#and it��s almost the one year anniversary of me starting to post the comic

[jimmyaquino]

My heart has broken in pieces. One of my best pals John Cassaday passed away last night. 52. Way too young. I'm fucking devastated. I've been waiting to post anything as I was trying to find the right words. Plus, I was digging up old photos. Still so many to go through. I may ramble a bit so please bear with me. 

I was at the hospital when he peacefully passed away and I got to say goodbye beforehand. I heard about his hospitalization (I wont go into details on what happened) on Wednesday and went to the hospital every day before work. I would go into his room each time and just chat with him. I randomly texted him last Monday night, 

“Hello! I just wanted to say hi and send some mad Jimmy love. Careful. It’s spicy!”  He replied at 10:46pm with “Love you back!” And as I found out later from his girlfriend Tara, he was taken to the hospital about an hour or so later. Some small solace that my final text was one of mutual love. 

Yesterday, I went into his room and spent some time with him and said good-bye just a couple of hours before he was no longer with us. I gave as much love as I could, mentioning as many as I remembered. And I know this may seem silly, but when I held his hand, I felt a small twitch. I know it”s just an unpredictable body thing but I’ll take it. As you can imagine, I’m a wreck and have been openly bawling off and on. He is my best friend. And that’s what’s great. He is a lot of people's best friend. He is so loved. And even though we may not have hung much as we used to, we always stayed in touch. Always there if I needed.

I first met John back in 2002 through a friend. She had told me about him and of course, I knew who he was from his comic work. Needless to say, we rapidly hit it off. Almost immediately started hanging out. We notoriously hit all the Hell's Kitchen spots (I lived there and he liked hanging there) til the wee hours for years. He introduced me to so many people and a bunch of us would hang out all the time. (Looking at you Paul Pope and John Lucas). That was the thing about John. As said, I was one of his best pals. But I know a lot of people were. Lucas and I were reminiscing last night about how he jokingly passed the Cassaday "best friend" mantle on to me when he moved out of NYC. Cass was so loved and admired by everyone. He always wanted me to meet other friends he knew and would tell me all about them. As I know he would tell them about me. He wanted us all to be one big family of friends. 

I started doing the podcast with Joe Gonzalez in 2005 and John was so supportive. He'd come to the anniversary live recordings as either a guest or just to hang and support. My first San Diego Comic Con was that year and he introduced me to big name friends of his and asked if they'd let us interview them. He'd always tell his friends, "Jimmy's got this terrific new podcast. You gotta go on it". We were always together at SDCC over the years. So much so that if we weren't together at the moment, people would promptly ask me "Where's John?" I loved it! For years, we'd either be on the same flight in or try to land at similar times and then a friend would take us straight to In N Out. 

Besides comics, we shared our love for quite a few things. One of them being the movie It's A Wonderful Life. It's my fave film of all time. And John loved it so much as well. We'd talk about it, quote it, reference it, etc. A couple of years ago, he got me an incredible birthday gift. It's one of those old movie lobby cards that were displayed in movie theater lobbies back in the day. And yes, this one was from back in the 1940's when the movie was released! I had it framed and it's been on my wall ever since. Along with an original art piece from his Astonishing X-Men run he gifted me for another birthday years ago. 

So many favorite memories with him. A few random ones: 1). Me, him and Lucas hit a comedy show back in the day and all 3 of us had our long hair and one comedian kept referring to us as the "cast of The Sopranos". 2). Nick Barrucci got us a limo from NYC to Philly to celebrate John's birthday for one weekend. Fun weekend of food/drinks/clubs/etc. 3). One SDCC, he grabbed my flask usually full of whiskey (I had substituted it w/ an amaro) and did a literal spit take onto my white tie. 4). He refused to get a cell phone for a long time and would have people call/text me when we were out. Sometimes a famous friend or 2 and I'd be like "(insert celeb name here) just called me!" I eventually took him to get his first one. 5). He became friends with Nathan Fillion and brought him to my bar one night. I got off early and the 3 of us had A NIGHT of food/drinks til about 8am when we left the after hours pub. 

I have so many memories and so many pictures to share. Perhaps I will start to share them soon. 

Also, he'd love that he's being talked about in the same space as the great James Earl Jones whom we also lost on Monday. Legends both.

I can't say enough about his girlfriend of 10 years Tara. She was a warrior throughout all of this. While I fielded some calls/texts/messages and helped inform people, she was doing it tenfold. So much love to her and John's family. Some of his cousins came down and it was lovely to spend time with them.

An IAWL quote: "All you can take with you is that which you've given away." And John gave away so much love. 

I'm devastated. The grief comes in waves. But I will spread the Cassaday love forever. Happy to share any stories and love seeing all of yours. He was a love virus. An incredibly talented, kind, generous, loving, loyal friend. I will never forget you, Johnny boy. You changed my life for the better. 

[popculturebuffet]

Top 27 Weird Al Songs

Hello all you happy weirdos and I hope you have your bologona, your mediums sized root beer with free refills and your twinkie weiner sandwitches ready because this post is going to be long. It's also a break from format: I usually review movies, tv shows, comics. In fact I reviewed Weird Al's first movie UHF earlier this year. It was awesome. I usually don't dip into music itself but with the momentous arrival of Weird Al's wonderfully insane parody of biopics Weird: The Al Yankovic Story, I just had to do something for the occasion. And while Al's done ton of voice work so I had plenty of options from the beautifully meta choice to cast him as Wreck-Gar in transformers animated, to his ponytastic turn as Pinky Pie's future husband Cheese Sandwitch whose basically Weird Al but younger and a horse, and of course his starring roll in the criminally short lived Milo Murphy's law among MANY others I intend to cover at some point. (especially since I just realized while writing this next year is his 40th anniversary) , I decided to focus on the man himself.

Weird Al is one of my faviorite musicians and I say that without a tinge of irony and with all the pride I can muster in my spleen: Weird Al has lasted this long for damn good reason, being able to deftly copy the sounds of a day and parody or homage them with expert skill, while also able to make his own unique compositions from stylistic parodies to just plain original ten minute epics and fun polka mashups of the last few years of music. He's also one of the genuinely sweetest and nicest guys in the music buisness: he's kind, respectful of the artists he parodies (asking permission after the whole Coolio thing but their Coolio now so it's Coolio), and just one of the coolest dudes around. He's done everything with 14 albums, countless singles for other projects, 2 films, 2 tv series (he didn't write milo but he did STAR in it and was in almost every episode so I count it), voice work and more. He's my hero is what i'm saying so join me under the cut for this ill advized self indulgent mega list honoring the man's career

A few things off the bat: This list is my opinon. I shoudln't have to say that but it's the internet equilvent of that warning thing from the start of Jackass: no one whose going to get frothingly upset at this list is going to listen to it but I have to put it in there. These are the songs I consider the best of the best. This also means some cuts got made, and as such two albums aren't represented here: His self Titled Debut and Even Worse. BOth aren't bad albums and it killed me to have to cut "Such a Groovy Guy and "I Think I"m a Clone Now" respectively, but even with 27 slots this was a VERY hard list. So with that said

27. Like a Surgeon (Dare to Be Stupid)

Starting us off we have one of the classics. This one's simple, silly and hilariously dark as our narrating character is apparently so horrible at his job a lot of people have implicitly died. It's a shock Dr. Nick hasn't recrecorded this with his good friend mr. mccraig

26. Cavity Search (Bad Hair Day) Bad Hair Day is one of Al's best albums, a nice bit of mid 90's greatness and the start of the growth that would lead to his monumental later albums. It's the most represented on this list with FOUR songs, the most of any (though many have three so don't worry), and each one deserved. This one made me check out the original song and while a mostly goofy little bit about dentistry parodying U2's Batman Forever theme.... a sentence that reminds me why I do this job, somehow, it's still solid with Al nicely mimicking Bono.... though how he surivived the amount of smug he'd have to injest to do that is beyond me. 25. Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters From A Planet Near Mars (UHF) UHF was a great film and naturally had a great if very loose soundtrack. Only three songs actually show up in the movie: the title track, "Let Me Be Your Hog", and "Money For Nothin (Beverly Hillbillies) and a few sound clips. That didn't stop the album from being as good as the film though and this song is proof.

This song is classic al sillyness, being all in the title which we hear plenty. It's every bit as glorious and stupid as it sounds, in particular them coming in ships "shaped just like cuban cigars". Sure they destroyed the world and are are going to turn us all to goop but you have to admit their pretty cute. The guitar for this flim is impressive. It's a 50's b-movie al style and I badly hope he makes it into a real one some day. Speaking of which...

24. Nature Trail to Hell in 3-D (In 3D) In 3D was Al's breakout album and for good reason: while he'd make far better albums as his career went on, In 3D is where he starts to have the polish we've come to know after the rough but charming first album. It only has one entry on this list but said entry is a doozy. I already loved Nature Trail to Hell when I first heard it but becoming a horror fan makes me love it all the more as Al lovingly spoofs the 80's slasher boom with a fake trailer, with Al talking about all the gory things that are going to happen in such an over the top way you can't help but burst a spleen laughing, and the angelic chorus of NATURE TRAIL TO HELL IN 3D! just clinches it for me. Another one that really could be a film. Given the reception Weird's getting it's not out of the question.

23. Handy (Mandatory Fun)

Mandatory Fun was sadly Al's last studio album, with Al moving onto singles. We did get a soundtrack Album for Weird, but from the looks of it it's mostly the score, a few updated versions of old classics for Daniel Radcliff to lipsynch to. I can't blame him, the album format simply dosen't work as well for Parody these days and he's clearly found other stuff to do, but I do miss getting a guaranteed bit of al weirdness every three years and only got to enjoy an album coming out twice. Thankfully Mandatory Fun is a great note to go out on and showed he still got it. Case in point we've all long since forgotten Iggy Izalea.. but his parody of her breakout and only hit "Fancy", Handy, is still a banger, with Al having terrific flow and a wonderfully stupid premise of rapping about plumming. The speed he ratttles things off at sometimes is insane.. though FAR from the fastest he'll rattle off about handy man stuff. We'll get to that.

22. UHF (Straight Out of Lynwood UHF)

UHF was a film that deserved a catchy theme and damn if it didn't get it. It's a simple "watch the station" type anthem that dosen't make complete sense as that's not the stations name, but dosen't have to as it's well done, hilarous, original and will NEVER leave your head. Belivie me i've had 20 doctors try.

21. Amish Paradise (Bad Hair Day) I might get some flak for this one. Not for putting it on the list, but for putting it so low. While I feel there's 20 songs better than this one it dosen't make Amish Paradise any less awesome. Taking a serious rap number about gang violence and a good song in it's own right and making it into an Amish Brag Rap that lightly pokes fun at the Amish while not really bashing them takes the kind of mad genius Al is to put together. His suprisingly impressive flow at rap also shows again during the section at the end "Raised a bar on sunday, then i'll raise another!'. IT's once again Al taking an utterly stupid idea and not only making it work but making it a stone cold classic.

20. Do I Creep You Out? (Straight Outta Lynwood) And not one entry later i'm going to say something that's going to annoy a LOT of you: White and Nerdy isn't on this list. It's excellent and al once again shows off his impressive flow and ablitlty to talk let alone rap at a speed few can match, but ultimately I just found other songs were better. That said it's album, Straight Outta Lynwood is well represented here and is one of Al's best if not THE best. Relistneting to it for this album I forgot just how solid it is and how many classics it has. This one I admit is partly for personal reasons: see the song being parodied, the THANKFULLY forgotten "Do I Make You Proud?" was EVERYWHERE and played CONSTANTLY on radio stations, at weddings, funerals, public bathrooms. You could not escape this incredibly schmaltzy, incredibly stupid song. It was long, droning and it was terrible. So it's no shock that not only did Al do it better, but made it hilarious. Do I Creep You Out? isn't Al's first stalker song, the other being Melanie, but this one is less creepy by being more over the top. The stuff the narrator does is IMMENSELY creepy, but the shchmaltzy tone makes it still work today despite stalking being taken as seriously as it should and to Al's credit it's clear he takes the creepy shit his character is doing seriously... he just makes it funny by putting it in the context of a schmaltzy love ballad. It's what he does.

Oh and if your wondering about the image Al did the video with Jib Jab, who you also rightfully forgot and who i'm not bothering to research as the quality for the video is low, but it still works for the image of Al dressed as Aaron Hicks.

19. Foil (Mandatory Fun) Another great song from the final stretch for Al, Foil works entirely thanks to it's bait and switch. The first half is about foil, seeming to be another of Al's food based parodies.. until he starts rattling off about conspiracies. The abrupt shift combined with the contrast with the nice light tones borrowed from Royals makes this a modern classic. The video dosen't hurt either, with Al going nuts on air, Patton Oswalt playing a lizard man and catchy backup singers. Good stuff.

18. Captain Underpants Theme (Captain Underpants: The Epic First Movie Soundtrack) The only song not from one of Al's Al-Bums on the list is this banger of a theme song for a mediocre film based on a classic book series. Given Al was brought up in the first book, it's only fitting George and Harold's patron saint did the theme song. Naturally Al tackles it with all his enthusiasm and ham, perfectly matching the property. Summing it up as a "freaky bald dude in his underwear" is fitting. It's cheesy, it's smooth as hell, and it's perfect. It's a shame the cartoon that followed didn't use this awesome as hell theme and hopefully if there's ever another film they don't repeat the same mistake.

17. Ringtone (Alpocalypse)

Alpocalypse was the first Al-Bum I got to listen to after it came out and it was a great one to start on, with tons of all timers, parodies of stuff I knew at the time, and general fun. The cover of Al as a horseman of the apocalypse just clinches it. Ringtone was always going to be a faviorite of mine as it parodies one of my faviorite bands: Queen gets the Al treatment for the third time, but unlike his previous parody and tribute, this one just uses the style to create the tale of a man who picked a really rotten ringtone. Al once again talks really fast and it works, and combined with his deft and smooth as hell Piano work makes for a breezy, rediculous rock opera sounding track.

16. I"ll Sue Ya (Straight out of Lynnwood) I don't really know Rage Against the Machine well, but I absolutely Love al's parody which itakes angry white boy rock and puts it to frivolous lawsuits. if that sentence dosen't make you laugh I question how you got this far itno the article. The increasingly stupid lawsuits (my faviorite being "I swallowed a nerf ball and nearly choked to death), combined with the angry tone just make this majestic to hear.

15. Living With a Hernia (Polka Party) Living in America was an instant classic, as was it's rediuclous and entirley out of left field performance during Rocky IV. So having already parodied Rocky himself, the song was a great fit. Once again it's al taking a direction in making fun of the song you wouldn't think, using Brown's deep voice and cries as signs of a medical condition. Making this joyous song about Hernias was a bold strategy but it paid out. What really sells this one for me is that Al does one hell of a james brown, perfectly capturing the legendary singers shouty voice. The best Al Parodies are where he really sounds like the artist (while still having his own distinct voice as part of it) and this is one of his finest examples.

14. Party in the Cia (Alpocalypse)

Another one that shows the simple formula al uses: Take a popular song, find something totally batshit that contrasts with the beat. The fact he uses this formula a LOT but it hasn't gotten that old speaks to his creatvity and borderline insanity: anyone could parody Party in the USA, it was everywhere, Miley Cirus was an easy target at the time, and it was annoying. But making it about the CIA and having cheerful lyrics about "tourturing the folks we don't like" and "hand me that microfilm buddy will you, i'd tell you why but i'd have to kill you. Al just has this weird brand of humor that's unique, can get suprisingly dark but is also fairly wholesome. He'll sing about waterboarding sure but in a goofy cheerful way that makes it go down easy. He did the same with the end of all of humanity. It's just who he is and why I loves him so much.

13. eBay (Poodle Hat)

Another easy target as Ebay had become a big deal by 2003 and the Backstreet Boys had just finished being one (As a young me can attest). Ebay comes from Poodle Hat, easily one of Al's most underated albums. It probably dosen't help Eminem blocked the album because he didn't like Couch Potato making fun of me. While I do like some of Em's music come on man.... you dressed up like robin the year before this. Which was objectively funny (and I say that as a fan of all 5 of them)

But you can't wear this and then get mad when someone pokes fun at you for something different. He didn't block the parody but like.. blocking the video didn't do good for the album and is still one of the few dick moves i've seen directed Al's way.

Anyways Ebay is great, perfectly summing up how it feels to shop ebay and spoofing joes like me who buy "useless crap" off there all the time. We salute you for giving us a theme al. Granted I have no real desire for a Dukes of Hazzard Ash Tray but given in the past few months i've bought several books, a deck of yugioh cards, and more I'm not exactly that much higher up.

12. Waffle King (Alapalooza) Alapalooza has a great cover, name and Freddy Mercury Tribute Polka.. and not much else. It very narrowly made the cut, as it'sone of al's weaker albums.. but it did manage to give us one glorious banger. In the style of Peter Gabriel, Al embodies a weirdo who fines the perfect waffle recipie and then goes mad with power as everyone marvels over it and bows to the waffle king. Al really gets to ham it up here and the fun chords and wonderful chorus really sell this one. Plus as the late great Richard Thompson once said Waffles are just comedic gold and given Weird Al was able to make an entire song about it without coming off obnoxious, he was right god rest him.

11. Everything You Know Is Wrong (Bad Hair Day) A simple one: this one's just Al getting every bit as weird as he can while breaking reality over his knee to a catchy upbeat tune. If this dose'nt sum up his whole career I don't know what does.

10. Smells Like Nirvana (Off the Deep End) Off the Deep End came while Al was in a bit of a slump. As detailed in his autobiography, Al was having a bit of trouble getting his mojo back and was desperate for a number one to go with his latest album. After being gently rebuffed by Micheal Jackson, who didn't want to ruin the message of his song black or white (especailly when he could do it just dandy himself), Al thankfully caught a break that revivied his spark when he heard one of the defining songs of the ninties.. and coudln't make a single word out.

Smells Like Nirvana is more about how Kurt Cobain was not the easiest speaker to understand, something we all can relate to. From talking about "Marbles in his mouth" to making a few jabs at the band themselves, the song is a faviorite of us weird al fans for a reason, and the video only helps. Putting Al in a Kurt Cobain outfit was never not going to be pure comedy gold. Add in weird sound effects and Al perfectly matching the beat and tone of the original despite not remotely using Cobain's mumbly and you have a classic that the late great mr. cobain himself UTTERLY loved and rightfully felt was his we made it moment.

9. The Saga Begins (Running With Scissors) Another one and done album, I still love Running with Scissors (Jerry Springer ONLY didn't make it because some of the outdated language used to imitate Jerry can be hard to listen to), and it still got in with one of Al's crowning achievments. It would be enough to set the plot of the Phantom Menace to American Pie, turning one of the worst movies ever and one of the longest most boring songs ever (don't @ me, it's way too damn long and should know it), into one of Al's best. Like most Al Stuff something that probably shouldn't work works perfectly. The chorus of "My my this here anikin guy maybe vader someday later but he's just a small fry" works so well. It somehow tops his already brilliant parody of Lola , Yoda. (which BARELY didn't make the list)

What's most impressive though is HOW the song came about: through what he could dig up through fansites and only went to the pre screening. And George Lucas , famously not someone to listen to critics... smiled and loved it while Al himself cheered as "i'm going to be a jedi" happened to be a line in the film. PUtting in this much work to perfectly get a song down about a movie before it actually HAPPENED and getting it right is just one of manyr easons this man fucking rocks.

8. This is The Life (Dare To Be Stupid)

Dare To Be Stupid had more to offer than just the title track and while I already shared one great song from it earlier, it still has two more in the tank. And while you can probably guess the next one This is The Life is a criminally underated song, the tale of a smug man bragging about how rich he is. Al's fast upbeat tone, the fun lyrics and just general goofiness make this one of my faviorites and always a joy to listen to while mocking the hell out of the one percent.. which Al probably is at this point but that's okay man we love ya anyway.

7. Dog Eat Dog (Polka Party Polka Party is a decent Al-Bum, but it's easy standout is this stylistic parody of one of my faviorite bands: The Talking Heads. Like my hatred of "Do I Make You Proud?", i'm not hiding my bias here: while I always liked this song even before being a Talking Heads Head, just how spot on it is and how Al somehow mimicks Dave Byrne's hammy yet entirely calm style of singing. Even for him mimicking Byrne is an Achivement

Dog Eat Dog, while hilariously spoofing office life, really feels like a lost Talking Heads song. Singing about how much you love the office and jelly donuts and need your liquid paper, where's your liquid paper sounds exactly like something David Byrne would do and thus it's only inches into parody.. but in a way that works. David Byrne would do this and that's why it's so damn funny.

6. I Was Only Kidding (Off the Deep End)

Off the Deep End was pretty great, but it's triumph was not mocking Nirvana (though it was still awesome), but an original number by Al where one supreme dick tells his girlfriend his deep declrations of love were one joke. The sheer manic Al's character takes in this incredibly cruel act combined with the implication he gets shot for his bullshit makes this great enough.. but once again adding in a choir elevates an al song from good to

5. The Night Santa Went Crazy (Bad Hair Day) Bad Hair Day ends it's reign on this list with a classic. Do I really have to explain why this one is so fun? Dark? yes. Violent? Yes. Utterly hilarious yes. While Santa is evil is an easy take and santa going serial killer has been the subject of several films jollily tlaking about how he murders everyone in sight and his wife's selling the movie rights just works for me. It's right up there with other christmas classics for me.

4. Dare To Be Stupid (.... guess) A supreme ode to idiocy with a catchy beat, nice squeaky and hammy vocals alternating when needing, and a manic pace that never lets up it's no wonder that this is one of the best tracks in the already all timer Transformers the Movie Soundtrack and still went on to headline it's own album. IT's fast paced, non stop hilarious, and throughly stupid. It's the best. Well not really we have three more to go but it's one of them.

3. Genius in France (Poodle Hat

Al wrote a few epics in his later career, Starting with Albequrque (which isn't on the list, dont' throw things please and thank you) But while all four are great, again please don't throw things, I gave it to my faviorite. Al has managed to make one joke premises into 80 joke songs, it's most of this list in fact but making a 13 minute epic with switching song types about french sterotypes and idiocy jokes that never lets up and I can never not nlisten to the whole thing. That's a true genius, even if it likely wasn't recorded in france. Every time I get bored, the song switches up to keep my attention, and comes up with some new and clever way to make fun of the singers intellgence or french sterotypes. It never stops. If you listen closely you'll still hear it playing on the ends. A true masterpiece that al rightfully still plays in concert that I don't feel nearly gets the love it deserves.

2. Close But No Cigar (Straight Outta Lynwood)

Yet another style parody of a band I like. What a shocker. I don't have the devotion to Cake I do to Queen or The Talking Heads, but their still neat and Al for the 90th time this list perfectly apes their style. It's stuff we've seen if good stuff

What elevates this one is the subject, being about a guy who keeps seeming to find his dream girl only to get hung up on some very stupid flaw like using infer instead of imply or one earlobe being too big. TH ebuild up to WHAT he's going to have his problem, the kicking chorus nad the cool as hell breakdown all make this one that's close to number one.. but no cigar. Also yes the video is good if sadly made by a pedophile.

Hardware Store (Poodle Hat)

Number one goes to a true classic. one every al fan knows by heart.. well at least up to the part where he fucking explodes, rattling off about 80 diffrent objects in the span of two minutes to the point even HE can't do it live. Before that it's the simple but charming tale of a guy whose excited his town's getting a hardware store. The dorky midwest charm of just being excited something new is opening is something I relate to and this song captures that beautifully. Granted i'm not a tool guy but whatever you like you can relate to seeing "all this stuff " and rattling off a list in your head, and the sheer joy, infectious chorus and of course that fucking bridge make this number one eaisly. It's goofy, it's simple yet complex.. it's weird al. The once and future polka king. Thanks for reading, you can find this whole list on spotify HERE

[traincat]

I’ve been trying to piece together a few things from your Twitter and Tumblr posts alike and still can’t make heads or tales of things, so would you mind helping out a FF & spideytorch noob? 1) what is currently happening with Johnny in the comics? (I’ve fallen head over heels for this guy, largely all your doing) 2) when’s the last time he and Peter have interacted, canon wise? (And do you think upcoming interactions are likely?) 3) your thoughts on if they’ll have him come out in the near future? (has that ‘biggest change to the fantastic four’ teaser come to pass yet?) Love all your content, thank you!

I'd say no problem but then I started thinking about this current run again and got a headache. But yes, I can do that to save you from reading it, because it is very largely not good.

So I don't think it's unfair to just flat out say the current Fantastic Four run is not very good, largely due to writer Dan Slott's efforts. Slott was previously on Amazing Spider-Man for 10 years, to mixed opinions, but a large portion of Spider-Man fandom, myself included, blames him near singlehandedly for the decline in quality of Spider-Man books over those ten years. I will say, in the interest of fairness, that Slott as a writer has an incredible fondness for the Spider-Man/Human Torch relationship, and that a lot of the recent teamups and interactions between them have been written or co-written by him. So it's all not all negative here. But in general, I personally find Slott's more recent comics (the last seven-ish years especially) to be badly plotted out, messily characterized disasters that feature characters written with all the emotion of a cardboard cutout. That's me putting it nicely.

To explain this fully, you have to understand the position Fantastic Four comics were in from the years 2015 through 2018, both in the fictional 616 universe and in the real publishing world. Following the 2015 Secret Wars event (great if you want some Johnny angst in the background of your plot), the Fantastic Four were disbanded -- Reed, Sue, and their many biological and found family children were presumed dead but in reality were remaking the multiverse, unable, for a reason that was never clearly defined, to reach home. Ben and Johnny were left on Earth. They had an unspecified falling out, likely due to Reed and Sue's absence, and went their separate ways -- Ben joined the Guardians of the Galaxy and went to space. Johnny was featured on both Inhumans and Avengers books. What's notable about this period is that it's the first time since 1961 that there was no Fantastic Four book being published by Marvel. Now the real world reason behind this is both complicated and extremely petty: Marvel really wanted the Fantastic Four film rights. Marvel denied this explanation at the time, stating that the reason was sales motivated, but it was a thoroughly flimsy excuse and Jonathan Hickman, writer of 2015's Secret Wars and overseer of the current X-Men plot, gave an interview saying the decision was film rights motivated. This decision kept the Fantastic Four books off the shelves for three years, up until the Disney-Fox merger, which secured the X-Men and Fantastic Four rights for Disney's Marvel Studios. Marvel then announced that the Fantastic Four book would be returning. So that's a little bit of background as to the precarious place the Fantastic Four currently occupy in the Marvel universe -- it's worth noting that this year is their 60th anniversary, and Marvel has done very little for it. Compare this to the X-Men, whose film rights Marvel also obtained during the Disney-Fox merger, and whose books are currently dominating the publishing lineup. The Fantastic Four definitely occupy an unpopular position, one Marvel themselves is at least partially responsible for forcing them into.

But to move back into the actual content of the book -- the readjustment period Slott wrote reintroducing the Fantastic Four into the Marvel universe can be described as clumsy, at best. It's never fully explained why Reed, Sue, and the kids couldn't return to Earth, something that was explored in Chip Zdarsky's 2017 Marvel Two-in-One, which featured Ben, Johnny, and Doom on a multiversal roadtrip to try and find their family and which I on the whole recommend, despite it having an awkward ending due to being cut short by Slott's announced Fantastic Four main title.

(Marvel Two-in-One 2017 #4)

Instead, the Fantastic Four return to a Marvel universe a little different than how they left it, with the Baxter Building -- formerly the offices of Parker Industries, the company Doc Ock started in Peter's body during Superior Spider-Man that Peter inherited after his defeat and then lost spectacularly when he trashed his own company to fight nazis (good for him) -- occupied by a different fantastic foursome in a plot that goes nowhere and does nothing. This is somewhat emblematic of the early days of Slott's run -- he introduces ideas that fail to go anywhere, including Johnny's rekindled relationship with his other best friend and former college roommate, Wyatt Wingfoot, who he was seen being very cuddly with in the early issues.

(FF 2018 #1) A small group of Fantastic Four fans have argued for a while that if Marvel was to have Johnny come out, a relationship with Wyatt would feel very natural -- they're already close, with Wyatt being an important Fantastic Four supporting character since the '60s. I have some further analysis here on the conspiracy theory that Johnny and Wyatt were supposed to be in relationship at the beginning of this run but that that plot was, for whatever reason, nixed. I don't know that I entirely believe this theory, for the record -- but I do think the pieces line up remarkably well.

Anyway, that didn't/hasn't yet happened, obviously. Slott instead for the most part put Johnny on the back burner for the beginning of his run, up until the Spyre arc, which I have reason to believe is the main story he pitched that he credits with securing him the Fantastic Four title. The Spyre arc suggests that the Fantastic Four's failed space exploration during which they got their powers wasn't just to beat the commies to the moon, as Lee and Kirby envisioned (simpler days), but to reach a specific planet outside of our galaxy. When the team sets out to conquer this mission, they arrive at the planet, but are quickly captured. The planet, they find out, operates like a soulmate AU -- everyone has a fated person that they are matched to via a gold armband. Reed and Sue are soulmates (and Ben is confined to an underground subterranean with the other monsters, because this is a Fantastic Four comic) while it's discovered! Shocker! That Johnny is actually the soulmate of the one the planet's inhabitants, a winged woman named Sky, with the suggestion that this is both why Johnny's previous relationships have never worked and why he loves space exploration -- he was just trying to get to his Soulmate TM.

(FF 2018 #15) "What's going on here? Where are my clothes?" As you can see, this didn't start off super great, with Johnny being separated from his family, stripped naked, and put in Sky's bed with a soulmate armband slapped on him. Did I mention they're only removable if your soulmate takes it off for you? And that Sky has consistently refused despite Johnny asking her to? Yeah. It's bad. (I think it's important to note Johnny's long history as a victim of assault plays into this narrative, whether or not Slott is personally holding that in mind while writing, which I don't believe he is. cw in the linked post for discussions of sexual assault.) There's an additional issue here in that Slott has a history of problematic writing regarding women of color, featuring characters he's created to act as love interests being oversexualized, infantilized, villainized, or some mix of all three, with two examples of this phenomena being Cindy Moon and Lian Tang, both of whom he introduced in quick succession in Amazing Spider-Man. Slott certainly didn't have to write Sky as manipulative or controlling towards Johnny, but that's what he chose to do, and that factors into the bigger picture of unfortunate themes in his writing.

Sky returns to Earth with the Fantastic Four despite Johnny appearing unenthused about the idea and initially generally reluctant to interact with her. Apparently they went on a few dates after this and kind of made up. I don't know because I stopped reading for about ten issues in there but I feel confident I missed very little. It's hard to talk about the Sky plot without referencing Johnny's previous interactions with a character named Lyja, a Skrull whose relationship to Johnny I have a long breakdown of here. It's doubly hard, because Lyja actually showed back up in Fantastic Four during this plot. Lyja's modus operandi has remained consistent throughout almost all of her appearances, which I guess makes sense, because she literally has no storylines that do not involve her being obsessed with Johnny, and this recent story isn't any different: Lyja shows up, Lyja disguises herself as another woman in Johnny's life to get close to Johnny, Lyja gets caught and claims it was all fine because she did it for love. This time she disguised herself as Sky.

(FF 2018 #32) Not gonna lie, kind of proud of him for this one. That's one of my problems with Slott -- very occasionally, he busts out good moments, only to undermine them with the rest of his narrative.

In the same issue, Alicia Masters, the first woman Lyja impersonated in order to get close to Johnny, uses her supervillain stepfather's radioactive clay to control Lyja's mind and send her back to space, and I do think she utilized girl power when she did this. Johnny, left reeling after Lyja's latest attempts to trick him into a relationship, ends this issue by sleeping with Victorious, Dr. Doom's right hand woman.

I know she pegged him. I know it. This scene was a little controversial in Johnny fandom, because a lot of people viewed it as Johnny cheating on Sky and thought that that action was out of character for Johnny. I'm personally of a little different opinion, which is that regardless of whether or not you view Johnny and Sky in a committed enough relationship that Johnny's tryst would count as infidelity when all Johnny and Sky are bound by are magic plot soulmate bracelets, I think Lyja's involvement changes things significantly when it comes to Johnny's characterization. All of Johnny's "playboy" periods, if we can call them that, coincide directly with Lyja having been in and then left his life again, which I think makes a certain amount of sense -- it's Johnny trying to wrest control back after a situation where he had none. None of this is explicitly canon, I have to note, but sometimes in comics you have to do the work yourself. So I think this is a case of something being accidentally extremely in character that Slott accidentally stumbled into because he had these love triangles in mind, not because he put a lot of thought into it.

Speaking of love triangles! Johnny sleeping with Victorious gets more complicated when Dr. Doom announces his intent to marry Victorious -- not because he has any romantic interest in her (this engagement caused a lot of uproar in Fantastic Four because Victorious had been previously referred to as being like Doom's adopted daughter) but in order to install her as Latverian regent in his absence. I'm not going to lie, I love a political wedding. Victorious, for some reason, thinks Doom will be deeply upset that she slept with some closeted blond twink and the member of the Fantastic Four he views least as an enemy and more as an annoyance. Johnny, who Sky is currently not talking to because she "felt" him sleeping with Victorious through their magic plot soulmate bracelets, also feels nervous about Doom finding out about this, which I guess is slightly more valid. Anyway, for some completely ridiculous reason, Victorious decides the best time to tell Doom about this little indiscretion is when they're standing at the altar, which coincidentally the Fantastic Four are also standing at, because Doom asked Reed to be his best man in a not at all homoerotic little setup involving midnight swordfighting and Reed slipping Doom's emerald ring onto his own finger. Sorry to sidetrack into DoomReed territory here but it's just like. It's just a lot.

(FF 2018 #33) Also, Ben walked the bride down the aisle. :,) Look at his gigantic hand.

Anyway then Doom decides he's going to kill everyone in a completely reasonable and not at all overblown reaction to Johnny and Zora having what was most likely both disappointing for Zora and weepy for Johnny sex. And that brings us up to where Fantastic Four comics left us yesterday -- in answer to your "big change" question, that's most likely coming up in the next issue, so it hasn't come to pass yet.

Having gotten all that out of the way -- the last time Johnny and Peter interacted canon-wise was in the recent Empyre Fallout Fantastic Four, at the end of the Empyre event:

It was cute! Slott does right good interactions between them. This is possibly the Stockholm Syndrome talking. I don't know if more interactions are likely imminent -- the Empyre event was fairly recent. On the other hand, Slott does like writing interactions between them. So I'd give it about a 50/50 shot. I was skimming the letter page in the latest issue and someone wrote in asking if Peter was likely to appear in the pages of Fantastic Four again any time soon, so there is definitely a demand.

As for Johnny coming out -- I don't know. It's not a call I feel comfortable making at this moment, which I guess means I wouldn't bet money on it. I'd like to say yes, especially because I think Slott set up, whether that was his intention or more likely not, several good places in his run where Johnny could have come out. The beginning, when he's implied to be living with Wyatt again and where he and Wyatt are paralleled against Ben and Alicia. Ben's bachelor party, where Johnny laments not finding the right person -- specifically person and not woman -- and where Ben tells him to "be brave, Johnny Storm." And the soulmate planet plot, where I think could have had a very different and much better ending if Johnny had told Sky that she couldn't be his romantic soulmate, because he knows he wants to be with a man. But those are just places that I think would have made good opportunities for a coming out story. Instead, Johnny's been involved (dubiously) with three different women over the space of the last 10 issues, which is more heterosexuality at one time than he's been confronted with in the last 60 years. So my thoughts are still that it's going to happen eventually, but quite possibly not anytime soon.

Hope that helps! And that my incredibly long answer about what's currently going on with Johnny in comics sheds some light on things!

[onyourzeus]

• in the mood for love | pjh

ykcyj ➝ arskyh

title: in the mood for love pairing: park jaehyung (jae of day6) & you genre: FLUFF words: 2.6k

author’s note: requested by this anon asking for a valentine’s day headcanon for our #1 twitch streamer, jae. i’ve never done headcanons before, so i kind of spun this in both ways: how i think he’d spend a special day with his s/o, and turn it into a fic(ish?) ngl these are fun to do

any requests? check my pinned post if i’m accepting any at the moment, thanks!

jae wouldn’t be the biggest fan of valentine’s day

as in, having one specific day assigned throughout the whole year

for you to hail gifts and love notes and roses and chocolates to the one person you love 

yeah, he’d definitely be the “complaining” type, that is to say

before he met you 

your relationship stands in the middle of being frenemies and actually romantically involved

there is never a day that jae corrects you on some weird unheard of factoid 

(in which case he gets it wrong 95% of the time) 

nor can you get away from his ridiculous antics that just tip you over the edge slightly 

like, putting your favorite snack on the highest shelf he knows you can’t reach 

or bombarding you with memes through texts while he’s in the bathroom

forcing you to play phasmaphobia, promising he won’t lock you in the room with the ghost 

and proceeds to do exactly that plus runs away without you

where’s the team effort in that? 

anyway, that’s basically the gist of your life having him as your boyfriend

so for valentine’s day, you know it would either just be 

a chill day at his apartment, maybe play games that would resort to turning into a fiery competition

or watch the latest release of your favorite animes while he talks over every two minutes about a theory he developed prior 

OR… hmm, well, you’re not really sure

this would be the first valentine’s you’d spend with him; and you’re very much aware for his

lack of fondness for the holiday

the days leading up to it, the only thing you’d hear from him is complaints upon complaints of this capitalistic expenditure that should be abolished

you know he jests, but you feel a little saddened

you spent so much time making a scrapbook for the memories you both shared in the few months you’ve been together

it’s not a lot, you rarely do intricate craftwork like this, but you were feeling sentimental 

there’s polaroids of him streaming on twitch with you sneakily taking the picture from the side

a polaroid of the two of you at your apartment eating take out while drinking a little alc

even a picture of yourself which he took when you were knocked out on the couch, waiting for him to finish band practice

for an added touch, you wrote down cute (or snarky, it depends on how he views it) comments on each polaroid, just to make it more personalized

the nervousness hits you, what if he thinks this is all too much? too clingy? he didn’t ask for this, that’s for sure

but it was made with the labor of love, and it just so happens that the 14th was the day you started dating him… yeah, maybe you can make that as an excuse instead 

usually, the both for you don’t really celebrate ~*~monthsaries~*~ and that’s okay

he’s busy with work and you have other duties to attend to as well— but one special gift shouldn’t be the cause of a problem, right? 

on the day of ~*~love~*~, jae had some meetings at the company bldg. and so you ask if there’s a time during the night you guys can hang out

he doesn’t respond until a few hours later, and the whole time your heart sank deeper and deeper into the pit of your stomach

you just have to accept him for who he is, you sigh, or maybe he’s just caught up with band stuff, which is usually the case— and you’re never not 100% supportive

he texts you that you can come over at his apartment, and for a little your excitement bounces back 

“sorry for the late reply, the boys were here for a lil” he adds, and you’re confused— did that mean they’re still hanging out at his place? oh

you try not to think of it too much, having expectations beyond reality is what breaks a lot of relationships

and you have to remind yourself: jae isn’t like that, and you like jae for jae

you still bring the scrapbook with you, and ought to leave it under his bed or something so he finds a surprise later on (considering the possibility that you’re accompanied by 4 of his best friends during your 6 month anniversary and valentine’s day)

you arrive at his doorstep, anxiety soaring out of your chest for some reason. with the spare key he had entrusted you with, you open the door

it’s dark

way too dark

is this a prank? is he trying to conflate halloween with valentine’s day 

“jae i swear to god if—” 

and the lights turn on, but it’s not his house lights. they’re fairy lights. all strewn across the hall (where did he get that?)

little heart cut outs of different shades of red and pink seem to be taped all over the walls 

you hear soft piano music humming from his speakers in the living room 

but there is no jae in sight

“jae, what…” you’re at a loss for words

he pops out of his bedroom, trying hard not to grin so widely at you

“you called?” he says in the most annoying, teasing voice in which you can’t help but laugh-cry at 

“wait wait wait this wasn’t the reaction i was going for” he says in panic, walking towards you and the sight of him just makes you cry a little harder

he’s wearing a tux inside his own house, and he’s holding a rose that’s bound to be crushed the moment he comes over to hug you

“wait, no the rose,” you say in between sniffles, taking it from his grasp and settling it on the coffee table

jae pauses, looks at you in a daze

you’re pouting, and you want to admire his outfit but also punch his silly face but he’s smiling at you and you’re embarrassed

“are you sad?” he asks a matter of factly, arms still spread open waiting for your approval for him to embrace you

“if you don’t hug me in the next three second i will be—” 

“i would be the worst person to ever exist in the world to do that to you,” he says in your ear, and you soon feel yourself melting into his embrace

he’s so warm

and so tall

and so confusing you kind of just want to poke him where it hurts 

but you indulge in the comfort of his presence

until you realize that you’re wrinkling his precious suit

“ok hol up” you interrupt the adorable moment, and jae seems to look confused 

“wha” 

“what’s all this?” you finally get the courage to ask, dried up tears on your cheeks yet a hopeful spark igniting in your chest 

“well, i uh,” this is ultimate Jae Trying to Find Excuses with Futile Attempts To Do So 101 

“did you really have a meeting today?” no answer

“did the boys help you with all this?” your head turns to look at all the cheesy decorations in the room

still no answer

just jae avoiding your suspicious stare, even whistling comically 

“jae!” your nervousness from a while ago comes out as relief, and bubbling laughter as you playfully shake him for an answer “i thought valentine’s suck and we’re too good for that”

“you’re never too good for anything, well. except for me, you’re too good for me,” he finally lets up, wiping whats left of the moist tears on your face with a soft caress. his voice was soft, too, and it’s a refreshing and wanted feeling to hear him speak to you this way 

“i know i can be a jerk about those kinds of things but… after meeting you, i think you deserve just the best,” he continues, finding your hand and holding onto it tight. “this isn’t even half of it” 

“there’s more?” you quip, already satisfied with the cutesy re-decor of his apartment, but once he leads you to the island counter you see two plates filled with dinner food, and wine glasses ready to be poured with what seems to be red wine on the side

the vase in the middle was empty, and  so you accept the rose that jae had picked up from the table, and carefully place it in its new home

“i’m… impressed. you did this?” you say

“if i said yes would you believe me”

“never,” you reply, knowing that younghyun probably had a little helping hand in here too

“well there you go, you know me better than myself already,” jae winks, and something flutters within you that causes your head to feel so light and just. focus on jae

pulling out the chair, he signals for you sit down with a royal gesture “before you, milady”

you’re laughing now, smiling from ear to ear at how ridiculous jae sounds but at the same time the two of you are having so much fun

you fall back into normal conversations with more banter than regular small talk; it’s so easy to be yourself with him 

you keep admiring the suit he’s wearing, even his hair is slicked back with gel to cast the perfect valentine’s day look. you compliment him in between bites, and then mutter under your breath that you should have worn something just as elegant

“this wasn’t my idea,” he defends, and you’re sure one of the boys dared him to do it

“still, i don’t look the part as your date,” you half-joke, but your tone sounded sadder than you anticipated

“this,” jae says, looking at you and only you. for a moment you can’t find your breath

“you. this is you. and that’s who i love”

you’re smitten. that’s it pack up your bags this is it

“jae maybe ease up on the red wine?”

“shutup youknowyouloveit” 

finally, you finish up the meal and you’re full

of food and love 

he tells you to just chill by the couch as he gets something from his room, and you wonder what else he has up his sleeve

you’re grateful for bringing the polaroid camera with you to commemorate something so rare 

but as you’re trying to take it out of your bag, you see the scrapbook (it’s hard to miss) and pull that out instead

should you give it to him now? or later? 

while you contemplate on this, flipping the pages of the book jae has sprung up behind you

“hey i was looking for that picture of you all sleepy and drooling” 

“JAE WHAT THE HELL”

you jump from surprise, almost flailing the scrapbook in the process as you see jae laughing his ass off from behind

you notice he has his guitar with him now (???)

“did you do this for me?” he sits next to you, setting the guitar on the side as you begrudgingly give him your gift. all of a sudden the unknown fear creeps up again and you hide your face in your hands

you hear him turn the page, a quiet pause, maybe a chuckle or two, and rinse repeat

“are you done????” 

“no give me about ten hours”

“WHAT”

“i’m kidding, dude, this is amazing” 

give it to jae to call you dude while in a relationship with you

but that’s when you know he’s genuine with his words

“i wasn’t expecting anything like this at all. this is so so so good, i love it. a lot,” he keeps complimenting you and it’s so hard to look at him when you’re red in the face and heart beating a mile a minute 

“it’s nothing… i thought it’d feel too much since we haven’t been together long,” you confess, finally giving into seeing what jae looks like

he pout 

he attac you with a flick on the forehead

and a pat on top of your head

“i don’t see it that way,” he says, sincerely. then he brings his guitar on his lap, and prepares his form as if he’s… about to sing something

the music from the speakers was soft enough to not disrupt his singing and guitar skills

you are one if not the biggest fan of jae and his band

and also, of eaJ 

so you are very well aware of every song he’s put out there even winning five times in a self-induced contest as to who knows the lyrics better: the actual band member or the significant other

but what he’s singing for you right now

what those fingers plucking romantic melodies on the guitar strings

you haven’t heard of it before

and yet your heart feels so connected, so in awe of the way jae passionately sings in front of you

the man is shy okay, he’s a genius in his craft but when it comes to doing it in front of you he clamps up like a toddler on his first day alone in school

but right now, you don’t see any of that. you see jae singing words of happiness, admiration, love

for you

and he might not be meeting your eyes right now, it’s okay, cause you’re crying again anyway 

you don’t want him to stop

you close your eyes and feel his words embed themselves in your mind

you want to keep this memory close to you, even if you can’t take a picture 

it’ll ruin how special this moment is, really

it was short, sweet, but you’re not complaining

he finishes with a soft strum, and then finally sees your face in tears again

“i’m a bad boyfriend aren’t i,” he whines and he is met with the forceful (hint: soft) punches on his chest

“you’re literally the best bf ever wtf are u on about” 

face wet, cheeks red, neck feeling warm from the wine

you’re a mess it’s as if you got dumped on valentine’s instead of serenaded by the love of your life

“why do you look like you got broken up on valentine’s instead of being—”

“yes jae i know” 

“did you like it though? it’s unfinished but, i figured i wanted you to be the first to hear it”

“since...well.. it’s a song about you” 

:( he wipes the tears with his thumb, and you steal a quick kiss on his lips 

“i love it, and i love you so much u dork” 

“i take it back you’ll never hear the finished version of this song”

“HEY” 

(spoiler alert: he now keeps bugging you for more supportive comments and suggestions on the song) 

(another spoiler alert: the night ended up the way you guys love spending time together: basking in each other’s company)

only this time, there’s poorly cut out hearts all over the walls 

and there’s jae drunkenly mistaking lyrics of his song for another

and you singing along off-tune

happy valentine’s you two :)

[worldspinsmadly]

OKAY! This is going to be an extreeeemely long post with my various WandaVision theories! SPOILERS ahead for episodes 1-5, so tread carefully if you haven’t seen them yet! Also, buckle in for a lot of reading haha...

- Agnes is Agatha Harkness

This theory is pretty widely accepted but in case you haven’t heard it yet/need a reminder of what the theory is: Agatha Harkness is a witch in the comic books. She is an agent of Mephisto (basically the devil in the MCU, a sorcerer who is super powerful & does trades/grants wishes but in a monkey’s paw kind of way) and also acts as Wanda’s mentor when she is training. She is there to help Wanda realize her full potential. Reasons for this theory being accepted are:

1. Agnes = AGatha HarkNESs

Pretty self explanatory, this one.

2. One piece of evidence everyone likes to point to is that Agnes is ALWAYS wearing a brooch, much like Agatha. 

In a similar vein, Agnes dresses up like a witch in the Halloween episode (which we get tonight!!). The third comic-y reason is that she says her anniversary with Ralph (whom we NEVER see) is June 2nd, which is the start of the Salem Witch Trials. Agatha Harkness was one of the witches at Salem.

3. She (especially in episode 5) keeps showing up at the exact right time to help Wanda however she needs it. Examples include her showing up to welcome Wanda to the neighborhood and plan the dinner with Vision, bringing her along to the neighborhood planning committee, helping Wanda with the boys (showing up when they’re crying, the doghouse). She is always there, basically acting as a guide for Wanda in the town.

3. She knows that this is a fake world and that Wanda has some control over what happens. This is most clearly evidenced in episode 5 when she says “Do you want me to run that again?” She also doesn’t notice/care that Wanda has magic, which anyone else in the town would. Also - anyone else notice how she overacts constantly? (In a good way - I love Kathryn Hahn)

Which brings me to theory two:

Agnes/Agatha Harkness is the one in control, not Wanda - or at the very least, is using her power to try to influence Wanda’s actions.

1. Agatha is an agent of Mephisto. I think that she is acting on his orders to make this town and Wanda’s life in it the way that it is. Multiple reasons for this, but the main one for me is episode 5 (On A Very Special Episode), she clearly has control over/intimate knowledge of what’s happening inside the WandaVis household. How else would she know to show up when the twins are crying, or when they bring in a new dog? Other sketch things:

2. The boys only ever age up (or attempt to age up) when Agnes is there. I think that she is the one who is making them do that. If she can control every single person in town’s actions and speech, who’s to say she can’t control and manipulate the magic twins’ powers as well?

3. She clearly* killed Sparky, likely in order to try to help Wanda realize how powerful she really is and bring in the idea that she can bring people back to life. It may even be possible that Agnes wants to bring back a specific person but can’t without Wanda’s powers. *To me, it’s clear, because when she walked into the kitchen, Sparky almost killed himself with the electricity but didn’t, and then of course she “found him” in her azaleas.

4. Norm never specifies who “she” is that’s in his head.

MOVING ON TO THEORY THREE:

SWORD and (Acting) Director Hayward are sketchy as fuck, and likely are doing some evil shit and trying to pin it on Wanda.

I don’t mean this to say that SWORD is the organization that put the town in the hex, or is the one that is controlling everything that's happening, but I think it's very clear that there's something going on behind the scenes that they don't want us to know. There are lots of different ways that you can see this, but some of the ones that are most important are as follows:

1. SWORD is clearly developing weapons which Monica highlights when she says, “it also says observation and response on that door not creation.” This is apparently against the mission of SWORD itself, which does not lead to a super trustworthy organization.

2. Director Hayward is clearly trying to place blame on Wanda for things she either didn’t do or didn’t control. The clearest example of this is when he is giving his speech in Episode 5 after Monica comes back, and Jimmy Woo was speaking. Hayward keeps interrupting to explain how Wanda is evil - she joined Hydra (as Jimmy says, it’s more complicated than that), she purposefully hurt people in Lagos (it was an accident), she fought against the Avengers (before gaining their trust and joining them). (Also, side note, I love Jimmy Woo and how kind he is. We need more Jimmy Woo in the MCU). 

3. The video that he shares of Wanda breaking into SWORD...not a single. person. in the SWORD lobby turns, notices, or reacts at all to Wanda walking in, violently throwing open doors, and basically stealing a corpse. I don’t know about you, but if I worked in a secure and secretive government facility, and a rogue Avenger that’s been gone for 5 years just suddenly appeared and was using her powers to break down doors and steal a secret project, I’d probably at LEAST turn and look. 

3a. I’m honestly not even sure that that’s Wanda vs. a body double, like, there’s a reason that the only power they showed was her opening a door, breaking glass, and gently coming down into the room - all things that can be easily faked. You’re telling me that SWORD, in all their advanced tech, space travel, science, money, you’re telling me that the best visuals they have are 1. barely in color 2. blurry and 3. don’t show close-ups of her face? I think that it wasn’t Wanda who took Vision’s body, and I think the footage was fabricated. 

4. CLEARLY - SWORD has been experimenting on Vision. Whether to revive him, recreate his technology, whatever, it is explicitly stated that that is against his living will and the Sokovia Accords. IF (and I think it’s a big if...) Wanda did violently break in to steal his body, it would likely be to protect him and make sure he is being honored, not make him into a weapon. 

NEXT THEORY!

VISION IS ALIVE - and no, Wanda is not just puppeteering his corpse (this is one of the worst theories I’ve heard about WandaVision and I hate it and if I never hear it again it’ll be too soon)

1. I have several reasons to think this. First, if he weren’t alive, why would we have so many scenes of just Vision, or scenes where Vision is figuring out that something is wrong?

2. In the trailers, we see Vision leaving the boundaries of the hex (to be fair, I haven’t watched any of the new trailers, because I don’t want any spoilers) - BUT - how could he do that if he weren’t his own being?

3. I genuinely do not think that Marvel is going to make us watch Vision die again. Not a third time.

How is he alive? I think that there’s obviously an extreme amount of Mind Stone energy within Wanda, and I’m sure that there’s a world in which she could transfer some of that energy to Vision and help bring him back. Not entirely sure of the methodology to be fair, but I just have a feeling in my heart.

OKAY ON TO RANDOM THEORIES THAT I BELIEVE BUT HAVE NO EVIDENCE FOR:

1. Monica came out of the Hex with powers - my only reasoning being that her brain scan and her blood draws were both inconclusive/blank.

2. Wanda isn’t lying when she says she doesn’t know how this started or what’s happening. I think she has more control than most people in town, but I think that’s more that she is a little tuned in to the frequencies of the town than that she started it all. But I really think that Agnes is in control.

3. OH PIETRO - He’s the Evan Peters Quicksilver instead of ATJ (rip) because Agnes had to search through the multiverse for him - she can’t bring people back to life (Wanda can though...ATJ i’m holding out hope...). So anyway, she just searched through the universes and found the closest thing to Pietro that she could.

4. Aerospace engineer that Monica knows might be Reed Richards aka Mr. Fantastic. (The Fantastic 4 and the X-Men have a long history with Agatha Harkness, so it would make sense to bring those characters in now that Disney is able to)

5. Dottie is also a witch - she’s not identified on the magnet board with the other townspeople, she’s in control of some things.

6. Hayward might be Mephisto in disguise, who knows.

7. Magneto is going to come back at the end of the series i have no real reason to believe this

8. I don’t trust the post man.

OKAY THAT’S ALL I have to go back to work and this is way too long please send me all your theories :)

[torchwoodfanfests]

Torchwood Bingo 2020 Masterpost

The masterpost is here - browse through every work submitted to the 2020 Torchwood Bingo Fest! You can also find most of the fanfiction in our AO3 Collection. Thank you to everyone who took part in out first ever fest. Your response blew us away; we had a total of 172 fanworks from 32 wonderful participants. Hope you all had a good time, and congratulations to everyone who got bingo!

If one of your works should be on this post but isn’t, please let us know and we’ll add it ASAP.

@shejustcalledmeafish

FANFICTION

To Love a Harkness

Coffee/Coffee Shop

Let’s Do the Time Warp Again

Time Loop, Black and White, Friendship, Secrets

Wrong Face, Wrong Time

Twelve/Frobisher confusion

Kiss, Bang

Bullet wounds

A Soul in Twain

Andy Davidson, Lois Habiba

Just the Messenger

Time Travel, Tarot Girl

Golden Days

Gold

Out of Order

Torchwood One, Prequel/Set Before Canon

Kiss of a Viper

Dancing, Betrayal

I’ve Got a Fascination (With Your Presentation)

Grooming/Bathing, Genderbend

World and Enough Time (Stories From the Loop)

Accidental Marriage, Cold/Warm, Bed Sharing, Plants/Vegetables

Commissioned

Human Monsters

Technician, Free Thyself

Timelord AU

Never Has He Ever

The Hub Goes On Lockdown

@princess-of-the-worlds

FANFICTION

Moments in Grayscale (and Eternity in Colour)

Anniversary, Cultural Differences, Immortality, Gifts, Water, Boeshane

i would’ve followed all the way, no matter how far

Psychic Power/Telepathy, Benign Alien Visitors, Canon-Compliant

silver lining

Fake Dating/Fake Marriage

found you made us in a star

Friendship

sing me like a choir

Kink/Sex Talk/Innuendo

the world is at my feet (i am standing on the ceiling)

Secrets, Torchwood One, Under the Influence (Alcohol, Drugs, Alien Pheromones, etc)

perfect premiere

Red, Pink

@torchwoodbutmostlyowen​

POETRY

Photographs filled with Lense Flares

Rhys POV

@toshsato

FANFICTION

I Don’t Even Know What I’m Doing Tonight

Rarepair

the night-time is the hardest

Bisexuality, Friendship, Healing

I ain’t letting go

Music, Benign Alien Visitors, Dancing, Werewolves and/or Vampires

GIFSETS

Martha Jones

The Resurrection Gauntlet

Backstory, Camping

@iianto-jones

FANFICTION

On Family

Bullet Wounds, Domesticity, Immortality

Our Worlds Move On

Friendship

How Much of It You’ve Got Left

Interspecies Romance

@dinodina

FANFICTION

In Which Ianto May or May Not Be Fully Human

Domesticity, Meet the Family, Canon Character is an Alien AU, Interspecies Romance, Betrayal, Cold/Warm, CoE Fix-It, Mission-Related Trip, Myfanwy

Rosy-Fingered Dawn Flipped the Page of Life

Healing, Flat Holm, DW Companion, Crossover, Rarepair, Under the Influence, Amnesia, The Year That Never Was, Original Character

@aellesiym

ART

Canon Character is an Alien AU

Mary, Canon Divergent AU

Domesticity, Based on a Song of Your Choice

Werewolves and/or Vampires

@cxptained + @agent-harkness

FANFICTION

Burn Me

Immortality

Inside My Mind (Trying To Get Things Right)

Disability

@ultraviolet-eucatastrophe

FANFICTION

You’re gonna heal over (someday)

Doctor’s Orders, Hurt/Comfort, DW Companion Cameo

Take it on trust

UNIT

All some children do is work

Kids

By the green you shall know us

Con-man/Grifter, Green

Keep holding on

Team Bonding

Half-lives

Past Canonical Character Death

A place to start from

Torchwood One

But the blues are still blue

Big Finish Audio or TW Novel Tag/AU, Food, Curtain Fic/Ordinary Everyday Situations and Chores

@agent-sato

FANFICTION

I Know Not Everybody (Has A Body Like You)

Genderbend, Team Bonding, Hurt/Comfort, John Hart, Pining

Off The Grid

Harriet Jones/Mickey Smith

Imposters Among Us

Rhys POV, Human Monsters, Doctor’s Orders, Canon Character is an Alien AU, Under the Influence

@moonlightrhosyn

FANFICTION

For I Chose the World’s Sad Roses

Plants/Vegetables, Therapy

An Exile on Lemnos’ City Streets

Mary

My Favourite Kind of Rain

Gold

The Cordiality of Death, with his Metallic Grin

Canon Character is an Alien AU

@currently-very-asleep

FANFICTION

Ianto’s Funeral

Meet the Family, Dead

@captainawesome242

FANFICTION

It’s the Taking Part That Counts (but the winning is great too!)

Water, Fake Dating

If You Should Fall Upon Hard Times, If You Should Lose Your Way

Mental Health

Who Wants to Live Forever

Immortality

You’re the Better Half of Me (you’re the only half I need)  

Mickey Smith, The Year That Never Was, Weddings, Family

Meet the Family

Public Displays of Affection, Kids, Confessions

@golyadkin

ART

Dancing

Meet the Family

Werewolves and/or Vampires

FANFICTION

What Comes Next

CoE Fix-It AU

@amlaich

ART

Harriet Jones/Mickey Smith

Under the influence

Martha Jones, AU/Canon Divergence

Immortality

@thirteeninafez

FANFICTION

Lost in Translation

Handcuffs

Porcelain Penguins and Other Such Knick-Knacks

Canon Character is an Alien AU

@asarahworld-writes

FANFICTION

hen night

Under the Influence

Gafr Siafft

Kids

@searching-for-arcadia

ART

Genderbend, Dancing

first, you must be buried (to understand light)

Canon Divergent AU, Mission-Related Trip, Exercise

Plants/Vegetables

Bullet Wounds

Ianto’s Criminal Past

The Hub Goes on Lockdown

@horselover107

FANFICTION

Team Tardis

Secrets

Date Night

The Child

Kids, Alternate Universe

Missing

Missing, Nosy Coworkers, Friendship, Future!Fic

Sibling Rivalry

Family

PLAYLISTS

Broken

Mental Health

Coffee: A Janto Mix

Coffee/Coffee Shop

@chandelle13

FANFICTION

Resurrection of the lost

Torchwood 4

Some secrets

Team Tardis, Family and Domesticity

With some help

Character Do-Over, DW Companion Cameo, Canon Divergent AU

Surprise!

Pets, Big Finish Audio or TW Novel Tag/AU

Once a year

Friendship, Curtain Fic, Blue, Comfort

Expect the unexpected

Anniversary, Doctor’s Orders, Date Night, Hurt/Comfort, Boeshane, Missing, Prequel/Before Canon

Things change

Bilis Manger, Canon Divergent AU

Annoyance

Gwen has some of Gwyneth’s powers

Unexpected Events

Pink, Fake dating/Fake Marriage, Undercover/Disguise

@my-random-fandoms

FANFICTION

The Animals Always Know

Pets

The Devil and the Time Traveler

Rarepair

EDITS

Weevils

@mathemagician7

FANFICTION

Returning to Torchwood

Old Friends, Big Finish Audio Tag

Physical Therapy

Therapy

Haunted By You

The Ghost Machine

To The Letter

Clothes, Gifts

ART

Almost Perfect

Genderbend

Mary

@itneveroccurredtomeatall

FANFICTION

Undercover On The Bachelorette

Undercover/Disguise

Black and White

Black and White

Missing

Sabbatical

Future!Fic

Pollen

Sex Pollen

@garknessandbones

COMICS

Domesticity, Secrets

Dreams, Music

@celstese​

PLAYLISTS

Heartache and Pain Tracklist

Diary, Betrayal, Friendship

A Different Doctor (Time Lord Owen AU Tracklist)

Music, Timelord AU, Prequel/Set Before Canon, The Year That Never Was

FANFICTION

Congratulations its a doctor!

Character(s) of Your Choice is/are Trans

Gwen and Rhys garden

Plants/Vegetables, Domesticity

Gwen Cooper gets her groove back

De-Aging/Aging Up, Date Night, Old Friends/Chance Meetings

ART

Clothes/Outfit

Fantasy, Undercover/Disguise

Grooming/Bathing

Bisexuality

@agent-jones​

EDITS

Holiday Celebration

Domesticity

Family

Martha Jones/DW Companion Cameo

Rhys POV

Exposed (NSFW)

Human Monsters/Suzie Costello

Amnesia

Old Friends

Stars

Camping

Torchwood One

@i-really-should-be-writing​

FANFICTION

Surrender my everything

Immortality, Based on a Song of Your Choice

Always With You

Psychic Powers/Telepathy

Lights in the Darkness

Hurt/Comfort, Family

@toshsatos

FANFICTION

poenitentia

Alternate Realities, Interspecies Romance

shining, she was, like moonlight

Anwen, CoE Fix-It AU

roughneck

Undercover/Disguise, Benign Alien Visitors

ART

Timelord AU

Crossover of Your Choice

@samantharyderthelionqueen

FANFICTION

Barbecue

Cooking, Interspecies Relationship

On Romance

Big Finish Audio or TW Novel Tag/AU

Sam’s Vision

Future!Fic, Psychic Powers/Telepathy

Serves You Right

Bullet Wounds

Skeleton-Knapper

Kidnapping

Slow Tango in Saint Lucia

Dancing

The Perfect Present(s)

Gifts

We Catch Aliens

Crossover of your Choice

What Families Do

Authority

ART

“Aunt Mei! Mama and Daddy are being gross again!”

Public Displays of Affection

Lust Flower

Sex Pollen

Myfanwy is Trans!

Myfanwy

“This Time I Won’t Let Go…”

Boeshane, Episode Tag/Missing Scene

Torchwood Said Nonbinary Rights!

Genderbend

Torchwood vs UNIT

UNIT

MOODBOARDS

“FRIENDS” moodboard

Friendship, Based on a Song of Your Choice

Janto blue moodboard

Blue

Towen black & white moodboard

Black and White

@this-is-quite-homoerotic

FANFICTION

Joke’s On Me

Anger

I’m holding tight cause it feels alright, my love, when I’m with you

Cold/Warm, Vegetables

Don’t You Know You’ve Haunted Me For Years:

Gwen has some of Gwyneth’s powers, Gifts, Bisexuality

You Got Me On Edge (Any Minute I Might Jump):

Exercise, Rarepair, Cultural Differences

EDITS AND MOODBOARDS

Blue, Gold

Black and White, Gold

Prequel/Set Before Canon

Clothes/Outfit

EDIT AND PLAYLIST

The Bad Old Days

Music

@hotchocolatedictator​

FANFICTION

Little Green Men From Mars

Green

@violetmessages

FANFICTION

Sustenance

Plants/Vegetables

Clairvoyancy

Canon Character is an Alien AU, The Doctor Meets the Team

Tales from the Filing Cabinet

Mission Related Trip, Flat Holm

the hands on the clock keep ticking

De-Ageing/Ageing Up

[thatlastdanceofchances]

Torchwood fandom survey results - part 3

Third and final part of the results! This time: Torchwood beyond the TV series. This means the books, the audio dramas, the fanfics, etc.

All the graphs and data are under a cut.

Disclaimer: This is a survey promoted almost exclusively on tumblr and the results are therefore necessarily biased by the demographics of tumblr users.

All the data presented below is on 155 participants.

Let’s start with the Torchwood extended universe and its different forms and ranges. For each range of the Torchwood extended universe, have you read/listened to it?

Four types of Torchwood stories are quite ahead of the others:

the BBC books, which ran concurrently to the TV series

the BBC audio dramas: the seven audio dramas released by the BBC concurrently to the TV series

the Big Finish monthly range: monthly audio dramas that started in 2015

the Big Finish single special releases, which so far include The Torchwood Archive, Outbreak and Believe.

It makes sense for the BBC stuff. It’s been around for a while and can be found for free (sometimes legally, sometimes not) online.

The monthly range is also quite easy to understand. They are cheaper than other releases and, if you want to focus one type of story or one particular character or the story all of fandom is talking about *coughs*Broken*coughs*, you can buy just the relevant stories.

Now the single special releases, I kind of wish I had separated the three because I wonder how the two are represented in the 46% that didn’t listen to at least one of those. I could make good cases for all three (and I’m gonna).

Believe is the first audio drama with the five original team members (kind of, sorry Suzie) so there was a lot of hype before release date. However, it got mixed reviews (at least in my corner of tumblr) and is quite expensive.

Outbreak has the same price and is post series 2. However, it is simply the best Big Finish story ever. Yes, it’s a fact. No, I’m not biased and I won’t take any criticism. :-D

The Torchwood Archive is cheaper and was an anniversary release. However, it is somewhat of an isolated story more focused on the history of the Torchwood Institute than on the characters.

¯\(ツ)/¯ I guess I’ll have to do another survey about these at one point.

At the other end of the scale, quite behind the others, are two Big Finish audio drama ranges:

The story continues: the official series 5 and 6 of Torchwood (Aliens Among Us and God Among Us)

The Sins of Captain John: a recent John Hart range.

That was to be expected. For The story continues, as we’ve seen with Miracle Day’s audience in the previous results, a lot of people were not keen on what happens to Torchwood after Children of Earth. On top of that, these are box-sets so more expensive.

As for The Sins of Captain John, again it’s a box-set so more expensive and it’s not focused on one of the “main characters” (sorry John).

On the ranges that fall in between these two extremes, I’d like to mention The Lives of Captain Jack. I thought it would do better as it’s about Jack and some of the stories focus on important milestones in his life (for example his falling out with the Time Agency or what happened after his first resurrection). I don’t know if it’s a price issue or the fact that people are more interested in stories within the Torchwood era than things in the distant past or future. If you haven’t listened to it and don’t intend to, I’d be curious to know as to why.

Now that we have the audience numbers, let’s see what the audience thought. The results only include the people who were familiar with the stories so they are on fewer than the usual 155 participants.

For each range of the Torchwood extended universe, would you recommend it to fellow fans?

Trailing far behind is the Torchwood Magazine stuff: the short stories and the comics. It makes sense to me: they’re not very consequential in terms of plot or character work and vary wildly in quality.

It is interesting that the two graphs (audience and review) kind of match in terms of variation between ranges. It confirms what I’ve observed in fandom. Word of mouth plays a big role in how people choose which stories to buy.

It is also interesting to see where they differ a bit. For example, Torchwood One, The Lives of Captain Jack and The Sins of Captain John, which have an average to low audience (far less listened to than the monthly range), get lots of love (almost as much “All of it” as the monthly range). If word of mouth is as crucial as it seems from the rest of the results, I wonder if it is an issue with interest or with price.

Okay, once again, this is getting long, let’s go over the fandom stuff quickly.

Which social media platforms/fandom spaces do you use to participate in Torchwood fan activities?

Tumblr and AO3 dominate that poll…then again, it’s a poll promoted on Tumblr so… I’m not on twitter but I do wonder if there is sizeable Torchwood fandom group there that just missed the poll. Mainly because I know some people in other fandoms who switched to twitter after the Tumblr ban a few years ago.

No other fandom space received more than one mention in the open field of the form.

Then, Which social media platforms/fandom spaces do you use to participate in Torchwood fan activities?

The big four are social media (including meta/analysis/headcanons), fanarts, fanfics and edits. I’m surprised cosplay is not higher but ¯\(ツ)/¯.

Finally, an open question: What other fandoms would you consider yourself part of?

There were 98 responses and 136 different fandoms cited. Here are the ones that got more than 10 mentions:

Marvel-related fandoms (26)

Harry Potter (24)

Star Trek (15)

Good Omens (15)

Merlin (13)

Tolkien-related fandoms (13)

BBC Sherlock (13)

Supernatural (11).

These are all big fandoms, with a bit of a bias towards the big British fandoms.

Once again, thank you to all who participated. It was fun and interesting! At least, to me. ;-)

[sagehaleyofficial]

HERE’S WHAT YOU MISSED THIS WEEK (2.19-2.25.20):

NEW MUSIC:

·         Frank Iero and the Future Violents released a new video for their song “Basement Eyes.” Almost a year after the release of their long-awaited album Barriers, Iero took to social media to tease the arrival of the video on February 17th.

·         The 1975 shared a new song and video for “The Birthday Party,” the fifth new track from their upcoming album Notes on a Conditional Form. Recently, the band also seemed to be behind a new website known as mindshower.ai.

·         All Time Low dropped their second single and video from their upcoming album Wake Up, Sunshine, titled “Sleeping In.” The band partnered with North Shore Animal League America (NSALA) to help raise money and awareness for no kill rescue and adoption organizations.

·         Ozzy Osbourne and Post Malone dropped their second collaboration from Osbourne’s album Ordinary Man, titled “It’s a Raid.” Fans first learned about the second collab earlier this month when the tracklist for the album was revealed.

·         5 Seconds of Summer dropped a new single, “Old Me,” off their upcoming LP C A L M. Earlier this month, the band dropped “No Shame” and announced the release date for their upcoming record.

·         Dance Gavin Dance announced the release of their ninth full-length studio album titled Afterburner. The band also celebrated by dropping the first single and video titled “Prisoner.”

·         Knuckle Puck dropped an energetic new track, “Tune You Out,” which is also their first release in nearly two years. According to Kerrang!, the band recently finished recording their third full-length album.

·         Ashley Purdy recently dropped a third solo track following his departure from Black Veil Brides in November. The song is titled “King for a Day,” which serves as the full track from a teaser Purdy posted back in December.

·         Fall Out Boy musicians Patrick Stump and Joe Trohman and Dethklok mastermind Brendon Small partnered up on the song “New Music Sucks.” The track comes off of Posehn’s comedy metal record Grandpa Metal.

·         Craig Owens of D.R.U.G.S., among many other dissolved acts, made a brief anniversary post for the band’s sole self-titled record. This follows an Instagram account for the band that was made and a VK page that leaked info about a potential single release date. 

TOUR ANNOUNCEMENTS:

·         Foo Fighters announced a 25th Anniversary “Van Tour,” which will visit 10 different cities. The tour is special because they plan to revisit some stops they hit on their 1995 tour to promote their debut album.

·         The Glasgow, Scotland, date of Palaye Royale’s The Bastards European Tour at the Garage was canceled, with the band later performing a free acoustic show near the venue. Days later, the band announced their show in Birmingham, England, was also canceled.

·         Movements announced a spring tour, which will commence on April 23rd in San Diego and conclude on May 17th in El Paso, Texas. They will be joined by fellow hardcore groups Teenage Wrist and Queen of Jeans. 

·         After rescheduling some of their tour dates back in January for the second leg of their winter tour, Angels & Airwaves announced new dates for those shows, as well as some extra shows. They will take place around a handful of festival dates, including Bunbury Festival. 

·         In celebration of their 10-year anniversary tour for the record To Plant a Seed in a few weeks, We Came As Romans revealed exclusive tour merch designs. The band took to Twitter to reveal three exclusive t-shirt designs designed by bassist Andy Glass.

·         Dropkick Murphys and Rancid announced that they are teaming up for a spring tour, the Boston to Berkeley II Tour. The tour begins May 3rd in Concord, North Carolina, and ends May 24th in Lewiston, New York.

·         Vans Warped Tour founder Kevin Lyman took to social media to ask fans for their input on a potential Warped Rewind at Sea sequel. The tour searched for suggestions on what other kind of entertainment and activities would make the trip better. 

·         Alesana announced a 10-city tour to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their release, The Emptiness. The tour commences on April 24th in North Carolina before ending on May 3th in Austin, Texas.

·         Armor for Sleep confirmed reunion theories with the announcement of a 15-year anniversary tour for their sophomore album What to Do When You Are Dead. The band broke up initially back in 2009.

OTHER NEWS:

·        Bring Me the Horizon dressed up as famous pop girl group The Spice Girls at the BRIT Awards on February 18th. The band all wore the personas of Scary, Posh, Baby, Sporty and Ginger Spice from their iconic performance at the 1997 BRIT Awards.

·         The Umbrella Academy teased viewers with a first look at the upcoming season, dropping the first set of posters for the second season of the series. The series is based on My Chemical Romance frontman Gerard Way‘s comic book of the same name.

·         The 320 Project started by Warped Tour founder Kevin Lyman and 320 Changes Direction founder Talinda Bennington, who was married to the late Chester Bennington of Linkin Park, was announced. The event will take place at the USC Bovard Auditorium.

·         The late Lil Peep’s estate partnered with luxury streetwear brand, Rose in Good Faith, to release a collaborative merch line. The line is dedicated to the memory of Gus, his music and his desire to help the world.

·         Twenty One Pilots’ Tyler Joseph and wife Jenna Black shared a short video announcing the birth of their daughter Rosie Robert Joseph, who arrived February 9th. She also mentions the reasoning behind the middle name choice was to match Tyler’s.

·         According to social media posts, YUNGBLUD and Travis Barker of Blink-182 seem to have pranked Machine Gun Kelly on MTV‘s Punk’d. Over this past weekend, Barker posted to his Instagram story a photo with a sign saying “you got PUNK’D.”

·         Vans is giving their iconic checkerboard shoe a psychedelic makeover with its new line, featuring a tie-dye color scheme. The design will be overlaid atop their ComfyCush Era and Old Skool models.

___

Check in next Tuesday for more “Posi Talk with Sage Haley,” only at @sagehaleyofficial!

[wind-boys]

First Anniversary!

(Warning: Long Post.)

Today exactly a year ago, a very hesitant band geek who’s also interested in Japanese games and anime decided to make their first post on a translations blog for a yet-to-be-released game Wind Boys!, seeing that no one else’d made such a move yet.

Fast forward a year, and although the game hasn’t been released yet, we’ve got so much more people interested in Wind Boys!, whether they’ve learnt about the game from this blog or not. I hear there’re even other people who’re starting translations and wikis for the game as well, which is absolutely great! It goes to show how far Wind Boys! has come despite still being at the starting line. But I digress.

Whether you’re a fan of Japanese games/anime/seiyuu who came here for those reasons, a band geek who chanced upon the wind comics and decided to stay for the ride, or even someone who’s a bit of both like me... To each and every one of my followers (yes, all 105 of you!), thank you so much. Your likes, reblogs, asks, and messages to me really motivated me to stick through with this. 

There were so many times I almost wanted to give up: when I was stressed with school, lacking confidence in my translations, discovering that others were translating content as well so why should I, etc., but I’m so glad I followed through. I’m really having fun with this, and I hope all of you are enjoying it, too. 

So thank you all once again, and it would be great if we could continue enjoying Wind Boys! content together, and look forward to its release. Don’t forget to pre-register via Twitter, DMM Games, LINE, or email address if you haven’t already!

(Finally, for the very observant, no, it’s not a coincidence that today also happens to be Izumitani Mashu’s birthday, and that he’s also the character in the blog’s profile pic for now! As a fellow timpanist, Mod deliberately chose his birthday to begin this blog... For no other reason than to count anniversaries easier. Whoops.)

[dat2ndaccount97]

What’s Left on my Doll Wishlist (as of 12-12-19)

 As I was waiting for the game awards I started thinking about dolls I wanted, I thought about making this post, now 4 hours later after that Depressingly Awful Game Awards Here’s what’s left on My doll Wish list, a list of specific Dolls I want, some of which are holy grail dolls. Over this 10 years of being into dolls and almost 7 years of collecting, I Built up this ever growing list and started getting some of the ones I really wanted Like My Holy Grail Silver Label Supergirl Barbie, My TNT Barbies, My Disney Store Ariel doll, and others. But There’s still plenty on the list, and here’s what’s lefy (In Mostly no particular order):

- Those Mid 00′s Marvel Barbies. Always Kinda wanted these for the longest time as a Guy who’s really into comics and really into dolls. Also Funny Story I almost Went as Reed Richards for halloween in like 7th grade because I thought that would’ve been an easy way to get that invisible woman doll but passed because I figured it probably wouldn’t work. 

- The Toy Biz Spider-man Collectors Series Mary Jane Doll: Another Marvel Doll, and another red head. Basically in the mid 90s Toy Biz made a bunch of “12 Inch collector Figures” of Various Marvel characters from some of their marvel lines, They made Wolverine, Storm (who I do want for her clothes), and Rogue From the X-Men, Ghost Rider Spider-Man, Spectacular Spider-man/Scarlet Spider, and Mary Jane From Spider-Man, with Reg. Spider-Man and MJ being based off the Animated Series. The Female characters were just Off Brand barbies, but have a weird charm to them, plus i’m diggin’ MJ’s Not barbie face.

- Bath Time Fun Ariel: One of My Holy Grail Dolls. She’s V E R Y Impossible to find Rare. I absolutely love Her Insanely Long Red Hair.

- This Curvy Barbie with Dark Purple Hair, Really like this face combined with her cool Dark Purple Hair

- Pepsi Spirit Barbie: Love her crimped hair and how much of an unapologetic Pepsi Shill she is.

- Pizza Party Skipper: Love this Face, Love Pizza, and I Like Pizza hut for the most part, as far as the big chains go they’re pretty good, and I usually dig the weirder pizzas they come out with.

- The Superman Returns Superman and Lois Lane Barbies: Have a strong nostalgia Spot for this movie (not that bad honestly, and Routh Killed it recently on crisis) and I really like hoe these dolls Look.

- The other 3 2008 DC Comics I don’t Have (Especially Batgirl). While the 2008 Silver Label Supergirl was always the #1 Holy grail doll for Years I also really wanted batgirl and later on the other 2, as both a comics fan and as a Doll guy. I love how these look! (save for Batgirl’s Cowl and the painted glove hands)

- Holiday Angel Barbie: Not quite a holy grail doll but she is a little rare. Saw her a my local thrift store on day some years ago, Immediately loved her, not knowing who she was, and was about maybe $10, but I didn’t get her (Don’t remember if it was lack of funds in that moment or deciding weather or not to spend $10 on a thrift doll). Later that week I think I came back she was gone and I super regret not getting her and/or not coming back sooner.

- Feelin' Groovy Barbie: Love the outfit, Love the Steffie Face Mold with the Jet black hair with the bangs. Big Big Love her and super want her!

- 25th Anniversary Totally Hair Barbie:  Really like how we finally got a repro 90s barbie, really liked this repro turned out, really like the Long Crimped hair of TH barbie, and would probably look greta on a MTM Body

Those X-men Barbies from this year: Same reasons as the previous Comic Barbies I mentioned, They Look great but the painted glove hands and not being articulated as a MTM doll kinda kills it a little for me. Hopefully they go down in price or on sale Some point.

- This KOTOBUKIYA ACTIVE STYLING Doll/Figure of Athena from The King of Fighters: I don’t talk about it here but I’m super into Fighting Games, and am always happy to find out some of those characters I like have dolls of them even if they’re kinda rare japan only dolls.. King of Fighters is a great game series with a great Cast of characters, and one of those characters I main is Athena. She doesn’t have rooted hair but I still really like How she Looks and how articulated she is/looks

The KOTOBUKIYA ACTIVE STYLING  Doll/Figure of Yuri From King of Fighters: Same reasons as athena, though I really don’t main her outside of KOF 14 and maybe Capcom vs SNK 2.

- the Takara Real Bout Fatal Fury Mai Shiranui doll: One more SNK Doll. Love Mai and love how this doll looks. It looks pretty accurate to her design and has a certain 90s charm to it.

- The Blonde and Brunette Earring Magic Barbies and (Another) Earring Magic Midge. Adore 90s barbies so much, love how these dolls look overall, the always classic superstar facesculpt, the crimped hair, and I really dig these outfits. I did get EM midge recently But I do wanna get a new one New in box, and I wanna get the other 2 new in box (I take my dolls out of the box But I still want them new lol)

- a Dollikin/Action Girl Doll: Really like her face, her cute hair, and her surprising amount of articulation for a doll her age, she’s from the early 70s I think.

Lastly here’s the The Rest of My Holy Grail Dolls The One’s I R E A L L Y want:

- Jewel Hair Midge: I Love Red heads, Love 90s barbies, and I  Really love 90s midge. I know the hair on the JHM dolls becomes a problem almost immediately out of the box but I Just love the 90s midge face sculpt with her insanely long red hair and the blue outfit she has.

- The Super Excellent Series Vampire Savior Morrigan Doll from Marmit: Morrigan’s a character who i’ve always mained and has been on the waifu list forever, and always really really wanted a doll of her. I even tried giving my dolls bangs and coloring their hair green with marker back when I was a dumb teenager. It never turned out well. This is the closest I’ma Get to the Morrigan Fashion doll I always wanted. There is another japan only morrigan doll, but she Looks Bad.

- 2009 Barbie Fashionistas Glam. The other Original Holy Grail Doll I wanted since Day 1 next to supergirl. Love her outfit, her hair, and always get nostalgic for that late 00′s/early 2010′s Barbie Face.

Last but not least

- Red Head/Titan Hair Twist N Turn Barbie: Next to 80s/90s barbies and late 00′s/early 10′s barbies TNT Dolls are my ABSOLUTE Favorites. I have 2 Vintage TNT Dolls and a Repro Hair Fair Doll. I also REALLY like Red Heads and Love the Red Head/ Titan Hair TNT barbie. The red Hair Just Looks so Good with this face!!

And I think That’s all of them For now.

[m39]

Homestuck 11th anniversary/413 AKA Why I have more tolerance towards the Epilogues

WARNING!

THIS TEXT IS OVER 1.5 THOUSAND OF WORDS LONG!

Enjoy.

EH MAH GERD! E EASTIT MOON BUCKETS!

Wait…

EH MAH GERD!!! E HAMSTEAK BORTH TOOT!!!

And only on this time of year, when we have two holidays, we can talk about the thing that everyone in the Homestuck fandom loves: The Epilogues! :D

Everyone is pointing a gun at you.

OH FUCK!!

You duck behind your desk while everyone else is shooting.

JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST!!! CALM YOUR ASSES DOWN!!!!!

10 minutes later. You check out of you can stand up.

H-hello?

…

Can I talk now??

…

PERFECT!!

As you can see, today is not only the 11th anniversary of Homestuck but also the 1st anniversary of its Epilogues. Now, imagine one year ago, you were waiting almost 2.5 year for the Epilogues (three years if you don’t count Credits). You wanted to know the answers to many questions such as: Is Lord English defeated once and for all? What happened to that post-Retcon worthless c8nt who lost all of her character development? Is Terezi going to be okay? etc. Sure you got some supplementary stuff like the 1st act of Hiveswap (after like 5 years after its announcement, despite all of its development problems), Friendsim (that visual novel that detailed characters that will appear in later acts of Hiveswap), you read some fanfics like Cool And New Web Comic (personal opinion: very fucking good) and Vast Error (I didn’t read this one but I heard it was good and many people behind it are working with the WhatPumpkin team and on the other official Homestuck shit), there were some official snapchat photos and while those were very good, you knew that they will mean nothing when the Epilogues will drop in. And they finally does, on the Homestuck’s 10th anniversary no less. So you click on The Homestuck Epilogues, happy and excited as fuck and the first thing you see is… an introduction page ripped straight out of AO3.

You earn what can be basically described as a punch in the face where the metaphorical fist is filled with confusion. But it doesn’t end here. Then you notice something more disturbing in content warning and characters:

Rape? Abuse?? Existential Crisis?!? OC?!?! Polyamory?!?!?! GENDER TRANSITION?!??!?!?!?! BARACK! FUCKING!! OBAMA?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

Like what in the actual fuck is happening?!!

Then you read the Prologue and you are like: Uhm… Okay. It’s not that bad at all, like, far from it. Maybe that AO3 page is just a joke? Everything will be alright right? RIGHT?!?

Then one week later Hussie (with help of some people) drops two nukes on fandom and it all goes to hell. No seriously, it’s like Hussie built Little Boy and Fat Man expies titled Meat and Candy, dropped them on fandom in which the centers of explosions were Dirk’s and Jane’s fandoms respectively and delivered some of the biggest Broken Base effect in Homestuck after like Act 6. Nothing was the same after that. Everybody were fighting each other over who was right, people didn’t even know what was canon anymore and even up to this date people are still misgendering Roxy for fucks sake (it’s not even that hard to remember it: she/her for the Alpha Roxy and her Candy counterpart and he/him for the Meat one; come on man)!

From what I’ve (mostly) seen on Tumblr, most of the Homestuck fans hates it to the bones. Only some individuals actually like them and I happened to be one of those people who likes the Epilogues.

Everyone is pointing a gun at you. Again.

OH COME ON MA-

One hour later.

CAN I FINALLY TALK WITHOUT ENDING UP FUCKING HANGED?!?

…

Bogan: y̵i̸s̷.̵.̶.̶

THANK YOU!

Now, I don’t really care who likes the Epilogues and who doesn’t. Everyone has different opinions. But something tells me that the Epilogues (at least here on Tumblr) are overhated. Like, sometimes, the negativity towards the Epilogues is so big that it makes me feel like I was in Star Wars fandom. And when fandom starts to look like the Star Wars one, you know you are in deep shit.

But you might be thinking by now: Dude, where are going with all of this shit?! Well my dear… uhm… pickles? The point of all of this is that I want to share something with you. And that is the reason. The (main) reason why I (in worst case) have more tolerance towards The Homestuck Epilogues than most of the people (on Tumblr).

When I started writing this long as fuck text I thought that I would easily give more reasons, in other words, give like 3-4 points why I like the Epilogues. But then again it’s better said than done because most of them are connected to this fact:

THE. EPILOGUES. ARE. MOSTLY. NOT. CANON.

This is the reason why I like them, why I can tolerate them. The Epilogues are mostly happening in two new timelines, different from the Alpha one. It’s even stated (or at worst implied) by Jade in Homestuck^2’s 6th chapter that the Meat timeline (and also possibly the Candy one) is not the Alpha one:

The reason why the Epilogues are mostly not canon is that the characters from the Alpha timeline (Terezi, Vriska, Aradia, Sollux, Alt!Calliope etc.) make an appearance in one of the timelines (some of them in both).

Some people who hate the Epilogues stated that it RUINED some of the characters no matter if they liked them or not. That’s kind of… over-the-top because characters that are not from the Alpha timeline are clearly in some cases not the same ones that we know as I see it (at least in case of Neo-Condesce and Doc Strider) as a fuck you towards those fanfics that like to shove Ron the Death Eater and Character Derailment tropes down our throats because some fanfic creators didn’t like some of the characters from the original work.

In other words: Almost all of the characters from the Alpha timeline are the same characters as we know at the very end of Homestuck.

There are still lesser things that I find myself enjoying in the Epilogues:

-          The writing is on a very good level and when it’s pissing someone of it’s not from incompetence,

-          Post-Retcon Vriska actually gets some actual character development instead of ending up as a useless piece of shit that only insults everyone who achieved much more than she ever would (I mean it took (at least) almost 4 years for this to happen but still),

-          The fact that behind Neo-Condesce’s and Doc Strider’s turn to evil is some actual sense, like with the former one it was mind manipulations in her childhood (not to mention the literal mind control by Post-Scratch Meenah) and the latter one (in order to become ultimate) ending up absorbing some of the versions of himself that are basically a massive shitheads (like Bro, Hal, even Caliborn counts),

There are still other pros that either I can’t remember or they are too minor co count.

Does all of this mean that the Epilogues are flawless? PFFFFFF! Of course not. Nothing is perfect. There are some stuff that I don’t like.

The biggest one is that the Epilogues are sometimes overcrowded with so many words detailing every single thing that it actually becomes a slog to get through even one chapter (but then again, this is the reason why I don’t enjoy reading books). Sure, the original comic is like almost thrice as long as the fucking Lord of the Rings in case of the dialogue but it has pictures and animations to be more pleasant for the eyes. Which leads to another con: No. Fucking. Pictures. If I want to look for the details, then at least show me something else than words. Every fucking time I must look at dozens of words describing the most minuscule thing in the novel I’m like:

Also in terms of enjoyment I prefer the Meat Epilogue over the Candy one. When some people say that this book is a big, steaming pile of sadness and depression, at least the Meat part tells you from the start what kind of tone it’s going to have. The Candy part? Not so much. First it’s all happiness, (almost) everyone is happy, birds are happy, clouds are happy, nothing but happiness. And then you get punched in the gut, smashed into the ground and getting kicked over and over and over for so long that when the kicking finally stops it feels like 15 years passed by that time. And just to add up, the pacing in Meat is better than in Candy.

I’m going to piss you off even more but there are moments in the original Homestuck that are more cringe/rage inducing than some of the most painful ones from the Epilogues, particularly the intermissions in Act 6 Act 6 (DON’T GET ME STARTED ON WHAT HAPPENED TO BOTH SERKETS I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD).

…

…

…

Hey you.

…

Are you still reading this?

…

GOOD! Because you have reached the end of this long ass post that will get one like MAX. You know, like my other long ass posts. LOL AM I RIGHT?!?!

Jokes asides, we had a wild ride since the last 413. The Epilogues (despite what they are) gave us the answers to the biggest questions that Homestuck left for us, we got Pesterquest, the sequel to Friendsim that concluded the history of the MSPAReader (until another sequel -_-) and, of course, we got the official sequel to Homestuck, over 10.5 years later from the original comic’s debut. So, fuck ton of stuff throughout a year for me.

As for the Epilogues, look, I can, in some way, understand that some of you want to stay at least 10 km away from them but it has been a year (well technically almost a year) since they were published on the Homestuck’s official website. It might be a good time to read them once more. Without all of that hype they have built for 2.5 years after the credits. From the different perspective. Maybe even (and I dare to say it) right after yet another re-reading of Homestuck. Either way, remember that in most cases you can give someone or something another chance.

Before I’ll finally end this I must call out some of the more rabid Epilogues haters:

STOP TREATING THE ORIGINAL, ALPHA JANE THE SAME WAY AS A FUCKING NEO-CONDESCE!! THOSE TWO CHARACTERS ARE DIFFERENT CHARACTERS!! SAME WITH ALPHA DIRK AND DOC STRIDER!! MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND!!! STOP ACTING LIKE A BUNCH OF 12 YEAR OLD BRATS!!!

You are on your last breath.

Tha… that’s it! I’m done… wheeze S… See you next time. B-Bye now! Imma… Immabouttopffffffffffffffffffff-

You fall down on your floor after over 1.5 thousand words of talking. Suddenly you feel urge to check Twitter. You see that Homestuck^2 has just received another update. Roundabout starts playing in the background.

What?! And what is thi- PART ONE?!?!?! Oooooooooohhhhhhh ffffuuuuuuUUUUUUUU-

<--- TO BE CONTINUED

[afterspark-podcast]

Transformers (2007): Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

O: And now I'm just imagining him showing up at this little old grandma's house, ripping up the house and being like, “HOW DARE YOU!?!”

[Intro Music]

S: Welcome... to hell!

O: It’s time.  It’s time for the Bay movies guys.

S: [sharp intake of breath] Welcome to our first anniversary special with the 2007 Transformers film!

O: Shall we talk about giant robots? [dissolves into laughter]

S: Yeah.  Let's talk about giant robots, though we may be very unhappy by the end of this.

O: So first, an info dump, for what is most likely a refresher for the majority of you folks but a- the live-action Transformers movie was directed by [deadpan] Michael Bay and uh, starring Shia LaBeouf.

S: The movie did incredibly well at the box office and introduced a lot of people to the franchise and um, these people may have been unaware of it [the Transformers franchise] before or hadn't seen a prior but it was an introduction at least for most.

O: Which is probably the most positive thing that we can say about this movie.  The movie franchise is likely the main reason we got the Transformers Prime TV series and even brought more readers to the first IDW comic run.  Which maybe wasn't super great at the time the movie came out, but got way better! [laughs]

S: Yeah, I mean, IDW also had comics based on the movie, in addition to the main IDW G1-

O: And I haven’t read those yet, but yeah.

S: I don't think we've made our disdain for this movie a secret but just in case, neither of us enjoy this movie.

O: Like, at all.

S: So if you personally like this movie this episode may not be for you.  Um, we're sorry guys.

O: [laughs] We are, actually, because I- I know there are people out there who like it.  We're not those people, but we will be back for a normal G1 schtick later, so uh, please join us then.

S: That isn't to say that there hasn't been excellent fanfiction based off of this.

O: Eh, fanfiction, fanart-

S: Um-hm.

O: Oh my god, there- there was this one I saw the other day where somebody did like, a Transformers Animated of ah, Last Knight Megatron-

S: Oh!

O: -and I was like, “I legitimately like that!  Good job, you!”

S: There’s some excellent fan work based on these movies.

O: Yeah, like, just hands down, but um...  Well, down to brass tacks Specs, what was your first experience with this movie like?

S: Hmm, ah, well let's go back in time, shall we?

O: [makes woo noises]

S: So I didn't see it in theaters.  Ah, my first experience with this movie was getting it for my birthday... yay.

B: [laughter]

O: Yay.

S: I watched it and um, and was like, “Okay... that was a thing.  It exists, um, Bumblebee peed on a guy.” And I watched this with my parents, I'll have you know!

O: And it- it's way funnier when you know her parents, who are extremely Catholic and her mother who is extremely Irish Catholic and imagining them watching this movie with her is hysterical .

S: My mom doesn't like sci-fi to begin with-

O: Yeah, right!  And then, all of this was happening!

S: Yeah, my- my dad probably enjoyed it more because he likes explosions and stuff.

O: [laughs] He's a nice guy but he is- he- he, he's a simple man.  He has simple criteria for the things he enjoys and I can respect that.

S: He actually really likes Terry Pratchett but let’s-

O: Oh, yes.

S: -let's get back to this.  Uh, I don't think I uh, rewatched it for a while because uh, high school was happening and I had better things to be doing.  You know, like reading fanfic or doing homework. Homework was more enjoyable than this.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] So I found the movie mostly just disappointing.  While it did breathe new life into the fandom it seemed like most of the pre-existing fans that I- you know, knew or followed or was aware of, were disappointed by the designs and the story on like- specifically on the forum that I was frequenting at the time.  Other people loved it and I mean, it did create a new influx of fans, so... that's a positive thing.

I was also super annoyed by the lack of Arcee because there was a decent toy of her and I own it.  It's the only Bayverse toy I own, and then they had Arcee and two other characters that shared the same mold show up in the second movie and then die.

O: And- and these were not the same mold as the toy she [Specs] owns.

S:  Yes.

O: To make this even weirder, like, Arcee did have a design apparently [in the first movie].

S: Yes, she was a nice motorcycle.  She had legs in the first- for the first movie toy and then… then she was a unicycle thing-

O: Mm-hmm.

S: -in the second movie and then they all died.  And I don't own any other toys from ah- from the Bayverse franchise, so let's go over to you.

O: Eh-heh-heh-ha!  So, to my memory I first saw this in high school.  I want to say it may have actually been something they showed at school?  [My SO seems to remember the same thing, so this was probably the case. ~O]

And in direct contrast to Specs, I went to public school in a rural area, no one gave a shit, so...  I- I saw the second one in theaters, but I legitimately do not remember where I saw the first one. Uh, for the record, I thought it was fine!  I had zero reference, beyond a foggy memory of Beast Machines- not even Beast Wars guys, Beast Machines.  And hadn't seen G1 at all.  I very vaguely knew who Optimus Prime was and pretty much nobody else.

No, it would take over a decade before this film franchise filled me with seething rage.

S: And you didn't even get into the fandom, when I tried interesting you in it.  You got into it by yourself!

O: [laughs] I know!  She tried! She tried in college! [laughs] Which is why, I was like, “Hey, I want to watch Beast Wars!” It was like, not looking where I was going and walking off a cliff!  [laughs]

S: Pretty much, and then I just threw TV shows at you.

O: She just like, thew DVD’s down the cliff at me! [continues laughing]

S: And comics.

O: Which I mean...I didn’t really mind...but I love that description so much.

S: [laughs]

O: But, uh, all of this aside, I will be saying my media recommendation for the day here, instead of at the end.  I strongly recommend watching Lindsey Ellis’, “The Whole Plate.” Which is a series about film studies through the lens of Transformers.  Not only is excellent breaking these movies down in the context of film, and film theory, but it's informative and done by someone else who clearly loves Transformers.

Pretty sure her favorite is Starscream, but I also think I saw a Wheeljack in the background of one of her videos, but do not quote me on that.  Uh, it is at least partially due to Lindsey I started watching G1. Uh, the other YouTube culprit I'll likely recommend in a different video, heh, but needless to say she certainly didn't hurt.  I'd been watching her, “Whole Plate,” series since 2017 so... over a year before I made that so fateful decision to borrow Beast Wars.

This recommendation also comes caveat: Because I've watched her videos, I know I've been heavily influenced by them and... it is likely I will talk about some of the same points that she's made... while we're going through this movie.  So just, if- eh, this is me so this is me, um, cite--this is me giving you my citation for ah, my work, essentially.

Go watch Lindsey Ellis’ videos, they're fantastic.

S: And I suppose to counterpoint, I haven't seen any of her videos.  So anything that I talk about that ends up accidentally being something that comes up in here is an accident.

O: The only- I think I showed you the- the Megan Fox video.

S: You might have, but at this point it's been so long ago that-

O: [quietly]  That’s true..

S: -that I probably don't remember, or almost certainly don’t.

O: Fair!  Anyway, definitely go- go, uh, watch her, because she's interesting.  I-I feel like there’s- I’ve seen posts that like, seem like at least some people don't like her.  So, I don't know what's going on there and I don't really want to find out. So if it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing and that's fine.    Well! Ready for the movie?

S: Say it isn't so, but yes, yes I am.

O: [laughs] Here we go!

S: [sighs]  We open with some opening narration by Optimus Prime played by Peter Cullen of the da--

O: -of Optimus Prime? [laughs]

S: Well, I was gonna say, “of the days of old.”

O: [laughs louder]  Okay, fair! And I don't- I don’t care if he mostly in a cartoon voice over work, he is too good for this fucking movie!

S: He is.  He gives us the backstory for Cybertron and the Autobot/Decepticon war and I think, you see someone spearing someone else with something in this…

O: It wouldn’t shock me.  Something called the AllSpark is super important and they send it off planet to keep the Decepticons from getting it.

S: The Autobots couldn’t keep track of it either.  They did not think this through.

O: Of course, it landed on an unknown planet, Eii-arth!

S: [snickers] Megatron apparently followed the AllSpark but pulled a Skyfire and got frozen in the Arctic, where he was found by a team of explorers led by Captain Archibald Witwicky.  Doesn't that just sound like a manly man.

O: [laughing]  He is!

S: The part of Skyfire will be played by Megatron in this movie.

O: Make sure to properly chill your Decepticon warlord for at least a couple of decades before serving.

S: Don't you mean a couple thousand years?

O: Shush!

B: [laugh]

S: Meanwhile, Skyfire’s sir not appearing in this picture.

O: Also, don't be fooled by the opening guys!  Sure, Optimus may be talking now but it won't last.  It'll be like, what? An hour before we get any more giant robots talking?

S: Probably.  We cut to the Middle East in the um, ‘present’ day.

O: Well, present day ten years ago anyway.

S: It's soldiers doing transportation stuff on a military base... and a guy wants to eat alligators.

O: Fuck yeah, America- am I right!?!

S: It’s cuisine.  The military partially funded these movies if anybody was unaware this really helps explain their presence in the movie series.

O: That and Bay's HUGE fuckin’ boner for ‘em.

S: The soldiers here are some of the better characters in the movie.  They're funny, they work well off each other, and you know, [gasp] feel like they’re friends.

O: What a concept.  An unknown helicopter lands at the base, transforming into a giant robot and starting to destroy said base.

S: The Decepticons apparently want US military codes or they're trying to find the AllSpark location, or something.

O: I can't help but think of Soundwave was here this would have been done so much more competently.  Even Soundwave- even movie Soundwave is still competent.

S: Oh, probably.  Uh, the Decepticon is Blackout by the way, who- I'm not sure we ever see or hear him talk?

O:  Yeah, like, we might hear him talk in Cybertronian at the very end of the movie like, when it's like, doing the all the Decepticons gettin’ ready.

S: Hmm.

O: Um…

S: Maybe.

O: He never really is a character, um, but I hope you're ready for shaky cam video of this robot and not getting a good look at him!

S: Oh!  Flying tanks, how novel.

O: [laughs] They fail to fight off the Decepticon and a small group of soldiers manages to escape the base, but not without being followed by Scorpinok.

S: Who is released by, um, Blackout cuz apparently he's his pet or something-

O: Something like that.  The only thing you need to remember about this is that the main soldier is Lennox, and he is leading the group.  The other characters have names. I had to look them up.

S: Yeah, they aren’t very big characters, unfortunately.  It would have been more entertaining if-

B: -they were.

S: [sighs] And then suddenly we're at a high school.

O: Following a teenage boy who's gonna try to hawk his great-great-great-something-grandfather’s shit in the middle of class.

S: [sighs] Why is he hawking shit?  Because he wants to seduce the hottie by getting a car, either that, or that is merely a side effect of getting a car that he hopes will happen.

O: Mikaela is way too good for him.

S: She is.

O: He blabs on about how his something-grandfather, Captain Archibald Witwicky was the first man to explore the Arctic.

S: Never mind that there were already people living there.

O: He was the first white idiot to make it up there and not die?

S: Possibly.

O: [laughs]

S: We're introduced to the glasses of plot here.  They're not particularly relevant right now, but they will be later!

O:  Notice those weird etchings on the lenses?  That's- that's a thing!

S: Keep these in mind.  Put a pin in it. But right now, Sam is talking about selling his stuff on eBay.

O: ~ Ladies~ he takes Paypal. [laughs]

S: The bell rings and the rest of the class leaves as Sam talks to his teacher.  Proceeding to be a total freaking dumb ass by guilting his teacher into giving him a better grade than he deserved, because otherwise his dad won't help him buy a car.

O: And remember, this is supposed to be the character we’re identifying with.  Thanks! I hate it.

S: [sighs] You know, and after meeting Sam's dad, his behavior makes a lot more sense.  Clearly he gets dickish behavior from said dad.

O: His dad drives him through a Porsche dealer to make him think he's buying Sam a Porsche, which just kind of seems like a dick move.  They proceed to show up at a used-car lot with, uh, Sam spying a mysterious Camaro, which is Bee in this.

S: Like, Bumblebee was actually following them into the car lot which is kind of funny-

O: Yeah, but- but they didn't really see him until he parked in the car lot.

S: Yeah, I guess uh, they had to make him cooler for the 2000’s.

O: You know, I always liked the little Volkswagon bugs when I was in high school around this timeframe.  I still do, they're adorable!

S: They're cute.  Unfortunately, they're not sexy enough for a teenage boy in the mid-2000s.

O: [sighs] No, but they were sexy enough for a teenage boy in the 80’s.

S: [laughs] Yes, but that was when he knew it was his- it was friend shaped.

O: [laughs] Oh-

S: Bumblebee is-

O: G1 Bumblebee is so friend shaped.

S: He is.  He's friend shaped to everyone except Megatron, really.  Well, all of the Decpti-

O: No, he’s friend shaped to Megatron in the comics too!

S: Oh god, well, are we talking IDW comic or the original?

O: I was talking about the- I was talking about the- the plot in IDW, yeah. [laughs] Mostly I just thought was funny because his design is very, very similar in that toG1-

S: Yeah-

O: And I was like, yeah that’s pretty funny though.

S: Yeah, you're right he was very friend shaped in that.

O: He is friend shaped to everybody.

S: But in the Marvel Comics he's not friend shaped to the Decepticons.

O: Oh no, nobody's friend shaped in the Marvel comic. [laughs]  Are you kidding me?

S: Ah, ah, Bee’s been following this kid around for a while and the car salesman clearly has never seen this damn car in his life, but he's still gonna try and sell it.

O: I-I mean given that it is his car lot, I can’t- I’m not sure I can fault him on this decision really? [laughs]

S: Well, it’s not honest.

O: [laughs] No.

S: And he's like, “I'm honest- whatever.”  I think he has, “honesty,” actually on a sign somewhere.

O: [continues to laugh]

S: I don't know, it's not- it doesn't really matter.  And, um, there's also an ostrich here. Why is there an ostrich!?!

O: I think he has a petting zoo or something, I don’t know.

S: He is down to make that dough.

O: Very.

S: Bee also comes with racing stripes.

O: We all know that makes him go faster, Specs!

S: [snorts]

O: [laughs]

S: Amongst other things, Bee contains a bee air freshener, that says “BEE-OTCH,” a small disco ball, and a weird lion bobblehead, that I thought was a small taxidermied animal at first.

O: [laughs] And we didn’t even see it till our second walk- er, watch through either!  Just to make this more ridiculous!

S: Yeah, it vanishes so I gather Spike didn’t- oh god, not Spike-

O: No, this isn’t Spike, it would probably be better if it was!

S: Yeah.  Sam didn't think it was too hot either.

O: Yeah, but uh, this whole bit, just feels creepy.  Sam's gonna buy Bumblebee, a living, thinking, being, whose intelligence definitely surpasses his own.

S: And let's compare this to Charlie from the Bumblebee movie, who's trying to rebuild a car by herself with no support from her family and then there's Sam.  And I mean, okay, yeah, she does get Bumblebee, basically- basically in a transaction. She does kind of buy him, but when she realizes that he's a person, she treats him like a person.

O: Exactly, and Sam is just this entitled little rich kid living in a nice house and has everything handed to him in Southern California!   I don't know what his parents do, but clearly they make good fucking money!

S: I don't know what they do.

O: Me either!

S: Bee is even parked next to a VW Bug, an old one.  Which he will then proceed to wreck.

O: I feel like this is the start to Michael Bay being like why do you like, “Why do you like that nerdy shit?  Come look at boobs, tits, and nice cars. These are the only things that are really important.” This will be the hill I die on.

S: [sighs] I don’t understand Michael Bay.

O: If you didn’t like this, why did you do it!?!  I know the answer is money.

S: Money is-

O: But you can at least do it enjoyably!

S: Yeah, well, money is the root of a lot of... stuff.  Speaking of, Bee is... very much a dick here. He destroys this guy's entire lot of cars, or at least all their windows.  Because he emits a supersonic noise and you know, busts all the windows in an effort to get Sam to buy him or get the guy to sell him to Sam-

O: For a cheaper price, basically.

S: Yeah.

O: Cutting to the Pentagon, the Secretary of Defense is briefing a team of technicians who will be attempting to decode the Decepticon signal they got from Blackout earlier. (Kind of.)

S: One of them is a very intelligent young woman named Maggie.

O: Who will proceed to be shot like another piece of tits and ass, like all the pretty woman in this movie.  Oh, and if you're not young and pretty in this movie series you're basically just a harpy.

S: [sighs] And after this movie we will never see her again.  Which might imply that she has more longevity than Sam.

O: Smart girl.  At Sam’s house, we’re introduced to his mom, his dog, and some casual sexism.

S: We're not allowed to put girl jewelry on a male dog in this house, are we?

O: Of course not!  What would the men think?  That jewelry is awesome and they're totally allowed to wear it.  Yeah, actually let's do that- that sounds way better.

S: [sighs] But don't worry if you think Mojo [Sam’s dog] is emasculated or something.  Later movies will have him humping absolutely everything.

O: Yeah, because that's what I want to watch in a movie about giant alien robots!

S: Admittedly, these movies aren't particularly about giant alien robots.  They’re-

O: No, they're like- about Sam's love life and explosions [snickers].

S: Or whatever the human lead’s love life.

O: [quietly] True.

S: That's- that’s typically how it runs. [sighs] Back to the army guys again.  They're still attempting to escape Scorponok. Except they don't know that Scorponok’s following them.

O: No, but they're like, trying to get away from the base.

S: They're trying to get somewhere where they can contact help, I think? So they're making their way through the desert, with this young kid that showed up at the very beginning of the movie and was like, “Hi!  You're my friends, I'm bringing you something.” And he escaped with them.

O: Yup.  They decide they need to get their intel back to Pentagon as soon as possible.

S: And in our other movie, Sam's friend is a moron, and Mikaela's boyfriend is a dick, just a beefier dick than Sam.

O: So infuriating, this should be relatable.  I was the weirdo in high school! But no, I still just want to strangle Sam with my bare hands.

S: And- well, honestly, Miles (Sam's friend) isn't really a moron.  He's just acting like an actual teenage boy.

O: [laughs]

S: [huffs] He's climbing trees and entering cars through the window and then in the next scene when we see that, the door is open?  So he like, dived through the door?

O: Continuity.  Continuity is not a thing, Specs.

B: [laugh]

S: [sighs] Sam proceeds to bait Mikaela's jock boyfriend to satisfy his own ego, but just barely manages to avoid a knuckle sandwich.

O: UNFORTUNATELY.  Said boyfriend then proceeds to treat Mikaela like property.

S: He won't even let her ride in the front seat of his truck.  She knows significantly more about trucks than you do, you asshole!  She could probably-

O: Oh, she could run circles around this asshole.

S: Well no, I was thinking she could probably you know, set something up so that his truck killed him.

O: Ah-ha-ha, there we go!  That's the movie- that's the movie Mikaela should have been in.

S: Well, I mean, Megan Fox- she is apparently good in Jennifer's Body.  Sam boots his friend out of Bumblebee so that he can offer... Mikaela a ride home.

O: It’s shitty to strand your friend like this, dude.

S: It's especially shitty, because the car has backseat.

O: And he couldn't shove his friend back there.

S: [quietly] Yeah.

O: Mikaela reluctantly accepts and Bee has decided to become Sam's wingman, apparently.

S: I'm assuming he knows what teenagers do in cars, but really, does he actually understand what teenagers do in cars!?!

O: [while laughing] Um, I'm-I’m not sure to be honest.

S: Well, considering they apparently learned English from the internet.

O: Yeah, you’d think there’d be some porn thrown in there.

S: I’d assume so.  Um, he breaks down causing Mikaela to open his hood and check the engine.

O: And what kills me, is that she's saying relevant things throughout the scene but the way she's shot, she's not treated like a person, she's treated like a-a-an object to be viewed essentially, and it is very frustrating. I know we could assume that it's from Sam's perspective, but boy does this get old.

S: It gets really old.  Sam asks her about why she hangs out with her boyfriend.  Of course, he phrases it like, strongly hinting that she should hang out with him instead.  And Mikaela can totally tell that he's doing that so she's like, “I'm out,” and starts walking off.

O: But Bee suddenly starts working again so Sam's able to convince her to at least let him finish driving her home.

S: She'd have probably had a better time walking home, let's be real.

O: Probably.

S: Except she might have had really uncomfy shoes...

O: Eh, except like, it was sunset, and it was night by the time they got home.  So I have to ask, how far out of town were they?

S: That's a good point.  Um, and then we get Sam saying uh, [sighs] that, “There's more than meets the eye,” about the Mikaela.

O: Why does this just feel like another slap in the face of the original series?

S: Probably because it is, and on to Air Force One.  Frenzy, who's apparently someone's carry on here, because he's a boombox in this and was actually under someone's seat.

O: Or!  You could choose to imagine him walking onto the onto the plane himself.  Just thing about this little radio, who’s got teeny tiny little legs, and walks on the plane.  It's way funnier!  Also, did he steal Soundwave’s alt!?!

S: That is a fun thing, but yeah.  Hello president who is obviously Bush!  Whose face we don't see, but unfortunately we get to see his besoc- besocked feet.

O: He wants a ding dong.

S: [sighs]

O: Betcha do!  Uh, Frenzy attempts to get data from the military database by way of Air Force One, but he’s caught while doing this, and so the Secret Service shoots at him.

S: The Secret Service apparently didn't get the 4-1-1 on what you don't do on a plane.  You don't shoot shit on a plane. You really don't wanna do that. It just leads for a bad time, for everyone, very briefly.

O: [laughing] Yup!  Very short lives!

S: Either that, or they're lucky and they manage to make a safe landing but... you don't want-

O: Do you really- do you really want to risk that?  No.

S: No, you don't want catastrophic decompression on a plane.

O: No you don’t.

S: I mean, who knows, maybe Air Force One is better... built?  Once they uh, basically, they end up taking the plane down, uh, in an emergency landing, because shots fired or whatever.  Then once they bring the plane down, Frenzy is able to sneak off the plane through the a- he goes down like, the doors that the wheels go out and then it's just funny.

O: It is.

S: Yeah, he goes over to Barricade after that.

O: Barricade’s a police car.  He will be more relevant later, but uh- you have any doubts that this little thing was Frenzy, you just need to see that little walk off the plane and you will know.

S: Cuz he- he's got like, his hand up to hide his face.

O: Yeah, like he’s- he’s like, trying to be nonchalant.  Like, after they thought he was trying to kill the president it is delightful.

S: Mm-hmm and Frenzy is smarter than the- the Secret Service on this plane because he had like, shurikens.

O: Yeah!  Once he's in Barricade he pulls up the eBay listings for Sam's Grandpa's glasses and says, “We must find LadiesMan217!”

S: Why did he pick that username?

O: I don't know, but I legitimately find it hilarious every time a Cybertronian has to shout it in this movie.  I know he said it in like, Cybertronian there, it is still great.

S: Oh Sam’s ego, but yeah, it is really funny anytime a robot shouts that.  At Sam's house, Bee apparently has got places to be. So he just, you know, turns on his own ignition and then drives off by himself.

O: This awakens Sam, who then goes chasing after his own car on his bike.

S: And call- he calls the police.  Sam calls the police to report that his car is being stolen.  Going so far as to remind them that his dad is the head of the neighborhood watch.

O: Well, if you needed a another reminder that Sam is a rich white boy, there you go.

S: [sighs] Yeah…

O: Sam finally catches up with Bee, who's standing some distance away beaming the bat signal- I mean the Autobot signal some kind of signal-er, some kind of signal into space.

S: Sam starts recording all of this on his shitty flip phone, and thinking that he's going to die the first words out of his mouth are, “Porn’s not mine, it's Miles’!”

O: Oh yes, that's the last image I'd want to leave my own mother with. Talking about your erections, lovely.

S: Considering one of the conversations that happens later…

O: It may be were relevant than I want to imagine, yeah.  Mm-hmm. Moving on!

S: Yeah.  Sam is then chased by some good doggos, who managed to get free of their uh, basically they weren’t very well contained.

O: Yep.

S: But the poor puppies are denied their midnight snack as Bumblebee bursts in and save[s] him and you don't really see the dogs go away.  They just start aren’t there anymore.

O: [laughs] And despite thinking his car’s alive, he shouts something that they, “Can keep the car!” and chunks his keys at Bee.

S: I don't even know what the building they're in even is, cuz he goes into a building and then suddenly it seems like they're not in a building anymore and it's... what's going on?

O: Yeah… Um, Sam's arrested when the cops show up for making a false 9-1-1 call because his car is obviously right there.

S: Yep, and it's not like there was any evidence of other people around.

O: There weren’t.

S: At the Pentagon with some assholes, including the Secretary of Defense and our- Maggie, our pretty lady analyst.  Maggie proceeds to sneak into a very high up meeting basically to say, “The system is alive!”

O: Which is completely insane in any other context, except this movie, where she is technically right, but it still sounds like a pretty insane context-

S: Yeah.

O: Er, sane- sounds like pretty insane an idea.

S: She kind of gets kicked out... of the meeting.

O: Yeah.

S: But she's right, and she will be vindicated later.  And, um, I hate the color balancing in this movie everything is so orange and blue.  It looks like everyone's skin tone is basically, you know, orange and like, they all have really bad spray tans?  Or at least all the white people do. None of the black people in this movie really have to deal with looking like an orange.

O: They may still have orange light on them, but it's not quite the same way.

S: Yeah, and now it's police time.

O: Where we've made Sam do a pee test, and then they hold up a bottle that says, “Mojo,” on it and they're interrogating him about it.  Mojo, as previously stated... is his dog and it is very likely that the bottle would say, “canine,” on it because that's how it worked when I had to pick up medication for my cat from the pharmacy. [Well, the cat’s was labelled ‘feline,’ but you know what we mean.]  So they're just being assholes.

S: And I mean, that looks like a legit prescription bottle.

O: Yeah.

S: So, I don't think most people keep their illegal drugs in legit prescription bottles.

O: [laughs] Fair, fair.

S: I mean, I have no personal experience but… [sighs]  And back to the Middle East with the soldier boys.

O: Scorponok attempts subtlety, only narrowly missing killing Lennox.

S: He does however succeed in killing the oblivious glasses guy, or maybe he doesn't kill him, maybe just badly injures him?  I don’t know.

O: I’m pretty sure he's dead because we don't see him for the rest of the movie.  If I'm wrong I apologize.

S: Okay, that's a good point.  The soldiers all book it and take shelter in and around these bombed out buildings.  Which is apparently the young boy's village. [sighs] They have brought hell down upon this small village and this will never be addressed.

O: The dad of the kid that's been helping them seems awfully nice, considering they have brought a giant mechanical scorpion to the front door.

S: Yup, that poor man does not deserve any of this shit.

O: Nope!

S: And here's one of the few legitimately funny scenes in this movie.

O: Lennox, has to call the Pentagon.  Which involves Lennox having to go back and forth with the most bored guy in a call center ever, but he also needs a credit card because it's a long-distance call.  A really long distance call.

S: He's able to get that credit card from Epps, one of the soldiers in his squad.

O: And this is all happening, while they're in the middle of a firefight.  So they're having to yell to be heard and stuff. Epps is also shooting at Scorponok, so Lennox has to grab the wallet off of Epps.

S: And so their conversation on how to navigate this is effectively a something like.  “It's in my back pocket!” “Which one!?!” “Left cheek! Left cheek! Left cheek!” All while firing at Scorponok.  And apparently he's like- eh, Lennox is like, “You have like fifteen pockets!”

O: [laughs]  Which I feel like is legitimately funny!  And I just kind of wish I just didn’t have to like, be concerned, is this racism- with the call center guy looking and sounding Indian and I don't know, because that seems like something Michael Bay would do.

S: Yeah… yeah.  Jets and other military things have apparently been quickly scrambled and show up.

O: Including a military drone, just like what Soundwave turns into in Prime, so I was chuckling.

S: Explosions happen, and miraculously they don't appear to hit any civilians, somehow.  And then there's more shooting and more explosions-

O: And I get very bored.

S: And they're able to shoot off a part of Scorponok's tail, while the rest of Scorponok conveniently gets away.

O: They definitely thought this is important.  The music swells, things are happening in slow motion… you should be paying attention to this.

S: Basically, uh, the military guys get rescued and presumably no one does anything to help repair the damage that…

O: They've done to this village.

S: Yeah, we never hear about the young child again.

O: Nope!

S: [sighs] And back in America, Maggie has stolen intel from the Pentagon and uh, shows up on her friend Glen's doorstep.  And she- she hides it in her makeup case.

O: Which is pretty clever.  Also, he's apparently a master hacker!

S: Yup.  He pulls out some bullshit program that basically auh, you know, pulls, “It's alive!” from the Decepticon audio data Maggie brought over.

O: Which is about the point the feds show up with the SWAT team and arrest them both.

S: Yeah.  Bee shows a back up at Sam's house presumably just to fuck with Sam which at this point really does seem like a Bee thing to do in this movie.

O: Yeah… Bee’s kind of a dick.

S: Sam escapes on his mom’s bike.

O: Why does his mom have a bike that looks like it belongs to a five-year-old!?!  I mean, like- look, I'm not saying don't do you, cuz do you, but- but- but… his mom confuses me.

S: Apparently, she's just a very girly girl who... has a basket that needs to have a pillow in it.  Maybe she takes Mojo for bike rides?

O: I would believe that.

S: I could see her doing that considering that she does put jewelry on him.  She makes him a handsome boy.

O: She does.

S: [sighs] Oh god, so now Sam is running away from his own car, like a crazy person and then uh, runs into Mikaela who's out apparently having lunch.

O: A day, yeah.

S: Well, lunch with her friends.

O: Yeah!

S: She has normal friends, and Sam proceeds to look like a crazy person.

O: He thinks his car is chasing him.  The fact that he's right doesn't really play into how this looks right now.

S: Cuz yeah, he's- he's riding a very pink bike that--

O: Saying his car is chasing him.

S: Yeah.  Bee was definitely driving on the sidewalk, and probably on people's lawns for parts of this.

O: It was funny  Mikaela hops on her scooter because clearly she's like, “I guess I go- I guess I better go help this dumbass.”

S: Mikaela was just a very nice, responsible person.  She's- she's kind.

O: Yeah, she’s not the- like yeah, you don't really see her being mean.

S: She-

O: Even to Sam, even when Sam is being kind of a jerk earlier she's never outright mean to him.  She's done, very done, but you never really see her being mean to him with- unless he kind of deserved it like later.

S: Mikaela is a very kind person and unfortunately she doesn't- her character just doesn't get the recognition that she deserves.

O: No, she doesn’t.

S: [sighs]

O: Barricade catches up with Sam.

S: The police slogan on the side of his police car says- or his police car alt mode says. “To punish and enslave”.

O; What about being undercover, dude?

S: Well, be honest most people don't really pay much attention.

O: [quietly] True.

S: He dicks with Sam for a bit before transforming into robot mode and yelling, “Are you LadiesMan217!?!”

O: Really quickly, and it's amazing.  Sam runs away and knocks Mikaela off her scooter.

S: Sam, you dumbass, you could have really fucking hurt her, you jack ass.

O: Pretty much. [singing] ~Here Bee comes to save the dayyyyyy!~

S: Sam proceeds to pull a, “Come with me if you want to live,” to Mikaela, which... At this point, considering that he has now uh, conflated her with himself to the Decepticons probably- is probably true, yeah.

O: Fair.  They have a high-speed chase, somewhere in Southern California.

S: Bee gets them somewhere relatively isolated before dumping the two of them out and transforming to fight with Barricade and... is this still the middle of the day?  I- no this is at night, it’s night now.

O: It keeps kind of swapping, it's weird.  And then Frenzy hop-

S: How long where they… ?

O: I don't know how long this was going on, because it was like- it looked like it was mid-afternoon and they don't get dumped out till night, like the sun has set, night.

S: Like, jeez.

O: I don't know, heh, but Frenzy hops out of Barricade and attacks Sam and Mikaela.

S: [sighs] Sam manages to lose his goddamn pants in this altercation.

O: Of course he does.  Mikaela, being the badass that she is, grabs a fucking power tool and attacks Frenzy with it.  Cutting him into pieces!

S: Mikaela kicks ass, and she would have been a far better protagonist.  My heart weeps that this wasn't actually the reality.

O: Eh, that's okay they kind of did it in the Bumblebee movie.

S: Yeah.  Sam shows his bravery by... bravely kicking Frenzy’s head away.

O: Frenzy, using a second set of legs coming from his head... walks over to Mikaela’s purse, because she dropped it earlier, and then disguises himself as her cellphone.

S: After stabbing her, you know, her real cellphone.  Presumably to get data from it or something?

O: I would assume?  Yeah.

S: Otherwise it's gonna be a very bad disguise.  She opens it and is like, “Where are all my god damn contacts?”

B: [laugh]

O: Yeah, fair.

S: And then there's some crack about Bee being Japanese, once Sam finally gets his actual introduction to his, you know, ‘not a car’.

O: This should be a tongue-in-cheek reference to the original toys being created by the Japanese company Takara, but given Bay’s track record, I really have to wonder.  I know I keep bringing that up, but like, parts of this movie feel very uncomfortable to watch-

S: [quietly] Yeah.

O: -and certain racial stereotyping that he does not only in this movie, but even worse, honestly, in the sequels... just makes me feel really uncomfortable.

S: [quietly] Yeah. [normal volume]  They ride off in Bee, both Sam and Mikaela and not wanting to sit in the driver's seat because Bee is driving and... that wouldn't be polite somehow.

O: I'm not even going to comment on what I'm actually thinking.  Sam tries to pull off a slick move, telling Mikaela she should sit in his lap because there's only one other seat belt.

S: That's bad, if you're in an accident you're both gonna die.  Though, I mean, considering they’re both in a giant alien robot…

O: I mean their driver is a sentient alien robot, who's used to being a car, so hopefully that doesn't happen, right?

S: Mostly I'm just imagining that a giant alien robot car isn't going to have the same sort of, you know, safety tests-

O: Oh, safety precautions!?!  Ha! [laughs]

S: [trying not to laugh] Safety test results that an actual car-

O: [continues laughing]  That’s fair!

S: So who the hell knows how this would work!  Bee takes offense at being called a ‘piece-of-shit Camaro’.

O: Leading to him dumping them out, driving off without a driver, and then driving past a very conveniently placed newer yellow and black Camaro with the exact paint job he wants.  Because Michael Bay cares about very few things in this movie. Tits! And you, yes you! Driving a nice shiny car, because you are a man. A virale, sex having man!

B: [laugh]

O: Or at least that's what he's assuming!

S: Oh, and the way Bumblebee scans this car is kind of ridiculous cuz he’s- he’s up on two wheels driving like half on his side so he’s-

O:  Yeah, like on his side!  So he’s got to scan it with something like, on the bottom of his car mode???

S: Yeah, on his undercarriage and it's weird and silly.

O: And it’s just like, yeah, nobody saw this.  Sure!

S: Like, they're driving in a tunnel, there were definitely other people around, cuz people-

O: There definitely were!

S: Cuz people honked at them, people honked at them when Bumblebee dropped them off.  But yeah, let's go. Bee picks them up and they're like, “Oh wow, you could have done this anytime?” and then Bee precedes to take them trespassing so they can meet new people.

O: Where even are they?

S: I don’t know!  I don't think anyone knows.

O; Valid point.

S: Who knows, maybe they're in Oregon now.

O: [laughs] Yes!  They drove north. Very far north!

S: They could have if they were driving all day, I don’t know!  Either that or they were going around goddamn circles.

O: I'm willing to bet that actually.

S: And finally we're going to get more robots as um, meteorites rain down.  These robots being our Autobots.

O: Who will still not improve this movie enough to matter.

S: Which is so depressing.

O: It really is!

S: Mikaela and Sam hold hands because as uh, movie logic dictates- if you have a man and a woman who spend more than a few minutes uh, with one another they will be in love by the end of it.

O: Who cares!  The Autobots seriously fuck some shit up when they land on Earth!

S: Oh they do.  And not a single fuck was given, because they seriously have no idea what the fuck's going on.

O: A bunch of people are running around at several of the crash si- sites recording things too.

S: Um-hmm.  Recording stuff, and probably putting it on YouTube-

O: I would assume.

S: -or whatever in-universe equivalent of YouTube.

O: I think it's just YouTube, based on a sequel, but don't quote me on that.

S: Who knows, we even see Ratchet’s weird ambulance mode in the background of some of these shots.  So we can see where and when he scanned it.

O: Apparently, according to the TF Wiki, this is supposed to be a Hummer H2 rescue vehicle.  So not even technically an ambulance.

S: And then we see Jazz at a Cadillac dealership.

O: Isn’t he supposed to be a Porsche?

S: Yep.

O:  I mean, [sighs] why start being accurate with alts now, right?

S: Well, I'm going to assume that Cadillac paid for this product placement.

O: [laughs] Yeah…

S: Whereas, Porsche probably didn't give a shit.

O: And Porsche was already in there so they did pay money, but the Cadillacs probably paid more.

S: Probably, I don’t know. He's- yeah, he's not even a Cadillac.  Jazz is a Pontiac Solstice, so why are we even had a Cadillac dealership?

O: Money.  Ironhide however, is a huge fucking truck now.

S: A GMC Topkick.  He also apparently, uh- a little girl mistakes him for the tooth fairy.

O: It’s pretty cute actually. I gotta give them that.

S: Yep. Optimus lands on scams a conveniently placed semi.

O: [It] kills me that they copy the paint jobs.  I think I’d prefer if the paint jobs were something that were like, inherent to them, to their biology.  But no! There's another truck out there with blue paint and orange and red flames on the side, are you shitting me?

S: I mean…

O: Or on the front.

S: [snickers]  It's likelier than you think.  Does this mean that there is another cop car out there with, “Punish and enslave,” on the side, or it- was this some civilian’s idea of a cop cosplay?

O: [sighs] Well, we do see little details change like the Autobot signals [symbols] on Ratchet’s paint job.  So maybe that was a small enough detail to be changed. The only reason we even know the semi-truck’s paint job is because we saw a drive by.

S: Yeah. Uh, the Autobots show up in an alley where they meet up with uh, Bee, Sam, and Mikaela.

O: Optimus transforms, he's a Kenworth W900 truck in the live-action series.  Which looks somewhat different from his design from the cartoon which was based on a Freightliner WFT-8664T.

S: To make this more confusing they used an entirely different [truck] model while filming, but we're going with uh, Hasbro’s official answer here.

O: Namely, the Freightliner was a cab over truck and the Kenworth isn't.  It's a more traditional semi that you see stateside anyway.

S: He introduces the rest of the bots and their robot modes are also terrible.

O: Jazz apparently learned to speak from the Internets and knows the lingo.

S: Well, presumably they all did.  I think Jazz is the one who actually paid attention.

O: Yeah.

S: Ironhide, our weapons expert.

O: “I blow shit up!”

S: And [uneasy laugh] welcome to one of our least favorite lines ever and it's Ratchet’s introduction no less.

O: And I quote, “The boy’s pheromone levels suggest he wants to mate with the female.”

S: [quietly] Oh god.  Ugh...

O: I'd like to remind you all that Ratchet is uh, Specs’ favorite G1 character.  So this is particularly ughhh. [laughs] I’m so sorry.  Not like my faves really go- are handled any better to be fair, except maybe Soundwave.

S: We've also got to make it clear that he can't fix Bee.  So Ratchet zaps him with something or whatever.

O: They just need Powerglide to fix him, obviously!  With his magical ray of healing.

S: Yeah that'd probably do the trick.  Optimus puts on a laser light show to explain the plot to Sam.  And I mean, the laser light show was cool but... this seems like a really weird-

O: Weird place to do it?  But uh, he's Optimus Fucking Prime, he does what he wants.

S: This is all funnier to listen to once you realize just how young the Bayverse versions of Transformers are compared to their counterparts in any other continuity.  Optimus is like 10,000 years old, tops? Compared to the G1 versions, where everyone's like, millions of years old.

O: I would love to see G1 Megs’ reaction to us.  “You're how old!?! Sparklings! Why are sparklings in charge!?!”

S: Why are babies fighting?  Oh my god it's the baby war.

O: [singing to the tune of Muppet Babies] ~Robot babies!~ [laughs]

S: Oh god, the fact that there are actually, at least, a few crossovers that's basically Transformers babies.  Where they basically took a concept of Muppet Babies and did it with Transformers.

O: Oh lord, oh lord. Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

S: Cause it’s- yeah, Megatron is Meggy.

O: [sighs]

S: I read those-

O: No.

S: -way back-

O: No.  I refuse to believe those exists.

S: [starts laughing]

O: I live in a world where those don’t exist because I haven’t seen them yet, and I don’t have object permanence!

B: [laugh]

S: Unfortunately, I can introduce you to things that will make you regret this fandom.

O: You would!  YOU WOULD! [laughs]

S: I’ve in this fandom since like, 2002!

O: You’re like, “Bitch, I been in this fandom for decades!”

S: Well, definitely more than decade at this point.  It will be two decades of-um, in like three years.

O: [laughs]

S: Optimus continues to explain that Megatron basically destroyed Cybertron.

O: Oh sure, blame Megatron for this.  Nevermind what we learn about Sentinel Prime later.

S: And in any case it takes two to tango, so…

O: Uh-huh.

S: It may not have been good if they've just rolled over and let Megatron do whatever the hell he wanted but…

O I don't really trust this Optimus either, soooo, you know.

S: Yeah.  It’s a war, both sides are going to do... a lot of shit.

O: Yup.

S: We get a bit better look at Megatron's design in the flashback, as Optimus continues to explain.

O: Thanks!  I hate it.

S: Megatron here just looks like a bipedal bag of knives.

O: And that sounds like the world's worst cryptid!

S: Optimus tell Sam um, that he may be Earth's only hope.

O: Help me Whitwicky, you're my only hope!

S: What a depressing hope.

O: Definitely!  So now it's time for the plot glasses, which apparently were imprinted with the coordinates for the AllSpark when Sam's great granddad whatever found Megatron.

S: I don't understand the mechanism that did this.

O: I don't either, just roll with it.

S: [sighs]

O: The movie is.

S: [groans] You know, the Decepticons could have literally just bid on the fucking auction for the glasses.

O: And I refuse to believe that, that is not exactly what Soundwave would have done if he was here, because that is the perfectly reasonable plan.

S: Or you know, literally just sending Frenzy to infiltrate his house.  Anything would have been better than what actually happened.

O: Pretty much.  But eBay!

S: That would have- it would have been way funnier if Soundwave had done the, you know, bidding on eBay robot- the robot war is literally a bidding war.

O: Yeah, and less things would have blown up. Michael Bay would have died from lack of explosions, but I- I think that's the price I'm willing to pay.

S: [sighs] Maggie and Glen get brought to the uh, Pentagon... maybe?  They're in some sort of holding cell waiting for interrogation.

O: Yeah... I get- I- I think it's the Pentagon, I'm not actually sure.

S: And then Glen proceeds to eat all the doughnuts that were left in um, left there.  And they're delicious, delicious looking doughnuts.

O: [Homer Simpson intonenation] Emmm, doughnut.   And now driving through a quiet suburban neighborhood, late at night- all of the Autobots!

S:  [sighs] Sam tries to convince the Autobots to stay outside and stay quiet, while he goes inside and tries to find the glasses.  And he's actually um, reasonably polite and respectful about this, considering the situation.

O: Eh... but the Autobots are super impatient.

S: [sighs] And Sam’s dad continues to be an asshole.  Basically moaning about how he spent all his money on a car for Sam, and now Sam gets home late and he had to do all of Sam's chores.  Like the KIND person that he is.

O: So instead of you know, just doing something nice for your kid you're going to just- stand out here, at the screen door, having a dick-measuring contest with your teenage fucking son.  Granted it is pretty fucking hysterical that Optimus and the rest are sneaking around the yard while Sam is desperately trying to be like, “No dad, I got this, you don't need to come out here, it’s fine!”

S: [sharp intake of breath] God, if Sam's dad had actually gone outside.

O: [laughs]

S: How the hell would that have worked?  I mean if he'd had booze or something or he had-  he has like-

O: He just looks at the wine glass and walks back inside.

S: [sharp intake of breath] “I've had too much to drink, I'm going to bed.”

O: [laughs]

S: Cuz all of the Autobot stuff is in the background.

O: Of course, they're stepping on things, knocking things over, the whole works.

S: Why didn't they just stay in car mode?

O: It’s a valid question.  I really don't think Optimus would be this much of an idiot and it makes the Autobots all look like assholes who aren't listening to the person who's trying to help them, and what he's asking them to do.

S: And then to make it worse, Ironhide pulls out his gun and aims it at Sam's dog.

O: Which is what, the equivalent are pulling at a freaking pistol cuz a bug landed on you?  What the hell, man!?!

S: Though Ironhide saying, “Bad mojo!” after Sam prompts him is pretty funny.  And the reason why he pulls out the uh, the big guns is because Sam's dog... pees on him.

O: Yep!  But seriously, this is the dumbest plan guys.

S: Yeah, the Autobots have been waiting all this time and apparently they can't sit still for five minutes, because they're all like, giant toddlers.

O:  [singing to the tune of Muppet Babies] ~Robot babies!~ [laughs]

S: [sighs] Transformers babies.  I- I am seriously debating finding that and throwing it at you.

O: You're just- you just want to hurt me.

S: I showed you good stuff!

O: Anyway, Optimus lifts Mikaela up into Sam's room and they both began rummaging around his room to find the glasses.

S: Sam shoos Mikaela away from a certain area in his room and um-

O: That's his porn, that's his porn stash.

S: [sighs] So I guess that's what he was referring to earlier.

O: Probably.

S: And now all of the Autobots are in car mode, in the backyard.  Except they've already done a shitload of damage.

O: Um-hm.

S: Except apparently Ratchet... isn't in car mode.  Cuz he uh-

O: Or he transforms from car mode?

S: Yeah cuz he, uh... he walks into a transformer, a power transformer.

O: Ugh, I'm just not fond of the VA they picked for him here.  I know Prime wasn't out yet, but that guy, we need that guy [Jeffrey Combs] here.  I love [that] Ratchet’s voice.

S: So when Ratchet walked into the power transformer, he knocked out the power.  He fell down I was like, “Oh! That was a kick, that was fun.”

O: [laughs]

Because apparently getting shocked for Transformers feels all tingly and fun.

O: [laughs] I mean…

S: Uh, and so- so at this point, the power is out, Sam's parents think that there's an earthquake cuz Ratchet fell down and made you know, shit happen and then they duck under- well, Sam's dad ducks under a table.  His mom is just like, “How did you get over there so fast?”

O: [laughs] I do enjoy that they're like, “Bring the wine!”  Cuz if they're gonna die, they're gonna die happy.

S: They’re all a little slooshed up at this point.

O: They- they are. [laughs]

S: And then Sam's parents uh, head upstairs to check on Sam and bang on his door.

O: And we present to you, the most awkward conversation ever captured in cinema!

S: Sam's parents are like, “Hey, uh, why was your door locked?  There aren’t- no doors are locked in this house,” and uh, decide to assume uh, masturbation was what was going on.

O: I did not need. [Clears throat] I did not need, or want to hear his mom call it, ”Sam’s special alone time”!  Just no. All the no. NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!

S: Ironhide asks Optimus if you can shoot them.

O: PLEASE!!!  [dissolves into laughter]  Optimus is like, “No, what's wrong with you!?!”

S: Yeah, and then all of the Autobots are trying to avoid being seen.  So, it's like they're attempting to do a Jenga with the house and they're all scrunched up- around and under Sam's window listening in and it's actually a pretty neat shot.

O: It's pretty funny.  Mercifully, Mikaela saves us from this insanity by stepping out and introducing herself.  So yeah, I think they're just gonna assume they were doing the horizontal mambo, if you know what I mean!

S: His parents apologize that she may have heard their ‘family discussion’.

O: Oh, is that what you're calling talking about your son’s WANKING OFF HABITS!?!

S: [sighs] Your son’s sex life, or lack thereof.

O: Why did you do this to me movie!?!

S: And this is where the federal agents come in.

O: OH THANK GOD!  And we have our main asshole FBI guy- oh sorry, I mean Sector Seven guy, Agent Simmons, JOY.

S: Sam's parents take issue with all of this.  Particularly his mom, who's mad that they're messing up their plants. Oh, and at some point, the father looked outside and was like, “Ah!  The earthquake destroyed all my shit!”

O: [laughs] Cuz he thinks the earthquake did it.

S: And at this point I think Sam's mom's gonna be really unhappy when she realizes just how much damage the Autobots did…

O: Yeah, Optimus stepped on her flowerbed.

S: Yeah.  And then the Sector Seven people want to take Sam away.

O: Personally, I think they can just, you know, have him!  Can we follow Mikaela for the rest of the movie instead, please?

S: Unfortunately, Mikaela gets brought along too.

O: Sam, his parents, and Mikaela are shoved into some cars by the Sector Seven guys.

S: Oh, and the reason that the uh, the Sector Seven people know to take Sam is that they have some sort of uh, thing that reads radiation and Simmons-

O: And he dropped his cell phone, or the cops still had it, so they [Sector Seven] now have his cell phone.

S: That's true.

O: And his recording of Bee, and him talking.

S: Yeah.

O: And him saying his car is alive.

S: Yeah, but they also have a thing that like, reads the radiation.  So Sam and Mikaela unfortunately, are now probably irradiated... somehow.  Which may or may not give them a very good life expectancy. And oh, Sam's terrible eBay user name gets mentioned again.

O: And you totally see Mikaela roll her eyes at it too.

S: Oh yeah, and they apparently have Sam's phone as you mentioned.  Which is how they tracked him down, and when asked about his ‘stolen’ car Sam says, “It came back.”

O: Right!  Doesn’t your car come back when it's stolen, Specs?

S: No, it's not a boomerang.  Though I suppose if a thief stole it [and] they decided it was super shitty they’d return it because-

O: I feel like they wouldn't even return it.

S: Or it just turns up again, like a block away.

O: I would be more willing to believe that.

S: I think I've seen stuff about that happening, but I don’t know.  Agent Simmons decides to lord his authority over them by uh, showing his badge and declaring it a, “I can do whatever I want and get away with it,” badge.

O: More like an asshole badge!

S: He also starts uh, to threaten Mikaela's dad.

O: Because as previously stated, he is a fucking asshole.  It's not even like Mikaela's got much to do with any of this to begin with.

S: People with power are just assholes-

O: Pretty much.

S: -a lot of the time.  And of course, it's um, prime time to bring up Mikaela's criminal record, because fuck you Simmons.

O: And Sam has the nerve to be horrified when finding out about this.

S: Sam you jackass.  You privileged, rich, white boy.

O: Yup.

S: And then the car is picked up and the- the uh, roof is ripped off by Optimus, once they’re in a suitably isolated area.

O: Optimus then kneels down, has an entire conversation with agent Simmons and Co.

S: He gets mad and tells them to get out of the car.

O: What’s left of it you mean?

S: I mean, it probably runs, maybe?

O: [laughs] He took off- like, the entire top half of it off!

S: Yes, but that- that's a not the part that keeps it from running.

O: And dropped it quite a ways.

S: Yeah... that's true, I don't know.  Mikaela finally tells Sam off for shitty comments about her criminal record earlier by asking him, “When have you ever had to give up anything in your perfect little life?”  Mikaela has a criminal record because she wouldn't rat out her dad.

O: Yeah, which- and depending on how old she is this should not have really even been legal to begin with.

S: Yeah.

O: Like, this like, I’m- I'm assuming this happened sometime between when she was 8 and 12 and it means that somebody chose to basically to prosecute her at a higher age bracket.  [My logic for this is that there’s a comment about him not always having been able to afford a babysitter for her so I assume she wouldn’t have been old enough to stay home by herself, but take that with a grain of salt.  ~O]

S: Yeah.

O: Which is shitty.  But, that statement, that line, is the most accurate description of Sam.  Here is a person who comes from privilege, he stumbles upon events that bestow him even more privilege and he acts entitled- so, so very entitled, during it all.

S: Yup, and then we get the part where Bumblebee pees on Agent Simmons.

O: [sighs]

S: [sighs]  It’s just like, whyyyyy?

O: Does this mean he's low on those fluids now?  Is Ratchet gonna have to top him off later? And why is that there?  I mean why does it exist at all sure, but specifically, why is it where a dick would be on a person!?!

S: Yeah, why is it framed like that?  From the perspective of the person being peed on?

O: [sighs] I don't know, but now that his friends are here Sam is going to be as douchey as possible because he orders Simmons to remove his pants.

S: And according to his under clothes or at least his undershirt, Sector Seven sells or has branded clothing items available for their agents.

O: The Autobots leave but, oh no!  They [the agents] were on the phone the whole time.

S: [sighs] Meaning, backup arrives shortly thereafter and the Autobots proceed to hide under a bridge.  Optimus carrying Mikaela and Sam in his arms.

O: Just putting this out there, but I too would like to be carried in Optimus’ big, strong arms.

S: Carried in his gentle, strong hands.  Though I mean, preferably G1 Optimus, or one of the other Optimuses.

O: Yeah, yeah, just not this Optimus.  I want the Optimus from Prime, he seems like a very calm, kind guy to give me a ride on her shoulders, that sounds nice.

S: I'll take G1 Optimus, he's a- he's very dad shaped.

O: He is the most dad shaped.

S: I'd also accept Animated Optimus.

O: Yeah... yeah, he seems nice.

S: Maybe Cyberverse, well I don't know.

O: He seems like, unsure dad shaped, and I can deal with that.

S: Yeah, and I'll leave out all the other Optimi.  Though maybe Optimus Primal might be good for a hug.

O: He would be great for a hug.  Unfortunately, they're not that much bigger than people so it would not be the same kind of ride in his big, strong arms.

S: [laughs] He’s more-

O: It still sounds nice but-

S: -more of a piggyback ride.

O: Yeah.

S: And to get away from our uh, hugging and carrying uh, discourse- there's just so many explosions happening right now.

O: Sure, don't worry about those roads or infrastructure, this is fine.

S: Oh no, Sam and Mikaela almost fell, but don't worry Optimus has slowed their descent with [laughs] his nice soft foot.

O: I guess that this is the one thing they kept from G1, huh?

S: Yeah.

O: [laugh]

S: And apparently Cybertronians are weak to ice and electricity now.  Except... didn't Ratchet think that the power-

O: Think that the electricity was nice?  I don't know, but Bumblebee gets the crap beaten out of him by the Sector Seven guys.

S: Oh my god, maybe Ratchet’s… [starts laughing]

O: Nope, nope, I think I know what went through your head and we’re not going there.  It was disturbing when Bee got hurt, okay!?!

S: [continued laughter with increasing volume]

O: [laughs] I mean I’m sure Drift would be into it, but that’s not the point!

S: [sustained laughter continues]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image with Starscream and Megatron getting caught up in an explosion, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: [high pitched laughter continues]

[The laughter is cut off, and the same technical difficulties message and elevator music from before returns.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: I am under control again. [laughs]

O: ANYWAY, Bumblebee gets the crap beat out of him by the Sector Seven guys, it's more than a little disturbing.

S: Keep in mind that before this we really only had uh, G1 and Beast Wars as like, the main well-known Transformers things.  I mean maybe Beast Machines?

O: Eh, Beast Wars, Beast Machines, I end to count them together, since they're in the same continuity even though they're different series, but- but I know what you mean, sorry.

S: Yeah, it's just those ones would have been the ones that most people- that would have stuck out in like, the main- I don’t know, cultural hive mind, probably.  Cuz I don't think like, any of the animes would have made that much of a dent.

O: Yeah.

S: So uh, hopefully you enjoy watching your fav get tortured by the US government.

O: And the way this is framed, because Bee doesn't have a working voice box, really comes across that they're like, taking something from Sam.  Not that Sam is worried about his friend! Bee is just treated like property, by both the plot and the framing. And this is in such a stark contrast to the Bumblebee movie.  Where even though he couldn't talk, even though he was a CG character, he still felt like an actual character.

S: Yeah, in the Bumblebee movie, Bumblebee actually had an emotional arc.  When Charlie first sees him, she treats him like a person that needs care and kindness.  He- he still couldn't talk- like, he was immediately showing recognizable and understandable emotions.

O: And body language.

S: Mm-hmm, and then there's Bumblebee in this one where he can't talk, but he's just an asshole and he's gonna pee on things.

O: And you're my new best friend, and I'm gonna keep you safe, you know- just like a fucking guard dog.

S: [sighs]

O: Bee, story wise in relation to Sam, is treated more like a pet, and it is weird.

S: Yeah.  Simmons catches up with the two of them and Bee, continuing to be an asshole and taking another pot shot at Mikaela as they're being taken away.

O: And they're just going to ignore the other Autobots in the distance apparently.

S: Yep, they're still hiding under the bridge.  They're all tucked away under that bridge, which is apparently uh, enough to keep them from being spotted by helicopters.  Oh, and apparently the um- while the Autobots couldn't be bothered about the flower beds before, Optimus can see and gently pick up the plot glasses that Sam uh, well basically Sam lost them when they fell and Optimus caught them with his soft foot.

O: Yes.  And then army talk, army talk, army talk, boy let me tell ya... just how much I do not care.

S: And then the Secretary of Defense was apparently unaware of Sector Seven’s existence until now because he didn't need to know about them.

O: You know, copying Independence Day only with him instead of the president.

S: [sighs] Sector Seven is a special access division of the government created by President Hoover.  Hm...

O: And at Nellis Air Force Base, Lennox and his team are intercepted before they can head home.  Basically they're voluntold they're gonna help with this alien robot crisis.

S: Yup.  And the Secretary of Defense's meeting with the Sector Seven guys and intends to bring Maggie with them.

O: This whole scene feels very much like, “Yes, and…”  The Secretary of Defense wants Maggie to be his adviser, but when Glen asks if he is coming too and the Secretary of Defense asks, “Who is this?” Maggie just responds “He's my advisor,” and he [the Secretary of Defense] just goes with it, brings Glen along too.

S: Glen's getting the ride of a lifetime.

O: Yup!

S: I guess.

O: And finally, we get some of our separate plot threads to come together as Sam, Mikaela, Maggie, Glen, and the Secretary of Defense are now loaded up in the same helicopter and head to the Hoover Dam.

S: Weren't Maggie and the Secretary of Defense and Glen in goddamn Washington DC?

O: Yes.  Yeah.

S: Kill me now.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] Poor Mikaela, she just looks so tired and done with everything.

O: You just know she hasn't slept all night.

S: Honestly they probably got shoved in a holding cell, so no.

O: Yeah, and then shoved on a helicopter.

S: Yeah, here's some more Bumblebee tortured before cutting back to the Autobots talking about how they must go on and they can sense that the AllSpark is near.

O: With what?  Your bullshit radar!?!

S: Maybe they can sense it with their pheromone detectors.

O: Ratchet, what can your robot eye-

S: [laughs]

O: Ratchet what can your robot nose smell?  Frenzy is tiny, and up to shenanigans.

S: It's time to break into the Hoover Dam!

O: So just getting back to this, because the movie really, really wants to bring this home, Sam can't possibly go out with someone with a juvie record.  He wouldn't you know, want a date below his class, or marry below his class, or god forbid fuck below his class, right?

S: Sam you asshole.

O: Yup!

S: And boom, we have a Megatron.

O: Thanks, I hate it.

S: Still frozen, and presumably unconscious and offline.

O: Sector Seven’s been keeping him on ice for a while apparently.

S: Yeah, and apparently a good chunk of modern technological advancements since the thirties has been due to humans studying Megatron.  Oh god, now I'm just thinking about mechanical television. Did mechanical television come from Megatron?

O: Sure.  Sure. Why not, why not?  “Yes, and.”

S: Simmons continues to antagonize the group.  Who...who isn't a jackass in this group?

O: [sighs] Like, look, I don't like Sam but maybe Simmons, as the fucking adult needs to get his dick out of his hands and stop getting into Sam's personal space.  It's creepy!

S: Honestly, a lot of the adult men in this movie are just creepy.

O: Yeah.

S: I mean, Lennox and Epps and the soldiers-

O: Aren’t-

S: - don’t seem to be creepy but...

O: Yeah.

S: Most of them, most of them-

O: Yeah, like his dad is shitty like... well- I guess Glen and the Secretary of Defense aren't bad?

S: Yeah, but they don't get a whole lot of screen time and also one of them's over 60.

O: That’s also true.  Anyway, it is explained that the AllSpark was hidden and that they built the Hoover Dam around it.

S: How did the Native Americans in the area not know about it?

O: Maybe it was underwater?  If it was visible they absolutely would have but I wouldn't put it past the Army or Sector Seven, or whoever, to conveniently ignore that fact.

S: But, um, would have been a river before the dam was put in and-

O: Obviously, Specs, you’re forgetting how deep rivers are.

S: The fact that you actually spent time looking to attempt to look this up-

O: I tried, and I could not find a straight answer! [laughs]

S: Well, it’s not exactly like they were going around do river measuring in that time period is it?

O: No... I’m still sad I couldn't find a straight answer though.

S: And I mean, who knows, maybe they accidentally made it a huge afterward.

O: I- I do think that would legitimately be funny, is like, some scientist poked it the wrong way and now it's like, “Oops, it just takes up the entire hanger now, sorry guys.”

S: [laughs] It’s like, “Oh shit.  Oh shit, I'm glad it didn't crush me.”

O: Yeah.

S: [sigh] The AllSpark just has random powers.

O: Frenzy now has a body again.

S: Yeah, Frenzy, uh- Frenzy was taken along this entire time in Mikaela's bag, I think?

O: Yeah, pretty much.  Like, he got out of her bag and sort of crawled into Hoover- the Hoover Dam.

S: Yeah, and he's able to signal the rest of the Decepticons with the Megatron's location and then we get to see them finally begin to mobilize.

O: And now, an hour and 40 minutes into this movie, we have a Starscream.  There is no power on heaven or Earth that can make me believe that that is his holoform.  Mark my words, I don't care if IDW never gave him the holoform, but his holoform form would be female, and no one can stop me.

S: [sighs] And then more on the AllSpark’s plethora of abilities, apparently they can use it to turn random electronics into Transformers.  Which... the Autobots would probably consider kind of horrifying, because these are babies and now the babies are dead.

O: Yep.

S: Simmons proceeds to demo this for us by taking Glen's cell phone and zapping it's to life.

O: I will forever be confused for this, why does it seem like the AllSpark always makes stuff that's evil?

S: I mean it's a baby.

O: I know, but it has red optics, I feel like we have to assume it's a Decepticon.

S: Maybe the Decepticons are the last people who had it if they'd programmed it for red optics-

O: [laughs] So you’re telling me it’s stuck on the make evil setting?  Got it.

S: It’s possible!  I don't know how this works, and it’s not like we're gonna get a demonstration of it later, considering what happens.

O: Yeah, yeah…

S: And Simmons proceeds to kill this little phone Transformer by basically electrocuting the shit out of it.

O: We create life, then we kill it, but we're the good guys remember!  And now, finally, Dorito-scream has been achieved!

S: It's just so triangular.

O: I don't know why Starscream looks like a giant flying Dorito in this-

S: It might-

O: -but I find it hilarious.

S: It might be his color scheme… partially.

O: He doesn’t really have a color scheme.

S: Yes, but-

O: It’s just he’s so triangular!

S: Yes, but he's also kind of beige.

O: Eh, you’re right, that doesn’t really help things.  Uh, Frenzy manages to take out the power for Sector Seven’s facilities.

S: How does a dam lose power considering in generates power?

O: I don’t know, Specs.

S: Sorry, I mean, I guess it's possible that he could, like basically prevent water from going through the dam by freezing something, but…

O: I think he actually just started destroying the mechanical stuff, so like the generators and stuff.  It's now time to defrost our Decepticon warlord on high.

S: Frenzy is getting busy in the control room again- again blowing all of the shit up, and then all of the scientists in the main bay when Megatron is being held seem like, super unfazed by the deep thaw that's starting.

O: You guys need to run.  I have zero doubts that Megatron won't kill you out of sheer spite.

S: Yup.  Did you know that there was a whole armoury of bullshit under the Hoover Dam?  Because of all- the soldiers are like, “Pass the guns! Give me that buffet of guns and ammo!”

O: And Lennox is kind of done with Simmons, because uh, yeah uh, violence is uh, implied. I'm so glad that this movie is all violence, no character development, or emotions, or feelings  We don't have feeling Specs, because we are sex having heterosexual men! Hetero men who have sex with women, never mind that G1 is one of the least straight things I've ever seen in my life!

S: To be fair to the soldiers they did not sign up for this bullshit, and then they got dragged into and all they wanted to do was go home.

O: And-and look, I would be pretty upset about being shoved into the same room as Agent Simmons.  So yeah, I can't blame them too much.

S: Yeah.

O: They go to retrieve Bumblebee.

S: And Sam's like, “Stop electrocuting my car!”  Not even, “Stop electrocuting that guy.” “Stop electrocuting my car.”

O: Of course!  And Bumblebee just gives a him a look like, “Dude, I have had the shittiest day.”

S: Yup, and poor dude is like, super jumpy and paranoid but I mean who wouldn't- who wouldn't be?

O: I- yeah, I mean considering he was tortured all night- he's got ever right!  I still legitimately don't know what catching Bee accomplished!

S: I don't think it accomplished shit except getting him to this location, which I guess was the plot contrivance.  And now we've got the magical size changing cube.  As Bumblebee touches the AllSpark and like, pokes it a bit and then suddenly it is like hand-sized, for him.

O: Even their spark of life can mass shift apparently.

S: Oh god. [snickers] It's from a planet of shapeshifters.  Apparently mass shifting is just what this stupid thing does.

O: Apparently.

S: Everybody can just understand Bee now, this is fine.  And, oh, Bee’s been talking in like, radio and music references this entire time, and I don't think we ever mentioned that.

O: [laughs] You're right I don't think we did.  He isn't talking normally, he's using recordings.

S: He talks TV, basically.

O: Pretty much. Well, asshole’s up!  “This is not where I fell asleep, I'll have you know!”

S: He’s a lot less uh, he's a lot less of a morning person than Skyfire was.

O: [laughs]

S: Skyfire was much more genteel about the entire thing.

O: [laughs]

S: Megatron's a jet in this, so we’re- you know just so we're all on the same page here.  He meets up with his second-in-command Dorito-san.

O: [laughing] Dorito-san!?!

S: [laughing] Sorry... He meets up with his second-in-command, you know, the Dorito.

B: [laugh]

O: There's some groveling that happens.  Megatron tells Starscream he's disappointed in him and all I can think is- he didn't even do anything yet!

S: Apparently he couldn't find Megatron, which I guess is what he's disappointed in.

O: I guess?  “Do you realize I had to listen to... Francois talk about his- his terrible wife for three weeks, do you realize that [Starscream]!?!”

S: Simmons, the Secretary of Defense, Maggie, and Glen uh, remain behind when everyone else heads out to go to... stuff.  So while everyone else is going and doing stuff the- [sighs] the dam crew, that's what I'm going to call them.

O: [laughs] Okay, okay, I’m here for this.

S: They attempt to contact the Air Force, to try and get some you know, backup for Bee and company.

O: They do this by using some very antiquated equipment, because the Cons have knocked out most communication worldwide.

S: Which is not explored in this movie, let alone any others.

O: Yeah, because this would be like a thing that should affect everybody.

S: Yes, there goes-

O: Or at least everybody in the in the US.

S: Yeah, frankly I'm kind of- well, no, apparently landlines don't work and I don't understand why.

O: I don't either.

S: But yeah, cuz this- this would have wiped out... literally every communication except apparently shortwave radio.  But apparently, yeah, shortwave radio will still work. Which is what they're attempting to use here. They get the brilliant idea to hotwire a computer to transmit a tone through a radio signal, while they're trying to hold off Frenzy who is trying to get into the room that they're- that they’ve holed themselves up in.  Which... it's a weird, weird room.

O: It is, but now back to how sexy the cars are!  Look at the car, so sexy!

S: Why is everything so orange?  I will bemoan the orange!

O: We can’t have no girly colors in here conveying emotions, Specs!  Look at the cars!

S: [sighs] And the Autobots immediately join up with Bee, it's convoy time!

O: [attempts to sing] We're gonna roll this truckin convoy- oh god that’s the right tune.  I even looked it up!

S: Oh!  I've got it on my phone.

[The audio cuts and “Convoy,” by C. W. McCall plays]

B: [singing] “We have a little ol’ convoy, burning through the night!  Yeah, we got a little convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight? Come on and join our convoy!  Ain't nothin' gonna get in our way. We gonna roll this truckin' convoy 'cross the U-S-A. Convoy!”

[The audio cuts as a record scratch noise plays]

O: That’s enough of a music break!

B: [laugh]

S: Ah, Maggie and company began to arm themselves with some of the older guns um, from the display cases in the room they're stuck in.

O: Oh yeah, I'm sure those will shoot just fine!

S: Where did they even find the ammo or…?

O: Yeah!  Because why would the ammo be stored with most of the stuff that's on display?

S: I mean that thing- I mean like, having the ammo for interest but yeah, why would they have ammo or even gun powder in this room?  [quietly] I don’t know. [normal volume] And then it's back to Bee again.

O: Wow, I just don't care!  Even the G1 episodes, where they were constantly swapping back and forth between a bunch of different scenes, are better than this.

S: Those typically have more things happening in them.

O: Surprisingly, yes.  I'd much rather watch Megatron throw shit at Starscream.

S: Honestly, that's more cohesive.

O: And that is saying something.

S: Okay, so one of the Decepticons, Bonecrusher, catches up with the Bots and Optimus transforms into a robot mode to protect the others.

O: He just seems like such an asshole here, they're literally fighting on a highway.  There are so many people that must die here!

S: Yeah, I mean, I'm kind of amused by how it looks like their roller-skating but that doesn't exactly take away from the- oh, there's a terrifying robot deathmatch and so many people are dying.

O: Yeah and but- but thanks Bay!  I'm so glad that this one kid and his mom survived.  Thanks for that.

S: God, so many people probably need therapy in this universe.

O: I would think so.

S: Frenzy is now in the vents.

O: Good boy, you go get ‘em!  Even if the B team is definitely the better… group.

S: He comes out and falls so straight onto a glass case, uh-

O: That's my boy!

B: [laugh]

S: Like, he's using shuriken things, like he was using a shuriken things before, but now he's been like boomerang- boomeranging shit around and he accidentally beheads himself with his boomerang shuricane- shuriken thingy.

O: That's my boy! [laughs] So interestingly (to me anyway), it seems like this- the movie series uh, kind of made the whole- the whole integrated weapon thing for the Transformers more common.  I know you saw it a bit in G1, but it seemed kind of inconsistent in either how it worked or what weapons they had. Ironhide, just Ironhide, right?

S: Mm-hm.

O: Um, but- but this made it more consistent, like especially in Prime you- you saw that consistency and thought applied to the weapons and how that- they access them throughout the entire series, which was really nice.

S: It was also pretty consistent with Animated, which I think came out around the same time as this movie though I don't remember if it was prior to the movie being released or afterward.  

[TFA was released in December of 2007, whereas the first Transformers live action film had been released in July 2007. ~O]

O: Well, and I mean, either, or- either the movie borrowed from it, or it borrowed from the movie with Megatron kind of being that thing that advanced tech for-

S: Yeah.

O: -for humanity, which was just kind of weird, but yeah.

S: Or they both borrowed it from the comics, and then just made it consistent because they do have pretty integrated weaponry in the original Marvel comics.

O: That- that's true I-I meant- I thought you meant the uh, Megatron being- being why we had any technological advancement-

S: Oh-

O: -and I was really confused for a good minute.

S: No, no, no, no, sorry, just the-the integrated weaponry.

O: Fair.

S: Though [laughs] Animated did that Megatron’s the reason that they have-

O: Yeah!  That- that like, New Detroit or Detroit has like all this like, amazing tech.

S: Our convoy enters Mission City, and prepares to hold off the Decepticons to prevent them from getting the AllSpark.

O: Why did they bring this into a city?

S: I don't know, no one explains their shitty decisions here.

O: It gets weirder because apparently, when they were writing or making the movie there- they originally have thought to have the climax in the Grand Canyon.  Which seems like that would make a lot more sense? Like, sure, there's less coverage per se, but way less civilian life in danger!

S: It would have also involved like, immense environmental destruction but that’s not something they would have been concerned about.

O: I just don’t see- I don't see how that would have been more work then the city.

S: They may have had issues actually getting- well no, they could have done it all in green screen but…

O: Anyway, we've contacted the Air Force, so the dam team has succeeded.

S: [laughs]

O: Uh, Lennox and his dudes communicate what they need.

S: Oh honey, that's not the Air Force.  That's really not the Air Force.

O: But only Ironhide seems to realize it's actually Starscream that's approaching.

S: Bee uses a random... well, it's got a Furby on it, so it's the Furby delivery truck as cover.

O: Starscream shoots said truck and send everyone flying.  Everyone else is covered in dirt and grime here- and I mean technically so is Mikaela, but she has an almost angelic glow about her when she wakes up in a pile of rubble looking at Sam.  Sam also has an angelic glow because remember, he gonna hit that.

S: [sharp intake of breath] Uh-huh, Bumblebee has lost his legs in the last attack.

O: And Bumblebee is basically half a bot, let's keep that in our back pocket for later shall we?

S: Yeah.  Mikaela being the badass lady that she is like, “ We're gonna move Bee!  We're going to get this done!” And proceeds to break into and hotwire a tow truck to do just that.

O: Go Mikaela. Bee gives the AllSpark to Sam and conveys to him that he should go on without him basically.

S: And then another Decepticon um, Demolisher, shows up and uh, Ironhide, Ratchet and Jazz engage him.  And I think Demolisher’s a tank?

O: Yeah… and I think that one [the tank] was Demolisher?  I think this is something that really frustrates me about Sam though,  so much what happening- what is happening around him seems rooted in the sense of self sacrifice, but yet he doesn't ever have to sacrifice anything?

S: Like, the only things that he might theoretically have to sacrifice could be his life.  And he never does that, he's never even like, even remotely close to doing something like that except by accident.

O: Exactly.

S: By like, falling off a building.

O: Yeah, like it's never, “I'm going to-,” it never feels like, “I am going to choose to do this thing.”

S: Yeah, and then random boob and ass shot from some random lady who's in danger.

O: And I'm not judging her for what she's wearing, but you just know she got put in that outfit and put into that shot for one reason which was titillation and I'm like, did you have to?  In a movie about giant robots, did you have to?

S: It's only theoretically about giant robots, you know it's about Sam-

O: [sighs] Yeah...

S: and his boner.

O: [quietly] Boner of fate.

S: [high pitched laughter]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image of one of the Conehead Seekers in a t-rex’s jaws, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: Megatron lands, and you know, shouts his own name.

O: Why are you- why did he do that!?!  Is he a Pokemon now? “Megatron! MEGATRON!” [laughs]

S: He’s got to announce his presence.

O: [still laughing] Obviously!

S: Poor Jazz attacks Megatron, and Megatron grabs him before flying off and landing on top of a building.

O: And then he rips Jazz in two.

S: Poor Jazz will not survive this.

O: Remember what I said earlier?

S: About Bee?

O: Yeah. [sighs] You- you brought up a good point prior, technically Bee only lost his legs from the knee down, but I'm just gonna say, they are giant fucking robots and I still don't feel like Jazz should have died here.  Also, according to the TF Wiki there was some point during development when Megatron was going to literally, not figuratively, literally, eat other bots’ sparks, so if that had been what had happened- Jazz being dead would have made a lot more sense!

S: How in a movie about alien freaking robots does Bay manage to kill the metaphorical black guy first?  Why?

O: I don't know why he killed anyone here!  We've barely gotten to see the robots at all!

S: Apparently, we have to make uh, make there be some sort of... I don't know, people are dying, this stuff is really real.  Except... no, they use the guy who's- basically Jazz's speech patterns are close- are I don't know, AAVE? American… African-American Vernacular, I think?

O: Eh, it’s- he's coded African American because of his speech patterns-

S: Yeah.

O: -is probably, how I would know-

S: The way, yes-

O: -the best way to say it?  And I'm just super sorry if that's not accurate.

S: Yeah, we- we apologize if this is inaccurate and offends anyone.  It isn't our intention.

O: Yeah.  But- but yeah, like effectively, [sighs] he, ugh, it’s just literally he- he killed the black guy.  I know he's not literally a black guy, but- but that is how he has been characterized.

S: That's just... that's how it feels.

O: Yeah.

S: And back to Dumbass McGee.  Sam is tasked with taking the AllSpark to the top of this building, so that they can hand it off to the Air Force.

O: Did they miss the whole Megatron and Starscream have jet alts bit?

S: I'm gonna go with, yes.

O: Apparently, okay.  Just checking.

S: Everyone is a very, very disrespectful, like they're fucking disrespectful as fuck to Mikaela and no one gives Sam shit but Mikaela trying to get Bee out of the way invites comments.

O: Golly, I wonder why!

S: And Optimus finally arrives.

O: What took him so long!?!

S: He got lost!  He fell off a highway and wasn't sure which way everyone else went, and also, with all the you know, internet and Wi-Fi and everything knocked out, he didn't have any GPS.

O: [laughs] That is the best excuse- that’s the best explanation I've heard. Headcannon accepted!

S: It’s not like he's driven around there before, and I don't think he has Ratchet’s nose. [laughs]

O: No, no, no, nope, uh-hm-

S: [continues laughing]

O: - nope that’s it, I’m leaving!

S: [continues laughing]

O: I’m done, I’me done! [unintelligible] -of Ratchet’s nose!

S: [continues laughing]

[A door slams]

S: [continues laughing]

[The laughter is abruptly cut off as the screen cuts to a purple image of Soundwave being thrown into a rocket, overlaid with the Decepticon logo variation used by Afterspark Podcast, with text reading, “WE ARE HAVING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, PLEASE STAND BY.”  Elevator music plays in the background.]

[The screen returns to the normal screen with the episode information on it.]

S: And then Megatron shows up, transforming into robot mode.

O: So I don’t hate his alt exactly, but I just can't help but think Prime did this better.  Of course his voice was better too, but what do I know!?! Sorry, is my salt showing? Seriously though, I find it funny that both damn times that go to make a Transformers movie, they- they get Cullen to do Optimus, but they don't get Welker to Megatron.  Only to have Welker either return to do the character in the TV show or later in the movie series. Although it's kind of funny cuz they took him out in the movie and had somebody else play Galvatron and it's the exact opposite in the live-action, where once Galvatron shows up Welker is doing him.  The irony.

S: That is funny.  And then Megatron and Optimus fight.

O: Finally!  We get some of that homoerotic fighting this series is so known for!  He's sitting on Optimus punching him, yep.

S: Except a lot of this is done in a shaky cam so..

O: Yeah, so it's still terrible but eh, I mean, at least we're getting... sexual tension now?

B: [laugh]

S: And Sam is somehow running faster than the robots, how???  They have a wider stride.

O: Dunno, but it’s the return of Dorito-scream!

S: And Ironhide tells Sam to run, like he wasn't already doing that.

O: Mikaela however, is a stone cold badass.

S: Her and Bee enter the fray, with her driving backwards and Bee doing all the shooting and fighting.  “I'll drive, you shoot,” indeed.

O: I really feel like they bond here, but we never get to see him be as good friends with her as he is with Sam which seems really shitty.  This scene had actual feelings! Emotions! Characters vibing with each other, dammit! Mikaela's like, “I'm scared, but I can help you and I know you want to help,” and I am here for that.

S: Yeah, they're actually working together instead of Sam who so far has uh, either been chasing the car, or being chased by the car, or possibly driving the car.

O: But not actually driving the car, like all movie.

S: Yeah.  Sam gets up on the roof and uh, manages to set off a flare.

O: But Starscream is RIGHT THERE, so the helicopter gets shot down before they can retrieve the AllSpark.

S: God, there is such a body count in this movie.

O: Right!?!  But it's fine because Sam and his penis, I mean hec-

S: [laughs]

O: Sam and his boner, I mean Sam and his not girlfriend survive.

S: Ugh, Optimus attempts to reach Sam.

O: And doesn't try to stop the falling helicopter at all.

S: It doesn't have the thing he wants.

O: [It’s] so fucked up.

S: Megatron reaches the roof and demands that Sam hands over the AllSpark.

O: Megatron then asks if it's courage or fear that compels him, which I will say- fear!  Obviously! The man has never known courage in his entire life!

S: Sam is- well, ok, so the entire time this exchange was going on, Sam was like, holding on to like, the front or back of this statue that's up on the roof.

O: Mm-hmm.

S: And, uh, basically Sam, and I think the statue, get knocked off the building.  But don't worry, Optimus catches him with his big soft hands.

O: Obviously.  Also, we see Optimus’ battle mask, it's something that was kind of neat.  An interesting idea when done WELL, like say, Prime or even Animated! You can pray this soap box for my COLD DEAD HANDS.

S: It's also not bad Cyberverse, but that's significantly newer.

O: Yeah, but it would be pulling from the other two.

S: Yeah.  And, um, how are people still driving around in this city?  Wasn't- well, I mean, there wouldn't- well, okay, I guess... there may be people who haven't gotten the memo about the giant robot war.

O: I just feel like, maybe they would have seen the smoke, or the explosions, and decided driving would be bad, but I don’t know…

S: I don't know how well sound travels in this city.

O: Who knows.  Optimus and Megatron both hit the street and seem to need a few seconds to shake the fall off, despite Sam being perfectly fucking fine.

S: That makes zero sense.  Humans are, uh... special.

O: [sighs] Optimus tells Sam that if he can't defeat Megatron, then Sam needs to push the AllSpark into Optimus’ chest- to make sure Megs doesn't get it.

S: Like, this is actually something that I think Optimus has said before?

O: Yeah, he- he said it to the Autobots earlier and- and Ratchet was like, “That might kill ya both!  Dumbass.”

S: Yeah.

O: Only without the dumbass-

S: I think-

O: -that’s my addition.  I know how to write Ratchet talking better than this movie does.  Fight me. [laughs]

S: Optimus just seems kind of suicidal at this point.

O: I mean… yeah.  He does not seem happy.

S: Yeah.

O: I mean, like, look, I can't think anybody would be happy in the middle of war or anything, but at least feel like G1 Optimus probably has moments.  Prime Optimus probably at least loves his team, to some capacity. Animated Optimus loves his team. As for as much as they drive him nuts.

S: [laughs]

O: This Optimus?  I don't think there's a single thing, a single spark of joy in this mech’s life.

S: Yeah, and back to the Decepticons, it’s Blackout time.

O: I kind of like how its rotors look like a cape when he transforms.

S: They wiggle.

O: THEY WIGGLE.

S: I- I enjoy the wiggly cape and it-

O: I do too!

S: And it’s- it’s helicopter rotors are like that.

O: Yeah, like, you kind of see with Blades a little bit in Rescue Bots too.

S: Yeah, he's a wiggly boy.  Lennox and company are able to defeat Blackout with some help from the Air Force.

O: Do they kill him with shot to the crotch?

S: [laughs] That’s entirely possible.

O: [laughs]

S: Lennox, I think, ends up taking... I don't know, the thing with- cuz-

O: They like- he slides underneath him and shoots.  So I’m like, “Did you kill him with a shot to the robo dick?”

S: [laughs]

O: Really?  Is that the Decepticons’ weakness?  That’s good to know. Optimus, aim there!

B: [laugh]

S: Oh, um, and so... basically, there's apparently a particular type of round that they have to use. Tha- it's like, a Sabot-something or other at that-

O: I don’t remember.

S: Yeah.

O: And I didn't- I didn't actually write it down because it was not important enough to me, sorry.

S: Yeah.

O: [laughs]

S: Starscream takes out a good chunk of the military reinforcements and so like, at one point one of the soldiers is like, “Friendlies don't fly under building height,” or whatever.

O: They proceed to fly in the building height a few scenes later.

S: Yeah, while…

O: Starscream is transforming in and out of jet mode to take them out.

S: Yes, so yeah, there's- god, there is so much mortality going on here.  Cuz there's like, multiple planes going down-

O: Uh-huh

S: -in the middle of this inner city area.

O: And like, I will say, and we both comm- or I think you commented on like- it is a- it's a good fight like, for how Starscream would fight.

S: Yeah.

O: Because he’s sort of constantly shifting back and forth.

S: Yeah, I think he's choosing good aerial tactics for what he is.

O: He is and it’s really neat, actually.

S: Yeah, that was pretty cool.  From a mortality from human perspective point that's horrifying but...

O: That’s true.  Elsewhere, Megatron and Optimus continue to fight but Optimus is definitely losing.

S: Yeah, and so, Sam's been underfoot I guess, the entire time?

O: And he hasn't been squished.

S: Yeah.

O: Pity.

S: So instead of shoving the cube into Optimus’ chest he shoves it into Megatron's, because apparently Megatron’s spark is just out there on display… somehow?

O: Shit!  We don't know what that does!  What if he accidentally gave him immortality or something!?!

S: Apparently that didn't happen, cuz it seems- apparently that killed Megatron and like destroyed the cube???

O: Ahh?  [laughs]

S: And now Ironhide is walking around carrying both halves of Jazz's corpse like... babies in the crook of his arms.  Before handing them all over to Optimus.

O: That’s not awkward at ALL! [laughs]

S: Sam, Mikaela, and Bee reunite.

O: Exposition by the Secretary of Defense lets us know that the President has ordered the end of Sector Seven and all the Decepticon remains have been dropped into the Linares Trench where the cold and water pressure should keep them entombed.

[I don’t know if we misheard this when we were watching the movie or what, but according to TF Wiki it was the Laurentian Abyss, I’m really not sure where we got Linares from. ~O]

S: [sighs] Later, at yet another sunset, um…

O: [laughs] There's so many of those in this movie!  Optimus Prime closes out the movie, leaving us with a message of questionable hope and alerting any remaining Autobots that they may come to Earth.

S: We'll see some of them in the next movie.  Um...

O: But this is all while Sam and Mikaela are getting hot and heavy on top of Bumblebee’s windshield.

S: Yup.  That's- that's a person guys!  Maybe don't make out on top of him unless this is some sort of really weird three-way.  Which, ok, maybe not so weird if they're into that, but I don't think they discussed it.

O: [laughs] All the other Autobots in the background are totally watching too, so it just sort of feels like, extra level of creepy.

S: Yeah.  It really does.  I'm just shaking my head.  And um-

O: That's this movie in a nutshell, man.

S: The credits roll as the incredibly soothing tones of Linkin Park uh, they- they play and they escort us out of this movie.

O: So let mercy come, except for Decepticons because they don't deserve it according to this movie.

S: A few other scenes are cut into the credits.

O: Mostly involving Sam's parents.

S: It's really unimportant.

O: We do see Starscream escape into space though.

S: So, what are our conclusions?

O: Watching the Bumblebee movie and the entirety of Transformers Prime will get you everything that was pleasant about this movie and be a more enjoyable experience.  Maybe go do that instead? The Prime designs even seem at least loosely based on some of the live-action designs, you know some of the elements [of them] that I actually liked.  Real talk? It introduced some interesting concepts, but overall I hated it pretty much the entire time I was watching it. Specs?

S: I would have preferred to see a different movie, perhaps involving some of these characters but not all of them.  Um, specifically I would have liked to see something starring Mikaela, Maggie, Glen, and Miles. Miles would have definitely been like, just you know, the random straight man who has no idea what the hell's going on.  While the other three are hyper- well they're all hyper competent at something, and then the soldiers could have been interesting secondary characters too.

But you know, there were really too many characters in this movie for anyone to have a complete character arc. So it would work better with a smaller cast, maybe just focusing on the first four that I mentioned?  Either that or having a TV series with the soldiers coming in as liaisons with the military kind of like Fowler from Prime. Some sort of buddy comedy with the first four or just a more- actually, something with more of the tone of Prime as a TV series-

O: Yeah.

S: - would have- would have worked well.

O: So like, what robots would you want to see in that?

S: Uh, I mean, if I was going to keep the Bayverse robots... I just want to see more characterization from them and better writing.  But if I could have any character, G1 based Ratchet, uh, maybe Hot Rod or Bumblebee for you know, kid appeal.  If I was gonna pick between live-action Bumblebees, I'd go with the Bumblebee [movie] Bumblebee.

O: Yeah, he was definitely better.

S: A G1 based Wheeljack, Cyberverse Grimlock.  Uh, if it was something that was gonna be more lighthearted, maybe the Rescue Bots, particularly Blades.  Cuz I would like a flight frame in there.

O: Yeah.

S: And… so- Optimus, even if he's only someone who shows uh, sometimes?

O: Periodically, yeah.

S: Optimus would be good.  If this was going to be a heavier thing, keep the Rescue Bots off.  And, I mean, if we're going- going back to the Bayverse thing, if we're going to stick with Bayverse Autobots, just give them screen time and character development.  And also Bayverse Arcee, specifically, the design for the toy from the first movie, even if she was pink.

O: Fair.

S: But as it stands, [sighs] the Bayverse Autobots in this movie are just... Optimus is impatient, Ironhide really likes his guns, Rachet is tactless, and Bumblebee is immature.  And then Jazz is the only person who seemed to actually learn about human social customs in some- in some manner. He doesn't destroy as much shit as everyone else.

O: Yeah, Jazz was definitely the best one.

S: He was!  And then he- then they killed him, he died!  It’s just like, why did you do that?

B: [sigh]

S: If you're going to have characters, please give them screen time and don't kill them.

O: What a concept!  I guess that leaves me to fill out the Cons for this cast.  Uh, Megatron obviously, uh, G1 or Prime. Probably Prime if I had to pick one because they- again, I feel like the Prime characters lend themselves reasonably well to a more, kind of realistic plot.  Soundwave, probably Prime, again feel like he fits better into this. Uh, he needs some of the cassettes though, which Prime didn't really have, but I definitely want Ravage, cuz I love Ravage. Uh, Knockout because he's fun, and snarky.  Um, it's not Cons without a Starscream, so Starscream. But similar what you said, I would literally take just fleshing out the Cons in the Bayverse, because they had so little screenshin- screenshine?

S: [laughs]

O: They had so little screen time, and just no personality, and it was just... depressing!

S: The most screen time that we had for any of them would be Blackout at the beginning, where he's basically just shooting things-

O: Yeah, but he didn't even have any lines!

S: Yeah, and then…

O: Like, in fact, so few of them had lines!

S: Yeah.

O: Like, the way- even the Decepticons, most of the time when they talk, they talked in Cybertronian even.

S: Yeah.

O: And it was translated, it was just like, “On our way,” or, “Megatron has been found.”  It wasn't even- it wasn't character, it was just a statement!

S: Yeah, like none of them had personality and that’s just so disappointing.

O: It really is.

S: [sighs] And it's- we have fanfiction recommendations.

O: Yeah, I know we didn't do this with the other specials but because there is actually fanfic based on the live-action stuff, we kind of thought it was more applicable here.

S: Alright, so the first one is, “The Princess is in Another Castle,” by Bibliotecaria_D.  It's in the mov- the Bayverse continuity, obviously. Uh, rating, PG-13. It's got- it has past slash, so it's not a general fic.  Parings, uh, past Mikaela Banes and Sam Witwicky. Um, characters, Mikaela Banes. And in summary, “Mikaela Banes is waiting” That's- that's the long and short of the summary folks.

O: [laughs]

S: But it's really good!  It’s-

O: It's basically... what did happen to Mikaela, after her and Sam broke up?  And it- and it feels like this very good character development thing for her and it feels- it feels good to read.  Like it feels like- yes, this feels like something the character would have done and it it really gives her more depth than the movies ever did.

S: More depth and agency.

O: Agency, she has goals- that aren’t Sam oriented.

S: Um-hm.

O: It's really nice, I really recommend it.

S: I should reread it it's been a while.

O: I do recommend it like, I’ve read it multiple times because I thought it was really good.

S: Yeah.  So the the rec for it is Mikaela and it's a one shot.  And so our next one is- would you like to talk about it or would you prefer me?

O: I'm gonna talk about it, and I'll kind of explain why I maybe can't give the best in-depth explanation of it.  But uh, our other fanfic suggestion is, “Towards Peace”. It is by ariealbots, the continuity is Bay movies, if- they bring in elements of IDW, it's rated T.  It is slash, but believe me when I say I'm not gonna read this entire list. I'll just tell you kind of the top ones are Megatron/Optimus, Megatron/Ultra Magnus, Optimus Prime/Shockwave, Mikaela Banes/Bumblebee/Sam Whitwicky- so they actually are a trine in this like, they're- they're a poly relationship-

S: Um-hm.

O: -as far as I can tell.  Um, characters... there are so many!  I- like, it would have been absurd for me to try to list them all but basically the Bayverse cast, you get elements of some of the IDW characters thrown in, like Verity.  You get some of the Bumblebee characters thrown in like you actually get Charlie. Um, and they're pairing up essentially with all the bots that are still on Earth and it's really- it's really great cuz I think Charlie gets uh, teamed up with Skyfire?  So like, the- the Russian jet not like the Skyfire from G1.

S: Oh, the guy for the second movie?

O: Yes!  Like-

S: That’s Jetfire.

O: Jetfire, thank you!  I knew the name wasn’t exactly the same and I kept forgetting.  Skyfire actually shows up as a separate character in this and he's more based off G1 and IDW.  But yeah, she- she sort of is paired up with Jetfire and- and it's really lovely and I like it. [laughs]

[Okay, to make this all the more confusing, he’s called Jetstorm in this particular fic, so I just got this wrong in all the ways.  ~O]

S: Except he's not Russian in the second one he's an SR-71 Blackbird.

O: He has a Russian accent.

S: Ah, ok.

O: I don't know why-

S: Well-

O: Like- like it it makes more sense when I read it but-

S: Okay.

O: But anyway in summary, heh, “At the climax of the Battle of Mission City the AllSpark is pushed into Megatron's chest and instead of killing him it does what it was made for, it transforms.  After millennia of slow descent into madness brought by programming corruption the Lord Protector Megatron finds his mind suddenly restored but the memory of what he's done cannot be washed away.  With the war brought to a violent halt both Autobots and Decepticons must learn to coexist if they want to reunite their civilization and restore their dying world.”

S: I like that summary.

O: It's... good and obviously it's because, Bayverse, and it took place right after the first movie so I wanted to recommend it here.  Um, it is multi chapter, it's still ongoing, which is kind of my caveat usually I don't like recommending things unless they’re finished.  And I actually have a hard time following this one- reading it, partially because I have a hard time telling any of the Bayverse bots apart.

Like, I think, I'm actually gonna have an easier time reading it now, now that I had to like, sit down and fucking disect the Bayverse movie, so I'm gonna be really happy to go back and read it.  Um, I think it's pretty safe to assume a bunch of the pairings are like past and stuff, because like, I- I haven't seen hide nor hair of Ultra Magnus yet. Um, but- but anyway it's- it is good and like, the stuff I've read I described it as like, having this very kind of sweet pervasive kindness to it and softness to it which was really nice.  Uh, it was done as part of a Big Bang, I think?

S: Hmm…

O: The Big Bang event.  Like I said, they're not finished yet but I'm interested to see what they do and- and I'd liked a few of the like, characters and relationships particularly kind of with the humans and whatever kind of bot or bots they're kind of closest with.

Like I said with Charlie I'm pretty sure it was uh, Jetfire.  I think Verity might have actually been with Barricade, don't quote me on that because I could totally be wrong but- but I liked it, like it was good on that level.  Um, it's just I'm like, I haven't finished it yet and I haven't even read the most recent stuff so I'm always a little hesitant to recommend stuff I haven't finished reading so you know, with a grain of salt.  But I like what I read.

S: I’m going to have to go look at that, because it does sound nice.

O: It- it- just… I love that a concept.  God forbid, I cannot keep the Bayverse characters straight to save my life.  Uh, Jazz comes back to life though. [laughs]

S: Nice.

O: Because Megatron basically start- like he- he touches Jazz and so Jazz is better now.  “I got better!”

S: [laughs]

O: Uh, but- but he can also sense where like, a lot of the living Cybertronians are so like that's how they actually- they actually go get Skyfire who is in the Arctic in this uh, fanfic so you know, but- but it's good.  Uh... oh! Thundercracker and Skywarp are in it so you have the full- you have a full Dorito trine. Um-

B: [laugh]

O: I like my Doritos in multiple flavors, thank you very much! [laughs]

S: Cool ranch and I'm not sure what the hell Skywarp would be.

O: Uh, cheesy?

B: [laugh]

O: Anyway, happy holidays everyone and thank you for tuning in.  It's been a wild year and we're excited to keep talking about these ridiculous robots.  We will be taking a break for the rest of this month and January to enjoy the holidays but we'll be back in February with episode 26, “Attack of the Autobots!” Oh god, the Ark's only got two beds and there's about to be problems.

S: Oh my god, they were all roommates.

B: [laugh]

S: They are!

O: You’re not wrong, per se...

S: And that just about wraps it up for us today.  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast, such as AO3, iTunes, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and Youtube, just to name a few.  Till next time, I'm Specs.

O: And I’m Owls.

B:  Happy holidays!

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

[Ending Stinger]

S: Welcome to our first anniversary special with the 2004 Transformers film.

O: That is the wrong year.

S: GAH-

B: [dissolve into laughter]

S: God dammit.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Marvel Comics #1000 Thoughts

This is going to be short. To review or even just give my thoughts on this comic is kind of insane as it’s less a story unto itself as it is the most ambitious anthology project in Marvel history.

On that front I give Marvel, really Al Ewing, credit.

As I was reading the book Ewing’s story was the one drawing me in and wanting me to learn more. As is common with Ewing it’s a bold, ambitious idea that embraces Marvel history for the most part. I’m not certain but it almost seems to me Ewing was kind of implying that a lot of Marvel characters across history to have worn a generic black mask might’ve been wearing in fact the exact same one. The part about the story that did tick me off though was that Cebulski and others implied Ewing’s story would be threading through every story in the comic, but it really doesn’t, it stops and starts so other creators can do their totally unconnected pages.

As for the other stories themselves, as is the case with anthologies, they vacillate in quality vastly.

What makes the project befuddling is that some of them are clearly intended to be canonical, others ambiguously so and others obviously not as they break the fourth wall (no it’s not just Deadpool who does it either). Hell there is a STAR WARS story in this, which is definitely not part of the Marvel Universe.

I’m not going to cover them individually sans the Spider-Man specific ones in another post(s?).

What did annoy or confuse me was that the gimmick for this comic is that every page represents a year between 1939-now and the subject of every page connects to something related to Marvel that happened that year.

Whilst this comic does hold true to that idea a lot of the pages are very tangential in their connection.

Perhaps the most poignant example is the first page set in the modern day, which features America Chavez. The page is supposed to touch upon the original Miss America, whom America Chavez is basically a legacy character to. Featuring America Chavez makes sense, but the original Miss America is never mentioned, alluded to, or anything. Other examples include 1994 being notable for the Clone Saga so the page is about Spider-Man, but it hasn’t got anything to do with the Clone Saga. The most obnoxious example is from Chip Zdarsky (what a shock). It’s the 2008 page and represents how Iron Man the movie was released. It’s literally just panels of face shots of Iron Man’s suit as he changes from one to another. That isn’t even a story!

More frustratingly is the fact that for something celebrating 80 years of Marvel you’d think every year would zero in on something really notable, really iconic, something really famous about each of those years right? And the comic makes it clear that we aren’t just talking comics either as Iron Man and Deadpool’s movies get pages dedicated to them.

But the choices are just really weird a lot of the times.

Case in point the 2000 page is used to commemorate Chris Claremont returning to the X-Men. Like...really? Surely the start of the ULTIMATE universe was a bigger deal that year? Same thing for 2002. You’d think Spider-Man the movie would get a page marking it? Nope...Elsa Bloodstone. Proportionally how many people reading this comic even knew who the fuck Elsa Bloodstone was? 2012 sees Slott and Martin return to mark the fact that ASM #700 came out that year. Surely the Avengers movie was a bigger deal that year?

Over all, much like Action and Detective Comics #1000 (though they EARNED their high numbers) this comic is worth a pick up just as a piece of history, there will never be an 80th anniversary of Marvel ever again...well I mean technically there could be because Marvel go back and forth over whether they begin counting in 1939 or in 1961 but you know what I mean!

[wikipediathefreeencyclopedia]

compilation of my favorite otp prompts 4

tag

Established Relationship AUs [x]

We’ve been celebrating our wedding anniversary on the wrong day for the past nine years AU

just some ‘how they met’ AUs [x]

‘my dad invited me to go on a fishing trip with him and his buddies and I hate water and can’t swim but I don’t wanna crush my dad’s feelings and he said his friend’s son was coming too, so I’m kind of hoping he’s cool’ and ‘I fell into the water and you were the only sober one who was able to save me’

‘we were waiting in line for the FerrisWheel and your friend decided last minuet he didn’t want to ride and backed out, so we got jammed into the same kart together AND THEN the ride got stuck while we were at the top, but you aren’t so bad to be around for two hours…lets go ride more shit together’

'the cops showed up to a party we were at and chased everyone away. You and I happened to run in the opposite direction of all our friends and got lost in some dark and creepy street.’

more au ideas no one asked for [x]

“you’re super short and i’m sorry but it’s really really cute whenever you try to reach that book on the top shelf here lemme help you- oh no don’t be embarrassed, your face is all red and you’re even more adorable now i am going to die” au

“i’m a biker and one day i was biking in your neighborhood while you just happened to be outside watering the plants and since you’re so goddamn cute i accidentally steered into a pole and now you’re giving me first aid (holy shit you’re even cuter up close)” au

“you’re biking through my neighborhood and you ran into a pole so now i’m really concerned and patching you up, oh my gosh you’re really hot even though you have a bloody nose” au

“i’m at a karaoke bar and i’m sober enough to realize that your voice singing my absolute favorite song is the most beautiful thing i’ve ever heard, and you caught me staring and winked at me oh shit” au

“you invited me to your brother’s/sister’s wedding as a plus one bc we’re hella best friends but we end up making out at the afterparty and now everyone thinks we’re fucking so uh,, u wanna go out for a drink sometime? try this whole couple thing out?” au

“my mom/sister/dad/brother/best friend doesn’t know we’re dating but one day he/she/they walked in on us making out and started cheering oh my god this is so embarrassing i’m so sorry” au

“dude why did that siren take on my image to try and seduce you, is there something you wanna tell me” au

“my friends dared me to buy 20 condoms but i didn’t realize that the cute cashier would be working tonight so i avoided eye contact as i piled them onto the counter and please stop laughing so hard, oh my god it’s for a dare okay i’ve never had sex in my life and once you stopped laughing, i swear i fell in love with that sparkle in your eye as you grinned wildly at me and asked me out for a drink” au

Well, this is awkward AUs [x]

“I sneaked in to this huge house party for some free food but you asked me how I knew the host and the first excuse I could think of was that I’m dating their sibling, so basically I just lied to you about going out with you” au

post breakup AUs [x]

“today was the first family gathering i’ve been to since we broke up and my little cousin that absolutely adored you asked where you were and i had to lock myself in the bathroom and sit in the tub for a half an hour and look through a folder on my phone of pictures i took of you to feel okay again” AU

“i still have your phone number memorized even though i haven’t called you since we split and somehow i remembered it even though i’ve had like six shots of bourbon and hey, i know you’re pissed that you’re here at this dingy club at 3 in the morning to pick my drunk ass up, but you have to admit that’s pretty impressive” AU

“oh hi, totally didn’t expect to see you here at this one hole in the wall coffee shop literally no one in the entire world besides you knows about. what a coincidence.” AU

“it´s my [insert family relation here]´s wedding and seeing all these happy couples is killing me and all i can think about is how this was almost us” AU (bonus: “i know that it’s two in the morning and i’m dressed really formally and a little (a lot) bit drunk but i couldn’t stop thinking about you after my grandma asked how you were doing also can i come in it’s freezing out here”)

“we have a lot of mutual friends so we see each other more than two broken up people usually do and i know we’re not really close anymore but you’re wearing that stupid (adorable) hat you always wore when you were upset so tell me what’s wrong because it’s literally killing me to see you look so sad” AU

“i found your box of letters underneath my bed last night and because i’m a nosy motherfucker i decided to read them and it turns out they were all addressed to me and the last one was dated the day you moved out and i’m not quite sure why i thought this would be a good idea but here i am, standing on your doorstep, wondering why the fuck we’re not together anymore” AU

otp fic prompts [x]

i had the weirdest dream about you and now i can’t stop imagining what you’d look like naked

you’re at the cinema alone and so am i we might as well sit together and i swear i didn’t think there was anyone else in this universe who appreciates this movie like i do 

i hooked up with you at my sister’s wedding 5 years ago and now i’ve gotta track you down because i can’t stop thinking about you

we watched the fireworks together on new year’s eve even though you’re a complete stranger like i didn’t even get your name ??

OTP Prompts - Post Break-up [x]

“I’m still in love with you, and I probably always will be, but I thought you wanted to break up, so I broke up with you. Now, it’s a year later, and you’re telling me you were about to propose?”

“I never told my extended family that we broke up, and now they want to know when you’re coming over for dinner again.”

“I didn’t mean to tell you I still loved you, but now we’re standing here awkwardly, and I should probably just go.”

“I thought you broke up with me, so I haven’t spoken to you in a year, but apparently there was a serious miscommunication, because you thought I broke up with you. Well, this is as good a time as any to tell you I still love you.”

things to imagine with your otp [x]

one of them falls in love first before the other and has to try and be super chill and casual around them but oh fuck they just brushed hands

one of them by themselves but throughout the day they see little things that remind them of the other and they just randomly start smiling

trying to make a gift or do something special for the other but getting super embarrassed when giving it to them so they just leave it on a table and run away

star-gazing, flower festivals and making out behind dingy diners on a road trip

SOME WEIRD STUFF I NEED TO LIVE [x]

you work at the shitty overpriced coffee shop that only gets business because it’s nearest the university and I hate the coffee and get tea every time because at least you know how to make a good raspberry tea but I come in at odd hours and you always look exhausted, oh no you just fell to the ground crying about how you were supposed to open a gourmet cupcake shop, are you okay????

Aus I need [x]

I tried asking this person on the street for directions, but before they could even answer you pointed down the street and told me where to go. Turns out you were heading that way too and we end up walking together awkwardly for a bit. 

We’re in a huge crowd to watch fireworks/a show, and there’s no more room on the lawn except right next to you and your blanket. I forgot to bring one, and you invite me to share yours with you.

I’m making balloon animals for children at this farmer’s market/fair, and you come up with a friend who asks for a kitty. You are enamored with the motorcycle I was making just for fun, and I can’t help being charmed by your enthusiasm and give it to you for free. 

AUs to consider [x]

“i don’t want to go alone to my ex’s wedding and our mutual friend said you’re free that night” au

(could combine/mix it with this amazing comic)

“you accidentally left your ID in a library book” au

“i’ve never met you before but i went to a huge party at your house with my significant other - who then proceeded to dump me” au

Imagine your OTP [x]

Person A comforting person B through a stormy night

Helping each other in certain subjects for school.

[comicteaparty]

January 4th-January 10th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from January 4th, 2020 to January 10th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question:

What goals do you have going forward with this new year for your story?

carcarchu

well i basically have the same goal every year which is to cover more ground, i made the mistake of making my first comic be a super long 3 part epic so it feels like it's going to take me years to make it even part way through when i try to make my chapters longer however it generally leads me to feeling burned out so i still have a way to go when it comes to finding the right length per chapter that i can put out consistently

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

In Phantomarine (http://www.phantomarine.com/), this year I finally reach the chapter where all my main characters meet and start interacting - it's where the story truly kicks off. I've spent almost 2 years in setup/exposition mode, and I finally get to exit it properly. I'm so. SO. Excited. And I really want to take my time and do it properly. It's about to get very fun for me, and I hope it will show in the work!

Cronaj

My goals mainly consist of reaching page 100. I'm over 1/4th of the way there, and I believe I can get there before 2021. I also want to reach the introduction of one of the main characters, but I don't think that'll happen this year. This character doesn't appear until the end of Ch. 5, which is somewhere around page 170-180. Am I waiting too long to introduce this character? Absolutely.

eli [a winged tale]

I am almost halfway through Arc 1 and almost at 10% of the story Looking forward to chugging away at it and hope to reach the First Plot Point by the end of the year

kayotics

I guess one of my goals is to reformat chapter 1 for printing (I drew it at the wrong size), and then update chapters 1 & 2 for colors. I’d like to compile the first four chapters into a book, but I’d like all the chapters to be visually similar in color at least.

Tuyetnhi

Gonna try to finish two chapters this year and clean up ch.1 and 2 for printing its gonna be a lot of work but I know it can be managed~

snuffysam

In terms of where the main story will go - Book 3 just started, and Chapter 1 should be finished mid-March. Chapter 2 will be finished early-mid July, maybe even late June? Chapter 3 will be finished sometime in September. And then it's Chapter 4... which won't be finished until like June 2021 lol. But anyway, by the end of the year we'll be introduced to all the important characters of this arc (though we won't have had much time with some of them). Including a character who's so important, I'd almost call them the deuteragonist of the entire comic if not for the fact that they're only showing up 700 pages in, lol.(edited)

Past the actual story aspects - the comic will be celebrating its fourth birthday at the end of February! And, given that the first page of the comic was started on a leap day, it's technically the first birthday the comic has actually had. The upcoming short stories for the year are some of my favorites so far, so that's exciting. I'm also interested to see how the shipping contest & fan-art contest turn out. We'll also be reaching page 750 at some point this year, which is a pretty big milestone.

Deo101

I have a goal for my second comic to get it off of hiatus, and for my main one I would really like to make improvements in the areas I've received critiques! Mostly, I just want to keep making them for another year <3 I don't really have any goals other than to keep on going with it

(also, a preemptive congrats on four years!)(edited)

AntiBunny

Well, having fully reuploaded my archives, I'm letting them update gradually to hopefully attract a new audience over on comic fury. When it catches back up I intend to finish up Chapter 10, and with it book 2. Then I'll finally launch book 3, Coast to Coast, which will allow me to tell more different stories by changing locations.

Kelsey (Kurio)

Hey Vinnie! How goes it?

AntiBunny

Still chugging along.

Holmeaa - working on WAYFINDERS

The big goal for Wayfinders off course is first of all to launch! In start February (we will find a date today iiih!!) Then at the end of 2020, if everything goes accordingly we should have produced 7 chapters enough for a book Ah! This is all so exciting

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Pretty much my goal is to just keep swimming. I hope to complete more chapters this year. I should be able to finish chapter one of my comic, Eryl, unless I have to take a long hiatus (which, honestly, is looking very likely). Ashes is less time intensive than Eryl and the chapters half as long (only 16 pages each; Eryl chapters are usually 30-35 pages), so I’m going to try and finish at least two, if not three chapters before 2021. But honesty, just getting what I can done and continuing to push forward is my biggest goal.

Mei

I only started My Husband is a Cultist last year in April (https://tapas.io/series/MyHusbandisaCultist) and my goal is to reach that first year anniversary and to keep the train rolling for this comic! I initially wanted to have the rest of this arc completed in 2020, but I've decided to be realistic as I will be making a grad film at the same time (yay), so I just plan to do as much as I can, and to at least have Chapter 4 completed before March, and maybe Chapter 5 after that! I have a lot of story I want to tell and it's hard to stay focussed on it, but I'm doing my best, doing a little at a time!

Phin (Heirs of the Veil)

My goals are mainly to become a little quicker and finish the second book in time for the Heirs of the Veils (http://heirsoftheveil.fervorcraft.de/) fourth anniversary next October. Story-wise we want to have all the bits and pieces in place to slowly approach the actual meaty parts of the comic and prepare well enough to finish it in the coming 3 years.

FeatherNotes

Our goal is to have our book fully edited, with help from editors and friends, so we can be more confident in it's true rendition. Im not one to stick to making pages perfect, but there are definitely parts that could use some attention! Other than that, book 4 is on it's way and it's always a main goal to get to print for upcoming cons!

varethane

My goal this year is to get to the end of the first arc of Wychwood! After a year of working on it, I'm roughly halfway there. I'd also like to lern 2 colour better.

Capitania do Azar

This year I hope to get a new book out!! That would be great and also you know, just keep going. If all goes well I can get a chapter out until the end of the year and that'd be cool (but also perhaps a bit too hopeful, since my chapters have started to...get bigger with time..)

SAWHAND

This year my goal is to start posting the comic! And, if it works out, I'd love to get the whole thing thumbnailed out by the end of the year. Fingers crossed!!

DanitheCarutor

My goal is to finish chapter 5 in less than a year. Up until now it's taken a year to finish a chapter thanks to work, chores and the occasional procrastination spell. But in December I quit my depressing job that was a two hour drive away, so I'm hoping to be more productive, even if I get part time work somewhere in town.

twothirty

along with finishing chapter 6 and 7, im also hoping to have all of book 2's script written and edited~

renieplayerone

My goal is id love to get the first chapter or two of kate blast printed

[happyhealthycats]

Seymour

This story feels a little weird to tell, because it’s so new. Seymour is still only seven months old. He’s not fully grown. He still is very much a kitten. But he’s a little dude that completely blindsided me when we found him.

My local shelter was having a really hard kitten season. It started early and ended late in our area this year, and there was no room in the shelter. It’s a county shelter that doesn’t turn animals away. Any animals. When I went in to foster, they had a pig, a pigeon, and rabbits, not just your usual dogs and cats.

We had fostered before, but it had been a single kitten through a different rescue that I was no longer keen on using. At least with this shelter, if the cats got sick, I could take them to the shelter’s vet and have them seen by a professional, not the back of the van diagnosis I had experienced with my previous foster.

I told the shelter workers that my husband was still on the fence. I wasn’t working at the time, so the work would fall entirely on me, but he was still hesitant. So they said “Okay, we’ll start you out with something easy. Here’s a litter of four, almost five week old kittens. They’re all healthy, all weaned to wet food. They just need to be brought up to weight to be fixed, and that should be about three to four weeks.” (I am taking the briefest moment to mention as an aside - this is not the post to argue about the age of spay/neutering. This is the shelter’s policy and that was that. I could either comply with their policy or I could not volunteer with them). 

I took home this litter of four beautiful kittens. Three girls, one boy. They were unnamed, so I got to decide what they would be called. A friend suggested naming them after Steven Universe characters, so I did. They were Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven.

The kittens honestly were hardly work for me. They were so young we handled them frequently, inviting people over so they could experience as many different people as possible. Their little personalities flourished and I felt so, SO honored to get to know these amazing little animals. Garnet was confident, willing to rough house, explore, approach new people without hesitation. She was a little more afraid of dogs (unfortunately without dogs in our house her only experience with them was adoption events). Amethyst was a little more shy. She would play with her siblings and with humans, but wound up getting bullied out of her food bowl if I didn’t give her a separate dish. She learned to push back and make sure she got what she needed, and went from the skinny little “we’re not sure if she’s going to thrive” threshold to feisty little girl. Pearl was a cuddle bug. We would pick her up to give her medicine, and I always had to do her last, because she would fall asleep in my arms every time I held her.

Then there was Steven. 

Independent, confident, curious, played beautifully with his sisters. If they had too much, he learned to walk away instead of pressing his luck with them, and was able to entertain himself with nearby toys or people.

He had no fear, and when their two week quarantine period was up, he met the household cats and absolutely meshed with them immediately. Keeping him separate from the rest of the house in the “kitten room” was darn near impossible, and he made his best attempt to escape and explore the house every time we opened the door.

As spay/neuter-day came closer, kittens began to get spoken for. Amethyst was first. A friend of mine messaged me and asked to meet her. It was love at first site. Amethyst is still Amethyst. Next was Pearl. Funny enough, Pearl now lives with my previous foster, Chainsaw, who is now Alice. Pearl also kept her name. Garnet was next, after a long push on social media to find a loving home. Garnet is now Widget. I still get updates on all three girls, and they are amazing and I’m so proud of them. (For privacy’s sake of their new homes, I can’t share current pictures). 

But Steven, for all our socializing, was so attached to me that it was tough to imagine not waking up and seeing his wonderful little face. Simcoe and Citra had also taken an IMMENSE interest in the kittens. Every single morning, we woke up with a mountain of toys laid in front of the kitten door, gifts for the babies they knew were on the other side. We became concerned that Simcoe would grow depressed with the absence of kittens. Normally, yes, cats can get over these things, but as a semi-feral and fairly sickly young cat, we have to keep Simcoe’s stress levels down as much as possible. And oddly enough, Simcoe is less stressed when she can take care of other cats.

I had the moment when I had to start taking Steven to adoption events, and knowing he would have to leave, I was sad, but knew I would get over it. The girls were sweet and wonderful, but they were never mine. Steven would come to me no matter who was in the room. He would climb on me and sleep on me, and while I did everything in my power to socialize him with as many people as possible, he still loved other people, he just preferred to be with me. Removing myself from his life for the sake of his care and his ability to be adopted out would be negligent to him, so I had to continue caring for him.

So my husband said, “He really gets along with the other cats, doesn’t he?”

He did.

“You’re going to be really upset when he leaves, aren’t you?”

I was.

So my husband paid Steven’s adoption fee as an anniversary gift. (Steven, mind you, was not the gift, we discussed his adoption prior and both agreed we could realistically home him here). 

But what to name him? We considered “Mosaic”, and would call him Moe for short, to keep with the theme of hops since he got along so well with Simcoe and Citra. But it didn’t fit. He already had an S name. We considered keeping Steven, but without the girls the naming convention wasn’t quite right.

A few other names fell by. Zevran was a tempting runner up, but my husband wasn’t terribly fond of it, and try as I might to call him that, he didn’t FEEL like a Zevran (Sorry, Dragon Age fans).

Remembering one of my favorite movies/musical productions, Little Shop of Horrors, I laughed and thought of the name Seymour. My husband liked it, but not for the same reason I did.

“Seymour Skinner, from the Simpsons!” He said. “Or Seymour Asses, like from Futurama...” I let the fact that Seymour Asses had been a dog slide, because as I called “Seymour”, over he ran, meowing happily. We didn’t name him. Seymour picked his name.

We did our usual slow introductions, but as always, the resident cats pleasantly surprised me with how easily they allowed Seymour into their group. Within a week they were allowgrooming and sleeping together. When they would play, Seymour could understand who he could play rough with, and who didn’t like to play as rough. Citra took a shine to him immediately, and Heimdall began caring for him like the nurturing big dude he’s always been.

Seymour is my little shadow. He comes when he’s called, he almost always needs to be in the same room as me, and if I’m sitting on the couch, he’s near constantly on my lap. That being said, he’s also the absolute friendliest cat in the house. While Heimdall is a relaxed and easy going cat, Seymour seeks out new people and will rub up to them and meow at them for attention within moments of someone walking through the door.

He’s also photogenic as anything. He just loves the attention he gets when I take pictures of him, so he’ll sit there and just let me snap countless photos because he knows it means I’m looking at him.

I adore all my cats. Each one has a piece of my heart for a different reason. Seymour was the final piece to our family to make our home and lives so wonderful and full. He’s comic relief. He’s a wonderful foible for every single cat in the house. He’s best buddies with Heimdall, a playmate for Sif, a partner in crime for Citra, and a snuggle buddy for Simcoe. 

And I couldn’t imagine my life without every single one of them.