#and like i cant go to my mom about any of this because when im sad she gets mad at me because i jsut shut down | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

moeblob · 5 months

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You know, when I kept getting asked "so you didn't ever have severe pains before now?" in the hospital and I kept replying "I have a high pain tolerance" I meant it. However, there is only so much pain my tiny 4'9" body can hold... (aka I am sweating and in agony bc I'm getting told to use LESS severe pain meds so I don't rely on them too much and it is AWFUL)

#moe talks a lot #i was shaking earlier and despite the fact i sound like im gonna cry #and the fact that my mom can pick out im about to cry from pain bc im trying to take less pain meds #LIKE MY MOM IS INSTRUCTING ME TO DO #shes like well why arent you taking any pain meds #BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO AVAILABLE OPTIONS AND ON A SIX HOUR TIMER #i cant take both at once or else what happens to me if i hurt before the six hours is up #i have to manage them in a way that allows me to benefit from both and being told im doing it wrong #after being told well its your fault it got so bad because you never complained about pain before #YEAH NO JOKE? REALLY? I NEVER DID? because everyone acts like im too young to feel that kinda pain #oh youre hurting? just wait until youre older #and its currently agony to breathe again but that i guess is also my fault bc im trying to use pain meds #holy moly i just want to not get dizzy standing up cause wow dang #sure would be nice if the multiple incisions in my stomach didnt THROB every time i sneezed or coughed or cleared my throat #but since i didnt use much pain meds before because i would be mocked for being too much of a baby its like #welp damn now i could really use some and im being called out for being too reliant #anyway time to sleep more because that means im not noticing my pain #im literally smaller than most children and so i do understand my body size makes people worried about the medication intake #but can i please just go a day without being asked how much im taking or when i last took it or if im gonna cry #anyway sorry for the excessive rant today never really had surgery or anything so this is brand spankin new suffering

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softenedsunbeams · 6 days

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i hate the "you're so strong" comments. no im fucking not i am a depressed disabled 15 year old who is too traumatized to even hurt itself properly im not being strong the only reason im still alive is because im not allowed to stop living

#mom saw me hurting myself with a fork once and i didnt have a room for a week #and i cant get over that so i wont ever get rid of myself like i want to #i want to so bad i want to #self harm tw #suicide tw #actually no i. need to dump it somewhere its going here #but i tried to kill myself with a broom once. i tried i tried so hard i was fucking 12 #theyd been making me sweep the porch for four hours it was raining i just watched someone deliver them restaurant quality food #i wasnt allowed any i didnt get dinner that night #and it was so dark #and i hated myself so much #so i hit myself and hit myself and hit myself and it left welts but it didnt even work it didnt work of course it didint #because it was just a fucking plastic broom #nobody noticed the welts on my legs or how i was limping or how i asked if i was allowed to go to the bathroom #and then stayed in there crying and looking at them for ten minutes #nobody noticed because nobody ever notices. nobody gives a shit its not like they stayed anyways #nobody cares about me nobody ever will and its fine its fine its fine its fine she doesnt even know about it #nobody knows about it #its fine #im fine its fine its fine #delete later #nobody wants to hear about this lol i never talk about it. so it'll go down when im not feeling horrible

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koko2unite · 3 months

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#wendell #fortnite #so i just found out that my mom cooked smth delicious at home #and only now she decides to cook one #she didnt cook anything while i was staying there when this stupid house that i dont even own is being fixed #she specifically wait for me until this house is “done” aka has a bed even though theres still no clean water or fixed fences #and once im gone she goes back to cooking good food again #and she expects to be normal about this? to not get mad??? after all of my emergency money used up to fix someone else's house?????#i cant believe she expect me to respect or love any of them with this kind of treatment #i wanna cut off them so bad too bad im traumatized and my whole life ive only been striving for their attention and praises #and if i lose it my mental is gonna go down the drain #i hate this so much #how dare she says that she treat all of her children equal #when she only sing praises to my sibling for being able to achieve the assigned goal they made for him #and for my other sibling who now has 2 grand children #they think they didnt know they never talk about me to other people because im the shame of the family #while keep asking me money and making me pay for my brothers family needs #even though they all make the same or even more than me #i hate it #is it because im gay? or what?#like im still your son goddammit that is not ok #fuckkkkk

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g0thsoojin · 1 month

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📓🦇

#honestlyyyu #life without him is so boring....#idk... just imagining my life without him makes me feel bored lol #i want to be with him i think ...#but it is difficult bc we live on two different continents #and relationships between nations are difficult bc you're not allowed to just move anywhere lol #idk how it could work #plus ... also he's 20+ years older than me.. to me it isnt an issue more than #1) he wont live as long as me (if we both die of old age that is lol)#2) everyone are very judgemental and even if both of us mainly want to just have us and not any social circles #it will be hard.. and how am i supposed to tell my mom....?#the thing with that is hard because of my avpd.. im not normal #i never will be. even if i like met a guy my age now in school and we started dating i wouldnt want to tell me my mom #i cant explain how i feel to normal ppl but yeah... im just someone who wants to live isolated to myself #i dont want to be like yeah hi mom heres my bf who i fuck and love and now lets go for family dinner woooop #idk ... i could never. i just cannot do that normal life.#so then its like.. it isnt purely bc im 'ashamed' of him and the age gap #im just someone who feels shame about everything.... so i wouldnt wanna tell my mom anyway #but then it feels like im 'betraying' her. if i move away to another country to be happy on my own #and she wont even ever get to meet my bf or hear abt him... i'll get married (bc of convenience) and she wont know #that feels bad.. like im hurting her. but i know in my heart that even if i met a bf my own age here #i would NEVER want a wedding. my avpd.. im not a normal functioning person.. i'd want just me and the other person there. not infront of my #family... idk i just cant do normal life things..#maybe sometimes i dream abt having a few friends and being cared for. but that is a DREAM #theres no way of knowing if i'd ever find ppl like that. im also very different and cant connect to basically anyone i meet fkn EVER!!!!!#he's the only one i've ever met that im this compatible with.. and he is real. and i know him. should i let go of him just for ppl i havent #even met? who i might never even meet? bc yeah the thing is that with him we wouldnt have a conventional life. it'd be just us #and thats not really a bad thing. its just that w my avpd i never know what i really want bc i want smth but when it gets real #and i can actually have it suddenly i dont anymore. and i want the other thing i didnt want before...#so i have sm fears.. what if i choose him but then will never get that comfortable job in a cozy school and my own apartment

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ff2-soda-pop · 8 months

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I'm starting to question if I should even bother with the stupid paper.... I'm probably just gonna fail anyways lmao

#ive been running around stuck on Babysitter Duty for the past three days and the teacher only gave us any instructions on thursday yet #somehow expected a full paper done and edited by sunday. even if i wasnt stuck on babysitter duty she'd get a shitty paper just due to how #little TIME that is to get things done. but because i am on babysitter duty uhhh..... well so far there's no paper #ive been spending practically full days having to take care of my sister and i cant just Ignore Her so i havent done my paper while watchin #her because again: my focus needs to be on Her. and shes incredibly loud which makes it super hard to focus. fun combo /s #so i was like 'i'll just stay up Really Late and do it then' but that hasn't worked because my sister WONT GO TO BED if im awake. i was up #until 4am last night hoping she'd fall asleep and shut up and i could work but Nope!#and then i got too tired to even care anymore #i've tried explaining this to others and they're just like 'ok well you just need to find a way to make it work :/' which is very much #easier said than done! and im scared about this paper because this teacher doesnt accept late work at all for pretty much any reason #and im sure she wont understand my situation. because shes also the teacher that didnt understand that i didnt have the textbook on time #because it was still being shipped and i dont control the rate at which book ships and she was like #'..........okay well you still need to have the book by tomorrow at least <3' when i told her the book had Just shipped and idk when i'd ge #the dumb thing. so yknow i dont have high hopes about this #also just as extra 'make stuff more difficult' i have zero accommodations because my mom cant keep track of my fucking IEPs and they wont #let me have accommodations unless i have that and idk how to get a copy anymore. so i've also been running around with no help in that area #and it's not great </3 #idk im just stressed out and frustrated and i Want To Cry :)#vent

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2024skin · 2 months

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1 month ago today my exes mom died is it too soon to tell him I unfriended him and ignored his message because I kind of think he raped me

#i never planned on telling him cuz honestly even tho i dont want him in my life anymore i dont know if what happened was actually rape #theres been a lot of debate over whether or not my specific situation was rape or what the feminists like to call “maintenance sex”#so it feels rather cheap of me to call it rape when our collective idea of rape is so much more sinister than what happened to me #but anyways i didnt want to talk to him about any of this because i dont know what to say about it and i think hes too sexist to listen #but i Did get a very funny and wholesome snap memory of him and one of my besties so i sent it to him #and thats how i found out he reached out to me exactly a month ago to tell me his mom died and to ask for support #which of course i cannot provide cuz i feel too conflicted about him to put aside my ego + i feel that he doesnt deserve that from Me anywa #see also my resistance to cutting him out of my life to the point that i didnt block him or delete all of his pictures #i didnt even get rid of all of his things i kept the sweater his mom gave him cuz i Knew she was going to die too soon #and i knew he would miss wearing this sweater which is the one from his favorite picture of him and his mom together #so not only is the context of this situation very ambiguous but also i dont really feel the way i think a rape victim is Supposed to feel #i mean i have my moments when i really think about it where im hurt and im angry and i cant help my reaction to it even years later #but otherwise im fine and even when it comes to him i was mostly chill and stayed with him for a year after it happened #so i dont feel i have any right to call it rape and yet it was definitely not consensual sex #and theres just no other word to describe ambiguously nonconsensual sex

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tea-earl-grey · 3 months

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the thing about growing up with a gay parent in the 2000s is that there was a point where it went from "Very Deviant and something that you shouldn't talk about with classmates lest you confuse them or corrupt their Good Christian Morals and you can't invite friends over to spend the night at the Lesbian House because there are obviously Bad Things happening there" to "mildly interesting fact about your family" and i'm not really sure when that transition period was or why it seemed to change overnight.

#people i meet nowadays: wow youre so lucky to grow up with gay family members! your childhood must have been so nice!#me: yeah i could never invite any of my friends to my house or have any support systems when dealing with my mom's absuive gf #because homophobia was so pervasive that the response would have been “yeah of course gay people are abusive to their kids.#you need to go to a good christian home“. and it definitely didnt fuck me up #like dont get me wrong. im privileged to not have to deal with homophobia in my own family but like.#growing up with queer family structures was rough even just 15 years ago #and now i talk about the structual and societal homophobia i dealt with and people look at me like im from another planet #(not to mention that its still present in most places! and trans people are still very much dealing with it in my relatively liberal city!)#personal #queer stuff #rip i cant sleep so guess its time to think about the horrors of the past

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truckstoptigers · 7 months

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when i was seven and our trailer burned down, i thought about leaving my father there, grabbing my brother, and getting us the hell out

i didn't. i ended up waking our father and we all ended up at the neighbors' house

but i should have

i fucking should have

because the minute he had a chance to be alone with me (after we got to my grandma's trailer) guess what he did! shortly after our fucking HOME burned down and the firefighters gave my brother and i teddy bears and wrapped blankets around us for shock!!!!!! fucking christ i hate our father more than anyone on this earth

#haha :) feeling normal abt this!#all i cared about was my brother being safe. thats all. i still remember holding his hand and walking him to the neighbours house #i couldnt see because i left my glasses in the trailer. they put on the little mermaid cartoon for us. i even remember what episode it was #but i genuinely considered leaving my father there and honestly that scares me #honestly i was afraid to wake him up bc i didnt want him to get mad at me. if he got mad at me i would always suffer for it later #milo murmurs #fun fact we lived w someone & his son and his son ended up becoming my cousin when his mom married my uncle #i am so so glad neither or them were home that night #he was so young. im several years older than him & he was so little that he doesnt even remember we lived together #csa vent #tw csa vent #csa tw #also feeling fucked up abt the fact that my father wld put his cigarettes out on me when he was pissed #sometimes i wonder if the fire started because he was smoking smth and passed out while doing it but my brother slept in his room #i feel like they wouldve been much more worse off if the fire started in their room #anyway im pretty sure that the fire was set intentionally bc he had some ties to the wrong ppl #and either they didnt know me & my brother were also there and were only going after our father or they didnt care we were there #to this day even bonfires make me nervous if i can only smell them & cant see them. i hate smelling smth burning & panicking #we live in the country now so its very common for ppl to burn leaves and wood and what have you. its still scary sometimes #i think abt this a lot actually bc any fire still makes me lowkey nervous. less so if i know where/what its coming from but still nervous

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bigcats-birds-and-books · 9 months

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so. turns out. mental health days aren't SUPER effective when at least 60% of what you need a break from is your OWN FUCKING FAMILY, AND THEY'RE ALL HOME ALL DAY!!!!

#text #personal #whine whine whine #im afraid i hate it here #i tried for a REALLY long time not to phrase it like that but #goddamn i fucking hate it here 😭😭#i thought at LEAST id get a FEW hours of fake solitude today because mom would be at work #but shes sick :( so she was home all day too :(#and like i cant be mad at her because shes ill and pathetic but #i wish my father and my brother would gtfo for like a FUCKING AFTERNOON #GO SOMEWHERE #DO SOMETHING #LET ME HAVE SOME SOLITUDE #im going on three years without ANY fucking SOLITUDE and thus i hate it here :)))))#and bro has the audacity to be irritated with ME about ME BEING HOME #i stg i am GONE for a FORTY HOUR WORK WEEK PLUS COMMUTE PLUS LUNCHES #I AM OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR 50 HOURS A WEEK AT LEAST #WOULD IT KILL YOU TO NOT BITCH ABOUT IT WHEN I AM HOME #im so angry #im so angry all the fucking time and i fucking hate it #and i KNOW what would fix me and it is NOT HAPPENING YET #i KNOW what would be a good bandaid fix and i have been SHOT DOWN EVERY FUCKING TIME #i have to go back to work tomorrow on top of everything 😭#maybe ill go read at the bar or some shit after i dont fucking know

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widevibratobitch · 10 months

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#vent post vent post lalalala #i wanted to post some pictures from my weekend trip with my friends before its too late but then i saw my fucking face and now i wanna kms #like oh my god. oh my god this is really truly the face im stuck with forever and ever and ever till the day im fuckin rotting in the groun #incredible how unfair life can be lmao (<- girl who is having such incredibly superficial stupid fucking problems but is otherwise #quite privileged but of course that will never be fucking enough for her because she's soooooo fckn stupid and selfish and annoyinggg lol)#i dont know why im so obsessed with it now #like i genuinely remember KNOWING that im kinda ugly (and fat) in high school and being like 'so what lol idc'#so WHY is it such an issue now?????#idk. i just kinda wish i was dead every time i look at my face and realise there's nothing i can do to change it #i can dress in ways that will cover my ugly ass shapeless body. maybe i can even go back to my ed properly this time #and lose some weight. for a time. before i gain back twice as much and the circle begins anew lol #but my face is not gonna change no matter what i do lmao unless i fucking scrape it off with a grater or smash my head into pieces #and like. even if i do get that rhinoplasty (its not gonna change my faceshape anyway. nothing i can do to fix THAT fuckin atrocity)#every time ill look in the mirror i will only be reminded that its fake. and that my natural face was disgusting enough it had to be cut up #to be fixed somewhat.#i just wish i had ONE. just ONE nice thing about my body. literally just one its not even funny lol #and its so fucked up when you look at my mom who was so insanely fucking beautiful when she was my age. like. i cant blame her #cause how could she have known that the genes she'll pass on will not result in anything good lol but also i feel like such a failure #like its not really my fault i got the genes i got. but yknow.#anyway im tired of always being the ugliest person in any group im hanging out with. my cousins? check. my hometown friends? check.#my uni friends? my GOD check (how ARE they all so pretty and skinny??? insane).#god i wish i were dead. like fr fr. im not actively suicidal since i cant bring myself to *do* shit anyway. but i just wish i never existed

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im2tired4usernames · 10 months

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I want their fuckin freedom they have no chores no responsibility they can go out with their friends when ever they want for however long they want they can sleep in there bed all day they eat drink drive vehicles use the phone have a home with no bills no expenses they can spend their money on stupid things that bring them joy with no worry of the gas they burned in someone else's vehicle or if there's dinner at home they have no worries about laundry no worries about dishes no worries about the messes they make because they know I'll clean it up always I want to be viewed by my family and by my friends as someone who is an actual person with limits and boundaries and who has goals and dreams they'd like to accomplish in the day besides laundry for 16 people and not a tireless cleaning machine. I want to be able to rest and have hobbies I want to be able to do things with my partner and my friends again I want to be able to fuckin daydream and make up stories again for Christ sake I want to feel like a person and not a corpse forced into playing "tradwife" I want the freedom they all have while I'm in the background doin they're dishes.

#i don't mind helping with chores but it's the fact I'm the only one qnd i can get my four youngest to help me with bribes of sweets #but there's several adults living here who don't care that they make. more mess then a four year old #and could definitely start doin their own laundry #or take the trash out if it's full instead of cramming more into it so that the bag splits and is to heavy for me to lift #and I'm actually kinda strong like I've def lost a lot of energy n strength this year tbh but this bitch can lift pretty heavy boxes at work #and i split logs pretty regularly so im not the strongest gal by no means like of lord i had to carry my mother around everywhere #because she was a stubborn asshole who refused to use any mobility aids and then wanted to go shopping or go out and i had to just carry her #like i can carry an adult women but fuck if it didn't hurt me bad doin it and i had to stop several times to catch my breath #like I'm not super Strong but I'm not weak the trashbag cant weigh more then an adult #it takesn nothing to rinse a bowl out so your food don't turn into cement #or throw away the wrappers of your bandaids instead of tossing them on the floor #or wipe your shoes before you come in and track big chunks of dried mud and grass all over the home #my parents wanted 12 kids wnd our house to look like a magazine and they beat that mentality of the house must be clean as a whistle #because what if Jesus was to stop by we must have our home look so clean that we would be unashamed if jesus stopped #so clean we encourage him to look in cupboards and under the bed clean #i dont think that's a Bible verse but there was a biblical book that was all about having a home that was so clean constantly #just so you wouldn't be ashamed when Christ cand because cleanliness is closer to godliness #i really hate my mother like so much I'm glad i can finally say it I'm glad i don't have to work to earn her love or buy it #you shouldn't have to have to earn love especially from your parents I'm glad she can't constantly condemn me #i have nightmares about my mom condemning me or being smug n proud and ruining my life in the name of her cult #like throwing away all of my belongings and only having a bed a Bible some christan fiction four floor length Jean dresses baggy tshirts #also her giving my sister she favored a bunch of my organs since I'm broken anyhow and slowly dieing because i don't have a liver anymore #or her ruining my relationship and friendships because she didn't think they were godly enough so i have no one in my life except church #she tried to have an arranged marriage for me not a dream that happened #i know she loved me i hate that i think so low of her but her love felt like hate most of the time #i know she loved me though andni love her to I'm just glad i don't have to constantly hve to perform for her #i have so much garbage in my brain

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julioclaudian · 1 year

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i hate when you have shit that you cant like relatably vent post about or talk to anyone about. like my family’s day to day life is just fucking Weird enough that i can only tell people about it when i turn it into jokes.

#im going to fucking explode but its just teehee normal life #like. i know that she doesn’t understand what shes doing but it makes me want to scream watching my cognitively disabled sister routinely #assault my parents like the physical assault is baseline she knows what she’s doing there. she’s malicious and she likes to hurt people. but #she sees grabbing someones breasts or trying to grab their crotch as an extension of that and when you try to tell her to fucking stop it #it just makes her mad and she redoubles on the physical assault #like today she’s been really into ‘esk*mo kisses’ so shes just grabbing my moms face and forcing her own face into it #and my mom cant fucking do anything about it because if she gets mad or even expresses any annoyance at this #my sister will quite literally beat the shit out of her #so im just trying to fucking heat up frozen appetizers for dinner while ignoring her coming up behind my mom and groping her. and like #i cant hold it in i get mad it’s literally bursting out of me to tell her to fucking stop it #but I literally live in the stress dream reality in which expressing anything against her whims makes her angry and the consequences of that #are fucking painful. so we just have to keep her happy and fucking acquiesce to this shit #i feel like ive spent 20 years in a fucking dystopia. my mom is now going to have to try to gracefully ask for her permission to watch tv #lest she come down and start hitting her and screaming at us to not watch it #anyway. sorry i just need to put this somewhere cause literally no one outside my nuclear family even knows about this shit #lime.txt

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dragons-and-yellow-roses · 2 years

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Ya boi got a new medicine and a therapist.