#and its difficult to talk about this on here because like. i worry im gonna be used as like. poster child transphobic d/e/tr/a/ns stuff

[watery-melon-baller]

on the one hand, i really like working on the script for this video essay. on the other hand, it feels like im just being super negative and and a hater towards the entire toh fandom because they like making their dolls kiss

[cdk13]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[withlove-angel]

⚠️warning: platonic love, heartbreak

Love?

Buggy was inside of a bar with his crew, being upset and watching his crew have fun. He had no idea what he was upset about but he was a bit moody.

"Hey barkeep can I get a beer over here or something? What the hell's the hold up?!" Buggy yelled. He was more impatient and a pain in the ass.

The barkeeper managed to hand his order, its a busy day for the ones who work on this bar...

Buggy's eyes widened as he saw y/n. He had left her sleeping on the ship...

His girlfriend walk closer to him "buggs" she rest her hands on his shoulderas her boobs press against his back "on the bar again?"

Buggy was speechless, turned his face to her. "Hey Angel" He sounded upset.

"Whats the matter?" The girl had a worried face on. He is still not used to someone caring about him, it make him feel uncomfortable

The clown still looked annoyed "Oh nothing" Buggy muttered before sighing. He took his drink and took it down in one gulp.

She place her hand on top of his hand that is holding his cup, taking away from his lips "its not nothing if you are upset about it" she say sweetly, trying to help him even when look like he dont want her close.

Buggy tried to smile at her, but his face cant hide how annoyed he is. "It's nothing, y/n" He said harshly, his hands making a strong sound as he olac them on th table he is sitting "I don't feel like talking." He sighed and looked away, his leg shaking, his breath smelling a strong scent of alcohol.

She kiss him sweetly on his cheeks, trying to light his mood but only reciving his eyes rolling "im not gonna force you to talk... but... please dont take your frustration on the alcohol..."

Buggy blushed a bit, y/n dont know if it was because of the kiss or because he is slightly drunk, but then sighed again. He didn't want to say how he really felt. He put down the cup and the bartender filled it again with beer. Buggy kept his mouth shut and took a big sip.

"Buggy" she glare at him. He knows how much she hate when he takes his frustration on alcohol as he always did before meet her. This make her feel useless, she just wanted to help him...

"What!?" Buggy snapped at her. He was starting to get heated up. He was staarting to feel his blood boiling. "Just leave me alone! You just piss me off, i don'tneed you!" He growled and turned his back to her.

"Fine" she say upset "but dont say no one care about you when you were the one who snaped me away"

The captain scoffed and rolled his eyes. He drank all of the beer in his cup and pounded it on the table."Whatever," He mumbled and then tried to ignore y/n, and the tears that started to roll down her cheeks as she start to leave the bar... He just hurted the fisrt person that loves him for who he is in all his life...

For some reason e couldn't ignore y/n now. He turned around and saw her tears. He felt guilty but he still wouldn't apologize with sincerity. "Fine, I'm sorry" He said, rolling his eyes again.

She look at him like he just did something terrible... she never looked at him like that, her sweet look that he deny but he loves, wasn't there anymore. She leave the bar, letting him alone with his crew.

Buggy took another sip from his beer and he felt even more upset now than he did before. He couldn't stop thinking about how he hurt her. He knew y/n was the first person to truly love him, so maybe he should be nicer to her. That was a difficult thought to accept. He thought about y/n for a while and then decided to look for her. He walked out of the bar and tried to find his upset girlfriend.

He finded her crying her heart out on the beach next to where his ship is.

Buggy approached a crying y/n and he kneeled down next to her. He felt bad for making her cry. He then put his hand on her shoulder and started patting it. "What's wrong, Angel?" He asked her, sounding more concerned.

"I love you buggy... i really do... i gave up my old life to live with you on the sea... but i don't feel that you like me... you treat me like...like trash" she finally say

"Angel" Buggy sighed. He knew she loved him, but he didn't know how to love her back. His life had always been about himself. He didn't like anyone. "I love you too" He said, but he didn't sound that genuine. Buggy could see how heartbroken she was now, really because how sad her eyes had became.

He felt bad for her now. He sat down next to her and put his arm around her shoulders. He was confused about his feelings, he was always rude with everyon, its weird not being like that "Look, I said I love you, okay? I don't know what else you want me to do" He scoffed. "I said I love you. Happy now?"

She shakes her head, looking at his face while tears fall down, hugging herself as she bend her body away from his "you love me buggy? You really do?" She don't believe a word that he said. It hurted buggy, more then he imagined...

"Yeah! Of course, I do. What else do you want from me?" Buggy frowned and turned to her. "I said it already, and yeah, I do love you. Okay? So stop crying and bitching about it. Its not a big deal" He sighed. It was like he really wasn't trying to comfort her in anyway. He didn't want to put any effort into apologizing to y/n.

She shakes her head stop looking at him, she start thinking and it scared Buggy more than he wants o admit. She always was so open to him, even when he didn't want to, he didn't like it... or it was what he thought...

"Angel, look at me" Buggy grabbed harsly and turned her head to face him, leavinga red mark on her cheeks. "I said I love you, alright? I'm not really good at this, but I'm trying. You really need to stop crying now. I can'tbare a cry baby" He sighed and let her go, pushing her face away .

"Im tired" she say, pressing her hand on her cheeks as it is hurting "tired to dreaming that one day you will love me back as much as i love you" she say as she is finding the conclusion of something. Buggy eyes hiden, his legs start to shaking. He know he dont love her as much as she loves him... but she wont leave him right? She loves him... she wont leave... right?

->part2

[sturniolo-mairead]

"Slut!"

LetsTripTour!MattSturniolo x Popstar!Reader

a/n: in this fic i dont use y/n, i may in some future fics if i cant come up with a name 😭🙏🏻 Hope you guys enjoy, its my first fic!

in which Matt Sturniolo announces his girlfriend of 6 months. Presley Evans, global popstar! Nick and Chris are shocked because they didnt even know. Shes on tour down the road from the triplets' tour. he has the camera footage that would be on the big screen of her stage. They decide to watch her tour on their screen and they figure out she wrote quite a few songs about him! they soon meet up at matts hotel room later on.

warnings: use of the word slut, like a lot 😭🙏🏻

Matts pov:

"Next question, 'does anyone have girlfriends or in nicks case a boyfriend' Well i'm very much single" my brother said. Shit. I've had a secret girlfriend for 6 months now. We have talked about going public. She said shes okay with it. It's just difficult because shes a global superstar! It's been stressing me out. I think i'm just gonna say it. I'll tell everyone here.

Presley pov:

Im about to go on stage. I talked to matt last night about going public with our relationship. It's kind of getting exhausting having to sneak around. I've been a target for slut shaming because of how many guys ive dated, but i got into the industry when i was 15! It's not my fault. My managers say it's good for 'traction' or whatever. I sent matt the camera footage that would be on the big screen of the stage. Im performing in a stadium tonight, it's my all stadium tour. I just hope he tells his crowd, thats coincidentally, down the road from the stadium. He could connect his phone to the screen behind him and his brothers and show them my show, but i don't know if he will. I understand his anxiety thats going to come with going public, especially him now going to have paparazzi following him and his brothers everywhere, and me. He's gonna be more worried about me than he's ever been before because of his female fan base, they'll send me death threats and hate, more than i normally get. It's not like I'm not used to it though. I just hope he does whats right for himself and how he's feeling. I don't want him to feel pressured to tell everyone because I am ready to.

Matts pov:

"Nah i'm still single, sadly." chris said. I stayed silent. I could just spit it out. "Matt? we all know your single" chris teased. "actually.. I do have a girlfriend." i spat out. "WHAT?" nick said, he was as shocked as he should be. "yeah, we've been talking and we think we want to go public. She is a celebrity," i went on, "her name is Presley, Presley Evans." The crowd went wild. "SO ALL THOSE TIMES IVE SCREAMED HER SONGS IN THE CAR YOU DIDNT THINK TO TELL ME YOU WERE DATING HER?!" I laughed, "i guess not, I have camera footage thats om the big screen of her tour thats going on right now, i could put it on?" i suggested.

Presley pov:

"Presley! Time to go in 5!" one of my managers told me. "Okay! coming!" i say, Matt told me he'd text me if he told everyone, and he hasnt texted me. Im starting to lose hope when, Ding! i rush to check my phone. Twitter. Not matt.

'Matt Sturniolo comes out saying hes dating global superstar Presley Evans!'

holy shit. he did it. I laugh and squeal as i jump in my bedazzled heel boots. "Presley? what happened? are you okay?" my manager asks. "HE DID IT!! HE TOLD EVERYONE!!" i scream and jump around and laugh. "Presley, are you serious?!" my manager says, she seems angry? "whats wrong?" "Presley! this could be so bad! you'll become a lightning rod for slut shaming!! His fan base is mostly girls, they'll be angry! You could be in danger! You didn't even ask me if it's a good idea!" My manager yelled. I hate to say it, she was right. I probably should've informed her i would do this. But she is not allowed to shit on my relationship. I wanted it to go public. "Listen, Trina. This is my relationship. I know where you're coming from, a place of worry. But i know i've been through worse. You were with me since i was 15, you know how strong i am. I appreciate the worry, but let me do my thing. Ive been hiding my relationship for 6 months. Putting Matt in the shadows. Im done doing that. I love him. Thats never going to change. Let me do things- no. Let me and Matt do things our way. Now i have to get to the stage. Thanks for the input." I finished. I walked away, I had on my white bedazzled heel-boots with my skirt that was tied on one side up, showing my whole thigh. the rest barley covered anything which was good because i had on a white bodysuit under. I had on a corset top. It was all white, the whole outfit. I looked amazing, i checked myself out as i walked past a mirror. I heard music start up, somebody came and handed me my mic as i walked toward the piece of my stage that moved up and down. I stood in the center preparing to go on.

Matt pov

I put on her show on the screen. I hear music start. Just in time. Everyone's eyes are glued to the screen. I look around, nobody recognized the opening notes.? I didn't either. As far as i know, theres no songs about me. As far as i know.

"Flamingo pink"

I really don't recognize this song, i feel terrible that i don't.

"sunrise boulevard, clink clink. being this young is art."

"who do you guys think this song is about?" nick asked. I know of all her exes. They all treated her like shit. I am determined to be different. I think this is a love song? she has some love songs, then breakup songs after because they put her through hell. I'd never do that, I will never.

"Being this young is art Aquamarine Moonlit swimming pool"

This could be anything, we're both still very young. Shes 20, Im 19. I turn 20 soon.

"What if all I need is you?"

So it is a love song.. i wonder which ex it's about? Maybe Johnny Orlando? (no hate to Johnny Orlando fans just needed an ex lmfao 😭) We all just stand and admire her. She looks gorgeous. Fucking beautiful, How do you fumble her? Shes like a goddess. "Maybe this songs about you lover boy" Chris says, jesus christ i hate that fucking nickname. "shut the fuck up chris! And i don't know, i don't know if she has songs about me" I say, I wish she had written a song about me.

"Everyone wants him,That was my crime The wrong place at the right time. And I break down, then he's pullin' me in. In a world of boys, he's a gentleman"

she always refers to me as a gentleman, she always says everyone wants me too.. "HOLY SHIT!" I scream, i didn't mean to, i just did. "What?!" nick said, "THIS SONGS ABOUT ME!!" "BITCH WHAT?!" "oh my god" i say.

Presley pov

I open with "slut!", a song about matt. I never tell him any songs a write about him because, well, theres a lot. I don't wanna seem creepy, but constantly writing songs about one person could be taken that way. I hope he catches on though. I always say everyone wants him and I always call him a gentleman. "And if they call me a slut. You know it might be worth it for once. And if I'm gonna be drunk. Might as well be drunk in love" I finish the song. I don't know what matts thinking, i don't even know if he was watching, i put on my best show nonetheless, just in case he was. I didn't want to disappoint him. Should i tell the crowd the songs about him? Maybe i will. "Hello! and welcome to the "Slut!" tour!"

A/N

cliffhanger! Okay so i've had this idea for a long while now i've just never gone through with writing it but i finally have! This gonna be a series and it's gonna be like every song she performs is a different chapter! This chapter is "Slut!" and thats also the name of the album! I've taken songs that already exist and made a whole new playlist/album type thing! Each song will be a surprise as the next chapter title! In total im thinking 19 parts as there are 18 tracks and then 1 extra chapter for after the tour when taylor and matt meet up 😉 I'll also be working on making my masterlist so you guys can easily access this series! See you next time 💕

[piffany666]

Ok just one more punk progeny wont hurt ~

Chapter 9: differences

(Ftm Bright eyes - uses he/him pronouns)

(Lovely demi girl - uses they/she pronouns)

Tw: underage drinking

Lovely gave a hesitant knock on Bright's door.

A few seconds later Lovely was met with a very agitated looking Bright eyes.

"What is it?....you brought wine...?"

Bright's tone was initially very defensive, until his gase made its way down to the noticeably large and decadent bottle in Lovely's hands.

"Yeah I found it on one of the shelves in the hallway, its not doing any good being up there so i thought why not use it to celebrate you becoming part of the solair clan? I know you're technically not old enough to drink but hey! I think spending eternity being 19 is way too harsh of a punishment to do sober, so what do ya say?"

Bright eyes looked stunned, but nonetheless, he answered.

"I say mind the empty boxes and get your ass and that bottle in here!"

20 minutes later:

Let it never be said that Bright and Lovely weren't lightweights.

They were both sitting on the bed, pouring wine that was older than both of them combined into mugs Bright had brought up to his new room.

The blush on Bright's face was a shade of crimson against his skin. Lovely's was a deep pink.

They giggled between slurred words as they housed down the wine.

"Ok ok so- im sorry i-i have to ask"

Slurred Lovely.

"Yeah? Hic* whats up?"

Bright eyes answered, finding it increasingly difficult to sit up.

"You and Porter?"

Lovely didnt even finish before they both burst into a cascade of giggles, she didnt have to. Bright knew what she ment.

"Whaaat?"

Asked Bright eyes, as if Lovely was judging him for his taste in men.

"Nothing nothing! It's just hic* I heard from alexis that you where hehe~"

Lovely playfully nudged Bright's side, he giggled and pushed her away in response.

"Dont be gross!"

"Haha! What? I was just asking! I mean you've only known him like less than 20 minutes"

Bright couldn't help but smirk at this

"Uhh actually hehe we had already met, at a bar hic* the other day"

"Oooh! So this was like a reunion? Got it"

"Hehe yeeah, wait hic* how dose alexis know about that?"

Lovely began pouring another mug

"Oh she said she walked in on you two going at it in the hallway"

Bright eyes nudged Lovely with his mug, gesturing that hed like a refill

"Oooohh that explains why he dipped out on me"

Lovely began pouring another mug.

"He's probably waiting for YOU you know? I bumped into alexis on my way here so he's defiantly finished talking with her soooo"

Lovely was done with refilling his cup however he nudged her arm while she was pouring, indicating that he wanted more than what she was allowing him to have.

Lovely stumbled a bit because of this and for a second she worried that the wine would spill onto the bed and stain it.

"Yeeaah but I'll be damned if i wait around for a man for too long so hic* i left after he was gone for like hic* 1 minute...?"

Bright took the mug from her without any consideration that it could spill, and to Lovely's relief it didnt.

"What you gonna do if he shows up here?"

"Hic* I dunno probly turn him away"

"Heck Yeah!"

Lovely high fived the hand that didnt contain a mug full of wine.

"You know how much me and vincent hate Porter? I'm not judging you buuut"

Bright scoffed

"Why tho?"

"Hic* long story, I can already feel a headache forming"

Lovely grabbed at the skin between her forehead. Her vision was begining to blur. So was Bright's

"Damn how'd you manage to get a hangover BEFORE you're done drinking?"

"Oh piss off!"

Lovely playfully pushed him but due to his state he fell backwards instantly, the wine splashed as he fell

"OH SHI-"

Bright exploded with laughter, ignoring the wine he spilled over himself.

Thankfully he didn't get any on the bed sheet.

Once they had both calmed down, Lovely realized something.

"Wait- Wait.... Porter told us that he was talking a 'newborn' to the summit as his plus one"

Bright looked stunned, then his brows furrowed.

"Was he talking about you?!"

The question caused Bright's previous expression to change into one of suprise and confusion.

"I mean....he didn't SAY anything to me about it...?"

Lovely pushed herself up from the bed

"So you're telling me that asswhole said he was bringing you to the summit WITHOUT EVEN ASKING YOU FIRST?!"

Lovely recalled just how stressed Vincent was over inviting an additional vampire to the sumit, them being a newborn made things even more inconvenient, but the fact that the person he was inviting was not only already invited but they were the god damn guest of honour?!

Lovely was pissed, in more ways than one and it showed.

"Hey chill out! He probably didnt even mean ME i-im I was....just a one nighter i mean come on!"

"Dont play dumb! I saw how he looked at you today in that meeting, heee likes youuuu~"

He agressive tone from before had vanished and turned into a juvenile one, the kind youd expect to hear at a 12 year old's sleepover"

"Please stop"

They went back to laughing hysterically.

4 mugs of wine and 1 black out later:

"You know...I was a foster kid"

Bright was just coming to when he heard this.

"Really?....how did you know I was one too?"

"Vincent told me"

By this point they were both close to falling asleep at any moment, however, this was something Lovely had wanted to talk to Bright about since the moment Vincent had told her this piece of information, so she pulled herself together and took another sip, hoping it would keep her awake despite it being the thing causing her fatigue.

"Vincent told me that you told him"

"Oh Yeah, I remember"

Lovely once again was lost on how to continue this conversation.

"D-do you have any siblings?"

"Well-"

Bright hesitated.

"I don't know what it was like for you but in the homes i went to we all considered each other 'siblings' but biological? No. Not that I know of"

"Huh. Do you still keep contact with any of them?"

Lovely couldn't tell if he looked sad or just tired.

"I did. With one of them. But then she just...stopped"

"I'm really sorry"

For a moment they just layed there, quiet and still.

Until Bright got up and poured himself another, seemingly doing the same thing Lovely was attempting to do.

"What about you? Got any sibling?"

Lovely seemed to perk up at this.

"Yeah actually. Biological but they got adopted before me, the parents only wanted them"

Bright scowled.

"Tipical, honestly, they should do two for one deals with these sorts of things?!"

Lovely assumed he was joking due to the serious nature of the topic of discussion, so they laughed.

"Yeah Well, I was lucky enough to keep contact with them the whole time online, last year I got to meet them in person tho since I started going to damn and theyd been going there a little while before me"

Bright gave a warm smile. He seemed genuinely happy to hear that lovely was able to see their sibling again.

"They're doing good for themselves too, they have a nice boyfriend, a good friend group and they're so damn talented with magic!....I'm glad they ended up ok even without me"

Lovely gently touched his arm.

I'm hoping that even with your rough start, you can do the same"

His smile dropped as his lips parted in suprise, he didn't know how to respond. So he didn't.

He just clicked his mug with hers and continued to sip it.

The brim hiding his smile.

Vincent was still in shock in regards to what happend.

He would be lying if he said he hadn't seen Lovely angry before but this was....diffrent.

He also felt bad that Lovely had inadvertently made Sam feel like he needed to leave.

Vincent thought that the best thing to do would be to go and confront her.

But that was before he saw her and Bright laying on Bright's bed wasted.

"What the-?!"

"Ok ok so old wine....is good wine hic*"

Lovely didnt seem to notice Vincent standing gob smacked in the doorway.

"Yeah ok ok but hic* expensive wine....is good wine also-"

"What are you guys doing?"

Vincent finally got Lovely's attention.

"Oh hiiiii~ hey vinc hic* whats up?"

"A-are you drunk? Why are you drunk?!"

"Relax, I just thought we could use a drink is all"

Lovely was desperately trying to sit up, luckily her cup was empty so she didnt need to worry about spillage.

"We just established that Bright isn't old enough to even drink!"

"Oh chill out grandpa, Lovely here already got a headache"

Lovely, still stumbling over herself, pushing Bright eye's leg before falling over herself and eventually being caught by Vincent.

She looked up at him for a moment then smiled sweetly.

"Hi~"

She went to kiss him but she could barely keep herself up so she didnt succeed.

Vincent decided to excuse the absurdity of the situation and prioritise getting Lovely to bed before it got too light outside.

"Ok time to get you to bed, say bye to Bright"

"Byyee!~"

She waved lazily at him, he did the same.

Given Lovely's state, Vincent thought it was wise to ask Bright how he was holding up.

"Hey, you gonna be Ok?"

"Yeeeaah ill be fine"

Vincent trusted Bright not to do anything too stupid between now and night time.

"Alright then"

Vincent proceeded to carry Lovely into their bedroom a floor up.

Bright tried to sleep off the feeling swimming throught his head......But he couldn't.

Epilogue:

A knock on the door caused Bright eyes to jolt up from his bed.

He wasn't asleep, however he was still suprised by the sound, especially since the intoxicated state he was in amplified all sounds.

He groaned as he felt himself moving from his bed on the door.

"What?"

He slurred, voice thick with sleep.

He opened the door to Porter standing in front of him.

"I apologise for the late arrival~"

"Yeah? Why'd you run off before then? Cold feet?"

Bright had previously been told the answer to this question, however he still wanted to tease him, and see if he would tell the truth.

Porter winced at the implication that Bright had thought this entire time that Porter had left him due to "cold feet". Despite this, he coughed then gave a small slightly awkward laugh.

"N-no I do apologise for leaving its just....alexis saw us. I knew she would tell vincent and i really dont fancy having my head removed before I could get a chance to ask you something important, you understand?~"

Bright didnt answere, he did however share a kiss with Porter once he had finished apologising, he wasn't entirely sure who initiated it but he reciprocated nonetheless.

"Hmm~ may i come in?"

Bright could feel Porters breath against his lips.

Bright eyes smiled.

"No".

Then he closed the door to his room.

@darlin-collins thank you for proof reading as usual ♡

@anexistingexistence @you-think-i-care-mate

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey friend!! i'm just kinda here to rant but i'd LOVE some advice if you have any.

i live in the us, and my parents are trump supporters. i just got into an arguement with my dad, and im currently crying while writing this so sorry if there's any typos, and no matter how much i try to explain that MY LIFE would be in danger, its like he doesn't care?? or doesn't think i should be "worried" about it. but i fucking am. he's a priveledged white man who literally has no fucking clue, and i'm fucking terrified of this upcoming election. like he doesn't fucking get it, and any time i try a different avenue, he focuses on the "well actually it's not one man who writes laws now is it" LIKE THATS NOT THE FUCKING POINT.

i'm so tired of it. i'm tired of hearing him say he loves me while actively supporting a man who would take away my rights. i'm his DAUGHTER and he's gambling with my life because he thinks "nothing bad will happen to me". but it could. i've grown up my entire life being taught how to be safe and "don't go to gas stations at night" "check the back of your car" yk things that women are told from a young age to literally survive. it's not a fucking joke. and the fact that he wants to entertain the possibility of "it won't happen to you" until it does happen. and then what's he gonna fucking do.

also he doesn't thing climate change is real because "the climate always changes" and he's pro-is not real (dw not asking for any advice on that just kinda sharing his viewpoints) and i'm just fucking baffled that he can look at me and still think that he's on the right side. it kills me and i hate it. i couldn't even bring myself to make one passive aggressive comment to him before he went to bed because i would feel bad. I COULDNT EVEN DO THAT.

and what's worse is when i just talk to my mom, it's like she's there. she hears what i'm talking about, and idk if she believes it necesssarily (climate change) but she understands and i feel like im close to getting her to SEE it. and then my fucking dad comes in and starts talking about the economy and all these technical terms that i don't fucking understand so i can't even argue against it, and pulls her back in. like at this point i don't fucking care about the economy or fucking taxes. i want my RIGHTS to be fucking secured. this isn't just an election on who's gonna run the economy or whatever the fuck better, it's literally the difference between women having rights. and they don't fucking see that and i'm TIRED.

i'm tired and i'm upset and i shouldn't keep having arguement with him but i can't stop trying to fight for myself, in the event that SOMEHOW they actually consider me as a person.

anyway i'm sorry if any of this makes u uncomfortable

Hi!

Honestly I think these types of conversations are hard because with some people, no matter how hard you try, they're not actually willing to listen. So you just get annoyed and you feel unheard and invalidated and it makes things worse.

I guess my question is- is your dad one of those people? And if so, in the most loving and gentle way, are you wasting your time by trying to talk to him about this? It's really difficult to have to accept that, but maybe you need to focus on your mom right now, because she seems willing to listen and learn.

Sending love!

[kasaneteto]

ok i need some opinions

so i had the talk with my roommate about not wanting to sign another lease with him. that’s all fine and good he understands why we can’t be roommates anymore but the problem is he doesn’t want to let me be the one to stay at this apartment because he claims he can afford to live here by himself. i don’t really believe him but its neither here nor there because i know i can only afford to live here if i rent with two other people.

my reasons for wanting to keep living here are: i can walk to work, its going to be really hard to find another place that allows TWO cats, my cats are CRAZY and this apartment is perfect for them (lots of windows for passive engagement + a loft area for them to get up in), i have a LOT of plants because the place gets a lot of natural light, to find another place that would support all of these plants will be difficult. & in addition to all of that - my name is on all of the utilities + the WiFi. because he is too irresponsible to take initiative with anything. in a worst case scenario I would be able to move back in with my parents, but that would mean moving to the country where i would be completely isolated and would have to quit my job.

his reasons for wanting to keep living here are: he was the one who found the apartment & he can afford to live here on his own, and he doesn’t want to move. if he has other reasons beyond those he hasn’t told me what they are.

ive known he was a selfish person for years. i mean ive completely given up on ever asking him for a favor because he acts so burdened by it, if he even is willing to do it at all. its my belief that his selfishness is a trauma response due to his upbringing, but yknow, i can only tell the guy he needs therapy so many times before i have to give up to save my own energy. but i can’t help but feel like i deserve this apartment way more than he does. im the one who’s been taking care of it and keeping it nice for us. im the only one of us who’s in any way responsible. so for him to be so hostile about me wanting to stay (he got really defensive about it) hurts me a lot. i want to believe that he’s a good friend but I don’t feel like a good friend would see me move out of an apartment that’s perfect for me just because the alternative would make his life harder. he hasn’t been a good friend for a while so why am i still pretending he is?

so should i tell him all of these feelings? im worried that its going to come across as emotional manipulation. because like… i can’t lie, my main reason for wanting to tell him all of this is so i can stay here and he’ll move out. its hard to not feel like a hypocrite calling him selfish when thats my deepest motivation. but its not my only motivation, i truly do believe that erik is unaware of this behavior of his and that he WANTS to be a good friend, and i wonder if me being honest with him is the wake-up call he needs in that regard? idk. i just want to be a good friend while also standing up for myself. its hard to navigate stuff like this.

so uh. should i tell him i think he’s being really selfish about this? and that ive noticed a pattern of selfish behavior in him? be honest if im being a dickhead about this too and should just give up the place to him like if thats he truth i wanna hear it. it would just kill me to see his irresponsible ass bite off more than he can chew and lose this place, esp since the rate we’re renting at is the 2021 housing rate like its gonna be SO much more expensive to find a place this nice in the current housing market 😭

[prncssie]

im sorry but ahh Kyojuro !!!!! he literally has my heart ! he's the sweetest most precious babyy !! can you give us some hc's for modern era Kyojuro x reader who has bpd ? >< it is kinda umm difficult and tricky to write about something like this so its understandable if you ignore this >< but ah thank you for reading this ! and have a good day! <3

hi baby! ik ik i said i was gonna be mia for a few and i still ammm. i have hella hw and exams coming up but this peaked my interest a little bit. i’m gonna approach this w caution bc i do not have bpd but i know someone who does so im gonna do my best based off what ik from her. just know that you’re always safe here. everyone is, no matter what — the bpd i’m referring to is borderline personality disorder so i’m hoping you didn’t mean the other bpd 😭

kyojuro is always and has always been a super, super patient guy. it’s just a part of him that he cannot get rid of at all. you know i think of his as the perfect partner, my little golden boy.

i think that with a partner who has bpd, this is only heightened. he has to be extra patient because you both see the world (and your relationship) differently and he knows you can’t help it. there’s probably extra emphasis on open communication, no matter what. he doesn’t care what the problem is or what the conversation would lead to, communication just has to happen and it has to be thorough. you tell him how you feel and why, he takes it into consideration and responds accordingly. you’re worried he no longer cares? okay, what is making you feel this way? you think mayb this is overwhelming and you’re pulling away? he’s going to talk to you about it.

there’s also very clearly defined boundaries. it’s part of the communication aspect but it’s a whole separate thing entirely. they’re developed in the beginning in your relationship and have grown the longer you’re together and the more experiences you have. he endures your splits, knowing that you probably don’t mean it as harshly as you do but he lets you know he doesn’t appreciate the yelling. he always waits until you’re receptive to his words and holds in tongue until you’re generally calmer. this does nawt include him telling you to calm down. he’d never utter those two words a day in his life. i think he’s more likely to take his separate space away and remove himself from the situation because he has his own feelings too. he can get frustrated as well.

also therapy!!! big emphasis on therapy, but for both of you. you both go and see separate therapists. it’s necessary for both of you, regardless of what personal diagnosis either of you might have. there’s no stigma between you two. you have bpd, that’s just who you are. so what? it doesn’t define you in any way shape or form and means nothing until you, personally, decides it does. so you both go and work through your issues separately and uphold the whole privacy thing. there’s no at home conversations unless that person wants to share their own information.

i mean, the relationship is pretty normal. you still joke, you still kiss and cuddle and have intimacy the way everyone else does. he’ll still wake up in the early mornings and make breakfast, awakening you to the smell of bacon cooking in the frying pan. he’ll still shower you in gifts and constantly reassure his love and adoration. he’ll still treat you as though you’ve crafted his world by hand. i see him as being this soothing place of comfort. he doesn’t judge you and instead, validates your emotions. you’re allowed to feel however you feel. he just hopes you hear him out too.

oh oh oh! and he takes things very very slow. he knows you can get kinda . . . wrapped up??? in the feeling of love. not necessarily obsessive but he’s aware that you want to dwell in that emotion for as long as you can. he doesn’t want you to do things you otherwise wouldn’t have or even rush before reallyyyyy processing what’s happening to he takes it very slow. it’s agreed upon by both parties and he upholds that. if he says he’s going to do something, he’s going to do it. so yeah, that generally mean limiting coupley things you do before the time that you’re officially a couple. no sex or very little sex until you’re together together. until you’ve gotten each other locked DOWN.

idk, i hope this is what you wanted??? you’re right it is a very delicate topic and i’m doing my very best to tread lightly so pleaseeeee let me know if anything i said was incorrect or stigmatizing or contributing to negativity in any way. i’m always open to learn!

[quinnonimp]

Please tell us more about your tntduo priest/vampire fic I am literally begging you

SORRY THIS IS SO FUCKING LATE LMFAO I NEVER CHECK MY INBOX i rly need to check more often i have so many asks fuck

but aaaa im so glad u wanna know more 👉👈

for once i dont rly have super many thoughts abt an au ? tbh ? like its been very difficult for me to come up with ideas since i dont know that much abt vampires n i dont know that much abt catholicism/christianity

a little of what ive had in mind so far though is cwil is this very lonely priest with no family left who took over the church for his late father - but doesnt actually believe in god all that much, just pretends for the sake of keeping something

then one night some mysterious guy shows up near closing hours and wilbur is already pretty scared for no other reason than just the vibes . they dont talk but after a while of wil staring the pretty guy just gives him a big smile and leaves

the mysterious guy is vampire cquackity, hes just here cause he was hiding away from a hunter (probably ctechno filling this role)

in this universe vampires arent particularly affected by religion itself but just weakened by faith . quackity couldnt feel anything coming from the church, so he assumed it was empty since it was late anyway . turns out there is someone there ! but it doesnt effect him, and quackity realizes the priest himself has no faith, and becomes very interested

because of this new found fascination quackity decides to come back at a similar hour every day, and luckily for him barely anyone is there on weekdays/past 6pm, so he doesnt have to worry about being weakened (and especially not for hunters since they wouldnt expect a vampire to be in a church) . wilbur and him still havent talked but quackity still has fun observing his behaviour, and wilbur just feels a teensy bit less lonely having someone come back so consistently and every single day while he closes

one day however when wilbur decides hes finally gonna talk to this guy, quackity isnt there, and wilburs so confused as to why he feels so sad about it . why does he miss the presence of this stranger hes never even talked to ? he spends the whole rest of the night distracted thinking about the mysterious guy

the next day at around 3-4am when wilbur enters the church to start his day, he sees the presence he missed so much yesterday

though wilburs not as happy as he should be, as the stranger is covered in blood next to a corpse and about to jump him

so yea idk ive been trying to work on the fic, hopefully i actually manage to get smth cool outta it and post it but we'll see !! for now im just drawing the blorbos

if anyone has extra ideas n whatnot or wanna ask more abt the au feel welcome to do so, i cant promise ill be very interesting but i will be very glad to answer lmao

[plasteredwalls]

Rant incoming

WHY IS TECHNOLOGY SUPPORT SO GODDAMM DIFFICULT I SWEAR TO GOD.

So. I want to play minecraft online. I don't really use my Microsoft account often but I figure it should be fine. I get signed up for PS Plus, I pay my £6.99, and now I just have to link my Microsoft.

I do the link. I submit the code, then the email, then the password...then the code again then the email then the password and so on so forth until the link expires.

I make a new Microsoft account, as suggested, and it actually seems to be getting somewhere. Until the game is like "Oh you have to sign into the account linked with your game. Yknow, Jyan, which we can remember the name of but not your freaking details".

So I try that. Get in a loop again because it's that outlook email. I sign into Gmail outlook, everything looks fine. I have a string of very recent emails from Amazon about a refund so I know my email *works* at least.

But log in still won't work. So I look on the Microsoft question thing for answers and someone has had the loop issue. There's a link about account recovery. I'm desperate, I mean what the hell nothing else is working, so I use that link. They ask for an alternative email to send me a confirmation where they explain that I did not give them enough details and, as a really really kind courtesy (BECAUSE THATS HOW THEY PHRASED THIS, LIKE IT WAS A COURTESY) they've locked me out of my account :). Yay :). Because they take security reallllly seriously. Except they haven't Because I can still access my emails on the Gmail app but still can't do anything else.

By the way, did you know once you link a Microsoft account to a ps4 account you can NEVER UNLINK AND RELINK A NEW ONE?! Why. What do you GAIN Microsoft. Oh also because ps plus is a paid service they really hate you using it on other accounts of the same ps4 device or really any online features on any account other than the main one. Because what.

So clearly my issue is too complicated for online articles. I've tried and got no where, in any case worse. Let's try reddit - SYKE ALL THE BOTS RUINED REDDIT AND I CANT ACCESS ANY TECH SUPPORT GROUPS TO ASK QUESTIONS MYSELF UNLESS I GET SO MUCH KARMA. GREAT.

So. Microsoft tech support. Please be a good - OH OF COURSE ITS NOT

To summarise this amazinggggg service

1 - CAN'T FIND A RELIABLE NUMBER BECAUSE OF THE SCAMS

1.5 - Google AI summarise RECOMMENDED ME A SCAM NUMBER AS THE OFFICIAL ONE

2 - I can't find anywhere where I can submit a text complaint.

3 - All the search bars just take me to pre written articles as if I haven't read enougj

4 - THEY THEN OFFER ME A PAIDDDDD SERVICE TO "GET FIRST IN LINE FOR GPT TO SOLVE MY ISSUE"

What. The actual. Fuck.

I just want to talk to a human who knows something PLEASE. No none of the articles have helped. No I don't want AI to tell me, it has PROVEN its USELESSNESS. I just wanna talk yo a freaking human, preferably over the phone, who can tell me what to do or initiate some stiff themself because clearly the design has self imploded and IM JUST SO FREAKING FRUSTRATED IM SAT HERE WITH £7 OF A WORTHLESS SUBSCRIPTION AND NO RELIABLE TECH SUPPORT TO FIX IT ALL BECAUSE EMAIL BROKE BUT NOT REALLY.

And that doesn't even BEGIN to worry about whether I'm gonna be able to get my money back on this completely useless service.

So I'm turning to Tumblr. What's tumblrs tech support like??? I don't know, maybe there's a genius out there SOMEWHERE. Because clearly I can't use reddit, thanks barrier to entry :/ and I can't just ring up a human who can actually listen to my words with the nuances that don't fit into the fucking booklet.

If anyone knows anything that could help, please leave your wisdom here I'm frustrated and desperate and don't wanna lose £7 on something I can't even use.

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Alright, today Ive read chapters 9-12 and honestly, at a certain point reading this book while knowing all the spoilers stops being frustrating and starts just being funny. Like, Ianthe brings up the fact that people are gonna want to kidnap Feyre for "breeding" to which Tamlin says that no one is gonna dare do that to Prythian's Saviour because then theyll be on the shitlist of the other six courts, but Ianthe says that Rhysand could and would do it because hes The Most Powerful(tm) and hes really manipulative and yeah. shes right. Obviously I know this is gonna be treated as unreasonable and as foreshadowing of Ianthe being evil all along, but shes totally right

Anyway, Rhysand continues to be unbearably annoying but not in any particularly interesting way, so I dont really have anything to say about him. I hate how hes so powerful that six courts all working together would be no match for the night court and he comes across as sooooo insincere. Like, I often talk about not being the biggest Feylin fan because its pretty boring to me, but atleast it was like, sweet because of how genuine and endearingly awkward Tamlin was

Speaking of Tamlin, guess who just keeps getting worse and worse? I had some hope for him when he reduced the guards and gave Feyre more freedom, but then he doubled them again and he did that thing with the barrier around the manor so yeah. Now, if I wanted to be a pedantic asshole I could point out that he listened to Feyre (who managed to very clearly tell him what she needs at the moment, freedom, which was great) and they were doing fine until Rhysand came back, but as much as I would like to blame Rhysand for everything, Tamlin's actions are still his own. And honestly, I find Tamlin keeping any guards around Feyre after what she told him very unreasonable

I think keeping Feyre safe has become a coping mechanism for him because he couldnt protect her from Amarantha back then so now hes trying his best to protect her from Rhysand (and others, but mostly him rn) who was essentially Feyre's very own Amarantha, and obviously its not his fault that thats a coping mechanism he developed, but it is actively making Feyre upset and making it more difficult for her to heal as well, and hes the older one in this situation, hes the guy whos dealt with intense trauma before, he should be listening to her and giving her space

The only thing where I'll kinda take Tamlin's side is him locking her in the manor when he was going to the western border and Feyre wanted to follow them, but even then the force field was way too much. But also, to me it very much seemed like he and Lucien were in a hurry to leave and it was a very hasty spur-of-the-moment decision, but also it felt like the narrative was trying to demonise him more by impling that it was more of a calculated decision. Like, idk thats the vibe that Lucien explaining to Feyre that everyone but her could pass through the shield gave me, but that might just be a personal thing. I mean, Tamlin is clearly being demonised here either way, him being so unreasonable is something that I find very OOC even with the recent trauma hes experienced. But, theres a lot of buts in this paragraph i know, I do also want to acknowledge that Feyre would likely not have wanted to go with Tamlin to this conflict-zone if he had listened to her wayyyyyy earlier and not doubled the guards again. I recognize this kind of behaviour because I also felt like I had no agency over my situation in the past and Im also a very stubborn person, and it lead to me also doing more and more reckless things in an attempt to make the people around me actually listen, and make them understand how serious I was about getting out of the situation that was upsetting me

(In case youre worried, Im completely fine now and Im leaving out a lot of detail for the sake of my privacy and so I can draw a cleaner parallel)

Speaking of Feyre's agency, chapter 12 ended with her having a panic attack because she was trapped and then Mor and Rhysand showed up and Alis just gave them to her??? First of all, insane behaviour, second of all, I hate that Rhysand is meant to be the choice guy or whatever but wont wait for her to come of her own volition. I think it wouldve been better if she had that panic attack and it ran its course and then she either called for Rhys or Mor or managed to winnow to the night court herself and thats how she got there. Also, and this is part of the same issue, I hate that Rhys is the one who originally forced her to read. I think at some point Feyre shouldve realised that all the people in the spring court are withholding information from her but!, she realises that they write shit down sometimes and exchange messages and whatnot so knowing how to read could really help her here and maybe she even thinks about Rhysand taunting her about teaching her UTM, so next time shes at the Night Court she demands that she be taught how to read herself

Because honestly, right now it seems like she has the same amount of agency no matter what court shes in, which is basically none

I was gonna end it on that snappy one-liner, but then I remembered all the stuff with Feyre losing weight and how Rhys remarks upon it and how Feyre notices herself getting thinner as well and I dont have that much to say about it, I just wanted to say that it just made me incredibly uncomfortable

But yeah, now Im done for realsies

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

pinkmoonmutual i think i have come to u about my adoring fixations on older men before. I woke up from a dream where I was hanging out with this guy I really like and it was so wonderful and perfect and exactly what I want from him....a very nice dream to have, and it fits into what ive been working on recently which is human relationships and figuring out what I want and how to have it... its difficult for me because I love people SO MUCH often after a very short amount of time, this is especially true of older people because I crave sibling affection I didn't get growing up but it happens with people my own age too. and ah idk I'm never sure how to express it to people because love and intensity are things most people only want and expect from romantic attraction. and I'm not opposed to that but especially with older men this becomes difficult because the people I love are not interested in dating people 10 years younger than them and really it would be inappropriate (this guy was my professor! not gonna happen!) and i just end up feeling really creepy and weird and not knowing what to do with this huge adoration and affection inside me. so tricky I really wish you could just be /in love/ with someone and tell them and have them see it as a nice thing and not me trying to get sex or romantic commitment from them. i wish i was a little dog so i could just curl up at his feet and have it be simple. guuuuhhhhhhhh honestly i just wanted to tell you about my crush. I only knew this guy for like a month and a half so its a bit silly but hes so pretty and smart and cool and really inspired me to live and pushed me in the direction im currently going. its just tricky tricky im probably over complicating it but do you think there's more to love than the relationships that people in our world expect? I love people like theyre a god TT .. even talking about it here feels vapid compared to how it is for me. anyway nice dream thanks universe and i hope the pinkmoonworld is nice today <3

i understand u <3 it is a vary nice day in pinkmoonworld thanku for the wish~~~i know this dilemma tho sigh , my thoughts below..

i always felt like my admiration of people was extreme & consuming , i still do to a certain extent its a big part of the reason WHY i became a bit withdrawn like i struggle w how attached i get to others. i dont want to ask for anything in return but i feel shame when people find me creepy lol. And even then, that shame isnt rly the reason i've become untrusting with my heart, cold ppl r the least of my worries, i understand them.. moreso it's dangerous for me when i encounter someone who recognizes i am This Way & instead of being plainly disinterested or aloof they consciously decide to Use my affections in a sinister manner for their own advantage. that's what's mainly caused me to bcome distant even tho i want to love those ppl too.

so despite distance i still need some outlet for these loveful feelings so i guess i've spent the past 5-ish years working on ways to be overly compassionate in a safer manner.. And a big part of that is that i rly find the purest form of love to be platonic love, when theres not really any expectations or prize for being close to someone yet u still are, that kind of love speaks the deepest to me. and it's funny because really shortly after i surrendered my quest for romantic love, like completely surrendered , is when i met SLIMBO, and thru my efforts to be a really good friend to them we ended up falling sooooooo deeply sincerely in love like nothing i;ve ever known. if we had rushed into a relationship idk if it wld be the same , like having it slowly blossom over the course of a few years w no pressure, it's the foundation upon which we could be SO deeply sure we would always be together.

So the way u speak of loving ur crush, i'd say, just continue to act kindly towards him and everyone else u encounter, with no expectations of them.. people really need this like i think everyone needs to know what it feels like to experience a True Friend a selfless friend. it's rare! i rarely meet anyone who i feel doesn't want *something* from me that i cant give them. and i dont even want to hold that against them! im just saying, what U feel is rare so u should embrace it. allow yourself to exude love as much as u can and that frequency will return to u, just like how it did for me and slimbo...And other friends ive made along the way ^_^ Follow you heart.. maybe he's older but who knows what could happen. i've dated ppl 10 years older than me cus i have always acted like grandpa. sometimes ppl will just see u for ur soul.

and maybe ur dream is pointing u in a right direction, idk, i confessed my love to slimbo a few days after having a dream that we held hands. Ofc we had been friends for 2 years by this point so the time felt right, not every dreams mean u should confess, but i feel like having a sweet dream such as that can be a sort of telepathic experience sometimes.. show a connection between you and him on the astral plane. Take time to enjoy life n enjoy having a crush too cus it can be really fun to feel that crazy over someone :] thats my thoughts.....good luck with your heart, PMD9 out !

[teen1idle]

so i see girls mainly asking for advice but im a dude idrk if that matters ANYWAYSSS. Me n this girl have been talking for a while and we recently started dating but. It seems like the only time she even wants to hang out is when she wants to fuck. Which genuinely hurts bc i love her way past that i mean we used to be better when we were just talking idk im js genuinely scared it feels like anyday shes gonna break up w me. N plus if i say no to "linking up" she js gets mad. Ive offered alternatives like movies or dinner but she says no. Its not like she needs money or a car i can provide both. I just. Need advice please

Don't worry babe, anyone can ask questions here :) no problem.

This is going to be kinda long btw 👇

I see that your situation is quite difficult and I would like to remind you that just because you're in a relationship it doesn't mean that you're obligated to do stuff.

And if she gets pissed just because you don't want to have sex it's not your fault, ok? consent goes both ways.

Talk to her about this and if she doesn't want to understand or she keeps on with this i would encourage you to end things because at the end of the day you're the one who is getting hurt and in a way, used (not to mention this is pretty shitty behavior on her behalf)

I know you're scared that she will break up if you don't do what she wants but honestly consider how terrible that sounds, no one should be scared in their own relationship. It's completely normal if you want to have a relationship that's more than sex. That's healthy.

You'll eventually find someone who wants the same things as you. I'm sure of that.

consider it and take care.

xx.

[snow-and-saltea]

aaaaaa had a rough couple of days. im gonna just start writing about them here under the cut so i can verbalize what i went through

i couldn't sleep well for the past few days, like running on naps and 2-3 hours of sleep or smth, and 2 or 3 days ago i crashed and slept for a full day. and i felt so guilty. it was funny because i wouldn't feel guilty if i was alone; i felt guilty bc i was afraid i was gonna get yelled at and stuff, smth abt not being able to win either way even if i do sleep or not, so i figure id better choose to not sleep and appear energetic, visible and action oriented so my mom doesnt figure out im slipping back into a breakdown

anyways. i remember being really weirded out bc ive always associated that heavy sleepiness with me taking my sleepy meds, which ive not been taking on purpose for a few months now (unless i really need them, once or twice a month randomly). so ive been just running on manic anxious energy just to keep myself appearing functioning so no one will have anything to criticise me for and i think i dipped so much into the manic i became extremely paranoid, being deeply misanthropic, hating my friends for not knowing how badly im hurting despite not telling them explicitly that im hurting, feeling alone and scared, easily scared and on edge from sounds and stuff, not being able to calm down and relax bc of the imagery in my head.

then i realised i was obsessively making myself feel paranoid by rereading texts, interpreting someone's probably innocent motives badly, etc etc. so i decided to uninstall the thing so that i physically would only be able to do that behaviour on my computer, which i rarely use to actually talk to people + me being tired makes me lazy to exert the energy to make conscious decisions to open the computer, type in my password, open the app, wait for it to load, and do the thing. theres a lot more steps in between so theres a lot more chances for me to turn away to do something different, and bc im already very tired just thinking of all those steps demotivates me from wanting to do it, even though my manic paranoid brain wants me to. self manipulation ftw

it was really hard to talk. it felt like everything i said or wrote came off as so flat and curt that i was always worried that i came off as angry bc i know how i usually sound more... energetic. or emotive. everything i say sounds sarcastic even though i mean in a neutral way, i just don't have the energy to consciously control my tone to make sure people know im harmless. i just don't have the energy to maintain social niceties bc it feels like there's so much information to juggle.

i think its also like. i mean ive talked about it in therapy before but i have some sort of... compulsion? or obsession? with being "consistent" in my personality or behaviour. means if i had a bad day i dont wanna behave like i had a bad day. i want to behave like nothing happened to me, because it feels too revealing and opens me up for targeted insults when i unintentionally let people know (through my behaviour) that im having a bad day, and in the case of my parents, itll devolve into them trying to fix me, feeling frustrated that they can't. so i just dont let them know so we don't have to reheat that soup again. i do that by appearing peppy, pretending ive got the message they were trying to teach me and learned the lesson, put myself down before they can, etc. and even just saying that and writing that down that my behaviours are intentional, i already feel So vulnerable bc it feels as though im now inviting scrutiny. i already feel like i want to fuss around w my fingers bc i want to do something. i feel so weird. i kind of want to crawl back into my skin

and im so sensitive to slights and any signal of rejection from friends that at any small sign i think someone doesn't really care but is being nice, i shut down. i think im quite sensitive to that. its so... difficult to let other people take care of me. to entrust themselves to their care, bc i worry that they're not going to care for me as much as i care for me in the places im tender at, and its really scary to just have to do that without any single preparation of what to do if i get my feelings hurt in the process but i feel like itll be insulting or disrespectful to the other person's efforts of helping me. bc i want to be nice to them. and reciprocate. but it's difficult. and i don't know what to do other than just try to see them in good faith cus beggars can't be choosers, so i cant comment on any care i get cus i don't get a lot of it. i guess

hmm. this is very uncomfortable to talk about. i feel very pathetic. but at least i put it out here so that's something i guess. writing all of this out, this really emphasizes the reason i can't talk to friends about it. its so heavy and intense. no one asked to carry that weight, not even me. how could i ever put this burden on someone else i care about. i think id rather die

sorry that was a shitty note to end on, i don't think i can force a positive conclusion out of this. my head hurts from crying so im gonna get some water

[mindrole]

lately im properly keeping off my wrist, ive never had an injury (at least not from strain, ive hurt it def though, i got launched off a treadmill once when i was a kid) but i fear it, so i'm being vigilant. i'm fine tho. but its really boring cuz i usually doodle to fall asleep...

but i was thinking like, cell series character designs are really great, i think there's a wonderful uniqueness to them in the design philosophy, but

isn't everyone so difficult to draw....?!?!!! usually i feel like... after the first few times i don't need to pull up a reference anymore, but with the characters in this series no matter how many times, i still look up refs, btw did you know shinano has two tone hair? it's not a shadow.

shinano in fact is up there in difficulty... i think balancing his facial proportions is difficult... he should be so cutes and so adorables but he's not like, karen or izu. the hair is also kind of a challenge, namely his hair after he got a haircut.

the character i think is easiest to draw is ryuu. definitely. i've seen people say hatsutori is deceptively difficult to draw. i agree... even though i feel like by some miracle i understood how to draw him much better than others, he's REALLY hard!!!

the funny thing is, recently the last ryuu i draw, i said "i looked at a ref for once"? well its cause i usually ref my own art. usually it's fine. for ryuu who is easy for me to parse it's usually fine, but i realized recently the bangs were wrong the entire time, so i wanted to try being on model at least once (whether or not i apply it correctly next time is a big "maybe"). also i always draw the bunny ears too short, but that's usually something i am very conscious of (because it is a moe point that i hate that i neglect. MOE IS KING)

of course you'd think... well you draw miwa almost every day... you must be proficient in that? the answer is NO. in fact, he's the only character i am pulling up a picture from the actual game to draw almost every time. CONSISTENTLY. dita's look is easy enough to understand i guess, but the usual look, what's with those bangs?!?!?!!! WHY? i draw his bangs too long, but honestly that's not something i'm interested in rectifying. if anything, i've literally never seen anyone draw him 1:1 to the one picture we have, i feel like everyone struggles. genuinely have not seen any two artists draw him the same. so i am not worried about trying to be "on model". it's his fault for having such a weird wig in the first place. i mean, look, im gonna put it under a readmore and i genuinely want to know if you guys think it's fucked or not. i think it is. usually i have like, the one canon picture we have right, and then 3 of my drawings to ref how i did it, it's a struggle every time. but he's too funny. a character who haunts the interlude and doesn't have a single line in it, only ever talked in the one com report. so i keep drawing him because there's so many jokes to make at his expense. it's very cursed. i think having this blog made me a little obsessed.

for the dita look like i said in another post there's a lot of inconsistencies so i just take what i like. though for the most part i follow the design in the interlude. there's not much to comment about, aside from how i'm wondering where his ahoge is actually placed on his head. i just decide on the fly because i can't tell. it's not consistent between appearances. i won't talk about the scarf i'll start foaming at the mouth im not kidding

not even going into the characters i find near impossible like theodore. i'll cry. i'll be here all day. haruki is hard to draw too...

anyway, here's your serving of miwa's fucked up wig that haunt my nightmares every day because i hate drawing this hair so much:

i hope he DIES in com for this, is he stupid?

i hope everyone finds out he's 60+ years old and he has to hold a press conference apologizing for lying about being a recent ex-teenager

[fallenrain40]

I feel like compared to a lot of diabetics, I do have an okay relationship with food but I have SO many thoughts about this so I'm gonna talk about it !!! I've thought about the relationship with how I eat and my diabetes for so long now. I really wish it was talked about more. It's such a difficult thing to explain to people that yeah, being diabetic makes it so that eating for me is. weird. it can't just be simple. i can't just go get my food and eat it. if I don't eat at generally the same time every day I feel like I'm gonna die both mentally AND because it could actually make my blood sugar less predictable. And eating low carb things for snacks is stressful for so many reasons. 1, if I do that, I might feel less hungry later and then disrupt the routine I have by having a smaller meal and therefor making me worry that my bg is going to be less predictable. 2, sometimes it?? raises blood sugar anyways?? even though we're told that it doesn't do that. it just freaking does. want to have bacon??? and your blood sugar is normal rn??? well haha if you eat it its probably going to go a little bit higher unless it doesnt but if it doesnt thats probably cause its going low unless its just not doing anything. and then there's foods with higher carbs. yeah I can have them but then thats more carbs which means I have to adjust my dosage of insulin which you'd think could be simple but I ALSO need to take into account how hungry I am and if I'm going to eat less if I have that high-carb food, or if im going to eat more, if im going to eat more that means i'd take more insulin than usual with would then make me worry that its going to do something unexpected. if i eat less, then half or maybe even ALL of my meal will just be taken up by that one high-carb thing and i won't be able to have anything else until my next meal, which probably would make me feel BAD until I get to that next meal. and since its such a big THING to just have a meal. I'll only eat twice a day. I wouldnt miND eating 3 times a day but thats so much... having to figure out what my bg is going to do? and making it a lot less predictable. I eat in the morning and in the evening because those are both times my bg starts to rise. not becuase they are the times I WANT to eat. its because they are the times I NEED to. I almost NEVER wake up hungry. I hate eating in the morning. but i literally HAVE to or else my body is going to throw a fit and go "wtf u need sugar for energy!!! why arent u eating!!! *dumps 125423154265 pounds of sugar into your blood* also I feel like mentioning the fact a lot of people are like "omg sugar bad 1!11!!!!!!!1!!! !!1!" and im just sitting here like..... being diabetic has made me love skittles lmao its forced me to eat them probably way more often than i would if i WASNT diabetic (apple juice too btw) becuase thats literally!!! the only way to treat lows!!! and no lows arent always avoidable becuase GUESS WHAT !!! your body doesn't always react to insulin in the same way and sometimes it can be a lot more sensitive to it than normal!! so taking your normal dosage can still make you go low!! I feel like I had more to write but I already spent way too long on this and my adhd is telling me i have 0 focus left for it so. might add onto this later bhgvfgjbh edit: and not to mention the fact that apparently food labels dont have to be 100% accurate so when something says it has 20 carbs, it could something else! and if you eat several things like that! then you have no idea how much you actually had!! LOW TIME !! (or high time) edit 2: another thing I tend to do is, after i've had my first meal which HAS to be as soon as I wake up (unless i just let myself go high bc im. upset), then I will wait till the end of the day, PAST the point I started to feel hungry, till I feel like i cant go any longer and THEN I will eat. I don't alwayss do this but I do it a lot just cause. I feel like the later I eat the less likely im going to feel hungry right before bed? and also i just dont want to deal with it until it's unavoidable anymore?

guys if i'm being so real. being diabetic IS having an eating disorder. like, there is no way of being diabetic that does not include disordered eating. and that's not even counting the diabetes-specific eating disorders that we have names for, like diabetic bulimia. like i feel like there should be a name for the relationship between the diabetic, the food that they eat, and the body they put it in. but right now we just call it "diabetes" and it's just a washed over part of the process of being alive with this shit