#and its just occured to me that i could actually
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Maybe this is just me. But. When you step back and look at the last 20 years, isn't it a bit weird what, specifically, is still being censored, vs what isn't? It used to be that even in Saturday morning action cartoons based off superhero comics, like Superman TAS, you often couldn't show the specific frame of, say, a fist impacting someone in a fight. Now, this improved over time, but if you really pay attention, you'll notice a lot of the time instead of actually seeing an impact there's a white flash that conveys said impact without actually showing it.
The fear among censors was that any violence that could easily be replicated by kids wasn't safe to show, and gun violence also got thrown in there since so many American families own guns. Incidentally, the DCAU is one of the biggest reasons this changed over time, but it stood for decades regardless. The kind of violence you saw in Tom & Jerry and the kind of violence you see today wouldn't have flown in the 90s and 00s.
Similarly, there were certain things you just couldn't really animate for kids and families when it came to things like body horror or outright cruelty that involved bodily trauma. There were times and places, genres, where it was a little bit more acceptable and you had more leeway - gross-out humor has always been a thing and has allowed more freedom in form and disgust, and horror media, even when aimed at a younger audience, is allowed to get away with more because it is an inherent aspect of the genre by nature - but you usually wouldn't go into something like Spongebob expecting something truly gruesome or horrific to look at.
When body horror did occur outside of its native environments, it was always toned down or humorous in some way. Think pulling off a face but you just see a skull or some messed up computer parts, or the OG Spongebob Halloween episode where he gets shaved down to a brain and a nose. It was gross, but it wasn't quite horrific, because firstly it wouldn't really serve the intended purpose of comedy, but also because censorship about that sort of thing was a lot more strict, it was categorized under violence.
Meanwhile today you have episodes where Spongebob's face skin is peeled off to reveal the highly detailed musculature underneath in an image that is not in any way humorous, or Squidward's toenail trauma depicted in a way that is not disgusting for the sake of humor but gratuitous and horrific for its own sake, and nobody bats an eye. Not the kids watching, not the Christian adults, and certainly not the censors.
And that's not necessarily a bad thing! I have a low tolerance for body horror in general which is why I chose it as the topic here, but I can just. Not watch. Evidently times have changed and these sorts of things aren't as off-putting for newer generations, or maybe I'm just especially susceptible to it. I don't think it's inherently bad if the world moves on without me and I end up left behind in some aspects, that's part and parcel with progress, and all things considered, it's probably a good thing that censors aren't so up their own ass about this stuff anymore. It allows for more freedom, and not everybody's going to jump to the extremest of extremes now that they have it.
But when you step back and look at how censorship has loosened over the years with regards to violence, body horror, sexual innuendo, themes and topics... you ever notice that anything even remotely queer hasn't received that same sort of grace? If anything it feels like it's gotten even tighter restrictions, if only because it's so front and center in the cultural conversation these days, and the public is more okay with it than the censors are. But any mention of queerness, especially transgender queerness, and suddenly the Comics Code Authority is very real again and your show is poised to lose a sizable chunk of Christian and/or Conservative viewers.
Nobody cares anymore if Spongebob is dissected on screen with unnecessarily detailed human-like anatomy showing all his muscles and ligaments and various blood vessels, that's just health class. So it wouldn't have flown back in 1995, who cares? But god forbid you have a story that treats a transgirl like she's a human being! Oh no, no, no! That's not appropriate for children. That's not appropriate for anyone! And even with homosexuality - yeah, we get our gay couples now and then, but you ever notice how a lot of them are either at the very very end, or when they aren't, suddenly that show ends up cancelled early or facing production or promotional issues for some strange and definitely unrelated reason?
Violence is okay. Even sex is becoming more okay than it used to be. Being queer still isn't, though. We still get censored into the dirt.
It's been incredibly surreal watching it gradually unfold these past 10 or 15 years. The more things change, the more they stay the same. And it always goes on to reveal the inherent biases and flaws with the idea of censorship in the first place.
Maybe it's time we stop trying to classify media as being strictly for any one demographic, to stop censoring any content whatsoever in its entirety no matter who the "target audience" is, and force parents to actually do their job and vet what their kids watch themselves. Maybe we shouldn't leave it to some old white business major to decide what is or isn't suitable for who, as if they are the only thing standing between the human race and moral annihilation. Maybe people should just make up their own minds on what is or isn't okay instead of having it dictated to them by someone else. Maybe.
That video of Alex Hirsch reading S&P notes for Gravity Falls conveys a few things to me:
1) the U.S. entertainment industry (especially animation) is run by older conservative types who make up offensive terms and get really mad about them.
2) the people who run Disney would be the first to fall in line with a fascist regime.
3) most of the media we consume is tailor-made and watered-down to appeal to the tastes of older, deeply religious conservative audiences.
4) conservatism, not the left, is and always has been the biggest voice of censorship in American culture.
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#idk why im making so many polls today#but i made a joke the other day when i did the lineart for my lucifer piece#of 'babe wake up new colouring page dropped'#and its just occured to me that i could actually#like#yeah#i could just drop some of my clean lineart and let yall go ham#hartradio#artist on tumbrl
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I love fandoms, especially witnessing what fans take away from source material and how fans interpret it based on their experiences. Not to mention the stark difference of interaction between new fans, casual fans, experienced fans, and long-term fans.
I say this because the SVSSS fandom has continuously fascinated me in insisting in discussions that there are parallels between Shen Jiu and Luo Binghe (tell don't show), but in their fanworks, I just see parallels between Luo Binghe and Yue Qingyuan (show don't tell).
And it's not even (fully) a case where they're blending character personalities because they want what the other dynamic has, it's just how the characters are based on canon in two different timelines.
All of this to say, perhaps original draft PIDW (NOT original!PIDW nor pre!SY PIDW which are completely different) was supposed to revolve around the dynamic between SJ and YQY vs SJ and LBH. Perhaps YQY was to be the last hour mastermind, the true foil to LBH.
And fandom is just circling this idea without realising it because, once again, the unreliable narrator that is SY has already convinced this fandom that any version of SJ has to be a/the villain, regardless if it's through his own actions or baseless rumours.
Warning, run-on sentence ahead.
I don't know, mans, but it's gotta mean something that LBH and YQY have such similar life beats of being orphaned and having a tough life but remaining kind/compassionate because they had someone to live for until they didn't which left them empty until they found (or refound in YQY's case) one (1) man to obsess over in an uncomfortably intrusive way with no regards for his feelings and rejections, eventually reaching a position as the most powerful being in existence with a huge caveat that their sword is 83% of that power and is slowly killing them which did nothing to soften said man of their obsession's into showing them kindness leading to the ultimate confrontation between the two in which only one could survive and keep their obsession, not that it mattered because neither of them got to experience his feelings reciprocated, except in another timeline where the same things are happening until their obsession suddenly stops rejecting their (still intrusive) advances even if he is acting a bit silly, but hey take advantage while you can and take advantage they did because now they have that reciprocated feeling (except one still "won" as he gets to keep him for himself) and be thankful that all it took was, in their perspective, a near death fever that drastically changed his personality and most likely left him crippled in some other way, preventing their obsession from not NOT needing them anymore, all-in-all fulfilling their desire to be relied upon again, hooray! 😋😁✌🏽
In all seriousness, at the end of the day people are going to draw connections between characters that fit whatever narrative they understood from the story. SVSSS fandom just seems to be trying to convince others of one narrative while believing on a deeper level of another narrative. It's amusing and makes following the fandom fun.
#the hippo speaks#shen qingqiu#shen jiu#luo binghe#mxtx svsss#svsss#svsss fandom#yue qingyuan#i am never going to get over that the fix it for the pidw!timeline proposed by svsss#was to put its titular character through traumatic brain injury that changed his personality and scrambled his memory#all so these two overly attached men could have their feelings returned#i know that's grossly simplifying it but sometimes you gotta do that#to understand the sheer horror of what actually occurred#sj: I hate men because they've ruined me to get what they want. i will never again give men what they want.#system: well that's not gonna fly buddy so we'll just replace you with someone who will give men what they want#also system: but the kicker is your replacement won't know he's giving them what they want because he doesn't understand your trauma 😁#system cont.: so it'll actually be super romantic and just a hint traumatising here and there for when he doesn't give in#system cont.: but thats ok because he's soft so he'll bre- ahem fall for one of these men soon enough#system: and then all will be saved 🥰 just like the replacement sqh accepting his man's abuse instead of fighting it teehee 😋#telling y'all the system is a reference to ill advised fans who think being stalked is a complimemt and being abused is protective#and being gaslit is just how people talk 🥲#the hippo tags
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I'm reading A Lonely Place of Dying and Alfred latching immediately onto Tim is NASTY work. Tim shows up and is like "I never aimed to be Robin! I mean I did karate my whole life to emulate Robin and just so happen to have sought you out and grabbed this costume in my size out from that case and really you should be calling me Robin just for now and let me come with you as Robin but I never dreamed it would specifically be ME being Robin. You have a lovely house and home btw :) Now go back to being 10." And Dick's understandably like "No I am a grown man now who are you" and Bruce is not here for this one, but later on is like "You aren't Robin, you're some kid dressed up like my dead son." But Alfred?
IMMEDIATELY Alfred is implying Dick was trying to subtly ask Tim to be Robin (simply not true in in NTT 61, when the implication is made, although he changes his mind in Batman 442) and that Bruce should be grateful for this young man's profound bravery and immense natural skill and maybe show him a few pointers or something idk we'll see :) Like let's be clear, the idea that Tim didn't want to be Robin is simply not part of this story outside of like two lines of dialogue where he's like "oh I didn't consider it could be me!" after which he immediately goes "Wow so you ARE gonna let me be Robin right?" the second he sees the opportunity. The guy essentially makes himself Robin once Dick makes it clear he isn't gonna be. Dick tells Tim nobody should be at first (until he changes his mind) but is ignored because Tim doesn't get why and goes with what he understands, his own stance.
I'm of the opinion that the whole "Tim understands that being Robin is an arduous task full of suffering from the start and chooses to bravely yet sadly martyr himself for the cause" thing I see sometimes is strongly disproven, at least in the beginning of his Robin career, by his "Batman NEEDS a Robin (to love and care for and to watch out for him in return :) )" line of reasoning, his subsequent willingness for Anybody to be Robin whether or not it was him (unless he was consciously okay with other children suffering for his benefit which I find really hard to believe,) and his active glee at anything involving being Robin and persistent smiling pursuit of Doing So against Batman's strong disapproval, because he hasn't officially said no (he did several times, but you can't blame a kid for being excited.) Like, I think he said he never dreamed of being Robin just because having a kid come in begging to replace Batman's dead son because it was a personal aspiration would be extraordinarily rude and arrogant and they wanted people to like this one. He was NOT in any way adverse they just couldn't make him THAT presumptuous, and he is by nature of what he's doing already moderately so.
But say it was true, that Tim was actively opposed to being Robin? Alfred would be pushing this shit HARD onto this thirteen year old kid like what the fuck bro. And "From what Master Richard said, he follows your orders." is HEINOUS but let's not get into that.
#of all the robins so far Bruce has foisted Robin on Tim is by far the least Foisted#“Even if he's right I dont want another Robin” vs “He doesn't want me but he hasn't told me no yet :)”#“You can't kill batman or nightwing!” “Or Robin?? :D”#bro is literally “And Bumblebee!”#tim says he never wanted it for himself but he actively seeks out being Robin so I think that's like “oh i never imagined”#^I've finished reading through and other dialogue directly confirms this#“yeah it hasn't occurred to be that I could ever be Robin but yk just in case-ies I've been actively preparing to be Robin half my life”#I considered the “being robin is a burden” angle to that line but if that IS what he's saying#it would be pretty fucked up that he'd be okay with anyone being Robin him or not. Like he doesn't come into this AIMING to be Robin#because he's never thought about it#and he clearly has no sense of why Dick is saying no so I can't fully buy into that#I guess the best answer rlly is him being like “oh little old me being robin? :o well gosh golly im doing that now”#i mean the actual best answer is “whoops fuck actually people want Robin back in the story egg on our face with that one”#but yk. in universe#“if they think they can kill Robin with no repercussions who will they hunt down next!”#I mean. They can do that. It becomes a major issue that they can in fact do that with no repercussions. They would be right because its tru#In his first story Tim is ALREADY hyping up the cops as an impregnable force. This is subtle Chuck Dixon foreshadowing#tim drake#batman#dc comics#alfred pennyworth
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Sparkstember Day 24: FFS (Things I Won't Get)
I have something terrible to confess, which is that at first I was not much of an FFS fan, at all. I actually actively DISLIKED most of what I've know from them at that point, which was what the Spotify algorithm seemed very content to throw at me whenever possible until it eventually forgot about it. Well, nothing wrong with that I guess, but I also want to think that most of my initial aversion to this project came from how I was still pretty, uh, close-minded in a sense when it comes to music at the time (and I'm saying all this as though FFS is even THAT much of a departure from Sparks, which it's really not? But maybe I just I saw it differently back then, which I guess is also fair).
But yeah anyway, I had a huge change of heart a couple months later, decided that all these songs are incredibly cool actually and I'm a huge fan now. This is a very solid collaboration and album and I'm so glad this happened. Like, it really is among my very favourite things from Sparks that I barely ever think about in such terms for some reason. Because I've noticed that I treat FFS more like a compliation than an album maybe? Cause yeah I'm pretty sure this is the only album where I have 30-40+ plays on several songs and only around 5 or so on a couple others. And I'm not super attached to the order of the tracklist either, and I'm mostly saying this because I've been a 100% albums over playlists type of person for the longest time. I will listen to the whole album start to end even if I don't like everything on it. It's like, well, if I like the whole thing enough to revisit it, then too bad, I'm sitting through it all until I can enjoy everything on it to at least some extent.
Overall, to me this album embodies that mid-2010s electro pop / indie rock energy that I love very deeply, in the sense that it feels appropriate to think, had I known about it back in the day, I feel like I would have LOVED it and it would have been my personal soundtrack of those early middle-school years of my life (or even earlier, I have this one note of me saying that "FFS is so primary school-core it hurts", so. While it didn't exist in the world yet at that time it still FEELS like that time, and I absolutely love it when music reminds me of a period in my life from around its release even if I was absolutely not aware of it yet at that point. It's like this source of free nostalgia that you didn't know would be attainable from this particular place.)
Also I will just say that it's ENTIRELY because of FFS that I eventually decided to give FF a go as well, and now I'd consider them one of my favourite bands, so, well, heck yeah to that!!
Favourite songs (and other highlights):
Johnny Delusional: oh yeah, I think it's important to note that it was especially THIS song that I found annoying as heck in the beginning. I thought it got very schematic and predictable at points (the long pause after the bridge especially I found to be so.... ahhhh come on, I could see this coming from a mile away!!) All of, which... well, maybe that was still a valid point in a way, but who cares since I love this song now, absolutely and completely and it's just soooo replayable. Every day is a good day to listen to Johnny Delusional a dozen of times
Call Girl: huge huge fan of the intro on this one and that whole wobbly synth sound it has
Dictator's Son: I really like that little guitar riff moment during the bridge
Police Encounters: notably the only FFS song among those early ones for me that I really liked from the start. And it's the ultimate jam, it's incredible how instantly happy and energized this song always makes me feel even after so many listens
Save Me From Myself
So Desu Ne: maybe the biggest offender (positively) when it comes to that "primary school-core" sound. Those cutesy synths are so important to me personally
The Man Without A Tan: realized quite regrettably late how much of a banger this is
Things I Won't Get: you know how it is with me and Russell's falsetto
So Many Bridges
#hell yeah ffs time!!!!!!!! so so awesome i love this album sm. so many of my most replayed songs are from it#for real so weird to think about how i was so ffs-averse at first. what was my problem honestly#i envy people who have been enjoying this album since its release. this could have been me in a better timeline#meanwhile i was too busy fixating on what was charting on top radio hits lists and such. not my best period#but maybe it was necessary and without it many later developments wouldn't occur. who knows#but also ok time to be vain now because i'm soooo happy with this drawing and the next one#(and the one after that too)#they're the best ones i've made so far for sure and i actually tried to put those two right next to the first two i made for this month#and the difference is actually so huge. i never thought i'd be able to get to this point and in just about a month too#i never thought i'd be able to finish so many drawings in such a short time either#so yay for progress. this is huge. to me at least#sparkstember 2024#my art#goose monologues
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#i graduated w my masters in library science last week!#and its so awesome and im so happy and everything#but it just occurred to me the odds that i represent too#out of all my friends from freshman year im one of a handful that graduated undergrad#one of two that have actually started grad school#and the only one who stuck it through#i know some of my friends would like to go back to school some day and more power to them i hope they can and do!!#but woah im the First to have two degrees of my school peers#also makes me feel good because neither of my parents finished a graduate degree (tho they could have if theyd prioritized it)#idk its nice to feel like im actually the best or the first to hit the finish line#because ive never been the best or the top ever#just very very good. if that makes sense. forgettably good#idk its a bad mindset to be in i know but the self confidence boost of having Two Degrees At Twenty Five is amazing
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wondering why im so fucking sleepy for no reason then remembered I forgot to take my meds for 3 days
#how did i live in this world unmedicated like#i have always been this sleepy and tired all the time i just thought it was a personal flaw#taking adhd meds actually made me so#idk when i first had it i coulsnt stop telling my friends how awesome it was to be awake#its like theres no longer a heavy cloud over my consciousness 80% of the time#i could actually read books without dozing off it was amazing ..#so why did i forget...idk i just forgot. i have the forgot disorder#tbh a few months ago id know if i forgot my meds bc I'd just suddenly get sleepy in the middle of the day#these few days i just attributed it to academic stress and lack of sleep and what not but it only just occured to me like#uh#5 min ago#that this is how i feel without medication#cool. cool. i forgot about my brain condition and accidentally slept my whole morning away instead of writing my reports#its actually crazy to me that i need external influences to function normally like i need my awake pills#caffeiene doesnt even do shit for me#i need my stupid fucking cocaine#sorry im just angry at myself again for 1)wasting away hours being sleepu#2)forgot my meds made me remember my debuff. a reminder that i cant ever be normal#adhd is fun except when its not fun then. it fucking sucks#its only good for yapping
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uuuuuhhh no reason just wanna see the robot get preggers because nobody is really taking advantage of the narrative consequences of the robots of ULTRAKILL having fleshy bits inside them (in my humble opinion hahahaha...hahaha....hah....). Anywhosen also a sucker for general Bad End especially when it involves a psycho-sexual (breeding) binding to a greater entity but also I wanna see the murder-robot get knocked up. And the galaxy brain bit of this is instead of calming down they just get Worse.
YEAH NO ONE REALLY TAKES ADVANTAGE OF THAT. and well i mostly assumed a very small percentage of people actually want to breed the robots like that which is why.
also i don't think this as a bad end, but a bad path that can lead to some other.. inch resting things (my stupid ass is trying to craft a plot with horror and drama from this path and how it'd change the story slightly despite knowing I will never get around to writing it in fic form except tiny excerpt ideas and art)
also i have so much to say abt the 'it doesn't calm down it just gets worse' bc its So true
#kicking my legs. it sooo genuinely gets worse i think it believes its actually in “love” with hell. and maybe it is.#gets worse and loses itself more and more. abandon any last trace of identity that had never been regarded anyway by anyone#its easy to let something guide you and instruct you in nearly everything if it feels too painfully good? and why spend more power thinking#altho for the. plot i was conducting in my head it was msotly involving gabriel and the primes bc of an idea my friend gave me which was#that if this occurred before v1 reached the prime sanctums it could have been guided or instructed to go to the sanctums but at the time#it does its currently carrying a child and because of that both the primes and v1 itself are spared because. i dont know if i think#the kings would fight a pregnant person . i at least think sisyphus Wouldnt because wheres the fun in an opponent who appears to already#be disadvantaged. (even if it can fare just fine.)#if any friendships were able to be made (cough . i like sisyphus qnd v1 platonic and romantic) itd be kind of. sad from an outside perspect#ve to watch it deteriorate into being less of its own entity and becoming slowly just another extension of hell. even in fighting it shows.#i wish i could explain it all better#and sorry if this ask is late to be answered i was writing my rwsponse at a con LMAOOO#.txt#ask#i want to write i have no timeee no energyyy but hear me out there is potential for crazy wackjob shit#ive decided also not to kill gabriel i think i should do somethign fucked up with him and his inexperience in relationshios#i forgot who suggested he should get so desperate that he begs for hell to take him as well. (which i cant decide if it would or wouldnt bc#its kind of really funny and mean if it#says no)
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FUCKED UP: i can muddle my way thru reading 80% of hiragana by memory now
#it never occurred to me in like 15 20 years that i could just kjsf actually sit down and start learning japanese. idk#its neat!!!!!!!
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#hm. im in limbo. but at least i can draw again at last. ive never spent so long not wanting to draw. it was terrible#my job search lasted 4 days before i secured a position at target but i dont start until the 26th so im drifting until then#it feels so weird. like i dunno. i keep thinking abt jobs in a weird way now bc i just sorta drifted into what i do#weird academic stuff but i think most jobs arent like being a grad student and that never really occured to me#i dunno why. i could have done so many things but here i am. an ecologist mostly. i dunno. well see what the summer brings#maybe ill grow some social skills. its sorta weird but like the medication has made my head less terrible with intrusive thoughts. like i#can actually drive my car without hyperventilating which is fucking wild. so Maybe ill grow some confidence abt interacting with the world#going back in the fall still seems impossible rn but so does starting a job somewhere else. but i dunno#not where i expected to be in my life. im just lucky i dont have to worry much abt money#especially bc i got an ultrasound done so they cold make sure something wasnt wrong with my uterus#and its fine. guess it just hates me but that means i spent like 350 dollars for a 10min scan that showed nothing#ay. the us medical system#anyway. i guess ill continue drifting until the 26th#probably i should find something to do. or work on my old unpublished data#unrelated
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klay 0 points but he looked sexygorgeous doing it + lockdown defense + mavs WIN and dubs clinch so im leaving here with something 🙂↕️🙂↕️
#nba#klay thompson#dallas mavericks#mavs lb#love when he makes shots but ive shrimply accepted that it is now a somewhat rare occurence which is understandable tbh given age/injuries#they could never make me hate u king#not even if u go 0/100 i srsly dgaf ur face card + beautiful soul more than make up for it i promise#freddie mercury voice#I look ... and i fiind ... I still love youuu#that said I really think people are not giving him enough grace or credit for all the positive ways he impacts the game#like he has set such an impossibly high standard for himself by literally becoming thee singular second greatest shooter OAT so#imo its pretty unreasonable for fans to demand him to put up prime klay numbers nightly when this team doesn't even need him to do that#to be able to win which is actually a good thing !!! not to be a +/- watcher but him just being on the floor opens up so much space for#everyone else because defenders will swarm him no matter what and he knows this because he is very smart !!!#I just have so much love in my heart for him and it physically hurts me to see anyone speak negatively about him after everything#that he's overcome and how critical he is of himself :( I just want him to feel loved :((#guys this is so stupid i don't even KNOW him and he still occupies a fairly large portion of my brain and heart 24/7 it's so badddd#steph and klay were my whole entire childhood and then i forgot about them for the year they were injured and then I remembered them again#after which they found their way back to each other and won the whole fucking thing !!! that's the shit of romcoms bitch !!!#and even if they really won't ever share a backcourt again (which pains me to even type out ew) I'll still love both of them#unconditionally i fear#and also forever#how can you not be romantic about basketball baby!!!#steph/klay#if you read all of this first of all im so sorry and thank you too lol :)
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Whoa I just had a surreal moment. I just saw the words from one of my most popular tumblr posts quoted verbatim in a tiktok/reel (idk which one it was)
#it feels very weird that people i dont know and who dont know me can quote the things ive said#not in a negative way. its just never occured to me before that that could happen#ok i am a little salty that its not even one of my good posts though 😭 its not original at all#BUT it is a post full of positivity and encouragement so actually. im glad it was that one thats getting around
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just realized my fatal flaw and the great struggle of possibly the rest of my life. while watching a cdrama.
#a sock speaks#local construction#fundamentally I lack the confidence needed to be a writer or a teacher#on the one hand I can't brazen my way out of this by pretending to be confident. I need to actually have the knowledge and skills I claim.#on the other hand I can't just say I'll be confident once I have more knowledge and experience. I have a master's degree!#I want to get more school but more school on its own will not fix this#I've let opportunities pass by because I was depressed. I didn't see how I could be enough for them.#or I was too tired (because I was depressed)#but sometimes it's bc I'm not sure if trying would make things better or worse (that one's on the OCD more than depression)#it makes sense that I lack confidence because of inexperience. but I can only gain experience by going for it. doing things badly is good.#it makes sense that I'm scared to face criticism. I've faced my whole community against me.#I've been stuck at someone's house debating scripture for hours with a migraine and no food. I think that was mildly traumatic for me.#but in most cases I am physically safe and the physical fear is irrational. I can work on this with some gentle exposure therapy.#but I need to bring together the effort to organize my thoughts and the bravado to hold my ground in an argument#and I can only build up this confidence with practice. I need to write. I need to do public speaking.#I'd need a platform for speaking (I'd hate to do a podcast or vlog but it'd be good for me)#but I should write! why am I not writing more? I need to write. writing is the way forward#several years ago I was in such deep despair with life that in order to survive I told myself#that I just had to survive. I didn't have to achieve anything or prove myself in any way as long as I stayed alive#and I went to grad school in Georgia not because I saw a path to a career in biblical studies but because school made me want to be alive#(extremely bizarre case of grad school not being the problem. I know.)#I know I missed a lot of benefits I could've had if I'd been mentally healthy when I went. but it's okay because it kept me going#I can go back to school or not go back. do biblical studies or do something else. I don't have big expectations for myself#but as my mental health improves it occurs to me that I COULD do more if only I believed it was worth the effort#I don't need to fear failure when the alternative was not even attempting it#I need to write. I need to write. I need to write.#I'm thinking I might start a newsletter or blog or something. some Bible stuff and some church/social commentary. just kind of open ended.
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me: i don’t wanna be a cog in the capitalist machine!! my job doesn’t care about me and i literally don’t get paid enough to care about it!!
the part of me relentlessly scrutinized for being the family fuckup: but,,,,when i do good job customers like me,,,,when i do extra managers think i’m the best,,,,
#bird noises#work sucks in a lot of ways#it’s just food service nothing special and it will destroy my body eventually#but also it is genuinely better for my mental health to just. get positive feedback and interact with people in a nice way#i havent really had any terrible customers yet. the occasional grumpy or kinda rude one but nothing i cant shake off in a second#that probably helps#its funny bc my parents notice the difference and its like GEE I WONDER HOW ELSE THIS COULD HAVE OCCURRED#PERHAPS IF THE HUMANS I LIVE WITH WERE ALSO NICE TO ME#but alas……#anyway thinking about this bc i accidentally volunteered myself to do two people’s closing tasks and that sucked#but my manager said im amazing soooooooooo maybe it was worth it#i’m gonna fight whoever’s in charge of their advertising tho for saying they have a ‘competitive wage’#which is $3-4 less than the nearby ‘good’ places money-wise AND ALSO. exactly the same or less than what people were making at this location#THREE YEARS AGO#which i know because i worked here. making $2.50 less. but i talked to the new hires and found out they made a good chunk more#we do get tips which is like an extra $1-1.50 so thats nice but its not competitive my friend#its barely acceptable#theyre lucky no one else would hire me#also pisses me off bc their main website advertises their starting wages as ACTUALLY competitive but c’est la vie#i’m in a weird situation where i need to Be Employed more than i need money per se so i’m fine with it for now#wren stop talking about panera challenge
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height differences in ships stop being fun when you have to start rewriting history and doing backflips to force it like omg.
#me personally i enjoy a good height diff ship when it just. occurs naturally#& i think the ones where its like an inch difference vs TWO FUCKING FEET like you see in certain fanart is cuter cuz its barely there which#makes it even more aggravating to be teased about.#also when did we get to a point where shorter automatically = skinner ? like. has fanon never heard of being short & stocky#i think most of my ships that have a height diff the taller one is lankier and little bit more leanly built#while the shorter one is a bit wider/more muscular. and that is so personal to me.#i knew we were doomed as a society when bucky barnes and jake seresin started being portrayed as 5’6 120 pounds…those men are GIGANTIC#they have MEAT on their bones. they eat steak and potatoes every night. they never miss a meal without complaining.#i think its also funny that people will force height differences between characters so hard when there are other ships in the same media#that ACTUALLY could give them what they want height wise 😭😭😭 like if u like tgm & you want a height diff ship payback n fanboy r right there#anyways.#that post ab making your middle aged favs look at popular fanart of themselves to give them body dysmorphia#carolcore
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ive been havin a worrisome amount of Gender Thoughts in the last few weeks. or months even. im this close to just shaving off my eyebrows completely. i need to do Something. i need Change. and therapy.
#bleaching them aint enough they grow back too fast#like ive been doing this ridiculously feminine gender expression and been treating it like. kinda of drag or sth.#but it does fuck with my brain a little i think. because im not like. pretty. and it kinda makes me wish i actually were? i cant get over it#im so tired of wanting to look pretty all the time its stopping me from really leaning into the unhiged strange and offputting vibe i crave#also i miss my emo bitch with heavy eyeliner era. like dont get me wrong this is fun and all but sometimes i really just wanna wear black#also i keep thinking about dying my hair something really dark. maybe even black yeah. who knows. but it just occurred to me.#white? maybe? i do like being blond but. white? that could be something? and if i actually do shave my eyebrows too?#that could really slay#god. god do you see the insane acrobatics i am forced to perform just because you didnt give me a moustache?#i feel like a nice moustache would really cure all my life problems. i mean. so would being skinny but thats less likely to happen so.#*i keep thinking about DYEING my hair. i do think about normal dying too but that's not part of my Gender Dilemma
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