#and it's okay that some people who make art you like or amazing gifsets feel differently about the thing you both love

[thelaurenshippen]

genuinely think it's good and healthy to follow at least one person in each of your fandoms who reblogs good gifsets but has just...absolutely dogshit takes on the show, or who ships that ship you despise. keeps things fresh. keeps things grounded. you gotta stay humble

[mrs-gauche]

So, I *think* I've calmed down enough to form coherent sentences about this trailer now, after watching this about a gazillion times. 😂 There is just SO much in this and I still can't believe it's all real.. I feel like people have already dissected every single frame anyway, so here are just my poor two cents (that's a lie, it's an essay lol), I'm sure 90% of this has probably already been said lol, but I just had to write my thoughts down, so there you go. 🫠

But first, can I just ask you guys this.. Does anyone else feel SO friggin overwhelmed every time something huge like this drops? 😂😭 Like, I LOVE the collective excitement and freaking out over all this with the fandom together in real time, and maybe it's because I'm not a native English speaker, but I'm watching the trailer live and within like fifteen minutes there are already a bazillion notifications, messages, people have already made hundreds of theory posts, edits, fanart and shitposts, meanwhile I'm sitting here still looking at the FIRST FRAME and trying to process what I'm even looking at. lmaoo Like, it takes me SO long to take it fully in, calm down and look at ALL of it in detail, while I go radio silent for like two hours, making people think I just died watching the trailer, I guess. lmaooo So.. sorry if it takes me forever until I even go on here and look at everything you guys are posting. 💀 <3

Anyway, so first of all, I'd like to just generally say... Everything about this blew. me. away.

Look. After like 20 years of watching BioWare's entire animation catalogue of the same 25 movements in every cutscene, that it would make you jump every time a character but even slightly moved differently than everyone else, we're now getting a game that is SO INCREDIBLY CINEMATIC, SO SMOOTH, unlike any BioWare game before. A game where everyone just moves and expresses emotions like their own person, making everything a hundred times more immersive and impactful!!

Not only that but there's a BioWare game now with PHENOMENAL LOOKING HAIR and REALISTIC HAIR PHYSICS. Guys, do you understand this is HISTORY??? lmao We've been asking for this for YEARS and it's happening!! 😭

And the cinematography? THE CINEMATOGRAPHY?? Just looking at that very FIRST LOCATION SHOT alone. The camerawork, the composition, the fluidity of movement, the shift of focus, the lighting, the use of MoCap, the facial expressions... As someone who spent a *LOT* of time using the flycam to make cinematic gifsets of DAI, where - with all respect to the devs - 90% of the camerawork basically consisted of "zoom in/zoom out"... this. blew. my. fucking mind.

Like, they did it. They mastered the Frostbite engine on all fronts. And it truly hurts my heart seeing people compare this to Fortnite or whatever, when in my opinion this time they actually managed to find a perfect mix between stylized and realism, in favor of making the characters even more expressive and this coupled with the use of MoCap and the incredible cinematography will make these emotional scenes hit SO hard and.. ugh, I just love it so much. 🥹❤️❤️

With this being said, let's dive into it!

Okay, so I know this is super random, but it was literally the first thing I noticed about this trailer. lol Did you noticed that it said "BioWare" *before* "Electronic Arts" in the beginning, unlike that first... controversial reveal trailer, where it was the other way around? 😂 Not reading anything into this of course (or do I? lol), but.. Idk, I thought it was.. interesting. 👀

So we start off with the first of many amazing tracking shots, with the camera orbiting around Rook in this place devoid of color or life. The note at the bottom made me chuckle "Game engine footage with some costum camera angles", I was like "Oh, so they used the flycam to make this?". lol So some shots of these will look different in the final version (what kind of spoilers are they hiding?? 👀👀).

I do hope that next shot DOES end up in the game though, because holy SHIT, that FIRST wide shot already blew. me. away.

Look at the COMPOSITION of this.

Actually, you could probably take every single location/wide shot of this trailer and hang it on your wall. lol But seriously, the way this place just looks... dead. It makes me think of "void" rather than Fade.. like an ancient graveyard. The raw Fade looks generally creepy, but this is haunting even for that. There's no life, no color, no motion. It's all broken and crumbled. Almost like it reflects Solas' feelings. People are speculating if this place might change depending on Solas' state of mind.. This is the Fade after all, but Solas is here physically and this being the place that was supposed to be the new prison for the gods.. It's probably different from the rest of it.

We also see all seven statues of the pantheon from the ritual site again. Solas "I have the high ground", *literally* talking down to Rook, while standing on two separate cliffs (how did Rook even get there, I wonder? lol), like there is quite literally a rift between them (for now..!) and Solas is keeping a distance, as always. We still don't know how that connection between the two even works, I assume Rook can only contact him while asleep? But to think that this is the place where he is trapped now, where he is even more isolated than ever before, is making me so emotional. ;-;

I love how it's just black and white though. It gives the scene a destinct atmosphere that might be important, if this is where we get to see Solas doing a lot of introspection. In the art of filmmaking, the absence of color is often used to force the audience to focus on the contrast, textures, and tones present in the image, which can evoke a deep sense of emotion.

And speaking of emotions...

"You have no idea what you have done."

We had already heard that line before, but something about that booming, echoing effect they used on his voice sent a shiver down my spine!

"The blighted elven gods walk free. And all because you disrupted my ritual."

To me, he *sounds* much more frustrated here than he *looks* when saying that. lol He looks incredibly worried though, and just so tired. A moment ago, he was SO close to achieving his goal after hundreds of years of preparation and then he failed again... and now there is this completely clueless stranger who got him in this situation, but who he has to rely on now to stop these gods, when he's unable to trust anyone, and yet he can't even yell at them too much, because he *needs* them. He must be so exhausted.

And yes, it is kinda funny how they put "elven gods" in quotation marks. lol

Thank god he still has his freckles though. ❤️ We're actually seeing a lot more texture on his face here than in the gameplay showcase. And yes, not only did he get his eyebrows microbladed but apparently he's also sporting eyeliner and lipstick now. 😌✨✨ The only downside to the lack of colors here is that his super purple eyes are not poppin' anymore. lol

"You battle against gods. They will not rest until you are on your knees. Fearful. Cowering. Helpless in the face of such power."

I love how they play this line so early on in the trailer, that it makes you go "WAIT... IS THAT- NO WAY" and not until the end do we get the confirmation with the most amazing entrance ever.

We then get a shot of what I think has to be Treviso in flames and Ghilan'nain symbolically coiling her tentacles around a crow statue's head, as she's probably about to take over the city. 👀 *falls on my knees the second I meet her in the game* lol

Then there's the shot of this horrifying Blight.. lump.. growth thing that has completely devoured an elf (and several other bodies it seems) with a hair style that has everyone wondering if this could be Felassan! 🥺🥺🥺 As much as I would LOVE for Felassan to make an appearance.. I kinda hope this *isn't* him.. because good god, whatever happened to this persom here must be pretty traumatizing (are they even still alive?) and also, how do we get them out of there? lol Either way, seeing as there are Harding, Bellara and Neve accompanying Rook here, this might be earlier in the game (and this is them dicovering that the Blight is already spreading rapidly?) and yet it already shows us that this Blight is on a whole other level than anything we've seen before, and it's taking every living thing.

Then we see another snowy place (or might this be within the same area?) that's also in huge parts taken over by the Blight. You can also see a dead(?) dragon lying on the ground at the bottom right corner? 🥺

Then Elgar'nan literally pops up right next to Ghilan'nain, and btw, I love how I can't even tell where her body begins or where it ends in this shot. lmao What ARE you, Ghili?? 💀

It looks to me like maybe she was struck by a bolt/spear from a ballista or something? The Grey Wardens tried to take her out maybe? Looks like the power of Elgar'nan's mere presence blows the Wardens away then lol, like they're just insects to him.. and in the blast we can see a person that looks like Evka?? <3333 (please don't die here though 😭)

Then we're getting a first glimpse of a dragon that shows up multiple times in this trailer. Also, to me, it looks so much like the dragon from the Golden City vinyl cover, which has me like 👀👀👀👀

Next there are a few scenes from the prologue we've already seen in the gameplay showcase, but it's coupled with new lines from Varric, that have me super worried. :(

"Rook, you've got this. I've seen your work. You're clever, adaptable. And you don't know when to quit.

My first reaction to this was "Oh god no, that sounds so much like a "passing the torch" kind of dialogue to me" as in Varric either dies (PLEASE NO but it IS super suspicious how he's not seen or mentioned in any other scene so far) or retires his role as the leader of this group and hands it over to Rook. And he just sounds... weary. 🥺 I wonder what he means by "your work" though? Is he talking about things Rook has done before Varric recruited them? Or is it maybe later down the line, after Rook has already proven themselves to be a great leader? 🤔

Then we get another shot of that one dragon and our first look at Harding with the bruised face (whoever did this, come fight me!) and some poor person tangled in.. something, I'm not sure. lol

Then there's a super quick shot of the floating building in Minrathous, followed by Rook opening a gate Aragorn style, which leads me to believe that this is actually somethere IN that floating building maybe?

But the fact that Rook and everyone else seems to be wearing casual clothes in the following shots, plus the architecture in the background has me wondering if they might be at the Lighthouse actually? 👀

Especially because in the very next shot we see Rook, Bellara, Neve and Harding all in casual clothes again in front of a giant eluvian and I wonder if that's the mirror that we've read about in the Game Informer article. The special eluvian at the Lighthouse that can take you anywhere? :o

Speaking of the Game Informer article, it also told us that Rook, Harding and Neve went back to the ritual site after what happened in the beginning, which is probably what we're seeing here!

"You want allies to go after the elven gods. I've got places to look."

Well, good thing we have a clever detective on the team that apparently knows people who would willingly fight some gods. lol Notice how Harding's face is still injured in this scene. 👀 So I assume whatever happened to her must've happened at the ritual site? Btw, I love how the trailer makes it look like they're all in casual clothes and the second they're stepping through the eluvian, they're in full gear? 😂 (I'm sure those two scenes take place at different times though.) It's crazy how much different the Arlathan Forest looks now, without the cataclysmic storm and all. I love the lighting, the colors and the soft rain! :3

Then we get another gorgeous location shot to hang on the wall. <3 My guess here is definitely Anderfels, given the landscape and those "pillar ring" things we've seen before (I still have no idea what those are, the funniest guess is still griffon training flight path 😂 But something tells me those things will be important.).

"I'll be damned! A griffon!"

Davrin and Assan!! <33333 And the dialogue makes it sound like this might be the first time they meet each other?? 🥹🥹 Followed by a scene of Davrin taking care of business and what might be the return of children in DA?? 😭 Seeing that little girl made me so happy, because that was actually one of the few things on my wishlist for DA4, because I always felt like children make the world feel SO much more real and immersive and besides Kieran, children were completely absent in DAI.

Am I trippin or does it look like this child is smiling here, while running away from a horde of darkspawn?? 😶 Kids in the Anderfels are build different, I guess. lol

"In war, victory."

CHILLS!!

Then we see Assan again, who is pinning down a.. thing I can't identify. lol I'm very curious about all those cages in the background though.. 🤔

We then get one of the shots that made me freak out the most, because it's a flippin *underwater* shot of elven ruins??? 😱😱

We know it's elven because if you look very very closely, you can see a Halla statue in the distance, to the left side. I'm immediately reminded of the stories about Arlathan having sunken to the ocean floor! There's also still all that mention of Ghilan'nain's grey "goop" that smells like the ocean and another shot later on of a dragon (Elgar'nan?) emerging from the ocean! 👀👀👀

And aside from all that, it's just such a sick level design!! 😍 What do these ruins look like if you enter them in the game? How do we get there?? There's an eluvian in the middle of the ocean on the newest map that's included in the Collector's Edition! 👀👀 If that one flippin theory of mine actually turns out to be true and there are somehow two parts of Arlathan, one on the ocean floor and another in the center of the Fade/the Black City, I'll do a triple backflip. lmaoo

Then Lucanis jumps in with some incredibly smooth fighting moves against the Venatori... and PURPLE WINGS!! So we were right with our speculation about the reveal trailer! Why does he have them? Is it some connection to a pride demon that revived him? 😂 I don't know, but it looks SO cool!! And after showing off, we hear his first line "I'm ready" with that sweet sweet accent, which is just the cherry on top!! <333

What the heck is up with the sky in this one?? My first thought was the Lighthouse?? 😍��� Because if you look closely, there are a few wolf head ornaments on the walls? 👀 And this could be in the Crossroads and just like a real Lighthouse, there's a light on the top..? 🥹

Then there's Bellara using some magical device, that looks super similar to the things that were next to the big eluvian in that other scene!

Which makes me think that this might be where we help Bellara find this artifact in order to get the eluvian at the Lighthouse to work properly (since it doesn't seem to work right without Solas, according to the Game Informer article).

"I've never seen this before. There's something kind of exciting about it!"

Not gonna lie, that line and that weird looking device gave me Peebee flashbacks from Andromeda, which I honestly wasn't the biggest fan of. 😂 But Ghil Dirthalen (member of the community council) responded to me a few weeks back on twitter and confirmed that Bellara is nothing like Peebee at all. lol So that's a relief. 😂 I'm really looking forward to learn more about her and every time I see her magical gauntlet, I'm reminded that we're *definitely* not in Ferelden anymore. lol

Anyway, we then get a few shots of the Deep Roads?? Kal-Sharok??? 👀👀 And of course, there's Harding's big reveal of her new magical powers! The animation on this looks sooo amazing!!

Like many suspect, the Titans' awakening might have something to do with this! I totally agree with what Ghil Dirthalen said on twitter recently and, rather than this being Harding having Solas' petrification powers, it's actually Solas who has the powers of the Titans/stone sense/whatever Sandal did to those ogres back then lol. (I need Sandal to return and be her "teacher" or something 🙏❤️) We know of Solas' orb, which was likely created by obtaining the heart of a Titan. And if the Titans are connected to the Forgotten Ones, Fen'Harel was once considered their ally in Dalish legends. 👀

Also, if you look closely, you can see that the moment her powers are triggered, we see the blue glowy effect all over her body, like glowy lyrium veins almost?

And that in turn could hint at something in connection to her blood? So that big injury we see on her (which is still visible in this scene btw!) was maybe the moment her blood came in contact with something that awakened these powers? (We need Valta back to explain! lol)

"What is happening to me?"

That delivery gave me chills again... She is frightened. Ali Hillis is so good. 🥺🥺🥺

Next up is the Grand Necropolis and people have already pointed out that the ceiling we see at that entrance hall or something looks like a GIANT rip cage?? 💀 (What kind of creature would be THIS big???)

First look of Emmrich in-game!!! And he's wearing a fancy new outfit!! And I paused at the perfect moment to catch Rook already falling in love with him, clearly. lmao

There are two characters next to the gate that could be anybody, really. Myrna from Tevinter Nights or Joanna from the short story "The Flame Eternal"? The guy on the right is actually giving me Executor vibes?? 👀👀👀

Then there's Giant Skeleton Monster (Manfred's mom?), and don't even ask me what this could possibly be. 😂 I just hope we don't have to fight THAT (we totally will 💀). I got flashbacks of the Human Reaper endboss in ME2. 😭😭

"Let the Fade draw close!"

There's something kinda... posh about the way he says this? 😂 Like, he's not really intimidated by Giant Skeleton Monster and it's just another Tuesday in the Grand Necropolis and Professor Volkarin is just doing his every day job. lol

Then there are two shots of what I think is somewhere in the Anderfels but snowy again, like that area in the beginning where Elgar'nan and Ghili showed up? And a destroyed watchtower that is occupied by the Wardens. Then we get a *third* and final shot of this beauty again.

"Draw the dragon out into the open. Then attack."

I assume that's Taash?? Sadly, that shot of her drawing her weapon is all we got from her in this trailer, but she looks awesome!! <333 We're gonna be Lord of Fortune buddies, even though we might disagree on the matter of dragon hunting lol (look, I don't want to *fight* dragons, I want to be *friends* with them 🫠😂❤️ I want to see them live their best lifes.. for the most part (I get to the Elgar'nan dragon and the blighted "twin dragons" in a second lol))

We see the docks of Minrathous for a split second and then a first glimpse at a romance scene between Rook and Neve? 👀 At the Lighthouse maybe?

"You and me Rook. Maybe that's what scares me."

What does she mean by that exactly? Does Neve have commitment issues? lol Or is this more like a "We're a dangerous match, Rook. We'll be too powerful of a couple. Like Bonnie and Clyde." kinda statement? 😂

And THEN... Well, then we get probably THE most badass looking introduction/entrance of any character in DA yet. lol And YES, I freaked out SO hard.

SHE'S BACK. Returning like the QUEEN that she is. 🙏 And of course, she has to come down a flight of "stairs" again. lol (And no, Claudia Black did not lie, she just wasn't contacted at the time. 😁) Gosh, that transformation is so SMOOTH. I could watch that forever, it's so darn beautiful. 😍 Again, the way this is done, cinematically.. just *chef's kiss*.

In retrospect, it seems almost like a given that she would be back because.. well, everything about the way DAI ended. lol Flemeth wanted her to inherit her "godhood", and she looks more than ever like her mother now. Remember the designer notes on that last scene in DAI.

Flemeth intends to let Solas have the power, so long as she can pass the essence of her godhood onto Morrigan, a gift Flemeth had always planned for her daughter yet one Morrigan misunderstood as hostile possession.

So, what exactly is she now? Did she receive whatever Flemeth sent through the eluvian at the end of DAI? Does she carry Mythal now?? If so, does Solas know (I NEED a conversation between those two technically "half-siblings", because Flemeth/Mythal is both their "Mother"? 😂)?? Remember when I said that this one dragon that appears multiple times here reminds me a lot of the dragon on the vinyl cover with the Golden City, which is very likely Mythal? So my very first thought was that the dragon is actually Morrigan?? lol Just throwing that out there.

It seems to me that she is with the Dalish/Veil Jumpers in the Arlathan Forest now? (Btw, if you look closely, you can see elven mosaics in COLOR in the background? :O)

"These are the times in which legends are born or slain."

That line goes so HARD aHhhh. Also, speaking of slain, that new outfit is slaying too. <33 Her return also means that the Well decision and potential consequences are back on the table, which will definitely keep me up at night again. 💀

That moment right there. She is everthing. ❤️❤️❤️ I wonder if we're gonna see Kieran again?? 🥺🥺

We then get the most impressive tracking shot and choreography of what I think is Teia and Viago fighting some Venatori?? <333333 Like, seriously, the way the camera is following his movements in this shot without a single cut, makes me think of something like flippin Games of Thrones' Battle of the Bastards. 😱 And those hair physics on Teia as she's swinging around?? Absolutely amazing.

Followed by Lucanis and.. is that Zara Renata (the character with the best name ever lol)?? Fighting over an ominous glowing staff. lol We know these two still had unfinished business with each other after the Wigmaker Job in TN.

Then we get our first in-game look of my man MANFRED (🎉🎉🎉🎉), proving yet again to be the most fashionable character in the whole game, using his pelvis effectively. lol I love him so much.

Then there's another terrifying shot of Giant Skeleton Monster, which almost looks like it's in command over the crowd of people here, like they're possessed or something? Uhg.. As if this thing wasn't scary enough. 💀

"Our gods are back. Our gods! How do we stand up against that?"

Again, CHILLLLS!! Chills all over. It's gonna be so interesting to hear what the Dalish, Bellara or Davrin think about all these revelations!

Then we see the Wardens again, confronting one of the super duper blighted "twin dragons" we see at the end (more on that later).

We see Neve using a barrier or something against a guy who wears the same armor as her, so maybe the Shadow Dragons are corrupted, too?

Then we see Rook dramatically tossing a sword on a table at Weisshaupt? And holy moly, Davrin in that new armor here looks FINE. 😍

Back in Treviso, we see a cool finishing move from Rook, obliterating a poor Venatori guy. That bow on Rook's back though (I need it)! :O

"I believe in all of us. So let's get it done."

That little pep talk from Rook certainly worked for me. lol Like, whatever it is we're doing here, I'm so pumped, let's gooooo!

Then we get literally a millisecond of a frame, where you can see Ghili lying on the floor.. with the lyrium dagger stuck IN HER CHEST??

EXCUSE ME?? They wouldn't just spoil her death like that, right?? lmao Also, that adds another billion questions about this damn flippin dagger and at this point the list of questions is getting so long that I've completely given up speculating. 😂💀 We see how Rook tries to retrieve(?) the dagger but the power it emanates pushes them back?? What the heeellll.

And then I died. No, really. lmaoo

What can I say.

I cried. I screamed. My soul left my body. It happened. We FINALLY saw him. The Dreaded Wolf, He Who Hunts Alone, Roamer of the Beyond, God of Rebellion. The one everyone's been talking about since flippin 2009. And by GOD, he lives up to his NAME.

He's dreadful, he's horrifying. He's a monster, a nightmare. He's perfect. And just like Solas, he's just a Little Guy and bald. 😭😭😭

...At least in comparison to this dragon!! Look at that friggin SIZE DIFFERENCE. Someone measured the size by comparing them to Rook, who we see for a split second before Fenny leaps in. So, make no mistake, Fen'Harel IS the size of a high dragon, like he was described in Tevinter Nights... It's just that this blighted dragon is HUMONGOUS. lol That dragon, let's call him Elgar'nan, because we all KNOW, right?? Who else could it POSSIBLY be?? He's got the horns, he's the dragon on the vinyl cover with the Blighted Black City, he's ENORMOUS!! I've been saying this forever. Fen'Harel vs Elgar'nan, Battle of Gods was all I ever wished to see and FUCK, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WISH CAME TRUE. 😭😭😭

And look WHERE they are fighting!! It's Minrathous, you can clearly see the floating building in the background!! Which means the Dread Wolf is OUT. He's no longer trapped, or in the Fade. Remember Sandal's prophecy "When he rises, everyone will see". And he HAS RISEN. lmao And look at the lighting!! It's the same dim, gloomy RED we've seen at the end of the reveal trailer with the eclipse. "AN ECLIPSE AS FEN'HAREL STIRRED". IT'S HAPPENING. Remember the 2020 teaser MURAL.

Is this the Black City or is it the floating building?? Either way, it's BLIGHTED. In the trailer, Minrathous has clearly been completely taken over by the Blight. "All the world will soon share the peace and comfort of my reign", that's what Elgar'nan said at the end of the 2023 teaser, and what better way to take over the world than to start with the biggest capital in Thedas, a nation which built their own empire over the ruins of Elvhenan, ruled by the most powerful mages!

And I am SO scared. You can see Elgar'nan snapping Fenny. The dragon is blighted, and maybe so is Fen'Harel. He's also clearly been through so much. "The Wolf chews his leg off to escape the trap.", is what Cole said in Trespasser. I don't think he always looked like that. In the murals and the 2022 cinematic, he has a lot more fur. And I can't help but think about the devs saying that Solas wasn't always bald either. lmao How are they connected.. are they one and the same.. are they bound to each other.. we still don't know. But I'm SO. F*CKING EXCITED. TO FIND OUT.

Those few seconds of this scene were breathtaking and whoever made this trailer knew exactly what they were doing, because the editing is so perfect as Fen'Harel charges at Elgar'nan in slow-motion and the music cuts out completely while that beautiful wolf howl can be heard and you can almost HEAR everyone's jaw dropping on the floor. lmao THAT's. how. you. do it. *standing ovation* *sobbing*

Okay. Breathe. Moving on. We gotta get to the end. lol

The very next shot is SO funny to me, because we literally just got to see Elgar'nan, the biggest flippin dragon we've ever seen in DA and it's followed by a shot in which Elgar'nan looks SO tiny next to Ghilan'nain. lmaooo

His ego doesn't allow to appear small though, I guess, so he f*cking levitates to top her in height. lmao These two ancient clowns are already killing me.

What's interesting though is that this is the exact same angle from which we left off in the gameplay showcase. And Solas is nowhere to be seen, so... did he literally just "poof" away right there into that Fade prison?? lmao

We get a quick montage of all the lovely monsters we will face. Like I mentioned, there's the Elgar'nan dragon taking a swim in the ocean, I guess? (I hope he drowns. lol) And a shot of what I think is Irelin (from TN and The Missing) doing.. something with some magical device. Someone fighting a magical "automaton" in the Arlathan Forest. lol Harding doing her THING again, acting like Toph from Avatar, literally bending the flippin earth, like a true Child of the Stone!!

And right before the end, there's one of my personal favorite shots, Rook basically bitch slapping a Pride demon into full K.O.?? lmao

The trailer ends with a final beautiful shot of Pokemon Ruby & Sapphire. lol No, seriously. A SUPER blighted pair of angry dragons, seemingly at the same snowy place that Elgar'nan and Ghilan'nain popped up earlier in the trailer. 👀👀👀

So, they might have something to do with this? There was a dead dragon lying on the ground in an earlier shot, so maybe the elven gods revived them? If I see Blue and Red, I'm of course immediately reminded of lyrium.. whatever that means. Or, given that they seem to be attacking Grey Wardens in this place... maybe we are looking at an altered form of Archdemons?? Or something similar to Corypheus' dragon? 👀 There is an interesting theory floating around that Ghilan'nain might look like *that* because she somehow merged with her lover Andruil. As I mentioned in the beginning, Ghilan'nain seemed to have been struck by a spear or something.. and in this shot, you can see that the red dragon is pulling a spear out of its body! Sooo... maybe that actually IS her?? And she somehow transformed into two different blighted dragons, representing herself and Andruil??? The tinfoil hat is strong with this one. lol

ANYWAY. The release date is revealed to be 31st of October, making this the best Halloween of all time!! Not only is it perfect because of its origin, Samhain, the thinning of the Veil between the living and spirits.. But also because we all get a chance to dress up as Manfred, walk into the store, buy the game and then go Trick or Treat (but mostly trick) in the name of Fen'Harel, the Trickster God. 😂😂💜💜💜

And that's it!! Now we only have to wait two months before we can all lose our collective shi— NO WAIT, OF COURSE WE'RE NOT DONE YET.

WHAT THE HELL

IS THIS

EXCUSE ME, how do you throw this in there in the background at the very last second, HELLO??? A rocky object, split in half. HUH, WHERE HAVE WE SEEN THAT BEFORE.

Oh, you sneaky sneaky people. The mural depicting a Titan's death.... Remember the description of this place in DAI's files.

"A final eluvian is situated in a beautiful bolt-hole where Solas has painted murals. Fen'Harel was here and wanted to make sure nobody ever found what the other gods were doing. This place was the breaking point for him that turned him against the gods."

Whatever this is... I think it might be the very reason why all of this is even happening. The Evanuris mined the Titans' blood and "something else" before they collapsed and sealed the Deep Roads with stone and magic.

"Terror, heart-pounding, ice-cold, as the last of the spells is cast."

"What the Evanuris in their greed could unleash would end us all. Let this place be forgotten. Let no one wake its anger. The People must rise before their false gods destroy them all."

I'll leave it at that. I'm so so so flippin excited. I want to thank all the devs involved, I'm so full of joy and can't wait to finally return back to Thedas in October. 🥹🥹🥹 (And if anyone wants to get me that "Rook's coffer" collectibles thing for my birthday two days after release, my address is— naah just kidding!! ..or AM I?? 👀😂😂)!! 💜💜💜💜💜

[cherrywade]

I am... gonna rant. Cuz I've been feeling... some type of way.

That way is very very very pissed off, by the way, just to set the mood for what's under that readmore. 😤😤😤

Okay so.... ive been posting more writing on my writing blog. And its been nice. People have been nice.

But here's the thing. And yes this is about the like/reblog ratio again. Because its been upsetting me. And yes im also on my period so im even more emotionally wacky but i have to get this out.

I made a small, teeny tiny vent post, that was incredibly sarcastic and bitchy and very clearly just me venting my own shit. I even explained in the tags that i was feeling really disheartened by it all and just needed to let out my feelings. And then i got this response:

And i GET it. People like things for reasons and blah blah blah BUT . I didnt know this person, nor did they know me. And they talked to me like i didnt fucking know how this goddamn website works, like i don't goddamn live here. It is not the same as any of that. "Its not that deep" I dont KNOW you!!! And you dont know ME! maybe it is! Maybe it IS that deep to me. I was obviously feeling upset enough to make a ranty post???

And they talked about not wanting things on their blog but they reblogged my personal bitchy post with a comment.... like... that could have been a reply!!! Or even better.... dont say fucking anything. It wasnt even a fandom blog. I dont know how they found the post, i didnt even tag it. I assume they follow someone who reblogged it, but i dont think it had that many reblogs. NOT THE POINT!

The point is, mainly, that... its nice getting attention for writing. Or any art you put out onto this little website, but like... my writing blog, which I've had for YEARS just NOW hit 10,000 likes like a couple days ago. And im not trying to sound ungrateful. Because likes are nice. They really are. I like posts all the time.

But the fact that i wrote a 12,000 word fic the other day, posted it, and it has 15 fucking notes, total. 2 of which are mine, because i reblogged it on my main blog. 5 total reblogs. And only one of those has tags. I understand that not everyone uses tags, thats chill.

BUT!!!! The fic was even NSFW and i dont write that super often, but its what i see most, its a popular genre, and the fic STILL only has 15 notes.

And it just... feels like I'm doing something wrong? Like, no matter what kind of fic i post, if it not just a tiny text post it feels like no one interacts or cares at all. And it just... fucking ... it's disheartening and exhausting and it fucking hurts.

Like why do i even fucking write anything? Or post anything? If no one gives a shit? Like, people dont get it, i know artists and gif makers, and literally anyone putting out content gets it. Because we put in hard fucking work and then get nothing back???

Like i have this amazing fic idea about plus size reader x eddie munson and i KNOW its gonna be fucking cute. Its eating away at my brain its so cute. But like.... .... i don't even want to write it now. Because no one will care. No one will interact with it.

It just sucks. I wanna write stuff and share stuff and know that people like it too. But like, if people only interact with posts that are like a paragraph long why the fuck should i even keep writing and posting stuff?

And i know im not the only one who feels this way. And it sucks. But to be complaining about it in my own space and have someone fucking come onto my post and tell me "it's not that deep".... like honestly, fuck you.

ESPECIALLY since i didn't know them??? And they didn't know me. And then came and talked down to me like I'm an idiot who doesn't know how this website works.

This is a sharing website. Its based on shares and sharing and thats how things get more views, and get more people into things, and the sharing and nice comments from others is what sparks more creativity and sparks more art and writing and gifsets and content.

And i don't know where im going with this, i don't really have an aim here i just needed to fucking rant. Because i got pissed off about it again and needed to let it out. But its goddamn exhausting when i put my heart and feelings and shit into my writing and then just... no one cares or interact or whatever and just uugghhh

IT'S VERY FRUSTRATING AND ITS MAKING ME FEEL GROSS AND UPSET AND I JUST WANNA ENJOY WRITING!!!!

[theirprofoundbond]

Negative Self-Talk in Fandom

I’ve never liked self-deprecating humor because trying to figure out how to respond to someone using it makes me feel really awkward and uncomfortable. I also think that it’s a gateway toward normalizing negative self-talk.

In fandom, we know the terms “trash” and “clown,” and admittedly those are funny and overall they’re pretty harmless. (And they’re also interesting and fun examples of vernacular!) But I frequently see people openly disparaging themselves and their creations in their bios and posts and tags, and that never fails to disturb me.

I’d like to ask people in fandom--especially creators--to evaluate how they talk about themselves, and reconsider casually putting themselves down.

Here’s why:

Imagine you’re brand new to the fandom--maybe even new to fandom itself!--and you dive in, wide-eyed and enchanted. You’re seeing all this amazing content from people whose work you admire, and you’re inspired. You start to think that maybe you might want to write some fic yourself, or make some art, or learn how to do gifsets or fanvids. But some of your faves think their work is shitty. You think it’s awesome, and so do other people! But the talented person who made it thinks it’s shitty. So how on earth could your attempts ever be any good or worth sharing?

Speaking as someone who has depression, I am hesitant to follow or interact with people who use negative self-talk, because I work hard to safeguard my mental health. I want to see people’s creations and support creators, but if I’m also seeing negative self-talk pop up on my dash every time I visit Tumblr, or there it is in a bio every time I visit a person’s page, I’m going to take a step away from the person putting that out into the world even if I really like what they create. Also, I find it interesting that tagging for triggers is a commonly-accepted practice, but somehow negative self-talk doesn’t get scrutinized.

I mention this in another post I made about fandom but I’ll say it again here: the way we talk informs the way we think. Don’t let your head become a toxic waste dump! You also wouldn’t tolerate someone putting your friend down, so be your own friend and don’t allow it. Even if you think you’re only being self-deprecating, even if you only mean it casually. Also worth mentioning: disparaging yourself publicly opens you up to receiving reassurances from friends/anons, which can lead to reliance on external validation. Avoid going down that road.

There’s no rule that says that if you want to talk about your work or put it out into the world, you’ve got to put it down first. It doesn’t make you egotistical or self-absorbed to simply put your stuff out there without insulting yourself. It’s okay and understandable if you lack confidence; that’s pretty normal. But it’s also okay--and wonderful--to like and be proud of yourself and your own work!

So, people in fandom, let’s perpetuate warmth and positivity, rather than insecurity and negativity. I encourage you to re-examine your bios, your posts, and your tags. I encourage you to love yourselves--and what you make--a little more ❤️️

(The follow-up post.)

[wolfstar-in-color]

What Are Image Descriptions and Why Are They Necessary?

Hello, colorful cuties! In the ongoing spirit of Disability Pride Month, we want to take some time this week to talk about image descriptions! Maybe you’ve noticed, we add these to every image we share, and we’d love to see a bit more attention to these in the wider, wonderful world of the wolfstar fandom. 

So, first things first: what is an image description?

For the most part, it’s exactly what it sounds like: a textual description that details, in words, what is depicted in an image, graphic, or gifset.  

Why are they necessary?

Two reasons. First, to make your visual content accessible to blind and low-vision folks, or folks who - for a variety of reasons - cannot look at the image (some examples would be people experiencing severe headaches or migraines exasperated by images or bright colors, people with severe color-sensitive epilepsy, autistic people with low tolerance for imagery, etc.). Many blind, low-vision, or otherwise visually sensitive people use text readers or Braille converters, which read aloud or convert to Braille the words on the screen - but most of them don’t know what to do with images, and thus skip them all together (the technology required to automatically describe images is coming! Exciting!) Second, to make your visual accessible to people without access to technology robust enough to support the image, for example, rural folks without access to broadband internet strong enough to load digital images. 

Sure, but that can’t be that many people, right?

It’s more than you might think. 253 million people worldwide are blind or low-vision [source]. That’s more than 3% of everyone (and yes, I had to google that equation). In addition, 6% of the population of the United States does not have access to consistent broadband internet [source]. In Australia, that number is more than double [source]. Basically, what we’re saying is, that’s a lot of people who can’t engage with your wonderful visual work.

What kind of things need an image description?

Visual art (such as the amazing fanart so prolific in our fandom) is an obvious example, but gifsets, tiktoks, and videos of any kind also need image descriptions, as well as banners and headers.

Image descriptions are awkward, and I don’t know how to write them.

That’s okay, you’re not alone! If you’ve never written or encountered an image description, it can seem daunting and uncomfortable. We invite you to try it anyway! Throughout the rest of this week, we’ll be highlighting some useful resources and tip sheets on how to do this better. 

I want to start writing Image Descriptions for some of the older art I love, but I’m worried I’ll describe something in a way that is offensive or incorrect.

We also worry about that, we’re still in the learning process too. We’ve learned that it’s important to include such things as skin color and race, body shapes, landscapes, etc., even when it feels awkward. Luckily, people much more qualified than us have some thoughts on doing this better. Stay tuned for our Resources Wednesday!

I’ve made some new visual content that I really want to share, but I’m not great with words - what can I do to make sure my work is still accessible?

You know your work best, and as such, you’re the best person to describe it. But if you just can’t find the words - or the task is prohibitively overwhelming to you, or maybe comes up against your own disabilities or limitations - that’s okay! We’d recommend asking a friend (maybe a fandom friend!) to help you out, or if you can afford it, paying a service or person to do it for you. Similarly, if you are someone who is good with words and descriptions, maybe offer to do them for your fandom friends!

Can I put it off and add it later?

Ask yourself this: would you upload an image/gifset/video that was incomplete? Well, maybe some of you would. But for the most part, you probably have a process. Maybe you outline a drawing, add shading, add color, and then upload (can you tell I’m not an artist?). Maybe you edit your gifs or videos a certain way. A piece of visual art without an image description is incomplete - it cannot be “seen” by a significant chunk of the population, and both you and we want your work to be seen! So we’d recommend just tacking adding an image description onto the end of your process. 

Okay, you’ve convinced me that image descriptions are necessary. What’s a good way to get started?

Stay tuned the remainder of this week for guides, tips, and an account from one of your mods about their own experience of becoming more comfortable with image descriptions. Or, just jump right on in! We hope to see more of these in our glorious fandom soon. 

[emawinslow]

we all knew this was coming and I’m a sentimental bitch. I just wanted to write all my mutuals some little messages about how much I love you. you guys have changed my life and I am so grateful for each and every one of you!!!💕💞💓💗💖💘 anygays have fun searching for yourself in this mess and I’m sorry for any typos, I’m illiterate (and if i forgot you it’s because i lost my brain in 1912)

@cr1spyy fernanda, my first ever mutual. who would have thought that your 5th wave posts would have brought one of the most amazing people in my life to me. your posts always make me laugh and your dedication to the good morning asks is admirable (fr I could never have that much consistency) you’re so kind to everybody and you’re absolutely beautiful and incredible and I fucking love you so much. I honestly don’t even want to think about what my life would be like if I had never met you, MWAH💕🤍

@sundaymorninghangover I remember you being my first ever note!! you liked this post I made that was a reblog of a “uquiz” that was actually a rickroll lmao. you didn’t even follow me back then but whatever. Then I remember waking up one day to see that you had tagged me in a bingo ask game and I was like “ummm tf is an ask game” but I do still have a bingo card for it that I never used ekenksjs. anygays, you have good opinions on everything and you’re absolutely fucking hilarious. If you told me back in may that I would be friends with you I wouldn’t believe it bc you intimidated me but regardless I’m glad to be an arson gang member with you. your memes are god tier and so is your music taste. I love you whore!!!!!🖤💜

@sound-and-colors ma’am you’re so nice and for what??? the aesthetic stuff that you reblog is *chef’s kiss* and nobody else is out there doing it like you. we’ve never talked but I just know that you are absolutely incredible mwah❤️💛

@embeddedinmybrain tasfia you are the nicest person on his hellsite and you know it (I hope). It was so much fun being your secret admirer anon while it lasted, like fr I loved it. Your art is beautiful just like your heart and i honestly don’t know what I did to deserve such a kind soul like you in my life. You’re always there to hype me up and ily (also just cut your own hair already I believe in you)🤍💙

@gumptin you hooked me with your suus icon and reeled me in by being the coolest and funniest person ever. your posts are consistently hilarious, accurate, or relatable and I admire that. I mean it when I say you’re one of the coolest people on here. idk what I did to have you think I’m cool but I’m honored nonetheless. also you have really awesome style and hair jdnjdjdjd mwah💚💛

@nori-in-pink first and foremost, your blog always has a very nice aesthetic and I feel like I need to acknowledge that. anyway, you are so kind and supportive and you don’t take any bullshit and that is absolutely amazing. you are absolutely iconic and always reblog the best stuff so I know I can count on your blog to be fantastic. you used to scare me (idk why don’t ask) but now I know that you’re just a big teddy bear ily💗💜

@matteohnora my slurpee queen and my mememate!! you always send me the funniest shit and it doesn’t go unappreciated. You’re always there for me with a silly meme or emotional support and I don’t think I’ve ever told you how grateful I am for that. whenever you stalk my blog it makes my heart go whooosh and I feel so special. Ily and I am so glad to have met you💜❤️

@lieverobbe ah yes, the girl with the impeccable music taste. that’s what I know you as, oh well. you are more talented and kind than you could ever believe and your edits are amazing!!! whenever I see you on my dash I get all happy bc I’m like “em’s here!!!” I love all your lil posts and I am so glad that you are my mutual ilyyyyy💙🤍

@ironymane you’ve watched limitless which automatically makes you amazing. you’re an absolutely incredible and amazing person and even tho you aren’t on here as much anymore, I still love youre lil posts. And one time you kept me entertained on a 6hr car ride so you deserve some kind of award for that. ly🧡💛

@kingarthurpendragons okay the obvious thing to talk about here is your incredible talent when it comes to gif making. Like how in the hell- but you are also so kind and loving and it doesn’t go unnoticed. You don’t have to send nice asks but you do and ily for it mwah!!❤️💗

@engelkeijsers the skam nl stan that we all deserve to have in our lives. you are so fucking hilarious and relatable and all around amazing and for what? your posts always put a smile on my face and it is so much fun to clown with you. ilyyyy💚💛

@happiness-isin-you let’s ignore the fact that it took me forever to realize that this was your main lmao. your art is some of the most beautiful shit I’ve ever seen. like your style is so cool????  I could literally go on about this for hours don’t test me. the cute animal pictures are the absolute best and you’re always there for emotional support. Ilyyyyyyy💛❤️

@isakyaqi fiz you are so kind and talented and cool and I really do mean all that. You reblog always the best of content so I know I can trust it. you always put nice tags in the things you reblog things and it’s fun to read what you write because it’s almost always you hyping up the creator or the thing itself. you are awesome jdjdjdndjjd mwah🖤🤎

@cash-queens sam oh sam. Idek where to start with how much ily. You’re my famous mutual which is very iconic of you and you put up with my cat pictures and my silly antics and my riverdale posts. You’re so kind to me and everybody and whenever I make a post when I’m having a mental breakdown you’re always there to make sure that I’m doing okay. That def doesn’t go unappreciated. You’re legitimately one of the kindest and most amazing people I’ve ever known and I love you so much, more than you could ever know💛🤍

@welcometo-saturn çağrı you’re so cool. end of statement. that’s all I have to say about it. your gifs are so beautiful and you don’t take shit from anybody. you’re so down to earth that it makes it seem like you’re somebody who I’ve just always known (even tho we’ve never talked sjdjdjdjdj) so yeah anyway, you’re are a really awesome person with really good opinions and I am so glad that we are mutuals🧡❤️

@amifeelingokay it’s difficult not to start with your url bc it’s amazing and I love it. your skam posts are always so nice and cute and positive (just like you!!) and I love them. the content you reblog is always aesthetic or a nice text post and I just love your blog okay. ily💜🖤

@isthatelpome you’re so nice that I’m willing to overlook your opinion on salt and vinegar chips (they’re not good I’ll fight you on that) your dani icon is beautiful just as you are, mwahhhh🧡❤️

@earthling-isa babe you are so cute with your lil edits and your clowning. the near constant black and white aesthetic is very iconic and i love it. you’re a suus stan so I have no choice but to love you for it. i absolutely adore your gifs, especially the ones with the lil squares in the middle fygzbgut. you are absolutely beautiful and incredible and kind and I love you MWAHHHH🖤💙

@grey-mist-exist okay we’ve never talked but you seem like such a rad person. not cool but like rad (there are are subtle differences) your art is beautiful even tho idk the quotes (go off smarty pants) and overall you are just really rad, idk how else to say it mwah!!!🤍🖤<pretend it’s a grey heart

@fatoudixon hey look it’s one of the most talented people here!!! You’ve always been so kind and supportive of me and I really really do appreciate it. you have good opinions on everything and did I mention that you’re talented?? cause you are, very. Your reaction videos are amazing and not to mention iconic, just like your hair. anyway, ily and I am so glad that I have somebody as amazing as you as my mutual💙���

@sander-klaas you are so kind and and you have so much passion. I can always trust you reblog only the best of wtfock and sobbe content which I am very grateful for. you literally just started making gifs and they are so beautiful (okay it was like months ago but whatever dkdjdjjdjdj) anyway, thank you so much for being my mutual mwah❤️💛

@jusdekiwi okay we’ve never talked but you genuinely seem like such a sweet person??? I love the stuff you reblog, it’s always the best gif sets. idk I can just tell you have good taste. I hope to get to know you better in the future, but for now I am very grateful to have you💚💙

@kritiquer my twin!!! you and I have a lot in common so ofc I love you. I’m joking obviously.... anygays you are always so supportive of everybody and you are so sweet. I love all of your personal posts, it always makes me really happy to see what you’re up to and how you’re feeling. I also like the aesthetic stuff you reblog, I have bad taste in all that, clearly you don’t. I am so glad that we started talking and I hope that we continue! ily kit!!!!💜🤍

@bleachblondebitches you aren’t on here that much, but whenever you are I get so happy! Your gifs are beautiful and I think about your sobbe and booksmart parallels gifset every day. you have amazing taste in movies and I love you!💜💙

@lesbeanfatou clara!!! bitch!!!! You already know how much I love you but I guess I’ll reiterate. I honestly don’t know what I did before I knew you. I always remember looking at the no idea blog with the Nora icons like “who is this?” Little did I know back then that you would be one of my closest friends. your support of me means the world and I am so grateful for you. I’m so glad that I have somebody in my life like you to talk to and be friends with. you are one of the funniest people in and I just love you so much I could burst mwah❤️🧡

@gucciboner okay hiii ypu are literally so fucking kind and funny, i admire your sense of humor sm. your art is so beautiful and you are so goddamn talented, it never ceases to amaze me. I also love all the little funny posts you make and reblog!! ily💙💗

@helmtaryn even though you put supernatural on my dash, I am willing to forgive you bc I love you so much. your gifs are so beautiful like ma’am didn’t you just start?? icon shit. your hate for photoshop is iconic and you are awesome. you’re always sending me asks and responding to my posts and you’re so nice and it makes my heart go whooosh. anygays you’re cool and ily💙🧡

@starmansander nina when I tell you that you give off the best vibes- okay sorry I had to start with that. I love how you are so nice and supportive of me, it really means a lot. I really like the stuff you reblog like,,, cool art? pretty women? those hopeful little posts? iconic. also youre a noor stan which is a sign of good taste. love you🤎❤️

@ijzermanora daniiiiiii madam you are so epic and iconic and I really could go on about that forever. you are so kind and you’re following all my joke sideblogs (even the ch*cken l*ttle hate blog??? why???) which is very brave of you. I love reading all of your lil wholesome posts and hearing about school and how much you hate chemistry (even tho you like sushi???) anygays we were already sending memes 10 hours into our mutualship so I think we were soulmates from the very beginning. I love you so much and I have no idea what I did before i knew you💜💗

@alwaysin-myhead okay, you give off cool person vibes and I had to acknowledge that. your art is so beautiful and you are so incredibly talented!!! I hope to get to know you in the future🧡💛

@alexiaugustin here she is!!! the queen of good opinions!!! you are such a smart cookie and you use that power to make long paragraph posts that I can actually read without falling asleep. which is impressive honestly. never has a person been so kind and funny and genius in such a well rounded way (that makes no sense) I’m so happy that I have you in my life ilyyy💚💗

@ijntba hihi you’re such a sweet person and I literally love your skam blog sm. I am so honored that you’re using one of my icons you have no idea. even though I’m confused when you post about anime, I still appreciate your passion lmao. mwah💛🧡

@hidden-joy liz!! you are such a kind soul and I absolutely love looking at the things you reblog and reading all the nice things that you put in the tags, it’s always so sweet and supportive!!! we’re relatively new mutuals, but I do hope to get to know you better in the future!!!💚💛

okay sorry to group y’all together but @fudgetunblr and @alexiswoke I like just became mutuals with y’all but I do love you and I’m glad you’re here and I hope 2021 treats you well and that i get to know you better!!❤️❤️

aaand one last final message for max and sarah, i know yall wont see this but ily🧡 💜

okay yeah I know I already said this but I really do love each and every one of you so much and I am so lucky to have so many amazing people in my life💕💕💓💕💖💖💕💘💕💗💞💓💕💖💖💘💕💓

[petekaos]

2020 creator wrap + a follow forever

rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

hiii hello everyone! sorry it’s taken me so long to get on this BUT it’s all for good reason! i thought i would combine this post into me sharing some of the works i am most proud of this year as well as spreading more love in this wonderful little community because i truly love you all tons and being a part of such a lovely group of people has made me beyond happy this year. it’s been a difficult year for all of us and i’m just so glad that i can give back the love and care y’all can give to me 💛

onward to spreading love to people who tagged me, in no particular order! thank you all for tagging me, it means so much and know that i have read through your posts at least twice with a smile on my face.

@wjmild: kylie!! you constantly surprise me with how kind and insightful you are, as well as your dedication to watching absolutely every show with lee thanat in it. you are so smart and educated and every time you talk about your research and your studies i can’t help but feel so incredibly proud of you. i really hope life brings you the peace and fulfillment you deserve. i love you!

@gigiesarocha: cata - it is always such a pleasure to see you on my dash. i can rely on you losing your shit over ingredients every two weeks and every time i see jeff doing things it 100% reminds me of you! you possess such a kind soul and i’m so glad to have had the pleasure of following you this year :’)

@yihwas: sometimes i still can’t believe you know who i am and that we’re grouped together, soph! your blog is such a refuge to me, i adore scrolling through your replies and laughing at all the witty things you say. you are simply so kind and thoughtful in your responses and criticism and you have such talent in gifmaking! i am forever grateful to you for introducing me to new lakorns and to you and shannon for creating @lakornladies​. 

@morksuns: sumaya! my url twin! i absolutely love seeing you on the dash, it really is that trans desi solidarity, no? your moodboards are always so aesthetic and your blog is so soft and calm. i see you sending such lovely asks to people, including myself, and i truly admire your personality so much!

@gayvlad: nico, my sibling! i love you so much and seeing you on the dash always makes me smile. sometimes you’re too hard on yourself, but that’s okay, because i’m always here for you. i loved your reactions to dbk in live time, and that you’re now as attached to the show as i am. we love a lot of the same things, and i’ll forever be grateful to you for indulging my headcanons and developing them with me, like the ram and bohn friendship. the ram fic of him finding the gym as a home was developed through much of your influence, and i’ll never stop being astonished at how kind and supportive you are. i love you! 

@khaotungthanawat: saaaam! your gifs are always a beauty to behold. i admire you so much for making those bl compilation gifsets because that takes so much patience and dedication, especially to find all the moments. i can always count on you for underrated gifsets, too, and i smile every time you send me an ask!

@tanwirapong: roa! oh i adored getting to know you better this year through the gifted gays gc. i remember still when you made a post about there’s an art to honesty and it truly made my day - i sent it to my partner and best friend and they were so fond as well! i will always be so happy about the fact that we both lose it over petekao every now and again, it means the world to me :’)

@emisfritish: your wisdom and way of expressing your thoughts will never fail to amaze me, emma. i can always count on you for calling things like they are and writing out well-worded, thought-provoking posts that express everything i have ever thought about fandom but could never quite write down. it’s such a pleasure seeing you on my dash and honestly, whenever i see tay, he reminds me of you!

so that was everyone who tagged me, for which i am eternally grateful! (if i missed anyone... i am so sorry ily...) now onto me rambling about how much i love specific people in the fandom generally that i haven’t already mentioned.

@earthfluuke: maddie... where do i even start. getting to know you this year means the absolute world to me and i love how many thoughts we can share together and how many aus and ideas we can plot out to the finest detail, but i also love how we can talk about serious topics and irl issues affecting us both and know that the other person will be there. i admire you so much for going on and persevering despite the many difficult factors in your life right now. know that i will always be there - to listen to you, to support your gifs and fics, to develop characters with you, to weigh in on problems or ideas you have. i love you!

@asianmelodrama: faiza!! i can never address you without immediately adding ‘jaan’ after it honestly. you are a sister to me in all things and knowing you has been such an honour. your wise words, your calmness in dealing with things, your infectious excitement - they are all facets of your personality that i both admire and adore. whether it’s getting angry about shitty muslim rep or freaking out about a movie, i know that i can always count on you to be there for me if i ever need it. i hope light and love touches your life always, and you find peace in everything you do. if i ever happen to be in england, i am definitely coming over for your chai :’) i love you!

@yioh: yura my laddoo! i say this all the time, but i simply am so grateful that we met. i love seeing your tags on my posts and i just... adore seeing you doing your thing on your blog, your posts always make me smile. i know school is hard right now, but know that i’m always rooting for you and believe in you completely. words cannot express how happy i am to have found another tamil lgbt person who can understand the same experiences, it really does mean everything to me. and know that i will begin reading tyk soon, i promise, and i’ll tell you all about my thoughts! i love youuu!

@1akorn: shannon!! i still cannot believe people group us together because i’ve always admired you from a distance - imagine my absolute surprise when i found out that you followed me! i 100% rely on you for the good mek content and love your gifs so much. you’re so articulate and speak your thoughts incredibly well, which i truly admire.

@brightwin: jelly - you already know the amount of love and fondness i hold for you. you’re such a kind and bubbly person and your personality shines not only through your tags and responses to people, but also through your gorgeous gifsets that are just so warm and lovely. i can always rely on you to give me updates on all things related to brightwin and 2gether. you’re wonderful!

@yibobibo: aamna! i know i can always get my yibo content from you, and i adore it. i love seeing updates about your bunnies and your kind responses to your anons, you truly are a ray of light! you’re also one of the fairly concentrated cql blogs i follow - and for that i am always grateful.

@metawwin: ali! your gorgeous gifs are always such a light on my dash. i remember once you called me ‘rahulito’ and it made me so soft. your voice and songs are so lovely and i don’t even know where to begin thanking you for sharing your art with us. i know it means a lot to me, and it means the same to many others.

@taytawan: nuriaaa! i remember seeing you so often in the petekao tag and i gotta say that your sets of both petekao and sarawatine, especially the heart eyes series, always make me so soft. and of course, the fact that you gifted me this wonderful url! i will always be thankful for that and for your general kindness and warmth that you bestow upon everyone.

@piningbisexuals: axelle! although we don’t talk that much, i always love seeing your gifs and your thoughts on shows on the dash. i’m wishing you all the best with your thai classes and hope that everything goes well with you! also, you should know that i read that manboss fic you gifted to me at least once a week because it just means that much to me - and i’m so glad i got you into this little silly ship of mine. 

@sunsetchimyeon: nene, my pk anon! i love seeing your asks in my inbox and writing essays as replies. having conversations with you was one of my absolute highlights and i’ll always be blown away by how kind and calm and supportive and patient you are! i hope life is treating you well, my friend.

@toptaps: zey!! oh i love seeing your gifs and kindness on my dash and know that whenever i see toptap in anything, he always reminds me of you! also your gifs of sammy? absolutely gorgeous!

@giftedgays: i love you all SO much it is truly insane. being part of our tumblr gc that evolved into a discord server with a thousand channels has been one of my 2020 highlights. i loved yelling with you all about tgg every week and i must thank you all for sitting through my chanonpom breakdowns every second day. 

in particular: 

@pangwave - dawnie, i love you! i admire you and your no bullshit attitude so much. i know you’re going through a process of change right now, and i could not be prouder of you for persevering through it, regardless of the painful and strange circumstances we find ourselves in. i have full faith in you, and i know that you got this. we’re all here for you! 

@doctorbahnjit: - alexa! i still remember when you wrote the first manboss fic and an anon sent me a link regarding it. you are genuinely one of the funniest people i know and you deserve the absolute world. i read out of the blue every day, no kidding, because it means so much to me! thank you for being my fellow chanonpomer, my fellow manboss-er, and just being an all around ray of absolute sunshine.

@gunatps: vee! i have already embarrassed myself enough in my post to you but it’s worth repeating. i adore our eden chanonpom breakdown sessions, which we should have again soon when you have time, and i love us roasting modi in the chat, it truly cracks me up! we have so much in common and i just want to say that i am so proud of you for studying and taking your exams - i know how difficult they are. 

@wavelovespang: cass!! how i adore your analyses and breakdowns of scenes and relationships, you have so much insight and wisdom that you spread in such thoughtful ways! you’re so supportive and kind and such a great teacher, i know that. your writing is so wonderful and i’m truly so honoured that we all get to read it, it’s a gift!

@class2clown: angel! i cannot say this enough but i admire your art so much, it’s so so beautiful! you’ve always been so kind and lovely, and just like with cass, thank you so much for organising the gifted week events! although i couldn’t properly partake this year because of time constraints, i loved seeing everyone’s creations and it was super thoughtful.

@soulmatelines: i’ve said this before, jo, but it must be said again: i cannot believe you thought i was cool. i’ve always adored your gifs from afar and you’re such a sweet person! i love love love talking with you in the kpop channel (even if you personally hate 3racha smh), and you truly do bear the novel agenda! i’ve learned about so many more novels i must read and for that i am so grateful :’) 

@billkinpp: violet, i will never fail to crack up at a) your and kylie’s plans to run away and get married, and b) you having a thousand sideblogs and complimenting yourself on your own gifs in the tags, as you absolutely should! i hope the next year is kind to you and that your sleep schedule isn’t too fucked up :’)

@vihokratanas: mel, i will always be in complete awe of your gifs! they are always so clean and crisp. i remember still when you were fondestphan and my phannie days flashed in front of my eyes fhsnfg but either way, you’re so kind and sweet! 

@pvrrish: eleni!! i don’t think i’ve ever told you this before but i’ve always loved the 2gether poster that you made, i sometimes go on your blog to look at it for like 5 minutes, it’s truly so beautiful! i hope you’ve had an okay year, all things considered, and that life is kind to you!

@lee-thanat: another leesbian, ke! y’all always crack me up in the lesbians for lee thanat channel truly. your simping for ms ladda is so valid, i miss her so much honestly. i hope that the coming year is kind to you, and that you find the peace you deserve!

okay, so i think that’s everyone that i either talk to regularly or admire a lot! in case i didn’t mention you, please please feel free to reach out to me because i mean no offense at all - my brain is small haha. would also like to shout out all my anons who send me asks and bear with my late responses these days because of life, i adore you all and i love answering your asks.

if you’re still reading after this... whole monster of a post, i’m just gonna quickly mention some things i’ve been proud of either writing or making this year. in no particular order:

1. my weary heart has come to rest in yours. this is a fic i wrote in an... interesting headspace, and i was really going through my chanonpom feelings at the time. i’m really proud of how it came out and i adored writing chanon through pom’s pov. also i kinda love how i tied in p’bird’s song prip dtah in with the fic because i adore the song and it fits so well with them.

2. petekao week 2020. i guess this is sort of cheating, because these are technically 7 fics, BUT. i am actually proud of myself for writing seven, and i think they’re all of fairly good quality. i just really love this little universe i created for the dbk characters after the show and this whole week was just so warm and lovely to be a part of.

3. this set of num and prang from a gift for whom you hate. this moment really stuck with me from the finale and i actually am really proud of the colouring and how it came out! i think the blues really popped and i managed to lighten this dark ass scene without whitewashing mek or aye. the fireworks gif also is one of my favourites i’ve made! num and prang’s whole relationship was so pure throughout the entirety of this show, i adored them. 

4. but love is impossible and it goes on despite the impossible. this is the longest fic i’ve posted so far and i’m super proud of it - it’s also my most well-received fic. the yunmeng brothers mean the world to me and i just... wanted to write about jiang cheng and his love for his brother and give them a somewhat happy ending, in one future at least.

5. there’s an art to honesty. i think i really nailed my version of kao in this work! i just really loved writing this fic so much, especially because it was right after the whole ‘scandal’ with new happened. i was really just finding a way to separate kao from him, and i delved into my feelings with this fic as well, because i relate to kao in multiple ways. either way, i thought writing this fic was fun and a lot of people loved it too, which made me so soft!

if you’ve read this far, i personally adore you! while this has been a difficult year, i am blessed to have been part of this loving community, and i really hope that next year will be kinder to us all and give us good shows and discussions! i love you all. stay safe and stay kind, friends 💛

[taz-skylar]

CONTENT CREATOR: 2020 IN REVIEW

tagged by the best beans @zofias and @kamalaskhans, thanks buds! :D

first creation and most recent creation of 2020:

first creation: ace & sabo in one piece: stampede wow that feels like years ago

most recent creation: just posted a sailor moon/wonder woman parallel bc QUEENS

one of your favourite creations from 2020:

jepser fahey bc wow do i miss having that type of inspiration

a creation you’re really proud of:

tony stark didn’t think it was going to turn out how i wanted but it pretty much did???

a new style you tried this year and a gifset that uses it:

manga colouring for the first time with oikawa tooru

trying my hand at colouring with my most tragic beans (pepperony)

blending for the first time with pepperony

playing around with gifs on top of gifs for morgan and tony

a creation that took you forever:

oh definitely the pepper loving tony throughout the years gifset

also the gif in pepperony’s first dance i had to do that frame-by-frame which is A LOT

your creation from 2020 that received the most notes:

tony stark parallel from iron man 2 and what if...?

but second place goes to tony stark with a naruto quote so that’s fun :D

a creation you think deserved more notes:

honestly i wish the first wangxian gifset i did with the old guard quote got more notes than it had bc that was just sad to see :(

a creation with a favourite scene/quote:

chuuya’s entrance

oikawa’s appearances after the timeskip (gotta choose both bc they’re both KINGS)

a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it:

i joined so many fandoms this year but let’s go with the wangxian + delicate one i did

a creation you made that breaks your heart:

jfaldfja i basically just make a lot of sad edits but for this game i’ll go with the wei wuxian and jiang yanli one that made me cry

a ‘simple’ creation that you really love:

this pepperony gifset bc i just really love the contrasts between their first and last scenes in the iron man mask in avengers (like the cool colouring in the beginning vs. the hot in the ending and the happiness vs. sadness) liek it’s all there in that scene and i love it and hate it

a creation that was inspired by another one (add both your creation and the one that inspired it!):

ironfam inspired by the incredibly talented @sersi​ (star wars version)

but also tony stark inspired by the amazing @catchingmydeatth​ (rey version)

a favourite creation created by someone else: (in no particular order)

oh i have so many aldjfakd going through my fav tag is the best idea but let’s see:

the arthur/gwen&barry/iris parallel gifset by @iriswestsallen​ bc that edit was so beautiful and wonderfully done that it literally started my entire fav tag !! 

obviously this tony stark edit (it was made for me okay), but also soukoku (that coin is the best thing of life), pevensies + times of day (i’m screaming, especially over that blue for edmund!), dabi's reveal (the colouring is everything!! even with the lyrics which was TOTALLY done to spite me :/), but also the miles morales edit and all the writing and the small little snippets and of course the shitposts that are done by @hauntedthief - i love the fact that i get to see all the edits and writing pieces before they even get posted, like from start to finish, it’s the best

the iconic miles morales edit by @wonderwomans and the tony stark gifset (i’m biased but it was made for me :D) but also kesh has all of the talent in the world, no lies, bc her soukoku au tears me to pieces and puts me back together again jsut to do it all over again. legit kesh your talent is unparalleled, holy fuck

anything and everything made by @kamalaskhans​ but i am always going to be in love with this tony stark gifset sameera made bc everything is so perfect in it, like next level stuff right here. wow, the most talented gif maker creating such a masterpiece, i am in love

the dazai osamu edit by @dicennio but honestly it was really hard to choose just one out of everything?? your one of the best graphic makers on this site, holy shit, and i get so excited over all your edits bc the talent??? the amazingness??? i love it all

this anakin and obi-wan gifset by @niinazenik bc wow phe, how do you edit??? like seriously. the way this edit flows from red with teh bolded ‘hate’ to the blue and the sadness in the end scene is everything, wow, i’m stunned

this tony stark gifset by @marwankenzari bones not only is that quote so perfect for the best bean in this universe but also your font choices and your colouring are amazing and the way the font in the back goes from red to yellow, his colours, just ties it all up so well, seriously i’m in awe over here, bud

this untamed finale ep gifset by @gusucloud​ this finale ep was a rollercoaster of emotions and this gifset brings it all out again. the colouring is so soft which contrasts so beautifully with the heartbreaking scenes. wow i’m a mess again, thanks

some of your favourite content creators from the year: (in no particular order)

@hauntedthief, @wonderwomans, @kamalaskhans, @dicennio, @zofias, @mob-psycho, @yenvengerberg, @elriccs, @mazusu, @gojosattoru, @coulter, @anya-chalotra, @marwankenzari, @katsukes, @chloezhao, @sersi, @momentofmemory, @niinazenik, @reddriot, @zuura, @timothyolyphant, @taylorjoy-anya, @hollywoods, @bosemanchadwick, @ierishouko, @tanchirou, @montygreen, @bartonclinton, @jackmans, @akaashikeji, @parkersedith, @robertpattisons, @pepperonys, @andthwip, @williamsherondales, @gusucloud, @strangehighs, @celiabowens, @runwiththewind, @arthurpendragonns, @highwarlockkareena, @kiyomie, @chonis, @tonystarks, and so many more !! seriously everything these wonderful people make is certified gold!!! thank you guys so much for making my dash brighter and more beautiful than it’s ever been! this year may have been shitty but my dash was filled with the best art ever :D it’s so inspiring to see all your beautiful creations, y’all are seriously so damn talented and i’m so glad i follow you all!

and for good measure, another a couple more creations of yours that you love:

tony stark + the flash

dazai osamu

susan pevensie + ashe vernon

soukoku playlist

pepperony + mary oliver

oikawa tooru

one tree hill

susan pevensie + emily palermo

pepperony + 5+1

wangxian + mary elizabeth frye

tagging: everyone who’s been tagged in this post if you haven’t already done it yet! :D

[sunsetcurve]

so...the last year has been rough. for everyone. but i’ve been lucky in a lot of ways, especially with the people in my life, and i wanted to take a second to thank some people on here. because genuinely, you guys mean so freaking much to me. i’ve had a lot of online friends in my life but none that feel so much like family. these are the people who have carried me through the last year, who’ve made me feel seen and heard and supported me in all my endeavors and just been wonderful to me all around. i love you guys, and happy new year <3

i’m about to get into it now. and i’ll try not to cry too much along the way.

@neshatriumphs​ nesha, when i say that you’re our fandom mom i mean that you’re my family, i mean that you’re my biggest supporter, my inspiration, my rock, the person who makes me want to be my best self, all the time. i can’t explain to you what your support has meant to me over the years. whether it’s leaving me incredibly kind notes on my fics that make me want to write more just for you, or sending me asks when you know i’m feeling down, or just making me laugh with your hilarious takes, you have always, always been there for me. you’re the toughest person i know and you make me want to keep pushing every day. you’re so incredibly talented; your ideas are just always stunning and inspired and despite being humble about it you’re amazing at everything you do. your art, your writing, your aesthetics, all of it. loeg and share-a-lair were just spectacular and such a show of how complex and original and smart your writing is. barring just your talent you’re also an inspiration in how passionate and kind and dedicated you are. you care for others everywhere you go. you come on here and constantly make me want to be a better person. it’s not just me, either—you’ve taken on the role of helping all of us in any way you can, and you just make us feel loved and supported and give us someone to always look up to. i love you. plain and simple, you’re my family, and i’m so, so grateful to have you in my life.

@juliesdahlias​ you know when you meet someone younger than you and you’re like how do they have this much talent in their body? and you can’t even be mad about it because you just want to root for them and you want good things for them and you think of them like a little sibling? that’s me around you all. the freaking. time. pearl, i’m constantly blown away by how smart and driven and passionate you are. you have so much talent to offer the world and i love seeing you thrive more than anything. you inspire me every freaking day; i mean, your tiara thief drabbles literally made me pull my fic out of my drafts for the first time in months. every time you post it’s something iconic and beautiful, whether its your fics or your edits or your headcanons. and not just that, but you’re so incredibly supportive of everything i put out there. like with ths, the way you latched on to it and are one of our biggest fans and made content for it literally as soon as we started!! that was amazing!! you’re just such an incredible person in every sense of the word; you’re talented and hilarious and kind and passionate and i love you so so much. i cannot wait to watch you do amazing things because i know you’re gonna be one of the greats. ily. 

@ciara-knightly i can’t even put this into words. i’m sitting here trying to say it right and every time i start i just turn into “!!!!!!!!” cause i love you so much. i know i’ve said this before, but shona, you’re honestly like my older sister. this whole year of just, really getting to talk to you beyond tumblr has shown me how honestly kind, passionate, smart, and supportive you are. talking to you is one of my favorite things in the world, whether it’s rambling about tiara thief, or discussing feminism in media, or just getting life advice. you always know what to say to lead me in the right direction and reassure me that things are gonna be okay. i look up to you more than i can tell you; i’m constantly inspired by your talent and your drive. you’re endlessly supportive and you make me laugh all the time, and i hold literally every convo we have close to my chest because it means so much to me to just be able to have them with you. i’ll never be over the fact that you basically discovered jatp, or us talking and making predictions for weeks before it aired, or us plotting out the whole dystopia novel together—which, even though it didn’t really pan out, was such an amazing experience because i got to do it with you. and i absolutely scroll back through our convos on a regular basis to scream over our tiara thief headcanons. everything i’ve done with you has been incredibly fun and meaningful, so what i’m trying to say in this very long winded way is that i’m so, so glad i know you, and i can never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. 

@bitchmilsky lizzie, i literally think of you like you’re my little sibling. my weird, crazy, hilarious, incredibly kind and supportive and creative and amazing little sibling. ever since i met you you’ve been nothing but fun and friendly and wonderful to me. your posts never fail to make me laugh and i love seeing whatever you’re up to, even if it’s video games that i understand nothing about. you have so many fun ideas and you’re so freely yourself, it’s honestly inspiring. the things you make are always adorable and every time we go live together and chat i always have so much fun, and talking and i just want to meet you in person so badly because i know we’d be an amazing, unstoppable duo and that you’d make me laugh until my sides hurt. i’m still waiting on that cross-country road trip. we could roll the windows down and belt our way through the entire hd musical soundtrack, and it would be epic. for real, though, you’re one of my favorite people ever, and i hope this year brings you nothing but fun and good things because that’s what you deserve. i’m sending you a million virtual hugs and also booty shorts that say poggers on the ass. i love you <3

@zackmartn i know i’m gonna start crying right now because i love you so much and i’m trying not to because i just did my makeup but dammit, nikki, i just love you so much. i remember when i first came on here and was afraid to talk to you because i was like “ohmygod she’s so cool she’s the king of this fandom she’s amazing” but i thank god that you reached out to me every day. i honestly can’t imagine my life without you; you’ve been such a presence in it for so long that you’re inseparable from it. even the times i’ve gone on hiatus i’ve been stalking your blog from a distance like “i just wanna know what she’s up to...”. you’re honestly like an older sister to me and you’re one of the people i admire the most; you’ve been through and continue to go through so much and yet every day you come on here and decide to be a freaking light to all of us, to make me smile, to support me literally endlessly. like, the amount of times you’ve driven me to near tears from your reviews of my writing is ridiculous. the freaking umana fan club?? the way ths is one of your top tags??? it’s just...insane and such a show of how boundless your support is. and that’s not even getting into how freaking talented you are!!! i stare at your gifsets all the time!! and your fics like....holy shit you literally created this whole universe that i’m so freaking invested in and is better than literally anything that canon could ever do, and i know i’m honestly terrible at responding to messages but i hope you know you never have to start holding back with me. most of the time when i get stuff you send i have to sit there and get my thoughts together and that takes forever, but i love love love reading it anyway. the way you get excited about the things you love is everything, it’s something that i really really love about you, and i hope you continue to keep that passion and love for everything. and i hope that this year brings you nothing but good things, because you deserve that more than anyone. i love you. 

@willexs eliza, babe, i know we joke all the time that we were put on opposite sides of the ocean because we’d be too powerful if we were together but i really think it’s true. imagine us meeting. the universe just wouldn’t be able to handle it; it would implode. listen, you’re literally like my twin, my other half. we have so much in common that it’s honestly ridiculous. we operate on the same brainwave, and every time we talk i’m blown away by how easy it is and i honestly love it so much because i could not have picked a more talented and creative and fun person to work with. writing ths with you has literally been like...one of my favorite writing experiences ever. i can’t believe that it started on such a whim because it’s such an important part of my life now and getting to have you next to me while we figure this whole thing out is honestly the best part. it’s not just all the characters and dynamics we’ve created, it’s the fact that i can send you incoherent ramblings at ungodly hours and you’ll pick them apart, it’s the 3-hour phone calls to make playlists, it’s you always making me feel heard and inspiring me. it’s this like...excitement of building towards something amazing with someone i love. you understand me on this crazy and fundamental level, and sometimes it blows my mind how similar we are and how well you know me without us having even met. i feel like we’re the embodiment of “nobody gets me like you”. and i know i’ve said this before, but i really do think you make me a better writer. i love how you make me laugh, i love that you always have the best takes and i love how talented you are with your incredible adorable art and your fics and your gorgeous edits and i love that we egg each other on and hype each other up. i love that, despite being on opposite sides of the ocean, we’re still best friends. and i love you <3

​@cactus-con lou!!!!!! i literally just...ahh i love you so much!! i know i’ve said this before but you were the first person i talked to in this fandom, and you made me feel so freaking welcome. and that has never changed. talking to you is so easy and natural, and you make me feel loved and heard all the time. i love getting to share stuff with you because you always always always hype me up. not just that but like...your talent?? literally unmatched!!! you’re amazing at everything you do it’s ridiculous. i love love love all your artwork, i could stare at it literally all day. you have so much talent and i literally cannot wait to watch you do such great things with it. i just...you’re such a wonderful person to everyone around you. you spread all this love and support and kindness and i think you’re one of the most genuine people i know and i’m so so glad i know you. i hope this year treats you so well because you deserve nothing but good things. i love you. <3

@owenjoyners where do i even start?? brooke, you’re like my other twin. i know i’ve said this before but it’s literally insane to me that we’ve known each other for less than a year because it feels like i’ve known you my whole life. you are such an incredible freaking person. you’re funny and you’re kind and you’re talented and you make me smile every damn day. i love getting post notifs from you because i swear to god i light up every time. your gifsets are always gorgeous, and i’ve watched you learn and improve and you’ve gotten so good, it makes me so happy every time. your art??? you say you’re just starting out but i can’t even tell you how much i love it. your fics!!! you’re good at everything and it’s honestly ridiculous. and it’s not even about your consistently amazing posts, i also just...i love talking to you more than anything, even if we’re just simping over owen together. you make me laugh all the time and you always hype me up; you’ve let me ramble about my fics and helped me get my ideas together, you’ve talked stupid life stuff like school and college with me, and you’ve given me someone to go to whenever i need it. i think of you as one of my best friends and i can’t get over how fast we clicked or how easy it is to talk to you. i need you to come visit me so i can give you so many hugs and we can have a sleepover and talk for literally hours on end. in the meantime, we need to call again sometime because that was honestly so much fun. i love you with all my heart. 

and some people i want to say thank you to, because even though we don’t talk as often as i’d like you’re still amazing, and you make me smile all the time, and i love seeing you on my dash or in my notes: @taylorswiftrulestheworld @onplanetmars @dr-rigatoni @swellviews-finest @symphonic-concert @molinasmercer

[simptasia]

Cats 2019 😌

Oh, thank you, I’m gonna gush about this movie without even a DROP of that “i knoooow it’s bad” stuff, y’all know that I know. Okay maybe a few drops sneak in, in a back handed way, but MOSTLY this is me gushing and fawning

For context, since i’m putting this in the tag, the prompt was this was somebody gives me a topic and I respond with what i like about it. Like, the opposite of that “send me a thing and i’ll tell you what i hate about it” one

sometimes, like half the time, the CGI actually slaps. like, the close ups are amazing. proper look at some of these cats and it’s like, wow

mr. mistoffelees is precious. he’s my favourite and he’s adorable and his song makes me cry! specifically the bit where old deut is back and it cuts to his happy “oh my gosh i did it” face. triumphant! heck, i just like that whole song, as like the character thing that it is. and yeah anyways, misto is a cutie pie, he’s so shy and awkward and nervous, i wuv him uwuwu

misto is my fave but munkustrap is actually the best character in this movie. i cannot gush enough about robbie fairchild’s acting, singing and dancing in this. he is the backbone of this movie and i adore him! there’s a reason i’ve reblogged a bagillion gifsets of him being so expressionate, he’s so good! you can tell robbie loves being a part of this. and like, very often munku will absolutely be the best aspect of a scene

plus he’s beautiful too. munku, misto, victoria. beautiful kitties

now that i’ve adjusted to the art style, i find these kitties adorable. i love the ears and tails, they make me happy. i like how misto’s tail curls and the movement of everybody’s ears

i really like the music, shoulda mentioned that first. like, when its good, its really good. memory is of course a powerhouse. skimbleshanks is the movie’s highlight, so fucking good. i like mr. misto’s song, fight me. jellicle cats is a fucking bop. rumpleteazer & mungojerrie, I Just Like It. robbie’s performance in... well the whole movie... but also in old deuteronomy is beautiful and soothing. i’ve actually gotten every song in this stuck in my head.... SKIIIIIMBLEEEESHAAAANKS THE RAAAAILWAAAY CAT

legit, making that number include tap dancing was an actual stroke of genius and i cannot praise steven mcrae enough. whomst is also australian, im so proud. i also like skimble’s pants

OH ALSO regarding the music, another thing i love about this movie is that it introduced me to the concept of this musical. i never had any exposure to cats the musical before this movie happened. all i knew before was a couple of references i saw and i had heard memory. but i didn’t know that memory was from cats. and like, think of all the great songs i wouldn’t be aware of if this movie never happened. i’ve also, by extension, become enamoured with the 1998 version of cats too. because of this! i wouldn’t have had a reason to care before! i had no interest! so besides the fact that i actually do like this movie, there’s that

this is true of the stage musical thing, but a lot of cute and fun character moments are gleaned from like background stuff and facial expressions, that sorta thing and i find it really fun to notice stuff (or see somebody else point stuff out). like it’s all very simple but still with some depth, ya know?

the dancing in this is so good. so so good. especially munku because his actor is a magnificent dancer. it’s also funny and cute how misto clearly isn’t as good a dancer as everybody else, so they have him doing clumsy doofy stuff in the background. but im not insulting laurie davidson’s dancing, he’s actually good considering he had to learn for this movie. i just have to praise the dancing in this movie because i’ve seen people say that “the dancing isn’t impressive in this movie because it’s CGI” and i WILL EAT YOU WHOLE. no n no no people HAVE to know that the actors are actually doing that. robbie and francesca are professional ballet dancers, most of the people in this are. the movements are real, they just painstakingly overlayed CGI cat stuff over it. the stuff that isn’t real is like, stuff humans can’t do, like the big fuck off leaps, they used wires for that

Rumpleteazer’s Lesbian Energy Is Palpable

Munkustrap’s Chemistry With Everybody Is Stunning

victoria, misto and munku are OT3 and they’re bicons in my heart

oh i already mentioned the music but i just wanna say i think beautiful ghosts is a lovely song/motif/character thing. i haven’t mentioned victoria much, i think she’s rather sweet in a like endearingly dumb way. and her singing and dancing is, of course, lovely

the sets are practical, they built that! bruh

i have to give my respect to the poor overworked effects artists who worked on this movie. they were pushed so hard and for so long and i think they did a great job and they don’t deserve even a drop of the scorn they have received

i love misto’s jacket, it’s so good. and the pencil as a wand is clever!

the last scene is refered to as a living hell by a lot of people but i love it because just. watch munku’s face the whole time. so good. just watch munkustrap, he makes everything better

ooh on that note, i like how they made it so munk lives in a flat thats literally right by the junkyard. i find that a nice touch and fitting

i like the nuzzles <3 (furthermore i love how misto is so much taller than victoria so he has to bend down so far for a couple of those nuzzles)

i dunno, you can tell most of the people doing this were like really into it, like really loved doing this movie. like these performances are good, y’all! and like, these cats come across as so happy to hanging out and dancing and being together (for the most part, there is bickering and... cattiness too) that it’s like infectious. it makes me smile!

and there’s like a bagillion little things here and there that i like, like my list could go on even more. for example, shout out to that one cat that kept smiling when skimble was spinning upwards into the air (due to being kidnapped) probably under the assumption that skimble can just fucking do that djksakjdsa

so yeah i can’t exactly call this a Good Movie but i can genuinely call it a movie i enjoy, that i adore even, because i’ve never liked anything ironically in my life! also im autistic and this has become my special interest, so choo choo, this trains a chugging. i’m having a lot of fun, and i think that’s good enough

and i feel like it’s already on it’s way to becoming the world’s most expensive cult classic. like, friends getting together and watching it and having a good time, for one reason or another. and i like that. i hope in like 5 to 10 years time, people are gonna be endeared and nostalgic for cats 2019, cuz that’d be neat

[joeypottrs]

I REACHED 1000 FOLLOWERS! WTF!

Okay, now I haven’t really done one of these posts because I always feel like I’m going to forget people, but I feel like with this milestone I gotta mention people that have made having this blog a blessing bc I’ve gotten to interact with all of you.

Over the past year I’ve changed this blog into a full-on skam blog, and to the people that didn’t unfollow me after I stopped talking about what you followed me for, thank you. And to those who have followed me since I started going full skam, thank you for welcoming me into the anxiety-inducing lifestyle of live-watching and live-blogging these remakes lol. Your art, gifsets, fics, conversation, and memes make me go on this site every day.

@skampered - EDDI! a literal angel, your gifs are amazing, i love chatting with you, so glad you started watching wtfock and got dragged into this mess of a fandom lol

@dearrobbe - jenna, I love your takes on a lot of the discourse, you are always so lovely and friendly, also loved your youtube videos and you are super cute

@jebentnietalleen - tara, you are amazing, thanks for translating wtfock and jsut being a lovely presence on this website

@leoniejulie - LEONIE your fanart is incredible, you are so immensely talented

@frostbowie - adri, your fanfic ideas in the tags make me wanna combust 

@lesbianijzermans - sabrina, your gifs *chefs kiss*

@willemma - EMMA, hilarious queen ily

@tehkatieofrps - katie, your patience with anons is so incredible, you are sweet and lovely and I love seeing your takes on things

@driesen-demaury - LEJLA former icon twin, forever mutual, I love you, you are hilarious x

@zoesrobbe @majorsander @earthlingdriesn @lallemcnt @plvmour @paperlesscrown @mirroroferisedx @caslulu @luludemauryyy @alles-gutt @bloggideon @noradari @dat-is-chill-ghafa @superskamtrash @arthuralexia @lucasseliott @voldemortimaginarynose96 @robronsuggle @well-who-needs-angels-anyway @sophsfaves @arthurbroussard @lallemants @batmanstolemypony @lightinthed4rk @lucaslallemants @elus @elu-the-chosen-one @zoeloockxs @sanderschmander95 @silverscreenbabushka @is-it-sander-oclock-yet @earthlingsander @ijzermansdriesen @thebestoftimes @asksander

THIS ISN’T EVERYONE BUT JUST A SHORT LIST OF PEOPLE THAT HAVE INTERACTED WITH ME IN SOME WAY / PEOPLE I HAVE ENJOYED THE CONTENT OF !

Everyone that followed me, thank you, don’t know why you did it, but thank you for letting me into this big ol’ family x

[estamos-destinadas]

This gifset reminded me of how much Val gives me strong high school jock vibes sometimes -- I’m pretty sure someone here mentioned the same thing, but I forgot who it was -- because of these scenes (excuse the quality):

The way Val leans towards Juls in all three makes me think of a popular jock flirting and being all soft with the quiet girl they have the biggest crush on. (That plain white shirt with the choker? It screams pretty boy girl that every girl everyone fancies.)

So, High School AU idea:

Val is that girl who plays all the sports. After all, the Carvajal mansion has all those sports facilities. (I imagine that she and Guille often played together growing up, and sometimes Sergio gets invited.) That, along with the fact that she’s very rich and very pretty, makes her super popular among both boys and girls in school.

Meanwhile, Juls is the quiet artsy student. She’s a new transfer, and she tries her best not to stand out. Perhaps she’s on a scholarship and she doesn’t want to get into any trouble. However, I prefer to think that Lupé works at the school so Juls studies there as part of a staff benefits program.

Juls notices Val on the very day she starts at her new school. It’s difficult to miss her; she has dozens of admirers following her, and everywhere she goes people always go out of their way to say ‘hi’ to her. But also, Val is really nice, and she always has a ready smile for everyone. Juls’ admiration crush grows when she goes to one of Val’s games for the first time.

So Juls admires Val from afar, believing that Val -- a very popular girl a year older than her -- doesn’t even know she exists.

She couldn’t be further from the truth.

The thing is, despite the fact that Juls is a quiet student, anyone with eyes can’t miss how cute she is. You know how in high school when there are new transfers (or first years) and stupid boys always talk about who the pretty ones are? It’s like that, and Val’s group of male friends -- Sergio among them -- definitely talk about Juls the first couple of weeks after she started at the school.

So Val listens to her friends talk about the cute new girl is and even though she doesn’t say it out loud, she most definitely agrees with them. Not only that, she’s seen Juls around drawing in a notebook or making crafts, and her interest goes deeper than any of her friends’. There are moments where Val is surrounded by her admirers but whenever Juls is nearby she just keeps sneaking glances at her.

Juls doesn’t approach Val; she thinks that the most popular girl in school will never give her the time of day beyond a quick ‘hi’ and a smile. She’s not extremely shy, but come on, it would take an extraordinary level of boldness for a new girl who’s at the school because of staff benefits to approach a popular older girl whose family probably donated a huge amount of money to the school.

Val doesn’t approach Juls either. She’s always surrounded by other people, and it’s not that she doesn’t want to be seen with Juls, but, if she ever manages to introduce herself to Juls, she doesn’t want people to witness and gossip about it. She’s been there with people gossiping about her relationship with Lucho, her ex-boyfriend. Besides, she saw Sergio try to talk to Juls -- with a gaggle of other boys behind him -- and Juls looked like a trapped animal. Val doesn’t ever want to make her feel that way.

It takes some time, maybe several weeks or even months, but they finally get to interact.

So...

I imagine they’re both good in class so there will be no tutoring of one by the other. But maybe, on top of Val playing a lot of sports, she also writes for the school paper. They need a new illustrator so their editor-in-chief posts a bulletin about it. Juls tries out for and gets accepted to the position. At their next club meeting, Val and Juls finally get introduced. Juls is totally amazed because she didn’t know that Val can write too. She gets all shy with Val, but it’s okay because Val becomes all awkward and clumsy. So that first meeting is just them being shy and awkward with each other, while the other students stare at them in half-fascination and half-amusement because wow, they are so gay for each other. They get over the shy and awkward phase eventually, but they never stop being gay for each other.

- or -

They meet properly at the school waiting shed, after school on a rainy day. Juls was finishing an assignment and instead of going home immediately, she decides to wait the rain out before taking the bus. Val just got done with sports practice. Her driver is maybe five minutes away waiting for her text asking to be picked up, but when she sees Juls in the shed all by herself, she finally introduces herself. They hit it off immediately, finding each other more and more interesting with each passing minute. They talk for over an hour, even after the rain has stopped. They only notice the time when Juls gets a text from Lupé asking where she is. Val offers to give Juls a ride home, and Juls readily accepts, wanting to keep talking to Val for even half an hour longer. Juls also realises that Val could have left whenever she wanted, she didn’t need to wait the rain out with Juls but she did, and that makes her feel all kinds of things. The next day, they seek each other out -- maybe tentatively on Juls’ part -- and they decide to get lunch together. They keep seeking each other out from that point forward.

- or -

Val’s team lost a game because she missed a last shot/goal/point and she’s crying by herself in an empty classroom. Juls passes by and all the things that stopped her from talking to Val before are thrown out the window because she can’t stand seeing Val cry. So she approaches her and, like in the series, Val says she wants to be alone. Juls makes to leave immediately but when Val looks up she sees that it’s Juls so she asks her to stay. Juls cheers her up and makes her forget about the losing game. The day after, Val makes the extra effort to shake off her hangers-on so she can ask Juls to lunch (outside of school) as a way to thank her for the previous night. Juls accepts, of course, and they become inseparable after that.

- or -

Same as the last one, Val’s team lost because of a shot she wasn’t able to make. (In this scenario, the game is specifically basketball.) Frustrated with herself, she stays in court practicing until well after school hours. Like the last one, Juls passes by. She doesn’t approach Val, but she does stand rooted to the spot, mesmerised, as she watches her make shot after shot. Eventually, Val notices her watching; Juls apologises for intruding and starts to leave. Val tells Juls that she doesn’t have to go on her account. Juls, feeling that pull towards Val, takes that as invitation to approach and they finally introduce themselves properly to each other. Juls says something about the lost game that makes Val laugh and not feel so bad about it. She also says that she only really started understanding the sport after seeing Val’s games, and Val realises that Juls has actually been to all her games. Val is super charmed; she smiles like an idiot and doesn’t speak for minutes. Not that Juls is any better, with Val standing in front of her all sweaty. Eventually, after minutes and minutes of them just staring and smiling at each other, Val asks Juls if she wants to go grab dinner together, adding that whispered and breathy ‘porfa’ for good measure. Juls can’t say no, not that she ever wants to. After that, Juls starts sitting closer to the court when she watches Val’s games, her cheers louder. And sometimes, she would wear one of Val’s old jerseys with the bold printed ‘CARVAJAL’ on the back when she’s working on a big art project. That, along with the fact that they are always together when they’re not in class, leaves no doubt in anyone’s mind as to what they are to each other.

--and so...

They become high school sweethearts, but of course, their story goes beyond that.

[softjeon]

The perfect Illusion | Pt. 3

• Pairing: Geisha!Jimin x Namjoon | Side-Pairing: Geisha!Jungkook x Yoongi • Genre: Fluff / Angst  | Geisha!AU ( → Gifset Trailer) • Words: 12k | ↳ AO3 • Disclaimer: mentioning of abusive behavior

*** please note that this story doesn’t mean to represent accurate geisha tradition, it was solely inspired by the beautiful art form, giving it a modern twist in a fictional universe and therefore has been dramatized for entertainment purposes.

written with @cassiavioletblue

↳  He was the perfect illusion. The getaway for anyone who didn’t want to face reality. And yet, there was something in his eyes, something vulnerable and hopeful as if he was dying for someone to see through him, to care for him enough to look behind the mask and draw out the real Jimin. And Namjoon couldn’t wait to do exactly that.

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“Are you fucking kidding me Kim Namjoon,” His voice sounded lower and raspier than usual and it was obvious that he was grumpy. But who could blame him, when his best friend stood in front of his door, robbing him of his beloved sleep in the middle of the night while ringing the doorbell like a maniac. He pushed the door open nonetheless, waddling back into his apartment sleepily. “You owe me one for this…” 

Yoongi motioned for Namjoon to sit down on his couch, while plopping down in his favorite armchair and pulling the blanket over his body. He yawned tiredly, rubbing his eyes in a weak attempt to feel a little more awake. “So, now start from the beginning. You were at the tea house? Alone? And you did...fucking what?” 

The entire time Namjoon was talking and trying to explain his situation, Yoongi was rubbing the side of his temples, awaiting a headache to settle in soon. The other was talking so fast, jumping from one topic to another that Yoongi felt dizzy. When Namjoon was finally taking a deep breath and it was quiet for more than five seconds, Yoongi looked at him thoroughly. “So, you want me to explain it to you? How it all works?” Blowing out some air in a sigh, he sat up a bit more. He was definitely awake now and from where he sat, Yoongi could see the sun starting to set at the horizon through the window. 

“Jimin belongs to the tea house,” Yoongi sighed deeply, his eyes locked with Namjoon’s to make sure he understood everything he would be explaining now. Namjoon was smart, too smart sometimes and way too kind-hearted if someone would ask Yoongi. A charming optimist. Only this time it wouldn’t make this situation any easier. “And if I say that, then I entirely mean it like that. The tea house owns Jimin. If Jungkook says that his debt is not paid off with his mizuage then...he must have been sold off at a very young age or whoever sold Jimin really needed a lot of money. Therefore, nothing belongs to him either. Anything he buys, he eats, his entire upkeeping only pushes his debt higher. I don’t want to know how much Jimin has to work to pay even an eighth back of what he owes Hoseok and yes, Nams,” He held up a hand to calm the other, knowing his friend too well, “That’s unfair and shouldn’t be Jimin’s fault when he’s been the one who had been sold after all - but it’s the only way he can get out of this. See it this way: With a debt he at least has a chance of being his own person again.” Biting his lip, Yoongi let that information sink in with Namjoon for a moment, reaching for the bottle of water that always stood by his coffee table. “Where do you think a tea house owner gets his dancers from? Either you're born into this or you have been sold. Rarely anyone chooses to become a geisha on their own free will anymore. They have to train a lot and from a young age to become this good. The gifts customers give him are only another way for him to pay the money back. I believe that his mizuage money must have been really high...I mean we have both seen him dance. He’s popular and still it seems like it isn’t enough. Makes sense that he told you that he let go off his past right? What if he never had anything else but this life?” Yoongi shrugged his shoulders, taking a sip from his water bottle. “How do you even know Hoseok is bad? All I am sure of is that you can’t cause a scene like this. You’re diving headfirst into something you’re not even sure about. It was very brave of you to ask him to date.” He couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought of Namjoon asking a geisha out, “But pretty stupid, too. You can’t date a geisha, especially not one like Jimin. I mean...you could marry him, I guess. But even then you need to have the papers, have Jimin’s and the tea houses agreement...and if he’s so deep into a debt then I am not sure. Anyways, what you did was very reckless. You could cause Jimin more trouble when you act up, just because you think you need to play the hero in this story. If you want to see that boy again, then you need to keep your head down. Play by the rules and you’ll be able to see him again.” Gazing deep into Namjoon’s eyes, Yoongi’s expression softened, “I can’t tell you to stay away from this, right? You know he’s a geisha. It’s his job to make you fall in love with him. I mean, I’m all for going back to see...the amazing show again...but what makes you so sure of it? That he likes you? That he is in,” He air quoted the next word, raising his eyebrows,”...danger?” He lowered his voice, ”I really don’t want you to get into serious trouble Namjoon. Not for a random boy.” 

Yoongi meant well, Namjoon knew that. And still he could feel himself getting defensive at bis words. ‘Random boy’ didn't sit well with him, not after Jimin had opened up to him like that. He did have a point though when reminding him that it was Jimin's job to be mesmerizing and draw people in. Especially when he's done this since he's been a little kid, then maybe even Jimin himself couldn't distinguish properly between what he did out of habit and what he really wanted in terms of flirting.  

"Sold…," He whispered, tongue getting heavy with its weight. It was such an ugly word when talking about a human life and thinking about young Jimin being given away from his parents for money, the people who should love him and care for him the most - he couldn't imagine how it must feel like to be reminded of that every day when thinking about the "debt" Jimin had to pay that wouldn't even be there if his parents had done their job right and loved him more than anything else. He sighed deeply as he reminded himself not to judge before he knew the whole story. Maybe his parents had given him away because they loved him, and their living conditions had been horrible - or they had simply died. Instead of being discouraged or repelled by what Yoongi had told him he was now more determined than ever to be with Jimin again even if it meant to ‘play by rules’ that he hated.  

"No, you can't tell me to leave this. But you already knew that. I can't just ignore how much I like him. And I know you just want to keep me from getting hurt. But even if Jimin leads me in or this will end badly - I still have to experience it or else it will forever linger in my mind what maybe could have been and that I left him there like that even though I promised otherwise." When Yoongi nodded defeatedly Namjoon gently smiled at him. "You helped me a lot though with trying to educate me about this. And you could do even more if you would go with me again next time to keep me from fucking up again." 

“Just be careful, okay?” Yoongi said, reaching out for his friend to make him look up and not get lost in his thoughts already, “Make sure to know what’s really going on before you run headfirst into the wall. We’ve got a reputation and it’s a gentleman’s club with a lot of businessmen. We can’t just walk around and cause trouble. We’re not anyone anymore.” He smiled reassuringly, “But that also means that we do have power. All rich men have power, right?” Yoongi chuckled low. Sometimes it was still crazy to him how their lives had changed so quickly. “So...what’s the plan? Do you want to talk to Jimin?” He motioned around with his hands, “I mean….I could talk to….Jungkook if you want? You know...just to get more information about Mr. Jung. I...I think...he would talk to me.” 

Namjoon nodded. "You don't have to worry. I was overwhelmed and surprised by everything - including how much I started liking Jimin. But I won’t lose my head like this again, I promise. I wouldn't damage our business like that." Yoongi was right, a tea house was like the epitome of "the rich get a say" so he should use that power as it was supposed to be (according to Hoseok) and feed the system he didn't like for the sake of everyone involved. And if he saw it purely from a logical point of view then every private meet up with him brought Jimin closer to freedom because it meant more money. Namjoon smirked. Yoongi wasn't fooling him. "If you need an excuse to talk to Kook then yes. But something tells me I'm not the only one enjoying tea house company."

Yoongi scoffed, “I’m just enjoying the tea. They have very lovely tea.” He nodded determinately as if to underline his statement. “I like tea.” 

…

Jimin still stood in the empty tearoom, even though Hoseok had been long gone and ordered him to wash up. He was biting his lip repeatedly, his eyes focused on the floor. His jaw, where Hoseok had gripped him tightly only seconds after Namjoon was gone was still aching. But whatever Hoseok had told him, Jimin already forgot about. The image of Namjoon way stronger, his thoughts circulating around him and only him. He slid the door open quietly, gripping his robe so he wouldn’t fall over and began to walk downstairs. It was quiet in the tea house, only the cleaning ladies were working now and a few young maikos who were preparing the rooms for tomorrow's service. A smile was stuck on his lips, but in his head was a raging storm. How could have been so easy for Namjoon to break his surface, his perfect mask? No one had done that before. He had always played, twisted things around easily so he wouldn’t need to answer honestly and made people think whatever beautiful story he was telling them that it was true.  

But he didn’t want to lie to Namjoon.  

“Jimin!” Jungkook was hurrying behind the older, who had startled so much that it worried the younger only more. If Hoseok was reprimanding someone in front of Customers something really bad must have happened. “Are you alright?”  

Jimin nodded at that, stroking over Jungkook’s back lovingly and giving the younger a genuine smile. “Was your dance successful? I heard it was good.” When the maiko gave him a worried look, only humming in response, Jimin gave in. “I am fine, Jungkook. Please don’t worry too much.” Jimin walked ahead and linked his arm with the maikos, “Hoseok was just mad that I went over the time limit. It was almost an hour. If I had another customer that could have messed badly with my schedule and…and he reminded me of that.” 

Jungkook only relaxed when Jimin linked arms with him. You could always feel it when Jimin was tense; he could perfectly control his face and his body on stage, but he let his guard down around Jungkook a little more so the younger could read his body language. Jungkook was pretty certain that Jimin didn't do it on purpose but simply reacted subconsciously to him as he trusted him and so he cherished it all the more. "Wait, you went over time limit? You? And with Namjoon?" Normally Jimin was perfection personified, "You must have enjoyed it a lot when you forgot to keep track of time. What did you do? Did you dance for him? Recite something? Was he asking you to reenact a scene from Theater?" It was quite common for customers to do that as that way he could make the Geishas tell them that they loved them just by asking for a love confession scene. 

“I...I was enjoying it,” Jimin said and opened the door to their room, only then letting go of the other again before roaming around in his drawer to find a towel and not face Jungkook directly. “We just talked, actually. I mean...I danced for him. I showed him the butterfly dance.” His voice was soft and quiet. A soft, shy blush on his cheeks when he turned around. “The one I showed you? I asked for his opinion.” Jungkook’s raised eyebrows and surprised expression let Jimin chuckle, before he added quietly, “Oh and he hated it. Thought it was awful. He said I should practice some more.” Biting his tongue, Jimin was trying hard not to start laughing only waiting for Jungkook’s reaction. 

Jungkook startled at this. He knew how important this dance was to Jimin and how much of himself he had put into it. His initial surprise and joy over Jimin daring to share that with Namjoon quickly turned into shock and indignation. “He.... he what?” He would have never thought that Namjoon could be so cruel as to crush Jimin’s spirit, especially not when he shared something so personal (everyone who paid a little attention would have seen that this dance wasn’t a regular entertainment program). He had seemed so honest and kind, actually so much that he felt almost out of place around here. Apparently Namjoon wasn’t as ‘safe’ for Jimin as Jungkook had thought. “I’m...I’m so sorry.  Don’t listen to him, what I saw last time was beautiful and he has no right to say that to you! You practice more than anyone and even if you danced something right on the spot it would blow people away. He’s just... awful himself.” As the other wasn’t answering Jungkook got closer, worried about how the other must felt. It was rare enough that Jimin let a customer in so much that he actually valued that person's opinion. What a pity Namjoon had turned out to be just another stressed businessman playing his games and messing with the geishas feelings for fun, “Jimin... are you okay?” 

Jimin burst out laughing, holding onto Jungkook’s shoulder to keep himself upright but failed only seconds later when he fell onto his knees. “H-he liked it,” Jimin was barely able to catch his breath, “I’m sorry Jungkookie! He is awful himself, huh?” He was still giggling, trying to get up again, “He said I am mesmerizing…I am the one who thinks it still needs work. Namjoon is too sweet to say something mean like that. So much I figured out. ” 

Jungkook gasped in betrayal, starting to lightly slap Jimin repeatedly on his arm “Why~? Why would you do that to me?” He whined. “I am worrying about you! It’s obvious that Namjoon is interested in you and that he doesn’t know how people normally act around us so don’t mess with me like that! It makes me think he might be up for all kind of things! I don’t want to wake up to you having been abducted or some shit.” 

“Yeah, he doesn’t.” Jimin bit his lip, thinking about Namjoon’s oblivious expression each time he told him something new and smiled faintly. “Abducted? Now you’re talking nonsense. You should sleep more,” Jimin fluffed through the youngers hair and pushed him down onto his bed, before just letting himself fall onto the younger, making him squirm and giggle under him. “No more talking about customers. We got a long day ahead of us, so we need sleep!” 

…

When Jimin opened his eyes, the sun was shining through a small slit in the curtains. The thin line of bright light ran across his pillow and straight into his eyes. Blinking tiredly, he moved his head out of the bright rays and got up. He sighed, glancing over to Jungkook who had kicked his blanket all the way to the end, snoring softly, obviously still deeply asleep. Nonetheless, Jimin opened up the curtains wide. The warmth on his face felt so good as the morning sun slowly worked its magic and woke him up entirely. He opened up the window to let in a fresh breeze of air into their sticky room, hearing Jungkook groan in the back. “Good morning, sleepy head!” Jimin walked past him, ruffling lovingly through his hair. Jimin looked out of the window again, a small cloud passing over the sun and coolness swept across his face. As it made it’s way past the sun and onto the other side, Jimin wondered about Namjoon. He had dreamed about him. About his smile and his warm touch. The warmth came back and Jimin blinked his eyes as the sun shone bright again. 

A sleepy grumble diverted his attention back to the bed where Jungkook had started to stir but instead of getting up he had pulled the cushion over his head to block out the sunlight and shuffled a little to get comfortable before he went back to falling asleep. 

It only took Jimin about fifteen minutes to get Jungkook up and into the bathroom with him to wash up and get dressed. In the kitchen, Jimin prepared some water with mint and lime, as he had restricted Jungkook from drinking caffeine because he needed to care of his skin for his mizuage. And he never drank coffee himself. With a book in his hand and their casual clothing, Jungkook followed Jimin down into the garden that was a beautiful replica of a Japanese garden, complete with artificial brooks, overhanging blossom trees and waterfalls. Jimin always thought it was the most beautiful part of this tea house. Biting his lip deep in thought, Jimin wondered if Namjoon would like just as much if he’d ever come by on an afternoon. Since Namjoon visited him a couple of days ago, he was constantly on his mind. He had thought about customers before – that wasn’t the part that made him worried, but the fact that his heart was aching each time his image crossed his mind. A painful, aching stab to his heart – a yearning. Jimin had never felt like this before. He didn’t know how to sort this feeling out. So, he had tried his best – with meditation, working, dancing more than usual and choreographing new routines – to forget about Namjoon. He was a geisha after all. He needed to make sure to keep his emotions in check. Jimin had no time or use for emotions, they only got him into trouble.

Pulling Jungkook along, Jimin went straight for his favorite spot. Right under a blooming blossom tree that gave enough shadow to hide from the bright sunlight. “Come here. I bet you forgot to apply your sunscreen again, am I right?” Jimin chuckled and placed his things aside. Other geishas preferred the dance studio or library to work and train with their maiko’s and even though Jimin loved the studio it was always occupied by others and why not take such a beautiful day to be outside? Jimin looked over to the establishment, the main part of the premises. A little narrow path of stone followed from the terrace, where sometimes customers could play outside with the geishas on a sunny afternoon, which lead right into the garden. A small, wooden fence separated the official part from the personal space of the geishas. Right behind it no one was allowed in if he wasn’t personally invited by Hoseok or a dancer of this establishment. They had a small private garden as well, where they hung their laundry when it was warm outside, and a few others loved to garden but Jimin never really liked it. He hated to get the dirt from under his nails.  

But right here, under the blossom tree, Jimin was the happiest. And he only hoped Jungkook loved it here just as much. 

The geisha was stretching out his leg, his hand reaching for his toes to feel his muscles work. “Did you think about your mizuage dance, yet?” Jimin asked and intertwined his hands to stretch them over his head and behind his back, before starting to roll his neck carefully.  

Jungkook had followed Jimin like a little chicken, blindly trusting as always. Jimin always made sure they had a nice sport to train. Today’s one was beautiful as well with the sun shining down on them and flowers all around them. Jungkook wasn’t one who liked to sit around and do nothing (which made him a little fidgety when he had to wait in a room for the customers or behind the stage) but this part of the garden was so beautiful that he would have loved to just watch a little. Of course, that wasn’t an option though and when Jimin mentioned his mizuage he quickly cast down his eyes. He couldn’t help how small his voice sounded when he answered. “No. I tried to think of something but... then I remembered that all eyes would be on me and not for a dance but because... because…,” He broke off. Every geisha before him had done it as well and yet he still felt like it was an impossible task whenever he thought about dancing for the visitors with the knowledge that a few hours after one of them would have sex with him that night. 

Jimin looked up from his stretching and his heart ripped apart the moment he looked into Jungkook’s eyes. “Hey, baby, it’s okay.” Jimin got up on his knees to shift over to him, taking Jungkook’s cheeks into his hands. “I wish I could do it for you, I really do.” The geisha leaned in to place a kiss on Jungkook’s hair and sat down in front of him. “I’ll be with you. All day. It’s going to be fine. He will be nice, and it will be good. It isn’t as awful as you think.” He soothed over his soft skin and down his shoulders to take his hand in his, “And I’ll be close by wherever you are. You just have to scream my name once and I’ll come running okay?” He let go off one hand but only to raise his pinky for Jungkook. “I promise you that I will be there whenever you need me.” 

Jungkook nodded trying not to cry with how nice Jimin was, how protectively he held him. It actually made it worse because even though he always loved this about Jimin it reminded him that no one else had ever touched him and that whoever would pay the fee would be allowed to touch him wherever he wanted, and his insides felt all wrong at that thought. He wished that Jimin could protect him from that too but he couldn’t and he also couldn’t scream for him in case he got scared because Jimin wasn't allowed to interfere and if Jungkook wanted to be a geisha - and he needed to become one or else he would be stuck in his debt forever and Hoseok would cast him out if he had no value - then he had to go through with it. Causing a scene wouldn’t exactly do well for his worth so he better got his act together and did what everyone else had done before him; smile and dance and be as beautiful as he could be - while hoping that it would be over quickly. 

Jimin kissed Jungkook’s cheek softly, smiling at him in a reassuring manner, “You have your private lesson with Hoseok tonight. But I will help you.” Jimin was glad that Jungkook trusted him blindly. This way it was easy to pull the younger up with him, ordering him to close his eyes. “I want you to think of something. Something that makes you happy and feel completely yourself. Not the mizuage. Not this tea house. Anything else but this. You can make dreams come alive, Jungkook.” Jimin whispered and rushed to his bag to get out the small portable music box. He had compiled all of Jungkook’s favorite music and a few new titles, knowing that the younger would like the flow of it. “Do you have something in mind?” He asked softly, letting his hand wander down Jungkook’s back to remind him of his posture. “Think of something, someone, anything really. Do you see it in front of your eyes?” Jimin took a step back and reached for Jungkook’s sketch book and a pen, ready to scribble down notes while the other was starting to dance. He knew Jungkook hated to multitask, so just dancing and letting Jimin do the job of writing down steps would definitely help him. 

After training for an hour and choreographing, they fell against the blossom tree completely exhausted. Taking a sip from his water bottle, he gave it over to Jungkook, who drank it just as hastily. “You look beautiful when you dance, Jungkook. I wish I had that strength,” Jimin was watching Jungkook draw, while he was picking up a few daisies from the side and creating a flower crown. Both were completely immersed in what they were doing, when Jimin saw Taehyung approaching.  

Taehyung was the son of a geisha, he prided himself in being born as such and Jimin never knew what to think of him. He easily kept up a façade, training a lot and improving every day. It was admirable, if it wasn’t for his attitude. 

“He! Hoseok says you two need to get in. Customers will come soon, and you know he doesn’t like it when you’re in the main garden.” He scolded them from afar, already dressed up and fully made up in his geisha attire. Taehyung probably had early customers and as he was living in the teahouse far longer than Jimin, both of them followed his orders right away. “Oh, and Jin is asking for you two. Jungkook needs to name the colors he wants for his mizuage robe and…well, he got some bad news for you,” Taehyung added nonchalantly leading the way. The younger geisha furrowed his brows, “What do you mean ‘bad news’? What happened?” But Taehyung only shrugged his shoulders, his lips pursed. “I don’t know. Do I look like a mailman? Go and just ask him yourself. I have customers.” Fixing his hair one last time, Taehyung turned on his heel. Jimin smiled reassuringly at Jungkook and put an arm around the younger to lead him down to the tailors office. 

Leave it to Taehyung to ruin the carefree mood they had been in just a second ago. Jungkook took a hold of his flower crown to take it with him and keep besides his bed as a reminder of what Jimin had said. That he looked beautiful, which meant there would be people bidding for him. Because even worse than people bidding for his innocence would be if no one would bid for him and he had to choose to stay a Maiko or let someone that the tea house owner would choose to do it for free. He clung tighter to the flowers, hurrying down the hallway while both of them were tense and worried about the “bad news” and what they could mean. They didn’t have to go very far as Jin stood in the hallway, waving some piece of cloth that had some similarity to one of Jimin’s more expensive robes - just that there were more lose ends than there should have been. 

“Oh no, this can’t be!” Jimin’s eyes widened immediately when he saw the expensive robe ripped and torn into pieces in Jin’s hold as they entered, “What happened…d-did Hoseok see this already?” Jimin was taking the piece of cloth from the tailor carefully, eyeing it and trying to examine the damage and if he could save it somehow. But it was no use. It was completely torn. 

“A young maiko washed it wrongly.” Jin didn’t even glance up but rather looked at the sketches Jungkook had been showing him as an idea of what he imagined his mizuage outfit to be like. “A maiko? Who?” He frowned when he didn’t get an exact answer from Jin who was adamant on just ignoring him. “I don’t know. A new kid, I guess. You know that happens sometimes. You shouldn’t be giving this expensive stuff to the kids; I always tell that to you all. Can you pay it off?” Jin turned to look over his shoulder and Jimin’s face paled, shaking his head softly.

Groaning deeply as a response, Jin took Jungkook’s drawings. “I’ll take some measurements of you,” He looked the maiko up and down, “Which means no more gaining weight or losing it from now on. If you ruin my work because you thought that extra ham was too delicious…” Jin raised an eyebrow as a warning before addressing Jimin, “And you should better tell Hoseok you fucked up a satin robe. I can make you a new one but only if he gives you the money so you can buy new satin.” The house designer always had an attitude and Jimin had never figured him out. Some days he was fond of him and on other days it seemed like the other couldn’t stand him. Jimin clutched the fabric tightly, the anger boiling hot. Of course, it wasn’t his fault that the fabric was ruined. The young maiko’s always were the one’s taking cares of everyone’s stage robes and still he had no name for whom to blame. Even if he had, Jimin wouldn’t tell on him. There was no pretending, he’d rather take the punishment himself. Just like he always stepped in for Jungkook. He couldn’t count the times he had taken the punishment from Hoseok instead of Jungkook, not caring about kitchen work or anything else but the younger maiko having no trouble. 

Jungkook felt with Jimin but he didn’t move. You never messed with Jin, that was the law. If he liked you and you didn’t do anything wrong he could make the most beautiful robes for you but if you angered him or he preferred others over you out of different reasons then he could make the robe too long (which made it more difficult to walk gracefully and you were prone to falling) or a seam too tight (which could make it rip during a dance or in front of a customer which was a total disgrace and all he had to do was to say that they gained weight). The robes were incredibly expensive so each time you needed a new one it set you back, with a noticeable amount of money adding to your debt. He send a sympathetic look Jimin’s way, promising quietly to himself that he would give his first stage money as a geisha to Jimin so that he could pay the new robe. It was Jimin’s in a way anyways because without him Jungkook didn’t think he would have come that far. 

...

Knocking on Hoseok’s office door moments later, Jimin let himself in when he heard Hoseok calling out. “I apologize for disturbing,” He bowed his head, the ruined satin still in his trembling hands. He hated facing Hoseok with bad news, especially when it was about money. Slowly he raised the fabric to show it to him, adding quietly, “It somehow ripped in a washing process. I am sorry.” 

It was quiet after that statement. Eerily quiet, as if Jimin was the only person in the room. Jimin hadn’t even dared to look up at Hoseok’s face. He knew his anger all too well by now.

 “You.. what?” 

And he was used to it by now. 

Hoseok laughed, as if Jimin was telling him an especially funny joke. “It somehow ripped you said. How can something somehow rip? Especially when all the other robes manage to come out perfectly fine. Did the water have something against you? Did it magically fall into pieces? Tell me Jimin at your age and state, don’t you think taking care of your own clothes should be something you can handle? How can I let you go on stage with good conscience when I know you can’t do something as basic than washing your clothes right. This needs to have consequences.” Hoseok gave him a long look, “You understand that, right? That I can’t just let you mess up and give you more money even still you’re so deeply in debt? I wish it was that easy but it’s not Jimin. No one gets money for free.” 

...

Jimin’s hands were still trembling when he was applying his make-up moments later. He had asked a few of the maiko’s on his way over who had ruined his robe, but none of them knew and somehow Jimin had a weird gut feeling that made him question the whole story. But even if he could proof that maybe someone had wanted to destroy the robe on purpose Hoseok wouldn’t take off the money from his debt. It was his robe. He needed to care of it. So therefore, he had to pay for it.  

Jimin scoffed to himself, applying some more blush and lipstick. His hands felt too shaky, so when he messed up the perfect line he couldn’t help but curse. “I’m sorry, Kook,” Jimin mumbled when he noticed the youngers worried stare and he quickly laid his head in his arms, hiding. “Can’t we just go back to sleep? I don’t feel like serving tea today.” He whined quietly, feeling too weak and too sensitive to conquer the world tonight. “Or turn back time and lay in the sun again.” Jimin sighed deeply, raking his hands through his hair as he sat back to take a few more deep breaths.  

Jungkook was up on his feet immediately because a Jimin who wasn’t showing off the perfect smile and instead actually voicing something that you could see as unmotivated or critical speech - that meant he was really, really exhausted. So Jungkook did his best to help Jimin with his stage attire as he himself was already finished and he hoped that it might bring back the smile to Jimin’s face. 

Sometimes Jimin wished he could sell his virginity again. Just to repay more of his debt. Looking at Jungkook, who was sitting in his natural beauty right next to him made him only wish that the younger would get enough money to pay off his own. He didn’t want him to share his destiny. No, Jungkook should have a better life and Jimin would make sure that no harm would ever get to him. “I wish you could come with me tonight. I feel like I’m in need of good company,” He reached out for Jungkook, cupping his cheek in a loving manner, “Practice hard, will you?” Smiling reassuringly, Jimin motioned for Jungkook to get up, only to hold him back again, “Can you come and get me when my appointment is done? But make sure to come right to me. You know you’re not allowed to run around without makeup in the main room.” 

The younger nodded and then bravely thought that breaking another rule wouldn’t make a difference so he quickly hugged Jimin (despite his stage robe, which wasn’t allowed). He tried to make his voice sound as reassuring as possible when he promised, “Of course, I’ll come pick you up, straight line, no risks. Maybe the people are nice, and you’ll get a good tip tonight. I’ll see you in a bit.”  

Jimin would have loved to stay in Jungkook’s embrace, only parting from him with a bittersweet feeling. He didn’t want to pretend tonight. Feeling too exhausted. 

Taking a deep breath, Jimin shook the feeling off himself and tried to concentrate. When he passed the main room, the music was playing loudly indicating a small show going on. From where he stood, the geisha could see Taehyung dancing with the biggest smile on his face twirling in midst of guests as he lured them in perfectly, everyone being in a dream like state. He broke his gaze off the scenery and went upstairs to the private tea rooms, to get to the one right at the end of the hallway. None of them had really “their own” room, but this was the one Jimin used the most. It wasn’t always that he arrived before the guests, but when he’d only been booked by someone for the whole evening Jimin liked to make sure himself that everything was perfectly prepared. Another maiko was already setting the table, while he focused on the music player. The soft tunes that began to play, made Jimin close his eyes and he hummed along with the rhythm. It was calming his anger. When the maiko was gone, Jimin couldn’t help but to start singing to the music quietly. He still had some time until the show downstairs was wrapped up and the pair that booked him would be up. Jimin hadn’t really cared about the name of his visitors really, so he had only asked for the number of the tearoom his appointment was in when he passed the reception. It had been an exhausting day, one that made him wish to just go back and hide under the covers of his bed. So, when he was sitting on his knees, preparing the tea, Jimin was just fully enjoying the moment to himself.  

Namjoon had been a little nervous despite Yoongi telling him to calm down for three times now (which was a critical amount for him) so they had ended up arriving a little too soon. Namjoon had sat down to wait but the young Maiko had told them that of course they would visit the room and get themselves comfortable there because there would be already refreshments waiting and they could talk to the Maiko that would be getting the room ready before the booked geisha would arrive. When they came within reach of the room they could see that the Maiko was leaving already - and yet there was someone inside. Jimin’s angelic voice gave away who it was and Namjoon stilled, stunned into motionlessness at how beautiful it sounded. Even Yoongi stilled and listened, eyes wide at the clear but soft notes that came from the room while Jimin was walking around, almost as if he was preparing the room first and singing second, unconsciously passing the time or something. 

Jimin hadn’t noticed them observing him, that was until a choked off sound came from Namjoon who had stumbled into the room, almost knocking over something in the process. Yoongi had his hands still extended out from where he had pushed his friend hard, his eyes wide flickering over to Jimin.  

“Sorry!” He breathed out hastily, “I…I’ll go look where the bathroom is!” With that he quickly slid the door close and turned around, running off to wherever before Namjoon could get angry at him. He really didn’t mean for him to push Namjoon so hard, nor to disturb the youngers singing but Joon seemed so gone again that Yoongi was afraid he would never move again. 

“Namjoon!” The name fell of Jimin’s lips a little breathlessly, his eyes unsure as he stood with his back against the wall feeling like he had been caught doing something he shouldn’t. “Oh…you’re the couple….oh oh, I…” Jimin fell so quickly onto his knees that he flinched from the pain, biting his lip as he bowed deeply to greet his customer.  

Namjoon’s brain didn’t catch up fast enough so he interpreted the respectful gesture as Jimin having fallen so he kneeled down as well right away to help him up earning a confused look from Jimin before he realized and blushed hard. So much for not outing himself as an ‘outsider’ all the time. “Oh, uhm, thanks, I mean.. you can get up now if you want.” He nervously rubbed the back of his neck glad that he had a reason to look around with checking out the room, trying to collect himself during that time. “The room is so nicely decorated. Ah and the sacks look really delicious. Are you hungry? Do you want to eat something?” He leaned down to snack a tiny little piece of rice from one of the plates and swallowed it, “There, now you can eat freely.” 

Jimin couldn’t help but smile fondly, when Namjoon reached out for food immediately to not make him starve again. “It’s fine, thank you, sir. Namjoon, s-sir.” He shook his head, trying to collect himself quickly and ignore the racing heartbeat inside his chest. “Mr. Kim, thank you. I am not very hungry today.” Jimin held his breath, his hands on is lap, nervously playing around while he tried to keep calm. How was he a complete mess already. He had promised himself to focus on what was important. Being a geisha, getting a good tip to pay off the robe as soon as he could. “Please enjoy your food. Do you want to watch me dance while you snack, or do we wait until your friend is back?” 

It hurt more to see Jimin so reserved after the younger had opened up to him last time. Though he probably should have expected it. Jimin very obviously got reprimanded for going over time at their last encounter so he tried to be as ‘perfect’ as possible this time. “Can I request for you to call me Namjoon while we’re in private? Or would that make you feel uncomfortable?” His voice was soft, probing, ready to talk about anything else if necessary that would make Jimin feel like he had control over the situation. “I think Yoongi might take a little while. So, we should sit down maybe, and you can dance for the both of us later? If you want to that is.” 

“Namjoon,” Jimin’s voice turned soft immediately. There was no way to explain this feeling. Being in Namjoon’s company felt calming, a feeling that he wanted to chase forever. A few words and he had cracked Jimin again, making him fall into the trap. “Why do you care about what I want?” The words sounded harsher that he intended to, “I mean…It’s not like I have a choice. You tell me what to do and I will try my best to fulfill your wish. That’s what a geisha does.” 

Namjoon had understood by now that if he strayed too far from the rules he overwhelmed Jimin an as he didn’t want to scare him off he had decided to play along as much as he needed to - and let Jimin be himself as much as he could. “Yes, I... realized this. And if you really want to fulfill my wish then you can do that in a really easy way. I don’t like when everything is under my control. I feel better when I know the person in front of me isn’t uncomfortable. And I’m also a curious person. So, with being yourself, and being as honest as you feel comfortable with you’ll fulfill all my wishes at once. Does that sound okay with you?”  

Jimin nodded carefully to show that he understood but in reality, he had no idea how to be himself.  

Biting his lip in an anxious matter, he took a deep breath. Jimin turned to reach behind him to get out a game of chess he usually liked to play with all of his customers. “Do you maybe want to play?” He looked up at Namjoon, his eyes unsure and feeling insecure. Another thing that Namjoon did. It was a new feeling, never felt he so vulnerable in front of someone. Not in front of a customer at least. 

Jimin gave up. He simply gave in to whatever it was about Namjoon. Maybe it was all about him, or just because Jimin was yearning to be himself and lay down the mask he had to wear all day. For the first time in a long time someone was listening to him instead of the other way around. And Namjoon even seemed really interested. He watched the dimples appear and disappear on his cheeks, fighting the urge to just lean in and poke the soft skin. It was absolutely mesmerizing to watch Namjoon talk about his business, never before had he cared about any of his customers office work. Honestly, he found it quite boring usually – but the way Namjoon was praising Yoongi’s work and talking about his friend was making Jimin smile. “You’d do anything for him, hm. Yoongi, I mean,” Jimin asked, finally talking and moved another chess figure, looking at Namjoon with big eyes, “I know what that feels like. I would do the same for Jungkookie. I don’t want him to ever get hurt. He’s so talented.” Now that he was finally saying something, he opted that he could tell Namjoon the truth. He had wanted honesty, so as a geisha he would try and fulfill his wish, “And I am sorry for earlier, for the way I reacted. I had a long exhausting day. One of my robes got ripped…it’s all in pieces now and I don’t kn-…I’m sorry. It just angered me today. I don’t want to dwell on it, but it was one of my favorite ones. I wished I had Jungkook by my side today.” 

He was grateful when Jimin took the initiative and asked him to play - and even more so when after a while bit by bit Jimin shed his mask and let him peak through, opening up again like a blossom until in front of him there no longer sat Jimin the geisha but the soft boy that he had been lucky to meet last time.  

“I’m sorry about the robe.” He bit his lip before adding, “You can’t take gifts like that, can you? A new robe? Cause I don’t mind some money missing but you do.” He took a sip from his tea to cover up how nervous he was and then continued and is he hadn’t just offered to pay a really large sum of money just because he could. “You’re right, Yoongi and I go way back. Longer than the company, longer than even the idea of it. We weren’t always the ‘rich boys’ we started pretty low and with lots of uncertainties and hardships to overcome...” He felt a little bad talking about ‘hardships’ when Jimin was here with literally no money and no family. “It worked out though. Even better than what we imagined in our wildest dreams. What about Jungkook? How long do you know each other?” 

Jimin shook his head quickly, not daring to look up but rather moving his figure to another place. “I see your friend told you a little more about the world of a geisha?” Chuckling quietly, he added, “It wouldn’t matter. I have to pay for the ripped one either way.” He smiled faintly, motioning with his hand so Namjoon wouldn’t miss his turn. “I know Jungkook since he came here. I was very young myself and usually you only are allowed to teach a maiko when you’re a fully trained Geisha. But I wasn’t one, yet.” Gazing off into the distance, Jimin smiled at the fond memory of the shy little boy holding onto Hoseok’s hand tightly, whose eyes had been so fearful. Jimin had reached out for the young boy’s hand and ever since he never let go of Jungkook.  

“There was no geisha who could take another maiko and since…,” He hesitated, gulping heavily. “Since I was trained well already and only too young to be a Geisha, Hoseok gave Jungkook in my care. So, I did. He’s preparing his mizuage tonight,” Jimin said nonchalantly, “It’s in a couple of weeks so he has to prepare a lot and Hoseok had only some spare time tonight for him so…you know how you do a special choreography? It’s all made by yourself basically and it’s supposed to…” The geisha stopped, blinking up at Namjoon, biting his lip, “Well…lure them in to pay some good money. You only have one chance. So, he has to prepare himself well.” The last bit of the sentence was almost a whisper, a faint smile on his lips while Jimin’s eyes were flickering over the chess board – but his mind wasn’t in the game. 

The heartwarming story Jimin told him quickly turned into something way more serious when Jimin mentioned the ceremony. “He...what?” Namjoon paled visibly. He knew that Jungkook would do that eventually but Jungkook was like a child. A pretty and well trained one but still there was way too much innocence in his eyes and naivety in his face for him to ever be self-aware enough to healthily handle a one night stand. Especially if it was his first sexual encounter ever and he didn’t have a choice in when and where and how… 

The longer Namjoon thought about it the more nauseous he got but he knew better now than to stir up chaos again. No matter what he said or did it wouldn’t prevent this from happening. If anything, it would only make it worse for everyone involved. He clenched his teacup a little too tightly when he took another sip. “How... how old is he?” He wasn’t sure if the nonchalant tone of voice he was attempting was working. 

Jimin could see the obvious distraught written all over Namjoon’s face. “Twenty-one,” He smiled and reached out for him, soothing over his hand softly, “Just like we’ve all been. I…I told him I will be there. I promised him to never let any harm get to him and so far I succeeded and it…” Jimin stopped, sighing deeply. “I know what you feel. He’s sweet right? Naïve, his eyes full of wonder still. But that’s how it is in our world Namjoon. We can only hope it’s someone that appreciates the beauty he is.” His eyes wandered down to the chess game, shrugging his shoulders as if this wasn’t a big thing. As if losing his virginity to a stranger who paid you wasn’t prostitution and completely unfair. “I think you’ve won.” Jimin pointed at the chess board, smiling at Namjoon a little too forced for it to seem joyful. 

Namjoon had lost all interest in the game.  

They had all been that young... that meant Jimin as well. He could picture it too colorfully, how scared Jimin must have been, trying to stay strong for Jungkookie to not give him a bad example or let him think that it was something he didn’t want or else Jungkook would be scared of his own mizuage as well. “Who was it?” He knew he should keep his mouth shut. This was way too private, way too direct and it probably violate the rules to tell someone.. or maybe it was an open auction were the bidders prided themselves in being able to bid for a sweet Maikos virginity. “How can they do that to you?” 

“Wh-ho?” Jimin furrowed his brows, “What do you mean? Who?” It suddenly felt like the air was too heavy to breathe in, gulping hard against the lump in his throat. His heart was beating so fast that he felt it in his throat.  

Namjoon could backtrack now and pretend he had been talking about something else - but he couldn’t let go. He knew he couldn’t just push that question into the back of his mind again. He didn’t know himself what he would do if he had the answer, would he just google a random person? Nonetheless he answered in a way Jimin couldn’t misunderstand it. “Who was the one who paid for you becoming a geisha.” 

“Namjoon,” Jimin was looking at him, reaching out carefully for the other who suddenly seemed so furious and yet so frozen in his state, almost as if he had locked up every muscle in his body. There was no way he could tell Namjoon who it was. If it would have been a stranger...maybe. But it wasn’t a stranger to Namjoon. And Jimin had an awful feeling that he wouldn’t be able to take it. 

“There are things I don’t talk about as it’s an agreement between the customer and I, please respect that.” He spoke softly, hoping his voice would soothe Namjoon. Even if it was just a little bit. “Please, I am fine, okay?” He took the game board to put it aside and shifted closer to the other, holding onto him. Slowly, Jimin retreated one hand from his arm and reached for Namjoon’s cheek to make him look at him. “I didn’t get hurt and that’s all you need to know. I had an awful day already, please let’s talk about good things. I shouldn’t make you feel like this. Do you want me to dance for you? Do you want more tea maybe?���

It hadn’t been what he wanted; neither to make Jimin feel bad nor make him feel like he had to be more of service. It ached to know that this was what was normally happening, young boys tending to their customers’ needs while their own were neglected. Though getting angry now or letting out his desperation wouldn’t change anything, it would only bother the last person who should be faced with it; Jimin himself. “Of course.” Namjoon nodded resignedly. “I understand. I didn’t mean to upset you. Would it cheer you up if I brought you a gift? Something that Hoseok won’t have any intentions of taking from you because it’s just a tool or everyday use. But it’s yours if you want it and it could remind you every day that you are your own person and... that there are some people that think way more of you than you do yourself.” He thought a long time about what to get Jimin (the brooch wasn’t finished yet) because he wanted Jimin to like it - but it also couldn’t be valuable or eye catching enough for Hoseok to notice it. So, he had settled on chopsticks. They were simple really but elegant, made from high quality wood which you only saw when you took a closer look or held them in your hand. At the end there were a few small inlays, the ones Yoongi made but you could think of them as fake pearlescent paint because they were so small. Only if you knew that they weren’t painted and that the finest mother of pearl had been used you could see their true value.

Jimin held his breath, still holding onto Namjoon’s cheek as he didn’t dare to move. “Y-you…” He couldn’t even start the sentence, when he felt something burning behind his eyes. Jimin had gotten plenty of gifts before and he was always grateful for them, giving them over to Hoseok the second the customers were gone. But getting something from Namjoon was different, because it held meaning. A lot more than he wanted to admit.

He sat back on his knees, observing Namjoon who turned to get something out of the bag he had brought. Jimin was shaking, his eyes feeling too teary to see straight, so he didn’t really see it at first and only when Namjoon gently took his hands to place a box in his palm did he realize what it was. Carefully slow he opened it, his eyes glistening when he saw the beautifully made chopsticks inside, bound together with a single red ribbon. “Is…is this what you do? Is…this what it looks like?” Jimin’s voice was shaking and he let his finger soothe over the wood. “Joon,” He whispered, the nickname slipping from his lips without noticing. “I don’t want to give it to him. I want it to be mine.” A tear fell down his cheek when he looked up. 

“No, this is not what we do. Not normally.” He reached out to gently wipe the tears from Jimin’s face. So much for cheering the younger up. “We never had chopsticks before, they were specifically made for you. And I chose chopsticks because.. I didn’t want Hoseok to take them away. Use them. Don’t keep them locked away. They are there to remind you, as I said. And If I’m estimating Hoseok right then he’s a busy man. Too busy to notice what kind of chopsticks you are using especially if they aren’t shiny and new but well used. Which you should do. If you want to of course.”  Namjoon took the chopsticks out and placed them in Jimin’s hand. “I can leave them with you now and take the box with me so no one will know that they were a gift. And if it really happens that Hoseok sees them and takes them - then don’t worry. I could make a new pair, just as beautiful as those - and then I will keep them for you for when you are out of here. As your first real possession. Solely for you.”

If Namjoon only knew. Jimin looked at him, holding on tightly to the chopsticks in his hands. “When I’m out of here…,” He looked down at the chopsticks with a smile, “Yeah. That would be nice. Thank you, Namjoon.” Jimin wanted to lean in, place a kiss right on Namjoon’s cheek – just because, but he stopped abruptly.

There were footsteps.

And with a sudden heavy feeling, Jimin snapped around to look at the clock at the wall realizing they were over time again. He gasped, getting up from where he sat, looking around frantically to find something to hide the chopsticks in. Jimin knew it was probably the dumbest mistake to ever make, to hide something from Hoseok as it could cost him everything, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t let him have it. “N-no-no,” Jimin jumped behind Namjoon right in the moment when the door slid open, holding the sticks between his body and Namjoon’s back to keep it hidden. His hold around the other’s arm tightened as he peeked out from his shoulder.

“Jungkook!” He relaxed visibly at the sight of the younger, reminding him that he had told the maiko to come by after he was done with his practice and his appointment was over. An idea popped into his mind and Jimin pulled Jungkook into the tearoom, pushing the chopsticks into his hold. “Can you hide this for me? I will explain it to you later but Hoseok can’t…”

Footsteps.

Again.

Jimin simply reacted on instinct, taking Jungkook by his shoulder and pulling him towards the door that lead into the closet room, where the geishas stored some music instruments and props in between tea ceremonies and pushed Jungkook in, motioning him to be quiet. “I will explain, I promise. Just…be still…” He closed the door quickly, running back to Namjoon’s side, panting and feeling too breathless from the sudden game of hide and seek.

Just for Yoongi to peek his head around the corner. “Hey…so…ehm…are you guys done or something?” 

They stared at each other and Namjoon wondered what Yoongi was seeing as the other closed his mouth, smile fading. Jimin was still obviously shaken, his eyes glassy and Namjoon looked like he was ready to fight someone (Hoseok). “Joon?” Yoongi’s expression got serious but before Namjoon could explain there was someone calling out for the geisha. 

 “Jimin?” 

The way Jimin paled Namjoon realized that it could only be Hoseok. Of course, it was. Quickly he pulled Yoongi inside and closed the door so that Hoseok wouldn’t see them right away through the open door. “Namjoon!” Jimin whispered, his voice laced with panic as he held onto him and it was enough for his protective (and very much own panicked) mode to take over. Taking Yoongi by his arm, Namjoon hissed at him to be quiet and that he would explain it all later before he opened the door to the closet and pushed his friend inside.

Jungkook had heard Hoseok’s voice too and from how Jimin had reacted, the chopsticks that were currently in his hold must be something meaningful (he completely forgotten about the fact that he was wandering around with no makeup on and customers had just seen him like this). He gasped, pressing his palm on his mouth to not make any more sounds, realizing this must be a present for Namjoon and Jimin wanted to keep it. He quickly turned around, bending over a couple of boxes, squinting his eyes to see in the dark because the small window didn’t let much light through in the small closet. Jungkook almost lost his balance, right when the door to the closet opened again and someone kept him in place, hands firmly gripping his waist. 

Yoongi could think of way more pleasurable ways of getting pushed into a closet and he was about to make up a very angry very loud statement in his head of what he thought about being treated like that that he planned on giving Namjoon right after this was over - until he felt someone stumble in front of him. Instinctively he reached out to stable whoever-was-there hoping that it wasn’t some creep spying on Jimin. Then his fingers felt the soft satin of a robe and the tiny waist of a young boy and he realized that it must be a Maiko - or a young geisha - probably hiding for similar reasons than him. He had to fight hard to keep from chuckling at the absurdity of the situation. At least he had company (very certainly cute one).

Jimin felt awful for pushing Jungkook into the closet, but there was no way Hoseok could see him wandering around without make up and interrupting a tea ceremony. It would have been his fault, but Hoseok wouldn’t have known and… With horror he realized that he was having a full blown panic attack, his breath coming in short pants as he stared at the closed door, holding on tightly to Namjoon. He needed to stay calm. For Jungkook. For this to not blow over. He snapped around to reach for his fan, pushing Namjoon down to sit back on his knees to run around the table to get into position to make it seem like he just finished dancing. 

Jungkook very gently, but with a firm grip pulled the hands away from his hips only to snap up and press himself against the wall. His eyes were wide, his heart beating fast and it skipped a beat when he realized who stood in front of him. Tightly he held onto the chopsticks, flinching visibly when Hoseok’s voice drew closer. Jungkook saw Yoongi open his mouth and he quickly pushed his finger onto his lips. “Please,” He whimpered quietly, closing his eyes tightly, shivering from the fear to get caught.

His eyes widened when he realized that it wasn’t just any Maiko but Jungkook. Which now that he thought about it made a lot more sense. Even though Jungkook wasn’t supposed to be here he was always close to Jimin. 

He couldn’t wait for Namjoon to explain what mess he had gotten himself into this time.

This obviously was a lot more serious for Jungkook though as he flinched every time the heard feet tapping even though that couldn’t be Hoseok yet. Yoongi nodded as a sign that he had understood, and he knew that although there was barely any light Jungkook would feel his head move because of the fingers on his face. Carefully he got a step closer (a movement that had him crossing the entire distance between them because the space was so small) and leaned over Jungkook, shielding him effectively from view in case someone opened the door. 

Jungkook took in a sharp breath when Yoongi moved closer, his hand placed firmly at his back to keep him still and make sure he felt the calming presence. At first he didn’t dare to move, waiting for Hoseok to arrive but the seconds felt like minutes and so Jungkook looked up at Yoongi, one hand still holding on tightly to the chopsticks that were now hidden in between their chests while the other was slowly reaching for the hem of Yoongi’s suit jacket to hold onto it. Their gazes met and Jungkook couldn’t help but smile shyly - that was until he realized that he was wearing absolutely no makeup. His expression visibly paled and he quickly casted down his eyes, flinching once more when the door of the tearoom slid open and Hoseok’s voice came closer. Jungkook let out a small whimper, inching closer to Yoongi. 

As it was so dark Yoongi could only guess what Jungkook’s face looked like right now, he could barely make out when he smiled - but he definitely felt the youngers shudder. The small, lost sound the boy made sliced right through his heart and he held him closer, drawing reassuring patterns into the small of his back as he couldn’t talk, lips brushing Kook’s ear nonetheless as if he wanted to whisper to him to calm him down. He felt a little too helpless for his liking in their current position.

Jungkook wasn’t necessarily shuddering because of Hoseok anymore, but more because he could feel Yoongi’s breath right on his neck, tingling and making him too aware of their position right now. He could have turned around again not facing the other, but the confined space would have only made this more awkward. Opening his eyes carefully, Jungkook listened to the conversation outside, how Jimin was telling Hoseok that he just finished his dance and would accompany Mr. Kim outside soon and then return to clean up but Hoseok was adamant not to go right away. He could hear the desperation in Jimin’s voice, the nervousness and it was making him more anxious. And then there was Yoongi, whose touch felt way too good but at the same time he wasn’t supposed to be in a position like this…if Hoseok would look in the closet he would be done for. For more than one reason.

When Yoongi’s breath was making a shiver ran down his spine again, Jungkook stiffened up. Carefully his hand wandered up to Yoongi’s chest to keep a certain distance (as much as he could) between them because the urge to lean in and hug the other for real was way too real right now. He blinked up into Yoongi’s eyes, smiling a bit unsurely. 

Yoongi got that the situation was dangerous and that the tea house owner was right outside. So, playing it safe and not moving a bit would have been the best decision. Yoongi had a history of ignoring reason though and he followed that tradition by tightening his grip a little further. Jungkook’s body was pressed against his and he could feel the younger gasp quietly. They were so close now that he could feel the younger’s breath against his lips, warm and sweet and so, so tempting. This was a bad idea. Something in his stomach fluttered as if he’s had moths for breakfast. His free hand found its way to Jungkook’s face, caressing the soft skin as delicately as he could. He was so beautiful. Even when he could barely see him he just knew that the younger was full of beauty because his warm heart and cute smile proved it even in the dark.

Jungkook’s eyes widened when Yoongi touched his cheek so softly as if he didn’t even care about the rule of not touching a maiko. He wasn’t supposed to be touched in any way by a customer. And still it made his heart flutter, picking up its beat. Reaching for Yoongi’s wrist slowly, he wrapped his hand around it, for a moment he wanted to pull it off – because it was the right thing to do but the second he held onto his delicate wrist, Jungkook couldn’t tear his gaze from Yoongi’s eyes. Gulping against the lump in his throat, he stayed completely still. 

They held hands in some weird way now with Jungkook holding onto him. Yoongi had expected the boy to try and wiggle out of his grip or turn his head away. instead he held onto him for dear life - and if he wasn't mistaken then Jungkook had even inched closer. Their lips were so close to each other that it would only take a few inches for them to kiss. It was absolutely forbidden, a sacrilege, especially with a Maiko, the untouched blossoms of the tea house. Yet it was always what was forbidden that tasted the sweetest…

Yoongi leaned in and pressed his lips against Jungkooks. They were soft and warm and when the Maiko gasped in shock he unintendedly gave Yoongi the opportunity to taste him for real. Nonetheless it was a sweet kiss, careful and Yoongi retreated after a short while to not overwhelm the boy. The young maiko’s eyes were wide. Fear, surprise and a weird feeling he couldn’t distinguish mixed together, when Yoongi’s warm lips were kissing him. He reacted completely on instinct, his hold around his wrist tightening when Yoongi leaned back. Jungkook was speechless, completely frozen in his state. Yoongi felt strange, with his lips tingling and sparks at his fingertips where he still touched the boys delicate skin. He had thought that kissing Jungkook would satisfy his curiosity - though now that he’s had a taste he only wanted him more. 

Jimin bowed his head to Hoseok, who nodded to Namjoon in a respectful manner before finally turning around. The geisha stumbled back, feeling breathless, dizzy and like crying all at once. “Oh god,” He whimpered quietly, feeling Namjoon reach out for him to steady him as he felt awfully wobbly on his legs. His heart was beating so fast and hard against his chest that he was sure Namjoon could hear it. He turned in Namjoon’s hold and simply gave in to the urge to let himself fall against him. Leaning his head against his chest and wrapping his arms around Namjoon tightly. He stayed like this for a moment, only parting when he remembered their friends in the closet. “Oh…no, Jungk…” Jimin couldn’t end his sentence, still holding onto Namjoon when Jungkook stormed out of the closet, eyes wide and his cheeks blushed. 

Namjoon let go of Jimin when Jungkook came towards then because he didn’t know how comfortable Jimin was with others seeing them like that. And as he had expected Jimin straightened up the moment Jungkook was close. He looked as shaken as the geisha and went right up to him, hiding behind his back and cuddling up to Jimin so tightly as if he wanted to disappear. His eyes were wide as if he was still shocked but there was a shy smile tugging at the corners of his lips and a dark blush dusted all over his cheeks. 

With a slight creek the door of their hiding spot opened wider and Yoongi stepped out, looking as calm and collected as if he hadn’t just been stuck in a cramped space together with someone else. Namjoon immediately reached out for him trying to talk Yoongi out of getting angry and hoping that the older wouldn’t be sulky for having to hide. Surprisingly though Yoongi didn’t look like he was about to give him a hard time.

Jimin was surprised when Jungkook was hugging him so tightly, trying to hide behind him – although he was shorter than the other. “Are you okay, Kook? I’m sorry, I pushed you I will explain everything in our room, okay?” Jimin whispered, reaching behind him to reach for Jungkook’s hand to intertwine them as he felt like Jungkook was a bit shaken, thinking it was because he made him go through this nerve wracking experience.  

Jungkook just shook his head, hiding his mouth behind his hand as he had to suppress a stunned giggle. He still couldn’t believe what had happened and he wasn’t sure yet if he should let himself feel excited and joyful - or freak out about it. Jimin would know though. Jimin always knew. So, he leaned in and whispered into the geishas ear. “Yoongi, he.. he kissed me. In the closet. In the dark. He kissed me!”

Jimin’s jaw dropped. He was stunned, only for a second though and then reality hit him. Jungkook, his maiko, had been kissed. His sweet, innocent boy. He held on tightly to Jungkook, shaking from the uncertainty what to do now. Jungkook didn’t seem like it was against his will but at the same time…there was no way Yoongi had been allowed and if Hoseok would find out. Too many rules had been broken tonight. And waiting and letting time pass was only making it worse now. Jimin whined helplessly, before his gaze focused on Yoongi and he narrowed his eyes. Taking the chopsticks from Jungkook, he pointed them at the shorter man. “You...you both need to go now.” Jimin spoke as confident as he could, “Before Mr. Jung comes back…and finds out.” He snapped his gaze around to Yoongi, looking him up and down as a warning and pulled Jungkook a little behind himself just to make it clear to the other that he would keep an eye on him.

There was obviously something that Namjoon was missing because a simple whisper from Jungkook had made Jimin stare at Yoongi as if he was the devil personified. His words had been clear though and Namjoon felt like he’s brought enough chaos into the geishas life so he retreated like the other had asked him to, telling him goodbye while Jimin was already busy cleaning up, keeping a grip on Jungkook the whole time as if someone was about to snatch Jungkook away from him (even though it was really impractical during the cleaning).

They left the private rooms quickly as Namjoon wasn’t keen on meeting Hoseok again. He didn’t slow down when they were out of hearing range, but he addressed the topic immediately. “Okay, spill it. What did you do?”

Yoongi just simply shrugged his shoulders, following Namjoon outside of the building. He lifted his arm to call for a taxi, staring into the distance to wave for an empty one while adding nonchalantly. “I kissed him.”

Namjoon had to make a double take at that. “You did what? You… You of all people who told me to stick to the rules and don't fuck this up because it would bring trouble for both the boys and ourselves - you kissed Jungkook? Even I know that this is absolutely not allowed!” 

Yoongi could only be joking right?

He sat down in the taxi, telling the driver their street before answering Namjoon, “Yeah, well…you know I’m not good with following my own rules.” He raked a hand through his hair, looking at Namjoon, “He didn’t move away and Jungkook certainly liked it…so what about it? Yeah yeah, he’s a maiko. No touching allowed. But there was no room in there. We had to touch each other! If you see it this way…it’s your fault. Not mine. You pushed me in there for whatever reason.”

Namjoon shook his head, trying to get comfortable on the taxis worn seats. “Yoongi, please don't do this. Don’t mess with Jungkook just because you can.” No wonder Jimin looked at Yoongi as if he had personally offended him. “It might mean a little fun for you - but it will confuse Jungkook a lot. You saw him. And he’s already under a lot of stress because he’s currently training for his mizuage and…”

He broke off when Yoongi made an involuntary sound, something surprised and raw and for a moment his nonchalant facade broke away. Now it was Namjoon’s turn to be shocked. “Wait.. wait! You like him? Like I am into Jimin? Even though you teased me for being interested into a geisha and you told me that it’s just their job and that they are supposed to make you fall for them? You fell for Kookie? The sweet little maiko boy? You who can’t make it through the day without swearing! Well…,” He shook his head in disbelief, but he knew Yoongi too well to misinterpret his reaction, “I definitely didn’t expect that.”

A/N: Whuhu! Another sunday, another update! Don’t forget to leave us a comments on how you liked it. What do you think? Did Yoongi take it a step too far now? Will Hoseok find out ;) Will Jimin get the punishment for it....hm.........

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[ravenbrenna09]

Unattainable - Chapter Four

AO3

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bold = sending; italics = receiving

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IT'S ANGST TIME.

So, anyways, I apparently can't decide how long it's going to take to finish this story because this is now SEVEN chapters long. And, once again, I can't begin to explain how much it means to me that you guys love this story. I'm so glad to be able to share this story with each and every one. I hope to have this story finished soon, but once I do, I'm going to take a brief break from writing Sobbe to focus on my other stories. Then, I will be back, likely writing Sander's POV and some other short-stories (and maybe some chaptered ones) if you guys are interested.

Either way, hope you're ready!

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Also, I forgot this last time. This story was based this gifset by the lovely milanhendrickx (now @elus; follow her guys, she’s amazing)

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As the group of them headed into the club, where Amber's cousin and Noor's classmate from her art school had invited them all out to the party, encouraging her to not only bring Moyo but to also drag the rest of them out as well, Robbe couldn’t help wanting to turn around, go back to his bedroom, and hiding beneath his covers. 

Since he had gotten that text from Sander, Robbe had spent too much time in his room, locked beneath the covers and working on his homework with lightning speed. It was something that had been a staple of his entire school career. There were a handful of times where his emotions would get so overwhelming that they would boggle him down, prevent him from doing work, but the majority of the time, he always ended up focusing on his work harder, trying to push past the pain and using it to focus on more important things.

But, that didn’t stop him from retreating inside of his room, blocking out his friends. 

After Robbe had finished classes on Monday, he had been home by 13:00, locking himself in his room and writing out the plan for his half of the project. By the time that he had finished the introductory statement, finalized his plan, and texted Yasmina to see if it sounded good, he glanced up and realized that it was almost 21:00. Jens had been periodically trying to get the door open to get Robbe to eat, but the latter only retreated further into himself, further into his books, until the door shook from a knock and there was a light sound of his name, “Robbe.” 

Zoë.

The blonde had gotten him to open the door, get dressed, and dragged him out of the apartment to get dinner. Robbe didn’t want to talk about it and she didn’t press, reaching out to take his hand without saying anything. On the way back to the apartment, he told her that he felt like an idiot, falling for someone who was so far out of his league that he couldn’t believe that he would even like someone as plain as Robbe. Zoë had listened, questioning when she needed to, and Robbe showed her a picture of Sander on his Instagram. There was a look in her eyes like she was going to look him up later, but she listened and clung to his arm. 

“He doesn’t know what he’s missing, Robbe,” she had told him, rubbing his arm. 

Robbe wanted to believe her, but he couldn’t. 

But, now, on Saturday, he finally let Jens drag him out of the apartment, over to this club where Amber’s cousin’s friend (or whatever) had invited everyone to an old school friend’s party. One of those, you know someone who knows someone who knows someone kind of deal and Robbe had been reluctantly dragged outside of the apartment, practically forcibly dressed by Lucas (“If I have to do this, so do you”), and brought to the club. 

“Don’t worry,” Jens had teased, wrapping an arm around his shoulders as Amber bounded over them to kiss Aaron’s cheek in greeting. “If you get any unwanted attention from girls, I promise that I’ll be your fake boyfriend.”

“Hey!” Lucas called as Robbe wiggled from Jens’ grasp to hug Amber. 

The blonde gripped him tightly before grabbing his arm (and Aaron’s hand) and proceeding to drag the pair of them up to the bouncer, who willingly let them all in. Once they were inside, Amber wrapped her arm around Robbe and dragged him into the club. It was odd, to Robbe at least. The two of them were friends, but friends of friends, who only really hung out together in school and whenever their friend groups came together. 

“Are you okay?” she questioned, suddenly. When Robbe gave her a questioning look, Amber quickly continued, “Aaron said that you have been hiding in your room and Zoë is really worried about you. I know that we aren’t particularly close, but you’re important to them. So, you’re important to me too.”

“I’ll be fine, Amber,” Robbe replied. “I promise.” 

There was a worried expression that passed Amber’s eye, but Aaron wrapped his arms around Amber, pulling the girl close and effectively pulling her attention from Robbe. Her arm was quickly replaced by Jens, who guided Robbe towards the bar. Lucas let out a sigh somewhere behind them, trailing behind. “Come on,” Jens spoke up, beaming at him. 

The club bass thumped loudly. The music was pumping loudly, making Robbe feel a little dizzy. The lights had been changed to a bright florescent purple and back to a neon blue. It was a frustratingly beautiful sight to see, for sure, watching the lights flicker so drastically between one color and the next. The party-goers on either side of them were dancing, grinding against one another to the beat of the music. 

Robbe wanted nothing more to be at home, cuddled under his covers. And, it wasn’t even because of everything that had happened with Sander. If given the opportunity, Robbe would always choose a quiet night at the flat with his friends. Too many times at parties, Robbe would end up in the bathroom, hiding out from the crowd and the heavy bass drum. Ironically, the boys had all met Noor in the bathroom of Jana’s home. He didn’t like being crowded and exposed, out in public like this. 

Sure, he liked to drink and hang out with his friends, but, if given the opportunity, he would much rather be in the comfort of his own apartment.

“We’re drinking the night away.”

“I’m not drinking,” Robbe spoke, letting out a sigh as he turned towards Jens. Despite the fact that it was a party, his best friend had only dressed in a hoodie and semi-fitting blue jeans. Lucas was already half-hanging on to him, his arms around Jens’ midsection so they wouldn’t be separated in the crowd. “I don’t even want to be here remember? I’m only here because your boyfriend decided that if he had to go, then I would have to go to.” 

Jens frowned, staring at him. They arrived at the bar, leaning against the barely exposed corner of the wooden bar. Robbe pushed himself up into an empty seat along on the edge of the bar, giving him the entire view of the dance floor. Jens leaned up against the counter, purposely sitting in front of his eye line. Lucas leaned up behind him, wrapping his arms around Jens’ torso and snuggled against his shoulderblade. Jens naturally leaned back against him, his brown eyes still trained on Robbe. 

“Robbe,” Jens spoke. “It’s okay. You’re allowed to drink. Lucas and I will go ahead and make sure that you don’t go home with some random stranger.” 

Lucas picked his head off Jens’ shoulder, glaring at him slightly. “Don’t take my drinking away from me,” he spoke, light and half-hearted, but Robbe could tell that it had simply been a joke. 

There was a protective, worried look that had crossed Jens’ face as he stood opposite of Robbe. There was a concerned look in Lucas’ eyes as well, glancing over at him with a perplexed expression on his face. Since the two of them had started dating, Lucas had quickly grown to be one of Robbe’s closest friends. He was about as protective of Robbe as Jens was. Maybe even more so. The two of them were similar, more similar than they had expected, and Robbe thought that Jens would be foolish not to keep him around more. 

Lucas unraveled himself from Jens, stepping forward to place a hand on Robbe’s shoulder. “Are you sure that you’re okay?” he questioned. 

Robbe opened his mouth to respond, but someone popped up with bright platinum blonde hair. For a split second, Robbe’s mind registered it as Sander, his heart making a brief palpitation in his chest. But, as he turned, spotting the cherry red lipstick and mischevious smile, Robbe felt disappoint creep into his bones as Zoë wrapped her arm around Lucas’s arm, tugging him away. Sander wasn’t here. And, even if he was, he wouldn’t be interested in being with Robbe. 

“Hey,” Jens spoke as Zoë tugged Lucas away. “Where are you taking my boyfriend?”

“I’m taking him to the bathroom so I can put eyeliner on him!”

“No, you’re not. He’s too irresistible and we need to take care of Robbe!” 

However, despite his shout about taking care of Robbe, Jens had already turned away to blindly follow them through the crowd, away from the bar and away from Robbe, who remained firmly planted on the barstool, looking bored. However, he’s not alone for long before Milan slid into Jens’ vacated spot, a gentle, reassuring grin crossing over his face. 

The man was dressed up in his finest clothes and fittest jeans. There was a single dangling earring extending from his left earlobe, his go-to party wear accessory. There was little doubt between the three of them that Milan had dressed to impress and was willing to go all out to do so. Robbe knew that Milan, one of his closest friends outside of the “Broerrrs” and his certified “gay guru”, of all people, deserved it.

“How are you doing?” Milan questioned. 

“I’m fine,” Robbe lied. 

He wasn’t fine. 

And, Robbe was almost positive that Milan already knew that. 

“Robbe,” Milan whispered, somehow seeming like he was shouting even with the booming bass and the moving bodies around them. Robbe avoided his gaze, turning towards the bartender to get his attention. The man quickly came over, getting his order before giving the pair of them a once over. For once, Milan didn’t seem to have noticed. “I know you better than that. You’re obviously not fine.” 

Robbe let out a breath, taking his beer when it was offered. “How much did Zoë tell you?” 

“Not much,” Milan replied. The bartender nudged Milan, placing a refill of his empty glass on the counter before gesturing for the one in his hand. Milan seemed to a bit surprised, handing over the glass and blushing a little when the bartender winked at him. Robbe eyed him, grinning. “Do not think you are getting away from this conversation, Robbe. She just told me that you were with someone. They said that they wanted to take a break via text.” 

“Yeah,” Robbe replied. 

“Who was it? Do I know him?” Milan questioned. 

Robbe shook his head. “No, not personally anyway,” Robbe replied, staring down into his glass in an attempt to avoid Milan’s questioning gaze. “It was that guy on Instagram that you were teasing me about having a crush on.” 

When Robbe glanced up to him, his eyes were wide but he didn’t speak up so Robbe continued, biting nervously at his lip. 

“Anyway,” Robbe continued. “We started messaging each other and we talked about possibly meeting up last Thursday. But, then Lucas and I went to meet Noor and Moyo and he was out with them and Britt. The two of them left in an argument and he messaged me that night, asking if I wanted to meet up that night. And, I did so I went and we hung out and we kissed and if I didn’t have a midterm the next morning, we might’ve done something more.” 

Milan’s eyes went wide. “Are you telling me that you resisted having sex with a guy that you have been crushing on for months because you had a test?” Robbe gave him a look. “Sorry, I just wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. You have a lot more restraint than I would have.” Robbe nodded his head and Milan replied with an offended expression. “So, what happened?”

“I went over to his place on Thursday, then again on Friday,” Robbe informed him, crossing his arms over his chest and letting out a sigh. “I don’t know. It was nice and we were having a good time. Or, at least, I thought we were. But, I don’t know, I felt like there was something that he didn’t want to tell me.” 

“Like, you were a secret boyfriend or something else?”

Robbe shook his head. “I don’t think it was that,” he admitted. “We were in the kitchen and there was a knock on the door. I don’t know. There was just this change to him like he got tense and scared all of a sudden.” Milan nodded his head, patting his arm. “I tried to ask him about it, but he didn’t want to talk about it. I guess I’m worried that I pushed him too far and that I was stupid-” 

“Robbe,” Milan spoke up, effectively cutting him off. “You’re not stupid.” 

Robbe shook his head. Milan looked at him exasperated. “There was no way that someone like him, someone with so many followers would’ve looked at me and picked me,” Robbe mumbled. 

“Robbe, stop,” Milan cut him off, stepping forward as someone shuffled past them. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I must’ve done something.” 

Milan sent a pointed look in Robbe’s direction as Robbe glanced around the club. The music was thumping against Robbe’s ear, loud and obnoxious, and the lights were still flickering between bright florescent colors that bathed everyone in light. Out on the dance floor, Robbe managed to spot Jens, who had managed to rescue Lucas back from Zoë. They were dancing, kissing, and being that obnoxious couple. He could see the back of Moyo’s head, talking with Aaron and Amber, and Noor was with Britt, dancing in the midst of the crowd and twirling each other. 

But, as Robbe moved to glance back at Milan, his eyes caught platinum blond hair and his breath caught in his throat. 

Sander. 

The man in question was across the room, talking with a group of guys that were talking excitedly to him. He was recounting a story, judging from the way he was moving his hands. He was wearing a white t-shirt, no leather jacket, and Robbe wouldn’t have been surprised if he was wearing his Doc Martens. He always wore at least one. He could tell that Milan was talking, but Robbe couldn’t hear him, a combination of the music and the fact that his focus was somewhere else.

A girl cut through the crowd of boys. She was as beautiful as Sander was, brown hair flowing down her back and wearing a long-sleeve crop-top and jeans. The girl wrapped her arms around Sander’s neck, standing on her toes to press a kiss against his lips, cutting him off mid-sentence. The guys that were around him cheered, whooping and hollering, as Sander wrapped his arms around the girl’s waist, kissing her back and dragging her closer against his chest, as she dragged him towards the dance floor. 

“Robbe,” Milan broke through, his hand on Robbe’s shoulder. 

Robbe blinked, bringing him back to reality. There was a concerned look on Milan’s face, scanning his face and reaching out to hold his arm. Robbe opened his mouth, closing it immediately afterward, trying to find the words but couldn’t find any. His eyes went back to the dance floor, there were too many people, too little room, and Robbe felt the overwhelming desire to flee, to get out of the club. He couldn’t be here. 

He didn’t even realize that he was starting to flee the club until he heard Milan shouting his name. His shout cut through and over the music, likely alerting their already concerned friends of his flight. But, he couldn’t think about that right now. He just needed to get out of there. Robbe shoved past people, headed in the general direction of the door, slammed into the wall, and followed the length of it until he found the door in question, throwing the doors open. The door hit the bouncer, who was standing outside, and he yelled at Robbe, but the brunet fled over the rail, turning left, and walked as fast as he could to create a vast difference between him and the club.

He needed to get away from the party and it’s pounding lights. 

He needed to get far away from Sander and the mysterious brunette girl. 

Despite Milan’s words, he couldn’t help but feel completely one-hundred percent stupid.

There were many reasons that Robbe felt stupid. But, the one, overwhelming thought that seemed to drown out all the others, pounding against his skull, was… Robbe kept walking, putting one foot over the other, getting as far away from that club that he could’ve gotten. He couldn’t hear the shouts of Milan or his friends anymore, replaced instead by the insistent buzz of his phone in the pocket of his jeans. His feet took him to the pier, over the railing, before his legs collapsed beneath him. 

Robbe shoved his eyes closed, tears spilling from the corners of his cheeks. 

How could he really believe… how could he really believe that someone like Sander, so beautiful and breathtaking, would be interested in someone like Robbe? There was a sea of people, a sea of people that followed Sander, and somehow, he had taken a look at Robbe and thought that he wanted to date him? It had been too good to be true, that Robbe’s fantasy crush on a famous Instagram profile would be interested in him. But, now that it was over, that it was out there that he had been right all along, Robbe felt like his chest was being ripped open. 

It was too much. 

Robbe let out a scream, screaming out his frustrations and his anger, but not at Sander, but at himself, for being so, so, foolish. He didn’t care if someone found him, a police officer, his friends. He didn’t care. He just needed to scream. Frantically, he pulled at his hair, trying to give himself some relief to this bloodcurdling emotional pain that was ripping apart his chest and his lungs, but it did little to improve anything. The only thing it did was make Robbe’s scalp and throat raw. 

Fishing his phone out of his pocket, Robbe’s fingers found a familiar name on Instagram and sent a message:

I know it’s late.

And I completely understand if you say no.

But, I can’t be around the guys now.

Can I come over?

Three bubbles popped up on the chat before Nick’s reply came to.

Sure. 

Apartment 304.

What’s wrong?

Robbe didn’t answer, pushing himself to his feet and heading off to a new destination.

…

Robbe woke up alone and in a strange place. 

His head was pounding, likely from the alcohol that he drank once he had gotten to his destination in an attempt to drown the voices in his head, and his body was completely sore. But, he knew that it likely had to deal with the fact that he slept on a strange couch than anything else. His shirt and jacket were folded on the coffee table, he had spilled a quarter bottle of vodka on himself, he remembered, and his shoes were on the edge of the table. 

It took a little to remember where he had gone. 

He groaned, reaching for his phone which was plugged into the wall behind the couch. However, before he could check his messages, fire off an I’m fine text, someone was sitting down on the coffee table and extending him a cup of water and some medicine. He glanced up, half-expecting it to be Nick, only to find a girl with black hair and green eyes that looked similar to Nick. He took the medicine from her, giving her a thankful smile, before he swallowed it down, “Thank you.”

“Your friends know that you’re safe,” the girl informed him, crossing her arms over her chest. “They were calling you and frankly, the constant ringing had started to become annoying so I answered the phone to let them know since you had passed out on the couch and Nick had already gone to bed. I hope that’s alright.” 

“Yes,” Robbe replied, grimacing at the bright light that poured through the curtains. He extended his hand towards the foreign girl. “I’m Robbe.”

She took his hand. “I know,” she stated, matter-of-factly and to the point. “I’m Nick’s sister, Clara.” 

“Oh.” 

“Nick had to go to work. He didn’t want you to wake up alone,” she continued, pushing herself to her feet and moving further into the apartment. She stopped before disappearing down the hallway and glanced back at him. “Nick said that you could use his shower if you needed it.” 

“I’m good, thank you,” Robbe mumbled, reaching out to grab his folded shirt from the coffee table. He slipped it on before getting up off the couch. The blanket that had covered him slipped off his shoulders and he quickly started folding it up. “I need to be getting back to my apartment. Where is this blanket from?”

“Back of the couch,” Clara informed. Robbe nodded his head, placing the thin sheet where it belonged. She hovered in the doorframe, watching Robbe put on his jacket, shove his phone in his pocket, and slip on his shoes. Her gaze was scrutinous and protective. It was likely that Nick had told Clara of Robbe before. But, if not, she definitely knew who he was after last night when he had shown up, unable to bear the thought of going home, and drinking a bottle of vodka. 

Robbe couldn’t blame her. 

“Thank you for letting me stay on the couch,” Robbe said, patting down his pockets as he moved towards the front door. He had his phone. He had his (wired) headphones. He had his keys. He was good to go home and leave the apartment that he had fled to. Somehow, that made it even worse, knowing that he was likely going to walk into a house filled with his overprotective friends who were, likely, angry that he hadn’t called. 

“You’re welcome,” Clara replied, her voice sounding softer than it had been before. “I… uh, I hope things get better for you. Whatever happened.” 

Robbe nodded his head, leaving the apartment. Clara closed the door behind him, locking it swiftly, as Robbe navigated his way to the elevator. By the time he was there, his backup headphones were in his ear, music blasting on the loudest he could manage, trying to drown out the world and his thoughts. The elevator ride was slow, leisurely, even though it was only three floors, and Robbe couldn’t have been more thankful when it opened into the lobby. 

As he was leaving the lobby of the apartment complex, he passed by someone carrying in bags of groceries and they bumped shoulders. He mumbled out a “sorry” before continuing on his way. Robbe didn’t glance up from his phone because he typing out a message to Jens to let him know he was headed to the apartment. He had enough people mad at him and he didn’t feel like getting yelled at for the fact that it was still partially difficult for Robbe to walk in a straight line.

… 

To Robbe’s surprise, he arrived at an empty apartment.

None of his friends were home, or in their rooms, and he wasn’t bombarded with questions about where he was and what he was doing. There was the faint sound of music coming from Moyo and Noor’s room, likely Noor working on a sketch for her firm or her latest spray-painting masterpiece, and Robbe headed into his room, closing the door lightly so he wouldn’t disturb her. He took off his clothes, switching the jeans that he had slept in for baggy sweatpants and a different shirt, tossing both articles aside before climbing in his bed. 

His phone unlocked to the flatshare group chat and he remembered his promise to let Milan and Zoë that he had made it home.

Robbe: I’m home.

Milan: Good, I’m glad that you made it home safely. 

Zoë: I’m glad that you made it home safely as well. 

Zoë: Are you okay, Robbe? What happened?

Despite all the pain and misery wrecking around him like a tornado, his heart swelled at Zoë’s message. He was glad that they were still friends since he moved out of the flatshare. Robbe started typing out a message about how they didn’t need to worry about him anymore because they didn’t live together. But, he paused, his thumb hovering over the send key, before he deleted the message and started again, sending that message without hesitation. 

Robbe: I don’t want to talk about it.

Milan: Robbe, I know it’s painful, but both of us are worried about you.

Milan: You ran out of a club and didn’t tell anyone where you were going.

Milan: I know you’re upset. But, you really worried all of us.

Robbe: I’m sorry.

Zoë: We know you’re sorry.

Zoë: We just want to make sure that you are okay. 

Zoë: You know that Milan and I (and Senne) are there for you. No matter what. 

Milan: Yes, to all that. 

A new message popped up in the group chat. It was Senne. Robbe blinked. Despite being a member of the group chat since it’s fruition, the man hardly ever used it. He liked to sit back and watch their bickering back-and-forth about whatever, but he hardly ever sent a message in it. Most of the time, his messages came through Zoë’s phone. 

Senne: We’re worried about you.

Milan: Oh, wow, Senne’s using the group chat. You know it’s serious.

Robbe paused biting down on his lip before typing frantically, tears starting to slip from his eyes when he sent the message. 

Robbe: I saw Sander kissing a girl.

Robbe: I needed to get out of there.

Senne: Sander?

Zoë: The same Sander that texted you last weekend that the two of you were moving too fast and that he needed a break?

Robbe: No, the one that I hooked up with three years ago.

Robbe: Yes, that’s the one.

Milan: Well, at least we know one thing.

Milan: His sarcasm still works.

Zoë: He doesn’t know what he’s missing Robbe. 

Senne: I’m confused. Who’s Sander?

Before Robbe could even figure out what to say, someone was already typing out a response.

Milan: He’s an Instagram famous artist who Robbe had a crush on, then started dating, but then he said that he needed a break.

Senne: Gotcha. 

Desperate for any other conversation, Robbe quickly turned the conversation away from him. 

Robbe: How’s wedding planning?

Zoë: Excellent. Speaking of which, I want to take the three of you out.

Zoë: To shop for your tuxes! 

Milan: Did you guys move up the wedding without me realizing?

Robbe: I was going to ask the same thing.

Zoë: No, we didn’t, but I want to make sure I have the right idea for your tuxes, so that was as it gets closer, you can go rent them.

Zoë: Please? How does Thursday at noon sound to everyone?

Zoë: Don’t even try to lie your way out of it, Milan. You need to look nice!

Zoë: Besides, you never know who you might meet.

Milan: Are you trying to tell me that you’re going to set me up?

Milan: At your own wedding?

Shopping for tuxes was the absolute last thing that he wanted to do. Since Zoë and Robbe had become close, she had been trying to get Robbe into more “fitting” clothing. Robbe hated clothes were tight on him. It made him feel a bit self-conscious. Robbe was athletic and had muscles that he hid beneath his clothes, but no one seemed to get it. Back when Robbe wasn’t out, the others used to joke that all Robbe had to was take off his shirt to get a girl. But, Robbe was comfortable with all of his clothes hanging on him, seeming to be a few sizes too big. Plus, he didn’t like to dress up either. So, doing both at once, it would be a literal nightmare.

But, he also knew that Zoë would get him in one eventually.

Robbe: My class ends at 11 so I’m free after that.

Zoë: Milan? 

Milan: Fine. Sounds good to me. 

Milan: Promise you’ll make me look good?

Zoë: Always.

Milan: Just let us know where we’re supposed to go. 

Robbe: Yes, please.

The door to his bedroom opened and Robbe glanced up. It was Jens, standing there with his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and watching him with a perplexed, worried expression. “You okay, man?” Jens questioned, closing the door behind him before walking over to him. “We were all really worried about when you disappeared like that.” 

“I know,” Robbe whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“Where did you end up going?” Jens questioned. 

“A pier near the club,” Robbe replied. “I screamed at the ocean. Then, I texted Nick to see if I could come over.”

Jens’ eyebrows disappeared beneath the hair that had fallen against his forehead. “Nick? As in the guy you liked back in high school?” Robbe nodded his head, glancing down at his phone. “Where did you two run into each other? Last I checked, he had you blocked on social media and you hadn’t talked since you… well, you know?”

“Yeah,” Robbe replied, letting out a breath and squeezing his phone. “We ran into each other last Thursday and I apologized. I’m sorry I just… I didn’t want to come home and have to answer a billion questions about what was going on. I just needed to not be here. He let me sleep on the couch and got me another bottle of vodka.”

Jens nodded his head. “You know that we’re always here to talk, right? I know the last time that you went through something major, you felt like you couldn’t talk to any of us. But, we’re here for you.” 

Robbe nodded his head. “I know, Jens. I know.” His best friend smiled, patting his shoulder. “I do need to get started on some school work or I’ll be behind all week.”

Somehow, Jens’ eyebrows shot higher than they did last time. “You’re going to do homework while hungover from at least two bottles of vodka.”

Robbe shrugged his shoulders, reaching out for his backpack and pulling out his laptop. “When else am I going to do it?” Jens laughed, leaving the comfort of Robbe’s bedroom, making a comment about how he’ll break down the door if Robbe refuses to eat again. The brunet laughed, checking his phone one last time before he started studying again. 

To his relief, there wasn’t a fresh text message on the screen (or, maybe, dismay because there wasn’t a text from a bleach-blond man about what had happened, an explanation about what was going on, even though he didn’t know Robbe was even there) so Robbe tossed his phone aside and cracked open his textbook.

…

Hey Robbe. 

Lucas and Noor seemed pretty worried about you on Saturday. 

Are you okay?

At this point, Sander’s messages were seared in his mind. He didn’t need to have his phone open or on the messages to see the words. They were screen-printed on the inside of his eyelids, popping up whenever he closed his eyes, blinking. He didn’t even need to have an Instagram notification to be reminded of them either. Ever since Robbe had been dragged by Jens and Noor (both demanding a brief explanation) to lunch on Sunday and came back to find them on his phone, sent to him while Robbe had been studying, he seemed to be constantly focused on them, trying to decipher their hidden meaning.

He’s just trying to be nice, Robbe finally decided on Tuesday. 

There was nothing there.

He had already moved on. 

Robbe told himself this so many times that he believed it. Sander had moved on. Robbe should do the same. 

So, why was he on Sander’s Instagram every day?

Robbe blamed it on habit, constantly checking his Instagram feed, scrolling absent-mindedly past photos of his friends and skaters, looking specifically for someone with platinum blond hair and a leather jacket. There were absent-minded sketches that he would post, but only half unfinished or shot in a way that didn’t reveal the entire picture. A shoulder here, a sketch of the bakery across the street from his apartment (which Robbe only knew because he stopped had there once he had left Nick’s apartment), an empty warehouse. 

Sander carried on with his life, moving between posting photos and holding Instagram lives. And, despite the voice in the back of his head that tells him that he shouldn’t, Robbe watched every one of them. He would hide his phone, put his wired headphones in one ear, and listen to them. Every time there was a new, foreign voice off to the side, his heart clenched because there’s a thought in his mind, what if it was that girl? 

But, it never was. 

As the week went on, Robbe felt like there was little that he could do to move on. He was doing it to himself, sure, because Robbe was the one seeking out Sander and his Instagram posts. He had shut off notifications from Sander’s profile, unable to bear the thought of opening one up and seeing a vague reference to any relationship, but he was constantly the one that was opening up the app, typing in Sander’s profile name, and staring at his photos, both new and old, that popped up on his profile.

His phone buzzed. 

Another message from Sander and he felt like his heart might come loose in his chest. 

When Robbe opened it up, his eyes caught sight of his own image sketched on a piece of paper. The picture depicted Robbe in bed, wrapped up in sheets, eyes closed and his hair all messed up, from sleep or sex or maybe even something else. Beneath the sketch, there were words, so small that Robbe had to pull up the picture and zoom in to properly see it. 

In another universe...

Robbe’s heart thumped in his chest, the ramblings of his professor long forgotten as he turned to the message, looking it over. Yasmina sent him a knowing look as she reached over to tap his shoulder. His teacher was looking at him disapprovingly, but Robbe couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

Not right now, anyway.

… 

“Quit squirming!” 

Robbe flailed. “You’re choking me!” 

“Well,” the bride-to-be replied, giving him a pointed look as she fiddled with the deep red cloth in her fingertips, “If you stopped squirming like a child, you wouldn’t be choking while I’m trying to tie this dang thing.” 

From their spots on the couch, Milan was laughing. In fact, he was laughing so hard that his voice had gone quiet, unable to be heard anymore. His phone was forgotten on the couch, his arms wrapped around himself, and lightly wheezing. Robbe didn’t understand what was so funny about the entire thing, but even Senne had an amused look on his face, but that might’ve just been because of Milan. 

Robbe felt weird. Neither of the other men had tried on stuff yet. Once they had walked into the store, Zoë had grabbed Robbe by the back of the neck and practically forced him to be chosen first. Robbe didn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. At least, he didn’t have to wait patiently for the rest of them, dreading being summoned to change, but at the same time, he felt weird being the only one dressed up. 

“Milan,” Zoë spoke up, moving away from Robbe. “It’s your turn.”

Milan’s laughter turned into protests as the blonde grabbed his hand and dragged him into the dressing room.

Robbe watched the two of them disappear, digging his hands into the pockets of the trousers that he had been forced into. Even though Robbe knew that they fit exactly the way that they were supposed to, the clothes felt too tight on him, too constraining. But, Robbe was used to buying and wearing clothes that were consistently one size too big, hanging on him like protective armor. Robbe thought this was a lot of work for a suit that he was only going to wear a handful of times. Robbe had never been the type of person to dress up and the less that Robbe had to do it, the better. 

But, it was for Zoë and her wedding. 

Plus, if Robbe was going to walk her down the aisle, he needed to look nice or he might screw up the photos.

“You look nice,” Robbe blinked back into reality as Senne pushed himself up from the couch. The older brunet snagged the cloth from around Robbe’s neck, working on tying it together with a lot more grace and sureness than Zoë had displayed. When Robbe tried to squirm away, Senne pulled him back lightly by the jacket of the suit he wore. Then, just like that, the tie was complete. “There.” 

Robbe glanced down at his socked feet before returning his eyes to Senne. “I feel like a fucking doll.” 

“At least you look good,” Senne laughed, stepping out of the way of the mirror and practically forcing himself to look at his reflection. “It’s amazing how good you look when you’re actually wearing clothes that fit you properly.” 

“Careful, Senne,” Robbe mumbled, staring at his reflection. Despite the level of discomfort that Robbe was feeling in these trousers and jacket, he had to admit that he did look nice. The trousers, the white button-up, and the jacket fit him perfectly. It was almost as if the articles of clothing were perfectly tailored to his appearance. “I don’t want Zoë to think that I’m attempting to steal you from her.” 

Zoë had returned, moving up in front of him and buttoning up his jacket. “If it has to be anyone, I’m glad that it’s you, Robbe,” she spoke, smiling. Robbe laughed, the first genuine laugh that he’s made in days, and Zoë’s eyes lit up as she stared at him. “See, look! You’re so handsome when you wear the right clothes!”

“Are you trying to say that I’m not handsome in the clothes I currently wear?” Robbe spoke, sticking out his bottom lip in a pout. 

Zoë sent him a glare, lightly slapping the side of his face. “That isn’t what I meant and you know it.” Robbe laughed, shoving her hand away as she attempted to unbutton the jacket. “I’m sorry. I’m just trying to figure out which one looks better. I want you and Milan to look uniform! Plus, you never know who you might meet at the wedding. You might meet the man of your dreams and, if you do, you must look your best!” 

Robbe’s heart sank, but he tried to put on an optimistic smile as he spoke, “Please, whatever you do, do not set me up at your wedding.”

Zoë laughed, moving back towards the fitting room. “Milan! What in the world is taking you so long? You put one leg in than the other.” Seene laughed, throwing his head back as he did so. 

The man of his dreams…

Robbe’s heart sunk because he thought that he had already found him, the man of his dreams, in every universe. Maybe, that was why he couldn’t move on or try to move on or even think of moving on. There was no man of his dreams in his future, because he was rooted in the past, in the back of his mind, back in an abandoned pool and on an Instagram profile. 

Sander.

His mind instantly brought up the memory in the alleyway after fleeing the pool, the dazzling, dazed grin of his as their hips rolled together. Then, the image switched to the two of them back in Sander’s bed after dinner on Thursday, going a little too far but never crossing into more, tasting of pizza and each other. How happy Sander had looked in that moment, hanging over him with his hands beneath his shirt, trying to get it off of him again before snuggling into the crook of his neck just wanting to be with each other. 

Then, it’s quickly squashed by Sander kissing the girl in the club, washing over him like a bucket of icy cold water.

Robbe let out a sigh and Senne sent him a worried look, opening his mouth to say something. 

“Hey.” 

The two of them turned towards the front of the store, to whoever had interrupted him, and Robbe’s heart practically catapulted out of his chest. Sure, there had been some internal part of him that had been wishing and hoping that he might show up, to explain, but that didn’t give Sander the right to actually show up so unannounced and unconcerned with the fact that Robbe was struggling to breathe. 

It was highly unfair, Robbe mused, that Sander could manage to look that breathtaking so easily. He was wearing a beige beanie over his head and his black leather jacket around his shoulders. He wore a black band shirt, the rare pair of blue denim jeans, and his Doc Martens. Despite the fact that there was a slightly nervous grin on his face, Robbe could see the bags beneath his green eyes and the sadness in them as they stared deeply at him, flitting over his body as if he was trying to take it all in.

“Hey,” Robbe managed to force out. 

Senne’s eyes flickered over to him, understanding over his eyes. “Sander, long time no see,” Senne spoke, curtly. Robbe glanced at him, surprised. 

Sander blinked, turning his gaze towards Senne like he hadn’t even realized that there was someone else near Robbe. Then, there seemed to be a brighter grin on Sander’s face. “Senne,” Sander greeted, practically beaming. “It’s been a bit.” 

Senne nodded his head, glancing at Robbe, who was silently demanding an explanation. “Remember when I moved out of the flatshare after Zoë and I broke up?” Robbe nodded. How could he forget? He was the one awake at seven, hanging out in the hallway, trying to give them a moment of privacy. Even when he had spotted Robbe in the hallway, stopping briefly, Senne had blown right past him, concealing his emotions, as Robbe went to comfort Zoë, who was sobbing in the kitchen. “Sander and I were roommates in another flatshare.”

“Oh,” Robbe spoke up.

Senne turned back to Sander before glancing back at Robbe. “I’ll go see what’s taking the two of them so long.” 

Robbe nodded his head, his throat getting dry. Senne stepped away from them, moving towards the dressing room where Milan and Zoë had disappeared to. “Okay,” Robbe managed. Senne stopped, glancing back to him, trying to remain impassive. “Don’t forget that you have to try one on too. You are the one getting married after all.” 

Senne grinned at him. “I’ll wait until you get dressed back in your baggy clothes. Don’t want to show you up and you get jealous.” After Robbe flipped him off, he disappeared down the hallway.  

Robbe glanced towards Sander, who was still rooted in the same spot. The blond’s green eyes were still flickering over Robbe, dressed in the suit that Zoë and the attendant practically had to force on him. As Robbe took a step towards him, Sander’s eyes returned to his face before briefly glancing over Robbe’s shoulder. He pivoted to see, but there was no one there. When he turned back around, Sander was looking at him again.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Robbe echoed, wrapping his arms around his body. He wasn’t entirely sure why he did it. Maybe it was to guard him against Sander, to protect himself from whatever might happen next. Maybe, it was to hold himself back from throwing himself at Sander, attacking his lips with his own and kissing him until he never thought about the girl at the club again. But, Robbe knew that he had needed space. Or, at least, that’s what he had said. “What are you doing here?” 

Sander seemed surprised. “I was walking by on my way back from lunch with a friend from school and saw you so I thought I would come in to say hi,” he replied, gesturing towards the door. Robbe felt a hot flash of jealousy that flashed through his system, causing every nerve in his body to ignite like a flame. “You look nice.” 

“Thanks,” Robbe replied. 

“I’d rate it five stars on booking,” Sander spoke, a slight lift to his voice, the flirtatious tease in his eyes as he stared at Robbe, his eyes going up and down his body, slowing and surely. 

While his mind and heart did thump a bit at the implication, the jealousy in his gust was quickly replaced with anger. Robbe didn’t understand Sander, didn’t understand anything at all about this entire situation. One minute, Sander was telling Robbe that he needed a break that they were moving too fast and not even a week later, he was dancing at a club with a girl (and, according to Milan, who had told Robbe even though he didn’t really want to know, it was not innocent). Now, he was standing here in front of him, acting as if nothing had ever happened, and flirting with him (and undressing him with his eyes). 

“How was that girl at the club?” 

Sander blinked. “Huh?” 

“At the party on Saturday,” Robbe continued, his fingers at his tie as he undid it, or attempted to. “The girl that you were dancing with and kissing.”

“Oh,” Sander whispered. 

“What was she?” Robbe questioned. 

“Nothing compared to you.” 

Yeah, right. Robbe turned away from him, heading back to get into his jeans and hoodie. 

“Robbe, wait.” 

“Sander,” Robbe spoke, turning back around. Sander looked as grief-stricken as Robbe felt. His stomach ripped apart at the sight of Sander, who was always so confident, so sure of himself, looking as upset and unsure. “I don’t understand what’s going on.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” Sander confessed, his voice so quiet that Robbe almost missed it. 

“I’m already hurting,” Robbe replied. There’s a look that crosses Sander’s face before he looked at his feet and Robbe stepped away, unable to stand there any longer. 

As Robbe turned the corner into the dressing room, Zoë practically ran into him, a confused look on her expression. She looked like she was about to pull him out to where he had just been with Sander. But, she must’ve caught sight of the blond artist because she didn’t. She wrapped a protective arm around him, pulling him back in the dressing room. 

…

Sander posted a picture on Thursday night. 

Well, that’s not true. It was late on Thursday night, so late that Thursday night had blended into Friday morning. Robbe should’ve been asleep, sleeping or trying to get some sleep, before he had a class in about, he squinted at the time, eight hours. But, Robbe had fallen asleep, waking up rather violently because he dreamed of the blond artist stripping him of his clothes and pressing heated kisses everywhere that Dream Sander could’ve possibly touched. 

So, despite having class in the morning, despite the fact that Robbe was still disappointed that Sander had found him in that tuxedo shop but didn’t offer a real explanation about what had happened and why it had all happened, Robbe was sitting here in the middle of the night, his eyes glued on the phone and his finger hanging in the air, trying to decide if he should like the picture. 

Robbe lowered his thumb, staring at the picture. 

Sander was standing in a wooded area, looking down at his camera. But, it wasn’t right. It was like the negatives were out of place or purposely manipulated to where it looked like it was flickering, not matching up. It was like he, or the camera, had completely glitched out. There was a red echo on the photo, of Sander’s face, his hands holding his vintage camera, the trees behind him. 

His eyes dragged over the caption beneath it.

Lived with the best times Left with the worst

Robbe’s mind had felt the familiar pull of the lyrics and it’s only a quick Google search to confirm his suspicions. 

David Bowie. 

Robbe locked his phone, dropping it on the bedsheets. He turned over, wrapping the sheets around his shoulders. Despite the fact that everyone had been asleep, the apartment was too loud. He could hear the sound of Jens’ snoring. He could hear the sounds of everyone outside. It was all too loud. Letting out a frustrated sigh, he opened his phone again, pulling up a random playlist, and setting it back down. 

David Bowie played through his phone’s speaker and Robbe let out a sigh, relaxing into the sheets and slightly praying that he wouldn’t dream of Sander again. He wasn’t for sure if he could wake up again into the universe where they weren’t together and his heart would break again because the dream wasn’t real.

[elcorhamletlive]

what kinds of things, narratively speaking, do you think help keep stony stories from being too tony-centric? it seems like a lot of the time, even if a story is about steve growing and changing, he's learning something from or about or for *tony*, whereas stories where steve helps tony love himself more or whatever still has the focus on tony's journey. what sorts of writing choices do you think can balance that or what kind of stories do you think are more entirely steve's?

tony-centric ask anon here again. for maybe a better example, stories where tony does a bunch for steve -- like, makes him a bunch of armor, tech, or whatever -- often seem, regardless of POV, like they're "tony is so generous and giving" stories, while a lot of times stories where steve does a bunch for tony -- helps him have better eating and sleeping habits, makes art for him, etc -- end up feeling like "tony is so great and deserves so much" stories. hope that makes sense.

-

This is an very interesting question, Anon. I’ll do my best to help!

I want to start this reply by pointing out, though, that a fic being Tony-centric is not, by any means, a problem that needs correction - it’s a totally valid writing choice! I know you didn’t imply that it isn’t, but I feel like sometimes people send me messages acting as if I think like that, and I just wanted to take a moment to clarify this is not the case.

That being said, I feel like this question is more about a situation where you want to write a fic that’s Steve-centric, but struggles on how to do it. And that seems to be something that happens to many people, because when you have a favorite character, it can be hard to not focus on them every time they’re in a story - so, if someone is a huge Tony stan, it can be hard to keep the focus of a fic in any other character when he’s around.

When it comes to the example you’ve mentioned, though, I feel like the specific actions being compared are seen differently because they differ a lot in terms of scale - I find that, in stories where Tony does a bunch for Steve, he’s usually doing very over-the-top things that are only possible because of his wealth and genius. These are things that end up being more about how great Tony is because they’re simply not things any other character could do for Steve, and I think this colors our perception of the situation. Meanwhile, the things Steve is usually shown doing for Tony (such as making him art or trying to help him sleep better) are more mundane things that most people could do for their loved ones. So I think the difference in the framing ends up being a result of that, as well.

As for writing choices that can help balance a story, I feel like a good thing to do is ask yourself a) what is the main conflict of your fic and b) what is the resolution for this conflict (if there is one). Keep in mind that conflict here just means “a conflictint force that pushes the story ahead”, so it doesn’t have to be a huge moral dilemna or anything - it can literally just be “Steve hogs all the blankets and Tony is grumpy about it” or something with equally low stakes. Generally if you think up a story, it already comes with a conflict imbedded in it, no matter how minor, so if you have an idea for a fic, you usually also have an idea for what is the conflict guiding it.

So, if you want your fic to be Steve-centric, I think a good start would be: What is Steve’s part in this conflict? Is it about him at all? Because if not, then you probably need to tweak it a bit if your intent is to focus on him. It’s also important that he plays some part in the resolution - that doesn’t mean he has to fix the conflict with his own hands, but the climax of the fic needs to be about him in some way. So, for example, if the climax of the fic is Tony doing something for Steve, and you want your fic to be Steve-centric, the focus should not be on how great and generous Tony is for doing that, but on how this helps Steve within the context of your story.

For example, Unfurl Your Gown, a fic I love, features a situation like this, where Tony’s understanding and kind behaviour helps Steve deal with his inner struggle towards his preference for crossdressing. But the focus in not on Tony’s behaviour, but on how it affects Steve’s feelings.

That’s another good thing to ask yourself while you’re writing the story: How does whatever happens in the fic affects Steve, personally? How does he react to it, and why? If you feel like you don’t have a good enough grasp on who Steve is as a character to know the answer to these questions, try to go back to canon a bit and pay attention to his actions and what seems to drive them. The goal here is not to find an absolute truth written in stone (Steve is not a real person, after all, and, although he does have a core character that’s pretty clearly defined in the MCU, there are many details about him that can depend on how you read him and his personality), but instead to find an interpretation that sounds right to you, and that you can work with while writing him. 

I’d also like to point out that, in Stony fics, at least to me, it’s always easy to focus more on Steve if I’m writing from Tony’s pov, and vice-versa. I feel like, when we say “Steve centric”, people immediately jump to “okay, this must be told from Steve’s pov”, and then, because they’re writing a Steve who is in love with Tony and thinks he’s amazing, the fic ends up being about how amazing Tony is. The focus on Tony ends up being a logical consequence of telling the story through Steve’s eyes, since, in a Stony fic, of course Steve is going to be heavily focused on Tony. So I’d say that, if you want to focus on Steve, it’s a good idea to consider writing from Tony’s pov instead.

Finally, I think that, if you want to write about a character, it’s a good idea to just... think about them, in general. I’ve already mentioned that going back to canon is nice, but you can also engage with them through fandom. Read meta about them, read other fics that are focused on them, see some gifsets about them, watch fanvideos, etc. That’s when inspiration can hit you, which can make the task of writing about the character in question a lot easier.

[annerbhp]

Hello, fandom grandma, I am but a toddler and I really need your wise advice. How do I stop thinking about fanfic in terms of transactions? In my main fandom (not HP, I love your fanfics so much sometimes I wish you could be lured into it, but you're not into MCU are you?) I read almost every fic, leave kudos and comments. But there are writers who don't read or don't leave kudos or comment on my fanfics (I know my writing isn't bad either). They do read each other's stuff. (1/2)

“Now I enjoy writing fanfic, but it doesn't exactly exist in a vacuum. So my question is, how do I stop being butthurt because they won't read my stuff or comment on it if they do read it (I know for sure some of them did). They know me because I always comment on their stuff. And I don't think I could stop either, because feedback is important. I know you might say that what I write isn't what they like, but we write all the same tropes (2/3)   

so it's more likely they just don't give a s. But I do. How do I let it go? It feels like I'm giving them everything, but they can't even give me kudos. Also, I do NOT want to start this 'comment or not to comment' fight, I'm asking if you ever felt that way and if maybe you know a way for me to stop feeling it so I could just enjoy the fandom and NOT think about fanfics in terms of IOU, or be the fanfiction equivalent of a nice guy (3/3)”

You know what stood out the most here for me?

“Now I enjoy writing fanfic, but it doesn't exactly exist in a vacuum.”

That ‘but’ speaks louder than you know. Do you really enjoy writing fanfic? What about the writing brings you joy? Just hold that thought.

Now, I know it can be hard to not get hung up on things like kudos counts and comment counts and it’s not like I haven’t gone into AO3 and stalked though bookmarks hoping someone might have added even the tiniest commentary on it. I know that there is nothing quite like the endorphin rush of someone commenting on a fic. So, I get it. I really do.

I also know that everyone does fandom differently. Everyone contributes in a different way and every one interacts in a different way. Some people write fics. That doesn’t mean they necessarily read fic. And they don’t have to if they don’t want to. Maybe whatever precious time they have to give to fandom between jobs and kids and illness and life being an asshole is dedicated solely to giving the world things to read. How freaking awesome is that? Some people do fandom by writing meta. Some people do fandom by reading. Some people do fandom by betaing. Some have mastered the art of leaving comments. Some make fanvids or playlists. Some make gifsets. Some people draw and paint and create amazing art. Some people merely come here to let their brain turn off for a while and not have to DO THINGS for someone else for once and just want to BE. Some people lurk and never interact at all.

These are all completely valid, and no one has the right to tell people how to Do Fandom.

I don’t know how to tell you to enjoy fandom more, except maybe to say that you need to start humanizing the people on the other side of the computer. Don’t assume you know what is going on with them--you probably don’t. Going around assuming the worst of people is only going to make you miserable. Try giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Try remembering that you are not the fandom police who gets to judge and ‘correct’ bad behaviors. Is that really where you want to spend your energy?

I know plenty of writers I really love who don’t read my stories. Do I wish they would? Sure, of course. Am I mad that they don’t? Hell no. Because I respect people’s ability/right to curate their own fannish experience. I respect people knowing what they like, and avoiding things that won’t bring them joy. I don’t personalize it, because it is not about me. I’m not saying that is easy, but it is my conscious choice. Don’t like, don’t read, is one of my core fandom commandments. (Along with do no harm, take no shit and your kink is not my kink that that’s okay.) This not only supports my choice not to read things I don’t want to, but people’s right not to read what I write if they don’t want to. No harm, no foul.

What makes someone a Nice Guy is entitlement. And only doing things to get something out of it from someone else, because they owe you, is classic entitlement. So find a way to do fandom with joy, or consider not doing it.   

So let me ask again: do you really enjoy writing fanfic? What about it brings you joy? Your answer to that is a pretty good place to start.