#and my only social interactions bc all my friends that live near me have full time jobs and are never free

[eggmeralda]

thumbnail that says "staying in my band until I feel appreciated" and the video is 3 years long

[writing-wrxngs]

Character Guide!

(Just a little guide to how I personally depict the characters I write about and their roles in my stories.)

Philza

The father of Techno, Wilbur and Tommy. I know a lot of people make Phil just a much older brother, but the Dadza content is just too much for me to ignore

He’s always tried his best for his sons. He’s a good father who tries to balance his sons desires with what’s best for them. His boys mean the world to him.

As a father, he’s firm but never strict. He wants the boys to be their own people, but knows he needs to teach them lessons and give them structure to do so.

He is NOT impartial when the boys fight. He will decide who is in the wrong and give them a lecture. If all parties are in the wrong, everyone is getting sat down and talked to. For some reason this does not deter them from fighting.

He loves seeing the boys flourish. He enjoys being wanted and parenting his sons, but seeing them become independent men is amazing to him. The day that he feels all of his sons are completely self sufficient will be the best day of his life.

His wings are just prt of him. Why he has wings isn’t fully known, he’s just a human with wings. I just like that he has wings. Whether he can fly or not is unknown.

Technoblade

Age has been tweaked to be a year older that Wilbur, give or take. He might be even less than a year older than Wilbur, but he’s older. I chose this for him simply bc Wilbur is far too chaotic to be the eldest. The vibes were off.

He’s simultaneously arrogant and awkward. He loves attention (clout) and being the best but cannot do social interaction.

Likes his chaos and anarchy, but has a line. He knows where to stop and knows when to stop his brothers.

Quite responsible. As responsible and willing to care for his brothers, he still does NOT act like a parent to them. He is nowhere near as gentle with them as Phil, and also often gets in over his head with them.

He’s the most skilled fighter around. He is infamously ruthless, and never holds back, even if his opponent is a loved one. Whether it’s swords, bows, or fists, he will come out on top. He’s had this title for quite a while.

I’ve personally interpreted his mc skin as a pig mask that he wears often. When he’s out or when he’s fighting, he wears it over his face. In company of his family, or very close friends, he wears it up on top of his head.

He played violin when he was younger, his lessons starting when he was young, and he still can play, but does not often.

Wilbur

Extreme middle child energy. He’s his own sort of unstoppable chaos. He can equally be the shitty little brother to Techno and the jerk older brother to Tommy. He also desperately craves validation in spite of how much he’s cared for, and would die for praise.

He’s well known for being well spoken and charismatic. He’s charming and always says the right words. He is amicable and gets along with almost anyone.

He’s still terribly insecure, though, and uses this as a front, putting up walls that sometimes fall if someone, usually his family strike the right place. On the opposite side of the same coin, he still has a big ego at times.

As mean or abrasive as he can be at times, he still genuinely cares about the people he loves. Even as skewed as his morals get at times, he still can be humbled at times and be his true self if something cracks him.

He is also a musician, since he plays guitar and sings, however he also writes songs and places this above performing. Being able to create as compared to Tecnho who simply plays is something he’s very prideful of. Still, writing does stress him at times, especially if he has writer block.

Pogtopia Wilbur is a man who’s lost everything. He’s grasping at straws and no longer cares about who he hurts in achieving his goals, his narcissism shining full through. He’s extremely far gone, but is not yet lost.

Side note, to differentiate between his character and irl, I use Wil for in character and Will for irl.

Tommy

Chaotic youngest sibling to the max. Every day he wakes up and chooses to be a problem. Is a bother, and loves it. Can be overly blunt sometimes and often says the wrong thing or doesn’t read the room properly. His energy never matches the others.

He’s considered the funny one of the family, but slightly dislikes this moniker as he feels like it’s far too one dimensional compared to Wil’s charisma and Techno’s violence. He wants to set himself apart but hasn’t found it yet.

Really wants to be on the same level of his brothers. There’s a significant age gap and Tommy is still just 16, but he’s already chomping at the bit to be independent.

Is fiercely loyal to his family, but especially Wilbur. When they were younger, Tommy was practically Wilbur’s shadow, and honestly, he still idolizes Wil a bit.

Tommy knows how to cut through bullshit like a champ. He is especially good at breaking down Wilbur’s walls and bring him back down to earth when he’s inflated.

Also Tommy is absolutely the main character of the DreamSMP, maybe even in general. Main character energy.

Tubbo

I try to keep my Tubbo usage as little as possible, since I know he’s a bit uncomfortable with fanfic in general. I keep him as a side character. Never about him

He’s Tommy’s best friend and will always stand by him. Tubbo simultaneously matches, increases and dampens Tommy’s chaotic abilities.

He’s a bit smarter than Tommy, and better with things like sympathy and tact.

Canonically has died once. I don’t count deaths that don’t move the plot forward as deaths due to the nature of Minecraft. He was resurrected using some special hand wave magic that I’ve used to explain respawning. It’s not quite healing nor is it necromancy. (Okay, maybe it is necromancy. I had to go check bc I didn’t know off the top of my head. I main paladins it’s not my wheelhouse)

Post festival Tubbo is covered in scars from the burns. They’re mostly on the right side of his body, and sort of start by his torso and stretch like tendrils up his neck/face and down his arm. He’s not insecure about them at all but they are a bit painful.

Tubbo does not have parents. Well, he once did but he can’t remember them. I’ve kept it vague but he likely lived with a family and was separated from them at a young age but was able to take care of himself especially after befriending Tommy some time ago.

Niki

She is incredibly kind, sensitive but equally so is she outspoken and strong willed.

She’s a healer, and is one of the few people capable of resurrecting others, though she is not the most skilled as she only learned how to do this after moving to the SMP.

She’s a bit idealistic and sees the best in everyone, unless they’re completely evil. She believes if she’s seen the good in people, they can be good.

She’s 100% the most level headed in the whole of the SMP. God help you if you cross her, though.

Like I said in my FYI, I don’t ship her with anyone!!! She’s just really sweet and lovey and if you accuse me of making ship content I’ll literally cut you.

Everyone else will probably just make cameos based solely on their SMP characters, but with the way things are looking, I actually might have to get to know more mcyters to write about them.

[asterekmess]

honestly, my fury at the lack of werewolf culture/history/worldbuilding is worthy of its own post. Let me know if by some ungodly chance, you actually wanna hear my thoughts on it // Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

ohmygod yes, pls, enable me.

SO.

I think I mentioned b4 that Teen Wolf hates werewolves.

This is a show about werewolves like, yeah, sure, they do other plots and stuff. But the main character is a werewolf. The vast majority of the cast are werewolves (at least in the first half of the show). But think about it. What do we actually know about werewolves? They uhh, they shift on the full moon. But like, what about the full moon? Cus’ Scott gets handcuffed to a radiator and he doesn’t shift and break out until the moon comes out from behind the clouds and he screams like it’s excruciatingly painful for him. But then Derek and his Betas are underground during their full moon, and they shift like it’s all fine and dandy (they’re furious, but there’s no pain) and it doesn’t matter whether they can see the moon or not. They, uhh, they’re allergic to wolfsbane/it’s poisonous to them (btw it’s poisonous to literally everyone, just the scent of it is enough to cause seizures and hallucinations in humans. It’s a whole other frustration that they won’t make up their fucking minds abt it. It’s one thing to say that this is some parallel universe where wolfsbane doesn’t poison humans (bc lydia makes them hallucinate with the punch but injesting that much wolfsbane should kill you, and Stiles straight pulls a plant out of the ground; should’ve caused itching, burning, a cough, nausea, fever, headache and More hallucinations) and yet Jackson has to see a doctor and gets told he’s got Aconite Poisoning. So WHAT IS THE TRUTH?) but apparently not enough for Derek not to be able to plant a wolfsbane plant and massive cord of roots (which he would’ve had to tie together himself) in a revenge spiral around Laura’s body. But just being around it causes wolves to lose control. But also there’s supposed to be different strains that do different things? And also sometimes you burn the wolfsbane and it becomes the cure, or you have to burn it out of them or you just cut it out of them? Make UP Your MIND or at least ACKNOWLEDGE that different strains do different things. They get stronger on a full moon. But does that mean they get infinitely stronger with every full moon they experience? Does that mean they get weaker during new moons? They’re stronger in packs. Okay, but they never establish what the fuck a pack is. Is it an agreement? Is it a magical bond? Scott just sort of says people are in his pack. Does that mean they are? Do the humans he knows make him stronger? Just how strong is this bond? Derek makes a claim that “You have your own pack now” so is that a joke, was he mocking scott? Or is he saying that there’s no need for an Alpha and just being a beta with some friends counts as a pack? Apparently they have some kind of...animal magnetism or mind control? Derek uses a funny voice and a guy wakes up from a near coma to look at him with seemingly no control. Peter can force Scott to shift up. Derek forces Isaac to shift down. Derek has an insane amount of control over dogs and makes one lose its fucking mind from like a hundred feet away? Scott makes one calm down, but derek sends attack dogs running with their tails between their legs. Is it actual control or is it just a persuasion? Is it just intimidation? I haven’t even gotten to culture. You’re telling me that we get an entire episode of Allison discovering the entire story behind the Argent clan’s origins as werewolf hunters, why they started, how her name means Silver and apparently that’s where the entire myth of silver hurting werewolves comes from, but we don’t get to know anything about the first werewolves? Where they come from? If they’re a form of evolution or just straight magic or if it’s a curse or a gift from the gods? There’s an entire hidden werewolf population with packs all over the world, but somehow there’s literally no wolf culture? No moon worship? No specific terminology (Alpha, Beta, and Omega are terms used by a really fucking stupid biologist who studied frantic wolves in captivity and cast aspersions on the entire species. He’s been disproven a Thousand Times. NONE of that Alpha, Beta, Omega shit is right. Packs aren’t Hierarchies of Dominance. They’re families. They’re led by two wolves, yes, an “alpha pair” that’s literally JUST THE PARENTS. THE ‘BETAS’ ARE THEIR KIDS. This terminology makes sense if used by HUNTERS who consider werewolves to be mindless dumb animals. WHY THE FUCK would werewolves use it to DESCRIBE THEMSELVES?) besides the absolute minimum of ‘I caught a scent?’ Are you serious? Then there’s werewolf ages. Oh my god that was so fucking lazy. Saying that werewolves don’t age like humans, but that Cora is seventeen “by human standards” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I’ve seen theories that go so many different ways. The idea that Werewolves live really long lives because of the superhealing. The idea that they live really short lives because their healing just burns through their body really quickly. The idea that their lifespan is directly correlated to the amount of damage they take because they can only heal so much, so wolves who get hurt a lot age faster than wolves who don’t. There’s NO explanation! You’d think it might be an interesting point for Scott to find out that he’s gonna live to fucking 200 years old. (How old is Satomi again?) That sounds like something a Teenager would be daunted by. We see them make fun of Stiles a few times because he believes werewolf myths about silver, and then because he believes Peter when Peter tells him he lives in a series of underground caves. But like...why not? THESE ARE WEREWOLVES why did you just make them humans with extra facial hair? Where are the traditional mating rituals (or even the concept of a mate/life partner, can you imagine how interesting that would’ve been? If Scott found out Allison was his mate? Or if he suddenly had all these weird urges around her, like rubbing their foreheads together or cuddling her way too much or wanting to bring her food? That would’ve been fascinating and hilarious as subplots for their romance!) where are the full moon runs or pack get-togethers? Where are the aversions to perfumes or cologne? Where are literally any animal behaviors besides AGGRESSION? Where is the den-making? Can werewolves eat fast food or does the grease bug them? Talia was a famous Alpha bc she could full shift. Does anyone know why she could do that? “Evolution” is a bullshit answer, let’s be real. It’s shitty writing and it put Derek through so much more than he deserved. THEY ACCIDENTALLY ESTABLISHED that ALL HALES can full-shift! IT’s NOT EVOLUTION. It’s BIRTHRIGHT. Talia fullshifted. Peter full-shifted (though his was distorted into the monster thingy. That wasn’t anything like Deucalion’s shift. It was a FULL SHIFT) Laura could full shift bc she did it after she died. No other werewolves on the show turned into full wolves after death, even if they died with wolfsbane in their system? MALIA could full-shift into a coyote. LITERALLY EVERY HALE except Cora and that’s bc she got booted back to South America COuld FULL SHIFT (and it never happened after they lost all of their wolf powers, that coud’ve been an interesting plot if they didn’t FUCK IT UP.) But still there’s no explanation, or even just acknowledgement? You don’t have to spell it out for us, but at least SAY “Hey, so the Hale family is really powerful and all of us can full-shift. Not sure why, but it’s neat.) I’m still stuck on rituals. Routines. Werewolf mores. Social cues. Are there certain smells they’re supposed to ignore? Is it polite to pretend you don’t hear someone coming up to your house until they knock? Do they have rules about waiting until the Alpha eats before they start eating (much like how lots of traditional households wait for the father to dig in, or whoever is head of household)? Is it tradition to homeschool werewolves for the first few years until they learn control? Are there seriously no rules about biting humans? You don’t have to talk to their parents or have a specific conversation with them? And if werewolves are so dominance/hierarchy based, then you’re telling me there’s no “second-in-command” or respectful greetings that are supposed to be used for an Alpha? There’s absolutely no form of werewolf government or ancient laws or anything except a big spiral that is universally recognized as a sign you’re gonna kill people? What was the wolfsbane around Laura’s body for? Why make the spiral out of that instead of just drawing in the dirt or something? We make a lot of jokes about Derek being bad with his words, but so is Peter and so is Cora. And they’re the only born wolves we interact with (except Satomi who ALSO isn’t a chatterbox) What if that’s not just because they’re all traumatized and cranky? What if they’re just speaking on a different level? Scents and body language are integral to wolf interaction. Like how we say that Peter has that conversation with Derek’s eyebrows? What if Derek’s so fucking pissed all the time because he hates talking to Scott because SCott ISN”T LISTENING to his body language and scent and chemosignals? He tells Scott to use all his senses, and Scott does it fucking once to say that Peter felt “Angry” and never again. What if Derek is Talking PLENTY (with his body and movements and reactions) but Scott just isn’t paying attention? Isaac seems to understand Derek just fine. Erica and Boyd never complain that Derek is lying to them or ‘keeping something’ from them? What if the reason Scott always thinks Derek’s hiding something is because he isn’t reading the rest of Derek’s conversation and he assumes that the empty feeling is Derek lying. Even STILES seems to understand Derek. He’s human, but he goes totally wolfy. He already uses body language a lot and while he gets mad at Derek he never has to ask what the fuck derek is saying or what he’s holding back. I digress. I wanna know why no other packs came to help Derek and Laura after their family died. I wanna know why Emissaries and Druids are so incredibly important to the supernatural/werewolf world but Derek barely knew they existed (Especially when it’s established that he know tons of lore about other species.) and even though every single pack should have an emissary, they never handle who is the emissary for Derek’s pack or for Scott’s pack (Once again, is an emissary bound to their pack somehow or is it just an agreement?). I wanna know why Derek knew Satomi and trusted her but for some reason never felt like he could ask her for help? Centuries of hiding and living amongst humans with almost no wolf behavior to their name, but none of these packs interact? There’s Druid Vets and Hunter cops and Emissary counselors. But no werewolf doctors? No werewolf teachers? Absolutely no werewolf society? If Derek was worried about Paige not accepting that he was a werewolf unless she became one, what does that say about his experience with humans? He says “there were people in my family that were perfectly ordinary in that house” who died in the fire. But wouldn’t he talk to a human pack member about his worries, if he had one? Or even a bitten pack member? He admits he doesn’t know how to train a Bitten wolf. He’s never been called out by a human pack member for using phrases like ‘caught a scent’ or for reacting to things he shouldn’t. Does this mean Derek’s family was entirely werewolves? No humans in the know? No bitten wolves? He has a huge thing about keeping the secret and never letting anyone in on it unless they get dragged into it. Did Derek’s pack have some kind of prejudice against humans? Was Derek raised to believe humans were weak or cowardly or something, that he thought this beautiful girl would automatically hate him and expose him if she were to discover the supernatural without being forced into silence by self-preservation.

Lots of times, it’s easy to forget in this fandom that so much is missing, because we’ve been filling in the gaps for so long that some stuff is practically canon. It’s generally assumed that the Hales were homeschooled before high school. It’s generally assumed that there’s some kind of bond that marks people as pack. We instinctively add in mentions of Scent and the use of the shift (growling, claws, a hint of fang, flashing eyes) as part of the casual communication between characters. We add in scent-marking and territory boundaries and specific roles in the pack. We do all of that and never think twice because it’s already in all the fic. But we did that. The show gave us nothing. It spent an entire season talking about the nogitsune and the oni and how they’re summoned and what kitsune fox tails are for, but we never got to find out why wolves can do the pain-drain (or even if it dissipates the pain or just transfers it to the wolf doing the draining) or if Derek Hale EVEN HAS A DAD.

[numbaoneflaya]

Can I get a list of all ur ocs?

Well anon youve done it, you made me make a list of all my major OCS in one place. I hope your happy with yourself. Under the cut for obvious reasons, may link in my blog desc later.

Modern/BTD verse!!

Jilly- Ferret beastkin little creature, was recently turned into a werewolf by vincent as well so she's running around on full moons in a wereferret wolf hybrid creature form. Chaotic and friendly and wants to be everyone's bestie. She has the most energy in the world and is very kind hearted. Banned from most Claires for stealing and from one Home Depot for climbing the shelves. Prone to living life with rose colored glasses on and seeing the best in everything/everything even when there's nothing there. Socialization is a must for her and is why being basemented/kidnapped broke her psych so quickly and developed severe stockholm. Sometimes overly talkative/enthusiastic and can scare people off. Even if she sees someone shes decided shes friends with be noticeably 'evil', will convince herself it must be for some reason/her fault and ignore it.

Ciggy- Undead punk still learning to harness his powers to interact with the world as a ghost. Was sacrificed by a cult he joined for free concert tickets and to get laid. Likes to cause problems on purpose both pre and prior death and he's not above possessing someone once he learns how to. Was called Rooster in high school before he dropped out because he's loud, obnoxious and always screaming. And also has bright red dyed hair. Looking 4 ways to become less ghosty bcs he wants to be able to help raise his infant daughter, whom he died before he could meet. Bit annoying and in your face, likes poking at bruises, his or others. Kind of a sad heart seeking attention through volume and persistence.

Mike: Vampire loser! Sells drugs and lives at raves. Was turned when she was attacked by a coked out vampire (whom she supplied the product to) and has major scarring on her face and chest. Needs a somewhat constant influx of blood so shell sometimes take victims back to her place and chain them up, slowly draining them over time. Feels bad (ish) about it tho so it is possible to survive her if you are nice and or interesting enough. Kind of desperate for a friend and for love. Is a stalker. If she likes you enough/finds you interesting, she might just appear in your house one night and start rummaging through your fridge like nothing is wrong and youve been besties for years. Its best to indulge her and be friendly, otherwise she could turn violent quickly if her feelings are hurt.

Kilaine- Regular human woman, but fucked up. Born and raised by an elite waspy society she had an interest in the human body and pain tolerance since she was young. Quickly learned that these traits were socially unacceptable in most professions, so she became a doctor. The only family she cared about was her younger sister who she lost in a car accident, where they were flipped over and trapped inside while it was afire. While her sister burned up in front of her Kilaine only lost her left arm and had major burns on her body. This tipped her descent into sadism and she is now madly obsessed with bringing her sister back no matter the cost. Rude and offstandish, clinical.

Dragon age verse!

Thurwen- My main Hero of Ferelden with a bad temper and a heart of gold. City elf from the Denerim Alienage, 18 at the start of origins. She's a reaver warrior with a lot of pent up rage which sometimes scares others when she lets it out in battle. Over the years she's grown less moody as she's had to take the role of Commander. Crude sense of humor and violent impulses, very sensitive to the plights of others and tries often to help. Never seen crying in public but only cries to herself at night- major martyr and hanged man complex.

Caz- My circle mage elf inquisitor who was an apostate before the conclave. Blood magic, but make it sneaky. Wary of strangers and new faces, always dealing with the impulse to flee/find a high vantage point. Endless curiosity about the unknown/ the forbidden/ naughty, was supposed to be made tranquil for it but she escaped. Kind of a little creature as well, lived on her own for a while as an apostate in the woods, filed her teeth down to sharp ends to make herself look more intimidating (shes 5 ft tall) and less cute (her elf ears are huge and expressive, which shes embarrassed about)

Dag and Thagna- Carta twins! Professional lyrium smugglers since birth pretty much. Raised casteless in dust town and had to work their way up the chain of command by themselves. Dag is the brother, Thagna the sister. Their father traded them to the carta for drinking money and their mom died in childbirth so they have somewhat of a codependent relationship. Both charismatic and calculating, friendly and agreeable but won't hesitate to put a dagger in your back. Hard to pin down morally or physically, squirrelly bastards.

Reila: Dalish elf who works for the inquisition/ is the inquisitor in some aus. She has an extreme fixation on elvhen history and rebuilding what they have lost. Not a people person, prefers solitude. Takes some time to warm up to shemhlen as she has a hard history with them. Good friends with Caz, who recruited her in the first place. Doesn't understand very many social cues and finds societal expectations limiting and frustrating. Fondness for halla and hooved animals, which she finds graceful.

Elder scrolls verse!

Valkya: Near seven foot nord woman whos over a thousand years old by the events of skyrim. Tall and buff, two handed warrior and compulsive hero there to bask in the spotlight save the day. She was killed at the start of the events of Elder scrolls online and had her soul ripped out and sent to coldharbor and she's just been a pain in the ass about it since then. Her body can physically die and will not regrow pieces. Her soul however will escape and teleport to the nearest source of power where her body will regrow from an aetherial plasm until its whole again. Loud and brash, friendly and jovial. Actually pretty keen especially after centuries of life but prefers to play dumb as it makes people underestimate her. Plus, she really does enjoy mud wrestling and drinking contests and acting generally like a rambunctious frat boy. Ha developed a bit of a substance problem and a problem with acting out, as after being alive so long she would turn to anything to dull the ache inside of her that never goes away.

Espira- My Dragonborn! Redguard from Hammerfell who was briefly in the Ash’abah due to killing undead while protecting her parents water farm as a child. Ran away from them after years and went to Cyrodille, then to Skyrim and was caught crossing the border. Reserved, kind and soft spoken, she's a sword and shield warrior who's committed herself to doing good in the world by helping others. Dislikes killing and anything messy but believes it is often necessary in order to protect the weak. She blacksmiths often to save money on the upkeep of her own equipment, and takes up metal jewelry working as a hobby with the excess material. Prone to trusting others too much and giving too many second chances, as shes always looking for ways to make even the most hardened criminal a second look at life.

Riley- Espiras little brother who she locked in the wardrobe during the event of the water farm attack. In preventing him from doing violence against the undead she kept him from being conscripted into the Ash’abah. He's way more chaotic than his sister, and suffers from a case of little sibling syndrome in which he will often pester/poke at people just to get a rise out of them. Still kind hearted as his sister, he tries to hide it because he believes that the world is a cruel place and the cruel survive. Despite that belief he is often still unable to force himself to be cruel/careless, only making a show of it so that others leave him alone and don't see that he's very sensitive and emotional. Deaf in one ear due to a magic mishap in his youth, he trained and enchanted his most beloved rats to live for years and sit on his shoulder, alerting him to noises he would not otherwise notice.

Felria: Evil vamp :/ chaotic evil dunmer necromancer. Small and devilish and likes dead bodies too much. Manipulative and cunning, she loves acting. She's a trained assassin for the dark brotherhood and is the speaker. Likes dressing up for missions and wearing disguises like its all a play. Loves toying with people more than she loves killing them, will act in ways that cause as much trauma as possible for other people just for fun and she finds the reactions interesting. Considers herself too far removed from most people's perception of morality and of her so it's hard for her to trust someone or see them as worthy of knowing her. Finds the psychology of grief and fear to be interesting and wants to study them first hand. The hero of kvatch.

Herren: Fifty something year old rat woman looking for something to keep her going. Ran away from her wealthy family in her youth when they wanted her to take charge of the household, instead became an infamous jewel thief and swashbuckler. Spent most of her life traveling and stealing and double dealing. She's smarmy and sarcastic, a serial romancer of the highest caliber. Bit of a show off and a hedonist, always looking for the next good party or new product to snort. Her family died off due to the hard times she wasn't there for and she keeps looking for bigger and bigger heists to fill her appetite as she's chronically bored and lonely, though wont accept intimacy and will scoff at it out of the belief she doesn't deserve it. Irresponsible and selfish, lonely and terrified of any sort of commitment. Fun to party with though!

[bolbianddolanhouse]

Book 2 FAQ!

Book 1 FAQ Beginning of Book 2

Dang y’all, 14 chapters done for Book 2! It’s been a little bit of a struggle to hash them out on time BUT I deliver. I’ve asked, y’all keyboard smashed in my inbox...let’s get INTO IT!

4 KIDS?!

Yep. And all 4 of them are full of personality! I guess I dreamt them up to convey all of the unspoken parts of the My Hero universe (canon or not). 

Are the kid’s names in relation to their abilities?

No unfortunately, they’re names are based on their personalities/the major event that happened around the time they were born (no spoilers about it tho! Gotta read book 3 to know why!). Lili Perla is based off of Pearl from Steven Universe and their character type. Iwata El Roca is a nod to Luchador’s names and a character that passed away in the AU to honor them. Tensei Oro is a play on their family position, Tensei was the first born twin and his uncle was the first born, Oro is spanish for ‘gold’ and it’s a play on being first (ya know, because they give gold medals for 1st place!). Hanaka Rosa is a double trope name, Hanaka (Japanese: hana- flower, ka- power) is a nod to the tough girls with flower names in anime and Rosa (spanish: Rose) is a name used in telenovelas as the woman that causes all the romantic tension. I did the whole Japanese first name, Spanish middle name because thats what I want to do when I do have kids.

Why did Mineta have to be in this AU?

I hear you! The thing is that I DREAMT it like this. He’s the slightly incompetent teacher that gets dunked on by the parents. Good news is that he’s single and isn’t as gross in this part of the AU. He’s this AU’s punching bag if you will.

It was weird when you wrote in hate-crime/dorm incident bc I didn’t think about it that way...Why did you decide to explore it?

That part felt important to me to write. Yes the canon shows like actual crimes of different intensities, but not nessatreily hate-crimes done in schools. As you know, being LGBTQA+ in grade school is a terrifying thing to express if don’t want to stand out. The constant fear of peers judging you, bullies hurting you and teachers that seemingly don’t care about you if you come out is enough to silence anybody. Imagine that but in a hero school?! The hate-crime would be a villainous act and the culprit would have to do desperate measures to make sure nobody rats on them to maintain a clean image/record. Plus on the flip side, any ally that stands up for their oppressed peer is hailed the hero but they wouldn’t have to stand up for them if there were real consequences and punishment for the bullies. So in the AU, I wrote it how I’d want such hate-crimes to be handled. Not only justice but also accommodations for the victim.

The Mcdonalds order cracks me up! What is your Mcdonalds order?

I throughly enjoyed the Mcdonalds order part too. It’s a nod to the proposal in Book 1 when they went to Mcdonalds before the peer over. I wrote it to show that the family goes every now and then. My order is: Triple Cheeseburger, Large fries, Large sweet tea, 2 sausage and egg McMuffins & a cone. And yes, there will be a Mcdonalds order for every child because it drives the plot.

Will there be more interactions with the pro heroes from the canon series?

YES! Though old, theres more interactions planned with them. Of course, it’s all in Book 3 (trying not to spoil anything!).

Is it spoiler if you tell us if your kids (or one of them) becomes a villain?

I’ll tell y’all right now....NONE of my kids becomes a villain. It might look like one or two of them might from the way I wrote them but they’re just latina.

Will one of your kids be the next Ingenium?

Yes but I won’t tell you which one. But I can’t wait to reveal it to y'all!

I see all the call-backs to your self insert character’s past...Is it alluding to the conclusion?

I dreamt it as such and I fixed it in writing as a way to come full circle. Notice that Lili didn’t get any of her mom’s past from her mom? It wasn’t until when she confronted her on the couch in chapter 13. Even then, it wasn’t the full story nor did it fill in all the cracks and time skips after her mom’s time at UA. In Book 3, we explore more of the past. The conclusion is yet to be revealed.

How big is that house?!

It’s a little hard to explain? I want to say its big but parts of the house are disproportionate. It’s a two story house with no attic nor basement, 3 bath room, Master bedroom, 2 large bedrooms, office space, guest room, full kitchen, dining room, large living room, three car garage and a decent size backyard. What I’m trying to say that it’s big enough for that chaotic ass family.

Where’s Aizawa?!

Let the mans rest! He’s alive but he’s busy being a grandpa and taking naps. 

Canon villains OwO?

Y’all ate UP the Dabi surrender in Book 1 and his little mention in Book 2. But in this AU (not to spoil anything to anime only and manga dabblers) the League of Villains are still rampant but dispersed. In Book 3 (and part of Book 4) they pop in to drive the plot from a canon storyline. In the series, the rookie Hawks has been seen as a double agent and exposes a corrupt Hero Society. Same concept but in this AU, Hawks has gone missing when he failed to kill Best Jeanist. Here’s where the kids go into play BUT more on that as the plot progresses!

I really want to see art of these OCs! I wanna see how Iida’s genes transferred over to his kids!

I hear y'all! I’ve slid into DM during commission windows and have the means to pay for some line art at least...but with no responses. I’ve got my self insert character done in this post if you wanna check it out plus the artist was super sweet during the whole process. I may commission them again when they got a window of commissions open. But I may do a lineart of the kid’s faces in the near future.

What if....hypothetically....Shinso stayed?

Oh boy, okay so the Shinso stans have BOMBARDED my asks since the last arc of Book 1. So what if Shinso stayed...obviously I wouldn’t have 4 kids, just the one that we were gonna have. We wouldn’t be married and overall just be loveless the more we see our friends get married and start families. The company would still be there but delayed by 5 years or so. Our son would grow up to convince me and Shinso to separate when they get at around High school age. Tenya still wouldn’t have said anything but done the reunited part differently. I would’ve considered cheating but morals would’ve stopped me. Eventually, when our son decides to move out, we’d stay as housemates and basically die alone....aren’t you glad this AU isn’t such a downer?! Luckily things are patched up with my self insert and Shinso, because he comes into play in Book 3!

Eri Nurse! In your AU!

Yup! I’ve actually read some NurseEri! AUs on twitter and Tumblr (btw, some of y’all that like my posts have good taste in fics!) and it manifested in my dreams and created UA Nurse Eri. She shows up a few more times in the AU, so don’t fret if Eri is your fave.

Is it okay if I follow you on a different platform? Do you have another social media that I can follow you on?

You can follow me on Twitter (@oketsusama). It’s my personal twitter that I repost memes and get my news from. So it’s not as poppin as my Tumblr, but at least it’s AU free over there lmao.

What’s you favorite rare pair in the My Hero canon storyline?

Oh! and DON’T hate me, but I stan the Sero x Iida rare pair! There’s crumbs of the pair on twitter and here but the ones that I did read got me in tears. If you haven’t seen this tag on twitter and Tumblr, DO IT! The one on twitter had a lot of angst in it and it got me HOOKED on some of that goofball with their geeky partner energy.

Not a question, but I like your //Palma-sama Speaks in the tags. They’re funny and makes your posts that much more personalized.

I will cry! Thanks for reading that far! I like doing the ‘talking in the tags’ thing to basically point out the callbacks to new readers that stumbled upon that chapter of the AU. 

How long is this AU?!

It’s quite long BUT the ending is marvelous, trust. 

============================================

Thanks for reading! That’s all the asks for now, keep asking them! I love reading them. Next is the finale of Book 2! Everything will still come out 2-3 days of each other until further notice. Stay safe, drink water!

-Palma-Sama

[playmebackwards]

hey y’all, i’m velouria and i’m always late to the frickin party! well, better late than never, right? i’ll introduce you to all my kids but first up, binyamin ‘benny’ katzer, jewish werewolf with a whole lot of trauma!

&. 【 sh, do you hear I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF by THE CRAMPS playing ? that must mean BINYAMIN ‘BENNY’ KATZER is coming, the 23 year old CISMALE that goes by HE/HIM, currently employed as a GRAVEDIGGER AT OLDGATE CEMETERY. they’re a WEREWOLF in oldgate for eh, i’d say about TWO MONTHS. tough luck, huh ? least they got their REVERENT, INTELLIGENT, GUARDED and FEEBLE stuff to fall back on. anyway, it’s best to get out of here. their ( silver chai necklace glinting in the sun, worn comic books with the spines cracked, a bookcase filled with mel brooks films, bits of leaf found in dark blond hair nowhere near the forest ) vibe gives me the creeps !

trigger warnings: mentions of bullying, mass murder/massacre, ptsd

grew up in santa barbara, ca in a conservative jewish family (conservative as in the branch of judaism, not like republican lol); the younger brother of tovah katzer, park ranger. binyamin grew up as a regular class clown, a rather jovial kid that used humor as a defense mechanism. he was a decent student, but suffered from bullying over his small stature and religion.

because of the bullying at school, binyamin grew very guarded and only felt very close to his mother. though he had a few good friends in his social circle, he was very much a nerd and somewhat obnoxious, so he wasn’t well liked by most of his grade. he had a pleasant relationship with his older sister tovah but they were not socially close, even as children.

a stereotypical nerd, he spent most of his free time playing violent video games or at school band practice. he grew up very observant of his religion and spent a lot of time at the local jcc.

benny, as he was commonly called by his peers, wanted to be a stand-up comic as a teenager. his hero was (and still is) mel brooks, humor was the only way benny could really relate to other people and it shielded him from the world when relating to others only ended up hurting him.

as the years went on and high school was coming to a close, things lightened up at school and the bullying ceased majorly from its height in middle school and early high school. while he was never considered popular, it wasn’t so hard to get up and go to school in the morning during his junior and senior years.

he chose to go to usc santa barbara since it was a state school and not too far from his childhood home. while his dreams of being a stand-up comic had diminished, binyamin was still considering it when high school came to an end, but ultimately he picked a computer science major at his father’s insistence that he have an actual career, and if he really wanted to do stand-up comedy, he’d at least have something to fall back on if it didn’t work out.

usc santa barbara was a lot different from a small suburban high school and binyamin felt isolated and elated simultaneously. a few people from his former high school also elected to attend ucsb, so he had a social circle he could rely on but he was also able to branch out and accumulate new friendships from the people in his classes and social clubs at the school. by his junior year, binyamin had carved out a good group of friends.

benny had always known his family was different; his father, while a good man, was often quite secretive and left for weeks at a time. they blamed it on his work, but it seemed these business trips would always take place around the full moon. it wasn’t until his older sister tovah developed her shifting ability that their parents revealed that their father is a werewolf; they were unsure if, being the children of just one werewolf and a human, that the werewolf gene would pass onto the kids. while tovah had shifting ability, binyamin didn’t develop his at the same time and by the time he was 19, they were all pretty sure only tovah was a werewolf like their dad.

but that was only until he was 19. while on a road trip for spring break with his college buddies, a man sabotaged their vehicle and then hunted them down with a rifle, picking them off one by one. (think wolf creek and texas chainsaw massacre) benny was the only one to survive—all thanks to his inner wolf. halfway through the event, benny finally acquired his shifting ability, tearing apart his assailant and ending the massacre. benny doesn’t remember much about the event, only that some of his friends had animal bites on them, and he feels an immense amount of guilt over the very idea he was responsible for any deaths (besides the killer).

the nevada farmhouse massacre, as dubbed by the media, split benny’s life into parts: before, after. normal, werewolf. having developed ptsd from the event, it took years for benny’s life to get somewhat back to normal. he avoided leaving the house, taking care of himself, scaring his family. while he was cleared of all wrongdoing by the cops, benny hasn’t forgiven himself, though he’s not exactly sure what he did or did not do during that time. after a year or so, benny went back to college, but in ohio instead, trying to get as far away as possible from california as he could. he completed his remaining credits for college and earned a degree in computer science. he started to go by the name b. chayim katz.

working as an i.t. specialist for a little while, things were going good for him, but then it was discovered that he was living under an alias in akron and his location/information posted on all the true crime subreddits/blogs. fearing further harassment and having another breakdown, benny called finally his sister tovah, a park ranger in california, and they made plans to live together as benny couldn’t handle being by himself.

they decided to move to oldgate, louisiana, where tovah could continue being a park ranger and benny didn’t know what he was going to be (though he had a degree in computer science, it had been tainted by the doxxing), but he couldn’t be in ohio anymore and he vowed never to live on the west coast again. #anustart

the siblings katzer have only been in oldgate for two months now, benny picking up a job as a gravedigger at the cemetery as it would give him something to do and very little interaction with people. they haven’t registered with the local pack yet, figuring they’re the only wolves in town, but the katzers have always been on the outside of wolf society due to their religion and their general quiet nature. they’re not rogues/lone wolves, but they try to keep to themselves as much as possible. benny definitely ain’t no alcide lmao.

connections:

a fellow werewolf! the first one, besides his own sister, that benny comes across in oldgate, and really anywhere. the katzer wolves tend to keep to themselves, not exactly labeled omegas but they don’t subscribe the whole macho persona that a lot of packs have going on.

someone to recognize him! while benny was never a celebrity, anyone that’s a true crime fan would be sure to recognize him as the farmhouse case has been covered in many podcasts and blogs. as he left ohio because he was recognized, he’d be totally freaked out by someone in this new small town realizing who he is, but the connection in question agrees to keep his secret/not harass him abt it.

someone he can get close to! benny is very reserved and quiet, even before the massacre, but doubly so now. he doesn’t talk very much, rarely makes eye contact, and spends most of his time alone; it would be very nice if someone could coax him out of his shell and become a good friend to him. extra points to anyone that wants to turn this toxic later down the road and have them manipulate benny, bc i’m fucking messy lol.

someone that’s very anti-werewolf! since werewolf society is still in the dark compared to the vampires and benny doesn’t make his wolf status known to most people, the person in question doesn’t know he’s a werewolf and basically talks shit abt them all the time. benny’s too afraid to speak up and let them know how much they’re insulting him lmao.

i can’t really think of anything else right now! but message me to plot and we’ll cook up something fun :) im me on here or ask for my discord!!

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

[blipblorpsnork]

like god okay what a small detail like. okay so like shoves all my thoughts into a cup and shakes it til they meld properly OKAY. So like I’m super used to third wheeling, and not even in an explicitly bad way. I walk a bit slow, and when I’m out with friends and we’re window shopping and shit if it’s three of us it genuinely always ends up that I get left out of conversation because I wander and am a bit? Idk like, zoney? Like wispy, when I’m out window shopping, with or without friends, I’m not sure how to explain that.

oh my god this is three miles long so I’m putting it under a cut

Anyways the thing is, people always end up walking ahead of me; I always get pushed to the back (partly because I DON’T like people walking behind me in groups unless it’s in a structured line, it freaks me out) and like because of that, and because I’m very bad with social stuff sometimes I almost always get excluded from conversations. I don’t know how to add to them, and I don’t get addressed because I don’t participate, so eventually between the autism and the hearing issues I just tune people out because it makes more sense to do my own thing a lot of the time.

Last night we were wandering around Walmart, the three of us, just kinda browsing and window shopping because our Walmart is WEIRDLY nice, like it’s one of the best I’ve ever been in and we get loads of cool stuff none of our other friends do, including J despite the fact that he like, lives maybe a half hour to forty minutes out from us near Atlanta. Like it wasn’t anything special; just looking at stuff and making dumb remarks and like. Plastic Mermaid jokes tm lmfao.

J literally made sure I was included the entire time in a way that didn’t even feel like he was going out of his way to do it. Like, he kind of wandered between me and E, and talked with both of us, and when E was going off on one of his tangents to himself (something he does a lot, which we all acknowledge and unless he’s addressing us directly we’re free to listen or not, at his behest; it’s just a thing he does so we aren’t ignoring him by not interacting, just for reference’s sake) J would like, point something out and make a cheeky comment at me, or silently show me a thing that I could ogle or touch because it was soft and stuff like that. And like E wasn’t really paying attention but J and I kept making jokes about all the shoddy plastic mermaid stuff in the kids’ section and kept finding more and more stuff to make increasingly hilarious jokes about, to the point he was like “This is my new aesthetic now” and I was like “Time to delete your page and make a new one!” (He has like 60K + followers on Insta bc he does loads of emo mua stuff)

Like we had so many little inside jokes and he and I kept geeking out over the FNaF stuff together and like, even the little tacky ribbons and bows (like the genuinely ugly ones) in the girls’ clothing section and how even though it was awful we both liked it and like!! Ya know!! And like the entire time all THREE of us were included, but not all the time at the same time if that makes sense? Like we didn’t all have to always be engaged, but we were still all involved, and like we each had little dichotomies going on between us as pairs (me and J, me and E, them two), idk if I’m wording that right lmao. But it didn’t feel forced and it didn’t feel excluding! Which?!

I’ve never had that. Like he always makes me feel like I matter and am literally a part of the group, instead of an afterthought or a tag-a-lolng. And like he does it in a way that makes me know he’s making sure I know, but also does NOT feel like he’s going out of his way to do it. Like it feels super natural. God like it was such small, little things dude like?

And E isn’t into FNaF pretty much at all, but knows we both really are. So he’ll point stuff out to us because he knows how much we love it, but he can’t really engage in the freaking out lmfao. But J was like freaking out with me left and right over so much stuff like over watches and plushes and figurines and stuff (all in Walmart like damn, now that I’m breaking this down we really DO have a good fucking store lmao) and we like discussed lore and made jokes and like.

I HAVEN’T HAD THIS IN SO LONG OKAY????

And then like, so I work somewhere I get an employee discount, and then an additional clothing discount (even on clearanced stuff, which is FANTASTIC because that means if we have clearanced shirts I like, I can get brand new clothing on the super cheap which is something I very much so value as someone who lives well below the poverty line) and because of that I managed to get two FNaF snapbacks for just over 5 dollars after tax, or just under, idr precisely. But basically two LICENSED OFFICIAL SNAPS for 5 bucks. These are 20 dollar hats lmfao. And I gave one of them to J because that’s why I got two of them, yeah? And so like, he got this new hat a week or so ago that he’s OBSESSED with and he wears it everywhere right now, and of course he was wearing it when he got here. I gave him the snap and he IMMEDIATELY swapped out his bunny hat for the snap, and then wore it the literal rest of the night. (Also? It looked REALLY gd good over the red wig he was wearing, god damn that was a look.)

So many little things, you know?? Like so so many holy shit. I’M NOT DONE AAAA

So then like when we got back we decided to marathon Monster High because E and I have never seen it and J is completely in love with it and does loads of cosplays and makeup looks for it on his account right. We marathoned 2 full seasons of it last night, all three of us bundled on the couch in separate blanket piles. (It was actually really fucking funny looking tbh xD) And like I mentioned he could use the blanket I made if he wanted so he spent the rest of the night with it wrapped around his shoulders dragging it everywhere lmfao and then like he mentioned he was in a bundle up and cuddle something quiet kinda mood (all three of us were pretty low energy yesterday so it worked for the best, I feel) so I gave him Ace, who is my current comfort plushy I got recently (he’s a Squishmallow!!) and he spent HOURS just hugging and cuddling and idly playing with Ace and it was the cutest fucking thing oh my g o d.

And like so he and E are close. Dating. I hate it. I still love E. I don’t want to. It hurts. It. Really hurts. And I’ve never really talked about it because I don’t fucking want to, it REALLY hurts me. And every time E would get kinda tentatively snuggly with J (they’re very considerate of me and kind of not sure what they are, so it wasn’t malicious or anything, but it was painful) I would get kinda quiet and just make sure I was focusing on the show or my phone. But by the end of the night, E was laying half on J’s shoulder, and J was sitting cockeyed and leaning heavily into me in a way that didn’t mush my spine or hips (usually a big issue just because I’m fragile lmfao) and like I was casually in contact with him for the last couple hours he was here and just.

So many small things.

And like god fuck you can all ignore this jfc xD But!! So his favorite favorite character, like kin-level seriously-relate-to-him-so-much cosplay-him-on-the-regs character is Jackson. And he really loves Holt as well cause duh of course he does. And like!!! I relate to him so fucking MUCH. And I’ve only seen two seasons but I was internally freaking out because of the way Jackson is and like the music being the trigger for Holt Hyde because I’m extremely sound sensitive and like!!! AAAAAAAAAa new character attachment babey and he was like SUPER SUPER SUPER excited that we both loved MH as much as we did and that I was so IMMEDIATELY attached to Jackson and just.

Gaaaaaaaah. I just. I’m happy. I’m in trouble lmao but man. Right now,,, I’m just happy.

[bloojayoolie]

Being Alone, Best Friend, and Cats: 8 yns old 115-lbs @ Brooklyn ACC Brown Friendly and affectionate Mr. Brown is a big waggy teddy bear. Well behaved outgoing around strangers and relaxed and playful around children. ID# 62394 INTAKE DATE: 05-09-2019 Mr. Brown? More like Mr. Handsome! ~ Mr. Brown is an 11 yr old senior who was surrendered due to the no pet policy in his owner's building. We can barely imagine how his parent must feel, after losing his old boy this way, a best friend and family member. Mr. Brown is a friendly and waggy big boy, a 115 lb teddy bear, outgoing around strangers, relaxed and playful around children, playful and well behaved when left home alone. He did very well on his behavioral assessment, earning himself a LEVEL 1 rating. Mr. Brown is a large boy though and he will need a parent that can hold him on the leash! Please share Mr. Brown for the right home and a future full of love! MY VIDEO: Mr. Brown <3 https://youtu.be/UqtYkWnkhkE MR. BROWN, ID# 62394, 8 yrs old, 115 lbs, Brooklyn Animal Care Center, Large Mixed Breed Cross, Brown / White Male, Owner Surrender Reason: surrendered to BACC due to the no pet policy in the owner's building Shelter Assessment Rating: LEVEL 1 Medical Behavior Rating: INTAKE PROFILE - BASIC INFORMATION: Mr. Brown is approximately 7 years old. He is an unaltered male. He was surrendered to BACC due to the no pet policy in the owner's building. Mr. Brown previously lived with 1 adult. His owner state Mr. Brown is friendly and outgoing around strangers. Mr. Brown is relaxed and playful around children of all ages. He has not been around other dogs or cats, so it is unknown of the behavior. Mr. Brown does not resource guard his food or toys. He does not mind if you try to take it away. He has no bite history and is housetrained. His previous owner descrives his energy level as medium. Has this dog ever had any medical issues? No For a New Family to Know Owner stated Mr. Brown is a friendly, affectionate and shy dog. When your home he tends to follow you around. He likes to play with balls, stuffed, squeaky and chew/bone toys. He likes to play chase. He is mostly indoors. He eats dry food about 2x a day. He is very house trained. He is well behaved when left in the house. When left in the yard he is well behaved but he do bark. He has never been crate trained. He knows ques such as sit, come and down. He plays in the yard. He pulls hard on the leash. BEHAVIOR NOTES: Means of surrender (length of time in previous home): Owner surrender Previously lived with: 1 Adult Behavior toward strangers: Friendly and outgoing Behavior toward children: Relaxed and playful (w/visiting children) Behavior toward dogs: Unknown Behavior toward cats: Unknown Resource guarding: None reported Bite history: None reported Housetrained: Yes Energy level/descriptors: Mr. Brown is described as friendly, affectionate and shy with a medium level of energy. SHELTER ASSESSMENT SUMMARIES - Behavior Assessment Date: 5/10/2019 Summary: Leash Walking Strength and pulling: Moderate pulling Reactivity to humans: None Reactivity to dogs: None Leash walking comments: Sociability Loose in room (15-20 seconds): Neutral body, tail high, ears forward, explores room somewhat, stays near handlers, readily accepts treats with soft mouth, panting, tail wagging, accepts contact Call over: Approaches readily, soft Sociability comments: Handling Soft handling: Neutral body, tail wagging, ears forward, tense head, distracted by outside noises, accepts all contact Exuberant handling: Neutral body, tail wagging, ears forward, tense head, distracted by outside noises, accepts all contact Handling comments: Arousal Jog: Follows handler, soft and loose, tail wagging Arousal comments: Knock Knock Comments: Solicits attention when assistant exits, tail wagging; No response to knock; Approaches assistant, soft and loose, tail wagging Toy Toy comments: Minimal interest PLAYGROUP NOTES - DOG TO DOG SUMMARIES: According to Mr. Brown’s previous owner, Mr. Brown did not socialize with other dogs while in their care. 5/10: When off leash at the Care Centers, Mr. Brown greets the novel female dog on his tiptoes. He is sexually motivated and persistently sniffs the greeter’s genitals. He briefly walked away before returning to greet the helper dog. 5/11: Mr. Brown continued to be sexually motivated when greeting the helper dog. He followed her around the yard when she engaged in chase play and tolerated her paw slaps. He places his chin on her back when she is taking a break. 5/12: Mr. Brown continues to be sexually motivated but does not attempt to mount of place his chin on the female's back. He is tolerant of her paw slaps and muzzle punches. He briefly walks away before returning to the female. INTAKE BEHAVIOR - Date of intake: 9-May-2019 Summary: Friendly, accepted contact, allowed all handling MEDICAL BEHAVIOR - Date of initial: 9-May-2019 Summary: Loose body, wagging tail, some lip licking, some whale eye ENERGY LEVEL: Mr. Brown has been observed to exhibit a medium level of energy during his interactions in the care center. BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION: Level 1 Behavior Asilomar H - Healthy MEDICAL EXAM NOTES 9-May-2019 Spay-Neuter Waiver Documentation [Spay/Neuter Waiver - Age] It is the policy of ACC not to perform surgery on any animal over the age of 8-10 years due to the higher risks incurred in a shelter setting. The veterinarian is hereby issuing a permanent spay/neuter waiver, from the spay/neuter requirements of the City of NY due to the estimated age of this animal. ACC does recommend you consult with your veterinarian to determine if surgical sterilization is appropriate. 9-May-2019 DVM Intake Estimated age: 8 years Microchip noted on Intake? No Microchip Number (If Applicable): History: Owner surrender Subjective: BARH, no coughing/sneezing/vomiting/diarrhea Observed behavior: Loose body language, wagging tail. Some lip licking and whale eye during exam. Evidence of cruelty seen: No Evidence of trauma seen: No Objective: P: WNL R: WNL BCS: 5/9 OP: Mucous membranes pink and moist. CRT <2. Mild calculus/gingivitis. EENT: Ears and nares clear bilaterally, no discharge noted. Nuclear sclerosis OU. PLN: Small/soft/symmetrical/nonpainful CV: No murmurs or arrhythmias, pulses strong and synchronous. RESP: Eupneic, no crackles/wheezes GI: Soft, nonpainful, no palpable masses. UG: Male intact, two descended testicles, no discharge INT: Good hair coat, no areas of alopecia or pruritus, no ectoparasites or masses noted. MS: Ambulatory x4, no pain on palpation of epaxials NEURO: Mentation appropriate, cranial nerves intact, no deficits noted. Assessment: -Clinically healthy Prognosis: Good Plan: -Recommend full bloodwork with placement Surgery: Permanent waiver due to age * TO FOSTER OR ADOPT * If you would like to adopt a NYC ACC dog, and can get to the shelter in person to complete the adoption process, you can contact the shelter directly. We have provided the Brooklyn, Staten Island and Manhattan information below. Adoption hours at these facilities is Noon – 8:00 p.m. (6:30 on weekends) If you CANNOT get to the shelter in person and you want to FOSTER OR ADOPT a NYC ACC Dog, you can PRIVATE MESSAGE our Must Love Dogs page for assistance. PLEASE NOTE: You MUST live in NY, NJ, PA, CT, RI, DE, MD, MA, NH, VT, ME or Northern VA. You will need to fill out applications with a New Hope Rescue Partner to foster or adopt a NYC ACC dog. Transport is available if you live within the prescribed range of states. Shelter contact information: Phone number (212) 788-4000 Email adopt@nycacc.org Shelter Addresses: Brooklyn Shelter: 2336 Linden Boulevard Brooklyn, NY 11208 Manhattan Shelter: 326 East 110 St. New York, NY 10029 Staten Island Shelter: 3139 Veterans Road West Staten Island, NY 10309 * NEW NYC ACC RATING SYSTEM * Level 1 Dogs with Level 1 determinations are suitable for the majority of homes. These dogs are not displaying concerning behaviors in shelter, and the owner surrender profile (where available) is positive. Some dogs with Level 1 determinations may still have potential challenges, but these are challenges that the behavior team believe can be handled by the majority of adopters. The potential challenges could include no young children, prefers to be the only dog, no dog parks, no cats, kennel presence, basic manners, low level fear and mild anxiety. Level 2 Dogs with Level 2 determinations will be suitable for adopters with some previous dog experience. They will have displayed behavior in the shelter (or have owner reported behavior) that requires some training, or is simply not suitable for an adopter with minimal experience. Dogs with a Level 2 determination may have multiple potential challenges and these may be presenting at differing levels of intensity, so careful consideration of the behavior notes will be required for counselling. Potential challenges at Level 2 include no young children, single pet home, resource guarding, on-leash reactivity, mouthiness, fear with potential for escalation, impulse control/arousal, anxiety and separation anxiety. Level 3 Dogs with Level 3 determinations will need to go to homes with experienced adopters, and the ACC strongly suggest that the adopter have prior experience with the challenges described and/or an understanding of the challenge and how to manage it safely in a home environment. In many cases, a trainer will be needed to manage and work on the behaviors safely in a home environment. It is likely that every dog with a Level 3 determination will have a behavior modification or training plan available to them from the behavior department that will go home with the adopters and be made available to the New Hope Partners for their fosters and adopters. Some of the challenges seen at Level 3 are also seen at Level 1 and Level 2, but when seen alongside a Level 3 determination can be assumed to be more severe. The potential challenges for Level 3 determinations include adult only home (no children under the age of 13), single pet home, resource guarding, on-leash reactivity with potential for redirection, mouthiness with pressure, potential escalation to threatening behavior, impulse control, arousal, anxiety, separation anxiety, bite history (human), bite history (dog) and bite history (other).

[jess1820]

the time i went to reno to see phoenix (dec 8 2017)

I traveled 4 hours to Reno to see Phoenix last Friday! It was incredible and I stayed afterwards to meet the band in the freezing cold.

under the cut are all the great moments that happened with random small details and fangirling (if you want to skip some parts i included headers, but meeting them was so amazing, also the last 3 paragraphs are the most important bc *sobbing CHRIS*)

before the show

The morning of the show I walked around the casino looking for our boys and I actually did see them! Thomas, Chris, Thomas H, and Rob were eating breakfast in the restaurant/cafe. I didn't really want to interrupt or wait around so I kind of just watched them from afar briefly and saw Thomas eat french toast haha (whoops was this more creepy).

I was in line about 3.5 hours before doors opened. Getting front row was very promising. 15 minutes before the doors opened, Thomas, Branco, Deck, and Chris left the venue and were heading out (to what I assume was towards the restaurants in the casino) and they were so cute. We (waiting in line) were all dying and waving at them and they responded by winking (Deck), hand gestures (Branco), and big waving (Thomas and Chris). 

the show

I chose to stand between Deck and Chris after lots of internal debates with myself (and chats with feenix friends, shout out for helping me make a decision yu know who y’all are!! ty!!).

The show was SO GOOD. These boys were ON FIRE. I’m really happy the crowd was into it as well (the show strangely did not sell out..). Thomas said they specifically asked to play Reno because last time they were here it was great. The boys looked super happy onstage. TOO YOUNG WAS PLAYED IN FULL!!! God it was the best. And also Rally!! I love hearing the INBLT songs live. I also jammed so hard to Sunskrupt! because what an instrumental masterpiece and also hello to Branco marches and shuffles (what a combination of cute and awkward ok). They also had a disco ball for If I Ever Feel Better and IT JUST MADE THE EXPERIENCE EVEN COOLER. Thomas introduced the disco ball and then stayed with the crowd for the song. It was so fun. 

After the main set, Chris comes back on stage with an Anchor steam beer in hand (yee Anchor brewing man, heh unnecessary detail). Goodbye Soleil. GOSH. It was so beautiful. Thomas was right in front of me and everything was just magical. The arm waves in Fior di Latte was magical too. what a vibe. And ti amo reprise! Finally, to experience the reprise and crowd surfing. It was so much fun and I touched him heh.

Chris was smiling, dancing, and occasionally singing all night long, he was SO precious. precioussss. We made eye contact several times throughout the night (I love that he smiles right back I love him what a happy lil bird). Deck had a lot of fun interactions with Chris all night and he made funny faces and did his spider legs pose too hahah. Thomas was so cool with the crowd and looked so nice. Branco was so cute in his lil corner with his tinted ray bans and blue shirt and levis. I live for his marches and shuffles and his freeze in FSD. I made eye contact with all of them throughout the night and it was so magical.

actually meeting feenix!!!!

After the show, I went outside (in a freezing ass temperature of 24°F) to where their buses were parked and all I had seen was the crew packing everything away. There was no one else waiting, so I kind of wandered around, before deciding to stand in a spot where I could see the bus under a light.

DECK!!

I saw someone store their suitcase away and bring a bag inside the bus. Shortly, they get off the bus and start walking towards me. I realize finally it’s Deck (it was dark where he was coming from)!! He was so polite and friendly, I was not prepared so I had to dig for my sharpie and entertainment single (it’s one of my favorites!). He took a look at it and was saying it’s kind of rare and and was surprised. I am a failure at socializing so I said all these dumb embarrassing things to him (deck im sorry) but I had him sign his pick (which I got when it was thrown off stage by the crew). (A young couple shows up at this point so they help to take a photo for me and hang around lol). He says the others are showering and if we waited we could see them. Before he returned back to the venue, he says, “You must be cold” and rubs my arm. (aaaah deckkkk)

THOMAS AND BRANCO!!

1 hour later (which felt like forever), I bumped into Matt the sound guy who tells me what bus and when they’d be leaving. About 15 minutes later, Thomas shows up all bundled up with a beanie and hood on, and Matt signals for us to come over. Thomas was so nice and also was saying how cold it was and thanked us for waiting. A moment later, Branco shows up wearing his grey hat aww (yu kno I love branco and hats!!) and I kind of just go to him because (hello!! its my boy!! I wanted to cry bc last time at BFD I was so close to meeting him) it’s Brancoooo. He was saying, “It’s so cold! eh, it’s so cold!” and for some reason in person he sounds even more french???? (its wild??? he sounds so nice tho). He was so adorable ok and I asked for a photo and he tells Thomas (who is talking to the couple and just gets interrupted ohmygod B!!) to be in the photo. (And then Branco is like, “Get in the middle!!” and I love that he basically arranged the photo op for me). He was so smiley. Thomas was so gentle and adorable. After they put their stuff in the bus, they kept waving goodbye~~

CHRIS (AND DECK AGAIN)!!

Another 5-10 minutes go by before Chris finally shows up with Deck! (Now I am the only one waiting.) Chris has a togo/leftover box of food in his hand (i could not have expected anything less, bc chris x food) and as I approach him and say hi, he says in the most cheery voice, “I remember you, you knew all the lyrics!” He was SO sweet, he handed the box to Deck and signed my single sleeve. As he’s handing it back to me, he observes my sweater and starts talking about it and Deck joins in as well lmao. Chris kept asking what brand it was and talking about the pattern. It was too cute. I loved this moment. Chris mentions he has one with a very similar pattern that’s Lacoste (obvs, and mine is not). Before Deck leaves, he thanks me and gives me a hug!! (what!! i couldn't believe it).

I talked with Chris a little about the show and I walked with him to the bus. I ask him if they are coming back to SF next year (I asked everyone and they gave me different answers lol) and Chris said there might be something (perhaps private) and took down my email!! what!!! !!! W H A T. He then struggles to put his really long suitcase bag thing into the bus and drops some stuff and utters his classic “wah la la” and it was SO precious (I helped pick up his stuff). Near the end, I ask to take a photo with him and he scoots me towards the light with his hand on my shoulder (chrissss i wanted to cry). Unfortunately my dumb phone flashed (there was enough light come on man) and it caught him in mid-blink (but it’s ok bc this moment was so incredibly precious i will cherish it). He then gives me a great big hug and thanks me, speaking softly. GOD. what a moment. one i’ll remember forever. it was so sweet, so sincere and heartfelt. (yO i wanted to cry!!).

At this point I'm pretty sure Cedric opened the bus door trying to rush Chris in (they are so late leaving im so sorry) but Chris keeps talking to me and thanking me because without us, they would not be where they are today and i just wanted to cry HE IS TOO SWEET. A TRUE ANGEL. Chris is so generous and seriously what a wonderful human.

sorry this was so long i got v emotional and if you made it through i thank you!!

[eeveelutionsforequality]

@mod vape, do you have any tips for dealing with hypersexuality or addiction? bc uh. getting off hurts. idk if it’s specifically because ive been doing it so goddamn much or because of the fucking legion of medical problems i have, but it’s DEFINITELY making my abdominal pain worse and i dont know how to stop gjdfjhk.

Well, firstly, go to the doctor about that pain - there are injuries, illnesses, sexual dysfunctions, and all sorts of things from that could be causing a pain like that (it could be a pulled muscle, a cyst, maybe you aggravated a pre-existing health issue, etc), and it's best to rule out anything too dangerous as soon as you can, and to treat anything treatable. Even if it is tied to or caused by overdoing sex/masturbation, just mitigating that habit isn't guaranteed to fix it.

I was getting some pretty bad pain from even small dildos/vibrators, and I decided to go to the doctor in case it was something dangerous - thankfully, it turned out to just be a sexual dysfunction (basically spasms and tightening of the muscles in the vagina, in my case caused by trauma). I was supposed to get therapy for it, but I never went because I was having another therapy at the time and my carer was like "But what if they cancel each other out!?" and I was like "That's not how it works..." Sometimes it acts up but I think I've got it mostly under control. I've also had to go to the doctor for sprained/strained wrists more times than I would like to admit... I used to be like "Oh I played my guitar for too long" or "Oh I think I leant on my walking stick for too long" and now I'm just like "Wanker's cramp".

Trust me and my plethora of injuries when I say that doctors are professionals, they went to medical school, they see genitalia on a daily basis, they've seen eyes and ears and giant sores full of puss... it's really rare to get a doctor that will look down upon or judge you for that. Sure you'll get the odd "You should masturbate less", "Here's a big speech about the risks of STDs and pregnancy", "Have you told your therapist about this", but it's more of an "I'm contractually obliged to impart medical advice" than an "I think you're gross" 99% of the time.

Secondly, I do have tips, but I'm still hella bad at dealing with my own issues - I still smoke more than I want to, drink til I puke, sleep with strangers, lose days to laying in bed alone, have an aching pain in my wrists, etc. Obviously I don't have all of the answers, so I can't promise that they'll be the best tips in the world - it's worth doing some more research of your own, and it might be worth talking to your doctor/therapist if you can't manage it on your own.

You haven't given much detail about how specifically it affects you or what the addiction is to (sexual stuff in general, masturbation, casual sex, porn, etc), so I'm going to try to cover as much as I can (like dealing with sexual thoughts about people in your life, limiting the number of times you masturbate, etc) and I hope that at least some of what I say is useful to you.

Okay, so the first tip I have is: try not to slip into the mentality that cold turkey is the only way to go if it's not what you want - thinking "I can't have this. I'm not allowed this." can increase cravings. Thinking "I'm allowed this later... if I stay motivated not to do it now and if I only do it in moderation, and it's gonna be great." can make waiting out those cravings a lot easier, provided you have the self-control to not slip back into a bad habit after once.

Ways to avoid slipping back into bad habits include: having time (or number of the thing) limits for when and how long you are allowed, having something to do afterwards that takes your mind off it (for example "once I've done it once, I have to get up, take out the rubbish, email my boss, read that global warming article, and get ready for bed"), other rewards/punishments (put a book you really want in your Amazon basket then click "save for later", if at the end of the fortnight you've accomplished your goal then buy the book, if you fail the fortnight resets and you have to wait two more weeks - set smaller goals with smaller rewards, and larger goals with larger rewards), keeping and going over a diary so that you can see what worked and what didn't, if there's a pattern to failures, progress even if you're not meeting goals (at which point try to make the upcoming goals a little easier since you're expecting too much of yourself), and so on.

Secondly, and it's the most generic tip ever but it's SUPER important for addictions because they can damage your pre-frontal cortex... healthy diet, exercise, meditation, mental exercises, getting some sun, and other daily tasks are super important.

You need to get into the habit of something like reading or pottery or drawing for at least half an hour to an hour every day - turn off your internet, games, distractions, and maintain concentration on what you're doing. This helps repair the effects that addictions can have on your pre-frontal cortex and dopamine receptors by activating the parts of your brain that work towards maintained motivation and focus for smaller or distant rewards, which in turn will help your brain work normally again, which in turn will increase motivation and willpower.

Cooking more difficult meals will have similar benefits and a healthy diet improves your overall health. Exercise does the same even more effectively than either, and it has the added bonus of energizing you, increasing your focus on other tasks that you do afterwards, various health benefits, lifting your mood, and helping you be tired by the end of the day so that you'll be able to sleep easier - insomnia is a really dangerous trigger for any addiction, but especially a masturbation or sex addiction, because you're in an environment that is associated with that behaviour and the behaviour makes it easier to sleep afterwards, so you've every reason to start doing it if you find yourself unable to sleep.

Which brings me on to another reason why keeping a diary is especially important - you need to isolate your triggers. Establish what happened immediately before the behaviour, what you were thinking, and what potentially led to the behaviour. Then you can work towards either avoiding those triggers, lessening them, being mindful of them, or training yourself to exhibit a different behaviour in response to them - for example, if having a shower triggers you to masturbate, try singing in the shower instead, training your brain to react to showers with the urge to sing instead of the urge to masturbate.

You might also want to try sleeping meds, so that you can take them, read until they start to kick in, and then immediately go to bed and try to sleep - that way there's less of a gap between going to bed and falling asleep where something could happen.

Routine can also be really helpful for some people - you're supposed to fall asleep between about 10pm and 1am for optimal sleep, and you're supposed to wake up between 6 and 8 hours later. Get out of bed as soon as you wake up to avoid lethargy, and either exercise or go for a short walk, or do something that starts your brain and body working for the day. After that, prepare breakfast, don't watch TV or distract yourself while you eat. Continue the day with a routine that works for you, and you could set a time at which you will masturbate (or maybe a date you're allowed to go to the club and pull... how you work in routine if you have a long-term sexual partner is something you would need to talk to them about) that doesn't interfere with your routine.

Avoid bars, pubs, clubs, tinder, grindr, and anything else that can be a trigger for that or makes quick hook-ups easy - I know that I can go to the pub near me (because there'll be nobody there for that, it's an "old people come here to watch football" pub), and that I can go to a pub or bar with friends if I'm having a good day, but making sure that my flat wasn't within walking distance of a club and deleting dating apps was really helpful to me (it meant that even if the temptation was there the effort required to act on it was too much and took too long, so I'd catch myself).

I also log off any tumblr that I'm following people on that post NSFW, porn, sexual stuff or anime stuff if necessary - just like how I log off any tumblrs where I follow political blogs if I'm getting overwhelmed by that. But it is still good to have a tumblr for NSFW stuff, to have somewhere that you can express certain things, reblog things, feel less alone, enjoy things that you enjoy - don't demonize the side of you that likes sex, don't lock it in a cell in the back of your head, just tell it that it can't control you.

I'm also working on not putting myself in as many situations that can make me feel like I'm being too flirty or as many situations that cause too many uncomfortable or sexual thoughts at a time when they're stressing me - like, I don't come online as much when I'm drunk now, I don't have as many sleepovers, and I don't tend to maintain physical contact for as long (like, I don't hold hands as often as I used to), for example.

That said, you can't live out your life hiding from people who your brain might think something sexual about - isolating yourself is unhealthy. Humans are social creatures and social interaction is good for us, talking to people about our problems is good for us, distractions and fun are good for us. I find structured social plans make things easier - so, I like plans like "lets cook together then eat the awesome meal", "lets go see a movie", "lets go to the town center and taste hot chocolate from as many cafés as we can before I puke", "lets go to the fair" and things like that (that said, agoraphobia is awful and ruins like 90% of my social interaction). Keep people in your life who you're comfortable with and who make you happy.

Remember that what you're thinking or mental images that pop into your head aren't evil, it doesn't mean that you have a crush on them, that you actually want to do sexual things with them, that you can't be their friend, or anything like that... they're just thoughts. You didn't choose them. Just let them pass.

Your surroundings and triggers are incredibly important things to stay on top of though, be that to mitigate stress in social situations, or to prevent you from engaging in more sex/masturbation than you want to or than is safe for you to.

Don't spend your day in the same place that you masturbate - even if you don't live alone you can avoid being in bed when you're in your room, you could get a sofa, beanbag, comfy chair, gigantic cushion, or other comfortable place to sit in your bedroom so that you don't have to be in your bed, and put that in a part of your room with different posters/decoration to those around your bed.

Lots of things can become associated with certain behaviours in your brain, from sitting in a certain place to feeling a certain emotion. Try to avoid being too exposed to those things at times when you don't intend to be doing something sexual, and replace them with other things that make you happy, keep you distracted, and aid in training concentration and willpower (maths games, board games, card games, puzzles, reading, cooking, exercise, drawing, writing, etc).

Even things like separating any porn or sexual pictures in your phone into a hidden folder instead of having it pop up when you go to look for pictures, or keeping magazines or the pornhub bookmark out of sight, can really help with lessening the regularity with which things pop into your head.

Finally, and I've hinted at it throughout this, mindfulness and meditation are things that many addicts find incredibly helpful. It's really worth doing some googling, watching some YouTube videos, and learning those techniques (and it's good to be doing research in general into ways to help addictions or hypersexuality disorders, because there are quite a few schools of thought and there are probably a lot of things that I've missed).

Meditation, like reading and exercise, helps train your mind into maintaining focus, not reacting to distractions and urges, relaxing, letting thoughts pass by, and being less hectic and loud - it also has health benefits, can help you sleep, can help you take time from your busy schedule to yourself (an urge that may have been previously feeding the addictions instead, as they can be linked to a need for control), and can help you work through thoughts or anxieties.

Mindfulness helps in various ways too - for example, smokers found that being mindful (observing, essentially) helped them quit because it led to them paying more attention to how bad the cigarette tasted, and it also allowed them to non-judgmentally observe the cravings that they felt, observe why they were feeling those cravings, and allow them to pass by. It's about letting your thoughts exist, letting things exist, acknowledging them, but not letting them control you.

You can study mindfulness for yourself - research it online, read one of the many books about it, watch YouTube videos, etc - or you can go to the doctor and ask for a therapy that teaches mindfulness (I found learning about it in my own time more helpful, and have had more success with that, but I think that was mostly related to not having a great therapist - plus, online gives me more opportunities to look into the how and why, to see how other people do it, to look deeper into it, to take as long as I need, while therapy was just an elderly lady snapping at me for using my phone and telling me to imagine that my thoughts are clouds and distracting me constantly).

So yeah...

Step 1: Go to the doctors for that pain, it's probably something minor but it's better safe than sorry.

Step 2: Do more research, Mod Vape doesn't know everything.

Step 3: Keep a diary and try to isolate what things are triggering you, what you're feeling beforehand, and be mindful of what you're thinking, what you're feeling, and what you're gaining/losing from the experience.

Step 4: Try to keep yourself away from things that trigger you, but also remember that you don't have to entirely abstain from valuable things - you can train new reactions as responses to those things, you can work on self-control, and so on.

Step 5: Work on your routine, diet, exercise, habits, and hobbies, so that you can improve your willpower, motivation, and health.

Step 6: Research and practice meditation and mindfulness.

Step 7: Set and work towards small goals, rewarding yourself for successes and keeping track of your progress.

Step 8: If you can't control the addiction or behaviour, if the thoughts are becoming difficult to live with, if these problems continue to cause you distress, there is no shame in seeking professional help. You don't have to do this alone.

Remember that chemical imbalances and other neurological issues can cause such things - if you can't manage it alone, that could be a warning sign that something serious or physiological is going on. Not being able to quit doesn't necessarily mean that somebody's "not trying hard enough", and instead of beating yourself up talk to somebody who can do blood tests, scans, or whatever else is necessary to make sure that you're okay and that you overcome your struggles.

~ Vape

[ryodan]

Sasuke and SASUSAKU.

Okay, I just saw this and I’ll humor you. I’ll even make a whole post for you.

@homez18

1)      Whether  Kishimoto said he was good or bad at writing romance is pretty irrelevant here as sasusaku related material made it into 44 of his 72 volumes. And actually, he never said he is bad at writing romance, he said he felt uncomfortable seeing characters he ‘grew’ kiss (Hinata and Naruto) and that he does not understand the hearts of women so he had to consult his editor and wife to write certain SS scenes, which in itself is effort spent. He never said ‘Idk how they got together’ he said he wrote the story with them in the back of his mind wondering how he would make them end up together and just decided to go with the flow.  This is coming from the man who also said in the second board meeting with the Naruto staff that they were end game since their conception as character #5 and #6 respectively, a rival and a heroine added to the story and he thought of making a love triangle thing happen but was like no I probably could not pull that off. So, there goes that argument.

2)      I will mention part 2 ss if you want me to, friend. But, saying SS does not make sense to the character (who I am assuming is sasuke?) and trying to erase part 1 is pretty???? Because a lot of part 2 was focused on getting the Sasuke they loved in part 1 back..a happier more emotionally stable one though.

3)      Part 1 SS is very important because it is the time during the run of the series that featured the most  positive emotional growth and development for sasuke, and a huge part of it was linked to sakura. We start off with this irritable, socially reclusive boy who’s first thought in the series is ‘more people will just drag me down’, and we later learn the reason of this behavior is trauma and survivors guilt which often leads to isolation, repression and irritability. This is not me trying to add psychology to his character arc, all of this is out right shown multiple times on spaced out occasions which reinforces that these are reoccurring thoughts. His fixation on his ‘revenge plot’ was aided by the fact that he was an introverted shy boy (this does not equal wants to be left alone considering he regularly sought acknowledgment) pre massacre and a full blown out isolated mess afterwards. Being alone only allowed him to obsess over revenge further, which no matter how you look at it is not healthy and it was never shown in the series to be healthy.

But anyways, I digress. A lot of him growing positively linked to Sakura. Some of his biggest part 1 moments include fighting orochimaru, awakening his seal and suppressing it (the cursed seal is arguably one  of  the biggest progressions of his character in part 1 as it leads to him being manipulated into leaving the village) and his fight with gara (again, arguably the moment he showed how much he grew as a character with team 7)

4)      Don’t forget. The Curse of Hatred (���しみの呪い, Nikushimi no Noroi) was an ideal common to the Uchiha Clan, the Uchiha are people greatly devoted to love and friendship, yet they tend to conceal their more affectionate traits. When the object of their affection is lost, an Uchiha’s love can instantaneously turn into hatred, leaving them more inclined to do anything and everything in their power to achieve their goals and show their own superiority, regardless of the consequences and repercussions of their actions. The despair of these experiences cause a manifestation of unique chakra within an Uchiha’s brain, impacting the optic nerves and creating the sharingan. This also requires extremely painful experiences, which cause the user to delve into darkness that utterly consumes them.

I won’t bring this up

                        Because this also happens

What I am trying to say is early part one gave a very good set up for who sasuke really is as a person, genuinely pretty empathetic and pure hearted which is easily backed up by the fact that when he was a kid (kishi regularly uses childhood to explain a psyche of a character) despite his inferiority complex growing due to his brother, he was still more concerned with the relationship between his dad and his brother going sour than his own feelings of neglect.

Even so, it was still obvious that he needed to go through some positive development.

The first time we are introduced to Sasuke’s stance in the entire series as an avenger is through his first interactions with sakura, which were literally given romantic context from volume 1 and mentioned again over the entire series and highlighted nearing the finale in volume 70, so yeah pretty relevant.

His isolation and irritability generally made him seem off standoffish but even with that, he took his time out to explain his stance in the story which is a pretty fuckin big deal considering this opening up is something suigetsu complains about in part 2 and jugo struggles to understand him because of. Naruto has to physically pull it out of him, kakashi got it when sasuke was in a very emotionally volatile state and sakura got it with a hug.

Cut to the first mission and his ties with naruto and sakura are established , the rival friend and the girl with the crush he feels some sort of protective affection for.

Moments like these (that make grown ass men cry but get antis panties in a knot) are funny bc when you say that he is comfortable with her touch already someone has to say he just woke up, but homeboy had a bunch of senbon sticking into him like a hedgehog and he still took a moment to call naruto a moron and say he did not want to die before accomplishing revenge.

 So, until this day the person he is most physically comfortable with sakura and we all know how he feels about physical touch haha

After said mission, a very sweet and important scene happens and it highlights a shift in character for sasuke. It’s also the scene my avid sasuke hater friend says ‘the only time that dick did anything nice’. Where after he has a lil salty moment with a naruto who was acting particularly bratty that day gives Sakura the ‘instead of minding me why don’t you practice a jutsu? To be frank with you, your abilities are even less than naruto’s.’ which if after the guy readily jumped in front an attack to protect her you think he is going out of his way to be a dick then that is a pretty faulty assumption. He was being frank, it is what it is. Was it needed to make sakura realize her ass needs to grow up? Yes. Could it have been worded better? Also, yes. Which is why the next scene happens where Sasuke grows more in tune with her and is able to tell she is feeling down. Him being aware of and caring about her personal feelings is a huge step forward  for his character and is pretty much the only time this type of behavior exists from him.

He is being nice, says a huge compliment and look at his little smile, he is satisfied that she is happy. A huge step forward from ‘I don’t care for bonds bc I have revenge!!11!!’

The fight vs rock lee happens and sasuke grows a little more and team 7 has a scene furthering their bonds (added romantic context on sakuras part ofc)

During the chuunin exams ofc they face orochimaru and sasuke over comes something shown right in the beginning of the land of the waves arc : an intense paralyzing fear of strong  opponents with an intense blood lust dating back to the day of the massacre.

 He sees Sakura shaking and his sharingan activates, showing he is worried about her and as they are about to get attacked he forces himself to move (ugoke!) and stabs himself to go get her. Cute moment showing he cares. A lot.

And yet again a huge character moment, when she calls him out on being a coward and for his hypocrisy towards naruto, insulting him frequently yet in the same position naruto was once in and in his mind he immediately flashes  back to the reason he always believed he needed to live : his ‘moral burden’ of killing itachi and for the first time refuses to live tied by the ‘rules’ itachi made for him and over comes that fear and fights. She talk no jutsued sasuke lol

And ofc he gets bitten and seeks physical comfort from her. he initiated that contact with her meaning her presence is comforting to him, a big deal in a moment of such intense agony.

And then the iconic hug scene, where his survivor guilt is shown in his nightmares and his intense feelings of hating himself for not being able to protect him family causing his curse mark to act up and when he wakes up to see sakura hurt, the mark and by extension sasuke under it’s influence heating him up go out of control. (but even then when she expresses worry over him he takes time out to explain his major stance in the entire story yet again, even if I abandon myself to evil on my path I must obtain power)

‘Sakura, iie! omae o kizutsuke ta no wa doidsu da?’

‘Sakura, tell me! Which of them hurt you?’ chosen in the databook by kishi and readers as one of the best scenes because it shows ‘she is now a person he wants to protect and how angry he would get at himself if he could not do it’

Again quoting the databook, Sakuras heart thinking of sasuke devours the wicked power.

And even after this is over homeboy watches over her getting her hair cut, is like ?? at Naruto when he asks about her hair instead of her beat up face. After this, they really became much closer and more in sync, even working together and show casing that they can strategize together.

His resolve of avenging his families death doesn’t magically disappear however and he is still focused on getting stronger hence the little conversation they have, where sakura is worried about him in pain and starts crying, sasuke sees this and is disturbed so he yet again explains his stance in the story to her but funnily enough singles her out (ikura omae demo) as a very special person and says he won’t forgive even her if she takes that away from him. Inside the fight he is sustained by his wet dream (joke)  and the cheer he got from the annoying orange and is able to suppress the curse once again thinking about (his crying fetish) her tears.

And then god damn, they are on a roll here bc the fight with gara happens and sakura jumps in to protect him from a lethal blow and if what happened previously wasn’t enough of an emphasized thing, the love in sakuras eyes #triggers  gara.

And Sasuke gives his little speech telling naruto to save her and essentially that he is about to go off on a suicide mission and knows it’ll probably end here but he is ready to do it because he is not willing to see another precious person to him die right in front of him again. Mind you, this is after he shows again the intensity of his survivor guilt straight up saying the only reason he was ‘allowed to live’ was to carry the moral burden of avenging his clan but at this moment in time the pain of losing someone that precious to him is enough to make him consciously decide he is willing to die and leave all of that behind. This is the biggest difference between this and those scenes in the land of waves arc. Back then, it was show casing his empathy and kindness, my body moves on it’s own and even though I could die and not accomplish my goals which I really want to I cant just let a comrade die in front of me, where as now it’s I know I probably won’t come out of this but then pain of dying and not accomplishing my goals seem less than seeing another person I care so much about die right in front me. Seeing this, naruto realizes the importance of caring and fighting for the people you love and fights gara, teaching him the same values. Important scene overall to the story.

After seeing  naruto go up to par with gara and ‘realizing how helpless’ he was in that fight he was pretty jealous due to feelings of inferiority to naruto, and that jealousy was  partly fueled and thrown in our face twice by seeing sakura smile gently at naruto. Romantic or not, he is jealous of her smiling at naruto, that is undeniable.

And then itachi happens, and that reawakens his intense resolve. It doesn’t help the fact that orochimaru sought him out while extremely emotionally vulnerable. Ofc his petty ass attitude in the hospital scenes was fueled by his feelings of inferiority thrown in his face by the one person he really did not want that from, the same person who made him feel inferior as a child. And again to add heat to the burn, he remembers the smile and the plate thing happens.I see a lot of anti sasuke people talking about his scene pretending that when i say inferiority complex while talking about sasuke i mean something stemming from lack of acknowledgment from his dad, from being weaker than itachi and not able to protect his family, for having itachi be like i am here for naruto idc about you after everything. Not, oh man naruto seems better than me :/ gotta start shit :/

Oh right the hug when he wakes up. Again, people claim he was tired and traumatized, which he was, But the look he gave her for caring about him so much was very tender and it did not go unnoticed to nardo.

He ofc gets manipulated by the sound 4 and we are shown how emotionally attached he is to team 7

And the confession scene happens where sakura just desperately gives him promise after promise of making him happy and it isn’t just because she wants him there but also she doesn’t want to see her loved one torment and hurt himself over revenge, but it is more than revenge to sasuke it’s a moral burden, (he has a right to want to avenge his family from their murderer from a moral stand point) and that is what he kept trying to communicate to both her and kakashi. He doesn’t allow her to come because just as we saw with team taka, he isn’t willing to let anyone shoulder what he believes to be his personal pain and burden, specially not someone so special. And when she cries over him leaving and the fact that she believed for a second that he doesn’t care and forgot all of their meaningful interactions he turns around and says annoying, but with a smile this time.

That thank you meant a lot, man. It was not just a thank you for saying I love you.

Sasuke fights naruto to obtain the mangekyo by killing his best friend but then realizes last moment that he being manipulated by his brother and snaps out of it, refusing to kill such a close person.

Sasuke’s encounter with team 7 early part was pretty significant in developing naruto and sakuras friendship as 2 comrades who share the pain of their dear friend gone from their lives, but it also explains sasukes psychological point of view. After having his resolved awakened to a point of obsession again and realizing that there was a time in his life where he cared about other people to the point of giving up that goal, he decides to cut off his bonds with them.

The ‘attack’ on naruto was again for the mangekyo, and sakuras ass would have come out unscathed if she didn’t go all ‘gotta stop this hoe he out here hurting my pals’  but he was hurting her pals and stabbing people ofc she wouldn’t be like yas baby go. He pulls out his sword in defense but yamato ends up getting stabbed, my poor wood boy.

Sasuke takes down orochimaru because in  his constructed moral everything that relates to itachi is bad and senseless killing and torturing( at that time) registered in his head as an itachi thing, which only made his already strong moral code tingle with a strong feeling of ‘im going to take you down you sick son of a bitch, and ill make a bible reference while I am at it’

The lil hawk takes flight and assembles Taka, showing again, a strong moral sense when he says he isn’t going to take anyone by force and he even sets orochimarus captives free. Sasuke is shown to care for Takas safety on multiple occasions but it’s the biggest insult his character receives when people look at him with fan goggles to monopolize him as if he is a cold hearted sadist who only cares for a few people when he is a very selfless, empathetic person. On a personal level though, he did not know their last names, nor did he ask about their history as captives (except for jugo..for obv reasons) so I would not exactly call that emotional investment. But I do think something was there, like they were a hella good team in combat. However,they noticed him going ‘dark’ and never tried to help or stop him so I cant call it a friendship, but I can’t deny it was a team.

After the fight with itachi he is again very emotionally vulnerable and obito hops on his dick to manipulate him, and it works significantly well because sasuke ends up seeing the ENTIRE leaf village as responsible for killing his family after they discriminated against them, and while that might be a wrong train of thought since most people in Konoha are innocent (ten tens worst crime is how little screen time that cutie has), in his now much more jaded, cynical mind it makes a whole lot of sense since it now seems like konoha killed them for their personal benefit and are dancing on their uchiha graves by pretending it never happened and that they never placed the burden of an entire world war on his brothers shoulders.  Everyone is guilty. Everyone is laughing at their deaths. I am a little unstable. I am also a victim. Not to say he isn’t held accountable for his actions because he is a victim but a lot of his character arc and decisions make sense and tie in with his suffering …people going ‘bad’ because of their victimhood is not a new concept you see it with bullies all the time and that is why its important to grasp the situation by the balls and end the circumstance that creates such victims. He also awakens his mangekyo sharingan, meaning he is slowly stepping further into the curse of hatred.

They go to retrieve bee and its shown that he has yet to lose all logical moral reasoning because he still cares for takas safety even though he has declared to crush the leaf, meaning he hates only the leaf atm..all of his concentrated itachi hatred redirected. But he falls a little morally when he captures innocent ass bee and attacks the cloud. That shit was uncalled for, but he was trying to further his plans. I mean suna attacked konoha and its all good in the hood so we could chill. But it wasn’t right.

Ofc however during the bee arc sasuke uses his power that is obtainable through an emotionally driven doujutsu by having an image of team 7 on his mind as he was made to remember when he sees people showing genuine care about him. No matter how far he slipped, seven was always there. Right there, in part 2. The only time sasuke remembers team  7 in a positive light (otherwise he just wants to kill naruto because he stands in the way of his plans) includes sakura and kakashi. You cant argue he doesn’t care cause???

In the 5 kage summit arc a new falling rapidly into the curse of hatred sasuke makes the leap in logic that if his brother who he saw as a good person now, and Konoha which he previously thought to be good could kill on multiple occasions then killing is no longer an off the table option anymore and he warns those samurai before doing the doodly do. He is a bit out of character here, but his change in mind set made him 180. Its an interesting shift in character for a kid whos empathy and moral high ground kept him on the fence of killing in a series where a teacher tells 12 year old kids to come at him with the intent if killing. He seeks out danzo and this is where his motives and pain come into full display  ‘sono migiude teni ireru tameni nanin no uchiha o teni kaketa?’ ‘how many uchihas did you take down in order to get that right arm’

His driving force for his emotions and suffering are lost bonds and a moral burden he still sees himself accountable for.

Ofc this fight features his full descend into the darknes when he stabs Karin and generally looks beyond mentally unstable, this is where his character even though distorted before, goes through a gross distortion where he seems maniacal and just not there. This is bc as an uchiha, the more emotional pain he feels the more hatred he feels ,and the more he uses magic eye level 2.0, the more he loses himself.

Sakura somewhere out there doesn’t know the truth about itachi so sasuke is just acting like a dick wad and attacking innocent villages to her, and to avoid anyone getting hurt, physically or emotionally she burdens herself with killing him in order to save him from going darker. ‘oh but she gave up on him!!111!!!’ like, kakashi did the same thing for obito and at this point her logical order isn’t flawed. Sasuke was by definition an S ranked internationally wanted criminal attacking villages and peace meetings, falling rapidly into a darkness that his past self wouldn’t approve of  and he was getting hunted by every hoe in every country who wanted his ass dead. At least sakura (who again, did not know his reasons and you cant blame her for not knowing) did it to protect the empathetic boy who wouldn’t do something as senseless as attack an innocent man and aid a terrorist organization and to protect naruto emotionally and physically from akatsuki as well as ensure no one gets hurt from him as he is strong. In no way is it her way of being selfish, considering the language she used insinuated she was willing to die right there and then with him. The mission was a complete failure from the start bc hoe can’t kill him and if you truly think she could, I pray for you to find the light.

She shows up ofc and homeboy is suspicious right away, like I know u well enough what u plotting yo?? He knows from the get go shes out here for murder and he goes behind her and almost chidoris her. The factors that go into play here are 1) curse of hatred. 2) she is out for murder, he knows it and turns the table. It’s a low moment for him but that’s the whole purpose behind the scene. The fact that he went behind in the first attack of The Day ™ even though he probably knew he could take her down if he wanted to showed that he still isn’t able to attack face first. That’s not me romanticizing that scene bc ew, but it’s the truth. The look on his face is also not that of the most stable person. Second attack is purely in self defense and he has fallen to the point where he could do it from the front. Naruto shows up and his face shows he knows he done fucked up.

Naruto declares that you are my friend ™ (aaah ano hi no yume..) after sasuke yet again shows how far hes fallen due to the curse, pain and obitos brain washing by some good ol’ evil laughter, shouting he will turn peoples laughter into ‘screams and moans’ (how..awful sounding..to have sasuke make you scream and moan..jokejoke) and sasuke is like fuck u shit how dare u CARE about me ? Stop. And again naruto declares he will stop him and help him to which sasuke pulls an I-listen-to-my chemical romance and bring me the horizon- you don’t understand me!! And although affected by naruto still calling him a friend after all of this, he ends up getting also annoyed by Naruto trying to stop him and leaves thinking give me magic eye level 3.0 I want to kill Missy Elliot in her orange jump suit bc she thinks she will stop me by being my friend. How do I feel about what Naruto said to him that day? Personally, I think he missed the moral perspective of sasuke going crazy (he knew the truth) but he was coming from the right place. They all were. They just wanted him to stop suffering, all of them willed to die with him.

And thus begins their cute chase. Will Naruto fight sasuke first and save him? OR will sasuke kill him first so his ninja jesus light doesn’t stop his plans? Are they going to die together? So much to think about.

Sasuke gets his much deserved confrontation with itachi during the war and this is the healthiest time for them. Itachi no longer sheltered sasuke in a way that was poisonous for the both of them and sasuke asked the questions he deserved answers for. He got them, and an I love you all wrapped with a bow of existential crisis because after the fight with Kabuto, he sees his brother still doing his best for the leaf, still believing kabuto -an evil hoe- could change for the better. And he asks why such a ‘perfect’ person as itachi would still associate with shit like this and itachi is like dude I think you missed the part where I killed your family, tortured and manipulated you. I am not perfect, and neither is the dark world we live in but let me tell you some solid advice  that correlates with the star hax of the arc, the beautiful jutsu that makes no sense : Izanami. The past may be shitty, and we could either run around in an infinite loop suffering because of it, or we could chose to break free, accept what happened and change the future instead of doting on the past. Sasuke is like k cool man I get u but what next? ur jesus talk no jutsu ability is impressive but now I am questioning everything. What do I change? What is right and wrong? What is a village? What is a shinobi? I may not know now, but when I become supreme lord of everything, ill know then haha.

To answer these questions he goes to the One Who Knoweth All, the master of snakes-voldermort with a nose, and revives the kage who basically tell him yeah dude listen our history was fucked, apparently now is fucked, conflict always arises in every age and time its like madara said- you can never look into someones gut.But like maybe the new young generation can deal with it?? deal with ur own fucked up economy, suzan. He also finds out more about why the uchiha were so feared (madara, sharingan, tobirama the little shit, a sticky messy situation kishimoto why are u like this)and Donald trump (tobirama) tells him ur bad bc u love too much tf is wrong with u and sasuke was like fix ur fucking face tattoo u discriminatory bitch. Sasuke comes to the conclusion that he is now a renewed konoha fanboy ‘I wont let this village or my brother go to waste!11!’ because he realizes yeah man history is fucked and I want to change that so no other kid ends up in a situation like mine, full of pain, anger and blind hate.

Shows up on the battlefield, (Sakura, ka? ) and engages in some eye sex with sakura while ignoring others and declares yoyo idc bout what u think of me losers, imma be president. And naruto was like um imma let u finish but im gonna be the greatest hokage of ALL TIME (about that…anyways) . and ensues some team 7 and some naruto and sasuke being the iconic duo they are. It is important remember however, sasuke was at the moment in process of truly cutting all bonds, ensuring he is hated and fully immersing himself into the shadows. Although he is the first to react when sakura is attacked, warns her and kakashi multiple times so they don’t get hurt, saves them from infinite tsukiyomi and double checks on them in the Kaguya dimension, he pretends that like uh idc whatever I don’t care u guys cant even do much, I saved naruto because without him the world would end and u were just there so I saved you

to which naruto calls bullshit and sasuke is like ‘ur ruining my reputation as a heartless bitch’ ah brings back memories..of sasuke pretending to be a heartless bitch.

But like, he could not let her hit the floor so I am sure her hitting lava was a no-no. That moment happens, it was nice. Thank u, for that, kishimoto. And he even says ‘okagede todoita’ ‘thanks to you, I reached’ , nice moment.

After kaguya is over, they even exchange smiles. But nah, sakura, still in tune with sasuke as ever was right not to trust him 100% bc he pulls a IM GOING TO BE SUPREME WORLD LEADER, START A REVOLUTION, KILL THE 5 KAGES AND CAST THE WORLD INTO A NEW FUTURE. I fully support sasuke wanting to change the world that caused people like him, itachi, naruto, nagato, madara, obito, neji etc etc so much pain. I fully support revolution. I don’t want him to kill the 5 kages, but they really aren’t innocent so I understand where he is coming from. Him wanting to put the entire weight of hatred on himself is pretty selfless. It pains me (and naruto) seeing him say he is alone and willing and ready to bear hatred. All of that is valid but see :

dictator

noun

1.    a ruler with total power over a country, typically one who has obtained control by force.

Synonyms:

Autocrat, monocrat, absolute ruler

How a dictatorship works : Dictatorship is a form of government  where a country or a group of countries is ruled by one person or political entity, and exercised through various mechanisms to ensure that the entity’s power remains strong

A dictatorship is a type of Authoritarianism, in which politicians regulate nearly every aspect of the public and private behavior of citizens. Dictatorship and totalitarianism societies generally employ political propaganda to decrease the influence of proponents of alternative governing systems.

Examples of dictators :

·         Adolf Hitler ,dictator of Germany from 1933 to 1945, and Benito Mussolini ,dictator of Italy from 1922 to 1943.

·         Julius Caesar, dictator of Rome.

·         Joseph Stalin, dictator of the Soviet Union from 1929 to 1953.

Sasukes plans :

So, while I do support him wanting change, I don’t think his method was right. Not for the world and not for him and the only person who could communicate that to a boy who is at his core is just lonely, is a boy who was equally lonely but learned the value of comradeship, unity and love. He saw it’s ability to bring about great, good change and he believed he wanted that to continue and not sasukes self destructive autocratic plans.

Anyways, sakura begs him not to slip any further, says that she knows he is in pain but she doesn’t want him suffering any longer but she cant fight him physically like naruto, neither can she convince him to stay even though she loves him so much, however she tries one last time again, hoping maybe his hoe ass will agree that unity is better than separation and sasuke is affected as hell. He shakes, showing once again he is the boy who cares about the people he loves too much.

Gave her a look that would have looked like this without the rinnegan, because he does not want to be alone and anyone who says that is a jackass

She is an annoyance because for a faltering second, she can still after all this time, in part 2 weaken his resolve.

He shows her the genjutsu of him killing her to seal the deal and ensure she hates him, but I doubt he would have ever been able to physically harm her after his head cleared up a bit. A bit.

Kakashi scolds him saying she doesn’t deserve this when all she did was try to help you. literal Japanese translation, Sasuke says ‘ are you suggesting I enjoy ‘renai’’ quite literally ‘romantic love’ in Japanese. He acknowledged the romantic context of their relationship himself. Then he goes on, and I translate literally again ‘I have no reason to love her and she has no reason to love me’, and kakashi calls bullshit by basically stating sasuke, love is not something you have to look for a reason for. The thing you do need excuses and reasons to fill your life with though, is hatred. She is not trying to make you ‘her thing’, she wants to help you no matter how much bad you’ve done her because she loves you so much it makes her suffer. AND IMMEDIATELY he flashes back to the purest love he knows, the love that he never sat down and tried to reason with, the love that caused him suffering. His love for his family. ‘perhaps those are ties to a failed past’..and goes on to kill Naruto bc he is the last friend who will stand in his way.

Hagoromo basically confirms ss will happen when it shots to sakuras face saying ‘love turned to hate’ then kakashi asks ‘so like sasuke is a lost cause?’ hagoromo says ‘not at all I hope naruto and sasuke break the cycle of hate’ then it pans to sasuke saying ‘I hope  hate turns to love’ and since this is a shonen, ofc it did.

Naruto and sasukes fight communicates all of their feelings and experiences and no matter how stubbornly sasuke insists on being alone, naruto is like no bitch I know what that’s like and I refuse to let my brother (from another mother) go through that eternally. And boom bada bim, it took an arm but he got free from the curse of hatred, and they broke the cycle. Sasuke then goes on to say how he always admired naruto to a point where it gave him an inferiority complex, just like itachi. He had a strong will and a power source unknown to sasuke. But one thing he finally fucking learned, is wait yeah man when we were on the same time and you became my comrade I felt your pain too. I saw you guys as my family- fuck right shit the sharing of pain and enduring it together until it comes to pass. That is what I learned from team 7, that is where your source of power comes from and you know what I accept that you learned it a lot earlier than I did. It’s my loss. Naruto is like if ur hoe ass don’t stop with this emo shit ill beat u up again bc YOURE MY FRIEND AAAH and sasuke finally god damn gets what naruto meant by that and the realization that the love he starved for all his life was right there waiting for him to accept it was so earth shattering to him that he cried. Blood connected, pain shared, bond reformed and sasuke wanted to start over. Which is why when he realizes what was meant by sakura loves you so much that seeing you suffer makes her suffer was she loves you unconditionally he fucking asked for that beautiful bond again. After all this mess, there is a reason he apologized only to her. She couldn’t do much for him because she isn’t as strong as he is, but her love was pure and selfless and all she ever wanted for him was happiness and he apologizes for not getting that earlier, for his mistreatment in the war, for the land of iron, for ‘everything up until now’.

We don’t know what happened in the blank period, but all we know is they spent some time together. And he is about to go on a redemption journey, again his own moral

burden but this time it’s to start fresh and check some kaguya traces that worry him. Sakura is all like k but can I come, and he tells her frankly girl no ur too pure for what I did, lemme deal with this first. ‘Mata condo na’ is different from itachis ‘mata condo da’, theyre both delaying something, but the difference with na is that is is definite promise of something inevitable. The forehead poke means the world to sasuke, both the negatives and the positives that came with it and he let it’s legacy carry on but in a positive light. This is a promise of a better tomorrow together, where I am ready and think I am in a position where I completely understand the world without being manipulated or full of hate.(he was so easily manipulated when because he was always kept away from the truth so he had no footing to base thing off) that happens, I’ll be back for you, and that is inevitable. I want this, but on amicable, better terms. And fuck, that happens. Sasuke learned the answer to his question by the end of the series and the final blow of logic was thanks to naruto- a ninja is one who endures until things come to pass. The sharing of pain can be applied to greater things.

He would have to endure a little longer before his redemption comes to pass.By shinden sasuke walks around the best human being, helping people, doing a talk no jutsu, worrying about Konoha but he isn’t sure if he shows up there it would be completely safe from people after him or if everyone is ready to welcome him back and at the end of the novel he receives a letter from naruto that’s like sup yo come back homie I miss ur emo ass also sakura was like ooh hes protecting the village from the outside like a police officer!!11! And sasuke flashes back to his dreams when he was younger and says ‘I guess I should head home’, basically this bitch came back for sakura, and sakuras hiden concludes with him showing up home after he took down the people on the outside of root to come save her (lol but his wife is not a weak woman) and seeing her saying ‘I am home, Sakura.’ ‘Welcome home, Sasuke-kun.’

They travel together probably fucking under stars and shit, got married, had a baby and raised her until Naruto became hokage and sasuke took up a mission only he could do bc he has rinnegan. Obviously this fucking hurt him and he was miserable about it considering he finally gets a family and hes walking his baby girl with his wife one day and the next fate is like ok but if the world ends in 2 minutes and they both like die along with the rest of planet earth haha sasuke I like to shit on ur life. But as he and sakura said it he took up the mission for the future to remain bright and because sakura and sarada are very precious to him. Sakura wasn’t allowed to give out any potentially dangerous information as this mission was top secret so she would avoid questions but still gave her daughter the basic run down ‘vv important he loves u k that’s all I can say’ and she was in general a great mother, shown to be caring, reveal what she could and take care of her sick baby. Sasukes mistake was even though he was doing it for his family, he failed to realize that his daughter still wanted him there. That is why he apologized and told sakura that this mess is not on her.The baby mama drama happens and sakura is like leave it to the child of the man who wanted to be ninja hitler to think she has a different mom bc she wears glasses and jump to 30 conclusions about her dad and I’s relationship, which I’d like to mention gaiden has no ss marriage issues. Sakura and Sasukes bond lives, their feelings are connected, their thoughts and feelings reach each other, they both greatly love and respect each other.. gaiden was about saradas adventure in whys my dad such a jerk and holy shit is this woman my mom land. As it goes on she sees her parents interact, sees the love and respect, the depth of the bond between them and is shown smiling, touched by that. She gets her verification of love and the importance of the mission and why it was done by the end of gaiden, and she even gets a forehead poke (try and make it negative but it gave her tears of joy) and a hug. + a cute ass family photo that she stares at and thinks how her family shares a true link of love. He tries his best to spend time with his family despite such an important mission waiting for him and he promises more if he can. I will defend papa-suke until I fuckin die bc from what we are shown he is a deeply caring dad who actually makes sure his child is happy. And if you are pressed about him leaving without kissing her sakura herself says an expression that means he Is teasing me by making me wait, and like sasuke is a reserved ass boy who grew up very traditionally Japanese, he isn’t about to make out with her on public. He does leave however with a smirk on his face (lil shit is happy he saw his wife and teased her) and a bento (not just a boxed lunch..its made with love by someone very special to you –sarada my bb) in his hand. By boruto he comes in time for the chuunin exams and the light novel literally says sakura has been gleaming and glossing since he came back, a Japanese expression for having lots of sex so the wait was worth it. Boruto defeats Momoshiki in 2 minutes like the op bitch he is and hallelujah sasuke is back with his family and everyone is smiling and happy and loved up. Sasuke looks over his child and student with a gentle smile that he only shows sakura (light novel written by kishi), they stand with each other just watching over their baby girl how cute.

Sasukes character is complex but if you sit down and try to understand him before running your mouth, he is easy to understand. Kishimoto does not owe you shit, he worked hard, he put his work forward and that is it. criticize his work or the dude but don’t pretend to understand a character you misinterpreted better than the author. Sakura was always relevant. This is a little SS input into the character of sasuke. If you need anything else i own most of the series (even tho i got lazy to keep taking pictures lol) and i am pretty fluent in japanese, so come to me if you need anything else. Bye.

[sweetnestor]

Story of Another Us | Week 7, Part 1

university au, platonic af, now on ao3!

this is the point where we (I, the lazy author) start skipping weeks, so donut fret for not finding weeks 5 and 6 bc they donut exist :)

previous chapter

Tell me if you wanted it at all

“Let me hear you,” Jack said.

I remained quiet, my face beet red.

“Come on, Bellers,” he coaxed.

“I don’t sing in front of people!” I blurted out, tangling my fingers together nervously.

“You sing in front of me!” interjected Mark, who was sat next to Jack on the sofa.

I hesitated. “B-But that’s different…”

“No, you always want someone to hear you sing before you post it on your channel!” he told me. “And it’s just me and Jack, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

I looked down at my keyboard. I was excited to sing for them earlier, but then the time came and I got cold feet. One of the few things I was proud of about myself was my ability to sing. I had perfect pitch since I took classes as a child. I could sing big vocals like it was nothing, high notes came easy to me. It was just intimidating every time someone heard me sing. I was being watched and judged and I was never good under that kind of stress.

But it was just Mark and Jack. I shouldn’t have been so nervous, but I was always nervous. I inhaled deeply and played the first few notes of the song I had chosen.

“I can still taste the ocean, like it was today…

You said ‘please keep on holding my hands’ and the rain it came too soon,

I will wait for you to love me again”

I kept my eyes on my fingers pressing the keys. In all honesty, I only wanted to sing this particular song to Mark because it made me think of him. I figured I would hint at it in the description box if I decided to be brave.

“Guess I was running from something, I was running back to you…”

Have you ever listened to a song and you just wanted to live in it? Or inject it into your veins? I had strong feelings when I heard this song, feelings similar to when I realized I really loved my boyfriend.

I took a quick glance at the two guys. They both had matching grins on their faces. I kept singing, slowly detaching myself from reality and getting lost in the music. And then came my favorite line:

“The darkest night never felt so bright with you by my side…”

That particular line always made me emotional. I was full of darkness, I was negative. But I had Mark, and he was my light in this mess that was my life. I hadn’t realized how down I was until I wasn’t really there anymore. I didn’t expect him to “heal” or “fix” me, I just needed his help.

“What did I tell you?” he said to Jack when I had finished. “She’s incredible, right?”

My face went back to red.

“Yes, she is!” Jack agreed. “You’re really talented, Bella!”

“Thank you,” I responded.

“They’re going to love you,” Mark told me.

The next time I sang Outer Space, I had my camera on. I did it one take and just uploaded the video. I did covers every now and again on my channel. Those, along with the occasional daily vlogs, were insanely popular compared to my makeup tutorials/rants.

Mark went back to his house after I posted my video. He was always busy with whatever projects he had going on. He was script writing, preparing sketches with Matt and Ryan, editing videos, and slowly but surely working on a tour. That was mainly why I barely saw him these days, even when I stayed at his house. The only reason why it didn’t bother me that much was because I had Jack to keep me company.

Once I thought of that, it dawned on me that he wasn’t going to be here permanently. The semester ends in May, then he would be going back to Ireland. What would I do then? He was the only friend I had. I never realized how alone I was until he came along. I had fun with him. He was slowly taking me out of my shell.

I mean, yes, I had Mark. But like I said, he was always busy, and it’s considered “healthy” and “normal” to have other friends besides your boyfriend. I didn’t know what I was going to do when I was alone again.

What did I do to distract myself from my future of crippling loneliness? I isolated myself in my bathroom and washed my collection of makeup brushes. When you’re a socially anxious makeup artist who uses online shopping as a coping mechanism, that takes up a lot of time. I had barely gotten through one brand of brushes before I heard footsteps out in my room.

“Baller!” Jack called. That’s a new one.

“In here!” I replied, reached over from the sink to open the door.

He came over and saw me, tilting his head. “What are you doing?”

“Washing brushes,” I said.

“All of those?” he asked in surprise, pointing to the giant pile on the counter.

I shrugged. “I’ve been putting off cleaning them.”

“Do you need help? Looks like you’re going to be here a while.”

“Sure, if you’re not busy.”

He happily approached the counter and stood next to me by the sink. I handed him a dirty brush and showed him how to properly wash it. It was simple, and now that there were two of us doing, things were getting done faster.

“So, what got you into makeup?” he prompted after a while. “Why do you like it so much?”

Oh man.

“Are you sure you wanna hear that story?” I asked in response.

“Yes!”

I sighed. This was a tough subject. “To put it shortly, there was a point in my life where everything sucked. I mean, there’s been plenty of times where everything sucked, but this one was pretty bad. I just wanted to feel good about something, so I bought a cheap little eyeshadow palette and wore that whenever I was down. Of course, that expanded and escalated, and here I am now.”

Jack nodded. “So you wear makeup when you’re sad?”

“I used to. But now I do it because I love it and it’s fun. I actually went to beauty school and everything, but I never finished it because of YouTube.”

“Well, that’s cool.” Jack put one brush aside and picked up another. “I didn’t know it was personal, by the way, I’m sorry if I was prying or anything.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ve wanted to make a video on why I got into makeup for a long time since I never talked about it, but I don’t want to seem depressing. Like… I want something like that to be helpful instead of just sharing my sob story.”

“It must be really serious then. Don’t worry about how you’ll sound. If you think you need to talk about it, then do it. If you think it’ll help someone, that’s even better.”

It was itching at me now that I had spoken out loud about it. I had never talked about this with anyone. Not Mark, not even my therapist. It was like a crying fit stuck in my throat and it refused to come out. Not that I particularly wanted it to, anyway.

“I’m still thinking about it,” I  concluded.

“Well, no matter what you decide,” Jack said, “you have my support.”

“Thank you.”

He was so easy to talk to. I was fighting myself not to just spill everything out and burden him with the things that I’ve done. I couldn’t expose him to how bad I really was, and I really didn’t want to tell him something that I couldn’t even tell to my boyfriend.

Ironically, Jack asked if Mark knew this deep, dark story, and I said no. I hadn’t told anyone.

“Do you think you need to talk about it?”

“Yeah, but not anytime soon.”

“Should I be worried?”

“No. It’s a thing of the past.”

~

Exams and midterms still took place. It was mainly for the students transferring to actual universities after YTU closed for good, but everybody attending still had to take them. I was never good at studying, or good at school in general, but I managed to get by.

One of my classes, English, required group work, and that was a nightmare. I was interacting with others, but I still remained friendless. My yoga class sometimes involved partner poses, but I had Jack there to help me. That was probably one reason why we got closer.

But alas, Jack was leaving soon and then things won’t be the same anymore. I had Sophie - kind of - she was more of an acquaintance. She would mostly talk and I would listen. She had plenty of other friends, and her best friend, who I had in my yoga class. I was easily replaceable.

I had Mark too, but he was spreading himself thin lately. As much as he denied it, he was slowly stressing himself out. I would try to help him, but I was afraid of making him snap. He was just busy all the time, practically leaving me alone with Jack. Maybe that was another reason I got close to him. But that’s what Mark wanted, right? He wanted me to have at least one friend so that way, he didn’t have to worry or feel guilty that he was away from me all the time. That wasn’t a bad thing, I did need friendship.

It was a typical warm day… well, it wasn’t warm to me. Jack was a bit miserable, claiming it was “hot as fucking balls.”

“This is nothing compared to the summertime,” I told him, amused. “In my hometown, it’s all desert, so you’d get the dryest heat of your life. Oh, and during the spring, it’s so windy that you’re pretty much eating dirt.”

We were both out of class early due to exams. We had extra time to kill. It was nearing five o’clock and the campus was particularly barren. I didn’t have any videos to film today, and Jack liked to film well into the night.

“Can we go to the Tube?” he asked. “I heard it’s good.”

“Really?” I asked in response, my stomach immediately flipping over.

The Tube was a diner/bar specifically for vloggers, and it was connected with the university. I had only been there once, and I ended up having a panic attack in the bathroom. That was the last time I went to a restaurant… until I started dating Mark.

“Yeah, I’ve never been there! Please?” Jack asked, giving me and exaggerated pout.

I had to give in. I didn’t want to ruin everything, even if it meant sacrificing my own comfort and mental health. We walked down the street to the diner, my jaw clenched shut from the nerves.

Jack went to order us drinks while I found us a booth. It wasn’t particularly busy today, but there were intimidating vloggers scattered here and there. Some of them were looking at Jack, who was far more known and respected than I was.

He came over to the booth with two beers and sat across from me. “I don’t know what you like, so I went with Coors.”

“That’s fine,” I said, accepting the bottle and taking a gulp. Alcohol helped me relax in social situations. “I actually don’t drink that much.” Because I never go outside, therefore I had no reason to cope-drink.

“How come?” he asked. “You strike me as someone who does shots and cocktails.”

I shook my head, chuckling a little. “Nope. The idea that a liquid can impair your thoughts and actions is a bit terrifying.” Yet it’s one of your maladaptive behaviors. Okay then, Bella.

Jack rolled his eyes, amused. “Are you a lightweight, Bellers?”

I was embarrassed by that little fact for some reason. “No…”

“Chug your beer, then.”

“iChale! No way!”

“Come on! I’ll do it with you! Look!” Without missing a beat, Jack took his own bottle and began to down it.

Fuck it. This bout of nerves and anxiety wasn’t going to go down by itself. I tipped down my beverage, though I didn’t feel any different once I finished it. Beer never really did it for me, I needed something stronger.

“You drunk yet?” Jack jokingly asked when he put down his empty bottle.

“It’s gonna take more than that, mijito,” I said back.

At one point, a waiter came by and replaced our drinks with new ones. Jack ordered some food as well, and we got settled in.

“So, how’d you meet Signe?” I asked.

“She made some art of me, and I started talking to her on Tumblr,” he replied. “There was this time where she was streaming, she was drawing a picture of me. I went onto the stream and watched a little bit, and I told her ‘you better draw me pretty.’ She told me to go fuck myself.”

I giggled. “How romantic.”

“Yeah… I really miss her.” He took another sip of his beer. “How did you and Mark meet?”

“It was here at YTU. We had some classes together, and we were partnered together on a project,” I said. “And you know me, I was super quiet and awkward. Except, when he tried to make conversation with me, I did not want to cooperate.”

“Same old Bella,” Jack commented, smiling. “So you were friends before you started dating?”

“Yeah, we only started dating in October, but we’re pretty close.”

“Do you not drink because he can’t?”

“It’s a personal choice. You’d think with all the shit I have in here-” I pointed to my head “-I’d be a raging alcoholic. But no.”

“That makes you a very strong person. I respect that.”

I smiled. “Thanks, dude! Wanna do a shot or two?”

“Sure!”

When the waiter came with our food, I managed to order two tequila shots. One bright side of my drinking-in-social-situations habit, I could do things on my own without shaking as much. However, I was still too polite and shy to say anything when we were presented with a whole plate of tequila shots.

Jack was giggling once the waiter had gone. “Is this what you ordered?”

I hesitated. “I did say a shot or two…”

“Oh, tiny little Baller. Ready?” He took one small glass and held it up.

I took a deep breath and held up my own. “Let’s do this. To… friendship?”

“To friendship!”

And down went the first shot.

It burned my throat, but not enough to make me want to throw it back up. It just made me want to drink more. I was feeling better and more free as the alcohol set into my system. More people entered the diner, and I wasn’t plagued with the urge to hide in the bathroom. But if I did feel that, then I had more tequila to help me out with that.

I looked through my phone at one point, some time after emptying two more shot glasses. I was making sure I didn’t receive any texts from Mark. As usual, I had no new notifications, so I scrolled on Tumblr, and my heart began to burst.

“Jack,” I said urgently. “I need to tell you something.”

“Tell me,” he replied, leaning forward in his seat. His cheeks were flushed.

“You fans are so fucking nice, dude. I love them.”

“I know! Thank you! They’re being nice to you?”

“They’re drawing fanart, and they say my makeup is pretty!” I could have cried in that moment. “They also have this funny idea that we should be together.”

“That's called shipping,” Jack pointed out.

“I know, I'm just thinking,” I said, “maybe the shippers are going to my head or something.” I hesitated. “Do you think if you didn't have Signe, and I didn't have Mark, that we…” I let my sentence finish itself.

He actually considered it, looking at his empty shot glass with a lot of thought. “I don't know. I can't imagine myself with anyone but Signe. You and me? Maybe… in another life probably.”

“Another story,” I added. “Una historia de otros nosotros.”

“I'm going to pretend like I understood that.” Jack chuckled. “Do you actually think we could work?”

I shrugged. “Maybe. I mean, we're complete opposites, but maybe that's not a bad thing. You bring out my happy, energetic side, and I…”

“You teach me how to shut the fuck up,” Jack continued. “No but really, you taught me more about anxiety.”

“You make me want to be a better person,” I said, my words slurring a little bit. “You’ve made me feel less lonely. God, you're such a nice, good person Jack! I don't deserve a friend like you!”

“Aw, you're so sweet, Baller!” he replied. “I'm glad we're friends on some level, y'know? Sure, in another story we could be more than that, but I'm happy where we are right now. Besties, and nothing more.”

“Exactly! We should get bracelets or something...” I could have cried, this was such a nice moment. I really did love Jack, as much as you can love a good friend.

“If you and Mark ever break up, I'm still hanging out with you,” he said. “That's how close I think we are.”

“Bros before hoes doesn't apply to me?”

“You're a bro! The best bro, queen of the bros!”

“You sound like Felix.” I giggled.

“Maybe that's a sign we've had too much to drink. Let's call someone, shall we?”

“Yeah, let’s do it.” I pulled out my phone, somehow managing to dial Mark.

“Bellaboo!” he greeted upon answering.

“Hi Markimoo!” I greeted back, giggling like a little girl. “My love, my life, my wife!”

He chuckled on the other line. “Where are you?”

“Me and the Jack decided to have special friend time,” I explained. “We’re having fun, but maybe too much fun. There was tequila involved.”

“Oh, I understand. Can you drive, babe?”

Everything he was saying was funny. “I don’t think so. Could you be the bestest, sweetest person ever and pick us up? Estamos cerca del universidad, si sabes?”

“English, honey,” he told me.

“Y’know that one bar, restaurant, thing by campus? That’s where you’ll find me and my son.”

“Jack is your son now?” Mark laughed.

“Yes, I adopted him, and we’re raising him together! Right, Jack?”

“Right!” he replied even though he didn’t hear what me and Mark were talking about.

“Okay, I’ll be right there, baby,” Mark told me.

“Thank yooouu, I love yoouu,” I sang before hanging up.

_______

next chapter

[smokeblooded-blog1]

REALLY LONG  CHARACTER  SURVEY.  RULES.  repost ,   don’t  reblog  !    tag  10  ! good  luck  !  TAGGED.  i took it from myself bc i was bored  TAGGING. spiritmiinded, soughtdawn, clandestinesque, spyblooded, starveincd, pastryblooded, and anyone else who wants to do it who hasnt already

BASICS.

FULL  NAME :  jean otus NICKNAME :  the cigarette peddler / receiver depending on the translation, the cigaretter receiver jean AGE :  thirty BIRTHDAY :  unknown ETHNIC  GROUP :  white NATIONALITY :  german (? subject to change) LANGUAGE / S : english, japanese, german SEXUAL  ORIENTATION :  bisexual ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION : biromantic RELATIONSHIP  STATUS :  verse dependent, canonically single HOME  TOWN / AREA :  born in the Bādon district of the country (at the beak of the bird) CURRENT  HOME : he currently still lives in Bādon in a large apartment complex (he lives on the top floor, but only because he and his sister manage the building) PROFESSION :  second in command at the ACCA inspections department

PHYSICAL.

SKIN : fair skin that is scarless for the most part, no acne or notable blemishes except for some small birthmarks of no particular shape on his lower back EYES:  sky blue; the perfect blue color. they are often shaped in a tired, disinterested look of a poker face, but when smiling the softness is shown through them the most. more emotion can be seen through jean’s eyes than any other feature on him FACE :  his face is rather long for the most part, not a baby face in any form, but it doesnt look scrawny or make him look sickly either. he has a longer nose as well that is more lengthy on the bridge than the point itself LIPS :   arent particularly special. theyre not too thick, not too thin, and they are often in a straight line / resting. they dont get chapped often because he drinks enough to keep them hydrated and they are not bitten or chewed at in any form. when smiling, small dimples (barely noticiable) come on his cheeks  COMPLEXION : isnt anything particularly special. its not like he keeps his skin flawless (he has no particular interest in that), but jean is one of the lucky ones who is blessed to not have much acne. he cleans his face in the shower / when its dirty, but with that taken out of the picture, jean doesnt participate in washing it to the excess. its just naturally free of acne and other blemishes. he doesnt get red faced either, nor does he (or would he) wear makeup to cover it up BLEMISHES : besides the small birthmarks on his lower back, he doesn’t have any SCARS :  none TATTOOS :  none HEIGHT :  177.5cm / 5′10″ WEIGHT :  72.57kg / 160lbs BUILD :  has muscle, but nothing extraordinary. his strongest muscle point is in his wide / broad shoulders, but the rest of body just has lean muscle. he appears rather thin, so you wouldnt be able to tell he had much muscle unless stripping him down / seeing him shirtless / etc. he has a flat stomach, but there isnt much developed muscle through his stomach. the abs are there, but nothing noticable, really FEATURES :  nothing particularly notable ALLERGIES : bee stings. there arent many bees in Bādon, but when jean travels to other districts he often has to bring medicine with him just in case he does get stung USUAL  HAIR  STYLE :  golden hair with an undercut underneath a near-bowl hair style USUAL  FACE  LOOK :  he typically is expressed with a poker face. jean doesnt smile often, or really show many other expressions for that matter, but all of his expressions are vibrant (but short lasting). his smile comes out a lot when hes drunk USUAL  CLOTHING : typically hes seen wearing his ACCA uniform, with or without the jacket 

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR / S :  losing the people hes close to (i.e lotta and niino for the most part) ASPIRATION / S :  completing his work every day, leaving ACCA somewhere down the line, finding niino (post ep8) POSITIVE  TRAITS :  adaptable, calm, candid, capable, compassion, determined, easygoing, empathetic, faithful, friendly (though it sometimes seems otherwise), honest, open-minded, punctual, etc NEGATIVE  TRAITS :  absent-minded, bored (sometimes), distracted, dull (before getting to know him), oblivious, etc MBTI : DEFENDER (ISFJ-A) ZODIAC : virgo (subject to change) TEMPEREMENT :  phlegmatic SOUL  TYPE / S :  the helper ANIMALS :  mouse VICE  HABIT / S :  SMOKING FAITH :  christian (however, he is not very spiritual. religion does not matter much in his life, he just has his basic beliefs in the entity itself) GHOSTS ? :  yes, but not a strong belief AFTERLIFE ? :  yes REINCARNATION ? : probably not ALIENS ? :  yeah he would POLITICAL  ALIGNMENT :  ACCA EDUCATION ��LEVEL :  high school graduate

FAMILY.

FATHER :  a poor man prior to managing an apartment complex (the one that was passed to jean and lotta after his death) that does not have much known about him. jean doesnt talk about him much because of his higher fondness towards his mother, but his father was not a particularly bad man. currently deceased from a train wreck MOTHER :  a woman who was formerly the second princess of Dowa, but was removed from the royal roster for the sake of the country. she kept this to herself, even her husband and children when she met them / they were born, because she had faked her death to become a commoner on the streets. currently deceased from a train wreck SIBLINGS :  lotta otus, approximately eighteen to twenty years old, is the younger sibling of jean. she has a striking resemblance to her mother, as jean notes, and currently lives with him in their shared apartment on the top floor. has a love for bread, pasteries, and just food in general really. she and jean are quite close to one another EXTENDED  FAMILY :  king falke II (jean’s grandfather, the current king in power), prince schwan (cousin), other royal family members NAME  MEANING / S :  jean’s first name in hebrew quite literally means “gift from God” while otus means “keen of hearing” in Greek HISTORICAL  CONNECTION ? :  historically speaking, jean is of a royal family bloodline. he does not know this for most of his life, nor does he care about it once he finds out that he is apart of it. he would have been the next king in line instead of schwan if not for his mother being removed off of the roster, but his bloodline is still all the more royal

FAVORITES.

BOOK :  he hasnt read a book unrelated to work in some time, so he doesnt really have one MOVIE :  see above 5  SONGS :  jean listens to a lot of untitled instrumentals, mostly because it appeals to him. he will listen to other things on and off, but his favorite thing is typing in something along the lines of “relaxing music” in the search bar and clicking one of the 8 hour videos and just letting it play. he doesnt need to know the tracks, theyre good enough for him like this DEITY :  speaking as hes christian, god / jesus obv HOLIDAY : christmas MONTH :  he doesnt have one SEASON : spring. jean likes things to be mild and, despite how flimsy spring can be, he doesnt mind it too much. he likes when its not too hot, not too cold, but doesnt like it to be as chilled and rainy as it can be in fall. spring brings about rain as well, but not nearly as often as fall does, so this is a higher preference for him PLACE : at the bar / anywhere with niino, at home / anywhere with lotta, a bakery, the roof of the apartment complex WEATHER :  he likes sun, but he doesnt like when its too hot. it has to be like, mild, because if its too hot then its uncomfortable for him. he likes when its breezy as well but, like previously said, not too much. just enough so that it isnt chilly SOUND :  niino / lotta’s laugh, a gentle breeze blowing, rain SCENT / S :  strawberry, cigarette smoke, baking bread, faint cologne scents (i e: a specific brand that niino wears), warm food cooking TASTE / S :  strawberries, tobacco, bread (specifically tough bread) FEEL / S :  the cigarette between his fingers, people he trusts rubbing his back, people he trusts petting his hair, silk ANIMAL / S :  cats NUMBER :  he doesnt have one COLORS :  blue

EXTRA.

TALENTS :  figuring out when someone is lying to him (for the most part), investigating BAD  AT :  getting close to people, expressing his emotions in a way that isnt just deadpan / poker faced, cooking, holding his liquor, dealing with social events (he isnt anxious, he just doesnt like being at them that much) TURN  ONS :  body worship (receiving), care, confidence, dirty talk, minimal marks, praise, soft biting (more to be added most likely) TURN  OFFS :  being too rough (he likes it softer, more making love-esque), having to beg too much, too much teasing (a little is okay) (more to be added most likely) HOBBIES :   drinking with niino, smoking (is this considered a hobby? idk), listening to music, going to bakeries TROPES :  “Royal blood”, “Smoking is cool”, etc QUOTES :  “I never noticed I had an observer you’d assigned to me. But he isn’t a straightforward guy.” (to Grossular, about Niino) || “I smell tobbaco on you.” || “I try not to think of my subordinates as exceptional. After all, doubting them is my job.” (to Eider)

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1 :   if  you  could  write  your  character  your  way  in  their  own  movie ,   what  would  it  be  called ,  what  style  would  it  be  filmed  in ,  and  what  would  it  be  about ?           A1 :   what does ??????? this question even mean asldkfj Q2 :   what  would  their  soundtrack / score  sound  like ?           A2 :   itd probably be a lot of soft music. nothing super upbeat like pop and nothing like rock either. itd be maybe soft indie music, instrumentals, stuff like that Q3 :   why  did  you  start  writing  this  character ?           A3 :   you know, i honestly wasnt going to write any muse from this fandom? i figured the rp part of it would be dead after i couldnt find anyone after some time, but a few of my friends got wound up with the show after i talked about it so much and after they decided to make blogs, i made the decision to join them. even though i dont get that many interactions and this blog is still extremely new, i love being on jean. hes a really good character and im glad my friends convinced me to write him Q4 :   what  first  attracted  you  to  this  character ?           A4 :   honestly, it didnt come immediately. i never disliked jean, but i thought he was rather plain at first, which is to be understandable when you know how he is. i didnt think there was anything striking about him at all and i was more attracted to niino (i still am attracted to / love niino). that said, jean started to come to live more as the anime progressed and i found that hes really just a sweet bean and is VERY cute and i love him so so much. i think it was episode 3 when he was blushing / being precious and adorable while drunk that really got me getting gay for him Q5 :   describe  the  biggest  thing  you  dislike  about  your  muse.           A5 :  definitely the fact that he smokes. i dont hate people because they smoke, but i have an extreme aversion to smoking due to the fact that i not only have asthma and its very bad for me to be around, but because of the fact that it smells awful Q6 :   what  do  you  have  in  common  with  your  muse ?           A6 :  mmm, i think we’re similar in the fact that we’re pretty introverted and / or reserved and we like being away from social events and such Q7 :   how  does  your  muse  feel  about  you ?           A7 :   i hope he likes me. i love him so Q8 :   what  characters  does  your  muse  have  interesting  interactions  with ?         A8 :   honestly ? all of the interactions on my blog so far are great. my niino spyblooded and i already have like a kajillion threads and he loves their niino so so much <3. clandestinesque and i have an interesting thread and im not quite sure where we’re going to go with it but ive enjoyed it so far !!. spiritmiinded / astrallance and i also have good interactions too. we had great ones when i was still on keith too and im super happy that im still writing with them over here :’) Q9 :   what  gives  you  inspiration  to  write  your  muse ?         A9 :   i  dont really get inspiration, im just kinda here, writing because i enjoy it lmfao Q10 :   how  long  did  this  take  you  to  complete ?           A10 :   idk exactly but 2-3 hours probably ? longer than it took me to complete keiths i know that

[embeknorrig]

quarantings

I feel like a complete idiot. maybe this is the first time for a very long time i can journalling freely without starting off saying "I know i gotta do something else but imma make a quick expound" :/ like i said in the title, i feel like a fool. this feeling is far from brand new to me, but this time i am actually stuck. i mean i know i got things to do but i cannot seem to do it. maybe i need motivation, maybe im still so full of myself thinking i have time. but god knows i dont. i have been wasting so much time of life winning people's approval. there was a big period of time when i was completely dependent on human interaction. i thought i couldnt thrive without it. i held strongly to a belief that human is the greatest fun. how do i feel about that now? I am adverse to it. but i dont think i am anything near as dependent as i was before. it sucks how life took so long to teach me valuable lessons. maybe i shouldve known since the couple first errors, but i was so persistent. i was blinded by movies and books and media and lies and so i believed if i kept trying i would find the right best friend, the boyfriend to love me,.. the people whose support is just my kind. even tho now i havent found any of that yet, but i feel like i dont need it. because oh my god, i have lived my whole life without it. so do i really need that? was there any a time when i look back thinking i couldnt have done it without certain people? i dont think so. i think the only thing human taught me is how they keep letting down but i keep running back to them. so the only lesson learned was that i am a big fat fool. my eyes are burning bc i was crying so much. the older i get the less i cry, not that i became emoionally stronger but bc it took so much strength to squeeze these tears out. since 2019 i noticed that my body was badly damaged after every tearful night. its so funny how back in my teengae years i could easily cry to bed and wake up tomorrow operating just fine. now i can barely get thru a day without an advil. i think ive had brain damage throughout the yrs in the US. i think i am heavily infected by the american idealism. this isnt what i set out to write at all. i was being remorseful about my failure life. i wind up here in a beatup town, counting every penny every day, planning everything just to watch them fall apart... refusing social interaction and living like a bat. i barely eat anything good for the past months and i dont rmb what its like to be free. the bright side is ive finally discovered my skincare routine after 10 yrs battling w stubborn acne. i might finally be able to get clear skin back once and for all. but is this what life supposed to be? why am i so stuck and what could i do to reverse this situation. am i fighting my battle? is this really worth all these tears and damages?

[bloojayoolie]

Being Alone, Anaconda, and Animals: @manhattan acc waiting 4 LOVE Super Cute, super fun, playful, spry, tail waggy, social & sweet Zeus 37941 12 years old. 45 lbs **** TO BE KILLED - 8/17/2018 **** AGE AIN'T NOTHING BUT A NUMBER and 12 year old Zeus is here to let you know just that. As cute as a button, sweet, social, spry and ready for fun, Zeus family moved away and into an apartment where dogs are not welcome and felt like it was okay to dump him off at the Manhattan ACC. Not a good look as they have a euth list 6 nights a week and older dogs are among the first to go. However, Zeus has made it quite clear that it is not his time. There's lots of fun he hasn't had yet and he's up for making plenty of new friends. Family first though. Zeus is waiting for that special new BFF to save the day, and his life. Please help us network this 45 pound winner to the moon and back for that awesome second chance. ZEUS@MANHATTAN ACC Hello, my name is Zeus My animal id is #37941 I am a male white dog at the Manhattan Animal Care Center The shelter thinks I am about 12 years old. 45 lbs Came into the shelter as owner surrender Aug. 12, 2018 Reason Stated: MOVING - No pets allowed Zeus is at risk for medical reasons. He is a geriatric dog with multiple medical concerns which are listed on his medical history, including a heart murmur. Zeus is recommended to be ideally adopted into an adult only home due to some behavioral activity. My medical notes are... Weight: 45 lbs Vet Notes 13/08/2018 [DVM Intake] DVM Intake Exam Estimated age: 12 years Microchip noted on Intake? No Microchip Number (If Applicable): History : owner surrender due to moving Subjective: Observed Behavior - docile, allows all handling, but not attention seeking. Muzzled for precaution Evidence of Cruelty seen - No Evidence of Trauma seen - No Objective T = P = 100 R = 28 BCS = 3/9 EENT: Eyes clear, ears clean, no nasal or ocular discharge noted. very small eyelid tumor noted on lower left lid Oral Exam: dental attrition with tartar noted - was muzzled for exam so full eval not done PLN: No enlargements noted H/L: NSA, 3/6 systolic murmur noted on left and sternal CRT < 2, Lungs clear, eupnic ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated U/G: Intact Male MSI: Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat - pressure point alopecia over elbows CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities Rectal: not done Assessment Heart Murmur 3/6 r/o valvular versus HCM, DCM Dental attrition Thin intact Prognosis: Good Plan:Recommend cardiac ultrasound when placed SURGERY: Permanent waiver due to age and heart murmur 13/08/2018 [Spay/Neuter Waiver - Age] It is the policy of ACC not to perform surgery on any animal over the age of 8-10 years due to the higher risks incurred in a shelter setting. In addition, Zeus has a heart murmur. The veterinarian is hereby issuing a permanent spay/neuter waiver, from the spay/neuter requirements of the City of NY due to the estimated age of this animal. ACC does recommend you consult with your veterinarian to determine if surgical sterilization is appropriate. 14/08/2018 [Spay/Neuter Waiver - Age] It is the policy of ACC not to perform surgery on any animal over the age of 8-10 years due to the higher risks incurred in a shelter setting. The veterinarian is hereby issuing a permanent spay/neuter waiver, from the spay/neuter requirements of the City of NY due to the estimated age of this animal. ACC does recommend you consult with your veterinarian to determine if surgical sterilization is appropriate. Details on my behavior are... Behavior Condition: 1. Green Behavior History Behavior Assessment Zeus was stiff bodied during intake he kept his tail between his legs and was giving people whale eye. He flattened out on the floor when we tried to take his picture. He allowed me to remove his collar and leash him. When i opened the kennel door he jumped right in and when i gave him the cue to sit he sat down until the door closed. Date of Intake: 8/12/2018 Basic Information:: Zeus is a male white large breed dog that is estimated to be 12 Years old. His previous owner found him as a stray 11 years ago and kept him until he had to move to a location that did not allow animals. Previously lived with:: 1 Adult How is this dog around strangers?: Zeus is friendly with strangers and will slowly approach them until he is comfortable then will seek attention. How is this dog around children?: Zeus lived with a 10 year old child for a few years and was very friendly and affectionate with her. How is this dog around other dogs?: Zeus is friendly with female dogs and will look to play but will growl at male dogs and younger dogs that are high energy. How is this dog around cats?: Zeus was pet-sitted by someone that had cats and he was very friendly with them and would share a bed with them. Resource guarding:: Zeus is not bothered by people going near his food but will always try to play tug if you take away his toys. Bite history:: Zeus has bitten another dog 11 years ago when another dog tried to play with him approaching him from behind and drew blood. Housetrained:: Yes Energy level/descriptors:: High Energy, Playful, Affectionate Other Notes:: Zeus tends to bark a lot when left alone at home, he will whine and bark when he hears people walking by. He flinches when he hears a loud noise and will back away.He enjoys baths and will jump in to the tub. He is not bothered by people trying to pick him up. He enjoys being brushed. He does not like having his nails trimmed and will back away and growl if people keep trying to trim his nails. Has this dog ever had any medical issues?: No Medical Notes: Zeus has no known medical concerns. For a New Family to Know: Zeus is an affectionate dog that enjoys following people around the house. He likes to play with balls and rope, his favorite game is tug and he will always entice play with his ropes. He is used to being indoors but in his previous home he had a backyard and would spend all day outside. He tends to sleep in his crate most of the time. He enjoys eating a mix of wet and dry food. He is very house trained and has recently started using wee-wee pads as well. He is crate trained but will cry the entire time he is in there he is trained to be in a crate for up to 9 hours. He does pull hard on the leash during walks but will stop pulling if his name is called. He was also walked off leash for a while and would stay within 10 feet of his owner. Date of intake:: 8/12/2018 Spay/Neuter status:: No Means of surrender (length of time in previous home):: Owner Surrender (In home for 11 years) Previously lived with:: An adult and a child (age 10) Behavior toward strangers:: Slowly approaches, is then friendly Behavior toward children:: Friendly and affectionate with a 10 year old he lived with Behavior toward dogs:: Growls at males dogs and high energy dogs, friendly with calm females Behavior toward cats:: Friendly Resource guarding:: None reported Bite history:: Yes, Zeus bit and broke skin on a dog 11 years ago when the other dog was trying to play with him. Housetrained:: Yes Energy level/descriptors:: Zeus is described as playful and affectionate with a high level of activity. Date of assessment:: 8/14/2018 Look:: 2. Dog pulls out of Assessor's hands each time without settling during three repetitions. Sensitivity:: 2. Dog stands still and accepts the touch, eyes are averted, tail is between legs, body stiff, mouth closed, lip long, ears likely back, may lip lick. Tag:: 2. Dog is fearful but unresponsive when touched. Approaches the Assessor when the game ends. Dog is likely crouching, may have a long lip or lip lick. Paw squeeze 1:: 2. Dog quickly pulls back. Paw squeeze 2:: 2. Dog quickly pull back. Flank squeeze 1:: Item not conducted Flank squeeze 2:: Item not conducted Toy:: 1. Minimal interest in toy, dog may smell or lick, then turns away. Summary:: Zeus very cautiously approached the assessor, and when the assessor reached towards him he jumped away. He was very tense throughout the assessment, had a tucked tail, and avoident of handling. Summary (1):: 8/13: Zeus is introduced to a female dog through the gate due to reported bite history involving another dog. He appears slightly tense with raised hackles. Date of intake:: 8/12/2018 Summary:: Tense and whale eyes, allowed handling Date of initial:: 8/13/2018 Summary:: Allowed handling ENERGY LEVEL:: Zeus is described as having a high level of activity. We recommend long-lasting chews, food puzzles, and hide-and-seek games, in additional to physical exercise, to positively direct his energy and enthusiasm. BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION:: ADULT ONLY HOME Behavior Asilomar: TM - Treatable-Manageable Recommendations:: No children (under 13) Recommendations comments:: No children: Due to how uncomfortable Zeus is currently with touch and novel stimuli, we feel that an adult-only home would be most beneficial at this time. Potential challenges: : Fearful,On-leash reactivity/barrier frustration Potential challenges comments:: Fearful: Zeus is reported to need a slow approach from people and is very fearful at the care center. It is important to always go slow and give Zeus the option to walk away from any social interaction. Zeus should never be forced to approach anything that he is uncomfortable with or to submit to petting or handling. It should always be Zeus' choice to approach a new person or thing. Zeus would do best in an initially calm and quiet home environment and should be given time to acclimate to his new surroundings. On-leash reactivity/barrier frustration: Zeus has been reported to react to other dogs on leash, lunging towards them, barking and growling. Zeus may need positive reinforcement, reward based training to teach him to look at you rather than other dogs. We recommend a front clip harness or head halter to help manage this behavior. * TO FOSTER OR ADOPT * If you would like to adopt a dog on our “To Be Killed” list, and you CAN get to the shelter in person to complete the adoption process *within 48 hours of reserve*, you can reserve the dog online until noon on the day they are scheduled to die. We have provided the Brooklyn, Staten Island and Manhattan information below. Adoption hours at these facilities is Noon – 8:00 p.m. (6:30 on weekends) HOW TO RESERVE A “TO BE KILLED” DOG ONLINE (only for those who can get to the shelter IN PERSON to complete the adoption process, and only for the dogs on the list NOT marked New Hope Rescue Only). Follow our Step by Step directions below! *PLEASE NOTE – YOU MUST USE A PC OR TABLET – PHONE RESERVES WILL NOT WORK! ** STEP 1: CLICK ON THIS RESERVE LINK: https://newhope.shelterbuddy.com/Animal/List Step 2: Go to the red menu button on the top right corner, click register and fill in your info. Step 3: Go to your email and verify account Step 4: Go back to the website, click the menu button and view available dogs Step 5: Scroll to the animal you are interested and click reserve STEP 6 ( MOST IMPORTANT STEP ): GO TO THE MENU AGAIN AND VIEW YOUR CART. THE ANIMAL SHOULD NOW BE IN YOUR CART! Step 7: Fill in your credit card info and complete transaction Animal Care Centers of NYC (ACC) nycacc.org HOW TO FOSTER OR ADOPT IF YOU *CANNOT* GET TO THE SHELTER IN PERSON, OR IF THE DOG IS NEW HOPE RESCUE ONLY! You must live within 3 – 4 hours of NY, NJ, PA, CT, RI, DE, MD, MA, NH, VT, ME or Norther VA. Please PM our page for assistance. You will need to fill out applications with a New Hope Rescue Partner to foster or adopt a dog on the To Be Killed list, including those labelled Rescue Only. Hurry please, time is short, and the Rescues need time to process the applications.