deafearsdiary

[deafearsdiary]

The Idea of You

The idea of you calling me over and over if I’m upset with you to work it out rather than letting me stay mad and get over it alone:🥰

The idea of being the first person you call when you get any news, good or bad:🥰

The idea of you choosing me everyday and making me feel loved and wanted enough to wholeheartedly accept it and reciprocate it:🥰

The idea of you&me:🥰

[deafearsdiary]

Have you ever met somebody and knew that you wanted to be in love with them??

[deafearsdiary]

I don’t miss you anymore, finally.

I don’t want to be with you anymore, thank God !

But that doesn’t make the thought of you hurt any less. It doesn’t make the pain subside.

I really wish it did though.

[deafearsdiary]

I think I’m just gonna chill . I’m gonna learn to be okay on my own. I’m going to stop trying to jump into something and reading into everything.

I’m not healed.

The thought of you , seeing your face, hearing your voice or the product of your existence still makes my heart bleed.

I need to heal.

I don’t want to have to be on my own, but I shouldn’t feel like I can’t without you. I need to move on like you have.

I’m not healed.

I need to heal from you.

[deafearsdiary]

I just want to be able to see you or hear ur voice and not feel like my heart is bleeding

[deafearsdiary]

I just want someone to hear what’s in my heart and see inside my mind, and not shy away.

[deafearsdiary]

Basically, anything I’m feeling… I have to stop feeling it.

[deafearsdiary]

Oh nothing, just dealing with a broken heart. That’s all, nothing major.

[deafearsdiary]

Feelings/Thoughts

I woke up today feeling my heart entirely. My day started with me deciding. I decided I was going to put my time and dedication into what gives me something back. I don't want to continue to hoping, and waiting whether I want to admit it or not, for something that hasn't proven to be something that's prioritized me even a little bit.

Nothing seems black and white, and I want it to be. I want to be able to know the things I go for is concrete, and good for me. I want to know that the decisions I make won't backfire and feel like mistakes down the road. I want to feel like changing my mind doesn't feel like a cop out. I'M NOT GIVING UP! I'm trying to make better decisions, but also want what I want. I want to want what I want. I don't want to just do what's safe. Because it feels like the thing that won't screw me in the end. I want to do it right, but differently.

I try to take other peoples experiences into account. I feel like I can take my time as long as there's time put into me. And as of right now there is.

As of right now, someone's paying me attention. Making me a priority, and making me feel like I'm important. Someone is worried about what goes on inside of my head. I get reassurance and thought of. And I didn't have to break my neck first. I didn't have to do acrobats and bring the table along with everything on it to be noticed. I just have to be me.

On some days though, being me still doesn't feel like enough. Some days, I still feel like I may never find the one that would "risk it all" for me. To intertwine our lives. And I can't blame anyone. If anything, it just makes me blame myself more.

I think I just wish I could wipe out my entire past. It doesn't exist anymore anyway, so I just wish I had no recollection of it. Almost like I don't fully believe that yesterday, or the days before it, ever existed. Technically it doesn't. But I'm the proof that it did. You're the proof that it did. My thoughts, hurt, anxiety, overthinking, etc. is more than enough proof.

So the question is, how do I set fire to the rain? How do I make it that my past doesn't exist and all that there is, and will ever be, is my future?

[deafearsdiary]

There’s no way I’m saying it first when it happens the next time . I REFUSE🫣🙂‍↔️

[deafearsdiary]

I promise I’ll be a good girl for you, daddy.💋🫦

[deafearsdiary]

I keep on messing up.

I keep on digging a deeper grave🪦🥀

[deafearsdiary]

All of my hurt comes from the consequences of my actions .

Has me wondering if I’m praying for the right things.

[deafearsdiary]

How am I supposed to not want to turn back time and wish that I had kissed you first ??

[deafearsdiary]

I told you, I romanticize ✨everything✨

🥀💋

[deafearsdiary]

Our love can heal each other if we let it❤️‍🩹

[deafearsdiary]

🌹

Eventually you’ll realize it was all in your favor.