#and maybe im sensitive but i cant take it anymore i just feel like a fucking monster

[anawkwardlady]

I just completely lashed out in anger lol

[phagodyke]

I have to be up for work in 3 hours and I'm gonna be real I think ive hit the point where I might not be getting any sleep at all. for fucks sake.

[lara4eclipze]

» love loop

sypnosis -» love is like a cycle no one can escape , you love you get love then that very love is broken , what if you just can't take it anymore

warnings-» angst, suicide, swearing, depression, both reader and lara die in here, established relationship (bestfriends) , lara had feelings for reader

talks -» im trying to experiment with my writing soo idrk how well this will do, also i know this is a very dark thing so please do scroll away if your very uhm sensitive to this topic

taglist: @ohmyhaely @nyssalvr @vrtualstar @c-yerim @jellaaa @nakylvr @chuugetmesohigh

you didnt know where you went so wrong-were you unlovable? nothing ever lasted nothing ever will, here you were again sobbing to your pillow

tears blur your eyes as you try to think clearly but you couldn't - your girlfriend has just broken up with you due to reasons you thought was so stupid

good things don't last they say yet cant you just have one thing to yourself for once? - its always you giving out love and never receiving any back

every moment felt like you were burning alive - knowing you will never find anyone that can actually love you till end of time

your phone rings with notifications every few seconds - from friends and family alike , they asked if you were alright

you couldn't respond cause you knew that you'd just end up lying - telling them yet again that you were alright and that you were just not feeling well

lara, your best friend has been calling you for the past 30 minutes - yet your hands seemed to fail every time you tried to reach for your phone and answer it

she didn't deserve to hear you sob for the maybe hundredth time this year about how you were unlovable and how you felt like you'll never meet the right person

lara felt like breaking down every time she saw you cry , just hearing your broken sobs made her die , knowing how much she can treat you way better but she didn't want to admit to you how much she really loved you

your mind was fogged over with hatred and depression nothing was worth living anymore , you slowly stood up and made your way to your balcony

the city lights faded beautifully , some blurred by your unshed tears , your hands shakily held the railings

"I'm sorry" you whisper , what were you sorry for? lara you both made a truce to never give up and always have each others back

you close your eyes and let the memories flood in , yet all of the good ones were with her with lara , it broke your heart that you didnt even talk to her before getting to this specific point

yet as you open your eyes you lift yourself up and stood on the railing , you took a quick look below you seeing no one you did it

you jumped, closing your eyes as the world around you faded into an inaudible sound, then everything was black as tears finally fell out of your eyes

this was it right? this was the end

lara drives to your apartment alarmed that you haven't responded to her calls , that's until she sees you lifeless on the cold pavement your head bleeding from what she can guess is impact of your fall

she runs out of her car quickly huddling your body trying to shake you to wake up or even show any signs of living

"y/n wake up! , don't leave me! shit don't do this to me please" she screams , she slowly started seeing the life drain out of your body , your hands got colder as your skin turned pale

as paramedics and police got to the place lara couldn't bring her self to let go of your body , she hugged you tightly regretting how late she got to your place

she wished that she just went even 20 minutes earlier , maybe just maybe she could've saved you , she could have held you for just a moment longer , she could wipe your tears away and replace it with your sickening sweet smile

days passed and none of those days did lara not sob her self to sleep, anytime she closed her eyes all she can see was you crying and begging her to help you

it was like a nightmare haunting her every night , any moment by then lara would've crumbled , yet she just wanted to see you one last time and feel your arms wrap around her just one more time

lara stood before the very same balcony you have leaped from , its like a sick play just the way you were sobbing lara was too, she wore your clothes trying to smell the comfort you bring to her life

"i want us to be together y/n , wait for me" lara mutters as she places herself above the railings , she closes her eyes and hugs herself leaping

her worries were washed away , all lara could see was you smiling at her , and as her body hits the floor all she could do was smile , she was finally gonna be with you

all lara could think about was you , even in her final moment all she wanted was you

[jackieandwilsonbyhozier]

hi hello is anyone out there ? i need real life adult advice or maybe i just need ppl to pretend to listen to me so would anyone mind pretending for a moment. ok thank u

ill make it quick for the poll but put my actual thoughts under a readmore bc i have a lot to say sry....anyway vote in the poll reply reblog send me asks whatever just somebody help me for the love of god.

basically i hate my job and its killing my soul but im making pretty good money ($20/hour) but now they want to promote me to a manager which will kill my soul even more, but ill be making $27/hour. i kind of just want to quit but now theres that, plus if i stay for 2.5 more years i can sell my company stocks and get another big bonus. but again its fucking killing me working here

so i have been at my retail job for 2.5 years im a department manager and im very comfortable and confident in my position also im making $20 an hour which is great. i just got like a semi promotion i guess so now on days when they dont have a manager to close (usually 2 days a week) im the manager on duty and those days i make $22 an hour

however now they rly want to promote me to a manager full time. like the store manager and assistant manager r both telling me how great i would be and even the fcking district manager apparently agrees and wants me. i would be making ! $27 ! an hour which tbh is the only thing actually tempting me

i honestly kind of hate being a manager. i mean i like working with like the product and planning and paperwork and that stuff im confident in that but i hate hate hate actually having to manage PEOPLE. coworkers AND customers. im an extremely sensitive timid pushover-y person i just am and that is where i face the most difficulty. angry customers make me panic and i cant make myself be assertive enough for any of my coworkers to listen to anything i say

and most of all i hate the like manager culture/attitude. if uve worked in retail or probably anywhere else maybe ull know what i mean. like laughing at ur workers bc they asked for accommodations, making fun of them bc theyre all stupid and useless, chasing homeless ppl out of the store and shouting insults at them, basically just being a bully bc u know u can cuz ur in charge. and i rly rly dont want to participate in that and wont but then the other managers wont respect me lol

and actually bottom line is im sick to death of retail. this job is already draining me and if i become a manager im afraid itll be worse. obviously customers kill me and i would be happy if the rest of my life i never had to serve another customer. but even besides them. it takes me over an hour to bus to work and that wasted time adds up. i kind of put my all into work so when i get home i dont have the energy to do literally anything else. i dont know how to have a work/life balance i only know how to work. im a little bit living in filth it feels like bc i cant make myself do chores or take care of myself it feels like my life is just work, and then being at home waiting to have to go back to work

i havent gotten new piercings or tattoos in a couple years, and i havent cut or dyed my hair in over a year, its back to plain brown which i havent seen since i was like 17. its kind of killing my spirit not to be dramatic but thats the truth. art and creativity are the most important things to me and i feel like im losing myself bc i dont have the energy to keep up with stuff like that anymore the stuff i rly care about like my self expression, i feel like im killing myself in order to turn myself into a normie ass-kissing servant. i dont even draw anymore i dont do shit. im honestly kind of depressed as fuck. i mean i also havent been on my meds for over a year now which im sure isnt helping

but.........if i keep this up i could be making $27 an hour :-) the position is more than just being handed to me theyre practically begging me to take it. also another thing about my job is that u somehow accumulate/earn (?) stocks in the company, and after uve been here for 5 years u can sell them. but only if uve been working for 5 years. if u leave before that u lose them all. so if i stay another 2.5 years ill get another big bonus when i leave. but the thought of staying here that long kind of makes me wanna die😭

because thats the thing too and my final point, i honestly dont need the money. im 100% fine financially where i am rn. i have enough that i can pay my bills and put a lot in savings and buy my fun treats and whatever and i literally never ever worry about money this is the most money ive had in my life ive saved up quite a bit too. even if i just quit my job rn i would be good for like at least six months probably more. but i rly love being in this position financially lol. like im literally just like i love money yes i want more money thats the only thing making me want to stay

so i guess after typing all that out i can confidently say i dont like this job at all i just love money. im earning a lot already but i could be earning even more if i take the promotion but i AM losing my mind and kind of dont even want to work here at all anymore. i honestly dont know whats worth it i know all work is soul sucking and miserable so like should i just be grateful for what i have?? and what im being offered??

what i rly actually want to do is become a tattoo artist. i think i would be a lot happier and freer but my income would be a lot more uncertain as well which im very scared of like idk i havent been like tight on money and struggling in so long i dont want to give it up like ive been running like this so long idk how to stop. i rly dont know what to do

[damnedrainbows]

not doing good, bad day for autism. rant below of an autistic woman who’s made this iteration of a rant probsbly far too many times

you know I often advocate for myself and my community, get pissed when I hear shit like ‘curing autism’, embracing my own autism, but most of the time I realize if someone offered me a cure I’d take it. And I don’t even care that that would erase who I am as a person because I’ve come to find out that so much of me is because of my autism, maybe it’s the lesser of two evils

because maybe earlier if I recognized things better maybe I would have seen my brother was getting distressed when we were playing around and he said to stop. thing is the kid does that all the time, playfully saying stop and then getting annoyed when you listen cause he was joking. But no, he was actually upset and according to my family “I should have recognized the tone was different”

maybe when my gf started venting I would have acknowledged that they were just looking to vent and weren’t wanting my rigid solutions

and maybe I could still stare at my art without my eyes feeling like it’ll catch fire because I can’t…look at light that long anymore!

you know I make all these jokes and post funny things with me and gb where I say things without thinking it through and it can be hilarious, but most of the time it’s just. GUTTING. a reminder that no matter how much I”ve studied human behavior since childhood to avoid shit like this, it’ll just keep happening, and it’s not as endearing as I wish it could be, because people just get sick of it

I know I’ve probably bored my friends to tears with the different but same plot of ‘character learning they’re autistic’ because I do that plot so much or something related to autism because it’s my cope lmao I get to act out how I wish most people treated me, I get to resolve trauma with character that were mistreat3d because of it. it’s a plot that I’ll never get tired of doing because I need it

and then on top of everything, my tablet pen, one that is no longer made because they don’t make my tablet anymore, is GONE. I don’t know where, I just had it. And I mean, JUST had it. I’ve been drawing with it all day. I set it down, I don’t know where, and it’s gone!

and all this when I’m already nervous as fuck for my hair appointment tomorrow. you want to know why? scared of the hair dryer. what kind of pathetic pussy…cries at having their hair dried? I never liked grooming growing up, and itks why I never brush my hair, but who the fuck cries at a hair dryer, I haven’t had my hair dried by one of those since my sensitivity worsened. I don’t want to imagine the hell. and of course the appointment is made in the evening as her last client because I can’t be trusted to you know be normal

AND THEN I GET REPRIMANDED FOR NOT HELPING WITH THE FUCKING TV REMOTE THATS BROKEN WHEN IM HAVING A MELT DOWN “could you not sit down with me and show me for a few minutes?” NO I CANT BECAUSE I JUST SPENT THEPAST FIFTEEN MINUTES SLAMMING MY HEAD IN THE SHOWER

im not good it’s just not good. i want my fucking tablet pen i want to be normal. i want to…i cant even say what i want to do without having people worried for my safety. i just.

i can’t deal with being me much longer

[thesweetestdevotion]

for the blogs that do too much i honestly eventually get the ick and end up feeling like the reader is just being deluded and or unfollow them especially if they cannot take critique well or if u even ask some to maybe be less gross they always take it personally and act like its not effing weird to need to know if someone is a panty sniffer. im sorry its gross and disgusting yes a "reader" actually asked that about a group of mainly young idols in the skz tarot tag its now the first ones to pop up and i cant find genuinely normal readings on them anymore :( sighhhh.

That’s why i refuse to do readings for idols that are too young, to be honest i even hesitated to do Ni-ki when i first started because he’s just 18. I think what we’re doing here is already sort of intrusive in many ways, so it is good to have boundaries for subjects of more sensitive matters, you know? Why would I go fishing for specific and, frankly, grotesque topics such as those. I’ve gotten many before and i usually delete and ignore, but that cheating one was the last straw on the camels back lol i was fed up 😭 its like people want so badly for bad and controversial things to happen, do they yearn for the drama? Or some sense of superiority? Idk. It’s so annoying. And when a celebrity does a bad thing people use it as some sort of gotcha moment or cheap gossip as if peoples lives aren’t negatively affected by such behavior. Unrelated to K-pop, but I’ve seen it a lot with the D/iddy case and it irksss me to the depths of my soul. I’ve seen some other blogs on here which can get very, very strange and intense. I think it’s a bid for attention or some sense of power. which i hate because tarot is a spiritual practice which i take very seriously, even when doing casual fun readings. But whatever, you can only control what you react to not what people do, so I say if it makes anyone uncomfortable that they should steer clear from any of that content, this literally includes my content/this blog as well!

Thanks for this ask btw!!

[privatelife]

not to be too online this is gonna read so embarrassing but my sibling wasnt available so i cant talk to them abt it lol

but ive been in a terrible mood all day bc sometimes RARELY i try to interact with my moots on various websites just little comments here and there. i dont do it nearly enough im very isolated in life and online but if i feel the need, i like to just say a couple words, yknow, human interaction. like if we follow each other i figure it's cool to engage in small ways ? anyway a twitter mutual hornyposted abt d*vid h*ward thr*nton and i thought it was funny and agreeable so i replied "REAL" i didnt think anything of it. i wouldnt have even given it a second thought if she ignored it entirely i was literally just taking a break from work scrolling twitter whatever not serious. but she responded almost immediately "i dont share..." and that was it. so then ive felt all day like i did something stupid and wrong lmao I KNOW IT'S SO UNSERIOUS she couldve been joking for all i know. but we've interacted maybe once before so i cant even tell. i kinda dont think she was joking tho 😭

if i may psychoanalyze myself for a second i think this tiny interaction triggered my rejection sensitive dysphoria real bad cause it like reinforced my idea that there's just something inherently wrong and unlikable abt me and that i shouldnt even bother interacting with other ppl. im at a point where i dont really believe that so much anymore but i still would like to feel "accepted" by cool ppl with similar interests to mine someday lol. i have one (1) real friend now and that's positively effected my view of myself immensely BUT we don't share a lot of the same interests so it's like, i can talk all day long abt certain things that are important to me and they'll gladly listen, but they don't get it the way others might. and vice versa! i love them dearly and wouldnt trade them for the world but i do at the same time wish i had Other friends who are into idk. horror movies, b movies, the music i like etc. you know. i think that's a perfectly normal thing to long for 😭 it seems like every time i reach out for that it never ever works in my favor :( ive mostly accepted im a weirdo with weirdo interests nobody gets me im too cool whatever blah fart sound... but why cant we all be weirdos TOGETHER. wheres the CAMARADERIE

i suppose a therapist would say keep trying! you're doing great! but oof it just really left my brain in tatters for the day. over something so dumb !!!! stupid and dumb !!! anyway at the end of the day i still can, should, must, and will fuck the clown man.

[luvrbunni]

See, I was intending to keep it all inside by making you cockwarm for me, but maybe we do both~? I could fingerfuck you, making sure none of my cum goes to waste, until you're a writhing mess. Until you're begging, saying you can't take anymore. Until you've cum so much that you actually pass out.

Then, I can flip you onto your side. Lifting your leg ever so slightly, I can slide my cock back inside you to plug you up. I'll snuggle in real close to you while you sleep, grinding against you until I doze off too. You'll have to make sure to stay still if you wake up first, though. Don't want a drop to spill out until I say so, right? Be a good, obedient little bun, and I might just give you one last load once I'm up... or just start back up again in full force.

- 🤭

i think i might be kind of obsessed with this i cant stop thinking about getting fucked full of cum going round after round till im a whiny mess... and then.. keeping your cock inside me, plugging me up so we dont waste a drop... almost like trying to knot me...

i think id struggle tbh. you have no idea how stupidly sensitive i am. waking up to feel you still inside me, i dont think i could help myself. id push myself down on it, trying to feel some kind of friction but to no avail. Id be clumsy, id wake you. you probably wouldn't be too happy about that, maybe pinning my wrists down, getting me to a point where im close to cumming again but stopping in time, edging me till im crying.. begging for it like some pathetic slut..

[hevhabibi]

going to school really does say something about a person and maybe im lazy maybe im soo weak willed and i give up easily but like. how do you not get tired of school? i live in the philippines and i dont know the situation in other countries and ill be called woke for this but there is so much bigotry that happens inside a classroom i cant take that shit anymore. for every decent teacher you have an ignorant one. and look obviously i fucking know you cant just blame them because this is bigger than the employees, its the whole system

im so damn tired of dancing and roleplaying and making short films and singing and broadcasting and YES THATS HIGH SCHOOL IN THE PHILIPPINES you could mistake it for a fucking got talent episode. are we raising popstars and news reporters???????? its outrageous. its like weve caught the dancing plague. every building has students practicing choreography for whatever reason for whatever subject. AND WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS! I FEEL LIKE FRANK HEFFLEY!!! this is an ACTUAL problem. when i was in 8th grade we had to pick between roleplaying, singing, making poems and talkshows about HISTORY TOPICS after WATCHING INCREDIBLY WATERED DOWN YOUTUBE VIDEOS NARRATED BY A MOVING BITMOJI at SIX IN THE FUCKING MORNING i was always late i always spawned in the middle of the chaos where my classmates were hurrying to finish said tasks under a limited amount of time. i dont want to take away the good because while our education system is ludicrously comical it would be straight up wrong to claim that you dont learn anything. its impossible not to learn at least one thing when you spend so much time inside a classroom you basically live in it hahaha oh my god dont even get me started on the whack ass schedule

math is the only safe subject. i wanna say. but i remember having to make a song about parallel lines or some shit LIKE OMFG IM NOT WAKING UP EVERYDAY, GETTING INTO MY SCHOOL UNIFORM EVERYDAY (no duh i actually dont do this anymore just occasionally), ATTENDING SCHOOL EVERYDAY TO GET BETTER AT SINGING OR TAP DANCING AND HOSTING FUCKING TALKSHOWS AND ACTING. NO!!! I WANT NON BIGOTED TEACHERS WHO CARE ABOUT THE STUDENTS. I WANT SOMETHING GENUINE so clearly i can see how nothing in this system is authentic and it actually hurts believe it or not because im more or less forced to participate if i want to avoid negative consequences

you incorporate contemporary issues into students learning materials and thats great! thats amazing! finally were being taught to be aware, politically, socially, economically! but did you check who would be delivering the topic? no no you didnt. you talk about racism and in the same breath you say abraham lincoln ended it. YUP!!! NEWS FLASH!!! did you know racism no longer existed? source: my transphobic history teacher who, while talking about gender issues, made fun of the only transgender student in our class IT WENT ON UNNECESSARILY LONG told her to stand up and all 😂 apparently we dont have to worry about racism no more because baberaham lincoln put a stop to it some decades ago. im too sensitive and this genuinely made me want to walk out. first few weeks too. dude this is just the tip of the iceberg

there are so many good things about school still but im not as strong as other teenagers my age im admittedly weak willed and every little demented thing i notice makes me lose the drive for education and im suicidal and not everyone will get it. also the classrooms are hot as fuck and crowded as fuck it is actual purgatory. i feel sorry for us. im kinda happy im a pussy it makes it easier to skip school and put minimal to no effort. all my marks used to be 90 and above too, even during 9th grade, which was just last year. was i any smarter then? no but i was more ,,resilient,, my wrists took slits but its okay

[onmymasa22]

Her correcting u just means she doesnt have adhd. She just doesnt understand it. She doesnt know what its really like. She doesnt know how badly it feels to have adhd. Cuz im speaking from experience and ur not.

Man i can understand why u guys aren't married. I dont even like being arund u and im not looking to sleep with u. Talk about a guy who is.

Ur so busy? Please. Tell me about it. Because im busy getting two degrees in a foreign language, while working with old people with mental illness, working on creating an art exhibit in a few months, im just

Graphite brown- desert colors

Or good dirt colors

Charcoal- black

Charcoal brown

Grafite

Oil pastels

Charcoal

Watercolor paper

Ink

Silk painting

Sag sun

Taurus moon

Leo risinh

My new perspective:

Mashiach will come and ill live forever so really 27 is a blip.

Is there something wrong with me that i dont see sleeping around and getting guys off as something enticing. Like i feel like even if i wasnt religious im not numb. Theres a lack of sensitivity to bodies and who gets to be around them. Theres a cockiness.

I am an artist. That means i love vintage pieces

Im lucky to be alive

I like my bright red coat

Tell me u have adhd without saying u have adhd:

Mad sensory issues. Ive always had issues with the way things feel, but lately ive just been accepted all my sensory quirkiness. Skirts have become uncomfortable so ive into dresses with pants that have an elastic top. So it looks like i got dressed but the clothes feel more like pajamas and can be looser. I have a certain toothpaste but they stopped selling it so i went to three stores trying to find a toothpaste i could tolerate. Sucked it up that mine just isnt a thing anymore, bought toothpaste, tried it to see if the taste and texture would bother me and it turns out i kind of like it more maybe. It's creamier if that makes sense. Sensory issues mean i cant wear belts, its just too restricting. And i want

I have different modes. I have a mode when im on. When im funny and crazy and wild and will do anything to make the people around me laugh. I will make a fool of myself and be a complete goofball. Thats when im on. When im off, i dont need to be the funniest person in the room. I dont need to be loud. I dont need to make people laugh. I just need to make ppl feel seen and heard. I listen. Im sensitive to things and gentle in the way i ask questions. I receive information and just in the moment.

Eat a good amount of food

Can we just take a second: i love my mom, but when i was growing up, my grandmother told me about bras and periods. And i had an obsession about bracess.

Ok. This is me accepting the fact that a big part of my paycheck will go to art supplies. Thats it. As an artist i need to make pretty things and the materials fpr those pretty things require going to a claustrophobic shop amd buying overpriced tziyud because thats life. Breathe in. Breathe out. Accept it and move on. You'll be happy woth it when u see all the pretty stuff ull make. For now, just hand the devil ur credit card.

When ur last pair of boots were broken in by a friend and ur wore them for five years until they fell apart. And now ur wearing new boots amd trying to break them in

[borntoloveforcedtoyearn]

a letter ; POV to my future ex best friend

I don't know why im so obsessed with you and why the thought of you feeling the same way as I do make my face warm and my chest tighten

it makes my body relax and I want to be held by you the body you hate which is just a vessel feels so comfortable and im like a crooked puzzle piece trying to fit in your arms

you hate when I touch you but you're there when I collapse why do I feel any act of kindness is desire?

why can't I regulate myself and understand that there's something wrong with me

you make yourself seem like nobody in my life you could fix me if you wanted to we have so much fun together but I am not the one for you so ill imagine the fake life we have and just write a song about it ill say im writing from the perspective of unrequited love

but all my love is unrequited I ask for too much and I give too much and I still want more

and im inconsistent and you think its crazy and that im sensitive and me talking about my devastating past makes your heart hurt

because I just wish I met you a long time ago then I could have had a chance

but everything happens for a reason and im being greedy, im reading signs in the way I want to see them I can't help to feel validated by you

-------

I want to be held so tenderly by you, I can tell that you know all the right things to say all the right places to touch the right times to guide me you're such a romantic

the sensual energy you exude is so intense and its so overwhelming when you talk about her and I wish it was me living in your chest and you could crack open mine and find your place in there

the more you stare at me the more I realize you stare into my soul and make me think about the daily decisions I make of being appropriate and keeping the peace

instead of screaming at your face "why can't you just choose to love me instead of them?"

but we cant be friends to lovers, im not a teenager and nothing is that simple anymore and I am too close already on the path to heartbreak

you already told me one day it'll be over and we won't be talking on daily anymore you already shattered my heart

and even though I know that you do love me, and you're going to stop talking to me everyday eventually I still choose to fantasize about the way things could be and being friends with tension forever even if its just on my end

because at least you're still around

------

I went too far and I romanticized my life too deeply with you assuming you'd stay but no one ever stays as a long I want them too but I don't blame you

you have your own life and one day you'll have your own partner but I can always look back fondly think of all those times i was about to feel your secret touch

your stingy affection, your uncomfortable embrace that loosens when I wrap my arms around you and breath out

our energy exchanges and for a second you can feel my chest against yours and maybe even our heartbeats are the same bpm for a second in time and I stare at the side of your neck and face holding back the urge to put my lips on your skin and softy whisper in your ear a small thing that makes you smile

i don't exist In your mind the way you take up space in mine

[readymades2002]

.

i wanna start fucking sobbing i need to get the fuck out of this apartment i cant live here anymore. i cant do anything on my days off because she's always fucking here. i woke up too late today and she was already coming home and she saw me trying to figure out the sewing machine and immediately came over and started messing with it over my shoulder. sees me with my headphones in trying to do anything and waits for me to see her wanting to talk and then she just wastes all my fucking time telling me about our shared workplace which im already trying to spend my single day off trying not to think about and when she's not she's telling me about some vlogger's dying dog and its like im sorry but i dont care i dont FUCKING care i dont want to hear this i dont care i dont care i dont care. every second im in here she's watching something with no headphones or taking up all the space in the only room there's any room to do anything or bothering me with things that i don't care about. i go to my room and i can't keep her out because it's her room too and she takes over every shared space here and there's no room for me to just be alone. i have a really goddamn bad week at work ahead of me and im just trying to rest and relax but i can't as long as she's here so i'm busy ruining my stupid fucking knee walking around for hours in 100+ degree weather because as miserable as it is anything is better than being here. she keeps telling me people at work are asking her if she's okay because she isn't talking as much and she mentioned she thinks she talks too much and i can't say people love talking to her and want to be around her (the truth) because i know she thinks this because she notices that i don't want to talk to her or rather i am sick of her talking at me. and she has noticed this correctly and is projecting it onto everyone else. but she also WON'T tell anyone else about it she won't confide in anyone else she won't get a hobby she won't go anywhere she won't do anything she just wants to sit here and do nothing and tell me all about it and i'm fucking sick of it. i can't tell her any of this because trying to talk to her honestly and openly means she will start deflecting and justifying it all and saying she's not doing anything and i'm just too sensitive and it makes me physically sick talking to her about anything at all. and i'm trying to find a way to move out and i just missed an opportunity on a really convenient apartment by a few days and i want to start screaming because i don't know how to navigate this shit on my own but i do not want to ask her for help, i am sick to fucking death of her sitting there hovering trying to live my life for me i dont care maybe ill feel different if we're not stuck in the same space 24/7 but i just want her to get out of my life, i dont care anymore, i dont care, i just want to be alone and i fucking can't i don't want to be here anymore im sick im tired im exhausted i cant do ANYTHING i cant live i cant have anyone over i cant do shit because she's always fucking there watching and judging and hovering and micromanaging and trying to consume and analyze and obsess over every little fucking thing i do im coming off of two suicide attempts last week and a bad cutting relapse and nothing has changed i can't fucking do this anymore. i can't. i need to get out of here. i need to get out of here. i need to just get the fuck out of here. fuck

[tbd99]

entry: 11

I'm tired of feeding into my own sadness.

At what point can you truly say you're truly depressed, and not forcing yourself to say there? I feel that if I really tried, I could escape this emptiness that has been following me my whole life. I actually have tried that lately. I tried doing something that I loved... but I just couldn't. I got frustrated each and every day I tried making a change for the better. I just hope that one warm summer day, it'll all go away, and I'll finally feel happy. I don't even know what day it is, that's the kind of loop I'm living in. It's 2:50 am on some random day in the year, and that's all I know. I don't go outside anymore, and the reason for it is cowardly. I'm scared of the people, and their eyes. If I can't even try and be happy, why am I still here? If it takes to much of me to even do the littlest things. My mother has told me to do the same things for the past 3 days. Unload the dishwasher, clean the living room, and clean the bathroom. 3 small tasks normal people do everyday. But I'm not normal. I'm lazy. I'm a lazy person who can't do anything right. Mother doesn't say that but I know she thinks it. When I ask her to make me food because I'm hungry I know she looks at me like I'm a helpless child. but that's not true. i don't need anyone. i never have. i don't need anyone to try and fix me either. i begged my mother to take me to therapy and well... even the therapist said I wasn't depressed and to go on more walks. that's what the problem was. i was upset at first, no one could see how bad I was , but now that I think about it, I really was fine. even now, I am. people think about this kind of thing all the time. people think about suicide. people cut themselves. im no different. people just get over it faster than I do. I tried to look for pills in my mother's pill cabinet last night. or well-- a few weeks ago maybe?? my memory is really bad. she had nothing but allergy pills, but I could only look for like.. 4 minutes, until my sister came knocking at my door. it was scrambling to put the pills back in the cabinet, and I don't even know where this rant is going. i just think im ready to try again. that's my point. im not even spelling things properly or putting stuff in coherent sentences, and frankly, I don't care. someone I know is having a birthday party, and it would be a good way to say goodbye to all my friends. i normally try and do this each time I attempt. they've had to put up with me for so long, I feel as if I owe them a goodbye.

i wasnt going to go because ive been looking and feeling like total shit. i mean you cant look at me but if you did I look seriously awful. my skin is all grey, and my eyes are all dull. i haven't been speaking much, and honestly. i don't know how my mother doesn't know whats going on.. I've been starting to suspect for a while she knows, but doesn't really care to help. I've felt like this for so long, there's no way no one can understand me. I'm the youngest in my whole family by like... a whole decade. sometimes, I feel like some monkey in a cage. no one takes me seriously, and they all just disregard my actions as me being a teenager. which I get. I'm a pretty angst teen. but.. I've always been this way. I feel like the people in my family understand me, because they've been a teen before, but they're so detached from this feeling. sometimes, I wonder if anyone in my family has felt the things I've felt before. i don't think I'm sensitive, but, when you make a whole tumblr blog just to rant your feelings..... its sure starting to work that way. going back to that birthday party thing, I was thinking of going. but.. i hate the act I have to put on whenever I see my friends. I'm a very bleak and monotone person, but if my friends ever heard someone describe me that way, they wouldn't believe it. i put on this show whenever I'm around people, so they don't worry about me. I've been doing it my whole life. i don't know why I do it, it just makes me feel better if others don't know the rotting going on in my mind. i really don't feel good enough, but I guess ill stop ranting. sorry this was so rambly.

[ghost-of-the-machine]

i know i just said im not ashamed but im SO ASHAMED you have no idea. over what? it

i have this weird mindset where like. if someone gets to know me for one particular things, whether it be a specific fandom or even just DRAWING HUMANS, i feel like i can never ever share my other interests with them cuz.. what if they dont care? i wouldnt blame them i cant make anyone give a shit about what i do but. ITS TERRIFYING TO ME.. so i just avoid it but. its leaving me very.. unfulfilled? like HORRIBLY, ive set aside a lot of my other interests because im . i dont care what strangers think, fuck you suck my dick but. people i know? people im close with? i know why i do it, hes right it feels like a test and tests can go wrong!!!! what if i test the waters and its not received positively? i cant bear the thought of any part of me being unappealing to my loved ones, genuinely it keeps me up at night fearing that some small thing might just switch it all off overnight its the worst thing ever.

i know its not healthy to just... shove myself into this little box but in my head, thats why they want! in my head its a good thing, i need to keep myself presentable and perfect, as perfect as someone like me can get anyways

maybe thats why i feel like i dont exist without them? ive literally pushed away anything i think they WONT like or even wont care about, ive just.. dropped it all. fear, it just comes from fear, but whew!!!!! exhausting

im not proud of this, i wish that changing myself to fit what i THINK someone wants wouldnt come so naturally to me but it does, i wish my brain worked differently

i just. i need to LOOK OUT for myself. the worst pain i can experience is rejection, its amplified 10000% it feels like. i know ive said before id rather relive all my trauma than feel rejected at all, and thats still TRUE i cant handle it.. as unfortunate as it is, bpd just makes me sensitive. theres like no other way to word it, i am SENSITIVE my skin is fragile its made of glass, i cant take criticism even if its GOOD because it hurts me to think that something i did wasnt good enough, it makes me sick actually!! i need to protect myself, i need to hide the parts of me that could be damaged like that but.. hiding parts of yrself doesnt feel good, does it? im scared of that pain, i dont want to face it.. but it doesnt feel nice to lose myself cuz i think its what someone would want

in my head this is how it goes, i do something, its received poorly (rejected), ouch!!! first of all. second of all, rejection cracks my image, it opens me up to the possibility of being left behind. bpd is all about black and white thinking. the good is the best and the bad is the WORST. it feels shameful to admit how my brain works but it . its true, its the truth. if someone doesnt like something about me, even if its SMALL and they dont actually care, in my head it means they basically dont like me, they must hate me! they must hate me and theyre probably gonna leave me since theyre so disgusted with me for.. what? being a furry? yes!!!!!!!!!! it goes from 0-100 so fast, its scary

but.. i really DONT feel like i exist without them. if im not talking with them about our things, im working on my things they know and like alright im never really doing anything else anymore.. like. why am i so ashamed to just... be a human with interests? im scared, scared the smallest thing will just... take it all away from me, yknow? as much as id LOVE to ramble about my ocs and stuff that ive never really talked about, that shame persists. its too strong, i end up just deleting the post or hiding it in drafts, i cant bring myself to share because im scared

i know its really dumb but. its what we're working with rn!!!! mild disinterest = rejection = abandonment, what a vicious cycle!!! i get it now guys omg.... all the bpd girlies who mirror, i know i mirror too but i never really like. GOT IT until now, i mirror cuz im afraid to be something they wont like!!!! it is all so clear to me now. doesnt make it better but whatever. maybe ill be brave one day, but idk

[baaabyyyd]

Where do I start... maybe where I find myself having my days when I think I want to turn cold . When I think I want to be mean . When I think I want to be nonchalant .. until I realize that what I am is exactly what the world needs . My loyalty, how much I care, how sensitive I am, how soft I tend to be, how soft and quiet I speak, etc . How im not big fan of breaking hearts or wanting to control the minds of others . When I catch myself wanting to be someone im not because the people outside of me can sometimes be mean and cruel, I end up hurting myself because choosing love is whats better for me . Just because everyone else is loud and aggressive does not mean I have to be . Just because everyone is always in defense mode does not mean its something I did wrong . Understanding that sometimes, I misunderstand things, understand that its just other people with their own battles that they refuse to go in and face themselves, so they take it out on other people . Understanding that its okay to embrace my feelings . Even when I feel like my heart cant take it anymore, I feel all of my emotions fully without shame . Im allowed to feel a way, im allowed to try and try again, im allowed to express how I feel . Its not wrong to tell people when they hurt me . I deserve to express myself, I deserve to let it all out, its okay for me to cry just like you, it is fiiiine . Its my first time on Earth, just like it is yours . There are no rules, we are all just trying to figure out whats best for us, what makes us the happiest, what makes us feel loved the most and thats how it should be . Explore .. the world, touch your body, it is youuuurs . Its not nasty, that does not make you dirty . lose your mind to find YOUR mind . Protect your body, protect your energy, protect your health .

If they stop talking to you, get off the phone and do something for yourself . If it brings you peace, do it . If you have to cry, cry and cry until your heart feels lighter . Be with someone who makes you feel like its okay to be sensitive and emotional . Its okay to open up, its okay to scream for no reason, everything is okay . Do everything for you, with good and genuine intentions .. thats my key rn . My key to figuring it all out . Do right on your end and you good .

[littlelambdrgnfly]

Ok since you reblogged that one post I hope you know I reread The Sum of Them for the 3rd time, maybe like a month ago, up until the last chapter and i never finished it cause i didnt want to experience it ending again (if that makes sense), i wish it never ended. I wish they could play baby games forever but its so important it does end because the ending is soo beautiful but so devastating, and it's beautiful because its so devastating, and my heart cant take experiencing that again :'-(

i already sent a message on here saying that your fic was the first fic to make me cry, possibly the first piece of LITERATURE in general to make me cry (i could be wrong but i cant remember any piece before that), and it made me cry 2 times when reading it for the first time. It is truly my favorite piece of McLennon fanfiction, but the only reason i dont fully consider it mine is that if someone were to ask me, it'd be too taboo/freaky to say but its truly one of the most heartfelt and complex ways ive ever seen anyone portray John and Paul while also feeling completely accurate and realistic. My god. And i love so many of your other fics too but The Sum of Them really means so much to me and I cant even say that enough. i wish you could just live as me and be inside my mind to fully grasp how much of an affect it had on me, I dont think i will ever be able to explain it sadly </3. But just know out of every McLennon fic ive ever read (and ive read many), THAT one is my very favorite out of like 100+. The way you characterize them is just so completely different from any other fic ive read and its so intimate and raw and holy shit i dont even have the words. Sorry i know im rambling at this point but I just think about it a lot! Also your fics are the only fics i enjoy anymore, (recent) beatles fics have gone down the drain in my opinion and yours are the only ones i can be satisfied with because, as far as im concerned, anything you write is automatically in-character for them after reading The Sum of Them lol x) thank you so SO much for writing cause it's truly exposed so many of my own desires and hidden , sensitive parts of myself that couldn't be excavated any other way without your work 💖

Dude... this is legitimately one of the best comments I've ever gotten. I wish I could memorize all of this and replay it for myself whenever I'm feeling blue. Thank you so so much, it means the world to me! I think all writers insert their own thoughts and emotions into their work, and I definitely do that in all of mine, but especially The Sum of Them. This fic is basically my wishlist of things I would do with a partner, as well as coming to better terms with my own kinks, so I'm glad it's been able to resonate with people. I'm also glad that I managed to keep John and Paul in character, even if John is crying every other paragraph lmao! I totally get what you're saying about wishing I could experience what you did, I wish I could too. Sometimes I reread my fics with the mindset of someone reading it for the first time, but it's just not the same. I'd give my left tit for more writers on my level or higher who wrote bottom!John or even ABDL fics, I swear. I don't read a lot of fics these days, but I'm usually disappointed whenever I check the Beatles tab. I'm also really really bad at remembering titles and author names, so I never remember what fics that I like! Thank God for bookmarks. I definitely understand not wanting to tell people that this is your favorite fic though, lol! I've been writing Beatles fics for a long time, but I created a new account on AO3 when I started writing these fics. I'm comfortable talking about this stuff, but only with the help of an alternate profile. I'm really really happy to help people explore this side of themselves though-- too often fics like mine are just really gross over-the-top and completely unrealistic portrayals in my opinion, and I guess I wanted to bring something sweeter and more realistic to the table. <3