#and like. i know it’s the neurodivergent gifted kid trauma or whatever

[lesbegays]

sometimes i remember the time that a professor told me my essay was the most interesting and insightful in the class and then i started skipping that class and couldn’t bring myself to turn in any more essays to her and i’m like damn i should go back to therapy and deal with that

[blorbologist]

do you think canon Percy is neurodivergent / on the spectrum? I personally hc him as such but what is your opinion on this subject? what are things that stand out to you?

Hi anon!

I do as well! Full disclaimer: I am autistic, my brother is autistic and has ADHD, and our father is probably on the spectrum as well but in vehement denial. However, I got Very Good at masking, to the point I rarely unmask and spend all my energy dealing with Social Bullshit, while my brother is... idk, super charismatic in social settings, somehow, but a nightmare with Tasks and Sensory Hell. So I usually project autism onto characters given my lived experience, but can 100% see how he has ADHD vibes as well! I think neurodivergent rep is very important, and it's great that we can see ourselves in these characters <3

I will repeat this a lot, but Percy has also undergone a fuckton of trauma. A lot of his traits that remind me of myself could be due to PTSD. His panic attacks, for instance, are things I'd slot more with PTSD, personally. You can read his character different ways (I read him as having both), and that's good on you. However, I am autistic and I like projecting My Me onto the blorbo so that's what you get.

A couple of things stand out to me:

The whole Feywild thing reminds me of a special interest. Less so in the campaign, but given how they play it up in TLOVM I really suspect it's the case. Clockmaking also seems like the sort of very specific, detailed work that'd make my brain go brrr if it was my thing, so? Is that anything?

A lot of how he is described (by himself or by Tal) pre-Briarwoods could align with a little introvert noble with no social skills and a whole fuckton of arrogance, but it also aligns nicely with an autistic kid.

Just. how many times Cass has to imply 'percy I can't handle Whitestone alone' before he gets the memo. is insane. it's either 'his autistic ass isn't getting what she's trying to say' or 'percy stop being a dick and help your sister out you KNOW what she's asking'. either way works for me! But I'd like to hope he's not intentionally shoving responsibility on his little sister and use that as an excuse.

We don't know if he had issues being touched prior to being tortured ("We didn't touch in my family"), and the trauma of what Ripley did to him could 110% account for that! But I like to slot it away into my 'on the spectrum' vibes box.

Layers. Layers. Layers! Again, another potential covariate with the fact he's a poncy noble, and has a vested interest in hiding his scars, but I am Particular about what touches my skin at a given time. I like long sleeves and pants and gloves because then it's always the same sensory things on me and not changing.

Just how slow he is to court Vex. Because maybe he's reading the social cues wrong, and he has to be Obvious about his interest too, and becomes a fancy bird giving gifts because that's the best way he can think of supporting her and expressing interest while figuring out whatever the fuck this Attraction thing is.

Perhaps just a Tal thing (I see it with Ashton too, or I did when going over the Laudna n Ashton convo with a fine toothed comb the other day), but how much he fidgets when talking. Constantly moving.

His entire friendship with Keyleth is very autism vibes. Could purely be coming form her, or shared, who knows! (I am a huge supporter of autistic Keyleth, here n there I'll sneak in a line about her stimming <3)

Might just be a Me thing, but how he turns to Vex when he's feeling big emotions and doesn't trust himself to handle them. What the fuck are these, I think this impulse to lash out at Scanlan is probably bad, dear please keep me from doing anything stupid.

Also it's very funny for me to do the 'me and the bad bitch I pulled being autistic' meme with him and Vex ngkntrjnhrt

[moonmoonloves]

15 QUESTIONS, 15 (or whatever) TAGS

I was tagged by @poebin

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYBODY?

Yes actually, and it’s an interesting one. One of my mom’s friends had to be put in the witness protection program and she liked their new name. Actually now that I think about it, I question the validity of this story, if they were actually in the program my mom shouldn’t know, right? Idk.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

This morning. I’m a very easy crier. I cry everyday.

3. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Yes, one.

4. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

I don’t think so? I tend to be very literal. I will use it to be obnoxious/funny to my spouse.

5. WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED?

None.

6. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT SOMEONE?

Um, I have a hard time socially. I tend to glance at people instead of look directly at them, so usually whether or not they speak to people kindly, like I’m determining potential threat levels lol, yay trauma.

7. EYE COLOUR?

Brown. None of that pots of honey bs either, mine are dull and usually bloodshot.

8. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

Happy endings always.

9. ANY SPECIAL TALENTS?

Uhh, I guess just general hyper focus. Especially with arts and crafts. I pick up new artsy things pretty quickly and can do them moderately well before moving on to another. Oh wait actually! GIFT GIVING. I have been told I give the best gifts. I often make people cry. Sometimes I make people uncomfortable because apparently not everyone wants someone’s focus on them like that. Also, sometimes people feel obligated to reciprocate and feel bad when they think they can’t. Their joy is my joy though <3

10. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

Alaska.

11. WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?

Reading fic would have to be number one. Cooking/baking which was really a hyperfixation I had like 8 years ago but my family enjoys it so much I’m stuck with it. Artsy things sometimes I guess. Idk.

12. DO YOU HAVE PETS?

Yes, two cats: the best boy ever, and the most jealous snuggly bitch. I love them both so much <33

13. HOW TALL ARE YOU?

5'1". Tall shelves, what secrets are you hiding? <stolen from poebin minus an inch, but seriously, what are you hiding? Sometimes I can’t see even on a chair.

14. FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?

English and Art. I majored in Fine Art but didn’t finish. For some reason I chose Photography as my specialty, but I had to drop out pretty early on, so I never got very good at it. I liked the dark room, I was better at printing than I was at actually taking the pictures.

15. DREAM JOB?

I currently have the great privilege of being a stay at home parent. I wish I was better at that job. It’s the first job I’ve ever had where I felt like I wasn’t great at it. I know I’m not the worst, but I know I’m not the best either. We’re both neurodivergent and we have our fair share of struggles. Being a better parent aside I think it would be nice to make some money doing art. I’m indigenous american so something in that area would make my heart happy.

[bookwyrminspiration]

Hi! I saw you rb'd the post about autism and I rlly wanted to talk abt it! I don't live in the US, and therapists where i live are almost the same as you described. Idk if i have ADHD or Autism or something else entirely, but I do know there's something different from me than other people. I've known ever since I was little. I know my brain works differently, I see things differently, and I feel left out because of it. I relate to almost every obscure ADHD symptom (like i relate to the "i got distracted" but also the very specific "not everyone goes through that" ones).

I don't want to self diagnose because I'm nowhere near being an expert on neurodivergency, but I also know I'm different. Idk what to do because I talked to a therapist once about it (we didnt discuss it, i just mentioned it) and she said that if I've gotten this far (i'm 17) without a diagnosis and I've done fine, a diagnosis won't change that. I think that a diagnosis would 100% help because i would at least know for sure because rn i feel like i'm going crazy. Maybe everything I've been experiencing has just been the product of undealt with trauma, idk, but i rlly wish i knew for sure.

I imposter syndrome myself into thinking i'm actually just as normal as everyone else and am just thinking this becusde i want to think i'm "special". Which isn't true i'm 99% sure-

Sorry for the rant. I just dont know what to do :(

Hello, Nonsie! No need to apologize for the rant, I'm sorry you're in this situation. It absolutely sucks when therapists and other mental health professionals are like that. Sometimes it feels like they've made a decision about you already and are just tolerating you the rest of the time and dismissing everything else.

I've also been through the exact same thing with the "I know there's something different about me." I always chalked it up to me being "the gifted kid," but then I was different from all the other gifted kids as well. I didn't know what it was, so I instead turned to fiction and to stories. Especially those with magic and inhuman creatures, because I knew that whatever it was that made someone human, I didn't have it. So I saw myself instead in fairies and fae and as I got older, in monsters (I mean this in a good way). My point is that I think I understand the knowing you're different but not being able to put a finger on it experience. I often describe it as living in a bubble where I can see everyone else and they can see me, but I'm not with them. I'm separate even amongst everyone.

I will just say that if you don't think you're qualified to self-diagnose, I'd suggest looking into it more! Self-diagnoses are incredibly valid and are fairly accepted from what I've seen. Most people are very understanding about the process and about reasons why you might not be able to/not want to get an official diagnosis. I think almost all people who have diagnosed have also had the "I don't know enough to make this call" experience and then go on to look into it before doing so. They're generally not made lightly, instead made with the insight and reflection of weeks, months, years worth of work and research.

Also, I don't know how the rules work wherever you live, but it's possible that you'd be able to look into evaluations outside of your therapist if she is adamant about you not needing one. I know where I live I could find an evaluation location and submit the paperwork independently--though I think as a minor I'd need to include parent contact information, but then again maybe not. And that's also just where I am

You could also approach her or another therapist about it again and say that it's an avenue you'd like to explore even if it won't change much. Therapy is about you, so if you want something you're allowed to express that. One note I'd like to add is that I'd advise against relying on outside sources entirely for confirmation that your experiences aren't you "going crazy." That's not to say that an official diagnosis wouldn't be a relief or a breath of fresh air and a "finally! it was real!" That's an entirely understandable reason to want an evaluation or diagnosis, it's just that things don't always work perfectly and people can be wrong. So if you're basing your understanding entirely on someone else's assessment and they miss something, it can feel like a huge disappointment. And it's more likely when the system isn't friendly towards you.

I can tell you that you aren't making it up and that whatever you've experienced and been through, it is real and valid and you deserve answers about it. Whether those answers come from yourself or through treatment, I hope you find what you're looking for. I actually think a very common and relatable finding out you might be autistic/adhd/something else is obsessing over it and then convincing yourself you're making everything up and are actually normal and just suck at being a person.

I don't know if you want advice, but I think if I were in your situation (based on the knowledge I have) I'd look into it more. There are plenty of YouTube videos and online resources you can use to help figure things out, and if it's something you want then research what options are available in your area and what the requirements are (e.g. age/information/if you can do it alone or not). When I was first exploring all these possibilities, I started a thing in my notes app to keep track of different experiences that could potentially indicate or relate to something so I could look into it later, so maybe that could help!

I'm wishing you the best of luck in whatever comes next for you in this experience <33

[painted-crow]

Did you model Bookkeeper Badger or Courtier Badger most of the time ?

In regards to the past tense you're using--it's the Badger primary model I dropped. Which, I've held on to some of its ideals, but they're just another part of my Bird primary system, and that feels very different.

My Badger secondary model is still good and kicking though!

I was just gonna write about how I use it (and how I try not to use it) to answer this ask, but then it turned into

Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 3

(Badger model edition)

and I'm just gonna roll with it.

I did have an unhealthy way I used my Badger secondary model that was... either extreme Bookkeeper, or it's actually been unhealthy Lion secondary all along and I've been mis-Sorting it and this is why the idea of using Lion secondary wigs me out a little. (It's fine when other people use it, but I find the prospect of using it myself at least slightly terrifying.)

Part of my problem is that I'm way too used to situations where pushing through despite feeling like I was about to collapse was the only option. It's probably got to do with... well, some childhood stuff I won't go into too deeply. My mom was in the hospital a lot. The school situation I was in just made everything worse. It's complicated.

Anyway, if I'm under stress, I dissociate out exhaustion, hunger, emotional distress, and even physical pain for hours or days at a time, and I can buckle down and hyperfocus on work (in what would be panic mode if I were more aware of my emotions during these periods). It sounds useful and badass but it really isn't.

Downside #1 is that I will eventually feel the effects of that panic, and any other needs I've been ignoring--it might be at a more convenient time, but those effects definitely won't be lessened.

Downside #2 is traumatic burnout. Do not try this at home. (I always hesitate to use the word "trauma" for my experiences, but the physical reaction I get to writing about some of this stuff says otherwise.)

Downside #3 is that I don't get to choose when my brain does or doesn't do this. It just happens when I'm under stress. I can't count how many times I've had an actual migraine and not noticed why I was so irritable for hours, when I could have taken something.

Downside #4 is that it works. This is possibly the worst one, because the phrase "do your best" takes on a cold sweat-inducing new meaning. My little "ability" has led to some absolutely buckwild performances under deadline, none of which I want to repeat, and I'm not sure I like knowing how much I can get done if I prioritize not failing over not burning out.

(On that note, if you thought my Badger primary model was Exploded last year, you should've seen it 3-4 years ago. I remember when this Kitten Witch post first went up, because I was like "...what? wait--")

In short, this is a very shitty superpower and I would like to re-roll.

I'm undecided whether this is a Badger flavored emergency mode, or the only Lion secondary I can recall using. I lean towards Badger because I have this pathological inability to half-ass anything, and it does not go away during emergencies. But it's possible that it felt Badger flavored because my unhealthy Badger primary model was egging it on with its self deprecating (...self dehumanizing?) exploded Badger crap.

So, wanna know how I got into these nasty deadline crunch situations where emergency hardcore Badger mode became "necessary"?

(I feel like I should reiterate my trigger warning on this series about now: we're talking about gifted kid burnout stuff and I'm about to sarcastically skewer some of my old thought processes here.)

Adequately warned? Great! Here are the step by step instructions to a real shitty time!

Take on a bunch of work while you're feeling okay, based on how much you think everyone else is doing.

Depression gets inevitably triggered somehow, by life stress or overwork or winter or whatever. Burn Bird secondary because that's been a stress response at least since high school.

Have absolutely no clue about the fact that your "limits" vary drastically and your productivity has huge peaks and valleys due to various forms of undiagnosed neurodivergence, which school/college is not designed to accommodate. So, rather than taking a rest and sorting out the stressful thing, get mad at yourself for "being lazy"!

Continue trying to work. Struggle wildly with executive dysfunction. Panic. Get frustrated and angry at yourself. It's cool, I'm sure this will make your Bird secondary start working again soon. (just kidding lol it's making it worse)

When you've aggravated your depression enough, shut down for a few months! Your work will still be there. Piling up. Taunting you. you're falling so far behind what are you doing everyone else can keep up except you

Get sick for a week. Feel relieved that at least now you have a legitimate excuse to not be working. This benefit may feel like it outweighs the symptoms of the flu or sinus infection or whatever you have.

Go into emergency hardcore mode, complete a ridiculous workload in the week before deadline, turn it all in, be almost too exhausted to feel guilty about doing everything last minute.

me: "I don't have ADHD! My focus is usually fine."

also me: this. ^ what is this.

So, I avoid that now. If I notice when Step 3 is happening and I can switch tasks--maybe clean my living space, do some laundry, get some good food, take care of tasks unrelated to whatever project it is that I'm too freaked out to work on--then Bird will be back in a week or two, assuming nothing else huge and stressful happens, and I'll have another productivity peak that'll let me catch up.

This is not the conventional wisdom. Conventional wisdom says you must never break momentum, you must schedule your work out 6 weeks ahead so you always know if you're on track, you must...!

Totally counterproductive for me. My brain is weird and did not come with a manual.

These days, on top of my Bird secondary, I model a mixture of Bookkeeper Badger and mirroring (a Courtier skill), for a number of purposes. I find work satisfying, I'm not afraid of long projects (that I choose), and that shifting, empathetic mirroring response is my default social mode.

But Badger's most important job is to gently take over when Bird is stressed out, and give it space to recover while methodically fixing anything about my situation that's not helping. It's good for that.

I prefer it to the alternative, anyway.

[lovecatsys]

Ya know i didnt used to think i had trauma or whatever like. Bc my parents r accepting i thought im privileged and had an amazing childhood but now looking back. Man being neurodivergent as a kid so often results in trauma like bullying or like just getting treated like shit. Obv more so if ur parents r unaccepting or strict but still. Being separated from everyone due to no social skills, trying to mask everything unconsciously making ur energy levels so low, struggling in school and not knowing why, getting told youre "weird" or getting mocked or exluded and told ur uncool and not worthy of friendship with "cool kids" and especially like. When so many people see teasing and making fun of as a sign of love and u just. Feel so hurt and hated. And like. I blamed all that shit on myself. Which lead to depression after gifted kid burnout ofc. Which lead to a bunch of other shit, which ended up being traumatic as well. Dont think i have ptsd but like. Man i wish i had known i was nd as a kid or at least like. Gotten to hang out w ppl like me and the world more aware n shit.

[legendary-defender-of-fandoms]

Would folks be open to a Vehicle Voltron spin-off of Legendary Defender?

I know Voltron left a lot of people disappointed at best and an unholy degree of pissed off at worst, and there’s nothing wrong with any reaction in between. The Voltron writing team dropped the ball with a lot of subjects (LGBT rep, Allura’s death, Lotor’s ultimate fate, Honerva’s “redemption,” etc.), and fans have every right to be angry, or hurt, or whatever.

But . . . . I’ve been thinking about Voltron a lot lately, and a Vehicle Voltron spin-off could be used to give us closure & redeem the franchise. Not the writers, or De Santos & Montgomery, but the characters & the core story deserve a second chance.

I’ll admit, I don’t know much about Vehicle Voltron (except it was an English redub of a Japanaese anime that had absolutely nothing to do with Voltron’s source anime, King of Beasts GoLion). But from what little I’ve gleaned, it could be a decent setup for a Star Trek/Justice League Unlimited sort of sci-fi action ensemble show, with different episodes focusing on separate teams until everyone has to meet up for big battles/finales.

There’s supposed to be about 15 vehicles of all sorts (planes, cars, helicopters, etc,) that make up Vehicle Voltron, broken down into 3 teams (Earth, Water, and Sky/Air). Each group of 5 vehicles makes their own mini-Vehicle Voltron, and when all 3 teams are together they make the big Vehicle Voltron. Perhaps the MFE pilots add one more to their ranks & form the Jet Vehicle Voltron that forms the head of Big Vehicle Voltron.

And with an expanded cast & different teams, the chances for proper representation would increase exponentially! Pilots & Paladins of every skin color, orientation, gender identification/presentation, body type, age, and neurodivergency. Not to mention all the crossovers born of the interpersonal relationships. Perhaps the left arm pilot of Earth Vehicle Voltron has a significant other who forms the head of Water Vehicle Voltron, or the legs of MFE Vehicle Voltron are Twins, and so forth.

Then there’s the appearances by characters from the OG Legendary Defenders. The Season 8 epilogue confirmed that Pidge & the rest of the Holt family spearheaded the Vehicle Voltron project, but they won’t be the only returning cast members.

Veronica probably transferred over from the Galaxy Garrison, either as a Pilot or a communications officer coordinating the deployment of all the Vehicle Voltron teams. And with Veronica onboard, we may see her girlfriend/partner/close friend Axca, who would rope in Ezor & Zethrid as the other members of her Blade of Marmorra relief team.

Perhaps Vehicle Voltron would give Curtis a chance to shine as the tactical advisor for one of the Teams, or an instructor at the Voltron Academy, and we’d get to know him as a character rather than a background Red Shirt hastily converted into a half-assed bit of LGBT rep. And with Curtis we could see Shiro, either as a guest advisor to teach the Teams about the importance of teamwork or just as a supportive husband. The important things here would be to establish Curtis’ personality & show his relationship with Shiro (who’s the better cook, what kind of stuff do they disagree over, how do they cheer each other up, do either of them want kids, etc.).

And think of all the other cameos we could see - Hunk & his culinary crew partnering with one of the Vehicle Voltron teams to oversee peace talks between unfriendly nations, Keith & his Blade of Marmorra team running into another Vehicle Voltron team as both try to evacuate an unstable planet, Veronica visiting her little brother Lance on the family farm & seeing how he’s doing after Season 8, etc.

Then there’s the stories. I have a few basic plots figured out, but there are tons of possibilities:

Welcome to the New Legendary Defenders - this would be the three-part premiere, as we’re introduced to the Vehicle Voltron teams, mission statements, and cast while following one of the new recruits (possibly Chip, or maybe a new character).

New Olcarion - ever wonder what happened to everyone on Olcarion since Season 8 forgot to tell us? This episode has you covered! Perhaps they built their own planet & it’s having some technical difficulties, or they think they found a new planet they could colonize but the planet has sentient life that went hidden until a bunch of off-worlders started stomping around like they owned the place.

Shadows of the Empire - there’s probably still a few Galra who aren’t ready to let go of Zarkon’s era of conquest or Haggar’s era of devastation, and they might pop up every once in a while to cause trouble. Sendack’s dead, but maybe that wormy General from the Taujeerian episode would make his long-awaited return as he tries to establish his own Galra Empire. Or maybe a forgotten cache of Galra sentret droids either never got deactivated or were recently reactivated & are still carrying out their prime directives (I.e. conquer everything in the name of the Galra Empire).

Balmera Pains - a colony of Balmerans reach out to Vehicle Voltron for help. Their Balmera is under distress, and no one is entirely certain how or why. The team shows up to help with evacuations, and they discover the Balmera isn’t dying - it’s pregnant. Everyone’s excited, since a new Balmera hasn’t been born in millennia, but there’s still the issue of tremors & other seismic activity putting the Balmerans at risk.

Lion Goddess - this would be an overarching story in the first season, possibly extending into a second season. It would start with the original Paladins getting dreams/visions/flashbacks of the Lions. Pidge & Shiro would be in Vehicle Voltron more than the others, so they’re the ones who we would see exhibiting symptoms first. Pidge might be dreaming about Green before her alarm goes off at the start of her day, or Shiro might hear some whisper over his shoulder & find nothing there, that sort of thing. The two would probably talk about these flashes & dreams with each other, chalking it up to old memories or PTSD (or one of them might try to pull a Steven Universe & keep their trauma bundled up until they explode into a Kaiju of guilt & self-loathing). This could even be something Shiro & Curtis regularly discuss, as Curtis wants to support Shiro through whatever’s going on. But as the other Paladins make their cameos, we may see them showing symptoms as well (Keith May be restless or irritable, Lance May be distracted or lethargic, Hunk might flinch if folks start talking about lions, space anomalies, or Quintessence, etc.). But eventually everyone will get together & realize they’re being Called by Voltron. Or Allura? Or the Universe in general. This revelation may coincide with reports of distant planets sighting giant flying robotic cats in their area, scaring off folks who come too close to their territory. Then it’ll be time to get the Gang back together to find the Lions & see why they’ve reappeared after so long & what’s going on. Through some complicated shenanigans, it’ll be revealed that the Lions have gathered the life force of Allura & need the Paladins to help with channeling her energies into regenerating her. Not sure if Lotor would be regenerated during this process as well - while his body kind of melted into the Sincline robot, his consciousness/soul/whatever could still be trapped within the space between dimensions, or his energies became entangled with Allura’s as they both drifted in the ether & by bringing back one, they bring back the other. Bottom line, yay, Allura’s back! And after a few episodes in a coma (regeneration is exhausting), she’s up & about and ready for some closure. She & Lance can try to pick things up where they left off & realize they still care about each other, but just don’t work as a romantic couple. She & Coran can get an emotional reunion to make up for Coran being snubbed in the Season 8 finale. Maybe Allura’s QuintessenceBending will have grown exponentially, and now she spreads new life wherever she goes, or maybe channeling all of Honerva’s stolen Quintessence into jumpstarting the Multiverse has left her completely drained of her gifts. If Lotor’s back as well, the two will have a lot to discuss after their shared time in the ether.

Anyway, those were my thoughts on a Vehicle Voltron spin-off. Am I the only one?

[saltymcsaltything]

It took me most of my adult life to realize it wasn't normal to be in pain most of the time. I've had headaches roughly 1 out of every 3 days (minimum) since I was practically a toddler. I've had weird random nerve pain and muscle spasms as far backs as I can remember. Every moderately serious injury I had as a kid caused nagging pain for months or years.

I've had chronic, migratory joint pain for the last decade. I'm still not 100% sure if that was caused by Lyme disease, which is reaching epidemic levels in my region, or some new and glorious manifestation of whatever the hell my various pre-existing issues are.

I've had various gastrointestinal issues since I was 4 or 5, possibly even longer. My bloating got so bad when I was 7 that my Dad took me to the ER thinking I had appendicitis. By the time I got seen 2.5 hours later it had passed, but for several hours I thought I was dying. (Yes, that's an awful wait, but that ER had a lot of trauma cases that night, including multiple gunshot victims.) This has never not been an issue in my life.

I had severe nerve pain after a post surgical hematoma. That surgery was 2 years ago and the pain lingered. I now have a hernia that is putting pressure on the same nerve and the radiating nerve pain got so bad I could barely walk.

I only started admitting that I had chronic pain a few months ago. I started using a cane because fuck struggling for no reason other than thinking I wasn't "disabled enough". I got medication that worked to control the nerve pain -- it's made a huge difference and I feel so much better, but I still have chronic pain.

For years I assumed two things that were wrong:

My baseline of near constant low-grade pain starting in childhood was normal

The sharp increase in pain starting in my late 20's was my fault - I didn't get enough exercise, then I got too much. If I picked up a tick it was my fault for being outdoors and my fault for not spotting it. If I didn't get better it was my fault for struggling to stick to an anti-inflammatory diet, my fault for not knowing what supplements to try, my fault for not being able tell if they were working, and my fault for forgetting to take them.

There's a pattern there - minimizing my pain when it was "bearable" and attacking myself when it wasn't.

I'm looking back on all of that now with a shiny new Autism & ADHD diagnosis. So much of it makes sense... many of the lifelong physical issues I had are known to be strongly comorbid with neurodivergence. I've found several research articles that seem to indicate that idiopathic neurogenic pain is also common in autistic people. Im beginning to wonder if some of the weird muscle movements I've had my entire life might be focal seizures -- they've almost completely gone away with the anti-convulsant I am taking for the nerve pain.

I also realized that without even really realizing I was disabled, there is a whole lot of internalized ableism in how I treated myself, or at least a whole lot of not feeling like I have suffered enough to deserve help because others have it worse. Its okay for others to use mobility aids, but not me. I can still technically walk just with lots of pain, so I should just suck it up and keep going. It's okay for others to get therapy and medication for mental and emotional struggles, but not me. I was always told I was intellectually gifted -- if I can't think my way out of a deep depression or panic attacks or executive dysfunction that has made me barely able to care for myself, then clearly I deserve those things for not trying harder. It's okay for others to say they are disabled and ask for accommodations, but not me. I'm too well-off to deserve any help -- I'd be stealing it from someone who needs it more.

A lifetime of chronic pain. A decade of decline. I *finally* accept that I've been through more than enough to say what has been true my entire life: I am disabled, and I have chronic pain, and I shouldn't deny myself things that help me cope any longer.

Hi Joy, I have a question about chronic pain that I think is chronic and kind of fits the definition but my physio isn’t sure. I have really messed up muscles in my upper back, shoulders, neck and head, to the point where I’ve had pain in one of those places or another for at least several hours a day for years. My physio says it’s muscle strength imbalances and inflammation of the muscle and soft tissue, but she doesn’t know why it’s so inflamed. It gets worse if I sit in the same place for too long, or with bad posture, and it’s not entirely constant although it’s always there when I wake up, goes away mostly, then gets worse as I spend the day sitting down at my computer for school. It gets better with ice packs or with hot showers, and pain killers only work sometimes. Does that sound like chronic pain, as in the kind that’s caused by a chronic illness or fibromyalgia or general body weirdness, or is it acute pain like from an injury? Sorry if it’s not something you’d know, I’d just really like to have an answer and I don’t know who else to ask!

Chronic pain is something that last for more than 12 weeks. So something that has been coming and going for years is still chronic whether it’s caused by an underlying condition like fibromyalgia or not. It’s possible that there is a acute injury or source of inflammation at play that keeps getting re-injured, but considering it’s been more than 12 weeks? It’s still chronic.

If it helps, don’t think of chronic as constant, think of it as persistent. And also, chronic doesn’t mean “lifelong.” It can for many of us, but for some people, chronic pain from injuries can last years until they get the right help and their body finally heals.

Considering how long your pain has been going on despite PT, I think it’s time you looked into having it investigated further. Could be something like fibro, or your PT might not be the best fit for you and is overworking the area. Also, do you get massage work done?

Sometimes massage can really help get the soft tissue into a better, healthier condition before you do PT. I was repeatedly tearing through scar tissue during PT, which made my pain and injuries so much worse until I met my two current PTs who emphasize the use of massage and various other techniques to ensure the health of the surrounding tissue before we work on strength training and correction. It made a very big difference in the quality of my care and recovery. And also, it can be a good source of pain relief between PT sessions in general, too.

Just maybe something to consider that your PT might have missed. Best of luck, and I wish you fewer pain days ahead.