deafearsdiary

[deafearsdiary]

My Fish,

I absolutely HATE the way our relationship ended, but I hate the fact that it ended at all even more. I've been trying to sort my thoughts and figure out why I was feeling the way I've been feeling about everything and I figured writing this letter was a good way to do it.

When we started talking, I wasn't expecting to click with you as quickly and as much as I did. And very quickly you became my escape, my safe haven. The thing with me, is that when I feel things, I feel them entirely. And I don't know how to mask my emotions or feelings. But sometimes, they can be taken the wrong way. You know that I'm so in love with love and I just want that fairytale love to take over my life, but I'm also quite obsessed with feeling good in general too. I don't always have to be in love, it's just my favorite thing to experience. You came during a time where feeling good barely happened for me, and then all of a sudden, because of you, I did. Everyday. (btmoA)

Don't get me wrong, my life still felt pretty shitty and incomplete, and a whole lot like WTF is going on seriously, but then it was like I started secretly walking around with a rainbow in my pocket. Sometimes, when I outwardly show how much I like someone, it gets taken as me being in love. It happens more often than not because I told you, I don't know how to dial it down, but I want you to know I wasn't expecting anything from you. (And a lot of it was just things that I had to get out of my system. Cause, it's like, you're hot, how can I not flirt with you?!) But I wasn't expecting for you to like me as much as I liked you. I wasn't expecting for you to want to keep our friendship as much as I did. I wasn't expecting you to fall in love with me and ask for my hand in marriage. But you didn't even have to do any of that and I still would've liked you just as much because you're you. I honestly wasn't even expecting you to stay, because all of my favorite people leave. But I was really hoping you would've.

I was hoping that you'd unexpectedly become this constant in my life that I wouldn't even dream of being without. I was hoping that you'd stay around so long that every memory I had was invaded by your existence. And I was willing to sacrifice some of the things I wanted most to keep you with me. Because you were the ease that my soul had been begging for for such a long time. It was nice because it wasn't exactly what I had been asking for, or expecting to get. But it was what I needed. With the type of person that I am, I get attached to what I really like very quickly, so when I lose it, I'm crushed. I never learn.

I understand how complicated our relationship was for you, but I didn't see it as that all of the time. I genuinely did think of it as two people that became (sort of) best friends very quickly. I considered you that (my best friend) because everything was so easy with you. I didn't overthink the things I'd want to say to you or the responses you'd have. I wasn't obsessing over any deep conversations, or even thought about my looks with you. It wasn't stuff I worried about. Instantly I felt comfortable with you, and at home: so I was free to be me and not feel judged. Our dynamic was *chef's kiss*. So I never meant to make you feel like you were in this super tough position. Maybe some stuff I did or said resonated with you that I wasn't aware of, and for that I'm deeply sorry.

Because since we stopped speaking, not a day goes by that I don't miss being on the phone for an excessive amount of time, talking about anything that comes to mind. Or cracking up at your many accents that were (finally) as decent as mine are. I miss having the option to get on the game with you, and listening to your unorganized rants. My heart breaks at the fact that you left so quickly, and I'd give an arm and a leg (someone else's, not mine) to have you back. xoxo

Yours

P.S. Every single day something happens that I wish I could tell you about.

[deafearsdiary]

The faces that used to make me the happiest are now the source of my pain. And frankly, I’m tired of it .

[deafearsdiary]

Idk .. I just feel like crying.

[deafearsdiary]

I’ve let go. For real this time, and I feel lighter. Free. However, I’m worried.

I’m scared I’ll latch on to someone too fast again because that’s what I do. I’m scared to do it wholeheartedly and they aren’t the right person for me, again.

I’m scared I’ll get too carried away and be too much, like I’ve done in the past.

Dear God,

I’m scared to be myself and get rejected, again.

[deafearsdiary]

What do you do when you don’t want to wish for death but you always don’t feel like living anymore ??

[deafearsdiary]

The Idea of You

The idea of you calling me over and over if I’m upset with you to work it out rather than letting me stay mad and get over it alone:🥰

The idea of being the first person you call when you get any news, good or bad:🥰

The idea of you choosing me everyday and making me feel loved and wanted enough to wholeheartedly accept it and reciprocate it:🥰

The idea of you&me:🥰

[deafearsdiary]

Have you ever met somebody and knew that you wanted to be in love with them??

[deafearsdiary]

I think I’m just gonna chill . I’m gonna learn to be okay on my own. I’m going to stop trying to jump into something and reading into everything.

I’m not healed.

The thought of you , seeing your face, hearing your voice or the product of your existence still makes my heart bleed.

I need to heal.

I don’t want to have to be on my own, but I shouldn’t feel like I can’t without you. I need to move on like you have.

I’m not healed.

I need to heal from you.

[deafearsdiary]

I just want to be able to see you or hear ur voice and not feel like my heart is bleeding

[deafearsdiary]

I just want someone to hear what’s in my heart and see inside my mind, and not shy away.

[deafearsdiary]

Basically, anything I’m feeling… I have to stop feeling it.

[deafearsdiary]

Oh nothing, just dealing with a broken heart. That’s all, nothing major.

[deafearsdiary]

Feelings/Thoughts

I woke up today feeling my heart entirely. My day started with me deciding. I decided I was going to put my time and dedication into what gives me something back. I don't want to continue to hoping, and waiting whether I want to admit it or not, for something that hasn't proven to be something that's prioritized me even a little bit.

Nothing seems black and white, and I want it to be. I want to be able to know the things I go for is concrete, and good for me. I want to know that the decisions I make won't backfire and feel like mistakes down the road. I want to feel like changing my mind doesn't feel like a cop out. I'M NOT GIVING UP! I'm trying to make better decisions, but also want what I want. I want to want what I want. I don't want to just do what's safe. Because it feels like the thing that won't screw me in the end. I want to do it right, but differently.

I try to take other peoples experiences into account. I feel like I can take my time as long as there's time put into me. And as of right now there is.

As of right now, someone's paying me attention. Making me a priority, and making me feel like I'm important. Someone is worried about what goes on inside of my head. I get reassurance and thought of. And I didn't have to break my neck first. I didn't have to do acrobats and bring the table along with everything on it to be noticed. I just have to be me.

On some days though, being me still doesn't feel like enough. Some days, I still feel like I may never find the one that would "risk it all" for me. To intertwine our lives. And I can't blame anyone. If anything, it just makes me blame myself more.

I think I just wish I could wipe out my entire past. It doesn't exist anymore anyway, so I just wish I had no recollection of it. Almost like I don't fully believe that yesterday, or the days before it, ever existed. Technically it doesn't. But I'm the proof that it did. You're the proof that it did. My thoughts, hurt, anxiety, overthinking, etc. is more than enough proof.

So the question is, how do I set fire to the rain? How do I make it that my past doesn't exist and all that there is, and will ever be, is my future?

[deafearsdiary]

There’s no way I’m saying it first when it happens the next time . I REFUSE🫣🙂‍↔️

[deafearsdiary]

I promise I’ll be a good girl for you, daddy.💋🫦

[deafearsdiary]

I keep on messing up.

I keep on digging a deeper grave🪦🥀

[deafearsdiary]

All of my hurt comes from the consequences of my actions .

Has me wondering if I’m praying for the right things.