#and kaz learning that it's okay to reach out to someone in that way or express a need has me like.......

[kazamajun]

today's thought about the kazjuns is I bet they don't PDA much but can totally see more lowkey stuff like kazuya holding jun's hand while he sleeps

[syllvane]

can’t shake the devil sitting on your shoulder - kaz brekker x reader

Kaz doesn't remember when you got so good with a gun.

He knows for sure that at one point you weren't, that at one point you asked Jesper for help in exchange for some kruge to gamble away, but those days were long gone. Now you handled your guns like they were an extension of yourself- not quite as proficient as Jesper, but no one was as good as Jesper. 

Knives too, now that he thought about it. You hadn't taken to them as quickly as you had taken to guns, but you knew your way around them, knew where to aim to cause the most damage. 

It's late one night when you walk into the closed Crow Club, skin stained and hair matted with blood.

It's Jesper sitting at the bar who first sees you, doing a double-take.

“Saints alive, what happened? Are you okay?” He asked, practically jumping out of his seat and striding towards you. “Let me get Nina, or-”

“I'm fine, Jes. The other guys look worse.” You said tiredly, reaching up to rub your eyes, before looking at the blood caked on your hands and thinking better of it.

“Who... what happened to you?” Kaz said, his eyes narrowing as he walked out of his office. “Who did this to you.”

“I took care of it. Barely any of this is mine.”

A sliver of pride welled in Kaz, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.

“Good.” The word tastes like metal in his mouth and he hates the slight nod you give to him, acknowledging and accepting the praise.

The first time you killed someone, you threw up. It was easier the second time and by the tenth time, you had stopped flinching at the sound of the gun firing altogether.

Jesper ignored Kaz's remark, rolling his eyes.

“Do you need Nina?”

You shook your head.

“Not unless she has suddenly become a Tidemaker. It's going to be a pain to clean all of this off.”

“I'll get her anyways, just in case.” He said. “You might be running on adrenaline still.”

You know that you aren't, know what adrenaline feels like and know that it wore off as soon as you were inside the Crow Club, your whole body tired.

You smile thankfully at him anyways, the dried blood on your face cracking at the motion.

He returned it before heading to the back, not paying Kaz any attention as he brushed past.

Your eyes followed him until he was out of sight- then, your gaze landed on Kaz.

He was already looking at you, blue eyes narrowed in thought.

“You look like you have something to say.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“Have you ever known me to hold my tongue?”

“No.”

“There's your answer.”

Neither of you said anything for a couple seconds, hoping that Jesper and Nina would interject themselves.

And maybe it's because you're tired and you're not thinking clearly, but you can't help but push.

“It's just that you keep looking at me like you have something to say.”

“I won't make the mistake of looking at you, then.” He snapped.

“What a terrible mistake.” You replied and his eyes flitted back to you.

You used to be scared of him at some point. And then you learned how to shoot a gun and handle knives and standing there, covered in blood, there is no more fear in your eyes.

You are the thing you used to be afraid of. 

He swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth.

“You used to talk about getting out of Ketterdam. Do you remember that?”

The fight left your eyes for a couple moments, because you did want that, at one point.

You can't pinpoint when you stopped wanting it, the point where you would sometimes catch glimpses of yourself in the mirror and think it was a stranger.

You loved Kaz at some point as well, thought that love alone would be enough to save him.

“No one ever really leaves this place.”

“You thought otherwise.”

“And I was wrong, like you told me I would be.”

He wants to tell you that he wishes that he wasn't right, just this once.

He wishes that the only knives you had to use were for cooking, that you were out of practice with a gun, that you never had to see this much blood, much less be coated in it.

He wishes that love was enough for him too.

[bi-bard]

Atlantic - Kaz Brekker Imagine [Shadow & Bone]

Title: Atlantic

Pairing: Kaz Brekker X Reader

Based On: Atlantic

Word Count: 1,124 words

Warning(s): touch aversion, mention of anxiety

Summary: Kaz goes to (Y/n) for help in preparing for the upcoming heist, much to (Y/n)'s confusion. Luckily, all is made clear soon enough.

Author's Note: I find it fascinating how different my perception of this song after just a matter of months.

Part One of "June" [Release Date: 7/3/2023]

Part Three of "June" [Release Date: 7/7/2023]

YEARBOOK - SLEEPING AT LAST WRITING CHALLENGE MASTERLIST

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Having Kaz show up at my door once was strange.

Having him show up twice was alarming.

It was a few days after I had been taken off of the job. Kaz had kept me largely informed. He told me what they were after and how they were going to travel. I took it all to be a rare act of kindness on his part.

"I thought you were leaving for the job," I said as soon as I opened the door.

"After sunset," he corrected.

"You told me before sunrise. I-"

"You what?"

I held my tongue. He knew what I was going to say.

I had gone to wait for them. I had tried to hide away until it would have been too late for them to turn me away.

"You lied to me," I replied.

"Call it preemptive," he looked to the side. "Are you going to let me in?"

I let out a small huff before stepping to the side for him to walk in. I closed and locked the door behind him.

"I need a favor," he said simply.

"You want me to do you a favor after you just admitted that you lied to me?"

"I wouldn't have needed to lie if I could trust that you weren't going to try to sneak onto the mission."

I rolled my eyes. "What do you want?"

"I need to learn how to dance," he explained. "Properly. It's the only way that Nina and I will be able to make it beyond the main room."

"You want to learn to dance well enough to fool many who have been preparing for these kinds of events their whole lives in a matter of hours... with your hurt leg," I asked. "And you want to do that dance in a room crowded with people with someone that you despised touching your hand for a matter of seconds?"

It was his turn to roll his eyes. "Yes."

"Is this another attempt at that secret comedy career?"

He just raised an eyebrow at me.

I ran my hands over my face. "Well, forgetting the major flaws with this plan... why not ask Nina to help?"

I saw him tense a bit.

"Kaz-"

"You know more," he cut me off bluntly. I saw how uncomfortable he seemed. "It's a better choice."

I took a moment to let my eyes scan him. "Okay. You'll need a place for your cane."

"Inej is going to meet us and get it back to me."

"I see," I nodded.

I watched him lean the cane against the wall. I had to stop myself from rushing forward to help him as he stepped back toward me. Instead, I waited until he was right in front of me. I held one hand out to him, waiting for him to place his hand in mine.

I watched him take a deep breath as he did so.

I reached up and touched his shoulder, now feeling him tense instead of merely seeing it.

"Are you alright," I asked quietly.

He slowly nodded. "Yes. I'm fine."

I nodded. I felt his hand touch my side. "Still alright?"

"Yes."

"If your movements are subtle enough, no one will even notice the limp," I suggested. "Just... follow me. You're a smart man. I'm sure that you'll get a hand of it."

I expected the entire thing to last a matter of minutes before Kaz decided to step away.

I was wrong.

I was so worried about scaring him. Kaz would never admit to being scared. I knew that. But I could see it. Maybe it was more obvious than he meant for it to be, maybe I had just grown to see it.

The movements were small. Only enough to be noticeable. I didn't want him to hurt himself at all. He probably despised the idea of me being so protective of him, but I couldn't help it. It was a natural consequence of spending so much time with the Crows. I worried about all of them, but with Kaz, it was more intense.

Sometimes I believed that was because of his hatred for people looking out for him.

I don't know when the energy in the room shifted.

Or when we stopped moving.

It was all very tense. But not in the same way that it had been before.

Before it was all anxiety. My fear of upsetting Kaz meeting with his fear of touch, which he would never admit to.

But this new tension wasn't anxiety. Or it wasn't anxiety on its own. It was something much more intense... something deeper.

"Kaz," I muttered after realizing that we were just in front of each other.

He didn't reply.

He stared at me silently.

My eyes nervously fluttered around the different parts of his face while his eyes remained hooked on mine. I felt my skin warming up under his gaze. Saints, it was unfair that he got to have such an obvious impact on me.

I felt his hand move in mine. His hold flexed a bit.

I turned to look at our hands. I assumed that he was uncomfortable. I looked back at him and went to pull my hand back.

I didn't get a chance to do that.

As soon as I went to pull back, Kaz leaned forward. I didn't have a chance to react to his movements before his lips brushed mine. It was only a few seconds at most before he leaned back again. As if he had moved out of some kind of instinct before he suddenly snapped out of whatever state he had been in.

He quickly pulled away from me. His hands dropped from me, his eyes went slightly wide, and he turned away from me entirely.

"Kaz," I said quietly as he went to grab his cane.

"I must go," he replied.

"Wait, Kaz-"

"Goodbye."

He walked out, only stopping to clumsily unlock my door. I had never seen him show any sign of being clumsy before. Not like that.

As the door slammed behind him, I felt a deep breath escape me.

The tension and anxiety hadn't followed him. If anything, they had only amplified.

I closed my eyes.

I couldn't get my thoughts in order. I was scrambling. Through the complete silence around me, it felt like my brain was yelling. I should have gone after him. I should have followed him and made him speak to me then and there.

I couldn't. I couldn't get my feet to move forward at all.

All I could do was stand there and let it all overwhelm me.

And hope that I would get to talk about that moment before Kaz did something very, very stupid.

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[ultfan]

@wrinkled-sheets-and-sunlight continued from this ask.

With Gundham's 'habit' of using sex as a show of dominance -- something Teruteru, Kazuichi, and even Fuyuhiko could attest to first hand-- it really was no surprise he'd found a way to get Nagito on his knees for him. It's more of a surprise that it hadn't happened sooner, really.

What was also a surprise was that Kazuichi had wanted to join in-

Okay, no it wasn't. Ever since coming out as bi and learning how to calm the hell down when it came to literally everything, Kaz had found he was more than a bit of a whore. Gundham had been a hatefuck even before he had come out, of which had helped him realize that he wasn't as straight as he had convinced himself to be.

He liked being at someone's mercy, what a fuckin' surprise.

Sometimes he did like to be in charge, if only a little bit, and watching as Gundham shut and locked his dorm door after a rather blunt proposition to the other two boys (First catching Nagito after class, and then Kaz on their way to the dorms, the mechnic simply knowing what was about to transpire) he decided he totally got where the breeder was coming from with the whole 'I'm better than you, you're the dirt beneath my boots, worship me' Thing.

If he wasn't sure of his part to play before, he definitely knew what he wanted now.

Snaking his arms around Nagito's waist from behind, Kaz pressed his already half hard member against his backside, those sharp teeth giving the faintest of nibbles at the pale skin where shoulder and neck met. "Soooo, what're we gonna do to 'im?"

Gundham gave a chuckle at Kaz's eagerness as coat and scarf were removed, a plan able to fully form in his mind now that he knew Kaz would be his partner in this instead of Nagito's. For now, at least. Gundham wouldn't be surprised if the mechnic broke down and begged to be fucked somewhere down the line, almost hoping it would come to pass. How pretty he sounded when was pleading to be touched...

"I was thinking we would allow our guest to choose, seeing as it was not our original plan for a third. Not that it's unwelcome, mind you." The reassurance was quick, Gundham not liking the nervous look that fell across Kaz's face, like he had inconvenienced them or something.

"What say you, Cursed One?" Low in tone, heavy boots made their way to the pair in slow, calculated steps, Gundham's hand reaching up to grip at Nagito's chin to force his attention his way. "The Tamer of Automatons is quite clever with that tongue of his, though mine is not to be disserviced either." Purred, Nagito's head was titled up as Gundham leaned just a breath away from his lips, all the while Kaz pressed nipping kisses along his throat. He wasn't breaking skin, not yet, but it was a show at just how dangerous those teeth could be.

"Or perhaps you wish for one of us to fuck you, the other taking this pretty little mouth of yours. Or you us? I would not be opposed to having you on your knees before me, and neither would Kazuichi, I do believe. Though I am not one to submit so easily, if that is the path you wish to tread. Kazuichi on the other hand..." Sputtered protest rang over Nagito's shoulder, even if it was true, quickly silenced with a pointed look of darkened eyes, that had Kaz swallowing hard.

"Well? What do you wish of us?"

                     the proposition had initially surprised him, but it was one komaeda was eager to accept. honored, to accept even. excitement stirring up within him even before souda had been invited to join in as well. something that komaeda also wasn't opposed to in the slightest. to have one of them interested in something like this was one thing... but both of them?

                     he felt so lucky!

                     breath hitches in his throat as he feels souda pressed up against him, body tensed in anticipation. just the feeling of lips and teeth on his skin is enough to get him worked up. how hard he's already gotten would be embarrassing were he capable of being embarrassed by such a thing. thankfully for him, he's not. even though that, too, would probably be a turn-on...

                     eyes stay locked onto tanaka as he removes his coat and scarf, eager to hear the answer to souda's question. but rather than receive one, the onus on answering is given to him.

                     the pounding in his chest increases as his chin is grabbed; his eyes locking with tanaka's, his eagerness shining clearly within them. he swallows visibly as his options are listed, a bead of sweat forming on his brow. he could never make one of them submit to him, of that he's certain. if they were some nobodies, sure, but that wasn't the case. they were chosen people — symbols of hope — the ultimates specially chosen to attend this academy. to attempt to take control in a situation like this would be impudent — it was ridiculous to even consider.

                     ‶  i couldn't possibly ask you guys to service someone so unworthy.  ″ it wasn't his place — but he doesn't sound disheartened by it. no, he was quite content with this role in this world. the one only he believed that he had. he smiles, almost softly, his hand coming to rest on tanaka's shoulder for the time being.  ‶  i wouldn't mind you both using me for your own pleasure. actually — i insist!  ″

                     it's not as if komaeda is one to hand things over easily; not often, at least. he likes to challenge, he likes to see them overcome the odds and come out the other end even better than before. as much as he claims to want to be useful to them all — for them to use him — a stepladder could hardly be called a stepladder if you didn't have to climb it.

                     ‶  please, feel free to do whatever you want to me. though, i can't promise i'll give anything up for free either.  ″ a laugh mixes with his last words, light and airy —  almost a little mischievous. naturally, he knows he can be moved around by either of these two no problem. he's weak and frail, easily picked up — pinned down — thrown around — you name it. still, it's fun to play a more teasing role every now and then.  ‶  haha, but i'm sure the ultimate breeder wouldn't have any trouble taming such a lowly beast, right? well — i guess that goes for the both of you, huh?  ″

[thoselethalarts]

𝓚𝓪𝔃𝓾𝓸 𝓖𝓾𝓮𝓻𝓻𝓮𝓻𝓸 - 𝓟𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓵 𝓢𝓽𝓸𝓻𝔂

(R) School Uniform: “I Totally Forgot!”

(NRC: Exterior Hallway)

Kazuo: Okaaay… whew! Okay, I think I got it now. I should be okay for the exam now with all this in mind. Kazuo: Hey, thanks again for helping me with this history review session, Riddle! Kazuo: I know I’m not in your dorm, but I doubt Leona would have wanted to help me with this. It really means a lot that you could do this for me.

Riddle: Of course. You’re a fast learner, Kazuo, and it pleases me to see my fellow classmates doing what they can to naturally excel in their academics. Riddle: It matters little to me which dorm you originated from. I understand that some dorms struggle with their leadership, so I’m glad that you reached out to me.

Kazuo: Well I’m glad you made the time for me! Memorization is something I struggle with sometimes, so having quick review before our history exams is exactly what I needed. Kazuo: Especially with the Queen of Hearts stuff… sometimes the history around her time is so murky and abstract, it’s hard to really internalize what happened as “real”, if that makes sense.

Riddle: Really? That’s the first time I’ve ever heard someone describe her history as such. Honestly, I find it quite simple, I fail to see it as “abstract” in any way. Riddle: That reminds me… have you ever attended one of our Unbirthday Parties, Kazuo?

Kazuo: Unbirthday Parties? Heheh, can’t say I have, but I’ve heard of them though! Through, uh, my friends and stuff, ya know?

Riddle: To be expected that someone like yourself was well connected, you’re quite personable and well spoken. Riddle: Well, if you’re interested in learning more of the history of the Queen of Hearts, there would be no better opportunity to learn than to attend one and experience her history firsthand. Riddle: We’ll be hosting one this coming Friday at 4:00 sharp. If you’d like to come, we’d be happy to have you.

Kazuo: Oh, really? I’d love to be there! It’ll be okay for me to be there even if I’m not part of your dorm though, right?

Riddle: Certainly. There’s no issues with outside guests attending an Unbirthday Party, so long as they mind their manners and follow all the rules of attendance. Riddle: You need not worry, I’ll be sure to teach you strict and proper Unbirthday etiquette. All you must do is follow my leadership, and you’ll be alright.

Kazuo: Awesome~ I’ll totally be there, then! I’ll make a note of it so I won’t forget.

Riddle: Splendid. I’ll be sure to reserve you a seat. I look forward to seeing you then, Kazuo. Riddle: Ah-! Speaking of being late, look at the time. Since we’re finished, please excuse me. I must return to Heartslabyul immediately so I won’t be late for afternoon tea. Riddle: Remember, this coming Friday at 4:00 sharp. Do not be late under any circumstances, or it will be your head to pay.

(Riddle quickly departs from the hallway)

Kazuo: Take care, Riddle! Kazuo: Man this is gonna be awesome~ I’ve always wondered what it would be like to attend an Unbirthday Party in person! Kazuo: I should bring a thank you gift for attending! It’s what my mom would want me to do, I’m sure. Wonder if maybe the Mystery Shop has something appropriate for me to bring…

(Kaz walks away down the hall, departing from the College and walking toward Mr. S’s Mystery Shop)

(NRC: Outside of Mr. S’s Mystery Shop)

Kazuo: What does someone bring to an Unbirthday Party I wonder… Kazuo: Some roses, maybe? Maybe a weird teacup or silverware? Would they even need something like that? Kazuo: Wait, should I bring a hat? Would it be normal to wear a hat to one of these? Gah, there’s so many options-!

(Bump!)

Kalim: WAAH-!?

(The sound of items hitting the floor)

Kazuo: Oh-! Crap, sorry Kalim! I didn’t see you there!

Kalim: Ahh~ I couldn’t see either ‘cuz of how many bags I was carrying…! My bad, my bad! Kalim: Ack, I hope the banana chips didn’t get crushed when I dropped them!

Kazuo: Geez, you really had a lot on your hands. Here, lemmie help you carry some of those.

Kalim: Much appreciated! I’m just heading back to Scarabia if you wanna follow me there.

Kazuo: Sure! That’s no biggie at all. Kazuo: What are you carrying all these big bags for, anyway? This looks like a lotta foodstuffs to be needing all at once.

Kalim: Oh! We’re gonna have a big party in Scarabia this Friday, so Jamil sent me to pick up some things we’ll need in preparation! Kalim: Some of it’s for decorations and some of it is herbs, spices, and ingredients for the actual banquet. Every last thing in there’s important! It’s all what’ll make this party a real blast! Kalim: There’s gonna be music, dancing, and a big feast with lots of foods from the Scaling Sands! I’m excited already just thinking about it!

Kazuo: Oh, really? That sounds awesome! Kazuo: I’ve never been to a Scarabia party before, or had food from Scalding Sands that is. It sounds like it’d be something fun to experience!

Kalim: What, really?! That’s so sad! We have so many good things to eat back in Scalding Sands! Not to mention the music, and the performances…! Kalim: Ohh… I’m sad just thinking of all the things you’ve been missing out on. Alright, it’s settled then! Kaz, I want you to come to our party this Friday!

Kazuo: Huh?! Are you sure it’d be okay? I mean, you already bought all this food and everything, I don’t wanna impose and make you buy more.

Kalim: It’ll be alright! Jamil will know what to do to make everything work out alright, he always does, ah~haha! Kalim: Besides, if it’s something you wanna experience, I’d like to provide you with the best introduction you can get!

Kazuo: Well… alright! When’s the party going to be?

Kalim: 4:00 on Friday!

Kazuo: Sick! I don’t think I’ve got anything going on then, so I’ll be there!

Kalim: Great! I can’t wait to show you a good time Scarabia-style! Kalim: I’ll make sure Jamil helps make as many foods as possible, so you can really have the full experience! Just make sure to bring a big appetite, haha!

Kazuo: I’ve got enough of one already with all the athletics I have to do, so that won’t be a problem at all!

(More time passes…)

(NRC: Main Street)

Kazuo: Phew! That was a pretty long walk with all those bags! Kazuo: Now, back to what I was doing… um… Kazuo: Wait, what was I doing? I went to the Mystery Shop for a reason, but now I can’t remember what I was going there for…

(Footsteps approach from the distance)

Matt: I thought I heard his voice o’er here. Hey, Kaz!

Kazuo: Eh-? Oh, hey Matt! Hey Marcus! What’s up, guys?

Marcus: Don’t you remember? The signups for the Ignihyde LAN tournament end today. Marcus: I couldn’t find you earlier, so I went and just put both of our names on the signup sheet for us.

Matt: I won’t be there though, cuz Heartslabyul has a thing goin’ on that day.

Kazuo: Oh yeah! I totally forgot we were doing that today, my bad! Kazuo: I feel like there’s been so many things happening today, I’ve completely lost track of time~

Marcus: Oh yeah? What’ve you been up to?

Kazuo: Well earlier I was hanging out with Riddle, and he invited me to the Unbirthday Party that’s gonna be on Friday! I’m stoked to be there and experience one in person~ Kazuo: Then I- oh, I remember now, I was going to the Mystery Shop to see if I could find something to bring as a thank you present, but then I bumped into Kalim while I was there. Kazuo: He had a lot of food that he was carrying back to his dorm, so I thought I’d lend him a hand since he had so much with him. He said they’re gonna be having a party at Scarabia, and invited me to come too!

Marcus: Oh, really? That’s cool. When’d he say it was gonna be?

Kazuo: Oh, he said it was on uh... Wait. Kazuo: Ah, crap! I told both of them I was gonna be there, and both of their parties are this Friday…! At the same time, too!

Marcus: Wait, are you serious? They’re both on Friday?

Kazuo: Yes! God, I can’t believe I forgot… Kalim got me so distracted I completely forgot that the Unbirthday Party was also at the same time…!

Marcus: Uh, Kaz? I have even worse news for you.

Kazuo: What is it…?

Marcus: The LAN party is on Friday too.

Kazuo: What!? You can’t be serious, how did I forget that too?!

Marcus: Bro… you didn’t just double book yourself, you triple booked yourself to three different events. You really didn’t think this through, did you?

Kazuo: Uuugghhh, nooooo…. What am I gonna do, I can’t be in three places at once…! Kazuo: Riddle will be so mad if I don’t come, and Kalim will be so sad…! And the Ignihydes-! Well, they probably won’t care, but I wanna go to that too so badly! Kazuo: What am I gonna do, what am I gonna do…?

Marcus: Haahh… Kaz, just talk to them, alright? Nobody’s going to be mad at you as long as you just communicate, okay?

Kazuo: You think so…?

Matt: Think of it like this- the Unbirthday Parties are once a month, every month. Kalim throws parties every other weekend at minimum ‘cuz that’s jus’ how he is. Matt: We never really know when the LAN parties are ‘cuz Ignihyde jus’ plans ‘em whenever they feel like havin’ one.

Kazuo: I mean that’s true, but… you’re gonna be at the Unbirthday Party, right? It’d be fun to go with somebody I know.

Matt: I’m only goin’ cuz Riddle gave me shit about it when I was ditchin’ last year. ‘s not like it’s high on my agenda.

Kazuo: Yeah, but still…

Marcus: Ugh… Look, I won’t tell you what do to, but consider this: if you cancel with Riddle, then I can also go next month with the both of you.

Kazuo: Really?! You mean it?!

Marcus: E-Eh… I-I mean sure, yeah, I guess. Marcus: I don’t really like parties all that much, but if there’s free food and drink, then I guess I can come.

Kazuo: That would be awesome! Alright, I’ll just tell Riddle I’ll come next time! I’m sure he’ll understand~ Kazuo: Then that just leaves Kalim… I don’t really wanna break his heart, but knowing him he might just plan another party just for me if I tell him why I can’t come.

Marcus: There you go, you got this. Marcus: Either way, Friday is two days away, so you have all day tomorrow to talk to everyone and get things sorted out.

Kazuo: Y-Yeah…! I just gotta talk to everyone tomorrow about it, it won’t be that hard!

Marcus: And next time, Kaz… maybe you should start writing things down on a planner or something so you won’t forget the plans you make with others. Marcus: If it’ll help you remember, then maybe it’s worth investing in.

Kazuo: Why would I do that when I’ve got friends like you two to remember things for me?

Marcus: Wha-! I’m not your personal calendar…!

Kazuo: Kidding! I’m just kidding~ Hehehe~

/ End

[seidenbros]

Breaking the Ice - Chapter 4

Pairing: Wylan van Eck x Jesper Fahey

Summary: “That looked so good!” Inej said when he returned and applauded him, but she realised that his mind wasn’t one hundred percent here. His smile didn’t reach his eyes, but at least he tried. “She hasn’t messaged yet.” “Oh… okay.” Wylan hated how much it distracted him, and how much he wanted to hear from her, because he shouldn’t care. But he did. Because the conversation at the Gala as well as the moment in the elevator were still in his mind, and had obviously had their effect on him. The way Jesper had looked at him, treated him, listened to him… Because he’d felt so connected to him, Wylan had run away. Yes, it was also because this wasn’t like him at all, to make out with someone in an elevator like this, but he’d been more scared about everything Jesper had made him feel. OR Even in training, Wylan keeps thinking about Jesper.

Warning/Tags: POV Jesper Fahey, POV Wylan van Eck, Alternate Universe - Hockey, Alternate Universe - Figure skating, Hockey Coach Kaz Brekker, injuries, Jan van Eck is the scum of the Earth, sexual content, implied child abuse

Read on AO3

Whenever Wylan needed to clear his head, he either went out jogging or he stepped on the ice. Being physically active helped him, and the ice had always been a safe space for him, where he’d been able to do what he wanted and feel free, even when he’d still lived at home. Back then, he’d spent as much time here at the rink as he could, wanting to improve on the one hand, but on the other, it just calmed him down.

Ever since yesterday evening, he hadn’t been able to concentrate properly, because seeing Jesper go down like this, had left him in shock. People went down all the time, he knew that, and he’d seen his fair share of injuries on the ice, but seeing Jesper lying flat on the ice, not moving at all, had nearly made his heart stop.

He’d come to multiple games over the years - not all of them of course, but whenever he could - but since the elevator incident, Wylan had been a bit weary to go to one of the games, but it hadn’t stopped him. Still, he had to admit that it irked him that Jesper hadn’t called or texted him. Wylan didn’t have his number, and he knew that his departure must have left Jesper a little… confused, but he’d hoped that Jesper would get in touch with him. Even if Jesper had called, he wasn’t sure how to tell him what had gone through his mind at that time. By now, he figured that Jesper didn’t want to get in touch with him, want to talk to him or, well, have anything to do with him in general. He had to admit that it really stung, because he thought that there had been something between them, apart from the obvious physical attraction, but apparently, he’d been wrong or Jesper would have contacted him.

Still, seeing him on the ice yesterday had really worried him and was continuing to do so when he took the ice this afternoon. He’d been out for a jog early in the morning, after he’d only slept for about four hours, but he’d needed the fresh air, and it had actually emptied his mind a little bit. With his music on full blast on his headphones, he’d been able to drown out the whole world, including all his thoughts, intrusive or not. Whenever he’d gotten a message, though, he’d checked his phone to see if it was from Nina, who’d promised to  keep him updated.

Nina was actually the only one who knew about the kiss, but he’d made her swear not to breathe a word to anyone, and especially not Matthias. It wasn’t like he’d told her just like that, it had been more of an interrogation on her part, because she’d seen Jesper go after him at the Charity Gala, and she’d wanted to know what had happened. Wylan had gotten a lot better at lying - one thing he’d learned at home - but Nina would probably be able to get everything out of him if she wanted to, and so he’d told her what had happened in the elevator and how he’d pretty much run from the situation. For a moment, she’d looked at him quietly, but then she’d assured him that his reaction had been understandable. For her at least, though she couldn’t speak for Jesper, and she wouldn’t find out what he’d thought, since she had promised him to not talk to anyone about this. And if he knew one thing, it was that Nina could keep this promise. After all, she knew the details about the evening when he’d been hit by a car, because Wylan had recognised which car it had been, but had never told the police. It had only occurred to him a few weeks after the incident, and it still haunted him in a way.

Nina had been his physiotherapist even before that and they’d become friends along the way. She’d seen all sides of him, and he’d seen all of hers in turn, so it was no wonder she thought of him now and told him what had happened at the hospital with Jesper and that he hadn’t woken up so far.

“And here I thought I’d be first for once,” Inej’s voice rang through the empty ice rink, startling Wylan a little bit, but he managed a smile when he looked over at her.

“Haven’t been here long,” he called back, but then decided to skate over to her. Inej knew that Wylan had talked to Jesper that night at the Charity Gala, that they’d flirted, but he hadn’t told her about the kiss. Inej knew how much he loved hockey, though, and that he’d been to the game the previous night.

“Have you heard from Nina yet?” she asked him once he stopped at the boards where she was putting on her own skates.

“Surgery went well apparently, but he hasn’t woken up yet. She’ll text me when she knows more.” Of course, he’d let Inej know this morning, probably when she’d still been asleep, but she hadn’t been mad about it.

“Alright.” Once she had her skates on, she stepped onto the ice and held out her hand. “Give me your phone.”

“I-”

“You won’t leave it on the bench and I don’t want you to have it on you, so give it to me and I’ll tell you the moment you get a message so you can check, okay?”

“Okay. It’s probably for the best.” She meant well, and he knew it, because normally, he left his phone in his bag, because it could be a distraction, and they didn’t need that here. So, it was rather sweet of Inej to take his phone and let him know. He’d be less distracted that way, that was for sure.

“Good. I think you’ve warmed up enough?”

Wylan nodded, because even though he hadn’t been here long, he’d been rather active, but hadn’t done any jumps and the like so far. He’d waited for that for Inej, so he didn’t do anything alone, since he knew he wasn’t a hundred percent concentrated, so they’d take it easy today anyway.

“Just… let’s skip Not About Angels today, okay? I’m really not in the mood for that.” It would distract him only further, and that wasn’t anything they needed right now. It was a powerful performance, and an emotional one, so he’d rather opt for something else. Especially because it was his previous programme and not what he would present at the next official competition.

“How about I’ll just put some music on for practice and at the end, we can do a round or two of If You Only Knew ? That way, we can just practise some figures and then see about your programme.” If they got this far, but they still had some time and they actually only had to do some adjustments still. There were some parts where Wylan was a little concerned. Inej knew that he could stand these jumps without a problem, because he was that skilled, but he was scared. She could see it in his eyes again and again. When nobody was watching - and she knew that because she’d stayed behind once when she’d told him that she’d leave - he didn’t seem to worry that much. It was understandable after his injury, and no matter how quickly he’d been on the ice again, Inej knew that it was still holding him back a little bit. She’d understand it even more if it had happened on the ice, if that was what was holding him back, but after every time he’d fallen here, he hadn’t had a problem. Falling, getting injured, these things happened, and Wylan had always shrugged them off after doing what the doctors and Nina had told him to do. But after being hit by that car, something had been holding him back.

“Alright, let’s go,” Wylan said and nodded, while Inej was still choosing the music she saw fit on her phone that was connected to the audio system at the ice-rink. At first, he did a few simple turns and jumps, before he went into a pirouette. The music was filling the room and Wylan adjusted his tempo accordingly as he turned around his own axis, lifting his right leg before he crouched down. Then he straightened from his crouching position again, finishing his pirouette by taking off in Inej’s direction again.

Next, he did two triple flips right after each other, going into a half turn before he dug the toe pick of his right skate into the ice to perform the jump. He landed both of them without a problem, and it really got him going. He was completely in his element here, this was what he loved to do, and he knew how lucky he was that he was able to earn his money like this. Most people would probably think that he didn’t have to worry about a thing with a father like Jan van Eck, who had made so many millions that he would never have to do anything and still live a very happy and luxurious life, but that wasn’t the case. Wylan didn’t want any money from him and if he could, he would cut him out of his life forever. It just wasn’t that easy with both of them being in the public eye, and that small part inside of him that was still seeking his father’s validation. His father would drag him down and say the most awful things about him, because that was just who he was. And people would believe him because he was Jan van Eck. Wylan had evidence for a few things that had happened throughout the years, but he didn’t know whether it was enough or not. At least his father couldn’t blackmail him anymore with his dyslexia, because Wylan had spoken up about the matter himself in an interview, had made it public, and continued to raise awareness.

With a deep breath, he concentrated on his training again. A couple toe loops followed, and while he was gliding backwards on his left skate, he contemplated doing a quadruple lutz, but when the moment came, he didn’t do it and decided on a triple lutz instead, his heart racing in his chest at the mere possibility of doing a quadruple one. Something inside him always blocked him when he thought about these things. Maybe, it was the fear of being injured again, because the accident had taken its toll on him, and it was only thanks to Nina and her great work that he was on the ice again and moving that well. He knew how it could have turned out with a fractured femoral neck. He had been lucky that he was still so young and that his fractures had healed so quickly and so well. But he still remembered the pain he’d endured, and that was probably holding him back a little bit.

When the music stopped, Wylan finished his run with a triple salchow, immediately followed by a double loop, which he stood perfectly. Before he returned to Inej, he skated around the whole rink twice as fast as he could, because he just needed to do this, see how fast he could go and breathe in the cold air.

“That looked so good!” Inej said when he returned and applauded him, but she realised that his mind wasn’t one hundred percent here. His smile didn’t reach his eyes, but at least he tried. “She hasn’t messaged yet.”

“Oh… okay.” Wylan hated how much it distracted him, and how much he wanted to hear from her, because he shouldn’t care. But he did. Because the conversation at the Gala as well as the moment in the elevator were still in his mind, and had obviously had their effect on him. The way Jesper had looked at him, treated him, listened to him… Because he’d felt so connected to him, Wylan had run away. Yes, it was also because this wasn’t like him at all, to make out with someone in an elevator like this , but he’d been more scared about everything Jesper had made him feel.

“Do you want to keep going or do you need a break?” Inej asked him, placing her hand on his shoulder to get him to look at her.

“I think a little break might be good.” They both skated over to the bench and sat down. Wylan reached for his bottle and Inej did the same.

“You do know you’ve got it in you to land the quadruples too, right? Because I’ve seen you do that.” Not in a competition so far, because the one two years ago would have been a first. But every time when they’d practised that routine, Wylan had landed his jumps without a problem, whether it had been triples or quadruples.

“I know… And I wanted to do a quadruple lutz there, but I just couldn’t.”

“The only problem ist, that you’ll need to try these if you want to win the competitions. Not the first one maybe, but you know.”

The first one wasn’t a proper competition that fell into any kind of ranking. It was a local competition they were doing for charity, and a lot of skaters had said they would come by. Of course, they had to make it a little competition, and Wylan was looking forward to it, because he loved doing things for a good cause. He could do his free skate from the previous season.

“Oh… looks like you’ve got a message,” Inej said as she handed Wylan his phone.

His heart skipped a little beat at that and he quickly unlocked his phone to read the message. And there it was, a genuine smile appeared on his lips and he took a deep breath.

“Jesper is awake, and considering the circumstances, he’s doing alright.”

“That’s great to hear.” Inej patted his knee and sent him a smile. “How about we call it a day, hm? You could use some rest, and me too to be honest.”

“You know… That actually sounds like a good idea.”

“And that from someone who I have to drag off the ice on some days.”

“Ha ha very funny.” But they both did chuckle, since it was the truth. Today, though, Wylan would leave together with Inej and head home. Now that he knew that Jesper was doing alright , he could probably get some sleep.

[ace-in-a-shopping-cart]

Okay would you do this one with Kaz and reader, but have it be a happy ending?

Character B is trying to do what they need to do to make themselves feel better and Character A keeps fussing over them, pissing Character B off and making them feel small. Argument ensues. 

You are one of my comfort writers. Your stories are always amazing. You’re so talented and awesome!

Awww, thank you so much! 

Weak; Chronic Pain Writing Prompt

Word Count: 2,276 CW: Fighting, food mention, pain, knife mention

Y/N’s head lifted from their book as Kaz limped into the room. His leg felt like it was on fire, a long week of walking and a bad landing during a heist leaving it sore. He flashed Y/N a small smile as he moved around the space, grabbing a towel and the basin of water from their stand and moving them to his side table.

“What are you doing, dear? Is everything alright?” Y/N asked, voice laced with concern. When Kaz glanced back at them, their book was in their lap and their brow was furrowed in the way it did when the pair were leaning over maps to plan escape routes.

Kaz started back across the room for his pain cream, an item made by a local Alchemi that he paid for monthly, and almost groaned as the journey felt like it was much longer than it truly was. “I’m just grabbing something.”

Y/N sighed, their book being placed on their side table when Kaz was halfway there. “Kaz, sit down. If you tell me what you need, I can grab it for you.” The offer filled him with a brief sense of warmth. It had been a long time since he’d had someone to care for him, even longer since he’d properly let them. Maybe he could give into the weakness just this once and allow them to do him that small kindness.

Kaz took another look at the cabinet before giving in and sitting heavily on the edge of the bed closer to his destination. “I need my pain medication, the tub of beige cream, out of the top of the wardrobe.” Instantly, the weight being lifted from his leg helped the pain to lessen. 

Y/N nodded, pressing a light kiss to his temple before walking over to grab the cream, having to go on their toes to reach it. Kaz shifted farther back on the bed, shuffling along it like a child until he was leaning against the headboard, and pulled a pillow over to put under his leg to elevate it.

Y/N returned with the container and sat on the edge of the bed, concern written clearly across their face. “Is there anything else I can help with?”

Kaz shook his head, reaching for the bowl and towel he’d placed nearby. “No, thank you, darling. Just go back to your book for now.”

Still, they didn’t listen and shifted the towel closer to the edge of the table and within his reach. Kaz huffed a breath from the strain and grabbed it. He dipped the towel in the cool water and began rubbing down his leg, feeling relief almost instantly. Using the other end of the towel, he dried his leg off before he started rubbing in the cream, massaging his muscles along with it to truly relax them as much as he could.

The pain was deeper than the bone, something that couldn’t be fixed with something as simple as water and a towel but the numbing portion of the pain relief was something he’d paid the Grisha extra for and it did its job. The only downside to the numbness was that when he used the cream, he had to be prepared to either rely twice as much on his cane or not get out of bed for a while as it was nearly impossible to walk on the leg when his senses were deadened. 

“Are you sure you don’t need any help?” Y/N asked.

Kaz looked up at them, trying to make his voice soft. “Dear, I love you, but I need some space right now.”

Y/N nodded, biting their lip. They didn’t move from their spot beside him and Kaz braced himself for another question. They were trying to help and be nice, but it was starting to get on his nerves. Within a few minutes, Y/N spoke again. “How bad is the pain?”

“Do you want the honest answer a lover should give?” Their relationship was still new and they were learning together how they wanted to handle information sharing. A good tactic they’d settled on was this: asking how information should be delivered to give the best results. It was stiff and could feel formal at times but Kaz thought it was working so far.

“I don’t want the answer a Barrel boss would give. I want you to be real with me, Kaz.”

He nodded and took a breath. “It’s bad. Worse than it’s been in a few months. I’ll be fine, I just need to rest for a few hours.”

“Okay. If it’s still not back down to manageable levels by the morning, I can deliver any reports you need.”

Were they implying he was incapable of doing his job? That he was weak? He felt his anger rise at the thought, the insecurity, but he pushed it back down, held it in check. After all, this was his lover talking to him, they deserved some courtesy. He could have just misinterpreted their words, no matter how much they stung. “No, Y/N, that won’t be needed.”

“Well, maybe it will be! I know I can’t meet with any clients but I can definitely meet with Dregs if needed.” They stood to pace, gnawing on the edge of their thumb, and Kaz could feel the anger inside him like it was a pressure building near his ribs. “If you were to write things down, I could handle giving out instructions to the teams you assemble to handle heists. Any high profile heists that come along, I’m sure the Crows and I can handle.”

They were throwing him out of future heists simply because he was having a bad pain day? Did they truly think he was that weak? Kaz shook his head, that pressure exploding inside him. “I need you to leave.” He’d tried to keep his voice even and civil but a discordant and black note of something almost sinister had crept into it.

Y/N turned from their pacing, hurt blooming over their face. Hurt and fear. “What?”

“Get out, dammit! Leave! Go anywhere but here!” Kaz hadn’t meant to but he’d ended up yelling at them, his voice a growl of anger and hurt and pain.

Tears soon followed the hurt that showed on their face, running down their cheeks as they ran from the room. Kaz listened to Y/N’s hurried steps fade down the stairs, left with the memory of the sob they’d tried to hold back before leaving.

Kaz sighed, running a hand through his hair. For a moment, he thought about banging his cane on the floor to get them to come back or get someone to come up so he could tell that person to bring Y/N back there. Then, he gave into his weakness and frustration. With a yell, he hurled the damp towel across the room and watched it slide across the floor. He couldn’t feel his leg, the pain cream numbing it to an extent that his senses were dulled.

Being stuck in the bed left Kaz with a lot of time to think. He tried to think about business, who was an easy target, how to improve the Crow Club, even what he could do to expand his business. Still, every thought came back around to Y/N and the fight.

He knew they hadn’t meant to hurt him but the inferences didn’t hurt any less. The way he thought they perceived him wasn’t less painful just because it wasn’t meant by them. He loved them, he was just terrible at expressing it. He needed them to know it. Needed them to know what went on in his mind both during and after the fight, to know that he still loved them as deeply as ever and still needed-wanted-Y/N in his life. He just didn’t know how to do that.

Pulling a book from the side table, Kaz tried to calm down. He compartmentalized his brain, pushing the lovers’ quarrel to the back of his mind as he focused on his book. If there was nothing he could do about it in that moment, there was no use dwelling on it. So, he allowed his mind to wander in the world of the novel he’d picked up, allowed his emotions to be more affected by the characters than by his reality. Letting his mind rest and relax caused time to pass in a way he didn’t notice.

When he next lifted his head at the end of a chapter, his leg was no longer numb nor was it aching as much as before, the pain was back to normal levels for him. He put the book down and grabbed his cane, swinging off the bed. The leg buckled but Kaz held firm, willing it to share his weight with the cane and his good leg. He persisted and limped to the door, making his way down the stairs.

Anika was sitting on the bottom steps, flipping a knife around, and Kaz pushed past her before looking back and asking, “Where’s Y/N?” She blinked at him once before pointing toward the kitchen. Kaz sighed and spun on his heel, marching in that direction.

Y/N was humming as they sorted cans and bags. Kaz’s face softened, a small smile coming to his lips at the sight of them. They always did this when they were upset, exerting control over an area of their life, no matter how small, in the form of reorganizing the kitchen. “If you’ve come to talk, Kaz,” they said without looking back at him, “I don’t know that I’m ready to talk with you.”

Kaz stepped into the room, sitting at the small round table that was pushed against a wall. “Okay. I can wait for you. We need to talk about it sooner rather than later but we can do it when we’re both ready.”

Y/N looked over their shoulder at him for a moment and nodded once. Another few shelves were reordered in silence, a box of expired items being packed and set against the wall nearest the back door. Finally, Y/N sat with their back to the shelves and legs stretched out before them.

“Alright, Kaz. Let’s talk.”

Kaz rested his cane against the table, leaning forward to clasp his hands together and rest his elbows on his legs. “First, I want to apologize for yelling at you. It was cruel and you didn’t deserve it.” They nodded for him to keep going. “Second: I still love you. That argument did not erase that, nor did it diminish it in the slightest. In fact, after I calmed down, it increased my love for you.” Kaz paused, needing to take the time to gather himself.

Y/N laughed quietly. “I know that feeling. Loving someone more after a fight.” He looked up at them to see them shrug. “I guess I shouldn’t have pressed so much. You’ve been dealing with your pain for a lot longer than I have. I should have trusted you to be the ultimate source on it. I’m sorry for that.”

Kaz shook his head. “To be fair to you, that wasn’t the part that hurt me. I actually liked that you wanted to be involved in the process of caring for my leg. It’s . . . a new level of intimacy for me that I think we could both come to enjoy.”

Y/N tilted their head. “Then what got you angry?”

“The things that came after that. The talk of taking my work and doing it for me, of keeping me out of future heists. I’m not proud to say it, but it hurt.” Kaz forced the words past his lips, gave in to the vulnerability that he should be able to have with his lover. “I know you meant for it to be a good thing, to give me time to rest, but it made me feel small. In the moment, I thought you saw me as weak.”

Y/N’s eyes widened. “No! No, not at all! Kaz, you’re the strongest person I know! I would never see you as weak, especially not for something as simple as this. I’m sorry that my words came off that way but it wasn’t my intention at all.”

Kaz smiled at them, lips tilting up in affection. “I know, dear. Still, in the heat of the moment, that is what I inferred from your words and it was wrong of me to do so. The words that weren’t intended to hurt ended up causing more pain than good.” He paused for a breath. “In the future, something needs to change.”

Y/N nodded. “I agree. I need to work on being more clear with my words, and you need to work on voicing emotions.”

Kaz chuckled. “Giving each other homework, great.”

Y/N laughed with him. “It’s not homework but if you want to think of it that way, sure. Either way, we both need to change something to be better at communicating.”

Kaz nodded. “I couldn’t agree more, love.”

A board creaked and the couple’s eyes shot to the door, where Pim was standing with a cup. “Uhh, I’ll come back later.”

Y/N threw a small bag at him. “And stay out! Don’t you know better than to come into a room when people are trying to talk!”

Kaz laughed at their antics. “So, are we good?”

Y/N nodded and stood, coming over to steal his hat and drop a kiss on his head. “Yeah, we’re good.”

[yesimwriting]

The Promise of Rain, Blurb 3

Technically the third in a blurb-ish series (though this is kinda long for a blurb lol) but can technically be read as a stand alone, but i think the other parts make this seem more significant lol

A/n kinda angsty, not sure if i loveeee this but i haven’t posted a fic in such a long time bc of graduation chaos but now it’s summer and i’m working on a lot of requests/stories :))

Summary: jealousy is out of place when there’s no real warrant for it, and sometimes it’s okay to be content--to not need the rain to make you promises. 

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x sunshine-y! reader

--

Tiredness dulls the part of me that craves the rambunctious, but I’m still positive. I smile when someone does something only the truly inebriated find comical. I laugh when something somewhat actually funny happens, and I let the world around me drink. Twenty minutes--in twenty minutes I will claim a headache and go upstairs. 

“You okay, y/n?” Jesper’s concern would border on genuinely considerate if it wasn’t for the slightest hint of slur in his words. Nights in which he consols himself after losing game after game are when he’s the friendliest. “You’re strangely quiet--you’re never quiet.” 

I press my lips together oddly, smiling in a way that finally reaches my eyes. Jesper’s nice in an oddly particular way when he’s tipsy. Overly observant and careful. “Just a little tired,” I shift in my seat, leaning back against the plush seat in Kaz’s office, “I wish Kaz would just get here and dismiss us so I can go to bed.” 

Jesper smiles, lifting his arm slightly and causing his glass to sway. Kaz is not going to take it well when he realizes that Jesper was extremely involved in the downstairs celebration. He turns ungracefully, moving to sit next to me with no warning. I half-heartedly glare as he takes up most of the small couch. 

“You’re grumpy when you’re tired,” Jesper hums, stretching his casually. 

I sigh once, but it lacks any bite. “I do not.” 

He smiles easily, tilting his head so far to the side that it falls against the back of the seat, “No...but I know the real reason you’re grumpy.” 

Rolling my eyes, I suppress my instinctual reaction. That would only expose his words as true. “I am not grumpy, there is no reason--” 

“You know he hated it.” 

I exhale, tired and slowly losing my fragine hold on fake tranquility. “Yeah.” That should make it  better. “I know.” It doesn’t--it doesn’t make anything better. 

So the contact we so desperately needed on our side took to flirting with Kaz. It was an uncomfortable situation because of its precariousness and I was worried because I know about his issues with touch. But it’s not like I care about the flirting part. No. It was unprofessional and so easily turned messy--that’s what my problem was.

Jesper sighs, stretching even more. I let him stretch his legs over me, too tired to push him off. I sigh, setting my chin on his bent knees. “What’s with the face, l/n?” 

I roll my eyes again. Sometimes having someone care about you is annoying. I take back all of my positive thoughts about him--Jesper Fahey is an annoying drunk. 

“There’s no face,” despite my words, I feel my expression sour even further. Jesper’s expression shifts from that of gentle worry to teasing pride. “And if there was one, it wouldn’t be because of Kaz Brekker.”

Jesper’s lips twitch upwards, something strange tainting his tipsy grin. “I never said a name.” 

“One more condescending comment, and I’m shoving you off this damn couch.” 

He laughs flatly, shifting closer and making himself more comfortable. Drunk and touchy--anyone else would have been slapped by now. “You’re nicer after some of this.” 

He holds his glass out towards me casually, amber liquid sloshing slightly. I blink at the liquid with slight disinterest. I’m not exactly in the drinking mood...but I’m not exactly in the mood for any of this. The sound of the door opening doesn’t phase me--it’s not Inej, because she never lets herself be heard. Kaz doesn’t say anything, taking one dull step and then another, footsteps leaching the room of any warmth. The coldness he exudes so easily as a mask is strong tonight, I haven’t even looked at him and I can feel it. 

Maybe I do need a drink. 

I take the glass from Jesper, taking a quick and shallow sip of the liquid. It’s offensive in smell, taste, and the way it spills down my throat. The taste is much more intense than expected, some of the liquid slips past the corner of my mouth. Somehow more bitter than this moment, the liquid leaves me ready to splutter like a child. I exhale, pushing through the burning. Jesper moves his hand forward absentmindedly, wiping a single drop of liquid from my chin carelessly. The gesture would be sweet if my throat burned less. 

“Jesper,” the warmth of the alcohol takes root in my chest, “That’s--” He laughs at my reaction, coaxing a smile from me. “Like literally the worst--why do you even have this?” If this is served in the Crow Club, I’ve never heard of it, this is the kind of under the counter alcohol that isn’t mass produced. 

He laughs a little more freely. “Won it off of someone passing through--I don’t always lose.” 

I wrinkle my nose, “An outlier shouldn’t be--” 

“Oh, shut up.” Jesper laughs again. 

“Both of you ‘shut up’,” Kaz sighs, stepping further into the room, “If you need to drink, at least wait until after my meeting.” I frown, ignoring Kaz’s lingering and sharp gaze, “You should all follow Inej’s example.” 

“We can’t even see Inej.” 

Kaz raises an eyebrow, but he regards me with nothing but voidness. He’s never exactly emotive, but normally in moments like this something I can never interpret touches his expression, coloring it human. “Exactly.” 

“You’re funnier than people give you credit for.” The comment isn’t exactly sarcastic, but it’s something lighter than I should be offering. It’s an attempt at peace, the slight stiffness between us is starting to bother me. Our usual dynamic isn’t exactly friendly, but it’s more than this. Kaz glares. “But not tonight.” 

His expression hardens. “Business is business. It’s not humor, it’s not whatever you try to make it.” Right. Just like it was business when that girl spent more time hitting on him than actually revealing real information. The thought leaves my expression tight as I swallow back my instinctual words. “It’s not whatever you’re currently doing.” 

It takes me longer than it should to realize he’s referring to the position Jesper and I are in. Can he relax? It’s not my fault Jesper is tipsy and touchy. 

“Kaz,” Inej’s voice is soft yet determined as she emerges from the shadows. It’s a miracle the way she’s nothing more than a shadow until she chooses not to be. “What’s our next job?” 

Prompting Kaz in order to prevent a fight--Inej, always the closest thing to a mom available. I give her a partial smile, glad that she’s wedging herself between us and the tension, preventing conflict I’m too tired to follow through on.

“A merchant’s house,” he begins slowly, “We’ll be searching a merchant’s house but I’m seeking evidence more than property.” Jesper swings his legs off the couch with no warning. My head falls. I glare at Jesper who offers me a slightly apologetic tsk before dropping his head on my shoulder. Kaz must note the exchange because something in his expression tightens. He’s extra irritable today. “I’ll disclose more tomorrow,” he sighs once, already turning away, “Most of you are beyond listening tonight anyways.” 

He’s at the door before I can tell him that I’m not drunk. The door opens and closes, but Kaz’s heaviness lingers like led. I frown, letting my head fall to the side, resting on Jesper’s.

“He’s weird today,” I mumble, unsure if I want a reply. 

“He’s always like that,” Jesper breathes, “You’re losing your novelty, y/n--he always learns to harden himself against anything bright.” 

The words leave me even more tired. “I don’t think I’m particularly bright.” 

“Kaz does,” Inej replies, “And it has nothing to do with ‘novelty’, Jesper’s just cynical when he drinks.” I don’t know if I believe her, but I like knowing that Inej thinks that. “And Kaz can’t harden himself against you, and he hates that.” 

I press my lips together, straightening my spine. “I’m not that great, and whatever Kaz does or doesn’t harden himself against doesn’t affect me at all.” My nails press into the plush seat. “I don’t even know why we’re talking about this because whatever he does or doesn’t feel doesn’t matter to me.” I force myself up, doing all I can to seem perfectly calm. “All I care about is going to bed.”

Turning my head, I start to approach the door. Kaz has been strangely cold all night, and while I’m used to his moods, he hasn’t exactly directed them at me so fully since the day he caught me waiting for him to wake up after he almost died. If he wants to go back to how it used to be, then it can. Maybe I’ll care in the morning, when the growing weight of my eyelids is no longer a distraction.

“Sometimes the two of you confuse me,” Inej begins, “And sometimes I see you try to deal with emotion and I see the common ground.” 

The words leave me cold. I don’t think being compared to Kaz is an insult, not when there’s so much it could mean. He’s much more complex than he wants to be. There is goodness within him, gilding the parts of him that are more shards than anything else.  

I exhale, refusing to turn. Inej is too observant for her own good. “There is no emotion.” 

“I’m not going to waste my time arguing over that because I know it’s a waste of time.” She pauses and I consider turning around in hopes of reading something less honest from her expression. “I’m just telling you as a friend that one of you needs to be mature and talk to the other tonight before the tension gets worse and that it’s not going to be him.” 

She’s right. I exhale, “Do you think I should let him go?” Even just saying that leaves my heart aching. I know instantly that that’s not what I want, but it might be what he wants--it might be the best option. I might have the strength to let him go if I work at it. “I don’t--that’s not what I want and I’m not sure I could, but maybe that’s selfish of me.” 

“Y/n.” I turn slowly, but I purposefully avoid her gaze, keeping my head down. “I know that I’ve known Kaz longer than you, and I know that when he’s getting along with you he’s,” she trails off, uncertain, “More him, in a good way.” 

My heart swells, and with that comes feelings of panic. I never wanted to change him--to make him better or worse or anything; all I’ve ever wanted is to know him and to maybe help him with his burden. And to hear that maybe I’ve done that from someone so close to him--someone so observant and aware. That’s everything. And that terrifies me. Nothing good can last; nothing that seems to be all you could ever want actually is. I know that from life before the Crows, before I ran away from the castle I called home.

“I think he does the same for you.” I’ve never really thought about Kaz’s effect on me outside of the fact that he makes me feel warm in small moments and painfully seen in large ones. 

I smile because she’s trying and she’s given me something. “I’d say I’d tell you when I make my decision, but something tells me you’ll know.” 

She nods, expression shifting to something kind. “Goodnight, y/n.” 

Jesper stretches out on the couch, settling himself comfortably, “Night, y/n.”

“Goodnight, guys.” I disappear past the door easily, heading towards my room.

I haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to look for Kaz tonight. How much damage could be done in one night? Maybe he needs space. Maybe seeking him out now will make things worse. I exhale, opening the door to my room easily. I’ll decide before going to sleep.

When I step into the room, everything is in place. Everything is fine--but something about it feels off. The light is on. I didn’t leave the light on. Nothing else raises any red flags, so I continue into the room calmly, examining everything carefully. Nothing feels out of place as I further enter the room. I take in my bed, my dresser, and lastly my nightstand. 

My heart swells all over again, but this time it feels even heavier than before. On the center of my nightstand, in perfect condition, is a copy of Pride and Prejudice. The same book I told Kaz about, the one thing besides clothing I took from the palace. I told him it was my mother’s favorite and then he asked me to read it to him. 

I can’t picture him seeing this and thinking of me. I can’t picture him thinking of me--but no one else knew about my attachment to the book. I need to find him. I need to--to see him, to speak to him. To look him in the eye and see something I only ever see when we’re alone. Maybe he won’t have that look this time, but that’s okay. 

I can’t expect to always understand him, but that does not mean I don’t know him. 

The thought leaves me feeling a little more settled within the boundaries of my skin, but I don’t ease entirely. The good is more frightening than the bad. My fear of happiness is a benign secret I haven’t had to worry about in years. I don’t know enough about it to know how to deal with it let alone mention it to Kaz. Not that it’s his problem. 

I squeeze the book to my stomach. Swallowing pride is a difficult thing, but I’m used to it with him. It’s usually worth it with Kaz because sometimes when I try he tries in his own way. I should find him. He’s not awfully creative about where he goes when he wants to be alone because people know better than to bother him. Kaz is probably in his attic or getting air outside or…

The lights were on when I came in. I’m an idiot. I didn’t feel weird when I walked into the room because of the book. Someone’s in here. He’s in here. 

Setting the book down like I should have never touched it, I let out a sigh. “Lurking is unbecoming.” 

“It’s also unbecoming to work for me and be so easily distracted by a book.” His voice reveals nothing as he emerges from the shadows. “I could have killed you with how long it took for you to notice my presence.” He pauses, eyebrows drawing together. “The light was on.” 

Normally I’d have some kind of comment, some kind of joke that offers a more peaceful situation. “I know.” It’s a flat response. “I think on some subconscious level I knew,” I drop my gaze away from him, “I knew I was okay.” That sounds dumb. “I mean...I think I knew it was you so I knew I was okay.” Yeah, that wasn’t anymore eloquent. “That doesn’t make sense, but if you get to be confusing, I do too.”

“Confusing? There’s nothing to understand.” Curt. Simple. Dismissive. 

I frown. ‘Nothing to understand’. Right, because there’s nothing confusing about how quickly he decided to dismiss me just to bring me some obscenely sentimental gift. “If you’re mad at me, you should at least tell me why.” I press my lips together. “At least that way I’ll know if I need to apologize or kick your ass.” 

At that, he presses his lips together, corner of his mouth threatening to tilt upwards. “You would kick my ass?”

Great, even when he’s easing he has to be annoying. “I could.” There is no universe in which I could take him in a physical fight. “On a good day.” I let out a breath, doing all I can to not focus on his expression. Awkwardness settles in my chest as my eyes land on my bed. I sit down, trying not to let my shoulders slump tiredly as I stretch my legs across my bed. “You’re not having a good day.” 

“My day is fine, I’m just not naively cheerful like you,” his words turn sharp, “Or Jesper.” 

Weird addition. “Jesper’s not cheerful, he’s just drunk.” I let go of the ‘naive’ part, deciding to focus on the bigger picture. “And I’m not as naive or joyful as you think I am.” I’m not sure if I mean that as a rebuttal or just a fact. “I have bad days too.” This isn’t the kind of conversation I should have while this tired. “I could be less cheerful if you’d like.” 

He’s so silent I momentarily wonder if he’s left. “No.” It’s not much, but I take it. Straightening my back, I pull my legs beneath me, intentionally creating space. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Ah, blatant rejection. It would sting if I was less in the right. “Maybe you’ll be less weird then.” 

“I am not being weird.” At least I’m getting some kind of reaction from him. “You’re the one who--” 

“Who what?” Finally--progress. 

Kaz sighs, turning slightly. “You’re the one who decided to ignore me after we met with the contact.” I part my lips, ready to retort, but no words come. He did pick up on my slight annoyance, and he reciprocated it in a much larger way. 

He can never know that this all came from some ridiculous, territorial--partial jealousy. “I didn’t mean to ignore you,” partial lie, “I’m just kind of in a weird place today, I’m tired.” 

“Not too tired for Jesper, it seems.” 

What? Is that what this is about? “What? All I did was sit there--he’s a touchy drunk and I just happened to be next to him.” 

“You laugh with him,” he says this blankly, “You can touch him.” 

The edge of unsafe territory cuts into me at an odd angle. Is this about him? Is he really tormenting himself over something so asinine to me when it comes to him? I’d rather have him than all the physical touch in the world. The book on the nightstand feels closer to me, growing by the prospect of its significance alone. That gesture, that’s more intimate than anything Jesper and I did downstairs. 

“So?” I straighten my back slightly. “It doesn’t mean anything.” 

He presses his lips together. “That’s the problem--anyone can manage meaningless contact…” The silence is louder than the words that came before it. Oh. I guess I’m not the only one who gets just a little jealous in an unwarranted way. “What if you were hurt? What if you were hurt and we were alone and you needed someone to help you and I couldn’t?” He lets out a sigh, a sound too tired for me to associate with him. “You say you don’t care now, but you’ll grow tired of it--the only life I can offer.” 

Inej’s words about the similarities between Kaz and I echo in my mind. “Sometimes I don’t like when things are going well because I don’t know how to be truly content, fully happy.” Saying this twists my stomach. “I don’t know how to trust good things, so whenever there are good things I think about all the ways I could ruin something and then I do.” I take a breath. “I’m not saying that things are particularly good for you or that you’re happy, but I am saying that maybe you shouldn’t think three steps ahead when there’s nothing to think ahead about.” I regard his expression carefully, but nothing has changed. “I told you the only thing I want is to know you, and that’s not going to change.”

“Y/n,” his voice is low, “I am not rain--I can’t promise you anything.” 

I scratch my knee, dropping my gaze. “For once I don’t want rain.” 

Kaz sighs. “Get some sleep.” Something about the way he’s speaking is authoritative but it lacks any weight. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

I frown freely, “Kaz--” 

“You look tired,” he mumbles, “You need rest.” He’s using this as an excuse to escape his feelings, but he’s already given me more than I expected. Greed ruins things, but then again, so does selflessness. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“For the job?”

Something strange crosses his features as his expression teeters on shifting. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he repeats, a little more certain.

The response doesn’t satiate me. “Kaz--” 

“I may not be the rain, but I’m capable of making promises as well.” There’s something final about the way he says this, but it doesn’t feel cruel. 

Maybe I’d protest if my eyelids were less weighted. “Goodnight, Kaz.” 

My head falls against the pillow. I’m not sure if he replies, too lost in the drawl of sleep before he can even close the door. 

--

General taglist: @theincredibledeadlyviper, @grishaverse7 @benbarnes-supremacy  @tranquilitymoon @kaitlyn2907 @lunamyangel @christinawxxx @deceivedeer @real-mbappe @tonks33

[triptuckers]

Revenge - Kaz Brekker

Request: yes :) “seeing as your requests are open, i thought i might as well pitch you an idea too, since i'm here... how about a little bit of a twist on the usual hurt/comfort, angst, etc with kaz? like... instead of getting hurt because of him, he's the one who gets hurt because of the reader? maybe she joined the dregs, running away from her past. but then someone wanting revenge finds her, sees how much she cares for kaz, and decides to get back at her by going after him... idk where exactly i'm going with this, it's just an idea, the details i leave up to you :))” Pairing: Kaz Brekker x reader Summary:  You thought you’d be safe from the people in your past once you got to Ketterdam, but you couldn’t have been more wrong Warnings: mentions of blood, injuries, bruising, death, language, angst Word count:  2.4K A/N: to the one who send me this request: your lil message made me feel so happy & loved, I am so glad you appreciate my work <3 sending you lots of hugs! thanks for requesting this, enjoy reading! :)

You’re standing on one of the docks. You’ve got your coat wrapped tightly around you to protect yourself from the cold wind. It’s dark outside, and most of Ketterdam is deserted, its residents retired to the comfort of their warm houses.

You like to come to the docks and look out over the sea. It calms you. The sound of the waves, the salty air, it all reminds you of your past, and you go to the docks to tell yourself you don’t ever have to go back if you don’t want to.

It’s not that you hated your entire past, just parts of it. For a while, you were actually quite happy. Sailing the seas, laughing along with your crew, and taking what you wanted from rich politicians who dared to cross your waters. 

It was fine for a while, only taking from those who already had too much. It didn’t bother you. But then your captain started to take from everyone and everything, and using more violence. You were hesitant, but didn’t say much. Even though your crew was basically your family, they could easily toss you in the sea. But then your captain started to take people as well, not just things. He forced them to work on his ship, and you knew it was wrong.

When you spoke up about it, they turned on you, threatening you. You were to work with the prisoners, and it was horrible. So, when you saw the opportunity, you jumped ship, along with a few prisoners. The sea was cold, and you swam for nearly three days, when a ship picked you up. It was headed to Kerch. When you set foot on the Ketterdam docks, you vowed to never sail again. You parted ways with the people that had been taken prisoner, and joined the Dregs soon after.

Part of you is still scared your captain or someone else of your old crew finds you, and gets their revenge on you. But since joining the Dregs, you’ve improved your fighting and survival skills, and the other members of the Dregs have your back. 

When the wind is almost too cold, and the sky is pitch black, you decide to head back to the Slat. You liked staying on the docks, but it wasn’t wise to stay out on the streets of Ketterdam for too long, especially when it was dark.

After one last look at the sea, you turn and start walking back to the Slat. Your hand is on one of your revolvers as you walk, eyes open and ears focused on any sounds you hear. You had been jumped before, and knew it wouldn’t be the last time it would happen.

You keep your head down as you’re walking, but then you notice a figure in the distance. You slow down and take another look at the person ahead of you. You can see they’re limping, and realise they must be hurt. Instantly, you’re on edge, in case their attacker is still close.

You pick up the pace again, looking at the person in front of you as you approach them. The closer you get, the more familiar they seem. And then you’re close enough to recognise a cane.

Normally, you’d tell yourself it probably wouldn’t be Kaz. Lately, every figure or silhouette looked like Kaz to you. But it was unmistakably Kaz’ cane, and you knew he would never allow anyone to take it from him.

‘Kaz!’ you say and you sprint the last bit to get to him. When you get to him, your jaw drops when you see him. He’s got several stab wounds on his upper body, and his face is bruised and bloody.

‘What are you doing here?' says Kaz as soon as he notices it’s you. ‘It’s not safe here.’ he grumbles.

‘It’s Ketterdam at night. Of course it’s not safe.’ you say, letting your eyes roam over his body, looking at his injuries.

‘It’s not safe for you.’ says Kaz, wincing as he presses a hand to one of his wounds to apply pressure to it.

‘What does that mean?’ you say, frowning.

‘Your former captain says hi.’ says Kaz.

Your eyes widen at his words and your breath catches in your throat. Had he found you? Did he somehow manage to track you all the way to Ketterdam? 

‘He did this to you?’ you say. Kaz nods.

‘Saints, Kaz, I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. He blames me for freeing some of the prisoners. Rightfully, though. I’d already figured he’d send someone after me if he learned I was in Ketterdam. I never would have thought he’d send someone after you.’ you say.

You look at his beaten up body again. Somehow, he still managed to look good. His suit is dusty and bloody, but it still fit his body perfectly. His hair is messy and there’s sweat on his forehead, but you don’t mind.

‘I’m sorry, Kaz.’ you say. ‘This is all my fault.’

You want to move closer to him to help him, but you know he’d never allow you to. So you keep your distance. 

Kaz doesn’t respond to you, instead he moves to continue walking. It results into him nearly falling to the floor. You have to hold yourself back not to catch him. Kaz clutches his cane to prevent his body from hitting the floor.

‘We have to get you back to the Slat.’ you say, still keeping your distance. The last thing you want to do is trigger something in him when you’re the one that got him hurt in the first place.

Kaz pushes himself up with his cane, groaning as he straightens his back.

‘Can you walk?’ you ask him.

‘I can manage.’ he says through gritted teeth. But he takes two steps and almost falls down again. You clench your fists to prevent yourself from reaching out to him. You can’t handle that he’s hurt and you can’t even help him to walk.

‘Y/N.’ he says. His voice his softer than usual, and it catches you off guard. ‘You need to help me walk.’ he says.

‘Kaz, I don’t want to-’ ‘I want you to. I need you to.’

You slowly walk up to him. He looks you in your eyes and gives you a single nod, silently giving you permission.

‘I don’t know Kaz.’ you say. ‘It feels wrong, touching you.’

‘Y/N, the longer we’re out here, the longer we are in danger and the more risk of me bleeding to death on the streets, is that something you want?’ snaps Kaz.

‘No, of course not!’ you say.

‘Then come here.’ he says and with one swift movement, he pulls you closer and swings one of his arms over your shoulder.

‘If at any point you want to stop, I get it.’ you say, a bit flustered now that you’re so close to him.

‘Y/N just get me to the damn Slat.’ says Kaz. ‘But could you just... Tell what you’re going to do while you’re doing it? Makes it easier.’

‘Of course.’ you say. ‘I'm going to put my hand around your waist, and grab your hand with the other, okay?’

You see him clench his jaw as he nods. You slowly move to wrap your arm around his waist. You then wait a few seconds before grabbing ahold of his gloved hand that’s on your shoulder.

‘Alright.’ you say. ‘Ready?’ 

Kaz nods and you start to walk toward the Slat.

The journey is slow, and you try your best to keep Kaz talking and conscious. But he’s losing a lot of blood, leaving a trail of red drops behind on the street.

When you finally get to the Slat and push its door open, it’s crowded. A lot of heads turn your way as you scan the crowd for Nina. When you spot her, you see her eyes have widened as she looks at Kaz. You signal for her to follow you and you start to walk up the stairs to Kaz’ floor. 

When you finally get there, you walk to his room and lay him down on the bed. 

‘What happened?’ says Nina as she enters the room.

‘Someone of my past got to Kaz.’ you mumble, struggling to meet Kaz’ eyes. ‘Roughed him up pretty bad.’

Nina moves to see to his internal wounds and you can see Kaz keeps his jaw clenched at the close proximity to another person. When she’s done, he moves to sit up.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ you say.

‘Business.’ groans Kaz and you raise your eyebrows at him.

‘Kaz Brekker, I did not drag your ass all the way from the docks to the Slat, only for you to resume working instead of resting.’ you say.

‘I'm fine.’

‘You almost bled to death in the streets!’ you say. ‘Half your body is covered in wounds and Nina’s only healed the internal ones.’

‘I can manage.’

‘Like hell you can.’ you say. ‘I'll take over the Dregs for a while. And as for you, let someone see to your wounds. And honestly, would it kill you to take a nap every now and then?’

‘I can see to my own wounds.’

You groan and throw your hands up out of frustration. ‘Fine!’ you say. ‘Go bandage those wounds all by yourself, I'm not helping!’

Nina steps closer to you ‘I can-’ ‘And Nina’s not going to help you either!’ you say. ‘If you want to be stubborn and suffer, be my guest!’

You leave his room and move to sit by the window of his office instead. A while later Nina leaves the room, telling you Kaz has started to fix himself up. 

You stay in his office, trying to get your anger to go away. You close your eyes and imagine the sea, taking deep breaths. You can almost taste the salty air and feel the cold wind on your skin. You’ve done a pretty good job at calming yourself down, when you hear Kaz’ voice coming from his room.

‘Y/N?’ he says.

You open your eyes, walk up to his room and pause in the doorway. He’s sitting up on the bed. He’d taken his shirt off and put bandages around his chest. The cuts and bruises on his arms and face aren’t treated yet.

You always thought of Kaz as this indestructible man, who led a gang, and is considered one of the most dangerous criminals and most talented thieves in all of Ketterdam. But when he’s sitting on the bed, bruised and bloody, shoulders slumped and tired eyes, you see him for who he truly is: a boy who’s been hurt too many times before and needs help.

He holds out the bandages and wet cloth he used to clean his wounds. 

‘Could you...?’ he asks.

You notice he’s not meeting your eyes and realise how hard it must have been to admit he needs your help.

You nod and walk over to him. You take the bandages and the cloth from his hands without touching his skin, and drag out a chair so you can sit in front of him. You glance at the gloves that rest on the bed next to him. You put the bandages and cloth aside and grab the gloves.

‘What are you doing?’ says Kaz, looking at you as you put them on.

‘This way I can treat your wounds without having skin to skin contact.’ you say. ‘Maybe that makes it easier.’ 

Kaz looks at you and smiles.

‘You’re so tired you can’t even fight off your own muscles?’ you ask. ‘I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I've seen you smile.’

‘I smile more than you think.’ says Kaz.

‘hmm.’ you hum. ‘Sure.’ you say as you move to start cleaning his wounds.

You try your best to talk to him and distract him while you clean and bandage his wounds.

‘Why would your former captain go after me and not you?’ he wonders out loud after a while.

‘Because when you want to hurt someone, you don’t hurt them, you hurt the ones they care most about.’ you simply state.

Kaz is surprised. ‘You care about me?’

‘Of course I do. I never tried to hide that.’ you say. 

You continue to clean his wounds, unaware of Kaz looking at your face instead of your hands.

‘You really scared me, Kaz. I thought you were going to die.’ you mumble.

‘It takes more than a knife and one angry man to kill me.’ he says.

‘He tried really hard though.’ you mumble as you continue to clean and bandage his wounds.

‘But he didn’t succeed.’ says Kaz. ‘If it weren’t for you, he would have. You got me back to the Slat and got Nina to fix me up.’

‘After I basically forced you to.’ you say.

‘If you hadn’t, I would have done it all by myself. Who knows how that would have worked out.’ says Kaz.

‘I'm guessing not that good.’ you say, earning a small chuckle from him. 

You continue talking to him and treating his wounds. When you’re finished, you get up and gather the mess. You walk to the other side of the room to throw it in the bin, and then walk back to where Kaz is still sitting on the bed.

‘I know you don’t like this, but please try to get some rest.’ you say. ‘The Dregs can manage a week or so without you.’

Kaz nods and moves to lay down on his bed. You walk toward the door, but his voice stops you.

‘Y/N.’ he says, making you look over your shoulder at him. ‘Thank you.’

‘Of course.’ you say, smiling briefly. ‘And sorry, again. For getting beaten up because of me.’

‘A good beating every now and then never hurt anyone. Builds character.’ says Kaz.

‘Are you sure your brain didn’t get messed up?’ you say. ‘You’re talking nonsense.’

‘I’m merely stating facts. Now I've got another grudge to hold.’ says Kaz. ‘Now go so I can get some rest.’

You smile once more before leaving his room, shutting the door behind you. You had loved your life on the sea before it took a turn. But you’d gladly do it all over again if it meant you would find your way to Kaz.

You look down at your hands and notice you’re still wearing his gloves. You take them off and place them on his desk. After a while of looking at them, you head downstairs to tell the others what happened. 

A/N:  If you want to request something, make sure to read my house rules Here’s the list of characters I write for. Everything that I have written can be found on my masterlist. Please don’t repost my work, as I spend much time and effort on it!!  Thank you for reading!  Much love,  Marit

[crowsmybeloveds]

Shadow and Bone Series: Chapter Six

Bag of Bones

Pairing: Jesper Fahey x Reader

Summary: Y/N opens up more to Jesper about her past with Pekka Rollins, which has some unforeseen consequences.

Word Count: 5.7k

Warnings: Past (physical, emotional, sexual) abuse; Drug use; canon typical violence; roofies; Pekka Rollins; the Menagerie

A/N: dear lord there is so much going on in this one idk where to start... but thank you guys again for reading ❤️❤️❤️ also I think there’s one more chapter before the rewrite but don’t quote me on that

Masterlist

When Y/N and Inej arrived at the Slat (after getting muffins, of course), Kaz was there waiting.

“It went well, I suppose?” Kaz looked at them expectantly.

Inej spoke up quickly, “You didn’t tell me she was going to kill him, Kaz.”

Kaz made eye contact with her, and spoke to Y/N. “So, you did it?”

“Of course,” Y/N replied, “I left the other alive. He’ll make sure the message is sent.”

“Good,” Kaz nodded, before pointing upstairs, “Go find Jesper, he’s been annoying me all evening about when you might come back.”

Y/N said no more, going up the stairs to Jesper’s room. When she reached the door, she could feel the nervous energy coming from inside. His light was on, and she could hear a light tapping sound. She knocked on the door.

“Jesper?” She called as she cracked the door open. He was sitting on his cot, anxiously bouncing his foot and fiddling with his pearl-handled revolvers.

He looked up at her, noticeably relaxing when he realized she was okay. He got up and walked over to her, his hands on her shoulders, giving her a once over. He noticed blood on her face, arms, and the back of her head from her brief fight with the man she had left unconscious.

“Oh, darling, what did they do to you?” His voice was sad, worried.

“You should see the other guy,” She joked, a desperate attempt to make him smile. It didn’t work.

“Kaz said you shouldn’t get hurt on this job,” he shook his head. “And it would be ridiculous to worry.”

Y/N shrugged. “I went in too early. It’s my fault.”

“Why would you do that?”

She bit her tongue. Because that man said he took pleasure in conning you, so I took pleasure in killing him. “Rookie mistake, I guess.”

“Okay,” he responded, nodding his head excessively, trying to think through what to do next. Suddenly, he pushed her toward his cot and then moved toward the door. “Um, you sit your pretty self here, and I’m going to go get some bandages.”

Y/N frowned. “You don’t have to —“

He narrowed his eyes on her. “Don’t fight me on this. Stay there.” He brought two fingers to his eyes to make an ‘I’m watching you’ signal, and then he was out the door.

When he came back, he had a few bottles and enough bandages to fix up every member of the Dregs.

“I never took you for a medik, country boy.” She laughed as he sat down next to her.

He shook his head with a small smile. I’d be anything you needed me to be, Y/N. “Let me see your arm.” He lifted up her hand so he could see the back of her upper arm, which was bloody and red. “Saints, what happened?”

“Oh, I killed one of them, as you do,” She took a large breath. His worried eyes and gentle touch made the air heavy enough that she felt like gasping. “And the other one got mad. Pushed me into a brick wall.”

He looked back at her face, jaw clenching. His seriousness made her nervous. Normally, he had a joke even in situations that really didn’t call for one. Now he was way too serious for the situation at hand. What was going on?

He was trying to clear his thoughts, but it was difficult. Even the slightest injury on her made him want to go ballistic, even if she had proved that she could handle herself. Jesper had always loved risk and danger, but he never wanted it to involve her.

Y/N noticed, and it made guilt fill her stomach. She could practically see his mind spinning at a mile a minute, and not in the way it normally did. Normally, the two would be sending jokes back and forth at record speed, now it was still and silent. Both of them felt uneasy and tense.

“Hey,” she placed her hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at her, “I’m okay. Relax.”

He nodded, turning back to her arm and picking up a bottle. “Right. I know. I just don’t like this.” He covered a rag in the liquid and moved it toward her arm. “This is going to sting.”

She hissed as he placed it on the wound. He worked quickly, bandaging her arm and moving to work on the back of her head. This one hurt much more, and tears sprung in her eyes as he worked. He was pulling a piece of rubble from the bricks out of her hair when he heard her whimper.

He flinched at the sound, placing a kiss to the top of her head. “Sorry, petal. I have to keep going.”

He finished with her hair and moved to clean the blood off of her face. They both knew that she could handle doing so on her own, but they didn’t say anything. She got lost in his gray eyes as he worked, and he looked more focused than he ever had in the time she knew him.

When he finished he sat down next to her on the cot, taking a deep breath. “Done.”

She noticed his hands twitching again and placed her hand in his, letting him play with her fingers to relieve his anxiety. He rested his head against the wall, closing his eyes as he breathed heavily, trying to regain his normal pattern. Y/N frowned at him, concerned.

“I’m sorry I made you so worried, Jes.”

“It’s not your fault,” He replied, sighing. “It just makes me nervous when you have to use your Grisha abilities in public. I know it’s dangerous for us out there.”

Her eyebrows furrowed. “Us?”

“Forget it.”

“No, Jesper, why aren’t you safe? What’s wrong?” Y/N sat up straighter, panicking.

Jesper swallowed. As much as he knew he should lie, he didn’t want to. He trusted her.

But he was worried about how she would react. He knew she wouldn’t have any prejudice against Grisha, seeing as she was one, but his past was always telling him to be ashamed. In all honesty, his powers had always terrified him, ever since he’d been told not to use them. It wasn’t just the strength that he carried when compared to his father, it was the idea that he should be doing something different, or be someone different. Maybe he was meant to be a soldier, like so many of the Grisha around him. What was he doing there, then? Disappointing people and playing card games? He had been hiding his powers from most of the people he knew for so long. Why say something now?

Despite all his anxieties, he told her. “I’m Grisha.”

Y/N’s eyes widened. “No.”

He looked back at her. “Yes.”

She sat up straight and smiled. “No way!” She shoved him playfully. “What kind?”

“A Durast.” He replied, feeling less anxious.

“Saints, we are both Fabrikators!” Y/N grabbed him by his shoulders. “That’s sick!”

He smiled back at her, but it was a small one. Even if she approved of him, it didn’t mean she should. He wanted to say that he was like her, able to use his powers despite not going to the Little Palace. Instead, he was just a confused boy who could barely bend a piece of metal.

“I’m not,” He shook his head, thinking, “I can’t really do much of anything.”

“That’s okay. I didn’t really want to learn either.” She told him, leaning forward to force him to look in her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“My dad didn’t want me using my powers,” Jesper spoke, feeling as if his throat was closing in. “My mom, um, she— my mom was,” He couldn’t get the words out and tears were filling his eyes.

“You don’t have to, I get it.” She interrupted, realizing it was a tough topic for him to talk about.

They sat back against the wall, Y/N holding onto Jespers arm and leaning her head on his shoulder. He thought she was too focused on playing with his rings to see the way he was looking down at her. His being a Grisha was something that had messed with him his whole life, but she had been able to calm him down about it in less than thirty minutes. It is getting harder every minute to keep myself from loving her.

Y/N was trying not to focus on the crush that she had on him. She still hadn’t forgotten the date he had gone on not long ago. She didn’t think that he wanted her. He had no reason to. So, she messed around with his rings, pretending she was more interested in the gems on them than the fact that she could feel his eyes on her. Eventually it stopped working, and it became overwhelming.

She sat up quickly and he held himself back from cringing at the loss. “What if we went and got some food, country boy?”

“It’s the middle of the night.”

“And?”

Saints, I fucking love her. “They have really good sandwiches at this one place in Little Ravka.”

“Perfect.”

An hour later they sat at a small metal table outside a restaurant in Little Ravka, watching the small boats go through the canal.

“Ok, love, how’s the sandwich?” Jesper asked, taking a sip of his drink.

“It’s really good.”

“Just really good, huh?” He teased. “Not the best sandwich you’ve ever had?”

She shook her head. “No, it is.”

“Liar.”

She looked up at him, rolling her eyes. “It’s good, Jesper. An amazing recommendation! You are truly the best sandwich connoisseur in all of Kerch! Need I praise you further?”

“Maybe just one more?” He smirked, picking his sandwich up again.

“Fuck off.”

They continued to joke as they ate their sandwiches. The anxiety of the night finally started to shed off of them as they enjoyed their meals. It was moments like these where they both felt so content with each other’s presence that their minds couldn’t find a way to ruin it. There wasn’t any dread or feeling that one wasn’t good enough for the other. Just longing glances and stupid jokes. A pair of crushing idiots.

As they walked along the canal on their route home, the sun was rising, and Jesper found himself more focused on the light reflecting on Y/N’s hair than the conversation they were having.

“...I wanted to be one so much.” She sighed, looking at the water. “It would be so much cooler to drown people to death than to drug them. Maybe that’s just me.”

Jesper tried to put together a response from the bits and pieces of her story that he had caught. “I can’t see you as a Tidemaker, although I’d imagine you’d still be your gorgeous self.”

She looked away to make sure he didn’t see the flustered look on her face from his flirting. Saints, does he ever stop? “Or, and I know it’s childish, but I bet, if I was a Squaller, I could figure out how to fly.”

He laughed. “I don’t think anyone has.”

“Well, I’m not just anyone.” She replied with a fake tone of anger in her voice.

His eyes lingered on her face. “No, I suppose you’re not.”

She tried to pretend she didn’t notice, but his flirting was becoming unbearable. How was this the same man who abandoned her for a date less than a week ago?

“Could you imagine if I could fly, though?” She tried to distract herself from her anxiety over him by ranting, as she usually did. “I could get such a good view of everything, and I’m sure Kaz would find a use for it. I could go anywhere, no fees or anything. Who is going to put a toll on the sky?”

Jesper smiled at her. He loved the way she looked when she ranted about something she was passionate about, even if they both knew it was stupid. He didn’t really care. He just wanted her to be happy. Saints, there was a heavy gold music machine in the Slat to prove it.

She kept going, pointing up at the sky to a bird overhead. “I’d be like a bird, just how they always called me.”

Y/N hadn’t meant to dampen the mood with what she had said, but Jesper stiffened at her words anyway. She had been referring to the men at the Emerald Palace. Specifically, Pekka Rollins, who called her a canary. Jesper remembered his words when Inej had first told him about the title. Of course Pekka would give her a creepy nickname. At the time, it had seemed like a joke. Now, seeing how every single aspect of that place had affected her in one way or the other made him feel sick to his stomach. He’d sell his revolvers and never play a hand of cards again if it meant he could go back in time and save her from her past.

“Why did he call you that?” He blurted, not even thinking.

She tilted her head. “Canary?”

A silence washed over them. Panic raised in Jesper’s throat like bile. “I shouldn’t have asked you that. You don’t have to tell me. I’m sorry.”

She shushed him. “No, no. It’s fine. It was weird.” She gulped and grabbed his hand, fiddling with his rings as they walked. “Warrants a question or two I think.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, concern in his eyes.

She nodded. “He called me that because I was his song bird. He’d tell me what to do and say I’d repeat it without a second thought. He gave me a song and I sang it.” She sighed, looking out at the water, feeling nervous. It’s just Jesper. He’s not going to treat you any different. “It’s pathetic, but I thought it was like a pet name, you know? Like, he told me he loved me and I was fucking grasping for it. Embarrassing.”

She tried to play it off like it was a joke. One of those stories that was a little bit embarrassing but you knew you’d laugh about it in the future. They both had a habit of reducing things down into something from a comedy, even when it should be a tragedy. When it should be something that would land them in a mental institution for the rest of their days. But because they both used humor as a way to deflect, they saw through each other’s bullshit like it was a piece of glass.

He knew the things she spoke about were hurting her, but she didn’t want to seem like she was weak enough to still be fazed by it. But he was. Pekka told her he loved her. After everything he did to her, he turned around and told her it was love. I’m going to kill him.

He tried not to show his anger in his voice as he spoke up. “He told you he loved you?”

Y/N nodded. “All the time. I don’t believe it now, of course, but at the time it was kind of comforting.”

“What?” His eyes bored into her, holding on to every word she said.

She picked at her fingernails, realizing that she wasn’t going to be able to laugh this one off. The conversation was beginning to feel too vulnerable for her liking, but for the first time, she decided not to run from it. Jesper is there for me. He’s not going to tell anyone, he just wants to know because he cares. “It was comforting, to feel loved. Even if it was…” she took a deep, shaking breath. “...The way it was.”

They had started to turn from the harbor into the city, passing more and more gaudy stands and sinful institutions as they got closer and closer to home in the Barrel.

Jesper had gone silent at Y/N’s last words, and it was killing her. She had thought that he wouldn’t judge her, but maybe she was wrong. Maybe he was trying to figure out how to curse her out for being a whore, or helping the enemy. Maybe, he finally got the information he needed and now she was going to go back to her stark basement.

He hadn’t really been quiet for that long. Maybe a few seconds. But to her, it felt like hours. The sky was getting darker and she felt a familiar fear rise up in her stomach. The fear that she wasn’t keeping good company. The fear that she had trusted the wrong man. Again.

“That’s not,” Jesper breathed his words out, still not fully understanding how to form them. His hands twitched toward his revolvers, longing to shoot something. “That’s not okay, love.”

Her heart dropped. “Sorry?”

“You don’t deserve that.” He said, his voice firm. “That’s not what love is, petal.”

He was trying to help her, show her that he cared, but his tone of voice and the words he used made her cringe. It reminded her of men who loved her because of the things she didn’t know. Men who took a liking to her innocence like it was their favorite ice cream topping. Something that could be taken off, abused, manipulated, indulged in. She got angry at the thought of Jesper treating her the same way. Of course I know that’s not what love is. I’m not a child. “You’ve got to stop doing that.”

“What?”

“Acting like I’m weak all of the time.”

His brows furrowed. “I don’t —“

“Then what is this?” She stopped suddenly, moving into an empty alley and placing a hand on her forehead as she spoke, “The flirting, and the pet names, and the patching up the tiniest scratches like I’m something so precious.”

Jesper threw his hands up in the air. “You are!”

“Why can’t you accept that I am not the perfect girl you think I am, Jes?” Her voice cracked. Most of the anger was gone, replaced with desperation. “I have killed so many people. I have seduced men into ruining their own lives. I am so fucked that I thought I was in love with Pekka fucking Rollins. What about me is untainted? Why are you begging and screaming for me to be so pure when I am obviously not?”

“I don’t understand why this has you upset, dove.” He looked at her with pitiful eyes, reaching toward her.

She pushed his arm away. “You are grasping at my innocence like it is something you require of me. It’s suffocating.”

He still wasn’t sure where this argument stemmed from, but he knew it ran deeper than him. She had an inherent distrust of people ever since he had met her, and he knew her trust of him was too good to be true. It still made his chest hurt.

He tentatively moved to hold her face in his hands. She shuddered at first, but after a few seconds she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, grasping tightly onto his arms.

“I don’t need you to be anything, Y/N.” Jesper softly reassured her. “You’re already everything.”

She opened her eyes and looked into his, looking for some sign of deception or contempt. There was none to be found. His eyes held so much adoration she swore she could faint. She didn’t want this. She wanted more. “You said I don’t deserve whatever Pekka Rollins gave me.” She bit the inside of her cheek. “What do I deserve, then?”

She knew it was childish to ask. To try and force him to admit feelings that she wasn’t even sure he had. But she needed to know. Was he there out of obligation? Pity? Friendship? What was keeping him from leaving her there, and treating her like every other member of the Dregs? She needed the answer, even if it might hurt.

Jesper had always suffered from an excess of energy, but now he felt like he was reaching a boiling point. He wanted to kiss her and hold her and tell her that he wanted her more than anything in the entire world. But she deserved sunshine, candies, luxury, and everything sweet and good in the world. And all he could give her was the miserable life she was living now.

What do I deserve, then? Her words rang through his head and he struggled to contain himself. He took a deep breath, reeling himself in. He had known the answer to her question for a while. “Better, Y/N. You deserve better.”

She backed away, her disappointment rising to the surface. He doesn’t want you. You got the answer you wanted. “I appreciate it.”

She was gone before he could even register her leaving.

Jesper walked up the stairs of the Slat, thinking. His mind was at war with itself. That was your chance to be with her, fucking idiot! One side argued. The other half fought back. She doesn’t want me! Despite the divide there was one thought looming over all of the others. I want to kill Pekka Rollins.

He had been angry with the man ever since Inej had told him about Y/N in the alley months ago, but now it was a pure, hateful rage. She could barely express herself to anyone without feeling attacked and now he saw the reason why. She’d been taught that love was painful and difficult in ways unimaginable. Of course she was struggling to be happy. She had been lied to about everything she’d ever experienced, and everything she did felt wrong because of it.

He hadn’t realized where he was headed until he got there. He wasn’t at his bedroom, a coffee shop, or even a gambling den. He was outside of Kaz Brekker’s office. Would it be ridiculous to go in? To confide in Kaz Brekker? Jesper found that Kaz was his best friend, almost a brother, even if it was silly to look at the Bastard of the Barrel that way. He supposed that was one of the things that brought the crows together: having an attachment to one of the deadliest men they had ever met.

Whether it was stupid or not, Jesper knocked and then pushed himself into the room, itching to rant to Kaz about his conflicting night.

Nearby in Inej’s room, Y/N had flopped herself onto a small cot.

“So basically he doesn’t love me and I’m never going to be happy. The end!” Y/N had just finished recounting the night to her best friend, who sat there with wide eyes. She had kept out the part about her “love” with Pekka Rollins. She doubted she’d ever be able to talk about that with anyone again.

“He said you deserve better!” Inej tried to make her feel better. “Not that he doesn’t love you.”

“But he had the perfect opportunity to say he wanted me and he didn’t go for it.” Y/N put a pillow over her face, her tone whiny and childish.

“But that doesn’t mean —“

“Inej, let me wallow.” She took the pillow off her face, glaring jokingly at her friend. “I need it.”

Inej looked at her, concerned, but with a small amused smile on her face. “It seems like you have had a long night where you killed a man and then went out for muffins and then instead of sleeping you went out for sandwiches with your crush—“

Y/N sat up. “And then he was trying to be nice to me and I got defensive and lashed out at him and then tried to get him to confess his love for me that doesn’t exist.” She stared at the wall. “I know the whole story, Inej, it was like an hour ago.”

“What I’m trying to say is maybe you deserve a nap.”

“To hell with what I deserve!” Y/N sighed. “If I hear that word one more time tonight I could throw up. I mean it.”

“Fine, then you need a good nap.”

Y/N narrowed her eyes at Inej, then opted to ignore her. “And you know what the worst part is?”

Inej struggled to hold in a laugh. “No, enlighten me.”

“He is so attractive.” She placed her palms over her eyes, groaning. “Like, the whole gun thing? I can barely stand it.”

“You cannot be serious.”

“I am!” Y/N replied, shaking her head, eyebrows knitted in anxiety. “The other day I saw him shoot this guy on a horse perfectly right between the eyes, and it was foggy. I almost passed out.”

Inej tilted her head at her friend, now openly giggling, remembering a conversation she had with Jesper a few days prior.

Inej, I swear to all the Saints if she had knocked out one more of those guards I would have married her on the spot. He’d told her, eyes lovesick as they walked back from a job.

Why don’t you tell her that? Inej smiled at him, enjoying seeing her friend so happy about someone. But she saw a wave of anxiety wash over him at her words, and decided not to press further when he shook his head.

Now, she was practically having the same conversation with the girl in question. Inej smirked to herself, thinking. This is getting unbelievable.

Still, she couldn’t tell anyone about any crushes that she may or may not have known about. She responded to Y/N’s fawning. “What is it about you and being attracted to violence? Should I be concerned?”

“Are you being serious?” Y/N asked her, her smile growing and her eyes widening. When Inej shrugged, she continued. “Hmm, let me think.” She placed a hand to her chin, tapping her finger. “Who else in this room has the exact same problem?” She spoke sarcastically, giving an exaggerated shrug.

Inej immediately got flustered. “Y/N, do not —“

“Oh!” Y/N pointed a finger at her friend. “It’s you! You are the woman attracted to the deadliest man in the Barrel! Not me!”

“Saints help me.” Inej put her head in her hands, hiding her embarrassment.

“Oh how the tables have turned!” Y/N smiled, all too happy to be teasing her friend again. “I’m just kidding, Inej. Would a muffin make you feel better?”

“We got muffins like six hours ago.”

“Right,” Y/N looked to the side, thinking. “What should we do, then?”

“I think you should go and talk to Jesper now that you are more clear headed.” Inej advised, always full of good advice. “Maybe this time you won’t yell at him.”

Y/N looked back at her with a doubtful expression. There are so many things I could do instead. She could have gone back out to the harbor, gotten more sandwiches, or muffins, or both, she could take that nap she so desperately needed, or she could lie and say she’s taking a nap and then get some of the jurda she was itching for. So many options that did not include another interaction with Jesper Fahey.

But despite the anxiety their fight gave her and the certainty that he did not love her the way she would like, she still craved his presence. She needed him even more than she needed the jurda she imagined sitting in her desk drawer in her room, waiting for her.

After some more reassurance from Inej, she walked out of the room to go and look for Jesper.

Kaz Brekker found her before she reached the first stair. Correction, Dirtyhands did. He stopped her movements by whipping his cane to block her path, causing her to look up at him.

“My office,” He demanded, turning away to lead her there. “Now.”

His tone of voice sent chills down her spine. She had heard stories of the ruthlessness of Kaz Brekker that had earned him his reputation and (in her opinion) way too many nicknames, but she had never experienced his wrath first hand. Every bone in her body shook as she sat down across from his desk in his office, wondering what she had done to upset him.

She did what she always did when nervous. Talk. “Boss, did I kill the wrong Razorgull, or did I kill him wrong? Either way one of them is dead and they know it’s because of you so —“

“How long have you been in love with Pekka Rollins?” He interrupted her. When she looked up she saw him leaning over his desk that he stood behind, his hands on the table. The way he stood when he was interrogating someone.

The mention of Pekka Rollins’s name caused her to shut her eyes closed and hold back memories. She could get through discussion of the man just fine when she knew it was coming, but when it was thrown upon her, especially in such a threatening manner, it was harder to handle.

After the initial shock of hearing the name, she had something entirely different sending her mind reeling. Did Kaz just ask about her loving Pekka Rollins, or was she dreaming? That was something she kept to herself for the most part. It was something that toyed with her, gave her nightmares, and made her feel like an idiot. She hadn’t told anyone for a reason.

No, she hadn’t told anyone except for Jesper.

Jesper told him. Betrayal and anger surged forward as she blinked tears from her eyes. I told Jesper one of the worst things about me and he ran to tell our boss an hour later.

She didn’t know how to respond, so she didn’t. Kaz was less than thrilled.

“You are,” He spoke, “in love with him, correct?”

Her back straightened. “No, boss, I don’t —“

“When do you have the time to go and see him, Y/N?” He asked, and she could practically see darkness traveling behind his eyes. “What information is there to be taken from your position in the Dregs?”

She sat back in her seat, baffled. Was he being serious? At what point did he decide her getting manipulated meant that she was some sort of spy for the Dime Lions? How do you even draw that conclusion?

Y/N took a deep breath and stared up at him, eyes hard. “Do you think for a second that I would betray you like that? That the second my opportunity comes I will run back into the arms of that man and wait for his orders? Whatever that man did to you, I did not do. I never did anything in that place of my own volition but leave. And now you say you can’t trust me because I may be on his side? This is fucking ridiculous!”

“He manipulated you for years,” Kaz snapped, “it would be shocking if you moved on from him this easily.”

“Easily?” She shouted back, standing up from her seat. “I have a thousand words to describe this entire ordeal and not one of them is easy.”

They stood for a moment, considering the things that had been brought up. Kaz didn’t want to believe that she was against him, but he also knew that he had to be careful. He did not mess around with much, but he was never messing around when it came to Pekka Rollins.

“If you don’t have any loyalty to him, then tell me.”

“Tell you what, Kaz?” She was over calling him boss. She wanted him to understand that he was betraying her with every word he said. It was not business to her, it was so personal that she could throw up, and she knew it was personal to him too. He didn’t deserve to feel detached from it. He deserved to hear his name.

“Tell me everything about Pekka Rollins that you know.”

She scoffed. “As if I haven’t already.”

“Oh, did you?” He responded. “I only seem to recall some muddled financial statements and the tears of a naive girl.”

“I was being drugged, Kaz!” She responded. “And, as you so lovingly reminded me, manipulated and lied to!”

“Forgive me for not believing the sob story anymore.” He glared at her. The look that made him into the terror that made even fools cross to the other side of the street as he passed. “Why even stay with the Dregs after you escaped, if not to gather information?”

Y/N was too angry to be afraid.

“There is nowhere to go and nothing to get me there. I have the Dregs, and I have Anais. That’s all.” Y/N was seething and a bad taste in her mouth was forming. Kaz is supposed to be smart, how can he not see that I am on his side? And why the fuck did Jesper tell him about this?

“And who’s to say you don’t also have the Dime Lions in your pocket?” Kaz fought back, “What if you have the gang waiting at the Emerald Palace for you to drop off information about me each week?”

This is getting unbearable.

She scoffed, making sure to look Kaz in the eyes before she spoke, “I owe you, Kaz, and against all good reason I trust you. I want to help you take that bastard down more than anything in the world, but whatever you are trying to find out about Pekka from me is never going to come out. I have told you everything I know about him that could hurt him. I am not holding back for some sort of love that never existed. You think I am plotting against you? That I am in love with Pekka Rollins and I am helping him bring you down? That man does not care who you are. He is so much bigger than you it is unimaginable. I want to help you with whatever you are doing to take that man down but we will not succeed if we do it like this. Right now, if he wanted you dead, you simply would be.” She shrugged, shaking her head. “And furthermore, if I wanted you dead, you wouldn’t realize until your last breath. I could tear you open from the inside with one well placed glass of water.”

Kaz Brekker stood silent. He was not stupid enough to underestimate the girl in front of him. That is why this argument had started in the first place.

She moved toward the door, her voice cracking as she spoke again. “You are not owed my past, Kaz Brekker. Not when I cannot even figure out which parts were real.”

[vanilla-vivillon]

Happy Wesper Week! We are doing a Wylan POV because I can’t write charm at all. This is a modern AU bachelor party. The grisha powers exist but everything else is made into there real life equivalent

TW very brief mentions of sex trafficking.

What am I doing here? Wylan thought to himself

When his boyfriend Jesper insisted on throwing there good friend Matthias a bachelor party Wylan thought maybe they would go to a nice bar or play some party games

Not get crazy drunk, Not set fire to the Dutch Garden, not get chased by cops, not perform a gas station heist and not catch one of his best friends making out with a gas station cashier

However it seemed the universe didn’t care for the thoughts of little ole Wylan Hendricks

“Let’s get this party started!” The Australian yelled

Wylan had to remindhimself he loved his boyfriend Jesper

“Can you not shout?” Matthias, the groom to be, begged

Wylan, Jesper, and there friends Kaz and Kuwei were throwing a bachelor party for Matthias

It took a lot to convince the Norwegian that this was indeed a great idea

Wylan had never been to a bachelor party before but he was excited for his boyfriend who adored them

“Do we really have to go to this bar Jesper?” Kaz groaned seeing the crazy bright neon sign

After years of knowing Kaz Brekker Wylan could tell that Kaz was cursing Inej for telling him to come

Nevertheless the boys all walk in and start ordering shots

“Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!” The boys chanted egging on Kaz and Matthias drinking contest

Well it was mostly Jesper and Kuwei chanting Wylan after having a couple drinks was staring at the twinkle in Jespers eyes

He really was beautiful Wylan thought to himself

Wylan attended the University of Amsterdam to mostly escape his father.

There he met his lifelong friends

Matthias a grumpy international exchange student who grew up in a very prominent and dangerous cult in Norway. He wants to be a Norwegian ambassador

Nina Zenik, a heartrender turned corpse witch who was actually a russian spy back in the day. Now she’s working to become an ambassador

Inej Ghafa, she started a non profit to help stop sex trafficking whitch takes her all over the World but she used to. be an acrobat and after that worked with Kaz as his spy

Kaz Brekker, someone who Wylan after years of knowing him isn’t quite sure if there truly friends, or the semi illegal activities he gets up to. Wylan thought his hacking days would be done after University but Kaz has built an online criminal empire

Kuwei Yul Bo a scientists apprentice from China. He was currently working on his masters degree along side Wylan.

And Jesper. How to describe Jesper Fahey. He was an exchange student from Australia. A fabricator with a gift with Guns. While Jesper loved his pistols he actually works for a nonprofit dedicated to gun safety and regulation

After a highly illegal heist on there trip to Norway during college they all bonded as a group

Especially Wylan and Jesper

Jesper with that twinkle

Jesper with that laugh

Jesper with the way he looked at him now

After many more drinks Kuwei had the idea of the century

“Yooooooo y’know what’s a good idea?” Kuwei said bringing his head up from where it was previously glued to the table

“More shhhhhhhhhots?” Jesper suggested clearly as drunk as Wylan

“A couple blocks away is The Dutch Garden, wanna see some prrrrrrrrrrretty flowers?”

Fun fact this is a real place in Amsterdam

Wylan turned towards Kaz expecting him to veto it then and there but to Wylans shock and horror Kaz said “Hell yeah”

“But, but, it’s super late it’s gonna be closed!” Matthias spluttered out

“We can sneak in from the back fence” Jesper said

When Jesper drank his Australian accent whitch had soften over the years of living in Amsterdam came through in all of its glory

When Wylan first met Jesper he thought he was completely out of his league

And that damn accent drove Wylan Insane

While Wylan was contemplating the wonder that was Jesper Llewelyn Fahey it seemed the group made a decision without him

And Wylan thought for the first time in this bachelor party

What am I doing here?

“C’mon Wylan just climb!” Kuwei whisper screamed at Wylan

The drunken lads had made it to the Garden and had found an area where there was a fence they could climb with relative ease

All of the others made it to the other side

Except Wylan

“Don’t you want to seeeeeee the flowwwwwwwers?” Kaz insisted

If Wylan needed any more proof he was the soberest man out of all of them Kaz saying the word ‘pretty’ that isn’t referencing Inej was a clear sign

“Baby pleeeeease” Jesper begged

Oh

Oh no

Not that face

Wylan thought of himself as a sensible person who doesn’t succumb to pressure easily

But when his boyfriend made that face

Where his cool grey eyes went big

And his face had a slight flush to it

Wylan

Broke

“Fine! But if we get arrested it’s on you guys!”

With the ease of a spider who’s leg got chopped off by a middle aged housewife who’s husband is cheating on her climbing up a wall Wylan somehow got across

It wasn’t pretty

And it wasn’t gonna make Kaz proud

But it was completed

Panting Wylan on the ground said “I think this is my biggest accomplishment”

“Not…. Putting away your father? Or growing past your Internalised homophobia? Or writing your first essay on your own?” Matthias suggested clearly bewildered

Hey so i know Wylan can’t actually read. But seeing as this is modern day and plenty of dyslexic people can read with help, I figured that Jan would refuse to take Wylan to a doctor or get him help with his dyslexia believing it was weak making Wylan unable to read. Buuuuut when he’s older it makes sense to me he does learn. I’m not trying to invalidate his experiences or “fix” him but for the sake of a modern AU I had to change some things.

“Nope. It’s climbing this fence” Wylan laughed as Jesper helped him up

“Everyday you remind why your my favorite human” Jesper said with a laugh

“Ewwwww it’s like you guys like to remind how I’m the only single one” Kuwei said with a throwing up motion

“Thanks Jesp- wait human?” Wylan asked confused

“Well my favorite thing is Milo of course” Jesper winked

“The- the goat in Russia?” Kaz inquired not quite wanting to believe what Jesper was saying

To Wylans knowledge Kaz, Inej and Jesper did some job in Russia before he ever met them

“Why of course” Jesper slung an arm around Wylan who was not quite sure how to feel about this goat

Kaz went to go look at some purple flowers and contemplate his life choices

“Oh my god guys…….” Matthias started “the flowers! They’re- they’re”

“Cmon Matty, share with the class” Kaz said apparently bored with the purple flowers

“They’re so preeeeeeeetty” Matthias eyes welled up with tears

“Oh Saints tell me he’s not crying” Kuwei Moaned

Jesper walked over to where Matthias was stroking a hydrangea

“They are soooooooo pretty” Jespers eyes also Welled up with tears

“Fuck this shit” Kuwei said taking out a lighter and cigarette

“Hey! Smoking is very bad for you Kuwei!” Wylan lectured

“Wylan. I’m an inferni. Smoking foesnt affect us” Kuwei rolled his golden brown eyes

“Yeah but we’re in a highly flammable garden! And the rest of us aren’t inferni!” Wylan said

It seemed during Kuwei and Wylans arguement Kaz had also joined the cult of flowers that Matthias and Jesper were fixated on

“Wylan stop smoke shaming me!” And the scientists went back and fourth

“KUWEI YOU PIECE OF-“ Wylan started then sniffed the air “is that, is that smoke?” Wylan asked

“Holy shit dudes there’s a fire!” Kaz yelled pointing at where the cigarette Kuwei droppped

It seemed that the cigarette lit fire to a big wall of flowers

“This is why I never wanted a bachelor party!” Matthias moaned

The boys could hear voices coming towards them

Then all of the men looked at each other

And all of them yelled “RUN!”

All of them starting sprinting to the fence

And Kaz with his limp scrambled up that fence the fastest

Guess his determination to not get caught was strong

Wylan started climbing as fast as he could whitch wasn’t very fast

“Cmon Merchling!” Jesper said at the top reaching out a hand to his boyfriend

Wylan took it and stared at the steel eyes that had first enraptured him years ago

“Hey Stop!” Looking back Wylan and Jesper saw three security guards running towards them and yelling at them to stop

Jesper yanked Wylan up and they both fell off the fence in a pile

Jesper took Wylans hand and they all started booking it to Wylan’s car

Wylan who had sobered up in the whole endeavor determined that he was probably sober enough to drive

Piling in they all shoved themselves in the car

Wylan turned on the gas and starte to get the car back on the road

“I can’t believe we ran from cops!” Matthias said in between panting

“That was awesome!” Jesper exclaimed from the passenger seat

Wylan laughed

He had never been a spontaneous person

It seemed this night was a lot more fun then he thought

Until he heard the sirens

From the backseat Kaz turned

And three police cars were zooming towards them

“I am not going down for arson!” Kuwei yelled

“Wylan stop driving like a grandma and go faster! There gaining on us!” Kaz screamed at Wylan

“I can’t there’s a stoplight!”

“Run it!” Jespers shrill voice screamed at him

And Wylan did what he swore to never do

He took a deep breath

And ran that light as fast as he could

They were flying

Wylan had never seen how fast he could make his car go

Turns out it was fast

Wylan used some of his dads money to buy a sports car just to rub it in Jans face

With the top off and blood rushing through Wylans head he had never felt more alive

His boy beside him

His friends behind him

“WOOOOOOOOO!” Kuwei yelled throwing his hands up

Jesper joined Kuwei as the car sped down the street

Matthias was looking a little green

“Matty you okay back there?” Wylan shouted back at the Norwegian

“No!” Matthias shouted over the roar of engine and Jesper and Kuweis yips and yells

Some point during this Kaz called Inej

“Inej I hate thissssss!” Wylan couldn’t hear what Inej said back but from the pieces Kaz gave it was obvious

“No im not drunk!……. Psh of course those aren’t sirens…… Inej we might’ve bended the law but I swear it wasn’t my fault!…….. alright bye. ….I love you to….”

After what seemed like an eternity Wylan finally lost the police

Laughing the Wylan pulled into a gas station for refill

Wylan stepped out of the car and began to refill his car and thought for the millionth time what am I doing here?

“Wylannnnnn” Kuwei moaned

“What Kuwei?” Wylan said already exasperated

“Wylan I’m hungryyyyyy”

“Then go grab some chips or something!”

“But I don’t want to pay for it!”

“Then I guess that sucks for you!”

“You got like a million dollars from stealing me from Norway! You owe me!”

Ghezen Wylan hated drunk people

“Let’s perform a heist on the gas station!” Matthias said apparently done feeling sick

“What? No! We aren’t stealing from the gas station!” Wylan lectured

“It might actually be fuuuuuuun Wy” Kaz begged

The rest of the party were already getting out of the car ignoring Wylans protests

“We will do a simple distract act, Kuwei will go in first and lead the cashier away, and then we go in and steal chips” Kaz explained

It seemed even drunk Kaz could scheme

“This is insane!” Wylan exclaimed

“You said that about rescuing Kuwei from the Norwegian government but that ended up great” Matthias replied

They were gonna do this with or without Wylan

With a sigh Wylan thought what am I doing here?

Kuwei had gone in and had given the single

Wylan had walked in after pretending to look at some sodas and after Kuwei went into the back room with the cashier Wylan sent a quick text to the rest of the guys to come In and get raiding

Like clockwork Matthias, Jesper, and Kaz went in and they started ransacking the place

Wylan was in charge of Sodas, Matthias was in charge of Chips, and Jesper was in charge of Candy

Kaz had the most important job of all

He had to hack into there computers and wipe the security cameras

If Kaz couldn’t do that then Kaz would have to actually hack into the computers from his phone

It almost suprised Wylan how quickly efficiently, and quietly, a bunch of drunk guys could ransack a gas station

Wylan did feel guilty for a moment

But then he remembered how the CEO of the company the gas station is owned by has had multiple sexual misconduct allegations and Wylan felt better

Wylan got all the soda he could carry and rushed back to the car dumping them in the backseat

Soon after Matthias followed then Jesper and a little while after Kaz

Wylan did a quick headcount “wait where’s Kuwei?”

Wylan checked his phone

No texts from him

Shit shit shit

“Someone has to go back in” Kaz said

“I’ll go after him” Wylan said with a sigh

He loved Kuwei like a brother

But like an annoying little brother constantly getting himself in messes

Wylan Walked in and saw the e cashier wasn’t back

Wylan walked through the store and then heard something towards the men’s bathroom

Walking closer to the door the noises were getting a bit louder

Wylan opened the door slamming it against the wall

There stood a wide eyed Chinese kid and from the green uniform Wylan guessed was the cashier

The cashier who was standing between Kuweis legs. Kuwei who was sitting in the edge of the bathroom sink

There’s arms were around each other

Wylan was confused

What was Kuwei doing?

Oh

Oh

“Get your ass in the car Kuwei!” Wylan yelled

Kuwei gave whispered sorries to the cashier while collecting his jacket he apparently threw off

Wylan dragged Kuwei by the arm outside the store

“Kuwei. When we say distract the cashier, that means distract, not make oht with him!” Wylan lectured

“Cmon Wylan you saw him, he was cute!”

“Your drunk Kuwei!”

“Aren’t we all a little drunk in life?”

“That makes absolutely no sense” Wylan said with a sigh “just go to the car”

Kuwei happily skips away

Wylan had just dropped off Matthias at his and Ninas apartment after dropping off Kaz and Kuwei

Leaving just Wylan, Jesper, and an unhealthy amount of snacks in the car

“Hey Wylan” Jesper said

“Yes Jes?”

“I love you”

“I love you to Jesper”

“No wylan” Jesper took Wylan’s face in his hands

“I really love you” Jesper Pushed a ginger lock away from Wylans face

Jesper then reached into his pocket and pulled out a rumpled purple flower and tucked it into Wylans hair “I really really really love you”

Wylan blinked. Jesper was so drunk.

Wylan gave Jesper a soft smile and placed a kiss on his mouth

“I love you to Jesper”

And suddenly Wylan knew exactly what he was doing there

Finnally finished this in the Nick of time! @neilperryisalive I hope you enjoy this! I was seriously worried I wouldn’t be able to finish it but I did! I’ve never written Wesper but I really enjoyed it. My ask box is open and I take any Grishaverse requests

[halothief]

- ̗̀ five times prompts! ̖́ -    ╱     accepting (specify muse).    @parabathai​ — five times kaz almost asks ava about her scars and the one time they do.

— i —

there’s a certain purity in simplicity, and a playful game of spoons is never a remiss. so what if kaz isn’t aware she’s playing this particular brand of annoying. that’s half of the fun, isn’t it?

the spoon meets the wooden bench. ava dives for it, nimble and sharp. yet somehow, he still catches her by the wrist. 

his fingers linger on the thenar of her palm; on the knick she doesn’t like to look at, for all the bad memories she has of the time before.

ava drops the spoon.

ava pulls away like she’s been burned.

— ii —

sometimes, when she’s in the training room belting the hell out of the makeshift dummies, she feels those familiar silver eyes trailing up her spine. her body lights up like a livewire, and she wonders when she turned into a total loser at the simple feeling of a certain stare. 

ava knows when he reaches the divot between her shoulder blades. that gaze always seems to catch on the perfect ring. she thinks about it — about how all the warrior nuns before her were fully conscious as the halo ripped into their flesh. she shudders, and for the first time in her life, feels relieved she was dead.

— iii —

ava learns there’s a certain rawness to the way kaz approaches things, as if he’s lived a whole life being someone else and is done with it. ava learns they really doesn’t like it when she goes ghost — the way their hits never meet their mark, no matter how hard he tries. she watches him, watches the way the sweat drips down that lovely tan throat, and oooh boy is she thirsty.

in all the stupidity of his distraction, a hit lands. ava’s here one second, gone the next, floored on her back with a groan. 

     ‘ jesus christ, you hit like a winery tour. ’

kaz grins, holding out their hand to pull her back to her feet. she hops in place, but something draws those silver eyes again, this close up. a thumb presses to the faded scar above her brow, and she knows they’re curious — can see it in the way they look at her like she’s some kind of bizarre conundrum.

ava shrinks back, faux bravado firmly fixed in the smile that doesn’t meet her eyes.

     ‘ best of three? ’

— iv —

those hands — they’re everywhere — her hips, her thighs, her spine. kaz catches their fingers in her messy hair, the sharp tug enough to turn her eyes pitch black, her body a pile of overstimulated nerves. she kisses him, because why the hell wouldn’t she when his mouth is right there and free for the taking. 

with his body trapped beneath her bracketed thighs, shirts long-abandoned on the wayside, she feels powerful. she feels divine. she feels like nothing could bring her down from the high. everything’s fever hot and a long time coming.

— until those clever fingers touch the mottled skin just above her navel, a little bit to the right. 

three things happen in quick succession: 

ava freezes, goes limp as if struck by a quick blow to the head; 

kaz catches her and her thousand yard stare;

she comes back into her body, only for her body to go — through the mattress, the floor, the kitchen bench — all the way to her final destination, the cellar.

finding her way back to kaz’s bedroom brings new meaning to the walk of shame.

— v —

kazheir asghar is decidedly too much; too pretty, too clever, too good with a sword, and too much of everything ava silva wants. she looks at them, and thinks about what things might be like when all of this is over — when the false angel is dead, when the halo is no longer needed, when she’s just an ordinary person with a second chance at life.

will kaz still be around?

they grab her hips and pull her close, and ava wonders when things became so tactile. their thumb brushes the scar above her brow, and ava wonders when that became okay too.

+ the one time they do

     ‘ you can ask me about it. ’

there’s a bed. there’s moonlight. there’s skin. ava’s half drunk on love and the aftershock of pleasure, and can feel the way kazheir’s hand catches on the long thin stripe along her spine. those warm hands stop in their path at her words, withdrawn only to be replaced by a warmer set of lips. he kisses down along the horrible thing — the scar that ended her life just below the one that started it again. 

ava wonders if god’s a poetic symmetry kind of guy. it’s textbook symbolism. flagrant and flamboyant.

     ‘ what happened? ’     kazheir finally asks, mouth still a mark upon her skin.

     ‘ there was an accident, ’     she begins. it’s the first time she’s told this story, the story of her mother’s life and her body’s death.

[...]

they stay up until the sunrise, kazheir’s hand pressed to the divot between her shoulders. 

right in the middle of the halo. 

right where it belongs.

[lab-trash]

Spiderman Kiss

Is this click-bait? Maybe...

But maybe not.

“Chase, come here,” Kaz said, climbing up onto the counter.

“Kaz, what are you doing? You’re going to get yourself hurt,” He said, walking over. Kaz sat down carefully. 

“Move these chairs,” He said, pushing the chairs away from the counter.

“Tell me what you’re doing first,” Chase responded. Kaz rolled his eyes, crossing his legs. 

“I wanna do a spider-man kiss, and this is the only way I could think of,” He said quietly. Chase sighed and shook his head.

“Kaz, there are three parts to why I’m not going to do that,” He said, “One, I’m not going to kiss you. Two, you’d reach at least halfway down this counter, and I’m not getting on my knees to kiss you. Three, this is a very inefficient way to do a ‘spider-man’ kiss,” He explained. Kaz groaned.

“Please! It’s been my dream since I was like 7.”

“I thought your dream was to be a superhero,” Chase said smugly. 

“I can have more than one dream,” Kaz said, somewhat defensively. Chase smiled. Adorable. “Please,” He pleaded again.

“Kaz, you can fly, why don’t you just fly into the air and hang yourself upside down, and then you could do a spider-man kiss that way.” Kaz sighed.

“I’ve tried, I usually fall.” 

“Okay,” Chase said. He put his hands on Kaz’s shoulders. “Kaz, you learn how to do that, and I’ll find someone to kiss you,” He said. Kaz smiled. 

“Really?” He asked. Chase nodded.

“Sure,” He said. Kaz hopped off the counter. 

“Well, I’m sure it won’t be that hard,” He said with a small laugh, “I mean…” He motioned to himself and Chase’s face  heated up as he basically checked Kaz out for the first time ever.

“Uh…” He swallowed, “Yeah,” He said. He pat Kaz’s arm. “Good luck,” He said. Kaz chuckled. 

“Thanks,” He said. “I’m gonna go try in our room so that when I fall, I won’t get hurt,” He said. He fist bumped Chase before leaving the room.

Chase let out a light laugh before putting the chairs back to the way they were before.

No, he didn’t know how he was going to get a girl to come to his house to get her to kiss his friend while his friend flew upside down. But he also didn’t care.

Besides, what were the chances that Kaz would actually succeed at learning how to do that.

 Pretty high, actually. He didn’t calculate until that exact moment, but when Kaz set his mind to a certain goal, he usually tried to do it— especially when it had to do with his superpowers or something dorky like that.

He was just cool like that. 

Chase tended to get very frustrated when he failed at something continuously. Granted, Kaz did too, but when it was something he really wanted to do, he pursued it until the end.

So, either he didn’t want to do it enough, or he does. Meaning there’s about a 87.3% chance that Kaz succeeds and Chase actually has to find a girl to kiss him.

Why does the idea of that make Chase want to punch something…

  When Chase entered his shared room, Kaz was floating just above his bed, starting slow by leaning his head back, beginning letting his body fall upside down in the air.

“Doing okay?” Chase asked, making Kaz fall, hunting his neck in the process.

“Agh,” He groaned, clutching it. 

“Crap, sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay,” Kaz said, sitting up. “And, I’m doing fine, I guess,” He said. “I mean, I’m improving. But it’s going so slow, oh my god, I’m so bored!” He groaned. Chase let out a light laugh.

“I can help keep you entertained next time you try, if you want,” Chase offered.

Chase was not flirting.

“Oh, yeah?” Kaz asked, “And how exactly would you do that? Your main interests are math, inventing and boring science stuff,” He said. Chase let out a light laugh, sitting on Kaz’s bed.

“I’m sure I could find some way to do it,” He said.

Chase was not flirting.

“If you wanna try, sure, go ahead,” He said with a small laugh. “But seriously, I’m really tired, I’m going to sleep,” He said, laying back down on his bed.

“Kaz, you’re still wearing your day clothes,” Chase noted, standing up.

“I don’t care,” Kaz groaned, kicking off his shoes. 

“How can you sleep in jeans?” He asked. 

“How can you sleep standing up?” Kaz retorted. Chase shrugged.

“Fair enough,” He said, walking into his capsule.

The next day when Kaz went to practice his upside down flying, Chase kept him company. They talked about the logistics of Spiderman, Chase ignoring the whole ‘supernatural spider bite,’ thing, and focusing more on the ‘wtf is his webs attaching to,’ thing. 

He enjoyed listening to Kaz’s point of view, even though it was occasionally interrupted by him falling down onto his bed and groaning in the sudden pain. 

They continued to talk about stuff like that as Kaz continued to practice, and Chase enjoyed seeing Kaz get better at it every day. 

But then a new conversation came up…

“Hey, how’re you gonna find some girl to kiss me if you’re stickin’ around here all day?” Kaz asked, trying to bend his back down so his head was resting on his bed while his body floated in the air. 

Chase hesitated. He hadn’t even been thinking about that.

“I-I’ll probably just see if Bree or Skylar’ll wanna do it,” He said, although it was a lie. Kaz fell back onto his bed and sat up.

“You’d really be okay with me kissing Bree?” He asked in disbelief. “Not that I want to kiss Bree, I don’t.”

“I don’t think I’d care.”

Lie.

“Plus, you could always just kiss Skylar,” He added. Kaz let out a hefty laugh.

“Yeah, as if Oliver wouldn’t break my arm,” He said, laying back down. “It’s okay if you haven’t found a girl,” He said, floating back into the air. “But, if you don’t…” He leaned his head back, looking at Chase. “You’ll have to kiss me yourself,” He finished with a wink. Chase choked on his words. 

“I— Um—”

“Chill out, dude,” Kaz said with a laugh, trying to let his torso fall like his head had. “I’m just messing with you. After I learn, I’ll know how for a while. You don’t really have a time limit.” He failed to let his torso fall and instead fell back onto his bed. “And if you did, you’d probably still have a little while,” He said, his voice strained and tired. 

“I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it soon enough.”

  Soon enough indeed. 

Within the next couple days, Kaz had successfully learned how to let his body, head and arms collapse out of flight, but keeping his legs in flight. 

So Chase was conflicted when Kaz approached him the day after his first success.

“So, you find a girl, or you gotta kiss me yourself?” He asked, although Chase knew that he was just teasing him. 

Maybe he wouldn’t have minded if not for the fact that literally everyone else was in the room. 

“What?” Skylar asked, confused, a small laugh working through her voice. 

“Oh, Chase said that if I learn how to fly right, he’d find a girl to kiss me,” He recapped. 

“What?” Oliver asked, still confused. Kaz just held up his finger real quick before floating himself into the air. 

He held himself high enough so that when he collapsed part of himself, he wouldn’t hit his head. He let his torso fall.

“Check it out!” He exclaimed happily, “I can do a spiderman kiss, that’s the thing. But I don’t have a girlfriend, so…”

“Yeah,” Chase said, “Yeah, I have someone for you, I’ll go…” He walked off. “Just stay like that, it’ll only take a second,” He said, walking out the door.

He took a breath, hit his head against the elevator door before opening the door again. Kaz’s back was turned on the door. 

“Kaz, close your eyes,” Chase called out.

“Okay,” Kaz said sceptically. Chase walked past Kaz and motioned for everyone else to keep their mouth shut. 

He swallowed before carefully pressing his lips against Kaz’s. He put his hands on Kaz’s head carefully, to which Kaz returned, immediately spiking Chase’s anxiety.

Kaz didn’t stop though, tangling his finger’s into Chase’s hair.

Chase had to believe that Kaz didn’t know that it was him.

Especially when Kaz fell from the air, hitting Chase’s chin with his head and biting his lip, and breaking the coffee table. Chase put his hand to his chin, brushing his slightly bleeding lip with his fingertips.

He groaned in pain, clutching his head. 

“Sorry,” Chase said. “Sorry,” He said again, walking upstairs to his room. 

“That was really weird to watch,” Oliver said, slightly frozen in shock. Skylar stood up and held her hand out for Kaz.

“I didn’t mean to,” Kaz groaned out, taking Skylar’s hand and pulling himself up. “I opened my eyes, and I realised it was actually Chase kissing me and it made me panic,” He admitted, sitting himself on the couch.

“Whaddya mean?” Bree asked, legitimately confused. 

“I… It was better than I’ve ever imagined,” Kaz muttered, shoving his face in his hands. 

“Spiderman kiss, or kissing Chase?” Oliver asked.

“Kissing Chase,” Kaz said. He put his head up. “I mean, the spiderman thing was cool too.”

“Wait,” Bree said, “You’ve thought about kissing my brother?” She asked. Kaz cleared his throat.

“I, uh… No?” He answered, his voice spiking in pitch. Bree groaned.

“Oh, of course you two wouldn’t know you like each other.” Kaz’s eyes lit up.

“He told you that?” He asked excitedly.

“No, but I know he likes guys, and, oh, yeah; he just kissed you!” Bree exclaimed. “And Chase would do this thing when you were out on the terrace with Oliver, where he’ll just stare for like… a half hour.”

“Wha— Really?” Kaz asked. Bree nodded and Skylar hit Bree’s arm.

“She’s right,” She said, “And like, when you and Oliver play video games, he always glances up from whatever he’s doing.” Kaz deflated.

“He could just have a crush on Oliver,” He said. The two girls exchanged looks and laughed.

“No, he doesn’t,” They both said. Kaz shook his head. 

“I’m just not gonna take the risk,” He said. “I’m okay living in the slight pain that comes with having a crush on your roommate,” He said before walking off and out the door. 

“Oh my god,” Oliver said, “They were roommates,” He said with a small laugh, staring at Bree and Skylar for a reaction. 

“Oh, right,” Oliver said, leaning back in his seat. “Alien, basement,” He said, pointing to each corresponding girl.

“What?” Bree asked

“Why’d you say it like that?” Skylar asked. 

  When Kaz went into their room to go to sleep, Chase wasn’t there. He sighed, but laid down to sleep. 

He tossed and turned for what felt like hours (but was probably just 20 minutes) before throwing his blankets off him and walking back downstairs. 

He went to the kitchen, but before he was able to get anything, he noticed Chase out on the balcony, icing his lower face. 

“Fuck,” Kaz cursed quietly. He took a breath before walking to the terrace door. He swallowed before working up the courage to open the door. “Hey,” He said, getting Chase’s attention. 

“Kaz!” Chase exclaimed, putting the ice pack down. 

Chase’s lip was red and slightly swollen, and he had a small bruise curving from just below his chin to the end of it. 

“Uh,” He laughed nervously, “Hey! Look, uh, sorry that—”

“Did I do that?” He asked, reaching his hand out ever so slightly towards Chase’s face.

Their stare lingered for a moment before either of them moved; Kaz retracting his hand. 

“Sorry,” He said quickly. Chase shook his head. 

“It’s okay,” He said. “It was my fault, I never should’ve kissed you.”

“It’s not your fault you couldn’t find a girl,” Kaz said with a light, nervous laugh. Chase let out a small laugh.

“It’s not like I tried.”

“What?”

Chase stared down at his hands.

“Why didn’t you try?” Kaz asked. Chase sighed. 

“I didn’t want to have to watch you kiss some girl,” He said, turning toward the city. He lazily takes the ice pack and pressed it against his face, wincing slightly. 

“Well, if I had kissed some girl, I would’ve bitten her lip when I opened my eyes, and not yours,” He said. Chase put his other hand over his face.

“You opened your eyes?” He asked, dreading the answer.

“Yeah,” Kaz said, “I had to know if it was really you,” He admitted. Chase turned his head to look at Kaz.

“What do you mean?”

Kaz sighed. This was the time. This was the moment. 

“I’ve thought about kissing you,” He said, “Running my fingers through your hair, tasting apple on your lips— because you have one like every day,” He said. He cleared his throat, looking down at the town. “I had to know if it really was you.”

“You’ve… thought about that too?” Chase asked. Kaz looked up.

“Too?” He asked quietly. 

“Yeah,” Chase admitted. “The idea of your body pressed against mine, tasting… What was it today? Chicken wings on your mouth, and feeling your fingers run through my hair. Sounds amazing.”

Kaz swallowed. He put his hand on Chase’s head and reached his hand out like before. He pulled the ice pack away. 

“Uh…” He leaned in slightly. “Like this?” He asked before pressing his lips to Chase’s. 

Chase immediately kissed back, pulling Kaz close, wrapping his arms around Kaz’s waist, pressing their bodies closer together, much like he’d always imagined. Kaz gently nipped against Chase’s swollen lip, which made him shutter in a feeling that was unfamiliar to him, but pleasant. 

Chase felt Kaz’s fingers run through his hair, tugging gently, trying to fulfil his recently mentioned fantasies, and succeeding wonderfully. 

Sadly, it ended all too soon.

“Was that good?” Kaz asked with a smile. 

“Amazing,” Chase muttered. 

“You’ve… thought about that too?” Kaz asked, only now fully processing it. “You really have?”

“Of course, I have,” Chase said, “What would you do if you had a cute boy living with you, who made you feel something that you’d never felt before?”

Kaz looked at himself and Chase.

“This,” He said, motioning to the two of them. Chase let out a light laugh. 

“I’m glad it’s me and not Oliver,” He said. Kaz let out a hefty laugh.

“Oh, god, no,” He said. “Oliver’s not you.”

“And that’s good?” Chase asked, genuinely unsure.

“It’s amazing.”

[skylights2000]

Stress Reliever (Kazuichi x Reader)

I know I said I’d post this tomorrow, but I’ve been working on it for several days and finally finished it, and I’m incredibly impatient, so here we go!

This is also the first smut imagine I’m posting on my blog. I don’t know why, but I always get super embarrassed whenever I post smut, so I hope you like it. If you do, maybe I’ll most more in the future?

You could see how some people might think that Kazuichi was a delinquent. His appearance definitely gave off that vibe, but in reality, the thought was enough to make you laugh.

Kazuichi was a wimpy sweetheart that wanted nothing more than to be loved.

How did you know this?

Because you were dating that wimpy sweetheart.

Kazuichi was fun to mess with. His reactions to any kind of affection were so flustered and pure. You loved him so much that it made your heart hurt sometimes.

But sometimes, teasing Kazuichi took unexpected, but not entirely unwelcome, turns.

~

You liked kissing Kazuichi. You never got tired of how he leaned into you and sighed into your mouth. He was not only shorter than you (by a few inches, but still shorter), but he was also lighter than you. You often used that to your advantage. Picking him up and twirling him around, giving him piggyback rides, handing him stuff from the shelves he couldn’t reach, you loved stuff like that.

But most of all, you loved pulling him into your lap, which was where he was now. You had your arms wrapped around his waist and his around your back. He had his head on your shoulder while you absentmindedly twirled a strand of his hair.

Between the upcoming midterms and helping Miu with Kiibo while also trying to keep up with his own projects, Kazuichi was overstressed.

You’d been trying to be supportive and help wherever you could, but when Miu called, frantically explaining that Kazuichi had passed out in the middle of the garage, you decided enough was enough.

You’d gone and picked him up. He argued that he had things to get done, but you weren’t having any of it.

“You can come with me willingly, or I’ll carry you there instead.” You challenged, and after realizing that you were being completely serious, he sighed and agreed.

You also insisted that he come to your apartment. You didn’t trust Kazuichi to go to sleep if he went to his own. That’s how you ended up here on on your couch with Kazuichi.

There was one problem though.

Despite how tired he was, Kazuichi was so stressed out that he couldn’t fall asleep. You’d been sitting here for the past five minutes, listening to him mumble to himself about everything he had to get done, while you tried to think of something to help calm him down.

That was when something struck you. The idea made you blush, but you seriously couldn’t think of anything else.

You turned your head enough to kiss Kazuichi on the head. “Hey Kaz.” You nudged him with your shoulder until he sat up. Once he did, you smiled before you leaned forward and kissed him.

He made a sound of surprise, but after a second, he melted into you, kissing you back.

You trailed your hands up his back, cracking a smile when he shivered. “Are my hands cold?

“N-No, well yes, but that’s not wh-why-“

You slid your hands under his shirt, bursting into a fit of giggles when he yelped and tried to squirm away from you. You had mercy on him and removed your hands, instead, choosing to take his hands in yours.

You pressed soft kisses along his hands and arms while your hands slowly started to warm up, taking on the same temperature as his own.

“Better?” You asked playfully, and he nodded gratefully.

You smiled softly as you looked at him. His pink eyes seemed to shine when he was happy. It was captivating. You could easily get lost in his eyes, but you snapped out of it when he looked away.

“Wh-Why’re ya st-starin’ at me like that?”

“You have pretty eyes.”

“Don’tcha think the pink is a bit weird?”

The way he asked made it clear that people had said that before.

“I’m not talking about the pink.” You cupped his face gently. “I can see everything in your eyes. When you’re sad, they get stormy. When you’re happy, they shine. Your eyes are beautiful. Not because they’re pink. They’re beautiful because they’re yours, because I can see everything you are when I look you in the eyes.” You could feel his cheeks heating up under your hands.

You pulled his head down to yours and kissed him again, much deeper this time. You broke away, pressing a kiss to his cheek, then his jaw. You trailed little kisses down to his neck, listening to the way his breath hitched with each one.

“Wh-What’s gotten into you?”

“I figured if I tired you out, you’d be able to sleep.” You explained, scratching your cheek nervously. Saying it out loud made you feel a bit embarrassed.

There was a moment where he just stared at you as the implication behind your words sank in. You could tell when they did because he turned red all the way to the roots of his hair.

“O-Oh..u-um..”

“Is that okay with you?” You asked, choosing not to beat around the bush. You would never force him to do something he didn’t want to, but you had learned a long time ago that being blunt was best with him.

Your last boyfriend had been very dominant. Too dominant. He always insisted on knowing everywhere you went and everyone you met. He told you who you could hang out with, where you could go, and what you could do. You hated it.

You met Kazuichi a couple months after the two of you broke up, and it was a nice change of pace. Kazuichi was a good person, despite his obsession with Sonia at the time, and a good friend. He obviously cared very deeply for his friends.

Kazuichi may look like a tough guy, but that couldn’t be less true. He was a scaredy cat when something freaked him out. He liked to flirt with girls, but the second someone so much as complimented him, he turned into a stuttering mess.

It was adorable, and being around him taught you how to be more honest with what you felt. You no longer felt like you had to hide to maintain this perfect image of what someone thought you should be. You could say what you meant and not be afraid of how he’d react. You could just be yourself.

Being with Kazuichi also taught you how to be more blunt. Beating around bush just led to more trouble. He was also very clueless at times. If you didn’t say what you wanted, it would go right over his head.

Kazuichi was also shy, incredibly so. It led to some interesting, and frankly adorable, moments.

You were the more bold one, so you were usually the one to initiate things, and you were surprised to find that you didn’t mind it. Besides, it made the moments that Kazuichi did initiate anything all the more special.

It seemed now was one of those times too because, instead of responding to your question verbally, Kazuichi just kissed you again. He ran his tongue across your bottom lip, and when you parted your lips, he slid his tongue into your mouth.

You slid one of your hands into his hair, wrapping your other arm around his waist. You pulled him forward until his chest was pressed against yours, and you felt a shiver run down your spine when he gasped into your mouth.

You nipped at his lip, unable to keep back a smile when he moaned. “Feel good?”

He flushed, but he still nodded, an embarrassed smile on his face.

“That’s good.” You pressed a kiss just under his ear. “You know what to say if you want me to stop?”

Kazuichi was prone to saying stop when he was embarrassed, but when you actually did stop, he only got more embarrassed when he had to tell you, no, you hadn’t gone to far, and no, he wasn’t hurt. So, you picked something that still got the message across when he actually did want you to stop.

“Red.”

You smiled against his skin. “And when will I stop?”

You weren’t really sure when you got into the habit of asking him that, but you did it every time now.

Your ex boyfriend hadn’t been so lenient with you. If you started, no matter what you said, he wasn’t going to stop.

You never wanted Kazuichi to feel that way.

“Any time I want.”

You pecked him on the lips, a proud kind of smile on your face. “Never forget that, okay?”

He nodded with a smile of his own. “I won’t.”

You returned to peppering kisses along his skin. Eventually, you slid your hands under his shirt, pushing it up, and when he got the gist, he helped you pull it over his head.

You stole his beanie so you could run your fingers through his hair.

He gasped when you nipped at the base of his neck, sucking lightly at the red mark you’d made.

He was gripping your upper arms, unsure what to do with himself. You moved even lower, dragging your teeth along his collarbone. He shivered, something between a sigh and a moan falling from his lips.

He covered his mouth, biting his thumb to keep back another sound when you nipped at the skin there. Heat flared in his chest, thrumming under his skin until he felt like he was burning from the inside out. Arousal twisted low in his stomach, and he flushed when he realized that he was getting hard.

Fingers curled around his wrist, pulling his hand away from his mouth. “I like hearing you.” You murmured, connecting your mouths again. You smelt like strawberries and tasted like the chocolate you were eating earlier.

Your mouth was hot against his, and he pulled away with a gasp. “(Y-Y/n).”

You pressed a kiss just under his ear, a hand sliding up his back.

“H-Hey, st-stop.”

“Are you sure?” You teased, clearly enjoying how flustered he was getting.

“I’m ge-gettin’..”

“Turned on?” You finished for him when he didn’t continue.

He felt a wave of embarrassment at the words, but he nodded truthfully.

You smirked against his shoulder, a soft laugh bubbling from your chest. “What’s wrong with that?”

“I-It’s embarrassin’..”

You shifted back slightly, raising your head to look at him. He had turned red all the way up to his ears, and it was slowly spreading down his neck, giving his skin a pink hue. “Do you want me to stop?”

Your expression was no longer teasing. You were smiling gently at him, as if he was the most precious thing in the world. “You know what to say if you want me to stop.”

He opened his mouth, but no words came out.

“What do you want me to do?”

“I..” He closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at you. “I-I like when you t-touch me.”

You hummed softly, experimentally trailing your fingers from the curve of his neck down to the center of his chest. “Like that?”

He nodded, swallowing nervously.

You used one hand to hold his jaw while you kissed him, running the other down his chest. Your fingers brushed over one of his nipples, and you grinned when he jumped, gasping into your mouth.

You leaned back, watching his face as you repeated the motion more deliberately. He was biting his lip, his hands curling into the back of the couch.

Sometimes, you swore he couldn’t get any cuter. “You’re really sensitive.”

If you thought he was red before, it was nothing compared to his face right now.

“Do-Don’t just say things like that!”

You just raised an eyebrow, lips curving into an amused smile. “What? I’m telling the truth!”

“J-Just cause it’s true doesn’t mean ya have to say it out loud!”

You shook your head softly. “It’s so easy to mess with you.”

All of a sudden, you smiled deviously. “If you’re really not that sensitive, then I’m sure you won’t mind if I do this.” You squeezed his nipple, flicking it lightly with your finger, and he moaned.

“H-Hey! That’s n-not fair!”

“Who said I was being fair?” Your hands trailed down to his waist, and you leaned forward, running your tongue over his nipple.

His hand came up to your shoulder like he was going to push you away, but he ended up gripping it instead.

You began to suck at it, rolling his other nipple between your fingers, and you were pleasantly surprised when he whined low in his throat.

You let go, moving until you could stand up, taking him with you. You carried him into your bedroom, dropping him unceremoniously on your bed. Before he could complain, you climbed onto the bed too, straddling him.

You curled your hands into his hair, and Kazuichi felt caught off guard by the adoration and love in your eyes.

You leaned forward, pressing a kiss to his lips. “God, I love you so much.” You said softly, kissing along his jaw and down to his neck.

Kazuichi moaned when you sucked at the skin at the base of his neck. He slipped his hands under your shirt, running his hands up your back. Your skin was soft and cold against his burning skin. He ran his hands further up your back. He could feel your shoulder blades shift, feel the dip between them, feel the dimple at the bottom of your back. He tugged at your shirt, and you broke away from him to help him pull it over your head.

“You want me to take these?” He asked tapping the edge of your glasses.

“Nah, I like being able to see you.” You said, smirking playfully at him.

He slapped your shoulder. “Don’t say things like that!” He retorted, cheeks flushing a bright shade of red.

You laughed warmly, hands pressed against his shoulders. You leaned down to press a kiss to his pulse point, feeling his heart beat wildly under your lips.

“Hm, what if I told you that you look really cute like this?” You asked, kissing down his chest.

“L-Like what?” Kazuichi asked shakily.

“All flushed and embarrassed.” You responded running your hands up his back. You sucked at his collarbone, and he moaned softly.

“I-“ He tried to say something, but no words came out. He felt overwhelmed. Kazuichi could feel heat curling in his stomach, but you weren’t done.

“And what if I told you that I like hearing you moan.” You asked, amusement sparking in your voice.

His breaths were coming out in small pants.

“If I said that seeing you get all worked up is kinda hot, what would you do then?” You asked teasingly.

“I-I don’t-“ Kazuichi started, but he was abruptly cut off by a moan when you ran your tongue over one of his nipples.

You began to suck at it, your teeth occasionally brushing over it. Your other hand came up and began to massage his other nipple, and Kazuichi arched into the touch, moaning your name.

You pulled away, leaning up to connect your lips again.

The heat in Kazuichi’s stomach flared, and he tangled his hands in your hair.

You began to kiss down his chest and along his stomach, leaving hickeys every now and then. He squirmed underneath you. Kazuichi felt like his body was burning from the inside out. He was hard, and he knew you could probably feel it. The thought embarrassed and excited him at the same time. When you nipped at his waist, he couldn’t stop himself from bucking his hips. He whined when your hips met, and to his surprise, you began to rock your hips against his.

“Better?” You asked, smiling lightly at him.

Kazuichi felt like his brain was short circuiting. This felt more than good.

Kazuichi whimpered, gripping your shoulders desperately. He could feel that heat in his stomach rising wildly.

“S-Stop or I-I’ll-“ He cut himself off when he moaned again.

“Go ahead.” You responded, leaning down to suck and nip at his neck.

He was so close.

You bit down at the base of his neck, and Kazuichi squeezed his eyes shut as the heat pooling in his stomach finally exploded. He whimpered as his body tensed and trembled. His back arched, and he moaned your name, practically begging you not to stop, and you didn’t. You rocked your hips together through his orgasm, only stopping once he had calmed down again.

You climbed off him, and for a second, he feared you might leave, but instead, you turned back to him and held out your hand.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” You said, smiling warmly at him.

“But you didn’t-“ Kazuichi started, but you shook your head.

“I wanted this time to be about you.” You responded, smiling lovingly at him.

Kazuichi felt his heart swell. He really couldn’t have gotten luckier. He needed you to know that.

So he stood up and gave you a kiss filled with love and happiness, and when he pulled away, you gave him a dopey smile and pulled him towards the bathroom. You took a shower together. Kazuichi wanted to care for you too, so he ran a warm bath. He got in and motioned for you to join him. You climbed in and sat down, letting yourself sink back against his chest. Kazuichi got some soap and threaded his hands through your hair. After washing your hair, he picked up a cup and helped you rinse the soap away.

You smiled contentedly and returned the favor by helping him wash his hair. You got out and dried off, and you brought Kazuichi a fresh pair of clothes that he had left at your house.

You got dressed and brushed your hair and teeth. As you were walking out of the bathroom, Kazuichi moved forward, sweeping you off the ground and throwing you lightly onto the bed. You laughed joyfully, head tilted back and eyes shining.

You helped him pull the covers back, and you both climbed into bed. You immediately curled your arms around him and pulled him closer. He couldn’t stop himself from grinning at you.

“I love you so much.” He told you softly, his heart swelling with love.

You smiled back at him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. “I love you too.”

[mysoftboybensolo]

OMG! I just finished reading your reply to another anonymous reader and I want to know what you also think about Laszlo and women.When I first watched the series I thought Laszlo liked Sara, that he was attracted to her. I think that was also due to Mary's low involvement. At first I was like, "Okay, Laszlo likes brave women like Sara." (1/3)

Although when I understood that he liked Mary I was like: "Awww they are so cute together. I love them." But then in the second season I didn't know how to feel about Karen's character because I felt like it was literally watching a female version of Laszlo. (2/2)

I don't know it was weird and more than an attraction I think it was more like when you have a friend who shares the same interests as you, then you feel comfortable with that person because you can explain your craziest ideas and that person understands you and shares your enthusiasm, then you have a platonic love for that person, an idealized love and nothing more. (3/3)

Hello other anon, I am so glad you liked my previous ask. I definitely agree with you about Karen and Laszlo. They both are so similar that it felt a little weird for it to become a romantic relationship, and you honestly described it the best way, those two weirdos who share a common interest and are good friends because neither will judge the other. I wasn't too pleased with season 2's ending because it felt like it came out of nowhere, but that is also from the book. I haven't read the book to know if it is better fleshed out there, but still, it felt a little like, let's get Laszlo with someone. Karen is a good character, I don't hate her, it's just weird to see her and Laszlo be romantic with one another.

I think he liked Sara because while they were similar they were also different, they both had traumatic events dealing with their fathers and are eager to assert dominance, but unlike Laszlo, Sara understands what lines are too far and doesn't have trouble reaching people emotionally the way he does. In my opinion, if he was not going to end up with Mary and Sara not with John, I would have been happy to see Laszlo and Sara end up together, because they shared a good strong respect for one another, a platonic love that could perhaps grow more. It makes more sense to me than Karen x Laszlo.

Mary for me is my number one choice for Laszlo because, even more so than Sara, Mary is both Laszlo's counterpart as well as equal. They both had terrible childhoods, abused in a way that is downright cruel, have trouble opening up to other except to each other (a trope that I adore to be honest), and yet, while he still dwells on the past and lets it effect his future, she was able to fight back and not allow the past to control her. Laszlo often feels humbled in her presence while Mary feels empowered with him. They balanced each other out emotionally which makes them equals, despite social class and whatnot.

It really sucks that in both book and series Mary was killed off because she really was one of the rare few who saw his vulnerability and never took advantage of it, but also to still accept him and care for him. And in turn, Mary was someone that Laszlo had been willing to open himself to, I mean, that scene when they eat dinner together and he reaches for her, you can tell it took a lot of courage for him to do so and I doubt he ever tried to do so with anyone else before.

For me, Laszlo and Mary somewhat resemble what Kaz and Inej are from the Six of Crows Duology, two broken people learning to push through their traumas and find healing through each other. And they were so close, that's what makes it so damn heartbreaking for me, they were so happy, they deserved to be happy and it was taken away, why, I don't know, but it was so unfair. They deserved to be loved, after everything, they deserved that.

Thank you for your responses, anon. I enjoyed reading your responses and I hope you will enjoy mine. Take care!

[thereal-linh-cinder]

Kaz Brekker is Asexual

Because I’m ace and I say so

Happy pride month! I read the entirety of the Grishaverse books in roughly a month and I have still not recovered.

***THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE SIX OF CROWS DUOLOGY***

***this post will also talk about my asexual experience & there will be talk of some more "mature" topics.

Kaz quickly became one of my favorite fictional characters of all time, and halfway through Six of Crows I found myself thinking "ah, it’s because he’s ace. Like...explicitly ace.”

Usually, I'm not the type of person who can go back and reread just one little scene or rewatch one random episode of a tv show. I have to start from the beginning and do a full reread/rewatch, but with SoC, I would go back IN THE MIDDLE OF READING just because I loved certain parts so much. I spent an hour and a half combing through SoC and CK for the scenes that made me go "yeah lol he's ace"

It's so rare to see a relationship like Kaz & Inej (who I also think is asexual) and I just adore them so much

I've also been examining my own asexuality and reading about Kaz felt so affirming in certain ways because I see a lot of myself in him in that regard.

We'll start with the Imogen Flashback in CK. At surface level, this scene seems like "oh, typical 15ish-year-old boy figuring things out!" Most people would see this and use it to rule out the possibility of Kaz being ace, but if anything, I think that this scene just reinforces his ace-ness.

“Later, lying on his lumpy mattress in the room he shared at the Slat, Kaz had stared up at the leaky ceiling and thought of the way Imogen had smiled at him, the way her trousers sat low on her hips. She had a sidle when she walked, as if she approached everything from a little bit of an angle. He liked it. He liked her. (CK pg 415)

First of all, the amount of times that I, as an asexual, have found myself staring at the ceiling and pondering the intricacies of attraction and trying to piece together how I feel just like this...

Second, let's look at what he notices about Imogen. Her smile & her walk, things that aren't inherently sexual. If anything, this seems more like aesthetic attraction to me.

But he knew what he was expected to say, the things he was supposed to want. He did want those things, in moments, in flashes- a girl crossing the street in a cobalt dress that slid from her shoulder, a dancer moving like flames in a show on East Stave, Imogen laughing like he’d told the funniest joke in the world when he hadn't said much at all.” (CK pg 415)

This part right here.

The things he finds himself "wanting" also aren't inherently sexual. A girl's shoulder, a dancer, and a laugh.

One of the reasons I'm in a constant state of confusion is because I'll see things like, for instance, a dress strap slipping off of someone's shoulder and think "ah, that is something that an allo might find 'sexy.' Do I think that is 'sexy?' I'm not sure" and then just go on with my day.

“I can best this, he told himself. He was stronger than this sickness, stronger than the pull of the water. When he’d needed to learn the workings of a gambling hall, he’d done it. When he’d decided to educate himself on finance, he’d mastered that too.” “He would conquer this weakness the way he’d conquered everything in his path.” (CK pg 416)

This part kind of cracks me up because he has such a methodical way of looking at attraction. He has nothing to compare this feeling to, nothing to work from, so he compares sex to FINANCE. He may think that he understands, but he has nothing to relate this feeling to. He's not even sure if it is something that he himself is feeling, or something he believes that he's supposed to feel.

Most aces I know, when we go through that phase where we're convinced that we're broken and that something about us needs fixing, normally we'd immediately jump towards some sort of romantic endeavor like holding hands, kissing, going further, situations that are not ideal and that end up leaving us feeling worse than before. Obviously, Kaz is too traumatized to immediately go for things that involve contact, but I still find it slightly hilarious that instead of putting himself into a "romantic" situation to test his limits, he tests himself on a high stakes mission.

Now, let's look at his relationship with Inej.

Of course we're going to look at The Bathroom Scene.

This was another scene that my allo friend was unsure about, and even when I first read it it seemed to put a wrench in my theory. But after thinking about it, once again, the entire thing isn't inherently sexual.

“He watched that pulse, the evidence of her heart, matching his own beat for anxious beat. He saw the damp curve of her neck, the gleam of her brown skin. He wanted to...he wanted.” (CK ch 26)

“Desire coursed through him, a thousand images he’d hoarded, barely let himself imagine- the fall of her dark hair freed from its braid, his hand fitted to the lithe curve of her waist, her lips parted, whispering his name.” (CK ch 26)

“He wanted” okay, but wanted what??? Never quite specified. He ends up just planting a kiss on her neck, that's all. Simple. Not inherently sexual.

“Desire coursed through him” but desire also isn't inherently sexual. I don't want to say I'm reaching because... I don't think this is a reach. This scene is from Kaz’s POV and I’m reading it from an ace POV. Even the “images” he's imagined, just her hair out if it's braid, his hand on her waist also isn't inherently sexual. In fact, this one becomes real at the end when she falls against him when she sees her ship/parents!

“She reached for Kaz’s sleeve. She was going to fall. He had his arm around her, holding her up. Her mind split. Half of her was aware of his bare fingers on her sleeve, his dilated pupils, the brace of his body around hers.” (CK pg 528)

I just see so much of my own asexual experience in Kaz and the way he goes about things. Sometimes it's too difficult to explain, like I don't know how to tell you that the entire passage in SOC when Kaz finally talks to Inej after she wakes up from her stab wound is exactly how I feel as an asexual when I find myself 'catching feelings.'

It hasnt even been a month and I'm already rereading the books bc I loved them that much and I'm slowly finding even more little lines that make me go !!!

Kaz Brekker is asexual :)