirt, losing a couple of buttons in the process. “I’ll sew those back on for you later,” she promised in a whisper against his lips.

“I dinna care,” he panted back. He pulled back as he lifted the garment off and over her head. His mouth immediately went to her chest and she moaned in reply.

“Jamie, you are wearing far too much,” Claire whined. She fiddled with his belt before pulling his pants and boxers down at the same time. Her hands were roving across his body as his mouth was roving across her body. She pulled his head back up, meeting him for another heated kiss. His arms clamped around her, pressing their naked bodies together. They fell back onto the bed, moving toward the top. It wasn’t much longer till they were joined and moving together.

When they were both spent, Claire laid next to Jamie, her arm draped across his torso. He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “I’m really glad I got off work early and got to do some shopping,” she quipped breathlessly.

Jamie laughed. He turned over and looked at her. “Believe me, that would have happened even if ye’d been in yer dirty scrubs.”

Claire returned his laugh, leaning up to kiss him. “Thank you for lowering the standard very early in our relationship,” she joked. “That really takes a load off.”

Jamie wrapped an arm under her shoulders and brought her closer to him. “I believe that red number is still in one piece,” he whispered in her ear.

“If you’re a good lad, you’ll get to see it again,” she retorted, patting him on the cheek.

The weekend she was on call was a slow one. She wanted nothing more than to slip away from the hospital and into Jamie’s flat. Claire was sitting at the nurses’ station, her chin on her hands, bored out of her mind. There were no surgeries that had come in from the A&E. It was an incredibly slow day. She couldn’t fight yawning loudly, shaking her head. Her mind strayed to the reason she was so tired. Staying over at Jamie’s had led to a late night. Yet again, she wished she could ditch the hospital and go find Jamie. Or a bed. Or both.

Her eyes drifted closed as she continued to sit at the desk. “Tired?” a voice asked.

She opened her eyes to see Jamie grinning at her, holding a rather large coffee in his hand. Claire sighed, immediately reaching for the cup. “You are truly an angel,” she said, taking a drink. “I’ve been exhausted all day,” she yawned.

A smug look crossed Jamie’s face as he bent down to her level. “Aye, I figured I owed ye coffee if I was the reason ye’re so tired.”

Claire laughed and stood up to kiss him quickly. “Your logic is sound.” She watched him as she drank more coffee. “So where are you headed?”

“I was thinking I’d go for a run.”

“God, even that sounds more exciting,” Claire bemoaned, flashing a look around the deserted floor.

“Aye, seems a bit slow. Or is that something I shouldna say for fear of jinxing it?” Jamie asked with a grin.

“I don’t even care. I’m so bored. I could be just as bored at home and not have to be here.”

“I’d like to think if ye were at home, I could be around, making sure ye were far from bored,” Jamie replied, quirking up one eyebrow.

Claire was about reply when one of the nurses beat her to it. “Oh my God,” the woman said in disgust, staring at the two of them.

Claire covered her face as she flushed. She sputtered out a laugh. “I’m sorry. We’re being crude. Excuse us, Grace,” Claire said, still shame-faced. She walked out from behind the desk and took Jamie’s arm. “Let me walk you to your car.”

They were far enough from the nurses’ station when the both of them burst out laughing. “Perhaps we arena ready to be around other people yet,” Jamie said through his laughter.

“Oh my God, I’m going to have to go to a different nurses’ station now,” Claire realized. “I can’t show my face there for a while. Maybe the third floor will accept me.” They kept laughing on their way to his car.

He stopped just next to his door. “Thank ye for walking me to my car.”

“Thank you for the coffee,” she said holding up the cup. Claire groaned in annoyance. “I’ll see you later,” she whined.

Jamie grinned. “I look forward to it.” He reached up to cup her face in his hands. Leaning down, he met her for a sweet kiss. “See you soon, Sassenach,” he whispered against her lips.

She leaned up on her toes and kissed him one more time before she stepped back to let him get in his car. As she walked back into the hospital, she was already happily replaying their last encounter in her head.

A few months ago, Claire would have been irritated by the hospital cutting back on hours. But as it was a Wednesday night and rather than staying late at the hospital, she was sitting on Jamie’s lap on her couch, her tongue deep in his mouth, she was fine with it. Her hands rested at the base of his neck. Jamie’s hands were on her hips, keeping her on top of him. She rolled her hips against him as she tilted her head, deciding to focus her attention on his neck. A trail of kisses lined his neck before Claire licked a stripe back up to his ear. Taking his earlobe in her mouth, she scraped it with her teeth. In the back of her mind, she noted that one of his hands left her body.

“Oh, Angus wants to get together this weekend,” Jamie commented.

Claire felt his the vibration of his voice where her hand rested on his neck. She pulled back, looking at him, scandalized. “I’m sorry, are you on your phone?” He looked up guiltily and met her glare.

“No,” he said, trying to hide it.

Claire gaped at him, a bit offended. “Wow, I’m sorry that I wasn’t entertaining enough,” she huffed, rolling off his and laying on the couch next to him.

Jamie reached for her. “No, no, no, that wasna it! Come back.”

She narrowed her eyes and shook her head at him. “Gee, I wonder if there is a study out there that shows a decrease in babies being born since the birth of the phone.”

Jamie started to sputter before he closed his mouth. He looked amused. “Is that what ye were trying to do? Make a baby?” He knew he’d caught her off guard.

A small gasp escaped her mouth. “No, what? Why would you say that? This has really changed the dynamic in the room.” She laid her head back on the couch and groaned.

Jamie reached out and grabbed her foot, pulling her legs across his lap. “There was something that happened at work today so I was curious to see if that was why my phone vibrated. I’m sorry for looking at my phone.”

She opened her eyes and looked up at him, an unimpressed expression on her face. “Yeah whatever. Perhaps one day, years from now, my ego will recover.”

Jamie sighed, running a hand along her leg. “I promise ye, I was enjoying it. Immensely. Ye could resume yer activities and I’d prove it to ye.”

Claire shook her head at him, a reluctant grin on her face. “What did Angus say?”

Jamie pulled his phone back out again and looked at it. “He said this week has been hell even if it’s only Wednesday and he needs to get drinks. Who’s in?” He looked over at Claire and held his phone up as proof. “Willie just said he’s in.” Jamie fiddled with one of Claire’s toes. “So should we go?”

“Don’t we usually?”

“Aye, but there wasna the bubble before,” Jamie pointed out. She grinned at his use of her phrase. “Ye seemed unsure of seeing Geillis…”

“It’s not that I don’t want to tell our friends that we’re together. It’s that I don’t want to tell our friends that we’re together. You know?”

Jamie stared at her in confusion. “No, not really. What’s the difference.”

“We’ve been friends for months, years, really, and we’ve spent all this time with our friends. I don’t want this to be like some cheesy high school movie where we have to make some big announcement to our friends that we finally kissed,” Claire said in a mocking tone. “Plus I just know they’ll be really smug about it. If I hear one “it took you long enough” I might slap them.”

Jamie laughed, running a hand along her shin. “I suppose I see yer point there. The odds of at least one of them saying that are quite high.” He looked down at his phone. “Louise is in.” His phone vibrated again. “Oh and now so is Rupert.”

“You do know that this isn’t about us though, right? My hesitation to tell them,” Claire asked, afraid she could be hurting him.

Jamie smiled at her. “I ken. And ye have a point. They’re likely to be annoying.”

“Mmhm,” Claire agreed. “I also can’t shake the fact that the last time I introduced any of them to the person I was dating, they were all incredibly unsupportive and, at times, rude. And yes, I know that you and he are vastly different and that you’re already friends with them. But it’s still just sitting there in the back of my mind.” Jamie nodded halfheartedly. She was sure he didn’t like being compared to Frank already.  “Plus John already knows,” she added.  

“John’s in,” Jamie interrupted after his phone buzzed. She sighed. “And Geillis is in too. It’s down to just us.” He looked over at her expectantly.

“I just don’t know how to tell them,” Claire admitted, staring at Jamie.

“So what if we don’t tell them anything?” Jamie asked, a grin slowly spreading across his face.

Claire lifted her head up to look at him. “What do you mean?”

“Ye were right when ye said they’d be smug. How often have they made wee comments about how close we are,” Jamie started, looking more devious by the second.

“Wait, you got those too?” Claire asked.

“Oh aye. Not only from John. Sometimes Geillis. A couple of times Rupert. Though I’ll admit, Rupert’s asking seemed more innocent than Geillis,” Jamie informed her. “But aye, they never made them in front of us when we were together. Just little side comments.”

“Incredibly annoying, right?”

Jamie laughed. “Aye. It never made me feel better about the things I was keeping to myself.”

Claire nodded as she rolled her eyes. “Sounds about right.”

“So let’s mess with them,” Jamie insisted.

“How?”

“They say we’re so close and now we’re even closer than they ken,” Jamie explained. “So let’s not hide it.”

Claire nodded appreciatively. “I see. Probably would be too much to make out in front of them, but everything else…”

“Still on the table,” Jamie said with a devious grin. “Let’s see how long it takes them to really figure it out.”

“Oh, I love it!”

Jamie unlocked his phone. “So should I say that we’re in?”

“No!” Claire yelled before he could send the text. “Don’t speak for both of us. Then they’ll know we’re together!” Jamie looked at her, clearly confused. “Not, like a couple but they’ll know we’re spending the evening together. And that will make them suspicious.”

“Oh fine,” Jamie replied. “Where even is yer phone?”

“It’s still in my purse on the floor by the door. I didn’t want to be distracted,” she said pointedly as she aimed a light kick at his side.

“Well you can reply and then I can show ye how undistracted I really am,” Jamie said, nudging her legs off his lap. Claire walked over and picked her phone out of her bag. She typed out a quick text and sent the reply to the group. Jamie read her text as she sat down next to him. He looked over at her with a disapproving gaze. “Well then I guess I’m in too?” he quoted her text back to her. She shrugged. “That makes it sound like ye’re only going because I am. That’s going to make them suspect!”

“I meant it more along the lines of since the whole group is in I was too,” she clarified. “Which way do you think they’ll interpret it?”

“I’d say John, Geillis, Louise, and Rupert will interpret it my way. As for Angus and Willie, I’ve no clue,” Jamie offered. He leaned over, crowding her space. “But I’m done caring about them for the evening.” With a grin, Claire laid down on the couch and Jamie was quickly on top of her, his mouth meeting hers.

That Friday, right at the set time, Jamie and Claire were strolling toward the bar where they were set to meet their friends. They were near the door when Jamie pulled Claire’s arm and ducked into an alley next to the bar. “What are you doing?” Claire asked. Without a response, Jamie pulled her against him and kissed her soundly on the lips. Far too quickly for her liking, he pulled back with a small smile.

“Since we said those are off limits for the evening. I felt I needed one more.” Without another word, he walked back toward the street. Claire shook her head with a smile and followed him. They walked into the crowded bar and quickly found Angus and Geillis. “Are ye the only ones here?” Jamie asked.

“So far. Ye ken we willna see Willie till it’s past fashionably late,” Geillis replied. Claire couldn’t help but nod in agreement. She looked between the two of them. “Claire, I’ve barely seen ye. How was yer trip to Scotland?”

Claire marveled at the fact that it took her friend less than a minute to bring it up. “It was good,” she said simply.

“Ye went to Scotland then?” Angus asked.

“Aye, she and Jamie both went a couple of weekends ago,” Geillis informed him. Claire quickly glanced over at Jamie but his face gave nothing away. She hoped her glass face wouldn’t betray her that evening.

“Did ye then? What took ye to Scotland?” Angus pressed, looking at the both of them.

“My family,” Jamie responded.

“Well that’s what got Jamie there,” Geillis cut in. “What took you there, Claire?” The look from her friend was nearly piercing. She was trying so hard to get information out of them.

“A train,” Claire joked. Jamie laughed beside her.

“So what did ye think of Scotland then? Were ye moved by the beautiful place?” Angus asked in a near interrogation.

“You know I’ve been there before, right? I lived there for six years as a child,” Claire reminded him. He stared at her as he tried to rack his brains. “That’s how I knew Jamie,” Claire added.

Angus looked between the two of them, still clearly confused. “Huh.”

Geillis opened her mouth to further question the two of them but thankfully Rupert and Louise walked in. Claire was too quick to greet them and offer them her full attention. A large group was getting up to leave from the booth in the corner. “Jump on that!” Geillis ordered. Louise and Claire quickly ran over toward it as they had the best path.

Hearing her name, Claire turned back to the bar. Jamie motioned to ask her if she wanted a drink. She nodded, knowing she’d be satisfied with whatever he chose. Slowly, the rest of them got their drinks and wandered over to the booth they were claiming. Willie showed up earlier than they all expected. Jamie placed Claire’s drink in front of her before he sat down next to her and placed an arm around her shoulder. She didn’t miss the looks exchanged between Geillis and Louise as she slightly leaned into him.

The last person to show up was John. He wandered over when Jamie was up getting a second round. After greeting everyone, his eyes settled on Claire. “You’re here,” he remarked.

“Of course I am,” Claire replied. “I usually do come out when we all do.”

“Sure, sure,” he said. “I just...didn’t know, you know. Seems like not everyone’s here,” he commented, looking at the table.

“Jamie’s at the bar,” Rupert informed him, pointing to where Jamie stood, noticeable by his height.

John turned to look. He nodded his head as he looked back at Claire. “And have I missed anything?”

Claire shook her head. “Aye, the first round,” Angus told him. “Ye might want to go get yerself a drink so ye can catch up, lad.”

John nodded again, turning off toward the bar. He stopped to speak to Jamie as they met in the middle. Jamie walked back over, placing a drink down in front of Claire. “Here ye are, Beauchamp.”

Claire smiled her thanks. “What the hell?” Louise asked. “Claire hasn’t even finished her first drink yet.”

“Aye but she was low,” Jamie remarked.

“Did you happen to notice I was as well,” Louise pressed, seemingly not wanting Claire to get special favors.

“No, but I did notice yer legs werena broken,” Jamie retorted with a smirk. “Besides, Claire asked.” It was a lie. She hadn’t even finished hers yet, he just went ahead and ordered her another. She didn’t mind, but she was having trouble not laughing at her friends’ faces.

The conversation changed as Rupert began to tell a story from work but Claire couldn’t miss Geillis staring at her and Jamie. When she looked up at her friend, Geillis looked quickly over at Rupert.

The night carried on most of the same way. Jamie and Claire would exchange small touches or held a glance longer than necessary, drawing the attention of their friends. John looked as though he was going to have an aneurysm as he tried to keep their secret. Geillis and Louise looked incredibly skeptical of them, like they were waiting for them to slip up and kiss or something. Rupert too, seemed to be paying more attention to them than usual. As Jamie had predicted, Angus and Willie seemed oblivious.

After a bit, the guys got up to go play darts. The ladies followed and stood at a high table near the dart board. Claire was watching Jamie when Geillis interrupted her thoughts. “What is going on wi’ ye, Claire? I’ve barely seen ye at the hospital since ye came back from Scotland.”

Claire turned her head to look at her friend. “What does that have to do with anything? The hospital is trying to cut back on people putting in more hours. Something about overtime, I think. So I’ve been working a bit less. But it wasn’t my choice.”

“Still, it seems like ye had a romantic weekend away,” Geillis pushed. Claire noticed as Louise glared at Geillis. Geillis saw it too. She shook her head. “I suppose just the idea of the two of ye going away together seemed odd.”

“We went away just as friends,” Claire maintained. It wasn’t a lie. Neither of them had imagined they’d leave Scotland as more than friends.

“Aye, I suppose you’d ken better than us,” Geillis conceded. Claire couldn’t help but wonder what Louise’s glare had meant to Geillis.

Jamie walked over at that moment, reaching over and taking a sip of Claire’s beer. Louise and Geillis stared at him, but Claire was unfazed. “What are you doing, Fraser?” Louise asked. “That was Claire’s.”

“Well aye, but I finished mine,” he replied, aiming for nonchalance. The two women looked at each other and back at him, their skepticism growing.

“Jamie, ye’re up,” Willie called.

Jamie nodded at him and turned to walk back. Claire couldn’t stop the urge that came to mind. She smacked Jamie’s ass as he walked away. Behind her, Louise or Geillis let out a small gasp. Even Jamie turned back, a look of shock and amusement on his face. “Good luck,” Claire joked, smiling as she shrugged. She turned around and saw her friends’ faces. The plan to mess with them was definitely working.

By the end of the night, there had been plenty more touches and comments that made Louise and Geillis raise their eyebrows. A brazen hand in Jamie’s hair had even grabbed Willie’s attention. But all of them stayed silent. The closest Geillis had come to asking her anything outright had been during the darts game. Louise had shut that down for whatever reason. Claire was truly surprised that no one had called them on anything. Not even the ass smack had gotten more than a look.

The group was saying goodbye and parting ways outside the bar. Jamie, a bit loudly, made a comment about walking Claire home since her flat was not too far away. They all parted and Jamie took Claire’s hand in his as they walked from the bar.

“Okay, stop!” Geillis yelled, getting everyone’s attention. Jamie and Claire turned back to see what had riled her up. She looked back at the rest of the group. “I’m sorry. I promised all of ye that I’d keep my questions and comments to myself. Ye said that if Louise and I kept saying things as we had, we’d make them uncomfortable and they’d stop coming out wi’ us. But I canna keep the promise. This is too much,” she insisted, pointing at their joined hands.

“What are you talking about?” Claire asked as they walked back closer.

“The two of ye!” Geillis cried. “All night it was hands all over each other and little comments here and there. And for the sake of the promise I made, I didna call it out. But I canna let this slide. Ye insist ye’re just friends and nothing more, but never in my life have I walked hand in hand down the street wi’ Rupert. Okay, one time as a joke I walked hand in hand wi’ Rupert. Let me rephrase that. Never in my life have I ever walked down the street hand in hand wi’ Angus. Or Willie. Or John. It’s no’ a normal thing that two people who are just friends do!”

She took a deep breath, looking to the others to see if they were upset. They seemed fine with what she was saying. A small nod from Louise urged her to continue. “So I’m sorry, but for the last time, I must ask. What is it between the two of ye? Just tell us, are ye together or no’?”

Jamie quickly squeezed Claire’s hand. “Aye, we are,” he admitted. Claire looked at him, shocked that he’d confessed. He turned to her. “I’m sorry to burst the bubble. I hope yer no’ mad at me. But we didna say we’d lie to them.”

She smiled at him as she ignored the gasps from their friends. “I’m not mad. I promise.” Claire turned back and looked at her friends’ reactions. “He’s right,” she said as she bit her lip.

Geillis screamed and ran over to wrap them both in a hug. “I knew it!” she cried. “It was that arse slap.” Claire laughed and shrugged. Louise was smiling and shaking her head at Claire.

“Wait, so the two of ye are truly a couple?” Willie asked. Jamie and Claire nodded.

“Well when did this happen?” Rupert wondered as he clapped Jamie on the back.

“When we were in Scotland,” Claire informed them all.

“You mean you’ve kept this from us for two weeks?” Louise demanded. “How very rude of you both.”

“It was kind of nice just having it be our little secret,” Claire said, looking up at Jamie.

“A sexy little secret,” Angus added with a grin.

Claire grimaced. “And now it feels gross.”

“Wait, have ye?” Geillis asked. Claire glared at her. Her friends could assume what they wanted but she didn’t want to air the private details of her life for them all. “Just text me later,” Geillis said with a wink. “Or perhaps we should have a ladies’ dinner next week.”  

John sighed from the back of the group. “Well I’m certainly glad you finally told them. It was so hard not spilling the secret.”

All of them turned to look at John. “You knew?” Louise asked, pointing a finger at him. “They told you?” She turned back and glared at the couple.

“Of course they told him. They’re his parents,” Rupert reasoned.

John looked confused. “What do you mean by parents?”

“Nothing, lad,” Jamie quieted him with a wave of his hand. John still seemed confused.

“Anyway,” Claire said, changing the subject. “This has been fun. I’m sure we’ll all see each other again soon.”

“Och, no worries, I’m sure ye’re eager to get home, Claire,” Rupert said with a wink.

“You’re gross,” Claire insisted. Though as she looked at Jamie, she knew Rupert wasn’t wrong. “Anyway, we’ll see you guys later!”

They all said their goodbyes and went in separate directions. Claire wrapped her hand around Jamie’s arm. “Well they all ken the truth and the world didna end.” Claire shot him a look. “They seemed supportive enough.”

“True,” she agreed. “We didn’t even get an “I told you so.” I’m rather shocked.”

“Dinna get yer hopes up. I’m sure that will come later,” Jamie teased.

“Okay, I think it’s time for me to admit that you were right,” Claire said with a sigh as they kept walking. Jamie looked down at her with a curious expression. “It’s nice that they know.” Jamie nodded and kissed the top of her head.

They walked in silence for a bit before a soft chuckle from Jamie turned Claire’s head. “What?” she asked.

He wore a wide grin. “I was just trying to imagine what I would have done if you’d have slapped my arse like that when we were only friends.” Claire couldn’t help but laugh, leaning into him. “I expect I’d have wanted to do the same thing I want to now.”

“Which is?”

Jamie stopped, close to her flat and took her face in his hands. He drew close to her face but didn’t kiss her. “I think ye ken.” Closing the distance between them, he gave her an almost sinful kiss. Breaking away from her quickly with a devious grin, he took off up the stairs to her flat. She chased after him, eager to carry on with whatever he had in mind.

Next chapter

[justheretobreakthings]

Welcome to the Family - Chapter 4

(Previous Chapter) (Next Chapter)

Word Count: 2,898 (Total Word Count: 9,238) Read on AO3

Story Summary: Lance had been excited about his family taking in a foster kid, eager to get to meet his brand new little brother or sister, who would surely adore and idolize their super cool Big Brother Lance. What he got instead was a sullen, quiet, temperamental teenage housemate with a criminal record and a disastrous haircut.

With a shaky breath Keith turned around and leaned his back against the door, listening for Lance’s retreating footsteps and trying to regain his composure. One of his hands brushed against the knob and he debated turning the lock, but ultimately decided against it. Tania hadn’t mentioned whether he was allowed to lock his door, and he didn’t want to get in trouble if it turned out that it wasn’t permitted.

He waited until he was sure Lance was gone before going back to his bag, peering into it to see what had been messed with. He wasn’t sure what Lance’s aim had been, if he were looking to steal or looking for some contraband or something to report him on. Either way, it was incredibly stupid of him to have been commenting on his finds while he was rummaging through the bag.

Keith paused with a frown. That was beyond stupid, actually. Or it would have been if Lance had intended to hide that he was looking through his things. Had he actually thought that it was just an okay thing to do? Was that some personal quirk of Lance’s or would this be the level of privacy he should be expecting at the McClain house? Keith let out a huff of frustration. He hated no-privacy houses.

At least it seemed that Lance hadn’t dug through more than clothes and CDs. The emergency first-aid supplies and food were untouched where they were stuffed at the end of the bag, and his knife was still safely wrapped in socks and tucked into the inner pocket.

He finished unpacking on his own. It didn’t take long; his clothes didn’t even take up a full two drawers of the room’s dresser, and the only personal touches he had brought with him were the plush hippopotamus now resting on top of his pillow, and the little stack of CDs and few paperback books that he set onto the wall-mounted bookshelf over the desk.

Afterward, he collapsed back onto the bed, trying to think of what to do to pass the time next. It wasn’t as if there was much by way of entertainment in this room - probably by design - but he also didn’t want to go back downstairs and interact with the family, not yet. Tania seemed nice enough, or at least was making an effort to be, but she was also kind of exhausting, and Lance was nosy, had kept following them around and staring at Keith and going through his things. He still had yet to get a proper first impression of Rachel, but his hopes weren’t high.

With a sigh, he decided to hibernate in his bedroom for now. He pulled one of his books from the shelf - a weatherbeaten sword-and-sorcery that he had already read a couple dozen times over by this point - and set to reading it again, keeping his ears open for any sounds from the rest of the household. They seemed to be leaving him alone. He wasn’t sure whether Tania had just told them to give him space, or if they were avoiding or ignoring him; he was grateful for the quiet either way.

He had whiled away a couple of hours with his book before he was finally interrupted by a knock at the door. He looked up, letting a few seconds go by before realizing that whoever had knocked was waiting for his go-ahead to enter, so he said, “Come in.”

The door opened and Rachel poked her head into the room. “Hey,” she said. “Veronica just got home and Papá’s a couple minutes away, and dinner’s about ready, so Mamá needs you to come downstairs now, kay?”

“Um, okay,” Keith said, dog-earing his page and setting his book down on the bed before standing up.

Rachel raised a brow and nodded toward the book. “What, you don’t use bookmarks? Just fold the pages up like a heathen?” She clicked her tongue and shook her head. “For shame, Keith.”

Instantly Keith felt his stomach clench as he glanced back to the book. “No - no, it’s - it’s my book, I swear, I didn’t mess up any of your guys’ books, it’s - I mean, the pages aren’t in great shape anyway, and I would use a bookmark if it was someone else’s, I just didn’t think - ”

“Whoa, whoa, hey, easy,” Rachel said, eyes gone wide as she held up her hands placatingly. “Sorry, wasn’t accusing you of anything. Lance dog-ears his books too, I just like getting onto him about it. I say he’s a monster for folding the pages, he replies that I’m just being a snob with my oh-so-fancy bookmarks, and we call each other names until Mamá tells us we’re giving her a migraine. It’s fine, though. Mark your books however you want.”

“...Oh,” said Keith. “Okay.”

“You good to come down to dinner?”

Keith nodded. “Yeah, I’m coming.”

Rachel led the way downstairs, throwing curious glances his way a couple of times as they walked to the dining room. Keith kept his arms folded tightly and his gaze down as he followed her. He had overreacted about the book, started panicking over nothing, and now Rachel was thinking he was weird and confusing and probably overdramatic or something. Just what he needed to make a wonderful first impression.

A paunchbellied man with a scruffy ducktail beard was just entering the front door and he and Rachel landed downstairs, and another new face, a bespectacled young woman, was already in the dining room helping Lance set the table. Veronica, Keith surmised, and he was certain Tania had told him her husband’s name as well, but he couldn’t remember it.

“You must be Keith!” the bearded man said as he shut the door behind him, a beaming smile on his face. “I’m Manuel.” Well, there was that mystery solved. “Sorry I couldn’t come along to pick you up today, got called into work and just couldn’t worm my way out of it.”

“It’s quite all right, cariño,” Tania said as she bustled through the entrance to the kitchen with a pot of rice in her hands. As she set it down on a placemat on the table she added, “I really do wish that you’d talk to your supervisor, though, your hours have been a mess recently. Rachel, dear, could you grab the ropa vieja from the stove?”

“Oh, it’s just for a little while until our staffing issues are dealt with,” Manuel said as Rachel left. He pulled out the chair at the head of the table and plopped himself into it with a grunt. “Don’t want to get into it with scheduling anyhow, seeing as I’ve taken so many personal days as of late. The Guardalavaca trip last month, and we’ve got Veronica’s orientation and move-in coming up - ”

“Which, for the fiftieth time, you don’t have to go to,” Veronica spoke up. She smirked at Keith. “I’m going to college on the other side of town, and Papá acts like it’s the other side of the country. I’m not even officially ‘moving out’, I only have to live in the dorms during the week. I’ll be home on weekends.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t miss you on weekdays,” Manuel said.

Veronica rolled her eyes. “You didn’t do this with Luis or Marco.”

“Oh, I did, you just weren’t paying attention.”

“Veronica is starting her first semester at the Garrison Institute in couple of weeks,” Tania explained to Keith with a proud smile toward Veronica. “Are you very familiar with it?” Keith shook his head and Tania continued, “One of the best research universities out there, and Veronica managed to land herself an absolutely fantastic scholarship package, my little scientist.”

“Mamá, you’re embarrassing me,” Veronica groaned.

“What is it you’re majoring in again, mija?”

“Aeronautics.”

“That’s the one. Thank you, love,” she added to Rachel as the latter set the main course down in the middle of the table. “You can help yourself to as much as you want, Keith, dear.”

“Thank you,” Keith mumbled as he took a seat. The meaty dish that Rachel had set down - the ropa vieja, Keith assumed - was passed his way. It did look and smell appetizing, and Keith was certainly hungry; he’d only eaten a cereal bar for lunch. But he still played it safe, only placing a small scoop onto his plate before passing the dish along to Lance in the seat beside him, who piled a mountain quadruple the size of Keith’s onto his own plate.

“So, enough about me,” Veronica said as she took her own seat. “Looks like you’re going to be my new little brother, huh, Keith?”

Keith lifted one shoulder in a shrug and started picking at his ropa vieja with the tines of his fork. That was the second time he had been called that today, and he honestly wished they would stop. There were always certain foster homes that would do that, foster parents who would call him their ‘son’ and the other kids in the house his ‘brothers’ or ‘sisters’ and tried to act like they were an official ‘family’. It always just made it that much more jarring when they inevitably sent him packing again.

“Well, in that case, I wanna know a little about you,” Veronica said. “Tell me about yourself, Keith.”

“Um,” was all Keith said. He looked down and stuffed a bite of the ropa vieja into his mouth to keep from answering. It tasted pretty good, he decided, but more importantly it gave him an excuse not to talk. What sort of answer was she expecting, anyway? There was nothing to him worth talking about.

“What do you like to do for fun, Keith?” Manuel prompted when the silence had stretched on for several seconds.

“I, uh…” Keith said, trying to come up with something. “I - I read, I guess?”

“Play any sports?” Manuel asked. Keith shook his head. “Any musical instruments?” Another head shake. “Any school activities? Been in any clubs before?” No, and no.

“That’s something we ought to look into for you, right Keith?” said Tania. “Find something fun for you to do in your free time. Altea High’s got a lot of extracurriculars. And you could always tag along with Lance or Rachel to something. They’re both in drama club, and Rachel is in marching band and Lance is on the swim team. Any of those sound like they’d interest you?” When Keith just shrugged, she added, “Well, we can have Mr. Smythe go over the other clubs and such with you on Friday, see if anything sounds fun to you.”

“Mr. who?” Keith asked, frowning.

“The guidance counselor at the school,” Tania answered. “We’re going to meet with him before the school year starts to get your schedule finalized and get you oriented in the school a bit. There’s another get-to-know-you question, Keith! What’s your favorite school subject?”

“Uh, I - I dunno,” Keith answered slowly. “I’m… decent at science?”

“Another one,” Lance groaned. “My whole social circle is just one science geek after another.”

“Lance, don’t make fun,” Manuel scolded. “I think it’s great, we could be looking at another Garrison student in the family in a few years’ time.”

“Mm,” Keith hummed noncommittally. There was no point in even giving that possibility a second thought. He didn’t have the money to afford college, didn’t have the grades to ever go for scholarships, and the odds that he would even still be in this foster home long enough for the McClain’s to have to be concerned about his post-high-school plans were less than zero. But he didn’t bother saying it. They’d figure it out themselves soon enough.

“Come on, Papá, Keith just got here,” Lance said through a mouthful of food. “It’s too early for you to be trying to push him into nerd school.”

“You know, mijo,” Tania said, “If you took your own schoolwork more seriously I bet you’d be in the running for it too. You have the intelligence for it, you really do, if you would just apply yourself - ”

“I’ve already got a future planned out,” Lance interrupted. “Make a name for myself as a contestant on The Bachelorette, use my fame to market a line of luxury hair-care products, retire in Havana at age thirty-two and die peacefully in my hot tub at ninety-six.”

“See, I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not, and that terrifies me.”

“Serious as a stab wound. I dream big, Mamá. And I thought we were interrogating Keith, not me.”

“Huh?” Keith said, brows furrowing.

“We’re not interrogating him, Lance, we’re just getting to know him,” said Manuel. “Come on, Keith, back on that. What sort of foods do you like to eat?”

“Uh, I dunno,” Keith answered. “Anything, really.”

“How about music?” Rachel asked.

“I already said I don’t play anything.”

“I meant listening to,” Rachel said, rolling her eyes.

“Oh,” said Keith. “Um, I - I like - I like rock, I guess.”

“Any favorite movies? TV shows?” asked Veronica.

“Not really…”

“How long you been in foster care?” Lance asked.

Keith bit his lip and looked down at his lap, his grip on his fork tightening as Tania scolded, “Lance, not the time.”

“What?” Lance asked. “It was just a question. To get to know Keith better, you know?”

“I don’t - I’d rather not, um, not talk about - ” Keith stammered.

“That’s all right, Keith, that’s all right,” Tania said hastily. “You don’t need to talk about your… experience if you don’t want to.”

“I was just curious, jeez,” Lance muttered, lifting his fork and stabbing it into his rice. “Didn’t mean to freak anyone out or anything.”

“Let’s just - let’s just try to be sensitive about the situation, okay, Lance?”

Keith kept his eyes on his own plate as they spoke, and he could feel his face reddening all the while. Okay, so, clearly Tania had some knowledge about his past. He didn’t know if she knew the actual and distressingly high number of homes he’d been through, or details of what had happened with them, but she knew enough to know that his time in foster care had not been a happy story. And she had just made the rest of the family fully aware of that as well, and Keith squirmed in his seat as he felt the others’ curious eyes on him.

“Sorry, sorry,” Lance grunted. He took a couple of quiet bites of his food before quietly adding to his mother, “¿Se nos permite preguntar por la cicatriz?”

“No, Lance,” Tania said firmly, shooting him a glare, or at least a close facsimile of one; Tania’s face really was not designed for anger.

Keith glanced between the two of them, confused. “Wait, what did he say?” he asked.

“Nothing, dearie,” Tania sighed.

“But what - ?”

“That’s something we’ll need to do for you now that you’re in the family, isn’t it,” Manuel said. “Help you learn Spanish. Have you got him scheduled for Spanish at the high school, Tania?”

“Not yet, we’ll be going over that with Mr. Smythe,” Tania answered. “Would Spanish class be okay with you, Keith? Altea has a foreign language requirement, but they also teach French, German, Japanese, and Russian, if any of those are - ”

“Nah, um, Spanish is fine,” Keith mumbled. He returned his attention to his plate. Whatever Lance had said, it was obviously not meant for his ears. Fine. He was used to that.

“Are you enjoying your meal, Keith?” Tania asked. Keith nodded wordlessly and continued eating.

The others tried to pick him apart a little more during the rest of the meal, but as Keith just grew quieter, the focus gradually, and thankfully, turned to the others, discussing their lives and back-to-school plans and other miscellany that wound up becoming a buzz in Keith’s ears. The McClains were a very talkative family, and Lance was frankly a louder talker than necessary. It was all starting to grow exhausting and just a little overwhelming.

The strain may have shown on his face, because Tania didn’t push when Keith turned down the offer of second helpings of the food, and when the dinner was finished, she picked his plate up for him. “Don’t worry about dishes or anything tonight,” she said. “Just focus on settling in for now. Tomorrow we can look at fitting you into the family chore chart. Sound good?”

Keith nodded, taking the fact that everyone was getting up from the table as his own invitation to leave. He pushed his chair in with a scrape and headed upstairs, shutting the door to his room behind him and flopping onto the bed, figuring that’s where he’d remain for the rest of the evening.

Things seemed okay so far. Not perfect, but okay. And unless they were putting on a facade for him to start out with - a possibility that he couldn’t outright dismiss no matter how friendly the family may seem - he could deal with the McClains for now. He didn’t know if he’d actually be able to enjoy himself here, or feel comfortable here, but that wasn’t his priority.

He had given up on the possibility of enjoying or being comfortable in any of his homes. As long as he was surviving in it, that was good enough for Keith.

And he was pretty sure he could survive this one.

[jodywegner]

A bad day. (I just need to rant into the abyss of the internet)

I’ve never actually left work early for a bad day before. But I felt that today if I didn’t, I’d end up embarrassing myself and ruining all of my relationships with my coworkers or better yet end up in the HR office. It was just an accumulation of a few too many small things that have been building up for months while I’m emotionally vulnerable.

I also know that none of my coworkers will ever see this post. But even if they do, I doubt they were aware of my feelings. The worst part is that nothing is really anyone’s fault. There’s no bad guy, and that makes it all the more frustrating, and that finally came to a head today. Because I can’t chew people out for doing nothing wrong. Sorry for the long post. Lotta resentments getting bottled up.

So context. 1. My grandfather has been in declining health for a while now. This isn’t very upsetting for me. He’s in his mid 90s and lived a full life. We were all provided for and everything is taken care of. For me, it feels more like a natural thing that is now finally happening. My aunt and my father have been fighting for years over different things, but my grandfather’s declining health has definitely rekindled the flames of war. 2. I work in TV animation production, and my goal is to become a storyboard artist. I’ve made that goal clear. I’ve asked for tests but I can never get any. I’ve asked for feedback and no one has given me any. The shining star of this was my boss giving me 5 long minutes of not quite saying “it’s not good enough.” I figured he was busy and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He did say that if he hadn’t hired our then current revisionist, he’d love to have me start as one. Since then, he’s hired 4 more revisionists who have come and gone for different reasons. 3. I don’t think I draw that fucking bad. I’ve been told my artists I work with “why don’t you have an art job yet?” which the answer is “because no one will fucking give me one when I ask and you guys aren’t in a position to.” (they mean it as a compliment but it just really keeps bringing me down whenever I fail) And there are a lot of people my age getting art jobs while I’m not and yah I’m not that old but it’s very stressful and discouraging regardless of logic and optimism. 4. My intern this last semester showed my boss a sample board and got extensive notes and feedback and was offered freelance revision work even though she’s still a junior in college. She’s 3 years younger than me and was here for 2 months. My boss literally walked into my office then started talking to her in the adjacent cube over the wall about how good she is and the upcoming freelance revisionist work. And I have to sit there quietly and pretend it’s not killing me. 5. I’m lactose intolerant. 6. I guess I’ve been suffering from job related depression for the above reasons. Nothing major, I’m not suicidal, but I’m definitely very unhappy and going to work is definitely not a fun or even neutral experience anymore. It’s hard because the correct answer to my problem is “git gud’ and we all know how NOT FUCKING HELPFUL that is. Today 1. I get a text from my parents at 6 am telling me that my grandfather has passed away. We went over yesterday to say our goodbyes expecting him to pass either today or tomorrow. We left at around 8pm and asked my aunt to call us when he passed and that we’d come over. So my parents find out that he passed away at 6 am today. From a third party that isn’t even FUCKING RELATED TO US. Apparently my grandfather had passed away 10 minutes after we left yesterday, and she decided not to let us know. We had to find out through some other person offering my father his condolences. 2. Well the two coworkers I am closest with were late for miscellaneous reasons so I kinda had to keep #1 bottled up for 2 hours. 3. When things happen, I bluster and storm for the first hour before calming down and becoming rational. So I’m sitting at my desk all morning trying my best to keep my shit together because I’m absolutely fuming and was (forbid) by my mother to retaliate. She’s not wrong but there’s a lotta stress and emotions here. (3.5. Although I was directly forbid retaliation, I still went ahead and planned it anyways because it was a mildly constructive use of my stress. DM me if you want to know how to ruin someone’s entire week and never get caught.) 4. I took some Lactaid 30 minutes before I decided to finish my leftover mac n cheese from the fancy food truck yesterday as breakfast. Yah the Lactaid didn’t work at all for some ungodly reason... It’s 9am and I’m in a lot of pain both physically and emotionally now.... 5. So one of my favored coworkers finally beats traffic and gets in so I go to talk to her about all of this. I immediately get cry-y. Which blah blah blah crying is part of grieving but I can do that later. It’s not great when I’m at work because crying opens up the floodgate of emotions and the near impossible task of re-wrangling them under control is now daunting. Emotional fortitude -50. And people just kinda didn’t notice that I was crying and upset and not very quietly recounting this horrible morning story. They kinda walked right by. Not a single person other than that one coworker (and my other favored one who came in a bit later) offered me any condolences or asked about how I was doing of if I was ok. It’d be one thing if that happened and no one was around and I regained my composure. BUT I DIDN’T. 6. That fucking intern (who’s a nice person but god I wish they’d stop existing in my life. It’s fucking petty but today is really the worst day for it so fuck it I’m saying it.) is coming in for a big storyboard meeting between all the board artists, revisionists, and supervisors. So I had to see her and pretend to smile and be pleasant and supportive while I’m emotionally compromised, grieving, pissed, and now petty and jealous all over again. So I get that out of the way and I sit back down and get to work. 7. The other coworker I like to talk to comes in. She was a former intern who also wants to be a board artist so we try to help each other in our endeavors together. She’s an optimist. She says that she’s going to ask if she can sit in on the meeting and asks if I’d like to come along. Bless her outgoing-ness that I struggle with. But as much as I’d like to... that’s a room full of people who either forgot that I want to be a board artist, don’t care, or are straight up ignoring me about it and keep doing and saying all of these unintentionally hurtful things to and near me. Also that fucking intern is there. Also I’m pissed. Also I’m emotionally distraught. So I declined her offer. Even if I could get something good out of that meeting, I’m pretty sure I would have just had a breakdown in the corner. So I didn’t want to embarrass myself like that or make people feel uncomfortable for doing their normal business. 8. So by this point I’m sure I’m going to be snippy or mean or start crying in front of people, so my goal was to finish my most important task and leave at noon. I finish, I grab my bag to leave. As I do, they all get out of their storyboard meeting and bluster past me because they are now late for seeing the storyboard trainee program final presentations. GREAT. 9. Another production coworker of mine comments on how its important for them to go in case they see anyone they’d like to hire as a revisionist. I fianlly hit FUCKIT and say “IM GOING HOME.” And so I go to walk to the elevators. 10. I chose the wrong time to walk to the elevators because everyone in that meeting is waiting at the elevators to go look at the storyboard trainee presentations and scope out the new talent. They’re in too much of a busy mind to notice that I’m about to cry and am probably glaring with white knuckles as I clutch my bag. Luckily for me the elevator is full and I have an excuse to take the next one and not theirs. A part of me wished that they would say “come on in! i’m sure you can fit!” But... stuff like that never happens with them. No one goes out of their way to include me in things. So... whatever. Maybe I’m just being negative trying to find the bad in every little thing, but this is a rant so I’m going to do just that because fuck the consequences of people liking me and thinking I know how to adult properly. 11. I’m driving home and get a message from my coworker (glanced at a long red dont arrest me pls wait till tomorrow) saying that the intern asked if I had sent her intern evaluation to her school yet. I did. A few weeks ago. This isn’t really a bad thing it’s just that I was finally fucking free and just about to not have any reason to keep it together but then BAM. Intern shows up in my life again. Right after I though it was all over. A little god damn poke. Now So I managed to drive home without crashing into buildings or furiously honking and I am now just holding my cat and typing this. I’m pretty sure none of my coworkers will ever see this. A part of me wishes they would and that maybe they’d care, because I really don’t want to have to start a conversation specifically about all of this with them.    Who the hell starts a conversation with: “By the way boss, can you please stop discussing giving the intern freelance work when I’m within earshot let alone in my god damn 6′x8′ cube?” “Hey boss, remember when I asked you for feedback and got none? Why does the intern get your full attention when you are even busier?” “Hey boss, why have you hired 4 more revisionists when you said that’d you’d love to have me as one? Did you forget? Were you just lying to me because you didn’t know how to give me feedback? Did you even care about what you say to me?” “Hey intern, I understand you are excited and this is a great opportunity for you, but can you please read the room at least a little because I want to cry every single time?” “Hey everyone, I want to be a board artist remember? REMEMBER?” ”Hey everyone... I’m an artist too.” “Hey everyone, can anyone just give me a little help?” ”Hey everyone, if I keep my purse stocked with your allergy medications, pain killers, band aids, digestive relief, girly goods and keep good snacks around and remember your schedules and try to make your jobs easier and serve as your primary IT person...will you remember that I’m here?” “Hey everyone, do you all dislike me or do you all just not care enough to notice me?” They’re all good people, but it’s not stuff that I really know how to say just out of the blue. So today... I just couldn’t stand being even in my own cube anymore. I’m not an outgoing entrepreneurial person who bugs people everyday trying to sell themselves as an artist. I’m someone who tells you my intentions, and asks for help, and then believes people when they tell me sorry they’re busy, that they wish they could help, that they’d love to have me if only not for “x”. No one is entitled to give me a job or help me. But... I don’t get why I’m the only one who gets nothing for a response when I do ask. If they were busy, that’d be fine. But since then things have gotten busier, and my boss personally worked through multiple iterations of my intern’s practice board with her. A good piece of advice I got was that your first 5 tests are awful...but I can’t even get anyone to give me my first one. I’m told to work hard and “git gud”. But it feels like I’m just bashing my head against a brick wall, and no one even acknowledges the effort. It feels like if I decide to stop doing that because I’m about to have a breakdown, I’ll be looked down on as a quitter and not passionate enough. I have passion, but all of this is 100% killing it, and I don’t want to hate art. I really don’t. But I’m starting to. It’s hard for me to enjoy it when now it’s only done to seek attention and approval that I’ll never get from these people. Today would have been difficult still, but not unbearable if not for that. My grandfather’s death isn’t a tragedy for me. He was in pain for a long time and he definitely made the most of his life. The tragedy is that despite all of this, my aunt decided that my family didn’t deserve to know that our grandfather, my father’s father (who lives literally 5 minutes away by car), had passed. I’m definitely not looking forward to the memorial service for my grandfather. Not because the death is hard to deal with but because all of the family there is. Would love to make life terrible for my aunt. Would love to be just as petty. I have so many colorful things to say and do. But ultimately none of that matters. It’s just death. Nothing changes it or adds a new flavor to it. So all of that anger and hurt just kinda snowballed today. And to top it all off as I’m typing this some asshole is beating a dog somewhere in the neighborhood and the dog is screaming and yelping. (called the police so hopefully they find them) Thanks for reading this long negative rant. I hope it helps anyone who is feeling similarly frustrated, because I dont have someone around who’s breaking down quite like I am so this is all I have. Shooting it into the internet in a passive aggressive attempt and chance that maybe someone who needs to read it will. Positive news: I watered my plants with the extra time. I hugged my cat. I will be returning with art for Mermay.

[kelsmister]

Phoenix Fan Fusion 2019 -- Artist Alley Review May 23-26 2019 *Thursday - Sunday* ==Opinions expressed are completely my own, and from my own record. If your experience differed, then good for you. This is how the event unfolded for me. You are more than welcome to write your own review, and even allowed to vend at this event. Keep in mind my opinions are again, of my own accord.== Once again I decided to brave the desert sun and venture out of my comfortable air conditioned room to sell my various wares in the hopes of making a decent buck. After my hard drive crashed two weeks ago I had high hopes this event could at least cover part of those expenses. Oh boy, did this show do a 180 and nose dive into the deep end of the pool without bracing for impact. Where to start? I’ve been doing PCC (as it was formerly known as before the lawsuit involving San Diego vs some weird event in Colorado), for about 6 ish years now. Maybe closer to 10 by now. Point is, I’ve seen this show go from great things to downright lousy. This year was one of the lousier ones. For those who don’t know, or plum forgot, around 2 years back a man brought in real weapons, real bullet proof armor, and had threatened the life of one of the guests at the con. Idiot posted said exploits online where his one and only online chum alerted authorities and he was swiftly apprehended before he could do such vile acts. The next day the con had to crack down hard on security, as the city pressured them to not have one of those ‘mass shootings’ happen in THEIR city. (Hey I don’t want to be shot at either!) The whole scramble to get metal detectors and REAL security personnel (not just teen volunteers) took it’s toll as lines stretched for hours around the buildings in 110+ sweltering heat. Some passed out, others drenched in sweat, it was bad. Many vowed never to return, as last year did show a slight decrease in attendance. However the damage was already done. Last year the increased costs for security left the con with empty wallets and almost zero budget, they fell seriously into the red nearly going bankrupt because of it. So this year they revamped everything by cutting corners wherever they could. First thing- entry points restricted to just 3. I believe the prior year it was 5, so right there it’s not as many personnel you need to hire, or rather pay the company to hire. Secondly, they moved registration back inside the building, so saving on rental tents and such. Third, they really cut corners with the artist alley. They added more artists. Pipe and drape were scraped. Tables were now side by side, no gaps no 2 feet of spacing between you and your neighbors. Now everyone resided in 8 table deep rectangles with taped down walkways behind everyone to ‘allow entry/exit’ for the middle tables with mini pipe and drape at the ends to block out the attendees. Did I mention more artists? Seriously, they squeezed in so many that the aisles did not match up with the vendor aisles. Row 900 was actually row 1000 in artist alley. This confused several attendees walking by who would look up to see a huge banner saying one thing but the ground saying another. Our once nicely printed up table signs, which use to hang off of the pipe and drape backings were now lazily stapled to the front of tables, which fell off rather easily fyi. The rectangle of selling for each cluster of artists left many to just push their now brought from home photo backdrops to the very edge of their space, some not caring at all and just going over these 1.5 feet of ‘walkway’. Many tri-pod legs stuck out, I myself kicked a few out of frustration and even had to yell at a neighbor behind me who somehow thought the double lines were ‘his’ space. Again, no one ever came by and demanded the space be free. If pipe and drape were used instead it wouldn’t have been an issue. But being right up against each neighbor was infuriating to say the least. You couldn’t hang anything on the sides of your display for fear people would think it was your neighbor’s work. Without the pipe and drape the sea of artists looked horrid. Random photo backdrops as far as the eye could see. Some looked good, but others yuck. For those who don’t have backdrops it looked just like a big yard sale. And a lot, and I mean A LOT of tables were left empty. At cons it’s common for a few people not to show up, emergencies happen, but heck even my neighbor didn’t show allowing me to stretch out onto his space (free of charge kind of nice). Besides this they never did closing announcements. You got one at 5 minutes till but nothing else. Not saying every con does this, but at a show this big, and a hall this grand, you have to warn the public. “Hey guys 1 hour until the vendor hall closes!” “Not to alarm you all but the hall closes in 30 minutes!” “Better make those last minute purchases, hall is closing in 10 minutes. Please start making your way to the exit!” Nope, none of this. Also, randomly, on Saturday around noon someone got a hold of the overhead PA system and started blaring music. It was so loud we all were covering our ears. After song number two started to play I rushed over to the exhibit hall manager booth where I kid you not an ARMY of angry vendors were ready to lynch someone. Eventually the music cut off and we all cheered, but never heard how that happened. Maybe a blu-tooth thing?

Security. Oh boy. They had MAJOR problems. This was supposedly the same company hired the prior year, but man they didn’t act like it. Prior year everything ran smoothly, never a problem, but this year it felt like rookies-r-us training camp or something. Day 0 I overheard one of them, as they searched me ask another “Uh.. what do I do again?” Not exactly encouraging to hear. I get not all of them can be trained veterans of this, but most acted like day 1 newbies. Each day their ‘allowed/not allowed’ list changed. Sometimes they allowed bottled water, other days nope toss it. Luckily being a vendor they allowed me all the bottles of soda and water and snacks, but I heard the rumors. Some said they had to toss their sealed Gatorade or sandwiches in bags. And sometimes I was allowed in any entry point, the last two days they forced me to the one furthest away. Again, you guys can’t change the rules EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Pick something stick with it. Heck on one day, I think Friday, I got in the specialty line but the staff pointed me to general and said it “would be quicker”. Ok whatever. So I hoped over, nope. It wasn’t. Guys in front of me reeked of BO, and this was at 9am, and of course had bags in a bag in a bag. So searching took FOREVER. As I’m waiting for my turn a supervisor approaches me and points to the other line saying “Madam vendors are supposed to go through the specialty line-” I cut her off “YES I know, YOUR employee sent me HERE. I’m not hopping lines, I’m staying here. Go yell at her.” She tried to make me go but gave up after a bit.  Never had this problem before. Makes me wonder what this company did to suddenly get a bunch of rookies working for them who haven’t got a clue. OH. With the weird ness too, some days they made me open the money box and shuffle through it, other days nope didn’t care! AGAIN IT WASN’T CONSISTENT. NOT ONE BIT. Bathrooms. Another disgusting beast. This convention center has multiple bathrooms, I’m thankful for that, but the one closest to me oh boy, it was busy almost every hour. It reeked by the end of day one and never lost that lovely wretched odor of feces, urine, and chlorine. Did I forget to mention that cleaning staff, fed up with doing their one job of cleaning, almost went on strike during this? They complained to the con saying the bathrooms were too hard to maintain during this crazy event, and had threatened to just up and close the downstairs restrooms as a consequence. Con luckily put their foot down, but it did explain why at one point I saw the barrier up around the bathroom while the cleaning crew gave me the stank eye as I had to walk further down to whiz. So, the take away, if you didn’t bother to read my lovely little rant. PROS: - 8 foot table - 3 badges per table - Largest show in AZ - Easy to get into (application wise) - Big attendance numbers - Several hotels near by - Easy walk from light-rail (public transit)

CONS: - Table cost over $300 (for inline) - Table cost varying $300-500+ (endcaps higher) - Security and flip flop rules - No ‘cheap’ food alternatives - No food trucks, only con center food court - Strict food ban (cannot bring in whole pizzas) - No free parking - Booth space reduced - Pipe and drape gone (possible cost in future) - TONS more artists now - Guests not best draws - Crowded but not a lot of buyers - Huge homeless problem (it is downtown) - Ticket scalpers, you have been warned - Aisles narrowed - Tables side by side (no exits for some)

[crownedbyluke]

Suits and Leather Jackets (Ch. 1)

Premise: Bryn’s first week at Catch Fire Advertising had been pretty simple, but when the CEO of the company, Luke Hemmings, asks her to dinner, she’s put in a position she’s unsure she wants to be in. With rumors swirling around them and Bryn wanting nothing more than to just be another employee, how long will it take before their bursting into light by each other’s company?

Word Count: 4,300

{Chapter One} {Chapter Two} {Chapter Three} {Chapter Four} {Chapter Five} {Chapter Six} {Chapter Seven} {Chapter Eight} {Chapter Nine} {Chapter Ten} {Chapter Eleven} {Chapter Twelve} {Chapter Thirteen} {Chapter Fourteen} {Chapter Fifteen} {Chapter Sixteen finale}

“You’re Bryn right?” I heard a male voice ask. I looked up to find a man in a suit staring me down. He looked important and that’s when it clicked, my boss.

“Yes sir,” I said quickly, not wanting to make him wait any longer in case he was in a hurry.

“The new intern?” he asked tilting his head to the side in focus.

“Um, I’m the new supervisor actually,” I said. I hoped my voice didn’t sound snarky or like I was talking back.

“Right right. Hazel hired you on to take care of the interns,” he said like it was all coming back to him.

“Correct. Can I help you with anything sir?” I asked, doing my best to not look back at my computer screen, emails constantly popping up.

“Yeah actually you can. I’m Luke,” he said, his name rolling off his tongue like it was supposed to make me swoon at the sound of it.

“Okay. What can I help you with Luke?” I asked, reminding myself not to bite my lip out of nerves. What could he possibly want from me?

“I’m taking you out to dinner tonight at six,” he said confidently, making it a statement and not a question.

“Oh, I-”

“I’ll see you at six,” he said, dropping his left eye into a wink before walking away. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. My boss, the CEO, the head of the entire company, just hit on me and is now taking me to dinner. I looked down, the office attire not being something I would typically wear on a date, but the only option since I wouldn’t be finishing work until five-thirty.

“What was boss man wanting?” Hazel asked walking over to your cubicle.

“Um, he’s taking me to dinner,” I said quietly, not knowing if it was supposed to be a secret or not.

“Wait, the Luke Hemmings, CEO of Catch Fire Advertising, is taking you out to dinner on a date?” she asked, the excitement clear in her voice.

“He didn’t say it was a date,” I said trying to keep my expectations low. I didn’t want to build this up in my head as something so exciting just to have it be a business dinner.

“Honey, he doesn’t go out to dinner with women unless it’s a date,” she said casually. It made me wonder how much she knew about his love life.

“He doesn’t? Not even for like business stuff?” I asked. There had to be another reason for him to be taking me out. He didn’t know me and had only seen me once. It was my first week. I hadn’t seen him mulling about the office until today.

“No. All business stuff happens here. I’ve heard he’s really good in bed though,” she said. My eyes widened.

“Why do you know all this?” I asked, my thoughts starting to move towards him sleeping with any girl in the office.

“His ex spread it all over the place. Tabloids, social media, the office. She was sad about the breakup, but she couldn’t deny how good the sex was,” Hazel said and from her voice, it sounded like she wanted it to be her.

“Gotcha. I’ll make sure I keep things professional then,” I said turning back to my computer, thirteen emails waiting for my response.

“Why would you do that? He’s hot,” she said making me roll my eyes. Was she the ex?

“Because it’s my first week here. I’m not about to make things awkward or jeopardize my job because my boss wants to have dinner,” I said, typing a reply to the one intern asking about spreadsheet approval.

“But he’s hot,” she repeated the fact like it should make me understand.

“And? I’m not here to be eye candy for him. I’m here to do my job,” I said locking my computer and grabbing my phone.

“But-”

“I know he’s hot. Interns need me. See you later,” I said rushing off down the hall. I knew he was hot, that fact was obvious. I hadn’t seen a man look as good in a suit as he did. Not to mention, his golden curls were styled enough that it made them look like he didn’t even try. The confidence he had around him was something I wasn’t expecting, but should have from the CEO of a million dollar company. I was still surprised by his forwardness, but I had to keep in mind that I didn’t want to be one of those girls that was talked about. No matter how attractive he was, I had to keep my head clear of that.

I was just finishing up when I saw Luke walking towards me.

“Bryn, are you ready?” He asked, his eyes taking in my work clothes.

“Um, almost. I just have to email this intern back about some stuff so it’ll be like maybe five more minutes?” I said glancing over at him before looking back at my computer. I had caught the glimpse of what was a leather jacket, the material perfectly fit to his arms and showing off the muscles that had been hidden from me in the suit from earlier.

“Sure. The interns aren’t causing trouble are they?” he asked, a joking tone to his voice that I wasn’t expecting. I was starting to think that Luke would be surprising me in many ways.

“No. They just have a lot of questions that I don’t mind answering,” I said, my lip slipping between my teeth as I read over her email one more time.

“What questions?” he asked. I couldn’t tell if he was genuinely interested or if he wanted to know the thoughts of his employees.

“It’s usually what type of language should I be using in this proposal or does this spreadsheet look satisfactory. I get the basics too though. What projects have deadlines coming up and will you give approval before this gets sent out?” I said, my fingers flying over the keys while I thought of the best way to answer her.

“I’m so lucky I don’t have to do that then. I’d get annoyed,” he said and I could feel his presence in my space. I saw him from my peripheral sitting on the edge of my desk. It shouldn’t have been attractive, but here was Luke, making sitting on a desk hot.

“They’re not bad, just green,” I said sending the email off and shutting my computer down.

“See, I don’t think I could handle green ever again since I’ve been at this for so long,” he said, a slight arrogance to his voice that made me want to remind him that he was once green too. I refrained though and got up from my chair, grabbing my light jacket that I had brought this morning when it had been raining. I looked over at him, taking in the leather jacket in full this time, the slight red of his shirt peeking out from beneath it, his pants hugging his thighs and his black boots making me wonder how tall he was.

“Do you want to change?” he asked, his eyes now taking in my dress pants, button up and blazer.

“Nope. Why? Is the big boss man not pleased with my work attire?” I asked deciding to tease him for it. I never dressed for anyone but myself and I wouldn’t be starting because he was a bigshot.

“Was just wondering. Follow me,” he said standing up, the height difference minimal due to my heels, yet I knew it would be more without them. I followed behind him, not at all surprised when I saw a black SUV with a driver in it waiting for us outside. I stopped myself from rolling my eyes again. I wasn’t completely sure if he was trying to impress me by flaunting his wealth, but if he was, it wasn’t working. I didn’t care if he was rich. I cared more about his brain, the way he thinks, the reasons behind running his company the way he does. Money was the last thing I wanted to talk about tonight. We pulled up to a small restaurant with an outside seating area that seemed to be cozy. I took Luke’s hand when he helped me out of the car and let it go once I was on my feet. I caught the look of frustration from my actions flicker across his face and had to hold back a small smirk.

“Do you want to sit outside?” he asked, his eyes trained on me.

“Sure. It’s nice enough out tonight,” I said before following after him. He pulled my chair out for me and went to sit across from me.

“Mr. Hemmings. Lovely to see you again,” the waitress, her name tag showing off the word Georgia in scrawly handwriting, said giving Luke a big smile. I didn’t miss the way her eyes trailed over him.

“Good evening. What’s the special tonight?” he asked, not caring that she was looking at him in such a lust-filled way.

“The tenderloin steak with a choice of soup or salad,” she said proudly. I could tell that she had a thing for him and his lack of acknowledgement towards it was making me smile. I wondered if this was a typical thing for him, being checked out or hit on by women just to ignore their advances.

“Sounds fantastic. I’ll have a lemonade with that, steak done medium rare please and a salad with ranch. Bryn?” he asked looking up from his menu at me, expecting me to have an answer prepared. I flushed from being caught staring before looking down at my menu.

“I’ll have the chicken wrap with a side of carrots please and a mint water,” I said handing her my menu. I noticed how she grimaced when I spoke, but paid no mind to it. This wasn’t a date for me.

“Why did you want to work for my company?” Luke asked after there was a pause between the two of us. The question took me by surprise, not expecting him to have questions prepared.

“You’re one of the fastest growing companies in Chicago. You make headlines daily about your stock prices and equal pay. It was an easy job to apply for,” I said with a shrug. I had done some research before I had applied for the supervising position on him and the company. There was a smirk on his face at the mention of the headlines. One Google search of his name or the company name and there were millions of hits that popped up, most being news articles about how great the company was doing or how it was the first company in America to have a growing infrastructure that included equal pay for women in same positions as men.

“You knew about the equal pay?” he asked, seemingly surprised.

“Of course. It’s one of the main reasons I applied,” I said meaning it entirely.

“Wow. I hadn’t realized how many people knew about it,” he said, a glimmer evident in his eyes. I couldn’t tell what emotion it was, but I had a feeling it was pride.

“Why did you institute that policy? If you don’t mind my asking,” I asked. In the economy today, I was taken by complete surprise that a male run company would have such a thing.

“My mum used to struggle with it when I was growing up. Besides, most women do a better job than men anyways. I’d rather be running a company that rewarded such efforts than one that was sexist,” he said. A smile came over his face and I couldn’t help but smile back. He was incredibly intelligent, something I wasn’t expecting based off the articles that were written about just him. They never seemed to paint him as quite the visionary that he was on track to become.

“Why did you start your own company?” I asked wanting to turn the tables on him instead of keeping the focus on me. If Luke wanted me to like him, I needed to know more about him before I would be considering this a date of any kind.

“There needed to be someone out there doing business without anything being considered taboo. The market needed a company that would look out for the smaller businesses that were starting to pop up and represent them, their products, and their employees in a good light. It was time someone stepped up and it just happened to be me,” he said, the pride was evident in his tone. I started thinking about Luke in a different way that wasn’t just my boss or the bigshot CEO, but in the way that he was a person too.

“How’s your first week with us been?” he asked becoming the one to turn the tables. I had to admit though, it was only fair that I let him know a little about me after he was so forthcoming with answers to my questions.

“Good. I’m enjoying it. There hasn’t been a single day that felt like it was the same which is nice,” I said before taking a sip of my water.

“Why did you come to Chicago?” he continued. I laughed a little at the memory of moving to the city.

“I moved here with a guy originally. Yes, I know, pathetic, but I was just newly twenty and madly in love. Once we broke up, I moved into my own place, finished school, and just never left. There’s something about it, the vibe, the way that everyone moves here, I don’t know, just something, that I can’t get away from,” I said, the smile tugging at the corners of my mouth one I hadn’t felt come out in a long time.

“Must have been quite the man to get you to move with him,” Luke commented and I saw the jealousy in his eyes right away. It didn’t make sense for him to be jealous in my head though. We had just met today and I had no idea why he would feel that way about a guy I hadn’t thought about in years.

“He was. I had already been going to school here for two years when he asked,” I said deciding I could share this small part of my life with him. I was hoping it wouldn’t lead to something that meant I was another one of his girls.

“What happened between you two then?” he asked, his bottom lip going between his teeth. I had to admit that seeing him do it was a turn on. There wasn’t a man that made me think that before, but here was Luke proving just how hot it could be.

“He cheated on me. We were together for three years and then one day he decided that some sorority girl with fake boobs was more his speed than me,” I said bluntly. I wasn’t going to hide my past from him because there wasn’t a reason to. I was already a fairly open person and even though Luke was my boss, I didn’t feel the need to keep things from him.

“He was clearly stupid then,” he said before smirking at me. The smirk was growing on me and the more we talked, the more I realized just how much I was starting to like him.

Luke paid for our food despite my attempts to pay for myself. I noticed him staring at me as I felt the night coming to an end.

“What?” I asked tilting my head a bit to convey my confusion. A small smile started to come across his lips at my question before he bit his lip again, my eyes instantly being drawn to stare.

“Bryn, do you want to see what a penthouse apartment looks like?” he asked, my eyes still watching his mouth. I felt a shiver go down my spine when his lips formed my name. I tore my eyes away from his mouth to make eye contact with him. His blue eyes had a hint of mischief in them and his pupils were slightly dilated. I couldn’t deny that I did want to see that, but there was still hesitation on my part. I didn’t want to be another conquest, another notch in his belt and I worried that if I went home with him, I would be just that.

“Are you asking me to go home with you Luke?” I asked trying to remain calm, but my heart was racing. The idea of being at Luke’s apartment was very appealing to me and the other ideas swirling through my head were just as equally appealing.

“Just for a bit. I don’t want this night to be over just yet,” he said and there went his lip again. I held back the groan that I wanted to let out. I debated with myself for a moment before making a decision.

“Okay,” I said with the full confidence that I could keep myself under control if he were to pull anything.

“Let’s go then,” he said getting up and offering his arm. I looked over and saw the SUV at the curb like it had been outside the office. I took his arm, feeling the muscle underneath his jacket sleeve for a moment before focusing on walking again. When we entered the elevator of his apartment complex, I could feel the tension between us, both us wanting something from the other but unsure if it was the same thing. I kept glancing over at him while his eyes remained on the floor count going up and up. I took notice of the little scar on his lip, a remnant of something I didn’t know about yet. A piercing? Maybe a fight? I was intrigued all the same and became acutely aware of how attracted I had become to Luke over the course of the time we had spent together. There was something about him that was making me forget about how I was forcing myself to think this was just a business dinner, not a date. The thoughts running through my head all stopped when he looked over at me, his blue eyes meeting my green ones. It was like time had slowed down while we looked at each other. His tongue came out to wipe across his bottom lip and I knew my eyes watched as he did it. The need for having his lips pressed against mine became very evident to me as I watched his teeth take the same lip between them. I started thinking about what it would be like to have his lips on mine, his teeth biting at my own bottom lip, his hands holding me to him and then the elevator doors opened. I looked away from him, snapping out of my thoughts and being brought back into reality. I followed him into his apartment, immediately taking notice of the windows that overlooked the city. I could see Navy Pier’s ferris wheel from his windows, but there was a sneaking thought that was creeping into my brain about what it would feel like to have my skin pressed against the glass.

“Bryn?” I heard him call, taking my eyes away from the view. His leather jacket was gone now showcasing the red button down, half the buttons undone, he was wearing. My bottom lip found its way between my teeth as I stared at him. He was hot by all standards of the word. There was nothing about him that wasn’t attractive in this moment. His hair was falling in his face, rings glinting against the lights above him, chest showing off the small amount of chest hair he had, muscles practically straining against his shirt and his eyes seeing through me completely.

“Sorry, what?” I asked bringing my attention back to his face. The smirk that was on his face gave away that he had caught me checking him out.

“I asked what you were thinking about,” he said calmly. How was he so collected right now? Here I was wanting to pounce on him and he showed no signs of wanting to do the same.

“Oh, um, you have a great view,” I said nodding back towards his windows. He smiled and walked over to me, a hand brushing against my waist as he went to them.

“The ferris wheel is always the best part of the view. The water too,” he said looking back over to me. It was clear to me then just how badly I wanted him in whatever capacity he was willing to give me. Whether it was just sex or an actual relationship, I didn’t care at this point. I wanted, no needed to feel his lips against mine, his skin causing goosebumps against my own, leaving little marks wherever he wanted.

“Yeah, it’s really something,” I said noticing how my breathing had picked up. I needed to leave, to get out of his space before it was too late and I became just another girl on his list, but my feet were planted right where they were with no signs of moving towards the door in sight.

“There’s a better view in the bedroom,” he said, his eyebrows raising at his suggestion. He was causing a battle between my head and my body that I didn’t appreciate at this moment. There had never been a man that caused such torment to run through my head at once. Yet, here was Luke doing such things to me that I didn’t think were possible.

“Um, I, maybe, um,” I stuttered causing him to laugh at my lack of words. He didn’t say anything before he took my hand in his, leading me towards his room. My feet went with him, betraying me in the process and soon I was standing in a giant master bedroom with a view of Chicago that took my breath away. Again, I walked towards the windows, taking in every ounce of the view that I could see, the skyscrapers, the lights, the water, the greenery, all of it was beautiful in a way you couldn’t see from a third floor apartment in the city.

“Holy shit,” I breathed, not caring if Luke heard me swear anymore. I was in awe of the sight before me. I turned my head a little to find Luke watching me from beside his bed. His shirt was completely unbuttoned now, hanging loosely from his shoulders, his abs on full display for me. My breath hitched at the sight of him. He was something I had dreamed about once.

“Bryn, come here,” he said quietly, his voice soft but still commanding. My feet carried me until I was standing in front of him. His hands reached out so they were on my hips, his grip firm, but still giving me enough leeway to get out of it if I wanted to.

“Do you know how beautiful you are?” he asked, his thumbs rubbing against the fabric of my shirt. I blushed and looked away from him, unable to full comprehend that he was the one calling me beautiful.

“Now, now,” he said teasingly, his right hand coming up to tilt my chin back up so I was looking at him.

“I didn’t say you could look away yet,” his voice was full of something I wasn’t sure of. Lust? Intrigue? Desire? I couldn’t place it, but it still caused my body to start heating up.

“Luke, I-”

“Shh beautiful, we don’t need to talk about this just yet,” he whispered, his hand moving to cup my cheek. He was going to kiss me and I wanted him to. My brain came out of the haze it was in at the exact moment he was leaning in. I pulled away, taking a couple steps back. Luke’s eyes flew open in surprise at my actions.

“Was this not what you wanted?” he asked. He still had one hand on my waist, but his other hand that had been cupping my cheek was at his side.

“I won’t be another girl in your list of names,” I said finding my voice again. He blinked a couple times in recognition of what I was saying.

“What makes you think that I have a list?” he asked gently pulling me back into him. I moved away from him completely this time, his hand now back by his side.

“Because I’m sure you go around fucking all the girls you think are hot at the office. Hazel mentioned how good you are in bed. I won’t be one,” I said looking towards the door and making my way for it. I could hear him following after me against the hardwood flooring.

“Bryn, I can promise you that I haven’t done anything with Hazel,” he said watching as I grabbed my purse. I didn’t even remember setting it down. I hit the elevator button and it chimed like it was waiting for me to come back to my senses.

“That’s good to know. I’ll remember that the next time she mentions your sex life to me. Goodnight Luke,” I said, hitting the button for the elevator to close. I watched as he went to stop the doors, but it was too late. The elevator started its descent back down to the ground floor. I leaned against the cool wall, the temperature bringing me back to my full state of mind. I stepped out, finding my way to the train station easily. I couldn’t believe that I almost fell into him so easily, almost let myself feel things for him that I wasn’t supposed to be feeling. He was my boss after all and there was always a rule in my head, no work intermingling of any kind. Luke would just have to accept that fact and the small part of me that was falling into him would have to accept it too.

I got this idea at work the other day and after I told the Youngblood Defense Squad about it, they were all for it. So now, I present it to you. This was different for me seeing as I didn’t run it by my usual beta readers and didn’t even really tell anyone about it. I hope you all enjoy it and I can definitely say there’s more for Bryn and Luke ahead. Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list for more!

my tag babes: @thruheavenandhighwater @sweetcherrycal @bbycal @thebookamongmen @cartiercalum @lurhemmings @a-little-international @lu-fakebetch @tommossoccer @5second-slut @irwinsx

[princettegil]

There's been something I've been meaning to talk about for a while now but it recently came to a head about a week ago and I've came to realize that the medical field is probably one of the most uncaring amd worst places to work for someone with mental illness! You'd think the medical field would understand, right? Nope! Out of all the jobs I've had, none have been this bad at working with me or helping with my issues. I won't go into detail about what happened but I haven't had much in the way of anxiety attacks in the last couple years (cept for a couple incidents.) All in all, I've been doing stunningly better! However, when I have a job I tend to have a lot more anxiety issues (no matter what the job is, it just seems to happen.) So I've had about 3-4 attacks since I started work at the beginning of this year at a hospital (working one of the lowest rungs that still deals with patient care.) But that's to be expected; I figured that would happen since it almost always does, but I was intent on trying to sticking it out this time. Now, I don't like pity - let's just get that clear right now. I don't like pity, I don't like bothering people, I try my best to at least be as good as my peers at my job and I absolutely abhor bothering people with my issues (be that mental illness stuff or standard job difficulties.) Basically, I try to hold my own as best I can and I don't like to mention my mental health issues unless it's clear they're absolutely becoming an problem. Well, first (technically 2nd but the real first was a very small and not full blown attack) anxiety? A nurse happened to be in the room with me and took me to the main office where they let me chill a little and transferred me to work with a less trying patient. That's good! That seems reasonable yeah? Though what they did I agree was a good move, the way the nurse (an RN mind you) acted towards me was... odd. You'd expect a nurse to be well trained with things like anxiety or panic attacks and know both how to help out and seem considerate, right? Well... you'd be very wrong! Though she wasn't mean she didn't seem to understand at all what was happening to me even after I told her I was having an anxiety attack. She clearly didn't know much in the way of how to help me calm down or even deal with me at all working on her floor. But whatever, maybe she was tired? Nurses work their asses off after all! Maybe she just wasn't well trained with anxiety issues? It could happen. I gave her a pass in my mind but noted how it was strange for her to be so seemingly uncomfortable with a simple anxiety attack, especially one of a coworker. My 2nd anxiety attack went mostly unnoticed and I dealt with it the way I normally do. Took a break to go to the bathroom and try to chill out, stayed there a bit longer than my break actually allows but made sure I was okay before going back to the patient's room to continue my shift as normal. At the end though I made sure to inform my supervisor that I could no longer work with said patient because he was behind my prior anxiety attack as well. They didn't really agree but that didn't disagree with me either that they'd make sure I didn't have to work with him again. Then the 3rd anxiety attack. The big one. The awful one. The one that really forced my realization. Like I said, I won't go into detail on what happened. Lots of things happened that night all at once and some caused serious issues but are unrelated to the topic of the hospital's treatment of anxiety attacks. But the stunning thing I did realize was just how non-understanding and non-accomodating my supervisors (years long medical workers, especially in nursing fields) could be. At one of my last jobs, though they ran everyone to the brink of exhaustion and stress (causing many people to quit around the same time, including myself) they at least we're kind when they realized I had anxiety issues. It didn't actually work out the way they promised but they were willing to work with me and make simple accommodations to help me out (like working in the back when the store got really busy.) They were also very understanding and assuring even though I was terrified that they found out. At another job, though I didn't stay long last the first month's training classes, they were also understanding and my trainer took the time to explain how she understood what anxiety was like and gave me plenty of time and space to calm myself down (we got along so well I even friended her on FB after I quit and she's still really nice to me.) Basically, my other jobs were understanding. They didn't pity me (thank gods!) but they were open, supportive, understanding, accomodating and those coworkers who had been through similar really helped commiserate with me which helped me feel more comfortable knowing I wasn't alone. The hospital I work at now? None of the above! They weren't mean mind you, they technically said just enough to make it so that I probably couldn't sue them for treating me differently due to my mental disabilities (I have no intention to) but it really did seem like they wanted to put in the bare minimum of care to make sure that didn't happen. Did they tell me how they understood that anxiety was difficult to deal with? No. Did they try understandingy issues? No. Did they ask or try to accommodate me (like helping me to find a more suitable job there or letting me know I could ask to switch patients if things got hard? No. Did they seem any bit empathetic or even sympathetic? No. They gave me time to calm down (though they seemed pretty ansy for me to hurry up and breath so I could talk or rather, listen to them.) They said they were worried a couple times (while seemingly sounding and looking like they didn't give a single shit and were simply required to say it.) Did they at all mention anxiety is a disability or offer any tips for dealing with it? Nope! Instead they told me, in only slightly prettier words, to suck it up, deal with it on my own, don't cause problems, and that it's only gonna get worse from here. Not exactly kind or what you'd expect from medical personnel huh? In fact, that's my main concern - it was MEDICAL PERSONNEL! I could see this with grocery store staff or call center supervisors and probably write it off as just being ill informed or more caring about the cash and not the employees. But... trained, licensed, careered RNs and nursing staff!?!? Staff that I KNOW have had to deal with and care for mentally ill patients of all sorts? Staff that likely occasionally have to help out in the adjoining psychiatric center!? People whose job is literally to care for other people!? This is what disturbs me! This is what concerns me! If they treat a fellow employee like this then how do they treat the actual patients with problems!? Look, I know nurses don't have it easy! I have both family and friends who are CNAs and RNs and I know some of the shit they go through and how stressful it is. Especially since starting a hospital job and seeing stuff firsthand, I have MAJOR respect for those that can do such jobs! You guys have to have balls of steel! No... platinum! Dear gods the shit you ppl go through! I can easily see why you'd be frustrated especially with a coworker who can't handle the shit you deal with daily! I get it. I can see why you'd snap at patients and even eventually experience burn out and stop giving a shit in general. Hell, I wouldn't blame you one damn bit! But I would hope most of that would be split decisions, heat of the moment type stuff. Not when you've had almost an hour to absorb what's happened and had plenty of time to think through what to do or how to act. If you treat your co-workers like this, how would someone expect you to treat your patients? Not one of the 6 jobs that I've had treated my anxiety issues THIS BADLY! I'm talking data entry places, places with tiny cubicles, telarmarketing places, call centers, grocery stores, RETAIL stores! If nothing else I'd expect at least understanding from medical field workers! My supervisors, even a few of my coworkers - did not only not seem to understand but didn't even care! I was told by one to pretty much man up or quit! And some of these people, I KNOW have either personally dealt with mental health issues themselves or know someone close who has. Even if you know the job is tough, even if you know it may get worse, even if you've personally dealt with worse - you can't even say something as easy as "yeah man, this shits hard, I get it."? If I ever mentioned how hard my night was, my coworkers in the group chat didn't even care enough to respond. I mean, I'm sure you've had hard nights too! Let's talk about it! Let's commiserate and complain together! There's over I of us on this shift and I know you all have gone through shit, let's let off a little steam about it! There's gotta be at least one of you who'd love to rant it out! I find when you complain together about a tough job it makes you feel better knowing there's others in the same situation. Just knowing you're not alone can help a lot! Heck, answering every question you know the answer to with "just call the supervisors" cause you can't take 2 mins to say something like "click the x button on the menu" to help a coworker is a bit extreme isn't it? That last anxiety attack I had suicidal thoughts for a short bit in the midst of the worst part. I asked my supervisors for any advice they might have (hoping they might share some of their 20+ years of health field knowledge) they ignored my question and sent me straight to the ER even though I told them I was fine now. I can see the reaction for legal reasons but they didn't seem worried about me personally but how it may affect my job. They refused to listen to me. I went to the ER. Sat there, had blood work done and answered a few questions about how I was feeling and they let me leave. Why? Because they had determined I was fine and no threat to myself or others, just like I had told my supervisors. They never did give me advice. But they did screenshot my phone to show HR. So no, I don't want pity and I don't want people to get super worried about me but I'm always worrying that I'll be fired because of my anxiety attacks and the least a supervisor or coworker could do is tell me they understand it's tough (the job or the anxiety) or give me helpful tips or listen to me or ask how they could help. But being ignored, told to man up, told to quit, treated like I was just a legal risk and quickly unloading me onto anyone else they could - that's not how you treat someone! Someone with anxiety, depression, mental illness, learning disabilities, young people, old people - ANY PEOPLE! And what's worse is you are MEDICAL STAFF! You should KNOW about this stuff. You should KNOW how to handle it! You should KNOW to at least act like you care! You should KNOW how to comfort or calm someone or make them feel comfortable and not just like a legal risk or a bother that you don't want to deal with! HOW TF DO PATIENTS FEEL ABOUT THIS KIND OF TREATMENT!? My managers are always complaining about inspections and how the hospital is rated by patients and why and how to improve our scores. Well, as someone who's been an employee and now a patient too, lemme tell you your main patient displeasure issue - YOUR ATTITUDE! I thought before that some patients were just asking too much of the staff but now I know that they were right. But it's not about getting your apple juice quicker it's about being treated like you're either just a giant thorn in their side or a pit of money! Maybe next time I won't ignore that survery phone call.

[daydreaminghaven]

I needed a rant

I'm just going to write this down because I don't know how else to deal with this at the moment. My roommate is an asshole, it's gotten to bad that at this point I'm literally on the verge of tears. She is inconsiderate and rude and I don't know what to do. Sometimes my gut just tells me to go fucking punch the shit out of her but I wont because I'm better than that. I know for a fact that she could never beat my ass and it's not like I'm scared of her it's just that I'm scared of losing this home. I don't want to move anymore and if I do result to violence I'll be out and who knows where I'll be next? The last thing I want or need is too be in another fucking group home which will be right where I'm headed if I lose this place. '

And what could make me come to all of this? When I first met my roommate I knew we were not going to become close friends it was like I could see the future. You know when you meet someone and you just feel their negative energy? Well it was like that with her. Nevertheless, being that I just came out of a hellish rehabilitation program it was a miracle that I somehow was given a foster home. Foster homes are very, very rare for someone my age- especially coming from someone who was currently in a rehab. All anyone wants are little kids, and as a matter of fact my foster parent even admits she wasn't going to take me because she herself only wanted young kids. The only reason she took me is because I have an interest in church, quote me.

If I had to go to a group home then so be it, but now that I'm here I don't want to lose what I have. The problem with group homes is that they occupy too many people. Just imagine what its like to be living with 5-9 teenage girls mixed in with 3 or 4 tired, angry under-payed, overworked staff members (that switch out 3 times a day) all under the same roof. It's not pretty. There's ALWAYS fights, there's ALWAYS drama, ALWAYS something weather it be someone running away, two or more girls not getting along or a staff member not doing their job, or overstepping boundaries; there is constant stress. All. The. Time.

For someone who likes solitude, quietness, this kind of environment is- it's just horrible. It's already bad enough but then mix in someone who can't handle that kind of lifestyle and it can worsen their mental health, it can lead to self harm, suicidal ideations or worse. 

Once upon a time I used to be able to handle group homes, I just moved along when the drama happened, it was frustrating definitely (not just for me but for everyone), but it wasn't unbearable. But then I moved... And I moved again. And again. Then I started getting more fed up with it, then I started breaking down more easily, and self harmed, attempted suicide. I started to runaway, and use drugs... And every time I moved the staffs/therapists/supervisors seemed to care less and less and it was so frustrating. There were so many rules but so much unacceptable behavior slipping right under the rug!

And there was pretty much nothing you could do about it.

Then I got put in that rehabilitation and residential program which was some of the worst times in my life. It was like a bad group home to the max. You thought 9 teenage girls was bad? try 18-29. Together, all fucking day. No phones or internet, you had to be cut off- you couldn't even have a diary or pass notes without it needing to be checked everyday. You can bet there was fights and drama all the time, you couldn't leave the campus at all until months after you arrived. Not even mentioning that there was a strict schedule when to, sleep eat, shower, have mandatory groups that everyone hated. The staff in these places was even worse, virtually EVERYONE hated their job, and the staff in programs are allowed to put there hands on you if deemed necessary, and oh-fucking-boy did they. That power was abused way to fucking often but you want to try to run away? Straight to jail for 90 days just to get sent back and have to start all of your progress over from scratch... or possibly get sent to an even longer program.

These programs are technically 6 months but most people end up there for 8 to 9 months. You are given a set of 5 'levels' or 'phases' that you have to complete in order to get discharged from the program. Some kids are lucky and their insurance runs out and their parents can't pay to keep them there. I wasn't that lucky considering my parent is the state of fucking Florida. I'm grateful to be able to have good insurance and all but fucking hell that place was bad. Due to having to move to a switch different program 5 months after I was sent to my first program (over something that wasn't my fault, it had to due with medication issues which is a whole other story), I had to start all of my progress over and start the levels off from scratch. I spent 8 months in my second program making 13 months completely cut off from society (did I mention you weren't even allowed to watch the news?). That’s where I spent Christmas, Halloween, Mothers and Fathers day, even my birthday. I was discharged just two fucking days after my birthday. Just two. Anyways, the point is, I worked really, really hard to prove that I was responsible enough to get a foster home and I did. Even though my roommate is a fucking asswipe dealing with one girl is better than 9. At least I can kind of ignore her. But It's just so hard to act like it's not that bad she’s always

-touching and stealing my belongings -throwing actual garbage with bloody tampons in it over my ART SUPPLIES -always calling me disgusting and dirty when this bitches side of the closet -smells like fish -talking dirty to boys late at night (I don't want to hear about how you want to eat his ass. Stop it. Get some help.) -using my towel that I bathe with to clean the floor with BLEACH FUCKING BLEACH -USING MY LOAFERS AND WASH RAGS -plays loud angry rap music, or movies at full volume all night, usually until 2am, -or really early in the morning to wake me up WHEN SHE OWNS FUCKING HEADPHONES -Talks shit about me to everyone that comes through the door of this house (and loudly)

and I’m over here basically kissing her ass because anything is better than those fucking group homes. And I've tried to ask her to stop, or turn down her music, I've tried confronting her- and peacefully and respectfully but she either ignores me or gets violent. I've tried tried telling the foster parent, my therapist and no one is doing anything. I'm backed up into a corner. Like I said before, I'm not scared for my life, this bitch is like 5'3 (no offense to short people) but like I could kick her punk ass any day- and I would if I number 1.) wasn't trying to better myself and number 2.) cared about this home so fucking much. I just don't know what to do except pray and try to focus on other things. I wish I could just sleep in the living room. I keep breaking my headphones because I have to sleep with rain noises or something to drown out whatever she decides to play. Can you believe she has the audacity to wake me up just tell me to turn down my headphones when she tries to sleep? Like they aren’t even big headphones they are 6 dollar earbuds how loud can they be?! I do every single time though because I'm trying to 'stay blameless in Gods eyes' because I believe in karma and also if I didn't she would probably do something really petty like purposefully play loud music to wake me up even earlier or play it all night so I can't sleep. 

It really sucks. I have to live with this person for 110 more days (and, yes, I have it marked on my calendar) but one day she'll be gone and I wont have to deal (or smell) this person again. So hopefully I'll have some more learned patience by then. 

The whole reason for me even righting this is because yesterday she asked me to turn the light off in our room when I'm not using it (which is understandable, except you're never home anyways nor do you pay the bills) and of course when she came home the next day I made sure the light was off (did I mention the reason I'm not in the room when she comes home is because I avoid being in there when she is? My foster parent apparently thought that was important enough to report to my therapist like I have problems-But when I tell you whats actually going on you don't do anything about it so like...). Then today when came home I asked her to close the door when she goes in the room, while she was going to the room (because I can still hear whatever she plays from the living room). Guess what? She looked right at me, then walked to the room which is right across the living room and left the door wide open ON PURPOSE. Later on she said that basically it's not her job and that if I want it closed then I need to walk over and close it every time she leaves it open. It pissed me off so much that I just needed to write my feelings out because there isn't anything else I can do about it. Maybe when I'm older I'll look back on this and think 'wow look how strong you are now' and hopefully by then I'll be in a position where if someone is being an outright dick I can punch the shit out of them on the spot- I mean deal with them professionally.

just 110 more days Jasmine, you can do it. Do it for yourself girl do it for your boo thang