#and knowing when to stop and step away
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remembering the trenches of FF .net where the only warning you get is a single letter rating, the genre, and the author's kindness to give a warning of the fic's content
"Rated M for violence" and it's paragraph after paragraph of gore and whump and straight up play by play torture scenes
"there's some lemon in there" and it's the most detailed and explicit sex scene with numerous untagged kinks
,,,,14yo me just rolled with it lmaoooo
good times hehe
You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me
#🦐:ramblings#🦐:personal#ooohhh boi i think i still have some of the fics i used to read there...#i'll get to those later#i think i built up some sort of immunity lmao#to just brace yourself for any unexpected surprises in media#and knowing when to stop and step away#queue queue train
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All photos (and a gif) of these karate men in one place
#I am vibrating#I meant to post this when I woke this morning but a couple of photos were missing so it got stuck in drafts. and I got busy😫 dammit#yall don’t understand what this meeeeans to me#Im about to say something I’ve already said. i know i know. cant I stop the repititon? but bear with me#If I don’t get one scene of Johnny watching these dudes fight with a cold drink just enjoying the drama he’s caused with his pretty face#Daniel like: how dare you laugh at Mike’s idiotic jokes—#Mike: Idiotic? who the hell do you think you are?#Chozen: ‘stands shoulder to shoulder with Johnny and giggles with him about the fight’#Daniel: ‘sees’ Chozen…step away from him…#Chozen: ‘already cracking his knuckles excited for a fight’#Johnny: ‘somehow now in a beach chair with an ice tea and summer clothes’#roster#cobra kai#karate kid#mike barnes#chozen toguchi
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what if i put my life in your hands? what if i took your life in mine?
#okay look there's a reason i've been obsessed with this scene for 21 slutty slutty years#imagine for a second you're yue#your master—whom you loved more than your own existence—decided his work was finished and didn't need you anymore#and he pushed you into the dark where you slept for centuries until a little girl woke you up by sheer dumb luck#you now are trapped in this horrible new era where everything is too loud and too fast and too bright#you're also trapped in a body that isn't yours jockeying for room with a completely separate soul that you don't know or particularly like#and you're draining your meager stores of magic to the dregs in order to keep the two of you alive#under the surface of tsukishiro yukito you're drowning—and the both of you are fading away entirely#and then this boy#pulls you to the surface of yourself#and says with his whole heart 'i won't let you disappear'#he smiles at you and teases you and then pours his not inconsiderable power into you#and you take and you take and you take and he never says stop#he never says only a little but no more#he holds you close and lets you sup on the very marrow of his magic until there's nothing left and he's simply an ordinary human#and for the first time in centuries—perhaps ever—you feel full#when you finally step away and ease his unconscious body onto the bed as gently as you can manage#you murmur that you ought to thank him#but it's such an inadequate way to convey your gratitude#how do you give thanks for what you've made him lose?#you put your life in his hands and he cradled it as if it were precious... and then he gave you his own in return#in the world before this one you would have been as good as wed#you thumb the swell of his cheek and allow yourself one last look at your would-be husband#and then turn around to face the threat behind the door#as it creaks open to reveal a little body wracked with sobs you think you would face anything that would dare come for him or his sister#not because it is your duty as the guardian of the cards#but because you love them#touya/yue#ccs#yue
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Love how carla went from 'hmm idk idkk I like her but this is so new haha uncharted waters I mean like' to 'DONT. GET. DRESSED' in a matter of minutes
#she's crazy shes insane for this one#okay but the way they both look at eachother to confirm that this is indeed what they both want#the absolute feral lust taking over#they way they both so desperately want this need this even#but deep down carla knows It'll be temporary#one small thing and the distance between them grows once more#when she hears the call from betsy she just knows its going to end#because lisa is so good at running away#and carla knows this. carla even spits it in her face she tells it like it is#and she just wants lisa to see that her words are truth and she can be happy and she wants to be happy and carla wants it to be with her#she cant keep running away she cant keep letting betsy dictate what she thinks is right for her#she needs to stop being a coward and just listen#carla knows it was over before it even started#but neither can actually keep away for long#their relationship has become too mutually dependent#and even through gritted teeth even while spitting vitriol carla will always always defend lisa#because its truly all she wants. for lisa to be happy and for betsy to step down from her red haze#just owch#coronation street#swarla#carla x lisa#carla connor#lisa swain#i love and hate these women and they will be the death of me
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Inspired by this godly post which unlocked a part of my brain I didn't know existed, and solidly gave me complete and utterly brainrot until I wrote something
A thousand thanks to Lily for her wonderful help :))
"Does Kelly not mind you spending all your time with me?" Daniel asks, because she's Daniel and once she's thought something she can't keep her fucking mouth shut, even if she knows it's trouble.
Max looks up, pausing his set of weights, and blinks at her. Daniel feels her cheeks warm. One day, that mouth of yours will run you straight into trouble, young lady, her mum used to tell her, voice firm. Good girls know when to keep quiet. Daniel used to just laugh at the warning. Her laugh is loud and the opposite of quiet, but she used to know that everyone always loved her laugh.
"No," Max says after a beat and then continues lifting. Daniel hates the way her gaze tracks over him, lingering on the movement of his muscles, the ease with which he lifts the weight. Tawny hair brushed out of his eyes, cheeks dusted warm from the exertion. "Of course not."
"Why of course not?" Daniel asks. She wants to sew her mouth shut. This time, Max didn't look over as he answers.
"Kelly's very secure, she's not like other girls. And besides, she knows you."
It's strange. When Daniel was seven and Michelle eleven, they'd gone rock pool fishing. Michelle had been crouched over a shallow pool of water, her finger delicately brushing the tentacles of the anemone. Daniel had been scaling the rocks, wanting steeper, taller, more.
She'd found the shark first, nestled high at between the rocks, and for a beat she hadn't known what she was looking at. Just details, but nothing collective. Rotting smell. Shrivelled holes where eyes should be. Scales of silver lightning. Rubbery fish picked clean. The flash of bone, pearl white.
Then she realised what she was staring at, and screamed. Her father held her while her mother scolded her. I told you not to go climbing! It's too dangerous, Daniel. Why can't you just be good like your sister and stay by the shallow pools?
And then, later, ice cream. Her dad, beside her, explaining the horror away.
It's just nature, Dani. The waves wash them up, and they get stuck there. They can't get back to the sea, and then the sun dries them out.
They drown on air, Michelle helpfully pointed out, her feet kicking happily as she licked her 99. Daniel just just nodded, ice cream untouched. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the sunken holes, the rotting flesh.
She hasn't thought about that moment for years, but suddenly it washes back over her. She feels simultaneously both. The child, staring at the carcass, frozen in shock. The shark, burning up in the sun, chocking on air.
"What does that mean?" She asks, and somehow her voice is normal, is fine. She's fine. She's not a girl or a shark. She's stupid and a fool and a gawky, ugly idiot, but she's fine.
Max manages to shrug, even with the 50kg weights. "You know. Just that Kelly knows you. She knows what you're like. And she knows me too, of course."
Daniel swallows. She nods. She hates everything about herself.
"That's sexist," she forces herself to say lightly because if the silence stretches anymore, Max might notice and set his weights down and look at her, and Daniel can't bear that. She doesn't want his eyes on her, taking in every blemish and imperfection. The boyish, ratty clothes she works out in and her curls gone frizzy with sweat and her inked skin, so different to Max and Kelly's pale, perfect complexions.
"What's sexist?"
"Saying she's not like other girls," Daniel tells him, setting down the weights she been doing. Instead, she goes to grab the skipping rope, just for something to do.
Max laughs. Daniel's glad she's turned away. Her cheeks are burning again.
"It's the truth. You, of course, Daniel, are not like other girls either." He says it lightly and ends with a chuckle, as if it's all just a joke. Daniel drags a sweaty hand over her cheeks. Burning, burning, burning.
Apparently, in Max's mind, she and Kelly are the same; both not like other girls. Kelly, with her faultless makeup and wonderful daughter and classy dresses and perfect feminity. One end of the scale. Daniel, the other. Barely even considered "a girl." Always one of the boys, only woman in f1 for a reason.
"Thanks," Daniel says. She wants to make it sound humorous, like she's in on the joke too. Instead, it's too cold; muttered as if she actually gave two shits about the conversation anyway. She has an F1 season to prepare for, she's too busy to care about stupid shit like this.
There's a beat of silence as Daniel stretches out the rope, feeling the plastic flex and give. Then, Max exhaling, the gentle bump of his weights against the floor, the workout bench shifting as his centre of gravity changes. Daniel keeps her back to him, ignoring it all.
"I did not mean it as insult," Max finally says, stubborn. Daniel forces a laugh, turning to give him a smile, all teeth.
"Of course not Maxy. I get that." Voice light and blithe. One of the boys.
She thinks he'll drop it, but instead, his frown only grows. Pinched brows, thin lips, cheeks growing blotchy. Blue eyes regard her, intense and unyielding. She burns from the inside out.
"I've upset you," he says, in that blunt, genuine way only he can do. Daniel barks out another laugh.
"Don't be stupid. You're not important enough to ever be able to get under my skin." She gives him another smile with only teeth. She feels insane. Her mother tells her good girls stay quiet.
"I'm sorry," he tries again, growing frustrated now, "I did not mean -"
"I told you, you didn't upset me," she drops the skipping rope without actually using it. "Anyway, I'm bored. Wanna get lunch now? Or are you still trying to pump those muscle with more testosterone?"
Max gives her one last, searching look before standing. They're almost the same height. She wants to shrink to nothing.
"That is not how testosterone works, Daniel," he says with the air of an overworked teacher. He looks at her with a smile, uncertain but genuine. She laughs, allowing him to move the conversation on.
She walks out of the gym first but holds the door for him. He grins, relieved. His fingers skim hers as he takes it and she lets go. A chill runs through her. Cold like scales, cold like ice cream untouched.
Follow up here!
#whole lot of internalised misogyny to unpack here#in my head Daniel is looking like Tash Sultana in the music video for “Jungle”#Max just meaning :))) Kelly knows you and she knows me :))) and she knows we are both two good people who would not cheat :)))#while Daniel just going into an existential crisis of#:((( Kelly knows Max and I :((( and I am zero threat to her because I must be utterly undesirable :((( and not Max's type at all :(((#maxiel#girl!Daniel#for the first time ever lol#my fic#ending involves the tension between them growing and growing#and Kelly watches them share a podium and sees the way Max wraps his arm around Daniel's shoulder and hugs her tightly#and the way Daniel laughs so happily and loudly everyone can hear her#and suddenly Kelly realises she had been wrong and Daniel was a threat#and basically gives Max an ultimate to choose one of them and stop all contact with the other#somehow Daniel finds out and just locks herself away from the world during summer break because it's not even a question who max will pick#and their story ends with Max knocking on her door with looking annoyed with a bunch of drooping flowers#and before Daniel can even say anything he's stepping into her apartment and getting a vase from her cupboard#while complaining about how he ordered the flowers that morning but the florist fucked up his order and of course the flourists in the#Netherlands are much better and soon he will take Daniel there and pick proper flowers like tulips for her#she stares at him in pure disbelief and then starts to laugh. and Max looks over and laughs too and they're still smiling when they kiss#:)))))#apologies but I'm a sucker for a soppy cliched ending lol
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I know I've said before that I cried, but I was exaggerating for dramatic effects because I'm a liar
BUT TODAY...OH I AM SOBBING RIGHT NOW ! THE TEARS ARE ROLLING ON MY CHEEKS ! I AM SNIFFLING ! I'M EXPERIENCING CHEST PAIN ! WHAT THE HECK REVERSE 4 YOU ? THIS SO HEART SHATTERING I'M DYING ! THE MOST EMOTIONAL WORST BREAK UP EVER !
#Last time I cried like that in a gl was when Kim and Wan broke up for the third time#LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN ? WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?#WHY#WHYYYYYYY#Four will never stop being the greenest flag#sacrifying their happiness of ten years#Four KNOWING that it's impossible for them to be together and have Vivi alive so she's willingly stepping away from her soulmate#THE RING#THE FUCKING RING#TRACING THE SYMBOL IN HER PALM TO REMEMBER IT FOREVER#THROUGH ALL LIFETIME#WHO HAS CHOSEN MY DEATH TODAY ?#WHO DO I HAVE TO TALK TO ?#I swear#This show is personally angry with me#I don't deserve this much pain#Reverse 4 you#reverse 4 you ep 7#four#wa#four x wa#jattawa
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i feel like reading/watching mbf immediately means knowing who i am as a person and... i cannot allow this
#you all know that i can't stand gatekeeping and how that's why i bring up what i like all the time in various contexts#but the surprising thing with mbf for me is that i can't talk about it as freely to people who don't know me#because i can't find a way to translate it without having to offer some crucial segment of myself#i enjoy sharing ideas and thoughts more than anything else but i don't like sharing me the person behind them#because i really cherish my individuality as something important in spite of where it takes me sometimes#i don't want to tarnish it!!!! i don't want even the smallest piece of it to be missing because i wouldn't know what to do anymore#i'll stick to typing out thoughts here and to my mom and to my med textbooks#but i must say it feels strangely refreshing to have something that is only my own this way because i always have to put myself out there#and this way i am not giving anyone the opportunity to twist it into something terrible about me#my spontaneous outbursts might ruin this for me though#letters from stephanie*#i dislike that i can't step outside of my own experiences with this like i usually do because art should be shared#this is suchhh a crazy person post#i think i finally get what my dad means when we fight about how i shouldn't say everything i think all the time#he doesn't want me to filter myself he wants me to preserve who i am from harm because stepping up sometimes won't help#who i'm trying to help but it will ruin me in some way even if it just makes me upset#i think that's how he manages to be calm without betraying himself?#he isn't lying he's just saying what he thinks when it matters and to those that matter#like most of the time i am right to single myself out but there is a particular shade of grey when i shouldn't do it#idk this is literally donna telling the dr YOU CAN STOP NOW.#realistically i just need someone to calm me down when my passions turn against me#overly personal post once again i am sooo sorryyyy look away
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dance macabre
let us have this dance of macabre!
strums of lullaby accompany our steps
spectators of all kinds eagerly waiting in silence
people of all race, of all ages
humans and fae alike, mingling into one
isn't this what you always long for, my dearest?
rub away your tears, if you would
look above, my dear!
look how the ceilings crumbled,
forging a path upon the starry skies
under the sea of stars shall we waltz with grace
one step forward, two steps back
a tango everyone desires
now then, don your brightest smiles!
as we are the prima donna of this palace
knightly boots replacing glass slippers
briars and thorns, prettier than roses
mere infatuations and lust desist,
only loyalty alone shall exist
hush now, dear
do not loathe me amidst parada
cease your sadness at once
bury your soul deep within one’s eyes
never let those speckles of aurora
be tarnished by the mere sight of carcass
for I have bestowed you the honor
of taking my hand for this dance
moving in front ochos,
I whisper to you eternal happiness
a promise that’ll never go unkept
holier than the eternal slumber
oh, if only the crowd would cheer!
rather than rotting beneath our feet
but fret not, my dear
as we have a long night ahead of us!
#tw // disturbing themes#malleus x silver#mallesil#malleus draconia#silver vanrouge#ths is basically the bad ending of book 7#where despite everyone's efforts they r unable to stop his overblot#leading him to exhaust his magic till none is left#what happens when the caster's magic is depleted#what'll happen to those falling victims of his um#no one knows#but here i hc them slowly rotting & decaying#stuck in samsara of dreams; their consciousness slowly slipping away as death seeps in#as his magical reserve are getting thinner his time-stopping barrier would fade as well#and mother nature will took over the bodies; decomposing it w/ no mercy#w/ the last bit of his magic; malleus used it to wake silver for one final dance#and voila! here we are#no; there'll be no magic saving us this time#malleus is lying yall theres no 'long night' they'll die approximately after twilight lololol#sorry not sorry#his magic just wouldn't last for both of them any longer#as for how much time had been spent before that? i leave it to ur thoughts :>#'why the cinderella reference diasomnia is based on sleeping beauty' hv u considered tht perhaps the author loves cendrillon#no the author certainly did not research on tango steps & watching how to tango tutorials wdym#miè writes ✍️#miè's poems#one more thing!!#unlike the prev ones- this one was actually made today!!#so enjoy while it's still fresh!! fresh outta the oven!! >:D#....ths is the last one for today i promise
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have a lil snippet from the siren AU! changing up my writing process for this piece - I'm drafting this one in prose rather than my usual zero-drafty style, so we'll see how that changes things!
The first thing your uncle says to you when he picks you up from the station is: "Stay away from the water."
You pause halfway in the front seat, mouth still poised to shape the syllables of, Fine, how are you?
If this were coming from anyone else, you would have written it off as a joke. You may not know your uncle very well - you wouldn't even have recognized him if not for your mother showing you his picture before you got on the train. The crease between his eyebrows, though, tells you that this is not a man who smiles very often, let alone laughs.
"...What?" you ask warily, car door still open as though leaving yourself the chance to bolt right back onto the next train home.
"The ocean," Dojima clarifies. "You've never been, right?"
You shake your head. If you're being honest, there isn't much you're looking forward to about this trip - a city boy through and through, you're far too familiar with all of the horror stories about the countryside - but the one exception to that is the ocean.
It's one thing to know that you live on an island, to know that Japan is surrounded by water: the Sea of Okhotsk, the Sea of Japan, the East China Sea, and the crown jewel, the Pacific Ocean. But picturing it is something you've never managed to do. Sure, you've seen pictures of the ocean before - but where does it end? What must it feel like, to be faced with that much raw power? To gaze out at that endless expanse of blue, and see no end in sight?
#persona 4#persona 4 fanfic#seta souji#yu narukami#ryotaro dojima#fic snippet#i also am doing this on my typewriter hehe#it kind of helps actually! because i know that I'll have to retype everything#that's a usual part of my editing process#but i guess it feels different when it's a necessity rather than a choice#the main thing with this drafting style is with my usual one#it's a very 'trust the process' kind of style#because there isn't anything resembling prose until the very last step#which does make things like sharing wips a lot harder#and also it's really hard to cross that hurdle of actually starting to edit#i literally have like 200k words in my drafts that i will probably never edit#but this style#i like that i can walk away at the end of the day actually feeling good about what I've written#i think i've always resisted this bc of how much slower it is to me#but i guess slower is definitely better than never finishing at all#and maybe actually liking my progress will stop me from falling into the trap of#'oh this sucks and i hate it so i won't finish it'#which....i do a lot LOL#nemali writes
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my reading of lifesteal season 4 is so personal and involved at this point that even if i was going to post more character analysis i would not know where to start. it would require footnotes to documents that don't exist. listen to luddites and lambs by everything everything and you'll get half of it though
#m#lifesteal#there is just such a compelling and clear thematic line between like. okay#first you need to just accept for me the idea that zam as a character is defined by being trapped running both towards and away from#the same object (mapicc)#and then you have to take mapicc as interchangeable with pain in general but specifically an inescapable normalcy of pain#which is caught up in something zam wants and knows he wants which is the “pure/natural” idyllic version of lifesteal#where every fight is fair competition#and what mapicc has done to hurt him more than the actual stalking and murder and all of that is that mapicc refused to fight him on even#ground (by literally invading and destroying his home so that everything becomes battlefield) in a way that offends his most deeply#held values. AND THEN he reads vitalasy's use of the exploits as trying to take that same thing he fundamentally values about lifesteal#away and he gets incredibly angry with vitalasy for hurting the server itself (pvp becomes functionally obsolete for a while there)#so he plays out the eclipse betrayal framing it in his own mind as another situation where he is the victim and vitalasy is the#manipulator/aggressor and falls back into the kind of jumpy paranoid behavior we as the viewer haven't actually seen from him in a very#long time now (late into eclipse when mapicc isn't an active threat anymore he really does stop jumping at shadows the way he used to)#and seems comforted by the familiarity of it if anything. because what vitalasy was asking of him that made him panic and reject it so#badly was to create a new pattern and step out onto unknown ground but he can't do it#and he retreats back to what he knows. so vitalasy isn't WRONG to read what zam does as victimizing himself#and forcing vitalasy into a villain role that is literally what he is doing#but vitalasy on the other end still has his own entire set of things he is not dealing with#and so the relationship created by these two people is doomed by their inability to look themselves in the eye more than any of the actual#facts of the relationship itself#and the thing zam wants lifesteal to be is not and has never been real. the thing vitalasy wants lifesteal to be is also antithetical to#its nature they are both wrong#but zam is wrong in that he wants to return to an idealized imagined past that does not actually exist#(see also vague historical allusions in his castle and his name and him trying after vi's death to cast off violence completely and return#to the land somehow. and the association created incidentally between stone tools and rudimentary technology)#and vitalasy is wrong in that he's trying to create something entirely new that nobody but him actually wants via the exploit#(see the way that once the exploit is 'out of the box' it can't be put back in and the course of the season is set in motion and any attemp#s to fight it and change that course are futile as allegorical to sudden technological advancement being met with violent opposition)
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Also in the replies of the Steph concept art on twitter announcing she was gonna be in a new project at DC (posted by Travis Mercer), there were at least 3 comments saying "will Tim be there?" I don't care how hard you ship timsteph I'm exploding you with my eyeballs if you do that on my girls post again
#ramblings of a lunatic#taking a step back to acknowledge that my stanning may be getting overzealous#but then again I'm not in ppls quotes or replies I'm vagueing on an entirely different website with no relevant tags. it could be worse#anyway I know tims had it rough these past couple of months ever since zdarsky shifted focus of the batman title to have less tim#but it still feels. idk. just a wee bit uninspired to act like steph can't go two steps without tim being behind her#im ngl i like timsteph when they're cute but timsteph twitter has been. pissing me off a tad lately#the refusal to acknowledge the sexism in dixons robin run and how it impacts stephs writing and their relationships writing#the refusal to acknowledge tims occasional condescension and hypocrisy when it comes to stephs vigilantism#seemingly only wanting her to be spoiler when he wants her around and telling her to give it up most of the time#also the constant disrespect of stephs batgirl era on there weirdly enough?#I've harped on about this on main and in drafts but despite it's flaws it's a good turn for stephs character#she's the focus she gets development (an upward trajectory! which had previously been unheard of for her! bc she did have flaws as spoiler-#-its just that both writers and characters alike seemed to arbitrarily decide she didn't have the capacity to grow past them! but she did!)#hell i saw a BIZARRE take today i just have to bitch about#which was them saying that Batgirl was a ''heteronormative mask'' steph put on#with spoiler being her more authentic self (and this being paralleled to gender expression with stephs isolation from the batfam as spoiler-#-showing how she ''wasnt like them'')#which. I'm not denying you the view that spoiler has a certain genderific swag to her but the needless dragging of her batgirl persona#steph got treated badly as spoiler bc she was A Girl. it's genuinely that simple dixon felt batman and robin would never stand for a girl-#-running around doing the things they did and would need to chivalrously stop her. he's gone on record saying this#she's constantly getting belittled by mostly men (cass also dismisses her but it feels distinctly less gendered)#and in the end it's barbara who learns to give steph a second chance despite her mistakes and they have a positive relationship#something ppl are quick to dismiss as being in and of itself sexist bc they're pairing the two girls off together#as if batgirl isn't a legacy and as if babs and steph don't have parallels in their resilience and refusal to accept when ppl tell them no#for better and for worse!!#like. idk how you took the strongest feminist element in that comic (bc there are elements of sexism here and there! 2009 n all)#and somehow turn it into ''heteronormativity'' YOU PPL ARE JUST SAYING WORDS AT THIS POINT!!!#anyway. someone take away my internet access
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I do feel so sorry for Briseis. She was truley free for a moment just to get killed by a spear thrown by Achilles son
#this was so casual crule in the name of being honest....#it is a tragedy by itself in on so many level...#imagine being a young girl & then these soldiers come destorying your home & killing your father...#then they enslave you & some king wanting you as price just for a younger men stepping forward...#& then somehow you get adoped by to gay dudes who are technical the bad guys....#but they treat you well never hurt you trying to give you a good life & they help more girls & you form a weird family bond...#it feels almost like a home...#just for the prince to get offended by the old king and the king wanting you as a price & nobody stops it...#but the other gay dude makes a deal with the old king so that he dont hurt/harm you in any way....#but then the gay dude dies and you blame the other dude....& then he dies at well & then his never mentioned son comes#& wants you as a sex slave because he doesnt know his dad was gay & thinks you gave him pleasure...so when he wants to take you you escape#& you swim & swim & swim & You think you can be free & safe far away just to get hit by a spear.#A spear you knew his father was famous for...#And you die and sink to the bottom of the sea where no man can ever reach you again.#i need a moment...#the song of achilles#briseis
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Honestly growing up is realizing that normal people don’t have to set timers to remember they’re cooking ramen… which notoriously only takes 3 minutes to cook… and maybe I do have adhd
#Trying to explain to my sister in law that I sometimes accidentally set a microwave time to 1 minute when I mean for it to be 20 seconds#and I go ‘oh it’s fine I will just stop it at 20 seconds’#but then in those 20 seconds /I then forget I’m cooking something/#bc my attention is drawn away#and next thing I know I’ve got a cookie that’s literally on fire in the center#and the way this is such a common thing for me#(not necessary w a cookie lol. But the cookie one has happened enough that I’ve legit set off multiple fire alarms w it)#Or yeah the fact that I p much /have/ to set a timer for pasta bc I will 100% forget I’m making pasta if I don’t#Or the literal HELLSCAPE that is laundry bc there’s so fucking many steps to it and it’s soooooo easy to forget it in the washing machine#I was just proofreading these Fucking tags and I forgot the word ‘forget’ in the one abt pasta#I laid out all my evidence that I’ve secretly squirreled away for 10 years to my sister in law#and she just went O.O yeah I don’t think you’re hallucinating it; this isn’t normal#and it was v validating#I just don’t want to seem like I’m saying it for clout or what the fuck ever but I’ve struggled with this my whole life#but on the other hand it’s no longer as big of a deal now that I’m not in school… school was bad.. I don’t know how I did so well#Bc mentally I fucking Drowned#idk if I really want or need to try and get a diagnosis or anything#Esp bc I’m sure that’s not even almost the worst thing wrong with me and I don’t want to open that can of worms#regardless man I wish I weren’t me <3 I fucking /suck/#lea speaks#vent
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At the root of my problems.
#sif personal#obviously just watched the movie so spoilers#after a failed ADHD test because the numbers were too crazy i was suggested treatment for anxiety#which i assumed wasn't the case. definitely depression and a few other medical things#I'm so good at making appointments and public speaking even if don't do it right so i obviously don't right#but the last couple weeks after the test I'm noticing when exactly my clenching gets worse instead of always there#and slowly putting a name to a feeling#and then THIS little shit in the movie#says literally everything i have thought forever#especially the reassurance that this is to help and protect me. the planning.#like i have a memory of me literally convincing my therapist it provides me comfort#even the core belief things is hecking anxiety#all attempts to help myself are like 'fear you need to slow your roll and follow this 20 step plan or you'll kill us all'#rather than consider anxiety#I'm feeling shitty? blame is on depression#I'm feeling good? it's because I'm doing so well everything is paying off! FOR NOW-#i know it can't all be broken down from this this movie but literally word for word damn#headcanon is that every suppressed anxiety attack is just another tightened muscle that never goes away#already my brain is like how can i stop having anxiety ever again otherwise i have failed?
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i can tell when the author of a fanfic im reading had a peaceful childhood
#krav talks#not to pull the 'i have actual ptsd from a traumatic childhood' card but im gonna be real#i dont think some of y'all understand exactly what hunter's childhood was like#belos also most likely was not the verbally abusive type of parent. he was physically and emotionally abusive FOR SURE. ABSOLUTELY#but theres no shot he'd just yell at hunter. he doesn't get angry like that#case in point: What Happened To Caleb#hunter isnt gonna start crying from someone yelling at him out of anger. he'll get triggered MAYBE#hunter gets fighty if he gets triggered by ANY older authority figure. kikimora and lilith werent exactly kind to him either#the only way hunter cries is when his friends are around bcus he feels so safe with them#you know who would cry over being yelled at like that??? amity.#sure later in her life she probably got into screaming matches with odalia#but if u think even she wouldnt burst into tears if she got yelled at by any older female authority figure in her life#then u r wrong. sorry#hunter was not allowed to be vulnerable. it was too dangerous to be. he also had NO ONE while under belos's thumb.#amity had her siblings. they probably gave her safe spaces to cry it out after getting verbally abused by their mom#if lilith lost her patience and raised her voice at amity (not in a mean way bcus lilith would literally Never but no one is perfect)#amity would start crying for sure. and then lilith would feel like the worst person in the world. scum of the earth.#and god forbid hunter sees this exchange. he'd rip lilith a new one even if she'd already apologized#he wouldnt stop chewing her out for even daring to speak to The Amity Blight so disrespectfully unless amity physically pulled him away.#and then he'd threaten lilith and flash step amity away and immediately call luz#now if a MAN tried to yell at amity she would be three seconds away from throwing hands#but she wouldnt even need to worry about getting her hands dirty bcus hunter would already be shoving the man to the fucking ground#and threatening to end his entire life if he even stepped foot into hunter's field of view ever again#this is why its hard for me to imagine hunter living with darius post-belos... darius wasnt kind to him at first either.#and i think hunter living with someone who had actually had a role in his traumatic childhood would make him. regress#he'd fall back into old behaviors without even noticing. im not entirely sure darius would notice either#i love darius and i love darius & hunters bond so much#but it makes so much more sense and would be so much better for hunter to live with the nocedas for a while#not permanently. camila did great with paying for 6 kids under her roof but she was one emergency away from financial devastation#and i dont think hunter would want to live in the human realm permanently either
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Sometimes I really fucking envy the selfish assholes who just don't engage with the news/learn an current events. Like god it must be nice to live in your little bubble, only living in 'the moment' and the 'here and now' around you. It must be so peaceful to be able to see a YouTube short ab current events and say "hmm that's sad" and just scroll onto the next video without giving it a second thought. Must be so fucking peaceful being oblivious. Sometimes I want that. I want to be selfish and self centered, I mean I know I don't but... yknow??
#marquilla#my dr doesnt watch the news and she always responds to my anxiety ab current events to well stop watching the news#BITCH IT DOESN'T MATTER IF I WATCH IT OR NOT ITS STILL THERE its still on my feed regardless it's still existing and i KNOW#it's still existing and me being the fuckinh person i am i cant just turn a blind eye to this shit!#id LOVE to not know what the fuck is going on politically (god help me i wanna die so bad) id LOVE to not know what happened to that poor#little girl who was so fucking close to being saved but was essentially bait to lure in more needless casualties#id love to not know what the fuck is going on with climate change and with nato and with the un. ID LOVE TO BUT I CANT#limiting my online time isnt really an option bc again i cannot step away completely#i can try to limit my access by blacklisting tags and then choosing to hit show anyway on my own terms i can try watching something else#when the news is on i can try limiting how much news i watch BUT IT DOESNT HELP ME#i want to be oblivious i want to be selfish i want to be self centered. i want that fucking peace of mind these assholes have#i know i dont want to be that type of person i just want that mindlessness that illusion of freedom#but how do I obtain it yknow????#the trigger as usual is learning ab project 2025 and working myself into a spiral knowing its more than likely gonna happen and theres jack#shit i can do ab it and just AUGHHHH
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