#and like they did mention that if the leave gets approved i wont have access to my work accounts until im approved to return

[savethepinecones]

hm

[theday]

Those feelings are perfectly valid. It doesn't make you petty just because you still feel this way while some have moved on; people feel and deal with things differently. I don't know how you feel about these feelings of yours, but try not to beat yourself about it. Hopefully he'll apologize if he gets the chance. If he doesn't, I hope these feelings leave eventually.

For the Jae situation (if you’re talking about the song) I think it’s unfortunate that the song he recommended has such problematic lyrics. My stomach was twisting the whole time I was reading them and to know that he thought it was appropriate to recommend it didn’t make that it any better. I try my best not to blindly love bands or idols but a part of me thought that he was going to apologize. It’s been almost a week but I don’t think I’ve seen anything yet. This has me feeling torn at this (1)

point. This might be biased but I suggest having a bit of faith in him perhaps? Based on his personality (from what we can see anyway) I feel like he wouldn’t leave a topic like this untouched on purpose, especially if he knew that my days were upset about it. I understand that it can be unsettling to have one of your favorite people do something that rubs you the wrong way without any closure to disappate those negative feelings. Even if you do continue to feel badly towards him, know that (2)

hi anon!! how are you i didnt really expect anyone to talk about it bc i have v few day6 mutuals but thank you for bringing it up!!! i have talked about this before in an ask i answered on my main blog (thought it doesnt relate to the topic at all so ill just copy and paste what i said) under cut bc this will get long!

as of november 6:

so something (refer to the song he said suits myday) happened with jae recently and ive seen fans trying to defend him by @ing him and saying that they love him which is fine - great even! but what i dont approve is how everyone’s basically forgotten about the whole matter because they had concerts so instead of @-ing him and asking him to explain himself, they tell him what a great concert it was which is also great bc their concerts are honestly amazing. basically my pet peeve is when ppl dismiss the problematic action of some people just bc they like them.

another thing is that there were some fans who started guilting others for wanting to drop day6 completely because of what jae did and in my opinion i think it is totally cool to want to drop a group if they did smth bad like??? its ur life???? u can choose who you want to like. what is not cool is pulling out all the good things the person has ever done in their entire life and try to remind others about the positive sides of the person. yes. they’re an encouraging person, etc. but that does not cancel out the bad things they’ve done until they explain/apologise. what is infuriating is just the manner some people took it?? they literally went ahead and tweeted shit like “would your parents drop you if you did smth wrong?” and “you’re seriously gonna drop someone whos been nothing been nice because of one incident?” yes. people will and you dont have any fucking right to stop them? so dont go pulling out receipts.

another thing. its also okay to want to stan the whole group even if someone has done smth problematic. like? to me youre cool if youre able to see and acknowledge the bad shit someone has done and still stand by their side while educating them at the same time its nice to have faith in your idols. however, i wont say much when your idols dont respond and/or respond in a way that shows absolutely no remorse. its cool if you want to support them too, despite that.

tldr; dont fucking excuse someone’s behaviour/action just because youre so far up their fucking ass. dont pull out shit from before either, be it good or bad. and lastly, its okay to want to drop/continue supporting them, its your life.

i just wanted to talk about this tbh,, it was nice to see a few mydays trying to urge jae to explain the whole situation but seeing as he still hasnt and couldve it really irks me :-/

okay update its been a day and i havent really thought about this but im kinda conflicted now bc jae still hasnt talked about the song and im probably just making a big deal out of smth that will never happen again but it really doesnt sit right with me knowing that jae recommended that song to his fans and said it suited mydays?? bc looking at the lyrics… i SURE hope not… idk i have neither forgiven or forgotten but he’s okay now.? i cant stay mad at someone for that long anyway ill never forgive him 4 it though lmao petty ppl only

 jae’s still an amazing person to me with all the encouraging words he says to mydays but this one incident is just soOOOOO hrm 

okay so that ^ was like 4 days ago and it was answering a question on pet peeves so it didnt really have to do much with jae at all sorry for making u read that the second last paragraph is probably the most relevant whoops anyway

ive already said this but thank you so much for coming to my ask to talk (? though its mostly to reassure) about this with me because on twitter where i follow more mydays, i barely saw anyone talking about it and as i mentioned above it really bothered me :-/ everyone has different ways of responding to it so ill let that slide because there may be people who still want to enjoy day6′s music without having to deal with anythng “problematic” idk i cant speak for those fans who keep quiet about it but this isnt about other mydays its about jae and 

the fact that he’s been active on twitter since the release of the november magazine but has yet to speak about it also bothers me and its not smth i can just brush aside because like you said the lyrics are fucking terrible and has upset at least 2 people??? (which is completely understandable, the lyrics are trash along with the artist but i doubt jae knows about the shit the artist has done) from what i managed to catch on twitter idk about others and i posted a message on fans here because he has said that they do check fans so im hoping he ends up seeing it soon assuming he doesnt know about how the song distresses some mydays (i think most people have stopped @ing him about it at this point) and ill try to keep tweeting him??

i check the jae_day6 tweets and there are barely any tweets about the whole thing which is sad :-( so im just giving him as you said, the benefit of doubt and i believe that once jae finds out he’ll speak about it because jae is still the kind, encouraging person to mydays and i dont want something like this to change my opinion of him although it did eventually since i cant look jae (and pictures of him) the same way :-/ it probably has to do with the fact that i get influenced really easily by what others think?? and this time bc of what i think i ended up reacting negatively/not at all to jae things and i mean it sucks??? but i know that its okay to feel the way i do since we havent gotten any sort of explanation whatsoever 

anon i hope youre doing much better and even if you harbour any negative feelings towards jae too i want you to know that it’s really alright to feel that way like you said!!!! it makes me a feel a bit better that i have done my part to try and get jae to notice the mistake he’s made and i just hope he’ll talk about it eventually because he has so many opportunities to apologize/discuss the matter (vlive, twitter, fans) theres also music access which i will try and tune in to next monday so i can leave a comment (id feel bad for bernard though since hes the main dj)

once again thank you so much for being kind enough to reassure me and im glad it gave you a chance to talk about this too because something like this isnt something i can forget easily and i hope you have a good day because youre really great!!!!! i love you and its amazing that you believe in jae idk i think youre amazing!!!! 

[hbwidfimoufq-blog]

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[themoneybuff-blog]

External Validation and Personal Finance

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The discussion about this question ended up boiling down to this: What would you do in a world where you had zero access to external validation? So, lets be clear for a second: external validation means that your sense of pride is derived from the approval others show of your behavior. Your sense of feeling good about something you did comes from what other people think of it, not from what you think of the inherent worth of what you did. On the other hand, internal validation means that your sense of pride is derived from your own internal sense of having done the right thing. You feel good about yourself because you know you did the right thing. Most of us go through our lives guided by a mix of internal validation and external validation. What if there was no external validation? What if there was no one around to applaud when you did something that they deemed good, and no one around to frown when you did something that they deemed bad? What would you do? 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[itsyybitsyyspersonalthoughts]

Journal Entry #3

After this ramble I will make an organized chart of experiences, and social upbringing and genetic traits to dissect and put together reasons why I act the way I do. Just to narrow down and try to attempt to find out if what I feel is a mental disorder or due to upbringing. 

You know, I sometimes try to tell myself there is nothing wrong with me. That I am completely normal and all I am experiencing is  normal. I sometimes think am I really feeling this way or am I just acting this way. I over analyze my thoughts and actions. There are people with more crippling conditions than me. 

Maybe I dismiss criticalness of my emotions because I haven’t been properly diagnosed so I cant truly believe that what I am experiencing isn’t normal. Is this the control aspect of me taking over? My NEED to know if what I am feeling is abnormal? Do I have an increased desire to need to know what is normal and what isn’t because I am an only child and didn’t have much guidance about what is normal and what isn’t or have any friends to compare and talk about what is normal or not. Do I really have OCD? Does this affect me by increasing my risk for developing an eating disorder? Do I truly have an eating disorder? I have never been officially diagnosed with anything. It has always been mentioned but I don’t know I haven’t been told directly. I need to have someone be clear with me. I don’t like it when people are not specific. Ambiguity is not my favorite thing in the world. Is it because I have low comprehension? Is my low intelligence due to my father/genetics? Maybe I’m not meant to continue education its like a genetic cast system. By this I mean my genetic traits have determined what I will amount to, rather than the social influence of one who lives in a cast system.

 But back to my intelligence, I truly believe I am mentally disabled in the way of having an impaired cognitive function or even motor disfunction. I can’t make my body move in the way I wan’t it to fast enough. Am I just uncoordinated? My mother said Momo is like that too. This only brings more agony to me because I feel trapped in my body. I cannot express movement, emotion, sound effectively and everything feels bottled up. I don’t have a social outlet. I don’t fit in with my age group. I don’t understand them. 

When I was younger there was always such a huge age gab between me and my family. I couldn’t sit with my mom and listen in on adult conversations and I was either ten years older or ten years younger than my cousins.

My evidence:

with cello- I was never able to express how I thought a piece should sound through my instrument. It made me so frustrated. 

high school gym- my teacher had me stay late after class with another girl (my friend) to participate in a study regarding the performance abnormalities. My friend was asked to swim a certain stroke, but before she did she was asked to explain what she was going to do, do it and then explain what she did when she returned. I had to do the same thing but a different stroke, but she had my friend leave and get changed because we were already being held behind. 

However, I am becoming frustrated with myself because I have these thoughts all day it takes over and I feel like it is taking over. I can’t concentrate in class. I am always thinking about calories. I body check several times a day. I plan my day around how many calories I will burn and consume. I park farther away from class and the gym so I have to walk more therefor burn off more calories. I make excuses to walk to my car. I have noticed I binge on weekends. My excuse to binge is that I tell myself I should eat it all now so I wont be able to later and I will be forced to eat minimally and healthy. 

I am disgusted by my roommates eating habits and weight. I have noticed I cannot remember things as I used to. Is this because of the eating disorder? Am I depressed? Am I bipolar? DO I have OCD? Do I have anxiety? Everyone seems to have anxiety now which makes me question if this is truly an imperative disorder or are we becoming more sensitive as a society due to our rearing that we have all become such sensitive and offended fucks? I don’t believe I get offended as people do now. I have trouble reading and understanding social cues but at the same time I don’t? Maybe I don’t know the exact words for what I am trying to get across that I cant explain it effectively. I hate tests that use absolute words. Because I will remember a piece of something that will not be true in one of the options but will be true in the rest but I will have to explain why I put an answer because of how the question is worded.

 I like problems that make you have to consider and think about other influencing factors. I think I am creative enough to be able to come up with reasons why a particular group may be thinking or feeling or acting out in a certain way. I believe I am just uneducated about specific cultural/community/social//religious values which really blocks me from being able to dabble in these. I love controversial topics. I love knowing information on both sides and discussing well maybe x is doing this because of a but y interprets a as 1. 

in 3rd grade on the night before our mission project was due (I remember because I waited to do it on the last minute and I made my mission out of cardboard boxes from Costco and colored a coloring page from the mission that I had been sent by the mission because Momo wrote to them about getting more information about it. Mom said that if my nose grew to be like my fathers she would pay to have me get a nose job. 

One day my mom made me french toast and my father made a comment saying “mama is trying to fatten you up” and before I took a bite I put my fork down and went to my room and closed the door. 

My dad has a thing for “big women” and expresses that all the time. He shames everyone for their appearance. EX red hair, clothing style, having glasses on facing backwards. He always says that people should just shave their head of they are balding in one area or have a receding hairline.

Area- I was never good at math problems that dealt with 3D objects or had to do with any geometry or spacial problems. 

I remember in elementary school I started catching clips of those health shows that are on at like 3pm about how to stay healthy and not get sick and lose weight. One tip was to keep an arms length away from meat sections but I swore I lost 8lbs from that. I would also count calories. 

My mom would always complain seriously about how it isn’t fair that my father eats three times as much as her but she is still :fat: but she doesn’t realize the lifestyle she lives keeps her there- she thinks she is doing a crazy amount of walking, but her restaurant store is very small, mine was twice as large. -here is me coming up with reasons why she thinks its unfair and what is really going on- so I would walk as much just being an expediter in four hours as she would being a server in 6. She also eats extremely high calorie desserts daily and lays on her ass.  I analyze my mothers personality and have found her weaknesses-driving reaction time, ability to deal with stress.

I hate the way she licks and sucks her fingers and makes humming noises about how good something was-Ive already analyzed why i feel this way

when I was in physiology we were learning about hormone imbalances and it made me suspect she had cushings syndrome because she displayed signs of the condition.

 During a holiday my cousin came over and he called my mom fat, it made me extremely angry because you don’t go up to people and say things like that so I hit him. 

My grandmother talks about how others are no good for society, she says she doesn’t believe my cousin will get anything other that working in food service because she is too boring and plain looking. She doesn’t believe Nick will get into UCI. What doesn’t she believe I will do? I heard her say “we will just be happy if she gets a degree” but degrees don’t mean shit anymore. What if I fail? Don’t succeed? I am the only child. I believe it puts a lot pf pressure on me. They’ve invested so much in me but what if I just cant do it? I don’t feel like I can do it because I am not all mentally there, I am too distracted by other thoughts. Which can prove that the overall health of the population affects access education and income resulting in education levels. 

I used to be so eager to learn. My favorite class was community health issues at LBCC. I have lost my motivation. I cant concentrate. I am not  intrigued by the information. I just want to sit on the floor and lay down all day. But then where would I burn the extra calories.

I feel happy and energetic when I work at my new job-they hate cynical which I am afraid I am but I am not when I work there I am very positive and happy despite talking to myself all the time. I think I talk out loud because I need that confirmation that what I am doing is correct. Again this can be related to being an only child and seeking approval. On my chart I will have “ONLY CHILD” as a category with a bullet list of traits that can be linked with me being an only child and a sub category of parent reaction and rearing because I was the only one. 

I  feel drained and dead when I am at home but I crave the company. I am alone. But that isn’t new. I have always felt this way so I don’t believe it is simply moving related but I am sure it is intensified. 

I have been experiencing strange body reactions. Leg and arm get that feeling where I need to extend it in a position it wont move. stretching and exercise don’t allow it to subside. I have been bleeding between my period for a week ad a half  after I saw a counselor and cried I felt happier and more talkative. I am usually irritated by talking on the phone. The way my roommate words things irritates me. “my friend” or when Im asked “what did you do all day” or “what do you think” right after saying something that is the obvious answer like why are you asking me what I think you just gave yourself the answer why do you talk about.

I cant sleep with constricting/restricting clothing like bras or leggings or long sleeves.  what is the difference between constricting and restriction (just for my understanding)

I have to stop for tonight. my left pinky feels numb and tingly and so does my left had and it is making it difficult for me to type. I am feeling restless too. I cant keep typing in a small squished position. the side of my pinky finger feels over used. 

this is just a small rant of topics to help me remember what I wan’t to go into depth in my blog to help me analyze my thoughts..

I want my first topic to be on my self diagnosed “eating disorder”and how it has physically affected my body and my worries about possible thyroid interference.

to be continued...