#and months later the first ex friend wrote me a message with no ability to reply to them. :)

[purring-tiefling]

fuck my ex friend frfr

[writer-panda]

Hit on the groom and what became of it - chapter 1/I will keep missing you (if you don’t stop running)

Disclaimer: I don’t own DC or Miraculous. I’m just playing with some crazy concept. 

Chapter 1 (here)  -|-  Next

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Ladybug landed on top of the Eiffel tower with practiced grace. An agitated worry roiling in her chest about the message Chat Noir left her. The urgency was one thing, but he sounded… pained. Like the weight of the world dragged him down type pain. 

Marinette knew Chat’s home life wasn’t perfect. Skilled at hiding it, maybe, but details leaked through the cracks. An offhand comment here, a muttered accusation there, a sour face yet again here. He lived in pain and tried so hard to work through it. 

She tried to help him whenever she could, both as Ladybug and Marinette. She may not return his feelings, but she always listened. For months during their third year as heroes, she left food on the rooftop when Chat’s suit revealed too many ribs. She wasn’t sure the reason and didn’t dare to ask, lest she learned too much, but she did try to help. There were times she thought she imagined the pained looks, and thin frame, and thinly veiled comments; maybe overexaggerating the situation in her mind, as she often did. After all, he always acted so cheerfully.

Then, Lila happened. 

The first strike landed swift, almost deadly, but she survived. It was what followed that made her reconsider. A prolonged fight, where Marinette chose to retain a cheerful mask to hide the pain. Along the line, she considered confiding in her parents. But what could they do?  Maybe take her from school, but that would mean Lila already won; the Liar would rule unopposed.

Which left Adrien, her last bastion of friendship. 

She still harbored a bit of a crush on him, but it was justified! Like a knight in shining armor, he stood, always ready to defend her. He always ensured her inclusion in class activities and saved her from several catastrophes. 

She still stumbled over her words with him, but when it’s minor stuttering or not talking to anyone, she forced herself to adapt. It was nowhere near as bad as it used to be. 

With the ability to spend more time with Adrien without acting like a spaz, Kagami also appeared more often, and proved to be a good friend. Marinette found a home with the two awkward rich kids ridiculously clueless and unaware of how the real world functioned. In the end, she even grew to accept Adrien might not be destined to be hers but chose to support him nonetheless. 

“My lady?” She was broken out of her musing by a familiar voice.

“Hello, Kitty-cat. I got your message… what’s wrong?” She turned to see Cat Noir slumped over the railing, with his ears tweaking nervously. She didn’t even know he could do it. 

“I… I’m sorry my Lady, but I can’t… I can’t continue to be your partner,” he declared.

“What?!” she squeaked. “What happened? What’s the matter?” 

“I’m… I’m getting married,” he announced, his ears drooping and tail tucked between his legs.  

Oh, that’s… not what she expected to hear. “Married? Congrat…” she drifted off, noticing his sour face. “Chat? What are you not telling me?”

“It’s… I… My…” He struggled to figure out how to say it, but ultimately remained silent for a moment. “There is nothing to be happy about. It’s a… business marriage,” he spat, his eyes narrowing.  

“But… those are illegal!” Ladybug protested.

“Not when you make it look like a love match. Especially if you insinuate at a scandal.” He sneered, jumping off the railing and pacing along the empty rooftop. “My father holds all the cards and I… I’m in no position to oppose him.”

“I’m sure we can…”

He sighed, walking over to her. “Please… M’lady. Don’t try to give me hope. I accepted what I must do.” With that, he reached for the ring, but she stopped him.

“Chat. We can try… You’re my friend. You can’t… We will figure it out. Together.” In all they’d endured, suffered, and triumphed - Marinette had never seen him this despondent… this broken. 

He sighed, his eyes flat and dull. “There is nothing to figure out,” he said, forcing the ring off his finger. 

The transformation fell, leaving Adrien Agreste materialized in place of her long-time partner. Plagg’s sharp cry cut off, as he’s sucked into the ring the second he popped out of it. She stood there, too stunned to notice the blond boy pushed the ring into her palm and closed it. 

Marinette wasn’t sure what thoughts decided to rampantly rage through her head, but the train of thoughts probably broke the collective speed limit everywhere in the world at the same time. 

“M’lady?” Adrien’s soft voice brought her to earth when she was one step from panic.

“A-Adrien?” She choked on the word.

“You heard about me?” He looked dumbfounded. Ladybug, too shocked to say a word, gestured over to the building line. Even from so high and far away, his most recent billboard advertisement stood visible. “Ah… right.”

“Who… who’s the lucky girl?” Inside her mind, she wondered if Kagami right now faced a  similar problem. It was the most logical…

“Lila Rossi,” Adrien admitted, his shoulders hunching. 

Marinette.exe stopped working. 

A moment passed.

Another.

“Um… M’Lady?” The boy tried to prod his ex-partner to respond by waving his hand in front of her face.

“That… that lying…” Ladybug saw red. This could not be happening.

Adrien nodded, the despondent look on his face growing worse every second.“My father deemed her a suitable heiress to the Gabriel brand… I tried to warn him she was a liar, but he… I think he actually admires her skill…” Tears built in his eyes, and Adrien covertly tried to wipe them away. 

“Maybe… maybe you could… I don’t know!” she screamed in frustration. Marinette had several ideas about what Adrien could do, but none of them would help. 

Running away would be a problem. Leaking the story to the press would lead to his home life growing even worse. After dealing with Gabriel Agreste’s parenting, she held no illusion Adrien could win a court battle. The rich too often got away with whatever they desired. She could try to sicc Uncle Jagged on the case… or maybe Clara Nightingale… Nadia Chamack would probably love the news-breaking story, but it would all put Adrien in danger. Who knows what would happen before they could obtain results or protection against Gabriel’s extensive reach. 

Adrien sighed as if knowing exactly where her thoughts took her. Chat was no dummy, he probably scoured over his options more times than he could count. His resignation, the last resort in a long line of failed plans.  “I appreciate you trying, but I already told you I accepted it. Just… take me down, please. I… I didn’t really plan the location well…” He let out a weak chuckle. 

“Fine… I’m sorry kitty...” She grabbed hold of him and swung to the ground. Despondently she watched her best friend, her partner, walk away into the night; resigned to a life of suffering and isolation. 

There must be something she could do, she thought. She closed a gloved fist around the ring. She was Ladybug, and if she put her mind to it, there was nothing she couldn't do.  

-----------

A week later the press learned about the upcoming wedding. Adrien and Lila both left school for home-school. The press and the general public ate up the news story about star-crossed lovers that met in school and became inseparable. It didn’t help that the class kept commenting about how good they were for each other. 

Marinette resisted an urge to gag whenever she caught the sound of the vicious lies and propaganda.  She was asked for comment only once but chose to refuse. It didn’t earn her any popularity in class. Luckily, she convinced Nadia to stop a nasty side-story about her jealousy from being published. 

No closer to a plan, she despondently continued to push through her life without her friend. She, unsurprisingly, hadn’t received a single text or call. Marinette didn’t blame Adrien; his position couldn’t be easy. A month after Adrien departed from her class, Marinette convinced her parents to also home-school her. Without a single friend, the school became a burden. Of course, her reasoning to her parents leaned into her focus on her fashion business. Which wasn’t untrue. It was starting to pick up. 

The only upside to this whole debacle was near-lack of akuma attacks. It seemed Hawkmoth found a hobby. Maybe he wrote poems? 

Nah. Not his style...

Two months after the announcement  Marinette woke to surprise guests: Adrien, his father, and Lila knocked on the bakery’s doors. The bride-to-be in an especially sour mood, as much as she tried to hide it. Gabriel appeared to be devoid of any emotions, as usual.

She seated them on the couch and asked if they would like a drink. She didn’t bother to offer food, not wanting to waste good cake on the likes of Lila and Gabriel. Although, Adrien’s thin cheeks and haunted eyes made her regret the decision. 

All of them declined the drink.

“Madame Marinette, I assume you have heard of the Wedding?” The capitalization clearly discernible in his voice. 

“Yes… Yes sir!” she corrected herself. Trying desperately to mask her disgust behind a layer of nervousness. She couldn’t risk a glance at Adrien, even if this was the first time she’d seen him since that night on the roof. Making it through the meeting would be hard enough without watching him suffer.  

“While initially, I planned to prepare the dress and suit myself, my son convinced me to give a chance to someone else to shine.” Clearly, whatever it was Adrien said, it didn’t include a polite request. “I have seen the dress you made for Rock Star Jagged Stone’s wedding, as well as the suit worn by Nadia Chamack.”

“They are designs I’m particularly proud of, sir.” 

Play the part. Play the part. Don’t send him to the hospital. Papa and Maman would be disappointed. Well, Maman would probably join me… 

Her homicidal train of thought ended as she forced a smile to appear on her face. Contrary to Lila’s stretched thin lips;  Marinette’s smile shines bright and could’ve been mistaken for genuine.

“Indeed… I’ve come to commission you to design and make the gown and the suit for the sweet couple.” He announced like it was the highest honor, but there was an amount of bile in his words Marinette used to think was reserved only for Nino.

“I… I’m… I’m honored, sir!” She beamed. The excitement only half-forced. Her moral compass told her even entertaining the proposal was wrong, but at the same time, her brain furiously flitted crafting possibilities. 

Gabriel nodded imperiously as if her acceptance merely added to a foregone conclusion. “Good. My assistant, Nathalie, will sort out the details. Lex Luthor agreed to pay for the pieces as his wedding gift, so do not be afraid to ask for full price.” He informed her t as if he believed she would give him a discount. 

For a moment, a singular reckless moment, Marinette entertained the temptation to voice her thoughts about Gabriel being cheap. 

She sighed, no, there would be another day for career suicide. The group rose to leave, and Marinette finally glanced at Adrien; his model-trained smile paper-thin. He caught her eyes, and if he radiated sadness two months ago, it didn’t hold a candle to the devastation swimming in his eyes. The exchange broke when Lila gripped a hand tight around his arm and dragged him to the door. 

Gabriel handed her a card, and the group departed. Marinette collapsed onto the couch, the makings of a headache building in her skull. 

This would be awful.  

------------

A week later Marinette held a separate meeting, consisting of Nathalie, Lila, Lila’s mother, and Adrien’s aunt. And her, obviously. 

She first asked what kind of dress Lila wanted.

Lila’s eyes lit up in an unholy glee; and she started talking. 

And talking. 

And talking. 

And talking. 

After the long and painstakingly thorough description, Marinette felt faint. Several reasons contributed to that, although the most prominent were the materials, the design, and the way she spoke. Obviously Lila had feelings, the kind likely to trigger an oncoming Auma attack if Hawkmoth hadn’t pranced off to who knows where, about Marinette designing her dress. 

Marinette was happy Adrien’s aunt pointed out the request’s complete madness, but Lila’s mother waved it off, quick to declare only minor adjustments to the request would be needed. 

In the end, Marinette presented several dozen designs, both hers and foreign to have a basis on which she could work. Lila, of course, chose the one that would be hardest to make.

“I’m sorry none of your designs were good, Marinette…” The liar cooed with faked sorrow. She hid a smirk the designer could clearly see. 

The notion was born because it was a picture and not a sketch. 

Marinette smirked, and rose from the couch, ignoring Lila’s irritated scowl at her non-reaction.  

She liked it even less when the girl brought in the ready-made dress. 

“I made it as the first design for Penny Rolling’s wedding, based on Uncle Jagged’s suggestions. I should’ve known Penny didn’t approve of his idea, but…” she waved it off.

Lila, now actively glaring at her, sat back on the couch. All of which was mistaken for amazement by the adults.

Marinette ignored the girl’s dramatics, it was the only way she’d survive this meeting intact. “Of course, there still needs to be several adjustments and personalizations. I will also need to order the amber you requested. And the platinum thread. And the white gold. And probably an industrial-grade 3-D printer… Is that covered by the expenses?” She looked at Nathalie, who nodded. “Great! I will need just a moment.” 

The women watched as Marinette practically leaped at her notebook and added in adjustments to the sketch. Fifteen minutes later, when she presented a new design, impressing them all (sans Lila, obviously) with the flowing lines and intricate details. They praised her talent (even Natalie), and Marinette played the bashful young designer role to a tee. The liar kept glaring though. She couldn’t back away easily, since she already made a scene about wanting that specific dress. Marinette informed them beforehand she would need to know about her specific wishes before she made any adjustments. 

The final design looked pretty much exactly what Lila wanted though, but she didn’t want to give her nemesis the satisfaction. Her entourage did enough of this. 

Under the cover of being too emotional, they ended the meeting. Nathalie remained to finish the deal and sign the contract. 

After all of them left, Marinette collapsed onto her chair. An hour later a notification from her bank came. She received the first half of the payment. When finished, the dress would officially be the most expensive wedding dress to date. Blessed be Lex Luthor and his deep pocket. She chuckled, remembering how much the billionaire got kidnapped because of his money.

Then, an idea shined in her head.

Oh. 

Oh...

She took off her earrings and dismissed Tikki, promising she needed a quick chat with Plagg about a new potential holder. When Marinette put on the ring, the Kwami of destruction popped back into existence. 

“So… figured out how to help my chosen?” he asked. 

What Tikki didn’t know was when Marinette said she intended to discuss potential holders for Plagg, they really worked on a way to save Adrien. It was their secret since Tikki would most likely disapprove. They didn’t want to risk her disappointment in them. Not until they crafted a fleshed out full-proof plan. 

She nodded. “I have an idea. Let’s hire someone to kidnap him!” 

Plagg rolled his eyes. “Did they hit you on the head, pigtails?”

“No. But look, the problem is whatever we come up with, Adrien ends up blamed or we land ourselves in jail, right?” The Kwami nodded. “So… if we make sure it’s a very public kidnapping and he disappears, we can stash him away until the heat dies down. After we dye his hair and apply fast-tan, he will look different enough no one will connect the two. I’m pretty sure I could get my hands on fake documents if I tried hard enough…” she trailed off thinking of all the minutiae to coordinate to pull this off. 

It would be hard. 

But it would be worth it. 

Plagg slowly nods. “Okay… Somehow, that both makes no sense and seems perfectly legitimate. It’s also your most chaotic plan to date, Pigtails. Let’s do it!” The Kwami cheered, happy to be soon reunited with his chosen kitten. “But what about the costs!”

Marinette already had an answer in mind for that question. “Even after I subtract the costs of materials and other supplies, the payment for the dress, together with my savings, will be more than enough. Now… let’s go wake Tikki up.”

That… ended with the Kwami of Creation vomiting a pile of handcuffs and other police gear at Marinette. 

“Um… Why?”

The little red Kwammi placed her paws on her hips. “Because you should familiarize yourself with those if you plan on going to prison for that plan. It’s no longer just a phone theft, Marinette! You’re talking about breaking more laws than I can count!” She dropped to the pillow below, bemoaning about where she went wrong. 

Marinette scooped up her wayward friend and tried to reassure her. “I just need to be careful. I’m pretty sure I can do it without detection. Maman taught me how to not be seen on the internet. Or in general. Come on. I need to order a secure laptop.”

“I will help!” Plagg offered. “I can cataclysm the internet after you do your thing.”

“What?! No! Think of the cute cat pictures!” Marinette protested. “And video games.” 

“Relax! It’ll just remove any trace of you doing anything online in the several hours or so…” He calmed her.

Tikki trailed after them, a bundle of nerves and worry. “Plagg! It’s irresponsible! You can’t possibly…”

“Pigtails and I have it all under control. What’s the worst that could happen?”

---------

Turns out, a lot. 

Before Marinette put out the hit (kidnapping, she made sure that it was plain as day), she needed to set a price. That one was harder. It wasn’t like you could Google how much you needed to charge to kidnap a celebrity. At least, not without attracting a lot of unwanted attention. 

She asked her mother, under the guise of pure curiosity. It was a normal question any teenage girl asked her mother. How much does it cost to have someone killed, how much cheaper/more expensive a kidnapping is, how to acquire fake documents, that kind of stuff. Not suspicious at all. 

So absorbed in her rant, she missed a merry glint in Sabine’s eyes. She also didn’t question how her Maman knew those prices. 

Finally, she needed to fill the form. 

Assignment: Acquisition and Delivery

Asset(s): Adrien Athanase Agreste

Value: 

Here, Marinette paused. 

Her mom gave her a lengthy lecture about pricing and all. According to her, a professional would take up to fifty thousand dollars for kidnapping and bringing the target to her. Marinette decided, since Adrien was a celebrity, she should double the price. More risks involved, more reward, right? 

But, she also wanted to ensure she hired the best of the best. Compare her work to Gabriel Agreste’s, she came to the conclusion ten times the price was reasonable to ensure only the best in the field would take the job. 

Then, there was the matter of safety and so on and so on. By the end, she settled on two million dollars, as her asking price for one Adrien Agreste. Plagg sagely nodded, agreeing with her assessment. Tikki didn’t comment, as she wasn’t speaking to the two, but also seemed more accepting after spying on Adrien and Lila’s home life. Not that she revealed that tidbit to either of them, lest they drop the plan and directly go at Gabe and the Liar. 

After a few more details and boxes in the form Marinette filled until she came to the end. Only one more detail remained: 

Sponsor:

Marinette stared at the word for a moment. After a quick race of thoughts, she typed slowly. 

Sponsor: The Seamstress

Perfect. Nothing about this could go wrong.

Of course, how could she predict just how big of a mess she would make? 

----------

[let-me-write-shit]

So, I had this idea for a harry imagine where they met during the 1D days and they took a trip for the summer alone and Harry wrote 'Summer love' for the reader. Then the reader got famous with a solo album and they never saw each other after that summer besides award shows and stuff. But then the reader puts out a song 'Summer by Kesha' which is a response to Summer love and Harry approaches the reader after the Brits (where she preformed) and wants to reconnect. You can end it yourself ❤️.

A/N: First Imagine after having covid. I’ve been trying to write this for weeks and my head was stuffy half the time, so I hope this turned out okay. Sorry it took so long. <3

Word Count: 4,378

Requests are OPEN! If you have a request for a blurb, oneshot, imagine, whatever, Send me a message HERE!!!

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Summer Love

It was always there; that weird underlying tension that fizzled in the air after releasing a particularly personal song. It was easy to write about, and even to perform in front of thousands of strangers, but when it came to interviews it seemed more difficult. Doubts started to settle in and you’d start to kick yourself about releasing something so obvious.

Y/N should be used to the feeling by now. She’s been doing this, professionally, for nearly six years now, and although she quickly and easily built thick skin, always pulling herself out of potentially awkward questions without getting too in-depth about personal meanings of songs and whom they might be about, always handling it with the right amount of grit and edge, to be performing at an award show in front of hundreds of fellow musicians whom she’s looked up to for years was a terrifying prospect. Especially considering he would be watching from the audience as she performed a song written about him.

She didn’t intend for this to happen. She didn’t even want to perform that song. But when she tried to fight against it, they almost pulled her out of performing and it wasn’t worth being cut. It was her first year performing at the Brits and her third year attending. She was still fairly new on the scene despite the amount of time she had been recording, and this was her biggest year in her career so far since the release of her new single. It was mostly due to the rumors behind the song, though the rumors did hold some truth.

She wrote it in response to a song He released about her years ago, but she’d been thinking of the right words to say and the perfect song to write for so long that she was sure people had forgotten by now. Back then, Y/N was too afraid to sing in front of people. But her stage fright didn’t affect her ability to make new friends. She was a wild child at heart and could make friends anywhere she went. She just happened to meet all the right friends in all the right places and it worked out in her favor. It’s how she met him in the first place. Y/N was lucky, and she knew it.

It was about ten years ago, now, when One Direction was dominating the scene. They had just finished their first tour and were on a short break for the summer when some of the boys attended a little party of a mutual friend of Y/N’s. She remembered the first time she saw him. His curly hair unruly and his dimples dreamy. It was at that party that she and Harry exchanged numbers. That was the start of it all.

They had spent nearly every day that summer together. Their differences in behavior would have a huge impact on each other and would set a tone in their own personalities for years to come. Y/N’s wild spirit and carefree energy was something Harry tried to implement in his life as often as he could. It was because of Y/N that he took more risks and started living increasingly by his own rules where he could. And Harry showed her peace. His calm and acceptance taught her how to take a step back and relax. They were yin and yang.

That summer was one they’d never forget and would find themselves randomly thinking about for years after, Getting high, drunk, hanging with friends, kissing until their lips hurt, sex whenever they could get an ounce of privacy, laughing until they cried. Two stupid teenagers having the time of their lives.

The thing about spending so much intimate time with someone for nearly two months was that you’d start to actually fall for them. Harry was the first to say the words ‘I love you’. Their friends would joke and make fun of them for thinking it would be anything more than a summer fling. How could it? They were having too much fun together. All of Harry’s friends loved Y/N, and Harry was the first person outside of her immediate family to hear her sing and encourage her to pursue music. Neither of them wanted it to end. But as August turned to September they both knew. They were young and naive to think it could last.

Y/N remembered the last time they saw each other. She found herself often thinking about it when she was sad and alone. They were at a private beach and the water was too rough to swim in so they stayed on the sand and talked. Harry was about to leave for London the next day and Y/N would be starting back at school soon. They whined about how they didn’t want summer to end. Y/N started getting emotional and Harry began to cry, too. They kissed and cuddled, crying to each other. They told each other that they’d try to keep in touch, but they both knew this was goodbye.

Pictures of them together leaked of that day and rumors began to spread like wildfire. It got even crazier when their next album came out and they released a song called ‘Summer Love’. Fans immediately linked it to the leaked pictures of her and Harry at the beach and her social media blew up with people in her DMs asking for details and stories that she never entertained.

She got angry. How could he write a song about her but not keep in contact? She started pouring herself into her music. It was barely two years later that one of her friends introduced her to a producer and she began to make music. No one expected her career to gain momentum so quickly. Her, least of all. She had no clue what it took to be famous and the first year was the hardest. Especially the interviews.

It was difficult, at first, figuring out how to navigate her ‘girl next door’ image when she couldn’t seem to break free from the narrative of being one of Harry Styles's ex-girlfriends. It would be brought up in nearly every interview and it got tiring. That’s when Y/N made the decision to stop caring about her ‘image’ and to be true to herself. She started shutting down questions related to her personal relationships and showed more of her goofy and real side. Eventually, it became less about Harry and more about how people connected with her as a person. Y/N was refreshing to see amongst all the same talent that’s been on the scene for a while.

There were times where Y/N and Harry would attend the same events and cross paths. He definitely remembered her and they’d share a quick nod or wave in passing, but they’d always be whistles in different directions, unable to speak. Until one event, in particular, last year.

Nothing crazy happened. It was just a fundraiser dinner and a lot of celebrities were in attendance. There were theatrical performances and a few bands playing while they ate, along with intermittent speeches and auctions. Photographers and videographers circled the hundreds in attendance, getting some behind the scene shots, but for the most part, everyone just mingled.

Y/N brought her manager and boyfriend at the time, and she sat at a table with James Corden, his wife, and manager, as well as a few other lesser-known celebs that were more into the business aspect of things. Everyone was talking. She found out that James’s wife was a big fan of hers and they were all laughing at something Y/N said, making promises to be on his show again soon, when a figure loomed behind them, tapping James on the shoulder but getting everyone’s attention, turning to see Harry.

“Oh, Harry! Hello mate! How are you doing?” James asked, attempting to hug him from his seat.

“Alright, man, how are you?” Harry asked, grinning coyly and awkwardly, waving at the rest of the table, “Hello!” and then he looked at Y/N, eyes glistening and nodding, “Hi.”

“Hey,” she grinned back nicely, tight-lipped, as her boyfriend’s arms snaked around her waist, pulling her just a little closer to him.

Her boyfriend, well-known for having a famous dad, had no clue of the history between Y/N and Harry but was a fairly jealous guy. He didn’t trust anyone around Y/N and it was something she resented in their relationship.

Harry turned his attention back to James after eyeing the couple, “I was just checking to see if you’d be performing tonight, too?” Harry joked, “Maybe a little number from Into The Woods?” he smirked, earning a laugh from the table and roars from James.

“No, no. They can’t afford me,” James played along.

“It’s a charity, James,” Harry shot back, “Or maybe they were worried people would walk out.”

“Excuse you! That musical had eleven nominations and three awards, thank you very much!” James laughed, pointing out the empty seat across from him and Y/N, “Would you like to join us?”

Harry agreed, taking the seat, and he stayed there for the rest of the night. He talked with everyone at the table, watched the speeches, and listened to bands play. Eventually, he got enough courage to start conversing more with Y/N, shocked to find that, although she’s grown in the last several years and had a pretty shitty boyfriend, she was still relatively the same carefree, wild spirit he met at that party.

They talked about the release of his first solo album and his time on his first solo tour. They talked about how she was working on a new album herself and the recent interview she had with James that seemed to be a contender for most-viewed. Harry had seen it, as well. He was enjoying being in her company again but could do without her boyfriend that seemed to butt-in at every chance he could. And from the looks of it, Y/N was annoyed about it, as well.

By the end of the night, Harry was kicking himself for not getting her number. As he lay alone in bed, those memories of that summer began flooding back as it did every few months since, and speaking with her today struck him. He felt nostalgic, missing their sandy kisses and midnight strolls. How they used to stay up all night talking on the phone just to see each other again when the sun rose. He contemplated reaching out via Instagram or Twitter but ultimately decided that she had long since gotten over him and that there was no point considering she had a boyfriend.

Except that wasn’t true. The whole car journey back to her hotel, Y/N sat in silence recalling every moment of the night and longing for that old connection for Harry back. The second she and her boyfriend got back to her room, she grabbed her notebook, ignoring her boyfriend’s beckons to join him in bed, and went to work. It was the fastest song she had ever written, taking a total of two hours. And she broke things off with her boyfriend not two weeks later. The news broke in less than twenty-four hours and it was the top story for weeks.

She almost didn’t include the song in her album, but at the last minute, she decided to add it. She figured enough time had passed where people wouldn’t know who it was about. She was wrong. Big time.

Her impending performance at the Brits was all anyone could talk about, and now that the day was here, Y/N’s nerves were reeling. The thought of singing this song and knowing Harry was here watching was enough to make her want to throw up. Every time the camera panned to Harry during the awards with his face plastered on a large screen off to the side, Y/N was certain she’d pass out. Luckily they were on separate ends of the stage and she couldn’t really see him from where she sat, so she just avoided the screen. Her normal ‘don’t care’ attitude was gone.

Soon, she was taken backstage to get wired and ready for her performance. She bounced up and down in her heels trying to summon some energy and shake the nerves, messing with the dangling strands of hair that framed her face and wiping her sweaty palms on her sleek, satin red dress with one off-the-shoulder draping sleeve and a long side-slit.

She was led out to a pitch dark stage and was positioned in the center, hands gripping tightly on her mic as a presenter on another stage finished a short speech and introduced the next act. Y/N looked down at her feet, listening, waiting for her queue, afraid to look up amongst the crowd of very talented, very famous peers.

“The incredible Y/F/N Y/L/N, with her new single, SUMMER!”

The lights shone brightly on Y/N and she began to sing, followed by the sounds of piano.

“I haven’t seen you since the summer

But you feel just like I remember…..”

Her heart pounded as she walked towards the edge of the stage, finally getting the courage to look up and into their faces, everyone smiling, bobbing their heads, and most even singing along. She scanned the audience, her mind racing, terrified and shocked that she had even found the courage to go through with singing this song here. And then she saw him. He sat towards the left of the stage at a circular table, close to the front, looking up at her, listening intently, with a lopsided smile, and their eyes locked.

That’s when something weird happened. The anxiety she felt just seconds before had washed away. For weeks, this had been her worst nightmare; having to sing this song to his face. She had given herself countless pep talks and dozens of plans to avoid eye contact with anyone in the audience while she sang just in case she ended up looking at Harry. But now that it’s happened, a sense of relief has washed over her. There were so many things she wanted to say to him over the past few years, but for some reason, singing this song at him seemed like enough for the time being. It summed it all up.

He could feel eyes on him, not just from Y/N, but from his table and those around him, as well. Everyone knew of the rumors about this song. Everyone assumed it was about him. Honestly, he figured it was about him, too. Some of the lyrics seemed to point to that summer. But assuming he meant enough to her, especially enough to write a song after all this time, seemed extremely arrogant of him, so he avoided vocalizing his thoughts on the topic and always pushed it aside when it was brought to his attention.

When he heard that she would be performing the song at the Brits, a part of him was scared. He didn’t know how he should react. Should he play it cool? Should he sing along? Should he ignore her performance? But when he saw her on the stage in front of him, he couldn’t take his eyes away. A smile formed on his face and all he could feel was pride. He was proud that he got to know her before all of the fame and got to see the talent before she blew up. He was proud that she worked so hard to get to where she was.

And then they locked eyes.

He was speechless. It wasn’t a particularly heart-wrenching song in its own right, but he could feel the meaning behind the lyrics deep in his chest. Harry could see the tension fading from Y/N’s eyes, something that would barely be noticed unless you were looking for it. And he laughed as she bounced and skipped around the stage. She kicked her heels off which earned an outrageous amount of screams and claps and he laughed as she spun around the stage, barefoot. There she was; that beautiful, carefree girl he’d known when they were just teenagers. And as the song ended and she began to slow down, they caught eyes once more and they smiled before the lights began to dim and everyone in the audience stood, clapping. Harry among them.

“Wow. That was incredible,” his sister, Gemma, awed beside him.

They shared a look; one of both knowing and apprehension. He never told Gemma about Y/N. Sure, she knew of the rumors and saw the pictures, but they never went into detail about their love lives with each other. She didn’t want to push anything out of her brother, but she was a fan of Y/N’s and didn’t want to make her brother feel uncomfortable if she was supporting an artist whom he had any sort of resentment about. But by the look of his smile and nod of agreeance, she knew that it was no trouble.

He found himself often peaking over the heads of the crowd in an attempt to steal a glance at her. And whenever he stood to clap, or collect an award, no matter how hard he tried to conceal his curiosity, he would always end up locking eyes. When she won the first award of her career, he clapped louder and longer than anyone else, and he knew that he was giving himself away. Everyone who had come with him had realized that he was increasingly becoming more interested in her as the night progressed.

When the award show was finally over, he attempted to shuffle amongst the crowd, hoping to catch her before she left, but that proved difficult as he kept getting stopped by other friends and celebrities wanting to congratulate him on his winnings and aiming to have a conversation with him. By the time he had reached her table, she had already gone.

The afterparty was brimming with people, with both celebrities who had gone to the awards, and some who hadn’t. The music was so loud in areas that you could hardly hear others speak. Servers were weaving in and out of people with trays of food and drinks while people talked, danced, and consorted. He was always surprised by the mix of people he saw at afterparties and the friendships he had never expected.

He was in the middle of a conversation with his sister, Alexa Chung, and a few others, when a reflection of glistening light just beyond their group caught his eye, and he looked past his friends to see Y/N standing towards the other end of the room laughing with James Corden, just like she had been the last time he saw her. He had made up his mind in an instant and politely excused himself, making his way over.

“Hello,” he dragged, cautiously edging up towards the two.

They both looked up and he noticed the surprise in Y/N’s eyes before James exclaimed, “Harry! How’s it going, mate?”

“I’m alright, James. And you?” He asked, and before James could respond he turned towards Y/N and muttered, “Hey.”

“Jesus Christ, Harold, you’re not very subtle, are you?” he joked.

It was only a joke, but both Y/N and Harry began to blush. James, too, knew of the rumors and even pressed his friend, off the record, about his brief encounter with Y/N. He knew that there were some reserved emotions between the two old lovers, but by the look of their reaction, it seemed to be a bit greater than he had anticipated and he knew he might have just inadvertently created a bit of tension between the two.

“Well, it was nice to see you both, but I’ve got to go look for my wife before she leaves me for Shawn Mendes,” James lied, giving both of them a friendly hug and kiss on the cheek, “Have a good night.”

They watched as James snuck off and stood there in a moment of silence as the room around them only got louder. Y/N smirked, waiting for Harry to say something. Years, she had pictured this moment. Years she had imagined having a conversation as more than just a passing node or group discussion. Still, if he didn’t get a move on, someone could interrupt them and it’d be just another fleeting moment in their years worth of run-ins.

“You look lovely,” he finally noted, motioning towards her dress.

Y/N snorted, raising an eyebrow, “Come on, Harry, what’d you really want to say?”

Harry grinned nervously, shaking his head, she could see right through him, “Could never get anything past you, could I?”

“Never,” she smiled, crossing her arms.

He looked at her a moment, scanning her eyes before his face turned more serious, “...I missed you.”

“Oh? Did you?”

“Yeah,” he chuckled, teasingly jutting his head forward matter-of-factly, “I did.”

“I guess I missed you, too. If you couldn’t tell by the song,” she added, giggling.

“Oh, was that about me?” he asked sarcastically.

Y/N rolled her eyes, “Nah, couldn’t be. Some other bloke, some other summer.”

Harry laughed, astounded. So much time had passed and Y/N was seldom not on his mind. Sure, he had seen her in passing at the many award shows and alongside him on the internet, but he always wondered what time had done to her. He, himself, had learned and evolved with time and with knowledge. He hadn’t considered himself a ‘changed’ man, like so many that had gained money and an ounce of power, but rather he considered himself just grown. He wondered if she would be the same and often worried that the lifestyle would have sucked her dry. He sees it time and time again, lively people turning into shells of their past while trying to keep up with the scene.

But seeing her here, now, he knew that not to be true. She seemed every bit herself, just….grown. More confident, smarter, but just as playful and beautiful as ever. The nerves he was feeling before had gone, replaced with the silliness that he remembered always feeling when he was around her.

“So, we’ve established that I missed you and you missed me. What should we do about that?” he asked, rather flirtatiously.

She raised an eyebrow, tilting her head to the side and as if it was the simplest answer said, “Well, I suppose that means you should ask me out to dinner.”

Harry smiled wider, “So no boyfriend, then?”

She shook her head, a playful smirk forming on her face, “Not unless you’re asking.”

His mouth fell open slightly. Her forwardness was always something he fawned over, and before he could speak, a dark-haired girl slunk up to the two of them and they turned to see Gemma. Y/N had never met Gemma before and only knew of her from the stories Harry told her when they were younger. Of course, she’s seen pictures of his older sister, but seeing them side-by-side she could see the similarities between the two siblings.

“Hi, sorry to interrupt…” Gemma started.

Y/N shook her head, “No, you’re not. It’s Gemma, right? I’m Y/N. Nice to meet you.”

Harry watched as his sister attempted to stop ogling and accepted Y/N’s offer for a hug and polite kiss on either cheek. He knew Gemma must be internally freaking out as she admitted, “It’s so nice to meet you. I’m a big fan.”

“Thank you. You look gorgeous, by the way. I can tell who got the good genes,” Y/N smiled, poking fun at Harry.

He feigned hurt and elongated, “Heeeeyyyyy.”

“Hush, now. The girls are talking,” Y/N winked.

The three spent most of the night together, conversing with dozens of other celebrities who approached them, but they hadn’t strayed from each other all night. Their conversation seemed endless and never ran out of things to say. They even started getting a little childish and would sneak off and explore the hotel in which the party was held. Harry was happy to see that his sister and Y/N had quickly become friends, even if it was at the expense of his ego. But as the night continued and the three fought to hide their exhaustion, it had gotten too late and Y/N’s manager had finally found them.

“Come on, Y/N, we should get going,” the blonde tugged at Y/N’s arm.

Y/N nodded, “Yeah, alright.”

They all stood up and gave each other hugs goodbye, “It was nice to see you again,” Y/N whispered into Harry’s ear, lingering in his embrace just a second longer before pulling away, smiling, and following her manager towards the exit.

Harry watched after her, sad to see her walking away again. Why was sleep even a thing? He could spend hours more talking to her about utter nonsense, filling in the gaps of all of their missed time together. He felt a nudge to the left of him from Gemma and he turned to see her urging eyes. He knew what she meant. And he didn’t need another nudge. In seconds, he bolted up and jogged ahead, catching up with them. Y/N must have heard his footsteps, because she turned, amused to see Harry yielding, out of breath.

“Forget something?” she joked, crossing her arms with a smile.

He grinned, nodding, “Your number.”

She smiled wider, holding her hand out for his phone and when he passed it to her, she quickly inputted her number and saved it, handing it back. “Please pass my number along to your sister, too.”

“Are you just using me to get to Gemma?” Harry joked.

“Of course I am,” Y/N laughed. There was a moment of silence before Y/N leaned in, kissing him softly on the cheek before stepping back towards her manager, “Don’t lose my number this time, yeah?”

Harry shook his head, lips twitching, “Never. I won’t make that mistake again.”

------------------------------------

Taglist:

@odetostep @mylittleangel9403 @thurhomish @fallingfordolans

[a6nice6person6]

Hi! I don’t have the ability to write this, but it would be lovely if someone wanted to write something like this..

So it’s an au where Lena and Kara were gfs for three years (and besties since they were like 9) but because Lena was enlisted in the military (she was 18 then), she had to go away for a long time. They decide to break up since it’s gonna take a long time for Lena to return but Kara is determined to wait for her. They keep in touch until something happens and Lena stops responding to Kara’s messages. Obviously Kara is devastated thinking the worst as time passes and she gets no news from Lena. Years later (maybe 10?) Kara and her soon-to-be husband (u know who dat is) walk into a crowded bar to meet up with their friends when suddenly a very distinctive face catches Kara’s gaze...... Oprah!! no jk it’s Lena (duh lol) A wave of relief and also hurt curses through Kara so after a moment of hesitation she approaches her without anyone noticing. (Lena, unaware of the blonde, flirts unashamedly with a man next her.. or maybe she could be her lonely self wallowing in her misery.. idk which is better for the story). Suddenly shy Kara is only able to call her name once but it’s enough to get the brunette’s attention, they stare at each other for a moment, until Lena finally snaps out of it and finally asks.. “sorry, do I know you?” ...( yep you guessed it, she has amnesia)

Idk how to continue that but i mean there’s the whole lena-gets-injured-and -after-surgery-she-doesn’t-remember-anything so obvs she wasn’t able to go back to kara and kara-spent-like-ten-years-griefing-her-first-love-and-possibly-the-love-of-her-life situations but whatevss... they keep seeing each other throughout the next months getting to know each other (again), eventually Kara tells Lena their story but leaving the being exes part out (for the sake of angst i guess)

Lena starts to fall in love with Kara (completely unaware of their past as lovers,( BUT, to make it spicy, maybe Lena is oblivious to her own sexuality and thinks she’s feeling friendly feelings) and is conflicted with her emotions because Kara’s about to get married in a couple of months so she keeps her strange feelings to herself. Meanwhile, Kara struggles with the fact that maybe she’s not entirely over her ex but Lena shows no signs of having feelings for her so maybe it’s time to put an end to that chapter in her life.

... fast forward to Kara’s bachelorette party, they get drunk and end up having a passionate night in their shared hotel room.. and yeah you know the drill they’re endgame but my mind couldn’t come up with a way of that happening after their night together, maybe more angst and miscommunication happens up until the wedding day but yeah (i mean because I guess Lena still doesn’t know that they had a past as girlfriends so there’s the whole “why would you not tell me this important detail about us” thingy soo) :) also it would be lovely if you put lena x brainy brotp somewhere in there in the story.

There’s denial, angst, fluff , jealousy maybe from both sides, probs smut but that’s up to you, hurt-comfort, but most importantly happy ending hehe

Does this makes sense?? idk but If you decide to write this please let me know!! i don’t even want credit i just want to read it c: thank u

//note: i’m not from the usa so i have no idea how the us military actually works but who cares🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s for the sake of angst

Note2: sorry for the typos if there are any, english is not my first language

Note3: also idk maybe someone already wrote something like this but i haven’t read it yet so.. that’s that.

[makeupbychio]

goodnight n go // C.H

pairing : Calum Hood x Reader.

summary : you are a famous pop singer and one normal night in your life Calum literally came to change everything.

words : 8.5k

warnings : fluff, angst and swearing.

a/n : hi babies, so I tried to do this gender neutral because I’m trying to write things for everyone without specifying gender, sexuality, physical appearance, etc. Feedback is more than welcome. Credits to the owner of the photo, and the Instagram posts.

italics means song lyrics.

bold means posts on social media.

inspired by : that one second laugh Ariana Grande does in ‘everytime’ studio version and ‘goodnight n go’ live version. And these videos (links down below in the blurb)

You are a pop star, already part of the pop culture, on tons of playlists made by platforms. So your life is always on the public eye even when you don’t post in your social media the paparazzis and social accounts always doing that for you. It wasn’t like that at the beginning, the world barely knew your name, your shows were for 50 in the room, then 100, then 1000, now a whole arena and with two dates in some cities. You have learned how to deal with the dizzy things of being famous thanks to your fans, family, friends and your own power so at the end of the day you would not change leaving your heart on stage singing and dancing every night at all even when you know that it is crazy, yeah, it is crazy there outside. How people that you don’t know tells you how you changed their lives with your music, how you saved them, tattoos in their bodies inspired by your lyrics and style.

It is been crazier lately. You write your songs inspired by your own experiences or your loved ones experiences. You just finished a tour and after a good break for a whole season you are back writing and planning a new album. You were writing a song based on a reckless love but the song couldn’t make it to the previous album because you never finish it and you didn’t want it as an interlude. But you restart it because life slapped you in the face because 3 months ago you broke up with your partner. You are laying on bed looking at some pictures of you two together walking on the streets taken by paps. The light of the screen lighting your face. And god, how you didn’t realize tons of things?, in every picture you are looking at your ex like a fool completely in love but people could not say the same coming from the other person. You were in love, your ex really loved you at first but the last months of the relationship barely paid attention to you. That is when you remembered one of your fights.

“I waited for you for almost two hours! You could at least answered my messages or you could call me! So I would leave the restaurant and don’t waste my time on you” you said loudly pointing at its face when you came back home and acting like nothing happened. You were furious.

“I know, sorry I’m tired I spend the whole day with my friend I didn’t see him in a while” your ex sighed laying on your bed. “Don’t wanna argue”.

“I don’t care about your friend! You could tell him to hang out another day. It was a special day for us you asshole” you said giving an angry look and leaving the room.

It was supposed to be a special day that day. You were back from your South America leg of the tour and you received the notice of awards nominations so you decided to celebrate by having dinner and then go to the movies together. But your ex didn’t show up, and it wasn’t the first time. You just asked for simple things like going to the beach or just receive love. So even you were angry, you came back to their arms every time.

You thought that then a good fuck or a pretty face would fixed everything, but no. Your naive head at that moment thought that things were going to change, or that your lover was the love of your life.

Now you are looking at the last picture of you two that was seen together walking out a store and even bugs can notice how disillusioned your expression and body language are in that photo. You are hanging by their arms but looking at the floor with your head down. The other person also was trying to hide it with a cap and focused on the road.

‘Oh God’ you sigh at the picture knowing how ridiculous you looked. You lock your phone and throw it to your side of the huge bed now empty the other side. You are sitting with your legs crossed in your bed looking outside your window. It is late in the night so the city lights are your view and it reminds you that night when you called your best friend to tell her about you were thinking to end your relationship. She is always been supportive with you and every time you were going to make your decision you postpone it till finally it happened. You remembered that you cried a lot that night you saw them leaving your apartment and hours later you were still crying listening to sad music with your best friend looking at the roof. 

Now you decide to restart the song you left half done. Your dog joined you in bed, you went for a cup of hot chocolate and you start writing it.

+

The next day early in the morning you are in your way to the studio once you are ready with your makeup trying to hide your tiredness that you wrote till 3 am and put your studio outfit which consists on a big hoodie so big that the sleeves are always covering your hands but comfiness is first.

Your band and crew arrived and you have your coffee. Even when it is a sad song coming from your experience you want to put energy in this one like one of those nights you fought, how your blood was running in your veins and how deeply you knew that your relation was pointless but you were going to fall every time. The energy being aware of that but at the same time an energy by saying I’m done, I get over you but I know that I was a fool for you but not anymore. 

You explain that to everyone when all of you are thinking about the melody and beats. Most of the people in the room insist and show you a sad melody and you are starting to get frustrated because they are not listening to you and your idea you are looking for. 

You decided to move on on another two songs that you have complete. During breaks to eat something, drink water, go to the next studio and say hi to people that you know and fooling around with your own crew now it is dark outside and you are thinking to call it a wrap for today but the urge to at least figure it out the musicality of the song you wrote last night it is bigger.

But all of you are tired and ran out of ideas and your manager enters the soundproof box to tell you that the room is reserved for another artist from midnight till dawn. So you have 3 hours left to record this song or try again another day.

When you are talking to your favorite producer, who also is your friend, a tall man enters the room with headphones and the music too loud for not noticing the room full of people. When he saw the big group of people he freezes and apologies already leaving when you stop him recognizing him.

“Calum?” you said getting up from your seat in front of all the buttons of the huge synthesizer.

“Y/N?” he asks checking if this is real.

You nod at him and hug him because it is been a while, almost 2 years without seeing him. He is so happy to see you, the last time you were together was in an awards after party and you know him since 4 years ago when you met him and his band on an awards show that you presented his band and their performance and you saw it from the corners of the stage and waited to congratulated them because you are respectful with others musicians work, they asked for a picture and after that you have been friends but your busy life didn’t let you hang out with them but always exchanging likes, comments or messages on the dms on social media. 

“Omg how are you?” he asks you while he hugs you with his strong arms the height difference is notorious so he lays his right cheek on top of your head. He knows about your love situation, but to be honest he was not sad about that. Not at all. But he is not going to take advantage of that.

“Fine and you? Omg I miss you so much, what are you doing here alone?” you say to him confused not seeing all the 5sos boys.

“We are recording our new album and the guys should be here” he says checking the hour on his watch and then quickly his phone if there is a message.

“Finally new 5sos music!” you say and laugh.

“Yeah, we don’t have the ability like you to drop music every year.” he teases you.

“Hey!” you punch him softly on his ribs. “First things first, you can do that too if you want to drop music and second, actually right now I’m struggling with a song” you explain to him all of your situation when his phone rings. Ashton is on the other side of the line.

“Cal, we said at midnight!” Ashton said.

“Oh crap, I don’t know why I understood it was at 9 pm...K’...Bye, see ya’” Calum answers to his friend before hanging out the call.

He explains to you the situation even when you listened to what Ashton said. Calum tells you that it was nice to see you but he should be back at midnight but you stop him letting him know if he wants he can stay.

“Are you sure?” he asks knowing that maybe that could bother your crew.

“Of course Cal!” you say. And even when his house it is like 20 minutes away by driving he could come back when it is his band’s turn to use the studio but to be honest again he would really love to hang out a while with you. He always finds you attractive and your voice is one of the most angelical for him.

After he greeted the rest of the group he sits close to you listening your conversation with your producer.

“What if you add little adlibs and drums?” Calum suggests but he regrets if the producer would get angry. “Sorry man, I know it is your work and I am just a guest and-” 

“It is okay! Actually that is a good idea dude” your producer say asking Calum to show him what he said.

Calum and you enters the box and he sits to play the drums.

“Ashton is teaching me a little bit now that we are roommates” he jokes about it while taking the drumsticks.

“I saw that joke you did to Ashton! It was hilarious and his response” you point at him.

So you and Calum organized that he would play something in the drums first and then you start singing or reading the lyrics to catch the rhythm. He shows you a freestyle moment with the drums since he’s been doing that in his house to practice. The producer in the other side of the glass tells you from the speaker that there is a beat that maybe could fit. So once back again listening to beats ideas ordering to make that beat faster or slower, louder or pronounced then your band is working with the guitar, bass, keyboard and your drummer continues what Calum started and last but not least you are thinking where to sing it with high notes that it is your biggest characteristic.

All the people in the room are tired, your manager and part of your crew left early because they have meetings for some upcoming festivals to schedule. You let your band know that is the last effort of this week then you’ll be back again the next one rehearsing for an awards performance.

Calum now is in the other side of the glass next to the producer watching and listening all of this process of making this record. He is having fun and he realizes he could hear to your voice all night. It takes a lot of takes, to the final result of a song and Calum knows that perfectly.

You want to achieve the highest note of the song in the last chorus of the song in the last line. You should have record that first because it is getting hard for you to reach with a tired vocal cords after doing the rest of the song and the ad libs. You sigh frustrated at another failure of that last chorus.

“Y/N, should we call it a wrap for today?” your producer asks you softly. To be honest, you don’t want it after all of the work behind to finally get this song built.

“Excuse me” Calum says confident to the producer to take control of the speaker. “Y/N, listen to me, this is the last effort I know that ya’ can do this… You got this” he says looking at you directly in the eye. You nod and take a deep breath to try again and ‘he was right’ you thought to yourself when you freaking nailed it not just one high note, you reached it also the lines of the outro of the song.

Once you open your eyes when you keep singing with not that much power the last line. You laugh hiding your smile with the sleeve of your hoodie because the first thing you see is Calum stunned with his arms crossed on his chest and one hand full of rings lifted to cover his mouth. You start clapping to your band and say through your microphone ‘thank you’ to the rest of the people.

“Girl, you fuckin’ blew my mind” he says so excited mimicking what he said once you left the recording side of the room.

Minutes later everyone is saying goodbye to you and once again you thanked everyone for their job and energy as always and telling your producer to call you to edit the song other day. 

Now you are alone with Calum while you start packing your things. “Magic” you say looking at the clock with 15 minutes in your favor.

You use that time catching up on general things, like music, family, next awards, and a little bit of gossiping and of course asking about the rest of the boys.

“So happy for you guys, I can see that you are happy with this new era” you say after listening to Calum talking so passionate about what he and his band are doing. “I want to wait for the guys because I miss them. Do you think Michael is still in love with me?” you joke about it in a friendly way since Michael told you you were his crush, so he always reacts so excited and weird with you.

“No, he can’t react like he used to”. Calum laughs and you understood because you congratulated Michael on his engagement.

Minutes later, the boys and the rest of the crew arrived making noise with a lot of energy as always ready for a recording night but at the end they are always laying on the floor waiting for the team to call it a wrap.

“You gotta be kidding me!” Luke says running to hug you by lifting you because he is so tall and he missed you so much. You laugh and hold him tight. You say hi to the rest of the boys and you look at Calum next to you when you both noticed Michael is trying to act serious and cool around you when later he is going to ask Calum "Did Y/N said something about me?".

After a couple of minutes talking to the boys catching up about life, their crew called them to start the session so you have to say goodbye.

"Thanks again Cal, you saved my life today" you say goodbye to him with a kiss on the cheek and then the same with the rest. "K' guys bye, hope you have a good night".

You are stepping into your car when Calum calls you running behind you. "Y/N! before you leave, I lost all of my contacts when Ashton threw my phone into a pool…" you laugh at how they always been like that. "So if you can give me your number again if one day you want to hang out with me- with us".

You both exchange numbers and say goodbye.

+

Your producer laughs hearing that take where you stop singing and take a second to laugh at Calum’s face. “You want to put the laugh in the song too?”

https://www.instagram.com/p/B8EMIEPCF5y/

You don’t know if it was a joke or a serious question. You think for a minute at how frustrated you were that night with your team trying to build this song and thankfully Calum was there to help and give his opinion, also that laugh confirms how this song is not sad at all even when people were saying to you that it should be because of your breakup.

“Yeah” you answer and think about that little good time hanging out with Calum. You record a short video of that laugh that is going to be in the song, letting know your fans that you are in the studio pointing with your phone at the computer. 

Your stories on Instagram are always like a puzzle to your fans, like what does this means? what is this? when? where? new song? album? tour? collab? video?. Most of the times you add emojis, letters, or numbers that are meaningful to decipher the message and also to tease.

+

“Hello?... Calum? Can you hear me?” you say through the phone.

“Y/N? Hi! Yes, I can…” he answers leaving the room. “Sorry, I was so into playing my bass, we are writing a new song”.

“Oh sorry, if you are busy I can call you later-” you say softly and gentle.

“No no no. Ehmm, how are you? Tell me” he say surprised that you actually call him. He is giving you all of his attention listening to you.

“I’m fine and you? I’m calling you because we finished the song and I would like to know if you want to appear in the track info, cause’ ya’ know… you helped with the drums and other stuff” you wait for his answer, you are nervous of his response. Why? You have done this all the time with other collabs, ‘maybe because he is so intimidating but at the same time the cutest’ you think to yourself.

In the other side of the call, he is surprised and also he finds this so cute from you because he thinks that he barely contributed. “Ehhm, yes- I mean if you are okay with this I’m okay too”.

+

@MTV: Biggest return of Y/N!, who just announced a new single and a new collaboration TONIGHT!, a new album, and a performance for the VMAS. *internal screams*.

@MTV: Don’t forget to watch the VMAS this Sunday at 8 pm, amazing performances by Y/N, 5 Seconds Of Summer, Halsey, Rosalía, Bad Bunny, Doja Cat, Cashmere Cat and Missy Elliott winner of the Vanguard Award and more! with surprises of course, as always.

+

@y/n.updates: Genius.com has revealed the lyrics of the new singles! “everytime” and “quit”, the last one is from the dj Cashmere Cat’s album. We are so excited for our baby's return.

@bbcradio1: A friendship you didn’t know you needed until now… Calum Hood from 5sos appears in the track info of Y/N’s new single. Is Y/N going to appear in the upcoming 5sos album too? let’s pray to the universe.

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“Of course last but not least to arrive the red carpet is the royalty in person, Y/N” the interviewer comments watching you posing to all of the cameras. “I am loving this moment. Y/N is here to slay the red carpet and taking pictures with every artist throwing kisses to friends like to 5sos, ugh lucky boys, now saying hi to Normani, we love that”.

“Yeah, I’m smelling big succes coming this year and Y/N totally deserves it” the other interviewer says. “Oh. My. Goddess… Can we take a moment to appreciate this outfit?!”. You arrive and say hi to everyone. After a couple of questions and compliments you are walking with your team to go backstage to change for your performance.

Once the Teen Wolf cast introduced your performance, everything went dark and silence and you appear in a large lavender satin dress, perfect to build up your figure and Cashmere Cat appears on a platform with his dj set and lights pointing at you and him.

“And you say that I'm the devil you know

And I don't disagree, no, I don't see the harm

They say, "You crazy, just leave him, he'll suffocate you"

But I wanna be in your arms

They say, "No, don't pick up the phone, let him think there's nobody home"

But I'm under your spell

'Cause when you call, my heart starts to roll

I always want more

It's my heaven, my hell…”

Then two contemporary dancers are next to you dancing at what the lyrics means to you when you recorded this with Cashmere Cat in the studio after your breakup. At the chorus a fake rain starts in the stage and you have your moment feeling amazing and feeling the beat that your dj friend was playing behind you. You participate too in the choreo while you sing the last part of the song. Singing to both dancers faces like if you are watching from outside when you decided to step out your relation. So each dancer goes to their own way representing the metaphor.

Then a new different beat went off for a little moment and you start singing a snippet of one of your new songs of your upcoming album hoping to make everyone clear how you are after your breakup because you still hear some comments about it.

“I got a bad idea, How 'bout we take a little bit of time away?

I got a bad idea

Forget about it, yeah, forget about him, yeah”.

The next thing you see is everyone standing up and clapping at you. You hug Cashmere Cat. “Thank you, please give it up for my friend Cashmere Cat!”

You stay not that much to the after party because tomorrow you have to get up early for a photoshoot.

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You post videos behind the scenes and the photos of the photoshoot. You are in the front page and you did something original playing with makeup, hairstyles and clothes. Everyone is living for this new era.

“Ugh, are you going to do that call or should I do it for you?” Ashton interrupts Calum and his daydreaming watching your latest posts.

“What?” Calum answers confused wrinkling his nose and expressions.

“You heard me”. Ashton says letting know his friend that he is not stupid. “I noticed how you look at Y/N that night performing and then at the after party...And don’t excuse yourself because of the angelic voice because I know I was mesmerized too but you were on another level”.

Calum doesn’t add anything else and stands up to continue writing the new song but not without leaving a comment on one of your posts ‘gorg!’.

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“Hello beautiful human, it is Y/N back in the studio!” Zach says through his microphone. Everyone clap and he greets you. Even the promo you have to do for your singles, albums and all that stuff you are so picky with the interviews you want to do because in the past you had a lot of uncomfortable ones with disrespectful questions and interviewers. It is not the case with Zach, you feel at home and he is your friend.

As always you talked about your new music, upcoming things, opinions about something, your personal life and you are so honest talking on Zach’s show because he always asks you about how are you doing because he knows that everyone struggles.

“So the whole tracklist it is on genius.com and I think that it is safe to say that I’m not the only one surprised with the collabs and people who helped you.” Zach says reading a paper checking the new revelation. “I would like to know details how it is to work with such talented artists and producers”.

You told him the details and including how Calum ended in your studio session that night.

“Thank God I recognized him because my bodyguard was ready to punch him” you make Zach laughs.

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Calum saw your interview and after that he called you. He didn’t know what kind of confidence took him to invite you to hang out tomorrow.

That day you went with him and Ashton and Luke to the Star Wars theme park. The guys insisted that Calum must have gone alone that day but he was too nervous. Other day you and the guys went to bowling, Michael was losing all the fun because his new life as fiancé planning the wedding.

That’s how you got the chance to know more about them every single time you hang out. Paparazzis always were there and people talking about this cool friendship. But then Calum had the balls to ask you on a date. For your surprise he invited you to a The 1975 concert, then you invited him to a Post Malone concert, you went to the movies, then late nights stops at diners. And as the bond between you two was growing with so much love, affection, confidence, honesty and how safe you feel next to him you didn’t realize that you were holding his hand or arm so natural like it was a thing you two always do. That little thing was enough for people to start rumors. Calum likes you so much but he wanted to take things slow because of you and him after you told him everything about your ex and he did the same. His ex used him just for fame and to be in the public eye so with little details when you noticed he was doubting about his own self or anything else, you let him know that everything is okay.

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One and a half month later, you are with him at your place in your home studio after you order vegan pizza for dinner that Calum was right that it is delicious. You were helping each other, mostly him with ideas of sets to perform Want You Back and Youngblood on tv shows. Then you showed him the final version of ‘everytime’ and he loves that you included the laugh in the song which reminds him of something. 

“I want to show you something” Calum says searching something on his phone gallery. 

“Found it” he says getting his chair closer to yours. It is a video that he secretly recorded of that day in the studio, when you finally hit the high notes of the song. In the video you can hear how he says ‘wow” multiple times and your producer is not surprised but still in awe. Then there is your laugh when you saw Calum’s face and when the song ends you can hear his ‘what the fu-” and the video ended.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B8O76_nC3Q5/

“Why you didn’t show me this before?” you say with giggles at how incredible you have the two sides of that moment.

“First, don’t worry because I’m never going to show this to anyone I know that I should ask you before and-” he is explaining himself.

“Can I kiss you?” you interrupts looking at him noticing a sparkly surprise on his eyes.

He leans so fast to kiss you, you take your moment to taste his lips after all this time you can confirm what you think about his lips. You break the kiss needing air. “You didn’t answer my question”. 

He laughs at your teasing while you bit your lip. “You’re right, I didn’t”. He holds your face within his hands and start kissing every part of your face while he says “Yes” in every little kiss.

Things got hot and heavy so you move the make out session to your room. Both of you don’t want that the other person feel pressure to do things but with you Calum forgot his “love is scam” thing. So he carries you and takes his time to make every moment, kiss, thrust and this night to last. He thinks that he is the only one that kinda feels strange at this amount with affection and intimacy but the truth is that you were feeling the same way, because with him you don’t feel a clingy or a needy person as you were in your last relationship. With Calum is different in a good way.

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“So you didn’t come home last night” Ashton says to Calum when he arrived for lunch time, because he had breakfast twice today with you.

“Ew! I didn’t want to know that Cal” Ashton says while cutting vegetables for lunch. “Thank God you are together, it took you forever. To be honest, I thought Y/N was going to get bored of waiting”. 

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Another night at your place when Calum surprised you with a romantic dinner and also apologizing for the other night when at his place Ashton interrupts you two.

In the middle of the night you woke up with an idea stuck in your head, you took your underwear and Calum’s baggy shirt he was wearing and before you stood up you melted at the sight of your dog sleeping closely to Calum, who at first hated him but now they look like besties.

After an hour in your studio with this new idea, you had the lyrics and already recording with a beat which two of your best friends made once in a party just fooling. The studio is soundproof and in another level of your house so the music is not going to wake up Calum, but the coldness he felt next to him makes him wonder the reason that woke you up.

And when he found where you are and what are you doing he reminds to himself that in this exact moment he feels so much love for you.

“That sounds beautiful babe” he said getting closer to you to kiss your cheek.

You are editing all focused this song to send it to your producer to do the final touches. “I didn’t want to wake you up” you lift your head to look at him with a pout and noticing he is shirtless and he looks tired from what you did hours earlier. He asked you details about this song called ‘goodnight n go’, he listened to it and once again all of his feelings manifest in a studio. “I love you” he confessed when the song ends. The feeling is mutual and the idea of this song came up all based in your relation you have with him.

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@Y/N: new album. valentine’s day. love y’all xoxo. 

You posted with the cover of your new album.

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“There is a lot of people downstairs” your manager said arriving the room, you were waiting for your manager for the first toast of the night. It is your album’s launch party and you want to celebrate with your team, your band and their loved ones. Your family, your friends, artists of the industry, and other famous people.

You made a speech about how grateful you are for everyone in the room for their patience, for the love and support for you and this new project. Before you start to get emotional, you said to everyone to have fun tonight and you thanked again. 

You rented a whole club for the night. After eating, cut the cake and having a few glasses of champagne you are ready to take pictures in the photo booth with everyone.

Your close loved ones of course know about you and Cal, but the other half of the people in the room just know the rumors and the pictures from paparazzis and fans. When you were taking funny pictures with other musicians, it is iconic that in the photo is going to appear artist from different genres of music that are your friends. Calum really wants a picture with you and just you even when he loved the ones with the boys and your friends.

“I’m ready” Calum said to you when you are pointing at the printed photo because Luke’s gold eyeshadow looks freaking amazing.

“Ready for what?” you looked at him confused.

“Ready to announce the world that we are together” he said biting his lower lip waiting for your reaction. He told you a few weeks before that he was afraid and he didn’t know how to handle at that moment if you said you were together, so you told him that it is okay and understood him.

“Like now?! What you have in mind?” you asked him nervous because you both know what comes next with this kind of announcements. 

Calum just took your hand and enter just with you inside the photo booth and when the countdown started he looks at you with a smirk and sparkly eyes. “This is my plan” and he kissed you on the lips at the same time the machine announced the picture was taken.

“We have two more! What do we do?” he asked you, but now that you are here you use right the last two pictures. One kissing him in the cheek and hugging him around his neck that Calum did that thing with his eyes and the biggest smile on his face because he is so happy and also the alcohol. And the last one looks a little bit blurry and funny.

You took the opportunity to take another three but this time, now that everyone is going to know about your relation, the pictures are sexier but not vulgar. Of course your photographer took film pictures during the night so you will have several memories of the night.

You and Calum posted the three first ones on your social media.

@Y/N: my love💖.

@calumhood: happiest man in the universe. february 14th is not bad at all anymore with you by my side💛.

That night before you arrived home with Calum, he told you about a new 5sos music video called Valentine that was going to be on Youtube in 30 minutes, he told you that he wrote almost the entire song and you can’t wait to hear and see him singing this song, especially his verse.

We know we're classic together like Egyptian gold

We love us

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The success of your new album was immediately. And that means a lot of interviews, invitations to tv shows, radio stations, youtube channels, etc. Calum went and waited for you backstage to the ones that were in US. But the international ones he couldn’t come with you because their new album is going to release soon and new music videos by 5sos.

“I’m so happy to be back!” you said. Today is BBC radio 1 turn. They told you they were happy to have you in the radio.

After you sang a song from the new album, you have to do a cover. In the past you did ‘Them Changes’ by Thundercat and ���After The Storm’ by Kali Uchis taking advantage of your voice and the high notes you can reach, it is the same this time.

“Hi, this is Get You by my friends Daniel Caesar and Kali Uchis” you said. The last part is your favorite.

This feels like summer

Boy you make me feel so alive

Just be my lover

Boy you'll lead me to paradise

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Youngblood is out and the release party wasn’t bigger like yours but the fun was the same. You appeared on the Cocktail Chats they did when it was Valentine’s turn. Now after two months your relation went public, the euphoria coming from the people decreased.

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@Y/N: something huge in two hours with a special guest.

You posted on your stories with a sneak peek.

@ctrlnow: Y/N’s world tour with Kehlani as special guest. Next week tickets on sale. Are you excited? because this is going to be 🔥. It is the first time Y/N is going to perform in all the continents in almost two years.

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@5sos: US, Canada and Mexico get ready for this tour. Special guest our buddy Dominic Fike. Tickets on sale in 6 days.

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After 4 months of rehearsals and planning visuals, outfits, makeup, sets, tracklist, etc. You are on the road with the first leg of the tour in US for the whole summer in arenas and festivals. You are synchronized with Calum so you have no problem to hang out together and enjoy to the fullest your days off. 

Both of you don’t get tired of each other concerts. Watching Calum leaving his heart on stage singing and playing his bass, also looking so freaking handsome every single show. For him is the same watching your amazing show with your dancers and different outfits, he said it before and in the present day that he can listen to you singing the whole day and he envies you how charming you are with your fans and noticing every person in the huge arena.

You have a main stage, then a circular runway and a B stage. Calum is always in the first row in front of the B stage. The first show you were so nervous. The beginning of ‘goodnight n go’ started and the crowd went crazy. 

“It seems that you really like this one” you said teasing even more. You started dancing and walking next to where Calum is. Your dancers interact with the audience while you are reaching the high notes. 

We'll have drinks and talk about things

And any excuse to stay awake with you

And you'd sleep here, I'd sleep there

But then the heating may be down again

(At my convenience)

We'd be good, we'd be great together

https://www.instagram.com/p/B577uVJnJ6f/ 

When you looked down, there is your boyfriend looking at you like nobody else did before. You laughed at his reaction because it was priceless and before you keep moving you blow him a kiss. So as the same his reaction was that first time in the studio with ‘everytime’ that made you laugh, now it is with the song that he inspired. He does that in every show he goes, every time you sing ‘goodnight n go’. It is now your amulet that he makes you laugh in the same part with his faces and reactions. But not everything is perfect.

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The different time zones, the distance and the stress is clouding Calum’s mind. In two weeks you have barely spoken ten minutes. And new things keep coming to you like singing to fashion shows, summer festivals in other continents, hosting tv shows, etc. His friends told him that he will get used to and things will be okay within you two. But he misses you so much and he is doubting about himself again in this thing called love.

“I think it is the best Y/N” he said through his phone. He called you that night, he is so overwhelmed and tired. “I don’t want to be an obstacle, this is your career’s biggest time” he tries not to cry while he passed his hand through his hair all nervous.

“Calum please tell me you are not joking” he can hear your sobs in the other side of the line. You are in France and he is in Canada.

“Y/N just look at what time you are calling me! It is 4 am here where I am!” he said frustrated, it is not the first fight but it is the first time he yells at you that loud.

“Okay I’m sorry! It is late here too Calum in New Zealand- my point is that we will be okay Calum. After this I’m going to be home like you” you tried to calm him.

“And then what? Run to film a tv show for a whole week? Just seeing you at nights? We should take a break while we figured it out” he said and you are frozen trying to check if what he said is real.

“You are the only one who needs to figured it out, because I’m sure about us and… How could you even wonder and said that you are an obstacle?”. Now it is the opposite because the last thing you said was “Okay, if it is what you want. Go to sleep n’ goodnight”.

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You don’t know how people could know. But rumors of your relationship are in every social media and it is just been a day. You want to throw your phone but you have to get ready for your show in Australia, what an ironic thing.

It is not the same hype when the beginning of ‘goodnight n go’ started. When you are singing the bridge that you were used to laugh thanks to Calum’s reactions. Now your voice breaks and hide your face with your hand and the other one holding your microphone so the public keep singing because you can’t. Your dancers changed the choreo to get close to you and let you know that they are there for you but still you start singing again in the next chorus but with a shaky voice. With this people confirms the rumors.

@enews: Our favorite couple is not longer a thing. With this we don’t believe in love. Y/N and Calum Hood are taking a break. Days before the couple had some troubles in tour. Y/N broke in tears and Calum didn’t go to any interview. Link of the video of Y/N last show in the bio.

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“I supposed that you already saw this” Luke said giving his phone to Calum to show a video someone posted on Instagram. It is from your last night show.

“Yeah, I saw it” he said without making eye contact with his friend. Calum doesn’t want to talk about it. He is trying to convince himself that what he did is the best. It breaks his heart watching the video that now it is everywhere and his bandmates noticed how irritated he is with everything.

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For a whole week Calum barely sleep two hours at nights. He looked off in the shows. He cries during his part in ‘Ghost Of You’, he sings spiritless in ‘Valentine’ and he asked to take off ‘Babylon’ from the tracklist. 

5sos have new dates in another continents after December holidays.

“You should talk to Y/N, the Asia leg is going to be over in ten days and after the holidays the South America leg starts” Michael gave his advice to Calum but once again he didn’t give any answer.

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You took ‘goodnight n go’ and ‘everytime’ off from the tracklist and changed it for another song because you tried a couple of shows after but you couldn’t do it like it used to be singing that song. Your fans were sad because it is their favorite song but you don’t want to cry every single show. 

You have been in touch with Calum but not much. Just good morning and good night messages and that you are safe in the city you two are in that moment.

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“Hello Mexico City!” Luke said on stage. “Welcome to the Meet You There tour, thanks for having us tonight, let’s have some fun!”

The whole night Calum were late and off key with his voice and bass that multiple times Ashton tried to follow him with the drums. Calum is thinking and worried about you when he saw earlier that you cancelled your shows in Korea because you got a cold that you have to rest your voice. He just wants to talk to you.

When the show ended, Calum throws his bass hard against the floor without caring a thing. After that he went directly to bed, without taking a shower, or eat something. It is been like this for weeks and everyone knows that what he decided was so stupid, but with hope that he learns the lesson.

“Can you explain us what was that?” Ashton said taking off Calum’s hands his phone. “Dude this is getting out of control, and we gave you your space and everything but now you are going to admit that what you did was wrong and the only thing you want is your relationship back”.

“Go away” Calum said.

“No, Hood. You are barely sleeping, eating, focused, happy. This is how relationships work, and we know that it is crazy as fuck when you are famous”.

“Yeah man, it wasn’t easy for me and my girlfriend” Michael said. “And now we are going to get married...Look, if it is meant to be and if you really love Y/N, you should fix this”.

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You are back in LA for holidays and tonight you have the last show of the year because the second date of LA you had to cancel it because an allergy you had so you reschedule the show.

You are in the car on your way to the arena when your manager told you to stop by the studio because the new visual that you asked for is ready. It is a recap of this year, so your fans are going to see a couple of unreleased videos and pictures of behind the scenes of this whole year including everything and every person in your life.

In the studio you saw the new visual and you noticed that they didn’t put Calum on it. You love him and even when you are on a break, you wanted him in the visual too.

“Hmm I can explain it” your crew member said when another video randomly start in the screen of the computer.

“A mini film by Andy Deluca” you read in the title. The video shows the different reactions of Calum in every ‘goodnight n go’ performance. not just the tour, it also shows the reactions from his house listening to the song, or watching you performing the song on a show. It is a funny video but at the same time so cute and emotional because his reactions are different in every take. Calum screamed “YAAAAS!” or “I LOVE YOU BABY!”, surprised faces, funny faces, lip-synching, etc. And when Andy pointed the camera at you and you hid your laugh with your hand or sleeve, depends on the outfit. Calum says directly to the camera “Y/N should stop doing that, I’m going to say it later because Y/N’s laugh and smile are gorgeous… Okay this is my favorite song, enjoy it”. And the video ends.

“Wow, this is freaking cool but how did you-?” you asked your team when Calum appears from nowhere that scares you.

“I send it to your manager” he said. “I asked Andy to do this video because as always since the start of our relation I wanted to keep these memories”. When you didn’t say anything, he continues. “Y/N I know that I fucked up everything and-” he is interrupted by your manager telling your team to leave you two alone. Once alone with Calum in the room he continues again. “I got scared, I had never had a real relationship, this connection and what I feel for you before...I’m sorry”.

After a couple of minutes talking and giving your point of view that he didn’t let you give months earlier, you said “I love you, but please talk to me because the solution is not running every time things get complicated” and you hug him. He tried to kiss you but you said that he has to win your heart again.

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“Hello LA! Hope you enjoy this surprise, happy holidays” and the new visuals and videos start playing in the big screen and everyone is laughing, getting emotional, while you drink water backstage you can hear the “awww cute”. And last but not least Calum’s video is playing and you are ready for the next song. Everyone screamed and are happy for you to be with him again. So when in the video Calum says ‘Okay this is my favorite song, enjoy it’, the beginning of ‘goodnight n go’ started.

Tell me why you gotta look at me that way

You know what it does to me

So baby, what you tryna say? Ayy

Lately, all I want is you on top of me

You know where your hands should be

So baby, won't you come show me? Mmm

“For this next song I would like to call Mister Calum Thomas Hood” you said looking at him. He didn’t know about this. You sat him in a chair and say on his ear “A little tease never hurt nobody babe”. Now talking to the audience, “Let’s go!” and the beat of ‘break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored’ went off. Calum is fighting and struggling when you are dancing in front and on top of him.

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It’s been 3 years since Calum entered your room. He is so glad that he interrupted your studio session. And here he is now, watching you performing ‘goodnight n go’ like if it was the first time he heard you that night in your home studio, the feeling and the amount of love to you is the same and even bigger he would say, it just changes the place where you are singing this song. Now you don’t hide your laugh with your sleeve, and Calum always says how he feels and trusts in your relationship.

[ewdaviddd]

folklore think piece

for a lower case album such as this, i will be writing a lowercase think piece on the subject. i will not explain why. you get it or you don’t.

the 1: i have never been in love or any type of romantic relationship that left me with lasting feelings of any kind. but, on my fourth listen through of this song today, what once was just a promising and fun intro to this peasant girl summer gut punch, brought me to actual tears as i sat on the toilet in my lime green childhood bathroom as if i were mourning the one that got away (another great song). however, i am an expert on being hung up on the past, the “what could have been”, and made up hypotheticals. this song also introduces the film motif seen a lot in this album. i think dating an actor has really gotten to her. anyway what a killer way to begin, top notch stuff. how can a song be so fun and so soul crushing at the same time?

cardigan: when did taylor wear black lipstick? this is important to me. an old cardigan is an inherently bisexual article of clothing. that is not an opinion. i read it somewhere today and i believe it. this is the tip of the queer-coding ice berg in folklore, never fear. another reference, “tried to change the ending / peter losing wendy”. this year i wrote a movie script where both peter and wendy were both gay. coincidence? probably. basically this one is classic taylor poetry on every level and it being one of a trio in a larger story makes it that much better. yet again, high school romance is not a universal experience (like for me for instance) but haunting my “what-ifs” is going to haunt me for a long time. and the thought of someone saying i was their favorite cardigan makes me want to scream into a pillow.

the last great american dynasty: my favorite ts songs have always been the ones with detailed characters and stories and this one introduces the trope of the “mad woman” who comes back later on as well a long with many fun character details. at first this song is just cheeky and cute, very visual, a fun world to jump into. but then this particular stretch of lines makes your heart drop into your chest and reminds you why taylor isn’t just always fun and always cute and always creative, she also holds the ability to nimbly sock you in the gut when you least expect: “fifty years is a long time / holiday house sat quietly on that beach / free of women with madness, their men and bad habits / and then it was bought by me.” my jaw is still on the floor. and i’ve never bought a house myself. but i’ve spent numerous christmases having a marvelous time ruining everything (so i’ve been told) so this song still applies to my life.

exile (ft. bon iver): i’m gonna be honest. for as long as i can remember i have strongly disliked bon iver and i never remembered why. it is a matter of principle at this point. i just don’t trust him. but then taylor announced she wrote a song with him which filled me with tremendous anxiety. but i can rest easy. much like “the last time” this song is a ts and male artist collaboration i can get behind. also the film motif again: the only time i’ve left a theatre when i didn’t like a movie was never because movie tickets are so expensive and if i’m shelling out 11 dollars to sit in a chair, i’m staying the whole time no matter how bad the ending. but i probably would have left my sister’s keeper if i had seen it before if i’m being honest. so i get it. thats why i read spoilers for everything i watch before watching it, because the anxiety of worrying about how it ends make me not enjoy it in the first place. the end of this song: the call and response felt… ethereal? i felt like i was watching a broadway musical from the splash zone seats, crying as i was spat on.

my tears ricochet: this song is what i picture stepping outside in the middle of the night when an inch or so of snow has just fallen and i can see the flakes fall in front of a street light sounds like. or the scorned secret ex lover throwing themselves onto the coffin demanding to know why they weren’t enough.   which is to say it feels like a sign from some sort of god. yet again, haunting is brought up, an overt reference to the fact that this album will live in my brain rent free for eternity. for some reason this song reminds me of the relationship between hamilton and burr when burr kills hamilton. that could be because i just watched the disney+ recording last week. one lives, one dies, but neither survive, both pay for it. Which is a super romantic and understanding view on murder. both musical experiences equally chilling and moving. if i die under mysterious circumstances this will for sure be played at the funeral.

mirrorball: first off, this is my mom's favorite which is very important. also, it has skewered a very specific but also universal insecurity of mine; existing just to please others and yet miserably failing. it is comforting that ts is not a “natural’ and feels she must always “try try try” because i too lack natural ability, but also rarely “try” even just the one time. the best way i can describe listening to this song is walking through a silent disco where everyone else is listening to some classic lady gaga jam and you are listening to a calming lullaby sung very far away. but don’t let the soothing sounds fool you. it still will have you reflecting on what it means to look and be looked at. a dark rabbit whole, like falling through the looking glass. i’ve never actually read that book though so i could be wrong.

seven: i’m dumb and on my first listen of this song i thought she “hit her peak” at 7 clock as opposed to age seven. but i always saw taylor swift as someone with an early bedtime. also a fun discovery while writing this, “seven” is the 7th song on the track list. clever. although this song is young and innocent and so nostalgic for a time when screaming ferociously was a widely accepted form of expression, it also sounds like a very old secret someone is whispering to me. a love from long ago that lasts beyond the person being in your life, passed down to me and it all just sounds a little gay. not just because of the specific line to hiding in the closet. but that certainly doesn’t go unnoticed. when i was seven i was definitely in love with girls and assumed that was just what friendship was, playing pirates and making plans of running away together.

august: the eighth track for the eighth month. her mind. also my birth month so that’s special. controversial opinion: from what i’ve read most people seem to think illicit affair is the third song in the triage of teen love. i will strongly make the case that it's actually this one. first of all, the subject: a short lived summer fling, which is specifically mentioned later in “betty”. the central heartbreak of this song is liking someone who always belonged to someone else. yes, this song is a window into a different summer, far from pandemic central and the escapist imagery is delightful. but a whole song from the pov of the “other woman” to james and betty is just so much more fun. and there are two more specific lyrics that prove my point. “remember when i pulled up and said "get in the car”” you will see later comes back from the other person’s perspective. and most of all: the repeated line, “meet me behind the mall”? only teenagers make plans to meet up behind a mall. i rest my case. so now we have cardigan and august. two pieces of the puzzle.

this is me trying: i’m glad i now have a succinct message to send to anyone when they ask me what the hell i’m doing at any given moment. this song just sounds like regret and waste in the most self-assured and confident way. this is “back to december” with the training wheels off.  i have no apologies for my efforts at wasting all my potential. but in this song, taylor has opened her arms to me in a warm embrace and has forgiven me for all i’ve done wrong and reminds me to not take for granted the “try”. okay mom. i’m crying again, but okay.

illicit affair: this is the kind of thing that makes you feel sixteen, living in a dull suburb, while secretly screwing your 38 year old married neighbor who’s rich but wants to be an artiste. aka like a character in euphoria or something. it’s sexy and dangerous until you think about it and then it's just dingy and creepy. but this song starts and stays beautiful. most importantly, this song is too sad and depressing frankly, to be a part of the trilogy. we could never forgive james for leaving such a mess and making her a fool. you don’t want to be this girl. you want to walk up to her and shake her and yell “you exist and will not be ruined by any dumb man”. and that’s feminism.

invisible string: is it reductive if i say this one’s about joe? all my non-stan friends have asked me which ones are about him. we forgive them and point them in this direction. because it is lovely and beautiful that we are all tied to our soulmate for our whole lives before we ever meet them (because that would in fact mean that there is someone out there for everyone which might be naive or dumb but i am both of those things and whats the point of living if you don’t believe in the power of love). this honestly gives me “begin again” vibes in the best way. it’s red-era level with the wisdom of lover-era tay. sublime.

mad woman: the second mention of the “mad woman” as both taylor herself and the character in the story. as usual, tay stays calling out double standards and the manipulation of women into “going crazy” for expressing reasonable anger. I, personally, wish i could say “fuck you forever” without someone saying i’m “overreacting”. this is my least favorite song on the album and i’d still listen to it three times in a row and need to resist the urge to set a man’s lawn on fire. just girly things.

epiphany: i know she said this one is about her grandfather’s experience in the military but all i imagine is a slow montage of harry style’s character in “dunkirk” on the beach. and it’s beautiful. and much like my sophomore in high school self reading “all quiet on the western front” it evokes a pain from deep inside me that engulfs a loss i could never describe and a sadness too awful to witness. you will listen to this song and feel absolutely powerless to the will of the universe and it’s cruelty. and the faint but steady heart monitor beep in the background… i’ve never seen “grey’s anatomy” but i can imagine why it has so many fans sobbing. and let me end on this: two soldiers in some old war (meaning both men based on dunkirk) watching each other like this and living and dying together…gay.

betty: the first verse was pulled directly out of my subconscious fantasy of being in love in high school and it being so wonderful and painful and dramatic. and taylor riding a skateboard… is a mood. the song has been out for less than a week and it’s already a cold take to talk about how this is her gayest song to date (close runner-ups being reputation’s “dress” and “cardigan”). but of course i will still talk about it. the lyrics embody such authentic awkward gay energy (see the lesbian in booksmart for reference) and having been a 17 year old only three years ago, i can say with reasonably good authority that no 17 year old straight boy could stand in front of a crowd of peers and beg forgiveness from a girl he hurt. it’s just not realistic. these are all awkward, over-dramatic, young girls stumbling through love. and it’s awesome. james is the speaker of this song, and the subject of “august”, the summer fling that was never truly there due to james’ love for betty, the titular role of this song. thus completing the love triangle. and there are so many obvious references in this song to both “august” and “cardigan”. rhyming cardigan with car again makes me want to light myself on fire in the best way. i love it. “i dreamt of you all summer long” is the final nail in the coffin for the girl in “august” who was clearly just a place-holder. totally separate from taylor swift, my favorite word is porch. so the amount of times it appears in her lyrics is wonderful. say it out loud. it just feels nice. anyway, this song makes me want to be young and dumb and in love. the second can really only be tolerated because of the first and third. i hope the story has a happy-ending. if james were a boy i’d wish him the plague.

peace: the coming-of-age movie starring james and betty (and inez) is over. we have come to “the age” i guess. there’s a thought that’s gonna fester. if this song was just the line, “would it be enough if i could never give you peace?” over and over for four minutes it would still smash me to pulp and fill my body with helium gas. i can and will cause a car wreck when this comes on the aux. if this song is what being grown up is like (bare in mind grown up to me is like, 30) then i’m ready to be done coming of age. because i already worry if i’ll be at all enough for anyone and way too much for someone at the same time. but like all good poetry, this song isn’t about what it “means”, but how it “feels”. and this is new york city, the summer, pouring rain, a long walk home, desperately fearing and hoping they are there waiting for you.

hoax: a one-sided conversation between me and my stubborn clinical depression. i too, constantly stand alone on the cliff demanding a reason. one has not yet been presented. it operates both within and and against me. i could be bigger and stronger than it. but instead i tend to it like a prickly plant. (“no other sadness in the world will do”). there is nothing both sadder and funnier then the scene in “avatar: the last airbender” when prince zuko stands alone on a cliff screaming at the sky for lightning to strike him. i don’t know why this song reminds me so much of that. what a way to end such an emotional rollercoaster. it is so emotionally draining that it simply forces me to start folklore again from the top and listen to it all over again.  or take a long therapeutic nap.

there are no skips. and it will still surprise you on your 267th listen. proceed with caution.

i knew you, in a past life maybe. i have not met you yet, but folklore has made me believe you exist.

@taylorswift 10/10 good work

@taylornation this had to be shared and i don’t have a twitter so

[dragoon-of-all-trades]

My wings may be weaker, but I still will hold onto hope for something better.

I just need to verbal barf about the situation to make myself feel a bit better. This person isn’t on here, so I don’t have to worry about them seeing it. More below the cut, because I don’t want to bore people. 

A few days ago I had to say goodbye to someone I had taken the chance to know since 2014. It was a sobering moment where I realized the abuse and not feeling good enough in that friendship wasn’t worth it anymore, and I was just tired. 

I approached them when they had suddenly come back after a year long hiatus after being dumped by their boyfriend of 11 years. When she returned she kept putting depressing second names on her site making me ask if she was okay. She was shocked I’d notice as nobody else cared to, but I was concerned for her (I was just an admirer of her art prior). 

We talked and I tried to distract her mind but a few days later she made a huge vent piece where she just couldn’t take it and felt soulless and debated leaving again. I didn’t want her to, and I didn’t think an image with a heartfelt meaning would do anything, but I tried. I did a small comic of her being picked up by her favorite character and telling her that her story wasn’t over yet. It was the first time in several years she felt hope or something to that effect, so out of all the pieces in my galleries, I consider that one a triumph. 

However, after only 4 months, she fell back into her depressive slump. I knew it wouldn’t be a fix all, but I was happy to have given her something. I should have just seen this sign and knew that I should have kept her at a distance… 

Long story short, we continued to be there for one another to the best of our abilities (as we both have depression and what not). We drew gifts for each other and I helped her out with her character ideas when she asked for advice, and we probably wrote like 5 page messages to one another in email just to keep ourselves distracted. 

However, what I slowly began to uncover about her made me uneasy. When I found out her relationship ended because the guy was cheating on her since a month in but she refused to dump him because she was that eager for love, I got anxious. There was even a moment where she told me to my face she’d give up all her friends for one boyfriend. It really hurt to hear that I could be that easily replaced. Hell, when I got into any relationships with men she’d express her jealousy and start venting more on her own page (what a friend…). Well, come 2016, she snapped one day. It was like she was angry that all my hope and talks of how things would probably get better were all for nothing in those past few years, and she launched an all out verbal attack against me. 

She did come back to apologize, but the fact I told her angrily I wasn’t going anywhere and she couldn’t chase me off…I shouldn’t have done that. The moment that mask fell off, I should have taken the sign as a ‘get the fuck out, you have your own demons to battle’, but I didn’t. 

For the next several years I did everything to carry her woes and problems on my back, ignoring how often she’d sink her teeth and claws into my skin as if she was using me as her own verbal punching bag. I was worried about her, and I wanted to hope something good would come for her, because I wanted to believe she was a good person inside regardless of how increasingly frustrated I was getting as time went on. I mean, you can pray for a better life, but if you do nothing to make it better, you have yourself to blame, and that’s basically how it went with her—the world was to blame, not her. Regardless, the more I tried to comment on her art and tried to be there for her, the more dismissive she’d become. What further hurt was how she’d embrace her lifelong friend in the comments who only seemed to show back up for art trades and the fact I suddenly was around after her big fall apart. Then she’d turn around and instantly tell me in her own roundabout way to ‘fuck off’ and that my kindness and affection meant nothing to her. 

I finally had enough and vaguely vented about it on the website we were on together. She apparently KNEW what she was doing, because when no names were mentioned, she called herself out about it and basically said she had been walking on eggshells around me while also reminding me all the great things she did for me and how thankful I should be for them. 

Don’t get me wrong—I'm super grateful for the things she did both artistically and financially. I love her for them, but that doesn’t mean you can get a free pass to raise your hand and slap the ever-loving crap out of me and face no repercussion… 

At first, I was shaken, but the more I sat and thought about it, the more I realized I was shaking for her. I was worried what would become of her now because another friend ‘showed their true colors of being a villain in her eyes’. All those years I had warped my brain into only focusing on her, and that’s the unhealthiest thing I could do to myself. I think when she saw me taking steps away to focus on myself and not focus on her all the time, she grew resentful. She hated me for also giving her a reason to keep living and breathing when nothing became of it right away. I honestly don’t know what to say to that last part…It hurts thinking that someone would hate me for trying to save them. What further hurts is her abusive, manipulative ex who cheated on her for so long got many second chances, but I get none, because I cannot give her the love she wants, I guess. That REALLY hurts knowing my gender is a factor in how quickly she’ll say goodbye. 

So, forgive my quiet and weird behavior. I'm just kinda healing from that friendship abuse. It’s been so many years, and I'm just so exhausted. It is nice to breathe again finally.

[sweetdreamsjeff]

Obituary: Jeff Buckley

       Pierre Perrone                         

Friday 6 June 1997 00:02     The Independent                                                                                                                                                                        

Second-generation pop stars hardly ever live up to their illustrious parents. Jeff Buckley was the exception to that rule.

His considerable talent and distinctive soprano voice eerily echoed those of his father, the singer Tim Buckley, who died of a drug overdose in 1975. And, in the space of three years and one album, Jeff Buckley attained the cult status his troubled father had taken eight years and as many records to achieve. Yet, though they hardly had a chance to bond (Tim was estranged from Jeff's mother and died at the age of 28, when his son was seven), their tragic destinies mirrored each other.

Born in 1966, Jeffrey Scott Buckley was the result of a short-lived liaison between Tim Buckley and Mary Gulbert. In one of the few interviews Jeff Buckley later gave, he recalled that the couple:

broke up in the early Seventies. I was only about four when my dad left. I was really brought up by my mother and my stepfather. I owe them my most pregnant musical memories. They were together for about four years and the house was full of music. My mum would play piano and cello all the time and my stepdad had great musical taste. I would listen to anything: the Beatles, Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix, Joni Mitchell, Judy Garland, Robert Johnson, Thelonious Monk, Bartk, Mahler. And I asked a lot of questions. Learning about music seemed effortless. I guess I must have had natural abilities. Looking back, it felt like instinct.

Indeed, at five, the young Buckley had picked up his grandmother's guitar and taught himself to play. In Southern California, he might have felt rootless and restless, but music already seemed to drive him on. Aged 13, Jeff even wrote his first song, "about a break-up with a girlfriend. It was awful."

Having graduated from high school, the teenage Buckley left home, studied at the Los Angeles Musicians' Institute and played in a few rock and reggae bands (including Shinehead). In 1990, he moved to New York and started hanging out on the Lower East Side, forming Gods and Monsters, a short- lived group. He also guested at a Tim Buckley tribute concert where he attracted the attention of the producer Hal Willner.

Buckley only found his forte two years later when he started to perform solo with his electric guitar at coffee houses such as the Fez, Bang On and the Sin-e Cafe, in Greenwich Village. By the time the "Live at Sin- e" EP came out in late 1993, Buckley had evolved an amazing style, blending jazz, folk, rock, classical music, unusual covers (an epic version of Van Morrison's "The Way Young Lovers Do") and French chanson (Edith Piaf's "Je N'en Connais Pas La Fin) to create a fluid hybrid in which both listener and performer could lose themselves. He soon signed to Columbia Records and, fittingly for an exponent of the neo-hippie tendency, set about recording his debut album proper at Bearsville studios, near Woodstock.

Buckley left nothing to chance. Since he'd only been playing with the bassist Mick Grondahl and drummer Matt Johnson for a month, he called upon guests such as the ex- Captain Beefheart guitarist Gary Lucas (who'd already helped him shape some of the compositions like "Mojo Fin") and the avant-garde composer Karl Berger who provided unusual, flowing string arrangements. Andy Wallace's production did the rest and, by the end of 1994, rock critics the world over were praising Grace to the heavens.

The soaring, yearning vocals drew comparisons with Robert Plant, Jim Morrison and, predictably, Buckley's father. The puzzling, wide-ranging choice of cover versions (Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah", Benjamin Britten's "Corpus Christi Carol", "Lilac Wine", a standard covered by everyone from Nina Simone to Elkie Brooks) was discussed in hushed tones. Having added guitarist Michael Tighe, Buckley toured like there was no tomorrow, appearing at Reading and Glastonbury festivals and winning fans wherever he went. His vulnerable stage presence made girls swoon and he became an unlikely sex-symbol of the alternative music scene.

In 1995, Rolling Stone magazine named him Best New Artist and "Last Goodbye" became an alternative hit on US college radio. Yet, though Grace sold very well in Britain and France, Buckley never really appealed to the MTV generation. This suited him fine as he was keen to explore new musical horizons.

However, following up Grace's early promise proved difficult and Buckley marked time with various limited- edition releases ("Peyote Radio Theatre", among others). Last year, he guested with Jazz Passengers and appeared on Patti Smith's comeback album Gone Again. More recently, he paid tribute to the beat poet Jack Kerouac on Kicks Joy Darkness, a collection of readings which also features REM's Michael Stipe, the Clash's Joe Strummer, the actors Matt Dillon and Johnny Depp and the writer William Burroughs. Last December, internet fans could read a worrying message Buckley had posted on his website. It read: "I'm in the middle of some wild shit now. Please be patient."

Earlier this year, Buckley finally set about recording new songs in Memphis with former Television guitarist Tom Verlaine. But the resulting sessions had left Buckley somewhat frustrated and, having scrapped those and sent his backing musicians home, he was trying new material on his own while considering using the producer Andy Wallace again. There was already talk of a European tour to coincide with the album release in the autumn and Buckley obviously felt under pressure.

On 29 May, Buckley and a friend, Keith Foti, went to downtown Memphis and hung out at the Mud Island Marina with an acoustic guitar and a ghettoblaster. Having played some songs, Buckley decided to go for a swim in the Mississippi. His friend tried to stop him but Buckley jumped in fully clothed and still singing. As a boat passed by and created a large wave, Foti moved the ghettoblaster out of range of the water. When he turned round, Buckley had disappeared from view, probably caught by the undertow in the treacherous river.

Listening to Buckley's recordings again ("Eternal Life", dedicated to a long-lost lover, "Dream Brother", written about the father he didn't know), the sense of foreboding present in the lyrics proves overwhelming, never more so than in "So Real" during which the singer wails, "the nightmare. It sucked me in and pulled me under".

Jeff Buckley was fond of describing his wonderful songs as "dreamlike, coming from your subconscious. You have to let yourself go and it can scar you or destroy you. It's a bit like dying."

Jeffrey Scott Buckley, singer, songwriter, guitarist, organist: born Orange County, California 17 November 1966; died Memphis, Tennessee 29 May 1997.

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

NITA STRAUSS Plays JASON BECKER's Prototype 'Numbers' Guitar During ALICE COOPER Concert In Boston

Nita Strauss, the Los Angeles-based guitar shredder for the ALICE COOPER band, got to play Jason Becker's prototype Peavey "Numbers" guitar for one song during Cooper's concert last night (Tuesday, September 21) at the Leader Bank Pavilion in Boston, Massachusetts.

Earlier today, Nita shared an Instagram video of her playing the guitar, and she wrote in an accompanying message: "It's taken me 12 hours to find the words. What an incredible honor and a privilege it was to get to play @jasonbeckerofficial's original Numbers guitar on stage for a song last night. This guitar truly has Jason's magic in it… I felt like I couldn't miss a note if I tried!!! I was in tears walking off the stage thinking what that moment meant. I don't know when that guitar was last used on stage!! But I am so grateful to have had this opportunity!!

"Jason told Josh [Villalta, Nita's boyfriend, who also plays drums in her solo band and manages her career] and I years ago that he wanted his guitars to continue being played. At the time I was struck by how unselfish that thought was- there was no sense of bitterness, just that same joy and love of guitar that we all associate with Jason and his playing. Now that I've played it a couple times- I get it. I do.

"I hope I did it justice last night.

"Thank you to Benny @the_neurotic_guitarist for making this happen."

Jason's "Numbers" guitar is the first prototype Peavey made for Becker. A similar model was later put into production, but this was the first "Numbers" model ever made. During a visit with Jason, Eddie Van Halen played this guitar, and during the months-long virtual fundraiser for Jason, this guitar was played by Steve Vai, Tosin Abasi (ANIMALS AS LEADERS), Herman Li (DRAGONFORCE), Chris Broderick (ex-MEGADETH), Tim Henson (POLYPHIA) and Jason Richardson (ALL THAT REMAINS). The guitar was also thumb-printed by Jason.

Becker — the composer, virtuoso musician, and former child guitar prodigy — has been suffering from ALS for more than 30 years, but that hasn't stopped him from creating music. His latest album, "Triumphant Hearts", was released in 2018, after Becker composed the music via computer using his eyes and enlisted heavy hitters like Marty Friedman, Joe Bonamassa, Joe Satriani, Uli Jon Roth, Neal Schon, Jeff Loomis and Paul Gilbert to play the parts.

A child prodigy on guitar, Jason rose to prominence as a teenager when he was one half of the technical guitar duo CACOPHONY, with his great friend Marty Friedman. In 1989, at only 19 years old and after wowing audiences all over the world, the young virtuoso became the guitarist for David Lee Roth, following in the huge footsteps of Eddie Van Halen and Steve Vai. He wrote and recorded on Roth's third solo album, "A Little Ain't Enough", and was poised for superstardom when a nagging pain in his leg was diagnosed as Motor Neurone Disease (MND), also known as Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), or Lou Gehrig's Disease, the same condition Stephen Hawking lived with for over five decades. It is a fatal condition with a life expectancy of maybe five years. Maybe.

That was more than 30 years ago. He lost the ability to play guitar, walk, talk, and breathe on his own. But never lost his will to live or his desire to create music. Communicating through a series of eye movements with a system developed by his father, Jason spells out words as well as musical notes and chords. He imparts his musical vision to his team who then can input the notes into a computer, edit the parts to his exacting standards, and then generate charts for session musicians. His inspiring music and life story have been the subject of countless news articles and magazine cover stories.

[nicholasmeyler]

Researching Time-Travel

I copyrighted my first notebook about time-travel (“The Encryptment Thesis; Vol 1”) in 1995. About that time, a purloined version came out (or so it appeared to me), as a video game called “Buried in Time” by a fellow named Kripalani, based out of San Diego, CA.

  <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Journeyman_Project_2:_Buried_in_Time>

He had even (apparently, at least to my consciousness) stolen my idea or memory of time-travel machines being designed as spacesuit-like uniforms which were designed to save a Chrononaut’s life when/if he possibly materialized in deep space. Since the Earth moves, the Sun moves, the Galaxy moves, and the Universe is always expanding, any time one travels in spacetime (to the past or future) they could possibly materialize somewhere in space without an atmosphere. This was something I thought was actually a memory of mine, from clandestine days working with these devices. I had formed the opinion, or hypothesis, that I had worked extensively for the CIA, and then time-traveled back to a time and history (an alternate-world history) where those events never took place. Perhaps the invention of "Time-Suits" is an inevitability, equally anticipated by Kripalani and his cohorts. I do not know. I experienced them, firsthand, myself (as far as I know or can discern).

My grandparents were friendly with the CIA Director who was involved with Roswell, and I believe that the CIA acquired some time-travel and interstellar technology thru the 1947 event, as well as thru the “Philadelphia Experiment”. My opinion, at the time, was that these time-suits were actually real, and that this leaking (or plagiarism) of my copyrighted work was dangerous to National Security. In fact, I had already spent years petitioning the CIA, the FBI and the NSA for “any and all” files on Time-travel for National Security reasons. This was about a decade after I had invented what is known today as the “Iran-contra” plot, which was also based on the idea of time-travel and “closed timelike loops”. The plot itself is from p. 518 of James Joyce’s novel “Finnegans Wake” which is about the History of mankind. The novel ends exactly where it begins and is meant to be read as a cyclical narrative that reconnects to itself (much like a closed timelike loop). The plot was meant to contain my name in an encrypted fashion: “I ran = Iran= miler = Meyler” and “contra = Nicaraguan rebel = Nic = Nicholas”). I designed the plot this way, deliberately, back in 1983 or 1984.

Previously, I had found enormous amounts of evidence of time-travel encrypted in the Mozart symphonies, etc. which actually referenced not only me (by name) but the names of some of my dorm-mates in freshman year at Princeton. One of these was a Secretary of Defense/CIA Director’s niece, another a famous cancer pathologist (now). By studying this encrypted information, some of which referred to me as a President of the United States (composed around 1776), I became convinced that there would be a severe National Security catastrophe in the near future (this was around 1995). I wrote a letter to the FBI Office of Professional Responsibility in Washington, DC, headed by William Gore, trying to explain that I had extremely legitimate reasons for my requests for help. They simply ignored me, apparently.

By 2000, I had gotten more involved with Paranormal research and had taken classes and lectures from government agents who worked for the DIA, CIA and Army about how to use psychic abilities to gather Intelligence. I also joined a group of UFO watchers which was headed by a leading Psychic researcher and took classes from him, as well. At the same time, I renewed my efforts to convince the government, especially the FBI, that they needed to take my concerns about an impending National Security disaster seriously. I recall very clearly even having conversations with my Psychic friend, Peter, where he discussed that some of his contacts in the NSA were quite convinced that there was going to be an attack on the World Trade Center soon “and they’re going to get it, this time”.

I wanted to get my then-friend/ex-girlfriend (Sandra) who was a long-term MUFON member to go to the FBI with me with what we knew. She originally thought it was a good idea, but then backed out. I continued to try to explain the situation to the FBI, and indicated that specifically I thought Cher (singer-actress) might have some very valuable information on this, and that she needed to be investigated…

Completely without an appointment, and in a fairly hostile manner, the FBI showed up at my Office wanting to talk with me (after 6 months of me trying to get them to respond) and made a claim that I was ‘threatening’ Cher. This was around August 18, 2001. I reiterated at the time that I am nonviolent, and that I believed I had time-traveled, with information that was very important to National Security.

The agents were William Gore (the same person I had written to about the Kripalani video game and my concern with that being a ‘leak’ or plagiarism), and a man named “James Davidson”. I later learned that ‘James Davidson’ was literally the exact same name of the piloting instructor that taught the September 11 hijackers to fly jets, without being interested in learning how to land them. This in itself was very odd. Even odder was the fact that William Gore was now Station-Chief of the San Diego FBI Field Office, and that he was here in Los Angeles to speak with me. I did not make the connection at the time, having forgotten my earlier letter to the OPR in Washington DC in 1995 (found in Volume 1 of “The Encryptment Thesis”). I did not realize we had communicated previously.

Nonetheless, my story was very consistent, and I told him that I thought that I had important National Security Information related to Cher and time-travel, that I felt I had time-traveled, etc. He was skeptical, although James Davidson later stated that he thought I was very credible. Gore tried to get me to say that I was “Clairvoyant”, which was not what I had in mind, and I disagreed, although he might have been correct to some degree.

In 1989, Cher released her video of “If I Could Turn Back Time”, filmed at the L.A. Harbor, which my great-grandfather Captain James J. Meyler had designed in 1896. The movie “Groundhog Day”” with Bill Murray also features, and is based on, the idea of a time-loop, which re-initiates with the same day repeating every morning with the Sonny and Cher song “I Got You, Babe” on the radio. These sorts of clues made it quite obvious to me that my intuitions about Cher were indeed, correct, despite the incredibly lax work of the FBI, etc. I believe my investigation and research was entirely justified and totally above-board.

In any case, I did my very best to get them to try to investigate Cher for more information, but they apparently refused. It is worth noting that the one known active Al Qaeda cell in the USA, at that time, was in San Diego, and Will Gore would certainly have had to be aware of it at the time he met with me.

Sometime after 9/11, it was learned that three of the hijackers all had the same surname “Al Sheri”, while one had the surname “Al Shehhi”. I later learned that “Sher” is an Arabic name which means the same as “Usama” (i.e. meaning “lion”). I had tried to make it clear that even Cher’s name might be a clue of relevance, and had even repeatedly tried to contact Saul Kripke (author of “Naming and Necessity”) to try to get assistance and explain my position.

In retrospect, it is clear that the FBI did go to some lengths to try to address my concerns about time-travel and National Security, but why did they ignore me until 3 weeks before the attacks? Why were they so obviously aware of the danger of Terrorism emanating from San Diego, but so unwilling to do anything about it? Why did they send an Agent I had already communicated with about time-travel (6 years earlier) and an agent with the same name as the man who taught the Al Qaeda hijackers how to fly? Gore must have driven 130 miles to meet with me, from San Diego, without an appointment – and in a somewhat threatening manner.

To me, this seemed like a clear message that the FBI was not on the level, not legitimate, and more concerned with power than with human rights and fairness. I see that this does seem to confirm my suspicions about time-travel having happened to me at some point. I am still investigating the mystery.

The FBI next actually sent in Investigators from the Los Angeles DA’s Office to try to dissuade my attempts to investigate. Four days or so before the September 11 attacks, I remember saying to Investigator Kevin Sleeth “It is the responsibility of the time-traveler to warn Society about impending disasters”, but he responded with “Shut up. You are going to get into trouble if you keep talking about this. We are here to shut you down.”

Even after the attacks, I still received threatening calls from the DA’s Office warning me to never speak to any government officials ever again, and never to complain. I responded by death-threatening the Investigator and by filing an extensive complaint against him. The DA’s Office eventually apologized to me and sent me a letter confirming that the Investigator had been punished. I was not satisfied, since I wanted him to be prosecuted and imprisoned. Nonetheless, this is a 100% factual and accurate account. Much of the remaining correspondence is contained within the Vol 2 of “The Encryptment Thesis”, my second copyrighted work.

My interest in time-travel certainly extends back prior to authoring “The Encryptment Thesis, Vol. 1”. In fact, my family sold our home in Tarzana to a Producer known for time-travel movies such as “Somewhere in Time” and “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” back in 1982. I took a class at Princeton in Metaphysics of Time-Travel in 1980, although I did not consciously identify as a ‘time-traveler’ at the time. I believe that my memories had been wiped or repressed. I still believe that I experienced UFO landings in my backyard in Tarzana multiple times. Publicly available photos on Google still show satellite-views of circular indentations in the soil of the hillside (after 40 years), where growth of weeds is still highly repressed.

Convinced of the soundness of my logic, I have contacted over 800 Venture Capital firms trying to advocate the possibility of founding a company based on prediction and aversion of disasters, using logic and methodologies I had developed based on the premise of time-travel and superluminal information transmission. To my chagrin, the only company that even replied was Gefinor Ventures, founded by an Admiral who was a Director of the National Security Agency during the years I attended Princeton (1977-1981). I have also written to perhaps a dozen famous Physicists trying to discuss time-travel with them, but none of them replied, except for Stephen Hawking, who would send postcards acknowledging receipt.

What would You do, in my shoes?

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life Story Part 99

Unfortunately for me, on my first day of work, I was invited to see Okkervil River play down in Boise with Josh, Melissa and Whitney. I couldn't skip my first day of work however unlucky it was that it fell on the same day. So Allison ended up going instead. I ended up really liking Okkervil River later on when I was given more exposure to them and have always been sorry I didn't get to see the show. Allison got to meet Will Sheff the lead singer. She also got to know Whitney and Josh and Melissa better. Their connection to Zack ultimately was very limited. Whitney was his sister, but nobody was really involved with Zack since he had gotten into harder and harder drugs, and for the most part Josh, Whitney and Melissa  had chosen to cut down. They all seemed to love Allison too, admiring the fact that she played music and wrote her own songs, was cheery and enjoyable overall. Allison felt idolized by people, potential friends who were older than her, who made her feel mature. This really became a huge deal for her. She felt she had found her new family I think. Whitney and Josh became somewhat of an obsession for her in particular. When she got back she could talk about little else but them. She now had friends, and it meant more to her than anything in her young life. It meant she was differentiated from me, and could get away from whatever she found awful about me. It meant that she had finally found acceptance after pining for friendship for so long.

Alex, Sarah's ex, finally moved to Georgia. He had stayed for the last few months to say goodbye to some of his work friends at Shopko. Sarah and I drove up to her family's ranch to say goodbye to him for the last time before he went on his way. I guess despite the mess of him and Sarah's relationship, they had spent six years with one another. It was an awful long time, and they still had a strange history with one another and connection that couldn't be erased. They didn't want to leave with mutual dislike for one another. It was weird because just as I had begun to make friend with Alex, him and Sarah had broken up and he was moving. In fact, Alex had reached out to me to see if I was okay after he found out about Sarah's decision to be with Zack. He knew Sarah and my friendship enough to know that I was probably mentally destroyed by the whole ordeal. I sent him a message telling him I gave them my blessing. It was weird as I the smoke from that spring cleared just a bit, that my attitude about Sarah and Zack had done a one-eighty. I no longer was all that supportive or sympathetic. I was still hurt, but the hurt was becoming something else. I was growing to accept certain parts of what happened, and no longer seeing every detail of what came next as being significant or having anything to do with me really. I had my own life to live. But back when Alex had asked me if I was okay on facebook, I hadn't been able to articulate that.

I remember we hung around in the hammocks and Sarah and Alex reminisced about the fun times they had had early on in their relationship, and how they had grown to bigger and better things. They avoided the topic of Zack. Alex might have said something about Zack being a drug addict, which made Sarah uncomfortable and change the conversation. For some of it, I went on my own and picked flowers. It was a pleasant and somewhat reserved goodbye. We all hugged one another and Alex left. He would be going to Georgia. Sarah gave him her truck that she had gotten from her mother, and he took their cat Gooboo with him and off he went to start his new life elsewhere.

I still having a terrible time, but the terrible time was changing into something euphoric. I could never manage to fully explain it to anyone. I felt like I was being driven and change into something that felt a little bit like hysteria. Reality was not grounded, but in a new way then the ungrounded reality of winter. In a way, this lack of clarity was more wild and vivid and involved action and feelings that needed to be expressed. I didn't feel the movements happening around me. I was the movements. I was the universe. I was connected to the vibrations of everything, and I became whatever I felt which could be anything at any given time. I felt invincible for weeks straight, and at random intervals I felt like death and I would cry. I couldn't show it much of the time at my new job – but I found ways to channel that energy when I worked, I couldn't act the crazy that I felt inside mostly, but I would go home some nights and I would still sob uncontrollably, or laugh uncontrollably. And internally, I began to wonder if there was something chemically off balance about me. I remembered getting diagnosed with chemical imbalance when I was in fifth grade. I remembered all the reactions I had had in my youth, all the strong ups and downs. I remember in the alternative school, Jenni telling me that Mike thought there was something psychologically off about me. It was hard to tell where circumstances made my behavior normal, and which parts of it were all me. Because life had been wildly unfair to me. I say this without self pity. I wasn't dealt the worst cards, but they were pretty shabby just the same. And no matter how crazy I was, had there ever been someone in my life who wasn't crazier than me? How could I gauge if I was well or not.

Looking at the diagnoses for bipolar disorder, I began identifying with a lot of it. I felt malleable and crazy and ready to take all manner of risks. I had started feeling anxious and euphoric at times when I was a teenager. And I had found ways to deaden this side to myself, but now there was no filter for those feelings. I felt euphoric and powerful, and fell into these dark irritable moods. I rarely took things out on people, but I had recently confused Allison by demanding that she start playing Ziggy Stardust the next time I started to cry, and when she did so I chastised her and told her she was being insensitive, and got in her face about it. Which was wrong on my part and I felt like an ass as I did it, but it annoyed me so much the idea that she could remedy my misery automatically. I had told her she could of course, but now I was finding myself insulted by her following the orders that I had put out. Of course I had no means of taking risks, at least not many – but if I had money I would have gambled. If there was some viable options for relationships of any kind, I could have found myself throwing myself out sexually as a means of self destruction. Fortunately, there were never many outlets for me to pour myself into.

Of course, I never got a real diagnosis for bipolar disorder, and my cycles didn't/don't always align with the cycles that are put forth by the psychiatric community. Over the years, I have monitored myself and I think what it comes down to is this. I probably have what some people consider, type 3 bipolar, Cyclothymia. My moods go up and down like bipolar, but the depression is generally not as low as it goes, and my ups aren't so destabilizing that I entirely lose it, but I still am on a very rocky boat, and my perception changes on me drastically. It's difficult to diagnose, and it's questionable if medication would be worth it in my particular situation because I have found ways to manage it almost – so long as everything is going somewhat smoothly in my life (no break-ups or deaths). However, if I am going through very troubling life circumstances, my symptoms start to look like type 2, and in these situations I really can fall. I begin to become delusional. Which is why I require a lot of self monitoring – more self monitoring than people probably recognize. It makes me seem self absorbed, but often times it's just there is a complex science to understanding myself and where I am at. It's hard because with a type 2 bipolar diagnosis, I would have something concrete to explain to myself and the world what it's like to be me, but since I don't generally and I feel mildly silly at times for self diagnosing (I fall as well in a low level autistic spectrum), I am hesitant to say anything about it to anyone. The summer of 2011, I could probably have used some therapy and medication. It would have done me a world of good I am sure. But of course, therapy and medication is for people who have insurance. Dishwashers generally don't get insurance.

Honestly too I guess, I am not always certain I really want to get rid of the ups and downs (mainly the ups). It's come to be a part of who I am – regardless of what I do or do not have. I worry mostly about the potential for spiraling out of control when stuff gets hard, and I have never really had any support with this aspect of my personality. I am completely on my own. I can never fully trust myself either – I have time periods when I need very little prompting to make terrible destructive decisions, and while I was doing it I didn't even know. I feel like I am addicted to life, and everything I do is intriguing and great, and then later on I have to deal with it. There is potential for disaster in me. I lack boundaries. Sarah has pointed out that I am very malleable. But I guess I could argue that if I am not to be trusted, then neither is anyone else. When you shift between perspectives often, you realize that people who flat line in one perspective sometimes lack the ability to realize that everything is perspective – and we are all doing the best we can from where we are at emotionally and psychologically.

One thing that is hard is that when your falling there is this unspeakable disappointment – like everything you believed in and are working on is a lie. I fill up with dread and shame and confusion. It feels like life is over. My whole body hurts and I lay in bed for days and just can't think. It lasts for about a month to six months straight, and everything I have to do like going to work is much harder and I feel ugly and ashamed and numb all the time. Writing helps me through because it reminds me that my thoughts are real and that I am a person of some kind. I have to take steps to get back on my feet – force myself to eat properly, do things for myself I don't want to do – shower, dress up, and when I finally do get on my feet I am fine for a few months, and then something sparks in my mind and I am ambitious and euphorically excited to be alive and everything gets crazy and magical again. This can be mild or really intense, depending on what's happening in my life, but the fall from grace is just horrible feeling. It comes on like when you know you are becoming nauseated due to the flu. You just have to brace yourself and accept that the gig of feeling really good is over for awhile.

I worry too that I will be seen as weak and this is ultimately the grand scheme of my personality. I feel defensive because otherwise, when I get comfortable in any given situation I know that my gauge and reaction to how I fit into the picture is skewed. Whether I am up or down, I don't have the kind of pragmatic middle ground that keeps me safe or levelheaded. I am not really exactly crazy in the sense that I am dangerous to other people directly, but there is a lack of level ground to go home to and if someone were to take me seriously I feel like I would burn them out pretty bad. I am to a degree, whatever state I happen to be in – and it causes me to seem chaotic, counterproductive, easily distracted and inconsistent so relying on me could potentially disappoint and confuse people who think they understood who I was before. I am always vulnerable at all times to whoever wants to take advantage of me for this reason as well. I am embarrassed and insecure when I am down, and when I am up I become easily flattered and obsessive and both manipulative and manipulated. I make decisions based on curiosity and don't think of the outcomes. I see myself as a chaotic and potentially damaging person who at times must be quarantined. So for this reason, I go between intense feelings of not trusting myself to be around others and not trusting other people to being around me, and then deeply wanting comfort and support and to be extremely intimate with other people and smothered – but then I resent that too because I want to feel independent and free, so there is no winning. I have to invent walls to make people not want to be around me, because I fear they will think I am crazy if they knew me. And what I need one day I do not need the next. I honestly feel guilty whenever I want to be closer to people.

The benefit is that I feel like I can reexperience childlike delight in living to some extent the way a lot of people around me cannot. I will always eventually be rewarded with a certain wave of euphoria and a heightened sense of being that always seems worth the sadness I previously experienced. I become very creative. I have a vision of what it is that I want and who I am. The fog clears. It's intense and real. I can take charge of things that were difficult before. It ends too soon, but in those times I feel very alive. I guess I wouldn't want to stabilize because this is the only way I know how to get things done. And in my middle points, I know what it feels like to be both up and down. With this perspective, I can grasp a lot of concepts. I can understand say, something entirely unrelated to myself, World War 1 for instance. I can look at it from multiple vantage points, and I can do so through the guise of knowing and seeing through the lenses and memories of my own angled vision. Which sounds really strange, but it has helped me write good papers so I think I am onto something.

Call it a mood disorder, or the change of the seasons, but I was beginning to emerge from the spell I was under, damaged permanently, but I walked out alive just the same. I had accepted that there was no going back to the old life. Whatever fate had dished out, it hadn't been what I had expected it to be. But through those difficult months (which I wasn't entirely over yet), I had found a sort of strength and knowledge of myself, and the longer I went on surviving, the more I came to trust my own instincts, to follow my intuition, and to be my own person. I didn't want to wait for things to happen to me. My entire life had been one long ugly wait for one thing and then the next. I wanted to make things happen for myself.

It was probably rather strange, likely influenced by The Dresden Dolls or Klaus Nomi, but I sometimes would go into the bathroom and paint my face up like a clown – not the typical clown one hires to do gimmicky stuff and laugh creepily at birthday parties, that isn't the type of clown I was. I was a perriot clown, something artistic and strangely pretty and ornamental and frightening. I felt internally like a shattered doll, something broken and upsetting and perfect in it's brokenness. Maybe to others I was just a minimum wage slave, maybe Sarah and Zack were too dull to fully recognize who I was internally in the ballroom theater of my inner life. And I was more than that. I could do whatever I wanted. I could be a painter, a musician, a performer, a writer. No doubt David thought of me as somehow a foul terrible person – and perhaps he had a point. Maybe I had just broken to the point where I didn't care anymore. In any case, I was happier and had more of a vision seeing myself through the lenses of my own imagination. I was more productive in how lived. I felt the preciousness of life in each breath I took. And really, I didn't perform most of the time or behave in any way that might seem as wild and as vivid as the self image I had of myself laid away in my mind, but it was there, and the outer world and my place in it was somewhat of a mask.

I let go of some assumed expectation, and instead I chose to be myself. Whatever was meant to be would be – my natural identity was my destiny and I was going to live so strongly as me that there could be no mistake or imperfection or forlorn sense of loss. I would attack my goals, not with a sense of duty, but with a passion for my visions and my feelings. I wasn't going to worry anymore about offending others. I think this was my way of breaking free from the identity that I had thought was me for so long, the corner I had been painted into socially by friends and family who either meant me well or didn't but had never fully understood me. I was becoming the girl my father had tried to terrorize me into hiding – and now she was coming out and taking power over the game. She was now me  - I didn't have to lock her up in a box anymore or check with Sarah to see if it was okay to be myself anymore. I wasn't ashamed to feel feminine or excitable or pretty anymore.

I threw away most of my jeans and t shirts that weren't for work, and I instead decided from there on then that I would always look my best – I would paint my eyes and my lips, and chose to wear dresses always. Wearing dresses had always been taboo for me. I had never felt confident with my own femininity or pretty enough to wear them. I wasn't allowed to wear them in school – mostly due to the kind of pressure that I would have come up against and the fact that I was afraid to feel helpless and gross somehow. At home my father had this unspoken assessment that wearing dresses was a sexual act. He hadn't shamed me, but given how he always sited studies that said that men were more attracted to women who wore dresses over jeans I had this feeling he would have been threatened by the idea that I was going to bring men home if I wore dresses. There was stigma to dresses – being dolled up was a weapon. It implied I was both a weak girly fool, and a lecherous whore – but somehow it meant that I was brave in a way that I hadn't been raised to be. And I hadn't had any female influence in my life to make the transition easier. I didn't know what to wear, or how to wear it. So wearing dresses was part of my truer self. It was empowering, and it was the way I was going to live my life from here on out.

I ended up getting an ear infection the first week that I worked in the dish pit. I had to wear a plain black baseball style cap and it covered my ears and between the sweat of working hard and the steam that rolled out of the dish machine, my ears became moist inside and I ended up with swimmer's ear. In a way, this ear infection was my new becoming – just like the one I had had at seventeen had been a becoming of sorts. I came out of the intense mind numbing feverish pain transformed and humbled. I managed this ear infection however, somehow I miraculously didn't have to take any days off of work. I went to the hospital, and they billed me three-hundred dollars to see a doctor for five minutes and get a very tiny bottle of ear infection medicine that did very little. I still have not paid the bill. When I ran out the infection came back. I didn't want to have to pay thousands of dollars because of the ear infection and I didn't want to go back to the doctors, so I instead looked up natural remedies to swimmer's ear online, and I discovered that the bacteria responsible could not live in certain pH conditions. Vinegar would kill anything growing in my ear, so I began to pour vinegar in my ear and almost immediately the ear infection cleared up. For a few weeks though, I smelled like apple cider vinegar. And my inner ear stung a bit from the acidity of the vinegar.

My mother was laying in her strange place one day as I was preparing to go to work, and she began asking me what was wrong with Sarah. Why was Sarah wasting her youth on some ugly mugged idiot who was clearly using her for her money. It was hard to picture Sarah as the fool she was clearly being. It was painful to watch Sarah so transparently give up so much of her individuality and things about her that made her so great to this horrible person who didn't even recognize or appreciate her. I shrugged and told my mother to ask Sarah about it – because honestly, I had lost the plot and I questioned my own ability to see through the reeds.

So then Sarah came out of her bedroom, and my mom told her to come to the bed and sit down to have a chat. My mom, quite confusingly, and much to her credit was the only adult that actually sat down and tried to talk to Sarah about where she was going with her life throughout this entire ordeal. My father had for some reason wanted to bring her down in some fashion, and Sarah's own mom was more or less left in the dark. I feel like Carol understood more than she let on, but the idea of her precious daughter running around with the likes of Zack wasn't something she personally felt she could face. Carol could be strong in some circumstances, a very industrious and straight forward person. But she could also be incredibly avoidant about personal issues that mattered, particularly where Sarah was concerned. She was afraid to admit to herself that Sarah was messing up, and she was afraid to tell Sarah what to do. She was secretly worried I am sure.

My mother explained it well. She didn't come from a position of loathing Sarah for hurting me, she didn't react defensively or rudely or come at it from an angle of trying to put Sarah down. She asked Sarah what on earth was going on with her. Was she okay? Could she not see that Zack was a terrible boyfriend? She asked her details about Zack. Sarah did her best to answer, and did her best to make excuses – but it sounded weak to her as soon as she made those excuses. Her voice faltered. My mom tried to explain to Sarah that she had also had boyfriends who were bad for her in her own life, men she had wasted absurd amounts of time on, who used her for her money (remember James), and wouldn't work. And in my mother's experience as a bartender for low end bars in town, she had seen men like Zack and they were always terrible and the women who ran after them thinking they would be the one to change them always came out of the situation short handed and oftentimes bitter about it. And my mom wanted to see Sarah with someone who would at least do his part financially. She wanted Sarah to thrive. She was too beautiful to be wasting herself on this gross selfish creep who didn't even change his clothes. Sarah didn't need to be with a junkie or a methhead. She deserved better,

In a way, it was sort of therapeutic for me to be in the room witnessing this conversation. I just sat at the computer desk and listened. It was stuff that I should have had the clarity to say, but it wouldn't have worked if I talked to Sarah at this point. For one, the whole thing was way to personal to me, as it had been a huge part of my recently discarded life. I couldn't be the friend that Sarah needed because it would seem selfish – either due to the fact that I desperately wanted Sarah's friendship again and Zack was hindering that, or I wanted revenge or some kind of personal sense that I had to break the two of them up – and in any case the situation of me talking about my feelings at all was touchy. I was just a touchy person these days and my emotions were wild and sometimes seemed disproportionate to the problems at hand – at least they seemed that way to everyone on the outside. I was not a reliable witness. Secondly, by following Sarah and Zack around and trying to love them both – I had been endorsing their relationship – my stamp of approval had already been put on it and the ink had dried. I didn't support them anymore, didn't find them interesting either, but it was too late for me to be taking back my endorsement. It was sad to say this, but regardless of either one of us had done to whom, in the end I couldn't' be the friend that Sarah needed and she couldn't be the friend I needed. So for my mom to step in and tell Sarah that she wasn't being evil, that she wasn't so special that she could cure addiction, that her relationship wasn't magical, and that Sarah was allowed to acknowledge she made a mistake – it was helpful.

In the end, Sarah deflected most of what my mother told her, and just repeated that she believed in Zack and loved him. My mom told Sarah it wasn't love at some point, and Sarah didn't agree. To an extent it was easy to pull apart my mother's life and see that despite how right she was in Sarah's given situation, my mom probably didn't know what love was either. She was spending her days talking to Asian men and pretending she was going to fly out there to live as a sexy mother Theresa once she dropped some pounds and started saving her money, paid off her debt and got a passport to whatever current country she was planning on going to which had not yet happened and didn't seem like it really would. All the same, the conversation aged well, and it is remembered as a noble effort on my mother's part to do the right thing in this given circumstance.

On the 4th of July Zany's closed for the holiday, but it was a day where some of the kitchen workers were paid to come in early anyway to pull out kitchen equipment and clean behind things that rarely ever got cleaned. I was scheduled to come in that day – thought truth be told there wasn't a lot I could do to help the guys. I didn't mind working. Anymore, while I was at work I had a purpose and I didn't feel sad or uncertain. It was always kind of a pain to my self esteem to be around people who were uncomfortable with me or tired of hearing me talk. I liked getting out of the house. One of the few things Nicholas told me to do was something involving a vent and a pipe and I had absolutely no idea what he meant. He didn't want to teach me, and seemed annoyed that I didn't know what to do. If I had asked him to instruct me he would have gotten proud and annoyed at me for it, so I just went into the dish pit and looked at the area I was supposed to do something with and waited for a nice person to come in and help me. I think it was a matter of fixing something. It involved tools I had never been shown.

Nicholas was the kitchen manager, but the real leader of the group was this guy named Levi. He generally worked in the deli area of the kitchen. He was in his mid to late twenties. He could he commanding and cold when it was necessary, but he was also very moralizing and fun. Everyone liked him. I liked him. He brought the best out of everyone around him. He knew when people were struggling and unlike the other fools, he often times tried to help people rather than put them down. He was the best worker in the whole restaurant for this reason. He was married to one of the waitress supervisors named Dani who worked at Zany's as well. She was very genuine and nice. They had a daughter together, and had been married for two years. Standing in the dish pit I felt vulnerable and fearful that Nicholas would catch me not completing this mysterious task that he had ordered me to do and insisted that I should already know how to fix. Levi came in and smiled at me. I asked him timidly and quite awkwardly if he would help me. He looked at what I was talking about, and he laughed. He said he would come back and help me. He couldn't believe Nicholas expected me to fix this thing myself.

So in a few minutes he came in and him and a few of the other guys set about laughing and joking around and showing me what I needed to do. I stood there helplessly watching as carefully as I could so that I never found myself in the uncomfortable predicament again. Nicholas came in the room as they were finishing the job, and he looked at me fiercely and demanded that I be the one who fixed the pipe. He demanded that I couldn't be getting the other people in the restaurant to do my job. Levi seemed to have this weird natural way about him. He amiably told Nick that I didn't know how to do what he had asked, and in any case it would have been an even worse disaster had I tried to do it myself. He basically shielded me from Nick, who carried on to order someone else to do something in an attempt to maintain an ere of control.

Levi smiled down at me, and in that moment I got this strange lump in my throat and butterflies in my chest and I looked down and blushed. I realized that I was having an idiot girl moment like in a bad movie. I couldn't believe this! I thought Levi was cute in like, the most basic primitive stupid way that I pretty much had counted myself as too good for years ago, and it was embarrassing for me. He had done the basic man thing and helped me do something I didn't know how to do myself, and now he had just 'protected me from danger'. He wasn't poetic – he hadn't displayed any of the refinements of a sophisticated and complex. This isn't to say that Levi was dumb – he wasn't dumb at all. But he wasn't structured like that. In no way shape or form did he seem like a match for me, nor did I truly think I was in love with him in that moment or have any ideas of this going anywhere. Which made me feel even more foolish. How confusing!

He hadn't done anything particularly special other than be the generally benevolent leader that he always was – but I had just melted like butter on account of it. He had this caring kindness in his eyes, and an attractive face. I really liked his round face and his dark complexion (he was of Native American decent). And he was always very humorous and in control and brave and self sacrificing. He was so well balanced.  And when someone pissed him off, he confronted with them about it fairly. And he got stuff done. He was essentially all the things that Zack wasn't.

But dear lord did I feel silly. Because I was crushing on this guy I had nothing in common with. And I was attracted to him in this corny conventional way and I couldn't control myself– the way of the way basic as hell teen movies presented girly crushes, and I was supposed to be above this! It had always seemed foolish and dumb, taking into account all the romantic characteristics I had gotten from books, and all my high expectations. And here I was admiring this guy's shoulders and feeling weak in the knees because he was 'manly' and soft at the same time. Furthermore and most importantly, he was married! Very Married. I knew his wife. She was a really sweet lady. There was absolutely no place for me in this scenario that seemed wholesome in any way, or realistic. There was absolutely nothing to pursue. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. Pursuit was the only thing I really knew how to do in these situations. Quietly perhaps, but I wasn't able to just let it be. But I couldn't do anything, so instead I just internally combusted whenever Levi said hi to me or smiled at me.

From then on, I was always excited to go to work if Levi was there. I would eventually get comfortable enough to joke around with the rest of the kitchen but when Levi said anything to me I sort of stiffened up. If I let myself be comfortable around him, then it would all come tumbling out somehow and my awkward secret would be spilled out for all to see all over the dish pit floor. Because I didn't have those boundaries like other people did. If I got comfortable then my body language and my eyes would betray me and I would be revealed as the true creep that I was. So my only recourse was to create physical boundaries by not letting myself get too comfortable. It wasn't hard because whenever he was in my presence I stopped thinking clearly. And it confused Levi because he really liked me in this totally innocent way and he interpreted my reaction to him as fear – which in a sense he was right, but for the wrong reasons. He told me himself several times that he thought I was one of the best workers in the kitchen, and that I seemed like I really bright, sensitive and intelligent girl. He didn't mean it as a form of hitting on me or some ulterior motive flattery. But I melted a little bit when he talked to me.

I felt really bad about it, but there was something kind of addictive about the guilt so when I attempted to shame myself into not thinking about it, I thought about it even more. I felt like some kind of Golemlike creature that was staring into Levi and Dani's living room window jealously on a dark serene Christmas night, wishing that I could be included in the family somehow with some kind of absurd Phantom of the Opera like madness of swooping in and stealing Levi and making him weird like me so he could live in the sewers and be my husband instead of Dani's. Perhaps I am exaggerating a little when I say it like this. But I often wondered what it was that attracted me to Levi, and when I thought about it long and hard I started to feel enormously sad. I think it was because Levi seemed very stable and kind. He was very assertive in a way that I didn't know how how to be, and very warm and huggable in a way I didn't feel like I was. And I had never had anything that was very stable or kind in my life. Most men I knew were mean and unpredictable and likely violent. In the end, I had to watch my back, and be careful not to bruise their tender egos else they would make me pay for it. I had grown up second nature with a mistrust that men had honest intentions and when I was around men I felt a little bit gun shy. And Levi was so fucking nice.

I had started to go through the process of befriending my own brokenness. I don't think my self esteem was the greatest, but I didn't process self hatred when I looked at myself in the mirror anymore. It was counterproductive to feel self pity or spend too much time thinking about what I didn't have. I looked at myself as a project of sorts – and in that sense I wasn't afraid to snip and break any part of me that could not fulfill my own goals, but I wasn't in the game to beat myself up anymore – at least not in the societal sense. I had come to terms with myself and my body and how life would be – so long as I kept moving forward and matching my own expectations. But I would never have what Levi had. Whatever it was that Levi embodied, it reminded me of a time in my early childhood where I had been acquainted with a simple sense of goodness, like the way a batch of cookies smell good in the oven. There wasn't much to think about or sort out. It was just delightful and good. I wanted life to be simple and good again. It wasn't the worst life. I had built this palace of ideas and exhilaration and sorrow. I wouldn't have given it up for anyone. But I was also tired and weary and Levi's limited presence in my life offered something that appealed to my childlike need to find something that felt like home.

There was a wall between me and the Levi's world though – and it wasn't something that was going to be broken down. I knew my place and even liked my place. I was made for more. I wasn't in the game to play house with someone. And in that sense I was kind of a Golem staring into the window as Levi and Dani watched their daughter open Christmas presence, unbeknownst to them that I was spying into their lives like a loathsome curious worm. I felt sort of like a creep being so attracted to Levi. I felt badly whenever Dani was nice to me. I felt like I was disrespecting her in some fundamental fashion by coveting her husband. She also liked me and thought I was bright and honest. I think she was mostly going by what Levi said about me, but it was enough to make me feel guilty.

And of course there was this disturbing part of me that entertained how I could edge in to Levi's life. I remember having this dream where I went into work, and everyone was gone in the whole building. I went into the back of the restaurant and looked down the line and there was Levi – he was the only one there, and the walls and the floor seemed to shake and yet everything was painfully and grossly clear. He didn't know I was there somehow, but the intensity of it being just him and I in the restaurant gave me this weird sense that my mind was boring into his life in ways I knew better than to do. Upon waking, I had this notion about how I could probably make myself seem cooler and more fun and personable to Levi than Dani. It would take years of rehearsing and focusing. It wouldn't break them up, but if I spent six insane years trying to break them up I could probably manage to make Levi very unhappy and confused. And I would have made some kind of weird mark on him and there was something satisfying in knowing that I could alter or change him – separate him from his family and his old life – give him some abstract thing to chase after rather than the comfort of family and the next meal.

And waking up with that feeling, I was covered in sweat and I felt guilty and sick and my skin hurt. This is sort of what I mean when I talked about having a bad side to me now. Because before Zack and Sarah, I never would have considered this. I would have calmly accepted Levi was with Dani and it never would have crossed my mind to manipulate that situation in my favor. Of course, I didn't manipulate anyone, and I never would. I would never ever make another woman feel terrible about herself or insecure in her relationship if I could ever possibly help it, even if some sick part of me felt compelled to do so. But having thought about it, and having had the kinds of dreams that lead me down this psychological journey, I felt like I had already done it, or at least laid down the psychological groundwork, and in that sense I had already done a very bad thing regardless of Levi or Dani could recognize it.

Later that 4th of July night, I begrudgingly went with Sarah and Zack to sit on the Lewiston hillside and watch the fireworks go across the town and decorate the sky and the reflect in the Snake and Clearwater River. I could see all the little lights of the town, I could see the light that was where my mother lived, I could see many of the places where my mom had moved us all, I could see the businesses I had known since I was very little. I could see Zany's and the area where Levi lived, the factory, the places I had attempted to apply to work at. It all seemed so small, and when I looked at the town from below, it made me want to choke. I felt this sick crazy feeling that it wasn't enough and I needed to get far away. And beyond the town, I could see the endless miles of empty eastern Washington desert that stretched out for hundreds of miles before finally turning into the Cascade Mountains – so far from the cities and places where things happened and I could find people who might understand me. This was the world I had always known. And it wasn't enough. It looked small. It gave me this perspective of how small I was in this ugly little town. Someone like Levi could flourish and do well here. But for me, I needed something more. I longed for something I would never find in this little crevasse of the world.

PART 98 - https://tinyurl.com/y7pjvn95

PART 97 - https://tinyurl.com/ybvlfusf

PART 96 - https://tinyurl.com/y8cm6pdy

PART 95 - https://tinyurl.com/ybxq2o5j

PART 94 - https://tinyurl.com/y8k7mwq4

PART 93 - https://tinyurl.com/yc8mae7e

PART 92 - https://tinyurl.com/yb7bwsuw

PART 91 - https://tinyurl.com/yar8e8rp

My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-90 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far).

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-90

[for-kh]

on anger

okay so I swear I thought I was a more mature person but, even in your impaired state, seeing you texting, calling, messaging girls from your past fills me with inexplicable rage. Of course I'm not going to question or get angry with you now... that's the last thing you need. But I think that's what makes it so hard. I wanna talk about it with you and just laugh it off and accept things and let them go. But right now I can't!!! So my thinking-too-much mind is just festering with some truly hurtful thoughts!

And the things you've said... like how you think you like your ex better than me. And that part of you wants to break up with me. I know this isn't you being fully aware of your surroundings and that you still have some healing to do before everything feels normal to you again... but hearing you say that in your own voice with a dead serious expression pierces me. I think I am a strong person but, still, my heart is pretty soft.

Honestly, I couldn't care less about the dumb flings. Everyone wants to have a bit of fun now and then. But the emotional things are what feel like little steak knives stabbing me in the chest.

The messages you showed me on your phone where you'd send PARAGRAPHS upon paragraphs of your writing that I enjoy so much but directed towards another girl only like a month before we met?? telling a girl she is the first thing you think of when waking up weeks before we started dating?? I mean... isn't that some real feelings kind of stuff?? you've never told me that I'm what you think of when waking up. And the girl ended up not responding to you. So together it feels like I'm just a second choice. Frrrrrriiccckk that hurts to think about.

And the fact that she didn't even respond. Like, what you wrote was truly something touching and honest. But she didn't even appreciate that! That angers me!! How can she not see that?? Your ability to express your emotions through art, writing, films, whatever, is such an attractive, rare, precious thing. I saw this long ass message you wrote from your heart to her and the way she ignored you made me just go.......

There's this weird storm inside of me that is made from retrograde jealousy, insecurity about my body, and also a strangely high sense of dignity that comes out every now and then. This is so dumb to admit but I just want to be honest with you. I want this blog to be my honest feelings and thoughts through all of this.

Just to every girl in your past (except the nice ones where it ended well and you are still friends maybe)... they can go shove a sharpened pencil up their pee hole..

Anyways I know it's not your fault, baby. You're dealing with so much and your brain is still healing and rebalancing and becoming more and more aware so I know you're not doing these things to intentionally hurt me. After all you're commitment phobic yet you wanted to be in a relationship with me after one date. I know you care. Seeing those ocld messages and you trying to dial them up and such just unleashed a primal monster of envy in me.

I feel better already having typed this mess all out.

[PMS edit a week later:

I think PMS is making me really emotional right now and I haven't talked to you or your mom today so I'm just feeling a little sad and worried. It's making me think about this stuff again and I didn't wanna make a whole new post on it so I'm just gonna ramble a bit more here cause it felt good to let it out last time.

I was thinking about talking to you on the phone a couple days ago. You told me more about your exes. I'm not sure how much of it is true or not but really... I couldn't change the subject. Part of me still wonders if the things you said are true even if you are still waking up, like how truth comes out of a drunk person's mouth.

Telling me you want to break up with me multiple times...i keep hearing that in my head. You told me I had the same name as your ex and showed me on your phone a Gabriella?? I wonder if that's why you insist on calling me Gabe. Maybe that's not even your ex. Who knows. I keep asking you who these girls are but you can't really give me an answer.

Is this dumb?? Is it dumb for me to be crying over this? I had a bit of a selfish moment in the hospital when I was there last time. I'm sorry, I got a little upset. I don't think you noticed, though. I kept trying to talk to you, to get you to look at me, but you just kept dialing this girl you had a one night stand with or something. And then liking all of this one girl's photos on Instagram (lol) that you seemed like you knew. You kept just doing that and talking about your exes I just got overwhelmed.

I think the combination of seeing you stuck in the hospital and doing and saying these things about your past relationships and barely noticing me there (even though this is not your fault and not intentional) just kind of broke me and I teared up a little. Your mom wasn't there, don't worry!! I won't make her worry about such silly stuff as me!

Do you still like me? It's hard to imagine. I want to be there for you through all of this, and I will be. I can't help but think it was all some sort of cosmic coincidence that you asked me to be your girlfriend just a week before this all happened. But it's not just something I feel like I have to do... it's something I want to do. I feel so attached to you. In like two weeks you made a place in my heart. It sounds sappy to you I'm sure but it's true!!

I know it's likely that you still, well, like me. But it's hard to even imagine when you say your ex was better than me. I'm really trying. Even though it's hard I'm really trying to not take these things too personally. You're not a mean person. You wouldn't say things like that to me directly. But my fear comes from wondering if there is a grain of truth in any of it.

But, really, I feel strong. I know you are strong and I know so am I and so is your family. There's bound to be things in this process that make us feel like we're stumbling, or doing something wrong, or that we've gotten lost. I think that's all part of this craziness. One of my challenges is gonna be coping with the stuff I've written about in this post. I'm up for it.]

[one-hundred-year-ocean-blog]

TW // ABUSE - Sarah Cowell

Yesterday while I was out of state working at a friend’s screen printing shop someone hit me up to let me know that Sarah Cowell wrote a post calling me out for emotional abusing her for years. They sent me the text version of what was posted because I have had my facebook deactivated for a while now. I am only reactivating to make this statement. I am making this post as an attempt to clarify a lot of the things she claimed I had done to her and try to understand why she wants to hurt me so much. I am going to take this piece by piece with screen shots of all of our conversations we’ve ever had online. The only problem is that I can’t go back far enough in the archives of our facebook conversations to clarify the situation where I expressed having feelings for her. 

“My first interaction with Nicole Shanholtzer was on the night of April 2, 2013. My band had self-released our first EP, and she had found it. She messaged us on Tumblr that night saying she wanted to put it out on tape and we were beyond thrilled. Broken World Media was a dream label for us. Over the next few months we met a few times, she made us tapes, and she and I talked online almost everyday.One night that summer she messaged me asking to talk. She told me that she was in love with me (at the time, she was married), and I panicked. I did not have feelings for her, and told her this - I was 20 years old at the time and didn't want to break up someone's marriage. It was awkward. She didn't talk to me for a while afterwards. I was worried she would stop being my friend, or stop working with my band. I didn't know what to do. She made it seem like I had led her on in some way, and what had happened was my fault. I felt like I was going to lose everything because I didn't reciprocate her feelings. Both our business and personal relationships were on the line.” I found Sarah’s band on tumblr and fell in love with their EP, I did reach out and we became friends. We spoke a lot online and I was very excited about getting to know her and how great I thought her band was. We did talk a lot online and I also talked about her with my ex-wife Katie often. I thought Sarah was incredibly talented and I was very very excited about our growing friendship. Katie began to playfully tease me about having a crush on Sarah and I did. Katie and I had talked a lot about being open in our relationship and also being into the idea of bringing other people into our sex. I mistook Katie teasing me as encouragement of my interest in Sarah. I told Sarah that I had feelings for her. I never said “I’m in love with you”, I never thought I was putting my marriage at risk. It was an awkward conversation I suppose but I most certainly never felt that Sarah was also into me and never did I express that I felt like she led me on or that any of it was her fault. I never pressured her to reciprocate the feelings. The very next day Katie and I had a long conversation about it, she was very upset, I apologized and didn’t realize I was overstepping boundaries in our relationship. We resolved the situation with what I said before, I mistook Katie playfully teasing me about having a crush on Sarah as encouragement. I then had a conversation with Sarah about it and told her about my conversation with Katie. I apologized for putting her in an awkward place. At absoutely no point in the conversation did I ask or like demand that she feel the same way. I never threaten her band’s future ability to work with my label, I cared a lot about their music and did everything in my power to help them.  I felt dumb and ashamed for expressing those feelings to Sarah. I also was in no way trying to give up on my marriage to try to pursue Sarah. My archives of our facebook conversations unfortunately will net let me go back far enough to show you screen shots of our conversation. I never made it seem like we couldn’t work together if she didn’t reciprocate my feelings. This was the last time we ever talked about the situation until a few years later while we were at The Fest in Florida where while she was blackout drunk kept bringing up the situation from years ago where I told her I had feelings for her. I kept telling her it was upsetting and I didn’t want to have it brought up. She kept grabbing my hands and taking me away from our group of friends so say incoherent shit and lean on me. When she was finally done talking about it she asked me to hug her, so I did. The hug went on for a minute and i tried to end it. She would not let me go even though I was clearly trying to end the hug. I spent the rest of the night with Katie crying and talking to her about how Sarah reopened a wound for something I was very ashamed of. Below is proof that facebook won’t let me go back further into our archives so I can’t revisit this years old conversation, I can just retell it as I remember it and know that within the next few days I apologized to Sarah and talked her about my conversation with Katie about how I felt I was being encouraged to be interested in her. I was wrong, and I apologized. Here is a messaged she sent me after her blackout episode at fest where she upset me a lot:

“She didn't talk to me for a while afterwards“

I remember talking to Sarah about the conversation I had with Katie like the next day or within a few days. Before I had expressed my feelings for Sarah we had already made plans for Sarah and members of her band to travel to my house in Willimantic CT to hang out for the weekend. At first Katie did not want them to come up and hang out because she was still hurt. We talked more about it and Sarah and members of For Everest came up. We hung out in my band’s practice space and jammed some music, drank some whiskey. Later that night we were hanging out on my porch with the whiskey and I jokingly said to Nick Pitamn that he needed to take a big pull of the whiskey to “prove he wasn’t Greg”, to clarify for anyone unfamiliar I’m referring to Greg Horbal who was a member of TWIABP for a while that we liked to pick on him and refer to him as Shitty Greg for being being a little shitty. We all definitely loved and cared a lot for Greg even if we probably picked on him more than he deserved. Greg was / is / probably always will be straight edge. This was the origin of reoccurring drinking game we called “PROVE YOU ARE NOT GREG”, Sarah references this later in her post and I will get to that in a bit.

This is a screen shot of as far back as facebook would allow me to review our conversation. It says “facebook user” because we have each other blocked. Also her grown ass father has sent me multiple harassing messages on facebook.

“A few months later, I started dating David. Bad timing, probably, all things considered, but I felt very strongly for him and we just clicked. She was not happy with this, and she would frequently treat me poorly and say mean things that I won't disclose. She is a mean person, that is her thing, but I did what I could to make her happy, to keep us on good terms. I didn't just have myself to think about, but David. I was worried what would happen to both of us if she decided to cut ties with us. She constantly makes people feel like they can't get by without her, like she is necessary, that you need her.“

What I can remember is that before Dave and Sarah ever met in person I had talked about her with Dave and pretty much said that I knew Dave would definitely be into her. I told Dave about the weird situation that happened before and said something along the lines of like I would probably feel heartbroken if you got with her. Half joking, half serious. It was still difficult thing for me to navigate. At one point the band and Sarah were hanging out a friend’s apartment in Brooklyn. I don’t remember if this was the first time they met. As the night went on Dave and Sarah spent a lot of time together and it became apparent he was into her. Dave and I talked before anything happened between them. I said that my problem is dumb and shouldn’t get in the way of them wanting to be with each other. If any of my actions after this point seemed resentful that was not my intention. I never told her i wasn’t ok with her dating Daveand I did not start to treat her poorly, If we had any sort of animosity towards each other it is probably because we are both pretty hot headed people. I don’t know what Sarah claimed I said to her but I have no recollection of saying mean shit to her about her relationship with Dave. After this point I will be posting a lot of screenshots from our conversations on facebook over the years. I would be willing to share the entire transcript if ever asked. The point of most of this is show how close our friendship was and negate some of the claims she made in her post

“One day in the summer of 2014, I confronted her and told her I wanted things to be like they were before. I wanted to fix whatever weirdness had happened between us. She apologized, and offered to bring me on tour with TWIABP as a merch person, which I did.

“On that tour, she would get upset if I gave someone else more attention than I gave her. She would get annoyed that David and I slept next to each other. She would buy me drinks and get me too fucked up at shows. This was something that occurred multiple times over the next few years. If I didn't want to drink or party or hang out, I was being a bad friend. I had to push the boundaries with her, and if I declined, she would make me feel small. She would encourage me to play a game were you would drink as much as possible to "prove" you weren't straight edge.”

The tour this in reference to was with Posture & The Grizzly. A few of us in TWIABP played as Jordan’s backing band. Jordan is one of my best friends in the world and I feel like I spent the entire tour with him just getting fucked up. I could tell that Jordan (being a young and a very sloppy annoying drunk) was irritating Dave and Sarah. At one point I felt like they were bullying Jordan for accidentally spilling a drink and I got upset, stood up for him, said something like “You don’t have to be a fucking asshole about it” to her and walked off. I don’t know why Sarah believes that I treated them like shit for dating each other. I was happy they were together. If I did anything else on that tour that was mean to her it was likely because I didn’t like the way she and Dave were treating Jordan. I am a mean person, I have anger problems, and a lot of issues with controlling my emotions, I’m going to touch on that a lot more in my next post. To me, and a lot of I know that have been friends with Sarah, she is also a mean person. She can be hotheaded, quick to anger, etc. If there was any sort of problems between us i believe is was because of our issues with being assholes all the time. Never because she started dating my friend. I also never forced / pressured her to party or drink more. We both drank a lot and sort of enabled each other. I’m sorry that she now feels this way. I drink way too much, I like to get too drunk with my friends, I have a drinking problem. I was in no way intentionally trying to get Sarah more fucked up than she was comfortable with. I tend to gravitate more to people who also drink a lot because I want relationships that help enable and perpetuate my alcoholism and substance abuse problems. As far as I could tell, we were on the same page about getting fucked up. We had a lot of conversations about our issues with substance abuse and the way we drank and how it was starting to effect our relationships. She also references the “prove your not greg” drinking game we made up that I explained in the previous paragraph. To me this was an inside joke and a form of us bonding / enabling each other to drink more. I’m confused and hurt about how she presented it in her call out post. He are some examples of many many conversations we had with each other about our drinking and drug use, some celebratory and some out of concern for ourselves.

One night, she got into a physical fight with someone and kicked me out of her house for speaking up about it (I had nowhere to go so I took a cab to a train station and stood outside all night). Afterwards, she threatened to throw away everything I had left at her house, and cancelled a run of shirts she was printing for my band, leading me to believe she was dropping us. She never apologized, and in fact asked ME to apologize to HER. After a few weeks she pretended like it never happened.“

This is a very selective retelling of the situation. It is scary that she wants me to hurt so bad that she would blatantly lie. Before the screen shots of our conversation I will explain exactly what happened on the last night of our tour with Posture & The Grizzly. It was apparent after weeks of touring with Jordan that Dave was very annoyed with his behavior. Jordan got very sloppily drunk constant and was pretty disrespectful to others on the tour when he was very drunk. Jordan was very young then and is not that kind of a drunk anymore. On the last night of tour in Boston Jordan was very very drunk and pissing everyone on the tour off. He was kicked out of the venue after his set and was blacked out for most of the night. I don’t know what exactly he did to Dave to piss him off so bad, I was wasn’t very aware because I was also stupid drunk. On the 2 hour drive home from Boston Jordan passed out in the backseat of the van with me. Sarah texted in the van and said something along the lines of “heads up, Dave is really pissed at Jordan and has been texting me about kicking his ass when we get home” and I just responded “That isn’t going to happen”, to me it didn’t seem like Sarah was discouraging Dave from hurting Jordan. I can’t say for sure. Jordan is blackout drunk and slept the entire drive home. Dave got out of the van and stood by the door. I woke up Jordan to let him know we were at my house and he needed to get out of the van. The second he stepped out of the van Dave grabbed Jordan and threw him to the ground and to me it looked like he was about to start kicking him /  attacking him. I jumped out of the van as fast as I could and punched Dave once in the face and then grabbed him by his hair on the back of his head and started yelling at him “What the fuck do you think you’re doing???” As this happens Sarah gets out of the van and starts yelling at me. My immediate reaction was that she was mad that I wasn’t letting Dave kick Jordan’s ass. I stopped what I was doing and said “Both of you need to get the fuck out of here, you are not staying at my house” Within the next few days Dave and I made up and jokingly said something like “It’s fine, we grew up in West Virginia and sometimes you punch your friends” We were on good terms then. At some point days later Sarah messaged me angry that I never apologized to her and I was confused because in my mind i believed that she was pissed I stopped Dave from hurting Jordan. She claims I never apologized to her and asked her to apologize to me. Here is the conversation we had about the situation after it happened. 

“One night, my band played a show in Connecticut near her house. Afterwards a big group of us went to the diner down the street from her. She had been drinking that night and already gotten sick, so I was caring for her while both our partners slept at her house. She began to get visibly distressed, and asked me to hold her hand, so I did. During our meal she started crying and the two of us went outside. Once we got to the parking lot, she told me once more she was in love with me. She said she didn't know how to not be in love with me, and not being with me makes her want to kill herself. Again, I didn't know what to do. I calmed her down as best as I could and told her we would always be friends - but just friends. She told me not to tell anyone, so I didn't for a long time.She would regularly express her feelings for me when she got drunk. She would make me feel bad for not feeling the same way. She would threaten to kill or hurt herself because we weren't together. She would encourage me to get fucked up with her and get mad when I wouldn't kiss her. She would flash her breasts at me even after I asked her not to. As her mental health got worse over the years, every conversation we had would turn into manipulation and emotional abuse.“

I am not entirely when she claims this happened. I most definitely never made any physical advance on her or tried to kiss her. I never felt strongly enough about her romantically to believe for a second that I would do have done this to her. Once her and Dave were dating and I became better friends with Sarah I didn’t have those feelings for her anymore. I most certainly never threatened to kill myself if she wouldn’t love me back. Scrolling through years of our conversations on facebook there is absolutely no mention of me continuing to have feelings for her or any reference to a situation like what she described. I also don’t know of a time I flashed her my breasts or continued to do so after she asked me not to. I have no screen shots because as far as I can tell we never had a conversation like this on facebook ever. There isn’t a single instance I could find in years of our conversations where I expressed a continued romantic relationship with her. I’m not sure what show she was referring to this happening after but here is a message she sent to me after Broken World fest which happened while I was living in East Haven. I believe For Everest stayed at my house that night. Maybe that is what she is referring to.

There have been quite a few times in our friendship where Sarah would get really drunk an touch me without my consent. There was a specific weird situation when I was living in East Haven and She was visiting with Dave at the time. We were all drinking of course. I had gotten my first dress after coming out more publicly about being trans and was wearing it. Sarah and I were talking about gender dysphoria and I talked about how I didn’t know i didn’t know how to really do my makeup that well and I wanted to figure out how to pluck and shape my eyebrows. I remember her quickly taking me away from the rest of the group and into my bedroom to pluck my eyebrows. I felt nervous that her rushing me off to my room and then shutting the door without saying a word to Dave or Katie would look really suspicious, I was really uncomfortable and she was being forceful. During her attempt at grooming my eyebrows we continued to have a conversation about gender dysphoria and i talked about issues I had with my body and not being able to pass. I talked about wishing i had breasts that weren’t just because I am overweight but I wished I had like actual “female breasts” without any warning she stopped plucking my eyebrows and cupped my breasts without consent. She then said “I think you have really good breasts” and went back to plucking my eyebrows. I didn’t really know how to react because I already felt weird about her rushing me off into a room to be alone in front of both of our partners. Even though it made me uncomfortable and nervous I never felt like it was a problem big enough to hold her accountable for or talk about it again. 

“As her mental health got worse over the years, every conversation we had would turn into manipulation and emotional abuse.“

“Towards the end of our friendship, when we were preparing to put our our LP with Broken World Media, I would ask to talk business and she would ignore me or get mad. When we would finally get around to it, she would change the subject and send me photos of her self harm. I would try to brush it off (the subject is highly triggering for me) and nothing would get done.”

Here is just about every single screen shot I can find of our conversations about my mental health getting worse and how I felt I was handling things poorly. This is how we spoke with each other the entire time we were very close friends. This addresses her claim that i sent her self photos and ignore her. There is one photo because we having a long conversation about our history and problem with self harm.

The next set of screen shots of our conversations immediately after my wife left me and the band kicked me out. When all those folks were still friendly with me and just wanted me to get help. That I’m going to address in another post I’ve working on.

I have years and years worth of our conversations I would be willing to share with anyone. I am horrified that these people I haven’t talked to or heard from in a year are still trying to find ways to hurt me. I don’t know what they want me to do. I’m convinced they actually just want me to commit suicide.

“Towards the end of our friendship, when we were preparing to put our our LP with Broken World Media, I would ask to talk business and she would ignore me or get mad. When we would finally get around to it, she would change the subject and send me photos of her self harm. I would try to brush it off (the subject is highly triggering for me) and nothing would get done.“

If absolutely necessary i have a countless number of screenshots where we are actively having conversations about their record, plans on releasing it, stuff we could to promote it. I worked really hard for that band. I only lost money on their projects really, they weren’t super popular but I loved their music and cared greatly for those people.

I don’t know what else to do to stop these people from actively trying to hurt me. I can’t let them continue lie about me or tell half truths to conveniently only implicate me.  I’m working on a larger post about my situation with TWIABP that I will post soon. 

Here is an unorganized dropbox folder of all the screen shots i took from our conversations, a lot of them didn’t end up in the post. If you are curious here you go: https://www.dropbox.com/sh/6dv1y0ercru67z6/AAARJxO_vqhKveKDIyMQEgkga?dl=0

[imtransgender]

In Regards to Chaundra H.

This post contains a lot of drama ladies, so be prepared! It’s also pretty long, but most, if not all, of the info is relevant!

Chaundra used to be a very good friend of mine. Her url is cutiepiemackenzie, and a quick search of my blog will show that we used to interact a ton. At one point, I would have even considered her one of my best friends. I was under the impression for a pretty long time that Chaundra was a kind, understanding, and generous person. We talked almost 24/7, I tried my best to help her with my problems, she tried her best to help me with mine. We hung out, I bought her stuff, she bought me stuff, things were perfectly fine.

My initial impression of Chaundra, however, wasn’t extremely positive. I had first heard about her from a friend of mine. Let’s call her ‘E.’ E told me that Chaundra told her she had a crush on her. E, however, was straight and told Chaundra that she would need a break for about two weeks to come to terms with that information and that she’d let Chaundra know when they could talk again. According to my friend, Chaundra crossed those boundaries pretty quickly and began constantly messaging her, asking when they could talk again and saying things like “I know I’m a terrible person, but please talk to me again.” and things of that nature. E attempted to cut off ties with Chaundra, but Chaundra continued to make posts about her and try and talk to her. E eventually had to consult with the school about the issue. This obviously left me with a bad taste in my mouth. E and I drifted apart, and I had pretty much forgotten about Chaundra entirely.

A few months later, my girlfriend at the time (who we’ll call N), told me her friend Chaundra was having problems with a girl she was trying to get with. N told me she couldn’t help her anymore, and asked if I could help. I then recalled the incident from a few months ago, but still agreed to help Chaundra. This was my first mistake, and I should have more closely regarded the incident with E. Nevertheless, Chaundra and I began talking and we pretty much became friends instantly. She told me about the girl she had a crush on (who we’ll call H) and I gave her advice on trying to relay that information to H and to see if H liked her and things of that nature. We later got around talking about the situation with E, and Chaundra told me her side of the story. Chaundra told me inherently the same thing, but with a few details changed. I just figured Chaundra was misunderstood and that she was the victim in the whole situation. This was my second mistake.

Things between H and Chaundra progressed, and Chaundra told H that she liked her. H responded very well, saying she liked Chaundra too, but that she didn’t want to start dating her immediately. She wanted to hold off a little bit. Chaundra responded understandingly. However, soon after, Chaundra began asking H when they would start dating. Anytime H wouldn’t respond fast enough, Chaundra would ask H if she hated her. She’d send H generally manipulative messages. I knew that it was wrong, and I should have told her that she shouldn’t have done that, but we were so close and I didn’t want her to get upset. H then blocked her on all social media accounts and stopped talking to her. Chaundra called my sobbing, and I comforted her to the best of my ability. She eventually moved on, but would bring up H on several occasions, asking what she did to make H block her. Any attempts to explain were shut down by her saying that it wasn’t her fault, and that she didn’t do the things I said she did.

Another similar incident happened with another girl called B. I won’t tell this entire story, but Chaundra basically hounded B to respond to her texts whenever B wouldn’t answer. She would constantly ask B if B hated her when B wouldn’t reply, or say that she knew she was a terrible person, and that’s why B wasn’t responding, even though B explained that she was busy. B eventually cut off communication and blocked Chaundra.

So I went through all of this with Chaundra. I hardly said she was in the wrong about anything, I praised her constantly, I basically kissed her ass. I considered us best friends. Her and my now ex-girlfriend and my ex’s friend got into a spat and I took Chaundra’s side. I basically cut off communication with those two because I wanted Chaundra to trust me, I wanted to be what I thought was a good friend. I did a lot for her.

 And then she went to China on vacation. There’s a 13 hour time difference between our state, Texas, and China. We weren’t gonna be able to talk as often. When we did talk, I told her that I had submitted to Girls Looking For Girls, and that several girls had messaged me. While she initially expressed happiness for me, she then stated she was jealous. I thought that was somewhat odd, considering the fact that we were best friends, but I let it go but not without expressing my discomfort. I told her I was really interested in one girl, Jaden, @irritatedangel and I talked about Jaden to Chaundra when we would talk. She then said that she didn’t think it was fair that I got to talk about Jaden because she didn’t have a girl to talk about. It wasn’t fair that she had been submitting so many times and had gotten no results, while I had submitted once and got many. It wasn’t fair that I got to talk to girls. It wasn’t fair that Jaden liked me. It wasn’t fair. This made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and I expressed that to her. She apologized, but it was mostly her saying “I’m sorry I’m such a terrible person, I’m sorry I’m so selfish etc.”. I trudged on in the friendship, but I was feeling more and more discomfort every time we talked. Then Jaden and I began dating and shit hit the fan. Chaundra told me she felt replaced by Jaden, that she was jealous of me, that it wasn’t fair that I got a girlfriend so quickly. That was the last straw for me. I told her I didn’t want to be “best friends” anymore, that we could still talk but we wouldn’t be nearly as close as we were. She begged me to change my mind, saying that she would change, that she would no longer do the things she did. I said that I wouldn’t be changing my mind; we could still talk, but I wouldn’t tell her as much information and we wouldn’t be as close. That was that. She eventually was fine with it.

No more than a few days later, she was back on her bullshit. She was saying the same things. I tried to understand her feeling replaced by Jaden, I really did, but it seemed ludicrous to me. She said that because of her being in China, she missed out on an important part of my life. It wasn’t fair that Jaden was there and she wasn’t. It wasn’t fair that I got to talk to Jaden more than I got to talk to her. The same things she swore to change. I was done. I wrote her a long paragraph explaining how done I was, and for her to leave me alone and not talk about me. She only responded to about two things in the paragraph. I blocked her on Tumblr and moved on. 

She then sent me an ask that read, “How do you know that Jaden is the love of your life?”. While it was anonymous, I figured it was her because she constantly asked me the same thing when we were still speaking. My suspicions were confirmed when she sent me a text a few minutes later saying, “Did it hurt to say you were done with me?” I said yes, but that I had to do it for my own health. She said that she felt as though me dating Jaden caused me to forget everything that she had done for me. And that made me livid. It made me so angry to hear her say that, as I would never forget my friends because of my partner. Unless they were shitty friends. I told her once more to fuck off and leave me alone. She didn’t respond, but according to my girlfriend she made a few posts on Tumblr about the situation, which she later deleted. 

That would have been the end of it, but this Sunday she texted my best friend Gen asking if she had spoken to me. She’s asking around to see who’s been talking to me. And that’s creepy. It’s gross. She’s still looking at my blog, she’s still asking about me after I’ve told her twice already to leave me alone. Chaundra is a toxic, manipulative person, and she’s now continuing to overstep her boundaries with me. She texted me after I blocked her on Tumblr, she’s asking my friends about me, she’s disrespecting me, and she hasn’t learned from her mistakes. I want people to know what she has done, and hopefully this teaches her something.

tl;dr: A girl I used to be friends with is generally toxic and manipulative, and has continued to try and contact me after I told her to leave me alone on several occasions.

[silvermccloud]

here goes my long emotionMessage

OK SO LOOK this is something that has been on my mind a lot. It’s been 5 month since i lost something near to me. Something i love dearly. someone who i can see in my future. I mean techinally called my ex but i don’t like that term so we shall call her my past lover ok. First let us take it bavk a bit. We met 4 years ago in a church and we got together in a movie theatre after a sniff of the nose. Yes i sniffed her nose to ask her out. Judge me all you want. Anyways we were fine for the most part thru out our entire relationship until that one dreadful morning. This is the morning i let her know i was talking with another female. I can hear the oohhs and awhhss and the fuck that nigha comments being made already ok ok cool. I did wrong. I hurt her baddddd! i mean bad i mean almost committed suicide bad. I told her that morning there is this girl who i was talking to. we are going to call this girl ‘lil mouse’. lol anyways i talked with lil mouse for a month. Lil mouse was cool but not wifey martial for me so from the get go i knew this girl wasn’t it. Well why did you leave My past lover for lil mouse you ask? well as i looked back at the situation i liked her because of her mind. how she thought and all that. My past lover at the time was literally down my throat about seeing my phone and trying to find dirt on my phone that wasn’t there. i didn’t like that. Plus we lived together so i would work and she would be at home. House dirty but watching netflix. That is why i left. Bad thing was i did it after her birthday…. I just didn’t mean for the other girl to be there. that was my fault. i’ll take the blame. i beat myself up over it every fucking day of my exists. Anyways, after a month we get back together and i plan on trying to mend the wounds that i gave her. 7 months went on and i thought hey we are back to our normal selfs. That is when the arguing started. We argued so much about dumb stuff it made no sense. I argued to the best of my abilities to keep us together so i thought but apperantly that spit us apart even more. she was feeling the after affects of the who Lil Mouse thing so i guess she was second guessing the get back together. i argued because I wanted my feelings to be heard so much. They simply weren’t. i couldn’t stand it. it go so bad that one night i yelled i’m done with you and bring me back my keys. Thus begins the last days of J&S vs the world. After seeing my wrong i fly to her house to apologize. get she lives about 30 mins away from me and i got to work in the morning but f it. she means the world to me. so i make it there and she doesn’t wanna talk at first. finally comes out because i talk about suicide. i legit weep for like 30 mins just to hear i think we should go on brake. next day after work i go over there and she tells me. she wants a fully break up. pain hasn’t settled in but i am just like ok just keep me in your life. Thus begins my depression(I’ve had depression for a while she was the one to keep me away from it) but she talks about our break up on social media and it got guys attention. she post his messages on social media and has no problem doing so. I get worked up about it. she blocks me from her social medias. I go to work one morning then get a call that she got in a car accident. Car accident lead to me taking off dang near a week of work (We are still not together, nor did i spend the night) that night they let her out the hospital. i let her sleep and a person’s name pops up on her screen with kisses and all this extra shit so after she wakes up( btw, this is her first night back) i ask her about the guy and she says it is no one. Turns out, she calls me a lame and tells me to get my charakas in order since i am worrying about this guy. i got a feeling he is more than a friend. my feelings are usually right.( i find out i was right a week and a half later.) later that day(first night back from hospital night) i felt like a fool for caring for this girl and she got a nigha on the side waiting and it hasn’t even been a week in back up or it has but too early for a damn near 4 month break up. Later that week i ask her why she is putting me thru all this pain she said this is what you put me thru and i am going to put you thru the same. I was fine with that, i suggested it so i would rather take my L like a man. Ok cool. i am thinking after she feels her wrath is done we get back together. haha WRONG AF! she continues to try and find new guys and leaves me in the dust. during this time i got the lowest point in my life. i never thought the body could produce so much water. i started cutting myself (she did to) and i tried to commit suicide 2 times.(very unsuccessful. God had a purpose) She was part of the reason of this want to die( i still do) but i always had depression. we don’t talk for a week or so(before that we were suppose to work on us being a couple again. I write and record a poem. send it to her. she listens to it but no reply to the message. (in the poem i ask her does she still want the passenger seat before i drive down the road of life) Months pass and i get a call from her just telling me about life and how she missed me. so here i am like AYYYYY!!! can i finally get her bavk?!?!?! but at the end of the convo she hits we with the Idk if i still wanna date you spill like come on, wtf. (During this time she wasn’t talking to anyone) We fast forward to now, i been feeling something inside me push me towards her all the time now so i been calling her , texting her good morning text , and i even wrote a long ass note to give to her. Bought her flowers. the \weird lovely dovey time shit right. So i ask her about what is up with her and me? she tells me she still isn’t feeling me and she is lowky talking to someone. I said wtf!!!??!?! you.. were.. whatever. I feel i will never get my chance. That is real. What we had and i feel like what we can make is still real. I mean i am human. shit happens. I mean not bad shit like that but i mean ugh.. i have days i feel we are then others we aint and the we ain’t started coming in lately. all i know is when i try to be like her and move on something pulls me back and points towards her direction and then from there i can’t get her out my head. this shit fucks me up everyday and i feel myself climbing back into my dark place. i think i want to make this work because i can feel deep down that she does but is scared to try it again. I am fine with our relationship being rocky for some months to a year as long as i know that she is here and not going anywhere. I have ppl tell me all the time that we are gonna be together forever. or that’s your wife just give it time. Idk i don’t wanna feel like this anymore. It has always been her and noone else. ugh.. send help.

[aviewfromtheclouds25]

I watched SSW again, and I have to say that your theory seems very believable. I think all four couples struggle with trust. Pierce doesn't trust Rhona, Emma doesn't trust James, Aaron doesn't trust Robert. Laurel can't trust Ashley because of his condition. All, but especially the first 3, struggle with trusting their partners in regards to their exes (jealousy). Laurel is hurt when Ashley calls her Harriet, so maybe even she is worried about the ex. 1/2

2/2 But what worries me is that children play an important part in all the sls. James and Moira have Adam because James cheated on Emma. Rhona spends time with Paddy because of Leo and Pierce was mad about that Paddy and not him got to see Leo’s play. So maybe Robert will have a child with his ex? Dotty was an important part of Ashley’s dementia sl. Laurel thought about abortion but didn’t go through with it. Dotty’s birth and christening coincided with the deteriotating of Ashley’s condition.

Anon, I love the fact that you rewatched SSW and thought of the theories! But I feel like there’s so many different strands to the SSW Theory now, it could probably fill an entire dissertation at this stage haha, because there’s just so many different ways to read all of this!? But the one thing which is unquestionably clear throughout, is that there are overlapping and recurring themes throughout each storyline, as you’ve so rightly pointed out. And because I’m stuck in theory realm, for me this is absolutely intentional.

I would actually extend these themes beyond just the four couples at the heart of SSW, and include Vic/Adam and Marlon/Carly in most of them, both of whom were at the edge of the storylines involved that week… So personally I’d take these themes as:

Trust / Communication / Honesty / Insecurity / Jealousy / Infidelity / Exes / Unrequited Love / New Starts / Commitment

I feel like I’m missing some, but I’ll go with these for now haha. So breaking them down per couple, we get:

Emma/James;

These two were engaged to be married, and were just moving into their new farm at Wylie’s. This was their new start. But, as with all these couples, they had an obstacle…

James previously had an affair with Moira, which resulted in the very permanent reminder of Adam. This has fed Emma’s insecurities for a long time, and fuelled her jealousy of both Moira and Adam (being included in James’s will, as an equal to her three sons). But James was also insecure and jealous - because he loved Moira, but she didn’t feel the same. Moira loved John, and now Cain. James was never a choice for Moira… So we have a woman cheating on her husband with his brother, getting pregnant, and rejecting that brother again in later years when she’s married to the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with… So I can’t help but make the connection - Moira = Robert, James = Rebecca, John = Chrissie, Cain = Aaron. (Although this would make Ross Emma, and I want Rebecca to have a showdown with Lachlan, not Ross. Haha.) But James didn’t do what Robert did, he didn’t tell Emma about his kiss with Moira. She overheard him discussing it with her own son. And then some pretty dramatic stuff happened and SSW was born… (Actually I’m going to get to the dramatic stuff in a bit because your message has prompted me to rewatch a specific scene - Emma pushing James - and the whole of that dialogue between them sums up what I think is the connection between all of these couples. It’s all right there in that pivotal moment and I’ve somehow only now made that connection…)

Pierce/Rhona;

Now we’ve seen towards the end of the SSW cycle, these two got engaged and later married of course. But let’s go back to the beginning of their relationship and this cycle…

Rhona and Pierce’s relationship began as a result of Paddy and Tess’s affair. Those are pretty rocky foundations, so both characters already had individual issues with each of the themes I listed above and they each brought these into their relationship. Pierce was already insecure, jealous and possessive, even regarding someone like Cain who Rhona had no history with. But there was always the Paddy thing… Not a massive issue at the surface of their relationship - until Paddy returned to the village… (Other recurring themes among most of these couples are exes returning to their lives and their refusal to acknowledge a problem until they have a permanent reminder in their face 24/7… A bit like Rebecca and her baby…) And when he did, it was a constant reminder and threat to Pierce - not only of Rhona’s history with Paddy, or his relationship with Leo and all of their friends, but also because Paddy effectively “stole” Tess from Pierce.

Now, although Rhona appeared to have moved on, she and Paddy still were a part of each other’s lives through Leo. And to make matters more complicated, Paddy was still in love with Rhona. That is what a large part of their SSW story was about. And what we saw between Paddy and Rhona was the two of them communicating about their relationship, unlike Rhona and Pierce who didn’t confront their issues until they bubbled over the surface and resulted in that big row which instigated their involvement in SSW.

So Paddy loved Rhona, Rhona loved Pierce… Emma loved James, James loved Moira…

Ashley/Laurel;

These two remarried just a few months before SSW. They then moved back into their old home at Mulberry. But how did any of this come about? Ashley’s diagnosis was the catalyst. Shortly after he found out he was ill, Ashley and Harriet split up. Now I’m not sure how well I remember this, but as far as I’m aware, it was quite an abrupt end to their relationship? They didn’t just drift apart? (Although I do recall there was a very brief allusion to Harriet/Bob which never went anywhere…) So in this instance, Laurel was the ex returning to Ashley’s life. But then we have Ashley’s Dementia getting worse, him thinking he’s still with Harriet, Laurel turning to Marlon - her ex - for support, and Ashley thinking she is cheating on him. Then in the care home we don’t have the issue of an ex, but there is the obstacle of Maggie (I think?) who Ashley grew attached to. Laurel became jealous and insecure, and consequently made a pass at Marlon. Because at that time, Ashley could no longer remember her or the fact that he loved her. Effectively, when she saw him with Maggie (?), Laurel’s love may almost have felt unrequited in that moment. Like Paddy’s or James’s…

And then there’s the communication/trust issues, again a result of Ashley’s Dementia. Because Ashley’s deteriorating cognitive ability affected his being able to effectively communicate with Laurel and she with him. And as you say, Laurel couldn’t really trust Ashley because of his illness, but likewise, as much as he needed and was expected to, Ashley couldn’t really trust anyone because of his illness. Including himself…

Robert/Aaron;

So obviously the boys got engaged during SSW because they have impeccable timing, then bought their first home together a couple of months later and got married a couple of months after that. But their SSW cycle had already begun the week before with Rebecca’s arrival providing them with their obstacle…

We have the returning ex whose love is unrequited, we’ve seen the jealousy / insecurity / infidelity. What their cycle is focusing on now is the communication / trust / honesty issues. We saw them start to tackle this during the reveal, but we can clearly see they’re still not there yet. That’s what this pregnancy plot will bring about…

Vic/Adam;

Their whole connection to the SSW Theory is wrapped up in the Vadam baby plot. Starting a family was their new start after James and Holly had died. But the trust and communication issues initially came in because Adam wasn’t on the same page as Vic at first but struggled to be honest about it. We then saw them get back on track, only for Adam to find out he couldn’t have children. This then brought about the cycle of insecurity / infidelity / jealousy because Adam’s insecurities over this lead him to finish with Vic and make a move on his ex, Vanessa…

Marlon/Carly;

We saw Carly move in with Marlon, and him think about marrying her. But Marlon was insecure right from the start of their relationship. This prompted a lot of jealousy / trust / communication / honesty issues throughout, until it all came to a head with the arrival of Carly’s ex, Matt… Who Carly kissed (while Marlon was being rejected by Laurel) and eventually left with… Marlon was the victim of the unrequited love here… Or at least, a different love.

But you see the parallels between Carly/Marlon/Matt, and Robert/Aaron/Rebecca? Carly reached out to Matt, the same way Robert invited Rebecca to the village… Matt still had feelings for Carly and wouldn’t give up on the idea of them, just like Rebecca with Robert… The difference? Carly asked Matt to leave because she didn’t trust herself, because she reciprocated his feelings. Robert never asked Rebecca to leave (in fact he even asked her to stay) because he did trust himself, because her feelings were never reciprocated…

So where does the theme of children fit into this? Again, I think it can be interpreted in so many ways. I first wrote about this pattern in this post, where I discussed the cycle of characters cheating with their exes and that they’ve all shared a tie of children apart from Vic and Ross - although I’d just like to note that Ross making a pass at Vic occurred shortly after she commented on him being a good dad to Moses (just like Rebecca did after The Incident) and seeing him in another light… I 100% believe it’s highly probable that Rebecca is pregnant with Ross’s child and Vadam will be the ones to bring it up, and this would bring it all full circle from that initial scene…

But for me, the connection of children comes down to the fact that it has been a child who has instigated some of the most significant moments in these SSW cycles. Ultimately, the children are the catalysts:

Marlon/Carly - Billy. Carly confiding in Marlon about Billy brought them closer together. The choking incident occurred with April, which prompted Carly to leave and confront her grief over Billy. This then prompted her to get in touch with Billy’s dad, Matt…

Vic/Adam - They don’t have a child. There are no children involved in their storyline - yet - and that is their connection in this theme…

Ashley/Laurel - Dotty. Ashley told Arthur he may forget him one day, and later that SSW day, he forgot Dotty. This was the first time he’d forgotten a member of his family…

Pierce/Rhona - Leo. As you say, Paddy attending Leo’s play with Rhona instigated their involvement in SSW. Paddy giving Rhona the necklace on behalf of Leo on her wedding day was also a pivotal moment in their cycle…

Emma/James - Adam. Because of the tie to Moira. Arthur. Arthur is going to find out Emma’s secret and be the catalyst for it coming out. But there’s also Holly, which I’ll get to in a bit…

Robert/Aaron - Again, there’s multiple children. Lachlan. He brought about Robron’s involvement in SSW. Liv. She told Robert Aaron’s secret and effectively instigated the row which saw the boys break up while Aaron was in prison. Or Rebecca’s baby. A catalyst to them confronting their issues - because this is the one time they cannot escape or just ignore the problem - with communication and honesty, and eventually having a child of their own…

But there’s still the Holly connection that I just can’t let go of…

Holly died just a couple of weeks before SSW (although it was originally planned to happen that week I believe)… Rebecca first met Aaron (and Vic) during those scenes which foreshadowed this entire storyline at Holly’s wake… It was Holly’s funeral that James was so desperate to leave Wylie’s for, which prompted Emma to prevent him leaving at all… It was Holly’s death Rebecca discussed with Adam (and Vanessa) on the day of The Incident… And what happened, what did we see in the episode where Moira discovered Holly had died?

We saw every single parent in that village, reaching out to their child, grateful that they weren’t in Moira’s position but terrified of the prospect that one day they could be. So it seems to me like the possible child connection could be the loss of, in some way…

Marlon/Carly - Carly lost Billy. But she also lost April in the way she left, and Marlon briefly felt like he was losing his daughter, too.

Vic/Adam - Vadam lost the dream of having their own biological children together.

Ashley/Laurel - Ashley lost the ability to remember each of his children. Sandy had to watch his own son die before him. Laurel’s now lost Gabby to her extended family and life on the other side of the world.

Pierce/Rhona - As far as I recall, Tess said she never had children because Pierce never wanted them. But now we have Rhona effectively losing Leo, however long it may last, because Marlon and Paddy are refusing to let her spend time with him.

Emma/James - James specifically said to Emma on that bridge that she will “lose the boys” when they find out what she’s done. They’re about to find out…

Robert/Aaron - The only children Robron can lose are either Liv, or the baby. And I’m completely convinced that is where this is going; for the boys, Robert in particular, to grow attached to this baby and then have it snatched away from them…

But I mentioned the scene between Emma and James on the bridge, right before she pushes him… I have to say, this message got my SSW Theory senses buzzing again so I decided to rewatch that scene (I’ve actually avoided rewatching SSW during all of this because I’m honestly trying not to get too carried away with the theorising haha) specifically because I knew there was a reference to Holly. But when I rewatched it, I had a sudden realisation that I’ve missed the most overwhelming theme connecting all of these storylines all along - Loss.

If you rewatch that scene and listen to the dialogue between James and Emma, almost all of it can be applied to each of the four main SSW couples;

“I can’t. […] It’s too late. If I stop now, I lose everything…” (Emma) “Yes, you lose. You lost me. God knows when they hear about this, you’ll lose the boys…” (James)

“You can’t only live your life for a man you don’t love… No, you’re obsessed. You’re sick. This isn’t love… ‘Cause if you really loved me, you would walk away right now, from all of us… […] You lived without us for years. You moved on. You got over it.” (James) “I can’t do that ever again.” (Emma) “Yes, you can. And you will. Because that’s what people do. You lose someone over a mistake you made or something horrible happens…” (James) “Oh, you mean like Holly? And John?” (Emma)

“All you’ve ever done is use her to hurt me… To destroy my life… Our life… You did this, not me. This is all because of you.” (Emma)

Then we have Aaron, “You had Chrissie and you came looking for me…”

Rhona, “He came looking for me because he cares…” “[…] folk who can’t let their exes go…” (Rhona)

Robert, “I’ve chosen, all right!”

Rhona, “We can’t lose him!” “No, we won’t… I’ve lost enough today…” (Paddy)

Emma, “You still love me? There’s still hope. I know there is because deep down you still love me…” […] “Even now, there is a part of me that still loves you…” (James) *Emma goes to kiss James, who pulls away* “You’re lying.” (Emma)

You see how it wasn’t just the characters’ physical logistics that culminated together in time for the crash? Every single one of the overlapping themes from each of these storylines converged in this moment. But the one which was most paramount of all? Loss.

Because ultimately, anon, every single one of these characters is terrified of losing the people they love.

So much of that dialogue can be transferred to each of the SSW cycles, but if we look at it from a Robron perspective, we can absolutely read James and Emma’s lines as Robert and Rebecca respectively. Whether there’s any basis to this or not, it fits. So thank you, anon, for encouraging me to rewatch this scene haha.

And I think this is probably one of the longest posts I’ve written about this yet, I’m so sorry haha! But I appreciate you joining me in the SSW Theory feels! :) May it continue to rise ever stronger…