#and like. how much will my grade recover even if everything else is on time

[dreamersworldduh]

HOME, SWEET, HOME

• 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐖𝐍 𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐒 𝐱 𝐌𝐀𝐋𝐄!𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑

SUMMARY — When your best friend is practically family, you sign up for the good, the bad, and the completely ridiculous. You're their rock, their reality check, their safe place—no matter what. But nothing tests that bond quite like getting a wedding invitation... with your ex-fling on the guest list. That's the situation when Ella, your lifelong best friend, drops a letter that changes everything.

WARNING! FLUFF. Suggestive Langauge.

WORDS! 8.2k

AUTHOR'S NOTE! Okay, I was watching You Again recently and got the idea for this. It was supposed to be a oneshot but now it's going to be a one shot series about complicated love—my speciality— also says you what you want Shawn but no one can deny how angelic handsome he is. Enjoy your reading✨🫶🏽

NEXT PART! BREWING OF FEELINGS

BEING A best friend comes with lot of responsibilities. You're supposed to be the constant in their life—the person they can rely on when things go south. You're the one who has their back no matter what, the voice of reason when they're being reckless, the shield when they need protection, and the soft landing when the world gets too rough. You love them unconditionally, even when they make decisions that make you want to scream, like inviting your ex-fling to their wedding.

That's the situation you found yourself in when you received a letter from your lifelong best friend, Ella. You and Ella had been inseparable since birth, thanks to your mothers, who had been best friends long before either of you existed. Ella's letter wasn't just any letter—it was an invitation to her wedding with Jake, her high school sweetheart and now fiancé.

You were thrilled for her. Of course you were going—how could you not? You and Ella had been planning her wedding since third grade, dreaming up elaborate ceremonies with glittering dresses, fairy-tale settings, and, of course, each other standing side by side on the big day. It wasn't just her wedding; it felt like a culmination of all the years of friendship, all the secrets and dreams you'd shared.

But everything shifted when you were on the phone with Ella, packing for the wedding weekend, and she casually mentioned that Shawn Mendes would be attending.

Shawn Mendes. The name alone was enough to stir up a whirlwind of emotions you thought you'd buried long ago. Shawn wasn't just anyone—he was your first love. Or rather, your first heartbreak. Back in high school, you and Shawn had been something between boyfriends and flings, caught in a fiery but fragile relationship that burned out almost as quickly as it ignited. Shawn wasn't ready to take your relationship public, and when the pressure became too much, he said things—hurtful, cutting things—that tore you apart.

The breakup wasn't just messy for the two of you; it splintered your entire friend group. Sides were taken, words were exchanged, and bridges were burned. The fallout was something you'd spent years trying to recover from. Shawn was a part of your past, and that's exactly where you'd left him—or so you thought.

It wasn't that you still had feelings for him. That heartbreak had been years ago, and time had dulled the edges of the pain. You'd moved on—or at least you'd told yourself you had. After all, you'd built an incredible life for yourself. You were a well-known singer and actor now, living a life most people could only dream of. But when it came to relationships, you hadn't let anyone else in since Shawn. The fear of being broken again, of giving someone your heart only to have it crushed, had kept you from even trying.

When Ella told you Shawn would be at the wedding, you didn't say anything. It wasn't your place. It was her day, not yours, and she had every right to invite whoever she wanted. Shawn's presence didn't change why you were going—you were there to celebrate your best friend and the love of her life. Nothing else mattered.

But as you zipped up your suitcase, you couldn't help the pang of anxiety settling in your chest. You'd spent years avoiding Shawn, carefully sidestepping any chance of running into him. Now, you were about to walk straight into a weekend where you couldn't avoid him.

This was Ella's wedding, though, and you weren't going to let your past get in the way of her happiness. You'd be there for her, just as you always had been. Even if it meant facing the one person who had once shattered your heart.

THE RUSTY ANCHOR—an unassuming dive bar tucked between the edge of town and the shore—had witnessed more of your teenage years than even your own bedroom. Its cracked vinyl booths still carried the faint, mingled scents of spilled whiskey and cheap wood polish. The air buzzed with the low hum of conversations and the raspy vocals of some classic rock anthem spinning endlessly on the aging jukebox. It was the kind of place that hadn't changed in decades, and for a brief moment, stepping inside felt like walking into a time capsule of your youth.

At the far end of the long, battered wooden table, you sat apart from the lively group, fingers idly tracing patterns around the rim of your untouched drink. The condensation from the glass left faint circles on the tabletop, joining countless others worn into the wood over the years. Your script, the one for the upcoming cameo role you'd agreed to, lay open on the table in front of you. The scene was supposed to be a simple one, but you weren't about to show up unprepared—not after the career you'd built.

The others, on the other hand, had fully surrendered to the nostalgia of the moment. Ella and Jake, the happy couple, sat pressed together in the middle of the group, their hands intertwined as they smiled at one another with that warm, unshakable kind of love that made you believe in fairy tales for just a second. Matt and Lexie had everyone laughing as they reenacted a cringeworthy high school moment, throwing in exaggerated voices and gestures to drive the point home. Sophie and Nate were huddled in the corner, fumbling hopelessly with a phone tripod as they tried to set it up for the perfect group selfie. The bar's dim lighting and aged decor weren't exactly Instagram-worthy, but they weren't about to let that stop them.

And then there was you—half there, half somewhere else, lost between the words on your script and the growing knot of unease in your stomach. It wasn't that you didn't want to be here; you did, for Ella's sake. But the anticipation of Shawn's arrival hung over you like a storm cloud, looming just out of sight but impossible to ignore.

Everyone was waiting for him. Ella had mentioned that Shawn was running late—traffic, she'd said—but you weren't sure if it was his timing or your own nerves making the minutes feel like hours. You hadn't seen him in years, and yet, here you were, waiting for him in the same bar where it had all started. You told yourself it was fine, that you were fine. You'd come here to celebrate Ella and Jake, not to dredge up the past.

But as you flipped the page of your script, scanning the dialogue that now seemed distant and unimportant, you felt the old ghosts of the Rusty Anchor stirring. You'd shared so many nights here with Shawn—late-night talks, stolen moments, the thrill of something secret and unspoken. And eventually, the heartbreak.

You took a deep breath, focusing back on the group. The others didn't seem to notice your distraction, which you were grateful for. You couldn't let them see the crack in your carefully maintained composure. Ella and Jake's laughter echoed across the table, a reminder of why you were really here. Whatever was about to happen when Shawn finally walked through that door, you'd face it—like you always did.

Matt, ever the observant one despite his antics, finally caught on to your silence. He leaned back in his chair, his beer in hand, and shot a pointed look in Ella's direction. With a subtle nudge of his elbow, he silently conveyed what you already knew was coming. Ella straightened up slightly, her expression shifting from carefree joy to quiet concern. She turned toward you, leaning closer so her voice wouldn't carry over the others' laughter.

"You good?" she asked, her tone soft, laced with the kind of concern that only years of friendship could convey.

You met her gaze briefly, then looked back down at the script in front of you. The pages blurred slightly, not from the dim light of the bar but from the weight of her question—and the unspoken one that hung between you. You knew what she was really asking.

"Fine," you replied, your voice even, betraying nothing. It wasn't a lie, not entirely. You weren't on the verge of breaking down or anything, but "fine" was easier than trying to unpack the knot of emotions twisting in your chest. Ella studied you for a moment longer, her lips pressing into a thin line as though deciding whether to push the matter.

The others were still caught up in their own worlds—Matt and Lexie's exaggerated reenactment had escalated into a full-blown performance, complete with dramatic gestures, and Sophie had just knocked over the phone tripod, prompting Nate's exasperated groan. The noise and chaos of the group gave you and Ella a small bubble of privacy, but you could tell she wasn't going to let this go entirely.

She tilted her head slightly, her voice barely above a whisper now. "You know you can talk to me, right? If...you need to?"

You swallowed hard and gave her a small, reassuring smile. "I know," you said, and you meant it. Ella had always been your anchor, the one person who'd seen you through every storm. But this wasn't her storm to weather—it was yours. And you weren't ready to open the floodgates just yet.

She hesitated for a moment longer, her eyes searching yours as if trying to read the words you weren't saying. Then, with a quiet sigh, she nodded and leaned back into her seat, giving you the space she knew you needed.

Still, the weight of her concern lingered, a reminder that she knew you better than you often gave her credit for. You turned back to your script, forcing yourself to focus on the dialogue. But as the minutes ticked by, the anticipation in your chest only grew heavier. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you were already preparing for the moment the door would open and Shawn would walk in.

Suddenly, The bell above the door jingled again, its cheerful chime cutting through the ambient noise of laughter and music. You didn't look up immediately, but you felt the subtle shift in the group before you heard the footsteps. They were slow, hesitant, as though the person walking in wasn't entirely sure they were welcome.

"Hey, guys."

That voice. Warm, richer now with age but still carrying the same undertone of quiet charm that had once been your undoing. Shawn Mendes.

You finally looked up, your stomach tightening instinctively. There he was, standing just a few feet away, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of a well-worn leather jacket that looked as though it had seen as many years as the bar itself. His dark hair was slightly tousled, as if he'd been running his hands through it nervously on the way over.

He looked good. You hated that you noticed.

Shawn's gaze swept over the group, his soft brown eyes flicking from face to face as he offered a small, tentative smile. Matt was the first to respond, raising his beer in greeting with a loud, "Shawn! Took you long enough, man!" That broke the ice, and the others chimed in with similar greetings, inviting him into the fold as though no time had passed.

But Shawn's eyes didn't linger on Matt or Lexie or Sophie. No, they found you—and stayed there, longer than you were prepared for. It wasn't a casual glance. His expression shifted slightly, a flicker of something you couldn't quite place—nostalgia, maybe, or regret. Whatever it was, it sent a jolt of unease through you.

You held his gaze for a moment, refusing to look away first, even though your pulse quickened. The years between you hadn't erased the memory of that look—the way it had once been filled with something softer, something deeper. But now, it was a reminder of everything that had gone wrong.

"Hey," he said again, quieter this time, almost as if it was meant just for you. Then, as if realizing he'd been staring, he quickly dropped his eyes and slid into the open seat across from you.

Ella, ever the hostess, leaned forward with a bright smile, immediately steering the conversation toward familiar, safe topics to ease the tension. The others followed her lead, peppering Shawn with questions about what he'd been up to, where he was living, whether he was still writing music.

You stayed silent, your fingers tightening slightly around the edge of your script. You didn't trust yourself to speak—not yet. Not when your mind was racing with a thousand emotions you weren't ready to unpack. So, you let the others fill the space, their chatter buzzing around you like white noise.

But Shawn's presence was impossible to ignore. Even as you kept your eyes on the words in front of you, you could feel his attention drifting back to you, tentative but persistent, like he was waiting for some kind of opening. You weren't sure if you wanted to give him one.

The night suddenly felt heavier, the weight of the past pressing down on you in a way you hadn't anticipated. It was going to be a long evening.

"Good to see everyone," Shawn said, his voice warm but laced with an edge of caution. "It's been... a while."

The group immediately erupted into small talk, eager to fill him in on everything he'd missed. Matt launched into a story about his new job, Lexie joked about her disastrous attempts at online dating, and Sophie managed to pull Shawn into a quick selfie for her ever-growing collection. The chatter was lively, easy, as though everyone had effortlessly fallen back into their old rhythm.

Everyone except you.

You kept quiet, your hands clenched tightly under the table where no one could see. Shawn's gaze drifted to you more than once—you could feel it—but you kept your eyes fixed on the script in front of you, pretending to study the pages with far more intensity than they warranted.

And Shawn noticed. You could feel the weight of his attention growing heavier, like he was waiting for the right moment.

That moment came during a lull, the conversation dipping into a rare silence as everyone caught their breath. Shawn cleared his throat, and the sound sent a ripple through the table.

"Hey..." His voice was low, hesitant, but it cut through the quiet. His eyes were on you, the rest of the group suddenly forgotten. "Can we talk?"

The question hung in the air, and the table collectively stilled. Your friends, so loud and animated just moments ago, now found their drinks, the table, and the far corners of the bar incredibly fascinating.

You didn't look up. Your fingers tightened around the edge of the table, and you forced yourself to sound indifferent. "Nothing to talk about," you said with a shrug, your tone flat, dismissive.

Shawn flinched, just barely, but it was enough for you to notice. The others exchanged quick, awkward glances, as if debating whether to intervene or pretend they hadn't heard anything. Ella shifted uncomfortably in her seat, but she didn't say a word.

Shawn leaned forward slightly, his hands resting on the table as he tried again. "I think there is," he said, quieter this time. There was a rawness in his voice now, a vulnerability that caught you off guard.

You finally looked up, your eyes meeting his for the first time that night. The tension between you was almost palpable, the weight of unresolved history pressing down on both of you. For a moment, no one at the table breathed, waiting to see what you would do.

But instead of answering, you pushed your chair back, the legs scraping against the worn floorboards. "I'm going to get some air," you muttered, standing up before anyone could stop you.

As you walked away, you could feel Shawn's eyes on your back, but you didn't turn around. The familiar scent of the bar faded as you stepped outside into the cool night air, the door closing behind you with a hollow thud.

For a few seconds, you just stood there, breathing deeply, trying to push down the mix of anger, sadness, and something dangerously close to longing that his presence had stirred up. You weren't ready for this—not here, not now.

The cool night air was a relief against your skin, though it did little to calm the storm inside you. You leaned against the wall of the bar, staring out at the empty parking lot, your arms crossed tightly across your chest. The muffled sounds of laughter and music filtered through the door behind you, a reminder that the rest of the world was still spinning, even if yours felt like it had tilted on its axis.

The door creaked open, and for a moment, you tensed, expecting him. But instead, you heard the familiar shuffle of boots and the soft clearing of a throat.

"Mind if I join you?" Ella's voice was gentle, cautious, as though she were approaching a wounded animal. You didn't answer, but you didn't stop her either, and that was all the permission she needed. She stepped out fully, the door shutting softly behind her, and slid down to sit beside you on the curb.

For a while, neither of you spoke. She didn't push, didn't bombard you with questions or platitudes. She just sat there, her presence steady and grounding, letting the silence work its way through you both.

Finally, she broke it. "You want to tell me what's going on?" Her tone was careful but insistent, the way only Ella could manage—enough to remind you she wasn't going anywhere, but not so much that you felt forced to answer.

You exhaled sharply, your breath visible in the chilly air. "It's nothing," you said, though the tightness in your voice betrayed you.

Ella let out a soft laugh, dry but not unkind. "You really think I'm buying that?"

You glanced at her, her face partially lit by the warm glow of the bar's neon sign. She was watching you with that look—the one that had been the undoing of every lie you'd ever tried to tell her. Her expression was equal parts patient and stubborn, and you knew there was no sidestepping this conversation.

You ran a hand through your hair, letting out a frustrated sigh. "I don't know, El. It's... Shawn." His name felt heavy on your tongue, and saying it aloud made everything feel more real.

Ella nodded, her expression softening. "I figured," she said simply. "I saw the way you went quiet as soon as he walked in."

You turned away, staring at the cracked pavement beneath your feet. "I wasn't ready for this," you admitted quietly. "Seeing him again. Hearing his voice. It's like..." You trailed off, searching for the words, but they didn't come.

"Like it ripped open something you thought was healed?" she finished for you.

You looked at her, surprised by how perfectly she'd nailed it. She smiled faintly, shrugging. "I've been there, you know. Different person, different situation, but I get it."

A bitter laugh escaped you. "I thought I was over it. Over him. It's been years, El. I've moved on... or at least I thought I had."

"Moving on doesn't mean forgetting," she said gently. "Or that it stops mattering. You loved him, even if it was messy and complicated. And he hurt you. Of course it's going to feel like this."

You leaned back, resting your head against the cold brick wall. "I just... I don't know what he wants. Why he's here."

Ella tilted her head, studying you. "Maybe he just wants to talk. To make things right."

You scoffed. "It's a little late for that."

"Maybe," she agreed. "But maybe it's not. Either way, you don't have to figure it all out tonight. Just... give yourself some grace, okay? You don't have to have all the answers right now."

For the first time since stepping outside, you let yourself relax, even if only slightly. Ella reached over, giving your hand a quick squeeze. "Whatever happens, I've got your back. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," you said softly. "I know."

You exhaled slowly, letting the weight of the moment settle before you turned to Ella. Her concern was genuine, her presence comforting, but it wasn't what you wanted to focus on right now. You gave her a small, grateful smile before speaking.

"Ella," you began softly, "this weekend isn't about me. Or Shawn. It's about you and Jake. Your wedding, your union, everything you've worked for together. I don't want to be the one dragging old feelings and unresolved drama into that."

She frowned, tilting her head. "You're not dragging anything in. I can see how much this is affecting you, and I just want to make sure—"

"I'm fine," you interrupted gently, holding her gaze. "Really, I am. I came here for you, for Jake, to celebrate what you two have. That's all that matters to me. Whatever's going on with Shawn... it's in the past. I'm not going to let it overshadow your moment."

Ella sighed, her brow furrowed with worry, but there was also a flicker of relief in her expression. "You sure? Because you don't have to bottle everything up just for my sake, you know. If you need to step away, if you need to take time for yourself—"

"Ella," you said, cutting her off with a soft laugh. "I love you, but this isn't the time for that. You and Jake have waited so long for this weekend, and I'm not about to be the one who makes it about something else. I'm here to support you, to stand by your side. That's all I want."

Her lips pressed together, her eyes searching yours for any cracks in your resolve. "You always do that," she said after a moment.

"Do what?"

"Put yourself last. Sacrifice what you're feeling for everyone else." She reached over, resting a hand on your arm. "I know you're here for me, and I love you for it. But don't think for a second that I'm going to let you drown in this just to keep a smile on my face. I know you, and I know when something's eating at you."

You sighed, leaning back against the wall again. "It's not that simple, Ella. What am I supposed to do? Have some emotional heart-to-heart with Shawn in the middle of your wedding festivities? That's not going to happen."

"I'm not saying you have to," she said, her voice calm but firm. "But don't ignore how you feel either. This isn't about giving him anything—it's about giving yourself some closure, even if it's just for your own peace of mind."

You didn't respond right away, staring out at the dark parking lot. After a moment, you gave her a half-smile. "I'll think about it. But only after you and Jake are officially hitched and I'm three drinks into the reception."

Ella laughed, the sound light and familiar, breaking the tension in the air. "Fair enough," she said. Then her expression softened, and she leaned her head against your shoulder. "You've always been there for me. I just want to make sure I'm there for you too."

"You are," you said, your voice steady. "You always are."

After a few more moments of quiet outside, you stood up, brushing off your jeans and offering Ella a hand. She took it, squeezing it gently before the two of you headed back inside. The warmth and noise of The Rusty Anchor hit you as soon as you opened the door—laughter, the low hum of the jukebox, and the familiar din of your friend group already several drinks deep.

You slid back into your seat at the table, Ella following close behind. The others didn't seem to notice your brief absence, caught up in their conversation. Shawn's eyes flicked toward you briefly, but you didn't return the glance. Instead, you focused on Ella, who leaned forward to get everyone's attention.

"Alright, guys," she began, her voice raised slightly to cut through the noise. Jake grinned beside her, clearly in on whatever announcement she was about to make. "So, Jake and I were talking, and we figured it's been forever since all of us got to spend some real time together. And with the wedding coming up, we thought... why not?"

The group fell silent, everyone looking at her with a mix of curiosity and excitement.

"So," Jake added, taking over, "we booked a cabin for the week leading up to the wedding. It's big enough for all of us, and we thought it'd be a great way to reconnect—hang out, relive old times, and, you know, just relax before the big day."

The announcement was met with a chorus of reactions—cheers, laughter, and a few surprised exclamations. Lexie clapped her hands together. "Are you serious? A whole week together? That's amazing!"

"Wait," Matt said, his brow furrowed. "This isn't one of those creepy cabins in the middle of nowhere where we get picked off by a horror movie villain, right?"

"Absolutely not," Ella said with a grin. "It's a gorgeous place by the lake. Full amenities, big kitchen, tons of space. It's perfect."

Sophie let out an excited squeal. "Oh my God, I can't wait! This is going to be so much fun!"

Nate, ever the practical one, raised an eyebrow. "What about work? I mean, some of us have—"

Jake waved him off. "We planned this ages ago and checked with everyone's schedules. Plus, it's not mandatory. But we'd love it if you came."

The group's energy was electric now, everyone talking over each other with plans and excitement. You stayed quiet, processing the news. A whole week together. With Ella and Jake, with the others. With Shawn.

Ella caught your eye, giving you a look that said it'll be fine. She knew what you were thinking, and she wasn't going to let you back out.

"So," Ella said, her smile widening as she looked around the table, "what do you guys think? Are you in?"

The unanimous response was a resounding yes. Even you, despite your hesitation, nodded along. This was Ella's time, and you'd promised yourself you'd be here for her. Whatever came next, you'd deal with it. Together.

THE DRIVE up to the secluded cabin had been both long and strangely nostalgic, each twist and turn of the road pulling you further from the noise of everyday life and deeper into a landscape that felt like a postcard. The forest, dense with towering pines, seemed to close in around the winding road, while the sunlight filtering through the trees created dappled patterns on the asphalt. Every so often, the view would break open to reveal a pristine mountain lake, its surface shimmering like glass under the soft afternoon sun.

The convoy of three cars navigated the final stretch together, gravel crunching under tires as you pulled into the wide driveway one by one. The sight that greeted you was enough to make the long drive worth it. The cabin stood tall and inviting, its rustic log exterior blending seamlessly with the natural surroundings. A wide wrap-around porch wrapped around the structure, adorned with cozy rocking chairs and lanterns that were already glowing softly against the early evening sky.

Beyond the cabin, the lake stretched out in serene stillness, its surface kissed by a thin layer of mist that drifted lazily across the water. The evergreens lining the shore swayed gently in the cool breeze, their reflection rippling faintly in the water. It was quiet, except for the occasional call of a bird or the faint rustle of leaves in the wind—a kind of peace you hadn't realized you needed until you arrived.

Everyone began climbing out of their cars, stretching and letting out exaggerated groans after the long drive. Bags were retrieved from trunks, and the air quickly filled with the sounds of chatter and laughter as the group took in their surroundings.

"This place is incredible," Sophie said, spinning in a slow circle to take it all in. "I feel like we're in a movie or something."

"Right?" Lexie agreed, already snapping pictures with her phone. "We're totally living our best lives this week."

Matt, ever practical, eyed the cabin with a playful grin. "Are we sure this isn't one of those places where we all get picked off one by one? Because I'm pretty sure I saw this exact setup in a horror movie once."

Ella rolled her eyes, laughing as she looped her arm through Jake's. "Relax, Matt. The scariest thing here is probably going to be Lexie's attempts at making s'mores."

"Hey!" Lexie shot back, grinning. "My s'mores are legendary."

You smiled faintly at the banter, your eyes scanning the cabin and its surroundings. It was beautiful, no doubt about it, and it did feel like the perfect place to reconnect. But there was an underlying tension you couldn't quite shake—one that had nothing to do with the cabin or the lake.

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Shawn unloading his bag from the backseat of his car. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, glancing toward the group as if gauging whether to join in the chatter. When his eyes briefly met yours, he gave a small, tentative smile. You didn't return it, turning your attention back to the others instead.

"Alright, everyone," Jake called out, clapping his hands together. "Let's get settled in. Ella and I claimed the master bedroom—obviously—but the rest of you can fight over the other rooms."

"First come, first serve!" Matt shouted, grabbing his bag and bolting toward the cabin, Lexie hot on his heels.

The others followed, laughing and calling out dibs as they disappeared through the front door. You hung back for a moment, taking one last look at the lake and breathing in the crisp, pine-scented air.

"It's going to be a good week," Ella said quietly, stepping up beside you. Her voice was calm, reassuring, as if she could sense the hesitation still lingering in you.

You nodded, giving her a small smile. "Yeah," you said softly, "it will be."

Together, you headed toward the cabin, ready to see what the week—and whatever it brought—had in store.

The cabin's interior was even more breathtaking than its exterior. Wide wooden beams stretched across the vaulted ceiling, giving the living room an open, airy feel. A massive stone fireplace dominated one wall, its hearth flanked by built-in bookshelves filled with worn novels and board games. Oversized couches, draped with soft plaid blankets, were arranged in a semi-circle near the fireplace, clearly designed for late-night conversations and fireside gatherings.

The floor-to-ceiling windows were the real showstopper, offering an unobstructed view of the lake. The fading sunlight painted the water in hues of gold and orange, and the mist that lingered earlier had lifted just enough to reveal the treetops on the opposite shore. It was the kind of view that made you want to sit and watch it for hours.

"Okay!" Ella's voice broke through the awed silence. She clapped her hands together, a wide grin on her face. "Claim your rooms now before Lexie steals the best one."

"I resent that!" Lexie called out, already halfway up the staircase with her bag in hand.

The group burst into laughter as everyone scattered, suitcases thudding up and down the stairs and along the wooden floors. There was no real system—just a lot of playful shouts of "Dibs!" and exaggerated protests as people jostled for the best spots.

You stayed back, letting the chaos unfold without you. It wasn't that you didn't care where you stayed—you just didn't have the energy to argue about it. After a few minutes, the noise upstairs settled down as everyone staked their claims. Finally, you grabbed your bag and headed up the stairs, finding a room at the very end of the hall.

It was smaller than some of the others but no less charming. A sturdy wooden bed with a thick quilt sat against one wall, and a large window overlooked the forest. The room was quiet and private, the kind of space that let you breathe a little easier. You dropped your bag at the foot of the bed and walked over to the window, peering out at the dense line of trees. The fading light filtered through the branches, casting long shadows on the ground.

It wasn't the lake view, but you didn't mind. The forest felt secluded, calm—a contrast to the energy buzzing through the rest of the cabin. You let out a slow breath, feeling some of the tension from the day ease away.

Downstairs, the sound of laughter and footsteps echoed faintly. You could hear Sophie's voice carrying over the others, probably trying to organize some kind of group activity, and Matt cracking one of his signature terrible jokes. For a moment, you considered staying in your room and avoiding the inevitable awkwardness of being in the same space as Shawn for the rest of the evening.

But then you heard Ella call your name from the living room, her voice light and full of excitement. You sighed, shaking your head with a small smile. This week was for her, for Jake, for all of you to reconnect as friends.

With one last glance at the forest, you turned and headed downstairs, bracing yourself for whatever the night had in store.

BY NIGHTFALL, the group had migrated outside, where a roaring fire crackled in the stone fire pit just beyond the cabin's porch. The flames cast flickering shadows on the surrounding trees, their golden light reaching up to the star-filled sky. Embers popped and danced as they floated upward, disappearing into the crisp night air. The faint scent of pine mingled with the smokiness of the fire, grounding you in the peaceful stillness of the forest.

Blankets were draped over shoulders as the group settled in around the fire, the cozy scene punctuated by bursts of laughter and the clinking of bottles from the cooler someone had dragged out. Sophie and Nate were huddled near the edge of the fire pit, attempting to make s'mores. Sophie let out a loud laugh as she accidentally set her marshmallow ablaze, the charred black blob dangling precariously from her skewer.

"Why does this always happen to me?" she groaned, trying to blow it out without much success.

"Because you refuse to rotate it slowly," Nate said, grinning as he expertly toasted his own marshmallow to a perfect golden brown. "Patience is a virtue."

"Patience is boring," Sophie shot back, finally extinguishing the flames. She plopped the ruined marshmallow onto a graham cracker anyway, earning another laugh from Nate.

On the opposite side of the fire, Matt was midway through recounting an elaborate story about a disastrous hiking trip from years ago. His voice grew louder with each detail, his hands flying in exaggerated gestures as he described the "near-death" experience.

"I'm telling you, the bear was this close," he said, stretching his arms wide for emphasis.

"It was a raccoon, Matt," Lexie interjected dryly, her face lit with mock intensity as she leaned forward. "And you were hiding behind a tree screaming while the rest of us dealt with it."

The group erupted into laughter, even Matt, who dramatically rolled his eyes. "Details, Lexie. Nobody cares about the details."

You sat quietly on one of the large wooden logs circling the fire, a half-finished beer in your hand. The warmth of the flames pressed against your skin, contrasting with the cool night air. You tilted your head back to look at the stars, which seemed impossibly bright out here, far from the city lights. For a moment, you let yourself relax, tuning out the chatter and letting the fire's crackle fill your mind.

But you couldn't entirely ignore the presence of Shawn, sitting across the fire from you. He wasn't saying much, mostly listening and occasionally laughing along with the others. Every now and then, his gaze would flicker to you, lingering for just a moment too long before he looked away. You tried not to notice, tried not to let it bother you. But it did.

Ella, sitting beside you, leaned over and bumped your shoulder lightly. "You okay?" she asked softly, her voice low enough that the others couldn't hear.

You nodded, giving her a small smile. "Yeah," you said, and for now, it wasn't entirely a lie.

As the night deepened, the fire burned lower, the flames licking lazily at the logs. The hum of conversation and laughter had softened, but the energy of the group still buzzed in the cool air. You were focused on the glow of the embers, letting the warmth lull you into a momentary calm, when you felt it: the unmistakable weight of someone sitting down beside you.

Shawn.

He didn't speak right away, just stretched his legs out toward the fire and rested his hands on his knees, the movement casual yet deliberate. The orange firelight danced across his face, accentuating the sharp curve of his jaw and the faint stubble that shadowed his chin. He looked different, older, but in a way that made him even more disarming.

"Mind if I sit?" he finally asked, his voice low, though he was already seated.

You shrugged, your voice cool. "It's a free country."

A quiet moment stretched between you, filled only by the crackling of the fire and the sounds of your friends laughing and talking a few feet away. You kept your eyes on the flames, refusing to give him the satisfaction of looking at him.

"You've been...quiet," he said, his tone soft but probing, his gaze still fixed on the fire.

"Just taking it all in," you replied, keeping your voice even. You weren't sure if it was entirely true, but it was easier than admitting the truth—that his presence was making it harder to think straight.

He nodded, rubbing his hands together against the chill. "It's weird being back together like this. Good, but... weird."

You hummed in vague agreement, still not looking at him. The air between you felt heavy, dense with unspoken words.

Shawn shifted slightly closer, lowering his voice so only you could hear. "I didn't think you'd come."

That made you turn to him, your expression guarded, a faint edge to your voice. "Really? To my best friend’s wedding? The wedding that’s we’ve planning since third grade?”

His gaze faltered, his confidence cracking just slightly under your words. "I know. I just..." He hesitated, his voice softer now. "I'm glad you did."

Before you could muster a response, Matt's booming voice shattered the tension: "Alright, truth or dare time! We're doing this old-school, no backing out."

A groan rippled through the group, Sophie rolling her eyes dramatically. But the rest of your friends cheered, shifting eagerly into a circle around the fire, blankets and drinks in hand.

Matt pointed at you first, his grin mischievous. "You're up. Truth or dare?"

All eyes turned to you, the firelight catching their amused, expectant faces. But it was Shawn's gaze that lingered the heaviest, his expression unreadable but his attention unmistakable.

You swallowed, feeling the weight of the moment pressing down on you. "...Truth," you finally said, your voice steady despite the knot in your chest.

Matt's grin widened, his excitement palpable. "What's something you regret not saying to someone from our past?"

The group erupted into playful groans and teasing "Oooohs," their laughter filling the space. But you didn't hear them clearly; all you could focus on was Shawn. His gaze locked onto yours across the fire, not with judgment, but with something closer to curiosity—or maybe hope.

The fire crackled, the moment stretching endlessly.

You kept your expression cool, your voice even as you finally answered. "I don't believe in regrets."

The group collectively booed your non-answer, Matt groaning in mock frustration. "Lame! That's such a cop-out."

But he let it slide, moving on to his next target with exaggerated flair, and the energy of the circle quickly shifted back to laughter and playful dares.

Shawn, though, didn't move. He stayed beside you, his lips quirking into the faintest, almost imperceptible smile. It wasn't smug or knowing, but there was something in it that made your stomach flip—a quiet acknowledgment, a shared understanding that the conversation between you was far from over.

THE NIGHT went on, but the fire between you and Shawn wasn't the only one that refused to burn out. The past, it seemed, had found its way back to the present.

The wooden deck groaned softly as Shawn shifted his weight, leaning further against the porch railing. The crisp night air was a stark contrast to the warmth and noise inside, and for a moment, he allowed himself to focus on the stars overhead. They stretched endlessly across the black sky, impossibly clear and bright, a view he hadn't appreciated in far too long. In the distance, the faint shimmer of the lake was barely visible, a mirror reflecting the night.

The sliding glass door behind him clicked softly, followed by the sound of familiar footsteps. Shawn didn't turn around, but when Matt stepped up to the railing beside him, a small smile tugged at his lips.

"Needed some air," Matt said, raising his whiskey tumbler as if to toast the night. The amber liquid caught the warm glow of the porch lantern. "It's loud in there."

Shawn nodded, taking a sip from his beer. "Yeah... They're already three drinks ahead of us."

Matt chuckled, leaning against the railing. "Sophie's halfway to starting a karaoke competition. We've got about ten minutes before it gets really embarrassing."

They shared a quiet laugh, the kind that comes easily between old friends. The muffled sounds of music and laughter spilled faintly from the cabin's windows, a backdrop to the peaceful stillness of the night outside.

Matt tilted his head back, his gaze tracing the constellations overhead. "You forget how clear the stars are out here," he murmured. "Living in the city, it's just buildings and streetlights. This feels... different."

Shawn exhaled slowly, his eyes drifting toward the lake, its dark silhouette barely visible against the horizon. "Yeah," he said, his voice quieter now. "I missed this."

A pause stretched between them, comfortable but weighted, the kind of silence where unspoken thoughts hovered just out of reach. Finally, Matt broke it, his tone softer this time. "So... How's life been? I mean, really."

Shawn hesitated, the question hanging in the air. He shrugged, setting his beer down on the railing with a dull clink. "Busy. Music, touring... all of it kind of blurs together after a while." He paused, his expression shifting, the faintest shadow crossing his face. "It's good, though. I'm lucky."

Matt turned his head slightly, studying him. "You don't sound like you believe that."

A dry laugh escaped Shawn, low and almost self-deprecating. "It's not that," he said, running a hand through his hair. "I just—sometimes it feels like... I'm always moving, you know? Like if I stop for too long, everything catches up."

Matt nodded, swirling the whiskey in his glass, the soft clink of ice punctuating the moment. "I get that," he said quietly. "Life comes at you fast, and you think if you stay busy enough, you can outrun the stuff that hurts."

Shawn glanced at him, something vulnerable flickering in his expression, and then he looked back out at the dark expanse of trees. "Yeah," he said simply. "Exactly."

For a while, neither of them spoke, letting the stillness of the night wrap around them. The soft hum of music and laughter from inside the cabin continued, a reminder of the world they'd stepped away from. But out here, under the stars, with the cool air biting gently at their skin, it was easy to feel like time had slowed, just for a moment.

Matt broke the silence again, his voice thoughtful. "You think maybe... it's time to stop running?"

Shawn didn't answer right away. Instead, he picked up his beer and took another sip, his gaze still fixed on the horizon. "I don't know," he admitted finally. "Maybe. I just... don't know how."

Matt let that hang in the air, neither agreeing nor pressing further. He simply nodded, tipping his glass toward the stars before taking a long sip of whiskey.

Inside, the music swelled, and a loud cheer erupted, likely signaling the start of Sophie's infamous karaoke showdown.

Matt broke the silence first, his voice low but deliberate. "Have you talked to him yet?"

Shawn tensed, the question cutting through the quiet night. He didn't turn his head, his gaze locked on the dark expanse of the lake. "Not really," he admitted after a pause. "He's been..." He hesitated, searching for the right word. "...distant."

Matt let out a soft, humorless laugh. "Can you blame him?"

Shawn flinched at the words but didn't argue. The truth in them was undeniable, and it settled in his chest like a weight.

Matt leaned back against the railing, his tone shifting to something softer. "You really hurt him, man."

"I know," Shawn said, his voice barely above a whisper. There was a rawness to it, a crack in his carefully composed exterior. "I didn't mean to. I just... I was scared. Scared of what people would think, of what it would change. Of what it would make me."

Matt turned to look at him, his expression both sharp and understanding. "It changed everything anyway."

The words hit hard, and Shawn nodded slowly, his shoulders sagging under a weight he had been carrying for far too long. "I thought I was protecting him... protecting us. But I wasn't. I was just protecting myself."

Matt sighed, folding his arms across his chest. "You know he loved you, right? More than he ever admitted... even when it all fell apart."

Shawn's grip tightened around the neck of his beer bottle, his gaze dropping to the worn wooden planks beneath his boots. "Do you think it's too late?"

Matt studied him, his expression unreadable as he considered the question. Finally, he spoke, his voice steady. "I think... you only get so many chances in life. But if you're waiting for the perfect moment to fix this, it's never gonna come. You've gotta decide if he's worth the risk."

Shawn nodded faintly, his jaw tightening as he swallowed hard. "I don't know if he even wants to hear me out," he murmured, more to himself than to Matt.

Matt's lips quirked into a faint smirk. "You won't know unless you try. But if you're going to do it, you can't half-ass it this time. No secrets. No excuses. He deserves better than that."

Shawn's gaze lifted, following the faint ripples of the lake under the starlight. The reflection of the stars on the water seemed endless, like a horizon he couldn't quite reach. His fingers flexed around the beer bottle as the memories—both good and bad—flooded his mind.

After a long pause, his voice broke the stillness. It was quiet, but resolute. "I'm not scared anymore."

Matt clapped him on the shoulder, a firm but encouraging gesture. "Good," he said, his voice lighter but still sincere. "Just... be ready to fight for it. He's not gonna make it easy."

The faint strains of Sophie's slightly off-key karaoke performance drifted through the air, prompting a small laugh from both of them.

"Looks like Sophie's in full diva mode," Matt said with a grin. "We should head back before she forces us to do a duet."

Shawn smiled faintly, but his feet remained rooted to the spot. "You go ahead. I'll be in soon."

Matt nodded, understanding that Shawn needed a moment. He stepped back inside, the sliding glass door clicking softly behind him.

Shawn stayed where he was, staring out at the lake, his thoughts swirling like the rippling water. He let the cool night air wash over him, steadying his breath, his mind turning over what he'd just said.

I'm not scared anymore.

It felt like a declaration, one he hadn't realized he was ready to make until now. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn't too late after all.

[glubglubgurgle]

bruised apples

caleb's willing to wait forever for you, but why would you like someone else?

pairings: Caleb/unnamed afab MC

tags: fluff and angst, angst and romance, yearning!!!!, old days, non canon compliant, slow burn, awkward love, eventual romance, eventual smut, dry humping..., caleb third person pov

word count (C1-9): 21.4k

a/n!: cross posted on ao3! this is my first time posting a fic on tumblr...idk how to format everything prettily like everyone else TT this is also my first time writing a fic in forever and first time writing anything smutty in general. there is def some grammar issues...sorry!!! but i hope u enjoy anyways :3

CHAPTER 10 CHAPTER 11-12 CHAPTER 13-14 EPILOGUE

Chapters 1-9 below!

Chapter 1

“I think I like someone.”

Caleb was as resilient as can be. It took more than a few hits to the face to take him down, if anyone even managed to get that close to him. He endured far more physical and emotional pain than anyone his age should have experienced.

But his world came crashing down once the girl he dreamed of every night said that one sentence.

He was on his break from the DAA, and she sprung the five words during dinner, ever so casually. She poked at her food with her fork, biting her lip and avoiding eye contact. He knew she always felt uncomfortable talking about boys with him. Admittedly, he gets really defensive about her and the guys around her. All these years of protecting her, he could never be sure about anyone’s intentions.

“Please say something, you scare me when you’re quiet.” Her hand rested on his. “He’s really nice, and I don’t even think he likes me like that. I just wanted to tell you because I feel really strongly about this crush for once, and you’re important to me. I don’t wanna hide anything from you.” Her fingers gripped on his tighter as she rambled.

Caleb finally recovered from his thoughts, noticing the scowl building on his face and attempted to reverse it. He let go of his fork and put his hand atop of hers. “Pips, I’m glad you like someone. I just worry about you, but thanks for telling me.” He raised her hand with his and stared at her fingers. Nails painted like red and green apples. Thoughts of her in her room painting her nails while she missed him flood his brain. “He’d be an idiot to not like you back…” he mutters. The frown on his face twitches back into a soft smile. He let go of her hand and pinched her cheek, eliciting a shriek from her.

“Hey!” She pulled her hand back from near you and rubbed her face. She resumed eating, a small smile played on her lips, as if she felt accomplished.

“So…” Caleb drew out the o’s. “Who is he? Does he have good grades? Is he nice?” Feigning a positive interest. Truthfully, it killed him.

She, on the other hand, seemed very interested to talk about her mystery man. She took her last bite from her bowl before bringing her legs up to hug her knees. She rested her cheek on her right knee to look at him while talking, giddy. So entranced by the thoughts of her crush, she didn’t notice the way Calebs fists were clenched under the table or the way his lips would betray him and frown every now and then.

“He sits next to me in class, right now. We switched our seats around because everyone was sitting with their friend the first week.” Her cheeks turned pink thinking of him. “I never really interacted with him before…I think we were on opposite sides of the class every year before, but also there was never really any reason to.” She shrugged, eyes wandering while thinking of the past. She shook her head to get back on track and looked back at Caleb with a sort of gleam in her eye. “He’s really smart, I think he was top of the class last year. We didn’t really talk much at first, but he saw me struggling with a math question and helped me out. Ever since, we’ve been talking more and more.” She giggled.

Her smile would always put one on Caleb’s face. This one stung. A smile meant for someone else. Did he even deserve it? Does he even know how lucky he is?

“Don’t worry, I’ve done a background check on him…kind of. I know you always tell me to be careful and from what I’ve seen and heard, he’s good!” She stood up and saluted at me, “Won’t let you down, Captain Caleb!” She released her position and laughed. She picked up her dishes to take to the sink.

Surprisingly, Caleb heard the water running and dishes clanking. Normally she left her dishes for him to do.

He got up and walked toward her. Her back faced him and he had to hold back from doing anything rash. Multiple scenarios played in his mind. What if he just admitted his feelings now? What if he begged her not to like this guy? What if he made him disappear?

Instead he wrapped his arms around her, and rested his forehead on her shoulder. “I was only gone for a few weeks and you already found someone to take up your brain…” He let out a sigh against her sweater before breathing her in. She even smelled like candied apples.

She giggled, again. She turned the water off before turning around to look at him. She grabbed his face with both her hands and shook him around. Just like she always did when they were kids. “There’s the jealous and protective Caleb.”

His eyes widened at her reaction. Lax and carefree.

“You were being so supportive, I was starting to wonder if they cloned you over at the DAA and sent back a faulty one.” She snorted a little before letting his face go to turn back to the dishes. “And it’s been empty around here…but I’m not replacing you. You’re very important to me. I just really like him, but who knows if it’ll go anywhere. I think crushes are fun. And it’s my last year!” After setting her bowl on the drying rack, she turned back around and poked his cheek.

Caleb cleared his throat, and regained his posture. Crossing his arms, he looked at her with mock judgement, “Yeah, Pips. It’s your last year, shouldn’t you be studying? You better not throw away your Hunter dream for a guy.”

She rolled her eyes before pushing past him. “You didn���t even finish your food. Eat before you start to lecture me, I’m not doing your dishes.” She snarked back before dropping onto the couch.

Caleb stood in the kitchen, touching his face where she left electric currents. He knew he was screwed. How is he going to pretend to be okay with this? He knew he had to. He didn’t want to scare her off, and he just wanted her to be happy. Would this guy make her happy? As much as he made her happy? Would that guy cherish her the way he cherished her?

“When you’re done, come watch a movie with me.” She said from the couch, shaking him from his own thoughts. “I missed so many new movies because I waited to watch it with you.” She grumbled.

She was quick to say things that meant the world to Caleb, but it probably just came off casually to her. He tried to shake off the confession of her crush on someone else and cleaned up his own dishes. He was itching to spend time with you, and he didn’t want this bump in the road to get in the way. On one hand, this crush wouldn’t turn into anything serious. Like she said, they just started talking more.

But the idea of someone not liking her just doesn’t seem possible in Caleb’s brain. She was perfect according to him. Perfect for him, even. He couldn’t find the possibility of whoever that guy was to not like her back. Would he be strong enough emotionally to let her be happy with him? To stand by and watch someone else take her away?

Caleb sat at the end of the couch while she laid her head on his lap. They always watched movies like this. She always ended up falling asleep if she didn’t like the movie. And he always watched her, admiring her, before falling asleep himself. Their grandma would always come home to find them slumped against each other on the couch with the TV running.

The first movie was not to her liking at all. She fell asleep in the first ten minutes. Caleb wanted to keep asking about the mysterious guy, but he heard her soft snores and felt a damp patch on his thigh as she started to drool. He bit his lip as he stroked the top of her head.

“How could you like someone else, Pipsqueak…?” He mumbled, soft enough to not disturb her. It was destroying him. He was wondering if he could drop out and wait for her to graduate before going back to the DAA. But if he did that, how would he take control of the sky for her like he promised? He wanted to give her everything, but he also wanted to be her everything. Caleb loved her. He wished he could be selfish and take her as his own. He knew he could make her happy, he knew because he would do anything to make her happy. Would the other guy do the same?He knew he was thinking crazy. He was planning out the future at great lengths just because she had a simple crush. He couldn't help it. Caleb was terrified. His biggest fear was losing her.

Chapter 2

The two walked down the familiar path of the park near their home in silence. Although the awkward situation died down, Caleb was unable to keep away from his own thoughts. Despite the chilly autumn air prickling both of their skins, his blood ran hot with the thoughts of another guy taking up your time. He had to stop himself every now and then to remind him that they weren’t even close like that.

It was a dumb crush. He hoped endlessly.

“Caleb?” Her voice tore through his thoughts and ripping him from his worries. “It’s the fall festival and you walked past every apple stand without a glance.” She poked at his cheek and tried lifting the corner of his mouth into a smirk. “You promised me a pie. Why are you so stressed?” She got on her tippy toes and her hand moved up to his furrowed brows, trying to massage it out. “You haven’t told me anything about how the aviation academy is treating you…” She muttered, looking at him with a sort of puppy-dog eyes. 

He grabbed her hand and held it for a second before letting it drop back to her side. “You’re getting nosy, Pip. I wonder who you learned that from,” a natural smirk formed on his face. 

She rolled her eyes and hooked his arm with hers before continuing to walk. “Is the aviation academy cool? I want to visit next time.”

Caleb looked down at her as they walked and a pit in his stomach grew. She looked so beautiful to him, this was his world. He felt like he was going insane trying to fight the thoughts in the back of his head of someone else taking her away from him. After all he fought for. Everything about her felt like home and she was his primary motivation. How could she like someone else? He looked at her hairpin, the one he got for her from a small shop at Skyhaven, and reached out to touch it. “It’s fun learning, I miss being back home with you and Gran, though.” He softly said, meaning it wholeheartedly. “I’m glad you use this, I was worried you wouldn’t like it.” He said with a small smile.

“Of course I like it, silly.” She looked up at him from the side with a wide smile. She stopped them from walking and let go of Caleb. She reached into her bag to grab her coin pouch that was also gifted by him and put it to her face to smile even wider. “I love everything you give me! It makes me feel like a bit of you is still with me even when you’re away.” 

His heart warmed. The necklace she gifted him suddenly felt warm on his chest, as if to remind him that he does and feels the same thing. “That’s good. I am always here for you.” He smirks, patting the top of her head.

She got on her tippy toes and her face got close to his, arms almost wrapping around his neck.

He stilled and everything else stopped. He looked onto her smiling face and his eyes fell to her rosy lips. So close, yet so far.

Her hands tinkered around his neck looking for the familiar chain to pull out from under his shirt. She gruffed before settling back down on her feet. “Why do you hide it, embarrassed?” She fixed the necklace atop his chest where it was visible. Once she was satisfied, she walked towards an apple stall that was run by their neighbour.

Caleb took a moment to recover. He could have kissed her right then and there. Maybe she would have reciprocated and he wouldn’t have to worry anymore. He knew it was wrong. Caleb needed her and he wanted to be someone she needed too. He rubbed the back of his neck where he could still feel her fingers and then caught up with her. 

“Caleb, how many apples do we need for a pie?” She called out to him, waving her coin pouch again. 

-

They grabbed hot ciders from a stall and found a bench to sit on under the streetlights, overlooking the festival crowd. “I told you about my crush…did you meet anyone you like?” She asked. Caleb could’ve sworn the question was laced with fear or hestiance, but he brushed it off as hopeful thinking. 

He took a sip of his cider before shaking his head. “I don’t have time for that, you know me.” He set his cup down beside him. “It’s just like high school again, though…I’m just so charming.” Caleb smirked, looking at her.

She rolled her eyes before lightly pushing him, “Heartbreaker…none of them interest you? There’s no way not one of them caught your eye” She sips on her own cider looking away.

There was a pang in his chest, if it wasn’t her being worried about him, it felt like she was trying to marry him off. And it hurt him that she didn’t know that all he could think about was her. He was too busy with school, and even busier with her happiness and safety occupying his brain. “Nope.” He popped the ‘p’ and rubbed his palms on pants. “I’m too busy trying to become your personal pilot, Pip. Why would I be interested in anyone else when you’re already a handful,” he tried to joke. “Do you want me to get a girlfriend that bad?” He leaned towards her ear and muttered.

She slowly turned her body to face him and looked at him in the eyes. “Would it be bad if I said no?” She bit her lip, a nervous habit that she gained ever since Caleb said he was going to the DAA the previous year.

It was like Caleb’s lungs had the air sucked out by a vaccuum as he tried to wrap his head around what she said. From pure instinct, he reached out with his thumb to release her lip from teeth. “That’s not fair, Pipsqueak. If I said that about your crush, you’d get mad at me.” His voice was barely above a whisper. 

She quickly covered her face with both of her hands before standing up, “I was just kidding. I’m gonna go find a snack.” She ran off before Caleb could process anything else.

It was always like this. She would say something that would make him feel like there was a chance that the two shared the same dreams. The dream that there would be a happy ending, together. More than just the closest friends since childhood. Caleb just thought she was also as big of a coward as him. But eventually it would work out. He hoped. 

Was what she said really just a joke? If there was any true meaning behind it, even just a sliver, Caleb was willing to hold on tight to it. He grabbed the bag of apples and the two ciders before walking off to find her again.

After weaving through the crowd of families, he spotted her yellow cardigan. Next to a guy in a white muscle shirt and ripped jeans. Caleb’s fists tightened around the cups he was holding, but he managed to control it to avoid piercing the styrofoam. As he got closer, he could see her laugh at something the guy had said. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ears that were tinged with pink. 

He didn’t seem to be a threat. In fact, he seemed nice. In Caleb’s eyes, though, he was an enemy. He knew it was him. Her deskmate, the one she said she liked. 

“Pipsqueak, did you find anything else?” Caleb acted casual, stepping beside her while holding out her drink for her to take.

She seemed stunned to see him, as if he wasn’t just with her less than five minutes ago. She stammered a bit before grabbing the drink and shaking her head. “O-oh, I ran into my classmate so I got distracted.” 

Caleb’s eyes pierced through hers and he could feel how nervous she was. Was it from what she said or was it from the guy in front of her?

“This is my childhood friend, Caleb. He’s visiting from the DAA!” She regained her composure as if the chance to brag about knowing someone at the aviation academy fueled her confidence. “And this is my deskmate, Eric.” 

Eric.

Caleb wished so deeply that the man he was so worried about would remain nameless.

Eric reached his hand out to Caleb, “It’s nice to meet you, she talks about you all the time.”

Caleb smiled, surprisingly with some sincerity because of what Eric said. He grabbed his hand and was met with a firm handshake. “You too, I hope she doesn’t bother your studies with dumb stories about me.”

Eric shook his head, chuckling. “No bother here. I’m actually interested in what she has to say about you. I’m also planning on attending the DAA. I hope I can rely on you in the future.” His dark purple eyes looked at Caleb, hopefully.

Someone called Eric’s name from afar and everyone turned to find another girl waving at him. 

“Oh, that’s my sister. I have to get going. Have fun! I’ll see you at school next week.” Eric waves at the two before running off.

The two of them watched her crush disappear into the crowd. It was awkward and silent for only a few moments, but it felt like years to the two of them.

Caleb was the first to break the silence. “That’s him, huh?” He couldn’t help the disappointment in his voice, but he hoped she was too flustered to notice. He looked to find her looking down at her shoes.

“It’s not like I’m in love with him,” she muttered. “Doesn’t he seem nice, though?” She finally looked at Caleb, seeking some sort of approval.

He reluctantly nods. There were multiple alarms ringing in his head, but he couldn’t deny that Eric seemed like a decent person. He will never be too sure and he would never deserve her, though. “I just want you to be happy, Pips. I’ll be here for you whether or not anything happens between you two. Just be careful and don’t let your grades slip.” He pats her head, with a slight hesitation at first. 

“...You know, he kind of reminds me of you.” She beamed. “Maybe that’s why I got comfortable quickly. He helps me with my studies and he also wants to be a fighter pilot. How silly.” She starts to walk through the crowd again, shrugging.

Caleb wondered why she’d need someone like him when he was there all along.

Chapter 3

Caleb wasn’t able to sleep the night of the festival. 

He tossed and turned thinking of everything that happened. And it was just one day. He was excited for this weekend, just so he could see her again. Instead of being met with open arms, he received the crushing news of there being someone else she liked. And he was apparently someone like him.

The idea that she looked for Caleb in this new person clawed at him. Why would she have to look for someone else like him instead of giving herself to him. There was no denying it anymore. He knew that deep down, she felt the same way about him. It just killed him that she drew an invisible line that she forbade herself to cross. If it wasn’t Eric, would she look for someone else? How many people would she look for Caleb in before giving up and admitting to her own feelings? 

Caleb got up and sat on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands. He knew he was the only one who could really protect her from what’s out there. Eric would never know what to do for when the inevitable happens. He didn’t see or experience what happened to them as kids. She doesn’t remember it, but it haunts him every day. 

As much as a good person Eric could be, he could never provide what Caleb has and will. He knew that. 

He looked at his wall. Multiple frames of the two of them. The smile she wore calmed his heart. The memories of him being able to hold her kept him sane. The very essence of her made him feel alive.

And at the end of the day, he couldn’t lose her. He was willing to bear the pain of seeing her try to do what she thinks she wants. He knew that if he tried to stop her, he could lose what they had at that moment. He didn’t want to be the reason she’s uncomfortable, upset, or crying. He wanted to be strong for her. And for her, no matter how long, he would wait.

He hoped to whatever deity there is, that he would be strong enough.

Still unable to sleep, Caleb walked down the hallway into the kitchen. Passing by her room, where the door was slightly ajar, he halted. She was sleeping soundly on her bed. The moonlight from the window shining lightly on her features. 

Caleb understood his weakness. And it was her.

Walking inside, he softly sat on the edge of her bed and put his hand atop of hers for a moment before holding it. Unexpectedly, the motion blinked her awake.

“Caleb…?” She mumbled, her hand slipping out of his to rub her eyes.

“Shh, Pips. I didn’t mean to wake you.” He whispered, flustered at his carelessness. “You can go back to sleep.

“Did you have a nightmare?” She softly asked, squinting at him, attempting to blink the sleepiness away. The corner of her mouth lifted slightly. “You’re just like me…come here. I’ll do what you did when we were kids.” She scooted to the side of her bed and opened her arms to him while patting the now-empty side.

Caleb chuckled. Inside, he felt extremely hot and flustered. But this was truly home and he wasn’t able to resist. 

She used to be the one waking him up on a stormy night, and Caleb always welcomed his bed to her. Falling asleep in each other’s arms was no stranger. He was always happy to be able to provide this comfort for her.

He slipped into her arms and she giggled. “It’s been a while…it hasn’t rained in Linkon for a while. But now you’re the one crawling to me.” She turned to her side and let her arm drape over his chest while he moved his own arm for her to use as a pillow. 

“Yeah,” was all Caleb could mutter.

She went back to sleep in an instant. She began lightly snoring and her breath was warm against his bicep.

It was pure bliss and he wished he could take a snapshot of this moment and live in it forever. He would’ve admired the sight the whole night if it wasn’t for the extreme feeling of comfort weighing his eyelids down. And he fell asleep with her around him.

-

“I can’t believe you’re already leaving tonight. You just got here…” A frown was evident through her voice as she rested her forehead on the wall of the hallway.

The two had just woken up early in the morning. It should be just like any other day of them sleeping in the same bed, since they’ve done it for years. But Caleb felt like it was different since his feelings were pushed to the outermost part of his heart out of defense. For her, on the other hand, he assumed she built more bricks on the invisible line to keep her from crossing it and this really was just another day. Awful luck for him.

He reached over to her with both hands on shoulders to turn towards him. “I’ll call you every day, like I always do.” He unstuck the hair on her forehead and wiped a stray tear from her cheek with his thumb. “Should I just drop out?” He smirked at her.

She jutted her bottom lip out to pout harder, somehow possible. She shook her head before leaning in and wrapping her arms around him and burying her face in his chest. Muffled yet audible, “No…I’m just not used to being gone. I don’t know if I ever will be.” Caleb felt wet spots through his thin shirt, where her eyes were. “Gran’s usually out or sleeping early. I don’t wake up to you cooking and no one’s waiting for me outside the school gates.” 

She cried for the same worries when he first left for Skyhaven. Now her worries came true, and Caleb thought that it must’ve been harder for her because of that. He thought that maybe that’s why she was so desperate to find someone else. It was hard to blame her, he never could. But at the same time, he just wanted to be selfish for once.

He grabbed her hands from behind him and unwrapped her from him, so he could talk to her face to face. She looked up at him with already-swollen eyes and the same pout, making his heart ache even more. He held her face with both his hands, gently like he was holding the world. And in his head, he was. “You know I’m always here for you. I’m just one call away. I’ll drop everything for you and I’ll always do my best to visit on weekends. It should be a little easier since I’ve settled in.” He wiped another tear from her face. “Don’t mope too much and spend time with your friends, though. You should enjoy your last year before the Hunter’s Academy.” He gave her a soft smile. “Now go take a shower, you’re all sweaty and crying.” He tried to lighten the mood, pushing her towards the bathroom. “I’ll set up the kitchen to make our pie.”

With that, she finally smiled. She stopped at the doorframe of the bathroom before turning back around to hug him again and muttering a small thanks. And then she was back in the bathroom and he heard the water running. 

A bit taken aback, Caleb was just relieved that she was worried as much as he was. And missed him as much as he missed her. It really solidified the bond they had and it helped reinforce that no one could really break it. Although the worry was still there, he knew he could bear it longer and wait for her.

The kitchen counters were soon covered in flour and mixing bowls and the two of them baked to their heart's content. Another snapshot Caleb wished he could live in forever. Carefree quality time with the love of his life. The flour on both of their faces was caused by each other’s foolery. The smell of the autumn air, warm apples, and baking crust filled their  home. 

“I wish we could just stay like this.” She laughed, sitting on the counter as Caleb checked on their pie in the oven. “I love fall. It feels so worry-free when we do things like this.” Her feet swung as she took in the scent of the scenery. 

“Me too, Pips.” He smiled, closing the oven. Another set of reassurance calmed his worrywart heart. “Once we both graduate and when I’m back in Linkon, we can do this every day.” He turned to her and dabbed more flour on the tip of her nose.

She snorted the flour out before bursting in laughter. 

“That is, of course, if you’re not too busy saving the world as the best Hunter in it.” He smirked at her, gathering all their dishes.

She got back down from the counter to help him clean. “It also depends on you being too busy up in the air saving birds and stuff.” She teased.

“Hm, saving birds will always be fun in the future,” he played along. “But I’ll never be too busy to spend time with you.” He patted her head with his flour covered hand, earning a playful glare from her. 

She then retaliated by ruffling his hair with her own floury hands. “Same here.” She then said, with a genuine smile.

-

Leaving that night was hard for Caleb.

She insisted on going with him to the train station.

“You’ve survived three whole weeks without me, Pip. You’ll be okay.” Caleb pinched her damp cheeks. “You’re crying more than you did when I first left.” He tried to tease her with a smile, but it hurt him to see her so sad.

Her eyes got redder as she rubbed them with the back of her hoodie sleeve. His hoodie actually, but she seemed to have stolen it from his closet while he was gone. It was enormous on her, but she looked comfortable. “I don’t know…I kind of got used to our routine of calling at night and stuff. But since you came back, I just remembered how much I missed how it was when you were here.”

“I’ll really try to come back next weekend. Only if you promise to do all your work and get good grades. You know the Hunter’s Association doesn’t just accept anyone.” He tried to be a good motivator, but if he was being honest, he was willing to turn in his leave of absence letter to his own academy and plan his gap year for her. “Give me a pinky promise.” He held his pinky out like they always did.

She swam her hand out of the long sleeves of her sweater and interlocked it with his, before locking the promise with their thumbs. “I’ll be studious and strong until you come back again.” She mocked bravery and nodded. 

“Atta girl,” Caleb said. “Go back now. Let me watch you leave.” He turned her around and kept her facing the exit. “If you turn back, it’ll make it harder, so don’t.” He pushed her slightly, but surprisingly she didn’t budge.

Instead she turned back around and wrapped her arms around his neck before reaching up to leave a peck on his cheek. All before she turned and ran away.

The spot on his cheek was on fire and so was his chest. His resolve began to crumble on the spot. The strength he once believed he had was slipping away through the cracks of his fingers like sand. 

Chapter 4

He was unable to return that weekend.

Nor the weekend after.

Although he was doing good in all of his classes, teamwork was prioritized in the academy. And that meant weekends dedicated to team assignments and training. As much fun that he had with his classmates and new friends, it couldn’t outweigh the pain of leaving her 

It was unbearable for Caleb. The broken promises lingered in the air whenever they called at night. The look on her face whenever she saw him through the screen, as if she was going to crack at any moment. The first weekend was hard because when he told her that Friday that he couldn’t go home, she hung up immediately and wouldn’t pick up his calls until Sunday. She sent him one-word responses to his texts and kept saying she was busy when he tried to call.

It took a bit for her to be less upset. It was a bittersweet thing to think about in Caleb’s mind. He was, in a way, happy. That his presence meant so much to her. But he did not like how upset he made her feel. 

It was inevitable, though. He knew she expected this and so did he. Aviation academy, although it was his dream, he knew it would take him away from her like this. And even if it wasn’t the academy he was going to, it would be the one she would go to the following year. His main dream of being by her side would be thrown off by his and her dream job. 

As the days went by, she became less upset and even back to normal at one point. She always asked about his day and then she’d go on for a long time about hers. He looked forward to it every night, he hoped that she felt the same way.

The workload of the academy became even more vigorous as the weeks went by. The more they transitioned from paperwork and hypotheticals into field work and practicals, the more time was taken away from him. 

“You look awfully chipper today, Pipsqueak. Anything happened today?” Caleb looked at her through his laptop screen, smiling at her phone. They always did their homework together on video call to make it easy for her to ask him for help. Caleb didn’t know why he didn’t suggest it earlier, but it was better than her asking Eric for help in AND out of class. Although her staring at her phone was unusual. She was normally very attentive to her work, but that night, she was overly invested on her phone rather than her studies. Caleb knew the answer, but he hoped she would prove his hypothesis wrong.

“You remember Eric? We’ve been hanging out more! We even exchanged contacts, he’s pretty funny.” She must have noticed a face on Caleb from the way she cleared her throat before setting her phone down. “But I should get back to work.” She nodded.

He couldn’t control his face, but he tried to avoid scowling at least. “I’m glad you’re happy, Pips. I hope it goes well for you.” He said through gritted teeth, hoping he sounded genuine. “But if I hear that your grades are slipping, I’m making you move schools.” He looked back down at his work. He was actually already done with it, but he just wanted to seem busy so she wouldn’t hang up.

“Can I ask you something?” She said, making his eyes dart back to his screen. He saw her fidgeting with her pen. 

“Of course, Pips.” He was scared. This was one of the lines that was on the anxiety-inducing list, along with ‘we need to talk’ and ‘I will never love you more than just a friend’ but it wasn’t number one. His mind raced through the multiple things she could ask about: his love life, quantum mechanics, why he was so obsessed with her, why he loved her, why he won’t let go of her, kitchen recipes. The list went on in his head.

“How do you know if you REALLY like someone?” She mumbles so quietly, the mic almost didn’t pick it up. “And like how do you know if someone likes you?”

Caleb dropped his pencil and tried to find an answer to give her that didn’t give him away. “Uhh, I’d assume that if you looked forward to seeing them everyday. If you wanted to prioritize their happiness over yours and you’d do anything for them.” He rubbed his chin trying to think of more answers, “Maybe if you smiled every time you thought of them.” 

“It sounds like you have experience…” She muttered, wide-eyed towards him. 

He stammered, “W-well, I’m just assuming. I did say I was assuming, right? I read books. Haven’t you read books? I’ve seen your bookshelf. Shouldn’t you know better than me?” He hoped he sounded convincing. He heard a snicker behind him to find his roommate Gideon laughing. Caleb glared at him and Gideon went back to pretending to be asleep. Thankfully, when he looked back at the screen, she was looking down at whatever and didn’t notice.

“Well, yeah. I think I know. I just wanted to hear from a guy.” She mumbled. It was silent for a moment before she groaned and ruffled her own hair out of frustration. “I don’t even know if he likes me!” She hid her face in her hands.

“Can you see the rest of your life with him?” Caleb blurted out. He couldn’t help it. He knew he would be better for her because he knows he’ll be there for her until the end. He would do anything to make sure of it. He knows she can see him in the future too. 

“Oh my god, Caleb. We just started being friends like two months ago!” She groaned even louder and dropped her down to the desk. All he saw then was the top of her head.

Caleb softly chuckled to himself. He knew his answer after a few moments of knowing her. He knew he wanted to protect her again and again until the end of time. Love at first sight, he thought. “I’m just asking, Pips. You sound so serious about him.” Caleb found it in him to tease her. “Are you gonna do anything about it?” He was confident earlier. After the last question, he got scared again. What if she wasn’t the ‘love at first type’ girl and she instead enjoyed a slow friendship to lovers pipeline. Shouldn’t he still be able to be the latter? But Eric could fit the latter too.

She got up and shook her head before tilting her head and thinking harder. “I don’t think so…maybe talk to him more and even hang out? We had lunch together…but in the cafeteria so it’s not that crazy.” She turned to the camera, her eyes boring into his through the screen. “What would make you like a girl?”

He pretended to think. In his head he knew the answer: likes his cooking, is afraid of thunder, dreams of being a Hunter, loves apples and apple designs, sucks at physics, sleeps in until noon, loves horror movies but can’t sleep after…the list went a long way but the answer was simple. Be her. “She’d have to be someone I can be myself with and be comfortable with.” He was proud of his vague answer. It was still about her. Home.

“You’re so basic, you’re no help.” She snorted before starting her work again. “I’ll just let the tides take us to where we have to be then. If it’s meant to be, then so be it.” She giggled. 

With this, Caleb silently prayed to the tides she spoke of. In his head he prayed that they would take them to a point where they are the true ending. That the stars point to him as her one true love.

They hung up soon after. She was tired from her homework and they both had class the next day. When Caleb shut his laptop shut, his roommate Gideon propped himself up on his elbow. “You’re incredibly obvious. How does she not see it?” His eyes followed Caleb’s as he sat down on his own bed. 

“I thought you went to sleep.” Caleb rolled his eyes, slipping under his sheets after turning off the desk lamp.

“You kept bouncing your leg, I couldn’t sleep. And anyways, that call was the most interesting one yet. I was sure you were going to confess tonight.” Gideon laughed. He layed back down and looked up at the ceiling. “I was confused why you turned down every single girl in our class the first week. Once we settled in here, I realized you’re madly in love.”

“Yep…” Caleb sighed. There’s always a stack of love letters by his door and presents at times. He didn’t know how they had the time to do so, considering the academy’s heavy workload. It was the same during high school. At least then, someone was able to reap the rewards of his attractiveness. She would always eat the snacks given to him. Now it was Gideon, but he couldn’t keep up with it either. “How come everyone else but her sees it?”

“Judging from how I see it, I don’t think she really cares for how hot someone is? And didn’t you two grow up with each other? Maybe she’s looking for someone new…? Not to ruin your life or anything…” He suggested, trying not to push his buttons. Gideon knows how angry Caleb could get.

Someone once complimented a photo of her on his phone and said some depraved words along with it. If Gideon didn’t clock the fire behind Caleb’s eyes, the crude guy would’ve lost an arm.

“New…” Caleb mulled over the idea before shaking his head. “You know the guy she has a crush on…she said he reminds her of me.” It was his turn to prop himself up to face Gideon across the room. “And in a way, he reminded me of me too.” Tall, brown haired, pilot centric. The similarities were incredulous. 

“Dude.” Gideon sat up. “She’s looking for your replacement. Maybe she thinks that after being away for so long, you’ll find someone else. And she’s trying to beat you to it.” 

Caleb flipped over on his bed to groan into his pillow. He doesn’t think Gideon’s completely right, but he could tell that she was worried about him getting a girlfriend. She said it herself. But the replacement part sounds correct. She can’t bring herself to love him, and she’s looking for other people like him. He didn’t know why he opened up to Gideon. Reassurance, he thought. Yet all he received was reassurance for the wrong parts. He wanted to hear, ‘She DOES like you!’ not ‘She’s REPLACING you!’ 

-

The weekend he could go home finally arrived. A month after he promised he would. To make up for it, Caleb wanted to surprise her. His professor was out sick that Friday and he was able to leave early on Thursday. He wanted to wait for her at the school gate, like how he did before. 

He propped himself against the stone fence, looking up at the trees that still had some of their red and orange leaves. He looked around the area and was reminded of when they were at school together. Even though it was only earlier in the year, it felt like ages ago. 

She usually took forever packing up since she loved to chat with her friends after class. He would stand at the same spot waiting for her. Back then, he would sometimes hide to avoid his own classmates. Mainly the girls in his class. Her classmates weren’t as bold as his. They would look at him and whisper to their friends, but besides that, he had nothing to worry about. 

That present day was no different. As people poured out of the property, he had some stares here and there, but no one bothered him. He raked through the crowds looking for her.

The ring of her laughter reached his ears and filled him with even more warmth that the sun could never give him. He saw her walk down the steps, and even though she was walking beside Eric, all he could think of was how glad he was to see her again. 

The sun shone at her perfectly. Her eyes sparkled as she smiled in the daytime. He felt like he was falling in love again, but it was hard to know that he couldn’t just run up to her and kiss her in front of everyone. To let everyone know that she was his. Because she wasn’t.

He wanted to hold her face in between his hands and stare at her for hours on end in the sunlight. And memorize every curves on her face and the colors in her eyes. He wanted to be the reason she laughed and smiled.

As she got closer, she saw him.

Caleb stood confidently and in awe at the same time. He missed her.

And by the looks of it, so did she. The moment they locked eyes, hers began to look shinier with tears. She started running towards him without a notice to her friends or even Eric.

“Hey Pipsqu-” Caleb said with a big smile on his face before she interrupted him by throwing herself around him.

“You’re such an asshole,” she muttered into his neck as she hugged him.

His arms wrapped around her waist to support her up and he smiled into her hair, “I know, I’m sorry…I’ll take whatever punishment you have for me.” His heart felt full, having her this close to him.

Time stopped for him. It was like everyone else disappeared when he saw her. The sun shone brighter and the air became cooler and breezier. He was truly home.

She stepped down and looked up at him, still teary-eyed. He wiped her tears with his thumb and chuckled at her. “Miss me much?” He teased her.

She nodded, pouting. “I got good grades just for you to not even show up in person to congratulate me.” She lightly punched his arm. A perplexed face covered her sad one. She reached out again to squeeze his arm. “When did this happen…?”

He rolled his eyes, hoping his face didn’t look as warm as it felt. “I’ve always been rock solid.”

She shook her head, punching his bicep even more. “Stop flexing.”

He wondered if he even was flexing but he wasn’t. Did the academy have him working that much? Caleb went to the gym everyday like he always did. Yet, the academy did add a few more routines that he didn’t do before. “I’m not…”

“What? What are they feeding you over there?” She was engulfed in his new muscles. She started poking other places like his shoulders and even his abdomen. She was shocked, it seemed like. And he felt embarrassed by how much she was touching him.

He grabbed both her wrists and held her hands in his. “Hey, I just got back and you’re already giving me a physical examination?” 

She shrugged, “I have to make sure you’re real. But speaking of that punishment for leaving your dear friend alone for so long…” She looked towards her group of friends, the one with Eric in who waved at him. They were waiting on the other end of the gate for her. “You’re gonna have to eat dinner alone, to suffer like I suffered.” She nodded, proud of coming up with the wording of her penalty. 

His heart dropped and he pouted at her. “Really?”

She covered his eyes, “Don’t look at me with those! This is your fault for dropping by unannounced. My friends want to eat at the new BBQ place that just opened up. I’d say come with us, but they were really strict about the number since they’ve been packed the whole time.”

He was extremely sad to say the least. “Go home and make me a dessert. Make sure to pour your whole apologetic heart into it. Maybe I’ll forgive you then. Also, Gram won’t be home. It’s mahjong night.” She dropped her hands from his eyes, before covering her own after seeing it again. “Ugh, your puppy dog eyes are insane, Caleb. No wonder you always got your way. Not this time! I’ll see you at home.” She ran off the other direction before hustling her friends to get walking.

He was left alone by the gate. Watching her walk off with her friends and the guy she likes.

But at least he had a few minutes of pure bliss. And he hoped to make it up to her when she got  home. He quickly gathered himself and went shopping for his heartfelt apology.

-

Grandma got home before she did. Caleb and her had a small chat about how the academy was treating him. And she let him in on how much she complained about him not being home, which made Caleb chuckle at the thought of seeing her annoy grandma about him. She had to go to sleep soon after since she had an extreme night of mahjong, according to her.

Caleb was in the kitchen finishing her cinnamon rolls. He was indecisive with what to bake her but there was a lot of cinnamon stocked up for the fall vibes. He kept glancing at his phone, to see if she messaged him back. She must have been too enthralled with her conversations to look at her own phone.

He tried to focus on the fact that she was having fun with ALL of her friends, and not at the idea that maybe she was sitting next to him at the restaurant. Where was Eric sitting really? Next to her? In front of her? 

It was eating at him, but he didn’t want to spend his break time with her worrying about anything. He just wanted to enjoy his time with her.

He didn’t put his work into the oven yet because he wanted her to enjoy it fresh. He waited for her to text him back so he could pop them in. Yet, an hour passed by and then another with no answer.

He wanted to wait for her longer, but it was worrying him too much. Instead, he searched for any new restaurants that opened up on his phone to find out where she went. He found one that matched what she said and he instantly threw on his jacket. 

Caleb walked to the door and opened it to find her and Eric. And it looked like they were both leaning into each to kiss before being interrupted by the living room light and him.

Chapter 5

“I should go inside now, bye Eric.” She said, flustered. She glances between Caleb and Eric.

Eric looked like he was a deer in the headlights, wide-eyed and embarrassed. “Yeah, okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He gave an awkward wave and acknowledged Caleb at the door.

Caleb who was red in the face. Eyes were darkened and his fists were clenched. His grip on the doorknob was deadly, and it was most likely molded by his fingers. 

As Eric walked off quickly, Caleb finally closed the door. He didn’t slam it, but there was force to it. As if he really wanted to.

The mantra Caleb held onto was falling apart. The strength he thought he had emptied to the floor all in one go, rather than leaking out of him. What he thought was just a stupid crush was evolving right in front of him. Every day that he wasn’t with her, he was losing her to another. If he stayed with her, would he be the one to inch closer to her? Would she be so desperate to find warmth in someone else’s arms?

He stared at the door, stuck in his thoughts. Until her voice cut through the silence. “I’m going to take a shower…I smell like smoke from the restaurant.” She muttered. He could hear the awkwardness and panic.

Caleb couldn’t get a word out and let her walk off. 

It wasn’t just a stupid crush. She liked him, and it was a no-brainer to him that he would return her feelings. He wanted to be grateful that he stopped them, but who or what was going to stop them next time? Was he going to drag her to Skyhaven with him just to keep her away from Eric? The dorms at the DAA didn’t allow visitors to stay overnight during weekdays. 

Multiple options popped up in his head at record speed, all of which were futile. There was no stopping her from doing what she wanted to without ruining their own relationship. The only option was to hold himself back and endure this newfound relationship of hers day after day. He didn’t want to pray for the downfall of her relationship either, because that meant seeing her cry. But at the same time, he would rather let another guy make her cry. At least then, it would let Caleb be the shoulder to cry on.

He was disgusted by himself. The desperation became so evident. He wanted to be with her, wholeheartedly. And since he can’t have her, his deepest desire was that no one else can have her. He knew it was wrong.

So instead of acting on anything, he put his cinnamon rolls into the oven.

Instead of going out to kill the guy or blow up his house so they’d have to move…he decided to bake. Caleb knew the only reasonable route was to follow her route: let the tides take them to wherever. He’ll secretly pray it won’t work out. Every time she comes to him about something he did, he’ll push her to end things with him and focus on herself. He knew it was still a bad plan and wouldn’t be considered socially acceptable, but it was better than murder.

He looked at his reflection through the oven door. He looked crazy. A scowl looked like it’s lived on it for decades and his eyebrows were practically knitted together. He mirrored his inner emotions. Disgusted and upset. Disgusted by his lack of control and his lack of support for the one he loved. He rubbed his face in his hands, attempting to smooth everything out. 

The DAA made them do breathing exercises in order to avoid panic when problems arise during flight. He thought he would never have to use them since he was practically fearless in the air. Instead, he’s used it to calm himself down from the multiple potentials of losing his world.

“Caleb?” He heard her behind him.

He didn’t know where he pulled the strength from, but in a flash, he was able to put on a normal face around her. A soft smile was always easier once he saw her face. Despite everything, his heart still beat for her. No matter how broken it might have been at that moment.

She was in her pajamas, her hair dripping on her shoulders, dampening the fabric. She extended a towel towards him, “Can you dry my hair like old times…?” She bit her lip, looking at the floor.

He took a few steps towards her, perplexed. “What’s wrong?” He brushed his thumb on her lip like usual to free it from her teeth. “If it’s because I ruined your moment…”

She looked up at him, panicked, “N-no! I just…I want you to dry my hair.” She shoved the towel into his hands before storming off to the floor of the living room of the couch and turning the TV on. 

Caleb wished he could read minds. He was completely lost as to why she’s acting like this. The last time she asked him to dry her hair was when she didn’t receive any Valentine’s in her freshman year. He never told her, but he was to blame for that. He was in charge of the Valentine gram table that year (he volunteered) and he kept all the ones meant for her. He then returned it to the senders and basically threatened them to stay away from her. 

The smell of baking cinnamon was permeating the air, he hoped it would calm down the tension. He’s glad it’s the dessert he chose. He learned from his mental health class that cinnamon was often used to lift spirits and improve moods. Yet he wondered if the mood was too heavy.

He walked over to the couch and sat behind her. She was looking for something to watch and paid no attention to him. He began drying her hair, moving from instinct. He covered the ends of her hair to scrunch out the water before moving towards her scalp. She leaned into his touch before letting out a sigh and it made his stomach coil. What was once such an innocent act became so intimate for him. And he wondered if this change was only for him.

She handed him one of her scalp oils to massage onto her. “My head hurts…can you put this on for me?”She finally settled on an old show that she’s seen multiple times.

Caleb didn’t really know much about her current hair care, but he just followed her instructions. He got pretty good at massaging whatever was needed between her and grandma. It’s just been a while since either of them have asked them to. As he mindlessly massaged her scalp, he tried to ignore the sighs of relief coming out of her and the small shivers. 

It was quiet, minus the TV. Neither of them said a word. The timer from the oven then went off and he wiped his hands on her towel before getting up. He took his creation out of the oven before setting it on the countertop to add the finishing icings and letting it cool. “Just wait a few minutes before you can grab one, Pip.” He said. 

Caleb then went back onto the couch at the same spot. She didn’t move and he didn’t want to make her. He started braiding her hair like before, trying different types that she made him learn before. Raking his fingers through her hair to start over before trying another one. The tension was too heavy, the air was awkward yet cinnamon scented. He wanted her all for himself and it was killing him.

“I’m kind of glad you found us…” She finally said, dropping her forehead to touch her knees. Her hair falling out of Caleb’s hands.

“Huh…” was all Caleb could say. “What do you mean, Pip?”

“I don’t know, I don’t think I wanted him to kiss me.” She sounded muffled, but the desperation to understand made Caleb hear her crystal clear. “I didn’t feel anything when we were close to each other.”

“I thought you liked him.” He said, unsure. He wasn’t trying to talk her out of how she felt, he just wanted to understand. Was he overreacting this whole time? Was he planning murder for nothing?

She suddenly stood up and faced him, looking down at him. “Can you just…sit there? Don’t move. Don’t say anything. Please.” She softly pleaded with him.

Caleb was frozen but he mustered a small nod. 

She knelt down with one knee on the couch in-between his legs. And slowly leaned towards him, making full eye contact with him as she did so. Her breathing was uneasy and the warmth from face was radiating onto him.

Caleb couldn’t tell whose heartbeat he could hear. Both of theirs were so in-sync, it sounded deafening in the heavy air. His hands twitched at his sides. He didn’t have an idea of what she was doing. But he wanted to be greedy and close the distance himself. Yet, he stayed still for her.

She moved even closer to his face, the breaths mingling with each other. Her eyes moved from his to his lips, interchaging. Her breath hitched at the sight. His eyes bored into hers with desperation. And hers mimicked his. Before inching closer, she covered his mouth with her hand while the other clutched at her chest above her heart. She cursed under her breath before pulling away.

“I’m going to bed.” She quickly said before turning the TV off and quickly walking to her bedroom.

He heard her shut the door and it jarred him back to thought. His heart was hammering out of his chest.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, staring into space. Replaying the scene in his head over and over again. 

The cinnamon rolls forgotten on the countertop.

Chapter 6

It rained that night, funnily enough for the two of them. The weather forecast had no prediction of any rainfall for the whole week, and the skies showed no signs of it either. It was as if that night wanted to mirror the emotions happening in the household between them.

Caleb was completely in the dark as to why she did what she did. There were multiple answers, but after being wrong so many times, he didn’t want to bring his hopes up or down. His head played back the scene over and over again that night. It felt like she mirrored the same desperation he had, for once. Like she wanted to go further. 

He laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Occasionally his hands rubbed his face out of frustration. Caleb didn’t know how to move forward acting like she didn’t do what she did. They care about each other, but wasn’t she pushing him too far?  There was only so much he could take. Physically, he could take a bullet, a grenade, an entire thing to protect her. But emotionally, she was his biggest weakness. 

His thoughts were so loud, he didn’t notice the thunder that started rolling in the skies. The only thing that cut through his thoughts like usual was her voice. 

At first, Caleb thought he was hallucinating her. 

“Caleb…” Her voice calls out, muffled by the door. “Please…”

He rushed towards the door and when he opened it, she ran past him into his bed, under his navy blue covers.

Caleb realized it was because of the thunder. Except she was never this scared before. She normally came over with her headphones and laid next to him for extra comfort. This time, she was rattled and hiding. 

He was about to get in bed when he remembered he developed a habit of sleeping shirtless. The weather in Skyhaven was more humid than Linkon, and it was just more comfortable for him to sleep without a shirt. He would also have nightmares when he missed home, and almost always woke up in a sweat. He quickly grabbed one from his closet to slip it on before laying next to her, atop of his covers.

His hand reached out to soothe her by patting her back, but everything was still fresh to his mind and his hand hesitated. He even kept his distance from her on the bed, afraid of scaring her away. As if she was a stray cat on the street, he waited for her to approach him before making a move.

Another loud boom in the sky and she let out a soft shriek before scooting closer to him, shaking.

His arm instinctively wrapped around her, protectively. “Hey…it’s okay. I’m here, Pipsqueak…” He said, resting his chin on the top of her head before pulling her closer to him. He softly chuckled, feeling her nuzzling deeper into his chest through the blanket. “I thought you said you weren’t afraid of thunder anymore. What else are you hiding from me…?” He meant to sound playful, but he meant it and he wanted to know. He needed to know what was in her brain.

She didn’t respond for a while. Her shivering soothed down the longer he rubbed circles on her back and shoulder, the longer she was in his arms. The thunder continued to rumble, mercilessly. “When I’m alone, it’s easier to deal with.” She said, pulling the cover down a little from her face to make sure her words were heard. Her warm breath hit his neck and he hoped she didn’t notice his shiver. “I don’t know why, but…when you’re here, I feel so vulnerable. Like I need you all of a sudden. As if I was just faking it while you were gone.” She covered her face again.

She NEEDED him. Caleb thought it was one of the most beautiful things she could ever say to him. He always wanted to be someone that she could rely on. He needed her to need him. That was his main purpose on this planet, he believed. As long as she needed him, he could keep going. The reason why her finding someone else scared him so much was because she wouldn’t need him anymore if she had someone else. Caleb found himself holding her even tighter, nuzzling his cheek on top of her covered head. 

“Is that so bad…” He desperately wondered out loud. “What’s wrong with needing me?”

“Because you’re going your own path, Caleb. I can’t keep you locked up in this house, can I?” She said into his chest, probably hoping that he couldn’t hear her. 

He did, though. And something about her saying that made his heart swell. He felt like he wasn’t alone with how he thought anymore. That although he had the craziest thoughts about her, he didn’t have to feel as guilty as having them because she thought them too. She just didn’t have as much trust in him. She’s deluded with the idea that something will come in-between them, when everything he does is for her. But at the same time, he believed the same thing. And even a whole part of him still believes that something CAN still take her away from him.

“You can be as greedy as you want to be,” was all Caleb could say. He waited for a response and felt her breathing at a rhythmic pace, asleep. He let out a sigh. Wishing he could keep talking to her, but at the same time was glad nonetheless. Happy that she was in his arms again. The light at the end of the tunnel flickering again, giving him hope. And soon, he fell asleep with her.

-

Caleb stirred awake from the vibration of his phone on the nightstand. His arms still wrapped around her. The alarm signified that she had to wake up for school. He kept the alarm on, even when he was at Skyhaven so he knew when to text her to have a good day. He found the curve of her shoulder before trying to softly shake her awake. “You have to get ready for class, Pipsqueak.” He quietly said.

Her face was out from under the sheets whilst the rest of her was wrapped up like a burrito. 

Caleb couldn’t help but stare at her, slightly pulling away so he could get a better view. The sunrise casted a soft glow on her face if he moved at the right angle. And he was able to admire her even better. Her pink lips, slightly chapped from sleep. A drool stain on the corner of her mouth, and her dark circles were evident from a rough time sleeping. The word ‘beautiful’ echoed in his brain, over and over again. 

The warmth and brightness of the sun was finally able to wake her up slowly. “Can I skip today…?” She mumbled, turning over, burying her face in the pillow.

He wanted to say no to her. It was always so hard for him to do so. Caleb knew that making her go to school would be the responsible thing. “Grandma wouldn’t allow that.” He said, avoiding blame.

“I’m 18 now, they don’t call guardians about absences when you’re 18.” She responded, matter-of-factly, lifting her head from the pillow so she was clear. “Besides, she’s going to the mountains today to visit her friend for the weekend.”

Caleb thought for a moment. A plan brewed in his head to get answers, a selfish plan. He wanted her to admit whatever she was doing the night before. He couldn’t get it out of her during the storm, but he felt confident this could have been the moment. But he wanted her to be more clear headed. “Wash up while I think about it. I’m going to make breakfast.” He poked her side, knowing she’d be ticklish, to wake her up.

She yelped and grumbled before unraveling herself from his sheets. “Fine.”

He noticed that she wouldn’t look at him. She avoided every means of eye contact, and he was doing the exact opposite. She was talking like normal, but he could see right through her. The tension from the previous night lingered. And whether it was regret or something else from what she did, it stuck with her.

Caleb felt lighter. She didn’t like Eric. She felt something for Caleb, but he couldn’t understand why she kept building a wall between them. He couldn’t fathom how oblivious she was that he was doing everything to mine his way past the wall. He wanted to bulldoze it, but he waited for her to make an opening first.

Her words of her needing him rung in his head, bringing a small smile to his face. He propped himself with one hand, and the other hand covered his mouth. Hiding the growing smile from no one, but he was just in shock. “I need you.” It replayed in his head a dozen times and he felt giddy. If a doctor could see everything playing in his brain, he would have been institutionalized. His heart swelled with her words. He needed to be needed by her. She was his life source and he wanted to be her pillar. If she moved on and found someone else to rely on, he’d crumble. And as strong as she may be, he didn’t doubt her skills or her smarts, he still wanted to be stronger and smarter so she could lean on him regardless. As wrong as it may have been, he wanted to be better because if he wasn’t, she wouldn’t need him.

After celebrating and battling his inner thoughts for a few more minutes, he got up to head to the kitchen to prepare breakfast. 

It was a few minutes before she came out of the bathroom and plopped herself on a chair by the dining table. She was glued to her phone, eyebrows knitted, biting her lip.

He walked over with a plate of food for her. “What did I say about doing that?” He reached over to her to unlatch her lip, but she ever so slightly moved away from him. A miniscule but noticeable movement that made Caleb’s hand hover near her face before reeling it back.

“Sorry, I’m just kind of…” She dropped her phone on the table before grabbing a fork to eat. After taking a bite, she talked with her mouth full, “Can I please skip school, I don’t want to sit next to Eric today.”

Caleb gave in in an instant. Abandoning his plans of getting more answers from her. If staying home kept her away from the guy that tried kissing her the last night, he was agreeing to it. He sat across from her and gave her a reluctant yes. If wasn’t as attentive as he was, he would have missed the small twitch of her mouth, the corner turning upward for a split second.

They sat in silence, eating. Slightly uncomfortable as the tension lingered, but at the same time, slightly comfortable from being with each other at home. 

The two of them finished eating quietly. He was still unused to the way she volunteered herself to clean up the table afterwards. After years of unfulfilled promises of doing the dishes the following night, she began doing it without even being asked. It was bittersweet but more bitter on Caleb’s tongue. He was gone for so long, she began being independent in certain aspects.

“Are we going to talk about last night?” Caleb finally mustered up the courage to ask from the table while her back was turned towards him. The sound of scrubbing plates halted.

“Do we have to?” She said, setting the plate down onto the sink. “Can’t you just let it happen?”

He hated hearing the pain in her voice, but he didn’t want to just ignore everything. “That’s not fair.” He stood up and strided towards her. Grabbing her arm and turning her to face him, her gaze stuck on the floor. “What were you testing…? Why won’t you tell me? Why won’t you let me in?” He knew his eyes were pouring desperation and longed to meet hers. His hand moved to her chin to tilt her head upwards to meet gazes. “Please?”

“It’ll change everything, Caleb. I can’t do it.” She pleaded with him. 

“Change can be good, if you can just tell me. We can make whatever it is work.” His other hand let go of hers to wrap her face with his hands. “Won’t you trust me?”

They stood in the kitchen looking into each other’s eyes for what felt like an eternity. Both eyes mirrored the same desperation and pleading and uncertainty. She was the first to break it. She grabbed both of his hands to bring them down. “I’m not ready…can you just…can you wait for me?” Her eyes fell back to the floor, her hands fiddling with his trembling fingers.

Caleb thought that if there was a contest on who was more desperate, he was sure he’d win. But at this moment, she won by a mile. He pursed his lips and managed an understanding smile, not quite reaching his eyes but she wasn’t looking at him regardless. “I’ll always wait for you, Pipsqueak. I just hate feeling like I can’t help you.” He brought his hand back up to pat her head. “I hate seeing you like this and being unable to do anything.”

They could’ve stayed there for a bit longer until Caleb’s phone rang through the silence.

“Hello?” He answered without checking the Caller ID.

“Caleb, I know you’re in Linkon, but our project…the one due Monday. One of the parts fell apart during testing today. We need you back, as soon as possible.” It was Gideon, probably sounding the most desperate from the three. “I’d handle this myself, but to be honest, I don’t know how to. And you know how much we need this.” 

Caleb pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why can’t we do it tomorrow?”

“We only have the testing site reserved for today. I tried moving it to Sunday…knowing where you are, but it’s fully booked with everyone else. Not a single room is open this weekend. I’ll pay for your cab here, just get here soon. Please, I’m not taking any other answer. Let me know what time to send the cab there.” And with that, Gideon hung up.

Caleb let out a curse under his breath, covering his face with his hands to hide his frustration.

“Y-you have to leave?” She said, her voice breaking. 

His hands fell from his face to see her tearing up. He wondered if his heart shattering at the sight was audible. “Yeah…I’m sorry, Pipsqueak. Really I-” He tried defending himself but she pushed past him and ran to her room, slamming the door.

He texted Gideon a string of curses before giving a ready time of an hour. Caleb finished the dishes and left multiple notes on the fridge: a how-to-reheat-cinnamon-rolls, an apology note with a drawing of an apple on an airplane, and an ‘IOU amusement park trip’ coupon. He then grabbed his wallet from his room to pull out one of the many ‘forgiveness’ coupons she gave him when they were kids and slipped it under her door before taking a shower.

Once he was clean and packed up, he stopped by her door and knocked on it. “Can you at least see me out, Pipsqueak? I don’t want to leave like this.” He begged. Caleb waited for a few minutes before accepting defeat and walking away. He combed through his hair with his fingers, fully frustrated at the events that rolled out after wanting to spend as much time with her as he could. 

As he walked through the front yard to head to the cab, he heard the door open behind him and saw her running up to him, crying. She wrapped her arms around his waist, making him stumble backward. Her cheek was pressed up against his chest, surely hearing his pounding heart. “I’m sorry for being such a coward, Caleb.”

He never understood how his confident voice seemed to get lost every time she was involved as she was. All he could do was stare at the top of her head and press his hand on her back. 

They stayed like that for a minute before the cab honked their horn, and let go of him just as quickly, running back inside while wiping her tears with her arms.

A soft smile played on his lips as the realization of being closer to his dreams settled in his heart.

Chapter 7

“Why were you so hostile over the phone, did something happen?” Gideon pried while Caleb was tinkering angrily at the piece of metal that ruined his weekend. “You know it’s only Friday, you can still go back…if you finish that part.” Gideon looked over to Caleb ignoring him. “Or invite her here. I can stay with our pal, Patrick, and she can take my bed.” 

“Really?” Caleb decidedly stopped ignoring him and looked towards Gideon. “Should I?”

Gideon’s hand tightened around the wrench he was holding, seemingly holding back from throwing it at him. “If you had a tail, it’d be wagging like a helicopter blade right now,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, really. Don’t even think about texting her yet until we finish here.”

Caleb could barely keep in his excitement as he worked on fixing his ticket to a better weekend. His leg happily bouncing on the work stool he sat on, he even found himself humming to a song.

“Now will you tell me what happened that warranted for me to learn three new curse words?” Gideon prodded. 

“You’re so nosy.” Caleb snorted. “She said she didn’t like the guy anymore…kind of. In a way, she basically said she didn’t like him.” He kept the story short because he didn’t want to get too excited. And he didn’t want to overshare in fear of it turning out to be wrong or bringing his hopes too high. He was still in a headrush from the line “I need you.” And he wasn’t sure if he’d ever recover. 

Gideon gave him an impressed look but didn’t ask for more. A reason why Caleb liked Gideon was because he was an observant guy. Nosy was a better word, but he would also know the right time and place to be nosy.

They continued to work silently and efficiently. Three hours passed by before their project was back to working.

-

Caleb practically flew out of the testing sites to grab his phone to call her. After three rings, she picked up.

“Caleb?” She answered, confused. 

The confidence drained out of Caleb. He was just with her that morning and they even slept in the same bed the previous night, but when he heard her voice again, he felt like a middle school boy talking to his crush for the first time. “H-hey.” 

“Hi…” She replied, with the same shyness and a hint of confusion. “Did you…need something?”

“Do you want to come visit me? Here in Skyhaven?” He asked, full of hope. The last time she was at Skyhaven was for the tours before school started, and that was with Grandma. 

“Next weekend? I don’t think I can.” She replied, a little sad.

“No, right now…I can talk to Grandma and then send you a cab.” He excitedly said. “Bring some clothes, my roommate will sleep at a friend’s so you can sleep over in my dorm.”

“Just us two?” She asked, her question lined with disbelief.

“We’ve shared a bedroom before, Pipsqueak. Why are you so surprised?” Caleb cocked his head to the side with confusion, until the realization settled in. “Oh, I guess it’s kind of different…” Since they were usually in the home they shared with Grandma, and this time they would be truthfully alone. An awkward situation for a pair that had obvious feelings for each other. “If you want, I can also sleep in a different room, and you can have the dorm to yourself. I just want to spend time with you.” Caleb recovered, hoping she wouldn’t decline. 

“I don’t want you to go somewhere else…I was just flustered a little. Don’t worry about it. I’d love to come.” She said after a few seconds. “I’ll let Gran know, too. I’m gonna get ready then. See you soon, Caleb.” 

“See you, Pipsqueak.” He could barely squeeze out. Something about the way she said his name left him speechless. She rarely used his name if it wasn’t to greet him or to call him. The excitement filled him to the brim and he ran back to his dorm to clean.

He wasn’t a messy person, but Gideon wasn’t a super neat person. And he wasn’t going to let her sleep on some other guy’s sheets, even if it was just Gideon’s.

“Do I get to meet her?” Gideon asked while Caleb was wiping every surface and vacuuming every inch of the floor. 

“If you throw your sheets in the wash, I’ll think about it.” Caleb responded.

“Did you tell her that you told everyone you have a girlfriend back home that’s basically just her?” Gideon reminded him.

Caleb stopped in his tracks.  Another wave of realization. When he first got to the DAA, he was bombarded by affection from many of his classmates. Although he was used to this attention from high school, it was a lot harder to work with at the academy. He was a lot busier and they were a lot more persistent. Rejecting them was getting more tedious for him since many of them asked for an explanation. When he first went back home to visit, he snagged one of her many hairties from her desk, the frilliest one, and wore it around campus. He read from a college forum that many boyfriends used this method to deter other people from flirting with him. Unfortunately for Caleb, word got around that he came back to the academy with a new status. Many of them asked about his girlfriend and he found it a lot easier to talk about the girl back home than rejecting girls left and right. He ended up going along with the story of having a girlfriend in Linkon and it significantly kept him unbothered.

Caleb cursed under his breath. “Surely no one will…”

“They will.” Gideon finished his thought. “Not everyone goes home for the weekend, why do you think I’m here? Someone will definitely stop you and ask about her.” He compiled his sheets and began walking out of the room. “I’ll be back to grab my stuff…Don’t explode trying to think of a solution.”

Caleb sat on a chair trying to figure out what to do. There was no way she wouldn’t be weirded out by him for doing this, but at the same time, she could be a very understanding person. Whichever her reaction would be, the only choice he really had was to come clean.  He internally cursed at himself. The entire time he pretended she was his girlfriend to everyone at the academy didn’t feel like a lie to him. Mainly because he WAS rejecting everyone for her. The title was the only lie. 

His phone buzzed on the table to find a message from her: “be there in 10 mins…i think. can u pick me up from the entrance?”

He was filled with multiple emotions. Excitement of spending the weekend with her, like planned. Anxiety and guilt with having to tell her what he’s been doing. And extreme anxiety and longing from being completely in love with her.

He took a moment to recuperate his thoughts before finishing his cleaning. He even changed the sheets on Gideon’s bed and set his bag by the door for easy access. After a few more finishing touches to the place, he grabbed his keys and headed out.

He jogged to the front of the academy, excited. Somehow the trees in Skyhaven became greener despite it being autumn, nearing winter. The air became less humid, and the atmosphere seemed brighter to him. His anxious feeling lingered, but the previous disappointment of leaving her was forgotten and the giddiness of spending the weekend together took over.

As he got closer to the gates, he saw the cab stop and her step out. She was dressed in a long flowy beige skirt with an olive green oversized cardigan. Her long hair spilled over her shoulder as she got out of the car, and the sun hit her perfectly. Caleb thought that even if she was in her pajamas, his mouth would still salivate at the sight. Something about her being on the same ground that he’s been trapped in for the past few weeks and the next few years made him feel elated. He was also in a pit of sorrow a couple of hours ago on the cab back to the academy. The image of her crying when she realized he had to leave was etched into his brain and it clawed him from the inside out. But at that moment, it was so easily erased with the new face he saw of her making eye contact with him at the gates of the school.

“Caleb!” She waved at him with a wide grin. She shut the car door and walked towards his direction. 

He slowed down his speed as he got closer and scooped her up into his arms when they made contact. A bubbly laugh left her and tickled his ear and he spun her. He held her for a few seconds before dropping her back to her feet. He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear before holding her face lovingly. “Hey.”

Her face was slow;y turning a pink hue. “Hi…you’re acting like we weren’t just together in the morning.” She attempted to pry his hands away from her face.

He pulled her into another hug, “I know. I just thought I wasn’t going to see you again for another month, let me enjoy this.” He rested his chin on her head and felt her arms wrap around his waist. “I was also hoping that me being this affectionate will help lessen the anger that might come from what I am about to tell you in a few seconds.”

She stiffened under his arms. She tried to push him off, but he kept her pressed against his chest. His heart racing from the contact and from freaking out about his confession. 

“Remember the hairtie you lost.” He started. He peeled her off his chest and looked at her confused face before walking her to a bench under a tree and sitting her down. He then knelt in front of her before continuing his story. “I stole it to wear around campus so people would think I had a girlfriend and they would stop bothering me.” He fled through his words hoping she wouldn’t focus on details. “Except they were more curious than I thought and kept asking about my ‘girlfriend’ so I just pretended it was…” He looked down at the floor as he finished. “You.” 

“Huh? Me? And you stole my scrunchie?” She held her chin with her hand, contemplating the details.

Caleb pulled his DAA jacket sleeve up to reveal the hair tie on his wrist. “I heard it keeps girls away from you…” He sheepishly explained.

She gave him a grumpy face, which was then replaced with a puzzled look. “Why me…? Couldn’t you just have a fake girl in mind.”

He shrugged. He could have just outright said how deeply in love he was with her and he was just manifesting the situation that she would be his girlfriend. Or maybe that he was taking notes from all the dramas she watched back then where they would fake-date and then end up actually dating in the end. There were multiple things he thought he could have said. “You were the only girl I could think of. And you were all I could really talk about…” He ended up saying.

Her breath hitched slightly and her face turned red before looking away from him. “You’re saying weird things…” She chewed on her lip.

Caleb got up and grabbed her face again, his thumb tapping on her lip like usual. “Are you mad?”

She took a second to think, her cheeks warm on Caleb’s hands. She grabbed his wrists and pulled them down and held it in front of her before shaking her head. “I don’t think so…A little about my scrunchie,” She looked at him and softly smiled at him, “I don’t really mind your plan.”

Her smile made him want to lift her up in the air and give her a big confessional greedy kiss. He held himself back instead and returned the smile. “Great because we are definitely going to be stopped by multiple people at the dorms. So get ready.” He held his hand out to her. “We have to play the part. Let’s drop your stuff off and then I’ll take you to a bakery nearby.”

She hesitated slightly before standing up. Her hand taking his, intertwining her fingers with his. He thought they fit together like puzzle pieces, perfectly. Caleb was slightly worried that his hand would sweat profusely from the nervousness he was feeling. 

A sort of sadness settled in his heart. That he was holding her hand so intimately under false pretenses. They held hands before, but it was never with interlocked fingers. She was the one who told him that only couples would hold hands that way. And he was always waiting for that transition in their relationship.

“Are you going to show me around later?” She asked. It was a bit of a silent walk as Caleb sulked about faking holding hands.

“Weren’t you with me on the DAA tour, Pipsqueak?” He cocked his eyebrow at her.

She rolled her eyes at him and pinched his arm. “Yeah, but now I want the tour from the hotshot freshman that’s stayed here for weeks on end instead of coming home.” She pouted at him.

“Yeah, yeah. This hotshot will give you a more personal tour.” He laughed, the sound reverberating through his chest. He felt warm and comfortable with her.

They walked through the paths of the academy, hand in hand. The previous night and morning’s quarrels seem to be forgotten. Not in Caleb’s mind, completely. Only repressed for him to over analyze again at some point. But at that moment, he was worry-free. 

“I’m glad you’re here, Pipsqueak,” he softly said to her.

She let go of his hand and wrapped her arms around his arm. “Me too, Caleb.”

As they reached a more crowded part of campus, murmurs could be heard. Whispers of rumors and exclamations floated all around them. As more people looked, the tighter her grip on him became. “You’re really popular…” She mumbled.

“I think you’re the star of the show, this time.” Caleb had some sort of pride inflating inside of his chest. Even if it was pretend at that moment, he was able to claim the prettiest woman in his eyes as his to everyone around him. He was proud of everyone looking at her that she was clung to his arm. He tried fighting the smile that threatened to erupt from his face out of fear of her detecting how much he enjoyed what was happening.

“They’re all looking at us.” She glanced desperately up towards him.

He confidently smiled back. “They’re curious as to who managed to steal the cold-hearted wannabe pilot’s heart, Pip. I was brutally rejecting everyone.” He lied. Although he didn’t really care for anyone who paid him any attention, he never wanted to be an asshole either. 

He was met with another eyeroll. “As if. You couldn’t even hurt a fly.”

Caleb laughed at her internally. She was oblivious. Caleb recalled the intricate plans he had the day before to get rid of Eric. There was also the time he locked her in the attic to fight some bullies in their neighborhood. He was glad that she could only see the nice side of him.

A classmate of his walked up to them, “Woah, Caleb! Is this the girlfriend you were talking about?” His attention towards her, “Some of us thought he was lying to get out of going to parties. He said you were a clingy one. I guess he was telling the truth after all!” He laughed.

Caleb choked out an awkward laugh. “Clingy girlfriends are a brag, you know.” He looked towards her, fearing that she would feel awkward and put on the spot. 

Her grip on him tightened and she looked up at him with puppy eyes, mimicking the ones he gave her when he whined. “Have I been taking your time away from your friends?”

The classmate was the one to answer, “Oh, don’t mind us! Since you’re real, we’ll just sulk in jealousy instead. We were worried he was just brushing us off. Hope you guys have a good day!” He ran off to tell the rest of his classmates. 

“Hm, what else do you say about me?” She dropped his arm to enter another pondering pose. 

Caleb scoffed, “Besides being my girlfriend, everything I say about you is very truthful.” He wasn’t lying, he would just prefer not to repeat all the lovey-dovey things he’s said about her. Someone once asked what she looked like and he went on a whole ramble about how her eyes sparkled.

A familiar face was walking nearby, the one that made nasty comments about the photo of her on Caleb’s phone. Caleb’s jaw tightened as his arm snaked around her waist and guided her to keep walking. 

“What’s wrong?” She shivered from his new hold.

“I don’t like some people, just keep walking. We’re almost to the dorm.” His grip on her was stiff, but he tried to be gentle. “Don’t walk around campus alone at any time, okay? Skyhaven isn’t as safe as Linkon.”

“You’re kind of scary sometimes. Maybe you would hurt a fly if they were mean first, huh?” She noted. “But alright, I wasn’t planning on leaving your side anyways.”

The ice grip on his heart melted in seconds as she said that, a blush creeping up his neck onto his ears. 

They finally made it to the dorm and saw Gideon outside the door. “Ugh, finally. I forgot my key and you took forever to get back.” He got up from the floor and his eyes lit up seeing the girl on Caleb’s arm. “Woah! It’s you! Nice to meet you!” He extended his hand out for a handshake. “Caleb quite literally never shuts up about you. I think you’ve seen me in the background of some of your guys’ calls. I’m Gideon, his roommate.”

She giggled and took his hand. “Hi! Caleb’s mentioned you too. I hope he hasn’t said anything too bad about me. He talks badly about you all the time.” She joked.

Gideon punched Caleb playfully. “Ass.”

Caleb took his key out to open the door and let the two of them in. 

“Thank you again for letting me sleep here.” She said to Gideon.

“After what happened this morning, I don’t think he was going to let me sleep in here anyways. Better put it to good use if it’s not me. I’m gonna head out now. Maybe we can all have dinner together before whenever you leave!” Gideon said packing some more essentials before grabbing his bag and leaving. 

“Your roommate’s cute.” She said, plopping onto his bed.

Caleb’s whole body stiffened.

“In a kind of dumb way, he seems funny though.” She laughed, signifying a lack of attraction.

And then he relaxed. “Don’t call my roommate cute, that’s gross. And you’re supposed to be my girlfriend when you’re here, Pip. What if someone heard you?” He looked at her with an accusatory glare.

Her mouth fell open and then closed, as if she took back what she was going to say. Her face dropped a bit.

“What’s wrong?” Caleb asked, walking towards her before kneeling beside the bed to rest his hand atop of hers. “Did I say something wrong?”

She sat up and looked at their hands touching. “I’m all for being your…’girlfriend,’” she made air quotes as she said it, slipping away from his hand. “But…how is it so easy for you to joke about it? Is it that funny?” She bit her lip, looking at him with desperation in her eyes.

“I…” Caleb was at a loss for words. It wasn’t easy for him at all, but he wanted to play it off as something playful so she wouldn’t feel too uncomfortable. “If I showed you how hard it was, I’d scare you away.” He knew that if he showed his feelings for her first, he wouldn’t know if she would be ready yet and he'd spook her.

There was a moment of silence between the two. The tension from the previous night seeped back, and the previously airy and open space became hard to breathe in. She took his face into her hands. “Are you suffering as much as I am, Caleb?” Her head tilted, questioning him. “Am I really the reason why you won’t date anyone here?” Her thumb caressed his cheek and her fingers lightly touched his warm red ears. 

His face felt like it was on fire and was electrified where she held him. He pursed his lips, suddenly terrified. He nodded slightly, fearing that his voice would crack if he tried to answer.

She slowly leaned forward, inching further and further to close the distance. It wasn’t like the night before. Her eyes were filled with desperation once again, but none of the hesitation was present. And was instead replaced with yearning and fire. “Do you…like me, Caleb?” Her breath was hot against his lips.

Another weak nod was all he could muster. He wanted to close the gap so badly, his arms were taut with holding himself back. But he waited for her to make the move.

“Can I…” She looked at his lips and then back at his eyes.

That counted for him. That was her first move, and he finally crashed his lips onto hers.

Chapter 8

Caleb felt like his heart exploded the moment his lips met with hers. Once he saw her eyes flutter close, he took it as a sign of her erasing the invisible line she created between them. Their lips moved against each other, awkwardly at first, but neither of them seemed to care. There was raw passion and desire in their touches, but Caleb had evident hunger for her the way he swallowed every breath and sigh she let out. He thought her lips were soft and warm, and wanted to explore even further.

He pulled away slightly, his eyes glazed with desperate intent. “Can you…open your mouth a little more, please.” He pushed himself up from the ground and set his knee on the bed, straddling her partially. The position made her push herself up further into the bed. Her eyes looked for his and she nodded before Caleb dived in again. His tongue pushing past hers and exploring her, trying to remember and map every inch. Caleb fully got on top of her and pulled away to rest his forehead on hers. Both were out of breath as he said, “If this is a dream, please don’t wake me up.” In complete disbelief of their position, his eyes were blown out as he looked down at her. The same expression painted her face, as she reached up at him to trace his features with her fingers. Caleb caught her hand and nuzzled his nose into it, “I would have waited for centuries for you…I just think I would have exploded doing so.”

Her eyes started to water and she pushed his shoulder to switch positions. It was his turn to lay flat on the bed, with her on top of him. She straddled him and cupped his face again. “I’m terrified of losing you, Caleb. I thought it would have been better if we just stayed how we did…but it was hard to imagine if you…did this with anyone else.” She slipped off her oversized cardigan, revealing only a thin tank top underneath, with nothing else. The sight alone made Caleb feel dizzy.

Yet, Caleb found the strength to sit up, closing the distance between the two of them again. He guided her arms to wrap around his neck. The soft caress of his fingers on her arms made her shiver and he kissed her again, with more fervor, tilting his head to get a better angle. He wanted her to stop worrying and be in the moment with him. He had the exact same worries and he knew how deep the pit was in his chest all those years. Yet, at this moment, it felt like it was full again. Caleb put a hand on the small of her back, pushing her even closer to him before he pulled away from her but kept their noses touching. “I could never be with anyone that wasn’t you…you’re the one who tried replacing me, Pipsqueak. I thought I was gonna kill someone…” He captured her lips again as tears fell from her eyes. In between kisses, he said, “Was I not…enough…for you?” He moved from her lips, to her cheeks, catching every tear that spilled from her eyes.

“I thought it would help me move on and let you be happy with anyone you met here.” She mumbled, burying her head in the nook of his neck. “I thought he was enough like you, but I knew it’d never be enough.” Her arms tightened around him. “What if we don’t work out?”

His chest tightened as he peeled her off of him in order to look her in the eyes. “I’d do anything for you, you know that, right? Are you scared I won’t be good enough or are you scared you don’t like me enough…?” 

She shook her head, pouting. “What if you meet some-”

He stopped her with another kiss. “I could never love anyone else…please trust me.” He begged. Peppering kisses down her jaw and neck. He knew he was risking it by saying the word “love.” But he wanted to be open to her. He wanted to assure her that she was the only thing on his mind and in his future. 

Her face turned red and her eyes had fire behind them. Half-lidded, she grabbed his face again and surged forward for a deep, fiery kiss. As if his words lit something inside of her. She pushed him down and situated herself more comfortably on top of him. 

The movements on top of Caleb made his pants tighten. His face turned redder from her actions, and everything felt hot. He wanted to lift her away from his lap so she couldn’t feel what was stirring in his pants, but she grabbed his hands and guided it to move under her skirt. His fingers caressing her bare calves, hiking up her long skirt further and further until his hands rested on her warm thighs. His eyes shot open as he realized the only fabrics separating the two of them was their underwear and his pants. Her fingers played with the waistband of his pants, and he thought he was going to pass out

She rolled her hips onto the growing heat of his pants, and he pathetically whined into her mouth. It took everything in him to stop her hips from moving even more. “Pips, please.” Caleb thought he could have finished in his pants the moment he saw the desperation and want in her face. When he stopped her, a look of hurt replaced it.

“You don’t want…” She started to say, worried.

He threw his head back and covered his eyes with his elbow. “I do, gods, I want you so bad.” His hips jerked upward, accidentally or by instinct he thought. Another whine left his lips and a soft moan left hers, making his pants even hotter and tighter. “I just don’t want our first time to be like this,” he managed a chuckle through his tight throat. “I haven’t even taken you out on a date yet. And you haven’t even said you’d be mine…” He dropped his hand and sat back up. She squirmed in his lap, looking for friction and he held his breath before saying more, gripping on her hips to keep her from moving. “So…will you? Be mine?” He looked at her, his eyes piercing into her glazed eyes until he could see her regain clarity from the same head rush he was experiencing. 

She leaned her forehead to rest onto his, her hips restless and relentless against his hands. “Only if you’re mine and only mine, Caleb.” A small moan escaped her lips and Caleb took no time to swallow it with a kiss. She pulled back after a bit to say, “Plan the date then, Caleb. I’ve been waiting for so long, it’s getting harder to hold back.” Pleading into another kiss, her hips moving stronger against the growth in his pants. 

He couldn’t tell who was at fault at the growing dampness of his pants, if it was her or his own doing. Or a combination of the two of them. It made him light headed as he gave in, moving against her own hips. His arms wrapped around her waist, pushing him to move stronger against him. Caleb whined into another kiss, exploring further and deeper into her mouth. Their tongues fought against who got to explore who, but she moved even stronger against his warmth, making him gasp against her. “I…” He tried to tell her that he wasn’t going to last any longer. The sounds coming out of her, her lips against his, and her body against his body was driving him insane. Even though there were as many layers as there was against them, it still felt better than when Caleb released the pressure himself. It felt like heaven to him already, if he imagined how it was to be inside of her, he would have definitely made a mess on the spot. 

“Caleb, can you…” She moaned against his lips, breathing heavily. Her fingers trailed down his face, neck, chest, stomach. Down in between her legs, playing with the button on his jeans. “Take these off, I just…I just want to feel closer to you.” She pulled back and moved herself to sit on his thighs. “We won’t go all the way, I promise. Just please, let me feel you a little more. I need you.” 

The three words ignited something inside Caleb. He lifted her with an arm underneath her bottom, flipping her back swiftly onto the bed, earning a yelp from her. He pushed her skirt fully upwards to expose her underwear and airing the obvious dampness and excitement. His eyes were half-lidded, staring down at her. Any sign of fear or hesitation melted away from the three words, and they were replaced with extreme yearning and desire. Caleb unbuttoned his pants and swiftly peeled them off, without breaking eye contact, leaving him in his boxers. He quickly laid back on top of her, slotting himself in-between her legs. The two moaned into each other’s mouths, as he grinded into her with even more strength. His pace quickened as her moans and whines got even louder. The bed creaking louder underneath them. “I never thought…I’d be able to have you like this.” He moaned into her neck. 

“Me neither…oh god.” She brought her hand up to her mouth to stifle her own sounds, but Caleb quickly grabbed her wrist and pinned it beside her head.

“Don’t…please. If I don’t hear you, I’m going to think this really is just a dream. Please.” He begged into her neck, leaving marks as she squirmed underneath him. “I’m so close.” He let go of her wrist, moving it down to hook under her waist to lift her up at an angle, so she would be more exposed to him. His right arm keeps his weight from crushing her.

She nodded, “Me too, Caleb. Please don’t stop.” She grabbed his face and pulled it away from her neck to pull him towards another kiss. A messy and uncoordinated kiss, matching the same uncoordinated thrusts that Caleb was putting out as he slowly lost more and more control. Their uneven breaths and moans entangled with each other as they shared the same air while chasing the same high.

He felt her shiver and tense up underneath him as she came undone, and he spilled into his own garments, tears pricking his eyes as he was hit with multiple shockwaves of his orgasm and he cried. He tried to keep up his own weight to avoid crushing her, as he rested his head in the crook of her neck, hiccuping into it. He didn’t know why he cried at first, until the fog of sex slightly cleared, leaving him in a state of immense jubilation. He didn’t know it was possible for him to cry tears of happiness until that moment where he cried from the pure ecstasy he felt. He stayed hiding his face, because he felt embarrassed that the first time they participated in a sexual act, he ended up crying.

She softly twitched underneath him, recovering from her own high. She pushed him softly off of her, “Caleb, are you crying?” A hint of worry was in her breathless voice, as she sat up to look at him, still twitching every now and then.

Caleb lied on his back, covering his eyes with his elbow once again, as tears fell from his eyes. “Don’t laugh…” he said in between hiccups. He reached out to one of her hands, intertwining their fingers together before putting it to his lips, kissing her knuckles. “I’ve never done anything like this before and being able to experience something like this with you…is overwhelming me…in a good way. I just can’t seem to stop.” 

She giggled softly, making Caleb peek at her to pout. “I said, don’t laugh.” He sniffled into her hand before she unraveled their fingers and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

“Seeing you like this…makes me feel more confident that it wasn’t as one-sided as I thought.” She smiled before kissing his lips, a small meaningful peck. Her hands wiping the tears from his cheeks. “I almost thought you were crying because you regretted it.” 

“Your trust in me seriously needs some work, Pip.” He calmly said, holding her hand that rested on his cheek. “You’re insane if you seriously thought that.” His hand moved up to the back of her neck, pulling her down for another kiss.

Then the door burst open with Gideon walking in, looking down at his phone. “Hey sorry, I left my–” He stopped as he looked up to see the two of them on his bed. Although she may have looked somewhat normal despite her blown up pupils and messy hair, Caleb was lying down in his boxers. A rather evident crime scene. “Guys. On my bed?!” He scoffed, close to yelling. “As happy as I am that Caleb grew a pair. He has his own bed like six feet away.” He turned around with his hands on his head, in disbelief. “You know what…keep that mattress. Keep the sheets. I’m going to beg Patrick to let me move in.” He turned back around and left through the open doorway, slamming the door shut.

“We can deal with that later.” Caleb said, continuing what he was doing before Gideon interrupted them. And she leaned down, giggling into another kiss. As embarrassing as it was, he couldn’t care less because he was able to finally call her, his. 

Chapter 9

After a shower and a change of clothes, Caleb decided to switch beds with Gideon. He gave him a video call while she was in the shower to apologize. He wanted her to wash up first, but the mess in his boxers was a lot more unmanageable.

“You’re lucky Patrick won’t let me move in here…” Gideon grumbled. It was his turn to be upset at Caleb after that morning’s cold shoulder. A slight glint in Gideon’s eyes showed extreme interest in the current situation. “So…I’m assuming things are great.” And then as if remembering the reason for the call, he gruffed and rolled his eyes. “I mean, it better be if it was worth violating my bed.”

Caleb sat on his desk, propping his phone up to talk to Gideon hands-free. He took a quick glance at the room’s bathroom to check if the water was still running. He then looked back towards the phone and smiled. “Dude.” The events that happened just a few minutes before replayed in his mind and he buried his face in his hands, hiding the smile that was growing from ear-to-ear.

“Dude.” Gideon replied. The one-word exchange held a thousand words for the two.

Caleb dragged his hands down to make his eyes visible. “Am I dreaming?” He asked, slightly muffled.

“I’ll go over and beat the crap out of you, right now, and that’ll let you know if you are. I’m still upset, I’m hanging up…but I’m happy for you. Be safe. And stay OFF of my bed.” A genuine smile before annoyance flashed through his face before hanging up.

Caleb got up to lay on his bed to stare at the ceiling, giddy with the scenes replaying in his head. Every sound and word being manually ingrained into every crevice of his brain. It was making it hard for him to imagine having to go weeks without her, and it was also making him hard again. It was a lot easier to control before. Fueled by fear of being caught, he somehow managed to hide any hints of arousal around her. Now that he’s experienced bliss, it’s as if it has a mind of its own now. It was as if she held the key to every emotion, and she finally opened his heart to feel everything clearly. A weight was physically lifted off his shoulder and he just splayed out on the bed and let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in.

She stepped out of the bathroom a few moments after and he propped himself up with his elbow to look at her. She was dressed in a simple attire of baggy jeans and a cropped tank top that hugged every curve on her upper body. Caleb felt like someone knocked the air out of his lungs as he studied her.

She stopped in her tracks on her way towards him as he saw her reation. Cocking her head to the side and crossing her arms, “You’re acting like you’ve never seen me wear this before…you bought this for me, too.” She tuts at him before walking over and throwing a small towel at him. “Dry my hair.” She basically commanded him, sitting on the floor beside the bed.

He HAD seen her wear the outfit multiple times, and he was the one who chose the color since she insisted on getting the top despite it being too short in his opinion. Yet, there was an aura to her that screamed ‘I like Caleb!’ The change of their relationship made her glow a million times more than before, and he wondered if he needed to start wearing his aviator glasses around her now. “You took the space out of ‘girl’ and ‘friend’, and now I’m forever shocked by your presence, Pips. If it’s a crime to find your girlfriend breathtaking, then lock me up, officer.” He teased her.

She groaned before turning her head to look back at him, “You’re so chee-” 

He cut her off by leaning forward and running his fingers through the back of her head and pushing her towards him for another kiss. She softly moaned into it and automatically opened her mouth to him, making Caleb smirk against her lips before pulling away. She looked surprised and dazed when he did so, before giving him a pout. “I thought you wanted me to dry your hair. Turn around.” He said, feigning innocence. 

She looked like she was about to say something before turning around, grumbling. 

He took the towel from his lap and started scrunching her wet hair with it. He felt water droplets on her neck so he took a corner to wipe them off, his pinky caressing the tip of her ear, causing her to shiver. Whether he did it on accident or on purpose was all up to Caleb. 

His phone started ringing on his desk and she quickly got up. 

“Can you go check who it is? Grab the hairbrush while you’re up over there.” Caleb said to her, lying back down. 

“It’s Gideon.” She said, grabbing his phone and the brush before going back to him. Instead of sitting back on the floor, she climbed on top of him and laid her head on his chest, handing him the two objects.

He grabbed his phone while letting the hairbrush fall to his side, and his other arm held her still against his chest while he answered, putting him on speaker. “Hey, you’re on speaker.”

“I forgot to tell you that the shooting club’s event is at the range tonight. They’re holding a competition for the most points shot, and I heard prizes include a romantic dinner.” Gideon chuckled. “They also include that one video game I really want, if someone wanted to make it up to me that I found them doing sinful things on my bed…but whatever.” Caleb could almost hear him roll his eyes. 

He looked down to find her eyes and saw them staring at his phone, lit up. “Can I join? Can I shoot too?” She asked, grabbing the phone from him. 

“Oh right, I heard you wanted to be a Hunter. Yeah, you just need to pay the off-campus fee, but you can enter the competition too. Try and win me the game, and I’ll consider letting Caleb go home on the weekends.” Gideon said. “You know I’m his partner for everything, if I slack off…a certain someone will have to stay on campus longer to work on our assignments twice as hard.”

She rolled off of Caleb and lied beside him, gasping. “You’re mean!”

“You did stuff on my bed! I don’t wanna hear it, missy! I’ll see you both later!” He hung up.

She threw the phone onto his chest and flipped onto her belly. “That’s so embarrassing! He’s never letting it go!” She screamed, muffled by the pillow.

Caleb laughed at her before getting on his side to play with her hair. Grabbing the hairbrush to run through it, he asked, “You still want to go to the shooting range later?” He ran the brush through her hair. He wqs hoping he could take her out to somewhere romantic, right at that moment, but winning a more expensive date sounded fun for him too. Seeing her eyes light up was also a big motivation for him. Although he thought she was more excited about shooting guns than going out with him. “Are you trying to get experience shooting before the academy?”

She pushed herself up from the pillow before facing her body towards him, taking the hairbrush from him and setting it down. “Can we? It sounds cool…I never fired one before. Except for that toy gun you got me a couple years ago. Remember how we were shooting apples and soda cans.” She reached out to pinch his cheek. “I was always so much better than you.” She giggled, scooting over to him to wrap her arms around his chest and nuzzling into it. 

Caleb scoffed, “Yeah sure, you were the perfect shot. Let’s see how you handle recoil later.” He rolled his eyes, patting her head. He hoped she couldn’t hear his heart at that moment. The idea that they could do this mundane couple move was making him ecstatic. “The event’s in two hours, do you still want to go to the cafe?”

She shook her head, “I want to stay like this for a bit.”

“Alright, Pipsqueak. Whatever you want.” He placed a kiss on the top of her head as he held her tighter against him. “Are you gonna nap?” His voice lowers. His hand rubbing circles on her back while the other plays with her hair.

She moves back slightly to rest her chin on his chest to be able to look up at him. The adjustment made him move a bit back so he could look at her also. A comfortable silence took over as they stared into each other’s eyes.

Caleb took the hand that was playing with her hair to brush away the hair on her forehead. Then he planted a soft kiss onto it, lingering for a moment. When he pulled away, her eyes fluttered open to look at him again. “How long were you going to make me wait for you?”

She pursed her lips and then shimmied her hands free from around him before cupping his cheeks. “How long would you have waited?” Her eyes falling from his and landing on his lips.

“Forever.” He scooted back so he could take his hand and place it under her chin to force her to make eye contact with him again. “I thought I was going to kill someone when you told me you liked someone.” She winced at her decisions previously, biting her lip. Caleb tuts. “You need to fix this habit of yours, Pip.” His thumb pulls down her bottom lip free from her teeth before swooping into a kiss. He held her tight against him, afraid that she’d float away somehow. Her hands moved from his face to around his neck, her right hand running through his hair, sending a shiver down his spine. 

-

“I’m glad you guys made it!” Gideon ran over to them through the sea of other club members. 

The two of them walked into the shooting range hand in hand. Caleb made her wear his DAA hoodie since he knew the shooting club was mainly men. And as much as he wanted her to be free to do whatever she wanted, he didn’t trust himself to NOT knock someone out if they looked at her incorrectly. She provided no resistance, regardless. 

The shooting club held shooting events every other week. Caleb and Gideon weren’t official members due to time constraints of their general meetings, but it was open to the public. Gun safety and training was part of the DAA curriculum, so it was good for the two to join in. To Caleb’s knowledge, this would be her first time shooting a real gun, though. They used to shoot wooden pellet guns before, as well as air rifles, but never real ones.

“Just register over there. Quick! They’re gonna start soon.” Gideon ushered them to the counter. 

“You ready to shoot a real gun, Pipsqueak?” Caleb guided her with a hand on the small of her back through the crowd. “Keep in mind what I taught you on how to hold it.”

She nodded, giddy. “I can’t wait, let’s go!” She grabbed his wrist and made him walk faster.

As soon as they paid and got set up, Caleb went first so she could watch him. The contest consisted of five shots in total. The bullseye was ten points and each ring after, one point less. Much like the rules of archery. Caleb wasn’t an amazing shooter, by any means. But he was an above-average shot. Despite having the same experience as her, he was able to learn quickly on how to be precise and steady. This landed him with two bullseye shots and others close to it. One shot was a bit far off since he heard her laugh loudly behind him from what he assumed was a joke made by Gideon. He couldn’t tell if he was just entranced by her happiness or jealous that someone else made her laugh. Regardless, he lost his focus. This landed him with forty-one points.

He went back to her and she gave him a quick hug to lean into his ear so she could yell through ear protection, “That was hot, Caleb! My turn! My turn!” 

His face felt hot and he laughed, pushing past her so he could watch her turn. The range was reset for her and she lined herself up, planting her feet on the floor. Her stance reminded him of when they were kids and she was shooting soda cans in the backyard, and he couldn’t help but smile. He saw her take a deep breath before pulling the trigger as she exhaled. Bullseye.

His eyes widened as he looked up at the screen that showed where the bullet landed, and it was dead center. He looked over at Gideon who had the same expression, mouth agape. Caleb knew she was a good shot, but he didn’t know how well wooden pellets could translate to actual machinery. In her case, it might have been perfect.

Another shot. Bullseye. And then another. Bullseye.

He didn’t realize it, but a few more people gathered around her, watching. “Is that your girlfriend?” An acquaintance of his shouted next to him. 

His chest swelled with pride. After all those weeks of lying to everyone, he could finally respond with a truthful yes. “She’s great, huh?” He added. 

She must’ve noticed more people watching since the last two shots were further off, but still close enough to be able to land her a higher score than Caleb. A final total of forty-six. A round of applause erupted from the people watching, impressed by the outsider scoring higher than some club members.

She set the gun down and fast-walked back over to Caleb, slightly embarrassed. “Did you see me? Wasn’t that crazy?” She jumped up and down, holding his hands. Her hands slightly shaking from the adrenaline and reaction from the recoil.

The two and Gideon made their way out of the shooting range into the common area so they could talk easier.

“That was insane! Are you sure that was your first time?” Gideon asked, giving her a high-five. “I could never outshoot this hotshot. And you did it in one night!”

She shook her head. “Toys and air rifles…but never a handgun like that. Are my fingers supposed to hurt a little?” She rubbed her hands a bit before Caleb took over and massaged it for her.

“Yeah, it would have been worse if you didn’t hold it properly. You did amazing, Pipsqueak. You really are on your way to being the world’s best Hunter, huh?” He smiled at her, proudly.

He thought he’d be more upset about doing worse than her, he knows he has a bit of an issue where he always wanted to be better than her so he could protect her. But at that moment, he was surprised and happy to see her so excited. It also put him in a better headspace knowing that if she really had to, she could protect herself.

They had to wait until the rest of the contestants finished shooting to figure out the results of the winners, and once they did, it was no surprise that the two of them made it on the prize winning chart. They were able to claim their free date and the apology gift for Gideon.

[sukunatoes]

Sanguine

Chapter One: An Unfortunate Twist of Fate

True Form Sukuna x Fem Reader

18+ ONLY, MDNI

Synopsis: You are a former jujutsu sorcerer tasked with hunting and eliminating the King of Curses — Ryomen Sukuna.

[An AU where everyone survives the Shinjuku Showdown]

A/N: Hello! I’m trying to get back into writing and practice writing in second person. This is my first long fic and I’m trying to get the hang of things still. You can expect updates once or twice a week, fic will likely be around 200k words by the time of completion. Thanks for checking out my work :)

“You know what you need to do. We’re all counting on you,” Satoru’s usual chipper voice was now weary and worn. Undoubtedly due to fighting for his life after his battle with Ryomen Sukuna just a few days prior. He began to say something else but was cut short by three rapid beeps alerting you the call dropped.

Of course there’d be no service out here.

With a groan, you locked your phone and slid it into your jacket pocket before slinging your backpack forward. Reaching into the small pocket on the front, you pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Flipping the cardboard top, you pulled one out and brought it to your lips just before igniting it. You had smoked far too much these past few days.

Nothing had gone as planned during last week’s battle in Shinjuku. Gojo had been critically injured and was still receiving intensive care from Shoko. A binding vow he made had brought him back to life at the expense of his six eyes. Despite cheating death, his road to recovery would be lengthy.

After being critically injured by Yuji Itadori, Sukuna managed to escape with the help of his lackey Uraume. Their current whereabouts remain unknown.

On top of everything else, the entire country was a disaster. Kenjaku had released over ten million cursed spirits, forcing millions of residents to evacuate. Despite his defeat at the hands of Yuta Okkotsu, the damage done was extensive and would undoubtedly take years to recover from. The entire nation was being overrun by curses. To say jujutsu sorcerers were stretched thin would be the understatement of the century.

With a sigh, you brought the cigarette that rested between your fingers back up to your lips, taking as long of a drag as your lungs would allow. It had been years since you had personally done any work for the jujutsu community. You had once attended Jujutsu High in Tokyo as a young, promising, special grade sorcerer. However, you decided to follow your own path and hung up being a sorcerer less than two years after your graduation. You spent the last few years as a part-time bartender in a club on the outskirts of Tokyo. Your life was a mundane one, but that’s how you liked things. Stable, unassuming, unexciting.

A couple of days following the showdown in Shinjuku, you received a call from Jujutsu High. Much to your relief, you learned of Satoru Gojo’s survival. They invited you to visit and asked if you would be willing to help out. It was never your intention to return to this line of work, but with the current state of things, you couldn’t find it in your heart to refuse.

The higher-ups were dead, and the big three clans were in a total disarray. Any lower-rank sorcerers who had not been injured were already dispatched to help with evacuations and protecting the civilian population. Gojo would likely require hospitalization for the next couple of weeks but was doing whatever he could manage to help out from there. The only other special grade sorcerer still alive, Okkotsu, was sent out to investigate and deal with any special grade curses Kenjaku had set free. That meant you were the sole person who had both the ability and availability to complete the mission you were on now. To track and eliminate the King of Curses, Ryomen Sukuna.

Taking down Sukuna would be no easy feat for anybody. In fact, there probably wasn’t a single soul alive who could face him in direct combat and come out victorious. Even with a powerful cursed technique like yours, you doubt you could land more than a single blow on him. Despite this, you truly believed you would be able to see this mission through to the end.

Everyone had told you time was of the essence. That Sukuna needed to be sought out and struck down immediately. However, you knew better than to rush the task head-on. You spent days strategizing different ways to approach the situation before you settled on your final plan.

Old legends passed down among inner circles of the three clans spoke of cursed weapons from the Asuka Era so powerful that those who wielded them were viewed as gods. The stories speak of four weapons, each with their own distinct traits. However, the clan heads at the time feared that should they fall into the wrong hands, it would bring unstoppable destruction. So they held a summit and agreed to disperse the weapons across the country in an attempt to hide them. As far as anyone knew, they were never found. Should you be able to locate and wield these weapons, you would have a real chance to take out the King of Curses once and for all.

The air began to grow heavy as dark, ragged clouds pooled to the south of you. It would soon storm. While the path you were following led north, you doubted you could outrun it at your leisurely pace. You took one final drag of your cigarette before putting it out against the sole of your boot and shoving the extinguished butt in one of your back pockets. Picking up your speed, you continued traversing your way through the forest.

You weren’t sure where the divine weapons were hidden, but you had a few ideas on where to look. Many ancient shrines and temples from the same era were scattered across the nation. You decided these would likely be the best places to start on your search. This one just happened to be on a mountainside a few hours north of Tokyo.

As you drew closer to the shrine, so did the thunderstorm. A vermilion roof came into view over the trees just as the raindrops threatened to fall. Only one building of the original shrine remained intact. It appeared to be the main building and, despite its age, was in decent condition. Resting atop a large hill, a steep stone staircase led up to the entrance.

You ascended the stairs quickly, barely making it under the cover of the roof before the rain broke. The atmosphere carried a tenseness to it unlike anything you had felt before. You reached your hand out for the sliding door, and as soon as it made contact, thunder boomed. The crack of thunder was deafening and shook the foundation below you. Goosebumps rippled across your body as you yanked your hand back, nearly trembling at the new sensation you felt.

It was uncharacteristic of you to be so skittish, but you couldn’t shake the eerie feeling that began to gnaw at you as the seconds passed. A part of you wondered if you should heed this as a warning to turn back and go on your way. Perhaps your ingenious plan wasn’t so bright after all. Maybe you should just ride out the storm right where you stand and leave as soon as it passes. You could go back home, regroup with your thoughts, and strategize something new.

No.

You were feeling unsettled because it was storming and you were about to enter an abandoned shrine. Anyone, no matter how logical, would feel exactly how you do in this situation. You came all this way; the least you could do is take a look around. One hand reached out, forcing the door open while the other pulled out your phone, turning on your flashlight. Drops of water fell from the ceiling, one colliding with the top your head as you made your way inside. You slid the door shut behind you and examined the room. Your flashlight illuminated the dark interior only to reveal that it was completely empty.

The shrine was small, two rooms and a hallway that connected them. As you followed the short hallway, the faintest traces of cursed energy emitted from the second room. You slid the door open to reveal a large table against the furthest wall with a single talisman lying on top.

The fading residuals of cursed energy leaked from the talisman, weak yet unmistakable. You walked over to it and picked up the paper, running it between your fingers. It was thin and worn. The sigils on the front, corroded by the passage of time, could barely be deciphered.

A seal of some kind. But for what?

It was improbable that the seal was meant to trap something here, as no other cursed energy could be sensed. Most likely, it had been meant to ward off intruders instead, which meant there was something in this shrine worth protecting.

But what? The place was barren.

You folded the talisman in half before shoving it in your back pocket. Gliding your hands across the table, you opened the only drawer to find it was also empty. Kneeling down beside the table, you leaned underneath it, glancing at the underside, only to find it was devoid of any clues as well.

Your hands made contact with the floor as you went to push yourself up, only to get caught on something. A small indentation on the edge of one of the floor panels. You carefully slipped two of your fingers into it. Doing so allowed them to fully slide underneath the wooden panel. With a bit of a tug, the edge of it peeled right up, exposing a dark space below the floorboards.

A giddy chuckle escaped your lips as you maneuvered the table out of the way and lifted up the next two panels. Shining your flashlight into the opening, a steep staircase descended as far as the eye could see.

You carefully lowered yourself onto the steps, your fingertips grabbing onto the damp walls of the tunnel, steadying you. The smell of mold and rot overcame you as you began to climb deeper into the abyss below you. There was no telling how long this tunnel had remained untouched.

A level passageway came into view as the stairs neared their end. It was a narrow tunnel, barely large enough to comfortably fit one body at a time. You followed the pathway for what felt like ages before it suddenly widened into a chamber of some sort.

Shelves lined the walls, with what appeared to be dozens of books and scrolls littering them.

“Incredible,” you breathed.

There was no telling what sort of knowledge these held or how long they had been hidden away. Even if the divine weapons could not be found here or clues to their whereabouts, what you stumbled upon was utterly magnificent regardless.

You dropped your bag to the floor, dust flying upon impact. Practically running to the shelf closest to you, you grabbed an unmarked scroll and immediately unrolled it. The paper was thin and slightly soggy. It smelled overwhelmingly earthy and was undoubtedly from a bygone era.

Characters sprawled across the scroll’s entirety; somehow most of it was still in a decent enough condition for you to decipher. It spoke of summoning what you assumed were shikigami. You rolled the scroll back up and set it back in its place before grabbing a stack of books and sliding your way down to the floor.

You spent hours skimming through book after book; most contained basic jujutsu knowledge. Barriers, shikigami, innate domains. You could make an educated guess that whoever tucked these away was likely a teacher of some sort.

Grabbing what was your eleventh book, you opened it up only to see the first few pages were completely blank. This caught your eye. You straightened up and began flipping faster. Fifty blank pages must have passed before you came across one page that had two kanji on it.

Prophecy.

The kanji covered the entire page, stretching from edge to edge in sanguine ink.

Your lips opened with a silent gasp as you dragged your fingertips across it.

“Prophecy?” Your curious voice was barely above a whisper.

Brows furrowed, you flipped through the following pages before stumbling across another page with one kanji on it.

Divine.

You furrowed your brows, fingertips gently reaching for the edge of the page only to flip it over and reveal a drawing. It showed a man tightly gripping a tantō in his right hand. He was worn and bloody from battle. Onyx hair cascaded over his bare, scar-covered shoulders in waves and stopped just above his waist.

With his back turned, he stood atop a hill overlooking a river that was illuminated by a full moon. The blade extended from the man’s hand as water flowed from the river into the tip of his blade almost like it was a medium of some sort. At the bottom of the page, “divine” was written again in a bold, red ink.

This was unlike anything you had ever seen. A small grin made its way to your face as you flipped through the rest of the book. You weren’t one to believe in things like fate or destiny, but the odds of you finding something as monumental as this at the first place you explored felt like things were already falling in place.

Hell, maybe it was fate.

“The divine weapons are real,” was all you could muster in disbelief before you shoved the book in your bag and ran back to the shelves to pluck more material off of them.

You excitedly flipped through more scrolls and books, but much to your disappointment, none of them contained any information about the other three weapons. With only one scroll and two books left, your phone vibrated with a notification to alert you that you only had twenty percent battery left.

“Shit.”

You needed to conserve your battery the best you could. The sun would be setting within the next couple of hours, and no one knew exactly where you were beyond the vague description of being a few hours north of Tokyo.

Shoving the remaining books and scroll into your bag, you began your trek back down the claustrophobic tunnel and towards the surface. The rain was still lashing against the roof of the shrine, and thunder could be heard rumbling amongst the sound of roaring wind. You decided with the storm still raging you’d sit in the main room of the shrine and smoke a few cigarettes in hopes the storm would soon pass so you could be on your way.

After reaching the top of the staircase, you pulled yourself out and placed the floorboards back into their place. After sliding the table back on top of them, you made your way back down the hallway. You turned your flashlight off before shutting your phone down altogether in an attempt to save the last bit of battery you had left; you’d just have to walk the best you could in the low light.

A strong gust of wind slammed against your cheeks, the chill it brought with it causing you to shudder. You came to a sudden halt, the realization hitting you like a ton of bricks.

Peeling your eyes up, they landed on the door in front of you. The door you had slid shut was now wide open, the winter winds howling through. Your breath caught in your throat, all the color draining from your face.

You felt it before you saw it. A suffocating aura of raw, unfiltered power. It felt like it had coiled its way around your body and sunk its fangs into your bloodstream. It coursed throughout your body, infiltrating every fiber of your being. An all-encompassing feeling of pure evil.

It was neither a cursed spirit nor a human, but rather a calamity of some sort.

Your body urged you to run as fast as you could, but you froze in place, your brain struggling to grasp the feeling that pulsated through the atmosphere.

You briefly squeezed your eyes shut and took in a deep breath before gradually turning your head to the side.

Four red eyes towered over you. They accompanied a vile grin, exposing a pair of sharpened canines.

Lightning struck nearby, briefly illuminating the shrine and revealing the full form of the silhouette lurking behind you.

Ryomen Sukuna.

next chapter > | all chapters

[shirohige-pirates]

Hey Doll

CisFem Reader x Thatch

CW: toxic parents, manipulation, The Plan™, smut, mdni, I'll add as we go I'm kind of fly by the seat of my pants on this one.

Summary: For as long as you can remember, there has always been The Plan™. Every part of your life is controlled by it, and you do your best to fill the role set upon your shoulders. When you finally receive your Matchbook, and your parents' joy, you feel relief.

But as The Plan™ continues, you struggle with staying the perfect little doll.

Note: This story takes place in the same AU as Some Direction, where the new world government has implemented a match program in response to declining marriage and birth rates.

Chapter 1: Dolled Up

There was nothing.

No, that was wrong, there was everything. The world moved around you, and you moved within it, but there wasn’t a connection. You stood a part from the world around you, comprehending it as a separate space, and reacting to it only when moved to do so.

Maybe it was more correct to say the world moved you. A prompt from your mother, a word from your father, a smile from a stranger. The world carried variables along the lines of time and place and when those items collided with you, you’d react.

You were. Weren’t. No, even less than that.

You were nothing.

No, that was wrong too. You were everything, at least as far as The Plan was concerned. You were the primary piece of it. The keystone in a manner of speaking. No matter how well everything else was done, if you didn’t play your part flawlessly it would all crumble to dust.

Your only struggle, brief and weak and worthless as it was, was whether or not you wanted The Plan to fail. Sometimes you felt you did. If The Plan failed you would be free from it. Free from it, but would you be free?

An unanswerable question. By fate or will, you lacked the knowledge to figure that part out. Would you be free in jail? You’d be free of your parents, free of your part to play in The Plan, certainly, but you wouldn’t be free to live as you pleased.

How did you please to live?

If you couldn’t sort that much out, then there was no reason to fight against the external wills that compelled you. Moved you. Motioned for you. The will of your mother and father who sought to thread you effortlessly through the steps of their decades long plan.

The Plan.

The two words trickled more emotion through your face than anything else, and the slight twitch in your features was unnoticed by those around you. Your mother spoke to you and you smiled, catching up on the conversation and responding with all the words she approved of. Your father called you over and you spoke well-practiced verses and emotions to the people around him about your hopes and dreams.

Your face moved into the smiles you knew they liked, the ones that left everyone at ease, even if there was no easiness in your own heart.

Everything was for The Plan. Your hobbies, your grades, your manners, your clothes. The way your hair was cut and styled, the kind of makeup you applied in the morning, it was all decided by someone else. Ever under the pretense of wanting to make sure you were paired with the best possible match when the time came.

Years ago the world changed. The details didn’t matter to you, it was irrelevant to The Plan. The important part was that the world needed more people in it, and to that end the World Government had enacted the Match Program.

The Match Program was a comprehensive review of the populace and citizens, on an island by island, and sea by sea basis. Not only was it meant to help recover the population, but it was intended to do so as kindly as possible for everyone involved. Matches were based on a staggering number of criteria, and then Match Books were hand delivered to people who had been matched by the program and its overseers.

There were other aspects to the program, like the Early Match Program, and Rematching in certain cases. The overall success rate was surprisingly high, and Rematches were rare, both in how often they were requested, and how often they were approved.

It hadn’t taken long for the population to adjust to the entire concept, with some people finding relief in the process. What fear or worry was there to be had in being provided the love of your life? How much easier was the very concept of marriage and family when there was a comprehensive and objectively successful process already in place?

At one point in your life you had wondered if you would’ve been raised differently if not for the Match Program.

You don’t doubt that you would’ve been pulled into some role or another based on your parents whims, but maybe more of who you were would’ve survived. Or at least dared to exist in the first place. Would you have enjoyed dancing if you had learned it differently? Would you find solace in art if your strokes and paints hadn’t been decided for you?

Maybe you would know more than just what you enjoyed. Maybe you would know how to start a conversation, instead of simply being invited into one. Maybe you would know how to speak about yourself because you’d know the parts of you that were important to you.

Maybe you would know how to smile your own smile.

How to choose your own clothes.

The pastel colors matched perfectly, the hues shifting and accenting based on the most popular trends. There was lace, but not so much as to seem over stated, there was silk, or the shift of it. No expense was spared in curating the smallest detail of your outfits, even how the folds would settle against your legs when you sat down.

You never wondered what to do with your hands, because their location was as predetermined and controlled as anything else about you. Folded neatly, holding your clutch when needed, by your sides with your elbows bent just so, or shyly behind your hips, just a little. Not enough to push your chest into the forefront, at least not too much.

You must be a sight to see, and not unsightly.

Everything on the proper side of civility and femininity. Not a grain of coarseness in your voice, a laugh made of notes and bells, but nothing loud or out of control. Your voice must be much the same, clear and firm but not commanding or demanding. You are to be pleasant and deferential. Debate is not for a good and proper young lady.

You are a trophy to be awarded. A great gift to be won. A flawless saint upon which any good - read, wealthy - man would be completely delighted by.

Knowledge and skills enough to be engaging and useful, but opinions muted enough to not ruffle the feathers of your suitors, and suitors you had.

The World Government Match program was not fully and completely objective. There were certain tiers of quality within the program itself. Whether they existed in truth, or were simply avenues of manipulation available to your parents, you couldn’t honestly say, but unlike most ladies your age, you did indeed have suitors.

Not that your mother or father intended to see you hand in hand with any of them. Well enough to do to be worth the time and kindness of your family, but not in a position to satisfy their desires and hopes for you.

That was where your father’s friend came into play. You knew nothing about him, save his importance in The Plan. So long as you played your part well, he could play his part to greater effect. If you were good enough, flawless enough, gentle and kind and wise and demure and malleable enough - if there was nothing left of whoever you were meant to be, then it would be a success.

You played your part so well that when your Match Book showed up, the man delivering it handed it to your father.

[poly-mc]

Lore dump

CW: Blurred line between IC and OOC under the cut; trauma

My OC, Poly MC, is basically just me. I came up with that, after figuring out that I have feelings for all the brothers in the game Obey Me. This lead me to believe that I'm ambiamorous🦋

For more info on me, you can see my intro🪷

Full name: Fairwish Chanzé Breytenbach

Birthday: 25 February 2002

Age: 23

Gender: A fairy sitting on a leaf, looking over a beach and the ocean, under a starlit nightsky. I am that fairy🧚🏽✨️

My own flavour of non-binary 💛🤍💜🖤

Pronouns: Sea/star

*Please see my intro for a more in-depth explanation on that

How to use: Sea is cooking for starself. Basically, you replace "she" with "sea" and "her" with "star"

Sexuality: Pansexual

Nationality: South African

Race: Mixed (50% Black, 50% White)

Culture: Afrikaans and Zulu

Height: 5'1 (157cm)

Things I like doing: Colouring🧑🏽‍🎨, painting 🎨 video games 🎮(I played A LOT of Nintendo 3Ds as a kid, but now I mostly play Genshin and Sky)🎮, mobile games; 420 (eating and smoking)🍃, jigsaw puzzles🧩, cooking 🧑🏽‍🍳(my parents never tought me how to cook, so now I'm experimenting and teaching myself)🍲, singing🎤 (I guess I'm okay🤷🏽), dancing🕺🏽 (at least I have fun😂), writing poetry✒️

Likes: My boys❤️, my rp kids💖, my Bubba🐱❤️my bio mom🫂❤️, food, music, anime, animals, making people happy, rain, the ocean

Dislikes: My adoptive mom (she's narcissistic), hurting people, pedophiles, bigots, Trump

What I look like/Selfie dump:

I don't take a lot of pictures of myself, because I don't really like the way that I look most of the time😅 Recently, that's been getting a lot better though, since I got top surgery, started showering regularly again and taking better care of my hair. This allowed me to find a look that I really like on myself🤩 These are the only pictures of me that I feel comfortable posting right now, though ☺️😅

I'm an AuDHD-er (autism is self-diagnosed) and am currently recovering from what I suspect is burnout. I'm pretty sure I burnt out during high school. When I was in school, I always had to work harder than everyone else in class, on account of being the slowest. I write slower, make more mistakes and sometimes it takes me longer to process information. A lot of times, this caused me to hold everyonein class back with lessons and made me feel very ashamed. Every year, with a new class, I knew that I was the slowest out of everyone there. I also have a really hard time studying, without writing everything down or highlighting everything.

Everything started going downhill in 10th grade (16 yrs). It was really scary, having to watch as my grades/marks went down more and more with every passing term. Mostly in Science and Maths and sometimes EGD (Engineering Graphics and Design). No matter how much or how hard or how smart I worked, they just kept going down. If they weren't going down, they were stagnant. And I was the nerd. I was constantly spending my time with my nose in a book, or doing some type of homework or studying. Every afternoon, immediately after school (and all evening), even during breaktime/lunch - I would sit and do homework. I never went out with friends, went to parties or sleepovers (in high school. I did have and go to sleepoves in primary school, though. Those were fun). My whole life revolved around school. In high school, I didn't really have close friends. You know when you're friends with someone, but you only ever see them in school? It was like that. Those were the only friends I had in high school. So, essentially, I didn't really feel like I belonged anywhere.

Electrical Technology was fun, though🙃 I was the only "girl" in class, so being the top student and getting better grades than the boys that bullied me, felt that much better 😆😂

Having my final year in 2020, really did it for me. 2019 is the last time I remember everything being "normal". I still have a semblance of regret for not being able to have that high school anime (love) story that everyone talks about. *Sigh🌸* It was also really tough, knowing that that was our year of lasts and we didn't get to do all the things that students usually do in that year. I still remember the feeling of not being able to hug my teachers or my friends, how empty, quiet and orderly the hallways felt. Lifeless...It was horrible.

I could go on, but I think I'm going to end it here🌿 I feel that's enough trauma for today😂 Remember, if you have any questions my asks are always open🌼 I'm pretty much an open book with people I feel safe around and I feel really safe and loved in this community🫶🏽 So, I don't really mind talking about my trauma and past experiences with you guys 🤷🏽 Don't expect that from other people, though 🙅🏽 They might not be as comfortable about it. Just because I am, doesn't mean that they will be too.

Okay, bye🌻

[dewdroppixie]

April 30th, 2025. I want to die but I want to wait for the Heartstopper movie. 💕

So here's what's really going on

I'm not the kind of person that tells people what's going wrong with me. I believe firmly in figuring out things yourself except it's a therapist or doctor or sth like that. I don't believe all your friends need to know when you're struggling. It doesn't help anything I've found, especially when you're all just getting dumped into adulthood and everyone has sth of some sort going on. It's not a very good coping mechanism but I'd rather smile and pretend than be told I'm overreacting or I need to figure it out. Sigh.

Anyways earlier this year I was to start year 3 of college.But I made a terrible decision, I meant well but I just fucked up. Anyways I was given my fees and accommodation fees and I decided to get an apartment. The money for the accommodation was definitely not going to be enough so I decided to add my tuition. Anyways I found a roommate and we house hunted but we never found a place as school was already in session and the spaces were all taken. I decided to settle once again for the school hostels. By this time I'd spent part of the money but it was still enough. Anyways the time to book hostel spaces came around and the price was 3 to 4 times the usual.

That was when I lost it. I didn't have the money to pay for that and I'd spent even more money on my sisters apartment and it'd eaten through my tuition as well. I decided to forget about it and figure something else out. Mind you I live in a different state and my sister's campus is almost the same distance so I stayed with her while trying to figure it out.

I planned to use my allowance to save up and pay the tuition back at least but every month would come around and I wasn't able to meet up. I won't say I got depressed. I'm not depressed, I think depressed is Tori Spring I'm not depressed. I'm sad and I think I have anxiety but that's normal.

Long story short I'm not allowed to take my semester exams and I feel like shit. I know it was entirely my fault for not thinking far ahead enough and I'm not blaming anyone. Nobody around me knows except my sisters. I'm tired of lying to my family, I might get kicked out of school because of bad grades and I don't know what's going to happen after that.

I've been suicidal and not myself but I know I'll come out of this no Matt what eventually happens. If my family finds out it'll be a very very big deal. I don't know how I'll cope with that conversation but I will. I even cut off all my hair and I've lost weight.

I wake up every morning with a tightness in my chest and this horrible fear I don't for a while know what I'm so scared of. Barbie called it fear with no specific object and gurl I get it.

The only thing keeping me together is that I remember times in the past where something like this happened and I thought I wasn't ever going to recover but I did and it's in the past. So I'm telling myself now that I'm going to get out of this but I don't know how true that is. I can't see the future, what if I drop out and my whole family ostracizes me, which they will. What if it affects my sisters education as well. What if I get too sad. What if I drop out and start college again, lord knows it'll be the better option cause regardless of all this I was already failing. What if I can't go back to college. What if I don't get kicked out and I are to do an extra year to make up for my grades. What if, what if, what if.....

And just when I thought everything was as bad as it gets. My friend who doesn't know what's going on hasn't seen me in exams and called my dad. Now my secret might be out. I know she meant well but this could be the final straw. I'm so sick of everything. Tired of fucking my life up one at a time. As much as I tell myself I'll be fine 2306 times a day. I don't actually believe it, it feels like the end of the world and ngl a Zombie Apocalypse wouldn't sound so bad rn. (p. S: I'm terrified of zombies).

surprisingly though I've never cried because of this. In all my anger and sadness and self hate. I've never cried, I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. Oh well I don't like crying anyways I always feel stupid afterwards like what did that help. Anyways I just needed to get this off my chest and I'm not intending for anyone to read this but rather hopefully I'll look back on this and cringe at how unnecessarily dramatic I was being and laugh. Hopefully. Anyways I downloaded a book on witchcraft and I'm going to read that for now. I haven't eaten all day and I've completely lost my appetite. At least I won't kill myself because Heartstopper is getting a movie and I have to be here for that. 🍃🍂🍃🍀

[ciaossu-imagines]

First off I'd like to apologise for the super-late response. I was going to get around to it but kept getting distracted by other things and then you posted that your blog was going on hiatus (which I totally understand, you've got a lot going on after all) so I figured that I should wait until you fully returned but I think because of something else you said that it's okay to send this. If it's still too early and you don't have the time or energy to respond until next year, it's totally cool and I'm sorry for sending it too early then.

I kinda figured that you hadn't watched the BNHA sub because of what you said before but just wanted to check to make sure. And that's interesting that the Haikyuu!! dub just straight up isn't available. It's such a popular anime so it's strange but yeah, since I myself think the dub is bad from what I've seen, I'm glad you watched the sub, even if it took longer to watch it because of that. Have you ever checked out the subbed version of an anime after finishing it? And yeah, it's nice. As opposed to Mikoto's VA who also appears in BNHA, as Overhaul. That bustard of a man was out there sounding great while doing such heinous things. And true to what you're saying. And glad that you think that about Tsukishima and his brother and yes to Tsukishima's brother being adorable. He might not be one of my faves but he truly is great and compelling in his own way. Hell yeah to you loving that block so much. I always get emotional when I rewatch it so it's nice to know you appreciate it as well. No problem.

Makes sense. Speaking of good OVA's, I really hope that one day you're able to find a way to watch the Haikyuu!! ones. In total there are 5 but I just recommend two of them (The Arrival of Haiba Lev and VS Failing Grades). Those are the first two and anime only and always make me laugh. And the first one has more Nekoma content so that's a big win, while the second one is what happened just before the two day training camp after the two crows failed their exams. The last two are the Tokyo qualifiers matches and the third one is a recap of the Miyagi qualifies that’s presented as a new program. No problem. Another part of the meme that I forgot to mention is people saying "Nice kill, Tanaka." Oh damn. A broken arm, that sounds horrific so can't blame you for becoming emotional because of it all. Did you still get to see the star player recover later on?

Yeah, I even ended up making a fricking GIF out of that panel so I can show people an accurate representation of my brain. If you know what he says and have read the chapter, can also try to send the GIF to you if you want. Oh gods, Yaku and Noya's relationship is so great. Like how they were towards each other during the match was just everything 😭 I mean, you're not alone. Like you know I have other faves and yes, I always loved seeing Yaku on screen but it was also because I was thinking about him and my OC's relationship (had just started the story so was still figuring stuff out) that he started coming more to the foreground and then Furudate blessed me with his appearance in that chapter and that then became the beginning of the end for me being normal about him. I see. Seeing the Karasuno first-years as second years would have also been really nice. Are the graduated students still seen later on in Yowamushi Pedal or is it all about the first years? That's nice of you but it's just that I've already talked so much about him before in our DM conversation that it feels like I'm kinda going overboard when it comes down to him 😅 Thank you and yeah, some chapters really have a lot going on but since it's from my OC's perspective I write down what I know she would react to. Like sure she's both nervous and enjoying the match at the same time but her bestie receiving the ball amazingly needs to be mentioned. Now I've just got a few more chapters to go so hopefully I'll be done soon. As much as I love the match, it really is a lot and I'll be glad once it's over with. Bokuto would be stoked to hear that. He deserves the title and I even have one of my K OCs call him that when she meets him.

Yeah like even in Karma's first full scene he's smiling like that and it's great. I see. I hope the next year gives you more time for that. No problem 💞 And it's alright, really. It was nice to see that message because it's not something I've ever been told (sure loved but not adored), so it even made me happy, and I immediately realised that I could've worded my message better. So it's on me and the fact that I should've added something to separate those parts of the sentence. But it all turned out alright in the end so no need to feel bad about it, okay.

C

There’s absolutely no need to apologize for the late reply! I’m constantly late in replying to you, but especially so this time. Just getting back into the hang of typing after the recovery and while I’m doing okay, it still hurts to type for as long as I used to and I’m much slower at it. I’m sorry for how long this took to get to you though ☹ But seriously, don’t ever worry about getting back to me super quick. I totally get getting distracted by other things, especially since it was around the holidays when this originally came in and I fully expect you to have lots to do around that time of the year! And thank you so much for understanding around the hiatus, I really appreciate it! I definitely do have a lot on the go – clocking it out, writing every day for at least five hours, I have over a year’s worth of writing to do, on top of my regular job and the fact that I’ve decided that, come January of next year, I’d like to start a new college course that will lead to a further career advancement (and better pay, yay!) but that will take up at least ten additional hours of every one of my weeks. But you were definitely right – my ask box was still open to chatter and talking to all my lovely readers, including you, so you were well within your rights to send this along. It wasn’t too early at all!

Yeah, it kind of sucks because the dub would have sped that watching right along but given how much bad I’ve heard about the English dub, maybe it was a good thing. Crunchyroll had dubs in different languages, but not English, so even they didn’t want to touch the English dub, haha! As for checking out subbed versions, it’s always the last resort for me. I really only use them if there’s an anime I want to or need to watch and there’s no dub available for it. If there’s a dub available, I automatically watch that, just because it’s a lot easier on the eyes and I can actually focus on the show itself. With subs, I’m focused entirely on reading them so I can understand what’s being said and such, so I don’t really get to watch the rest of the screen with all my attention and miss a lot of physical comedy or physical moments that way. Overhaul is definitely a villain and did some heinous things, but I’m going to be honest – I kind of liked him. I found him really interesting to watch and he seemed like someone legitimately scary. I loved hating him and think he was one of my favourite villains within the show, right behind Shigaraki! Knowing Overhaul had Mikoto’s VA is really cool too – it’s interesting that the shows share so many VA’s. I definitely loved that relationship between the two of them and it’s funny – Tsukishima’s brother is one of the very few characters that I actually ship with anyone, because normally that’s the least important thing to me or doesn’t even enter my brain. But I loved the dynamics between Tsuki’s brother and Tanaka’s sister and I think they’d be a cute couple, and thought the end of the manga was setting that up a bit. That’s cool to learn – what other Haikyuu!! moments leave you emotional upon a rewatch? And just for any other readers reading this – if you’re a Haikyuu!! fan, the question is open for anyone to answer!

Thanks for the recommendations! I do love a good OVA, though I definitely skip ones that are simply just either poorly disguised or plain out recaps, so I would have ended up shutting off the Miyagi qualifier recap OVA within the first ten minutes. Knowing that the Tokyo qualifiers aren’t that great of a watch is worth knowing though and I appreciate the tip! I’ll try to see if I can dig up the Lev and falling grades OVAs though – the second one especially sounds hilarious! And it is a moment I have to steel myself for every time that I go to reread the series (like KHR and a couple others, it’s a series I reread at least every other year because I love it so much), but it was really well done and a true emotional moment (I cry a little every time). And you do get to see that star player recover and he eventually goes on to become part of Japan’s team for the World Youth Cup, which was really cool (and one of my favourite arcs).

I would love to see the GIF! Please do send that along 😊 And yes! I think seeing that much mutual respect, that friendly rivalry, seeing them try to impress each other really made me love them so much. They had a fantastic bond with each other and I found that when Karasuno and Nekoma were playing each other, both Noya and Yaku made each other better players and that’s so amazing for the both of them. Really though, Nekoma and Karasuno had great relationships between the two teams and I looked forward to their big battle against each other from the first interaction of the two teams. I do know you have other faves and they’re all lovely as well 😊 I do enjoy the fact we can love completely different characters and still really support each other’s loves and hype them up. I also get how writing the story really brought about a love for the character. I’ve had characters like that in other fandoms, where I was just meh on the character until they showed up in a story I was writing or I had to write them for a request. Where I really only ended up loving them after writing them or brainstorming ideas for them!

And yeah – it would have been a really neat thing to see the first years as second years but I’m really glad that the story went the route it did. The timeskip was really well used and I feel so blessed to see them as grown-ups instead. That was such a treat that I was not expecting! For YowaPeda, you do still see or learn about what some of the former third-years were doing. It’s kind of fun to follow the first-years through their school journey and it really does give the mangaka more time and places to focus on all these vastly different, unique and fun characters (because there’s a shit ton of them!).  Okay, but know the offer is always there 😊 I can definitely get what you mean by some chapters really having a lot going on! Some of Haikyuu’s chapters felt like they should have been 100 pages with all the intense moments or things going on! I can imagine telling it from her perspective does help narrow in on specific things though instead of having to worry about every single thing going on. I look forward to reading it when it comes 😊 Ah, I can imagine Bokuto was super excited, loud, and over the moon when your K OC called him that, haha!

Yes he is! His first scene was so over-the-top in a lot of ways and really set the stage for the character. I knew I would like him right from that scene. Thank you so much for that. Unfortunately, I’m behind in every single one of my plans but I’m trying so, so hard to catch up and will hopefully get there! Thank you for saying that and I’m glad that there’s no issues 😊

[seavoice]

the olympians generational trauma is so so important to me. rick focused a lot on trauma and abuse in toa but he never focused on the fact that for apollo its inherited. he never focused on how it was a cycle and how it all started with ouranos and fathers and sons and wanting to do better and end up succumbing and and and

cruelest thing is that he was so close to touching on it too. in THO, there’s a paragraph about rachel saying they can choose their fate and apollo thinking “i’ve seen thats not possible, i’ve seen people repeat patterns thinking they’re doing something different when they’re just retracing the same paths previous generations took, but there’s something admirable about human persistence.” in TON there was a whole page about how “there never were any good old days since the problems never change as mortals and gods alike carrying their own baggage with them, but we should overcome it and move forward.” like you want to talk about the generational trauma so bad PLEASE DO IT OLD MAN. im on my hands and knees FUCKING DO IT. i don’t believe in the olympian revolution i believe in the olympian revelation PLEASE let them see the pattern and realize they have to change, not so that they can avoid the threat of war, but so they can heal and recover from the trauma they inherited from those that came before them.

SAY that anon!! It's all inherited. They want to change, but no God believes they can! Percy tries to have faith at the end of Last Olympian (a lesson he is quite literally pushed to the edge by Echidna to learn in Lightning Thief), despite Hermes shutting him down, and is paid dust for it. They don't believe it themselves. They don't believe in themselves. Hermes says he doesn't believe they can change. So does Apollo. So do Hades and Zeus and Poseidon and Athena and everyone else -- and even if they do change, it's so small and over so long that they find the world has moved under their feet again. And a lot of it is because they believe they're destined for the same vicious cycle. They wouldn't try so hard to avoid it (and fail) if they didn't.

Riordan really had the bones of a very interesting family story in PJO; clearly by the time he hit ToA he was AWARE that there was a scope for some commentary of generational trauma. He does make allusions to it in Apollo's POV, he's always going on about family therapists and how fear motivates them over love, the whole tyrants are insurmountable monologue. I wish I could quote certain passages because they are certainly...present, but my brain is just too fried at the moment to go searching for them.  But I think at the end of the day, he either felt he didn't want to tackle it overtly or change up the structure of his world building by so much. I think it's a poorer series for not doing so, although at the same time I appreciate that we do not look at the morality of these gods or their (for lack of a nuanced term) trauma, and their familial bonds through an entirely "mortal" perspective. I would rather not have a book long therapy session about this. We had TSATS, and I will do anything to avoid that kind of story LMAO.

I think it's also frustrating that Riordan (despite his many many flaws) comes so close to giving a genuinely fascinating reimagining of godly familial dynamics in a middle grade/YA series. That's why when he falls short of the natural conclusion of like... acknowledging conversations about generational wounds it grates doubly so. That's the great thing about the mythology premise -- it's fertile soil for a fun, monster-fighting series for kids, but it also comes with a meaty backstory to exploit, so to speak!  PJO is about family, over everything -- your chosen one, your lost one, your immortal, messy one. It's about never escaping your shadow, it's about seeing your father's eyes in your son's.

Personally I find it SO great that Zeus kills and entraps and tries to snuff out the prophecy (and the prophecy kids!) because he's scared, he's so paralyzed by fear of destruction and then the real threat is his own bloodthirsty father who hated them. That scene at the beginning of The Lightning Thief when Zeus and Poseidon are fighting and Percy tries to stop them but there's a voice--Kronos!--goading them on? Metaphor city. I wish we kept that energy consistently. It's all in the family, baby!

It's all about the cycles of inescapable tragedy. When you build a kingdom on the ruins of your father who wants to kill you...and instead of breaking the cycle, power and paranoia corrodes you until you propagate it to the extent that you end up afraid not of yourself becoming your father, but of your son becoming YOU. When you've lost the plot so so bad.

[bergeronprocess]

This prompt is from The Learning Network at the NYT. This is clearly designed for use by teachers in classrooms, but hey, we’re all students in the school of life, so here’s the PDF of 500 prompts: https://static01.nyt.com/images/blogs/learning/pdf/2014/500PromptsNarrativeAndPersonalWriting.pdf 

9/23/24

How productive and organized are you?

I find that I am actually getting much more organized lately, especially at work. There’s always so much going on and so many different projects happening simultaneously, so I am always taking notes, making checklists, curating calendars, creating filing systems and so on. Last year, I successfully moved everything on my work computer from internal server-based storage into cloud-based storage. That took quite some doing, but it was well worth it, especially when I briefly needed to work from home as my mom recovered from knee replacement surgery at my house. I also created systems for labeling and filing away different kinds of documents, making them much easier for me to refer back to later.

Recently, we’ve been starting to incorporate Microsoft Loop into the rotation of things we’re using to keep our projects together - and I’m enjoying it so much that I even sought out and watched videos to learn more about the service. I really enjoy the work I do, but I guess if I were to think about a big-time career change (not just doing what I do now but elsewhere), I’d consider looking into project management or something like that.

Which is very funny considering that, in my school days, I was often forced into the role of “the one kid who ends up doing everything in the group project because everyone else slacks off” and I resented that. I didn’t want my own grades to suffer, so I did the work, but I wasn’t happy about it. Things have changed, haven’t they? Now I enjoy being the one with all the filing systems, checking in on projects, taking notes. 

I’ve even started to use a pen-and-paper planner after years of just putting things in the calendar on my phone. I do still do that also, but in addition to that, I have a Hobonichi Techo Weeks planner. My coworker put me on to it. She had a spare blue leather cover for a Weeks planner and gave it to me near the end of last year, inspiring me to head over to Kinokuniya and purchase a 2024 planner to go in it. I enjoy using it and also write about good things that happen every day on one side of the weekly layout. I do wish they had included a 366th day in the daily check-off page, though. Like, how do you manage to forget 2024 is a leap year? It’s literally on the calendar. You are a planner company. Plan for it!

Another organization project I am working on, though just bit-by-bit, is organizing my photos and backing them up to a portable hard drive. I’m going through each year’s photos, as downloaded from Google Takeout, and removing any ones that are blurry or whatnot. I’m also putting memes into a different folder. That process is slower going, but it’s in progress.

I think all this organization is good for my brain, too. I’m prone to anxiety, the fear that I am forgetting about something, and if I don’t write things down then I’m afraid they will just fade away and disappear from my brain like deleting data from a video game memory card. The processes - writing things down, making lists, keeping calendars, taking notes - are all therapeutic in their own way and contribute to my productivity at work and in my personal life.

[flipping-the-coin]

[Inquisitorial Report: Subject - Megatron of Kaon]

[Authorization Level: Alpha (Elite Guard Selective)]

[Listed Authorizations: Head Elite Guardsman Smokescreen, Chaplain Paradox]

[Assigned Inquisitor: Hush]

[15 Vorns after Cybertron's Restoration - Five Stellar-cycles into assignment]

═════════════════

I hesitate to write this report due to what I have seen Brother Chaplain Paradox. I fear that speaking to Sister Chaplain Nightcase and Brother Chaplain Wreckwar may be required in light of these events...

The Lord Steward... he was not in his right mind. I was made aware of his imminent arrival and waited on the roof of Megatron's residence so that if need be, I could jump down and intervene. The Steward arrived on time, but he paused a ways off from the entrance and smoked from his cigar as if his life depended on it. He looked like he was burning himself with it too, jamming the burning end into his arm guards and wincing before continuing to smoke. Only once he burnt away at the cigar did he throw it into the nearest disposal shute, pull out a bottle of high grade, and take a hefty swig of it. He promptly tied the bottle to his waist in a wartime energon canister and THEN knocked on the door.

He looked dead inside quite frankly. The Steward's field was kept close but I could sense it as it flared periodically. He was angry, distressed, exhausted, and grieving. He was hurting so much Brother Chaplain. I know Chaplain Wreckwar and Nightcase are handling the Templar and the Inquisitors, but they need to know. Something needs to be done to held the Steward. What I saw... it haunts me, it hurts my very spark to see. He's fallen, he's aching, and he is so very cruel in ways I had no idea were even conceivable for him.

He pushed past Megatron with a snarl and entered the living room gruffly. His plating was flared and he looked anything but professional as he laid out his tools and grabbed Orion's arm to swiftly jab a needle in. Archivist Pax gave no consent, nor did he have time to react before the Steward ripped the needle out, grumbled something, and moved on. Megatron came to sit beside Orion on the couch but I wasn't able to see much else until I got back into my internal hiding place. But once I got there, I saw enough to write this report and BEG to be recalled.

The Steward was harsh as he took scans, pocked and prodded, moved around Orion's plating in ways that had to be uncomfortable to the point of bordering on hurt, and overall being a horrible medic according to the books. It was painful to watch the blatant disregard for Orion's personal space, his preferences, and even his Conjunx. Megatron wasn't given a word in unless he practically forced it by keeping the Steward from acting. The tension in the room was so thick I could have sworn it would kill an average mech. But that wasn't the worst part. No no no, is was the mental exam that showed me just how desperately our Lord Steward needs help.

It was horrible to watch. The Steward asked all sorts of pointed questions and left no room for maneuverability. He didn't care for Orion's comfort at all and merely took a swig of his high grade whenever something seemed to make him upset. The questions were things such as "What was it exactly that made being within the Matrix most unbearable?", "Why did you decide to make your opinion known through pain responses?", and "Do you feel any guilt at all?". Even by the standards of the guard, that's too much. Orion has only JUST begun to recover, I would know, I can see how much he screams from nightmares. It was torture to observe as Orion cringed but answered honestly. Megatron quite frankly looked ready to punt the Steward through a wall and... I can't blame him. The Steward was cruel in his word usage and glared with the hatred of a thousand stars whenever Orion answered honestly.

Brother.... Brother please, I can't stay here. Orion spoke so deeply on everything. He... He hurt our Prime, but he couldn't be heard, it was the only way he knew how to speak. Our Prime either didn't listen or didn't know and so suffered as Orion fought to be free and to protect his Conjunx. Is that not understandable? Why do we hate him so much? He wanted to be free! He wanted to protect what he loved! Is that not what we do every single cycle? I don't know what to think Brother. I want to leave I can't....

The Steward's field hurt and what really frightened me... he... he tried to KILL Orion Pax. When Orion spoke on his views of Optimus Prime and how he saw our Lord as a jailer and a parasite, the Steward tried to stab him before Megatron caught him. The Steward screamed and flailed like a madmech! He tried to fight as if he were on the battlefield and in the end he was nearly choked out before he fell to the ground. He collected his things after spitting enough cruel and horrendous things to make me blanch. He grabbed his bag and stormed out leaving Orion to bite back tears and Megatron to try and comfort him. I have never seen a mech look so vengeful Brother. The Steward genuinely looked insane with how his optics cycled erratically and flashed.

It was WRONG. I want to come home. Please Brother, bring me home. I need my kin, I need the safety of the guard and to pray to our Prime and Creator. I can't take this.

═════════════════

[Report Received: Visibility Status - Seen]

[Note from Chaplain Paradox:

Return and report to Chaplain Nightcase effective immediately. Tell her everything and then cleanse yourself of these things. Your memory files must be uploaded and training recommended. There will be no negotiation on this front. What you have seen is sensitive information. ]

[Additional Note from Head Elite Guardsman Smokescreen [Security level Alpha]:

Your orders are overridden. Return and report to me immediately. I will explain everything. Your station has become far more volatile Hush. You are now wrapped up in something far bigger than yourself.]

[loveletterstothepast]

Plus Size.

When I was younger I was constantly under the influence of people in my life telling me how I was so much bigger than everyone else. Sometimes I try to understand what that means now. When I look back at that girl, she was tiny. Her arms thin, her ribs popping out. What caused the burden of caring so much about my weight at such a young age? Why did no one protect me?

To be a woman, even as a young girl is to preform. It’s walking a tight wire to appease so many people, your parents and your peers. You want to be beautiful, smart, kind. It’s expected of us to be all those things and so much more. My mom, will always be along side my first bully who ironically enough was my first love. She would nitpick the way I looked and dressed and would pull my hair back so tight that my eyes felt like they would pop out of my head. She dressed me up like a little doll in pinks and purples and made me wear clothes that looked like hers, a little mini me. She sent me to school like that, where he was and he would tease me relentlessly. That I looked stupid and fat. That my face was ugly. Everything about me being so ugly to him always ate at me.. until eating suddenly started being less important. I spent years trying to slim down further unable to get to the skinny I desperately wanted to be. My face was the same, I was still ugly. My hair was too wild and frizzy, my forehead was too large my cheeks to chubby, my eyes too small. My stomach too big my thighs too large. What would I give to look like the girls in my grade. What I wouldn’t give to finally be beautiful.

My mom claims she never knew, that I did it all behind her back and hid it well, that boy swore to all who asked why he was ever cruel to me that he LOVED me. That I was the world to him and that he could never say those things because I was all he had ever wanted. They’re both disgusting liars. My mom did know about what grief she caused my young body, she watched it happen day by day the eating less and the thinning out. The crying about my clothes and my natural growth. The freaking out as my body developed from a girls to a woman’s. And as for that boy, he’ll always know what he did and will never confess to it, all his life he’ll be that person. It’s saddening to know that two people caused such a deep ache that lasted far too long in my life. Something I can’t fix properly, something that I do not feel comfortable knowing I experienced it and sometimes fall back in the rabbit hole.

I’m an adult now, and the hardest part is knowing that having children back to back, ruined my body. I’m the heaviest I have ever been at a wopping 230 pounds. A goal to lose weight but the inability to do so due to lack of time, no trust worthy baby sitter, lack of motivation and worst of all, postpartum depression. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to make it happen without help, and my help is happy and lazy in his now soft body that he’s always wanted all while I try and see no results. To be plus sized actually and not know how to dress with confidence, to be in this skin knowing I did something I had never thought I would do is the hardest thing, harder than having the baby, harder than recovering from the c-section. It’s lonely too. While my friends go out and have fun and are comfortable in their body’s, I’m left wondering why I let myself go. What could I have done to make this better? Why didn’t I actually try harder to lose the weight? Why can’t I commit now?

Life as a woman is a performance, I’m between being a good present loving mother and being physically attractive again to people who view me. I could do both but it’s so exhausting being the only one working hard at every waking moment, it would be nice if there were more hours in the day to make it all happy comfortably, but that’s not the case and I’m not like my mom. I want to be here. One day, I’ll be able to have the support to do what I need and want when it comes to my weight journey. One day, I’ll be the woman I know I could be. She may never be skinny like the teenager I used to be, but in the very least, she could feel comfortable in her clothes again, look pretty when she goes out, and has the confidence to enjoy being in her own skin. Until then, this is my life and I wish it wasn’t so jarring to admit or confess, but it is.

[batbluud]

I related so strongly to those tags about prayer tbh. I grew up in a nonreligious household and basically my only exposure to religion growing up was like. Westboro Baptist protestors and televangelists and the Pope and whoever in the news all saying that I was gonna go to hell. so I wouldn't say I have religious trauma per se but I never ever got to experience any positive side to the Church or to religion until I began learning more about other cultures as a young adult, listening to Jewish friends explain their beliefs, reading books about Buddhism and Shinto, and exploring more of the metaphysics side of philosophy in college. but even so I've never felt like I could really pray. sometimes I feel like maybe something bigger than myself is speaking to me, but I don't know whether it's God, some fragment of my own brain brought out by mental illness, or whether I just do edibles too often, so that's neither here nor there - I don't really Know the way so many people seem to do. I don't know what I believe in and I'm not sure whether I'll ever know or not. it's lonely sometimes so it's nice to know others have similar feelings. I want to understand so badly but I don't think I ever will.

yeah. sometimes i worry i yap too much in the tags on this website, but i'm really happy that my 6am ramblings resonated with you. my family was mostly secular, we celebrated christmas and easter and such but mostly just the commercial "easter bunny and santa" versions of those holidays. when i was growing up i had a friend who lived across the street from me that had born-again christian parents and i am 100% convinced those people were evil incarnate in human skin. my parents were abusive but they were nothing compared to the shitbags my friend had to live with. constantly spewing bile and hate in the name of their god and gave their "blood" kid (my friend was a stepchild) preferential treatment. i genuinely think that radicalized me from a very young age. eventually they banned her from seeing me when i came out as trans. word somehow got back to them that she was bi and they blamed me i guess.

i never really recovered from that until i met someone in the 6th grade. she was so kind to me despite everyone else shunning me (i had come out at a very young age, like, twelve or thirteen, and nobody really knew how to react at the time). her family were practicing sikhs (if i am remembering that correctly) and i constantly had to hear other people (mostly girls) at the time talk behind her back about her hair, the way she spoke, or the way she dressed. i grew up in a very upper middle class white area so lots of the people i went to school with were demons. she was an angel among them. she taught me how to write my name in arabic, some other basic words and she also showed me a sikh prayer. it was the first genuinely positive interaction with religion i ever had. i think of her often. she was wonderful. i longed for the type of bond she had not just with her family but with her faith. i knew i could never really have that kind of connection after everything i went through (if you pray to god for your mommy to come home after a bender in the middle of the night enough times, even your little child brain realizes at some point no one is answering). like, i could go to church and do the song and dance, but i know it's not going to do anything for me. and man sometimes i really wish it did.

[skincraft-by-alex]

Tinted my own brows on Friday, today my skin was so depleted that I used my free time in class to give myself a little light acid facial.

Most of what I used today was from Rhonda Allison, and some of what I used is professional grade only so you can’t really get them for home use.

I used the Creamy Milk Cleanser to start with, and the Maui Cleanser for my second. I love the Milk Cleanser, and wanted to see how my sensitive skin would handle the Maui Cleanser since it’s still within the sensitive skin range of products. I actually really liked it! It smelled like a tiki bar (yum). I did feel really dried out and tight after cleansing, but that had more to do with how depleted my barrier was today since I didn’t do a hydrating mask this weekend.

I also wanted to see how my skin would take the Mint Papaya Enzyme since it’s just one step more intense than what I normally use, and it kinda smelled like Vicks. The spa protocol I based my facial on today uses a dermabrasion before the enzyme, but since I was trying out 2 products that were a little more intense than usual for me I felt like it would have been too much. I used an LED light wand here as well to boost my redness control.

For my toner I went with the Mandelic Defense Lotion for hydration and antioxidant support.

For my serums I used the Sensitive Skin Complex, Therapy E, and Amino Peptide Serum. Since my skin was so fragile today I went with all healing boosters, but I was still stinging a fair amount. Nothing I used today after the enzyme should have even tingled at all, which means my barrier is really damaged. I probably shouldn’t have even used an enzyme at all tbh.

For my recovery mask I used the 12 Flower Mask, which I just love because it’s fairly hydrating and has great antioxidant support. It’s one of my go-to’s for everyone since it’s also gentle enough for the most sensitive or traumatized skin. I also used some chilled ice globes for some cool therapy to further combat my chronic redness and calm my skin down before putting any acids.

For my acids I used the Cell Conditioner for some intense healing boost, and Melanin Suppressant for scar reduction. I’m recovering from some hormonal acne and I don’t want them to take forever to heal and then end up scarring bright pink. These professional use only products are gentle enough to be left on the skin and typically shouldn’t cause any redness on their own. They only did on me because I have rosacea and an impaired barrier, but even then most of my visible redness was more from the walk home than anything else.

After giving myself another dose of the same serums as before, I used Dermalogica’s Barrier Repair moisturizer to lock everything in. It’s a professional use only silicone based product from their UltraCalming line, and I really wish it was available on the retail side since it’s so good for chronically traumatized skin like mine. It feels like nothing, lasts pretty much all day, and leaves a lovely matte finish.

SPF is a *must* everyday, but it’s *especially* important when using brightening products like a Melanin Suppressant. Brightening products across the board make your skin more sun sensitive, so you really do have to be on top of your sun protection when you use them or else risk burning even more than usual and making your pigmentation worse. I went with the class favorite, Dermalogica’s Dynamic Skin Recovery SPF 50 from their Age Smart line.

All in all, the goal of this facial was to really boost my healing and scar prevention to repair my barrier and keep those post acne spots healing correctly. I want to do a more intense acid treatment next week, but if my skin stays fragile like this then I’ll just have to do something lighter again.

[wakuseicloset]

ranting about everything post 😶 i will spare you all unless you would like to opt into my suffering

Sorry this shit is literally so embarrassingly #long omg i feel fucking wacko but i had to get it out so here is my unhinged rant

I kinda feel like i'm only now recovering from this weird burnout/depression slump i've been in for the past year and i'm glad i'm getting motivation back before i have to do my QE or whatever but man

I just have so much to do every day and like i feel like there aren't enough hours in the day 😭 like technically if i was willing to do work for 12 hours or whatever i could be ahead of schedule... But like i'm literally not capable of doing that. I can be on campus from like 10-5 and then go home and squeeze another 1-2 hours of productivity from my body and then i literally just cannot do anything else like i can't focus

It's just like... Man i know that's a completely normal way to feel as a human being but like there is just so much going on right now that it's hard to keep up... Like i gotta write my qualifying paper, start my dissertation proposal... Teach 2 discussion sections every week... Grade 70 homeworks every week... Revise this paper for this journal... Contact my committee members... Meet with people... Hold office hours... (that last one is a joke nobody comes) and at the same time i haven't even been thinking about my career after graduating and transitioning into industry and i barely have attended any conferences and i'm so behindddd

I just have this weird resentment towards some other people in my cohort sometimes like why are you guys on top of your shit. It's not fair lol. And sometimes i literally am just lazy or too anxious to do basic things i need to do but . YALL... STOP WORKING SO MUCH PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU PLEASE

Never mind the fact that whenever i see certain ppl from home theyre like "So when are you done" and none of them even know what i do or care at all 😭😭😭😭😭 like oh my god and when i try to explain it's like "im too stupid to understand" no you just don't give a fuck! you want me to move back home asap and don't care to learn anything about what my actual life is like down here!!!!!!!!!! bro!!!!!!!!!!!!

i swear like they'll be like "so are you gonna move back here when you're done" and im like "idk it depends on where i get a job! i might stay in CA!" and theyre just like "well im sure you can find something in seattle" idk it's well meaning but i havent lived up there for 7 years and i honestly just don't have the attachment to being there beyond it being where my mom family and grandma lives. like i got friends everywhere. im the friend master. i could live anywhere. im like a geography chameleon. im sorry i just have other things to prioritize

Idk it just all boils down to doing a phd is really hard and nobody knows how hard it is except people who are doing it or have done it. That's not to say it's objectively harder than other types of work it's just its own special brand of hard that is not relatable and nobody cares about. AND IT SUCKS!!!! CARE HARDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bonesandthebees]

Oh my god, I'm almost less salty about Tumblr eating my asks because spruce provided with such good content.

Still salty though. Ugh, I didn't even save them anywhere else, so I'd have to retype it all. Sorry bee!! I guess it'll have to wait longer :/

Duuude, that's it?? The electricity I have to do is so much worse. Circuits that change with time, inductors, AC currents and the fact that frequencies and waves somehow start becoming involved? I wish all I had to do was Kirchhoff circuits.

I agree so much with everything spruce and you mentioned about STEM courses!! Honestly I love science, and I have an original story of mine which uses a lot of the concepts I've learned. But I absolutely detest how it's taught, so badly.

(Big hugs for spruce, that's got to be so rough to deal with. Sending you a special set of virtual cookies!!)

And, yeah. Not lab reports, I have less intensive lab work, but I've spent upto 10-12 hours in class on some days. But the course I've taken is sort of known for its special hell, I guess I dug myself that hole?

Lockdown really messed with a lot of us, didn't it? As someone who bases their entire self worth on their academic validation, it hurts my soul how badly my grades dropped. They're still only recovering and it sends me into major spirals sometimes.

- ❄️

(1/2)

this itself is an older ask now but I'm so sorry tumblr ate your asks snowflake that's literally heartbreaking

oh my god that is so much electricity circuit stuff to do. that sounds like my worst nightmare. wtf. i'm so sorry how are you surviving

all the hugs for spruce <33

oh god 10-12 hours a DAY?? wtf snowflake. one of my longest classes I had was a lab that could go for up to 4-5 hours give or take depending on whatever experiment we were running, but usually those had a lot of downtime so the majority of those hours was just spent on my phone waiting for my electrophoresis gel to run. yes I'd have other classes on those days, but usually only 1 or 2 in the morning that were an hour long each, so it wasn't too bad. but the lab reports sucked ugh. still sounds worse for you though.

god. yeah. covid fucked with so many students in so many ways

[fappellmoan]

the extent of my flop is that im failing a class based on completion rn. we have had two (2) assignments so far