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cynicalone94 · 1 year ago

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I'm Not As Stupid As You Think I Am

“Jay I appreciate your concern.” Hollis says. “Really I do. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done since my Reggie died. But it’s not what you think.”

“Really?” Jay asks, leaning in with narrowed eyes and a raised eyebrow. “Because that’s not what it looks like from where I’m standing. Someone is threatening you, Hollis. I can help.”

“No, no.” she says, shaking her head. “You can’t. Because there’s nothing for you to help me with right now.”

He sighs.

Something is wrong. He knows it but if Hollis won’t talk to him it makes it a lot harder for him to help.

Harder but not impossible.

Reminding her that she can call him any time, he reluctantly turns and leaves. An hour later, he pulls onto the road behind her as she leaves, carefully remaining far enough back to hopefully stay out of sight.

When Hollis pulls into the parking lot of a long closed down grocery store, any remaining doubt that the woman is in trouble is dispelled. He parks down the block and then creeps closer on foot.

He finds a spot behind a power box where he’s close enough to see Hollis standing next to her car and talking to two men.

But he can’t quite hear what they’re talking about and he glances around, wondering if he can get closer without being seen.

Then he hears footsteps behind him and turns to see two men, guns in hand, approaching him from behind.

“Well look who we have here.” one of the men says. “Darrel, it looks like you were right.”

“I always am.” the other man says, shaking his head and then calling past Jay. “Hollis, babe, I thought I told you to come alone.”

“I did.” Hollis cries. “I didn’t bring him here, I swear.”

“Well it’s a good thing I’m not as stupid as you think I am.” Darrel says. “Get up, you asshole.”

Jay slowly rises to his feet, keeping his hands raised to mid torso.

“She didn’t bring me.” he says calmly. “I thought something was wrong so I followed her.”

“Well that’s really too bad, ain’t it?” Darrel asks. “Because this isn’t any of your business.”

“I just wanted to see if I could help.” Jay says as he’s shoved toward the cars.

“Then wait until you’re asked next time.” another man snaps.

“No need to get angry Terry.” Darrel says. “Perhaps our new friend is a stroke of luck seeing as Miss. Davenroe is a couple thousand dollars short.”

“I don’t have all of it yet.” Hollis says, tears streaming down her face. “I just need a little more time but I brought you what I could.”

“Two thousand dollars.” Darrel scoffs. “When you owe me fifteen thousand.”

What had Hollis gotten into that she owed this man fifteen grand? He doesn’t recognize Darrel but he recognizes his type, a loan shark.

“Maybe it is lucky that I’m here.” Jay says. “I can get you the other thirteen grand.”

He can get funds authorized to make a drop so that they can take this guy down.

“He must be a pretty good friend.” Darrel tells Hollis. “Offering up that much money to help you out.”

Then he turns to Jay.

“You sure you want to lend this bitch that kind of dough?” he asks with a grin. “She doesn’t have a good track record of paying her loans back. I’ve been trying to get my money back for over a year and there’s always another excuse.”

“She’s a friend.” Jay says, shaking his head. “Whatever I can to help her out. I’ll just need a couple hours to get my hands on the cash.”

“Oh yeah, like I’m going to let you just wander away.” Darrel scoffs. “I don’t even know who you are.”

“Ryan Clarke.” Jay says, grateful that he keeps his undercover ID in the front of his wallet.

Any situation that calls for his actual ID is suitable for the other to be seen first. Safe enough to be able to verify the validity if necessary.

But he doesn’t reach for his wallet yet, not wanting to set the men off with sudden movement.

“I need to do more than verify a driver’s license.” Darrel says. “You’re staying where I can keep my eyes on you.”

“Then how the hell am I supposed to get you the money?” Jay asks, rolling his eyes.

“There is someone here that I’ve had the chance to vet.” Darrel says, glancing over at Hollis. “Don’t think too much of her but I know she won’t dare double cross me, not again.”

Jay frowns, glaring at the man. But he isn’t finished yet.

“Not when she knows your life is on the line if she does.”

“No please.” Hollis begs. “I can stay here. You can kill me if he tries to screw you over.”

“You don’t call the shots around here.” Darrel snaps. “You have made stupid decision after stupid decision. It’s time for someone else to take control of things for you.”

“Just please don’t hurt him.” Hollis begs.

“It’s okay, Hollis.” Jay says.

This complicates things, makes it harder to coordinate getting the money and setting up the operation.

But not as hard as Darrel would hope.

None of this is about not knowing him. By making him give Hollis access to his accounts, it makes it harder for him to set up a plan.

It would work if he really was Ryan Clarke, a part time day laborer. But this isn’t Jay Halstead’s first rodeo.

“I- I need to give her my keys.” he says. “I have a safe deposit box where I keep some cash. I just need to call the bank to authorize her to access it.”

Darrel studies him for a moment before nodding.

Jay fishes his keys from his pocket and passes them over to Hollis. Then he makes a phone call.

“Hello.” he says before the other person can respond. “I need to authorize a friend to access my safe deposit box. I’m out of town and there’s something I need to have handled. I told her where I keep my spare key and everything, I just need you guys to let her in.”

“Absolutely.” the response is immediate. “Can you tell us the box number and the name on file?”

“129. Ryan Clarke.”

“And your authorization phrase, Mr. Clarke?”

“Windy City.”

“And what is your friend’s name?”

“Hollis Davenroe.”

“Thank you so much, Mr. Clarke. I’ll get that authorization on file and we’ll make sure your friend is taken care of when she stops by.”

“Thank you.”

He ends the call and then Darrel takes his phone.

“Tie his hands, Terry.” he orders.

Jay doesn’t fight back as Terry forces his arms behind his back, securing them with several wraps of duct tape.

Hollis is crying as he’s pushed toward the silver sedan parked next to her battered Ford. He’s annoyed but not really surprised when the trunk is popped rather than one of the doors being opened.

Darrel turns to Hollis.

“Get the money. And keep your phone on. I’ll let you know where to meet us.”

And then something crashes against his skull and he tumbles into the open trunk.

As he clings to consciousness, he hears the slam of the trunk.

And then he sinks into the abyss.

He wakes up slowly.

His head hurts but he still manages to sit up. He tries to bring his hand up to rub his temple and is brutally reminded that he’s restrained.

He tucks his head down, resting it against his chest.

“Terry wasn’t supposed to hit you.”

He looks up to see Darrel sitting on a couch, watching him.

“That gives me great comfort.” he groans.

“This is what happens when you interject yourself into a situation that you don’t belong in the middle of.” Darrel says.

“I’m just trying to help.” Jay whines. “I’m getting you your money.”

“Which I still think is stupid.” Darrel tells him. “And that raises the question; why the hell would you do that?”

“I’ve been trying to look after Hollis since her husband died.” Jay answers. “The way he was murdered… she needed someone.”

Maybe if he’d stayed in touch better than he has she wouldn’t have had to borrow money from a guy like Darrel.

“Well the dumb bitch hasn’t made it to the bank yet.” Darrel retorts, taking a drink of the beer in his hand.

“She’s scared.” Jay offers.

“Well she drug you into this mess.” Darrel snaps. “You’d think she would remember that the friend who’s lending her a shit ton of cash is waiting for her to come back.”

“Maybe she needs a reminder.”

Jay looks up to see Terry standing in the doorway.

“Haven’t you already done enough?” he growls.

“No, he’s right.” Darrel says, tilting his head. “It shouldn’t have taken this long. Maybe we need to remind her what happens if she doesn’t get the job done.”

Terry steps forward and Jay leans back.

“Not something you’re going to get out of.” Darrel says. “Take it like a man.”

A hard punch knocks him to the floor and then a flurry of kicks slam into his stomach and back.

He tries to twist, trying to find a way to protect himself from the attack but with his wrists bound behind his back there isn’t a lot that he can do.

The attack doesn’t last long.

Soon enough, Terry stops and then kneels next to him, unbuttoning his shirt and peeling it aside to reveal the darkening of his skin.

A raw scrape of something against his skin makes him look down and he sees blood welling over his stomach.

“That’s better.” Terry says, patting his cheek roughly.

“Face isn’t very bloody.” Darrel comments.

That’s all it takes for Terry to slam his fist into Jay’s face, breaking his nose.

“Alright.” Darrel says, holding up his phone. “That’s it.”

Ironically, it’s at that moment that the man’s phone goes off.

“And there she is.” the man snorts. “Let’s decide where to meet up and make the exchange, huh?”

It’s getting dark when Jay is pulled out of the trunk of the car in yet another abandoned lot.

Hollis is standing next to her car, a duffle bag at her feet and hands twisting anxiously.

Jay steps toward her and is shoved to his knees.

“Got the money?” Darrel calls.

“It’s all here.” she calls back. “Please. Let him go.”

“Bring it over.” he orders.

Hollis picks up the bag and walks over.

“Please.” she repeats. “It’s all here. You didn’t have to hurt him like that.”

“You didn’t have to take so damn long to pick it up.” he answers.

“It wasn’t easy at the bank.” she complains. “They had his authorization but I had to fill out a ton of paperwork, get a copy of my driver’s license, confirm his authorization phrase. I went as fast as I could.”

“Shut up.” Darrel snaps, picking up the bag as Terry stands behind Jay with the gun in his hand.

He sets the bag on the trunk and opens it to start counting the money. Suddenly shouts fill the air.

As his team swarms the lot, Jay sees Terry raise his gun toward Hollis and tackles the man.

It’s hard to fight with his hands bound but he’s got plenty of other weapons. He smashes his head against Terry’s, disorienting him and then twists to try to knee the gun out of his hand.

As he makes contact, the gun goes off and the bullet rips through his lower leg. Terry pushes up to his knees, reaching for his weapon but before he can get to it a gun is pressed up against his own head.

“Don’t move.” Hailey snarls and Jay lets himself drop back to the ground. “You okay, partner?”

“I’m fine.” he groans.

“Yeah…’ Hailey says, wasting a few seconds looking him over. “You don’t look fine.”

Terry and Darrel had eventually stopped the bleeding from his broken nose but they hadn’t made any effort to clean up the blood so he supposes that’s fair.

“Broken nose, gsw to the leg.” he reports. “Everything else is minor.”

“Alright.” Hailey agrees easily, cuffing Terry and then dragging him up to his feet and handing him off to a patrol officer before kneeling next to her partner.

With a swipe of her knife, his hands are free and he immediately grabs his leg.

“Fuck.” he curses.

“What the hell?” Darrel is cursing as he’s being searched and cuffed.

“Turns out I’m not as stupid as you think I am.” Jay jokes, throwing the man’s words back at him.

His only response is an enraged shout and Hailey shakes her head.

That’s when Hollis shows up on his other side.

“I’m so sorry, Jay.” she sobs. “I never meant for you to be involved in this.”

“I suck at minding my own business.” Jay says. “Jus’ ask Hailey.”

“He’s right.” his partner readily agrees. “So if you ever find yourself in trouble again, just let the idiot help you.”

Hollis laughs tearfully and lets a patrol officer lead her away. A paramedic joins them, prying Jay’s hands away from his leg.

Hailey takes her partner’s hand and he squeezes back.

“Thanks for having my back.”

“Always.” she promises him.

#whumptober 2023 #no.19 #i'm not as stupid as you think i am #Chicago PD #fic #loan shark #hostage #Jay Halstead

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what-even-is-thiss · 4 years ago

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I think that maybe people don’t understand what upper middle class is. People keep telling me that what I want is to just be regular middle class but like I grew up regular middle class.

Median income? That’s us. Both parents had a masters degree. Dad has a salary job. When mom was alive she worked at a community college.

I was very lucky. I’ve never wondered if I’d be able to eat tomorrow. I have though, worn shoes and jackets and jeans until they were filled with holes. Felt guilty even considering putting the good brand of milk in the cart. Growing up all I heard about was debt. Debt. Debt. We’re in so much debt. Credit card debt, mortgage on a house losing value, loan on our car bought used.

I had friends who I gave part of my lunch to on field trips when they couldn’t pay for it. I’ve also had upper middle class friends give me parts of their lunches because they could afford way better and more than me.

I’ve seen how these friends live. I’ve been to their houses and parties and cleaned their windows. None of their clothes have holes in them. They can have their hair professionally colored no problem. They don’t think before they buy a coffee. They do think before they buy a really nice coat. I mention financial problems, they don’t seem to get it. Their parents live in a house gaining value that will be paid off in a few years. They buy pre-sliced fruit. They do a good portion of their shopping at Whole Foods and save mart while my family just goes there maybe once every month or two to get one splurge item if we didn’t have any unexpected expenses.

These people aren’t living in the lap of luxury or anything. But they do seem a bit more relaxed than I am. They’re living in the sweet spot of life after money can buy happiness but before it becomes too much to manage. Less debt. One home. The ability to afford daycare and a car. To go out to a sit down dinner just because they feel like it. To buy new good jeans every few months.

The middle class is poorer than it used to be. Right now my friends in the richer neighborhoods that aren’t quite rich are where I would like to be. Where I would like my friends that I shared my lunch with to be too if that’s what they want.

#roman said a thing

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shinymooncolor · 5 years ago

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Heyy I LOVE THESE CHATS BABE C-Can we have more Cap + Re? Maybe some Dumo too?🥺❤️👉👈 Either way they're so much fun to read! You have such a beautiful creative mind! Love it!

HI! Of course - I was writing up this little bowl of fluff. :)

@lumosinlove‘s Sweater Weather wolfstar fluff featuring several of her lovely OC’s.

This is for @siriuslyqueer - I can’t fix everything but here’s a dose of fluffy shenanigans to help a little bit <3.

Sweater weather chats #7.

Kris has a blinddate. Remus has an emergency. And he gets a sugar daddy. Sirius babysits. Dumo tries to be sneaky. Logan tattles. Leo shows graphic images. Ava is adorable.

Enjoy <3

Friday 3.43 pm

Kris: Hey Re, I’m sorry this is last minute, but I’ve sort of gotten dragged into this blind date thing with Olli and I’ve run out babysitting options. I’d bail on the date but I’m honestly scared what Nado will do as I lost a bet…

Remus: Of course Kris, when do you need me to look after Ava? 😌

Kris: well it’s tomorrow night… they set it up for 8, so will try and rush it…

Remus: no it’s alright! She can stay. It’s no problem at all or do you want me to go to your house?

Kris: well, if she’s going to sleep on her own, it’ll be best at ours. I’ll promise to get back and let you go out and live your best kid free life! Haha 😅

Remus: I’d love to! Sirius wants to come too, is that ok?

Kris: haha of course, Ava loves him… It’s unfair..

Remus: he’s got that effect on everyone. it’s impossible not to like him. I’m biased. But still! Everybody loves Cap!

Kris: Thanks Re… and yeah, haha he’s a good one our cap 😉

��——

Saturday 4.22 pm

Mom: hi love, I’m so sorry to text this urgently but Jules crashed his bike and is in the hospital with a concussion. He’s inconsolable and asking for you. I know you’ve probably got plans but is there any chance you can fly out here? We’ll help pay for the ticket.

Remus: Of course!!! Is he okay? What happened? I’m looking at tickets now!!!

Mom: thanks love. Let me know ok? ❤️❤️❤️

———

Remus ❤️: Shit sorry!!! I have to get to home now!! Jules crashed on his bike and he’s got a concussion… I’m looking at tickets!! And I promised Kris we’d babysit… Fuck I feel so bad!!! 😫

Sirius <3: hey! What? Do you want me to come with you?

Remus ❤️: I’m sorry but I think it’s best if I go alone. Shit, I want you to come but. You’ve got that interview tomorrow and I don’t know how long I have to stay and there’s practice. I’ve cleared the next few days with the management team. You have practise!! Sorry 🥺❤️❤️

Sirius <3: that’s ok Re. No worries. I hope Jules will be alright. I know tickets are expensive and BEFORE you say no. Please let me pay ok? I just looked online and there’s only first class left. Just charge it to my card, it’s on the table in your kitchen I think.

Remus ❤️: absolutely not. I might call when he’s better so he can say hi. I bet that’ll help. I’m not charging it to your card.

Sirius <3: Re please. It’s not a problem and I want to help. How about it’s a loan?

Remus ❤️: I’m not going to owe you money. It’s fine. I’ve saved up some for emergencies.. I’m not taking charity

Sirius <3: awww. What if I was your sugar daddy? 😉 We could find a way for you to pay off your debts.

Remus ❤️:STOP! I’m not even going to think about this. But fine. I’ve charged your card. Better send a list of demands then. Daddy…

Sirius <3: 😛😛😛😛that’s hot. fuck.

———

Saturday 6.34 pm

Remus: Kris I’m so sorry but I’ve had a family emergency and have to fly home ASAP.

Kris: whoa are you alright? What happened, is everyone ok? It’s fine, I’ll cancel!

Remus: I’m so sorry!!!

Remus: Sirius says he’s happy to come over an babysit 😊

Kris: oh..

Kris: sorry yeah okay.. That’s fine.. Ava does love him!

Remus: You wound me krissy - you don’t think I can babysit your baby????🤨

Kris: what? Did you steal Re’s phone..

Remus: I’m driving him to the airport. Or he’s driving so I’m texting for him. I can babysit fine. I’ll come over once I’ve dropped off Re. We’re going to have fun!!!

Kris: thanks Sirius. It means a lot 😊

Remus: well you need to get some action. As your captain I command you to go out there and get some.

Kris: you sound like Nado.

Remus: normally that would scare me. But he’s not wrong. You deserve to be with someone okay? ☺️

Kris: thanks Cap! See you soon I guess :) Ava is excited to see you. She’s asking if you want to watch beauty and the beast with her.

Remus: TALE AS OLD AS TIMEEEE

Kris: see ya!

———

Saturday 7.21 pm

Kris: hey cap forgot a few things. 1) She can’t sleep with the purple bunny wearing a baby Kuny shirt. Yes I know. The jerk got it for her last time they baby sat and she’s screaming bloody murder when I try to replace with my shirt. 2) she can have the one pudding in the fridge, no more than one 3) she pretends not to know French when she’s shy but be careful, she’s fluent… tricked Nado last time and she knows some unsavoury words now..

Sirius: thanks buddy but I got this. Used to babysit for Dumo you know. She’s braiding my hair :))))

———

Saturday 7.22 pm

Dumo: Kris, you still need a babysitter? Adele can watch Ava tonight.

Kris: no it’s fine, thanks! Sirius is watching her at home 😊

Dumo: Cap is watching? Is Remus there?

Kris: no he had something come up. It’s just Sirius 😊

———

Saturday 7.25 pm

Dumo: LOGAN TREMBLAY PICK UP YOUR PHONE WHEN I CALL😡😡😡

Logan: WHOA calm down old man. What’s up? We’re watching a film…

Dumo: I need you to drive to mine and pick up some cupcakes and then go check on Sirius and Ava.

Logan: what? Re is there right?

Dumo: no. just do as I say for once…

Logan: calm down. I’ll go. Leo is driving. Is Adele home?

Dumo: yes. And please also check she’s not got “secret” guests. She was very eager to get us to leave. I count on you and Marc to tattle on her.

Logan: hehe I’ll check. And I’ll scare any potential suiters away. 😏

Dumo: maybe let Leo scare them. Most of the class mates are taller than you. I also called Kasey. Him and nat are checking in too.

Logan: 😬🤨rude

——

Saturday 8.22 pm

Sirius <3: REMUS THEY’RE ALL CHECKING ON ME?!?!?!?!? NAt and Kase came by to “borrow” a shovel?! THEY LIVE IN A FLAT... That’s the lamest excuse since Leo claimed that hickey on his belly button was from his shaver. He’s got like three body hairs. 😳

Saturday 9.02 pm

Sirius <3: Re, you landed yet? Now Logan and the rest of the muppets are here. With cupcakes. And a cranky car full of Dumo babies. NO ONE TRUSTS ME WITH BABIES

Remus ❤️: I’m sure they’re just checking to see if you’re all okay 😌Be happy your team cares so much.

Sirius <3: it mean. We had fun. Look she braided my hair

*sirius with braids by 5-year old Ava*

Sirius <3: I want to keep her. Can we get one?

Remus ❤️: SIRIUS. Do you want me to get a heart attack? We’re barely out.

Sirius <3: so. I want to keep her. Hehe

Remus ❤️:I think you hit your head. But yes. Grab her and run. We can live here 🥰

Sirius <3: 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘

——

Saturday 8.33 pm

Siriusly: YOU ALL THINK I CAN’T BABYSIT? WE WERE DOING FINE BEFORE YOU SENT THESE PEOPLE TO CHECK ON US

DumoDad: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

CarbO’Hara: haha you’re not subtle Dumo. Also you’ve got your own problems. HAHA

DumoDad: WHAT DID SHE DO NOW? I swear to god that girl is worse than the lot of you combined. 😡

Newt-leo: she was just studying with a classmate calm down. IF it helps, I showed them pictured from Celeste’s pregnancy book. Adele vowed to never talk to me again. But rules are rules. 😏

LoganTremblayzzz: I warned her Dumo. Hehe don’t worry Leo chased him off with the book. It’s overly graphic. 🥴🥴🥴🥴

Siriusly: BACK TO THE POINT YOU DON’T TRUST YOUR CAPTAIN!!! THAT’S SUICIDES FOR THE LOT OF YOU TOMORROW

RussianGod: what I do? 😦

Siriusly: you probably did something else to warrant suicides buddy.

——

Sunday 10.22 am

Kris: Hey Sirius! I’m really sorry about yesterday. Ava is asking when she can next see you :) Thanks!

Sirius: no worries buddy. But this doesn’t get you out of suicides. ❤️

Kris: worth a shot

Sirius: 😉 you are cute but you’ve got nothing on tour daughter. She’s a menace when she turns the puppy eyes.

Kris: tell me about it. She’s currently decorating Nado’s arms with glitter cause his tattoos “are too dark Jackie” - apparently she can call him that…

Sirius: she’s adorable 😊 you’re lucky, both of you!

Kris: thanks cap!!

——

Sunday 4.56 pm

Remus ❤️: hey babe. Jules is doing ok. You wanna call him? He’s asking for you 😍

Sirius <3: just call! 🥰

#sweaterweather #sweaterweatherchats #sweaterweatherchatsnr7 #lumosinlove #lumosinlove ocs

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nemodeutopia · 3 years ago

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This is basically a 1000-word essay, so I’ll put this up here, but do encourage you to read, especially if we disagree and someone sent this to you in a desperate gamble to make you understand.

TLDWR: capitalism does all the ooga-booga that people say socialism does anyway, and the failings are all exactly the same and happens regardless of what economic system you use. Call it what you want, but make living independently actually possible, and the village people will be much less likely to come at you with our fucking pitchforks you idiots.

The reason I believe minimum wage is insufficient and the rich would be fine if they were more heavily taxed:

A lot of these numbers have been simplified to make it easier to follow, but other than the hypothetical 10% tax, they are all roughly accurate to what I could find researching.

If my tax rate is 10% and I make $300 dollars a week, then that leaves me with $270 a week. Take out for groceries at an average of $50 I have $220. Assuming that I don’t have any prescriptions, or rent, or cable, or gas, or utilities, or really anything else considered mandatory for adulting, then that’s not bad, right? But, most people do have those other things, so that’s not so good. So, instead, we make cuts here and there, eat less healthy, decide we probably don’t need to go to the doctor for that pain, because maybe it isn’t something serious after all, and if it is serious, we may have to miss work, and then we may get fired.

If the rich have a tax rate of 10% and make 5,000 dollars a week that gives them 4,500. They would pay more a week in taxes then I make in a week. But they would still have plenty of money to live comfortably.

Rounding down on most things here, but average rent for America is ballpark $1000 a month, mortgage rates I found reported around the same. And that is of course assuming that you qualify. Bear in mind that apartments can require that you make, for example, double the cost of living there as a security measure, and banks will turn you down if they believe your income is too low for a loan. Phone $100. Medical I won’t even presume to make an average on because insulin costs more than most gaming consoles. And I highly doubt the richest of executives is buying one of those every month. I also won’t touch cars, as gasoline prices fluctuate and mpg varies. A monthly pass for public transport, if you’re lucky enough that your city has reliable transport, averages at about $60, but closer to $100 isn’t super unusual for big cities.

So, changing that weekly take home of $270 to a monthly of 1,080 and check it against those prices. Assuming that utilities is included, which covers things as basic as trash disposal and plumbing, we are in pristine health and insurance is paid for and half way decent, which is not a given, as well as no student loans since we’re working on federal minimum wage here, we get to keep negative $80. It costs $80 more than you make at federal minimum wage to live for a month as an independent human being.

Reminder, the -$80 average I found does not include: Food, any form of health care, any utilities, clothing, internet or entertainment outside of what comes with your phone plan, transportation outside of public infrastructure, any surprise fees or expenses of any kind.

I am not touching education costs, including the additional cost of public school. I could make a whole post off the cost of public education without the rest of this depression inducing rant.

At above what Obama wanted to define as wealthy you could do that working one week a month and still have money to put back in the economy.

I grant that this was done off (just above) the federal minimum wage, so most people are probably making more money than this, especially if they’ve been in the same job for a while. But I also took the national average costs for most of the expenses. And anyone working for tips can very easily be making about half that. You also may have noticed that I didn’t include grocery in my monthly figure, because while everyone eats, the cost varies widely, and you can get free food if you need it from banks, churches, your job if you’re in that area of the service sector and lucky, etc.

Yes, if you just start printing money and handing it out, inflation is going to ruin life. But, if you redistribute existing wealth instead of letting it amass and be hoarded by a handful of individuals who basically just pass it around among themselves if they do anything, while still collecting more, then instead there would be a still largely constant amount of wealth, but it would be used instead of artificially rarified (now) or drastically devalued (creating new currency and adding it to the pile). The people who say we can’t just pay people more willy-nilly aren’t wrong unfortunately. And I can certainly understand how someone who has their life style assured struggles (whether through managing to claw up, surviving to the point where it assured by government support paid by with taxes, or some combination) to understand the plight of those who don’t without realizing the climb keeps getting steeper. Presently, people who are actively doing and creating are inevitably passing the money they earn back up to the people who do not, who pass a fraction of it back. Instead of just increasing the amount of currency, now largely a digital entity, so at least we don’t have to trade our wallets for wagons, we need to ensure circulation and assess distribution.

A lot of people don’t like the “s” word, even people on social security will talk about how socialism would destroy this nation. There are also people who believe minimum wage raising would destroy industries. They don’t think it’s fair that the rich should have to pay more. But, if the rich paid 10 cents on every dollar they brought in, they honestly might not even notice. If a person working minimum wage pays 10 cents on every dollar they make then they probably need to live with other people and pool all their recourses in a communal setting while politicians and the wealthy eat expensive meals, spend extravagantly and don’t suffer in the least, like in *insert current socialist or communist boogeyman state* but with the “average” person being aware people are living like this and not personally seeing it.

MacKenzie Scott has proven that the ultra-wealthy would not suffer from increased taxation by, essentially, cutting out the middle man and almost privatizing socialism, as absurd as that sounds. Dolly Parton is also an individual who proves that obnoxious levels of wealth are still possible while distributing wealth to those who don’t have it, though I don’t know as many of the particulars with her. I do know they both, as well as others I do not know, choose to redistribute their wealth to lower social rungs and are still fabulously wealthy.

#socialism #communism #capitalism #cost of living #rant #eat the rich #I don't even care if you do it literally #bare minimum #humanity #value of human life #democratic socialism #democratic capitalism #economy #probably just shouting into the void

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lycorogue · 4 years ago

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A Family Tradition: Giving Thanks Tree

Tina Belcher - Image care of “Bob’s Burgers” on Fox

When I was a kid - I can’t even remember how old I first was - my mother would tape a cardboard cutout of a bare tree onto the attic door. Along its trunk were the words “Giving Thanks Tree”. She would then hang up a manila envelope filled with leaves cut out of red, orange, and yellow construction paper. Our goal for the month of November, leading into Thanksgiving? Write just one thing we’re thankful for each day and then hang it up on the cardboard tree so it is full by the end of the month.

As a child I HATED this tradition. It was so hard for me to think of 30 unique things I was grateful for, and usually ended up with generic things like “food” or “a home” or “boys” (I was a bit like Tina there). It wasn’t until college did I truly get the value of taking a few minutes each day to think about a blessing in your life you may have otherwise taken for granted. It was hard for me my freshman year of college to know I couldn’t participate in the family Giving Thanks Tree, so, with a new appreciation for the tradition, I made my own cardboard tree, hung it on my dorm room door, posted a sign explaining the tradition, and put out my own envelope of paper leaves for my floormates to join in. I was a naïve 18yo, but thankfully no one posted joke leaves. I was surprised at how many joined in on my tradition as I filled my tree with gratitudes. (I later brought my leaves home to post on the family tree).

In 2011 I got married and officially moved out of my mother’s home. I have yet to find a good wall or door to hang a big ol’ cardboard tree, so instead I switched to a digital list. This year I had decided to share to more than my personal Facebook page. I tried posting daily on Twitter as a month-long thread, but... well, it didn’t go so well, so I stopped after day 13, I think. I did finish the thread over on Facebook, and I decided to bring the complete list over to Tumblr.

So, for any who are interested, below the break is my list of 30 things I was grateful for this past November; things I hope to remain grateful for well beyond the next year. Always remember to stop to count your blessings. If you really try to find them, you will discover you have more than you might have realized.

1. I am grateful that my friends and family have been (mostly) safe and healthy this year, and that those who did contract COVID-19 were able to recover. ❤ (*proceeds to knock on wood*)

2. I am grateful for the amazing support system I have. I know I am one of the lucky ones, but between my husband, my family, my friends, and even my readers, I have so much positivity lifting me up, and I want to make sure I never take that for granted.

3. I am grateful to have a stable roof over my head. It's a decent size for two people (we just have a LOT of things). It has sturdy walls & a secure roof. We can keep it warm in the winter and cool in the summer (not cool enough for Hubby, but nothing outside a meat locker would be). We have an attentive but not intrusive landlady. She repairs anything that needs fixing ASAP, and is a lovely woman we can just pal around with on occasion. Those are things I know a lot of people can't say about their landlords/ladies. We also have welcoming neighbors that are a joy to run into in the parking lot. If we have to be "stuck" somewhere until we can buy our own place, where we are works wonderfully.

4. I am grateful that we are no longer hurting for money. We can splurge on smaller purchases (under $50) without much second thought. We can now pay off ALL of our monthly bills after just the first paychecks of the month. And then the rest of the month is building up funds for the next month's bills and savings. Speaking of, we have a little nest-egg of a couple grand, which is still relatively new for us. I'm also over-paying my student loans and car payment. Not by much, but enough that my bills are a couple months ahead, so... cool. I know that during this year in particular, having any sort of financial security is hard to hold onto, so I want to count our blessings that we're doing alright. *proceeds to knock on wood again*

5. As silly as it seems to say, I am grateful for all of the election memes. It was a super stressful time for most of us, and to have some sort of humor that most of the country could relate to (such as Flash from Zootopia being in charge of counting Nevada's votes) was a great stress reliever and bringer of much-needed smiles. So, thank you, Meme Lords/meme creators for bringing us such fantastic content to help ease that wait and stress.

6. I am grateful to see that my Muse is slowly returning to me, like a groundhog after a long hibernation, poking its head out just enough to acknowledge it's there before scurrying back into its burrow to hide again. It hasn't been much, and only one story was actually written in November, but I have been playing with a handful of plotbunnies. It's nice to be able to de-stress via plot-building and playing with character growth again. 😊 ❤

7. I'm sure you all saw this coming, but I am grateful that T**** lost the election. Not so much that Biden/Harris won, because there's issues there too, but that T**** will be out of the White House. Mostly, I'm grateful because that means so many that I love - and those online personalities that I respect - are going to be in a safer America (and world) as of January 20th. For those who suffered through physical, mental, emotional, financial, and maybe even spiritual hardships over the past 4 years - both Americans and international citizens alike - I am grateful that you get to take a breath and relax (at least, for a little bit) now. I don't know if Biden/Harris will (or can) do anything to actually help heal what caused my loved ones' suffering, but at least they won't be actively adding to it.

8. Getting away from the political, I am grateful that Hubby and I can eat whenever we want (outside of work). We may grumble about what we have available, but that's mostly due to not having the energy to turn ingredients into meals, or we've had the same meal 3x in a row already. Regardless, we CAN eat whenever we are hungry, and I am grateful for that.

9. Keeping with the "things people can take for granted easily" theme, I am grateful for my wardrobe. It may be simple and repetitive, but it is enough to wear something clean each day for anywhere between 7 and 12 days before needing to run to the laundromat. Nothing has holes or ratty edges (unless it's a beloved shirt I refuse to give up). My shoes have good soles to them, and I rarely have sore feet. When my feet DO get repeatedly sore, I have the funds to either fix my shoes via new insoles, or I can simply buy new ones. My coats are warm and, aside from one missing the grip of the zipper (but the zipper itself still works), they are still in good condition. I may not be the most fashionable, and I'm sure I'm not picking the best clothing to fit my body shape, but over-all, I'm protected from the elements, my body is protected, and I am well-kempt.

10. Kept me too long to mention this, but I am grateful that I was able to marry my best friend. There are those out there still looking for companionship. There are those who found it, but, in some cruel twist of fate, lost it. There are those who love their spouse, but may not exactly be friends with them. And yet, here Hubby and I are: two people who would gladly spend every waking moment with each other. I found someone I could chat and cuddle and laugh and cry with every moment of every day. Someone I share interests with, and someone who expands my list of interests. Someone who also expands my view of the world; who makes me wish to be more understanding and accepting, and just... better. I am lucky, and I never want to see a day when I forget that fact.

11. I feel a bit silly with this one, but I am grateful I don't have any major allergies I have to worry about. Specifically, no food allergies. I've seen how difficult it is for people to navigate around food allergies or intense airborne allergies. To have to not think about those sorts of things is such a privilege, and I'm truly grateful for it. I have enough issues with lactose intolerance.

12. Another kinda silly one, but, I'm grateful for @dragnime living next door to us. Same was true for when another friend was our neighbor. There's just something about seeing dragnime’s car when I come home (again, same with the other friend and his car) that makes me smile. I don't have to actually socialize with dragnime that day if we're both busy, but to see his car and know he's there should I want to reach out is just a weird sort of comforting. (Man, I really need Hubby and I to win the lottery so we can build our commune already....)

13. I am grateful for publicly announced self-appointed deadlines. Last year I started up my own tradition within the Miraculous Ladybug fandom: Friday 13ths should be Plagg Appreciation Day. Plagg is a character who, I feel, doesn't get nearly enough love or screen time. He's also the kwami of bad luck and destruction, so... Friday 13th seemed fitting. The final bit of writing I had actually finished and posted prior to November was for this fandom holiday back in March, and at the end of that story I told everyone "see you in November!" so I felt silly if I'd let this poor-writing year defeat me. I was determined to have at least THIS story written, and that determination paid off. It ended up taking almost literally my entire day off, but I was able to become inspired enough to write SOMETHING, and it seems to be received well, so... added yay. 😊

14. I am grateful for my relatively easy life. I have been loved and supported my whole life. I never really experienced abuse or prejudice (or even really bullying) personally. I was able to fully experience college without much personal trouble (my student loan debt notwithstanding). Aside from a single 6-month stint right after moving to NY, I have been able to find work easily enough. I haven't had to struggle for food or clothing or housing (stretch budget, yes; struggle, no). I haven't had to live without electricity or clean running water. I've never lost loved ones or valuable items (even sentimentally) through natural disasters. *knock on wood some more* There have been struggles in my life, to be sure, but, on the whole, I've had a happy, safe, supported, and relatively easy life.

15. I'm calling out @chibisunnie specifically. I am so SO very grateful for her. I mean, I always am, but this year in particular she's been such a pillar of strength for me. I can't even imagine the stress and panic this year must cause her, and yet she's still always there to comfort ME. (I mean, I hope I comfort her too, but this year in particular I feel it's more her comforting me.) She's been the main one (right behind Hubby) to remind me to be kind to myself this year and that it IS an unusual year; my "failings" in 2020 don't define who I am seeing it's an outlier year.

16. I am grateful that my sister is seeing her true self-worth. She’s worked so hard to improve herself and to find out who she truly is, and it's been fantastic to see her continue to evolve. It's also great to see her find someone who builds her up, so a side bit of gratitude to her boyfriend. And, yes, her perseverance, strength, and determination (as well as her mad crocheting skills) are still things that I greatly admire in her. I'm just so happy and proud and grateful that she seems to be in such a good place. ❤

17. I am grateful that my mom has discovered how capable she truly is. This year has been undeniably hard on small businesses such as hers. It must be such a struggle to keep everything afloat and to stay positive, and yet she is. She's pushing herself to improve her business and marketing. She's dealing with modern technology – basically the bane of her existence – nearly all day long between Zoom meetings to network and learn and grow, to working remotely, to making videos to help promote herself, to reworking her business's website, etc. She's grown so much over the year and I'm so proud of her.

18. Since I mentioned it, I am grateful for video conference programs such as Zoom. Unfortunately, due to scheduling conflicts, exhaustion, and my right knee getting worse, I had to stop doing Zumba (I'm hoping to work my way back into the routine again sooner than later). However, before June screwed me over, Zoom was how I was able to keep up with this exercise routine post-shutdown. It's how I've been able to see my family. It's how so many have been able to continue working. It's how YouTubers I enjoy manage to still interact for their videos. It's fantastic that this technology is not only available, but it's also accessible to so many.

19. Speaking of which, I am grateful for the Oxboxtra crew, Dicebreaker, the Theory Family (yes, I’m aware people find MatPat problematic...), SuperCarlinBrothers, OSP, Hello Future Me, and The Warp Zone. In total, that’s nearly a dozen different YouTube channels I routinely watch – focused mostly on OutsideXbox, Outside Xtra, Film Theory, Game Theory, Food Theory, and SuperCarlinBrothers – and these channels have really helped me keep my sanity. The fandoms specifically for OutsideXbox, Outside Xtra, and SuperCarlinBrothers are just so sweet and supportive of even fellow fans. The YouTubers have such big hearts and are so delightfully goofy, it's almost like welcoming friends into my home whenever I watch them. I even started checking out stuff on Luke Westaway's and Ellen Rose's private channels on YouTube because I enjoyed these entertainers so much. So, thank you, YouTubers, for helping me find something that lets me forget what's going on in the world for 2hrs and just have fun. ❤

20. Along those lines, I am grateful for games such as Animal Crossing: New Horizons and Among Us. Both of those games, and similar ones that were available this year, were great distractions from the chaos of 2020. They have provided fantastic and unique gameplay content for the YouTube channels I follow, which, in turn, provided great video content for me to watch. These types of games were also, and most importantly, great ways for people to stay connected. I've been able to bond and joke around and preoccupy myself with games and gaming streams, and they have certainly been such great lifelines.

21. I am grateful for quiet cuddle moments. Be it in the evening while Hubby and I are watching TV, or while we're actually snuggled in bed watching Disney+ or Netflix, or after hitting snooze in the morning and just wanting to stay cuddled together for another 5 minutes, or even when one of us (*cough*usuallyme*cough*) is feeling super stressed and we just take a couple-minute time-out to just hug, I am grateful for all of them. I know not every couple gets to have these physical contact moments for various reasons, add in my own experience of having an 8-year long-distance relationship, and I try so hard to not take those quiet moments of just simple hugs or hand holds or back scratches for granted.

22. I am grateful for music and the ability to experience it. It motivates me. It inspires me (I have so many stories/chapters written because a song made me think of the plot). It helps with cathartic release. It gets me moving and exercising. It keeps me focused. It allows me to just zone out. Music is just so important in my life and the life of so many more. Bless all the music creators and performers.

23. I am grateful for Anime Night. It's a bit of normalcy in this year of anything but. It's a way to stay connected with a couple of my friends, and the little bits of socializing we do outside of watching has really allowed me to get to know both men more, as well as learn more about the other people really important in their lives.

24. I am grateful for the experience of turning fans into friends (and also being allowed to evolve from fan to friend). One of the best things about fanfiction is the ability to see people interact and react with your work, and to then respond in kind. It's sort of a silver lining to the relatively small number of views and comments on most fanfiction (compared to most professionally published work, that is), since it means you aren't too overwhelmed to truly experience each comment, follow, fave, like, reblog, etc. Through people gushing about my work, and me gushing back at how happy they've made me, I've been able to build up some really sweet friendships. I've also made two new close-acquaintances (we don't interact QUITE enough to be “friends” just yet) from my own gushy reviews and their responses to how great my reviews made them feel. So, to @chibisunnie, @thetauruspixie, @livrever, @tlos21, @chanceuseladynoire and @zenmisery (I hope that's all of you), I am so grateful for the bond we've had over fanfiction. Love all of you so much! ❤

25. I am grateful for members of minorities and other marginalized peoples for taking the time and effort to try to educate others; making it easier on us when they are in no way obligated to help us understand at all (it's really on us to put in the effort to try to understand them). This year alone, via personal posts on social media, infographics, comics, people posting reference sheets of hotlinks to research/source materials, etc, I was able to learn so much. I was able to grow and try to overcome my own prejudices, misunderstandings, and misinformation. All because people decided to share their raw experiences or do the research for me. It was something each and every one of them volunteered to do in an effort to help educate, and I am so grateful for the lessons they've taught me.

26. I am grateful that people find me a safe person to talk to. It is one of the few things I want in life; to be a safe haven for friends, family, and even strangers who are hurting. I realize the amount of trust people put in me and the vulnerability they are allowing themselves. It is humbling, to say the least, but also such an amazing feeling. I will try to keep learning and keep growing to keep earning the trust warranted me being this safe haven, but in the meantime, I'll continue to be grateful that people do find me as someone they can be safe with.

27. On the flipside, I am grateful to have friends who allow me to just be who I am. I can be obsessed with a cartoon aimed at 10 year olds (Miraculous Ladybug), and my friends not only don't judge, but they also happily let me know when their young children start to enjoy the show! I can be goofy or forgetful or screw something up, and, again, there's no judgment. They just accept me as I am, and I am blessed.

28. I am grateful for the support my friends and family have (outside of me) in their lives. It does my heart well to know that even if I disappear due to my own mental health issues, that my friends and family still have great support around them. They are all kind people surrounded by more kind people, and I nearly cry whenever I read or hear about my friends getting support they need and the outpouring of support. YOU ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE AND I LOVE YOU ALL AND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU DESERVE THE OUTPOURING OF SUPPORT YOU'VE FOUND. ❤

29. I am grateful for the continued bonding we've had with my sister-in-law this past year. I miss having the post-Zumba walk where we can just talk, but, largely through effort on her part, we've been having some time every Tuesday when she comes over to work after dropping the kids at school. We also had a whole evening with her on Black Friday. She's also texted and called a few times to chat, and we are getting closer and closer each year. Not everyone thinks of their in-laws as family despite what the law says, so I'm grateful that we have always thought of each other as family, and that we continue to bond and grow as siblings.

30. I am grateful for this family tradition. It allows me to really focus on what is important in life, and all the joys and blessings I've experienced. It's especially important during this trash heap of a year. I love that I can find silver linings in my life and appreciate what I have. This tradition is also a reminder to not take things for granted. I am so SO grateful that my mom introduced us to this tradition and forced us to participate as we grew up. It's a lesson that will stay with me, and it's such an important one. Thank you, Mom!

#Thanksgiving #Giving Thanks Tree #Gratitude Tree #family tradition #LycoRogue original #30 blessings #long post

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darknessisafriend · 5 years ago

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Since the beginning

Pairing: Arthur/Joker x Reader

Warning: rough sex, bloodplay and very long fic XD

Prompt: Where the Reader has been in a relationship since before his decent into madness and she is at the apartment when Arthur is on the Murray Franklin Show. She watches the whole thing and is terrified, too scared to even move. When she does find the strength, she decides to pack everything and get the hell out of Dodge. Then, as she finishes and is getting ready to leave, Arthur comes home. He manages to escape the cops and comes back to get her? He's still post-car accident. He has blood all over and his makeup still on. Arthur is all creepy and everything as he tries to get the reader to go with him, saying "you love me, don't you?" And all that shit. In the end, the reader submits, and they have rough-ish sex?

You have more empathy than most people, not very talkative, introvert and nervous in crowded places, you always saw details and noticed thing others didn´t see. The homeless grandma, trying to sell little knitted objects to have food, a warm and safe place to spend the night; the sexually harassed student in the subway not daring to move or say anything, that nobody see or feign not to see. You often thought that it´s probably because people don´t see you either that you notice these details.

You had recently graduated from university but you couldn´t find a job related to your background, and you had your student loan to pay back. You wondered, `what’s the point of studying for this kind of result? ´, so you took the first job you found, cashier at a porn cinema. Most of the time it was ok, but as you worked on the night shift, you could meet pervs, asking you to do all sorts of things as if working at a porn cinema included prostitution; you didn´t feel safe either when your shift ended at 5:00 am, it was still dark outside, most of the streets were desert, except for some criminals, you were just lucky nothing had happened to you yet.

You met Arthur in the streets, the day when he got beaten up; you were passing by, going to work. Your boss had asked you to do extra hours, you couldn´t refuse it, you will be able to buy yourself warm clothes for winter. It was going to be quite a long day; it was around 3pm when you approached from your place of work. You were looking to the ground while walking, lost in your thoughts. Suddenly on your left your heard muffled noises, to realize it sounded like a mix of punches and groans. As you turned you head in the direction of the sounds, you saw a group of kids running, leaving someone lying still on the floor. `Shit´ you thought as you started to walk rapidly towards the victim. The man was dressed as a clown, breathing rapidly, curved into a ball, his sign broken into pieces. He slowly moved onto his back, making his prank flower throw a spurt of water, as if he was trying to cheer himself up. He quailed as he saw you approaching; he probably expected another series of beating. Poor man, you crouch down, your hands in front of you.

“I mean no harm” you told him as softly as you could, giving him a reassuring smile.

“I´m Y/N, what´s your name?” you asked him, he looked at you in the eyes, like you were an alien, what happened to him to end up so surprised by such question?

“I´m Ar…Arthur …” he stuttered; his voice broken. He sounded like such a sweet guy. You could feel anger rise in your chest, why did everyone were so mean these days? But now wasn’t the time to get pissed.

“Arthur, are you okay? Can you move?” you asked him, extending your hand for him to take. He seemed to hesitate as if it was another sick joke. You gave him an encouraging smile. He gently took your hand, you squeezed it reassuringly.

“I´m alright” he answered, still looking at you, wonder filling his blue eyes, they were one of the most beautiful you had ever seen. You helped him stand up, he rolled his right shoulder, he probably took a heavy punch there, and one of his legs seemed to hurt him as well. He was about to bend to reach the pieces of his sign, you were faster than him.

“No, don’t worry, I´ll pick it up for you” you added, gathering them, and giving them to Arthur. He was throwing you quick glances.

“Thank you, Y/N, I´m… I´m sorry to bother you…” he said with a guilty tone, looking on the ground. You automatically reach for his gloved hand.

“You didn’t! Wasn´t gonna leave you like this. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, believe me” You said with a smile. He seemed awestruck; your heart skipped a beat as a small shy smile formed on his lips. You will arrive late at work this day but it didn´t matter, for the first time you had met love.

And it was love at first sight. Only a few days after meeting him, you were dating. You liked your relationship with him, the both of you took things slow, there was not rush, for now kisses, cuddles and holding hands was all you needed from each other. Arthur, was perfect for you, he was not afraid to have fun, just like you; it was nice to share this with someone, because most of your friends and family would often tell you to stop having fun the way you did because `it´s not of your age anymore, dreaming is for children not adults´. Your imagination was the only place where you were happy, until Arthur entered your life.

His life wasn´t easy either, worse than yours, but you were there to support him, make him smile and laugh; laugh of fun and joy unlike his condition which was painful and caused him to be rejected even more by society. When he had one of those laughter outbreaks, you would hold him, caressing his back, whispering soothing words in his ear. You were doing your best to share moments with him, comfort him after a bad day where people would be rude to him, making fun of him.

“I hope my death makes more cents than my life” you had read out loud one day, as you leaned over his shoulder, you chuckled, wrapping your arms around him, your chin resting on his shoulder, kissing his jaw. “I like that one, but please don´t die too soon”, you added, it made him smile, he kissed your hand “As long as you love me, no chance” he had answered sweetly.

Days went on happily. One day, as he came back from work, he had told you he carried a gun with him, he knew he wasn’t supposed to but a colleague of his, Randall, had insisted, telling him it was essential to keep him safe. It was a nice gesture of him, it could at least serve a dissuasion if some thugs were to attack Arthur.

And unfortunately, you didn’t have much time to see each other during the week as you mostly worked at night, but you did your best. Over the weeks, you started to bring some of your belongings to his apartment to spend more time with him. You would spend your day sleeping on his couch, to be woken up by his kisses as he came back from work and you had to start your night shift. Despite his exhaustion, he always insisted on escorting you to work to make sure you were safe. To this point, you could say that you were living with him more than at your home. His mother Penny was very nice but very sick. And Arthur had so much weight on his shoulders, sacrificing his own health for her, so when you could, you insisted on helping them financially. Sometimes you would accompany him to watch stand-up comedy and honestly you didn’t understand how people could laugh to such sexist and stupid jokes, it was nothing like Arthur’s dark and sophisticated humor, which you absolutely loved.

Despite the happy moments you shared with him, life continued to push him down. Just like this day you’d remember your entire life. He left for work, all excited because his gig was to happen in a children hospital, he loved kids so much, and they loved him too, never mocked him in anyway. You had a day off, staying at your flat, preparing yourself for a date night with him. However, when he came knocking at your door that night, he was panting, his nose bleeding, his hair disheveled. He had told you everything, how he got fired whereas he didn’t do anything wrong but carry something to protect himself; then how he got beaten up by those assholes, and he shot them. It was self-defense, these jerks only got what they deserved, you had told Arthur. He had come to you, knowing you’d be there for him. You will cover him, and support him. It was also the night were the both of you made love for the first time, as a sign of trust and love you had for each other.

You learned how to hate Wayne, when the next day, all he had to say was that the less fortunate people in this city, were stupid, not able to make decisions of their own, clowns that needed guidance from some fucking rich guy like him. It made you happy that people were reacting to this and were supporting Arthur, maybe that’s what Gotham’s need after all.

Still, since that day, Arthur changed, he was different; it felt like he wasn’t sharing everything with you. One night, he came back from therapy more upset than usual, angry even. “Arthur, you know you can talk to me, right?”, but that night, he didn’t.

Life went back to normal. He had decided to do his first stand up comedy, you wouldn’t miss for any reason. He had entered the stage smiling, but the laughter attack came, you just wanted to stand up and soothe him, but you knew he wouldn’t want that, because he wants to perform; he just had to get through this outbreak first. So, you smiled encouragingly, hoping that between his gasps for air, he would see you and that it would help him. And he did, it gave him the strength to push past his nervousness, and he was good, very good, each of his jokes made you laugh, even though you knew them by heart. As he finished the show, and people were clapping, you hurried backstage, and greeted him with a passionate kiss.

“I’m so proud of you, you were the best” you had told him between kisses. The lovemaking after that had been incredible, passionate; Arthur was becoming more confident taking the lead, you liked it and did not hesitate to tell him how good he was. You probably had an impact for sure, but you didn’t know he wasn’t taking his medication anymore and that had deeper impact on him. The following days he continued his show every night, despite how much you wanted to be there you couldn’t, still working at night.

One particular day, you went to see him and Penny, but he wasn’t there, and his mother was in a worst emotional state than usual, cops were there, what was going on? and then everything happened fast, Arthur was still missing. Until the ambulance came.

As the doctors took Penny to reanimation, you were waiting outside with Arthur; he was pacing back and forth, anxious.

“Arthur! Come sit here please.” He seemed to come out of his trance, and sat next to you, you passed one arm around his shoulders.

“She´s gonna be alright, they´re going to take good care of her.”

As they brought her in a room, the doctors explained she had a stroke, the both of you stayed by her side.

“Arthur, where were you? What happened? Looked like a fight happened there” You asked him, keeping your voice down, he looked to the opposite of you.

“Nothin´, just went for a walk.” He answered tiredly.

“Arthur…why aren´t you telling me the truth? You´re lucky that I was passing by to talk to you, I found her unconscious with those cops…”

“I don´t wanna talk about it Y/N…” his tone final, you sighed, you felt hurt that he didn´t trust you enough to share whatever happened.

“I´m gonna get a coffee, want one?” you asked him, standing up, he nodded, you gave him a kiss on his temple and went to the cafeteria.

The following days got worse, you just felt Arthur slip away from you, and you simply didn´t know what to do, except to be there for him. When Penny died you were there too, for the burial he wore a red costume, smoking a cigarette; that´s when you saw him smile in front of the grave, a big smile, this disturbed you, was it some kind of nervous reaction? Then, he flicked the cigarette onto the tomb making you gasp.

“Good, now let´s get out of here.” He said on a joyful tone, walking away, he is showing no signs of caring about his mother´s death, he looks happy.

“What´s wrong with you?!” you exclaimed, maybe it was his way of coping with the shock of her death, but it wasn´t a reason to show her disrespect.

“Nothing´s wrong with me!” he yelled, pointing a finger at you. You froze; it was the first time that he raised his voice on you.

“I´ll just leave you alone for now. You know where to find me…” You answered, swallowing down, trying to suppress the tears prickling into your eyes, it´s probably for the best that you give him some space. He doesn´t even try to go after you. So, you went back to your place, `I guess I´ll be spending the rest of the week alone…´.

You were truly worried for him, he was behaving strange for the past weeks, and for some reason he refused to open up to you; you feared that he was really going crazy and that he would end up harming himself.

Two days passed, without any news from him, this was eating you up. You were so used to his presence. Today you had to go outside to run some errands. As you opened the door, you spotted something on the floor, a bunch of synthetic flowers and an envelope. You instantly recognized it was from Arthur, he had showed you his magic tricks where he would pull out these flowers. This made you smile; you took both item and retreated back in your apartment, excited to read the letter.

My love,

I´m sorry for my behavior last day,

Please be at my flat for Murray Franklin show, you will watch me on TV, I was invited!

You´re going to like it, it´s going to be so much fun!

Never forget that I love you,

Arthur

Your excitement slightly came down when you finished reading the letter. You had seen the video, you were with him when Murray played his video on TV and mocked him. Arthur was devastated this day, he cried for hours, the only thing that made him happy had betrayed him. If he was going there naively, thinking that people will be nice to him or that Murray will show him sympathy for everything that has happened to him in the past few weeks, he was wrong. If only you had money to afford a ticket for the show, you would have joined him right away. You prepared yourself to go to his place, there was 2 hours left before the show, you had time to buy what you needed to cook dinner, he surely will need it after the show.

On the way to his place, you felt nervous, people outside were getting excited, wearing clown mask or paint, felt like seeing Arthur´s `Carnival´ clown on every face. You totally supported this upbringing, you simply hoped this wouldn´t end in a blood bath, you didn´t want anyone to be killed, this could not legitimate your fight.

As you entered his apartment, you realized that it was a mess, for some reason, the food and compartments of the fridge were thrown out. You noticed that the doorframe of the living room was damaged like something had violently hit it, several times. You assumed that he had been very disturbed by his mother’s death and he took out his anger and helplessness on the flat itself.

You hoped that being at his place will enable the two of you to talk at open hearts, you wanted to know how he felt, what happened…

As you finished setting the table, you sat legs crossed on the couch, wrapped in Arthur plaid, holding a mug of hot cocoa. You were feeling a mix of excitement and pride to see your lover on this show, it was his dream after all; but you also felt scared because knew that he was certainly invited for the wrong reasons, and this was going to break him even more.

The protest was getting stronger outside, you could hear people screaming, and chanting slogans; from time to time you were hearing firecrackers exploding, and well you hoped it was firecrackers.

“You gotta see our next guest…” that’s Arthur! He was going to appear on TV!

“I’m pretty sure this guy could use a doc”. You winced at his mockery, Arthur wasn’t even there that they were already making fun of him. To make things worse they showed the video again, “bastards, you’re only showing his laughter attack.” You said to the TV already irritated. Your mind goes to your lover watching this backstage…

“Joker!” You hear Murray calling. A figure comes out dancing, that’s Arthur?! He’s spiraling, confident, shaking the hand of Murray like he sees him every day. ‘Why is he wearing his makeup?’ He has a very flashing costume similar to the one he had for Penny’s burial. You had to admit that it suit him very well, it reflected his personality. Then he kisses the doctor, ‘wait what!?’, you can’t believe it your eyes, almost dropping your mug, it’s so passionate and…provocative, the crowd is cheering.

As he sits down, the camera zooms on his face, he is beautiful like this, he even looks younger; despite the weirdness of the situation, you can’t help but feel pride at knowing him, he is being so brave in this moment. He pauses, Murray asks him if his ok “Yeah, this is exactly how I imagined it”. You smile at this, it was his dream to be invited on the show.

The interview starts, Murray refers to his look, Arthur cleverly answers almost mocking himself “I’m just trying to make people laugh”

“And how’s that going for you” replies Murray mockingly making the public laugh, Arthur’s reaction was also laugh like one of those he has during a laughter attack, but it feels forced, ‘was he mocking himself?’ you wondered, slightly frowning at the scene.

��“Wanna tell us a joke?” the public is cheering “Yeaah?” ask Arthur, you can tell he’s excited, he has a bright smile, he’s even playful as he gets out his book of jokes, now was the time to show them his talent.

“You got a book? A book of jokes” the public his laughing, ‘fucker’ Arthur goes through the pages, he seems lost in it “Take your time got all night” another mockery from Murray.

“Ok, here’s one, knock knock.” He’s smiling like he’s eager to hear people laugh at his joke.

“And you had to look that up?” comments Murray, the public and guest burst into laughing, mocking him once again, you find yourself pleading for them to stop this free nastiness. The smile Arthur had since the beginning faded, his mask of confidence is cracking, he adds “I wanted to get it right”, you are starting to feel uncomfortable, how can people watch this and mock his situation.

“Knock, knock” repeats Arthur. “Who’s there?” asks Murray.

“It’s the police mam, your son has been hit by a drunk driver, he’s dead” Finishes Arthur, chuckling, the public is outraged, you’re surprised, you never heard this one and for once, it wasn’t funny.

Arthur apologizes “Yeah, I’m sorry it’s just, you know it’s been a rough few weeks Murray”, he chuckles again, you can tell it’s nervous.

“Ever since…I killed those 3 Wall Street guys” he says looking at the crowd, you froze, why is he confessing! ‘He didn’t plan on coming back home’ you start thinking, maybe all that happened is too much and he wants end it, you see it in his eye, he ‘s speaking like it’s something surreal that happened, you start bouncing your leg, ashamed that you weren’t enough to help him get through all this.

“There’s not punchline, it’s not a joke” the public is dead silent.

“You’re serious aren’t you, you’re telling you killed these 3 young men on the subway? And why should we believe you?” investigates Murray, ‘why aren’t they stopping the live?’ you wonder.

“I got nothing left to lose…nothing can hurt me anymore… my life is nothing but a comedy” he said smiling, but you can tell by his eyes and the way he moves that he is suffering, not far from crying actually, you pinch your lips together, your eyes watering ‘what about me?’.

“Let me get this straight, you think killing those guys is funny?” asks Murray.

“I do, and I’m tired of pretending it’s not, comedy is subjective Murray, you know what they say ‘all of you, the systems that knows so much, you decide what’s right or wrong, the same way you decide what’s funne-eh! or not” You can feel Arthur growing tired of hearing about those guys, those exposed as martyrs whereas they were the criminals who abused him. You know he’s right.

“Ok…I think, I might understand you did this to…start a movement, to become a symbol?”

Arthur scoffed “Come on Murray, do I look like the kind of clown to start a movement? I killed those guys because they were awful” he clenches his jaw. ‘tell them Arthur, tell them what they did to you!’

“Everybody is awful these days, it’s enough to make anyone crazy” he sounds bitter, eyes filled with hate.

“Ok, that’s it, so you’re crazy, that’s your defense? For killing 3 young men?” Arthur smiles again.

“No, they couldn’t carry a tune to save their lives” he says mockingly, somehow doing a reference how people treated him because they don’t like his jokes. The crowd gasps. Arthur lets out an exasperated moan “Oooh, why is everyone so upset about these guys. If it was me dying on the sidewalk, you’d walk right over me! I pass you everyday you don’t notice me! But these guys because, what Thomas Wayne would cry about them on TV!” He is starting to lose his temper; his eyes are wet.

“You have problem with Thomas Wayne?” Murray keeps pushing him.

“Yes, I do…have you seen what it’s like out there MurRAY? Do you actually leave the studio? Everybody just yells and scream at each other, nobody is civil anymore! Nobody thinks what it’s like to be the other guy…you think that men like Thomas Wayne ever think what it’s like to be someone like me? To be somebody but themselves? They don’t! They think we’ll just sit there and take it like good little boys! That we won’t werewolf and go wild!” Adds Arthur angrily. Despite being dead worried for him, you can’t help but nod, because it’s what’s happens every goddamn day of your life.

“You finished? I mean there’s so much self-pity Arthur, you sound like you’re making an excuse for killing those young men, not everybody and I’ll tell you this not everyone is awful.” You huffed, probably the only smart thing Murray said today. Arthur shot him a deadly glare, squeezing his lips together, he’s was betrayed by Murray, he hated him now.

“You’re awful Murray”

“Me? I’m awful? Yeah and how am I awful?” was Murray so stupid that he didn’t realize the harm he’s done?!

“Playing my video, inviting me on the show, you just wanted to make fun of me, you’re just like the rest of them.” Arthur growled, keeping eye contact with the host.

“You don’t know the first thing about me pal, look what happened because of what you did, what it lead to, there are riots out there, two police men are in critical condition, someone was killed today” You took a deep breath, Murray was being way too provocative right now, he shouldn’t, you feel Arthur is close to break, you feel he could do anything; he laughs.

“Someone was killed today because of what you did” Joker scratched the back of his head, you know he does that when he’s under strong stress.

“I know! How about another joke Murray?” ‘Shit, he’s not gonna make it’

“What do you get, when you cross, a mentally ill loner, with a society that abandons him and treats him LIKE TRASH! I’LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU GET!” his voice broke making you tear up, “YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE!”.

Then, there’s a loud bang, it takes you several seconds to realize what just happened, he shot Murray, he’s bouncing his legs, he laughs, you understood better than anyone else how Arthur felt but why did he killed him, it’s not, it can’t be the solution! Right? He gets up and shoots him once again, this makes your blood run cold, you don’t recognize the man you love, your Arthur. He comes towards the camera, looking directly into it “Goodnight…and always remember, that’s…” the show cuts.

You lay your head on the back of the couch, passing a hand though your hair. You feel like shit, for being the closest person to him and not having been able to protect him ‘no I wasn’t part of this, I didn’t make him like this, fuck that’s my fault’.

You stayed in front of the TV for what seemed an eternity, everything had happened so fast, you are staring into emptiness. What now? You had just witnessed the person you cared the most about, give into madness, kill someone out of anger; this wasn’t self-defense anymore. He had become uncontrollable. You’re blaming it all on yourself, your breathing is starting to become frantic, and you feel a panic attack rising, kicking the plaid out of your shoulders, you try to calm yourself ‘I’m not worthy of him I failed him’ it’s so hard to breath, you can only hear the heavy beats of your heart ‘why did I leave him alone, I should have skipped work, been there for him, even if he didn’t want me to’. Then a darker thought crosses your mind ‘Is he going to kill me because I didn’t see how bad he was doing? he loves me right?’ you want to say yes but your instinct is screaming the contrary ‘what if he told me to come here to make it easier for him to kill me?’

“I have to leave.” You to say to yourself. You quickly got up, looking around. You need to pack up things you had brought here, the police doesn’t have to know.

You hear in the background the news repeating the same thing over and over again, Arthur heartbreaking words, that he was arrested.

You enter the bedroom, looking for a book you gave to Penny. From the corner of your eyes you spotted one of Arthur´s cardigan, you took it in your trembling hands, burying your head in it, inhaling his scent; you burst into tears, hugging the piece of clothing. You love him so much, now you lost him. Taking the cardigan with you, tears continue to run freely as you gather your things. You go back to the living room, to get some of your clothes in the closet.

“What the…!” you scream, falling to the floor. In front of you lies the corpse of a man, a pair of scissors in his eye, blood everywhere, you frantically crawl away from this horror `I have to get out of here! ´, getting back up you take your bags, and run to the door.

As you opened the door, you came face to face with him, `shit he´s supposed to be under arrest! ´. He was panting like he ran to come here and get you, drops of sweat were prickling on his temples. The first thing you see is blood, his face covered by his own blood coming from the gash on his forehead and his mouth, the painted smile is different, darker, you realized it´s made with his blood. He laughs openly, pupils dilated, he´s excited like a kid on a fair.

“Wasn´t I amazing?! Y/N come, see outside!” He reaches for your hand, you take a few steps back, you´re searching his eyes, trying to find Arthur in this man, you´re scared, your heart beats widely. His laugh dies immediately, he doesn´t understand, why aren´t you jumping in his arms? Then, he sees the bags you’re holding, were you leaving him!?

“Y/N what are you doing?” he asked, his voice low and dangerous. He walks inside, closing the door and leaning on it. You were trapped.

“Arthur…there´s…there´s a dead body in the closet…” you say with a trembling voice, finding the strength to look at him in the eyes, he chuckles passing a hand through his green locks, marching to you.

“Yep, that´s Randall, I wasn´t gonna leave him the middle of the room, could have used your help to move him by way.” You couldn´t believe it. Was that the only thing that bothered him?

“That´s all you have to say? You can´t just kill…Arthur you can´t do that!” you whimpered frantically agitating your hands around.

“Oh, come on Y/N you´re freaking out, besides he deserved it” he muttered, pouting like a child being scolded. You throw your hands in the air and let out an exasperated noise, tears started to run down on your face again, this was too much to handle.

“Just let me go please.” You pleaded softly. To this, his head abruptly shot back up.

“No, you´re not leaving me…you´re not leaving me!” he groaned almost shouting. He angrily took out a cigarette, lighting it and taking a quick drag. He returned his attention to you, pointing his cigarette at you.

“You love me don´t you?” this destabilize you, you weren’t expecting this question. Still you already knew the answer.

“I do Arthur b…”

“But what? You loved me out of pity, to satisfy your need to help those beneath you? You seemed to like me recently! But no, you actually prefer poor pathetic Arthur huh!” he cut you off, losing his temper. His words hurt you, what if he was right, no he wasn’t…

“I didn’t mean for this to happen!” you whined. If only you could fix him, bring back the man you knew. “We didn´t have much but we still had something” you add, wiping away the wetness of your face with the back of your sleeve.

“I´m doing this for you, wouldn´t you want to be free, not struggle, have more than this?” he asserted, looking at you intensely. You don’t answer, looking at your feet, of course you would like it.

“Don´t you want me to be happy, don´t you want us to be happy?” he prompted irritably. You shake your head “Of course I want you to be happy, but killing like this is not…”

“Don´t say that, you covered me for those 3 guys remember? what did you say? `Assholes like them deserve to be shot´. The others hurt me too, I am the victim here.” His voice breaking, his eyes watery, he’s standing at arm’s length to you. You frown, you don’t know what to say, because he’s making sense…

“Tell me how it made you feel hmm?” he pushed, circling around you.

“Proud…” you fretted, still not meeting his eyes.

“Louder Y/N” you startled at his raised voice.

“Proud! You were finally fighting back against the world.” You add, shivering at your own confession. You heard him chuckle as he came to stand in front of you, slightly bending to meet your lowered head.

“You said Randall deserved to die for what he did to me” he dramatically gesture his arms in the direction of the closet. “You did well, there’s nothing wrong with that baby…you said Murray, didn´t have the right to mock me, that you hoped something bad happened to him, wish granted…” he claimed. You don´t move, trembling, you don´t dare to look at him in the eyes, he is so right, you’re feeling angry, how could you be so blind?

“Don’t act so shocked, I know you liked it, this whole show your giving me, it´s a comedy, you´re just too scared to admit it, to become what you´ve always been, deep down you were like this since the beginning, you were just suppressing it.”

He pushes you strongly against the wall, arms next to your head, blocking any chance of escape. He´s very close to you, his nose brushing against yours.

“Tell me you didn´t like to see me shoot Murray” He seized your chin, forcing you to meet his eyes. He’s grinning like he already knows the answer. He doesn´t need to know that right now, so you try to find as much conviction as you can.

“I hated it.” You dared. He chuckles darkly.

“Liar” He purred, leaning in to kiss you. You don´t like what he is saying about you, you feel naked. You bite his lip; licking yours, you taste his blood, salty, throwing him a dark look. He laughs “oh you, I like it when you´re wild like that, you know what they say, truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.” You answer with a sneer. His face is deadly serious.

“Now…you made me upset Y/N, don´t you deserve to be punished?” He buries his fingers in your hair, this makes you gulp, even though you’re still scared, another feeling emerges in your chest, excitement, anticipation…it´s wrong you shouldn’t feel this…

“I do deserve it Arthur…” his grip on your hair tightens, his eyes growing darker.

“Arthur’s dead, call me Joker.”

“I deserve it…Joker” you repeat, the name feels strange on your tongue. The clown release an excited breath, he’s smiling.

His mouth goes to your neck, nibbling your skin, sucking it to leave hickeys; then his mouth goes right under your ear, his warm breath gives you goosebumps.

“I am going to fuck you. I’m going to fuck you so hard, and it’s going to hurt.” He purrs into your ear, slightly biting your ear lobe, your heartbeat increases.

His other hand slides across your body to go between your legs, caressing you over your clothes, applying more pressure from time to time, you can already feel the need for more rising. And you want to touch him too, your hands go on his torso, he immediately pushes them away, smashing painfully your arm on the wall, blocking your hand above your head.

“Did I say you could touch me?” he groans, he stops touching you. The hand that was in your hair goes to your throat right below your jaw, he squeezes, not much, just enough for you to feel it, his mouth crashes against yours in a painful kiss, his tongue sucking yours. It feels good, being under his mercy, you can taste is blood again, metallic, delectable. You like his passion, his new-found confidence when he kisses you. As he run out of air, panting, his mouth a few inches from yours he orders “Face down on the couch. Now.” He’s dangerous but you want to push it, because you’re starting to like it, you want to see how far it can go, defy him, so you just smile, a sweet smile but your eyes are provocative.

“You’re going to regret that sweetheart.” He chuckles menacing, he yanks you on the couch with a force you never suspected. Before you can react, you’re facing him, he’s onto you now, sitting on your hips, straddling your legs with his, holding your arms above your head with one hand, he kisses your neck again but this time hard, he stops at your most sensitive spot, making you gasp as he increases the pressure of his teeth, a sharp pain spreads in your neck as you realized he’s biting you, you moan, it hurts but you never thought you’d like it this way. You can feel a few drops of blood coming out of the bite, then his tongue, smooth and warm, hungrily licking the liquid, soothing.

Then, he looks at you, laughing loudly, “You like that don’t you”. You can feel blush creep on your cheeks, you want this to continue. You nod to him. Out of his pocket he takes a knife, your breathing increases, wondering what he was going to do with this knife. Still looking at you, he slowly slides the knife under your shirt, the cold of the blade making you jump. He clicks his tongue, ordering you to stay still. The blade continue its way until it reaches the top of your shirt, you feel the tip of the knife tickling your chin; in one sharp motion, Joker pushed the knife back to him, tearing up your cheap clothes. He does the same with your bra but this time he’s almost considerate like a craftsman working on his sculpture.

“So fucking pretty”, he flattered looking down on your exposed breast. Releasing your hands and setting the knife aside, he takes off his jacket and throws it away. Now he slowly opens each button of his shirt, taking pleasure in seeing you hypnotized, your eyes hungry. But impatience is growing in you, you want to play too. As soon as the last button is off, you quickly sat back, taking him by surprise, yanking him beneath you, kissing him hard and messy, caressing his naked torso.

You lift your head looking at him in the eyes, you can tell he’s intrigued. Your hand comes to slowly caress his cheek, a small grin appears on your face as you think about what you’re about to do. Then, you slap him with all the strength you have, he groans ready to return the favor “That´s for pushing me out the other day” you cooed, finishing with a grin. He burst into laughing, you shut him up by smashing your lips against his, his moans muffled in your mouth.

Taking advantage that you´re distracted, he makes the both of you tumble off the couch, your back and head landing hard on the floor, his hands go to your pants, taking it off, you help him by lifting your hips and pushing the clothes out of your legs. You can feel his erection hard against his fabric rubbing along your spot. His hand slides along your body to arrive to clit, he’s being teasing circling around your lips, alternating the pace but never going directly to your soft spot, gosh you hate him right now, you can’t help but move your hips to lead to more satisfaction. “shush, don’t think that I’ll give you satisfaction just yet…”

His mouth goes to your jaw, your chin and never to your mouth, your craving for him to kiss you, feeling his tongue play with yours. He gradually increases his attention between your legs, finally taking care of your sweet spot, even sliding fingers in your wet pussy. You can feel yourself coming close, closing your eyes, your whole-body trembling. But then Joker stops his marvelous work, your body twitches, looking for more, you were so close. He giggles at your state.

“I’m going to remind you exactly who you belong to”. He whispers, nibbling your nipples, sucking them, tightening his teeth around their tip.

“Then mark me” you find yourself asking, panting. You were always his, time to make it official. You see him reach for the knife, planting kisses on your chest, he chooses the area below your left breast. As he applies pressure, you feel the blade piercing your skin, slowly sliding like dancing on your body, he is carving his name in your flesh, you close your eyes, biting your lip, the soft burning is relieving, forgetting your frustration. Your mind follow your senses, first the J, then O, K is making you wince a little, more painful, E, finally R, you release a shaky breath, satisfied by the sensations it gives you.

The clown collects some of the dripping blood on his fingers, licking them with his tongue, then putting them in his mouth, tasting you one more time, closing his eyes in delight. His fingers dance once again on your sensitive marks, almost burning. He accumulates more blood on his thumbs, and lay them on the corners of your mouth, painting a smile on your face. You want to kiss him so bad, you straighten yourself to reach his lips, griping his hair roughly. But this time the kiss is tender and longing.

“Scar me; I am yours as much as your mine.” He asks you against your lips, his pupils dilated, he’s looking at you intensely, determined and serious.

You position yourself to be sitting on his lap, you take the blade, his hands are resting on your hips, caressing your butt cheeks, you brush your lips against his torso, posing wet kisses on his collarbone, yes, the perfect spot. Gently you engrave your name, he closes his eyes, rejecting his head back, softly moaning your name. It looks perfect, your name on his skin, until the end.

When you’re finished, he lays you down, a devilish smile appearing on his lips. Unbuttoning his pants, he lets out his throbbing erection, you gulp in anticipation. In a sharp movement of his hips, he penetrates you, making you gasp of pleasure, your frustration surging back.

Then, his hands are in your hair, yanking them so tightly. You arch your back underneath him. He gets hold of your bottom lip and bites it, hard; you drag your nails even deeper in his shoulder blades, trying to leave marks for him to wince tomorrow. His thrusts inside of you are fast, hard, violent, his breath coming in big ragged gasps. You wrap your legs around him, gripping his hair, pushing him further and deeper into you, you bite his lobe as you breathe and moan of pleasure in his ear.

“You belong to me you get it?” he groans, his voice husky, reinforcing his statement by rough thrust, making you cry out.

“Y…yes Joker…” you manage to articulate, you were coming close again, this time he doesn’t stop, increasing his speed, his fingers gripping your thighs.

“I’m gonna come, fuck…” he moans is head buried in the rook of your neck, muffling his groans of pleasure, you reach climax before him already overstimulated, your body jolting, he follows you a few seconds after, breathless, he collapses on you, his head resting on your breast. The both of you are laying like that for a couple of minutes, trying to gain back your senses. ‘Well that was something’ is the first thing that comes to your mind, making you giggle, you kiss the top of his head.

“We can’t stay here…” you say after a while. His answer comes out as a sleepy groan, you smile, he already had a plan, for the first time you felt free, free of the world, of your own rules, and happy.

#joker #joaquin phoenix #arthur fleck #arthur fleck x reader #joker x reader

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anyu-blue · 4 years ago

Text

Busy as a bee

*sigh*

I had this big long thing typed up.. it's all gone now. That's twice it's happened. Let's see if third time's the charm.

It was about my trying to figure out how to talk about the shit I've been going through without just dumping it all on someone and having it be totally unjustified too...

I'm mad at my dad. I'm mad at Tevs... I'm mad at myself.

Basically...I'm frustrated that I'm seen as so much lesser than everyone else.

I know it's like 'no you're not!! You only think you are!! They love you!!' ... I've been smacked both literally and figuratively for saying 'you guys treat me different/unfairly compared to x'... But.. gods at this point I. Just. CAN'T keep believing them or telling myself that when the evidence is right in front of me. I feel like I must have done something REALLY BAD and BIG for everyone to pull away so hard... But at the same time... I... Can't figure what it is or how. I've asked too, but the closet I've gotten to an answer is 'You're too much, Meek.'

I know I sorta... Became a worse recluse than I was (kinda I'm response to that. Trying so hard NOT to be too much)... But I kept telling and telling and telling I was available and offering what I could and more... I kept trying to deal- if I need something I would provide in return, just name the price... Did I forget or fail to follow through with something? Or something? No one can think of anything to tell me that didn't have a legitimate reason if ever I did (as good as or better than they have given me) that I shared up front and sometimes in advance with them. I even went into detail about what might happen if I am asked for help on a bad day- I tend to be a bit grumpy if woken up, but will still be there to help and will apologize for any harshness as I am going about it. I do that- but... Nothing.. and every single person has offered and practically forced (in W0lfie's case) all of the stuff I've asked for onto anyone but me. Need help finding/getting a good word in for work! Sure!! *Gives me links to indeed and Job service sites I'm already on/refuses to say my application is in the mix for positions at their workplaces or downright says they don't know if I'm a good worker even though I gave them my sick day and late count and all that fun stuff to pass off or downright doesn't tell me there's a good opening they know about*

Oh such-and-such is happy where they're at? So-and-so Can't hold a job because they keep quitting? *Gives information about good jobs and puts in a good word for them and sticks their neck out to get them hired.. is surprised when the offer is rejected by the family that says they're already okay with their current work or the unreliable friend they got hired quits*... Oh woe is me, I need help and there's no one to turn to!! *Refuses to call me knowing I have the day off, have my phone on, and have said I'm free that day... Asks literally every other person even the ones that demand payment for the job or can only do a part of it.. or just ends up doing it themselves by dropping another important obligation instead of calling me*

The most common excuse for that last one is. 'oh I didn't want to make you more stressed.'

Um... I offered? I was here the whole time? What...?

*sigh*

I suppose I wouldn't be thinking of that stuff or be so upset by it all except for the fact I'm told these things and then I'm shown (and told) this last week people think I'm EXTREMELY lazy...

My dad and everyone else wants me to/thinks I should work more than 3 days a week... Or should get on disability if it's 'that hard.' Obviously they've never tried and seen THAT shit show... I have looked into it. Not only have I gotten treated like something to be disgusted by friends, family, medical professionals, and jobs alike (because it's oh so despicable to be on social security while young and spry- even though I have medically frail on my damn chart I'm apparently 'young and spry'- fuck you) when I've tried to pursue it, also being on it ISN'T a cake walk.. the restrictions. The WORK you have to do (and the work you can't do!! I'm right in the middle and technically can work too much for disability, but not enough for getting by on my own). The shit you have to go through... My own therapist told me some programs I could pursue would put me further behind where I am and I could possibly never get out... And she was the one that pushed me to get foodstamps, so it's not like she thinks they're hooey...

My dad thinks me working 3 days a week and refusing to do more lest I break down all the time is just.. lazy.. unfortunate... Stupid. He wants me to take all these homeowners and car buying and loan classes... Like I'm EVER going to be able to afford a single one of those things.. or think it's a good idea to throw down $25-$150 a pop for a class, let alone spend 8 hours taking one (I'd love to and think they're amazing things, but uh...)... Like somehow it'll 'convince' me to 'work harder'.

DUDE.

What.

The.

FUCK.

Is WRONG with you?!

I get it... I seriously can't work more days a week. If I do, I completely spiral out of control from the pressure as well as the guilt from spiraling and and.. you get the idea. I just do. I know I do. And I found my balance in 3 days on.

It's pretty easy to think 4 days off are, well.. 4 days off. 4 days to play. 4 days of freedom. But... I make things... I've made two blankets already. One more I'm working on.. usually AT work because I'm so busy. Birthday gifts. Christmas gifts. Holiday gifts. Trying to do commissions too to get more money in. Also.. em... I'm usually awake during the day to.. make appointments because my health is just a mess.. helping the friends that HAVE asked for help... Running errands because I can't at night (partly due to Covid changing everything's hours)... Or if I HAPPEN to get to.. I'm sleeping because I'm on a night schedule.. at night if anyone had need of me I'd be right there!! But guess what, THEY are sleeping. If I actually have a night off (which I haven't in nearly a month now because I CAN go over to my friend who needs help's house at 5 in the morning.. after I drop W0lfie off at work or I'd be there sooner.) I'm DOING things. Wednesday itself happens to be dedicated to FIXING my sleep schedule that I screwed doing everything my sisters need or want me to do during the day... It's up to ME to screw MY sleep so THEY can get or have what they need/want... Never mind they refuse (with legitimate reasons) to do the same for me (though I have legitimate reasons I could say no as well, but ooooh I'm the 'bad guy').

*rubs face* I'm so busy my mind and body is screaming at me in pain. Sooo lazy 🙄

But yet I'm shit because I refuse to work more.

Idk what it is, okay? I. Don't. Know. Maybe it's the fact that I'm Autistic and something overloads that hasn't been address like ever and so has only gotten worse (this is my guess), or the PTSD is doing something (my therapist's guess--- which not to derail but WHO ELSE IS IN THERAPY IN MY FAMILY?! you want to guess? That's right, NO ONE... No one is even TRYING to deal with theirs, and I don't just mean the pandemic. Big sister had it as bad, if not worse than I did. Refuses. Dad and step mom knows they do. Little sister scared. Little bro disinterested. 'There's no time' or 'costs too much' despite several having free sessions available to them via their job and Heath insurance- with multiple options- and everyone but little sister making more than they ever have in their lives on top of relying on others to pay any bills they can't keep up on... GRR).. or something else that just makes me become such a wreck. I hate it more than anyone else, you know.. because I have to live with it AND everyone telling me how lazy and lucky and entitled and how 'much' I am.

...

And you want to know what sparked all of this?

Tevs worked a 12+ hour day that ended up having me woken up by the cats that hadn't been fed.

Let me explain... Tevs and I got into it badly after I was continually deprived of sleep because she was working so much and blaming me for 'making' her deal with stuff at home I didn't even know were problems. She continued to explode and explode and treat W0lfie and I TERRIBLY after work as well AND continually told our other friends and family she so desperately needed a vacation and LESS work, and just kept pulling 10, 11, 13 hour days she didn't have to... All while not eating or drinking or having bathroom breaks... and I was DONE with it. I have and had offered to do more, just need to be directed on what needs to be done that I can do while they're asleep (duh) so she had no leg to stand on there... With the rest... She promised to not work more than 10 hour shifts (agreed upon because I have a 10hr shift at work with no breaks too) AND to either let us know in advance if she was going to be late so I could feed the cats, or have someone do SOMETHING to get the cats fed so they weren't deliberately jumping on me to wake me up... You know.. communicate a little more. Do a little better so she wasn't killing herself working. She promised.

Well..

Apparently (new information to me) a promise and Tevs giving her word.. are two different things. Promises don't matter. Giving her word had weight.

What. The. Fuck.

So MY getting upset this last week that not only was she working more than 10 hours... Not only did she not tell anyone about it.. not only did the cats come to wake me up (after I had FINALLY fallen asleep a short while before due to just how BUSY I was that day, and it was Wednesday 😭)... But she also REFUSED to speak to ANYONE and tell her where she was/that she was safe- completely and deliberately ghosting everyone... Until she showed up at my dad's house 12+ hours after the start of her shift in which she didn't eat, didn't drink, and didn't use the bathroom for the entirely duration..

...

I was told to back off. That my upset was unfounded. That I was just like our horrible mother and I was just trying to control her life.

Does that sound right to you?

It does to my dad. I would wager my step mom. All of their friends. And of course Tevs.

Nevermind that W0lfie was just as freaked out and upset... That she actually has a front row seat as to what I go through now/how hard I try to be kind and careful and respectful and relaxed and NOT controlling and finally gets it... And that she's now directly effected by all of it too... And agrees this is MESSED UP as hell...

No.

I'm shit. I need to work more. I need to move out and be on my own. I need to not rely on anyone. I am 'too much'.

Where did it all go wrong?

I now understand exactly why I felt and still do feel unloved. It's because of this stuff... I got smacked and told I was never alone or on my own.. that I had so much support and help... but.. well.. yes I was. My mind and abilities and more belittled or looked over in favor of others to bring up. Everyone is guilty of doing this to me in my family. I won't go into details because it's a lot. Many times.. many bad ones... Often I was told my reality wasn't the truth too. How is that supportive? I appreciate every bit they have ever done for me, but trying to point out where they fell (just like all people do).. I'm suddenly the most ungrateful thing ever.

My own parents rely on each other AND a third party (their son) to pay the bills... My dad's siblings both live with his parents... My step mom's family members live with each other and rely on one another to get bills paid.... Not a single one is forced or really suggested to go room with randos if they can't do it on their own. It was brought up to W0lfie that it's an option for her this last week... But guess fucking what she got that I didn't AS WELL as that.. "We'll always have a place for you here."

I did get that when I was younger and nearly kicked out for refusing to tell my mother I was Trans. I eventually caved, but, HA they didn't believe me. That mess was sorted out.. messily and I got to stay... Lucky me... Not to mention the fact that only NOW I might finally be able to just accept it and not closet myself for the sake of everyone else because I'm THAT done.. yay therapy. I'll accept being non-binary because I can never actually be a man the way anyone around me will ever accept or believe.. but I'm not accepting 'being a woman'. Screw you peeps XP

...

I don't get that kind of support because I'm their eyes.. I'm too much. Should be able to do it on my own. Too lazy. Too awful as Tevs has managed to paint by completely omitting important details.. I can't say things in a few words. I just can't. Because this is exactly what happens... But regardless.. that's all she ever shares. Just enough I'm a monster. I'm sick and tired of it.

Reminds me...

My dad and mom and the rest of our family would never get birthday gifts or holiday cards or anything if I wasn't around. Same with our siblings. I remember. I make. I remind. I push. But... They don't even know about that. About what I try to do for them that gets twisted to look like it's all Tev's doing because I often can't make it to deliver it myself... And when I do idk.. I guess I do it wrong or something because it's so... Blah of a response.. like they think I'm NOT responsible for it and just taking credit... That hurts. A LOT.

...

I'm going to try. One more time. Once more. With Tevs. Give her one more chance to make and keep her word. To not bulldoze and make excuses and talk me up like some sort of unreasonable monster if/when she doesn't... And one more chance for my parents to hear me out. Get the full story. Get my feelings and experiences in return. On Monday I might have a chance to lay it all out. Maybe. I want to try. And if I get the same treatment.. well.. I think they might just be cut out of my life if I finally make it out on my own like they want. (Hopefully something income based will open up for me.. hopefully... I'm considering looking into a different city altogether to well and truly get away from them.. but that would depend on getting a job too.. bluh)

Ah that's a another thing too though.. the thing is.. I CAN work. I CAN pull 7 days a week, 16 hour days without spiraling!!! Making. I am a crafter. If making dresses or cosplays or embroidering or making blankets or trinkets or... If I was able to do THAT.. I could work and work and work no problem... Maybe even drawing..

But with the stress of this job and my other obligations, I can barely touch those things to even get started... Stick in the rut.. and materials are so expensive if I need anything extra I hit a roadblock... Totally locked in... And it breaks my heart...

I'm not lazy... I'm in the wrong job 😞

#personal #random #life in general #stress #life #long #rant

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danksimstho · 4 years ago

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Johnny invited Ophelia, Ripp, Chloe, Lola, Pascal, Lazlo, Vidcund, and River Smith, but only Ophelia, Ripp, and River showed up. It was a small party, but his Mom and Dad we’re there. Jill was loving the party, not letting herself think about Johnny’s approaching departure.

After spending time cavorting with his family Johnny went out to the porch and found his guests. He chatted with Ripp and Ophelia on the porch while River went on in and danced with Jill.

Eventually Johnny had to vent all his nervous energy so he asked Ripp to dance. He was paying particular attention to Ripp since he was planning on moving in with Ophelia in college, so he knew this time with Ripp was important.

They played video games and Johnny was awesome with them as always. Ripp never complained about not knowing the game, he just smiled along and enjoyed playing with his friend.

Ophelia had just gotten a big style change, thanks to moving on campus. She had a bit of her aunt’s money to rent out student housing and she already used some of it on hair extensions and getting someone to braid them. Johnny and Ripp thought she looked so hot they were almost intimidated. She had also reached a growth spurt and was tall and fierce. She looked so confident you couldn’t tell she had bad anxiety and was worried about why her boyfriend was seemingly distancing from her.

“Are you gonna miss your sister?”

“Yeah, I might miss her most of all. Who’s gonna pick on her if I’m not around? Who’s gonna stick up for her? Who’s gonna teach her all the stuff a big brother does? I hope they invite me over often.”

“You’re gonna miss her more than me?” Ripp asked. “You bet your sorry ass I am! She’s my sister! I love her to bits!”

“I’m sure its gonna be hard on her without you. I know its gonna be harder on me and Buck now that Tank’s off to college.”

“Tank went to college? Where to?”

“La Fiesta Tech.”

“Damn, that’s the same one me and Phe are going to. I’ll probably see him around, then.”

“Well at least you’re in student housing, so he won’t be at your dorm.”

“True.”

The party ended and the guests went home, so Johnny hugged his father goodbye and Jenny waved him off as Ophelia joined him in the taxi.

“I’m so happy you’re here.” Said Ophelia. “I was really nervous living on my own. I’m not used to the quiet. It’s so much warmer in this house, I haven’t shivered in my sleep. There’s not much in the house but I’d still like to show you where everything is.”

“Sure babe. I think I’m gonna love living here. I mean, you’re here, right? What could be better?”

“Just check out the rug under the bed! I know how you love sports cars…”

She lead Johnny to the bedroom and showed him where she put everything, then she brought him to the bathroom and showed him his toothbrush.

“Dear Diary” He began. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it? It’s been so long that I aged up and moved out to college. I’m in my first semester at La Fiesta Tech and I’m living with my highschool girlfriend, Ophelia. You remember her. After Ophelia stepped up her look I decided to wear something less baggy. “This sounds silly but I didn’t want people to think I was her loser boyfriend. There’s another alien here, I caught sight of her on campus. She had short black hair and long winged eyeliner. Even more strange, she had alien eyes. But it’s Strangetown, or well, near it anyway. The campus on a whole seems pretty Liberal, comprised of a fair amount of counter-cultural students. I think I’ll fit in great here, although I might need to set up a better space for outdoor parties.

“Whenever we get the chance I think I’d like to go clubbing. There’s a lot of community lots around here for the students to gather and I love meeting new people. Plus, there’s dancing, and I’m wild about that. “I heard there was a breakdancing club somewhere on campus? Maybe I can get into that at home. These student loans are kind of crushing us, though. I’d love to get a job but there’s not really time for one. Maybe I can write home for some more money.

“I found out mom quit her job on my birthday. How are they gonna take care of Jill with two stay at home parents? At least Dad gets retirement checks. Maybe it’ll be alright.”

Ophelia had loved reading ever since she was a kid, escaping into worlds unknown, then coming out with knowledge she could share with others. She thought Literature would be her perfect Major. She navigated to her school’s home page and registered her major.

“Hey honey I just got done registering my major, have you decided on your yet?”

“Nah but I don’t want biology, that’s for sure.”

“Why not?”

“You know, the students might wanna poke n prod at me.”

“What about literature? That way we can have all the same classes.”

“Mmm… Maybe. It was one of my top picks but I’m just not sure yet.”

“That’s cool, you have time to figure it out. Well, as long as you don’t switch mid-way or later.”

“I’ll try to remember that.”

“So… It’s our first night together in our new house.”

“So it is.”

After they talked some more Johnny invited his mother over to see their new place while Ophelia made dinner. She was so proud of him and happy to see him.

“You’re all grown up now!”

“I know, mom.”

“It seems like yesterday you were my baby boy. You looked like a little green squid, your father and I were so worried, but now you’re all grown and healthy and strong.”

He flexed “Yep, super strong! I can beat up any burglar that comes here!”

“Oh I don’t want to think of any burglars! You both barely have anything to steal.”

“That’s kinda rude mom, we’re trying our best.”

“I know, dear, but you should have at least taken your desk from home.”

“Jill uses it more than I do. I thought you could make use of it. I definitely don’t need another bed, me and Ophelia are sleeping together.”

“Oh I suppose you would. But what about Ripp?”

“Huh?”

“I thought he might move in with you after he goes to college.”

“Well, between you and me mom, he’s kind of failing highschool.”

“Oh, that’s a shame. He’s such a talented boy. It must be all those fights he gets in.”

“Err… Well… He’s not exactly picking the fights. He’s being bullied.”

“Have I heard of this bully?”

“I’d rather not say, mom.”

“Alright, alright, don’t tell your mother anything, see what that get’s ya.”

Johnny rolled his eyes.

“You’re so silly mom.”

“I am. Hey, are you too old for a… tickle monster?!”

Soon enough it got late and Johnny and Ophelia retired to bed. The next morning they were both rested but stayed in eachother’s arms to enjoy the morning.

“This is my ‘Phe’s making me Breakfast’ Dance”

“Sweet moves.”

“Thanks. Whatcha cookin’?”

“Toaster pastries. There’s not much in the cabinets unfortunately.”

“Ah. So It’s Pasta and Pancakes, eh?”

“We’d be lucky to get pancakes.”

“I’m used to my dad’s cooking. He was always really good.”

“I bet he had a lot of time at home to work on those skills.”

“You might be surprised. Alien kids can be a real handful.”

“I hope not. I’d like to have some own of mine someday.”

“You would?”

“Yes, I love children, and I love you.”

“Well, I love children too, but… We should give it time.”

“Ideally we’d finish college first.” She said.

“What about Ripp?”

“Are you asking if I want human babies?”

“No! I mean, if Ripp does move in with us, how will that work with kids?”

“I can’t imagine it would be all that different. Could be better than a two parent household. Three heads are better than one.”

“I don’t know if he want’s any. He’s always struck me as the type who can’t be tied down.”

“He loves kids, Johnny. He’s been looking for a proper family ever since his mom left.”

“You too, huh? I mean, when your family died….”

“I don’t want to talk about that.” She frowned. “Food’s ready.”

“I’m sorry, that was insensitive of me. I shouldn’t bring stuff like that up without a warning.”

“Well I talk about it in therapy. I’m excited to get to see my therapist more, now that I’m paying for it.”

“It’s still your aunt’s money.”

“What she doesn’t know won’t kill her.”

“Thanks for the breakfast, by the way.”

“You’re welcome. Do you wanna cook next time?”

“Sure, I’ll cook supper. I need to get better at cooking for class anyway.”

“I don’t need cooking skill for my classes but it might be good for motherhood.”

“Always thinking ahead, my girlfriend.”

“That’s not true. You keep me in the moment.”

They shared a peck.

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#sims story #the sims 2 #strangetown #johnny smith #ripp grunt #ophelia nigmos #sims 2 jro #sorry i didnt finish this i have to upload it because my word document isnt working anymore #sims 2 story

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sooghostwriter · 5 years ago

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Chef Soo. Three meals a day

Pairings: Do Kyung Soo x OC (Nameless, but I refuse to use Y/N)

Genre: Romance, AU, fluff, slow burn I guess. A molecule of angst.

BREAKFAST: Lemon Pie

The coffee owner and the baker

An important part of opening a cake shop/coffee shop was having an actual baker. She only had the good ideas and the money.

Fives chefs applied to the job and only one of them was smart enough to bring a taste of his cooking. Kyung Soo arrived with a lemon pie that tasted like heaven. It was also her favorite sweet. A match made in heaven. She hired him on the spot.

And she thanked that decision every day.

If she had to describe Kyung Soo in one word it would be an ant. Working none stop, focused on his job and a great team player. He was quiet and a bit serious, but he was her voice of consciousness. Whenever she came out with an idea that was unusable, he would tell her, with a lot of respect but stern. In other words, this is stupid, don't do it. Although sometimes that made her feel restricted. Because yes, macaroons were expensive and hard to do. But they were in trend. And a cake covered with macaroons could tempt anyone. It would be expensive, but she was sure they could sell at least two cakes per day. Or two cakes during the weekend “What about the work involved? Personally, I haven’t had good experiences making macaroons, and if we make them, I would have to neglect something, like the Mille-Feuille that sells great during the weekends” She felt smaller and smaller sitting on her chair. She knew he was right, of course he was. But her vision! She has seen it on her mind, a round cake covered in sweet almond pillows in pastel colors, maybe with some edible glitter on top “I know you have this Pinterest image in your head, and I can see it too, but we can’t risk that much yet, maybe in a couple of months…you could get another chef and they could be in charge of more complicated sweets, but for now, I don’t think we can do it” “I get it Kyung Soo, thank you for your honesty” “Are you ok? You look very disappointed…I mean…I could..” “No, don’t worry, Kyung Soo, you are the chef you know better than me, and I like that you are like this, just…don’t be so bland about it, this is my dream and I’m happy because it’s working, so I may get excited about it” “I’m sorry” He looked less stoic when he said it. Apologetic. He patted her shoulder and went to take the muffins out of the oven. The day Kyung Soo came to work for the first time they spend an hour talking. She shared her vision for the coffee, a cozy, calm and familiar place where people went after work when they didn’t want to go out with their coworkers, where a mom could go and read a book after leaving the kids with her husband, maybe where students could go for the wi-fi and regain some energy for the last class of the day. Of course she wanted to gain money, after all, she quit her job, took all the money from the unemployment insurance, sold her car, the jewelry her grandmother gave her and took a loan so she could open her coffee shop. She told him that for now, they needed to focus on flavor and quality. A small assortment of sweets to buy, and a menu of sweet things to serve like crepes and pancakes. He was immediately on board. He came up with the menu and the tarts, cakes, cookies, and desserts that they would sell. The first month was slow but steady, the second month was better, but not what they expected. By the third month, things took off. Kyung Soo’s Eclairs were always sold out by lunch, the Mille-Feuille cake needed reservation and people bought the chocolate mousse in bulks. They were extremely busy, but every day they reached their goal of the day. Kyung Soo worked as hard as she did. She never asked him, but she always had the feeling that for him this was his business too, his dream. Or at least he treated her dream has his. They were a perfectly synchronized team.

By the sixth month, she had already paid the loan. Just a couple of months and she would be able to hire a couple of people that could help Kyung Soo, now he had to do magic with his own hands and a part-timer. They grew closer too. Very slowly. Kyung Soo wasn’t distant or cold, but work was too much, and the only relationship they could have was a working relationship. Friendship was impossible when they were busy building up the business, cooking, fighting with the suppliers and putting down small fires, figuratively of course, except for one time. But under those circumstances, you end up knowing someone better than you know yourself. You end up getting used to that person’s company, voice, presence even his little habits. Like how he would tight his apron after putting something in the oven, or the cute face he made when whipping cream. She knew them all, since her eyes searched for him most of the time.

By the end of the year, Kyung Soo was interviewing someone for the position of baker. But the situation was better than what they expected, so they hired two new people. Kang Jisoo was a great patisserie with expertise in food styling “She can be in charge of the pretty sweets” Kyung Soo told her when they were going through her CV. She beamed in excitement. Jisoo was going to be Kyung Soo’s right hand. One of the CV’s caught their attention. He was also a baker, but he had an internship in France making bread “People keep asking us if we sell bread” “Can we hire him?” He asked with controlled excitement. She gave it a little thought, she liked the idea, but she was thinking on giving another use to the extra money they were making “Kyung Soo, actually, I wanted to give you a raise” He looked at her warmly, and she felt it all over her body. His eyes were always so expressive, he didn’t need to say anything. He was grateful “Thank you, but I can manage for now with the money I make, let’s hire him, and you raise my pay later” Kyung Soo was expecting something like that. Not because he wanted it, but it was something she would do. He heard her talk about it with her mom once. He could always hear her conversations in her office due to the glass door. She told her how she thought Kyung Soo wasn’t getting paid what he deserved. But she told him once that they were a team, they were in this together, and he promised himself to support her in this dream. So if now the right thing was to hire two new bakers instead of raising his paycheck, so let it be. So on Monday, the lovely Kang Jisoo and the bright Byun Baekhyun arrived, ready to start working. Kyung Soo took Jisoo and didn’t release her for the rest of the day. She did the same with Baekhyun, they came up with an assortment of 6 types of bread and his schedule. That day after a long day at work they went for dinner. They were very tired but excited to survive their first day at work. At one point in the night, she saw her new two coworkers with motherly eyes. They were cute, cheerful, with such a great disposition and most importantly, very talented. She caught Kyung Soo looking at his new coworkers too, stopping at Jisoo for a long second. She was surprised by how that made her feel. --- Since Baekhyun arrived, her mornings were more energetic. Baekhyun’s shift began at 5 am and ended at 2 pm. Since he was in charge of bread, those needed to be done during the morning. She arrived at 8 am, and was welcomed by a nice loaf of warm bread and a coffee that Baekhyun prepared for her. She got to share a lot with Baekhyun. He was the typical happy go lucky guy, who was always chirpy and who’s second language was flirting. Not on purpose, it was just part of his personality.

Byun Baekhyun was the typical energetic guy. He was always laughing, always making everybody laugh, your instincts would always tell you to like someone like him. And he has won her trust and friendship in a matter of days. Kyung Soo was always jealous of guys like him. He was so jealous of Baekhyun. But it was impossible to hate him. He enjoyed being around him, although they didn’t have a lot of time to share he enjoyed watching him. But he didn’t enjoy watching her laughing with his jokes. He never made her laugh like that.

It was Friday and Jisoo asked them if she could leave earlier for a friend’s birthday. They looked at each other and nodded at her at the same time. She was still young, she deserved to party, she commented as Jisoo left “She is a couple of years younger than you, don’t be so dramatic” He answered with a chuckle. She giggled with him, and Kyung Soo was sure this was the first time that happened, and he felt stupidly proud of himself. It was time to close and they were the only ones left working “Like the old times” He commented. He was right. It was like the old times. She couldn’t believe that her little but ambitious dream was going strong. The income now was steady. The coffee shop was never empty and Kyung Soo’s cakes were very popular. She stayed at the door of her office looking at Kyung Soo washing his hands. She knew she was looking at him lovingly, but he wasn’t paying attention so she allowed herself to do so. Their time to leave was closer, but she didn’t want to leave yet. She wanted to be with him a little bit more “Hey, I got emotional all of the sudden, wanna go for dinner, also known as drinks?” She asked as soon as the idea formed in her head, so in that way her common sense wouldn’t get in the way “Sure, let me go change” Kyung Soo dashed into the dressing room and left her there in shock. This was the first time they would go out together. They went to the usual spot where the four of them would go for dinner after a good week of sales. Kyung Soo ordered fried chicken and she went for a bowl of ramen. They ate in silence, a comfortable one. She took a spicy wing from his plate and he ate several spoons of broth from her bowl. The place started to get packed and the buzz in the air made them began to talk. It started with work talk, plans for next week, the menu for the coming summer, and the possibility of changing one of the providers “How do you feel about Jisoo and Baekhyun?” He asked her, moving the empty plates aside, resting his elbows on the small table “Great, I think we made a good decision hiring them, are you ok with Jisoo?” “She is perfect, she works diligently, her cake designs are terrific, and she is very nice to be around” The word Perfect kept resounding in her head “Baekhyun is good too, he makes amazing bread and he knows how to use the coffee machine” He commented, but it sounded very robotic “I’m always the one making coffee, so is nice to be served for once” Kyung Soo came to the realization that the only time he cooked for her was when he made that lemon pie for his job interview. He was her right hand, she put all her trust in him, and he couldn’t bake her a simple cupcake. He would change that as soon as possible. He couldn’t allow Baekhyun to win. He immediately felt embarrassed by his childish thought. They stayed there for an hour and a half talking. As always, about work, but there was something more. He took advantage of the situation, the atmosphere and the sensation he got from having her so close, smiling, joking with him, sharing with him. He felt hopeful, and when he went back home, for the first time he allowed himself to…imagine.

She arrived the next morning ready to fight with a couple of suppliers and to work on finances. Those were her least favorite things, but she was the one in charge of them, and she was kind of good at it. She was halfway done with her first task when Kyung Soo knocked at her glass door and went in “I brought you this” He said, leaving a mini lemon tart on her desk “For the old times” He said, not meeting her eyes and turning around quickly, disappearing into the kitchen. She grabbed her tart and bit into it without the need of a fork “For the old times” She mumbled to herself, giggling. She remembered with effervescence that afternoon when they met. She wondered if she liked him from that very moment. When she noticed that he was smart enough to bring a sample of his baking, to the interview to become baker at a bakery. Maybe her standards were too low.

As Kyung Soo was beating the eggs for the merengue of the lemon pie, he began thinking about her. He has been doing so since last night. Having a one on one time with her was unique, to say the least. On his ride home, and then on his morning commute to his job he kept recalling those first months working with her. Her determination, her strength, her curiosity. The times he could hear her from her office being passive-aggressive with the fruit providers. Or every time he arrived and found her sleeping at her desk. He wished he was caring enough, or brave enough to have made her coffee when that happened, to bring her a freshly baked donna. Baekhyun would have done it for sure. He also remembered the days he left work, just to come back to pick something he had forgotten and found her crying in her office. Always out of frustration or fear. All those times that he saw her so vulnerable and hurt he wanted to hug her. His arms itched to reach her and pulled her into his chest. To take the worry away. Just pass some of his calm onto her. But he was never brave enough. What they had was too precious to risk. Was too new to risk.

But then one day he realized that it wasn’t too new, but old. His feelings were well settled in his chest, and he had lost time. He could risk things now. But she was looking at someone else now. He would have to live with the craving his arms felt for her.

--- That Friday they had a terribly busy morning. And they would have some problems for the afternoon too since Jisoo cut her finger and was currently at the ER with Baekhyun. She left the part-timer on front and went to the kitchen to check on Kyung Soo “How are you doing? Need any help?” “Yes, I need to finish decorating these cupcakes, someone is going to pick them up in an hour, could you do that so I can take care of the orders?” She could do that much. She rolled up her sleeves and got to work “Wait!” Kyung Soo stopped her, holding one of her arms. He pulled a scrunchy from his right pocket and turned her around, sliding his fingers in her hair “What are you doing?” Her voice was a bit higher due to the surprise “You can’t do this with your hair down, so I’m braiding it” She stood still. Although she was sure her hands were shaking. She was sure this was the closest he had ever been. She was sure this was the first time he was touching her. His fingers brushed her neck burning her. His movements were a tiny bit clumsy but efficient. “You are good at this” She commented, trying to relieve the tension “I have practiced a lot with Jisoo, she always forgets to pull up her hair” She closed her eyes and released a long sight. He was already so close to her. Of course, they were. They work arm to arm, moving around the kitchen like a unit. But she and Kyung Soo also functioned as a unit. For a long time. Sure, she wasn’t a chef, but they were partners. Not officially. He was a worker, just like Baekhyun and Jisoo. Bur for her he always felt like more. He built the menu and signature of the coffee shop. People went there for his cooking. This coffee shop belonged to both of them. -- She arrived the next morning and found Baekhyun moving around the kitchen slower than normal “You look blue, is everything okay?” He sighed heavily, resting his body against the wall “Not really, You think Kyung Soo hates me?” “I don't think he knows how to feel that, why are you asking?” He walked with a heavy step to her side and rested his head on her shoulder like a gloomy puppy “I try to get close to him the little time our schedules overlap but he is so cold with me, he laughs but is always a shy laugh, meanwhile, Jisoo almost chokes to death the other day because of something I said” “He is very stoic” She tried to divert his line of thoughts “No, he kind of ignores me and I want to be friends with him, he is so cool” “You want me to talk to him?” He lifted his head and went to the dressing room with slow steps “No, what are you going to tell him anyway? I just hope he doesn't have a bad image of me” She followed him patting his back, understanding his feeling. She also wished Kyung Soo could give her more attention. “Good morning” Kyung Soo arrived, greeting and walking past them, into the dressing room “See?!” Baekhyun pointed, shaking her arm “Yeah, that was a bit cutting, you make us some coffee, I will check on him, maybe there's something going on” He nodded pouting and went back to the shop. She knocked the dressing room door, asking him if he was dressed “Yeah, come in” She opened the door and walked in, looking around, being nonchalant “Hello there chef” “Hello boss” She stood behind him and notice him having trouble tightening his apron “Let me do that, is everything alright?” She asked him as she tightened the straps around his waist “Yes” He answered, his voice low “Everything alright with Jisoo?” “Couldn't be better” She made a double knot and tapped his shoulder telling him she was done “Everything ok with Baekhyun?” “Sure” “You like him?” He sat down, taking off his shoes “He is great, although we don’t share the kitchen that much, why are you asking?” “No reason, just making sure everything is ok” “Sure, ok, then if you are done, I need to change my pants” She turned around quickly and left the room. When she went to the front of the shop, Baekhyun had already served three coffees and had a plate with a loaf of bread and butter “He says everything is ok” “You think he would tell you if he hated me” “I trust he tells me everything, so yeah, don’t worry Baekhyun” “Ok, if you say so, you think he would come to have breakfast with us?” She went to the back again and invite Kyung Soo to have breakfast with them. Kyung Soo accepted and when she arrived with him, she saw how Baekhyun’s imaginary tail began wiggling.

When she asked him to go and have breakfast with them, he really wanted to say no. He had some things to do, and also, if he could avoid seeing them act like old buddies, he would do it. But her questions in the dressing room told him something. She wanted to know how he felt about Baekhyun. He knew she cared about his input about everything, and if she wanted his approval on Baekhyun, she would have it. He liked him after all. He was a good guy. And share breakfast with them could be good.

----

She was talking over the phone with her lawyer when Baekhyun knocked on her door. She gave him a signal to come in and he sat at her desk waiting for her to finish. She was about to end a 20 minutes long call to ask her lawyer what she had to do to make Kyung Soo her business partner. There was a lot of paperwork involved and a lot of visits to the public notary, but it could be done if they both wanted it. She hadn’t asked him yet. She didn’t know how. She hung up and Baekhyun asked immediately what was she talking about since he could hear the last part of the call “I’m thinking about making Kyung Soo my business partner” “He isn’t already?” “No, but he is my right hand, this business his almost half his in terms of development and success, so I want him to have a part of it” Baekhyun looked lost “What are you talking about?” “What?” “I thought you and he had something, no?” She felt her cheeks blush “No, no... Why would you think that?” Baekhyun moved on his seat awkwardly “I don't know, there's always this weird tension between the two of you, and you guys are always business business business, but you are all the time stealing glances from each other when the other is not looking, and when you talk you guys are always way too close” His voice lost volume by the end of the sentence “I.. We just..” “You don't have to explain anything... But I may have told you something that you didn't know, so I better go now” She tried to stop him, she needed to know about this weird tension and the stolen glances, but Baekhyun was quick and left the coffee before she could reach him.

----- One Monday morning she got an envelope from a tourism website informing her that the coffee shop was selected as a “One of the coffee shops to visit in Seoul”. The four of them went for dinner that night to celebrate. As always Kyung Soo took care of grilling and serving, always putting more meat on her plate. When Baekhyun and Jisoo complained he said “She’s our boss” His voice was serious, but he was grinning. After a bunch of beers and maybe half a pig she was ready to go. She told the rest they were free to stay and handed her card to Kyung Soo. She got up and Baekhyun grabbed her wrist, stopping her “Let’s share a cab” She agreed gladly, she hated the idea of riding the taxi alone in those conditions.

Kyung Soo felt sick all of a sudden. They were so friendly. They were so friendly since day one. And he was aware that Baekhyun was that kind of person, even he felt close to him the first time they met, but this was different. Baekhyun knew where she lived. He had known her and been working with her for more than a year and he still didn’t know her address. Meanwhile, Baekhyun was holding her arm to help her stand up. It was over for him.

He had lost his chance. And Baekhyun took his.

-----

She had a good night of sleep that night. She woke up before her alarm went off and the warm water reached the perfect temperature. On her way to work, she didn’t meet a single red light and the coffee Baekhyun prepared for her was especially good. She greeted Jisoo at the kitchen and ran into Kyung Soo when he walked out of the dressing room. She greeted him happily because she was feeling happy and seeing him added to the feeling, but he only nodded at her. It was like a bucket of cold water. All her happiness faded away. Not even in his worst days he had been so cutting. Why was he acting so distant? She tried to convince herself that she was overreacting, reading too much into it, but during the morning she realized that she wasn’t. Even Baekhyun noticed it. Before leaving he commented to her between whispers “Did you say something to him?” “No, no that I remember, Did I? Something happened last night?” “No, nothing, when we were there everything was alright, we talked a lot and laughed with everything I said or did, he even poured me several drinks, and then we…oh crap” Baekhyun mouth formed a perfect ‘o’ “What? What is it?” “You don’t get it? I’m sorry, I feel that this is my fault, at least part of it, ok… I need to go” He grabbed his backpack and left in a hurry, without giving her the chance to ask for more. She cursed at him, still clueless of why Kyung Soo was acting like this, and only with her. That day they had to close the coffee shop early due to the cut of the water service. By 6 the shop was empty, everything washed and ready to close. She arranged everything at her office, moving languidly around the room, still sad about Kyung Soo’s cold shoulder. She wanted to go home and cry maybe. She didn’t like it, she hadn’t heard his voice all day long. He didn’t come to her office not even once to ask her to call the suppliers, or for her to taste something. She was going to steal some donuts from the refrigerator, go home and cry on the shower maybe. She was about to get her period, she was especially emotional, that’s why she allowed herself some self-love. She almost got a heart attack when she walked into the kitchen and met Kyung Soo with his jacket on, reclining against one of the counters, his head down, looking at his hands. When he heard her, he looked up, and hold her stare for a while “Can we talk?” She couldn’t find her voice, so she only nodded and walked next to him. She was terrified. She knew there was something going on with him, and his face of worry and shame prove her right. She wanted to make him feel better. To get rid of that dark stare, help him. Maybe this was the right time to talk to him about becoming business partners, maybe like this, his mood could improve “I need to talk to you about something… I have been thinking about this for a while, is an idea that in the last months has been developing in my head” She saw her hands shaking. She knew he wasn’t talking about a cake or a change in the menu, no one gets so serious to talk about that, not even him. Her last boyfriend said some similar words when he broke up with her. Those words, with that voice and that somber disposition never meant something good. Kyung Soo was about to tell her something terrible “Are you ok? You went pale all of the sudden” She looked up from her hands and found him looking at her face, his hand so close to her cheek she could almost felt its warmth. His entire semblance changed. He was still serious, but worried, his eyes big and round scanning her, searching what was disturbing her. He asked her a couple of times and she didn’t answer until she felt slightly better and under control “I…it’s just…you have been acting so weird today, and now you are being so serious now, I can’t tell why… I’m terrified” She was sure she wasn’t crying, but she heard her voice break. Finally, finally after months of craving it, he grabbed her face with careful hands, caressed her cheeks down to her neck and shoulders and pulled her into a hug. He held her by the nape, his right hand sinking in her silky hair, and his other arm held her softly, pulling her against his chest as close as he could. She rested her head on his shoulder, her arms went around his waist and although his hug wasn’t tight, it calmed her down a little bit. She felt him speak. She felt his breathing against her shoulder but couldn’t hear what he was saying. She let go of him and searched for his eyes, but he didn’t meet hers “What did you say?” “I’m sorry” “For what?” He let go of her, his arms falling from her back to his side “What I was going to tell you is that…I have been thinking about moving jobs, maybe is time for me to move on” Her arms went to his waist again. This time her grip was tight. The panic his words caused her stirred her with desperation. If she had to stay like this, hugging him for the rest of her life so he wouldn’t leave, she would do it. She kept asking him not to leave, begging for him to stay. At first, he just let her be, he hugged her too, rubbing her back trying to calm her down, but it came to no avail. Kyung Soo grabbed her arms and unclasped them with a lot of difficulties. He called her name, trying to calm her down, but she held to his arms, still shaken by his news “This could be good for me, and for you too, Jisoo will stay in charge, she cooks the kind of things you like, and maybe a new chef with a new approach could be better for the coffee shop” She was in tears, her lips shaking as the air left her mouth in short and quick puffs. He got worried about her, he felt guilty too “No! No Kyung Soo, you can’t leave me, this coffee is what it is because of you” “Is not, this is your dream, I just helped you” “No, without you I couldn’t have done this, you are my chef, you are my partner Kyung Soo, please don’t…” Kyung Soo took a step back releasing himself from her grip. He looked unsettled, shaking his head, his eyes saddened “Just that? You want me here just because I'm your chef?” “What do you mean?” She asked, cleaning her tears with her sleeve. Kyung Soo took a deep breath after another until he could speak calmly “That's the only thing I am to you right?” She looked into his eyes for a long time. Kyung Soo now was being inquisitive giving her back a stare that intimidated her because she felt naked in front of him. She was sure she never showed her adoration in front of him. She was always professional, they were never flirty or platonic. They did trust each other and talked a lot, but she never felt anything from him, and she was sure she never showed anything more than admiration and respect towards him. She needed to change that “No! No, you are more” Build up the braveness to say more than that was harder than she would expect. “What am I then? And please don’t say your business partner” She noticed in his voice that they were equally desperate. They were equally frustrated and scared about what was happening. There was a lot to lose with this conversation. She could confess and lose her chef and a friend. But if he was so decided to leave, she needed to share with him how much she had fallen for him, because she loved him. And if he decided to leave after her confession and not look for her ever again, at least she got to tell him how she felt. She just wished she could have told him sooner “Kyung Soo…you are all that, but since always you have been my friend” He closed his eyes sighing in frustration “And I love you, I just… I love you so much, you can’t leave me, please don’t leave me” She finished with a string of voice, her hands in fists, her eyes closed, scared. Kyung Soo took two long steps whispering her name, and as she looked up, he cupped her jaw and covered her mouth with his own. She gasped and it was the sweetest sound he had ever heard. Kyung Soo grunted softly in return as he dragged his fingertips along her jaw. Kyung Soo’s lips were soft and warm, but calm. It wasn’t a hungry kiss or desperate. He was testing, keeping himself in line. Despite the shock, she still thought she could spend the rest of her days kissing him without getting tired of it. He pulled back just far enough to let the air back into their lungs. His eyes gazed deeply into her eyes, asking for permission, although it was a bit too late now. She closed her eyes and he couldn’t resist too long away from her. He tilted his head catching her breath, and this time he kissed her with intensity. Intensity that she matched. The kiss itself was more tentative than anything, mostly because they were both unsure of what was going on. But she was the first one settling it when she caught his lower lip and suddenly sucked on it. Kyung Soo’s warmth was almost suffocating, and she wanted to taste it. He encircled one arm around her waist, placed the other hand on her nape as if locking her with his body so she wouldn’t leave him. He didn’t want to hold back anymore, he wanted her, he loved her, and she loved him too. Now it was the time to make up for the lost time. Her hands were on his shoulders, his neck, his arms, the sides of his face. It was desperate, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care about the tiny frustrated sounds spilling from the back of her throat. She didn’t care that he was leaving her. He was quitting and leaving her behind. She backed away, looking at him wildly “You…Kyung Soo, you…you are lea…” He moved quickly to grab her by the nape, tugging her close so they could rest their foreheads together “It’s ok, I’m here, I’m not leaving” He breathed, stroking the back of her neck tenderly. She still looked fairly terrified, her pupils blown wide and shaking all over, but completely still in his hold “Kyung Soo” She called again, but he shook his head and moved his other hand to stroke her cheek softly “I love you” He whispered, although he knew it was not enough to reassure her now, even after the kiss “You really do?” “We kissed” He whispered against her lips, feeling stupid by saying that, but his mind couldn’t form better words. His fingers caressed the sides of her mouth and god, he wanted to do it again, wanted to seal his mouth over hers for another taste, just to feed that need he has been feeling for months. But he held himself. Instead, he took one of her hands and placed it over his chest, the spot where his heart was beating like crazy. Closing her eyes, she let her senses take over everything, wondering for how long she has been feeling like this, if this is what falling in love feels like, if this is what he feels like. She called his name again, and Kyung Soo called hers. They giggled together, feeling some of the tension dissipate “And…and what does this mean?” She stuttered "No idea" He whispered, and they giggled again. She knew what this was, he knew it too, so she leaned in and kissed him again. When they pulled apart and she opened her eyes she found him smiling brightly. He grabbed her by the waist, lifting and dropping her on the counter. She hugged his shoulders and rejoiced in the feeling of his arms holding her “You are not leaving right?” “No” “Why did you say that?” His ears went red and he looked down ashamed “I thought you liked Baekhyun, and I just couldn’t go through that” She called his name softly, feeling sorry for him, “Just to be clear, I don’t like him” “I know now” She made him look at her again, rubbing his nape “That’s why you were so cold to him?” He nodded, looking at her again “Ok, make sure to be nicer with him ok? He was very sad because he thinks you hate him and he really likes you” Kyung Soo’s eyebrows went up funnily “That’s why you asked me if I liked him?” “Yeah” “I thought it was because you wanted my approval to date him” She was shocked to hear that, and also felt incredibly guilty “Kyung Soo, for how long have you being suffering?” She caressed his face, kissing his cheeks “Kiss me some more so I can forget about that” She grabbed his cute face and kissed him softly, like a caress, an apology. Kyung Soo pulled back from the kiss, his hands moving to her thighs “What you wanted to say before?” She looked clueless for a while, not quite remembering what happened before. She took half a minute to go over the most recent events “Oh yes! I had a proposal for you, here” She grabbed his hand and jumped down the counter, walking with him to her office. If she was lucky enough, after that afternoon she would get a new boyfriend and a new business partner.

The End

Notes: Please, some feedback.

I think the next story will be up in two weeks. Miso.

#do kyungsoo #exosnet #Kyungsoo #d.o #kyung soo #d.o fanfic #d.o fluff #exo fanfiction #exo fanfic #dokyungsoo

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fizzingwizard · 4 years ago

Text

very long very personal

of course it’s okay, I wouldn’t have left this public if it were a big deal, but I’d still prefer no comments on this.

So my mom messaged me the other day asking if we could chat because she “had some questions.” So I already figured something was up, because usually she doesn’t give a reason for wanting to chat, just wanting to talk is enough. I was trying to guess if “some questions” meant something very serious was going on or if she had questions about whether I’ll be able to go back to the US for Christmas this year, since last time we talked I said probably not because of covid-19.

So I felt like I didn’t want to put this off, but also did? lol. So I couldn’t make myself call last night, so I called this morning when it’s night for them. ” It seemed casual, but I could see a stack of boxes behind her. My first thought was “are my parents moving?” And at first my mom’s like, “Yeah, we decided to sell the house, so I wanted to ask you about some things of yours I found. I’m like oh, okay, probably anything left there is trash because I haven’t looked at it in 10 years (uh, though there were a couple things I wanted to keep >_>; also a mountain of books >_____>;)

and then she goes, “So yeah, the reason we’re selling is because your dad and I are splitting up.”

and I’m like, THERE IT IS.

she said it soooo casual-like and several minutes into chatting. I’m sure because it’s an awkward thing to suddenly bring up. The thing is, before I called, I was planning to tell her that if there ever was some big news to share, I’d rather she warn me in a text message first. Like, “I’ve got some news that may be difficult to hear,” some such, doesn’t need to explain anything, just tip me off to be prepared, because that’s what I’m like. At work I never fully accept compliments because the feeling of reassurance that I’m doing well leads to me being blindsided when something goes wrong. So I try to always keep a mental balance, like “I’m glad X went well but that doesn’t mean everything is good” or “Too bad Y didn’t work out, but that doesn’t meant everything is shitty.” This is what helps me not go crazy and feel a bit in control. I wish I were a happy go lucky person for whom bad stuff rolls right off, but it doesn’t, at all, so I try to manage it the best way I can. I never feel truly happy but I never feel truly sad.

And the reason I felt like I needed to say something to my mom is, this isn’t the first time something like this happened. When I was in college, both of my parents got into a car accident - the same accident, but separate cars. They were both okay, but the cars were ruined. They didn’t tell me until weeks later. Same thing happened when my brother got sick and had to be hospitalized. He was there for weeks dealing with some pretty tough treatments and my parents were very stressed. And they didn’t tell me anything until it was all over with. I get that they didn’t want me to worry, I was in college and far away and couldn’t have done anything, and I also get that they were busy themselves, but I still want to know. For me, worry is not half as bad as being shocked afterward. Maybe my parents would prefer it the other way, but not me. I have told them this before but I guess it doesn’t stick. Every family is dysfunctional and I guess being bad at sharing bad news is my family’s dysfunction. Among many lol.

so I had basically just decided there was no real bad news to worry about and was preparing to let my mom know how I’d prefer she tell me if and when there is, when she drops this bomb on me. Like it’s no bomb at all. “Oh, you’re surprised? Your brother wasn’t surprised at all,” she said. Both my parents say the reason my bro’s not surprised is because he lives close by (and lived with them for many years until just recently) and I do not. While I’m sure there’s some truth to that, the real reason is totally that my brother Knows Everything and is Surprised By Nothing. And how I know that, is that I’m not surprised for the reason my parents think I am. They think I’m surprised because I didn’t know how far apart they’ve grown. But LOL. I know. I’ve known for a VERY long time.

The reason I’m surprised is BECAUSE I’ve known for a long time. I figured it out when I saw how other kids’ parents interact and compared it to mine. I figured it out when my mom started telling me things about her and my dad that probably she shouldn’t have told me, but I can’t be bothered to worry about it because my dad’s really provoked it, I mean REALLY provoked it. And my dad doesn’t dish dirt on my mom, but that’s because there isn’t any :P It’s a lopsided relationship in that way. What my dad has done is tell me how he really feels. How he’s so grateful that he has my mom and would be alone if not for her, and how he’s sorry for how he behaves when he’s upset and doesn’t want to lose what he’s got.

So, YEAH, I knew that my mom was not happy in her relationship, but any time she talked about it she always seemed anti-change. She wouldn’t lay down the law with my dad when he said things, she always followed him as the “head of the house,” and I couldn’t even blame her, I’ve seen both of the men in my family treat her pretty horribly for sticking up to herself so small wonder she doesn’t do it more. What I thought was, if she’s going to leave my dad, she’d have done it ten years ago, as soon as we kids were out of the house. She didn’t. So I’m mostly just surprised it’s finally happened!

And she says it’s all amicable, they’re staying friends, they’ll still see each other at holidays, etc. She said it all with a smile. In my head I was thinking, “I’m sure that’s true for mom, but what about dad?” Because Idk how much of the things my dad tells me he also tells my mom. I always got the feeling that dad felt I was his confidante in the family. Because I’m a good listener and I don’t tell secrets. There are things my mom dad and bro have all done that I have never told anyone in fifteen years.

And my dad has made it clear many many times that he does NOT want to live alone, does NOT want to be without my mom, etc. And I always complain about his super negative, “world is ending” politics which has just been getting worse - apparently he’s also been saying things like “I’m going to die and the world will end” etc stuff like that, and the talk about him dying is new. For me it’s an alarm bell, but no one else seems concerned. Not that I think my dad’s planning anything, but I mean more, he’s always been the depressive type, and it doesn’t seem to be getting better, and now having no one but himself for company... I think it’s going to make it even worse. Right now their reasoning is, they barely see each other anyway even while living in the same house, so what’s gonna change? But it’s completely different sharing a house with someone and not seeing them often and living completely alone. It doesn’t seem that different but it really is.

So my mom finishes telling me that everything’s fine and they both want this separation, and a little later my dad walks in and he says “Yeah, we’re splitting. I’m the type of person who should live alone. I don’t want it that way, but that’s how it is.” He said it casually too. My mom just went quiet. But the casualness was different from my mom’s. She seemed like “okay, I’m doing this now,” while he seems resigned. So yeah, basically I’m not worried about my mom, but I don’t think my dad totally realizes what this is gonna be like for him, and I’m really nervous about it. It gives me all sorts of bad feelings.

But to be clear, I don’t blame my mom for ANY of this. Not for wanting to separate, not for my dad’s depressive personality... none of it. Like I said, I thought she’d separate from him ten years ago. I love my dad, and he does have many good qualities, but he is difficult to live with. As a kid I overheard lots of arguments. Used to wonder if they’d divorce. Only reason I didn’t take it more seriously was because both of my parents come from bad homes, my mom’s parents divorced, my dad’s didn’t but he always said he wished they had because it was so toxic having them together. My parents seemed to value their relationship because of how shitty their own parents’ relationships were, so I thought that was what was keeping them afloat.

But on top of all that, my dad did some bad stuff with money. A few bad things. I don’t know all of it, mom says it’s between her and my dad, but my hope is that whenever I go home to visit at her new place, she’ll tell me. Of course I won’t push for it, but it’d be nice to have the whole story, because knowing what I do is already enough to be weird and confusing. Also my student loans appear involved (my parents are co-signers). Anyway, what I do know is that some bad money decisions were made and then my dad did a lot of lying and disrespectful stuff when my mom found out, and won’t apologize or admit he did anything wrong. My mom’s known about this for at least a month and he wouldn’t apologize the entire time. This seems to be the final straw for my mom. She seized control of the finances and though she didn’t say so, there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s the one who decided on the separation. She says she doesn’t get paying for a house she feels like she’s living alone in, when she doesn’t need such a big place just for herself, so she might as well sell and move somewhere cheaper.

Again my mom is not responsible for my dad’s metal health. She’s spent pretty much her whole adult life supporting him and not gotten all that much in return. For her, I think this is the right move and she’s going to be happier. For my dad, it’s a huge change and not a good one. Still nothing like my mom’s fault - if anything he brought it on himself - but I just feel like I’m looking into a crystal ball and it’s just my dad sitting alone in his trailer watching right wing political videos and eating junk food. Maybe forgetting to take his diabetes medicine, etc. He doesn’t even have a job so I’m not sure how that’s gonna work out. In your old age you hope you have someone who cares about you and helps look after you. At the very least you hope you have someone to talk to when you come home. I’m glad he’s supposedly going to be close to his best friend, and his best friend is a really nice guy who... may need to prepare for seeing my dad every day now? idk. But I’m grateful for that at least.

My mom will be a free bird, but it’s hard to imagine this being anything like freeing for my dad. Maybe I will turn out to be wrong. Idk. My dad’s sister is also a divorcee and has been living by herself for decades. She has a lot of loner type quirks because of that, but that’s alright. So maybe it will be okay, it will turn out my dad is really comfortable living alone after all... I wouldn’t have doubted that because he does like to be alone, it’s just the other stuff - the money, the jobs, the food, the medicine, etc - that kind of stuff I’m worried about. My aunt also fills her home with animal companions. Oh, just realized I forgot who’s going to keep the dog. Probably my dad... though of the two of them, the dog’s def better off with my mom, who actually takes her for actual walks. But my mom’s never really wanted a dog and only had one because my dad wanted it.

I mean story of my life right??? My mom doesn’t want a thing, but does it because it’s what my dad wants, he doesn’t take care of it, so she does! Rinse and repeat. For years and years and years.

When my mom told me about all this I said “Okay, I don’t want to talk about it right now but I’m glad you’re both happy.” And she was like why don’t you want to talk about it? Well for all these reasons that I could never say to their faces.

for them it’s been their marriage, for me it’s been my lifetime. There are so many things we did together. Even when my dad made his stupid music CD with the god awful cover he designed himself, and wouldn’t accept my mom’s input even though she’s a graphic designer, ya know, she does it for a living... Those kinds of memories. I know I’m sentimental as fuck. I just told my mom to throw out all my old drawings and notebooks that I was keeping from when I was a kid because it doesn’t mean a thing to me anymore. Life changes, things change, and as much as we want to carry it on with us, we just run out of space.

haha now im crying, how stupid

there’s another reason as well but I just deleted it because I’m secretive lol.

time changes and we change, and we can survive any change... but we may not like it. it may not feel worth it. idk. i don’t know if my existence is worth it. I know my parents love me and I’m personally happy on a daily basis, I’ve been lucky that while I’m hardly a peppy cheerful type, I don’t seem prone to depressive episodes like my dad and brother. So it’s not about “I shouldn’t have been born!” or nonsense. But maybe in a wiser world, my parents would not have married each other. Maybe they could have been happier. Idk.

this would all be a breath of fresh air if I could feel like it’ll be as good for my dad as it will be for my mom.

anyway I really needed to get this off my chest. again I don’t really want “aw dont worry my parents are separated too” comments. I respect what everyone’s been through and I know I’m hardly suffering here relatively speaking. but I’ve always been a melodramatic journaling type so I just had to write it down.

#personal

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jennygirl2014 · 5 years ago

Text

Just Deserts-Chapter 2

(It’s finally here! Sorry for the delay! I didn’t proofread or edit yet, so please don’t hate me, I will fix it up later. I just wanted to get it up. Thanks for reading!)

Chapter Summary: Tawney goes over to Ransom’s for the first time, hoping to keep it professional. But of course the arrogant asshole has to try and get under her skin.) Warnings: language, some mild racism.

Chapter 2

“This guy could be a murderer.” Kira’s voice carried over the kitchen. She was busy getting her station set up for the day, having just arrived. Meanwhile, even though it was only a little after ten in the morning, Tawney was cleaning up her mess for the day. “Or a rapist. You don’t know. Call him up and tell him to shove his deal up his ass.”

“And how else do I pay to have the car fixed without insurance?” Tawney replied as she placed the last of her dishes in the industrial dishwasher. “He was gonna call the cops!”

“We could have a bake sale. You know people love your desserts. We could raise the money somehow.” Kira walked over, wiping her wet hands with a rag.

“Cupcakes aren’t going to fix this, Ki.” Tawney finally looked her friend in the face. “Besides, I don’t even have his number.”

“Even more reason not to go!” Kira fussed, “Seriously. You’re signing up to be some creepy stranger’s house maid.”

“It’s just cooking and baking. How else can I pay to have a freaking Beemer fixed?”

“A Beemer? Fucking rich dickhead…” Kira scoffed.

“If things get creepy, I’ll leave.”

“You better. And you better not let him talk down to you. If he does, slip something extra into a pie or something.” Typical Kira.

Tawney knew her friend meant well, and she had every right to be concerned. The truth was, Tawney really was nervous about the whole thing, but she didn’t see any other options at the moment. After she had managed to get home the night before, she could barely sleep, between the adrenaline, the guilt, the anxiety of the unknown, and also not having a working air conditioner. She still managed to roll out of bed and make it into work, extra early, at 2AM, just to be sure she could leave to get to this stranger’s house by noon. Her lack of sleep was likely clouding her judgement as well, but she didn’t have time to worry about that. She was just grateful that her boss loaned her a spare key and that he had given her permission to go in so early.

She had to use her GPS to find this guy’s house, which meant keeping her phone within sight, something that she was terrified over after how using her phone while driving had resulted the night before. During the drive she was scolding herself for agreeing to this, this guy, Ransom, was a complete stranger. Hell, he could have been a real perv, especially after how he jumped at the idea of being paid in other forms the night before, something that was not on her mind at all. But he was a good looking guy, he was likely used to women just dropping to their knees for him. Well, that wasn’t who she was. And once she pulled into the driveway and finally saw this guy’s house, she was sure he was used to having all sorts of female company. He was secluded, his house hidden by a wall of trees, yet practically the whole house was made of glass. So many windows, so much to see, and like there was nothing he had to hide. Just stepping foot into this house, she was going to feel exposed.

Her car rattled into a spot next to his and she parked it. The damage on his car really wasn’t as bad as hers had been, and she eyed the scratched up side of his car before she fought with the broken handle to release the door to get out. Every foot step up to his door made her heart pound harder, and her knife bag felt heavy as it hung from her shoulder. When she was close enough to press the doorbell, she froze, thinking. She still had time to run away, she could turn back and race out of there without him even knowing she was there. How would he know? How would he find her? Maybe she could get away with this whole thing, no service required.

Just as she started to weigh the decision in her mind, the door swung open and there he stood, the same man from the previous night. His blue t-shirt fit relaxed on his broad frame, but it still showed off a certain physique that caught her eye. Hell, her eyes fell right onto his chest, and she instinctively held her breath. “Good, you found the place. I saw you walking up.” He spoke as he opened the screen door and held it open for her. Of course he saw her, all those windows. She still stood in place, like her feet were cemented to that spot on his top step. She had a sinking feeling about stepping past that threshold, something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. “Are you going to stand there, or are you going to come in?” he grew annoyed. She put her guard up and stepped in past him.

Her eyes scanned the place. Was this the place of a murderer, or a rapist, or a crazed pervert? It seemed more like the palace of a man who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, a man without a care in the world, but all of the expectation. It was big and spacey, and it made her feel so small, like she was being swallowed up. His furniture was leather, the hardwood was perfectly polished, and the smell in the air, dark and masculine, like pine, fresh and clean. She did not belong in that house, standing in her already stained chef coat, wearing the sweat and smells of working eight hours in a kitchen. This was all too pristine, too high class. She felt vulnerable.

She turned to him, to see him in his own habitat, and she was slightly alarmed to see him just standing there, eyeing her. She gulped and wet her lips, not knowing what to say, or how to even speak in such a situation. Luckily, he handled that first awkward moment for her. Not to her surprise, this man likely has no sense of shame.

“You look like you came from work.”

“I did come from work.” She replied.

“Oh.” He shrugged it off, like working a full day before going to a second job was nothing. “Come on, I’ll show you the kitchen.” He walked ahead of her and led her into a large open kitchen. The countertops were marble, there was an island range and two ovens stacked into the wall on the far side. Everything was dark rich tones with pops of stainless steel, perfectly collaborated. This was her dream kitchen, a kitchen meant for hosting and cooking large elaborate meals, and it looked like it had never been touched. He had no idea how lucky he was, or how much she envied him at that moment. “My maid, Maria, comes early every morning. She just left, so, the kitchen is all ready and clean for you.” He informed her. Tawney walked over to the island counter and set her bag down, looking around a bit more before opening up her bag and unrolling her tools.

“I clean up after myself.” She told him

“Why? I just told you I have a maid.” He pulled out a stool and took a seat across from her.

“Because I don’t like having other people clean up after me.” She replied as she pulled out a small notebook and a pen.

“Suit yourself.”

“So,” she drew in a deep breath, trying to steady her nerves, and then sighed. “What kind of stuff do you like?”

“What do you mean?” she couldn’t believe his casual response.

“Like…what kind of foods do you like?” she paused, “You have had a cook before, right? I mean, you said that last night. Clearly they must have had some recipes you preferred.”

“Okay, miss sassy pants,” he took a small jab at her before he answered, “I’m a meat and potatoes kind of guy. I like my protein. I’m not a huge fan of vegetables or fish, but I’ll eat them if prepared to my liking.”

“Which means…?” she started taking notes down.

“Nothing boiled. Sautéed is fine, roasted is fine.”

“Okay.”

“I like a good sandwich for lunch. Breakfast I usually handle myself, just eggs and toast, so you’re off the hook there. At least for now.”

“At least for now?” she repeated his statement and looked up to make eye contact with him. “What…what does that mean?”

“It means sometimes I might like a nice cooked breakfast.”

“…I have a job, dude.” She reminded him. “I have to work.”

“That’s not my problem.” He replied with a smug smile. “You damaged my car, which means you work when I need you, or I report it. I’ll let you know ahead of time, that way you can work something out with your boss.”

“I’ll need twenty-four hours’ notice.”

“I was thinking more like a couple hours.”

“No, that won’t work.” She got annoyed.

“Okay, twelve.”

“Fine.” She gave in.

“And don’t call me dude.” He started to lecture her, “I’m not one of your homies.” That one wasn’t going to fly.

“Okay,” Tawney lifted her pen only to drop it and lay her hands on the marble as she addressed him. She wanted him to know how serious she was. “I may be young, and I may have damaged your car, for which I am sorry. But I’m here now, in a professional manner. Which means, I show you respect,” she pointed to herself, “And you show me respect. Now it doesn’t take a detective to figure out we’re from different sides of the track, but…you will not talk to me like I’m some girl from the ghetto. I worked hard to get where I am today. And if you have any qualms about hiring a black girl, you can go ahead and call the cops about your car and then find yourself another cook because I won’t stick around for it.”

Ransom looked at her with wide eyes. But then he scoffed and his expression turned to that of amusement.

“Wow. Okay. Well as long as we’re laying down rules,” he leaned in, “This is my house. I don’t appreciate you showing up in a stained uniform, it looks messy. And if you wanna talk about being a professional,” he tilted his head at her, “See what I’m saying? So, bring a clean one. No blasting music, no hanging out on your cell phone, you’re here to cook. If I had guests over, I’ll let you know, but this contract is extended to them too. If friends are here and they’re hungry, they’re going to get fed. Got it?”

“Fine.” She felt like he was just trying to even the score some.

“And I don’t have any qualms, just so you know.” He tossed that last part out there for affect. There was a moment of silence between them, like they were measuring each other up.

“We got off topic.” Tawney changed the subject back, “What do you like? As far as food.” She clarified again.

“Italian.”

“There, that wasn’t so hard.”

“If you expect respect, then you’d better start giving it too. Missy.” He warned her.

“My name is Tawney.”

“That’s right, I forgot.” He rubbed his chin, “What kind of a name is Tawney, anyway?”

“Family name. What kind of a name is Ransom?”

“You know I’m starting to regret not having you address me as Hugh.” He countered as he cut his eye at her.

“So, Italian,” she came back to topic, “What else?”

“Chinese. Not a huge fan of Mexican. Never been a fan of collard greens or chitlins.” He started to push her buttons again. Tawney realized this was going to be a never- ending battle. He thought he was being funny.

“Dessert?” she refused to let him see her get worked up.

“Oh yeah. I’ve got a real sweet tooth.” When he finished his statement, she caught his eyes scanning her again.

“Custards? Cakes?”

“Cookies, pies, brownies…”

“Is that another cheap shot?”

“What? Saying I like brownies?” he sat back and held his hands out in defense, but the smile was still sporting nothing but amusement. He knew what he was doing.

“What am I making today?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t thought that far. But Maria brought groceries this morning. Take a look around and see what you can come up with.” He stood up from the stool. “Call it an audition.” He turned to walk away, but stopped and turned to her again. “One more thing, don’t go snooping around the house. The kitchen is on this floor, there’s no need for you to go upstairs.”

“Why would I go upstairs?”

“Exactly.” He paused, “I mean, unless you’re invited.”

Dick.

“I’m just fine right here.” She abruptly closed her notebook and turned to get to work.

Ransom walked off into the living room while Tawney marched over to his fridge to figure out something. She figured she would make enough food for him to last two days, he has said three days a week the night before, so maybe she could get away with not having to come again the following day. She found some ham and roast beef for sandwiches, different cheeses, some ground beef, a couple tomatoes and a couple other things. Then she went through the cupboards next, finding pasta, different spices, but not a whole lot. She wondered what his previous cook had been doing, or how long he had gone without a cook. It was clear this guy wasn’t much into cooking for himself. Then of course she had to come up with a dessert, since he had mentioned having a sweet tooth, and really, why not do one? There wasn’t a lot available, but she could figure something out.

“When was the last time you had a cook?” she called out to him.

“It’s been like a month I guess.” He replied from his couch, where he was sitting on his phone. She wondered what rich people did during the day, by the looks of this guy, not much.

“What was your last cook’s name?” she asked another question as she found a bowl in the cupboard and pulled it down.

“Tim…something…can’t remember his last name. He didn’t stick around long.” Then he added, “They never really do.” His statement made her heart sink, she felt like her goose was cooked before she even had the chance.

“I’m going to need more things from the store, eventually. There’s not a ton here.”

“Make a list, I’ll have Maria get them tomorrow.”

“Where does she shop?”

“God you ask a lot of questions.” He turned his head from the couch to shoot her an annoyed look.

“Never mind then.” She retorted and went about her business. “Prick.” She muttered under her breath.

Within a couple minutes, she had prepared him a sandwich with apple slices and some chips. She arranged everything on a plate and called out to him when it was ready. He came over, took it from her, grabbed a can of soda from his fridge and went back to his spot on the couch to watch TV. She figured if he didn’t like ham and cheese, he would say something, and when he didn’t, she figured everything was fine and she was ready to move on with tomorrow’s sandwich. She caramelized some onions for a roast beef sandwich with swiss, and she made a garlic aioli and toasted the bread to keep it from going too soggy. Next came a lasagna, which she threw together with the cans of tomato sauce he had in his pantry, but it was lacking without any fresh herbs. Ransom saw this as he placed his plate in the sink.

“You’re using canned tomato sauce?”

“Well you don’t have a ton of fresh tomatoes or herbs, so…” she trailed off, keeping her eyes on the meat she was browning. When she noticed that he wasn’t walking away she looked up at him. “I can’t make herbs appear out of thin air.”

“Just put it on the list.” He quickly reminded her of the list and walked away. Tawney’s eyes went wide with annoyance, but she maintained her composure.

“How was the sandwich?” she genuinely wanted feedback.

“I like fresh tomato and lettuce on my sandwiches. I would hope that a cook can dress up a sandwich…”

“I’ll put stuff on the list!” she snapped at him before he could finish. The man shook his head and walked off. She puffed out her frustration and rolled her shoulders. He wasn’t making this easy.

The lasagna came out as best as she could manage without the ingredients she would have hoped for. What was most annoying about all of this was that she knew how to make good food, and she wanted that good food on her own table, but she couldn’t afford to live like that. The lasagna with canned tomato sauce was something she would whip together for herself, because it was cheaper. Here he was complaining and it was out of being lazy. Every minute in that house and every minute in Ransom’s presence reminded her of how different their worlds were. The food still smelled good, and it would still taste good, but he was just looking to find fault in all of it. Matters were made worse by the fact that she was exhausted, and that she was starving. Her stomach was rumbling and starting to hurt. It was almost like being teased, making so much food and not being able to eat. When Ransom came over to get a glass of water, he happened to hear her stomach growling. She swallowed her embarrassment and looked away as he eyed her.

“Hungry?” he sounded like he was mocking her.

“I haven’t eaten in ten hours.” She defended herself. Ransom leaned against the counter with his glass of water, watching as she washed up the dishes she had used.

“Aren’t you going to make a dessert?”

“Yeah, I’m just cleaning up a little.” She tried not to make eye contact with him, but he lingered there.

“You can eat something if you’re hungry.” He offered. Tawney was surprised by his suggestion; he didn’t seem the type to allow her to eat.

“I…I didn’t think you would…you know…” she didn’t know how to word whatever it was she was trying to say.

“I don’t care if you eat.” He snapped at her as he walked out of the kitchen. It was odd, like he was angered by her assumption. How else was she supposed to interpret his attitude? She settled on eating an apple and getting back to work.

The lack of ingredients made it difficult to think up a good dessert, but any dessert would have worked at that point. She would have to settle for the idea of wowing him with a dessert another time. The most curious part about making a dessert for this man was trying to figure out why she cared. He wasn’t the nicest guy, and she was there to settle a debt, so what did it matter? It had to have been her love for baking that made her so consumed with the idea of making something special. Afterall, she was in her dream kitchen, and not on a time restriction, she had the chance to make something special. Maybe that was the silver lining in all of this. Yeah the guy was a complete asshole, but she could really flex her culinary muscles in this kitchen. She could perfect a couple techniques that could maybe lead to a better job one day. Maybe it wasn’t all that bad.

It was about half past four when Tawney finished cooking and baking. She was exhausted and ready to call it a night, but she made sure to clean up and leave a detailed list on the counter. As she was putting away her knives and tools, Ransom came back into the kitchen. He looked around, inspecting the space. The lasagna was sitting on the stove and a plate of cookies was sitting neatly on the counter. He then turned to Tawney, as if waiting for her to explain herself.

“The lasagna just needs to be reheated, you can either cut a piece and put it in the microwave or reheat it in the oven. It’s up to you. I made a roast beef sandwich for you for lunch tomorrow. It has swiss and caramelized onions and—"

“You’re not coming tomorrow?” he interrupted her. Tawney managed the coolest face she could muster at the moment.

“You said three days a week. I made enough food that you shouldn’t need me tomorrow.” She explained to him. He huffed and turned to look at the cookies. “These are lemon ricotta cookies. I figured there was leftover ricotta, and you had a lemon, and I couldn’t think of much else. The glaze is lemon flavored with a little zest.” She described the dessert she had made. Ransom reached out and snatched a cookie up from the plate, and he eyed her suspiciously as he bit into the soft cookie. Tawney kept her gaze on him as well, trying to get a read on him. It was like some kind of standoff, like he was trying to think of a reason to make her stay longer or come over the following day. She was worried he may have hatched something in his mind, but when he looked down at the other half of the cookie in his hand and nodded to himself, she figured that was him expressing his satisfaction.

“Not bad.” He gave the closest thing to a compliment she was going to get. Screw him, she knew those cookies were amazing.

“The list is there on the counter. Anything else?” her tone sounded triumphant, and why shouldn’t it? She was proud of herself.

“I guess not.” He sighed, “So Wednesday?” he confirmed.

“Yes, I’ll be here. And in the meantime, please try to come up with a list of go-to recipes.” She politely requested. Ransom dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

“I still need your number.”

“Right,” she proceeded to give him her number and he shoved his phone back into his pocket.

“I guess that’s it.” Ransom excused her, and she wasted no time in grabbing her bag and heading for the door. She was beyond grateful to be leaving. The thought of a shower and a full night of sleep sounded like heaven. She hurried to the door, where Ransom opened it for her, and as soon as she stepped out, he closed it loudly behind her.

Tawney managed to stay awake on the drive home, probably because she kept her foot on the gas and the music blasting. She felt like she could breathe again, like the air was fresher and clear once she left his place. And she relished the fact that she wouldn’t have to go back the following day. She was hoping she wouldn’t hear from him, that he would just ask his maid to go shopping and that would be the end of it. Her phone chimed in her pocket, and she was sure it was Kira making sure she was still alive and in one piece, but she wasn’t going to answer it until she got home. Lesson learned. Once the car was in park and she was only moments away from stepping into her muggy apartment, she reached into her pocket to retrieve her cell phone and read the text message. It was from a new number, someone not in her contacts.

You left some crumbs on the counter. Thought you were going to clean up after yourself.

She could have thrown her phone out the window. Was this man hell bent on getting under her skin? She didn’t even bother texting him back, there really was no need to. He could be mad about it if he wanted to be, but she wasn’t going to waste her time with his nonsense, not while she was off the clock. But still, that message was another reminder of what she was getting herself into, and likely warning of what was yet to come.

“Asshole.” At least she didn’t have to hide her true feelings for him while she was out of his house.

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#chris evans #chris evans fanfiction #ransom drysdale #hugh ransom drysdale #ransom drysdale fanfic #knives out fanfic

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allonsy-yesiwill · 4 years ago

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undergraduate: sophomore year

Pairing: Dean x OFC (Amanda)

A/N:This is a customer piece for Amanda

Warnings: ex-boyfriend being a dick, slightest hint of physical abuse, protective Dean

Amanda knew that sophomore year was going to be rough all around. While she had stayed in contact with Dean over the summer she knew that Logan and his friends were all still going to be there.

Taking a deep breath Amanda walks up to her new dorm assignment and hopes for the best, but finds an empty room. "Well I guess it could be worse," Amanda says to herself. The next few hours she spent unpacking and trying to figure out what she still needed to do before class.

Before she can duck out to meet Dean for dinner the door opens and her heart drops. Logan. "Hey babe, this is your room," he said looking out into the hallway. Amanda froze, she can't move after hearing those words. "Oh great," the bubbly voice outside the door said. Amanda couldn't lie to herself she felt her confidence fall, seeing what Logan was able to pull in after her. She was clearly a member of the cheerleading squad and was not ashamed to show off any part of her body.

"Oh hi, I am Tiffany and this is my boyfriend Logan. What's your name?"

"It's Amanda and I am familiar with Logan, but it's nice to meet you, Tiffany. I was just heading out, you guys have a good night," Amanda said as she started walking out of the room.

Amanda was caught up in her own thoughts when Dean saw her. When he caught up with her she jumped when he touched her arm. "Amanda, I am sorry I was calling your name but you didn't, is everything okay," Dean asked noticing her red eyes. She couldn't talk, just shook her head answering his question and then breaking into tears. Dean wasted no time, pulling her into a hug and letting her cry. He whispers sweet words in the hopes of calming her down.

That's how the year started. After Amanda calmed down they both walked to the spot they originally met to grab both food and a drink. They spent the whole night there, Amanda drinking more than she should have but Dean was there to pick up the pieces.

The first month was the worst, Amanda spent almost no time in her own dorm, choosing to stay with Dean and his roommate Benny. After their first year, they decided to room together the next year and also upgrade a little bit meaning they had a futon under one of the beds.

After some time Amanda felt more like a burden than a friend and finally decided to own this and it didn't matter what the repercussions were. Dean tried to talk her out of it, but she wouldn't listen.

A few weeks later her dorm room is her's again and the funny thing is Tiffany is rarely there. Well, that is till just before winter break. Amanda's sitting at her desk working away, with soft music playing in the background when the door crashes open.

"God damnit."

"Oh hey Amanda, we didn't think you would be here," Tiffany let out separating her body from Logans. It was clear they were both drunk.

"Well I am and I need to get this paper done, so if you don't mind."

"Don't worry Tiff, she was never any fun anyway. In fact, I should probably find that guy that made me realize that and buy him a drink," Logan said wrapping arms around the of Tiffany's body.

"Are you fucking..." Amanda was cut off.

"Oh well the names Dean and you're welcome but really she deserved better and to be honest you probably do to sweetheart," Dean said walking into the room. Amanda and Dean had been texting all day about your paper that was due tomorrow and Dean knew you were going to stay up so he had planned on surprising you with tea and maybe offer some help.

"Wait, why are you hear. Are you two a thing? Oh man I am sorry man, I gotta be honest she was probably my biggest mistake," Logan let out.

"Frist, no just no. Amanda is one of my best friends and you do not get to talk to her or about her like that. Second, when I met you, you were trying to force her into your car so clearly it wasn't a mistake, you were just being a dick. Lastly, I suggest you get the fuck out because I am not leaving."

"Whatever, come on Tiff, my room is empty tonight so let's go over that," Logan said pulling her out of the room.

Amanda sat at her desk with her hands holding her face after they left, not really in a place to think about this. She didn't know it at that time, but that, that moment changed her whole life.

"Hey beautiful," Dean says kneeling down in front of her, " I brought you tea, how is the paper going? "

"I just can't, I can't even right now," the only words that Amanda can get out with her shaky voice.

"You're okay. I am not leaving," Dean pausing rubbing her back. "How about this, how about you take a quick nap and I will give this a proofread. Then we can go from there. How does that sound."

Amanda wipes the tears from her face looking at Dean, "Good, yeah good."

Dean follows through with his word, helping Amanda crawl into her bed. Placing a soft kiss on her forehead before he walked away.

The rest of the year went pretty much like that. Dean always making sure to check on Amanda. Most of the time it was him bringing this school work to her dorm. Either Dean nor Amanda notices the extra touches or the extra time spent together. However, Benny noticed and he decided to see what he could do to make get these two together.

"Hey brother, I was thinking about something," Benny said.

"Yeah what was that?"

"Well, how about we rent a place next year and stay office campus. I already talked to my parent and they said the money they save on the tuition they would give me for rent. Do you think your parents would be game?"

"I think it would be worth an ask."

"Hey Dean, do you think Amanda would like to get in on this. I know her living situation isn't the best right now and I would hate for her to have to do this all over again next year," Benny's words planted seed in Dean's mind. He loved the idea of being able to keep Amanda safe but more than that he loved the idea of having Amanda around all the time.

It took less than 2 weeks for Benny to find a 3 bedroom bungalow, it was small only one bathroom but the price was right. Both Benny and Dean had talked to their parents about the move and they both agreed to fund the living expense granted they both worked over the summer when they didn't have classes.

Amanda agreed to go into the plan however her situation was a bit different, her student loans wouldn't pay for off-campus housing. She had yet to tell Dean however with her classes being done yesterday she was out of excuses.

"Hey beautiful, how are you doing this morning," Dean said sitting down next to Amanda at the coffee shop.

"Good morning handsome," Amadan paused, " um I have to talk to you about something and it's kinda hard. So would it be possible for you to maybe just listen?"

Dean felt his body tense, " Yeah of course."

"Okay, so here's the thing Dean. You have been so great to me and have helped me so much. The fact that I have to tell you this just breaks my heart but there really isn't much else to do."

When Amanda takes a breath Dean speaks up, " It will be okay, whatever it is."

"Here's the thing, I am not in the same situation as you and Benny are. My parents don't really pay for school. I am on student loans and scholarships. And I tried I really tried to find a way to make this work but they won't pay for off-campus housing," Amanda said looking down into her cup of coffee.

Dean can't help but laugh, " That's it. That's the thing that's got you so worked up?"

"It's not funny Dean, I feel bad that I can't help you guys out. I feel like a disappointment."

"Hey, hey, hey none of that," Dean said placing a finger under Amanda's chin making her look at him. "You are my best friend and nothing you could do would disappoint me sweetheart, nothing. Besides, there will be more than enough to cover the place we looked at with just what our parents are paying. Granted it's not a big or fancy place but we would still like you to move in."

"But I can't pay rent, Dean."

"And we don't care. Look Benny and I talked about it. We both kinda figured that something was up with you and we decided that if it was the rent we could make it work. Like I said there is more than enough money and our parents are making us work this summer so maybe you could get one too and have a little extra cash."

Amanda was taken back. The idea of living with Dean alone was enough to bring happiness into her life, but them letting her do it rent-free. She had never been this lucky in her life. " I don't, I don't know what to say, Dean," Amanda let out with a small tear.

"Yes, you say yes," Dean said with a smile.

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#Dean Winchster #Dean x OFC #dean winchester au #SPN AU #spn fanfic #dean winchester fanfic

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wolfpawn · 5 years ago

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I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 86

Chapter Summary - Danielle does not feel well, but thankfully figures it out, leading to more time talking and in turn, repairing the relationship.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long. This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly @salempoe @wolfsmom1

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

Tom looked at Danielle, unsure what to do, she was clearly overstressed with the issue with her aunt and seemed completely out of sorts in general as she insisted she needed to go to bed early.

The auctioneer had confirmed Danielle's suspicion, Bernadette's claim the house and the meagre plot of land with it was worth a hundred and sixty thousand was way off, it was only worth ninety-five. She had gone to the solicitor again with her information and had called her aunt and uncle to inform them before she began to feel incredibly ill. Tom watched as she doubled over, complaining of stomach cramps and a headache.

"Can I get you anything?" He offered pathetically, completely at a loss as to what to do.

"No, I'm fine."

"Elle, you are as sick as a dog."

"I don't know what it is." She whined. "How am I so sick all of a sudden, ever since Christmas?"

"Maybe it's me." Tom joked, earning a groan from her. "What does it feel like?"

"Like what I imagine it would be like if you were to do that scene in Alien where the creature bursts out of your chest, only in my stomach." She explained. Tom winced slightly. "I haven't gotten this in years."

"Wait, you had it before?"

"Yeah, before I got the…wait, I got the bar changed a month ago."

"Right…?"

"I am…shit," She turned around and headed for the door.

"Elle?"

"I need to get to the shop before it closes."

"Elle, are you mad, it's half nine at night and you are sick."

"I'm not sick."

"What?"

"I am not sick, I know what's wrong with me."

"Good, okay, so what is it?"

"I am getting a period."

"What?" "A period, I had to go on the bar because they were so bad, I changed the bar and now I am reacting badly or something because my body is acting like it is not there."

Not wanting to argue, and with two sisters, Tom knew that though he knew something of female anatomy, he was nowhere near qualified to make comment on anything, he grabbed his shoes again. "I am driving." Danielle did not argue.

After getting the supplies they needed and Danielle took something to help the pain, she seemed to become more upbeat…somewhat. "God, I cannot wait to go home." She moaned.

"When do you think…?"

"I have no idea. As I knew would happen, Lourda and Michael cannot afford to buy out Bernadette, and according to the solicitor, if she really pushes it, they may fold and sell it in its entirety."

Tom folded his arms and leant back against the counter. He had only been at the house for just over a day and he loved it, knowing that it meant so much more to Danielle, he could only imagine how she was feeling. "What do you think you can do?"

"I am trying to see if I can get the twenty-five thousand to pay her myself."

"What?"

"If no one else can buy her out, I am going to see if I can, by myself."

"Can you raise that much?"

"I had planned to get a new car, but if I keep onto my one, I can get a loan against my house and then yes, I can."

"How long have you been considering this?"

"Since the moment Siobhan told me she could try this stunt. I always planned to try and convince my family to sell me their shares in this place when I was younger, now I may actually get it."

"So you would then own…"

"My share in the house would be half the overall," She confirmed. "I would keep the same arrangement as is currently here, though obviously, Bernie would lose her ability to have any input in the place."

"Obviously." Tom nodded, he looked at her. "You really want this."

"I do, I love it so much, I have so many good memories here."

"Can I ask about your parents' house, why were you not as interested in keeping that?"

"My parents and I moved three times in my life, so none of those houses gave the feeling this has. Nan's was constant, my parents was where was suitable."

"Do you think you can get the loan?"

"Living in England isn't working in my favour, I guess I'll have to wait and see." She shrugged before wincing again. "I want to Google hysterectomies right now, fuck I forgot how much this hurts."

Tom looked at her sympathetically. "What if this is a permanent thing now, you reacting badly?"

"Jesus, don't curse me like that." She warned.

Tom understood her somewhat, she had tossed and turned for the majority of the night, waking him on several occasions before saying she was going to get some painkillers and sneaking down to the couch downstairs to sleep. He realised her plan after ten minutes and herded her back into the bed, telling her that he would sit in the armchair across from her for the night if she decided to stay there. "Was it always…?"

"Not as bad, but when as I grew more and more, it got worse, and now I am enduring it again, fuck I am going to go through my own weight in painkillers at this rate." Tom pulled her close to him, kissing her gently. "I am sorry I ruined things."

"Elle, you said it was done, so it is."

"But we can't have any fun."

Realising that she was not referencing the argument but her inability to be intimate because her body was doing what it is supposed to do, he smiled slightly. "We will again when you are back to normal, but you said you didn't want to do anything here, so at least this makes sure you stay on that. Also, there is more than one way to be intimate, it doesn't have to be sexual." He pulled her to him again, his arms around her. "I am so glad I still have you my darling Elle." He whispered in her ear. "I love you so much."

"I'm sorry I ran off."

"I'm sorry I rubbished your feelings." Tom added, "Though I am not sorry we came here, it is gorgeous."

"How about you get that shower you wanted and we can head out for a while, I can show you more?"

"Perfect. I will be back in a moment."

"The water should be hot enough by now."

Tom nodded and went to fetch a towel. "Shit, I forgot, Luke said he was going to ring," He handed her his phone, "If he does while I'm in the shower, could you tell him Ollie got onto me and could he double check the TV show confirmation with the film company, he'll know what that means."

"You're lucky I love you." Danielle sighed with a smile, causing Tom to grin.

"I am, I truly am." He agreed, kissing her before going and readying himself.

As Danielle threw together some food as a lunch, Tom's phone rang; seeing it was not Luke, she left it go, the second time it rang, it was Luke, so she answered. "Hi Luke, Tom said you might ring."

"Is he there?" Luke sounded somewhat perplexed.

"He's in the shower, he told me to tell you, he was talking to Ollie and to double check the TV stuff." She recited.

"I did and it is confirmed," Luke answered.

"Should I tell him that?"

"Please."

"Okay."

"I am not prying, but Tom told me you were in Ireland at present." Luke inquired.

"I am."

"So then, he is in Ireland too?"

"Yes, we are at my Nan's place. I had an issue that was stressing me out so he came over." Danielle explained.

"Well, better than the jet-setting fiasco of last summer."

"Well, I don't own a jet."

"I am sure he will forgive you for that; if it is any consolation, he doesn't either." There was a hint of a smile in Luke's voice. "While I have you, I was wondering if you were going to the premiere in London?"

Danielle frowned. "I had not even considered it."

"I am aware you would not have gone as Tom's other half, but there are limited tickets for friends and family also. Tom is getting a few since of course, it is in London. Are you interested?"

"I am not sure, I have too much going on here, I am not going to be in Britain for a few weeks at this stage."

"Oh, I see. Can I ask if it is something serious?"

"Family drama."

"Everyone has that." Luke consoled. "I hope it resolves soon."

"Yes, well, my aunt is going all out on hers, so I m unable to plan anything, and thank you, I hope the same."

"I am sure Tom will ask you also, but if you change your mind, all you need do is ask. Tell him I have his ready for whomever he wishes."

"Thank you, Luke." She smiled. "I will tell him what you said and I am sure he will be on to you again soon."

"Thank you, Danielle, have a pleasant day."

Danielle laughed to herself as the call ended, going about getting everything ready for their afternoon. Several minutes later, Tom came downstairs, wrapping his arms around her, ensure to keep away from her tender stomach. "Luke rang, the TV thing has been confirmed, I told him about Ollie, your extra tickets are with him and someone else rang but I didn't know who it was, so I didn't answer."

"Thank you, love," He kissed her neck. "You make a great secretary." He looked at her for a moment. "I had planned to ask you about going to the premiere, but considering what you are doing here, I said I would not make you feel pressurised."

"I would have, but with my aunt." She gave him an apologetic look.

"I know," he reached for his phone. "It's Odette."

"No idea who that is."

"She is the PA for the Skull Island tour."

"But I thought Ollie was your PA."

"Not for this, he can't make it."

"Fair enough, I will let you call her back and I will get us ready to go." She kissed his cheek as Tom smiled and went on the phone again, thinking to herself as he did so.

#I Hate You I Love You #chapter 86 #tom hiddleston #tom hiddleston fic #wolfpawn

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