#and like i feel so bad for this hypothetical infant i do not and will never want like carrying the burden of both my own inadequacy And

[luxraydyne]

lmao i may never be wanting for horror writing material when with almost humorous timing. i begin thinking permhaps being so restless to move into my own home and private space to the point i can barely concentrate through the fog is actually a detrimental idea when living w my family is all that prevents me from being completely alone. when on cue parents once again resume trying to goad me into becoming a pet grandchild incubator so my sibling’s child doesnt end up lonely whhat teh fuuuck dude. we’re back baby to doomscrolling extortionate private rental cost of tiny studio flats in a cost of living crisis

[rondoel]

Quartz & Riebeck brainrot below! doodles + some snippets of my ponders about psychology & neurodivergence in hearthian society

(snippets but it's still very long! 😂)

Started with the thought I like that Quartz is of the same age as Riebeck, making them of the same hatch bath and therefore having grew up together :D

(hanging out with Riebeck who is very cautious is probably the only reason Quartz even reached the adulthood)

--

I think of hearthian society as potentially good place for neurodivergence because of its size and how they seem to function.

It makes sense for something like mentorships going on there where it comes to raising young - a hatchling picks an adult that resonates with them in some way and learns their craft. In small society it's very important to do what you're going to be good at. That would make a person that will be raising you the best fit for you.

I small society a common understanding would be that everyone is different. And again, it's crucial for those differences to be used in the best way. So no ostracizing, no assumption to "fit in" with the "norm". Endorsing those differences to progress.

Those things together create a fascinating environment for me to examine those traits in kind of a vacuum, where I can examine how person will function in society with just the traits they have - instead of mainly through lens of learned trauma responses, masking and social pressures.

--

I'm fascinated by the thought of these two naturally being thrown into the same box of "having a bit of difficulties with people" - while being just so NOT like each other (which later on becomes obvious, but early on they just hang out with each other because 'why not, we're both weird kids after all').

When it comes to social stuff Riebeck just doesn't understand how to relate and connect with others, and it's a big issue for them. While Quartz just doesn't want to participate because they don't feel this need at all.

So there's some common ground here - but they don't really understand each other. Which at some point they start to notice.

(Riebeck - the only person to ever make Quartz laugh. at their misfortune. but. still)

Where exactly the line lies in their difference came further in my research.

--

It started with me wanting to find a better name for Quartz' neurodivergence. I was thinking about psychopathy and sociopathy and how neither are recognized as a official diagnosis. Especially not medically/neurologically.

So to examine it in hearthian society I wanted to know where is that line between actual neurological condition vs trauma response + adaptation. I wanted to know If there are traits that are there from the start.

Then I found about the Callous-unemotional traits (CU).

This name allowed me to find to find actual scientific research instead of some biased bullshit people have about psychopathy - and it was so good. The interesting thing about it is that it actually shows in infants.

In similar way to autistic traits.

So again, I started to research the links.

I wanted to know hypothetically - what If those came from the same neurodivergence but psychopathy was a result of bad handling of those autistic traits? (far reaching, I know, but I wanted to know)

And then it turned out that NO. That those are very different! The difference most visible in different empathy responses.

I explored one of the differences in my last comic.

In which before Quartz leaves the planet for the first time - they want to actually confirm their suspicions.

A thought provoking moment for Riebeck, after which (and just the way Quartz cuts themself off) they start to wonder whether just spending a lot of time with someone is enough to make you friends.

Even more jarring of a thought - to spend most of your life with someone and for it to not mean anything to them at all.

All those things combined, current Riebeck is mostly unnerved by Quartz.

[system-of-a-feather]

Literature Reading and Discussion

(These are informal readings, take aways and just thoughts I have on interesting articles that I think were worth sharing. My comments are developed AS I read them, cause I always talk to myself and the article while I read them. This is just literally how I annotate literature papers, so read it like a live blog of sorts; people are welcome to read and discuss and comment)

Article: Dissociative identity disorder as a wide range of defense mechanisms in children with a history of early childhood trauma

First things first, I'm actually surprised on how antiquated the description of DID's "general characteristics" is in this article even if it is from 2019. The sources that the section connects to is, however, another Polish article and the opening states that DID is not really talked about, diagnosed, or researched much in Poland so I think the antiquated information might be reflective of that and the locality.

"A case of a patient has been reported, who menstruated for the whole month because her alters had different period dates"

Call me a skeptic, but while I do believe that the patient genuinely believes that, I almost feel more like that's a menstrual issue unrelated to DID but is being attributed to DID.

"Another example is the movie The Three Faces of Eve based on a real story of a woman switching between three different personalities"

I could have sworn that it was found that it was not a real story. I'm starting to side eye the general nature of this article (which the class I was taking did NOT talk explicitly on DID here) but I am interested in the talk on etiology so I'm sticking through.

Petty thing, I dislike how much DID is called a "disease". Again this is originally a Polish literature review and thus translated so maybe its that, its not explicitly BAD per se but I dislike it.

The Psycho-analytic Model

"[..] This theory assumes that alters develop not as a result of a traumatic event as such, but due to defense mechanisms that are designed to protect the individual from dangerous content[1]. This model refers to Freud's views presented in his Studies on Hysteria[10]. [..]"

I'm sorry its hard for me to take this model suggestion seriously when its based on / refers to Freud's weirdness and "Hysteria".

"Splitting is a natural psychological process, occurring mainly in infants, which allows them to separate good from evil."

God, I'm barfing in white western dualism.

"When a child is constantly subjected to traumatic experiences, they begin to overuse this mechanism even in non-threatening situations, which allows them to create two disparate worlds. This leads to the formation of new alter personalities which protect the child against the trauma[1,9]."

See, now that I can get behind. I don't like the "good vs evil" and how that inherently relates to shit (probably a translation issue or more likely Freud being weird and white) but this checks out.

"According to Freud, the primary process, unlike the secondary process, has no cause-and-effect relations, opposites, and time, and is characterized by coexisting contradictions. Its task is to relieve the tension as quickly as possible by creating images of an object that satisfies the need. There is also no distinction between fantasy and reality, which seems to explain why alters do not find it contradictory to have a different sex, race or age than the original personality"

Okay so I think Freud lost me because I don't understand the mechanism outside of a symbolic manner and I might be trying to find more of an understanding of the "process" in terms of an actual neurobiological framework than a philosophical / hypothetical / symbolic framework when it doesn't exist. If someone thinks they get the proposed concept, feel free to inform me cause this part lost me.

However I do find the proposition that "no distinction between fantasy and reality" is kind of an interesting point to think about. I've heard some stuff about a relationship between dissociation and psychosis so, kind of interesting.

"The psychoanalytical model, therefore, suggests that the development of DID requires two components: trauma and fantasy. This theory, however, is not perfect, because it does not explain all clinical symptoms"

Ah the brother to "fantasy prone" debate. I honestly need to go over the article at some point that debunks fantasy proneness in people with DID cause while I don't believe in the iatrogenic model (or at least that it is the cause of MOST cases; I can see it being the cause of SOME cases) I do know a lot of people with DID who are REALLY fantasy prone; obviously thats my peer / personal experience and I have a biased sample size so it could just be me, but its something I've always been meaning to go over and look back on.

The Auto-Hypnotic Model

"Bliss even goes as far as to say that multiple personality is a form of autohypnosis and that other symptoms of the disease, such as changes in breathing rate, irregular menstruation, and palpitations are manifestations of anxiety"

Ehhh first things first, STILL doubting the "irregular menstruation" as a relevant or related symptom to DID. Beyond that, I feel like the differences and changes between alters is WAY too much to just account for it as "manifestations of anxiety".

"Overused, it interferes more and more with the individual's memory, sense of the Self, and normal ability to cope in the real world. The changes can range from short episodes of amnesia to the emergence of alter personalities which can take control of the patient's body."

Honestly I don't know enough about the neurobiology / neuropsychology of actual hypnosis and how to sparse it from the sensationalized understanding of hypnosis to actually have any real comment on it. I feel a bit skeptical, but I also do think there is some value in it? Skeptical none the less though.

"Criticism of this theory rests in the fact that it equates hypnotizability with susceptibility to dissociation. Some studies indicate that these processes are not synonymous, because although some people who are highly susceptible to dissociation are also susceptible to hypnosis, not all hypnotizable persons are able to dissociate"

Yeah that was going to be my critique thanks article for putting words to my ambiguous sense of "ehh somethings off".

The Developmental Model

"Research shows that people with DID have a period of special sensitivity during which traumatic events can lead to the formation of a multiple personality. This period falls between the ages of a few months to 9/10 years. Processes that occur in normally developing children, which, when disrupted, may lead to the formation of alter personalities"

I do like the sound of this thus far. I'm pretty sure this was a foundational perspective in the ToSD

"Imagination and fantasy allow children to project their own personality onto objects and situations[1]. It has been suggested that this may contribute to the blurring of the boundaries between reality and fantasy and the emergence of alter personalities in DID[1,7,10]."

"Yeah of the three so far this is my favorite" I say as the person deeply interested in developmental psychopathology and the general idea that everything goes back to childhood and critical periods /hj

"Another factor promoting the formation of alters may be the fact that children endow their plush toys or dolls with life and personality traits."

Hahaha me fr fr.

"Many adult patients claim that imaginary companions were models for their alter personalities. What is more, alters themselves often admit that they had been created as imaginary friends and later acquired their own lives as a result of trauma[1]."

COUGHS LOUDLY AT CREATED ALTERS / HEADMATES / PARTS COUGH COUGHS LOUDLY

"The construct of behavioral states of consciousness assumes that people are born as potential multiple personalities, and it is only in the course of normal development that these personalities consolidate and integrate into a single Self. Research shows that the behavior of newborns is composed of separate behavioral states, manifesting themselves, among others, through different motor activities, eye movements, facial expressions or skin color. This assumption shows that some of children's most important developmental tasks are to consolidate the Self, work out a sense of one's identity, and learn to smoothly transition from one behavioral state to the next."

OK this section I really do like and have thoughts on. FIRSTLY the word "assumes" is just what I mean with the fact that "everyone fuses into one" is an ASSUMPTION not a fact and even in that assumption, that the task is consolidation of Self. I DO agree with that, however the last sentence of this section I feel best leaves space for the fact that the consolidation of Self doesn't necessarily mean to a single version of Self. If the purpose of the consolidation of Self is to 1) work out ones identity and 2) smoothly transition from one behavioral state to the next; assuming both are met in healthy ways without full integration / consolidation (as is promoted and supported by cultural and social systems in non white non western cultures), there is no reason to assume that an individual would HAVE to fuse into one to meet the important developmental milestones.

Honestly I'd highlight and copy most of this model's discussion down because I just simply like it. I'm NOT gonna do it cause thats too much work and the link is accessible to everyone.

The Attachment Model

I'm not copying all this down unless something particularly stands out. I'm super biased in terms of Bowlby's attachment theory cause I just really *like it*. So just like, use your imagination to see me probably overlooking critiques and holding up a sign in a stadium like a super fan of "I LOVE U BOWLBYS ATTACHMENT THEORY" or something like that ok? /lh /j

Results and Discussion

There is a really neat diagram in the article about factors and combining the models to understand a lot of things about DID that I like. I don't want to deal with screenshotting it and crediting it properly so just go check it out.

"Formerly, it was believed that DID affected only adults; now, it is claimed that the disorder can be diagnosed in children as young as three or four years old. Most commonly, however, the diagnosis is made between the ages of 25 and 35, although the first symptoms probably appear five to ten years before the disease is recognized[1]."

Side eyeing people who say DID doesn't occur in children.

My Thoughts

Interesting read overall. I think the introduction section was really sketchy, but I think it did a nice job going over and integrating a lot of the other models and hypothesises on DID in a way other than the ToSD. I was kind of hoping for something *more* cause most of that I've heard of already, but it was a fun read overall.

I feel someone asked me recently about alternative models to the ToSD but I can't recall who so I hope they see this

[agentcalypso]

⚡️my (mostly) coherent thoughts on the thunder saga, as promised⚡️

spoilers, obviously

⚡️SUFFERING⚡️

PENELOPEEEEEEE

the piano (athena's instrument) already telling us he has a plan before he even speaks

daughter? 🤨

the vocalllsssssssss

ohhh so that's how he learns abt scylla

ok this drags on a tiny bit near the end

having the first song of the saga called suffering when, in retrospect, this entire saga is odysseus suffering is just *chef's kiss*

not much to say abt this one but i love it

9/10

⚡️DIFFERENT BEAST⚡️

damn 0 to 100

I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE SIRENS SHOWING UP HELL YEA

ok but the (i think) electric brass implying odysseus is becoming more ruthless (and powerful) like the gods?

the way it descends on "while you were so focused on turning my men into snacks" augh

the "you didn't notice that your friends got snatched" almost sounds kinda playful like the "my name is nobody" bit from polyphemus but then it just DESCENDS into ruthlessness i love it

"i would take the suffering from you" vs "we won't take more suffering from you"

"i made a mistake like [sparing the sirens] it almost cost my life" AUGH

LET THEM DROWN?????

the woahs from remember them/my goodbye are back

i can't hear any guitar (acoustic or electric) in this entire song and i'm afraid of what that implies abt odysseus' mental state, morals, and sense of self

i kinda like this more than the original scene in the odyssey ngl

all in all a fuckin bop

9.5/10

⚡️SCYLLA⚡️

EURYLOCHUS OPENED THE BAG?!?!??!?!?!

i don't think bringing back the "forgive me" is gonna get him to forgive you buddy

also the "forgive me" is in a triplet - odysseus already knew he's become a liability

building on the previous point obviously odysseus knew he'd have to sacrifice six men DO YOU THINK HE DECIDED TO HAVE EURYLOCHUS LIGHT THE TORCHES AT THE LAST SECOND WHEN HE HEARD ABOUT THE WIND BAG SO EURYLOCHUS WOULD BE ONE OF THE SIX TO GET HIM OUT OF THE WAY????

the way that scylla haunts the scene before she actually appears implying that she's stalking/circling? augh

the violin is going CRAZY i love it

scylla's voice is SO POWERFUL

love this all tbh

10/10

⚡️MUTINY⚡️

to preface this during the livestream i was yelling into a pillow by the end of this song so i wouldn't wake up my family so there's that

i feel bad for eurylochus dude is just trying to keep everyone alive and odysseus is telling him nothing lately

the growl in "I CAN'T" omg

also during the livestream the animatic for this song fucking SLAPPED

OH SHIT HE GOT STABBED

perimedes <3

"you relied on wit and then we died on it" A U G H

the danger motif is lingering

also this part reuses the melody from zeus' appearance in horse and the infant WE KNOW HE'S COMING BEFORE WE KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING

LUCK RUNS OUT??? AND THEIR POSITIONS ARE SWITCHED???

ODY

the fact odysseus still tries to save them :(

tbh i feel like poseidon and zeus' entrances in the song before theirs terrify you in opposite ways: poseidon you don't know who it is (partially since he didn't show up here in the original myth) since you have no context he just appears. zeus you just hear the thunder and you still know EXACTLY who it is

anyways this is an emotional rollercoaster

12/10

⚡️THUNDER BRINGER⚡️

the first half of this song was just me kicking my feet and giggling over luke's voice ngl

OH FUCK THAT "THE LIVES OF YOUR MEN AND CREW OR YOUR OWN" WASN'T A HYPOTHETICAL

JUST A MAN HHHHHHHHHHHH

BUT THEN ALSO PENELOPE

"captain?" "i have to see her" "but we'll die" "i know" IM SJSBFHSHFBSHFB THE EMOTION IN THEIR VOICES

I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY EURYLOCHUS IS PISSED BUT AT THE SAME TIME WHAT DID HE THINK WOULD HAPPEN

BUT ALSO AT THE SAME TIME I AM SOBBING OVER BOTH OF THESE BETRAYALS

⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️/10

in conclusion

[baenyth]

Bethany's Bizarre Miraculous Reviews Episode 4-12: Crocoduel (Plus an OC!)

Oh baby, another Juleka episode! And with her as a hero instead of an insult to Clownkind! I think Luka's a big part of this episode as well!

I think I've seen those animations before.

Julerose in the first few seconds! Yippee!!!

That was one of the worst lies I've ever heard.

Lovers, ideally, not buddies. I refuse the Adrienette gravy train. It's like if gravy was bad.

I refuse to believe Luka and Juleka are twins. You cannot convince me. I can barely buy them as siblings, honestly. Luka has to be two years older than Juleka and they're half siblings because I doubt Deadbeat Stone would wait even a year to ditch Anarka for fame. My father and his father shared the same birthday, so Luka and Juleka can too!

As always, Juleka is being disrespected.

Oh my god, Marinette is using her braincells outside of Ladybug!

Fuck. Marinette is cooking. She knows she can only be down bad for Adrien. She knows she'll only hurt Luka.

"Talking garbage can? Awesome." Alright, that's the best line of season 4, if not the entire show.

How is Marinette hiding in that garbage can anyways? Is she just noclipping in and out of it or something?

Jagged doesn't even seem aware of Juleka's existence. I can feel myself growing more right. He only seems to acknowledge Luka as his child.

"Hey Juleka, can you make sure your brother isn't at his own birthday party? Thanks."

Oh baby! People apologizing for doing crappy stuff!

Japed

Roblox Flamethrower noise

Oh hey. Woman with Mylene's VA.

You have the space powerup. Which is being forgotten for plot reasons.

Alright, after three and a half seasons of being disrespected with akumatizations, Juleka finally becomes Purple Tigress. I think it's my favorite design and powerset. The ability to generate energy is surprisingly versatile. She can jumpstart cars. She can make ludicrous amounts of heat.

Have Hawkmoth's quips been weaker lately? It feels like they have.

Bellissimo. Juleka is now my favorite character.

Aaaand they had to end the episode with absolute and utter friendzoning. I will rage about this until the end of time or when I write a fic or two about it. Lukanette disrespect.

So yeah. If you noticed in the title, I have an OC to talk about. A Miraculous OC. That goes against the canon in this episode because I refuse to believe it.

His name is Gregory Steel. I think he changed his last name to not be associated with his old family. He has a black 2000s boycut covering his left eye and a goatee that shouldn't look too bad on him. I imagine his default outfit being some jeans and a black T-shirt for the Seattle grunge band he plays bass for, Screaming Crow. He's also a music teacher.

In 2000-2001, he met a French-Canadian woman named Anarka Couffaine, who was tired of big celebrities and wanted to settle down with her infant child. The two hit it off, going inbetween raising a child and working smaller gigs for cash. They even had a child together. However, on that new child's first birthday, the two had a falling-out, albeit one with good communication and the two are still friends to this day. Anarka moved to France to live on a boat in freedom while in the modern day of 2016 Gregory now is married and has two nine-year-old twins: a boy and a girl. Still, he does pay child support and give birthday and Christmas gifts to his other two children, Luka and Juleka. He also does come to visit but infrequently. He doesn't have that much money.

In a hypothetical rewrite, instead of this episode, Gregory decides to come over to Paris on his kids' birthdays, only to see Jagged the deadbeat trot on over and act like he's ever been a loving dad, even worse is the bias he's giving for Luka while ignoring his little darling Juleka. You can probably guess where this goes: Hawkmoth akumatizes him into Screaming Crow, a giant one-eyed crow that screams and attacks Jagged, Purple Tigress still gets introduced because she's the best and I love her and I want her to be the third permanent holder, and so on. I'm pretty sure Marinette and Luka have broken up by now but at the same time Marinette is starting to date Kagami. Or maybe they're still dating.

[g0ttal0ve101]

4,5,6, and 11 :3 for Lulu and Sam (and/or whoever else :33)

GIGGLE!!!!!! :33 sorry this is late btw, i was busy painting my room </3

tw: mentions of child predators/rapists, yandere behavior, and well. murder.

4. How do they feel about sparing women and children if given the choice? Do they value certain lives over others?

Lucian

YES HE 100% HAS VALUES!!

He will never harm a child. Considering the majority of his victims are child predators/rapists, he will do anything in his power to protect children that are involved in the situation. If the victim has a kid themselves, Lucian will ensure that they do NOT witness anything and take them into safety. There has been instances where Lucian takes the child into his own care for a while before returning them to other family members he is sure will properly raise them. If they don’t have any other members of the family that are suitable, Lucian has his own ways of getting them a good home. :3

Oh and women? lmao he doesn’t give a shit he’ll still murder the fuck out of them. EQUAL RIGHTS EQUAL FIGHTS!!!!

Sam

Now with Sam it’s tricky. Gender does not matter in the slightest to him ofc, so women are NOT safe ❌ in fact he murders women THE MAJORITY OF THE TIME LMAO

Now children? um…

I’d like to think that as long as they aren’t in the way of his relationship with Riley, they’re safe. (I’m not sure how one would interfere anyway lmao) but trust. he would not hesitate to murder a child if it meant being with riley. ok? ok.

5. What's their moral compass like?

Lucian

Arguably, his moral compass is FUCKED.

He wants to bring justice to child predators. i mean duh. who wouldn’t. but in the same breath, he doesn’t care to kill “innocent” people too!! however, i will say that he does spare people/won’t target someone he thinks really doesn’t deserve to die.

like yes. he’ll torture some fuck boy who’s homophobic, transphobic, and racist for hours. he’ll bash the head in of some preppy cheerleader who cheats on her boyfriend.

but he’d hesitate if he had his blade up against a girl who was trying to make ends meet for her family. in that case, he’d judge her for a bit longer before making his final decision.

Sam

his moral compass is so beyond twisted.

man or woman, old or young, guilty or innocent, he WILL kill anyone if they get in his way of riley. it doesn’t matter if riley would be upset if they died, it doesn’t matter if he personally loves them, it doesn’t even matter if they’re some dumbass infant. he. will. MURDER THEM IF IT MEANS HAVING RILEY.

ofc he might hesitate if riley begged him not to, but that’s only cause he wants to hear her pretty voice. <3

6. How far would they go to save someone they love? Would they sacrifice themselves? Others?

Lucian

Do you remember that silly little moral compass question I just answered? :3 scratch all of it. every. last. fucking. part. of. it.

he would do anything to save kai no matter if it went against his morals. not only would he sacrifice himself, he would sacrifice EVERYONE around him. no one is safe. not his friends, not what’s left of his family, NOTHING. and he’d smile at the end of it. as long as kai was back in his arms, he’d laugh at everything he did like it was a bad joke or something.

yes, this means he would kill children too. he wouldn’t be too happy about it, but trust. he would. :3

oh! and if we’re talking about a different loved one, (friends for example) he’d be more than willing to do the same. but remember; his loyalty to kai is unmoved. hypothetically if kai were to be the ‘enemy’ in his friends’ story, lucian would not hesitate to betray everyone else for him. take that as you will.

Sam

LMAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOAOA-

he would go ballistic. i mean absolutely ballistic.

unlike lucian, who might feel guilt for sacrificing his friends for kai, SAM WOULD GIVE NO FUCKS. ZERO. NONE. NOPE. they’d be sacrificed in a heartbeat if it ensured riley’s safety. fuck, maybe even if it ensured riley’s happiness. and he’d go to sleep peacefully that night.

sacrificing himself is no question. he’d jump into a pit of acid if it meant riley would be safe and sound. he’d slit his throat if it meant riley would be happy. he’d rip out his friends’ insides if it meant riley’s life prosperity.

now if we’re talking about another loved one, his mom or friends for example, he wouldn’t be as serious. he’d sacrifice himself ofc, but maybe not sacrifice everyone else. he won’t even consider sacrificing riley lmao. not even if it cured his mother’s cancer….

11. Do they have empathy? For whom? For what?

Lucian

this question sorta ties into his moral compass.

lucian is a very empathetic and emotional person. ofc he’d have empathy for some of his victims. shit, even some of his child predator/rapist victims.

WHAT!!! BUT HOW?!! CHILD PREDATORS AND RAPISTS DONT - pause and let me finish. after hours of torturing some of these guys, a lot truth comes out. lucian sometimes come across those who were victims of sexual abuse when they were young, which turned them into who they are today. and for those individuals, lucian can’t help but to feel a little empathy. a little. that doesn’t mean he won’t kill them ofc, but he might go a little easier on them compared to the others. (and ofc he feels empathy for their loved ones who will grieve them.)

and honestly? ik what i said before “equal rights equal fights……” but lucian does sorta have a soft spot for girls… trust he’ll kill them!! but he feels a lil bad sometimes. (especially when he overpowers them so easily….</3)

Sam

it depends, really.

if the victim is related to his riley situation, hardly ever does he have any sort of empathy for them. he justifies their death in his mind way before he goes out to do it, telling himself they’re a disgrace to humanity, even if they really aren’t. maybe he’d feel empathy if he knew they were truly innocent. maybe.

the only time i think he’d truly feel empathy for one of his victims is after they’re already dead. then, he really starts thinking about the consequences it’s going to leave everyone around them. their family, their friends, their goals, their achievements, everything was thrown away just for the simple fact that they were caught up in something they shouldn’t have been. that doesn’t mean he’ll stop ofc, but he might smoke a cigarette and think about it.

if the victim is totally unrelated to his riley situation, more times than not they deserve it. like. DESERVE IT. sam only really targets those who did him wrong or are known for being terrible people. so hardly ever does he feel empathy lol.

[thehmn]

This post is inspired by a friend of mine who belongs to a couple of queer groups and expressed worry about younger people who react with hostility to people who don’t know enough about the queer community and accidentally say harmful things, but doesn’t want to educate people in a gentle way because “it’s not their job”. My friend worried people expect outsiders to be too aware of communities they’re not in and told me “You’d be a perfect example. Not even people in the queer community know much about you”

What they mean by that: I’m intersex. My body is much closer to a mix between the standard “female” and “male” than the large majority.

What does that make you think about me? What do you think my gender experience is like? What did you think I had to go through? Did you for a fleeting second wonder what my genitalia looks like? How I have sex? What kind of sexual partners I have?

Now, how many of your thoughts and assumptions do you think are wrong or maybe even harmful? Are there questions you think are okay to ask and others that would be offensive? How do you know? Maybe the questions you think are tame touch on something that’s a major hot-button issue for intersex people. If I reacted with hostility to you simply asking if it is okay to ask questions at all, how would you feel about that?

This is all meant to be hypothetical questions. It’s just to give you an idea of what it’s like to be on the outside. And of course no one should be expected to conform and be the perfect poster child for their group or hold everybody’s hand, sit them down and gently explain everything to them. There’s a lot of assholes who don’t deserve it, but I think there’s even more people who accidentally say stupid shit because they don’t know any better. I’m very grateful for all the people who didn’t attack me when I was being stupid but instead educated me. It’s thanks to them I’ve improved and continue to improve. They’ve inspired me and I try to follow their example.

So if you care to know: Intersex people are diverse like everybody else, so what is offensive to some is a-okay to others.

Physically I lean closer to female than male, but it’s common for children to ask if I’m a boy or a girl. Some adults get confused too. Depending on how I dress or how far away I am people have assumed I’m a butch lesbian, a transwoman, or a transman. Because my fat deposits are very masculine it’s very common for people to think I’m a pregnant woman because I get the classic male “beer belly”.

I personally don’t have a strong gender identity but prefer female pronouns because that’s what I’m used to. Other intersex people have very strong gender identities and might even get angry if you ask if they are gender queer in any way. To many it’s considered extremely offensive to use intersex people to make a point about the fluidity of gender so it’s probably best to avoid that comparison unless you are intersex.

I’ve gone through a lot of phases where I either tried to be more feminine to feel less like a freak or own my masculine side. If the internet had been more common when I was a child I might have convinced myself that I was trans just to find a label and an identity (I hope people understand that I’m not saying trans people are delusional, just that I was in an unusual situation)

People have asked me if it’s offensive to use intersex people for erotica but characters they call intersex are always more like futanari with fully functional penis, balls and vagina. Intersex genitalia is often more of a mix. You might not even be able to tell from the outside but on the inside they might have an extremely shallow or non-existent vagina or no uterus. There’s a lot of possibilities that are usually not considered all that sexy. I personally have a jotun character inspired by the jotun Ymir from Norse Mythology who had both male and female genitalia and had children with himself. I call that double-sexed instead of intersex.

For years it was assumed that I had PCOS because as the doctor said “You don’t have any of the things we usually use to give the diagnosis but you have the symptoms so you must have PCOS?” The symptoms being a lot of male characteristics. I was put on hormone therapy to correct it. One gynecologist asked if I had been mutilated during a cancer operation a few years earlier because my downstairs didn’t look quite right. I only found out I was intersex a few years ago when another gynecologist asked if I got periods. Confused I said yes to which he responded “Oh okay. It’s just that I can tell you’re intersex and you often don’t get periods” Let’s just say we had a long talk after that.

So for me it was just a nagging feeling that something was off, especially after sex education in school because I didn’t quite fit the diagrams and some of the things the teacher said were impossible and if we experienced those things we were probably just doing it wrong. Well, they fit me and for years I was wondering what I was doing wrong.

For other people they find out later that they were operated on as infants to fit into a gender that they may or may not identify with later in life and they fight for children’s right to not be operated on.

For that reason some intersex people want to be included in the queer community while others want to be left out because they consider it a “body thing” more than a “brain thing”

So like I said, we’re diverse but I hope you feel a bit more informed. If you set out to learn more, just know that few things are a universal experience so just because I’m okay with telling you these thing, any of them could be super touchy for another person.

And as you can probably tell, I very much agree with my friend which is why I made the post. You do you, but I do believe it’s worth being patient with people who don’t seem to have bad intentions. And a big thank you to those who were patient with me.

[antialiasis]

Morphic: the Musical

The Thousand Roads forums have a fanfic music thread. While I don't really do those kinds of threads usually because I don't really listen to a very wide variety of music and generally have a hard time associating music that already exists with unrelated fiction, one of the questions in it is this:

Talk about what would happen if some Broadway hit-maker scooped up your fic and turned it into a script. What songs would be in it? Describe a dance number/dance battle?

And immediately, the musical analysis glint lit up in my eyes. This question was presumably intended in a lighthearted jokey sort of way - imagining some fight staged as a dance battle, a hypothetical Broadway hit-maker doing the adaptation. But that's not enough for me, say I! Musicals are a good and interesting medium for serious fiction that I care about and I am going to serious this up.

See, to me, the musical format has two major strengths as a narrative medium. The first is that it can explore the inner worlds of characters in a pretty unique way. Characters get to monologue in a sort of heightened, non-literal manner, intensified by music: we can learn what they're about, what makes them tick, what's going on in their heads in a particular moment, in a way that wouldn't really make sense presented as actual inner monologue in another medium. The music aspect itself then adds a layer to it that's impossible to replicate in any other.

The second strength of the musical format is that it's really good at highlighting recurring themes, parallels and contrasts. Reprise the same melody, the same lyric, a parallel but opposite lyric, and you've instantly connected two things together. Is there a character arc? You can highlight what has changed. Are there two characters going through something similar? You can draw that out. Is there a recurring theme throughout? Use a recurring lyric, a recurring melodic phrase! Nudge the viewer into forming connections! Delicious! And you can do subtler things on the music level itself - particular instruments with particular connotations, recurring motifs...

So naturally I decided I should think up what a musical adaptation of Morphic would be like. It'd be a fun exercise in putting all my thoughts on musical adaptations into practice, but also an interesting way to help sort out some of my thoughts about characters arcs, etc. for the actual Morphic rewrite. And in the process, I may have gone slightly overboard. I regret nothing.

(I'm about to spoil most of the fic here, if this wasn't obvious)

Morphic: the Musical - tracklist

(Note: this musical is not sung-through; there are regular non-musical sections with regular dialogue in between. Morphic would almost definitely not make for a good sung-through musical.)

Act I

[Intro song] (Brian)

A monologue by Brian at the TV studio as he tries to work through what to say, how to explain or justify any of this (which conveniently serves to exposit to the audience as well as introduce his character). He makes nervous false starts and cuts himself off, starting the verse over each time, and through these false starts we learn what's going on, that the press has been calling them Pokémorphs, that this was all Dave's idea, that alcohol was involved, that it was meant as a basis for further research, that there were never supposed to be *children*, that he doesn't know what he'd even do with a kid, that Dave roped him into going on this show because he couldn't.

[Dave song] (Dave)

This musical properly introduces us to Dave via Jane walking out on him followed by this song, wherein he contemplates chucking baby Jean out the window. It's a dark rock song with big emotional contrasts and raw lyrics that is almost definitely my favorite song in this musical in the hypothetical reality where it is an actual musical and I didn't write it, because I am me. Probably starts with a couple slower lines of desperate disbelief before launching into wild anger about fuck that fucking whore, followed by what I will be referring to as the everything-is-shit verse (please bear with me), just a general cynicism rant about why the world is a shitty place not worth living in, followed by him wildly fantasizing about killing his infant child. What a delightful human being that I adore. The song ends abruptly, he's standing there staring at her in his arms for a moment, then he silently goes to feed her. On the soundtrack you probably might think he just did it.

Fatherhood (Brian)

A montage song covering the timeskip, which probably reprises [Intro song]. Brian initially has no idea what to do with his new squirming horrorblob child and is convinced he will screw it up the way he tends to screw up everything. Makes a couple of false starts again, but then gains confidence as time passes as he genuinely bonds with Gabriel and legitimately thinks he's a pretty amazing kid. There's a repeated line along the lines of that Gabriel's a weird, weird kid, but he's his, initially in a tone of "oh god I'm responsible for him what do" but towards the end is said with pride and fondness.

[Villain song] (Isaac and Jacob)

A duet between the two brothers, exploring what makes them tick. Isaac is all about this heavy pressure and sense of responsibility, originally imposed by his father, that he continues to impose on himself. He's been appointed to take over leading the family/cult and was raised with that constantly in the back of his mind as his future, and he believes that they're God's true righteous people and he cannot go wrong. He has dreams with some regularity that he interprets as visions from God, as he has been encouraged to since childhood by his father. When he has one about murder, it frightens him but he sees it as basically a divinely-appointed mission.

Jacob privately doesn't really believe any of that. He is trapped in this cult and goes through the motions but is not actually driven by any of the things that are driving Isaac. He's fairly quiet for most of the song - as Isaac is going on about his vision, Jacob has a line here and there obliquely challenging it, but Isaac has an answer for everything, and he doesn't press it, instead moving seamlessly on to suggestions for how he should do it. Jacob gets a quiet variant of part of the everything-is-shit verse from [Dave song], expressing the same kind of cynicism in a more reproachful, apathetic way - all in his own head, of course.

Just Like My Hero (Jean and Will)

Jean sings about how she is just like her hero, Sarah Hooter! Starts off describing how they look the same, moves on from there to how she will torch anyone who's mean, etc., just like her hero. Halfway through, Will joins in, and it becomes a counterpoint duet: Jean may be immature and ridiculous, but he deeply wishes he was confident and adored and nothing would get to him, and he admires and envies that about her. His just like my hero has a bit more of an ironic vibe, he'd hardly properly call her his hero, but he looks up to her more than he'd normally admit nonetheless.

Storming the Castle (Jack and Gabriel)

Jack and Gabriel are playing a D&D game with their friends, arguing about the best course of action. Jack is eager to waltz into the bad guys' fortress, storm the castle, while Gabriel urges lying low, says they're too weak. Jack wants to take the leap and try it; Gabriel insists no, we're not taking the leap, it's stupid. "It's brave!" Jack counters. (In the end, Gabriel gives in and they go ahead with it, and it goes fine.)

Unique (Mia and Lucy)

Mia and Lucy play one of their games. The song is about how Lucy needs someone like Mia to challenge her and let her actually indulge her powers, which are otherwise unsettling to people and she's ashamed and self-conscious about them, while Mia needs someone like Lucy to get a real outlet for her hunter's instinct. The word the lyrics are built around is unique; by being the precise way they are, they are each the only person who can provide this for the other.

Mia doesn't sing. She speaks her lyrics in her usual monotone, not even rhythmically. They also don't rhyme. It's technically a duet but really it's just Lucy singing and Mia talking.

[Peter/Katherine song] (Peter and Katherine)

A counterpoint duet between the siblings, contrasting their experience as Pokémorphs. Peter can pretty easily hide that he's different and be treated mostly as a normal kid, and feels free in his privilege, not confined quite the way the others are, able to be a bit reckless and incautious. Katherine, meanwhile, has a very different experience, being extremely noticeably different, getting stared at, and struggling with basic activities, and feels a huge sense of responsibility weighing her down, worrying about Peter and grounding him and reining him in. There's a lyrical contrast involving something something bird freedom plant rooted down something.

Brian's Death (Isaac and Dave)

This is one of those mostly-instrumental pieces that they include on the soundtrack anyway, but Isaac gets a couple of sung nondiegetic lines in here, a sort of frantic excitement, realizing in a brief panic that he shot the wrong guy before rationalizing that God must have planned it this way.

Dave is probably also in there screaming and attempting to call the police, because I am always in favor of screaming and panicking on musical soundtracks.

The Funeral (Gabriel and Jack)

Begins with Gabriel at the church during the funeral, singing about his vague discomfort being there, but slowly becomes increasingly frantic and anxious, working up to a breakdown where he exits and finally manages to cry for his dad. There's a verse about little things, how they ordered pizza the night before he died, etc., culminating in the bit about him having been in the middle of this mystery novel and never getting to learn who did it; the verse trails off quietly there, backing instruments gone, as Gabriel breaks down. Jack follows to comfort him.

Act II

[Montage song] (everyone)

A montage of the days after the attack, where everyone gets a couple lines about how they're coping, scared and grieving.

Dave's lines are like, spoken slightly too desperate annoyance at having to do some work that Brian didn't get to finish, or rebuking somebody who asks how he's doing by saying he barely even knew Brian. He is not singing along with this kind of grief-porn bullshit, fuck you.

[Villain song II] (Isaac and Jacob)

The brothers come up with a new plan. Isaac is agitated, reprising some of his bits from the original villain song in a quicker, more frantic tempo, while Jacob picks up the slack, walking him through a new idea. Isaac takes to it with conviction and goes back to the original melody/tempo, talking again about his God-given purpose. Jacob does not join in with any of that, only with the bits about the actual plan.

The Kidnapping (instrumental)

I'm just going to say this is on the soundtrack too and contains panicked Gabriel noises because I want it to be.

Storming the Castle Reprise (Jack)

Jack tries to rally the others for a rescue mission, echoing the D&D game from Act I. The lines about storming the castle and taking the leap make a reappearance.

Just Like My Hero Reprise (Jean)

Jean, on the bus, miserably contemplates how she is unlike her hero. Again, it begins with a verse talking about how she looks - not a thing like Sarah Hooter anymore - but then moves on to how she's scared and pathetic and running away, unlike anything a hero would do.

Church Sequence (Will, Jack, Mia)

A single track, largely instrumental/dialogue/sound effects, with a couple of brief song snippets:

- Will reprises "Just Like My Hero" as he wills himself to go on. He is cut off mid-line as he is shot.

- Mia slits that guy's throat and she actually sings a few words, for the first and only time, before she is also cut off mid-line by a gunshot. The line is something about, like, warm blood in her face or the guy's satisfying death throes, reprising part of the melody of "Unique".

Strong (Gabriel)

Gabriel discovers his powers. Starts slowly, calling back to the bits from "Storming the Castle" about lying low, being weak. But as the song continues and he makes his discovery, the tempo builds, and he starts reprising Jack's bits instead: he is strong, taking the leap, storming the castle.

Perish Song (Lucy)

Another brief reprise of "Unique", distorted and deafening and terrifying, mourning her sister.

[In the Hospital] (Jack and Gabriel)

The two of them work out their feelings about what happened. Includes Jack going "It was stupid" (i.e. the rescue mission) and Gabriel responding "It was brave", echoing the bit where they said the opposite in "Storming the Castle". Jack blames himself for how it all turned out, feels stupid and weak, while Gabriel actually felt kind of awesome. (This is also calling back to their opposite bits of "Storming the Castle".) They end with a shared duet verse as they realize they've both got that same innate desire to fight and win. Possibly calls back to the weird, weird kid line from "Fatherhood".

Eulogy (Dave)

Dave's eulogy for Mia (which also touches on Will, but this is Mia's funeral). It reprises "Unique". There will never again be anyone like the two of them, two of the only truly unique people on this Earth. (And, while he doesn't say it straight out because hahahaha, he needed Mia, too).

Taking the Leap (Jack and Gabriel)

Jack's suicide attempt and his swirling inner turmoil as he tries to talk himself into taking the leap once again. Gabriel, of course, comes in with don't take that leap. Am I overusing this one line by putting it in like half the songs in this thing? Well, who's going to stop me.

[Peter/Katherine song reprise] (Peter and Katherine)

The two of them contemplate indefinite house arrest (in contrast to the freedom Peter's enjoyed most of his life) and Katherine's failure to stop all this (despite her sense of responsibility). In the end, they both find their own ways to accept the new state of things and support each other through this.

Finale (Dave and Jean)

After Dave breaks down on his couch and Jean comes in to ask what's wrong, Dave sings a reprise of the everything-is-shit verse, going over the many things he's angry about, because that is the only emotion involved here clearly. At the exact point where Dave's song originally went from there to fantasizing about throwing her off the balcony, Jean throws her arms around him and sniffles "It'll be okay, Dad," and after a stunned "What? Jean, I'm--", he continues with a slow, hesitant *inverted* reprise of the everything-is-shit verse, "Everything'll be fine", constructing a little fantasy reality for her (and himself) where everything turns out all right in the end. It's backed by, like, a simple, quiet, slower piano rendition of the original melody, and trails off at the end, never quite coming to a satisfying conclusion before he tells Jean she should go back to bed.

[duhragonball]

Bulma

Give me a character and I will answer:

Why I like them: Somewhere around 1998, Kurt Busiek took over as the writer for the Iron Man comic.   This was back when Iron Man wasn’t particularly popular and the last two attempts to reboot the guy had failed.   I read an interview in Wizard Magazine where Kurt promoted his upcoming run, and he explained the character this way: Tony Stark is a superhero, an inventor, a ladies’ man, and a billionaire.    You could have a blast writing a comic book about any one of those four things, but he’s all four.    I may have gotten those four items wrong, partly because it’s been 22 years, and partly because it was more famous when Robert Downey Junior echoed that pitch in 2012.    Take away the armor, and what is he?   A billionaire genius philanthropist.   

My point is that this is the appeal to Bulma as well.    When we first meet her, she’s an adventurer, but then we find out she invented the device that lets her locate the Dragon Balls.  And her mission is a romantic quest, so she’s like the heroine in a romance story.    Then we meet her parents, and it turns out she’s a wealthy heiress.    Well, I’m assuming Dr. Brief doesn’t plan on leaving his fortune to all of his pets, but you get the idea.  

There’s a lot of versatility to the character.   Some arcs barely make use of her, but others take full advantage.    You can plop her in almost any scenario and it works.    You want to write her at a fancy charity dinner?   She’d fit right in.   You want her teaching shop class in your high school AU?   No problem at all.   You want her to seduce a bad guy?     You want her to shoot a bad guy?    You want her to be the bad guy?   It all works.  

The main thing people dislike about Bulma is the way she treated Yamcha when they were together, and she’s kind of a jerk a lot of the time.    Fair point, but I think this adds to the character.   If she were sweet as could be and a rich, attractive polymath, she’d be downright insufferable.    Also, her attitude plays off of the compassion she shows through the series.   I can’t explain her behavior around Yamcha, but she did offer free room and board to the entire population of Namek, so I feel like that needs to be taken into consideration.

Why I don’t: In the first... hundred or so episodes of DBZ, Bulma doesn’t get a lot of chances to shine, despite all the screentime they gave her.   Early into my DBZ-watching experience, I found her to be something like a shriller version of TMNT’s April O’Neil, a sidekick whose job was to look cute and get into danger so the good guys could save her.   She really doesn’t get back into her groove until she returns to Earth, and once I saw those episodes, and her time in the original Dragon Ball, the character began to make a lot more sense.   Really, the Bulma in DBZ #1 through 108 was probably intended to demonstrate how out-of-hand the situation was.   She fixed the scouter and then it exploded.   She fixed Nappa’s spaceship and it exploded.   She fixed Kami’s spaceship and then Namek exploded.    She just couldn’t keep up with the crisis. 

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

Not exactly any one episode, but one of my favorite bits in the Red Ribbon Army Sagas is that the RRA has their own Dragon Radar, but it’s not portable, or anywhere near as precise as the one Bulma invented.    It’s Goku’s biggest advantage during that conflict, and when it breaks, there’s literally no one else who can fix it.    Those magic babies from Arale could make a new one, but I’m pretty sure they only did that by copying the design or something.   And the RRA assumes that Goku must have an entire team of scientists providing him with logistical support, and that Master Roshi must be their leader, since he’s so old.  

Also, near the end of the arc, Bulma needs to call Yamcha on the phone, but Roshi doesn’t have one, and then Turtle suggests that Bulma should just build one from scratch, since she had just finished building a robot drone a few episodes earlier.    And she’s like “Oh, yeah, I forgot I knew how to do that.”

Favorite season/movie: The Androids/Cell arc is a big deal because it has two Bulmas, and her son is in it too.   

And this is what I mean when I talk about versatility.    That Super Dragon Ball Heroes series has two Gokus and two Vegetas, and I have no idea why, because they’re exactly the same, except one pair does SSJ4 and the other does Super Saiyan Blue.   Bulma’s got more layers, so in a story like this, you can have 30-something Bulma care for an infant son and tackle logistical problems while she figures out her relationship with Vegeta, while the 50-something Bulma in the future can be this strong-yet-gentle post-apocalyptic survivalist, who hopes for a better tomorrow as she longs for her fallen friends.  

Favorite line: I’m gonna stray from the canon for a minute, because I’m having trouble coming up with something, but in DBZ Abridged, when she’s arguing with Vegeta during his training session, they just start shouting “Fuck you!” at each other.    Then she stops and says: “My room.    Ten minutes.” 

And holy shit, the delivery on that line was incredible. I knew they’d try to do something to set up their relationship, but there’s no footage to do that with, so they did it all with one line and some killer VA work.

Favorite outfit: This is a big, big wardrobe to choose from, but I’m partial to the one she wore in the Imperfect Cell Saga.

I can’t really explain the appeal, but I like this hairstyle and the clothing looks like authentic stuff you could actually buy at a store, which just makes it feel more real, even though it’s not any more detailed than her other outfits.    I’m not sure that makes any sense.    The trucker hat looks cute on her, let’s leave it there.

OTP: You know, there’s a lot of chemistry between Bulma and Yajirobe, and even though it’s kind of a rarepair, I can’t help but-- Okay, it’s her and Vegeta.   I’ll stop messing around.   

Brotp: Definitely her and Goku.  I’m imagining the set up to the DBS Broly movie going like this.

“Hey, I’m gonna invite Goku along on our trip.    That way you can fight him when you get bored.”

“Why do you keep asking him to tag along I can’t stand him.” 

“Yeah, but I like him and I paid for the resort, so I guess you gotta deal with it.” 

“...”  

Then he shows up and she sends him on some ridiculous mission to search the ocean floor for sunken treasure or something.   

Head Canon: Future Bulma does tech support in Toki Toki/Conton City, because Xenoverse is canon and the Goku Black Saga can just bugger right off because it never happened.   

She shows up from time to time to check on all the Capsule Corp tech in the city, and she drops by just to say hi to her boy, and also she has coffee with my Mary Sue OC, because Future Bulma appreciates how tough and cool my writing is.

Unpopular opinion: The Vegebul ship probably gets way too much attention.  Not that it’s a bad ship or that it doesn’t deserve the attention, but it feels like a buffet where all anyone gets is ranch dressing.    They just ignore the rest of the spread and fill an entire bowl with ranch and head back to the table to drink it.   Then they come right back and line up for another helping.  

I’m not knocking it.   I have a Vegebul calendar in my kitchen.   But it reminds me of how the “comics fandom” in the late 90′s was really just an X-Men fandom that acknowledged that other comic books hypothetically existed.

They’re gonna come after me now, aren’t they?

A wish: A lifetime supply of strawberries does sound kind of nice...

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: I hope we’re done with Bulma’s Resurrection F outfit for good.   The cowboy boots, no, we’re done with that. 

5 words to best describe them: Five would never be enough.

My nickname for them: Don’t have one.   Vegeta calls her “woman”, but I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t go over well if I started doing that.

[tinybibmpreg]

Prompt 2/80, #36 - Did you honestly think that was going to impress me? ft. two of my S/tar T/rek ocs, Captain Cipher Nine and Li Ilik Dari’Oza

USS Sifr: Unimpressed

“Did you honestly think that was going to impress me?” Li Ilik drawled, leaning back against a workstation. He crossed his arms across his chest the best he could with two infants strapped there, tilted his head, and leveled Cipher with a glare so unimpressed Cipher slouched. He'd felt like quite the hero when he first turned around to see what his partner thought of his success in a firefight. Now that feeling of victory was rapidly fading away.

Even their daughters looked sorely disinterested in him, and they were just babies.

Foolishly, Cipher answered, “Kind of?”

Li Ilik’s scathing retort was instantaneous, “You wasted resources, time, took damage that could have been avoided, used tactics that were juvenile and utterly predictable, not at all suited to the situation at hand, and you were woefully unprepared. You spent far too much time trying to negotiate as well when we were immediately attacked.”

“I wasn't unprepared.”

“Oh, you were. If I'd been the captain-”

Cipher barely suppressed a grin, perking up. Li Ilik only pulled out that hypothetical in their debates when he was faltering in coming up with arguments, flustered and trying to rile him up fast. He wasn’t really unimpressed, despite the glare. “This is a Starfleet ship, Li. I'm far more suited.”

Li Ilik scoffed. “It doesn't matter. I have far more military experience than you. Don't forget, I was once the second in command of the flagship of the Cardassian military. Second only to-”

He was interrupted by a sharp, “I thought Captain Cipher did really well, Dari’Oza. It's been a while since you were even Dal, right? I bet you'd be rather rusty. You don't know what you're talking about.”

Cipher rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation as his first officer spoke. Even after so much time, the man didn't seem to realize Cipher didn't need his reputation or orders defended, especially not from Li Ilik, who criticized everything he did as Captain, according to traditional Cardassian courtship. It was the easiest and most passionate argument they could have. Li Ilik straightened immediately, tail lashing. His grey protofeathers ruffled, and he growled before storming off of the bridge. Well, not really storming, exactly, Cipher thought. With two babies always strapped to his chest or tucked in his arms, and a heavily pregnant belly hanging off of his slim figure, Li Ilik waddled off a bit more than he stalked off, lately.

It was very funny to watch, even though Cipher knew Li Ilik only took off like that instead of verbally ripping into whoever he felt insulted him when he was upset. Being pregnant again had made the Cardassian rather emotional. Cipher wanted to go after him, but he had work to do as Captain. He couldn't just run off right after a battle. He needed to review damage reports, assign repair teams, be there in case another ship showed up. Get the ship back in top shape before they could continue on their mission course. Then he could go see if Li Ilik was still offended.

“Okay. Do we have an update on the hull and shield status?”

“Yes, Captain. There was a hull breach near engineering, but no casualties. They're already fixing it. The shield is on its way back to 100%.”

“Excellent.” Cipher sat down in his chair and settled into his role as Captain.

For all of three minutes. Then his second officer walked in, looking a bit confused. Cipher greeted her, “Ah. Lieutenant Commander Rian. You have a report?”

“Um, yes. Though, uh, is Dari’Oza alright? I passed him on my way up. I thought he would be on the bridge- it looked like he was crying, almost…”

Li Ilik rarely cried, even when hormonal and overemotional in his pregnancy. Work would have to wait. Cipher stood up. “Commander, can you man the bridge for me? I’ll be back later.”

“Sure, Captain. I'll take that report then, Rian.” 

Cipher walked out of the bridge and onto the elevator. Once the doors closed, he asked for the lift to bring him to deck 8, where the Captain’s quarters were. He tapped his foot as it descended. He tried not to think about how slow the turbolift was when he was impatient, as it’d only make it seem even longer.

When the lift finally stopped on his deck, he practically leaped off of it, heading towards his quarters. He kept his pace quick in case he passed anyone. His crew tended to leave him be if he looked like he was in a hurry to get somewhere. Rian always told him he could be quite intense when he was determined, whether that be when he was having a conversation, fighting a battle, or simply making his way through the ship corridors.

As soon as he was in front of his quarters, he slapped the entrance panel and stepped in, calling, “Li? Girls?”

No sign of Li Ilik or the twins in the living room or dining area. Cipher reached out to give his cat, Fox, a pat on the head as he went for the master bedroom, which was currently shut. A rarity, since Cipher insisted it be kept open at all times so his cat could go in and out of the bedroom as she pleased. Li Ilik had grown fond of the animal the past few years, sometimes preferring her company over Cipher’s. He never closed the door unless he was very upset, too upset for even Fox to comfort.

He clicked for the door to open, but it stayed shut. Now very worried, he input his override code. The door slid open and he headed into the dimly lit room. Li Ilik was curled up on the bed, his face buried into a pillow to muffle his crying. His shoulders were wracked with sobs. The girls were sound asleep on the bed, each on their nursing pillows, with their father’s tail wrapped around them. Cipher rushed to his side, climbing onto the bed but being careful not to disturb the girls. “Li!”

“Go away.”

“No, you’re upset. I want you to talk to me.” He rubbed Li Ilik’s back. “Please?”

Li Ilik lifted his tear-stained face a bit. “Why bother? You know what’s wrong.”

“The thing with Commander Gaines?” 

Li Ilik nodded. Cipher pulled him up so he could hold him. Li Ilik kept a firm hold on the pillow but leaned against him. Cipher exhaled with relief. At least Li Ilik wasn’t angry with him, or else he would have fought the hold or pulled away. He reached over and pulled the girls closer, so Li Ilik could keep his tail around them. When he tried to kiss his temple, Li Ilik turned his head. So he was definitely upset with him, and not so much the first officer.

Cipher kissed the top of his head anyway. Normally he loved feeling the soft grey protofeathers that made up his husband’s hair, but now he couldn’t focus on that. “He’s a bit temperamental. Still, he shouldn’t have said that to you.”

Li Ilik shook his head, more tears welling up in his eyes. Cipher felt a bit helpless. It’d never bothered Li Ilik before when the first officer argued with him. Sure, he’d get offended, but he’d always get over it fairly quickly. But now it seemed like it was something a bit more than Gaines making a needless retort, something he’d missed.

“If the Commander didn’t upset you, what did? Did something happen on your way here?”

“You didn’t defend me!” Li Ilik cried. “You let him speak to me like that!”

“But you’ve never gotten upset about him before?”

“I don’t care what he says! He’s just some sycophant Federaji lackey-” Cipher filed that phrase away to laugh at later when all of this was over with and he was allowed to find it funny. “But you never defend me!”

“I- I didn’t know I needed to do that. You always defend yourself so well. You never seem to need my help.”

“How could you think that?” Li Ilik sobbed. “Do you find it okay that your subordinates flirt or offend me in front of you?”

“I don’t think Gaines was flirting with you,” Cipher said, then immediately wished he hadn’t. That wasn’t what he should have focused on.

“It doesn’t matter whether he was flirting or arguing with me!” Li Ilik hissed at him, voice rising. One of the girls mumbled and Li Ilik glanced down at her. He touched her with the tip of his tail, and she settled down. He crumpled, burying his face into the pillow again and sobbing miserably.

Cipher hugged him tightly, but Li Ilik squirmed out of his grip. “I don’t like when Gaines or the others upset you.”

“Then why do you let them do that? You’re the Captain, your subordinates shouldn’t be talking to your mate like that, especially not in front of you, in front of everyone, in front of our daughters, when I’m carrying your children-”

Man, Cipher thought, it really was bad that he was letting those things slide. He should have realized that his husband wanted him to speak up for him like a proper Cardassian mate would have. Or like a proper mate at all would have. Being human wasn’t even an excuse.

“I’ll talk to Gaines about it, I promise.” That seemed to soothe Li Ilik. Cipher kissed his hunter-eye, and Li Ilik took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself. “I’m sorry I let things get this bad, Li. Shouldn’t have let you get into this state.”

“If you were Cardassian, this never would have happened. You would have kept all your men in line from the start,” Li Ilik told him, and Cipher knew he’d been forgiven.

“Oh, if I were Cardassian, you wouldn’t like me nearly as much.”

Li Ilik gave him an unimpressed glare, somehow just as effective even with his face wet with tears and his hair all ruffled.

Cipher grinned and kissed him, then pecked extra kisses on his cheek for good measure. Li Ilik pulled away to wipe off his face and try to fix his hair. “Enough, enough.”

“Oh, man, it freaks me out when you’re upset.”

“Then you should endeavor to be the best husband possible, so I’m not upset again,” Li Ilik told him, jabbing at his chest. “I don’t expect to cry again until you die and leave me a widower with four children to look after.”

Cipher rolled his eyes. “I won’t be dying that soon, geez.”

“Good.” Li Ilik thought for a moment and then added, “Unless of course, you die in an idiotic way. Then I won’t be crying over you.”

“I’ll die as a hero and you and the girls will weep over my body or what’s left of it in front of everyone, or in such a ridiculous way that you’ll be crying tears of frustration over how I could be such a fool. Deal?”

Li Ilik scoffed. Then, he asked, “Do you have to go back to the bridge?”

“Nah, I think Gaines and Rian have it handled. I’ll stay here with you and the girls until they need me.”

“Help me hold the children.” Li Ilik reached to gently pick up one of their daughters, careful not to wake her up. Cipher reached around Li Ilik to pick up the other twin and placed her in Li Ilik’s arm. Once he had them comfortably laying against his chest, the both of them nuzzling against the base of his throat, Li Ilik leaned back against Cipher. Smiling, Cipher wrapped his arms around Li Ilik, resting his hands on his belly.

It was nice to have his whole family in his arms. Cipher made sure to cherish it. The girls were going to get bigger and it’d be impossible for Li Ilik to try to hold two almost-toddlers and two newborns, though Cipher was certain that he’d try. And then as all the kids grew it’d be more and more difficult to fit them.

“Hello there, Fox.” Meowing, Cipher’s cat hopped up onto the bed and plodded around before sitting next to her owner and kneading the blankets. He scratched behind her ears and was glad when she started purring. Then she stood, stretched, and flopped down against him.

Now he had his whole family, he realized.

But before he could settle in again and maybe try giving Li Ilik some more kisses, his commbadge chimed. “Rian to Captain Cipher.”

Cipher sighed and hit his badge. “Cipher here.”

“Captain, we’re receiving a long-distance message from a ship similar to the one that attacked us. We need you on the bridge.”

“Put the ship on yellow alert and increase sensors, make sure to keep an eye on that ship, try to get a visual. I’m on my way. Cipher out.”

Grumbling, Li Ilik looked disappointed. Cipher detached himself from them, guiding his husband to lean against a pile of pillows.

“Duty calls,” Cipher said apologetically, giving Li Ilik another kiss. He pressed a kiss to the top of his daughter’s heads, and then one to Fox’s. She gave a small ‘mew’ in response. Finally, he dipped his head to press two kisses to Li Ilik’s belly, pulling up his shirt to kiss against his skin.

“H-hey!”

“Stay safe and get some rest. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He headed out of the bedroom, but then stopped and dipped his head back in. Smirking, he said, “And by the way, I think I made excellent decisions in battle as Captain today.”

Completely flustered, Li Ilik hissed back, “No, you didn’t!”

“Love you too, Li. Love you, girls!” Grinning like a fool, he left his quarters and went to the bridge.

-

As it turned out, the ship that had attacked them was a stolen ship commandeered by criminals, and the ship contacting them, a military ship in pursuit of the theives, was very grateful for the sensor readings they could provide and the course heading of where the damaged ship had run away after being overpowered. They were given permission to head to the ship’s system of origin, an invitation of first contact.

It would take three days to get there, and once things were underway and all repairs were sorted out and started, Cipher stood up, beamed down at his first officer, and said, “Commander, can I see you in my ready room?”

“Of course, Captain.”

Cipher led Gaines into his ready room. He sat down behind his desk and flicked at a stray marble that had escaped its display container. It rolled towards the edge of the desk but bumped into the little siding he’d had installed to prevent his collection from falling.

Gaines sat down in front of the desk, watching him flick the marble. “Did you want to go over first contact procedures, sir?”

“Oh, no. We won’t be able to do that until tomorrow anyway when we get that information packet from their capital they promised.”

“Then what is it, sir? I thought you’d be headed straight down to your quarters once things were quiet, to be with your family.”

“Once this is done with, I will.” Cipher plucked up the marble and set it back where it belonged. “And funny that you bring up my family, actually-”

“Yeah, Rian already ripped into me about earlier. I didn’t mean to make Dari’Oza cry, sir. He’s just… very insulting.”

Cipher shrugged. “I know you don’t like my husband. Cardassians can be an acquired taste.”

“I don’t think it’s a taste I’ll get used to.”

Cipher appreciated that Gaines was so honest, and he liked him. He hoped that Gaines wouldn’t be too upset. Li Ilik’s feelings mattered more, though.

“I hope you’re not aware that Cardassians flirt by arguing, Drew. I know Li and I probably shouldn’t be so brazen on the bridge, but in a proper Cardassian romance, the couple argues all the time. It’s very fun, getting riled up.”

“I… I didn’t know that, Captain.”

“I tried to give you time to figure it out so I didn’t embarrass you, but then I realized enough is enough. Even if Li Ilik wasn’t just doing a Cardassian courting tradition, I don’t like how you speak to him. You shouldn’t be purposefully trying to argue with or offending your captain’s spouse, especially not when he’s pregnant. And you absolutely shouldn’t be so disrespectful in front of the bridge crew, in front of me, and in front of our daughters.”

Gaines looked thoroughly ashamed. “I’m sorry, Captain. I shouldn’t have been unprofessional.”

“Great! I look forward to things being better from now on. Also, I think Li Ilik is, hm… a bit pettier now that he’s so pregnant, so he’ll probably try to rile you up to upset you. Not in the good way that he does to me, either. Use all of your training and Starfleet determination to resist, okay?”

“Captain…!”

“I’d tell him not to, but it would not go over well. Imagine telling an almost full-term pregnant human not to do something. That would be a disaster. Now imagine telling a Cardassian. Yeah, that won’t happen.” Cipher laughed. “Dismissed, Commander. You have the bridge. Now I’m going to go to my quarters and spend time with my family. I’m sure Li Ilik’s been prepping on how to criticize any first contact ideas I might have, and I’m looking forward to it.”

[arofili]

Father to Son [snippet]

for @feanorianweek days 1 & 2 - a snippet of a longer fic I wrote last year, featuring the Kidnap Fam (Elrond, Elros, Maglor, and Maedhros). I am very proud of this fic, especially this section, and I wanted to share it again :)

This is a chunk in the middle section of the story; you can read the full piece here!

~

It is the new star that signals the beginning of the end.

This brief period of respite had never felt wholly earned. There is still danger everywhere, and Maedhros is still haunted by the ghosts of the children he lost, but now he has living children to bother him in his waking hours. Only, Elrond and Elros are not children any longer, but gangly youths with burning resentment against their captors.

Well, it is not resentment exactly. It is guilt and anger and loneliness, as any adolescent feels at the dawning of their self-realization, compounded by the confusion brought by the unfortunate circumstances of their upbringing.

Maedhros and Maglor have discussed the new star privately. Maedhros is certain it is a Silmaril that shines in the West, but he is troubled by how it came to soar across the sky. Had Ulmo discovered it in the depths of the ocean and taken it back to Valinor? Or had Elwing, its bearer, somehow survived her plummet into the ocean—and if she had, how had she found the power to bear across the heavens?

Years pass; the boys hear the rumors. This only adds to their youthful frustrations. They push against the constraints placed upon them by their guardians, needling Maedhros and Maglor where it hurts the most.

"The jewel in the sky is our birthright," Elros argues one night after supper, picking at a pimple on his neck. (Maedhros is intrigued by the imperfections of their mortal blood. The twins look so elven from a distance, with pointed ears and tall bodies, but up close they smell and act like humans.)

Maglor scowls. "If it ever descends to the earth, it is our inheritance," he says, a warning in his voice. "The Silmarils are the creations of our father. We have suffered and killed to win it back."

"We know," Elrond quips. "You killed our parents." He leans forward, a fierce light in his eyes. (One day, Maedhros thinks, he shall grow into his wisdom. Now, it is too big for him; he does not know how to wield it.) "Would you kill us, if we took our mother's property?"

"The Oath yet sleeps," Maedhros interrupts softly, before Maglor can ruin the tenuous relationship he has built with the twins in a moment of bitter honesty. "Do not waken it with foolish words."

He casts a warning glance to his brother. Maglor takes the hint and stalks off into the night.

"I wish I could get my brother to fuck off just with a glare," Elrond mutters.

"Give it a thousand years or so," Maedhros says. "And mind your language."

"You're not my father." The casual jibe stings more than Elrond knows. After all he has endured, Maedhros is an expert at hiding his pain, but he feels each hurt like it was the first.

"And yet I am the one who clothes you, feeds you, and keeps you from getting yourselves killed," Maedhros points out.

"Maglor does most of that," Elros pipes up.

"He's the prettier one," Maedhros says, straight-faced. "He always gets the credit."

That startles a laugh out of Elros, and even Elrond's lips twitch. Maedhros's own amusement is of the ironic kind. Once, that had not been true; once, he had been Maitimo, the handsome elder brother, but no longer. Now he is scarred and hideous, and the Light that shines from Maglor is more pure than the broken brilliance from Maedhros' shattered visage.

"One day you'll have to let us go our own way," Elrond says. "One day we'll be all grown, and you can't stop us from chasing down the Silmaril."

Maedhros looks at him and raises the fork he currently has attached to the prosthetic at the end of his arm. "Do you think I got this, and all my scars, from lying around and doing nothing?" he queries. "No, don't answer. It was hypothetical. I had six brothers, once. Now I have one. They all perished in that same goal, and we have far more right to the Silmaril than you. Take care to cherish the family you have before you lose them in pursuit of an unachievable goal."

"And do you count yourself as our family?" Elros asks. He just his chin out proudly.

Maedhros shrugs. "I have lost every person I care for, save Maglor. I don't let myself get attached any longer." He taps the fork-prosthetic to his knee. "Well, except for literal attachments."

It's a lie, and he knows it, and he knows the twins know it too. He has always cared for them, just as much as Maglor. They remind him of Eluréd and Elurín, the children he lost before ever gaining them. They remind him of Amrod and Amras, the children he should have protected better than he did.

Ever since meeting little Kanafinwë, Maedhros has been an older brother. The oldest brother. He has carried more infants in his arms, babysat more screaming toddlers in his "free" time, put an end to more sibling arguments, than perhaps any other person alive. He has certainly seen more of the children in his care perish than anyone else. He does not wish to see the same happen to the boys before him.

"You can't replace our parents," Elros says. "I know you feel bad for what you did to them. Well, you should. What you're doing for us, it's out of obligation, not love. We don't have to be grateful."

"Have it your way." Maedhros rises and makes to catch up with Maglor. At least he had been spared the twins' ire; he was the one who cared more openly. Maedhros was fine with letting Elrond and Elros project their anger onto him, if it meant sparing his little brother.

"Yeah. We will." Elros huffs. Elrond stays silent, but Maedhros can feel his watchful glare.

He hopes that when they do go their own way, it will not be with so much hatred in their hearts. Maedhros loves them, but he does not expect their love in return. He only wants them to be happy and wise, given time.

And he does not want them chasing the Silmaril.

~

[Read the full fic on AO3! And leave a comment, please!!]

[loveafterthefact]

Love After the Fact Chapter 20: Good Intentions (that backfire horribly in one way or another)

TFW you say something horribly rude and almost immediately feel bad about it but you're also absolutely right and feel like being petty so you're still a little bit of an asshole about it and basically you're sorry but you're not SORRY, y'know what I'm saying?

Also, 'fuck' is a Galra swear because I can do what I want

TRIGGER WARNING(S): -Use of the word 'rape' -Implications of hypothetical physical violence

First  Previous  Next

As they approach the castle, Adam is waiting for them, tablet in hand and looking quite stressed. “Prince Yorak, where have you been?”

“Out.” He doesn’t feel like talking. He's tired after the long day.

“Prince Yorak, King Alfor has been anxiously awaiting your return. He wishes to speak with you. Come quickly.”

“Actually,” Keith says, vaulting from the shreika. Lance takes its reins without a second’s hesitation, back unusually stiff, fluid grace abandoned. “I don’t think I’ll be doing that. Please excuse me.”

Keith walks off in the direction of the hole in the wall, suddenly unwilling to return to his prison just yet. Perhaps he only just remembered it was a prison.

“And what do you expect me to tell him, your Majesty?!” Adam calls, voice pitched higher with stress. Keith finds he barely cares. “I’m not a magic spell!”

“Tell him whatever you like! I’m sure you can come up with something sufficiently endearing, shy, and benign!”

"You forgot demure! Could you at least try to take this seriously?!" Adam howls as Keith slips away into the dark.

Keith knows that this won’t be the end of it, but he’s not sure what else to do. He’s in no mood to speak to Alfor after hearing what he’s been doing to Lance. And what might Lance do, given enough time, enough pressure? The prince has little control, but he's a powerful alchemist. With enough focus, Lance probably could do whatever he wanted to Keith. Keith could put up a fight, but then he’d end up executed for treason or some other such nonsense.

No, Lance would never do that. Keith trusts Lance.

All the same, he’s trapped. He’s also not behaving as an adult but that’s just the problem: he’s not an adult. But the royals wouldn’t wait a damn decaphoeb or find somebody else and now here he is trapped in a marriage among a species that only cares about how quickly they can continue the line of succession.

What an utter mess. But he’s not sure what to do, so he slips through the gap in the wall and sits beside a stream he found only yesterday. He sighs, pulling on the end of his braid as he contemplates having never felt safe in his life. When he was little, his father had promised that one day, they'd take Krolia and wander the stars, discover new worlds. Akira had wanted to take him to a place called Earth, to meet the people who gave him his name. The knowledge of how to find this 'Earth' -the planet with the least-inspired name ever- had died with his father. He couldn't go if he'd wanted to.

He'll likely be on Altea for the rest of his life. What a depressing thought.

“Thought I might find you out here.” Keith leaps to his feet, expecting to see Lance, but finding Alfor instead. "I heard you found a way to sneak out. The wall exit is the easiest to find."

Keith hisses, ears pinned back against his head. He reaches for his blade as the king merely raises an eyebrow. Alfor raises his hands, doesn’t move from his spot by the stream. “You can relax, Keith. It’s Keith, isn’t it? My son has mentioned that’s what you like to be called.”

Keith relaxes, but only slightly. King Alfor is exactly who he doesn’t want to see. “What do you want?”

The king regards him, eyes strikingly tired. “Walk with me.”

Keith follows Alfor, rolling his eyes once the king’s back is turned. “What do you want?”

“What do you think of me?” Keith snorts, keeps his mouth shut. “No really, I want to know.”

“Not, you don’t. You want me to kiss your ass.”

“I have my ass kissed every day, Keith. If I wanted more of that I'd join you and Lance in court. Go ahead. I can take it.”

“Fine. You’re an arrogant bastard, a shitty father, and fucking awful person.”

“What is ‘fucking’? It sounds delightfully vulgar.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, my apologies. I didn't mean to interrupt.”

Keith narrows his eyes, takes a deep breath. It's too tempting. This man has tried to use and abuse and manipulate him since he got here and now, being invited to speak his mind for the first time since he was appointed a lord on Daibazaal, he can't resist.

“Gladly. You presume to know the wants and needs of your people while you play warrior king in your study. You look down on your son with disdain and do little to encourage or speed his progress. You seem largely indifferent when it comes to his life, interests, happiness, and general well-being, and worst of all, you’ve been harassing him this entire time trying to convince him to rape me!” Keith pauses, waits to see if he’s committed enough treason yet.

“Continue.” Well, he must do as his liege commands. Besides, it feels amazing.

“You’re disgusting! I am a kit! Your son holds onto his morals while you tell him to abandon his basic principles, pin me down, and fuck me while every instinct in my body screams at me to fight him until my last breath! If my people knew, they’d go to war over me! If your people knew, you’d be overthrown in a day! Rumors run rampant in your court and spread anxiety among the people; your method of rule is archaic; your laws are outdated, convoluted, and contradictory; your infrastructure is weak and crumbling while Lance attempts to hold it together with glue, a wish, and a prayer to your ancestors!"

Keith's voice gets higher and higher, louder and louder as four phoeb's worth of frustration makes its presence known. Granted he's not speaking about Daibazaal's state, but he'll scream about that next time he sees Zarkon. “This entire place is pathetic and you clearly know far more of centuries of slaughter and promoting sexual assault than you do of actually running a kingdom!" Keith glares. "Coran seems pretty okay, though.”

“Yes, Coran is quite wonderful, isn’t he?”

Keith snarls, claws digging into his fists. “That’s all you have to say?”

“All of what you said is true.”

“I agree- Wait. What?”

“I am an alchemist and a soldier, not a leader.” Alfor sighs. “You’re a kit and clearly you’re more capable than I am.”

“I still hate you… Why the fuck are you a king?”

“I married a princess, as was prearranged from the moment of my birth.”

“Try and put my kits into an arranged marriage. I dare you,” Keith hisses, choosing to make this clear now as opposed to later. “I fucking dare you! You do this to them and I will fuck you up!”

“The kits you’re currently incapable of bearing?” Keith’s ears stiffen. He keeps his teeth bared, the ruff along his back tingling as the fur rises. “I’ll commit that to memory.”

“You do that! And I’m so sorry my being a kit is an inconvenience to you.”

Alfor sighs, stops. “No, my people’s culture is a danger to us all. An Altean marriage is not considered official until consummated. Technically speaking, you and Lance are not married, which makes this entire alliance extremely delicate.”

“Perhaps you should have found a way to sort your shit out without trading your children like fucking livestock,” Keith hisses.

“Perhaps. Perhaps I should have done a lot of things. Like appointed a regent, or spent more time with my son.”

“For a start. I’m not backing down on the arranged marriage thing, just so we're clear. Why be a king if you’re not at all competent?”

“My children. When Melinor died, we were still at war. There had already been an attempt on Melinor’s life while she was with child, which ultimately succeeded. We managed to prolong her life until Lancel could survive outside the womb. Then Coran, with the help of our surgeon, removed my premature infant from his mother before he could die with her. I feared that the moment I abdicated, my children and my lover would be slaughtered. Only the royal family and staff are permitted to live inside the castle walls. Once we left, it would only have been a matter of time. I’ve since done the best I can for my people, but like I said…”

Keith took a deep breath, swallowed. This had taken an unnecessarily dark turn. He felt a little bad. But only a little. “Alchemist and soldier. A scholar with a sword. Also, selfish.”

Lance would have done better, made a stronger decision, one that kept both the kingdom and his family alive.

“It is a pretty cool sword though. And so is this.” Alfor steps aside, revealing a crack in a rock face.

Stepping through the crack in the rocks, the only thing Keith can think is that he’s likely to be murdered here. A single chirp echoes through the dark. Keith clamps his jaw shut, reaches for his blade just in case. It’s a grotto, water bubbling up, pooling from beneath the ground, flowing from the walls. Vegetation clings to the walls with roots like spindly fingers. The air is cool and moist, but not overly so.

Alfor sighs, sits on the ground, legs straight out in front of him. “This is one of only three above-ground water sources on Altea, and the largest. There are organisms in this grotto that are found nowhere else in the universe. It is also where I taught both my children to swim.”

“You brought small children to a tiny, isolated ecosystem to teach them to swim.” It must be nice, abusing power. Though Alfor was likely just peering into a microscope, periodically glancing up to make sure his children hadn't drowned.

“Yes. It’s one of the few solid memories I have of myself with my children.”

Keith steps forward, cautious, takes a seat on the ground cover vegetation a few dashes from the Altean. He lays his blade in his lap.

“I did everything I could. I dreamed of learning, excelling, leading my people to some golden future, the king that never should have been, but was. Sometimes, that’s simply not how it happens. And it became clear that while I am a soldier, I cannot lead my people to victory against the Galra. So I sought out other solutions.

“Look at this grotto. Even on a planet without rain, there is still water, still life. In here, there are lives so unique they cannot exist anywhere else. The organisms in this pool will die if I bring them even a spot beyond that little crack in the rocks. When I wed my daughter to Prince Lotor, when she walked hand-in-hand with him, hand-in-hand with Romelle onto that imperial ship, I thought she too might cease to thrive. Imagine my selfish bitterness when I find that she has blossomed into something even more beautiful, that she, her husband, and her lover are growing closer and that perhaps I, in my desire to keep my children as safe as possible, have smothered them.

“In trying to protect them, I have constrained them. I have made them restless, frustrated, and useless. Now, my daughter concerns herself with bringing constructive leisure to your people with the benefit of lowering minor crime and I’m fairly certain my son is steadily worming his way into every nook and cranny of the entire planet and gradually tweaking laws while hoping, for some obscure reason that I won’t notice that he’s finally given up the pretense of not giving a quiznak.”

“You know it’s a pretense?” Keith asks, reluctantly curious.

“Of course I know it’s a pretense. People don’t just suddenly, magically care. When I made a tiny comment that perhaps implied I would perhaps like more support in my research of interstellar tardigrades and Coran showed up the next day with a comprehensive tablet of everything my people know about the little delights, do you think it is because he suddenly became deeply invested in what technologies might be inspired from pseudo-extremophiles? Of course not. Which is why he did not assist me in my research.”

“I… don’t follow,” Keith mumbles.

“He made a one-time effort to prove that he cares, not about tardigrades, but about me. I have not heard a word from him since aside from asking how my research is going when I seem particularly happy or particularly tired. Lance, however, has gotten married and now mysteriously shows up to hold court on the regular, sober and accompanied occasionally by you instead of a different prostitute each movement. I’ve even heard a rumor he’s even finally bothered to learn what taxes are.”

Alfor chuckles, and all Keith can think of is how unbelievably sad that laugh sounds. “I’ve no idea what he’s up to, but my son is far, far smarter than I ever gave him credit for.”

It’s Keith’s turn to laugh, quietly because he hasn’t laughed out loud since he was very small, but it’s a genuine laugh all the same. “You really want to know what he's up to?”

“Yes, I really want to know.”

“He wants…” Keith sighs, smiles. “...to be a hero. Loved and admired and adored as the beautiful, young king who guided his people into that golden era.”

“So you think my son is beautiful?”

“What?! No, that’s not what I-”

“That’s what I heard.”

Keith can hear the taunts in the king’s voice. “Well I don’t know what you heard but-”

“That’s fine. I know what I heard.”

“Did you miss the part where I can’t currently be attracted to anyone including your son?”

“No, no. I got that. But I still think you like him and I still think you find him pretty. Everyone does. Unless of course you wish to tell me that you don’t find my son pretty, in which case you have found the line. Insulting my entire person is fine, but telling me you don’t find my son beautiful? Unacceptable.” Alfor wags a finger at him, grinning.

Keith rolls his eyes. “Fine. I like him. He's a likeable person. Don't expect anything more than that.”

“That’s fine. I’d just like for the two of you to be friends.”

“I’ve… never had a friend before,” Keith whispers, tail thumping on the ground. “Maybe Shiro, my adoptive brother, but that’s it. I like being Lance’s friend. He's... good. I feel like with people in this circle that's not as common as it should be. It makes life harder.”

Keith says nothing about the rumors Lord Lanval spoke of. He’s Lance’s spouse.

“Lance is… He’s a good kid, I think. At least, he wants to be good. I can see that now. I see this burning desire to prove himself and make a difference. I admire his idealism, even if it’s unrealistic.”

“He is making a difference. It’s already started. The alchemy will take more time, since his heart is so distracted, but I can teach him how to use a sword, help him fulfill that silly dream or at least feel like he is. You’ve got your men fighting robots-”

“Fewer injuries. Theoretically.”

“It’s close, but not as good. You’d do better employing imitation weapons. All people think differently, at different speeds, and have different styles of fighting. Fighting a robot doesn’t tell you that your opponent broke their leg as a child and never had it set properly. It limits learning. I can help.”

“Anything else?”

“For tonight?” Keith squeezes the handle of his blade, watches it extend into a sword, inspects himself in it. He looks different, now. Not just healthy, but pampered and soft. Like the overbred little whore his mother told him about. He pushes a lock of hair out of his face. “Your gate should make a noise when it opens. For security. A silent gate means all someone has to do is take out your guards and they just just walk right in without alerting the castle.”

“You say that like taking out guards is easy.”

“It is. Silently and one at a time.”

“Understood. I’ll get it fixed. Now, we should get back, before Lance decides to tear the castle apart looking for us. But one more thing.” Keith looks up at the Altean. "I understand that you despise me, but do try not to ruin what little relationship I have left with my son."

"I won't," Keith whispers. He hates this man and finds him grossly incompetent, but has a begrudging respect for his efforts and devotion to his family. If, gods forbid, it ever came down to the lives of his own children and Lance were gone, he'd likely do the exact same thing. No. He wouldn't have to. He'd call Shiro. “Does he know? How his mother died, I mean.”

“No. We told him she died when he was three. He’s formed memories, based around images of her. He swears they once played in the valley while the juniberries were in bloom… He doesn’t need to know. Melinor chose between herself and him, and he doesn't need to know that.”

Keith says nothing. Lance seems very much unlike the person to manufacture memories of a deceased mother when he has two fathers, but what would he know? It’s not like said fathers have been particularly active in his life. Who knows? Maybe Keith has false memories of his own parents.

His thoughts come grinding to halt as a burning rock falls to his feet in front of him. “Uh… Alfor?”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #323

“dehumanized upon a shell  /  we came to bleed it dry  /  obsessed with divine wealth  /  divide and multiply”

Have you ever drawn on someone’s face while they were sleeping? No. Would you scuba dive in shark infested waters if you had the chance? No thanks. What is your favorite slow song? There are so many, but one of the slowest and most beloved of mine is "Obstacles" by Syd Matters. It gives me goosebumps without fail. It's one song I know I want at my hypothetical wedding. If there were aliens on earth, would you be afraid? I mean, yeah. I'd want to know their intentions. If your best friend died, would you be able to speak at their funeral? It'd be extremely difficult, but if I had any say in it, I absolutely would. Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Sometimes. Other times it causes too much pain, depending on the pictures, of course. Do you tend to have a lot of drama in your life? Definitely not. My life is painfully uneventful. When’s the last time someone was disappointed in you? I don't know. Do you have a house phone? No. Which fast food place do you eat at the most? McDonald's. Have you ever met someone on the Internet in real life? Yep. What’s your favorite color to wear? Black. Do you like being in pictures? No. Do you travel a lot? Essentially never, even though I'd love to. Do you play any sports? No. Do you like pickles? Yesssss. How many times have you been kicked out of a store? Never. Is there things you’ve told someone that you’ve NEVER told anyone else? Probably. When was the last time you had alcohol? My birthday dinner last month. Are you one to often make typos? No, except when I'm texting. I have autocorrect on for a reason. On a hot day, would you rather prefer ice cream or a popsicle? Ice cream. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yes, but I just didn't want to drink anymore at one point. I'm far from a lightweight, apparently. Have you played cards recently? No. Is there a band you like with amazing music but a bad vocalist? Mother Mother immediately comes to mind, but not the main singer; he's great. The woman who occasionally joins in is fucking horrendous. Like, it hurts my ears. Is there a certain song you like to headbang to? I don't and never have really headbanged, surprisingly. It's a sure-fire way to make me dizzy. Anything you might be giving up on soon? I hope not... Sometimes I feel like it's time with photography, but I just. Can't. Have you ever captured a moth? I've raised a caterpillar into one before, then of course let it go. Is there a band/artist who has strange lyrics but you love them anyway? Otep, noteably. When was the last time you wore earrings? It's been a long time. How many pairs of heels do you own? I don't think I have any. When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? Uhhhh it's been at the very least a month, but I know more. Would you consider yourself to be physically strong? Absolutely not, especially my legs. I struggle to fucking walk because they're so weak. Have you ever painted a piece of furniture? Yes, actually. I helped Jason paint his shelf black. Do you have a really fat cat? No, we never have. We've always been good about keeping our pets at a healthy weight. Do your initials spell a word? No. When was the last time you went to a playground? A year or so ago when I was taking pictures of someone's son, as well as just general family photos. That same family just had another baby the other day. Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No. Do you have a favorite curse word in a different language? No. Are there any recipes you have memorized? No. Do you know your multipication times tables? Lol not most of them, no... It's been way too long. Do you have a favorite font on the computer? Of the basic ones, probably Garamond. Are you good at creating logos? *shrugs* I've only ever really made my photography watermarks, and I only JUST made one I like pretty well. How about catch phrases? I don't make those. Have you ever been severely burned? Not severely, no. Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I've actually had numerous dreams where I was pregnant, but I don't THINK I've had one where the baby was born yet. Do you or anyone you know have a rabbit? No. What was the weirdest thing you ever saw cross the road? Hm, nothing too weird, I think. Last song you got stuck in your head? "ALTÆR" by 3TEETH. Last song you listened to? ^ Favorite movie quote? I don't know. Maybe Rafiki's quote about the past hurting, but you should take that opportunity to learn. Favorite lyric? That is impossible. There are so, so very many that just like slather me in goosebumps. What magazine are you an avid reader to? None. Have you ever gone a full day without interacting with another person? I have. How many relationships have you been in that lasted less than a year? Four. Have you ever been significantly more physically fit than you are now? Man, take me the hell back to my WiiFit days. I was pretty damn fit. The last time I did it, it was seriously alarming how much I struggled doing things that were once pretty effortless. When growing up, did you parents keep the house very tidy? "Very" seems a bit too much, but Mom definitely kept it in order. How many watches do you own? None. Should teenagers be allowed to have their cell phones with them in class? Yes. Emergencies happen. Do you have any gay relatives? Yes; my mom has a cousin who's gay. Have you unfollowed, deleted, or blocked anyone on social media recently? Not recently, no. If so, what was the reason? ^ What’s the biggest financial mistake you’ve ever made? Oh, y'know, dropping out of college three fucking times. Once I pay my own bills and I truly understand finances, that's going to fucking wreck me. Do you like metal music? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck yeah. If so, what sub-genres of metal do you like the best? Heavy and symphonic. Who was the last person you sincerely thanked? My mom for bringing home lunch recently. Have you ever been in a relationship where there was a large difference in maturity levels? No. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? Maybe like a month when I was technically homeless? How bad was your acne when you were a teenager? It was preeeetty rough. Do you like strawberry shortcake? No. What’s the last you got out of the freezer? A microwavable breakfast bowl. Do you go on the computer or watch TV more? Guess. Explain why you are single: Because I'm a very, very underdeveloped "adult" that has very little clue what she's doing. At my age, I and any potential partner should want someone with direction. What feature do you usually get most complimented on? My hair. Has anyone ever accused you of being gay? Well, I'm bi. I had this weird therapist once in middle school though who asked if I was a lesbian... Idk why she did? What Facebook groups have you found the most helpful? I'm in an advanced ball python husbandry group, and while a lot of people there are utter, degrading elitists, they do have valuable information. Did you name all of your stuffed animals and dolls? I sure did as a kid. What would you have your bridesmaids wear? Probably black dresses, and I think it'd be really cool if I were to marry a woman, the bridesmaids wear checkered Converses colored into a rainbow pattern, or something like that. Where do you want to go on your honeymoon? I think Alaska, if it was a good time to see the Northern Lights. Are you sick right now? No, thankfully. Do you feel loved? Yes. Do you like your butt? Why or why not? God no. I have such a flat ass. Are you ashamed of your faith? I'm assuming by this you mean religion, in which case, I don't have one and am not ashamed of that. Has anyone ever tried to force their beliefs on you? Yes. Have you ever personally been a victim of homophobia? Again, I'm bisexual. I have never had a personal act of homophobia inflicted upon me, though. Have you ever been accused of being homophobic? Yes, because I was for most of my life. Fucking repulsive to remember. "Repulsive" is much too gentle a word, but yeah. It is so, so embarrassing to recall myself ever believing it was wrong because my then-religion said no-no. Do you think you’d be happier if you had a pet? I have two pets. I would be so, so lonely without any. :/ I've had pets my entire life. Who was the last person you went on a date with? Sara. How long has it been since that last time you went on a date? Like two or so years. Do you think babies are cute? They can be, but I usually don't find them all that cute, honestly. Especially newborns/very young infants. They're usually hideous. My youngest niece is actually the only newborn that I remember seeing that I thought was absolultely precious. What is your favorite style of pants? Ripped skinny jeans. Were you ever hospitalized as a little kid? No. Who was the last person who broke your heart? Jason. ^Do you still miss this person? I'm sure I always will to some degree. Do you have someone to talk to and share your secrets with? Sara more than anyone, but Mom, too. Is there someone you feel extra shy around? Just men in general. Have you been hurt more by friend break-ups or romantic break-ups? Romantic. Closest living thing to you? My snake's terrarium is against the opposite wall. She's in her hide. Would you rather drown or burn alive? Drown. You go unconscious first, so. And I'd assume it to be faster than burning alive. Also me no like hot. :'''( Who is the last person you got really pissed off with? My stepmother posted some ignorant bullshit on Facebook about how people blow out of proportion our "supposed" environmental crisis. I nearly deleted her right then and there. I take that shit seriously. Most of her beliefs drive me insane, honestly, but she's a wonderful person at heart, so I just bit my tongue. Who was the last member of the opposite sex you laid in a bed with? Girt. What type of sushi do you like to eat? Never tried it, don't want to. Was the last person you kissed physically attractive? Yes. Do you have any flowers in your room? No. Do you know anyone that owns horses? Yes. Well, I took pictures for her family, anyway. Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who? Jesus, yes. My little sister. Is your mom a big health freak or your dad? Or neither? Neither are "big" health freaks, especially not Dad when you consider he smokes and knows it'll be what kills him. My mom is diabetic though, so she's reasonably careful. Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? No. What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? We don't have any. Ma tries to keep snacks out of the house for both hers and my sake. If you were going out with your celebrity crush, what would you wear? OH BOY idk. I'd probably spend days planning the "perfect" thing. Do you have any friends who have naturally red hair? I do. Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? Yep, my band teacher. He was incredibly loved by literally everyone. Do you have your mom’s or dad’s eyes? Neither's. They both have brown eyes. What’s the best date movie? We gonna have a problem if you don't watch The Notebook w/ me if I have it on lmao. How long has your current best friend been your best friend? Many years now. (: Do you swear and yell while playing video games? I might swear under my breath, but I don't yell. Would you rather name your daughter Andrea or Eva? Andrea. If you were adopted, would you want to know? Yes. Do you know anyone who has grossly skinny eyebrows? I couldn't care less about someone's eyebrows. Do your pets chase after bugs? Oh yes, Roman certainly does. When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? Hmmm... this actually happened recently, but I don't remember why... What is your mom’s favorite movie? I don't know, actually. I think it's some romance one. What TV family reminds you of your own family? None, really. Do you know anyone who always looks perfect? Who? One of my best high school friends Alon was like... just always pristinely beautiful, it seemed like. I haven't seen many pictures of her lately, but I'm sure that hasn't changed. Has anyone you know ever pulled the fire alarm in school, joking around? I think so once, yes. Who was the main character in the last book you read? A dragon named Sunny. Who are the last people you saw kiss? On the lips, I'm sure it woulda been my sister and her husband. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Clouds, I think. Well, it would depend on their design, I guess, and time of day. When you get married, who will be the maid of honor/best man? Probably my mom. Does your best friend get along with their parents? She has a wonderful relationship with them. Have you ever been in a wedding? What were you? I was the fat, hideous, crying bridesmaid. ;x; Are you purposely hiding something from someone? No. What’s the most intimate thing you’ve discussed with a stranger? My suicide attempt with doctors. What, if anything, do you substitute for fries? I always get fries. Have you ever been in a building that was on fire? No. Are you in an argument with anyone right now? No. Have you ever written a poem for someone? Yes. Who’s the last person who cussed you out in anger? My grandmother. Who is the person you are closest to that you’ve meet online? Sara. Have you friended your parents on FB? Mom, yes. Dad doesn't have one. What’s the last tourist area you visited? Chicago. Mice or roaches? Mice are precious, meanwhile I hate roaches. Did you give or get any Valentines this year? No. Well, Mom bought me and my sisters each a delicious candy apple, if that counts? What’s your homepage? Google. Is there anyone whose grave you visit? No.

[argentdandelion]

When Turning Into a Dragon is a Bad Thing

Analysis of Identity Conflict in The Dragon Egg Princess

Image of Koko from The Dragon Egg Princess. Art by Kelly Wang (Owolet on Twitter and Instagram).

1. Thesis and Background

2. The Imposed Identity

Her learning how to transform into her dragon form and wield dragon magic is couched in identity-laden terms, of what or who she is “supposed to be” or “truly is”; it’s even stated it’s her “destiny” to be a dragon. Remauld, her magic teacher, is the primary source of external identity pressures. The first time she learns the purpose of her magic lessons is to make her transform into her dragon form, there’s the following exchange [speakers clarified]:

Koko shook her head violently. “No, I don’t want to do this!” It was Remauld’s turn to look surprised.[...] [Remauld] “But why? It is who you are. Who you’re supposed to be.” [Koko] “I don’t want to be a dragon. I want to be a human.”

Remauld later asserts: “you are not human, Princess. You are a dragon taking human form, yes. But that doesn’t make you human.” He also says she must fulfill her destiny to be a dragon because “the world needs dragons again.” (in what way, it’s not really specified; there’s no cosmic balance at stake)

Remauld also reinforces the idea Koko is a dragon or “dragon princess” in a potentially insidious and essentialist way. Seraphina, the phoenix who gives rides to some people, doesn’t let Koko ride her; Remauld explains she “would not take kindly to letting a dragon ride her” because it is “not the natural order of things. While you may be a dragon princess, Seraphina is queen of all birds.” This dialogue is particularly cruel and useless because, at this point, Koko’s had very little time to grasp this new aspect of her identity, and being the princess of dragons is surely meaningless when she’s the only dragon left.

Perhaps Remauld’s most harmful dialogue is his explanation of how to turn into dragon form: “You just have to be who you are[...]Release the magic [...]that comes from your soul.” But if Koko is already “what she is”, what is there to transform into? While some dialogue or characters’ thoughts suggest one person can have multiple selves or forms, others (especially Remauld) suppose the idea of a “true” form, and that Koko’s dragon form is her true self or form, not simply a magical shape she can take on for combat.

Why force Koko to overhaul her identity so quickly? Most likely, the urgency is out of the belief dragons have an exceptional advantage in defeating Luzee. Remauld claims dragon magic is the “most powerful of all”; dragons are also called “the most magical beings in the Nackwon”, and Luzee hungered for the power of a full dragon. Luzee herself seemed to believe only dragons could stop her, and Nanami did manage to defeat her and arranged her to be sealed away, Indeed, when Luzee mistakes Koko in her dragon form for Nanami in the book’s climax, she initially seems afraid.

Despite the strategic advantages, nothing outright says Koko has to be in her dragon form to tap into her “dragon magic”, nor substantially alter her identity to wield it. Even before the reveal of her origin, she’s clearly an adept magic user, and she cast two powerful spells even after being weakened by iron exposure (iron being deadly to “magical creatures”).

Koko Doesn’t Want to be a Dragon

If the dragon identity were imposed on Koko in a way that limited her or made her seem inferior, her situation would not be so unique: Koko rejects the identity option even though dragons are widely and greatly admired. Jiho (Page 59?) is flabbergasted at Koko not wanting to be a dragon, saying: “Who wouldn’t want to be dragon?” One kid, upon seeing Queen Nanami is a magical past-viewer, says that, when she grows up, she wants to be just like the dragon queen Nanami. And it is not as if Koko had ever been “normal”: she had always been royalty, and the heir of Joson, and her duties as such would necessarily limit her.

Still, Koko consistently values her humanity. On Page 87, Jiho and friends are awed by Koko’s display of magic and intimidation of an oni (bloodthirsty ogre-like creature). People ask what she is: namushin (forest spirit), fairy, witch; she repeatedly asserts she’s a human and grows more irritated as they keep asking. Initially, Koko had believed she was so special and necessary because Joson royalty supposedly have a trace of dragon blood. Though she was proud of this trace, when Koko learns her biological parents were dragons and she was actually adopted, making her a full-blooded dragon, she is shocked and devastated. After the reveal, Koko states she doesn’t want to be a dragon many times, becoming sad, sometimes to the point of crying, and feeling shocked and angry.

Indeed, it seems nobody in the book respects Koko’s assertion she is human. Koko once brings up the fact lots of people “wouldn’t want to be a dragon”: the dragons joined Luzee because humans tried to exterminate them. Jiho responds by talking about humans back then being unintelligent and not knowing any better. Additionally, in a burst of emotion on page 73, Koko says: “But to be a real dragon? To be the last dragon? No! It can’t be! I won’t let it be! I don’t want to be a dragon!” The only time another character suggests she might not be a dragon is played off as a joke. On page 92, Koko mentions dragons are very fastidious, and Jiho notes her grass-stained clothing and unbrushed hair and says: “Are you sure you’re a dragon?”, as a joke, making them both laugh.

There is not that much compassion for Koko’s identity conflict, either. After her outburst on page 73, Jiho implores her to come back and says she has to train, but Koko retorts: “Train for what? To become a dragon?[...]I’m not going to let anyone force me to do anything, Jiho Park!” Remauld claims Koko is scared after this, and tries to get him to understand with the hypothetical situation he claimed Jiho wasn’t Joson [Korean-equivalent] but Orion [a variety of European-equivalent]. Then Remauld points out the two of them are still human, while Koko is a different species.

3. Unconvincing Speed of Identity Overhauls

By the end, Koko does manage to turn into a dragon and kill Luzee. Though Jiho tries to turn her back (using his magic nullification ability), it doesn’t work, and there’s the following exchange:

“No, Jiho. You can’t change me back, because this isn’t magic.[...]This is who I am. “What do you mean, who you are? You’re princess Koko, future leader of Joson.” I am. But I am also a dragon. It’s time I understood what that really means. I am the last dragon in the entire world.” Koko let out a mournful sound and lowered her head.”

There is some fuel for Koko resolving her identity, but it’s not enough for the drastic scale in the book’s climax. While it is not out of the question Koko can resolve her identity conflicts by saying she is both Princess Koko, future leader of Joson, and “a dragon”, there isn’t sufficient character-arc buildup for this end to make sense. To be specific, there are only 45 pages (page 52-97) between Koko learning she is the last dragon and Koko claiming being a dragon is. Furthermore, a big chunk of those pages focus on the bandits, not Koko’s character progression, so she has even less page count to show her changes than it would seem.

The time span problem could have been written with big time skips or info-dump narration, such as “Koko had talked about her dragon identity again, as had become the habit every lunch for the past month. Jiho observed she was crying a lot less.” However, that is not the case; the time that passes between the reveal and the climax seems much too short for it to be plausible. While enough days pass for Koko and Jiho to fall into a daily routine, there aren’t any other time cues: no one uses “weeks” or “months” in reference to the time spent post-dragon reveal.

Character Arc Overshoot?

Within the scope of the story, there’s more fuel to suppose Koko conceives of herself as “a human with the magical ability to transform into a dragon”, rather than “a dragon”.

Dragons can shapeshift, including into human form. Koko says, “All royal dragons preferred their human form over all others, because they felt the human brain was closest to that of a dragon’s.” (p.89) Queen Nanami’s palace has smaller doors inset in the large doors, so she can enter in her human form. Jiho points out on page 89, “If the dragon queen only used her human form around other humans, then why are her [private] chambers so small and humanlike?” Clearly, Nanami herself was fond enough of her human form to use it even when not interacting with other humans; she even enters a battlefield appearing as an armored human.

Also on page 89, Koko mentions a story about a dragon whose favorite form was an ogre; changing into an ogre affected his brain, making him duller and more ogre-like, until he left the dragons’ realm and, supposedly, lived the rest of his life as an ogre. Koko’s story parallels the story of the dragon whose favorite form was an ogre. She certainly does not act like a dragon; dragons are supposedly fastidious, but Koko is not, and though it is “extremely rare” for dragons to cry, Koko cries three times in the book. Most likely, the characteristics of Koko’s mind or behavior would be the most human-like ever among dragons, having been in human form constantly since she hatched, in addition to being raised by humans.

Ina big mural that depicts several dragons of long ago, the paintings alternate between their human and dragon forms, suggesting it’s a valid depiction or recognizable expressions of their identities. There is thematic room in the book for Koko to proclaim she’s “a human with a dragon form”, and it makes more sense given the book’s scope, but it seems most people (and Jiho, for most of the book) expect Koko to follow her ancestors as a “dragon with a human form”.

4. Messed-up Character Arcs & Probable Child Abuse

It’s messed up for people to reduce her to being “a dragon” and suppose her human identity or self was a falsehood. This pressure to quickly re-write her identity is unreasonable and, given Remauld is several hundred years old and surely wiser than most and has known her for seven years, he is shockingly callous or socially oblivious from an in-universe and out-of-universe perspective.

Behind-the-scenes child abuse or serious manipulation is the most likely source of the unseen “extra fuel” necessary for Koko to act as she does in the climax. Indeed, that Koko was basically kidnapped and has had no contact whatsoever with her parents for five years, even though the Nackwon has a spy that could at least convey messages by mouth, would by itself count as child abuse from Koko’s perspective, and may have forced her to become emotionally dependent on her captors.

The Namushin

There’s a good case to be made the namushin committed child abuse on top of kidnapping and isolating Koko. When Jiho and his friends tell her she’s the long-lost Princess Koko and her parents never stopped looking for her (Page 40), she becomes still, looks sad and unfocused, and quickly sobs, stating how much she misses her mother. As soon as she starts crying, namushin show up, hum an “intricate melody” and comfort her.(*1)] Koko rapidly calms down, and the narrative says: “She then popped back onto her feet, her crying jag [bout of unrestrained activity or emotion] completely forgotten.” On Page 48, Koko weeps again when Jiho asks why she doesn’t return to her parents: though she says she hasn’t because she has to train, it’s for a reason she didn’t even know yet. When Koko receives word someone had a message from her parents, she ran out to meet the messenger showing just how urgent it was to her. When she hears her parents were locked in a dungeon, she wants to go rescue them even knowing it’s probably a trap, and the Namushin won’t let her go. (how is not specified; the Namushin’s words are never shown) Suspiciously, when Jiho points out the namushin kidnapped her and had no reason to do so (page 46), the namushin appear before Jiho and Koko can talk much and summon the two to a meeting...as if they knew what was happening. (They might have: namushin’s connections with trees give them near-psychic surveillance of the world) It’s also suspicious that the namushin let Jiho, with a passive power of magic-nullification, ride magically-enhanced clouds that would have disintegrated midway through the journey and let him fall to his death.

Remauld

Remauld is also likely to have committed child abuse: he’s the biggest source of external pressure for Koko to be a dragon. Despite seeing her distress at the circumstances of her birth and assertion she is human, he says: “You are not human, Princess. You are a dragon taking human form, yes. But that doesn’t make you human.” (To be fair, his “eyes became gentle” as he said this, but it’s still ill-phrased)

Remauld’s dialogue supposes identity essentialism tied to biology. People don’t say, “Oh, yeah, the princess of Joson happens to be a dragon. That trivia is really convenient for our goals.” or “This is just one facet of your identity; not the totality.” Remauld says: “No, no, you were actually a dragon the whole time, you were just in human form, now take on these dragon duties and expectations”. It doesn’t take into account constructivism, nor does it take into account that Koko ought to have a choice about how she wants to be and the role she performs, regardless of the circumstances of her birth.(*2) Furthermore, although Remauld, with all his knowledge of dragons, would surely know the forms dragons take affect their minds, it would appear no one thinks Koko having been in human form practically since birth discounts her from being fully-dragon.

The whole scene on page 74 in which Remauld explains why Koko is scared to Jiho is only ten sentences: too fast and tidy to be persuasive, and it’s not quite equivalent to Koko’s situation.

Results of Child Abuse?

“[...]It’s time I understood what [me being a dragon] really means. I am the last dragon in the entire world.” Koko let out a mournful sound and lowered her head.”

Although she refuses to be a “real dragon” and “the last dragon” in an emotional scene (page 73), judging by most instances Koko was sad, she’s probably sad at this moment because, by the book’s end, he turned out to be a dragon and can’t change back, rather than being sad because she’s happy to be a dragon but sad she’s the last.

However, that Koko can’t change back at the end doesn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t her human form be her “default” form, and her dragon form a transformation option? If her human form was truly a falsehood or addition, as Remauld suggests, why wouldn’t Jiho turn her back to a dragon on contact earlier in the story? If anything, since she hatched as a scaly humanoid, wouldn’t that be her default shape?

How to Fix

Perhaps the easiest solution is to alter the last two pages: Koko changes back, with or without Jiho’s anti-magic help, and asserts something about being unsure whether she can “represent” dragons or what this ability means for her identity, but being happy she mastered transformation well enough to defeat Luzee. Alternatively, she could outright say she’s a human with the power to turn into a dragon, not “a dragon”, and this change of mindset gave her the clarity of identity to transform. One could also resolve her sudden ability to transform perfectly in the climax by her sudden realization that “what she is” isn’t “‘a dragon’, and her human identity was a falsehood”, but “someone who protects her friends”, and turning into a dragon was the most effective way for her to fulfill that identity under those circumstances.

Knowing how obviously and severely distressed Koko is at this reveal of her origin, one would think Remauld would instead say, “We don’t need you to be in your dragon shape forever. Just for combat. You can spend the rest of your life in your human form, if you’d like.” Or, if one wanted to keep Remauld so enthusiastic about dragons, one could make it more clear Remauld is a flawed character too blinded by his admiration for dragons and sadness that all other dragons (including some of his friends) are all dead to package Koko’s abilities or heritage in a way that’s less shocking or upsetting to her. If one wanted to re-write the book still further, one could make the twist Remauld is her father: after all, it’s never mentioned who Nanami’s mate was, it’s not stated female dragons are capable of virgin birth, and it would further draw parallels between Koko and Jiho, whose father is magically unique and also a deadbeat dad.

*1: What if “intricate melodies” are how namushin cast spells? I don’t think the namushin can use outright mind control (if they could, they’d surely accelerate Koko learning dragon magic), but instantly erasing sadness makes sense. *2: One could argue the same for a princess who doesn’t want to rule, but Koko does expect to rule, and she’s been trained for that. She may be unable to conceive of an identity where she isn’t the princess of Joson.

[beshert-bh]

My journey to/with Judaism

***This is a super long post, it’s the FULL story, not a brief overview, but it would mean the WORLD to me if you read it***

Upbringing: very much Not Jewish™️

I was born into a Catholic family. I have a goyish last name. I was baptized as an infant, and my parents took me to church each week as a kid.

In kindergarten — back when I still went to a secular private school — one of my best friends was Jewish. He told me all about the traditions his family did...told me all about the kippahs they wear, and how they had their own game called dreidel for this holiday they celebrated, called Hanukkah. (Of course this convo was at a basic-kindergarten-level of knowledge.) When I came home from school I was fascinated with Hanukkah, (this is cringey to admit but my 5-year-old self tried to integrate the traditions together and so in order to do this I drew up a “Christmas dreidel” complete with Santa Claus’ face on one side, a present on another side...you get it)

And that is when I was promptly put in “parochial” schools. I went to Catholic school from 1st grade to 12th grade. I went through Holy Communion and Confirmation like all the other kids did. My elementary soccer team’s mascot was an Angel. My high school’s mascot was a Crusader. Our high school was located on Rome Avenue. I went to a Catholic youth conference. I considered becoming a nun because I was single all throughout high school.

Growing up, around Christmastime we would always travel to visit my grandma, and she would always say we’re “German Jewish” — but I would write her off. In my mind, I was like, Yeah ok like 1%? .....It felt like my grandma was acting like one of those white people who takes a DNA test and says, “Look! We’re 1% African!” So I would dismiss her and remind her how we’re Catholics and she would drop the subject.

Falling away from Xtianity: my first 2 years of college

My freshman year I changed — politically — as I was only conservative in high school because of the ‘pro-life’ agenda being shoved down my throat. I really aligned more with liberal and leftist policies and views, though. Once I became open to new political ideology, I began to question my theological beliefs.

I always had a strong connection to God. My whole life. But I struggled with connecting to Jesus, Mary, the saints, and so on. So obviously my freshman year of college I began to fall away from Catholicism.

You see, Catholics are “bad at the Bible” as I like to say. Other Christians do a better job of teaching and analyzing the writings. They actually require school-aged children to memorize Scripture passages. Catholics mostly just teach the same stuff over and over. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, blah blah blah. Catechism, liturgical calendar, blah blah blah. Parts of the mass, fruits of the spirit, blah blah blah.

So since I was already doubting Catholicism, its corrupt leadership, and its mindless traditions.... I thought maaaaybeeee I would find purpose, truth, clarity, etc. in plain-old Christianity. But I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The other Christian churches I went to baptized people (which is a BIG LIFE DECISION) on the spot. For example if a newcomer felt on a whim that they wanted to be baptized, the church would do it right then & there. No learning, no planning or preparing, that was it. They promoted blind faith and circular thinking. I began to realize these were both normal attitudes and cognitive patterns within any and every Christian community that I encountered.

Even the Christians who exhibited curiosity mostly just asked questions in order to be able to understand, and then accept, the doctrine as truth. Questions never ever challenged anything.

Oh and let’s throw in the fact that I’m bisexual. Homophobia, transphobia, biphobia (and more) are rampant in the church. So needless to say, with all my observations about the lack of logical thinking in the church (and considering my sexual orientation) I fell away. I stopped going to church unless my family made me when I was home from college.

Enter stage right: Judaism

In retrospect I happened to have a lot of friends in my sorority and my favorite fraternity on campus who were Jewish (the frat happened to be a traditionally-Jewish one). Thought nothing of it at the time. Fast forward to junior year when I met this cute guy on Tinder. He’s now my boyfriend and we’ve been dating for over a year. He didn’t tell me this on Tinder, but when we went on our first date, he revealed that he’s Jewish and wanted to make sure that’s something I was ok with. Clearly I had no problem with that. I wasn’t too into Christianity anymore but I still identified as one (and I was still surrounded by Christian friends in my sorority) so I told him I was Christian/raised Catholic and asked hypothetically if he would be comfortable with a “both” family. He said yes.

We started dating during an October, so of course Hanukkah came up soon. There was a mega challah bake at our local Chabad, which he took me to, and we had a blast. From then on I decided I wanted to show him how supportive I was of his Jewishness. (The last girl he dated dumped him after 3 months BECAUSE he was Jewish... so I felt that I needed to be supportive)

We started going to shabbat services and dinner every week. We did Hanukkah together (we bought our first menorah together, he taught me how to spin a dreidel, his mom bought me Hanukkah socks...lol). At some point in our relationship I told him I may have Jewish ancestry from my grandma but it’s distant and my whole extended family is Christian so it really wouldn’t even matter. I don’t remember when I had that conversation with him.

Eventually, after another few months of Shabbat services and Shabbat dinners, Pesach came around.

We went to the first seder together. The second seder is what changed everything.

Deciding to convert

At first I wasn’t sure if I belonged at this second seder. My boyfriend had always brought me to every event. I had never attended anything alone at Chabad before. But I went anyway. Throughout the night I felt increasingly comfortable. I had never felt more like I was a *part of something* than I did at this seder.

I sat near a friend who I recognized. (He knows I’m raised Catholic.) Then he & his friends welcomed me. We all took turns reading from the Haggadah, we drank the four cups of wine together, and we laughed together as I had maror for the first time.

Then the familiar faces left to go home, and one of them even went to another table to sit with his other friends whom he hadn’t had a chance to see yet that night. Naturally I thought I was alone again. I almost left, but something tugged at my heart to stay until the very end of the second seder. Something told me to keep going and keep taking in this wonderful experience.

The rest of the night consisted of many songs (most likely prayers, in retrospect) I did not know. Everyone stood to sing and we all clapped to the rhythm. I knew none of the words but I still clapped along, alone at my own table. Then one of the boys — the one who had been sitting with my friends and I earlier — motioned at me to come over and join his other friends. I approached this new table full of people I’d never met, feeling awkward as ever, and they not only hoisted me up to stand on the table with them as they chanted, but they also included me in their dance circle. (no, I don’t think it was the Hora, we just spun around over and over. lol.)

This was the first night I felt at home with Judaism. Going through the Jewish history with the Haggadah, remembering the important occurrences and symbolizing them with various foods, ending the night by being welcomed into the community... it was transformative. After attending shabbat services for months and learning about Jewish values, it changed something in me when I observed Pesach for the first time last year. I knew this path would be right for me. I felt as if my soul had found where it belonged. The Jewish history, traditions, beliefs, and customs resonated with me. It all just... made sense.

I told my boyfriend I wanted to convert. I wrote three pages of reasons. But I sat on the idea of converting and did nothing for a while. I did do some more research on Judaism, though, as I continued to attend services each week.

The exploration stage

I began to actually research on my own time. If converting was something I was genuinely considering, it was high time I began actively learning as much as I could possibly learn. It was time to dive deeper than just attending the weekly services and googling the proper greetings for Jewish holidays.

I started digging deeper into Judaism and Christianity so I could compare and contrast the two. I needed to understand the similarities and differences. And BOY are they different. That was surprising at first, but the more I learned about Judaism, the more I loved how different it was from the Christianity I was indoctrinated into.

Not only are the values and teachings of each religion vastly different, but the Tanakh (which is “The Old Testsment” in Christian Bibles) actually contradicts:

The entire “New Testament”

The gospel books specifically

The Pauline letters specifically

How did I realize this? Some bible study of my own, but mostly through online research. And, of course, I would have gotten nowhere without the help of Rabbi Tovia Singer and his YouTube videos. He debunks everything there is to debunk about Christianity.

Here were some things I came across when researching:

It confused me how the four Gospels didn’t align (like, major parts of the story did not align at all...and supposedly they’re divinely inspired...but they don’t even corroborate one another?)

It confused me how the psalms we sang in church were worded completely different from the true wording in the Bible (essentially the Christian church is taking tehillim and altering it to benefit Christian dogma and Christian rhetoric.)

It confused me how we read in the Bible that Jews are ‘God’s chosen people’ and yet in every Catholic Church, every Sunday, there is a Pauline letter being read which depicts proselytization of Jews, as if Jews are lost and need Christians to save them. As if Jews would go to hell if they fail to accept Jesus.

It confused me why we would pray to Mary and the saints, because praying is worship, and worshipping anyone but God themself is idolatry.

It confused me why Christians make, sell, and use graven images. Idolatry. Again.

It confused me why Christians give absolute power to humans. For example, if you crawl up the same steps (Scala Santa) that Jesus supposedly crawled up before he died, you automatically get “saved” because *some old men who have no divine power* said so (they have a term for this and it’s called “plenary indulgence” lol).

It confused me why Jesus was believed to be the messiah considering he had to have biologically been from the line of Joseph. Wasn’t Jesus supposedly conceived without any help from Joseph? Wouldn’t that render Jesus, uh, not messiah by default? Even if he was from Joseph’s blood, he still did not complete all the tasks moshiach is supposed to fulfill. And even if he DID fulfill all the tasks required of moshiach... we still would not worship a messiah as he is human and not GOD.

These were all new thoughts I developed this past year between Pesach and Yom Kippur. New questions that challenged everything I thought I knew. It was like teaching a child 2+2≠22 but rather 2+2=4.

Hillel

This fall, after the High Holy Days, my boyfriend began attending shabbat dinners at a rabbi’s home. His new rav lives in the community and it’s exclusive to be invited, so I never imposed. We do Shabbos separately now (with some exceptions, we do it together sometimes).

I continued to go to Chabad with one of my friends who knew I wanted to convert. But one month, she couldn’t come at all, and I felt a little judged there anyway.

So I began going to Hillel a few months ago. And I honestly have found a home there.

From Hillel’s Springboard Fellow reaching out to me and taking me out for coffee to get to know me... to running into my sorority & fraternity friends at every Hillel event (shabbat or otherwise)... From getting included in various clubs like the women empowerment group and the mental health inclusivity group... to being the only college student to participate in Mitzvah Day (hosted by Hillel) with the elderly and the local Girl Scout troop... I feel truly welcome. I’ve started to attend every week. I even talked briefly with the rabbi about having Jewish lineage and wanting to convert.

Discovering new information

I went home to be with family during Thanksgiving break. My grandma flew in so she was there when I got home. She stayed with us from then until New Years (and she’s actually moving in with us next year.)

Of course, now I have a Jewish boyfriend, Jewish friends, and I’ve done extensive research on Judaism. So this time I had background knowledge when she inevitably said... “You know, we’re German Jewish!”

I inquired a little. I asked her what she meant. How is she Jewish? I know my uncle took a DNA test this year and came back part Ashkenazi. But I needed a deeper explanation than DNA.

She revealed to me that her mom’s mom was Jewish. We believe she married a Christian man. Together they had my great-grandmother, who I believe was Christian. She had my grandma, who had my dad, who had me.

And I immediately felt like that changed things. At first I was (internally) like, Now I definitely need to convert! But then I was like, Wait, does this make me Jewish? Am I Jewish-ish? ...Can you be considered Jewish if you’re only ethnically Jewish but not raised Jewishly? ...Can you be Jewish if your dad is your only Jewish parent? ...Can you be Jewish if your dad never had a bris or a bar mitzvah?

I joined a bunch of Jewbook groups, began learning the Hebrew calendar & holiday schedule, and found some folks who assist with Jewish genealogy. They did some digging for me and apparently I descend from the Rothschild family. THE Rothschild family.

Who is a Jew? Who “counts”?

This is something I’ve been muddling over.

At Hillel, at my school at least, most people are pretty Reform. They’re very liberal with their definitions of Judaism (they believe in patrilineal descent and not only matrilineal descent).

They accept me and see me as actually Jewish ...and the ones who don’t... they at least see me as Jewish-adjacent, an “honorary Jew” or an “ally to the Jewish people”.

My boyfriend, however, still sees me as Not Jewish.™️ (For context he’s Reform but he’s trying to become as observant as possible) I know he only thinks this was because of how we began our relationship and because of how I was raised. But I’m very confused here.

Do I count?

Do I not?

Do I count *enough* but still need to go through a formal conversion process?

So...now what?

I don’t know how to navigate this odd journey but I have felt for a while that I have a Jewish neshama and I feel a strong need to affirm it. I just don’t know how or what is appropriate. Do I learn Hebrew? Sign up for a trip to Israel/Germany/Poland? Put up a mezuzah? Or go toward the other end of the scale, and head down a path of a formal conversion/reaffirmation process?

Thank you in advance for your responses and thanks for reading. 🤎