#and its not about trans men because literally nobody was talking about you guys oh my god'

[corvidcall]

sometimes you see a bad tweet and it makes you upset all day but you cant interact with it in any way because then twitter will just be encouraged to show you more bad tweets. but it did ruin my whole fucking day

[heyyallitsbeth]

Trigger warning for self harm, eating disorder and suicide references Okay I've seen some serious stuff an uncomfortable amount in the past few weeks so i need to talk about this. A lot of men have been opening up about loneliness and this recent exposure of it has been called the "male loneliness epidemic". and ive seen a concerning amount of people talking about how its just men making themselves victims, or how theyre just incels. And guys. Guys.

Men can be victims of toxic masculinity.

The facts are, men are far more likely to commit suicide than women, as well as develop drug addictions and alcoholism. Men on average also have smaller friend groups than women. And this all stems from toxic masculinity, bottling up emotions, not being able to open yourself up to others, to make those connections and develop healthy coping mechanisms. People end up turning to drugs and self harm as a result, since they think nobody will care. And why wouldnt they think that? Society has drilled it into their heads since birth. Men are always told to tough it out, to suck it up, that tears are weakness, that boys dont cry.

I'm a trans woman, I remember distinctly all of these phrases repeated by adults, teachers, parents, friends. It's especially worse in western society like the UK and US where physical affection like hugs are far more uncommon, especially for men. I first experienced depression when i was in middle school. And despite trying to talk to parents and counselors, my condition wasn't taken seriously until I eventually had a full breakdown and passed out from not eating in highschool. Personally, I am very lucky. Two friends were able to saved me from a suicide attempt by calling me and talking me down in time. And I only reconnected with that friend due to my transition. We were able to reconcile about arguments in the past and moved forward becoming good friends. The other friend I only met because of my transition. My friend group grew when I was a girl, it was easier to be open and honest. If I was in the same spot only a few years prior, I would have been dead.

And people are making fun of these guys for opening up like this now, saying everyone is lonely, that its not a uniquely male experience. Like you do realize you are QUITE LITERALLY proving to them what they've feared, that nobody cares. And people are always saying "oh this is a trend why is this the first time people are talking about this". Maybe its because we just went through a period of isolation and that time locked in their rooms caused a spiral of depression that made them reflect on their lives? Maybe because as a whole we are experiencing a mental health crisis worldwide? Maybe because through the modern internet we've never been more connected than now?

Yes men have privileges, that doesnt mean that they dont struggle and have issues too. Their opportunities and privileges do not negate their struggles. Toxic systems hurt everyone.

Personally, I'm now doing better, although sometimes I do slip into that deep depression, but I have better ways of fighting it now. And I'm lucky to have some friends who I know truly do care, as well as a loving partner. And while they dont follow me on tumblr, I just wanted to say, Thank You to Evan and Shi.

[your-villainous-neighbour]

What'd Ayushmann do? Just curious since you used to love him

omg where to begin anon

I have immense personal beef with him alongside the actual fucked up things he's done, but perhaps that's for another day.

For now, let's talk about dream girl 2 which BLATANTLY boasts the ever-problematic man-in-a-dress trope-

I mean, sure, one can argue that's the whole point of the movie, but one look at the trailer will tell you it's so horribly and insensitively written this time around.

Dream girl 1 was about loneliness- specifically, male loneliness, and how all anyone ever wants is to be heard. And about how people would probably understand you if they're just given a chance. And contains the lines "nobody in this world is right. Some are just less wrong than others."

Dream girl 2 is quite literally about a man who dresses up as a woman to prostitute himself for money. No joke.

Oh, and it gets worse. None of the men actually know he's a guy. So it's pushing the message that he's "tricking them." It's not even subtext like that's literally the entire premise. A man dresses up as a woman to trick innocent men. For money.

It's transphobic, it's severely misogynistic, and it's somehow also fetishistic in the worst way possible. I mean the entire promo was based on sexual marketing. I hope it was all for nothing and the movie fucking bombs.

Also, Ayushmann Khurrana, who is literally geriatric at almost 40, romances a 24 year old Ananya Pandey.

And, yes, this is typical for Bollywood. But for a chucklefuck who once prided himself on being "offbeat" and "brave" and "non-mainstream" and "feminist" this is a very chucklefuck thing to do.

Keep in mind that all of this comes after Chandigarh Kare Aashiqui (which does have its flaws, but the heart and intent was definitely there), a movie that celebrated trans women and literally was created to beat the stereotypes surrounding them. For which he pretended to be a trans ally for a whole YEAR AND A HALF as part of promotions.

So the sudden switch up with dg2 is... Appalling. To say the least.

Apart from this, he also used to post regularly about social/civic issues and problems in our country, which he entirely stopped doing once his movies bombed. And, yes, nobody should be expected to do that. But keep in mind, once again, this man's entire career was built off marginalised communities. Especially the queer community. Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan caused like a 40% jump in his ig followers. I would know, because I was there.

Which led him to receive more roles in this little niche he loved so much.

The man was cocky enough to think a couple movies would change the world, let the arrogance get to his thick fucking skull, and decided tackling controversial topics won't come at a cost. (Well, newsflash, asshole! Oppression doesn't exist because marginalised people aren't trying hard enough to get their words out. It exists because it fucking exists. No amount of your mug on the big screen would have ever changed that).

He essentially went into this niche with all the wrong intentions. Not to speak up FOR queer people, women, scheduled castes, etc, but with the arrogance that he'll actually change the mind of the masses. God complex, more or less. Or saviour complex. Or both.

A few years ago, he'd made it clear that he's an actor, not an activist.

Mf forgot that himself somewhere along the way.

So, what did he do when his offbeat movies started failing back to back?

Packed up and turned his back on the very people he hollered about and celebrated himself for representing.

Went right into the cushy arms of mainstream, problematic, cringe, crass, insensitive side of Bollywood. For money.

Fucking hypocrite.

Hope all that cowardice was worth the bag.

[believerindaydreams]

GBU rewatch followup

...cleaned up, readable version, now with fewer typos and after-the-fact commentary in parentheticals. 

things I am looking out for in particular:

- how to write trios 

- everything that Angel Eyes does (less than I thought, it turns out; I was bang on the money with “Animal Magnetism” having him only exist for Meaningful Moments)

- the state of Eastwood’s hair (with the hat you don’t really notice it except in the desert scenes, when it is Absurd)

- some of that sweet, sweet Morricone music because it’s the one part of the film that no amount of clever writing will adequately evoke and I love it to pieces (still true)

let’s do this thing then

like, the opening credits are pure stylish flair. That can’t be a book. It’s gorgeous. It’s perfect for what it is. has nothing to do with translation to a 70s au but that is entirely, utterly besides the point

Tuco’s “I have a gun in one hand and a dead chicken in the other” will never not make me laugh

SPAIN: specifically the Spanish landscape and how gorgeous it looks. it all sort of runs together, appropriation and reappropriation and Spain standing in for Mexico…oh hello Angel Eyes,  you look a lot more impressive than Tuco does. Nice entrance.

Also we don’t actually know at first that he’s The Bad? He’s just wandering into frame like he could be the Good cowboy or something, it’s not the music that tells you. It’s the way that the guy’s family respond to his presence and just Go without saying anything. Something about Angel def. invokes silence. No wonder he and Blondie get on.

…like, this whole scene where he’s like “I am going to enjoy your delicious soup but stare at you“ is actually hilarious? Like he’s def. got a sense of humour- it’s just that everybody looks subdued with Tuco in the picture.

There’s a very thin divide between the tension of comedy and the tension of “is he gonna kill me” and Angel Eyes just straddles all over that line.

I like you, Man Eating Soup. Too bad you gotta die now.

…yeah, I think my characterisation of “bounty hunter who keeps his given word but has no qualms” is bang on the money.

last time I didn’t notice how Lee’s voice shifts to being more amused when he’s about to do something incredibly violent. Or how great his voice was at all. Like that was clearly a mistake, he’s great.

Tuco! *hearts* With a trio of men surrounding him in a triangle. ‘m sure that’s thematic.

Clint sounds like Rowdy but more terse.

Oh hell I love the way that we get closeups on Tuco staring at things. I love characters who stare at things in general (cf. Stargate and a team who communicate by looks), and Leone delivers there.

“how much you worth now” and Tuco’s just lol I dunno.

oh Tuco you theatrical hooligan nobody believes your absurd accusations. also geez I couldn’t write that many swears if I spent all day over it.

That is a DAMN sexy wanted poster.

Forgot about Blondie calling Tuco “known at the rat” part. Hmm. I wonder what that’s about?

I always forget how choreographed the duo’s escapes are, like it’s not just shooting a rope, there’s a lot of effort that go into those.

you smug thing Clint. you smug thing. (I assume this was just one of his wry looks past the camera, as he does a lot).

does trans! Angel Eyes in the 70s smoke a pipe. Yes. Yes he does.

“even a filthy beggar like that has got a protecting angel” oh Angel Eyes you has a crush. also a pretty good sense for a scam- are we meant to infer that Angel and Tuco used to play this game? (Also he has correctly assessed Blondie’s Divine Status or whatever it is that keeps him clear of disasters.) 

the way that Tuco jumps on the horse is just. pure sex appeal.

“sawed off runt” Blondie gets in 1 insult but it actually means something, as opposed to Tuco doing 10,000 for the sake of the audience

I see what you did there with putting “the good” on screen just after Blondie abandons Tuco to die horribly in  a desert. I see it.

yeah, I thought I remembered Tuco saving up all the really good insults for Spanish.

(now that I know that Eli’s from Brooklyn, I can’t *not* watch a performance of a deeply pissed off New Yorker who’s in this godsforsaken desert for the dosh but refuses to budge an inch on being a fast talking SOB. The rapid fire line deliveries for sure.)

had forgotten this bit about Angel slapping around a girl….

Aw, Tuco as soon as he finds water is A. drink some and B. play with it. awww you’re adorable Tuco

must go figure out what that thing Tuco wears on his hand is. also contemplate whether the 70s one wears braces.

yeah, like, “I got dumped so I’ll pull myself together and also drink this man’s crazy red liquor and take a hat cos I need a hat” that is peak Tuco right there.

no wait that wasn’t. What is is the exquisitely judged moment where he decides that the guy will probably want the liquor to drown his sorrows afterwards and leaves it.

I am very fond of the way that the war is presented as a disaster that is Happening but which none of the three leads give a __ about. The much maligned poster got that bang on the money.

everything looks so lived in, always, even though I assume they were building sets? Why can’t American westerns of the period look This Real, did they actually build houses or what

Blondie has vividly green eyes. Right then. Tuco’s are brown.

Tuco hires some backup to help him with Blondie. that’s…smart.

I think, actually, that Blodnie’s blue circle calico shirt is something he oughta wear in the 70s. It suits.

“your spurs” like a knight, ha. That’s a terrible gag, Blondie.

why is there so much blood on Tuco’s face. what was he doing to get banged up like that.

so he’s on a stool with a noose, with a gun pointed at him, and Blondie is still not acting like this is anything serious.

ohmigod I LOVE this bit with the cannon and the house collapsing. Hah. It seriously is like Blondie’s a force of nature though

Tuco tracks Blondie by favourite cigar stubs. Also smokes them after. Tempting to borrow that. (like they’re in bed together, Tuco steals his cigar, that kinda thing)

…is he. Is Tuco wearing flares in the 1860s. Yeah I think he is.

“I brought TWO guns” lol sure you did Tuco.

And Tuco winces when Shorty dies and is it like, two against one would make things too complex for him, or he’s mad that Blondie replaced him that fast, or what’s going on here that he let another man hang like that. Blondie doesn’t seem to mind much.

black horse = black car for Tuco.

Tuco mocking Blondie’s fair skin, like yeah there’s definitely a bit of a racial thing here.

“You’ll die. Very slowly, old friend.” also I have an umbrella ain’t it pretty

I think one of the reasons I glom on this film is because for all its length there is literally something happening every single minute. Like most films have dead time when I could, you know, breathe or something, but I haven’t stopped typing since I turned this on.

(the comedy sensibility there as well. You can’t have dead air when you’re writing comedy, things have to be leading somewhere. )

course at the moment the point is “look at this very big desert with two very small people in it”...here comes the whump. Clint sure knows how to lean into it.

sweet jesus Tuco with the sun behind you there you look like some kinda avenging 70s disco angel yourself. also the headband.

here comes the celestial music. here comes the cavalry. see, when Tuco gets into a mess he has to get out of it himself, but this is the second time that Divine Intervention has saved Blondie.

…gosh it’d be funny if that watch in the stagecoach was the Few Dollars More watch. I’m sure it ain’t.

Tuco’s not very good at interrogation. I’m sort of comforted by this, because it suggests he doesn’t do it very often.

when did Blondie get to the stagecoach. seriously when. (oh right it’s Leone. movement is a free action as long as it’s off camera)

that’s twice that Blondie’s called Tuco a rat though. what is about rats for Blondie.

maximum Clint hair fluff here. why do I have a thing for heroes with daft hair. tis daft.

I don’t think that New Mexico has goat skin waterbottles? Whereas they are all over the place in Spain. Hmm.

…okay, I have missed something. Why is Tuco wearing an eye patch now? Like, did he just look at Bill and say “that’s great I’m having that”. Anyway the way he forgets and shoves it up his face to look at the wall hanging is a hoot. (he keeps doing this like a kid playing pirates)

battle between “keeping on hat” and “oh I’m praying”- hat wins. Figures. 

Tuco still has a nasty cut on his face from before. Either this is very good continuity or Eli got hit by a brick during filming and it’s still healing. I honestly cannot tell.

Tuco genuinely doesn’t know nothing about Blondie’s past. Figures.

oh you *bastard* Tuco trying to exhort a deathbed confession. that’s probably his lowest moment in the whole movie actually- cos Blondie started it with the whole “let’s play who dumps who in the desert”

of course Blondie doesn’t fall for it. course he doesn’t. (I do wonder how much of this is Tuco wondering what Blondie will let him get away with.)

also there’s an implied passage of time during which Blondie thinks it’s hilarious to have Tuco fetch and carry for him. That tracks.

ohhhh and the Pablo scene like I have a lot of feels about this. mostly about the way that Tuco is genuinely happy to see Pablo and it all goes wrong, and I already write bits of this relationship into fics but aww…Pablo is genuinely disappointed. Tuco genuinely loves him.

(cannot tell whether Tuco shags a lot of girls or is angry with Pablo and wants him to think he shags a lot of girls. could go either way.)

BLONDIE WHY ARE YOU WATCHING THIS you creep

in which Tuco just straight-up makes up junk about his brother cos he has an audience. and Blondie goes along with it to the extent of giving him a cigar, and it’s- aw. actual partnership moment. for reals.

“god’s not on our side” yup, and maybe Blondie would have done something if he hadn’t been asleep? But I get the idea he’s happy to take cues from Tuco for improv. 

 Tuco’s “oh fuck” moment inf. relatable.

hello Angel. And our duo knows him, too.

…I, uh, honestly can’t figure out why Blondie thinks it’s a good move for Tuco to pretend to be Bill Carson. Like I honestly can’t see how they’d even think that was a thing to do unless they’d seen the movie up to this part. Like, Tuco and Blondie basically have to be plugged into the narrative to know to do anything here except keep their mouths shut and hope to get to Sad Hill at some point?

Angel Eyes is a practical bastard. Also a sergeant. heigh-ho.

these three definitely know each other and I can’t figure out how. What’s this friendship thing about? It is a mystery. (def Tuco and Angel have a past though. What kind?)

Also Tuco figures that Angel is gonna straight up poison him at first, so that couldn’t have been a wholly easy relationship.

…okay, I’ll have to have a scene where Tuco finally says “yes I think your being called Angel is a hoot”- it is, after all, Here.

Is it that Angel doesn’t like getting his hands dirty, or that it’s easier to fob off the trouble on somebody who does like it, or that he genuinely thinks that anyone less hefty than Wallace might not be able to shove around Tuco like this? mysteries.

I wonder what Blondie is thinking. The prison choir is the goddamn creepiest thing.

yeah, Blondie, you think you’re tough but I think you’d spill your guts out also if the alternative was gouging. That’s not Tuco being a coward, that’s just Angel Eyes treating the object of his crush/a stoic/the white guy better than Tuco. It’s not like there’s a Great Moral Principle at stake for Tuco not to talk or anything.

“We’re going for a ride” is like custom-built to be an Epic Catchphrase though.

…blood doesn’t puddle like that. Someone on production screwed up. (blood is always theatrical in this film. too red and technicolour.)

…where was I? Oh yes. Tuco’s now worth 3000 dollars and is proud of it.

And Wallace is enjoying hurting him. Wallace is exactly the type that Tuco doesn’t grok; hurt somebody because they hurt you, or because you’re mad at them, or they have something you want, but just for the sake of hurting, that I don’t think tracks for him.

(Tuco and Blondie’s scam sure has got around if Wallace knows it. I guess that could have been Angel who told him, but it’s…it’s more like this thing where everyone in the film knows things that were said on screen before? I’d have to do another watch to contemplate this, but the notion fascinates me.)

That “I can’t do it while you’re watching me” is almost cute. Like, obviously it’s a ploy to kill Wallace, but also, it’s cute.

Oh yes, the “we nearly killed Eli” scene”. Thank christ the man had a natural sense of self preservation.

Lots of people in this film wear sexy short cloaks. I love those. I want one of the trio to have on in the 70s, anachronistic or no- maybe Blondie? Dunno.

all three leads have a bit where they’re just spying on the other two. v. sexy.

I’d just like to note that as somebody who has infinite patience for wandering around deserted lonely locales, I love this desolation hotel scene.  

YES BATH SCENE, LOVE THE BATH SCENE

…dumping in all the nice bath salts cos he can. Completely undeterred by being a naked man in a bath facing a gun. continuing with the bath afterwards…

And also Blondie knows Tuco just by the gun. That’s not tracker smarts, that’s, um, divine inspiration.

kitten. Aw, you little kitten.

the way Blondie says “old friend” Angel Eyes actually suggests that it was Tuco who met Angel first.

“So that’s why you came to Tuco”. Yeah, I love mutually necessary relationships, and this one sure counts.

“I want that blond alive” yes we know Angel. We know.

“Were you gonna die alone” oh that IS shippy. 

sometimes Tuco crosses himself after a death, sometimes he doesn’t. there’s no apparent logic there.

the way that Blondie whistles and shoots a guy is max. cowboy aesthetic. also messed up.

Blondie seems cool with Tuco killing Angel. Okies.

(I guess he figures at this point that Angel will have to be waiting...)

I’d remembered the “it’s for you”. Had not remembered Tuco tearing up the paper after, but whatevers.

where does Tuco get all these hats. How? Does he just steal hats whenever he sees a new one?

Leone’s favourite trick of ‘things off camera don’t exist” is amazing. really it is. A whole army camp…

and really, this is all extra, they could just go ahead and have the cemetery duel now, but that’s not really the point.

Actually, Blondie does seem perfectly content to let Tuco do most of the talking when it needs to be done.

That whole bit with the liquor swigging- goes along with my notions of Blondie not actually being a very heavy drinker, Tuco being more enthusiastic. also I do like Tuco’s genuine “really?!” upon being told he could make colonel, like this is the first time somebody’s told him he could be something other than a priest or a bandit, and maybe he would have gone for it if he wasn’t hip deep into the 200,000 thing.

And the mutual Blondie/Tuco “this guy’s insane” looks they swap when the captain’s not looking at them, tis fab.

it’s so weird that nobody in this camp is talking…until they start yelling.

Tuco’s notion of avoiding getting killed by cannon fire is to hide as far out of frame as he can. Given how Leone framing works, this is maybe not so dumb.

it takes the entire civil war for Blondie to render a moral judgement, i. e. war is bad. I feel like he’s obscurely irritated that circumstances have forced him to profess an opinion about something.

Hang on, didn’t Blondie learn the name of the cemetery from Angel Eyes earlier? Does he actually need Tuco at this point?

Blondie next to a big case that says “explosives” is…uh, very Bugs Bunny.

…oh, yeah, it does help having a partner to blow up the bridge. Right.

it is genuinely fun, though, watching these two work as partners. They’re very practical when they want to be.

Tuco taking several minutes to gulp his way into telling Blondie his half of the secret is…interesting. Trusting. And I suspect probably saves his life later. Cos Tuco’s right and blowing up this bridge is dangerous and one of them could easily die…and he is, for once, actually doing his best to do right by his partner in a completely stupid and insane world.

lighting your cigar on the explosives is also very Bugs Bunny.

Blondie, just cos Tuco went to sleep with his arse in easy kicking position doesn’t mean you have to kick it. Also I wonder what Tuco’s whimpering there.

and the young soldier scene. I have notions about the utility of Useless But Kind Gestures that I’ve been ranting about in various 1984 postings for a while, and Blondie gets one here. Oughta contemplate that at length later.

oh look it’s the cemetery. Tuco throws away his map.

…and three minutes go clean out of my head, as they do, because the simple fact is that even with the grave name this is a ridiculous task - how do you find one grave in all five thousand? and Leone is covering for it with a mystical quasi-religious invocation to get Tuco to where we need him to be. Thing is, it works on me. Can’t talk sensibly about the Ecstasy, there is is.

The framing of Angel Eyes coming in is epic, I gotta say. First person. Have we had any first person all film?

…but Blondie, why were you having Tuco dig up Arch Stanton’s grave when it’s the wrong grave, unless you knew Angel was coming? He knows Angel’s coming is all I can think of.

also I think we’re being asked to assume that Blondie took Tuco’s gun while Tuco was asleep with his arse in the air, unloaded it, then put it back, and then kicked him awake. dang if that isn’t a sequence I would have enjoyed Leone committing to celluloid.

okay, so. Three-way.

Tuco’s thinking “if one of these people is gonna shoot me, it’s probably gonna be Angel. So I’ll shoot Angel, and Blondie probably shoots Angel too, and then we see where we are. if they both shoot me I’m dead anyway.”.

Angel Eyes, I bet, is just figuring he should get off a shot at the better shooter first, and he figures that’s Blondie.

Blondie knows who has a weapon, so he just has to spin this out and make it look good for Angel Eyes. Easy. I wonder what he would have done if it wasn’t, though?

(we aren’t ever gonna know are we)

I can’t tell who Angel Eyes is trying to shoot with his last shot. I assume it’s Blondie, but the framing makes it hard to tell?

Tuco, you hafta bring all that money back to civilisation, wrecking the bags doesn’t help there.

Ah yes. The noose. Where did Blondie even get a noose? Is it worthwhile asking the question?

I spent a long time the first time I watched this, genuinely wondering if Tuco was gonna get killed. (I didn’t want Blondie to kill him.) And I was genuinely unsure…until I realised that we were setting it up just like old times, and Blondie was gonna have to shoot him free because he always *had* shot him free, and was always going to, and it was a oroubous of a movie. Which is all the more so in the day of easy DVD rewatching.

which is not to say I didn’t quiver when Blondie levels the gun.

anyway after all he’s been through, I think Tuco’s entitled to shout that last line.

whew!

and some followups for the notes 

...yeah, it definitely makes more sense for Angel Eyes to be an old acquaintance of Tuco’s (unless you’re writing a fic where Blondie is a Weird Force of Nature and trying to reconcile two different people’s connection to him is a driving force of the plot, but I’ll remember this for the Animal Magnetism sequel).

I guess that Tuco is definitely pretending to be Bill Carson, but why? How does that help them? (I assume Blondie doesn’t see the whole torture-by-Angel Eyes coming...)

Yeah, I can see Angel Eyes as someone who’s perfected his gunslinger because his hand-to-hand isn’t so hot. Tuco’s the one who’d probably win in a straight bar brawl, but unfortunately for him that’s not the movie he’s in. 

[tumblunni]

Okay..uhh..man i dont even know what pronouns to use for this character

Like the few posts in their tag call them nonbinary? But it seems thats just because of that one line saying "gender is stupid" which was literally in response to someone saying "stop dressing like a girl, youre a boy". And like every single artwork of this character everywhere forever shows her dressed incredibly feminine and like.. Calling herself a girl. And the series just treats it as "quirky gay man who's lol sooooo gay that he crossdresses all the time" and seriously everyone else seems to call her a man and she calls herslf a girl? Like this really doenst seem like a nonbinary character this seems like an old manga with a poor understanding of trans people that was using kind of offensive language to refer to a trans woman and like.. Now just looking back on it through a a modern lens we'd say it seems like how we talk about nonbinary people.

Cos i mean seriously man this is just a girl who always dresses as a girl and calls herself a girl and loves girly stuff and its just meant to be somehow 'comical' because she's uhh..well..clearly flat chested and the manga makes it clear she was "born a man". And seriously wtf is up with this "comical" slant to all of it?? Like im glad to see trans rep and i understand that its so flawed because its a really ahead of its time bit of representation that was made in a time when bigotry was a lot more overwhelming and LGBT equality had made less strides. But still it seems so weird that even if they think of this character as "a gay man who likes to crossdress" then they'd be portraying "him" as a joke when they'd had other positive gay characters before. And like its not even outright "eww trans women" or anythingits just like they draw her SO exaggerated when she shows her crush on Toya and then he's drawn all..comically disgusted? And everyone is all shocked? And it was really confusing for the first chapter before they had a character staye that she was DMAB cos seriousky it just looked like everyone being weird to this girl for no reason.

And then just.. THERE'S A REALLY WEIRD UNDERTONE HERE

Like i wondered why on earth Toya's crush on Yukito was played so understated and never allowed to be outright confirmed even though its clearly canon and they were able to show Syaoran having a crush on literally the same guy before.

But seriously its starting to become WEIRD in regards to that! Like Ruby Moon is telling Yukito "i'll steal him away if you dont want him" so hey yes confirmation that it IS fuckin canon and they JUST WONT SAY IT. and then they have this really weird dance around conversation where toya is all "ugh gasp you're a-" and like he's...uncomfortabke with her being "a man" (SHE'S NOT A MAN DAMMIT) and she's like "but yukito is also" [suspicious gap in dialogue] "and you" [suspicious gap in dialogue] "him". Its all fuckin weird how much theyre dancing around saying the word gay or even saying a man loves a man yet they SAID IT BEFORE FOR SYAORAN! And then the dancibg around LGBT terms was actually used kinda cleverly here cos it could also mean "yes i'm a clow card and yukito is also not human". And probably the writers could point to that as reasonable denial if anyone accused them of writing a trans woman, i guess...

And uhh.. Yeah.. I think i get why these two situations are considered "different" by the writers.there was just a whole fuckin chapter about Syaoran realizing that her REALLY loves sakura and he only mistook his feelings for a crush on another boy because something something sensing subconciously that yukito had magic in him. And now its presented as CHARACTER GROWTH that he gives up on yukito and goes and has a straight relationship instead. And at the same time in the same chapter Tomoyo also decides to give up on her crush on Sakura WITHOUT EVER EVEN TELLING HER OR TRYING TO SEE IF SHE FEELS THE SAME WAY because she just thinks sakura will be happier witj syaoran. And this is meant to be noble and again be character development. And then looking back we had that whole plot of tomoyo's mom having a crush on sakura's mom and it being played all comical?? And her accusing sakura's dad of being a cradle robber and horrid for LITERALLY FUCKING HIS UNDERAGE STUDENT AND SHE DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL TO MARRY HIM was again played for 'comedy' and she 'learns her lessonc that he's really a good guy and everything is fine.

So..yeah. It seems like a bit of an undercurrent of "gay crushes are a thing for children that you grow out of". Cos seriously the way they play the "comedy" on these older characters is like.. Infantalizing them? Tomoyo's mom is meant to be seen as immature and overreacting. And sakura's mom of course 'grew up' and got a 'real relationship'...

Or like i dunno maybe this was all an accidental implication caused by writers who just didnt realize what itd look like when they make EVERY SINGLE QUEER CHARACTER LOSE THE LOVE TRIANGLE and also refuse to actually confirm the one singular potential actually happy, healthy and recipricated gay pairing.

Also calling a trans woman a man and making everyone act grossed out by her expressing interest in her and making it all so confusing that even actual LGBT people dont really know what to make of it...

And then like there's also some bit where they say "oh well clow card guardians dont actually have gender", by which they mean "biological sex" cos i mean clearly they have genders! And why would "having no biological sex" give them ALL THE BODIES OF MEN??? Like seriously why would "cannot reproduce" mean "male by default"? Why would one of these "genderless" creatures make fun of one of the others for choosing to be female if none of them were born aligned to either of the human reproductive categories in the first place? Like its not "ha why are you being female, we dont have genders" its "why are you NOT BEING A MAN, we dont have genders". That makes no sense!! Also double wtf cos like 90% of all the clow cards look feminine and even half of the ones who don't still use female pronouns and get listed as female in the profiles. Like yes, all of them are drawn flat chested or with barbie doll anatomy but that doesnt make them "men by default"! And nobody's ever mentioned this before, we havent had kero-chan being all "ugh this is the DEVIANT Windy card that PRETENDS to be a girl" or anything. Seriously i cant get over the fact that its her straight up sibling guardian who's the one who makes fun of her for wearing a girls uniform. You are a goddamn talking panther!! What do you care about human cissexism!!

I dunno man the whole thing's got me a bit grumpled.

Also they continue dojng the damn nasty "romance" between a 35 year old teacher and a ten year old girl IN A MANGA AIMED AT TEN YEAR OLD GIRLS, and its presented all wholesome and life goalsy with no criticism whatsoever. Its been getting even creepier and it fuckin STARTED with him giving her a wedding ring! Now theyre really drawing attention to how young she is cos she sews a makeshift teddy bear for him and gives it to him as a good luck charm thatll make their love last. Gahhhhhh

[goforwardgreenwriter-blog]

The Worm Reads: Empire of Storms, Ch 42 - 43

I AM ACTUALLY SPEECHLESS HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Manon Blackbeak cracked open eyelids that were too heavy, too burning, and squinted against the flickering lantern light that swayed upon the wood panels of the room in which she lay.

HHHH I’VE BEEN DREADING THIS. Please kiss the Manon we know goodbye, because we’re likely gonna never see her again after this chapter.

[Manon] bolted upright. Abraxos. Where was Abraxos—

Unghhh their relationship is too pure and wholesome for this shitty novel. I seriously want Manon to leave this series and go to HTTYD, it’s what she deserves.

(...) the chains now around Manon’s wrists, around her ankles—anchored into the walls with what appeared to be freshly drilled holes.

FRESHLY DRILLED HOLES. What did they use to drill those holes? Don’t tell me they popped down to Home Depot and picked up a brand new screw gun I am l aughing

Alien is there and already I’m seeing red please SJM i am begging u keep Alien’s crusty ass 100000 miles away from Manon

[Aelin] jerked her chin toward the floor. A pitcher and cup lay there. “Water’s next to the bed. If you can reach it.”

YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE YOU’RE GOING TO LET MANON DIE OF HYDRATION IF SHE CAN’T REACH THE WATER?? FUCK YOU, ALIEN, YOU MASSIVE PIECE OF SHIT.

And as it turns out, Manon can’t reach the water and passes out soon afterwards. Fuck Alien I can’t think of one character I hate more than her fucking selfish ass.

Even unconscious, Manon’s every breath, every twitch, was a reminder that she was a born predator, her agonizingly beautiful face a careful mask to lure the unwary to their doom.

idk this seems weird... Manon is passed out from pain but they’re all splooging over how hot and dangerous she is... idk...

They were nearing Banjali now—and Dorian had tried and failed not to think of his dead friend with every league closer to the lovely city. Tried and failed not to consider if Nehemia would have been with them on this very ship had things not gone so terribly wrong.

*sobs* I miss Nehemia.... she deserved so much better....

“Hello, witchling,” [Dorian] said. [Manon’s] full, sensuous mouth tightened slightly, either in a repressed grimace or smile, he couldn’t tell.

What the fuck is up with SJM making all her men horny for the women’s lips during situations that are in no way sexual?? Like Manon is a prisoner tied up and dying of hydration, why is Dorian thinking about her mouth this is so fucking weird

Dorian didn’t feel like mentioning that he’d been the one who’d jumped into the water [to save Manon]. He’d just … acted, as Manon had acted when she’d saved him in his tower. He owed her nothing less.

Ungh SJM is totally gonna make this a thing ain’t she. Like Dorian is just repaying her here but you know, you just know SJM is gonna use this for them to hook up.

Manon asks Dorian about Elide and the Thirteen and Dorian is like “who the hell are those guys” and Manon gets all sad and I’m :(((((

Whatever had happened, whatever [Manon] had endured … Dorian draped an arm along the back of his chair. “It’s coming in a few minutes. I’d hate for you to waste away into nothing. It’d be a shame to lose the most beautiful woman in the world so soon into her immortal, wicked life.”

Heh, that’s typical Dorian for you. Hey, maybe this ship won’t be so bad! Maybe they’ll become really good supportive friends who bond over all the trauma they went through and-

“I am not a woman,” was all [Manon] said. But hot temper laced those molten gold eyes. [Dorian] gave her an indolent shrug, perhaps only because she was indeed in chains, perhaps because, even though the death she radiated thrilled him, it did not strike a chord of fear. “Witch, woman … as long as the parts that matter are there, what difference does it make?”

WHAT

THE

ACTUAL

FUCK

SJM. ARE YOU EVEN FUCKING KIDDING ME. DO YOU KNOW TRANSGENDER PEOPLE EXIST?? THAT NOT ALL WOMEN HAVE VAGINAS??? ARE YOU FUCKING SAYING TRANS WOMEN ARE LESS OF WOMEN IF THEY DON’T HAVE BREASTS AND VAGINAS??? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT FUCKING LOOKS LIKE TO ME.

I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS IS IN AN EPIC FANTASY SERIES. SJM WROTE THIS, EDITORS EDITED IT, AND THEN IT WAS PUBLISHED, AND NOBODY THOUGHT “oh hey, the implications of this are reaaaally bad, let’s cut it”

DJFHSJDFHAFJ THIS IS SO BAD THIS IS REALLY REALLY BAD HOLY SHIT I THOUGHT THIS WAS JUST A BOOK WITH SHITTY PLOT AND WRITING AND CHARACTERS BUT NOW WE CAN ADD TRANSPHOBIA TO THE LIST THATS JUST GREAT.

Sorry about that little tangent but my jaw actually hung wide open when I read that line. Holy fucking shit this novel is going to put me in the ground six feet under.

Dorian offered a lazy grin in return. “Believe it or not, this ship has an unnatural number of attractive men and women on board. You’ll fit right in. And fit in with the cranky immortals, I suppose.”

I’m so heartbroken but... I have to disown my baby boy. Dorian was once one of my few favorite characters but SJM has killed him and replaced him with a transphobic asshole. I’m so sorry my baby boy, you flew too close to the sun. You are hereby demoted to Dorito.

Assdion rears his ugly ass head to be rude to Manon and kiss Alien’s ass before leaving. Bye bitch, hope you fall off the ship and drown.

“Then I suppose you and I are both heirs without crowns.”

Remember last time Alien said this and I defended Dorito, saying he deserved his crown? Oh, how I took those earlier chapters for granted......

The rest of the chapter is Manon angsting about all the shit she’s been through lately. Since I like Manon and she has reason to be upset, I don’t have anything to make snarks about so next chapter.

Lorcan was still wondering what the hell he was doing three days later

Oh fucking great, I just witnessed the murder of my son Dorian and now I gotta read in Lorcan’s POV? Just keep kicking me while I’m down why don’t you, SJM.

“It’s going to rain.” [Elide] slid a flat glance at him. “I do know what thunder means.”

Just fucking stop. This isn’t entertaining at all to watch two people bicker and made snarky remarks 100% of the time to one another and yet we’re supposed to believe they’re bonding I want to d ie

“Drink,” Elide commanded him. Lorcan debated telling her not to give him orders, but … he liked seeing this small, fine-boned creature in action.

What the fuck does that mean?? Fine boned?? Is that really a way people describe others???? What the fuck am I reading???

So Lorcan drank and watched [Elide] while she watched others. So many calculating thoughts beneath that pale face, so many lies ready to spill from those rosebud lips.

I’m so tired like. You guys have done nothing but argue and avoid each other and now Lorass is getting horny at the sight of Elide’s lips I’m so tired.

[Elide] was going to leave. Tomorrow, whenever the carnival rolled out. She’d likely hire one of these boats to take her northward, and [Lorcan] … he would go south. To Morath.

:(( the girl I emotionally abuse is going to leave after we both lied to one another :((( this is so sad can we get 100 likes

Elide talks to some people inside a tavern about Alien.

“Seems like the queen has a habit of showing up where she’s least expected, unleashing chaos, and vanishing again.

FINISH HER

Elide walked out of the third tavern, Lorcan on her heels. They hadn’t spoken once since she’d gone into that first inn. He’d been too lost in contemplating what it would be like to suddenly travel on his own again. To leave her … and never see her again.

I am utterly baffled you two have been nothing but assholes to each other!!! Like seriously you haven’t done anything nice for each other!!! Like wtf SJM is trying make us all :’((( about them splitting up but I can’t wait until this stupid subplot ends!

Elide reveals she can’t read to Lorass and he tries to compliment her, but...?

He wondered if he would have ever noticed if she hadn’t told him. “You seem to have survived rather impressively without it.”

I mean, good on him for not judging her, but like, she was locked up in a tower doing maid work? Reading skills really wouldn’t have made much of a difference there.

Turns out their carnival co workers ratted them out and sent guards after them. Lorass hauls Elide over his shoulder and makes a run for it.

“The gates at the city entrance,” [Elide] gasped as muscle and bone pummeled into her gut. “They’ll be there, too.”

Holy shit that sounds painful. She’s not a sack of potatoes Lorass, try some gentleness.

Lorcan pocketed the axe he’d thumbed free

You literally just took out your axe like two paragraphs ago on the same page. What was the point of this?

They find some rando and force him to get them the hell out of dodge on his boat. Elide hears a splash but doesn’t think anything of it until she sees Lorass again.

[Elide] glanced at the hatchet at [Lorcan’s] side as he strode out of the cabin. “You killed him, didn’t you?” That was what the splash had been. A body being dumped over the side.

So, just to recap, according to Lorass.... killing an innocent man who helped you escape the guards; completely justifiable. Stealing something you suspect is bad from a woman you don’t even like; evil, unacceptable, crossing a line. 

“He might have had a family depending on him.” [Elide]’d seen no wedding ring, but it didn’t mean anything.

I was about to get tilted but SJM corrected herself. I hate the mentality that if you don’t have a spouse, you clearly can’t have a family who depends on you. Kids from previous relationships, parents, grandparents, siblings, they’re family too y’know.

Lorass finds out the Wyrdkey he carried is a fake and loses his shit.

Then Lorcan flung open the door, so violently it nearly ripped off its hinges, and hurled what looked to be the shards of a broken amulet into the river. Or he tried to. Lorcan threw it hard enough that it cleared the river entirely and slammed into a tree, gouging out a chunk of wood.

I enjoy his misery tbh. Lorass is so pissy he reveals to Elide that Alien was Celaena, or as I like to call her Celery, at one point.

“You knew, and you didn’t tell me. Why?” “You still haven’t told me your secrets. I don’t see why I should tell all of mine, either.”

I mean, yeah, hate to agree with Lorass but fair enough. You’ve both done nothing but lie to each other’s faces, why would he tell you that? I want to like Elide but all this shitty drama and bickering is making my affection for her wear thin.

Then - holy fucking shit, there’s like a bunch of huuuuuuge paragraphs of Lorass and Elide bickering and they’re so fucking big. This hurts my eyes to look at. I’m gonna screencap one of them, just to show you how fucking huge they are.

HOLY SHIT SJM BREAK UP YOUR BIG ASS BRICKS OF TEXT PLEASE. My eyes started to cross trying to read this, it took me like three tries.

tl;dr because of some bullshit Lorass is staying with Elide because they both have business with Alien. Fuckin’ great, I love everyone’s agendas revolving around the main special snowflake, just fuckin’ great.

There’d been nothing inside the amulet but one of those rings—an utterly useless Wyrdstone ring, wrapped in a bit of parchment. And on it was written in a feminine scrawl: Here’s hoping you discover more creative terms than “bitch” to call me when you find this. With all my love, A.A.G.

Maybe I’d find this amusing if Alien wasn’t a walking shitstain, but... I’m tired. I’m so goddamn tired.

[Lorcan]’d kill [Aelin]. Slowly. Creatively.

Damn wish you would fam, but Alien’s got plot armor bigger than her fuckin’ ego. Lorass ends the chapter by saying he’ll kill Alien, which we all know won’t happen. I’m betting money that there’ll probably be a Lorass/Rowboat/Alien love triangle once Lorass sees what an ~uhmazing~ queen Alien is. Don’t give me that look, you know SJM would.

[nightcoremoon]

Callout post: me

lying, manipulative, hold grudges, constantly paranoid, would absolutely 100% check out a teenager if nobody was looking because "it's a harmless crime", liar, cycle through idealization and devaluation, 'sick of fat people trying to be the next civil rights issue and making it that much harder to get civil rights for people who are ACTUALLY oppressed like gee idk poc and muslims and the mentally ill and queer people', frequently fantasizes about committing violent acts against people I rationalize they deserve it including family members, untruthful, attention whore, pedantic AND pretentious, tells lies, doesn't believe in one sister's claim of sexual assault (went to smoke weed with the alleged perpetrator), UNAPOLOGETICALLY AGAINST ASEXUAL EXCLUSIONISM (LITERALLY FUCK YOU DUMBASS FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS WHO SHRIEK THAT QUEER IS A SLUR, SHUT YOUR GODDAM FUCKING WHORE MOUTHS YOU DUMBASSES AND GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE OR READ A BOOK), would absolutely punch a child over an insignificant internet argument, secretly sought out sexual pleasure from two friendly seemingly platonic encounters with two girls I just met within twenty four hours, overreacts to the slightest provocations and has bitches at or vagueposted at several people who did not deserve it, has used mental illness and physical handicap to evade trouble from being late for work because video games and laziness and excessive sleep, has spent maybe a thousand dollars on fast food in 2018 alone, evades bills for medical care from an actually great clinic, lying sack of garbage, gave up on calling out family's bigotry and is now an accessory to prejudice, despises terfs predominantly for their refusal to fuck me because of being trans and yet meanwhile would not engage in sexual relationship with another trans woman or cis man unless reeeeeeeeally drunk, can and will blame being sexually assaulted as a child which probably didn't even happen because I don't think I remember it, unabashed furry, probably as addicted to video games and masturbation AND LIES as I almost was to alcohol, pretended to have almost been an alcoholic just to "win" facebook arguments about addiction, doesn't give a fuck my dad almost died from heroin JUST because he's a *little* homophobic and racist and classist and xenophobic because of a christian upbringing, would literally fucking murder him if he EVER PUTS HIS HANDS ON ME AGAIN, only slightly depressed because of laziness and a lack of drive and ungrateful to my family because hey they didn't kick me out for being trans so HEY THATS SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH FOR SOME OTHER PEOPLE SO WHY CANT I BE HAPPY WITH THAT, legitimately salty about ~the friendzone~ and just makes fun of incels because everybody else does, takes the moral high ground for not being a misogynist even though I don't deserve a pat on the back a lap dance and a blowjob for not hating women, overly sensitive about stupid things, thinking about faking having a trigger warning for more discourse credit, HUUUGE ASSHOLE to men I deem unattractive for no other reason than every single ugly fat guy I've ever met has been an asshole, rationalizes it after the fact because they eventually say something shitty because all men are terrible, probably a little bit of a cisnormative misandrist because trans men tend to be much better people, finds trans men attractive (specifically and significantly more so than cis men) so must clearly be fetishizing them, relatively okay with people referring to me as deadnamed and the wrong pronouns so probably just lying about being trans to everyone including myself, not 100% okay with the hijab for 'no reason other than all organized religion is evil and opposed to its mandate and the shame it forces on many women in many situations the exact same way I'm opposed to no sex before marriage and wives being subservient to their husbands and treating women as property in the torah and quran alike because ITS ALL BRAINWASHING' so is clearly not unlearning islamophobia and doesn't want to let that go, hypocrite because I believe in the basics of judeochristianity

and loathe atheism and atheists entirely because their smugness and smarm literally sets my blood pressure through the roof of what is safe and normal and yet claim to hate all organized religion, mansplains yet gets so pissed off when other people mansplain to me, judgmental of other cultures because they don't have the exact same values that I have, james gunn apologist, talks and talks and talks about anarchosocialism all damn day but would beat the shit out of a coworker for leaving me to do things because they're lazy because "any job worth doing is worth doing well" and other capitalismisms, literally couldn't give less of a fuck that his mother is dying because people die but it's no reason to make my life slightly harder and making me work hard when I work because BOO HOO MY LEGS HURT FROM THE LITERALLY MOST MILD CASE OF MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY I COULD'VE BEEN BORN WITH, hasn't actually performed real suicide attempt ever but still claims to have done so to attain sympathy that may result in physical affection, countless other shitty terrible things that yeah I recognize are bad but CANT SEEM TO CARE BECAUSE I HAVE DEPRESSION... WHICH IS THE WEAKEST FUCKING EXCUSE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD

I am not a good person, okay?

I just pretend to be sometimes.

I'm sick of doing it, I'm sick of trying to do well and earn people's approval by doing and saying the right things only to just be ignored which is a step up from receiving many anons that hey, never actually told me to kill myself, but did take my words out of context to paint me as a racist. I am not the kind of racist who would vote for trump and march with the kkk. that is one of very few good things I can say about myself. but I'm an arrogant, violent, and angry opinionated perverted manipulative judgmental lying asshole. I'm not a good person. I have let myself fall so much and I deserve to be alone. my only connections to people were built on personal gain and I swear to myself that I do love them but those feelings fall away in direct correlation to how much they interact with me. I could love you to the point of obsession and stalking and one month later be completely and totally disinterested. I'm a bigot who pretends to not be bigoted and just parrots what other people say not because I believe it but because it's the right thing to say, and I only say what the right thing is to say because whenever I say a good thing something good will happen to me and if I say a bad thing something bad happens to me. it's all just self preservation, nothing else at all. but now I'm at the end of a road of just trying to do good and I'm alone. out of the only two friends that I can really say that I have left, one is far away and trapped in a guilt spiral that I caused by being too clingy, and the other has been behaving in a way my mind has decoded as defensive around me which makes sense as I have been very... the best way to describe it would be the way a dudebro incel interacts with any person who possesses a vagina/breasts but sneakier. in both relationships I've pushed my own wants and desires in extremis... I can't for the life of me recall the last time I have ever offered something in return other than my own company or paying for a meal at a restaurant or I guess transportation. and instead of sex I just want them to express even the slightest bit of intimate platonic physical affection towards me but that's still a lot to offer someone who has clearly expressed the existence of a sexual and maybe something near the realms of romantic in one of the cases physical attraction because for this aspec it's practically the same fucking thing.

and I've manipulated them to attain this goal. at this point my shit brain has considered just fucking going to town on my wrists with a razor blade to draw sympathy so that I'll get a hug or something beyond just a simply hello/goodbye, and finding a way to induce tears to concoct a sob story to reach the same end result, and one time very briefly via threat and intimidation so you can clearly see that I've gone far too into irredeemable territory. I've been playing and replaying cry of fear because it's just too similar to my own issues and the first ending where he just kills everyone he loves and then himself... I see me in that ending. and it scares me so much more than the sprinting screaming twitching one hit kill chainsaw guy ever will. I don't want that to be me, I want to change something, but I just can't get the help that I need. I had hoped to go for a domino effect, where if I could be cuddled for like five minutes or something, I'd have the energy to be more hygienic, which would make me feel capable enough to take on two jobs, which would get me the cash flow I need to pay my bills and take care of my hormones, which would put me in the headspace necessary to effectively use psychological help, which would let me get over my illnesses and actually become a more successful person instead of the pathetic husk I am here in non-fantasy land.

but that won't happen.

I'm just sitting here in the dark angsting about how nobody will touch me in a way that would produce oxytocin, and it's making me so sick, so physically sick, that it's affecting my brain too. I'm in pain, nauseous, vengeful, spiteful, paranoid, judgmental, and lonely. I'm stuck and I can't even kill myself because my mind wants me to stay alive and suffer through all of this because "oh it gets better" people have been saying that for well over half of my life. I was six or seven years old when I asked my mother to kill me, and that same level of desperation and bitterness has only gotten worse as time goes by. when does it get better? I'll tell you when it gets better, after I'm in prison or comatose or forty five years old with a cane and bad eyes and high blood pressure and lung cancer from all the secondhand smoke I've breathed in my life. when my life is over, that's when it gets better. I DONT WANT THAT. I WANT A NORMAL FUCKING LIFE RIGHT NOW. I WANT NORMAL FRIENDSHIPS AND A NORMAL HOME AND A NORMAL EDUCATION AND A NORMAL CAREER AND A NORMAL FAMILY. or at least I want someone to hold me and make me feel like I'm not so horrible and broken that I can't be touched.

but that's too much to ask for.

[snarktheater]

Ready Player One — Level Two (Chapters 17-18)

“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal. —Groucho Marx”

Hey, at least the book isn’t quoting a fictional text that only exists in its own universe this time. That said, you know, when the quotes you give the biggest highlight to all have to do with how much the world sucks, it’s kind of killing my buzz about the whole “being alive” thing. Oh, and I guess it makes it look like you’re trying too hard to be edgy.

But I guess these are all shallow, surface problems. Let’s dig deeper as we enter Level Two and find out how much worse the infodumping gets. Because yes, it’s back in full force.

See, the book actually does justify splitting itself in multiple parts. At least for now. Specifically, it does so by way of a time skip. Well…sort of. More of a compressed time frame of a few months, which is mostly summarized to us through Wade and Artemis’s chatlogs.

Because, yeah, they’ve been chatting. Or, I should say, Wade has been harassing Artemis until she caved in and agreed to talk to him.

Parzival: Yes! Hey! I can’t believe you finally responded to one of my chat requests. Art3mis: Only to ask you to cut it out.

I will skip over the ensuing banter, because yes, of course they start bantering in spite of Artemis making it very clear she does not want to talk to him. Banter which pretty quickly takes a deep, hard dive into…questionable territory.

Parzival: So you’re telling me, definitively, that you are a female? IRL? […] After analyzing the available data, I’ve concluded that you must be a female. […] Because I don’t want to find out that I’ve got a crush on some 300 lb. dude named Chuck who lives in his mother’s basement in suburban Detroit.

I think there should be a ban on men using the word “female” as a noun. Preferably until the end of time. The correlation between that and misogyny is too high. Although, I don’t know, maybe it’s a useful alarm bell.

Artemis challenges that, and expresses suspicion that he wouldn’t care about her personality, and not “the package it comes in”. Parzival claims that he totally does, and…put a pin in that, we’ll get back to it in a short moment. But first, Artemis flat-out rejects the idea of engaging in romance with Wade, mostly on the grounds that he doesn’t really know her, only the side of her she lets him see. Which is fair, although I’m not sure if you can really act like that’s only true online (or even more true online, in their world at least).

But if you think rejection is going to deter Wade “I have stalked this girl for years on her blog” Watts, well…I mean, refusing to take no for an answer is how this chapter started, so you know that’s not happening.

So he insists. And insists. And insists some more. Oh, and did you know the Sixers tried to blow up Wade’s trailer?

Art3mis: You shouldn’t reveal stuff like that! I could be a Sixer spy trying to profile you. Parzival: The Sixers already profiled me, remember? They blew up my house. Well, it was a trailer. But they blew it up. Art3mis: I know. I’m still freaked out about that. I can only imagine how you feel. Parzival: Revenge is a dish best served cold.

You sure sound torn up about it, Wade.

Yeah, the book is basically going to flat-out ignore the ramifications of Wade’s house blowing up and him being forced to move to a new location and forge himself a new identity. No consequences—not practical ones nor emotional ones. It’s especially weird, because…moving to Columbus on the money he earns through his endorsement deals was already his plan to begin with. If the only purpose was to get Wade from point A to point B, the setup was already there. But since there’s no other consequences to IOI blowing up his home…what was the point of IOI blowing up his home? From a pure storytelling perspective, I mean? I’m just puzzled at this point.

Somehow, Artemis is still talking to Wade, so they start playing a game of one question each. We do learn that Artemis is 19 years old, studying poetry and creative writing in college. Not very important information, but it’s something. Assuming she’s telling the truth, but I’m sure she is.

And now, we get back to that “Wade doesn’t care about the package Artemis comes in, only her personality”. With bonus transphobia!

Parzival: […] Now, spill it. Are you a woman? And by that I mean are you a human female who has never had a sex-change operation? Art3mis: That’s pretty specific. Parzival: Answer the question, Claire. Art3mis: I am, and always have been, a human female.

I…hopefully don’t need to explain the problem with this, right? It’s basically transphobia 101: he states that trans women aren’t women, or at least not “really” women; he overfocuses on their body and specifically genitals (using some outdated and offensive terminology even by 2011 standards, I’m fairly certain); and they both equate genitals with gender, since Wade acts like you can only even be a woman post-transition, and Artemis’s response implies that pre-transition trans women aren’t women.

But it’s even worse in the light of that thing I told you to put a pin on. Because if Wade doesn’t care about her body, only her personality…shouldn’t it not matter that she’s trans? Hell, shouldn’t it not matter that she’s trans and pre-transition? And if he does care about her genitals, shouldn’t it still not matter that she’s trans if she’s post-transition?

I’ll stop this discussion here before I myself get too close to talking about trans people’s genitals. All I’ll say is this: if you think the transphobia is an isolated issue, you’re not thinking hard enough. With this statement, Wade doesn’t just prove he doesn’t consider trans women as real women, he also establishes that he does care about Artemis’s body.

It’s easy to make a grand statement about how you love women no matter how they look. It’s much harder to maintain that stance in how you actually talk to and about women. It’s a similar problem that plagued the Nerd Porn Auteur poem: it’s one thing to say you want all women and all body types to be viewed as attractive, but when the rest of your poem clearly establishes that you just want to enforce your own standard, it belies your thesis statement.

For the record, I knew this quote was coming, but it’s still awful to read, especially in the context of this guy harassing her into talking to him in the first place, and repeatedly making advances at her in spite of her constant rejection.

You’d think there would be some lull in the misogyny in this book, but apparently that’s a tall order.

Finally, Artemis says she has to go, and says they shouldn’t talk again until one of them finds the egg. Wade’s reaction?

Parzival: Can I at least keep e-mailing you? […] You can’t stop me from e-mailing you. Art3mis: Actually, I can. I can block you on my contact list. Parzival: You wouldn’t do that, though. Would you? Art3mis: Not if you don’t force me to. Parzival: Harsh. Unnecessarily harsh.

You’re literally saying you’ll harass her more, so…no, clearly it’s not “unnecessarily harsh”, it’s exactly the right response.

So of course, after a scene break…

I started e-mailing her.

Yup. He starts emailing her weekly, and Artemis, for some reason that’s totally unrelated to being written by a man who’s likely never experienced that kind of harassment and also has no empathy for the people who do, replies to him. Well, not just replies to him; she starts going back and forth and goes all the way to meeting him in private chatrooms.

We played vintage board games, watched movies, and listened to music. We talked for hours. Long, rambling conversations about everything under the sun. Spending time with her was intoxicating. We seemed to have everything in common. We shared the same interests. We were driven by the same goal. She got all of my jokes. She made me laugh. She made me think. She changed the way I saw the world. I’d never had such a powerful, immediate connection with another human being before. Not even with Aech.

For the record, while this is still pretty shallow character and relationship development, I feel like this might be the closest we’ll get to fleshing things out in this book. This is as good as it gets. Or…as good as it’s gotten so far, I should probably say. I have my expectations for what comes next, but it’s wrong to assume, kids.

Speaking of rushed relationship development, we’re now in full skimming mode, to the point where Wade and Artemis now share their research regarding the Hunt, even though that’s basically antithetical to both their established characters. Is this what love is for straight people, becoming the opposite of who you were before? No wonder they have so many hang-ups about marriage.

Wade also tells us about how he missed his graduation and got his diploma by email, and…you gotta wonder at which point the Sixers will catch on to him still being alive, you know. I mean, the endorsement ads with Parzival, I can get that these could go on with Wade dead. But school? Did nobody even bother to identify the corpses in the stack?

If you think I’m asking this for something utterly trivial, don’t worry, we’ll get back to that too. But enough about the plot; I guess we’re giving up on it now.

When I finished school, I’d intended to devote all of my time to the Hunt. But all I really wanted to do was spend time with Art3mis.

Yeah. The girl’s what distracted you from the Hunt. Not the attempt against your life, though. That barely registered as a blip on the radar.

We also get a brief recap of Wade leveling up to 99, the maximum level in the OASIS. This includes a description of a quest where he and Artemis play as characters from the Goonies. And you might be wondering: wait, weren’t the flicksyncs supposed to be this revolutionary new feature? Well, apparently all the quests in the OASIS (or most of them, anyway) are also based on just…replaying the story of existing properties. In fact, it’s starting to look like the OASIS has two types of planets: the ones built by players, like IOI’s planets, and the ones that are built to match existing properties. Which begs the question: what was the OASIS’s launch content, when it had neither of these? Just the starting planet and Ludus?

Anyway, the book suddenly remembers about the Easter Egg, in the most random of fashions imaginable: by having Wade go on a rant about how there are no longer toys in cereal boxes.

It was a tragedy, in my opinion. Another sign that civilization was going straight down the tubes.

Yeah. Toys in cereals, the true canary in the civilization coal mine. Good job there.

But anyway. From this, Wade remembers a hacker from the ’70s (and…yeah, the 70s are fair game all of a sudden) who took on the moniker Captain Crunch, who used the toy whistle from the eponymous cereal to hack into analog phones. From this, wade decides that “the captain” and “the whistle” in the Quatrain are references to…the cereal. Not the hacker. Sure sounds to me like you’re stretching the guess a little far there, book.

I mean, even if he’d stuck to just making the connection, this is still just the character getting divine inspiration to solve the puzzle. Nothing of actual import causes this reveal. This passage is literally introduced as “Then, one morning” and him thinking of the connection. Because, you know, it’s not like giving your readers a riddle they’re able to solve along with the characters would keep them engaged or anything.

And with that random epiphany out of the way, we’re back to a whole lot of nothing, since Eureka moments are apparently the only way Wade solves any of the riddles. And by “nothing” I mean more obsessing over Artemis, and how he wants to meet her face to face, even though earlier this chapter he wouldn’t even send her a picture of himself.

I was certain she had strong feelings for me, but she also kept me at a distance. No matter how much I revealed about myself to her—and I wound up revealing just about everything, including my real name—she always adamantly refused to reveal any details about her own life. All I knew was that she was nineteen and that she lived somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. That was all she would tell me.

You know, the impression I’m getting from this is that you misread her completely and she’s not interested. I mean, she keeps rejecting your attempts at communication unless you pressure her so much that it’s easier to just talk to you, and she won’t give any personal detail. That does not strike me as someone who’s into you.

Wade also grows distant from Aech in this time, because fuck friendship now that he has a woman to stalk, I guess. I mean, of course, they barely qualified as friends in the first place, so…no big loss there.

Somehow, without my realizing it, my obsession with finding Halliday’s Easter egg was gradually being supplanted by my obsession with Art3mis.

I was informed that I used the “Big red flags” gif too soon last time, and…yeah, I’m seeing why now. This is just the worst case scenario. You’re romanticizing some really unhealthy behavior there, book.

And it keeps going. They go on dates now! In the OASIS of course. And they do so in spite of Artemis protesting that it’s not safe for Wade to make public appearances, since, again, IOI wants him dead. Plus, they’re afraid of tabloids.

But there was one exception. One night, she took me to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show in a huge stadium-sized movie theater on the planet Transsexual, where they held the most highly attended and longest-running weekly screening of the movie in the OASIS.

Oh dear. Let’s…let’s move on. I’m not touching the fact that the book dropped Rocky Horror in the same chapter as it featured an incredibly transphobic statement. Someone more qualified will have to take that one.

That night was easily the most fun I’d ever had in my life up to that point. I told Art3mis so afterward, and that was when she leaned over and kissed me for the first time. I couldn’t feel it, of course. But it still set my heart racing.

Yes, yes. I know. Obviously the book means for her to be into him and all my earlier ranting about her not being interested was wrong. Ha, ha. Except, you know, not. Of course she’ll fall for him—she’s designed to, as the love interest. The issue is with what the book chose to portray as her being interested. That is to say, her showing every sign of disinterest. Which is rape culture. No, I’m not mincing words—it is. Equating a woman’s constant rejection to her being into you is exactly what rape culture is about. If you look at what rapists say when on trial, the defense is almost always a variation on “I thought she wanted it”. So this book, providing a fantasy where she really is into it, deep down…yeah, it’s rape culture. And if that phrase sets off your triggers and you have a problem with that, big whoop, just re-read the paragraph and skip them this time. The message still stands.

Thankfully, we don’t have to deal with them being together for too long.

And then one night, like a complete idiot, I told her how I felt.

Well, mostly because the book probably couldn’t handle writing a romance where the characters actually are together for very long, what with its inability to write emotions. But sure, let’s go with “telling someone how you feel about them is an idiot move”. There’s no way that could feed into toxic masculinity or some bad relationship advice.

So, after this line, we get a chapter break, which I guess is supposed to act as a cliffhanger of sorts, since after that the book backtracks a little to set the stage. I’ll go over this quickly: remember Ogden Morrow, Halliday’s best friend? He hosts his birthday party in the OASIS every year, and it’s a big exclusive event, and of course the High Five are invited. Aech is busy, Daito and Shoto never enter a PvP area unless necessary, which leaves Artemis and Wade. Artemis wants to go, and Wade decides to as well to impress her or something.

She said she couldn’t pass up an invitation from Og himself, despite the obvious risks. So, naturally, I told her I would meet her there at the club. It was the only way I could avoid looking like a total wuss.

Wow. You big strong manly man. I’m sure she’ll swoon right into your arms and—oh wait, you ended the previous chapter by telling us you were gonna confess your feelings and it’d end badly. You kinda blew your load early there to be trying to milk some tension out of this there, buddy.

And I hear you. Back up, you say, a PvP zone? Yes! Ogden Morrow has his party in “the Distracted Globe, shortened to ”the Globe". No Shakespeare involved here, since he’s not from the 80s; instead, it’s a zero-gravity dance club. Except you can swim and dance in zero gravity, because this book for nerds didn’t think to research its physics properly. I mean, what are the odds that a bunch of nerds would criticize the science of your science fiction book, right?

And it’s also a PvP zone. I guess Ogden’s party runs on the honor system and hopes that no one is going to attack anyone here.

The book spends a massive paragraph describing Wade’s car to us. It’s a modified DeLorean crammed with references to other sci-fi movies, because apparently, the book doesn’t understand class. And yes, I’m forced to point out that Cline has a very real version of this car:

Which…okay, not the worst thing ever, I guess, but don’t you think it’s a little on the nose?

After this (and another paragraph telling us how everyone will want to steal his car, but it doesn’t matter, because he has a miniaturizing spell and keeps the car on his person, because MMORPGs letting you put your mounts in your inventory is not a concept that the author has heard of), it’s on to the party. In which Artemis and Wade name-drop a bunch of songs, and…dance. Kind of.

Her avatar lost its human form and dissolved into a pulsing amorphous blob that changed its size and color in synch with the music. I selected the mirror partner option on my dance software and began to do the same. My avatar’s limbs and torso began to flow and spin like taffy, encircling Art3mis, while strange color patterns flowed and shifted across my skin.

Is this someone’s kink? I’m extremely confused that this is the imagery you chose to go for, especially when the book tells us everyone else on the (spherical, zero-gravity) dance floor starts following suit and dancing as colored blobs.

After this, it’s time for the cliché slow dance, and Wade tells Artemis he’s in love with her.

“You aren’t in love with me, Z,” she said. “You don’t even know me.” […] “You only see what I want you to see.” She placed a hand on her chest. “This isn’t my real body, Wade. Or my real face.” “I don’t care! I’m in love with your mind—with the person you are. I couldn’t care less about the packaging.” “You’re just saying that,” she said. There was an unsteadiness in her voice. “Trust me. If I ever let you see me in person, you would be repulsed.”

Such foreshadowing. As for his statement…see my earlier rant about his transphobic statement.

Once again, Artemis keeps telling him no, Wade keeps insisting, and she decides they have to stop hanging out.

“Are you breaking up with me?” “No, Z,” she said firmly. “I am not breaking up with you. That would be impossible, because we are not together.” There was suddenly venom in her voice. “We’ve never even met!”

She’s right, of course. But before the book can linger on that detail for too long, let’s have the Sixers randomly attack the club! Which they do by sending troops inside, even though we established the game has nukes already and they could just make the whole place explode without wasting any avatars. Whatever. Fight scene time.

Then I realized that most of the Sixers’ incoming fire seemed to be directed at me and Art3mis. They were here to kill the two of us. […] I knew my own recklessness had brought them down on us. I cursed myself for being so foolish.

…Are you implying Artemis wouldn’t have been a valuable enough target? No, of course it’s all about you. Dick.

This scene, by the way, goes nowhere. It’s devoid of tension. Mostly because, before anything really major can happen, Ogden reveals that he apparently has god mode turned on, and fries all the Sixers in the club. Thus also making the attack entirely pointless. Well, unless Ogden does turn out to be the main villain and this is a showcase of the threat he is. Which I’m still somewhat convinced he might be. Or should be.

But anyway, when the dust settles, Artemis is gone, and Wade is sad, I guess. Boo hoo. Whatever shall he do, the object of his obsession is gone.

[megapotatosaurus]

hey guys, rebelbaze responded!!  once again in the comments of my last post rather than a reblog so if you want to see their full comments just go to that link.

“Your argument is largely based on not understanding wht the LGBT community is for, what its activism looks like, and what LGBT specific resources could do. Please edcuate yourself further.” -rebelbaze

Sure, I’m always looking to educate myself further on LGBT+ matters.  But I know perfectly well what the LGBT+ community is for.  It’s for people like me, and @ghiraheeheeheem and everyone else with a sexuality or gender identity that has been oppressed and erased for centuries.

“Nah, my request for “better sources” was sources not from tumblr, not with studies that are a. old enough to be obsolete and b. have been debunked, and c. did not directly contradict the point they were trying to make that aces face “similar” discrimination to LGBT folk. Which, again, none of his sources proved AND neither do any of your sources. The discrimination you are talking about most closely resembles MISOGYNY not homophobia or transphobia“ -rebelbaze               

So, I went to the trouble of providing you with actual published research from scientific journals specifically concerned with human sexuality and that’s not the kind of evidence you want or consider valid.  Aaaaaalrighty then.  Also, neither of the papers I cited were directly trying to prove that aces face similar discrimination to other LGBT+, they were analysing the experience of ace people using interview techniques and questionnaires and in the case of Brotto et al., some evaluation scales.  They neither contradicted nor supported the point, I merely drew the connection in support myself as there was discussion of asexuals facing the kind of discrimination LGBT+ people do face.

However, I did go and find another article which I think you will like and find helpful to your understanding of the topic :]  It’s called “Making Sense in and of the Asexual Community: Navigating Relationships and Identities in a Context of Resistance“ by CJ Chasin, 2015.  The original article is here and once again I would be happy to provide you with the full text for free by email or some other means if you cannot access it, just message or /ask me.  It actually makes a point of discussing and positively comparing the experience of the asexual and homosexual struggle - that is say, an actual qualified researcher and social psychologist who has reviewed all of the literature on the topic (because that’s what this paper is, a review and discussion of the available literature on the topic) agrees that the experience of homophobia and aphobia is “parallel” (Chasin, 2015) in society.

So.  Want any more sources?

Moving on:

“And, like, cishet aces ARE invading the community using the EXACT same rhetoric kinky cishets, polyamorous cishets, and even pedophile cishets have used in the past (and present!) to attempt to say that they are oppressed and part of the LGBT community. Our oppressors trying to get into our spaces and say we owe them support can be codified as nothing other than invaders.” -rebelbaze

Oh boy, I love it when asexuals get compared to pedophiles and other sexual deviants!  (Not to suggest that kinks and polyamory are deviant, though that’s certainly what @rebelbaze is suggesting by thoughtlessly lumping them all in with pedophiles.)  Kind of reminds me exactly of how homosexuals get compared to pedophiles!  Not to mention the way trans people get compared to pedophiles!  Hmmm!  Aphobia and homophobia and transphobia are so not equivalent!  Nobody’s pulling the exact same shit on absolutely everybody who has some kind of ‘abnormal’ sexuality or gender identity!!  Especially not people within the very LGBT+ community which is supposed to be promoting and supporting the rights of these people to exist!!!!

Come on.  Can you really not hear yourself?  I mean, in all honesty, you seem very concerned about the oppression of our people and that could be an admirable trait if used properly.  But if you use the same weapons against others in our group that our oppressors do, can’t you see you’re no better than them?  There’s no shame in coming to realise that you’ve been misinformed about an issue.  In fact, it’s more admirable to admit that you were wrong than to continue arguing yourself into a corner based upon a lie, and a vicious and destructive lie at that.

I’ll address one more point on that topic:

“Because, again, the LGBT community isn’t about anyone who is marginalized (otherwise FURRIES can make a better case than cishet aces, as furries have had their conventions literally GASSED), it is about those SPECIFICALLY oppressed by homophobia and transphobia. Like, can you name a single major LGBT Issue that wasn’t based around homophobia and transphobia?” -rebelbaze

How about biphobia?  Because that’s a very real and distinct thing from homophobia, more similar to aphobia in many ways.  Bi people are routinely erased, told they’re “going through a phase”, that they’re not welcome in the community because they can potentially fit in with the heteronormative ideal (oh look it’s what we’re discussing right here right now but for ace people) or that they’re actually just straight but horny or actually secretly gay, just the same way asexuals are told that they’re repressed or just victims of abuse, just the way that gay men are often theorised to have been victims of abuse.  I could keep looping around and linking up all of the different x-phobic arguments: they have more that binds than separates them.  And asexuals, as noted in each of my papers, also have the unique challenge of not being understood by ANYONE who experiences sexual attraction.  They’re doubly cursed and doubly vulnerable to people such as yourself telling them they don’t belong.  Which is why I am of the opinion that we should be extra welcoming to all kinds of asexual people, cishet or lesbian or gay or genderqueer or trans or whatever else, because there are even less people who understand them than the sexualities with a much larger and well-established movement and publicity.

And one more LGBT+ issue not based around homophobia/transphobia  - how about the experience of LGBT+ POC?  As you’re arguing that misogyny/rape culture issues have no place in this debate, you could also argue that race issues should be kept out of the LGBT+ space, but once again, in my opinion those who face extra marginalisation in society should be invited in and allowed to celebrate and express themselves using the context of their own experience.  Like I said in my last post, just because they might not fit your image of who belongs in your group doesn’t mean they don’t belong.  It’s a very broad spectrum and so we need a broad gaze.

Our struggles are all different, but equivalent, and each legitimate.  In the face of so much institutionalised hatred, we must support one another, not weaken the movement with in-fighting and cruelty using the very weapons used to oppress us.

[peterpanofberk]

I remember...(trigger warning, see tags)

I remember growing up and feeling self conscious about the way I looked. Through the media and toys and what I saw around me, what was beautiful was straight hair, great vision, perfect teeth, and light skin. I always felt like I was never beautiful...i would always say that I was cute at best and that was what I believed given i have curly hair, bad vision, teeth aren’t perfect, and natural tan skin.

I remember denying every aspect of myself. I wouldn’t listen to stories of my people, eat the food, learn the culture. For a reason I couldn’t explain I had felt ashamed of my heritage. I would always tell people that I’m practically white, or that I am white. I had just wanted to fit in with everybody else, all my friends who were white. And it was like that all the way until middle school.

I remember starting high school and there was no denying of who i was. By high school i started to have some more friends that were also PoC and I started to feel better. But despite finally admitting what my race was I would say that I was “raised white”. When my race was brought up in conversation it was always used to be for the punch line of some joke. To which I would laugh with them cause I didn’t want to seem too touchy because I felt like they wouldn’t understand.

I remember one of my friends, who was proud of her race and heritage. I knew the stories of when her how many great grandparents were brought over from Africa and their journey and survival over here. Seeing how proud she was started to make me feel proud of mine...I wouldn’t just say that I was mixed race anymore but I would admit, I am half Native American, half Puerto Rican. 

However I also remember that very friend notice the group of people who I would hang out with the most and how they were mostly white. I remember her saying “act your race” during lunch one day. I remember getting confused...what does that even mean? “Act my race”? Which one? I remember trying to just ignore it but letting it be...I went back to not talking about what I was because...again I didn’t know now. 

I remember entering college. Now I have more confidence. I have found my pride, I started to learn more about my culture and I had found so much peace in it. Given I did embrace the Native side more than my Puerto Rican side, but that is due to growing up in a Native household since my parents divorced when I was 4 and I lived with my mother...and it was my father who was Puerto Rican. And I remember a different girl who had just moved here from Puerto Rico saying “you can’t call yourself Puerto Rican if you don’t speak spanish or know our culture”.... which made me feel like I shouldn’t admit that half of me cause I don’t speak spanish..or know a lot of the culture. I tried talking to my grandparents but they only spoke spanish..so it was difficult. I knew more of Native culture but I didn’t speak it...

I remember only admitting I’m native and being okay with that cause I felt guilty if I said I was Puerto Rican since I felt like I didn’t know enough. I might mention it but it would quickly follow “but i don’t know spanish or anything”

I remember transferring to a new school and it was more progressive..more diverse and I was able to embrace who I was again. Not only my race but admitting that I was gay or ace (it had changed through my journey of figuring out what fits for me) since I now had such welcoming support. I made new friends, given they were all still white, but they were open minded and were active in using their white privilege to help point out discrimination. We would have deep talks of it, they would always ask my views. It felt great. I thought I met people who could understand. 

Until I realized that they didn’t. I remember when the election was happening and I made sure I voted. I was so scared of the idea of Trump winning. And when he won I remember crying. I remember talking to them the next day and they were saying things like. “Yeah he said that during his campaign but his opening speech gives me hope..did you hear what he said?” “oh its not gonna be that bad” 

And thats when I realized they would never understand..they were straight..they were white...sure they may be opened minded and active and progressive but they would never feel the fear that I do..understand the struggles that I do..and my struggles weren’t even the worst of it cause even for my race my skin was on the fairer side..not white..but fairer.

“Its not gonna be that bad” 

I remembered that when one of my friends, who will be one of the nicest men you will ever meet. One of the hardest workers I know..I saw him literally give his jacket to a kid once because he felt like kids jacket wasn’t warm enough and he could always buy another. I remembered those words they said when he woke up two days later after Trump took office and he had the N-word spray painted on his door. 

“Its not gonna be that bad”

I remembered those words when my gay roommate came home shaking because some people were harassing her and the bathroom she used. I remember those words when our trans neighbor was getting purposefully misgendered because “if you have a dick you’re still a dude”...and when saying “trump nation” when they laughed while she ran off to cry.

“Its not gonna be that bad”

I remembered those words when waiting for my sister downtown my sister who I see once every six months cause she lives in a different state and we were gonna go out to eat and I arrived a bit early..eager for her arrival. Waiting outside the night diner we loved to go to while all the other college kids were bar hopping...

I remember two drunk white guys approaching me...dragging me to a nearby park where nobody could see behind some bushes and a bench...I remember them beating when I struggled and tried to scream...I remember they both raping me at the same time and I couldn’t even see my sister that night cause after they left I took what little strength I had to go to a friends house who lived down the block and had her help me..eventually making it to the hospital to make a report and get checked.

“its not gonna be that bad” 

I remember that now as I sit here typing this. Dropped out of school cause my grades dropped because I was too scared to go to class and leave my room. As I sit here writing this late at night cause I cant sleep due to nightmares that my therapist says is from PTSD. I remembered those words as I have to take so much medication and more doctors appointments because I am terrified that one of them had an STD and that I’ll get one...me who has never had sex before...

I had remembered those words. Cause that night I remember them saying that they’ll “straighten me out” and throwing racial slurs at me. 

I remember those words too. I wish I could forget..

but I remember.

[cielb]

thoughts on the lobster boi and homophobic atheist debate!

someone talked about the Sam Harris vs Lobster boi debate on quora. i need to get off that stupid site. i need to get off here. i need to get off it’s been a few days (sorry). “My reaction: it was possibly the one of the most important intellectual debates of our time.” sdkfjsdkfj Peterson couldn’t even fucking agree on the definition of truth, he legitimately tried to define truth as what benefits people to think of as reality rather than what just is. you can find video of him saying that.  literally, even the most diametrically opposed leftists and right wingers will at least agree that reality is reality, it doesn’t depend on your feelings or on what you want to happen. ugh. this quora user went on to say: “Both men brilliant in their own way, but Peterson clearly walked away with the victory laurels because he got many to think along more pragmatic lines. He properly deflated the notion of an absolute objective correspondent or scientific truth while delineating the wider perspective of coherent or pragmatic truth.“ there is no such thing as “pragmatic truth,” that is fucking bullshit. there could be something like “pragmatic lies.” maybe it’s best to lie to a mentally retarded person if it would make them happy (though Peterson would disagree and bragged in his book about not playing along with patients he met as a student when they were misguided about something but anywhoo). tell them of course biscuit is real and he loves you. but “pragmatic truth.” that’s not a fucking thing. you couldn’t “pragmatic truth,” your way to survive the hiroshima hydrogen bomb jfc what the fuck that is so obviously just bullshit and if i’m “taking him out of context,” he needs to be more fucking clear because as i said nobody really knows what the fuck he is saying. “I admire Harris but for at least one flaw, that he is consistently incapable of conceiving the malleable nature of scientific truth. There seems to be many of the Harris type who dream of an absolute scientific truth. It will never be.What proof is there that science will unveil all mysteries?“ science is literally just the practice of developing theories and laws from observation and research, and using empirical evidence to support these. logic in the form of math is also employed and explains the mechanisms of science. mystical or whatever people always act like science is limited by being empirical or logical when really it would encompass anything we can observe and measure. are there things we arguably can’t observe and measure because we can’t escape our own brains? yeah it’s possible, and solipsism is possible, but what’s the fucking point you gotta work with what you have.  and then there’s the strawman of “What proof is there that science will unveil all mysteries?” i don’t think most scientists or even most atheists would claim that to begin with. we will probably go extinct far before we begin to understand a lot of things.   science is numerical and based on empiricism. it’s an inadequate language to express things like Shakespeare. see, instead of thinking there must be some supernatural thing outside of science that allows such mysteries of the mind to exist, you can just see it as “we don’t have the language or intelligence to explain all of this.” if we did, it would still be science.  “Like Peterson says, such ideas are rooted in our cultural mythology, i.e., the belief in unchanging laws of nature, etc.“ this is equating empirically supported things, things you can just observe by doing it (for example, don’t run into a fucking highway), with cultural mythology like christianity. it’s fucking insane to compare those. holy shit. atheist shit. agnostic shit. satanic shit. fucking shit.  “In the final analysis, no doubt Harris is a genius of a kind, but Peterson is a genius of a special kind,” yes he is quite special.   “the kind that comes but once in a lifetime.” i hope so.  oh yeah side note sam harris is also full of shit lmao he will talk about islam being shit for its homophobia but if a beloved anti-sjw type goes on his show to bash gay people and make fun of trans pronouns he will fucking cackle right with him instead of calling him out on his shit yeah what a shining example of a liberal who totally didn’t fall for reactionary right wing bullshit fuck both these guys. 

[canyouhearmenowzine-blog]

SHIT LESBIAN DISCO INTERVIEW

Jaheda from Shit Lesbian Disco and I first spoke in February 2017 when I was attempting to find radical female-run spaces in Manchester. As well as discussing her successful women-only project, Jaheda inspired me personally to not compromise on my beliefs and helped me to understand that my feminism can be what I want it to be. I went to the first Shit Lesbian Disco in April this year and was overwhelmed by the positive space that she had created - a diverse space without aggression, fear, and violence. In July this year we talked at length about what Shit Lesbian Disco is, what other people can learn from them, homophobia, racism, class, misogyny, and why you should come and experience it for yourself.

Olivia: What is Shit Lesbian Disco?

Jaheda: Shit Lesbian Disco is an event created so that women can have a space that is dedicated to them and ran by them, and performed by them and engineered by them. It’s a night out for women, whatever your sexuality, as long as you're over 18 you can come along.

We've called it Shit Lesbian Disco, because as a lesbian I've been to so many shit lesbian discos where we're only given a tiny little box room, and a mate will spin some tracks and the venue isn't all that great. But without them I wouldn't have met any women. So it's like a little private joke to other lesbians and bisexual women who have attended these nights. Because you live them, you love them, and without them you wouldn't have pulled. But we live in 2017 so we don't have to compromise on quality. It's just banging.

O: What's the response been like?

J: It's been really really positive. The venue thinks its an absolutely fantastic idea because not only is it a really safe night, the security staff hardly have to do any securitying, the bar staff make a shit load of money back behind the bar as well as tips, there's just no trouble or any madness, the women who pay into it enjoy it. I’m 41, and I'm from a generation where I remember places where women's spaces existed, you’d walk in and there were venues and nights women only. The generation younger than me, like yourself for example, the experience of that huge space with a shitload of women you guys haven't had, so what I've found is that a lot of younger women have been like 'WOAH' and have never felt something like that.

For heterosexual women, a lot of their lives are determined by men, and there's a lot of men involved in their world and their decision making — so when they come to a space, initially they're a little bit tentative and what I've found is they've never been around a space where they don't have to negotiate their bodies, and there's not predatory men grinding up against them, cos lesbians kind of don't do that  (there is, one or two, cos we're not exempt from arseholes), so they're able to come out and enjoy themselves with a bunch of their girlfriends, and I've encouraged them to do that. I’ve said 'have a girls night out and if you hate it I'll give you your money back', nobody's asked for their money back yet, so I'm happy!

O: Could you think of any lessons that other people could learn from you to create positive and safe spaces?

My main tip for anybody creating any sort of space, whoever you are, be true to yourself - if you will attend your night, then it's a good night. No apologies, no compromise, stick to what you believe in and it will work.

Don't think about money! Money paralyses people because they think where am I going to find 3000 pounds to cover this and cover that and blah blah blah but it just comes. Cos money's one of them things, it's paper and metal, it will come. That's it, one way or another, it will come.

O: Good advice. When I was at your night the DJs had a fight. We spoke about it and I loved your response, can you tell me about it again?

J: Well the DJs had a moment, bless them, where one had an idea of where they wanted to go with the set, another had an idea where they wanted to go for the set and they had a clash and one of them had a strop and another one had a little hand on their hip and another one was a bit awkward like 'Oh shit oh shit!' and it was really funny to watch.

Personally, I love it. I love women's behaviour, good, bad, and ugly. I believe that as women the expectations of our behaviour or the expectation of the quality of work is higher than our male counterparts. We are made to feel like we have to be excellent, we have to get an A+, and still we get paid less and we get less work, whereas some men in the same field with the same qualifications or less can get jobs in abundance and get paid twice the amount that myself or any other people. It's nice that the DJs acknowledged that they had a bit of strop, but as far as I'm concerned, it's not a fatal thing, it's just human nature, human behaviour, that's it, cos who am I to be punishing people, get over yourselves, patriarchy!

O: Speaking of the patriarchy, do you ever get bored with having to justify it being a women's night, why do we have to keep having the same conversations?

J: Because until rape is a crime that you can be convicted for without the victim having to be punished through the system, without our bodies during a war situation being used as negotiating tools, until I can walk down the road without being catcalled and without someone calling me a slag, until equal pay is actually equal pay, until a dress is just an item of clothing that a woman wears because they want it to be airy or they want to show their legs, spaces for women need to exist. And I'm not just talking about women who are assigned women at birth, I'm talking about trans women as well as cis women. Because on a daily basis the minute I step out of my house I have to deal with being a woman, never mind being a black woman or all the other layers that I come with, being a woman I have to deal with, I have to constantly make conversation about it or argue or stand up for something, that's the reason why.

O: It gets exhausting.

J: So exhausting, but this is nothing in comparison to the suffragettes, it's nothing in comparison to what Tracy Chapman went through, it's nothing in comparison to our ancestors, who paved the way for us to do this, so yes it's exhausting but imagine if we were still in a place where we had to hide our female bodies - and in some places in the world we still do - so, yeah, it's boring, and exhausting, but it's necessary so we have to keep doing it because the girls who grow up to be women later on their fight is different, but hopefully we've made it smoother - fingers crossed.

O: I think so. So, what’s the most positive change you think has come out of Shit Lesbian Disco?

J: I really don't know yet, cos we're still a baby. This is our second year and fourth event. Aside from the fact that we are the largest in the UK that is women only, and when I say that I mean literally every single human in the building is a woman, and also it's the fact that it's the very few spaces that openly celebrates trans and cis women coming together.

For me, on a personal note, the most positive thing that's happened to me is it has challenged my perception of what a woman is. Because I am still a product of a society which means I am laced in homophobia, I'm laced in sexism, I'm laced in racism, it's the world we live in. So I have to question my beliefs to be able to create a space that I'm trying to create and every day it challenges me. Because sometimes I'm having to say, 'Really? Why? Are you?', all these questions, and who am I to question it?

And luckily, there's a team of us. So you for example, I could come and say, 'Olivia, this happened the other day, and somebody said this, and this is how I responded, do you think I could have responded differently or what would you have done?’, and because you are Olivia of this background of this age, unless I speak to an Olivia, I don't know how to connect to that. Then hopefully my understanding of that type of woman grows, and I'm not just putting you in, 'middle class white woman blah blah blah, I hate them all!' it makes no sense! And growing up, I was quite militant, I'm a black woman, I'm muslim, I'm all of these things, and to all intents and purposes the world is against who I am. But it's not, the minute I sit down and speak to an Olivia, I realise, that actually it might be one Olivia out of 1000 that's actually against me, so rather than taking everyone with that one brush, I take time out and realise that maybe I won't hang out so much with this one, but I'll hang out with this one, I'll find out what this ones thought is. But even the ones that have negative thought, I'm still learning something, and vice versa.

O: What is your plan for the future?

J: To have two events a year up to 2019, and then on 2020 to have have a massive festival where 3000 women minimum come to it. And again same ethos. Everyone who is working front of house is all woman, all bar staff, all security, all engineers, all artists and musicians and all patrons who pay. So that's a much larger and harder project. I've just got to make that bit more of an effort to find all the musicians I need. To find the artists. To have the bravery, balls or cunt to say 'sorry, if you do have male musicians, for this event you're going to have to have a female musician’.

For an event so huge, it means that we're gonna need lighting, sound, stage hands, everything, possibly even rigging. And that's where the difficulty is going to come in, cos there aren't as many women in business in the technical side. And the women that are, they get to a certain point and then they leave cos of the mass amounts of misogny as well as sexism. So we're looking at training about 20 women and partnering up with, fingers crossed and touch wood, Z Arts and Manchester International Festival to make that happen. But I've got to prove to these organizations that this event is gonna work. And so far, I think I'm doing alright.

O: I think so. So, is there anything else that you want to say about Shit Lesbian Disco?

J: Come to it. If you're a woman or reading this, come to it. And experience what it feels like to be surrounded in the variety and diversity of what you are as a woman. Come and feel that feeling, it is great, it's so good. So please come to it, that's it.

**this interview has been edited for length**

Pics from www.shitlesbiandisco.com

TO BUY TICKETS FOR SHIT LESBIAN DISCO 4, PLS GO TO WWW.SHITLESBIANDISCO.COM

[tumblunni]

MAN I tried messing around starting newgame plus on Digimon Cyber Sleuth, even though I’ve played more than enough already so I’m not really gonna play again so soon after finishing. And... WHAT THE HELL?? Seriously this is like a one game microcosm of how you don’t realise how much you’re being mistreated until you see how the other side lives. Specifically on the subject of weird minority stereotypes... The difference between the designs/animations/general presentation of the two gender options is REALLY BIZARRE?? I had no clue! Playing as the girl you just kinda think ‘yeah thats weird maybe’ but you dont realise the dude doesnt have the same problems. Like... she VERY MUCH suffers from the ‘miss male character’ trope. She’s the weird sort of ‘lol sexy genderswap deviantart fanfiction’ version of a female option. I thought I was just reading too much into it with how the girl is posed like a supporting character on the boxart and literally never appeared in any of the promotional material until the game came out... Its just so... ODD! Everything EVERYTHING about her is defined to be this overthetop stereotypical idea of ‘we have to let them know she’s the girl version’. She’s far more sexualized, she always does these ‘girly’ or ‘hot’ poses for LITERALLY EVERYTHING! Like, the dude’s animation is just running but she has to run with her arms wide out to the sides, skipping like a five year old and swaying her hips. And her standing pose also has the hands out, her toes inturned, her chest thrust forwards and this general sort of ‘tee hee hee’ thing?? It really REALLY started to bug me how her chest is ALWAYS thrust forwards, I started to get super anxious about ‘holy shit am I ever doing that when I walk and i dont know it? is this really how female bodies are supposed to work??’. Its like her resting pose is this thing and its extremely painful for her to fold her joints back into a normal mode. And she’s always always posing when the dude isnt posing AT ALL, even her selection screen image is her doing the ‘one leg bounces back while you kiss someone’ type pose, contorted into a wild accordion while he’s just looking at the camera. I jsut... didnt even realise what was bothering me so much about playing as this character, til i saw the total absence of it on the dude... SERIOUSLY! He doesnt have some overstereotypical super huge macho animation set, his design isnt made to yell ‘I’M MALE’, he isnt sexualized, he isnt the ‘one body type everyone in this gender has to have’. He’s a scrawny androgenous waif that could have worked equally well if you slapped the label female on that design, somehow to make him female they decided they had to scoop out holes in his waist and hips and shove them on his chest. While also adding a bazillion extra animations that make her walk around everywhere like that one damn gif of terrible ragdoll physics as some guy walks down a road. I did not understand that whole assassins creed controversy about ‘but women need more animations, it’d be too much work to add them’. NOW I UNDERSTAND. Why on EARTH do they think they need these animations?? Women dont have to do everything differently to men to prove theyre women, in real life literally nobody worries about accentuating stereotypical gender roles while doing COMPLETELY NORMAL THINGS. Women dont put huge effort into looking cute or sexy while they’re just frickin walking down the street or standing alone in the privacy of their own home. Its like these people know so little about women outside of hollywood femme fatale movies that they legit think that sort of walk cycle is biologically ingrained into one gender???? The fact nobody ever acts like macho bodybuilder walk cycles should be given to normal tiny teenagers in every situation makes it pretty clear the difference here... And seriously, what is even this universal THING that ‘male are default, you need to mark a character as different to show she’s female’? Which usually means making her more feminine than the real female actor playing her, like that even makes a damn lick of sense :P I mean seriously if we’re gonna talk actual biology, men are the ‘different’. A species cannot exist with only men, the only one sex species are all female. Or lack a sex, or contain both sets of genitals. Also there is at least one bird species that has two male genders as well as female. And male seahorses get pregnant, and male clownfish can physically transition into females as part of their natural life cycle. And all sorts of far more diverse things we humans can barely understand! And like... you can say ‘women are the different and men are the blank, because women have boobs and men don’t’. But you can also say that women are the default because men are the same thing with penises added. And seriously, boobs are just nipples that actually serve their intended purpose. Women have this extra function compared to men because MALE BREASTS ARE VESTIGAL! The organ still exists, it just sits there doing nothing and never changes at puberty. (Though even that is more fluid that you’d expect, there are ways to induce lactation even if you’re a cis man. i dont really know why anyone would want to do that, it wouldnt exactly work as well, but whatever.) Aaaaand OF COURSE this entire thing is a stupid argument anyway because it only talks about biology, which is not the same thing as gender. Not to mention that biological sex isn’t all cut and dry either, the human species has A LOT of different intersex conditions. You can even have people who don’t have significant enough outward symptoms to be recognised as intersex at birth, who go their whole life thinking they’re a cis male only to suddenly find out they had an undiagnosed hormone condition and are technically a trans man. There is most definately no magical biological guideline for how men and women act. Especially frickin stupid nonsense like overspecific cultural guidelines on what’s cute for a woman to do while running, geez. You really can;t just ‘tell’ that someone is ‘really a woman’ or ‘really a man’ cos of how they act, and thats why this stuff pisses me off even when the story isnt saying anything about trans people. I’m so used to seeing this overexaggerated japanese concept of feminine/masculine mannerisms being used on trans stereotypes, it bugs me even seeing it being done to cis women... gahh this has gone wildly offtopic and I’m just venting Everything Bad About Stereotypes rather than the specific thing about this specific game I need to logoff and go cheer myself up. OH BUT yeah this game also literally has a friggin ‘we can tell this man is really a woman because mannerisms’ scene :P which also dissappointed the hell out of me cos it seemed like a trans character and instead it was the cliche I Had Some Reason To Pretend To Be A Man thing... Also apparantly instead of acting like that male persona, the male persona was magical brainwashing virtual reality stuff. What a wasted opportunity! You could have told us a lot of stuff about her personality from comparing how she acted while under this other fake personality, and what it implies she hides from other people. Like ‘hey, maybe she actually can be confident as long as she’s wearing a mask!’ Nah, everything badass or tough or sassy she did was just mind control. And she’s not trans. And blehh being outed by ‘acting like a girl’... Its so weird cos the game actually does have one trans npc in a sidequest, and has trans themes with a few major digimon. In the sense that they were male in previous seasons and have designs considered ‘masculine’ but take female forms when disguising themselves as humans. (and the player-controlled versions of these digivolutions even have different masculine voices matching earlier seasons!) Gahhhh at least I can sit here hugging my ambiguously genderqueer alphamon headcanons and nobody can tell me those arent canon cos the question was never answered either way! I hate the cliche answer that ‘yes all alphamons are male cos they ‘look male’, this one was just a man disguised as a woman’, but still even if that was the intent, it means the character is trans coded! EITHER OPTION IS TRANS TIME protect me, alphamon protect me from super gender essentialist game how do you even EXIST in this game?? seriously even your human disguise was super fanservicey weird female stereotypes mannnnnn i guess I had a few problems with this game aside from the one stupid rape scene :P aaaaand the problem of the game clearly being written assuming nobody would play the female option, so characters still constantly call you ‘he’ and such the only good consolation being that the game accidentally becomes Hella Gay, though I would have preferred canon lesbians instead of this weirdness WHY CANT FEI AND YUUKO BE CANON IT GOT SO CLOSE TO BEING CANON THEN FEI DISSAPPEARED FROM THE PLOT FOREVER only reappearing as a postgame newgame plus bonus boss that makes it impossible to complete the damn Masters Cup damn you fei damn you awesome amazing hella gay fei whom i love you deserved to be in a better game you deserved to be the matt-esque rival, i will never forget that you started off teasing that role and then just vanished... HELL, CAN SHE BE THE PROTAGONIST OF A SEQUEL OR SOMETHING game entirely about her and yuuko’s amazing story of love! also alphamon wandering in just to yell ‘I AM CANONICALLY TRANSGENDER’, make everyone a cup of coffee, and leave aaaaa why did i spend so long rambling every single complaint about this game, games in general, gender stereotypes in gender, life in general... its weird how just realizing ONE THING about a stupid walk cycle animation made me realise my general nebulous feeling of uncomfortableness that I could never explain about this game :P I am really excited for digimon world next order being better than this!