#and my dad didn’t want us to feel left out which we already kinda were at least geographically

[groovytimes]

Every time I see or hear the Sicilian dialect, I still wait to hear my dad yell from the other room “Talk Italian with the girls!!”

[morgluvsconnie]

VOW, a.arlert

↜ CHAP.1 / not proof read , mild language , introduction / CHAP.2

A/N / hellurrrr this right here is basically just kind of an introduction to the characters & stuff so it’s kinda short? 😔 UGH I CANT WAIT TO GET TO THE GOOD PARTS (proof reading later)

“how much?”

armin leaned back in his chair with a smug smile.

eren glanced at you, who was talking with sasha the whole time before looking back at armin.

“basketball team.”

“what?”

“if you can do it, i gotta leave the basketball team. but if you fuck up, you leave.”

armin shifted in his chair, biting the skin on his bottom lip while staring at you. you, catching him by surprise when you turned and greeted him with a small wave.

it took a while for him to wave back before he looked at eren.

“might as well turn the jersey in.” armin shook his head with a low laugh that proved he had full confidence in what he was about to do.

or, what he was gonna do.

you on the other hand, you’d finally got up to walk home with sasha after your last class ended.

you grabbed your bag, putting your papers in neatly before letting out a long exhale. “shits exhausting.” you frowned a little, carrying your bag carelessly in your hand as everyone left the room.

the halls weren’t as packed, which cooled you off as needed. but you were stressed out from the amount of work you had to do and time you didn’t have.

“you got classes after this?”

“night classes tomorrow, like two.” you mumbled, finally making it outside.

“me too.”

you then looked around campus out of boredom as sasha did the same beside you.

“you know that blonde boy you hang with?” your eyes shifting to the ground.

sasha hummed for a few seconds before letting out an ‘ohhhh’, “armin?”

“that’s his name?”

“yeah.”

“oh.”

“what? you got a crush?” she bumped you playfully, making you laugh. “hell no. he was just looking so i waved.”

sasha stopped and put her hands on her hips. “and since whennnn does the y/n, the one who’s always giving men death stares, wave at a boy she, so called, ‘don’t like’.” she used two of her fingers as quotations.

“when she bein nice.”

“which is never.” sasha tapped her head, as if she was proving something. “but, before i mess with you about whatever,”

you looked at her.

“armins not really the type to just like somebody, see what i’m sayin?” she tilted her head, looking at you.

you slowly nodded.

she continued, “i’m not saying he doesn’t like you, cus really, look at you. i’m just saying, i know armin, and if he liked someone for real, i’d be able to tell.” she scratched her head, trying her best not to hurt your feelings.

which she wasn’t, because you had none for him in the first place.

“i just don’t want you to like him and then… something happens and blah blah, shit like that.” she waved it off.

you chuckled at her poor but helpful explanation. “ion like him, we just waved at each other.” you said, passing sasha’s house and walking a few more blocks to yours.

groaned and throwing your head back, you used your key to open the door, walking in to greet your toddler…

your cat.

“ritta.” you said with a smile as she curled up, snuggling your ankles. “hello to you too.” sasha rolled her eyes, walking to your room. “hi mrs and mr l/n.” she said on the way there.

you stayed quiet, leaning down to pet ritta once more before walking to your room. “hey mama, dad.” you waved a little, making your way to your room as they spoke back.

you closed the door behind you, dropping your things immediately and groaning.

“damn, you already packing up?” sasha looked around, putting her things where you put yours. you shrugged. “tryna get outta here.”

“whyyy? your parents seem nice.”

“that’s because you’re here and my dad don’t feel like being a bitch.” you cringed, lying on your stomach across your bed.

“and i just wanna have some peace and quiet.” you glanced down at ritta, who was preparing to hop on your bed. who also somehow snuck past you. “with my child.”

sasha laughed, scrolling through her phone. “but you’re still gonna be near campus, right?”

“duh. can’t leave you.” you reached over to squish her cheek. sasha smiled.

“right. you coming over eren’s?”

“no parties.” you shook your head. “sick of em.”

“it’s not a party, just like…” sasha put her phone down to think about it. “like a get together, ion know.”

“i don’t even fuck with the same people as you.”

“you’re sayin it like you hate them.”

“okay, i don’t hang with em.”

sasha groaned, moving herself to the edge of the bed and hanging off, drawing things on the floor. “they’re cool, i promise. nobody’s really an asshole except for… eren? and jean when he’s trying to be. but they’ll like you.” she said.

you thought about it for a second before looking out the window. “tonight?”

sasha nodded, getting back up and crossing her legs in front of you. “it’s just gonna be a friend group thing.”

you looked at her with a slight confused look. “did they invite me?”

“eren invited you.”

funny, because eren didn’t even know you. not like that. you were just a friend of a friend, and so was he.

“he said you might as well start hanging with them since you’re cool with me and whatever.” she said in a sigh.

you went quiet, rethinking your thoughts. it would be less boring. but why hang around people you don’t talk to?

“i guess.” you tilted your head, rubbing your forehead.

sasha smiled and pulled you into a tight hug, shaking you around. “finallyyyy, it’s at like… nine? so we can get ready together.”

yeah, you didn’t do that. because sasha was more excited than you, which means she got ready at an earlier time than you. you laid in bed as the rambled on about how everyone acted. how everyone was cool and “niceee.” she said before snatching the sheets off of you.

“dude.” you mumbled. “i changed my mind.”

“no, you didn’t. come on, stop bein boring.” she shook you aggressively, making you push her hands away with an aggravated laugh.

“i’m not changing no clothes for this.”

“put on pajamas, duh.” sasha pointed at her own clothes. you pursed your lips together and shook your head. “yeah. no. all my pajamas are… either embarrassing or make me look like i’m seeking male validation.”

“well let’s switch pants and you can wear a hoodie like i am.” sasha took her pants off and tossed them to you.

“you… are too comfortable around me.” you sat on your bed, taking your pants off and putting hers on. sasha searched through your drawer while looking for some of your pants.

“damn, you were right.” she said, tilting her head at the cookies that had faces on your pants. you smiled a little, standing up and slipping on your shoes.

“okay, where he live? i’m not walking far, sasha.”

sasha rolled her eyes at your complaining and grabbed her phone. “not far. like down the block, we all live close to campus so, you know.” she shrugged, walking out of your room and to the living room.

“uh,” your mom stopped you where you were. you sighed and turned around. “where are you going?” she looked at you and sasha.

sasha looked at you awkwardly, knowing she was a bad liar when it came to anyone’s parents but hers.

“just to a friends house.” you said, staring at your mom.

she stared back, looking at your clothes. “you know when to be back, correct?”

a college student shouldn’t have a curfew outside of college.

“sure.” you muttered, turning around to walk out the door.

your mother mumbled something under her breath as you and sasha walked out, you shaking your head and closing the door behind the both of you.

“what’s her problem?” sasha said as you got to the end of the driveway, looking back at your house as she put her phone in her pocket.

“what isn’t?”

[jessicaloons]

Chapter 31:

I watched it begin again…

Masterlist - Previous - Next

Info: in this story, Mattia Binotto is 2023 still team principle of Ferrari; Fred Vasseur will take over in 2024!

"I thought we’re here to train…" I mumbled and plopped down in an armchair in front of the huge fireplace of the ski resort we were staying in.

"We just want a little footage of your training!" Elijah said "Just one more day and we’ll be gone, I promise!"

He walked away and I sighed, right as Charles sat down next to me, a frown on his face.

"What’s wrong?" I sat up and looked at him.

"Nothing." he said and I raised an eyebrow "Okay… so umm. Someone from the factory, who works on the new car said it’s made to fit Carlos’ driving style. And I kinda knew that already. Mattia said that they will switch between my preferences and his, but the guy said it’s like completely accustomed to Carlos’ driving style. Not just tending more towards his preferences."

"So the car is completely made for him? That’s what you’re saying?" I asked and he shrugged his shoulders.

"I don’t know. Maybe it’s not that bad at all?"

"You wouldn’t be this worried if that wouldn’t be that bad at all…" I stated matter of factly.

"I don’t know. I have to drive it first. But yeah… it kinda worries me." he sighed.

"So you were closer than ever on winning the championship last year, but instead of continuing this momentum they designed a car for him? Who gave a flying fuck about his team in more than one race last year? Cool." I shook my head.

"You guys coming?" JK said behind us and I nodded.

"You know what? You’re right! You have to drive it first." I smiled at Charles encouraging and got up, pulling him with me "Now come on. I’m starving!"

We followed Andrea, JK, Joris and Antoine to the restaurant and sat down. I could see how tense Charles was the whole evening. Trying his best to not show how worried he really was, but whenever he smiled it didn’t quite reach his eyes and he was more quiet than usually. Whenever the others started to talk about the upcoming season I tried my best to change topics, not wanting to add onto Charles already growing anxiety. But when we were back in our hotel room and he sat down on the sofa, staring outside, not saying anything I sat down next to him.

"Charles?" I took his hand in mine and he looked up "Talk to me. What’s going on? It’s not just that the car might be more suitable for Carlos… that’s something you can work with, I know you! There’s more… come on!"

He looked out the window again, closing his eyes for a moment before he turned his head.

"There’s something going on at Ferrari… with Carlos and his family. I don’t know what, but last year, I was too early for a meeting and walked into the room with Mattia, Laurent, Carlos, his dad, his cousin and two Spaniards I knew from somewhere, but I just didn’t know where from… well yeah they all stared at me like I interrupted a secret meeting and the two Spaniards left then immediately. Mia found out that these two are from Santander… what would they have to talk about? Then I heard some mechanics talk about the pressure on Ferrari from Santander to deliver the right result, that was after Monza…"

"Which you won?" I added and he nodded.

"Yeah, so I wasn’t sure what that meant… I often saw Carlos’ dad and his cousin talking to Mattia and Laurent, in the corner of the garage, like they wanted no one listening? Maybe I’m just paranoid? Maybe there’s nothing big going on… but I don’t know… sometimes I feel like I’m fighting my own team…" he sighed.

"Because you are, sometimes at least… last year were so many awfully wrong strategy calls, mostly for you and whenever you said something you were silenced. Just look at Silverstone, how Mattia treated you afterwards when you were rightfully frustrated with them letting Carlos do whatever he wanted and then giving him the better strategy! They took away a win from your hands." I said and he leaned back into the pillows, closing his eyes "I don’t like criticising Ferrari constantly, but I had to do it, because they fucked up, again and again and unfortunately mostly your races…"

We sat in silence for a while, Charles deep in his thoughts and me rubbing circles on the back of his hand.

"I can see it, you know? Every time you criticise Ferrari. Your eyes giving it away. You hate it. It hurts you. But I know why you do it. For me." Charles looked into my eyes, almost as if he was looking into my soul.

"I will always love Ferrari. I will always be a fan deep down in my heart. That won’t change. It’s our dream. Always was." I whispered and he nodded, kissing my forehead.

"And in another life. Another universe. We would live our dream. Together. But in this world, this team isn’t ready for a female driver. They’re not ready for you. They’re still stuck in their old fashioned ways. It sucks that the gender of a driver plays a bigger part than the talent of them."

"It doesn’t matter. You made it. And I made it as well. Different. But still." I smiled and he tilted my head up, his eyes locking on mine.

"Exactly. We both made it. We both drive in Formula 1. We both are F1 race winners. And this year we both fight for the championship! A new season begins and we will be better than ever!" he was determined and I nodded.

"Hell yes we will!"

After three more days of powering through work out sessions and training in the snow it was time to head to Neuburg, or in Charles case Maranello. I was excited to see the new car, see the new developments and was keen on getting into the simulator first things first. But the first days were filled with sponsor meetings, analysing the data of the last season, seat fitting and photo shoots with our new race suit and team kits. After the last photoshoot Julie signalled me to follow her and she brought us to one of the lounge rooms.

"Here, I’ve got something for you…" she smiled as we walked inside "Fan letters."

"Fan letters?"

"Fan letters!" Julie repeated and pointed at the box on the table.

"And they’re all for me?" I asked, eyes wide.

"Yup. And don’t worry, we checked them all through. It’s just letters and some gifts."

"Checked them? Who am I? You really think people care enough about me to send me what? A letter bomb?" I chuckled but Julie just shrugged.

"Better safe than sorry. You don’t have to open all of them. Just pick out some and we’ll film a little clip."

"No! Are you kidding me? People took some time out of their day to write me! I will read every single one!" I shook my head and sat down, grabbing the first letter "I have nothing else to do anyways!"

"Alright. I’ll check in later to film you. Have fun."

I only nodded and already read the first letter. I was touched by all the sweet and kind messages from fans all over the world, opening letter after letter. I opened up the next one, pulled the paper out of the envelope and as soon as I read the letter I dropped it. That couldn’t be. How could he know that I would read all my fan letters? How could he be so sure I would pick his letter out of the hundred or more in front of me. I crumbled up the piece of paper. Grabbing the next letter. Trying to get rid of that sickening feeling inside my stomach. Just to be gutted again, three letters later. I checked the envelope of the first letter, it was the same. Frantically searching through the box I found another 41 letters, 43 in total. I ripped them open. The letter was the same in every single one:

Happy New Year, Lizzie.

2022 was only the beginning…

This year I’m coming for everything if you won’t do what I say.

I didn’t need a name to know who wrote the letters. Salva Diaz. It was too quiet after Japan. He didn’t try to contact me in any way. Didn’t post anything about me. He went radio silent. And a gullible and optimistic part of me thought it was over. He had enough of this cat and mouse play. But of course I was wrong. So wrong. I stuffed the envelops frantically in my bag, when I heard Julie approaching, putting on a fake smile.

"Alright, let’s pick out some nice ones and open them, read them through, show it to the camera a little, say something to your fans and then that’s it." she said and I nodded, doing exactly what she said.

"This one here is from Nicole, 9 years old from Denmark. Thank you for your sweet words! And thank you even more for this beautiful drawing." I turned the letter so Julie could film the picture of the little girl "I will put it in my drivers room!" I opened up the next one, two bracelets falling out, along with a letter, I read it and smiled "Thank you Celeste! I make sure Charles gets his bracelet!" I showed Julie the two matching bracelets and slipped one over my wrist "I love it!" I picked two more letters and Julie was happy, stopping the filming.

"Perfect! You’re officially dismissed for today. Tomorrow you’ll be in the simulator, Pete wanted me to let you know! See you tomorrow, Lizzie!" she smiled and left.

I grabbed my stuff and left the factory immediately. Making my way to the hotel room. Pacing back and forth. I had to focus on the preparations of the new season, but instead my head was in shambles about what Diaz wanted exactly from me. His banning from the paddock was his own fault, I couldn’t do anything about it anymore and he knew it. What did he want now? As I racked my brain about what he could want from me, my phone rang and I flinched. Charles. I took a deep breath, trying to get rid of the sickening feeling inside my stomach that followed me back from the factory, after I opened up the first letter of Diaz.

"Hey Charlie bear." my voice overly sweet.

"Ewww. No. Absolutely not. Stop calling me that!" he laughed and I sat down "How are you? How’s the new car?"

"I’m okay. A little tired. The last days were draining… but I haven’t been in the simulator or anything till now. Tomorrow though, I’ll give it a go. What about your car?" I asked and he sighed.

"Hmm. Not so sure. It’s a bit too early to give a final answer? It looks okayish? I’m worried about the rear though… I don’t know. I haven’t driven it as of now, so yeah." his voice not really confident.

"We all know that Carlos likes understeery cars, whereas you’re more into oversteery ones… I honestly don’t know how they want to compromise on that?"

"We’ll see I guess."

"Hmm. I’m just happy that Valtteri and I prefer both an oversteer car…" I sighed.

"I would love to have you as my teammate! Our driving style is so similar and we both have the same preferences when it comes to our car set up." he chuckled a little although I knew that he wasn’t just joking around.

"I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Maybe the car isn’t that bad? You just wait sunshine, you just wait!"

"Very funny." he laughed and I did as well "I can’t believe that it’s already almost time to pack up and leave for Bahrain."

"Yeah… in a week we will present our cars, then do some more testings and then it’s go time… I’m just sorry that we won’t be here for Liams birthday." I mumbled.

"Yeah, that sucks… but he’s a big boy, he understands!" Charles tried to cheer me up a little.

"I know, but still. I will see him on Benjis birthday though. Dad said they will come here."

"You know that I’m trying to come as well! But as of now, I’m not so sure I can make it…" he sounded defeated.

"It’s okay. No one’s mad or anything."

"Okay." he sighed "I gotta go now, sponsor dinner, yay… I’ll text you later, okay?"

"Alright. I would say have fun, but I know you won’t, so… I hope it won’t take too long!" I said encouragingly "Oh and Charles? Let’s wait until you tested the car. Maybe it will surprise you and will be good in the end. You never know."

"I hope you’re right, cara mia!"

I waited for Charles in the car park, taking selfies with some fans, signing shirts and caps when I saw him approaching. Head hung low, hair messy, no team shirt or cap on. He tried to draw as little attention as possible, just wanted to leave the track.

"Thank you guys! Have an amazing night!" I smiled at the fans and unlocked the car, getting inside. I drove straight up to Charles and ushered him inside, then I turned around and drove by the baffled fans, screaming for Charles.

"Thank you." he whispered and leaned back in his seat, looking outside.

I didn’t reply, only took his hand in mine and squeezed it.

"The tests looked so promising, even though I’m not entirely comfortable in the car. It looked good… the start? Amazing. Our pace didn’t match with that of Red Bull so Checo overtaking me was just a matter of time… but still. P3 would be a good result in a car that doesn’t suit me much… and then? Poof. Mechanical failure. Nice one. Good start of the season that was supposed to be our season!" he ranted after a while "And I thought quali yesterday was bad."

"It’s only the first race of a very long season, Charles! Focus on the positive things! The car doesn’t suit your driving style, you’re not really comfortable in it, but you still managed to start from P3! You overtook Checo right at the start and held onto that P2 for 26 laps! You would’ve finished that race on the podium if not for the car being a bitch! That was just a small bump on the road! In two weeks you’ll be back on top again!" I stopped the car and looked at him "Now come on. I’m hungry and we have now two weeks off!" I got out of the car, handing over my keys and waited for Charles to follow me "Let’s not think about the race for now, okay?"

"Okay…" he sighed dramatically and grabbed my hand, pulling me to his side, when some fans recognised us "Well it looks like our midnight snack has to wait…"

I woke up to the smell of some delicious food and clattering sounds from the kitchen. I turned around, searching blindly for my phone on the nightstand. 11:27. I sat up immediately. I couldn’t remember a day where I slept that long. Swinging my legs off of the bed I stretched. Feeling a little tense after the first race weekend of the season. I made my way into the bathroom, splashing my face with cold water, brushing my teeth. When I stepped out again I grabbed Charles hoodie and pulled it over my head, following his cursing into the kitchen. He stood in his sweatpants only at the stove, his back to me. The kitchen island full of pastries, bread rolls, fruit salad, plates full of cheese, honey and jam, a huge stack of pancakes and waffles. A full buffet of all of my favourite breakfast items. Even a jug full of freshly squeezed orange juice.

"If the food tastes as great as the cook looks… mhhh delicious!" I teased and Charles flinched.

"Fucking hell." he whispered underneath his breath and turned around "I wanted to surprise you!" he pouted a little and I smiled sheepishly as he turned off the stove, walking around the island and pulled me into his arms "Happy birthday, cara mia." he whispered in my ear and kissed my temple "Well, I made breakfast…"

"Oh no you didn’t? Really?" I laughed and he pinched my hip "Thank you Charlie bear. It looks amazing! All of it!" I kissed his cheek and he smiled.

"And don’t worry! I also made eggs!" he laughed and walked back to the stove, shovelling the scrambled eggs into a bowl, setting it down in front of me.

"You are perfect! And I’m impressed! Look at what you did! And my kitchen is still fully intact! You didn’t burn down the building! Nothing looks burned! Amazing job, I’d say!"

"I tried my best for you! And now come on! Cooking makes hungry!" he poured me some orange juice and I loaded up my plate.

"So we’re having a cheat day today…" I chuckled and Charles shrugged his shoulders.

"I won’t tell JK if you’re not telling Andrea."

I looked at him for a moment, trying the pancakes that were surprisingly good and nodded.

"You’ve got yourself a deal, Mister!"

After having a little from everything, I was full and shoved my plate away, looking over at Charles, who smiled at me.

"You go ahead and take a long shower, or maybe a bath? I take care of the kitchen and then we can do whatever you want to, I only reserved us a table for later tonight, at Antonio’s. So you tell me what you want to do." he stood up and I thought for a moment.

"How about we just have a nice and relaxed day and stay in? Watching a movie? Doing some bed activities?" I wiggled my eyebrows and Charles smirked.

"Sounds good to me… maybe I’ll join you under the shower when I’m done here, when you take your time…" he kissed my cheek and I got up, stretching a little.

"I think that can be arranged." I smiled and walked back into my bedroom "But don’t take too long, or I’m starting without you…"

"Don’t you dare, cara mia!"

"As much as I enjoyed this… but I think we should get up and dress up! Your phone almost explodes and mine as well… they’re all asking why you’re not picking up, they want to congratulate you." Charles laughed.

"Text them we’re busy. We want to start round four!" I groaned and he leaned over me.

"Let’s get up. I’ll give you your present and then you can FaceTime Liam, he insists on seeing you, and then after that… we can go for round four, maybe five? Depends on how fast we are…" he nudged my nose with his and I sighed.

"Okay…" he smiled and kissed the tip of my nose, before he pushed himself up, walking into the bathroom "What a cute little butt." I purred and he turned around "But that front view…" I whistled and Charles raised an eyebrow.

"Cara mia, you are a greedy, little minx! Get your cute little ass out of bed now and dress up!" he chuckled and I got out of bed, following him.

"I need a little shower as well, I’ll join you." I got in behind him and he groaned.

"You’re making this really not that easy for me…" he turned around and I laughed.

"I just wanted to take a shower?" I tried to look as innocent as possible at him and he burst out laughing.

"That won’t work!" he gently pushed me against the tiles, kissing my neck down to my collarbone, all the way up on the other side. I moaned a little, grabbing his hair as he kissed along my jaw, when he suddenly pulled away and opened the door, stepping outside. Leaving me heavily breathing against the wall "I told you it won’t work." he smirked, wrapping a towel around his hip, leaving the bathroom.

"That was unfair!" I shouted but only heard him laughing. Frustrated I washed myself and then got out and dressed up. Walking back into the living room where Charles sat on the sofa, waiting for me. He patted the space next to him and I sat down.

"Happy birthday, cara mia!" he said again, kissing my cheek and handing me a little red box.

I opened the box and found a necklace, very fine and subtle, just the way I liked it, a little pendant attached with what looked like...

"Coordinates?" I asked and looked up and Charles smiled.

"Yeah…" he answered and I took my phone out "It’s where everything began…"

I opened Google Maps and typed the coordinates in. 47°34'19.5"N 7°21'57.2"E

The karting track in Sundgau. Where we met for the very first time. In April 2006.

"Charles…" I almost choked up and looked at him.

"Turn it around…" he said and with a shaking hand I turned the pendant.

Where my forever began. 8/4/2006. 08:37.

"You remembered the time?" I sniffled and he nodded.

"I remember everything…" he whispered and he wiped the tears from my cheeks. I closed the distance between us and kissed him "I take from that, you like it?"

"I love it, that’s a difference. Big difference! Merci, mon cœur!" I hugged him and he chuckled a little.

"But that’s not all…" he said after a moment and I sighed.

"Of course it’s not…" I rolled my eyes playfully.

"You know me just too well!" he laughed and got up "Okay, for this one you have to close your eyes!"

"Okay?" I did as told and closed my eyes, waiting for Charles signal to open them again.

"SURPRISE!" a lot of voices screamed and I opened my eyes, right in time for Liam and Benji to tackle me into the pillows of my sofa.

"Happy Birthday!" they both kissed my cheeks and I hugged them close, looking up at my parents, Sissy, Shima and the two Daniels.

"What are you guys doing here?" I asked and got up, leaving the boys on the sofa.

"It’s your birthday?" Mum said and hugged me "Happy birthday, sweetheart." she kissed my cheek.

"My turn now!" Dad pushed Mum gently away and pulled me in his arms, almost crushing me "Happy birthday, my little owl! I don’t care how old you’re turning! For me, you’ll always be my little girl!"

"Thanks Pops!" I whispered and he pulled away, kissing my head.

"Thank you guys so much!" I smiled at them, once everyone had congratulated me, and then looked at Charles who stood at the kitchen island, a beautiful cake on display, sparklers sparkling away. He waved me over and as soon as I stood next to him they all began to sing, the door opening, Arthur and Pascale arriving with some bottles of champagne. I smiled and wiped a tear from my cheek. Together with Charles I blower the candles out and they all cheered for me, while Dad and Danny Ric opened up the champagne, pouring everyone a glass.

"Lizzie, my sweet girl, happy birthday!" Pascale kissed both my cheeks and hugged me.

"Thank you so much for coming! All of you!" I smiled and Arthur pulled me to his side, kissing my cheek.

"Happy birthday, Lizzie." he smiled and I bumped my hip a little against his.

"Thanks Arthi!"

"Who wants some cake?" Charles asked and Liam and Benji jumped excitedly up and down "Alright, two slices for the boys, coming right up."

"Biiiig slices!" Benji said and Liam nodded.

"We’re going out for dinner later on! So no biiiig slices!" Sissy said and they pouted a little.

"Okaaaaay."

"We’re are we going?" Arthur asked and I looked at Charles.

"Still Antonio’s! Don’t worry!" he chuckled and I smiled. He knew me all too well. Birthday dinner at Antonio’s was an old tradition of ours. It didn’t matter when we got the time to go, but always around our birthdays we would have dinner there. With a full stomach and a content smile on my face I rummaged through my kitchen drawers, looking for a lighter when I finally found one. I lit up the candle and walked over to the sofa, where Charles was sitting, zapping through the channels. As he saw me approaching he looked up and choked.

"Cara mia…" he whispered as I sat the cupcake, a golden H and a single lit up candle on it, down on the coffee table in front of me.

"It’s not just my birthday…" I said quietly and cupped his cheek, wiping away a stray tear "Come on. Together. Like he always let us do it…"

"Happy Birthday, Papa." Charles whispered and we blew out the candle. We watched the smoke dissolve into thin air and he turned his head, looking at me "Thank you, Lizzie." then he kissed me gently, before pulling me into a tight hug.

"Happy Birthday, Hervé."

"Lizzie, your season started not as good as last year, from podium to barely into the points. Was the good start last season maybe just beginners luck?" the first question of the day and I already was over it.

"Last year I had a bit of luck, with the cars in front of me having some issues. This year I had to start from P17 after I got impeded and failed to set a good time. So I’d say from P17 to P10 is not that bad." I tried to stay as calm as possible.

"Your boyfriend didn’t have the best start as well, with retiring from a podium place?"

"No, he didn’t."

"And this weekend he has to already serve a ten place grid penalty because he needed a new ICE?"

"First of all, he didn’t need a new ICE, he needed new control electronics. And second, is there a question in this statement for me to answer?" I was more than annoyed at this point.

"How does he feel?"

"Delighted." I inwardly rolled my eyes "But you know what? Why don’t you ask him that yourself? Yeah? Thank you!" I walked away and Julie sighed "Sorry."

"No it’s fine. That dude was an idiot. We wait for Sky UK." she looked ahead and I nodded "Alright. Let’s go." we walked over and fortunately the questions weren’t as stupid as the ones from before and I even joked a little with Nathalie Pinkham.

"Alright. That’s it for today." Julie lead me away and I was more than happy to leave the media pen.

"Thank god. Another question about my beginners luck last season and I would’ve lost it…" I sighed and she patted my arm.

"Yeah some idiots always have to ask stupid questions… funny that it’s mostly just men…" she shrugged her shoulders and I chuckled.

"I wonder why… although the interviewer from Canal+ was also a little… well yeah you know what I mean." I chuckled.

"Shitty? Bitchy? Annoying?" Julie laughed.

"All of that."

"Did she ask one question about this weekend?"

"Nope, not a single one. Only about Charles and I." I rolled my eyes.

"You do the talking on track, as always!" Julie nudged my shoulder and I laughed.

"I will try."

"So P12 for Charles, which means P2 for you tomorrow." Crafty smiled and I nodded.

"Yeah. A shame really. He did amazing though and I’m sure he’ll be catching up quickly."

"Just like Max?"

"Just like Max, from P15? Yeah? P15."

"The Audi looked a little more unpredictable around here than expected? What’s in for you tomorrow?"

"We’ll see I guess. We’re lacking race pace. That’s our biggest issue. Also our tyre management might be a factor."

"Thank you Lizzie!"

I walked to Charles, who was waiting for me, pulling me to his side.

"You did amazing! Don’t worry about the penalty, you’ll make up for it." I smiled at him and he sighed.

"Yeah, if my car makes it to the finish line." he chuckled a little.

"Don’t worry, I’ll push you over it."

"Thank you! How very nice of you!" he kissed my cheek and then pulled away "See you later?"

"Yup. I’ll wait for you. Your meetings always take way longer than ours…" I teased.

"That’s because we are a Top 3 team." he winked.

"Ouch. Although I’d say that’s because you talk about all the strategies you could fuck up…"

"Okay, I kinda deserved that." he laughed and squeezed my hand one last time before he walked away.

"How’s he doing?" Felix asked as soon as I entered the garage.

"Surprisingly good."

Felix cocked an eyebrow and I just shrugged my shoulders.

"Maybe he’s the Ferrari we have to be worried about tomorrow then?" he chuckled right as Valtteri entered the garage.

"Don’t worry, I’ll hold him up for a while!" he nudged my shoulder and I laughed.

"I’m more worried about Max. He’s seething! And when there’s one thing you don’t want behind you, it’s a pissed off Max. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about…"

"A pissed off Max was often behind you then back in karting?" Valtteri asked.

"More often than he would like to admit." I wiggled my eyebrows "Mostly because he was Mad Max and got penalties left and right… but anyways."

They laughed and we walked back together to discuss our strategy for the race ahead.

I got off the scooter and walked the rest up to our garage, frustration seeping through me. I pulled my helmet off and apologised to the team before I sat down for a moment, emptying an entire bottle of water.

"Ready?" Julie asked and I nodded, following her into the media pen. When I walked in, I clapped Alex on the shoulder and he turned around.

"What was that?" he asked and I just shrugged my shoulders, shaking my head.

"Lizzie. Sky UK first." Julie nudged ne towards Rachel Brooks and she smiled at me.

"Hey, Lizzie. Sorry to see you here already. Can you tell us what happened there?"

"I honestly don’t know? The most experienced driver on the grid totally misjudged the space he left me and clipped my front wing. Wouldn’t be that bad but the endplate got stuck under my front suspension so I had to retire. It’s a shame, really. I was doing quite good after the pit stop, making my way through the field, maybe this weekend a podium would’ve been possible… it’s like this. I can’t change it now unfortunately."

"There was a bit of confusion as it seemed, whether or not you should continue and come back to the pits or retire?"

"Yeah, the plate hit a sensor so the data the pit wall had was a bit confusing at first. But retiring was the best option, to avoid further damage."

"Your overall feedback of this weekend?"

"It’s still early in the season, but the feeling of the car was better this weekend. The pace was there, the tyre deg was better. I’d say we’re going in the right direction."

"Thank you Lizzie! See you in Australia!" Rachel smiled and I switched to the next interview, doing a full round and then returned back to the garage, 15 laps still to go. I unzipped my suit and rolled it down around my waist, taking the head phones Matt was offering me. Charles was doing his best to make it through the grid. But the pace just wasn’t there to get any further than P7 in the end. When he climbed out of his car I saw the disappointment on his face. Our team meeting wasn’t taking that long, Valtteri brought home some points for us, finishing in P8, but other than that there wasn’t too much to talk about. When I left, it was surprisingly Charles who waited for me at the car, pulling me into a tight embrace.

"That was fucked. Didn’t he see you?" he sighed and I shrugged.

"I don’t know. You heard him. It’s a racing incident, he shouldn’t even get a penalty in his opinion… so yeah." I said as Charles opened my door and closing it as soon as I was inside.

"Typical." Charles mumbled as he got in the car as well "You wanna go out tonight? Or stay in?"

"I don’t know. Honestly I’m not in the mood to socialise? It’s just so annoying! When one thing works out, some shit happens during the race. It’s a fucking circle."

"Staying in it is." Charles chuckled.

"No! If you want to go out, then go! Really! I can stay alone!" I looked at him.

"I was honestly hoping you would say you want to stay in…" he said sheepishly, grabbing my thigh "Our hotel has this huge infinity pool on the roof. It’s open 24/7 but at this time it’s mostly empty because it’s only accessible from the VIP floors. So what do you say? You. Me. A little midnight swim?"

"I don’t have a swimsuit with me…" I sighed and Charles squeezed my thigh.

"Who says you need one."

"Thanks man, I really appreciate it!" Charles thanked the hotel employee and the doors were closed. I watched how he walked up the stairs to the terrace with a smug smile on his face "The roof is ours for the next hours."

"I’m not even going to ask how you did that…" I chuckled, pulling the bathrobe tighter around my body "I honestly didn’t expect it to be this windy and fresh in the middle of the desert."

"Well, it’s the middle of the night." Charles chuckled and walked towards the bar, leaning over and pulling out a bottle of champagne and a bowl full of strawberries.

"You’re full of surprises, Mr. Leclerc." I said as he plopped down next to me, feeding me a strawberry.

"I try to impress you whenever I can…" he leaned in, his lips ghosting over mine "What do you say? Fancy a little swim?"

"Hmm… absolutely." I put my lips on his, sharing the taste of strawberries.

Charles cupped my cheek with one hand, while the other snaked down, pulling at the bathrobe string, untying the knot I made. When it fell open he slid his hand inside and I flinched a little, his hand cold from carrying the champagne bottle. He smirked and tugged at my bottom lip, before pushing the bathrobe of my shoulders. He kissed his way along my jaw, down the column of my neck, nipping at my collarbone. The bathrobe was gliding down my body, pooling around my waist. I untied his bathrobe, pushing it down his shoulders, as he stood up abruptly, his robe falling to the ground. He grabbed the bowl of strawberries and the bottle of champagne, setting them down on the edge of the pool before he turned around, picking me up.

"No! NO! You’re not jumping in there! I warn you Charles! I will-…" I began but it was already too late. Charles held me tight in his arms when he pulled me up again, water splashing around everywhere. I glared at him but he only laughed, kissing my forehead. I snuggled into him, expecting to be cold at any moment, but the water was surprisingly warm. Charles saw the confused expression on my face.

"It’s a heated pool… I might’ve asked to turn up the temperature a little." he chuckled and I kissed his cheek.

"You really thought of everything, didn’t you?" I beamed at him.

"Just trying to make everything as perfect as possible for you, cara mia." he whispered.

"You’re doing a good job. A very, very good job!" I replied and he brought me to the edge of the pool, a little ledge to sit on going around the pool wall. I looked over all the lights of the city while Charles opened up the champagne with a loud pop.

"Shit, I forgot glasses!" he sighed but I grabbed the bottle and took a big swig, face scrunching up "Very glamorous."

"You know me, I’m no lady." I shrugged my shoulders, taking another sip, before I handed him the bottle.

"But you look like one." he winked, or rather failed to do so and I chuckled. After taking a few gulps of champagne he sat the bottle down and sat behind me, pulling me into his lap and kissed my shoulder "This is way better than going out."

"Absolutely." I turned a little, snaking my hand around his neck, pulling him closer. Our lips almost touching, as I smirked leaning in even more, just to pull away, biting into a strawberry. Charles watched as a drop of the juice ran down my throat and groaned "Mhhh they’re so damn sweet." I picked up another strawberry, feeding it to him.

"Not bad, but I know something that would taste even sweeter." Charles whispered, his hot breath fanning over my ear "So much sweeter…" goosebumps erupted on my skin and I gasped, when he dragged his fingers through my folds.

"Charles…" I breathed out and he left open mouthed kisses down my neck, I closed my eyes, basking in the feeling.

"Yes, pretty girl?" he chuckled when I arched my back, grinding into his hand, moaning softly "Just tell me what you want…" my head began to swirl, when I felt his hard length pressed against my thigh.

"I want-… I want…" I began but had to stop when a wave of pleasure spread through my body. I grabbed his hand, pulling it closer to my core, moving with him "Please…"

"Please what?" I almost could hear him grinning "Come on…"

"Stop teasing!" I puffed out.

"Okay, okay…" he laughed and pulled his hand away and I huffed "Stop pouting!" he turned me in his lap, settling me down with my legs spread on his thighs "Ready?" he whispered and I nodded hastily.

"Yes!" I breathed out and a heatwave of pleasure spread through my body, a loud moan emanating from within my throat.

"Shhh! Not that loud, pretty girl! Do you want the whole hotel to hear us?" he groaned and the feeling of his muscular chest pressed against mine mad me clench "Careful… or I might think you’re into it…"

Charles POV:

I was pacing back and forth, waiting for Lewis‘ text when Lizzie walked in.

"I hate it!" she groaned and plopped down, head first, into the sofa.

"What’s going on?" I asked and sat beside her, turning her to look at me.

"Where should I start?" she sighed, raising her hands dramatically and I chuckled. She sat up and climbed into my lap, clinging onto me.

"Come on, tell me what’s bothering my little grumpy koala." I pinched her waist.

"I hate this racing calendar! I don’t like it to sit around for two weeks between races, going back and forth around the globe! Can’t they make it like we’re going in one way? Starting in Australia and working our way through until we’re ending the season in South America? No! Of course not! So now we have Australia next week and then almost an entire month until Baku!" she ranted.

"I know, they don’t think the calendar through… or rather not environmentally." I agreed with her.

"And then Miami! Why couldn’t that be a little earlier? Then I might’ve had a chance to get tickets! But no! First the calendar and then Ticketmaster spit in my soup!"

"What tickets?" I played dumb and she immediately pushed herself off of me.

"What tickets? WHAT TICKETS? Are you serious! I’ve been talking for weeks about The Era’s Tour! TAYLOR SWIFT!" she was fuming.

"Oh! Yeah! Of course! So no tickets because the website didn’t work and when it worked again all shows that would’ve worked out for you…" she glared at me "… for us were sold out! What a bummer!"

"What a bummer? No! Not just a bummer! It’s more like the end of the world!" she sighed again and I pulled her back into my lap.

"I know that sucks, but did you check for the shows after Australia? I mean, it’s like you said, we have almost a month between Melbourne and Baku?" Nope. All sold out. I already checked.

"That was the first thing I’ve checked right after they cancelled China! Nope." she mumbled.

"I’m sorry, cara mia! But that’s just her tour in the USA? Maybe she’ll be in Europe? Asia? South America? I’m sure we’ll find a way to see her! I’ll even help you and log in myself as soon as new tour dates are announced!" I cupped her cheeks, looking at her.

"Really?" she asked.

"Really!" I promised her right when I saw a text incoming from Lewis "You will see her concert!" I picked up my phone and read the text "I promise you!"

"Thank you! You’re a good boyfriend!" she giggled and kissed my cheek as I texted Lewis back.

I sat at the piano, writing down notes when I felt like someone was watching me, I grinned and sat up, playing my melody.

"You know, I can feel you staring…" I said quietly and Lizzie chuckled a little, before she hugged me from behind.

"Did you compose that?" she asked and I nodded "It’s beautiful."

"It’s not ready yet… just an idea…"

"But a beautiful idea." she kissed the top of my head and sat down on the sofa.

"We’ll see… when’s the car coming?" I asked her and turned on the stool.

"In thirty minutes. Everything’s packed. Joris will be here any minute. We’ll pick up Andrea on the way and JK is already in Australia." Lizzie stretched a little and yawned "I really hope that I can sleep in the plane…"

"You didn’t sleep last night pretty well, felt you stirring around quite a lot?" I got up and sat down beside her, pulling her into me and leaning back.

"Yeah…" Lizzie hummed and I gently grabbed her chin, tilting her head up "The doc said I might get a little fuzzy and anxious… after what happened last year in Melbourne… I guess he’s right."

"You mean, what happened with us?" I asked and she nodded slowly "I’m sorry…"

"What for? I was the one who left you at the airport, after you just saved my ass…" she looked at me with wide eyes.

"But I kissed you…"

"Yeah and it was a pretty damn good kiss that made me feel woozy for days! And I hated it!" she laughed but then looked at me "No seriously, it had to happen and I’m glad it did! Because look at where we’re now!"

"I guess you’re right." I nodded and kissed her cheek "Now come on. We gotta go soon!" I pulled her up with me and we got ready when Joris texted that he was downstairs where our car was already waiting.

I climbed out of the car, frustrated. Not just that I messed up Q1 and Q2, no, for some reason I was held up by Carlos for the whole first sector in my first run in Q3 and then couldn’t get my shit together for my second run. Just another miscommunication or whatever mishap and my own mistakes lead to a start from P7 in tomorrow’s race. I sat down my helmet and watched a replay of Lizzie walking behind the barrier towards the pit lane on the screens, her head hung low. I didn’t see what happened to her, just saw her car stuck in the gravel at one point. I walked outside the garage to look for her. She stood at the Audi pit wall, helmet still on, talking to Felix who squeezed her shoulder. She shook her head and then proceeded to walk into her garage. I passed her up and grabbed her hand.

"Hey." I said and she turned her head slightly "What happened?"

"That idiot just got back on track without looking! That’s what happened! And I had to brake and steer around him! With cold tyres! They locked up and I spun out!" she was seething, throwing her gloves on the table, then she pulled off her helmet "I swear it’s always him! And you know what? He probably won’t even get punished. Like always!" the way she looked and talked, I knew exactly who she was talking about.

"Did he spun out or why was he off track?" I asked her and she shrugged her shoulders.

"I don’t know. I was going around the corner when Pete said that he would be on the right, outside of track, just so that I know and as I rounded the corner he just… god how can he be so fucking stupid?" she threw her helmet on a cart and I saw how a lot of heads were turning.

"I get that you’re frustrated, but Lizzie, calm down. There’s cameras everywhere…" I said and pushed her inside the garage into the back "Calm down, okay?"

"I can’t calm down for fucks sake! It’s always the same!" she took a water bottle and downed it.

"I know it sucks! But you can’t change it now, okay? Do your talking on track!" I tried to cheer her up but she only chuckled.

"Yeah? How many times do I have to do the talking on track?"

"I’m afraid forever?" I grabbed her by the waist, pulling her in "It’s like this. Now, let’s go and have some fun with the media."

"Fun… yay…" she rolled her eyes.

"Come on!" I pulled her with me, Mia and Julie already waiting for us.

"Just hope and pray that he’s not there. I don’t know what I’ll say or do…" Lizzie mumbled and we laughed.

"Don’t worry, he was still deep in conversation with his dad and Mattia when I left." Mia said and gave me a pointed look, I sighed.

"What was that? Why are you looking like that?" Lizzie asked and I shook my head.

"Nothing. Don’t worry about it, cara mia." I said as we arrived in the media pen, Mia and Julie busy doing their job, looking for a spot for us.

"Are you sure?" she asked and I nodded, when Julie called her over.

"I think your needed."

"You too!" she smiled at me when Mia waved me over. I squeezed her hand and she walked off.

"Charles, P7 for you tomorrow. What went wrong today?" Danica Patrick asked.

"I wasn't on it. I wasn't driving well. I wasn't putting everything together, so that was my fault." I sighed.

"It seemed like there was some confusion in terms of track position between you and Carlos?"

"Unfortunately, I don't know what happened in the second run of Q3, whether it was a miscommunication with Carlos or whatever, but I found myself behind him for the whole first sector, which wasn't great. It’s like this sometimes. We'll speak at the debrief about that to try and improve those situations." I said when out of the blue Lizzie stormed over and hugged me "That’s new." I chuckled.

"I’m so sorry! I was so mad about my messed up quali that I didn’t even ask about yours! Fuck! I’m sorry, Charles." she whispered and I smiled, she pulled away and gave me a kiss when her eyes widened and she blushed, looking at me, then Danica as if she just now realised where she was "Oh my god! Fuck! I- I’m sorry! Really!" she said hastily and then sauntered off, stopping next to Julie to continue her interview, cheeks still slightly red.

"Now that was cute." Danica smiled at me.

"I didn’t mind it at all." I laughed.

"Last question. What do you think is possible tomorrow?"

"I think our car is good enough to fight for a podium? So yeah, that’s the goal. That should be doable."

I heard the door unlocking, soft steps towards me. Then Lizzie hugging me from behind, not saying anything until I finished playing.

"You’re done?" she whispered and I hummed.

"Yeah…"

"It’s beautiful. Really. I can’t believe that you actually will release it! I will listen to my boyfriend’s music on Spotify!" she kissed the side of my head and I chuckled a little.

"You’ll probably be my only listener." I said and she scoffed.

"Oh please! You have the most loyal fans out there! They will listen to it 24/7!" she laughed and stepped next to me "I’m serious! And if not? Then l’ll listen to it on repeat for the rest for my life!"

"Oh god no! I don’t want you to get depressed!" I groaned and pulled her down in my lap.

"I’m a Ferrari fan at heart. I know a thing or two about being depressed. Not to mention the emotional rollercoaster of being your fan…" she said and I gasped.

"Cara mia! My poor, little heart!"

"You’ll be fine!" she laughed, got up and plopped down on the sofa.

I got up as well and grabbed my phone, texting Jean from Verdigris. I sat next to Lizzie in silence for a while when I got a notification.

"It will be released at midnight." I said and she did a little happy dance.

"So, what’s the title?" Lizzie asked and I handed her my phone, she looked at it and sighed "I’m sorry." she whispered, kissing my cheek.

"It’s okay. I’m over it. The song helped me. I know it wasn’t Lances fault. It wasn’t my phone. Racing incident… it’s like this." I smiled sadly at her, thinking back to the race in Melbourne 2 weeks ago. The race that ended for me already in lap 1.

"It still sucks…" she took my hands in hers and squeezed them.

"It does. But next up is Baku… I should do good there!" I said determined and Lizzie nodded.

"Hell yeah!"

I packed my suitcase, making sure to not forget anything when I got a text from Charles, asking when I would pick him up. I checked the time and texted back, focusing back on packing. When I was sure I had everything, I dressed up, grabbed my suitcase and bag and switched off the light in the bathroom and bedroom. I then checked if all the remaining lights were out, threw my phone and headphones in my bag and slipped on my shoes. Right when I was about to leave my phone rang and I fished it back out of my bag.

"I’m on my way!" I sighed, rolling my suitcase out the door, switching off the light in the hallway.

"Passport?" Charles chuckled and I cursed, switching the light back on, running inside "Why don’t you just put your passport into your bag?"

"Because I’m not using the same bag all the time?" I rolled my eyes, opening the drawer, grabbing my passport.

"Alright. You got it now? Then I’ll see you in a bit." he said and hung up.

I locked the door and waited for the elevator, getting in. As I was already late, I kept on hitting the button for the underground parking garage again and again.

"Come on! Faster!" I groaned, jumping out of the elevator the second the doors opened, hurrying to my car. The moment I looked at it I stopped dead in my tracks.

A single red rose, stuck under the windshield wiper. The red of the rose was such a stark contrast to the white of my car. Almost like a droplet of blood in a field of snow. On unsteady legs I walked the last steps to my car. Shaky hand outstretched to pick off the rose. No note attached. No note under the windshield wiper. No nothing. I looked around, checking if any of the other cars had a rose as well. No. Just mine. It couldn’t be from Charles. He knew I didn’t like red roses. No. That rose. That was someone else. I unlocked the car, opened the hood and threw my suitcase in, then I got inside. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. He must’ve slipped inside when someone else left or entered the garage. When I opened my eyes again and started the car I flinched. When I looked into the rear view mirror I saw Diaz’ message for me: in bold red letters on my rear window: I can see you. I jumped out of the car, walked to the back and began to wipe off the paint with my sleeve, smearing it all over the window. Frantically I tried to get rid of the paint, get rid of Diaz’ presence. When it was mostly gone I looked at my sleeves. The red paint stained my sweater. I pulled it off. Grabbed the rose from the passenger seat and threw both items in the rubbish bin, before sitting back down in the car. I tried to calm myself down, driving off. But my hands were trembling. I shouldn’t drive like this, so I pulled over and leaned back in the seat, closing my eyes. A wave of nausea hit me but I tried to breathe through it. Suddenly someone knocked on my window and I flinched.

"FUCK!" I almost screamed and looked to the side, a little girl looking at me. I rolled my window down "What?" I said way more harshly than intended and she made big eyes and shook her head.

"No-nothing. Sorry." she walked away hastily and I groaned.

Great. I just blew off steam at an innocent girl. Good job. I opened up the door and scrambled out of the car, my legs still shaky.

"Hey! Umm- excuse me!" I walked towards the girl who stood next to what looked like her parents. She stared at me with big eyes, hiding behind her mothers legs "I’m really sorry for snapping at you like that! It’s just. You scared me a little and I’m late and I-… you know what? Doesn’t matter. Nothing of that is an excuse to snap at you! I’m really, really sorry!" I kneeled down in front of her and she slowly stepped around her mother "What’s your name?"

"Amelie." she whispered and I smiled at her.

"What a beautiful name! Beautiful name for a beautiful girl."

"I like your name too." she giggled.

"What? Really? Thank you!" she nodded and then reached inside her pocket, pulling out a bracelet, handing it to me "Did you do that yourself?" I took the bracelet and looked at it "Yeah? It’s so pretty!" I put it on and her smile got even bigger.

"I like your bracelets!" she said and I held out my hand for her to look at some of the fan bracelets I accumulated over the past months, but also some of my own.

"Which one do you like the most?" I asked her and she pointed at the rose gold one with a tiny heart "Good choice!" I took it off and secured it tightly around her wrist, she made big eyes and looked at me.

"Oh! No! She can’t- we can’t take that!" Amelie’s mother said but I shook my head.

"It looks way better on you anyway!"

"Can I take a picture with you?" the little girl asked shyly.

"Of course!" I put my arm around her father took a picture of us.

"Thank you!" Amelie smiled and hugged me.

"No, thank you for the beautiful bracelet!" I said and got up.

"Thank you! Really! All she talks about are Charles and you!" her mother said and I laughed.

"That’s also my favourites topic, you know!" I winked at the little girl.

"Good luck in Baku!"

"Thank you!" with a last wave I walked back to my car and got inside. The remnants of Diaz message still visible on my rear window. I started the engine and drove off, trying to ground myself, knowing that Charles would be suspicious if he would see me in my current state.

I pulled over in front of his house where he already stood, shaking his head. He stored his suitcase inside and then opened the door.

"I thought you’re German! Punctual!" he chuckled and got inside, careful to not step on my beg on the floor. Then he leaned over, kissing me. He pulled away immediately, looking at me "Why did you cry?"

"What?" I drove off, looking at the street ahead.

"You cried! Why? What happened?" he kept on staring at me.

"How do you wanna know if I cried?" I chuckled.

"I’ve seen the tears streak on your cheeks and your lips tasted salty. Like tears. Your eyes are a little puffy and red. So? Why did you cry?" he was persistent.

"Taylor Swift." I said the first thing that came to my mind.

"Taylor Swift?"

"Taylor Swift. That’s why I was so late! When I was getting ready I scrolled through Insta and someone uploaded a clip from The Era’s Tour… and yeah I might’ve cried because I will never ever gonna see her live in concert because of our job… don’t look at me like that!" I lied and he looked at me for a moment, before he relaxed back in the seat.

"My little drama queen." he laughed as he looked out the window "Now hurry up, or Max will fly without us."

"Yes, Sir!" I said, speeding away towards the heliport. Hoping Charles wouldn’t see the stains of the red paint on the rear window, I tried to distract him "So, Baku… what do you think? Can you do the three consecutive poles?"

"We’ll see I guess." he shrugged his shoulders, right as I steered onto the parking lot of the heliport.

"Yeah… but I believe in you!" I turned off the engine and looked at him, a gentle smile spreading across his face as he leaned in.

"Then I can do it."

Chapter 31 - Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 2023 Formula 1 World Championship… full of racing, love, drama and trauma… 👀🙌

Please leave a comment/ like/ reblog/ message and tell me how you liked it! I'm dying to hear your thoughts!

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Last but not least, English is not my first language and although I tried my best: please excuse any mistakes I made!

Taglist:

@silkenthusiasts @eugene-emt-roe @sunny44 @itsjustkhaos @glitterquadricorn @aundercover @kakorrhaphiphobia @alittlebitofbooksandmagic @ru-kru @glitterf1 @janeholt3 @maeve-wileyy @18754389 @chiliwhore @hellowgoodbye @queensassybitchsworld @harrysdimple05 @skynel09

All the images I’m using are from Google, Pinterest and Instagram (or self made).

[damn-stark]

Before dawn

Takes place in-between chapter 1 of Tragedy at the Miller’s

Requested by @sunnybunnyy2 “please please please if you haven't already can you please write about the fight Joel and reader had and why he left her? And or; more about tommy, Maria and readers relationship before she left? It's my favourite the last of us fanfic and I need to know what happened. I am living for all of your stories<3”

A/N- SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG, I JUST NEEDED TO GET IN THE MINDSET FOR THIS SERIES AGAIN, AND I ALSO HAD OTHER FICS THAT NEEDED TO BE WRITTEN, I HOPE YOU LIKE IT THOUGH :)

Warning- ANGST, fluff, talks of death and suicidal thoughts, swearing, long chapter, fluff :)

Pairing- Joel Miller x daughter!reader

(If you want to be tagged let me know!)

————

How long has it been now? 18 years since the outbreak happened? Since…Sarah died? Time just blends together now since it’s been so long. What you are sure of though is that it all feels like a lifetime ago.

What you’d give to go back, to see your sister again, to be with your dad and be a family. That’s your birthday wish this year, for the big 22, to go back in time. Or at least to have five more minutes there, in that bubble that was your life before the outbreak destroyed it.

Then again…why should you wish for such a thing? You haven’t even seen your dad in…8 years?

Yeah, it’s been 8 years now since you’ve seen him, since you’ve spoken to him. You’ve heard about him through your uncle Tommy since they keep in touch over some radio. Which isn’t the same thing, you know, but that’s the best either of you have done.

Sarah would be disappointed. But it’s not like you’re at fault for it! He left! He left you. You just—

“What are you doing?” A voice breaks you from your train of thought.

“Hm?” You hum and drift your gaze to the side, spotting Maria looking at you in confusion.

You look down at the dishes you’re washing and then look at her. “Washin’ dishes?”

Maria’s eyebrows furrow slightly before she just begins to shoo you away. “Come on, move over. Today is the only day you’re excused from your chores, remember?”

Oh right, birthday pass. There’s too much running in your mind to remember.

“You okay?” She asks as you step aside to let her take over.

She knows you well, she’s known how to read you since the moment you met. It’s touching, but kinda weird too.

She’s too observant.

“Yeah,” you lie. “Yeah.” You nod.

Maria’s eyes narrow on you, they dig in you. You can feel the burning sensation, so you just avert your gaze and turn to lean back against the kitchen counter.

“Grease,” you blurt. “I want to watch Grease tonight.”

Maria keeps studying you, but she doesn’t choose to press you, she looks at the dishes and nods slowly. “Okay. And hey, I still have some of that nail polish. We can do each other's nails while we watch the movie.”

You smile at the ground and nod eagerly. “Yeah, that sounds fun. I’ll go get it and start the movie.” You push yourself away and hurry on to do what you said while you think. You try not to, you really try not to think, but it’s impossible now, it’s hard not to think about memories on your birthday.

Sarah used to paint your nails, you tried to paint hers but she always got annoyed that you painted around her nails, so instead your dad let you paint his toenails. Not his fingernails because you didn’t want his friends at work to laugh at him, you were considerate that way.

Your birthdays used to be your favorite, even after the outbreak. It was never big, especially not after, but they tried and you loved it every time. After your fourteenth birthday though, your birthdays were a reminder of what you couldn't have, of what you lost. You’ve tried, there’s been some happy birthdays since you got to Jackson, but this year has been especially hard.

There’s moments where you just wish this was your last.

“…so I told her just to get out of my face,” Maria’s story intrigues you.

You smile softly up at her. “Just like I said?” You tease.

Maria looks up from your nail and nods. “Yeah. Just like you told me.”

You giggle and sit back, you try to just bask in the joy she feels, in the joy you see on your uncle Tommy’s face.

“Sunny, come take my shoes off,” your uncle Tommy says as he puts his boots up on the coffee table.

You scrunch your nose in disgust and scoff. “As if. Do it yourself, chump.”

Your uncle chuckles. “Maria, Sunny here was the nicest girl. The times I’d go visit after work she’d coming runnin’ to greet us. She’d take our shoes off and bring me my beer.”

Maria laughs, and you snort. “Austin can bring you your beer,” you talk about your dog. “Atlas and I trained him to do it.” You smirk proudly.

Your uncle shrugs. “Yeah, well it ain’t the same.”

You roll your eyes and sit back with your right hand still in Maria’s grasp. “Well, you’re gonna have to get a maid then. ‘Cause Maria ain’t doing it either.”

“Yeah,” she laughs. “Because he takes my shoes off.”

You giggle and peer back. “Whipped.” You make the sound effect, and your uncle quickly grabs the pillow off the couch and hurls it at your head.

When it hits you though, it makes you move so Maria gets annoyed. “I just messed up. Thanks a lot.”

“Sorry,” you whisper even if you weren’t at fault.

You then proceed to drift your eyes to the tv to watch the movie that was playing, but neither of you were actually paying attention to due to the small conversations you’re holding.

Well they’re doing most of the talking, you're just listening. And unknowingly showing the emotions you’ve been trying to hide from the both of them.

“Are you okay?” Maria asks.

You blink and slowly meet her gaze. “Hm?” You probe with feigned confusion.

Maria briefly meets your gaze before grabbing your other hand to paint your other hand. “I’ve noticed you’ve been quiet, and you’ve been looking down.”

Shit. Shit.

Your uncle Tommy is waiting for an answer now too. You can feel his stare.

“I…”

It’s not like you can just burst out with everything you’ve been feeling recently—No, everything that’s been building up for the past couple of years. One, you don’t want to ruin today, and two, you hardly know what it is you’re feeling. It’s all so confusing, so unlike you. Angry? Sad? Lost?

“I’m okay,” you assure her and offer her a soft smile so she won’t poke further. “Just, you know, birthday blues over the fact I’m getting a year older. I wish I could look young forever.”

“Such a travesty,” your uncle teases.

“Blah,” you stick your tongue out.

“Hm,” Maria hums unsurely, but just leaves you be again. “Okay.”

You muster a wider smile to show it to her, to assure her even if you do wish for some sort of comfort, for someone to tell you that you’re actually fine. That nothings wrong with you. But you can’t worry them today, so you just watch the movie, and when Maria finishes painting your nails you move on to hers.

Once your nails are painted all nice and look all manicured, you finally pay attention to the movie along with your little family. Maria lays against your uncle, and you lay your head on Maria’s lap and let her caress the side of your head.

It’s a simple moment. Something that maybe you should grow out of, but you can’t help it, you like your little family; Maria, your uncle Tommy, and you. You’re content with them, you like being coddled by them even at 22. It lets you feel safe, something you failed to feel sometimes in your life due to your circumstances.

So…what is it that’s bugging you? That has you so…raveled?

Maybe going to your meadow and laying under the stars will help? Bring some ease to your aching heart?

Thus when the movie is over, after the clock strikes 12 am and brings a new day and ends your birthday, you return home. Rather than walking inside through the front door, you instead walk past the gate and head straight to your meadow in your backyard.

It’s been raining for the best couple of days, and you’ve also been busy so you haven’t had time to come and just find joy in your precious meadow you made for Sarah. Not until tonight.

Yet when you step past the porch fence, when you take a step in the meadow, there’s no flowers decorating the green pasture. Not even the winter wildflowers live, the meadow is dull…For the first time since you began to grow this meadow, it’s empty.

The stars…

You look up, but the sky is clouded, no stars gleam in the sky. The only source of light comes from the porch light. But the sky is dark and grey, dull like the once vivid meadow. And so the relief you came in search for, the joy you ached to find here is nothing but a dream, the very memory of your sister that rested on those very flowers is gone, like her.

There’s nothing here. There’s nothing here for you. Yes, you do find happiness in the little things, in your family that lives here, your friends, your plays you produce and star in, the other people that live here, this town in general, but what do you have to live for?

There’s nothing here. It’s dark, the only light is dim and it’s you, everything else is basked in darkness. You search for more source of light, something to bask the gap in your heart that was once full and complete because of your dad, but when he left, everyday, little by little that gap slowly lost its light. Now you’re alone, dimming away.

So maybe it’s time to go. You’ve been thinking about it, planning it now for a while—it will be a country wide trip. You’ve commented about it to other people and they want to go too.

Will you come back though?

It’s okay if you find your end somewhere out there.

——

*8 YEARS BACK. OUTSIDE BOSTON.*

“Oh!” You exclaim happily, and don’t fret to leave your source of light behind on debris to carefully fit through a gap left between slabs of cement debris.

“Hey! Y/N, what the hell are you doin?” Your uncle Tommy shouts after you.

“I found somethin’ inside, shine your light!” You yell back without bothering to further explain yourself, plus, it’s a closed off room with the only way in and out through the gap you just climbed through. There’s no infected so nothing to worry about.

Your dad will still be pissed though. If he finds out…

Which he will! Your uncle Tommy is a snitch!

“Did you check your surroundings at least,” your uncle has no choice but to just say now.

“Yep,” you groan.

After a few more seconds of hearing little rocks roll down the slabs of cement, after squeezing yourself through a small gap only you fit through, you finally make it out and land in the little break room that was once part of some kind of store.

“I made it,” you comment through the gap.

Finally your uncle does what you had asked and shines his flashlight through the gap, managing to blind you in that instant.

“Just hurry on up,” he counters back, annoyed. “We’re gonna be leavin’ soon.”

You hum in agreement and turn around to face the little corner that was left open.

There isn’t much to search through, but you still start at the top right cabinet.

Albeit there’s nothing. Next; open box of expired crackers, mugs, and more open bags of expired dry food. Great.

Next—haha! Jackpot! Instant coffee!

“Look!” You shout and spin around to show off your sweet find. “It’s coffee!”

“Oh? Really? Closed?” Your uncle asks.

You drop your gaze and double check that it’s still sealed. That there’s no mold or icky stuff.

“Yes! It’s safe!” You squeal, and then slide a backpack strap off your shoulder to stuff the coffee container in your pack. “My dad will love it! Maybe we still have time to boil some.” You throw out happily.

This time your uncle hesitates to answer, so you look up and question his silence. “You hear me?”

You can’t see his face because the light blocks his face, but he hesitates again before simply humming in agreement.

Weird, but you don’t question it. You just continue to search, and end up finding sealed granola bars, and some useful utensils other people glossed over. It’s too bad you can’t search the rest of the store since it’s all crumbled. There probably would’ve been some cool things.

At least you found coffee though.

Which is why you leave the little corner break room and climb back out. Once you’re near the exit your uncle Tommy helps you back up to stable ground.

“Found some granola,” you let him know and hand him one bar. “See, it was worth it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he mutters. “Come on. We’ve been gone longer than we should have already.”

Hopefully your dad won’t be upset, you woke up earlier than he did because your uncle invited you to patrol with him, which he hardly ever does, so your dad didn’t see you leave.

He tends to get mad over little things like this, but you don’t mind much, he just gets worried. Plus today you have coffee for him. It’s his favorite.

“Sunny,” your uncle interjects after staying quiet the entire way back to your camp. “Can I tell you something before we get to camp?”

You brush him off due to your excitement to get the coffee to your dad. “Tell me later, I want to give my dad what I found.” And since camp is right ahead, and your surroundings are clear, you make a run for it back to camp.

The few people that are traveling with you from the Boston Quarantine zone bid you a goodmorning, and you happily greet them back with a gleeful smile, whilst you also search for your dad amongst them.

However, he’s not amongst the crowd. Maybe he’s still resting. So you don’t lose a pep in your step and head to where you last saw him resting.

Nevertheless, when you get to where he had been sleeping, he’s not there, nor is his sleeping bag, or his stuff. Weird…

Maybe he’s just walking around.

Now you slow down and start your careful search.

“Y/N,” your uncle calls out from some paces behind you. “Let’s talk babygirl.”

Where is this man?

You reach the end of the perimeter of your camp and he’s still no where around. He wasn’t with the others, or waiting for you anywhere. So where did he go?

“Uncle Tommy,” you finally address the man as you turn to face him with growing concern. “Where’s my dad?”

Your uncle Tommy finally catches up to you, and quickly averts his gaze while he lets out a deep breath that begins to worry you.

“Uncle Tommy?” You probe and slowly feel your joy fade away and get completely overtaken by concern.

“Y/N,” he mumbles and grabs your shoulder. “Your dad…he’s not coming with us.”

What?

“What do you mean?” You giggle nervously. “He was with us this morning. He left Boston with us. Is this a prank?” You scoff. “Because it’s not funny.”

Your uncle doesn’t break into a laugh, he doesn’t smile, his frown deepens and his eyes express…sadness.

“Your dad is going to stay in Boston,” your uncle adds. “He just wanted to accompany us outside of Boston. But he’s not comin’ along anymore.”

He’s still joking. He—your dad couldn’t have just left you. His daughter. His youngest daughter. His daughter that still needs him. He didn’t leave.

“Stop,” you push your uncle away. “It’s not funny. Where is he?”

Your uncle sighs. “Sunny I’m being serious, your dad left. He’s not comin’...I’m sorry.”

But why?

Your eyes fill with tears and something tight wraps around your heart.

“Then we have to go back,” you begin to insist as you’re now in denial. “We have to go back to him. We can’t just leave him.” You turn to try and head back, but your uncle quickly manages to grab you and pulls you back.

“No, we’re not goin’ nowhere, he wants us to keep goin’. Together.”

You shake your head. “No. I can’t leave without him. Uncle Tommy, he’s my dad. We can’t,” you begin to stammer, feeling your throat begin to burn. “We have to go back. Please.” You keep trying to head back to Boston, but your uncle gets ahold of both of your shoulders and makes you face him.

“I’m sorry, but no. He left. He doesn’t want to come okay? But we’ll see him again. We’ll find a nice town, not one like this Quarantine Zone. You’ll make friends and you’ll learn to fight with the Fireflies in the meanwhile. Okay? And when—”

“Why?” You cut him off with tears streaming down your cheeks. “Why isn’t my daddy comin’?” You felt like a child again. A child exposed to danger, left in the dark. “Why did he leave me? Did I make him mad? Did I do somethin’?”

Your uncle quickly shakes his head. “No, no. Baby, no. He’s just…your dad just wants to stay. I’m sorry I can’t give a better excuse, a different reason, but he wants us to do better. He wants you to do better. Don’t you still want that?”

It’s been your dream, but…

“He doesn’t love me?” You whisper in a shaky voice.

Your uncle nods. “He loves you. I think he’s just strugglin’, it happens you know? I think everything that’s happened affected him differently, and he’s just grown scared to mess up with you. He’s afraid of losing you, I think that’s why he left. But he will never stop loving you. He just needs time, okay?”

You still don’t understand why he left you. But you also don’t really want to go back. Especially not now.

“Okay,” you mutter sadly.

Your uncle wipes away your tears and offers you an assuring smile. “It’s just you and me now, Sunny,” he says.

You feel assured by his words, by the fact that he stayed with you, but now without your dad it feels like something went off inside you.

——

*NOW. JACKSON.*

“I think I can pull it off. I’ve been reading some welding books. I mean I was in construction. How hard can welding a ring be?”

Your uncle Tommy has been going on about fixing Maria’s wedding band that didn’t fit her. You’ve been partially listening throughout your patrol, but your mind drifts to different thoughts about how you’re going to tell him you want to leave. How you’re going to explain it so he won’t get super upset.

“Is it hard?”

You blink and look over at him. His eyes were already on you though, so he catches the fact that you weren’t paying attention. “You okay?” He asks again. This is his second time today. Just like Maria, he suspects something’s wrong.

But you aren’t ready yet. “Yeah,” you lie, and drop your head to brush your fingers through your horse's hair. “I’m fine.”

Your uncle's gaze lingers on you, you feel him study you for a moment. Will he believe you?

“You know,” he interjects. “I’ve been in your life since you were a baby…”

Fuck, you should’ve known better.

“…I raised you for 8 years,” he continues. “It was just the two of us for a lot of those years, so you think I don’t know you, but I do. I know what every little expression means, I know when you’re sad, when you’re angry, especially when you’re excited and happy. I don’t want to drag it out of you, but you’re starting to worry me, Sunny. So tell me, please.”

Fuck. Fuck.

Your eyes are watering, you didn’t want to cry, but every word he said just now triggered those tears you hold back to fill your eyes.

“Well…” you start off slowly and keep your eyes averted. “I…” fuck. “I’ve decided that I’m going to leave.” You slowly drift your eyes to him and notice that he looks confused.

“Leave what?” He asks. “Your house? I thought you liked livin’ there?”

You nod slowly. “Yeah, I do. But it’s not that. I...” You pause and blink repeatedly as your courage falters. “I’m goin’ to leave Jackson.”

At the sound of your words your uncle brings his horse to a stop, so you follow suit to stay close. He then looks at you for a moment in disbelief before he chuckles dryly, and looks away at the woods that surround you. You don’t add anything, you let him wallow in what you just said and wait.

When he finally finds his emotions, his words, he faces you and shakes his head. “No,” he blurts. “You’re not leavin’ anywhere.”

“Uncle Tommy you can’t make me stay,” you argue. “I’m twenty-two. I’m an adult now, not a little girl or a teenager. I’m grown—”

“You’re not actin’ like it,” he cuts you off frustrated. “I mean it’s stupid. It’s crazy. You have a life here, you’re safe, here. There’s nothing out there but death.”

You shrug and keep holding in your tears. “Yeah, I know that…but I want to take the risk. I need to find who I am. I…don’t know who I am anymore,” you say in a shaky voice. “I’m lost. There’s an emptiness that keeps growing, that keeps pushing away the light that's over me. And I’m afraid if I stay here the darkness is going to swallow me.”

Your uncle scoffs and looks away as he shakes his head. “So what? You think you’re goin’ to find this light by what? Getting eaten by infected?” He spats. “Are you listening to yourself? We don’t live in the other life anymore, y/n, you can’t just grab a backpack and travel the world! The world is dangerous—”

“I know that!” You cut him with frustration that he’s not understanding. “I know that. Don’t you think I know that?” You sit back and exhale deeply, feeling the tears that you tried to hold back finally roll down your cheeks. “But I’m tired, I…I’m tired. I want to travel the country, prove to myself that I can make it by myself. I need to find myself, and that’s not here.” You shake your head. “I’m sorry, but you won’t change my mind. Nor will Maria.”

Your uncle holds your gaze with a hardened pointed glare, and nods along slowly in comprehension. He stays quiet and adds tension to the silence. He drops his head and draws in a deep breath before looking up at you and exhaling.

“Fine,” he deadpans. “Leave,” he spats angirly, and surprises you. “I won’t stop you. You want to die out there, be my guest…”

“Uncle Tommy,” you whimper.

“No, don’t. Your dad left and that hurt. I stayed strong for you, but I was hurt. He was my brother and he left. He chose to break us apart in this desolate world,” he says with cracks in his own voice caused by overwhelming anger. “You made my life good, lookin’ out for you kept me from losin’ myself. But I still live with this gap in my heart because I don’t know if it was Joel’s last day and I didn’t know. So if you go too I won’t let that consume me. I can’t.” He shakes his head. “You want to go? Go. I won’t chase you and I won’t worry.”

And just like that his words cut deep in your already bleeding heart. This isn’t what you wanted, you didn’t expect him to give you his back, not him. He’s the only family you have left since your dad left you. He’s everything to you and so much more, you don’t want him to forsake you.

“Uncle Tommy,” you plead.

“No,” he interjects quickly. “No. Just,” he sputters and nudges his horse's reins. “Don’t. I'm done.” And just like that he rides ahead without waiting for you. He leaves you behind with tears streaming down the curve of your cheeks. He leaves you aching.

But he doesn’t change your mind from what you plan to do. Nothings going to change your mind anymore. You just wanted his blessing, or a comfort. But you got neither.

How will Maria react? He’s probably going to tell her as soon as he gets back home, will she forsake you too?

If she does you’ll truly have nothing. Perhaps then that dimming light will snuff out completely, leaving you with nothing but a vast emptiness.

——

*LATER*

After your uncle Tommy ran out on you, you took the long way back home just to get your thoughts straight. To think of what you need to tell Maria.

She’ll be worse than your uncle perhaps.

Nevertheless, you do hope to run into your uncle to talk, to not leave things tense, but the further you walk inside your gated community, the more hope you lose about seeing him. Other people greet you when they see you, some of his friends wave at you, but you don’t see him amongst them.

You hoped to see Maria too, but she’s also not around—Then again that’s a good thing, you still need time before you talk to her.

One person you do run into though is Apollo, your best friend and housemate. He spots you first and runs at you. When he’s beside you he throws his arm around your neck and pulls you towards him.

“What’s up sunshine!”

You roll your eyes to him and shoot him a teasing look. “Sunshine? If your girlfriend hears she’ll probably beat you.”

Apollo scoffs and shrugs. “Now, now, stop all that yapping, okay? It’s not fair just because you don’t like her.”

You scoff in disgust. “Yeah. I don’t. I can read people you know. She gives me a bad feeling.”

Apollo rolls his eyes and lets you go. You quickly glance at him and see his discontent.

“I'm sorry,” you quickly correct yourself. “I'll try to stop. I'm just…looking out for you,” you explain as you nudge him. “Which is not an excuse, but…” you sigh. “We’ve known each other basically a life time now. It’s my job.”

Apollo meets your gaze and sighs but nods slowly. “I know. What has it been now? Fuck,” he laughs softly. “Seven years?”

You nod. “A lifetime.” You look away from him to look your path ahead.

“Which is why…I know somethings up with you,” Apollo mentions and gently nudges you. “What’s wrong?”

You exhale deeply and drop your gaze. “I told my uncle Tommy about my plans. He…got mad at me, he…turned his back on me,” you reveal in a shaking voice. “I mean i knew—I expected him to get upset, but this? He’s all I got.” You stop walking and sniffle.

Apollo knew about your plans, he knew about them when they were just running thoughts. He of course doesn’t approve of it, but he’s been more lenient.

“You have to just give him a moment to think,” Apollo says as he stops in front of you. “You’re all he has too you know?”

“He has Maria,” you add right away. “His wife.”

“In that case you have Maria too,” Apollo argues.

You slowly look up at him with a watery gaze and shake your head softly. “But does that matter? I view her as a maternal figure, but I’ll never be her child. I’ll never be their child. They’ll have a kid sooner or later and I’ll be forgotten while they stay a family. Which is the reason I shouldn’t be uspet about my uncle really, it’ll hurt less when he eventually leaves me behind like…” you trail off and drop your head to wipe away your tears.

“You’re crazy,” Apollo interjects. “You’re crazy to think that your uncle Tommy and Maria would do that.”

You shake your head in disapproval because your dad left you. The one person you thought would stay in your life forever left you without a second thought. Like if you were a piece of trash.

“You mean the world to them, the both of them,”

He continues. “It’s why your uncle fought against your plans, why he got upset.

Because he can’t fathom the thought of losing you, his niece, a girl he raised through this hell, his daughter.”

You meet Apollo's gaze and let out a soft cry.

“He’s not forsaking you,” Apollo continues softer. “He’s fighting for you. In his own way. You mean something to him. To her. To me. To Mia, Atlas, to everyone that sees the plays you put on with all your love for something you’re keeping alive…isn’t that enough to let you stay?”

You hold his gaze and shake your head.

Apollo nods slowly in comprehension. “Then just give him time, okay?” Apollo asks of you. “He cares.” He offers you a tiny smile, and you wipe your tears off your face and just nod. You can’t actually say anything, you’re too emotional.

“Come here,” Apollo adds and carefully wraps his arms around you.

You let out a small, relieved laugh and hug him back. “Thank you,” you whisper.

Apollo rubs your back and responds softly. “I’m here for you.”

You stay in each other's embrace for a moment longer, basking in each other's warmth and presence. When you do pull away he keeps his arm around you, and you continue your way home.

“Now come on,” he says sweetly. “We can eat lunch and watch something while you come up with what you’re gonna tell Maria. Because…I’m scared for you.”

You chuckle. “I’m scared too. She might tie me up.”

Apollo gasps. “I got your next play!” He exclaims. “Rapunzel! And hey you can actually be locked away in some tower! Talk about bringing your character to life!”

You roll your eyes in annoyance, but you can’t help but laugh.

He had a way to do that, he finds ways to make you happy when you’re upset. And it worked for a while, he made lunch and you watched a movie, eventually your friend and other housemate Mia came home too, so she joined in and you felt happy. But when the moment was done, when you were alone in your room, the happiness left.

Thoughts overwhelm your mind, different variations of thoughts. Music though…it helps and keeps things quiet.

Albeit there is one person who surfaces to mind. He exists only in your memory, just like Sarah. It’s been 8 fucking years since you’ve seen him. Since he left. And even after all of it, all the ugly side that came out of him, you still want to see him again. Maybe one more time to hug him, have him hold you and remind you of the much simpler things, of home.

You can’t return home, but one warm embrace, his scent will make it feel like you’re home again—

Nevertheless, as you’re lost in thought, suddenly the music from your headphones stops playing. “Hey,” you complain and sit up. That’s when you see Maria with the cord in her hand.

Fuck.

You pull the headphones down to your neck and scoot to the edge of your bed with your gaze averted since she looks upset. “Hey,” you greet softly.

“You missed dinner,” she breaks her silence and throws the cord on the bed.

There’s no time for small talk, you can’t sit here and just pretend she doesn’t know. “Uncle Tommy told you,” you state.

Maria exhales deeply and sits besides you on the bed before she nods. “He told me this crazy ass story that you want to leave.”

You blink repeatedly and sniffle. “He’s mad,” you state again.

“Yeah,” she scoffs. “He’s pissed…” she trails off and lets out a deep sigh before she shifts around to face you. “I wouldn't be a good guardian, protector…mother, if I didn’t try to convince you to stay.”

You slowly drag your eyes up and meet her dark brown eyes with sadness.

“It’s a stupid idea,” she continues with anger in her own voice, in her own expression. “You have a life here. A life you’re building. Things are never going to be easy, life isn’t that simple. But that’s life. Even now.”

You shake your head. “I don’t expect life to be easy,” you argue. “I don’t want to leave because life is hard. I…” you pause and drop your head. “You can’t convince me to stay Maria. I’m not a little girl anymore to be protected, I have to experience on my own if my choices are bad, he can’t decide that anymore.” You shake your head. “I want…” you come to another pause and shake your head.

“I don’t know when I’m going to die,” you continue, “it might be tomorrow, next week or years from now, but it will happen though, and I don’t just want to know these walls. I need to live for myself, not be protected all the time…I want to see the ugly and the beautiful, know it before I die.” You lift your head and meet her gaze with tears running down your cheeks.

“You didn’t let me finish,” she says softly. “I won’t fight you to stay, but you tell me, give me a great reason why I should let you leave. Why you want to leave and I’ll see you off. I’ll accept your existential crisis, I’ll worry but wish you the best.”

You look at her with confusion and probe. “You’re not mad?”

“I’m furious,” she states seriously. “But I want to listen to you. I know somethings wrong, just talk to me.”

It wasn’t your birthday anymore to avoid ruining your day for them, but you also don’t want to burden her with your trauma.

Maria notices your reluctance though and presses you. “Come on please.”

You shrug and wipe away your tears, but still can’t utter a word.

“It better not be because of him,” Maria interjects without naming your father.

You sigh and finally answer her. “I tried, you know. I was scared of everything, but I tried to fight away the fear so he could stop gettin’ mad at me. Because that’s all he was, mad all the time.”

“You were just a kid,” Maria argues.

You nod softly. “Yes, but I had to grow up to survive. So he could look at me with a proud smile and tell me I’m doin’ good,” you continue shakily. “But…no matter what I did it angered him because I could never be her. He loved her deeply, after she died a part of him died too. Maybe that’s one of the reasons he left…” you pause and fight your tears back. “…I was never enough for him. And after he left I was angry, I pretended he was dead…it was easier that way. But I’m still here, and it’s back, that feeling like I’m not worth something, like I’m a failure.”

Tears roll down your cheeks after the fight you tried to maintain didn’t last whatsoever. Maria notices right away and takes your hand in hers.

“That’s not true,” she argues against your comment.

You avert your gaze and sniffle. “But it is, I was never enough for him to stay with me. I’m not enough…I’m a failure.”

“You’re only 22 years old,” she adds. “You’re still young. You still have a lot to accomplish, so much life to live.”

You slowly meet her gaze and counter. “That doesn’t matter or take away from what I feel. That’s why I need to leave. So I can find me, by myself, and not get coddled. I can’t numb away my pain anymore or else I’ll get swallowed by the void that’s already surrounding me.”

Maria holds your gaze and nods along slowly in comprehension. Neither of you say anything for a while, you let her think. And after a while she finally responds by pulling you in an embrace.

“I hate that you feel that way,” she says as you hug her back carefully, almost out of fear she’s going to take it back and just scold you. “I can contradict you in so many ways, but your mind is set. You’re an adult…we can’t force you to stay. Just promise you’ll fight to stay alive. That you’ll come back.”

You nod. “Yes,” you assure her with a wobbly smile. “I swear I’ll fight.” You then pull back and face her. “What about my uncle Tommy?” You slide your hands to your lap and clench them to fists to dig your nails in your palm. “I don’t want to leave with him mad at me.”

Maria scoffs. “Just talk to him. I have. He’s home.”

Your uncle and you don’t argue much, not even when you were younger and your emotions were all over the place, so when you do it was like a tragedy to you, after your anger passed of course. You hate having the sun set on your anger, if you could you resolve your issues that same day. Of course sometimes it takes time, but this time, even if you aren’t leaving at this very moment, you can’t have his back turned on you.

You just hope he feels the same, hopefully he doesn’t want to have days to himself. The longest you’ve gone without talking to your uncle is probably like, two days. You won’t survive a whole week, or weeks!

However, when you do get to their house, since Maria left to let you have time alone, the atmosphere between your uncle and you is full of tension. It’s deafening. He keeps himself busy for a moment, but when he joins you in the living room the silence is awkward.

What can you tell him? You didn’t do anything wrong, and you said everything you needed to say…

Wait!

“I hope you know,” you break the silence softly. “Nothing will change my mind, but I still hope that you can accept and respect my choice. I need you to or else I won’t be at peace.” You look over at him and notice he keeps looking ahead.

Your uncle then proceeds to let out a deep breath, he drops his head and looks at his cup of alcohol solemnly.

“I promised Maria that I’d fight to come back,” you add. “To tell you the truth I was fine not coming back, but…you mean everything to me, I can’t do that to you. Or Maria. So I will fight, I will come back. I promise.”

Your uncle blinks repeatedly and slowly lifts his head and faces you. “You swear it?” He says.

You nod. “I swear,” you assure him.

Your uncle sighs but he then nods softly. You let out a relieved sigh and can’t help it, you throw your arms around him and hug him tightly.

“I love you, you know?” You tell him.

He nods and hugs you back. “I know,” he says. “I love you too. That’s why I got angry. But you didn’t deserve how it came out. I’m sorry.”

You shake your head. “It’s okay. I understand.” You hug him tighter and just relish in the comfort he brings you. You stay in each others embrace for a moment, and this time when you’re apart the silence isn’t full of fucking tension, it’s comfortable.

But after a while he breaks it slowly and in a shaky voice. “The dark days are gone…And the bright days are here,” he continues in a soft sing-song voice. “My Sunny one shines so sincere…”

Oh. Oh! It’s a song, Sunny, by Boney M. He loves to play this song when you’re around, he also loved to play it when he would come to your house before. It’s your song.

“Sunny,” you join in very softly, and with tears rolling down your cheeks and a smile on your face.

“One so true, I love you…” you both trail off and begin to laugh. You then look at one another and chuckle harder.

“I hope you find everything you’re looking for,” he says.

“Yeah,” you sigh. “I hope so too.” You then let your head fall on his shoulder, and he doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arm around your shoulders and press a kiss on the top of your head.

.

.

.

.

Tagged- @slut-f0r-u @star-wars-lover @maplecohen @givemylovetoall @itzagothamcitysiren @sammy-13 @beloved-reblogger @emiriia @rues-daya @sunfairyy @littleshadow17 @mcu-starwars @bigtuffswordboy @riaqiax @dheet @queenofthekill @joliettes @d4rno @dgraysonss @rana030 @pedropascalluvr41 @ahoyyharrington @beaniebeensbaby201 @maeneedsabreak @maelartasch @adristyles @daughterofthequeen @alastorhazbin @ririvilliams @khaylin27 @hypatia93 @hummusxx @v4mpyk1tten @1donoow @your-shifting-gurl @g4ns3y @izzzzy-the-amazing @aphr0d1teh @lovelyygirl8 @ivy-taylorsversion

[stardust948]

Frenemies AU angst

(I found this in my drafts and decided to post it. Based off this post.)

Iroh is a senior in military school or already in the military. The parents gaang is junior year in HS so around 16 and 17

Ozai still lives with Azulon but Azulon is hardly at home bc of work. When he is there or when Ozai knows he’s coming soon, he just doesn’t come back until he leaves again. Either stays with Ursa in her RV or roams around town in his car. Later stays with Hakoda and Bato when they become closer friends.

Azulon blames Ozai for Ilah’s death since she died during childbirth. He’s always been emotionally and verbally abusive to Ozai but it didn’t get physical until Iroh left for military boarding school. Ozai was 8-10ish. Mainly involved being burned or tased, which left less of physical scars.

There was a big fight between the two when Ozai announced he wanted to go to Republic Arts high school and pursue a career as a musician. Azulon wanted Ozai to follow his footsteps and go to military school like Iroh. But he backed off after Iroh vouched for his brother. Still, he refused to pay for the school but Ozai earned a scholarship and Iroh covered the rest. Ozai swore up and down he’d pay him back but Iroh just told him to give him free backstage access to his concerts and they’re even. Azulon and Ozai avoided each other after that; strangers in the same home. They physical abuse ended but the threat was still there and the mental scars lasting.

After the incident at the contest, Ursa finds Ozai sitting in his car at the school’s parking lot. She knows better to ask if he’s alright or what was wrong. Instead, she tells him to get into her car and they go back to her RV. There, they spend the rest of the night watching movies and cuddling. Ozai’s feeling somewhat better in the morning; able to speak some but not back to his usual loveable a-hole self. Though he is confused to receive a text from Hakoda of all people checking on him.

Hakoda: Hey man, you good?

Ozai: Are you seriously asking me if I’m good after burning a layer of my skin off?

Hakoda: You kinda just left after without a word.

Ozai: Because I burned a layer of my skin off.

Hakoda: Ozai, I’ve seen you explode over someone using your special pen without permission but you just shut down after burning your hand. Are you sure you’re okay?

Ozai: Who won?

Hakoda: Poppy.

Ozai: We’re going to be hearing about that for all next week.

Hakoda: She was pretty worried about you. We all were. You know, you can talk to me if you want.

Ozai: I just wanted to know who won. Now stop bothering me or I’m blocking you.  

Ozai closed his phone. Just then Ursa stuck her head through the door.

“Hey, my mom made pancakes. You want any?”

Ozai shook his head.

“Alright honey. Keep an eye on my children. I’ll be right back.”

Ozai smiled some as he rolled his eyes. Ursa always referred to her hoard of plants and succulents as her children. Still exhausted, he laid back down and pulled the cover over his head. Out of curiosity, he check his phone one last time.

Hakoda: Ok. See at school.

Ozai powered down his phone. He didn’t have the energy to be annoyed. He ran a hand along the bandages before drifting back to sleep.

///

The conversation they had in the janitor’s closet came flooding back. Hakoda’s seen Ozai fly off the rail many times, but that was the first time he looked guenically hurt. Hakoda’s clumsy joke about Dads also didn’t help. Hakoda cringed at the memory.

His mind drifted to the events after. The dark play Ozai wrote about the little boy slowly dying in the burning building wishing only to see his father again. Finally meeting Ozai’s father with his cold exterior and calculating eyes that made even the brash self-confident Ozai shrink back. And to top it off, Ozai saying he’d never seen his father look happier.

Hakoda didn’t know what to think at the time. He just assumed Azulon was like his father, criticizing his every move and lamenting how he wasn’t good enough.

///

Ozai refuses to bring it up despites Ursa’s suggestions of seeking professional help, even after he and Ursa wed and had children. Not until he lost his temper with Zuko and almost burned him like Azulon. Zuko’s horrified scream snapped Ozai out of it last second. Falling back onto old habits, Ozai took shelter in his car for the night and wept bitterly. Ursa finds him and directly tells him to get help which he finally relents.

It's very slow going but beneficial in the long run. Most importantly, his children never saw that side of Ozai again.

@waterfire1848

[razorblade180]

Growing Up

Scroll rings

Yang:Thank you for calling Domino’s. Is this pickup or delivery?

Ruby:Wow, it’s a week since Kovu left for school and you’ve already gone crazy.

Yang:I miss my little man so much! Dad never told us how much it sucked when we left for Beacon!

Ruby:Bet he’s laughing now. Welcome to club sis. You could always make another one?

Yang:*shivers* I don’t know about all that. Honestly I don’t understand how- ummm

Ruby:How I kept going after one? Heh, well… it took awhile.

Yang:…Sorry. I didn’t mean-

Ruby:I know, and I’m flattered. Also thankful. Carmine may not have been here if I didn’t see you and Blake’s adorable little guy.

Yang:Thanks, but you would’ve found the resolve. Always do. Garnet is even more proof. How is the little hell raiser?

Ruby:At the park with papa. Has Kovu called you about Carmine yet?

Yang:Pfft, no. I’m positive he doesn’t know she’s there, and I’ve been told not to tell him.

Ruby:She called you!?

Yang:Yeah. She was practically begging. Not that she needed to.

Ruby:Hmm….

Yang:….Hasn’t called you in awhile?

Ruby:Not as often as I’d like…I don’t know. It’s complicated. We’re complicated.

Yang:If she’s anything like her mom, which she is, I’m certain Carmine just doesn’t know how to talk to you these days. Let her be for now.

Ruby:I think the one she got from me is using work to ignore figuring stuff out. Can’t think about family drama if you’re busy shooting a Nevermore, hehe sigh… You know what’s weird? I can’t imagine how mom would feel in these situations. She never got see us start living our lives.

Yang:I’m sure she would’ve been a little conflicted like anybody else.

Ruby:On one hand, I want my girl to comeback not just to spend time together, but because I know the world can be dangerous. There’s moments I want to guide her through personally; even if they aren’t the ones she wants to know. On the other hand…I’m highly aware the world is better because of what she’s doing.

Yang:Gee, kinda sounds like when you ran off ahead of everyone all those years ago.

Ruby:That was…kinda different.

Yang:…….

Ruby:Okay, maybe not so different.

Yang:Eventually Carmine is going to learn to either slow down for others to catch up, or go back for them. In this case, I’m leaning towards her coming to you.

Ruby:You sound so certain.

Yang:Of course! Despite the ups and downs, it’s so clear your daughter doesn’t just love you with every bone in her body. Ruby, she’s your biggest fan; the hero she adores shamelessly. That’s tough feelings for a kid, especially when it’s mixed with family. It’s not exactly the same but didn’t you have days you wished mom was around as you improved? Imagine all the things you wanted her to say or do with you as both a parent and a mentor.

Ruby:I could write a book about it. *slouches* Daughters are rough. Don’t know how dad and uncle Qrow managed with us.

Yang:We were awesome and incredibly well behaved!

Ruby:….

Yang:Yeah I didn’t believe it either. Anyways I gotta go. Don’t stress out Rubes. Our kids are growing up. We unfortunately have to trust the process. No matter how much it hurts.

Ruby:Imagine Kovu comes back home with a girlfriend?

Blake, in the distance: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!?

Yang:Blake, you met everyone you love there. Including me!

Blake:Still against it.

Yang:What!?

Ruby:*hangs up*

Front Door opens

Ruby:How was the park you two? *turns around*

Carmine:…..

Ruby:…..

Carmine:*walks to stairs*

Ruby:Wait! Hold o- you’re here! In the house!

Carmine:Yes, those are all facts you just said.

Ruby:Did you…hear-

Carmine:Nope. Everything you said on the phone is a mystery. *walks up stairs* …..I’ll help make dinner tonight

Ruby:Heh, okay! Sounds like a plan!

…….

Carmine:*peeks from corner* It’s good to see you by the way. I…missed you. *leaves*

Ruby:(Yeah, definitely my kid.)

[yunaloona]

“Why can’t we love each other” Ch.2

Human!bully!Aonung x Reader (Highschool AU)

Warnings: None!

It seem like he’s getting more and more annoying by the day but… he can be.. endearing?

Part 1 Part 3 Part 4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been a few weeks since you and Aonung’s first encounter. What you thought would be a “one time thing” of your first incident has become a common part of your daily schedule. He used to just crack a couple funny insults in the hallway as you walked pass each other, but now he’ll find you at your locker or outside of classes just to walk with you and make some rude comments, most in a teasing manner.. but you do admit some of them do hurt your feelings. Now you don’t just take them, obviously you insult him back. Most of the time feeling as though you win your little bickering sessions.

~~~

During your time here at school though you have made quite the abundance of friends, even meeting some of Kiri’s siblings and growing quite fond of them. You met Lo’ak because he asked to cheat off of your homework during one of your classes, and Neteyam being in the grade above you, met through Aonung surprisingly. They’re both in the same grade and he offered you to join “The Sully Family Study Sessions” when talking about how some of the quiz questions didn’t make much sense. You also had some other acquaintances like Roxto, he’s usually always around Aonung but you two met through Kiri when he’s occasionally sit next to her at lunch.

~~~

-present day-

~~~

Sleepover.

Tsireya invited you and Kiri to a sleep over. She sounds very excited, but surprisingly she’s never hosted one and really wants the two of you to come.

“You all should come to my house on Friday for a slumber party, it will be so fun. I’ll make snacks and we can watch movies and paint our nails and do hair..” she was still going on talking about everything she wanted to do for activities, it sounded really fun but you had to ask your mom before anything.

“I’ll see if I can go, I’ll have to ask my mom first though!” You gave her the honest answer not wanting to get her hopes up but not shooting them down either. Kiri added on saying “Same I have to ask my parents, but as long as we host a sleepover not at my house I’m willing to go.. I have too many siblings that’ll butt in if I bring guest.”

~~~

-time skip-

~~~

When you got to Tsireya’s house (which thankfully you mom let you go) you were a little nervous, this wasn’t your first sleep over… but seeing Aonung outside of school made you excited. You didn’t know why but you’ve always felt like you had a little crush on him.. NOT that you had one.. he only made your heart flutter every time he’d walk with you to class, or you’d get giddy anytime he’d look at your eyes, but he’s a big bully you could never love. You shook those thoughts away knocking on the door.

Thankfully for you Tsireya opened the door and Kiri was already inside setting down a popcorn bucket.

“Welcome to my house Y/N!! I’m so excited you’re here, Kiri only got here like 10 minutes ago so you didn’t miss out on anything, please come in! I’ll show you my room where you can set your things” you smile saying your greeting to them and follow Tsireya upstairs while Kiri picks the movies you’ll be watching downstairs.

When you got up there you walked by a room wide open, it was kinda messy but not too bad, you assumed it was Aonung’s room since you walked passed it.

Entering Tsireya’s room, it was very tidy and neat compared to her brother’s, she had a candle on and had lights and some plants decorating it.

“Alrighty this is my room, you can set you stuff down here and I’ll be downstairs, come down when you’re ready!” She left the room heading downstairs when you placed your belongings down. You heard a flush coming from the upstairs bathroom and a sink running, you started to semi panic hoping it was just her mom or dad, but to your dismay you see Aonung pass by the room.

He catches a glimpse of you and makes a U-turn back to where he saw you.

You stand there a little awkwardly and wave saying hello.

“Oh you finally are here. When Tsireya said she had guests I assumed you were one of them. Of course she invites the weirdest friends she has here.” He states

“Whatever, just try not to bother us too much yeah?” He rolls his eyes

“Me? Please. Just keep it down and we won’t have problems yeah?” He said mocking you. Now it was your turn to roll you eyes.

You shoo him off and he lifts his hands up walking backwards into his room smirking, then closing the door. You sighed in annoyance shrugging your shoulders.

~~~

Later that night you couldn’t sleep, you didn’t really know why but you’ve always had some trouble in new environments when it had to do with going to bed.

So you got up making sure to stay quiet as you exited.

Waking through the hallway you felt a presence watching you. Though you ignored it walking down stairs, hoping you’d get tired out by walking around a bit, their house is pretty big. As you reach the kitchen you hear a “Ahem” and jump turning around seeing Aonung.

“Eywa! You scared the shit out of me” he laughed looking down at your figure.

“What are you doing up walking around? Couldn’t sleep?” He said obviously sarcastically but you nod you head

“As a matter of fact, yes, I could not sleep.”

He clicked his tongue sighing. He motioned you to follow him, and you did.

You both walked up to his room, he pulled up a chair from his counter sitting on it pointing at his bed so you can sit there, that obviously being the more comfortable option. You decided to speak up being a little confused but also being not so sure you want to be on his bed.

“I don’t know there might be some undiscovered diseases on there”

He looked at you unamused

“Just get on the bed weirdo”

You go up to the bed, it actually being quite clean, while you lay on it he grabs a remote putting on the tv for you two to watch.

“I put on *favorite tv show* because you never stop talking about it when I see you with my sister” He sounded annoyed, but you find it quite sweet that he paid that much attention.

“Aw you actually listen to me when I talk?” You say making fun of him

“It’s not like i can’t, you’re so loud that i can barely hear myself think when I’m in a 100 mile radius from you.” He retorts, you laugh and he smiles a little.

Throughout most of the night goes by like a blur, you guys talked and watched shows for a while until you ended up falling asleep on his bed.

When you woke up in the morning you weren’t in Aonung’s room but rather in Tsireya’s sleeping where you were originally at. You wondered if he’d carry you here, more over if that interaction was even real.

Soon when you were leaving because your mom was picking you up, you were saying goodbye to everyone when Aonung came downstairs walking up to you. Leaning in your ear he whispered

“I had fun last night” you looked at him in shock. Raising his head he said

“You’re a little lighter than I thought you’d be hm?” You pushed him playfully

“Bye Aonung.” You waved him off leaving the house

Smiling to yourself all of the way home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[preciadosbass]

7/8/24

woke up at 9/9:30 and stayed outside with boris up until 10:30 when i got dressed and straightened my hair. today i wore my skinless shirt, camo jorts, a necklace i thrifted that matches all the colours on my shirt, a chain, dirty converse, and mostly uncoloured band bracelets [todays were pierce the veil, my chemical romance and sleeping with sirens. i was going to wear my avenged sevenfold one but it has red on it.] and some other stuff like that [studs & spiked cuffs] once i was ready [11] a took a couple of pictures in the mirror as i don’t have anything close to a full body pic of this particular outfit [photos at end].

we [me, my mum and my sister - my dad had left earlier on in the morning around the time i woke up to see his dad] left at 11:15 to go to this farm thing. i took yarn into the car with me so i could make another bracelet using the seat release clip thing at the back of the passenger seat. i didn’t want to make it a copy and paste of the one i made yesterday, so i used black + gray and it made a different pattern from the previous one as there was more of one colour.

i listened to fall out boy in the car and we got to the farm at around 11:50. none of us knew what we were doing because it was our first time so we got assigned a staff member that was a year younger than me, but she looked like 17. it was so embarrassing because she quite clearly thought i was younger than i actually am due to my height and i was being guided and spoken to like a child by someone the same age as me lmaoo — we went round to the stables and she tacked up a horse called loki. he’d already been ridden on and off so he wasn’t really feeling it. my sister went round the riding arena first and i went on afterwards at 12:15.

i haven’t ridden a horse in a while so it was cool but i felt bad for him because he was practically falling asleep while being tacked up and it was clear by the speed of which he was going that he just wanted to relax. anyway, after id done a circuit of the arena that staff girl [i don’t wanna say her name] showed us the other horses and animals. she showed me to one of her favourites, and i can get why that is. they were so soft and gentle. i got distracted and carried on stroking them and everyone else had already walked off so i caught up and saw the alpacas, rats, bunnies and guinea pigs. i love rats. one of them had really round ears and it looked stupid in a cute way.

after that everyone else was having lunch/had finished lunch so we went back to where all the other people were and i had something small to eat because my stomach really hurt and i kept on almost throwing up. i sort of just sat around and observed the people around me, begging for someone to introduce themselves. i did at one point ask someone where they got their septum pierced as i’m getting mine done but i’m yet to find a trusted piercer. they gave me a name of a shop but i’ve already looked at review/results from there and it does not look good. at all. but at this point i am really desperate and i’ve been wearing fake ones for 3+ years now.

they had a dog that just roams around the farm so i went off and sat down next to her while i stroked her back. a girl came and sat down infront of me. coincidentally i was hoping she’d speak to me. she told me she likes my outfit and i complimented her back about her shirt and asked who the people were on the pins on her lanyard. they were people from genshin, and after she spoke about that for a while she wanted to put backround music on her headphone and mentioned loving mcr. obviously this was my chance so i told her i loved them too and about seeing the tribute in a few days. she seemed to think that was pretty cool. then my sister came and sat down with us and found out she likes genshin so i sat there in silence while they spoke for an hour+ about that stuff.

i know it seems petty but i was and still am kinda [very] sad about that because whenever i become friendly with someone they become more friendly with my sister over games. and it’s not even like i don’t like games, i have a few i love. i don’t know, it’s just like because i’m so obsessed with making friends because i genuinely have none which is obvious in my journals and if i meet people they either turn out to be bad people/ignore me for my sister. she was really nice aswell but now i don’t think being friends is going to work out at all because my sisters making me ask her for her genshin user so they’re gunna spend all day everyday playing with eachother and i’ll most likely never see her again. i wish i was overreacting. i really want a friend so bad.

after that hour[+] the main leader person got us into groups and we sung to this girl because it was her birthday. afterwards i got ready to leave and really skittishly asked for the girls whatsapp incase i don’t come again. but when i got in the car my sister was going on about speaking to her and gaming with her and stuff so i couldn’t feel any kind of excitement whatsoever. i seem like i’m making myself sound so hard done by, im not; but i am when it comes to socialising. my sister goes to school and sees people everyday, she has lots of friends. but i don’t have that, so i have to to whatever i can to make friends. but it’s already over. i swear i do try and think positive, i was, up until this quickly resulted how it always does.

we left the premises at 1:45 and drove to my grandads house [got there at 2:10]. he gave me my band photos that he gets printed every month for me and i told him about my day. my dad then arrived there and i had a nap because my grandad always has duvets on the sofa and i was so tired just couldn’t resist. i woke up at one point and a few pigeons game into the room because seed was scattered on the doormat. i don’t know how long i was asleep for but i woke up at like 3:40 and got ready to leave. we left at 4 and i switched to be in dads cars because the windows are blacked out.

i listened to more fall out boy on the way home and when we arrived i fed boris, went outside to cuddle him, and then finally cleaned the shells i got from the beach. i’m planning on getting my dad to drill small holes into them so i can thread them through string, onto a wooden cross and make it into a ‘windcharm.’ once id done i stayed out with boris up until 6-6:10 and eventually went back inside to journal. i finished within half and hour and coloured that picture of pickachu from yesterday.

i finished at 7:25 and then put my bracelets back on and snuck out of the back door in the garden [incase boris followed me and my mum off the driveway] to walk to this girls house [i haven’t seen her since i was in school so 2-3 years ago. i know her originally from primary school so my mum wanted to catch up with her mum and i wanted to see how things would be between me and her because we’ve never texted or met up since i’ve been around 7. we just knew eachother really, we were never really close friends or anything.] we got to her house and she wasn’t in, then me and my mum went to see if this other girl was in [i haven’t spoken or seen her since year 6 and we also weren’t necessarily friends then either] but she was out with her friends.

idk but this triggered me somehow and made me upset because i was like, they’re both with their friends and i’m here tagging along with my mum to see people i haven’t known for 7+ years because i have no friends. again this kinda rubbed it in my face that i have no one so i accidentally snapped at my mum and then i cried for over an hour on the way home/at home because i felt guilty and i just want someone to text and hang out with. when i got home it was almost pitch black outside but i sat kneeled down on the floor crying while speaking to boris.

we walked for over an hour. i’m still disappointed and i know it’s not either for their fault for being out enjoying themselves while i randomly turn up at their house [both of their mums have always said i’m welcome anytime but i don’t have anything in common with either of them so i haven’t really up until tonight] i just couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that i’m a teenager and what i’m meant to do is have friends and communicate with them. but i don’t have anyone in general let alone someone to speak about teen things/do teen things with and i genuinely feel so alone. i like i’m an alien living as a side part in some video game nobody cares about and im just an extra nobody bothers paying any attention to.

i didn’t intend for this to be a vent, but it’s hard to carry on with your life when the entire base of everyone’s existence at every age is having people to speak to/support them/hang out with and i’m just existing. i love boris so much and he’ll always be my bestfriend, even if i do make a friend someday - but i really NEED someone human to speak to and spend time with. but nobody can overpower or replace the way boris’s company positively affects me. i’m just sick and tired of wasting away and having my teenage years stolen from me just because i don’t have any human friends and everyone else around me does and goes on about it constantly.

when i went back inside from being with boris, i watched a couple youtube videos while i tried to calm myself/relax my muscles and things. i watched: about 15 minutes worth of ‘danger days gerard ~ best moments’, backstage chats with kellin quinn, bands on bands - pierce the veil and sleeping with sirens, pierce the veil jenga interview, and pierce the veil bus invaders. i had a 7 minute nap and went up to my parents around 12. i spoke about the concert me and my dad are going to and my dad somehow agreed to me dressing him up as me for the concert?? LIKE I GET TO DRESS HIM SCENEMO THE CONCERT PICS ARE GUNNA BE EPIC HES ACTUALLY GUNNA BE A 61YO EMO SENSATION.

i came down from my parents room at 1:45 or something, it took long[er] because i asked my dad about his day and how my other grandad was as i obviously didn’t get to see him. once i was back downstairs i got into my onesie, did my teeth and said goodnight to boris. he was running around like crazy and drank the water i poured for myself so i put out some water + wet food for him and finished saying goodnight at 2:30. went to sleep at 2:50.

have a good day/night O_o

[vitaminwaterreviews]

Suho - 1 to 3

I initially decided to check out this album because someone on Reddit described it as “scratching my Beatles itch,” and I gotta say, I am not disappointed. I didn’t totally get Beatles out of it, but it’s way more of that British rock vibe than like, 99% of anything else in kpop. It did still sound quite modern though, a lot of synths in places where the Beatles wouldn’t use them, the vocals were so clean in a way that the Beatles just never did. But then, nobody’s saying that this is Beatles-y except for that one commenter, so analyzing it as imitation Beatles is probably not a good-faith analysis.

I really enjoyed the album sonically. Like, every song was pleasant to listen to; nothing demanded too much of me, and nothing was too boring either. Admittedly, a lot of the songs were kind of boring structurally - but then, the same can be said of Beatles music too. I appreciated how the Wendy feature was more of an actual duet, rather than just giving her a few lines. And I also appreciate the actual guitar solos; kpop tends to shy away from instrumental solos, since the focus generally is on the singer.

Average score of 8.4 which feels maybe a bit low, but I’ll stick with it. Really good listen, definitely give this a shot.

- Mayday

Lol okay what is this movie trailer intro

Mkay and now we’re kind of garage rock

And now his vocals are just Pretty

I’m not typing much bc I’m vibing so hard

This is like, totally the stuff my dad would like, and I happen to really like his taste in music

9/10

1 to 3

The guitars in my left and right ears are slightly different and that’s a neat effect

Not much guitar at all in the verse, heavy bass though

Yeah, same thing in the chorus with the different guitar lines in different ears

And in the post-chorus, one half of the harmony in one ear and the other half in the other

8/10, could’ve done with a little more variety but really enjoyable nonetheless

Cheese

My feelings about Wendy are well-documented

And that harmony in the intro was really cute

Notice all the piano when Wendy comes in

I hope she sticks around for the rest of the song, but knowing SM, that’s unlikely

There was Goodbye Summer I guess

Oh okay, she’s got some ad-libs in the post-chorus, that’s nice

Heyyy a proper guitar solo, we don’t get those very often in kpop

Okay yeah, her voice is present throughout the song, that’s really great

9/10

Wishful Thinking

Haha the “DUN DUN DUN DUN” that’s great, love that

And now it ushers in the prechorus, probably

Or is this ahhhh part the pre-chorus? Or was that the chorus?

This song has a lot of building left to do

But it’s already halfway over and I’m not sure it’ll build to where I want within the next minute

Okay, this bridge/outro/whatever is really nice, not quite as much as I was hoping for though

8/10, love the sound, underdeveloped though

Moonlight

This is another song which is more about the sound than the song

Like that adorable guitar riff in the intro is basically the whole song

Oh I just adore vocals alongside instrumentals though, really pretty

8/10

Alright Alright

I didn’t expect his voice to go so high here in the chorus

This feels kinda generic though, with the ‘ooh’s and stuff

Oh wait, who is Giriboy

I don’t know Suho’s voice nearly well enough to tell who’s singing

Oh nvm this is a rap section, so this must be Giriboy

Good song, a lot of it did feel kind of generic and forced to me though

8/10

Zero Gravity

Again with the movie trailer intro

And now it’s all cute and pretty with a soft acoustic guitar?

He has such a pretty voice in the chorus here

That same distortion again in the post-chorus, I really want this song to Go somewhere

I mean, it is and has been going somewhere, so hopefully it builds even more

Mkay yeah, this is more of what I wanted

9/10 but I could see this becoming an all-time favorite one day

[amidst-wonderland]

final fantasy: rebirth {a mess of emotions, not in chronological order}

this is more story-based, so heads-up spoilers below.

“question. does that make me a dumbass?”

not aerith asking about reno

chadley nearly outing cissnei and cloud getting real confrontational about it.

cloud is so much more conversational in this, i felt in remake he was bordering on joker level’s of player-character. he’s a lot more laidback, which is understandable since he didn’t really know anyone but tifa and midgar’s only like what a week long?

the game now feels like an ensemble piece rather an a cloud simulator.

cloud not realising he’s the one loner friend

americans aren’t the best swearers - put to much emphasis on the swear itself but cloud does it so well.

he’s a prickly, backchatting bitch in this game and i love every single second of it. he’s not mopey, stubborn and grumpy. he’s ‘i’m going to actively make myself your problem if you cross me, so don’t.’

barret immitating yuffie?! or, “oh, wow. tell us more.” it’s giving abridged.

yuffie’s little naruto run!

yuffie and cloud’s growing sibling dynamic is the cutest shit. like, he should be be pissed at her but immediately protected her from the captain.

all i hear is priscilla’s dad’s irish accent from abridged when ever someone says her name or, “mr dolphin, ye daft bastard.”

rufus shinra… the man that you are.

every rude and elena scene, just, yes. her with the ice-lolly, the corneo fight, rude’s pub club?! babysitting palmer. (also, they call it the clean-shaven club when rude literally has a beard).

i genuinely thought we were gonna at least get that iconic reno and rude scene outside of gongaga (and as a long-shot a reunion with cissnei - i stand by the fact tseng absolutely knows where she is.)

that final turks training facility was a bitch to find.

don’t get me wrong, yuffie, barret, tifa and red’s trials were sad but aerith’s absolutely wrecked me. like i’ve got a stuffy nose already and i literally couldn’t breathe with the tears.

same with dyne and barret, like what you mean you want me to fight palmer?! i’m sitting here ugly crying about two men who love their daughter and have been through hell and back.

i’d love to see cissnei and leslie get involved with the wutai turk team-up

as much as i love aerti’s ‘improved over og’ friendship. it’s not passing the bechdel test anytime soon.

fuck queen’s blood.

cloud saying “down boy” sir- THE WHIMPERING!

the kids locking yuffie in with the hooded men on the cruise.

nanaki walking in the cabin on two legs fucking kills me. i also caught barret admiring himself in the mirror.

the fact the name tag is, “???” when we can hear yuffie cheering on cloti.

did they kiss?!

so, we finally see loveless and it was everything i ever wanted. genesis, i’m sorry, you were right.

“death doesn’t suit a turk”

cloud jr is too cute and i love my chocobro protagonists

speaking of, i’m in two heads about ffxv. you can see a lot of the inspiration the team got from that game but i think they left out the one thing that made ffxv perfect, which was the constant chatter during traversal

cloud turning on tifa during the gongaga reactor mission is giving the ffxv: omen trailer

i need a tonberry robot for my desk

jessie’s poster! i really thought she’d be alive with biggs

cloud calling gus a prick is when it clicked for me, like cloud’s got bite

i need esther’s red boots

cid is played by j. michael tatum?! sebastian- france- kyouya-

elena stuck in the heat yelling at rude, omg this is the turk moments i love.

as someone who is scottish, i can’t believe i witnessed cait sith tell cissnei to “wheesht”.

not the biggest fan of cissnei’s new colour scheme. would’ve gone with browns, accented gold buckles and mustard yellow personally

wished they’d’ve put in an turk easter egg in her house.

cosmo canyon’s lantern scene is so pretty.

gold-fucking-saucer. woah

sitting at the water tower with aerith felt wrong, and i know that was intentional.

omfg vincent, why he kinda dressed like gyuvin in en garde?

jesus, roche.

still not keen on seph’s voice - mainly because i don’t like tyler and also zack is better but i’m still not keen

symbiote!peter to “OMG GUYSSS HAIIII” is like fucking whiplash. two minutes ago we were crying over harry, now hotels?!

i knew that’s what marlene saw! and now zack knows! i am not okay!

was low-key waiting on elena throwing the keystone to reno to catch for a grand intro but he kinda just appears, and i loved every second of it.

the way both tifa and aerith have had to stop cloud murdering a turk.

cloud with blood by his own hand on his face is such a chilling image. it’s like seeing someone like superman with it.

avalanche versus reno and rude’s fight was giving advent children, like specifically reno and rude’s fight with loz and kazoo. (which i rewatched recently. rude’s face when reno steps on his glasses is the funniest thing in that film, also i can’t unhear fred from scooby-doo when loz speaks even though i know it’s not frank welker - it’s the dude that plays corneo).

[artificialgrinder]

THE DARK SEEPING IN (BRATZ FASHION PIXIEZ REIMAGINING) CH. 7

Breeana and the girls prepare for the upcoming Magnolia Ball, surprised to find Cymbeline has flaked out.

AN: Okay, so this one is kinda shorter so I apologise! The next one will be longer however, I promise. Also, I just want to say, I noticed the increase in traffic on this story and I really appreciate everyone's kind comments! Thank you so so much, you're all so sweet.

Breeana really wanted to stop in the hall and just ask Dylan outright. She  really  wanted to. But with all those people around…And the fact she had already missed so many chances…

And the fact she had other matters to tend to, there was no point.

Her stomach was still in knots since fleeing the cafeteria like that, especially knowing many people probably saw the dramatics. From their perspective, she imagined it was like something out of a teen movie or a soap opera. 

Fortunately, Felicia was kind enough to walk with her all the way from the school, all the way to the town centre. The other girl lived in that area anyway, which was a win-win for both parties.

"You meeting your sister here?" Felicia had asked to which Breeana said yes. 

But that was a lie. She knew Cymbeline wasn't going to show up. 

Now pinning fake flowers to a vine-covered lamp post, she thought of all the things her sister could have been doing at that present moment. 

Funny how weeks prior, Cymbeline could have torn the house down with her ranting of how the organisation for the Magnolia Ball was. She needed all the help she could get to bring it all together. And now that preparations were well underway, what with everyone gathered in the town centre setting up the scenery, Breeana still wasn't surprised Cymbeline flaked out.

"What's up, bitch?"

The voice caught her off guard, turning to see Yasmin approaching with a folded banner in her hand. "Sorry about earlier. You know, the cafeteria. I mean, I don't know why you got up and left like that, but sorry anyway."

Breeana blinked, unsure of what to say. "Oh, um. Sorry about that. I just…had bad cramps."

"Ugh, I feel that." Yasmin stroked Breeana's shoulder. "Fuck having a uterus."

Breeana managed a breath of a laugh. "Yeah, for real."

Then Cloe came next. "Hey, guys!" She hurried over, holding a small object in her hand, "Look! It's a petal. It fell from the tree. Like, wow!"

"Never change, angel." Yasmin rolled her eyes yet smiled.

"Hey, ladies!" Yet another voice came. Sasha and Jade were now joining the equation. Breeana's stomach churned. Of all of Cymbeline's friends, she always found both Jade and Sasha to be the more upfront ones. And she knew what was to come.

"So we got the music line-up from the DJ. It's gonna pop." Sasha waved the piece of paper in front of Yasmin's face.

The Latina took the list, her eyes scanning it. "Nice mix. Current tracks with some '80s and '90s. Just getting the nostalgia in there."

Cloe peeked over Yasmin's shoulder, also analysing the words on the paper. "Oh my God, yes. They got Spice Girls on there! Can we all recreate that act we used to do in kindergarten?"

"You still remember that?" Jade blew out a cloud of smoke, having pulled out her vape.

"Um, yeah? It was only like, uh, one of our most iconic moments ever," Cloe said as if it should have been a given. "Cymbeline and I know it off by heart still."

And there it was, the invitation to the topic. If only Breeana had just run away.

"Where is Cymbeline anyway?" Sasha's eyes scanned the square.

"Oh, shit. I didn't even realise." Cole shrugged.

Breeana turned back to the lamp post, starting to decorate in the hopes the older girls would just take this discussion elsewhere.

"I don't know why you're all acting brand new and surprised." Yasmin unfolded her banner just to fold it back up. "Kinda knew she wasn't coming, what with her being so busy around her girlfriend these days."

"Bitch, are you crazy? Her Dad funds this shit. She organises everything. It's, like, her life's mission to make this shit a success!" Jade ranted.

"Unless something came up?" Sasha shrugged, then peered past Yasmin to the youngest Devlin. "You know where she at, Bree'?"

"Fuck, I," Breeana faked a sigh, "I'm not sure. I mean…I think she's on her period or something. She had to go home real quick."

"Oh, shit. You're both synced. You guys must be witches," Cloe suggested with a giggle.

"Haha. Yeah."

"No - No - No. Seriously," Sasha waved her hand around, not in favour of the distraction, "Cymbeline would never let a period stop her from doing shit. She would - - Fuck, we have a party tonight. You gonna tell me next that she ain't going to that?"

And Breeana panicked, "I-I don't know. She hasn't really - -"

"Tone it down, Bunny Boo," Cloe put a calming hand on Sasha's shoulder. "It's not that big of a deal."

The flared-up girl turned back to Cloe with a raised brow. There was something in her eyes as if telepathically communicated to Cloe. But all that left her mouth was, "Alright. Cool."

That should have relaxed the younger Devlin sister. But she wasn't dumb enough to miss the insincerity in Sasha's voice.

"Let's just finish decorating. We still gotta get ready for tonight," Yasmin then looked at Breeana, " You  coming later?"

"I actually wasn't invited to whatever it is," Breeana said, sounding more sorry for herself than she meant to.

"Viper's party," Sasha said like it was common knowledge.

"Viper?"

"You know, Cade." She elaborated.

"His birthday party at  Basement.  Koby's band's playing," Jade added.

"And Cymbeline would never miss a Blaze gig," Sasha just had to go on, much to Breeana's dismay.

" Sasha ," Cloe said more sternly.

"Yeah, come on, bitch. Let's just…get this shit done and go get ready." Yasmin steered Sasha away, nodding apologetically to the younger girl.

There were a few murmurs amongst Cymbeline's friends, but Breeana paid no heed. She had a job to do. A job her sister was once so passionate about.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"You sure you don't wanna come, Bree'?"

"I just wasn't invited in the first place, you know?" Breeana explained on the phone, rubbing moisturiser all over her face and neck. When Dylan's name appeared on her phone, her stomach flipped, practically jumping into her throat. But how could she ignore this opportunity?

"Girl, everybody is invited. Coulda just showed up, you feel?"  Dylan continued. There was the sound of him drinking from a bottle and the music thumping in the background. Very Oliver Tree-type beats.

"Yeah, but still. I don't know. Social anxiety and all," Breeana blushed, scooping the phone up to her ear, turning speaker mode off. Venturing out of her bathroom, she flopped down on the bed. "I know it's not a huge issue, but…my brain just doesn't work that way, you know?"

"Yeah, I feel. Cloe used to be like that. But having those other girls around her, it kinda just brought out the side she always wanted everybody to see, you know?" 

"Yeah…"  Easier said than done, though,  Breeana refrained from saying. "Are they there?" She asked for no reason in particular.

"Nah, ain't seen them around. They better show up soon. Cameron is hounding me so much, already asking where Blondie is. What about your sister and her gothy lady friend. Are they on route?" 

Breeana sighed, hoping it wasn't heard. “Cymbeline’s just…exhausted and, you know - -”

"Don't worry, I know what you're saying. Well, shit. Next time there's a party, you can be my plus one, right?" 

Breeana flushed, allowing a smile to appear on her face. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, girl. It would be the highlight of my year, honestly.

"You drunk, Dyl'?"

"Not at all."

Breeana giggled. "Okay. Yeah, sure. I'll be your plus one."

"Sick." 

Breeana could just hear the smile in his voice. Fuck, everything about this boy just had her melting.

"I saw you in the hall earlier, by the way. I was gonna talk to you, but that bitch ass Zach got in my way."  Dylan sipped from whatever he was drinking.

And Breeana knew what was coming. But now, she was less on edge.

Well, that was until she heard the clacking of heels.

 "I was supposed to ask earlier."

Cymbeline zoomed passed Breeana's bedroom door, clearly in a hurry.

"What did you want to say in the cafeteria?"

It was now or never. "Hang on, Dylan. I gotta go. I'll call you back."

Before she could give in to his protests, she hung up.

Breeana breathed in deeply. She got up off her bed and followed her sister.

[neurosky]

Hi there- I’m pretty new to Tumblr so I still don’t 100% understand how it works. Also, my head is pretty fuzzy so the writing here might be really stiff and confusing.

I also have PANS/PANDAS. There aren’t many online that talk about it. I was incredibly happy to see your blog and diagnosis (which was pretty recent I think). Congratulations!

My symptoms started many years ago, when I was around 9. My behavior changed, my handwriting got really bad, etcetera. It got much worse when I entered 4th grade though. I remember freaking out over not being prepared for something, and was taken out for the first week. (I only found out about the first week bit again since I barely remembered that). Around this time, my mother was trying to find any kind of help. We eventually found one doctor, but since we lived in the USA we couldn’t afford the care. He actually mentioned PANDAS but we weren’t able to go through with any diagnosis.

I left the school I was at in the middle of 4th grade. Changed again when going into 5th. I barely remember anything from that point in my life. It just kinda sucked a lot. I couldn’t understand what any of the teachers were saying. Couldn’t do my homework. Couldn’t interact with others. We thought it would be better to go back to my first school, so in the middle of that year I switched again.

It was much more settled then. I had my old friends and knew the people there better. I also was in a better place family-wise (was living with my grandparents away from my dad during the other schools era). I still had trouble with things of course. I had to stay in during recess everyday because I was never able to finish my work. I still had trouble interacting with others, but I had old friends this time.

!!!/Warning for choking related thing. Don’t want that to trigger something

Over time I’d develop very specific fears that prevented me from doing things. I had an incident involving choking, and after that eating was incredibly difficult. I’m sure you could also relate to other people thinking you’re overreacting or faking it. My friends’ parents would ask, “why can you eat X but not Y?” My fears would get better over time, but switch out for new ones. They haven’t fully gone away either. I still have trouble swallowing, I have to sleep with my eyes covered in fear of sleep paralysis etc.

//

I started to develop an increasingly intense urge to daydream and pace. I’ve always had it, but it got to a point where it would take up most of my day. Spend hours walking in circles rethinking the same scenario in my head over and over.

8th grade came around and I went to another school again. The one I went to in 5th grade (confusing I know). This time around it was actually a lot nicer. I still didn’t interact with others -only one person a bit- but I was able to do my work well. There would be the one project once in a while that would make me breakdown of course. Especially if it had to do with presenting something. End of that school year though, I moved to Europe.

Moving to a new country was very difficult. I managed the first school year and finished my finals (I wasn’t fluent in the language I genuinely do not know how I passed) but by year 2 I couldn’t handle it. Second week I had to be taken out and we found a special therapist. I wasn’t able to reintegrate well but I could go for an hour a day sometimes.

It took a long time but my therapist was able to get me to a doctor that specializes in autism and other conditions. I went a couple times and after interviews and tests they brought up the idea of me having PANS/PANDAS. One doctor had a colleague that specialized in PANS/PANDAS, and was going to help us see him.

A couple days ago, I just finished my third IVIG treatment. Today, we just got news about all the care and benefits I’ll be able to get. It took very long, but I’m on my way to healing. I’m already feeling better in many areas. I’m nervous, but I’m more hopeful for the future!

I’m so sorry that was so long. And I’m sorry I’m posting this anonymously, I’m just a bit nervous about giving away too much information.

Just know that you aren’t alone! I related so closely to all the stuff you talked about. I read about you eating that salad and it reminded me what I did! Just a small positive thing like that make me so happy. I wish you the best! And it CAN get better!!!

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I'm sorry you had to go through this too, but I'm so, SO glad that you're on the road to recovery now. I totally relate to a lot of what you said too. It's so important to have a community and people who you can relate to.

I'm glad my posts can make you happy!! And you're right, it CAN get better <3

[roosterbruiser]

Shit talking exes? Bet.

My only relationship to date was from the ages of 14-17, he was 2 years older than me and basically my only friend because of a bunch of drama with my friends because they couldn’t handle my mood swings/drama that happened with my dads family. (Whole other can of worms). So he was my best friend and my boyfriend, although all his friends let me tag along/were my friends too. Things were good, I think sometimes we both knew we were better as friends but he was also sort of lonely as well and so we just texted all the time or talked on the phone all the time/always were hanging out together and even taking elective classes together to see each other more. Some of his girl friends were sort of flirty to him imo and he’d hang out with them by themselves sometimes and tell me there’s nothing for me to worry about. The girls also always told me I didn’t need to worry. Well he goes off to the navy my right before my senior year. Go to Illinois with his parents and male bestfriend to see him graduate (AFTER seeing a screenshot of a note from his bestfriend - who in all fairness didn’t realize girl’s detective skills and how desperate I was to hear from him when he was basically sending letters to everyone but me/I could tell he wasn’t feeling it (which we had had our moments of basically blah like most long term couples do) - that basically told his buddy how he wished id stop sending him letters in boot because I was annoying and clingy etc.) so my dumb self should have not gone but I was happy for him and did. While we were there a girl he knew from boot couldn’t have family come so she hung out with us that day.. come to find out he was basically cheating on me in boot camp with her and even risking a lowkey dd if they had gotten in trouble (according to another friend of mine) and told me after he was in A school. My dumbass still spent 6 months of us still sort of “trying” to work it out and just kinda being friends and hurt by each other/over it but refusing to officially end it because it was our first relationship and how does one end something with someone who it’s been 3 years with? By the time we actually split it was 3 1/2 years to the day that we decided on New Years Eve while he was back in town that we would be over. Still spent the two weeks he was home before that together though.. fast forward 2 months and one of his old girlfriends is messaging me saying he’s flirting with her and asking me what’s up and so I told her we split and that it was fine if she decided to see what happened with him. 4 months later they were engaged and a few months later she was pregnant. He came back for my highschool graduation (so right around when they got engaged) and it was nice to sort of have my friend back without all the hurt since it had been a few months. Man lowkey tried to say he wished we had had sex - we did other things but never actually intercourse because he was big on no sex till marriage (WHICH LOOK HOW THAT TURNED OUT BUDDY) *just making it known that here I am at 27 still a virgin* - and I obviously was like uhhh no. LOL. Once he left after my graduation we never really talked again and just drifted apart. All in all I learned a lot, and tbh it’s not like I hate him bc he still was my bestfriend throughout highschool even though we both sometimes were horrible to each other. I am a little salty looking back though bc I might have been one of those horrible teenage girlfriends that we are a lot of at 16 bc you don’t know better but he really did do some fucked up things there that I didn’t deserve and that really fucked with my already low self esteem/body image issues. Bc of course then I was wondering if it was bc I was plus sized etc.

I know that was a lot but figured I’d jump on the shitty ex train.

I am so glad you did jump on the crazy ex train!! holy moly!! this read as a very epic saga!!

after reading your story, I just want to say that I am SO HAPPY you understand your self-worth!! you truly deserve all the good things in the world and if you're with someone who doesn't believe that, kick them to the curb!!

I will say, ending long-term relationships is literally so fucking hard, even if they're circling the drain. especially if it's a first!! I admire your strength and growth so much!!

and pls know you have so many fans here now!! that is such a slay moment for you!! I love the self-love and realizing you're worth MORE!!

[australiablog]

6/7

Today was a very, very early morning. I’m going on a hot air balloon ride during sunrise! So pick up time was 5:46, so my alarm was at 5am. I needed to check out of this hotel so I had already packed my suitcase and only had to pack my pajamas and toiletries. The drive to where the balloon was taking off was only 25 min, so we were not that far out of town. The balloon was already on its side and just about to rise, so we only had to wait a bit before we could climb into the basket. Since I’m solo I was first and then the big group behind me split up into 4 groups. The basket could hold 20 people, but we weren’t with that many so it was only 4 to a compartment. It was divided into 5 parts, the middle part for the pilot and then 2 parts on either side of that. It was only 5 degrees when I got up, so I am nearly wearing all the clothes I brought. I was very glad I did because Lordy it was cold. When everyone was in the basket they went around and took pictures for us. When we got up, it was honestly amazing. I’ve done it once when I was a kid with mum and dad but I honestly don’t remember that much. This was so magical. I had my phone in a death grip the entire time, I had a phone cord with me but it wasn’t allowed, I even had to take off my scarf. Very weird but I’m not making the rules, just following them. It was a bit cold in the beginning, we started when the sun was just coming up and you could see a faint glow over the horizon. It was truly beautiful. This was such a once in a lifetime experience. It wasn’t cheap but I’m really embracing the yolo this vacation, probably a bit too much. But in the end it’s only money and memories are forever. The balloon ride was about an hour and I was really sad when we went down, I could have happily stayed in the air for a few hours more. When the sun came up, it was a lot warmer, which I wasn’t expecting. We didn’t really go above 450m/1500ft which was a shame I would have loved to be that high. I took a gazillion photos, probably 20 of the same thing but my opinion is better too much as not enough. When we came down the pilot made the basket wobble on purpose and nearly tipped us over. It was hilarious! They came around asking if we wanted another photo so once again I handed over my phone for one. We had to go out one by one and then hold on to the basket so we didn’t go up again. When the balloon was on its side on the ground again we could go inside of the balloon. It was so cool, the balloon kinda feels like the nylon we use in our shop, I mean of course I touched it, how could I not. Took a couple of videos inside as well, I mean I sure as hell don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance again. When the balloon was about ⅔ deflated all of us had to help get the air out. So basically we had to go from the bottom of the balloon and start folding it in, while one of the crew tidied it after us. This was quite the workout! After we made a gigantic balloon snake we had to form a conga line and take it under our arm and carry it to the trailer and start loading it in there. I really didn’t think it was gonna fit, but when the crew started jumping on it to my big surprise, there was even space left. After all that hard work there were muffins, cheese+crackers, cookies and fruit on a table. On the first ever balloon flight they had brought champagne with them, so now it’s tradition to drink it when you come down. Got to say champagne at 8:30 in the morning was a new one, even for me. On the bus ride back to the hotel one of the women next to me was saying that a visit to the desert park would be a fun idea for me to do since today nothing is open *again*! So after I got my luggage and dropped it off at the other hotel that’s exactly what I did. It was 7 km outside of Alice Springs so not too far a drive in the taxi. The park was basically a self sustaining ecological zoo, which I had never heard about. On special times during the day there were animal talks. I was just in time to hear the emu talk, and watch the bird show afterwards.

[ellowynthenotking]

Feb 6

Dear Dad

I forgot to say it yesterday, but we’re somewhere safer. At least a bit more than the last place was when we left.

Defintely no dragons, so that’s a win. 

Being out in the snow for like a week wasn’t great. Neither was letting out the dragon, but I think that’s just something I’m going to have to live with. 

On the upside, at least, the weather seems to be warming up, or I’m getting used to freezing. Maybe I’m turning into an ice monster for my hand in the genocide last week. 

I think it would be a more or less fair result of my hand in everything. 

But I probably shouldn’t beat myself up so much about it. Granted, this is a thing that’s a lot worse than the things teenagers usually beat themselves up over. Most of the time, it’s like a failed test or staying out too late and getting grounded. 

People are dead because I chose to act instead of sitting back. 

I think everyone’s tried to talk to me about it now. We’re somewhere safe. we’re trying to adapt again. I guess it’s time to talk about all this. 

Which, again, there’s not much that I can do about what’s already done, but the others are right that I’m way beating myself up over it. 

So I’ve tried not to. And I’m going to try not to be here talking to you. 

So we’re in this weird magical world. Where there are portals and magic. And genecidal dragons. 

And Grace’s birthday. Well, it was a couple of days ago when we were all trying very hard not to look at each other, talk to each other, or think about how we helped a city get leveled. But anyway, that’s not what I’m talking about today.

Grace turned 15 a couple days ago, and she hid it from the rest of us. I don’t know why. Maybe she just doesn’t like to celebrate, or she doesn’t want to celebrate here. It could be any reason. But it’s Grace’s birthday week, and we needed something good to think about, to talk about. Something.

We’ve been in this new place for a couple days. I don’t know for how much longer, though. We haven’t really talked about that.

But I found a cake because birthdays need cakes. I don’t think it was a cake that Grace liked very much, and it was kinda expensive for what it was. Really, it was just like a sweet bread with some sweet syrup or something on it, but it was kind of tasty. Enough to call it a cake, I think.

We celebrated together and talked about how cool Grace is, how much we love her, and what family birthday traditions are back home. Talked about all kinds of things, most of them happy, and everyone was happier than they’d been in days. I think.

I wish she’d told us. it’s not like it would have changed anything, anything at all, but maybe we could have been distracted sooner. Or maybe it was unfair of us to use Grace’s birthday to push back on the things, on the feelings that we’ve been feeling. To push back the things that I’ve been feeling. 

But we still did our best to make it a good birthday.

No presents but we joked a lot, the stories everyone told were hilarious. I didn’t know Reese made all the cakes for his family events. He said he’s got an art to making something called wacky cake that’s really good and the only thing people can apparently agree on eating for birthdays. I guess there’s a lot of allergies in his family. 

Now, I don’t know if I believe it, but Riley said her friend group usually takes turns kidnapping the birthday person and going out on a boat to someone’s cabin and then having a party mostly away from family and responsible adults who would stop them. I don't think you'd approve of some of the things she said they do, but there’s not much that I or you can do about it. But I think I, at least, will avoid having a Riley-style party. But if we’re still here when her birthday comes around, maybe we’ll do something like that for her.

Or at least, maybe we’ll be able to plan something. I don’t think any of us asked when anyone else’s birthdays are. Or were. No, I think now it is right. We still have them even if we’re stuck here.  

It was a good night, even with everything looming over us. 

We’re going to keep trying, keep planning, keep hoping. And, even though it’s hard, keep believing. 

I don’t know where the road we’re on is going to lead us, I don’t know how long it’s going to take, but I can keep trying to get home. 

Hope we’ll be home for our next birthday(s) at least. I’d really rather not spend another year here. 

Love Jack

Read the rest of the series here: 

Or read more by this author here: 

[percabeths-blue-cookies]

In My Heart Is a Christmas Tree Farm

Here’s the ao3 link

Summary:

Annabeth, Conner, and Travis plan on going home for the holidays, but Annabeth dreads having to face her parents and their opinions on her relationships, work, and just life in general. She intends on getting someone to go with her for the trip to pretend to be her boyfriend so she won’t have to suffer all Christmas vacation listening to her parents complain. That’s when she meets Percy…

-Chapter 5-

When Annabeth wakes up the next morning Percy is already out of bed. She decides to get up and get dressed. She wears a pair of ripped jeans with a red knitted sweater. The throws her hair up into a ponytail and heads to the bathroom to brush her teeth. She hears her parents talking downstairs and wonders there Percy is.

She makes her way downstairs and notices Percy sitting at the family table.

She goes and sits beside him

“Have they giving you any shit yet?” She asks as she grabs a strawberry off of the plate in front of him.

“No, honestly they’ve been great to me.”

He says smiling at her

She gives him a skeptical look but decides that it’s early enough in their visit not to push things.

She goes into the living room and sees Her dad and stepmom sitting on the couch.

“So dad what are the plans for today?” She asks

“Annabeth can’t you see we’re watching a movie?” He says

“Okay then.” She says and goes to sit back beside Percy.

“Is there anything you wanna do while we’re here?” Annabeth says

“Welll, I kinda wanna go skiing.” He says with a smile.

“Okay I’ll talk to Conner and see if they wanna go.” She says

She goes upstairs to grab her phone. As she calls Conner she realizes picks up the clothes she left on the floor that morning.

“Morning Annabeth.” Conner says

“Morning. Percy says he really want to go skiing. Yall up for it?” She says.

“Of course meet you out front in thirty?” He says

“Yup” Annabeth says hanging up

She goes downstairs and tells her dad that they are going skiing.

“Okay see you two later. I think tonight we are going to go down to Auntie Ems if y’all want to join us.” He says

“Okay dad we’ll see yall there.” She says as she and Percy walk upstairs.

“So what am I supposed to wear skiing.” Percy asks as he opens his suitcase

“I’ll just get you one of my dad’s suits from the closet I’ll be right back.” She says

When she comes back into the room with the snowsuit she sets it on the bed and goes into the bathroom with hers. Once shes ready she slips back into the room and sees Percy sitting on the edge of the bed.

“You ready?” She asks grabbing her purse.

“Born ready wise girl” Percy says.

Conner and Travis meet them outside and they get in their mom’s car. Once they get to the mountains they put their skis on and go to the slopes.

Annabeth and Conner make fun of Percy almost the entire time because he can’t seem to get the hang of it.

Once they arrive back home around 3:00 pm Percy and Annabeth decide to change and then head back into town and just walk around.

The town that Annabeth grew up in was beautiful. If had a gourgous old-timey aesthetic that was hard to come by.

“So you keep talking about how terrible your parents are. But I just don’t understand.” Percy says as they walk past a diner.

“Well, when I was 6 years old my mom died. Those first size years of my life were amazing. We all got along and it was really fun. Then after she died my dad just became horrible. To everyone. After he met Susan it got worse. She had two boys that were two years younger than me. Bobby and Mathew.

“My dad barely ever even acknowledged me as his child. He ignored me ninety of the time. He never cared where I was or what I was doing. Or who I was with. Which seems like fun and stuff. But it just doesn’t feel good knowing that if you didn’t show up back home that night, no one would even notice.” Annabeth says slowing down.

She thought that telling Percy all of this would be a bad idea. She had bad trust issues. But after letting all that out she knew it was a good idea and that she could trust Percy

She could tell that Percy didn’t quite know what to say to that so she decided to change the subject.

“Anywaysss, we should do something.”

She says pulling his arm.

“Like what?” He asks smiling.

“Come on I’m gonna show you something” she says pulling him towards the towns park.

Once they got there Annabeth starts climbing into the play house. Once she gets to the top Percy calls up to her

“Annabeth please don’t fall.”

“I won’t, I’ve done this a million times. Come on up seaweed brain.”

“Seaweed brain?” He says slowly making his way up

“Yep just go with it.” She says as she climbs on top of the roof of the set.

“Whatever” he says smiling as he climbs

Once both of them are at the top Annabeth points towards the mountains.

“Look at that.” She says

“Wow. Annabeth how do you even know about this spot.” Percy says without looking away from the view

“When I got too stressed out or I just didn’t want to go home, I used to just come up here and look at the mountains.” She says

They fall into silence and just stare out into the view. Eventually Annabeth grows tired.

“Annabeth.” Percy says shaking her awake.

“Yeah?” She says sleepily she realizes that the sun isn’t as high in the sky as it was before.

“You fell asleep.” He says smiling

“Oh haha guess I was tired.” She says sitting up

She meets Percy’s eyes and they just stare at eachother.

“I guess we better go” Annabeth says breaking the silence and looking away.

As they walk back to the house she remembers that her parents said they were going to go out to eat that night.

They head upstairs and start getting ready for dinner. Percy is wearing blue jeans and a black button up shirt. Annabeth throws on blue ripped jeans and a black ruffle blouse. She tried to tame her curls with no luck. She ends up with half of it up and leaving the other half wild.

Around 6:00 they go downstairs. Her parents are already ready and sitting on the couch again.

“You guys ready?” Annabeth says grabbing her coat.

“We’ve been waiting on you two.” Her dad says

They make their way to the car. After an awkward car ride they arrive at the restaurant.

Once they were seated a waitress comes by and takes their drink orders.

“So Percy, what do you do for a living.” Susan says once the waiter walks off

“I work at a bakery with my mom.” He says with a polite smile

“Oh, that’s um fun.” Susan says with distaste

Percy looks over at Annabeth with amusement. Annabeth takes a sip of her drink to cover a laugh.

They sit in an awkward silence for a few minutes until the waitress comes back and asks what they want to eat.

“I’ll have the chicken Alfredo please” Annabeth says politely

“I’ll have what she’s having” Percy says looking at her

Her parents place there orders and the waitress walks away.

“So how long have you two been going out?” Annabeth’s dad asks gesturing between them

“About 3 months” Percy says

“Close to 5 months” Annabeth says at the same time

Annabeth looks down hiding her embarrassment. Percy laughs beside her.

“I guess it may be a little longer than I thought.” He says pretending to be dumbfounded.

“Okay then.” Susan says

“So annabeth how are your studies coming?” Her dad asks

“They’re good. I got a promotion a few months ago.” She says proudly

“And you’re still working in law? Ya know I still think you should have taken up a better job. Something that’ll actually get you somewhere.” He says

“Well I got a degree in law, so…” she trails off

Under the table Percys hand finds hers and squeezes reassuringly. She looks up at him and smiles. He smiles back and nods encouraging her.

“Nevermind then. It’s too late to change your mind anyways.” He says disappointed.

“Richard be nice. We have a guest” Susan says trying to keep the good act up.

They get through the rest of the dinner without any arguments somehow and end up back at the house.

As Percy and Annabeth get ready for bed Percy says

“I see what you mean. Your dad just doesn’t seem satisfied with how far you’ve come.”

“Yeah I guess not” she says sadly

After they both shower they slide into bed. It feels somewhat natural laying in bed with him. Even though they aren’t even touching or anything.

“Percy if we are going to make this fake dating this work we need to have a believable story.” She says turning on her side facing him.

“Like what?” He says turning her way

“Well we need to know how long we’ve known each other, where we met, and how long we’ve been together.” She says

“Well that’s easy, we met about 6 months ago, got together 5 months ago, and we can just say we met when I spilled coffee down your shirt on accident.” He says the last part smiling.

He reaches over and tucks a piece of stray hair behind her ear. She can feel the heat spread into her face and quickly turns the other way.

“Night Percy” she says

“Night Annabeth” he says back

Annabeth stays awake for at least another 45 minutes thinking about everything that happened today. Percy seems to be flirting with her. But if may just be an act. I mean they are fake dating. But still. Even if he was flirting, she couldn’t risk it.

She realized with a start that she might actually be catching feelings. Nope. Not again. Not after what happened last time.