#and make stan the macho man in any relationship

[alaskan-wallflower]

yall i actually found art of cartman and the little person (mr nilson i think) and it was ship art

i was right. newest ship on the block 💀

[hereticpridevinyl]

Ok I finished your gay!dean manifesto and SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE!! I am incabible of putting words together and sounding coherent cause my brain is melting from my ears and psalms 40:2 has gone and replaced it. Gonna think about it for life but honestly it’s made me such a gay!dean stan now! Can I hear more of your thoughts on it and just why cause it’s so big-brained snd there but I feel like my head has been caved in by the concept cause how tf am i only seeing this NOW???

first of all, i'm so glad you enjoyed my fic! thanks for reading :)

as for the gay dean brainrot... WELCOME BESTIE, JOIN US! gonna preface this all by saying that i adore every sexuality headcanon for dean (except straight—vile energy. evil, even, and wrong) and as a bi person i would be remiss if i didn't acknowledge how wonderful bi dean is. however. HOWEVER.

(under the cut because this got away from me enormously)

i've talked about this a lot on twitter, and i know a lot of people have said this more eloquently than i, but i'll try to sum up my thoughts here.

the way dean is into women is so incredibly performative that often it can't help but be read as an act. there's almost a routine to it: dean meets Beautiful Woman, dean flirts with Beautiful Woman, dean (sometimes, but not always) sleeps with Beautiful Woman, dean pats himself on the back for fulfilling his role of Most Hetero Man In America. it's as if being into women is another aspect of his job, another skill he was taught and forced to utilize, much the same way he was taught to hunt. in early seasons, dean's interactions with woman quickly gain a stale, rote sort of taste. we as the audience expect dean will hit on any attractive woman he sees; dean as a character seems to expect it of himself. there's no anticipation behind these interactions. they're predictable and often lead nowhere—especially if dean thinks the woman is unattainable. dean's hot-blooded all-american cishet lady's man persona is just that—a persona.

we see the cracks in this persona most often during moments that are ostensibly played for laughs. haha, dean likes a show about a sexy male doctor! he gets flustered when he's around the lead haha! he's so masculine and straight and tough but he falls apart when his favorite wrestler shakes his hand and winks at him! he can't form a coherent sentence when he thinks this man is flirting with him, and he's so flustered that he doesn't try to stop it haha! he's psyching himself up for this hookup with a woman because it's funny if he's not confident! look, he likes wearing panties and his comfy bed and cooking for his family and dressing up like a cowboy but those are all things he does in private because he's actually very straight and manly! see? in an effort to make dean seem incontrovertibly heterosexual, his character becomes a parody of himself. these brief moments that we're supposed to laugh at become tragic; watching dean winchester perform his compulsory heterosexuality becomes a waiting game, seeking out those flashes of his true self, his most genuine self, from-moment-to moment.

and then something insane happens: post-season 12, dean stops hooking up with women at all.

his hookups had been waning in the two or three seasons leading up to this point, but after s12 he stops trying completely. it's as if that aggressive need to perform this learned role eventually died out. he just... stops. late seasons dean is a man who would rather stay home and watch lost boys with his husband and his brother and their son for the millionth time than have sex with a woman he's never going to see again. this is who he becomes—and the show forgets to make us laugh this time.

and we all know that supernatural has a disease that almost always keeps them from writing women well—all marginalized groups, actually, but that's a topic for another rambling post—which could be a significant factor as to why dean's most compelling romance-coded relationships are with men, but it can't be the only reason. sam's relationships with women are frequently interesting to watch, and if not groundbreaking, they seem natural. there isn't anything forced or performative about sam being into a woman. obviously the brothers are very different people and cannot be compared one-to-one, but there's definitely something to be said about sam's lack of go crazy go stupid hot girl summer star-crossed lovers cas-benny-crowley situation that dean's got going on at all times.

in my opinion, the best chemistry dean has with a woman is charlie—and while that's very strictly platonic seeing as she's a whole lesbian and probably wouldn't go for dean even if she wasn't, it's undeniable that there's just something intoxicating about watching them on screen together. while i might be biased with this analysis, i think it's worth pointing out: it's like dean's letting out a breath he's been holding his whole life when he's with her. because he knows she's unavailable, he knows there's no world in which she'd be into him, and therefore he doesn't have to bother putting on his macho straight dude persona. he doesn't have to go through the motions of hitting on her, or sleeping with her, because it's out of the question. he can be himself. turns out, "himself" is a huge fucking nerd who likes to pretend he's someone he isn't and hang out with a woman because he loves being her friend and not any other reason. the axe of heterosexuality is no longer hanging over his head.

there's a throwaway interaction way back in s2e11 that sums this up more succinctly than i can:

DEAN: of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we're gay?

SAM: well, you are kinda butch. probably think you're overcompensating.

DEAN: (pause) right.

we've got some splendid jacting here where dean gets control of the vessel for a moment and sort of nervously smiles at sam, a sad kind of scoff that just gets me. here's another moment where we're supposed to laugh, but there's nothing funny about the way dean reacts to sam's words. there's no overblown anger, there's no begrudging laugh, he doesn't roll his eyes. he just smiles. looks down. doesn't argue.

[inmyarmswrappedin]

ok now i need to hear more of your thoughts about the remakes and how they adapted even’s favorite films

Hi anon 🎬 Sure!

So, first off, the thing about Baz Luhrmann is that he makes unapologetic love story movies. His movies have elements of action and adventure, but they’re first and foremost love stories, and that makes him stand out from other big movie directors. His movies aren’t even romcoms, first because they don’t have happy endings (as Even notes in the video with Mikael) but also because the setting is never contemporary. Like even aside The Great Gatsby or Moulin Rouge, which are not set in the present day, Romeo + Juliet does ostensibly have 90s technology. But since the characters speak in Shakespearean verse, it gives the movie an atemporal feel. So this is a super tragic, super romantic movie that is actually super toxic for Even to model his life after, because Even is convinced that, in order for him and Isak to be in true love (for any love story to be valid), their story has to end badly. 

In Skam, Even provides the twist himself, by starting to make references (and model his life after) Pretty Woman when he starts to become manic. Pretty Woman is like, far from a non problematic movie lmao. But it does have an unlikely happy ending, and it’s through Isak’s understanding of how Even sees Romeo + Juliet and Pretty Woman, that he is able to ultimately reassure Even that their love story doesn’t have to end tragically.

So anyway, the fact that Even unabashedly loves this super romantic movie makes him mysterious and attractive and passionate, because it’s not a dude bro action or superhero movie. By loving this movie, Even is rejecting the macho persona Isak so badly wants to project.

I’ll start with the examples I like lol:

Only Lovers Left Alive: David identifies with this movie to the point that his cartoon persona is a vampire. Like Adam in the movie, he dresses in all black. He is convinced that he’s a monster who can’t live in society because he will be rejected. So it’s pretty clear how this movie is toxic for David. But I also think the movie is sooo telling of David’s actual desires. David likes to pretend that he can go it alone, that he doesn’t need anyone, that he wouldn’t take anyone with him in the case of a catastrophe. But... The movie is about Adam and Eve, the titular only lovers left alive. By loving this movie to the extent that he does, David is parading his major yearning for a forever partner. And like, of course he eventually asks Matteo to run away with him, but Matteo demonstrates how innately he understands David by telling him he does want a relationship with David, but he doesn’t want the toxicity of acting like they’re two monsters who’ve been cast aside from society. 

Dangerous Liaisons: I think Skam España took an interesting route by choosing to not have Cris verbally connect the dots (like Druck did). The thing is, Dangerous Liaisons is a tragic love story, yes, but a love story between Valmont and Tourvel, whereas Joana projects on the Marquise de Merteuil, who is all but the villain in the story. Tragic story aside, Romeo and Juliet do love each other, as do Adam and Eve. Joana’s idea of romance (and of herself by extension since she projects on Merteuil) doesn’t even allow for loving and being loved back in return, because no one in Dangerous Liaisons loves Merteuil, and Merteuil herself has become so twisted that she can’t even call her feelings for Valmont “love” (though that’s how Joana interprets them). And the thing is, Joana still finds beauty in the movie! She writes Cris a letter with the edges burned out because it reminds them both of the story. She wants to meet at a specific park because it reminds her of the movie. So it’s just so... beautiful, that Cris takes all of this and just gives Joana the Liaisons dangereuses book. Like, she is lowkey reminding Joana that the book is just a book, that Joana is a real person (within the Skam España story I mean lmao) and not a twisted awful villain, that she is loved, and that Dangerous Liaisons can be their thing (like “their” song, but a movie in this case) without having to be the horrible thing that will destroy them. I really like that the writers chose to imply all these things in their minutt for minutt scene, without saying them explicitly. 

Last Man on Earth: Honestly, like I don’t particularly have a big issue with Skam Italia making this Niccolò’s thing, other than it’s so... dude bro-y bland? Like one thing you can say about Romeo + Juliet, Only Lovers Left Alive and Dangerous Liaisons is that they are all such high key romantic (as in, emotions running high) movies, it’s what makes Even, David and Joana so mysterious and attractive and passionate. If I knew someone who told me he projects on Last Man on Earth I’d be like, “The Good Place is better” or “if you wanted to stan a SNL cast member, Andy Samberg was right there.” I mean, I do think Bessegato knew what the point of Even’s movie was, but Last Man on Earth is exactly the type of dude bro material I would expect from him, and would not expect from an Even. 

Polaris: Polaris is an undeveloped motif who seems interesting because of the dark and light aspects, and I claim my five pounds. Polaris is in no way toxic for Eliott, like all the others movies and show (even Last Man on Earth) were for the other characters. It’s just... cute. Cute like everything about Eliott is cute and nothing more. Eliott drawing himself as a raccoon is cute because he has a mask and is nocturnal! Whereas Lucas is small and defensive like a hedgehog! And Lucille is elegant and mean like a cat! Etc. This motif is never really developed or explored, it’s never given a twist, Eliott is in fact still obsessed with it 3 seasons later, just like he was obsessed with it before he met Lucas and it was Idriss he envisioned in the other role. There’s no growth, Eliott just never progresses beyond what Polaris represents for him. It sure is cute as fuck though, which is why the stans love it.

 ???:  Does Sander even have a movie? I heard he likes Baz Luhrmann and maybe even Romeo + Juliet, but this isn’t really explored. I don’t think even David Bowie’s life or sexuality or various musical personas (like you could do something with Ziggy Stardust or Aladdin Sane if you couldn’t think of a movie) are explored. Sander likes Bowie like he could like Iggy Pop or Freddie Mercury, queer music icons who for the most part are “safe” for straight men to stan without their sexuality getting called into question. I assume Robbesander stans think the lack of an Even’s movie motif is a sign of excellent writing, and proves Sander is a better Even because he doesn’t project on anything toxic or whatever the hell, just like Robbe is the best Isak because he was so good at letting Zoë and Senne have drama uninterrupted. 

[lesbiradshaw]

one of the reasons i almost NEVER read fics with CA steve and modern bucky is because they twinkify him and ..... i hate it so much. they always write steve as this super macho alpha man, and bucky as this modern virgin. likeeee where are my fics with middle aged bucky meeting CA steve a few years after he's out the ice, and being one of the first people to treat him like a person not a character. and who fucks steve slow and swee5 because "you deserve tender loving, sweetheart."

They sap everything that mcu bucky is, the charm, the charisma, the look and the experience and transpose it onto steve and it makes 0 sense

AUs are fun to me because you can change the time and place and universe of your chosen characters and yet their love and personalities stay constant no matter what ... so when AUs change their entire characterization and core aspects of their stories into something that makes them unrecognizable as themselves it’s like. what’s the point of choosing those specific characters then? and ofc you can change characters’ appearances in an au but the fact that SO many people make bucky this tiny hairless twig who is a decade younger than steve ... and steve this weirdly macho silver fox daddy dom ... when neither of them have ever displayed those traits in canon (especially bucky) ... it’d odd. what makes that version of bucky Bucky? they take away everything special about him and make him 2010s sebastian stan (and ditto with steve being made into 2010s cevans). what’s the point ... shrunkyclunks or whatever it’s called could be so good especially when you consider that without bucky a lot of steve’s life would have been spent even more alone and he would crave that closeness meeting bucky offers ... he could heal and find love and make a new home .. also making bucky modern doesnt mean he automatically cant have any trauma or lived experiences and not ALL of those experiences have to be him fighting in an ongoing war in the middle east as a backdrop to two white men dating in america or a romanticized version of an abusive relationship with rumlow 😭 my god. why can’t he have been in a car wreck and found healing through rock climbing as part of his physical therapy or something. why can’t he be a trainer at the gym steve goes to or steve’s neighbor who is in therapy works as a translator because he likes learning languages to help him focus past his anxiety. why is he always a barely 20s hairless college student with a twin sister and homophobic parents?! he’s canonically the oldest of the family and has said he and his parents were super close ... so why take that away ... what’s the reason. anyways. also let’s not pretend that changing the setting would change their private dynamic ... steve is a sweetheart who likes helping people and bucky is an asshole with a heart of gold who likes taking care of people too. it’s just who they are.

[prince-of-elsinore]

More reasons to enjoy Season 12

Part 2 to this post

These are just my (mostly) not too serious thoughts on things I enjoyed about season 12 (which believe me, I do have criticism of, but not for this post) now that I have finished my re-watch of it.

- they unfridged the original fridged woman. bold move, good course correction

- Mick as a foil to Sam, Ketch as a foil to Dean. That's all. 

- it's goddamn refreshing to have Sam and Dean on the same page most of the time! Like in 12x15 Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell, Sam has been keeping the secret that he's working with the BMOL. But the secret only lasts one episode, and when Sam realizes he needs to come clean, Dean doesn't blow up at him. Sam being honest and Dean being accepting of Sam's decision: both evidence of growth! And in 15x20 The Future, they're on the same page about not wanting to let Cass go with Kelly. They both think he's been brainwashed (b/c that is definitely what it looks like). I just like seeing them agree on stuff, ok?

- Sam embracing his life and feeling comfortable with himself!! I see this season as a turning point, especially for Sam. I don't believe he's simply been brow-beaten into accepting a life he hates; I think he's consciously choosing to embrace the good of what he does and to take pride in it. His relationship with hunting will never be the same as Dean's, but, like I said: they're on the same page. As he tells Mary in 12x14 The Raid--"I chose this life." This is mostly due to choosing Dean, more than choosing hunting, but in any case, it is a conscious choice and Sam is making the one that is worth it to him, the choice that brings him fulfillment. And he even sees new worth in hunting itself, in a way that is very much in line with his character, as he expresses in 12x18 The Memory Remains (which I talk about more here).

- and that newfound confidence and comfort with who he is allows Sam to take a huge step in 12x22 Who We Are. I was so proud of him when he says "I called you here" instead of "We called you here." Sam has always had an independent streak, and he's stepping out from Dean's shadow in a healthy way here. He's allowing himself to be an individual agent. I always felt that in the end, he needed something of his own to be fulfilled, more than hunting with Dean--either a mentorship or leadership position (both of which he gets in the late seasons). This is his first step towards that, and he's so capable of it! He is a badass and he leads the hunters to victory over the BMOL on his own. 

- and Dean lets him!! This is a huge step for Dean too! Of course he's still worried about Sam (the "you come back" gets me every time), but he's not insisting on being there to protect him. He believes in Sam. He tells Sam he's ready for this, and when Sam hears it from Dean, he knows it's true. They need each other, but here we're seeing need of a healthier type--the way no one is an island, and we all need the love and support of our friends/family. They offer each other that, and it gives them the strength they need. I was so proud of Dean in that moment.

- ALSO so proud of Dean for, for once, acknowledging his own needs. Trying to save Mary is the right task for Dean--he'll never give up on family. But in the process, he speaks some truths that needed speaking. Admitting that he was set up to fail in raising Sam, that his whole life has been so unfair. Letting himself feel resentment towards the family whose hold is so tight on him. But, at the end of the day, still choosing love. "I hate you. And I love you. 'Cause I can't – I can't help it. You're my Mom. And I understand... 'cause I have made deals to save the ones I love more than once." Dean understands better than anyone that sometimes love causes harm, but it's still love and who can blame a person who acts out of love? And the thing is, love can also redeem. And here, Mary and Dean, both of whom have made some terrible choices in the name of love, find their way back to each other through love. Dean gives Mary the forgiveness he seeks for himself. This is Dean at his best.

- and even Sam gets in on the action. He, too, chooses love, and forgiveness. The family hug at the end of Who We Are is EVERYTHING.

- ok Who We Are isn't the only good episode so I'm gonna backtrack to talk about some others, like 12x11 Regarding Dean--it's funny! It's sad! Carrying on a great spn tradition of episodes like Mystery Spot and Yellow Fever. The sticky notes are wonderful. Sam knowing Dean well enough to leave them in the trunk of the Impala, with a big "NO" over the grenade launcher. Dean holding up "Witch Killing Bullets" without saying a word. Pointing his gun in confusion at Sam, who yells and points, "Brother! Witch!" :)

- 12x12 Stuck in the Middle (With You)—who doesn’t love a Tarantino tribute? (Having just watched Kill Bill, I can certainly say I love it). And the return of the Colt! Crowley's "It’s amazing what some people just leave laying about." Snark king.

- 12x13 Family Feud—I want to write a longer meta about the theme of family and love and sacrifice in this episode, so I won't go into it here. But another nice thing is how united the brothers are in their anger when Mary reveals she's been working with the BMOL. It's the closest we get to addressing Sam's torture and violation at the beginning of the season. I get the feeling Dean isn't so angry b/c of what Lady Bevell did to him, but b/c of what she did to Sam, which makes me think he knows it was bad, and Dean supported Sam in whatever he needed after that, whether it was talking about it or just giving some space, etc. Love some defensive big brother Dean.

- 12x14 The Raid—Actually a pretty tense action episode. And Mick is cool.

- 12x16 Ladies Drink Free—The Mick team-up is fun (I like changing up the dynamics), as is seeing them stay in a 3 star hotel lol. Dean has some good moments that highlight his growth, too. His "I used to think the same thing, too" to Mick, as if it weren't already obvious that he's taken "saving people" more to heart than "hunting things." He's done a lot of work to evolve beyond who he was with the Mark of Cain and even before. He also makes it perfectly clear what he thinks of guys skeeving on underage girls, and it's nice the writers finally emphasize that Dean does not like that behavior. He's past the point in his life where he'd make a joke about cheerleaders being legal (back in season 4. Quick digression: that's definitely a gross thing to say, but I always saw it as performative more than a declaration of intent. He puts on what he thinks macho guys would say. Not that Dean doesn't oggle what he likes, but one thing has always been very clear to me about Dean--he's a fan of enthusiastic consent. Anyway this should probably be a longer post b/c I could talk about Dean and performative masculinity and sexual attraction ad nauseam so I'll leave it there)

- 12x18 The Memory Remains—I've already gone over in my previous meta what this ep says about legacy, but there are other fun things about it. Like a Goat-headed monster! Man, how long has it been since the bros took on an urban legend like this? Like... any since freakin' Bloody Mary? Also Dean being cool with the kid smoking weed. You just know he likes to light up sometimes. Man, I need more weed-smoking Dean in my life

- 12x20 Twigs and Twine and Tasha Banes--this is a good fuckin ep. Finally, someone else on this goddamn show is allowed to be as codependent and unwise as Sam and Dean, and isn't punished for it. Let Max keep his wood-puppet sister! (Wow I KNOW it's really fucked up b/c I guess he can control her, too, but damn if it isn't fascinating. And sad. I hope they figure out some way to restore her autonomy) I stan two (2) codependent witch twins

- 12x21 Something About Mary--I'm a sucker for the silent communication and flawless telepathy as Sam and Dean find the bug and lay the trap for the BMOL. And that letter from Eileen :C (Even if her thing with Sam leaves me cold, I'm glad she got to come back to life b/c she sure didn't deserve to go like that)

- Ok one more thing about Who We Are--I'm a sucker for the angst of them thinking they're gonna die trapped in the bunker. And then Dean comes through with the grenade launcher, AND gets out the hole before it caves in. BAMF. I love that they saved themselves rather than some deus ex machina. No Supernatural interference necessary. Not even any deals with reapers, etc.

- I lied, one MORE thing about Who We Are--Sam doesn't take the bad deal Hess offers him (to help with Lucifer)! Once upon a time, I believe that Sam would have been so scared that he'd take the deal with the snake, masking his fear and foolishness as pragmatism. But he knows his own worth now. He knows he doesn't need the BMOL, terrified as he is.

- Finally, it was sad to say goodbye to Crowley in the finale, but it was a worthy end. You'll be missed, Fergus MacLeod.

[encounterthepast]

Endings Beginnings: A Review by Meghan White

Says everything I wanted to say only better

Sebastian Stan and Jamie Dornan are done a disservice by this film.

"There’s a moment in Drake Doremus’ ENDINGS, BEGINNINGS that affected me deeply.  Curled on her side, Shailene Woodley’s Daphne is held tight by her on-again-off-again “fuck buddy”, Frank (Sebastian Stan).  What appears on the surface to be a tender moment is in fact something more disturbing; surrounded by strangers and dependent upon him for transportation, he’s manipulated her into a situation from which she can’t escape.  I recognized myself in Daphne’s face, contorted in silent agony; I’d once heard the equivalent of Frank’s slurred, meaningless placations.  What Woodley and Stan manage to capture in this scene is never again replicated in a film mired by clichés.

In an attempt to turn the well-worn (white, attractive, heterosexual) love triangle trope on its head, Doremus and co-writer Jardine Libaire penned a story told from the female point-of-view.  It follows Daphne—in stilted editing choices, dreamy ambient lighting, and infuriating close-ups—as she navigates the doldrums of her early thirties.  She quits her job, ends a stable relationship, and moves in with her sister.   Unaware of their friendship, she tests the romantic waters with two different men she meets at a party.  Her head and her heart must battle it out (blah, blah, blah) as she samples both the sweet, stable Jack (Jamie Dornan) and the diametrical wild child, Frank.

Unfortunately, inversion of a trope doesn’t equate to actual subversion.  We aren’t given much reason to care about any of the characters who orbit Daphne’s life.  Dornan and Stan are wasted; the offense is particularly egregious in the latter’s case.  Frank is the macho manic pixie dream boy.  He smokes and drinks and is essentially a life support system for a penis (yes, the film leans into the reductive misconception that a man’s skill as a lover can be, uh, measured, emphasised by the fact they felt the need for a stunt cock).

Imagine if the filmmakers had the guts to give us something legitimately subversive instead.  At the film’s Q&A, Jamie Dornan stated that while watching the film, he “fell deeply, madly in love with Sebastian Stan.”  Now wouldn’t that have been something?  Frank makes a point of telling both Daphne and the audience how much he loves his best friend, though we’re never shown why.   I’m compelled by the image of Daphne realizing, after observing the two men’s interactions, that she should step away from the triangle because they’re in love with each other.  Instead, the “twist” that causes the awkward situation to come to a head is exactly as predictable as one would expect.

ENDINGS, BEGINNINGS is meandering, aimless, and provides the romantic-drama genre with nothing new or interesting.  Woodley shoulders this baggage with a wonderfully sympathetic and naturalistic performance.  Unfortunately it’s not enough to rescue the rest from the pitfall of convention"

From

http://cinemalogue.com/2019/09/09/endings-beginnings/

[cookieatmochi]

Why the thought of Jikook together is ridiculous? (a rant by me)

Gosh, there are so many things I find incredible about this whole ship thing. I’ve so much to say sometimes I even confuse myself and wonder what I’m even doing with my life.

This specific topic had been on my mind for quite some time and, as I get more and more into jikookland and in the deep black hole that is shipping, I find myself questioning a lot of what is said, what is speculated, what is believed and what is looked down with a frown and disbelief.

I consider myself a Jikook shipper, (though I’ve come to find a lot o people in the fandom don’t like to call themselves that way, but I really don’t see why we need to find new ways of creating rifts between us). So, needless is to say I, at least, find the thought of Jimin and Kookie together incredibly adorable and attractive. But that isn’t the reason I ship them.

The thought of any BTS ship is incredibly adorable and attractive. When I first got into them and later into this shipping thing, I went there with an open mind but very mindful and conscious that it was only for fun and, for the most part out of boredom. I was careful not to take any of it seriously, of believing any of them were real, that any of the boys were in fact attracted in a romantic way to each other or were in love with each other.

I can’t exactly know why, when or how, but, even before I became a BTS stan or knew anything about BTS or Kpop in general, I’ve had this idea that the way the members interacted with each other would different from the western way, the way I was accustomed to.

As I said, I don’t know why I had that perception or how it came to be. But anyways, with that thought in mind, the first ship video I’d seen was actually from Jikook. Curious, cause from what I tend to read and hear most of the shippers claim Vkook was the first ship they’d come in contact with. But with me it was the opposite.

It was randomly that I came across a video of jikook, and I remember it had been one of them flirting for 5/10 (I can’t remember exactly) minutes straight. I gotta be honest and say I wasn’t very impressed. Not because the moments weren’t cute and sometimes brow lifting, but because, as I mentioned: 1) it wasn’t my intention to take this ship thing seriously, and 2) I was aware or had an inkling the way they interacted with each other would be different from what I was used to. So obviously, even though the moment that got stuck in my head to this day about that specific video was the infamous stare moment from that Vlive (you know the one Kookie went out of his way to get Jimin to come to him lol), I still pushed it to the back of my head  and told myself it was just teasing, that JM and JK were playing around and that it must’ve been something that was normal for them to do.

Which brings me to the point I’m trying to make. I, as a lot of shippers, tend or prefer to think of themselves as rational and mature enough not to let themselves get too carried away with this whole thing. I turned thirty a little over a month ago, (that is, of course, in no way a certificate of maturity and rationality or even of moral to talk about a lot of things), but it surely can explain why I tend to be, most of the times, against about affirming truths and taking everything I hear as reality or facts. I’m still young but my age allows me the audacity to say I have gained enough experience so far to know that not everything that shines or looks like gold is in fact gold.

I follow a lot of accounts dedicated to jikook on IG and Tumblr but only a couple on YT, and from most of them I only expect cute moments and funny edits to entertain me and bring a smile to my face. There are only a few of them I actually take seriously because they make good points, with valid reasons and good analysis of facts and moments that are actually relevant and questionable.

A lot of people might not like this, but to me most of any ship moments are meaningless as proofs of a true relationship, or at least the way they are over analyzed really makes me cringe and wonder why am I even wasting my time on this, when people stretch a simple side hug or hand touching as a determining factor in this whole quest of proving a pair is actually a romantic couple. And let me make it clear that I’m not claiming that those moments couldn’t mean more than what they appear to be. What I want to highlight is that everything can have a meaning in a context. I’m not gonna be impressed by Jikook staring at each other fondly if I know they do that with everybody else or that they’re doing it as a joke or as part of an act or dare or something else.

To me the most important factor in differentiating Jikook from other ships, or to differentiate any ship from another actually, is to look at the big picture. Take a step back and look at their situation, at the kind of community or society they’re inserted in, at what is expected of them, and, to me this is a crucial point, at how they interact with each other vs how to they interact with other people that are just as close to them as their possible partner.

The point I see many non-shippers make is that we shouldn’t take any moments from a certain ship seriously because of the culture difference, because of fan service, and, the one that I really want to tackle, because the idea of two males actually being in love and/or in a relationship is unthinkable, preposterous or simply ridiculous.

The one about cultural difference I can accept to a certain degree because it is a fact and we can’t deny it. The world has become a small village and borders are becoming blurred when it comes to culture property and stuff, but it still doesn’t mean there aren’t considerable differences we should be aware and mindful of. No matter how strange and questioning they are to us, we still need to respect them and understand that just because we are used to our ways it doesn’t mean our way is the only right way.

With that being said, I also want to point out, that no matter how different our cultures and ways are, there are still some things that connect us all as human beings. Love, friendship and affection are some of those things. The way we express them might differ from place to place in some aspects but people everywhere experience them. And as things that connect us, I don’t think is ridiculous to say a person in Africa can identify a love relationship or friendship in Asia or America or anywhere else in the world. It’s really not that complicated.

About fan service, I have questions: seriously? Do people actually believe every time Jikook show affection for each other they’re acting? So, they don’t have a real life or family or personal opinions or free will? Are they just a product from BH that is willing to go through some extents just to please the fans without regards to their own will or personal lives? Come on, people!

Now to the ridiculousness that is the idea of Jimin, a man, and Jungkook, another man, being in love and/or in a relationship. I have questions too.

Why is it impossible for it to be a fact?

Why?

Why?

Is it a rare thing for there to be homosexual couples in our heterosexual midst? Are same sex couples an abnormality, even in our days and progressive society? Is homosexuality a made-up thing? Was it made up by delusional shippers with nothing else to do than to fantasize and fetishize two undoubtedly macho-man-that-could-be-anything-but-bros? Give me a break!

I am not affirming or claiming they are gay, or in a relationship or in love or are attracted sexually to each other. I honestly don’t care, and don’t think anybody should either, about what anybody does between four walls with whomever if there is consent and respect between all parties. It is none of our business what any of the boys like sexually, romantically or whatever.

I ship Jikook because it came a point when my reasonings, my trying to find plausible explanations for their actions that didn’t involve the possibility that there was something more than friendship between them became more delusional and cynical than to actually consider the chance that, ok, maybe there is in fact something there.

We can be careful on how we tread in this ship road; we have to be suspicious and try to see things from as many pov’s as possible so as not to cross the boundary from a healthy and unharmful shipping that is done for fun and get into delusional and invasive territory. But, denying the possibility that Jikook could be real just because one is, either  bothered by it because it is in the way of their own ship, or super bothered by the mere thought of ew gay, is absolutely ridiculous and pathetic.

[cuttoothed]

TMA Character Asks, as tagged by @stopitjon (thanks!)

1. Favourite and Second Favourite character

Well, Juergen Leitner is very… Haha who am I kidding, I am 100% Martin Blackwood trash with a minor in stanning Jonathan Sims. Some days I fluctuate in which of them I love more, but in the end it comes down to the fact that I am a lot more like Jon, and therefore I am made for loving Martin.

2. Who is the character you love to hate?

Hmm, probably Gertrude. She is a fantastic character, but she is such a cold, terrible human being. I am completely enamored of her exploits, blowing up rituals and generally just wrecking the place, but every once in a while I remember poor Michael Shelley. I do love her episodes though! <3

3. Who is the character you hate to love?

Oh captain, my captain! Okay it’s not so much that I hate loving Peter, it’s that I sort of feel guilty for it. He is genuinely the most chilling monster on the show to me. His insidious brand of cruelty and manipulation is so close to real world abuse, and the fact that he’s inflicting this on my favorite character should be devastating. It’s saved from being deeply uncomfortable by the excellence of the writing and acting, so that Peter never goes too far in his creepiness, and Martin is shown to be aware of and to at least have some control over his situation. As it is I will not cry when Peter gets what’s coming to him, but I will continue to ship him and his awful old monster husband until the end of time.

4. Which character do you relate to the most?

Jonathan Sims, disaster man walking. I relate super hard to all of his worst traits, from covering insecurity with aloofness and arrogance, to convincing yourself that you just don’t need friends or human relationships or any of that nonsense, to sometimes being really unfair and impatient with people who rub me the wrong way. These are all things I’ve mostly trained myself out of at this point in my life, but yeah, he makes me cry. I don’t share his traits of extreme self-sacrifice and blaming himself for everything, fortunately. I don’t think I could function as a human being if I did, and I sometimes don’t know how he does. (Spoiler alert: he sometimes doesn’t.)

5. Who is the character you liked at first but grew to dislike OR who you didn’t like at first but they grew on you?

I’ll do both of these, because they have the same basic reasoning, which is that I find it really difficult to like any of the characters associated with the Hunt. They all have the same macho aggressive alpha attitude, which absolutely makes sense, but which just isn’t my cup of tea. I could never relate to Daisy until we met her in the coffin, and she has instantly become one of my favorites since then. And I thought Trevor was a lot of fun when we heard his early statements, but I didn’t like him much when we met him in person.

6. Which character would you bring back from the dead OR which one would you do away with?

I would feel too guilty trying to pick between Tim and Sasha, so I’ll have to avoid Team Archives and say Gerry instead. He deserves a chance to just live his life, free from the expectations of his mother or Gertrude or anyone else.

As for who I would do away with, definitely the Not!Them. I can’t forget that it’s still down in the tunnels under the Archives, trapped by Juergen for who knows how long before it gets free. The concept freaks me out so much, and I would love to know that the Archives team will never have to deal with that thing ever again.

7. Which character would be the most fun to spend a day with? (bonus: what would you do?)

Tim! Fun Tim, though, not Revenge Tim. We would probably go rock climbing or canoeing out in the countryside, have lunch in a nice country pub, drive back into London while enjoying the scenery, then hit up a hip bar in Shoreditch for drinks. I would definitely feel cooler than I ever have in my life.

I have no idea who hasn't done this yet. Any of my lovely mutuals who have not, please consider yourself tagged.

[qqueenofhades]

Okay, idk but I feel like before all of this Rittenhouse stuff happened, Garcia would be the 'good guy' in the while Wyatt would be a sort of 'bad boy'. I mean with what we've heard of with their past relationships before Rittenhouse.

Both Flynn and Wyatt are flawed characters in different ways. Flynn is a good man at heart who went dark in pursuit of vengeance/trying to take down Rittenhouse/get his family back, and self-evidently has done some pretty bad things: murder, arson, assault, etc etc. He has threatened and tried to kill Wyatt and Rufus, and kidnapped/threatened Lucy (though he has never EVER directly and actively tried to kill her individually, so). He hasn’t cared about collateral damage and he killed people even on his side (i.e. Anthony) when they became a possible liability for his mission. He had good reasons (take down Rittenhouse, who he correctly identified as the big bad from the start) but he was a blowtorch through history and he didn’t really break away from that until 1x16. So yeah. No matter how you quantify him beforehand and then in s2, he’s a bad boy for much of s1 (though as noted, wasn’t that way prior to Rittenhouse killing his family).

The thing about Flynn, however, is that he’s always been aware that what he is doing is morally questionable, he hasn’t made excuses for it, and as noted, he’s directed his efforts into stopping the Big Bads of the show – he’s on the same side as the team, hence why they’ve worked together with a surprisingly little amount of disruption in s2, just much more extreme in his methods. (Though Lucy and Wyatt haven’t been angels either, especially Wyatt, so yes.) Also, none of his trashy behavior toward Lucy occurred to her when they were in a relationship (however loosely defined). They weren’t the same level of enemies that he was with Rittenhouse (or even with Wyatt) and she stopped being frightened of him by 1x02, but they were still enemies. They fought. They were on opposite sides. But the instant she asked if she could trust him and he agreed, he changed his behavior around her for the better and was her biggest emotional support and cheerleader for the rest of the season. Once they were teammates and partners, his treatment of her was exemplary, and far better than that of the guy we’re supposed to believe is so in love with her…

…which brings me to Wyatt, God bless him. I don’t hate him, but the problem with him is that his flaws are the kind that so often get excused as “men being men” and “jealousy/possession/controlling behavior is romantic!” and otherwise is fairly in the mainstream mold for male characters we’re often supposed to like and view as love interests. Wyatt was raised by an abusive father in rural Texas, went straight to the military, and canonically was a drunk, jealous, and controlling husband to Jessica in both realities. That… does not a healthy basis for a relationship, or even a person, make. Then when he lost Lucy, we saw that spill over onto her, and she became the focus of his obsessive efforts to reclaim, just as he had done in the same unhealthy spiral with Jess. Now that he’s lost Jessica again…  who knows. He needs to do SO MUCH WORK with Lucy for me to ever buy them as a romantic couple again, and honestly, I don’t want to see her forced to sit around and wait for him to sort out his shit, especially when that energy should, as dictated by Wyatt’s character to date, go into saving and helping to “redeem” Jessica. (In scare quotes because I don’t necessarily believe she needs redeeming, just to be allowed to see what RH really is and to separate herself from it. But honestly, after how Wyatt’s treated her, why wouldn’t they feel like home?) Still mad about the lazy RH twist, but it definitely makes him look even worse to now just drop her like she’s hot, and adds an overall gross air to the writers’ handling of that entire plot.

Anyway, yes, Wyatt’s flaws are the kind that often get woobified and excused and painted as romantic, especially in the context of a relationship, rather than directly called out. He is STEEPED in toxic masculinity and it has broken him. @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels wrote a great meta recently about how Wyatt isn’t really a naturally aggressive person, and is at his best when his character is allowed to be soft, but by virtue of his upbringing and everything he’s believed, has been forced headlong into the Macho Bullshit anyway. We see him taking it out on Lucy, treating her badly, making it about his feelings rather than hers (even as she is trying SO HARD to make it gracious for him), slut-shaming and gaslighting and trying to control her, etc, then with the self-serving and poorly timed ILY. Again, this is not when they’re enemies. This is when they have been, however briefly, in a romantic relationship, and we’re theoretically supposed to be rooting for their reconciliation. That’s a big difference from Flynn.

Frankly, it is no surprise that Lucy finds Flynn the easiest of all the people in the bunker to talk to, even after opening up to him for the first time 24 hours ago and despite their complicated history. She has told him what she thinks of him from the very start, and has always been fearless about doing it. He is well aware he has a lot of making up to do and is eager to do this right, as well as having a deep respect/affection/admiration for her. He is entirely there for her, as he was about to say in 2x10, and has put a massive effort into atoning for his crappy past deeds and being what she needs from him. Mason/Denise/Rufus/Jiya are Lucy’s friends, but also her boss and co-workers, and it can be awkward to talk about personal stuff with them, especially when her connection with Flynn has been special from the start. She obviously isn’t going to talk about Jessica with this, and every time she tries to talk to Wyatt, he a) doesn’t get what she’s saying, or b) makes her feel worse. I’m sure that’s not always what he means to do. But it happens anyway.

This is also reflected in fandom treatment of the two characters. Flynn stans literally come up with nicknames to reflect his garbage ways, ask for lists of his biggest fuckups, and laugh for hours at them (seriously, @extasiswings, @prairiepirate and I can spend whole conversations raking him over the coals – it’s part of the fun of his character, in an Oh God Son You Done Fuckt Up Now way). In other words, we’ve been open from the start about him needing to do exactly what he’s done, and make it up to Lucy substantially. However, Wyatt is often treated with kid gloves (the writers’ unclear intentions about his character and how we’re supposed to view the Ly/att relationship doesn’t help) and any criticism of him is interpreted as hate and he has apparently never done anything wrong in his life and Have You Heard Flynn Kidnapped/Shoved Lucy on a Couch/FLYNN IS BAD FLYNN IS EVIL FLYNN IS VIOLENT etc.

Sigh.

Anyway, the two characters have been set up as foils from the start, with similar backstories/motivations/actions, but this season, that became REALLY apparent in regard to their relationships with Lucy, and that is just in the canon text. Flynn moved toward a much healthier relationship with her, while Wyatt moved to a much unhealthier one, and to such a degree that it would be difficult to swallow Lucy choosing to ignore one connection in favor of sitting around and hoping the other actually got his shit sorted out (and as noted, there’s the whole Jessica thing). So yes. That’s how it stands on that.

[demisexualnathanvuornos]

Taylor Mason (Asia Kate Dillon) Billions The 2x8 Kingmaker (2017)

Wendy Rhodes: Taylor, right?       

Taylor Mason: Right.

 Wendy: How can I help you?       

Taylor: I have to tell you, I’ve had 927 hours of therapy.

Wendy: So you’ve seen cognitive, humanistic,  probably some holistic.  What do you think you need?

Taylor: I need to know…   Mafee. He’s struggling.  He’s our executing trader. He needs to be “on.” He’s not.  And his fall-off coincided with my advancement,  which makes me  I was his intern.  He could have taken credit for my work. He didn’t. 

Wendy: So now you’re feeling guilty.  And you’re wondering if that’s healthy?

Taylor: More than that.  I want to know if it’s useful.  

Wendy: Do you care about  your relationships at Axe Cap? [Silence] How are those relationships? 

Taylor: Good.  [Why do you think that is?] I know why.  Because the culture is set from the top.  Since Axe likes me, other people do, or pretend to.[Why do you think he likes you?] One of the two reasons anyone likes anyone else.  Either they recognize a part of themselves,  or they see something they can use.  In this case, I imagine it’s both. 

Wendy: There’s another reason people like each other.  They see something they’re lacking,  and they want to be near it.

Taylor: Is that what’s between the two of you?  I’ve noticed a connection. 

Wendy: Everyone always just assumes we were fucking. 

Taylor: I didn’t.

Wendy: No. We met at a similar moment, when we were both trying  to figure out who we were going to be.  - 

Taylor: And did you? [What?] Turn out the way you figured back then?

Wendy: In some ways, we did.  And in other important ways, we maybe fell a little short. You’re at a similar moment  with a similar unlimited possibility.   [Okay.] In all my years here, no one has walked through that door  because they were worried how another person was feeling.  If you were anyone else, I’d think you were pranking me. 

Taylor: [chuckles] I am different.  

Wendy: Uh, yeah.  As far as Mafee goes, maybe just tell him  you think he’s doing a good job. 

Taylor: He’s not.  And I don’t like to lie. To myself, to others.  I’ve been there, and I’m past that. 

 Wendy: Well, then encourage him without words.  Let him know you care. [How?] Just buy him something.

—-

Mafee: A Hell in a Cell poster?  Autographed by Taker and Mankind?!  - Ben, did you get me this? [- What?]   I know it wasn’t you. [ Everything after Sanmartino/Zbyszko is bullshit.]   Okay, you just called the Macho Man bullshit.  What was Stan Stasiak and his heart punch? 

Taylor: Actually, I got it. 

Mafee: Oh. Uh, thanks.

—-

Taylor: [cellphone vibrating]  Hello? 

Wendy: It’s Wendy Rhoades.  I’m sorry to call so late, but I figured  - you’d still be at the office. 

Taylor: I am.   

Wendy: That first question you asked.  Are your feelings about Mafee helpful?  More than any stock you’ll ever champion,  more than any time you’ll impress somebody by being right.  You haven’t noticed yet.  By the time anyone notices, it’s usually too late,  but that place has a way of obscuring,  corroding, eating you from the fucking inside.  And you have a rare chance to survive.  You’re so far ahead of where Axe and I were  when we were your age.  We hadn’t made hard choices. You know yourself better.  And your feelings are a lifeline  connecting you back to that place, screaming at you from your core,

“Don’t forget me.  Don’t forget. I don’t like to lie.”  

Taylor: I don’t. 

Wendy: If you start to feel yourself  not feeling,  do what you did the other day and come find me  before it’s too late for both of us.  I have to go.

[aiimaginesbts]

Top Ten Bias Tag

I got tagged by @whoatheresparkie to do the top ten biases challenge. Although I listen to a variety of groups, I really only stan two at the moment cause when I stan, all my money, time and energy goes into loving them - so I can’t afford to stan too many groups. The groups that I stan are BTS and Arashi, but since this is supposed to be a kpop blog I’m keeping Arashi out of this and include members of some other groups that I like :) 

Before I get to it, I’m gonna tag @lycanhaejin, @sunshinehobi7, @kook-tae, @angustdissin, @baxngtan, @bangtaninspired, @baebae-goodnight as well as anyone who wants to share their biases with me!

10. Dong Young Bae (Taeyang)

Big Bang was the first group that got me into kpop during Haru Haru and Lies. I don’t follow them much but one of my roommies is a VIP so I hear about them once in a while from her hehe. What I like about Taeyang from the get go is his sweet face and great voice. He seems to really love his girlfriend too, and I find that really cute!

9. Jung Yong Hwa

I got into CNBLUE when I’m a Loner came out, and I listen to some of their more popular songs but that’s about it. I really like watching Yong Hwa in Running Man, he seems like someone I’d enjoy hanging out with!

8. Kang Daesung

Although I’ve always thought Daesung has a nice voice and all, he caught my attention when I watched Family Outing. Jaesuk is my favourite member, of course (I love that man, if I can include him here I’d put him at #1 haha) but Daesung is definitely the second. Their dumb and dumber routine never gets old for me!

7. Kim Taehyung

Taehyung is the only member of BTS that I’ve never crushed on. I don’t know why. However, I’ve always found him cute and his antics never fails to make me laugh! And let’s not even start with his deep voice... it gives me goosebumps (in a good way of course).

6. Park Jimin

Confession time: Jimin is actually my first bias back when I didn’t know anything about them. He’s just so hot, especially when he dances! Then I watched a bunch of Bangtan Bombs, discovered that he’s an adorable mochi, is way too young for me, and the hyungline with their macho-ness marched in and demoted him to the rank he is now... sorry Jimin, but you were my first!

5. Jeon Jungkook

Okay, so I am currently in a love-hate relationship with myself over the growing amount of feelings I have towards this not-so-fetus-anymore. Why does he have to be so good at everything, become so handsome and hot, and to top that, still be goofy and laughter-inducing?! You’re the same age as my younger brother! Although my brother is pretty good-looking and also good at most things, so... Just damn you, Jeon Jungkook.

4. Min Yoongi

I suppose I have a thing for guys who are tsundere? I don’t know. Yeah, I do. Yoongi’s I-don’t-give-a-fuck mirrors mine, although he’s more hardworking and driven than I will ever be, a trait that I admire a lot. There’s also something about a rapper’s hand movements that weakens me, and although he can’t beat Sho Sakurai’s mesmerising hands, he comes pretty close!

3. Kim Namjoon

Okay, let’s see... what do I love about this man? Let’s try everything. To his smile, cute dimples, towering height (I love me a tall man)... but the reason why he’s so high on the list is definitely because of his intelligence. Not just the fact that his IQ is like 10 whole points higher than mine either. It’s the way he reflects upon things, accepts his flaws and mistakes to improve himself, which is something that I try my best to do myself, so I relate to him a lot in this sense. I have friends like this and we can spend hours just talking about the meaning of life (instead of empty gossips and complaining about our lot in life, although we do that once in a while), so I can imagine Namjoon being that sort of person and I hope he has friends he can talk to like that too :)

2. Kim Seokjin

Jin! Despite his good looks that I noticed right away (who can miss the 3rd guy from the left lmao), it was only after watching many of their videos that I started to like him. He’s handsome, and he knows it, but unlike many good-looking people, he is forthcoming with his faults and doesn’t shy away from consciously making a fool of himself. The trait that I admire most about him is that he is able to laugh at himself - something that I struggle to do. He really makes me want to make sure that he is loved.

1. Jung Hoseok

My sunshine! I am extremely drawn to happy, bright people. Although I can never be sure how much of his cheerful demeanor is put on for our sake, the fact that he is happy and upbeat most of the time makes my heart go out for him. I hope that off-camera he is able to be as happy as anyone can be and I never want him to experience any sadness (but that’s inevitable). Usually people like Hobi prioritises others’ happiness above his own so I hope that people around him takes care of him well. A man who is sensitive to others’ feelings is so freaking rare. Also, he’s my second favourite dancer ever (after Ohno Satoshi, that man can move faster than a machine, so quick that his backup dancers can’t keep up) and I watch his Hope on the Street so many times, I really hope there will be more in the future! There are many other reasons why I love this man but I’m aware that this is starting to turn into an essay, it’s past midnight and I should stop. I love him so much though!

[crossedbeams]

Transitory - Trinity Ch.10

Genre: Casefile | Fandom: The X-Files x The Fall x Sreetcar | Rating: Mature | Setting: Circa 2012. Canon compliant | Chapters: 3/6 of Part 2

Trinity Part I

Chapter 1 - Perfume || Chapter 2 - Impression || Chapter 3 - Connection Chapter 4 - Delusion || Chapter 5-  Confrontation || Chapter 6 - Post Mortem

Trinity Part I

Prologue - Purgatory || Chapter 1 - Animosity || Chapter 2 - History

This chapter is rated teen+ for a little sexual content. Also it’ angsty AF. sorry!

TRINITY: PART II CHAPTER III - TRANSITORY

Scully wakes up on hotel-crisp sheets after not nearly long enough. Her mind is racing but her body tells her it’s not morning yet. The clock is showing 11:15pm and she’s only been asleep for around four hours, the remains of a room-service salad drying out on the desk. Stella Gibson, with her brusquely dismissive, “You’ve been up at least 36 hours. Check yourself in, the Bureau will cover the bill, and we’ll discuss what happens next in the morning,” is staying two floors up.

The end of the afternoon had passed in a hurry of meetings and memorandums, an updated file  arriving from the morgue complete with forms declaring that Scully’s late night examination had been totally by-the-book defusing Stanning’s fury from apoplectic to merely seething. He was biding his time, Scully could tell; smarting because Blanche Dubois had refused to speak to him when she’d finished with the sketch artist, affronted when Stella had gone straight to AD Gilmore to request approval to involve the Miami field office in their hunt for Jane Doe, his macho bravado growing louder with every small step the women of the taskforce took forward without his input. And it wasn’t that they sought to exclude him, Scully had realised as the day wore on, it was quite simply that he wasn’t willing to listen or participate until it suited his purpose.

When the police artist had come into the situation room with an e-fit sketch from Blanche’s description, Stanning had stood right next to them as Stella listed the databases she wanted it run against, he was well within earshot of Scully’s suggestion that they also check it against hospital staff records in the cities of interest. Short of profound deafness, there was no way he could have missed Scully’s subsequent explanation that most intravenous drugs capable of killing with the required speed and subtlety are controlled substances. and that access to such drugs makes it possible their perp is a medical professional of some sort. Scully could even have sworn that Agent Stanning had nodded his approval to extend their search parameters, but by the time they reached the last meeting of the day, Scully’s reiteration of those same suggestions to the gathered taskforce had been met with a unsubtle, definitely not under-the-breath, “Would be great if your little consultant would run this stuff past me before sharing with the room,” to Gibson, standing stonily at his side.

Scully suspects that Stanning’s hostility towards her has a lot more to do with Stella Gibson than Scully herself, but she hasn’t had a chance to ask what might be at the root of it. Things between her and the British detective have thawed as the day has worn on, the previous night’s unpleasantness put aside for now in the interest of furthering the case; Blanche’s clear preference for Scully has changed the landscape and they are both still adapting, Stella has made space for Scully’s ideas and investigative victories despite her instinct to hold all the cards. It’s imperfect but it is working.

Tomorrow will be another rebalancing, and in the honesty of midnight darkness Scully prays that she will be asked to stay, that Stella’s initial promise of partnership will be renewed and the day will carry her to the morgue to assist with processing, or to a crime scene, anywhere where she can work, help and be useful in the search for the truth. This case has burrowed its way into her mind and she feels that familiar itch of unfinished business, of injustice, her mind rejecting sleep in favour of going over the evidence. After all, the structure and strictures of investigation, of neatly typed reports and linked evidence is a much kinder and more familiar cause for insomnia than the choking misery of Mulder’s absence which has become her frequent bedfellow these last few months.

Trying not to count back the nights where she’s reached for him and found only a cold pillow, Scully flicks on the TV, hoping for some numbing background noise. Instead, she finds her own face.

The photograph is old, maybe as much as a decade. She vaguely remembers having it taken for a hospital ID on a day when her hair was at an awkward in-between stage after being on the run, and next to Stella’s pristine police portrait she looks like the scruffy younger sister. Clicking on the sound, she catches the end of a report identifying her as a possible consultant and speculating as to what could have brought two women from such wildly different backgrounds on to the suspected serial case. When they cut back to the anchor, Scully recognises one of the men from from outside the station, and she realises that, in absence of any official statement to the press, she and Stella are likely the closest thing anyone has to a story. She only hopes that- and then in a flash Mulder’s face is on screen, and it’s too late, the potted official history of their partnership laid out for the late-night news audience with the standard side order of ridicule and sensationalism. She feels a pang then, for the old days where they’d have laughed off the bad press over bad coffee, the marks on each of their bodies reassuring them that the truth they sought was valid and important, their scars an armour of proof that only the other could see or understand. It’s a fond memory, and it gives Scully the excise she has been pretending not to be waiting for. If her involvement has made the news, there is a chance it will make it to Mulder. She has to call. She pretends her heart isn’t racing at the thought of hearing his voice.

Scully calls their landline on autopilot. It’s the closest phone to Mulder’s desk and she knows that is likely where he will be. Late night calls are a staple of their relationship, or at least they had been back when they still talked, miles of telephone wire condensing to nothing under the magnetism of their connection, his voice in her ear more intimate than the touch of any man who had come before him. Even at the beginning, his sincerity, his fervour had stripped away her cynicism, if not her scepticism, and left her open and vulnerable to everything he was, everything that they became… everything they have lost.

He picks up on an inhale but says nothing, forcing her to break the silence. Again.

‘Mulder, it’s me.’

And she wishes she could see his face, because his ‘Scully?’ is a question she doesn’t know how to answer. It’s not a ‘Where the hell are you and why have you got my phone?’ It’s not a ‘Why haven’t you come home?’ It’s ‘Why are you calling me Scully?’ and she doesn’t know how to answer him.

She’d planned to tell him that she was assisting the FBI, not to worry and sorry she’d snuck out but he seemed busy. She’d thought perhaps she’d tempt him into the case, saying, ‘Please if you have any “Mulder hunches” call me because this guy is a sick fuck and I want to catch him’ and meaning, ‘I miss you. I miss us.’ But now frustration and loss and rage are fighting in her throat and, ‘Mulder I love you; why don’t you see me slipping away?’ is tangled up in, ‘Did you even notice I was gone?’ and ‘Why the hell haven’t you checked your phone in two days? I could have been dead in a ditch and you wouldn’t know, wouldn’t even care, you self-involved bastard!’

In the end, nothing comes out. And that’s what she tells him.

‘It’s nothing Mulder. I’m fine, I was just... Don’t worry.’

And he tells her goodbye and puts the phone down and Scully feels, just for a second, like she is nothing. That it has all been for nothing.

Mulder’s phone is heavy in her hand, one more thing of his he seems content to live without, and Scully lets it drop to the bed and get lost in the dark. He’d sworn they wouldn’t get lost in the dark, but it’s not the first promise he’s broken.

Determinedly swinging her legs out of bed, Scully drags workout clothes out of her luggage and pulls them on, transplanting the energy of her anger, the tension of her hurt into her muscles and as soon as her sneakers are laced she’s out of the door and headed for the health club. She skips the elevator, jogs down the ten flights of stairs and thanks God and whoever signs off Stella Gibson’s expenses for the Hilton and their 24/7 fitness centre.

The gym is empty and the music is off, but that suits Scully fine. She picks a treadmill by the window overlooking the pool for the distracting chlorine-fuelled fractals the water casts on the walls and ups the incline until she can feel her thighs start to burn. Mulder likes to run outside, to escape, but for Scully running has always been a form of punishment, penitence for that extra dinner roll, her legs pounding Hail Marys into the conveyor until her lungs burn and her mind empties. It’s not about getting anywhere or away from anything, it’s about staying the course. Tonight she will run until she forgets to feel hurt by what she’s left behind, until she forgets to be afraid of what comes next.

Ten minutes in and movement below catches the edge of her consciousness, figures intruding on the edge of her pool-rippled blank space. She keeps running, keeps gazing but they do not retreat, and Scully finds herself leaning in, observing the people below from her vantage point as if through a microscope.

There’s a familiarity to the arch of the woman’s back as she slips into the spa tub in a seal-black line. There’s a recognisable arrogance to the way she rises up on her knees and leans into her companion, to her dedication to her own pleasure as she slips the straps of her bathing suit down her shoulders in a public area, not caring who might be watching the sensuous skid of fingers down her now naked back. It’s not until the woman throws her head back, her lips tight with pleasure, that Scully realises why the stranger seems so familiar.

It’s Stella, her hair slicked back and dark from the pool. She seems as confident here, half naked and straddling someone in an empty jacuzzi, as she had in the boardroom. Scully hits the emergency stop on the treadmill, meaning to rush away, ashamed of her accidental voyeurism but as she is about to step back the scene below her changes. Stella rolls away from her partner to recline against the edge of the pool, and as she settles in a languid pose, somehow both soft and hard in one liquid pose, she looks up and notices her audience.

Scully freezes, still poised to run but now there’s a dare in Stella’s eyes, a wicked invitation to stay a little longer, to see how far things go, and Scully finds herself starting the treadmill again, a low setting, no incline, a feeble excuse to spectate Stella’s conquest.

Without relinquishing eye contact, Stella slides over to reclaim her partner, pulling them into her lap and arching her neck to give them access to the ivory swoop of her skin. A slight smile curves her lips when Scully eventually realises the body draped over her colleague is that of another woman. Scully is not surprised, there have been moments where Stella’s glance has skirted the edges of seductive, and remembering them now, wondering if she encouraged them, pins Scully more firmly in the sweet place between fight and flight. She runs harder, looking for another explanation for the heat rising in her cheeks and settling in places she will not acknowledge when Stella’s fingers dip playfully under the edges of the other woman’s bikini. She should leave. She doesn’t want this. Does she? Scully has never been a voyeur but the adrenaline coursing through her body from the exercise and the taboo of what she is watching is intoxicating. And so she keeps jogging, keeps making excuses and chalking up her shortness of breath to exertion.

A quarter mile later and the dark haired woman’s hands have vanished from view, the unfocused blue of Stella’s gaze giving Scully a pretty good idea of what they might be doing, though from her vantage point all she can see is bubbles. For a mad moment she considers going downstairs, some insidious voice in the back of her mind telling Scully that Stella wouldn’t mind, but even this much, even dragging her own lower lip into her mouth as Stella’s eyes finally snap shut and biting down to feel the corresponding tightness in her nipples and between her legs feels sinful. It’s a mix of sexy and sordid that without Stella’s gaze to hold her in place feels overwhelming, and as reason crashes in on this early hours insanity, Scully leaves. She doesn’t glance back to where deft fingers have now vanished inside bikini bottoms and definitely doesn’t acknowledge the ache between her own legs until she has reached the safety of her room.

Locking the door and dimming all the lights, as if that can hide the shameful desperation of her desire, Scully strips off and lets the shower head and her fingers finish what started ten floors down. It’s a technique she’s perfected in the months spent waiting for Mulder, a quick release so she can go to bed satisfied if not sated.

She remembers the first time, she’d put it off for weeks, unwilling to accept that yet another of their connections had failed, until her body was screaming to be touched, and then finally, desperately, Scully had crawled onto Mulder’s side of the bed, head deep in his pillow, and she’d touched herself pretending it was him. Afterwards she cried herself to sleep with loneliness of it, waking up alone with the evidence, before relocating to the shower where at least it felt more like an emotional ablution than a last resort. She tells herself the same thing now, that it’s a natural urge, a hormonal release, and has absolutely nothing to do with whatever devilish desire had kept her watching downstairs, and that the uncharacteristic act of watching has nothing to do with what is missing at home. Scully’s almost convinced herself of both lies by the time she crawls back into bed, and she drifts off to dreams of running, of following Mulder down a dark and endless tunnel, calling out for him to wait and then looking back to see Stella Gibson chasing behind, face bright with freedom and laughing as the gap begins to close.

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