#and more seriously as a reward for myself when i get 100% i think i want to get myself a dude plush lmao SOME kind of merch

[the-angel-of-the-bottomless-pit]

i deserve a cookie or something for finishing postal difficulty while on my period the toll this shit has taken on me is insane dfgdsgdjfg

AND DO NOT EVEN SPEAK TO ME ABOUT WHEN I FORGOT TO SAVE AT THE END OF THE BRIDGE; TRIED TO FIGHT MIKE J AND FUCKING DIED AND HAD TO REDO THE BRIDGE AGAIN.

FUCK THE BRIDGE, EAT MY ASS WORLD, IM FUCKING COMING FOR THAT LAST ACHIEVEMENT WHEN I UNCURL FROM MY 'AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MY INSIDES ARE BEING RIPPED APART BY RABID WILD HOGS' BALL OF PAIN

[curvykittyyssmutfics]

virgin!Megumi

A/N: Who has time to fuck when they're too busy kickin ass? Also.. Kinda went overboard on this one. Was trying to keep it pg-13, maybe get to a lil nc-17 but ended with straight porn! 🤣🤣

virgin!Megumi isn't really sure how this happened.. He's not blind to the opposite sex. Knows what women think of him, how they stare when he walks by; easily notices his female teammates eye-fucking him as they spar. So why the fuck hasn't he gotten his dick wet yet? Well.. Unfortunately for them, he's more interested in how you see him. "Lookin good, Gumi. Such a fuckin tease, know that? When you gone let me hit?" You whisper in his ear, giggling and smackin his ass when you walk by during his match. 'What. The. Entire. Fuck.' He thinks, gaze fixed on your cute lil wink and sway of your curvy hips. Your beautiful body is unmatched to him, makes him lose focus as he watches you walk away. Can't really be blamed for the way he stares, cheeks warm from your public teasing. It's not his fault he ends up face down in the ground while Yuji does a spit-take, clutching his sides laughing at how Megumi groans and coughs out a mouth full of dirt. "Dude! Never turn your back on your opponent." "No shit, Itadori!" He's half hard and embarrassed as shit right now thanks to you.

virgin!Megumi knows that your lil show of dominance was actually pretty tame- considering your usual antics. He's 100% sure you know about his little predicament and use it to your advantage any chance you get. "Oh what the fuck!" Megumi's shout pulls you downstairs to see what the hells goin on. He looks so cute: got your flower apron on, kitchen towel on his shoulder as he struggles opening a can with damp fingers. "Awww, my poor baby havin some trouble?" You chuckle at him, taking the jar poppin it open with ease, and set it on the counter. "No, it's cause- well obviously I could've done that myself! My hands.. It's just cause my fingers are wet." He sputters but you don't bother payin attention. You're slinkin up to his fine ass, nosing into his pale throat, peckin slow sweet kisses. "Mmm, Gumi. Taste so good. Wonder where else you taste good.." Oh, how he's so willing to let you find out. Your body presses into his side, perky brown titties pushing against his arm, adoring how he immediately comes undone for you. His head tilts as he whines your name, hips jerking as you lick at his skin. "So needy already. Poor thing. Only takes a kiss to your pretty throat.. Now you're ready to buss a big nut for me, huh baby?" He's nodding before you can get the question out. What a goddamn sight.. Megumi holding tight at your waist, dick tenting deliciously as he humps into the air. Fuck, he'd kill every curse on earth just to feel your dainty fingers wrap around him. Why does it always feel so dam amazing when you've barely touched him? "Know what would feel soooo good, princess? If you cum for me, right here- right now." More pretty moans before he gives you an unintelligible "N-not a princess." You smirk, hand creepin up to yank his head back by a fist full of his dark hair and grace him with one last harsh nip. He sounds so pretty when he gives you a loud whiny "Fuck!" Your too fuckin estatic to witness Megumi's eager sounds, pretty face pinched up as shivers run throughout his perfect athletic body. All of his reactions only for you.. So you palm down his thick clothed cock once as a reward. His whimpers are so fuckin pathetic, that paired with the cum stain quickly spreading across the fat bulge in his pants. "Seriously, Megumi?" you laugh heartily, slapping his toned ass once and heading back upstairs. Your boyfriend gazes at your exit with glazed eyes before thumping his head back into the cupboard to stare at the ceiling. "Fuckin woman's gonna be the death of me." He mutters under his breath as shame creeps in once again.

virgin!Megumi loves when you give him lessons on how to please you. As much as he's dying to cram his dick into you, he thinks learning how to make you feel good is so much more important. So Megumi sits on his knees, naked from the waist down on the floor by the foot of the bed; cock harder than it's ever been as he gives himself quick sloppy strokes. He's absolutely engrossed with your fingers playing between your thick cocoa thighs. Bright white teeth clench together at the sight, trapping his dark blue t-shirt in-between. "Y/n, come closer. Please! Wanna see you up close." Words muffled but hopin you understand. You're so preoccupied with the pleasure, eyes closed as you scoot to the edge of the bed to give him a better view of your nude body. You pick up the pace of the 2 fingers slippin in and out of your tight gushy hole. The sounds of your lil puss fill the room, adding to the slaps of his handjob and both of your heavy pants. "Fuuuuck, love when you watch me play with my pussy. Mmm, yeeesss- so good! You like it t-too, right Gumi?" The breathless way you say his name has him agreeing before he can process what your asking. It's the fuckin truth anyway. "So damn perfect, y/n. I swear it. Never seen anyone more beautiful." He vows, leaning in close as you bring your other hand down to rub your clit in quick messy circles. "Ahhh! My Go- getting so close baby. Turnin me on so much. Kiss me! Kiss me Gumi, pleeeeease." Megumi's never heard you sound so submissive, so utterly feminine as you get closer to your high. "Okay, honey, okay.." He springs to his feet, snatchin his shirt over his head before caging your sweaty brown body with his. Feels fucking incredible when his body pins yours to the bed, hard dick pokin at your slit. Removing your hands to clutch at his back as the feeling of his dry humpin amps you up. "Fuck, Gumiiii! Dont wanna rush you, jus- ohmyGod! Cant wait anymore, baby. Just the tip, yeah? Please Gumi, just lemme have the tip!" Those rosy lips melt into yours passionately at your earlier request as well as to silence your filthy mouth before you make him nut, but you can barely keep up. Orgasm hittin so viciously, you're doing more moaning than kissing into Megumi's mouth. And boy does he fucking loves it, inhaling each one as he continues to press his mouth over yours. His body slides repeatedly against your own, itchin to give you his cock. The rough pressure on your clit keeps you mindless as your please alternate between "Please, Gumi, please.." and "dick, just the tip.." 'Fuck it.' He thinks, cock slippin clumsily against your hole before he angles just right and forces the head of his dick between your walls. You're insides suffocate him, hug him lovingly as he immediately gives you 3 jerky thrusts that have you wailing. "Thank you baby. Ah, ah, ah! Th-thank you, so fuckin much!" The way you sound, the wet warmth on his cock.. It's all just so damn nerve-wracking, so mind-blowing and he cant take it anymore. A thunderous groan permeates the room before Megumi goes silent, stiff as a board ontop you when he pulls out to pour his nut out all over your pussy lips. Rubbing your hands down your boyfriend's flushed back soothingly as you feel his hot cum cover your cunt, raining drips down your ass crack. Fuck, what a mess. "Good boy, Megumi. Such a good boy for me." You tell him as he gasps into the side of you neck.

[tokyo-daaaamn-ji-gang]

saw that post about "one day your parents put you down and then never picked you back up" got big sad about it remembered the teaboot "i can have and will continure to hoist everyone i know" post to cheer myself back up and had a thought, what if i just fucking lifted the tokrev cast into my loving arms? none of them safe not even taiju and south, what would they do if they all got fucking deadlifted by a 4'11 womanlet that loves them?

Lmao ok this is what I think their reactions would be like when being deadlifted like that

Takemichi- Shouts in shock, he's just so surprised by it. Instantly gets worried you might hurt yourself and softly asks you to put him down.

Hina- Blushes, once you let her down she praises you a lot too, calling you strong and fawning over you.

Naoto- Gasps, asks you how you could do that.

Mikey- Tilts his head to the side, he's so curious about you being able to do this. Immediately calls Draken over and asks you to pick him up. Then starts calling over various toman members, wants to see just how strong you are.

Draken- Pats you on the back, he's damn proud of your strength.

Emma- Wraps her arms around you, clinging to you. She gets nervous that you might accidentally drop her.

Baji- Is caught off guard and pauses for a moment but quickly grins and gives you a "that's my girl"

Chifuyu- "you could pick up so many cats!"

Mitsuya- Relaxes against you, he trusts you 100%

Hakkai- Says nothing but goes bright red

Pah- Let's out a surprised "eh!?" before telling you how impressed he is of you.

Peh- Asks you to carry him to Pah so he can show you off to him.

Smiley- Swears out of surprise before complimenting you on how you're both pretty and strong. The perfect girl

Angry- Plays with your hair when you lift him (he's used to Smiley playing "pranks" by suddenly lifting him so isn't too surprised by the sensation)

Mucho- Raises an eyebrow, this was unexpected.

Sanzu- Instantly even more interested in you

Kisaki- "what the hell"

Hanma- Loudly laughs, he thinks it's adorable you can do that and happily tells you so.

Kazutora- It throws him completely off guard, blushes and tells you it's pretty cool of you.

Inui- Eyes widen in shock, wants to know what other hidden talents you might have

Koko- Wraps his legs around you, is worried you're going to drop him.

Taiju- Shouts then laughs, he's seriously impressed. Wants to know how much of your strength you were using to lift him.

Yuzuha- Cheers you on! She loves that you can do this

Izana- Doesn't like being picked up but makes an exception for you since he's so impressed.

Kakucho- Asks if you want to workout with him in the future

Shion- Is so surprised, he squirms a lot and nearly gets himself dropped. When you put him down he then immediately tries to lift you up too.

Mochi- Wraps his arms around you in a sort of hug, praises you for your strength

Ran- "oh good, you can carry me to bed"

Rindou- Is so enthusiastic about this, he tries to show you his splits after too.

South- Thinks it's some kind of game, is very excited about this and starts picking you up at random times too.

Senju- Claps for you and asks to go higher

Wakasa- Grunts in surprise, then offers to take you out to eat as a reward for your strength. "You surprised me so let me surprise you"

Benkei- Pats you on the head, is incredibly supportive of you and asks if you want to attend his gym.

Shinichiro- Kisses the top of your head, he's so proud of his girl

[dseerie]

My Thoughts On Why Astarion Acts The Way He Does

While I'm waiting for Baldur's Gate 3's cloud status to upload, I've been thinking. I've seen a lot on social media about people questioning why Astarion disapproves when your character wants to save the gnomes (since they are also under an abusive master) or assisting the refugees and how he is always wanting a reward instead of just doing something nice for the sake of it. And I've talked with people who have helped me put this into better words. At least I hope. So I wanted to explain my perspective as someone who was abused when a kid/teen/even early adult.

I fought my abusers whenever I could, figuring if it was going to happen, I'd piss them off, which was satisfying. But if someone started issues with a different authority figure, it annoyed me quite a bit because then I have another problem. And what if my abusers found out I was involved when I wasn't because someone I was with was upsetting the authority figure? It would become just one more issue I had to deal with. Too many details and nuances to keep track of when my mind needed to focus on the first problem. It made sense to stay on the good side of authority figures to keep myself safe and avoid trouble.

For me, something had to be worth doing or my mind just went back to worrying about sh*t, back to the fight or flight survival response. I needed that reward dopamine. Getting praises wasn't doing it for me, since I would forget the good because of the bad. Trauma brain is funny like that. I needed something physical and worthwhile to make me happy.

It's the reason why Astarion is my favorite character that I connected with the most. Not because of his beauty (not that he isn't an elegant elven man. Just that it wasn't what got me to like him. I'd lean more toward Gale or Wyll if it was by appearance for the male companions, though seeing Astarion half-naked with abs was a real shocker. I seriously thought he was a skinny elf 😳), but because he reminds me so much of how I was and how my thought-process worked. How I kept people away by being rude just enough without them wondering if they should say something to my abusers. Because no matter how many times I told people outright I was being abused early on, no one helped, only tattle-told on me.

And I haven't even completed a playthrough yet. I only just got to the Elfsong before starting a Durge playthrough. First playthrough was an asexual Tav to get to know the characters and storyline (I kid you not, I made my Tav a Charlatan rogue then discovered Astarion was also a Charlatan rogue when I was in the forge 😂). As I got to know them a bit more, Astarion intrigued me the most and when Patch 7 came out, I decided to play a Durge Romance. The first Durge both traumatized me up to Act 2 and made me adore and respect Astarion even more. So yeah, I'm romancing him on this Modded Durge Romance playthrough despite Gale having an interest in me, who is the male companion I would connect with if Astarion wasn't a companion (I'm literally just starting the Underdark area and Gale is already at 100 approval while Astarion is at 79 approval. I wish I had a library, I do have a cat, and I love me some white or pink wine 😋).

This is what my perspective of why Astarion acts the way he does. He's not bad, per say. What happened to him for 200 years has made him what he is. Nobody can fix someone else, but they can be guided to help fix themselves. I've been working to fix myself since I got out of the situation. And I want to be the one to guide Astarion toward fixing himself.

Both Neil Newbon and Stephen Rooney (primary writer) did a freakin' incredible job in bringing Astarion to life and making him so believable to the point he has helped many to realize what they went through and improve themselves. Bravo, good sirs! Thank you so much!

If I think of more, I'll see about adding. For now, thank you for reading. I hope you have a great day. 😊

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Health Update, for those who might notice or care!

So, here's my consequences for needing healthcare and trying to get it:

A humiliating phone appointment, wherein I did at least manage to plead successfully for an in-person appointment, and an assurance that the pharmacy should give me the generic patches that hurt less if I ask for them, and I didn't need to involve the doctor.

A week's worth of anxiety and research and note taking.

A hour and fifteen wait in a hot waiting room and exam room (AC was broken).

An anxiety attack stemming from clueless statements reflecting just how little the doctor knew or cared about the available medications and how they might help me.

Driving, paying for parking, and getting locked in a garage due to the long wait time.

A prescription for "more estrogen" that turned out to be WAY LESS estrogen.

More phone calls, research and anxiety to confirm the above.

More pain!

A brief callback that did not acknowledge any error and stated I could go back to my old prescription if I didn't like the new one.

When pressed that the entire point of this exercise was more estrogen and that I wasn't getting it, another callback with a demand to contact the other doctor she referred me to instead.

And a referral to (it turns out!) a doctor whose office does not answer the phone, has a full voicemail box, and isn't accepting email from new patients.

And the cherry on top: There's a shortage of generic patches and I will have to refill my prescription with the brand name ones that hurt more.

No apologies. All of this is MY problem.

This has been an utter cul-de-sac. 100% punishment, no reward! This is still more help than I was getting in the States, but I'm starting to suspect that, on this matter at least, it's just down to having more energy and irritability 'cos I'm getting better treatment for my thyroid. If I had a little less to give right now, I'd just give right the fuck up.

I am not attached to this assigned gender, and I'm not attached to these gendered pieces of myself. If I didn't get crazy scar tissue and pain from surgeries in the past, I would go out and trade my tits for hugs RIGHT NOW. I have no idea what the undercarriage needs to stop hurting, but I don't care what it looks like and I'd do whatever works. It's just, I don't think I should NEED to do that. There are plenty of options on the table that don't require thousands of dollars and general anesthesia and scar tissue, but they're being gatekept away from me. "A woman" couldn't possibly need anything beyond the most basic interventions, no matter what!

I think, unless I break through to this other doctor somehow, my options are: Beg for a referral to a gender clinic, or Beg the endocrinologist to handle all my hormones. I don't know why he's been so reluctant to do that. I know other people whose endocrinologists handle everything. Maybe he just assumed I'd prefer a lady-doctor for lady-things and he'll adjust if I tell him that's not the case. But I don't know. I'm gonna hafta find out, but I don't know.

All this is taking place while the spouse is dealing with this insane extra workload for the CPA exam too. I'm getting seriously concerned for what this is gonna do to HIS health. And I have an eye appointment on Saturday where I'm going to have to explain: "IT DOESN'T MATTER IF MY VISION IS 20/20 SOMETIMES, MY STAMINA IS SHIT AND I'M LEARNING TO KEEP READING AND DRAWING WITH DOUBLE VISION AND BLURRED LINES! I DIDN'T NEED TO PAY YOU THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS TO HAVE THAT - I ALREADY HAD THAT FOR FREE!"

I don't know how much I'm going to be able to keep pushing on this for the near future. I wanted to write more and fix the website and put more things in the store too. *sigh* Sorry, my few readers, if you should see this. I got a lot goin on.

[larathia]

BSD Manga reread, ch’s 1-10

I’ll be kind and not spam and only post after I’ve reread 10 chapters at a go.

And I’ll use cuts, too. Cos this time THERE WILL BE PICTURES.

Chapter One

* My first thought here is ‘wow, Dazai’s manner of speech is different’. I’m...not sure I can quite place how, and it could of course just be a translator thing, but he sounds rather more refined here at the beginning of things than he generally does later. (I’m not saying he speaks crudely, just...he gives much more of an upper class impression here, somehow.)

And he reads. I didn’t notice this the first time around because - it’s a series about literary greats, no? So of course there should be reading? But on a reread, I’m finding myself going “wow, almost nobody is seen reading.”

* There are three things that happen here, that I think are why Dazai chooses to take Atsushi under his (and, collectively, the Agency’s) wing. Firstly, while alone and clearly afraid of everything up to and including literally his own shadow, Atsushi chooses to save the life of a stranger. (He couldn’t KNOW that Dazai would’ve rather have been left alone. Point is - the kid chose to be kind, in a city that - we are repeatedly told and shown - does not have much kindness in it.) Secondly, on saving someone’s life, and being offered a reward, and while obviously starving, he just asks for chazuke. Which we’re told is basically just a dish meant to clean rice out from a bowl. It’s apparently the equivalent of saving a well-to-do person’s life and asking for a PB&J.  So now we have “kind and apparently humble”. And lastly, and this one seems to be the clincher, Atsushi tells Dazai his story in the warehouse and it’s clear that this boy has nothing to live for, and no one who’d be the slightest bit upset by his death...yet he chooses to live. WANTS to live. And even so, choosing to live and wanting to live, he has in no way ...well. Become a beast.

Contrast ALL of this with what we later learn about Dazai’s meeting with Akutagawa. And with what we later learn of Dazai’s own outlook and inclinations. Atsushi is practically Dazai’s diametric opposite...yet there’s no friction here. No competition, no judgment. Atsushi doesn’t even realize that he’s made a very quirky, and rather dangerous, friend. But because he DID, we have ...well, the whole story.

I would be remiss if I did not include probably the single most ignored bit of canon in this entire series.

The number of people who feel the deep-seated need to ignore or deny this one panel is really kind of amazing, when you get down to it. I just thought I’d mention that yes, Dazai being straight is, actually, canon. Chapter one, never actually recanted or disproved in the text canon. It’s important to remember what is canon and what is fanon. It prevents fandom-related insanity.

ANYWHO. MOVING ON.

Chapter 2

Atsushi’s entrance exam. On a reread, what mostly sticks out to me here is what Atsushi learns about Dazai.

Firstly, Atsushi learns that seriously, Dazai’s suicide attempts have completely numbed the Agency to even the idea Dazai might need help:

Secondly, Atsushi learns that Dazai is very much a trickster entity who might be your friend and might look out for your best interests, but has ZERO problem lying and/or putting you through the wringer in order to do so.

He definitely remembers both of these lessons later. It doesn’t hurt that he gets a lot of reminders.

Chapter 3

* Tanizaki is, genuinely, a pretty nice guy on average, and takes a non-mentorly kind of ‘take Atsushi under his wing’ approach. Sort of senior-but-equal.

* Ah, the famous ‘guess Dazai’s former job’ scene. Now, I get why Dazai wasn’t exactly free to admit it (given all the work the government did to cover up his past) but I feel, on reread, that the fandom should admit Kunikida totally had Dazai figured out. And absolutely deserves the financial reward.

Like, seriously. What we later learn is Kunikida was 100 percent right on both counts - Dazai just wasn’t free to admit it.

He promises he ‘won’t lie’. And...very technically, VERY VERY TECHNICALLY, he isn’t? I mean yes, ‘scoundrel’ covers pretty much the entire Mafia, and ‘shipping container’ would in most cases be considered synonymous with ‘homeless’, so I do feel Kunikida is right to claim the pot. But at the same time, “mafia don” is ...rather above and beyond mere ‘scoundrel’ and ‘capable of living in five star hotels but CHOOSING a shipping container’ is not what comes to mind when one says ‘homeless’. There’s a hell of a lot of nuance that lets Dazai’s assertion that he ‘won’t lie’ technically stand, while at the same time allowing Kunikida to be 100 percent right.

But at the base level I’m going to call this as “the only reason Dazai doesn’t admit to his past here is because at the time he probably couldn’t.” This little pot of betting money never comes up again, but I like to think that when Dazai does finally admit his Mafia connections to Kunikida later on, he hands over the pot as well. (Yes, yes, I know. Fanon vs Canon; this is a guess/hope.)

Canonically, what we as readers learn is yes - Dazai will lie. Context is required to understand why and to what degree, but yeah - Dazai will totally lie.

* And we’re introduced to Higuchi and Akutagawa. And Dazai’s tricks (again). This time it’s the headphones, listening to the transmitter he put in Higuchi’s pocket. And the lyrics to his ‘double suicide’ song, which I suppose we have to figure he just made up on the spot to ‘explain’ why he’s wearing headphones, since just saying “I’m listening to our client on the sly” would ...not come off well with Kunikida after that whole ‘drag Dazai into the closet for a beating’ thing.

* Tanizaki really is a pretty decent detective. And his ability is much better in combat than he thinks; it’s really only down to his Light Snow that everyone came out of their first encounter with Akutagawa alive.

Chapter 4

* Wow. Dazai really did come RIGHT over once the fighting started.

* And we learn that sweet, observant, polite Tanizaki has a really hard ‘cross this and die’ line; Fuck Thou Not With His Sister. Accompanied by impressive crazyface.

* This is also Akutagawa and Atsushi’s first fight. Given that Atsushi’s still reeling from a lot of revelations, he did pretty well.

* And now we, the readers, know that Kunikida was right; Dazai was a scoundrel. A professional and high ranking one. Even so, on reread, it’s this panel that sticks out as “whoa”.

Because while we learn in this chapter that Dazai is ex-Mafia, it’s much later that we learn just what his relationship with Akutagawa was. And how very, very much this single mocking sentence would cut Akutagawa.

Dazai gets a lot of information out of Aku here. But all his actual concern is for getting Atsushi, Junichiro, and Naomi back to base.

Chapter 5

Dude, you totally are. And I think it’s Kunikida’s state of “totally rattled” that really pushes Atsushi to think that the only thing he can do to protect the Agency is run away from it.

We’re then introduced to the Black Lizard, which upsells the whole ‘must run away’ idea, We’re given a brief introduction to Tachihara and Gin, which is at least useful to remember for later.  And we realize that Higuchi hasn’t processed that Dazai is ex-Mafia. (Probably fair, since most people don’t seem to survive trying to be ex-Mafia.)

And Atsushi learns that he doesn’t have to ‘protect’ the ADA. They’re totally capable of protecting themselves, Kunikida’s case of nerves notwithstanding.

Chapter 6

Our introduction to Ranpo. (And Atsushi’s.) And all we get at first is the sheer awe that everyone holds Ranpo’s power in. And a hell of a lot of Atsushi’s “so done with you crazy people” face.

This is very much a ‘Dazai mentoring’ chapter; he’s the one advising Atsushi to watch closely, and he’s the one that pushes Atsushi to take action when the bad cop tries to use his gun on the group. (Dazai’s also apparently pleasantly surprised that Atsushi managed to handle that well, taking the officer down without killing or injuring him or anyone else...but yeah, Dazai’s probably still comparing Atsushi to Akutagawa here.) Dazai’s the one to show Atsushi that Ranpo isn’t using a supernatural skill, too, just his head - walking Atsushi through those details he himself can spot, as a kind of training session.

He really isn’t a bad mentor. But he’s very much a trickster mentor - Atsushi just has the weird luck to be mentored by this setting’s equivalent of Loki. He learns! Valuable lessons! Just...not exactly in an orthodox manner.

Chapter 7

I tend to focus on Dazai, because he’s a character you kind of HAVE to figure out from context (given he’s a trickster, and often, a deceiver), so ...bear with me a bit here.

The first note is the face he makes when Kyouka corners him:

We don’t know exactly why he makes this face at the time, because we don’t get a clear view of what ability Kyouka has...but realistically, this has to just be startlement that the Mafia Really Wants To Talk To Him Right Now. Because...Demon Snow cannot hurt Dazai; she’d be dispelled at the first touch. And ...frankly, Kyouka may be a skilled assassin but she’s 14 and very direct and in a straight up fight I’d put money on Dazai. So when Dazai’s accused of ‘letting himself be captured’...yeah, he totally LET himself be captured. There’s evidence enough to support that. (Now, ask me why Akutagawa SENT KYOUKA, when he knows damn well what Dazai’s skillset is, and I find myself thinking “Aku wanted to see if Dazai would kill her for him, didn’t he.” Akutagawa knows Dazai has no real problem murdering people. Dazai’s tried to kill Aku, after all.

And then we’re back at the Agency, and treated to a reminder that really, Atsushi is the only member of the ADA willing to accept even the idea that Dazai might actually be in trouble, or need/want help.

Sadly...Atsushi is also wrong - since Dazai DID let himself be captured, and DOES kinda have that whole situation under control...but the thing is, no one in the ADA really knows that, or even HAS a way to know that; they’re just (mostly) fed up with Dazai’s suicide attempts.

And it’s not that Atsushi necessarily disagrees with everyone’s assessment? He totally accepts that maybe Dazai did try to kill himself (again), or is in control of whatever situation he’s landed in. It’s just that Atsushi also accepts that he doesn’t KNOW that - and that, incidentally, he seems resolved to interfering with Dazai’s suicide attempts regardless - and so he’ll go anyway. Which makes him utterly unique in the entire BSD setting, when you think about it. Everyone else that has ever tried to keep Dazai alive, has done so for selfish reasons. Atsushi...just doesn’t want Dazai to die. He doesn’t have work for Dazai to do, doesn’t seem to need him for anything...he just doesn’t want Dazai to be dead. Which may be the only reason Dazai doesn’t ever get mad at Atsushi about it.

Atsushi also doesn’t have the slightest hint of self preservation. Which we’ve seen twice now; first with the fake bomb, second against Akutagawa, and now here - and Yosano snags him to go shopping.

For...lemons, among other things...

Given what happens later, I find the bag full of lemons just kind of ...on the nose.

Also. Let it be known that I adore and admire Yosano and this right here is absolutely why.

This woman owns my soul and you can’t get it back from her.

Yosano also wins points for being the first to realize that Atsushi’s power is a little more than just “turning into a big white kitty cat”.That Atsushi doesn’t just ‘heal’. Something more is going on.

This chapter does a lot to introduce Yosano and her basic outlook on life. She’s fearless, resolute, ruthless, and has zero patience for perverts and idiots. But she’s kind enough to Atsushi in her own way - willing, I suppose, to accept that he’s not stupid so much as he is ignorant of protocol.

Chapter 8

Still on the train.

We’re now given a proper introduction to Kyouka. Atsushi, here, has his little epiphany - if he can save other people, then he can justify his existence.

And because he has this epiphany - because he’s brought pain and misery to others due to circumstances beyond his control, but does not want to die - he’s able to push Kyouka into wanting to escape the dark too. Although, much like Atsushi’s first attempt was curling around what he thought was a live bomb, Kyouka jumps from the train.

And Yosano, man, I would just put every panel with Yosano on here if I could, because I adore her so very much in this chapter. Just picture me back in the stands, waving a ‘go yosano’ flag and cheering. She’s awesome. I love her.

Chapter 9

We open on a discussion of Kyouka, and Kunikida being...kind of an ass. Again. Because someone has to say the obvious and unpleasant truth, and that tends to be Kunikida’s job. And Atsushi ...probably doesn’t even realize that he takes a page from Dazai’s book here. It’s much easier to get information from someone who’s comfortable and at ease with you, than it is to beat information out of them. Atsushi saw that firsthand, when he was the interrogation subject back in chapter 1. But Atsushi doesn’t have Dazai’s leverage with Kunikida, and has to pick up the tab himself. And once more, Kunikida lays out the obvious, unpleasant truths.

(I feel like at this point someone should be asking, “If Kyouka’s so clearly condemned, and she’s only been with the Mafia a little while, how the fuck was Dazai able to just walk out?” - not that we get the answer to that for a LONG time...)

That isn’t the question that Atsushi asks, though. He asks a question much closer to the heart of his character:

And ...I want to say that I think this is actually a very central question, at the very heart of the series’ conflicts. Not about Dazai specifically, but why does anyone reach out to help anyone when there’s nothing in it for them to do so?

Look - we know, as of current time (all the chapters since this one, and all the LNs and spinoffs and all that) that the reason ‘why Dazai reached out’ was that this was something Oda asked Dazai to do with his dying breath. Look after orphans. Protect the weak. Why was Oda kind? Because Natsume was kind to Oda, and Oda’s paying it forward.

And why did Dazai heed Oda’s request? Because, ultimately, Oda was kind to him. Kind when it not only didn’t get Oda anything, it actually put Oda at risk and ultimately cost Oda his life. One person was kind to Dazai. They made one request, and that pushed Dazai forward.

And then in turn Dazai is kind to Atsushi. When it doesn’t benefit him to do so, and in fact incurs debt at first - hiding Atsushi from the police, getting him a place to stay, etc. It doesn’t benefit Dazai to do any of this, nor does he require any repayment from Atsushi for it.

Natsume was kind to Oda. Oda was kind to Dazai. Dazai is kind to Atsushi. And now Atsushi, in turn, wants to be kind to Kyouka.

So very much of this entire series pivots on a single chain of kindness.

And a hell of a lot of unkindness.

The story slips back to Dazai, chained to a wall, and being particularly chill about it. You can pretty much tell Akutagawa finds this utterly incomprehensible...but then, his power can’t hurt Dazai, and Dazai truly wouldn’t care even if it could. Dazai mocks Akutagawa...a LOT. And we find out now for certain that Dazai wasn’t just ‘ex mafia’. He’s an ex-mafia don, a leader, executive, and Aku’s former mentor.

And he is merciless. He rips right into any and all aspects of Akutagawa that might hurt Aku, anger him, upset him. You can practically see Dazai smashing little chisels into every one of Aku’s (many) braincracks. And then he adds the finisher, which will take all of Aku’s hurt and rage and aim it at Atsushi:

We know, from later chapters, why Dazai does this. He knows of old that Akutagawa is obsessed with proving himself, and that the only way Akutagawa knows of to do that is attack and defeat what he sees as his enemy. Dazai also knows that Atsushi has the potential to get through to Akutagawa - as well as survive Akutagawa’s power. He’s throwing these two at each other because both of them will learn just as much from each other as either ever could from him, and he’s well aware someone is yanking some strings in the background.

(And I’m pretty sure he really, really doesn’t want to have to deal with Chuuya.)

If Double Black isn’t going to handle whatever the new situation is, then a replacement team must be forged. Despite what Dazai tells Akutagawa here, we know from side media (the Mimic affair, specifically) that Dazai actually thinks well of Akutagawa’s powers. He just doesn’t think much of Akutagawa’s ability to learn to use it effectively.

The scene switches back to Atsushi, being kind to Kyouka. Which ends with Akutagawa kidnapping Kyouka and attacking Atsushi.

Kindness and unkindness. In this chapter, Dazai’s ultimately at fault for all of it.

Such a trickster. So very Loki.

Chapter 10

Junichiro is, again, the gentle/kind member after Atsushi. And Kunikida is, again, the one to lay out unpleasant facts, although this time Ranpo’s willing to help. The ADA are not really a team, at this point - they’re a collection of employees. There’s no expectation of anyone going out on a limb for anyone else.

Thankfully, Naomi - and Fukuzawa - aren’t gonna be having with any of that shit. That Fukuzawa - who’s had almost NO interaction with Atsushi - is willing to turn the whole Agency on its ear on Atsushi’s behalf...says a hell of a lot about the man’s integrity and sense of honor. This isn’t just a ‘collection of employees’, to him. They are his people. That’s how his ability works, how it can help them. “His people” may not yet be bonded with each other, but from Fukuzawa’s position, they are all connected to him. Once they are his, he will watch over them. Which gives us this gem:

And again, this is something that hits harder after you’ve read all the manga, and all the side stuff, and you realize what Fukuzawa is delivering here isn’t a counter-argument. It’s a very personal bitchslap, reminding Ranpo that Fukuzawa has stuck his neck out for Ranpo, especially in their early years working together, and that Ranpo denying aid to another because it isn’t “logical” is basically Ranpo saying that he didn’t deserve help either. There’s...seriously no way Ranpo’s even going to try making that argument.

And then we cut to Dazai’s little dungeon. I think it’s important to realize that the entire interaction was something Dazai expected - and staged. Much like his interaction with Akutagawa before, everything Dazai says or does with Chuuya in the room is designed to get a specific reaction out of Chuuya.

This is the truth - these panels just before Chuuya enters.

And this interaction truly is a work of art, because Chuuya may not be on Dazai’s level intelligence-wise, but he’s not actually stupid. He knows what Dazai is like - he just isn’t quick enough to avoid the traps. It’s like knowing a magician isn’t REALLY using magic, just sleight of hand, and maybe even knowing how one or two of the tricks work, but being absolutely fooled by all the others.

You’re not wrong, Chuuya. And frankly, your observations are just as valid for Dazai-now as they are for Dazai-in-the-mafia. But the minute you said “I don’t know what you’re planning”, you should’ve realized you’d already lost. Even Atsushi can pick up on that much.

The chapter ends with a lot of hustle and bustle at the ADA, and ultimately, Ranpo being nudged into giving the ADA directions. The rescue is on.

Next up will be chapters 11-20 :)

[athetos]

video game: animal well

never played | want to play | terrible | boring | okay | good | great | a favorite

Animal Well is one of those games that only comes around once in a while and totally changes how you view video games as a medium. I don’t even want to spoil much because it’s best experienced with no knowledge. So I’ll stick to the basics - it’s a metroidvania puzzle platformer that is so creative and atmospheric and rewarding. Every item you find has many uses that you’ll discover by accident that help you navigate the world and solve puzzles. And there’s a lot of puzzles. Both the creator, Billy Basso, and the community have broken the game down into layers. Each layer builds on the previous, and some people may stop after finishing layer 1, while others may keep going, until they’re satisfied.

Layer 1 - the “any%” completion. Within the capabilities of most players. Just beating the game without uncovering all the secrets.

Layer 2 - the “100%” completion. This is collecting all of the eggs (hidden items) through exploring and solving puzzles. Significantly more challenging, but a player can feasibly do it without outside help. Theres a few other elements to this layer, but I won’t spoil them. This alone was enough to make it a brilliant game, but…

Layer 3 - this is where things get wild. A player could potentially “100%” the game and not stumble upon any of the secrets in this layer. Again, I don’t want to spoil anything, but these are also harder than the previous layer; in fact, they were never intended to be solved by a player in isolation, and were meant to incorporate community discussion and even ARG elements. This is where my mind was blown and I realized how genius the game is.

Layer 4 - the last known layer, and I think it’s safe to say based off the responses of Billy Basso and Dan Adelman (who helped with the marketing and business aspects of the game - he also worked with axiom verge, btw) that there is no layer beyond this one. This layer is crazy. Seriously. They expected it to take years to crack it in its entirety, but it only took the fanbase a month or two.

I’ve finished Layer 3, and for now have no interest in doing Layer 4, but I might come back and tackle it in the future (although I know the rewards for it). I think what’s really beautiful about this game is not just how creative and fun it is, but in how it encourages the community to work together. There’s so many cool people trying different things and sharing their findings, it’s been a blast to participate.

The game still has some secrets, though, but nothing as intense as the main layers. The thing is, we may never know when we find them all - Dan says he’s aware of some that haven’t been uncovered, but there’s some he doesn’t even know about, and Billy said he probably forgot quite a few things over its development for the past few years. He did leave some cryptic comments on a Reddit AMA, so we have some inkling of what’s left to solve. Even without a major discovery left, it’s still awesome to team up and keep trying to uncover what little things are waiting for us.

I can’t recommend this game enough, and I really encourage everyone to go in blind and to only turn to the community for help if you get truly stuck; most folks are really cool and will give you advice without spoiling later layers (including myself!) And once you’re satisfied, you can feel free to check out all the wild puzzles you wouldn’t have solved yourself in a million years.

10/10 for sure

[incorrectoldgermanstoriesquotes]

I posted 699 times in 2022

That's 596 more posts than 2021!

699 posts created (100%)

0 posts reblogged (0%)

I tagged 698 of my posts in 2022

#incorrect quotes - 696 posts

#struwwelpeter - 696 posts

#böse friederich - 316 posts

#suppenkaspar - 313 posts

#struwwelpeter (character) - 169 posts

#paulinchen - 155 posts

#hans guck-in-die-luft - 130 posts

#source: calvin and hobbes - 114 posts

#zappelphilip - 110 posts

#fliegende robert - 84 posts

Longest Tag: 71 characters

#seriously i just saw this meme for the first time and thought about him

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Neighbor: What are you supposed to be?

Friederich, wearing two baseball caps in opposite directions: A cowboy.

4 notes - Posted March 16, 2022

#4

Kaspar's mother: Peter, did I ever tell you, you're like the son I never had?

Peter: Really?

Kaspar's mother: Yes, because you're nothing like the son I do have. Come here, Kassie.

Kaspar: Aaaww, Mama, you know it's embarrassing when you brag about me by belittling others.

4 notes - Posted March 4, 2022

#3

Hans: Are you trying to get yourself killed?!

Friederich: If I wanted to kill myself I’d jump from your ego and land on your IQ.

4 notes - Posted January 26, 2022

#2

dude. you have kaspar's personality all backward. he WON'T eat, that's his whole character.

You see, my blog mostly takes place after the events of this movie version of Struwwelpeter.

https://youtu.be/tnLU5Sjci4M

In the movie, or at least how I interpret it, the children let go of their flaws and became better people: Peter became neat and clean, Pauline began to fear fire, and yes- Kaspar started to love food (especially soup, of course) again. See him sauntering around the room with that bowl in his hands?

I think he's very happy to eat anything, even if he may have refused to eat his dinner during the events of the poem.

9 notes - Posted January 7, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I love cats. They should be rewarded for not being people.

Paulinchen

14 notes - Posted October 8, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[deepseacolors]

Umineko characters as wolf pupy tweets

Battler: people say "what you don't know won't hurt you" when in factuality i don't know anything and am constantly being seriously injured and hurt

Beatrice: the internet's largest collection of illegal Halloween sound effects is mine for the taking [WITCH'S LAUGH] [WITCH'S LAUGH]

Ange: you have to be cruel to be kind, no wait the other thing, you have to do nice things. phew, could have caused a lot of problems

Jessica: some things have to be seen to be believed, the good news? you can just not look at them.

George: i think i speak for all of us, just in general.

Maria: reached the limit of what you can do with imagination? why not try occult dark magic

Shannon: things are going really well for me now that ive changed the meaning of really well to the opposite of what it means in my head

Kanon: me: life is bullshit / me but with different hair this time: youre right about that / me: thank you so much

Kinzo: easiest way to win at chess is to drop a grenade on the board, pieces to pieces, chess to dust

Krauss: your new get rich scheme has to be twice as dumb as your last one otherwise you get deranked from 'idiot genius' to 'regular businessman'

Natsuhi: the golden age of throwing a baby out with the bath water was over, and both the phrase and act developed a negative connotation in society

Eva: the key to success in life is to work hard, set goals, and have access to a powerful magic spellbook

Hideyoshi: if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

Rudolf: i dont want to throw anyone under the bus but when push comes to shove maybe i am really good at throwing people under buses. who knows whats underneath buses anyway, maybe treasure.

Kyrie: a good deed is its own reward? no thanks i want 100 coins

Rosa: i never promised you a rose garden [footage of me promising you a rose garden] god damn it

Genji: if you drag out your slight thoughtful pause eventually the other person will walk away and then you dont have to say anything

Kumasawa: i did the best i could with the resources i was given, which was nothing

Nanjo: he died how he lived, not my problem

Gohda: as someone who has a long history of not understanding anything, i feel confident in my ability to continue not knowing what is going on

Ronove: "Even when blood flows in the streets, there are cookies to be had." - Cookie Monster

Virgilia: you look tired, why dont you close your eyes for a while, trick some people into thinking you dont have eyes

Gaap: everyone who died and was killed on my quest to get really good hair and fashion deserved it and i dont care

Seven Stakes: another wonderful blood ritual, looks like the satan has done it again. thank you to everyone who was killed

Chiester Sisters: PROTIP: shoot him again, his soul is still dancing

Sakutarou: ∑:ᘌᴐ

Bernkastel: instead of spending all your time trying to make things better and failing you can cut out the middleman and just make things worse

Lambdadelta: popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it 'popped corn', is the number #1 food of watching things

Erika: "i don't think..." yeah you don't think, i on the other hand am constantly thinking, various thoughts and ideas, as a genius of intelligents

Dlanor: stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

Zepar & Furfur: the mystery of sex remains unsolved to this day, some believe it never existed, others still seek the truth [curtain close]

Featherine: it's time i start letting you figure things out on your own instead of me not knowing the answers but making them up anyway.

Will: lets forget about the bodies for a second. what do you really want to let hit the floor? your feelings perhaps?

Lion: life was so simple an hour ago, i had a sandwich and everything. now things are worse and i dont have a sandwich any more

Clair: to clear up confusion all the characters in this comic are just me with different wigs on

Ikuko: some say the titanic sank because of iceberg but to me, it is a mystery

Tohya: this whole me thing is dead in the water

[ot3]

hey, any tips for staying in love with a series youre making? youve been working on quantum merit for 2 years now i think? any time i get an idea i just have it in the back of my mind that in a couple weeks im going to lose interest, let alone actually go through and start working on it. finishing soemthing is a distant dream. your art is amazing and a huge inspiration for me (is creativity infectious? bc thats how i feel whenever i read qm) so i was hoping maybe you had some insight. thanks <3

over two and a half years at this point actually! crazy! lacking the ability to follow through is a problem i've long had in life. i started drawing QM to try and curtail this. the trick isn't actually to stay in love with a series you're making, the trick is to learn to make things when you don't necessarily love it.

for me, the entire point of doing something operating on this level of self indulgence and experimental technique was to enable myself to churn stuff out even when i think everything i am doing is absolute shit, which is extremely extremely frequently. for long-haul projects you have to be willing and able to work on them even when you think all of your ideas are bad and all of your work is bad and not only is this the worst thing you have ever made, it is the worst thing anyone has ever made. the way i try and get through working on stuff when this is how i feel is that i remind myself i am not special in any way shape or form. everyone else in human history has had to make a lot of bad stuff before they get the privilege of making good stuff. this is allowed to be mine.

another thing that really helps is making sure that the process can be enjoyable even without good results. sometimes even when i hate everything i'm doing in terms of Substance, the act of just getting to draw something feels satisfying enough that i can make myself do it. this goes for all art, i think, not just long projects. if the Process is something you force yourself to sit through waiting for the end reward of a finished product, you're probably never going to be a functional artist. if you don't love Making art and you only love Finishing art you'll quickly find you don't make or finish much of anything.

additionally, i think an important part with long hauls like this is to never, ever look at the finish line. if i keep drawing the amount of stuff i have planned at the rate i have been drawing it, i will be at this for several more years minimum. thats an entirely overwhelming and terrifying thing to think about, and dwelling on it makes me freeze up and want to quit while i'm ahead. so i try not to ever think about actually finishing it. i have no idea if ill finish it i dont even have the slightest fucking clue what my life would even look like in the five years this could take to finish because it already looks nothing like it looked like three years ago. so instead focus on progress. if you think about finishing something you'll never do anything, if you think about just making a little bit of progress you can look back and suddenly you have over 100 full color pages. one foot in front of the other

i would also feel completely insincere if i did not mention how much all of the kind words people have had for my comic have helped me in finding the motivation to continue! seriously, it means so much to me that people like it. external motivation is not the be-all end-all of anything, but i suggest finding at least one friend who is willing to be your hype man and make them talk you out of being insane when you hate everything youre working on. when i reach the point where i literally like can't even tell what the pages im working on look like anymore i send them to my friends and make them all tell me that these are very normal looking drawings.

best of luck with your future endeavors anon i hope any of this is helpful! its an honor to be considered inspiring in any way

[calltomuster]

Star Wars Fic Recs Part the Fourth

[first fic rec list] [second fic rec list] [third fic rec list]

Been a few weeks since I've done one of these and I've read/reread some great fics recently so let me share them with you now!

And I Fear Nothing by @maiseey (Obi-Wan/Cody, WIP, 11/? chapters, 43.4k words) Picture this: I am sitting in the parking lot of my local grocery store, having just bought a load of perishables. I get the email that And I Fear Nothing has just been updated. What do I do: run home to preserve the food I just paid for, or sit in my car and read the new chapter right away? The answer is obvious, of course! That is exactly the situation I found myself in last week when chapter 11 dropped and I did in fact choose to read it in spite of my groceries, that's how much I love this fic. In this fic, Obi-Wan and Cody are raising Luke and Leia together on Tatooine, and they've got so much trauma, and new + old wounds, and love for each other and the children they're raising that it both warms your heart and tears it apart. But that's not all, this fic expands beyond just the small home in the middle of the Jundland Wastes and explores Ahsoka and Rex and their journey to de-chip as many clones as possible. I love this fic because it doesn't shy away from hard conversations, but it does it in a way that makes you want to cry and give everyone involved a hug. Plus, there are some fantastic minor clone characters that you will 100% want to die for by the time you finish reading. Cannot recommend this fic enough.

Obligate by @communistkenobi (gen, one-shot, 23.9k words, Obi-Wan & Anakin & Ahsoka) Just when you thought the Deception arc didn't have enough pain, this AU sees Anakin fake his death instead of Obi-Wan! My heart is physically ripped out of my chest just thinking about this fic, so imagine what it'd do to you actually reading it. Anything @communistkenobi writes is so well-done and I've gone through his works list on AO3 multiple times, but somehow I missed this when it was first posted and it was like a wonderfully delightful surprise when I ran into it the other day. So, so good. Highly recommend!

Moirai by damonkey (gen, WIP, 4/? chapters, 9.2k words, Obi-Wan & Qui-Gon) All I can really say about this fic without giving anything away is that it's a Phantom Menace AU and it's so intriguing. The author is very deliberate in having a vague summary and only tagging as the story progresses, so I truly have no idea what's ahead of me but it's so -- as I said -- intriguing that I'm happy to strap into the ride. Ahhhh I'm skimming through the fic and there are so many things I want to mention but I don't want to give anything away!

Almost Home by @frunbuns (gen, one-shot, 5.2k words, Obi-Wan & Anakin) You know, every time I recc a Modern AU I'm like "I don't usually like Modern AUs but..." and then proceed to gush over the fic. I went and checked and I've recced a Modern AU on almost every fic rec list I've made! Maybe I do like Modern AUs?? Or maybe the fics are just that good -- and this fic is definitely that good. In this fic, the first of a planned series of fics set in a modern Star Wars universe, Obi-Wan is reeling from the loss of his adoptive father Qui-Gon and has to care for a young Anakin. Ooooooof. Definitely hits you right in the feels, this one. Love the non-chronological storytelling too!

Naked and Not Paid by biscuitlevitation (Obi-Wan/212th Attack Battalion, WIP, 6/? chapters, 14.9k words) This fic is essentially ~15k words of the clones thirsting over Obi-Wan and it is the funniest thing I have read all year. I'm not kidding, I just read the last chapter which features space-church-lady!Anakin and I laughed so hard I cried. I'm cracking up just thinking about it. I promise you will have a good time reading this fic. And if the tag "Obi-Wan Kenobi/212th Attack Battalion" puts you off, let me just say there's no sex in this at all, it's just thirst. And it's hilarious.

Full Disclosure by @trixree (Obi-Wan/Cody, WIP, 2/3 chapters, 7.4k words) ROTS AU in which the Force bonds Obi-Wan has formed with a few members of the 212th save them from the chip and Order 66, but it doesn't stop the devastation from happening on a mass scale and they all have to try and deal with Mustafar and Luke and Leia. This fic manages to be both extremely soft and extremely gut-wrenching at the same time, and I wish I could leave more kudos. Full disclosure (get it, little pun there for ya), I will be dying until the final chapter comes out. Time to go listen to Olivia Rodrigo and reread this fic and just live in my feels.

Thirteen Days by @ewanmcgregorismyhomeboy12 (gen, one-shot, 4.1k words, Obi-Wan & Anakin) Post-Zygerria arc, Anakin dresses an unconscious Obi-Wan's injuries and struggles. Ahhhh this fic is one of my favorite Zygerria arc fics, and given that that's my favorite arc, that's saying a lot! Obi-Wan doesn't say a word in this fic, but his presence is very much there, if you know what I mean. And the descriptions of injuries here are pretty graphic at times, but it's so good that you'll want to keep reading even if you have to do it through the fingers covering your eyes.

brother, let me be your shelter by @kenobilovebot (gen, one-shot, 1.6k words, Obi-Wan & Anakin) This fic packs so much tenderness in a short amount of words. It covers an AU in which Obi-Wan's issues from Zigoola never really resolve, and Anakin finds out when -- well, you'll just have to read for yourself. I love Zigoola because it is such an excellent whumpfest for poor Obi-Wan and this fic is great for that, but also highlights Anakin and Obi-Wan's relationship.

A Padawan At War (Again) series by @itstimeforstarwars (gen, 3 parts, 100k words, Obi-Wan & Anakin) In this series, Obi-Wan and Anakin are transported from The Phantom Menace into the Clone Wars and have to deal with all that comes with it: fighting wars, discovering a Padawan you never knew you had, dueling your grandmaster who apparently is a Sith Lord now(?!) and all the rest. This series is a great ride, and I look forward to every update. Note: the first fic in this series is a one-shot that was expanded upon, and it drops you in media res. The second fic is a prequel that shows how they got to that point, and the third fic is the sequel that shows what comes after.

The Desert Storm series by @blue-sunshine-mauve-morning (complete, 24 parts, 1.144 million words) There has never been a better time to start reading this series. If you read Star Wars fics on AO3, then you've definitely seen the Desert Storm series before, but maybe you were daunted by the high word count, or felt like it would be too much effort to go all the way to the beginning of a series but couldn't just jump in halfway. Let me tell you, it's 100% worth it, and now is the perfect time to read this series if you haven't already. This series is complete, but it turns out it's all just Act 1 of the larger story, which will continue in the Rise and Fall series. @blue-sunshine-mauve-morning is taking a break right now before starting the next series, so you have ample time to get caught up, and YOU REALLY SHOULD. Let me tell you, this series had me on the edge of my seat more than any other piece of media I can remember. With the most recent chapters, where everything that has been building for a million words came to a head, I would get so worked up after each chapter that beforehand I would have to queue up calming things to watch afterwards, and it still wouldn't be enough and I'd be too full of feelings to get anything done the rest of the day. Seriously, this series is amazing. And if you HAVE read it before but haven't reread, now is the perfect time for that as well. I've reread this series multiple times and it's so rewarding because the author sprinkled in so many hints as to what will come that you only understand the second (or third) time around. I know I've written a lot for this rec but this is a long series and it deserves it. Go read! Now!

If you like any of these fics, please consider reblogging so they can get more exposure! And if you noticed I missed someone’s Tumblr account, or linked the wrong one, please let me know!

[ahogedetective]

"Yeah... and they may think no one notices it, but people with a keen enough eye... they do." Something Shuichi could state from experience, and in general. Occasionally during his cases, he dealt with dishonest people: especially ones who ended up part of the problem or full on guilty, themselves. He personally could not stand people like that. It made him also wish, that Sonia didn't experience what it's like, dealing with people like that, too....

"And I know you won't: your duty as a princess, is something that you always take seriously. And I know it only become more difficult over the years as you handle more and more responsibilities, but... I'll always be here for you, cheering you on and being your biggest supporter. Ehehe: and I'm happy that you are my mentor! You've been a great help to me. That's why I hope I can return the favor to you, by at least helping your time here as a regular high school student, be as relaxing and fun as possible." Had anyone else been his mentor for this project, he, more or less depending on the person, probably would have been much more nervous. But with Sonia, she was one of the few people he could just relax around, and be overly formal or shy with.

That, and she helped him try to feel more confident in himself. That's why when she says that he should have more pride in himself, or else he won't be able to convince others he truly has something to offer- "Ah..." It made him realize, that even if he was trying to sound more confident: there was still that self-doubt in his voice, and not seeming too sure that Interpol would recruit him without a doubt. "...You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm sorry: that should go without saying, and yet I still... okay. I... will correct myself; I do have something to offer, and I will prove it to the judges, and to Interpol in the future. I... became an Ultimate Detective for a reason. I won't allow myself to forget that. Thank you, Sonia-senpai: I'm sorry you always have to knock some sense into me. I promise I will have more pride in myself."

("Relax, Shuichi... stop letting self-doubts cloud rational thinking. Sonia-senpai is right: there is no reason not to believe Interpol would not consider me. I must... prove to everyone, that I am a worthy detective...!") With a soft exhale, he feels his body relax some more. As she tells him about the level of security around precious artifacts in the castle, he hums in intrigue.

"I see... with that level of security, I doubt that even the most skilled of thieves would have much success trying to hide or steal anything, especially if they wanted to get into those storage rooms. Yeah, let them try their luck on their own until they get caught!" Another chuckle leaving his lips, his smile softens at her encouragement. "Yes... and thank you. Your support always means so much, and makes me feel all the more confident that I can do this!"

As he watches her begin taking something out of her bag, he asks: "...! Something for me? To celebrate together with you once I pass my midterms? Th-Thank you! I'm fine with you wanting to show me early." Then at the mention of Glitch Coffee, he gives a curious head tilt. "Glitch Coffee? Hmm, I don't think I have." He leans in slightly to give the menu a better peek. As she explains, he gasps in amazement at the concept, and at the selections he sees. "Ohhh...! That sounds amazing! It's practically like having your own personal barista making your coffee for you. And you can even see them do so, huh? O-Oh my god, I absolutely want to try this place. I can just imagine they'll have the best coffee and treats choices." There were some flavors that even he hadn't heard of or tried, before. This made him all the more excited to try this place after he finishes his exams. He was going to make sure without a doubt, that he passes them, 100%. "I already know I'll enjoy it, especially with you: thank you so much! I promise to do my absolute best so that your reward does not go to waste!"

Sonia shook her head at his description. Even if it was accurate for some, that didn't mean it was right. "If compassion is given only in order to better the person attempting to give it, then it is not compassion at all," She said, definitive and firm. Said as someone who had seen too much of that precise behavior, she was only sad to know that Shuichi too understood that there was compassion in the world that wasn't genuine. "But you are not wrong: there are plenty of tasks and decisions that shall be placed upon my shoulders that will affect the lives of millions, maybe even more. I cannot take them lightly, even if it is nice to unburden myself. Just for a little while, as a normal high school student here. Like being a mentor to you for this project! That is not a royal responsibility, and I am quite glad to take up the challenge."

Not that Shuichi was, really, a challenge. No, the Class 79 assignments had been read out by Yukizome-sensei to all of Class 77-B, so they all knew who each and every one of their classmates would be paired up with. And there had been some annoyed grumbles at Sonia's assignment of Shuichi: like she'd gotten special treatment, to be assigned a student who had a reputation of being predominantly unproblematic to get on with.

Something she needed to brush aside, both as a mentor and a friend to him. She would live her life under constant criticism, judgment, and suspicion: if she couldn't handle a few classmates, she'd crumble at an entire nation of people who depended on her to lead them. "Well, why would Interpol not consider you, when you are ready to begin your full time work?" She asked plainly. Not out of a lack of concern, but because the answer, to Sonia at least, was quite obvious. "You are studying here as an Ultimate Detective, Saihara-san. I do not normally believe we should put much stock in our talents to define us, but in your case, it may not hurt to take a bit more pride in your abilities. If you do not believe you are an Ultimate Detective with something truly unique to offer the world, it may be difficult to convince others of that. You will need to believe in yourself first, always: and especially in front of the midterm examiners. There are times I feel that they can smell fear off of students."

Or maybe it was the combination of grease and sweat from Kazuichi's first year exams that he'd famously needed to retake: something Sonia had only learned when he'd asked (begged) for her support and belief in him, that it would have meant the world that Miss Sonia the Princess cheered him on with her entire heart.

She'd only worried how else it might encourage him, someone so famously poor with boundaries and awareness. In Shuichi, she did not have such problems in a friend. "There is all sorts of security around the most precious artifacts in Novoselic," She mentioned, "To the point that taking a priceless portrait, or piece of furniture, would be terribly difficult to hide. And the crown jewels have at least seven different locks and procedures to even enter those storage rooms. Not that I would want to give thieves any ideas of how to riddle them out!" Sonia paused, laughing along with him. The mood had become much lighter, and she appreciated that.

"Regardless, we all must start somewhere in our respective careers. Maybe yours will be local, small cases at first but I do not doubt that you will prove yourself, just like you will do so for the examination board. And as you have mentioned making memories..."

Sonia trailed off, smiling as she retrieved a brochure from her bag. "I had meant to show you this later, after a few preparatory meetings for your upcoming exam, but it is the practice that when the kouhai completes their midterm and is given a passing grade, that the senpai treat them to a celebration, however they see fit. I hope you do not mind, but I have come up with this for us. Have you heard of Glitch Coffee, Saihara-san?"

She opened the small brochure/menu that depicted a minimalist cafe design but with a speciality of pour over coffee. The establishment prided itself with sourcing their beans from single origin only facilities and roasting their beans onsite. "It is individualized attention with a barista as they introduce you to all of their coffee beans, alongside the flavor notes and where they come from, as they help you choose a coffee that suits your tastes. And then they grind the beans before you and prepare exquisite cups of coffee alongside small treats. I thought it might be something you would enjoy, as a congratulations for a job well done."

[the-insomniac-emporium]

Serenade (Daniela Dimitrescu/Reader) Pt. 11

Fandom: Resident Evil: Village Rating: T for language Warnings: Nope! Notes: Here we are, a breath away from the end. This features not one, but FOUR songs written by myself. If you only choose to listen to one of them, listen to the final one (Cradle of Heaven), as it is a duet I wrote specifically for this fanfiction, as something that the reader wrote to play together with Daniela. The links to these songs will be within the fanfiction itself, at relevant times. Past Chapters: Pt. 1: Nocturne, Pt. 2: Overture, Pt. 3: Accelerando, Pt. 4: Toccata, Pt. 5: Poco a Poco, Pt. 6: Elegy, Pt. 7: Harmony, Pt. 8: Obbligato, Pt. 9: Berceuse, Pt. 10b: Hymn AMAB

Chapter 11: Cadence

(Cadence: Two chords that mark the end of a song)

The stage is set, the lights are dimmed, your heart pounds within your chest, and the world is yours. Soon, it will be Daniela’s. She is right by your side, as ever, hand gently taking hold of your own. There’s a silent reassurance in her grip, a reminder that the two of you have overcome a plethora of challenges. A promise that this will be no different. Both of you take a deep breath, in sync, before exchanging a quick kiss. All of your hard work has been leading up to the coming moments. Although you are beyond confident in your lover’s abilities, there is a shadow of doubt in the back of your mind. Not for her sake, but surrounding the expectations held by her mother, the standard against which you would be measured.

“Come hell or high water, Songbird, I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise,” Daniela whispers, squeezing your hand again, eyes unblinking as they stare into yours. “You’ve made every right choice, worked harder than anyone I know, and there is nothing more I can ask of you… except another kiss to celebrate afterwards, that is.” Giggling in response gives you the moment you need to relax, nerves fading into the background of your mind. “Now let’s put on a show the likes of which my mother has never seen, mhmm?”

THREE HOURS EARLIER:

“Here, you can borrow my brooch. It’s been in the family for generations, since before we even came to the village, passed down starting with an ancestor who crafted it himself, from materials he scavenged while fleeing his home country,” Daphne rambles, helping you attach the jewelry to your shirt. Thankfully, her hands do not tremble nearly as much as yours have been for the past hour. “I’m more than sure that Lady Daniela will tell you this much, but I feel the need to repeat just how good you look right now. I don’t know where the hell they’ve been hiding this version of our uniform, but damn do I wish I could get one for my next date with Ygritte. Seriously, if you can get one in my size, please do me that favor.”

“Anything for my best friend. Especially after all the times you’ve saved my ass these past few months,” you reply, pausing to give her shoulder an affectionate pat. If not for her constant interference running, someone would have certainly found out about your relationship with Daniela. “Speaking of that… of my life being on the line, I mean… no matter what happens today, no matter what Lady Dimitrescu decides, take care of yourself. You’ve gambled with your own blood to keep me safe, but what I’ve done, what I’ve risked, those were my choices. My consequences. The last thing I’d ever want is for you to pay for them, somehow.”

Rolling her eyes, Daphne gives you a playful shove to the chest, before smoothing out the fabric of your dress uniform. Now she refuses to meet your gaze, a familiar mistiness taking over her brown eyes.

“Nobody around here is stupid enough to think you’ll die today. You managed to get Lady Daniela, of all people, to stay focused long enough to learn some absolutely beautiful pieces of music. You have proved, time and time again, that you are a talented musician, teacher, and ‘servant’. So get out there and kick some metaphorical ass, my friend, because you are ready,” she finally says, offering you what seems to be a handshake. But as soon as your hand meets hers, she’s pulling you in for a hug, holding you tight for a solid minute. When at last you part, you give her what may very well be the last smile she’d ever see gracing your lips.

---------------------------

A hand’s edge against xer forehead, parallel to the ground, kept perfectly flat. From anyone else, it would be mockery. From xer? Honest salute, solidarity in a traditional form, accompanied by a sharp-toothed grin. Mimicking the expression, you wave at Ava, glad to see that xe would be awake for your concert. After your first night with your girlfriend, Daphne had helped arrange for someone to be your “cover story” for sleeping outside of your usual quarters. With Daniela’s input (and jealousy), only one candidate had revealed themselves, in the form of a (conveniently) mute butler with an inconsistent schedule, love of mischief, and somehow the respect of the Dimitrescu family. Now, xe appeared ready to escort you to the location of your trial by fire.

“Are you sure our mutual friend won’t be upset to see the two of us together?” You teased, knowing full well that Ava was one of the only people that Daniela trusted 100% around you. In response, xe gives an exaggerated shrug, then quickly links xer arm with your own. Together you march onwards to your destiny, amused by the way xe practically skipped down the hallway. Maybe there was a certain wisdom to xer shenanigans, a carefree philosophy that encouraged laughter in the face of death, and you embraced the thought with a smile.

Before long, however, the two of you encounter another unlikely pair headed towards the same destination: Lady Cassandra, looking somewhat embarrassed, with an unfamiliar maiden at her side. Their hands are clutching each other desperately, although neither of them dares to look at the other. Instead they both watch you closely from where they’ve paused in the corridor. Oddly unfazed, Ava gives them a short bow of acknowledgement, earning xer a brief nod from Cassandra. Seeming eager to move on, she addresses you quickly before gesturing for you to keep walking.

“Good luck. Don’t fuck this up for Daniela, or I’ll never hear the end of it,” she growls, doing her best to downplay her obvious concern. Wanting to let her keep up with her facade, you merely give a nod as you resume walking towards the concert stage. Soft footsteps behind you let you know that the strange pair are accompanying you. Still walking alongside you, Ava repeatedly glances behind you, putting out xer hands in the shape of a heart, giggling all the while. If you didn’t know any better, you would almost assume that xe wanted to get hit by Cassandra.

“Ava, please calm down. If you’re not careful, she’ll throw something at you. If she does that, you’ll probably dodge, and then I’ll probably end up getting hit, and then I’ll miss the concert, Lady Dimitrescu will kill me as punishment, Daniela will be sad and whiny about it, and none of you will have any peace for, like, a month. Three weeks, bare mims,” you tease, nudging xer in the ribs. Emphasizing a pout, xe sends one last look at Cassandra and her ‘friend’ (whose hand she was still holding onto like a lifeline), mouthing words you couldn’t parse. Based on the way Cassandra groans, it was something ridiculously cheesy. Regardless, xe behaves the rest of the way there…

ONE MINUTE TO SHOWTIME:

“I love you, Firefly, and I know that you’re going to do absolutely amazing out there. I’m so proud of you,” you murmur, pressing a feather-light kiss to Daniela’s cheek. As dearly as you wish to stay behind the curtain, in her arms, you know that the show was inevitable. With one last nod to your beloved, you part the fabric shielding you, stepping into the spotlight. Imaginary crowds grow hushed at your appearance, a sea of faces greeting you warmly. In truth, there are but five members in this audience, each gazing upon you with veiled interest. Donning you best presentation persona, you set this final act in motion. “Lady Dimitrescu, Lady Cassandra, Lady Bela, and Mx. Caldwell, it brings me great pleasure to present to you, on this day, a concert performed by your own Lady Daniela. For three months now I have acted as her instructor, and these three months have been, perhaps, the most rewarding of my entire life. I could not possibly be any more proud of her than I already am. Now, without further ado… let us begin!”

Stepping to the side, a tug of a rope has the curtains parting entirely, revealing your beloved, waiting ready at the piano. All at once your audience (including Cassandra’s partner, acting as a mere servant in the background) sits up with wide smiles. They look Daniela over, taking in the sight of her fanciest dress, and the way her eyes light up with joy. By the time her fingers begin dancing away at the keys, there is not a single ounce of anxiety in your entire soul. This first song is a relic from your past, a representation of an abandoned idea, yet she plays it like a celebration. It’s fast, hits hard, a bold take right out of the gate. Admittedly, it is also somewhat short. Nonetheless, it serves its purpose, igniting a spark of excitement in those present. Once the song ends, Daniela is surprised by the intensity of her family’s applause. In the back of her mind, she trembles with excitement, knowing that the best was yet to come.

Riding this wave of pride, she immediately settles into the next song, something slower but far grander. Affection thrums inside your chest as you watch your pupil perfectly execute another piece. You can only imagine what her mother must be feeling, to see just how far her daughter has come in such a short amount of time. A quick glance in Alcina’s direction reveals the barest hints towards her being impressed. For now that was enough to satisfy you. Soon enough her face would twist in surprise, as the second song ended, and a new face steps up onto the stage: Lady Bela. Wordlessly she retrieves her violin from the back of the stage, then turns to the front with a mischievous smile.

“Now, a duet! Presenting the ever-talented Lady Bela, to join Lady Daniela for a rendition of an original song, dubbed ‘Northern Lights’. Enjoy!” You call out, before once more taking your place at the side. While Daniela did not need you to count her in for her solo performances, this feels ever so slightly more important, and as such you do your best to conduct for the duration of the song. If either of the performers need it, they hide it well. Honestly, you weren’t sure if your girlfriend had looked your way even a single time so far. ‘Twas incredible to witness her. Akin to a siren, near glowing, taking to the stage as if born to grace its center. Even with Bela working her own magic, Daniela is ever the star. Together they weave a lovely song, notes rising high into the air, swirling around an enchanted audience.

When it ends, both performers give a bow, as if the entire affair had come to a close. Without hinting at what was to come, you switch places with the eldest Dimitrescu daughter. A deep breath rattles your ribcage as you find your center, reaching out to take Daniela’s hand, the two of you raising your arms upward in a display of union. For the first time this evening, Lady Alcina narrows her eyes in what feels like disapproval. But you pay her no mind. Instead you sit alongside your beloved, quietly settling into your practiced position.

There is no introduction for this song. No announcement, no showmanship, nor even a countdown into the symphony. Simply, like exhaling a breath, the two of you start to play. Your phrases echo hers, and vice versa, calling and answering, accompanying all the while, natural as anything holy in the wild. ‘Tis the second shortest song of the night, only long enough to showcase the degree of your partnership with Daniela. As the song crescendos into an ending, you manage to meet the gaze of your employer. Perhaps it is merely an illusion of hope, or a reflection of lights above, but you swear you see tears in her eyes.

“Outstanding, incredible,” she praises, rising to her feet alongside her other daughters, clapping all the while. Once again you rise to your feet, hand clasped with Daniela’s, bowing as deeply as you can manage. Before you can even process what’s happening, your girlfriend is being pulled away from you, swept up into the arms of her mother. Desperation digs like a knife into your heart, as you ache to celebrate with her, but you remain ever in the guise of a professional. “You did amazing, my dear. I cannot begin to describe how proud I am.” The family gathers around each other, buzzing with affection fit to make the hardest of hearts melt. You are left on the outside, awkwardly waiting, without a hint of acknowledgment.

Even if this concert was a measure of your skill as a teacher, Lady Dimitrescu had never bothered to consider you more than another servant. This night was about Daniela. About your secret girlfriend, the brightest star in all the skies. That is not something that bothers you, nor does it surprise you. All that makes you wish to weep is the desire to kiss her. To sweep her into your arms, with celebratory kisses, singing her name as a praise to higher powers. In the end, it takes several minutes for Daniela to pull away enough to move back to you, and even then she cannot give you the reaction she yearns for.

“I’ll come by to talk to you tonight, I promise,” she whispers, as she gives you the weakest hug you have ever felt. Then she is returning to her family, clinging to her mother with a massive grin. Soon enough you are left alone on stage, quiet surrounding you, mixed feelings gnawing at the pit of your stomach. Something feels… wrong. You cannot put a name to it. No one has hinted to you what your beloved has planned, for none but her even have a clue. As soon as she is alone with her mother, as soon as she has the smallest sliver of an opportunity, she knows what she must do. “Mother… we need to talk. I... I have a confession to make.”

[thefirsttree]

A personal update + my next game

OK, time to do this. I’ve been meaning to do a big DAVID WEHLE™ update for a while now and explain why I haven’t released a new game yet, but you know how life gets in the way. Especially when life is a quarantine hellscape, you have three beautiful, amazing, exhausting kids to raise, a spouse’s job you support, a viral YouTube channel that turns your brain to mush, a thousand emails waiting in your inbox since your game is free on the Epic Games Store (with an impressive number of redemptions too! … meaning lots of emails and customer support issues), etc., etc. What also contributes to my lack of updates is because… I just don’t really like posting online. Fascinating correlation, I know!

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a venting/ranting blog post (well, maybe a bit), because my life is seriously AMAZING and INSANELY BLESSED and LUCKY. I can’t believe how many dreams keep coming true, so much so that I feel I don’t deserve it and I really pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes… but I did want to at least be honest, because I owe that to myself.

Wow, where do I even begin? Well, how about we start with the reason I’m even a full-time indie game dev now: The First Tree. This small hobby project I worked on at night morphed into this gargantuan beast (or fox) that took over my life the past 5 years. Which is great! I’m living the dream! And yet, I really didn’t expect it to do as well as it did. At its core, my game is a slow-paced, sad walking simulator (ahem, I prefer the term “exploration game,” but you know what I mean) that somehow seemed to launch at the right time to the right audience. It resonated deeply with some of you, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I still get emails almost daily how my game changed their lives in some formative way. I’m beyond honored.

However, with that spotlight came criticism and demands from the ever-present, insatiable internet. I would randomly be surfing the gamedev subreddit trying to decompress, and I would see a comment by some rando saying how much I didn’t deserve my success, and how it was all one huge lucky fluke. And I believed them!

And to add to it, some devs considered me an indie marketing “guru”, which I was uncomfortable with. I worked hard to market my game every week, and after my GDC talk, people assumed marketing was my passion; the reason I got up every morning. Just to clarify… NO, I don’t like marketing, and I hate being the center of attention. I don’t like asking people for money and wishlists. But I did what was necessary because I was passionate about telling stories, and I wanted to give my story a fighting chance to be seen on the crowded pages of Steam.

So now, you’re probably wondering “well then David, why did you make fancy YouTube videos showing off your success? Not very modest if you ask me.” This honestly could be a long blog post all on its own, because my experience of putting myself in the spotlight and becoming a “content creator” is… complicated. It was an unusual step for me, especially since I never even showed my face online (as a game developer) until my GDC talk.

First off, I always wanted to teach and start a YouTube channel. I love video editing, especially since I’ve been doing it longer than making games! It’s a huge passion of mine. And teaching people who didn’t know they could make and finish games was a huge motivator (and it’s been so rewarding already). But the second reason is, I was scared. I was self-employed, and I was riding the success of a “huge lucky fluke” that would probably not happen again. I wanted to make sure I could provide for my amazing family, and give them food and health insurance and security in these tumultuous times. I was turning my lifelong passions and hobbies into a business, and it wasn’t as simple of a mental transition as I thought.

So, I went all in on YouTube and the accompanying online course called Game Dev Unlocked. I spent years editing the scripts and videos, and polishing them to a shine. At first, no one watched my videos, no one was buying… and in the blink of an eye, the YouTube algorithm picked up my main autobiographical video (“How Making Indie Games Changed My Life”), and I started getting 5,000 subscribers a day. Right now, I’m at 150,000 subs, which is still hard for me to believe. I always had a dream of earning 100k subs on YouTube, so I was pretty happy with the whole thing. Sales were OK, but mostly people didn’t want to buy the course. Then the emails came in…

Something you should know about me: I am a textbook “people pleaser,” and if someone asks for my help, I take it very seriously. If someone is mad at me, even if I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all I can think about, and it ruins my day. So, taking an onslaught of people begging for help and multiplying that by an impossible amount of people for my brain to truly comprehend thanks to the internet… and let’s just say it wasn’t a healthy mix.

I received thousands of emails from people who were begging me for some kind of reassurance that everything would be OK. That their dreams would come true too. And I wanted to help every single one of them. I went from a nobody working on a game for fun to becoming a spokesperson for the indie game dream. I couldn’t even get a shake from the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru without someone recognizing me and asking for game dev advice. And it didn’t stop there… I would get emails from suicidal kids asking for help, teenagers from Afghanistan asking me to get them out of their country, and on one occasion I received an email from a hopeful game developer in a war-torn country who had just experienced a bomb blowing up their neighboring village. His friends were dead, and he was hoping he could finish a game before he died too, and he needed my help. How do you say no to something like that? Didn’t I owe it to everyone because I was lucky with my hit game and I needed to “pay it forward”? (Something people constantly reminded me of)

And then to top it off, after you’ve given everything you’ve got to other people in need… you get hate mail in your inbox. You spend the whole day serving your children and strangers on the internet, then when the kids are finally asleep, you hit the bed to relax and take a look at your phone to decompress, and you randomly come across an angry gamer in your Twitter mentions telling you your game they got for free sucks, and that you took away a potentially great game from them and that your apology isn’t good enough.

Long story short, I went to a mental therapist for the first time in my life. I was broken trying to care for two toddlers and a new baby in a pandemic (which is very, very hard), taking care of my course students who gave me their hard-earned money and demanded results, and the countless people begging for help on the internet. I was this introverted, internet-lurker trying to take on the weight of the world. I was so tired and hurt that no one cared about me and my needs… only what I could do for them.

Quitting my day job and making this hobby my full-time job has stirred up… mixed emotions. This statement may disturb some of you, but I was definitely 100% happier when I had a full-time job and I was working on my game at night. I missed working with the amazing team at The VOID, working on Star Wars… back when the success of my game was this abstract thing I could only daydream about. Mostly, I was making my game for me with no outside expectations to pay the bills or satisfy the ever-demanding internet, and that brought me a lot of joy.

It’s not all doom and gloom though! I’m actually very happy now and in the best shape I’ve been since the pandemic started. I’ve had to confront my weaknesses and personality quirks, but I’m a better person for it (and I’m sure these issues would’ve come out eventually). I hired an awesome community manager for Game Dev Unlocked who is helping SO MUCH with the emails, I can’t even tell you the mental burden it alleviates. I even leased a co-working office to help separate work from my home, and that’s been a huge help too. I’ve decided to work with my old friends from The VOID on a cool, new VR experience. It will take me away from my projects a bit, but I’m ecstatic to work with a great team again (and not manage anything, whew).

These are all things I would’ve never guessed I needed, because I thought I knew myself pretty well… turns out I didn’t.

The reality is: running a business is HARD. Running it solo is even harder. You have to remember, I was burnt out on The First Tree well into the Steam release in 2017, but I kept working on it for 4 more years due to my fears of failing again and not earning enough money for my family.

So, I was wrestling with the age-old concept of commercialism and art. There was this dichotomy of doing whatever I wanted and being true to my vision (what most people assume the indie dev dream is like), and doing only what customers wanted to buy. This is something that has killed me with YouTube… in one specific instance, I was super excited to make the exact video I wanted to make. I loved every part of its creation, and I thought it had a message that would inspire everyone. I lovingly edited it over several weeks, posted it, and excitedly waited for the stats… and it was by far my worst performing video.

This is not a new problem. Even the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo was a commission forced upon him by the very violent Pope Julius II. My wife and I regularly talk about the fine balance between artistic integrity and commercialism, a problem she is very familiar with as an artist who constantly needs to balance what she wants to make with what the customer wants to hang up in their home.

For The First Tree, I was lucky. It was pretty much what I wanted to make (I had to compromise a lot of things of course), and it turned out millions of people wanted it too. Recently, I thought the safe business decision would be to do it all over again, so I started work on a spiritual successor to The First Tree (an idea that I may revisit one day since I do love the story idea). But that isn’t happening anytime soon. Trust me when I say I am now currently burnt out on animal exploration games.

So that realization left me with a question: what do I do next?

I’ve decided I need to make a game that I want to make, for me. It will be a bit different and I’m almost certain most fans of The First Tree will not love it… but it’s an idea that gets me super excited. It’s an idea that could help me fall in love with game development again.

A few more details: this game will be story-driven, first-person, and will use the Unreal Engine. That means development is gonna be slow going, because I have to learn a whole new tool. The “smart business” decision would be to make something quickly in Unity which I’m already familiar with… but I want to do this for me, and UE5 looks like a lot of fun. I’m also shooting for an early-ish release date so I avoid burn out and I keep the game short: I want to release it in Fall 2022, but knowing game development, it will probably take longer.

With the help of my therapist, I’ve also concluded that I’ve been too accessible on the internet and that my self-worth isn’t determined by the amount of people I try to help online. Of course, I love helping people and seeing them succeed, but I need to step back and focus on my family and myself. I will delete my social media apps on my phone (I will still post big updates occasionally) and stop responding to most emails, tweets, DMs, etc. It’s not that I’m ungrateful… in fact, if I don’t say thank you or at least acknowledge the incredibly nice people who share a sweet message about my game or want to tell me how I inspire them (still hard for me to believe, lol), I feel a ton of guilt… but I need to let that go. Please know I’m extremely grateful to all the fans who follow my work, so even if I don’t thank you directly, I truly mean it: thank you.

I will still post and stream occasionally on YouTube when I want to (and I still do live Q&A’s for my GDU students). The online course sales will help support my family as I work on a potentially risky game idea (and my new job will help alleviate the risk too). I’m gonna try one more marketing experiment and sell a mini-course soon (and add an Unreal section), and after that I’m done working on it. A gigantic thank you to the people who bought my course and are part of the amazing community, it has helped me and my family tremendously, and it’s inspiring seeing the games you make!

I’m a bit worried about the whole thing since this new game idea could flop, which could definitely affect my family. But a sappy, high-school yearbook quote is coming to mind…  I think it applies here: “A ship in harbor is safe—but that is not what ships are built for.”

Thanks for reading,

David

[feelingofcontent]

DNP Rewatch: TAKE A PSYCHOLOGY TEST WITH ME!

Date video was published: 09/14/2017 (X)

DNP Main Channel Rewatch: 358

Phil loves a personality quiz.

0:00 - the corgi shirt!

0:04 - well that’s good; the slime video was so messy

0:11 - I love that about Phil’s content; always something different!

0:20 - it’s been a while since Phil had done a “play along” type video

0:30 - I had never heard of this test before this Phil video

0:42 - I’ve watched this video too recently to do this myself; I already know what the “results” of most of the questions are

1:08 - I don’t know about Phil’s “narration voice” 😂

1:13 - “my mind just went to Captain America” wonder why that could be... also, there was no way he could say “Dan” for this at this point in time (especially if he hadn’t looked up what the test says the answers mean before this video, although I would guess he had)

1:24 - love Phil getting angry at the quiz immediately

1:40 - “irrelevant mammoth tangent” I love Phil so much. he’s so excited about this

2:17 - I like hearing what Phil says for the questions that require not just a one-word answer

2:22 - no male-Siri-voice at this point

2:47 - oooo, the “dream house” question is particularly interesting now! this would have been shortly before/around the time they decided to buy a house

2:57 - “a swanky penthouse with enough room for a dog to run around” I have to imagine the forever home is some sort of penthouse; they mention that as being a “dream” way too much

3:26 - I like that he chose to depict this in editing

3:47 - metal is a strange thing to think of for a cup

4:10 - he’s sticking to the “central park” theme here

4:36 - Phil always seems slightly afraid of being judged/revealing too much when he does “personality” type quizzes on camera

4:43 - giggly Phil at Captain America being “the most important person in your life”

4:50 - “it makes my heart melt” loud Phil!

5:10 - lots of “thinking Phil” in this. also starting to share a bit more about his anxieties than he had in the past

5:43 - “passive” with his problems seems pretty accurate from what we know about Phil

5:53 - Phil with the advice! that is pretty rare

6:00 - Final Fantasy as a reward for dealing with a problem

6:07 - ambitious-Phil also seems pretty accurate

6:28 - this one is less accurate

6:33 - 100% with Phil on this. if someone shows up at my house without telling me...NOPE

6:46 - lol at the editing with the popcorn, Eliza Pancakes, and the Undertale flower

6:47 - I am surprised he didn’t have food in his picture, but I wonder it it’s because DNP would usually eat on the couch and not at their dining table, so he doesn’t associate having food on the actual table day-to-day

7:09 - going off the rails a a bit here because of that “Captain America” answer 😂

7:21 - it is hilarious if you were reading his answers here as if he had chosen Dan for the first question, and then he throws the metal cup in the trash

7:35 - “a dirty puddle” the back half of these results are something else

7:41 - annotation call-out of his own mis-speak

7:54 - he did not comment much on that one

8:08 - he is about to leave for holiday after filming this!

This is another more “filler” type of video from Phil in 2017, but I still find him entertaining as usual. I also love his comment in the description: “p.s don't take your results too seriously! It's probably all wrong.”

Phil posted this while DNP were on holiday in the Mediterranean again from September 10 to September 18. They posted quite a bit for a holiday, including fish feeding, coloring, snorkeling adventures, the Dan in the donut pool photo, Phil showing a lot of leg, Phil’s “dive” that Tom Daley commented on, a soft selfie from Phil, and an intense one from Dan. They also were posting very consistent gaming videos around this time.

[bookwyrminspiration]

Hey! It's June. I haven't read Stellarlune yet, but I'm excited to discuss it with you! Also, I've followed through with working on myself, and I'm feeling better now. No more depression. I dedicate myself to projects and events, study more and started reading Six Of Crows. Things with my parents had gotten better too! Then lately, something's been happening again. I'm taking your advice and staying out of it. I listen if they want to talk, but don't comment. Do you think it's the right choice?

June! Hello!! I haven't heard from you in a while, so it's wonderful to see you. I hope whenever you read Stellarlune, you enjoy it! I won't say more for spoiler reasons, but I look forward to discussing it :)

I'm so so thrilled to hear that you're doing/feeling better--seriously, that takes a lot of work; I'm proud of you! Just know that if things start to worsen, that doesn't mean working towards getting better is useless or doesn't work. Fluctuations are part of being alive and they happen to everyone. Mentally I'm setting off some confetti cannons (hopefully a quiet version) to celebrate your accomplishments!

I've also read the Six of Crows duology! It's been a while, but I remember thoroughly enjoying it. And it's definitely popular for a reason, so I hope it scratches whatever literary itches/fills whatever literary niches suit your fancy. I'm trying to remember if I had a favorite character, but they were each so lovable that no one is standing out over another.

Sorry to hear that things between your parents have gotten rough again--I know it's not my fault and doesn't have anything to do with me, just trying to express empathy towards you. But yeah, like I've said, your parents situation isn't your responsibility.

I think whether or not it's the "right" choice is a difficult question, because there's not a clear right and wrong. The way I'd think of it is that it's more of a balance between what you want to do for others and what you need to do for yourself. There's nothing wrong with listening if they want to talk, and there's nothing wrong with voicing your opinions or trying to persuade people either way. It becomes a problem when doing so starts to cost you--like before, when you talked about how stressful and powerless it could make you feel. In that case, you were involved to a point that it was negatively affecting you. So you needed to take care of yourself, even though you wanted to help.

So if listening is something you can do while enforcing your own boundaries and supporting your own mental health, then absolutely continue doing that if you want to! Just be aware of your own well-being as you figure out what you're comfortable with. And there is absolutely no shame in changing your mind; if you do something and later realize you need to take a step back, that's 100% okay.

Again, that's just how I would think of things and I'm just one person. But regardless of what's going on with your parents, I'm proud of you for putting in the effort to work on yourself and to improve. That's a huge accomplishment and you should absolutely acknowledge and reward yourself for it!!

I hope you have an absolutely splendid day/night!! It's seriously such a delight to hear from you <3