#and make it easier to report abuse of any kind

[violinfantasy]

tw for sa and rape

nikolaj sørensen is under investigation as he has been accused of rape

first of all i want to say that i of course believe and stand with the survivor and i will no longer support him (or fbs) nor will i post about their performance going forward i also really hope that skate canada bans fbs from nationals and doesnt give them any international assignments while he is under investigation

i cant really put into word how horrifying reading the survivors report was i hope she is in a safe and supportive environment knowing that stories like this have been coming out for years and will likely continue to come out and knowing that this sport is so incredibly unsafe especially for girls and women breaks my heart

[copperbadge]

https://www.wired.com/story/therapy-broken-mental-health-challenges/

I came across this (old) article and it made me think of what you shared about your therapy experience. Would you say your therapy experience worked? It almost feels like you were telling us about how you were A/B testing your way through it.

Yeah, I remember reading that article at some point either before therapy or early on. I don't remember what I thought overall but I do remember being astonished that people expected therapy to help them in six sessions, and that most people report improvement in only 15-20. Not because I think either of those things are unrealistic based on any kind of evidence, but because that's not the expectation I was ever handed when I was in therapy. I was in therapy for nine years as a kid, until I turned eighteen and could legally refuse to go. Not for anything I did, like it wasn't a court order, I was simply put into therapy and wasn't allowed to leave by the adults in my life.

The thing is, because it was mandatory, because at least one of those therapists broke ethical constraints, and because across nine years and three separate therapists nobody caught my ADHD, I have a more complicated relationship to therapy than a lot of people. I still catch myself thinking of things I can't tell my therapist because then she'll have leverage on me. Which is absurd, but it took me a long time to start saying those things to her. I am difficult and private and smart enough to make that a real problem, so it's been a slow process for me.

I also think that article is complicated, because it makes a lot of good points but it also seems at times to confuse therapy itself with the abusive nature of the American healthcare system. So while it's a useful article particularly when it speaks to marginalized peoples' experiences, it may discourage people who could benefit from therapy from doing the work to find a therapist. It's a good article to learn from, but I wouldn't advise people to decide for or against therapy based on it.

(My thoughts on my own therapy under the cut)

I'm still in therapy. It's difficult to measure results. I think I handle interpersonal stress better than I used to, but I haven't been able to find much to help with some of the emotional volatility I experience, and while I've set some good boundaries with family, the process of doing that was and continues to be stressful and upsetting, in some ways harder than simply not having them, so I'm still assessing that. Part of the problem for me is that I don't find cognitive-behavioral therapy useful for what I need, and while I understand there are differences, like 90% of all therapeutic systems boil back down to those techniques. Reality checking, visualizing, physical stimulus responses, mindfulness, as I said once to Therapist, "It's CBT all the way down." I don't respond to many of them and others I was already doing, so *shrug emoji*

At that point, when I realized there was no system that was going to help with my specific problems -- in part because the problems are ADHD related in a way that you can't train your way out of -- we also agreed it was time to try medication. Which felt like a failure, but I know that realistically I looked at the situation as it is, assessed my options, and made an appropriate choice, which is after all what therapy is often about.

So I've been on Clonidine for a couple of weeks. And it's doing fuck-all so far, but it's the lowest dose and there are other options too, so it's an ongoing process.

Outside of frustration with trying to fix problems that I honestly don't think anything but medication will fix, therapy's ok. If nothing else the expectation of it helps me identify actual problems in my life. And like most people I enjoy talking about myself but I also have a lot of struggle around asking for that kind of indulgence from friends, so doing that for an hour in a structured transactional kind of way is easier for me.

Ultimately, there's no real one-size solution that's called "Therapy", so whether or not I have found it useful isn't really material to whether someone else would. Some people use it as maintenance stress-relief, some people need to do deep emotional work, some people are in crisis and need an objective commentator. Sometimes you move from one need to another. Right now I'm in a liminal space because we're trying something new, so it's tough to say. But I'm finding it worth the cost in time, energy, and money, so I'll keep on until I don't anymore.

[bell4donn4]

“TOO SWEET” -Luke Castellan

Tags: lowkey loser!luke, Hades!reader, mention of drinking, not established relationships, reader’s mean and lonely, Luke likes to be used? Ig, kinda toxic dynamic between the two

life at camp was always so boring, so empty.

the only fun thing you could do was corrupt the forest’s satyrs to get a bottle of wine.

Truly, being at camp was exhausting, especially as you got older.

Everyone excepted the older kids to help the new. But that was none of your concern, you were more than convinced that maybe camp could’ve invested into a teacher or two instead of forcing children to take the lead on other children.

Chiron was barely around, and Mr. D was anything but a role model.

The only person at camp who seemed to enjoy being helpful was Luke Castellan.

Head counsoler of the Hermes’s cabin; he seemed to be the closest thing to a dad figure kids could have in that place.

He was always doing something, always busy giving a helping hand to whoever needed.

Camp’s golden boy for sure. Bright and nice, funny and sunny.

You didn’t believe any of the reassuring words that came out of his mouth.

There was absolutely no way he liked being used like that, forced to take responsibility for kids that were not his.

You remember vividly the one time, years back, when you stumbled upon a crying kid. Luke was kneeled infront of him, patting on his head as he comforted him. “Its going to be okay” — “don’t worry, okay? Everything is going to be fine”

He was barely 15 when that happened.

You wouldn’t know how to comfort anyone now, let alone at 15.

Somehow, you hated Luke for it. You hated the way he would simply let everything slide on him, the way he allowed everyone to abuse his niceness.

You would never let anyone do that to you. You hardly talked with anyone, actually; preferring to be on your own instead of hanging around the loudness of the other campers, which all seemed so happy to be there.

In fact, the only person who you would occasionally “talked” to was Luke. Many times he caught you breaking the rules, and many times he allowed you to go and redeem yourself instead of telling Chiron. And many other times he found you doing the same exact things, even tho you told him you’ll never do em again.

He was sugar-rotting sweet. Never telling on you.

You hated him for that as well. Why couldn’t he just report you instead of looking at you with his puppy like-eyes? Almost begging you to go sleep and make his job easier instead of getting drunk almost every night.

You wondered why he still covered you, even after years of this routine happening. But you just figured it was his nauseously king heart.

You wish he’d rebel for once, even to you. You wish he’d just tell you to fuck off and go to bed- but he never did.

“It’s not good for you y/n”

It surprised you he even knew your name.

“You know- getting constantly wasted. I feel like this is not the right way to cope” — “with whatever you’re dealing with”

“I’m dealing with shitty parents Luke, the same thing you’re dealing with”

Your sarcastic remarks often burned on his skin. He wish you’d just listen to him for once- instead of making it so hard for him.

“Oh”

Your infamous smirk would hit him hard as a brick, every single time.

This was an example of the nightly conversations you had.

Sometimes you would go as far as asking him if he wants a sip, other times you’d just tell him to piss off instead. Depending on how you felt.

During the day, you simply didn’t speak at all. Weird, anyone would find it, but when the sunlight was out you wouldn’t acknowledge his existence; even ignored him, perhaps.

He didn’t mind- not that he’d show it anyways, but it was pretty in character for you to do something like that.

The moody daughter of hades- what else could he expect from you?

Yet sometimes it’d hurt.

Maybe he did care more than he should’ve. But again, wasn’t that in character for him? To be overly good and kind and caring towards the unworthy?

Only very few times you’d spare him a words. Usually when someone needed him and you happened to be the one sent to call him.

Perhaps it was okay to him; he grew rough and unloved- he didn’t care if he wasn’t more than a secretive nightly swing to you.

As long as he could have you, he was willing to be used. Because that’s all he knew anyways.

[thebestsetter]

The emperor's bad luck

An: This is actually my first fic! Also, english isn't my first language, so I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes! I just read Kaiser's backstory and got really sad. HE'S JUST A BABY 😭😭

Michael Kaiser has never been a lucky guy. And I'm not talking about that kind of luck of finding a penny on the floor or getting a question right even though you don't know the answer. I'm talking about a luck that is harder to be found nowadays: the luck to be born with a great family, with loving parents and awesome siblings. The kind of family that you see on magazine covers or billboards, smiling and having fun together, looking like they've never had a bad time.

His mother left him when he was just a baby. A Hollywood actress who has probably already acted as a mother in a movie, although not in real life with her own son: ironic, isn't it? She looked like an angel, with pretty blond hair and beautiful blue eyes, but her looks didn't reflect her personality: a cunning and clever woman.

So, she came up with a plan to make her fame grow: she laid down with a movie director. After she became more famous, she left the man all alone. Well, maybe not ALL alone. She left him with their son: Michael Kaiser. But the man didn't appreciate it and often abused Kaiser. For every mistake Michael made, he hit and tortured the poor boy. When Kaiser was barely 8, his father started sending him to the streets to steal food and other things, since the man couldn't really work because he began drinking (he also didn't want to work, and sending his kid to steal things was a lot easier).

- Now go, Kaiser! - the man said while waving a broken beer bottle in the air - and don't come back without that milk you forgot last time, or else I won't be as gentle with your punishment.

Michael grabbed the backpack his father handed him and ran out of his "home", not wanting to spend another second with that man.

"They found out I stole from that shop" Kaiser thought while looking at the shop he stole from the last time he went on his 'robbery spree' "so I have to find another one".

He then began walking across the neighbourhood trying to find somewhere to steal from. The blond boy came across a new shop he had never seen before: it was a small shop with red colored walls. The german child decided that was the one he was going to rob. Passing his small hands through the shelves full of things he couldn't even think of buying, Kaiser shoved the important things down his bag, such as eggs, butter and other things. He then came across the dairy session. Reaching for the milk, Michael quickly grabbed it and hid it into his bag, wanting to get out of there before he got caught, when suddenly he heard a gasp coming from behind him.

- Are you stealing milk? - a (h/c)nette girl said, startling Kaiser and causing him to drop the bag from his hands, making all the items of his backpack spread across the floor. Scared, he began to pick his things and stuff them back on the bag - hey, what are you doing? COME BACK HERE!

The girl began to chase him around the store while begging him to stop running. After some time, she finally caught up with him.

- I-I'm sorry - he said, panting - p-please don't turn me in! I need to steal to s-survive. My father doesn't work and my mother left me with him. I'm sorry, but I need this things!

- Don't worry, I won't report you! - she said, smiling - my father is the owner of the shop. I can give you some cookies and snacks to go and won't turn you in, but with one condition: you need to answer the question I wanted to ask you when I saw you stealing the milk.

- O-okay - he said in a calmer tone - what is it?

- Do you wanna be my friend? - she asked, her toothy grin appearing and almost blinding Kaiser because of how big and bright it was

- W-what? - he asked, making the girl repeat herself - sure, I guess…

- GREAT! You're my friend now! Come on, I'm gonna give you something to eat.

The girl gave Michael some snacks (without her father seeing them, of course) from that shelves that had things he thought he'd never get to eat and went to the door of the store to say goodbye to him.

- Bye hm… - she began, then gasped - You're my friend, but I don't know your name!

- I'm Michael Kaiser - he said, clearly a lot more confident around the girl, but still a little weary

- I'm (Name) (Last name) - she smiled, glad that she made a new friend - bye, Michael! Come here tomorrow again so we can play!

- (NAME)! COME HELP ME OUT IN THE SHOP! - they heard her father yell

- COMING - the girl shouted and waved goodbye to Kaiser for the last time before disappearing inside her family's shop.

Althought Kaiser was a guy that didn't have a great luck, he considered himself lucky for finding her: his first friend ever since he was born. And for the first time in a few years, Kaiser went to sleep with a full stomach and a happy mind, with a new found hope in his soul: a hope for a better future, with friends like (Name) (or maybe even her, if his luck suddenly decided to change) at his side.

[moody-alcoholic]

Chapter 8 - The New Hire

Summary: Simon x Reader, 4.1k words. Johnny finds a new fitting role for you as you focus your time on becoming closer to Simon and opening up to him more. CW: MDNI +18 content, mentions of violence, mentions of fictional terrorist attack, mentions of past domestic abuse, 'intimate' touching, breast play very fluffy more like breast holding if anything, hurt/comfort, PTSD.

Previous - masterlist - next AO3

Simon’s not said anything and you’re just staring at him.

“What did you see?” He asks. You swallow, should you lie. You want to lie. Then its easier right? Then he can’t get mad at you. You prop yourself up on your arm. 

“You were in the pump room with Johnny, You were, telling him to leave Amelia alone. You were beating him.” You say looking down at your hands.

He lets out a long sigh, he doesn’t sound mad just disappointed, upset. You look up at him, his eyes still focused on your face, his expression hard like he’s waiting for you to deliver the worst news ever to him.

“I don’t think any different, I don’t feel any different about you.” You say reaching out to touch his arm. It’s a reassuring touch, he looks down at your fingers brushing his arm. He sighs again looking back up at you reading your face like he needs to see if you’re lying or not. You keep your eyes on him not looking away.

“You’re not the monster you think you are. You’re kind, caring, going out of your way to protect strangers. That’s not something a monster would do. The people you talk to, grab whatever you call it. Those people are the monsters. You probably saved that woman’s life tonight.” You say, you’re almost pleading for him to listen, he moves up in the bed so you’re face to face and kisses you.

It’s not what you were expecting but you let it happen closing your eyes and wrapping your arms around his neck. He pulls you up against him as you sink back down into his arms. You let out a big sigh and breathe him in listening to his heartbeat as you lay there in silence. 

“I love you.” He says after a while. You smile feeling a wave of relief wash over you, he still loves you you haven’t ruined everything. 

“I love you too.” You reply running your hands up his chest. He lets out an audible sigh and kisses the top of your head. 

“Promise me you’ll never do that again, sneak around. I need to know you’re safe and I can’t do that when I don’t know where you are.” He says. 

“I promise.” You say. You mean it this time. You saw what you needed to see. You trust him, you’re not judging him. He’s still here that’s what’s important for a second you thought he was going to bolt or be mad at you. You feel him relax the tension on his grip vanishing as you press your body up against him.

   —————————— 

When you get to work the next morning Johnny is stood next to Kyle looking at something on the computer. Johnny winks at you when he sees Simon following just behind you. You roll your eyes going over to see what they’re looking at. 

“Did you hear about it?” Kyle asks as you see they’re watching a live news report. You read what the bumper is saying. It’s a terrorist attack, happened in France. 

“What happened?” You ask, Simon is behind you watching too. 

“Terrorists blew up one of the tube stations. Rush hour so a lot of people have been killed.” Kyle says, you see the number 50 confirmed dead, more injured. Thats a lot of people it makes your stomach do flips.

“Has Price seen it?” Simon asks. 

“He was on the phone with Laswell ‘bout it till the new fella showed up.” Johnny says. You and Simon both turn to Johnny.

“What new fella?” You ask frowning.

“The guy who’s replacing you now you’re part of the cool kids group.” Johnny says nudging you. You look at Simon but his expression is neutral, he seems more interested in the news cast.

You turn back to look at the news report, the correspondent in Paris is stood in front of the police cordon saying they suspect more bombs have been planted and the French military is working their hardest to find them. Until they do all public transport has been suspended. It makes you swallow hard, a lot of people have been killed more injured. 

“What are you all doing standing around?” Price’s voice comes from the doorway. Everyone turns and looks at Price and the man standing next to him. He looks young, maybe early 20’s, well groomed brown hair and round glasses. He’s handsome, fit, dressed nice.

Price goes round introducing everyone one by one, each time a name is called the person steps forward and raises their hands. Apart from Johnny who shakes the mans hand and wishes him luck which even makes you roll your eyes. You’re not really listening to what John is saying your mind too preoccupied with the terrorist attack news. 

“-You’ll show William around right?” Your head snaps up as you realise John is talking to you. You look round at everyone, feeling awkward. 

“Sure.” You agree smiling at William. 

“Rest of you my office.” John says turning to leave the room. You watch as they leave annoyed you haven’t been invited to join them. Johnny winks at you as he leaves of course he does. 

“Nice to meet you.” William says holding his hand out. You shake it turning round to the computer to close the news stream down. 

“It’s horrible. The attack.” He says looking over your shoulder. You nod moving the chair out for him so he can sit down. 

“Yeah, horrible.” You say as he sits down, you look over at the steps managing to see John’s door close. You show him the computer system the same way John showed you, he knows what he’s doing and after watching him a few times he’s figured it out.

When you’re happy you show him round the rest of the building explaining each room. This time you tell him the storeroom is for the drivers only. You take him up to the second floor trying to sneak a peak in John’s office. 

“We chill out here most of the time.” You say sitting on the sofa. 

“Seems like a good job, why’d you quit?” He asks.

“I didn’t quit, I help with the deliveries now.” You explain, he nods.

“Is it more fun?” He asks. You can’t help but smile.

“Yeah it has it’s moments.” You reply your mind going to Simon, spending time with him. You stand up when you hear the office door open, you’re not sure why and William follows your lead. Simon gets out first heading straight down the stairs while Johnny and Kyle come over to you. You sit back down. 

“She showed you the ropes?” Johnny asks William, who nods.

“You’re with me today lass, Si’s got some work to do for Price.” Johnny says. You hear the storeroom door close. You smile at Johnny getting back up and going to meet him. 

“Catch you later then?” William asks as you walk past him. You turn to see him.

“Sure, if you have any questions just let me know.” You smile, he smiles back and you make your way down the stairs with Johnny. 

“Christ.” Johnny whispers as he hops out the van, he sounds in pain.

“You okay?” You ask before he can close the door. 

“Just me knee lass, plays up now and then.” He closes the van door and you get out too meeting him round the front of the van.

“Right so we’re seeing Amelia, we’ve got to see if he’s been back and get the rest of the payment.” Johnny says as he locks the van. You can see he’s more unsteady on his feet then usual. 

“Amelia, Ryan right the guy you and Simon dealt with yesterday?” You say, you already know what the answer is going to be. 

“Aye, that’s the one.” He says you stop grabbing his arm. He turns looking at you. 

“Johnny I know you saw me in the pump room.” You say letting his arm drop. 

“Don't know what you’re talking about lass.” He huffs turning back to the block of flats.

“I talked to Simon about it.” That makes him stop in his tracks and hang his head you catch up to him and his spins to look at you.

“Look what happens between you and Simon is none of my business. I can see he likes you and you like him. Just don’t hurt him alright?” Johnny says looking in your eyes. It’s the first time you’ve seen him so serious, he’s sent a chill up your spine. 

“I would never.” You scoff, trying not to sound scared. 

“Good, ‘cause he’s a good man and ‘e deserves te be happy.” Johnny says before turning away. You nod follow him all of a sudden feeling guilty. You would never do anything to upset him.

Johnny leads you to the flat in silence. He knocks on the door as you stand behind him feeling like you’ve upset him somehow and you’ve never seen Johnny upset. The door opens and a nervous looking woman peaks her head round.

“Heya lass, I’m Johnny we’re from the delivery service you ordered.” He says, she looks at you in the eyes, she looks tired dark bags under her eyes, swollen cheeks. It’s an all too familiar sight. You smile at her softening your expression as much as you can after your spat with Johnny. 

“Come in.” She says opening the door. You walk in looking round her flat. You can see the tell tale signs. The double locks on the door, the knifes strategically placed in the kitchen. The coffee table with the bat hidden underneath. She’s not even trying to hide it. Johnny follows her as she goes to sit down on the couch. 

“When was the last time you heard from him?” Johnny asks. 

“Yesterday.” She says rubbing her hands together, her eyes find yours again, you smile at her. “He’s not been here today.”

“That’s good.” Johnny says. “We will be back in a week to make sure you’re definitely in the clear. If anything happens you know what to do you have our number right?” Johnny asks Amelia, she nods. You watch her rubbing her hands her hands together, you can tell she’s uncomfortable. 

“We just need to settle the rest of the payment then we’ll be out your hair.” Johnny says, he’s keeping his distance from her. That’s good, this is her space and she has to feel safe in it. She gets up off the sofa and you moves so she can go to her coat fishing out her purse. She stops turning to look at you her hands shaking.

“He would always sort out anything with money. This is the first time I’ve spent my money on something I wanted.” She says, you watch as she opens the purse flicking through the wad of cash. She starts pulling notes out. You don’t know how much she is supposed to be paying so you just watch her letting her count.

Suddenly the purse slips out her hands, coins fly around as it hits the floor. She jumps clutching the notes she already has in her hand. A yelp leaves her mouth. You instantly grab her hands in yours.

“It’s okay.” You rub her hand with your thumb. She looks up at you like she’s waiting for the shouting to come. You smile at her. 

“I’m clumsy too, just this morning I spilled my tea all over the counter.” You say as you watch her relax. You let go of her hands bending down to pick up her purse. You hand it to her letting her take it. You bend down picking up one of the pennies that fell out. 

“Here, see a penny pick it up, all day long you’ll have good luck.” You say placing it on her palm. She lets out a little smile.

“I don’t think it works when it’s your own money.” She says, sniffing.

“Who cares, you make the rules now.” You rub her arm, looking at her in her eyes. She smiles and moves over to the sofa. You bend down to start picking the rest of her coins up as you hear her hand money to Johnny. He’s talking gently too her explaining that if he comes back in a week they’ll give her some money back, and deal with him.

You feel like you should be paying attention but you’re not, your heart is racing in your chest. You know what it’s like to be this on edge, scared any noise is him. You turn back to her putting the coins in her hand. 

“Sorry if I missed any.” You say, she nods and thanks you then you take your leave.  

“You did good in there.” Johnny says when you get back to the van.

“I know what it’s like, to feel like a prisoner in your own home.” You say letting out a sigh. You turn to look at Johnny. “Think he’ll ever come back?” 

“They never come back,” he smiles. “We make sure of that.”

Simon is still busy when you get back to work, he must be in the storeroom since you don’t see him any were but all the vans are here. Johnny takes you straight up to John’s office.

John seems on edge, papers spread all over his desk, his usually well kept hair sticking out in all directions. There are prominent bags under his eyes, the TV in the room is turned to 24 hour news and you can hear the caster talking about the attack. Even the way he asks you to sit down as he mutes the TV is odd, like he’s in a rush. 

“How did it go?” He asks as Johnny hands him the envelope with money. He looks inside it for a second before putting it in the safe behind him. 

“I think I’ve got an idea cap.” Johnny says. “I think our star recruit here would make a perfect customer liaison, we talked about it a few months back. Having someone go round and do all the face to face with clients.” John looks confused for a second, thinking hard then he nods like he’s suddenly remembered.

“Not a bad idea actually.” John says looking over at you. “What do you think?” You pause for a second, still processing what Johnny’s implying. 

“What would the job be, I would collect the money?” You ask. 

“It’s more then that, we’ve been thinking about it for a while someone who can liaise with clients, check up on them, gather information. Normally they guys do it after a job is complete but it’s time consuming and they’re not always the best at it.” John says.

“Hey!” Johnny protests, John just looks at him and shrugs. 

“Yeah, I mean it’s something I can do.” You say. John goes to open his mouth but his phone rings. He picks it up looking at the name before standing up.

“I’ll write a contract, we’ll talk more later.” He says as you and Johnny get up to leave. He’s almost pushing you out the room you barely get chance to say thank you. 

“Congrats on the promotion lass.” Johnny says, you nudge him. You’d have to make a list of questions to ask John when you had the chance to speak to him again. You follow Johnny back down to the van.

If the job was anything like what you just did you know you can do it. You know what it’s like to bee in the clients shoes, maybe Johnny was right this was a perfect role for you. It also means you’ll stay away from the ‘other’ side of the job the part Simon wanted you to stay away from, maybe this is a win for everyone.                                                         

 —————————- 

Simon comes back later then normal, it’s almost 8pm when he walks through the door kicking his shoes off. You get up off the sofa going over to him. Wrapping your arms around him and giving him a kiss, he smells of cigarettes. His arms wrap round your waist and you lead him into the kitchen. 

“I made pasta, I left a portion for you if you want me to heat it up?” You say opening the fridge. He kisses your head.

“I got it, you go sit down.” He says taking the bowl out the fridge. You smile going back to your cup of tea and the news. You’ve been obsessed with it since learning about the attack. You hear the microwave as Simon comes over to the sofa his hand squeezing your shoulder. 

“Can we watch something else?” He asks kissing your hair. 

“Yeah,” you say switching to another channel. The microwave beeps and Simon leaves after giving your shoulder a squeeze. You move over so he has room to sit. When he's comfy you cuddle up against him. The TV is showing some kind of game show Simon shouts at half the time, you don’t mind it makes you smile. It’s nice, you feel relaxed for the first time in ages.

When Simon is finished with his food he pulls you up against him as your arm strokes his stomach. You could spend the rest of the night like this then go to bed happy. Sleeping under the duvet with him, relaxing together. You look up at him and decide to bite the bullet. 

“Simon, can we try something?” You say sitting up on the sofa. He turns from the TV to look at you.

“‘Pends on what you’re thinking.” He says his eyes scrunching together. You suck in a lungful of air trying to calm your nerves. You’re rubbing your hands together as you think about how you want to make this work.

“Do you want to, touch me?” You ask. He pauses for a few seconds his lips pressed together while he think’s of a response. 

“What do you mean, like touch your arm? Or something else?” He says turning his body so you’re face to face. You close your eyes taking another big gulp in. 

“I was thinking more. My boobs or something.” You look away blushing, there’s a pit growing in your stomach. Maybe you’re not ready for this. Maybe you never will be but you want to try. You want to feel Simon’s hands on you, giving you pleasure. You can’t do any of that if you still flinch when he so much as brushes a part of your body you keep covered.   

“Do you want to lie down first see how you feel?” Simon asks his voice low, as he rests his hand on yours. You nod and get up to go to the bedroom. You don’t know if laying down will help but maybe it’ll feel more natural. You lay on top of the covers turning your body to the side as Simon lays beside you. You’re nervous your breath hitching in your throat. 

“How about we start slow, you don’t have to take your top off or anything. If you want to stop just say, okay? I won’t be upset or mad. It’s all about you.” Simon says, you can still feel the heat in your cheeks your body tense at the anticipation of being touched. You nod swallowing again to get rid of the lump. His hand comes up to your face, rubbing your cheek.

“You’re okay, you’re in control.” He says before dropping his hand to your chest. You move your body so you’re laying flat on your back so he has better access. He slips one arm under your head you can feel your head resting on his bicep, your body pressed up against him as he lays on his side watching you. Maybe if you were wearing a bra it would be easier, another layer of protection.

You trust Simon, you trust he would never hurt you. His hand works slow, he's gentle as it rests between your breasts, he’s watching your face for a reaction. You try to look calm, like you’re enjoying this. He moves his hand to one of them just resting his hand on top for a few seconds so you can get used to it. His hands are large he can easily squeeze your whole breast in his hand, which he does a second later.

His grip is firm but not rough, you can feel his palm pressing down on your nipple as he gently squeezes. His hands feel good, soft, warm and firm, it’s a feeling you’ve not experienced in a long time, someone being gentle.

Simon looks up at you leaning over to kiss you, it feels good, there’s a tingle between your legs as his tongue caresses yours. You welcome the distraction from Simon’s hand moving to the other side of your chest. His hands still as gentle and slow as he explores it your nipples getting hard with all the kissing. You feel yourself wanting to chase the feeling as he breaks away from the kiss his eyes looking into you.

“Feel good?” You ask, trying not to sound nervous, you don’t want to put him off. You push all your feelings away, the bad thoughts, the images of the last time you were touched. This is new and he’s not going to hurt you. You’re in control.  

“Yeah, perfect.” Simon says gently squeezing. You feel yourself blushing.

“Breathe, you're doing great.” Simon says his voice low as he looks in your eyes. You suck in a deep breath. Then Simon leans in and kisses you softly. It's slow and sensual his tongue playing with yours brushing over it as he moans almost like he’s drinking you up.

You’re barely paying attention as Simon’s hand moves to the hem of your shirt pulling it up just above your belly button. His warm hand rests on your skin. You pull away from the kiss. 

“It's okay, I'm just going to hold my hand here.” He says. You take in a deep breath. You're safe, Simon is not going to hurt you. You nod and let him kiss you again. You try to kiss him back but your mind starts to spiral, visions pop in your head before you can stop them making a lump form in your stomach.

You pull away from Simon turning your head to look away from him. His hand leave your body you feel cold like there’s a chill in the air. Simon pulls your shirt back down you turn to look at him. You feel disappointed, you should have done better. His hand comes to your cheek brushing away a tear you didn’t even know had fallen down your face.

“I’m sorry,” quietly leaves your lips as you look in his eyes. His head tilts to the side and he wraps his other arm around you to pull you over into his arms. You like that feeling his arms around you. He hugs you tight taking deep breaths, you follow him.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m so proud of you.” He says into your ear. You close your eyes and lay there in silence in his arms for a few minutes as your heart rate slows.

“How about we find another one of those cheesy romantic films, lay out on the sofa and just relax?” You pull away looking up at him smiling.

“I like action films.” You say.

“Even better.” He says giving you one last quick kiss before getting off the bed. You wait till he’s out the room before you thrust your head in your hands. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why didn’t you just push through it. You turn over on the bed looking at the ceiling. You’re never going to have a normal relationship.

You try not to be mad at yourself instead forcing your body out of bed and into the living room. Simon is in the kitchen filling up the kettle with his back to you. You walk over to him throwing your arms round him. 

“Cuppa?” He asks you hum in response pressing your face up against his back. You can hear his heartbeat. 

“You smell good.” You say smiling. This is good, this is safe. You should be happy you made good progress today, it’s better then nothing. Simon’s phone starts ringing in his pocket and you remove your arms turning away to the sofa.

You turn the TV on and it’s the news still talking about the attack in Paris. The death toll has gone to 75 and they found another bomb a few stations away from where the initial one went off. It makes you feel sick knowing someone could do something so heinous. 

“‘Cause sir.” You hear Simon say looking round to see him, he’s gripping the kitchen table chair. 

“I can be there in 20, does Soap need a pickup?” Simon says. You watch him straighten up and hang up the phone. He walks over to the sofa his hand comes up to your face. 

“Ever been to Paris?”

Next

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[amysubmits]

Is there any kind of... sub beginner classes anywhere? I think there should be at least a youtube series about it. There's such a fine line between "i'm submitting to this person" and "this is abuse papered over with BDSM language" and there should be classes to help new subs learn the difference before they're murdered

Kink classes do exist. There are sometimes conventions that will have a bunch of classes to choose from across a day or a weekend. I have never participated in our local BDSM community but I have heard that sometimes if you go to a local kink club they will sometimes host evenings where someone will teach on a certain subject, too. I think generally it's easier to find classes that are more about specific aspects of kink (like how to flog or a beginners shibari class) than lifestyle D/s stuff, but they do exist. Some people on here advocate really strongly that they feel in-person communities are significantly safer than online ones. On the other hand, I've also had a lot of people message me over the years telling me about how they were harmed by someone who was in good standing in their local community. Sometimes even how they reported a consent violation or other abuse with a community member to leaders within a community and that person was not kicked out or nothing else was done. Some claim they can basically be a 'good old boys club' kinda mentality, unfortunately. So as someone who doesn't have experience with a local community I've never really known what to believe, but my advice would just to be super cautious in ANY community, in person or not.

For those wanting to be educated but not wanting to do anything IRL, there are books about healthy D/s, podcasts, youtube channels, etc. Loving BDSM is a solid resource from what I understand. I personally felt like I learned a lot from Tumblr when we were new, though we were careful in picking and choosing which content to embrace and which ones to reject and not everyone may have the insight to know which posts are promoting healthy D/s vs which ones aren't, so that can be messy. I think educating yourself is great, but I think people who want to educate themselves can pretty easily dive in on their own, in most cases. And people who choose not to, are choosing not to. So I'm not sure that any sort of class or even series of classes or books could really guarantee to keep newbies safe, unfortunately. Sharing red flags so that newbies can recognize them is a great thing, and I try to do that when I see good info coming across my dash. At the same time, it's not uncommon for subs to share that they engaged with a person who they knew had one or even sveeral red flags and they ignored those red flags. They were so desperate to get to try out D/s or they wanted to cling to the good they saw in the person, or so many other reasons. And that doesn't make the abuse their fault, I am not blaming them, but it does mean that educating new subs about what dangerous "doms" look like isn't always enough, unfortunately. It's complex.

[shveris]

collage au with toji, sukuna and satoru living together and it’s surprisingly clean and well kept.

mention of emotional & physical abuse from family members and trauma

toji is the most messy out of the three but sukuna hates dirt so when he finds it he cleans it. satoru is a perfectionist who grew up in a tidy mansion so he always has the need and urge to keep his new environment just as clean — he feels very uncomfortable and restless otherwise.

they fuck around once in a while (yes, literal fucking) but it’s mainly because none of them have the actual mental to have proper relationships and despite satoru’s very extroverted behaviour, he actually hates touching people. he thinks they’re dirty, unsanitary, because he doesn’t know how they live and what their hands and clothes have been touching.

sukuna is clean though, he knows because he regularly buys those very expensive bodywashes and puts all their underwear into another cycle just after the first one is done.

toji is clean since he is kinda trained to adapt to his environment. he eventually even stops punching sukuna when he tries to put lotion on his very dry face after a scorching hot shower and he starts washing his hands when he comes home.

they don’t talk about how all of them have sex with each other at least twice a week — trice, if there’s exam stress — and usually the apartment is filled with bickering.

“six, you told me you’d send me that fucking report an hour ago.” satoru just stares at toji in his doorway and clicks his tongue because, yes, he completely forgot.

“have some fucking manners, dude”, he snaps back but sends him the report. they got thrown into this group project for three months with this emo named choso and a guy named ino, not that any of them gave a fuck. they were just laughing at sukuna because he was stuck with four women staring down at him.

there’re also regular outbursts of sukuna throwing items around — at satoru and toji as well — because he feels threatened. by what? they don’t know. they don’t ask. they just go with it and make a game out of it.

“if one of you hits my face i will actually chop your dicks off” is usually what satoru enters the living room with but when the tv remote slams into his jaw ten minutes later, he can’t help but laugh menacingly and throws himself onto the culprit elbow first.

their evenings are filled with study sessions (sukuna and satoru take their academics very serious and toji is just sitting there because he enjoys watching their facial expressions contort into frustrated confusion), playing video games, sex, uno that almost always ends up with sukuna and toji trying to kill each other, bad horror movies that make sukuna hungry, and some times they’re actually peacefully talking with each other until satoru falls asleep.

almost everyone on campus thinks they are dating and neither of them have an issue with that rumor (“it keeps the weird chicks away” sukuna had said and toji rolled his eyes). they don’t even act like couples, more like competitive boxers with too much testosterone (shoko’s words).

even with sukuna’s constant berates, insults and slurs, he loves cooking and always looks for a chance to brag about it to satoru.

“i bet your private chefs at home ain’t shit in comparison to me” or “the michelin chefs your parents are friends with can only wish to be at my level” or “this is my first time cooking this recipe and i fucking rocked it”

toji doesn’t mind at all, he loves all kinds of food, he’s the opposite of picky. whenever there’s something on satoru’s plate that he doesn’t like, he gives it to toji who will happily eat it for him.

sukuna even makes an effort to learn the recipes to his roommate’s favourite foods, perfects them in a few weeks. making mochi was probably way too much effort but he feels very proud whenever satoru brightens up upon eating the sweet treats. he’s glad toji is on the easier side of all this, the man loves chinese food a lot; dumplings, egg drop soup, lamb skewers and some simple noodle dishes.

toji doesn’t look like it but he enjoys the other two men’s company a lot. they never judge him for who he is, they never expect him to be a certain way, and not once did they ask why on some nights he comes home covered in blood. they just tell him to clean up properly and throw his clothes into the washer for three circles. they don’t ask him why he has that scar on his lips or nag him about that massive one that wraps around the left side of his body.

satoru is curious, his eyes speak volumes, but he never says nothing about it and just traces the tissue with his fingertips after sex. sukuna doesn’t even seem to acknowledge it at all, ignores it almost, but he always tells him to apply more lotion to it after scorching showers together.

grocery runs with them are always a complete mess; satoru only has eyes for sweets, toji grabs the next best instant ramen from the shelves, sukuna is constantly scolding them for not eating more healthy, says both of them would have vitamin deficiency if it weren’t for him.

he absolutely hates going out with them to the store but it’s necessary in a way. it’s a way of bonding, they get to buy everything they need once a week and then don’t have to go there for another seven days, and it makes cooking plans easier — and satoru is there to pay because he’s rich and the other two ain’t.

they also always end up buying a few packs of condoms and lube, much to the cashier’s horrors upon reading “extra large” and “strawberry flavoured”

sukuna and toji are rough, absolutely and utterly wild. satoru often calls sukuna an animal with no other instincts than to bite and breed and tear him inside out whereas toji just always knows how and when to abuse his prostate in the weirdest positions — satoru now has to stretch everyday to keep his limbs flexible.

when toji and sukuna fuck, the bedroom turns into a warzone. there’s bite and scratch marks everywhere on their bodies and when sukuna finally gives in and bottoms, neither of them actually make an effort to stretch him. never goes well. sukuna actually cries but he loves pain so it’s okay because satoru gives toji a really big scolding after and then both of them try to somewhat take care of him.

which also never goes well because all three of them never had good experiences with physical touch, nor do they know how to take care of someone else or themselves.

toji was barely holding himself together after graduation high school, having started some heavy drugs when he was sixteen and he never really grew out of it for years because of his fucked up family or his even more fucked up friends.

satoru was homeschooled, had no friends, didn’t know anyone his age — he had no concept of social life, of interpersonal relationships, pop culture. his face never showed any emotions because he just didn’t feel nothing, he felt hollow. nothing in his life brought him joy. his own mother barely paid any attention to him and when she did, there was nothing but hatred in her words.

sukuna grew up with a mother that had fun torturing him, may it be emotionally or physically. when he was younger, still an only child and his father too busy with work, she’s used him to press out her cigarettes, told him to stay still and then watched his face with great interest. there’s a long list of things that he had to endure and he hates remembering it.

they don’t know how they found each other.

i will deffo write more for this au bc i miss toji and satoru terribly

[jack-kellys]

okay my second attempt was 'retail au' and 'hitman/assassin au' which isnt much better than my first attempt but. i want to see a newsie kill an exploitative manager - @pigeonwit

im doing this one cause the other one is cool but This Is Big-Brained.

"While the terms "hitman" and "assassin" are often used interchangeably, the difference lies in the motivation behind the killing. Hitmen are motivated by money, while assassins are motivated by politics or ideology."

David's accepted what he does, by now. Mostly he's accepted that it does indeed pay, but the other benefits are far greater- he only takes the jobs he wants to now, his family stays safe, and he's travelled all over the world. He's never had to stick around if he doesn't want to, and he's never seen a reason to.

This hit's a lower rate, sure, but it's for a good cause. David's good at taking down bosses of any kind, criminal or not, and he figures... an abusive retail boss is something close to criminal. He worked retail as a young teen, and all he remembers is the genuine hell of it all.

Ten minutes before closing, David slips inside the store unseen, pulling out his phone to glance over the reference image one final time. Stalking quietly through the rows of hangers and millennial fashions, he spies his target. He lays low.

The sweep through the store before lock-up is mediocre at best, and David quite easily evades employees' gazes as they do a final look through the store. He's ducked down between a few racks, his own gaze raising every once and while to keep eyes on the target-

-of, whom, has disappeared.

David frowns to himself, watching the few other employees head out so their boss can lock up... but as the minutes pass by, it's clear to David that he'll hopefully get to do the hit without hassle in a back room. Eyes sweeping, he stands and creeps out of hiding, hand gripped tight on his gun. It's clear he's alone in the main area, though, so he makes his way toward the back.

David comes upon an 'employees only' door, and gently rests his hand on the doorknob. His eyebrows shoot up- he's able to push it down. It's unlocked. David's lips press together as he enters with wary care, knees bent.

A strangled noise pricks his ears, and his head swivels as he tries to see the source.

He doesn't need to for long- the flash of a phone camera illuminates the room, and in the brief flash of light David can see his target lying on the floor, throat slit, blood laced like decoration along someone's hands. David pulls his gun.

"Don't-! Do that," a voice says, likely the murder-photographer. The person sighs. "You ain't look like a cop, man, put the gun away and this'll be easier. I got no issue with you."

"Name, or I shoot," David says cooly.

"Shoot how? You ain't even know where the light switch is."

"I have enough bullets in here to spray the wall you're right by. You're bound to take a few."

The voice huffs a laugh. "It's ah, Jack. Happy?"

Not David's client's name. He narrows his eyes, still firmly positioned to shoot if need be.

"Not happy, I guess," 'Jack' mutters. "You should be, I mean. Pretty sure I did your job for ya."

"How would you know about that?" David snaps. "I could easily be here for you."

"Not with that silencer," Jack snorts. "Nah, you're... If I had to guess. This's a hit, ain't it. You're getting paid."

David's eyes widen, though not at Jack's accurate guess. If there was no pay, and David could be secure and keep his family safe any other way, no way in hell would he be killing people for a living.

"You're not?" he can't help and blurt.

The lights go on, blinding David for a moment. He steps back, gun still trained on where Jack is. In the split second his gaze clears, there's another fucking person in the room, and Jack is wearing a red bandana on the lower half of his face and a tan cowboy hat on his head. David stares. Recognizing him from late-night news reports.

"You're the New York assassin," he whispers, half to himself. Jack looks up, eyes and skin dark as the room had been moments ago. His eyes roll.

"Vigilante," the man uselessly corrects. "And no, I ain't get paid off. Crutchie here didn't pay a cent."

The man who'd turned the lights on, who'd (correctly) stiffened and stayed quiet, gives a small wave, grip tight around the crutch under his arm.

"My boss was gonna fire me for needing to go to a doctor's appointment I'd scheduled weeks ago," Crutchie says, shrugging. "He's called me some pretty bad shit behind my back, too."

Fair enough- oddly fair enough. How is this guy not David's client?

"Crutchie- you shouldn't be- be...here."

"Man," Jack says, and David can tell he's grinning by the way his eyes crinkle, "this is a fuckin' party, ain't it."

A goddamn fourth person speeds into the room, eyes huge.

"Racetrack, I presume," David says. His client. The new man nods slowly, but turns to Crutchie.

"You should not be here," Race says again. "You need to get out-"

"Did you hire this guy? For me?" Crutchie says.

Race glances over to David, before looking back to Crutchie. "Well, yeah, I mean, Wiesel's been treating you like fucking shit. I couldn't just- not do anything, anymore."

"I couldn't either, obviously," Crutchie says, glancing at Jack, "but, um.. that's... kind of sweet of you."

David's neutral expression drops for a brief second as he resists the urge to turn the gun on himself. What the fuck is going on right now.

He instead raises his gun toward the pair of employees.

"Get out. Throw out the shoes you're wearing," David demands calmly. "And pay me within twelve hours. I have your address."

Race's eyes widen again, and he flashes a panicked smile as he nods, forcing Crutchie out of the room as well. Jack remains, arms crossed and head tilted.

"That was real sweet, actually," Jack hums. "If only you beat me to it, then your client woulda actually got to say he killed someone for his boyfriend." And he narrows his eyes at David in away that makes him flush with anger. He raises his gun again.

"You're right, I didn't kill him. You did," David says. "And I can have you in police custody in minutes."

"Oh, but that's no fun," Jack replies, raising an eyebrow. "Look, I did a good thing here. Just as you were about to. All I happened to do was beat a trained hitter as his own damn game, damn."

Jack laughs, shaking his head. "God I'm gettin' good."

Good at what, David wants to scoff. Killing? Killing is easy. It's simple- primal. All this 'Jack' is doing is giving in.

"I'd like to see you try that against five armed security guards, but yes, sure. Getting good," David mutters, turning around. He has to get out of here to save his own skin, anyway, which is a priority over determining Jack's fate.

"You'd like to see me try?" Jack says behind him. Closer now. David reaches behind him, grip closing around Jack's forearm and tugging the assassin close enough for his gun to rest under his jaw.

"If I let you live, yeah," David nods.

"You're one to talk," Jack drawls, and David glances down to see Jack has a blade right by David's thigh. His gaze finds the other's again. Jack's is bright, hungry. David can see his pulse, rapid on his neck. "And if you'd like to 'see me' try, you could at least unmask me."

David frowns, but can't resist the temptation- especially with the barrel of his gun still poking into the other man. Carefully, he lowers Jack's bandana to reveal a wide nose, a dark birthmark, and soft lips.

He's smiling. Of course.

"You're telling me you'd shoot this pretty face off?" Jack murmurs.

"Maybe," is David's strong reply. Jack nods, eyes flicking across David's face. Observing him, perhaps.

"I'll put my faith in a maybe," Jack says, and before David can even think to squeeze the trigger, the vigilante's lips are on his own.

David can barely comprehend what's happening, besides Jack's warm touch, the glint in the man's eye, and the anchor to reality that brushes against his thigh every other second. David's gun hasn't left Jack's throat, either. An odd kind of mutually assured destruction, somehow at the back of David's mind.

Jack's kiss is.. forbidden, in a way he hasn't experienced in far too long. David's life is a river run by rules, codes, consequences, and so far he's safely steered himself through, going with the flow. But this is a sudden waterfall, and unforeseen drop, and David can't control this part of the river. Not really, not besides how he falls down it.

But Jack goes in for another kiss, and David falls the hell down it, returning it, quick breaths mingling and brain turning off as he lets himself take the easy road. Gives in, letting this primal desire take hold of him for the moment. Jack seems to want it more, at least, so if they are free falling down the roaring water, David'll let Jack hit the hard waves first.

Slowly, David pulls back, looking down at the other, doing his best not to smirk to himself. The blade is missing from by his thigh, and after a moment, David removes his gun.

"You have a safe house nearby?" David inquires. Jack's gaze his awestruck- he must be surprised to still be alive, let alone kissed back. He nods, putting his bandana up before taking David's hand, sprinting out of the store.

[bengiyo]

Tokyo in April is…: Ren Thought He Raped Kazuma for Ten Years

I apologize for the provocative title, but it’s something I want to unpack in this episode. As a Sad Gay Boy Who Watches Too Much Stuff, I want to get into the depths of the horror that Ren has lived with for ten years, and how it informs so much of his behaviors. I have a lot of complicated thoughts about this and will be using direct and sometimes-coarse language to talk about some of these ideas in this post. Please bear that in mind as you continue.

Trigger warnings: sexual assault, self-harm, suicide, child abuse, child disownment.

Ren is such a terribly tragic character. It’s been a long time since we had a gay character so completely unable to accept the love being poured onto him, and I think we need to get into why Ren is so incapable of love that he doesn’t even know how to cook.

It’s Mutual, But They’re Gay

Let’s start with everything through the aftermath of their first time.

We often see the trope of “It’s mutual, they’re just idiots.” I don’t think that applies here. Like with Lee Wan and Shin Ki Tae in Our Dating Sim, Wan didn’t conceive of a reality where Ki Tae reciprocated his feelings. Ren couldn’t ask Kazuma directly if he was also interested in him and had received indication from Kazuma that he was interested in girls.

In a spiral that he would never connect with Kazuma, a kind boy that he loves dearly, he decides to just get it over with and solicits sex from a stranger on the web.

Meanwhile, Kazuma has been nursing a crush on Ren this entire time, but he keeps second-guessing himself because every time Ren invites him somewhere, Ren also covers the fact that he’s angling to be alone with Kazuma by inviting other people around. When asked about girls, he gives the expected answer; we’re all men here, right? When he sees Ren going so far as to solicit sex online, he’s confused.

He chases the guy off, and declares that, if Ren has to do it, to do it with him.

Ren is always holding back with Kazuma, and it hangs over their first time. He apologizes that Kazuma’s first time is with him instead of a girl he might like, and Kazuma’s face drops. Ren asks if they can kiss, and quickly backs off the request. He remains completely still for the kiss, clearly scared of taking too much.

During the act, Kazuma gets overwhelmed with emotions about how the boy he admires so much is having his first time in such a seedy place. He begins to weep, and Ren interprets this as Kazuma being upset that he just did something so intimate with him. He thinks the favor he asked for hurt his friend.

Kazuma has no memory of anything after that night. He got deathly ill, and by the time he was cogent again Ren was gone. For Ren, the horrors are just beginning.

The Horrors

Before we get into this, I think it’s very clever of this show to frame the scenes in the past within this episode as coming from the memory of Ren. I think it gives them permission to go for style, and I think it makes filming easier for everyone. It allows things to be played kind of stilted.

The next morning, Ren realizes that something is wrong with Kazuma and he’s very sick. He does the responsible thing and calls for medical assistance. I can’t imagine how terrified he must have been at that moment. The boy he loves is dying, and now he’s got to tell the adults in his life that he might be the culprit and he’s been told that Kazuma might die. In his mind, he coerced Kazuma into sex, and in conjunction with his waiting around in the rain, enabled him to get deathly ill. A part of him probably wonders if he should have noticed something while they were intimate and sleeping next to each other.

gif by @save-the-data

He knows exactly what he’s admitting to, and still goes through with it. He doesn’t like. Kazuma’s life is more important to him than any consequences he might face. He says he forced Kazuma to have sex with him and reports on his lack of food intake, and then Kazuma’s mom slaps him and says to never appear before her son again. He is then summarily disowned by his family, forced to change his name, and sent away to France to be forgotten.

I think it should be noted here that Ren is a bottom. I can’t help but imagine the kind of images the adults int eh room must have conjured when he reported his actions. You know in their minds he forced himself inside of Kazuma as Kazuma struggled weakly. Could they have conceived of some sort of psychological coercion where Kazuma tops him? I don’t think so. They will never understand the sad disconnect between two boys who loved each other.

Seeing that he may never see Kazuma again, Ren has a terrifying moment involving a sharp tool. Thankfully, he fails, and goes to see Kazuma at the hospital. He breaks down crying as he apologizes to an unconscious Kazuma for liking him.

He begs Kazuma to live.

gifs by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

After this, he is sent to France, and Kazuma loses his old phone and his various Tokyo contacts.

That’s what Ren sat on for ten years. His last encounter with the first boy he loved was an emotionally confused sexual encounter followed by a terrifying health incident and ostracization from his family. He thought Kazuma regretted the entire exchange and almost died because of it. He believes he forced his friend to do something against his will. He thinks he raped his friend. He lost his family. He wears a wristband to hide his scars

That was the last ten years for him until he finds Kazuma’s box of research.

Ren Has Few Love Languages Left

Oh, but Kazuma is here! He was looking for him! Kazuma doesn’t regret what they did! He means exactly what he’s been saying this whole time. He missed Ren. He searched for him. It wasn’t just Ren. It wasn’t just in his head. He’s literally begging Ren to let him back in.

I cannot overstate how gentle it was for this show to follow up on such a heavy set of reveals by showing these two in a domestic bubble for most of the remaining episode. Still, I can’t get over how this forces us to see how stunted Ren is by the entire affair.

Ren doesn’t have much game. He doesn’t flirt with Kazuma that much. All he can do is spend time with him and seek reassurance and connection through sex. He doesn’t have a lot of other hobbies, so has no special places to share with Kazuma. He can’t make food for Kazuma to share his affection.

gif by @my-rose-tinted-glasses

So often in these Japanese shows, food itself is love. Unlike Kakei Shiro, Ren doesn’t know how to cook. He can’t express his affections back to Kazuma in that way. All he has is love of his shows and the ability to spend time with Kazuma. It’s at this point that their Friends With Benefits rules start to break down. Ren spends the next few days living with Kazuma. He doesn’t want to leave him anymore.

gif by @my-rose-tinted-glasses

They start cooking together and feeding each other food. As a gay man, I’m choosing to read them both feeding each other in a sexual context. We get Kazuma’s voice over saying, “Nothing else mattered. You’re the only thing that’s important to me, Ren,” as Ren smiles at a sleeping Kazuma and strokes his face.

These two are doing so much better that their coworker comments on how good they both have been looking lately!

Final Thoughts

My only goal with this was to write down how deeply sad Ren made me in this past episode. We see so many gays in these shows that are Shiny and Chrome. I find myself often drawn to the gay men in these shows who have suffered, because I have suffered. I carry old wounds on my soul from the gay disappointments of my youth. For all the spectacular sex that these two are having, I am struck with the deep sadness that Ren is just now learning how to express love to someone.

I know what it’s like to feel like you’ve hurt someone because of a misunderstanding and know that you will never be able to do anything to make it right. I know what it’s like to be young and love a boy and think that he doesn’t love you back only to later be told that he was interested. It hurts. It is a permanent ache you feel in the joints in your hands.

I get Ren. I am rooting for him.

[scriptscribbles]

Any hopes/worries for rtd2

I hope it makes me cry again. I think it's off to a really good start and making a lot of the moves I want to see. I'm thrilled that we're getting an all PoC TARDIS team next year, too, massively overdue. And I'm hoping we get some proper queer romances for the Doctor after the underdeveloped afterthought that was Thasmin.

Worries are always easier for me to voice cuz I'm the kind of person who's wired to be interested in criticism. I'm very worried that so far the writer and director slate has been hella white, especially with some clunky lines already (I can take "male-presenting Time Lord", but "range of colors" was too much, cut that). I'm also being reminded that while RTD is a very good writer, one of the best Who has ever had and a big step up from the last 5 years of the show, he's not as much my kind of Who as Moffat is and his storytelling choices don't necessarily land for me as well. I'm having to recalibrate expectations as a result and get back into his groove. (Thankfully, let's be real, it sounds like Moffat is back for this year's series and I bet that'll be the best episode).

I'm also worried that people continue not to be normal about those missteps. Already seen so many accusations of RTD fostering abusive environments, RTD being transphobic, RTD being racist, RTD being misogynistic, none of which actually line up with a single report I've heard of working with the guy (yes, Eccleston was mishandled, no, nobody else on the first run or his other shows seems to have had as negative an experience) or the lengthy history of being generally leftist and on the right side of things he's got to his name. It's gonna be another ridiculous era of discourse.

[bucky-barnes-diaries]

Dear @staff. Community Labels are killing Creators and Fandoms and you are doing nothing about it…

In theory, the Community Labels seemed like a great new system to allow more Mature Content to come back to Tumblr. It would allow more freedom for creators to post and express themselves however they wanted!

But in practice, the feature, as it is now, is absolutely awful! As soon as a post get a Label slapped on, it’s basically dead. Shadowbanned! Censored! Nonexistent!

The reasoning is that you made Community Labels a forced feature for everyone, meaning that every single blog on this platform automatically has Mature Content set to ��hide.”

A lot of people don’t know that this feature exists and are missing out on a lot of posts from their favorite creators.

Now, if I understand correctly, the reasoning for why Community Labels are being implemented in the first place is because Apple is anti-porn, and there’s a risk that Tumblr will be banned from the App Store.

Fine. Let’s go from there. Tumblr needs to have this new feature in place to remain functional, but there has to be some changes made for it to still be enjoyable to continue posting on this platform.

1. Change the default for Mature Content from “hide” to “blur.” For accounts that are over 18+, of course. This way, people can still see that there is a post for them to view, and from there on, they can choose if they wish to click on the post and view its content.

2. Make it easier to change the Community Label settings within the app.

3. Make regular pop-ups to all users over 18 that lets them know that they can change their settings on how they wish to view Mature Content.

4. Now, the most important one: remove the ability for other users to suggest a Community Label. This option has 100% been proven to be weaponized and abused towards writers. People are deliberately going around and reporting all kinds of posts. Yes, even the ones that don’t contain any smut.

I would like to point out some issues and concerns with the Community Labels.

Whatever system you have in place to detect Mature Content is doing an awful job at distinguishing between what’s fluff and what’s smut. Content that has no or very limited Mature Content in them are getting flagged left, right, and center.

When you get an alert that a post requires a Community Label, do you actually double-check the post, or do you just let the A.I put one on?

Where do you draw the line of smut? Is kissing safe? Or does that require a Label? Is simple touching safe? Or does that require a Label? Is mentioning and talking about sex, but not actually doing the act itself safe? Or does that require a Label? Is showering together without there being sex safe? Or does that require a Label?

Dear @staff. We are tired. With already low engagement for all writers throughout Tumblr, this new feature seems to be the last blow to our creativity, and we are just tired. We are tired of having our creations that we’ve spent days, weeks, months, years be censored. We are tired of having everything that we put our heart, soul, blood, sweat, and tears into die within a few hours.

I’m hoping you guys will start listening to us, because I wouldn’t be surprised if more and more people leave this site…

@changes @wip @support @engineering

[mercifullymad]

It’s frustrating and disappointing to see nominally social justice-focused eating disorder organizations (like Project Heal and the Alliance for Eating Disorders) support the passing of the Kids Online Safety Act (KOSA). KOSA is opposed by more than 90 civil rights and digital rights groups, including GLAAD, GLSEN, the ACLU, the Center for Democracy and Technology, the American Library Association, and the Electronic Frontier Foundation. KOSA also contradicts the U.N.’s Convention on the Rights of the Child, which states that children should not be subjected to “unlawful interference with [their] privacy.” One of KOSA's main premises — the belief that increased parental surveillance of children’s Internet use will protect children’s mental health — is inherently flawed, and it is of paramount importance for abused and marginalized children that mental health organizations don’t buy into this belief.

This open letter signed by several organizations details the many dangerous implications of KOSA’s overreach. While KOSA aims to protect minors under 16 from the negative effects of social media use (such as “addictive” design features and content that “promotes” eating disorders, self-harm, or substance use), its vague language enables increased surveillance of children’s Internet use, increased data collection on both children and adults alike, and the power for parents and state government officials to decide what content is “appropriate” for children. With some states increasingly legalizing the idea that any kind of content that acknowledges the existence of queer people or the U.S.’s legacy of racism is inherently “inappropriate” for children (by banning books and preventing school curriculums from mentioning these realities), KOSA has the potential to prevent children from accessing these topics online, too.

KOSA is particularly dangerous to marginalized and abused children because of the level of inescapable parental surveillance it enables. Passing KOSA might prevent a 15-year-old from looking up how to report his abusive parents or where to seek help. It might prevent a 14-year-old whose parents will disown her if she’s pregnant from looking up sex education or abortion care. It might prevent a 13-year-old living in a homophobic household from connecting with accepting peers. It might prevent 12-year-olds who are already self-harming or eating unintuitively from looking up harm reduction techniques that could keep them alive. KOSA would not keep children safe or improve their mental health — it would make the most at-risk children even more unsafe, and it would worsen the mental health of anyone living in an unsafe household or state.

I presume that eating disorder organizations are campaigning for KOSA because they believe the unrealistic, fatphobic, and eurocentric beauty standards proliferating on social media are causing and/or exacerbating eating disorders, and they are desperate for any recourse to curtail these harms. But KOSA is premised on flawed understandings of media effects, and it is a dangerous piece of legislation that wouldn’t adequately address the very real harms of social media. Multiple studies have shown that similar content bans and increased parental control have not been effective, and have even made harmful content easier to find. Whatever good intentions eating disorder organizations might have by endorsing KOSA, it is important to note that all evidence points to KOSA harming children, not helping them. 

KOSA aims to make social media companies accountable for preventing children from seeing content that “promotes” eating disorders, self-harm, suicide, and substance use. The problem is, social media algorithms are incapable of distinguishing between content that promotes these behaviors and content that discusses these behaviors in a neutral manner or provides harm reduction techniques for making these behaviors less dangerous. As the EFF notes, “there is no way a platform can make case-by-case decisions about which content exacerbates, for example, an eating disorder, compared to content which provides necessary health information and advice about the topic.” We’ve already seen Instagram repeatedly fail at distinguishing between fresh self-harm and years-old scars, censoring and removing pictures of people simply living in bodies that are scarred. If KOSA passes, any mention of the aforementioned behaviors is liable to be censored and removed from social media platforms, which may have the paradoxical effect of pushing children who want community support, neutral information, or harm reduction techniques into more harmful corners of the Internet, such as specifically pro-ED sites. 

Moreover, KOSA and the eating disorder organizations supporting it buy into the same harmful narratives of social contagion that anti-queer and anti-trans groups promote so fiercely. The narrative that children uncritically adopt any behavior or identity they see online is egregious and clearly false (especially when it comes to teens, as opposed to 8-year-olds), but of course it is easier to blame social media alone rather than thoroughly examine the systems of injustice, oppression, and abuse that contribute to children’s poor mental health. While online content that promotes self-destructive behaviors is a real harm to children that should be addressed, the way to address this harm is not by mandating governmental and parental surveillance of children’s internet use. It is to equip children with better media literacy, trustworthy adult figures they can turn to for help, and tools for critically evaluating digital content. 

Platforms certainly do need greater regulation, and children do need greater protection from social media companies, which don’t care about their mental health as long as they can profit off them. But children need real protection, not KOSA, which is just increased surveillance for everyone under the thin veneer of child protection. I encourage you to read some of the many, many articles detailing the harmful effects KOSA would have. We must demand better for children than surveillance under the guise of “care,” and we must prioritize the children who are already hurting when considering who this legislation would harm the most. 

[ap0wersstories]

Arianna Pays for Cost of Living Part 2

*Important Note*

The following story is 100% fiction with zero real world relevance, non-consensual sex/sexual assault or underage sex of any kind is wrong and should never be accepted. If you are considering or have committed such an offence I suggest you get serious psychiatric help.

=============================

After taking her anal raping while getting face fucked, Arianna was shaking and twitching from the abuse. She was praying that they would give her a rest or even let her go but her hopes were dashed immediately as men descended on her as soon as the other two had stepped away. One man lay next to her and dragged her on top of him, he positioned her onto his rock hard cock and immediately thrusted hard into her sloppy pussy which was now dripping with her pussy juices as her body did it’s best to make the rape as easy on her as possible. As he slammed his cock into her another man positioned himself behind her with his cock poking into her ass, she was still super tight from her first anal rape but he was able to get it in easier. The cameraman had still been filming all of this and had an idea to help her, “wait! Make it easier on her! Here’s some lubricant oil I use on my equipment!”

Arianna gasped and turned to him, “Jeff! What are you doing?! Stop them!!!”

”Sorry Arianna, there’s too many of them. But hopefully that’ll make it easier on your ass!”

The man ass fucking her had pulled out and squirted the lube on his cock and squirted it on her ass hole, he worked it in a little with his finger and then pushed his now slick cock into her ass. It certainly did slide in a lot easier, while it meant it didn’t feel like her ass was tearing as much the cock was getting significantly deeper and he was actually fucking her ass with his cock sliding in and out.

“Ahhhhhhh fuck stop!!!! Please it’s too much!!!”

But they weren’t stopping, in fact they only increased their strokes with her cries and the man fucking her pussy was slamming the head of his cock against her cervix and it was turning Arianna on in a way she’d never experienced. She couldn’t help it, her body was betraying her, she let out a moan of pleasure as the men double penetrated her hard. “Mmmmmmmmm ohhhhhhhhh godddddddd!!!”

The man fucking her ass loved hearing it, “Haha listen to that!!! She’s enjoying getting raped by homeless men!!! C’mon let’s give it to her harder!!!”

The two men got into unison and were pounding her holes as a powerful duo, with each thrust Arianna got more and more turned on. “Oh fuck!! Oh fuck!! Please it’s too much for me, I don’t want this!! Oh godddddd!!!!” As she screamed out her body shuddered as she experienced the biggest orgasm in her entire life, she was utterly overwhelmed by the sensations of being double penetrated in such a brutal way.

The men continued their assault on her holes as she continued to cum, the man in her ass was the closest of the two and was slamming his cock hard into her. Finally his balls erupted shooting his load into Arianna’s bowels, “fuuuuuuuuuck yeaaaaaaaah you fucking whooooooooore!!!!!” As his cock twitched shooting streams of cum into her, Arianna’s ass squeezed down on his cock as she experienced the agony and ecstasy of a man cumming in her ass while she orgasmed. The man fucking her pussy wasn’t to be outdone, the other pair cumming sent him into a frenzy and he slammed his cock into Arianna’s sloppy wet pussy and unloaded all his pent up sexual frustration on the young hot reporters body. His body jerked as he sent his cum flowing into Arianna, coating her fertile insides with his homeless seed. “Haha fuck yeah you slut!!!! Take our cum! We fucking own your slutty holes now!!!”

For Arianna her mind was a haze, on the one hand she felt utterly humiliated and in excruciating pain from the rapes she’d experienced, and yet she felt like a whore after cumming hard to those men’s foul abuse of her. Her body rocked and shook as she started coming down from her orgasm, the two men vacated her holes with cum dribbling out both her holes. She had to imagine she was pregnant now, and if she wasn’t it was only a matter of time. She panted and collapsed on her front praying that this nightmare might end. Instead more men descended on her and got her up for the next round. The men had enjoyed hearing her cries and moans as she got DP’d but these next three men all want a go now, and others were growing impatient. One man lay next to her like the other man and picked her up facing away from him, and dropped her ass onto his cock which he pre-lubricated. Her ass hole was now very open and with the combination of the cum and lube she slid almost all the way down first go. She lay back onto him allowing him to fuck her ass while another man stepped up and forced his cock into her sloppy wet pussy, she was still super sensitive from her previous orgasm and couldn’t help but moan at yet another cock entering her. Other men undid her hand bindings and once free one of the homeless men shoved his filthy cock in her mouth while two others used her hands to jerk them. Arianna was servicing 5 men at once!

They each used her like their fucktoy, moving her around to different positions each getting chances at different holes never giving her a moments rest. 2 of the men came in her pussy, 1 in her ass, while the other two busted their loads on her exhausted face. Being triple fucked and brutalised by multiple men became the norm for her for the next 6 hours, man after man stepped up and used whatever hole they could. They were absolutely brutal with her never allowing her a moments rest, she took more loads than she could count and her pussy and ass were brutalised, battered, and cum drenched. Lots of the men were drug users and had STD’s most people hadn’t even heard of, she was utterly ruined. After a while the men even started challenging each other to get as man cocks as they could in her, best they could muster was two in the ass and two in her pussy with her mouth being used and her jerking two guys. She was a broken mess. Finally they had all reached a point they couldn’t even get hard and frankly she was out of it, she’d lost her mind in the frenzy from multiple orgasms and trying to switch off from the abuse. She was only barely conscious, her body was covered in sweat and stains of cum, while all over her she had bruises and marks from the men slapping her amazing frame.

They stood back and observed her, while one said, “fuck we really ruined this slut didn’t we!”

One of the others responded, “fuck yes we did, and this guy even got it all on camera!” He pointed at Jeff who had started packing his camera up, Jeff turned to them and smiled. “I’m going to be showing this to all the men back at the station and getting this out on the darkweb. She’s gonna be famous!”

They bound her naked in rope and electrical wire with her arms behind her back, connected to her ankles, while a further rope was wrapped around her neck and also connected to her wrists. This meant every time she relaxed her legs it tug on the rope around her neck making it hard to breathe. She was sticky all over with the cum of her homeless rapists drying out. To finish it off they shoved her in a train cart that they knew would be leaving shortly, and not stopping for at least 5 hours. They closed the door and Arianna heard the men cackling with cruel laughter as the train jerked to start its journey.

She was found 8 hours later hundreds of miles away by a train yard worker. She was barely conscious but alive and he was able to free her of her bindings. She recovered in hospital and never returned to reporting, 9 months after her gang rape she gave birth to her rape baby knowing it’s father was one of maybe 100 men.

[mymoodwriting]

18.3k, drugs, medication, pills, abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, harassment, bullying, kidnapping, restraints, supernatural, demons, experimentation, human experimentation, nightmares, torture, yandere

“Welcome to the Deobi Group Home for Troubled Youths.”

     You walked up the steps to what looked like an abandoned building, feeling incredibly uncertain about everything. At least you weren’t alone, Doctor Bryce opened the front door for you and led you inside. He called out to others, and one by one a bunch of boys gathered at the entrance. Many unfamiliar faces were staring at you, and you were getting very nervous.

“Uh…”

“Where’s Sangyeon?” Dr. Bryce questioned. “Is he in the bathtub again, I swear. Sangyeon!”

    The doctor went up the stairs, calling out to this Sangyeon, ultimately leaving you alone with all these strangers. You kept your head down, not wanting to make eye contact, but they were all staring.

“What are you here for?”

“Yeah, what kinda trouble did you cause?”

“You don’t look like you belong here.”

    You had no idea how to answer any of them. You could tell they weren’t exactly happy about your presence, but you knew just about as much as they did. After a moment Dr. Bryce returned, a boy soaked from head to toe right behind him, Sangyeon you presumed. He stayed on the stairs as the doctor came down to your side.

“Alright, boys, this is y/n, the newest member of this house. I want you all to treat her with kindness and go easy on her as she learns her way around.” A boy raised his hand. “Yes, Sunwoo?”

“Why is she here?”

“She needs a place to stay as-”

“I mean what did she do? This is a place for troublemakers. She doesn’t look like one.”

Dr. Bryce cleared his throat. “Y/n here was found wandering the streets this morning. She has no recollection of her life besides her name.”

“So a runaway.”

“Why not send her to a foster house?” Another questioned. “Or an orphanage? Why here?”

“Juyeon. You don’t just ask something like that. You’re making her feel unwelcomed.”

“If she’s just a runaway with supposed amnesia she’d be better off in either of those other places. You know that, so why bring her here?”

“There’s no means of identification for y/n here. She also doesn’t match any missing persons report in the area or neighboring districts. Since she’s not in any system, we can’t easily place her in an orphanage or foster house, and she needs a place to stay going forward.”

“So the town can’t be bothered with paperwork so they threw her here.” Sangyeon said. “Cause they could care less about us.”

“We’ll be working on finding y/n’s home, it’s just easier to keep her here for now. Besides, I thought a new face would be a nice change of pace for all of you.”

“Sure.”

    Without another word Sangyeon made his way upstairs. The others took that as their cue to leave, all going their separate ways. Although the doctor did stop one of them.

“Haknyeon, could you please show y/n around while I take care of her file.”

“Whatever.”

“Go on now.”

    You were still very nervous but you rushed over to follow Haknyeon, cautiously looking around. The building seemed rundown on the outside, and the inside wasn’t exactly pristine. Although from what you could see, it was maintained well enough to live in and call a home. 

“We rotate chores around the house, just cause you’re new doesn’t mean you’ll be excused.”

“Alright…”

“You can join Jacob, Kevin, and Eric, since they’re the only group of three. They’re on kitchen duty today, so you’ll help them later.”

“Okay.”

    You were shown to the living room area, which seemed to remain mostly untouched. As well as the kitchen and dining room. There was a recreational area, and you could hear some noises coming from within but Haknyeon didn’t bother introducing you to anyone else. There was also a library and other miscellaneous rooms, as well as an office you were not allowed into.

“Doc may be the person to oversee this house, but he’s also the resident psychologist. We all have sessions with him, since the whole point of this place is to rehabilitate us so we can return to society and blah blah blah. I’m sure he’ll talk to you about all that at some point. Anyway, his office is locked at all times, and when you have a session don’t be late or you’ll get grounded. You don’t wanna know what that entails, trust me, it’s the worst.”

    From there Haknyeon took you upstairs. All the bedrooms were up there, and each person was assigned a room. Although Dr. Bryce had his own place outside the main house, but still on the property. There was a communal shower they used, but there were two private bathrooms as well, with bathtubs and shower heads that’d you probably prefer. He let you know that there were a lot more rooms than people in the house, so many were empty, but the ones that were occupied had a name and number on them. To his surprise your room had already been picked out as you found a door with your name and the number 46 on it.

“What are the numbers for? They’re not really consistent with each other…”

“No idea. I’m assuming something with our files.”

    Haknyeon opened the door for you, gesturing for you to step in. The room was a decent size, although very plain. There was an empty desk, a twin size bed with a pillow, and a closet, which was of course empty. You looked down at yourself, coming to realize you had nothing but the clothes on your back. As far as you understood you were going to be living here for the foreseeable future.

“Uh… what about… clothes and stuff?”

“Not my problem. Take it up with Doc whenever you see him.” Haknyeon pulled out a lollipop from his pocket. “That’s the end of the tour. Dinner preparations start in a little while, so you should head to the kitchen in a bit.”

“Ah, thank you.”

“Hm.”

    Haknyeon popped the lollipop into his mouth and left the room. You could hear his footsteps fading away, and then you were completely alone. You looked around at the room again, going over to the window. At first you looked up at the cloudy sky, having a feeling of dread and gloom pass over you. It sent shivers down your spine and you turned your attention to below. You could see part of the yard, and noticed two boys down there. They were doing yard work, and weren’t aware of your gaze. Despite the cold demeanor they had all presented earlier, the two below seemed to get along well. You could only hope you’d break the ice with them sooner rather than later.

    As Haknyeon had told you, cooking for dinner would start soon, and you were supposed to help. You made your way downstairs, trying to remember where the kitchen was. When you arrived you could hear the sounds of pots and pans, slowly making your way inside. Three boys were already getting started, but they all stopped to look at you.

“Uh… hi… I was told I’d be helping you with dinner…”

“Right, since we’re three, we get the new one.”

“At least every group has four now.” One of the boys walked up to you. “I’m Jacob. So, what can you do?”

“I… I don’t know… I don’t remember if I’ve ever cooked before…”

“Still sticking to that story?” Another commented. “Let’s see how long it lasts.”

“Right.” Jacob sighed. “Can you follow directions?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool, get some things from the fridge for me.”

    Jacob ordered you around the kitchen as you got things, and helped with some minor preparations. You also wound up washing any dishes that were no longer being used. The other two did give you orders as well, Kevin and Eric, but Jacob seemed to be the one in charge here. Soon enough the kitchen was filled with a wonderful aroma, and you really wanted to taste, but the second you got close Kevin was scolding you, so you quickly backed off. You couldn’t remember when the last time you ate was, but you were certainly hungry now.

    Eric had you help him set the table, preparing plates and glasses for thirteen people. The table could certainly hold more people, but that was all that was necessary. As you were finishing up some of the others started to enter the dining room, taking their seats. Some asked Eric what was prepared, but none seemed to pay you any mind. When Eric returned to the kitchen you quickly followed, nearly bumping into Jacob as he was bringing out a plate. He quickly yelled at you to be careful, and you profusely apologized, bowing down multiple times. You asked what else you could do to help but none answered you. 

    They took care of bringing the food out, and you were left alone in the kitchen. You were hungry, but you could hear the chatter coming from the dining room, and were too nervous to enter. For the most part they had been ignoring you, but you feared they wouldn’t this time. You honestly might have stayed in the kitchen all night if you didn’t hear Dr. Bryce ask about you. Immediately you rushed into the dining room, and then all eyes were on you. An awkward smile decorated your face as you composed yourself, apologizing for being late.

“It’s alright, just have a seat.”

    Dr. Bryce sat at the end of the table, the others all sat next to one another, six on one side, and five on the other with an empty seat for you at the end of the row. The boy you’d be sitting next to was unfamiliar to you, and you kinda wished he wasn’t but you didn’t have a choice. The longer you stood, the more awkward everything would become. So you sat down, pouring yourself a glass of water and just quietly watching. You only ate what you could reach, too scared to ask anyone to pass you anything, but you had your fill. All the others talked among themselves, and Dr. Bryce also asked them about what they had accomplished. They mostly reported on their chores, not entirely eager to share personal details. Eventually Dr. Bryce noticed your silence, deciding to bring you into the conversation.

“What about you, y/n?”

“Huh?”

“Did Haknyeon give you a good tour?”

“Uh…” You glanced over at Haknyeon who kinda gave you a warning glare. “Yeah, he was really kind. He even showed me to my room… I… I haven’t thanked you yet, for taking me in and everything.”

“There’s no need for that.”

“Still, thank you.”

    After dinner Dr. Bryce was the first to excuse himself, then the others who weren’t on kitchen duty left too. Jacob told you to get the cart from the kitchen and to pick up all the dishes and wash them. The other three merely took the pots of food, putting what was left in the fridge, and also leaving them for you to wash. You didn’t complain about anything though, you hadn’t helped much in the cooking phase for dinner, the least you could do was clean. You found some rubber gloves and got to work. There was certainly a lot, but you were determined to get it done.

“Dish duty is never fun.”

    You were surprised when Dr. Bryce found you in the kitchen, nearly dropping a plate. You quickly apologized and bowed.

“Easy, you have nothing to apologize for.”

“Right…”

“So they told you to clean everything.”

“I don’t know how to cook… so I was useless earlier…”

“That doesn’t make this fair. I’m gonna have to scold them later.”

“No, no, it’s alright! I don’t mind.”

“Maybe you don’t but I do. There is a strict curfew time, and you won’t be done by then if you’re doing this all alone. Besides, you still need to shower and change clothes.”

“Uh… about that…”

“Yes. I’m aware you don’t have anything. I’ll have the boys lend you some clean laundry for tonight. After breakfast tomorrow I’ll take you out to get some clothes and other things.”

“Alright. Thank you…”

    When you finished with the dishes Dr. Bryce accompanied you upstairs. You found one of the boys walking around with only a towel around their waist, clearly fresh out of the shower. You screamed and quickly averted your eyes, fumbling over an apology.

“Changmin, do you think you can lend y/n some clothes for tonight?” Dr. Bryce asked. “She doesn’t have anything of her own.”

Changmin glanced at you. “Ask Sangyeon.”

“Changmin.”

    The boy rolled his eyes and went into his room. A moment later he returned with some joggers and a shirt, holding it out. You cautiously took it from him, thanking him with a light bow. 

“Don’t ruin it.”

“I won’t…”

“Thank you, Changmin.” Dr. Bryce said. “You’re very kind.”

“Sure. You need a towel too?”

    Without hesitating Changmin took off his towel and held it out to you. Again you screamed and shut your eyes, hiding your face behind the clothes you had just been given. Changmin just started laughing, and you heard his footsteps walking away. You didn’t open your eyes until you heard a door close, slowly peeking to see if he was gone.

“He did have boxers underneath.” Dr. Bryce assured. “Come on, I’ll show you where you can shower.”

    You were shown to one of the bathrooms, Dr. Bryce getting you a fresh towel from the small closet just outside. He showed you how to get some hot water and then left you to wash up, letting you know lights out was in twenty minutes. You thanked him, locking the door behind him and hoping into the shower. The warm water was nice, and you felt good to wash up the dirt from the day. You dried yourself off, making your way back to your room. As you were getting ready to lay down you heard a knock at your door. You quickly went over to find Dr. Bryce.

“Here, this is for you.”

    He offered you a glass of water, and a small plastic container with a blue pill in it. You stared down, confused, noticing a cart behind him with more glasses and pills. The other boys came over, some shirtless with shorts, some with only boxers on, others with shirts big enough to cover the necessities, all taking a pill and finishing their glass of water without questions.

“Uh…”

“They’re to help you sleep.” One mentioned before taking his pill. “Doc says good sleep leads to good behavior or something.”

“Ah…”

“I’m not saying you’re trouble.” Dr. Bryce explained. “But I would like you to get some good sleep, especially with this being your first night here.”

“Right, thank you.”

    You took the pill and downed the glass of water. Dr. Bryce offered you a smile and wished you a good night. You thanked him again before closing your door and getting into bed. As you laid there a lot of questions came to mind, but you began to feel sleepy. You had no idea what tomorrow would bring, but at least you had food in your belly, and a roof over your head. For someone in your predicament, that was good. You were grateful, telling yourself to do your best before you drifted off to sleep.

🖤

    You had no idea what time it was when you woke up, but a loud alarm certainly got you up. It went on for a quick minute before turning off, letting you release the tension you had been holding. You took a moment to compose yourself before getting up. You peeked your head out of the room, seeing some of the others walking around with towels over their shoulders, and tooth brushes. There was a little line at both bathrooms, but you were alright for the moment, you had nothing else to do in there anyway. So instead you made your way down, looking around for Dr. Bryce, but he seemed to find you out in the hall.

“Good morning, y/n.”

“Oh, morning.”

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“That’s good to hear. Breakfast should be ready soon, so we’ll head out after.”

“Alright.”

    Another group was in the kitchen this morning, having woken up earlier to get started. You were the first at the table, sitting down in the same spot as before and quietly waiting for others. You thought you’d be ignored again, but you weren’t so lucky this time.

“Is that Changmin’s shirt?” Sunwoo questioned. “Why do you have it?”

“Uh…”

“Did you sleep with him?” Another asked.

“No! No, I-”

“Here I thought I’d be the first one to tap that.” 

“As if.” A second scoffed. “Look in the mirror, Chanhee. I doubt even you’d sleep with yourself.”

“Don’t presume to know me, Younghoon.”

“What does that mean? Are you pro clone fucking?”

“I bet you are.”

“Fuck you!”

“It’s fuck me. You look more like a bottom.”

“You-”

“What’s with the commotion this early?” Sangyeon asked as he entered the dining room. “Can’t y’all shut the fuck up for once.”

“Younghoon was just telling us how pro clone fucking he was.” Chanhee stated. “Although I’m not sure how that works with two bottoms…”

“Oh, shut the fuck up.” Younghoon spat. “We were just talking about how the new girl slept with Changmin and is now wearing his clothes.”

    Sangyeon glanced over at you for a moment, looking you over. His gaze made you shy, and you tried to make yourself small. He merely rolled his eyes and sat down.

“It’s better than her wearing the same shit.”

    Soon enough the others arrived, as did Doc. Just like dinner, you ate what was in reach, quietly enjoying your meal with some orange juice. It was a lot more relaxed in the morning as everyone was still waking up, but there were things to talk about. Dr. Bryce went over the chores to be completed, as well as double checking to make sure the boys knew who was in charge of what. He also mentioned that he’d be taking you out to get you clothes and other necessities, as well as saying grocery shopping needed to be done.

“From those on kitchen duty today, I need two of you to come along. Any volunteers?” It was quiet. “Haknyeon, and Hyunjae, you two can come. Look over what we have and make a list of what we need. Also check in with the others about their preferences.”

“Why me?” Hyunjae whined. “I don’t want to go.”

“Would you rather be grounded?”

“Nope! I’ll get started on that list.”

    Hyunjae quickly bolted out of the room, getting a chuckle out of some. Once breakfast was finished you started helping clean up, but Dr. Bryce reminded you that it wasn’t your duty this morning, and that you’d be going out with him. You followed him out to the garage, seeing there were two cars on the property. Since you were with him you got shotgun, driving up to the gate and waiting on the other two. They didn’t complain, but at least there was music to fill the silence on the ride into town.

“Alright. Hyunjae, Haknyeon, let me look over that list.” 

    While they figured that out you took in your surroundings. Nothing looked familiar to you, but you had a strange feeling that you were supposed to be there. It just confused you, given that when you were at the police station yesterday it was established you weren’t from this town or anywhere close. Maybe it was wrong, but that didn’t change the fact no one around here knew you either. You kept that to yourself, waiting up on Dr. Bryce. He handed the boys some money, and told them to meet back at the car in two hours, and not to cause trouble. When they went off it left the two of you.

“Let’s go.”

    You went to a thrift store, Dr. Bryce letting you pick out anything you liked. He also told you to take your time, as perhaps something as simple as clothing can help you recover some memories. You tried some things on, seeing how you felt about them and how you looked. In the end you settled on a few things, enough to decently fill your closet. Of course besides clothes you needed intimates, going to another store for those. There was a nice lady there to help you, which you were very grateful for. After that the last stop was a convenience store so you could get some basic toiletries you’d need and other things.

“Is that everything?”

“Yes. Thank you very much.”

    You mainly shopped alone, Dr. Bryce leaving you to find things you liked, but you did overhear him talking with locals and the shop owners. They all seemed to know him, asking how he was managing so many trouble makers. A few asked what was the story with you, and once he mentioned the amnesia things many seemed to know who you were. Apparently word had spread about you appearing in the town with no memories of your past. You made no comment about it either, just doing what you came to do. When you got back to the car, you found you were the first ones back. You put your bags into the trunk, and soon enough the other two arrived with grocery bags. They loaded them up and then you were on the way back to the house.

    You offered to help with the groceries, but Dr. Bryce told you to take your things and get settled in your room. It did feel nice to make the room a bit more your own. Once you were done with that you made your way down, looking for Dr. Bryce to ask what to do. You didn’t find him, but instead found Kevin. He told you that today you were on cleaning duty. So he showed you where the cleaning supplies were, and what you could focus on. This time around you did get to see the rec room. There was a big TV, and a game console connected to it. At the moment Changmin and Chanhee were playing games. They didn’t seem to hear you come in, so you just kept on with cleaning. 

    There was also a shelf with board games, a pool table that doubled as air hockey, foosball, a handful of bean bag chairs, and there were three computers as well. That’s when you realized none of the boys had a phone, making you wonder if you ever had one, and if maybe it was lost somewhere. At one point Changmin had noticed you in the room, reminding you to give him back his clothes after you washed them. You told him you would, and again thanked him for letting you borrow them. He made no comment about that and continued with his game. It was only day two, and you were very much a stranger to them, even yourself. So their cold demeanor made sense to you, all you could do was hope to change it.

    As the days went on you learned more about the house, getting snippets from the boys from time to time. You learned that Sangyeon had been there the longest, and Eric had been the newest member until you showed up. You also got some information about the group home. Once upon a time the building had been a proper orphanage, but was abandoned when a new one was built closer to town. Dr. Bryce had bought the land a few years back, remodeling it a decent amount to turn it into the group home it was today. He didn’t get much funding from the town, considering who he intended to house here. Which did explain why the place didn’t look so nice, but Dr. Bryce was still working on it, getting help from his residents now too. Even with all that you still had questions, and that got the better of you one day.

“So, why are you here?”

    You didn’t really mean to ask that out loud. This was a place for troublemakers, so surely they had all done something pretty bad to be sent here. You expected Sunwoo to yell at you or something, but you caught a glimpse of his uneasiness instead. Before you got a change to apologize he was in your face with questions of his own.

“What about you? How long are you gonna say you have amnesia? What did you do that made you run away from home and pretend you don’t know anything?”

“I… I’m not lying…”

“You expect me to believe that?”

“Of course not. Whether you believe me or not doesn’t change the fact that I don’t know anything about myself besides my name, and that terrifies me. As far as I’m concerned, I have nowhere to go back to… but I feel like I’m supposed to be here…”

Sunwoo laughed. “Alright, whatever helps you sleep at night princess.”

    The only difficult thing was getting used to all the chores. The three groups rotated between kitchen duty, cooking and cleaning, house duty, sweeping, mopping, laundry and maintaining the facilities, and outdoor maintenance, watering the garden and taking care of the yard. Of course everyone was responsible for their own rooms, and no one went into the doctor’s office unless they were scheduled for a session. You were nearing a week and had yet to sit down and talk with Dr. Bryce, one on one, so that did make you a bit nervous, but you weren’t gonna bring it up. He would ask during meals about how you were doing and settling in. For the most part it was fine, although the boys only talked with you out of necessity. You didn’t mention that of course.

    The routine of everything was a good comfort, but you felt very lonely despite all the ruckus in the house. Being the only girl around was difficult, but at least they weren’t just a bunch of horny teenage boys harassing you twenty four seven. One day maybe you’d make a better effort, but you certainly weren’t there yet. At least you never felt tired despite all the work. You did have days off, but you always got a good night’s sleep thanks to Doc. You didn’t think there would ever be a problem there until the one time you woke up in the middle of the night. You hadn’t had a nightmare, but you certainly felt very disoriented. It was probably bound to happen at some point, so you didn’t worry about it.

    You got out of bed, quietly making your way downstairs to get yourself a glass of water. It was kinda weird to be around the house when it was so dark and quiet, but you had nothing to fear. Then again if one of the other boys was awake you were certain they’d try to scare you, so you put yourself on alert. You washed your glass and placed it on the drying rack, making your way back upstairs when you stopped. You swear you heard something, so you looked around, calling out to whoever was there, but you got no response. You told yourself you were just imagining things, and then you heard it again, loud and clear this time. A roar. You told yourself you didn’t hear anything, but a third time was hard to ignore.

    You rushed upstairs and went into the room of the first boy you could find. You were freaking out, and you needed to know whether you were imagining things. Although when you came into the room you found it empty. The sheets were all ruffled up, so someone had definitely been sleeping there earlier. You figured they had gotten up so you went to the next room, but it was also empty. So you went on to the next, and the next, but the result was the same. You soon realized that you were all alone in the house. Maybe they were playing some elaborate prank, but that didn’t change the fact you were scared, and you had heard that roar again. You knew Dr. Bryce lived outside the main house, so you all had a better sense of calling this place, but you desperately wished that wasn’t the case.

    You couldn’t bring yourself to go outside, so instead you rushed back to your room and hid under the covers. This was all probably just a bad dream, and when the morning alarm went off, everything would be back to normal. You were trembling, and would occasionally hear that roar, but somehow you must have fallen asleep. Just as you wished, in the blink of an eye the morning alarm was blaring and you shot up. You rushed out the door, seeing the other boys going about their morning routines, and you were so relieved to see them all. You had a dumb smile on your face, but no one seemed to notice cause they were all happy themselves. You didn’t know why until you were at the table.

“Alright. You all get your usual allowance, and you know to be back before six pm, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, we know.” Juyeon assured. “You think we’d fuck this up?”

“What… what’s going on?” You nervously asked. 

“Every other Sunday I give the boys some pocket money and let them go into town by themselves.” Dr. Bryce explained. “The same applies to you as well. You can keep the money for yourself, and save up, or spend it as you please. It’s none of my business.”

“Oh… that’s nice of you…”

    After breakfast all the boys rushed upstairs to get their things, leaving the table a mess. You were gonna start cleaning again but Dr. Bryce told you on these Sundays he did the cooking and cleaning, so you didn’t need to worry about anything. It was a day off for everyone in the house. The idea of going into town to explore sounded nice, but you knew you’d be all alone, so it was better you stayed and not got lost. Besides, you’d have the house to yourself, which meant you’d be free to do whatever you wanted. You saw that all the boys were gathered by the front door, getting their envelopes and counting the money they had. You were given one too, and thanked Dr. Bryce for it.

“Sangyeon, being the eldest here, you know the rules best. Keep them out of trouble, and be back before six, no excuses.”

“I got it Doc.”

“Then you’re free to go. Enjoy your day.”

    The boys cheered and were quickly out the door. In a flash it was just you and Dr. Bryce, but he made no comment on the fact you were still there. You appreciated that, it was your day off after all, and you could spend it however you like. You intended to head up to your room when the front door opened again.

“Do you wanna come with?”

    Younghoon had poked his head back into the house, not even looking at you, but waiting for an answer. By his tone of voice you knew he was just asking cause he probably had to, but the question was genuine. You glanced over at Dr. Bryce and he nodded his head. You were still nervous, but going out with them could be very beneficial.

“Sure.”

“Then let’s go slowpoke.”

    You let your smile shine, but quickly toned it down and followed Younghoon outside, catching up with the rest of the crowd. The town was a ways away from the house, and you obviously weren’t going to drive there. You thought maybe there would be a long walk, but instead you saw the boys with bicycles, there were seven in total.

“Can you ride a bike?” Kevin asked. 

“Uh… I don’t know.”

“Just ride with someone.” Juyeon said. “We’re burning daylight.”

    Younghoon grabbed your arm, bringing you over to Eric. He had you step onto the pegs on the back wheel, telling you to hold onto Eric’s shoulders, and not to move around so much. This didn’t strike up any memories, but some anxiety instead. You told yourself to calm down, not wanting to ruin this. Once everyone was situated Eric told you to hold on, and then you were on the move. It was scary at first, but once you got used to the motion you could relax, enjoying the wind in your face and the feeling of being with the boys. You might have been a pity invite, but you were still happy to be here. 

    When you got into town, you parked the bikes on a bike rack, chaining them up and locking them down with combination locks. There were plenty of hours ahead, but of course they would take the lead. You happily followed them around, sticking close for fear of getting lost. At one point there was a bit of a split off, but you stayed with Younghoon. You didn’t say anything, and they didn’t really engage in conversation with you, but you did notice that on occasion they would glance your way, making sure you were still around. They’d surely be in big trouble if they lost you, but you appreciated the little bits of acknowledgement they gave you.

    As you walked around you got to experience the town with a new perspective. You weren’t just some lost kid, but someone out to have fun and wanting to see what the town had to offer. You went into candy shops, getting yourself some treats, joining the boys for burgers and shakes at a diner, maybe causing too much of a ruckus that you were kicked out after paying the bill. It was fun, and you were enjoying yourself, laughing along with them as part of the group. You got to see what they were like outside the house too, getting a better idea as to who they were, seeing that they all got along even if they spit venom and glared daggers at each other. They were certainly a group of misfits.

    After lunch you gathered at a park, having some drinks and snacks, simply enjoying the nice weather. There was a bit of chatter but for the most part it was peaceful, that is until you were approached by some unwanted company. A group of boys gathered around, and by the faces your boys were making, you could tell there was some familiarity, and it wasn’t a good thing. Your boys got up, picking up all their things, and intending to leave without a word. Clearly these other guys had killed the mood, but they weren’t just going to let you all leave so easily. They got in your way, smirks on their faces.

“If it isn’t the forsaken bunch.” One commented. “Haven’t we told you to stay out of our park?”

    None of your boys answered. It seemed they didn’t want to engage with them. You all tried to go around, but every step was mimicked by the others.

“Where you going though? Not like you have a mommy and daddy waiting for you.” There were snickers from their crowd. “They kicked you out ages ago.”

“Sucks to know your own parents don’t want you.” Another said.

“What y’all do again? Runaway from home after a good spanking? Attempt to rob a bank?” The boy speaking glanced at you. “Tried to fuck some bitch out of your league?”

    You didn’t realize that last comment seemed to get a rise out of them, and before they could say or do anything you were already on it.

“Oh fuck off.” You stated, stepping up to them. “You’re just jealous.”

“So the bitch speaks!” He chuckled. “What’s there to be jealous of, sweetheart?”

“That they have the freedom you can only have wet dreams about.”

“I’m sorry, what? Freedom? Mommy and daddy abandoned them and left them to be the government’s problem. How is that freedom?”

“They can take care of themselves, and survive on their own. Meanwhile you still gotta cry to mommy to wash your favorite shirt and make you a grilled cheese cause you can’t do anything yourself. Or whine to daddy that your brand new bike got busted cause of your stupidity.”

“At least I still have a mommy and daddy to cry to, little girl.”

“Yeah, and the crushing weight of their expectations. Be a good boy, do your homework and study hard, go to Uni, and find a nice girl. Get married and have five kids and raise them to be good boys and girls just like you. Any misstep in that plan and well, you might get kicked out of the house and disowned. Doesn’t that scare you? That mommy and daddy don’t love you, but love what they want you to be.”

“The fuck-”

“I answer to no one! I can be whatever the fuck I want to be and I don’t need anyone’s fucken approval!”

“Yeah you’re just gonna turn into some hooker sucking dick for twenty bucks a pop.” Another boy spat at you. “These guys are your first customers, aren’t they?”

“Awe, someone still hasn’t popped their cherry, have they?” You looked them all up and down. “You’re all just a bunch of immature tiny dick virgins. Which is really sad considering you’re pretty much done with puberty, and done growing. I guess mommy and daddy aren’t gonna get that nice daughter in-law or grandkids.”

“Shut up you whore!”

“Yeah, that’s all your insults can come down to, slut-shaming me. Really unoriginal.”

“That’s it, come here bitch! I’ll show you what a real man can do!”

“But all I see are five little boys before me?” You giggled. “Momma would hate to see you hurt.”

    You were more than ready to fight, even though as far as you knew, you’ve never thrown a punch in your life. Although before anything could happen Sangyeon easily swept you off your feet and threw you over his shoulder. The others quickly surrounded him, keeping him and you from the others.

“That’s enough.” Sangyeon stated. “We aren’t here to cause trouble.”

“You better keep your bitch under control!”

“She isn’t my bitch, but I could surely turn you into one. Don’t forget you’re outnumbered here, and if you cause trouble with us, guess where you’re gonna end up? I assure you we have plenty of open rooms for you.”

“Just get the fuck out of here, and take that psycho with you!”

    Sangyeon took a few steps back before turning around. The others followed moments after. You had been quiet at first, honestly quiet surprised by Sangyeon’s speed and strength. Now that you had your bearings, you managed to lift your upper body up and look back at the boys. You stuck your tongue out at them, giving them the finger too.

“Bitch! Just run off with your little boys!”

“They’re more man than you’ll ever be! You tiny dick-”

“Shut up.” Sangyeon hissed at you.

    Your boys were biting their lips to contain their laughter, having been watching you scream back at the delinquents until Sangyeon told you to be quiet. You still held out the finger until those assholes were out of sight. From there you let your body drop, your back hurting from holding yourself up like that. You figured Sangyeon would put you down once they were gone, but he did no such thing until you were back at your bikes. You dusted yourself off once you were back on the ground, doing a bit of stretches too.

“Are you alright?” Sangyeon asked.

“Yeah. Fine. What about-”

“You can’t be going around and starting fights. In case you forgot we’re still labeled as troubled youths and have things from our past to make up for. I get that doesn’t apply to you here, but you’re with us now. Any shit you start reflexes onto us.”

“They were being assholes! You guys aren’t beneath them just cause your parents abandoned you or whatever! It’s not right for-”

“What did I just say?”

You sighed. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to start trouble, I just-”

“Ah.”

“But-”

“AH.”

“Sorry… it won’t happen again…” You lowered your head “… that is if you want me to come back out with you next time…”

“You know…” Sangyeon put a hand on your shoulder. “You’re alright, y/n.”

“What?”

“Your actions are appreciated, but we gotta be better than them.”

“Didn’t know you had such a mouth on you.” Chanhee commented. “Caught me by surprise.”

“Same,”Changmin added. “I thought we lost y/n for a second and found someone new.” 

“We’re not telling Doc anything about this.” Sangyeon spoke. “Understood?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“We know.”

    It was nearing six, so you all had to head back. This time Sangyeon had you ride with him. The air was cooler by then, and the sun was on its way down. It was a beautiful view, just like before, but the atmosphere had changed. You weren’t just quietly tagging along anymore, feeling more like these guys were your friends. On the ride back home some would glance your way, laughing as they remembered your fierce stance, repeating your words with genuine smiles on their face. For the first time since you met them all, you felt like you belonged.

“Alright, everybody shut the fuck up and calm down.” Sangyeon reminded. “We’ll all end up grounded if Doc finds out.”

“What happens if we get grounded?” You asked. 

“You don’t want to know.”

    As you entered the house Sangyeon called out to inform Dr. Bryce that you had all returned in one piece. Then the sweet smell of food, and you all rushed over to the dining room. Dinner was nearly set, and you were all quite hungry after such an exciting day out. You spoke about your day, and what you did. Even if you hadn’t really participated much during the outing, Dr. Bryce could tell things had gone well as you were visibly more comfortable around them. You were all smiles and giggles, asking to pass plates and offering food to others. Although all the good energy didn’t change the fact you still had a curfew and it was about time you all got ready for bed. You asked Dr. Bryce if he wanted any help cleaning up but he told you to see your day off to the end.

    You took a shower, still a giddy mess from the day, you all were, but it was time for you all to wind down. You took your medication, sneaking knowing glances around Dr. Bryce, before heading off to bed. You laid down with a smile on your face, seriously trying to calm yourself down. You hoped for sweet dreams where you could see what happened today to the end, but you were already content as is. Tomorrow was a new day, and everything was going to be different. Even though you were so full of excitement the medicine was starting to kick and you slowly drifted off to sleep. You couldn’t wait until morning.

🖤

    You could feel a smile on your face as you started to regain consciousness. The memories of the day before at the forefront of your mind. You slowly opened your eyes, your vision a blur, but something was different. The usual dull ceiling wasn’t present, but instead you started to make out the lights above you, and the slight shake the whole world had. You were starting to regain your senses, feeling that you weren’t on your bed anymore, but something more sturdy. Lazily you moved your head to the side, seeing that you weren’t alone. There was someone laying on what you believed to be a gurney, and they were unconscious. Despite the disorientation you tried to focus, wanting to make out the figure before you. It took a bit of effort, but you could eventually make out some facial features. Although the first thing that stood out to you were the black veins on their neck that spread up to the side of their face.

“Ju… Juyeon…”

“What the fuck!”

    You had no idea there were others where you were. At most you could make out three. Once you spoke there was quickly a hand covering your mouth, and another over your eyes.

“How the fuck is she awake?!”

“How the hell should I know!?”

“What do we do? This… this has never happened before, has it?”

“If it had I’m pretty sure we’d have protocol for it!”

“The fuck do we do!!!”

“I don’t know! Don’t ask me!”

“We have to do something!”

“Does anyone have a sedative or something?”

“Why would we have that?”

“We need to put her under again!”

“Then choke her out!”

“If she’s marked up the doctor is going to be pissed! We could wind up dead!”

“Then what’s your brilliant plan?”

“Just make her pass out.”

“How?!”

“Just… just hold her still…”

    You had no idea what was going on. You barely managed the words you said, and your vision certainly wasn’t working either. You were also half conscious here. The voices weren’t entirely clear either, only making out every few words. You tried to focus your mind, but then a third hand pinched your nose. It didn’t register what was going on until you found yourself unable to breath. You felt panic, but you had no strength. You were trapped inside your own body, screaming for air, screaming for help, but no one could hear you. Even though you were already in darkness, you felt yourself slowly sinking deeper into oblivion.

🖤

    Your eyes shot open when you heard the morning alarm go off. You bolted up in bed, breathing heavily. Although your clarity was soon clouded, and you grabbed your head. There was something bothering you, and it was on the tip of your tongue. You feared you’d lose it, so focused on it that you didn’t hear a knock at your door. Or realize that someone had entered your room.

“Y/n, you gotta get up.”

    The voice startled you, but when your eyes met Juyeon it all came rushing in. You jumped out of bed and ran over to hug him tight. He was caught off guard by your actions, standing still before slowly wrapping his arms around you.

“Are… are you okay?”

    You pulled away and grabbed Juyeon’s face, looking him over in a panic, but there were no black veins. You even tugged his collar down a bit to check his chest. He only allowed that for a bit before he pulled your hand off his shirt.

“You’re okay…” You mumbled. “… it was just a dream…”

“Yeah. I’m okay, y/n. Are you?”

“Huh? Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I just thought… it’s nothing…”

“Okay. Just get dressed, and eat a lot. Your group is doing yard work today.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

“See you at breakfast.”

    You were still thinking over your dream. You had confirmed yourself that Juyeon was alright, but something still felt off. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, and it was taking up all your attention. Despite last night’s dinner, you seemed to be back to your quiet and reserved self which wasn’t going to go unnoticed anymore.

“Y/n, are you okay?”

“Huh?”

    You snapped out of your head to find everyone staring at you. It was so easy to forget you weren’t a fly on the wall anymore.

“Sorry… did you say something?”

“Did you sleep alright?” Dr. Bryce asked. “You don’t seem to be here.”

“Just got a lot on my mind.”

“I see. Well, it is about time you and I talked. Please come to my office after breakfast.”

“Alright. I look forward to our… chat…”

    The atmosphere perked up a bit, but it was still early in the morning so exhaustion prevailed. After eating you freshened up a bit before going over to the office. You knocked and waited for Dr. Bryce to open the door and invite you in. This was the first time you got to see his office, taking it all in. He had a desk, and plenty of books filing the shelves. There were also a handful of places to sit down, allowing for you to be comfortable wherever you liked.

“Have a seat.”

    You simply sat down on the couch in the center of the room, trying not to seem so nervous. Dr. Bryce grabbed a pen and clipboard, sitting across from you. He started off by asking you how you were settling in, it was barely over a week for you. Everything had been going well, and you were really starting to get along with your housemates too. Although you had yet to regain any of your memories. It was difficult, but you admitted to the doctor that you had this feeling that you were supposed to be here.

“I see. That feeling could be very important here.”

“So what do I do?”

“I wanted you to be comfortable first before I brought this up. I am a licensed hypnotherapist, and was wondering if you’d want to try hypnosis. See if we could dig deeper into your subconscious for answers.”

“Does that work?”

“In all honesty, it doesn’t work for everyone, but there is no danger in trying. I will be guiding you, and the second you want to stop I can pull you out.”

“Hm…”

“This is just a suggestion, you don’t have to do this.”

“But I haven’t made any progress at all… I’d like to try.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

    You didn’t have much you could do about your situation, and if hypnosis had the possibility of helping you, then you had to try. Dr. Bryce had you lay down, wanting you to be comfortable. He guided you through some breathing exercises so you could relax, and then he let you know he would begin. All you had to do was listen to his voice. So that’s what you did, envisioning what he asked of you. The same place you created was the house, and in your means of going deeper, you had to step outside, going through the front door.

    Suddenly you were somewhere far away, surrounded by white. Everything was so bright, and it kinda looked like you were inside a cloud. You described your surroundings to the doctor, having many questions that he couldn’t answer. You thought you were alone until you started to hear voices, and more prominently, laughter. Dr. Bryce suggested you follow the voices, seeing where or to who they led you, so you did. You took one step after the other, although the laughter got louder, and then you were falling. The bright white faded away and you were falling into an endless void. You screamed for help, completely terrified and trapped. The doctor got you to focus on them and counted down to bring you back to reality.

    When your eyes opened you jumped, falling off the couch. You were visibly shaking, taking in deep breaths. Dr. Bryce came over to your side and helped you sit back up. You had no idea what any of that meant, but you didn’t want to do it again. The doctor wrapped you up in a blanket and told you to stay put. They were going to get you some tea to help you calm your nerves. Before going they assured you that you were safe, and that none of that was real. You nodded your head, continuing with your deep breaths in an effort to calm yourself down. You heard the doctor step out, feeling like an eternity would pass before their return, and because of that you weren’t aware of the sneaky one peeking into the room.

    Everyone had sessions with Dr. Bryce, even going under on occasion, but none of them had ever screamed before. So when you did, those in the house were immediately concerned. Haknyeon was the closest to the office at the time, peeking around the corner just as Dr. Bryce stepped out of the office. To his surprise the door had been left ajar, and Haknyeon couldn’t help himself. He carefully made his way over, gently pushing the door open a bit more to peek inside. His eyes landed on you, seeing you wrapped up in a blanket and trembling, sniffling and wiping away tears as well. He had questions, and he wanted to go in to ask and maybe try to comfort you, but if he was caught the consequences would be severe.

    He quickly hurried off before Dr. Bryce returned, going back to his corner and watching. Once the door was closed, and locked, he snuck over again, carefully trying to listen in. He was sure the others would do the same, although their own sessions were never that interesting. Nothing serious was discussed anymore, it was just Dr. Bryce trying to help you calm down. Although he did tell you that you’d be excused from your chores for the day, and should head to your room to rest. You didn’t argue with that, and when Haknyeon heard footsteps he scurried off. From his corner he watched you head upstairs, not trembling like before, but still unsteady. Soon enough he was going around the house, informing the others about what had happened, and reminding them not to let Dr. Bryce find out that they knew anything. Doctor patient confidentiality was very important. Although as they all showered together all bets were off.

“I thought I hallucinated that scream.” Younghoon said. “Never thought I’d hear that here.”

“I was already worried when I saw Doc outside.” Kevin added. “I had no idea that’s what happened. I mean, we all tend to get a pass on chores when we have a session.”

“Did she go back to sleep?” Sunwoo asked.

“I don’t know if she could manage it.” Haknyeon admitted. “Hypnosis is kinda like going to sleep.”

“What about tonight then?” Eric questioned. “She’s not gonna want to take those sleeping pills.”

“She has to.” Sangyeon stated. “Doc has never given us a pass on that shit. It would be kinda bullshit if she got a pass.”

“But she’s scared.” Hyunjae reminded. “You don’t scream like that if you’re having fun.”

“We’re not in charge of her, or her treatment. Doc knows what’s best, and that’s what he’s going to do.”

    Sangyeon was the first out of the shower. Although when it came time for their medication he found some of the others gathered outside your room. He made his way over and shoved some aside to peek in.

“Why two?”

“I understand today was difficult, but you need to rest. The stress of not sleeping isn’t good for your health.”

“…”

“Y/n, please.”

“What if I end up there…”

“You won’t. This medication will make sure you don’t dream. You’ll be alright.”

    You nodded your head and took the pills, chugging down the water. Dr. Bryce gave you a smile and helped you get tucked in. When he looked back to see the boys gathered they all quickly scattered, acting like nothing had happened. The doctor made no comment and just made sure all the others took their medication. You were certainly scared to close your eyes, but you couldn’t stop the exhaustion that was creeping up. No matter how hard you felt like your heart was pounding, you still wound up falling asleep.

🖤

    The morning alarm wasn’t something you could get used to. It was supposed to wake you up, but you could at least grow accustomed to the sound and not get so freaked out in the morning. The boys were up and about like always, shuffling around, although Hyunjae was soon to notice you weren’t around. He went over to your room and knocked, a few others also realizing they hadn’t seen you yet. Hyunjae knocked again before letting himself in. He cautiously entered, not wanting to find you indecently exposed, but soon enough he saw you were still in bed, tossing and turning around.

“Y/n!”

    He rushed to your bed side, seeing that you were burning up with a fever and sweating profusely. You were clearly still sleeping, and caught in a nightmare by your movements and whimpers. He tried to wake you, attracting attention from others.

“What’s wrong?!”

“Go get Doc!” Hyunjae yelled. “I think she has a fever.”

    Hyunjae’s yelling was heard by others, moments later Jacob came in with a rag and bowl of water, starting to dab at your head.

“Y/n, can you hear us? You gotta wake up.”

    Jacob tried to gently shake you, resulting in you screaming and startling them all. From there though you seemed to calm down, slowly opening your eyes, your breath heavy and uneven. You blinked a few times as you tried to clear up your vision, seeing a lot of blurry people in your room.

“Uh… what…”

“Sh, sh, it’s okay.” Hyunjae cooed. “You’re okay.”

“Hm…” 

“No, no, hey, hey, stay awake. Doc needs to look you over.”

“What are you all doing in here?” Dr. Bryce questioned. “Give her some space. Jacob, can you open the window a bit.”

“Yeah.”

     You were vaguely aware as Dr. Bryce examined you, checking to confirm you had a fever, and other ailments.

“Hyunjae, help me get her up for a moment.” The two had you sit up, and the motion kind of made you dizzy. “Y/n, I need you to take some medicine for me, alright? Then you can go back to sleep.”

    You nodded your head, barely awake as is. You had help getting the medicine in your mouth, and someone tipped a glass of water against your lips. You spilled a bit but that was alright. They laid you back down and tucked you in.

“Hyunjae, can you stay with her? If she doesn’t get better in the next hour please let me know.”

“Will do.”

“Who’s on kitchen duty today?”

“My team.” Younghoon said.

“Can you guys prepare something soft and warm for her to eat. She’ll need food in her stomach and not just medicine.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

“Alright, now everybody out. I don’t need all of us getting sick.”

    Hyunjae stayed with you as he was asked, gently cleaning you up with the rag. You did seem to be getting better, which was a relief. A while later some soup was brought over. He did feel a bit bad because he had to wake you, but it was important you ate. You weren’t so out of this time around, able to get up with some minor help. Although you couldn’t really hold the spoon so Hyunjae fed you.

“Thanks for… looking out of me… and sorry…”

“You have nothing to apologize for, if anything I got out of chores today.” Hyunjae chuckled. “Besides, we’re all worried. Any of us would have stayed with you.”

“See, I made you worry…”

“This is probably our fault anyway. We took you out into town with us but we didn’t pay so much attention to what you were doing.”

“It’s okay. I’d do it all again given the outcome. It was really fun to hang out with you all.”

“I really should apologize, all of us should, for being so cold to you when you first arrived.”

“I don’t blame you. I was new, and different from you in practically every way. Besides, you guys already had your dynamics and stuff. It wouldn’t be easy to accept someone new anyway.”

“Still.”

“I’m not gonna hold anything against you.”

“Thanks.” Hyunjae took a moment. “How’s your amnesia?”

“I haven’t remembered anything. It’s been a while now but I got nothing… it scares me, but at least I’ve made some friends so I have more than before.”

    After you ate Dr. Bryce came in to check on you, glad to see you were better. He had Hyunjae step away, saying he needed to eat as well. Chanhee took over his watch, staying with you as you went back to sleep. You spent the day in bed, just waking up to eat and take medicine. When curfew came around the others came to see you, and you assured them that you were feeling much better. You took your usual medicine, plus the sleeping pill, resting calmly throughout the night. In the morning you woke to the alarm.

    Your body didn’t feel as rigged as yesterday, so you figured you could get out of bed. It was a bit of a struggle, but Kevin ended up coming into your room and offering to help you out. You went about your morning routine, and insisted on going down to the dining table for breakfast. Kevin and Sangyeon helped you down the steps and to the table. Although when Dr. Bryce saw you, he seemed surprised you were out of bed. You assured him you felt much better. He could see that, but said you should still rest, so you were excused from your chores. You said you could still help but he countered you shouldn’t over exert yourself. It was better you made a full recovery first. You reluctantly agree.

    After breakfast you joined a few in the rec room. You didn’t really feel up for games, but you’d enjoy the company. Some hours later you did start feeling tired, letting them know you were going to go to bed. They insisted on taking you, but you assured them you felt well enough to go yourself. It was a bit of a struggle on the stairs, but it was better than the morning. You thought you’d be alone, but as you walked to your room you could hear noises. They were coming from one of the bathrooms. You went over and knocked, but got no response. The door was locked, and you continued to knock and ask who was in there. You were thinking of letting it go when you suddenly heard a bunch of water spill onto the floor.

    Now you were scared, frantically knocking and trying to get the door opened. Somehow you managed to get it open, seeing the bathtub completely filled and Sangyeon in it, completely under water. Although what caught your attention was the blood, and you quickly rushed over to pull him out. Somehow you managed the strength to get him out of the tub. You felt some type of injury on his head, seeing blood. You screamed for help, trying to get Sangyeon to wake up. He groaned, coughing up a bit of water and slowly coming to. It took a second for him to realize you were holding him. You were relieved to see he was alive, although he was very confused about what was going on. Before he could ask you suddenly passed out. 

    He quickly caught you before you hit the ground. He tried to wake you, but you were unresponsive. Suddenly he began to hear footsteps and shouting approaching. Sangyeon looked around, noticing blood in the water. He quickly reached over to drain the tub, knowing this whole thing was already going to get him in trouble. Soon enough others came upon the scene, asking what happened. Sangyeon said you had found him and helped him out before passing out. They got some towels to help dry you off, getting you back to your room. Despite everyone being okay, they had to tell Dr. Bryce about this just to make sure you were alright.

“Hm…”

    When you woke up you found yourself in your room, although you didn’t remember making it. Then you realized you were wet and wrapped up in towels. You weren’t alone either, your movements alerting the others you were awake.

“What… what happened…”

“I told you not to over exert yourself.” Dr. Bryce reminded. “Seems you did.”

“Oh sorry…”

“You’re alright, which is what matters.”

“What… what about Sangyeon?”

“He’s fine as well.”

“Where is he?”

“Grounded. Just get some rest.”

“Okay.”

    Dr. Bryce left, but some of the others that had been around stayed. You did ask them what had happened to Sangyeon, being told his punishment was kitchen duty all by himself. He’d have to cook and clean lunch all alone, and also still follow the curfew rule. On top of all that he would be sleeping in the doctor’s spare room that night. You thought it was unfair, but the others told you Sangyeon had a tendency to submerge himself in the tub. Usually the doctor wouldn’t do anything, just schedule a session, but his actions this time put you in danger, so he had to be grounded for that. Even though you should have been resting, you wanted to make sure that Sangyeon was okay. So when you had the chance you snuck downstairs and made your way to the kitchen. He seemed busy and focused, but not entirely oblivious.

“You should be in bed.”

“I… I just…”

“You’re also not allowed to help me.”

“Yeah, but-”

“Go before you get in trouble. Just cause you’re sick doesn’t mean you’ll get a pass on being grounded. He’s gotta stick to his own rules.”

“You shouldn’t be grounded over what happened though.”

“You got hurt cause of me.”

“I didn’t get hurt. I’m fine.”

“Spontaneously passing out isn’t fine.”

“I’m fine now.”

“Then go.”

“I just had to make sure you were okay first.” You stepped closer to Sangyeon, watching him work. “When I first came here, you had been submerging yourself in the tub… why do you do that?”

“I just get bored.”

“There’s plenty to do in this house, chores or not. Besides, you were bleeding this time.”

    Without thinking you reached over to his head, not able to find the injury from before. He took your hand and moved it away, taking a breath.

“I have weird dreams every now and then. I don’t remember much of them, but there’s this feeling… like they’re real… and even if I don’t remember what they’re about, it feels like I keep having the same dream…”

“And you’re trying to remember?”

“Memories fade over time, but dreams are practically gone in an instant. I’m trying to go beyond sleep, see if I can remember and retain that information.”

“By drowning yourself?”

“I don’t exactly want Doc prying into my subconscious about this during a session.”

“Still, it’s dangerous.”

“I’m careful.”

“You got hurt.”

“I hit my head on the faucet, but I’m okay thanks to you.”

“There has to be other ways for you to do that. I’ve had weird dreams too, but I’m not doing dangerous things to try and remember.”

“You’ve had weird dreams? What were they about?”

“I don’t know… the details are still fuzzy… but I was somewhere, and I noticed Juyeon on a gurney next to me… he had black veins on his neck…”

“What else happened?”

“I don’t really remember. I said something and these other people knocked me out, then I woke up in bed.”

“I see… you should really go before you get caught. Lunch will be ready soon.”

“But-”

“I’m alright, y/n, I promise. Now go.”

“Okay… sorry I got you in trouble.”

“It’s not your fault.”

    You snuck your way back out of the kitchen, leaving Sangyeon with his thoughts. Now he had a lot on his mind, but he needed to finish the task at hand. He set the table, quietly eating in the kitchen alone as part of his punishment. By the time he finished cleaning up with lunch he had to get started on dinner, trying to go with something simple and filling so there wouldn’t be too many dishes to clean. In the end he managed well with plenty of time before curfew. As part of his punishment he was supposed to shower alone, but he needed to talk to Eric. So he snuck his way into the communal shower, startling the boy he was looking for.

“The fuck are you doing here!”

“Easy. I have a question. Do you still remember that dream you had about seeing Sunwoo with black veins on his face?”

“What? Yeah, vaguely, shit was weird. Why?”

“Hm…”

“Why?”

“Y/n had a similar dream, seeing Juyeon with black veins.”

“What the hell did I do?” Juyeon questioned. “Oh wait, that explains why she suddenly hugged me and looked me over that one time…”

“Have you ever had a similar dream?” Sangyeon asked Eric. “Or something else weird.”

“I always have weird dreams, but nothing I can really remember.”

“It’s weird they had similar dreams.” Younghoon commented. “Why even have such a dream?”

“I don’t know, just wanted to check. Don’t tell y/n or Doc about this. I gotta go.”

“Yeah, yeah, see you tomorrow.”

“Night.”

🖤

“Y/n, you have a session with me this morning.”

“Oh… okay… where’s Sangyeon though?”

“He’ll return after lunch.”

“Okay.”

    It was certainly weird to be down one person. Although now you understood why getting grounded sucked. After breakfast you went to Dr. Bryce’s office. He asked how you were feeling, and you said you were doing much better, probably better than before you got sick. He was happy to hear. Soon the conversation shifted over to your sleep, asking if you had been resting well, and if any weird dreams had been plaguing you. For the most part you didn’t dream of anything, and if you did, there was only a feeling of confusion that lingered. Of course all that eventually led to one thing.

“Do you think you’d like to try hypnosis again?”

“I… uh…”

“We’d definitely take a different approach this time, but it is still your choice.”

“I… I think we can try it again…”

    You followed the process like before, listening to his voice and creating your safe space. Instead of going out the front door and into the unknown, he thought maybe to focus on your dreams instead. They could be meaningless things to be interpreted, or perhaps memories of your past. So you went upstairs to your bedroom. There was nothing but darkness when you opened the door. You were hesitant to go in, but the doctor assured you that he was with you and would get you out when you wanted to. You closed your eyes and stepped into the darkness, feeling it embrace you.

    When you opened your eyes you found a light starting down at you, but not just any random light. You looked over and saw Juyeon on the gurney, unconscious with black veins decorating his face. You called out to him, but he didn’t move. The doctor had you describe this to him. You admitted you didn’t like it and wanted out, but he asked you why you would dream of such a thing. You were panicking, saying you didn’t know, he wasn’t a monster or anything, but you wanted out. Instead he asked you to think of a reason.

“I don’t know… I’m scared… please… I don’t want to lose anyone… please get me out….”

“You’re scared of losing him?”

“I don’t have anything… just them… if something happened… I’d be alone… doctor I’ve had enough, please get me out…”

“That’s good progress. We should continue.”

“No, no, no, I’m done.”

“What other dreams have you had?”

    You closed your eyes for a moment in the dream, trying to wake yourself up, but you couldn’t do that. Instead you found yourself somewhere else. You were tied down to a table, nothing but darkness around, you were completely alone. For a moment you thought this was less horrifying until you felt a burning pain in your arm. You screamed in agony, feeling that pain slowly spreading. Somehow you managed to glance down at your arms, seeing black veins practically popping out of your skin.

“Get me out! Please!”

    The boys never wanted to be nosy, but it was quite hard to deny your screams. Soon enough they were gathered up outside the office, and from what they could tell things weren’t getting better. They didn’t bother trying to knock, instead working together to kick the door in. Of course hearing you scream was bad enough, but seeing you in pain and trying to wake yourself up made it worse.

“What are you boys doing! Get out!”

“Wake her up!” Haknyeon yelled. “Now!”

“You should not be interfering with a session like this.”

“More like torture!”

    Jacob had gone over to you, trying to comfort you despite your state. You could barely make out his voice, asking him for help.

“You need to leave.”

“Wake her up!” Juyeon grabbed the doctor. “Now!”

“Alright! Alright, y/n, I’m going to count you down from three and you’re going to wake up. 3, 2, 1.”

    You shot up and immediately hugged Jacob, crying into his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around you, rubbing your back and gently rocking you, telling you everything was okay now. You were still shaking, but you didn’t let him go.

“Let’s get you some fresh air.”

     Without making you lose your hold, Jacob managed to pick you up in his arms, having you wrap your legs around his waist, holding you up by your thighs. He took you out into the garden, going over to the gazebo. He sat you down but you refused to let him go, so he maneuvered around so he could sit down and had you in his lap. Your shaking wasn’t as bad anymore, so he was glad for that.

“Thank… thank you…”

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t know…”

    Those who were around came over, Kevin setting some drinks down on the table. It took a while longer before you could bring yourself to let go of Jacob. Hyunjae offered you a drink, which you took, but your hand was still shaking. Jacob took the glass from you and helped you.

“Thank you… and I’m really sorry… you shouldn’t have caused trouble because of me.”

“We didn’t like hearing you scream.” Eric said. “We weren’t just going to leave you there.”

“Doc has had his stern moments.” Juyeon admitted. “But I never thought he’d do something like that.”

“He was just trying to help…” You mumbled. “I was just scared…”

“You were in pain.” Kevin corrected. “Surely there are other ways to help you recover your memories without hurting you.”

“Still…”

“We’ll be fine.”

    Dr. Bryce didn’t go over what had happened, but he did punish the offending parties. They each took on a certain chore for the day, and were forbidden from going out next Sunday. They were fine with their punishment, but you still felt guilty over it. After that things had settled down, but you were certainly prone to more weird dreams. You’d be blinded by white lights, feeling the prick of a needle, machines beeping away, then you started to hear that roar again.

    You woke in a cold sweat that morning, deciding to take a quick shower to help clear your mind. All the boys knew what happened with you and Dr. Bryce last time, so there was certainly ongoing tension with everyone. No disrespect, but things were awkward at times. It made you feel guilty, but you did hope you’d all eventually move on. Soon enough it became clear that wouldn’t be the case.

“Y/n, I’d like to see you for a session today.”

“Uh…”

“No.” Younghoon stated. “Not happening.”

“I wasn’t asking-”

“You’re not talking with her again.” Sunwoo added.

“I’d like to hear this from y/n, if you all don’t mind.”

You swallowed nervously. “I… I’m not in much of a mood to talk.”

“Alright. Another time then.”

    You were glad this didn’t lead to anyone getting grounded this time. At least you knew they had your back about this. When your Sunday outing came around, all but those who were grounded were allowed to go. They told you not to worry about them and enjoy yourself. The others certainly did, and made sure to pick up your mood. They also reminded you that their actions weren’t something you should feel responsible for. You knew they were right, but you had certainly shaken things up a lot.

“You haven’t remembered anything?” Changmin asked. “Like at all?”

“No. I think it’s cause nothing around here is really familiar, so it hasn’t triggered any memories for me. This is also my third time being in town.”

“Yeah, you’re just locked up in the house like the rest of us.”

“Let’s go to the police station.” Sangyeon suggested. “We can ask about an update on you. See if there’s been a missing person’s report or something.”

“What if there is…”

“Huh?”

“What if there is an update? And I’m missing…”

“Then you can go back to your family.”

    You had already been struggling to smile that day, considering not everyone was there, but now your smile dropped.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Sunwoo asked.

“Nothing… nothing…”

“We can all tell you’re lying.”

“I’m fine.”

“You haven’t been.” Younghoon sighed. “You think we’re trying to kick you out of the house or something?”

“…”

“Oh, no, that’s not at all what we’re suggesting here.”

“Y/n, you’re not like us.” Sangyeon reminded. “You don’t belong in that house with us. Especially considering what has happened lately. You’re not exactly safe, and there hasn’t been much progress with your memories.”

“I… I know…”

“We all love having you around, but it’s not fair to keep you around when your family is out there looking for you. Besides, maybe there is no news, but we should check either way.”

“You’re right…”

“Come on then. A quick stop and then ice cream regardless of the answer.”

    You went with them to the police station, certainly turning heads as soon as you walked through the door. Sangyeon went up to the counter and grabbed your hand, pulling you to his side. He asked the officer about you, if there was any new information, but the officer only glanced at you and asked who you were. Sangyeon explained you had arrived a few weeks ago, having amnesia. That clicked, but didn’t give them the answers they wanted.

“She’s not our problem.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Sangyeon questioned. “Haven’t you been looking into her case?”

“No. That doctor came in a while after she was picked up, talking to the chief, and saying he would take care of her and deal with everything. I’m assuming he reported her case to another district.”

“The fuck…”

    You were confused, but also upset. No one was actually trying to help you find out who you were. This whole time you’ve been living under the idea that the police were looking into your case, but that was just a lie. Sangyeon stormed out of the station, the others quickly following. He didn’t stop, getting back to the bikes and taking one. The rest scrambled to follow, and you rode with Changmin. Sangyeon got way ahead of the group, and by the time you got back to the house he was already inside and you heard screaming.

“What the hell have you been doing this whole time!”

“Y/n’s case is a very unique situation. It’s not easy-”

“If you’ve been lying about y/n this whole time, what else are you lying about?”

“Sangyeon, this behavior is way out of line.”

“Answer me!”

“You’ve all been acting up as of late, which is not productive at all. Since when have you cared about the situations of others? The focus here is to improve ones self. Perhaps I should remove y/n from the house for a while.”

“Touch her, and you’re dead.”

    When Dr. Bryce suggested moving you out of the house, those closest to you quickly pulled you behind them. You were worried some sort of fight was gonna break out but the doctor let it go. Things had really been getting tense these last few days, and it couldn’t not weigh down on you. The doctor left the house for the time being, and Sangyeon had all the others gather in the rec room. The day was still young, and it was best to explain what happened. You didn’t feel much like talking so Sangyeon explained what happened at the police station. That you hadn’t been reported as missing at all, so no one would even know to look here for you.

“That sounds pretty messed up.” Eric said. “Is the town that shitty?”

“You’ve seen the type of citizens it has.” Sunwoo added. “Not that surprising.”

“Something’s off.” Chanhee commented. “There’s always been something off about this whole place, and things have only gotten worse since y/n came here. I’m not saying any of this is your fault.”

“But it feels that way… you guys got along just fine before me, and now you’re picking fights with the person who looks after you because of me…”

“Did you already forget that last session you had with him?” Kevin questioned. “That was not okay.”

“I’ve been trying to…”

“Uh, right, sorry.”

“What exactly are we doing here?” Hyunjae asked. “Like we got sent here for xyz reasons, but what’s the point? What have we learned or whatever. What are we supposed to do?”

“I don’t know man.” Jacob groaned. “These last few days have just been frustrating.”

“How about we all just sleep on it and figure things out tomorrow.” Sangyeon suggested. “Probably for the best right now.”

    Everyone agreed, although there was still dinner to be had. Dr. Bryce had actually ordered take out for all of you, and after eating you all cleaned up. Things seemed alright until it came time to go to sleep. No one was exactly eager to take their medication, but you decided to do so. You felt like you had caused nothing but problems here, and you weren’t going to make any more. The others followed after you and everyone went to bed. You hoped things would go well tonight, but that was far from the truth.

🖤

    You inhaled sharply, immediately closing your eyes from the light. You immediately knew you weren’t in your room. Even if this was still confusing and terrifying, the repetitiveness was making it easy to bear. You looked around the room, seeing that you were alone. You weren’t in any pain, which was good, but that would change soon enough, which meant you needed to get out of your restraints as soon as possible. You hadn’t had any luck before, but you focused your energy this time. This was your dream, so you had the power to change things as you wanted. To your own surprise you actually manage to free one of your arms, quickly undoing the other restraints and running into the dark.

    You wound up finding a wall, quickly following it until you found something that wasn’t solid. It seemed to be some sort of panel and you pushed against it, some low light flooding your vision. The second you were out in the hall you froze, hearing that terrifying roar. It was so much louder than ever before. You went in the opposite direction of the sound, hoping to find something in order to help you out. Instead you came to a big room, a bunch of what seemed to be medical equipment around. You also weren’t alone anymore and quickly hid behind something, taking everything in. You were looking for an exit when your eyes landed on Eric. 

    He was strapped down to a gurney, being wheeled off somewhere. You caught a glimpse of black veins along his neck as well, starting to get worried. You wished you could do something, but if you got caught surely you’d wind up just like him. You suddenly thought to look yourself over, not finding any black veins on you, which was a relief. So you kept moving, stopping when you saw another one of your friends. From your viewpoint it seemed that Haknyeon was normal, that is until you noticed this person dressed in a white hazard suit holding a needle with some black liquid. You watched as the contents of the needle were emptied out into Haknyeon’s neck. At first nothing happened and then he started screaming and thrashing.

    You wanted nothing more than to wake up. As you were about to move again an alarm started blaring, which meant they were surely looking for you now. Those in the room quickly rushed out. When you felt you were alone you got up, wanting to get to Haknyeon, only to realize Chanhee was passed out on a gurney a few feet away from you. Getting to him seemed like a better idea than a feral Haknyeon. You rushed over to Chanhee and started undoing his restraints, trying to wake him but he was unresponsive. He had black veins as well, and then you noticed the tag on his ear. You looked it over, seeing that the number matched the one on his door, 98. You reached up to your ear, finding a similar one as well with the number 46 on it.

“The hell…”

    You weren’t paying attention and suddenly someone came up from behind you and grabbed you. They threw you onto the floor, intending to pin you down, but Chanhee suddenly came to life and jumped them. As you sat up you caught a glimpse of Chanhee, seeing his eyes were black, and his fingertips were black with matching claws, choking out the person who attacked you. He looked terrifying, and you jumped a bit when his gaze met yours. Before you could stand and run off what you presume were guards entered and started shooting at Chanhee. You couldn’t help but scream, not wanting to see how this all played out. So you got up and ran, going wherever your legs would take you.

    The alarms kept blaring, but for the time being you seemed to be in the clear. You had come into a much bigger, that seemed to have some weird containment pods. You figured there had to be another way to get out of this place, and as you carefully made your way around you began to hear growling. You froze, thinking there was some sort of guard dog, but soon enough you found the source. You carefully made your way over, seeing Sangyeon in one of the containment pods. He was like Chanhee, black eyes, matching veins traveling up his neck. Even without proper eyes you could tell his gaze followed you. He seemed to recognize you.

“Sangyeon… what is all this… what’s going on?”

    Sangyeon continued growling, and when you took a step away it got louder. He didn’t want you to leave. You started looking around, seeing if there was some way of getting him out. As far as you knew there was nothing, and suddenly he roared. It was that roar you had been hearing all along. Your eyes went wide as you realized it was him, stumbling back a few steps. You would have run off if you weren’t grabbed, a needle jabbed into your neck. You could vaguely make out Sangyeon roaring again, bashing his fists against the glass. When you were released you collapsed to the floor, feeling the darkness swallow you up.

🖤

    When the alarm went off you bolted out of your room and to Chanhee’s. He was barely stepping out as you got to him, tackling him to the ground. You frantically looked him over, glad he didn’t actually wear a shirt to bed as you could see he didn’t have any bullet wounds on him.

“Woah, woah, y/n, what are you doing?”

“You’re okay…”

“Yeah, yeah, are you?”

“What’s going on here?”

    Of course your actions hadn’t gone unnoticed, a few others gathering around, and Sangyeon asking what was going on. When you heard his voice you got up and went to him, looking into his eyes. He seemed normal, as did Haknyeon, and Eric.

“Hey, hey,” Sangyeon took your hand and pulled your gaze to him. “What’s up with you?”

“I don’t… we can’t talk here.”

    You dragged Sangyeon over to the communal shower, the others all following. You turned on some of the shower heads, not caring that you were getting soaked.

“Y/n, are you alright?” Sunwoo asked. “You’re kinda freaking us out.”

“I had another nightmare last night… Chanhee got shot and… I don’t know what’s going on with me…”

    You broke down a bit then and there, getting down to your knees, and hugging them to your chest. Everything had felt so real, yet you were in the house, and everyone was safe and sound. Something was very wrong and you felt that maybe you were losing your mind. You had no idea who you were, and maybe these dreams were just some manifestation of your unraveling mind losing control.

“Take it easy, y/n.” Juyeon knelt down next to you. “Tell us what happened.”

    You explained your dream, how it had been recurring, but this time you escaped, sort of. You saw more of what was around, and as far as you understood they had all been there too, but you only saw a few of them. You really thought you were crazy, until Eric admitted to having a similar dream. He had one long ago, but as of late, he’s dreamt of a place that sounded like what you had described. He wasn’t the only one, a few others sharing similar experiences. None had ever really spoken about this before, and the fact they were overlapping, even with you who had only been there for a little over a month. Everyone agreed that something was off.

“What are you doing in here?”

    You were all rather surprised to see Dr. Bryce, but he wasn’t happy. He grabbed you and dragged you out, saying you weren’t supposed to be in there with them. The boys quickly followed, Changmin grabbing your arm and pulling you away from the doctor.

“She can do whatever she wants!”

“Isn’t the point here for us to get along?” Kevin questioned. “Showering is a great bonding experience.”

“You are all having individual sessions to discuss whatever has been going on with you lately.”

“No.”

“You’ll be grounded.”

“You gonna ground all of us then?”

    As the doctor looked around he could see they’d all be standing against his words. Instead he posed the solution of a group session. They’d all sit down and talk together. The boys shared some glances and ultimately agreed. Once everyone was dressed, getting something quick for breakfast, you all went to the office. There was plenty of space for everyone. You sat down on the couch, Jacob and Haknyeon taking a seat on either side of you. For you it was a bit nerve wracking to be back in here, but you weren’t alone, and they all had your back. The doctor set down some tea, telling you all to help yourselves, as this was probably gonna go on for a while.

    No one grabbed any, but you did, hoping the tea could help calm your nerves. Sangyeon was the first to speak up, questioning Dr. Bryce on what he had been doing for you, and all of them for that matter. You weren’t really listening, not necessarily because you didn’t want to, but because it was difficult. The voices had quickly turned to shouting, but then it all became muffled noises. You glanced at your tea cup, seeing it blur and melt in your hand. You dropped it, causing it to shatter to pieces on the floor. Everyone suddenly got quiet, eyes on you. Somehow you glanced up, but all you saw were blurs. You probably would have collapsed to the floor if the two with you didn’t grab you and lay you back on the couch.

“Y/n seems to be tired.” Dr. Bryce stated. “Perhaps you should all get some rest.”

    You were already slipping away, vaguely aware of a commotion happening around you. Although a sweet aroma was tickling your nose. It brought a little smile to your face before your world faded to black.

🖤

    You took a soft breath as you regained consciousness. You found yourself in an all too familiar room, but this time you weren’t alone.

“I don’t quite understand how it is that you keep waking up.” Dr. Bryce explained. “None of the others ever have, but as of late it’s been recorded that they have had moments of consciousness. I had to add a second dosage for you, but it seems to have lost its effect as well.”

“Who… who are you?”

“A doctor.”

“No… a doctor helps people…”

“I am helping. My methods just may be a bit unorthodox.”

“Who the hell are you!?” You pulled on your restraints. “What are you doing to them!”

“All these boys have issues, and their lack of control has deemed them a danger to polite society. Tell me though, you’ve gotten to know them, do you see them as dangerous?”

“No! They’re good people! They may seem rough on the outside but they have a kind heart!”

“Precisely.”

“Wa… what?”

“You see, when I first came here to this town, I wanted to continue my research. I needed a place to start anew, and found a good plot of land to purchase. Of course setting everything up would take quite a while, but it would also give me time to gather my… volunteers.”

“None of them volunteered for this!”

“They did. Instead of being sent off to juvie, or prison, they chose to come to a group home to rehabilitate themselves.”

“But they didn’t sign up for this!”

“You’ve seen the results yourself my dear.”

“What I’ve seen is that you’re turning them into monsters!”

“No, no, no, you misunderstand. We take all the bad things that label them as troublemakers, and suppress that. By lowering the amount of negative energy they have, they become better people.”

“Then what the fuck is all this underground lab shit! You’re injecting them with some foreign substance and turning them into monsters!”

“It’s a complicated procedure. We can’t eliminate the bad, as it would take an integral part of their identity from them, but suppressing it can only last so long. It’s important that they release these negative energies in a safe environment.”

“This isn’t safe! You’re lying to them! You’re-”

“Although this doesn’t seem to work on you.” The doctor grabbed a needle from the table, and you could see the dark liquid inside. “Which is quite strange. In fact, the first time I administered it, you basically sweated it out of your system.”

“What… what is that?”

“Would you believe me if I told you it was demons blood?”

“How the fuck… why!”

“Well, by infusing the boys with demons blood, there is a physical manifestation of their negative energy. Then one can use runes and talismans to suppress the demonic power, thus making them good little boys.”

“You’re turning them into monsters against their will.”

“They are tamed.”

“Then what is all this! Why keep subjecting them to this every… you do this to them every night… this isn’t just some extreme rehabilitation method, is it… what the hell is your research!”

“Clever. I mean, the answer is quite obvious isn’t it. They would need to have a certain amount of demonic energy suppressed to be the ideal citizen, but the power they now possess. One can control demons after all.”

“You’re weaponizing them?”

“The other night you witnessed number 98 being shot down, and yet they were perfectly fine in the morning. Power like this, one could create an army.”

“You’re insane! These boys trusted you! I trusted you!”

“And you’ve been quite a nuisance. When I picked you up I was aware you didn’t fit my profile, but no one would really be looking for a runaway. It’d be perfect to branch out, and test other hypotheses, but you’ve been very uncooperative. I’ve run countless tests but I can’t find anything out of the ordinary with you. It’s strange, but perhaps I can still get some results.”

    As the doctor approached with the needle you tried to break your restraints, but they were much stronger than before. The needle went into your arm, and soon enough you were feeling a familiar burning sensation. You screamed and desperately yanked on your restraints. While you were caught up in the pain you didn’t realize the doctor gave you another dose. Not until the burning felt like it was melting your skin. You glanced down at your arm to see the black veins climbing up, appearing to release some vapor into the air.

“You really are trying to burn this out of your body… you’re definitely not human. I’ve given you a much higher dosage then I’ve ever given the others before, and you’re still conscious.”

    Another dose was added and you were practically seeing white. Although you managed to focus on the pain, breaking free of your restraints. The doctor quickly ran out of the room, and sounded the alarm, but you didn’t care for it. When guards entered and began firing at you it didn’t hurt much, the pain of the demons blood coursing through your veins hurt more. That certainly startled them, and you managed to make your way out of the room. You were in the same hall as before, and at least you had an idea as to where to go to find the others. Despite the pain you pushed on knowing there was no waking up this time around.

    You followed the same path as before, coming to another familiar room. Because the alarm was blaring it was empty, except for those who couldn’t flee. You came across Changmin, tied down and unconscious. Black veins decorated his arms. It pained you all the more to see it now, knowing what it was. Still, you could worry about that later. As you undid his restraints you tried to wake him, but he didn’t respond. It wasn’t until you made skin to skin contact that things changed. The black veins suddenly began to grow and Changmin came to life. His actions startled you and you collapsed to the floor. Low growls emanated from him, but he only watched you until guards entered the room.

    His attention was quickly on them and he attacked. You took a second to gather yourself and get up, looking around to see if any other boy was around. By now it seemed that something had woken them up. You could see they were aggressively pulling on their restraints, some able to break out, but not all of them. You helped those you could, immediately stepping away and letting them run rampant, knowing they’d be alright for the most part. Of course you didn’t find everyone there, going off to find those containment units from before as well. You ended up finding Kevin in one, this time more desperate to find some way to get him out.

    Although just like before you couldn’t seem to find some sort of door. You were getting desperate, seeing that Kevin wasn’t the only one locked up. You were ignoring the alarm and screaming that could be heard off into the distance. You really wish you could wake up this time, but you were no longer dreaming, and no longer at someone’s mercy. In your frustrations you punched the glass, of course nothing happened and you slowly sunk down to the ground. You felt completely helpless. From the start that’s how it’s been. You had no idea who you were, or where you came from. There was no sense of control in your life, and now you felt like you’d never get it back. Everything that was wrong had been building up, and you were bound to reach your tipping point.

    So you screamed. You screamed beyond what you thought was possible, and all the glass in the room shattered. You didn’t realize until you saw someone run past you, barely able to make anything out anymore. That scream had taken a lot out of you but you managed to stand, and then you heard it, a roar. You don’t really know what it was this time, but you collapsed to the floor. You landed on some glass, but you noticed something more. You could see your reflection in the glass, and it was far clearer than before. Just like the others you had black veins running along your arms and up your neck to your face. But unlike the others your eyes weren’t black, but solid white. It was the last thing you could notice before everything just disappeared.

🖤

    You felt a bit cold, hearing the wind rustling the leaves. Slowly you opened your eyes, sitting up and taking in the world around you. As you regained your senses you realized you were at the front steps of the house, and you weren’t alone. All the other boys were around, also regaining consciousness. Questions were soon being passed around but no one had solid answers, that is except for you. It wasn’t easy to articulate anything, but given the blood stains you all had on your clothes, and the fragment of memories, it wasn’t so hard to believe.

“We need to leave…”

    There was so much more to discuss and figure out, but Sangyeon stated that you all needed to leave. It wasn’t safe there, and it seemed it never was. No one argued, going back into the house, even if a sense of fear lingered. The idea was to quickly clean up and pack up some of the things you called your own. Even though the boys all seemed to be alright, you felt some lingering pain. At one point you rolled up your sleeves and saw the black veins. You were the only one that still had them. You wouldn’t have said anything if Younghoon didn’t catch you.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine… I’m fine…”

“Doesn’t it hurt?”

“A bit…”

“We need to fix this.”

“I don’t think you can.”

“There has to be something… Doc’s office.”

    Without saying anything else Younghoon dragged you over to the doctors office, kicking the door in. He went over to his desk, looking around for something. You just wanted to leave, but he soon found what he was looking for, the patient files. Your own curiosity got the best of you and you went over to the desk as well, grabbing one of the files. Seeing the doctor’s notes made your stomach turn. He was never looking out for any of you, just noting behavior on certain days in regards to the experiments, and what else needed to be done for the sake of stability. The other boys soon found you, looking over bits of their own files before everyone came to the same conclusion.

“We need to destroy this place…”

    It wasn’t that difficult to accomplish, given you all knew where anything and everything dangerous was. All the stoves were turned on, dangerous chemicals and gas spilled everywhere. You were going to set everything ablaze. Everyone had already taken notice of your arms, but didn’t say anything, now wasn’t the time for it. Sangyeon made sure everyone gathered at the front, and as he was about to strike a match you heard your name called.

“Y/n!”

    You turned back to see three individuals approaching the house. You didn’t know who they were, but given that they called your name, it seemed they knew you. This didn’t go over well with the boys, some quickly stepping in front of you to shield you from the strangers. You then noticed some had black fingertips and claws.

“Guys, please calm down.”

    You rushed to the front to talk some sense into them, not wanting anyone to get hurt. You thought maybe you could keep things peaceful, and then you heard laughter. That was familiar to you, and as you looked back you could see it was coming from the strangers who had just arrived. It sent chills down your spine.

“You had one simple job. How did you fuck it up?”

“Wa… what?”

“All you had to do was come to this town and do some recon to find out the source of this demonic energy and report back.” One stated. “I suppose you didn’t completely mess up if you did find the source, and we can deal with it swiftly.”

    You were still processing all those words when the three summoned swords from thin air. Without thinking you ran up to stand in front of the boys, holding your hands out to shield them.

“Don’t hurt them! They’re innocent!”

“What is wrong with you? Move!”

“They’re not monsters! They haven’t done anything wrong!”

“Their appearance begs to differ.”

“Huh?”

    You looked back, seeing that some boys had black veins crawling up their skin, a few with black eyes, and others already growling.

“Whatever was suppressing the demonic energy seems to be gone now. They’re a danger to every living being on the planet, which means they need to be dealt with immediately.”

“They don’t know what’s going! None of us do!”

“That doesn’t matter, now move.”

“No!”

“You-”

    The one speaking suddenly stopped, staring at you intently. You didn’t know why until you realized your sleeves had rolled up a bit, exposing the black veins on your arm. You immediately tried to hide them, only to realize they had grown up the back of your hand.

“You’ve been compromised… no wonder you’ve completely failed. You’ve always been weak, and even a small recon mission was too much for you.”

“I… I don’t know what’s going on… I don’t know what’s happening… please-”

“It doesn’t matter. You can’t return to Heaven. There’s no way to cleanse demonic power once it’s mixed with your essence.”

“What… what are you talking about?”

“Kill them. All of them.”

“Don’t touch them!”

    When the trio moved to strike you screamed, stepping forward only to collapse as a wave of energy exploded from your body. Everyone around you felt the hit, stumbling a bit. You on the other hand began feeling the burning sensation from before. While in that haze you noticed something white from the corner of your eye, slowly looking over to see you had wings. For a moment you were in awe, but then you saw how the feathers were falling out. You began freaking out, not aware how your actions only seemed to aggravate the boys further until they lunged at the group of strangers.

“Don’t!”

    You tried to call out and reach them, but you suddenly felt disoriented. The world was spinning and you fell to the ground. Everything was fading for you, and you desperately tried to stay focused. All the pain and confusion wound up overwhelming you, and you could only sink into the void, worrying about the boys and if you’d ever see them again.

🖤

    You weren’t cold this time around, and you felt very subtle movement. You soon realized you were moving, that someone was carrying you. Once you opened your eyes you could see that Sangyeon had you on his back, holding your legs while your arms lazily wrapped around him. You moved to hold him tighter, alerting him you were awake.

“Y/n, are you okay?”

“What happened…”

    You slowly looked around, seeing all the other boys, and that they were back to normal. You also didn’t have your wings anymore. Although you realized Haknyeon and Sunwoo were twirling around some white feathers.

“Are those… mine…”

“They’re really pretty.” Sunwoo commented.

    You rested your head against Sangyeon, taking a moment to think. You don’t know what happened back at the house, and you were too afraid to ask. At least everyone was okay, and you could live with that.

“I remember something…”

“What do you remember?” Sangyeon asked.

“Things are still a bit fuzzy, but I remember…” You took a breath. “I was sent to the town to find… this anomaly… but something happened to me and I lost my memories… I still ended up finding you though… so I guess I did what I was supposed to… but…”

    At that moment you saw bits of black peeking out from your sleeves. It didn’t sting anymore, but they seemed to be permanent.

“What happened to me… what happened to all of you…”

“We don’t know.”

“Where are we going?”

“Don’t know, but we gotta stick together.”

“And the house?”

“Gone.” Sangyeon stated. “The fire will spread over time, eventually getting noticed. We’ll be long gone by then.”

“So it’s just us now…”

“We’ll be okay.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I’m not, but as long as we stay together, we’ll be alright.”

“Hm…”

“Thanks by the way.”

“Me? For what?”

“Not entirely sure what happened back there, but thanks to you we’re free.”

“I don’t think that warrants any thanks. I don’t even know who… or what I am…”

“We’ll figure that out, together. So don’t worry about it, we’re all the same more or less.”

    You snuggled up a bit against Sangyeon. He probably could have put you down by now, but you had a feeling that he had no intention of doing so. Instead you were left to think. You had many questions, all of them did too, but answers weren’t going to come easy. In fact you may never get them, but maybe you could live with that. In the short time you could remember being alive, you seemed to have found a little family of your own. No matter where you went, no matter what happened next, you had each other, and that was all you could ask for.

[evostar]

Some ideas I had for La Madre Silenciosa

Dolores heard everything from gossip, to cheaters, and abusers. 

She’s always heard abusers whether they were an abusive sibling, spouse, or parent.

 Dolores would cry herself to sleep knowing there were so many people in Encanto who needed help but Alma nor any adult would listen. Mirabel was the last straw, she heard Mirabel crying alone in her room one night a few weeks after her ceremony. She was crying every night, but Dolores didn’t know what to do.

After some long consideration, Dolores took it upon herself to start caring for Mirabel. Pepa was sometimes too tired to play with Camilo so Dolores would take it upon herself to care for him too. Felix had a little more energy so he could watch him from time to time. But it still wasn't often.

So, Dolores started caring for her two kids at precisely 12 years old. It wasn’t hard, Tía Julieta and Tio Agustín were too busy/tired and same for her parents. Alma did take notice and would be a little confused by how much Mirabel spent time with Dolores but never said anything.

When out in public Mirabel would stick close to Camilo, “She’s helping me with my show/ she’s helping me make people laugh” he would say if anyone even TRIED to open their mouth.  

Also, if anyone tries to verbally or physically hurt Mirabel, he has to help her in some way. Dolores told him that he is Mirabel’s older primano and that he has to look after her if she isn’t around. Yeah, he would get in trouble, but he didn’t care, as long as Mira was ok, he was happy.

By the time Antonio came along she was seventeen, and of course, she took him in.

Now when it comes to hiding abused people/kids I'm not sure how it would work. I think at first, Dolores asked Casita to make her room a little bigger and took people in over time.

The ages of people she takes care of range from 5-20+. These are just some ideas, you can tweak them of course.

I’m so happy to have this au! It seems so interesting and adorable🥹 (well half-)

I was thinking that Dolores kinda grew up to be a takecarer of the Encanto children who most likely either get treated bad by their parents or guardian. She’s either a big sister or a mother to a lot of the children, most of the children she has basically grew up with her and they eventually started to call her mother or big sister, most of the older children often help her take care of the others as if like a family, including camilo, Mirabel and Antonio! Camilo and mirabel kind of became a Tia or Tio too in the process.

And if there were any abuse to poeple who are way older then her, she made sure to report them to the police. She did try to do the same with the children but often got rejected because they thought she was just lying or ruining peoples lives so she stopped trying with the children.

The other family members had some suspicions about some stuff but rather brush it off. Isabela and Luisa are always watching though.

I also like to think that when Dolores was 18 she got together with Mariano! Who has also become a big part of the little (rather big) family! He’s like a father figure to most of them, many call him “papa” or “big brother” too! But their favorite word to call him is “gentle giant” all of them knew though that everyone’s favorite was Dolores.

Now I think that casita would have made an extra apartment like room for the little family, it’s somewhere in Dolores room (where it’s most likely hidden) and that casita often helps them take care of the family, such as providing food, making sure they are all comfortable or not left out, and definitely that none of the little ones escape into the house. They love to call casita “Tia casita” or “Tita” for short. There is door in the backyard that also leads into the room so it’s often easier to acces too! (Which ofc, is also hidden!)

Dolores loves to take care of these people, and if she ever felt ill or bad, they always made sure to check on her too :D!

(Little art 🩵👌)

(These two are siblings who’s parents got arrested for drug addiction and abuse, mostly the drug addiction but they are newly members to the family who adapted it quiet quickly)

[interpol-anonymous]

weird question about the pancakes anon. does interpol itself ever, idk. shoot itself in the foot because the anti-cult training teaches people to be too wary of cheap tactics meant to promote group cohesiveness? like, does interpol have an employee pancake breakfast that people are sus about because their anti cult training says that you gotta be wary of people who offer limited material benefits and socialization that forces you to rely on them, rather than providing you with like. dental?

TO BE CLEAR WE HAVE DENTAL. and to be fair we have genuinely good training about this stuff in my universe. It's entirely possible pancake anon's training was different or maybe the instructor didn't explain the nuance very well. It's less about the social cohesion tactics and more about 1) you're there to objectively do one job (gather information) 2) you have to emotionally separate yourself from the group when you are not on the job, and that involves refusing to analyze the group in any way. Because of #1. You're just getting information, field agents aren't supposed to be judges of the people interpol is gathering information on. Making and acting on judgements of them is a great way to get you removed from the mission - not fired, or punished, of course. Because it's not that it's wrong to make those kinds of judgments, but more that it will bias your report and us office workers aren't paid enough to parse through your emotions about the team or faller or suspect. It also makes your job harder to do in the first place because it clouds your own judgement on how to navigate the situation! Judge them all you want off the clock but you have to be able to put it aside entirely on the job, especially when you're undercover. It's easier to see if a group is a cult or not if you're focused on gathering objective information. Making determinations from that information should come after you've gathered enough data over a long period of time, especially if it's not your job to determine whether a tight knit weird group of people is just a tight knit weird group of people or an emotionally or physically abusive cult that hazes and lovebombs you into thinking they're the only people you can ever rely on. It is genuinely difficult to not fall for a cult, that's why we have the trainings. It's not pancake anon's fault. But they need to get out of there because they're failing their mission and that can jeopardize their safety in a way that makes it incredibly difficult for us to go in and rescue them. Trust me, there is so much more paperwork and behind the scenes organization to extract an agent that genuinely joined the cult than it is to extract an agent that recognizes that they're vulnerable there and can't stay neutral under the mask while they do the job.