#and maybe unlearn some of that yourself??

[knight-intraining]

STOP with uniforms and dress codes!!

START teaching kids that everyone is worthy of respect REGARDLESS of what they're wearing!!

[aleshakills]

At some point in your life, you were taught that being slightly annoying is an unforgivable sin. Maybe it was by your parents or a teacher or a friend or a bully or an older sibling. But someone taught you that being slightly annoying is a crime punishable by death.

You must unlearn this.

You must accept that all people will be annoying at some point or another in their lives, maybe all of their lives, and that this is okay. It is okay for strangers on the bus, it is okay for children in the grocery store, it is okay for people on social media, and it is okay for you.

If you ever want to truly love your fellow humans, if you ever want to truly love yourself, you must have forgiveness for being annoying.

[always-a-slut-4-ghouls]

Me having had near death experiences and witnessing deaths in front of me as a child as well as some really bad bullying: trauma

Me learning my parents have had sex and will most likely do it again: mild momentary discomfort and then acceptance before living my life as normal

[natalchartnurtures]

PAC: Energy Check~ for wherever you are right now

This was completely unplanned but frankly spirit doesn't give a fuck about my plans. So if this found you, here are some messages you probably need right now-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

pile 1: Ooh.. as I was preparing to start your reading, I saw 11:11 as the Chariot card showed up for you. This. Tells me that you are pretty strongly connected to your divine path right now, which simply means that you're doing something that's keeping you in alignment, sweet pile one! Good job! Keep going down this road because you WILL stumble upon amazing experiences and people! This message is coming through quite strongly. Now, isn't that lovely? Hehe.

Here's the thing, though.. Although you're actually IN alignment with your greatest timeline and life, you seem to be completely UNAWARE of the fact! You might be going through the necessary purging emotionally and/or mentally as a result of this alignment since the "old stuff" has no more room in your new vibration anymore. So, you've probably had to go through some intense endings and/or tower moments in life lately and THIS has left you feeling really, really sad. Maybe even depressed. For some of you, if that's the case, please seek help, sweet soul. It doesn't have to be therapy but even as simple as talking to a trusted loved one, you know? Or even journaling about it could help if you're into it. It seems like you could use a new perspective on the things you're going through right now. I'm sensing that you might be feeling emotionally numb right now too, but that's because you've been doing a lot of emotional processing lately AND IT'S ALL PAYING OFF. I just need you to know that. You just can't see it right now because you're slap dead in the middle of the storm, and I'm looking at it from a bird's eye view, you know?

While you're purging old stuff, I also see you making your way through an old core belief - "I gotta work hard to be deserving of anything because I inherently don't" Or something along those lines. You may have started purging this belief as a result of life showing you that it's simply not something worth keeping alive inside you. Maybe recently, you caught yourself overworking yourself to death only to receive very little in return (in any area of your life - relationships included) and this experience helped you wake up to this unhelpful belief of yours. You're unlearning this belief as we speak. It's not easy though, but I CAN assure you, you're acing it.

If you find yourself worrying too much about anything and everything or simply feeling a general fear, just know that it's a normal reaction to having things uprooted in your life. Life, right now, is asking you to do your best to focus on what's right in front of you because if you do this, the future is guaranteed to sort itself out. I promise.

I love you so much, pile 1. I see all your hard work and am rooting for you SO hard, bro. Love and light.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pile 2: Seems like to me that y'all have been STUCK in a particular pattern for a while now, maybe years? For some of you folks reading? Let me spell it out for you what this pattern looks like to me - an imbalance of the mind and heart. Too much mind and too little heart. Maybe none at all.

I can't seem to tap into the root of this imbalance, maybe because it's different for each of you reading, OR maybe it's not relevant to us right now because you can simply begin to address this imbalance as you see it in your day-to-day. But I sense that you're really good at addressing things, so once you're conscious of this pattern going on subtly in the background, running your life, you can really do something about this. This pattern may show up as you struggling with feeling fear, and this is blocking you off to one very important thing fear is here to show us, and that is how to support ourselves. If we are afraid of something we desire and have a healthy relationship with fear, we go for the desire while caretaking our fear. I read a quote the other day, it said "Do that thing you love but if you find that you're scared, then go do it scared." The point I'm trying to make is, fear isn't going to go away on its own, it's you who will simply expand your ability to hold space for it AND your desires equally. When you figure out how to do this, magic will happen in your life. You'll find that your unwillingness to caretake your fear only gave you more things to be afraid of (because, hello, Law Of Attraction *lol*), BUT you'll also find that when you radically start taking responsibility for your fear(s), you'll be able to act from a wiser space and be your full badass self. You'll find that there are so many things you CAN do and so much life you CAN live. Everything you've wanted to start doing in life will start to happen almost seamlessly. It WILL surprise you big time. You're currently making your way through an important part of your healing, and that is to hold yourself in all your glory. To hold all parts of yourself, even the ones that are scared shitless. Once you've integrated this segment of your healing, SO many doors will unlock for you. Sweet soul, you have no clue of JUST HOW MANY. And this… is probably because you manifest with your heart primarily (meaning you feel things deeply and so you unknowingly tap into the frequency of what you want easily) and your fear is keeping you stuck in your head, which means you're only 40% of the full You right now, PRIOR the healing of c. You might even feel it sometimes. You might feel like you're only a shell of a person (been there myself, you're not alone in this!). Listen to that feeling. Your truth lies in there. You're meant to be the 100% you, and I see that you're already halfway there!

I love you so much, pile 2, sending you so much light and love. Hope you find the resources you need to make it through to your new life where you live in more love than fear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pile 3: Man… y'all been fighting for your lives, huh? I see that you may be in the midst of a lot of divinely evoked darkness? Lol, I literally heard that - divinely evoked darkness. Maybe you're going through a dark night of the soul, perhaps? Whatever your're going through though, it seems like you've been hanging on for dear life.

Some good news for you- no matter the circumstances you're in right now (be it good, bad, or terrible), you've been doing all the work necessary to keep your head above water and have been diligently nurturing your own light, positivity, and essence. THAT'S incredible resilience, sweet pile 3, and I'm really proud of you! It's not easy to keep an open heart through bad times, and that's such a grand achievement in my eyes. UGH, BEAUTIFUL.

Your energy SCREAMS transition period vibes. You seem to be neither in your "old" timeline nor in the new one yet. You're sorta hanging in the middle right now. I see the Hanged Man in the third eye as I tell you this. Feels like you're in the void right now, and things just seem… bleh. Boring. Colorless. This is probably because you're already done with the ugly part of the process, "the divine shakeups", the loss, and the purge. Think… the bland but peaceful feeling you feel after having an intense ugly crying session, you know? Yeah, you're energetically there right now. You'll probably be here for a while longer because you've let go of MAJOR stuff, pile 3. Did you let go of people recently, maybe? Or that old bad habit, perhaps? That was the purge, so to speak. And now you're in the aftermath of it all, the uncomfortable but necessary calm.

-Side note: You might've struggled to embody your divine feminine earlier, but the timeline you're entering right now is the exact opposite of that. You might be attracted towards things that will help you nurture your own divine feminine right now. Give into it. Nurture patience, stillness, and compassion for self. It will HOPEFULLY speed up the void period if you consciously take part in it, you know?-

You're quite emotionally intelligent, and it has guided you throughout the whole process, and it also seems like it ain't your first rodeo in the process of proverbial death and rebirth. Good on you because you're doing a real good job keeping your calm through venturing into the unknown. You know what? You remind me of Elsa from Frozen, taking on the unknown like it belongs to her. You are such a queen, omg.

Yep, all that's left to do now is celebrate yourself, pile 3! Try your best to embrace this period, the void, and you'll be on your way to your next happy adventure! Love and light, sweet soul. Thanks for sharing your energy with me today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[alrtyhoney]

TAKING WHAT’S NOT YOURS 

(I watch her go with a surge of that well known sadness and I have to sit down for a while– the feeling that I'm losing her forever.)

The rundown: That cake scene with Miles at his father’s bodega party but it’s with Miguel and his universe’s daughter. He’s late and it’s your quinceañera. Content: Father!Miguel O'hara x Daughter!Reader / Angst! (wc: 3844)

There was something oddly peculiar about your father. People would assume that he would be the archetypal absent one who chose to abandon his child; the dead-beat-dad who ultimately never cared for them. You’d argue it wasn’t true– you were fed, you had the weight of what a fifteen year old should have, and education was proper. 

You love your papa with all of your heart, but there was no denying the fact that he would never be around often enough. You understood this when you were eight years old, and mornings would bring only a cold breakfast accompanied by a hastily scribbled note from him. He’d leave early– far too early. You tried staying up in an attempt to tell when he gets up and leaves the house, but you swear you don’t hear the door open every time. 

Then came twelve and the missed events. Miguel seemed to be missing in action when it came to certain school activities, not showing up for things that he had previously made commitments for. It became more and more frequent as you grew older– you wouldn’t hear from him for days.

He was a man dedicated to his profession, and although you felt pride in what he had achieved, there was this empty space in your heart that hadn’t been filled ever since you were eight. It was said that a child needed the presence of their parents to feel security– to feel important. You never truly understood it, not until you had to endure many nights at dinner alone and the numerous times you spent walking home with nothing but your own thoughts for company.

You had always pondered over the question of whether it was a common phenomenon that fathers seemed to love their daughters less once they had reached teenagehood– or if it was possible for fathers to unlearn being fathers. 

“Is your papa coming, bebita?” 

The faint notes of classical music filled the air as you sat on the wooden floor, stretching your sore limbs. You observed the ladies who were much older than yourself starting their exercise routines, having come in early before the group class began. You waited for Miguel to pick you up. 

– But that had been two hours ago. Your teacher finally worked up the courage to approach you, hesitantly looking for the right words to say. She wasn’t exactly pleased to be the one to let you down, but she’d seen you walk out the studio’s door alone time and time again after you told her that your father would bring you home himself.

“He said he’d come pick me up today.” You spoke, nervously twisting the ends of your skirt. Your teacher had most likely heard these words countless times before from you, but the faint ray of hope in your voice remained firm. “He promised.” You added quietly, praying that maybe it would be different this time. 

“Ay, bebita– you know how this ends. You tell me those exact words and you walk out here on your own anyway.” She slightly shook her head, her face softening with a sympathetic smile as she knelt closer to you. “Tell you what, how about I offer to give you a ride home today? I have plenty of snacks in my car that you can enjoy. You can take as many of them as you'd like.”

You took some time to consider it, letting her gently weave her fingers through the strands of curls that couldn't quite fit into a bun. Your lips pursued as you sighed softly, “What if he comes and I’m not here anymore?” You’d hate to miss the opportunity.

Of course you still had faith that he would come, having endured all the other times he had let you down. You were never one to quickly give up on people and your father was the only one you trusted the most— you’d hate to admit that his inconsistency was starting to hurt; digging a deeper wound to the already bleeding cut. 

“He’s not coming and I know you know that too.” 

She stands up, grunting slightly as she hefts herself up. You knew there was no more room for negotiation anymore when she urged you to come along. She carefully takes your backpack from off your back and drapes it over her own shoulders, “Come on sweetheart, let's get you home.” 

The silence in the car was palpable, with no one feeling the need to prod conversation. You hadn't stopped fidgeting with the hem of your bag since you got in, and you could feel your teacher's worried glances burning into you. Your mind was a jumble of emotions that kept bubbling away as they all competed for your attention. What could be his reason this time/?

She switched on the radio in an effort to lighten the tense mood, but when a melancholic tune filled played instead, you couldn’t help but let out a deep sigh.

“Is it possible for fathers to unlove their daughters?” 

It was a question that took her completely by surprise, so much so that another uncomfortable beat of silence passed before she could respond. The stillness made you regret asking in the first place. Your legs shifted nervously, an unconscious habit which you had never noticed before.

“Of course not,” She muttered, almost inaudibly. “Fathers tend to forget is all.”

But you knew that wasn’t the case. 

While Miguel was never home, something else resided on the corners of your house– someone you have never met at all. She smiled back at you from the frame sitting atop your dad's nightstand, wearing the similar blue soccer jersey your school had. She was the picture on his wallet and the little widget on his phone. It was beyond you– the few blue ribbons hidden on the box beneath his bed; the medals, the drawings you know you’ve never drawn or given him. For all you know, the kid didn’t even go to your school. 

It wasn’t anything sinister, but in a way she felt like a ghost. A child your father mourned for all his life and you had no idea why. 

This was a physical pain in your chest; one that was peeling away the very layers of your heart until it was nothing but ugly– just how could Miguel love a child more than his own? It was ridiculous to feel like you were in competition with someone you barely knew, yet somehow, you felt like you were losing. It felt even more absurd when you considered the possibility that maybe you weren't really his child at all.

“I joined our school’s soccer team today, papa.” 

It wasn’t an ordinary occurrence for Miguel to be at the dining table for lunch. But on this Saturday noon, he was there. Sitting across from you, quietly eating his food. Finally, he paused and shifted his gaze towards you, seeming to linger on you longer than normal before looking away, cracking a grin.

“Soccer? You hate sports, mija.” He says, a bit of laughter in his voice. "What made you decide to try out? I don't recall you being the least bit interested before."

Something in his eyes becomes brighter, a sense of familiarity as he eagerly awaits your response– and the thing is, you couldn’t tell him why. Not without addressing the elephant in the room. Maybe you’d hang my medals too? Maybe you’d frame a photo of me? You know well your question reminds him of someone else. 

“No reason.” 

It was no surprise that you were terrible at it. After barely two seasons, you'd already given up. However it was surprising to see Miguel in the stands during the times that you had a game, but there wasn’t much to watch anyway— not when you’d been relegated to the bench for most of the time. All you felt was shame. 

Oddly enough, he didn't question it. He remained silent during the rides back home, his gaze distant and never once looked at you. Had you embarrassed him to an extent where he couldn’t even acknowledge you? Or have you given him the impression that you were just no better than the little girl in his pictures?

You dared not to talk about it too.

Music was your passion; the pulse, the poise and elegance of it all resonating with you deeply. Ballet was something that spoke to you particularly in ways no other art form could. You found a special joy out on stage, a feeling that grew deeper and greater each time you danced.

But like every flame that you desperately try to keep alive, Miguel had a way of snuffing it out. 

You remember it all so vividly, even though you'd much rather the memory be nothing more than a faint blur. Your very first recital and yet he wasn't anywhere to be found amongst the audience.

Your focus was a tunnel-vision, only set to finding even a glimpse of him— you had been so determined to find him that you forgot about all of your own movements. Soon, the few wrong turns had turned to missed cues; as soon as the music stopped, you made a run for it.

Your teacher had done her best to console you that day, attempting to coax a smile from you in front of the vanity mirror with its bright lights. She had wrapped her arms around you, doing anything she could to draw even the faintest curve of your lips. But you stayed slumped on your seat, feeling the weight of the unshed tears on your eyes. 

The door swung open, finally revealing Miguel; he was out of breath and sweat glistened on his forehead. His shirt was unbuttoned at the top and his tie was undone, a clear sign that he had run all the way here. He paused for a moment to catch his breath before walking in frantically, eyes looking for you. 

His eyes softened at the sight of you in your pretty pink tutu– then the tenderness was replaced with a feeling akin to plummeting one hundred stories down. How could he miss this? How could he let his sweet girl wait? He rushed to your side, sinking down into a kneeling position. He looked upon you with lines creasing his forehead and you already knew what was to come out of his lips.

“I’m sorry muneca, I came as fast as I could.” 

The other parents of your classmates started to barge inside the very room, their children giddy with joy and excitement, running to them with beaming smiles. You could hear their loud congratulations– voices singing sweet praises and telling how they looked outstanding on stage. The noise sounded like static in your ears, like their words were unfamiliar to you. They received bouquets of flowers, sweets– gifts for a job well done. Miguel came late and only with apologies. 

“You want pretty flowers too, mijita? We can stop by the flower shop a few blocks away from here, you can pick any bouquet you want.” His lips curved into a gentle smile, desperate to make his daughter feel better– the same daughter who wouldn't even meet his gaze. “Papa had to deal with something. I’ll be sure to go to your next recital– pinky promise.” 

“But I worked really hard for this.”

You wanted so desperately to blame him; to yell at him for every mistake that you've made on the stage. You felt ashamed, humiliated, and helpless all at once- and still, you couldn’t have the heart to be mad at him.

He looked at you apologetically, "Baby, I'm sorry I couldn't make it earlier. How about we talk about the flowers you want to buy instead? There are lots of restaurants nearby as well— you can pick whatever pleases you, just name it." He paused for a moment before continuing, gently nudging your shoulder. “I know how much this meant to you.”

If he did, why couldn’t he have come at all?

You let out a deep sigh, feeling completely ridiculous in your tutu. All of the sudden, the leotard appeared to be two sizes too small and utterly irritating; your tights seemed unbearably itchy. You looked down helplessly, wanting nothing more than to leave this situation behind. “I just want to go home. Can we just leave? Please?” You pleaded softly. 

He bit the inside of his cheek, a gesture that conveyed own sinking heart in a way words could not. His shoulders sagged ever so slightly, breath hitching as he gave in to your request instead. 

“Of course.” 

After that very moment, you'd vowed to yourself never to wait in anticipation of something that may or may not come. You wouldn’t put your faith in any more of your father's promises spoken under the dead of night. It took a toll on you– your naivety had taught you better than before.

But when your fifteenth birthday drew near, you never expected he would go so far.

The locks clicked and whirred as Miguel fumbled with the keys to the front door. You could hear your Father's voice, clearly agitated as he jostled the keys back and forth in an attempt to fit them into the lock. Finally, he steps inside, eyes immediately darting to you.

“You’re not wearing your birthday dress, sweetie. Is something wrong?” He’s wearing a smile, struggling to keep the two boxes of cake upright as he locks the door from behind. The banner is lopsided and the balloons scattered all around seem small– like they’ve been there for days and were starting to deflate themselves. He kisses the top of your head once he gets close, getting a better view of what you were working on on the counter. Homework. “Did you have your friends over today? How was it? Wanna hear all about it.”

And he must have forgotten. You decided to pretend not to hear his question, continuing to jot down notes, only humming at his presence. He settles the boxes down, sitting on the stool beside you. 

“I know papa’s late, but you can still go and wear your dress. I want to take pictures– should we order pizza? Do you want something else?” He’s rambling, hurriedly searching for his tone to dial down a few numbers. Miguel turns frantic, looking at the closed signs under every nice restaurant. “Pizza should be fine, mijita– you’ve eaten dinner, right?” 

“Not hungry.” 

Miguel chuckled, dialing anyway. “Did school suck today, sweetie?” He jokes, trying to lighten the mood. “You know what can cheer you up? Cake. You love cake.”

“I don’t like cake anymore.” You say, your voice barely above a whisper. You can feel frustration boiling over inside– and you fear it wasn’t the kind you’ve grown accustomed to suppressing. He was oblivious and it was killing you, hurting you in so many ways possible. “I’m not hungry.” You repeat again.

“Don’t be like that, __. Besides, it’s still tradition.” He stands up to check the drawers, only finding worn out candles from past birthdays. He takes a lighter. “Know what’s better than a cake? Two cakes! You’ll change your mind, go and open the boxes mija,”

Miguel excitedly pressed his hands on your shoulders, pushing you gently forward to open the two boxes of cake. The look in his eyes was that of pure anticipation as he waited eagerly for you to do so. It almost hurt you to tell him the news— that you wanted more than to just take the blame itself. It was conflicting. 

You finally got up from the bar stool, settling on your feet in front of the counter. Taking a deep breath, you carefully opened the lid of the boxes. What greeted you had made you visibly recoil– the small flicker of hope that settled in your chest gone as quickly as it came. The cakes were crumbled and the frosting was all over the box, like it had been trampled and tossed around.

Was this all a joke? Were you a joke to him? Your shoulders trembled as you couldn't bring yourself to look away from it; the letter was still visible but amongst the cake crumbs lay written a name– Gabriella. Not happy birthday to you, but Gabi. 

You didn’t know what hurt most. Your lips quivered and all you could mutter was, “Gabi?”

His eyes widened in surprise as he quickly moved to your side to take a look at the cake himself. He swiftly closed the lids, shaking his head. “Must’ve been a mistake back at the bakery. I can–” 

And you could barely catch your breath, not when the hurt piled over one another. 

“Are the medals from her? The one’s from your bed? The trophies?” 

He furrowed his eyebrows, clearly irritated. “What did I tell you about snooping around my things, __?”

“Is this the girl–” A ragged inhale cuts your thoughts, “on your nightstand and wallet?” You didn’t even realize you had started to cry, but when another breath had caught itself in your throat, you were inconsolable– finally letting the dam break all at once.

Miguel did nothing to console you– he didn’t know how to. He knew he had messed up royally and all he could do was helplessly watch you break down. Who knows how long you’ve kept this? 

“__, come on. It’s just a simple mistake, it’s still cake–”

“And it was my birthday!” 

“Baby, what’s the big deal?” He was shocked and understandably so. His sweet, babygirl, who was usually so quiet and docile, was talking back angrily to him– but Miguel knew better than to point fingers. This was his fault– your unbecoming was his own doing.

“You just had to be late– on my birthday!” 

“I have work, baby, you know this.” 

“That still doesn’t explain anything!” You cried out, desperation flooding your voice. “Why are you never home? Where do you go? Who is Gabriella– why do you love her more than me?” You could feel your breath catch in your throat as your voice rose and trembled with every question. Your breathing grew unsteady and your throat began to close up, not allowing anymore words to come out as much as you wanted to scream. You feared there’d be no more room for air.

And there was something about Gabriella that everytime she was brought up, Miguel would be defensive. Perhaps it was the plenty of times Lyla would reprimand him when she catches him watching the few videos of them or when Jess would pity his state. “Don’t be ridiculous, __. I made a mistake– that’s it. We don’t have to fight.” He says, grabbing a spatula. “If it bothers you so much, here,”

Miguel frustratedly spreads the lettering with the spatula, leaving smudges of red on top of perfectly white frosting, resulting in a more muddled mess. He's making a complete mess of it and you can't bear to watch any longer. Your still figure finally reaches out to grab his wrist, “Stop— stop that! What are you doing?!”  

It was no use. The cake was nothing but totally ruined now. You didn’t even have the chance to read the message. He forcefully digs the candles on both, sliding it in front of you. Your eyes stayed on the cake– you didn’t have the heart to look at him. Anger boiled up within you and without a moment's hesitation, the words leaped from your mouth, "You're not listening to me! This is not what I'm so upset about—!"

But he responds in the same loudness as yours, slamming his hands down on the cold tiles of your countertop. “Okay, champ, you got it– go for it! Say what you have to say,” A sarcastic chuckle left his lips, adding insult to the already deep wound. “What do you have to tell me so bad?”

And you didn’t think it was possible for silence to be more deafening, but as you stared each other down, all you could think of was how maybe Miguel was worse than the archetypal absent one who chose to abandon his child or the dead-beat-dad who ultimately never cared for them. 

You were right. Fathers were capable of unloving their daughters and the way his dark eyes burned into yours was all the answer you needed. This wasn’t your papa– did you ever know him?

“My birthday was two days ago.” 

He furrowed his eyebrows, doubt creasing his forehead as he looked back to the calendar hung on the fridge. His gaze resting on your birthday date, the red circle mocking him in vivid reminder— two days ago. Your birthday was two days ago. The realization hit him like a ton of bricks, and he felt nothing but guilt tying his stomach in knots. 

“Mijita–” He’s quick to console you, the anger in his words disappearing immediately and turning into an apologetic one– but every time he’d try to move forward, you’d only step back. Miguel couldn’t even bear to think how you’ve celebrated on your own. How you waited for him all night in your birthday dress. He subtly shook his head, trying his best not to clog his mind yet. 

He needed to make it up to you. He couldn’t lose you too.

“My birthday– why did you have to take it?” You rubbed your eyes harshly, but the more you wiped the tears away, the more they seemed to fall. “It’s mine and I still had to wait for you to be able to sing the song. It’s my day and all I could think of was what time you might come home tonight.”

You wanted nothing more than for him to run to you with open arms, to let you cry on his shoulders– but as his silence stretched on, you mistook it as nothing but ruthless. He simply didn’t care. Miguel was too much of a wall for that. 

The look you gave him was nothing but hate– a look no parent wants to ever come across and it almost makes him stagger back. It was like what he had done was the most disgusting– most inconsolable act ever beyond repair and all he could do was watch; watch as another daughter of his slip through his fingers. He’s holding you like water and he doesn’t know how to keep you in.

You scoffed, averting your gaze. “You don’t want to talk about it? Fine by me.” You turned your back, letting out another shaky exhale. You couldn’t look at him the same– not after this.

“You make it really, really, hard to feel like a daughter.” 

And with that, you run to your room, leaving Miguel to stay rooted to where he stood. He thinks to himself– had he taken that from you too?

[jellybeanium124]

being a white passing american jew is a perspective worth talking about, I think. because on the one hand I'm not a person of color. I've been treated as if I am white by society my whole life. I have access to white privilege as long as I keep my true ethnic identity a secret. and because of all this I internalized racist ideas same as white people did, which are now baked into my head, and I have to unlearn them. on the other hand, I am part of a racial/ethnic minority that is on the receiving end of a lot of bigotry, especially right now. so I know how it feels to be on both sides of this.

and as I'm sure everyone knows bc white people love being guilty and crying in public, unlearning racism is uncomfortable. catching yourself thinking something racist is uncomfortable. you want to believe you're a good person but then you think or say or do something that really isn't okay (and if you say or do something, you fucking apologize, because you're a grown up). it's that squirmy feeling in your chest, that guilt in your stomach. and something a lot of white people have trouble with is the fact that your discomfort is 10 million times less important than being antiracist. it's human to put your comfort first, but it's wrong, and as long as a white person values their personal comfort above being an antiracist ally, they aren't an antiracist ally.

the thing is most white people on tumblr are at least... vaguely aware of this. at least aware that they have internalized racism they need to work through. but for some ~magical~ reason goyim do not seem to realize that they maybe just might have some internalized antisemitism to work through. so when they get that squirmy feeling that comes from being called an antisemite, they lash out (not that white people don't lash out when they're called a racist, because of course they do). I think a lot of goyim on here just straight up aren't thinking that there's any possibility they may have internalized antisemitic ideas.

so to any goy reading this: you grew up in an antisemitic world. you have antisemitic ideas baked into your head that you need to unlearn. you might have to apologize for something you say or do. and as long as you prioritize not feeling uncomfortable over being a jewish ally, you're not an ally to the jewish people.

[leclercsbunny]

maybe if you loved me ♡ c. sainz

part one ♡ masterlist

f1chai amid the silly season, carlos sainz and long time girlfriend y/n y/l/n have confirmed their break up in separate instagram posts claiming the split to be amicable and a mutual decision. although the reason for their breakup was never mentioned, it was alleged that the couple had issues involving a nameless third party in two separate ocassions.

more than the heavy weight of your luggage, there was an unsettling feeling of dread and restlessness slowly easing it's way into your chest. shoulders sagging, you passed the bag to the driver; mentally preparing yourself to face him. you felt shaky, emotional and the makings of a headache were making itself known— perhaps due to dehydration or the sweltering heat in mallorca that you've usually loved.

not in this very day though. today, it stung your skin. made your eyes squint, increasingly sensitive, what with the waterworks you've unleashed the night prior.

"uh.. i'm leaving." your voice was timid, while carlos shifted on his feet, stiff as a board. a day old stubble and his underbags were prominent. you both looked worse for wear, yet you couldn't find within yourself some comfort with that.

"i'm sorry, y/n..." he repeated the same phrase, as if a mantra now; but you refused to acknowledge his apologies, as you did the night before. if he was truly sorry, he wouldn't have wronged you. not once, not even twice. "i'm really sorry. i love you, i promise you that. i really do—"

"please carlos... i'm done. we're done. no amount of apologies could ever make up for what you did." you wipe your tears with trembling hands. you'd wanted to scream at his lying and cheating face, ask him why you weren't enough; why was he insisting that he loves you when he clearly, can't hold onto it?

you spent half a decade with this man. you love him beyond reason, without a doubt. and it was against every single will in your body, but your heart was aching for him.

yet you... had to leave some respect for yourself. you were going to walk out of his life with your dignity intact.

it was not easy to strip away every reminder of carlos in your life— you grew together, experienced and enjoyed the different things life had to offer.

there were certain quirks you learnt from him.

things you'd borrow off of eachother which had slowly transformed to this surprisingly tasteful blend of your styles.

it was not easy to unlearn those habits, and contain the urge to wear something of his favorite.

but it was more than difficult to face the one and only person in both of your lives that mattered the most.

the last thing you'd expected when you'd opened the door was reyes, clutching onto a tearful matteo. without thinking, you've opened your arms to the boy and he'd jumped into your arms unbashedly, whining out a wet cry.

you'd pursed your lips, looking towards the elder woman who's motherly gaze made your resolve weaken. you could also faintly see the tears in her eyes, and you could only muster a small smile.

you assumed his father had explained why you weren't around any longer; it had been six weeks since you've broken things off with carlos.

you rubbed matteo's back in hopes of comforting the boy, he'd been evidently upset, "he keeps saying he misses you." reyes explains softly.

your eyes closed briefly, attempting to stop the tears, "i missed you too, sweet boy." you whisper words of comfort to him, trying to ease his crying. his sobs eventually calmed down, but his hold on you never faltered.

"will you still be my mama?" came the weak and small voice. it made your chest tighten, and you tamper down a sob.

"only if you want me to be, matteo." you whisper back, pressing a kiss on his temple.

f1chai carlos sainz launches his new relationship with a steamy liplocking in public with mystery woman

[tododeku-or-bust]

Wait, is racism really a big problem in fandom spaces? /genq

Maybe I’ve been living under a rock or I’m not in spaces that are racist. But I genuinely had no clue that was such a big issue

(Major note: I am white)

I- You didn't have to tell me lmao. I'm genuinely stunned right now 😅 like I don't.... Yes!! Racism is an incredibly pervasive problem in fandom and media related spaces, and- and I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, but I am being honest and teaching you the truth- the fact that you are just now realizing that is a major part of the problem.

I wrote an addition to my original post here getting into some of the details as to WHY fandom racism, particularly against Black fans, is a real thing. You can Google and YouTube the topic, and there are Black bloggers that discuss them in detail- I'm going to tag some people who could drop specific names.

You are absolutely in spaces that are racist. So toss that out of your mind. There's not a singular fandom, nor space on earth, that antiblack racism cannot reach. Perhaps your peers aren't discussing it out loud, perhaps y'all aren't recognizing that the behavior occurring within your environment is racist, but it is very much there. And an unawareness of it means that it's probably a lot more of it going unacknowledged than you think.

One good way to solve this problem is to follow Black bloggers in your fandoms (and in general), and other bloggers of colors, and pay attention to the things we discuss. Because for those of us that are still kicking, we do discuss these things! You're going to have to put yourself out there and be willing to get uncomfortable in order to learn how to recognize racism around you, as well as within you, so that you can unlearn those harmful behaviors and do better.

Otherwise... Now that I've told you this, you would be choosing willful ignorance. And that's the OTHER major problem with racism in fandom/in general- those who are told their actions or words are racist, and who choose to double down on that racism instead.

[artificergorgug]

Been thinking a lot about how Fabian uses the word triggering. He uses it in reference to the sexy rat, to the term 'turncoat', and (i believe) about Chungledown Bim

And he says it like a joke, right? Like the point is that Lou is making a joke because haha a sexy rat and a mirror abandoning Fabian and a funny-named gnome that wants to shit in his mouth are all funny concepts so why shoudn't it be funny that they're traumatizing

Except, I think Fabian is using that term earnestly. I think he is genuinely upset by how a sexy rat wanted to violate him in the nightmare forest and that in order for him to progress he had to lay down and give coerced consent to it

I think he is deeply hurt by people he loves leaving him. Sure, this time it's a mirror being a 'turncoat', but it's also his mom going on vacation with Gilear. And thinking about how Fabian interacts with Cathilda, treats her like a parent and a caregiver, you have to think that his dad was at the very least emotionally unavailable (if not physically so) and we all know about his mom's sensory deprivation egg

I think Chungledown Bim terrifies him in ways he can't articulate. The representation of how he's fallen short of his father's legacy persuing him endlessly. Being given spells and wealth and access by his devil father. Tracking him down to degrade him in an extremely visceral way

Fabian says that things are triggering with a smile on his face and a laugh in his voice. He's learned that saying the uncomfortable thing means money being thrown at a problem. He's learned that you're supposed to distance yourself from your feelings, to self-medicate

He doesn't have the skills or the practice to tell his friends in all seriousness that the things they say bother him. Remind him of his hardest days - in Leviathan, the Nightmare Forest, the Red Waste

And the part that hurts the most is that if he had this earnest conversation, his friends would be there. They'd respect him. Maybe help him unlearn some of the lessons that have shaped this ineffective request for help in the first place

But he doesn't ask and he says it as a joke and they hear it as a joke and nobody heals

[d-romanov]

eep i’m obsessed with your stories!! if you want any inspiration, maybe soft mama nat taking care of R when she’s sick? R probably isn’t used to being cared for in that way because of her past, and is adamant at first that she’s fine. Ofc Nat provides lots of cuddles and carries weak R throughout the tower

everyone needs a sick day

[ 845 words ]

[ natasha romanoff x teen!widow!reader ]

notes: i'm so glad you like them!! i'm always a sucker for soft nat, and it was fun to write reader being so stubborn :P i hope you enjoy!!

summary: reader is sick and stubborn and natasha thinks it's funny.

cw: mentions of past abuse (the red room)

You figured that your sneezing the other day had just been allergies, and that the chills you had last night were simply the air conditioning being up too high. The unpleasant aching all over must have just been from overdoing it while you were sparring the other day, and your cough was simply a consequence of the air being so dry. It was the middle of winter in New York City, after all.

At no point did you truly consider you were sick. Avenger or not, you were still a Widow, and Widows simply didn't get sick.

Being sick meant you were vulnerable, weak. Weakness wasn't tolerated because weakness got you killed.

It took a long time for you to unlearn all the things you'd been taught, no matter how often Natasha reminds you you're safe when you wake up from a nightmare.

You'd made a lot of progress in your year at the tower, but there were some things that just didn't go away that fast.

So, out of a deeply rooted fear, only exacerbated by the low-grade fever you've had the last two days, you decided you wouldn't tell anyone.

Of course, Natasha, your mentor and mother figure, saw through it straight away when you walked into the kitchen for breakfast. She noted your especially sluggish movements and subtle shivering while you shuffled to the counter.

"How'd you sleep, y/n?" You rub your eyes to try and wake yourself up.

"Fine, you?" It comes out really scratchy and bugs your throat, but you're able to suppress the cough that threatens to bubble up. You're fine.

"I slept alright, just got a little too warm last night, did you notice that?" You're not sure if she's caught on, but you know the tower has impeccable temperature control.

"Eh, a little, wasn't that bad though." You throat feels especially dry when you swallow, and you try to suppress another cough. It doesn't work however, and the choked noise that leaves you is painful.

"Yup thought so." Natasha makes her way next to you and hold her hand to your head, to which you unconsciously lean into the cooling touch. "You're sick, hun."

"M'not sick." You grumble, not bothering to move your head away or sit up straight. You know you've been caught.

"Sweetheart, you're burning up. Let's get you back to bed and get some medicine in you."

Your sick daze impedes your rational thought, and your heart skips a beat at the mention of "medicine."

"No, no Nat 'm fine, really." You stumble when you stand too fast, but Natasha catches your arms gently.

"No, you're sick y/n." Her tone is soft but firm, she's not trying to punish your weakness, she just wants to help. "Now are you gonna listen or do I have to carry you back?" Her mouth quirks up.

You glare defiantly up at Natasha's slightly amused expression. You're not a baby, you don't need to be carried.

Your face scrunches up. "I'm fine." And you sneeze right as you say it. Wonderful.

Natasha raises an eyebrow at you. "Alright then," Next thing you know, she's scooped you up with her hands under your back and legs. "Carried it is."

"Wha-! Nat put me down!" You practically squeal as you squirm in her arms, but her hold doesn't falter once.

"Nope! You, miss, are going back to bed and resting until you're better."

"But-!"

"No buts."

You grumble and cross your arms, tucking your head into her neck, which feels cool against your hot forehead.

As Natasha carries you through the tower, you feel yourself relax. Her neck is relief from the fever and headache, the rhythmic bounce from every step is practically rocking you to sleep.

Your body is still periodically shocked by a harsh cough or chill, but Natasha kisses your forehead and shushes you, or squeezes your body a little tighter against hers.

You think you hear someone say 'hi' because Natasha stops before you're on your floor yet, but you're too content in your position to acknowledge it.

Soon enough, you're being placed gently back in your bed and being handed a glass of water and some Tylenol.

You tiredly swallow the pills and drink most of the water, which is soothingly cold as it goes down.

Natasha tucks you in warmly and swipes your hair from your face. "You'll feel better if you get some rest, малышка, and I'll make you some soup when you wake up."

You giggle tiredly. "You can't cook, мама,"

Natasha blows a raspberry at you. "Okay, I'll microwave you some canned soup. How's that?"

"s' good." You're failing at keeping your eyes open, and Nat turns the bedside lamp off and moves to leave. You grumble.

"What is it, детка?"

You reach your hand out lazily, eyes shut and brows furrowed. "Stay."

Natasha smiles and lifts the covers, scooting down and pulling you close under her chin. "Sleep, love."

After some shifting you settle against her and your breathing soon evens out, soundly asleep in your mother's arms.

[leqonsluv3r]

pretty girls don’t cry

— you love leon but as you reflect on your past with him, maybe it’s best it’s over, a blurb

masterlist taglist

an: i’m sorry this is so sad, and not a oneshot. i have two that are almost finished. inspiration struck at 3am, yall know how it is.

you don’t even know where it all went wrong. where the love turned to hate and everything twisted around and mulled like an ugly beast waiting to strike.

it made you sad, not able to pinpoint the exact cause of everything that shattered around you. you’d loved leon for as long as you’d remembered and that was all you’d known.

and in the deep dark part of you that wanted to hate him, thought that maybe he’d planned this out all along. made you some weak little girl without any fight left on purpose. you knew that wasn’t true, you were both broken but…

you didn’t know if it was something you said, something you did and the feeling in the pit of your gut never really went away. memories of that night echoed in your skull like an angry ocean, crashing against the shore.

“you can’t keep doing this to yourself. you’ll die.” you said, thinking you sounded brave in the words you said. that maybe this would give him some strength to change. foolish, you think now.

to think you could change a man, a man you loved no less. a man you put your heart and soul into for years, a man that was such a part of you, that it physically pained you when he walked away.

“you’re not my fucking mother! fucks sake! stop being so damn controlling.” you heard him reply back, yelling and shaking every bone in your body. a side you’d never seen before. a side you despised. you hated it, you wanted to hit him and smack some sense into his gorgeous face.

and the venom that spewed from your mouth wasn’t any better, “don’t be such a child! i’m just trying to help you! you should be thankful i’m still around!”

and you saw the frozen air still around the both of you, cracking and breaking like shards to glass. you should have just kept your mouth shut, not said anything. but were you wrong? no, you weren’t.

but that still didn’t stop the ache in your bones and your chest, your eyes were red and heavy with tears. so damn tired of crying, but can’t bring yourself to stop. you hated him for making you like this, so weepy and sad.

“pretty girls don’t cry.” he had mumbled to you into your skull one day, caressing your hair. this was before everything had gone south, when he actually cared enough to console you.

fuck you, i am crying and it’s all your fault. you think now, cursing him as if he were actually around and not just a ghost haunting your bones and memory.

but you couldn’t help it, he’d left, taking a part of your heart with him. he ended things, you needed him too and you hated admitting that maybe he wasn’t right for you. he changed.

you fought hard, you tried to change him, to hold onto that man you fell in love with so many years before. it was hard to just learn to live without him, to breathe air. but you managed in a way, breathing on your own and just surviving without a life raft.

you needed him shamelessly, even when he walked away and cut things off, when he was the one to leave you in pieces. to make you hate him with every fiber in your body, but you couldn’t hate him fully. he taught you how to love so many years ago.

and you couldn’t unlearn something so visceral and such a deep part of your soul. you just couldn’t bring yourself to, not knowing that he was out there. that he was breathing and living and trying as hard as you to forget.

it was painful, it was a sharp reminder that love wasn’t easy and that pain comes with it. even when you would eventually see him again, maybe find your way back to him. that the pain would still reside, along with the love.

glass shattering, broken promises, lies. they all piled up in your way like a blockade as you unraveled leon from your body. in every aspect of your life, he was tangled within you, a part of every part of who you were.

it was scary, to see someone change right in front of you and not be able to do a singular thing about it. all you could do was watch, try and help. and even in your case, that wasn’t enough.

he still left and you still hoped deep down he would come back to you. that he would apologize and that maybe, maybe he would care about you again.

but even if that did happen, you didn’t know if you could let yourself.

and that was even scarier.

an: if you guys want to request blurbs now, you absolutely can now. as well as headcanons, pls repost <33 i hope u guys enjoyed. i love u all so much. kisses xx

[beecanons]

better yet Loki or Bucky (marvel) with autism reader :3333

loki and bucky with an autistic reader!

loki~

doesnt fully understand it at first but once you explain a little about neurodivergences he catches on and will probably make a comparison to something from asgard

does all the research on it, learns what midgard knows about this and gets frustrated with the history of mistreatment and such.

has no shame in admitting he's learning about it just for you. but will ask you dont go around telling people about this side of him, especially dont mention it to thor or he'll never hear the end of it.

very observant of your behaviours, stims, sensitivities and preferences.

"dont pick that one, love, it has a texture you dislike" "..i warned you"

he will do whatever he can to help you with a meltdown, he has outlets for his own anger so hes more than ready to help you find outlets to avoid hurting yourself.

you spend hours talking, especially about interests. he's happy to have someone to talk with and listen to him and is more than happy to listen to you rant and ramble about your special interests

will summon a stim or texture object for you to fidget with if you need.

need to sit in a quiet place and de-stim? he'll find a dimly lt corner and sit with you, maybe read to you if you'd like.

extremely respectful of boundaries, listens when you struggle and does what he can to help be it communication or otherwise

pays attention to your ques when you need or cant stand physical touch.

if anything makes you insecure he'll compliment you on it or avoid comments on it if you prefer.

Bucky~

a little slow with wrapping his head around it, came from a time where there was a lot of stigma around high support needs autistic folk so he might have some things to unlearn and a lot of new stuff to learn.

tries his best to memorise your sensitivities and preferences but will mix a few things up.

off handedly remembers a lot of details you dont expect him to catch onto, especially when it comes to how you communicate.

will come up with nicknames based on comparing your behaviours he finds cute with certain animals who have the same behaviours.

if you like organizing things hes a mess and never remembers where you put things and has to ask every time because hes used to chaotic order.

picks up on your stims and even starts doing a few himself without realizing.

"hey, fruit bat, where'd the keys go?" "...obviously by the door, right"

loves going to the movies with you but makes sure you get a good seat in the back not too close to the speakers or too close/far from the screen so you arent over stimulated.

stops wearing cologne because youre sensitive to scents and he doesnt want to give you a headache

need something cold/smooth to calm down/relax? you can hold onto his metal arm

isnt sure how to handle your meltdowns but does what he can to help you, breaths with you if you need it maybe even has you rest your head on his chest to help you calm down when its over.

[i-like-anything-water]

Head canons on chloenette's first pride as a couple:

"Chloé, this is fine. We aren't going to the Met Gala." "In what definition of Pride do you not understand, darling?"

Obviously they'd be the IT couple, fashion wise.

Chloé sees the free mom/dad hugs and tears up but she doesn't want anyone to know (their classmates are with them) so Mari acts like she accidentally stepped on her girlfriend's foot so they can excuse themselves for privacy.

"I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting-" "It's okay. I understand."

When they go back to their friends, Chloé steals another glance at the proud parents and thinks 'next time, maybe I can have a hug too.'

A religious homophobe decides to crash one of the booths so Chloé doesn't hesitate to wack them with her bag 'accidentally.'

"You're right, babe. This was fine. At least I didn't have to waste my good bags on filthy pieces of shit like them."

Marinette doesn't know if she should be baffled or turned on.

The day goes well. They're both overwhelmed, Chloé more so. But it's freeing to see people like them live their lives proudly and happily.

Chloé volunteers to get them the famous rainbow colored hotdogs as Mari finds a spot. "You don't even eat those." "Well, I am a lesbian."

As she's making her way through the crowd, Chloé suddenly bumps into someone. After months of learning how to be nicer and unlearning toxic habits, she was prepared to say sorry.

To a woman with a shirt that says 'That's my daughter, and I'm proud of her."

"Oh sweetie, I didn't see you! I'm sorry about that. Are you alright? Did you hurt yourself?"

"I.."

The woman gives her a bright smile and digs into her bag she was carrying. "Here, my daughter made these. As an apology for bumping into you."

It was a bracelet with all the colors of the rainbow. Chloé didn't know how to react.

Without waiting for a reply, the woman gives Chloé a quick hug and a pat on the shoulder.

As they're making their way back home, Chloé cuddles into Mari when they're at the privacy of the limo. "I wanna be like them." "Who?" She shows the small bracelet the woman gave her, "Them."

Well, that's all I have for now. Will now go back to my cave to continue writing some prompts.

[writergeekrhw]

I just want to offer an alternative take on Kira’s behaviours being queer coded (Is it the short hair? The anger? I don’t know what people mean tbh, sounds… stereotypical and rude to queer women tbh), I never got those vibes as a young person watching her, never would have occurred to me at the time. I’m not judging I just have a very different view the character let me explain.

What I did get from her was that she was young and female and religious and angry and she was ALLOWED to be all those things. And I was ALL those things too, and it meant, and still does mean, the world to me that she was like that but ALSO competent and respected and loveable even though she was so, so angry, frustrated, and DONE at the injustice in her life. I (also some close friends) was going though some dark times myself when I was young, and Kira was a beacon of hope. And as she grew in her character arcs, and faced her own prejudices from Marritza to everything else, to me that was saying you can do it. If Kira can do it, can look her shitty past in the eye and say I will break this cycle and do better and unlearn and grow, you can do it too. Back to dark stuff and queer coding - I’ve seen people blast Kira getting more “feminine” (again, what? The hair? Softer personality? She learned to be gracious, is that so bad? Angry redhead stereotypes aren’t great) over time as bad and anti-queer, but to this young person it was… sometimes young women go through things at the hands of oppressors and making yourself unappealing and masculine is a choice for safety. Men don’t want ugly. So seeing her grow past that too, seemed like a culmination of her safety and maybe by extension bajor’s as metaphor.

Maybe this is a stupid interpretation but I did not see kira queer, I saw her as a hurt person who was allowed to heal and that gave me hope. I’m sorry if this is not what you intended but Kira kinda saved me from giving up and I want to thank you (and all involved) for her. Sorry this isn’t super well organized thoughts. I really am grateful for all of ds9. It was a very good show.

Without getting too deep into critical theory and Writer Intention vs. Viewer Interpretation, this is also a perfectly valid interpretation of Kira's character and it's yet another lens through which we saw her/wrote her, probably even the dominant one (and the one I suspect Nana drew most from for her performances).

Which is not to invalidate people who saw her as queer/repressed or people who saw her as a colonized woman wrestling with her ambivalence about her new, arguably more benevolent colonizers, or people who saw her as a person of faith struggling to see past her religious prejudices, or people who saw her as a terrorist trying to overcome her past sins.

Over 172 episodes, multiple writers wrote her thinking about different things. Sometimes the very same writers would draw from different inspirations from episode to episode or scene to scene or even line of dialogue to line of dialogue. And of course, Nana and the various directors would bring their own takes to every moment.

All of which, IMHO, helped make her a terrific character.

Also thank you for the kind words and I'm glad we helped! LLAP.

[ravennaortiz]

Hate Me, Love me: Juice's Story

Summary: Navigating an arranged marriage is hard enough. Its even harder when one of you seems to hate the other on site.

As always my stories are 18+

"Can you just shut the hell up? Seriously dude. You have been like the most unhelpful person today" snapped Juice as he slammed his fist down on the top of the bar. "Easy" murmured Chibs from his left as Tig just stared at Juice for a moment. It wasn't every day the kid got the balls to mouth off at him. "All I was saying was a good fuck may chill her out" grumbled Tig as he caught Chibs look before moving away to sulk on one of the couches.

Juice sighed as he rubbed his hands over his face. Too say he was on edge and stressed the fuck out was an understatement. He could easily say the last week had been the worst he had ever experienced. Everyone in the club had something to say but somehow they were managing to say nothing at all. Glancing up at the clock he sighed. He had hoped he would be able to figure out how to make his home feel like a home again and not a war zone before he headed out for the day.

"Just give her time Laddie" stated Chibs as Juice slid off his stool. Juice nodded. He had figured that already. Neither of you had asked for this arranged marriage and to be honest you had gotten the worse end of the stick. Uprooted and shipped to a new state to live with a stranger had to be shocking to say the least. So he understood your wariness. Though it seemed to feel more like hatred at this point. Which sucked because he felt he had been trying to make this easier, not to mention he really wanted to get to know you, but your responses had only gotten more aggressive. “Think I may just check in to a hotel for the night. Stop in and make sure she is good.” stated Juice as he shot a text off letting you know he was on his way so not to startle you like he had last week.

*

You took a deep breath as you heard the door open and Juice call out. You were gripping the counter tightly as you tried to make your voice sound normal. “Kitchen. I made dinner” you winced as you heard the crack in your voice. You knew he heard it too as he poked his head in and your eyes met his worried brown ones. Neither of you spoke for a while as your eyes stayed glued to each other. Scared thought Juice to himself. Fear can mimic aggression, he knew that all to well. He himself had had to unlearn some behaviors when he first moved here. He had been like a wounded wild animal. Biting at any hand that got close so to speak. You just needed to know you were safe here.

“Smells good. I was thinking of grabbing a hotel room for a couple nights to let you settle in some more. Let you decompress, I know this has been stressful, but I’ll gladly take some to go if that is okay?” offered Juice as he slouched casually against the door frame.

You swallowed hard as you broke eye contact looking anywhere but at the man in the doorway. Maybe you had judged to harshly. He seemed like he was a nice enough guy but you knew all too well how that could change. “I hate to take over your house….maybe its better if I go?’ you replied glancing back at him quickly catching his frown. It’s not like you hadn’t already made his home a living hell for him this last week. Apprehension and anxiety running rampant through your veins had you jumpy and defensive. If you were a dog your face would be in a constant snarl. You hated yourself for how you had responded to him. You had not given him a chance to prove he was decent. You had let your anger, fear and betrayal from your family about this arranged marriage rule over every interaction with the man in front of you. Then to top it off him confessing about being in a motorcycle club and being an outlaw biker had not instilled safe feelings for you. You had seen the movies and shows, saw the news. You knew women were not treated well in these circles and having already went through that time and time again with past relationships you didn’t want to risk it.

“I would feel like an ass if you did. The house has the security system and most of the club is close by in case something happened. I know this sounds crazy given how the week has been but I want you safe and I need to know you are.” Replied Juice as he shook his head. “Besides if you go you don’t get rid of me I’ll end of sitting outside all night watching over the room” he added with a light laugh as he watched you frown before a small smile floated across your face. “Guess we both are staying here then huh” you replied before quickly glancing his way again. “Guess so” he stated as he pushed off the door frame and moved towards the counter where you stood stopping when he saw you move back quickly.” I’ll umm bring you a plate if you want to sit” you murmured as you gestured towards the table. Juice wanted to object but thought better of it. Small steps he thought to himself as he sat down.

The two of you ate in a somewhat comfortable silence for several minutes. “You didn’t have to make dinner or serve me a plate just so you know” started Juice before you cut him off quickly. “I cleaned everything up I promise” you spit out dropping your fork with a clatter onto the table as you tensed up for an explosion. You had been wary about doing this to begin with given how ….organized the kitchen was but had convinced yourself it was the right thing to do. A peace offering.

“I saw that” chuckled Juice lightly as he looked up at you. “I was just going to say that I don’t expect you to do that or cater to me shit like that”. You felt your cheeks heat up with embarrassment as you looked down at the table. “Oh…..sorry I….sorry” you mumbled feeling on the verge of tears for the millionth time that day”. “It’s okay. This all hasn’t been exactly normal. I get it and I understand.” Soothed Juice gently as he watched you. “You don’t have to be on the defense with me, we are on the same side. Neither of us asked for this” he added. You nodded as you looked back up at him offering him a sad smile. “True” you mumbled.

“You know just because we are married doesn’t mean we have to act like it. In fact we can start from the beginning like any two people who meet do.” Stated Juice making air quotes around the word married. “I would like to do that” you replied with a smile. “Alright then. Nice to meet you I’m Juan Carlos but you can call me Juice” stated Juice with a grin as he stretched his arm out across the table towards you.

1 Year Later

Juice was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and scrolling on his laptop when you walked in. “What’s with the shit eating grin babe? You look suspicious” joked Juice as he caught you skipped over to him. You laughed as you took a deep breath and knelt next in front of him. “Will you marry me?” you asked nervously biting your lower lip as you held out a ring pop to him. Juice was shocked. Granted the two of you were technically married already and had been asking things as they came he hadn’t expected you to be ready for this a year later. “Hell yes” he stated eagerly as he put the ring on his finger. “Wish you had taken me to get my nails done first” he huffed with a grin as you smacked him. “Gotta send this to the boys real quick then you and I are going back to bed to celebrate” he stated as he kissed your forehead making you giggle.

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[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "Your true colors - (5/7) Blue"

take a breath and choose the photo or number that calls you the most to read a message for you from the color blue, the fifth of the 7 rainbow's colors. in this serie of readings about the rainbow's colors, I will try to channel about your true colors, so to help you look inside and see your most beautiful self, appreciate yourself more and hopefully provide some type of guidance if necessary. as cindy lauper would say: "your true colors are beautiful like a rainbow", so let's look at them and hear what they have to say to you and how they (you) can help you look at things in a more positive way.

blue is the color of intuition, inner peace, serenity, spiritual development, acceptance, truth, communication, expression, service, artistry, purpose (throat chakra)... in this reading, I'll try to analyze this side of your character.

you can find the other colors' readings in the pacs list in my pinned post

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one pile, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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pile 1

I hear "turmoil". And I think your intuition may be a bit clouded atm. You feel anxious or frustrated at times and may even lash out easily. Ofc it's not good to lash out on others: I think you may accumulate stuff inside until you cannot hold it anymore and you just randomly throw it all on someone that may even not have any fault or may only say a little "wrong" thing. It's a human coping mechanism and you're not doing it on purpose so try to forgive yourself: yes, this person may ofc feel hurt and not everyone may understand your situation or forgive you, especially if it happens more than once, but it's okay to lash out in general so to not keep stuff rotting inside and make it worse. To avoid such situations, you can try to find other outlets for this mental frustration, and use them before getting to that point: eg. moving your body or singing/shouting into the void, punching your pillow.... Maybe you were the one being lashed on in the past and you kinda learnt this habit or maybe you just feel lonely and not appreciated, or you are exhausted also by people and trying to keep up with them. Psychologically, we lash out on others cause it gives us a sense of control that we may lack, but we can change this anyway: we can unlearn stuff with patience, forgiveness and kindness (with yourself) and through repetitions. Learn to communicate more about your stress, your insecurities and fears, your blockages. If not with others, at least with yourself. You are brilliant and sweet but your mind may have troubles processing stuff when you're being overwhelmed by emotions or too many informations, so instead of going full beast mode (one of the 3 usual humans' reactions to this type of situations, dw), trying to focus on one thing at time could be of help. Move your body first, to liberate from the excess of energy and then, focus on journaling maybe (or doodling some specific patterns/coloring). I do feel that writing down your issues and feelings may help you give you a different perspective and also put everything in line and get clarity about what's going on. I do feel that sometimes you may be the one putting stress on yourself by overthinking situations, words and imagining (it's not your intuition talking here but your fears) what others may think of you or how they may perceive you. It's like always having a background noise in your mind and after a while, ofc you cannot deal with it anymore. It's like always feeling wrong and out of place. I'm very sorry about this, you don't deserve it at all and I hope you can shut this overthinking down by realizing your worth never depends on others' impressions of you. Your worth is already within you.

I think you may also hear what you've been told while growing up or by other people pretty often: what they told you when you did something "wrong" or how you were wasting your time if you only needed to relax, or anything of this kind. Honestly, your inner critic may have learned a lot from them and how they easily and even harshly judged you. There's some unlearning to do here, and it's a lot about how you communicate also with yourself not just with others. It's about being kinder, more compassionate and seeing things and your needs for what they are: human stuff. If you need to lay down, you're not wasting time: you're simply recharging. And helping yourself to work in a more efficient way the moment you'll feel replenished. You don't have to drag yourself to the final line, you're not going to win anything this way, not even the approval of those people (would it really matter anyway? Or be worth of all your energy and mental sanity?). Procrastination (and the frustration that may originate from it) happens not when you're lazy but when your body feels in a threat: no matter how many things are piling up in your life, you cannot do any of those and feel guilty and shame yourself as you were in your past. But your body won't move: it's not lack of willpower it's just that your body blocked to conserve energies and survive. If you experience feeling exhausted (even after sleeping), lack of motivation, needing to lay down and even feeling detached from your body, it may be your body trying to protect you from danger, and it could be worth to try and listen to it and understand what is the danger it is perceiving; after this meditation/analysis period, try to walk or do some grounding/breathing exercise and set just easy tasks and complete them slowly to regain control of the situation. Also try to get back in touch with your physical body by touching/caressing and really feeling your movements: dancing (or yoga) is ideal, and you don't have to be a pro: just try and feel your whole body moving. Even the smallest part of it. Mind, body and soul need to come back at one. Don't hold it against you if you cannot do something, tell your mind to stop for a moment: try to follow your body's advice and act as a consequence. Acceptance (about the fact that you need to stop for a little or that you need to do something in a different way from the usual or treat yourself as any other human being -despite you may have lerned you're unworthy and useless) is indeed the key to unblock yourself at times and really move forward. You may also be able to connect better/again with your intuition after this. So yes, for every hars comment you feel telling yourself, try to add a kinder comment about anything you have done or you are. You're not just inherently bad as you were probably made believe and your mind is suggesting you by making every little negative thing look bigger than it is (normal minds' job: they need to protect you so they exaggerate everything to be sure you listen to them), nobody is.

song: you spin me round (like a record) | dead or alive

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pile 2

Dear pile 2, you seem melancholic or nostalgic. And as in the Green reading, you don't wanna share. I know it comes from your gentleness and deep empathy, but you're not being a burden tbh. I read a thing once and it said something like: "Do you like being of help to others and friends, right? It makes you feel good, right? If your answer is yes, then why you don't want your friends to feel good after helping you? Why you're not allowing them to feel joy after doing something good for you?". I think you're used to do things alone and it may be difficult for you to rely on others. To talk about your insecurities and fears, and dreams too... but if you don't share them, others may never know them. Not everyone is emotionally intellingent/intuitive as you. For some of you, there may be perfectionism issues and you may also project them on others which is blocking you from interacting on a deeper level. It's not you, nor them... and you can heal this. Your pile almost feels a mix of the other two piles tbh. And I cannot grasp it entirely... It feels as if you have decided on your own (even unconsciously, as if you were powerless or blind to see/consider anything else) that your present situation is what you're supposed to do and be, and if for some of you it is a good thing, for others (most of you) is just more like accepting a sad situation as in "I cannot change it, so I will do this anyway... it's my duty". It's like a sacrifice you're doing for others' good. And for as noble as it may seem and is your intention (behind it all), it's not going to do you any good nor make you happy... and you know it. Honestly, if you don't like this, if you don't want it, you can change it. You don't have to do anything for others, unless you actively want it. There's no such thing as being doomed to live in a certain way, unless... we fear the change. Unless we decide to willingly close off to what else is calling for us out of fear. Fear of making it, fear of not being good enough, fear of not deserving it, fear of being seen as "different" from how we're generally perceived and therefore judged, fear of not being liked, fear of ending up alone. Fear of the unknown, basically. Of not having control or of being certain of how it will go (while we know exactly where we are and how it is). But we cannot control everything in life... actually we can't control much, just ourself. And ofc we may need to make certain decisions out of need (money, eg.) but... it doesn't seem your situation (maybe just a few of you). I feel you may be used to downplaying yourself/needs and self sabotaging yourself. It's not your fault ofc, it's something you learned from your past (I am hearing gaslighting, and I'm so sorry), but your mind needs to unlearn that, or you won't be able to move away from there ever nor see your real self (ask for help/support if you cannot make it alone or it feels scary. Even ask to a friend or someone you trust... it's okay). You're probably very connected with the moon, maybe you talk with her or you're very deep and like to dig within yourself. Or it's a big part of your chart. Maybe you're a lone wolf, and maybe you even like that (or pretend to, as said). Or maybe it's your soul trying to tell you something or awake you to who you really are. Maybe some of you already know what I am talking about but cannot do anything anyway: I know, it's not easy to take action and change this mental pattern, it's more easy to tell yourself things like "It's not worth it, it'll never happen, it's not for me, what would it change, it doesn't matter, it's a useless effort...". But you can actually change everything you want to. You have such a power the moment you really put your whole self into that. And it matters. If it matters to you, then it's all worth it. Every little effort you take, even if you won't see results at first, it'll be worth it. And it'll take you where you want. At least, it'll show you your worth and deservance for something else, something (at least closer to what) you want.

I think the moon wants to guide you somewhere through your intuition, probably to your real self: you may have been fed lies for a lot, lies about yourself too, and you may have started telling yourself lies as well, to stay in the same place, to be in control (maybe where those who told you first wanted to keep you). Be more real with yourself. Talk with yourself and go deep within, have no fear of finding confirmation for what you already feel but are trying to push away out of that fear, finding excuses and telling yourself lies. Telling yourself "it's okay/better this way, it's fine, I'm good" when you're not. You're so amazing pile 2... don't push this away.

You know it's all for you, you know it. You are beautiful and deserve more. Trust yourself, in particular trust your heart and your guts. I do think that you should trust your emotions more instead of closing them off and analyze them through your mind's filter. Your mind can be biased by all that has learned from others (eg. people pleasing is good when it's not), from the past, but it's not about others and the past, it's about you now. You know that there's something off in this situation you're in and trying to accept, so don't close off to the chance that you can change it, that it can be different, and that you don't have to accept it unless you really (be objective) want it. No matter if someone will be upset by this decision: it's your life, and if they love you, they'll understand (if they don't love you... It's not your people, you don't need them in your life, they won't bring you any good -sorry to be harsh but... it's better to stay alone for a while than to be with people who only use and abuse you). You only have to be yourself in this life, and not someone you're not. And being you, exactly you, trust me, is great. You have such a big heart and open mind (use 'em for yourself too)! I think you believe you are at peace now but it's a fake peace, it's a peace that comes from tranquillity and not having to deal with fears or not having to make decisions on your own and take responsibility for them: some of you may leave decisions about your life in the hands of others, maybe your caregivers (but they may not really know you well cause you aren't... able to speak your truth with them? All out of fear again, of not being "able" to make good decisions for yourself when you totally are). Anyway this is not the real inner peace your soul may be looking for. I do think you're here for something more, something big too actually (whatever you may consider big), and you feel it too. You're not here to do something that others may like, but you're here to do something you like and some others may appreciate too or be thankful for. Maybe not everyone and that's fine, but you'll find your people. You're here to find your purpose, even if it'll take a lot of time and you'll have to try many different roads before getting there (or maybe bravely do just what your souls is asking you to do). And make mistakes or experience some failures (sometimes we fall while running, but we can get up and run again: we don't always get harshly hurt and have to interrupt -you will be able to decide when it's time to give up if necessary). You're not here to live the purpose of anyone else or to let anyone else tell you what's your purpose: that's only your own soul's call. Others cannot know it unless you unleash it freely. Talk with your mind, please. There's so much potential within you (also in arts I hear -I do feel for many the issue's about career/studies), there's so much willpower and joy... don't be blind to it all.

song: because of you | ne-yo (first lines in particular)

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pile 3

Your pile is the one of those who are trying and choosing calmness over the agitation of life and their mind -or should. You could be very spiritually gifted or just very in tune with your spiritual side or the 5d. You like to take time for you, to meditate, to ponder... or again, you should. You may get downloads from the 5d pretty often, even if you're not aware of them yet, or always.. or you may occasionally block them even unwillingly (maybe cause of fear of the unknown or of receiving the wrong info or of how others would see you or think of you if they knew; or maybe you lack trust or something -could be a religious trauma too). You may doubt about your connection with the 5d or your abilities if you are into divination of any type. And you may not trust your intuition that often even if I think it's pretty on point. You have reached (or are going to reach soon) some type of inner peace (and clarity that will come from it) and this will help you a lot for your future endeavours, even those related with spirituality. I also think you may have undergone a spiritual awakening of sort and probably are taking some time off to recover from it and all the ups and downs it brought in your energy and mind/life. You may also be artists or love arts (and honestly working on something artsy of your like could help you find calmness and clarity too and maybe get clearer downloads too). I do feel lot of peace in your energy, it feels like floating on water, reconnecting with the self... Maybe you're called to do this if you're not there yet, if you are still confused at least here and there. Take time for you, to immerse yourself in a peaceful environment (maybe even in a pool of water or the sea or in a tub) and just stay there for a while and feel the water clense your energy, your mind and your whole self (if you can/are able to, you can literally go underwater for a moment and enjoy the silence there). Take time to disconnect from the rest, from all that is just bothering you and your energy (energy vampires for some). Reconnect with your core and your intuition, meditate near/under water. Feel your heart beating, focus on it.

You may experience occasional blockages in your communication (also your daily one, not with the 5d as mentioned): you may not always remember the word for something or feel like your mind may go blank here and there (especially during Mercury rx). This could make you retreat from others at times and not feel confident enough to be seen/share stuff (fear of making mistakes and look "stupid"/feel unworthy: you're not that, my love. Not even if you are used to get talked over or interrupted or not listened to. Please start talking and sharing what you want, it's ALL important stuff -especially if related with spirituality-, even the weirdest things: they're part of you and so very important and cool. If someone doesn't listen, find someone else: it's not you the "problem" but who you talk with; also be your own trusted audience: it starts with you, with giving yourself the right attention and importance. And trust. I mean, you're amazing, don't fear to be seen). Yes, it could be also because of some type of inner turmoil/doubt/insecurity so again, try to find some balance, and reach that inner peace you so deeply need. It'll bring clarity also for what's ahead and for the decisions you may need to take soon (can't be clearer, sorry, but there's something ahead and you may get infos after meditating). I think you may be often distracted by something/keep yourself occupied and moving from a thing to another almost restlessly: it could be your mind trying to avoid thinking about something specific (maybe your insecurities' source: if you slowed down you would be obliged to analyze it, and... tbh probably you should do it now before moving forward in your life -reminder you don't have to do it alone anyway) or it could just be that you don't really know what to do and/or who you are, and are trying different things. It's not bad per se, it's good to experience different things actually as you may get a proper feedback on them and decide if you really like them or not, but maybe after a while of no result/feeling nothing, you should try and realize which is the thing that really calls you instead of losing time and energy around (trying to make everyone else happy): working so much in so many directions (or with so many people telling us what to do/asking for help), won't always bring us answers. Especially if we're giving ourself away to others or helping others first. Try to go slowly for a while, and be open to any message that may reach you at that time of meditation. It's okay to stop at times, to take a breath: you're not running out of time. Take care of yourself now, treat yourself to some time off and get comfortable with yourself and your own emotions as they may just trigger you or overwhelm you very easily sometimes. Clarity is really just around the corner, is really there, behind all the noises that you may get from the more external parts of your mind, the ones you pay the most attention to during your daily life, the ones that listen to others much more than to yourself and your needs. You just need to find some peace and calm, to be able to see beyond those noises, to dig between them and get your answers. To trust and listen to yourself only. You're a beautiful talented soul, you deserve more, especially from yourself. Dogs/horses may be omens for you or may bring messages if you dream about them (you can check on Google some meanings also according on colors/breeds), or maybe they're your Chinese horoscope signs.

song: hrs & hrs | muni long