#and like i've read some things that led me to believe this lmao so like. im just gonna stay questioning what i am for other ppl

[bixiaoshi]

.

[shigarakisslutbag]

Also I don't trust anyone that thinks shigaraki is an entirely hateful character. Like yes, he's obviously hateful towards a lot of things LOL. But he's shown he cares for those that support him multiple times

He just doesn't show it in the way I think people *expect* him to. But he cares quite a lot. I find it even more endearing that it's clear that he cares for the members of the league without having to say it. We LOVE a king who knows actions speak better than words.

I also really don't think he's incapable of having a partner? A lot of people would say it's out of character (which would be true for earlier seasons maybe?), but I think the reason he doesn't have any feelings like that for people is

1.) he had no idea of what a good relationship looked like growing up. he was 5 when everything happened. And even if he didn't accidentally kill his family?? His dad was abusive and emotionally unavailable. If he had led a "normal" life, it would've been incredibly hard to unlearn what he was taught love was. I think his mom would've been the only reason, if she were alive, that he would know what love and connection felt like, had they not died.

2.) no one (to my knowledge. I haven't read the manga), has really complimented him. Told him he was pretty. Said they were proud. Even if someone did compliment him looks wise, no one has pointed out good qualities he has (at least up until the league regarding positive traits he has (personality, leadership qualities, intelligence). And even then, one of the first things he heard from dabi was an insult to his face. I love dabi but that still makes my eye twitch 🙃)

I'm not saying praise, validation, or compliments would fix everything. But ohmygod. If someone would just be genuine and tell him that they believe and support his successes, or listen and talk to him like a human, it'd probably send him into a different, slightly healthier mindset.

One reason I absolutely love the friendship/relationship between spinner and shigaraki. He just needs some verbal support and someone who listens (me too LOL). He deserves so much idc. No just spinner either.

I'm a shigaraki supporter first, and a human second🙂‍↕️. Also I do apologize if some of my I formation doesn't seem very correct, it's been a while since I've watched it, and I do not read the manga 🥲. Even if some of my facts don't stand though, I am a very firm believer that with more attention or someone completely loyal, would make him happy. I mean it was pretty much proved he loved attention and wanted supporters more than anything in season 2(?) I think. Anyways, I love my boy. If shigaraki has no supporters, I'm deceased LMAO

[skania]

OnK Chapter 158 Thoughts

This is literally me every time Akane shows up 😭

It was so cute to see Ruby so happy to see Akane! It feels like the two must have grown close again off-panel after this happened:

Akane looks so cute, too 😭

Onto the more pressing matters, first thing that caught my eye was that the concert took place in Miyazaki, aka the town where Goro & Sarina lived and died. According to Akane, she had "some business" there. This business is quite obviously not something she is keen to discuss, considering her reaction.

Could the business be keeping tabs on our resident psycho, the one and only Nino?

To be perfect honest, I'd also hope that "business" involves Akane doing some digging about Goro...

...But since I've gotten used to not having nice things in this manga, I'll just settle for Akane tailing Nino and keeping an eye on her, because that feels like the in-character thing for her to do.

So we could say that the beginning of the chapter establishes that Akane may be tailing Nino.

That's one thing to keep in mind.

Moving on, Akane says that she "might not be able to make it" to the Christmas concert. The very concert Kana will Graduate in. The one where Kana is expecting a reply from Aqua.

Akane (and her now patented ^^ smile) is vague enough that we can read it in various ways. Could it be that Akane doesn't quite want to watch the concert where she's expecting Kana and Aqua to get together? Or could it be that she has something more important to do that day?

And if she does, could that involve the 'Happy Ending' she and Aqua discussed two chapters ago?

That's another thing to keep in mind.

Speaking about Aqua, since Christmas in Japan is a holiday for couples, we get this very funny, very interesting panel from Ruby, who looks anything but supportive at the thought of Akane dating someone new lol

Looks like Ruby isn't too keen on Akane moving on from her precious brother. It's up in the air whether that's just Ruby being a brocon or because Akane still has her seal of approval to date him, though.

Akane really has this fake smile down to an art lmao

Next we get an Akane monologue where we're told that despite Kana being a force to be reckoned with, she can't match up to Ruby, who outshines her.

When I read those words, they automatically reminded me of Nino, who went through the same thing with Ai. Fittingly enough, we later get this Nino panel, where Memcho's face is obscured and only Ruby and Kana can be seen.

We also happen to get this ominous panel where Akane shows she's aware that there are people out there who want to "destroy" Ruby's sparkle. This is another thing to keep in mind.

I'm curious as to what Ruby was about to say when the scene cuts to Nino, but I won't speculate about it. Tsukuyomi's monologue was also interesting, in the sense that it tells us how Aqua's, Nino's and Kamiki's love for Ai has gotten all twisted.

Next thing we know, we get a timeskip. Aka has literally timeskipped us straight to Christmas, aka Kana's graduation concert.

The rushed pacing alone would've been hilarious if it weren't for what happens next.

Let's summarize everything Aka has established in the past few chapters up to now, shall we?

Aqua and Akane know that Nino is behind all the deaths in the manga. We have no idea how they realized this, but Aka took the time to show that they magically knew it. We're thus led to believe that this is important.

Akane wants to ensure everyone's future holds a happy ending, and Aqua is aware of this. Considering that both of them outright discuss Nino, we're led to assume that they may team up to make sure she's dealt with.

To this end, Akane may be, quite literally, tailing Nino.

Meanwhile, Ruby herself is being constantly watched by Miyako and Ichigo, to the point she says she doesn't have a single second of alone time.

Moreover, Akane pretty much summarizes in this chapter why Nino would target Ruby.

So I must ask:

Taking all of this into account, in what world does this make any sense at all?

The door even had a window! A window!

And even if it isn't see-through, we've been told over and over again that idols need to have keychains and security systems to protect themselves from crazy fans. Ai herself says so.

So in what world does it make sense for Ruby to get stabbed like that?? lol

Now, the stab in and of itself is anything but surprising. The manga hasn't exactly been subtle lately about Ruby likely becoming Nino's target. Some of us thought that Gotanda's line about Kana protecting Ruby was foreshadowing and that Kana would tank the stab for Ruby. Others thought that Kamiki would be the one to step in to save his daughter, one good deed to help atone for his past wrongs.

Whatever the case, despite our personal preferences and hopes for this manga, we all knew that Ruby was in danger and that someone would be getting stabbed. Some of us even expected it to happen this week because it's the week where Sayahime would be getting slashed in the manga lmao

So how am I supposed to believe that Aqua and Akane, who somehow even figured out Nino killed Yura and thus her motif, didn't take the necessary measures to not let it happen? lol

Even the lead up to it is... bland. Forced. Nonsensical. Why isn't Ruby shown curiously peeking at the door just like Ai would've done? Why don't we see her behaving normally at all before she opens the door?

The stab page is pretty much a copy-paste from Ai's, so why not go all the way and have a repeat of these panels, too?

This all could be explained by forced, bad writing — an Aka staple, certainly. And I wouldn't be surprised if that's the case. In fact all of this must sound silly coming from me, since I've been laughing about Aka's mess for weeks now. But biased as I am, I'm kind of forced to take the bad writing more seriously when my favorite character is directly impacted by it 😂

So I'd like to think that Akane and Aqua did see this coming and that they have a contingency plan. In fact, I'd even go as far as saying that I'd like to believe that the stab itself is staged. There are certainly enough weird things about it to make room for that possibility. The first thing I wondered about when the leaks dropped was if it could be someone pretending to be Ruby to trick Nino, and the lead-up to the stab does leave room for that possibility imo

Akane (or Aqua) with a wig, or even Ruby herself but aware of the plan — I would literally take anything at this point except the very empty, very forced scenario where Ruby truly just got stabbed because everything established in the previous chapters suddenly ceased to matter lol Heck, I'd even take Akane using a prop knife to give Ruby a scare and force Miyako & Ichigo to take measures to keep Ruby safe during the concert. Would it be silly? Absolutely. But this entire situation is already silly as it is, so I'll settle for the lesser evil lol

The story can't keep making Aqua & Akane ridiculously intelligent when it suits it, and normal when it doesn't. It's inconsistent and most of all, it's unnecessary. They could just as well have figured it out after the fact, alongside the reader, which would have drastically increased the emotional impact of the Nino reveal from: predictable and rushed to predictable but impactful.

If this was done so that Aqua and Akane can question themselves and their desire to shoulder the darkness to protect others, couldn't this be done in a better way? Because as it is, if everything is just as it seems, then Aka has deliberately kept Aqua and Akane from growing just so he can force them to do so through shock value alone.

I know I always say that I don't like predicting Aka, but I thought it'd be revealed that they had enlisted everyone's help to deliberately lure Nino into targeting Ruby during the Christmas concert, and that they would catch her red-handed before she could hurt Ruby. Since I figured that Aka may want someone to get stabbed anyway so that Aqua could put his medical knowledge to use, I thought that something would go wrong during the confrontation with Nino and that she would manage to hurt someone either way.

Maybe it was my mistake to expect any sort of consistency from Aka. Time and time again he shows that all he cares about is his perfect timing, and so characters will do whatever they have to do and will be kept as stagnant as they need to be in order for their development to happen only when that perfect timing has been reached. Like the way he rushed and rushed just so the stab could happen at the same time as the Saya slashing in the anime.

I do wonder though, aside from Ruby being immortalized as the ultimate idol through surviving the same attack Ai died from (and Kana's graduation happening at the Dome, because who wouldn't want B-Komachi at the Dome after this), what would be the point of this? Will Aqua magically get there in time so he can use his medic knowledge? Will Tsukuyomi perform a miracle? Or will we get a few chapters of people crying over Ruby's hospital bed while Nino keeps being crazy in the background?

No matter how I look at it, I feel like the only scenario where the writing is (somewhat) salvaged is the one where things aren't as they seem and this is all part of a plan we aren't privy to. Making Nino think that she has killed Ruby, only for Ruby to get on-stage brighter than ever would be a pretty cool twist.

If there is no twist though, then characters were made to look circumstantially dumb and incompetent just so Aka can have some last hurrah in the form of forced drama lol

So yeah, as per usual, I'll be hoping for the better option out of the two while preparing myself for the worst outcome.

Edit: I literally forgot KAMIKI lmao if not Aqua and Akane, KAMIKI should know that Nino is definitely going to go after Ruby. Why would he just sit on his butt and let it happen??

If there's no twist at all, this will seriously be an all-out character massacre 💀

[pythonees]

✦┊ LIGHTLESS EYES — johnny slaughter

REQUESTED: “hiiii :D i was wondering if you could do a dom!Johnny x sub! reader where Johnny went to rough and the reader went into a subdrop/subspace because of it??” ~ anon

WARNINGS: 18+, subdrop, choking, rough sex, temporarily mute reader, tcm things, johnny being himself, my writing

A/N: never written (or read) anything like this before so I have no idea if it's any good or not. Kinda based it off my down episodes (aka I forgot to take my meds) and have a severe drop in my mood. Send me a favourite fic of urs that has subdrop in it (preferably with someone I've written for so I enjoy reading it lmao) so I can learn a bit more plzzzzz!

I truly believe that this would only happen if he's serious about you in a wife you up and continue the Slaughter legacy sort of way. Anything less than that and he would be so annoyed by you that he'd simply kill you and move on with his life…

The first time it happens, Johnny barely even notices that anything is wrong. At first.

You're used to him being rough with you, it's his default, the sweet and gentle only used when he's trying to apologize without having to say the words. Or the odd time he's in a good mood, or you've done something to impress him.

Today was a bad day for Johnny, to say the least. They had lured in a new group of people a few days ago, and some of them had managed to escape their restraints. None of them were able to get off the property, thank god, but it was a near thing.

Johnny had come back to his shack pissed off, a few stab wounds that will no doubt turn into scars to join the others that littered his body. He didn't bother dressing them when he had stormed in, dragging you away from cleaning the bathroom and forcing you face down onto the bed.

The brutal pace had you gasping for air around the tight grip he had on your throat, using your body to blow off the steam that killing didn't. Still, nothing new. But it was the way his hand had gripped around your neck, too tight to be pleasurable, vision swimming from the lack of oxygen, that had tears streaming down your face in pain and fear.

His other hand rubs fast and hard at your clit, for his own pleasure of feeling your walls clamp down around him then for you at the moment, and only then does he release his hold on your neck, bracing himself with both hands as he chases his high.

Through the high of your orgasm you're able to breathe again, but it doesn't feel like you're really taking in any air. Your heart feels like a vice in your chest, and despite the wetness of tears soaking the pillow your face is squished into, you make no sound.

Johnny goes about cleaning himself and then you as he usually does, the water bitterly cold but soothing against your abused cunt. You barely make a sound, not even pulling away. You just lay there, breathing choppy and mind blurringly empty.

Johnny chucks the washcloth into the hamper you had made him get (he stole it from someone's house) in an attempt to make the place seem more homely. When he lays beside you, a cold beer already in his hand, he realizes something isn't quite right.

Normally, you're all over him after sex, wrapped around him sleepy and blissed out while he complains about whatever it is that's pissed him off that day. Or the rare time he's gotten himself a good haul from whatever poor suckers get led into the Slaughters trap. Now, you're not even moving.

For a second he thinks you're dead, that's how still you are. But he can see the barely there movement of your back raising and falling with your breaths, and the sudden shock of fear that gripped him vanishes. Then he thinks you've just fallen asleep like that, so he moves the blanket out from under you so that you don't get up in the middle of the night and bitch about how cold you are.

That's when he sees your face, and he freezes. The second you're moved onto your side you start to curl in on yourself, eyes vacant as your breathing continues to come in shaky, short puffs. You don't even acknowledge him as he turns you on your back.

“The hells wrong with you, woman?” Johnnys voice is gruff as he forces your face towards his own, lips pulled back into a snarl as your glassy eyes seem to stare right through him. Your damp face isn't really new, the way he can fuck you into a stupor, but the way you don't respond to him as he jostles you around is.

Your head lolls to the side, and the dim light catches the already forming bruise around your throat. It's concerningly dark in such a short amount of time, the scratchiness in your breathing telling to just how rough he really was with you.

Despite his aggressiveness he's very much aware of how much you can take, always toeing the line off too much to watch you squirm. It's how he likes you best, struggling against his rough treatment despite enjoying it. The fight has his blood pumping and mouth watering.

Johnnys skin feels cold and prickly as he tries to get you to respond, to move or do anything, but you just lay there like a corpse. Panic starts to set in after a few pinches to the more tender areas of your body don't even cause you to flinch. He's pushing up to get out of bed to find Nancy or Sissy or even fuck Dryton to help him, but your hand shoots out to grab onto his arm before he can get one foot off the mattress.

“... Darlin’?” His voice is a bit shaky, and normally he'd be disgusted with himself for showing such emotions, but he's so out of his element he doesn't even notice it.

You aren't able to form any words, tugging on his arm until he comes back into the bed. He's completely lost, staring down at you for any sign at all. You don't do anything besides close your eyes, settling more into your pillow. Your uneven breathing is the only way he knows that you didn't just fall asleep or pass out, but the rest of you is still.

The first touch of his hand on top of your head has the fuzzy tv noise in your brain fading, an absent noise of happiness coming from the back of your throat that's barely even audible. His fingers twitch, accidentally smoothing over your hair and causing you to relax further.

Still lost as to what's actually wrong he lets his hand over your hair, watching as you very slowly but surely start to come back to yourself. When you move to wrap yourself around him like normal, he falls back into the old routine of talking about his day, though he keeps an eye on you to make sure you don't slip back into wherever it was you were moments ago.

After that it's pretty rare for you to fall into another sub drop like that. He's not stupid so he knows he pushes you too far even though he had no idea what was going on after. Any time you do he's also able to soothe you better. He's not very communicative so he probably won't ask you how to help you, so unless you tell him he'll just hold you until you don't look so vacant.

©︎ pythonees — do not, under any circumstance, repost, plagiarize, modify or translate my work.

[psychewritesbs]

Hi! First of all, sorry if this ask doesn't make much sense since I'm just kinda throwing this all out here, but this has been bouncing on my mind for a while now and I'm not sure how to put all of it together and thought that maybe you could help haha.

So about the whole mind-soul-body plot and how they interact with each other in JJK. I've been having a string of thoughts about this that's been getting bigger:

-The three clans. I don't know where Gege's unpredictability may take this, but the fact that he left the Zen'in's spot in the Big 3 undecided (ch152) + the Kamo clan up in the air makes me think this plot's kind of important (along the three vengeful spirits, tying the past with present, although that's heavy on theory lane so don't mind it much). And I was thinking, what if each clan are meant to represent/relate to mind (Gojo) body (Zen'in) and soul (Kamo)? When were the 3 big jujutsu clans even founded and why are they the ones? Something about jujutsu's pinnacle being the balance between mind-body-soul?

For example, Gojo's DE targets the mind, Gege himself acknowledged how it's interesting that both sorcerers with a heavenly restriction about enhancing one's body are coincidentally Zen'in (+ the clan's techniques having so much to do with body parts) and this is more of an unreasoned relation, but so far people related to the Kamo (including Yuuji through his half-brothers and Kenjaku) have had the topic of one's soul and their own individuality come up — if they're more curse or human, if they're more duty or their family (Noritoshi).

-> this also led me to Jung too. I'm no expert whatsover so I'm not going to expand on this, but I can also kinda see how the Gojo can represent the persona, Zen'in the shadow and Kamo the self. Since you're the expert in this area I'd love to hear your thoughts and if I'm completely off.

-Lastly I (and many more people I guess) have noticed that from the start of the CG, Gege's been putting Yuuji, Megumi and Yuuta kind of in a level of importance of their own. Not only narratively but also visually, with some panels and art featuring the three of them together/in a trio composition. And while I have another whole separate set of thoughts on "Gojo's successor/next strongest", I do believe Yuuta's relation to the Gojo, Megumi/Zen'in and Yuuji/Kamo has to do with this.

So my mind makes this whole relation between the body-mind-soul topic, the three clans, Yuuji-Megumi-Yuuta (something about the future generation who are against the beggining/cycles coming to an end?) and even jungian psychology but idk how to make a proper statement about where this might lead. Like, I see /something/ there but I'm not sure what, and I was hoping you could help as much as you can because it's rotting my brain lmao.

I'm sending you this because I really love your posts and thoughts on JJK. I'm not sure/can't remember if you've talked about something similar to this though, so if you have I'd love to read it if you can link it!

Oh! I see and love to see the wheels turning lol.

This is fun stuff! Thank you for sharing anon.

idk I just feel like, even if Gege does not necessarily expand upon this theme, I think you're onto something there with the whole symbolism for each clan, and that the reason they are the 3 major clans has to do with their relationship to mind is body is soul.

There's something here about how dominating their particular subject, whether mind, body or soul, is what led them to become recognized.

I did try to reframe your thoughts but my agenda sort of failed loooool 🫠. But I'm going to share my logic anyways because my rambling might help you clarify your own thoughts.

Depth Psych mini lecture to taco'bout it under the cut.

Ok so I see it more as:

Zenin is mind.

Gojo is soul.

Kamo is body.

But first, I think it's important to mention that the way Gege uses mind is body is soul confuses me sometimes.

Thing is, we are ideally meant to think of it as if this holy trinity (3) makes up one whole together (4). This "whole" is called the Self in Jungian terms, and it is thought to be the entirety of our existence (mind (includes the shadow) + body + soul).

Also, from a numerology and esoteric standpoint, you also want to consider that four (the Self) symbolizes stability and order, where three (mind + body + soul) is harmonious but not balanced.

AND, sometimes it feels like soul is the Self and encompasses mind + body.

Confusing, right?

It only gets more confusing, but I think this maxim itself needs a reframe that is more in tune with the actual Holy Trinity which states that:

The Father (mind) is not the Son (body) is not the Holy Spirit (spirit), BUT the Father (mind) is God (soul), the Son is God (soul), and the Holy Spirit (spirit) is God (soul).

I do have to say that, if all of these different aspects are indeed aspects of God, then why does the Father ≠ the Holy Spirit ≠ the Son.

If that made any sense at all lol. Thanks for attending this mental gymnastic session and sorry for the late warning.

Like I said... confusing. It doesn't help that Jung was also sort of contradictory when speaking about what the Self was, although there is a general agreement that the Self is the soul as it guides the mind and body through reality. So perhaps it's more accurate to say that the soul = mind + body + spirit.

Anyways, I'm probably thinking too much into this LOL.

Let's start with mind

While the visual of the iceberg to represent the mind is more popular, in Jungian terms the mind is more akin to a lightbulb or a lit candle, right? Everything the light touches is what you are aware of that you are aware about the world. It's also the personality as it is shaped by the interaction between outside factors and your inner world.

But then there's the shadow side of the mind, everything that the light does NOT reach. Not only is it everything that the conscious mind doesn't know that it doesn't know about the world, the shadow is also a sort of repository for any traits and qualities that the conscious mind is not able to accept about itself.

Why am I saying all of this? While I totally agree that the Zenin could represent body because of the whole heavenly restriction bit, to me, because 10 Shadows is the clan's most important technique I think I just made this up but I feel like Gege does imply this lol, we're meant to think of Zenin as mind.

I think it's also relevant how Megumi is undergoing ego death and how you can track his development through nuances like his two divine dogs (black and white) becoming one (grey). This is all mind stuff.

@blog-of-hubris has thoughts on the whole heavenly restriction bit that I am not sure I can do justice.

Then we have body

To me, I am interpreting this way because the clan's cursed technique is related to blood manipulation. Although there is also something here about blood symbolizing the animating principle of the body, so I can see how it could also represent the soul.

Not my agenda crumbling to pieces LOL.

I also love the whole idea you mention around how blood is thicker than water and that's what binds us to certain people.

Soul is next

Admittedly, this is the weakest part of my agenda lol. Something about Gojo being all-seeing and able to have access to all information, I can see why you'd think this is mind given how Gojo's technique works. But to me, that feels more like a byproduct of how Gojo experiences the world and makes sense of it with his mind.

I also think it's pretty relevant that Gojo appears to be able to recognize souls.

Perhaps this even sheds more light on how Gojo knew what Megumi would say about saving Yuji as one anon asked before.

Anyways, that's my shameless agenda.

So my mind makes this whole relation between the body-mind-soul topic, the three clans, Yuuji-Megumi-Yuuta (something about the future generation who are against the beggining/cycles coming to an end?)

This is neat! Anyone reading this got any ideas? I feel like my thoughts may or may not be helpful.

Like if we take Yuji (Kamo), Megumi (Zenin) and Yuta (Gojo)... are you thinking about their character arcs? or the larger picture?

I don't know if this helps you but what I'm getting out of the big picture is the idea that there is a wholeness that needs to be achieved.

I'm thinking of how Gege already told us only one of these kids will survive this ordeal (is mind, body or soul surviving?) and also about how a Gojo and a Zenin ancestor respectively once killed each other in battle. So there's something here about how these factions are at war with each other when in reality they are part of a larger whole.

Which is a neat idea if you think about how Nori once told Megumi he would become the pillar that supports the three families.

In more practical terms, think about how your body has a consciousness in its own right that your mind might have a tendency to ignore because it has its own agenda.

Another important detail to keep in mind is that in Jungian Psych, the Self is kind of a dick lmao. Ok not really a dick but... let's put it this way: if your mind has an unbalanced attitude that needs to be corrected (i.e. ignoring the body's wisdom), the Self will orchestrate reality so that your mind and body move into specific experiences according to what the mind needs to learn. The Self doesn't care if these experiences cause suffering, it merely has a function and that function is achieving wholeness and the becoming of who you are meant to be.

So whomever survives has a big task ahead of them in terms of making meaning out of what happened in the past, how the conflict even started, and what can be done differently.

Unfortunately, life doesn't always give us neatly wrapped, happy endings. So I fully expect some ambiguity in what Gege wants his audience to take away from his work--after all, he's writing about meaning-making.

Hey anon! Thanks for the comments and for sharing your thoughts with me. Hope this helped and do keep me updated :)

[xxchthonicreaturexx]

Matchup Exchange!

Tokyo Revengers Matchup with @isadollie

Hello hello! Thank you for doing the trade with me! Sorry it took a few business days, I feel like i work too much :')

Chifuyu Matsuno

I've decided to match you with Chifuyu! I'm going to be honest, it was almost immediate and then the further I read about you, the more I was locked in on him as your match...So lets break it down.

So first of all, you come off as shy, right? So I knew you needed someone who was soft enough to be able to get you to warm up to them and be a protector, but at the same time they couldn't be too soft due to the sarcasm or dark humor. A perfect inbetween that I think Chifuyu captures very well!

I feel like you guys would immediately hit it off starting off with books and manga. Perhaps even a show or anime you guys both watched and started nerding out about together. One things led to the next and youre hanging out at each others houses and BAM! You guys are gushing over each others animals! Chifuyu is also a huge animal lover, especially cats, so trust hes spoiling yours just like he does Peke J.

Dates are so cute with him. Go on a cute walk to a ramen shop and then after stop by the manga shop. It's so simple and so fitting for the two of you! Also likes to try and use tips from romance manga to try and woo you. Definitely does the whole kissing you in the rain trope at least once.

Summer isn't his favorite weather either, but best believe you get to wear his cream colored sweater the second it gets chilly out-

Definitely takes you to the arcade so he can win you some plushies lmao

Please help him bandage himself up after fights. His love language is being nursed to health, but only behind closed doors, anywhere else he'd act like he didn't need the help. Not in a bad way, Chifuyu doesn't have toxic masculinity or anything, he just doesnt want to involve you and get you hurt, so he only tells you about his fights and lets you help him when you're both alone and it's a quiet, safe, intimate setting between you two.

Hes a pretty good partner in general. New to relationships, but he's good with communication and knowing how to treat his partners. Probably asks advice from Takemitchi or Mitsuya if he has to at first-

Overall 9/10. He's such a good partner, but he is still technically in a gang so -1 point for coming back with cuts and bruises most the time.

[fiber-optic-alligator]

for the ask: 14 and 18 ^^

14: What was your G/T awakening?

I've been imagining g/t scenarios for as long as I can remember, but the first time I realized that g/t was actually a thing was when I saw the Secret World Of Arrietty trailer. It's a core memory for me: I was really little, and I can't remember what movie my family and I were seeing, but when the Arrietty trailer came on, I was floored. There were people out there like me? And they were making MOVIES about giants and tinies? After that, I did some unsupervised internet access research and found out about the Borrowers book series, and then that led to me reading stories and looking at art online. I was so excited to learn I wasn't a freak for imagining myself to be a tiny person living amongst giants and that there were others who were in the same boat as me. Long story short, I have Studio Ghibli to thank for where I am now lol.

18: Any favorite g/t content creators? People you wanna hype up?

Oh, so, so many. Too many to mention in this post. The main people I think of are the accounts from my childhood that I would look through on DeviantArt as a kid (I promise I wasn't looking at any weird shit, DeviantArt was just the main place I could find the fluffy, comforting g/t content I liked). For the ones who are on here, I'm not going to tag them because I'm too scared lol, but I'll list them anyway! Friendlyfoxpal was a big influence on me. Her art is so wholesome and sweet and just generally the ideal content for someone like me who just wants to be held by a giant lmao. I believe she has both a Tumblr and a DeviantArt page! Then there was SweetIntent on DeviantArt; her art style just makes my heart melt I wanna eat it so bad, the colors she uses and the way she draws eyes and expressions just feels so real. There was also Keydekyie, who really made be love more monstrous giants and led into my love for humans and inhumans learning to love each other despite their differences and respective fears. I could name so many more but I think I'll stop there for the sake of whoever reads this lmao.

[silverjojo08]

I'm Sorry Women (an Ace Attorney retrospective)

Don't worry, this is going to be much shorter than my FE Engage essay. Also this is more of a personal piece than anything else.

With the upcoming release of the Apollo Justice trilogy (AA456 collection) I've started going through my old tweets to reminiscence about me playing those games. This will be spoilery for some aspects all three of those games I think, so this is your warning to turn back if you haven't played through Spirit of Justice.

Eat Your Hamburgers, Apollo

Ok this part might be obvious, but because I am an American gamer who played the US localization I will be using those names, locations, etc in this discussion.

If you are at all generally curious about localization and Ace Attorney, Janet Hsu has been one of the main localizers on the franchise and has spoken about some of the process (this interview is about DGS/GAA but there's tidbits on their work in general) here: https://www.polygon.com/interviews/22519215/great-ace-attorney-chronicles-interview-translator-localization-japanese-western-audience

Update: AA456 specific interview with Hsu as well: https://kotaku.com/ace-attorney-apollo-justice-janet-hsu-interview-1851226695

Other Preliminary Info

So unlike my Engage essay which was set in a more fantasy world, I do feel the need to state that I'm not an expert on the subjects of: adoption, teen pregnancy, teen marriage, cross-cultural adoption, political strife?, etc.

I haven't done any reading in prep for writing this. I'm not trying to present myself as any type of authority. I'm not calling out anyone specific in the fandom besides myself. This is meant to be an analysis of me and my previous beliefs with maybe a little commentary on how the fandom at the time may have shaped those thoughts (but the only examples I will provide will be my posts and screenshots from the series).

And as like in my Engage essay, I'm not a professional story analyst or anything and this is not meant to be a literary criticism. I'm not even using fully proper grammar or anything. Sorry if it's unreadable lmao.

The Essay

I was going through my old tweets to see my old thoughts as I was playing through Ace Attorney games 5 and 6 in particular. I don't believe I livetweeted AA4, but if I did I can't find my hashtag for it. I went back mainly to see the funny and dumb things I posted when I was younger and to relive some moments from the games to hype for the new release of the Apollo Justice Triology as I had not played them in a while. There's some funny stuff in there, especially the AA6 one where I predicted at least one thing accurately.

In my reminiscing, I came across this one in particular which immediately gave me pause:

I understand why I said that. But still I couldn't get it out of my mind. "Why did I say that? What led to me holding this type of honestly heartless belief? Why was I like this?"

Thalassa married Jove when she was 18 and had Apollo when she was 18-19. Yes, at the time I typed that I believed she gave Apollo up willingly, which turned out to not be the case as later revealed in AA6.

But looking at it even from that lens now, even if she had given him up herself, so what? No decision she could have made at that time could have been wrong. It's insane that I thought otherwise. That was an impossible situation for her.

And yes, the specific scene is from Apollo's perspective. He doesn't know the context of him becoming an orphan. Even as of AA6 (which goes into his early childhood) he only knows the circumstances of how he lost Jove and why he ended up in the US, but not all that happened with his mother.

He is not wrong to feel as he does. And there are people irl who have been adopted and spoken on their experiences and all. I'm never going to tell anyone how they should or shouldn't feel about that because I've not been on either side of that situation.

But I completely misunderstood even just the basic context of the scene. This was a flashback scene where he was a young child (stated to be about middle school age) trying to give advice to help his friend.

I went back to the scene to get screenshots for this. And it wasn't even about him as much as it was about him helping Clay in the only way that he could, as one little kid to another:

This is a cute scene about two kids in an orphanage working through their emotions and bonding while also dropping lore on where Apollo's catchphrase comes from.

There was no need for me to take this opportunity to speak on Thalassa at all. Especially when she literally did nothing wrong at all.

I do generally remember back in the early 2010s at least in AA fandom there was a bit of an angsty thing regarding how he may have felt towards her not raising him especially after she went on to get married again and have Trucy. I cannot remember all the details, but I assume some of that rubbed off on me. But even if that's the case, I still should have known better. A lot of stuff that happens in fandoms shouldn't be internalized.

In Conclusion

TL;DR I was a dumbass using a touching scene to slander a girl put in an unimaginable situation, and they should revoke my feminism card.

Less flippantly: It's always worth revisiting old opinions to challenge your past assumptions. Everyone grows and changes over time. And even people who believe themselves to be well-meaning have some rotten stuff to worth through. It takes work to become a better person.

[7ndipity]

Hiii, happy 2k!!! So happy for you 💓

Idk if I'm late but I'd like to submit for the ship game? It seems fun lol

I'm 5'5, black hair, brown eyes, gen z if that matters. I'm a law student and my hobbies are reading and I also enjoy baking in my time. It is also because i can't cook for shit but I bake really well, so it boosts my ego lmao

I'm an introvert (INFP), don't like going out that much and i tend to go out only with my friends. I'm aware because of my shyness I don't give the best first impression too but it gets better with time as you get to know me. People pleaser unfortunately but we're trying to work on getting better. I enjoy playing video games too (valorant mostly)

My love language is act of service and quality time. I'm def someone who prefers actions over words to feel loved and to give love. I tend to be the rational, advice giver friend of the group but can go the opposite if I've had enough drinks

My ideal first date would be something chill, like just sitting, talking, etc. No fancy restaurants or movie date. I'd want to talk and get to know the guy comfortably. ALSO,,, I'm always team split the bill on first dates.

I love love LOVE coffee. Almost enough to make it my entire personality :] I'm also very private I believe. I don't like putting my entire life on Instagram (to my whooping 400 followers) and I don't like telling people a lot about my life? Just very close friends and family.

I love spending time with myself too, if that isn't obvious yet lol. Don't like partying unless I'm with my friends. Um what else. My fav season in winter. I enjoy horror/ thriller movies mostly. I like cricket and f1 in sports. My fav sitcoms are Himym, modern family, the office, friends- I love sitcoms bye. I'm also a taylor swift fan and truly believe she writes songs about my life💀

Um I wrote a lot sorry. Oh also, terrible texter according to my friend but love calls. That's all. Thank you!!

I would totally ship you with Jungkook, as well as Jin to a lesser extent!

Jungkook definitely values quality time and more lowkey, chill dates/vibes. He seems to be very emotionally led, so having a partner who approaches things from a more rational perspective would be a really match for him. Also, he's a pretty good cook, so he can balance you out with that, lol!(Also, he famously hates texting too)

Jin would also really value someone who appreciates quieter, simpler dates. He would also love having someone who's into some of his favorites things like video games!

Hope this is okay💜

[kitmon]

Hello! I would absolutely love to hear all of the headcanons that you have for the Let’s Dance universe :) I seriously have not been able to stop thinking about that fic since I read it earlier today! I’m dying to know anything else you have to say that’s related to it! Again, I absolutely loved your writing!

Aww! This is so sweet! You guys are too nice to me for real T-T Okay! Let’s Dance headcanons!

a lot of these are mostly gonna be about reader because you guys know less about what I think about her character and, like, where she stands in this universe so I hope that's okay!

Superficial thing, the dress I imagine her wearing is the dress that Kim wears in Edward Scissorhands, I literally love that dress so much

Eddie and Reader went to the same Snow Ball in 1980, I wonder if you guys caught onto that and what I wanted do was show how each experience led to their personalities in the present; reader is very optimistic and outgoing and she cares to see the best in people while Eddie's pretty cynical about social situations and stuff like that

Another thing I like to imagine is that Eddie had a huge crush on reader when they were in middle school but after Pat Rafferty asked you to the Snow Ball first he kind of just thought that if he asked the most popular girl out that maybe you'd notice and get jealous, very dumb 8th grade plan lol

Small detail, but when Eddie first holds her hand it's cold and the last time he holds her hands they're warm

I wonder if you guys noticed that reader knew more about Eddie than he actually told her, like she knows that he's in a band but he never told her that and she knows that his last name's Munson even though he only introduced himself as Eddie

Reader gravitates to the rejects lmao, she's good friends with Jonathan and they co-created and run the Photography club together, that's also why she has a soft spot for Will, she loves that kid so much! Like, she'd probably beat up anyone that was messing with him if she had to

"How Deep is Your Love" is the same song that played at their Snow Ball when Reader was dancing with Rafferty and Eddie was crying on the bleachers

I feel like after Eddie tells her about his club, she goes home and talks to her younger brother (yes, I headcanon that she has a younger brother lol) about D&D and he has to explain as much as he knows, you better believe the next day she's checking out some books at the library to get to the bottom of it

Also, after they get back to school on Monday, Reader absolutely chews Principal Higgins out for discriminating against students and threatens to resign as VP if he doesn't lay off of Eddie

Okay, that's all the ones I've got so far! Please, if you have any headcanons of your own I would LOVE to read them so please send an ask or something!

[mcl4r3n]

the mclaren article is weirdly worded but i have to say that i really don't get why people are shitting on lando for it? like he was talking about the team's and the car's development in that part, and he's absolutely right too

monza 2021 was a fucking miracle because the mclaren car (and team) has been shit for a lot of years, and daniel (and lando) outperformed the car by like 500% that weekend. now the car is good and it is probably the first time in five years that they're actually continuously close to the other race-winning cars so yes, they are getting closer to winning races

like i really don't think it's as deep as that post makes it out to be. like if people would just actually read the article and see the context and not be blinded by their hatred of lando (and mclaren), i think they'd see what lando was talking about

but alas some people just want to hate lando. i mean, that boy could say "oh, i love daniel! he's a good guy!" and people would find a way to shit on him for not calling daniel a great guy instead lmao

(also sorry for being angry in your inbox, moss. nothing i said was aimed at you, i promise 🩷 monza 2021 will always be the dando day for us because it changed their friendship forever and we love that..... it's also dando day because they were so severely homoerotic with each other afterwards that it gave us the dando nation we know and love today)

- dando anon

It is weirdly worded because it made it seem like they'd never scored a win in the last five years. And likely, Lando was mostly talking about himself—sometimes boy runs his mouth before deciding on the nuances of what he's saying. But anyway, it's likely that the implication of the erasure of Monza 2021 is what's rubbing a lot of people the wrong way.

And I don't speak for anyone but myself, I just have always gotten this vibe that Monza 2021 felt like such a fluke to a lot of people. There are many who discredit that win by saying that it wouldn't have happened if Maxy and Lewis hadn't crashed out. There are others who will say that it should have been Lando's and would have been his if team orders hadn't prevented it. There are others who will say that "all Lando does" is "whine" for team orders. Idk. I just got here. People will believe what they're gonna believe.

It's true that many people will blindly hate on him for every single thing he says, and that's led me to blocking a LOT of people tbh because like you said, it isn't that deep.

It frustrates me personally as someone who loves Daniel first and foremost, and also loves Lando, to know that McLaren is central to that friendship, both for good and for bad.

I've seen people who have said that people need to stop babying Daniel about his time at McLaren for a whole slew of reasons, stop acting woe is me, etc etc. But also like it leaves me uneasy because Daniel—PR-trained up the wazoo, almost pathologically non-confrontational—outright saying that he no longer wants to talk about his time at McLaren, coupled with Simon saying that Danny was "hollow" after he came back to RB. . . it's like. How bad. How deep does this shit run. This is just the tip of the iceberg of what we know.

Then flip it over to Lando, who LOVES McLaren. Loves it. Is loyal to it. Carries the team colors with a pride that I only see in one other person on the grid (Charles). He wants his wins to be with McLaren. His devotion only pales in comparison to Charles because being papaya army isn't as religiously-tinged as being Tifosi seems to be.

SORRY I JUST FULLY WENT ON A TANGENT HERE!!!!! Anyway!!! back to your point. Yes Lando's right that this is the best the car has performed in a while. Two P2s this year after that incredible upgrade. If RBR wasn't as insanely powerful this year with their rocketship rn, we'd for sure be seeing really fun battles between Lando and Max. Hell, throw Oscar into the mix too, the way the McLaren has been consistently performing these last couple of races since the upgrade.

ANYWAY. Thank you for this message Dando anon even if my response was soooooo long-winded and all over the place skdkfkfkd. We will always have Monza 2021. ♡

I even have it framed hahaha ♡

[ufonaut]

"and yes, i said straight even in the case of hq & ivy because there's no universe in which they actually read as gay/bi and i'll always stand by that. they exist the way they do because bruce timm, jimmy palmiotti and whoever else followed in their long line of writers thought some chick on chick action was sexy. that's no representation."

Tell me that you've never actually read the majority of Harley and Ivy comic or the things that've led to their romantic relationship developing the way it has without telling me. I'm sorry, but you sound genuinely stupid. There's definitely an argument about the Bruce Timm, Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti writing and the way they frame moments. But Bruce Timm drew them more than he wrote them, he didn't have a direct hand in a lot of those plots in terms of the actual content, and Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti are just in general awful writers for Harley Quinn. The idea you could consume anything including Harley and Ivy and Not See how utterly gay they are is ridiculous. It goes back to comics like Batgirl Adventures and Gotham City Sirens literally confirmed Ivy's romantic feelings in a part that wasn't written by any of those folks.

Are we supposed to just pretend that DC is notorious for not allowing LGBT focused plots, cause, like, yeah, a lot had to be subtle or it wasn't going to be allowed past the viewing stage. Not even heroic characters like Batwoman were allowed those sorts of primary plots for a Long Time.

"i said straight even in the case of hq & ivy because there's no universe in which they actually read as gay/bi and i'll always stand by that." You should read more. Cause this is just sad. Especially in times when comics like their current ongoings exist, where they are explicitly sapphic and into women.

i love how the vast majority of your argument is that it was dini not timm that wrote harley & ivy and how could i forget the other dude instrumental in finding chick on chick action sexy? look, i don't know if you're a follower or some random freak who found my untagged post but i do have to laugh at the idea that i wouldn't know that homosexuality was frowned upon in media for 'a long time'. yeah, gee, no kidding. not like 80% of this blog is comic history or anything.

okay, look, as far as i'm concerned harley & ivy are as gay as lesbian porn is. is there technically a gay couple involved? yeah, i suppose. is it made entirely for male consumption and cannot be counted as representation by any means? yes, absolutely.

believe it or not, i've read a lot more of both of them than i would've ever liked because harley's presence in comics is completely inescapable and once upon a time i was a batman enthusiast. see, 'explicitly sapphic and into women' doesn't do it for me and i wouldn't trust anybody who unironically uses the term sapphic to begin with lmao but the way fandom treats ivy as some sort of lesbian icon despite her long history with men (her whole entire shtick is controlling men by kissing them, the hq cartoon even has her as pretty clearly bisexual) is ridiculous and so's the fact that the two of them have become the single most famous & visible same-sex couple in comics.

(gotham knights 2000 #14)

(harley and ivy 2004 #1)

(2016 interview with dini, palmiotti, and glass -- screenwriter for the suicide squad movie. 'damaged yet strong females'? 'girlfriends without the jealousy of monogamy'? really?)

(dc pride 2021. 'relationships can be instruments of oppression'? 'sweetie 4 ever'? on god?)

(harley quinn 30th anniversary special 2022 #1)

honest to god this is as good as it gets? these is a random smattering of examples from memory but you think this honest to god the pinnacle of representation right here?

when i call harley & ivy effectively straight women written for the enjoyment of the writer/artist or male audiences i'm not doubting the validity of their fictional feelings for each other, i'm doubting the intentions behind the way they're presented. there's a reason they're the most popular lgbt characters in comics, there's a reason what's effectively an open relationship that can be discarded at any time is so widely preferred to any other alternative and that's not even counting the way harley quinn & poison ivy as separate characters are and have been sexualized like there's no tomorrow. i'm sorry, man, but you're the one sounding stupid to me.

[jerzwriter]

Okay but don't you think the fandom hate led to it shrinking? I know you've said the people still here don't support each other enough. If that changed maybe the fandom would be more active again.

Hey Nonny,

Here's the thing, you can say something, but you can't talk it into existence. I DO think everyone supporting each other would help, but I've given up hope that it will ever happen.

Right now, I don't know how much the following is the case. I really believe we just may be that small/inactive now. But in the past, the nonsense absolutely impacted people.

Things that really sucked for creators:

A follower saying to keep them on your tag list (non-creators have NO CONCEPT of how hard it is to maintain tag lists on this stupid site), then never interacting. Now, some people have left, some aren't very active. But some would say, "KEEP ME, DON'T TAKE ME OFF!!!" - then never interact - while they leave diatribes on other creators' posts. Honestly, it's better to just say, "Nah, I don't want to be on your list anymore."

Someone discussing your work with you, making it clear they have read it, but they never once interacted with it. Creators can't tell people are reading unless they interact. At least A03 has "hits" (though I don't know how much they help), but with Tumblr, you just don't know.

The games. The games suck so much. The "I read (creator), and their stuff is great! But I don't interact because...." sometimes the because is "my friends don't like them," "my friends don't like their friends," "they're competition," "the creator annoys me because...", "I'm fucking jealous." These are some of the reasons, though not all. It was fucking ridiculous. I say was because nowadays I really think it's more that people just are not here anymore. But if someone wants theories on the decline of fandom/creators... well, here is some theory. lol

The biggie... Anon Hate. I don't have to get into why it sucks. If you need an explanation as to why you're part of the problem. Anon hate can make people go, but I don't think it's the driving factor. Many creators who remain have had more anon hate than most. It's a personal choice, but I don't blame creators who left because they didn't want to deal with that ongoing abuse - and it IS abuse.

Other bullshit. Other bullshit is things like, "You know those anons are self-sent," "Did you see that her character did XYZ? That's so OOC, and OMG, I hate it!" Games and bullshit just get so old and annoying. Personally, I just had to ignore it (as much as I could) to stay on here. TRUST me when I tell you someone is seeing all these anons I'm getting today will be in a private chat saying "SELF-SENT" and being all judgy about it. But I don't give a single fuck. If I did, I would have been gone long ago.

I tried, I REALLY tried to be supportive of everyone in the OH fandom. EVERYONE. They didn't have to be friends, they didn't have to write characters the way I did, they didn't have to be the best writers in the world... I really feel everyone has a story to tell and deserves encouragement. But it took so much time, and it wasn't always appreciated, so I became more selective (though I still try to support all I can). I honestly had a creator DM me to ask why I wasn't RB/commenting anymore, yet that creator never interacted with mine. Now, I DO NOT think it should be tit-for-tat. In fact, I hate that... but it takes some audacity for someone who never reciprocated (for me and many others) to ask, "Why aren't you doing it anymore?"

God, that got fucking long. lmao But you should expect that from me by now. I really, really appreciate the ask and the conversations being had today, though - I really encourage people to discuss, I think it helps. :)

[bsaka7]

would you mind some director's commentary on scenes of an american artist'? maybe the rhode island scene especially? it's one of the most beautiful things i've ever read, and that part is so perfect to me, i think about it a lot. :)

I'll do the end bit of the Rhode Island scene (around the quote!). and thank you for the job app luck!! i just finished my draft of some responses...so here is an answer for you under the cut! Also I'm so glad you enjoy 😭😭

Sebastian pretended he was engrossed in his book, though he had mostly been watching Charles, thinking thoughts that he did not believe he should have in public [1959 baby!]. He believed that his feelings for Charles should be kept in a lock box, only to come out when it was just the two of them. Still, he found his mind drifting when he was at work, on his walk home. He would eat a fresh banana and remember how Charles delighted the first time he had a truly good one [I was thinking about the extinction of the Cavendish banana here lmao]. He would hear a phrase in the break room and remember how Charles said it. He could not escape, and in truth, he did not want to [Charles haunts him!].

Charles laid out on the sand next to Sebastian [Realized recently beach scenes are very common for me -- I think it's the way of being together, separate but near other people, and the awe of the ocean in front of you]. “Read to me,” he demanded, his voice soft and firm [This fic was intentionally referential between art, media, etc. so I knew it was only a matter of time til we get closer to what I'm actually trying to capture (literature!). East of Eden is one of my all-time favorite books so. It also I think helps me play with American identity as I do a bit in this fic]. Sebastian loved how Charles got with him, how the layers of shyness had slowly been carved out over the year the three of them had spent in their small house. With Hanna, Charles still had the awkwardness of a man who did not grow up around women, but he was kind to her and she to him [This fic was a balancing act to me. I try to be -- fairly respectful? of real life relationships. which led to this dual presence/silence of Hanna in the text].

Sebastian acquiesced, because how could he not? [I do like when Seb is helpless to Charles in a way he doesn't quite understand. He likes him against himself. In this case, against his marriage, as opposed to racing.] He began from where his eyes had last landed.

He did not realize how much his voice thickened with truth as he read. The words came out lilted and true, as though they had come straight from Sebastian himself. They ran off his tongue as if they had been written just for the two of them [Confession! Also, I really struggled with this transition. I still feel it's a bit clunky and wish I could have done it in a little bit more of a subtle way, but it says what I want].

“In uncertainty I am certain that underneath their topmost layers of frailty men want to be good and want to be loved. Indeed, most of their vices are attempted short cuts to love. When a man comes to die, no matter what his talents and influence of genius, if he dies unloved his life must be a failure to him and his dying a cold horror. It seems to me that if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world.

We have only one story. All novels, all poetry, are built on the never-ending contest in ourselves of good and evil. And it occurs to me that evil must constantly respawn, while good, while virtue, is immortal. Vice has always a new fresh young face, while virtue is venerable as nothing else in the world is.” [This was actually a huge pain to decide what to put in here. At the time of writing this fic I didn't even have cell service in my house so I knew I had to pick something from a book I owned that was reasonably popular and came out before 1959. As you may imagine, I didn't have a huge number of options. I knew Steinbeck had some commentary on love so this is what I ended up pulling, which in turn shaped the next couple of paragraphs. I really like the opening "want to be good and want to be loved." For Sebastian, this is almost a confession. They never say they love each other, but of course, they do. This is the best way that I could figure to show it. I also think there was a slight play with vice/virtue charles/sebastian in terms of their relative positions to Hanna/the family unit in the house, which I also liked. I'm actually not that into literary analysis which is why this is probably a week explanation but I just wanted to add to that real interplay between medias in this piece and in how Sebastian can say something without saying it.]

Charles blinked up at him from where he lay. “So, which am I?” he asked with a cheeky smile. “Vice or virtue?” He tried to wink, and it crunched up his face so delightfully that Sebastian wished he could take a picture, tuck it in his wallet, hold it with him forever [I assume I was also thinking about the variety of Charles interpretations in fic, some of which show him as extremely...tempting? and others as like. nearly angelic. So this is also slightly in reference to that w/in fandom. Of course, he's also just teasing Seb because he knows what Seb will say].

“Virtue,” Sebastian said. He could not keep the sincerity out of his voice. He looked away, out to the deep blue expanse. There was a container ship on the horizon, a dark blob in the distance [He's in LOVEEEE. And I want to remember that even the seascape here is an industrial landscape.].

Sebastian had never said the words before and perhaps he never would, but he loved Charles, truly, and desired that love in return. But in that moment, under the sunlight, he felt as though perhaps he must, but he did not. He did not look at Charles for a long moment and Charles did not ask him to [Can't handle the truth of our own emotion etc]. That summer was the middle of things [The middle is nearly the end]. Neither of them would ever escape the memory, nor would they be able to capture it, the soles of their feet warm from the race on the beach, their faces red with sunlight [The capture it is in reference to Charles' art. Chasing a feeling. That's all we're doing with art, isn't it? I try but can't ever show you what's in my head]. Charles’ hands were cold from the sea, and he wanted nothing more to reach out and take Sebastian’s in his own, but he did not for there was a family down the way, laughing [period-typical homophobia etc. I actually did almost no research for this fic in terms of...anything. which is rare for me. Charles' cold hands for some reason is a common descriptor for me though. Huh!].

Charles held the words with him, though he said nothing himself. He wanted to tell Sebastian that he would not die unloved, but he could not find it in him [Seb in this is.......he is who he is. There was originally supposed to be a scene of him like. getting introduced to Columbia University gay culture at the time when he was like...18 but it didn't fit with the format of the fic. I think when I was writing this, I was thinking about how Seb and Hanna were good companions but not truly lovers. I maybe think about it as a different kind of love, now]. His heart bloomed as he watched Sebastian in profile, and he knew neither of them would ever be the same again [Every relationship changes you. So be it.].

[matrixbunni]

Divine Timing.

Are you ever perplexed by how things always seem to work out? Sometimes you just feel SO hopeless, where there is no way out, and everything just seems extremely fucked. And you're just thinking - how could this ever be fixed?

There's been many instances in my life where this has been the case. But for some reason things always find a way - and I don't know if its some divine being, or the universe, or some gracious third variable at play, but I am so grateful. Sometimes things don't make sense to me, in the moment or for awhile, but then it does.

Losing certain people in my life eventually led me to better appreciate the new people in my life in a different light. It made me realize that there are better, that I could be treated better, that I could give more of myself and not be taken advantage of. I've met people that actually have no ulterior motives - can you believe it - and just love me for the sake of loving me. Experiencing certain heartbreaks, romantic, platonic, familial, has allowed me to better communicate my feelings and solidify my inner circle.

I have women in my life that genuinely want me to succeed. I have women in my life that see my efforts, don't view me as competition, and truly see me for me. Not just as the party friend, not as a random micro influencer, just me. Where were able to have deep talks about life, our values, our struggles, and everything in between without any judgment.

I have men in my life that truly inspire me to be a better person. That challenge me to do things I've either fallen out of love with, like writing and reading, and to try new things like yoga, or running. That help support me when I need it whether that be physically, driving me around, or emotionally, giving me a fresh logical perspective. Men that can truly feel and talk about their emotions, men that encourage ME to be less uptight & communicate more - could you imagine LMAO.

I have a sister who makes me feel seen for my efforts, and parents that support me physically in reaching my dreams. Most importantly, parents that are recently putting in effort to communicating effectively and healthily. That are trying to do better, trying to right their wrongs.

Crazy how the ripple effect works. I lose my job from Fred, I fall into despair, because obviously working for QE Home is not going to be fulfilling to me in the long run. I know I have way more potential than that. And this pitfall has then redirected me to applying, which then leads me to securing this new job, that pays so much higher, and with a title much more aligned with me. If it weren't for the situation with Fred, I would've never gotten here.

If it were never for the fallout with my family, I would've never been this strong. And appreciate it when they are showing support.

If it were never for the god awful friendships I experienced, I would struggle to see the merit and gravity of the beautiful friendships I have in my life.

If it were never for the toxic relationships (and my own place in being toxic), I would never be able to see the extent of my own personal growth, as well as the ability to curate healthy relationships now.

If it were not for the feelings of rejection and hopelessness at my old jobs, (or unemployment), it wouldn't have redirected me to the place where I want to be.

If it were not for all these, I would've found it difficult to do what I want to do, be the person I want to be, and trust myself and others.

So today I just wanted to express my gratitude and appreciation to everyone and the universe. The truth is, nothing has tangibly changed yet - my salary is still the same, I haven't started my job. The same people are in my lives, but yet, my perspective has changed and I think I should allow myself to be happy, and allow myself to be proud of myself.

Once I let that for myself, I can begin to support and give back to the amazing people in my life that have made me this way.

07/10/2024

[jupiterseemsnice]

oops its me again

I literally posted one thing on here then bounced apparently lol.

i fell down the rabbit hole of depression again oh man.

living with depression is so crazy because internally your telling yourself you need to get up and do things and its like your body is on vacation. I hate being the way I am. all messed up in the brain. I have good days I really do but sometimes the bad out weigh the good. which is so stupid because my life is a blip on the radar compared to a lot and I do mean a lot of other peoples struggles. And some people are literally dying right now and I'm posted up in my bed upset because of some chemical imbalance.

Now I'm not shitting on mental health because it is real I.e me, but its foreal wack. like its like an out of body experience when someone with a PHd tells me I have something wrong with me I'm like welp lol.

i just cant believe all of my life choices have led me to where I am now in life. Im 28, unemployed at the moment, No education like shit man I didn't even graduate highschool. Truthfully I wish just for one single day I can go back in time to slap the shit out of my 14 year old self and tell her to get her shit together. My school days consisted of boys and friends who weren't really my friends and gaucho pants. I'm not even kidding I am not even friends with the people I spent the entirety of my pre pubescent life with. My childhood bestfriends are just facebook friends, I cant even remember the names of the boys I used to chase around at recess. Then in highschool I was more concerned about older boys and what I was gonna wear to the school dances,which I wish the fashion in 2012 weren't so well I guess now they're an "aesthetic" vibe for kids today. Yikes.

BUT I will always hold onto my skinny jeans till the day I die lol.

finally killed off the side bangs when I was 22.

I finally took the initiative to go back to school though. signed up for classes cause 10 years out of highschool I've learned I've retained nothing except for stuff that isn't going to take me anywhere. like PEMDAS. did anyone else learn it as " please excuse my dear aunt sally"? or did I just grow up weird. even though I know what it means and can tell you what it stands for, if you put a problem Infront of me using that formula I'd look at you like a deer in the headlights.

I doubt anyone will ever read this but if by some chance you do... I cant promise its gonna get better, but you have to fight the battle more then once to win it. So keep fighting, keep loving, and never accept less then what you deserve. truly, I know trust me I know its easier said then done, but the universe needs you.

I really do be rambling on here lol.

its nice to get the internal thoughts...external? lmao.

I'm trying to find joy in the things I used to love.

I started reading again, I haven't gotten very far in the book I just got but I'm gonna get there. have been finally giving myself a proper bedroom. when I moved into my apartment the only thing I had for my room was a bed. now I got a big girl bed frame AND a new mattress oh and I replaced this giant desk I bought off market place for $30 dollars with a smaller one, more simple. and I got fairy lights for my curtains and today I bought a led salt lamp. very vibey in here. even as I'm dumping all this into endless typing I have lofi playing in the background. I hope oneday I can just breathe without a heaping pile of bullshit on my imaginary plate. fingers crossed.

I love you.<3