#and it's one of the most heartbreaking gut wrenching decisions

[mother-of-houseplants-2]

Hi!!!

New Fiona fan here! But I suppose from what I have read here I should say early seasons Fiona fan?

I watched the uk version years ago and only just started the US one, and I'm only up to season 3.

I went binge reading on ao3 and your fics are golden! Top shelf quality writing, Fiona centric, gut wrenching stuff. I think you are one of, if not the only writers in the Fandom that do her justice.

And give her the credit she deserves.

So....

I have two questions for you, if you feel like answering: in your opinion, which was Fiona's worst self sabotaging instance?

And, does she ever go past the point of no return?

Mind you, I don't much care if there are spoilers in the answers, but the questions are being asked by someone who has watched (as of last night) up to season 3 episode 10ish

hi there! SO sorry for getting back to you so late; i'm finally out of finals hell and can get back to my inbox :)

thank you so much for your kind words! you are so so sweet and i'm genuinely so shocked and happy that my silly little stories resonate with you. thank you for reading !!! <3

i unfortunately will have to spoil quite a bit to answer your questions, but here are my thoughts!

i think fiona's worst self-sabotaging moment comes in season four, when she cheats on her then-boyfriend/boss mike with his brother robbie (who is on-and-off on drugs). he spends several episodes doggedly pursuing her, to kind of a creepy extent, but fiona still seems to find him alluring. she also feels 'safer' with him than mike, which is ironic since mike is the sweetest, most upstanding, kind guy in her life; this seems to be because mike's 'normalcy' scares her, and she admits herself that she doesn't know how to be with him because she's not 'good enough' or 'normal enough' for him. anyways. fiona cheats, gets caught, gets transferred to a different position at her job, is ostracized by her friends and coworkers, and her life comes crashing down. this leads her to end up receiving cocaine from robbie as a 'birthday gift.' fiona leaves it on the table while she's celebrating that night. baby liam gets into it and accidentally puts it in his mouth and overdoses and almost dies. fiona's negligence hurts her baby and she goes to prison. this moment was so so sad and heartbreaking and frustrating for me because she had this really amazing guy but self-sabotaged her own relationship because of her fear of intimacy/normalcy/having good things in her life, and it lead to this huge, terrible spiral that completely shattered her life. she could never have imagined/expected it to go that far, of course, but the fact remains that all of this unfortunately stemmed from her infidelity. season four makes me sob and cry every single time i watch it. fiona's devastating mistake led to some of her worst fears: hurting her kids, losing her stability for them, and having to leave her siblings behind. ughhhhhh, fiona!!!

this is a hard one to answer. i think so many of fiona's mistakes and poor decisions are things i would find unforgivable in real life, but because of the way the narrative of shameless unfolds and the reasoning behind her decisions make me more empathetic towards her. (and also, i love her so i have to admit that i'm biased lol). obviously, liam getting into her coke was an honest mistake, but it still stemmed from her irresponsibility. so although i feel absolutely terrible for her, i just can't see myself being able to forgive her if i was one of her siblings. she also kicks debbie out in season five for getting pregnant, which... i can understand the feelings behind her decision, that doesn't make it morally okay to do something like that to a teenage kid you're supposed to take care of. but i still don't think these are decisions that put her past the point of no return; i think fiona truly goes off the deep end in season nine. her whole life comes crashing down around her (AGAIN) because of some circumstances surrounding her work and love life (this guy named sean) that i do honestly think were out of her control (becoming a landlord notwithstanding). poor fiona spirals into alcoholism as a result. i don't want to demonize her for struggling with addiction, especially as it runs in her family, but this causes her family to essentially give up on her/abandon her. lip kicks her out of the house. fiona decides to leave chicago altogether. i think this was her true 'point of no return' because it showed her that she literally could not return to her old life; in fact, she needed to leave in order to save herself. she could never go back to being the kids' old, familiar fiona, because she had changed too much, and the kids could never accept her for who she had become. she could never go back. so she had to leave.

so sorry for writing you an absolute essay of a response! please forgive me for rambling so much. thank you for reaching out with these questions; as you can see, i had great fun answering them :^)

much love! <3

[kek623]

The Gut-Wrenching Experience of Watching "How to Make Millions Before Grandma Dies"

The movie How to Make Millions Before Grandma Dies is a 2024 Thai comedy-drama directed by Pat Boonnitipat. The story is centered around a young man who one day decides to move into his ailing grandmother’s home to help around and act as a caretaker for her, hoping to secure her fortune before she passes. However, he soon realizes that his goals are going to be more difficult to achieve as he attempts to navigate through his family’s dynamics and win his grandmother’s favor. The tension between the commitment to family and the internal resistance was so real, and it pulled me into the story, making me feel a sense of connection to the characters' struggles.

Watching How to Make Millions Before Grandma Dies made me go through such a whirlwind of emotions, ranging from frustration to heartbreak. The story began with a family visiting their ancestors’ graves. As the movie unfolded, I found the main character, M, quite infuriating because of his behavior towards his grandmother, Sew. He did what he was tasked with lousily, sat down, and proceeded to ignore his family’s reprimands, making his grandmother Sew do the work for him. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so detached from the obvious care their grandmother needed. It was infuriating to watch him ignore his responsibility, and it reminded me of times when I’ve seen people disregard their own family members, letting selfishness take over.

When grandmother Sew fell and ended up in the hospital, I was furious with not only M for refusing to get involved but also with the rest of the family—M’s uncles in particular—for leaving the hospital early. It was then revealed that Sew had cancer. The family agreed to shield her from knowing about her diagnosis and to not mention anything about it, which I thought was a questionable choice—I personally am not in favor of their decision. The family thinks they are making the right decision by hiding the truth when all they are doing is showing denial and avoidance, and to me, it only seems selfish.

In a later scene, during the funeral of M’s grandfather, M soon found out that almost all that the grandfather had left was given to M's cousin, Mui, because she was his caretaker. This information was what motivated M to move into his grandmother Sew’s home and take care of her himself. However, he eventually proved himself to somehow be even more selfish by telling his grandmother about her diagnosis. It was an unexpected moment, and his bluntness made me want to scream. On one hand, it felt like a betrayal of his mother’s wishes, but on the other, it may have been one of the most honest things he did in the entire film. I was torn between pitying him and still being so frustrated by his apparent lack of compassion. I do believe that Sew had the right to know, however. I thought that M made the right decision by telling her about her diagnosis, but looking back after finishing the movie, he probably only told her for his convenience.

As the movie progressed, M seemed to become more willing to help his grandmother around. This took me by surprise, as I was not expecting such behavior from him, especially with the first impression he had on me. M’s slow transformation was filled with bittersweet moments. The small, tender moments, like selling congee together, felt fragile and precious. Still, there was a lingering question of whether his actions were driven by genuine care or ulterior motives that kept me in a state of suspicion about his character.

M��s uncles were constantly on my nerves. Soei specifically would always cause a headache for me every time he appeared in the movie. He did not have a job, would constantly get arrested, and would rely on his mother, Sew, to bail him out. The last time he visited, he was caught stealing his mother's savings, and he would often visit while drunk. Not to mention, he owes his mother one million baht, and that in itself is such a bizarre amount that it’s unforgivable in my perspective. As for Kiang, the other uncle, he would barely visit his mother, and even if he did, he would leave as early as he could because of his own family duties. Kiang in general seemed disinterested in his mother’s life, despite the fact that she was already in a very bad state. Only M’s mother and M himself were the only ones to show even the slightest bit of genuine concern for grandmother Sew, but even that makes me sad—to think that only one of the three children M’s grandmother had cared enough to sacrifice more than just time for her.

As the family became more and more distant, everyone started visiting grandmother Sew less. Sundays that would fill their home with laughter had become quiet. Despite how M was slowly starting to mature and realize the sacrifices his grandmother had made for their family, everyone was either too busy or was not in the best state for them to visit. I was both sad and frustrated with all of the family members for being so selfish. It had come to the point in the movie where M’s grandmother had become bald from her chemotherapy. She would appear so sad every time her hair would fall off, but M would always manage to cheer her up. It would sadden me every time Sew would mention things that imply her death, because it would constantly remind me of my own loved ones who have passed.

With the hospital bills getting higher and higher, Sew had to resort to asking her older brother for money. After a heartfelt scene where Sew and her older brother were singing together and hugging, it cut to the scene where she eventually had to explain why she needed the money. This caught me so off guard because throughout the movie so far, grandmother Sew has been nothing but selfless and has never asked for anything from her family. To me, it felt out of character for her to ask for money, but then again, she was running out of options, which makes the whole situation more sad than it should be. In the end, the elderly siblings only ended up arguing and bickering because of the older brother’s refusal to give Sew any money. This made me angry. I couldn’t understand how you could refuse to do the littlest favor for your younger sibling, who is terminally ill. My anger amplified after Sew mentioned how her older brother was the one who always got what he wanted. It all seemed so unfair for grandmother Sew that I was just sitting, confused and frustrated, while watching all of this unfold.

Another visit to the hospital revealed that grandmother Sew’s conditions were not improving in the slightest. M tried lying at first, telling her that she'd be okay. It was devastating and heartbreaking to watch this entire scene. Eventually, grandmother Sew caught on to the reactions of both her daughter and her grandson. She then reached out her hands to both of them to hold theirs. I was barely holding any tears in anymore as M was showing genuine concern for his grandmother in this scene. Everything was so expected, and yet the emotional impact of each scene is just as strong every time I look back on the movie.

That night, M woke up to his grandmother Sew whimpering in her bed. She was begging the gods, goddesses, and her family above to take her. It was a triggering scene for me to see, as I have heard the same things said by my great-grandfather, who had recently passed. No matter how many times I repeat this scene, whether physically or just in my head, it never fails to make me cry. I felt so bad for grandmother Sew.

Even with Sew’s conditions, her family was still bickering about whatever there was to bicker about. It was always such a headache to see them argue because it always felt like walls talking to each other. None of them listened to each other, and it was so frustrating to watch because I know what that kind of arguing is like. Eventually, after grandmother Sew’s house was sold, M invited her to live with them, and thankfully, she accepted. Kiang and Soei finally visited after a while. M helped them both realize the sacrifices grandmother Sew had made for them. Still, I was bitter at the fact that they only visited when her conditions worsened.

The climax of the movie—where M sings to his grandmother as she’s passing away—was utterly heartbreaking. The buildup of his emotional distance, finally breaking down into raw, genuine tears, left me sobbing. I couldn’t properly process whatever thoughts I was having during this scene, as all I could feel was his regret, his sorrow, and his guilt for all the times he was absent emotionally. It was a lot to take in, especially because M, someone who has barely shown such emotion the entire film, seemed so vulnerable in this moment. He was crying and singing with such a shaky voice, and that was what made me confirm that this movie had emotionally ruined me.

Just before grandmother Sew’s funeral, M received what seemed to be the phone call of a lifetime. It was then revealed that Sew had been constantly depositing money into a bank account that belonged to M. This was another one of those gut-wrenching scenes, as the film revealed this by showing a flashback of grandmother Sew promising M to deposit money in his bank account until she dies. It was such a devastating final blow that tied together the title and the entire theme of the movie. The accumulation of both her love and her money felt like a symbolic passing of not just material wealth but the wisdom and compassion that M had been so blind to for much of the film.

The last thing M did for his grandmother was buy him the big plot of land for her grave, something Sew asked for earlier in the movie. It was so sad for me to see how M was swinging from smiling and crying on the way to her grave. This movie has such an emotional chokehold on me as it made myself swing between humor, frustration, and gut-wrenching sadness. It did not hesitate to showcase the complexity of family dynamics and made me reflect on my own family relationships. I do not think that I will be able to get over this film for a while. M’s journey to emotional maturity was difficult to watch, but it served as a reminder that family, no matter how flawed, is worth cherishing while we still have time.

[shiveringsoldier]

Top 5 Cillian Murphy roles and why?

Thank you for asking!

1. Damien O’Donovan (The Wind That Shakes the Barley). I love his arc, how at first he talks the talk but doesn’t want to take meaningful action and how he becomes more and more involved. I love how much he cares for his friends and loved ones and how conflicted he feels about the violence in which the IRA is engaging. The scene where he executes his comrade after learning that his comrade betrayed them is gut-wrenching. He’s just a wonderful character.

2. Shivering Soldier (Dunkirk). While he is only my second favorite Cillian Murphy character behind Damien O'Donovan, he is the Cillian Murphy character I most want to claim as my own. In general, I am drawn to characters who are either actively going through something traumatic or have recently gone through something traumatic. Murphy is terrific at playing traumatized characters and imbuing them with humanity, and this character is no exception. In the wrong hands, he would have been very one-note, but in Murphy's, he is very human and very heartbreaking. I've also started to find myself relating a little too much to the character in some ways.

3. Robert Fischer (Inception). This was the role that made me fall in love with Cillian Murphy. I think he is a deeper character than people give him credit for - we see a kind and caring side to him at some points, and I like how when he's kidnapped, he doesn't seem to be that fearful for his own safety but immediately starts to panic when he thinks that a loved one is in danger. And I love how clearly wounded he is by the way his father treated him. He is the beating heart of that movie.

4. Robert Capa (Sunshine). I haven't seen Sunshine in a while, so my memory of this character is a bit fuzzy, but I like that he's always kind of on the periphery and doesn't seem to be as close to the Icarus II crew as they are to each other. And despite that, there are still likeable things about him, and at least some of the crew seem to like him as well. I like seeing the video messages he sends to his family and the way he talks to them in those messages. I like how he reacts to being tasked with making an impossible decision by simply going "Shit." And I like that he can still cooperate with everyone even if some people on the ship dislike or outright hate him. I don't know, he's just a good character.

5. William Killick (The Edge of Love). The movie itself is not very good, and I wouldn't necessarily recommend it, but William himself is a great character who deserves to be in a better narrative. He is another traumatized character, but this time we see him before, during, and after his trauma, and we even see him starting to recover by the film's end. He's very romantic and faithful as well. I'd treat him better than Keira Knightley's character treats him, I can tell you that much.

[mcuamerica]

What's with the Ring?

Pairing: Tony Stark x Fem!Reader

Requested by anon: "A request where tony stark had a college sweetheart for about three years... then many years later after ironman 3, pepper broke up with him and tony got invited to his college reunion. when he reunited with reader..."

Warnings: mentions of late husband, mentions of terminal illness (not for reader or Tony), mentions of past cheating. Age-appropriate alcohol consumption.    

A/N: PSA all Tony requests after this (and a couple more in my inbox already) will be declined. I don’t really like writing for him, but I made that decision after this request came in, so this will be one of my last ones for him. If I find any good Tony Stark content, I’ll be sure to recommend it!

Disclaimer: All my works are FICTION. Nothing pertaining to the characters and/or actors are to be taken as fact. I do not own characters (unless I create an OC, in which I will be sure to mention), actors, tropes, or titles. I do not agree to my works being reposted or published on any sites, even if credit is given. Enjoy!

You walked into the MIT arena where you had gone to plenty of basketball and volleyball games as a young adult. You loved being back at this school. You frequented the football games when you could, but it wasn’t easy since you had a full time teaching job in New York. 

You also felt that it was bittersweet. Last time you were here, you were with your husband. He bought front row tickets to a basketball game and you two shared an amazing time together. The next day, however, you found out he was terminally ill. You hadn’t been back since. It had been a few years since he passed but you couldn’t bear coming back to the arena. That was until you got the invitation to your college reunion. 

It would be good to see your friends. Sure, you talk to them every now and then, but with MIT graduates, the time to meet up is little to none. You took a subdued career, choosing to teach high school students in New York City. Still, you teach at a very prestigious high school and you are very happy to have your job but it was nothing compared to most of your graduating class. Specifically, nothing compared to Tony Stark. 

At the time of graduation, you could not stand him. Not only did he break your heart, but he cheated on you with some cheerleader for the school. You shouldn’t have been surprised: he was always a lady’s man. It was no excuse for cheating when you were in an exclusive relationship.

You were over it now. You had gotten married and suffered another heartbreaking loss, one so much more gut wrenching than being cheated on. It actually brought you some comfort when you turned around from your conversation and saw him - Tony - talking to another alumni. 

You excused yourself from the conversation and walked over to him. “Tony,” you spoke up to get his attention. 

As soon as his eyes landed on you, all the feelings came back. He hadn’t seen you for years. Not since you yelled and screamed at him two weeks before graduation for cheating on you. You were in different colleges, so he didn’t even get to see you at graduation. 

“(Y/N)... Wow… You look great.” He said, completely forgetting about the other man standing next to him. “What’s with the ring?” He asked, noticing the chain around your neck that held a gold ring that resembled a wedding band. 

You glanced down, a small smile coming to your face. “It’s my late husband’s. I always keep it on me,” you said as you looked back up at him. “How have you been?” You asked, not wanting to go into detail about your past marriage.

“Me? I’m surprised you don’t know.” 

There it is. The ego-booster laced with sarcasm. “Okay, Mr. Iron Man. I meant other than saving the world with your big suit of armor.” You quipped, raising your eyebrows. 

“I’ve been great, thanks for asking.” He asked and you blinked at him, waiting for him to ask about you. “Can I get you something to drink?” He asked instead, motioning with his cup towards the makeshift bar that was set up. 

“Sure, why not.” You said and gave a small smile before walking over to the bar with him. 

You spent the rest of the night chatting with him. On multiple occasions you had to correct people who came up to you and said they were surprised you two were together. Both of you denied it every time. Tony even told you about how he just got out of a few year relationship with Pepper Potts, the now CEO of Stark Industries. You thought you heard something about it, but you hadn’t paid much attention to Tony when he was in the news. 

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. It’s always hard to recover from a break up. But I’m sensing that you had no issue…” You said and he smiled sheepishly. 

“Actually, it was a little hard. But I’m better now. And really happy that I ran into you. We should meet again, sometime. In New York.” He said and you narrowed your eyes. 

“I’m not sure how much I trust you, Stark.” You asked and crossed your arms, shifting your weight slightly. 

“I promise, I won’t make any moves.” He said, giving you a sly smirk. 

“Who said I didn’t want that?”

Main Masterlist

[cillacantstudysosheshere]

Good Omens 2 finale discussion *one of many*

First of all let me start by saying that it was one of the best written, most gut wrenching, most emotional finales I've seen in a while, probably ever to be honest. I loved it even though it destroyed me and it left me with that funny feeling of emptiness. As much as I hate to admit it, it was perfectly right for them not to have closure because despite the fact that they have indeed changed from the events of season 1, the conflicts that they had back then haven't left them, they rather evolved. Think about it, the season 2 finale is a direct mirror to the "let's run away together and forget about the end of the world" talk in season 1; the two moments have significant differences and similarities, that's one of the reasons why the finale is so powerful. Even though it looks like Aziraphale is once again being the one who wants to side with Heaven while Crowley wants them to have a side of their own, this time they BOTH are choosing each other, but not in the same way. Crowley cares about the greater good, cares about people in general, it's not all about Aziraphale BUT he doesn't believe in heaven, he used to but he has seen how much they suffocate creativity, curiosity and love. Also his life on earth has now proven to him that there are many gray areas and that one can choose when to be "evil" and when to be "good" depending on the situation.

Aziraphaele loves that about Crowley. He's smart, he makes decisions, he's his own boss and Aziraphale views him as good, he probably views him as better than him. He is excited about the idea of ruling heaven together as angels not because he thinks that Crowley is not good enough as he is, but because he wants other people to see it, he wants him to have the recognition that he thinks he deserves...but expecially because he wants them to do what they have always done, but with a higher impact. He believes in the work that they've done alone and that is why this opportunity is so important to him. He doesn't want Crowley to change: it's not that he doesn't love him fully because despite being good he's still a demon, it's BECAUSE he thinks he's good that aziraphale wants this for him, to be properly recognised as good. But Crowley doesn't want it for himself, being an angel or a demon doesn't mean anything to him at this point. He's been both, he has already been through it, he knows what it will lead to and he eventually has learned that maybe no one is entitled to decide what is good and what is not...so what's the point? The kiss is Crowley saying how much he loves him, how much their life on earth has changed him and his desires...he's gone native way more than Aziraphaele did. Aziraphaele loves him too, but his mind and his heart are not only with Crowley.

What's so heartbreaking about the finale is that they both want to be together, they both want to be the ones in charge of deciding for their own life, but one wants to run and the other wants to fix things. And despite them coming from the same place essentially, they both feel betrayed, because they can't fully understand why they can't be together even though that's what they both want. They want it in a different way. Them against the world, them with the world.

[connecting-the-stars]

Well the newest season of ‘The Bear’ released! And ofc I’m a fan of the arcs set up for all our characters and seeing them pay off in different positive or negative ways. Tina’s development from last season building into her thriving at culinary school and becoming one of the blocks to hold the restaurant intact. Marcus flying over seas to gain new skills and brainstorm his dessert ideas to return with new confidence and wonderful plates. Ofc, the all star girl, Sydney absolutely killing it this season with taking charge with planning of the menu and keeping things moving in the restaurant’s development. Which flows into her taking on the pressure in the last episode and pushing through an almost disastrous first service. And her relationship with her Dad was so sweet and seeing him try to support her the best he could despite his concerns was wonderful.

Now, with most of the positives laid out… those negatives. Well, I knew from the first instant that it showed Marcus being anxious about leaving his mother to travel, that something utterly sad was gonna happen. His care for her was palpable and his anxiety was very relatable. When everything had picked up in the other plot’s lines and his mother wasn’t mentioned as much, I had nearly forgotten but that last frame of his phone lighting up hurts. I know we are gonna see the heartbreak and grief that comes with his loss, and I’m wondering if Nat or Carmy will be able to support him at least some due to their own recent loss. Next season will most likely have Syd being a pillar of support and relatability for him, due to her grief of her mother. Thus, on to head strong and doubt-filled Sydney, she’s got to be my favorite character from the whole cast that I enjoy. Her Dad being nervous for her throughout the season was almost hard to watch as he attempted to be supportive while also pressing her about her decisions, added on by Syd constantly seeing different restaurants that closed. The intense anxiety and burden of running The Bear as the sou chef really shows in the later half of episode 10. Her mind repeatedly playing the tickets and her stomach upending itself in the alley was gut wrenching as I could feel her panic. Both arcs with Marcus and Sydney were completed so well as they were formed over the season, but damn am I not concerned for both of them in the future. (I want them all to be happy, but I guess this makes fans invested. I am very invested.)

Remember grief repressing and anxiety riddled Carmy from season 1? Well I can’t say he gets a arc I completely enjoyed, but the writers found a way for the audience to get pissed at him for sure. Digging himself into his own downfall was very… I don’t know how to put it… Relatable? Satisfying? Depressing? It made my heart twist when I heard him claim that he doesn’t need amusement, telling the fridge door how he rejects any resemblance of happiness. Despite him neglecting his responsibilities and his commitment to the restaurant and Sydney, I can sympathize with Carmy’s juggling act of being pulled in two directions. That being said, the dialogue and visual reminders for him to call the fridge guy paid off almost hilariously as it blow up in his face. For the first few seconds, I had burst into laughter at the absurdity and suddenness as it cut into the flow of the scene in the fast paced kitchen. But after that, the amusement definitely just nosedived into concern and sadness as Carmy frantically bashed his fists into the door yelling. Ofc, his first relationship, someone from his past that he attached himself to so much, was gonna end in ruins by his own hands. Just like the fridge handle snapping off. From my perspective, the writers set Claire up as a personification of his past. It was brought up repeatedly how she remembered or knew something about the past or his family, being the very loud topic brought up in the flashback episode, one of Carmy’s main scenes. The panic attack weaving images of screaming family members and old pictures of her made it clear that she is associated with his painful and tragic upbringing, surrounded by adults with their own issues that violently conflict and clash with one another. Mikey’s silent suffering after carmy gifted him his sketch of their restaurant made me want to cry.

Mikey is gone, and Carmy forced himself to go back to Chicago to desperately fumble The Beef into a half way functional sandwich shop. Then, right at the end of season 2 second episode, it has Claire appearing as a blast from the past. That fact that it’s brought up how he’s “always” had a crush on her is interesting, other characters tell us this, but when Carmy himself is faced with the choice to invite her into his chaotic life - he chooses to give her a fake number. This being his first real relationship and lacking role models for healthy positive relationships could play into his hesitancy to call her his girlfriend. In the early half of of the last episode, there is a moment where the camera lays out the situation between Claire and calling the fridge guy, appropriate that he doesn’t even have the proper name, and then he chooses to do neither - redirecting to help Marcus with something. During the first service, Richie presses him to go talk to Claire, and in the context of moving forward or returning to someone of the past, Carmy refuses the first time. He focuses all his effort into the restaurant’s success, and denies looking back - visiting a distraction. If Claire is a version of the past, last season Carmy was clinging to the past as his grief ran through his heart and pulled him back to The Beef. Then, the temptation to return to something familiar, to fall into a routine and not move forward is hard for anyone. The Bear is his and the restaurant’s way of moving forward and making something better than it ever was before. But Carmy gets caught on someone of the past, someone who reminds him of a time his brother was still alive. When cooking with his brother was a place to laugh and smile wide as the sun shined on their faces. (S1 flashbacks of Mikey, Richie, and Carmy.) In the end, Carmy is left literally self isolated, his first relationship shoot through, and on horrid terms with Richie, all because he could not delegate time revisiting the past and stepping forward. He fell between the cracks.

I love this show and it’s flawed characters, I loved the arcs for everyone. I haven’t even brought up Richie’s development, my dude whooped that Big Black Dog’s ass this season!

(Depression: 0, Richie: 100)

[citrinie]

Yesss. Blackwall is everything. He’s honestly so well written. Hope you enjoy. I wanted to romance him with a Dalish elf too at some point. I know everyone loves him with Cadash, but his romance animations only work well for Lavellan and Trevelyan so I doubt I’ll ever give it a go. Anyways, please tell me all about your canon playthrough. All your major game decisions. Who you romanced etc.

totally agree with you on that! Blackwall's character is very nicely written which makes him unique to me 🥺 i feel like we have so many sad grey wardens, but it will never be enough lol so far i have only played as lavellan and trevelyan. now in my head the inquisitor is an elf bc i have mostly only played as female lavellan 🧝‍♀️

you asked nonnie, so under the cut is just a “small essay” of my canon playthrough 😅 i could talk abt DA for infinity and never get tired of it, so i did get a little carried away but here you go!

my inquisitor:

my canon playthrough for DAI is a female dalish mage inquisitor. her name is Ithil. she is a raven-haired, pale-skinned elf with purple eyes. she has a very intimidating aura to her and is very standoffish. i found it very fitting for her to have the dark voice option even though her frame is tall and skinny hehe. most recent pic of Ithil, where im doing a rogue playthrough to justify siding with the templars 😃 i hate that decision so far lol

major DAI decisions:

for the major decisions im starting chronologically. i obviously sided with the mages bc Ithil is canonically a mage and i just love mages lol

then its the choice of who to leave in the Fade. this was for me the most gut-wrenching decision bc it stood between Alistair and Hawke 😭 like how could bioware do me like that? i spent a good solid 30 minutes contemplating what to do and ultimately ending up leaving Hawke in the Fade. reasons being that i could never leave Alistair and him being the first DA character i fell in love with, would just be heartbreaking. also someone needed to lead the grey wardens, so why not him? i felt so very sad for Varric. poor Fenris, who i romanced Hawke with, he probably hates Ithil and lashed out at anything close to him 😫 but i try to remember what Flemeth said to Hawke that she may one day find herself facing the abyss and “do not hesitate to leap”, and considering the quest name is Here Lies the Abyss 🥲

when it comes to the fate of the grey wardens, i saved them bc i felt that there were more benefits to being allied with them rather than getting rid of them. grey wardens were a huge part of the first game considering you played as one. 

as for who i had be the ruler of Orlais, i kept Celene in power. she and Briala also got back together. Gaspard was never an option to me so that was yet another easy big decision. i realize now how much female power i have in my DA canon playthrough lol

choosing who would be the next divine was a hard decision. there were pros and cons for both Cassandra and Leliana. i know Vivianne is an option too but she just hates my inquisitor lol. i ended up choosing Leliana tho bc of her standing with the mages and her view of progressive change in Thedas. she also has a huge interest in politics and is well-informed abt almost everything bc of her spies. i definitely think that choosing Leliana will cause chaos bc of all the changes, but im here for it hehe

those are all the major DAI decisions i can think of are important, but lmk if you want to know anything else ;)

romance & companions:

as for romance options, i had Ithil romance Cullen bc i have loved Curly since DAO hehe in my canon DA Cullen had relations with my warden who is a female human mage named Solona. i always think of them when you ask Cullen if he has anyone, and he says something like “not in Kirkwall”. which to me insinuates that he had someone when he was in Ferelden, before going to Kirkwall, but nothing serious as Solona got with Alistair another blond-haired dude with puppy-dog energy lol i love Cullen’s character a lot tho bc you get to see the various things he has gone through in all three games. so all the pain and suffering he is going through in DAI makes a lot of sense, bc of all the trauma he has experienced and the withdrawals he has from lyrium as he essentially is a drug addict. so i love the ending where Ithil and Cullen gets a dog, gets married, the inquisition is disbanded, they move to some place quiet and still help others in their own ways like the good ppl they are ❤️

lastly talking abt Ithil’s chemistry with the gang. the ppl she felt close to were Iron Bull, Solas, Cassandra and Dorian. she loves hanging out with the Bull and the chargers, drinking at the tavern and listening to various stories from everybody. Solas and Ithil have a platonic connection probably bc of their elven background, but also i feel like she learnt a lot from him abt spirits and the Fade. so we are feeling a little bit betrayed and bitter by the fact that Solas was behind everything that happend 😅 all the help for ppl in solavellan hell.  Cassandra and Ithil butt heads quite a bit, but playing Ithil as a rogue made me think that they would be really good sparing friends. and i think Ithil gets Cassandra out of her comfort zone in a good way :) as for her friendship with Dorian, they are both necromancer mages and i see them exchanging a lot of knowledge. i also think Dorian loves pimping Ithil up with dresses and jewellery, for her to show Cullen ;) she is also very close to Josephine who teaches her a lot abt diplomacy, as Ithil do not always have the best social antennas and can be quite blunt in situations where she should not be lol

the only romance options i have finished a whole playthrough of is with Bull and Cullen. so doing a Blackwall romance now, then i want to do a Solas romance just to have done it lol. loved both Bull and Cullen’s romances, they are quite different to each other but that is what i loved abt them hehe. Bull’s romance was so funny and kinky ;) Cullen’s romance was like cute and vanilla with a sprinkle of trauma ✨ in the end Cullen is the canon romance option in my little DA world 😊

[unitedstatesofworld]

The Debra Jeter Case: A Tragic Tale of Desperation and Heartbreak

Sometimes, the most unimaginable tragedies unfold in the quietest corners of the world. The Debra Jeter case is one such haunting story—a narrative filled with pain, desperation, and the irreversible consequences of mental illness. It's a case that not only captured national attention but also left many grappling with the sheer horror of what transpired. So, what led a seemingly ordinary woman to commit an act so horrific that it would forever stain the lives of everyone involved?

The Backdrop of a Troubled Life

Every tragic story has a beginning, and the Debra Jeter case is no exception. Debra Jeter, a woman in her mid-40s, was living in central Texas with her two daughters, 12-year-old Kiersten and 13-year-old Kelsey. On the surface, they appeared to be a regular family, but beneath the facade, the Jeter household was riddled with strife. Debra had a history of mental health issues, including depression, which had taken a toll on her family life.

Her struggles were not just internal—they were evident to those around her. Over time, Debra's marriage began to crumble, leading to a separation from her husband, Lee Jeter. The separation only exacerbated her mental health issues, and the weight of her emotional burdens seemed to push her further into a dark abyss.

A Descent into Desperation

The Debra Jeter case took a dark turn on June 5, 2009, a day that would forever be etched in infamy. On that fateful day, Debra picked up her daughters for what seemed like a regular visit. However, what unfolded next was far from ordinary. Driven by a sense of hopelessness and despair, Debra made a decision that would shatter lives and shock a nation.

She drove her daughters to an abandoned house off Interstate 35 near Hillsboro, Texas. Inside that vacant house, Debra unleashed her fury and heartbreak, attacking both of her daughters with a knife. The younger daughter, Kelsey, tragically lost her life that day. Kiersten, despite being gravely injured, managed to survive the brutal attack, thanks to her quick thinking and sheer will to live.

The Aftermath: A Nation in Shock

The details of the Debra Jeter case were nothing short of horrifying, and as news spread, people across the country were left reeling. How could a mother commit such an act against her own children? The case raised countless questions, many of which remain unanswered to this day.

Debra Jeter was arrested at the scene and charged with capital murder and attempted capital murder. In her defense, Debra claimed that she believed death would be a release from the pain for her daughters, sparing them from the suffering she herself endured. But the court saw things differently.

In a plea agreement, Debra Jeter pleaded guilty to the charges to avoid the death penalty. She was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole—a sentence that many felt was too lenient for the crimes committed. The court proceedings, filled with gut-wrenching testimonies and graphic evidence, left an indelible mark on all who witnessed them.

The Lingering Questions

The Debra Jeter case left many grappling with the harsh realities of mental illness and its potential consequences. Here are some of the most pressing questions that continue to haunt those who followed the case:

Could this tragedy have been prevented?

Mental health professionals often emphasize the importance of early intervention. If Debra had received more comprehensive care or if her cries for help had been taken more seriously, could this tragedy have been avoided?

What led Debra to believe that this was the only solution?

Debra's actions were a desperate cry from someone who felt completely out of options. The complexities of her mental state raise important questions about the support systems—or lack thereof—available to individuals in crisis.

How do we balance accountability with compassion in cases like this?

Debra Jeter’s case forces society to confront the delicate balance between holding someone accountable for their actions and understanding the role that mental illness may have played.

What impact did this have on the surviving daughter?

Kiersten, the surviving daughter, faced unimaginable trauma. The long-term psychological effects on her, including survivor's guilt and PTSD, are likely profound. How does one rebuild a life after enduring such horror?

Lessons Learned: The Importance of Mental Health Awareness

If there’s one thing the Debra Jeter case teaches us, it’s the critical importance of mental health awareness and support. This tragedy underscores the need for accessible mental health services and the removal of stigma surrounding mental illness. Far too often, people suffer in silence, and without proper intervention, the consequences can be devastating.

Mental Health Warning Signs to Watch For

It's essential to recognize the warning signs of someone in distress. Here are some key indicators:

Withdrawal from loved ones: A noticeable disinterest in social activities or withdrawal from friends and family.

Expressions of hopelessness: Verbalizing feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness, often accompanied by a lack of motivation.

Mood swings: Severe mood swings that are uncharacteristic of the individual.

Changes in behavior: Drastic changes in behavior, including aggression or impulsive actions.

Conclusion

The Debra Jeter case is a tragic reminder of the depths of despair that can lead to unimaginable actions. While the events that unfolded on that fateful day are heartbreaking, they also serve as a stark warning about the importance of mental health awareness and the need for compassionate intervention.

In the aftermath of such tragedies, we must reflect on how we, as a society, can do better. By supporting those struggling with mental illness and ensuring they receive the help they need, we may prevent future tragedies from occurring. The memory of Kiersten and Kelsey Jeter, and the impact of this case, will not soon be forgotten.

[karinasbaby]

sim jaeyun — brighter days inc.

— “you’ll wait for my love? “i waited for your love.”

pairing. fem!reader x sim jaeyun.

warnings. angst, my heaviest angst post yet tbh, fluff moments here & there, layla !!, lots of miscommunication, lots of crying and panicking moments, no / semi happy ending :(

word count. 12.3k

synopsis. just how bad was the punishment of falling in love with sim jaeyun?

— a, note. i apologise in advance for this, i would like to point out that this was completely and fully inspired by the we can’t be friends music video along with the entire eternal sunshine album by ariana !! i only added minor details & scenes here and there but hope u enjoy ! <3 p.s !! this whole post is viewed better in dark mode !!

「 just wanna let this story die, and i’ll be alright. 」

The soft fabric of your shirt soothed your trembling fingers, gentle wind breezing past you once the bell of the door jingled ahead of you, indicating the arrival of another patient wretched with agony and their own pain.

Your vision danced between the walls, the countless photos that hung on the brick pillars claiming a guaranteed peace of mind with the eye catching and loud titles of “brighter days ahead!”, different posters inked with the participants’ positive reviews towards the operation that haunted the patients whom were anxiously sat next to you, some wiping their tears while others gazed hopelessly into the wooden floors, their legs shaking up and down the longer the nurse took to call their names.

You pulled your jacket closer to your chest, in hopes of it protecting you from the words printed onto the paper in front of you, you had read the sentences over a hundred times by now yet you still couldn’t bring yourself to fully accept them.

You have given extensive thought behind your decision and give “Brighter Days Inc.” the exclusive permission to remove this person completely from your memory:

— ☐ yes | ☐ no

Closing your eyes multiple times while chanting “please let me wake up” was deemed futile, you couldn’t bring yourself to face the reality of the situation you had put yourself in. Though you had your reasons, countless of them. You had every right to sit in the waiting room for this clinic, yet you still couldn’t gather up the courage to fully accept the weight of the truth.

The great weight of the truth that weighed heavily on your shoulders, you knew this was the correct decision. You knew you weren’t physically affecting anyone by doing this, you practically weren’t going to hurt after this, yet your actions still hurt the present you, the one who was able to sense a thin veil of tears forming along her waterline for the nth time since you stepped foot into this clinic.

And you were doing this to save her from the pain, from the heartbreak you had been suffering through. The harsh wood of the board felt hurtful against your skin, the piece of wood agonisingly heavy atop your fingertips, your hand placed the pen in your lap before it instinctively moved towards your neck, caressing the special pine cone necklace that adorned your chest.

The feeling of the pendant beneath your touch felt gut wrenching, your whole being freezing as the sudden sharp edges grazed your skin, the pendant that held so many great memories to you that you hoped would comfort you for the last time felt like the thorns of a rose splitting your fingertips.

It was the sudden sharp dig of the edge of the pine that reminded you of a precious memory, one of the most special days in your life when your two favourite people walked into it.

Your foot sunk deeply into the snow beneath you, the wind a cold breeze blowing against your blushed face, your nose a distinct red shade as you sniffed due to the cold weather, hands digging further into your warm pockets to allow the blood to rush back to your frozen fingertips.

The breath turned into a glowing mist ahead of your eyes as it tumbled past your lips, you smiled softly at the sound of your best friend announcing her departure to collect more wood for the fireplace the two of you had wanted to create, you turned your head to the side to locate her small figure slowly disappearing into the slight fog that started to form a few minutes before the two of you had arrived to the small forest.

You took notice of how heavy the snow was, the ground a vast white that glittered with the sunrays, the sudden urge to lay on the floor that appeared as faux clouds and cotton overcame your senses and before you could rethink your decisions, you were already surrounded by the comforting cold of the snow hugging your every limb and every inch of your body.

Memories of your childhood flashed through your eyes, the happy moments that were filled with laughter exchanged between you and your friend as the two of you made snow angels, joyful giggles flew in the air around you once you both stood up to compare the shapes to one another and chuckle at the ridiculous outcomes.

Before you could fully indulge yourself in the memory, you felt a foreign object pressing against your foot, your eyes shot downwards to the sight of a dark circular item— a pine cone?

Your heartbeat unexpectedly picked up its pace, was there someone around? You weren’t in an area that had pine trees around them, they were atleast a few miles away from you.

Loud rustling reached your ears from ahead, what sounded like a person quickly walking— in an abnormally fast way that made you prepare yourself for the appearance of any random person, your senses heightening at the possible danger awaiting, the shadow slowly appeared in front of the fog, a really short one that confused you.

Once the mist finally had dispersed, revealing the last outcome you had been expecting— an adorable puppy that jumped its way through the snow, you stared at the shimmering fur that had gotten covered with small bits of the sparkling snow, the puppy barked at you in excitement, their tail swaying behind them in the snow while their shining eyes studied your face.

Your hands held onto the pine cone, a smile stretching out on your face once you noticed that the puppy was waiting for you to return the item, sitting in front of you patiently in a well behaved manner, a clear indication of how attentive and careful their owner is.

“Is this yours, hm?” You questioned, voice playful and low in fear of possibly disturbing the overly excited puppy who only barked in delight at your question, and as your hand was reaching forward to return the beloved pine cone, you and the sweet puppy’s ears picked up the distressed yells a large distance away.

The puppy turned its body towards the direction it came from, breathing the cold air in before barking countless times as if to signal their location and on cue the rushed footsteps that dug into the snow approached your figures closer.

“There you are, Layla.” A young boy appeared from between the twinkling mist, his features sharp and eye catching the closer he walked towards both of you, a charming smile etching its way onto his chiseled face at the sight of his beloved dog, “I was getting worried, pretty girl.” He breathed out in relief before finally noticing your presence.

His back suddenly straightened, shoulders pulling back while his eyes widened before the prettiest pink you’ve ever seen dusted his ears and cheeks, “oh hi.” He breathed out shyly, he could feel his heartbeat drumming in his ears as the last thing he was expecting to find Layla next to was a gorgeous girl.

You couldn’t help the quickened thump of your own heart either, the appearance of this young guy that was clad in a large dark coat, black pants along with a matching hat that revealed small peaks of his dark brown hair had your mind reeling, he was undeniably handsome.

“hello.” You whispered back, instinctively holding the pine cone towards your chest as holding eye contact with the beautiful man only made your body buzz further with excitement and nervousness, the guy also losing his internal battle with the possibility of facing you as his eyes had only been following his dog’s moving tail in hopes of calming his own nerves down.

The said puppy’s gaze danced between her owner and the new friend, unfamiliar with her owner’s sudden shy side appearing in front of a potential friend making her suspicions arise, and the moment she was about to bark in the direction of her owner once again, the guy spoke out.

“Did she tackle you onto the floor?” He asked, tone laced with concern at the realisation of your position on the snow while you held the pine cone in your hand, “no!” You quickly denied once you lifted your head and saw his worried expression, thousands of apologies disappeared from his tongue at your words and he couldn’t help but breathe another sigh of relief, “I’m actually making… snow angels.” Your voice had dropped a few octaves towards the end.

Quieting your own words to hide them from the handsome guy that you prayed wouldn’t make fun of you for your childish behaviour from your first ever encounter, you were preparing yourself for the worst reaction to slap you across the face and for his laughter to reach your ears yet— “oh I love snow angels!” His excited voice pulled you out of your thoughts.

You turned to face him again, to see the genuine excitement and fondness lacing his face before patting the snow next to you, a warm smile gracing your features that made the unknown boy’s heart to leap in his chest, “come join me!”

The loud ring of the bell harshly pulled you out of the sweet memory into the reality you had been dreading, all of your senses returning to the present made a sinking feeling take over your heart, by the time you leave this place you won’t be able to remember this precious memory.

Your hand instinctively wrapped around the pine cone, in attempt to protect and shield it from the possibility of disappearing, the idea of one of the most precious days of your life dissipating from your memory lane made your shoulders sink further, the anxious feeling of pure unease settled deeply into your bones, and before you were able to prepare yourself further, you felt your throat closing up.

And as if your own body had turned its back towards you, your gaze had shifted beneath the cursed words to the bottom of the paper, where a clear and bold line awaited your pen to grace upon it.

signature: ________

Your vision then travelled towards the boxes, the finality of your decision settling into your limbs when your hand finally moved from your necklace to hold onto the pen again, and with a heavy heart along with a new veil of tears aligning your eyes, you finally allowed the first drop of ink to land on the paper.

☒ yes | ☐ no

The wind around you turned colder, it felt as if the breeze was scolding you for such decisions, the guilt by now had started to eat you up alive, tainting your brain and choking you up on your own unshed tears, you tried to breathe in deeply, attempting to calm your heaving chest down as with each passing second you felt your lungs constricting further.

“Miss, are you ready?” The nurse had suddenly appeared next to you, caring and worried eyes scanning your shaky figure on the seat, knuckles white around the wooden board that held your signature and confirmation for the procedure, your head lowered in shame of the sight of your tears being revealed, though all the hurt was evident in your body language.

“This way, miss.” She quickly guided you towards the office, your hand reached out to carry the box next to you, the cardboard that contained all of your memories that were stuffed into items, her hand reached out to hold the trembling board from your weak one while the other hovered around your lower back, bringing an odd sense of comfort for you as your feet walked you towards your own heartbreak.

The walls of the office appeared cold to the touch, the solid floor beneath you brought the aura of seriousness for you, almost as if awakening you from your hurtful thoughts to the reality of the situation, there was no turning back now. Then with each step that you took towards the chair, memories of this morning took over your mind.

Layla, your precious puppy sat ahead of your crouched figure in front of the bed, you sat atop the mattress that felt so unwelcoming, so foreign to you, as if you hadn’t slept multiple times between the same sheets with your love before.

Your puppy was cautious, big shining eyes studying every tear drop that ascended down the curve of your cheekbone, her own body slouching with each sob that wrecked through your body, “I’m sorry.” The yellow light from your bedside table casted a soft glow on both of your small figures, Layla reached towards you, one of her paws landing besides you on the bed as she lifted herself up while the other was placed gently against your leg.

“I can’t continue staying here, baby.” You explained to her, with each break in your voice her ears dropped lower, the sadness and confusion evident all over her adorable face, long gone was the look of excitement and pure love that painted her face whenever she saw you, as if she was able to understand your words she pushed her fluffy body towards you more.

“I can’t be with you, or jaeyun anymore.” You whispered, sweaty and cold palms reached out towards her small face, her golden fur comforting you as it brushed against your skin, you allowed her loving presence to curtain over the overwhelming sense of fright that your stomach was unable to digest, her familiar scent coating your senses bringing a feeling of ease into your panicked state.

“I love you so much.” You whispered to your little cupid, the one who had brought you together with your first true love. The one who had unknowingly brought so much happiness and joy to your dull life with her and her father’s presence.

“Are you ready, miss?” The doctor called out, dragging you out from the reality that only existed in your head now, a cloud of doom now hovered above your head as there was no space to return back to, this was it. That was your last time with Layla, ever.

The pill of the reminder suddenly seemed to large to swallow, the thought of an eternal separation from your beloved little cupid felt agonising to you, the tightening in your chest worsened, your fingers dug into your own palm to cause the tiniest bit of satisfaction when the pain travelled throughout your nerves, you deserved this.

You had known this was the correct decision a long time ago, this was the only way you had been able to save yourself but god how could you be so selfish at the same time? How could you leave two very important people behind you and live in eternal bliss? You heart began to thunder against your ribs, each thump begging you to return, to turn back on your footsteps and go back home.

To return to your love, to your small family, to endure the pain and the sting of the knowledge that jaeyun would never view you the way you had done.

To return to your angel, the one who sat by the door with her tail swaying behind her excitedly at the sight of the door opening, in hopes of a possible walk with her best friend, then her tail suddenly paused atop the wooden floor while her pointy and excited ears dropped, breaking your heart when you crouched down to kiss her head for the final time, in hopes of your feelings conveying to her through the loving contact, atleast for the last time.

You knew the love you held for him had to be dissipated. Though the pure, innocent adoration and devotion your heart carried for him didn’t deserve to be gone. Yet it wasn’t worth putting Jaeyun through possible pain and suffering.

If only you had known from the start that this was the consequence of your actions of inviting Jaeyun to create snow angels with you on that morning would lead you to the punishment of falling in love with Jaeyun, you would’ve never stepped foot into the snow that day.

The doctor held your hand gently, his eyes held nothing but sympathy and pity for you, your fingers pale and shaky in his hold as he placed the small device on your index finger, the pulse reader instantly showing your quickened heartbeat on the screen, “the procedure is going to be a quick and painless one…” the doctor’s words echoed throughout your eardrums, each word drifting off from one ear to the other as your vision was stuck on the numbers constantly picking up.

As if a chain had been tightened around your neck, your throat closed up further, you suppressed every sob that threatened to escape from you, your feet had gotten numb on the chair at some point while you shut your eyes with reassuring words replaying in your head in attempts to soothe yourself, yet each one was being repeated atop of an image of a smiling jaeyun behind your closed eyes.

The nurse behind you had brought the two iron pieces closer to your temples, each one glowing with a red light, indicating the disconnection while they approached your skin, and once both pieces were attached to you as if they were pieces of magnets, your heart only sunk further in your body.

The doctor exchanged incoherent words with the nurse that your ears weren’t able to comprehend, your senses only picking up the constant beeping of the monitor, each beat picked up its speed, symbolising how your heart was beating rapidly at the thought of your one and only love, at the thought of losing him entirely in less than a few minutes.

Your eyes then landed on the screen besides you, blue lights blinding your sight as you took in the multiple tabs open on the screen with “generating link” as the largest one, the percentage increased quickly, each number made your breath turn shorter as the gravity was finally settling in, the small sting that you felt on the sides of your head was incomparable to the ache of your heart, still filled with so much useless hope after all these months.

“Are you ready?” The doctor asked, a consoling smile etched onto his features, you nodded quickly, eager to get the procedure done with now before your weak heart convinced you to run outside of this clinic and into the arms of the man you fell in love with.

“Alright then.. we should be starting…” the doctor’s voice slowly disappeared, his words gradually faded away from you as your eyes remained shut while the machine forced you to a trip down your beloved memory lane, your memory path that was dedicated for sim jaeyun only.

The first memory you had shared with him after your first encounter played in front of your closed eyes, you remembered this one in a crystal clear way, the sight of you and Jaeyun walking hand in hand was imprinted onto the back of your eyelids, the familiar sight making your heart jump into your throat.

“I’m gonna win you the teddy bear!” Jaeyun shouted excitedly as he walked, his grip on your hand firm yet gentle while he made his way through the crowd in the carnival, rushing towards the claw machine quickly, bumping into random people every few seconds making you laugh at his enthusiasm, unaware of jaeyun’s heart thundering in his chest at the sound of your laughter.

“You really don’t have to, Jake.” You rushed besides him and the second the baby blue and pink lights of the machine landed on your smiling face he felt his breath hitching in his throat, your shining eyes presenting as windows to your excitement and pure joy you felt besides him made his heart leap in his chest, “but i want to.” he breathed out gently, mesmerised besides your distracted frame.

your eyes studied the glass window curiously, jaeyun was confused as to why he could tell exactly when your eyes landed on the teddy bear he mentioned, confused as to why he was able to study all of your expressions so well so soon, to why they mattered and intrigued him so much, surely the fleeing thought of cradling your face gently into his arms was an intrusive one, and totally not because of his own feelings and urge to do so, right?

his hands reached out to push his coin into the slot before reaching towards the small handle, his fingers buzzed with excitement and anxiety, the need to win this teddy bear for you chanting throughout his mind as he lowered the claw onto the fluffy toy, and once the iron claws wrapped around the bear, your hand sneaked its way between both of your figures to lace with his fingers, a soft squeeze of encouragement that made the boy’s heart thump needily.

“You got it, jake!” you beamed from besides him, you quickly held the fluffy toy in your arms, hugging the precious teddy close to you, the sight making jake’s world slow down its rotation, his heart jumping into his throat as he took in the sight of your happy expression, your sweet and thankful words falling onto his ear before they travelled out the other, he was hypnotised, your happiness casting a spell on him effortlessly.

“Jaeyun..” he suddenly breathed out, snapping back into reality with a soft, loving smiling permanently etching its way onto his face, “hmm?” You questioned, moving your sparkling eyes from the toy to his handsome face, his sweet grin made rose dust along your cheeks, he reached out to hold your hand before he spoke out again, “call me jaeyun.”

“Okay, jaeyun.” You chuckled affectionately at him, one hand intertwined with his slender fingers while the other held the teddy close to your heart, “what are you going to name it?” His eyes dropped back onto the teddy, quickly switching the topic as his heart felt like it was on the verge of exploding the longer he drowned in the ocean of your eyes.

“Jakey.” You smiled at the sight of his eyes widening, eyebrows lifting as he audibly laughed, the sound ringing like melodies in your ears. The view of him blushing and laughing under the stars becoming your favourite in that instant as everything else around you blurred and your sole focus was on him and only him.

“Let’s take you and Jakey to the ferris wheel then.” He joked before walking towards the said ride, fingers still laced with yours as he pulled your shy figure gently to follow him throughout the crowd.

And suddenly with a mere blink you were stuck in the middle of moving bodies, one hand unbearably cold while the other held onto a teddy, confusion laced your expression as the lights of the ferris wheel glowed ahead of you, why were you here in the first place?

Just like that, Jaeyun disappeared from a precious memory that belonged to you.

Your surroundings in front of the ferris wheel darkened, a small circle of light engulfing you before your dissociated out from the memory, you had your eyes closed shut, not daring to open them when all you could hear was the murmurs of the doctor and the nurse confirming the removal in the first memory.

All you could detect was the consistent sinking and pain aching in your heart, the dizziness in your head as you altered your memories and forcefully removed the only person who you ever truly loved in your life, the agony from the thought so great that it allowed new streaks of tears to decorate your skin.

And as you let out another shaky breath, you were pushed into another memory.

The harsh breeze of the wind grazed jaeyun’s skin while his teeth chattered slightly at the icy stabs along his arms, he quickly moved from the sidewalk to the empty road that accompanied the ray of sunlight courtesy to the shorter buildings next to it.

His shoulders relaxed at the warmth that travelled his system, his fingers didn’t feel like they were about to fall off anymore the longer he kept them pushed into his pockets under the sun, he relished in the vast difference between the cold breeze and the warm sunlight, a weird sense of soothe scurrying into his mind.

The comparison was awfully familiar, yet he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it reminded him of.

Nonetheless he continued walking, making the final turn that allowed the sight of his house to enter his line of vision, his insides buzzed with worry and excitement at seeing you again, your appearance always brought him solace especially when he walked into the view of you playing with Layla happily in the living room.

Yet whenever he remembered the position both of you were stuck in regarding your importance in his life, his mind got jumbled with negativity and worry again.

But he was determined that tonight was going to make a difference.

Especially with the apology he had spent days memorising, his finger brushed against the small box in his pocket that brought an unexpected but welcomed wave of positivity for him, it was the first time that he felt so confident in himself with something that involved both of you.

The slight graze of the velvet against his skin reminded him of the way your skin felt against his, the sunlight that glowed atop his honey skin beautifully reminded him of the warmth your love provided for him, oh how he adored you.

And there was jaeyun, finally walking towards his door with a pep in his step, his chest feeling ridiculously lighter while the blood rushed to his face at the thought of you in front of his eyes.

His shaky fingers wrapped around the handle before pushing the large piece of wood, layla instantly greeting him at the door with a welcoming woof of her own, making him smile widely.

“Hello my princess,” he spoke with a soft voice, kneeling down to pet her after closing the door behind him, all worrisome thoughts disappearing from his brain the second her soft fur nuzzled against his palms, he chuckled at all of her licks against his cheeks, turning his head as he giggled and unknowingly seeing your missing shoes on the floor.

Confusion wrapped around his head as a weird, unnerving emotion settled into his stomach, he quickly looked around the living room for any sight of you only to be left further confused since you hadn’t told him about leaving the house today.

“Is she not home?” He questioned layla, his glossy eyes returning to the puppy who visibly lost all of her enthusiasm, quieting down and only licking at his palm in hopes of bringing some sort of comfort to her owner the longer he desperately searched for any sign of you.

“It’s alright,” he walked towards the living room, a sudden wave of dizziness crawling its way to his conscious, he involuntarily closed his eyes at the unexpected pain while his feet quickly led him towards the couch with a worried layla trailing behind him, “she’ll come back.” He whispered, comforting himself while his hands reached to hold onto his head.

And before he could realise, he laid onto the soft fabric of his couch as a wave of sleep took over him while his consciousness drifted. Unbeknownst to him, that would’ve been the last time he would remember you.

「 i don’t wanna tip toe but i don’t wanna hide. 」

The doctor’s hands paced around his instruments panically, your soft sniffles ringing in both his and the nurse’s ears as their heart broke for the nth time that day at the sight of the memory on the screen of their computer, the memory that held an immense amount of pain as the only thing you could focus on in that moment was the view of jaeyun sitting down next to a random girl, his arm wrapped around her shoulders while she turned her head to the side to quickly peck his jaw.

“Is that not.. jake?” Your friend asked from besides you, her eyes widening at the sight of the guy who captured your heart huddled next to an unknown girl by a cafe’s window, the view inevitably catching your gaze too as your brain almost shut down at that moment.

“It is.” You whispered in confirmation, the cobbled stone beneath your feet glued you atop of it while your world slowed down, just like your first encounter— you felt everything around you slowly dissolve till your sole focus was on jaeyun with a random woman.

You friend thankfully picked up your irregular breathing, and she was sure if she had listened close enough she would’ve also been able to hear the sound of your heart shattering into countless pieces while your face was an open window to your emotions.

The feeling of your stomach sinking completely brought you back into reality, the situation was laughable really, just a few weeks ago he seemed too shy to even hold your hand yet here he was now with his arm around another woman.

He might’ve not been able to hold eye contact with you just a few weeks ago, but right now he was able to laugh at the top of his lungs at what looked like a joke the woman said.

“Let’s go.” Your friend sternly announced, holding your hand the second she noticed your eyes swelling up with tears and quickly pulled you to walk into a different alleyway while jaeyun slowly disappeared in the background, leaving the random woman to sit alone in your memory before you quickly tumbled into another one.

Your vision began to slowly clear, another memory opening up ahead of you as you felt yourself getting lost in your emotions regarding this whole procedure.

The aroma of the coffee was pungent in the living room, wafting through the air accompanied by the sweet scent of cinnamon, Layla’s sweet coos and quiet noises of approval and support kept you company and sane after witnessing the man your heart thrummed for wrapped up in the arms of another woman.

Due to the unending conflict and doubts eating away at your mind, resulting in a very upset you and a worried Layla to walk around the house to distract yourself, and the perfect distraction did you find when your feet dragged you into the kitchen.

“I guess it’s just me and you.” Expressing yourself to Layla had always been something that came very easily to you, she was your closest friend at the moment after all. Always by your side to comfort you whether it was by cuddling you with your tears landing like rain drops on her soft fur till you fell asleep or by urging you to play with her and get your mind off her dad.

And right as you were about to move the few pastries from the tray onto the plate on the counter, you and Layla’s ears picked up the familiar and dreadful sound of the door being opened, announcing Jake’s arrival with the loud creak of the wood once he pushed it forward.

As expected, the air that carried the dizzying scent of your pastry was suddenly filled with tension. As if each golden particle of the sweets that travelled through the air while carrying your love transformed into a harsh droplet of ice, the atmosphere further thickening uncomfortably when the boy walked inside of the kitchen to the sight of you in front of the counter with your puppy nuzzling to your leg.

“That smells amazing..” he muttered, feeling shy and small when faced with your stiff back, and he knew he deserved the treatment that you had for him, he knew that you had seen him with someone else. Yet he didn’t have the heart to even think about bringing up that conversation, deciding by his own that stuffing the confrontation into a small box and pushing it far away to a corner in his mind was for the best now.

“Thank you.” Your response was curt, almost monotone with the way you tried your best to not have whatever conversation between you two last longer, his presence alone was suffocating enough for you, you didn’t have the heart to face him.

And jaeyun of course noticed all of this, he noticed the way your back was still faced towards him. A clear and painfully obvious contrast from the way you used to greet him with a loving hug and sometimes even a sweet, shy kiss to his cheek if you were really in the mood for it. The memories of those adoring welcomes will always eat away at his conscience, a constant reminder of what he lost.

But was jaeyun going to ask you to talk with him so both of you could finally address the invisible tornado of unspoken emotions in the room? Of course no.

“I was wondering if you…” he trailed off, voice quiet and almost hesitant in approaching you, and his doubts began to gnaw at his heart when your shoulders tensed further, his anxiety made his tone even more jittery when he continued “want to spend some time with me..?” The final syllable was a mere whisper.

Jaeyun felt the distance between you both panicking, he’s never felt you so far away and unreachable for him even though he knew the reason but his fear of rejection and possible failure was overpowering his logical idea of actually hearing your side and confessing his own thoughts, deciding alone for both of you that the best approach to this situation was not acknowledging it in the first place.

“It snowed yesterday, you know.” He pushed his coldly sweaty hands into the pocket of his sweatpants, he could unwillingly hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears, his frame was apprehensive as he kept switching his weight from one foot to another while awaiting for your answer, fearful from you declining his offer before he even finished off, “so.. wanna make snow angels?”

He let himself loose, letting go from all of his previous uncertainty and revealing a sweet smile when you finally turned around to face him, a ghost of a grin on your features that never failed to set his chest on fire and make his mind reel, a simple “okay.” had jaeyun over the moon.

Even if Jaeyun was undeserving of your acceptance to his offer, even if this whole action will have a returning moment that will bite you both deeply but in that specific second the need to be wrapped in each other’s warmth surpassed any other feeling you both could have thought of.

And after minutes of being avoidant, hours of steering away from the unavowed storm of words that needed to be exchanged between your two souls to hopefully ignite some sort of hope for your love, after a day full of your eternal bliss in ignorance where you two played into the parts of loving partners that you had formed in your head that was far, way too far from your reality.

You found yourself tangled beneath the satin sheets, clad in your love’s shirt while he laid on his side to face you, every element surrounding you in this current atmosphere was a very clear display of love, of intimacy and devotion that circled the two of you.

With every intrusive thought of just how many times he’s been in this exact position with another woman that you pushed into the back of your head, your grip on his fingers tightened, it was almost driving you insane. The uncertainty and insecurity in your placement in his life was so evident for jaeyun in your actions, and it made his heart ache.

Further proving that he’s not the one for you, because of his undying need to comfort you and whisper his love for you in your ears to wash away all the bad voices in your head that were pushing you to believe that you were the complete opposite of what he saw.

Someone who deserved the utmost love the entire universe could be able to forge and give.

And out of nowhere, the forbidden three words craved their way onto his tongue, jaeyun’s heart leaped into his throat with the suddenly controlling urge to declare his love for you, his love that bursted inside of every vein of his and made his heart thunder between his ribs.

“I..” he unconsciously started, his tone a mere whisper that made your eyes widen, your fingers froze around him making him realise his own words, breath knocked out from his lungs at his own voice that was wavering. So full of emotion, carrying each and every ounce of combined fear and love that he held for you, there was no going back now, he thought.

“I lov—“ and his words were lost in the air, jaeyun was abruptly pulled away once again, vanishing from the other side of the bed and leaving no trace behind him, you sat up in shock at his unexpected disappearance, your chest rising and falling rapidly when he evanesced wholly.

The confusion only settled in a few moments later, why were you sitting on bed and searching for someone? And what was with the sinking and dreadful feeling in your stomach?

Before you could dwell in your turmoil further, a different scene of your memories started to play ahead, it was the day after.

「 and no matter how easy things could be if i did. 」

The scent of the blooming flowers of spring around the cafe distracted you from your friend’s disappointed gaze, her movements with the spoon that mixed the coffee with the cream halted before she cleared her throat, successfully garnering your attention and allowing you to see her dissatisfaction with your situation in only her eyes.

“How muc—“ “listen.” You cut her off, aware of the way that she was about to give you advice for the umpteenth time, to convince and coax you to leave, you felt used to it at this point. Her meaningful words failed to penetrate the wall you had built around yourself regarding anything that was related to jaeyun.

Her hope diminished further when she saw your tired eyes still overflowing with love, the neglect and exhaustion evident in your features, the lack of attention and reciprocation of love from jaeyun was crystal clear to your friend, she absolutely hated seeing you like this.

But she knew that Jaeyun had you wrapped around his finger, your heart drummed for him in a symphony created for only him. She knew that if your love was an ocean then you had drowned a long time ago.

The similarities between you two was almost frustrating for her, as if you both were created from the same soul blown into two different bodies, the love you held for each other heavy, intense and impactful yet you both cowered when faced with the mere possibilities of confession and rejection, far too afraid to lose one another and unaware of the fact that you both were slipping from between the other’s fingers.

“I know.” You whispered, voice barely audible beneath the chatter of everyone around you in the cafe, your heavy lidded eyes stayed on the cheesecake your friend convinced you to order as you felt no appetite, your stomach finding more comfort with the feeling of ache and longing than anything else.

“But I can’t do anything.” Your words broke towards the end, lowering your head in desperate attempt to hide away your glossy eyes from your friend that felt her heart shatter at your frail and weak frame, “I can’t force myself to not love him.” And before you broke down further, your friend’s arms wrapped around you and pulled you into her comfort.

And the feeling of her love and whispers calming you down and engulfing you settled a short moment of peace into your chest before your sight shifted into another memory.

The reminder of why you were here in the first place rang in your head when you finally entered the most dreaded one.

You didn’t want all of your happy memories to fill your being with sorrow, you didn’t want to grieve over a person who you saw everyday, he lived his life before your very own eyes, his every breath that called out to another girl, confessed his love to another woman whom you wished and hoped would become you one day matched with your every breath that called out to him.

Every day and every night your lips refused to not hold hope for his response, till the syllables of his own name tasted foreign on your tongue. they tasted bitter to you, not the familiar sweetness you felt when you had called out to him in the first few months of his delightful presence in your life.

The lightness you felt in you had turned into the constriction of your chest on you, the heavy weight atop your ribs felt as if they were pushing against your heart, punishing it for being so reckless and careless to fall in love with the only man you weren’t meant to be with.

Now each beat of your heart that you were convinced thundered for him, felt like hell breaking loose in between your veins, the burst of ecstasy and excitement had all dulled down to aches of anguish and despair.

And before you knew it, the rush of joy that ascended throughout your body had transformed to absolute misery.

Here you were again, in another painful memory. The mattress sank softly at your weight when you gathered the courage to face your love and your fear, though you weren’t quite sure when those two interlinked.

You knew love was never supposed to be fearful, the unblemished love your heart had held for the boy who had his back turned towards you on the bed was not supposed to frighten your mind with dread of the outcome of tonight.

Jaeyun was on the other side of the bed, huddled beneath the blanket as if using the fabric to protect himself from his surroundings, hiding away from the reality and the truth that awaited him with impatience, “jake..” you whispered, voice low as you tested the waters and longed for any sort of reaction from him.

Yet he remained stoic atop the sheets.

From your perspective, jaeyun appeared so close yet so far away and out of your reach, as the days passed by he pulled further from your grasp, backing away from the same hold that once brought comfort to his distraught conscience, as if the graze of your fingertips burned him.

And before you were able to realise it jaeyun was too far away, standing a large distance far from the circle that contained your warmth, where you stayed. Both of your beings were suddenly standing in a parallel line with no signs of interlacing in a messy circle once again.

You weren’t exactly sure when both of your hearts had gotten intertwined so awfully to one another, a tangled web forming between your ribs. Yet it seemed that whatever force connected the two appeared defenceless and weak when faced against the same force that was rapidly pushing your bodies and minds away from each other.

It appeared like the love that poured in every web and vein wasn’t enough to pull your soul against his own.

“We should talk.. we need to.” you breathed out, tone heavy as if you knew he was going to be quick to shut you out once again, but you weren’t sure if you were going to walk away for a safe amount of time before returning to him again this time.

Just how many times have you lived through this exact scenario? And how many times were you willing to do so?

“There’s nothing to talk about.” he replied through gritted teeth, closing his eyes once he felt the familiar burn around his iris, and there it was. the same answer you had memorised yet so desperately tried to forget, it left a bittersweet feeling to your moment, you were expecting it and the melancholy of hearing it again settled into your emotions.

Instinctively, you turned your head towards him. Your eyes tracing every tense muscle beneath his shirt, the rigidness of his shoulders as he appeared uncomfortable in his own room and god was the thought a punch to your gut when the possibility of your presence making him uneasy crawled its way into your brain.

And the guilt returned to your system immediately, “i’m sorry.” you spoke, words dragged from your strained and tightened throat as you desperately wanted to sprint into the bathroom before a sob fell from your lips. You felt pathetic, really. His coldness and curt replies never affected you as much as this one, maybe it was because you knew this was going to be your last attempt.

With your eyes unfocused on your surroundings, your feet pushed the door of the bathroom behind you before you leaned onto the wall for strength. And unbeknownst to you, jaeyun finally let out a shaky breath fall from between his bruised and bitten lips, allowing all the tears to spill past his skin, the same skin you so lovingly kissed just a few months ago, and now the mere thought of your lips against him was shredding his own emotions apart.

Jaeyun knew that with every harsh word he spoke, he was also single-handedly ripping apart every web between your hearts.

The pale blue moonlight illuminated the room, landing directly on the empty spot in the middle of the bed, as if asking for one of your tense bodies to move towards one another, yet both of you remained with your backs against eachother. Jaeyun was slowly counting the seconds, he knew the exact amount of minutes it took you to fall asleep by now as he had repeated the same routine every night, except this time your breathing was taking longer to deepen than it was supposed to.

That was until he heard a quiet sniffle ring in his ears.

He froze atop the cold sheets, the sound echoing in his mind as if it was tormenting him, the blame and guilt instantly rooting themselves deep in his stomach and extending their branches far in his body, planting themselves fully in his lungs till the point he couldn’t breathe, his breaths turning shallow the more sniffles and quiet cries of heartbreak reached his ears.

The sweat around his palms turned icy, his own body betraying him as he remained paralysed beneath the blanket, his heart screamed at him to go, to move for good for once, fingers itching to turn around and wrap your shaky figure in his hold, to protect you from the demons that were tormenting you both endlessly, yet he couldn’t move.

The louder his heart drummed in his chest to move, the sterner his mind reminded him of how much he deserved this, after all those months of neglect who did he think he was to suddenly switch and turn back towards you? After all those steps he took away from you, how dare he even think of walking back on the same footsteps?

And so he stayed. His body stoic in fear of moving an inch.

He breathed out his first deep breath when he realised that you stopped, when you finally fell asleep and he was able to move and breathe again. Jaeyun wasted no time in getting up from his side of the bed, his feet felt cold against the floor, each step he took towards your side felt heavy on his heart, countless pangs of guilt arrowing themselves directly across his chest at the sight of your sleeping frame hugging the blanket close to you.

The closer he walked towards you, the more he felt the torturous sting in his eyes, he gulped the moment his rigid frame made contact with your blanket, sitting down right next to your small frame. And as he took in the features of your face that he so dearly loved he felt his soul hurting further.

He noticed all the glimmering streaks of tears that aligned your skin, your wet eyelashes that carried and held onto smaller droplets of your pain, the soft redness tainting the tip of your nose matching your cheeks, the longer he stared at you the worse his hands ached to hold you against him.

The comfort of your aura around him had stayed the same, your mere existence around him felt tenderly welcoming to him. The presence that felt like the manifestation of a hug from the whole universe, the warmth that was carefully picked from every star in the galaxy was all provided to him by the heavens in the form of you.

Yet his presence had changed. It had matched yours in the beginning, the presence that was a combination of all galactic bodies, the mere light of his aura challenged the light of the sun and all the stars combined, a glow so bright that rivalled the brilliance of every heavenly titan, he was otherworldly. he was your sunshine.

And now the warmth of the sun had dulled, dissolved into the shell of what he used to be, you thought that maybe each light had its own darkness since even the moon had its own dark side that it was ashamed of turning to show.

His fingertips landed against your soft skin, the disappearance of the coldness from his body the moment it made contact with yours made him melt in front of your sleeping form, and he allowed himself for once to sob all of his pain out.

“I’m sorry..” he whispered, voice breaking as he attempted to convey his emotions once they intensified by the seconds, his misery streaming down his face, “I’m so sorry..” he repeated, the heaviness in his heart worsening at the sight of his tears dripping down onto your blanket, his pain surrounding you once again.

“I wish—“ he gasped for breath, his insides shattering apart the longer he spent next to your frame, “I wish you hated me, so much.” He finally breathed out, his heart stinging with each word, sight blurring further as more tears fell past his cheeks.

“You don’t deserve me, my love.” Jaeyun smiled sadly at your sleeping form, the thought of you receiving the same kind and brave love that you felt for him brought a short-lived happiness to him, he knew he was incapable of reciprocating the adoration that filled you whole because of him.

Jaeyun was scared the second he realised that you had handed your heart over to his hands, he knew his bravery wouldn’t hold enough power to clench his fingertips around your fragile heart, resulting in the delicate and weak item to slip out of his fingers and shatter like countless pieces of glass on the floor.

How he wished he had the courage to love you the same way you loved him, to adore you the same way you adored him, to run back into your warm circle and keep you hidden and protected in his embrace till the end of times, yet he was incapable. His fears and doubts eating away at all the potentials that existed in your heart.

“But I don’t want you to not love me either.” He cried quietly, the thought of you receiving the same love you deserved from someone else destroyed him completely, the visualisation of you smiling the same way you do with him to another man had his hands springing upwards from your skin to grip onto his hair, paining himself in hopes of the torturous image dissipating from his mind.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated once again, his eyes stinging at the continuous hurt his body had bottled up and just got the courage to spill, Jaeyun knew he wasn’t brave enough to show and confess his love to you the way you had done for him, and that fact tugged further on his heartstrings.

The rational part of him hoped aimlessly for a day to arrive where you would realise your worth, realise that jaeyun was still being eaten alive with his fear and doubts and guilt all at the same time, his love for you was overflowing yet he hid each and every bit of it so well.

He knew you deserved better, his rational part always tormenting him with his unworthiness and pushing him further away from you, yet his heart— god his heart couldn’t possibly handle the simple thought of you being away from him.

It was his weak side that still clutched you against him so tightly, the side that was fully and wholly controlled by his emotions that were feral for you, the part of him that desperately ignored all warnings and reminders of his logical side.

Deep down, you knew you and jaeyun were never meant to be. The difference between you and him was vast, similar to the difference of the sand and the ocean, the land and the sky, the moon and the sun. Both parts completing each other while repelling one another at the same time.

You two were never meant to intertwine in the first place.

And even if Jaeyun was finally ready to push every pearl and grain of sand into the ocean, to make the sky fall atop the land and to alter the moon and the sun’s planes’ into a permanent eclipse, it was way too late.

For by the time he wakes up, he won’t even be able to remember you.

The metal pieces on your temples glowed green, indicating another opening for a memory for you, a few days after your despair with jaeyun, where he finally collected all the dispersed courage from his head and went out of his way to make it up to you, inevitably wrapping you both further into his unhealthy cycle of messing up and redeeming himself.

Disregarding the fact that both of your hearts can only take so much. After so much heartbreak and neglect to the core of your soul that only held passion and love towards him, it was bound to give up on trying one day. But you were still loving him. And jaeyun ignored all the voices in his head when they began to claim that your unreciprocated love can’t last that long. Because Jaeyun believed in you.

And maybe it was blinded belief, blurred with his own hope that continued to bloom in his chest, his hope to fix and repair himself as soon as possible so he can present himself to you wholly, even if his time was running thin, even if he didn’t believe in himself, he still found comfort in the small amount of optimism that maybe he can bring the version of him that you adored in your to life.

You both knew that you fell in love with a side of him that he was too afraid to share, too doubtful to uncover and give himself and his most vulnerable parts to, and he knew that he had imprinted himself onto your mind, tattooed his presence onto your heart and he could say that the same implied to himself, it was only a matter of time.

But Jaeyun didn’t know that the longer he was taking to mend himself, he was breaking you further. Just how much longer were you supposed to wait for him to walk back and finally engulf you in his arms again? How much longer was he expecting you to wait while he cured himself? How much longer were you supposed to wait for his love? Unmindful of the way that you, yourself needed to heal as well.

Yet here you were, hand laced with jaeyun’s as he pulled you towards the dining room in the house, his excited giggles rang throughout the walls before the sound got trapped in your head and repeated continuously, your legs moved you in front of the table where a small chocolate cake was placed with three candles atop the icing.

“I made t—“ he started off before he felt your puppy’s fur graze his leg and cut his words, “me and layla made this for you.” He corrected himself, you were still facing the glowing cake with your oh so gentle gaze that never failed to make jaeyun sigh lovingly besides you, “happy birthday, my love.” He whispered, each word knitted with his undying devotion for you, and you felt it. Which made you love him further.

“Thank you, Jaeyun.” You replied, the room suddenly blurred from around you as your only focus was back to him again, to jaeyun’s charming smile and twinkling eyes when you finally faced him, the soft golden burn from the candles made him glow beautifully for you, with his closeness to your body and his fingers still intertwined with yours, you felt yourself falling in love with him all over again.

And jaeyun felt the same, your grateful grin as all of your features softened when your gaze met his made his heart melt into a puddle in his chest, the familiar electricity buzzed between both of your frames, the small glimmer of hope became a fired storm that lit and roared more when the two of you only seemed to get further lost in each other’s presence.

With jaeyun’s face inches away from yours, his arms reached to wrap around your waist, swiftly lifting and placing you on the wooden table next to the cake, the surprised gasp that fell past your lips made him chuckle, his hands then lowered to rest on your thighs, “make a wish, sweetheart.” He spoke, you could feel each flutter of his eyelashes against your skin as he held you close to him.

His slow breath that brushed against your collarbones when he pressed his forehead against yours, both of you closing your eyes to drown completely in this moment, dedicating your mind, body and heart in the close and comfortable warmth of one another that your souls craved for so deeply and desperately, the need clawing away at your heart and finally settling once your hand moved onto his chest, settling above his ribs. You almost melted against him when you felt the rapid thumping of his heart beneath your fingertips.

He moved his head into the crook of your neck, a sudden drowsiness creeping through him as he felt so safe and shielded with you so close to him, you didn’t feel as far and cold from him like you usually do, and that thought brought so much peace to his mind for the first time in months.

And so you breathed his scent deeply, surrounding yourself further in him as you made a wish where you weren’t asking for too much, just for jaeyun’s love.

“Blow them out.” He lifted himself away from you, his fingers ghosting against your legs while he smiled encouragingly at you, both of your eyes seemed glossier with the light of the candles casting down on them.

“Do it with me.” You requested with your tone fragile and careful. jaeyun’s widened, his eyes turning into crescents as he looked at you tenderly. He nodded making you turn your head towards the candles, the slight warmth provided by the small fire lead shivers to run down your spine before you both leaned down and blew on the candles together.

And right when you turned back to face jaeyun with a grin, you were left alone next to the chocolate cake, the cold air jabbing at your skin while your eyes uncontrollably sought for the sight of anyone, you could’ve sworn you felt warm hands on your thighs, but there was no one else in the room other than you and layla.

Where did this cake come from? And why were you not able to remember who made this cake?

「 i waited for your love. 」

All at once, the machine glitched. Losing its track on the map of your mind when the lights around your temples glowed scarlet, indicating the loss of the connection, the interlink pausing for a brief second when a sob wrecked through your body when you remembered the memory you were about to erase.

The nurse’s rushed movements to carefully pat your cheeks that were dampened with your tears were useless against your gut wrenching cries, a rush of emotions that raged in your chest before they fell through your eyes, like a dam shattering apart as the waterfalls streamed down your face and separated from your chin to land on your lap, gradually dampening the fabric.

“Please keep t-this one.” You whimpered, each word falling apart as your voice quietened slowly, your hands reaching to clasp around the necklace that graced your chest, the small piece of pine almost penetrating your skin with its sharp edges the tighter you held it when you opened your blurry eyes to the sight of the doctor and the nurse gazing at you warily, the sorrow was shared in the room as their sympathy towards you was clear in the windows of their eyes.

The woman’s warm hands gently held onto your shaking shoulder while you begged and sobbed with the machine glitching to please keep this upcoming memory, you felt helpless. More parts of your love, of your heart being ripped away from you were finally catching up to you and god was the pain absolutely unbearable.

Was this the punishment one had to pay for the innocent act of falling in love with sim jaeyun?

Words and voices became blurred and intangible from around you, the apologies from the nurse and the doctor never fully processing in your mind as the sorrowful memory had started to play ahead of your eyes with no help from the machine.

Your last whispers were to keep this memory, to leave the memory so you can hold onto the final and most precious piece of sim jaeyun that you got to see and experience first hand, the moment where your adoration and devotion towards the boy was solidified, before the pieces returned to glow in thier emerald hue and the device relinked.

Your head ached with the continuous tears flowing down your face when the memory of you and jaeyun sitting next to each other on the couch unfolded, his fingertips ghosted on your skin, dancing around and drawing shapes and words only he knew the meaning behind while he held you close to him, the inexplicable need and desire to hold you near took a hold of him, and you understood it.

You and jaeyun understood one another beyond the boundaries others deemed possible, you understood his soul so well, his soul that was crafted from a language so intricate and delicate and you were fluent in it. And when faced with the opposite situation of him knowing your soul, he flowed in every crack and crevice of your being easily.

his presence had seeped its way throughout all of your walls that you spent day and night building, growing rapidly all over your walls like vines before breaking them all one by one, till he rooted himself in a great spot, deep in your heart.

If possible, he knew your soul better than he knew his own. But the disagreement of your minds overpowered the link between your hearts and unraveled your tangled souls from one another.

And maybe your mastery in his language was the dawn for the demise of your sweet, innocent love. Because you hated that you could tell how fidgety and anxious jaeyun was around you in this current moment.

“Is something wrong?” You finally had the bravery to voice out, worry worsening when you felt his movements freeze. He cleared his throat before sighing, pulling himself slightly away from you to stare into your eyes.

You felt time slowing around you when you saw his glossy gaze, sim Jaeyun looked breathtaking with the amount of emotions that swirled in his eyes, an amount you couldn’t even begin to fathom or comprehend, you felt yourself gradually losing yourself the longer both of you drowned on the other’s presence, the atmosphere then carried a great sense of doom that both of you decided to ignore.

Too scared to face the results of your avoidance.

“I have a gift for you.” Jaeyun breathed out, the weight that he dragged on his shoulders became heavier when he continued his typical routine of ignorance, of running away from the problem in every possible direction even if they led him to the most tragic path.

Nodding to encourage him, you pursed your lips in anticipation, excitement sparking slowly when you finally pushed away every anxious thought of what could be possibly bothering jaeyun, his hands reached towards his pocket where he pulled a box, your eyes widening when— “I’m not proposing!” He quickly blurted out once he caught your shocked expression, “it’s just— a special gift.” He blushed making you tilt your head in confusion, unknowingly deepening the blush on his face.

“Here.” He handed you the white velvety box, your fingers brushed against the fabric one final time before opening the lid and god you’ve never felt so many conflicted emotions all at once.

The intense vehemence and hurricane of feelings swirling around your heart and chest uncoordinatedly lead the device unable to keep up with the contrast between your happiness in the memory and the sheer ache that you were facing in the current time.

Like the tides of an ocean, your regret washed down on you. Intensifying as if the waves were battling with a storm, escalating the worse the strikes of the thunder became with the time. How were you supposed to forget about him?

“Why are you crying?” His voice was weak, lips quivering in panic of you repelling his gift, hating the small pine cone necklace that adorned the box in your hands, “what?” You asked, confusion laced in your voice, you were over the moon why would you be crying?

You fingertips left the soft pine cone pendant to touch your face, flinching when feeling the small tear drop on the pad of your finger, you never cried in this memory.

“Please calm her down, her emotions are disrupting the memory.” You heard the muffled voice of the doctor followed by the panicked and comforting whispers of the nurse in your ear, whispered promises of living in peace and finding happiness barely reached your mind when you were wiping away your happiness yourself right now.

“Let me help you put it on.” Jaeyun proposed, smiling softly when you nodded and turned around after handing him the necklace, Jaeyun chanted words of reassurance in his head in hopes of calming his shaking fingers that burned when they brushed against your skin, clasping the necklace for the first and final time around your chest, he felt happiness and pride blooming in his heart at the satisfaction of having a piece of himself around you at all times.

“Turn around so I can see you, pretty.” He leaned in and whispered into your ear, his smile widening when you chuckled at his words and turned around.

But why was there no one behind when you turned?

Gasping through your tears with the pieces glowing crimson around your temples, you searched through the blurry figures of white coats and stethoscopes for a different one, though unknown to you who exactly you were searching for, your eyes still raced through every corner of the room.

“Please calm down, miss.” The nurse reassured, pushing the device back onto your temples when you still weakly looked around, too exhausted to respond or fight for your belief that someone is supposed to be here for you, “we’re one final memory away.” You heard the doctor talk before breathing a shaky breath in and taking your final trip to your memory lane.

“I’ll return before night, love.” Jaeyun shouted from the door, hoping that you weren’t able to hear his wavering voice when he left you on the only day you asked for him to stay, but after all of your attempts and requests to get him to stay were unsuccessful, you stayed in the room with your puppy as you waited for her father.

And what was supposed to be two hours became three, what became three turned into the evening, and here you were with your back leaning against the door Jaeyun walked out from when it’s past midnight, Layla’s figure quickly found your own crouched one, arms wrapped around your knees to allow the sleeves of your shirt to catch your tears when the thunder struck for the nth time that night, the night that Jaeyun didn’t return.

Your chest felt empty, as if your heart had been ripped and now the cold air passing through the void of where you used to hold a blinding love made goosebumps align like constellations along your skin, you felt hollow.

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this, baby.” You cried to layla who’s ears only lowered, if it wasn’t for the poor lighting in the hallway you would’ve been able to also see her own glossy and hurt filled eyes at the sight of you, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t make him love me.” You turned your head from her silhouette. Shame, humiliation and heartache overflowing you entirely as you sobbed behind the same door jaeyun was leaning against.

He stood there with his frame freezing from the cold, another night of him not being able to tell the difference between the rain droplets falling from his hair and his own salty tears as he allowed the guilt to eat him up from the inside out, not having the heart to possibly open the door and greet the view of a heartbroken you.

He had seen the sight of your tired eyes too many times, and knowing that he himself was the root of the pain made the heartache devour him whole, so he slid down onto the wet floor beneath him with his back towards the door, chuckling tearfully at his own patheticness.

If only he had the bravery to free fall into the sweet and accepting love that bloomed between the two of you like you had, maybe he would’ve been on the other side of the door to engulf you in his arms and console you.

But who was he kidding, he’s the same guy that couldn’t handle the responsibility of your pure heart and distracted himself with other women, surrounding himself with different fragrances and lipstick prints all when the lady of his heart was always within arm’s reach.

He wished he had moulded himself back into the version of him that you met, the loving and easygoing Jake that gazed at you with stars in his eyes, but the damage had already been done. There was no turning back now.

Especially not when you finally opened your eyes fully to the blinding light in the room, the soft blue light being sighted in your peripheral vision, indicating the completion and the success of the operation.

Elation sparked in your body, gradually burning into a small fire when you couldn’t remember anything.

“How are you feeling, miss?” The nurse asked, a hopeful smile gracing her features while she gazed at a confused you taking in your surroundings as if it was your first time, “weirdly.. light?” The doctor chuckled at your words, “the operation was a success.” He spoke before grinning pridefully at his triumph.

“You did amazing, miss.” The nurse praised as she helped you to stand on your own feet with no heavy weight on your shoulders for the first time in months, discarding the metal pieces before shaking your hands, words of gratitude and wishes for a healthy and happy life were exchanged before you finally walked out of the door belonging to the office, taking your first strives with no burden or guilt surrounding you as if you were floating.

Oblivious of the knowledge that Jaeyun woke up with a headache on the other side of the city, the back of his head pounding with him barely able to register Layla’s worried coos, unable to fully open his eyes and lifting his hand to rub the sleep away before— wait was he crying?

The young boy stared at his hand that shined with his tears in confusion, why was he crying? He tried to remember if he had seen a nightmare, a dream, anything— only to reach no answer.

“Hey pretty, don’t worry about me it was probably a dream.” He decided on comforting his puppy that only cooed sadly, his hand reaching forward to pet her fur while the other reached into his pocket to retrieve his phone when it brushed against a foreign object.

Jaeyun’s eyebrows furrowed when he pulled out a small box from his pocket, the item resembling a weirdly intimate small box, he opened it to reveal a beautiful ring— a promise ring. embroidered with a bunch of small diamonds around the silver lining, his confusion deepening when he had absolutely no clue of who this ring could possibly belong to.

He searched the inside for any sort of engraving to no avail, “who was this for..?” He whispered to layla who deflated further into the floor, sadness overflowing from her eyes at the defeat and loss of her friend.

And at the end, you and jaeyun’s tragic love story became encapsulated into a small forgotten star in the vast, wide and endless sky.

Already opening new opportunities and doors for different stories to be woven into your lives, you finally met up with the guy your friend had set you up with, and you knew the decision of trusting her taste was successful when a tall, doe eyed guy showed up to your table.

“Hello, my name is heeseung.” He smiled sweetly, his warm aura welcoming and pulling you in completely, unknown to you that this was just the beginning of your story with the love of your life, both of you getting lost in tangled conversations filled with questions and your interests, unaware of the different couple passing outside of the window.

“Wait so jungwon scored right?” Jake laughed, engrossed in the story of how his best friend almost ended up in the hospital, “after making riki trip, yes.” The girl besides him chuckled when Jake threw his head back in laughter, without noticing how his puppy stood outside of a cafe window, layla was no longer following him and instead she seemed to gaze intensely into the window.

Her tail swishing in excitement and joy when she spotted your figure sitting on one of the chairs, accompanied by a man that wasn’t afraid to wrap his arm around your shoulder while you laughed at his words.

Both you and Jake blind to the sight of the conflicted puppy who’s head only swished on both of your distant figures with two different people around you now before walking away with a heavy heart in jaeyun’s direction.

Maybe you and Jaeyun were never meant to successfully intertwine.

— fin

a,note. this feels so weird to share now because this is my first ever heavy angst filled work that’s also very emotionally connected to me in a way, first of all thank you ariana for releasing album of the year and inspiring me to write this, if you haven’t listened to eternal sunshine please do as soon as possible.

second i’d like to share how somewhat uncomfortable it is for me to share this as i had to take a lot of breaks throughout writing it (i’m an emotional b word pls) and also there were alot of moments that were inspired by my closest friendships / emotional experiences so i really feel like im sharing some sort of part of myself with this as well, but either way i hope u enjoyed reading this !! i love u layla and i’m sorry :(

[deafearsdiary]

Too Much To Think About

I'm scared to make that commitment. Not hesitant, just scared. Because I know how lonely it is to have to wait for someone for such a long time. I know how big of a heartbreak can come with it too because feelings, and people, change every day. Anything can make you change your mind or want something else. Someone else. I'm sure I don't need to give you gut-wrenching, terrifying examples.

On top of the fact that it'd be only my decision. It's not like we've agreed to waiting until a specific time. I'm not sure if you won't because you simply don't want to, or because you don't want one of us to give up at some point and hurt the other.

I've already decided, though. I know I made up my mind on the phone. It was probably the very first time we spoke, but definitely most recently. In the back of my mind, all I could think was, "You're going to have to wait longer. Be patient and wait. Live your life and wait. And hope he still loves you when he's finally ready to. " Because how could I not? I'd have to be stupid to not wait it out this time. I'd be a moron to not be patient and wait for the person who makes my heart swell to the size of a watermelon just by existing.

I just don't know if I am going to try and wait with you or alone. I'm not sure which will make me feel less lonely.

[thoughtsaladblog]

Tales of a teacher

If you asked what it was like being a teacher I could tell you tales of being underpaid and under-appreciated. About how it's one of the most ungrateful jobs of all-time, where even the government needs to be reminded to increase your wages; where parents think that it's your job to perform miracles with their kids' grades; where society doesn't believe you deserve to be given the same value as those doing a corporate job; where your "friends" advice you to get a "real job" and your relatives view you as pretty much a failure. Because teaching is not glorious or glamourous- especially not private tutoring. I could tell you tales of all this... But let me tell you what being a teacher is to me.

To me, being a teacher means welcoming into your life the most amazing kids and having the chance to watch them grow into these phenomenal beings. It is a profound feeling of knowing you learn from them almost as much as they learn from you. It's being able to be their friend, mentor and sometimes even their honorary sibling as you hold their hand through life's turbulent waters and help them through the same paths you once took, making sure that perhaps their choices are better than what yours were- or that if they make the wrong choice, they won't be alone when they fall. It's being their source of comfort in those dark times when they feel like it's all too much, and making sure they know they're not and never will be alone. It's finding out that for all your adamance about not wanting your own kids, you would protect these kids with your life- you'd near take a bullet for them. It's knowing that on your darkest days they saved you from sinking into despair, and gave you a reason to get out of bed. It's knowing that your stupidest decision to put them first will also be your most rewarding one. But most of all, it's the gut-wrenching heartbreak of knowing that your time with them is limited. Six years, and you let them go: watch them leave- perhaps never to come back, but maybe secretly be grateful whenever they remember you.

It is one of the hardest goodbyes, because you knew all along this day would come. You're old enough, experienced enough to know how it all goes- to know that perhaps you'll have them popping up in your life for a few short years before life gets in the way, and then before you know it, you're a distant memory. Your name will come up at reunions perhaps, and they'll wonder how you are, make a failed mental note to check up on you. But they'll always be in the center of yours, and you'll remain their silent cheerleader as you watch them grow and accomplish things you never could, as you beam with pride- because you know you saw it so many years ago; saw all they could become before they or the world ever did. And you'll know that you had at least the most infinitesimal impact on that person they become- and for once, you're proud of yourself too.

We don't teach because we love teaching- at least I don't. I teach because I love my kids- yes, my kids. They will always be "my kids" to me. Teachers who cherish that profession do so for the kids. It's not about the money (God knows, there's barely any), nor the subject. It is and always has been about the kids. They are the best part of my day: the best part of my life. That is what teaching means to me.

[infernalodie]

𝐇𝐮𝐫𝐭 || 𝐀𝐛𝐛𝐲 𝐀𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧

“𝘐 𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘴 𝘜𝘱𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘢𝘳'𝘴 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘪𝘳 𝘍𝘶𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘳“

Inspo: Johnny Cash - Hurt

Pairing: Abby Anderson x gn!reader

Summary: You left because of the obsession and of the heartbreak Abby caused you and countless others. And when you find peace, a sense of forgiveness, she just has to come back and fuck everything up. Including hurting the man who took her father away. The man you considered a friend.

Warnings: Angst and slight gore

Words 2705

“Clyde, if you don’t knock it off, I will stab you with this fork, brother.” The thunderous laugh coming from the older man echoed through the Tipsy Bison. His languid movements were restricted by the countless shots he had taken in an attempt to make up for the snowstorm going on outside the walls of the bar.

People had taken shelter under the warm lighting above and candlelit tables where most people were sat. Drinking their worries away with you trying to get a meal in. But the man beside you and his infectious laugh was proving to be a challenge. Not that you were complaining. It was better to be in here than out there walking home.

But you were happy to have a beer nearby as it helped remove the worries of what was happening outside of Jackson. There had been no sign of Ellie, Joel, or Tommy for the past few hours. You had tried to go to their posts and bring them on home, but Maria was quick to shut that down. Finding you too valuable to be out there in that blistering storm looking for people that might just be at an outpost buying their time before the storm passed through.

So, here you were. Drinking away the anxiety as you tried to ignore the feeling that something was terribly wrong was happening. Perhaps finishing off this bottle and plate of mashed potatoes and steak might help you. But if you were being honest, you knew that since you came here and met the people residing in the walls, your anxiety had always been at an all-time high.

“Kid, you need to loosen up a little,” Clyde gruffly told you, collapsing on the stool beside you. Bumping shoulders with you as you sighed in annoyance. “Everything happening outside is fine. Calm your horses and relax for a moment. They’ll be back before you even know it.”

You knew the man was likely right. He was way older than you, around the age of Eugine. But you still couldn’t shake this gut-wrenching feeling that something was going on. And it irked you not knowing what that thing was.

Perhaps they had made you. Figured out your past well enough that they could already start to piece together a story that likely wasn’t true. They didn’t have to believe your words if they believe in themselves enough to kill you or send you out to the hounds.

Because honestly, you had no quarrel with them when you likely should have. In all honesty, you had been looking for a new place to call your home that wasn’t a 4x4 cell. Not to mention having to be cut and beaten by a man you had once called your commander. You had just been lucky enough to have a heart and see the act of a man protecting his daughter. Because, truthfully, what Joel did to your people- the Fireflies, you couldn’t have blamed him one single bit.

He was doing what he thought was right. Now, did he act upon it the right way; that was still debatable. But the intentions behind it were justifiable. And either way, you had no insurance to know that Marline would’ve distributed that cure accordingly. She might’ve used it as a power move to assert dominance over others. So, in the grand scheme of things, he made the right decision. Although the man had been a heartless bastard around that time, he had a heart. You could see it every time you shared a beer with him at his house or at the Tipsy Bison.

But, if they thought of you as a threat, a person seeking revenge, then so be it. If they wanted to kill you, then you could accept that. That was something everyone had to come to terms with sooner or later. And it's not like you could completely blame them for taking the steps to keep themselves and their people safe.

Even with that acceptance, it didn’t make things any better when you could only guess they caught wind of you. All you could do is sit and expect the worse to come.

The doors to the bar swung open with a loud bang, attracting everyone’s attention. Howling winds were now louder with an opening as you turned to find Maria with a jacket, gloves, and hat on her head. Eyes wide and frantic as they finally caught yours.

“Y/n, I need you for a second.”

Instantly, your mind went rampant with all the possible scenarios that could occur. You could walk out and be shot in the head like an injured dog. Or she could banish you without any supplies and leave you in the freezing cold. But nonetheless, you ignored those thoughts and grabbed your jacket and gloves. Slipping them on before following the woman out of the bar, slamming the door on your way out.

“What do you need me for?” You called out over the winds, eyes squinted as you trudged through the pits of snow that reached the middle of your shins.

Maria didn’t reply, opting for a small glance. But it was enough for you to see the tears in her eyes as she continued to lead you through the storm.

It felt like forever before you finally reached the stables. The lanterns outside of the structure illuminate a figure crouched down with their head in their hands. The closer you got, the easier it was for you to make out the bun and beige jacket. Dina. Past her, there were individuals moving around inside the structure that you couldn’t make out.

That anxiety rose.

“Dina!” You called out over the winds, noting Maria falling back a few steps behind you. The girl looked up, tear-stricken eyes being masked by the flush of the cold. You placed a hand on her arm, gently moving her towards the stables to keep her warm where both of you could think properly. “What the hell is going on?”

Dina’s lips parted, but nothing came out. Her mind was unable to comprehend and fabricate a sentence that would be substantial to answer your question. She could only glance in the direction of the voices that could be heard within. You glanced in the direction, looking back at the girl for a moment before moving inside.

As soon as you moved inside, you noted the harsh metallic scent hitting your nose. Then you noticed Ellie sitting against one of the stable doors. Her eyes were hollow and aimless as she stared ahead of her. Dry blood underneath her nose as she could visbly be seen trembling.

Tommy was leaning against a pillar, waving off some of the men trying to help patch up his face that was blood. His right eye was damaged far beyond repair, but you could make out the shaky breaths he took in. Body shaking as he bowed his head.

Seeing Jessie untying something from the back of the horse, you walked over with a frown. “Jessie, what happened?”

He looked up at you for a moment, swallowing the lump in his throat before standing to his feet. “Something happened outside the walls,” he began. “I went to relieve Joel and Tommy at their post, but never found them there. Somewhere along the way, Ellie went off to follow some tracks and we did the same. Came up on a house where tire tracks could be found. We… We were too late.”

Your eyes flickered down to the tarp wrapped around something. Glancing back up at Jesse, you moved past him and pulled your knife from your hip. Grasping the rope tied around the tarp and cutting it. A sliver of what was inside was revealed. It didn’t take you much time to see that all too familiar jacket. Causing your eyes to sting as you exhaled shakily, pulling the tarp back.

A hand clasped over your mouth as you stared at the bloodied features of Joel’s face. The left side of his head caved in with a weapon. The cracks of skin and his skull leaking brain matter with his left eye swelled up to the size of a golfball. Blood scattered across his features and soaked in his beard and hair.

In your time getting to know the man, he showed kindness to you that you didn’t deserve. It confused you at times when you had heard this man killed all the Fireflies but still had a heart with love and care willing to be shared with others. He was far different than anyone could’ve known, including your ex-girlfriend, who you knew was responsible.

And it might’ve just been that fact that left a bitter taste in your mouth. Angered by the loss of a father and wishing death upon the person responsible was understandable. But acting out on it, seeking revenge for something that would only destroy yourself, that was something you were disgusted by. Especially by the woman you had shared a bed with for countless nights and defended with tooth and nail. But it had only ended up with your throat sore from the screams and cries that were ripped from your lungs.

Lowering your hand, you shook your head with tears running down your cheeks. Nose twitching as your lips wobbled, containing whatever yell of sorrow that fought to break through.

Abruptly standing to your feet, you cut the rope connecting Joel’s sled to the horse. Grabbing one of the assault rifles hung by the stable doors and hopped onto the horse. “Y/n, where are you going? You can’t go out there right now.” Jesse told you, standing by your side as you turned the horse around.

“I’m going to hunt down the fuckers that did this,” you told him bitterly. “And then, then I’m going to destroy everything they love.”

Tapping your heels on the side of the horse, you took off in a sprint. Leaving all the yells and pleads from the others behind you as you passed through the gates into the storm. One person in mind that you knew could be responsible.

Abby.

A shiver ran down Abby’s spine as she stepped out of the beaten-up Gas Station. Eyes flickering to Manny and Nora who were attempting to syphon gas from one of the pumps. She never understood why they did it when it was likely going to be empty. But she decided to make themselves look like fools when they came up empty.

They’d run out of gas after having to speed away from Jackson and get far enough away. Abby was just using this time to relax and be overjoyed by the fact that Seattle wasn’t that far away. A few more hours and she would be able to sleep in a comfortable bed that wasn’t her sleeping bag. And maybe then, she could comprehend the idea of Owen getting Mel pregnant.

But that would’ve been too easy, wouldn’t it?

The clicking of a gun got her attention, unable to respond before she felt the muzzle of a weapon press against the back of her head. A whistle sounded and the others turned to find Abby with her hands raised in surrender. But their eyes widened in shock.

“Put your guns on the ground and kneel.”

Abby felt her stomach churn at the familiar tone of your voice. Eyes flickering shut with a shaky exhale coming from her lips. “Y/n?” Manny inquired, eyes squinting. “What the hell are you doing?”

“Don’t make me repeat myself.” You nudged Abby’s head against the muzzle of the weapon. “I swear to god, I will kill each and every one of you.”

From the doorway of the Gas Station, both Mel and Owen appeared. Stepping out, but freezing when they saw you hiding behind Abby with a pistol in your hand and pressed against the back of her head. “Y/n?” Mel muttered, eyes wide in shock that you were indeed still alive.

“I know what you did,” you growled. “The innocent act doesn’t look cute on any of you. So, how about we get down to the reason why I’m here, hm?”

You spun Abby around, pressing the pistol to her forehead. But the moment she met your eyes, she found a ruthless killer instead of an old lover. She’d hoped that whenever the both of you met again, you would still have that faint light of love held for her. Except, she was met with utter and unkempt rage. Not just for what she just did, but for what she’s done to you.

“You killed someone, Abby. Someone I know for a fact didn’t deserve what you gave him,” you said. “I should just kill all of you for what you did.”

“Do you mean Joel?” Nora questioned, a laugh slipping past her lips as she frowned. “Why the fuck does it matter? You hate him as much as we did.”

“That was correct, for a time. But you guys don’t know the type of shit storm you’ve started.” Shoving Abby back, you kept your aim focused on her as she slowly turned towards you. “I mean, you practically rang the dinner bell for every goddamn wolf to come hunting.”

Abby truthfully didn’t know what to say. For a time, she remembered you to be as bloodthirsty as she was to kill Joel. He killed your friends all for a girl. Nothing about this made sense to her.

“He killed my father, Y/n,” Abby spat. “He had it coming to him.”

“Watch it!” You warned. “I should fuckin’ kill your just for everything you’ve done to me.”

“Y/n-” She attempted.

“Say another goddamn word and I promise it will be the last words you speak, Abs.” The girl clamped her lips together, hands still raised as you stepped towards her. “You lost my trust and loyalty the moment you and Owen had me locked up for something I didn’t do. And after all this time, you still can’t accept the fact that your daddy is dead, huh?”

There was some part of Abby that wanted to speak up, maybe even kill you for making such a comment. But from her feelings, she couldn’t bring herself to do so. You two had grown up together and for a moment, loved one another unconditionally. She knew she fucked up and she didn’t blame you for holding a large resentment towards her. But she expected you to be a little bit relieved knowing her father’s killer was put to justice.

“People die, Abby- Grow the fuck up!” You exclaimed. “This obsession that you and the rest of you fucks have held is only going to be your downfall. And when the time comes and I am brought alone to wreak havoc in your lives once more, you best believe I will do it with a smile on my face.” You growled, shoving the girl back again as she stared at you in disbelief.

She expected you to shoot her right there and then. Get payback for selling you out to Issac all those years ago. But she was surprised when you relinquished your pistol to its holster. “Stay the fuck away from Jackson.” Your eyes flickered over her features, hands shaking in need to wrap around her throat.

But you held back that anger and shook your head, lips curling into a smile. “And if I ever see your face again, stitches won’t fix what I do to you.”

Backing away, you hopped up onto your horse and looked down at the group. “You should get that vehicle up and go soon-” You fired your rifle into the air, causing them all to flinch and duck. Only earning a wicked smirk from you as you lowered the weapon, grabbing ahold of the reigns. “Wouldn’t want this to be our last meeting.”

And just like that, you rode off in the direction you came in. Leaving the group to scramble and hurry with getting the truck up and running. Already hearing the screams of Runners in the distance. But Abby stood still, wondering if you would indeed keep your promise if you ever saw her again.

[ilariyalavorowrites]

Good enough (9-1-1) Part one

Imagine: Imagine leaving LA after feeling like an outsider in your relationship with Bobby and Athena as they seem to pull away and distance themselves from you. Only to find that it is almost impossible to actually walk away.

Warnings: Angst with happy ending, AU, Bisexual Athena, BDSM

Pairings: Bobby Nash x Reader x Athena Grant

Word count: 1,261 words

Universe: 9-1-1

Reader gender: Female

Author: Ilariya_Lavoro writes

Part 1/10

Next

My loves,

By the time you read this, I will be long gone. On the motorway driving out of LA. Know this was far from an easy decision but I could not see a way forward.

This is hard but it needs to be said. I’m struggling to find joy in our time together as it feels as if I have become invisible, an outsider watching from the fringes of a relationship that I believed that I was part of. I can’t do this anymore, just pretend that I am content with this sudden shift in the paradigm.

Am I simply not worthy of being loved by you? Am I just someone to be fucked when the mood strikes. I can’t be simply left out in the cold and watch the love between you two thrive and suffer such heartbreak. I thought I was more than this, I thought wrong. I tried to talk with you both but it never was a good time. There was never the possibility of resolving my worries and soothing my doubts.

This is goodbye, I need a clean slate away from this city that brings me nothing but tears. I need a new beginning, to forgive and begin again. Maybe one day, our paths will cross again and it won’t hurt so damn much.

Goodbye for now at least, who knows what the future will bring

Spilling your heart out on that blank piece of paper had been one of most gut wrenching tasks that you had ever had to complete. It was never just putting pen to paper for you, it was an explanation to the question that would follow. The why but not the where. That would likely be one question that would be answered in time, if things turned out as planned. The answer would not fall from your lips.

This was your moment to move on, to move forward. You wholeheartedly wished that it hadn’t come to this but there was no other way. Not one that you could see. Regardless of the missed opportunities and moments that seemed to slip through your fingers like sand in an hourglass. You sighed as you folded the letter in half and slid it in it’s papery envelope home. Last night had been crystal clear, you had been left behind. They had taken a step forward without thinking of you.

They were thriving together as a couple, and you were simply an afterthought as you sat in the dimming candle lit restaurant waiting for someone who was not coming. You had been forgotten. You could see the dying flame flicker in and out just as your relationship was. You placed the envelope upon the bare dining table, perched against the centrepiece. It was easy to spot when entering your now former home.

You had clung on hope that Athena would have shown. You had sat there for over an hour and a half before a singular text message had come through.

Sorry, there was an emergency and got called in. We can reschedule for another night x

It was all you needed to know, a sign that nothing was ever going to change. You were unimportant, left out in the cold. This relationship was dead in the water. They were thriving without you by their side. The truth hurt, hurt like bitch but it was the wake up call you needed to take the next step, whatever that was.

The relationship no matter how unconventional it was had simply run its course. The door had presented itself, you were simply taking the most obvious and easiest choice, stepping through it. You couldn’t look back, not now. The choice had been made, there was no going back but yet you damn well wished that was a way. This had been the best part of your life thus far. You loved both of them with the entirety of your heart. It felt like you had found what you had longed for, a forever home.

Well it had done up until three months ago, that was when everything changed, when everything figuratively went off the rails with you going one way and the two of them the other. Your path had rapidly grown further and further apart until reality set in hard and fast, slamming and opening your eyes. You had fervently denied it at first, blaming everything but what had been laid out before you. Their feelings for one another had surged, sparked into life whilst the affection, desire for you had sizzled then burnt out.

You were alone, fighting to save a ship that long since capsized. How could you have missed the signs? It was a question that would remain without an answer. Not that it mattered now, you had made peace with your situation. Your fingers made quick work of your house key, removing its thin metal ring. You held in delicately between your thumb and forefinger, as you took one final look at the place that once felt like home. Your lease was up, you had paid the hefty fee to be released from the contract. Nothing would be tying you down to Los Angeles now.

Giving up the apartment was just another string that had needed to be severed. The last one, your job was a little more difficult. You had taken annual leave prior to your life imploding in itself. This was an ideal chance to make a clean break without their knowledge. It was cowardly but you could avoid any awkward conversations this way. Preventing an argumentative onslaught heading your way. The bullseye planted firmly upon your back was enough for you to get out of dodge before Storm Athena hit hard and fast.

There was no turning back now, you had crossed that line and were ready to break free, take that next step but why did it have to hurt so god damn damn much. Your shattered heart would take a long time to heal and be out back to resemble what had been there before. It would simply be missing a few pieces that no longer fit the prior mould. They had been removed, taken and living with the ones that no longer cared. They would always carry a piece of your heart, regardless of whatever lay ahead. You would always love and cherish the time when you were theirs and they were yours. There was no bitterness, no resentment for that wouldn’t do anyone any good.

You sighed as you headed out, leaving the apartment building behind for the last time. You had a train to catch. You had a future to work towards, even if that was without Bobby and Athena. You were making your escape into whatever lay around the next corner. This was just another beginning. Maybe it was a mistake waiting to implode with disastrous consequences without your knowledge.

As you hailed a taxi from the street corner, Bobby and Athena were worried. You had gone silent. They hadn’t been able to get a hold of you in the last few hours. You were always attached to your phone but not this time, not this day. Something was wrong and you were at the heart of the storm. For better or for worse, this was where everything changed as the path beneath your feet began to change heading straight into a collision course.

The once gentle breeze was brewing into an unstoppable hurricane and the bullseye was taped to your back. Change was coming in ways that even you couldn’t predict.

[letstalkabouttvshows]

A moment to talk about how Michael's story arc this season is the most heartbreaking one for him yet.

Michael's mindset right now is "I let the most important person in my life down". As Liz said, even if you have the strongest relationship missteps are bound to happen. You just have to work through them.

But in Michael's story arc this season, it's a misstep with gigantic proportions to him (and consequences too).

And perhaps it might be a misstep he won't be able to take back and make right (we all know he will but the road to get there it's gonna be angsty as it already is).

Here's the thing, Michal is an orphan.

He has been alone most of his life and he always craved to have a family. He has held on to the dream of Oasis because it gave him purpose.

Every time he thought any resemblance of family, of home, might happen, it was taken away from him (his siblings getting adopted, having foster parents from hell, Jesse Manes getting in his way, finding his mom, and losing her in a span of 5 minutes in the most horrific way).

Michael still doesn't know how to deal with stability.

All his nerves about moving in with Alex in 4x01, the way his mind went to all the scenarios that it might not work out, it's the 7-year-old in him still pretty much alive.

The fact that he also "protected" his dream from Alex in 4x02, it points to all the ways he was struggling to understand that he can share things with Alex, that there's someone who he can count on and won't abandon him, that hey, he now can share his dream because it becomes Alex's dream too just because Alex loves him.

It is simple like that. That's what it means to have a stable, loving relationship.

"It's not his dream! Yeah, but it's yours. And he loves ya".

He spent most of his life dreaming and hoping he would find a way to get back home.

But when the idea is very close to being a reality, closer than ever was, it blindsided him.

And, that has nothing to do with Alex and how he feels about him, it has all to do with that part of himself that always felt misplaced. Even if he isn't anymore, not really.

Michael has always been the outcast, he has always been the person that has nothing.

And suddenly, he has everything he has ever wanted.

It has never been a choice between Oasis or Alex.

It has always been a decision to reconcile parts of his past and move forward by embracing his life now, on Earth.

So when Michael discovers Alex's gone, things become painfully clear.

His home has been taken away from him again, but part of it it's on him and that's heartbreaking.

To deal with that guilt, to be confronted with the possibility of not being able to make things right?

To realize home has always been right there and not in a childhood dream based on trauma?

"I HAVE TO HELP HIM! I wasn't listening to him. I wasn't paying attention".

It is gut-wrenching because he neglected the love of his life without knowing.

He had everything and he might have lost it for good and, part of that, it's on him.

It's a beautiful yet heartbreaking story arc, coming full circle.

[familyagrestefanblog]

Theory for “Gabriel Agreste”

Saying that I'm EXCITED for this episode is an understatement, I'm THRILLED! So let me give you my speculation for what could happen in it and how it’ll affect the future, because pieces are literally just falling into place in my brain and I just have to write this down.

The episode is called" Gabriel agreste" because in this episode Gabriel will create a (long time) Sentimonster for himself that'll take his place and cover for him in his civilian life while he himself gets completely swallowed by his Hawkmoth/ShadowMoth identity (which is a direct paralell to the fate Marinette just escaped by telling Alya her secret). He doesn't want to "waste" anymore unnecessary time by having to NOT be Hawkmoth, which then completely separates him from Adrien who very much was one of the last (if not THE LAST at this point) few strings that kept him grounded in his humanity.

The episode takes place right before the middle of the season and since it's season 4 we are talking about here its fair to assume that both Adrien and Gabriel are back at (at least) suspecting each other to be Chat Noir and Hawkmoth again at some point. Adrien is going to be even more rebellious after the status quo break and set up of "Lies" so him maybe (or maybe even confirmed already to Gabriel) to be Chat Noir could definitely be the factor that sets Gabriel over the edge, rips these two apart for good (as I foresaw in my analysis of "Jackady") and brings Gabriel to distance himself altogether while covering his own identity from his son by creating a Sentimonster (bc Adriens secret being discovered by his evil family is already forshadowed to hell and back, just like him ending up getting Homeschooled again this season, mark my words)

---

"Queen Banana" is supposed to take place right before "Gabriel Agreste" and we have a leak where it's seen that Adrien is now kinda taking on Nathalies role since she is (supposedly) still bed ridden.

Seriously, just humour me here and stay with me. This would mean that Adrien would get to see and interact with his father much more often and Gabriel wouldn't be able to ditch everything and turn into Hawkmoth as easily as he was able to with Nathalie.

A cover up Sentimonster was actually already kinda forshadowed in "Party Crasher"

by introducing HoloGabe with the intention of providing Gabriel with alibis and to attend meetings etc for him in the future so Gabriel can invest more time into being Hawkmoth. But a Hologramm is not suitable for every occasion, which is where the Sentimonster comes into play.

At first Adrien wouldn't notice much off about his father and the few things he notices Adrien actually doesnt mind. If SentiGabe is really supposed to replace Gabriel as... Well, Gabriel, that also means as a FATHER and my money is on SentiGabe being created to be a better father than the original. SentiGabe does everything Adrien wanted his father to do in s1-s3: Join Adrien at dinner time, spend more time with him, is in general in better of a mood and not such an unpleasant dick and so on and so on.

Easy to say, Adrien basically welcomes the good change he always wanted in his "Father" with open arms and chooses to ignore things that seem suspicious and the always remaining gut feeling of something just being... off. This will collide with the unveiling of more of the family (+ Emilie) mystery which will for Adrien all continue to point at Gabriel as Hawkmoth because of one event that is likely to happen in episode 4.

I'm currently writing on yet another post about this topic in particular, so I will link it HERE for elaboration once I post it, but in short, I think Rena Rouge and the Grimoire secrets Marinette shears with Alya could be the catalyst of Adrien suspecting his father to be Hawkmoth again.

Adriens memories of the time he went through the Grimoire himself in "Volpina" would be triggered again after seing the Grimoire page Rena (honestly, quite recklessly) brings along into battle and from then on things will slowly pile up until Gabriel deflects from himself with SentiGabe in "Gabriel Agreste" (just like he did in “The Collector”)

People WAY to easily forget how ready and serious Adrien was in "The Collector" when he actually concidered his father to be Hawkmoth.

Keep in mind that Ladybug was only able to tell Chat Noir the weakest reasons of her suspicion against Gabriel (while the Grimoire being Guardian property was NEVER found out by Adrien... til NOW) that being Gabriels mysterious personality and the butterfly logo of his brand.

These arguments are weak because they are ONLY actually suspicious in the specific context of Gabriel being Hawkmoth. Once you have proof against that they hardly hold any ground anymore, hence why both Adrien AND Marinette so easily brushed off these points after seeing Gabriel akumatized. I mean, excuse a designer for choosing a BUTTERFLY as his logo when his last name is literally the name of a butterfly type. The fuck kind of accusation is that??

So I hope you understand that when I say that, yes, these reasons DID trigger further memories/realizations for Adrien in that moment

It simply was only the tip of the iceberg.

The fact that Adrien not only gave Ladybug the fucking benefit of a doubt and heared her out about accusing his FATHER of being HAWKMOTH and took it THAT seriously and wanted to find out if his father truly IS Hawkmoth means that Adrien very much sees his father as capable of being Paris villain Nr 1. This... understanding and acceptance of Gabriels nature already had to be in Adrien much prior to "the collector" to set it off like this. And while normally Adrien chooses to turn a blind eye towards his fathers bad qualities in favor of seeing Gabriels redeeming (and even the rare somewhat GOOD) qualities, Adrien only does so because he thinks Gabriel hasn't crossed the line yet that makes his father undeserving of these loving conciderations. But Gabriel being Hawkmoth IS CROSSING that line for Adrien and he immediately sets aside his remaining/choosen love for his heavily flawed father and willingly sees Gabriel for what he is.

Adrien already did it once with only a few somewhat solid reasons and the Grimoire being kept secret from him altogether,

So he will do it again, just this time the proofs and developments are supposed to stay for good.

---

This development would not only be forshadowed by "the collector"

But also by the episode "Ladybug". There Mayura used a Sentimonster version of Ladybug against Chat Noir, using their love against him. What she didn't know though was that Ladybug actually isn't in love with her partner (yet) which ended up with Chat Noir being put in the situation of having to decide which Ladybug he believes to be real.

Does he believe and hold onto Sentibug who returns the love he so desperately seeks in life or does he let go of his hopeful wish and accept the heartbreaking reality of once again not receiving his love in return from yet another person he holds so dear?

In "Ladybug" Adrien couldn't make that crushing decision yet (and don't clown in the replies about this, not only was the situation vastly different it's also a cruel thing to ask of Adrien) but as we are used from Miraculous by now, that episode was only the set up for future events.

What Adrien couldn't let himself believe about Ladybug and Sentibug he will have to FORCE himself to accept about his Father and Hawkmoth. Same set-up of the Sentimonster symbolising Adriens desperate and hopeful WISH what his loved one were vs the crushing, heart wrenching reality of what his loved ones actually ARE. Just that letting go of his wish for Ladybugs love didnt seem "necessary enough" for the mission to succeed so he just couldn't MAKE himself give her up whereas accepting and seeing that his father is Hawkmoth is going to be one of the most crucial sacrifices of the show, changing the game forever. So as horrible, cruel and soul shattering as this is, putting an end to his fathers villainous reign for the sake of the greater good is a reason worthy enough to force himself through his pain.Which brings us once again back to “The collector” (which seriously forshadows almost everything I love that episode), because there is ONE major aspect that episodes sets up like crazy

And that is:

And thats where we are heading now.

This entire time Adrien wanted his Father to behave more fatherly, spend more time with him and improve his explosive behavior but he always got disappointed over and over again. So how heartbreaking would it be if over the course of the second half of the season THIS would be the very reason why Adrien gets behind Gabriels secret? Because SentiGabe behaved too fatherly for Adrien to truly buy it in his heart and when forced to decide what he actually believes his father to be - like the fatherly Sentimonster or the villainous Hawkmoth - Adrien has to and WILL recognize and accept his fathers true nature and turn against him, as it has been set up for a LONG time now.

This season shit’s about to go DOWN!

[tinnchan]

Something I haven't seen explicitly discussed is my belief that TMS2 is really a story of how unresolved trauma can ultimately create a circle of trauma. JiWoo's deep seeded self loathing went unaddressed for a really long time until it reached its apex-ish during the breakup. And this subsequently triggered SJ's severe abandonment issues. The more JW's trauma went unresolved, the more he suffered and then more SJ eventually suffered too. From episode 8 it was clear that JW believed he was so unimportant in SJ's life that his coping mechanisms eventually convinced SJ that SJ was rightly abandoned by JW and his parents for being such a burden.

Sometimes I feel like the internet (which it's the internet so you know) is rather obsessed with dividing this show into campus about who's wrong, who deserves the most empathy, and who we can be mad at.

I have really felt like TMS2 wasn't really trying to make JW a villain - controversial opinion. If we had seen JW's perspective from the start I think people would have been extremely sympathetic to him. We would have seen a lot of "This is terrible BUT I also understand" or "SJ don't you understand what's happening"

By keeping JW out of it, it allowed the audience to experience what JW's unresolved trauma did to those around him. We didn't have the luxury of rationalizing it or building an emotional connection that would soften the blow of all of JW's cruel words. We saw how this trauma eventually took it's toll on SJ and traumatized him. Even if they do get back together, SJ will probably dread his birthday and there's no way that he won't believe for a really long time that there's something fundamentally burdensome about himself.

My honest takeaway from the show is the importance of dealing with your unresolved issues before it destroys you or those around you.

Oh god anon! I felt like screaming into the void when Jiwoo's neighbour revealed that Jiwoo and Sung Yoon ghosted each other because if that wasn't a clever way to maybe hint at the notion that you carry the wounds of your past into every new relationships, I don't know what is! If you think Hwang de seul was gonna introduce a past lover solely for the purpose of a contrite misunderstanding scene/a love triangle? Nopes.

This aspect of unresolved trauma is also established with Seojoon and his parents, Jiwoo and his parents, Jiwoo and the whole village. Like you said, this is what you get when you do not address trauma head on. It's not enough to know that it's there and point it out loud. Seojoon has an understanding of Jiwoo and his defenses as early as season 1 and you see how this is a fear that always sat at the back of his mind. He is being aware and cautious with Jiwoo. But this is not enough.

I think one of the most heartbreaking thing that happened is that, as you said, Seojoon has completely internalized that there's something inherently wrong about him. He casually makes those little off-hand, defeatist remarks. He is too much or not enough for people to stick around. Even if they do get back together and Seojoon gets an explanation from Jiwoo, it's totally valid to imagine that Seojoon has already been further traumatized. It's hard not to imagine him having to live with the doubts and fears at the back of his head. There's a possibility that he will still try to modulate his behaviour according to Jiwoo's list, even unconsciously so.

All those hints at Seojoon and Jiwoo's pain get too much at times, man. Also, let's call a spade a spade, they both have exhibited extremely alarming behaviour. Seojoon does not sleep, does not eat, medicates, gets off his medication when maybe he shouldn't, takes rash decisions and possibly self-harms (not dodging the punch form his co-star). Jiwoo hints that it is only his neighbours who were able to save him. I don't think those are hints which are only there to like...try to show us how passionate they are for each other, how heartbreaking and gut-wrenching this heartbreak is. Those are hints to serious, serious issues.

It's so ironic that I think, if things had been addressed head on, Seojoon and Jiwoo would have helped each other a great deal. None of them could have healed each other with the power of their love alone but their experiences are so similar it's striking. It's the same fears and trauma, simply manifested differently. Jiwoo builds up and then cuts everything loose and runs. He is so fearful of being alone that he runs. Meanwhile, the little things Seojoon did throughout their relationship to ensure that Jiwoo was not lonely? I think those also show how anxious he is in his relationships..How it pushes him to overdo and demand constant reassurance from his partner....Which yeah..Hurts.

Oh. I think TMS2 had no intention to villainize Jiwoo. I still believe, having seen Jiwoo's pov that, although it would not have been the ideal solution for him, he should have still been entitled to break up with Seojoon. The show does not require you to rationalize Jiwoo's decisions. It does not ask you to wait for Jiwoo to be redeemed. it does not ask us to forgive him. You just have to like...deep a little and try to understand.