#and it's also so so important that when carl finally realises what he could have been it's not regretful. just resentful.

[allthegothihopgirls]

SPEAKKK transfem carl im listening

basically she's inside my head and gnawing away at small pieces of my cranium as we speak.

i'm assuming this was in response to my isttvg AU post, which was just something that weirdly resembled the t4t rarl AU i've rotated around in my brain for YEARSSSSSSS. i can talk about my original AU ig, although it ventures far from just transfem carl.

so the only real major tv canon change that happens for transfem carl to consciously exist, is that ron's never killed by michonne. in this AU ron has wanted to run away from alexandria forever, to get away from his bigot dad and prevent suffocating within the town's boundaries.

ron being transfem and KNOWING IT is super important here. even more so the fact that he cannot express it whatsoever because of his father's influence, although he wishes to do so.

the canon rivalry between carl and ron doesn't exist in the same way. the two bond over their love of comic books, particularly one series with outdoor explorers who visit all these cool international landmarks. although it acts as a form of escapism for both of them (who for obvious reasons, this comes across as HIGHLY idealistic to), ron takes it to the extreme and fantasizes constantly about not only escaping the walls that confine him, but living these same kinds of adventures outside of them.

the two often play pretend to cater to these impossible lives they wish to live, where ron notably always insists on portraying a woman. i think that is what drives carl to inevitably notice that there's something running deeper there, and sparks that mutual realisation that they've both got something a little funny going on.

to me, carl is never able to have that realisation in himself, without witnessing second-hand ron's experience with transness. mainly because carl's always wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, and any ideal future that isn't being rick just doesn't exist as a possibility to him.

i think the first conversation the two have about their mutual transness, the one where they can't find the right words to explain anything, and only very vaguely try and broach the topic without really understanding what they're asking, happens just weeks before pete dies.

so then when pete is killed by rick, ron isn't angry, he sees it as an escape. he'll beg carl to leave with him, who has heard nothing but brief mentions of ron's plans previously.

and carl doesn't just shut that shit down, he's angry. he lashes out at ron because he just seems to have this fantastic ideal where he can live out to the fullest and never have to repress a single thing ever again. and carl will never have that. he's angry that ron can even conjure up a reality where he escapes, because all carl knows how to do is act in the interest of his own survival.

anyways THAT is what builds the rivalry they experience in canon.

so ron doesn't end up angry at rick for killing his dad. ron gets increasingly frustrated with the idea that the only thing holding carl back from running away with him forever, is rick. which ultimately isn't true, it's the practicality of staying inside the walls that draws carl in.

however because ron and carl don't really communicate from then onwards, ron has no way of knowing this.

so the shootout still happens. ron stands there gun in hand, the last of his remaining family being mauled in front of him, and this time he really begs carl to leave with him.

something about ron not having anything holding him back anymore, and how he could cut carl's ties right then and there by just shooting rick. he's coming off as crazed as he suggests that carl wouldn't even have to feel bad for requesting rick's death in the circumstances of the night, as he probably would have nothing left for him by morning anyways.

ron doesn't take no for an answer and shoots regardless of carl's refusal, and by the time carl gains his consciousness back, ron's gone and unaccounted for.

this is where anything that ron had potentially drawn out of carl in their time being friends, goes right back to where it was before. although this time it's conscious repression, rather than blissful oblivion.

he'll think about it all the time, but fail to stray from the clear-cut path which is being the successor to rick's leadership.

there's one time years down the road that ron does show up again out of curiousity. he's put his qualms to rest, and comes around just to see how carl's doing. except he only lurks from the shadows.

it's clear that ron was successful in whatever specific goals he had past just escaping.

carl spends a lot of time convincing himself that it wasn't ron he saw between the trees out on that run.

and then when carl is dying, more trapped inside alexandria's walls than he's ever been, ron is the only thing he can think of.

and it's one of the last thoughts he has, that he's never been himself, and he might have been if he just left when ron asked him to.

[ishipthis]

It was always you.

A fluffy (with a little angst) oneshot dribble that takes place post 303 confession, but pre I love you. Or, Carly realises that Freddie is her home.

“Did you really mean it?” Carly asks, her toes brushing against Freddie’s under the mountain of blankets that surround them on the couch. It’s been three days since they finally admitted their feelings for each other, and while the majority of those three days had been spent making up for lost time, it also felt like they were tip-toeing around another pretty important conversation, the where to now kind of conversation.

“That Olivia Benson is a better detective than Nancy Drew? Uh yeah, Carls, I think I do” He smirks, his eyes lifting to hers as his foot brushes back against hers. Such a simple movement, probably one they’ve done a million times before, she thinks, but like everything over the past few days, it still feels like more.  

Freddie’s smile drops as he notices the downturn of her lips, a sure sign if any that he realises they’re not talking about Law in Order anymore. “Did I mean…?” He begins at the same time as she blurts the words from her mouth.

“Was It really the worst night of your life?”

It had been bothering her since he said it, the realisation that to him she had been the cause of the worst day of his life. She had been there at the implosion of his marriages, brought him food while he hauled up in his room, rubbed his back as he cried into her shoulder. She’d been there. So how is it that she could have hurt him more?

“Uh..” He hesitates, taking a second to process her question before grabbing the remote from the cushion between them, pointing it towards the TV. ”This kind of seems like a turn the TV off kind of situation” he explains with a nervous chuckle. She nods, a sad smile of her own making its way over her lips. “Maybe”

“Carly… I..” He hesitates again, and she swears she can see him going back to that moment mentally, as if he’s fact checking their night in Italy before her eyes. He swallows, his breath coming out a little shallow as he turns his full body towards hers, bringing his feet up beneath him to sit cross legged. “It’s not… It’s not your fault, okay?”  

She shakes her head. “That’s not what you said la…” He cuts her off again, his hands coming up to wrap around hers as if to ground her back to the moment in front of them. “Let me finish” he insists, squeezing her hand once as his eyes find hers again. “It wasn’t the worst night of my life because you called me your friend, like I said the other night, being your friend… It’s the best thing I get to be. Anything with you is the best thing I get to be.”  He squeezes again and Carly feels the heat rushing over her cheeks. How did it take her so long to realise he was right there in front of her.

“I shouldn’t have said that, but I was mad and hurt and it might not make much sense...” He continues, imploring her to look at him. “But when I said it was the worst day of my life, I said it because that was the day I realised I actually had to give you up…”

It hurts even hearing those words, and seeing the look on his face as he says them definitely makes it worse. She looks away, her teeth coming to rest on her bottom lip as she looks for anything around the room to distract them. “How about that pizza tonight, for an establishment boasting nuns and axes you wouldn’t think their pizza would slap so hard.”

“Carly..”

“That gives me an idea for a segment, American cheesus and the mother mary of…”

“Carly”

His fingers reach up to gently rest under her chin as he turns her face towards his, his brown eyes searching hers earnestly. “I’m sure this will come as no surprise to you, but I have been…had been” he corrects, shaking his head slightly. “I had been in love with you since I was a kid. And I think for the most part that was pretty innocent. When you’re a kid, everything feels like it’s the biggest thing there is…” She nods a little, frown still firmly planted over her lips as she tries to still the tears that are threatening to fall.

“You felt like the biggest thing to me. You were my best friend, sure, but you were more than that, and those moments where we… where we pushed that line, it was like for a second, maybe I was the biggest thing to you too.”

“You were..” Carly whispers still reeling from the way he’s looking at her mixed with the feeling of the butterflies that had erupted in her stomach the moment she heard him say ‘I have been’. Present tense.

 “I wasn’t” he corrects her, a sad smile overtaking his features that causes those butterflies to plummet. “And that’s okay. Deep down I knew that, but when you kissed me before you left for Italy, it stupidly felt like maybe you were saying that I was.”

I…” She doesn’t even know what she’s correcting. He is right, she’d said as much to him the other night. That kiss to her was closure, an ending to a chapter of a story they’d been writing in exchange for the excitement of the unknown. At the time it was easy to look at it as a mutual thing, but it wasn’t, and if she'd really given her actions some thought before diving in, she knew deep down she would have seen that. But he was Freddie, and she was Carly and she was… selfish and in that moment she just wanted the comfort that only he could bring. It didn't matter how it would affect him, she never gave it any thought. What a fool she'd been.

“Freddie” she begins again, her fingers dropping his as she moves her hands to cup his face, cradling his cheeks as best she can. He's not close enough and she needs him to understand, she's not that girl anymore. He has to see that. "That’s not how I feel now… You know that right?”

He nods, a small smile pressing against his lips as he leans in closer. “I know that.”

“Good” she whispers, tongue darting over her lips nervously as her gaze flicks between his own and his eyes. How did she not know? How could she have missed this.

She’s going to kiss him again when he continues. “I realised in that Airport that I couldn’t keep believing that one of these days you were going to feel the same way. It wasn’t fair to you and it wasn’t fair to me, and I knew” he pauses. “I knew it was going to tear us apart, because I’ll be honest, in that moment I didn’t think I ever wanted to see you again..”

His nose bumps against hers, as if to say past tense, I am here, remember, and she feels it, grounding her in a way that only he knows how to do, but it still hurts, god it still hurts. The idea that he could ever not want to see her, that she almost lost him, it’s unbearable.

“But then that moment passed,” he continues, “and I realised there was never going to be a me, that didn’t want you, and so if that meant pressing all those feelings deep deep down and choosing to let you go… then I could.. I would.” He delicately lifts her hands off his cheeks, bringing his fingers to lift her chin again so their eyes could meet. Her stomach flips.  “So yeah, it was the worst day of my life, but it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t have to love me, I wasn’t owed your love, you didn’t owe anything to me, Carly. I felt what I felt, and maybe past us should have probably sat down and talked about boundaries, maybe that would have saved us some pain, but at the end of the day, I think I needed it too, you know? I needed to close the door on the idea of us, because it wasn’t real…’

“but..” She whispers, her eyes searching his as the tears begin to slip down her cheeks.

“Don’t cry..” He breathes out, his breath catching in his throat betraying his own composure as he speaks. “What I mean is…this..” his fingers swipe at her tears, catching the moisture with his fingertips. ”This is real. And I’m not sure that we’d be here... without having been there.”

The butterflies are back, and she can feel it as the heat rises back up to her cheeks, the anticipation, and the intense feeling of home threatening to swallow her whole. He is that feeling. He is home. It had taken her fifteen years to figure it out, fifteen years of searching for that feeling in all wrong places to finally be here, in this moment, home.

Freddie smiles, the first real smile either of them have really expressed since this spur of the moment heart to heart began. “I’m going to kiss you now, okay?” It’s so cute the way he says it, still a little unsure, but also strong in the way he takes the lead, coaxing her out of own head and back into the reality, the here, the now, the real.

She nods, her hands sliding from their place on her lap to thread around his neck as her fingers sink into the soft little curls that are all but hidden unless you’re really close, something she had the pleasure of learning over the past seventy-two hours and something she plans to continue to study for the rest of her…. Life. Its him, her heart practically screams at her.

They grow closer, a soft sigh slipping from her lips before he finally breaks the anticipation and gives her exactly what she’s needed this whole time, him. His lips meet hers, gentle yet sure, as if saying ‘I know’ and ‘It’s okay’ and ‘We’re here now’ all at once, and it’s everything, everything she didn’t know she needed and everything she always knew she did.

Her fingers knot into his hair as she deepens the kiss, needing to pull him closer, to show him just how much she’s with him now. Maybe back then the reality was that they were on different pages, but now, she’s here, she’s right where he is, on the same page, reading the same line, here.

She pulls back, breathing heavily as her nose brushes against his, the need to press her lips to his once more almost more overpowering than the need to tell him how she’s feeling. “I..” she puffs out a breath practically whispering the words against his lips. “I’m sorry it took me this long… It’s you..”

He smiles, returning each brush of her lips with his own. “It’s you.”

“Can we make up for lost time in my room?” she whispers, her fingers giving his hair a little tug as she brings their lips back together again.

He grunts. ”Yes, yes we can”

Fin.

[daimonclub]

Aphorisms and quotes about the mother

Quotes and aphorisms on mom Quotes and aphorisms about the mother, ideas and thoughts by different and famous authors on the mom and the great importance of her presence in everyone's life. Mother's Day in most European states, the United States, Japan, Australia and numerous other countries is celebrated on the second Sunday of May; in Spain, Portugal and Hungary on the first Sunday of May; in the Balkan countries on March 8; in many Arab countries the holiday instead falls on the day of the spring equinox. Sigmund Freud said many profound, revealing and often frightening thing about God, and also about Mothers; yet he failed to see the connection between the two. The first God in every baby's life is its mother. She is the Universal Explanation, the Great Protector, the Stern Disciplinarian, the Source of all Wisdom and the Supreme Guide. God was not born of a virgin, but all virgins, male and female, are born of a God. When the growing human child realises, to his sorrow and bewilderment, that his mother is not God, he starts searching for a substitute God: a plain-clothes God or a God in disguise. George Mikes After the end of time, mother, we will find ourselves in the reality that does not exist, in a fictional and mythical world; we will be happy, serene, at peace, and finally we will be able to enjoy what we are not. Carl William Brown Where there is a mother in the home, matters go well. Amos Bronson Alcott On the verge of death he remembered his mother who was waiting for him in the reality that does not exist and almost pleased he consoled himself. Carl William Brown What do girls do who haven't any mothers to help them through their troubles? Louisa May Alcott Children and mothers never truly part; bound in the beating of each other’s heart. Charlotte Gray I am sure that if the mothers of various nations could meet, there would be no more wars. E. M. Forster A mother who is really a mother is never free. Honore De Balzac My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere. John Barrymore The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom. Henry Ward Beecher Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel. Josh Billings From now on I want to imagine death as a tender and affectionate mother who with extreme love, smiling and holding me at her breast for all eternity, instead of giving me life will take it away forever. Carl William Brown The best thing that could happen to motherhood already has. Fewer women are going into it. Victoria Billings The Holy Virgin is the universal essence of woman, she is the divine symbol of the mother par excellence, she is the spirit of life and love who endures and resists pain, suffering and death, to make the memory of her children immortal. Carl William Brown You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. Albert Einstein There are so many times you will feel you have failed, but in the eyes, heart and mind of your child, you are supermom. Stephanie Precourt A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary. Dorothy Canfield Fisher When a woman is twenty, a child deforms her; when she is thirty, he preserves her; and when forty, he makes her young again. Leon Blum Let France have good mothers, and she will have good sons. Napoleon Bonaparte

My Mom Innocenza Literature and art, as well as memory and memories, are the only places where we can revive our dear and beloved deceased. They are sad palliatives that unfortunately will never give me back the emotions and comfort of my mother's smile. Carl William Brown Women know the way to rear up children (to be just). They know a simple, merry, tender knack of tying sashes, fitting baby-shoes, and stringing pretty words that make no sense. And kissing full sense into empty words. Elizabeth Barrett Browning Some are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same - and most mothers kiss and scold together. Pearl S. Buck The kind of power mothers have is enormous. Angela Carter There are lots of things that you can brush under the carpet about yourself until you're faced with somebody whose needs won't be put off. Angela Carter For Eliot, April is the cruelest month, and I agreed, in fact my father died in April, but then my mother passed away in October, so now the cruelest months are certainly two. Carl William Brown The chain of wedlock is so heavy that it takes two to carry it - and sometimes three. Alexandre (the Younger) Dumas For that's what a woman, a mother wants - to teach her children to take an interest in life. She knows it's safer for them to be interested in other people's happiness than to believe in their own. Marguerite Duras As my mom always said, ‘You’d rather have smile lines than frown lines.’ Cindy Crawford Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. Pearl S. Buck No culture on earth outside of mid-century suburban America has ever deployed one woman per child without simultaneously assigning her such major productive activities as weaving, farming, gathering, temple maintenance, and tent-building. The reason is that full-time, one-on-one child-raising is not good for women or children. Barbara Ehrenreich Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago, that the pay is lousy and the career ladder nonexistent. Barbara Ehrenreich A mother's yearning feels the presence of the cherished child even in the degraded man. George Eliot But the mother's yearning, that completest type of the life in another life which is the essence of real human love, feels the presence of the cherished child even in the debased, degraded man. George Eliot The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint. James Fenton See also It's not over when you lose, but when you end it. Unknown The mother as a social servant instead of a home servant will not lack in true mother duty. From her work, loved and honored though it is, she will return to her home life, the child life, with an eager, ceaseless pleasure, cleansed of all the fret and fraction and weariness that so mar it now. Charlotte P. Gillman

Quotes on mom Moms should never die, they should disappear and then appear when you need to see them again, even just for a moment. Valeria Fabrizi Mother is a verb. It’s something you do. Not just who you are. Cheryl Lacey Donovan A mother’s arms are more comforting than anyone else’s. Princess Diana Morality and its victim, the mother - what a terrible picture! Is there indeed anything more terrible, more criminal, than our glorified sacred function of motherhood? Emma Goldman The patience of a mother might be likened to a tube of toothpaste – it’s never quite all gone. Author Unknown Death freed my father and mother from their evils and imprisoned me even more in mine. Carl William Brown When I was a child, my mother said to me, ‘If you become a soldier, you’ll be a general. If you become a monk you’ll end up as the pope.’ Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso. Pablo Picasso Only after losing your mother forever can you understand the essence of true love and the excruciating pain of life passing away. Carl William Brown A mother is the one who is still there when everyone else has deserted you. Author Unknown You realize that you habitually thought of Mom when something in your life was not going well, because when you thought of her it was as though something got back on track, and you felt re-energized. Shin Kyung Sook No influence is so powerful as that of the mother. Sarah Josepha Hale A man’s work is from sun to sun, but a mother’s work is never done. Author Unknown Every man must define his identity against his mother. If he does not, he just falls back into her and is swallowed up. Camille Paglia He that would the daughter win must with the mother first begin. English Proverb A mother understands what a child does not say. Jewish Proverb God couldn't be everywhere, so he created mothers Jewish Proverb Men are what their mothers made them. Ralph Waldo Emerson

My mom when she was 20 All that remains to the mother in modern consumer society is the role of scapegoat; psychoanalysis uses huge amounts of money and time to persuade analysis and to foist their problems on to the absent mother, who has no opportunity to utter a word in her own defense. Hostility to the mother in our societies is an index of mental health. Germaine Greer The moments of happiness... We have had the experience of them, but the meaning has escaped us, as Eliot said. Or rather, we didn't realize it, so life passed by and in the end all I was left with was the pain of losing my dearest person, my mother. Carl William Brown Woman is the salvation or the destruction of the family. She carries its destiny in the folds of her mantle. Henri Frederic Amiel A mother’s arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them. Victor Hugo If at first you don’t succeed, do it the way your mother told you to. Author Unknown One good mother is worth a hundred schoolmasters. George Herbert The tie which links mother and child is of such pure and immaculate strength as to be never violated. Washington Irving A mother’s love is patient and forgiving when all others are forsaking, it never fails or falters, even though the heart is breaking. Helen Rice A man never sees all that his mother has been to him until it's too late to let her know he sees it. William Dean Howells Life began with waking up and loving my mother’s face. George Eliot Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy. Tina Fey Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law. Hubert H. Humphrey Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not. James Joyce The watchful mother tarries nigh, though sleep has closed her infants eyes. John Keble Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother. Yutang, Lin All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother. Abraham Lincoln

Quotes and aphorisms on mothers My father and my mother are no longer with us, but their spirit lives in me, and therefore is still alive, except that I am already dead. Carl William Brown It seems to me that the nursing mother of most false opinions - both public and private - is the excessively high opinion one places on oneself. Michel Eyquem De Montaigne Anyone who doesn't miss the past never had a mother. Gregory Nunn Maternity is on the face of it an unsociable experience. The selfishness that a woman has learned to stifle or to dissemble where she alone is concerned, blooms freely and unashamed on behalf of her offspring. Emily James Putnam There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one. Jill Churchill Whenever I’m with my mother, I feel as though I have to spend the whole time avoiding land mines. Amy Tan, The Kitchen God’s Wife Few misfortunes can befall a boy which bring worse consequences than to have a really affectionate mother. W. Somerset Maugham The Enemy, who wears her mother's usual face and confidential tone, has access; doubtless stares into her writing case and listens on the phone. Phyllis McGinley It seems to me that the nursing mother of most false opinions - both public and private - is the excessively high opinion one places on oneself. Michel Eyquem De Montaigne When I stopped seeing my mother with the eyes of a child, I saw the woman who helped me give birth to myself. Nancy Friday Women’s natural role is to be a pillar of the family. Grace Kelly I know how to do anything – I’m a mom. Rosanne Barr A busy mother makes slothful daughters. Portuguese Proverb An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy. Spanish Proverb If Freud had had my mother's dreams at his disposal, he would have become even greater than he was. Carl William Brown Think of your mother and smile for all of the good precious moments.” Ana Monnar

Aphorisms and quotes on the mother A mother understands what a child does not say. Jewish proverb Mother is a verb. It’s something you do. Not just who you are. Cheryl Lacey Donovan A mother loves her children even when they least deserve to be loved. Kate Samperi As her sons have seen her: the mother in patriarchy: controlling, erotic, castrating, heart-suffering, guilt-ridden, and guilt-provoking; a marble brow, a huge breast, an avid cave; between her legs snakes, swamp-grass, or teeth; on her lap a helpless infant or a martyred son. She exists for one purpose: to bear and nourish the son. Adrienne Rich The worker can unionize, go out on strike; mothers are divided from each other in homes, tied to their children by compassionate bonds; our wildcat strikes have most often taken the form of physical or mental breakdown. Adrienne Rich Mother – that was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries. T. DeWitt Talmage A little girl, asked where her home was, replied, “where mother is.” Keith L. Brooks I never knew how much love my heart could hold until someone called me “mommy.” Author Unknown Mother’s love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. Erich Fromm Mothers are all slightly insane. J.D. Salinger That best academy, a mother’s knee. James Russell Lowell Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age. William Feather Education commences at the mother’s knee, and every word spoken within hearsay of little children tends toward the formation of character. Hosea Ballou In a child’s eyes, a mother is a goddess. She can be glorious or terrible, benevolent or filled with wrath, but she commands love either way. I am convinced that this is the greatest power in the universe. N. K. Jemisin I love my mother as the trees love water and sunshine — she helps me grow, prosper and reach great heights. Terri Guillemets A mother’s love liberates. Maya Angelou Biological possibility and desire are not the same as biological need. Women have childbearing equipment. For them to choose not to use the equipment is no more blocking what is instinctive than it is for a man who, muscles or no, chooses not to be a weightlifter. Betty Rollin Only in America do these peasants, our mothers, get their hair dyed platinum at the age of sixty, and walk up and down Collins Avenue in Florida in pedal pushers and mink stoles - and with opinions on every subject under the sun. It isn't their fault they were given a gift like speech - look, if cows could talk, they would say things just as idiotic. Philip Roth Apart from my mother, women have always encouraged me to deepen my knowledge of the profound illogicality of existence. Carl William Brown A mother holds her children’s hands for a while…their hearts forever. Author Unknown

Quotes and ideas on mothers There was never a great man who had not a great mother. Olive Schreiner Mothers are the most instinctive philosophers. Harriet Beecher Stowe Mother is the name for God on the lips and in the hearts of little children. William M. Thackeray My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it. Mark Twain A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Author Unknown There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one. Jill Churchill Acceptance, tolerance, bravery, compassion. These are the things my mom taught me. Lady Gaga Most mothers are instinctive philosophers. Harriet Beecher Stowe My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett My mother always said I was beautiful and I finally believed her at some point. Lupita Nyong’o A mother's heart is always with her children. Author Unknown Mother weaves her loving art and leaves her magic in our hearts. Author Unknown Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. Author Unknown Men never think, at least seldom think, what a hard task it is for us women to go through this very often. God's will be done, and if He decrees that we are to have a great number of children why we must try to bring them up as useful and exemplary members of society. Queen Victoria How simple a thing it seems to me that to know ourselves as we are, we must know our mother's names. Alice Walker My mother is my root, my foundation. She planted the seed that I base my life on, and that is the belief that the ability to achieve starts in your mind. Michael Jordan Mothers work, not upon canvas that shall perish, nor marble that crumbles into dust, but upon mind, upon spirit, which is to last forever, and which is to bear, for good or evil, throughout its duration, the impress of a mother's plastic hand. George Washington The best place to cry is on a mother’s arms. Jodi Picoult It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. Erma Bombeck Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible. Marion C. Read the full article

[starlessea]

Here Comes the Sun: XXI. When You Were Young (Daryl Dixon/Reader)

Series Masterlist: Here Comes the Sun

Summary: Daryl Dixon scares the hell out of you climbing out of that damn creek. It takes hauling his ass halfway across Georgia and taking a bullet for him to realise that you're not half bad. He slowly starts to come around, despite grumbling about how much he doesn't like your singing, or that you can't use a gun for shit - and don't get him started on that ugly yellow tent of yours. It takes him a while before he starts to see for himself that he's found a best friend for life, and that he doesn't actually mind the colour yellow that much, after all.

Words: 5907

Chapter Warnings: Language, Insecurities.

You snapped the book shut and looked up at your class, who stared back at you in complete awe. You laughed, taking in their expressions. The first time you had read this novel, your face looked something similar to how theirs did now. You couldn't help but let out a little laugh, uncrossing your legs and standing up from your seat. Immediately, they started to chatter amongst themselves about the ending, and the volume rose as their voices ricocheted off the walls of the small classroom. 

In the last couple of months that had passed since the takeover of Woodberry, the prison had been completely transformed. It was barely recognisable from how you'd first found it. The cells each had a bed, and now resembled actual rooms. The field had been tilled and converted into farmland courtesy of the Greenes, and you even kept livestock in wooden pens. Best of all, Rick and the others had set up a classroom for you to teach the children. You could remember it like it was yesterday. It had certainly been a well-kept secret, and almost everybody had known about it but you. 

Daryl and his team had scavenged some desks and school supplies, as well as an old blackboard that reminded you of the one you had first written your name on. They'd even brought back a wooden bookshelf - which they had to tie to the roof of one of the vehicles just to get it home. Over the course of the next few weeks, it began to collect books, filling up more and more each day.

Your first assignment had been for your students to create a poster on any book of their choice - and as a result, they also filled the white space of the walls. Before long, the former guards’ office resembled an actual classroom, brimming with colour and, surprisingly, children eager to learn.

"Okay, everyone!" You called out, clapping your hands to get their attention. "Now that we've finished this book, I want you all to write your own short story in response to it."

The group started to murmer amongst themselves again, and you yelled out over the chatter.

"It can be a sequel, or even something different inspired by it." You explained, your voice getting lost in the crowd. "Be as creative as you can." 

It was a real learning curve getting used to teaching younger students. Though, it was a lot more rewarding than you thought it would be. You remembered teaching Carl briefly at the Greene farm, which felt like a lifetime ago now. You never expected for your class to grow to the size that it was.

"I'm looking forward to reading them all tonight before bed." You added, once they had settled down enough to do so.

It was a tradition for you to do all of your marking in the evening. It filled up your time and kept you occupied until Daryl returned. He'd been going on a lot more runs recently, and it made you worry less when you had something to take your mind off it.

"Any questions?" You asked, and saw a flurry of hands go up in response.

"Teacher!" A young girl called, waving her arm to get your attention.

You smiled almost unknowingly. If adults had even half the enthusiasm of children, then maybe a lot more would get done around here.

"Yes?" You answered, and nodded in her direction.

The legs of her chair lifted a few inches off the ground as she swung back a little, and you fought every teacher-urge inside of you that said to pull her up on it.

"Is Mr. Dixon going to read them with you?" She giggled, and suddenly you forgot about the chair.

You couldn't contain the snort that left your mouth from the name 'Mr. Dixon.' You'd have to tell him about it later.

"I meant questions about the work." You chided gently, but the smile on your face told another story. "Though, he might. So make them interesting." 

Once again, you were unable to control the class as they got rowdy, and you just shook your head.

"You don't want him to fall asleep when I read them to him, do you?" You added, as you started to hand out the paper.

The children spent the next hour or so furiously scribbling out their stories in messy handwriting that you'd be tasked with deciphering later. Daryl had been gone for a few days on a run, but he was due back at some point today. Though, you wouldn't put it past him to conveniently arrive home late, to get out of marking duty with you.

When the time came to dismiss your class, you were given a lot of hugs and waves from everybody as they left. Perhaps it wasn't the most professional, but nothing really was these days. You were lucky to even still have a profession given the circumstances. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed a figure looming in the entranceway, holding the door open for the children as they left the classroom. It was Carol, and she gave you a warm smile when she caught your eye. You beckoned her in after everyone else was gone, and she made her way shyly towards you with her arms behind her back.

The two of you had grown even closer over the last few months - all of you had. Though, you and Carol got along like a house on fire. She had the most brilliant sense of humor tucked away, and you were often lucky enough to get a glimpse of it when she felt mischievous. Daryl had given the pair of you the nickname 'dynamic duo' - and you thought that nothing could suit you both better.

"What are you doing here, Peletier?" You asked in a mock stern tone. "I don't remember giving you detention."

The woman smiled sheepishly at your teasing, before more confidently sitting down on your desk and stretching out her legs. From behind her back she brought out one hand, and placed a fresh, red apple over your paperwork. You laughed immediately, and so did she.

"I've always been a good student." She told you, with a grin. 

You hummed to yourself, unconvinced. You started to collect the loose sheets of paper from your students' tables, and the woman hopped off your own desk to help you. 

"I caught the end of your lesson. I hope you didn't mind me listening in." She admitted, and you shook your head in response. 

Normally, you got nervous if you were being observed. One time, Daryl dropped by to give you some supplies you'd asked for - and you'd gotten so red that the children made fun of you for the rest of the day. Yet, Carol's presence made you calm; she always was the one to have your back.

"They seem to really love you." The woman added, nonchalantly.

The compliment really did warm your heart. Even before the world ended, all you'd wanted was to gain the approval of your students. Except, that was the one thing that adults struggled to give.

"I just want to make it fun for them." You explained, picking up another hand-written story.

You could tell whose it was just by the handwriting. At this point, you'd gotten to know all of the children so well that they felt like part of your extended family; everyone in the prison did.

"I know they should be learning practical skills, too." You went on. "But I can't let them forget how to read and write."

You were mumbling to yourself, and barely noticed as Carol handed you the other half of the papers. You filed them all into a neat stack, and placed them onto your desk. Except, you now noticed a book sitting on it that hadn't been there before.

"I came to give you something." Carol said, pointing. "Well, to return something."

Your eyes widened as you read over the title. It was in pristine condition, with a shiny cover and an unbroken spine. 

"It's not the same copy." The woman explained. 

You could tell; it was much too neat to be the one you'd brought with you to Atlanta. That one had crinkled pages and a ripped cover even before you had leant it to Carol.

"I asked Daryl to keep an eye out for one on his travels." She admitted, and you perked up at the name. "Thought maybe you could read it to the kids one day."

You held the copy of The Little Prince in your hands, your eyes glancing over the delicate illustration of a young boy lost amongst the stars.

"Carol, you didn't have to do this-" you said quietly.

The woman cut you off before you could go on, nudging you gently with her shoulder.

"I did. I wanted to." She corrected, and you finally looked up to meet her eyes. "I'm sorry for what I did before." 

She said the words quietly, as though ashamed, and this time you were the one to elbow her back and shake your head. She gave a small smile.

"I liked the part with the fox." She told you. "Where he says that important things can only be seen with the heart, not the eyes."

You looked at Carol with a dumbfounded expression.

"I did read it, you know." She laughed.

So, the two of you did finally get to discuss the book together, just like you'd hoped to do all that time ago - back in the warm summer shade of the Greene farm.

When you spotted that mop of hair from across the courtyard, you knew instantly who it was. Well, the crossbow and that familiar leather jacket also gave him away. You started to run in his direction, before you spotted a group of your students and slowed down to an embarrassed jog. The man eyed you, and you could make out his taunting smirk even in the distance. 

It hadn't been that long since you'd last seen him, but your heart still ached to feel his arms around you. You never knew how lonely the nights could seem once you got used to sleeping besides someone you loved. 

You approached Daryl casually, feeling eyes on you. There were people working the fields, and others on the fences dispatching walkers. Even if they seemed busy, you weren't oblivious to their side-eye glances every now and then.

"Hey there, Stranger." You finally greeted the man. "Was starting to forget what your face looked like."

With the influx of survivors, Daryl had taken on even more responsibility than before. He was out for longer and home even less, but you knew it couldn't be any other way. You knew that - but it didn't stop you from resenting the fact.

"Too many damn mouths to feed." Daryl grumbled, pointing to the string of squirrels hanging from his belt. "These people are eatin' like kings." 

You laughed at that, thinking back to the last harsh winter where you'd all had to survive on some questionable meals, to say the least.

"Ah yes, the luxury of fresh squirrel." You teased, eyeing the dead animals strung up by their tails.

You made a face, and Daryl made one back.

"I'll give yers away if ya gonna keep bein' picky 'bout it." He warned, but it was much too light-hearted.

Still, you held your hands up in defence.

"Okay, okay." You replied, sending him a mischievous smirk. "I'm sorry."

The tension was thick between you, despite the banter. Even as dirty as he was, you wanted nothing more than to fall into the man and press a number of kisses to that face of his. Yet, you refrained. Maybe you could get him into the shower first, away from all these people as well.

"Just take a look at your hair, Dixon." You remarked, once you finally noticed it. "Are you growing it out for me? Because I said I had a thing for guys with long hair?"

It hung over his face, and he pushed the loose strands away from his eyes with the back of his hand. It suited him, but he was definitely in need of a good shampoo.

"Yer really pushin' yer luck today, aren't ya?" Daryl muttered, taking a step closer to you.

You couldn't hide the smile that had spread over your face. Even an exchange as simple as this left you beaming. There really was no one else who could make you laugh quite like Daryl Dixon.

"You've been gone for two days." You reasoned lightly, trying to hide the way it actually made you feel. "Am I not allowed to have missed you?"

He tended to tease you about it, so you tried not to make a big deal whenever he returned home. Yet, you failed every time. 

"What d'ya say?" Daryl asked, rubbing his ear.

He'd probably gotten mud stuck in there. It wouldn't surprise you - given how filthy he looked.

"I missed you." You repeated, begrudgingly.

Daryl narrowed his eyes, like he couldn't comprehend what you were saying in the slightest.

"Hmm?" He prompted, waiting for you to explain again.

You huffed and shook your head. You would be dragging him into the showers as soon as he got to the cell block.

"I miss-" you started, before the realisation kicked in.

You immediately slapped the man's chest with the back of your hand, and a smirk spread over his face.

"You're messing with me!" You yelled, and he shrugged his shoulders innocently - like he was completely oblivious.

You attempted to shove him again, but this time he caught your wrist and pulled you in close. Your chest hit his, and you felt the warmth you had been craving. You didn't care anymore about the curious stares, and it seemed that he didn't either. Daryl wrapped his arms around your waist, and you snaked your own over his neck to pull him down to you. 

Your noses touched, and you smiled against him. The two of you stayed like that for a few seconds, just taking in the sight of each other - and the feel. You could tell that you'd unintentionally gathered a bit of an audience. The new members of the community rarely got to see Daryl like this, so you often got quite a few looks whenever you were together - and a lot of follow-up questions when you were alone. You ran your fingers through the ends of his hair, that went all the way down to the base of his neck now.

"Well, if you're not going to let me cut it, the least you can do is let me braid it." You whispered, your face still close to his. 

You'd threatened it once before, but you were more adamant this time.

"Ya can fuck off." Daryl grumbled back, but somehow he managed to make it sound affectionate.

You laughed lightly, and finally gave him the shortest of kisses that only left him wanting more.

"I think the words you're looking for are 'I missed you, too'."

Daryl Dixon was a stubborn man. You'd realised it from the moment you met him. He was the type to stick to his guns, even if they weren't loaded. You'd seen him argue his way out of something even when he was wrong, and convince you of his viewpoint even when you were right. Daryl Dixon was stubborn - but he always cracked eventually when it came to you.

"Don' say nothin'." He snapped, and you bit your lip to hold back the laugh.

"I didn't say anything." You quipped, as naturally as you were able.

You plucked another daisy from out of the grass, and handed it to the child. She took it in her small fist, and threaded it through the man's hair - messily between the braids you'd given him.

"Yer face says it all." He grumbled, his own looking like thunder.

Daryl was sitting cross-legged on the ground, surrounded by a few of your younger students. They'd begged him to let them put flowers in his hair after eavesdropping on your earlier conversation, and you'd said yes before he could even reply. He was a stubborn man, but he was also a people pleaser.

"Mr. Dixon, what's your favourite flower?" Another girl asked politely, twiddling a bluebell stem between her fingers. "We'll see if we can find it."

You laughed, but quickly disguised it as a cough.

"Yes, Mr. Dixon." You chimed in. "What is it?"

If looks could kill, you'd be dead ten times over. Except, the man didn't look all that intimidating with stray daisies interwoven in his hair, and loose plaits that were in the midst of being braided by clumsy hands.

"Stop bein' a lil' shit." Daryl bit back.

Though, he immediately got punished for it.

"Teacher, he said a bad word!" One of the children exclaimed, pointing to Daryl like he was a shamed dog on the naughty step.

You took a deep breath, trying to keep your composure, and watched as the man did the same.

"Daryl Dixon, if you swear like that again we'll have to wash your mouth out with soap." You scolded, in your most teacher-like voice.

The children laughed their high-pitched laughs, and you could see a small fire burning behind the man's eyes.

"'M gonna murder ya in yer sleep." He mumbled below his breath.

You yanked on the strand of hair you were braiding, before half-heartedly apologising and claiming it to be an accident. Daryl flinched, and whipped his head around to glare at you.

"What the f-" he started, but you narrowed your eyes at him. "Frog." He finished, and you lost it.

You let out what was perhaps the most unattractive snort of your life, which was much too bold to be disguised as any sort of cough. You knew you'd pay hell for this later, but for now you just wanted to relish in the power. You had Daryl in the palm of your hand, his hair quite literally wrapped around your little finger. He turned to glance at you, but you tugged again - but more gently this time.

"Jus' watch what yer doin'." He reminded you, before muttering some more underneath his breath. "Are ya tryin' to scalp me?"

Somewhere in the midst of the exchange, Deputy Grimes has sauntered over with an expression equally as smug as the one you wore. He had Judith in his arms, resting over his hip, and looked down at Daryl with a grin as he approached. He was wordless, but when the two of you made eye contact it was hard to remain that way.

"Jus' don't." Daryl sighed, sounding completely defeated.

"I didn't say anything." The officer replied, and at this point you couldn't deny that there were tears in your eyes.

Daryl looked up at Rick and squinted from the sun. He shook his head.

"Yeah, yeah. Tha's what they all say."

Rick watched the exchange in amusement. It had been refreshing to see him so relaxed during the last few months. You thought that he really deserved a break - and it seemed that he was making the most of it by spending time with his children.

"What did you do this time?" The man asked Daryl.

He shrugged in response, before one of your students reminded him to keep still.

"Nothin'." He grunted, seeming to be at the end of his rope. "Dunno why 'm bein' tortured for feedin' the lot of ya."

The string of squirrels had been passed along to the cook before the children had all but seized Daryl and demanded that he played with them. You may have had some involvement in his kidnapping, but you were only a bystander, really.

"Quit complaining, you big baby." You reminded him, before tucking a flower behind his ear.

Daryl had a vacant stare, but it soon became a warm one when he noticed Judith making some gurgles and smiling in his direction. She had her arm outstretched towards him, and Rick lowered her down so that she could be closer to what she was reaching for. The baby smiled a gummy smile, and ever so gently patted Daryl's head - eyes wide at the array of colourful flowers there. The man stayed completely still and allowed her to do it, and you just watched. You wished you had Glenn's camera during moments like these.

Not long after, the officer said his goodbyes, and left with his daughter. She peeked over his shoulder at the two of you as they walked away, and it made your heart melt as you looked at her.

"She's so adorable." You said, to no one in particular. "I want one."

Daryl choked, and you smirked at him deviously.

"Just kidding." You admitted, as though you hadn't almost caused the man to have a heart attack.

Daryl spluttered again before standing up. Most of your students had left the two of you alone, having gotten bored during your chat with Rick. You watched as the man shook out his hair, letting the flower petals float to the ground like leaves from a tree. 

"Jesus Christ, woman." He muttered, looking in your direction. "Calm down, would ya?"

You smiled as you helped him untangle the braids.

"There's only so much a man can take in one day." He went on.

Before long, Daryl’s hair went back to looking just as messy as it had done before, and you once again prompted him that he needed a shower. So, the two of you headed back to the cell block, and you slipped your hand into his to also remind him of how much you'd missed him.

"You never did say which flower was your favourite." You said, once the thought came into your mind. 

You glanced over at the man as you walked, but he just gave a small shrug in response.

"Dunno." He said quietly. "Guess I like the yellow ones."

Despite wanting to spend the night alone with Daryl, cuddled up under blankets in your cell as you read him some imaginative hand-written stories, the two of you had been convinced otherwise. Usually, alcohol wasn't permitted inside the prison - something about productivity and sharing that you hadn't really paid much attention to. But, since a lot of people had just returned from a long run, an exception had been made so that you could celebrate. 

It was hardly anything, really. There was barely enough to go around to get you tipsy, let alone drunk, and there were only a dozen of you sitting around the campfire - taking swigs from your plastic cups. The spirits had been diluted to stretch it out a bit more, and you were reminded of being a teenager again, swapping out vodka for tap water so that your parents wouldn't notice. 

Even so, your body hadn't had alcohol in a while - not since the Jack Daniels you'd all polished off back at Hershel's farm. Already, your head felt fuzzy, and your laughs sounded giddier than you'd intended. You were all sitting on the ground, out in the field. It almost felt like that first night you'd cleared the prison - except so much had changed since then. Rather than tentatively holding Daryl's hand in the dark, when everyone else was asleep, you were now sat in between his legs as his arms held your waist. His chest was warm against your back, and you could feel it rise and fall regularly.

You could also smell the alcohol on his breath, but you didn't really mind. It was rare that Daryl did drink - even when it was available to him. You liked the fact that he could relax for once, since he always seemed to bear the burden of looking after everyone else.

"You two!" Tyreese shouted, catching your attention.

Across from you, the man sat beside his sister, Sasha. Vanessa was also next to them. Out of everyone here, you knew the three of them best. Admittedly, you hadn't got around to learning everyone else's names yet. 

You looked up, startled, and Daryl chuckled softly at the way you flinched in his arms. 

"How'd you meet?" The man asked, and offered a smile in your direction.

If there ever were such a packed question, it would have been that one. It was the type of question that required a whole book to answer - like one of the stories you'd set for your students to write. You glanced back at Daryl, only to find that he was already looking at you. He remained silent, so you raised an eyebrow at him before realising that you'd be the one answering.

"It was really romantic, actually." You spoke after a few seconds.

Everyone else's chatter had died down, and you suddenly felt very exposed as you became the centre of attention. Except, liquid courage always did work wonders where you were concerned. 

"The first time I met Daryl, he told me to fuck off and called me a mule." You announced, like you'd been waiting for the perfect moment to do so.

Your audience erupted with laughter, and you took in the looks of disbelief around the campfire - feeling satisfied with your choice of words. Except, it didn't last long. Daryl jabbed you in the ribs with his elbow, and you shot a glare back at him.

"Tha's not what happened." He argued, and everyone fell quiet once again to listen to what the man had to say.

It was rare that they got to see Daryl like this - letting loose and talking without being prompted to do so.

"Jus' fought off two walkers only to have some chick yelling at me, sayin gimme yer hand like the ghost of Christmas past or some shit." He explained, his voice more animated than you'd ever heard it. "Thought my time had come."

A few more chuckles could be heard in response, but Tyreese eventually spoke up.

"Can someone translate for them?" He asked, and it was then that you realised just how much detail you'd need to tell this story of yours.

So much had happened between you and Daryl that you'd need countless sheets of paper to recount it, unlimited words and a number of chapters. You leant back further into the man, deciding how to officially introduce it.

"Well, it all started with this yellow tent." You said, and the others listened.

You went on for a bit, taking sips of alcohol between your words. Everyone seemed enraptured by you, and it even seemed like Daryl was hearing the story for the first time, too. It felt strange to recount it in such a way, and it made you realise just how much had happened since the world had ended. 

You smiled as you finished, deciding to give one last summary to your captivated audience.

"So basically I pulled Daryl up from a cliff-face, then hauled his ass halfway across Georgia, before finally taking a bullet for him."

The alcohol had long since ran out, but everyone had stayed to hear the ending. Maybe you were oversharing, but spirits gave you loose lips - and you always did have a bad habit of running your mouth.

Tyreese started clapping slowly, before pointing at Daryl where he sat.

"You, brother, are one lucky man." He remarked with a smile.

You heard Daryl grumble something next to your ear, before addressing him back.

"She leaves out the part where she stuck 'er finger into my wound and sang outta tune next to me for three hours straight."

You bit your lip before finishing off what little was left of your drink.

"Minor details." You mumbled.

Some of the men you didn't know were murmuring amongst themselves beside you, but your head was too foggy to make out what they were saying. Perhaps Daryl could, since he had a scowl over his face. You didn't have time to question it, though, because Vanessa soon interjected with a laugh.

"So you're telling me that you now share a bed with the same guy who had walker ears around his neck when you first met him?" She teased, and you beamed back at her.

"Yeah-" you muttered, before sighing dramatically. "Sometimes I question my own judgement, too."

The walk back to your cell was more of a stumble, but no one had to know that. You and Daryl both made it there in one piece, so no further questions needed to be asked as to why you were missing a shoe, or who you'd tripped over along the way. It had seemed all fun and giggles, until you realised that it had been one-sided fun and entirely your own giggles.

Once you entered the room, you finally noticed how quiet Daryl had been. He toed his boots off wordlessly and threw his leather jacket into the corner. He knew how much that frustrated you, but he seemed too wrapped up in his own thoughts to care. 

You walked up to the man and snaked your arms around him from behind, so that your chest was pressed to his back. All day, you'd been craving for the two of you to just be alone - but now that you were, he seemed too agitated for his own good. You thought that you must have missed something, because Daryl definitely didn't seem like himself. 

You rubbed your palms along his chest slowly, but he stopped you with his own hand, and pulled away. He turned to face you, and you cocked your head to the side as you took in his expression. His eyes were narrowed, and he was chewing at his lip like he always did when he was confused. Eventually, he shook his head.

"Yer too good for me." He stated, like it was a fact. "'M a lucky man." He went on. "Why'd ya want someone who wore walker-"

"Whoa, slow down there." You cut him off. 

He was reciting all of the things that had been said over the campfire, you realised - except they'd all been playful jokes, and he knew that. The man sounded like a broken record, but you couldn't quite put your finger on what had made him break.

"Someone's had too much to drink." You reasoned, but raised an eyebrow as you did so.

You weren't convinced yourself, but you had no other explanation as to why he was blurting out the things that he was. Daryl was a big man, and the amount of alcohol he'd drank was nowhere near enough to get him drunk.

"'M fine." He confirmed, but you knew there was more going on. "Jus' the truth, s'all."

The man looked down at his feet as he spoke the words, and you sighed.

"We are not doing this again, Daryl." You warned, and took a step closer to him.

Ever since more people had been coming to the prison, Daryl had seemed to convince himself that there were plenty of better options available to you - all without consulting you about it, of course. It had gotten to the point where you'd snapped at him, almost a month back, and it had escalated into a fight. You understood where he'd been coming from - a few people had gotten a little too friendly with you on more than one occasion. But, you'd convinced him that you were right where you wanted to be, next to his side. 

You'd thought that had been the end of it, but something must have happened to bring it back to the surface.

"I see the way they all look at ya. Like they want ya." Daryl snarled, like he was seeing things that you couldn't. "They were talkin' 'bout it right in front of me."

And suddenly, it all made sense. The men you had noticed staring and mumbling had set Daryl off. You realised that he must have heard what they were saying - and that it must not have been good. Yet, part of you still felt frustrated that he had even listened to it. You'd spent the whole night recounting how you met the man, and how much he meant to you, only for your words to be completely unravelled by words of others that were insignificant.

"So?" You finally responded, more forcefully than you intended.

Daryl's head snapped up to look at you, and you met his eyes in return.

"I go through the same thing with you."

The man was silent for a few seconds, like he couldn't fully comprehend what you'd said.

"What?" He asked, and you shook your head.

"Just because you're blind to it, Dixon, doesn't mean that I am." You told him.

You placed your hands over his chest again, but this time he didn't shrug you off.

"They look up to you. You're a hero to a lot of these people." You explained, like you'd truly accepted the fact. 

You could feel the heat radiating off the man from underneath the tips of your fingers, and you took another step closer to him so that he could feel you, too.

"You don't think there's days that I hear women giggling about you? Talking about you like you're some knight in shining armour who rescued them from this world?" You said, chuckling a little as you did so.

At first, it had killed you to see. Every time you noticed someone staring at the man, or whispering about him when they thought you couldn't hear, it made your blood boil. But, after a while you became numb to it - mostly because Daryl never even spared them a second glance.

"It makes me feel pretty shitty, too." You admitted, as you let your fingers rest over the first button of his sleeveless shirt.

You looked upwards at him, and he gave you a small nod - so you started to unbutton it.

"But then I come back to our cell, and I'll see that you've left me flowers on our pillow." You went on, smiling in the direction of your mattress, where you had missed the man’s presence over the last few days. "Or I'll notice a new cassette tape in my walkman without you even saying anything."

You reached the last button, and shrugged the material over Daryl’s shoulders so that you could see his bare chest.

"And then I forget about all those other people." You confessed, and pressed your palm over his heart. "Because I'm reminded everyday that you're mine."

Daryl immediately placed his hand over the back of yours, and squeezed it gently. 

"I'm yours." He agreed, and this time leant down to give you a kiss of his own without being prompted.

It was soft, but you'd missed the feel of him - and it made you impatient. You could taste the alcohol on his lips, and so you broke away before you became too intoxicated by it.

You hooked your fingers around his belt loops and pulled his body closer to yours - so close that his bare chest was warm against you, and you could feel his heart pounding.

"Then show me." You said, and he did.

A/N: So every time I write a chapter of HCtS, I delete the notes for it from my masterplan - and I’m getting so emotional seeing it get smaller and smaller each week. We’re coming to the end and I can’t deal-

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[juanita5418638]

Week 9 - Preparing a 3D Scan for Printing

(Open the photos for a clearer image resolution.)

Pre-Class: Watching Andrew Simpson's video gave me a better insight into the importance of prototypes and models when creating a product and his mention of using different materials to recreate the size and weight made me realize I never took the weight into account. Although blue foam is a good way to recreate the shape, it is way lighter than the final product which is made up of glass filled up with liquid. As such, it gave me the idea to create my next model out of clay as it is closer in weight and still allows a high level of moldability.

Part 1 - Scanning & Meshing

This week was a fun way to learn how different software programs interact with each other and help produce a model for 3D printing. One main thing I learnt was that using a 2015 MacBook to run Rhino and 3ds Max is an insane choice and possibly an inventive way to cause an explosion.

After many failed attempts to boot both programs, I gave up and decided to complete this exercise at home as I had a stronger WiFi connection and a PC with (way) better specs.

Onto the actual work! After the lovely staff of the MCIC helped me scan my perfume bottle model into a 3D scan saved as an .stl file. [F.1] I got to opening it in Rhino and applying a quad remesh as this allows easier manipulation of the model in 3ds Max. [F.2] As someone who used Rhino previously it was comforting to be using a familiar program and had no issue completing this part.

[F.1] Scanned Perfume Bottle.stl

[F.2] Model Before and After Quad ReMesh

Part 2 - Orientation & Modification

After last week, I dedicated myself to watching tutorial videos on 3ds Max throughout the week so as to get more affiliated with the program which really paid off during this exercise. Once I had the file prepared, I imported it to the program and quickly dealt with the orientation. [F.3]

[F.3] Unmodified Model

The modification got a bit tricky after this though as my model had a few bumps around the surface caused by my nails which is less than ideal. The smoothing tool was a great help when combating this issue and luckily the dents were not too deep. I also used the symmetry tool to ensure my front and back view were identical. However, the mirror tool was really tricky to orientate as it is harder to view and the program was lagging heavily. I will look into better options to combat this issue as the lagging should not have occurred at all. Once the model looked ready to print, I saved and exported the file and moved on to Cura. [F.4]

[F.4] Finished Model

Part 3 - Preparing for 3D Printing

With the file ready to go, once it was uploaded to Cura the rest was quite straightforward. I ensured the scaling of the bottle was right and made sure all the edges were nice and smooth. I then sliced it and my model is ready to print. As I do not have access to the printing services right now, I unfortunately cannot print my model but I could at least preview what it would have looked like. [F.5]

[F.5] Sliced Model Ready to Print

Bonus - Carl Update

Since this exercise did not take too long to complete and I was looking to implement something fun, I remembered how on my previous weekly post I had mentioned that I wished to learn how to 3D print the friend I made, Carl the Capybara. So I decided to do so!

With a quick tutorial, I learnt how to merge together Carl into a singular poly mesh on 3ds Max which meant he was ready for exporting! Once exported, I uploaded him onto Cura and scaled him to a friendly keychain-like size. [F.6]

[F.6] Carl

Once sliced, I realised I should add support beams for the stomach and do an infill to ensure the printing result would be sturdy. Once done, Carl was ready to print! [F.7]

[F.7] Perfection

This week was a fun small activity and I really hope to print off Carl once I am back on campus as a great reminder of what this class has taught me and the progress I have made. He shall keep me company on my desk at home :)

[mickey-millagher]

“If I could have everyone’s attention.” Lip called out across the Alibi Room, the patrons and celebrators of Ian and Mickey’s first wedding anniversary ignoring him, in favour of keeping their attention on their booze, or each other in the case of one particular couple.

“Hey everyone shut the hell up, I’ve got something to say.” Lip tried again yelling at the top of his lungs this time.

“What the fuck Lip?”

“What’s so important?”

“Jesus you trying to burst eardrums or something.”

Lip cleared his throat.

“So a year ago today my little brother got hitched. As you all know I was Ian’s best man.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Shut the fuck up Kermit.”

“Anyway,I didn’t quite manage to perform my best man duties with an awful speech. So I thought it was time to rectify that mistake.” Lip finished, pulling the pages of his written speech down, throwing a shit eating grin at his brother who seemed to have resigned himself to whatever was awaiting him.

“Ten years ago I sat in a stolen car with a fifteen year old Ian, waiting for our wayward mother to exit a DNA testing to see how easily it was going to be for her to steal our youngest brother.”

“Wait what?” Liam piped up before being quickly shushed by those around him.

“Ian seemed upset that day, I mean who wouldn’t right? Didn’t seem strange to me at all but when I asked him none of that seemed to even have crossed his mind. After a little probing I finally got Ian to admit what was actually on his mind, that he was banging out high schools biggest fag basher, Mickey, that he’d gotten him shot, and that he was planning on visiting him in juvie later that day.”

“You cracked after like a month? Jesus Gallagher does secret not mean anything to you?”

“Maybe if you didn’t keep getting shot I wouldn’t have.”

“Kept getting shot for your pasty ass.”

“You love my pasty ass.”

“Anyway.” Lip butted in before they went on any longer, he knew the two of them well enough to know how that one was going to end. “That was in 2011, Ian was a Sophomore, Mickey was still a Freshman I believe?”

His only answer was a middle finger.

“Romances that young don’t tend to last, I didn’t think much of it all honestly. But these two idiots don’t really like to follow expectations. Over the next two years I only heard little bits that made me think they were even still together. Then as it often does shit hit the fan, and Ian was suddenly gone. I couldn’t get him to come back home. But Mickey did, Mickey brought my little brother home and then promptly moved in himself. To Ian’s bedroom floor of course, had to keep up with possibly the worst kept secret in all of the South Side at that point.”

“Hey it wasn’t that badly kept.” Mickey protested.

“It was.” Debbie and Carl chimed in at the same time before side eyeing each other.

“Even I knew.” Added Liam, prompted a laugh from everyone who remembered the three year old boy from all those years ago.

Mickey grumbled as Ian laughed, which Lip took as his sign to continue.

“Now I still didn’t Mickey was good enough.”

He got a joint flipping off from the couple for that.

“He was loud, ate all our food, took my shit, and that was just in the few weeks he camped out on Ian’s floor. When you’re an older sibling, especially in the South Side, it’s your job to protect your younger siblings. Ian was my first younger sibling, the first one I looked out for, only ever wanted what was best for him. But I got so comfortable in that role that I hadn’t even realised I’d been replaced, by what was best for him. Really what I’m trying to say, what I should’ve said a year ago and probably should’ve even said eight years ago, if I could have gotten away with it without being punched out. Is I’m glad you’re part of the family Mick, and I think you’ve been part of it for longer than I realised. Also glad you’re back permanently now, should stop Ian from getting PTSD again from any more encounters with—”

Ian shot up.

“Great speech Lip, you know what’s a good skill? Knowing when to finish.”

“Hey I wanted to know how it finished.”

“No you don’t.” Ian called over his shoulder as he walked towards his brother, pulling him into a hug. “You’re an idiot but thank you.”

“Had to give a proper speech, you’re my brother.”

Footsteps came close, signalling the brothers to pull apart. The glare of his girlfriend met Lip when he looked up.

“You told me you’d never stolen a car?”

“Is that really important now? After everything?” Lip asked in a loud whisper.

“Yes, you lied to me.”

“Technically we didn’t steal the car, Fiona’s boyfriend did and we just burrowed it from him.” Ian butted in.

Tami seemed to be contemplating that when a laugh to his side made Lip turn away from his softening girlfriend. Mickey had made his way back to his husbands side, Ian’s arm slotting its way over his shoulders.

“Real badass Gallagher, burrowing a stolen car, didn’t know you had it in you.”

“Shut up, almost ended up in juvie for that shit.”

“Yeah that would’ve been terrible.” Replied Mickey, wriggling his eyebrows.

The two of them seemingly forgetting they were talking to anybody else, Lip made a gesture with his head to Tami to leave the two of them to whatever when Mickey suddenly turned back to him.

“That was a err nice speech.” He said, rubbing his thumb over his lip.

“No problem.” Replied Lip, beginning to walk away. “Just so you know I’m giving speeches at all your anniversary parties from now on, got years worth of unfortunate information.”

He didn’t look back but could hear his brother groaning behind him.

[walkingdeadrewatch]

Season 2 Episode 2

Been a WHILE since I watched the early episodes, however, I have now finished the entire series so this will be interesting.

Ah the before times 

Rick being polite is annoying. Damn Lori, guess we understand why you like Shane.

Aw baby Carl is sad

Run Rick, Run

Admiring Rick for his ability to carry the dead weight of a child WHILE RUNNING (again)

MAGGIE!!!!!!!!!! Fucking love her

Hershel and BETH! Ah I forgot how much I love them (not at this stage though)

Hershel is so efficient but very different from the Hershel I remember, interesting to see characters at their start after knowing their end.

As much as I hate Shane, I do appreciate how he is trying to keep Rick calm

The blood type thing is funny to me after watching the finale.

Love that Daryl’s current priority is Sophia. He is fighting so hard to get her back

I love that medical care, taping a cloth to it, I suppose that’s all they have, but no wonder it gets infected

Theodore Douglas. I think I missed that was his name every other time I’ve watched this.

Dale is just giving T-dog a task because he doesn’t want to babysit

So this is what it’s like for Shane to have Rick’s back.

Carl actually showing his pain here makes me realise a lot of characters don’t show theirs like that when injured. Normally just a hiss of pain or instantly passes out. Amazing acting from baby chandler Riggs here.

(FINALE SPOILERS Judith showed her pain but didn’t cry like that, just saying)

Feel like Shane is being very supportive so far in this episode, feels a bit OOC

At least Otis is taking responsibility for his actions, Maybe you could learn a little something, Shane

Just a little bit on Carol. In later seasons she can be ruthless when it comes to protecting her people, and never stops fighting. Whereas here, she has lost the most important thing to her but agrees to head back for the night as long as they continue tomorrow. Carol from the later seasons would say fuck that and keep searching. However, this Carol has just had her world changed by losing Sofia, after having her world changed with Ed’s death, and that freedom after having her world changed by a freaking apocalypse. Shit keeps happening and it’s interesting to see her like this compared to the multiple Carols from throughout the season.

Don’t understand Rick why gives his gun that means a lot to him to Otis when Otis has a gun and Shane is right there. I know Shane has a gun, but this one means a lot to him.

Did Dale just take a look at Glenn and assume he plays guitar? TF?

Watching this scene just reminds me of the Bad Lip Reading video (Very Cool)

T-Dog is spitting Facts

Fish can hear you thinking just before you sneeze

That’s a big spiders web

How did she walk so far away when they were just walking as a group?

But I mean, cool entrance for Maggie

‘This chick’? That is your future wife Glenn, speak more respectfully!

Thinking about it, was Otis going to carry that deer all the way back? Feel like he would have struggled a bit

I love Hershel’s optimism, but lol you’re all fucked, this is worse than a plague.

Aw love that Carl wanted to give his blood, adorable

I was just thinking why isn’t this man surrounded by food and drinks after donating so much blood.

Why is Lori wearing makeup during a freaking apocalypse?

Lol he might be just a vet, but he’s a damn good vet, and literally all you have

Did they not JUST pass an ambulance? maybe check in there for supplies as well?

Why is Glenn apparently the only competent one to get T-Dog there? Literally feels like trying to get rid of him but whatever

Daryl is good and helpful

Did they consider turning the sirens on and running? It would keep the walkers attention for much longer

Rick needs to sit the fuck down.

Also if they had finale knowledge Daryl should have gone to donate blood.

Why is Otis carrying what appears to be the bigger and heavier bag?

I do appreciate how dedicated Shane is to getting back to Carl and making sure he lives. 

[artistconk]

The one who stayed AU

-Wilbur and Techno are twins, with Techno being 2 minutes older. Wilbur is Phil’s favourite. Wilbur and Phil often leave for long periods of time, leaving Techno to raise Tommy. 

-This leaves Tommy with very anarchist views. He’s also able to work for himself instead of stealing, and good with swords. He’s also terrible at being alone.

-One day, Philza and Wilbur leave to create a nation, they call it L’manberg. In this nation, is Wilbur, Philza, Tubbo, Niki, Jack Manifold, Eret, and a boy that Wilbur adopted named Fundy. The country is a Communist Dictatorship, Wilbur being the President, and Philza being the Vice-President. [This idea is credited to @beeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaans ]

-They fight for the independence of this nation, and get taken to a small room, where Eret says she has things to help. At this time, everyone other than Phil has 3 lives. Phil is at one.

-Eret betrays them, all losing a cannon life, other than Phil, who is ushered out by Wilbur so he can live.

-Upon seeing this Massacre, Phil grows tired. He duels Dream one on one for independence. They use bows, the first to kill the other wins. Phil wins this duel, taking Dream down to two cannon lives. L’manberg gains independence.

-They live happily for a while, but after a few years, Wilbur confides in Phil  saying he feels that no one listens to him anymore. Phil suggests that it’s because he was not democratically elected, and suggests they hold an election. Wilbur agrees with this idea, and they start a party called POG2020. This stands for the Politicians of Gaming.

-Upon hearing that Phil and Wilbur plan on rigging the election by being the only running party, Quackity runs for president, with his running mate, Georgenotfound. They create a party called SWAG2020. George figures Philza and Wilbur will win, as they’re beloved by the nation, and sleeps through any and all important events. This includes when Endorsements occur, and both Schlatt2020 and Coconut2020 become parties. 

-Quackity, desperate for power, and seeing that Phil and Wilbur are most likely to win, forms a coalition party with Schlatt2020. This Coalition government wins the election by 1%. Phil and Wilbur are exiled from L’manberg. They form a commune called Pogtopia. Worried about Schlatt and Quackity’s government, they call Techno and Tommy for help. 

-While being exhiled, Wilbur loses a second cannon life. He and Phil both only have two.

-While Techno and Tommy aren’t the biggest fans of the two, they give them a chance. I mean, they want to destroy the government, right? What could possibly go wrong?

-They grind, Techno and Tommy provide the revolt with supplies.

-This is where Tommy meets Tubbo! Tubbo is an undercover spy for Pogtopia. After Wilbur and Phil were exhiled, Schlatt welcomed Tubbo into his cabinet, hoping to influence his young mind into being like him. 

-When Tubbo and Tommy meet, it’s great! I mean, a friend their age? Fuck yeah! Technoblade is the only one who notices their friendship. Wilbur is busy going insane and Philza really couldn’t care less about Tommy. [Talk abt a shit parent amirite] [Idea from @strawberrylemonz ]

-Tubbo, instead of picking up Schlatt’s ideologies, picks up Tommy’s! He feels bad about having to help reinstate the previous government, however. Tommy and Tubbo are really close!

-Tommy teaches Tubbo about his spy towers! They’re well built, hidden towers, that are hard to recognise unless you know exactly where you’re looking, So far, only Technoblade can recognise them, however Tubbo slowly begins to recognise them too. 

-Wilbur is slowly losing his sanity, threatening to blow up lmanburg as more and more people join pogtopia. It gets to the point where the only people on Schlatt’s side are everyone on his side in cannon.

-The day comes, and Techno and Tommy bring the group to a vault. There is enougn supplies for everyone to be fully stacked. 

-They go to war, Schlatt fuckin dies of a heart attack, you know how it goes.

-Phil goes to make a speech of how he’s proud of everyone, but especially Wilbur. He doesn’t even mention Tommy and Techno. This makes them slightly angry, but it’s nothing they aren’t used to by now.

-Wilbur comes up on stage, and he hands the presidency to the son whom he is so proud of, Fundy. Wait, another presidency? What the fuck? Didn’t they just overthrow the president? Are they fucking dumb? They just saw what power does to people.

-Fundy makes Niki his vice, renaming POG2020 to Coconut2020.

-Wilbur leaves, and Fundy gets on stage to make a speech. Tubbo silently mutters apologies to Tommy, and promises he will be on their side no matter what, and that he isn’t happy about the government either. 

-Phil notices Wilbur’s departure, and follows him. He finds him in the button room, about to press the button. Phil attempts to convince him not to. Think of all they’ve built together. Wilbur laughs, and asks Phil if he ever notices his other children. 

-Techno and Tommy rage. How dare they build a government in front of us? Everything they just fought against? Did they not see how much effort the two had put into helping their revolution. Had their own family just used them as tools? Lackeys to do the dirty work? What the hell? They begin to build a wither. Fundy and Niki attempt to convince them not to.

-Wilbur presses the button, blowing up L’manberg. 

-This makes Tommy and Techno overjoyed, once again proving that power corrupts. They release the withers, forcefully take the items they grinded for, and leave. Tommy offers to take Tubbo with him. Tubbo declines, saying he knows they’ll rebuild, and it’s best to have a spy on the inside, just in case. Tommy agrees, and they part ways.

-Wilbur begs Phil to kill him. It’s what everyone wants, right? He just blew up their home. Phil, in tears, obliges, taking his final life.

-Tommy and Techno retire to the antartic, creating the antartic commune. They decide that until necessary, they’ll retire. They build a cabin together, and Tommy builds another spy tower in the hill. Techno builds his wither skull vault, in case of emergencies. 

-In rebuilt L’manburg, there are wanted posters of Techno and Tommy. No one seems to have noticed Tommy and Tubbo’s friendship.

-Dream starts to put input into L’manburg. Hey Fundy, why is Phil still here? He killed Wilbur. Exhile him, or I build this wall higher and higher.

-Phil gets exhiled. He realises that Dream had him exhiled because he just never seems to die, and he’s pretty strong, isn’t he? Phil uses this time to debate on him killing Wilbur. He sees that he should have killed him anyways, and that he could not be helped. Phil works on mindless tasks, and Dream visits him daily, secretly blocking other visitors. 

-Phil collects supplies to fight back to Dream. Ghostbur joins him, providing some angsty moments ;]

-Quackity, Fundy, Ranboo and Niki form the Butcher Army. They can’t have Tommy and Techno interfering with their country. They just had it blown up. 

-The Butcher Army track Dream’s footprints as he travels to give the Antarctic Commune a map to a woodland mansion. They get 2 totems each.

-Tommy and Techno now owe Dream a favour.

-The Butcher Army attack the Antarctic Commune, using Carl and a moth called Clemintine? Huh? How’d he get a moth? As leverage to get them to cooperate. [THE DISCS DO NOT EXIST IN THIS AU.] The two come peacefully. Tommy takes note of how Ranboo seems to not want to help the Butcher army.

-The Butcher Army give Carl and Clemintine to Tubbo, he seems as if he would be good with animals. Dream, who is one of the only people to recognise Tommy and Tubbo’s friendship, asks Tubbo to help him get Techno and Tommy out of L’manburg safely. Tubbo agrees, on the grounds that he is not caught, and his identity remains a secret. Dream agrees to these terms, and when questioned later, Tubbo tells the Butcher Army that Dream threatened him when taking the pets.

-The Butcher army attempt to execute Techno first, as they see him as the stronger one. He uses a totem, and Dream helps the two escape. Quackity gets angry, and the Antarctic Duo fight him, taking a cannon life. They leave for the Antarctic Commune, bitter about the loss of tools and armour, swearing to get it back. They are full of rage about being dragged out of retirement. 

-Tubbo talks to Ranboo, and confirms that he did not wish to be in the Butcher Army. They both visit the Antarctic duo, and Techno gives them both back their armour. The Antarctic duo offer to allow Ranboo and Tubbo to stay. Tubbo agrees, joining the Antarctic Commune. Ranboo does not stay, leaving to go back to L’manberg, and apologising for helping the Butcher Army. 

-Dream finds Phil’s secret supplies, and destroys it all. He says that as a punishment, he will be visiting less. Phil takes this as his time to escape Logstedshire.

-Phil turns up on the Antarctic Trio’s doorstep, apologising for being a horrible father. He asks for their help and for their forgiveness. The siblings agree to help them.

-Phil helps Tommy and Techno get their things back. Eventually, Ranboo tells them about a festival. 

-Dream blames Phil for blowing up the community house. He attempts to defend himself, and explains that Dream was watching him because he knew he held power. He says that L’manburg is his home, and that he built it with his son. He would not leave, even if his son was dead. Techno explains that in re-joining L’manburg, he will be betraying his two living sons. Tommy states that Ghostbur told him that he confronted Phil about his blatant favouritism in his final moments, and that if even Wilbur, in his final moments, while insane, can understand that Phil is a poor parent, then he should know this too.

-Phil is adamant on joining his Grandson in L’manburg. Fundy is happy, Tommy and Techno are NOT. They rage, explaining that if he would not understand that he was abandoning his children for this, then he will not get his home. Queue Techno screaming “I’M A PERSON” at Phil. Dream asks the Antarctic Trio if they would like to destroy L’manberg with him. The trio agree. 

-Doomsday comes, and L’manburg is destroyed. Niki an Eret join this destruction. [I’m not involving Fundy in this, as his character motivation is getting people to pay attention to him. Phil is paying attention to him] Fundy feels devastated about the betrayal. 

-Ranboo is invited to join the Antartic Commune once again. He accepts.

-Tommy and Techno relax, knowing that L’manburg is not coming back any time soon. They settle back into retirement.

-Fundy creates a town named Snowchester with Phil. They are a commune, and wish to declare independence.

-Tubbo starts making nuclear weapons, to provide the antartic commune with even more power. Ranboo seems worried, and his memory is deteriorating.

-Dream threatens Fundy and Phil, saying that he will hurt everyone they care about if they don’t fight him. They start grinding.

-Dream wins the fight, showing he isn’t even trying. He shows that hes always had the upper hand

-Dream takes all of their supplies. Phil reassures Fundy that they’ll be okay, and that he won’t let any harm come to him.

-Dream shows them the Vault. He explains that Phil brought L’manburg, and that L’manburg brought attachments, whether those be between people or items. He explains how he was going to use

-Phil explains that Dream has made a fatal mistake in trusting a mercenary. Punz comes through the portal, with the server. They take Dream’s belongings and Sam takes him to the prison.

-Wilbur tells Fundy how proud of him that he is, and that Phil is still a horrible father, and emphasises how much he has hurt them. This makes Phil realise his actions, finally. He tells Fundy that his siblings are planning on resurrecting him, using how Wilbur also brought attachments to the server to convince Dream to resurrect him. He tells Fundy to join the Antarctic Commune, and that they will forgive him. 

-Ghostbur dissapears, as making Fundy happy and standing up to his father was his unfinished buisness. 

[ben-101-rewrite]

Verdona, like most Anodites, spent much of her time on her home planet, Anodyne, ever since she was born. Her peoples' way of life and culture was built around their home and the use of mana, in how they communicate, connect and see the world. So for a long time, Verdona saw no reason to venture far from her home, having no desire to settle someplace else. She was known to visit other nearby planets for fun and see what the locals had to offer, but not once did she feel the need to stick around for long.

That was, until the events of the episode "Moonstruck". Never had Verdona met someone like an Anodite with the spark, who wasn't an Anodite, and yet Max made her see differently. She had had lovers before, with other Anodites, but something about this human caught her attention above the rest. So after being saved by him and declining to come to space with her, she returned home with butterflies in her stomach. The kidnapping had been an unpleasant experience, but something good did come out of it.

So when she got home, getting swarmed by friends and family who had been worried about her, it didn't take her long to share what happened, bubbling every time she spoke about Max. However, the more she talked about Max, the more her friends and family looked off about the whole thing. It wasn't until Verdona decided she wanted to go find Max again, and perhaps stay with him on earth, did some of the other Anodites stepped in. It's not that they didn't want Verdona to be happy, but a lot of them wanted to warn her that loving another alien that wasn't an Anodite was not easy.

This wasn't them looking down on another race, but rather understanding how vastly different they are from most aliens in the galaxy, due to their deep connection to magic and mana. Their entire lives revolved around it, it's how they learn, how they explore, how they connect with one another. However, when trying to love something that lacks those elements, that love eventually fades away over time, or at the very least, becomes hard to live with. There have been many Anodites who have dated other races, and more often than not, they eventually split in the end.

Verdona, being stubborn, says this is different, Max is different, he's just like them, he has a spark even if he doesn't have magic. She was going to prove to them all that she could do this, she would be happy on earth, and she and Max would have an entire life together. She would never leave...

And so, she moved to earth, finding Max, who had just been recruited into the Plumbers, and the two showed a strong bond of love in those early days. Verdona took a more humanoid shape, and crafted herself a human form, so the two could lead a double life. Max supported her whenever she felt homesick, and Verdona would always support him in his rough early days of training. Things seemed to be going great for them, a young couple who were eager to face the world, and show it what they're made of.

Slowly, but surely, Max started climbing the ranks of the Plumbers, taking many missions out in space, and making many friends and work partners, like Phill or Devin. Verdona was known to assist the Plumbers here and there on magic related issues, but she spent a lot of time on earth, enjoying what it had to offer. But...she did have to admit she was a little bit lonely. Since earth didn't have a significant Plumber base, due to the fact there was very low alien activity on the planet, with minor problems like Vilgax showing up here and there, Max was out in space a lot of the time for work. She had tried a couple of pets here and there, but one day when Max came home for the week, she asked about starting a family.

She had had kids before, all Anodites, of course, so she believed she was already fit to be a mother, and Max had wanted to be a father someday. Plus, the two had faced a lot, combatting alien villains, saving some planets, testing the limits of magic, how hard could raising a family be? So after requesting some time off from the Plumbers, Verdona eventually gave birth to two humans twin sons, Frank and Carl.

Max was over the moon, and so was Verdona, though...she will admit, something didn't feel quite right. This was the first time she ever had children that weren't Anodite, and she didn't even know if either of them had the spark that would give them the magic and Anodite gene. There was no way to tell until they were a little older. It made her realises that she doesn't know how to connect with human kids, remembering all those times she connected with her Anodite kids with magic, the core of them all. But that being said, Verdona wasn't one to back down, and she wanted to prove she could do this. And even if they weren't Anodites, they were still her sons, and she would love them regardless.

So in comes Frank and Carl into the world of life, and early on in their childhood, things seemed to be going great still for the Tennyson family. Max and Verdona never hid the fact that their mother was an alien, and that Max worked for the Plumbers, but they made sure to remind their kids that it was a big secret. That being said, kids being kids, they did sometimes blab that their mums an alien, and their daddy has been to space, either to seem cooler to other toddlers and kids, or when they were sometimes frustrated about something. Thankfully, older folks just saw them as kids with big imaginations, and never really believed them.

But it wasn't until Carl and Frank were heading into their teenage years that things started to crack. They weren't ignorant guys, understanding very well that Max's job was important, and that their mother wasn't human, but that didn't mean it couldn't get tiring or...lonely. Max wasn't home very often, far into space battling aliens, and while that stuff was interesting, Carl and Frank didn't really have any interest in following their father's footsteps into the alien world, not right now at least. They liked earth, they liked humans, they liked things being simple and small.

It also didn't help that over the years, Verdona was going distant. She didn't mean to, and she still loved her boys, but...earth was just losing its spark to her, that excitement she fell in love with years ago. Max and her, while they loved each other, seemed to be growing apart, as both couldn't offer what the other wanted, and yet neither was angry at the other and understood this very well, through long talks and peaceful moments together. And as her boys grew, Verdona didn't know how to connect with them anymore, especially since they wanted everyday human lives.

When they were little kids, they use to love Verdona's magic and abilities. She uses to create sparkly balls of light to swirl around them like a mobile to help them sleep, or some nights she would fly them high into the skies to show them the stars. She would share stories about space, other planets and all the aliens she had met, and they would always notice that glint of longing in her eyes. She wouldn't lie, as she did miss those free days up high in space, using her magic to shine brightly across the galaxy.

But she still couldn't get a grasp on the way of a normal human life. She didn't know how to talk to the other mums at school, she didn't know how to be engaged with her children's graduations and celebrations when they were nothing like the fets that Anodites could create, she didn't know how to...be human for them. She had the mask, but she didn't have the soul for it.

And her children did try to connect with her on magic, but without that spark or very least magical aura, they couldn't. Frank even tried to learn magic at one point, after his mum took an interest in the fact he was often able to sense her when she was nearby. Frank use to delve into his mother's spellbooks she had lying around, doing everything he could to be like her, just to make her happy...But he couldn't. Even if this lead to his love of knowledge and reading, magic just wasn't something he could access.

And yet, Verdona stayed. She loves them, she really did, and she wanted to be there for as long as she could. But it wasn't easy, as each day, that urge to fly around back home grew stronger and stronger. That desire to finally connect with someone like her again was always in the back of her mind. Max, Frank and Carl all knew this too, it was easy to tell just by looking into Verdonas eyes, and while they all understood in their own way, especially Max, that didn't mean it hurt that not only did they feel like they were forcing Verdona to stay, but also that she wanted to leave.

Max never resented Verdona for this, though sadly Frank and Carl did feel hurt, upset, deep down feeling like they weren't good enough for their parents, despite how often the two did try and show their love.  The family felt divided, as while they wanted to support and love each other, each person wanted something different that the others could not provide.

So while trying to figure out their parent problem, Carl and Frank sunk into their regular human school lives as a way to get away from all the alien stuff. Frank did so by delving into the academic side of things, getting excellent grades, pitching ideas to help the school, and eventually applying to be student president. This is, in fact, how he met Natalie, as she too was running to be student president and was kind of his rival in being the top student. However, it was never a hateful rivalry, as the two were very civil, and it was no surprise when they started showing interest and began dating one day, deciding to be co-presidents.

Carl, on the other hand, jump around every kind of hobby and school-related topic. He was struggling trying to settle into one space, and often built up a lot of stress. Because of this, his mother and brother suggested he try some relaxing activities before hurting himself with stress, and he reluctantly agreed to join a yoga group run by a young girl from another school, who was actually Sandra. It didn't take long for Carl to become a flustering mess around her, finding her to be beautiful, kind and funny, a combo that would make any young teenage boy become a bumbling mess. Luckily for them, she found him charming, and the two started dating.

So, despite their issues at human, the two brothers were heading in a nice direction in their normal lives, even if their parents struggled to keep notice of all the changes and growth. But something was bound to happen, and it all came to a head when the boys graduated at the age of 18.

A dinner was held as a celebration, with other Tennyson families, and Natalie and Sandra were invited. At first, the night went smoothly, Verdona and Max clearly proud of their sons, and Frank and Carl were thankful to have support. But...one thing led to another that night, and some emotions and build up thoughts were finally revealed between, Carl, Frank, Verdona and Max. No one can quite remember how the argument started, perhaps when Max made a subtle reference to his secret job, or perhaps when Frank made a comment on Verdonas old spellbook.

Frank and Carl explained just how much they were frustrated and angry with their parents, stating how hard it was growing up trying to be normal, while knowing this big secret in their family life that no one in the world is supposed to know. They understood why Verdona and Max were the way they were, but that didn't excuse their behaviours and how Frank and Carl felt about the whole thing. Max and Verdona did argue back, understanding why the boys were hurt, but Verdona can't help what and who she is, and that Max's job, while not easy to live with, is important for a reason...Either way, both sides had something to say that night, with Carl and Frank having to now explain to their girlfriends about aliens and such.

So when their graduation day came, things were awkward in the air, with Carl and Frank avoiding their parents, one even making a comment to Verdona that if she really wants to...she can leave, and they wouldn't stop her. And it stun, and made Verdona step back to think about things, taking an entire night to process what to do next.

She felt that there was no good with her staying, only hurting her sons more just by being there, reminding them of the things they don't like about their lives. And deep down...Verdona knew she didn't want to stay any longer. She missed her home, she missed the galaxy, she missed magic, she missed having not to pretend to be an alien she wasn't. She was tired of hiding and lying to herself. It didn't help that, every time she looked at Max, he was ageing, while she wasn't. She couldn't grow old like a human, she couldn't be the mother her sons needed, she couldn't be what the family wanted, even with all the power she had. She had failed them all.

So one day, she left. She gave Max, Frank and Carl each a letter explaining herself, telling them that she loves them, but for the better, she had to leave, for their sakes and her sake. For the next few months, even a year or two, the family was foggy, distant, unsure how to think or feel. In some ways, yes, they agree Verdona leaving may have been the better option, but that doesn't mean they don't love her and miss her. And while she wasn't gone for good, visiting from time to time, like on birthdays or sometimes holidays, things just weren't the same ever again.

While Max still loved Verdona, he was wise enough to know that things change, finding love with a few others, like Xylene, and eventually deciding to retire when the time was right. And while his bond with his sons may always be a little off, he does still try and connect with them now, and they do give him a chance, even if they don't know how to feel sometimes.

Max knows he lost his chance to be a proper family with his sons, but when his grandkids came around, he realised he could at least be the grandfather they needed. And while Frank and Carl still have issues with their father, they can appreciate that he makes their grandkids happy, especially when guiding and protecting Gwen and Ben through the alien world they want to explore.

[amwritingmeta]

End of S15 Spec: Is Cas Returning to Heaven?

My dearlings, my sweetlings, my buttery, Scottish shortbreads -

We’re in times of great turmoil right now and my only way to relax myself out of the need to check my Twitter feed every other minute and retweet all the inspiring or infuriating or educational stuff that’s coming at me left, right and centre, is to write. I started working on this piece of spec a little while back, after talking to @waywardliliana (hey girl hey) and last week I felt inspired to start writing this spec-meta-hopes-and-wishes-whathaveyou, so here we are.

This spec was actually brought on by Liliana telling me a prevailing theory in fandom right now (or a few weeks back) which is that Cas is going to die in 15x18. 

As far as I understand it from Liliana, this theory is based on the fact that Jensen and Misha were talking at VegasCon about having shot a heavy scene just the two of them (and quite possibly with Alex) before heading off to the con, and this scene is taking place sometime during 15x18.

That’s literally all I know, but that’s what I’m basing this spec on: something heavy happening between Dean and Cas in 15x18 as per “confirmed” by the actors themselves.

So, off the cuff: I don’t think Cas is going to die. 

Mostly due to narrative reasons, because I can’t see how him dying would service the story they’ve built for him this season whatsoever (let’s not forget about his deal with the Empty) (and I’ll dig deeper into that) nor how it would play into his individual arc as a whole, but also because it’s too repetitive. 

We’ve seen him die an angel death, we don’t need to see it again, nor would it be as impactful as Cas’ death at the end of S12 (and beginning of S7) where both instances can be looked at as serving to push Dean into a state of grief, where we got the chance to feel the loss and absence of Cas through how it affected Dean. Yeah? (yes!)

It’s always been beautifully handled, to be honest. Dean losing faith (and most starkly his faith in himself) when losing Cas. It happened in the S7 greif arc, and it happened in an even more condensed and pointed way in S13.

Because in S13, unlike in S7, Dean is no longer forcing a smile and pretending he’s okay. Instead, he’s wearing his anger like the armour it is, while telling Sam he’s fine, which Sam sees through very easily, and we do too, because of course he’s not fine. Until we finally get Dean admiting he needs Sam to keep the faith, because right now Dean can’t believe in a damn thing.

*mh mh good*

(it even happened to some extent in S15 after Cas left) (though then he was more in the I don’t give a fuck anymore mood) (once Cas comes back who is it that suddenly cracks the case of how to fight God wide open?) (yup) (our Dean that’s who)

So what would Cas dying bring to Dean’s individual arc this time around? 

What would Cas dying mean for Cas’ individual arc? 

Cas has died specifically to underpin Dean’s progression (or rather, to show us where that progression needs to take him) (and to give us a gorgeous underlining of how Cas is Dean’s happiness because of Dean’s attitude change when Cas comes back in S13) (hey-oh!) and Cas has died specifically to allow for his own rebirth, to push him into a new stage in his own progression toward self-actualisation, so killing him at the end of his journey would mean… he ends up in the Empty?

But the tying up of the dangling loose end that is Cas’ deal with the Empty needs to be linked directly to Cas giving himself permission to be happy.

I will dig deeper into this, but I doubt we’re getting him permitting himself to be happy in 15x18, because looking at this show’s narrative structure as it’s always been used before: either this moment needs to be linked back to his individual arc and his growing sense of identity, or it needs to be tied to Dean (because no enormous turning point for either character happens without it affecting the other) and neither of these are, to me, entirely viable.

That said, I mostly don’t see Cas ever going back to the Empty based in what I see the Empty as symbolically representative of, which is Cas’ Shadow, his unconscious, and Cas returning to its dwelling is a symbolical statement of defeat. He can’t fight the Empty, he can’t destroy the Empty, not while he is in the place where the Empty has the upper hand completely. Cas ending up in the Empty means his Shadow has won, there will be no integration, no self-actualisation, and Cas’ journey ends on a tragic note indeed. 

Is that a fair reward for someone who has just overcome his fear of happiness? Because when the Empty shows to claim Cas, we’ll know that this is exactly what has happened, and it’s an incredibly important moment for Cas’ progression, signaling self-acceptance and self-love, daring to allow himself to feel that happiness, and, or so I would hope, doing so in clear defiance of the Empty’s lingering threat. 

Because Cas feeling that strong in himself that he actually permits himself the happiness of the moment, knowing full well that it means the Empty will show, and feeling ready to face it head on (I mean, I have a loophole in mind, but I’ll get to that), it would be gigantically symbolic of how he’s crossing that threshold he’s been stood on for so long, no longer letting any of his fears rule him, no longer feeling any doubt or mistrust in himself.

*gah*

Cas actually being claimed right after his happiest moment and ending up in the Empty is not a fair reward, and Cas will not be narratively punished for reaching the climax of his progression. 

So, no, I simply do not believe he’s set to die.

More on the Empty and all that happiness goodness as we go along.

Now, the following thoughts are based in my reading of this narrative, so let’s proceed with caution and I’m handing out salt for you to sprinkle all over this piece of pure speculation. Sprinkle it at will, please!

Let’s begin with my main speculation for the final few episodes of S15, which is:

Cas’ powers are fully restored and he goes back to Heaven.

How would this happen? I would suggest that, as we’re witnessing Jack begin to come into his full power (he’s already levelled up from archangel), growing ever more sure of himself in the process, we may get to witness the full extent and wonder of that power, and what better way to showcase the budding culmination of them, than through Jack mending Cas’ broken wings? 

Of course, this is mere conjecture. There are a multitude of ways that Cas might end up powered up. Even God could play a role. Suggesting Jack is the source of this transformation is merely to create a foundation for the scenario, and it’s also fitting, as Jack has served to bring Cas a great deal of faith in his own capabilities, so Jack would serve well to give Cas the final push toward self-realisation, and Cas may very well need to remember what being whole as an angel feels like, to gain perspective on how to answer the ever-lingering questions of who he is and who he wants to be.

The biggest questions on the table for me, if this were to happen, are: 

Would we get a heartfelt goodbye between Dean and Cas in 15x18 (heavy stuff), where their respective role in the other’s growth comes to a conclusion, and they take the lessons learned and carry on alone, but fulfilled, and grateful for having known each other, leading to a series ending where Cas stays in Heaven? 

Or—>

Would we get to witness that heartfelt goodbye between Dean and Cas, but then, instead of staying in Heaven, would we get Cas, fully powered, gain the perspective he needs of who he truly is and who he wants to be, leading to a series ending where Cas chooses to become human, returning to Earth and all the shenanigans of a hunter life?

And finally —>

Is there a middle ground here?

There’s an old narrative question that comes to mind, posed to Cas in S9 (you know of which I speak), which is an articulation of Castiel’s deepest internal conflict, serving as motor for the character journey he’s pushed onto through meeting, and saving, Dean Winchester.

Two years ago I wrote an essay based around this question, and now, at the very end, I’m going to pose it again, and build the following meta analysis and speculation around what my answers to the above questions are, and why. 

Angel or Man?

One straightforward question.

And yet, Cas’ identity crisis has been with him from the very start of S4, and this question has been at the back of his mind, grating away, causing confusion and erroding his sense of self, because he’s loyal to everyone but himself (perfectly mirroring Dean) and that dual loyalty - Heaven and Dean (humanity) - has always been the baseline for why he can’t answer this straightforward question for himself.

Since S13, when he got himself out of the clutches of the Empty and chose to return to Earth, there’s been, to my mind, a heavy subtextual hinting at Cas having made an actual and very real choice of where he wants to belong - no longer waiting to be told he belongs there, the way he’s shown to be throughout S12 - and this real choice of where he wants to belong comes after we’ve gotten to witness his declaration of love towards Dean and the Winchesters, Cas telling them they’re his family in 12x12, so it fits nicely with his internal progression.

It fits especially nicely when considering the Empty as a symbolic representative of Cas’ Shadow (Carl Jung for the win).

Because Cas standing up to his unconscious fears and telling them to release him makes a double underlining for why Cas, from 13x04 and onward, has been shown to be growing into his sense of belonging, leading to him finding clarity of where to draw the line for himself, without worrying about outside opinion; this moving into a sense of real self-worth reaching a culmination in him standing up for himself to Dean in 15x03.

In fact, Cas standing up for himself was an enormous internal turning point for him, and brought on an enormous internal turning point for Dean, which may hopefully lead to clarity for him as well, and healing, as Cas putting his foot down forced Dean to finally be the one to name the feeling that usually overrides everything else: his anger.

(many secondary characters have tried to bring this awareness as they’ve pointed this out to him) (dark!Kaia especially) (but it took Cas’ righteous anger and distancing for Dean to finally be forced into a position to admit it to himself) (and through it, admit his lack of control over it) (huuuuge step in his movement toward much needed self-insight) (being honest with yourself is the first step!)

*gah*

Now, if Cas has been shown to choose where he wants to belong, for himself: Earth; then throughout S13 and into S14 he was still shown to be heavily reliant on his core trait of loyalty in order to have a pronounced direction, because, to me, his purpose throughout these two seasons leading into S15 still needed to be dictated by where he could apply his sense of duty.

Once he returned from the Empty, it was made perfectly clear that his sense of duty had gone from Heaven, to Humanity. 

Not only is this shown through how Cas states, more than once, that he willed himself back to Earth in order to fulfull his promise to Kelly Kline and protect her son, but it’s also given to us in how he uses his angelic powers for torture, once of his own accord, and then (horrifyingly) under the orders of Dean: Cas no longer serves Heaven, he serves Man. (more specifically Dean)

However horrifying - because he shouldn’t be taking orders at all, and he shouldn’t use his powers as a weapon like that - this shift is necessary to underline Cas’ evolving relationship with Heaven, which had its first nail driven into its coffin with Naomi, when she forced Cas to slaughter all those Deans, and its final nail given to us through Cas killing Duma, Cas showing us that he is now refusing to allow Heaven to exact any authority over him and, intriguingly enough for where we’re at now, rather choosing to deplete the needed Heavenly power source in order to kill a would-be oppressor, rather than see Heaven fall back into its previous totalitarian mode of regime.

Cas learning lessons in humanity and wanting to take them to Heaven to fix his home has been part of his arc since the end of S5, to rather disastrous effect, since he was ill-equipped to properly understand and incorporate lessons only half-learned.

Through him breaking away from Dean and leaving the bunker in 15x03, Cas showed independence in a way he never has before. 

Of course, he’s always been the one to leave at a moment’s notice or disappear without so much as a by-your-leave, but this was a confrontation, tied directly to Dean’s inability to listen and to forgive. 

It’s Cas refusing to be taken for granted, and this shows us how the biggest lesson the narrative has been trying to teach him is finally beginning to take proper hold, because refusing to be taken for granted means that his self-worth is at a point where he’s able to expect more for himself, because he knows he deserves better.

And, or so this meta writer would argue, because he knows Dean is better than how he’s behaving, and Cas is fed up with enabling Dean’s self-righteousness. *headcanon*

So, Cas is now equipped with a lot of the tools needed to bring actual balance to Heaven, to bring strong, good leadership that doesn’t look at human beings as something to scrape off the sole of their shoe. He has a stronger understanding of why humans human, and a sense of compassion that doesn’t cause doubt or confusion, but leaves him secure in his own viewpoint.

That said, we still have him identifying himself as a “thing” in the latter part of S14, which is something that leaves us without the actual answer to the above question, because even towards the end of S14 we have Cas unable to label himself as either or.

In fact, I would say that labeling himself a “thing” alongside Jack - a nephilim who is of Heaven, Earth and Hell - speaks to some amount of identity confusion. 

So then. 

Let’s ponder the final episodes - keeping in mind we’re just having some fun speculating - and consider the possibilities surrounding the final destination of Cas’ character journey, as well as how the possible outcomes affect his relationship with Dean. 

Castiel, Angel of the Lord

Scenario the First —> Cas’ powers are fully restored and…

We get a heartfelt goodbye between Dean and Cas in 15x18 (heavy stuff), where their respective role in the other’s growth comes to a conclusion, and they take the lessons learned and carry on alone, but fulfilled, and grateful for having known each other, leading to a series ending where Cas stays in Heaven.

I mean, it’s emotionally neat, to be honest, because if we leave Destiel to the side and look at the plain text, Dean and Cas’ bond can be tied to their respective individual journeys through how Cas represents Faith to Dean, and Dean represents Humanity to Cas.

They are each other’s most repressed sides manifested, and they are an externalisation of each other’s internal compass, pointing them to the internal work they need to do to be able to reach self-actualisation through acknowledging, accepting and embracing what the other represents to them.

For Dean, it’s learning to have faith in himself, to trust, and in so doing, letting go of his need for control, tied directly to that anger of his.

For Cas, it’s facing and fully accepting the innate humanity he’s always displayed, trusting in it and having no reason to question, doubt or fear it.

So if we get a series ending where Dean is finally having pronounced faith (in himself, not in a higher power) (which is why God as the Big Bad is especially fitting like omfg), and this faith allowing him to tap into his sense of trust (in others rather than himself, but also this extended trust being possible thanks to his newfound trust in himself) and this sense of trust brings about some much needed inner peace, then Cas’ role in Dean’s arc has been fulfilled. 

And if we have Cas bringing his accrued understanding and internalised humanity (trusting that his sense of compassion is a strength, not a weakness) back to Heaven in order to bring about actual balance and finally mending what he himself has played a large part in breaking apart, then that would fit with Cas’ overall arc and the lessons Dean, as a role model, was meant to teach will be implemented. 

Neat.

Except.

Except for the fact that, if Cas goes fully-fledged angel, returns to Heaven and the series ends on him staying there, these three narratively unsatisfactory points hold true:

He will still, when dead, be bound for the Empty

He will be giving up his family

He will, end of the day, be embracing duty over freedom

Yeah, we need to talk about these three unsatisfactory points, fam.

1. The Empty

Ah, yes, here we go. 

The lay of the land is that Cas made a deal with the Empty to save Jack. I wrote a long meta on this so I won’t go into too much detail, save to say that it’s a deal that left Cas promised to the Empty, with the twist that the Empty won’t claim Cas before he gives himself permission to be happy.

Yeah. Ouch much?

I’ve already argued my point for why I doubt Cas will die, but what would happen in a scenario where Cas returns to Heaven fully-fledged, meant to remain there for the rest of his… existence?

I would suppose there would needs be a reckoning between the Empty and Cas before Cas commits to this return, because since they planted the Empty lording its deal with Cas over Cas’ head as recently as 15x13, I have a hard time seeing the writers solving this plot point with anything less than us seeing Cas relaxing into a moment of happiness-permission.

That said, let’s say they do. Let’s say there’s a flick-of-the-wrist solution. I don’t think there will be, but for the sake of argument. And by flick-of-the-wrist I mean we get the Empty showing up in a moment where Cas is truly happy, but the Empty’s appearance doesn’t hold sway thanks to some external force: Jack or Death herself, rather than an internal triumph linked entirely to his individual arc, or in any way linked back to Dean. 

(and though some may argue against the love story being canonically viable) (though I’d argue that it is) (the fact that Dean and Cas share a profound bond and a different dynamic to Sam and Cas, and even Dean and Sam, is canonically established) (through both grief!arcs for Dean) (and through Cas choosing to leave in S15 having everything to do with Dean and absolutely nothing to do with Sam)

Solving the deal with the Empty is fairly easily done, even though the flick-of-the-wrist solution won’t be as satisfactory for most of us who know Cas and root for him, and even if the flick-of-the-wrist moment could conceivably come with someone powerful enough (like Jack or even Death, who, though she won’t do hands on interference, seems to have made a promise to the Empty that it will get to go back to sleep once all is said and done) (but, as we know, Billie speaks in riddles), despite the viable characters possibly powerful enough to destroy the Empty, actually destroying it immediately feels, to me, like too big of a cop out and I doubt the writers would even consider it. 

Again, this is very much based in my reading of the Empty as Cas’ Shadow, and Cas’ Shadow shouldn’t be destroyed. 

For it all to symbolically line up, the Empty should be symbolically integrated. 

(the way Michael - Dean’s Shadow representative - wasn’t destroyed, but instead had his essence swallowed down by Jack, becoming a part of him instead, and all that symbolic toxic masculinity poison inside Jack leading to all sorts of narrative repercussions, needing to be levelled out by Jack growing enough to retrieve his soul and return his own internal equilibrium) (which, in turn, is highly symbolic on so many levels) (but enough digression)

Based on this, once the battles are won and God has been defeated, the Empty would remain. So even though the deal is dealt with through whatever means it’s dealt with: that dark, vast, nothing would be the place where angels who die go to suffer a restless, horrific sleep.

For eternity. 

And that’s my first argument for why I personally do not want Cas to remain an angel past the conclusion of the show: the Empty looms as victor and will eventually get to claim Cas, even if Cas gets out of the deal he’s made.

I mean, how likely is it that Cas doesn’t face death at some point, really? He’s pretty prone to dying, especially dying for what he believes to be right. 

Digression into The Middle Ground as it should be tied in here:

The Middle Ground

Scenario the Third —> 

Is there a middle ground here?

Now, here’s a bit of a rub, because way I see it, exploring if there’s a possibility of Cas ending up neither fully-fledged nor human needs to be based in the assumption that Cas isn’t getting his powers back at all.

Which means that, in this middle ground scenario, whatever exchange that occurs between Dean and Cas in 15x18 has nothing to do with them. 

For example, the heavy scene that Jensen and Misha were talking about Dean and Cas suffering through could have to do with Jack, though if something terrible is going to happen to Jack or if Jack is going to sacrifice himself for the greater good, I have a hard time seeing Sam not being present.

However, for arguments sake…

In this scenario, where Cas doesn’t power up, we should thirdly assume that we’re left with there being no reason for Cas to choose a human life either. 

He simply remains in the same shape and form in which he currently is. 

The same shape and form that he’s held since S9, when he suited back up after the human!Cas arc and readied himself for war, necessarily and formidably and to his emotional detriment for many years as it brought on his darkest arc (Lucifer possession). 

This choice was a narrative necessity, because human!Cas was already growing into his own skin by 9x09, and it’s made perfectly clear why Cas had to go through it all, because he had to face his fear of being useless without his powers, and unaccepted as an equal and nothing more than expendable with them.

So, would the middle ground scenario - keeping him as is, with all the character progression intact and him, clearly, set to grow and evolve beyond the series’ ending - be narratively satisfactory?

And by narratively satisfactory I mean that this scenario:

ties up loose ends

justifies the obstacles Cas has had to overcome in order to get to where he is in his progression

leaves us with a good understanding of what the future holds for him, judging from where he’s at in his arc at the conclusion of the narrative

I’ll get back to this, but for now I’ll reiterate how Cas remaining an angel in any shape or form, be it the one he’s had for many a season, or a new and powered up version, still means, as per our narrative, that he’s going to have to spend eternity in the Empty.

So, no. 

To me - not satisfactory.

Now for the second point up for discussion, should the series end with Cas becoming fully-fledged and returning to Heaven to stay there —>

(while bearing in mind that this is all conjecture and based in my reading of this narrative) (don’t forget them pinches of salt, my loves)

2. Giving Up His Family

Would he have to give up his family, though? If he goes fully-fledged and returns to Heaven to lead in any capacity, doesn’t that just mean that he’ll hear Dean’s prayers and return as often as he can? Which, if their previous track record is anything to go by, would be often. It’s not like this is an ending, right?

Well. 

I think it has to be for the narrative to actually have a conclusion. 

They could half-ass it and leave the ending open to interpretation, sure; but the question as it stands to be answered is for Castiel to choose between being an angel and being a man, and narratively the half-assed answer is how he’s been living for the majority of his journey.

He has, since S9, been sincerely stuck between these two modes of existing, one foot in Heaven and the other out of it, and for a lot of his progression, this half-assed state of existence has meant horribly broken wings and thinking himself only useful as a weapon.

The narrative itself has pushed for Cas’ internal conflict to be centered on how to honestly answer the question of what his true identity is, and the only way for him to answer it honestly is to gain perspective enough so that he’s able to take a long hard look at who he wants to be.

Due to this, Cas’ internal conflict, since S4, has been circling Cas’ avoidance of being honest with himself. (perfectly mirroring Dean)

So for the narrative to end on the answer being angel, only for Cas to continue to be allowed to half-ass it (because it would be too sad to watch him make a choice that means giving up his family) leaves his journey, and all those hard-learned lessons, coming across as rather pointless. 

He was stuck half-assing it for all these years because he hadn’t found the needed perspective to answer the question honestly, so if his honest answer is angel and this honest answer is meant to bring self-actualisation and a step toward real internal balance (or internal completion, if you will) then leaving him in a half-assing it state as the narrative concludes is unsatisfactory.

Let’s look again at the ways to narratively satisfactorily end Cas’ journey:

tying up loose ends

justifying the obstacles Cas has had to overcome in order to get to where he is in his progression

leaving us with a good understanding of what the future holds for him, judging from where he’s at in his arc at the conclusion of the narrative

The answer is yes to all of these points if Cas becomes a fully-fledged angel and STAYS in Heaven, with no detours to Earth, because angels aren’t meant to walk the Earth, and it was them walking the Earth after staying away for two thousand years that really started this whole roller coaster ride of destruction and mayhem, right? Right.

Castiel making peace with his past and accepting the fact that he was never meant to live an earthbound existence, taking all the good things humanity has taught him, and fully embracing his own innate humanity in order to take away the fear and indoctrination of Heaven, would make for a satisfactory ending to his individual arc.

At least the superficial reading of it.

And I’m not about the superficial reading of it. 

And of course I don’t want this for Cas. But looking at it from a purely narrative viewpoint, I can see how this could work.

It just means that Cas would have to recognise his ties to Dean for what they are (in this scenario): a teachable moment. And Cas has learned his lessons. And he’ll always be grateful, but it’s time for him to let go.

Yeah, like I said, I don’t want this for Cas or for Cas and Dean, but I can see it as viable. More viable than Cas half-assing it as a fully-fledged angel, because that leaves a much bigger narrative exclamation point for me in that it basically invalidates the necessity for his broken wings and rebellion as part of his character growth.

If he’s going to land back exactly where he started, then he should’ve been able to get there fully-fledged. But, of course, he couldn’t get there fully-fledged because the writers couldn’t work him into the narrative if he was powered up.

He was always too powerful an ally to the very breakable brothers, and if he’d been fully-fledged throughout, it would’ve messed up our sense of the stakes.

But now, should he be allowed to half-ass it as fully-fledged once the narrative has ended, his brokeness, which has always been so essential to his progression, will come across much less as an integral part of that, and all the more like nothing but a narrative necessity, rather than a way to structure and explore Cas’ needs as a character for internal growth that have always, so beautifully, mirrored Dean’s needs.

Of course, if Cas were to choose to go back (forever), then there’s the highly satisfactory tie-back potential of a goodbye between Cas and Dean linking right back to the end of S8, giving us the gravitas of the “ET goes home” moment in full regalia.

It would be heartbreaking af, but for it to hold that gravitas, ET really has to get on that spaceship and go off home forever this time. You know?

In my book, it would be the tragedy to end all tragedies. *please no*

3. Duty over Freedom

This is a big one for me.

It’s a big one because the overarching and driving themes of our narrative have always had to do with —>

identity (and self-worth)

family (and loyalty)

freedom of choice (and duty)

And the constant push and pull of these three thematic threads decrees the ups and downs of Cas’ progression, as well as Dean’s, because of the way that their deeply rooted view on duty is directed at everything and everyone but themselves, and this view on duty is informed by their sense of loyalty, and that sense of loyalty is all askew due to their lack of self-worth.

Sam has this same duty-triggered sense of loyalty as well, though in a slightly different guise, because though Dean and Cas have both been messed up by their respective fathers’ indoctrination into soldierdome (the root of the root of their view on duty) Sam’s sense of duty is to his father figure, which is Dean. 

Sam may have rejected feeling any sense of duty towards John, but the codependency has ensured that Sam is still stuck in the same pattern, has learned it, one might say, through looking up to Dean and, to my mind, knowing the sacrifices Dean has always made, putting Sam first, no matter what, and the codependency has held due to Sam’s diminished self-worth after every choice he made during his time with Ruby. 

Defeating the devil and saving the world, in spite of those choices, wasn’t enough to heal the trauma he inflicted on his own self-perception, and his trust began to seep out of him with every new situation lobbied at him where control was taken away from him. So he handed that control over to Dean. And let him lead. Because it was just easier. 

(I love this show so much) (the threading is so breathtaking)

Now, back to Cas —>

The narrative has worked to teach Cas a lesson.

The lesson of choice.

But making choices without having the self-worth to trust your innate instincts, as well as having an understanding of your own morals and boundaries, is a recipe for disaster.

As the narrative has shown us, time and again.

Each horrific choice Cas has made has been pushing for him to gain enough self-insight that he’ll learn from his mistakes, and grow.

And he has.

There is the darker side of duty, the one where one does what one has to, where one makes the bad deal, where fear is allowed to govern one’s sense of direction, and old patterns are easier to remain in than forging new ones.

This is the sense of duty all of our main characters seem set to break away from.

But, of course, their core traits are also informed by their deeply felt need to protect innocent life, to step in where they know they’re the only ones who can actually make a difference, to take responsibility for ensuring the safety of people who are in harms way.

Yah, this sense of duty (the one that makes them into actual heroes) is informed by the good side to loyalty.

What they need to break away from is following old patterns blindly, without asking themselves what they actually want, and without much planning or hope for the future. 

So if the scenario we get is the one that gives us Castiel, Angel of the Lord, where he goes back to Heaven at the end of the series, with all the bells and whistles that comes along with that, allowing Cas to actually bring about some sense of peace and order and fix his home, then we still get the unsatisfactory ingredient of Cas reverting back to old patterns, because we have this stated:

You listen to me. Look, thank you. Thank you. Knowing you… It’s been the best part of my life, and the things we’ve shared together - they have changed me. You’re my family. I love you. I love all of you.

We have it narratively stated through dialogue that Cas:

considers his time on Earth the best part of his “life” (a very human thing for an angel to say btw)

that what he’s shared with the Winchesters has changed him (and we’ve seen that manifested in all of the choices he’s made throughout S13-15 where he stopped serving Heaven, began serving Man only to, by beginning of S15, start to serve himself, listening to his own wants and needs and setting clear boundaries for how he expects to be treated)

that he considers the Winchesters - and, of course, this now includes Jack - as his family

and he loves them

He loves them. One might say that his heart is, symbolically, earthbound.

Back to the bulletpoint overview of how to narratively satisfactorily end Cas’ journey and, keeping in mind the three points discussed above of what remaining an angel at the end of his journey would actually mean for Cas as a character, we ask ourselves:

Does him remaining an angel satisfactorily tie up loose ends?

Does him remaining an angel justify the obstacles he’s had to overcome in order to get to where he is in his progression?

Does him remaining an angel leave us with a good understanding of what the future holds for him, judging from where he’s at in his arc at the conclusion of the narrative?

For me, it’s a pretty big and hella bold-lettered no to the first two, and a meh to the third one, because yes, we’ll get a good idea of what a Heavenbound Cas might do with his existence, but it’s not a satisfactory yes, because of all the already mentioned reasons. 

He’ll have answered the identity question by choosing Angel as his reply, but that reply nullifies so much of the emotional growth he’s done over the years, and goes against the multitude of narrative statements given to us of where he feels he belongs.

So, nothing else to do but to discuss the second possible scenario on our checklist, right?

Yaaaaassss indeed. Not going to lie. I’m partial to this one. Pardon me if my love for the human!Cas arc shines through. (it glitters and sparkles)

So Very, Very Human

Scenario the Second —> Cas’ powers are fully restored and…

We get to witness that heartfelt goodbye between Dean and Cas, but then, instead of staying in Heaven, we get Cas, fully powered, gaining the perspective he needs of who he truly is and who he wants to be, leading to a series ending where Cas chooses to become human, returning to Earth and all the shenanigans of a hunter life.

My main reason for standing so firmly behind the idea of Castiel cutting out his grace and choosing a human life is anchored in the three thematic tentpoles of this narrative’s push for character progression.

As already mentioned, they are:

identity (and self-worth)

family (and loyalty)

freedom of choice (and duty)

The in-between state Cas has been hovering in since Dean’s death at the end of S9, an in-between state that won’t be satisfactorily concluded (as per my above argumentation against it) through him becoming a fully-fledged powered up angel of the lord warrior of Heaven again, would be satisfactorily concluded should he choose, for himself, that where he wants to be, where he belongs, is with his family.

He belongs on Earth.

And the foremost reason for why he belongs on Earth isn’t actually based in the fact that it’s where those he loves are, it runs deeper than that, because in order for Cas to feel whole, in order for him to feel, as the narrative has put it more than once in the last few seasons, complete, he needs to accept what his true form is, he needs to open up to what the narrative has tried to teach him and show him, for all these years, that it is, and that true form is human.

Do we need him to feel whole? There are plenty of broken people in this world, right? Why can’t Cas be representative of someone who has found his place, regardless of whether he’s all fixed up? Perhaps he keeps his broken wings and still changes his attitude from feeling like he’s a “thing” to thinking of himself as simply himself?

Perhaps he already is doing exactly that?

This line of questioning brings us back to —>

The Middle Ground

Let’s reiterate Scenario the Third: based in the assumption that Cas isn’t getting his powers back at all, and we’re left with there being no reason for Cas to choose a human life either. He simply remains in the same shape and form that he’s more or less held since S9.

Now, I’ll ask it again: would the middle ground scenario - keeping him as is, with all the character progression intact and him, clearly, set up to grow and evolve beyond the series’ ending - be narratively satisfactory?

Does it tie up loose ends?

Does it justify the obstacles Cas has had to overcome in order to get to where he is in his progression?

Does it leave us with a good understanding of what the future holds for him, judging from where he’s at in his arc at the conclusion of the narrative?

Well, let’s see.

Does Cas remaining as he has been - broken wings and all - tie up loose ends?

Loose ends for Cas would be the fact that Heaven is falling apart; the deal with the Empty; answering that overarching question of Angel or Man? (no longer considering himself an in between thing); claiming the place where he belongs (a Cas is Back in Town moment); displaying a healthy sense of duty (shield rather than weapon) and narratively being rewarded for Big Lessons Learned.

Loose End: Heaven is Falling Apart —>

As mentioned, Cas has tried to fix his home since end of S5, where he declared that was he was going to do to a grief stricken Dean, and left (oh Cas)

Cas’ first attempt was to bring what he’d learned about free will to Heaven, trying to teach it to the angels, discovering, to his great despair, that it’s like trying to teach poetry to fish, but, again, I would argue that Cas wasn’t fully equipped to act the teacher, and because he forced himself into the role, seeing no other way to beat Raphael than to push for the type of rebellion he learned how to stage through his time with Dean, it ended with Cas’ confused sense of identity manifesting in him morphing into the figure he’d hoped could save them all: God.

Rather than believing he was enough, he could see no other choice but to become something else entirely, something that went against everything he truly believes to his core to be right, turning him into something violent and discompassionate, pushing him to finally admit the error in his choice, only to have it be too late, and that choice ending up setting the Leviathan loose on the world while he died in that lake, paying the ultimate price for his mistakes.

This part of Cas’ backstory, the deep failure, the shame, the guilt that came with it, has been underpinning Cas’ lack of self-worth and, more importantly, his lack of self-trust ever since he came back in 7x17. 

This is why Heaven now sitting on the brink of collapse is tied so specifically to his character journey and why it’s an important loose end that is in need of tying up, not only plot wise, but as part of a narrative statement clarifying Cas’ progression.

How so?

Because there should be good reason - whether Cas stays on Earth as is, or whether he makes the choice to become human - for him to feel at peace with that choice, and especially if Cas is to stay as is - broken wings and all - there’s even more reason for us to understand that he’s no longer in-between Heaven and Earth: he’s able to let Heaven go.

So if Heaven is no longer crying out for him to, out of sheer narrative necessity, stay dutifully tied to that sense of guilt and shame that his previous failures have placed in him, keeping him feeling ever so responsible for his birthplace, making it rather impossible for him to actually weigh what he truly wants for himself, then once Heaven is balanced out, what we might get to witness is Cas able to definitively let Heaven go. Cas making one final choice of remaining on Earth, and making it for himself.

Saving Heaven from this threat of continued errosion is most easily accomplished through two narrative tools that are already established in the narrative:

Jack using his powers to help restore this balance 

or an archangel returning to Heaven and restoring a semblence of it’s former glory (Michael might change his mind...for example)

Both these things can happen without Cas being fully-fledged, nor does he need to be human, he can stay just as he’s been and Heaven can still find balance. 

One could even see how Heaven actually being balanced out at the end of the series and Cas being allowed to breathe again could be structured into serving as his narrative reward for Big Lessons Learned. Because there should be a reward at the end of Cas’ journey. He’s literally been to Hell and back. 

The thing is that for that reward to be apparent to us, we need to see the moment where he truly earns it, a moment that establishes that he’s not only aware of what the narrative has been pushing for him to learn, but the Big Lessons are internalised and his journey has worked to evolve him.

The simplest way of showing these Big Lessons Learned to the audience and clarifying this moment of Cas earning his reward, is by giving us a sense of Cas choosing. 

Why? 

Because the narrative, as already offered, is based in the theme of Freedom of Choice, and ideally Cas’ choice would tie directly in with the other two overarching themes of identity and family.

Which lands us in this question: What exactly would Cas be shown to choose should he remain as is? 

Because, to my mind, Cas remaining as he is makes it pretty difficult to show him making any sort of choice, since he is literally just staying as he has been, especially as he has been since he made that choice back in 13x04 of returning from the Empty to Earth, being sent back in his old vessel. 

See, he’s already chosen where he wants to belong, and S15, if anything, has underlined this choice having been made, through Cas’ confrontation with Dean, Cas leaving the bunker because of Dean, and then returning, before Dean apologised, because Dean being a dickhead no longer interferes with Cas’ sense of self: he knows where he belongs.

(and without him returning nothing will change) *slow eye-brow raise*

And it may not have been an overt Cas is Back in Town moment, but it came damn close.

So, then, what choice does he need to make?

For me, the choice isn’t where to belong, because the answer has been given to us through his actions since S13, but especially throughout S15, but rather the choice still ahead of him is how to belong. 

And lest we forget, should Cas choose to belong on Earth as an angel, he will still, by all accounts, be headed for the Empty once all is said and done, Because at the end of it all, the Empty will (most likely) get to go back to sleep. I cannot see it going bye-bye. 

So the fact remains that, even if there’s some way out of Cas’ current Empty deal, there’s nowhere else for Cas to go when he dies.

And after everything he’s been through (and as per the romantic in me) shouldn’t he get to go to Heaven, and shouldn’t it be a shared Heaven, one where his soulmate resides? I would argue with my last breath that the answer is yes.

But, my loves, there’s only one way for him to get there. 

Oh, let me add that I don’t believe Cas still has his soul, because then he wouldn’t have gone so completely to the Empty after his angel death. Honestly, I like it better that way, because the humanity of humans is often professed to reside with their soul, but Cas is a statement of how one’s humanity is actually tied to one’s choices, giving us an excellent example of how it doesn’t matter what you are, it matters what you do. 

Jack’s choices, for example, may have become heavily influenced by him losing his soul and his ability to feel fully, but most of his mistakes were brought on because of the lack of guidance he suffered. WWWD was not a very good piece of advice, and had Dean been the one to take on the responsibility (which he couldn’t, because of his suspicion rooted in all his own fears, but if he had) then the outcome would’ve most likely been a different one. 

I’ll leave the How Cas Can Get Into Heaven topic for now, and focus us back on the loose ends, because the one that sticks out the most - at least to me - is how, if Cas were to remain as he is, neither getting his wings back nor choosing to become human, we will not get an actual answer to the narratively posed question of Angel or Man?

Loose End: The Question of His True Identity

Cas remaining as is, isn’t a final choice. 

It may be an acceptance of how he has to remain broken and somewhat stuck in-between if he’s to live on Earth and be with his human family, but it’s not a choice, not really, not this late in the game. 

For me, this isn’t a deal breaker (in fact, no scenario really is because I in no way expect all of this to be hitting the spot to a T anyway) but it would be highly unsatisfactory.

Why is it so important to get a definitive answer to the Angel or Man question? After all, it was posed six seasons ago and perhaps the narrative has actually moved on from it?

Yes, this is absolutely a good point and a possibility at that, and, again, I am in no way deluded enough to think that all of this speculation will hit on what we’ll actually get with even the slightest precision, but for my own sake (which is really why I’m outlining all these thoughts yeah?) I want to push for why I still feel, to my core, that leaving Cas with broken wings, even if he finds self-worth and self-actualisation in that half-state, there is something deeply unsatisfactory in the loose end of not actually answering the question of which side to him - the angelic or the human - that actually brings him the most happiness.

(I almost wrote “which side to him actually sparks joy”) (but no) (I mean kinda yes he should Marie Kondo his insides) (we all should do that once in a while) (them mean thoughts and them self-destructive impulses?) (yeah they can go) (anyway…)

Not giving us a definitive answer to the question of identity is especially dissatisfying as the narrative, for over ten years of character journey, has shown us how miserable it makes Cas to not be earthbound. In fact, the one time he made the choice to go back to Heaven and close the gates behind him forever in order to save humanity, the narrative said nope, don’t think so - and brought him right back to humanity. By making him human.

I will concede to this being my interpretation of Cas’ journey, because nowhere in canon is this stated, but way I see it, Cas has been transitioning from angel to human since the second he touched Dean in Hell.

And it’s not a desire placed there by Dean, it’s something Cas has carried within himself, a curiosity, and a seedling of doubt, ever since he came off the assembly line with a crack in his chassis. 

Gripping Dean tight and raising him from perdition merely served to give Cas’ already existing curiosity, and doubt, something to actually focus on. Something to focus on so hard that all the brainwashing done by Heaven couldn’t keep it at bay anymore, because it’s part of who Cas truly is to question authority, to seek free will, to not be used as a weapon, but to step in and act the shield of his own volition.

Which brings us back to the second scenario, which I’m now going to expand on —>

So Very, Very Human (again)

Remember those three tentpoles of this narrative’s push for character progression? 

identity (and self-worth)

family (and loyalty)

freedom of choice (and sense of duty)

And what were all those loose ends in need of being tied up?

Heaven is falling apart

The deal with the Empty

Answering that overarching question of Angel or Man? (no longer considering himself an in between thing)

Claiming the place where he belongs (a Cas is Back in Town moment)

Displaying a healthy sense of duty (shield rather than weapon) 

Narratively being rewarded for Big Lessons Learned

I am not saying Cas has to become human in order for his journey to conclude 100% satisfactorily, thus spake the lords of storytelling; I am open to (no I mean it sincerely) whatever is headed our way, whatever the writers choose as an ending that is satisfactory to them, I will accept it, whatever guise it takes, yeah? 

This is simply my personal preference for what would be the most satisfactory to me, and I’m making that statement now, because I’m about to go headfirst into outlining exactly why. Thanks for sticking with me this far. You’re awesome. *heart eyes*

Okay. 

Human!Cas. 

Before we look ahead, I’d like us to look back, all the way back to S9 and the human!Cas arc, because I’d like to explain, briefly, why I put down the need for a Cas is Back in Town moment amidst those loose ends.

You see, when Cas first experienced mortality, we all know it started rough. It started with him feeling lost and being all alone and getting himself killed and then it continued with him believing he’d finally come home to roost in the bunker, only to be inexplicably thrown out, by Dean, and then Cas went on to find himself a human persona (Steve) and learning to mimick other humans and doing simply what he figured was expected of him, and then Dean came into town and because Dean encouraged Cas to get in on the case, Cas was brought into a situation where he had no choice but to face the fear of getting himself killed again, only this time he’d probably stay dead - a fear that had been festering like a terrible festering festerer - and once he’d done that, he was able to finally admit to himself that “Steve” wasn’t anything but an armour and he dropped that armour and then we got the Cas is back in town moment of 9x09 fame.

So.

It would be awesome for him to have another Cas is Back in Town moment. 

Why, exactly?

Because that’s the moment in the human!Cas arc when we are shown, unequivocally, that Cas’ sense of identity is flourishing. He is choosing to insert himself into the investigation, even though the last time we saw Cas, it was when he was told by Dean Touchstone for all Things Human Winchester to go and live his life, basically having it explained to him, by his foremost role model for what humanity is, that life, and specifically this newfound life of Cas’, should be lived away from dangerous things. 

Cas being back in town, and happy and proud to be so, is all about Cas embracing his innate need to protect, even if that means risking his own life, and choosing a hunter life for himself, finding his way back to the people he loves by being entirely honest with himself about who he is and who he wants to be, not allowing fear to rule him. 

He follows his heart, you might say. (go on, you know you wanna say it)

And yes, out of narrative necessity - because Cas can’t see how he can help save/heal Sam or stave off the brewing war as a human - Cas then chooses to swallow stolen grace and get his powers back, which, btw, brings about the most heartbreaking phone exchange between Dean and Cas ever. Ow. My damn heart.

So then, that’s the human!Cas arc in brief, and the core reason for why I feel so very strongly that Cas - who screwed himself by swallowing that grace, unable to see how he could possibly be useful in the fight as a human, even though he displays a stronger sense of self as a human than he ever has as an angel - would be happiest, at the end of his journey, if he were to end it on making the choice to become human, to live a mortal life, with his family, on Earth.

And, yes, then, rather than spending eternity in the dread Empty, getting to go to Heaven with the man he goddamn well loves, innit?

Ah, but there’s more. Oh, yes.

1. Identity

In ways that remaining an angel narratively simply cannot provide, Cas choosing to become human would cement the end of his transitioning period and would be the final marker for those Big Lessons Learned.

The Big Lessons presented to him throughout the narrative, meant to bring him to a point of growth in his progression where he can finally and honestly and without hesitation answer the questions Who am I? and Who do I want to be? ie. What do I want? 

And, yes, if the answer to these questions were: Human. and To live a long and happy life. then this would also answer the question of what Cas’ true identity is, ie. it would provide the conclusive reply to the Angel or Man? query.

And yes, of course, so would the reply Angel, but as I’ve attempted to demonstrate through my above argumentation, replying Angel still comes with dangling loose ends.

I would also argue that Cas’ happiest moment could be, and even should be, tied to his moment of self-actualisation, his moment of finally being honest with himself, not only honest about where he truly belongs, but how he wants to belong there.

He’s been missing that PB&J, but he has never believed that he would be of any use in the fight if he doesn’t have his powers. He’s been unable to actually see himself as part of the Winchester clan if he doesn’t have something to bring to the table, because the last time he tried, he was left with what he saw as no other choice but to admit defeat and swallow that stolen grace, so that he could power back up and feel ready, feel less vulnerable, find those old, worn patterns and take comfort from them. 

To have Cas restored to full strength - because I do believe it would be a beautiful moment, not just for Cas, but for Jack as well, and if Dean is there, then it would be an all around gorgeous moment of healing - to then have Cas, with all his powers, finally admit that he doesn’t want them, because he doesn’t need them anymore, they’re not as much a part of him as they’re a helpful side effect to being an angel, and he doesn’t belong in Heaven, he doesn’t want to be in Heaven, and he may not know exactly what a human life will entail - he has an inkling, since his stint as a human, but there’s still so much he’s never experienced - he just knows he wants it.

And this would all be brain-crackling, full of satisfaction and tying up of many loose ends, as well as underlining the actual necessity for Cas’ journey through all of the Big Lessons Learned. *feels*

There could be stakes added here, tying back to S8 and the closing of the gates. To bring about balance, perhaps the gates of Heaven and Hell need to close for good? Ie. there’ll be no more angels and demons walking the Earth. So the choice for Cas wouldn’t be an in between one, it would be an either or. Stay in Heaven forever and remain an angel, or go back to Earth, but go back as a human. 

It fits the narrative if anything like this were to happen - Cas being confronted with an ultimatum that forces clarity - because Cas isn’t contemplating cutting out his grace. Not yet. He’s safe within the status quo and sees no reason to question it, not even with the Empty popping up to remind him of their deal.

Aw, yes, let’s explore how the Empty so neatly ties in with Cas’ fear of happiness. (perfectly mirroring Dean) 

Now, remember, I’m looking at this with the Empty as representative of Cas’ Shadow, which, in Carl Jung terms means the Empty is a manifestation of Cas’ unconscious. 

The Shadow, made up of repressed thoughts, desires and feelings, doesn’t trust that anything will ever be okay or that anything good will last - it’s up to oneself to consciously strive to dare to believe in such things, and conquer one’s unconscious fears, because if our fears are allowed to influence and rule us, then real happiness will be difficult to accept as lasting, and the emotional roller coaster will feel safer than actually standing still in a balanced frame of mind.

The Shadow is in charge of that roller coaster. It’s not really as menacing as it’s made out to be through the Empty, but it is still a side to oneself that one has to face, accept and integrate in order to find that balanced from of mind.

Looking at it from this point of view - and I do - the Shadow telling Cas to keep fearing that moment of happiness — because it won’t last, it will mean he’s bound for the Empty, and a horrifying eternal non-sleep, with no peace in sight — is a manipulative tactic to keep Cas from striving toward self-actualisation and integration.

Because if he does reach self-actualisation, if he balances himself out and gets a moment of perfect internal clarity, where there’s no need for fear, where he’s been able to be honest with himself and honestly LOVE himself in the process, then that moment of self-actualisation will allow him to see his Shadow clearly, and integrate it through acceptance of his own flaws - that shame and guilt and all of that fear of failure will begin to be healed, and his Shadow will have no more emotional buttons to push in order to keep Cas cowed, mistrusting of himself, and defeated.

His conscious self (ego) will no longer be ruled by his unconscious (shadow).

So how does Cas actually beat the deal?

I mean, from that above reading, I would say that a very effective way for him to break the deal is to stop fearing that moment of happiness, and by no longer allowing his fear to rule him, being able to reach his moment of self-actualisation, and the moment of integration.

Cas choosing to become human would be a moment of honesty, of self-insight, of acceptance. It would be a moment of deep, deep self-actualisation. A moment of real internal peace, followed, I would say, by a moment of true happiness.

So let me paint you a detailed spec scenario, because it demonstrates why I am so behind this idea, not that I think this is The Scenario, but because it simply makes sense and ticks all the boxes for satisfaction that are at the back of my head.

Fully-fledged Cas is in Heaven (which is balanced out thanks to Jack/Michael/Death or whatever constellation is created to Fix It) and Cas is now faced with the option to stay an angel, or to go back to Earth a human. 

He makes the choice - meaning his moment of true happiness. *identity based*

The Empty appears. 

But the thing is, Cas now knows what he’s found for himself by making this choice - a loophole.

He cuts out his grace doubly triumphant: he gets to go home, and the Empty has no hold over him anymore.

He is not for the Empty - he is human, and when he dies, he will go to Heaven.

It’s not about taking anything away from him or saying that he’s not fine just as he is, it’s building on the narrative push for him to accept himself, just as he’s always been, and stop fighting it, stop questioning it, stop worrying that he won’t be enough without his powers, that he won’t be able to contribute, that he won’t be looked at the same, because, in the end, when it comes to self-actualisation, all that matters is what you think and what you know to be your truth.

Self-actualisation is about your acceptance of yourself, it’s about your ability to love yourself through that acceptance, and it, in turn, opening you up to receiving love, knowing, to your core, that you are lovable and deserve to be loved.

With this scenario comes a Big Lessons Learned moment that sets Cas up for a reward. 

And what should it be?

2. Family

As already mentioned, we know who Cas considers to be his family: Dean, Sam and Jack.

If Jack doesn’t end up sacrificing himself for the greater good (which I feel is more plausible a death than any other), then his human side would, most likely, keep him on Earth. 

And then there’s Sam. Dear Sam. Who’s a friend in need and a friend, indeed.

Lastly, there’s Dean. And the depth of what Dean means for Cas, and what Dean narratively has meant for Cas’ progression, is pretty much impossible to overlook. 

I know I already brought this up, but I think it’s important to note, because whether we get a textual  pronounciation and conclusion to the subtextual love story between Dean and Cas, or whether it’s kept in subtext and merely strongly hinted at, the fact of the matter is that they matter to one another, more so than anyone else have ever mattered to them and this would, of course, provide the tragedy of a goodbye, should a goodbye be required, and the ending be tragic, but it also pushes on the very real fact of how a reward, in any guise, would most easily be tied to what they’ve narratively (and very canonically) have meant for one another.

Yes, when I say they matter more to each other than anyone else, this means even Sam for Dean, because Sam isn’t the character in the narrative put there to help push for Dean’s progression - Cas is. 

To put it plainly: the codependency is the placeholder, highlighting the progression that’s needed to reach self-actualisation. The trust and healthy challenges Dean shares with Cas is the opposite, underlining the fears he needs to face, and where he should get to emotionally, once he has reached self-actualisation. 

Cas’ relationship with Dean - and how Dean was a role model in all things human, at least up until the moment Cas stated there was nothing left to say and stepped out of that bunker, because he’d learned what he could and he had no interest in learning how to be so unforgiving, which was a Big Lesson, since it takes the label of teacher off Dean and allows him to be entirely something else - could easily serve as a satisfactory conclusion and statement of Cas having incorporated all the lessons of the narrative, especially since so many of them tie directly back to Dean.

Cas embracing his own humanity, for himself, without worrying about what that humanity might mean for anyone else, and believing himself deserving of love due to letting go of all those old fears, thanks to him reaching a point of self-actualisation, would mean that he would stop waiting for Dean to make a move, and might very well make that move himself. 

Personally I’m doubtful it will be textual, but what stronger statement could the writers make of who ends up with whom than to end the series on Sam with Eileen, and Cas returning from Heaven, human, and giving us something very akin to that Cas is Back in Town moment (even if it’s only in spirit)? 

It would serve to let us know that, of course, Cas isn’t fearful of his mortality this time around. He’s empowered by it. And him returning to the bunker, to his family, to the life, to Dean, signals to us how he’s very ready to get back to it all, including going out hunting (with Dean).

Simple. Neat. Non-explicit, and yet undeniable. 

Aka closure.

The good kind. You know? The one that leaves you exhilarated and dancing around your room laughing with joy at how amazing all the subsequent fanfiction will most likely be, exploring all of their post-series finale shen-an-i-gans?? Yeah, that good kind. 

*head exploding*

Most of all, for the people out there who, like me, are thirsty for satisfaction, they will remain Team Free Will (hopefully 2.0), they will remain a family, they will remain. 

There may be new dynamics to work with, but they will still be them and they will remain as close as they ever were, with the promise of them all growing even closer, following each other’s continued progression as they all move into a new phase in their lives. But together.

3. Freedom of Choice

Cas choosing to become human would effectively demonstrate to us how he’s leaving behind the yoke of his previous sense of duty. 

Instead of praying for guidance, or relying on external forces to dictate what his actions should be, he’ll still be doing what has to be done, but he’ll be doing it purely reliant on his own personal view of the world and his place in it.

This would be a rather remarkable way to address how so many of his choices have been made under duress, either because he’s been manipulated into them without having the wherewithal to see through the manipulation (Crowley, Metatron, Lucifer) or because he’s simply felt lost, mistrusting his inner compass and unable to follow any gut instinct that would’ve otherwise been able to guide him.

In making the choice to become human, Cas would cast off his past, shake it off, as it were, and move into his future, free to take it as it comes in a way we’ve only seen him be once before. (as a human)

I suppose my hope is for our love story to grow into the text before the end, but I’m also very aware that we’re rapidly moving towards the 11th hour, and I doubt we’ll get a last-minute confirmation or the show ending on a kiss between them, because this show isn’t about them. 

What’s important to remember, however, is that the fear of happiness runs deep in Dean as well, and Cas has been shown to provide Dean with a source of happiness that he doesn’t get from anyone else, so if Dean’s journey is to end on a high note, and he’s to face his fear of true happiness  and believe he deserves to be loved and the reward being… not linked to Cas in any way? I have a very hard time seeing that happening. So, I have faith.

What I hope for, more than anything at this point, is for an ending definitive enough that we don’t have to wonder and we don’t have to make it up for ourselves. 

An ending that is open enough that we know they will continue on, something for us to build on, and we most likely and most happily will build on it for ages to come, no matter what we get (at least I will), but still, an ending, a conclusion, a statement.

Closure.

*for the love of Ash’s hair*

To Summarise

Here endeth my long speculation and gentle argumentation for Cas to choose humanity at the end of our remarkable narrative. 

To give a brief overview of the points I’ve tried to make (hopefully I’ve succeeded in making them) (whether you agree or not is a different matter) —>

In 15x18 Cas makes the choice to return to Heaven to act as commander of the (handful? or will Jack be able to make more as his powers grow without, you know, transforming human souls?) of angels still there and make a concerted effort to defend Heaven, while Dean, Sam and Jack rally the troops on Earth, and Rowena rally the armies of Hell (please!)

He gets his powers back because the choice is the right one to make as he narratively needs the perspective in order to truly decide who he is and who he wants to be, and the reward for that right choice is that he doesn’t have to face the final battle with broken wings

There’s an ET goes home callback that makes us all fucking cry when Dean and Cas say their goodbyes, Dean being supportive af because that would be awesome, showing his progression

All the while, Dean wishes, fervently, that Cas would just stay, and at some point it would be doubly awesome for him to vocalise this

There is the possibility that everyone understands that if they win this war with God, and things start going back to “normal”, the best thing for everyone would be for the gates of Heaven and of Hell to close, but this might also be something that’s realised once the war is won

(of course it will be won) (thank fuck)

So, either Dean and Cas’ goodbye makes us cry because there’s the understanding that Cas won’t be able to just flit back and forth between Heaven and Earth as he pleases and so it’s really goodbye

Or it makes us cry because it’s still the end of them, as Cas is bound for Heaven again, and their relationship seems to be reverting to S4 status like N-O P-L-E-A-S-E

But because the gates of Heaven are closing (or not) Cas is pushed into making this choice for himself, and naw, he’s not going to stay in Heaven

The moment he makes the choice to return to Earth as a human, the Empty shows up to claim him

But the loophole allows Cas to tell the Empty to fuck right off as Cas (or another angel) cuts out his grace and he falls back to Earth. (in his human vessel) (if Metatron can do it, then an archangel such as Mike or even someone like Naomi, if she comes back on the board, can do it) (eh?)

Cas reunites with the gang, Sam and Eileen are lovey dovey, Dean and Cas are happy for them, and either they part ways here, Sam staying with Eileen, Dean and Cas heading out to Baby, or they stay together, a family unit, with Jack as well, of course, and it’s not like everything is perfect and they’re surrounded by a white picket fence and there are butterflies fluttering, because there’s still evil in the world that needs to be hunted and fought and they’ll always have work to do, but we see them together and we just know they’ll be alright.

All is peace.

And we are done.

FADE TO BLACK.

Buh-LIEVE me, this detail spec is not what we’re getting and I know it isn’t, but I wanted to write it out to explain what I got in my head, why it felt viable to me, and why the worry that they’ll give Cas his wings back and pack him off to Heaven and leave him there made me feel the need to write down why that is just not a good idea. (!!)

Do I actually believe they would ever do that?

I actually don’t. But, by that same token, I don’t know they wouldn’t. And to calm myself, I had to write out why I actually don’t think they would. Because narratively I cannot see how it would ever actually work that he becomes fully-fledged and goes away. You know?

Either he’ll remain as he is, and the Empty, and the sad parts that come with him not actually self-actualising before our eyes will simply be what it is, and I’ll accept it as it is, yeah? 

Or he’ll become human.

He won’t die again. I just do not believe he will. But hey, I’ve been wrong before! That’s partly the fun of this. It’s always so satisfying when you get it even in the ballpark of close to what we actually get on the show. Mh mh goodness.

What’s interesting to me, though, is the whole callback to S8 idea that hasn’t really left me alone since it got in my head, because it would be so lovely and so heartbreaking and so poignant. For Dean to be put in a situation where he supports Cas’ choices and does so without hesitation, but where he also ends up being compelled to say something, to tell Cas he wishes Cas could stay, or hopes Cas will come back or anything that just speaks to how Dean has let Cas disappear one too many times without properly expressing how, maybe, Dean would rather Cas stuck around.

It would, of course, tie back to the prayer, and to how Dean was absolutely ready to look Cas in the eyes, even though there were less then three minutes left on that ticking clock, and tell Cas what he’d felt compelled to say when he thought he was losing him again. There was no need for Dean to repeat it in purgatory, but maybe that was foreshadowing for what’s yet to come.

Even with the impossibility of Cas actually staying, because they have a war to win and Cas is needed elsewhere, it would be lovely if this is the moment Dean makes it clear that, under different circumstances, Dean would have preferred it that Cas stayed.

And for Cas to, instead of having humanity thrust upon him, the way it was in S8 when Metatron tricked him and cut out his grace, getting to choose it this time, and choose it for himself. 

The ET goes home moment would reflect S8 kind of perfectly, but with an actually happy outcome, hinting at a new human!Cas arc and, for me, that would be as good as textual Destiel because they’re on fire in the human!Cas arc. Like, they are moving towards something actual and tangible, the way they’re flirting with each other in that bar. I don’t think there is a more endearing or adorable moment than Cas drinking his beer and paying Dean a compliment and giving him a wink. And Dean then returning the flirtation. 

Um. Yes, please.

By the way, let me make it absolutely clear that there’s no doubt in my mind that the culmination of the love story in no way is relying on Cas becoming human. This isn’t a They Both Have to Be Human to be Together argument, because Dean has been in love with Cas for a long time, long before the human!Cas arc. It doesn’t matter what form Cas takes, to Dean Cas is Cas. 

The question is one of obstacles. We ask ourselves: what’s been stopping them from actually being together this whole time?

To me, all the choices that the characters make throughout S9 is an enormous turning point for all of them, but especially Dean and Cas during the beginning of the season, as their choices give us so much of what they need to do, what aspects of themselves they have to address, if they’re ever to find their way out of self-destruction and self-doubt, and into self-worth, paving the way for them being able to believe they deserve the love that the other has been proffering for all these years, and actually seeing it in its true light, accepting it, trusting it, and returning it without any inhibition.

Add to that the already mentioned shared struggle, as Cas and Dean have always had a deeply rooted fear of happiness, and we can all see the obstacles they’ve had to overcome to get to a place where they can share a healthy relationship.

They have had to build that healthy relationship with themselves first, and the reward at the end: happiness and love. *fingers so damn crossed though*

It really would be beyond amazing if we have it textualised, however subtle it may be, by the end of the series, that they are each other’s happiness, and that, without the other, there’s not much happiness to be had. There’s moving on and there’s not giving up and there’s finding purpose outside this one relationship, of course, but a long and happy life?

Not so much. 

To me, this is a fact that has been covertly explored throughout the entirety of their joint arc, because whenever one of them disappears out of the other’s orbit, their progression pretty much crashes to an absolute halt, or even undergoes serious regression. I talked about that in that other long-ass meta I mentioned, so if you’re hungry for more… 

I digress.

My final point, really, is that getting to witness  Dean letting Cas go, supporting him returning to Heaven, and Cas rightly feeling compelled to fullfil his duty, because it will lead to him being granted the choice of who he truly wants to be, would be mind-blowing. And if it all leads to an underlining of how Dean is taking the narrative lesson of easing up on his need for control, learning to let go and trusting that it will be alright in the end, which then leads to the love of his life returning to him, and Dean, finally, understanding that this is what Cas always does - he may up and leave, but he also always returns.

Only, this time Cas is staying…

I mean. Right? Anything like this. Anything even in the vicinity of this. Oh my God. I’ll be dancing.

I’m intrigued by the fact that Cas is subtly set up as a blindspot for Chuck the Writer, who’s first draft when at Becky’s house doesn’t even mention Cas. I have a feeling Cas will be a pivotal ingredient in them winning this stand-off, as he’s proven himself to be already, throughout S15.

And I’m intrigued by the phrase that has occurred at least twice in our narrative since end of S14: I had to die to get what I want. 

Could Cas almost cutting out his “life force” and bringing himself to the brink of “death” (angelic, as it were) be foreshadowing for how his angelic side has to die in order for him to get what he wants? 

I guess we shall simply have to wait and see, eh?

End of the day, it’s a question of legacy. And I’m just very curious to see what sort of legacy the writers room are gearing up to leave us with. I have every faith - all the faith - that no matter what we get, it’s going to be

s p e c t a c u l a r.

[takeiteasypeasybaby]

Save Me: Chapter 39 - Try

~Hey guys! Chapter 39 is out now! We’re almost up to 40 chapters of Save Me!! I can't believe it, it feels like just yesterday that I started this blog :) I hope everyone is doing well and enjoys this chapter~

Both Molly and Negan are learning to trust outsiders again. While Negan tries and struggles to open up to anyone who isn't Molly, Molly is trying to put the past behind her and find a new reason to carry on, which come in the form of new arrivals at Hilltop.

I reached Hilltop with a renewed sense of clarity regarding Negan.

I think it took me until now to realise that the past, while hard to swallow, is the past for a reason and it doesn't mean that he is the same person as he was back then.

Seeing the Sanctuary in ruin was what I needed to realise that what happened to me there is completely behind me and the man responsible is long since dead.

I think now I can finally learn to forgive him for his past crimes, after all we have all done things to survive and protect those we love.

I don't expect anyone else to forgive and certainly not forget, but perhaps just simply acknowledge that there is more to him than his past actions.

When I rocked up to the gates, my mind turned back to the attention of Tara's new people she had brought to us.

She had radioed me and told me that she found them in the woods just outside of Oceanside and thought that they would be of use at Hilltop.

'Mol!' Tara yelled happily as she waved while she ran into my arms.

'Agh! I've missed you so damn much!' I said squeezing her tightly and burying my face into the crook of her neck.

'So...who are they?' I said as she pulled away.

'Well, there are five of them. There were six, but he died en route' she said softly.

I just nodded, looking in the direction of the group she had just described who were standing around outside the house.

I exhaled, 'alright, let's get this shit done' I said enthusiastically, smiling at my sister who led me to meet them.

'Hi, I'm Molly. I am co-leader here at Hilltop' I said warmly as I shook hands with all of them.

There was one guy and the rest were women.

All extremely capable looking.

'I'm Yumiko!' a kind looking woman said smiling while she adjusted her bow on her shoulders.

A woman with sharp features glared at her when she did that, I guessed that she was the leader of this group.

'What's your name?' I asked softly to the leader.

'Magna' she said hastily.

I just nodded with a slight smile.

'I'm Luke, lovely to meet you by the way!' a large set man with soft features and kind eyes said as he shook my hand for the second time.

I just smiled and chuckled at his awkwardness.

'Great to meet you' I replied as I shook his hand.

Next, were the final two women who seemed to remain silent and very much bonded together which I could tell by their close proximity to each other.

'My name's Kelly, this is my sister Connie. She's deaf, but I can sign to her and translate' she said smiling.

I smiled and nodded to Kelly.

I then looked to Connie and signed to her 'It's wonderful to meet you Connie, I hope you will like it here'.

They all looked at me in wonder and Connie's smile seemed to widen at this.

'I learned to sign when I was at school. My cousin was deaf' I said verbally and with sign so that everyone could listen.

I wanted them to trust in me and I hoped I had done just that.

'We usually like to ask a couple questions to new citizens of the Hilltop community. Would that be okay?' I said, again also signing.

They all nodded, Magna was hesitant at first.

'Great, what were your occupations before?' I asked while Tara wrote down their answers.

'Gas station attendant' Magna said looking down.

'Lawyer' Yumiko answered while making direct eye contact.

'Music teacher' Luke said enthusiastically.

Kelly used ASL to ask Connie who replied that she was a Journalist and that Kelly was in High School.

I nodded to Tara, impressed by each of them.

'Who are you now?' I asked seriously.

'Survivors' Luke answered sternly.

'Good' I responded, 'well then, welcome to Hilltop' I added.

'So...whatcha think?' Tara asked me as she linked her arm through mine as we walked through the fields after the interview.

'I like them, they seem like genuinely nice people' I answered.

'I am a bit worried about Magna' Tara said nervously.

'She seems hesitant to be here' she added.

'You said they lost somebody before you brought them here right? No wonder she's unwilling to trust right away, I mean you wouldn't' I said reassuringly.

'You're right...as always' Tara said rolling her eyes.

I just chuckled as I said 'yep'.

We suddenly spun around to look towards the gates when a loud exhaust noise sounded from that direction.

It was a motorbike.

Daryl came driving through and parked up outside the gate.

'It's Daryl' I said tapping Tara on the arm for her to follow me as I ran down to see him.

'Hey!' I shouted as I came closer.

'Hey, just came to some equipment for Eugene's new radio thing' he said barely looking at me as he marched towards the house.

'That was odd' Tara said as we watched him leave.

'Yeah, that was weird. Fuck he must be mad at me' I said in realisation.

'It could be me?' Tara asked.

I just shook my head and chuckled saying 'he's never mad at you'.

I told Tara that I would meet her later but first I needed to talk to Daryl.

I followed him up to the house where he was placing down the equipment.

'Daryl...can we talk?' I asked anxiously as I peered around the door frame.

'I dunno, can we?' he answered with annoyance running through his voice.

I looked down, yep he was definitely mad at me.

'Why are you so pissed at me? I thought we worked everything out when we searched for Rick all those past months' I said furrowing my brows in confusion.

He sighed and stood up.

He pointed at me and said 'you're a real piece of work you know that' as he walked past me.

I opened my mouth in disbelief.

'What? what are you talking about?' I asked in confusion.

'You know what. Negan' he said as he carried on placing stuff on various surfaces.

'What about Negan?' I said looking away from his gaze.

'You two best buddies now? that all square?' he asked sternly.

'It's complicated' I answered so softly that he barely heard me.

He scoffed at this, 'the guy is an asshole and you're acting like he's hot shit' he answered.

'I believe that he can change, I believe he has changed, so does Michonne by the way and I don't see you attacking her for this. Why me, huh?' I said gaining more confidence as I walked slowly towards him with every word.

'You can do better' he grunted as he walked out of the room.

My eyes widened as the realisation of the meaning of his words hit me.

Negan's POV//

'You are here, aware of yourself' Gabe said softly as he tried to perform some meditation shit to get me to relax.

I had my eyes closed as I sat on the floor of my cell, Gabe on the other side.

'Just let it go' he added.

'Don't judge the distraction, accept it' he said, his voice muffled by the sound of children laughing and playing outside.

'Scaredy cat, scaredy cat!' the children chanted outside my cell window.

'Consider it, then release it' he continued.

This wasn't fucking relaxing at all. I scrunched up my face in frustration.

'Just let it wash over you' he went on.

'You know what, screw it. Mind never empties anyway, generally I go straight to that place which would blush the collar right off of you' I said as I opened my eyes and sighed.

'Although, now that you and Rosita are a thing, maybe I'm wrong...I mean, hot damn!' I said smirking and bouncing the ball off the concrete wall.

'I wanna understand why you do this. You clearly want help, I can see you trying' Gabe said softly.

I scoffed.

'Yeah, maybe we cooked it up, chewed it up and shat it out already. Maybe this is all we get' I said deflecting his statement.

'You don't feel like you're getting any benefit to our sessions?' he asked with a smile which screamed of annoyance.

'Well, I am reminded that another week has passed, but other than that...' I said continuing bouncing the ball.

Gabe sighed, frustrated with my response.

'Ah, don't take it personally Gabe, I know I'm never gettin' outta here. I do appreciate you coming down here and helping me when that was touch-and-go for me. But, now I got everything I need. This little window right here is just like a damn TV and I loved the shit outta TV when that was a thing!' I said enthusiastically.

'Acceptance is an important first step, but a life needs to have meaning-' Gabe started to say before I cut him off.

'Funny thing about this window right here, people stand out there and they talk. It's like they don't remember that I'm here, and that, well that is when I get the really good shit. You know just the other day, Rosita was out there chattin' up a storm. She said some things that you would find very interesting' I teased.

'I don't need you to tell me how Rosita feels about me' he said smiling falsely.

'Now who said she was talking' about you' I said smiling and catching the ball in my hands.

'We'll try this again next week' Gabe said tiredly.

'It's your world boss' I answered.

Judith's POV//

I sat on the stairs in my PJ's as mom locked the doors for the night.

'Judith Grimes!' she said sternly as she saw that I was holding my dad's gun in my hand.

'You said dad would've wanted me to have it, to protect myself and the people I love' I replied questioningly.

'He would've, but I'm the one whose supposed to be protecting you' mom replied softly.

'Is that why you don't want the new people here, because I think dad would've thought differently' I said.

Mom smiled as she said 'he would've and he would be so proud of you, your brother too'.  

'Then why won't you help them?' I asked.

'You'll understand someday' she replied.

I hated when she said that.

I got up, walked down the stairs and said sadly 'I know you talk to him sometimes, to Carl too'.

I set down my favourite figurine on the step, which mom said looked like my dad.

He wore a sheriff's hat and pointed a gun.

'I'm starting to forget their voices. I'm not trying to, but they keep fading away' I said as I started to cry.

'I hope you can still hear them' I said sadly before I ran back up the stairs to my room.

Somehow Negan now felt more like my dad...

[dbh-is-a-crime]

All Dbh Chapters

@kaydel your reply to my ask has inspired me to give my thoughts on each of the chapters.

Chapter 1: The Hostage

Is honestly a good first chapter, the tension and stakes are high, it pulls you in. There's a reason people who played the demo were hyped for the game. And regardless of what I think of Cage's writing, it's not the first time he's done a solid intro to a game. (Swiftly followed by garbage but I digress..)

We learn something about deviancy and how it starts, we get a sequence of dialogue based gameplay to set up how important it is to the story, and we get a taste of Connor’s somewhat underdeveloped investigation gameplay. 

I will admit that there are several lines I kind of like in this scene (’You can’t kill me, I’m not alive’ I’d like this even better if Bryan didn’t love it so much) And most of the outcomes are very cool! 

Chapter 2: Opening

Is not a chapter, it's the opening credits. It's not really interesting, but it's not as bad as Heavy Rain's, only because it's about half as long. Kara was robbed.

Chapter 3: Shades of Color

What a title am I right! And no, it's not just because of the paints. This chapter, title aside, isn't bad! We don't learn anything about Markus but it sets the world up nicely. It's one of the cooler open areas. It shows off the graphics nicely. 

And all of that is promptly ruined by the overly heavy-handed scene with the protesters. With the follow up of the back of the bus! Also the preacher guy is weird what was the point of that.

Chapter 4: A New Home

Easily one of the most (if not The Most) boring chapters in the game. Mundane QTEs? We all looooooove those! At the end of the chapter you get some exposition to a very nice composition (this game really would be nothing without the music) and that part is actually ok. But the mundane housework gameplay doesn’t get a pass, even if it is to give context for what the life of an android is like. Would be 100% better if there was 40% less housework.

Chapter 5: The Painter

A solid chapter! Learning about Markus through his interactions with Carl? An actual good narrative device? Unbelievable. At surface level their relationship is sweet and Carl is so supportive of Markus growing beyond his programming. Though there is a darker undertone that mirrors the caged android birds. And that it’s all a gilded cage. And I like both of those interpretations, they’re interesting. 

The music mini game is interesting the first time you do it but after that I’m never picking it again, chess it is from now on.

Chapter 6: Partners

Connor’s return after 5 chapters. I think that might be the longest break between appearances for any of them. Anyway this chapter is mostly fine. It sets up Hank and Connor’s troubled partnership and shows us what most of Connor’s gameplay is going to be. (Detective work and trying to reason with Hank) It would be interesting if there was an option to let Ortiz’ android go, seeing as there if a version of the scene where you don’t find him. But I guess it’s too early for Connor to be disobeying.

Chapter 7: Stormy Night

Classic David Cage has women being abused by men! Unfortunately this is one of Kara’s best chapters. The tension from the very first moment if real, and as soon as Alice runs up stairs, you just know what’s going to happen. Without fail, every person I’ve ever watched, immediately tries to follow her. Honestly? Solid way to make me care about the kid. 

I know some folks have problems with showing child abuse on screen, but my opinion is that they kept the worst of it as implied, like in the failed ending of the chapter, you don’t see it actually happen. So I’m personally okay with it, but I can understand why some may disagree.

10/10 for the chase/escape scene. It’s stressful as hell but honestly the music just makes it...like idk the moment Kara deviates? I nearly, literally screamed the first time. The build up to it is so good, and you as the player are determined to protect Alice and will fight through the programming to do it.

Chapter 8: Broken

Gonna be honest, Markus’ deviating scene falls a little flatter for me. I’ve watched several people play for the first time and actively not want to break programming and retaliate. Which makes the fact that its a scripted event you can’t avoid frustrating to them. I guess we just haven’t seen any anger from him yet so it doesn’t feel like the reaction you expect? (I get that it’s supposed to be him finally cracking, the story just...doesn’t convey that very well.)

Also the fact that you get punished for staying silent with Carl dying is shitty.

Chapter 9: The Interrogation 

Talk about fucking tense! This scene is a real challenge, in either difficulty. Unless you don’t care about the android self-destructing? 

I don’t have much else to say, it’s not a bad scene but there’s not a lot of substance to it. The ‘the day will come when we will no longer be slaves’ line is...the start of the truly terrible writing choices in this game.

Chapter 10: Fugitives

Not a bad scene. Getting to choose to steal a bunch of stuff is fun, and the fact that you can steal all this shit and then go and sleep in the car is pretty funny. I don’t like the house or Ralph, just because it’s another chance to put a female character at risk from a male character. 7/10 I’m never picking the house. (Also did you know you can fail to steal from that guy in the laundromat and he wakes up lmao)

Chapter 11: From The Dead

Ok this is going to be kind of a controversial opinion...but I’m tired of this scene. While it’s true that no scene in the game holds up on the 20th watch/play, this scene lost most of it’s shock value on the 3rd watch. Now that being said, the sound design in the scene is brilliant. And putting the audio processor back in does still give me chills, but the rest of the scene? I mean, I guess cannibalising other androids is a pretty powerful story action. But the fact that you can take all of the things you need from dead androids if you search hard enough kind of ruins that for me. 

Also idk why but everyone collectively thinks that Markus screams when he reaches the top of the slope and I have no idea why.

Chapter 12: Waiting For Hank

Boooooooring. Ok, getting beat up by Gavin after refusing to make him coffee is mildly interesting. But the fact that Hank just hates you in the scene is honestly quite tiring. Like, his opinion of Connor will inevitably go down at least once, you can’t avoid that. Also there’s nothing to explore in the office so...

Chapter 13: On The Run

Both versions of this scene are very tense. And not in...a super fun way. Like ok, Kara has that empowering woman moment where she cuts her hair, great, but the rest of the scene isn’t that good. (And the version with Ralph is downright disturbing.) 

Chapter 14: Jericho

Oh god let’s players cannot do this part. And the amount of time I’ve spent watching people run around clueless because they weren’t paying even the slightest attention or follow the obvious path, makes me hate this chapter. I also hate it because the gameplay isn’t very interesting. Markus’ precog is mildly interesting, but that’s really it. (The end of this chapter has some pretty stunning visuals tho)

Chapter 15: The Nest

Ok, the opening conversation with Hank is cute if Connor is trying to be nice. Though the actual chase is pretty tense. The music is on point as always, because the composers for this game were very overqualified for the job. Also the fact that you get punished for not saving Hank both amuses and vexes me. You don’t catch the guy because you were a shitty partner. But what was the point of taking the risk with Hank if there’s no reward? (Yes I know he still ends up in evidence lock up but that’s hardly reward enough for risking your partner’s life)

I mean okay the pigeons flying through the roof is pretty funny, but the investigation in the apartment isn’t all that interesting. Also I’ve just realised I haven’t mentioned the Zen Garden once but honestly most of the scenes there aren’t that interesting anyway.

Chapter 16: Time To Decide

Wow where do I start on how uninteresting this chapter is. You learn very little about Markus’ companions, you get to have a conversation with a magical minority, and you get a line about an android being dragged behind the back of a car. (After reading the wiki about James Byrd I feel genuinely sick and could not be more disgusted that this was used so clumsily in the game.)

Chapter 17: Zlatko

His name sounds like a brand. Also this is my least favourite Kara chapter. They go to his place for almost no reason (just so they can get caught) and we get a 20 minute scene of Zlatko being a cartoonish monster of a man. Also this has been pointed out and now I can’t stop thinking about it. Why is Kara scared of Luther when she sees him? Like...??? Anyway re-finding her memories is boring, finding Alice is also boring, and hiding from Zlatko is just stressful. Nothing interesting to the story happens here, except that Luther joins Kara and Alice.

Chapter 18: Russian Roulette 

Perhaps the shortest chapter in the game. It’s not like...super boring, but it’s not interesting either. Also don’t forget to notice the picture on the table or you’ll have no chance of getting the good ending later! Seriously, they should have made it a requirement for the scene to move on if it’s going to be that important.

Chapter 19: Spare Parts

The whole freerunning thing at the start is lame. And the fact that you have to grab the android and then release him to get the best outcome is confusing as hell. (I have seen many folks fuck this up.) The part where you sneak around in the guard house is actually kind of cool. Also North go down if you’re nice to people....I love this game.

Chapter 20: The Eden Club

Pity the lesbian sexworker androids!!! In all seriousness though this is a chapter I do not like. The endings are unfulfilling, the whole storyline is gross, poorly written and very Cage-esque. (Also why would you make the two android lovers the same model?! Just make one of them one of the other 8 female WR800 models you have!) I mean I guess I can say that the glowly design of the sexclub is nice or whatever.

Chapter 21: Pirate’s Cove

Ok this is a personal one but I don’t like this chapter. Something about the family dynamic between the three falls flat for me and so the whole scene being about them makes it...ehh. Also Kara under threat again! Woohoo! The scene on the carousel is kind of cute and the scene composition is nice, but the fact that all the Jerrys are standing around watching is a little weird. Also bait us with rA9 crap why don’t you! we’ll just never learn anything about this i guess

Chapter 22: The Bridge

I like this chapter to be honest. I know Pirate’s Cove is meant to be relaxed but I find this chapter more relaxing. Even if it ends with a gun to Connor’s head. I mean it’s not that hard to not get shot really. And seeing Hank start to care and question their mission is interesting. I don’t know, I guess I just like the visuals of the snow and the bridge. (Anyone notices that it goes from raining to snowing like three days later, wtf)

Chapter 23: The Stratford Tower

Now this one is complicated. Because I like the breaking in and getting up to the broadcast department part, I even like the pre-speech tension. Markus carrying the weight of history and knowing his words will shape what people across the world think of androids. 

The music as he gets ready to start the speech is....just so good. But then he starts talking and.....mmmmm press x for civil right yes please! Press square to end slavery? Absolutely! God...the writing in this scene is Bad. Which is a shame! Because it squanders the carefully crafted tension built up until this point. I like the energy going into this scene, the idea that they’re about to take a stand, make history. But it is unfortunately ruined for the sake of a poorly executed racism allegory.

Chapter 24: Public Enemy

Ok, going to investigate the crime scene of what you just did as Markus is pretty good. Its not an original idea, that was the opening sequence for Indigo Prophecy, but it still works I’m not going to lie. Also the cop from the Hostage showing up to thank you if you saved him is cute. The fact that Hank is starting to question Connor and look for signs of deviancy in him is also nice! Also I hate it but going after Simon gives you a more cohesive storyline if you’re going for a deviant Connor route. (Can I get an F for Simon? He can die so many different ways)

Chapter 25: Midnight Train

Can’t believe that the chapter about the underground railroad is literally called Midnight Train. Yeah the dialogue in this? Shocking, terrible, absolutely unforgivable. Rose I am so sorry this happened to you. Also a cop arrives to....put Kara in peril at the hands of a male character again! Can’t go a chapter without that!

Chapter 26: Capitol Park

Hmmmmmmmmm. ‘We have a dream’? ‘I can’t breathe, but I’m still alive’? Hi, yes, hello? David Cage is doing it again, yeah he’s co-opting black history for his story about androids, somebody needs to stop him. Why did no one stop him.  

Ok, most of this chapter other than that is ok. It’s not particularly good, but it’s ok. (wiLL yOu bE gOoD oR eViL?!?!1)

Chapter 27: Meet Kamski

Ok this man is so creepy and emotionally manipulative and as a narrative tool I’ve actually come to love it. Like the tone of this chapter is such a breath of fresh air. Maybe it’s just the fact that they added a new character after such a long time and that he knows more than he ever lets on. rA9 baited again...

Also this is Connor’s turning point in a way. You can still choose to change your path later on, but this is the real moment of truth where a character pushes him to reveal where he’s at. (Also the fucking MUSIC)

Chapter 28: Freedom March

Oh no. I’m so sorry Markus you deserve better. I hate this chapter if you can’t tell. The combo of the black history slogans and the jesus music is too much for me. Also the good ending is locked behind Simon being alive/Spare Parts success route??? Also F for that random android who’s name is John that we hear about twice.

Chapter 29: Last Chance, Connor

I usually keep a low profile with Gavin so I miss out on the beatdown unfortunately. But having the option is hilarious. If you don’t sacrifice at the march, Simon is alive, interrogation bad end, Rupert and the Tracis escape....can you even find Jericho?

Just a thought, anyway this is short but tense chapter. Don’t hate it.

Chapter 30: Crossroads

Kara’s part of this is dumb as hell. The Alice twist literally destroys the storyline but anyway...

Markus has very little to do until the end. His version is ok, but Jesse’s line delivery leaves something to be desired. (You’re one of us....)

Connor’s is easily the most interesting of the three concurrent stories at this point. Going in to capture Markus/North, chasing them through the hold if ur a machine..very good. 

And....going deviant. Okay yes that still gets me, I did actually shout YES!! out loud the first time I witnessed it. The music’s slow build in the scene, and most of the dialogue (if you choose carefully) swells to this point and...and..it happens!! 

Like idk I’ve only been slowly building up to this for 9 hours, sue me.

Chapter 31: Night Of The Soul

I like this chapter! Or Markus’ version anyway. Connor’s...well the Hank version is just sad. The Jericho version is fine.

But Markus? Visiting Carl’s grave or the man himself is such an emotional moment for the character. And the single humanising moment he’s had in several chapters. The conversation is so weighted with his doubts and fears and Jesse Williams gives a beautiful performance! (Also as I’ve said, the alarm system saying ‘welcome home markus’ kills me on impact)

Chapter 32: Battle For Detroit

Is a good chapter. What, did you expect me to say it isn’t? Cause it is. Or some versions of it are.

The tension in all three characters stories, regardless of which version, is perfectly hit at this point.

Kara’s....ah fuck idk I mean the border version is ok? The others....kind of suck? The guy letting them through with high public opinion and Markus doing a peaceful demonstration is kind of cute and sort of makes sense in a way.

Markus’ versions (both in which he is alive) are pretty cool. The revolution is hard, and I do like that it ends with him saying that they haven’t won, they’ve only started a war. The demonstration is kind of dumb, and I actually prefer them getting shot and then the news anchors suggesting that maybe androids are people in their own right that humans refused to acknowledge. (Feels more real, ya know?) Also black folk song!! Why??

Gonna be real, most of Connor’s versions of this scene are pretty good. Cyberlife tower is tense as hell but he’s a fucking badass. Machine Connor on the roof gives us the best line in the game. ‘What’s up lieutenant, ran out of whiskey so you came here looking for trouble?’  

So that’s some of my thoughts on each of the chapters of dbh, I could go into more depth but my eyes hurt and I’ll probably hit post limit soon.

[thefloatingstone]

Would you please make me a list of your rcommended comics(books or web-series any genre original content or fanworks)

Oh that’s a god one! Thank you so very much 💙 Let me see what I have on my shelf and on my hard drive. (I don’t know if I’ve ever made a list of my favourite comics before or not here on tumblr?)

in no particular order;

1: Usagi Yojimbo by Stan Sakai

I dunno if it ever really shows or not, but Japanese historical settings are something I’m really into! I think it’s one of those dormant interests that flares up every now and then. Anyway. Usagi Yojimbo has basically been tied for my favourite comic for over 10 years now. It’s a series of stories, both short and with longer arcs, following the character of Miyamoto Usagi (roughly based on Miyamoto Musashi) travelling around the country of Japan in the early 1600s as a Ronin after the lord he served was defeated and killed in battle. Usagi, being one of his samurai, is not killed in the same battle which, considering his lord was killed, is a massive disgrace in historical Japanese culture. Basically along the thought of “If your lord died and you didn’t you must not have fought hard enough to protect him.”

Anyway, the comic is both a history lesson on Edo period Japan, a travel diary, a slice of life comic, a Chanbara, an action comic, some times even a horror or ghost story, a tragedy involving unfulfilled love and lost families, a lesson on traditional Japanese Yokai and other mythology, and now and then high fantasy.

10/10. HIGHLY recommend. The author Stan Sakai is also a wonderful person I’ve had the pleasure to meet a few times at Comic Con. And considering he like... remembers who I AM despite being an extremely famous comic artist... I dunno. I have endless respect for the man and he’s shown me great kindness in the past.

Also you know... black and white comics. They’re my jam, yo!

2: Bone by Jeff Smith

I have no idea if I even have to say anything because Bone might just, without hyperbole, be the greatest comic ever drawn.

At 1300+ pages drawn over the course of 10 years, the story starts out as a cartoon, full of hijinks and fun adventures and jokes and very slowly, reality starts setting in, things get more dangerous, the stakes get higher, the bad guys much darker. And by the time you reach book 3 of the 9 book story, you’re suddenly in a story of the “epic” variety. Not in the internet slang term but in the actual definition of the word.

You have massive wars between men and monsters, you have clashing cultures and ideologies, conflicting motivations and goals, and of course saving the world.

And it manages to do so without you EVER feeling “Excuse me but this was a cartoon book about funny jokes. This shift in tone is really weird and doesn’t work with the cartoony characters.”

It just blends and grows beautifully. And has remained as my favourite comic for... *counts* lord... 14 years now.

The book was recently released in a new colour version in case you prefer hat, but I honestly recommend “The Brick” single volume black and white version. It’s cheaper, first of all, but also I cannot express how masterful the blacks and whites of Bone are. They’re essentially Watterson level.

(also Jeff Smith is ANOTHER comic artist who is just like... the nicest person. Like REALLY nice. He’s been kind to me on occasions in that “you really didn’t have to be that nice” kind of way)

3: The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck by Don Rosa

It’s published by Disney officially... but the Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck is essentially a fancomic. The only reason its not is because Don Rosa became SO GOOD at making duck comics Disney hired him to make them officially and he was SO GOOD at it became one of the most important Duck artists just after Carl Barks (the creator of Scrooge) himself.

The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck is a comprehensive biography of Scrooge McDuck’s life, not just made up by Don Rosa, but pieced together from Carl Barks’ own comics where he would have Scrooge make passing mention to events in his past or people he met. Don Rosa essentially took all these passing remarks and mentions and drew out a timeline, starting with Scrooge age 13 leading all the way up to his reunion with his family when Donald as an adult met up with him again.

It starts with Scrooge, from a poor family in Glasgow in 1877, boarding a ship for America to seek his fortune. We follow him through the years as with each chapter, he comes close to being rich and successful, only for it to fail or fall apart at the last minute, until, eventually, we see him catch his break and become the obscenely rich and successful person he’s fought and worked and bled so hard to be.

...and then the comic continues. And we see him lose himself. Greed, the constant need for MORE money and MORE success keeps going. The need to show HOW rich and successful he is takes over, until we see him and his family fall apart. And the comic echoes Citizen Kane as Scrooge realises the best time of his life was when he was seeking riches, not after he finally succeeded.

And then Donald and his nephews appear, and Scrooge’s life gets a second wind. His lust for adventure flares up again, his need to seek fortunes and treasures burns as strong as ever. And he keeps going.

The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck is a story about looking for your place in the world and fighting to create it with your own two hands, but it’s also about how you should think hard where you place your value in life, and it’s never too late to re-direct course and try again.

There is also “The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck Companion” which is a collection of stories that didn’t fit in with the original comic and would have disrupted flow. Basically like how a fanfic will have oneshots related to a larger story

Also, the producer of the band “Nightwish” created a soundtrack to accompany the original comic as a sort of “What If” in what he imagined the story would sound like if it was made into a movie

4: Cucumber Quest by Gigi D.G. ( @ggdgart )

A newer comic I stumbled upon which has skyrocketed into being a fave and I can already tell, that’s not a position it’s gonna relinquish. Cucumber Quest is a more cartoony and comedic story than the previous comics on this list. But that by no means makes it of any less value or dulls the moments that this comic decides to punch you in the gut with emotions HARD.

The art and colours are glorious and something I hope to study so I can better my own art hopefully, and the writing and humour is of a calibre that I just know I could not replicate it if I even tried. Full of puns, absurdism, awkward jokes and a whole lot of FEELINGS, It manages to make me both laugh myself into a coughing fit as often as it makes me yell “OH NOOOO!!!” when something dramatic happens.

The story follows our main character Cucumber, a put-upon out-of-his-depth wizard-to-be who is tasked with saving the world from the evil Nightmare Knight who has been summoned from his thousand year slumber by an evil sorcerer who wants to take over the world (as you do). With him is his little sister, the sword wielding Almond, who is WAY more into this “being a hero” thing than he is (and probably better at it too) as the duo make friends and travel to the various kingdoms to defeat the Nightmare Knight’s lackeys, working their way up to fighting the Nightmare Knight himself and sealing him away once more!

That all sounds.... really straightforward, doesn’t it? Well... that’s what everybody else in the comic thinks too. ...Shame that real life is never easy and straightforward.

From evil henchmen that start crushing on cool “Good Guys” with cool swords, good guys who don’t REALLY want to hurt the bad guys because they don’t seem so bad? To cool good guys with cool swords suddenly learning that being in danger is not as much fun as it sounded when they started this. To big evil final boss bad guys who are just tired of all of this...

What’s also awesome is the entire comic... all OVER 800 PAGES OF IT... is completely free to read online! But you can also buy physical copies of the first 4 volumes in book form to support the author! 

http://cucumber.gigidigi.com/cq/page-1/

I HIGHLY recommend this one too! It has canon LGBT characters! It has found family plots! It has scary bad guys that just need a hug! It has magical girl transformations! Literally anything you could want is in this comic. Including emotional wrecking angst! Did I mention FEELINGS???

(I couldn’t pick a single page so here are 3 random ones without context. Seriously almost EVERY page is so good I struggled very hard to choose)

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5: The Property of Hate by @modmad

Hey. Do you like fantasy worlds made of imagination? How about protagonists with grey morality who act like super primand proper gentlemen when they’re actually huge nerds? How about reluctant “Well I guess I’ve ADOPTED you now you annoying gremlin” adult-kid relationships? How about puns? How about abstract and colourfull character designs? Or saving the world?

The Property of Hate is Modmad’s original comic that they’ve been working on a few years now. it follows our lead character, RGB or “Problematic Mary Poppins” as I like to think of him, as he asks a young child if she’d like to be a hero and help him save his world? When she agrees, he takes her to a fantasy land... completely NOT preparing her for what she’s signed up for. The story then follows the duo through the abstract and shifting world as RGB slowly divulges information on what exactly our Hero has to do to save the world. It turns out it’s a lot more complicated and messy than merely “beat the bad guy” or anything like that.

Not to mention it seems this fantasy world has its own rules of reality and dangers. Emotions and abstract thoughts have real physical form here, and something like an “idea” can quite literally run around and create havoc, while something like dreams can fuel or destroy, and emotions like grief can cause irreparable damage.

Our Hero also learns RGB himself is a lot more complex and messy than he first appears. Seeming to be a good person trying to do good things (despite being a little stand offish and rude at times) but seems to also be carrying a past and the weight of having done some very very bad things “for the greater good”. And our Hero, as well as we, the readers, start wondering how much we should trust him, even though, just like our Hero, deep deep down we just know we WANT to trust him. And maybe he needs saving just as much as the world itself does. Even when he’s at his scariest and... not quite himself.

The Property of Hate is also available online completely for free. Modmad does have books for sale but I believe it’s on-demand or something along those lines. Please feel free to message them here on tumblr and they are happy to chat to their readers and interact.

http://thepropertyofhate.com/TPoH/The%20Hook/1

I think I’ll leave it there despite meaning to do 10 at first because this is already EXTREMELY long.

Hopefully you found something that seems interesting! Let me know if you decide to check any of these out and whether you ended up liking them or not! I’d love to hear your opinions.

And thank you for indulging me <3

(I’m trying to remember to add my ko-fi link to all longer posts like this I make. Especially since I keep forgetting ☕️Buy me a Ko-fi ☕️ )

[shannen-writes]

Underrated ships meta series - #1 Rick and Lori (The Walking Dead)

This post is the first in a new meta series I’ll be writing about my favourite and most underrated ships in fandom. All posts in the series will be tagged as #underrated ships. To kick it off this series, I’ll be discussing Rick and Lori Grimes from The Walking Dead.

I think I’m one of a small handful of people that actually loves Rick and Lori as a ship. Generally, I think their relationship is very misunderstood and because it’s not the typical “passionate” or “fiery” relationship that people tend to fall in love with in fandom, the depth and complexity of their love is overlooked. 

Rick and Lori were married for many years (although we never found out exactly how long, we can assume it was around a decade, if not more) so from the pilot episode, their relationship is already very developed. I’ve seen a trend in fandom whereby ships of this type aren’t very popular. I assume it’s because as shippers we love to see the process of two characters meeting, getting to know each other, falling in love and witnessing all the emotional ups and downs that go with that. However, I think there’s a beauty and realness to ships like Rick and Lori. There were issues in their relationship - they argued and there was a distance between them - like there are in most long-term relationships. It was no doubt a result of the pressures of everyday life as parents having the responsibilties of a child and a home. Rick likely worked long hours as a deputy sheriff and over the years people can change and grow apart. But what’s always clear is that there was always love between Rick and Lori during that time, no matter how hard things got between them. 

When Rick woke from his coma he was driven by a singular desire to find his family. Believing her husband was dead and that the world was coming to an end, Lori fell into Shane’s arms and developed a sexual relationship for him. This is something that I’ve always felt Lori has been unfairly hated for. Her actions were completely understandable given the circurmstances and I’m sure many people in the same situation would behave the same way. It was clear that she was never in love with Shane and her actions were those of a grieving woman in a highly emotional state. Her love for Rick was shown immediately by the fact that she still wore his wedding ring around her neck. 

Also Rick told Lori that he knew she and Carl were alive because when he went to the house all of their photos were gone; photos that she kept right by her bed. Yet another indicator of how much Lori still loved Rick. Not to mention that the blue flannel Lori is wearing in the first episode is actually Rick’s. 

The second Lori saw Rick for the first time and realised he was alive her love became even clearer. 

Lori thinking Rick was dead and thinking they’d lost each other forever was a wake up call for them both. It made them realise that all the difficulties they’d been facing in their relationship leading up to then weren’t important because they still loved each other. 

I remember when I first watched TWD I was so sure that Lori would carry on with Shane behind Rick’s back, but she didn’t. The second she knew Rick was back there was no hesitancy or doubt, Rick was her husband and he was the man she loved. Rick knew very early on what had happened between Lori and Shane, and he accepted it because he saw it for what it was. He understood that Lori didn’t cheat on him or ever stop loving him, she slept with Shane because out of grief and because she thought her husband was dead. The certainty and security of their love was something they shared; Rick knew how much Lori loved him and Lori knew how much Rick loved her. 

Rick and Lori’s relationship was never thrown in our faces, but they shared moments of tenderness and affection that showed how much they loved each other. 

They were also a partnership. They leaned on one another and communicated openly. When Carl was shot, in particular, the way in which they united and relied on one another for strength was clear.

But it wasn’t always plain sailing. They disagreed sometimes - Rick did things that Lori didn’t want him to, putting himself in danger in the process and Lori didn’t tell him immediately about her pregnancy or her decision to have an abortion (which she then changed her mind about). 

Yet there was still an honesty between them, even if that honesty wasn’t always immediate. And through everything they were always each others’ anchor. Rick, in particular, with all of the pressures that was placed on him as the groups leader, turned to Lori for support and she acted as his voice of reason. Lori and Carl were what kept him centered, his reason for living and his strength.

As Andrew Lincoln rightfully said, Lori and Carl were the two engines of his life. He was also right when he said the below quote: 

“They are their first loves. They're almost at a cellular level. They love each other and they can't help that. Even though they're broken, they're the last memory that they have of their life before.” (x)

Rick and Lori’s relationship is rocky and it’s far from perfect, but their love for each other is in their DNA. After the events of season 2, Rick and Lori become estranged and their relationship breaks down in season 3 leading up to her death.

But once again it’s so obvious that these are two people that are in love but that have been through so much shit and are stuck in such horrendous circumstances that they simply can’t make their relationship work. In their final scene together, Lori’s says “I thought you were coming out here to talk about us”, which shows that she wanted to get things back on track with Rick. And her reaction to him walking away from her is the look of a woman who is broken hearted to be losing the man she loves. 

When Lori dies, we see that Lori’s love for Rick wasn’t one-sided. Despite how closed off and cold he seemed to be towards Lori, her death completely broke him. 

Not only does he wail in despair and fall to the ground sobbing, he then goes into a catatonic state and a fit of rage as he kills every walker in sight and repeatedly stabs the walker that ate Lori. Rick’s mental state is so affected by Lori’s death that he hallucinates a phone call with her and proceeds to have multiple hallucinations whereby he sees Lori and even interacts with her.

(my gifs)

The phone call is so heartbreaking because we finally hear everything Rick has been thinking and feeling about Lori. He admits that he still loves her and says he couldn’t put it back together. The regret of not being able to make his marriage work and not telling her exactly how much he loved her before she died was eating him up inside.

It confirmed that Rick never stopped loving Lori, and that deep down inside he always hoped and believed they could find a way to be together again. His hallucinations were the only way his mind was able to deal with her loss and the devastating regret of never saying goodbye and telling her all the things he wanted to say. 

By the point that Lori died, Rick had already been hardened by the new world and experienced loss and death, but losing his wife is by far the most profound loss he suffers up to this point and we really see how deeply it affects him. It’s not the kind of death where he cries once and then moves on. His entire mental and emotional state is detroyed and the impact of it takes its toll on him throughout the whole of season 3. Even in the final episode of the season, when he’s leaving the prison, he looks up to the gate where he last spoke to Lori before she died. 

It’s really no surprise that Rick reacted this way to Lori’s death. She’d been his partner for most (if not all) of his adult life. She was the woman he had shared everything with for decades; his wife, his best friend, his confidante, his anchor, his comfort, the mother of his child, his safety. She was everything he’d ever known and regardless of how distant they became or the circurmstances that pushed them apart, she was his constant. Rick would always, no matter what happened or how much time passed, love Lori. 

Even in death, his love for her is clear. He continued to wear his wedding ring for a long time after she died and dedicated his life to raising Judith as his own. This is something that’s taken forgranted by fans. It was almost a given that Rick would care for Judith and be her father, when in reality, he could’ve refused. He could’ve resented Judith because she’s Shane’s daughter and a living reminder of his best friend who who murdered and that slept with his wife, betrayed him and tried to kill him. He also could’ve resented Judith for leading to Lori’s death. In fact, I think part of him did initially and that’s why in the immediate aftermath of Lori’s death he couldn’t bring himself to see her or hold her. But the second he did, he loved her and knew she was and always would be his daughter regardless of biology. 

There’s no doubt in my mind that Rick loves Judith partly because she’s Carl’s sister, but it’s also because she’s Lori’s daughter. He lost his wife, but he has Judith who is a piece of Lori just as Carl is. But more importantly, Lori specifically told Rick that no matter what happened he was always going to be the father of her baby. 

Rick loves Judith because she’s daughter, but everything he has done for Judith and every ounce of love he has for her stems from his love for his wife. It’s so easy for people to forget that, but if Rick didn’t love and respect Lori as much as he did, it’s possible he may have never come to accept and love Judith as his own daughter in the way that he did. 

I love Rick and Lori’s relationship because I think it’s a real relationship. It’s not the kind of great epic love story that draws people in, it’s more subtle than that and more alike to relationships that ordinary people have. They had their ups and downs, neither of them were perfect and their relationship broke down more than once, but through all of those downs, their love remained strong. They were always connected and there was an inevitability to them. Even when they were at their worst, they still believed in their hearts they’d be together again. They had a mutual respect and understanding, and they were a partnership. Rick turned to Lori for support and advice when he was at a crossroads and didn’t know where to turn. Lori leaned on Rick for strength as her husband and father of her child. She trusted that he would always keep them safe and act in their best interests. Unfortunately, their story ended tragically. Lori died never knowing how Rick truly felt and Rick had to suffer the soul-destroying pain of losing his wife and live with the guilt of her death and regret that he didn’t tell her he loved her whilst he still had the chance. But even in death their love lives on and no matter how much time passes or what changes, Rick will always carry Lori in his heart because they were the love of each others’ lives. 

*none of the gifs are mine (except the two I’ve stated)*

[amwritingmeta]

14x14: The Chicken and the Snake

Lots of snakes in this episode. Well, the episode is named for a snake symbol, isn’t it, so it makes sense, but the symbolism of the snake is all over the narrative. Like, everywhere. And it’s pretty. It’s just so pretty.

There’s the rattler in the painting, visible over Cas’ shoulder at El Sabroso, there’s the gorgon - Noah - of course, and Felix the Snake, shedding his skin, which to Rowena is a bit too on the nose *heart eyes* and then there’s the fable of the Chicken and the Snake, leading into Michael shedding his skin, as it were, but as the title of the post suggests, I’d like to frame this around the tale the gorgon tells Jack.

It goes as follows:

Once there was a crafty black snake who kept eating this poor chicken’s eggs. She couldn’t watch them all the time, you see. The black snake would wait until she was gone and then slide one of the eggs into his mouth and crush it in his throat. Now this went on until there was only one egg left, but when the chicken left that egg - just for a moment - the snake swallowed it up. But for some reason he couldn’t crush it in his throat. The chicken had hardboiled her final egg just to choke the snake. And the snake died. 

What does it mean?

Yes, that is the question.

Cas asks Noah why he’s telling Jack this story, and Noah says it’s because he can’t quite tell if Jack’s the chicken or the snake.

The chicken is willing to sacrifice her last egg because she realises there’s no way she can protect it with the snake alive. Rather than go through the pain of losing what she loves and watching the killer go free, she takes the preemptive measure, letting go of what she loves in order to put a stop to any more killing. Is it revenge for her previously lost offspring? There’s a tinge of it there, right? But as one might assume that the chicken can lay more eggs, her choice actually means that, by killing the snake, she’s protecting her next batch of eggs from being eaten. 

The snake is greedy, but, to be fair, he’s also a snake. Snakes eat eggs. The gorgon clarifies this as he says it’s not like he enjoys eating people, it’s a lonely way to live, but it’s his fate, or rather it’s the condition for his survival. (granted he’s a sadistic little prick, but that’s beside this point) Now look at the snake, which is acting according to its nature. There’s no malice to the snake’s actions. He’s crafty, sure, but he’s not stealing the eggs for fun or in order to torture the chicken. He’s stealing the eggs and eating them for sustenance. Not ideal for the chicken, and she has every right to find a way to protect her young, but also the two are natural enemies, so the scenario is to be expected.

Which one is Jack?

Well, there’s one more interpretation to be had out of this fable. Not just the two Cas offered: greed and sacrifice. This third interpretation can be had when taking into account that this fable isn’t just about the chicken and the snake.

What about the egg?

The egg that is helpless and without a say in the matter, even without a choice in its own fate to act as saviour or tool for vengeance or what have you. 

The fable then becomes a very stark comment on many aspects of life, where the crafty find ways to feed off the weak and exposed, and suffer all the little children. (I may be having issues with the political landscape atm) (irl bleed)

There’s also the Jungian point to be made of how the chicken represents life, the snake represents death and the egg represents the point where they meet. Highly symbolically, of course. 

Any way you look at it, you can’t ignore the egg in the equation.

Greed/selfishness vs. sacrifice = lost innocence.

And considering how the episode ends, Jack steps up to protect those he loves and (possibly) sacrifices his soul in order to stop Michael, leaving himself very much exposed to the danger of moving from protector, into threat. If this reading is correct, of course.

Chicken -> egg -> snake.

At the end of the episode, Jack could be seen to encompass all of them. 

I mean, just look at him spread those wings, stating that he’s himself again, while the entire episode is outlining the internal conflict he’s under, where he doesn’t consider himself an angel, but he’s burning off his soul to act as protector and shield, and through that choice leaving himself increasingly exposed to the darker side of his parentage, because without a soul to tie him to Kelly, there might not be anything to stop him from feeling all the influence of Lucifer that he so feared at the start of S13.

I’m not saying that I think he’ll necessarily be turning into Lucifer ie go absolutely eviiiilllll, I doubt that he will, because, to my mind, it doesn’t line up with the character progression of TFW, but Jack losing sight of what’s right and what’s wrong? Letting his powers go to his head, thinking he can protect the world? Possibly even isolating himself because he feels his father figures don’t actually understand him or, even, that they’re holding him back from making his own choices? That he’s outgrown them and he knows better than they do how to protect those he loves, including them?

Yup. Could be.

And what about Lucifer, awake in the Empty? Will Jack be able to bring him back now (canon would say yes) and will he? Well, he just declared himself the son of Lucifer. If he begins to feel isolated or controlled by TFW and he doesn’t have the humanity to understand the love they’re showing him - that is if his soul is actually burned away, but I can’t imagine the writers would let the possibility for this conflict just slip by, even if it’s not entirely gone just yet - then why not? Imagine the season ending on that moment? Eh?

(not saying it will) (just saying eh?) 

Now, the serpent is a very visual tie to the devil, if you want to make it Biblical, and see foreshadowing for Lucifer’s possible return. It holds up.

To my mind the most important meaning of the symbol of the snake is tied to what the title of the episode refers to: the Ouroboros.

The Ouroboros is one of humanity’s oldest symbols, and since its inception it has represented renewal, the cyclical nature of the universe, life out of death. For the alchemist, the Ouroboros also represented the harmony of opposites, and the reason I bring alchemy into it is because of Carl Jung.

Yes, that old fellow again, mentioned above and now once more. I’ve grown very fond of him since 14x08, let me tell you. 

Carl Jung studied alchemy with enthusiasm. He was always searching for correlations between his own thoughts on the human psyche, and the work done by great thinkers in fields outside his own. He believed in connectivity, and felt that like-mindedness was a strength, not a weakness. In alchemy he found many such correlations and even ways that helped him properly formulate his own ideas of individuation in a more approachable way.

He says about the Ouroboros: 

The alchemists, who in their own way knew more about the nature of the individuation process than we moderns do, expressed this paradox through the symbol of the Ouroboros, the snake that eats its own tail. The Ouroboros has been said to have a meaning of infinity or wholeness. In the age-old image of the Ouroboros lies the thought of devouring oneself and turning oneself into a circulatory process, for it was clear to the more astute alchemists that the prima materia of the art was man himself. The Ouroboros is a dramatic symbol for the integration and assimilation of the opposite, i.e. of the shadow. 

Alchemy is most famous for extremely clever women and men striving to turn basic metal into gold, but the true spirit of the teachings of alchemy is all about a refinement of the alchemist as a human being. To strive for internal balance. This is what drew Jung to it and kept him engrossed in its teachings for a good chunk of his life.

One could also see the snake (crafty) and chicken (nurturing) as the internally imbalanced shadow-self/ego, striving for dominance and neglecting to actually care for the egg (inner child). 

The thing, to my Jungian-laden brain, is this: internal balance won’t be struck by killing the shadow-self, because the shadow-self can’t be killed. It’s a part of the Self and needs to be integrated. The fact that the shadow-self can’t be killed was supported, one might say, by the visual narrative of 14x14, as part of Michael (representative of Dean’s shadow-self) was absorbed into not the ego, because that’s Dean himself, but into Jack (representative of Dean’s inner child).

So, yes, my first reaction was that there might be a bit of turbulence up ahead. Because the inner child declaring its very clear identity confusion as though it’s not aware of this confusion, before swallowing up the shadow-self in order to protect the ego is symbolically very, very unhealthy. 

Or maybe there won’t be turbulence up ahead because who knows what other curve ball might be thrown into the mix! I’ve no solid idea where this is headed. Maybe Jack gobbled Mikey up and is completely healed and now Jack will go fix Heaven and stabilise the shit out Hell and all will be right with the entire world.

Yeah, okay, I sincerely doubt it. :)

Oh, and to clarify, when I talk about Jack representing Dean’s inner child etc. is not me saying that Jack isn’t also his own character, because he is, but he serves Dean’s progression, yeah? Jack can’t progress if Dean doesn’t, because Dean is the narrative axis around which all else pivots. Dean’s choices largely inform the trajectory of the narrative. 

And wouldn’t it be great if Dean’s on track to getting out of that position soon? It would be! Because that position makes it so much easier for him to believe it’s all on him, when it really doesn’t have to be. 

Now, let’s take into account that Jack’s new pet snake’s name is Felix. Felix means “lucky”, but it also has its roots in “happy”. 

Meaning that Jack now has happiness for a pet, in the shape of a being that traditionally represents resurrection, as it sheds its skin and through that act is proverbially reborn. And perhaps this is visual foreshadowing that Lucifer is about to rise again, or perhaps it’s a visual plant of how Jack may need to reach a point where he’s faced with those old questions of Who am I? and Who do I want to be?

What do you want, Jack? I think you gotta whole lotta growing up to do before you can actually answer that question. 

I hope he gets to learn the lessons, and be happy, but them narrative chips will fall where they may. I am so here for this ride.

[thedungeonsbat]

Muggle Love (Chapter 13)

Chapter 13

Holly had been asking you questions about Severus since that conversation with Carl. Of course, he told her about it. You were not mad at him because one day or another, she had to find out and she was the one who noted the change in your attitude in the first place. You were careful not to mention anything that might make her suspicious about his true identity and you did not tell her how much you felt for him.

There had been numerous sleepless nights which you spent tossing and turning in your bed like a child, thinking about what it was that you felt, not just around him but even at his thoughts.

Even when you had an idea what it might be, you were too afraid to admit it. It would have been a lot easier if he was like you, but he was not. He was different, he was a wizard. He had told you how some wizards don't like befriending muggles. What was more upsetting was the thought of him rejecting you because you were not special like him.

Weeks passed by and Halloween was near. The reply to your letter from Severus was not so quick (He took his time, trying not to mess it up). Yet, it didn't say much except he was as well as he could be and asking you how it was going on. He did not write anything about Hogwarts except that he was the Potions Master which you thought to be very cool, chemicals with magic ingredients sounded fun. Also, it reminded you of the strange book you had read at his house.

You had grown very, very fond of Erebus and he had taken a liking to you too, he often showed affection towards you which was actually very pleasant. Even when he was asleep, you would talk to him about your days and feelings. He was the only one you talked to about how you truly felt about Severus. It had been months since you've been worrying about it.

'Maybe it's just a crush or something.' You kept telling yourself, even if it made no sense, but even a crush lasts for a maximum of four months and if the feeling seeds, it's love (that's another fact).

Did that mean you were falling for him?

After that thought had occurred to you, you were more than nervous to write to him. You never wrote to him again after that one time. Whenever you sat at your desk to write one nothing really comes to your mind, you were not sure what to ask or tell him. Obviously, he wasn't interested in what gossips you did. And every time you ended up scrunching up the papers.

You kept re-reading Severus' letter but of course, the words remained the same. You felt stupid hoping to find something - anything - about the wizardry school or at least about him. No matter how many times you read it, it was the same formal letter.

Finally, you made up your mind. You would write to him two days before Halloween.

_____________________

Severus was just as frustrated as you were or even more. He hated that the reason for his unusually extra bad mood was no word from you. Thankfully, everyone else thought it was because of Lupin but no one really knew the reality. Except for Dumbledore maybe because he kept smiling at Severus and he had this uneasy feeling that he knew.

Severus was unknowingly even deadlier than before. His patience was being tested by you, but you, however, have been unaware of these consequences. Extra house points were being deducted, even from his own house Slytherin and extra detentions were being given. The students did not even dare to argue with their Professor.

At the end of the day, he would sit at his desk and mark the essays, in an attempt to not think about you. He missed you, very much in fact. The strange optimism that surrounded him when he was with you was lacking. He felt emotions he thought he would never experience again around you.

He closed his eyes and began massaging his temples with his fingers. His frown hadn't disappeared for a long time now but he tried hard to de-frown. He was trying to meditate as you had once suggested in some conversation you had long ago but with little success.

'I'll owl you.' He recalled what you said and that did not make him feel any better but only more confused as to why after all these years he felt this. After years of cold-heartedness, he found a soft spot for someone. After all the years of emotional suffering, he felt happy but only with you and that could only mean one thing. The only thing he was afraid to feel.

The more he thought about it, the worse his headache became. Only if you shared his feeling, which of course you did but he was just too blind to see it.

He ran his hands through his hair a couple of times before finally giving up and going to sleep. He knew he would not be able to focus on his work in this state and he, for sure, did not want a loss of any more quills which he might break during the process.

~~Time Skip to Halloween (because the weeks were uneventful and I don't wanna bore you)~~

Halloween was here and the castle was already decorated with all sorts of decorations. Every child in Hogwarts was looking forward to the feast that night.

This time Erebus showed up along with all the other owls. When the owl post arrived the hall was filled with excited chatter. Severus was scowling at the happy crowd, as usual, that was before he realised one of the owls was his own.

He was surprised as well as pleased to see Erebus flying among all the others. He was not only carrying a letter but also a small package.

As soon as Erebus approached Severus' place, all the staff's eyes turned to him. Everyone was rather taken aback. Dumbledore and Ponoma smiled kindly at him whereas Minerva and Filius eyed him curiously. Hagrid looked as if he was about to say something but swallowed his words as Severus glared menacingly at him. The others, looking at how Severus was unpleased with all eyes on him turned their attention back to their plates.

Some of the Slytherin's also eyed their Head of the House curiously, including Draco who was smiling at him. Luckily their attention went back to their own owl posts and soon they began rambling about what their families had sent them.

Severus untied the letter and the package and put them in a pocket in his robes. Ponoma, who was sitting on his right tried to suppress a giggle. What all must be going in her mind right now, Severus did not know and he couldn't care less because finally, after weeks, a word from you arrived. But Dumbledore's twinkling blue eyes were something much harder to avoid. When Severus questioningly looked at him, all he did was smile cheekily. That did not feel so good.

The breakfast went slower than usual. Why is it that time passes slowly when you want it to go faster?

Many times during the meal Severus' hand lingered on his pocket. He couldn't wait to read what you wrote and see what you sent. What did you even send? There was only one way to know but he would have to wait. Ah, more wait!

After all the classes he had to take were over, he took a breath of relief. His hands found their way to your letter and the mysterious package. Even when he just wanted to rip it open, he gently opened the letter first.

'Happy Halloween Severus,

If my calculations were right this should have reached you on Halloween, not before or after. Anyway, I hope you're doing well. And sorry for being this late though I doubt you notice because I am quite sure you must be very busy (He scoffed and rolled his eyes because of course, he cared). Plus, I've sent you something which I really wish you like.

This may sound weird but I miss you very much. I know we haven't even known each other for that long but it's hard not to think of you and what you can do of course. To be honest, its often hard not to miss you (His expression softened and a small smile began to form on his face), you really are hard to forget ;).

Happy Halloween once again and please enjoy the celebration. I don't want to know that you were the same grumpy-self instead, I wish for a reply with details on what you did. Have a good day, Sev. Looking forward to seeing you, even if it isn't gonna happen anytime soon.

With love,

(Y/N).'

The feeling of warmth and affection filled Severus and he couldn't help but smile and re-read the letter, especially where you mentioned that you miss him as much as he misses you. It angered him how you thought you meant so little to him. How could his work ever be more important than you?

'What am I thinking? When did she mean so much to me?' Then the unavoidable thought came to his mind. What if….. He shook his head vigorously and took the package. It was wrapped nicely in wrapping paper. He opened it to find a box of… treats?

A small note saying 'Made these for you' was stuck to them. There were all sorts of sweets and cookies, chocolate chips and sugarless. Apparently, you wanted to make sure that at least one of these was his choice and they all were. Mostly. Even if they weren't, he would gladly have them because they were made by you for him.

His smile only broadened after receiving what he thought least probable. He was glad that after a wait that long, he got what he wanted. Not just some parcel, happiness, pleasure and warmth.

He carefully put all your homemade treats in his cupboard and continued with the routine. The only change was that strange delight he felt. No scowling at others and no points taken the whole day. That was until Black's attempt to get into the Gryffindor common room. Just the perfect thing to happen!

After making sure all the students were safe Severus could go to bed. Before he did so, he made sure to write you a reply. He began,

'(Y/N),

Happy Halloween to you too even though it's over now. I hope you had a nice holiday and thank you for the gift, that was very nice of you. I can't say my holiday was great but that's nothing new. Th-'

Just then, it occurred to him, he ought to give you something in return too. But what? The answer was quick - he needed to go to Hogsmeade.

"Incendio." He muttered and the parchment burned to ash. He smiled as finally, you would get something you really wanted, something from the wizarding world.

~~Time skip to Hogsmeade visit~~

Third-years were more than excited for the coming weekend because they would visit Hogsmeade again. It would take make more weekends for their excitement to wear off. The others to visit the wizarding village were moderately excited. All the common rooms were filled with eager chats.

Severus knew what he had to do but the problem was with how. He had an idea but was not quite sure about it.

Before leaving for Hogsmeade along with all other students after the breakfast, he had a few of your handmade cookies. They really were exceedingly delicious. As he had already done before, he admired your skill in baking and cooking.

In a way better mood than the previous few weeks, he headed off.

He spotted Draco Malfoy in Honeydukes and with great courage asked him for a favour. He called him aside and trying to maintain his business-like tone, he asked,

"I need you to do something for me Malfoy." He stated rather than ask. He could see Draco was a bit nervous as Severus never really asked for favours. Severus rolled his eyes, "Dont worry, I'm not gonna ask you to murder someone."

It did seem to reassure him, a bit. He nodded. "What can I do for you Professor?" He asked smugly, feeling proud that his teacher trusted him with his work, especially a teacher like their Potions Master.

Severus instructed him on what he needed to do exactly, avoiding any question. Draco was suspicious as to why he was asking him to do so but Severus being his professor as well as a friend of his father's, he obeyed.

As told, Draco brought him the required things. The 'things' were indeed very less likely to be purchased by a professor which justified Severus wanting him to buy the Bertie Bott's Every Flavour beans, Cauldron cakes, Charm choc, Nougat chunks, Glacial Snow Flakes, Chocoballs and Pumpkin pasties. It was almost all the best sweets in Honeydukes, he did not detail what he wanted but told him to get everything except 'the stupid ones'.

He stored them all in a bag with an Extending Charm on it. He handed them all to Severus and smirked at him, he wondered who he might want to give these to because he was certain that his professor did not enjoy these sweets. Severus thanked him in a stern tone, though he was grateful and tried hard to avoid his mischievous glance. He could not blame him though, any one would get doubtful if they saw him with all those sweets.

___________________

After returning from Hogsmeade, Severus went to his private office and wrote another letter for you,

'Thank You (Y/N),

I received your letter and the gift two days ago, thank you for that. The reason for the delay in my reply, you will find with the letter itself. It is not a payback but a mere fulfilment. You might find them unusual, they are what you get here. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy them but also be careful with a few.

It is too late to wish you a 'Happy Halloween' too but I do hope you had a nice holiday. Mine was okay, it shouldn't matter, nothing new to me.

Most importantly, I want you to know that I am not too busy to not care.

- Severus.'

When he was satisfied with the response, he made for the owlery where he would find Erebus.

Erebus flew away with a piece of parchment and a box full of wizard sweets which seemed too heavy for him to carry but Severus put a charm on it so that his owl won't bear much burden.

He watched him until he disappeared completely. Even with what was going on with Black's attempt to enter the castle, Severus was not so bothered. He smiled to himself and pictured your reaction after you would accidentally have a vomit-flavoured bean.

How much longer until you could finally see each other again?

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A/N: Sorry this one had to wait for this long. also, sorry for boring you with their thoughts, emotions etc. I promise you a better chapter but you will still have to wait for the real thing, when theg finally get to meet each other once again. There are gonna be a few more time skips. one to Christmas and the next to New year. I hate making you wait for so long but I don't want to rush this thing. Hope you enjoyed the chapter!

P.S. I really like Severus and the Malfoys' relation, you'll be seeing more of it later ;)

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@smokindoinksinthejungle

@princetale

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