#and manipulated and sexually abused and then go on the develop all these fucking issues

[thelonelysoulhome]

Yashiro's hypersexuality and trauma response.

(part 1)

I wanted to write my thoughts about saezuru for so long so I'm finally gathering the time and the courage to . I will try my best to be clear but sorry if it end up to be just me rubling all my thoughts lol.

I wanted to start by saying that saezuru is my favorite manga work by far because of how real and profound the trauma is depicted in it, Yoneda sensei is not just writing a story, she write true emotions that go deeper than the surface, and how trauma in the childhood can change and chape someone's life...(I could go on and on and on but i'll stop here).

This post will be focused on the psychological point of view cause I feel like it's important to be aware of this side to better understand Yashiro behaviors and way of thinking.

(That would probably be long so I will seperated it in different part/post).

Yashiro's sa from childhood trough puberty:

The experience of child sexual abuse can change the way children and young people understand their world, the people in it and where they belong. Their understanding of themselves and the world can become distorted, and create mistrust, fear, and betrayal.

(That why Y is an unreliable narrator, that mean we can't trust what he saying about himself or the things he lived.)

Depending on the relationship and duration of the sexual harm, subsequent relational trauma could affect their ability to connect with others and themselves. Their personality and behaviours might change markedly from what they were prior to the sexual abuse.

Literaly sa in childhood affect deeply and break normal brain development, knowing that the brain fully finish It's development around 25 years old.

Yashiro been raped by his step father for approximately two years starting from the age of ten, the longer the duration of abuse is associated with a greater impact on the child’s identity and the use of force or threat of force are associated with greater harm.

We know that his step dad that raped him violently and repeatedly for this period of time brainwashed Yashiro to think that he liked feeling pain, telling a literal child that dosen't even understand what's going on, that if he feel pain than he would get pregnant and if his mom find out she gonna be mad and abandon him.

It's important to point out that he was so young and clueless that he didn't even understand that it's imposible, but in the mind of a child, if an adult say something then it has to be true.

The manipulative nature of grooming that many sexual offenders use to get close to their victims can cause ongoing thought distortions, self-identity issues, relational harm and isolation of the child.

How horifying and disturbing to hear that for a child ? How much those words shaped the way of thinking and logic of the current Y ? How much of an impact those fucked words disturbed his way of thinking and helped him shape his facade that he lived with for 40 years ?

It's also importent to point out that Y been raped constantly trough puberty, when little child are raped there bodys dosen't react and the only things that they can feel is pain and distress ( things that Y felt at first), but when the body start to change trough puberty the body start to react on his own . A lot of rape victim that had an orgasm during their assault blame themself and feel guilty thinking like " I enjoyed it so I wanted it in a way". Stimuling a grown up person's genital conduct to orgasm, even if it's non consented, it's a mecanical response from the body that never mean that your enjoying or wanting what's hapening(no one was here to explain this to our poor Y).

Now imagine going trough violent and painfull rape while your body is changing and transforming, before you felt pain but now you feel pain but also a kind of "pleasure", imagine how disturbing and confusing it would be in the brain of a young teenager, without mentioning the very plausible conditioning forced by his step dad presumed words "you see you like it" the very famous "but your body says otherwise" that ensure Y in this fucked up way of thinking.

All of this play a huge place to how Y finish by thinking (in his brain that stopped functioning properly) that he enjoy the pain. If he enjoy the pain he would not get pregnant, his mom would not be mad and if he accept the pain than what's happening to him is not that bad anymore, if he make it part of his identity than it's not a trauma anymore it's not that big of a deal and that how he survived.

Yashiro spiraling in self destruction:

Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse may experience sexual disturbance or dysfunction, depression and anxiety. Anxiety, fear and suicidal ideas and behaviour are more likely in instances where the perpetrator used force and threat of force. The age of onset of the abuse, duration and outcome is characteristic of higher trauma symptom levels. The longer the duration of abuse is associated with a greater impact on the child’s identity, and increased survival mechanisms and the use of force or threat of force are associated with greater harm.

Let's list some potential long-term effects of child sexual abuse:

Suicidal ideation: Y ✔ (Y is a passive suicidal he's not attached to death like he's not attached to life)

Post-traumatic stress: Y ✔

Sexual difficulties: Y ✔

Alcohol and substance misuse: Y ✔(cigarette for Y)

Inability to form healthy lasting relationships: Y ✔(this one is very important)

The development of violent behaviour: Y ✔

The development of criminal behaviour: Y ✔

Around the time where Y meet kage he did not see his step dad for 3 years and his mom for 1 (he's around 15 at the time) he is already depressed and fucked up, his all alone and his suffering severe self identity issues, spiraling in self loathing and self destruction by seeking very violent sex as a way to cope with the trauma that never been adressed.

I'll cut here cause it's getting to long see you in part 2.

[winns-stuff]

LO RANT:

I want everyone and their mama to remember that Persephone isn’t actually a grown up. She’s forever fucking 19, I swear I face palm myself every time someone tries to bring that up. Everyone wondering why Demeter is so desperate to stop Persephone going through with this is insane to me because the way I see it Demeter is witnessing her forever teenaged daughter get whisked away into marriage with a man THOUSANDS of years older than her, who in the past has treated her like dog shit and black balled her attempts of rightfully getting title as queen of the mortal realm, has treated women like absolute objects to sexualize and show off to his brothers, abuses his power as king and boss of everyone in the underworld, has shown to have very violent and abusive behaviors and tendencies, has obvious dependency issues, is very obsessive, greedy, gaslighting, manipulating, has a fetish for flower nymphs which Persephone produces and has been stated by the comic to look like them, openly accepts unpaid labor from innocent souls he exploits, and honestly the list goes on.

Bottom line is I have no clue why everyone is not on Demeter’s side. Excluding that stupid ass intervention cause I’ll be honest I don’t even believe that’s actual Demeter, that was literally just a filler chapter to make us ship Persephone and Hades like Persephone isn’t going to be in a dangerous relationship with this man who barely knows her and wants to get to know her. Reread that entire fucking paragraph again you guys because half of it was me stating things that Hades does, so why is he husband of the year again? He doesn’t do anything good for Persephone and he doesn’t even try and change for her. All the changes has been coming from Persephone and her brain isn’t even fully developed yet. And for the folks saying that it’s not the same as humans, I don’t care cause that statement eats balls anyways, if 19 is a healthy and completely normal adult age in god years I’m pretty sure all the gods around Persephone must be fucking ancient because they’ve been there for CENTURIES. I’m sorry but I cannot and will not accept that these literal 10000 year olds will look at Persephone and not see a toddler, if I’m over 100 years old I’m not going to be standing around treating someone who’s barely 19 like some 30 year old mainly because we’re not using our moral or our time scales so that wouldn’t make sense in the first place.

But yeah, Persephone is not mature and although I’m glad some people are starting to realize it it’s still a little odd that y’all are trying to overcompensate her personality and make her seem responsible and put together when she quite literally acts like she’s never left the womb and you can’t blame it on being sheltered anymore at least at this point in the story because Persephone has the most access to knowledge and if she really strived to actually be a competent being in either the underworld or Olympus she would’ve used that smart brain of hers and did some research. She’s literally just an underdeveloped teenager who’s childish and isn’t capable of being 30 years old because physically and mentally she can never age so she’ll basically forever be barely legal. Thank you for reading this bullshit rant I hope many people see it and start realizing this because the way some people just throw the whole 30 years old thing and growth around with her character is atrocious when she’s never made a smart decision in her damn life without someone spoon feeding her the answers.

Of course Demeter would be concerned and scared of Persephone being with Hades since they’re both absolutely fucking terrible for each other and obviously a lot of the people on their “team” don’t actually give two shits about them because if they genuinely did they would’ve never let them meet in the first place.

[redstrewn]

Hey have you ever read about The Dark Triad (Machiavellianism + Narcissism + and sub-clinical Psychopathy)? I like reading about psychology a lot and I suddenly remembered the Dark Triad while thinking about Leander... Especially Machiavellianism. (just some food for brainrot hehe)

I have not before and now I am and BRO…..WHY IS IT SO REAL

Gahd DAYM shit is intense. NICE GUY ACT IS BULLSHIT CHECKING OUT RN

UH OHHHHH

Man 😭😭😭 He got that charming boy buff

This sum rich ppl shit. Reminds me of my non-optional career success class that was Business Major Type Beat 💀💀💀💀

He do got that frat boy thing going on

In a meta-analysis of dark triad and workplace outcomes, Jonason and colleagues (2012) found that each of the dark triad traits were related to manipulation in the workplace, but each via unique mechanisms. Specifically, Machiavellianism was related with the use of excessive charm in manipulation, narcissism was related with the use of physical appearance, and psychopathy was related with physical threats.

UHH OHHHHH

All three dark triad traits lead to knowledge sabotage.

I am dead. Information is currency 🤪🤪🤪🤪

The people who tend to be higher in these traits will be in relationship types such as "One-night stand, which is when you have sexual relations with the person only once", "hookups", "friends with benefits, which is when there is a relationship with a friend but do not define the relationship as a romantic one", "booty calls, solicitation from a non-long-term relationship for the intent of sexual relations".

It keeps adding up....

more risk-taking in the form of substance abuse, a tendency to prefer immediate but smaller amounts of money over delayed but larger amounts of money, limited self-control and greater incidence of ADHD symptoms, and a pragmatic and game-playing romance style.

My adhd hc is thriving on this 🧐 (as someone who thought i had it since bp-ii has a lot of similarities) AND NAWT THE GAME PLAYING ROMANCE STYLE HELPPP He's tryna reverse dating sim us 😭 Hes stacking up charm points out of us

Several academic studies have found evidence that people with dark triad personalities are judged as slightly better-looking than average on first sight. Two studies have determined that this is because people with dark triad traits put more effort into their appearance, and the difference in attractiveness disappears when "dressed down" with bland clothing and without makeup.

Real pretty boy moment

Now me looking into machiavellianism...

IM FUCKING SHAKING WHY IS THIS HOW I SEE HIM REAL 💀💀💀💀 I KNOW his flower means sympathy but this motherfucker...why is he being so MANIPULATIVE ABOUT SHIT AUSGEJDIFKFKGF. Paternalistic deception type beat. I know best for you type beat. Screaaamsss.

He has that pack of one track-minded seeming bloodhounds...a hivemind in probably a more metaphorical sense than Ais's literal groupmind, but he is looooonely about it that I wouldn't past him that he uses the group more than he actually like...melts with them. Idfk how to word this. He doesn't get close despite his popularity for a reason.

Yeah....man.

The environmental causes (such as shared, and non-shared environment) that contribute to the development of machiavellianism were childhood maltreatment and neglect, social reinforcement of manipulative behaviors from an early age, and poor family functioning. One study even stated that "the etiology of Machiavellianism, similarly to the development of a dismissing-avoidant pattern, partly originates from childhood experiences obtained in relationships with unexpressive, less understanding, highly punitive or restrictive caregivers".

AAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PARENT ISSUES CRYING SHAKING SOBBING WAUAHEGHRGRHRRHRHRH

Machiavellianism has also been located within the interpersonal circumplex, which consists of the two independent dimensions of agency and communion. Agency refers to the motivation to succeed and to individuate the self, whereas communion refers to the motivation to merge with others and to support group interests. Machiavellianism lies in the quadrant of the circumplex defined by high agency and low communion.

DAS WHAT I FEELE.......he is leading the group but he's not really IN THE GROUP...YEAH??????

When it comes to manipulation, individuals high in Machiavellianism may, according to Bereczkei, “have certain cognitive and social skills that enable them to properly adapt to the challenges of environmental circumstances”. They also are incredibly perceptive to the presence of others, and feign altruism to enhance their reputation.

I am so dead guize 😭

High Machs are more than likely to choose better quality friends, as they can guess better who is a good person and thus more pliable for manipulation.

bruHUUHHDJFKFKFLG 😭😭😭

Workplace behaviors associated with this concept include flattery, deceit, coercion, and the abuse of others through one’s position of leadership.

Really seein this....

Yo this is such good food.....also scary as hell....but thats what makes it michelin star level 🙈 THANK U FOR FOOD FOR BRAINROT I AM TOSSING THIS AROUND IN MY SKULL

[beevean]

I don't watch Hazbin Hotel but I seem to understand that some who've watched it and NFCV hate Valentino with a passion yet simp for Lenore

Fancy that huh?

Ah, my dear friend, but it's obvious why :)

Can't exactly jerk off to a moth man, can you? (well, I suppose you can, but he's ehhhhh less conventionally attractive than a cute redhead woman)

But it's not only that:

When Valentino abuses Angel, it's a horrifying scene. There's no music. There's nothing that can distract you from the realism. The sexual undertones (Angel covering up with his vest, Valentino trailing his fingers up his chest) are subtle yet sickening. You feel Angel's fear and powerlessness (helps that the voice direction is perfect), and root for him because we know him and know he did nothing to deserve this and he only wants to protect Charlie despite his terror (look! A character motive!). Furthermore, we learn here that Valentino owns Angel's soul, in a contract that he signed apparently willingly, judging by the little heart: he blames himself, but the show never blames him for falling into Valentino's trap. Nor does it blame him when later on, in Poison, we see flashbacks of Angel dancing with Valentino with a smile even as he's getting slammed into the ground, and jumping into his arms: it's not a downplaying of the abuse going on, because the implication is that maybe in the past he loved him, but now he's trapped and hurting, because Valentino took advantage of the power imbalance. It makes it all the more satisfying when Angel tells him to fuck off.

I don't think I need to tell you that this is the complete opposite of the disgusting shit NFCV pulls with Lenore and Hector. The show blames him for being stupid. You cannot root for Hector because he has nothing to root for, he's a shell of a character with no strength and no motivations, and there's no reason for you to care about what happens to him. It glorifies Lenore for being so cunning and manipulative - sure she's evil, but she's "cool" about it. The sexual abuse is played for straight titillation, from her licking his face after she beat him into unconciousness to the "walkies" to the rape by deception. Later on, while Hector does help destroy Lenore's life, he does so without any malice or resentment in his heart: it wasn't revenge against her, because he loves her, after all. How couldn't he? She's actually nice deep down. Everything she did was for his own good :) he just needed to understand it (off-screen) :) and this is not portrayed as him being a broken man who cannot understand love due to a life that was nothing but abuse, no no no we are meant to find them cute and tragic. Hector's character development culminates not with him standing up to the people who broke him, but him peacefully letting his abuser die on her own terms, as if the issue was that he was selfish and needed to learn to let go.

It's as if HH justified Valentino by saying that well, Angel is a famous porn star thanks to him, and clearly he enjoys the sex and drugs, so what has he to complain about?

Oh but tell me more about how Poison is rape apologism because Angel signs a catchy pop song about his misery in Valentino's grasp. Tell me how his dance interplayed with his abuse is offensive representation of trauma. Where the fuck were all of you when Lenore literally brushed off her raping with "you were having fun" and Hector let her do that?

Go fuck yourselves. I'm not going to be polite about it. This double standard makes me actively angry.

[falvivi]

Special post dedicated to Sweet Teps

YEAH today I'm gonna talk about my trollsona.(and show some arts i did lately

These 2 are the most safe and without ANY TYPE OF ANGST RELATED SO THEY FIRST. tw for some topics like: overdose, drug abuse, MAYBE hypersexuality. idk just wild disturbed girls and glitch images

Tepesu is a very dubious young woman with a very flexible personality, specifically because her lusus is a snake, which taught her to always have different attitudes and personalities depending on who she interacts with, valuing the greatest advantage and benefit in certain situations. With her close friends she can be an extremely sweet and funny girl, but she can also act very provocative and reckless with others. Normally, she maintains a persona of a disinterested and mysterious girl, for the sake of the interest of laymen. She also uses a lot of sexual appeal to deceive others (she also learned from her lusus, which shows that it has a BIG impact on Tepesu's education and character, since she has a habit of studying poisons to prevent infections).

Going deeper into this issue, she also learned a lot about how the troll body works for her own benefit. She has often created different types of medicine for her own protection, and occasionally, she uses it to heal others (yes, she inherited that from the Healer). At first it seems like just a silly interest, but she takes this quesrion of studying the troll body very seriously. Because biology and knowledge of the race itself is VERY precarious, her way of studying is through practice (she is quite hardcore and discovered how the reproductive system works in the sus way 😭). She is quite crazy about these topics and has even killed a purpleblood to study anatomy (in addition to having stolen his blood and heart to perform her classic surgery and confirm whether or not it is possible to change the color of one's own blood. Spoiler: yes).

Honestly, all of her worrying attitudes are a reflection of her lusus's fucked up character, who taught her to live based on experience, making her go to extremes for stupid things (this also reflected in her intense personality and the development of her disorder, which made her really frustrated and attempt suicide ALMOST weekly). Her lusus is also not that great of a father and spends almost all of his time away, so there was no one to supervise her and say that "telling your friend to make a paraplegic suffer everything she suffered" is wrong.

A large part of the shit she does is all the fault of her disorder, which she treated as a simple illness until she had a chat with Rose and simply discovered that the name of this shit is borderline personality disorder. It affects her a lot, so much so that she has the habit of trying to die of overdose, taking her medicines to get better and a little bit of sopor (because it gives her the same effects as LSD). She always goes off for 1 week when she tries something, and usually blocks Gamzee during her breakdowns (most of them always happen because she keeps thinking about how lonely, fucked up, disgusting she is, and how he will never like her because of that. Or she simply starts to hate him because he supposedly doesn't care about her no matter how much she tries so hard to be super cute and adorable). Fun fact: she broke her own horn on purpose during a breakdown.

Her relationship with Gamzee is healthy, but Tepesu still goes crazy because she SWEARS that he only sees her as a colleague, which is not true because he also considers her a lot. In truth, the two treat each other in the cutest way possible, but Tepesu is really fucked up and never tries to confess her feelings to him (because the two are very close, so they know almost everything about each other. So she knows about Gamzee's mini crush on Tavros, and avoids confessing her feelings because she's sure she'll be rejected). Even more so because of this issue, Tepesu is another bitch who manipulates Tavros, but she doesn't show that she wants to see him dead like Vriska. She feels the PUREEST disdain and disgust for him, because she's FUCKING jealous. She never tries anything directly and always leaves the mission to Vriska, saying a bunch of atrocities for her to test(poor tav).

I mostly draw her with that silly :/ face but I ALWAYS FORGET THAT DEEP DOWN SHES KIND OF COMPLEX(even more than myself...) ALSO about her changing her own blood color, in some "old pics" like when shes around 13/14 shes mostly related to the indigo caste(bc her blood still wasnt totally purple). BUUUT around 15/16 her blood becomes TOTALLY purple(for example the 4th pic where her tears are purple, also her blood running from her nose).

bonus art of humanstuck tepesu cosplaying karakuri pierrot miku. her song says a lot about her.

I HOPE YOU ENJOY THAT "ANALYSIS" even though it wasnt muuch interesting, at least yknow why my name is OVERDOSE now. If you have any doubts about my trollsona or her lore you can ask me! feel free to comment about it!!! byeebyy

[galacticwildfire]

poking in here to say I looooved the new chapter of fire meets gasoline. I love how you write Poe SO much and I'm loving seeing how his and Hope's relationship develops, and seeing how Hope herself develop. This fic is such a goddamned treat 🥰

Thank you! It's one of my favourite chapters so far, and I'm very excited for what's coming. I just adore Poe and he'll have a pov next chapter which is always fun to write, especially since things are going to get pretty chaotic.

I'd originally planned on the two of them being lukewarm towards each other at best until just before the comic arc where L'ulo's killed, mostly sexual tension and arguing up until then, but I like how things are going between them at the moment even if that affection's come far earlier than planned. It means that during the spy arc the angst will be angstier than I'd anticipated but I'm looking forward to writing some fights (and tears) between them.

Their development definitely won't be linear, it'll be very two steps forward one step back, especially since I've written Hope as being bpd coded in the same ways that Anakin was, although it will present differently. The closer she gets to Poe the more a lot of those deep seeded fears are going to pop up, especially since she's very aware of the circumstances around Anakin's involvement in Padme's death and what led him there, along with the fact that she simply hasn't coped with the physical and emotional abuse from Ben that occurred in those last few weeks before he finally turned. Because like we saw with him and Rey in TLJ, he knows how to be manipulative while fully believing that everything he's saying is true, so he fully believed that all he ever did was make her stronger when he was traumatising the fuck out of a sixteen year old. It's something Leia suspects but Poe will pick up on the extent of it as the story goes along and will absolutely despise him for it.

As a result of having seen what Anakin and Ben became, in her mind the absolute worst thing she could ever become is someone who hurts the people she loves, and she's convinced herself that the way to avoid that is to just not let anyone close. Along with the fact that the people closest to her each blindsided her and either turned on her or left her; her ex girlfriend, Ben and then Han, all within the span of a few weeks. She has some very serious abandonment issues but she'll slowly open up and let people in, not just Poe but also Black Squadron.

At the moment she's going very well mentally, she's moving past that type of thinking and letting herself be happy with other people again, but a few different things will happen that will cause her to regress. So while Poe begins to worry about things like rank and age and what Leia would think, Hope has this extremely deep seeded fear that she will destroy everything she loves and that is going to be her main conflict going forward and something that she's going to have to overcome. That being said after L'ulo's death Poe will also grapple with the fear of if he's able to handle losing another person he loves, and he's going to be a little indecisive about it (because in his mind it's all or nothing, he's either 100% devoted to her or he's going to wait until the time is right for them to take that step) which will blow up in his face more than once since by that point they're effectively in a relationship without calling it one. He'll be torn between doing what he believes is right by Hope and right as a commander, and just giving into what he feels and damning the risks, along with pretending not to be completely terrified by the fact he's fallen in love with someone who is just as self sacrificing as he is the moment they get in a dogfight.

They'll have their fights and all the rest, but the underlying thing to all of it is that they physically cannot stay away from each other, which complicates things when they're insistent on being 'just partners'.

[nitazenes]

What are your murder dreams about?

Hey

Good question

I don't know why I have this reoccurring dream but as a disclaimer I consider these dreams to be nightmares/night terrors. I don't enjoy them. In fact, they cause me a great deal of stress.

I've never had these dreams about another person except for once but these are mostly tied to my ex, she's on my DNI. Her name is Buffy. She did nonconsensual things to me when I was inebriated and couldn't give consent and overall she made my life a living hell from ages 15-21 which are like key fundamental years in life development and becoming a person and all that and I feel quit stunted.

When we broke up I lost *all* of my friends. Leaving me almost entirely alone with Graham (another name on my DNI) who had been abusing me for years at that point.

But the best thing Graham ever did for me was help me realize that I was staying with my partner out of fear of being alone.

When B and I broke up. Something snapped or switched in her because whe went from being somewhat reserved to bragging about going on a date and getting fucked 3 days after our break up

I never used to call her a rapist before because I didn't recognize the signs but she would use one of my touch triggers against me. It's a programming thing. But touch in that area, she discovered, would activate programming that made me submissive and encouraging of sexual behavior so. I didn't recognize this as the R word until later on. I was never giving consent even if I acted like I wanted to do it.

Anyway. Because of being manipulated this way. Being isolated, and my ex accusing me of things I didn't do and seeing my friends on social media saying they wish I'd die, I just shut down.

And then the dreams started. They always start with some sort of attempt to be diplomatic but it turns into her egging me on, something she did in pur relationship, intentionally making me so mad that she would act innocent and like I was crazy for being so angry.

I wasn't innocent BTW, this relationship was abusive on both ends. Mostly me being unmedicated and my BPD would make me rage at her. If she were to call me verbally/emotionally abusive. I would have to agree. I was. But I'm not that person anymore.

Anyway I had dreams about killing her every night. It would always start diplomatically but would turn into her ignoring me or egging me on to the point I would accidentally lash out and go too far and end up killing her

Those dreams haunted me for 2 years after the relationship ended but they went away for about a year. And then in 2022 she decided to DARVO and started calling me *her* rapist. Her story of what happened isn't coherent like there's so many plot holes. She's just saying it to garner more sympathy from her friends.

After these allegations, the nightmares started again. This time a lot more brutal and my intentions were set to kill her in those dreams.

The night terrors went away again until I experienced abuse from Ripley and Leah. Even though my issues were with other people, it was still always about her.

Last night was disturbing bc i had been making lunges at her with ol reliable (big knife I own) and she kept showing me her wrists which were scarred as if encouraging me to slash at her arms instead

That disturbed me enough to wake up.

My therapist tells me I have these dreams from repressed anger/trauma I experienced with her and also feeling the situation is out of my control like entirely.

Bc of this I have these night terrors but I must express again, they're just intrusive thoughts while I'm sleeping and I have no desire to actually hurt her or ever see her again

Just seeing the same type of car she had puts me on edge. I'd be more bound to get away from her bc she scares me. Rather than trying to harm. It's just a dream

An annoying one but a dream

[somnimouse]

An Analysis of Ryu’s Route in “NO, THANK YOU!!!”

I originally posted this to Twitter as a thread, but I’m going to post it as a whole analysis here.

For a lot of NTY!!! players, Ryu is a difficult character to understand. "Does he even feel anything for Haru?" many people ask. "There is no chemistry!" 

There is actually a lot of it! Ryu feels quite a lot for Haru, too, but because of the nature of his character, his love is shown implicitly through careful actions in his route. For those who are confused, I’ve got an analysis that breaks down Ryu’s backstory and personality, his route themes, and his significance to Haru’s overall character and the game as a whole.

Warning: If you haven’t played Ryu’s route, this contains spoilers. The analysis also has references to CSA.

I. Backstory and Personality

There are a number of very important aspects to consider when understanding Ryu. The main one is that this man has Extreme Trust Issues(TM) and is this damn close to imploding from all of the misfortune in his life.

According to the sourcebook and implied in his POV flashback in-game, at the age of 13, Ryu was groomed and manipulated by his older female cousin, and he witnessed his uncle perving on his little sister, who was only 8 at that time. His trust in the world was shattered and his personality subsequently suffered. He developed an obsession with cleanliness and a mild form of gynophobia.

After he moved out with his sister at 15, Ryu then had to experience losing Ai at 21. He went to the police and they didn't even file a missing persons report. Who the hell can this man trust? Nobody, he's learned. He’s lost all his loved ones and he’s alone under the world’s foot. Ryu's been through so much hurt, it's no wonder he's a bit of an asshole.

His entire life was dedicated to protecting his sister, and she was his reason for living. Hell, Ai is his reason for living. The only reason he works under Kouichi in the first place is to figure out where she is.

The sad thing is, Ryu only trusts Kouichi to a degree. He believes that the world operates on “fuck yours, got mine” philosophy.

That is more than a decade’s worth of trauma for him. To survive in an awful world like this, Ryu has to put up walls around his heart and won’t let anyone in his world.

But that's not all there is to him. When Haru says, "Ryu might even be kinder than Hiroshi," he's right. Deep down, Ryu is a very compassionate individual who does everything he can to help those who are vulnerable, especially children and CSA victims. While he won't jump in head-first without knowing the full story, he'll always find a way to do something.

Case in point: the Igarashi siblings' case. Ryu, as a CSA victim himself, is quick to correct Kouichi and say it's "sexual abuse" and not "Sorato having a relationship with his mother," and is the only love interest to actually help Rikuto and Sorato successfully.

While I'll be mentioning Yufumi later, you can especially see Ryu's soft side with Hiroyuki and Ren. Both men are still green around the gills and wear their hearts on their sleeves, but Hiroyuki is naive while Ren is incredibly jaded from his own sexual and physical trauma (mentioned in the sourcebook). Ryu has gone as far as to house Hiroyuki back when the guy was 19 and teach him everything from cooking and house upkeep, and will always make sure Hiroyuki's okay at work. He is just as nurturing with Ren, who idolizes him for his competence and coldness.

Hiroyuki, who sees the good in others, views Ryu as a strict but kind man who's much like a mom. Ren, who distrusts everyone, sees Ryu's ruthlessness and cunning intelligence. Ryu's route showcases both of their viewpoints, but whose interpretation of Ryu is right?

As it turns out, neither of them are correct. Haru is the only person who sees Ryu for who he is: incredibly stubborn, reactive, petty, thoughtful, sweet and in a lot of pain. He learns this by doing what no one's ever dared to do: worm his way into Ryu's heart.

If you compare everyone's routes, you'll notice that Haru treats Ryu differently compared to how he treats Hiroyuki, Maki and Kouichi. Haru is much gentler in Ryu's route, (almost) always asks for his vocal consent, never uses his killer face on him, and always has him in mind during their interactions.

Now, Ryu's been suspicious of Haru since the very beginning, and it doesn't help that he hates stupid people. However, Haru's heart is undeniably in the right place, and Ryu is not blind. As the route progresses, he begins to care for Haru and eventually falls in love with him.

“But wait!” you might say. “How do you know he even loves Haru?”

And to that, I say, “Look closely!”

There are three main themes that are present in Ryu's route that showcase how Ryu's feelings change toward Haru from dislike to love:

a place to call home;

freedom;

the dichotomy of love and trust.

I will be splitting the next section into these three themes Haru and Ryu connect emotionally on.

IIA. A Place to Call Home, and a Child of Love

From the day he was born, the "amnesiac" who came to sótano was simply a broken toy of his father's, and has nothing to his name. No family, no home, nothing. He doesn't even have a name... until Ryu gives him one: "Haru."

By the time Chapter 3 rolls around, Haru has sótano as his newfound family, but he finds another one in Ryu's apartment. That is where he eats the Japanese home-cooked meals he's always wished to eat (via sourcebook), does the chores he's always wanted to do, and gets a slice of a normal life.

Ryu knows what a happy home looks like. Although he mentions that his mother "wasn't perfect," she was kind. Both his mother and father, according to the setting sourcebook, were very much in love and raised both Ryu and Ai with utmost love and care.

He no longer has this. Now, he's content with being alone because he can no longer trust anyone, but, while watching Haru react with joy over doing ordinary things like washing dishes, cutting burdock root and eating his food, Ryu gains a bit of insight into what Haru grew up without.

Enter Yufumi, the neglected and abused child who lives next door to Haru. She, too, does not truly have a place to call home because her mother views her as a burden. She's never had a home-cooked meal from a mother, been praised, or given any clothes.

Furthermore, Eyebrows, too, never had a home. He was a stray kitten who was about to become crow food had Haru not saved him. Two people (and one cat) who have never known what a stable, loving home felt like. And they all found home with Ryu.

So they form a somewhat patchwork family of a husband (Haru), a wife (Ryu, according to Haru's own words), and two children (Yufumi and Eyebrows). But what does is the significance of this to Ryu?

I'd like to take your attention to the matsuri scene for this one. Prior to them going to the festival, Ryu watches Haru and Yufumi tinker around on the piano. The soft gaze Haru catches from him makes it clear Ryu is thinking back to the days when it was just him and his sister, Ai.

However, the matsuri scene also shows something else. 

Recall Ryu's POV prior to the Bad End/Good End branch. Ryu was taken to a jazz restaurant by his parents and fell in love with the piano there at the age of 5. The sourcebook elaborates on this and explains that his parents did it on their anniversary date. Ryu, as a child, hand-in-hand inside the restaurant with his parents, and immediately being taken in by the sights and sounds. Does this sound familiar?

This is a parallel to the matsuri scene with Haru, Ryu and Yufumi. It's six-year-old Yufumi's first time seeing fireworks, and she gets to see them on a “date” between Haru and Ryu, who first met in a jazz bar. She is not only symbolic of Ryu’s happy childhood with his parents, but also of the foundation of love and care Haru and Ryu build together. Yufumi grows out of her shell and comfortably voices what she wants, and is visibly excited and happy under their parenting. In other words, the route pushes her solidly as their love child.

Now, when Ryu gently scolds Haru about being more excited than the children, Haru tells him to enjoy himself while he's here. The matsuri scene is also important because that is when Haru starts to plant the seed of doubt in Ryu's head and really, really tries to convince him to adopt Yufumi for both of their sakes. He knows how lonely Ryu is and how safe Yufumi would be with him, so why not raise her?

And what does Ryu do by the end of the route, thanks to Haru? Adopts Yufumi and Eyebrows because the cat is also a part of the family. I should point out that, without Haru’s influence, Ryu doesn't adopt Yufumi or Eyebrows, and the latter two are separated in other routes.

The thing is... in the epilogue, it's revealed that Ryu extends that offer of being a family to Haru, too, in the form of keeping the last coupon. That coupon represents the promise to bind them together, the one that will make Haru come home to him in the future because he never breaks his promises. The reason Ryu is willing to do that for Haru, of all people, is because Haru did what no one else could: set him free and show him unconditional love in spite of everything.

IIB. Freedom

Freedom is a major theme of Ryu's route and character, and it's one of the aspects that fosters the romance between him and Haru as well. Ryu, by nature, is tightly wound and controlled in every way you can think of: physically, sexually, emotionally, verbally, etc. 

Ryu does not enjoy life because he's shackled himself to his goals. He takes things for granted because nothing in the world is worth more to him than his sister. He does not know what he has until he loses it, and it takes Haru's presence in his life for him to understand that. Haru saving Ryu and freeing him from his shackles is represented by foreshadowing in a physical example: Haru unlocking Ryu's zip-ties in the garage scene in Chapter 2. 

"What are we going to do?" "Beats me." "Um... I have a proposal."

This humorous scene actually mirrors the reveal in the final chapter, after Ryu finally sees what happened to his sister.

Ryu, who's broken down and cries in anguish, does not know what to do and begs Haru to kill everyone. He's at his weakest and he has no way out. It's clear he's given up on life and wants the world to burn, knowing that his sister is in that state and would be better off dead.

Haru refuses. With gentle but honest coaxing, he shows Ryu that there is a way out of the darkness and that he still has something to live for: Yufumi. He gives Ryu a reason to stay alive and start all over again, and to stop clinging to the past that will never return. With that, Haru frees Ryu from 17 years' worth of self-sacrifice. He's free to play piano as much as he want again. He can take care of Yufumi like he's always wanted to. Ryu can't get any of the time he lost back... but Haru gives him a miracle.

(This is a direct nod to the conversation Ryu has with Ren, too, about how lost time cannot be brought back in any way.)

To Ryu, who's been single-mindedly pursuing the impossible, this is essentially giving him a second chance at life. It's not only Ryu who's given freedom, either. Yufumi, as well, is given a second chance at life when Haru gives her a similar talk about whether or not she wants to wait for her mom or move on. Thanks to him, Yufumi lets go and is able to move on, just like Ryu, and is able to walk toward goals she wants the most. The fact that Haru is able to do that for them solidifies Ryu's love for him, and that is why he holds onto that last coupon. Because Haru never breaks his promises, he's certain he'll come home. In true tsundere fashion, Ryu frames it as, "I'll allow you to come back to me."

"But Somni!” you interject. “Are you sure Ryu loves Haru? What if he just respects him?"

There are certain things Ryu does for Haru that he does for absolutely no one else, not even his own flesh and blood. Remember that he has his heart encased in an icy prison and lets no one see who he really is. Not only is Haru the only person who gets to see Ryu's foul temper and lack of composure, he's also the only one who gets to see Ryu's playful side.

There are various times throughout the route in which Ryu pranks and toys with Haru, but the cutest one involves the dustcloth. The dustcloth represents Ryu's affection, much like one would see from a noblewoman when she gives it to a knight vying for her hand. Ryu could have simply made the phone holder and be done with it, but he went the extra mile to make a gag gift. And that was done to poke fun at Haru and have him go from excited to dismayed. Unfortunately, Haru is dense as hell, so the prank flies over his head and Ryu has to give him his real gift.

Make no mistake, though—the important thing is not the phone case, but the dustcloth, the proof of Ryu’s affection.

The thing is, Haru also receives the phone case in the Ballad of a Killer ending, but he does not receive the dustcloth. The major difference in this branch is whether or not Haru proves that Ryu was right to fall in love with him.

IIC. The Dichotomy of Love and Trust

Love and trust are not mutually inclusive in Ryu's route. There is a huge difference between loving someone and trusting them, and while his own feelings can’t be controlled, earning Ryu's trust is how he allows himself to fall in love with Haru in the first place.

The key to Ryu's Good Ending is ensuring that Haru never, ever goes back on his word. Not getting handsy with Ryu in the shower shows Ryu that he was never serious about the coupons, so he has no reason to trust him. Refusing to go home when Ryu uses a coupon seals it completely and Haru has to pay for his betrayal with his life. You cannot toy with the feelings of a man with Extreme Trust Issues(TM) and expect to get away with it.

Ryu was already falling for Haru, showing concern when Haru put himself in danger and musing about the fun Haru must have had while laying out the yukata set he bought for Yufumi. He was beginning to trust Haru, too... until, in the Ballad End, the fucker broke his promise and did not obey the coupon. By doing that, Haru unintentionally reinforces Ryu's view of the world: trust no one. He was a fool for loving him in the first place. So Ryu ends up using Haru's feelings again him and tricks him into killing Mimasaka and being fatally injured in the process.

Even then, Ryu can't bring himself to shoot Haru. He still loves him even though Haru screams out the most vile things about his sister to enrage him and drop his guard. It's an incredibly heartbreaking ending because Ryu takes what he has for granted again and will never get that love back.

Here's the kicker: Ryu set that trap for Haru in advance. Whether or not he decides to utilize it depends entirely on Haru's choice to obey or disobey. In the Good Ending’s path, Haru realizes the Mimasaka thing was probably a trap and isn't even disappointed, and Ryu does not pursue it.

Slowly, Haru begins to earn more of Ryu's trust, even though there's a limit. The tipping point happens prior to their last H-scene together, when Ryu sees Haru napping and tucks him in, and lets him hear what his true feelings sound like through the piano.

In the OST, the song Ryu plays is titled "Passion," which shows how much fire and life he's keeping inside of him. This is something he doesn't allow anyone to listen to or touch because that can be easily taken away from him like everything else. He doesn’t even play this kind of jazz for patrons in the bar. The sourcebook notes that Ryu plays with all his might like this once or twice a month, when everyone else has gone home. However, he doesn't wake Haru or kick him out, but lets him sleep and listen. Haru understands the significance immediately and sees him for who he truly is.

Now, a lot of people would say their second-last H-scene is one that holds the most emotional value, but I'd actually argue that their last H-scene, the one after this piano scene, showcases all of Ryu's feelings for Haru out in the open.  For this H-scene, I want to point to Lee's VA comments for Ryu. He mentions that Ryu's true feelings show themselves a little in this H-scene, which made recording for the route climax a lot easier. I also want to mention that Ryu's CSA experience is also vital here.

Ryu is a person who needs to be in control to feel safe because he can't trust anyone else to take the lead. The sourcebook reveals he doesn't even masturbate because, to him, that's a moral failing signifying a lack of control, which nods to his past.

The last H-scene he has with Haru is the first in which he has control over what happens (at least, for now). Haru pulls back at the lack of reciprocity, pouts, and whines about his feelings being hurt, which actually makes Ryu pause.

"If you want to have sex with me, make me want it."

Ryu does not want sex, ever. He's a traumatized, sex-negative asexual, has no interest in anyone, and would rather go through life without any of that dirty shit.  Plus, we've learned from the second-last H-scene that sex acts without emotion actually bore Haru. Even so, Ryu wants to do it with him, who he loves and trusts. But how does he show it?

He gives Haru something he's never, ever given anyone in his life: his first kiss.

And not just any kiss—he practically eats Haru's face (although he absolutely sucks at it) and it makes Haru so happy, it gets him raring to go right away.

"But Somni,” you say. “It's just a kiss! It’s not that big of a deal!"

The thing is, this is coming from someone who won't even masturbate. Ryu shows major resistance when Haru asks him to touch himself. The kiss he gives him is something within his control but also comes from a place he allows no one to look. Ryu has never done this to anyone in his life because he's never felt anything this deeply before until Haru came along in his life. This kiss holds major, major significance in that he's showing how much he wants Haru and love him.

Allowing Ryu to initiate the first move during sex is cathartic. He gets to move things on his terms without being forced against his will, and, as the scene progresses, Ryu begins to want more of Haru and actively voices it. Major trust is required for that.

However, that's the limit for Ryu's because, above all else, he has one goal in mind: to find his sister. He's more than willing to aim a gun at Haru, the man he loves, to get what he wants. The power of compartmentalization is really something.

III. True Love

But then Haru fulfills his promise and shows him the truth. And then Ryu loses it. He crumbles. He's lost everything and is at his most vulnerable, with his broken heart out in the open. There's no point in anything anymore. But, when Ryu is at his weakest, Haru saves his heart. Haru protects him and sets him free with the coupons and the reminder that Yufumi is waiting for him. He was there when Ryu needed him most.

Everyone else in Ryu's life broke his trust and abandoned him, but Haru didn't. And that finally proves to Ryu that, yes, he trusts Haru and was right to fall in love with him and let him into his life. That is why Ryu, seeing the last coupon flutter before his eyes, holds onto it. He wants to see Haru again and have him come home to him.

I want to draw attention to the fact that the very last CG is Haru through Ryu's eyes. His gentle, happy smile is shown through both that and described through Ryu's inner dialogue. Haru never breaks his promises, and the coupon becomes a chain that binds them together forever.

Ryu's lost so much over the years. He lost his parents when he was 10. He lost his innocence at 13. He lost his sister at 21. He lost her all over again at 27. But he also got a family and his life back, thanks to Haru, and Ryu doesn't want to lose him, either. For so many years, Ryu's suffered alone in silence, and in just two months, Haru, that wonderful windstorm of a man, barged into his heart and changed him for the better. Ryu gave him everything he ever wanted, too.

While Ryu's love isn't traditionally flirty like Hiroyuki's, tension-charged as Maki's, or exciting like Kouichi's, it's romantic all the same, and it comes from deep down in the soul. Their love reflects the quiet, everyday love between two people who have been married for many years. He and Haru changed each other's lives for the better, and it's not just their lives, either.

Remember Yufumi and Eyebrows. Because of that love between Haru and Ryu, both Yufumi and Eyebrows have a home and will no longer be mistreated, hungry, filthy and neglected. Haru's and Ryu's love creates a nurturing environment that allows their children to grow and flourish.

Haru himself also gains the most in Ryu's route compared to the other routes. He gets not only an identity, but the milestones he believes he’ll never have are achieved, too: what it's like to be married (with Ryu), being a father (of Yufumi and Eyebrows), having his first home-cooked Japanese meal made with love, etc.. Ryu, so vibrant and full of life underneath that coldness, is a joy for Haru to unwrap over and over again, and how he manages to surprise him one last time by being willing to wait for him to come home solidifies Haru's love for him, too. Haru's so in love with Ryu physically, mentally, sexually and emotionally, he literally does not think about him without simping at some point, and when he finally sees the fire inside him, Haru's all too happy to be consumed by it and even shows jealousy toward his own dick because it gets to be inside Ryu.

Their love is slow-burning and full of meaning and significance, and the impact it has on them and everyone around them is undeniable. The writing in Ryu’s route is so full of clues, metaphors and foreshadowing, it's the gift that keeps giving.

Love does not have to be showy. Love does not have to be explicit. Love is a choice, a conscious effort one makes to the person they care about the most, and when it comes from a jaded individual who keeps their emotions under lock and key, it means the world. Ryu’s love for Haru is clearly showcased in his actions and the route’s intertwining of their themes, and their chemistry together is solid.

[failurefemmegf]

why aren't you a transmasc anymore?

short answer: i realized my dysphoria was a combined reaction to being a lesbian who was scared of other women along with depersonalisation due to misogyny

long answer: i started identifying with the transgender community when i was around 12 or 13 years old, around the time i was in middle school. in elementary school i was friendly with boys and girls but as i grew older and the social cues for being a "girl" became too complicated, the other girls regarded me as weird and i was always lumped in with the boys.

i had childhood friends who were girls but a combination of mental health issues and abusive platonic relationships made it difficult to hold onto them. by the time i entered my sophmore year of high school, i no longer had any friends in my grade, and i resorted to helping for a very male-dominated gaming club as a last resort, which i stayed with until graduation. the gaming club was extremely libertarian conservative (i once got into an argument over whether "water is a human right") (it is, obviously). i was full on "not like other girls"ing my way through high school. my primarily male friendships continued into college, where i joined a game design degree program with a total of maybe 4 women including me in my entire class.

in the fall semester of my only year of college, i was constantly sexually harassed by a male "friend" and then manipulated against the rest of my friend group by a different male "friend" who ditched me after winter break when he realized i wasn't going to fuck him. in my spring semester i was completely alone (i had no roommates) and actively suicidal. it was at this time i threw myself into trans identity politics. i'd always been uncomfortable with my breasts because i developed earlier, and i bought my first binder, began tucking my hair into hats and attempting to pass as male on the rare occasions i would leave my dorm room.

i had waist-long hair from middle school until this point, where that summer i chopped it off, broke up with my long-term online girlfriend, and called myself a gay trans man. really though, the only men i was attracted to were fictional (comphet). i transferred to a community college and was still actively suicidal along with doing nothing about it. i blamed it all on my dysphoria.

covid hit that spring, and given some time to myself, i realized i was a lesbian. i jumped head first into being part of the lesbian community on twitter at the time, and it felt so right, like i'd finally figured out a last puzzle piece. my mental health still wasn't great due to other reasons but i didn't feel at odds with myself anymore.

after i lost my summer job and swapped to retail, my suicidal ideation and depression came back in full force. i got a new job at a grocery store and ran into a former childhood friend who happened to be a guy, and my complicated feelings towards him i mistook for love. boom, i was iding as a trans gay guy again, i continued to throw my mental health down the trash can because "IF I TRANSITION EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE", developed an eating disorder, and ended up in an intensive outpatient program for lgbt+ young adults.

i turned a corner when i learned to stop caring what others thought of me. to be secure in myself and not rely on other people to validate my feelings, my appearance, my identity. i had my ups and downs but by the time january hit, something felt different. i no longer felt "socially" dysphoric, i stopped caring about people calling me "she" or "a girl", but my trans identity had become such a huge part of my life that i was extremely torn. i began looking up detransition resources, desisted to "nonbinary/genderfluid" until i stumbled across some radfem blogs.

i'd always been told to avoid radfems because they "hated trans people" and "WANT you to detransition". but they were the only people to take my thoughts of desisting seriously. i reached out anonymously over the course of several months to several different blogs and i was blown away by the grace and kindness i received. i really want to thank blogs like @woman-for-women and @detransition for their wonderful posts about female depersonalization and dysphoria, they really helped nudge me in the right direction for me.

from where i stand now, i'm a gender abolitionist, but i'm not completely against the idea of transition. because of my past i have a lot of sympathy for dysphoric people, and i know there are probably trans mascs and men out there who do feel a genuine disconnect. however, i don't think we should push transition as the only option to treat dysphoria, and we need more studies about the effects of female socialization on female depersonalization. i'm not a scientist or a psychiatrist though, i'm just a girl on the internet who wants to help people.

[baku-usagi]

God yeah all of this and then some.

The biggest issue with the Fandom I've seen so far is the desperate attempts to npc the characters forgetting that, everyone from the main cast, is a player character. They represent the people at your table, they aren't characters the dm made up, they ARE the other players. Each one is incredibly nuanced and interesting if you give them the chance to be. And I have seen nothing but a whole lot of "insert stereotype here"

Astarion is super ace coded, he has a lot go sexual trauma, he is actual the epitome of the abused becoming the abuser. He doesn't hate The abuse his master doled out, he hates that he isn't In a position to dole it out himself, and your interactions with him shape if he maintains that mentality or if he starts to heal.

I know it's a game and all that but so many people sacrafice allowing for a beautifully developed character coming into a redemption arch, in favor of allowing astarion to be everything he hates deep down because haha sexy!

Gales negatives dont come across as attractive. There isn't any booktok level weird kinks and power dynamics.

He's also like, a prodigy child who was groomed and manipulated, his pride is even mostly a front because while he knows he's smart deep down he truly fears he's not enough.

But you really do watch them get boiled down into sexy vampire man who will fuck me so I excuse his evils

And "oh he looks like a where's my hug kinda guy" at gale because hes a nerd and over intellectual and a little rude. (hes been a hermit to recover from his debilitating curse of bomb in chest idk)

Drives me crazy.

actually i'm crazy about this now. astarion and gale are perceived by the fandom in a lot of different ways solely because astarion has been clocked as "the sexy one" and gale has been clocked as "the incel" and it is sooo fucking annoying to read about half of the time.

like people are willing to stomach the idea of astarion being rude and willing to do bad things as a survival tactic, because those things don't stop them from degrading him to the descriptor "sexy" and nothing else. people talk about his addiction to blood positively because the way you sate it is by doing something perceived as intimate. so they believe sexy elf man is sexy and nothing else and then whine when he perpetuates the cycle of abuse and doesn't actually care about them.

and then meanwhile gale, who is arrogant and a little too ambitious for his own good (but still has the common decency of "hey bad thing bad"), is treated more poorly because how are you supposed to degrade him to being attractive/sexy and nothing else when his suffering is much more impersonal?? HIS addiction is now a haha funny crack joke because it's not "sexy". HIS relationship is "haha he fumbled a goddess" because he constantly talks about his ex. because he has issues. and mystra is, while not the person who put it there directly, the reason he's got a bomb in his chest

so you have this issue where people are sooo determined to mischaracterize people to the point where they make astarion the "hot twink" or whatever (COMPLETELY ignoring that's the entire point, he wants you to think that because that's what he's been forced to behave as for survival) and gale the "annoying incel man" because there's such a difference of what they can and can't sexualize about the two of them.

this isn't a real genuine issue or anything but it makes traversing this fandom SUPER annoying when people hate one of my favorite little dudes for something they mistakenly love astarion for. like i'm sorry astarion is not your flirty little meow meow he IS putting up an act he IS dissociating throughout half of his romance scenes i hope you know that. and also gale is traumatized and not the "nice guy complex" man for wanting to win back mystra's favor. hope that helps

[beautywithindarkness]

I'm 3 years sober! September 15th 2021. The day I stopped letting the demons win.

Part 2 - The first boyfriend/emotional abuse

After a while, I thankfully withdrew from the group after I met my first boyfriend. I was around 15 at the time, he was 16. The relationship started off as friends but quickly grew into more. We were officially together. Things started off pretty good, as all relationships do until one day he decided he had a serious issue with the fact I had had sex before him, (yes, unfortunately, I had sex when I was underage and in with the wrong kinds of people.) But he knew this already and it was never an issue for him at the start. This is where the mistreatment started. I'll keep it as short as possible for a 5/6 year relationship. He turned into a bully. Bear in mind, I thought I've escaped my school bullies, I've escaped bad people, my life isn't just online anymore, I've met a nice boy and this is the start of me getting to be be happy.. nope. He turned very emotionally abusive. I had no confidence or self-esteem anyway from my previous experiences with the bullying and he would go on to further destroy me. He would tell me I was ugly without make up. Refused to be intimate with me sometimes if I wasn't wearing make up and had my hair tied up. Tell me my boobs were too small and my stomach was too fat. Tell me I was too pale (I even started to fake tan because of this.) Tell me he preferred girls with blonde hair. He would compare me to girls all the time. He would admit he masturbated over the thought of my friends. He'd make comments about girls on TV, saying how he'd like to fuck them etc. This triggered me so bad that I could no longer watch anything with any kind of nudity/sexual scenes or even girls in revealing clothing. I would sit and look up films beforehand to make sure there wasn't anything like this in because I would just dread the comments and the way it would kill me inside. He used to threaten to break up with me if I didn't change the way I dressed (I was very emo/gothy back then (which again, wasn't an issue at the start.) He would threaten to break up with me if I didn't perform certain sex acts more regularly. He was utterly vile to me. This destroyed me as a person. I became the most insecure person you could ever imagine. Not only was I bullied badly by so many people in school but now, the man who was supposed to love me, became my worst bully. I couldn't understand why.. I blamed myself of course because if all of these people were telling me these things, then they must of been true. Along came body dysmorphia. I hated myself. I hated everything about myself. I'll leave it as that. I started drinking on weekends and this soon became something that would be a regular thing for me. By this point I had also started self-harming quite a lot and I became very depressed, (this started before I met the boyfriend.) I had also developed really bad IBS-D. Something that I later in life realised was triggered by trauma. Food didn't affect it but my anxiety did. Fast forward a few years (I'm leaving out A LOT of stuff in between, because we'd be here all day if I talked about everything I'd gone through, through the years,) and we are now at the break up, the final one because there were many lol, as he'd break up with me as manipulation and control tactics. The final break up...

[darabbitholes]

ocs infopost (last updated 8/15/24)

ok hi my name is spade and you can find my main at @spadefriend. this is my oc blog and even if my main is 15+ i'm putting a 16+ limit here. please do not follow if you are under 16. below the cut you'll find a summary of most of the ocs i'll be posting about here and anything else you need to know.

this also includes a full list of the content warnings for this blog. i'll be tagging all my posts so if the subject matter of any one ocverse is too much for you to handle you can mute those specific tags. i will also be supplying tws for the heavy stuff however; i will be tagging these as "#tw [subject]", or "#tw [subject] mention" if the subject is mentioned but not discussed in depth.

feel free 2 send me asks about any of these guys i love questions :3333333333333333

also read more about these guys on my toyhou.se!

-

the graveyard shift

set in 2011 in the usa's hidden magical underbelly, mostly the town of sonderwood, north dakota. focuses on a massive necromancy-based criminal organization known as the graveyard and the characters who end up wrapped in its decade-old conspiracies in their attempts to either escape it or go further in. current fav <333333 but also heavily in development

main characters:

daniella (she/her): forensic analyst who starts independently investigating the graveyard after a corpse gets stolen from her workplace

vanya (she/her): 10 year old girl & graveyard trainee (THERE ARE GOOD IN-UNIVERSE REASONS FOR THIS) who starts going to a therapist in hopes she can magically fix her anger issues

galen (he/him): the therapist in question & an aspiring poet. absolutely mediocre at his job. has a bunch of other Normal Stuff going on don't even worry about it. current #1 fav <33333333

pyrite (she/her): high-ranking member of the sonderwood branch looking to climb higher in the ranks, has a deal with daniella to give her information on the graveyard

blythe (aka tourmaline) (she/they): member of the sonderwood branch and sibling to its regent/boss, lucian (aka vivianite) (they/them). extremely strained relationship with their sibling.

rattenkönig (he/him): late governor's son and boss of the milstone branch. kindly sad old man :) totally not responsible for half the fucking content warnings [eye twitch] also the tag for this guy is gonna be just rattenkonig without the accent bc i am not copy pasting every single time i write his name sorry chat

donnie (they/them): head of a semi-organization focused on sheltering criminals. decades-long beef with rattenkönig for reasons unknown.

jackrabbit (???, referred to with they/them for the time being): lol

content warnings:

non-sexual/romantic grooming (specifically grooming into criminal activity, eg murder) (occurs to both adult and child parties) (though sexual abuse is not covered in the graveyard shift, and this form of grooming is explicitly non-sexual and non-romantic, grooming utilizes very similar tactics no matter what form it is in. depictions/discussion may still be triggering to people who have undergone sexual or romantic grooming (or any other form). please proceed with caution.)

emotional abuse & manipulation

organizational abuse

familial abuse

child abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc.

victim-blaming (including by wider public audiences. it takes a long time for some victims to get happy endings and others don't get that at all.)

cover-ups of abuse and other violent crimes. there are abusers who get away with their actions for a very very long time and potentially instances of some who never get outed at all.

transphobia (not a running theme but there is at least one instance of this and characters are frequently affected by internalized transphobia)

graphic violence, death, murder, physical assault, etc. (par for the course for a story focused on the mafia)

kidnapping & hostage situations

suicide & suicidal ideation, possibly self-harm (undecided)

unhealthy coping mechanisms

toxic relationships

adoption-related trauma

in-depth depictions of PTSD & other traumagenic disorders

body horror (in relation to re-animated corpses)

additionally, as this story is heavily centric around abuse & cycles of abuse/violence, there will be heavy examination of abusive characters. abusers are not one-dimensional villains and will not be treated as such. depictions of abusers as being complex or having positive traits, or hell even bettering themselves, do not excuse or absolve them from their actions even slightly. some characters who do horrendous things (while, again, not absolved of their actions) will be getting "redemption arcs" as self-improvement & rehabilitation is one of the story's major themes.

-

the death spiral

set after a magical apocalypse that wiped out society, creating a supercontinent where creatures with anomalous abilities called harbingers run amok. the capitalist country at the center of the continent, muezihia, is haunted by an ancient prophecy that speaks of a prophecy hero who will save society by bringing some form of mass collapse or upheaval and, later, rebirth. the only problem: the prophecy keeps repeating no matter how many times it's supposedly fulfilled.

main characters:

kit (she/her): suspiciously early prophecy hero candidate who's spent her life concealing that candidacy in hopes of leading a normal life for a while. i'm sure you can guess how that goes

foxtrot (she/her): another prophecy hero candidate, the first known half-human half-harbinger and raised to be a celebrity from birth

dr. blake (he/him (act I), he/they (act II), he/she/they (act III)): disgruntled scientist at symbiosa, the Definitely Ethical megacorp that studies harbingers & the prophecy

jaidre (he/him): former hero and ceo/overseer of symbiosa cursed to become a huge spider a century ago now hes moping in a cave in an alternate dimension LMFAOOOOO

gwyneth (she/her): most recent hero before kit. ex-symbiosa scientist who supposedly created foxtrot in her awesome hidden lab and mysteriously disappeared

content warnings:

workplace abuse/exploitation (psychological & physical if we're counting murder)

animal abuse/experimentation

body horror/transformation

medical horror

violence, death, murder, etc.

queerphobia (specifically against non-binary & aromantic/asexual characters) (internalized & systemic)

insects & heavy bug theming

child abandonment & mistreatment (possibly emotional abuse; unsure but keep in mind)

imagery around decomposition, rotting, anything in a similar vein

elements of cosmic horror

apocalyptic/post-apocalyptic setting

-

nemesis antivirus

this one i am not going to discuss in detail bc the subject matter isnt something id like to cover here 👍 know it's about a 13-year-old girl who downloads a half-cybersecurity edutainment game half-antivirus and realizes her game avatar has become sentient and is up to some shenanigans like being her cool new friend and also murder

main characters:

liz (she/her (during the entire story at least bc there is no way she's not an egg)): the 13-year-old girl in question. horrifically isolated irl and going thru some shit online (aka the place she considers her only safe haven); downloads nemesis antivirus out of desparation

nellie (she/they/it): liz's sentient game avatar who is strangely fine-tuned to be a perfect friend for her. fiercely protective and takes her job as an eliminator of online threats extremely seriously.

content warnings:

again i'm not going to go super in-depth on this bc the subject matter is too heavy but know it's generally about online abuse and contains a lot of deconstruction of revenge fantasies/the idea of revenge and the responsibility that abuse victims may have towards preventing abuse and protecting people like them 👍

-

the consumption of lotus institute

super wip but it's about a silly facility full of animal people, the staff who manage the facility and the ai who runs the whole show. again hopefully this is gonna end up a larger universe so not much of an overarching plot yet but the current main story branch is about the aftermath of an incident where adult humans are kidnapped from the surface by rogue staff and fed to the ai to be experimented on.

main characters (for the current story branch):

minerva madigan (she/they): "lead caretaker" of the facility, aka she's the head of the department managing the animal people & their wellbeing. prioritizes keeping the peace & keeping people happy at any cost. she's trying her best but ooooh god girl........

conan (she/her): survivor of the adult experiments; half-grey wolf. reluctantly took the facility's offer to live a life of luxury with them as an apology though she's got a bunch of weird feelings about the handling of the situation that she's pretending aren't there.

pallas (she/her): only other survivor of the adult experiments and minerva's ex before all that shit happened. EXTREMELY pissed at the staff for their poor handling of the whole experiment situation. disappeared into the depths of the facility where the ai inhabits.

the ai (temporary name) (it/its): sentient but non-sapient. this thing is an animals. driven solely by its own curiosities. has to be constantly babysat by the staff

content warnings:

human experimentation (including major complications such as death or being locked in a comatose state)

medical horror

body horror

kidnapping

violence, death, murder, etc etc

mass cover-ups of situations involving the above

-

ok i think that's mostly all of them but i also have some ocs for fandoms and such (mainly warrior cats) that i am going to put here later probably <333

will be updated as time goes on ofc

[c-is-for-circinate]

Wait, isn't "anti" stuff more like "anti-pedophilia" and stuff? Like, you have a point about anti-porn attitudes, but from what I've heard just "anti" on its own means against stuff like kid porn and incest porn and legitimately f*cked up sh*t like that.

Okay!  So this, I think, is actually a great example of what I was talking about, and a really useful thing to understand.  (CW rape, child abuse, etc)

Smarter people than me have written much better essays about why policing thoughtcrimes is a bad road to go down, and I will probably reblog some of them next time they cross my dash for more context.  What I want to talk about is the trigger mechanism, the ‘oh, this looks like danger!!!’ immune response in how we look at different kinds of porn, and how that applies to anti culture.

Here’s the thing: I am anti-pedophilia.  I think that, for most people, that’s a stance that largely goes without saying!  Adults who prey on children are bad.  I’m also against incest; relatives who prey on their family members are bad.  Above all I oppose rape.  Sexual predation of any kind is bad.  In fact, I’d say that’s the most important item on the list.  There is plenty of room to argue about where the lines are between ‘adult’ and ‘child’ and how teenagers fit in the middle, and there’s plenty of room to get historical about the lines between ethically terrible incest, distasteful-but-bearable “aristocratic inbreeding” between distant cousins, and the kind of consanguinity that tends to develop in a small town where everyone’s vaguely related to everyone else by now anyway.  The core of the issue is consent, and it has always been consent.  Pedophilia and incest are horrific because they are rape scenarios where the abuser has far more power and their victim far fewer resources to cope, both practically and emotionally; because harm to children is, to us as a culture, worse than harm to adults, for a lot of very valid reasons; and because they constitute betrayal of trust the victim should have been able to put in their abuser as well as rape--but they are all rape scenarios, and that’s why they’re awful. 

These things are bad.  It is good for us to have a social immune response system that recognizes these things when they’re happening and insists we step in.  That is a good thing to develop!  It helps us, as a society.  It can help the people being victimized.  It’s the same reason educators and childcare workers in the US are all mandated reporters, why we do background checks on people working near kids.  These things happen, and they’re terrible, and it’s good that we try to be aware and prepared for them.  (Though obviously studies show we’re a lot less good at protecting the vulnerable than we’d like to pretend we are.)

The question is: why does that same social immune response trigger, and trigger so angrily, in response to fiction?

Anti culture is fundamentally an expression of that social immune response.  Specifically, it’s that social immune response when it is set off by a situation that, while it has some similarities to the very bad real-life crime of sexual predation including pedophilia and incest, is in and of itself harmless.

If you’re instinct is to flare up in anger or dismissiveness because I’m calling these things harmless, I want to ask you to just take a deep breath and bear with me for a bit longer.  What you’re feeling right now is an allergic reaction.

Humans tell and read and listen to stories about “legitimately fucked up shit” all the time.  It’s part of the human condition.  It’s part of how we process those things happening, not just to use, but to other people in the world around us.  It’s part of how we process completely unrelated fucked-up shit, playing with fears and furies and insecurities that we all have, through so may layers of fiction that we don’t even recognize them any more, playing with power dynamics in metaphor and making characters suffer for fun.  Aside from the fact that literally all stories do this to some extent or another; aside from the fact that drawing lines between ‘ok that’s good storytelling’ and ‘that’s too fucked-up to write about’ is arbitrary, subjective, and dangerous in its own right; aside from all of that, these stories are stories.  All of them. 

Even the ones about rape, about incest, about pedophilia.  They’re words on a page.  No real children were harmed, touched, or even glanced at in the making of this work of fiction.  This story, pornographic though it may be, is part of a conversation between consenting adults.  (And if a teenager lies about their age to consent, that is a different problem altogether.)

Stories in and of themselves, no matter what they’re about, are no more dangerous than a crate full of oranges.  Which is to say: utterly harmless, unless all you have to eat is oranges, all day every day, and you find yourself dying slowly of nutrient deficiency--which is why representation matters.  Or unless someone wields one deliberately, violently, as a tool to cause harm, and someone gets acid in their eye--which is the fault of the person holding the orange. And unless you happen to be allergic to citrus.

The key here is this twofold understanding:  First, the thing that hurts you can also have value to others.  Real, legitimate value.  Whether you’ve undergone trauma and certain story elements are straight-up PTSD triggers or you just don’t like orange juice, that story, those tropes, that crate of oranges may be somewhere between icky and fundamentally abhorrent--but we understand that that is still your reaction.  Even if you don’t understand how anybody could ever enjoy it; even if every single person you surround yourself with is as sensitive and disgusted and itchy about this thing that makes your eyes hurt and your throat stop working as you; that doesn’t make it true for everyone.  That doesn’t make oranges poisonous.  No real children were involved in the writing of this story.  It is words on a page.

But, secondly: the thing that has value to others can also hurt you.  Just because a story isn’t inherently poison doesn’t mean it can’t cause you, personally, pain.  That’s what a PTSD trigger is: an allergic reaction, psychological anaphylaxis, a brain that’s trying so hard to protect its own from a threat that isn’t actually present (but was once, and the brain is trained to respond) that it causes far more harm and misery than the trigger itself possibly could.  And no, it’s not just people with PTSD who sometimes get hurt by stories.  There are many, many ways a story can poke the part of your brain that says, this is Bad, I don’t like this, I don’t want to be here.  The story is still, always, every time, pixels on a screen and ink on paper.  The story causes no physical harm.  But it can poke your brain into misery, it can stir up your emotions, it can make you want to cringe and run away.  It can make you want to scream and fight and go after the author who brought this thing into existence.  It can make you hurt.

This is an allergic reaction.  This is your brain and body, your reflexes and instincts, trying to protect you from something that isn’t really happening.  And just like a literal allergic reaction, it can do actual harm to you if it gets set off.  This is real.  The fact that stories can upset you to the point of pain and mental/emotional injury is real, even though it’s coming from your own brain and not the story itself.  There are stories you shouldn’t read.  There are stories I shouldn’t read, regret reading, will never read, because they hurt me.  That doesn’t mean they’re the same stories that would hurt you.  That doesn’t mean they don’t have value.

And, finally:

If getting upset about stories is fundamentally an individual person’s allergic reaction, their brain freaking out and firing off painful survival instincts in the face of a thing that isn’t, in and of itself, a threat?  Then the anti movement is a cultural allergic reaction.

Fandom as a whole has a pretty active immune system, which doesn’t mean we have a good immune system.  We try very hard to be aware of all the viruses and -isms and abuse and manipulation and cruelty, both systematic and individual, that exists around and within our community.  We’re primed and ready to shout about things at all times.  The anti movement is that system, that culture, screaming and shouting and fighting at a harmless thing on a grand scale.  It wants to stop that thing, that scary awful thing that trips all of its well-primed danger sensors, at all costs.  It’ll swell up and block off our airways (our archives) if it has to.  It’ll turn on the body it came from.  It’s scared and protective and trying to fight, and it’s ready to fight and destroy itself.

Luckily, fans and fanfic and fandom and fan culture are a lot bigger and older than they often get credit for, and it’s not like these cultural allergies are anything new.  We could talk about shippers and slashers in the X-Files fandom in the 90s.  We could talk about the birth of fandom in the days of Star Trek.  We could talk about censorship and book burning going back centuries.  We survived that and we’ll survive this, too.

But god, does the anti movement my throat and eyes itch.  Man is it irritating, and sometimes a little suffocating, to realize how many stories just aren’t getting told out of fear of what the antis will say.  And that’s the real danger, I think.  What are we losing that would have so much value to someone?  What are we missing out?

[jessica-problems]

The women in Chainsaw Man are pretty much universally well developed and fleshed out characters treated with at least as much respect by the narrative as the men. Easily head and shoulders above ANYthing else in shonen jump. Honestly, I think you could make an argument that, outside of a few male main cast members, the story is MUCH more interested in exploring the inner lives of the women. But first, you should know is that the entire narrative is basically about kicking the protagonist Denji in the balls over and over again until he's a shivering traumatized wreck, then kicking him in the balls again, then easing off so he has a moment of hope, then kicking him in the balls twice as hard when he least expects it. He is...slowly, recovering from old traumas, but new ones keep replacing them. Most of the women show up in the narrative in ways that end up hurting him, because most of EVERYTHING in the narrative exists to hurt him. Sometimes it's straightforward, like someone tries to kill him. Sometimes it's more complex, like a messy almost-romance that leaves him with complex trust issues he's still struggling with 150 chapters later. Outside of that, they run the full range of types of people. There's everyone from an annoying gross little sister, a relatively normal coworker trying her best to survive the same meat grinder Denji is being put through, all the way up to one of the most frightening depictions of a sexual abuser I have ever seen in fiction. (if there's something that triggers you, ABSOLUTELY look up a content warning guide beforehand.) Sometimes, the story will take a chapter or two to flesh out their own full lives that have nothing to do with Denji. Also, there's plenty of quirky women as side characters. Like, at one point, he kills a demon, and the demon's wife shows up to get revenge. And she yells at him and takes a few moments to grieve her dead husband, before being another cool boss fight. One of the main themes of the story is Denji's weird stupid terrible relationship with gender and sexuality. The story is FULLY aware of how utterly lacking his understanding of sex and romance is. He is an extremely horny character, but would NEVER do ANYthing without a woman's very explicit consent. Like, both in a normal "bare minimum not a sex pest" way, but also in a deeply pathological "please learn to have some agency over your own life don't let her control you" kind of way. Early on in the story, a few of the female characters do weird shit that plays into ecchi tropes, specifically because they knows he's a horny idiot and they're manipulating him. The story is 100% aware that these scenes range from disappointing, to mildly uncomfortable, to deeply traumatic for one or both parties. It takes the time to explore what kind of fucked up woman would actually do something like that. Over 150 chapters in, Denji still struggles with trust and intimacy and sexuality, largely because of all the trauma. It's not entirely a joke to say this series is about Denji discovering every single possible way to NOT have a healthy relationship. But it's not like they all hate him. They have their own lives with their own shit going on. Some of which are comparable to all the shit Denji goes through.

I'll take one for the team and ask: any thoughts on the women of Chainsaw Man?

Ah I never read it! Though I’ve been meaning to for ages. I don’t tend to go into shonen jump with high expectations for how they handle women tho lol

[vivacissimx]

really interested what do you think about daemon and rhaenyra as couple! i would love to read your daemon/rhaenyra metas 😩💕 their relationship is kinda creepy but also fucking delicious the power imbalance shift just make it hotter 😩

oh this is a setup 😂 cause people are not gonna agree with me and that's fine

the first domino to fall was baelon's death. while baelon was alive he seems to have been able to keep his sons in check, but soon after he dies daemon quickly develops a reputation as a rogue, as someone who preys on young girls, as volatile and dangerous. daemon believes the ends justify the means. daemon targaryen does not take well to being told no. all this leads up to his rift with viserys (a guy famously willing to enable daemon!)

now daemon groomed rhaenyra. she was too young and isolated in a court that half loved half reviled her to be any match for him. unlike daemon's other girls & unlike other targ women who face abuse, rhaenyra had the benefit of a father who could & did send daemon away immediately after. however like most of viserys' actions it didn't solve the root of the issue (throwing rhaenyra at laenor after - to salvage her reputation, to reconcile with house velaryon, all of which ignores that laenor's reputation was no better) nor did it go far enough (allowing daemon to return a few years later).

[and is he the only one to prey on rhaenyra? criston cole turning on rhaenyra so viciously & immediately when she displayed any sexual autonomy is a result of his obvious madonna-whore complex. he did nothing of the sort when mr. bitches aegon ii had multiple bastards. is it clear this is a story about misogyny yet?]

rhaenyra on dragonstone has what seems to be steady relationships with harwin strong and laenor, and a seat of power without the divisions of king's landing set against her. her rships with laena & daemon appear to be made on more equal ground. however the fact that she betrothed her kids to theirs is kinda sus - why so young, was she courting them as allies? was it done out of affection? as concessions to corlys & rhaenys to ensure that their bloodline sat the throne? or was it for daemon, to appease him?

generally speaking, rhaenyra has complicated relationships with men. there's her father, who makes her his heir, honors her, but also is the cause for the greatest threats to her future and banishes her to dragonstone after the aemond incident. there's criston, who idealizes her then wants to punish her. there's harwin, there's laenor, both men who are her allies then are murdered - to isolate her, likely.

rhaenyra is never alone for long. in this i think she displays a mindset that many abuse survivors have difficulty getting out from under.

with that in mind, by all appearances yes rhaenyra wielded power over daemon in their avunculate marriage. whatever she asked, he did. he did the dirty work whether or not she wanted him to. did rhaenyra ever ask herself if maybe daemon had a hand in laenor or harwin's deaths? did she ever wonder if he might try to harm her first three children to put a son of his own on the throne? my guess is yes she at least considered it, that she approached him as pragmatically as she could (ex. turning a blind eye to his sexual relationship with mysaria), that she deemed it wiser to keep him close. let him do as he pleased. summon him when she had "need of him."

to me the peak of their relationship is when daemon takes out the biggest threat against her (aemond/vhagar) at the cost of his own life, because nobody else could have and he did it "for her." it's the closest thing we get to him doing any reflection, in that he refused to return to king's landing in order to feed into the maladaptive dynamic he once courted. i'm personally more inclined to view rhaenyra targaryen's life in the lens of manipulation & misogyny than to synthesize it as a love story. of course i understand how others feel otherwise on this couple - they're written in a codependent and twisted way that is compelling as a story! this is all purely my take on them

[blouptalking]

Boy’s Abyss

Shounen no Abyss

Minenami Ryo

114 chapters (ongoing)

drama, psychological, tragedy

TW: suicide, eating disorder, rape, sexual assault, bullying, pedophilia, nudity

“In a town with nothing, in the middle of a daily life with seemingly no signs of change, high schooler Reiji Kurose was "just" living. Family, dreams for the future, childhood friends. All of them were binding him down to that city. He thought he would "just" keep on living like that. Until he met her. Is there hope in living? Is there light waiting ahead? It's the start of a boy meets girl series which reflects the "now".”

(resume from AniList)

Story: 8/10

Pfiou that was something. I haven’t read a manga with so many chapters in a while so I think I’ll have a lot to say on this one. First of all, I feel like the summary of the story does not explain the entire plot and that it is misleading in a way. I was expecting a story about a boy who has met his all-time favorite idol, but it turns out that this idol is not all bright and pretty and, basically, just that. However, it turned out that Nagi Aoe, the idol, was not even a recurrent character in the story. She’s important for the plot, yes, but she doesn't show up much and other characters easily take center stage in the manga. I was also very disappointed in the first 20 chapters and I almost dropped the manga because minispoiler alert: in 20 chapters the MC fucked/kissed all the female character introduced at least once. I really thought it was some kind of fanservice and I was dealing with some kind of silly harem manga hidden under the cover of a "deeply depressing manga". But the scenes were meaningful to the story, I suppose. It also stops far later in the story and there are fewer scenes like that. Even though there was some things I didn't really appreciate in the story, I think every struggle and sensitive issues were well presented. I wouldn’t say that it was well developed thought.

Art: 9/10

Lovely. Very lovely. Everything looked great. Especially the colour pages and the volume covers. I love the color palette chosen by the artist.

The only thing missing from a 10/10 is that sometimes some panels were full of bubble talk. Like FULL of them. And I know it was probably to accentuate the craziness of the character, but I'm not going to lie I just skipped those pages...

Cast: 6/10

Come to think of it, the main character wasn't so interesting. His character could be resumed to a boy getting sexually and mentally abused by every woman around him. The female characters of this manga were either very annoying or non-existent to the story. I hated every pages with Chako in it (fuck her I swear), and the mother, Yuko, scared me. I have the impression that the teacher was the only well-written character. While what she did to Reiji was very wrong, the entire relationship was very well depicted as toxic. It shows that no matter the context, the student is always the victim in a teacher-student relationship. Because the teacher is older and have more power over the student so they can manipulate them very easily.

Enjoyment: 6/10

I had planned to give an 8/10 to this manga because I enjoyed my reading session. But I just had a nap and the whole thing was repeating itself in my head while I was sleeping. On top of the fact that I'm really sick today, I blame this manga for the atrocious headache I'm having right now. It doesn't make sense and the manga isn't to blame for my disease, but I don't care, I need somebody to blame hehe.

Overall: 7/10