#and lonely too i dont think anyone would talk to me unless i do it first and it makes me think

[hand-painted-5tars]

i was in some sort of productivity strike but i halted it at some point and i cant seem to concentrate enough to get it back and well i dragged it trying to get back during the week but it isnt working very well so,

im kinda frustrated.

[arty-cakes]

being both a bretta and zote fan is so so painful actually ppl will always find some way to make sure they never interact again or use the latter to (seriously) demonize zote for stuff he never did while also mischaracterising bretta and i 💥👊💥🥊👊🤜🤛💥🤜👊🤜💥🤜💥🥊 🤜👊👊👊🤜💥 im not good at putting into words why this is frustrating

either make them divorced mortal enemies or reluctant friends who actually enjoy eachother's company either of those are funnier but why make up stuff that didnt happen and then pretend its canon and the reason why they should never talk again..... thats so boring

i was gonna leave this in the tags but no i wanna talk

i know im complaining here but its honestly not an issue i see a-lot like i do see them being enemies or friends in fancontent and to the ppl who do that ily very much. its always cool. and people like my dynamic too and when they let me know it makes me rlly happy lol

but i feel like people need to understand that not every situation is good or bad sometimes they are just. situations. like bretta and zote

and i still feel like there's this general misunderstanding about zote that needs to be cleared up which is that he's not actually.... a liar lol. or i mean the only person he lies to is himself and he's not pretending to be a knight he really BELIEVES he's a knight. don quixote coded like he rlly believes he killed the vengefly king and won the colosseum tournament and whatever. all confirmed by his dreamnail dialogue like it makes it REALLY CLEAR that he believes what hes saying. he's actually having delusions thats why most people in hollow knight choose to help him out its why he cant process life threatening situations. he's still annoying just because of his general personality but NOT because of his delusions. (i'd say something profound about how usefulness ties to worth in most people's subconscious and its rooted in ableism and its why zote hate is so loud and normalized but i dont know how to) basically he is not out here 'manipulating' anyone wtf

bretta's delusional too btw the game literally calls her out (gpz godhome description i think). personally i like that canon decided these two should meet and the result was this awfully tough dreamgod that u can fight 10x that's hilarious to me. if a fan made this up and it never happened in canon i would be like 'holy shit this should be a dlc this WOULD happen' because these two are just like that

also people seriously forget that bretta didnt just leave because of zote she left because of ghost too. girl just had enough of short knights ok she was done with both of them if you bring her back to town she's not suddenly gonna realize ghost is heroic and cool and be apologetic and want them back and zote's mad and jealous. <- this out here is mischaracterising ALL 3 of them its so juvenile what.... and i just dont think she'd care that much about either of them, a lot like how zote barely gives a shit about the infection or never realizes she left, they both have tunnel vision these two are the same do you see it

also tell me he was lying when he called ghost a beast because they are thats all they've been striving for this is a compliment to them i know it

this isnt reallyyy a rant. its a personal grievance because i like them both so i care about their portrayal and interactions and i like it when they aren't lonely. but also they're really light-hearted characters so why not just treat them like that....they go through shit and then they move on easily and go through it all over again. its been 7 years can we cut them a break. i dont wanna see anymore mischaracterising unless its really funny

[crybabycherub18]

Bio time???? yessir

A few things first:

•I am Bisexual and I have a boyfriend! I am open to talking with mainly women. If you are a man, please do not reach out to me first with any expectations.

•kinks include and are not limited to: bdsm, feedism, cnc

•Ive been in the feedism community since 2019.

•I deleted my old accounts due to mental health and privacy reasons.

•With that being said, I will not be showing my face on my page. If a friendship and strong trust is formed then that is a part of me that i will decide to share on a person to person basis.

•I am back to try again and plan to have a different content demographic, hopefully this goes well.

•Please do not reblog without permission.

Now that those things are out of the way, here is a lil bit about me :D

I am 23 and live on the east coast. Not going to get more specific than that unless I get to know you beyond 1 conversation.

My favorite food is probably sushi

I love cats on an unreal level sorry not sorry

I love music of all sorts!! Always feel free to send some good recs my way!(but fuck country music)

I have been on a long constant journey of self love and acceptance, please try to keep an encouraging and positive stream of messages/asks. Unless otherwise specified. There is a time and place for everything…! Sometimes the degradation and animal names can make me actually feel bad about myself.

I am a SOCIAL BUTTERFLY!!! I would no question message every last one of u or anyone that i think is cute or cool or interesting, but i dont want to come off too strong. Please give me grace and if youre open to it, accept the love and friendship i have to give 🫂♥️💫 It gets lonely for a big girl out here and can be hard to find like minded friends.

Last thing i can think to say right now

I treat everyone with respect and kindness and compassion. It is not a perfect world so ill never expect everyone to treat me the same. But I do not owe anyone anything and I am well aware of my worth. If you are weird or creepy, expect to be blocked.

[x1702x]

For Honest favourite characters asks: Do 3, 8, 11, 13, 18 and 43 for Gehrman! Open the floodgate

Wanting to make me cry as always? yep.

3. What first drew you to this character?

Gehrman drew me in mostly because I found him endearing, just an old geezer telling you what to do, I enjoyed hearing his dialogue, his voice is calming to me.

8. Does the character’s looks/design matter to you?

His design is very solid, I like how peaceful he looks hunched over with his cane and then suddenly kicking your ass, besides, HIS HEIGHT? How did all thay hide so casually in that chair?? Grandpa go take ur meds

11. How did you “fall in love” with this character?

My liking of Gehrman grew once I figured his background, I pity him a lot, you see, I've mostly dealed with old people in my life, I used to take visits to my great uncle's residence and I grew fond of the people there. Many are there alone without their family visiting or any grandchildren, I liked talking to them and hearing stories of their lives, being their "surrogate grandchild" in a way.

But since he passed, I believe 2019, I stopped going there since I wasn't a visit anymore. But I had fun there and made acquaintances with some old ladies :) It was nice to see Old people have fun and be so alive.

A year ago my drama club used to take its classes at an eldery center, they were very polite to our group and loved seeing us act, we gave them many laughs and joys. I don't usually cry much about things unless its something i resonate with, and Gehrman just hits different, he's lonely and his only company being the doll (The literal living image of Maria) whos a constant reminder of someone that isnt there with him, you know, it sinks someone down. Ive known people like that, which i think is the main reason I sob over him and yadda yadda. Hes just full of pain and it hurts my soul.

13. If you could draw effortlessly and as much as you wanted, what scene (s) would you draw for this character?

Perhaps something with Maria, tender at most. I dont know, but I want to see him happy. I really do.

18. Do you prefer to see this character suffer or know peace? Angst or comfort? Both?

Peace. He has struggled for long and the way he ends in the game is tragic, no ending will bring him or anyone peace, the moon presence lurks and still wins, you become her surrogate child, another puppet, or continue Gehrman's suffering.

I really wish people saw further than the stereotype they so wrongly put on him of "Creepy old man" Its VERY incorrect and really dims his potential. He's more than "some weirdo stuck on Maria's backstory" He was the first hunter!! He literally made a deal with an eldritch being for hunters to have a respite, brushing aside his life. Hes literally stuck in a nightmare! Aghh,,, sorry im ranting too much but I just appreciate him a lot like errm thats my GRANDPA ur talkin shit about ermm.......

[gently-decaying-flowers]

some super incomprehensible rant under the cut lmfao

generally speaking my home life caused me to grow up too fast

i see everything- every decision- only in how it will impact my adult life. i’ve never “relished” in being a kid.

there’s so many other factors like neurodivergency, figuring out sexuality yadda yadda that affect how i think

i was talking with my friend late last night about how it’s hard to determine what a relationship is supposed to be and i was mostly speaking on the difference between romantic and sexual attraction from the view of an asexual person. how in all medias romantic attraction is tied to wanting sex with someone and i grew up thinking that’s was love was

and now i’m like- what even is romantic attraction? i need to come to terms with the fact that i will never experience attraction the way “normal” people do. i so badly want a relationship but it’s hard when i don’t even know what that means, and when i think about it i just get stressed and any feelings i thought i had just disappear

maybe they weren’t real in the first place then

on top of that, i can’t get crushes for so many other reasons

no one really knows me as charlie except for my few friends who i don’t go to school with anymore. that means no one at my school knows me- so if i even think i have a crush on anyone i realize there’s no way it would work and i just get sad

and on the topic that started this- growing up too fast. i can’t acknowledge that i have feelings for someone unless i can envision my future with them. because what’s the point? wasting time and energy if it won’t impact my life forever?

and no one else my age things like that- so no one else would even care about the relationship as much as i do. i learned that the hard way.

it just feels really lonely. i have friends who understand- i mean ive met the friends who im going to have for the rest of my life so i dont have to worry about dying along obviously. but its hard feeling and knowing i want something that’s going to be impossible for me until i become an adult, lean into who i am, and find a person who feels the same way i do.

[limpfisted]

WYLL’S FLAWED PERSPECTIVE. or, how to “read” my replies!

i personally believe wyll is a flawed character and its important to give him the full spectrum of emotions beyond “good” “kind” or “bad” “evil.”

i am personally working on trying to stay “ic” and true to my characters, without pushing the character into saying something that will like, be good for a ship, or like, be an “rp people pleaser” if that makes senses!

i don’t JUST want to have interactions where wyll is perfect. to me, wyll has flaws in the way he communicates and sees the world. this does not mean he is not heroic, or a kind, decent man—it just means i love him as a character for his layers. these things make him more REAL and complex than i think wyll as a PERSON wants to be, in a kind of “hide my truth, hide my feelings, elsa frozen kinnie” way

so without further ado, here are some things wyll might do or want to do or say incorrectly or percieve your character in the wrong way even tho i personally would not behave in the same ways irl On Purpose For Some Of These Things

CONDESCENDING. wyll believes he knows best. wyll believes he can say all the right words and “fix things.” he can make EVERYTHING better. he has a SAVIOR COMPLEX. while never being a perfect martyr, he really does think he can “ahaaha dont have depression ur so sexy” ur ass by being gentle and kind and roleplaying a fairy tale with you. additionally, if you seem “soft” in some way, or “meek” in some way, wyll want to “help you” more.

AVOIDANT. wyll does not want to talk about what he wants, what he notices, what he feels, except in poetryor tall tales or threats of violence. his pretty words sometimes hide an emptiness, a dreaminess. he speaks of things he cannot have and will not ask for. he is embarrassed to want, embarrassed to need, attention, desire, anything but charm and protecting the innocent and meek.

OVERLY ROMANTIC. this ties in with above. he idealizes people, he puts them on pedestals, he treats them like they are made of glass. he does not humanize others or himself enough, and prefers to live in a world of fantasies and pretend.

BOASTFUL. wyll tries to be humble—but this is to match a persona. if you dive even slightly deeper into things, he’s all too happy to tell you how strong and heroic he is, to the point of condescion and vanity. on the other hand, he will not take you seriously if you threaten him! he’ll threaten you back! he doesnt give a single fuck!

BLACK AND WHITE THINKING AND SNAP JUDGEMENTS. to wyll, you are either “hunter” “prey” “hero/villain” the person he needs to protect people from. he will bide his time—but it is difficult for him to trear villains kindly, and he will NEVER truly respect them as people, unless they prove they have changed or are not trying to hurt anyone currently.

WILL WORK WITH VILLAINS. WILL MAKE DEALS WITH DEVILS. WILL ALSO HUNT THEM FOR SPORT. easy to understand, wyll believes he can “control” devils, if they are useful to him. wyll can ally with evil—even if he is just biding his time to kill them later.

VIOLENT. ROLEPLAYER. if you are evil, he will just want to kill you and that’s that! he wanted to kill every goblin at that camp! he relishes in violence as long as it’s for justice. he gets off on the power and pomp of it n his heroism—even when its not actually heroic

WORDS GET AWAY FROM HIM. he will speak with intention, but has a tendency to ramble poetically. when angry, and threatening someone, sometimes he makes no sense at all bc he just wants murder myrder death death justice

A SILLY BILLY!! he can take himself very seriously, but also he is brainweird and skin hungry n loves to touch n be weird and wrestle n write funny poems and get drunk n dance under the stars. he’s a silly ex-(would have been a theatre kid but his dad wanted him to join jrotc instead) kid! he likes big bold gestures. he is EXTREMELY REPRESSED, but the closer he gets to u, the more ull see his joy n not just his “good hero”

DEEPLY LONELY AND APPROVAL SEEKING. wyll really likes it when people pay attention to him. nore than he likes actually doing good things, sometimes. note: there is nothing wrong with doing good things for recognition, everyone deserves recognition of hard work n pain. but it still makes him more interesting to me than generic hero!:

EASILY CORRUPTABLE / MOLDABLE / MANIPULATED. he approves of killing for auntie ethel n them immediatley goes. oh. fuck. oh no…. i fucked up. im trash…. he got i. cahoots with mizora and thinks he CHOSE that bc hes so so good!

NOT IN TOUCH WITH HIS FEELINGS. wyll doesn’t always know wgat’s going on his beain/heart, n honestly he doesn’t want to think abt it too hard! but i will! i always will, wyll.

SMART, BUT DOESN’T CARE ENOUGH TO QUESTION. i dont feel like writing anymore god free me. free me from the sin of my hubris. free me. no more writing

THERE ARE MORE THINGS PROBABLY BUT I DONT FERL LIKE WRITING THEM. LOOK AT MY PRETTY HC BANNER ITS SO PRETTY. GOODBYE FOREVER

something so,ething hes traumatized and pushes people away n puts them on a pedestal so they can never know how scarred and scared and unworthy he feels bc of the deep loneliness inside him from his family’s emotional instability coupled with being homeless as a teenager with only an abuser to guide him thru his late teens, etc

[levi-dayne]

okay instead of vagueposting my breakdowns like usual im going to try something different. i feel really lonely lately. a lot of the time i feel like no one would talk to me if i didn't say something to them first. i feel like a lot of my life has been me forcing friendships and then wondering if anyone cares and sometimes i do get into these moods where it feels like nobody would notice if i just stopped posting or replying and just dropped off the internet. im way too addicted to tumblr to cave in and test that but it just feels really isolating. i always feel like i care more about other people than they do about me. being autistic is isolating on its own, it's also really isolating having the level of c-ptsd that i have because i know it permanently altered how i view my interactions and connections with other people and everyone always tells me it'll get better once i find good people but i don't know how to do that. the vast majority of my friends only text me when they need to vent and ignore me the rest of the time. people tell me how great of a friend and person i am and how i deserve great things but then they never give me the time of day. it really sucks because the vast majority of the time i don't even need to talk about whatever's bothering me. i dont even know where id start with that because people dont really care enough to let me get into it and im not used to talking like that. i usually just want to have any amount of conversation with someone. about anything. i dont think i really could get into it if someone even did ask, or id probably apologize profusely afterwards and assume the person hated me now. i dont really know because it doesnt happen a lot. i just realized earlier today when i was having an episode that i dont really have anyone to text and tell that i needed support. the more it happens the less safe i feel with people. at this point it genuinely feels like everyone will get sick of me and there's no point trying to bond with anyone because they only ever want to be around me when they're struggling. and that doesn't do good things for me either to talk to most people in my life only when they're unhappy. and im too much of a people pleaser to say no because then they wont talk to me EVER. or they'll lash out because they always seem to. because i said id be there for them and they could always come to me but if im not up for it one time i get guilt tripped or harassed. it just feels so lonely and isolating and i just wish i had people i could rely on without being scared of them. sometimes it feels like caring about other peope comes so naturally to everyone unless it's about me. and i know a lot of people dont even see me as a person, they've told me that even. that they see me as a reward for their hardships because ill deal with anything or that im just a free therapist to them or that they dont care about me but they keep me around because i help them so much and they dont want to live without me. which is fucking horrible to feel and hear by the way, it makes me feel like a commodity. i just wish people cared about me but it feels like i wasn't made for that

[climaxbattles]

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired

[qumiiiquinnquin]

i only noticed last week that i start shaking at the thought of having to talk to others

i always knew my social anxiety was bad. but i only started to notice in recent years ((especially after shutdowns in 2020)) that i almost cant talk to people - literally anyone - at all

it wasnt so bad when i was little. i could kind of socialize with kids my age. id mostly be the one to engage first because i wanted to make friends. sometimes i did it with no problems. other times i was pretty anxious when doing so. i worried a lot how others would think of me and what they would say to me or others. but i was mostly by myself and preferred it that way, even if i did get lonely at times. and if other kids engaged with me, i became very anxious and quiet, and would say very little. there was a kid at a park i went to several years ago in colorado and he came up to talk to me while i was on the swing. i felt bad because i wanted to talk, but i was pretty anxious most of the conversation. i only started to open up more near the end before he had to go

i actually had a much easier time talking to teachers throughout preschool (and daycare) up to some point in high school than talking to any of my peers

i know i always had trouble ordering food at places. i always became too nervous and was almost never loud enough for them to hear me. i shut down easily when i have to repeat myself (something im trying to work on) so relatives had to order for me. my stepdad was really understanding throughout my childhood and would always help me order when we would go to subway. family here is much less inclined to help and doesn't like it at all when i lock up when i have to order. it annoys them, and ive been told repeatedly to speak up and to get over my fear

the last place we went to, i almost immediately whipped out my phone to type out my order after i was initially responded with "what?" because she couldn't hear me, but my family was there and i know they would've gotten upset. pissed, probably. likely wouldve had my phone snatched from me. i always try to speak up so they can hear me and i have to just say what i want without thinking about it to avoid clamming up. but i still am shaking and my face turns red because of embarrassment

especially since shutdowns though, talking to people feels impossible. i dont talk to anyone except friends, but even then we run out of things to say and we sit there in silence. school makes you socialize with others a lot, but id almost never speak unless it was a requirement and the teacher would know when someone wasn't speaking, or if i felt too pressured to speak. most times i would either observe or dissociate. ive only gone out twice to shop for myself since shutdowns; one of the times i stuttered extremely bad and came very close to crying out of embarrassment right there at checkout, the other i could barely bring myself to talk and managed to only get half of a "thank you" out (it sounded like an annoyed mumble when i wasnt annoyed at all. i still feel bad about that)

ive turned around from any place that i start to go to, like food places, because im too anxious to go in and especially terrified out of my mind to make an order. im glad my sibling has become more understanding, they've been asking what i want and then ordering it for me while i pay (i feel bad to be very honest). its with my sibling that i have more confidence, but im still too scared to say anything

and this anxiety is carrying over to how i interact with people on social media! i used to not be so afraid to talk to people. but in the past bit over a year replying to any responses i get has become daunting. ive had to stop talking to friends for several days because im busy or mental health shit, but coming back and sending them anything back immediately feels scary, even if i know them well and they know me well. and i end up making the last time we talked extend to several more days. sometimes weeks... sometimes...months. im not trying to ghost people. and i do not like that sending a message back to anyone makes me shake uncontrollably and sweat like i just ran a 10k at full speed without stopping (idfk)

its bothering me lots especially now in college. social interaction is required for certain assignments and participation. but all i can do is sit there, shaking, heart pounding, unable to talk to anybody. we are all adults there, so we are expected to act as such. my extreme social anxiety doesn't fly there and ill likely be told one day that im acting like a child or i need to get used to talking to people or something to that effect

idk how to end this off

[yongislong]

"dont let you make YOU feel inferior!!!"

trueee ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ rn i would say there's actually like no "bad person" in my life, maybe rude clients once in a while, but my coworkers, family and friends are nice to me. even if i know that person won't be a good influence to me, i wont hesitate to completely cut ties with them. once i decide in my mind this person is irrelevant to me, they cease to exist. i keep my circle very small and i won't allow anyone to mess with my mind and heart, so im actually quite protected & sheltered...however, my biggest enemy is really ME..😔 and i cant really cut ties with this person unless.. 😭😭 no one really gives me pressure as much as myself. 20+ years in my life im still learning to accept this person 😔

but your fic was really eye-opening to me, it's like you know me better than myself ㅠ you you'd be such a good advisor my dear vic ㅠㅠ♡♡♡♡♡

honestly i've been having a pretty hard time too, even worse than when i wrote that originally ㅠㅠ i try and keep my circle of friends close but im fighting with my best friend of 6 years now and idk what to do.

i know exactly how you feel. i trusted people and they have used it against me but i think its a beautiful thing that only you will be able to know yourself so vulnerably. sometimes you don't need to share everything with everyone and sometimes people are going to make you feel bad about sharing your feelings, making it about themselves. but once you find a love that allows you to be yourself fully without a shadow of a doubt that this person is not going to use it against you or ever make you feel like you cant talk to them, its gonna be so valuable! im pretty bad at cutting ties so im pretty jealous of you in that sense ㅠ haha because i think thats what gets me in trouble. i care too much so im always lonely. i like to forgive and forget on my own time which is probably not good LOL! ㅠ

i feel like everybody's biggest enemy is themselves! the idea that you have to live with yourself forever is a weird pill to swallow. sometimes its hard to accept and sometimes its easy to be content with yourself but thats totally normal. i think its hard to fully accept yourself and the fact that you are so self aware is honestly very mature. a lot of people older than us have never been able to do that or have never been faced with situations that require them to think about the type of person they are.

this was kinda dark LMAOOO ㅠ but im really glad my fic was able to help or make you look at love and the world differently! i always read back on it when i need a little comforting as well. i guess advisor is pretty close to an english teacher, no? hopefully my students liike me ㅋㅋ

more wise words from vic ㅋㅋㅋ

[plague-of-insomnia]

Man it reminds me of this meme

Like idk, im a younger millennial, and it was still very normal for our parents to beat us. So normal in fact, that it was expected (what do you MEAN you dont beat the shit out of your kid for misbehaving!?)

If taboo stuff was normalized... We wouldn't call it taboo.

If somebody wrote a shota x adult, it wouldn't have underage, or the tags, it would just be whatever gender pairing like m/m. there would be no acknowledgement whatsoever, or anywhere near the tags. It would just be a thing in society "so whens your boyfriend getting outta grade school" with the same dival of "so hows the weather"

But no, anti's wanna act like warnings are condonement for the material. Instead of like, warnings.

We dont put hairspray in the oven because it has "WARNING" talking about not to do that, and go obviously these people condone putting hairspray in the oven. (Or try to pass off responsibility like No The hairspray company is the reason my house exploded despite the clear warnings! I just didnt listen!)

Im ranting in here but seriously- anywy-

Hi eyeböll 🥺💕

Nope you’re absolutely right and I’ve seen others make the same point.

When someone tags their story with warning tags, that means they’re aware that the content is “bad.” In a sense it’s like how it used to be “warning, this fic has slash” bc that was considered by many to still be “wrong” or “gross” or even enough to get a fic nuked.

If someone thinks underage is 100% fine and normal and acceptable IRL, then why bother with a warning for it? Granted, sometimes I’ll add warnings when I personally don’t feel they’re necessary, but I like to err on the side of caution.

But yeah, antis like to argue that violence and murder is OK in fiction bc “everyone knows that’s wrong/bad” but underage or adult/minor (even aged up) isn’t bc not everyone knows pedophilia is wrong. (I have seen this exact argument, almost verbatim.)

But the thing is, most people agree that actual pedophilic behavior and (sexual) abuse of children is wrong. Yet you still see plenty of people commit murder or physically assault people IRL, and you still have a segment of parents and educators who believe in “spare the rod, spoil the child” to this day. (Yeah my parents hit us too, though I’m older.)

Antis arguments have more holes than Swiss cheese, and that’s partly bc they don’t know the meaning of the words they use (like “normalization” or “pedophilia”) and bc their whole movement is actually based on confounding disgust with morality rather than an actual logical argument.

They don’t like something, it makes them personally uncomfortable, and instead of avoiding that content, they just wanna remove all harm. And ofc that only applies to sexual content, because antis are hypocrites who don’t realize they’re parroting far right, extremist religious crap rather than being the “progressives” they believe to be.

It’s also ridiculous because a fan fic with a few thousand hits is not gonna normalize shit. If fiction affected reality so directly and extremely as antis claim, then half the world would be fucking their sisters after the popularity of Game of Thrones. But ofc they don’t attack HBO bc they have lawyers and such to shut anyone down, but some lone fan fic writer is an easy target.

(Not to mention if someone is sooo impressionable that reading one fan fic is gonna convince them of x being acceptable and OK, the problem is with THEM and not the fan fic. Because no matter what antis say, unless you’re like… 5 years old, you should have the maturity level to deduce that fiction is not something you should be taking life lessons from directly.)

Antis are bullies, plain and simple, who want control, and are too dense to realize the consequences of their behavior.

<3

[odetoagirl]

i hate you. say something.

i hate her, i hate her i hater her i hate her. how is it not possible to uderstand your own daughter. does she have no sense of atmosphere, does she not feel the distance between us, that when we are sat in a room together we are still drifting further apart. or does she not notice? perhaps she does not care to. or let us say she does, it is so palpable it seems that surely she couldnt. we never talk about anything real or proper unless i am manic and desperate and screaming, i think maybe she doesnt know how to have real proper deep meaningful conversations because the muscle has never been worked, or not for a long time, maybe she doesnt have it at all. i think that is possible, that she doesnt even know that type of connection exists, that that realm of motion and emotion is what everything really is. like a blind child can never imagine sight, she cannot udnerstand what it is to be human. and if she does she must be utterly lonely, for i have never seen her talk about it to anyone, ive never even watched the cogs turn behind her eyes. ive watched her sit with what she considers her best friends and closest family and still ive never seen her talk past what she does with me. perhaps to her this IS closeness. but then shes said before she knows i keep secrets, that she knows there is so much i dont tell her. but she never ever asked, i never knew she cared or that she noticed or that she wanted to know because how could i? and what would i say if she did ask? probably not the truth; she does not foster a safe environment for such vulnerability that i feel. i think she does not ask because she is scared of what i would say, certainly i am aware of my own overwhelming arrogance and certainty of my own correctness - willing to admit when i am wrong or do not know, but otherwise stubborn and certain i am overwhelmingly right most of the time, for i persue knowledge like a lion and retain it too. i am born of fear though, or it has been nurtured deep into me, permeating every ounce of me, so i can never muster the courage to broach anything or say anything, i am scared of her reaction, and she is scared of nothing but the truth. the way in which i speak of things is brutally vulnerable and very direct, critical and analytic but not criticising, but every time i try to speak she reads my tone as cruel, offensive, an attack. only she in my life has this response, most others experience it as a raw and brutal breath of fresh air in a landscape of masked insincerity and inference. she is so polite and prim and proper i think the honestly reads as cold and harsh, but it is only my desperate desire to connect that drives it. the soul longs so desperately for a mother's love, to be understood wholly, and cared for unconditionally. i dont need her to like me or be proud of me but i need so badly for her to know me, to pursue the knowing of me, to want to understand even if she never can, to try, to hear what i have to say with an ear open to new ideas. i could do without her love and care if only i had her understanding. even now her love and care is lackluster, it is in practicality only that it presents itself, which is the facet of love i need least, i need warmth and tenderness, and a relaxing environment within which i can speak and feel and enjoy freely from a scornful eye. but she doesnt know that because she doesnt know me, or she does know that somewhere deep down and the dots just need connecting. she has mocked my weakness, my quickness to tears as a child, my closedness as i have become older. it seems idiotic to me that she has not yet considered how she might chage her own behaviour to nuture and assist me in some way. has she ever thought in any metacritical sense about how she may help me? instead of thinking about how she might DO to help me, whether it is the doing of anything that is needed to help me at all.

[seinfieldyaoi]

Having a good social life would alleviate my sadness and my exhaustion and the fact that I often see no purpose in living or waking up or going on social media or drawing or doing pretty much anything. Having close friends that I can have genuine conversations with daily would help me immensely. Too bad it'll never happen because for some reason I am doing something wrong by existing and nobody wants to interact with me because of it, I'm doing something wrong by trying to talk to people, I'm doing something wrong by initiating conversation and asking people questions and trying to make them feel welcome in my presence, enough to crave interaction with me, talking or hanging out or just being around one another for elongated periods of time. I follow almost all of the advice I am given on how to make friends: make it all about them, relate to them, initiate the interaction, be happy and smile, listen to every word they say. But it still disgusts them? The advice that they gave me and give to others disgusts them when I put it into action? People tell me to just talk to people and that it's not that hard-it is that hard for me. The funny part is that I don't even know why it's hard. I don't try to make it hard. I dont not try to talk to people. Thats not the issue. Whenever I try to talk to someone, they get uncomfortable around me instantaneously, even when I put on a smile and a happy voice, make jokes and make the conversation about them and their life, be empathetic with them. I dont know how else to do it. Nobody taught me. I was supposed to be naturally able to make friends, but now that I know that I can't, I know this world isn't built for me. I can't even make friendships with the people who are bad at making friends, too. It's something in my demeanor, in the questions I ask or the way I talk, that makes people not want to be around me. The worst part is that I'm the only one who can't see it. Anyone who watches me talk about how I lack friends and social enrichment doesn't think it goes that deep. They think it's a fatuous complaint about something that isn't true and that I will get over, that really isnt that big of a deal. It goes deeper than I can express. It pummels through my mind and makes it a mental Mariana Trench. The lack of socialization that I exhibit is the sole reason for why I crave sleep every second of the day, why I swim in and out of fits asking myself what the point of my entire life is, why life has become so banal and overcasted for me. It is the golden glow of perfection that I cannot touch. It is the worldly temptation I cannot sink my teeth into; its skin is too tough. And I'll rant about this all day, I can shout at the top of my lungs till the sun rises and falls and the day completes full cycle, but at the end of my bloodcurdling announcements life will go on the way it was. People will talk to the people they like, the people they love, they just won't be me. People will read my lengthy, dolorous monologues about how I'm so lonely and how I'm spiraling and losing my sense of self because of it, but they'll move on almost immediately, as soon as another attention grabber seizes them and I am left to be nothing but words they read on a screen hours or days or weeks ago, that they wouldn't recall unless someone asked them about it. And I'll continue on with my life. I will continue living. I will continue waking up, writing, learning Spanish, scrolling aimlessly, doing drivers ed, driving around town on the same backroads, doing the dishes, posture exercises, drawing, listening to music and fantasizing about a life out of reach, the universe's taunt sent through my own neurons; I'll continue living with this sagging, moldy tumor puckering at the back of my brain, uncurable by even the most intricate and renowned of treatments. It will continue to haunt me and bleed out through the form of text on a screen on an app that will never be thoroughly acknowledged. I will continue living with everything in sync save my socialization habits. I have no other choice.

[edwardcullenisadilf]

Undiagnosed depression.

I see a lot of people on this website talk about the struggles of depression. i think we've all seen at least one post that talks about going to therapy, or antidepressants, or something along those lines. but i never, ever, see anyone talk about the struggles of having depression, but not having it diagnosed.

my whole life, i've always felt this darkness. just lingering in the background of everything that i do. no matter how much im smiling or laughing or having a genuinely good time, as soon as that good time stops, this overwhelming feeling of sadness and despair just washes over me. and this feeling wasnt just "aw boo hoo im sad that was fun" its being sad for absolutely no reason. you dont know why your feeling this way, theres no way to stop it, and that just makes it 10x worse.

i've always known what depression was, but i didnt know the actual symptoms and full definition of it. so, when i finally learned what that was, everything clicked. it made sense now. i felt the chains that wrapped around me loosen. i finally saw a shred of hope.

Before i continue, i want to get a little bit into my history.

the first true depressive state i was ever put in, was when i was 10. my grandma had just died. my grandma and i were really close, and she was like a form of comfort to me. when i got the call.. it was like the darkness came flooding into my mind. everything good seemed to disappear, and my whole life seemed to turn upside down. that started to seep into my self image, and i got really insecure about my body. i wouldn't eat, take care of myself, talk to anyone, and barely even leave my room. Then, my dog died. i still hadnt gotten over my grandma, so this just fed the "darkness" even more. this time, i tried to be okay. it didnt work. since there was a lot going on at the moment my mind was occupied with a lot of other things. here is where the story gets dark. about a year ago, i moved across the country. me and my family drove, so it was an endless cycle of driving, and sleeping in a million hotels. this was when i started struggling with self-destructive actions and behaviors. i took a pocket knife to my arm almost every night, just because i felt it was all i could do. this then repeated when my other dog died, and sometimes just for no reason at all.

After reading all that, you can imagine how happy i was when i FINALLY found the cause for the thing that's been holding me back my ENTIRE LIFE. and then when i finally talk about it... this is the response i got.

"that's not valid"

"you need to be diagnosed. stop faking for attention"

"you dont act depressed"

"you just dont have any friends"

"you're just lonely"

"you're just overdramatic"

"you're just sad"

You're just

sad.

I dont think anyone realizes how crushing, and invalidating it feels to be in SO MUCH pain ALL THE TIME and then being told that you're faking it, or attention seeking, or that you simply dont count. Yes, a professional diagnosis is helpful for some people so that they can get help, and i too want to get a diagnosis so that i can start therapy or take antidepressants. but please, please, PLEASE dont be an asshole and invalidate people that haven't gotten a diagnosis. NEVER say that they are "faking depression" unless you have concrete fucking proof. i never wanted to be depressed. i dont want to be depressed. god, i would give anything not to feel like this, but i just.. haven't been able to do it yet. It's too sides of the same coin, but one is getting help, and the other is not.

thanks.

[spaceteenagers]

There's a voice that pulls me stumbling through a symphony And the less of it I need, the more I get 'Til I'm swept up by the shape of all the centuries Like an echo in the chambers of my chest

heres the au its for! 

so Merlin is a wizard, but lives on his own, in a cottage on the far outskirts of camelot, the Pendragons don’t bother him after he saved the prince and that’s his only friend really, Gaius still lives in the castle and he has so much work so Merlin lets himself turn into almost a hermit unless people ask him for magic or cures or whatever. They’ll pay him back in eggs or vegetables or books or fresh meat every week or money, the price is different and sometimes it’s high and sometimes it’s not but wizards have needs and so does magic and there’s the Lineage to think of. It tends to warn people off of him, they dont stay and talk to him, hes got too much magic and he has a dragon in his house. He keeps bees. Gwen asks this hermit wizard to save her father from a horrible sickness and Merlin agrees, in exchange for 1. She’ll do housework in his home for a year and a day(read: he’s lonely keep him company) 2 first born child for secret Dragon-lord reasons.

First born isn’t terribly out of the ordinary but def the first time anyone in Camelot was asked for it that people remembers, that happens in stories or other places, not Here. Gwen agrees after thinking about it for about 30 seconds. But of course she doesn’t have a sweetheart or anything, but Merlin seems in no hurry to collect and it’s almost a joke for them, when she shows up to read a book with him after picking up all his papers and filing his books back in order. Then she starts asking him down to the village, don’t worry Merlin she’ll make up the extra day at the end, work a bit longer cmon it’s a circle dance! And now Merlin has to make Friends in the Village. Gwen is. Ruthlessly teased by Leon and Morgana, having such a crush on the Hermit Wizard with the big ears. Arthur is just impressed he left his house, he’s been trying but this is a magic universe and he cannot actually make him be a social person. Gwaine would help usually but he travels so much, he doesnt put down roots here. Merlin is, Rooted here. He Lives here. He’s the Wizard. It’s important to him, he didnt think anyone would understand this, Arthur kind of does but its not the same. Gwen loves the land here, as much as he does, she talks to people, she loves her community so MUCH, and shes so good at being friendly and part of things, she helps people so effortlessly. 

She’s been coming every week for well over a year and she only truly scrubs for maybe a quarter of the time, they spend so much time talking or working on different projects, just enjoying each other’s company Merlin asks her about it once: she just looks at him, did you really think I was coming to repay a debt. And Merlin is pushing, just a little, what about your first born, and she’s like oh you can have that you just need to marry me and take me to bed a few times,,,  this is probably set around a time when she hasnt told him she is going to live here now and that she loves him, and he’s trying to make it to the end of this year so he can get used to being alone again and it wont hurt as much when she leaves :) 

[marauders-venting]

Pardon My French

pairing: wolfstar (sirius x remus)

genre: fluff

warnings: none

words: 3556

note: thank you to @ probably_wizardingworld_artist on instagram for helping me translate things into french. also i got some of the lines that sirius says from this website https://www.fluentu.com/blog/french/french-pick-up-lines/

a/n: if you dont speak french (like me) dont look up a translation! everything will be clear by the end of the fic and its more fun if you find out along with remus. i mean, i cant really stop you if you want to translate the sentences but thats just my advice :)

Remus was sitting in the library, a French to English dictionary open on his lap, sighing in frustration as he flipped through the pages. For the past couple of weeks, Sirius had taken to murmuring things in French under his breath and it drove Remus crazy that he didn’t know what they meant. He had asked Sirius on several occasions but Sirius always refused to tell him. But the fact that he didn’t understand the words wasn’t the only reason it drove him crazy when Sirius spoke French. It’s not Remus’ fault that Sirius sounds really hot when his lips curve around the words in “the language of love”.

Remus tries not to think about it but it’s becoming increasingly more difficult because every time they’re alone together Sirius seems to find something to say in French (if only to piss Remus off).

The last time Sirius had said something in French to him had been last weekend. It was the first sunny weekend since the winter and Marlene had suggested that they all go down to the lake for a swim.

Remus’ brain could barely form a single coherent thought from the moment Sirius took off his shirt; he was too busy trying not to stare. He remembered jumping into the lake and trying to get warm by swimming to the far side, away from all his friends. Sirius had followed him to make sure he was okay.

“I’m fine,” he had said, smiling slightly at Sirius. “Just cold.”

“Oh okay,” Sirius said, looking relieved. He had glanced back at their friends before whispering, “On devrait t’arrêter pour excès de beauté sur la voie publique” and submerging his head in the water and swimming back to James, Peter, Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, Mary and Alice. Remus had felt a shiver down his spine that had nothing to do with the cold.

Then there was the time that Sirius had skipped Quidditch practice to visit Remus in the hospital wing after a particularly bad full moon. James, being the captain, had been able to delay the practice so that he and Peter could come to visit as well but they had to practice for the game the following day. James had to be at the practice because he was the captain and Peter had to be there because they didn’t have another Keeper to fill in. But James had given Sirius permission to stay with Remus (which showed just how terrible he felt that he couldn’t stay as well). They watched a bit of the practice from the hospital wing but Remus was getting frustrated, having to stay in a hospital bed for so long. So, after clearing it with Madam Pomfrey, Sirius helped Remus climb all the way to the Astronomy Tower. They sat up there watching the sunset when Sirius said, “Il y a tellement de soleil dans tes yeux que je bronze quand tu me regardes.”

“Ugh, do you make it your life goal to patronize me?” Remus had said.

“Of course, Moony, what else would I live for?”

“Are you ever going to stop doing that?” he asked.

“Probably not,” Sirius had replied, grinning at him. “It’s too much fun.”

“Why do you even bother?” Remus said. “You know I don’t understand a single word of what you’re saying. Why don’t you go talk to someone who speaks French?”

“Because then they’d know what I was saying,” Sirius replied simply. He had refused to answer any more of his questions.

Remus had needed to spend that night in the hospital wing again. All night, Sirius’ voice rang through his head but every time he tried to make something coherent of it, actually words or letters or even sounds, he couldn’t. He could never remember what Sirius had said long enough to actually look it up or ask anyone.

But lately, Remus had noticed that Sirius had been repeating the same sentence in French practically every day. He recognises the sound of the words in Sirius’ mouth.

So today, Remus waited until he was alone with Sirius, waited for Sirius to say what Remus knew he would. And when he did Remus repeated the words in his head a million times until he remembered them. And now Remus was in the library and looking up the words in a dictionary. 

He knew that he could’ve gone to Lily and asked her to translate it for him but he didn’t want to. He knows it’s stupid but he feels like this is something that Sirius is saying to him and only to him. Remus had never heard Sirius whisper in French to anyone else. And as much as Remus pretended to be annoyed by it, he actually liked that he had this with Sirius. He liked that they had something that was just their own. And even though it was probably nothing, he didn’t want to share it with Lily right now.

Chaque jour je tombe plus amoureux de toi. That was the sentence. Remus looked up each word individually and came to the conclusion that he must have heard wrong or maybe the words were spelt differently to how they were pronounced. Because there was no way in hell that Sirius had said these words to him. It was impossible. Right? Remus didn’t know. And he knew that the only way he could be sure was by asking Lily. He had asked Sirius a million times to no avail. And he needs to know what Sirius has been saying to him, especially now that there’s a chance… No, Remus tells himself, you just translated wrong. Don’t get your hopes up. So Remus gives in. He’d rather ask Lily and find out what Sirius has been saying to him every day for the last month than keep this to himself without even understanding it.

“Hey Lily,” he started, getting her attention. Remus had waited until the two of them were alone, just in case he had translated right. Which he hadn’t. He knows he translated it wrong. But he’d still rather nobody knew about it. “What does ‘chaque jour je tombe plus amoureux de toi’ mean?” He fumbled across the words a bit, hearing how terrible his pronunciation was. Lily looked at him, her eyebrows raised.

“Where on earth did you hear that sentence?” she asked.

“I read it somewhere,” Remus lied easily. “So what does it mean?”

“It means ‘every day, I fall more in love with you.’” Remus’ jaw dropped open. “Remus, who told you they’re in love with you?”

“What? Nobody! What makes you think someone said that to me?”

“You said that you read that sentence somewhere but if you had read it, you would have no idea how to pronounce it. Besides the look on your face when I told you what it means is more than enough. So who was it?”

“None of your business,” he said. “But y–you’re kidding, right? That’s not actually what it means. Right?”

“No, I’m not kidding, Rem. That’s what it means,” she replied, laughing at the look on his face. “Come on, tell me who it was.”

“No fucking way,” Remus said. “Besides, they’re probably joking. I mean… no, they’re definitely joking.” Lily shrugged.

“Just ask them,” she said. “And then you have to tell me who your secret admirer is.” She poked him in the side.

“Stooooop,” he said, jumping away from her and laughing against his will. “I’m going.” He got up and started walking away.

“Have fun with your mystery lover,” she called after him without looking back. Remus rolled his eyes but his mind was racing. So apparently he hadn’t been wrong. That was what Sirius had said to him. What does this even mean? He’s teasing you, said a voice in his head, like always. Sirius doesn’t love you. Not like that. But he said he does. Don’t be stupid. Sirius isn’t in love with you. He’s joking. Like always.

The next time Sirius said it, they were in the Room of Requirement. Sirius had ambushed Remus in the middle of his prefect rounds with Lily levitating a cardboard box in midair. Typical. He had practically given Remus a heart attack by interrupting his conversation with Lily, leaving Remus to wonder just how much of the conversation he had overheard.

“So have you talked to your mystery French lover yet?” Lily had teased. Remus groaned.

“No, I haven’t,” he said. “And I probably won’t.”

“Why not?” Lily demanded. “They’re being very romantic, Remus, you should at least appreciate their effort.”

“I’d appreciate it more if they’d just tell me what the fuck they want instead of sending me coded messages that they know I don’t understand,” Remus grumbled.

“Moonyyyyy,” Sirius said, coming up from behind him. Remus jumped, turning around, heart racing in his chest.

“Sirius? What are you doing here?” he asked. “You know it’s after hours, right?” Sirius snorted.

“Yes, Remus, I am fully aware of the fact that I’m breaking a school rule,” he said, smirking.

“Are you aware that technically Remus and I have to turn you in?” Lily said.

“Ah, but do you really plan on doing that, Evans?” Sirius asked.

“That depends,” she replied. “Why are you here?”

“Right,” Sirius remembered, then he turned to Remus. “James forgot to put this box with the rest of the stuff for tomorrow so I said I’d take it. And you’re coming with me.”

“Remind me why again?” Remus said.

“Moony, come on, don’t make me go alone. I’ll be lonely,” Sirius pouted.

“You are insufferable, did you know that?”

“And yet, you’ve tolerated me for 6 years now.”

“Yeah, the keyword there is ‘tolerated’,” Remus said, rolling his eyes. “Lils…” he started, turning to her.

“Nope,” she said before he could even ask. “No way. You are not leaving me to do these rounds alone because then I’ll die of boredom. So unless you want me to tell McGonagall that your planning something for tomorrow, you’re going to finish this floor with me and then I’ll go back to the common room and you can do whatever the fuck you want.”

“Evans…” Sirius pouted.

“Nope, that’s non-negotiable, Black. Also, do I want to ask?” She gestured to the hovering box.

“The less you know, the better,” he said. “Although, I would avoid the classrooms near the dungeons tomorrow if I were you.” She nodded and Remus thought he saw her smile slightly for a second.

“You go on, I’ll catch up,” he said to Sirius, knowing that Lily’s mind would not be changed. He couldn’t blame her. He wouldn’t have let her leave him to finish this chore alone either. She was right, it was painstakingly boring. Which is why he would much rather be with Sirius. But it was only fair that he finished tonight’s rounds with her; she did cover for him around the full moon, after all.

Sirius pouted but knew better than to argue and turned to go to the Room of Requirement. Remus watched him and he disappeared up a flight of stairs. Only then did he notice Lily was smirking at him.

“What?” he asked, sounding a bit defensive.

“So Sirius is your secret French admirer?” she said.

“W–What?” he spluttered. “What makes you think that?”

“Well, for one, the look on your face when he showed up right behind us while we were talking about your mystery lover,” Lily said. “It was the look people make when you’ve just been talking about someone and then they show up and you’re worried that they may have overheard you.”

“That… is a very specific look,” Remus said, avoiding the question she was asking.

“Then you smiled at him when you called him insufferable,” she said.

“So?”

“So it was one of those I’m-smiling-at-you-while-I’m-teasing-you-cause-I’m-secretly-in-love-with-you smiles.”

“Again, that's a very specific expression,” he said.

“Look, I know you like him, so will you just admit it already?”

“Why? What good would that information do you? It’s for me to worry about and for Sirius to never discover, ever.”

“Remus, you’re kidding, right?” she said. “Sirius literally told you that he loves you, in French no less.”

“Exactly, Lily. In French. If he actually meant it, why would he say it in a language that he knows I don’t understand? He just knew that I would look it up and he wanted to make some joke.”

“I really don’t think so, Remus,” Lily said, shaking her head. “I think he really loves you.”

“He doesn’t,” Remus said. “He can’t. Not like that.”

“Remus, do you love him?” she asked. Remus closed his eyes.

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “I love him.”

“So why are you doing this to yourself? Just ask him what he meant when he said it. You don’t even have to tell him anything, just ask him what he meant.”

“But… what if he says it was a joke?”

“First of all, I don’t think he will,” Lily said. “But if he does, that’s what you’re expecting, isn’t it? It won’t be a surprise or anything.”

“I know, I know, I just…” Remus sighed and looked away from her. “I don’t think I’m ready to hear him say it. To be properly rejected.”

“Oh, Rem,” she said. They had reached the end of the corridor and Lily stopped to hug him. “Obviously I’m not going to make you do anything. You know what I think. Go find Sirius now, he’ll be waiting for you. Do what you think is right.”

“Yeah,” Remus said, hugging her back. “Yeah, okay.” So Lily went in the direction of the common room and Remus went to the Room of Requirement.

He found Sirius sitting with his back against the wall, the box beside him.

“You’re an idiot,” Remus told him, trying to put the conversation with Lily out of his mind. “You’re practically begging to get caught.” Sirius shrugged.

“I was waiting for you,” he said. “Come on, let’s go in.” They paced back and forth in front of the wall three times. We need a place to hide our things, Remus thought. A door appeared and Sirius opened it, leading the box in with his wand. They had been here before to hide loads of things. The room was pretty cluttered from years of students dumping their things in it but they knew where exactly to hide the box so that they’d be able to find it tomorrow when they needed it. Remus followed Sirius through aisles upon aisles of junk, looking at all the broken, discarded things people threw in here.

They found the corner where they’d left everything else and Sirius added the box to the rest of the pile.

“Are we done here?” Remus asked.

“Yep, we can leave now,” Sirius said. They had started walking back towards the door when Remus heard Sirius say it from behind him.

“Chaque jour je tombe plus amoureux de toi.” Remus turns to him and stops him in his tracks.

“Pads, why do you keep saying that? Who are you talking to?”

“Remus, you are aware that you’re the only one here right? I’m talking to you.”

“Then why… why are you—?”

“I know, I know, you don’t understand French,” Sirius says. “That’s why it's fun. It’s amusing to know something that you don’t, for once.”

“Sirius… I know what that sentence means,” Remus says quietly. Sirius’ neck snaps up.

“What?”

“I know what that sentence means,” Remus repeats.

“No, you don’t,” Sirius says, shaking his head.

“Yeah, I do. I asked Lily after the last time you said it. She translated for me.”

“Fuck, I didn’t know Lily could speak French,” Sirius says, rubbing a hand over his face. “So… so this whole time you’ve known what I’m saying? So you know that I… you know that I… oh god, Remus I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I didn’t want to… I was just…” Sirius starts to back away, shaking his head and looking anywhere but at Remus. Remus reaches out and grabs his hand.

“Don’t go,” Remus says. “Sirius. Is it a joke? Are you making a joke? Actually, no, don’t tell me. Cause if it’s a joke I’d rather you bury me under all the crap in this room and spare me the pain.”

“What?”

“It’s not a joke, is it?” Remus asked, a pleading look in his eyes.

“No,” Sirius said, softly. “It’s not a joke. I’m sorry, Remus, I didn’t mean to—”

“Shh,” Remus said, pressing a finger to Sirius’ lips. “Sirius,” Remus tucked Sirius’ hair behind his ear. Remus was vaguely aware of Sirius stepping towards him, towards his touch. “I love you, too.” Sirius gapes at him

“Really?” he whispers.

“Yeah,” Remus says. He’s still holding Sirius’ hand. He pulls Sirius closer and lets his other hand graze Sirius’ cheek.

“Puis-je t'embrasser?” Sirius whispers.

“Pads, I… I don’t know what that means.” Sirius lets out a small laugh and looks down at the floor. Then he looks back up at Remus, his grey eyes glistening in the last sliver of sunlight. He’s biting his lip.

“Can I kiss you?”

“Please,” Remus says, without thinking. He feels the blush blooming on his cheeks but Sirius is already kissing him, rising on his tip-toes to make his lips reach Remus’. Remus feels electric currents dancing around his body, unable to contain the excitement. He’s kissing Sirius. Sirius is kissing him back. Sirius loves him. Sirius loves him in the same way that he loves Sirius. Sirius is snaking his hands around Remus’ waist pulling him closer. Sirius’ hair is soft, tangled between his fingers. Sirius is here, in his arms, and it’s everything Remus has been wanting and more.

“Wait, so now can you tell me everything you’ve been saying in French the whole time?” They’re sitting in the same large armchair, hands still linked together, legs tucked against their chests, knees and thighs and hips pressed together. Remus is very aware of every point where his skin is making contact with Sirius’. He’s counting them.

They found the armchair in the Room of Requirement; it’s unclear to them whether the chair is something that’s been dumped in the room by somebody else or if the room conjured it up because they were looking for it. 

Neither one of them wants to go back to the common room yet. Remus doesn’t want to see Lily’s smirk and to have to admit she was right at the moment. He’ll do that tomorrow. Right now, all he wants is to be with Sirius. To press little kisses to his nose, his cheeks, his jaw, his lips just because he can.

“Oh god,” Sirius says, burying his face in between Remus’ shoulder and the back of the armchair. “It’s like you want me to embarrass myself.”

“This surprises you?” Remus kisses the corner of his mouth. Then his jaw. Then his neck. Just because he can. “Please.”

“Ah fine,” Sirius gives in. “Um, what do you want to know?”

“What did you say that day at the lake?” Remus asks.

“Oh that. I said, ‘on devrait t’arrêter pour excès de beauté sur la voie publique’. It means uh… ugh, you’re going to laugh at me for this. It means ‘you should be arrested for excessive beauty in public’,” Sirius said, blushing. Remus rolled his eyes but he felt his cheeks heat too. He smiles a little.

“What about that day on the Astronomy Tower?” he continues.

“Ugh,” Sirius buries his face in his hands. “You’re trying to kill me. I said, ‘il y a tellement de soleil dans tes yeux que je bronze quand tu me regardes’. Which means, uh… ‘there’s so much sun in your eyes that I get a tan when you look at me.’”

“You’re quite the poet, aren’t you?” Remus smiles. “And what about tonight?”

“I thought you said you knew what that meant,” Sirius says. “Or were you bluffing the whole time?”

“No, I know what it means,” Remus says. “I just want to hear you say it. In English this time, please.”

“So demanding,” Sirius teases. “I’ve said it in French a million times already and you want me to say it in English? What difference does it make?”

“Well, none to you, you speak both languages.”

“Oh, alright,” Sirius says. It’s the first time Remus has seen his face really go red. He decides he likes it. “Every day I fall more in love with you.” Remus can’t hide his smile, nor does he want to, as he leans in to kiss Sirius. He brushes his lips against Sirius’ timidly before connecting them, his hand caressing Sirius’ cheek. Remus loses count of the points of contact between him and Sirius as their bodies melt together and Remus worries that he’s about to wake up from a dream. But when he feels Sirius’ hand gently tracing the scars on his hand he knows that this is real, that Sirius can really love him. Sirius does love him.

People come to the Room of Requirement to throw things away, to hide things that they don’t want anybody else to know about, to leave things they never want to see again. But that night, Remus didn’t just leave something in the Room of Requirement. He found something, too.