#and literally on the day my insurance ran out i caught a cold.

[saintlesbian]

love how my shitty health insurance chose THE perfect time to expire. just really impeccable timing

[imzsuzsis-blog]

"On a mixed day, I was eliminated in the sprint race because of something stupid or because of some stupid bastard, I don't know who it was, and I came fifth in the qualification, which made me almost jump out of my skin with joy." In the literal sense of the word 'chill', I woke up today scratching my throat and coughing very hard and my nose was also running, I immediately called Dr. Yin on facetime, who immediately gave me advice on what medicines to take for my sudden cold. I can hope that it's not serious and it's really just a cold and it only lasts for a week, but Kelly also tries to help, she also hears my cough and tells me to leave, but she realized that medical care here is quite expensive, not like over there where they only look at you and it was almost free here, millions fly out the window if you have a cold and you are not insured. "Drink some more, yes, I know it sucks, but you said you were expecting a baby." I sipped it and spat it out again. I hate rose hips and all its creations. I am disgusted and disgusted by it. "Damn you, Will, you know that scabies is blowing rose hips, don't you know anything else?" "That's not what Jon said that it's good to drink for a cold during pregnancy."

"Kuc, cuc, buddy, you cough really badly." "If you hit my back with your fist and the fetus comes out, I'll beat you up right here, like the taxi hour?" "Good, good, I won't even fuck you with my palm, but you became worried, in your second trimester, Lando." "Not only is care expensive here and I have no idea what to do, but the fact is that the baby will not be born in Monaco." I looked at him and he was shaking him head, worried about the baby, and he was right about the birth, I wouldn't leave a million bill here just because of a birth. ,,England?" He was still shaking his head and coughing roughly. "I don't even know, although then my family would be there too." I looked at Oscar with tears in my eyes because I really don't know everything yet. If I choose England, it's not just me. My family will be there, but also Loki, although he said that the mother is dead, he doesn't know his father and he doesn't have a brother like me, but he also said that whether it's my daughter or my son, he wants to be there when it's born, it's a wonderful moment in life.

,,Basket this and that again! Wow, these WAGs can be beaten in basketball. Oh my god Lando!” I threw the ball and ran to him, he wasn't feeling well, he said in the morning that he thought he had a fever, I checked, there was a temperature rise of 37 and a half degrees, not a fever, but it was almost as they said that the pilots were all safe, I immediately took him to the hospital and told him everything. They laughed and said that it is common here in America for a man or a guy of his age to be pregnant, there is nothing surprising about it, they examined him and only received medicines with natural active ingredients and they said herbal evening tea and salt in a warm place. "Loki, don't worry, I'll get better, but believe me, it's a mild cold." He looked at me angrily and frowned, again a cute little boy was my cute little boy. "Lando, you do have a cold, but you're also pregnant. You should take this literally more seriously. It's not a common cold. If there are two of you, you should take care of it." I rummaged in his pocket, then knelt down with a small box in my hand, he caught it in his mouth and burst into tears of joy. "Will you be my husband Lando Norris?" He was still surprised, but he was already nodding and sobbing in joy, believing him ears. "Yes, I will be your husband, I fell in love with you, I love you." I put a ring on him and he fell on my neck sobbing. "I love you Lando." I couldn't believe that I would find the big one so soon in a famous competitor, and from now on I won't be bothered by the gossip magazines, my boyfriend is engaged and we are planning our wedding and he will have a child, well, not from me, but it will happen. "A nest of rumors has started." "Who cares dear, the only important thing is your health and that of your little one." He started to laugh at this, he leaned over and grabbed my chin, he didn't care that everyone was looking at us, he lived or we shared a kiss.

[missdysphoria]

Sorry I haven’t posted much lately, or been messaging much. life has been very difficult. A few weeks ago our neighbors house caught fire in the middle of the night. And ended up burning to the ground. The fire quickly spread to our house, and it burned out pretty badly.

When we realized what was going on we got outside quickly then I took a picture and realized how bad things were. So I ran back inside to look for the kitties. The house was so full of smoke it was hard to see and things were getting very hot and loud there was fire upstairs and in the attic and coming threw the wall. but I still ran threw every room screaming and crying but wasn’t able to find them. I got too scared and tried to go back out the front door but the fire spread faster then I thought and I wasn’t able to use the door anymore. So I went out the dining room window. It was lightly raining and snowing outside with several inches of steaming snow on the ground and it was very cold, so just being in jammies sucked.

The building is still standing but is going to need to be taken to the frame and re built. We lost everything! 😭 If it wasn’t burned it got destroyed by all the water. And what was possibly salvageable got destroyed or stolen by looters. I had to run off looters several times I have been over there. My birthday was the first day I had to forcibly get someone out of my house. I shook for the rest of the day idk why. I did find the cats later that day. they found a safe place to take shelter. They were scared and covered in ash and mud but they are okay. 🥲 I’ve been on the phone so much trying to get insurance going, trying to find a construction team, housing and everything you can imagine. Buying the house was literally easier then dealing with the damages.

I’ve been mentally exhausted and I can’t even cry anymore. I just want to go home 😭😭😭 Sleeping or relaxing has been very difficult, I keep having bad dreams or feeling panicked/scared or like I need to be doing something. The displacement is estimated around 6mo I hope it won’t be that long, I wanna go home.

[imagining-supernatural]

The Morning After

Part 26 of Seventy Percent

Series Summary: When you left on your trip to Vegas, you’d planned on letting loose for one last weekend before heading back to reality and getting your affairs in order so your best friend wouldn’t be left cleaning up your mess when your cancer finally ended your life. What you hadn’t counted on was waking up married to a celebrity who has a knight-in-shining-armor complex, connections with an oncologist, and amazing insurance…

Chapter Summary:  You wake up the morning after the collapse and deal with the fallout of your fight with Sebastian

Word Count: 2,362

Warnings: ANGST. Mentions of past abuse (sexual & physical), mentions of abortion, mentions of murder... literally ALL the angst

Waking up was always hard. The world was so much simpler when you were asleep. Whatever you were dealing with before you fell asleep was so far away in those waking moment, but it never took long for the real world to hit.

This time, the real world came with claws.

Arguing with Sebastian. Confessing to murdering your father. Your head feeling like it was exploding. Losing your sight and then…

Nothing.

“Y/N?” A familiar voice asked. It took a moment to place it as Brenda, your favorite nurse. Once you placed her, you heard the other tell-tale noises of the hospital. The constant beeping of monitors, squeak of wheels as gurneys were rolled out in the hallway, and dull chatter of nurses as they passed your room… “Y/N, are you awake?”

Maybe if you didn’t respond, you could somehow make this become a dream. Because that wasn’t delusional at all.

“Can you open your eyes for me?”

You tried to shake your head, but there was resistance. Something pressing against your head that was never there before, when you woke up in a hospital.

God, what if you opened your eyes and still couldn’t see anything?

What if you opened your eyes and there were cops there, waiting to cuff you and read you your Miranda rights?

“Y/N, I know you’re awake. Just open your eyes for me.”

Well, if either of those options were true when you opened your eyes, you sure as hell deserved both. So what did it matter?

Carefully, you started opening your eyes, flinching when the light hit your cornea and you reflexively shut your eyes again.

“Good, that’s good. Try again.”

It took a few more minutes of coaxing, but eventually you were able to keep your eyes open. By that time, Brenda was joined by Dr. Chowdhury and a woman doctor you’d never seen before. Sebastian was nowhere to be seen.

Honestly, you wouldn’t be surprised if you never saw him again. The next time he came into your life would be in the form of being served divorce papers.

“Y/N. This is Dr. Abara,” Dr. Chowdhury introduced. “She performed your surgery and successfully removed your tumor.”

Hold up.

“What?”

Your doctor offered you a smile. “It is gone. Your cancer is gone.”

“Oh my god.” You’d never heard your voice so shaky. “What—what happened? I don’t remember much—”

Dr. Abara stepped forward. “The tissue around your tumor became inflamed. It wasn’t surprising, considering how long you’ve been on this aggressive treatment. It was, however, monitored closely throughout your treatment. The inflamed tissue pressed against the nerves in your neck and your spinal cord. As a result, you lost vision for a time and you lost consciousness as well.”

“But it’s all good now?” The words were foreign on your tongue.

She nodded. “We will be performing tests and scans over the next week to make sure we got all of the cancerous cells, but we are very optimistic.”

Cancer free. You weren’t going to die. You had a future.

But the question that bounced through your mind as you answered the doctors’ questions and let them give you a brief exam was what kind of future did you really have?

Sebastian had obviously written you off. And you didn’t blame him. Maybe he was just waiting until you were recovered more before calling the cops on you and your future would be spent behind bars. If that was the case, hopefully you could serve your time in the same prison as your sister. At least then you’d have someone who understood.

Just a week ago you’d been excited at the prospect of getting this tumor out and spending your future with Sebastian.

And now?

Well, now every time a shadow cast across the blinds, your muscles tensed. Whenever the doorknob to your room turned, your anxiety skyrocketed. It was just a matter of time before the cops showed up.

What fortuitous timing. As soon as you’re cancer-free, someone finds out the truth about you. They don’t have to feel bad about calling the cops.

Sebastian doesn’t have to feel bad about calling the cops. And it was a part of the deal to get a divorce after the surgery. He has all the excuses—no, no. He has all the reasons he needs to never see you again. They aren’t excuses. He has solid reasons.

It was three hours later when he finally walked through the door. He was careful to be quiet, slowly closing the door. The hesitance was not something you’d ever seen on him. Just knowing that you’d caused it made you shrink into yourself even more.

He turned and straightened up when he saw you were awake. “Hey.”

“Hi,” you managed to eke out after a deep breath.

“How’re you feeling? I assume the nurses or surgeon or Dr. Chowdhury have talked to you. Let you know how everything went.” At his pause, you responded with a shallow nod. “Right. Good. Uh… I wish I could have been here when you woke up, but the surgery took longer than they told me and my agent call—”

“It’s okay,” you whispered, interrupted him.

“No, it’s not. You should have had someone here when you woke up.”

“I’m fine, Sebastian. You don’t have to—”

“I should have been here,” he asserted. “I’m your husband.”

Your eyes fell to your lap and you whispered, “You don’t have to be.”

Your reply obviously caught him off guard because there was silence for a solid ten seconds before he spoke again. “What?”

“Surgery’s over. That was the deal, right?” You massaged your left ring finger, devoid of your ring as an excuse not to look at him. Before surgery, a nurse had removed your rings and given them to Sebastian for safe keeping. It was doubtful you’d ever see them again. “I remember what we were talking about before I collapsed and this is your out. I’ll sign whatever you want me to sign and I won’t blame you for whatever phone calls you want to—”

“Phone calls? What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about…” You scoffed and finally looked up at him. “I’m saying that my sister’s not the only Y/L/N who belongs in jail.”

And a very uncomfortable silence fell over the room.

This was the moment where he finally agreed with you. The moment where he finally realized what a huge mistake it was to not get that annulment back in Vegas.

After what seemed like an eternity, he started moving in slow, measured steps towards the bed you were sat on. “I called Jasmin. After they rushed you into surgery, I figured I should let her know. And we got to talking.”

So you got to lose your husband and best friend all in one day.

It was fitting.

Sebastian sat on a chair after scooting it closer to your bed. “She knows more than you give her credit for, you know. What you said about your dad not being the first person you-you killed… Your first was when you were fifteen, right?”

And your blood ran cold.

“You and Jaz convinced her older brother to let you tag along on a trip to Denver and you managed to slip away for a couple of hours. But you’re a horrible liar, so she was worried about you and followed you.”

“Fuck,” you barely breathed. She never said a word. All these years.

“Y/N… you went to Planned Parenthood.” He reached for your hands, but you reflexively jerked them away. Rather than retreat, he let his hands fall on the bed next to you and looked up at you with wide, clear eyes. “That’s not murder. You were fifteen. Your father was abusive and—”

“Not the father. He never touched me like that.” Why were you defending him? If there was one thing you knew for certain in this world, it was that that man didn’t deserve any kindness. You were coming clean, so you might as well come clean about everything. Good and bad.

You forced your muscles to relax back into the pillow and closed your eyes. “But he gambled a lot. Had a lot of debt. And… and couldn’t always pay up. So, uh, so some of his… friends,” you spat the word. “let him pay his debts another way.”

“God, please don’t tell me…”

Huffing a bitter, humorless laugh, you found yourself pulling the thin hospital blanket further up your body. “Yeah.”

“Baby, I’m so sorry.”

Fuck, he was getting choked up. If you opened your eyes, you bet there would be tears on his cheeks. You didn’t deserve sympathy. “It doesn’t matter how I got into that situation, I still did it. I still got the abortion. And I still killed my dad.”

“It does matter. Y/N, it matters so fucking much. Look at me, please. Baby, I’m begging you.”

“You remember when I told you what that lady from my hometown said when she found out I had cancer?” You refused to open your eyes. “That it was God’s way of punishing me for not adopting my nephews? She wasn’t wrong, exactly. He was definitely punishing me for something, but it wasn’t that.”

“Fucking hell, sweetheart. Will you just fucking look at me!?” The last few words ended in a near-yell, surprising you enough to get you to do just as he wanted. Seeing he had your attention, he sat forward. “Baby, what you went through was horrifying. You reacted how any rational person would and I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you’ve gotta learn to cut yourself a break.” As much as you wanted to interrupt his monologue to let him know he was wasting his breath, you waited for him to finish. You had to know what arguments he had stored in his head if you had any hope of countering them. “Your sister left when you were eight. You were abused since you were eight years old. There is not a single person whose opinion matters that would blame you for any of it.”

“My sister killed her abusive boyfriend. She lived the same abuse I did, and a jury found her guilty. I killed my abusive dad. I don’t really see the difference.”

And he didn’t have an immediate retort to that point.

“You’re not going to change my mind, Sebastian. So I suggest you stop wasting your time.” You kept eye contact for a moment longer before breaking it to slide down on the bed and turn your back to him. “I’m tired. Doctor said I should sleep when my body tells me to. Brain surgery, and all that.”

He didn’t say anything else, nor did he leave. You sensed him sitting back in the chair behind you, but didn’t dare look over your shoulder to see.

It wasn’t a lie, what you’d said. You were tired. And Dr. Chowdhury had told you to listen to your body and rest when you needed it. But… but you just couldn’t seem to go to sleep. For fifteen minutes, the two of you sat in silence. For fifteen minutes, you hoped and prayed that Sebastian would just leave you behind.

For his sake, you hoped he would call his attorney and get divorce papers going. You hoped he would call his PR team and get them to spin a nice tale on why you two were kissing in the airport last week and this week you were signing divorce papers as a Christmas present. A story that wouldn’t hurt his career. That would paint him in a good light.

“Why now?” Sebastian shattered the icy silence. When you didn’t answer, it was like he could sense your confusion. “We were happy. You were happy. The night you were drunk you said…” He trailed off, and your mind jerked back to that night, wondering what you said to him that he would bring up now. But he kept talking and you pushed it away. “And this is a shitload to carry around. Maybe I just read you wrong this whole time, but…”

“You didn’t,” you confessed quietly, staring at the far wall. “You didn’t read me wrong. I did. I… I think that when I refused treatment earlier this year and prepared to, uh, to die, that I convinced myself that the cancer was my-my-my…my sentencing. And that made it easier to accept that I was going to die. And so I just kind of… I skipped ahead and I let it cancel out. I let the cancer bury everything.”

When you fell silent, he continued on for you. “So when the good news finally settled in…”

“With the cancer gone, there wasn’t anything to hold back everything else.” Tears started blurring your vision, but you tamped back the emotion. You didn’t deserve the release of tears. “And I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate everything you’ve done for me because I do. I really do. I know that as soon as I recover and get back to my real life, I’ll be able to cope and push it all down again and I will truly be thankful for you saving my life, but right now all I can think is that you should have left me in Vegas.”

And today set the record for uncomfortable silences between you and Sebastian.

That was, until you heard him move. You assumed he was finally leaving the room, but instead you felt the bed behind you shift moments before he laid down behind you with an arm wrapped tightly around you.

“What are—what are you…”

His arm held you close when you tried pushing away.

“I’m going to hold you until you fall asleep. And you’re going to let me.” You opened your mouth to argue, but he beat you to the punch, repeating your words back to you. “And you’re not going to change my mind, so don’t waste your time.”

“Seb—”

“We can continue this discussion later, but I’ll be damned if I let my wife deal with this alone. Especially after just getting brain surgery.”

“Seb—”

“I’m not leaving you, Y/N.”

More of her past... man. What she had to live through with her father. Why do you think Sebastian is so determined to hep her through everything? Also... CANCER FREE!!

CHAPTER 27: THE CONFESSION

[keshetchai]

personal posting / alcoholic parent mention / medical 

first mentioning that im furious at my primary care for not referring me for a covid vaccine because she can’t...prove i have asthma, because ??? “just because i prescribed an inhaler doesn’t mean you have asthma.” like, ...okay, whatever. thanks.

unfortunately, i do not feel excited for pesach. I actually love pesach. but I love it in person, face to face, at a table of people. i can’t have that. that’s probably for the best because as much as I love pesach, I don’t love a holiday with four cups of wine as a central ritual when my low-contact/estranged father has been an alcoholic for 10+ years now and his poison of choice is red wine. he’s hit the stage where he is dying slowly, but that could last years or months. I don’t know. 

late december he was formally diagnosed with covid-19, when we thought he’d already caught it early on. then after recovering he had a stomach surgery scheduled for a separate issue, and basically the hospital had to stop operating because he was bleeding too heavily as a result of his enlarged liver. they stopped with only a small percent of surgery done, and stabilized him a bit, and then he got transported back to the US. because he basically hit his healthcare limit from private insurance in another country. now he’s on VA stuff. i think they recently discharged him, or will discharge him in san diego. 

his kidneys and liver are failing, in addition to major intestinal issues, his gallbladder needing removing, etc. i mean, he will absolutely die of liver failure if he drinks any more. but relapse is almost an inevitability after forced sobriety while hospitalized. 

his siblings - my aunts and uncle - all finally realize truly how bad it is. my aunt karen is close enough we were able to talk (masked, in person) about why I am extremely low contact with my dad, why I was frustrated my aunts and uncle kept asking me if I’d heard from my dad...etc. because like, I don’t. we talk on birthdays, father’s day, maybe new years, maybe once about my brother. 

i showed her my texts history where it was literally just 

2020 - my birthday, his birthday, question about my brother. 

before that was 2019, i think an exchange about getting me off of his cell phone plan formally. 

i gave her all the sordid details, about his drinking when he had custody visitation with me and my brother, about telling my high school teachers he was not my custodial parent/an alcoholic/unreliable, how there were a serious of fracture points in our relationship that broke it bit by bit until finally in college he spent father’s day weekend trying to convince me to volunteer to kick myself out of his apartment where i’d been sleeping on an air mattress and working as a temp because his second wife decided to rant to him how much she hated me and wanted me gone. how i sent him an email calculating his alcohol expenses weekly and told him he owed me money. a million other little things... and she listened and understood and sympathized and was mad on my behalf. 

but i sent an email informing her siblings also of some of this stuff, about my feeling that my dad needs rehab and that we can’t force him to go, and neither of them responded. and i know it got sent, because karen replied to my email too. 

the other two have been silent. what hurts is that of course, my other aunt A did text me the other day, asking if i could join a family zoom meeting saturday night, with my dad, to check in on him. no response to anything I said about how I feel about my parent who is an addict and slowly dying, lmao. just join a zoom meeting. I had to pry to ask if it was like, going to be an ~intervention~ or something. 

i was so relieved to be able to say “sorry, not this weekend. those are the first two nights of passover, I won’t be available.” i told her i could be there some other evening, but not to hold up everything on my account, even if my dad did ask if i would attend. i pity him, i do. but i can’t help but resent everything done, and what i learned when karen told me he inherited about $40,000 in early 2018? I think? and he’s spent it all. he was working and he still spent it. i know when my mom sued for back owed child support, he settled. I don’t think he paid up in full - which that inheritance might’ve done. 

when my grandmother had lost an eye due to cancer, she also funded his trip to the ukraine to meet some woman. she needed that money to get a glass eye. but delayed it for her son. he ran out of money on this pointless trip and his siblings bailed him out. they’ve been paying for his plane tickets. he continued to ask his dying mother for money, until karen intervened a little, and even then... 

he ran through forty thousand dollars after my grandma died. and didn’t think about anyone but himself with that money. my aunt basically - i mean in nicer words - explained i won’t inherit anything most likely, he probably doesn’t have assets anymore, and i was like, well, yeah. 

...this sounds cold and awful but i have assumed for awhile my dad will die young and also that his siblings will have to pay for the funeral. even if i felt obligated to do something as his first born child -- I don’t have the money for funeral expenses, mostly because of him! 

anyways i’m disappointed my family didn’t acknowledge anything i said, i’m sad pesach is going to be isolated again, i’ve been stressed about dealing with expectations about how i should feel about my dad dying, with digging up old resentment and hurt and having to think about him more than i ever normally do... 

i finally submitted an intake form for the local jewish fam services therapy offerings and they were like “we don’t have openings now, we may in spring” today and i emailed back like “i’m fine waiting, it’s already spring....” time isn’t real anyways!

maybe i should look for other therapists right now but i wanted to go with jfs first lol. just. sigh. 

[buckysforeverprincess]

Same Story, Different Pen

James Barnes/Chase Collins x Reader

Words: 1953

Warnings: Sad James/Chase

A/N: Hey all! I’m back with the second installment of the James Barnes/Chase Collins crossover. The title says it all. I felt we needed to hear from James/Chase. I got more planned, just have to find the time to get it written Hope you all enjoy and thanks for reading! ❤️❤️❤️

GIF by @erikisright​

Five years had passed since he last spoke to her and time had not been nice to him. Gone were the pretty boy looks he’d once used to charm the literal pants off her and in its place, he looked more like he was approaching middle age. The change was so drastic, she hadn’t recognized him when he approached her today and it was a punch to his gut. The love of his life no longer knew who he was.

 Chase had been keeping an eye on his girlfriend and son for the past year. Well, it was more or less stalking, watching their every move and making sure they were okay and wanted for nothing. He’d always known where they were, using his magic to locate them, and was surprised to find them closer to his location than expected. Only over the course of the last couple of months did he decided it was time to show himself to her. To let his presence be known.

 He’d followed them, like usual. Saw them leave the apartment building and walk to the park, the two of them holding hands and unsuspecting of his presence. His cold heart ached for them, his love and his son. They were nothing but smiles as they made their way down the crowded street and to the park and he desperately wanted to be a part of it.

 The warmth they shared made him long for a time when they could be together as a family, exchanging loving looks and walking hand in hand. Chase yearned for it, to spend time with them while he still could but was unsure of just how well his resurrection would be perceived and he was living in borrowed time. With each passing day his looks changed, and he grew older. It was only a matter of time before he’d leave this life for good, leaving the people he truly loved behind.

 When the pair arrived at the park, he watched his son like a hawk as he let go of his mother's hand and ran over to the slide to play with the other children. Chase was sure the boy didn’t know any of the kids hanging around but that didn’t stop him from running right up and making friends, the others accepting the brown-haired child like they’d always known him. Chase couldn’t help but smile and feel a pang in his heart. His son was just as outgoing as he was, and it warmed him to think he’d got more than just his looks from his father.

 Reasoning his son was fine, his eyes gravitated to the bench his love sat on, watching their child playing with the other kids. Chase could feel his pulse accelerate as he stared, caught up in her beauty and grace. She’d glanced over in his direction but turned away, quickly focusing back on her child so she wouldn’t miss a thing, smiling and waving when they made eye contact with each other. Chase knew, no matter what life threw her way their child was her priority and she’d always be an amazing mother.

 As he continued to watch, Chase figured it was now or never and he stood from the bench he had occupied and began to walk over to the love of his life. The sky began to darken, and he stopped, knowing it was his magic causing the shift in the atmosphere. Damn him! His powers had grown so much that even a negative thought could make something change or shift, and in this moment, he needed the sun shining if this was going to work. On the flip side, the dark clouds could signify an omen… his rejection. Chase didn’t know if he could suffer another heartbreak and the loss of losing them both again.

 Chase only moved when he concluded she was lost in thought, her head looking up towards the sky. His eyes were focused on her while he closed the distance and sat down beside her without making a sound.

 “It’s not going to rain.” His voice is low and ragged from the lack of use and he knows he startled her. Chase kept his head forward, not wanting to make eye contact or show his face to her, trying to get a read on the situation.

 “Are you a meteorologist? Got the inside scoop on what’s in store with the weather?”

 It was a joke, or her attempt at humor. She was tense and rightfully so. It wasn’t every day a man sits next to you and makes small talk. In this day and age, people kept to themselves and allowed for as little contact as possible. His love had every right to be skeptical of the man taking up space on the bench next to her. In her mind, there was no telling what his intentions were.

 “You're a good mom… I’m sorry you had to go through so much on your own.” The words were out before he could stop them, and he knew at that moment he had fucked up.

 “Do I know you?”

 Chuckling, he faces her. His eyes lock onto hers and he can feel the intensity of her stare but doesn’t answer her question. It wasn’t that he wanted to avoid it and lie, he just wasn’t ready. This wasn’t the time and the place for full disclosure, and he couldn’t risk being honest and watching her take their son and run away. Chase would have to play this smart and let the wheels in her head spin and make the connection to who he was on her own.

 “Forgive me,” he holds out his hand in offering, “I’m James. James Barnes.” The alias he’d been using rolls off his tongue with ease.

 She stares at him, like she’s searching for something within him. Chase knows he looks nothing like the eighteen-year-old boy he’d once been with the baby face. He was young and carefree once and she loved his soft features and playful smile, but that wasn’t the person he was anymore and in front of her was a middle-aged man with some very adult wrinkles and a graying beard. There was no way in the world she’d recognize him like this and not a chance in hell she’d believe him if she told her who he really was.

 “I don’t bite.” Chases’ eyes move between his hand and her face, a silent plea for her to take. She just stares at it and he can sense the gears shifting in her head. The love of his life doesn’t trust him, smart woman. He can tell she’s at war with herself and because she can’t figure it out, she does the one thing he hoped she wouldn’t do. Chase shakes his head when she grabs her purse and quickly stands, hurrying to put some distance between the two of them. Fuck! This is not how he’d played things out in his head and he was hoping for a better response than running away from him.

 “Y/N!” Chase yells making her stop and looks back at him. He couldn’t tell if it was fear or curiosity staring back, but he’d called out her name without thinking of the consequences of what that might do. His gut was telling him explaining this away wouldn’t be easy and she wouldn’t give up without answers.

 “Who are you and how do you know my name?”

 That was the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question now, wasn’t it? If he told her who he really was, game over. She’d run. Chase knew she’d disappear without ever looking back. And who’s to say she wouldn’t end up back in Ipswich and telling those four fuckwads he was still alive? Right now, he was off their radar and he’d like to keep it that way. There’s no way he could tell her the man she once loved and shared a child with was standing in front of her wanting to make things right. No, today’s not the day for that.

 James shrugs and gets up from the bench and slowly makes his way to where she stands. “I don’t understand. Why Brooklyn? You could’ve gone anywhere, any place in the world. Why here?” He was doing his best to avoid answering her. He could play the distraction and omission game all day long if it meant not sharing his deepest secret.

 “You… you didn’t answer my question. Who are you and how do you know my name?”

 Of course, she wouldn’t give up. Chase knew she was stubborn and headstrong. It’s one of the many reasons he fell for her in the first place. She was a firecracker and once that fuse was lit, she wouldn’t stop until she either got what she wanted, or she went bang. He was trying not to make the former or the latter happen. Not today, devil.

 James takes a chance at distraction and leans in to her ear. So close he knows she can feel his breath on her skin. “I told you… my name is James Barnes… and you have something that belongs to me,” he says low and soft, almost like a whisper.

 “I-I… I have nothing… please, let me go.”

 Chase can’t help but laugh. He’s not holding her and definitely isn’t prohibiting her from walking away if she really wants to. If she had her wits about her, she’d know she’s the one holding all the power. Chase is at her mercy and is the one who should be begging her for absolution.

 “Is that what you want… to go? I let you go once… I don’t intend to make that mistake again.” Chase knows he’s practically giving himself away, but he needs her to make the connection on her own. He can’t divulge who he is without her freaking out. The warlock knows it’d be better for all of them if she’d look past the face fuzz and the gray hair and figure out just who was standing in front of her.

 “Mom!” The sound of his son’s voice pierces his ears, gaining his attention. God, seeing his son up close is like looking in a mirror, his own reflection staring back at him. Chase wants nothing more than to scoop him up and hold him close, never letting him go.

 Chase stands watching the interaction between mother and son, desperately wanting to be involved, but he can’t. Today was about appearing before the love of his life, trying to ease her into knowing. It was up to her to connect the dots and see the big picture. It was apparent he’d have to give her a little more push than he’d originally intended.

 “Here young man…,” he takes an envelope from his pocket and hands it to his son, a little insurance plan he’d already planned out, written by him prior to leaving his own house. “I’ll be seeing you soon, Y/N.” As soon as his son takes it, he starts to back away, but not before leaving a parting gift for one of them to find.

 Chase was able to disappear without being seen, using his magic when he was far enough away to leave without a trace. He didn’t stick around to see the end result and how she reacted to the letter, he couldn’t. The only part left of his heart was broken and he wasn’t sure how or if it could ever be repaired. It’d been five years and he regrets ever letting his greed and lust for power control him. How in the hell would he ever win the love of his family… and could he do it before it was too late?

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[chimilkie]

highest of highs

pairing; jeongguk x reader

genre; angst + fluff

summary; after he almost kills your ass after you leave work over a piece of chicken, you decide taking him home is a good idea.

warnings; strong language ?? does there need to be a warning for that?? aggressive, like rlly aggressive guk in the beginning

an:// fuckkkkk this gif ;)) also, i feel like it’s safe to point out that sometimes i spell his name jungkook and sometimes i spell it jeongguk,, i haven’t decided which one i like best yet (and probably never will, considering i’m already three years into this bangtan shithole :0 )

life wasn’t the best for you at the moment. but really was it ever good for anyone? you had began college a mere two years ago and were currently diving in a pool of debts on your apartment and your insurance. you had classes in the mornings, were working through the afternoon and then into the nights, and you spent most of the hours after midnight working on all the ridiculous assignments that needed to be completed even though they had nothing to do with your major. sleep was a rare case, but it was helpful when you finally managed to get some.

work hadn't been kind to you today, with angry customers yelling at you over a mistake the chef had made and drinks "accidentally" being spilled on you more than a few times by the one coworker who seemed to hate you more than anything. you just wanted to get home and maybe make yourself a quick meal of cup noodles before falling asleep.

it wasn’t till another ten minutes later that you realized you didn’t HAVE cup noodles at the apartment. or anything else for that matter. with that thought in mind and a roll of your eyes, you turned around and made your way back towards the market a few blocks down.

you didn’t have much money to spend, as your last paycheck went towards rent and the water bill. the market was practically empty when you made it there and the doors were held open with shopping carts, letting the winter air sweep into the front of the building.

you quickly made your way to the produce in the back and grabbed the freshest looking chicken you saw. you ushered out of the building after paying for your meal, not even bothering with small talk as the women at the cash register didn’t seem all that interested either.

you wrapped the bag around your wrist, stuffing your hands into your coat pockets to prevent yourself from getting frostbite and practically dying at the thought of the 15 minute walk ahead of you.

there was a rather large crack in the sidewalk ahead of you so you cut around it, resulting in you walking closer to a dark alley than you would have originally wanted. the closer your feet came to the edge of the large shadow, the more weary you began to feel.

and the sudden bone-chilling growl that echoed into the cold night didn’t necessarily help. you froze, turning to stare into the darkness with eyes as wide as saucers. you frowned, beginning to shuffle backwards before something lunged out and grabbed you roughly, slamming you back against the wall of the alley. you yelped as your head hit the brick and you instinctively raised your hands to push against the strangers chest. your eyes quickly adjusted and you were immediately able to make out the floppy black dog ears atop his head.

"p-please, i didn’t mean to intrude... i was just trying to-" you managed to stutter out before he growled and his gaze shifted quickly down to your dinner around your wrist. he immediately went to grab it from you but you snatched it back towards yourself and lifted your hands once more to his shoulders to try and shove him away. you managed to shove him back a few feet so that you could stumble back into the light on the sidewalk.

he glared at you, not daring to step out from the alley where you could potentially scream to gain the attention of a nearby hybrid catcher, who would probably illegally sell him to a rich man who would only want the dog for his body. you began to walk back preparing to turn and run when you took a good look at the boy in front of you. he looked quite strong, but he obviously hadn't eaten in awhile.

he huffed and seemed to visibly give up, turning away from you and beginning to walk back deeper into the alley. you frowned before scurrying a little closer and placing the bag of chicken on the ground. he stopped, turning to you with a glare before it slightly softened when he saw the chicken being offered to him. you didn't wait to see if he'd take it, you just turned to jog in the opposite direction.

when you finally made it back home, you slammed the door shut behind you before leaning back against it and holding your hand to your chest. you no longer had a dinner, but you were more focused on the fact that a hybrid almost just ripped your throat out over a bag of goddamn chicken.

the next day work and classes went by quicker than they ever had before. you could barely focus on anything other than the stray you had come across the night before. how long had he been there? had he eaten the chicken you left for him? you frowned, shaking your head to think about things that actually needed to get done the next few days.

you didn’t get paid till after the weekend and you were already running way too low on money. your friendly coworker was nice enough to give you a ride how after both of your shifts ended considering it had started to snow heavily. "thank you wooyoung." you smiled him, wrapping him in a quick hug before shutting the car door and jogging up the front steps of your apartment building. you turned to him and waved after scanning your keycard, before turning and making your way through the lobby. you smiled politely at the young security guard and he grinned back.

"evening miss y/n. i’m hoping you had a ride here? it’s getting pretty bad out there." he commented tossing you one of the lollipops from the glass bowl on the front desk.

"ah, yes. wooyoung-ah was kind enough to drive me here from work." you caught the pop and pocketed it.

he nodded. "very well, then. have a good night miss."

you laughed softly and threw up your hand in a quick wave. "you as well, jiwon-oppa."

once you had changed into some cute christmas pajama pants, you microwaved yourself some quick cup noodles that you had found in the back of your cabinet. while you waited for it to heat up you moved towards your small living room. you gripped the red fabric of your curtains before tugging them open and physically feeling your heart drop.

it was practically a blizzard out there in only a matter of minutes and the first thing your mind went to was the hybrid from the night before. was he still out in this? you didn’t stand there any longer to think about it. you turned, slipping on the slippers next to your couch and grabbing the coat from the rack next to you door.

you yanked it over your shoulders and bolted down the stairs, not even bothering to wait for the elevator to reach your floor. once you reached the ground floor, you shoved the staircase door open and ran across the lobby. "miss y/n! where are you going?" you heard jiwon yell out from behind you. you turned to face the young man after reaching the front door.

"i’ll be back soon jiwon-oppa! i just have to run a quick errand!" you called, not waiting for the reply before pushing the door open and racing towards the alleyway where you had the altercation with the hybrid the night before.

you hadn't realized how truly cold it was outside until you were running down the inches of snow on the sidewalk in only your bunny slippers - which had turned out to be a horrible idea now that your feet were already freezing and wet.

you had made it to the alleyway in no time sliding to a stop in front of the entrance. you didn’t waste any time, as you knew the longer you stayed out here with barely enough layers on the sicker you would end up. "hello?" you called, tentatively stepping into the darkness. you glanced around a dumpster that was blocking most of the alley only to see nothing behind it.

you were on the verge of turning and quickly making your way back home when you heard something crash and fall farther down the alley. you froze, before slipping around the dumpster and making your way towards a bunch of garbage cans pushed together to make a wall of some sorts. you moved around the cans and stilled when you noticed the hybrid curled into a ball and leaning back against the brick wall.

his eyes locked with yours and a loud growl left his lips. he stood, leaving the safety of the cans and stalking towards you. the closer he got, the more he came into focus. his cheeks and nose were stained a flushed pink and there was snow piling up on his dark black hair.

he grabbed your forearm and shoved you back against the stack of cardboard. another growl left his throat and his glare hardened. "what the hell are you doing here?" he demanded baring what looked like bunny teeth with two sharp canines shining threateningly.

"i-" you got choked up, eyes flicking around the alley trying to find words to say. what had you planned to do? take him home with you? what would you even do then? you didn’t know how to care for a hybrid, much less one who literally wanted to rip your throat out the first chance he got. "it’s really cold out here. and i-it’s snowing really bad. and i was home and thought about you i guess... and i wanted to know if you were still out here i guess."

he scoffed and snapped his jaw at you in defense. "well i’m still out here, girl. you can head home now."

you shook your head and stood you ground. you tried to push him back but failed, only resulting in him tilting his head at you as if requesting you to challenge him. "no, i... i want you to come with me."

he barked out a humorless laugh and threw his head back. "i’m sorry?"

you clenched your hands into fists, and tried to ignore how cold your feet and ankles were. "you can’t stay out here on your own, you need to be inside during the storm. at least take my bed for the night and i’ll take couch. i can’t let you freeze out here, which won’t take long considering what you’re wearing."

the hybrid only had on a pair of black hospital sweatpants and a wet hoodie that he must've stolen from a street shop. he rolled his eyes and turned away from you with a chuckle. "go home, human. i don’t need help from your kind. get out of here before i realize how hungry i am and rip your goddamn throat out."

you stopped, debating your options here. you could continue to pester him and possibly risk him murdering you or you could leave and have him weighing on your conscious. "no!" you cried, you stomped forward and grabbing his shoulder attempting to yank him to fake you. "please. please come with me, you’re going to get hypothermia and that’s if pneumonia and frostbite don’t get to you first. you’re going to freeze just come with me." you begged, grabbing his hand with the one that wasn’t holding his forearm.

he glared, his eyes remaining hard as he eyed you up and down. "you try to turn me in, you call any authority, and you won’t live to tell them about me."

you nodded, releasing a shaky sigh before pulling him behind you. "okay, i won’t. i promise. but come on please, my toes feel like they’re about to fall off."

it took you awhile to get there, trying to navigate your way through the literal snowstorm you were stuck in and also trying to keep more snow for compacting into your slippers. you pushed the door to the lobby open, pulling the hybrid in behind you.

"y/n, thank god i was so worried-" jiwon began but then froze when he saw the growling boy behind you. the man wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you into him tightly keeping his hard eyes on the security guard. "uh... you want to... explain?"

"um..." you faked a yawn, throwing your arms in the air dramatically before grabbing the hybrid's wrist and pulling him after you. "i would love to but i am just SO tired and i’ll have to get back to you on that." you rushed to slip you and the young man into the elevator before hurriedly pressing the seven button repeatedly.

you let out a breath of relief and leaned back against the wall as you watched the numbers tick up as you passed certain floors. you led him out once the doors opened and made your way to the front door of your apartment, slipping your keycard into the slot next to the handle.

once you opened the front door, you were smacked in the face with the hot air from your heater. you listened to the hybrid behind you let out a long breath of relief. "okay, um. i’ll get you a towel and show you to the bathroom so you can shower if you want. you like cup noodles right?" you rushed out, turning to face him once you locked your door and slipped off your slippers and coat.

he glared and backed up once he realized how close you both were. "i’ve never had them." he huffed out.

"oh... well while you take a shower i’ll heat some up for you and set up my bed." you turned to the hallway closet to get a towel for him when you heard him grunt.

"i’ll take the couch."

"no. no, no, no, no, no." you shook your head not even bothering to face him. "i’m not letting you take the couch. besides, i rather like to sleep on the couch. that way i can fall asleep to the television."

he didn’t say anything else after that and you were rather happy about that. after you showed him how to work the shower and what products were for what, you made your way to the kitchen to reheat the noodles for him. it wasn’t long before he made his way into the kitchen with only a towel around his waist. you squeaked when you noticed, quickly rushing out of the kitchen.

"eat those noodles!" you called over your shoulder. "i’ll get you something to wear while you do."

you rushed into your room, looking for the clothes that your best friend's hybrid had left here the last time he slept over. you were glad namjoon had decided to leave a pair of sweats and a shirt - as you were sure the man in your kitchen wouldn’t enjoy joon's usual matching silk pajamas that seokjin insisted on spoiling him with.

rushing back to the kitchen, you watched as he shoveled down the last of the noodles with a content sigh. "hey." he jumped slightly and whipped around to face you, his usual glare settling on his face. "sorry, uhm, here i found you some stuff to wear."

he stood and made his way to you. he leaned down, pressing his nose into the crook of your neck and rubbing gently. he pulled back after a few seconds and grabbed the clothes from your hands before turning towards the direction of your bathroom to change into the set of clothes.

once the bathroom door closed, you rushed to your phone at the counter and quickly dialed seokjin's number.

"hello?" a groggy voice broke through. namjoon.

"hey, joonie! is jin there?" you asked, clutching the phone with both hands.

"not yet, he got snowed into the studio with hobi and yoongi-hyung." he answered. "what did you need?"

"um... well, hypothetically, let’s say a hybrid presses it’s nose to your neck and like rubs? i guess? what does... what does that mean?" you questioned, shuffling your socked feet back and forth against the tiled floor.

namjoon chuckled mischievously on the other side of the line. "it’s called scenting, y/n. it’s like claiming something as yours without voicing it."

"o-oh." you blushed before hearing the bathroom door open. "i have to go, goodnight joonie!"

"have fun!" you faintly heard him cry before you hung up.

"who was that?" you heard him snap roughly from behind you.

you jumped and shrieked before whipping around to face him with a hand on your chest. "oh my god, you scared me. it was my friend, joon. the hybrid that those pajamas belong to. i was asking him if seokjin had arrived home yet."

he nodded before dumping the broth from the noodles into the sink and throwing the empty cup into the trash can. "what's... what’s your name?" you asked him quietly, looking down at your fingers. when he didn’t reply for a good minute you spoke again. "mine is y/n."

it was silent for another few moments before he began to walk down the hall again. "jeongguk." he called quietly over his shoulder before walking into your bedroom and closing the door.

you grinned to yourself. "jeongguk." you repeated just to see how it would roll off your tongue.

the next morning you woke on the couch with the television still on and the curtains pulled closed. you stood up with a yawn while stretching your arms above your head in a stretch. you reached out and shut the tv off before pulling the curtains open with a quick yank. the sky was dark with grey clouds yet the world was covered in a beautiful blanket of snow.

"your bed is really comfortable." you jumped and whipped around to face the young man leaning against the frame of the kitchen doorway.

you smiled and clasped your hands together awkwardly in front of you. "thanks, i guess."

"i’ll be out in a little bit. just let me change into my clothes and i’ll head out." he announced before turning away from you.

"wait." you blanked, rushing forward to grab his hand once more. "where will you stay?"

he shrugged. "i don’t know. but it’s not snowing anymore, i should be fine."

"stay here." you immediately suggested. you told yourself it was because you couldn’t let it weigh on you that you just let him leave. but you were lonely. and you liked him, and wanted to break through his shell and get to know what he was really like. "jeongguk, please."

"why are you begging me? i don’t need your help and i don’t need to be owned by some chick with a hybrid kink." he growled ripping his hand from your grip and walking hurriedly towards your room.

"what? no!" you cried in frustration and threw your hands up in annoyance. "jeongguk, listen. i’m begging because you can’t live out there. if you don’t freeze, you’ll starve. and if you don’t freeze or starve, you’ll be caught and sold. i wouldn’t own you, we'd be equals. this would be your house just as much as it is mine. you’d be free to do as you wanted, just without the threat of everything outdoors."

"deciding when i eat?" he confirmed, raising an eyebrow at you.

"deciding when you eat."

"deciding when i shower?"

"deciding when you shower."

"deciding what i wear around the house?" he smirked, reaching for the hem of his shirt to begin to pull it upwards.

"oh my god!" you rushed to grab the hem of the shirt and hold it down. "within reason, of course!"

he raised his eyebrows before nodding and turning. "okay well, i get the bed."

"what?" you cried, not ready to permanently give up your bed for the couch.

he suddenly turned around once more and walked towards you in a few long strides. "unless, of course..." he leaned in, pressing his nose to your neck once more and gently rubbing. "you want to share the bed with me."

"w-what are you doing?" you stuttered out, face pink with the blush fighting to stain your cheeks.

"nothing." he pulled back suddenly with a smirk, canines poking out from behind his lips. "just making a suggestion."

weeks passed on like that. you took the couch, not wanting to push your boundaries and actually sleep in your own bed with the hybrid that threatened multiple times to end your life. eventually, he opened up to you more.

he no longer growled when you sat next to him on the couch unannounced and he wasn’t jumpy anymore. you could even go as far to say that you both trusted each other quite a lot. one afternoon you walked into your room to see him curled up under your blanket with your phone clutched in his hand. "gukkie?"

"hmm?" he hummed as you laid down next to him, on top of the covers.

"what breed of dog are you?"

"rottweiler." your mouth dropped in realization. now you understood the broad shoulders and how he was still strong when you first met him despite being starved almost half to death.

you nodded and rested your head back against your pillow, curling your legs upwards and getting comfortable. classes had been cancelled thanks to yet another snow storm, but you still had work that night. "gukkie, can you set an alarm for 4 so i wake up when it’s time for work?"

"course." you heard him mumble before he fumbled with your phone so more. you didn’t try to listen much more after that, you just closed your eyes and let sleep slowly overtake you once more.

when you woke up again it was dark and way later than 4 o'clock. your phone was on the night stand, lighting up repeatedly and letting out multiple dings at a time.

you went to sit up and check it, only to realize you couldn’t move. jeongguk was now laying on top of the covers as well but on his back. one arm was thrown over you as if to hold you down and the other one who bent up and tucked under his head.

you frowned, before grabbing his wrist and lifting the arm off of your body. you rushed to grab the phone only to realize it was 7 at night and you had multiple texts from wooyoung and a single voicemail from your boss.

you listened to the voicemail before anything else only to feel your heart drop to the pit of your stomach. you were fired. this couldn’t be happening.

"oh my god." you mumbled, standing and rushing out of the room.

you rushed to dial yoongi's number, hoping he hadn't muted it during his studio session. much to your surprise, he answered on the third ring. "what’s up, y/n?"

"yoongi." you cried into the speaker, already feeling the first few tears leaking down your face.

"what’s wrong princess?" he demanded, seeming much more alert to the situation now.

"i-i fell asleep earlier, me and jeongguk both overslept and i missed work. and my boss called and said my work hasn't been satisfactory lately and that it was unacceptable to skip work without calling out. a-and i don’t know what to do yoongi-oppa! i couldn't even pay bills with the job, what am i going to do now?" you sobbed, covering your mouth with the palm of your hand so you wouldn’t wake gukkie in the room over.

"calm down babe, it’s alright. we'll figure things out. maybe you can help out at hobi and jiminie's dance studio. maybe eve seokjin-hyung can get you a job at his office. we'll figure it out y/n." his soothing voice filled your ears and you nodded, attempting to wipe the endless stream of tears from your cheeks.

"i’m sorry, i’m sorry i panicked. i just don’t know what to do and this is just so overwhelming."

"i know, but it’s okay. you know the boys and i will help if it goes too downhill. and taehyung will always be happy to take jeongguk off your hands until everything is better." you whined slightly at the idea of letting taehyung and jimin take jeongguk from you while you attempted to stand back on your own two feet. "yeah, i know. let’s not separate you two, yeah?"

"yeah." you laughed softly, brightening up a little at the thought of the hybrid currently sleeping in your room.

"i’ll talk to seokjin-hyung and taehyung in the morning, okay? for now, why don't you and guk get some sleep okay?"

"okay. love you yoongi." you whispered.

"love you too, kid. talk to you soon." and with that, you both hung up. you weren’t alone for long however, within moments jeongguk's arms were wrapped around your waist to hold you back against him.

"i’m sorry." he mumbled, rubbing his nose gently against your neck. "i fell asleep before i could set the alarm. i didn’t mean to."

you leaned back into him and tilted your head to the side to allow him to continue to scent you. "it’s okay, gukkie. you didn’t mean to."

he turned you around quickly so that you were still pressed against him. he frowned as he scanned your face for any anger or disappointment. his eyes landed on your lips, and they didn’t move after that. "can i... can i kiss you?" he whispered finally flicking his gaze up to meet yours.

"yeah..." you nodded, grabbing the sides of his neck to pull him down to meet you. his lips were soft against yours and you let out a soft sigh as you felt his arms wrap tightly around your waist.

when you pulled back his eyes had glazed over and he was looking at you in a kind of daze. "thank you. for taking me in that night, i mean. and for letting me stay now."

you rolled your eyes and grinned up at him. "thanks for threatening to rip out my throat, tough guy."

he scoffed before lowering his nose to your neck once more and continuing to scent you once more.

"what’s the point of that anyway?" you knew, of course you knew. but you wanted to hear him admit that he had been doing it since the very beginning.

he smiled against the skin of your neck, leaning closer to press a few kisses around the area where he always scents you. "i’m scenting you. it’s like claiming something."

"you’re claiming me?" you asked, not really expecting him to have been that blunt about it.

"of course. how else do i make sure jimin and hoseok know to back off?" he muttered with a roll of his eyes.

"jimin's mated!" you laughed, holding on to his shoulders for good effect. "so is hoseok!"

"really?" he questioned with a confused tilt of his head. "to who?"

"jiminie and taehyungie have been mated since taehyung parents adopted jimin when they were 16. and yoongi and hoseok mated around two years ago when yoongi saved hobi from a fighting ring." you tilted your head at him, with a small smile.

"oh... i didn’t know they already had mates." he admitted sheepishly.

you giggled, shoving his shoulder lightly before turning to walk down the hall towards your room. "let’s go to bed. tomorrow i have to figure out what to do about the job situation."

he followed after you, seemingly deep in thought. "you know... i want you to be my mate."

you practically choked on your own tongue, turning to face him almost as soon as he said it. "really?"

he nodded and shot you a shy smile before walking around the bed towards the right side. he lifted the covers and slipped underneath, patting the spot next to him. "you coming?"

you grinned and flipped the switch to shut the lights off before making your way to the bed. you slipped underneath the heavy covers and immediately scooted as close to the man as possible. "we'll figure it all out in the morning, i promise." he mumbled into your hair.

you nodded and intertwined your fingers with his. you reached up gently played with one of his floppy ears. you ignored the way he smiled up at you and continued running your fingers through his hair. "okay, sleep well gukkie."

he chuckled and rubbed his thumb against your own before lifting your hand to his lips so that he could press a gentle kiss to your knuckles. "you too babydoll."

[pcttrailsidereader]

Four Months Alone of the PCT

I posted this on this website about six years ago and just recently re-read this interview from a blog called ‘The Hairpin’.  The interview, with Myla Fay, a 25-year old thru hiker, is a good read and I thought worth re-posting.  My favorite story was her account of the hiker who found chapstick on the ground and used it to counter crotch chafing. A few minutes later a woman walked by and asked if anyone had seen her pina colada chapstick. From that point forward his trail name was “Penis Colada.”

Myla attended Carleton College in Northfield, Minnesota as did my daughter … which came to light when I forwarded this interview to my daughter as part of my desire to have her hike a section of the PCT several summers ago (which she did join me for a lengthy stretch).

By Jia Tolentino

How did you get into long-distance hiking? I grew up in Maine and spent a lot of time outside, and when I was a kid, we went up to Blue Hill every summer to hike and swim, camping in Baxter State Park and backpacking in the White Mountains. And in high school I did some incredible trips with the Chewonki Foundation: one was a 400-mile white-water canoe trip that ended in the tiny Inuit village of Kangiqsualujjuaq in northern Quebec. I always liked the outdoors, and backpacking felt like a good fit. I was also always interested in long-distance hiking as a more structured way of traveling. I spent a summer alone in India once and felt overwhelmed by all the decisions and planning involved in traveling. With hiking, your trip is organized around managing food and water and covering distance, and there’s less of an expectation for fun and relaxation. I like the part of backpacking that’s monotonous and challenging. How long had you been thinking about hiking the PCT before doing it? I heard about the PCT my senior year in college, but during and after college I was focusing on school and work: I worked as a designer in Minneapolis and New York, which I liked. Then I wanted to work on my own projects, so I moved back to Maine and set up a printmaking studio in the basement of a rural Zen Center. But it’s difficult to make any money from printmaking and it’s also difficult to live and work in isolation. I felt unsure about what I wanted to do, so I made a list of things I never regret doing. I realized that I never regret spending time outside, traveling, and challenging myself, so I decided to hike. I don’t think any 90-year-old would look back on life and regret hiking the PCT. Did you know you wanted to go alone? I might have considered it if I had known someone willing to drop everything and go hiking for four months. But I liked the idea of hiking alone anyway. Being alone is wonderful because you never have to compromise. If I felt like swimming all day, that’s what I did.

How long did it take to get ready? I only had about three months to prepare. Most people spend around six to 12 months getting in shape, dehydrating food, and planning. For me, I bought gear and read “Yogi’s Guide,“ which has advice for thru hiking—tips for hitchhiking, choosing campsites, resupplying, etc. It also outlines motel and grocery options for each town. I bought my food in towns and mailed food ahead when the next town was too small to resupply.

Do you have to be in good shape before you start a hike like this? Or could you just tough it out and get better as you go? You don’t have to be in good shape to start a hike, but it helps. It also helps to be young. No matter what shape you are in, hiking 10 to 12 hours a day is going to be hard. I thought that after hiking for a week or two I would just be “in shape,” but I was surprised that my fitness continued to improve.

I also never stopped having some degree of pain.

What was the gear you started with and the gear you ended with? Anything you packed that you realized was useless? I started hiking in desert heat and ended my trip snowshoeing through six feet of snow, but surprisingly I used most of my gear in all situations. After a month I bought a solar charger on trail to charge my iPhone, which was a real luxury. I also bought a dress from Goodwill along the way. It was comfortable to wear hiking and convenient for peeing outside modestly. I added various warm layers as I went north—a rain skirt (which is lighter, more breathable, and easier to put on than rain pants), an emergency blanket, snowshoes, long underwear, and bread bags to wear on my feet for warmth. I eventually ditched my mace, bug spray, and a mouse-proof food bag because I felt they were unnecessary, but not everyone would agree. Now that I have a better idea of what I need, I revamped my gear for my upcoming trip on the CDT. I have a post on my blog about the new gear, and also have my gear list on my website, if anyone wants to read.

What about trail food? How’d you deal with it? Did you filter your water the whole time? What are the worst and best things you’ve tried on the trail? Food was hard to plan for because my preferences and hunger changed constantly. Sometimes I had five extra pounds of food when I arrived in town and other times I ran out. One of the benefits of buying food as you go (rather than mailing it) is that you can easily make adjustments. I hiked with a girl who mailed all her food and by the end, she literally gagged every time she ate a Clif bar or oatmeal. I think having a variety of food on trail is important. I cooked ramen with PBR once when I arrived at a road crossing where someone had left a few beers for hikers. I was out of water, so I used the beer, and it was surprisingly delicious. At the end of trail, I ate snickers dipped in cream cheese and I thought it tasted like chocolate cheesecake! One of the worst things I tried was cold instant coffee mixed with oats. I was trying to pack up quickly in the morning and didn’t want to heat water. Needless to say, it was disgusting. I also once ate a spoonful of dry protein powder at night because I was starving and low on food. It felt similar to the cinnamon challenge. How much more do you end up eating than normal? What are the cravings you develop after long hikes? I ate a TON of food. Granola bars, mini pies, peanut butter, Nutella, tortillas, ramen, Cheezits, candy, muffins (squished), pop tarts, nuts, and anything else that caught my eye in the grocery store. All hikers fantasize about food, mostly about fresh fruits, vegetables, pizza, and ice cream. I daydreamed about Slurpees a lot. There is no food guilt on trail. All notions of what, when, and how much is appropriate to eat disappear. Instead of cutting calories and dieting, hikers worry about not eating enough. I ate 3,000 to 6,000 calories a day, and it was incredibly refreshing. The downside of eating so much was the stomach aches. Sometimes I would eat a whole sleeve of Oreos, which tasted delicious, then I would feel awful for a while. It’s a lot to ask of your body, to process all that food.

Did you see a lot of other solo hikers? Did traveling alone made you more open to meeting random people? Travelling alone does make it easy to meet people. Most hikers start alone, and many hike in groups for various lengths of time. When I started, I wanted to hike alone to challenge myself and rely on my own decisions. I became more open to meeting people over time, and by the end of trail I found a balance between independence and community. Who were the coolest people you met along the way? Everyone I met had an interesting back story—one couple worked in Antarctica, one girl sold her house to live out of a backpack, there were Marines who hiked to deal with PTSD, and people who left their high-paying jobs because they didn’t want to devote their lives to work. One of my favorite characters on trail was a retired guy from New Jersey. He lived years without health insurance or hot water, and took ice-cold hose showers every day at home, even in the winter. He told only one person he was hiking the PCT and always camped alone far off trail. He didn’t own a phone, but carried a small radio to listen to baseball games. Every time he went into town to buy food, he bought a glass, because he only drank beer out of a glass. He was also a scavenger. Once in town I gave him part of a cookie and he just packed it away for later. Another time he told me that he carried a cube of bouillon for an emergency meal. I told him it didn’t have any calories, and he said, “But it sure does fill you up!” I should mention that there are more men than women on trail, and most people I met were white and middle class, so unfortunately trail culture is not too diverse. How many times were you ever truly scared, and why? Most of the time trail felt very safe, but I had a couple moments of being spooked. I almost stepped on a rattlesnake. I once got lost looking for a spring at night without my pack. I got dangerously cold during a snowstorm. These situations were all preventable had I been paying better attention. Some hikers do end up in truly scary situations. One girl had a mountain lion stalk her at night, and another guy ended up lost on a snowy cliff where he couldn’t go forward or backward. Oh my god. A lot of people on trail carry a SPOT device with an emergency button that activates a search and rescue response team. They are expensive and I personally felt safe without one, but a few people did use them on trail.

What about weather conditions? You had to hike at night sometimes because of the heat, right? The PCT covers a diverse range of terrains and temperatures. In the desert, it reaches 110 degrees, and water sources are sometimes 30 miles apart. I carried 1.5 gallons of water at a time. Hiking at night is much cooler and requires less water, so many people hike early and late (resting midday). Night hiking is beautiful but spooky. Some huge bugs and rodents that come out at night. And then there was the extreme cold: I’m reading a blog post where you did sit-ups in the middle of the night to stay warm. What’s your least favorite and most favorite weather to hike in? I still prefer hiking in desert heat over the cold Northwestern weather. In Oregon and Washington, I dealt with rain, hail and snow, which is dangerous without adequate food and gear. Most people carry down jackets and sleeping bags, but down is useless when wet. When it is cold, taking breaks is not an option. I knew one couple who hiked over 24 hours without stopping because all their gear was wet and it was snowing. They would have become hypothermic if they stopped. Can you tell me some hiker code? What’s the jargon like? There are lots of phrases specific to thru hiking. Some are practical (“slackpacking” is hiking a section without a full pack, “hiker hunger” describes the extreme hunger after hiking, “vortex” is when you spend longer than expected in town). A lot of them are meant to be funny (“Vitamin I” for ibuprofen). “Cowboy camping,” sleeping under the stars, is one of my favorite terms. It’s basically a fancy way of saying “I am too lazy to pitch my tent and I doubt it is going to rain tonight.” My friend “Scrub” has a more extensive list of hiking terms on his blog.

That’s his trail name: does everyone have one? Everyone gets a trail name, usually given by another hiker. Part of the idea is that you can leave your other life behind and be someone new on trail. And there’s other stuff like this: trail angels, trail magic, what does that mean? A “trail angel” is anyone who helps you by offering “trail magic.” It could be a day hiker who gives you an apple or someone who drives you to town. There are established trail angels who help hikers each year by leaving food or sodas on trail or even opening their homes to hikers. There are also some trail magic events, where angels make burgers or pancakes on trail for a day or two. It is hard to overstate how incredible it is to come upon fresh hot food or cold sodas after being out in the woods for a few days. The terms seem right. How was your emotional state going into the hike, and during it? What was the default state of each day? I was much happier on trail than I was prior to trail. Some of that may have had to do with the endorphins released from exercise. I also gained a lot of confidence in my body and my ability to troubleshoot difficult situations. By the end of the trail, I felt I could do anything. I certainly had moments of frustration, crankiness, and misery, but I always preferred trail to home.

Wow. What did you do to pass the time? It wasn’t too different from regular life. Sometimes I listened to music or books, sometimes I worried about logistics, sometimes I wondered what to do with my life. I thought about family and friends and remembered things I had forgotten. Sometimes I played games with other hikers, sometimes I counted my steps, sometimes I brushed my teeth for an hour. What are some good stories you heard on the trail from other people? There was a huge snowstorm in Washington that coincided with the government shutdown, and some hikers decided to road walk the last 60 miles to Canada to avoid deep snow. Rangers stopped them because it was illegal to be in the park during the shutdown. So after hiking 2600 miles, they quit because of a triviality. I also heard a story about a girl who saw a mountain lion sitting next to the trail. She roared at it, like you are supposed to (you never want to let a mountain lion know you are scared), then kept walking past it only to realize that there was a switchback in the trail and she had to pass it again. And then, there was a funny story about a hiker I never met who found chapstick on the ground and used it for crotch chafing. A few minutes later a woman walked by and asked if anyone had seen her pina colada chapstick. From that point forward his trail name was “Penis Colada.” That is a great story. What was your favorite part of the trail?

The last four days on trail were my favorite. I snowshoed on fresh snow through the most spectacular scenery on trail with a boy who I like very much. It was new and exciting and beautiful and romantic. What about the least? Southern Oregon was my least favorite part. Everyone talks about how Oregon is flat and easy, but my feet were hurting so it didn’t feel easy. In my opinion, it was also the least spectacular part of trail, just woods and ponds.

What was your favorite pit stop? One of my favorite stops was Buck’s Lake, a small town in northern California. I got off trail to apply for a job. I didn’t end up getting the job, but I stayed with the most incredible trail angels. They were welcoming and made burgers with heirloom tomatoes and peach cobbler and fruit salad. They also took me out on their pontoon for sunset to drink white wine and listen to the Beach Boys.

What did you miss most while you were hiking? Fresh fruits and vegetables, and my friends and family. How did this hike physically affect your body? I lost about 5 to 10 pounds by the end, despite gaining muscle. My breasts mostly disappeared and my feet grew a full size. Women usually lose less weight than men, which is an advantage on trail. What about your hair? My hair was crazy on trail. I was trying to grow it out, but it was a bad length for hiking: long enough to tangle and too short to pull back. I had dyed it before trail and wanted to let the dyed part grow out. I also decided to stop using shampoo, in part thanks to articles like this. Needless to say, my hair was a bleachy, greasy, tangled mess. I cut it off when returned home. Before or after, did you have a lot of people telling you that they wanted to hike the PCT too? Or were people more like, "You’re nuts!” A lot of people say something along the lines of, “Wow, that’s amazing! I could never do that!” But hiking is kind of like drawing. People say they can’t draw, as if it’s a mysterious talent, but both drawing and hiking are just a set of skills anyone could learn. If you are interested in hiking the PCT or another trail, I would encourage you to go ahead and do it. I think it is almost always a positive experience, although returning to regular life is difficult. People sometimes romanticize long-distance hiking, but I was just walking. Some people work 8 or 10 hours a day on spreadsheets or washing floors and few people say that is amazing. What’s your favorite picture from your PCT hike?

This is a campsite on an exposed ridge in northern California. The sky was smoky from a nearby fire, but I could see well enough to watch a meteor shower. It’s hard to choose one photo, but that was a good night.

[choiceenvironment]

Shorty’s Fight

Shorty is so deserving of the proper surgery to save her leg.  I feel horrible that I can not afford to provide her with it. With so many people struggling, I hate to ask for this kind of financial help, but I have no choice.  I have to try for her sake. Our local small town community has already sponsored the costs to saving her, with help from the wonderful (Strathmore Veterinarian).  The donations gave the vet enough to amputate her tail and cast her arm from a broken Radial bone. Including an anonymous donor that paid her intake. I believe it is because the town knows her, she has gone into stores, got the mail with me and all my clients love her. Since then (2 weeks ago) something has gone wrong and the Ulnar bone which had a hairline fracture has now broken fully, the only option now is amputate her front left arm for $2000 or Surgery for $4500 to save the arm. She is in a lot of pain, this breaks my heart for her and she does not deserve to suffer. I have been told by some that she is just a cat, That I should just do what ever is cheapest and/or put her down. But she is not just a regular cat, her personality captures anyone who meets her but not in the cuddly way most would think. This is my story of the most unique cat I have ever known. "Sam Shorty" 2 years ago I was looking for a small companion cat that I could bring to work at my newly opened print shop. I thought it would be great to keep the mice away, I was lonely as I worked alone and I had some struggles coping with stress. My store was opened in 2017, Since then my entire store was flooded and I lost all my inventory with no help from insurance because it was "overland flooding" - Jerks! They didn't help at all.  But my community did! Since then I lost my father, 2 brothers and covid took away my events which used to pay for my store rent.  I hosted, cooking and paint classes for kids when they were off school.  I also trained people who struggle to learn computer skills and building their own resume. I honestly needed to find a daily companion and furry friend.  My first thought was to catch or coax one of the Ferrell cats around town because I would be "giving them a better life".  So I thought. ha ha ha But the stray cats around town are pretty happy just eating the field mice and being wild and free.  No worries, just play, eat and sleep, I am almost jealous except in winter time. ha ha ha So after weeks of desperately trying to make friends with the Ferrell's I gave up and realized that all I was doing was creating Night Fights from all the food I kept leaving out. The neighbors must have loved that. ha ha ha They did keep all the outside mice away, but funny...I seemed to end up with more mice inside the store. ha ha ha Moving forward I checked online for any cats needing a home and oddly at that time frame there was none?  People even tried catching their own farm Ferrell's to no avail.  Well I was determined so I planned to go on the weekend to buy one SOMEWHERE lol, didn't know where but I was determined. Saturday morning we planned for a Sunday trip to the city.  But I was feeling really down so I prayed.  I honestly prayed to God and asked for help in sending me a cat that needs the most help. See, Although I want a companion for my sake I also want to return the favor to my friend, I want to be doing something good. 2 hours later I was cleaning up some things in the shed and my husband says "I think there is something behind the quad" Sure as shit there was a kitten!  So we ran and told my daughter to grab a can of tuna and after a few attempts I was able to quickly grab her scruff and pull her into my scarf. She fought hard but only for a few seconds, then she tucked her head into my hair and didn't move. I walked around with her for a bit and she seemed to like it.  Eventually I set her on my bed and she just stared at all of us like she was in shock.  Pretty sure she was freaking out. ha ha ha Her eyes were full of gunk, she was so badly filled with worms and she pooped all over my bedroom, my bed, but I could care less. Funny story - she even gave me worms which is very rare! The first night she was so afraid that she would only lay on the window sill.  Shorty was so stunted and small that we called her shorty.  Also because her tail was the smallest tail we had ever seen. While she was going from the window to the liter box and back up to the window sill, her litter was getting stuck to her feet and a small amount kept dropping into my bedside drinking glass. Lets not get into details, but I drank a lot of water that night. ha ha ha - I still laugh at this cause she was worth it. It took a long time to get her back to health, we thought she was dead a few times when she would not move for hours. We eventually got her fixed and with consistent food she began to grow :) and although small she is one tough kitty. I had her on a leash when we would go for walks, camping or to work.  But eventually I just felt like she missed the wild. When we were camping it poured rain one year so bad, but she did not want to leave the brush beside the fire and I realized she was hunting mice! She would be soaking wet and I would try to take her inside with me but she would get so mad, growl and kick her back paws on me.  So in return for her friendship I sat in the rain with her for hours so she could listen to the wilderness and hunt mice.  She even caught one that year but her excitement caused her to lose it and it ran away. She would stand on her back feet and sway her head like a crazy person filled with glee, she looked like a playful bear. Shorty would finally want to go to bed around 11 pm, but at the crack of dawn she would be sitting on her leash staring at me and using her "mind powers" to wake me up.  She is very polite and tries not to disturb me while I sleep.  So sweet. I decided that if I truly love her I would have to let her have her own freedom and if she loved me too, she would return home. At first when I took her off her leash, Shorty would stay with me as I gardened or worked in the yard.  But eventually she left the yard for a day and night. But she returned and before the incident she would come and go on the hour. Shorty could be dead asleep on the piano ( her favorite spot) and she would know if another cat stepped on her property.   So would we, because all of a sudden she would run upstairs to the bedroom windows, then down to the basement windows. Sometimes she would "Scobie Doo"  around the corners then race to be let out the back door. All the neighborhood cats are free out here and go as they please.  They are also bigger than her! But she puff's up, spits and kicks her back feet like she is the toughest little girl in the world. Climbing is her favorite and she always has to show me.  She will run up the tree and if I am not watching her Shorty meows at me and scratches harder on the tree. She loves to run and show off how fast she is, her favorite game with my daughters is what we call "the chase game" That's where the kids will get a foot from her and she will run to the other side of the yard and lay down.  Then she rolls and shows her tummy, so the girls walk up to pet her and when they are a foot from her she runs back to the other side. She loves it. Shorty does not cuddle, wont let strangers touch her and only comes to me "Mom" Now the sad part -  We rescued a Pitbull and have spent month retraining her as she was abused and left to freeze in the cold.  Her name is Calypso. She cowers to many things and we thought we were getting her back to normal. Her prey drive was bad, but the cat and her were beginning to play and we began lowering our guard. I never left them in a room alone together, I still always supervised just encase. But 2 weeks ago I was in court awaiting a verdict on a local exploitation of a minor case.  The judge called guilty, we cried with relief and became overwhelmed as it had been a year long uncertain battle.  By the system prevailed! AS we celebrated on the way home I got a call from my daughter, the dog had got upstairs and the cat was bleeding. I tried to keep my daughter calm and a Neighbour ran to my house to see how bad it was. When I got there, the floor had a trail of blood and a pool of blood behind the couch. But it is not the dogs fault, she is a sweet sweet dog that just wants to be loved.  The dog took to me the moment we met and her jealousy took her over along with her natural instinct. Just as the cat needs to hunt mice, the dog wants to hunt too.  It part of them and I hold no fault to either of them. We called the nearest vet who responded with "we are booked unless you want to just bring her in and put her down?" Yah we hung up on them. Then we called Strathmore Vet and while bawling I explained that I had absolutely no money, I had no idea how to get any money but I would do anything to save her. The vet worked tirelessly through the night and all the next day.  Shorty had her tail amputated, and a second time from the damage.   Luckily she had enough blood to rebuild and just a fractured radial bone.  They tried there best to cast the arm but gave me a 50/50 chance of keeping it. The last two weeks of healing, Shorty has been such a trooper.  We have been trapped in my room since but I think she knows its only so she can heal.  I have not gone to work or left her side. I thought she was getting depressed the last few days but yesterday we found out its pain, from the second bone finally giving out. Shorty deserves to keep her leg and she deserves proper care.  The feeling of not being able to provide this to her is horrible. I cant even afford the amputation. With amputation I wonder if I will ever let her back outside? There is 2 jerks on our street that always speed and with her only having 3 legs I would be too worried that someone would run her over. Most people in our town will actually stop and let a cat cross the road, we are always watching for children and the speed is basically 30 klm/hr over the entire hamlet or Carseland. This is my last resort. I have tried to phone Pet Card to get approve for a pet loan but I don't make enough.  I actually don't make anything since covid and have been operating my print shop at a loss for 6 months. My customers have been hit hard, they don't have the money to pay anymore.  Its not their fault and I have stayed close with all my clients because I truly understand what they are going through. I tried selling all my game consoles i have collected since I was 12, that didn't pan out. The stress of everything gave me shingles, so I have 4 bags of bottles to take in and I am now better so I can actually take them in, but that's not going to help her today. So I am here asking for help because Shorty deserves better and I am okay with putting myself out there for her. She really deserves a chance to keep her freedom and live the happy life she had before. Thank you so much for reading, sharing or considering helping my little girl. My love to you all Jennifer

[imbumkyung]

I Saw It In A Movie One Time (ch.2) - reincarnation

Chapter 1

Chapter 3

“She’ll be okay,” the man said

Kaileia lay on a towel that CJ and Miko set up. A man that was out surfing saw Kai getting washed up by the ocean and quickly pulled her out

“She probably just took in some water and passed out from shock but she’ll be good,” He finished, offering a nod to her friends.

“Oh, okay. Thank you so much,” Miko smiled before he went on his way, his wetsuit and board leaving a wet trail behind him. She was thankful they didn’t need 911 because to be real honest here, they were all broke as heck.

Not too long later Kai coughed a few times before waking up.

“Dude are you okay?” CJ asked

“Yeah I’m fine I just have a headache right now,” Kai replied, her voice filled with fatigue.

“Oh my god I thought you died,” Melissa said, half joking.

-

Kaileia didn’t remember what happened the rest of that night, only that Miko let her sleep over at her place. So when she awoke the next morning in a room that wasn’t hers, it wasn’t alarming at all.

What was alarming though was that she was asleep way longer than she thought she’d be. Usually she slept in until it was about ten to eleven a.m. Now, it was already two p.m. She stayed in bed for a little nonetheless, her inner monologue explaining the tasks of the day: walk the dogs, go to the gym, get that TB test and fingerprint scan done so you can start working soon. Mustering up as much leg strength as she could, she got up to go get ready for the day. She searched for her backpack with her change of clothes, toothbrush, toothpaste and all her other things, the only thing missing was her phone for her morning music. Puzzled, she couldn’t find it anywhere in her bag and come to think of it, she’d never seen this room in Miko’s house before. And the day looked a lot more glum than the usual Kauai sun.

“Miko? Have you seen my phone?” She questioned aloud enough for her to hear if she was downstairs. To no avail, she tried again, “Miko?”

Silence

Did Miko have somewhere to be this morning? She couldn’t call her without a phone so she figured she’d find a house phone and made her way downstairs. As soon as she openned the door of the bedroom, she froze

I have no idea who’s house this is.

A white hallway with a room straight across, a bathroom to the right and a staircase to the left. Carefully going down the staircase she was even more shocked and afraid— I really don’t know who’s house this is.

She found a smaller sized kitchen and a living room next to it, big enough to fit two couches and a TV, the front door on the upper right corner.

She picked up the house phone hanging right by the kitchen, only to realize she didn’t even know Miko’s number— it was saved to the cell phone she couldn’t find. Was I kidnapped? Am I in a murderer’s home?

Call mom, you idiot

Her hands scrambled in panic as she dialed her moms number,

“You have reached the voicemail box of pause Susie May, please leave a message! At the to—”

Who the fuck is Susie May? Spotting a pair of car keys on the table, Kaileia didn’t know where she was going, or what she would do, but she needed to get out of this murderer’s house as fast as she could. She ran up the stairs, her knees quivering from fear she paid as least mind to as she possibly could, grabbed her backpack, took the keys and ran outside. Walking as fast as she could, she smashed the lock button until she heard a beeping from one of the cars. Discovering which car the key belonged to, she put it in ignition and drove.

Nothing was familiar. Absolutely nothing. The island she lived on was small enough for her to have explored it all as she lived there for a whole 19 years, so it made no sense she’d never seen this place before. Her conclusion: the kidnapper took her to a land unknown. And she couldn’t go back to that house. Ever.

She made a right, and a left, and another right, trying to find something familiar. It took one wrong right at a stop light she didn’t realize— and a cop was right there. He signaled for her to pull over, most likely to ticket her for this minor mistake. Kai sighed— this is the last thing right now. I’m literally fleeing my kidnapper.

She rolled down her window, “Is there a reason you didn’t stop at the stop sign, ma’am?” The officer in black sunglasses asked. There was no reason for the sunglasses, really.

She shook her head, still in shock from everything that’s happened, especially from being questioned by a cop— the last time something like this happened, she had to pay so much money to fix her own car, and still needed to pay because the lady she crashed into went to physical therapy— taking the advice of her claims assistant, even tho Kai had left nothing more than a crack of paint on said lady’s car. In short, Kai wasn’t ready to be broke all over again.

“License, registration and insurance, please,” He requested.

She nodded, and scrambled the compartment to look for the information she knew she didn’t have. It surprised her though, she did find the registration and insurance. She left that into her lap to find her license in her backpack. She froze. It had her name and her picture but it was missing the rainbow and the blue letters reading “Hawaii”. It was instead a normal creme colored background and read “Washington” across the top. She scrambled back to the registration and insurance in her lap— both under her very own name. She couldn’t think. Shakily and obviously very nervous, she handed all three documents to the officer.

He received them with a nod, then took them to the police car, most likely to run her records. But how is this car under her name? How did she end up in Washington, and why Washington? What the fuck was here, that brought her here? Theres literally no reason to be here. It’s cloudy, it’s cold, it’s depressing.

He brought all three back to her, “Well there’s nothing on your record, and I’ve decided I’ll let you off with a warning,” he concluded.

Kai sighed gratefully, “Thank you so much Officer”

“You be careful now,” he advised, and his radio went off

“Chief Swan, do you copy?” A man said over the system

He nodded to her before dismissing her. She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

Washington. I’m in Washington. What am I doing in the mainland? How is this car mine? Everyone here dresses weird. Could it be, that the house is also mine? Don’t be stupid. You might fall into the murderer’s trap. You should have told the officer while you had the chance. I mean you still do, technically. They haven’t moved and neither have you.

Maybe we could just check? You’re seriously gonna take a chance on death? Maybe.

Without thinking, she circled around the town before going back to the house she woke up in. It was now 6pm. If the murderer was to return, they’d have surely been home by now, right? But the sight she saw in front of her house was anything but a murderous aura. It was a father and his son riding on his little tikes bicycle in front of the drive way, just passing through. Warily but quickly, she walked to the front door, the umbrella she found in the back seat now in her right hand, ready to stab whoever it was that was gonna grab her as soon as she opened the door— only there was no one. All she saw was the house with everything in the exact position it was left.

I should call 911

She quickly searched for any cabinets until she found one filled with documents, proving ownership of the house, so she’d have an address and hopefully a name to provide whoever would assist her on the other line. Only for her heart to stop after reading the name of the homeowner: Kaileia Mahelona

Brows furrowed and eyes wide, she read the name over and over again, searching for any documents to prove otherwise but— nothing. Did this house belong to her? She stood frozen in that spot, no reaction, no other thoughts, just her trying to grasp onto the concept that this is either all some sick joke, a dream, or she is actually in another reality. Maybe I was reincarnated early?

Kaileia stalked across the kitchen and grabbed the remote, turning on the TV. None of the news was out of the ordinary— well at least for someone who didn’t pay too much attention to the news regularly. Immigration protests, some world cup final, tainted spinach and the shocking news on the Crocodile Hunter’s death. Surely they meant his death anniversary.

No. It was his actual death. With a photo of him and the words underneath reading “Steve Irwin, 1962-2006”

Two-thousand what now?

“This ain’t it, sis” she whispered, hands of stress running through her hair. She shook her head in disbelief.

Definitely not real. Wake up Kai, come on wake up. If it’s 2006, you’re literally six years old right now.

Her peripherals caught a computer she hadn’t seen there before. From there, she discovered that she was actually in Forks, Washington, it was definitely 2006, and that the Marvel universe exists here. So talking about Spiderman wouldn’t make her look like a mad man. Which is great, because she loves Spiderman. Also Deadpool. Okay that’s besides the point.

“What am I to do? I don’t think I have a job and I’m definitely not in school,” she thought to herself. Without a second thought, she left the house yet again and drove.

“Another hiker presumed dead, searches still going on for the killer animal—” a voice on the radio spoke. Killer animals? What the hell is going on, Forks? Distracted by her thoughts while driving along the never ending path along the mountain, a wolf suddenly ran across about 50 feet from her, still close enough for her to register that this was in fact NOT a normal sized wolf. It was about five times the size of what she’d expected.

She rounded a corner and caught sight of a party. “Forks High School Prom” a giant banner read across the entrance of the venue. She decided to park here, the lights were a pretty sight as she tried to pay no mind the awkward couple dancing in the middle of the lawn. The girl wore a purple dress with a boot and the boy with a suit on, skin paler than the Korean pop stars her friend Miko was obsessed with. It looked like that scene from Twilight. She was unknowingly staring— he dipped her low and placed a soft kiss on her neck. Another action that reminded her of the twilight movie. Kaileia hadn’t seen it since Elementary school.

The couple were about to exit the canopy when Kai thought, “careful girl, he’s probably a vampire”. It was only a joke, alluding to the Twilight movie that happened in Forks with this exact ending scene when the boy froze. He turned in the direction of Kaileia’s car and— ah shit.

“Can he hear me? How did he know to look exactly where I’m at?” She panicked

There’s no way this is happening. Hurriedly, she started the car and drove off.

Was that Edward Cullen? Was that really them? It has to be a real coincidence. Twilight is fiction. It’s literally cringe culture. But it could also explain that big ass wolf that jumped out of nowhere. It would explain why that girl looked so much like Bella.

Kai decided she couldn’t say or think anything about what she knows anymore. Edward can definitely hear her thoughts.

I can’t change the storyline. Everyone made it out alive at the end of Breaking Dawn. Don’t change that. I could die here. But if I died here would I go back to my old life? Possibly. It happened to that girl in Scarlet Heart: Ryeo.

Kai, that was a kdrama.

Twilight was a movie series!

Touché.

All I have to do is survive. Don’t change the story lines. Try not to get involved.

She parked the car in the driveway this time instead of across the street, rounding the corner to the door but froze as she saw the same boy who was just dancing at the prom.

“Can I help you, sir?” She asked him, trying her best to project her voice and mask her timidness

He turned, his eyes going first then the rest of his body behind him, “Hi, I’m Edward Cullen”

She nodded, “Hi. What are you doing here?” She asked, wanting to get straight to the point

He paused, realizing he didn’t prepare a lie to tell her and having no real justification besides “I heard your thoughts. How do you know what I am?” Of course, he didn’t say this out loud, he can’t jump to conclusions and expose his kind. Instead, he excused, “I must have gotten the wrong house.”

Kai nodded, keeping her thoughts silent and slipping past him, rushing to get inside and lock the door. She let out an exhale of relief after being inside.

He’s onto me.

Tags: @sunflowerspectre

Thank you for reading!

[dabble-writes]

The Magician and I- (5)

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 |

Pairing:

Yoongi/Reader

Summary:

Suga is a wish-granting magician. He grants wishes—for the price of your most prized possession.

Your parents and brother died tragically in a plane crash and you visit Suga to grant your wish to bring them back to life...but instead you become his assistant.

Now you’re thrust into a world of magic and the mysterious being known as Suga.

Tags:

Fantasy, romance, a bit of a slow burn, love potion, angst, stalking, human experimentation  

Warnings:

Mentions of death

CHAPTER 5: THE LOVE POTION 

You saw the elevator about to close and saw someone in it.

“Ah wait, hold on!” You cried out and managed to slip into the elevator before it closed completely.

You realized that the person had a hood over their head and was turned around so you couldn’t see their face.

“Which floor?”, the voice sounded like a woman’s. 

“The 5th.”

“The 5th floor? Isn’t that all Suga’s floor?”

“Yeah, do you know Suga? Are you a client?” You then thought about it, “That’s odd, I don’t remember there being an appointment today…”

The figure turned and you saw that it didn’t have a head. You jump and give a cry of surprise, very startled and freaked out by the figure. You studied it and wondered if this was an illusion or a mannequin. It then moved again and you screamed again as the elevator opened with a ding.

You ran out of the elevator as fast as you can and went straight to Suga’s office. You saw that he was on the phone looking like he was having a serious conversation, but you were freaked out by the figure that looked straight from a horror movie.

“Suga! Suga!” You exclaimed as you rushed to his side and huddled against him, frightened. He paused and looked you, eyebrows raised.  

“Y/N, recently your expressions of affection are getting stronger and stronger.” Suga said, gently pushing you off him, “You like me, don’t you?”

“That’s not it!” You cried, “in the elevator there was a figure with no head…” you noticed the figure had followed you and was at the doorway, “There it is!”

The figure put her hands on her hips, “Hey, I’m not that scary! There’s no need to run away like that…”

Suga stared at the figure and narrowed his eyes, he brought the phone to his ear again, “Yeah, I’ll call you back. I seem to have a…visitor...yes, it’s her.”

He then hung up and gave the figure a furious look, “Rose! What are you going here?”

“Wait, how did you know it was me?”

It seems Suga knows this headless figure, I should have known. Also, how is she talking, she has no mouth...

“I can tell from your voice.” This was the angriest you’ve seen Suga and you wonder what this Rose has done to him, “Why did you come here? I told you that I didn’t want to see your face for 100 years!”

“That’s why I left my face behind!” Rose insisted, walking up to Suga, “So everything should be fine!”

Suga was not amused, “Go back to normal right now! It’s even more disturbing to see a headless ghost.”

Rose laughed, “If you wanted to see my face that badly, I guess I’ll let you.”

Her head appeared, “Are you satisfied?” She had a beaming smile, “You missed me, didn’t you? Aren’t you happy now that you’ve seen me?”

“…Rose, your head is still not connected.”

Sure enough, her head was floating around not connected to her body. You thought it was even weirder and now the body was trying to chase the head. She literally looked like a chicken running without a head. 

“Help me, Suga!!” Rose cried out as she struggled to catch her head and you saw Suga’s mood grow even more sour.

He did got up though and helped Rose put her head back to her body.

Rose beamed and turned to Suga, “Hey Suga, to tell you the truth…I was hoping I could live here for a while. That’s okay, right? Right?”

She seemed like a puppy, very happy and overactive. Suga looked like the owner who couldn’t quite control it and was very irritated at it.

“Definitely not.” Suga said flatly, “I don’t want you here.”

Rose pouted, tears forming in her eyes, “You’re too much! Right now I’m a poor, sad, homeless, shrineless magician girl.”

Suga didn’t fall for her bait, “Why don’t you have a house? Don’t you live in a castle in the country?”

“My house was invaded!”

Suga raised his eyebrows and she made a face.

“Okay, that’s not true. See…” Rose bit her lip, then said her story with such grandeur, “there was a fire, right? And everything was burned. It was an old castle, you see, so it burned really really fast. You know that we can’t get insurance, so I lost everything!”

Somehow you didn’t quite believe her story and neither did Suga.

He narrowed his eyes as her, “…tell me the truth. All of it. What did you do this time? Every time you mess something up, I get stuck having to clean it up. You haven’t changed a bit in the last 10,000 years!”

She pouted and looked around the room, she then took to notice of you.

“Oh yeah? Who’s that? It can’t possibly be your girlfriend…”

“Assistant, and don’t change the topic.” Suga snapped.

“I’m also here...” You said, a bit peeved they were talking about you as if you’re not in the room.

“Ah so she’s a servant.” Rose skipped over to you, “Hey assistant, I’m hungry. Make me some food fit for royalty!”

You gave her an incredulous look and looked at Suga for help; he looked like he was nursing a huge headache and was silently begging you to distract her. You sighed and got up from the couch.

“Alright, we’ll see what Suga has in the kitchen.”

Rose clapped, “Yay! Let’s eat!”

“One meal and you’re out.” Suga warned but Rose just grabbed your hands and happily skipped past him.

You gave him a glare but he picked up his phone, “I have an important call I have to make, so please distract her for a bit.”

You sighed and nodded, “Okay, but you owe me big time. You have to take me out to someplace yummy next Sunday.”

“Deal.” He said and you followed Rose out the office to the kitchen.

“So…”, you said as you searched thorough the cabinets of the kitchen, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Suga that upset—what did you do to him?”

She pouted, “Why does everyone assume I’m the one to blame? I’m only trying to be helpful. Suga was the one that hurt my feelings by not staying in that tree like I asked him to.”

You paused, connecting the dots, “Wait…you were the one that trapped Suga in that tree 18 years ago?”

“Yeah, isn’t he childish? Why get so worked up over a little thing like that?”

“Err…” You didn’t quite understand, “Why did you lock him up in a tree in the first place?”

Mind you, he could be difficult at times, but locking him up in a tree is excessive.

“Well you see, when I create a new spell I like to test it out on Suga.” Rose said brightly, “I was practicing escape magic that day. I didn’t get the spell right and had to figure out where I went wrong. You see, teacher always said that if I made a mistake, I should solve it myself. So then I spent the next ten years working on my escape magic. But while I was struggling to finish my training, Suga didn’t care at all! He just disappeared on his own--isn’t that too much?”

You manage to find some ramen but were in such a state of shock by her twisted words that you just stared at her. Doesn’t she see what’s wrong with what she just said?

“And then,” Rose continued, “when I finally found out where he was, he told me he didn’t want to see me face!” She started to cry, “He’s terrible, so cold-hearted—he’s always like that!”

“Always?” You asked hesitatingly as you found a pot to make the ramen in.

“Yes! Like that time I was practicing transformation magic and I turned him into a kitten for seven years…and that time I was practicing levitation magic and pushed him off a 50-story building and became flat like a pancake…he was always cold-hearted, saying things like I don’t want to see your face for 100 years and don’t come near me again….isn’t it okay if magician occasionally make mistakes?”

“…It’s not occasionally.” You muttered, but she didn’t hear, caught up in her monologue.

“Ans there’s more…” Rose said as she examined the tea.

There are more?, you thought, I never thought I’d say this, but poor Suga.

“Of course, my biggest mistake was when I tried to make a love potion for the first time…”

“Wait, love potion?”

Is that what Suga meant by having loved before?

“Yeah, Teacher got really mad at me--he destroyed all my hard work and banned me from using magic for five years.” She pouted.

Rose then turned to you with a grin, “Hey assistant! Aren’t you curious on how Suga acts when he’s in love?”

You tried to picture Suga in love, shuddered at the image, and turned back to cutting onions, “Nope, not really.”

“Huh? Why not? Don’t you think it will be fun?”

“No, I get goosebumps just thinking about it. The thought of someone like Suga, who has such a terrible personality, falling in love…it’s just too strange.”

“Wow, such harsh words…did you get that nastiness from him? Is it contagious? He has no compassion at all! Suga is so cold-hearted and rude that he’s practically handicap. You see, Suga’s teacher died before he was able to teach him everything.”

“Teacher? That’s right, I’ve wondering for a while now. Who’s Suga’s teacher? And how many more of his disciples are there?”

You figured the teacher was some crotchety old man with a long white beard, someone with infinite wisdom and patience (especially if he had to deal with Suga and Rose!)

“Ah teacher, our teacher. He always said things I couldn’t understand…and then he died before I was able to figure him out.”

“What about the other students? Were there others besides you and J?”

“Out of the seven students, the nicest one, J, and a few others either died or disappeared. I wonder why nice people always die young…it’s a miracle I’ve lived so long….the only ones left are cold-blooded Suga, that weird V, whose thoughts I could never figure out, and the scary old man RM….RM….He’s a grumpy old man who is always lecturing me about everything. He’s always very mean to me and criticize everything I do. Why does he always take it out on me…?”

You looked at Rose, she seemed lost in her own thoughts.

“Why are you standing there in a daze?” You asked her as you took the pot out of the stove to cool down, “Your Royal Ramen is done. Eat.”

Rose looked down at the ramen and frowned, “Isn’t this just ramen?”

“I’m telling you, it’s ‘royal’ ramen.”

Just eat the ramen, you thought, I went though all the trouble to prepare it for you!

Rose turned away, “I don’t eat things like this, I’ll just have tea with Suga later.”

This brat!, you cursed her in your thoughts.

“Fine,” you set the ramen aside and went towards the tea, “I’ll serve your tea then—”

“No!” Rose rushed ahead of you and got the tray before you, “I want to serve the tea myself, if you don’t mind. I have some private things I want to discuss with Suga anyway.”

You shrugged, “Okay, whatever. Tell Suga I’m here in the kitchen.”

There’s only so much Rose I can take.

She smiled and walked out of the room, “He’ll be…preoccupied, so if you’re done with your duties you can leave.”

You glared at her as she left, who is she to order me around? I only answer to Suga. Wait…am I really getting mad at being able to go home early? I must be crazy. Still, it’s mean if I leave Suga all alone with Rose. I’ll stay and make sure that everything goes well and she doesn’t end up locking him in the teapot or something. 

You then looked at the ramen, well it’s her lost. I’m going to eat it. You brought out some chopsticks and started to eat. It was pretty good, if you had to say so yourself. You didn’t had time to eat before you came here, so you were pretty hungry.

You suddenly heard a commotion near the lobby and the bell ringing. Strange, there shouldn’t be any visitors at this time...You decide to check it out and tell them to reschedule, since Suga is currently busy. You sat on the reception desk and opened the window to greet the people who ringed the bell and the sight made your blood run cold. The lobby was filled with people, you’ve never seen the lobby so crowded before. They looked almost like zombies, with a blank stare, and they kept muttering. Some were wearing maid outfits, others chefs, others wore fancy evening clothes. The one thing they had in common was that they were calling out Rose’s name.

“Rose! Please, let me see her.”

“I love you, Rose, please be mine.”

“I live for you and only you, Rose!”

“Um...can I help you?” You asked tentatively, not sure how to react. 

“We need to see Rose.” A man dressed as a chef told you, “We must speak to her.”

“...she’s not here...” you said, knowing that this cannot be good.

Maybe this is what she meant by the invasion on her home...

“She’s here, we know!” Said a maid angrily and the others agreed.

“Let us see her!”

“Why are you keeping her from us?”

“Please let us see our love.”

They tried to open the door and you were so thankful that it was locked.  

This is really weird, you thought as you quickly shut the window before they became any more aggressive. 

I think Suga can handle this, you thought as you rushed to his office. Neither him nor Rose was there. Odd, you thought, didn’t Rose came in here not even ten minutes ago to drink tea and talk to him?

You didn’t have much time to think about it, because they were now knocking at the door and shouting and you wondered how long they could be appeased. I gotta find Suga. You ran down the hallway, checking the rooms. Nope, not either of the treasure rooms, not in the bathroom, not in the kitchen or the living room…the last door was to his bedroom. You saw a sign that said ‘DO NOT DISTURB’. You ignored it, this was an emergency, he can sleep later. You found it locked, but remembered the method Jin taught you to pick a lock—so you used your credit card and opened the door. You burst through the door.

“Suga! Quick, there’s a situation!”

You found it odd that Suga was standing in the room, staring at you, but you didn’t have time. When you saw that he didn’t seem to make a move, you went up to him and grabbed his wrist to drag him towards the lobby.

You looked at him and frowned at his expression, “Why do you look so weird?”

He didn’t answer you but you finally got to the door and opened it, revealing the people, “Look at these people!”

Suga looked away from you and glanced at the people, “…what’s wrong?”

You gave him an incredulous look, “What’s wrong? Don’t you see all these people shouting ‘I love you, Rose’? Obviously they’re not in their right minds…”

A man in front of you was sobbing, “Please, let me see her…”

“See?” You said, turning to Suga, but he wasn’t looking at them. He was staring at you.

“Um, Suga…”

“I don’t see them.” Suga said as he stepped closer to you and took your hand, “All I can see right now is you.” He brought your hand up and kissed it.

Your eyes widened as you snatched your hand away from him, “W-what are you doing? This isn’t the time to play around!”

“Play around?” Suga frowned, “Please, don’t mock my love in such a way.”

“Oh my god,” you muttered, completely in shock, “Suga’s gone crazy—that’s literally the only explanation.”

“Yes, you’re right,” Suga said, stepping towards you and stroking your cheek, “I’m crazy in love. Please accept me.”

“G-get away from me!” You stammered, at a lost at what to do. You’ve never seen Suga act like this, “Stop it!” You tried to get away but found he had grabbed your hand again and had a tight grip.

“Suga, seriously—what the hell!” You were now panicking, the look in his eyes were so intense, you’ve never seen his face so expressive before, “I-If you don’t stop, I’m…I’m going to….to turn into a chicken!”

 Wow, I’m a idiot.

“Then I’ll turn into a chicken with you.” He said seriously.

Never mind, he’s a bigger idiot. 

You figured his weird behavior had something to do with Rose, she was the last person he saw before he became…like this. You pushed away and said, “Where’s Rose?”

“I sent her away.” Suga said and you cried out in frustration, “Are you okay, love? I feel your frustration.”

“No I’m not okay!” You cried out and closed the door before anyone of the hoard forced their way inside.

Suga frowned, “Is there anyway I can make you feel better?”

“Well you can start by taking me to where you sent Rose.” You demanded, “....please.” You added as an afterthought.

“Since you said please...” He walked down the hallway and pushed on a brick, revealing a secret door you’ve never seen before, “She’s in there.”

You reached for the door then turned to Suga, “I need you to stay here.”

“Why?” He asked, pouting.

“Please, don’t follow me.” You said firmly as you opened the door and entered the room. Thankfully Suga didn’t try to follow you as you closed the door behind you and you sighed in relief. It seemed like another bedroom and you saw that Rose was in the big bed in the middle of the room—sound asleep in it.

“Rose!” You called out as you ran up to her, but she didn’t even stir, “I can’t believe this!”

You tried to shake her awake, “Get up, you evil witch! This isn’t the time to be sleeping! Wake up!”

“Leave her alone. Once the sun goes down, she falls asleep like a corpse and doesn’t wake up until sunrise ” You heard a deep voice and stopped, turning to a corner of the room you didn’t see before. A young, handsome man was leaning against the wall, “If waking her up could have solved this problem, I wouldn’t have gone to the trouble of calling Suga and listen to all those insults just to ask for a wish.”

You looked at the strange man, “Who are you?”

“RM…RM! You just wait…” you heard Rose mutter in her sleep, “You rotten old man, one day I’ll…”

RM chuckled as he looked at Rose tossing and turning, “Rose, what kind of grudge do you have against me that you keep calling out my name in your sleep?”

“Huh? Then you’re that RM?”

“That RM, this RM…would there be anyone else with such a weird name?”

“Don’t try to trick me!” You said, walking up to him, “Rose clearly said that RM was an old man, but you don’t look much older than me!”

“I recovered my youth by drinking the blood of 3,000 young virgin girls. You look fresh and tasty.”

Panicking, you said, “I-I’m not a virgin! I’ve slept with many, many men thank you very much.”

He smirked, showing his dimples, “It’s a joke. Kids these days have no sense of humor. What a shame…”

You frowned, “This isn’t the time to make silly jokes!”

You felt like you want to cry; this day has been stressful enough without some guy joking about drinking your blood.

RM sighed as he got up and walked towards Rose, “It’s true that I’m very old and that Rose has never seen my face. So she naturally assumed I was an old man.”

“Why hasn’t Rose seen your face?” You asked, confused.

“I have to avoid sunlight,” RM answered, “so I conceal my face during the day. And, as you can see, this child goes to sleep right after sunset, so she doesn’t know how I really look.” He frowned as he tucked Rose in under the covers, “Stop moving around so much, you’re making a mess out of the covers, stay still.”

“Mmmm...don’t scold me, old man...” Rose muttered in her sleep. 

Hmm…I can see how Rose will mistake him for an old man, you thought, he speaks like an old man and his voice is pretty husky…

“Wait, that doesn’t matter. Who are are all those people in the lobby and what happened to Suga?”

“That’s all because of the love potion.”, RM answered, “Rose swore to bring love to Suga but the potion that the teacher destroyed many years ago was really hard to make again. So she did endless experiments on her servants and guests.”

“Wait,” You said, “they’re her guinea pigs? That’s why they love Rose?”

RM sighed, wiping some drool off of Rose’s face, “Yes, that immature kid said it was all for Suga, but in the process she messed up the lives of all those people…and now Suga’s life, because he drank the potion, and your life, as the object of his affection, will be destroyed too.”

“W-what?” You cried out, wait he drank some love potion and that’s why he’s acting strange?, “Wait, why is my life ruined as well?”

RM studied you, his expression almost pitiful, “If you know beforehand, you won’t be able to get any sleep tonight.”

“What?”

“Kids need their sleep. I’ll send you to your house so you can have a good night’s rest. Starting tomorrow, your life will be completely ruined. You should at least have pleasant dreams tonight….I just hope that Suga doesn’t go as far as he did all those years ago…”

Before you could say anything, RM waved his hand and you were teleported to your bedroom. You didn’t move for the longest time, still shocked by everything RM told you.

How can I even sleep with that ominous parting message?, you thought.

You didn’t have a restful sleep at all. You kept tossing and turning, thinking about what RM told you and remembering Suga’s strange behavior. When you finally were able to sleep, you ended up oversleeping and had to hurry to get ready for school. You ran out of your apartment building when you caught sight of Suga.

“Suga!” You exclaimed in panic, you almost didn’t recognize him.

He wasn’t wearing his customary suit and tie, but an oversized sweater, jeans, a coat, and a scarf. You had to admit he looked very good in casual clothes, really human. The thing that shocked you the most, though, was that his hair was no longer blue, but the same shade your hair was. 

“Good morning.” He said.

“Your hair...”

“I thought I needed a change and decided on this color. Do you like it?”

You had to admit that he did look good in that color, but quickly snapped out of it.

“Sorry Suga, I wish could stay and chat, but I need to go to school...”

“Don’t go.”

“No, I’m already late I can’t--”

Suga gave you a gummy smile, “Don’t go, stay and play with me.”

This was the first time you’ve seen him truly smile and you felt your heart race by how handsome he looks when he smiles. You were almost tempted to do what he says.

“No!” You shook your thoughts, get a hold of yourself, this isn’t the real Suga, “I must do my best as a student. See you later!”

Suga pouted, “Is that so? Then I guess there’s nothing I can do. Let’s go together.”

You froze, “What?”

 “I want to see what you learn in that school, let’s go.”

“But--”

He took your hand and started to walk. You tried to wrench free but his grip was tight.

“Suga, really you can’t--”

“Don’t worry, my love.” Suga said, “I’ll be good.”

“Please stop following me”, you tried again, “how much further are you going to go?”

“As far as you go.”

Ah! I’m going crazy, you thought, I really can’t have him follow me everywhere. What I need is a distraction...

“Oh look!” You pointed to the opposite direction you were going to, “a UFO!”

Surprisingly, it worked and Suga looked. 

“Where?”

You took advantage and ran like hell before he noticed.  You reached your campus and had to stop to catch your breath; you really need to start exercising more. You started to walk again when a boy accidentally bumped into you. 

 “Sor--” He started to say but was interrupted by a voice. 

“Don’t touch her.”

You turned and saw a furious Suga stalking up to the kid. Oh no. 

“Excuse me, but--”

Suga grabbed hold of his shirt, his eyes flashing, “Do you want to die? No? Then don’t do around touching something that it not yours.”

His?, you thought, did he refer to you as a possession?

The man stuttered, “I-I’m sorry, I’ll be more c-careful next time.”

He shrank as Suga brought his face real close, “And don’t forget it,”He let go of his shirt and the boy scurried off. You just looked at Suga in shock. He was really going to kill that poor boy...

With a heavy heart, you walked into your class, closely followed by Suga. 

Hyelin smiled and waved you over, “Hey Y/N! Why are you so late? I saved you a seat.”

Before you could reply, Suga was already glaring at Hyelin, “Who are you to save her a seat? What relationship do you have with her?”

Hyelin shot you a look of confusion “Who’s he?”

Suga leaned over at Hyelin, “Don’t look at her—answer me.”

“I-I’m Y/N’s closest friend…but—”

Suga looked shocked, “Closest friend?”

Fearing the worst, you faked a bright smile and led him to an empty chair, “What are you talking about? Closest friend? I don’t know her! Here, sit next to me.”

You shot an apologetic look to Hyelin and she said, “What?”

“I’m sorry Hyelin, but if you don’t want to die, just sit somewhere else.” You whispered to her. Hyelin saw your desperate look and nodded, “Fine, but you’re going to have to explain to me later.”

You quickly sat down next to Suga, noticing that your little spat caused a commotion and people were murmuring all around you.

You looked at Suga, who had a content expression, “Are you happy now that you’re next to me?”

He shot you a smile, “Yes.”

The teacher started to lecture, but you turned to Suga.

“It’s fine for this class since there’s so many students, but my next class there’s only a few of us so the teacher would notice…”

“I refuse.” Suga simply said.

“Hey, if you really love me, can’t you listen to what I said, at least once? Isn’t that what true love is?”

“Didn’t I already listen to what you said once?”

“When?”

“Last night. When you told me to not follow you, I didn’t. I waited until morning to follow you, even though it pained me.”

You stared at him, wondering what have you done in a past life to deserve this, “Actually when you love someone you should listen to them more than once! Twice, three times, all the time. So please leave after this class.”

“Sorry, but you know I can only grant one wish.” Suga said with a smirk and you groaned.  

“Ah! I’m going crazy!” You dropped your head against the desk in defeat. 

“Ah, Y/N, nice for you to volunteer.” Your teacher said and you quickly brought your head up. Oh no. “Why don’t you go ahead and translate page 45 in your textbook?” 

 Right, this is English class, you felt dread wash over you.

 “Well, why don’t we listen to our cute Y/N’s excellent English pronunciation.”

“Ah yes.” You murmur, giving a side glance at Suga in panic. Please don’t call me cute.

Because your English pronunciation was good, you were Professor Kim’s favorite in the class and he was an old man that liked the compliment his students a lot. Usually that was fine...but not when you have a possessive stalker lover next to you. 

“Come up and read, cutie Y/N.”

You quickly opened your book to the page and spared a glance at Suga. He looked absolutely furious. 

Oh shit-

“Who are you calling ‘your cutie’! She’s my cutie!” Suga roared as he threw his desk, fire in his eyes. 

“Oh my god I’m so embarrassed.” You groaned as you walked by the park, with Suga in tow, “I don’t know if I can show my face in that class again. The classroom was completely destroyed so now my class has to share with another one.” You turned to Suga as tears began to form in your eyes, “You heartless stalker! Aren’t you even a bit sorry?”

Suga looked at you, then turned away, “I’m not sorry at all. I saw this is a movie once--love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

“You’re horrible!” You cried out, “How is this love? I’m in anguish because of you!”

Suga frowned as his eyes started to grow tears too, “I know you’re in anguish. My magic makes me empathetic so I feel what you feel. I’m suffering too. But I don’t know what else to do. I forgot the right way to love a long time ago. If no one shows me what to do, I’ll never understand it.”

You felt your face soften at his cute pout. 

“Well...okay. I’ll teach you how to love. Little by little.”

Suga perked up, “Really?”

“Yeah, what do you want to learn first? Ask me anything, I’ll teach it to you.”

Suga smirked as he walked up to you and stroked your cheek, wiping a remaining tear away, “How about how to kiss?”

You almost choked on your saliva. Oh my god, please, let Suga turn back to normal soon! Rose, you evil witch, what did you do to him? 

You pushed him away, “You bastard! Can’t you show a little basic human decency?”

“But I’m not human...”

“Stop playing with my words!” You cried out in frustration, “I agree to teach you about love out of the kindness of my heart and the first thing you want to do is kiss? You pervert! Such things come later, much later, when both parties like each other!”

You arrived at a playground and Suga sat on the swings.

“You don’t do it from the start?” Suga asked in surprise, “You’re not supposed to? That must be why that person got so mad back then...”

“What? What person?”

“Someone I loved a long time ago. When I tried kissing, that person almost killed me. So I thought that I had done it wrong.”

“What kind of person was it?” You asked, curious. I want to hear their side of the story, if it’s anything like mine...

“Do you really want to know? Then here, watch what I draw...” Suga crouched down to the sand, got a stick and started to draw on the ground. You watched him draw and had to admit he looked pretty cute. He was almost like a little kid. If only he would lose that stalker personality, this wouldn’t be so bad...

Suga turned around and looked at you. He then gave you that gummy smile of his and you couldn’t help but smile back. He looks so adorable. You then heard his phone ring but he didn’t move to answer the phone.

“Uh…Suga, your phone’s ringing.”

Suga answered the phone, “Yes, RM?...Rose is in trouble? If I don’t hurry she’ll be cut into pieces…?”

That’s right!, you thought, we just left Rose with that horde of stalkers! We’re in big trouble—this is no time to be talking about love. If we don’t hurry—

“Nope, I can’t go.” Suga simply said, “I’m on a date right now. You guys will need to solve this problem by yourselves.”

He promptly hung up the phone and you looked at him in shock.

“You…you better get over there now!” Suga ignored you and continued to draw in the dirt with his stick, “What are you doing? Go to Rose now! Aren’t you scared that your friend is in danger?”

“I don’t need friends.” Suga said, turning to you, “The only important thing is love, right? Let’s focus on ourselves.”

Ugh, there’s not getting through him, you thought, but if we don’t hurry Rose might actually die. What can I…you got an idea.

You smirked at Suga and grabbed his scarf, bringing him close to you, “Fine then, do you really want to play? You know, there’s always something I’ve always wanted to do once I got a boyfriend…you’ll help, right?”

Suga looked at you in fascination, “What’s that?”

You giggled as you got up, bringing him up with you, “Well…” You suddenly let go and started to run, “Run, honey! Catch me if you can!”

Hopefully this works, you thought as he ran after you.

He was enthusiastic at first, but after a while Suga grew bored of running.

“Can we stop now? How much further are you going to go? I want to play something else.”

You were already out of breath, but you forced yourself to say, “Now, honey, if you stop now I’ll cry! We have to go all the way back home.”

You lamented on how you got into this mess. You swore that when you see Rose, you’ll give her divine punishment. By some miracle, you were able to reach the elevator. Suga brought you into his arms.

“Got you.” He said happily, “Do I get my prize now?”

Prize, what prize? Did I mentioned a prize? Oh crap, I didn’t think this far ahead.

He brought you closer and you didn’t know if the racing of your heart is from the exercise or his close proximity. Suga leaned forward but before he can kiss you, you heard the elevator ding. Thankful for the distraction, you quickly slip from his arms and laughed.

“C’mon, let’s go inside.”

Man, being flirty is exhausting, you thought.

He pouted but followed you into his office. You heard a crash and your heart sank. You ran to the direction of the noise and saw that the horde tore open a hole where the secret bedroom you found last night was.  You saw Rose and RM, who was completely covered, and Rose looked very pale.

“My lady,” the man with the axe said, “let’s stop playing hide and seek now. We already explained and don’t want to annoy you anymore, that’s why we’ll divide you into equal pieces for all of us!”

He was about to strike Rose with the axe, but RM shoved her out of the way and was struck instead. Rose cried out as blood began to pour everywhere and you just noticed that Suga was next to you. Before the man could strike again, Suga snapped his fingers and the horde disappeared.

It was silent as Rose began to sob over RM’s body.

“No!”

“…your love potion is truly amazing, Rose.” Suga said, “One of my few friends died, but I’m not even sad nor do I want revenge for his death…the only thing I can think of is Y/N….I hate myself. Is this what you meant by helping me become a better person?”

Rose sobbed, “No, no, it’s not! All I wanted…you see…the only person I wished to impress…the only person I wanted to impress is lying dead in front of me!” She fell unto her knees and sobbed into her hands.

Suga stepped toward Rose, “Rose…it’s late, but here’s a present from RM.”

“What?”

“RM asked me for a wish. It was troublesome to grant it, but I had no choice. He wanted me to give all of his magic powers to you. He was willing to sacrifice all his magic and be a regular human for you to prevent you from doing the same mistakes he made.”

“He told me,” Rose murmured, “About how he made a love potion so powerful that even the sun fell in love with him and that’s why he had to hide from the sun. But what you end up taking from him?”

“A way to cancel the effects of the love potion.” Suga answered, “He spent his entire life looking for a way to break that kind of spell.”

“But…why did he make such a sacrifice…? He could have been just fine, if never cared for someone as worthless as me!”

“For two reasons. Look Rose, I’m no expert on love, but love takes many forms. When people fall in love, some become stalkers, some want to be acknowledged by others… and some endlessly criticize the person they love. He loved you. You were always important to him. You didn’t have to seek out his recognition. Just by living and breathing…he was grateful for that alone.”

 “And the second reason?” Rose asked, looking at RM’s body.

“I think you already know.” Suga answered. 

SUGA’S P.O.V

Suga examined his old friend, all healthy and alive.

“Damn, you really are a devious old man.”

“What, I am?”

“You were one of the most powerful magicians in the universe, even messing around with life itself. You knew that the magic used to revive the dead would be passed on to Rose, so that’s why you used your body, right?” Suga couldn’t help but be impressed by RM, “That little show was pretty effective, I doubt Rose will be careless about magic anymore.”

RM smiled, “Your teacher always told me I was the only one who could deal with Rose, it seemed like a good lesson for her.”

“True. A single wish eliminated all the love potions, plus you knew you’d come back from the dead. You killed two birds with one stone. It’s very rare for someone to achieve your level of sneakiness.”

“Who asked you to break the love spell on the sun?” RM said, smiling as he looked out the window, “I didn’t say anything about that. You’re just soft-hearted.”

Suga looked at RM in surprise, “Soft-hearted? Me?”

“Go ahead and deny it, but you’ve been like that since childhood. But during this past year, you seemed to have changed a bit…”

“Changed? How?”

RM turned and studied Suga, “Hmm…how can I describe it?...you’ve become more expressive. More…human.”

Suga couldn’t help but think of you, and that somehow you were to blame for this change. You were, after all, a very bad influence. Not that he’ll ever admit this to RM.

Suga snorted as he turned away, “Ridiculous. I’m a bloodless, tearless, emotionless magician.”

RM wasn’t fooled though, “You’re giving off a different vibe. The new you looks better…but I’m a little worried. Your newfound humanity may become a weakness. Be careful, V is back and hiding behind a new face.”

Suga stiffened at the mention of the fellow disciple. V.

“I’ll be fine.” Suga said, “I’ve dealt with V once, I’m sure I can deal with him again.”

[loreweaver-universe]

The first time I killed a man, I swore I'd never do it again.

We're more than just the sum of our experiences.  People, I mean; there's always that core of who you are, whether you're human, andlarian, an eighth-dimensional overbeing from the planet Klaaarg or just an uplifted, intelligent dog. I guess it's probably what you'd call a soul.

Your experiences shape that, mold it and twist it every which way; in another life, Steadfast might have been an insurance salesman, or Revenant a waitress, or Kinetic a soldier.  Instead: Paragon.  Avenger.  Scientist.

Superhero.

Your experiences may not be the be-all, end-all of your existence, but they play a role in who you are in this life...and I can take that all away.

I discovered my abilities as a child.  I was able to take...moments, from people.  That candy bar I'd walked out of the store with.  That chore I never did.  I was an entitled little brat, to be honest, but none of that part of my life really stuck with me.  A haze of childish hedonism, taking advantage of everyone I could get my hands on.   (Literally.  That's how my powers work.)

The first time I killed a man, it was my father.

He'd started to piece things together.  Missing moments, missing tidbits that he remembered but my mother didn't, or vice versa.  I'd had a good run--I was fifteen at that point--but I was a child, sloppy and careless.  One night when my mother was out, he confronted me.  I, being the arrogant, self-centered little shit that I was, tried to reach him, to make him forget the whole thing.

He grabbed a knife.

The details of the scuffle were unimportant, really.  He didn't get to take many swings at me before I got my hand on the back of his head. What I remember most clearly about that fight was what happened after: my father, confused, frightened, and entirely unaware of who he was, who I was, who he had been.  I took his whole life after high school away from him, and so the man who raised me was as good as dead.

He ran.  I did, too.

I don't know what my mother thought when she came home to find us both gone.  I know my father eventually turned up at his childhood home, confused and scared, and eventually had one too many nervous breakdowns and jumped from a thirtieth-story office.

Steadfast caught him before he hit the ground, but the light had gone out inside of him.  He made it two more years before drinking himself to death.

As for me...it goes back to a blur.  I didn't accomplish anything worthwhile in my late teens and early twenties.  I stole, I took advantage, I lived for me.  What else could I have done?  What else should I have done?

The second time I killed a man, I found out the answer to that question.

Firebug was a small-timer, in the grand scheme of things, but to me, he was the most frightening man in the world.  I happened to be in the lobby when he decided to hold up a bank.  I watched him burn frightened tellers, people I'd been fooling for months into helping me live in the lap of luxury, and I did nothing.  I watched him burn terrified hostages, and I did nothing.  I watched him turn on a wailing toddler, watched him flick that gaudy lighter he used to kick-start his flames, watched--

--I watched his arm fall to his side, the lighter clattering to the ground, his eyes meeting mine through those horrible tinted goggles of his, the confusion and fear playing across his face as I pulled his head back, until--

--until the light went out, and Firebug was gone.

The hostages ran.  I did, too.

I kept his stupid lighter, though.

I remember...I remember the shame of it.  Like I'd done something wrong by saving all those people.  I remember running from myself as much as from fear of recognition.  I remember...I woke up, days later, in a puddle of drool and vomited pills, and decided it was time to be someone new.

The third time I killed a man, I was as kind about it as I could be, considering the circumstances.

Doctor Kringle, to be quite frank, (and I am), didn't deserve it.  He was a real bastard, and only a real bastard would have hit on the theme of being an evil Santa.  Of all things, an evil Santa.  He couldn't even name himself something clever, or Krampus-themed, or any of that.  No, he'd dress up like Saint Nick, ghost himself into people's houses, give their children exploding presents or poisoned cookies, and then disappear.  He'd hit a few dozen homes each Christmas night and then vanish, and the American superhero community was running itself ragged after two consecutive Christmases of his heinousness.   They were finally zeroing in on his base of operations.  It was sheer luck that I got to him first.

The damnedest thing about Doctor Kringle was that he looked for all the world like that jolly-faced white-bearded corporate-controlled goofball image that was the modern-day representation of Saint Nicholas.  He looked the part, and so...

I found him through some old friends of mine, friends who quickly forgot I'd ever been there.  I snuck in while he was out buying groceries.  I hid in a maintenance closet under a pile of spare Santa costumes, and when he went to sleep that night, he never woke up.

Well, Doctor Kringle never did, anyways.  Christopher Freudenberger woke up just fine, in a motel ten miles down the road, with no memory of his crimes, or his abusive parents, or his failed attempt at starting a candy store in his youth.  All he remembered was that children were joyful and innocent, and that all he really wanted to be was Santa Claus for them.

He embraced his new life wholeheartedly.  I did, too.

I wasn't responsible for every disappearing supervillain.   Some of them were killed by their own plots, some retired or gave up, some just decided to melt back into the population and pretend nothing had ever happened.  Me, though?  I took down dozens over the years, from nobodies like Billy the Squid all the way on up to heavy-hitters like the first Earthmover.  Still don't think I did a great job with that one--you all found him pretty quickly after I got him.  I'm not gonna blame you for hauling him off to Faraday; the man'd held whole cities hostage before.  Still...I was pretty proud of having successfully shifted him over to wanting to start a family and settle down.

I hear his daughter's stirring up trouble in New York, these days.   Maybe you should look into her before she causes some real damage.

Yeah, I can see you out there, Steadfast.  You always were terrible at blending into the background, even in civilian clothes.  I know you can hear me through the walls, and I...want to thank you for letting me finish this recording.  It's terrible, to be forgotten.  I should know.

Still, maybe I'm not as forgotten as I thought I was.  This morning's paper, for instance.  That article by Kinetic's reporter friend was a gripping read, and it's really good to know that you heroes never stop looking into the unsolved cold cases.  Learning about the ongoing mystery surrounding the brain-death of small-time supervillain Firebug and the disappearance of his longtime partner Oblivion, well...

Sometimes, I wish I could forget that day.  I suppose in some ways I already have, but they were important ways.  Ways that made me who I am now.  The things I'm missing, I didn't need.  They made me...someone different.  Forgetting who Oblivion really was made me...better.  Reading this article just highlights the cruelty and callousness of my youth, and that, too, is something I don't need anymore.  I'd really like to forget it.  Until today, I already had.

I already threw the paper in the fireplace.  Used Firebug's stupid lighter to start the fire, too, and I'm now certain that this isn't the first time I've done that over the years.  I'm not asking everyone else to forget about Oblivion, you see; I'm just asking that you let me forget him.  In fact, all it takes is for me to grip the back of my head, like this--

[oldmaidwhovian]

Long-winded Story About A Bad Back

My shoulder is better, but now my sciatica is playing up a bit. Can't win for losin', lotsaluck. I first hurt my back getting run over by a horse at work. I was a groom at a boarding and lesson stable in Ballston Lake, NY in my early 30's. I gave up my nice office job to work there, because, A. I was turned down for a VERY nice promotion doing editing for the telephone directory publisher that I was working for, because of a test employees were required to take to receive any promotions within the company. So, while I had gotten one of the highest English scores (reading and grammar) in the company's history--I was told this by the big boss--who was very polite and regretful, that I also got the lowest math score they've ever had--even tho' there was NO math involved in that particular position. I would later find out 10 years on while attending Adirondack Community College (now SUNY Adirondack) that I had a math disability. And B. I love horses, and working with them--even for minimum wage and no benefits, was very literally a dream come true. And I didn't have to dress up for work anymore, haha. So I went to work, weekdays 5 days a week, starting around 6 or 7am and working to 3 or 4 in summer, till 5 or 6 in winter---ice and snow and Arctic cold made more work for me. Banging the ice out of 40+ water buckets and then putting them back and refilling them was time consuming, and putting turnout blankets on the horses, and maneuvering the wheelbarrow through the snow and ice...one time the iced up narrow wooden ramp I pushed the wheelbarrow up to the manure spreader caused me to slip and fall in, covering me with frozen horse poo. I wasn't hurt and simply got out of there and carried on, albeit with frozen muck in my hair---my hat fell off-- and on my jacket and jeans. I didn't see most of the boarders or customers coming for dressage lessons---it was a dressage stable. Dressage is sort of like ballet for horses. So I was surprised to see a new horse in a stall one day---a large pony, actually. I was later told that the the little girl who rode her was your typical 'obnoxious'  spoiled brat---so glad that I didn't work weekends when she was there riding. And she owned--or rather her mother owned, a POA (Pony Of the Americas) mare. POA's are just small pony-sized versions of appaloosas---the spotted horses first bred by the Nez Perce tribe in Idaho. I hate appaloosas---they are prone to have bad attitudes towards anyone but their owners or riders.. If horses could behave like entitled spoiled brats---that's almost every one I knew.Well..save 2 lesson horses I had, Crisco--a western horse I rode when I was 12, and Happy Appy, an English lesson horse I used one summer when I was 18. But handling aps as a groom....yikes. When I was a senior in high school, '78-'79, I spent a work-study program at Mill Pond Stables (now Dutch Manor), about 5 or 6 miles from school. One of the horse--Drift's Foxy Lady, was a champion Appaloosa owned by the record and electronics  company, RCA. Well, one time the stable owner, my boss, Gary Fineman, was finished working Lady, and handed off to me. And she took off, dragging me with her by the lead rope down the barn aisle, while I heard Gary laughing at me---I guess he wanted to teach me a lesson about controlling fractious horses---or it was a prank. Well he stopped laughing when the rope slipped through my hands and that 30,000 dollar champion mare bolted out the open barn door. Then he started cussing at me. So yeah, not fond of handling appaloosas. Fast forward to winter of '91 and the bratty girl's bratty POA mare---never did find out its name. I was leading it back to the  new barn with an indoor arena attached to it, (there were 3 separate barns). Well, I had two horses I was bringing in, one to the 'upper barn' and the brat to the newer 'lower' barn with the indoor. I got the first horse in it's stall near the barn door, when the stable's phone rang. As I turned back to answer it, SLAM! That darn mare did a 180 turn on a dime and ran right into me, tossing  arse over teakettle, knocking off my glasses and one boot. Cussing under my breath---when I got it back, that is, I was pretty winded, I groped about for my glasses, found them...unscathed thankfully, put my boot back on, got up and ran out the door, hoping she wouldn't run down Schuber Road and get hit by a car. Fortunately the only other weekday employee, my boss, the stable manager, Christine, caught the brat. And yelled at me, telling me off for letting her get loose. She had four legs and weighed roughly 350 pounds and could turn on a dime and give you 5 cents change. I had 2 legs, weighed 145 and had empty pockets...meaning that I was uncoordinated and slow to move---compared to the bratty pony, anyway. Chris caught the mare and put it in its stall and I got told off. This was on a Friday, so after work I got some food from the Burger Woof near my home, ate, showered, and went to bed. The next day I took my mom shopping for groceries, and we went home---I'd moved back in with my mom by then. As I recall I did some laundry, watched some TV with my mom---we both liked the British comedies on public television on Saturdays nights. So, I went to my room, listened to some folk and jazz music for a while, then fell asleep---and woke a few hour later, literally screaming. My entire left leg and back was hurting with indescribable, excruciating pain. An ambulance ride followed, down to an ER in Albany---where I saw my cousin Lisa, who's a nurse there...(my Aunt Ruth was head ER nurse, but wasn't there.). I had left-sided sciatica---a pinched nerve. I had it bad. I had no medical insurance, so I was given pain killers and sent home. I  fell asleep on the sofa in my mom's family room. And didn't wake again until Tuesday. Went back to work on Thursday, because horse grooms don't get sick pay. I later, in '95, developed sciatica on my right side after moving my mom's washer and dryer into a moving truck by myself. It still bothers me to this day

[cosmosogler]

hi guys it’s 10:30 i was looking at comics. i really like comics.

i woke up on time. i somehow ended up getting to the office actually late though? i’m not sure where the time went. maybe i spent too long making breakfast, i dunno.

i taught my class. one student told me she had been in one of my classmates’ sections the other week. i remember taylor told me about that. i kinda knew who it had been right away. not sure why she’s such a huge sammie fan. i told her i wanted to cut my hair but i’d leave it long enough for bows because bows are “kind of my look now i guess.” she said it was definitely my look. 

i had one student who was real concerned about his grade. i felt like i’d been real unfair to him... i helped him out this week by looking through his lab report and making sure he had answered all the questions and i caught one mistake for him. i can’t just give him a 100, but... i understand that he’s putting in effort and i want to reward that but i also need to be fair to my other students and i ALSO need to hit a certain grade average or else people who earned an a are going to be assigned b.

at the end of the class the girl asked who my favorite student was (highly implying it should be her). i said i like each of them equally. she pushed me further so i grinned and said i couldn’t pick favorites, but i also couldn’t lie to her. she thought i was gonna compliment her but instead i said they are all my favorites. the girl at the table behind us smirked.

i WANT to give them all an a. but suzanne does that and she really had to crank up her grade thresholds, which i find really unfair to the students. it’s kind of unfair to force the class average to be a certain number even if the students are genuinely doing well. but i also understand that it’s to try to account for all of us having different teaching styles and skills and grading preferences. they basically turn us loose on these poor undergraduates with no training other than “we have done the lab ourselves.”

anyway after that i went to my appointment with the care area. we got my medical drop paperwork finalized and sent a last thing to my professor, who needs to sign off on my dropped course approval. and... annie told me it’s done, as much as i have control over at least. i have no more work to do on this “project.” i feel... too open-ended, i guess. it’s disorienting to work toward a goal and then actually reach it, and in a really timely manner too. annie complimented how well i’ve handled everything. i gave her a list of the steps i’ve taken to improve my situation and she asked some questions. i think i was mostly just talking though and then we spent like 15 minutes trying to fix her computer so she could send the email to my professor. i didn’t have to make a follow up appointment, but i let her know i’d call and schedule something if a problem came up with my tuition waiver or if my meeting with the individual therapist didn’t go well so we could get me set up with the counseling center for next semester.

then i biked over to the pharmacy and picked up my meds. i googled my therapist just to confirm the address and then hopped on a bus over to the other side of town! i had to bike up a big old hill and then i got to where google said her office would be. 

it was a law firm. i checked that her name was correct. it was. the person at the desk there was extremely confused. i got sent next door to an in-house care specialist and that wasn’t right either. they sent me to the other side of the parking lot to the autism center. i asked them what was going on and the lady behind the counter there googled the therapist and found the same exact address i did. 

i scrolled through my phone texts trying to figure out what the problem was and then i realized that the insurance web site had given a different address than google. her actual office is 17 blocks north of my apartment complex, which was on the other other side of town. i was gonna cry.

i hustled back down to the bus stop and caught the bus headed the other way. FORTUNATELY i had left for the office just over an hour early so i still had 15 minutes before i was gonna be late. i called karin and told her what had happened. i also learned how to put my bike on the front of the bus, which was an adventure and ended up with me getting whacked in the back of the head by my own handlebars. and also taking a tire to my shirt more than once. my good ice cream shirt that i had just given a stain treatment.

it looks like it’s fine but i was unhappy about the road dirt getting under my fingernails and everything.

it took a half hour to get across town and sprint-bike up the 17 blocks to her office. i don’t think i’ve biked that fast in my life and i even kept hitting red lights.

her name wasn’t on the office sign at the side of the road marking the address. i frowned. there were cats at the back door on the porch. they were nice enough but i didn’t have time to stop to pet them. i was 15 minutes late.

inside there was a bunch of the typical crystal healing stuff. i saw a flyer for “lymph drainage cleansing” or something like that. that put me on edge a little bit, considering the last therapist i had who was into that stuff back in march.

karin herself was eager to get down business though. i filled out a page of paperwork and got my insurance squared away. i ran through a list of current problems i was having (lack of energy, mostly, and having a hard time managing to get stuff done with what energy i do have) and what i was doing about them. she asked if there were any other ways i could streamline my homework/grading process and i didn’t have any ideas right then. i talked about my family a little bit and told her my mother and brother were coming to visit next wednesday. she said she’d really like to see me again before that happens so i’m seeing her again in a week. i like her well enough for now.

we only got to talk for a half hour but she let me fill out the majority of my paperwork after the appointment instead. the writing was so blurred and tiny that i had trouble figuring out what some of the questions were and had to cross out initial answers when i figured out what this or that word was. then i groaned because i realized my backpack and everything in it were still back at the office. so i biked the 30 blocks back to campus, sat around feeling exhausted, had a snack, and then came back home at around 7 (...?), which was way longer than i wanted to take. i was so tired, trying to get up the hill on the way home. even getting to the second stoplight was just... i was out of breath.

i notice that i can make way sharper left turns than right turns. i wonder what’s up with that.

when i got home i made myself some dinner, and made my pasta salad for the rest of the week, and changed out snoopy’s litter box. publix only sells the disposable ones so i got a replacement last weekend... while i was out by the trash chute i looked out over the courtyard. it was a little chilly. hard to remember i live in the middle of florida, with the cold nibbling at my arms. the tall buildings across the street looked surreal. the whole courtyard was so empty i had trouble remembering how many people live here. i caught someone using the elliptical in the gym through the window though so at least there was one human in my field of vision. 

after that i watched one youtube video i had bookmarked earlier (out of the four- three are gonna be reasonably watchable, the last one is like an hour long and i don’t think i’ll be able to get to it for a long while), and the rest of the night was COMMENTARY!! AND COMICS!!!

(like an hour.)

i let my leisure time cut into my journal writing/bed time though. i just don’t feel like i have enough of it to really feel like i relaxed or took some time to myself every day. like a full time job is eight hours a day, five days a week. grad school has been 9-11 hours a day, 6 days a week. some weeks, six and a half days. and... i know that grad school is hard and i’m not supposed to have free time. but like... i need to rest, you know? my body and my brain are falling apart.

while i was at my office hour in the lab help session today jennica came in to hang out. i told her that i don’t know how they do it. how they get all the homework done even when they only start on the last possible day. she said they just don’t sleep. i said i don’t really have that option and she said “you’re a grad student, you don’t get sleep any more.”

i said “if i don’t sleep enough every night i literally will die.” 

she thought i was joking so i told her if i don’t get enough sleep for too long i start seeing weird stuff that freaks me out and i hurt myself. she said oh. it was... part of why i wasn’t doing well at villanova my first two years of college. the second year it was more because of irregular sleep than lack of it. and, you know, everything else that was going wrong with my life.

i think i burned myself out in high school really bad. like i thought i was young and springy and i didn’t NEED to sleep, i had so many other fun things to do!! internet people to talk to!!! stories to write!!!! i was lucky to get five hours of sleep most nights. i did that for like three years. most nights. things didn’t start getting spooky until my body straight up quit one morning and i almost passed out at our morning assembly. i had to go to the hospital for a few hours and get checked out and everything. the doctor told me i wasn’t drinking enough and that i had to take a whole day doing nothing but drinking tons of fruit juice and gatorade and water. 

after that i carried a water bottle around everywhere. i still do. it helps me remember to stay hydrated.

but the sleeping problems persisted through undergrad. it gets kinda rough trying to rest at my parents’ house too. and it really did wear out my health for several years straight after those first few years of high school. but i’m doing way better now.

but apparently grad students don’t get to sleep i guess? 

my anxiety really does stay under control way better when i get regular sleep though. eight hours is ideal, seven hours is... ok for maybe five days and then it gets bad. i don’t get much more out of nine hours than i do eight... and i need every extra hour of being awake i can get.

i dunno. one good thing today is that when i was resting at the office before trying to tackle the ride home, i was talking to luis about homework i guess. rebika keeps asking if i’ve finished the homework the day before it’s due and it’s like, rebika, i am still three weeks behind, please stop. i told her something like that finally, i said something like i’d get it done when i could and i was keeping the professors informed. she asked if she could do that too and i asked what steps she was taking to remedy her situation. she said none and taylor joked that that would be too responsible. he kinda glanced at me when he said that.

it’s just, it’s nice to get the feeling that my classmates have faith in me. that they believe i am working hard with the resources i have, even though i don’t feel that way. you can say you don’t care what other people think all you want, but it is a genuine relief to know that most of them know i’m doing my best and believe that. not having the silent judgment of my peers hanging over my head is a relief to me. 

i can take rebika’s judgment. she doesn’t pay enough attention for her opinion to mean much to me, even if i care about her wellbeing. luis seems to be suffering from even more intense lethargy than i do but he just doesn’t sleep i guess. i don’t usually check in with his homework situation because it stresses me out to talk about it. he’s also just really good at physics and picks up homework concepts faster than i do.

he said his grades aren’t as good as i think they are. taylor’s aren’t either. he watches a lot of anime in the office. suzanne also said her grades aren’t as good as i probably think they are. we had a conversation about the american education system as compared to, say, europe’s. like ioannis just knows all this stuff already and he gets fantastic grades. some of us (like harrison) know some of the material from undergrad, but for people like me, from fricking arizona, even the beginning of these courses was essentially new. suzanne said that being an american physics undergraduate just does not put you at the level that phd students should be at. and when you have your phd you’re still not at the level you should be at, which is why postdocs end up happening for so long i guess.

anyway. i’ve been a little cagey with my friends about what i’ve been doing, spending so much time out of the office, but it’s good to know that they, sort of, understand, maybe indirectly. like they look at me and seem to see me working hard, even though i don’t feel like i am and i feel like i spend a lot of time slacking off. (an entire half hour!!! oh no!!!!!!!)

i can’t know what they REALLY think, of course, but their behavior and wording suggest they are supportive.

[whimzea-blog]

Better than Sex 4/?

Title: Better than Sex

Author: whimzea

Pairing: Zane/Heath

Summary: Heath attempts to quit smoking cold turkey on a five-day camping trip with Zane in Sequoia National Park.

Also up on AO3 here.

Zane let Heath set the pace. At first it was fast and furious, as Heath was still pissed off about the truck, but after tripping over a branch and nearly face-planting, he was a bit slower. Now, Heath seemed to be in a zen-like state, moving forward up the trail without speaking, sighing, or grumbling. It was a nice change from the morning.

It smelled good in the woods, and Zane was thoroughly enjoying seeing something besides pavement and strip malls. LA had its nice spots, but this was nature nature. Not a couple of palm trees and manicured grass. A mile in, they passed the family of four looking up at a tree. Zane sort of wanted to know what they were looking at, but if he stopped, Heath would lose him in a second. Fuck, he was going pretty fast for a guy who just stopped smoking a pack-a-day.

At the end of mile two they reached a “creek”, which unlike the creeks they knew in Florida, was cold, fast, and didn’t look too great for fishing or swimming. In fact, there was even a sign that said NO SWIMMING. Too bad.

Heath stopped, breathing heavily. Zane flopped down on the edge of the trail and pulled two bottles of water out of his pack, offering one to Heath.

They stayed there for a long time, not speaking, just listening. Heath pulled out his phone and starting taking photos of the creek, the trees. Zane just watched. When the family of four finally caught up to them, pausing to ooh and aah at the creek, Zane looked at his Fitbit. He had taken a lot of jeering from the guys for that particular purchase, but now that he was working out more, it was handy as fuck. It had the time and everything.

“We better head back,” Zane said, his voice sounding strange after not speaking for hours. “We want to get to camp way before dark so we can set up the fire pit. And it’s a lot of uphill this direction.”

He expected some snide remark from Heath about him not only being a prison warden but a drill sergeant too, but Heath only nodded.

The little girl from the camp site ran up to Heath, her fist clutched. “Look what I found!” She opened her fist, revealing a rock flecked with tiny gold flakes. “Pretty cool, huh?”

She beamed up at Heath, and the man smiled back. “Very cool. Don’t lose it.”

“I won’t!” she assured him before running back to her parents.

Zane stood, brushing off his shorts. Heath passed him and they resumed their hike, Heath still in the front, but maybe a bit slower this time.

Half a mile from the creek, Heath stopped in the middle of the trail. “What’s up?” Zane asked, catching up to him. “You alright?”

Heath looked him in the eye for the first time that day and stepped towards him. He opened his mouth to say something, but seemed to change his mind at the last minute. Heath pulled out his phone.

“Before my phone dies, we should vlog something,” Heath said. “I’m sure the viewers would love to see me hot and sweaty in nature.”

“Who wouldn’t?” Zane replied, grinning.

Heath smiled for the first time since- fuck, yesterday?- and hit record. “Hi ya’ll…”

Zane pulled a face for the camera and jogged ahead. Things were getting better.

Heath’s phone died a quarter of a mile from the camp, and they walked back side by side in good spirits. Heath hadn’t apologized for being a total dick, but Zane had a sneaking suspicion that there was more dickishness to come and he was waiting to beg for forgiveness at the end.

“Fuck, I want a cigarette,” Heath groaned, collapsing into one of the camp chairs.

“Yeah, nothing like sucking in some nice black tar and nicotine after breathing in the clean, fresh air of a millennia-old forest,” Zane dead-panned, setting his backpack down and rolling out his shoulders.

“Fuck you,” Heath said without any heat. “Can I have a beer at least, Mom?” “No,” Zane said, shaking his head. “Not until we fix up the fire pit. Last thing I need is for you to stumble into the woods drunk looking for firewood and get mauled by a coyote.”

“That would be good clickbait,” Heath mused, before getting Zane’s damp balled-up t-shirt in his face.

“C’mon. We need wood. We’re allowed to pick up what we find,” Zane said, heading towards the patch of woods near their site.

Heath watched Zane- well, Zane’s back, to be more specific- as Zane continued to roll out his shoulders, his deltoids moving beneath his skin, sprinkled with sweat. He stared until Zane turned around. “You coming?”

Heath shook his head and followed.

It took much longer than necessary to start the fire due to Heath’s whining, but eventually they had a roaring fire, had polished off two beers and three hot dogs each, and were contemplating make s’mores. It was starting to get dark, and it seemed the family of four had already started in on their own s’mores making.

“Mom, can we have those guys over for s’mores?” the little girl yelled loudly, pointing in Zane and Heath’s direction.

“Olivia, don’t yell,” her mother chided, looking up at Zane and Heath and rolling her eyes.

“Seems like she’s taking a liking to you two,” the woman called over with a smile. “Care to join us?”

“Yeah, care to join us?” Olivia repeated, holding up a stick with an unroasted marshmallow impaled on the top.

“Might be a good distraction,” Zane said lowly into Heath’s ear, nodding towards Heath’s jittery leg which hadn’t stopped bouncing since they sat for dinner.

Heath elbowed Zane and stood up. “How could I turn down an invitation from such a charming young lady?”

“What about him?” Olivia asked, pointing at Zane.

“I have to go take a shower, because I really smell,” Zane said in mock seriousness.

Olivia giggled. “My brother smells all the time. I don’t mind.”

“Olivia!”

As they parted ways, Heath called towards Zane. “Leave the truck keys?”

“Not on your life,” Zane called back, grabbing his shower bag from his stuff and heading towards the bathrooms.

Two hours later, both Heath and Zane were freshly showered, full of s’mores and beer (Olivia’s dad had stocked up) and by their own fire pit.

“I’m fucking beat,” Zane groaned.

“It’s only 9:00,” Heath scoffed. “Old man.”

“I’ve been up since 4 in the fuckin’ morning,” Zane shot back, downing the last of his beer. “Put out the fire, I’m going to piss.”

“But it’s warm,” Heath whined.

“Only you can prevent forest fires,” Zane responded before heading off to the woods.

To Zane’s surprise, the fire was almost out when he came back- just a few burning embers that Heath was throwing dirt on.

They stood awkwardly in the dark.

“I’m not tired,” Heath said, at the same time Zane asked, “are you still going to sleep in the truck?”

“My phone is dead, and I can’t even play Candy Crush,” Heath complained, ignoring Zane’s question.

“You’ll live,” Zane said, heading towards the tent. He crawled in.

“Hey, what if we get eaten by a bear? How will we call for help with no cell phones?”

“There’s an emergency phone in the camp office,” Zane replied. “And a charging station. We can use it in the morning. And anyways, my phone isn’t dead.”

“Can I play with it?” Heath asked, his eyes wide. Zane really wished Heath was talking about something other than his phone.

“Sure, but you have to stay in the tent.”

“No I don’t.”

“You literally do- I gave the truck keys to Olivia’s dad.”

“You what?”

Zane slid into his sleeping bag. “Insurance. You’re jittery like a crackhead. I trust you not to kill me in my sleep, but I don’t trust you not to take the truck and burglarize a convenience store.”

“You can’t just give my truck keys to a complete stranger!”

“Heath, they drive a fucking Range Rover- I don’t think they want anything to do with your Toyota.”

“Hey! My truck is sexy as fuck and you better shut your mouth.” Zane did indeed shut his mouth, and after throwing Heath his phone and setting up the old-school alarm for the morning, he closed his eyes, too.

Sighing in defeat, Heath zipped up the tent and got into the other sleeping bag. He cursed when he realized that he couldn’t play Candy Crush without Internet. He cursed when the only game he could play was some 90’s looking version of Solitaire. He cursed when Zane started snoring. His head hurt. And he had to pee.

Fuck camping.

[bluepenguinstories]

Happiness Overload Chapter Thirty-Eight

It would not stop.

“TRENT! GET OUT HERE!”

This is not what I need right now.

“What did you wake me up fo...oh...MY!”

Just go away. Go back to bed.

Though I couldn't see very well, I could tell they were near me. That I was the cause of all this commotion just made the situation that much worse.

“I'll call an ambulance.”

“No!” My voice meant to come across more assertive, a demand, but instead was an aching moan. While I continued to spill my guts, Trent continued to be unhelpful.

“If money's your concern, you're on our insurance, it should be fine...”

It stopped for now, but my breaths were heavy as I continued to make heaving motions.

“Trent, she threw up blood, I'm pretty sure that's not normal. Hun, did you eat something bad?”

I shook my head. Yes, it was true I hadn't been holding food down well lately, either, but that was such a minor detail that it didn't seem worth mentioning to them.

“You're right. Maybe she's pregnant.”

Both Juniper and I balked. “What?”

Then, Juniper added: “Don't look at me, I'm sterile.”

“Really? Now's not the time.”

Those two were ridiculous. Why did I think it was a good idea to go back to them?

“I'm not pregnant. Trent, you're an idiot.”

Juniper nodded. “How are you even a doctor?”

You know what? That's a good question.

He looked adamant, however. “I just want to cover all the bases here.”

As he walked off, Juniper crouched down and turned to me. “Hey, it's gonna be okay.”

I shook my head. “I've been sick for a while...”

“That's probably what you were trying to tell me when you said you hadn't been yourself.”

I mean, in a way, you're right.

Trent came back with some thermometer thing.

“Here, it's a pregnancy test.”

“You can't be serious,” I groaned.

I took the thing from his hand anyway and went off into the bathroom. After a few minutes, I came out, not amused by what I just did.

“There, I peed on your stupid thermometer.”

“Hm. Well, negative.” He tossed it.

“Why do you even have something like that?” Juniper questioned.

“Never know what will come in handy. There's a whole slew of medical supplies in the guest room. I still think we should at least take you to the hospital.”

“I serve no one,” I hissed.

“I mean, it's more like they're the ones who would be serving you...”

That felt wrong as well. All I wanted was to be left alone. I turned my attention to Juniper, who remained beside me.

“Can you help me up?” Hoarse, my throat was burning, torn up.

She nodded and pulled me up, then wrapped her arm around my shoulders. Nestled in, the warmth was something I could have lived with forever. I should have been more grateful, but instead...

“Take me to the couch, please.”

We walked on over to the living room and the whole way, in my weakened state, I thought of how I would have liked to take some of her blood. She may have even let me, if I asked. Ah, but it would have done nothing for me. She was no angel. In a literal sense, anyway. When we got to the couch, she laid me down and kissed me on the forehead.

“Will you be okay?”

I nodded. No, I wouldn't be okay. But what could be done other than tell her that yes, I would, and that there was no need to worry, so please, go back to bed.

So she did, and I was left to lay in the darkness, my head turned to the side. Dizziness set in, the hazy atmosphere. Everything a murky shade, blending together. Fearing the return of sickness, I closed my eyes and covered my mouth. When the feeling passed, I opened them again and noticed a glowing orb on the coffee table. It must have been the angel.

I reached my hand toward it, but it was just out of reach. Even when I tried to reach further, it was still further away. Not only that, but my arm was so slow to move at all. I was so weak. If only I could touch it, take it with in me...

I stopped myself. My eyes widened. There was no orb.

“What am I doing...” Even if there was, I thought back to what Rhea said. If I was originally meant to be some sort of vessel for this entity, then wouldn't I be doing just what they wanted?

Either a hum or a low moan escaped from me. Sleep eluded me.

Rhea, the strange cold mercenary. She said she knew where I lived. She would have no qualms targeting Juniper and Trent if it meant getting to me. For all I knew, Rhea still thought she killed me. But it was only a matter of time, wasn't it? Then, she could appear here, at any moment, take us all out...

Just being around them put them at risk.

Making canned soup was such a delicate art. Sure, there was the instructions on the can, but those were just guidelines. You weren't going to get the best results just reading off of a can. That's why instead I just dumped some water over it, sprinkled a few tofu bits, salted that bad boy up, and called it good after a few minutes.

Doing my best server impression, I tiptoed to the living room and set the bowl down on the coffee table. She was already sitting up, huddled in a blanket, and staring off into space. It was rather cute, but I suppose I'm a little biased there.

She stared down, then turned to me and croaked out a few words.

“What is this?”

“Miso soup! Your favorite!”

“When did I ever say...”

“I just figured since you're vegetarian and all I ought to make a soup without any meaty bits.”

“Why?”

Her voice sounded so scratched up, even as she tried to sound clear, it came out just a little more than a whisper.

“I always hear how soup is good for when you're sick, so...yeah!”

She stared down and stirred the bowl a bit before looking back up at me.

“I don't want it.”

“But it'll make you feel better!”

“I don't need you to make me feel better.”

“Aw, is my Vespiquen grumpy?”

“I don't even know what that is.”

“It's a --”

“I didn't say I wanted to know.”

There was nothing to worry about, it was a known fact that when people are sick, sometimes they aren't in very good moods, so that's all it was!

“Fine. I'll have a little.” Her voice came in a little more clear, and once she said those words, I gave her a smile before walking off into my workshop. There were things to build and I had a feeling the day would turn out great!

Hm. There was an effort made. I could have at least thanked her. But if I did, what good would that have done? Kindness was the opposite of what was needed.

I should have said something then and there. The more I waited, the harder it would be.

Besides you haven't even recovered.

Did I even deserve one last meal? I took another sip and smiled. Regardless of whether or not I could have called this place my home, the peaceful life I had brought me great joy that couldn't be replaced. Yet I was prepared to tear it all down.

Another sip of the miso soup. Salty broth, almost metallic. Like blood.

Vegetarian? I tried to eat someone's severed hand. I'm pretty sure human flesh can't be considered a vegetable.

It was too still in the house. Cleaned my bowl, placed it into the dishwasher. Normal, mundane things. Just what I had grown to love.

From out of the closet, I grabbed my nightgown. It was still so early in the day, but it didn't matter; that article was the only blanket I needed. Before long, it would be night, and if I had to wait too long, I would make it night, myself.

I set my glasses on the stand next to the door. There would be no need for them where I was going. I noticed a crack in one of the lenses. When did that occur?

For that matter, why haven't they broken completely? You remember what happened last night. Could it be they broke and you just manifested new ones, only to deliberately break this one? It makes sense. You are the type who enjoys breaking things.

If only I could get a better hold of my thoughts.

Just as I was about to reach for the door, Juniper walked out from her workshop and caught me in my tracks.

“Hey hun! Going out?”

I shook my head and smiled.

Come on. Don't hesitate.

“Yes, and I won't be coming back.”

“Okay! Well, have fun!”

That struck a nerve in me. Or maybe it was all part of the play.

“Did you not just hear me? I'm leaving!”

“Yeah! Oh, before you do, though, I wanna show you the bird feeder! It's finally done!”

She ran back into her workshop.

I have to break her. That's the only way I will no longer be tethered to her.

When she ran back out, she held the bird feeder in her hands.

“Okay, imagine my fingers are a little bird!” She tried to demonstrate.

“Stop...”

The mechanical mouth lowered and seeds fell out.

“Isn't it great? I'm sure the birds are gonna love this!”

“It's useless.”

“Hm?”

“Birds don't need any help eating. They can do it just fine on their own.”

“Maybe! But I think it's a fun idea! Here, lemme show you something else.”

“STOP!”

She didn't even step back into the workshop this time, she did just as I demanded and turned to me.

“Is everything okay?”

“Just let me go.”

“You can go, I just want you to be happy! If there's anything I can do, I'd be ha--”

“Don't. Even.”

“So there's nothing?”

“There has never been anything you could do because you've been the problem. You and your idiot brother.”

“Heh, yeah. He is pretty dumb.”

“No! You're supposed to call me out! Defend him!”

“But why? I know you don't really dislike him.”

“I do. You too. I could never stand either of you. I can't stand the way you try to look for a positive in anything, or so quick to forgive. Just once I'd like it if you could stand up for yourself, get angry. Anything.”

“But why would I do that?”

“Because I've kept things from you. Like how I poisoned Blanc every night when they slept, just so they would continue to forget. Or how I hurt them and took from them all so I could improve my situation.”

“Well, did you?”

“That's not the point!”

I was starting to boil over. At that moment, I was no longer sure whether or not my rage was really an act.

“I took from them,” I tried to explain. “Against their will. That wasn't a good thing. I took a sample of their blood, and then I drank it. Doesn't that disgust you at all? Doesn't that horrify you?”

“We've all done gross things here and there.”

“I killed your stalker. Just last night.”

“What matters is you're not hurt.”

“NO! Why aren't you condemning me? What do I have to tell you? How far do I have to go?” I clenched my fists. My arms were shaking. There wasn't a part of me that didn't shake.

“I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY!”

“AND I JUST WANT YOU TO HATE ME!”

“FINE! I HATE YOU!”

I smiled and nodded. That was it. I opened the door.

“Thank you.”

Everything became so unclear to me.

Did her feeling so sick make her delirious? No. I couldn't chalk it up to that. Even if that were the case, it still didn't explain anything.

I wanted to sit down, lay down. Rest. Reassess with a clear head. But all I could do was stand in place.

“...Why did I say that?”

Outside of a shelter on the edge of town, I sat next to the wall and nestled my head in my knees. Night was already upon me.

“So here I am. I can already feel this face start to crack. It's been a mask, really. All I've gained is the ability to bring my true self to the surface.”

Wind brushed against me, a chill. Even in the middle of the year, the nights could grow cold. How easy it was to forget such a fact.

“Why are you here?”

I was joined by a visitor who also took shelter. Said visitor sat next to me, though I didn't feel any less alone, I entertained the company.

“This man tried to separate her from me. He stalked her under the pretense of keeping her safe, but it turned out his presence wasn't necessary.”

“What do you mean?”

“I made her tell me she hated me.”

“Why would you do something like that?”

“For the same reason he did – to keep her safe.”

“But you love her, don't you?”

“Do I? Hard to say. People mostly irritate me. There's a lot I was willing to put up with just so I could feel like I had a normal life. She provided that sense of stability and normalcy. That's all.”

“So you made her tell you she hated you? How?”

“This may sound silly, but let's just say whatever I believe will make me happy, I can make happen. If I wanted, I could have made her say anything. Or do anything. I could have made her throw something at me for added effect. But I wanted it to feel genuine. I think I am happy with the way things turned out.”

“That's rather childish of you.”

“No way, I'm plenty mature!”

“People aren't your playthings.”

I fell silent. I stared up at the night sky. So many stars. Or maybe they were all a falsehood; just the glimmer of satellites and aircrafts.

“Maybe you're right. I just couldn't think of a better way at the time.”

“Even if you felt it best to leave, you could have explained yourself. I'm sure she would have understood.”

“I just don't operate that way.”

“How do you think she's going to feel when she realizes what transpired?”

That struck me. Damn it, I really could have picked a better option. I buried my head further in my legs and began to tear up.

“I really don't want to hurt anyone...”

“Yet you felt it justified to do just that.”

I nodded. That I couldn't deny. It really wasn't fair, that I should have ever met her. It was all under bizarre circumstances and I decided after some time to forge a new identity, leave my old life behind. But I could never fully do that, either? For someone who wanted to be seen as a calm and collected adult, I sure had a habit of always looking back and thinking of the times I was younger.

My own time. Where I should have stayed, if everything had been normal. If I hadn't tried to act as a new person and instead stayed the same as that passionate teenager. Is that all I did as I got older? I didn't grow up. I just lost my passion.

What should have happened was that I should have grown up in my own time. Become an activist or go through school and become a legitimate therapist. Or a doctor. Or someone who studies poisonous plants for a living. I should have grown old, and wise.

“If you could be who you wanted to be, what would that look like?” My visitor asked.

“I'd like to be an activist. Rallying on the streets. Fighting to make the world a better place.”

“You? An activist? I thought you disliked humanity.”

“Irritated. There's a difference. Really, it's just the principle. It's good to have a goal and to fight for something, isn't it? So what's wrong with 'I want to make the world better' as a goal?”

“It's just hard to picture you in that role.”

“Believe it or not, I used to be good at raising my voice.”

If that was really what I wanted, I could have done it again. Raise my voice. But did it really spark joy to be loud just for the sake of it? I wasn't sure of the answer, so instead I thought back to a fond memory: that of a child, out in the neighborhood, playing in the snow. Having snowball fights with neighbor kids, building a snowman.

“It's snowing...”

I looked up and found that she was correct. Even in the middle of the year when a wave of heat would be more likely, if I could wish a weather anomaly, then it would happen. Little flakes of snow dropped on my head, landed in my hair, coated my robe.

“I used to love seeing the snow. It brought me joy watching the landscape covered in these sheets of frost. I would lay in the grass and make snow angels. Then, when spring came around and the snow would start to melt, to watch the sun reflect upon the grass, the melted snow turn to moisture which helped to accentuate the scenery...ah, what a beautiful sight.”

The one beside me stuck out a tongue and extended an arm.

“It's warm.”

Warmth in the snow. What an interesting thought. I looked over to see her stand up.

“So have you come to kill me?”

“I don't think it has to come to that.”

“What about that rifle next to you?”

“That's just in case it comes to that.”

I nodded. “I see...”

“I think I'm starting to get a better picture of you. Which in a sense makes you all the more dangerous.”

“How did you know I wasn't dead, anyway?”

“If you were gone, I wouldn't have felt the presence anymore. At first I thought maybe it would take some time and my tracker would no longer detect the entity. Alas, that didn't happen.”

“I see. So there's a device that can sense me.”

“Not you. What you contain.”

“Same difference.”

“So what do you say?”

“My answer is still no.”

“I would rather not kill you tonight. Maybe you will change your mind. You don't have many options.”

“I'd just like to rest.”

“I'll show some mercy. Rest.”

It continued to snow. My eyelids grew heavy. I knew I didn't deserve this respite.

Whether or not humanity was at stake, call me selfish, but she provided me the chance to feel just a little bit of warmth. I couldn't help but wonder if the snow would continue to drop as the night went on, even as she went deeper and deeper into sleep.

Asleep, she looked innocent. If only I could have seen her that way. I pointed my rifle and aimed for the head, but rather than fire, I lowered it and set it back down. Hunting a beast while they slept just wasn't very exciting. It felt wrong, just letting her sit, but it felt even more wrong to take the shot.

“What's gotten into me? I'm not one to worry about honor or mercy.”

I brought out my thermos and twisted off the lid. As I drank from it, I stared at her.

Did she really deserve such kindness?

“There you are!”

That voice. It couldn't be...

I brought myself up from the ground, my slumber interrupted by the familiar voice calling for me. Next to me sat Rhea, not having moved from her spot. She was deep in sleep.

Everything was a blur, but I could make out a figure running toward me. I managed to pick myself up and was astonished to find that she was right next to me, and tugged at my hand.

“Thank goodness I found you!”

“What? Why are you here?” It was definitely Juniper. Even if I were to have gone blind, there was the matter of her scent and voice that was unmistakable.

“I was up all night looking for you! We need to get you home!”

She dragged me along with a strength I never knew she had and I was pulled away from the shelter.

“Sorry if she bothered you, lady! My wife's been sick!”

I looked behind me and saw that Rhea was standing and watching us.

“It was no bother. I needed to keep watch over her anyway.”

I tried to pull myself away, but her grip was tight.

“Why are you doing this? I wanted to keep you away from me!”

She turned her head and smiled, “even if you want me to hate you, I still need to make sure you're well!”

“Let me go!”

“I want you to be happier!”

“I SAID LET ME GO!”

I broke free. The sound of birds flying off in the distance could be heard. My throat still hurt, even as I screamed those words. She looked unfazed.

“I'll do anything you want me to if it will make you happy!”

“Why are you acting like this?”

“Do you want us to fight? I can do that if you want!”

“She's not going to stop,” came the cold voice of Rhea. “She's become devoted to you. If you aren't in a constant state of joy, she will break herself down to serve you.”

“Why?”

Juniper reached for my hand once again, but I swerved out of the way. “Come on! When we get home, I'll make you some basil and artichoke pasta! Your favorite!”

It was like she didn't even notice what Rhea said, and she was just laser-focused on me.

“This is what makes you so dangerous. All who come in contact with you only have one purpose now: to ensure your happiness. Anything else no longer matters to them, not even their own.”

“She doesn't deserve this...”

“You didn't seem to have a problem controlling her just yesterday.”

“I did it so we could be apart! She shouldn't be here! This isn't what I wanted at all! I would be much happier if I knew she was safe and free from me!”

“Duly noted! Going back home!”

As she walked off, I was left in bewilderment. More so, fear and regret.

“It doesn't matter what your intentions were. The longer this goes on, the more will be affected until everything and everyone breaks themselves down, unable to support themselves.”

“Is there any way to reverse this?”

She shook her head. “I cannot be certain, but if you leave this world, there is a chance that she will revert to how she was before.”

I began to cough, and heave. I covered my mouth, but luckily, nothing came out this time.

“I'm sorry. I'm still...”

“I know. There's no helping it.”

“I just need more.”

“That's the problem, now isn't it? You will continue to crave more, but you won't find any more. At least not in this world. Aside from you, the entity doesn't exist here.”

“It's like it's trying to leave me. I thought I could finally live the life I wanted, but all it's doing is causing me pain...”

“The problem is that you are human.”

“What?”

“It will continue to try to work its way out of you, because the space within you is limited, and the entity is something without limits. It may be that no human can contain the creature.”

“Then I'm doomed to be in constant pain while everyone around me becomes a zombie?”

“If that's the way you want to look at it.”

My fists shook again, I felt the nerves in me begin to flare up.

“Think about all the things you can do: you can shape the world however you please. If you wished, you could make everyone enjoy their lives more.”

“If that's the case, why do you still want to kill me?”

“I said that I didn't think it needed to come to that.”

“I'm not going to join that organization!”

“They could give you your own lab, keep you stabilized. The Flashbulb consists of several of the brightest minds throughout history. If you agree,” she winced. “I'll even let you experiment on me.”

That last bit almost sounded enticing, but I stood my ground.

“You make them sound respectable.”

“Believe it or not, their goal is the betterment of humanity.”

“Are you forgetting all the wars they've orchestrated? All the deaths they've been responsible for? All the lives they've ruined, mine included?”

“Nothing happens without a reason behind it. But if you so wish, you can express your concern to them directly. I'm sure they'll value your input. With the power you have, you could reverse all the bad all in the world.”

“Then what? It won't exist anymore, but I'll still have the memory of it, the pain that comes with it.”

“Even if that's so, imagine all the lives you could save! You could bring happiness to the world!”

“Nobody deserves to be happy but me!”

I stormed off, but I saw her follow in my peripheral.

“Make up your mind! Do you think your wife should be happy, or no one?”

I turned to her. “No, I...she...”

“No wonder you're not satisfied.”

“How could you...?”

“Listen: I gave you a choice. Something I shouldn't even be doing. You hate war, but your very existence is a biological weapon. I can either try to contain you or eliminate you.”

“This isn't fair...”

“Nobody argued that it was.”

There had to be a solution that would work in my favor. Going back wouldn't work, I already knew there was nothing for me there. I wanted to live, but I didn't want to put anyone in danger, and I wasn't about to let myself abandon my ideals to aid the very people I despised.

You didn't go back. You were just a visitor in an earlier time.

That's right. I wasn't living the life I should have been. If I had limitless power, then I had the power to have the life I was always meant to live.

“You said I could shape the world however I please?”

“Yes.”

“I see.”

“So have you decided to go to them?”

I shook my head. “No. But I thought of an option that could satisfy both parties.”

“Oh?”

I smiled and walked away. I heard her call, “what are you going to do?”

A little defensive, are we?

“In a manner of speaking, leaving this world behind.” I called back.

Then, I vanished.

Just when I thought I could understand her, I was at a loss. As I paced about, I shivered.

Oh yes, I was long overdue for a chill.

“I-I need to con...firm something...” My teeth started to chatter and I continued to shiver as I pulled out the tracker. Sure enough, the entity's presence was no longer detected. Along with that, neither was she. Whatever she did, she really was gone. Even still, I didn't feel any more at ease than I did before. Not only that, but rubbing my hands together didn't do anything to make me feel any less cold.

Not that doing so ever worked.

I found a nice bench to sit on, next to a marble building. After taking a gulp from my thermos, I received a call.

“Good job, Rhea! Shame what happened to Doug, though.”

“Real tragic.” He had it coming.

“Anyway, we don't know how you did it, but she's gone!”

“I didn't kill her...”

“Regardless, the world is saved thanks to you!”

“I didn't even end up doing anything...”

“You must have done something, and that's why we rely on you. We've wired you your money, and with that, your contract is complete.”

I let out a breathy sigh. “Thank you, but this doesn't feel right.”

“You've been in the business just how long and you're just now developing a conscience?”

“That's not it. I don't know. Call it intuition.”

“You need to chill, Rhea. Find a nice restaurant, travel somewhere, take a vacation. You've earned it.”

“I'm only ever chill. That's all I know how to be.”

“Ha! There's that humor we love so much!”

“I was being serious...”

“Anyway, we'll be in touch if we have any other assignments for you.”

The call ended.

Maybe the one on the other end was right and there was nothing to worry about. Even still, the feeling wouldn't cease.

“Just what did you do?”

The morning sun shone through my window and as much as I tried to block it out with my pillow, it was no use.

“ETNA! BREAKFAST IS READY!”

Etna...that is...right. That's my name. I sat up and yawned, still in my pajamas. I rubbed my eyes. Why did I had to stop and think what my name was for a second there?

I shrugged. The obvious answer was that I was just tired.

Down the stairs, I smelled the aroma of spinach and eggs. My parents stood there, holding each other and smiling.

“Hello, dear! We're so glad to see you up!”

“Are...you?”

Of course they were. They always were.

“Mhm! You should eat your breakfast! It was made with lots of love!”

“Thanks!” I grinned as I swooped into the nearest chair and dug in. Indeed, it was delicious. Those two always were such good cooks.

“Hey mom, dad, do either of you know what day it is?” I found myself asking, as if I fell asleep in a bad position and lost all my marbles.

“Saturday, dear!” My mom laughed. “Were you out partying last night?”

There was a good chance that I might have been...if I spent the night with my girlfriend and our friends, the most likely scenario was that we hung around a bonfire and got drunk. Was that it? Was I experiencing a hangover?

“Not that I can recall.”

“It's okay if you were! It's important to have fun!”

“Now dear,” my father began one of his usual lectures. Was it so usual? I wasn't sure, but something told me it was. “We know you're almost an adult, but you're still going to be our little girl. You can have all the fun you want, but remember you always have a home with us!”

“Right...”

My head did seem to ache a little, but maybe that was my imagination.

“This has been, like, a groovy breakfast and all, but, like, I think I need some sunshine.”

“Of course, dear! The sun is all yours!”

I ran upstairs to my bedroom first, wanting to change out of my sleepy clothes. I paused when I looked in the mirror.

“Blonde hair...”

I stroked it with one of my brushes, which just happened to be on the floor next to my mirror. Thin, long, a little stringy, but...workable. I smiled once more. Blessed to have such radiant hair.

After putting on some jeans and a blouse, I bolted downstairs and out the door. As soon as I stepped foot outside, I was met with a sky full of puffy clouds and a shimmering sun whose rays melted the snow in the grass near my feet.

“Ah, spring's approaching.”

My favorite time: when spring wasn't quite there yet, but you could notice the transformation take place.

First it was just going to be a little walk. Maybe down the street, maybe to a park, or a shopping mall. I knew the Saturday market was open, plus there was a cute thrift store around the corner as well. So many options, but instead, I went out into the fields.

There, my girlfriend's decorated van lay. One of those nifty Volkswagens, I just adored that thing! I've always thought of how magical it would have been to just leave my family and school behind and just live with her as she went out on adventures. Though deep down, I knew that was unlikely. She never drove it, the tank was always empty. It was just where she lived.

I gave a few taps on the door and she opened it up, her arms spread out in joy.

“Hey, V!”

That left me confused.

“V?” Since when did my name start with a V...

“Yeah! Volcano girl!”

Oh.

“You know I don't like that nickname!” I puffed my cheeks and scowled.

She just laughed and ruffled up my hair. I tried swatting at her, but she just laughed some more.

“Hey! You're messing it all up!”

“I can make it look better, anyway! Come on inside!”

I laughed as well. There was no way I could be mad at her, she was just too fun. After crawling through the front and into the back where her mattress lay, I sat down and let her braid my hair. Only a few minutes in, I leaned back and rested my head in her lap.

“No fair! You're going to undo all my progress!”

This time it was my turn to laugh. “Technically, it would be my progress, as I'm the one with the hair.”

Her own hair was a nice, jet black, with flowers scattered around her hair. I wasn't sure if she had put them in herself, or if she was out running around and some worked their way in.

“Oh, by the way, I decided to change my name.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I had this dream where I was a sparrow, so I decided that my name is now Sparrow.”

“Far out.”

“Yeah! Like, you should totally change your name, too!”

“But, like, what? Also, can I, like, just do that?”

She shrugged. “Why not? I just did.”

I had to think hard about this one. I wasn't even sure if I was serious. No, I wasn't serious, but I played along.

“Hm...maybe Viper?”

“Why Viper?”

“I don't know! Like, it was just the first thing that popped up.”

“I dig it! Alrighty, Viper!”

“I think I remember a bit of my dream last night, too, by the way...” I found myself saying, and sure enough, there were things that ran through my mind.

“Oh yeah? Tell me, Miss Viper.” Then she made hissing sounds.

“Well, like, I think I was older. Oh, and my hair was silver. But maybe I was just dreaming in black and white. Also, I had a wife? Is such a thing even possible?”

“Of course it is, silly! Girls have always been able to marry each other!”

“Right. I can't imagine a world where it would be illegal to marry...”

“Yeah, that's the silly thing right there!”

“Anyway, I had these powers, like a superhero? Or something. Like, they weren't nice, though. I think they were supposed to be nice, like, they were supposed to help me, because I wasn't very happy with how my life had gone, and they could make me happier, but instead I did some scary things.”

“Like what?”

I tried to think, then shrugged.

“Honestly, I can't remember. Dreams are weird like that, anyway!”

“Was she cute?”

“What?”

“Your dream wife.”

“She wasn't you...”

“That's not what I asked!” She nudged me. “Was she cute?”

“I think? Why do you ask?”

“Well, maybe, like, we could all be married to each other!”

“For real, I think she was, like, older than us.”

“Yeah, but not older than dream you!”

“Okay, but she doesn't even exist!”

“Ain't that a shame. Here I was thinking I could start a collection.”

Soon it was nightfall and I was back at home, in my own bed. There were many nights when I would spend the night with her, just gazing at the stars, but I was already exhausted and just wanted to return home. Maybe one day we would run off together, not for any dramatic reason, but just because it felt good to do. If we never did that at all, I think I would have been fine with that, too.

The next morning, I stepped foot downstairs to find my parents in the dining room playing a board game together.

“Dad? Why aren't you in the garage working on inventions?”

He looked up and smiled. “Now if I did that, I wouldn't have as much time to spend with you!”

That took me aback. “R-Right...”

“Honey,” my mother fidgeted with a pair of dice, not quite looking my way. “Would you care to join us?”

“I think...I would like that?”

I shouldn't have been confused. They've always been such kind, loving people. Always around when I needed them. Never had a bad thing to say. But it just seemed off to me, and not in a way that I could place.

“Let me just get some breakfast first. It's still morning.”

“Of course, dear. You can't be happy on an empty stomach.”

Was that really true? I didn't think it was, but I wasn't about to think too hard about it.

While I ate, my mom turned to me. “You should invite your girlfriend over!”

I spit out my food. “What? I thought you hated her.”

“Now why would I ever hate the one my daughter loves? I think it's cute that you two are together!”

I shook my head and wiped my mouth. “I'm sorry, I must be remembering things wrong.”

“I've always thought well of her!”

Yeah...she did, didn't she? Did she? I wasn't sure which was which. My head was getting dizzy. Was I remembering things from a past life? Maybe if I went out into the fields and asked a fairy for answers.

Without announcing where I was going, I slipped on some slippers and ran out the house, where the fields lay. Past the van and near a field of trees, that was where the fairies resided.

“What is going on with me?” I asked them.

In truth, they were nothing more than flies and mosquitoes buzzing around, but for all I knew, those could have also been fairies in disguise. I always did like to believe such.

One “fairy” bonked my nose and three of them buzzed around my ears. I thought I could hear them speak:

“YOU!”

“ARE!”

“HAPPY!”

I laughed. Regardless of whether or not they actually said such a thing, I was amused.

“Sure, I am!” Then I turned my head and looked down. “But then why does that make me so uncomfortable...”

There was a silence. Displeased, I brought myself back to the house.

“Did you have a nice time out, dear?” My father greeted me. Both parents were sitting on the couch, tilting to and fro, so carefree.

“Yeah, I'm just trying to come to terms with how great everything is.”

“It always has been!” My mother reassured me.

“Right, it's just thinking that something's off. Maybe it's just hard thinking there are families out there who aren't doing so well.”

“Everyone's fine! No need to worry!”

“But are they? I mean, what about those families who have lost someone because of the war?”

Dad laughed. “War? What's that?”

“If you spell it backwards, you get 'raw'!” Mom added, laughing along with him.

That was another thing. I just thought of something that didn't exist, didn't I?

“You know, the V...Vie...” I couldn't think of the name. “The thing. People go off and kill each other. They fight. I can't be making this up, can I?”

“That doesn't sound very nice! Peace is much better!”

“That's right, fighting is bad!” Dad added to mom's reply. Or did mom add to dad's reply? I could no longer tell the two apart. They were so close, they were a total blur. Their very presence brought out something in me.

“But it's what I'm used to!” I shouted.

Realizing what I said, I cupped my mouth and ran up to my room. I didn't leave the bedroom for the rest of the night, I just sat on my bed in the darkness.

When I woke up the next day and went to school, I no longer felt weird about my life and I just felt silly about the past couple days.

In class, everyone was smiling and talking amongst each other. The teacher went around and said what a beautiful world we all lived in, to which I had to agree. Then, the teacher asked what made each person happy. Before the teacher got to me, I heard a tap at the window. When I looked over, I saw Sparrow throwing rocks and gesturing me to get out there. That was my cue.

“Sorry...I think I need to go home...I just threw up some blood.”

As ridiculous as that may have sounded, it worked and the teacher excused me.

“Hot damn, you sure took your sweet time!”

“Sorry, I forgot that this is a thing we do.”

“Eh, don't sweat it. Look, the sky is beautiful today, the birds are chirping, perfect weather to ditch class and smoke some joints.”

I couldn't agree more, and next thing I knew, we were both stoned and laying across from each other in the grass.

“You know, I think I'm starting to do better. These last couple days, have been, like, funky, and not in a good way.”

“Bad mojo?”

“Yeah, I'd say so. Like, it's like, I don't know, man.”

I paused. Five minutes must have passed.

“Actually, I think there's an explanation.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Like, hear me out: what if, like, there's another reality?”

“That'd be far out, miss snake.”

“So what if I'm living in two worlds?”

“Hmm...”

“It's like, one of them, may be not be totally groovy, but there are people there I might actually love.” I thought about what I just said. “Not that I don't love anyone here, but people who love me too. Like, I mean, people love me here too, don't they? But I don't know, it's different somehow.”

“I guess you just gotta decide which world you're more comfortable in.”

“Yeah...” I blew on a dandelion. “I'm happy here.”

“That's good.”

“Then again, maybe that's just how I should be.”

I sat up. Maybe it was the drugs, or maybe the effect was already starting to wear off that made me say what I said next:

“I don't think we have a future together.” After saying those words, the wind swept over my hair and brought with it a chill. “I'd like to imagine that we would have, but I have a feeling I'll grow up and find I'm not the same free spirit as you. That I'll try, but it won't bring me the same satisfaction it does now.”

“We're together right now, aren't we?”

“That's the problem: I don't know what's supposed to come next. I never got this far.”

“Well, like, it's not like you can get any further than right now?”

I sighed. “You're right.”

When I looked over to her, I saw a mannequin with all the parts detached. I looked away, not wanting to think about what I saw.

“Do you think I'm a bad person?” I asked, without facing her.

“Do bad people exist?”

I got up. “I don't even know what exists...”

The sky grew dark, something I knew shouldn't have happened. It shouldn't have even been noon yet. Without thinking of who I had been spending my time with, I started walking away, headed back toward the place my parents resided.

I'm fine. This will all pass and I will enjoy this life I should have had. Wait. Should have? No, the life I have. I'll bask in the glow of everyone's love, I'll be grateful for all the peace in the world, and I'll be fine. This will pass.

Even though I told myself such things, my nerves sent the opposite message. I was shaking, my breath seemed to grow heavier.

Please stop. I couldn't ask for anything more, so let me feel good. Please.

Flares shot off within me as I entered the place that was a teenager's home and slammed the door shut.

“Hey honey, how was school?” My mom asked, dancing with dad in the living room.

“I skipped to go hang out with my girlfriend.” I didn't know why I didn't lie to them.

“Aw, isn't that lovely.”

“I'm sure your teachers are glad you're enjoying yourself!”

“Why aren't you mad?”

“We want you to live your best life.”

“Right...you don't care because you've given up on the idea of me being a good daughter.”

“Nonsense! We care a whole lot! We love you!”

I stamped my foot.

“No! No! No! No! No!”

“Is everything okay, dear?” My father chimed in. As if he had something to add. “You know we love you a whole lot!”

“NO! You don't!” Something in me must have broke. Something I no longer had control over. That, or I was in full control. “You should have, but you don't!”

“Of course we love you! That's why we exist!”

“What. Did. You. Say?”

“Why else would we be here if we weren't making you happy?”

I could feel my face turn red.

“You want to make me happy? Yell at me! Hit me! Tell me how much of a disappointment I've been! Hide yourself away!”

“We would never do something like that!”

Fed up, I lunged at them and snarled. “You would and you have!” I clawed at their faces, tore them apart.

“Is this making you happier?” I could hear one of them say.

“Shut up! Shut up about happiness!” I choked out whoever spoke. I tore at their chests. My breath was so heavy, I felt like I could breathe fire. Worst of all, I enjoyed it.

I kept going, not stopping until I couldn't hear any more from them. When I saw what I had done in my rage, my eyes widened and I looked at my hands in horror. Fresh blood covered them. I stood up, and saw that there was no blood on them. They too were a doll, and their parts were scattered on the floor.

Around the house, everything folded around me, and I closed my eyes.

When I opened, everything was black. I could tell that I was now taller, my hair silver.

“That's right,” I smiled. “This world was my creation.”

Neither past, nor present, nor future. It was meant to be a separate world where I could close myself off and I could have everything I ever wanted. But what I really wanted...

May not have ever existed.