#and ive been doing SO bad with food lately in general):

[invisible-brandy]

im gonna re: my own tags from a personal post and talk about spock at the academy utilising their kitchen like an actual person who can cook while most students eat instant noodles and synthesized food (or go out to eat - but that's expensive).

and kirk (who absolutely can not cook for shit at that age yet) smells something delicious and like a cartoon character follows that smell into the kitchen, expecting to find someone who brought in some take out, but instead it's spock quietly talking shit about the cheap pots and pans they have in there. is it illogical to talk to himself? sure. will he still do it? also sure, probably partially in vulcan too because he misses it wants to stay comfortable in his use of it. and for a few minutes jim just stands in the hallway, staring at this vulcan–their only vulcan, in fact, so he knows who he is–and he'd stand there longer admiring spock's beauty if his stomach didn't growl like it's trying to invite itself to dinner and that alerts spock and he's just standing there with a spoon in his hands awkwardly, posture like a question mark and a little red in the cheeks because of the steam from the pots.

of course jim gets to share the meal with him. and THEN amanda sends spock more cooking utensils, because spock of course in his letter (god i think spock would like hand written letters) or on their videochat says that the ones they have in the communal kitchen are trash and "it affected the quality of my meal and my dignity, mother" and amanda gets all perky eared like "your dignity? why, son, do tell me?" "im afraid ive put shame on your family recipe when i shared the meal i cooked with a human from my course."

amanda would absolutely want her baby to make friends through cooking them meals. AND and and

mccoy would also be one of the few people who can actually cook, but he's a terrible night owl, so for a bit they don't cross paths.

then, exam season hits and suddenly jim is in the kitchen at 2 am, sitting on the counter, feet swinging in the air, and he's still trying to convince spock to actually make them a meal (spock is in pajamas because he refuses to stay up too late to study "you're supposed to do during the day time, jim", but he's actually also been lying in bed and reciting material in his head because he is very illogically anxious before their first exam. he's starting to suspect some heart disease bc his heart wont calm down, but its actually just anxiety. kirk tells him that eventually). spock keeps trying to insist on something lighter, just a snack, and then bones comes in and shooes jim away from the counter so he can cook.

and spock and bones could later have joking (but with serious vibes) competitions for who can cook a meal that jim likes best (even going as far as to make the same meal and present it anonymously to jim. jim is both stressed and very happy and well fed) and of course they'd end up hanging out together outside of the communal kitchen too.

bones wouldn't be able to keep jim from perching up on top of kitchen counters or his desk, or really anywhere that he finds comfortable or sometimes even uncomfortable if it's at least a convenient place to sit and flirt with either bones or spock.

spock would get more packages from amanda and somehow they'd all end up going to the post office ("it's not that big of a package to need two humans and a vulcan to carry it, it's only some herbs" "spock, you are clearly yet to understand mothers. there are not gonna be only some herbs") and carrying the surprisingly giant box back under sudden rain. mccoy would either get splashed or just not be dressed for the weather and spock would lend him his jacket and it would be super warm and mccoy who always grows cold would kinda want to hoard it for himself, but he'd feel bad that first time.

not the next time though. they'd go out to the town and jim and bones would be drinking while spock would be trying to figure out if he likes bars or nightlife in general and bones would complain dramatically that he's cold and spock would of course lend him his jacket. spock would never see that jaket again, it's mccoy's now. (both because it's really warm and because it smells like spock)

[sanchoyo]

my dog turned 14 the other day!!! 14 years old in human years... I've had him since he was a pubby and hes 14... woaw....🥺

[uplatterme]

Hidden Urges

cw: pre-memories!wanderer, sub!wanderer, dom!reader, gender-neutral terms and pronouns but reader has a cock, jacking off, hurt/comfort (my bad), overstimulation, crying, REALLY SOFT

a/n: probably one of the best fics ive ever written ngl. might write a part two with post-memories!wanderer if y’all want it.

———

You thought you had been daydreaming at first.

You stood outside the porch of your house and were met with a man who stood in the rain looking unbothered by the whole thing. He was just there, staring into nothingness despite some parts of his clothes getting wet by the second.

You bit your cheek, walking up to him and taking his wrist with your hand.

“Come in? I have supper ready.”

It took him a while to register but he eventually agreed with your persistence.

He introduced himself as a wanderer, he said, “I’ll be out when the rain stops.”

To which you replied, “Take as long as you need.”

You gave him some spare clothes which fit on him loosely as you hung the kimono to dry inside the house. 

He was…a very pretty man. 

You served him a bowl of porridge that he refused multiple times, saying that you should just eat it instead, that you need it more than him. 

It sounded silly seeing as how thin the wanderer was.

“So, who are you really? Besides being a wanderer, I mean.”

Your question seemed to be something that he even himself couldn’t answer. He made that same face that he wore when he was in the rain, deep in thought, possibly contemplating everything that he had gone through.

After a few minutes, he opened his mouth to finally say something, only to be shut up with a spoonful of warm porridge inside his mouth.

You smiled, seeing him swallow the food even if you had to do it forcefully.

“How is it?” You asked.

“It’s good.” He answered, still stunned at how you had just spoonfed him.

“Yeah? Well, there’s more. Dig in.” 

He reluctantly took the bowl in his hands, eating the food that you had generously given to him. You were so persuasive. He wondered if you realized that you had that effect on people.

You ate with him, telling stories of your own as you worried that you had scared him off from asking too much about himself.

A thought lingered in your head as you led him to a spare room before going back to your bedroom alone.

Why was it that he never shivered under the rain?

The rain didn’t let up for days. A storm had manifested instead, meaning any kind of travel would have to be suspended.

Wanderer felt that he was intruding so much already, he could go anytime he wanted to but leaving you alone didn’t seem right.

“Are you alright?” Your hand was on his forehead, checking his temperature.

You had somehow managed to sneak up on him again, he marveled at that fact, questioning whether if you purposely did it when he was busy thinking about something.

He tensed up when you removed your hand from his skin, eager to have more of your touch.

He cursed himself in his head. That had been happening a lot lately, a growing urge inside of him that didn’t want to leave and let go of you once the rain ended.

But that’s exactly why he needed to leave, he couldn’t get too attached.

He stayed in the spare room you had given him and each time he was alone, all these questions kept attacking his head.

Was he supposed to feel this way? Should a puppet such as him have these kinds of emotions?

The longer he stayed here, the longer he felt that he wished the rain wouldn’t stop.

Everything smelt like you. The blankets, the clothes, and eventually, even him.

He stared at the problem at the center of his legs. This too, had been bothering him.

It often happened when he thought about you, or whenever you touched him for too long.

He bit his lip, careful to not let any sound slip. Although these days, he wanted you to hear. To find him like this, all sensitive and spread out just to see your reaction.

Would you have shamed him and kicked him out of the house for this? Or, would you have praised him, telling him how much of a good job he was making?

His hand gripped his cock, imagining that it was you doing this to him. He sang your name softly, fingers now traveling to his tip, using the white liquid that had oozed out as a lubricant.

He continued pumping himself underneath the blankets, smelling your scent and bringing him into a high. His legs trembled with each stroke, knowing that he’ll make a mess once again on the bed that you’d kindly given to him.

“S-Sorry… I can’t help it—” He chanted apologies and came into his hand, his cum splattering to his thighs. 

He needed to leave as soon as possible.

Unbeknownst to your guest, you too, were having a problem.

Your lip has been bruising with how many times you’ve been biting it.

You’re appreciative that you have a pretty temporary roommate like him, but he’d been driving you insane.

Like right now.

He’d been helping you out with dinners lately but with him being inexperienced, he tended to do things in a very questionable way. 

For example, having cream splatter directly on his cheek while he whipped a batch. Or, bending his body against the counter to reach the spatula that’s on the other side instead of just asking for it.

It had your mind going through things that it shouldn’t. Such as imagining the said guest on top of you, taking you in as he tries his best to please you, asking you whether he’s doing it right. And worse, that’s probably the tamest thing you could think of right now, the others you’ve daydreamed about are ten times worse.

Has his shorts ever been that short?

You didn’t want to take advantage of him, seeing as he would do whatever you asked no matter how weird they may be. 

You tried it once, asking him to fetch three blades of grass from the backyard and what do you know, he actually did it.

He seemed to think that he owed you, which isn’t really the case since you just wanted to help out.

What you wouldn’t give to see him gasping your name though.

“Hey, I never really asked this but would you like me to call you something?” You asked.

“Huh?” 

“Ah, well. I understand not telling me your real name but uh, I’d like to call you something like a nickname.”

“It’s up to you. I’d be fine with anything you give.”

You bit your lip again. He’s so sweet!

That being said, you didn’t know what you should call him. Wanderer, huh? Honey is a bit too much, Darling is too domestic, Sweetie seemed like you were pampering him…

Why were these nicknames all sounding like pet names for a lover?

“You said anything, right?” You reconfirmed.

He nodded.

“How about Doll, then?”

He stilled, a deep breath leaving his mouth. He seemed agitated. 

Did he not like it?

“I–Yes. That’s fine. Excuse me, I just have to get something in my room.”

He left before you could even apologize (for what?) or say a word.

That day, the rain stopped and you stopped seeing the wanderer ever since.

You tried to get it off your mind, spending time on your work or reading. 

It didn’t help. He’d disappeared and if it weren’t for your bruised lips, you’d think the whole thing was a long dream that you’d just woken out of.

You laid your back on the doorframe of his room. It wasn’t a guest room anymore, it was his now. Even if he’d never come back.

Wanderer walked and walked, trying to distract himself from you. 

The nickname hurt him and he didn’t know why. Was it because he was a puppet? He’d always been content with being one and if you had asked, he’d trusted you enough to the point that he’d tell you the truth.

Was there something he was forgetting? Something that he forgot which made him feel this hurt?

He stood outside of your house, his head leaning on the door, hand on the doorknob, when he heard a sultry voice talking.

Next, came the moaning and gasping. You were with someone else.

Get rid of them, they don’t deserve your touches. That should be for him, for his only.

His head ached.

He turned the knob slowly, walking towards your bedroom but stopped halfway through when he realized that you weren’t there.

You were in his room.

He sank to the floor, sitting there while he listened in.

“You seem aggressive.” The other voice said.

“Stop. Stop talking. Just lay there.” You replied.

“Really? How long is this going to last? All you’ve done is mark my neck and chest.”

Jealousy was all through his veins. Perhaps if he had never left, that could have been him in that bed instead of some random person.

He could hear you sigh disappointedly. 

“You won’t even kiss me on the lips. You haven’t stripped out of your clothes and it’s been an hour! I know I shouldn’t complain since I’m getting paid here but come on.”

“God, could you shut up?!” You yelled angrily.

Your voice brought shivers to the puppet. You had never gotten mad at him no matter what. Not when he broke the dishes while washing them, not when he accidentally messed up a recipe, not when he spaced out and stopped listening to your stories.

“I didn’t mean it. Doll, I—”

Silence filled the entire house. Not a word from you or the other person. Not a single breath out of the wanderer.

“Shit, I keep—” You stuttered with your words. 

“Can you just get out? Take the money with you.”

The person left without even noticing him to their left, in a hurry and understandably annoyed.

You didn’t think you’d get so desperate, hiring a person who could play his part. 

You thought you could get through it, maybe a fuck was something you needed to get it out of your system. You knew it wouldn’t work but you eventually gave in to your desires.

A shadowy figure loomed into your vision.

“I told you to get out.” 

“Are you alright?”

You brought your head up to see the wanderer looking at you with worry. Were you dreaming?

You stood up with shaking legs, running towards him to envelop him in a hug.

“You’re back.”

“I’m sorry.” He apologized.

You frowned at him, why was he apologizing?

“What? I should be the one saying sorry, I brought someone else home and called you something you didn’t like.”

“Yes, but I overreacted.” He replied.

“It did trigger you, didn’t it?”

He nodded, overwhelmed with your warmth due to being out for so long.

“Yes. But I… don’t know why.” He said with his eyes on the ground, troubled.

“I see. We’ll figure it out.” You reassured him.

“We?” He said, surprised.

“Yes.”

You crashed your lips onto his, something that you’d thought of more than you should. Your hands were on his back while you pressed his body against yours tightly.

The sudden act brought the puppet flustered to a whole new level. 

“Can I ask something?” He said, gasping for air as he separated from you.

“Hm?”

“Can you mark me like what you did with that person earlier?”

“Anything for you, love.”

The wanderer felt as if there were tons of butterflies fluttering away in his stomach. Love? 

Him? Really?

His face is pressed onto the pillows, his ass up for you, as your finger slips inside of his hole so smoothly that you’d think this isn’t the first time that he’s doing it with someone else.

He moaned loudly, fingers gripping the sheets and cum dripping onto them.

He still could feel the bruising on his chest all the way to his neck, there was more and deeper than what you did to your invited guest earlier, obviously wanting to prove to him that it’d never happen again, that it would only be him.

“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted this. Each day with you drove me positively insane.” You told him.

He cried your name, feeling another finger penetrating his walls.

“M-Me too. I’ve thought about it a bunch of times.”

You hummed pleased, removing the fingers that let out a whine from his throat. 

You flipped him over, wanting to see his perfect face, and spread his thighs away from each other.

“Can you show me? Can you show me what you do while you think about it?”

He nodded, red coloring his cheeks.

He took his right hand and started from the base of his cock, stroking it but not all the way through, leaving his own tip unsatisfied. The whole scene already had him trembling, he wanted to look away from your eyes but at the same time, he was relishing from the attention.

“Hnn—Ah~” He breathed out your name, continuing to fuck himself with his hand.

“How many times have you done this?” You questioned.

It took him a while to answer, his head mostly focusing on only the pleasure and ignoring everything else.

“A-A lot. I clean the sheets before you wake up so you don’t notice.”

“Ah, such a good boy, aren’t you?”

He whimpered from the praise, a spray of his cum coming out hastily.

“That won’t do, though. I’m kicking you out of this room.” You said, giving his thigh a pinch, his cock twitching for release.

“You’re staying in my room now. If you want to jack off, you’ll be doing it in front of me just like this…Or, there’s always the other option.” 

“W-What?” 

“You could always ask me to help you out.”

He sobbed out a pathetic noise as he finally reached his orgasm. The bed sheets were already ruined and you haven’t even taken your clothes off yet.

His attention is brought back once he heard you unbuckle his belt.

“I’m gonna make you cum with my cock, the same number of times you orgasmed in here alone.”

“Okay.” He answered, awaiting what it would be like to finally have you inside of him.

Wanderer choked on his own breath when you first penetrated him, it was much different from your fingers. He felt so full of you, each time you thrust in and out of him had his toes curling from pleasure.

He continued whimpering, tears dripping down his cheeks while you held onto his slim waist, pumping him of your length.

His first orgasm from your cock is abrupt, too quick for even him to register it as you didn’t even stop, continuing to pound even deeper and rougher. His cock limped as it juiced out his cum.

It didn’t last long as with one specific hit to his prostate, Wanderer squeaked out an embarrassing noise, his cock hard once again.

“I’m going to ruin you, love.”

“Please do—Hah~”

His body felt lifeless, thighs too tired to even shake even if they wanted to. Your hands doing all the work, whether to switch his position, or make him face you as you fucked him just to see the faces that he would make, high on the pleasure.

Perhaps it was due to his anatomy that it wasn’t hurting, though he supposed that didn’t sound too bad either.

He blushed from his own thoughts, they had been bothering him since earlier. Where were these coming from?

“Do you need me to stop?” You asked him.

“No, keep going.”

His legs were in the air, carried by you, pushing even deeper into him despite that sounding impossible. 

Wanderer teared up again feeling his next orgasm coming, he didn’t even know if he’d be able to cum, already milked out dry.

“Hnghh!” He whined out, proven wrong when you used your other hand, palming his tip.

He came for the last time, exhausted and empty as you pulled out. 

“Should we take a bath together?”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to go there.” He panted, laughing at his situation.

He was covered with his own excretions and yet he looked just as lovely.

“Nonsense! I’ll carry you!”

“Alright then, love.” He returned the nickname, tugging at your heart and bringing you to a smile.

You two did spend more time in the bath than you expected though.

Oops.

[writerblue275]

hi i love ur work so much and ive been racking up the courage to try and make a request so here we go. uhm. can you do maybe an irritated/upset!reader and how the heartsteel boys would comfort them? or vice versa with them being upset and the best way to comfort them/reader trying to comfort them.. idk loll. (ily again btw ur works giv me life)

Hello sweet Anon!! I’m so happy you enjoy my work! Thank you for the lovely words, they mean a lot to me. And thank you for requesting!! I totally get it. I’m a very anxious person so I definitely have to work up the courage to request or comment on stuff. But I promise I don’t bite (like 99.999999% of the time)!💙

How Heartsteel would comfort an upset/frustrated reader

Inspiration: So I know I said I’d work on requests generally in the order they’re sent, but I was literally in the process of doing basically this as a non-requested WiP. Because lately life has been TRYING. ME. 🙃 (I will neither confirm nor deny having multiple stress cries in my car the past week.) So even though this is my newest request, since I was already working on something like this, I might as well combine the two. I think I’ll just keep this to them comforting the reader, but I like the idea of doing a separate one where reader comforts the Heartsteel members. Also listen, I absolutely love me a good comfort moment. I melt.

Genre: Headcanon (with some fake texts??? Trying something a little new here.)

Type: A bit angsty just because you’re upset, but fluff because comfort.

Gender: Gender Neutral Reader!

TW: General hurt/comfort. Mentions of a no good very bad day/week for reader. Swearing.

Aphelios

I think Aphelios would actually do comfort pretty damn well. He’s also used to being stressed and tired and upset about things (because let’s be real he works so hard. Too hard sometimes) so he’d be great to turn to.

One thing I think Phel would do, if you do visit him in his studio, is play music to distract your mind a bit from whatever has you so upset. Now this might be through a file he’s already recorded on his computer and sent to Yone to be mixed. However, he also just has a shit ton of different instruments in his work space.

So pick one for him to play and he’s happy to do so. You get like a mini concert from an instrumental prodigy! Or even better, pick one that you want to try! He’s happy to teach you some basics on how to play it.

And it doesn’t matter how badly you might sound as you attempt to play an instrument for the first time, Phel’s nodding and clapping as if you just finished giving an incredible performance. Every time. Because he supports you. (Though he will use some very very light teasing occasionally, but he’s joking.)

And he’d definitely order some food in and cuddle or nap with you on his studio couch (which is so mind-blowingly comfortable for some reason). And once you are eating and settled together and in a better mood, then he’d ask if you want to talk about things.

And you don’t have to. He’s happy to continue to keep your mind on happier things. Phel also has a couple gaming consoles hooked up to a tv that you can play with him/watch him play. But he’s also happy to just let you talk and get everything off your chest. (He’s just so supportive oh my god.)

Ezreal

(I enjoyed getting to break out a little millennial/Gen-Z slang here lmao.)

If Ezreal has one goal in your relationship, it’s to try and make you smile as much as possible. He hates seeing you upset or frustrated about something. And he will do anything to help get the smile he adores back on your face.

So when you do come to him upset about something, his internal alarm is just going bonkers. DEFCON 1 level shit. 🚨🚨🚨

If you want comfort? Ezreal’s going to give it to you. He already loves cuddling you so you can have all the therapeutic cuddles your heart desires with him (god bless his love language of physical touch). And he’s more than happy to play with your hair or do whatever actions help you relax the most.

You wouldn’t even have to ask him, he’d already have your favorite comfort food ordered and he’d go pick it up (or have it delivered). He fully know your order by heart.

Builds the BEST pillow forts to unwind in. Truly an expert. Ezreal even decorates it a little bit with some of your favorite comfort things. And as his texts said, pick anything you want to watch. Whether that is a movie, show, gaming streamer, him gaming, it DOES. NOT. MATTER. It’s all up to you. Also if you want him to sing to you he absolutely will, no question. (Can you imagine? HEAVEN!)

He’d let you take the lead on whether or not you want to tell him what has you so upset. He knows stewing in your emotions isn’t always productive, but sometimes talking about things when they’re so fresh in your mind can make the feelings more intense. And while he’s not the go-to guy for advice, he’s an excellent listener. As long as he can play with your hands or hair or something, he’s fully tuned in, letting you get everything off your chest.

He’s such a great example of golden retriever boyfriend, and if golden retrievers are good at anything, it’s comfort and making people happy. So don’t you worry, Ez will have you smiling again in no time.

Kayn

So when it comes to Kayn, comfort is very interesting to think about. Definitely feel like he approaches comfort differently from, say, Ezreal, but he has his own special ways of supporting you and helping you reach a better mindset.

If he can tell you’re frustrated or angry or the type of upset that requires a little bit of rage release, he’s fully on board to go to a rage room with you so you can get out everything you’re feeling in a controlled and safe environment.

And you absolutely know Kayn’s cheering you on the entire time. “FUCK yeah baby! Show that wine bottle who’s boss!” Or “That’s it, Sexy. Work has been driving you nuts right? Take it out on this shitty copier. Fuck it up!” Or *softball pitches a vase to you while you’re standing at-bat*

He’s fully supportive. And if expressing your feelings requires more of an artistic approach, that works for him too. He has a small room that has been turned into an art studio where he goes to practice his graffiti (in a way that’s legal) and he would gladly let you use it. Or he’ll let you play with his guitars if you want. (You’re one of the VERY FEW who can. You, Phel, and Yone.)

And if you just need to talk out your feelings, Kayn’s going to be there to listen, only interjecting if he has questions or if he’s commenting something supportive. “Of course you’re upset, baby. That’s bullshit and would piss me off too!”

And his love language (giving) is physical touch. So if you just want him to hold you while you cry, he can do that. And physical touch doesn’t just mean holding you. Like his hands would just be gently wandering. Nothing suggestive necessarily, but just reassuring. Like rubbing your back or your arms. Playing with your hair. Stuff like that.

It absolutely breaks Kayn’s heart to see you cry. He will do anything to keep you from crying/make you feel better when you are upset. (Again 🤫🤫🤫🤫 don’t tell anyone but he’s a huge softie for you!)

K’Sante

As mentioned in previous headcanons K’Sante gives off the vibes of someone who is just amazing to talk to. And that absolutely applies when it comes to helping you feel better when you’re upset.

Just an absolutely incredible listener. Vent as much as you want to him. He’ll listen to every single word you say. And when I say listen, I mean fully tuned in. You have his undivided attention. (How could he give his partner any less??? He couldn’t, is the answer.)

And if you ask K’Sante for advice? He’s offering you sincere and thought out advice. He truly wants to help you, always.

Now beyond talking, he can also make a mean meal in the kitchen (even if Sett is the official best cook). So you’re going to enjoy some really excellent food. Either your favorite or one of his favorite comfort foods. And that’s never a bad thing.

You’re also receiving some prime cuddles. Have you seen K’Sante??? He loves holding you. And leaning against that broad chest while his arms wrap around you seems like a great way to feel better.

Oh and even better? He will absolutely sing for you if you ask. (Which bestie…how could you not??) His voice is so lovely too. And he will sing any song you want him to. (Though he definitely already knows your favorites that he can pull out if you don’t feel like picking anything/making decisions.)

K’Sante is just someone who would be amazing at comforting you. He’ll go the extra mile in helping you feel better and making sure you know he’s always got your back.

Sett

Sett would be phenomenal at comforting you when you’re upset. He loves to see you smile and will do anything to help bring a smile back to your beautiful face. (Remember his love language is acts of service).

He’d make your favorite comfort food. And hell even that would go a long way in helping you. He cooks with so much love.

And the CUDDLES. Oh my god cuddles with Sett would be 😩👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻. He’s so soft with the people he loves. And he loves YOU.

He’d pull you into his lap, wrap those lovely arms around you, and let you get comfy. And only when he can hear your breathing level out and feel you relax in his arms would he ask about what has you so upset.

And as you’re talking Sett would give you the gentlest little forehead/to-of-the-head kisses and rub your back and stuff. And he’d be such an excellent listener. He’d let you unburden yourself first before talking. He’d also ask if you just want comfort or if you want his advice. He realizes sometimes we all just need someone to listen while we vent and we don’t necessarily need people to give advice. And he respects what you want.

And if you’re ever angry/frustrated-upset, he’d offer to grab his boxing training pads and let you safely hit out your anger. He knows how cathartic that can be. And if you take him up on that, he’s cheering you on the whole way. (Such a hype man.)

And after dinner, he’d give you a couple options. Bath? Massage? More cuddles? Whatever you want, you get. Sett will take care of everything.

Yone

(A/N: The amount of time I spent trying to come up with a better contact name for him…but he’s just so 🥰.)

Yone would be EXCELLENT to turn to when you’re upset. There’s no one who understands work stress more than him (if that’s the problem), and he has all the tools to help you feel better, whatever the issue is.

One of the things Yone is best at is calming you down. Something about his vibe is just very grounding, which is super important when your emotions are running high.

He is absolutely someone who meditates regularly/uses incense and such. (He would have killed his band members by now if he didn’t.) So when you either come to him or call him and he can tell you’re upset/frustrated, I think he’d first do some breathing exercises with you to help settle you down and help you get your emotions back to a more manageable place.

If you’re with him in person, he’d light some of your favorite incense that he always has stocked for you and pull you down to sit in his lap so he can hold you. Because he knows you feel better when he does.

Once Yone can tell you’re in a much calmer state of mind, only then would he ask if you want to talk about things. And he’s truly leaving that up to you.

And once you’ve cuddled for a little bit, and finished talking if you do end up telling him, then he’ll definitely just keep you on his lap and work with you there. He knows you love watching him work on music. He’ll pass you your own set of headphones that he has plugged into a splitter, so you can hear what he’s doing. He’ll even ask for your input. (Nothing too technical unless you have a musical background, but more so “Which of these sounds better, my love?” Or “What do you think, baby? Instrumentals too busy?”) He also gives you the occasional forehead kiss while he works, and those are the BEST.

Yone just gives off such a peaceful vibe (when he’s not stressed by his band members), and that sort of energy is perfect to be around when you’re upset and you need comfort.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed. This really helped me feel better I must say. Thank you Anon for requesting this too, and I hope I did your request justice! 💙

[jesterofcringe]

hellooo!! It is I, the totally not suspicious anon❗️❗️ may I humbly request Caregiver Lottie helping a little one who has tantrums? Throwing toys in such. Maybe because reader has to go to bed? ty!!!!!!!! :3

Cranky Kiddo Caregiver!Lottie x Little!Reader

anon i could not be happier to write this for you ive been having the craziest cg!lottie brainrot omfg :3 also again sorry this took forever,, finals and everything but im finally done!! so fics will prob come out faster from now on 😋 ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────

★You had a bit of a tendency to bottle up your emotions. It was a huge problem and you knew that. You honestly were working on it because you hated when you had your mini outbursts, but you couldn't help but to have a little tantrum from time to time. 'One step forward, three steps back' you called it though 'gradual progression' was the term Lottie liked to use for it instead.

★You were really happy to have her. She was so patient and calm anytime you had one of your little meltdowns. You always anticipated anger that never came, instead being greeted by gentle words and soft hands.

★One of your strategies for tackling your frustration was coloring. To be fair, it wasn't exactly your idea, more of Lottie's suggestion. Whenever you had a crappy day you drifted off and drew a little picture until your frustrations melted away with the crayon you dragged across the page.

★"Can you come to the table and finish eating please? You can play after."

★Of course, you didn't really like discussing when you had a bad day, so it wasn't Lottie's fault that she didn't know that's what you were doing as she called you to come eat. But that didn't matter because you were little, and frustrated, and holding a box of crayons.

★"Darling? Your food is getting cold-"

★One simple request. Lottie had given you one simple request. And for that you decided it was appropriate to introduce her face to the box of crayons you had in your hands.

★She didn't have nearly enough time to react as you chucked it at her. She brought her hand up to block her face too late as the box exploded like a firework, crayons scattering every which way. She stood a bit shocked for a brief pause, before sighing heavily and pinching the bridge of her nose with her index finger and thumb.

★You were fully prepared for her to be angry, but instead her expression softened and she sat on the ground to meet your eye level.

★"Rough day today, huh?" You didn't respond, but she nodded with understanding as if you had, "You still need to eat love, you might feel better when you do-"

★"I don't wanna!"

★Lottie hummed for a moment, considering this, "You can eat in here if you like?"

★"I..."

★"Just have to be careful, you don't wanna mess up you're drawing. It looks so good so far :)"

★You immediately softened up at her compliment, "You think so?"

★"Of course!" She stood up, ruffling your hair as she did, "I'm gonna get your food, stay here ok?"

★Lottie always knew the right words to help you settle down when you got yourself a little worked up. And it wasn't always her words, it was in her actions too. She knew all the right buttons to push to get you to settle down, even when you were being obnoxiously stubborn and absolutely refusing to let her in.

★"Baby c'mon, a quick bath won't kill you."

★You were less moody, more absolutely determined to not get in the bath. You knew what a bath meant; it meant settling down for the night, which meant bedtime. You were not a fan of bedtime, not when you had so many important things to do, like play with your stuffies and finish watching bluey.

★"Five more minutes."

★"You've been saying that for the part forty five."

It was like a verbal tug of war, with Lottie trying to convince you to go, and you asking for another five minutes. You knew you were winning based on how her eyelids drew heavy and she started to yawn more and more frequently. She was a sleepy person in general, let alone how late it was. If you could just keep this up, she was bound to pass out and leave you to do your own thing.

★"Darling I promise it will be fast-"

★"Nooooooo."

★"Baby,"

★"No!"

★She grumbled, and you could tell you were getting to her, "Don't be a brat-"

★ D:< "Don't call me that!"

★You hated being called a brat, and in her sleepy haze she must've forgotten that. Or maybe she decided to try name calling in an attempt to get a leg above you. Either way, you didn't appreciate it.

★You pouted and turned away from her to break eye contact. Although, after a short beat, something floated through your field of vison. A bubble, gently drifted past you. Your eyes grew wide as you watched it float past, more bubbles parading behind it. You pawed at them, grinning to yourself as they popped, before turning around to locate their source. You aren't quite sure why you were so surprised to see it was Lottie, but you reached out and gestured for her to give you the bottle.

★"Oh, you want these?" you nodded quickly, and she kind of giggled to herself, "You can have them... in the bath."

★The BETRAYAL.

★You turned to look away from her again, as more bubbles gently floated past, some popping on your skin and leaving little wet circles as reminders.

★You wanted them so badly.

★You tried to take the bottle from her, but she jerked her arm up and held them where you couldn't reach. You whined and tried to pull her arm down.

★"Darling these are all yours the second you get in the bath."

★Another thing you hated was letting her win, but you kind of had to admit, the bubbles sort of took priority here.

★"...fine >:("

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

ive been vegan for about 3.5 years, but not everyone in my community is. I'm also a talented cook. i was asked to cook dinner for 8 people, which I was happy to do, I like cooking, I'm good at it. I clarified that if I was cooking the dinner, it would be a vegan meal, I don't cook with animal products, and asked if they were fine with that; everyone in the conversation said that was fine.

So I made a big ol' 12-inch shepherd's pie; it took me like 2-3 hours because i did the whole shebang, i made homemade gravy, boiled and mashed the taters by hand, and seasoned and slow cooked the tvp filling in a cast iron pan to try and give it a really authentic vibe despite not having animal meat in it.

one of the people i was feeding found out late in the process that there wouldn't be animal products in the food and got kind of fussy with me about it, started walking back into the kitchen to start arguments about veganism, which i kept just shutting down out of hand with statements like "i'm busy cooking, please stay out of the kitchen if you're not helping" and "i don't want to argue about this right now," I just didn't engage with them. I don't like arguing. They were pretty persistent and at one point i had to set a hard boundary with "I do not like arguing. if you keep coming back here to pick fights with me I'm just going to leave." fortunately they didn't live at that house, so we were both guests, and the hosts (who invited me over to cook dinner for them) asked them to stop bothering me.

so the pie is done and cooling, people think it smells good, they're asking how long it has to cool before we can eat it. the person in question then starts rifling through the fridge looking for something, can't find it, and then asks one of the hosts if they can borrow a car to go to the store and get some "real food" to add to the pie, I asked what they meant and they said they wanted to put some sliced ham and shredded cheese on it. It was at this point that I got pretty angry with them, i don't remember everything i said but the main thing i said were "i didn't cook you a gourmet meal for 3 fucking hours for you to put a slimy piece of grocery store ham on it, if you don't want to eat it like i made it then I won't give you any!"

So, they objected to my tone, and to the way i was policing how they ate food, and that i was forcing them to eat vegan. i objected to their general vibe and aggressiveness toward me, and I was offended as a chef that they wanted to add sliced grocery store ham and shitty shredded cheese to my fully homemade gourmet food, but I was also definitely annoyed as a vegan that they wouldn't even try it without adding meat to it. I didn't really feel like their objections to my tone and attitude were justified because this person had spent a good chunk of the evening going out of their way to start shit with me, and I had clearly lost my patience by the end of it, they didn't feel like I was justified in threatening to withhold dinner from them under any circumstances, as I had not paid for the ingredients (the hosts did) and it was not my home (it wasn't theirs either).

ok so, i feel like up until now i pretty clearly wasn't acting thaaaaat out of pocket, i think i could have been nicer but i mean... i was pretty angry and tired at this point. The reason im asking if i was the asshole is because, this person also cited withholding dinner as an abuse tactic that bad parents use and tried to paint me like an abuser, saying this was the same shit their parents would do to them growing up that gave them an eating disorder. I didn't know any of that, hadn't really considered that i could be triggering someone in this way. But also, I'm not this person's parents, and they were being pretty rude to me all night. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[alyimoss]

Yeah I'm also new to tumblr that's why I'm doing this (re: starlo dad ask a few days ago)

Also do you have starlo hcs

lmao welcome to tumblr

and yeah ig but theyre not rlly?? idk substantial?? its been a while since i was insane abt uty, ive been meaning to replay it but stuffs been getting in the way.

anyway heres a couple

i think hes a good cook. i like the thought of him teaching ceroba how to cook, too (she almost set the kitchen on fire, they yelled about it in fear, had a couple drinks, then almost set the kitchen on fire again and yelled abt it). he also is the one cooking for the rest of the feisty five more often than not (they others are mostly ok at cooking tho. ed's really good, but struggles sometimes bc his hands are too big to be able to properly use certain utensils and appliances. moray is also a pretty good cook and help ed out a lot. they make a great team. ace is alright, can definitely follow a recipe, and is really good abt finding ones the rest really like. mooch.. mooch wouldnt go hungry if she lived alone. but shes generally not allowed to cook. has a no-bake dessert everyone loves though, she makes it on holidays and special occasions and to bribe the others)

this isnt my hc but i dont remember who i first heard it from but i loooove the hc that star glows when hes flustered. i think when he first started crushing on ceroba and theyd have sleepovers, hed just start glowing at times and shed throw pillows at his face telling him to stop bc she couldnt sleep

on that note, consider the bunk bed in his room. him and orion definitely shared. and orion definitely dreaded ceroba sleeping over bc her and star would share a bed and stay up late joking around and playing and talking and whatnot and hed often have to get up and just leave to go sleep on the couch or with their parents. they got into arguments about this.

he runs warm. dont hold his hand unless you wanna get sweaty.

in the case of clover lives/dadlo, hes the last one to know that clover thinks of him as a father figure. everyone else knows, either through observation or clover accidentally calling him dad in front of them or them just admitting they think of him as their dad. star probably learns of this via ceroba or dina or one of the five or someone telling him "you know clover thinks of you as a father figure, right?" and he bluescreens about it

im not like. the biggest corn yaoi shipper ever, but i think its cute (and the name makes me laugh), and i think dalv confesses first. theyre in some fancy restaurant or something and star asks "so, what'd you call me here for?" and to that dalv responds by just blurting out that he thinks hes in love with him. and star immediately chokes on his food bad enough he needs medical attention.

so ceroba mentions in-game that living w the feisty five is a bit of a nightmare bc of the sleeping and the fact that everyone has some kinda problem that specifically makes it hard for her to fall asleep. i think star is actually pretty normal in terms of sleep. might snore lightly if hes in an uncomortable position, but overall just quiet. the rest of the five dont fare so well. ed's got it best, he just snores. loudly, but everyone other than ceroba is just kinda fine w it. moray grinds their teeth and needs to be restrained or theyll end up halfway across the room from where they fell asleep. or farther. ace sleepwalks and talks. ceroba once woke up to him eating the berries off the plant on the dresser by her bed. still asleep. mooch also grinds her teeth and "sleep steals", aka waits for everyone else to fall asleep so she can go through their stuff. star, despite being able to sleep through everything else, somehow has a 6th sense for her or something, because he very consistently wakes up to catch her red-handed and chew her out

thats all i rlly got lmao

[angabby-zzz]

orchid + tulip + buttercup !!

cropping it cuz i didnt realize itd b so long

orchid: biggest fears

ok so like obvie theres their fatal flaws? which kinda play into it cuz like... gabby and her fear of just kinda experiencing unwanted like. situations n stuff. and angels just like. general anxiety n cowardice. like idk all three of them do have pretty bad anxiety during p1 so ....

but other than that i think ummm

gabby -> heights / the dark?

angel -> (big) dogs / bugs

jade -> the dark? tbh i cant rlly think of anything im too sure of rn. i dont think she would be an anti bug type girl? ... maybe like... idk... needles.... sharp things... sad i need to think about this ...

tulip: if you could say / do one thing to ur oc what would u do

this is like... imagined in current times? no age differences idk

gabby -> lowkey id be so afraid to talk to her so maybe id just like give her a pc or something 😭😭😭 or like ask her to sigh my yearbook since we go to the same school LOL.... very distant friendly stuff.. maybe work on a school project with her but im not too sure how well we would get along with that?

angel -> i joke about having a crush on him all the time but i fear it would come true if we went to the same school and i see him around. i think id like... ask him about hobbies ... or like share my school supplies with him to try and get him to like me .. (how tragic it would be afterwards though 😭😭😭🤧).... or just like cheer him on as hes skateboarding rlly badly or playing some game

jade -> bro tbh im not sure but if i were brave enough id let her keep some of my crafts stuff Hahahaha 😭 or if i met her pre-p1 id steal her necklace and put that thing AWAY bro. the trash or something. that will not be our problem anymore 😤 (though how would this affect everything after.... is jag not a thing.... if it wouldnt be then ignore this idea.) idk what we would rlly talk about. ig id have like a chill library hangout w her or smth

these are not very cool or anything Lolll

buttercup: weird odd etc habits

gabby -> i mentioned earlier a silly scene where she references talking to herself / her possessions so if i do decide to make that canon then i think maybe the fact that she talks to her chan pc sometimes. or like... what are weird habits... i need to think about this more with everyone though ive been like. adding this to a list of things ive gotta do for them lately

angel -> idk how odd it is cuz idk how most ppl sleep but when he goes to bed hes like a PLANK. on his stomach. legs straight. arms to his side. also more funny than weird but he does that thing where jonah will ask him to do smth and he'll say No but then do it anyway.

jade -> going with how she collects things i think she'd be the type to have a pet rock. and like make furniture and a house for it. not really a habit but idk. also maybe that she talks to ants / small bugs like theyre these little guys. like people or something. just as she like sits on the ground watching them. and she gets excited when they do anything and she'll put obstacles or food in their way to see how they react. a little movie of sorts

[sistermp3old]

okay personal rant incoming i just need to get it off my chest, not expecting a reply or anything

one of my friends told me a couple of days ago that basically she feels like ive been sort of negative in the way i interact w her, and that she feels like i talk down to her. and ive thought about it so much and i feel like shit about it.

but ive also just realized that the both of us distanced a bit from each other and she did it bc of that and ive done it bc ive felt sort of the same from her? but i just sort of put it off as our vibes being different and that we just needed a bit of space from each other cause she was sort of hurting my feelings w things she said and i felt like i became the butt of every single joke?

so i think maybe we're both more sensitive than we've, like, understood each other as, and therefore the tone has become bad. and im definitely not taking away from my part of it im so sad that ive made her feel like that i hate that ive made her feel like that.

so idk if im gonna like try and talk to her again about it, cause she sort of sprung it on me and i just apologized like several times over cause ofc. but i always need like 72 hours to think about things to know what i feel and to understand, so now ik how i feel about it more i think, and understand maybe a bit why it has become like it has?

cause ik she brought it up to make it better and i feel like it won't be better if i don't speak my mind as well? but at the same time i don't want her to think im just trying to shed the blame and make her feel like im not taking responsibility for how she's felt.

it's also just so messy and awkward cause we live together and idk ive been depressed as shit lately so a part of what she said just felt like she was talking about me being negative in general as a person and it's just like, i understand but im also just doing my best and trying to put food in my body im sorry that there's been a negative vibe to me, the other stuff i feel bad about but just my energy like being low and not having it in me to joke around i feel like i shouldn't have to apologize for idk

[rianafying]

this is not necessarily a happy journal entry but

i’ve had a lot of happy moments lately. and relief. also chaos but that’s nothing unusual, the happiness is. noticed something that made me upset just now. also opened bumble god knows why. i know fully well i don’t want to date, and yet, i opened bumble. it’s not like i have time to kill. in fact, i have no time. there’s so much stuff i’m meant to be doing. i just added a whole bunch of stuff to my master to do list. here comes the hyperventilation. i prayed the other day. i felt so bad that i prayed. can yall imagine how much anxiety it takes to get to a point where i genuinely broke down enough to beg god for help? but it means something. it means i have hope. it means i want things to get better. it means i feel it’s worth it. this is a start contrast to my indifference and disinterest in living last year. things are different now. i am different. nothing changes. everything changes. it feels like a cycle but also there’s something new about it. everytime i regain my will to life. you can’t force these things. it has a mind of its own. also going back to bumble, it’s such a waste of time for me and also it makes me feel a few things: 1) like dating is so strange, i don’t have it in me to do the whole ritual, it’s not organic, it feels forced, and superficial, it’s not for me, not for who i am right now. 2) it makes me think about aspects of myself that i have struggled a lot to make peace with, such as my appearance, my personality etc through the lens of others, like why would i ever subject myself to such torment, when i know i hate being perceived 3) i am too impatient and disinterested to send the first message or to wait for a response and then to carry on a conversation. there’s more points but ill just keep rambling for eternity. why am i even saying all this, why am i thinking so much about it, clearly this has struck something in me, since i feel so strongly about it and am desperately trying to make sense of it. the thing is. i like who i am. i like how things are going. that is not something i can say like ever. but can now. and i’m doing fine. and i do have the time. to be silly. to waste some. i don’t actually have to do the things, i just want to do them. and a break is never long enough to do everything i ever wanted to do. instead i’ll focus on the progress i’ve made, which is anything but little. i should be and i am extremely proud of myself. oh funny thing happened the other day, i accidentally splashed boiling water onto my face and chest when trying to break a bone in my stockpot. and i gave myself a pretty nasty burn that covers more than half my face. the left side. my left. your right. the side with the mole. anyway, so i dealt with it, i’ve been told to avoid exposing my face to the sun or heat in general. so ive been eating a lot of cold foods. and coincidentally watching that episode on gilmore girls where the dragonfly inn catches fire, and sookie can’t use the stoves until the insurance company pays for the contractor to fix them and she lists cold foods, all types of salads and carpaccios. i don’t eat raw meat/fish and i’m over my salad craze. i’m craving a hot roast chicken sandwich with cold tomatoes and zesty mayo on toasted brioche buns. the way i make it. i’m rlly hungry. and there is this lingering melancholy that just grows if i don’t address it every now and then.

for someone who is absolutely terrible at writing, i sure do write a lot. and this is technically writing. right?

even though things are better, i’m not yet okay. my mind still spins too fast. nothing sticks. i’m in distress because my friends are distress. how can we actually be happy if the ones we love are not. so many people so many attachments. it’s been a while since i’ve even had the mental capacity to care for others. i’m hungry as fuck. something is off, something feels bad. is it my hunger. is it my messed up sleep schedule. is it my perpetually cluttered room. is it the pressure of expectations. is it my godawful health, mental or physical. is it eternal.

i can’t fix everything. i can’t fix anything really. i can’t fix things at a rate fast enough to keep up with the pace of destruction. in this life there is too much to fight against. but also too much to fight for. at least i can take solace in the fact that it ends. which is not so much a fact to me as it is a hope. god forbid the heavens exist. i couldn’t take another minute of being, after i have been so relentlessly my whole life. i’m hungry. i’m scared. i’m hopeful. i’m apprehensive. always anticipating danger but never quite ready for it. nothing is ever right enough. except when i find a bit of poetry that changes the fabric of my being. maybe i just need to be receptive in case some poetry finds its way to little old me.

[facade]

art vent, kind of makes me look like a shallow person

FOR clarification i'm 20. turning 21 in two months. yippee! what an eye opener

the point of trying to profit your art, especially using your art to help fund for survival since you were 11 - you realize that while you want to improve your art for yourself, you're so consciously aware of what parts would appeal to strangers who see your art.

because you don't want to appeal to others to enjoy your art, you want to appeal to others to garner money and funds. i've ebegged on this site for almost a decade, on so many different accounts and even used my art as much as i could to get even more money. to pay bills, to pay for food, to help my mother in medical emergencies. since i was only 11 years old, by the way. a lot of the time, while it is a huge part of my reason to keep improving -- i don't actually think of reasons such as improving my art because 'i want to go to college' 'i want to be better' as much as my main reason being: i want this to sell to people.

that being said, my art style is something im so happy with right now for myself. but i think like. you have to really make your art your signature. that way, people will want to buy what you can give them. but algorithm is just, so hard to fight with now. the heartbreaking part is that, even if i'm at my 'peak' in art.

and my art has always been my one consistent interest, thats never faded. it's apart of my daily life. my routine, my medicine, my hobby, my enjoyment. i need this to live in many different ways. whether it be for providing my funds via commissions, coping art for trauma, or generally to express my happiness for things in my head, etc. i need this hobby or i will die. its the one skill ive had my entire life thats stuck, and its something i'm *good* at. and i've kept up with it to this day.

my art looks consistently good. flattering. i would say at some points it feels.. professional, sometimes. i am consistently proud and satisfied with my art and haven't struggled on pieces as much as i used to several years ago. it took me 2 months to come up with illustrations. now ive been pumping them out with ease. commissions are so much faster. quicker. ive really upgraded. i'm efficient, quick, and my stylization journey has been amazing.

yet..

this has been the hardest i've ever fucking struggled to make money, ever. since i was 11 years old. i've never.. had so much difficulty. i feel spoiled, honestly, when i know so many other artists struggle filling commissions too. but i've always had good fortune, i guess. good luck. but not since the year began. it's been so hard to fill in requests, so hard to fill slots. even when my prices are cheaper, it's still so hard. which is crazy, because 2 years ago i was consistently filling slots like crazy. i had consistent income, for the most part. i was able to help my family, avoid eviction, pay for water, clothes, food. emergencies like car wrecks, medical stuff -- god, its insane how much my art has helped me. it's scary. to think about what woulld happen if i didnt have this skill.

back then, like my art looked like this in 2021.

i look back and i wonder. this is fine, its definitely my art style. but how did i makee so much money off of stuff like this? so much more than i do now? i still draw fanart, and my art's been getting better. i think its honestly just bad luck, or maybe algorithm has flopped a lot of my stuff. either way, it's sort of humbling. Extremely humbling, that even with all this improvement - it still may not be enough to get me anywhere. i've never struggled before, trying to open commissions even when ive always focused on original content primarily. i know its hard to get popularity when you only draw ocs, but ive been fine for the most part. getting by, until lately.

i think i'll just have to keep working harder. see what people enjoy, but its just really ego crushingi think. And i could care less about popularity or anything. i think the really awful part is that im just stressed all the time about how i can keep making money off of this when its been so hard to even fill slots, let alone gaining peoples interests. Is this competition related? is this just a shit time for artists? am i just flopping. Who knows.. ohwell. ill survive

[justcaytlin]

How It's Going

So I figured it would be worthwhile to talk a bit about all the procedures and stuff I've been undergoing. Keep y'all in the loop, as t'were.

Background

To start, the reason I've been in and out of doctors so much lately is that I have fibromyalgia, which means my nervous system thinks every stimulus should be reported with Pain. Are you excited? Pain. Cold? Pain. Tired? Pain. Digesting? Pain! And it's always pain in weird areas. Did you use your wrist too much while you were drawing? Enjoy your left foot hurting, buddy. Or your knee. Or your temple. Quite literally, I did not know that people could be Not In Pain until a conversation with my husband a few years ago.

(Note: Fibromyalgia is not a disease so much as a bucket of symptoms with a variety of causes. One person's fibro may be very different from another's; this is how mine works.)

Generally, after years of hunting down med combos and enforcing lifestyle changes (regular sleep schedule, eating well, maintaining a schedule, etc) I had been sitting at a respectable 4/10 pain scale day-to-day, which is pretty mild all things considered.

Pain is easy to deal with. Unfortunately, fibromyalgia also comes with brainfog, where you can't remember things, and everything slips your mind constantly, and you feel like a sieve and you constantly worry you have early onset dementia. It also comes with chronic fatigue, much like when you have the flu. So you get up to do something and it feels like all of the energy drains out of your muscles and you feel heavy and slow and like you want to lay down just to get enough energy to move again.

As an example, showering has been very hard on me. Usually after a shower -- a quick shower! Or even when using my shower stool! -- I am shaking and weak for up to an hour afterwards.

Reason for Going

In the last six months or so, both the brainfog and the fatigue were getting increasingly bad, so that I could barely do anything at all. I was falling behind on a lot of work-related things, I couldn't help my husband with chores or food prep hardly at all, I couldn't even deal with the energy sap of seeing people very often.

Finally, my friend was going to a research institute nearby for Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy. And I thought, man, I've been wanting to try ketamine treatment for years. I've heard it works wonders on chronic pain. I should try it.

So I did a lot of research, and I dove in.

Phase 1

I contacted the institute about their ketamine infusion therapy, which is geared toward chronic pain relief. Ketamine's underlying functions are still not completely understood, but in layman's terms, it seems to give the nervous system a chance to reset and relax, undoing a lot of that sensitivity that makes fibro so hard. This sounded amazing and like it's exactly what I need.

So I went through several intake and screening appointments. I was approved, but both doctors recommended that I was a perfect candidate for KAP -- Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy. After all, my fibro is almost guaranteed to have come from trauma: when your flight system is active 24/7 for almost a decade, it makes some fundamental changes to the wiring. Plus, I've been diving deep in therapy for the last couple of years, and it's helped a bit on the pain side as well.

But I wasn't certain the ketamine would work on me -- there's never a guarantee -- so I wanted to stick with what I signed up for, for now.

I went in for my appointment, got the IV in, laid down, and was whisked away into a nice little trip for an hour and a half or so. Sounds smeared together. I felt out of my body, yet in it. Time smeared and collapsed in on itself. I felt disrupted, but gently and kindly, taken away into another timeline. I saw lots of shapes and patterns -- subtly, on the back of the eyelids.

I went home after that, and I rested. And the next day, my pain was reduced. It felt like there was a little bit of a cushion between the pain and my senses. My energy was back! I went from "maybe I can stand long enough to cut up a tomato for dinner, I'm not sure" to "okay I've cleaned two rooms, we should be good for guests now." I wasn't 100% by any means. I still fatigue early in tasks, I still felt pain. But it's like the clock turned back months or even years. Holy shit!

Phase 2

I decided that if I was going to do this, I was going to go all in. Therapy had worked wonders before; I was gonna switch to KAP like they suggested. The doctor also suggested I try a Stellate Ganglion Block, wherein they bathe your nerves with anesthetic, which gives your sympathetic nervous system a *direct* vacation. I signed up for that too.

Unfortunately, switching to KAP meant that I needed to undergo more screenings and intakes. And the Ganglion Block also required more screenings and intakes. So my actual healing journey was put on hold for two weeks as I attended more doctor appointments.

Finally, I was able to do my first KAP appointment. You basically go into an office and get set up in a reclining chair full of blankets and pillows. They give you a special eyemask that is raised, so you can keep your eyes open if you want, but it'll be completely blacked out. You wear headphones with music playing. The doctor/therapist stays in the room with you, and if you happen to say anything during your trip, they record it. But otherwise the purpose is just you laying back and letting the medicine do its work. A nurse comes in and administers the ketamine -- for KAP it's intramuscular injection instead of IV. And then in 2-5 minutes, you'll take off. I think for me it was 1-2 minutes.

Ketamine is weird, man. The main *feeling* I take away each time is that I've jumped timelines. The person I was going in is not the same person coming out. It's always a benign feeling (so far?) but it takes you so completely out of your body, your self. Who you are dissolves for a while. It's wild. There's a big chunk of time I don't remember, and then I remember wondering who I was, what I was, what I was doing, where I was. Not fearfully, just, "huh, I should probably know this, huh". Then there was a lot of beautiful imagery of dancing in nature, vibing to the music, twirling in leaves and on lakes. Lots of imagery that is, like, hand-picked to be something I'd paint from scratch. There was some spiritual stuff too, but that's personal.

After a while, I was a tree. I had this feeling that even though part of me had rotted (the good kind of rot, somehow), I was providing lots of ecosystems for others. There was this overwhelming feeling of even though there may not be a reason for something (having fibro), we can still find meaning in it. That was valuable.

The other feeling that's still echoing through me right now is the feeling of being a seed. Like, I'm currently in incubation. There's a transformation coming but right now I'm storing all of my energy and taking in the change.

As I started coming out of it, there were two amusing things.

I could still feel parts of my body as being a tree. I was fully cognizant at this point that I was me, on ketamine, in a doctor's chair, but I was waiting out the rest of my body feeling like My Body again. Like, okay, my body ends at the elbow there, but the rest is branches. Better wait til I feel my fingers again.

I was wondering what I was supposed to do when I came around? We hadn't discussed this. Do I say something? Do I pull off my mask? Do I make a grand announcement? What if I just lay here for hours and avoid this confrontation entirely? What if I was under way longer than anyone else? #social anxiety lol What I ultimately did was I listened to the music and visualized things until it felt like the "soundtrack" was winding down and I could pick out a "credits" song. When the credits song ended, I made myself pull off my mask, and the doctor greeted me.

(One good thing about therapy, medication, and experience with social anxiety is you can feel those thoughts, but also go 'bro it'll be fine lol' and your system largely believes you.)

Anyway, after, the doctor asked me some questions about how I was feeling, what I saw or felt or experienced, etc. She took notes, then let me lay there alone for about twenty minutes to come more fully back to myself. Then she helped me waddle to the bathroom (ketamine messes with your inner ear like crazy) and took me downstairs to meet up with my friend for the ride home.

A week later, I had another appointment with the doctor to integrate everything, talk about everything I experienced or said in the sober light of day.

Phase 3

After that, I got the first Stellate Ganglion Block done. It's done in two phases, your right side and your left side. I wrote about this experience already, but I will say now, a week out from it, that this was a fucking miracle. The KAP and the IV helped a lot with energy and such but the block took my ambient pain from like a 3 to a 1-2. I genuinely wonder if this is what normal people feel like most of the time?

I can tell there's a difference between my right side (that had it done) and the left side (which hasn't been done yet). The left is far more sensitive. But, for example, my sciatic nerves are extremely sensitive to the touch, and generally if I press on them a little bit, I will legit want to cry. (I have very high pain tolerance; i would call pushing on them like an 8.5 on the scale, where 10 is when I was at the hospital for a kidney stone, screaming and crying and thrashing while I was waiting for pain meds :') )

They still hurt, but my right one is more like a 6 instead! That's HUGE. That means I can actually tolerate it long enough to roll out my nerve with the foam roller.

I'm getting my second block done tomorrow. I can't wait to see how it feels after.

Phase 4

After this week, my appointments should slow down a lot. My KAP appointments are two weeks apart, to give ample time to reflect and integrate and let my malleable brain resolidify. The downside is this is slower than I expected -- I thought it would be 1 a week -- and so I'm not positive I'll be back off hiatus on my birthday. It depends on how the next week or so goes.

Right now, I've just been hanging onto the bumper of a car speeding down Appointments Highway and I have barely had time to gather my energy enough to think about much else (besides D&D apparently lmao). By the time I'm done with KAP I will have knocked out some 20 appointments or so in a month and a half. Considering in the past I had to restrict doc appointments to 1/week due to how exhausting and hard they are for me, That Is A Lot.

But they're doing me some good. I'm incubating. I'm percolating. And soon I will sprout.

[azusaluvclub]

Hii, hope you are doing well. I was wondering if you have any jimmy bae head cannons? Thanks!

weak hero headcanons; jimmy bae

hi hi !! i do have some jimmy headcanons lined up for you :))) theyre pretty general, but i hope you enjoy !!!! and if theres anybody else you (or whoever else is reading) wants to see, lmk !!

⋆ is a suprisingly good dancer !! never took classes because his family couldn't rlly afford it, and now he doesn't have the time to commit to it, so p much everything he learned was from watching tutorials + kpop dance practices on youtube lolll :,)) he has fun w it tho !!

⋆ has a low tolerance for spicy food ;; tries to fake like he can handle it, but it's SO obvious in the way his face reddens and his nose starts running that he can't :,))) (that's how u know the food is good tbh-)

⋆ based on the fact he's a karaoke enthusiast, i 100% believe he's also a talented singer :DDD (idol material atp-) his voice is suprisingly,,, gentle, compared to how he acts ?? it's full, a little raspy from all the smoking, but overall really nice to listen to. jack keeps insisting that he should become a trainee or something and put his talents to use, but he's not so sure-

⋆ dealt w pretty bad acne in middle school;; its improved over time, and he actually does make an effort w skincare, but he still gets flare-ups here and there that he finds super annoying-

⋆ not a big fan of tv (other than the late night sketch comedys or dramas he watches w/ his granny), but he LOVES a good action film- was def into superhero comics and cartoons as a kid (still is, hes just more casual about it loll) so some of that still carries over into his current interests :))) makes it a point to drag jack w/ him to whatever action movie is currently playing, and spend the whole ride home talking about it~

⋆ speaking of,, i feel like he was the one who initially suggested getting their (bc yes it is a shared thing-) motorcycle, but jack is the one who's most invested in it (mainly because i think he would have a strong interest in bikes and cars and the like) :)) bc granny bae keeps getting on jimmy's ass about them driving it without a license, the two have been hitting the books to get theirs- they say they're doing it together, but are secretly trying to beat each other to getting one :,))))

⋆ struggles w bouts of anxiety, i feel like ?? for all his arrogance, he seems to battle w/ his confidence in himself and his position in the union (imo likely a big part of why he's got an ego, bc he's looked down on enough as is and is trying to compensate somehow- </33). a lot of his worries revolve around that, but he finds himself getting hung up over plenty of other things. doesn't usually confide in jack about this, 'cause he thinks it's dumb and irrational; but they've known each other long enough to pick up on one anothers tells, and so jack makes it a point to remind jimmy that he believes in him, even without actually saying it~ (cause what else are bffs for ???)

⋆ actually a decent student — when he applies himself lol :,)) his best subject is probably smth like phys ed, though i feel like he might be also be good at history ??? not like he actually gives a shit, i just feel like it'd be easier for him compared to other classes. worst is art ,, if that self-portrait says anything---

⋆ is trying to make it a habit to workout + take it more seriously, esp since his fight w/ doyoon. not that he didn't before, but it's given him an even stronger sense of determination to not lose again, however he has to achieve that- tries to visit the gym regularly, or do simple workout routines at home (probably has some basic dumbells and other fitness shit, fuckin' NERDDDD)

⋆ when he's passionate about something, tho, it really shows !! and it benefits him most of the time, when he puts that drive towards the right things :,)))

and thats all ive got !! lol

[wildandmoody]

Seriously the way the press starting doing a complete 180 on him into Tabloid Hell post-Thriller is just so convenient. I mean before they were praising him for being a goody two-shoes, looking and dressing modestly, and generally were fine with cornering his music into the Black music market only. But once he reinvented the short film/music video as a medium AND pushed and pushed until he was the first Black artist to be featured and circulated on MTV (and I'm certain similar music channels around the world), starting breaking chart records that only white artists had held, and had a truly universal appeal by the time he started touring for Bad, all of a sudden up jumped the bullshit.

Suddenly here came the same "he's gay/childish/virginal" fingerpointing that he had to address since fucking 1976. Here comes "he's a deviant ew" just because he started dancing and dressing more provocatively in 1987 as if musicians that same decade and before weren't also wearing buckles, O-rings and shin guards and doing god knows what on stage. By the time he spoke up about having vitiligo universalis it was too late and ppl were already saying he wanted to be white and thought he was lying. To this day ppl think that including a lot of fellow Black ppl despite his autopsy report and plenty of pics of brown flecks and spots on his skin being available. Suddenly it's "he's weirdly obsessed with kids" when he had been donating his concert proceeds directly to and visiting orphanages and hospitals since he himself was a CHILD in the jackson 5 days, and literal radio silence on campaigns he directly funded for mandela's anti-apartheid campaign, AIDS research, women's rights, gang-related issues and hundreds of other causes. And that's just on the causes that i can think of off the top of my head that we know about, because he also gave millions of dollars anonymously and directly supported many individuals by buying food and appliances and covering travel costs for them. Radio silence from the news and gp.

Andthe most damning of all as far as I'm concerned is the fact that he swallowed his pride and gave up on his Reclusive Image in the 2000s specifically so that he could call out the racist soul-crushing tendencies of the music industry, in particular Tom Motolla and Sony as a whole, and how it affected him and his Black peers. Which of course media tried to spin as a personal beef and not a race-related one. THE EXACT DAY that he was set to release one last compilation album for them and finally walk free while owning 50% of their publishings and all of his own masters (and the masters of older Black artists which he sold back to them for $1) ,and free of an oppressive music deal, up jump the allegations and now he had to fly his ass to LA to get both of his shoulders dislocated and get manhandled by the LAPD. The same day. How fucking convenient.

And look. This is not me saying that what happened to Michael was a pattern. It most certainly was not and there are plenty of truly dangerous men in power, this is a fact. I am not trying to circulate conspiracy theories but i am pointing out the shit that happened to him because of the target painted on his back. What i say in defense of Michael Jackson i say in confidence because at one point I had read every transcript , testimony, legal document available including his autopsy not because i liked him but because i needed to truly understand what the hell was going on. And ive read old newspapers and tabloids that covered him and they treated this man worse than an animal just based on how he presented himself alone. Matter of fact the name "Jacko" stems from an old British slang name for a dancing and singing boxing monkey that was popular in the 19th century, so that was based in racism too. It's just rhe Everything. And I'm also not saying that he never made mistakes or was a human person. He didn't really seem to be able to always surround himself with and trust the right people. But man oh man. Oh the Convenience.

[klapollo]

tw for calories, body image, fat shaming etc

ive been trying to eat about 2000 calories a day given the intensity of my exercise routine but given that i tend to not eat super calorie dense food this often results in me eating small meals/snacks throughout the day and as a result my mom has kind of like. taken to insinuating i'm a pig and overeating and that i dont understand nutrition and am just eating whatever i want because i exercise a little, rather than at least having a vague idea of how much i'm eating and exercising a lot.

i work out pretty heavily, usually 1.5 hours at the gym doing cardio and lifting four days a week PLUS walking a lot every day and doing an hour or so of cardio 2/3 of my days off. and today in particular i spent almost three hours at the gym -- about an hour and a half of cardio and an hour of lifting -- and also walked about 40k steps. this is not low level movement. and then i come home around 6 pm having barely eaten throughout the day prior so i try to make up so im not in TOO big of a deficit -- high volume on low calorie stuff like cruciferous vegetables, lower on denser things like carbs and fats. i dont like counting calories but i do keep a vague idea of how much im eating as i go and there's basically no way im not in a deficit. but my mom saw me eating a big dinner (a lot of broccoli + a little rice) and went on a prolonged rant about how i'm overeating and delusional

anyway this is an essay im just posting this bc she's been on this trip for a while now and it's honestly making it very hard to eat to match my activity level and it's also very upsetting. ive been feeling a lot of itches to relapse lately and general disdain for my body and it's just. bad. i hate it so much

[avtracker]

thursday, march 28, 2024

today i decided to track everything i do in my life. i couldn’t find a good app for this beyond pictures, and i wanted to do a mix of pics of what i wear, video documentation, and written accounts. tumblr will be for written accounts, at least for now?

i didn’t go to classes today, but i got today’s work done. i didn’t go because i was tired. tired of class, tired of existing, tired of having to leave my bed.

i played a lot of video games today. i played heroes of hammerwatch, overwatch 2, and civ v (liam and i convinced emily, finally).

i didn’t get dressed today.

i also drank and smoked today (although i feel like weed has been working less and less lately?). at least the alcohol worked; i got mildly tipsy. we ran out of gin so ive been drinking lots of screwdrivers when i want to drink—like 5-7 bevs—but i haven’t gotten drunk or even decently tipsy.

i don’t have much food at the house. dad is out of town, he gets back tomorrow night past midnight. sandwiches have been most of my sustenance, as well as depleting the snack supply. i don’t have any money for food, and i don’t want to use the credit card. i’ve been bad with money; not lately, just in general.

what else did i do today? not much. the gaming kept me distracted from feelings of sadness. i don’t think i’m going to school tomorrow, either, meaning id have skipped this whole week. c’est la vie

=====

anyway, why am i doing this? i don’t really know tbh. i just think it’d be nice or cool to know what i did, what i wore, and what i dreamed every day of my life. i just wish i started sooner! maybe i can analyze the data too, and recognize trends. for now tho, it’s just for fun(?)

i want to be tracking the following by my birthday, and to never. stop.

• what i wear

• what i dream

• what i do/how i feel

one last thing is i’m never gonna talk specifically about what i did the day before; obviously if im thinking about the past that’s different, if i want to comment on past events in my life, but no in-depth discussion. maybe i can make it a rule that i try to stay “in the moment” with my documentation

with all that said, i bid thee (me) adieu

- 11:00pm EST