#and mr. beans over there is a troll as well

[justatree75]

am i excited about the possibility of my favorite mcyt joel smallishbeans joining hermitcraft? absolutely! do i trust any mcyt to not lie? NO FREAKING WAY

[dialovers-translations]

DIABOLIK LOVERS LOST EDEN Imajin Webshop Tokuten Drama CD “Goldfish Paradise: The Disaster of the Magic Goldfish” Part 1

Original title: ゴールドフィッシュパラダイス★魔金魚の災い」前篇

Source: Diabolik Lovers LOST EDEN Imajin Webshop Tokuten Drama CD

Audio: Here

Seiyuu: Hirakawa Daisuke, Tatsuhisa Suzuki & Tomoaki Maeno

Translator’s note: I have been curious about this set of drama CDs ever since I saw the title. It just sounds so surreal, but everything can happen in the world of DL Tokuten CDs lol. That being said, for some reason the possibility of a fishing competition never even crossed my mind. This trio definitely is something I want to see more of though. Laito and Kino being trolls while Yuma is the only serious guy just makes for some a really funny dynamic. I’m definitely curious to find out what will go down in part two of this CD!

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

Laito: …Pwaah~ There’s nothing to do. Even though I woke up early, I should have probably waited to leave the house until after sunset. I figured that hitting up town at an earlier time of the day might allow me to run into a different kind of woman, but I guess it’s not that easy. Haah-aahー I suppose I’ll kill some time at a random store until the night falls. …Wait, huh?

Laito comes to a halt. 

Laito: ‘...Goldfish Paradise’? Has this bright pink entrance sign always been here? Hmー But this name…I feel like it could lead to an encounter with a youthful, feisty (1) girl! Let’s take a look inside!

He enters the store. 

Laito: …Eh!? What’s up with this place!? There’s just one, dirty-looking pond in the very back of the shop…!? How am I supposed to enjoy myself here!? 

Yuma walks up to him. 

Yuma: …Haah!? I was wonderin’ who could have hit up this store, but if it isn’t Mr. Fedora from the Sakamaki’s… I didn’t think a bean sprout like yerself would have the guts to take part in this competition. 

Laito: Hah? Competition? 

Yuma: Yeah! This is the venue for the 10th edition of the Goldfish Fishing Competition!

Laito: I didn’t know that! I only came in hopes of running into a feisty young lady!

Yuma: Sorry to burst yer bubble mate, but the only people you’ll find here are a bunch of old geezers participatin’ in the competition. 

Laito: Haah!? Excuse me!? Hmー It kind of feels like I got scammed…

Yuma: Anyway, if you’re just gonna stand there and do nothin’, then just go home already. The less rivals, the better for me. 

Laito: So, how come you’re taking part of this competition? 

Yuma: Ya see, while it may sound like a pretty borin’ competition, the prize money’s nothin’ to scoff at. I want to use that money to buy myself a new mini tractor!

Laito: Haah!? A tractor? Could you think of anything less attractive? I’m sure there’s more exciting ways to invest your money!

Yuma: Ah…? But with a tractor, a whole new world of possibilities will open up for me!

*Rustle* 

Kino: …Excuse me. Could the two of you quiet down a little? 

Yuma: …Ahー ‘m bad. …Wait… You’reーー!? Kino!? What are you doin’ over here spread out underneath a beach parasol? You’ve gotta be kiddin’ me!

Kino: Hah? That’s none of your business is it? 

Yuma: Listen. People are here to fight it out. It’s not some place to fool ‘round! Anywayーー Don’t tell me ya wandered in here by mistake as well? 

Kino: I didn’t. I only came here because someone told me there was a gaming competition being held. While analog games are outside my area of expertise, I don’t really care as long as I can claim the prize money so I do plan on participating. I’ve filled out all the necessary forms as well so there’s nothing you can complain about, is there? 

Yuma: Che…Well, I guess I can’t give ya crap if you’ve properly registered. 

Laito: Hmー Well, I’ve got nothing better to do, so I suppose I’ll participate as well. …Well then, Kino-kun, allow me to sit down next to you. 

*Rustle rustle* 

Kino: Aah…? There’s not enough space, so back off. 

Laito: Oh come on! I want to at least get a little taste of that ‘Paradise feel’. Come on, make some space. 

*Rustle rustle* 

Kino: Che…I ran into a duo of annoyances. I better win this thing real quick so I can go home, or else I’m going to end up stressed out. 

Yuma: …Ah? I’m obviously takin’ this win! If ya wanna go home that badly, then just drop out right now!

Kino: No way. I need the prize money to compensate for the 100 back-to-back gacha pulls I went for in my game, or else Yuuri will not let me live it down. 

Laito: Heeh…You’re quite the impulsive buyer, it seems? Then again, taking those kind of risks is all part of making the game more fun, isn’t it? 

Kino: Heehー You sound like someone who knows the real joy of life. 

Yuma: Haah…Somehow I ended up with some strange company. 

They can hear commotion in the background. 

Yuma: …Woah there, seems like we’re gonna start soon. 

Laito: Hey, Yuma. Can you give me a quick and easy rundown of the rules? 

Yuma: Haah…? Why do I have to bother explainin’ that shit? 

Kino: Usually I’d rely on Yuuri for those kind of things, but since he’s not here with me today, I’d say you’re the next best candidate since your name only differs two letters (2) from his. 

Yuma: Hah! I didn’t come here to be yer damn babysit! Listen up, since all three of us are competin’ in this thing, we’re basically rivals. So what makes ya think I’d do ya fuckers that sorta favor? 

Laito: Che…I bet it’s just about who can reel in the most goldfish, right?

Yuma: …W-Who knows!

Laito: Well, it seems like the rules are easy enough to figure out ourselves. Which just leaves figuring out where the best place to fish is…I have to say, it’s a little ‘fishy’ how you haven’t moved at all from your spot, Yuma~ 

Yuma: …!? W-What do ya mean, ‘fishy’!? …I-I just like the view from here, that’s all! So leave me alone!

Laito: The view, you say…? All I can see is an old man in a tank top sitting about. How is that supposed to motivate you? If you can only come up with such lousy excuses, you’d be better off just saying nothing at all. 

Kino: It’s kind of unfair to try and keep the winning strategy all for yourself, don’t you think? It’d make for a much more exciting competition if everyone actually has a chance at winning. 

Yuma: Fuck off! As if!

*Whistle* 

Laito: Oh! Seems like it has started! Umー Let’s see…

*Rustle rustle* 

Laito: This is what I’d use as bait, right…?

Yuma: Idiot! Don’t just enter someone else’s fishin’ spot and take their stuff without permission! Are you a thug or somethin’!? Fuck off!

*Rustle* 

Laito: What’s this~? Your reaction seems a little off? Could it be that there’s some kind of hidden secret behind this bait? 

Kino: He might be trying to cheat, so I believe this calls for further investigation. Now then, hand it over. 

Yuma: Haah!? Don’t be all suspicious of me! …God, I went through a lot of trouble to buy these but I guess I have no other choice…If ya want it that badly, ya can have some. Here ya go!

*Thud* 

Laito: Woah there…Uwah! What are these!? They’re wriggling around and have a bunch of legs…This is out of the question…!!

Yuma: Hehe. I got it from the fishin’ store ‘round the corner ‘cause those creepy crawlers whose name escapes me at the moment are well-known for lurin’ in lots of fish. I’ll share some with ya guys so ya better accept it now!

*Woosh* 

Kino: Uwah! Don’t throw it!

Yuma: Ah!? Oh come on! This is the real deal! If ya hurl one of these suckers into the pond, the fish will comeーー 

Laito: Aaah, stop, time out! I don’t need you to explain in vivid detail! It’s giving me goosebumps…!

Yuma: Haah!? Everyone knows that live bait works best when fishin’, right? If you can’t handle this, then ya can forget ‘bout takin’ home the trophy. 

*Wriggle wriggle* 

Kino: Uwah…I can’t believe this guy has no issue touching bugs with his bare hands…Hey, while you’re add it, could you put one of those on the hook of my rod as well? 

Yuma: Don’t wanna. Do it yerself. 

Laito: Uwah…There’s just no way…What to do now? Do I have anything on me which could serve as bait? 

*Rustle rustle*

Laito: Ah, right, right! I completely forgot! I brought these macarons Reiji made with me, hoping to enjoy them together with some cute girls! If I put one of these on the hook…

*Rustle*

Laito: This should do! It’s sweet, so the female fish should flock to this like bees to honey, fufu~ …I can’t wait!

*Plop* 

Yuma: Ah! What are ya doin’!? In what world could ya fish like that!? It doesn’t make sense, does it!? 

Kino: Hah…? Why are you acting like you’re Mr. Logic himself? These kinds of competitions are fun because you never know what might lead to a surprising victory. Well then…I suppose I’ll use this special blend of guava juice as bait.

Laito: Eh? But you can’t attach a liquid to the hook, can you? 

Kino: I’ve seen people do this on TV before but…There’s an alternative method of pouring the bait directly on top of the water’s surface and then waiting for the fish to gather, you see? 

Yuma: You’re talkin’ ‘bout purse seine fishing, aren’t ya? I mean, I’m sure that’ll allow ya to haul in a bunch of them as well, but can ya pull it off in a small fishin’ pond like this? Or rather, ya really think those fish are gonna get lured in by some sticky, sweet juice? 

Kino: We won’t know until we try. That being said…

*Pshhhhh* 

Kino: Uwah. It turned the water into a really strange color. I wonder what exactly Yuuri put in here? 

Yuma: This definitely won’t end well! I can’t believe ya fuckers keep on usin’ this weird shit as bait…What if it drives away all the fish from my spot as well!? 

Laito: Not my problem~! …Well then, I wonder if I’ll hit jackspot soon? 

*Blub* 

Laito: Oh? Could it be…I’ve got a bite? …Ey~!

*Splash* 

Laito: Ah! I reeled one in!

Yuma: You’ve gotta be shittin’ me…I can’t believe a fish would latch onto a macaron! The goldfish ‘round here must be junk eaters!

Laito: Well, in my humble opinion, those wanting to sink their teeth into those creepy crawlers instead are the real junk eaters. 

*Bubble bubble* 

Laito: Huh? Kino-kun, isn’t the water around you bubbling? 

Kino: Hm? You’re right…? What could it be? Maybe the goldfish have gathered, lured in by the juice? 

Yuma: As if! 

Laito: But I can see something red which looks like a goldfish. Kino-kun, why don’t you try reeling in your rod to check? 

Kino: I was going to do that either way. 

*Splash* 

Kino: Uwah…! Something’s tugging on the rod!

*Splash* 

Kino: Ah. I got another one. 

Yuma: Haah!? I can’t believe he got two back-to-back like that!? 

Kino: Hahaha! I’m reeling in a whole bunch of them! These fish must be real idiots! 

Laito: Uwah! Impressive! However, I’m not losing either! I do feel a little bad for Reiji, but I’m going to use up all of these macarons. 

*Plop* 

Laito: Hahaha~ Amazing! This competition is a piece of cake! Let’s keep this ball rolling~!

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

[stressisakiller]

Next Steps (F.W)

The Other Dursley Part 2

Pairing: Muggle Dursley x Fred Weasley

A/N: This was requested by and anon who asked for a second part to muggle Dursley x Fred Weasley. I may go ahead and do a third part to this, let me know what you think in the comments!

Flashbacks are in italics. Fred lives AU

Warnings: None, Just fluff 

Word count: 2k

Part 1

You and Freddie had spent the morning together at his flat. You enjoyed some pancakes together that you had agreed to make, chocolate chip, of course, much to George’s delight when he walked out of his room that morning. You and Fred had decided not to tell anyone that you were together yet, you wanted to see how long it took them to figure out that you had actually started dating. George took a measured glance at the way you were seated, lounging in your chair with your legs across Fred’s lap. You pretended not to notice.

 “So what do the lovebirds have planned today?” He questioned. You just rolled your eyes and replied,

 “Well, I was wanting to help out at the shop for a little bit until Harry can get here to show me around a little more.” George’s eyebrow raised at that

 “Oh? Why isn’t Fred showing you around?” you giggled and rolled your eyes

 “Well he does have a popular business to help run and I would hate to get in the way of that,” you answered teasingly. You didn’t give George the chance to answer instead grabbing the dishes and heading to the sink. “Actually,” you mused, “I think I’ll head out to explore now.” You saw that trepidation on both of their faces. “I’ll be fine really, I just want to explore and discover this new place at my own pace and you need to work” You grabbed your purse and Fred stopped you right before you got to the door, he gave you some money so that you could buy whatever you wanted while you were out and with that you headed out eager to explore this magical new world.

 You found an ice cream shop and a cauldron shop, it felt kind of like a kitchen store just more specialized, you were impressed by the solid gold cauldron wondering what the purpose for it could be. You kept wandering through the increasingly busy streets, passing a robe shop and one that should all types of herbs. You were surprised to note that other than the ice cream shop there weren’t many food businesses and there weren’t any bakeries. You decided to speak with Fred about that when you got back to the shop. You were pulled out of your thoughts by someone calling out your name. You turned and saw your cousin running towards you, you laughed as he pulled you into a hug and swung you around. You were dizzy by the time he set you down, you giggled as you asked

 “What are you trying to make me fall over? What’s the occasion Cousin?” Harry grinned at you, 

“Does there have to be an occasion? I’m just excited to see you again! Plus I’m excited to show you around my world a little bit more, although it seems like you’ve been doing some exploring of your own.” You couldn’t help but look a little bashful at that.

 “I couldn’t help it, it was just such a beautiful morning and there was just so much to see!” He shook his head at your excitement,

 “I understand that completely, I felt the same way the first time I came here. Come on let's go! I have to show you my favorite spots.” You spent the rest of the morning into the afternoon running around with Harry, learning more and more about the wizarding world. As you explored you noticed that there were many shops that were empty and closed, asking Harry about it he explained what happened with the Wizarding war and how it affected Diagon alley and the people that worked there. You asked him about your idea from earlier. Would there be a way to buy one of the old shops and bring a muggle bakery in? He mulled it over for a moment before decisively saying that he couldn’t see why not and that he and Mr. Weasley would love to help you figure out the details of how and where. You headed back to Fred and George’s shop in high spirits debating whether you should talk to Fred about it yet or keep it as more of a secret until you got all of the kinks worked out. Opening the door you couldn’t help the smile that lit your face when you saw Fred in his element, talking with his customers, telling them about all the trouble he and George got into at Hogwarts, convincing them to buy more than they needed or thought that they wanted. You giggled as you watched one of the kids walk by you with a dazed look on his face after talking with Fred, you could relate, you wore a similar look after hanging out with him the first couple of times. You strolled over to him just in time to hear the end of his latest story.

 “And that’s how George and I ended up creating a swamp in the middle of the hallway.” You shook your head at that deciding that you would ask him about it later. He noticed you walking up out of the corner of his eye and turned to smile at you, pulling you to his side as he finished helping the customer. He placed a quick kiss on your head, not being able to help himself. You looked around and saw that George was just leaving the storage room so he probably didn’t see it so you could keep the charade going at least a little bit longer. You murmured that you were going to go put your bags into the apartment upstairs since they were giving a little heavy and he nodded and told you to come back down and find him once you were done. You did just that, taking a moment to check your appearance in the mirror before you headed down, appearances weren’t the most important thing but you knew that you probably looked a little windswept after being outside all morning. You came back down the stairs and started to help George at the cash register, he quickly explained the money system and told you to holler if you needed any help before he ran back into the backroom to restock a couple of the shelves that were currently empty. You were in awe of how well their business was doing and how many people appreciated them bringing joy back to the world. You became determined that you were going to find a way to help them bring that joy back in any way that you could. Mentally setting up a plan for how and where you would put your bakery. Looking around the shop you had ideas for tons more desserts and goodies, wondering if wizards would like the coffee you would make and what new flavors you could experiment with that the wizarding world had. Watching Fred you settled that you would wait to tell him until you were certain it would work. 

The next couple of weeks consisted of you, Arthur, and Harry making and executing the plans for your new shop. You found and bought the empty shop next to the Weasley’s shop, thinking that you could put a doorway between the two so that it would be easier for Fred and you to see each other during the day. It didn’t take long for George to realize that you were up to something so you had to spill the beans and tell him your plan. You were surprised by how excited he was at the prospect and how many ideas he had to make it better. Your secret-keeping came to an end when you had purchased the new place and Harry had helped you set up all of the appliances you would need, Arthur, made sure that it was all perfectly legal and you had a permit as a muggle to have a business in the wizarding world. It was two months since you and Fred had started dating and you were going to show him your shop as an anniversary date. You baked that morning making a couple of your new treat ideas including bread shaped like unicorns and chocolate trolls filled with raspberry compote. You were super nervous about telling him, worried that he would be mad about you keeping it from him, but you didn’t want to get his hopes out before knowing if it would work out. You met up with him around 7 that night, right as their shop was closing. He walked down out of his apartment as soon as you walked in the door. He wasn’t dressed up, he had taken off his suit jacket and vest earlier in the day, but he still looked good in his slacks and white button-down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. You were dressed in a cute sundress not wanting to look too formal knowing that Fred probably wouldn’t look properly formal until the day he got married. You may have blushed a little when you had that thought. He walked up to you, looking you over he couldn’t help but wonder how he got so lucky, 

“You look beautiful” he breathed out, you blushed even harder at his words

. “Well, you don’t look too bad yourself” you quipped, “are you ready to see my surprise for you?” He flashed you one of his signature grins and told you to lead the way. He couldn’t help his confusion when you lead him out of his shop and into the one next door. You held your breath as you turned the lights on, worried about what his reaction would be. You heard his quick intake when the lights illuminated the space around you. You waited another moment before turning to look at him, his eyes were taking everything in and you waited for him to ask the questions you knew were coming. After taking in the whole room he turned to face you,

 “So is this what you’ve been working on the last 2 months?” he questioned. You looked down stealing yourself to what he would say once he heard your answer. 

“Yes, Harry, your Dad and I have been working on figuring out a way for me to open a bakery in Diagon Alley. They helped me enchant the appliances so that they would work without muggle electricity. I should be able to open in a couple of months, there is still a lot to get done.” You were surprised by the smile that overtook his face at your words,

 “You mean to tell me that in a couple of months you will be working right next to me and living near me? That I will be able to just walk next door to see you and not have to worry about exploding magic to muggles?” his smile grew when you nodded “This is the best gift you could have ever gotten me!” He pulled you into a tight hug and you realized that there was no one else that you would want to be with not when the man in front of you was so excited for you to get to do your passion. You felt the tears well up in your eyes from how happy you were to have him in your life. You looked in his eyes and declared that you were done hiding your relationship from his family, that you wanted to go to the weekly Weasley dinner that night and let them know that you were together and couldn’t be happier. He grabbed your hand and apparated you to the garden outside the burrow. Giving you a quick kiss to fortify you he opened the door and walked into the Burrow with your hands intertwined. You laughed at Mrs. Weasley’s reaction and how she was so excited for you to be a part of the family, you and Fred blushed at that. You were swarmed by the rest of the Weasleys and were so overwhelmed that you almost didn’t see Harry handing over a galleon to George. Almost

[fluffyglass]

THE MR. RUDE APOLOGISM MASTERPOST

you may be asking "Oh dear god what has Finn gotten up to this time?" well, that my friend, is a very valid question! The answer to which is as follows: He's rewatched every single TMMS segment with Mr. Rude in it to prove that he's done nothing wrong!

After many many hours of rewatching, I've come to some conclusions on the depressed tomato man. I'll give a quick rundown here, then throw my episode by episode analysis under the cut.

Season 1

Mr. Rude is in 30 episodes in Season 1.

In only 3 of these episodes does he do anything wrong.

In 4 of the episodes where he's innocent, Mr. Fussy yells at him for no reason.

Season 2

Mr. Rude is in 30 episodes in Season 2.

In only 6 of these episodes does he do anything wrong.

In 1 of the episodes where he's innocent, as well as one where he did do something wrong, Mr. Fussy yells at him for no reason.

Conclusions

In total, Mr. Rude only actually did anything wrong in 9 out of the 60 segments he's in, which is 15%. That's less than a quarter of the time. Even counting the three episodes I was unsure about, that's only 12/60. 20%. Still less than a quarter.

Why have I been bringing up Mr. Fussy? Because this experience genuinely made me not like him anymore. In only one out of Mr. Fussy's 7 appearances with Mr. Rude does he not yell at him, and in five of the times he does - it was completely unjustified.

Now, onto the episode by episode section!

Ah, you wanna see my episode by episode analysis? Well, I'll give you a quick color legend first.

Yellow - Mr. Rude does nothing wrong

Red - Mr. Rude does something wrong

Blue - Mr. Fussy yells at Mr. Rude for no reason

Pink - I have no idea what to put for this one lmao

Also, there's a ton of cursing in here because I wrote these notes as I went along and I don't feel like editing them to be more professional. You get what you get when it comes to Mr. Rude apologism.

SEASON 1

Flying - He does nothing wrong, he just asked Mr. Grumpy to do his fucking job. Though, I will admit, he was a dick about it.

Music - He does nothing wrong, Miss Naughty is a fucking bitch and Mr. Fussy targeted him for no got damn reason even though he has fucking ears and should have heard Miss Naughty going off on her fucking cymbals. Miss Naughty also tried to poison him so

Farm - He does nothing wrong, those bitch ass crows broke his fucking robot I cant believe this.

Booboos - He does nothing wrong, he literally just wants some decent service while he is in the fucking hospital and Mr. Scatterbrain is a fucking moron about it

Mall - He's barely in it and I will admit he is a bit of an asshole in this one but he doesn't do anything explicitly wrong

Birthday - He does nothing wrong, he just wants to buy a birthday present for his homie Mr. Grumpy. In fact, he shows that he cares about his friend because he knows what he would want (and gets something he wouldnt like, presumably as a joke). Hes a caring friend but also a troll.

Superstore - He does nothing wrong, he just wants to return his shitty toaster. It ends up well for everyone involved :)

Books - He does nothing wrong, he is literally just neurodivergent and cannot read social situations

Camping - He does nothing wrong, he tried to warn everyone that they were going the wrong way, and then called out Miss Whoops on her fucking bullshit and putting everyone in danger. He then proceeded to fucking die. Miss Daredevil doesnt even give a shit about two of the raft riders fucking dying what the fuck.

Paint - He does nothing wrong, he just wants to finish his painting commission.

Jobs - This is the one I time I'll admit he does something really wrong. He commits multiple driving related crimes, as well as throwing his sandwich at Mr. Quiet, splashing Mr. Nosey and Mr. Small, and taking advantage of Mr. Scatterbrain's stupidity. He also crumpled up Mr. Scatterbrain's drawing of a hamster.

Trains - He does nothing wrong, Mr. Fussy's a bitch ass motherfucker, and he did more good than bad because he rescued Mr. Messy at the end.

Fair - He does nothing wrong, he got a fucking pie yeeted at him of course he wouldn't like it. He does put the pie in Mr. Scatterbrain's face though but he already got it in his face so it's just even now. He then proceeds to be pelted with pies. But thankfully it seems like they're both having fun by the end.

Movies - Yeah he's a bit of an asshole in this one. He puts too much cheese on Mr. Happy's nachos (and then throws them at him). He does get his karma though cause he gets fucking trapped in the popcorn machine someone please save him oh my god.

Dance - He does nothing wrong, he just has taste.

Inventions - He does nothing wrong, Miss Chatterbox just doesnt like him for the way he is which is super fucked up of her. What the fuck, man. He accepts Miss Chatterbox's invention regardless. He then proceeds to be abused by everyone around him. Hes totally justified in being mean at the end.

Amusement Park - Okay yeah he was an asshole in this one, cause he was rude to Miss Calamity about her supposed grooming habits. However, he was also abused a lot during multiple of the bumpers, which I guess counts as karma.

Adventure - He literally doesnt even do anything in this one

Rainy Day - Dude, his entire fucking family died. Give him a break.

Games - He did nothing wrong, he won the fucking game but Mr. Scatterbrain took the credit what the fuck he only had 3 POINTS MR RUDE HAD 4 MR. HAPPY YOU DUMB YELLOW FUCK LEARN HOW TO COUNT

Restaurants - He does nothing wrong, Mr. Fussy is so fucking mean to him I will never get over this he deserves so much better what the fuck

Cars - he's just vibin man

Canned Goods - He does nothing wrong, he just ate some beans man

Collecting - he's barely in it and just kinda vibes

Full Moon - He does nothing wrong, he legit just got kidnapped by some fucking aliens with his alien husband

Heatwave - He does nothing wrong, 6 gay men just casually committed acts of Home Invasion and are going to be arrested for their crimes against him.

Sleep - He does nothing wrong, and I doubt anyone would have even noticed he was asleep if Miss Chatterbox kept her fucking mouth shut. He cant control what hes doing if hes fucking asleep. Even after all that he still clapped for Mr. Fussy, who hates him, at the end. What a champ.

Carwash - He does nothing wrong, Miss Calamity technically fucking kidnapped him what the fuck.

Lawns - He does nothing wrong, he didn't want to take his lawn to begin with and then got his lawn ruined for literally no reason, even after warning Me. Nosey and Mr. Small that their invention was gonna explode. He even gave Miss Chatterbox the joy in knowing she "won".

Parade - He does nothing wrong, he legit just made a float and Mr. Fussy fucking bullied him for it. What the fuck.

SEASON 2

Clean Teeth - Yeah hes a bitch in this one but Mr. Fussy was also a bitch so it evens out.

Airports - He does nothing wrong, he just wanted to go on his flight. Of anything, Miss Scary was more rude than he was.

Game Shows - He does nothing wrong like. Genuinely nothing, and then gets physically assaulted.

Hats - He does nothing wrong, Mr. Grumpy's just a fucking bitch and took credit for both his and Mr. Tickles hats. What the fuck, man.

Robots - He does nothing wrong, he legit just got his baguette burnt wtf

Up and Down - He's fine for the first bit but I will admit hes an asshole in the second one

Gifts - He does nothing wrong, he's just trying to keep Mr. Tickle from fucking assaulting people. Then his entire store is destroyed for no reason.

Sun and Moon - He does nothing wrong, he barely did anything at all

Telephone - I refused to watch this one I just know hes a bitch in it

Washing and Drying - He does nothing wrong, he just wanted his laundry done and he got assaulted at the end. Why is this a trend.

Fruit - He stole Miss Sunshines fucking fruit and then proceeded to endanger everyone around him by driving recklessly. What the fuck, man.

Radio - He does nothing wrong, Mr. Scatterbrain is just a moron, and Miss Whoops is a dumbass.

Supermarket - ???

Cinema - He doesn't do anything wrong, and he looks very nice in his new hat.

Post Office - He doesn't do anything wrong, hes trying his best okay (he also gets covered in stamps at the end)

Pets - He doesn't do anything wrong, he doesn't do anything at all

Dance Dance Dance - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Fussy's a fucking bitch

Trees - He doesn't do anything wrong, someone free him

Library - He didnt even do anything man

Pirates - He doesn't do anything wrong, in fact he is the first to jump in and protect his crewmates from the aliens. He also saves the entire space crew in the end.

Trains and Planes - He doesn't do anything wrong, he barely does anything to begin with

Out to Sea - He doesn't do anything wrong, it makes sense for him to act in his own self interest because he was stuck on a deserted island with those three morons for 30 fucking days. He didn't intend to take the boat, because the tide rolled him out. He is now inevitably going to die.

Next Door - Yeah hes a bitch in this one, but he didnt deserve to get his fucking car crushed.

Lunch - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Stubborn drew first blood.

Machines - This is a weird one. Is he really in the wrong for wanting to go home? I mean, it's safe to assume Miss Giggles is fucking dead if she was taken by a dinosaur. He even vows not to doubt Miss Daredevil at the end and is happy to see Miss Giggles okay

Fairies and Gnomes - even though he thinks it's silly that Mr. Nervous is scared of a garden gnome, he still "arrests" it to make him happy :)

Home Improvement - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Stubborn is just a moron.

Birds - He doesn't do anything wrong, he was even nice enough to invite Mr. Nervous along for the birdwatching trip. He's totally justified in not giving a shit about Mr. Fussy because Mr. Fussy has been nothing bit horrible to him the entire show.

Parks - He does nothing wrong he just wanted a burger

Surprises - Refused to watch this one again, I just know hes a bitch

Wow, that's a lot. Anyways, as a proud Mr. Rude apologist, I conclude that he's an innocent man and doesn't deserve the shit he gets. I can get taking his drivers license though that man cannot drive for the life of him

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

Wife’s Hilda Rewatch - The Hidden people

As you, my adored goblins, know by now, Hilda season 2 is coming out this year, and the Hilda Fandom Network has organized a rewatch for us to reaquaint ourselves with the show because apparently not everyone rewatched it every month.

Without further ado, stick around if you want to see me ramble about the first episode of Hilda.

(Just to make it clear, this is not spoiler free, so watch Hilda before you read this.)

Okay, so, the episode begins with Raven flying over Trollberg and then the wilderness. We then see Hilda doing some... Hilda stuff around in the forest, and then she finds a dormant troll rock. And Raven is siting on its nose??? They had seen each other before??? I don’t remember Raven recognizing Hilda in other episodes, so either I have bad memory or Raven thinks he has seen more than one girl with blue hair.

Him. He’s looking very suspicious.

Anyway. Anyone else worried about Hilda? I mean

“If the troll moves, the bell jingles! Than we’ll know it’s time to run for our lifes.” Hilda. No. No, babey, don’t do that. I know you’re gen z but we’re all worried for you.

Moving forward, I think we all failed as a fandom to never have discussed the way woffs sleep

Look at them!!! Look at those adorable bean bags! They look to peaceful I love them!

I think I have a favorite!

Can’t believe I relate so much to a woff.

*Sighs* Man, Hilda is amazing. She’s reckless but she’s so, so kind. She sees that a creature that was trying to kill her is in distress and she gets close to help?? She deserves the world

Also are we going to ignore that she called it “Mr. Troll”? This girl has some sharp manners.

Okay, her manners are not *that* sharp, but tiny beings were threatening her, so we’re cutting her some slack.

Next, about that scene where the elves reck havoc in her house, can anyone explain me how the elves got to send a message through the TV?? Do they have technology this advanced?? This scene was legit scary.

Our boy!!! Our boy is here! Nothing to comment on him yet, I just wanted to put a picture of him here.

Wait. If the elf village was scattered around Hilda’s house, does that mean that earlier she had lead a Troll rock to the middle of their little city? Well no wonder they were mad!

Y’all, I want to know more about elf culture. They have democracy. They have counties. They have legends (as we’ll see in future episodes). They have traditions. What more do they have?

Also Hilda stop disrespecting elf culture 2k20

—————————————————-

STOP for a few seconds. This is the “let’s appreciate the Hilda colour pallete” time

Thank you for your attention. Now back to the episode.

—————————————————-

“It’s our of my hands! And I don’t even have hands!”

No matter how much you disagree with me in everything else about this episode, you have to admit that this is pure comedy, okay?

Still on the topic of quoting elves: “I only said I’d get rid of you because I knew I’d get elected if I did.”

Wow. Politicians are the same in every species, huh?

This is pretty much what I had to comment about this episode! Now let’s go for

Wife’s episode score!

+5 for the famous line “such is the life of an adventurer!”

+5 for Woodman walking into Hilda’s place because why not

+2 for many cute creatures!

+10 for Alfur pretending to be all lawful but faking Hilda’s signature

+5 for the elf Mayor’s pregnant cat

That sums up to 27 out of ????. There is no logic to the scores I’ll be giving, I just like to point out my highlights and score things.

Bonus:

Me when someone posts Johanna x Librarian fanart/fanfic

[saintheartwing]

Invader Zim: The Pigshit Troll, Part One

Dib didn't like Zim's creative writing stories, and he made that clear to everyone. Now everyone is sure he's the troll going around blasting other people's work and writing horrible, awful things. With his reputation cratered and people despising him...what's to be done? 

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Creative writing! One of the best, easiest ways to express yourself in the school setting. It would be a nice and simple way to boost one's grade point average, too.

But it also told people a lot about the sort of person you were, and that was as clear as could be when it came to the "student" called Zim. Dib was very well aware of that. He scowled a bit as he looked through some of the stories Zim had written, all of them were made available on the school's website just like his was or Zita or Sara or his own sister Gaz's, and there were distinct personalities shining through. Dib had spent a long time reading them in his room, his black, scythe-like hair slicked back a little, adjusting his glasses, wearing his usual black jacket as he looked the stories over.

Gretchen had a lot in common with him. She too liked to write mysteries or science fiction tales. Stories of the fantastic. One particular story had a distinct "Carrie" esque influence, a rather homely-looking girl finding out she had psychic powers and was trying to learn "how to blow shit up with my MIND" as she kept saying to her friends and family around her. It actually ended up working, a Poop cola can shaking about on the table to a pineapple and a watermelon getting blown apart to, at long last, the principal's car going up in a glorious bang right before his eyes, thereby ensuring that she would never, ever again get sent to detention or his office for anything.

Sara's stories showed her strict Catholic upbringing, there was much emphasis on guilt, forgiveness, redemption and religion. She had, however, also shown a clear talent in action schlock, FUN action schlock. Dib was surprised to find himself enjoying her tales of the Saints that she'd adapted into stories for others to read, Saint Sebastian taking more arrows than Boromir in Lord of the Rings, Peter racing for his life to escape a hostile city that wanted to kill him, ducking down every grimy alley he could find, and, of course, her magnum opus was on Saint George, the famous "dragon slayer". Not only did she detail a fantastic fight, but George's refusal to renounce his faith, terrible torture sessions, being sliced and diced on a wheel of swords that STILL didn't kill him before finally being decapitated on a city wall. Sara had clear talent for gripping your attention.

Gaz however, loooooved to write horror stories. One particular story stood out. He was in it. Investigating a haunted house, Gaz had written that Dib had heard a grandfather clock chime when the house had been abandoned for over a hundred years, and the clock couldn't still be working. All of the parts were long since rusted and broken down. Then, he was chased by an axe wielding ghost, cracking through the floor, down into a big dungeon…where even more axe wielding ghosts laid in wait! The ending was a horrible twist one too. He woke up in his bed, all of it had clearly been a dream…until you saw the "OR HAD IT?" at the end, with a special illustration she'd made of Dib holding his own severed head up above his body.

But then it came time to Zim's stories. And were he not wearing that black fake hair and fake contacts, Dib knew the little alien invader would be grinning his zipper-toothed grin with a dark, smug light in his ruby/maroon eyes. That little green-skinned piece of crap.

Zim's stories had serious grammatical errors. Zim's stories had him winning all the time. Zim's stories had him doing disgusting, horrible things to humans and especially to Dib, and to his family. Zim seemed to relish in getting to write all of this down and he LOOOOVED seeing the look on Dib's face when Dib was looking at his smartphone, because he knew, he could tell when Dib was reading one of HIS tales. Dib had a unique mixture of disgust, anger, irritation and revulsion that blended together like a bad smoothie, and Zim was drinking it aaaaaaall in…and loving every second of it.

"This doesn't even begin to make sense!" Dib proclaimed, reading the latest story Zim had written. "Why would I ever, EVER help you…YOU…conquer the galaxy? I've spent my whole life trying to keep you from conquering Earth! Literally, years of my life! You expect me to just do a personality 180 and be like "Irken tyranny is fine"!?" He remarked aloud at Zim, giving him a dark glower. "Oh, and then there's this one, this one here…" He pointed at his smartphone screen. "This one just comes off like a torture porn. How did the teacher let you get away with it? It's just you torturing me for no good reason and rubbing your face in winning. And THIS one expects me to be HAPPY that you're conquering the universe using demonic artifacts so the Irken empire reigns supreme! And then you...kidnap my sister? And you murder people in front of her yet expect us to overlook all that awful stuff because you had a sad past? My childhood has sucked, I didn't grow up to be a megalomaniacal sociopath like you!"

"Bully for you." Gaz remarked with a grunt. "Dib, it's just some fanfics and stories, it ain't a big deal."

"Yeah well maybe not, but it's still gross to me, okay? And if he wants to write about it, I get to complain about it. That's my freedom of speech." He grunted back as Zim smirked and stuck his tongue out at Dib. He had a nice, easy way to get under the human's skin and there wasn't anything he could do.

Nobody had any idea how bad it was going to get.

The next day, their English teacher Nick called the students to pay attention at the front of his class as he walked in, his expression solemn, quiet and disturbed. "I found some…very insulting, horrible reviews put up on the school website, reviewing the stories. I would like whoever wrote them to come forward." He intoned, the rather hairy-armed and hairy-chested young man sighing as he folded his arms over his green t-shirt, Dib looking from him to Zim, then to the rest of the class as they immediately took out their phones to check.

Sure enough, the reviews were astoundingly cruel. They weren't even competently put together.

"THIS STORY IS PIG SHIT! THIS STORY IS PIGSHIT!"

"PIGSHIT FUCK YOUR PIGSHIT NARDS YOU DERPIN PAN!"

"THIS STORY IS PIGSHIT!"

"REVIEW MY STORIEZ! u/3211346 REVIEW MY STORIES OR I WILL FIND YOU IN REAL LIFE AND FORCE YOU!"

"Sheesh." Dib frowned. What the heck was all this? It was all in caps. And it had been left not only on stories done by his classmates, but on other classes too. It was odd…nothing linked them at all. After all, the classmates in the grade older than him were super focused on that silly show "Moon Sailor". And Gaz's class, except for her, had all written tales about "Nakuro the Ninja", they were reeeeaaally into anime and manga lately.

"I don't want to believe anyone in my class wrote these reviews but all of the English teachers are asking their students. So…whomever may be behind these? Step forward."

And that's when some of the kids looked right at Dib, murmuring and muttering amongst themselves as Dib glanced back.

"Why are you all looking at me?" He wanted to know, frowning.

"Your stories didn't get that many bad reviews." Sara remarked.

"I still got some, though!" Dib protested. "Besides, that's not a good enough reason to think I did it!"

"But you're always complaining about ZIM'S stories really furiously and being all pissy." Said Zita.

"Why would I leave an anonymous review complaining about his stories when I've always been open about the fact I hate him?" Dib inquired. "I'm gonna all of a sudden decide after years of complaining about him to hide my complaining behind a mask because…why?" He wanted to know. "Furthermore, all of the "pig shit" reviews are advertising someone ELSE'S stories, not mine! That's not my account he linked! And I'm not even interested at all in those ninja stories or those silly Moon Sailor tales, look at the ones I favorited or left signed reviews on, none of them are in those fandoms. I'm not interested in them, so why would I leave any kind of review, even a raging, hateful one on them? Wouldn't I leave one on something I actually care about enough to get angry or furious over?"

"Yeaaaah, but there's a LOT of hatred in these reviews, and you're the only one in class who gets THAT mad about Zim stories." Gretchen confessed. "It does look kinda bad."

"But whenever I complained about Zim's stories, it was because they were so mean and cruel and misanthropic and Zim was just getting away with being a jerk! I laid out all my points well. And I sure didn't just write in all caps and with bad grammar!" Dib added. "You can't just assume I did it!"

But the kids murmured and muttered amongst themselves as Dib frowned, turning away, Zim sniggering at his misfortune. "Yeah, real funny, Zim. Real funny."

The rumor spread through the school. Poor Dib kept getting really insulting messages left for him on all of his work. Even when none of it even MENTIONED Zim, he got the horrible reviews, accusing him of being a troll, of being "Pig Shit".

"Look at this!" He told the guidance counselor, Mr. Thildari….before he remembered the man with soft white hair and a soft yet dark voice was literally blind and couldn't see it. He wore a white long-sleeve shirt and white pants and sat next to Dib on bean bag chairs in the nice "safe space" he'd set up in his office.

"Could you read it aloud?" The man softly inquired.

"Yeah…sure." Dib sighed. "Heh-hem. "you bash stories all time about Zim, tbh and you bully authors here. you are just as bad as any villain you're bitching about so get the fuck over yoself you preachy hypocrite. if i see more writers quit their storys because you a sneaky, evil person karma will come for you. i hope you believe in Jesus because yo gnna need him and the good Lord to save your sorry ass from going to hell".

"My, my, how very rude of them."

"It gets worse. Some garbled nonsense here too. "nvkdfjsl:Derpin pig shittin h*** humpin nards suckin pan!" And THEN there's " You big fat white nasty smelling fat b*** why you took me off the m*** schedule with your trifling dirty white racist a** you big fat b*** oompa loompa body a** b*** I'm coming outside and I'm going to beat the f*** out of you b***". I mean really?! Oompa Loompa body?! Racist?! Where's all this coming from? And then this guy calls me the q word! What is WRONG with these people?!"

"There has to be some way to stop it." Mr. Thildari remarked softly.

"I don't know HOW. How am I supposed to convince them it isn't me?" Dib groaned, burying his face in his hands as Mr. Thildari gently stroked over his back, and quietly sighed. "What could possibly be good enough for them?"

"I wish I could tell you." The guidance counselor told him. "All I can do is promise you, I'll be here to talk to you. To be as a shoulder to cry on."

"I'm glad you're so good at it." Dib confessed softly as he wiped his eyes on his sleeve, sniffling a bit, trying to fight back tears. "People don't realize how…how fuckin' SHITTY it is. It's this daily grind, waking up every day to see nothing but shit flung at you just for having an opinion they don't like, for trying to make the world a better place, for trying to hold people accountable for the awful things they say and do."

"Well Dib, remember, Zim has the right to write stories, even if you think they're awful or dark or cruel."

"Yeah…sure. Doesn't mean I don't get to complain about them!" Dib muttered. "Everyone forgets that. They just want to be free to post anything up with no critique. But this? This isn't critique I'm getting, this isn't like me pointing out character inconsistencies or how meanspirited a story feels, this is just bashing, this is just trolling, this is just swears and vulgar crap and yelling. That's not free speech, that's like…HATE speech. So what am I gonna do…" He murmured, burying his face in his hands. "…what am I gonna do…"

…what indeed.

Author's Note: Every single review you see from "Pig Shit" and quoted by Dib is literally word for word either what I've received, or what I've been accused of writing. And Dib's views are my own. And that's all I will say for now.

[magic-and-moonlit-wings]

Chapter 34: Making Arguments

This didn’t get posted last week because it didn’t match the theme of my April Fools’ Day prank. Thank you for your patience!

Content warning for this chapter: the ‘farming humans as food’ concept is discussed and Changeling!Jim doesn’t quite get why the humans are horrified.

Becoming The Mask

Nomura had successfully avoided Barbara for the entire class. She hadn't been partnered with her, or even made eye contact. Now she just had to get to her car and she would be in the clear for another week.

"Zelda!"

Curse how the human had longer legs than Nomura did in this form!

"Can I talk to you?"

"Can I stop you?"

Jim leapt over a spinning blade as it erupted from the floor, and used it as a shield from the fire jets, giving him a moment to catch his breath before the floor began to tilt and he had to run again.

He was surprised to realize he'd missed training in the Hero's Forge during his week away from Trollmarket. The Forge was like a friendly rival. It didn't actively wish him harm, not having a conscious mind, but it would utterly crush him if he didn't put his all into one-upping it.

He put on an extra burst of speed to cross the path of a pendulum-axe … but not fast enough to compensate for the tilting floor. The axe clipped his calf. Jim cried out and fell on his stomach.

Barely, he grabbed a floor groove and pulled himself up and forward, so his legs were out of the axe's path on the backswing. Jim climbed to the top edge of the floor section he clung to, and slid down it to the Forge's centre.

"Master Jim!"

The arena rumbled. The training equipment returned to starting positions. Toby and Darci weren't standing alone – Claire and Mary had rejoined them, and Blinky and AAARRRGGHH were at the Forge's controls.

Jim stretched his arms and flexed his hands as he walked over. He should start doing chin-ups or handstands or something. Despite Coach Lawrence's rope drills, Jim wasn't used to suddenly having his full body weight on his hands. If you did the rope drill right, a lot of your body weight was on your legs.

"You're limping," said Blinky. "Let me see your leg."

"I don't think it's cut, I think it's just bruised from impact force."

Jim vanished the armour from the knee down on his aching leg. Blinky practically pulled it out from under Jim. Jim reeled forward and AAARRRGGHH caught him.

"Also, I'm pretty sure this is a yoga pose." Jim stuck out his arms like he was playing airplane. Toby snickered.

"You are correct that your leg isn't cut." Blinky poked and prodded at Jim's calf muscle. "Hard to tell just what condition it's in, through this material, but it doesn't seem severe enough to require that you disrobe for a more thorough examination.”

Blinky released Jim's leg and AAARRRGGHH tipped him back upright, giving Jim a gentle one-fingered tap on the top of his head as though to make sure he was properly balanced.

(Jim held down an impulse to rub his forehead against AAARRRGGHH's hand. That would be … weird. Like hugging Mr Strickler in public.)

"I thought the armour was an all-or-nothing deal," said Darci.

"No, it adjusts. I've been experimenting." Jim reconjured his leg armour and closed the helmet's faceplate. "Amazingly, I can see through this."

Reluctantly, Nomura let herself be dragged off to a coffee shop. She picked at a scone while Barbara poured out her problems, clumsily avoiding any direct mention of trolls or Changelings.

"I feel like I'm seeing things more clearly now, after talking with Walt. He explained a lot about … mmm, cultural differences. History. What I might expect from Jim, going forward. But I don't want to just base all my judgement on one source, so I wanted to talk to you, as well …"

"As fascinating as the Amulet's properties are, we have other matters to discuss. Claire has updated AAARRRGGHH and myself on certain … recent developments."

"She spilled the beans on Not Enrique," said Mary. Jim glared.

"His name is Enrique until he says otherwise. More than one person can have the same name."

Claire made a noise not unlike a growl. "He already took my brother's life, he doesn't get to keep his name, too!"

"Claire, what the heck?" said Darci. "This was not the plan!"

"Plan?" repeated AAARRRGGHH.

"We were gonna play it cool and encourage Jimbo to bring the Changeling thing up," explained Toby, "so we'd know he really had told you, like he said, and you guys weren't going to arrest him or something for it."

Blinky, standing between the rest of the group and the Forge's main entrance, stretched out his lower arms like a barrier, patting the air in a quick 'keep it down' gesture with his upper hands.

"Trollmarket at large has not been informed. It would be in Master Jim's best interests for it to stay that way." He frowned at Jim. "You arranged for Claire's younger brother to be replaced?"

"Don't sound so disappointed. This was months ago, back when I still worked for Gunmar. You hadn't even met Claire yet. Also, technically all I did was make a suggestion. I don't actually have the authority to decide who gets swapped."

"Oh – question!" Darci half-raised her hand. "If we weren't friends yet, why did you, you know … 'suggest' Enrique, specifically?"

"Mrs Nuñez is active in local politics and it's always useful to have an eye on the inside." Jim grimaced. "Sorry, that's the, ah, Changeling reason, I guess. We might not've been friends, but," he gave Claire a hopeful look, "we were at least friendly. We've done projects together, we got along. You talked about your brother so much, I thought you'd be happy he was off the menu when the Gumm-Gumms invaded and ate everyone."

"How would I possibly have known that?" She had backed up to the weapons rack but not reached for anything yet.

"Okay, that part I didn't really start thinking about until after we were friends," Jim admitted. "I had a few arguments prepped for how you'd be more useful kept alive, too, but I didn't get a chance to present them before I changed sides, so that's not relevant anymore."

"What arguments?" asked Mary.

Jim froze. He'd been exaggerating – he'd really only come up with one argument.

"I thought you guys could be … useful … for something I found out wasn't going to happen anyways. So it doesn't matter."

AAARRRGGHH must've caught on, because he stepped back, looking stricken.

"You can't just say something like that and expect us to drop it," said Claire. She had her hands on a spear now. Her back was to it, and her grip was more like she was holding a guardrail than clutching a weapon. That could change quickly.

"Well, it turns out Gunmar's primary goal is to permanently blot out the sun, which is self-defeating because then all the surface life the Gumm-Gumms want to be free to hunt is going to die off, so farming humans wouldn't work out, and –"

Jim hoped to jabber out some long string of something to bury 'farming humans' in the middle of a ramble. He didn't speak fast enough. They all gasped.

"You thought," said Claire, "I'd be grateful, that you stole my baby brother, so he wouldn't get eaten by trolls, and were keeping me alive, to have more babies, who would get eaten by trolls?"

In the interests of sustaining a genetically diverse breeding stock, they probably wouldn't all get eaten, Jim had the sense not to say.

"That," said Darci, "is literally one of the most horrific scenarios I could possibly think of."

Mary looked green. Toby was shaking his head, an expression of disgust growing on his face.

"I know I'll regret asking this but I'm not gonna be able to stop thinking about it if I don't," said Toby. He swallowed. "What about your mom?"

"All these years of secrets and sneaking around, and I want to believe he means well, and I want to understand where he's coming from, but I still get so angry thinking about it …" Barbara stirred her coffee with a biscotti. It had been in her drink for so long it was probably mush below the waterline. "What do you think I should do?"

"… Personally? I think you should let Jim come home, and go about your life pretending you never found out about any of this."

Really, what was the woman expecting from her? Nomura didn't remember volunteering to be the human's confidante.

Barbara sighed heavily and got up.

"Well, thanks for letting me vent."

"Mom's a doctor. She'd be totally useful alive."

"That's … that's messed up, dude. What made you think she'd even go along with that? I mean, what's to stop her just mercy-killing everyone?"

"Bribery," said Jim simply. "I'd go back to living as a troll full-time, and Mom could have Jay-Jay back to reward her compliance and as a hostage for future good behaviour. Which would also extend her life, because if she taught Jay-Jay medicine apprentice-style, then once she got too old to practice, he could take over, but she'd still be kept alive as his reward-slash-hostage."

"I am incredibly creeped out by how proud you sound of that plan."

"Well, I know now that it wouldn't have worked out," said Jim defensively, "but it felt totally reasonable when I came up with it." Back when he'd thought Gunmar had considered the practical concerns of running the world after taking over.

There was a rumbling noise. The Soothscryer rose and glowed.

Because of course the Ghost Council couldn't have called him in three minutes ago and let him avoid most of that conversation.

The last thing Blinky said to Jim, before Jim went into the Void, was, "This conversation is not over."

The first thing Kanjigar said to Jim, the second time Jim was in the Void, was, "I did not say that."

"Didn't say what?" Jim rubbed his head. The abrupt shift in location and topic of discussion left him with whiplash.

A vision floated in the air beside them, of Jim talking to Draal after the Trollhunter's first summoning by the Soothscryer. In the vision, Jim was claiming Kanjigar had instructed him to tell Draal that Kanjigar loved and was proud of his son, and how sorry he was for pushing Draal away.

"I did not say that," said Kanjigar sternly.

"Yeah, well, you should have. Because maybe if you'd said that to Draal while you were still alive, he wouldn't have been so damn desperate to inherit the stupid death-sentence amulet, because he'd know you valued him just as much as you valued being the Trollhunter. Forgive me for trying to give your son closure after he found out I could go chat with his dad's ghost and he wasn't invited."

"I wanted to keep Draal as far away from the amulet as possible! You have only encouraged him to endanger himself!"

"By refusing to sideline a skilled and powerful warrior for sentimental reasons?"

"You dragged my son into your fight with Bular –"

"I don't know what fight you were watching, but I did not drag Draal anywhere. He had at least two chances to run after the fight started."

"And thanks to Draal, Bular is dead." The eyes of the past Trollhunters' bodies sometimes lit up when they spoke. Deya the Deliverer, on the highest pedestal in the Forge, had her eyes glowing. "The Changelings have a point about the efficiency of fighting with backup."

"Thank you." Jim nodded to her.

"This is not why we called you here," said another Trollhunter; one who looked like Kanjigar, but had died in a fighting stance, sword in hand.

"We told you before;" this speaker had long, wavy horns that stuck out to the side, like Vendel's; "if you wish to protect your human friends, you will need to kill Bular, and Gunmar."

The wispy lights began circling Jim.

"You have defeated the son, but not the father."

"But there's no way to kill Gunmar."

"He's invincible."

"No, he's not!"

"So far as we know," the previous voice clarified.

"What do you know?"

"He may have started a cult around himself, but he's not a god," said Jim fiercely – and blasphemously, having being raised in that cult. "And besides, tons of myths involve gods being killed."

"Legend has it that Merlin found a way," said Deya. "If he did, he never told his Champions. I suggest you talk to your mentors."

Barbara knocked on the door to the Domzalski house. After a minute, she tried the doorbell. She hoped Nancy was home, and had her hearing aids on.

A cat came out as soon as the door opened wide enough. It wound itself around Barbara's ankles.

"Barbara, dear!" said Nancy warmly. "What a nice surprise."

"Hi, Nancy. Can we talk?"

"Of course. Come in. Is this about how Jimmy's been staying here for the past week? I was starting to wonder if you were out of town and I'd forgotten."

Previous Chapter (Claire tells Blinky she knows Jim’s a Changeling)

Table of Contents

Next Chapter (Jim and Strickler find out the human kids know Strickler’s a Changeling)

[nanowrimo]

Harry Potter Word Crawl: Year One

For those of you who have never taken a dip into the NaNoWriMo forums, here’s a little taste of what you’re missing! Today, we’re bringing you a Harry Potter-themed word crawl, slightly modified from the original created by NaNoWriMo participant “my little bird”. Can you navigate your first year at Hogwarts and boost your Camp NaNoWriMo word count?

You receive your Hogwarts letter by owl and are completely ecstatic to head out for your first year at Hogwarts. Sprint to 100 words to let out your excitement and energy.

Part 1: Diagon Alley

You arrive in Diagon Alley and your first stop is Gringotts, wizard bank. Write for ten minutes. The amount of words you write will determine how many Galleons are in your vault.

Less than 150 words: 1 Galleon 150-300 words: 2 Galleons More than 300 words: 3 Galleons

You step into Ollivander’s wand shop. What kind of wand will choose you? Roll a die and multiply your roll by 100. Sprint to that many words.

100-200 words: Your wand has a core of unicorn hair. 300-400 words: Your wand has a core of dragon heartstring. 500-600 words: Your wand has a core of phoenix feather.

Finally, you’re done shopping! But before you leave, you decide that you want to purchase a pet. Write for 15 minutes as you search for the perfect animal for you. Pick one: owl, cat, or toad. (Bonus galleon for putting that creature in your novel somewhere!)

Part 2: Hogwarts Express

After months of waiting, you’ve arrived on platform 9 ¾ and boarded the Hogwarts Express! Write to the nearest thousand as you settle into your seat and get ready for a long ride. If you need to write more than 500 words for this challenge and choose not to skip this round, take one Galleon. If you skip a round during Part 2, pay 1 Galleon.

Anything off the trolley, dear? Buy some sweets to help get you through the ride! Depending on your candy, find your challenge below!

Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans: Participate in a Fifty Headed Hydra (a.k.a. an attempt to write 500 words in 5 minutes) as you frantically try to get the taste of earwax out of your mouth. Chocolate Frog: Write for five minutes as you chase down the frog. Licorice Wand: Sprint to 150 words. Pumpkin Pasties: Roll a die and multiply by 50. Write that many words.

Part 3: The Sorting Hat

You arrive at the castle and wait in the hall with the rest of the first years. You notice a boy with messy black hair and glasses talking with a redheaded boy, a girl with bushy hair whispering to the people around her, and a boy with pale… well, everything. Write for ten minutes as you attempt to socialize with the people around you. If you skip a round during Part 3, pay 2 Galleons.

Professor McGonagall escorts you and your peers into the Great Hall for the Sorting. After the Sorting Hat sings its song and several students walk up timidly, your name is called, and you sit yourself down on the stool, worried about what is about to happen. McGonagall places the hat on your head, and you are sorted into your House. Pick from the four Houses—Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin.

Gryffindor: Are you brave enough to write ten times your typing speed in 10 minutes? Hufflepuff: Remain loyal to your word count and write steadily for 45 minutes with no breaks. Ravenclaw: Calculate how many words it will take for you to write to the nearest 1000, then write them to get there. Slytherin: You’re an ambitious one, aren’t you? Write 750 words in 30 minutes!

The feast is delicious! Do the Three Digit Challenge as you eat at your House table and talk with those around you, as well as your House ghost. If you are in Hufflepuff, you know your chambers are near the kitchen, so you may save room for later and skip this round for free.

Part 4: Life in the Castle

You’ve settled into your dormitory quite quickly and nicely, and your first couple weeks of class go well. Write for an hour as you grow accustomed to your new classes and all of the magic you’re learning. If you skip a round during Part 4, pay 3 Galleons.

If you write up to 750 words within the hour: Earn 2 Galleons. If you write between 750—1,250 words within the hour: Earn 3 Galleons. If you write over 1,250 words within the hour: Earn 4 Galleons.

On your way to Potions, the messy haired boy who you now know is Harry Potter stops and asks you if you know where Professor Binns’ classroom is. Write 200 words in 10 minutes as you try to remember where his classroom is.

If you succeed: Harry hurries to Binns’ classroom and gives you a Galleon as a thank you for your help. If you fail: You spend so much time trying to help Harry that you are both late to your next class. Write another 200 words as you apologize to Snape and try not to lose any points for your House. If you are in Slytherin, Snape likes you and lets you skip this round for free.

That night, you get locked out of your common room and Mrs. Norris finds you! You run with Harry, Ron, and Hermione to the third door corridor, and you find a giant three-headed dog! After making it back to your dormitory safely, roll a die, multiply your roll by 100, and write that many words as you try to calm down.

Troll! In the dungeon! You go with Harry and Ron to find Hermione and end up fighting the troll with them. Sprint to 250 words, and try not to get yourself killed. If you are in Gryffindor, you fight the troll bravely and may skip this round for free.

You go down to Hagrid’s hut to have tea with him. When you try his treacle fudge, your teeth get stuck together! Write for fifteen minutes as Hagrid tries to help and Madam Pomfrey magically loosens the cement-like effect the fudge had on your mouth.

Months pass, and it’s Christmas morning! You receive 3 Galleons from your parents, as well as a challenge from the Weasley twins. Write 1000 words in under an hour.

If you succeed: They give you a Galleon. If you fail: They hit you with snowballs until you’re buried under heavy amounts of snow and make you write 250 more words.

During the Gryffindor vs Slytherin Quidditch game, you get incredibly excited. Roll a die. If even, you’re cheering for Gryffindor; if odd, you’re cheering for Slytherin. Word war for fifteen minutes with someone cheering for the opposite team. If you beat them, you win your bet, and you take 2 of their Galleons. But be careful—if you lose, you give them 2 of your Galleons. A bet’s a bet.

Part 5: Through the Trapdoor

Harry tells you that he suspects that Snape is going after the Philosopher’s Stone and you decide to go with the trio to try to get to the Stone before Snape does. But before you can even go down the trapdoor, you need to make it past Fluffy. Write for ten minutes as you lull him to sleep sneak through the door. If you are in Ravenclaw, you know exactly how to keep Fluffy asleep and may skip this round for free. If you skip a round during Part 5, pay 4 Galleons.

Oh no—you and your friends are trapped in a patch of Devil’s Snare! Hermione tells you that you need to write 300 words in five minutes in order to safely escape.

If you succeed: You make it out of the deadly plant without a scratch and even spot a Galleon on the ground. What luck! If you fail: Hermione has to set the plant on fire to get you out alive. She thinks very poorly of your skills now, so write another 300 words to impress her.

Harry catches a flying key and opens a large wooden door. Inside the next room is a giant wizard chess set. You and your friends need to replace some of the pieces and play the game. Ron takes the place of a knight, Harry becomes a bishop, and Hermione takes over for a rook. Pick a chess piece and complete the challenge below! Keep in mind that you are not allowed to skip this round even if you have enough Galleons to do so.

Pawn: You know you won’t be of much use to the game and think it would be wisest to be taken out early. Complete a Fifty Headed Hydra and take a fifteen minute writing break to recover from your injuries. Rook: You take the place of the other rook and spend the game running across the board, strategically taking out important pieces of the other side’s team. Sprint to 200 and take a five minute writing break once the game is won. Bishop: You take the place of the other bishop and sneakily take out pawns on the other team. Write for 20 minutes and take a five minute writing break once the game is won. Knight: You take the place of the other knight and become the wild card of the match. Write 300 words in 15 minutes until you’re taken out by one of the other team’s rooks. Take a fifteen minute writing break to recover from your injuries.

Harry and Hermione move ahead into the next room while you stay with Ron. When Hermione comes back, sprint to 500 words as you run to find Dumbledore and explain the situation to him.

The word gets out that Professor Quirrell is the one who wanted the stone, not Snape! Rumors also spread of your bravery in helping Harry, Ron, and Hermione as you four went through the challenges the professors set to protect the stone. Dumbledore awards you fifty points for your courage. Write for five minutes as your peers congratulate and admire you.

Summer vacation is here! Take an hour-long writing break—you deserve it!

This word sprint originally appeared in the Extreme Harry Potter Crawl: Year One forum by NaNoWriMo user “my little bird”. For more writing games, check out our Word Wars, Prompts, and Crawls forum.

[sohannabarberaesque]

Herewith, what you might call a Hanna-Barbera Hobby Lobby

(As in such specimens of hobbies that certain Hanna-Barbera characters could be imagined dabbling in, by and large, with inspiration from the radio and TV series "Hobby Lobby," as featured the more interesting and unusual hobbies of interesting people.)

Ruff and Reddy: Repairing and restoring old Cushman motor scooters and collecting Cushman brochures, sales literature and suchlike

Yogi Bear: Twiddling around the shortwave radio dial, using a kite antenna from his cave

Pixie and Dixie: Cheese-and-crackers parties, especially where the likes of Carr's Table Water or Stoned Wheat Thins come into the equation

Augie Doggie and Doggie Daddy: Taking stock of the simple pleasures in life, in particular trying out magazine-ad receipts from the 1930's to the mid-1960's that some would see as kitschy

Top Cat and crew: Old-school New York-style delicatessen, in particular such dominated by chewy Jewish-style rye bread, hot corned beef/pastrami/Swiss sandwiches, Genoa-style salamis and otherwise obscure groceries unlikely to be had at Walmart or Ralph's

Ricochet Rabbit and Droop-Along Coyote: Roasting their own green coffee beans in a hand-crank drum roaster over a blazing fire

Granny Sweets: Collecting glass bakeware such as Pyrex, Fire King and CorningWare

Peter Potamus: Collecting and sharing Polynesian lore and legend of especially an erotic sort ... as well as SCUBA and freediving

Penelope Pitstop: Compounding and extracting her very own essential oils for homemade cologne and toilet water

Snorky (as per The Banana Splits): Playing theater organs and listening to theater-organ music

Groove (as per the Cattanooga Cats): Barbecue (and even fixing his own barbecue sauce)

Bristlehound: Just taking a lazy afternoon off fishing

Velma Dinkley (as per Scooby-Doo): Collecting and looking for esoteric pulp mystery and detective fiction from the 1930's to the 1960's, as well as listening to Old-Time Radio detective fiction

Norville "Shaggy" Rogers (again per Scooby-Doo): Vegetarian cooking

The Entire Hair Bear Bunch: Cheesy Indian cuisine (curries and butter chicken in particular) and bodysurfing

Mr. Chan "himself": Collecting Chinese firecracker labels, matchboxes and Chinese product packaging tending to the kitschy

Gilly (as per Goober and the Ghost Chasers): Developing infrared photographic effects in the darkroom

Satchel (as per Skatebirds): Out-of-the-way seafood grottoes such as are rare along the Southern California coast, and somehow have a certain air of the kitschy among them

The Entire of the CB Bears: Planked fish, especially on cedar and alderwood ... and especially when they've caught the fish themselves

Yukka-Yukka (as per Heyyy, It's The King!): Collecting classic examples of practical jokes at their finest, such as joy buzzers, whoopee cushions, chattering teeth, fake vomit and cigarette loads

Sheena (again, as per Heyyy, It's The King!): Jogging for fitness

Undercover Elephant and Loudmouse: Nut brittles (especially peanut and cashew), coconut cashew crunch and even fixing their own nut butters (cashew, almond and mixed-nut especially)

The Bungle Brothers: Collecting vaudeville-related ephemera, in particular showbills and jokebooks (some, mind you, with content now seen as Politically Incorrect)

Kwicky Koala: Cooking with Vegemite and Copha (the last one being solid coconut oil)

Crazy Claws: Just taking stock of the scene along The Broadway in Downtown Wisconsin Dells, particularly while sipping on bottled water with Crystal Light mixed in

Pixlee Trollsom (as per Trollkins): Researching introllesting and esotrollic examples of Troll lore, legend and custom, partiularly while being in a closeness to Nature such as through kayaking, backpacking, camping and diving underwater

[tumblunni]

I JUST REALIZED WHO THIS GUY’S JAPANESE VOICE REMINDS ME OF

Friggin Muchigoro from the sixth One Piece movie! The random half fish half plant probably some human in there somewhere dude who has a pet giant death goldfish and is generally the cutest man on earth

AND THEN THAT MOVIE INCREDIBLY TRAUMATIZED ME

Seriously i still cannot believe this movie even EXISTS, its such a bizarre form of..like..trolling you into accidentally watching a really good movie??? Posters and preproduction material and the art style and the actual name of the thing = “oh its a cute adventure about everyone playing goofy carnival games on carnival island im sure this villain Baron Carnival will absolutely not jumpscare me with something such as for example a sympathetic comic relief goldfish friend remembering that he’s already dead and reliving the process of drowning again while on dry land and you the viewer have to watch every second of it”

SERIOUSLY FUCKIN HELL I STILL MOURN YOU, MUCHIGORO

This film actually turned out to be a FUCKIN AMAZING lovecraftian horror thing where the Fun And Innocent Carnival Games slowly manipulate our heroes into bickering amoungst each other and pick them off one by one with just the excuse of ‘oh he totally abandoned you he wasnt really your friend after all’ (MEANWHILE THE ADORABLE REINDEER MASCOT IS GASPING FOR AIR AS HE’S PINCUSHIONED BY ARROWS IN THE BACKGROUND)

And then fuckin.. super fancy cute mr baron carnival man is actually sacrificing everyone who loses his carnival games to a fuckin terrifying evil spirit of the forest who’s fused to the flesh of his shoulder and whispering dark thoughts into his very bloodstream. And you get to see a fucked up abomination of twisted human flesh fused into a plant stem while our cute happy-go-lucky protagonist cries out that he has no reason to live now his friends are dead and its like WHAT THE ACTUAL JESUS FUCK IS HAPPENING

Oh and at the same time its SURPRISINGLY DEEP and evil carnival dude has a really sympathetic reason behind it all. You see, EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ISLAND IS DEAD! once upon a time he really was just a goofy cute carnival themed pirate dude with a big ol family of funny buddies. And then they all DIED HORRIBLY and this forbidden hellbeast made a pact with him to ressurect them if he murdered other people in return. Yes, everyone having adorable lil flowers and leafs on their head was DARK FORESHADOWING ALL ALONG

So that gets us back around to this super memorable goddamn character! Poor muchigoro!! he’s just a funny doofus who loves his pet fishie and also apparantly his boss. Like he’s really loyal and hero-worshippy to baron festival mc evilplanman, and baron festival mc evilplanman looks so goddamn GENUINELY FORLORN every damn second theyre together. There’s so many foreshadows where this dude is like ‘ha ha isnt every day wonderful when we’re together, im so happy you all enjoy these funny carnival games i made for you to all never be sad ever again’. *looks like he’s fuckin dying inside* jesus christ seriously are we really doing a plot about a suicidal man who lost everyone he ever loved and now he locks himself up with these fake illusions of what they used to be like, struggling with the fact he knows its wrong to kill others to sustain their life but he loves them so much he just cant stop himself AND WHO SAW THIS COMING FROM GODDAMN GOLDFISH HUGS BEANMAN

So yeah GOLDFISH HUGS BEANMAN is your first mega scarring moment hinting at the dark plot. He almost accidentally tells the heroes about whats going on, since he doesnt actually know he’s dead and ends up stumbling into a gap in his memory. And then the Ominous Forest Sentience just fuckin.. revokes his life permissions. Dude drops dead for getting too close to knowing the truth. Incredibly graphically. And then even worse is that he just reappears again later on, back in comic relief mode and apparantly unable to remember anything. He’s all “haha boss thats so weird i fell asleep on the job! I’m totally fine now tho!” and boss dude is like *bittersweet look* “i’m so glad i cant bear to see you without a smile on your face” *casually glances over the fact he just fuckin fed a guy’s soul to the dessicated corpse of his best friend and he just got back up”

And theres loads of equally depressing stuff with all the other equally adorable buddies!! There’s the ring toss attraction with a trio of adorable tiny elderly folks in funny frog costumes, this weird ice hockey/cooking competition combo game with a big scary buff dude who has a soft spot for bunny hair clips, and A LITERAL TEN YEAR OLD CHILD WHO WAS ALSO AMOUNGST THE DEAD

Oh goddd, Gappa is the one that traumatized me second much next to Muchigoro. He’s a cute kid in a goofy DJ costume but also he seems to be the one whose sense of self has most been eroded by becoming a soul-eating hellbeast? He’s introduced adorably trying to steal the hat of one of the protagonists cos he wants to be all cool fashion, and then suddenly out of nowhere his eyes go red and he murders the dude for saying no. And this wasnt even under orders from the boss dude or anything, boss dude just turns up to find the poor kid still staring off into space like he doesnt know what happened. He fuckin ate a dude’s soul and crushed the skull of his friend who tried to avenge him, and was pincushioned by a bunch of swords and just casually pulled them out of his ribcage. So he’s just sitting there disassociating the fuck out! “What did i just do, why did i do that, why did he cut me and i dont bleed?” And boss guy holds him and comforts him and tells him obvious lies about how he’s..just a very strong kid. He’s just such a great fighter that he totally must have dodged all that guy’s attacks. Don’t worry. And its such a brief scene but you get the sense that this must have happened a million times, the kid keeps accidentally ‘breaking’ people and getting close to realizing he’s a walking corpse and because of his father figure trying to shield him from the realization its just fucking up his mental state even more and he’s become the perfect host for the fuckin EVIL NIGHTMARE FOREST GOD THING

Anyway eventually we get to the final confrontation involving every one of our heroes being soul-nommed except one, and he’s barely able to drag his arrow-riddled body across the battlefield to keep on fighting. And the last you see of all the comic relief corpse dudes is them being confused why they feel so sleepy, and dropping to the floor one by one. You get the sense this whole thing is really fuckin desperate, the boss dude must have been running out of people to feed to the horrifying corpse machine and he’s had to deal with his friends slowly dying around him. And there’s this really messed up moment where all the heroes getting soul-nabbed is presented as a HAPPY MOMENT for the cute comic relief guys. You see them all come back to life and be like ‘yay another perfect day at perfect carnival island with all our very non dead friends!’ And then when the hero finally wins and saves everyone, its punctuated by a depressing note of all the funny dudes simultaneously vanishing into dust forever. leaving behind nothing but a bunch of plants growing out of a pile of empty clothes. Like the scariest damn part is how its left ambiguous whether the creepy ass forest god was even really capable of ressurecting the dead or if it was just puppeting a bunch of dolls and imitating what this man remembers of his dead friends. though the fact they were able to act on their own free will and almost mess up the plan sometimes would imply there’s at least some level of the original person still left there. but still theres also the whole freaky scene of Murder Child Does Not Remember Murdering All These People so..yeah. Horrifying ambiguity.

And then it just ends with poor boss carnival dude looking at his bloodstained hands desperately trying to hold together the dead corpse of this god that promised to keep his friends alive. He fuckin HOLDS INTESTINES IN HIS HANDS WHILE SOBBING! And what super extra sucks is that they dont give him any sort of resolution of getting to move on and atone now he’s free of that thing’s control. He just desperately tries to backstab the hero at the last moment cos he’s just so lost in grief for his friends, and thus ends up dying. And the last you see of him is him floating in the void while he hears the sound of the shipwreck that killed his friends so long ago, and fuckin CUTE VOICE OF FUNNYMAN MUCHIGORO welcomes him to the goddamn afterlife. While crying that he wishes his boss was able to move on without him and live a little longer instead.

END

CUE HAPPY CREDITS MUSIC

CUE EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE CRYING FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS

i am sobbing into my keyboard just remembering this, seriously i dont even fuckin LIKE One Piece yet im somehow a giant fan of this one singular filler arc written by some other author. WHERE IS MY ENTIRE DAMN HUNDRED EPISODE ANIME ABOUT THIS PLOTLINE?? it has fuckin NOTHING to do with One Piece either, you coulda replaced the protagonists with the protagonists of any other anime and it woulda worked just as well. Its just like fuckin... Happy Anime Dudes Take A Brief Vacation To An Entirely Different Story About Horror Murder. like i know One Piece does have its own sad and deep stories sometimes but not EXISTENTIAL HORROR OF GOLDFISH FRIENDO

I NEVER EXPECTED TO BE TRAUMATIZED BY THIS ADORABLE BEAN BOY

rip muchigoro

...anyway i suppose i might be subconciously drawn to characters who have anything in common with him cos of the sheer PLEASE UNDO THE HELL YOU INFLICTED UPON THIS FUNNYMANS factor.

also I guess Mr Movien is kinda like his character design upside down. big head mode vs tiny head mode: FIGHT!!!

in conclusion i wish i had not remembered the tears of this

[go-diane-winchester]

There is still hope

Some hellers are finally waking up to Misha's lies and trolling.  Of course, they are still blaming the show for queer baiting them, but that might have to do with Misha's double meanings, and his inability to just tell the truth because lies come easier to Mr Collins.  When he gave his latest lecture on destiel, many fans went the queer baiting route, however some fans felt Misha held some responsibility.  You don't say.  Maybe because they are maturing and realizing that this man is duping them.  Of course, they didn't full on accuse him, because he is still their ''smol bean''.

Well, they still cant fully admit that Misha trolled them, but they will, once the show is over and destiel is still not canon.  Either that or they will grow up quickly, recognize what manipulator Misha actually is, and take him to task for it. 

[mythsnfairytales-blog]

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jack. He lived with his mother in a cottage on the outskirts of a kingdom, right between the town and the outlying farmland. The kingdom was going through a period of drought: everyone was starving, and Jack and his mother were no exception. One morning, his mother said to him, “Jack, we are going to starve. You must take the cow into the village and sell her for what you can get. We will live on what she sells for a few weeks and then we will die.”

So Jack took the cow and headed down the path to the village. On his way, he met a hobbling old man who carried a little handkerchief. Inside the handkerchief, the old man said, were four magic beans, and he offered to trade Jack the beans for the cow. Jack saw that this was the most he would get for the dried-up, starving cow and gratefully accepted. When he got home, however, his mother was less than pleased and grabbing his ear with one hand, threw the beans out the window with the other. “How could you!?” she cried. “We were supposed to live for another few weeks, but now you will go to bed with no supper tonight, because we have no food to make a supper with!” And at that, Jack went to his bed, tired out from his walk and his empty stomach.

The next morning when Jack woke up in the early light, he found a great plant had grown up where his mother had thrown the beans. All the way up to the sky it reached, and further even than that. It was taller than the tallest skyscraper in our world.

Well, Jack knew he had not long to live and decided that there is no moment like the present, so he started making his way up the vine. “Maybe I’ve already died,” he thought, “and now I’m climbing up to heaven.”

But eventually he found himself at the top, and the beanstalk supported a great castle – a castle larger than the biggest prison in our world. It was a castle made for giants.

Jack went inside and was in awe of all the magnificent things he saw there: sparkling gold, glistening jewels, gorgeous velvet, and exotic spices. Most of the things were far too large for a normal-sized man like Jack, but some were people-sized, and these he picked up and fingered: some were softly embroidered, others were prickly-plated, and still others glassy smooth. He breathed deeply and there wafted a most heavenly scent upon the air. Jack could have stayed in that castle forever; he was beginning to lose himself in the radiance of it all when he was suddenly startled by something far more beautiful. Through the door at the other end of the room emerged a lovely girl of normal, person-sized height. She was adorned in a dusty apron, carried a dirty broom, and her hair curled around her forehead in sweaty, frazzled wisps. But nothing could dim the vibrant, fresh beauty in her face or the stately way that she held herself erect.

She started when she saw Jack and dropped her broom. “What are you doing here?” she cried in alarm.

“I did not mean to startle you, miss. I found a giant beanstalk and climbed it to find myself in this beautiful place.”

“This place is not beautiful at all,” exclaimed the girl. “I know it glistens and dazzles, but it is all false finery that covers the den of a troll. My master eats any man that he can find, and he will eat you if he smells you here. You must leave immediately.”

As you might have guessed, Jack was instantly head-over-heels in love with this beautiful girl, and because of this, her concern did not fill him with proper caution; instead, since he had a dreamy nature, he was grateful for her concern, and he saw her through stars and galaxies, shining in the glow of the stained-glass window draping its light upon her.

“My name’s Jack.”

“Please, Jack,” she begged, “please leave.”

“If I leave,” he said, “you must come with me for I will not leave you to live with a man-eating troll.”

“I cannot go,” she started to tell him, but then Jack, who really was starving to death, suddenly fainted.

When Jack awoke, he was lying on cold stone beside a ginormous fire with a cold cloth on his forehead. The smell of hot soup wafted to him from a bowl at his side.

“You should really eat,” came the voice of the girl, and he turned to see her standing on top of a giant wooden countertop cutting up vegetables. “You look like you’re starving.”

Jack ate without another word, practically swallowing the entire bowl in one gulp. He was that hungry.

“Thank you.” He started to climb up the leg of the counter-top.

“No!” cried the girl. “I was telling you earlier, I can’t leave but you must!”

“Why can’t you leave?”

“I am the princess of the kingdom below.”

“Princess Miranda?”

“Yes. I was kidnapped three years ago and forced to cook and clean for the giant. I have a spell on me, and if I try to escape, this whole castle will fall down upon the kingdom and kill everyone.” Jack had reached the top of the counter, and she handed him an apple. “Now you must go. It is almost his lunchtime and he will be down shortly. Then he will eat you and I will have to watch.”

Jack’s heart leapt at her concern. “There must be a way to break the spell?” he asked.

“So long as he has his magic items, he will have power over me.”

“What are his magic items?”

The princess pointed to the corner of the kitchen. “His magic golden eggs and magic golden harp give him all his spells.”

Suddenly the entire room shook, and Jack fell against the wooden counter-top. The princess, who was more used to it, just wobbled a bit.

“Quick!” she cried. “We are too late, he is coming! You must hide.”

She slid down the leg of the counter, and he followed her, then she grabbed his hand and raced to a cupboard. Jack was too overcome by her touch to do anything but completely obey her. She pushed him inside, and before he realized what had happened, she had sliced his hand with a knife.

“Ah!” he cried, pulling away.

“No time!” she cried and taking his hand, dripped his blood into a bowl. “Wait until he is eating then leave through that door. Go down your beanstalk and never come back here again.” Then she shut him up into complete darkness except for a small sliver of light between the cracks.

He saw the princess take the blood that she had drawn from his smarting hand and pour it into the giant’s bowl of soup. If he had not been so completely in love, Jack might have shuddered at the fact that he himself had just eaten that soup.

“FEE, FIE, FOE, FUM!”

The room shook and the pottery on the shelves clinked and rattled. “I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!” The ground quaked as the largest man you have ever seen rumbled into the room. Jack peered through the sliver of a crack and bounced up and down with each heavy footfall. The giant turned his head so that he could see the hugeness of his face, the wideness of his shoulders, and the fierceness of his eyes. Then he did shudder. No, he quaked; and not from the vibrations of the giant’s steps.

“Do you, sir? That’s just a little something special I put together for you. I managed to bargain it off Mrs. Dungbury of Gigantic St.”

“AH! YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE!” The giant sat down at the large table and started eating like a mad animal, pouring soup in his mouth before even having time to swallow.

Then Jack took his chance. He leapt out of the cupboard, and the giant was so busy with his soup that he noticed nothing else. The princess watched him anxiously, but Jack did not head straight for the door like she had told him; he jumped up onto the table in the corner, where the golden eggs and harp were laid out in all their glory. The princess in fear shook her head at him, but he ignored her and picked up the eggs one by one (there were three of them, and each was very heavy). Then he reached for the harp, but it was magical, and played music whenever anyone touched her, so now she began to play herself, and at hearing the sound, the dinner table shook as the giant lifted up his mighty head.

“WHY DOES MY BEAUTIFUL HARP PLAY MUSIC?” he asked the princess.

Jack rabbited and raced across the kitchen floor for the door to freedom, but he still clutched the golden eggs to his chest.

“I do believe she just wants to make your dining experience more enjoyable, sir,” said the princess, and sighed with relief when she saw that Jack was safely out of the room.

Jack climbed down the beanstalk as quick as he could. When he got to the bottom, he found his mother waiting for him.

“And where have you been all morning? Do you expect me to starve to death alone?!” She stood before him with arms crossed over her chest in her strictest manner, but he could see how thin her cheeks really were.

“Mother, look!” he cried, holding out the eggs that he had wrapped in his shirt.

“Oh, my!!” she cried out and threw her hands high into the air in astonishment.

They sold the eggs and got enough money from them to live on for the next ten years.

But Jack could not forget the Princess Miranda, so the very next morning, he got up earlier than the sun and started climbing the beanstalk again. As soon as he entered the palace, he headed for the kitchen to find her.

“Princess!” he cried, when he saw the lovely girl at the giant fireplace. She was standing on an iron ladder to reach a huge, boiling stew pot and using a great spoon to stir it. Her face was flushed and her arms straining, but her back was strong and she looked more beautiful than ever.

“Jack!” she yelled at him, “you’ve come back! But why? You must have sold those golden eggs and are no longer starving. You’ll get eaten!”

[dansphlevels]

The Subject Series

  This fic was written for her @phandomreversebang with artist @corgi-lester. You can find the art here. This fic has been in the works for a long time but I really like it and I hope you will too!

Summary: Tensions have been rising in Phil’s hometown at the rise in gun violence and string of robberies. However, Phil has bigger things to worry about me, like his newest art assignment to paint a series of portraits showing the true character of a person you know. Phil has his subject, the only problem is, he doesn’t actually know Dan, though he’s more than willing to rememdy that. 

Length: 8k

Highschool!phan au with artist!Phil and newkid!Dan, including the growth of a friendship, Phil being a little stalker-y, and Dan not understanding the concept of stranger danger. Was heavily inspired by my Drabble series ‘Artists’ and recent events involving gun violence. 

“I want to do five paintings, all different sized canvases that link together.”

 Mr. Hebbs shook his head. “Phil, this isn’t that complex an assignment. You only have to do three, and canvases aren’t required.”

 “It’s fine, I get a discount on them at my job,” Phil insisted. “And I like to paint at home.”

 “But Phil—” Mr. Hebbs saw the look Phil was giving him and changed direction. “You have other classes, I don’t want-”

 “I really appreciate everything you do,” Phil reassured with his teacher-pleasing smile. “How about I let you know if it’s too much? Then I’ll go down to only painting three canvases.” Mr. Hebbs started saying something else, but Phil quickly cut him off with a “You’re the best! I’ll see you in class!”

 Phil was already halfway out of the door when Mr. Hebbs called out, “But Phil! Who is going to be your subject!”

 “I’ll figure it out!”

———

 The beginning of the semester was not something to be excited about. You could be the best student in school, but you still wouldn’t cheer about it if someone held a gun up to your head.

 Phil was right in the middle of the spectrum. He definitely didn’t hate school, but the end of winter break meant less free time for art and more brain power having to be spent on things like trigonometry and physiology.

He spent most of Trig staring at the other students in the class. For the art project, he had to find a subject to paint a few times, but no one in his classes stuck out to him.

 As Mr. Goinstein lectured, Phil felt his hands fidget almost on their own merit, scribbling out a design on his travel-sized sketchbook. It ending up being the teacher, with his hairline receding almost as far back as in real life, his suit cheap looking but well pressed. Phil wondered if his hair had gotten greyer in the past few weeks.

 Phil jolted when he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” a voice whispered, “do you have a pencil?”

 Phil turned around to double check that he wasn’t hearing things— he sat at the back of the class for a reason, how dare someone move to be further back than him— except no one had moved. The boy sitting before him- or rather, behind him— wasn’t a regular face in the class.

 Phil would know. He’d drawn every face in the class; or attempted to, at least.

 The boy was looking at him expectantly, and his mind snapped back in to focus. “I don’t have a pencil,” Phil replied. The boy looked down to his hand, where he was holding a 2H pencil. “This is special. I can’t— I might have a pen?”

 Phil wanted to frame the slightly wonderstruck expression the boy gave him. With his face a little warmer than it had been before, he dug through his backpack and found a pen, giving it to the new kid.

 Phil looked back at his doodles. Would it be creepy if—. Before he could finish the thought, his pencil was back on paper, sketching out an oval with two lines intersecting it. He marked the eyes, then the nose, adjusted the chin, and added the hair. Before he knew it, he’d drawn the boy sitting behind him.

 If the boy was a troll.

 Phil flipped to the next page, trying again only this time with more space. The problem with drawing faces an inch high was that in real life, they were notably bigger, which meant that details were lost in the drawing. Sometimes the faces turned out fine. And sometimes they turned out looking like the person had just crawled out from underneath a bridge offering to grant your fondest wish in return for your first born child.

 Phil scribbled out another face, this one closer to scale. It was more accurate. This time, the boy looked like he’d ran into a brick wall. He didn’t look ugly, per say, just… flat.

 Phil turned to the next page, drew out another oval to act as his guide, and then turned around, looking at the boy while pretending to be looking at the clock. He was very convincing, too. However, there was no clock on the wall.

 But the boy was new, he didn’t have to know that.

 By the end of class, Phil had made four different drawings of him, all of them barely recognizable. The last one was more accurate, though it still wasn’t quite there.

 Phil closed his notebook as the bell rang, sighing as someone taped his shoulder. “Here’s your pen back.”

 Phil took it, and took the opportunity to look at the boys face again, trying to find where his features lines up with his guidelines. “You’re new, right?”

 “Um, yeah.” When he smiled, little dimples formed on the sides of his cheeks. “I transferred from AHS. I’m Dan.”

 “I’m Phil. Could I take a picture of you?”

 “Um, what?”

 “I’m in Photography,” Phil quickly lied, the muscles in his face hurting from the effort of smiling. “We just needed to take a picture of someone for a warm up.”

 “Oh, I’m in Photography too!” Phil tried not to let his panic show through. “And sure, I guess. As long as it’s not for a big project or anything, I don’t really want to see my face framed in the middle of the hallway or anything.”

 Phil smiled, grabbing his phone and clicking the video button. “Don’t worry about it.”

 He kept the video recording for just long enough to catch Dan’s dimple on camera before turning off his phone and stuffing it in his bag.

———

 Dan’s nose was practically perfect. It was very proportionate to his face. The problem Phil had been running into, Phil later found out, was his eyes. Dan’s eyes were more almond shaped, with discreet eyelids. Phil had been emphasizing his eyelids too much.

 That night, in his room, Phil played the video over an over, screenshotting it at the best moments. Then he pulled out a piece of drawing paper and sketched out his face, this time with a reference picture, and kept erasing and adding to it until it was clear who the subject was.

 The paper still felt too empty, so Phil sketched in some flowers around his head. He got his blending stump and darkened his cheeks, making it look like he was lightly blushing. “Yes, very kawaii,” Phil muttered.

 That would be his project. And Dan would be his subject.

 Though he’d have to get Dan to agree to it first. Because unlike Photography warm ups, this project would actually be hung up in the school hallway.

———

 “Hey Dan!” Phil called out, jogging up next to Dan in the hallway. He turned around, smiling a little uncomfortably.

 “Hey...”

 “Phil,” Phil reminded him.

 “Right, I knew that. Hey Phil.”

 Phil would do one of the paintings with Dan laying in coffee beans. He would still do the flower one, but each painting would have a different background, Phil decided, all very soft, aesthetic things. Dan seemed very soft and aesthetic, even though he was wearing all black. Phil bet he ran a pastel tumblr blog.

 Dan turned to head towards one of his classes, and Phil kept in tow with him, even though his class was on the other side of the school. “So, I was wondering. We have this project—”

 “In Photography?” Dan finished. “The rule of thirds thing?”

 “Um, no. In ADAPA-”

 “What?”

 “It’s, um, Advanced Art Design and Presentation but the letters are in the wrong order because AADP doesn’t roll of the tongue that easily. I’m doing this subject series, where I paint a person a few times. It’s very low key, and I was just wondering if I could paint you.”

 Dan stopped in front of one of the English classes, giving Phil a weird look. “Why?”

 “I dunno. Why not?”

 Dan considered this. “Wouldn’t that be weird? You, just… painting like, two pictures of me?”

 Phil didn’t correct him. “Nah, it’s pretty normal. Everyone in ADAPA is doing this project, so you won’t be the only subject or anything.”

 Dan hesitated, squeezing the strap of his backpack.

 “I’ll just need to take a few pictures of you. And I’ll pay you fifteen pounds,” he added.

 Dan glanced into the classroom, still hesitating. “Only if you let me take a picture of you for the photography project,” he conceded, “and help me with the camera. They wouldn’t let me in the Beginning Photography class because I’m a senior, so I kinda lied about my skills. And since you’re in Photography too…” he trailed off, looking hopeful.

 “Sure, no problem.” Phil hadn’t touched a camera since 6th grade. “Here, let me give you my phone number so we can set it up.”

 “Great.” Dan’s cheeks were the same shade as they’d been in Phil’s drawing, only Phil’s drawing was in black and white. In real life, Dan was in full, vivid color.

———————-

 “Are you okay?” Phil asked with a comforting smile, leading Dan up the stairs to his room. “You look kind of pale.”

 Dan ran a hand through his curly mocha hair— it was mocha, Phil had decided— following him up the stairs. “I’m fine. I walked past the bakery on Main and it was closed. Do you think anything happened?”

 Phil shrugged, leading him into his room. His dirty laundry was kicked into a corner by his bed, which was little more than a cheap box frame and small mattress. Most of the room was taken up by his art supplies, paint splattered tarp spread out underneath his desk and two easels. Notebooks and canvases sat in piles along the wall, some blank, others completely filled, mostly with paint.

 “Wow,” Dan commented as he looked around. “You're a very convincing artist.”

 Phil laughed. “What else would I be? Do I look like a sportsman to you?”

 Dan looked him up and down, biting his lip. “No. But the tarps do suggest you may be a serial killer.”

 “Well, I'm not. Unless you consider killing trees as being a serial killer. With all the supplies and paper I use, I'm probably one of the leading causes of deforestation.”

 Dan snorted. “Nice.”

 Phil found his phone, waving it triumphantly. “Got it. Let's go take some pictures?”

 “Sure.”

 “Come on. The basement has really good lighting.” Phil lead him downstairs, the silence getting awkward quickly. “What was that you were saying earlier? About… the cake shop on Main?”

“The bakery. It was closed. Do you think it could have been the same thing that happened with the funeral home?”

 Phil sighed. “I hope not. I hated it enough the first time.”

 “Right? I hope the police find whoever is doing it and lock them up for life. I don’t care if Mrs. Roes will recover, it’s not fucking okay.”

 Phil glanced back at Dan who was following him tensely, his arms crossed. “You good?”

 “‘M fine. It’s just frustrating, it’s like, what are we supposed to do about it, you know?”

 Phil knew what he meant, he did. But he was more focused on the way Dan’s features curled when he was frustrated, the way his eyes changed with intensity. Dan looked angry and helpless at the same time and it was so contradictory, Phil had to do one of the paintings with this expression. He’d paint it so Dan was surrounded by blooming flowers and scowling like they did something to personally offend him.

———

 Phil didn’t make a habit of lying, but he found himself lying to Dan almost as often as he told him the truth. Dan sat down on the couch and Phil adjusted his phone lense until it was just right, then pressed the record button.

 “Let me know when you’re taking a picture,” Dan requested, squeezing his hands.

 Phil nodded. “Three, two, one…” He twitched his thumb, pretending to touch the screen. Dan smiled falsely, holding it for a few moments then breaking it.

 “So natural,” Phil commented from behind the camera. “Hey Dan, what do you call fake spaghetti?”

 “I don’t know, what?”

 “An im-pasta.”

 Dan laughed, smiling widely enough for both of his cheek dimples to be on full display, and Phil knew he was going to be screenshotting that later.

 “That’s horrible. Phil, what’s the difference between a snow-man and a snow-woman?” Dan waited a second for dramatic effect before answering: “Snowballs.”

 It was Phil’s turn to crack up, the phone shaking in his grip.

 “Hey, just take the pictures without telling me,” Dan decided. “Otherwise it’ll feel too fake.”

 “Okay, I’ll do that. Why did the farmer win an award?” Pause. “Because he was outstanding in his field.”

———

 “You certainly don’t waste your time,” Mr. Hebbs commented, peering over Phil’s shoulder. “Who’s that?”

 “He’s a new student,” Phil replied without looking up from his work. He was just adding the final touches to Dan’s painted face, carefully adding a highlight. “He’s in one of your photography classes.”

 “Oh. I suppose I’m just not used to seeing him with the flowers.” Mr. Hebbs scratched his jaw, thinking. “I would make sure to highlight the glabella,” he suggested after a moment.

 “The… what?”

 “The glabella. Right… here,” he said pointing to the space in between the painting’s eyebrows, careful not to touch it.

 Phil dabbed his brush back in the paint, adding some of it to the area Mr. Hebbs had been referring to.

 “How long are you planning on staying?”

 Phil glanced at the clock on the wall. It was already 2:50 and school got out at 3. “How long are you going to be here? I won’t need too much more time.”

 “I need to leave at the bell, but you can stay as long as you clean up, and turn off the lights and lock the door when your done. If anyone asks where I am—”

 “—I’ll just say you’re in the bathroom,” Phil finished, smiling down at his painting. “As per usual.”

 “Perfect.” The art teacher looked at the painting again, tilting his head to the side. “I’d add more lowlights to the hair too.”

 “Can do.”

———

 It happened again. Sometime that afternoon, a man had broken into the garden store a few blocks away from Phil’s neighborhood, brandishing a small handheld gun and demanding the cashier on duty give him everything in the till. The cashier went to get the code for the safe— apparently he wasn’t a very smart cashier— and the shooter opened fire. The gun only had a few rounds in it, but it was enough to shatter the front windows and stun the cashier.

Phil saw the destroyed storefront as he biked home from school, his completed painted sticking out of his book bag. The next morning, he listened as his mum read to him the article in their local paper describing the events.

 “‘We recommend all small shops in the downtown area invest in panic buttons and try to have more than one person on staff whenever possible. And, until this situation is under control, we ask that all students avoid walking or biking through town on the way home from school.’ Sorry Philly, it sounds like you’re going to have to find a new way home.”

 Phil slouched, cupping his cooling coffee in his hands. “Do I have to? We don’t know if they’re going to rob another shop.”

 “They’ve got a gun,” Kath reminded him. “And there’s already been four incidents now.”

 “They may not have all been the same person!” Phil argued, but it was futile. Kath shook her head.

 “I’m sorry, but it’s just not safe.”

———

Phil was wheeling his bike out from the rack when a familiar voice called out his name. He looked up and was met with an even more familiar face- one he’d studied and recreated a few times over various types of papers and a canvas.

 “Phil!” Dan called out again, jogging over, smiling widely.

 “Hey!” Phil called back when Dan got closer. “What’s up?”

 “Absolutely nothing,” Dan said easily, “Do you want to hang out? I’m biking home too.”

 Phil smiled back. “Sure! I have work soon-ish, but I can hang out until then.”

 “Nice.” Dan pulled out one of the bikes a few away from Phil, walking it around the rack. “Where do you work?”

 “Hobby Lobby. It’s not very exciting, but I do get a pretty good discount on art stuff.”

 “And you get money for art stuff,” Dan added. “I thought only professional artists used real canvases, aren’t they like, super expensive?”

 “To someone getting paid minimum wage? Yes. But they’re not that bad.” Phil mounted his bicycle, buckling his helmet on under his chin. Dan got on his own bike, except was missing something vital.

 “No helmet?”

 “I’m not seven,” he teased. “No offense.”

 “None taken. Because unlike you, I’m not going to crack my head open on the concrete and die before I can even graduate secondary school.”

 An image flashed before Phil’s eyes of Dan laying on the pavement with a perfect stream of blood coming down from his temple. For a moment, he really wanted to paint it, before he realized that was probably not the appropriate reaction. He shook the thought away.

 “Ooh, fighting words,” Dan teased as they carefully pedaled away from the school. “Do you wanna race?”

 The image flashed before Phil’s eyes again, except this time Dan was smiling, his lip bloodied. Imagination-Dan winked at him.

 “You’re on,” Phil responded to Real Life Dan, the one that had just challenged him to a race. “After this street, we race until we get to the park, deal?”

“Deal.”

 As soon as they crossed the street, Dan took off, speeding down the way. Phil pushed harder, pounding at the pedals until he was almost in line with Dan. Dan glanced behind him, and upon seeing Phil, laughed, pushing to go even faster.

 “Slow down! Let me— let me pass!”

 Dan let his feet up from the pedals, the wheels still spinning at about 200 rotations a minute as he thundered down the street. Phil kept pushing until he was side by side with Dan, the park within view.

 Then Dan’s feet hit the pedals again and it was all over.

———

 Phil arranged the canvases in the way they’d be set up once he was done. They were all slightly different sizes and lined up perfectly with about two centimeters between each one, so they ended up as a large square shaped collage. Only one was done so far, the one with the flowers. It had Dan with his head slightly tilted, looking off to the side with his lips pressed closed. Dan’s skin ended up a little paler than it was in real life, with his cheeks and lips a little extra pink to complement the flowers. His hair was softer looking than real life, the individual hairs not emphasized. All in all, he looked more like a porcelain doll than Phil had intended, but he wasn’t one to complain.

 Phil typed up the card for it:

Phil Lester Subject Series: Ethereal (adj): extremely delicate and light in a way that seems too perfect for this world.

 One down, four to go.

———

 Phil waited for most of the students to leave the classroom, looking out for one in particular. But soon no one else really seemed to be leaving, so Phil shuffled over to the door, peeking in carefully like he was doing something he could get in trouble for. In reality, the only person he could actually get in trouble with was Mr. Hebbs, for leaving his independent study early to walk to the other side of the school. Except Mr. Hebbs didn’t care about things like that, so really, Phil’s caution was very unnecessary.

 A few people remained in the class, putting away props or talking in small groups. Phil scanned it until he saw the familiar black shirt and brown hair. He hadn’t ever draw Dan from this perspective before- well actually, he’d really only drawn his portrait. Phil could do one where Dan’s arms were crossed in front and his back was bare. Backs were so cool to draw.

 But that might look like Phil was looking for an excuse to draw Dan shirtless, which was not a normal friend thing to do, so he scrapped the idea.

 (That was a lie. He actually put it in the ‘Work In Progress’ folder in his brain.)

 The group Dan was talking to dispersed, and he looked down at his phone, completely oblivious to Phil creeping up behind him.

 “Rah!”

 Dan stumbled forwards, fumbling with his phone. When he met Phil’s gaze, his eyes were wide. “Phi-il!”

 Phil stuck out his tongue as he laughed. “You voice just went up, like, two octaves!”

 Dan brushed off his pants dramatically, not smiling, but not quite scowling either. “What do you want, pleb, now that you almost made me piss myself.”

 Phil was still smiling. “You biking home? We could go together, you could come over if you want. It’s a lot more boring biking now that I have to go the long way around town.”

 “I should shun you for scaring me like that. Alas, you still owe me fifteen pounds, so I shall wait until I’ve been paid to shun you.”

 “Fifteen pounds?”

 Dan smiled. “For modeling for you,” he said sweetly, pushing his curly fringe out of his face flirtatiously.

 “So you’re not just doing that out of the goodness of your heart?” Phil joked.

 “The goodness of my heart?” Dan scoffed. “Nonsense! I’ll have you know, Lester, that my heart is made out of pure coal.”

 “Right. So, are you biking with me or not?”

 “It depends. Do you have the money?”

 “At home,” Phil promised, then cringed. “This feels dirty. Like you’re my drug dealer or something.”

 “Daniel?” The teacher called out from behind her desk. “Are you leaving now?” A quick scan around confirmed that besides the teacher, they were the only ones left in the class.

 “Oh, yes, sorry!” Dan rushed over to grab his backpack and he and Phil sped-walked out of the class. When Phil looked at Dan next, his cheeks were the same color as the tulips Kath liked to keep on their kitchen table, or #15 in his acrylic set. “Oops.”

———

 They rode their bikes back to Phil’s house, then played video games there until Dan had to go home. He said a polite hello to Kath on his way out, and gave Phil a little wave goodbye.

 “Who was that?” Kath asked after Dan had left.

 Phil smiled casually. “That’s Dan, he’s a new student at school. I’m doing a painting project with him- well, of him.”  

 “Oh, what will it look like?”

 “A few different pictures of him with different backgrounds that represent him. It’ll be mostly really soft pastel things.”

 Kath looked back at the door even though Dan was long gone. “Huh. He didn’t really strike me as soft, especially with all that black.” Phil was about to argue when she cut him off. “But you’re the artist, do whatever you think would look best.”

———

 Phil had set up his phone when Dan had left to go to the bathroom. The video was only four minutes long, but it had some good moments in it. Phil had stationed his phone under the tv so it filmed their faces straight on. He paused it a few times, screenshotting, until he got to the perfect point.

 Phil stared at the image for a few moments. No. He couldn’t.

 The picture was of Dan biting the video game controller, his competitiveness getting the best of him. Originally, he’d bitten the controller as a way to make fun of Phil’s habit of doing just that when the game got too stressful, but before long he was doing it without realizing it. The shot was very, very real, very candid, very original. It was also not pastel.

 Oh well. Surely, Phil could put some sort of spin on it so it’d fit his theme. He wanted these painting to really represent Dan’s personality, that soft side he’d seen earlier in the day when the teacher embarrassed him. The real Dan.

 He pulled out canvas number two and got ready to go to work.

———

 Another store was broken into, though this time the criminal left without stealing anything. Phil didn’t bother reading the full article, scanning for the important parts. He’d have to continue taking the long way home, and the small store owners downtown would have to continue spending their money on security that shouldn’t be needed instead of more important things. The identity of the shooter remained unknown.

 “I hate this,” Dan ranted, dumping out the dirty water with so much force that Phil almost felt the need to protect his canvas. “How dare they? I heard that it might be more than one person doing it, too.”

 “Like, a gang?”

 Dan scowled, shaking his head. “Worse. People saw one person doing it and getting away with it, plus getting a bunch of media coverage. It’s a low life’s dream.”

 “I heard there’s going to be a protest later,” Phil recalled. “A bunch of the business owners are marching down to the police station and asking them why they aren’t doing more.”

 “Meanwhile, people are in the hospital, and the government hasn’t even mentioned it.” Dan sighed, rubbing his hands on his pants. “I don’t hate the government or anything, but they’re completely pointless if they’re idle. There are people out there with guns, literally shooting people and causing chaos, and our leaders are silent.”

———

 The second painting took longer to make. Phil wanted this one more realistic and it as harder to paint the way Dan was biting the controller.

 When it was done, he typed up the description on the document with the other one:

Phil Lester Subject Series: Zealous (adj.): having great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause or an objective.

———

 “We don’t think that there will be any attempted robberies on our store, armed or otherwise,” the balding manager explained. “However, it is important to go over procedures like these from time to time. If an armed robber enters the store and demands money, we ask that you are complacent. There is a panic button under each of the registers that you can press, which will alert the police station.”

 “Will an alarm sound?”

 The officer standing next to the manager adjusted her ponytail. “No. The panic button won’t set off any alarms or give you away.”

 Someone directly behind Phil spoke up, startling him slightly. “Has a panic button ever worked?”

 The officer smiled reassuringly. “They haven’t been used much in our city, but earlier this week one was pressed by mistake, so we are assured that they work just fine.”

 Phil’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he slipped it out, checking the screen.

 From: Dan  Do you wanna hang out Saturday?

 From: Phil  I thought you had work?

 From: Dan  Lol  I was fired

 From: Phil  Why???

 From: Dan  …  They didn’t like the way I dusted  We on for Saturday??

 From: Phil  Sure

———

 “It’s perfect. Phil, can you help me get the camera ready? I want to take your picture under the cherry blossom tree.”

 Phil made a face. It turned out Dan hadn’t just intended to make Phil pay him for his ‘modeling’, but planned to make Phil follow through with the entire deal. That meant Phil had to be the model for a change, so Dan could take pictures of him for his art project, in the advanced photography class Dan was underqualified for. And Phil had to help him use the camera, because, oh right, Phil had lied to him about being in a photography class too. Phil couldn’t even remember why he lied, but he did, and now he was eating his words.

 They went up to the tree and Dan inspected it with a critical gaze. Phil did too, but for a different reason. “No way this is a cherry blossom tree. Do those even grow here?”

 Dan shrugged, tilting his head to the side as he looked at the tree. “I don’t know what it is, but here it is. Can you stand by the trunk?”

 Phil stood by the trunk and Dan handed him the camera expectantly. Phil fiddled with it, pretending that he knew what he was doing, though he probably wasn’t very convincing, as it took him about three minutes to realize the reason nothing was showing up on the screen was because the lense cap was still on.

 After at least another ten minutes, they had the camera working and adjusted to the sunlight.

 “What was the assignment again?” Phil asked, getting progressively more nervous the more Dan fiddled with the camera.

 “Rule of thirds or something, idk. I’m pretty sure it’s just making sure you have three focal points, which I have. You, the tree trunk, and the flowers.”

 Phil shuffled uncomfortably. He may not have held a camera since sixth grade, but the rule of thirds was not exclusive to Photography. “I think you’re thinking about something else. The rule of thirds is where the subject of the art only takes up one third of the space.”

 Dan looked up from the camera, genuinely surprised. “Oh. I guess I’ll have to back up then.” He ducked under the drooping ribbons of pink flowers and Phil listened to his footsteps walks away, chewing on his lip nervously.

 “Should I come out, or—?”

 “No, that’s perfect! Move your feet together!”

 Phil did as he was told. He stood so his feet were almost together, with both of his hands hanging limply by his side. He tried to make a normal face, though he wasn’t sure how Dan could see him through the thick flowers.

 After a long minute, Dan exclaimed “Got it!”

 Phil happily ducked under the flowery branches, meeting Dan on the other side where he showed him the viewfinder of the camera. Phil blinked. “It’s…”

 “It’s cool, right? I feel so hipster and artsy.”

 “It’s cool,” Phil agreed, still taking it in. The picture didn’t have his face- in fact, it hardly had his torso at all. The picture showed the entirety of the blossom tree, framed on either sky with an intense blue sky, darker than normal as the sun just barely began to set. Underneath trees flowers were Phil’s legs with his hands on either side. “Yeah. I like it a lot.”

 Dan smiled widely, taking the camera back and flipping through the pictures. “Thanks! I’ll have to choose my favorite one and then edit it, which I don’t actually know how to do-”

 “Hey Dan?”

 “Hmm?”

 “Can I see the camera for a second?”

 Dan gave him a curious look but handed it over. Phil messed with it for a second before finding the off switch and putting it back in its case, carefully hiding in in his backpack he’d left on the grass.

 “Phil-”

 Phil looked up, giving Dan a small, almost sad smile. “Hey Dan?”

 Dan swallowed. “Yeah?”

 “You’re it!” Phil clumsily tapped Dan on the shoulder, sprinting past him.

 Dan was so shocked it took him a moment to react. “What! Lester!”

 Phil laughed, trying to run faster, but within moments Dan was gaining. “How are you so fast?! On a bike is one thing, but-” Phil cut himself off with an annoyed noise as Dan smacked him on the arm, turning and sprinting in the other direction. “Agh!”

 Dan’s laugh echoed as he ran away, Phil in hot pursuit. “You’ll never catch me! I am the jolteon of humans!”

 Phil cupped his hands around his mouth as he yelled “Nerd!”

 Dan turned, running along the edge of a small grassy hill. “Slowpoke!”

 Phil forced himself to run even faster, despite his aching lungs. He refused to lose to Dan again.

 He swiped at Dan, mumbling in annoyance when he missed. Dan cackled, turning his head to look back at Phil. He turned back and immediately stumbled, tripping and rolling. Phil tried to stop so quickly he ended up stumbling over the same rock and found himself toppling down the hill, the entire world becoming a blur of grass and sky. He’d seen photos that people had taken as then rolled down grassy hills like this one, and for the first time in a long time, he found the urge to get into photography again.

 He gave up trying to slow his descent and gave in, tucking his arms in to protect his face and letting his body speed up.

 There was the blue and there was the green, the green that was the true definition of ‘grassy green’ and Phil had never thought it was that nice of a color but it really was. Then there was the slight dizziness, and the unmistakable sound of Dan laughing, and Phil found himself not minding the downhill lull anymore.

 He slowed to a stop as the hill flattened out. One more half roll and he was face to face with Dan, laying on the soft ground with grass in his hair, trying to hide his wide smile with his hands.

 Phil didn’t even try to hide his smile, rolling over a little and tapping Dan lightly. “You’re it.”

———

 The painting showed Dan with grass in his hair, grinning from ear to ear as the bright blue sky blurred behind him.

Celeste (adj): belonging or relating to heaven.

———

 Phil pushed the door open hesitantly, looking around. As soon as they heard the door open, a large woman hurried over to the sandwich counter. “Hi, how can I help you?”

 Dan followed Phil in, both still looking around. “Um, hi, are you open?”

 “We are. Though we haven’t been getting much traffic lately.”

 “Since the shootings,” Dan translated grimly.

 She nodded solemnly. “Unfortunately. But the sandwiches are as good as ever, what can I get for you?”

 They ordered, paying individually then going to table to eat their sandwiches. “I’m getting closer to finishing the paintings,” Phil announced. “The theme I was going for was kind of lost, but I think it will still be fine. What’d… the Photography teacher say about the cherry blossom picture?”

 Dan had just taken a huge bite of his sandwich right before Phil asked him, and he made a face, trying to swallow it but failing to. “She liked it,” he answered when he’d gotten most of it down. He wiped his mouth, swallowing again. “She wants to hang it in one of the hallways for the rest of the semester.”

 Phil choked on his sandwich. “Actually?”

 Dan smirked. “Literally all you can see of you is your legs and hands. And it’s a good picture, you shouldn’t be self conscious.”

 “But still… I don’t know how I feel about my picture being in the hallway.”

 Dan leaned on his elbow, smiling at Phil a little too sweetly. “Mr. Hebbs was setting up the folding panels to display your classes latest project on. Which I believe is the Subject Series, with my face in literally every single painting of yours.”

 “Oh.”

 “It’s fine. You can hang up my pictures if I can hang up yours.”

 “Deal.”

 They talked for a little longer until they finished their sandwiches and brought the wrappers to the trash. The woman from earlier came over, wiping down the table. “Thanks,” Phil said. “The sandwiches were great.”

 “I’m glad you liked them!”

 “Do you mind if we hang out here for a while?” Dan asked, looking around. Besides the sandwich counter, there were a few rows of shelves with different fancy looking foods stacked on it.

 “Go for it, I’ll just be cleaning up back here but if you need anything, let me know! My name’s Bertha.”

 They looked around for a while. There was a shelf full of fancy olives that they looked at, making fun of the names and trying to make bad innuendos with some of them.

 “Extra stuffed. Mmm.”

 Phil shoved him gently, smiling. “What about this one? ‘Chopped red’.”

 Dan shivered, “it sounds like a murder scene.”

 “Did I show you that thing?” Phil wondered aloud.

 “‘That thing?’”

 “The… goose thing? Here, I’ll show you.” Phil pulled up the article on his phone, handing it over to Dan who began to read it quietly. It was so quiet that when the door opened, they both heard it clearly.

 Loud footsteps and then the sound of something being dropped on the counter. “Anyone there?” A gruff male voice said.

 “I’ll be right there!” Bertha replied, hurrying over. “What can I-” she stopped mid sentence.

 Phil peered through the wire shelves, trying to see what was happening. There was another row of shelves between them and the other customer, making it difficult, and even when Phil managed to see through them, it took a moment to process. He’d seen guns on tv, and he’d seen bigger guns carried by police in other countries, but it was the first one he’d ever seen in England. It was so small, so unassuming, but still it made Bertha’s smile drop and the color from her face drain. He gestured towards his bag and she opened the cash register, slowly moving the money into his bag. There wasn’t much there.

 Phil tapped Dan urgently, covering his mouth for a second when Dan opened it to say something. He pointed to what was happening, and watched as Dan went from confusion to shock to something else.

 The man turned around, walking over to the shelves where they were hidden. Phil gestured for them to crouch. That was what you were always supposed to do, you were supposed to crouch, make yourself smaller, do your best to hide. Escape if you could, but if that wasn’t an option, then learn to breathe a little quieter.

 And Dan, poor Dan. Poor pastel-souled, gentle Dan, with his soft curls and brushed pink cheeks. He stared at the man through the shelves intensely, not even blinking. He held his phone so tightly his knuckles were white.

 The man was less than a meter from them. Phil squeezed his eyes shut, staying perfectly still as the steps got closer. A small gun and an even smaller bullet and just like that, it would all be over.

 But the bullet didn’t come. Phil opened his eyes and immediately caught onto the dirty jeans on the other side of the shelf. He hadn’t seen them.

 Dan nudged him, making intense eye contact and holding a finger in front of his own mouth, then he stood. Phil tried to pull him back down, but Dan just carefully stepped away, knowing Phil wouldn’t dare make a noise at a time like this.

 “That’s all there is,” Bertha announced in a monotone. The man turned around quickly and for a moment Dan was frozen. Then he kept moving, walking slowly to the side of the shelves.

 “You think I’m fucking stupid? Where’s the rest?”

 “There isn’t any—”

 The man pointed the gun straight through the shelf, right at her. “I know how these businesses work. There’s always a safe.”

 Bertha was a statue. “There isn’t a safe. Or if there is, I don’t know where it is, I’m new—” the man cocked the gun and Bertha became more desperate. “Honest! I have money, I’ll get you that, but there isn’t—”

 “Get me your money. All of it. Then we’ll take a look around and see if we can find the safe, and you’d better hope we can.” He brought the gun back down, but didn’t put it away.

 Phil didn’t dare turn around, but he could feel Dan standing next to him, as still as a statue. The man turned around, picking something up off of the shelf, and that’s when Dan made his move.

 He walked forwards quickly, raising his phone in his hand and slamming it down on the man’s head. He stumbled forwards, more annoyed than hurt, and Dan jumped on his back, wrapping an arm around his throat. Then it was all a blur- the man yelled out, Bertha was calling 999, the man lifted the gun, Phil stood up, Dan grabbed a can of extra stuffed and broke it over his head. The gun went off, another broken jar of olives to the man’s face, there was a fight and it didn’t seem anyone was winning and then they toppled into the first metal shelf and five dozen jars of fancy sandwich toppings rained down on them, followed by the shelf. They fell to the ground, crushed under the heavy shelf. Then Dan was free and the man was almost free, but Dan had an aluminum can of something in his shaking hands that he brought down on the man’s head with a “Fuck! You!”

 Then there was the police and Dan was in handcuffs and the man was unconscious and Phil was still just standing there.

———

 Phil had finished all five of the paintings.

 They were completed, all with their printed out labels. The hallway was quiet as Phil carefully hung them on the folding platform, arranged just as he’d planned from the beginning. There was the Ethereal painting with soft, porcelain Dan; the zealous painting with Dan gnawing on the gaming control; and the celestial painting, with a smiling Dan laying at the bottom of that hill with grass in his mocha curls.

 Then there were the two other paintings, the newer ones. The fourth painting was a side profile of Dan with shadows covering half of his face. The side of his face that could be see was deathly intense, a somber anger that Phil had failed to identify that day in the sub shop. That painting was tilted Undaunted (adj): not intimidated or discouraged by difficulty, danger, or disappointment.

 The final painting was of Dan a week after the incident. They were walking along an empty school hallway after class had ended. Dan was wearing a black hoodie, his hands in his pockets. He stood tall with a confidence that Phil supposed was always there, but he’d never really noticed. The painting was from the front perspective, with Dan smiling that smile he only really gave to Phil, his head tilted to the side.

 Dan had been walking beside him, maybe a little in front. He turned around, giving Phil that fond smile. “I feel like you have the wrong idea of me. Like, you think I’m this shy, timid person or something, or like I’m really innocent or soft or something.”

 Dan hadn’t gotten in trouble for attacking the man with the gun. He’d been told he should’ve avoided confrontation if possible, but he didn’t get in trouble with anyone besides his mom, who’d given him a ‘stern talking to’.

 Phil had wiped his hands on his shirt. “I don't think that,” he lied. Sometimes it seemed as though he only lied around Dan.

 “Okay. Just checking.”

 Phil adjusted the last canvas, the painting from that day.

 Enigmatic (adj): difficult to interpret or understand.

 He stepped back, admiring his work. It was the first time he’d seen them all together. Ethereal, zealous, celestial, undaunted, enigmatic. Soft, competitive, radiant, unyielding, mysterious.

 Mr. Hebbs came up beside him, admiring the work with a quiet appreciation. Phil crossed his arms, feeling the exhaustion from the last few weeks finally set it.

 “He looks so different in each one,” Mr. Hebbs commented quietly. “Which one is he really?”

 Phil looked at each painting again, individually. Soft, competitive, radiant, unyielding, mysterious.

 He sniffled. “I don’t know.”

  The End.

[ireviewuread]

Destress with Minigames at Plays.org

Remember the times where you’re in the school computer lab, playing minigames in secret as your teacher screams her lungs out in front? Those games are not only a great way to kill time but the multiplayer games allow you to bond with your classmates as well.

These days, it seemed like minigames like this does not exist anymore. The storylines are getting longer as the gameplays can last from hours to even months for some games. Although that means you don’t have to buy games that frequently, it also means that your gaming addiction would not be cured anytime soon.

Free Short Games at Plays.org

That’s where plays.org comes in to brighten your day in less than 15 minutes. With over a hundred games for you to choose from, plays.org offers short games of all categories for you to enjoy in a few minutes. The best part is, they’re all FREE.

No Downloads Required 

Aside from being F2P (Free to play), these games do not require any downloads. That means more free space for your computer. You can also play the games on the page you selected or as a standalone web app.

Available on Mobile

The games on plays.org are not desktop restricted. They are free to play on mobile as well. You would not get any lag or any coding issues when you play on a web browser on your phone. In fact, some of the games even allow full screen rotated playing.

This makes it perfect for destressing on the go when you’re waiting for the bus or your food.

Categories 

With various new games added daily, you can expect hundreds of games to choose from. That is where the categories section at the bottom of the page comes to play.

Plays.org have games from a variety of categories for you to choose from. Some of the categories include music, shooting and even Mr Bean. There are also 2-player games for you and your partner to enjoy while you both are in the same room. These 2-player games require both of you to share the same keyboard – an act that triggers the memories of your childhood.

Speaking of memories, does this catchphrase sound familiar to you: What’s up, Doc?

Retro Throwback

Does anyone remember the cross-dressing rabbit dancing to classical music? Yes, I’m talking about Bugs Bunny, the witty and sarcastic bunny that we all love.

Now we can watch him troll Elmer on our screens again. But here’s the catch, this time, we’re the bunny. Do you think you would be a better rabbit than the king himself? Well, you can find out in a series of Retro Throwback games.

An interesting thing that I noticed about the games on plays.org is you get fun facts like this below the games:

Who knew? Bugs Bunny was merely Elmer’s Pet Rabbit that infuriates him at that time. You can play Carrot Chase here.

LEGO City Adventures Build and Protect City Simulation Game 

One of my favourite games on the site has got to be LEGO City Adventures Build and Protect City Simulation Game. This game incorporates my love for building, designing and digging in one. All you have to do is dig up LEGO bricks, build LEGO buildings and collect the coins. After you’ve filled up one city, you move to the next and so on.

I like how there’s a mini guessing game in this city simulation game, allowing you to draw the LEGOs by chance. A gameception, I must say.

Such simple games are great for you to relax and not stress about the ‘perfect’ game progress that we want to achieve in our playthrough. A game where we finally play to relax and not to win it all.

Instructions Provided for Every Game

What I like about plays.org is how they not only include an easy-to-read point-form summary of the game but they also include the instructions at the bottom of every game. Aside from the instructions, there is also a section on the game controls.

Playing Games are Not That Bad

Although games could be addictive and ‘distractive’ to our daily lives, I feel that short games like these can also trigger the release of dopamine, without resulting in gaming addiction.

[having-a-hyperfixate]

Week 2, Day 7

Safety cut, line breaks where the original posts ended.

I’m sure the reveal of who the Ruinbringer’s leader is is going to end up destroying me somehow but I genuinely have no guesses right now. *finger guns* This’ll be fun.

I don’t know if there’s a point in trying to convince Motoi not to do something stupid. Like, I don’t know if I would be willing to trust him to take a 50/50 shot next week if we all work together this week. Also from a narrative standpoint there’s no way this is the last week so it’s a moot point but y’know. It’s the thought that counts.

Props to Shoka for not grovelling and going back to Shiba and co. … I think? Can I add her to the team tho. And is Minamimoto coming back. Cuz then the people on the cover would be the party and everything would make sense.

-----------------------

My brain, being an asshole while I’m at work: hey, what if Joshua is somehow the leader of the Ruinbringers for some bizarre reason.

Me: *very bad poker face* I cannot believe you’ve done this.

My brain is a troll and that wouldn’t make sense unless there was some serious bullshit afoot but like. If the leader isn’t someone we know, why haven’t we seen them yet? And they’re supposed to be crazy powerful. Aaaagh stupid rouge thought whyyyyyyyy.

I also managed to convince myself that it’s gonna be a twofer this week so yaaaaay….. I really wish I had been able to play day 7 last night. I’ve had way too much time to think and have random nonsense occur in my head.

-----------------------

Eeeeeeeh I have acquired Shoka!!

Oh god 5 inputs help.

I want to hug her. She’s so overwhelmed that we would even bother. :(

-----------------------

I really need to get better at these fights with Tiny. I think I understand how the tile flipping thing works now though. So that’s a plus. Barely survived that fight.

Demon Mr. Mew was harder this time. Not by much but by a little bit. Am I an idiot for not bring a healing pin? Yes. But it worked out so. >.>

*gulp*

I’m not ready for whatever curveball is about to happen. And we’ve already used Replay today. I am anxiety. >.<

-----------------------

WELL SHIT. SHE’S. TURNING INTO A NOISE. COOL.

I DO NOT HAVE A HEALING PIN EQUIPPED. I HAVE SOME REGRETS.

I totally didn’t go eat dinner what are you talking about.

Oh boy. Here goes.

-----------------------

Well that went better than expected. Only lost like 2/3 of my health. Those laser beams got nutty at the end. Her wings were so cool. Yes I am easily distracted.

I feel so bad for her… I’m pretty convinced she’s also a victim in all this. I want to help her.

Shiba’s here and about to pull some bullshit. “I’m not ready to end the fun just yet.” Oh fuck all the way off. I hope I get to destroy you later. You suck so much.

Tits, I think those are those weird glass Noise he just summoned. I have a problem. Hold up. REintroduce. I’m listening. I’m mad but I’m listening. OH YOU. YOU. AGHOIEHGPAIGHPIHSFSIJOIA MOTHER. MOTHERFUCKER. I. I HADN’T EVEN CONSIDERED THAT. AAAAGH. IT ALL MAKES SENSE. EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE. TINY’S APPARENTLY WIELDING TABOO. TSUGUMI BEING SOME KIND OF REAPER I GUESS??? WHY IT WAS THAT TEAM SPECIFICALLY. FUCKING HELL.

  Wow they really don’t give a shit about the rules.

I need to unpause the game but I’m literally just sitting here like

-----------------------

It makes sense that Shoka knew. Obviously. Beat figured it out when Tsugumi changed, which makes sense. He’s been around the block.

Oh NO Shoka no. Noooooo. That’s why she was so overwhelmed by them welcoming her. Because she was… She was going to betray us, and everyone was so willing to let her in. Oh no…

Well, we’re about to get that twofer, I think. It’s not going to be even remotely legitimate, not even on a technicality, but it’s going to happen.

Oh, Shoka. I wish you hadn’t listened to Ayano. That shit was classic manipulation. Fuck, they probably put out the hit on her purely so they could convince her to do this to ‘get back on their good side’.

God. Damn it. I don’t want to keep going.

-----------------------

OK. Okay… That. Was a lot.

There wasn’t a twofer, so that’s… something? *sigh* Oh Shoka, I really wish you had come to this decision before you spilled the beans about Rindo’s skill.

At least Kariya and Uzuki know now, so we can get the coup in motion. I would very much like to know why Shiba decided to destroy Shinjuku, but whatever. For now it’s enough that they know for sure and can start to do something.

I really want a massive, cross-plane, inter-faction effort to out these bastards. I also want to rip a few of them apart myself. And I thought I disliked Konishi… Turns out, I hate these guys a LOT more.

I never thought I would say this but

YES COCO. GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE WE GOT SHIT TO D- WHY IS. WHY IS MR MEW ALL. HELLO. WHY IS HE ABANDONED BY THE MOYAI AND ALL TATTERED?????????

RHYME (I assume) CALL IN THE CAVALRY. GET SHIKI. ERI IF SHE HAS BEEN INFORMED MIGHT ALSO BE GOOD. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WE GOT A CUT IN ITS DEFINITELY HER LOOK AT MY GIRL.

Oh we are getting the visions of the destruction again. That’s going to be a bad end that sticks in my brain for way too long I can already tell. It can live right up there with Beat getting fucking executed cuz uh. That is gonna haunt me for a while.

[sambashua]

11 questions tag~

i was tagged by @achuu-nice @s-lay-ing and @maetaamong for the 11 questions game where you answer 11 q’s then write 11 new q’s! a good time! (y’all this is 33 questions bear w me)

nom’s q’s

how are you? :D I’M GREATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT i hope you are too:D

sad ballads or happy upbeat songs? okay so like.. both so much.. but if i rlly had to choose i’d go for ballads bc i’m rlly a soft binch at heart (but red flavor will never not get me lit)

fave anime movie? maybe ponyo? or howl’s moving castle? i also really liked the girl who lept through time! (all credited to wonhankwan movie squad)

dogs or cats? bOTH i refuse to choose (but i got dos gatos)

do you keep stuffed animals in your room? no:( i have some on a shelf at my dad’s house tho? and i have mr. troll in my apt living room!

someone you miss? @atshinee :(

describe your phone case? iT’S GOT MOOMIN EATIN SOME CARROTS OR EGGS IT’S UP FOR DEBATE

favorite lore/myths? i’ve always been a percy jackson ho but i always thought persephone and that story was cool?? also the labyrinth 

eardbuds or headphones? earbuds bc headphones are real expensive

can I steal your heart? i actually don’t have one to steal bc you already took it nom:’(

favorite thing about your ult bias? uMMMMMMM prObABLy his smile♡ (i say smth different everytime but i feel like i neglect his visuals oops)

cloud’s q’s

Do you know a ksong by heart? (bc I don’t :x I can hum a trillion tho) haaaaaaa well i mean i can’t speak korean ofc but i can p much believably sing all of seventeen’s title tracks.. and i generally sing along to every song ever even if i don’t know it??? oH I LEARNED ALL THE WORDS TO IF IT IS YOU BY JUNG SEUNG HWAN BC I LOVE IT exhibit a b and  c for why!

When it comes to friendships, are you low or high maintenance? (As in your friends gotta talk everyday with you or you’ll feel like the friendship is dying OR if you can spend days without talking to them yet you still remain close) i like to think i’m a pretty low maintenance person! i’m easy-going by nature and i don’t mind silence at all and don’t even find it awkward usually. i have friends i don’t talk to for months on end and then we get together maybe once a year and we still remain close:) i like to think i’m easy to talk to so that could be part of it?

Do you have a secret that you will take to the grave? (Ofc I’m not asking you to reveal it)  ajhfdksl tbh i don’t think so??? i’m kind of a private person.. but if someone asked me smth specific i wouldn’t not tell them ? idk tho i used to be a bit of a pathological liar so~~~

Recommend me 5 songs (not necessarily kpop songs) i’ll rec some non kpop since i’m sure you would know anything i recced ajkdhfjdk

honey - kehlani

to build a home - the cinematic orchestra (aka chanhee’s all time favorite song which makes me really emo)

broken clocks - sza

waves - young the giant

window seat - thomston, wafia

bonus! flirt right back - backbear :)

What do you prefer?: first, second or third gen kpop songs? third gen! since that’s when i joined i’m really into it at this point! also i think the variety of music is sooo much wider than it used to be? i’m not super in tune w all the older groups but i think it’s insaneeee how many groups there are rn snd they all have a lot to offer!

What’s the cheeeeeeeeeesiest thing you’ve done? (one time a former friend of mine was telling me about a problem she had and at the end of our convo I kissed her in the forehead bYE) um legit cloud i am cheesy 25/8 catch me being a soft snuggly bean popping trash puns left and right every day of the week

If you were asked to participate in a variety show, which one of the following would you pick and why? (Pick two!): problematic men, master key, hello counselor, weekly idol, one fine day, law of the jungle i think i’d go on weekly idol! i would wanna go toe to toe w doni and coni bc they’re always so harsh to lil baby idols ahhaha i wanna take them on!

Your top 10 kpop songs of 2017? binchhhh i’ll just go by my top nine according to spotify and my number one for apple music:)

When You Love Someone - Day6

Heartbreaker - NCT 127

My First and Last - NCT DREAM (also dunk shot tho byeeee)

Baby Don’t Like It - NCT 127 (tbh don’t remember listening to it this much what)

BABE - Hyuna

Like This - Pentagon

A Supplementary Story: You Never Walk Alone - BTS

Rollin’ - Brave Girls !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eclipse - LOONA (Kim Lip)

Wake Me Up - B.A.P

bonus! Coloring Book - Oh My Girl :)

Would you rather live in a huge mansion or a compact studio house? definitely a studio house! for sooo many reasons: 1) i hate walking 2) cleaning a large house is the worst 3) if i had the option to spend that much i’d just get a smaller house and spend money on more important things!

Tell me a fun childhood story (I’ll start! One time an aunt gave me money to buy ‘papas’ (potatoes) at the grocery store so bc I’m obedient af I went and asked the counter lady how many of em could I buy with the money I had so she went ‘uhh, not many tbh’ so i ended up getting like two and when I returned to my aunt’s house she laughed her ass off and said: I meant ‘papas fritas’ (potato chips) Not those! - and uh yeah this is funnier in Spanish but it proves that I’m such an innocent angel I mean wow) gIRL I WISH I COULDA SEEN THAT SPANISH EXCHANGE I DEFINITELY LAUGHED um????????? yo idk i can’t think of anything help uhhhh okay so when my sister and i were little our house was two stories so we’d take our stuffed animals and tie plastic bags to them and make them skydive ahahha but it wasn’t too satisfying for obvious reasons so we just attached this one stretchy pink scarf to them and make them bungee jump from the railing ajfdhgfdls classic

If you were offered to start a band, would you accept? yEAH if someone offered i would assume i had the talent and ability so.. yes.. even if i didn’t and someone offered i’d still say yes bye

kiki’s q’s

Link your favourite playlist here if you can and if you can’t write out the first 10 songs on it! (Not a question but shh) here she isssss okay wait so she’s not my go to playlist tbh but she has a mix of western and kpop so.. enjoy!

Is your current ult bias your first ult bias? If not who was your first? yes :) my first ever bias was joon but i didn’t even know what an ult was for a long time and by the time i found out i knew all along wonu was my boy

Who is your ult bias? jeon wonwoo ofc

Who is more likely to hog the aux cord, you or your ult? um me.. i’m kinda a hoe w music like i always play it.. when i drive my friends i am in charge of music bc duh it’s my car but then when they drive me they usually ask if i wanna play music ahahhaha MAYEB THEY’RE JSUT SAYING I HAVE GOOD TASTE THO???? 

Who is more likely to forget an important date, you or your ult? def wonwoo.. that boy couldn’t remember his own birthday if he didn’t pay attention.. for some reason i have a steel trao mind for dates?

Who is more likely to ask the other to pick them up after work, you or your ult? i like driving so i’d say maybe wonwoo? but i feel like he might be the type to want to offer to drive you.. who am i kidding that boy is always tired

Who is more likely to write the other a hand written note expressing themselves rather than just saying it, you or your ult? i think wonwoo.. i get the vibe that we’re both a bit emotionally inept and we would both have trouble expressing ourselves but he might find comfort w writing things down he’s a romantic binch he reads too much not to be

Who is more likely to cry when a dog dies in a movie, you or your ult? me bc dat ho doesn’t like dogs smh.. his only fault (jk he a mess)

Who is more likely to almost burn the house down while cooking, you or your ult? wonu? just bc i’m not that clumsy? he could do it tho

Who is more likely to start a pillow fight, you or your ult? neither of us we’re too tired

Who is more likely to ask the other to come over to cuddle with them so that they can fall asleep better, you or your ult? meeeeee i’m a cuddly bitch and he isn’t rip.. but he would do it for me he better

my questions:D

If you could travel anywhere, but were completely by yourself, where would you go?

What inspires you?

How many pets would you have in your ideal future? Any specific names or types in mind?

What are you opinions on fedoras

how many spoons can you balance on your face at once (picture or video proof preferred (i’m trying to get someone to do it pls anyone))

What is your favorite type of tree?

If you could convince one person to like kpop who would you convert?

What are three things you are normally associated with and/or what are three things you want to be associated with?

If you were in a kpop group what position would you hold (ie. leader, main vocal, moodmaker, etc) feel free to tag your mutuals and who they would be!

If you could have any wild animal as a tame pet what would it be?? (i’m ocelot loyal all the way)

What is your opinion on mint chocolate chip ice cream? (for maj)

i’m going to tag @yongpal-i !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (are you happy sister) @strawberryboo @everyonesabiaswrecker @kiheehyunie @indiepoptime @jungnoir @hwallsgrl @lipstick-chathao @yongceo @undinefin @kihqun @definitelythis @g-te @justsomekpopstuff (tagged you back:D) and @jeonwoooo if you guys want to try it out!!