#and it’s just like. my sister makes me feel worse bc her reaction is so strong and it’s just like pls chill<3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[honeyednights]

love being between a rock and a hard place…

[north-noire]

Here are more hcns about Sammy that I drew in my sketchbook long time ago

Sam teases Charlie from time to time, although most of his teasing is usually unintentional and out of curiosity.

Charlie's reaction after hearing Sammy say her name ;-;

Although he is playful and full of energy, he is the least sociable of the Emily family, so Charlie occasionally has to drag him along.

When alive, one of the characteristics that caught Caitlin's attention the most about Sammy is the fact that Sammy unintentionally made that same 'done' face as his father which caused her to tease Henry about it.

Throughout his life the poor boy had to learn that his mother passed away, neither Henry nor Charlie dared to talk about it until Sam reached a certain age which caused him to have a crisis since Charlie reminded him a lot of Caitlin (a crisis which he managed to overcome as time went by).

If Sam found out who killed his sister his whole world would fall apart, he would be so resentful he wouldn't be able to say it in words.

And that's all I have for now, stay safe and take your time, I absolutely loved your ideas on it :)

SCREAMS WHAT YOU'RE COOKING WITH THESE!!! I really gotta draw Sammy soon when I get the time, I love your design of him and your art sm it's so cute znsmsmwkow

Also, fellow cursive writer rise up!!!!

Gonna ramble a lot below this section so I don't flood most people's feeds while I live-react and say my thoughts below :) Feel free to read below ofc!

I love that Sammy takes off Charlie's weave. Maybe I should really draw Charlie's weave getting taken off often as a meme LMFAO

I LOVE Charlie crying after Sammy said her name I'm gonna explode 😭😭😭 also yes, that's so real, Charlie would totally drag him outside of the house whenever it's possible xD I just know both Henry and Sammy tend to spend time together in this mutual yet really peaceful silence amongst themselves.

I LOVE HOW CAITLIN LOOKS IN YOUR STYLE TOO SHE'S SO CUTE ;-; Sammy and Henry truly r like father and son...

ALSO OUGHHHH sammy not wanting to talk to Charlie bc she reminds him of Mom makes me think of Sammy accidentally calling her Mom one time and immediately just. Avoiding her after that bc he feels bad reminding people of her (and her death).

YESSSSS I'm so here for the beef between Sammy and William!!! I keep imagining scenes where he's afraid and yet so angry at him, like maybe William tries to be generally friendly to the Emilys even her Charlie's death (as usual, and unfortunately some way to relieve himself of guilt somewhat) and while Henry does maintain the friendship (up until Puppet Charlie comes along and he has a crisis about it), Sammy starts to just hide behind Henry whenever Will comes along, or even retaliate in some degree (pushing him away and sobbing, runs away and doesn't want William talking to him). Henry definitely picked up on the behavior and got concerned, thinking William must've done something he didn't know (initially his mind thought of something worse, like William hurting Sammy without him knowing or something similar), which sort of escalates into some argument between the two. William doesn't really like being accused of such, he understands, but still stays firm that he didn't do anything to Sammy (which is true). Henry apologizes but he is genuinely worried about Sammy's well-being, with William throwing out the idea that maybe Sammy just isn't taking the grief well or is just going through a lot of emotions and doesn't know how to handle it properly.

Henry reluctantly tells William to go home, mostly to ask Sammy what's been going on and asking him what happened to William without him being in the proximity. Maybe he comes in and sees Sammy listening to the Marionette speaking full conversations with his kid and he gets... Confused, because he hasn't programmed any of those lines. He's confused, but Sammy shortly explains briefly that it's Charlie speaking, and that she's been in the Puppet for a good while now... Henry is a little skeptical, thinking it's just Sammy coping with the grief until Charlie actually does a full conversation with Henry and he's just... Stunned, understandably.

Before touching up on that can of worms however, Henry still asks Sammy what had happened with William and why he's so angry at him, in which Charlie (being Charlie), butts in and says William killed her and that she'd rather not let him hurt her brother in the future. Henry's a bit paralyzed from all the stuff that's been dropped on him impromptu but he doesn't really have time to break down because Sammy is there, but you can see how much this breaks him a bit. Sammy and Charlie agree that William should get it coming to him of course, and while Henry agrees, he says it's best to just find a way to prove William had something to do with it first than do anything... Drastic, to say the least.

SORRY IF THIS IS SUCH A LONG POST bruh I really just wrote a whole ass scenario based off of your awesome hcs and art 😭 I hope you like it! I'm always happy to get fanart from anyone 😭

[rosaniruby]

It's interesting how the second sentence victor starts the story with is "My ancestors had been for many years counsellors and syndics" and while i always focused on the effect it has on, for example, victor; trying to see the life of alphonse is also interesting in the way we can observe his trauma leaking out into his parenting methods and attitude towards his kids and wife.

Like,

-It is said they have a long history with being important and engaged in country's business. And as we see Alphonsa followed it, (and i highly suspect even when he sent victor to college he still expected him to take over this position later on), probably not having much of a choice either. It was all passed down, and even the character of this job is being passed down too. For example, traits fitting this job - responsibilities/brain over feelings. A sense of duty that follows them everywhere. Love isn't unconditional, it's a duty, as well as everything else they do.

It seems like he's just passing down the generational trauma.

Another instances where his bad experiences are being reflected in his behavior towards victor and others is also seen here:

-His dearest friend suddenly disappeared. Turns out he hid because of hurt pride of losing his fortune, simultaneously almost destroying his daughter's life bc of that as well as his own. and Alphonse felt betrayed that this false pride was more important than their friendship = notice how Alphonse assumes the reason for victor's misery is a false pride. And desperatively wants to keep his family in close-circle, so they won't leave each other. And him.

-He looked for the friend for a long time without stopping, but in the end was disappointed. "But when he entered, misery and despair alone welcomed him. Beaufort had saved but a very small sum of money from the wreck of his fortunes; but it was sufficient to provide him with sustenance for some months, and in the mean time he hoped to procure some respectable imployment in a merchant’s house. The interval was consequently spent in inaction; his grief only became more deep and rankling, when he had leisure for reflection; and at length it took so fast hold of his mind, that at the end of three months he lay on a bed of sickness, incapable of any exertion." = notice how he always thinks despair is useless and leads to even worse consequences, so, feeling things is BAD.

-After making a big deal out of loving and finding the friend, the moment he actually sees him dead, instead of thinking about that or even mentioning alphonse was sad or smth, theres not a single sentence about alphonse's reaction or even of that friend anymore, instead all attention drifts to beautiful poor Caroline and suddenly it's a story about saving her. Everything got romantized. = Obviously, the romantization of grief and suffering was very ingrained in Victor's whole family. It probably came from Alphonse and his ancestors too.

- It's also said in 1818 ver that alphonse really loved his sister (the mother of elizabeth) and she abandoned him (cut him off).

"for some years my father had very little communication with her."

= Now remember alphonse's later words and lessons about how cutting your family off means you are neglecting yourself and your other duties etc.

So yeak, Idk I just love how Frankenstein is also about generational trauma and people who didn't process their feelings ruining their kids' lifes. (and don't get me started on Caroline.)

[daistea]

Okay so this is the idea. I'm sorry this is so long.

A half-monster/beastkin reader joins the Touden party with the intent to make friends. The reader covers their monstrous features so they look human. Being with them for a day or two, they click with Laios the most. So they focus on trying to be his friend.

Reader does want to show their monster/beastly side, but immediately throws out that idea when they learn the party mostly eats monsters. Their fear becomes worse after what happens with the Kelpie and Laios's words "All monsters are dangerious." Add on them seeing Kensuke flee during the fight with the Red Dragon, and Laios's face when it happened. So the reader is certain that Laios would not be happy with the truth.

Sometime after they lose Falin (before or after they see her again as the chimaera, not sure yet), the reader slips up and Laios sees the truth. He's even more surprised when the first thing the reader says is "please don't eat me, please don't hurt me" while they're on the brink of tears.

I'd like this to have a happy ending cause I love hurt/comfort. The issue is I'm so stuck on how Laios would respond to the reader begging for their life and seeing how scared they are. They're basically friends, maybe Laios has a crush, but still on good terms. I doubt that Laios would get mad, but I feel like he'd be hurt that the reader fears him? Part of me is like "he'd be interested in them and want to trust them" and the other part of me is "he would feel betrayed and would want them gone" then the third part of my brain goes "it's just his reaction to Izutsumi again." The biggest thing I'm stuck on is the first words out of his mouth.

sorry again this is so long, thank you for reading

No prob!

Firstly, I think Laios would take the situation more seriously than he did with Izutsumi(tho his eyes may flicker down to a monster part and he’s totally interested and has questions but he’s holding them back, he’ll ask them later)

Laios is actually pretty reasonable! With the kelpie, he told Senshi it was a bad idea. Laios loves monsters, but he isn’t naive about them. He knows what they’re like/what they’re capable of. Still, he let Senshi do his thing because he loves his friends(and was kinda interested in seeing what would happen). I think there’d definitely be a little war in his mind upon seeing the reader. That’s his friend! But he silently wonders what they’re capable of, how much of their mind is monster-wired… Depending on the monster they’re blended with, he might even be on edge. But that’s still his friend. Just like when he sees Faligon, that’s his sister so he’s shocked. But he’s also amazed and interested. And once it’s clear that she’s not fully herself, that she’s a danger, he knows hurting her is unavoidable, no matter how much it hurts himself to do so.

ANYWAY it would be a mix of emotions. I think he’d be a little pouty that reader didn’t tell him earlier bc he would’ve liked to take notes on them… He wouldn’t be angry, tho. Reader didn’t hurt anyone, ofc. Their begging would surprise him. His first question might be why they’re scared, what’s happened to make them react with fear. He might go sober and serious as he asks how much of their mind is monster, etc. If the reader is honest and explains that they know Laios doesn’t trust monsters and literally eats them, I think he’d be surprised and honestly start to explain that ‘well, the monsters aren’t sapient’ (I’m not sure if that would be a word used in that time period or even by Laios, but it’s the only word I can think of that succinctly describes what he’d be trying to say.)

I think he’d get lost on a tangent tbh. He’d get excited, bc he’s already clocked that they’re not dangerous(which he kinda already knew/suspected) then the biology and fun questions would start pouring in. He’s more interested in fulfilling his curiosity. If the reader is serious, though, he’d get serious. If they’re crying, he’d try his best to comfort them, probably by saying something out of pocket like ‘hey don’t be upset… You’re the best of both worlds’ which is nice.. he thinks you’re a good monster And a good human. But also WHAT? How could you not be upset? You’re terrified for your life because of your monster half!

Anywho. I hope this helps!! Let me know if you have any questions or just want to bounce some thoughts around

[idrils]

death/suicide tw under the cut. lots and lots of rambling

my ex husband passed away last night and i'm very 😵‍💫 about it. how is one supposed to feel about this

we haven't spoken since the divorce was finalized almost 4 years ago, it's not like we still had any kind of relationship. but he and my brother were still close, and i'm absolutely gutted for his mother, who as far as i know hadn't seen him in person in almost 10 years. she had him (the good son with a good job and a house in america), her failure to launch con man son, and her even worse in-and-out-of-prison son. so i'm heartbroken that she lost the one good one

i had a ghoulish sort of relief that the person in the world who probably had the lowest opinion of me is no longer living so my overall World Estimation has increased. and then i thought well, his mother probably hates me much more now so i might actually come out behind. i didn't have any positive feelings left for him (bc he didn't treat me well while we were married), but i certainly didn't wish him dead. i also have a morbid relief that this didn't happen while we were married, when i would have been devastated and on top of that would have to organize a transcontinental funeral (something i worried about frequently)

my feelings are all jumbled. i wondered how he'd done it (ghoulish), and then hoped he didn't suffer (compassion), and then corrected myself that if he took his own life he must have been suffering for some time (very very sad)

my mother in law had a very compassionate reaction, which was that the holidays are hard for people who don't have a support system. and he didn't really have a support system, a distant family across the sea and a handful of american friends who likely didn't have a lot of time for him now that they all have small children. and that almost makes me annoyed with him bc i was the one doing the work for him to maintain those relationship when we were married. so i feel guilty, and then annoyed at the guilt, and then sympathy, and around and around it goes

my own mother was much less sympathetic, bc she's an old bitch who puts me first lmao. she just said she was so relieved i'd gotten out of his abyss and not been dragged down with him. which i thought was kind of a cruel thing to say, but she's not wrong. i'm relieved too. and then i feel guilty over being relieved that it's not my problem to deal with and i don't have to have emotions about it at all

overall, i'm doing fine. this won't change my day to day life. i will continue to feel weird on really cold january days after both this and my sister-in-law's murder. i regret that the world has lost overall a good man who was a good friend to people who are not me. i'm terribly sad for his family and the friends who loved him. i'm just not among that number anymore

[popstart]

Am I the only one who feels like the way this fandom talks about female characters is always so like???? Omg girlboss but also a girlfailure I support women’s rights AND wrongs she was robbed!!!! Idk it’s always the same few phrases lol I don’t get it.

OHHHH I AGREE SO HARD💀 seeing the same 3 phrases used to describe the female characters bc they think its a diversity win. ok.

Female character is independent or strong etc -> omg shes suuuuch a girlboss teehee🙈 step on me. other weird and annoying sexual comments bc girlbossery is sexy (or something) and thats the only appeal female characters are allowed to have for a lot of people Female character is kinda cringe sometimes and doesnt succeed at everything -> omg my silly girlfaliure girlloser shes so sillystupid i love her Female character has dimension -> omg??? shes like a girlboss and a girlfaliure at the same time???

ignoring the fact i hate so many things about tacking on the prefix girl to random shit as something that feels like a negative connotation (or something degrading), there is 0 critical thinking people have for female characters and its like. ok man. people come up with 600 random headcanons and backstory elements for every single male character they like but designate the female characters they like to "oh ummm shes a girlboss so i like her😊" AWWEEESOMEEEEE. LOVE TO SEE IT🥴

and to people that dont see that or say that doesnt happen....... it does. i see it with my own eyeballs every damn day. eg; in fanon noah has 8 (or 9? i forget) girlboss sisters and is an expert hacker and speaks 300 languages and knows everything and makes 0 mistakes and is always calculated all the time and has 20 boyfriends while in canon he got kicked out of the opportunity of 100k dollars because he was reading and hates everyone and plays video games all day and is a massive schmuck for 1 single person that being emma. sorry noah fans thats just how it is. headcanons are fine but it gets to the point where its like hey guys what are we doing here.

and ok whatever. say we all stop talking about noah bc god knows he did nothing to deserve it. where do we go from there? the amount of people i see saying they wish there was more f/f in fandom they just dont wanna write it or people that say they wish they wrote f/f more its just too hard has me :I i think it really just proves how little fanon there is for female characters. since generally fanon is what fandom bases its fanfiction and general characterization on and f/f famously contains only women, it makes sense that if its "hard" to write for f/f pairings it means that people just dont care enough about the women to make wide spread fandom interpretations of them.

and it reaaaaaally sucks. total drama has what i consider a pretty good cast of diverse female characters. And sure, a lot of the time the show doesnt do them justice (they were robbed as many many MANY people say) but a lot of them have so much potential and all of them have at least SOME potential. but ofc, due to how theyre treated in the fandom, no one really cares about them outside of them being paired up with men. and even worse, people will just straight ignore them outright a lot of the time because they 'get in the way of their mlm ship' or some bs.

am i saying its inherently misogynistic to write mlm ships? HELLLLLL no. im just saying that the heavy apathy or visceral anger many many many female characters get unless theyre paired up with a man or because they 'get in the way of' a mans love for another man is quite frankly laughable when you consider what actually goes on in the show. this shit was made for kids, these people are kids. its just so weird just how obsessed people can be with a fictional character to the point of these overblown reactions to other characters of the same god damn show

[oneforthemunny]

that photo you reblogged of wayne, eddie and vega is so funny

do you think when she first started exhibiting her wildness eddie went to wayne and was like ? help ? and wayne was like ! thats what you were like !

so when kensie was little (I know the ask is about vega but I promise it makes sense lol) she’s like extremely emotional all the time. stage five clinger, separation anxiety to the max, and she’s just got a lot of big emotions and big feelings. she cries at everything.

neither one of you really know what to do, but you’re a little bit more understanding. maybe it’s more so because it’s maternal instincts and she’s clinging to you all the time so it’s easier for you to be understanding and soft with her, but eddie starts to get frustrated. he’s a new parent, relatively, and he’s not a perfect parent by any means, and it’s hard being a parent. especially when he can’t understand why she’s crying so much.

wayne’s out visiting, because he always is, and kensie starts crying over something or another, something eddie thinks is just absurd and he kinda gets huffy with her for all of .5 seconds before wayne’s about to slap him upside the head.

he takes kensington, and is really gentle and calm, talks to her sweetly and she calms down. eddie’s like ??? how did you do that. “you gotta listen to her, boy. don’t try to rationalize s’much. listen.”

“but she loses her shit over the smallest things that are no big deal-“

“to you.” wayne narrows his eyes at him. “they’re not a big deal, to you. you know better, understand more because you can. she’s a baby still, ed. she doesn’t understand everything and some things are new and upsetting, and that’s ok. you were the same way… ‘til your daddy got tired of it.”

that sends eddie over the edge and from then on, he tries to listen instead of getting frustrated or rationalizing. wayne’s got this very calm, steady energy (zarah inherited it). like he’s very go with the flow, but also knowledgeable, and he helps eddie a lot as a parent.

from then on, eddie goes to wayne all the time. befkre, he wouldn’t do it as much because he felt like a ‘bad parent’ but really, it was helpful to everyone.

then along came miss vega jo. she’s a whoopsie. wayne’s older and she’s unlike any of the other girls, including the twins. she’s fucking insane. literally unhinged from baby times. you think it’s because of the age gap with her sisters, that she grew up around them, but whatever it is, she’s crazy.

eddie’s like whatever I can handle her, but she’s on another level. like she’s a bad ass kid when she’s little lmao. like very bad and he’s kinda like??? what do I do when she’s this insane??? and she’s sweet, but she’s just high energy all the time… with him lol. she like lives to torment eddie bc she thinks it’s hilarious.

then with you she’s a terror but she’s sweet, and with wayne she’s a different child entirely. calm and sweet and gentle.

eddie really is like how the fuck do you know how to do this?? and wayne is like??? she’s you.

“I was never that bad, wayne, my dad would’ve beat me.”

“boy, you were worse. you used to talk and talk and run and get into anything and everything. you never sat down- you still don’t!”

and eddie’s pouty like it isn’t true but… it is. and really, vega thrives off reaction. so when she does something chaotic and eddie has a naturally dramatic reaction, like he always does, that just fuels her fire. plus, he’s got chaos just radiating off of him naturally.

wayne tells him just to calm down. be calm with her, let yourself be relaxed, and she’ll match that. sure enough, she’s less of a terror when he does. she will talk through the entire movie, but she stays sitting next to eddie, asking a million questions that he answers calmly to keep her attention.

wayne is a wizard with kids and eddie’s thankful for him <3

[dunadaan]

.

Yknow like. I don’t like to talk about it publicly (or even privately all too often) but even when I vent privately and write out the things I am doing at home to avoid my dad….seeing it all written out makes me go “Kiran. This is not normal living. Normal people don’t live like this.” But I’m so used to it that I basically gaslight myself bc what if I’m wrong? What if I’m making it sound worse than it is?? It’s not *always* like this so surely it’s not that bad.

But god. My dad kicked me out of the house over the holidays and we never spoke about what happened even when I came back. He had yelled and screamed at me- eyes wide and literally spitting as he screamed over the fact that I wanted to spend xmas eve with my mom and xmas with him. As I’ve done every year….he is so jaded and bitter and angry abt my mom moving on after their nasty divorce that the vitriol with which he screamed at me was shocking how much he had in him. We got into a screaming match which I have only ever screamed *once* at my dad- that was at the height of my parents divorce, when my dad would trap me in the car to rant and I screamed and begged him to stop treating me like a punching bag and a therapist. It was awful. And again I had just screamed at him that I couldn’t win-there was no making him happy.

I don’t see my mom anymore bc I’m too afraid of my dad’s reaction. He would always get antsy and think I was leaving to move in with her. He always asked abt my younger sister, who he lost custody of. All he had to do was go to court mandated anger management for six sessions. He could’ve just pretended! Faked getting better! And he put his own fears and himself before her and never went through with it. I am so happy for my younger sister that she escaped. My older sister, too- she cut him off a long time ago. I’m the only one left bc I felt so guilty for leaving him alone, that no one would choose him. He genuinely has no one else in his life and it is such a heavy fucking burden to bear, knowing very well I’m all that’s left.

My older sister told me that I was enabling him by staying…and honestly, she was right. He didn’t change for my mom until it was too late. Not for my older sister. And he will never change for me. As much as I love him, I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to be 30 at home regretting that I was too scared to leave and felt compelled to be there. But I have lived for so long never able to see a future bc I’m too scared of my dad. I have never planned more than 6 months of my life in advanced bc I could never see myself escaping. Never got my license bc my dad refused driving lessons for us and screamed at us while teaching us to drive- instilling a terror of driving in me. I dont want to give control of the car to him if he bought one for me and he demands to be part of the buying process so I just. Gave up.

While he’s somewhat mellowed out over the years, seeing how angry he was, how much he was holding in and directed at me was shocking. He hates that my mom moved on, hates that Trinity moved on, hates her bf, comes up with these delusional stories and thoughts that he feeds his anger on. Said that he didn’t want “sloppy seconds” (fucking gross) and to go spend the holidays with them. That he didn’t want to see my face until the holidays were over. And in that moment I was more angry and irritated than scared and I fought back.

I remember how I used to feel as a kid when my dad was furious- which was constant. Small and scared and alone, and at least I had my older sister then. Anything could set him off- a football game, a bad day at work, a piece of Mail, a phone call, using the wrong tone of voice around him. But now I have no one, and I just…I just didn’t care. The best way to deal with him is to be silent. To say nothing, no matter how much you want to, bc it’ll make it worse. Let him ride out his anger. And when he calms down and “apologizes” (there is always a “but” and a long explanation) it’s better to just say okay. Any time in the past I said it wasn’t okay, or that I don’t forgive him, he got more pissed and it got worse. My mom always put herself in front of us to protect us from him and have him redirect his anger at her because he was taking his anger out on kids!!! Why do you have beef with a 4 year old and a 7 year old!!! My mom even quit her jobs to stay home with us on the weekends bc we were terrified of our dad. I had completely blocked that out until recently.

But god I just stood in the kitchen so confused as he took his anger out on me. I’m an emotional person so ofc I’m not as brave as to not feel fear, but I told him to calm down and use his words (made him madder). He was so angry and nasty and I just said “why are you making yourself a martyr?” And his face went pale and he stopped in his tracks and he actually stopped speaking before telling me fuck you. I will never forget that I had that power over him for just one second. He was ranting about how he has lost everything and paid for it and still paid for it and couldn’t win and I called him out.

And of course it made everything worse, but still. We had a shouting match that just left me sobbing bc I couldn’t win. I can’t make anyone happy. Not seeing my mom anymore didn’t make him happy. Seeing my mom pissed him off. I crawled into bed and bawled so hard I got stomach cramps trying to be quiet. I don’t understand why I try or why I’ve tried for so long. I am so exhausted and have spent my entire life like this.

I’ve walked on eggshells around him since I could speak. I have to be hyper aware of his moods and how quickly he can get angry and try and anticipate that. I dread the rumble of his diesel engine and my day is “over” when he comes home. I constantly check the windows and the door window to see if he’s there. I listen to his breathing to gauge his emotions, especially his anger. I listen to how he WALKS, for fucks sake. I know his footprints and can tell his mood by it. I often have one earbud off to listen for him. I hide in my room any time I’m home bc it’s the only place I feel safe. There’s a lot more too but. This is my normal. I’ve never lived in any other way.

But today I was cleaning and walked into his room to put something away and got SO scared bc my brain tricked me into thinking he was there- it was a fan at the corner of the room instead. I legitimately gasped and felt a super sharp pang of fear in my stomach, and then heard the rumble of a diesel engine which made it even worse as I ran to check the window. It wasn’t him.

I’ve known for a long time that the way he treats me isn’t okay. I know by typing it all out it’s insane to go “am I the asshole?” Bc. In what world would I be. But my brain is so numb to it that it’s like “whatever.” And every time we sit down to talk my dad manages to twist my words and actions so thoroughly that I question myself with everything. Even if I’m confident abt something I can never trust myself bc what if I’m wrong? What if I am a bad person and do all these bad things and blaming it all on my dad? What if I really am what he says and it’s not as bad as I’m making it out to be? I second guess every decision in my life bc of this.

But the fact that I was home alone and panicked THAT badly thinking he was in the house….

I came home from spending Christmas with my mom and stayed until the 27th, so I had been dreading seeing my dad. My dad and I haven’t spoken much at all since then. He hasn’t apologized at all- we still haven’t even opened gifts. They’re just sitting there. He approached me the other day and said that he wanted to live in “peace” and that I needed to be an adult and open gifts and we can get pizza- he wanted to open gifts bc he wanted to take down the tree, and refuses to order pizza himself. He acted as though I were at fault for the atmosphere.

I have pretty much been hiding in my room since the 27th. I leave only when I hear him go into the garage or when I know he’s in his room. I stash some food in my room but I often don’t eat all day until he goes to bed at night and I’m running out of food to hide. I am probably eating less than 600 calories a day since I’ve been home. I am so tired of living like this and I need to have to spine to talk, but I don’t feel like it should be *me* to broach it. I wasn’t the one who caused all this and like….part of me is shocked he hasn’t outright apologized for how horrifically he treated me. And yet the other half of me knows that he’s always been like this..why would he feel remorse for treating me this way when this is how it’s been my whole life? That he never wants to take accountability?

I want to tell him that I’m done. That he isn’t going to change for me and I see that now. That I want to move out and go abroad. I have the most amazing opportunity to teach English and I have a potential roommate set up and friends and a support system. I have never had goals or dreams bc I was too afraid to leave him alone in fear that he would kill himself bc he talks about it a lot. How he would do it, how he wants to do it. More recently especially….and if I’m honest, he just bought a rifle which scares me. My mom took his shotgun to hide bc she had no idea if he’d finally go through with it (especially with me staying behind with him- apparently he’s threatened to kill himself my parents whole marriage.) For years I lived in fear of coming home and finding my dad’s body in the house. And I can’t live like this anymore.

My biggest dilemma is taking Posey with me. I feel evil and cruel for even considering taking her with me abroad. posey is just as much my cat as she is my dads, and he was the one who found her. But the thought of abandoning her, even if only for a year or two (or longer, who knows) is so horrifying to me. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her behind. But even now, after all this, I still feel terrible for my dad. That when I leave I’ll be the last person to do so, and to take the cat too??? He’d truly be left with nothing. I don’t even think he’d LET me take her. Do I steal my cat and take her?? Potentially damaging my already awful relationship with my dad? I’ll habe to leave a majority of my things behind and I don’t want to cut contact bc I dont want to lose access to these things eventually- whether I move out permanently or not.

If I tell him I want to leave idk what will happen. Maybe it’ll be a wake up call. Maybe he’ll become worse. Maybe I’ll be weak and break down and give in and not move out. Maybe he’ll end up killing himself or even me (though I highly doubt it…it’s not a 0% chance).

I’ve never moved out before. I pay my own bills and can cook and clean but the thought is terrifying. I’d leave everything behind if it meant taking my cat with me. There’s so many hoops to go through and I’m scared but I have to do this. I have to do this but I don’t know how to be brave. If I can’t even face talking to him, how can I be brave enough to be independent and escape? I am trying to take baby steps but god. I am so paralyzed with fear and don’t know how to start. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to go back to what’s “normal” for me. I want to live.

Idk. I am just so tense and emotionally fraught and frazzled. My body has been clenching so hard the last few weeks that my teeth are aching. My dad just pulled up in his truck and I am so nervous and anxious. My day is over now…idk how to do this. Idk how to face him bc we have to talk eventually. But in my heart I know it won’t go well.

[theodoraflowerday]

heartstopper s3e2 live episode reaction

and it's gonna start to get so much worse I wanna bask on that final scene for a little longer

bro it took me one hour to watch a half hour episode

"shame mom had to pull out" honestly yeah it's such a shame I'm gonna miss Sarah so much this season

but also HELLO AUNT PEGGY CARTER

oh he wrote it down lmao me too charlie

OH. OH OKAY CHARLES

bro and by the end of this they're gonna be having sex idk how I'm gonna cope

tori's face.... she's always so worried about charlie I get her so much

oh my god

JANE STOP

TORI SPRING CHARLIE'S #1 DEFENDER

"can you please not undermine me like that in front of him" stop making her do your job then she's a *child*

I see julio's prob not gonna be in this season either lol bc that was his line not tori's

oh my god auntie diane didn't know (or at least not officially bc i know sarah was gushing over charlie)

bro and nick came out to her just like that....... my baby boy I'm so proud of him

"you know me" "I do" oh I BET y'all do

"I'll be good" "not too good tho" OOHHHHHH AYEEEEEEEEEE

I know in the comics they've only been dating for a year and I know they're probably at MOST late 20s but please can we have a nathan/youssef wedding in s4 (at least just a mention)

STOP DARCY'S GRANDMA IS SO WHOLESOME please don't be transphobic

not sahar saying she's unsurprised about imogen's high drama grade skfjdkfk y'all are gonna be the messiest gfs

oh darcy baby

ALL NINES??????

OXBRIDGE PREP GROUP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LETS FUCKIN GO TARA

"exams mean nothing" oh tori baby

omg nick did terrible at math he's so relatable I love him

oh wait he passed math. is it obvious I'm not english lmao

"NEVER IN DOUBT" oh uncle rick you'll always be famous

god please let charlie go to menorca with nick's family next year please

oh that's not great

NOT A SHIRTLESS SELFIE NICHOLAS YOU WHORE

oh isaac youll get used to this don't worry (yes worry)

OH HELLO JACK MADDOX

"you're abandoning me again" god every time tori speaks it tugs at my heartstrings

"I don't wanna see mum" and she accepts it.... greatest big sister in the world bro

oh char

CATCH PLANES NOT FEELINGS LMFAOOOOOOO IMOGEN I LOVE YOU

OH AUNTIE DIANE IS A PSYCHIATRIST LETS GOOOOOOO TEAM PSYCH

oh nick baby talk to her she's about the single most qualified person you could be talking about this to

oh I love you darcy's grandma you're so cute

darcy giving away her skirts..... or should I say THEIR SKIRTS. LET'S GO NB DARCY

oh tori

oh tori no

oh my god tori no

bro tori is breaking my heart CAN WE GET MICHAEL HERE WE NEED SUNSHINE

TAO NOOOOOOOOOO

"I wish I'd sat still" oh no

bro this show is gonna fuck me up

Isaac being worried about charlie 😭 also isaac being annoyed is SO ME I'd be smacking them left and right like wow

NOT ELLE COPYING TAO'S "RRRUDE"

ISAAC WENT TO CHECK ON CHARLIE what the fuck no one appreciates isaac enough what the fuck

oh they're watching a movie :( bffs :(

I love them so much your honor

also where are imogen and sahar I miss them :(

oh my GOD TORI IS ON TUMBLR

HER BEST FRIENDS HER BROTHER I LOVE YOU TORIIII

I know this season probably kills any solitaire adaptation hopes but I would have loved to see solitaire :(

omg julio IS here and being horrible at cooking!

OH MY GOD SHES LOOKING AT HIS LAPTOP

TORI'S TEXTING NICK OH MY H OD

tori 🤝 nick -> being charlie's #1 stans

OH MY GOD SHE SAID ILY

BRO THATS SO CUTEEEEEEEEEE I LOVE THEM

oh my god that's so horrifying

god you can *feel* his anxiety

I'm preemptively crying don't mind me

I was right to start preemptively crying that was *so* bad oh my god

bro charlie's face how he can't contain the tears i

im not gonna cope well with any of this

oh god im literally *sobbing*

my cat heard me sobbing, started kneading on my legs for like a few seconds and then left lmao skfkskfldkf tjsgs not good none of this is great

there's no way that was the ending

they just had me sobbing my eyes out and were like "ok time for a break" ok THANKS

please give both joe and kit like a thousand emmys

[lost-amongst-the-stars]

Therapy recap

C started off explaining the flooding that caused our last appointment to get cancelled. Basically a pipe burst on Friday but the people who run the clinic kept trying to stay open but by Monday morning the floors were completely fucked but they didn't send out the email about closing for the day until 9:45. Right as C was arriving. So now the building is closed until further notice which won't really affect me other than this past Monday.

Then we talked about our orthotics appointment this morning (I'll write more on that later). We talked about the party Sunday night and having to duck out towards the end bc it was too much for us.

Then we talked about K and our conversation last Thursday in which she broke down about feeling awful all the time and everything feeling hard and we talked to her about burnout and how worried we are about her. And how since then she has continued working every possible moment and saying she doesn't know why everything feels so awful. We talked about the frustration at watching her continue to just push harder and harder as she gets more burnt out. C made a comment about how often people in burnout are ok at work but fall apart and home, and I was like oh she's well past that point. That was the past four years. From what she's telling us, she's no longer holding it together at work. She's frequently crying at work in front of coworkers and basically has little to no emotional regulation left. Which. Is not a great sign. C asked what would happen if K fully burns out and can no longer work and uh. Nothing good. Things would definitely get a lot harder for all of us. C suggested that might be a way to get through to her.

Then we talked about stuff that's been coming up re: mum. Vague memories of telling her what dad was doing to us and getting in trouble for telling such terrible lies. Other vague memories of getting in trouble for trying to "drive apart" my parents and harm their relationship. Fragments of memories of mum screaming at us. Long screaming matches between her and my sister with storming feet and slamming doors. C noted that these memories are likely connected to our big reactions to K stomping around and slamming doors and I laughed bc that's exactly what S said when I told him about it. We talked about the resentment I felt towards my sister for making things worse. I would default to shutdown or fawn but her main response was fight. And while it was never really enjoyable to be around our father, just varying degrees of bad, mum could be fun and kind and caring. But she could also be mean and scary. So when my sister yelled back and "made things worse" I resented her for ruining the chance at a good day. For taking away "good mum". As an adult, I can see that if mum was responding so severely, it was likely a problem she was having and we probably wouldn't have had a good day anyway but we couldn't see that as a kid.

[evansbby]

I finally finished obx season 4 and here are my immediate thoughts... (SPOILERS under the cut!!)

Okay firstly, TikTok spoiled it for me so I knew JJ was gonna die. But like... WHAT THE FUCK. Why did I cry anyways lmfaooo. But also firstly let me address the elephant in the room. Not them hyping up Jiara for three seasons just to give us such a lacklustre "relationship" (if you could even call it that) in this season!! LIKE THIS IS SO INSANE TO ME. I don't care if the actors have drama in real life like I actually do not. I actually hate it when actors let their personal lives get in the way of their projects because the lack of professionalism is crazy like I'm sorry but that is just insane. The rest of us normal everyday folk go to work and get shit done every single day even if we hate our co workers. You have Sarah and John B who's actors are literally exes but they know how to show up to work and do their jobs!!

AND THIS ESPECIALLY SUCKED during JJ's death scene because Kiara was just not giving!!! Like IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SO MUCH MORE EMOTIONAL ON HER PART. Like if I was her I'd be all up in JJ's arms, or holding him in my arms like that's the love of your life about to DIE??? He is on his literal deathbed and you're here social distancing??? It should've been him in her arms, her cradling his head, cupping his face, holding him, trying to get him to hold on SHOWING SOME KIND OF CONVICTION. No! Nothing. Barely anything. No conviction, flat emotion. Someone said it must've been the stunt double dying in front her haha. No but seriously it's only when I saw John B's reaction to JJ dead that actually had me crying.

NO BC HONESTLY those two actors Rudy and Madison killed Jiara this season. Truly!!! And you'd think they'd act mature for the integrity of the show, the quality of the show but NOPE. oh well!!!

But anyways, apart from that let's move on to Rafe bc I know everyone loves Rafe and HONESTLY THIS WAS THE SEASON I FELL IN LOVE WITH RAFE BC WHY WAS HE SO CALM THIS SEASON???? WHAT HAPPENED TO UNHINGED RAFE?? But him and Sofia were soooo sweet together!! Although I really do not understand how he BROKE UP WITH HER after literally saying he didn't care what she did because he's done worse??? Like??? I really thought that was him saying it's OK, whatever you've done it doesn't matter. But no... my dude literally dumped her long distance over the phone WITHOUT LETTING HER GET A WORD IN even after his whole getting down on one knee, giving her his mother's ring and that whole speech???? IDGI. (But also he was so hot this season like sooo gorgeous that face card is insane holy shit and also he is soooo tall especially compared to Sofia and I thought all their scenes were sooooo cute ahhh he was soo touchy with her!!!! and in love!!!!)

But also top five worse Rafe moments was in Morocco when his poor pregnant sister Sarah is like... DYING and hasn't eaten in two days and he watches the rest of them steal food for her bc they don't have money AND THIS WHOLE TIME THIS BITCH RAFE HAD MONEY??? Like why did the writers make such a weird decision?? Bc they were clearly going for the Rafe redemption arc so it makes zero sense why would he not buy his sister food? He KNEW she was pregnant bc he was there at the fire when she announced it right???? DID I MISS SOMETHING???? idk i feel like this was weird on the writers' part.

ALSO SPEAKING OF PREGNANT SARAH???? This girl was hop skip running jumping SURVIVING STORMS AND SHIPWRECKS AND SANDSTORMS while pregnant?!?! WTF.... like damn ok.

ANYWAYS my favourite character was Pope because he has the most common sense and is the smartest and honestly HONESTLY in season 5 he needs to get away from the rest of them and go to med school and live HIS life!!! and also take Cleo with him bc they are so cute together!! and balance each other out nicely.

Overall I think it was a good season. Jiara died this season they were basically friends and nothing more but oh well. And i know everyone's gonna hate me for this and i know i ship Rafe and Sofia but LETS GOOO RAFE X KIARA (it's not gonna happen but i like to imagine it haha)

what did you guys think?

[post-office-by-the-bay]

dearest covey,

how is life by the sea treating you? i hope the salty air and wet sand are making you feel at home.

no, but in all seriousness, i love the new blog! this must have taken so long to make! the idea is so cute, too, the vibes are immaculate. I feel like i'm actually at the seaside.

i know i haven't sent a letter in for a while, and i'm sorry, it's just been a super hectic week. i went to visit my grandparents this weekend, and they don't have internet at their cottage, so i wasn't able to access tumblr, but i did manage to finish an essay that has been stressing me out this past week, and i'm really proud of it! in othwe news, i went thrifting on friday, and found the CUTEST white maxi skirt, plus some pretty pajama shorts with blue flowers. i also got some makeup from the mall, including some nice blush/highlighter, and some lip oil. my little brother (5th grade) came third place in a district-wide chess tournament, which makes me a little worried about him getting bullied, but i'm still proud of him lol. seriously, though, that kid is scary smart. he's definitely the favourite child. (joking, I hope). do you have siblings? i have two younger ones, my brother and my sister, and while they can be a pain in the butt and hog the nintendo switch, i'd still die for them any day.

i'm thinking about converting the radio station to a flower shop, if only because there's better inspiration pics on pinterest and i'm not extroverted enough to be a dj lol.

that's all i really have to say, but I hope you life has been good recently!

love from way up in canada, flora. 💐

to my best girl flora,

the salty air is amazing, but compares nothing to sitting in your flower shop with you by my side!!

(squealing- we're so cutesy, you and i!)

no worries about the time between letters. i'll always wait for all of you!! i actually spent my weekend by the beach but i had the worst goddamn cell service like fr not a single bar in sight- pissing me off lmao. congrats on finishing that essay tho!! i FINALLY found time to talk to my ap gov teacher and she was a massive help with my FRQ4 (essay answer, basically) bc ya girl was STRUGGLING. also, i loveeeee when i have a good thrift. i found the cutest tank top the other day but it's been too gloomy to wear as of late.

also, about your brother, TELL HIM CONGRATS FOR ME!! my school is kinda strange bc we're also having chess competitions rn but they are actually hyped up more than football games. everyone who competes is actually so cool and well loved, so just let him know that cool people play chess too!!

i've got an older sister who's pretty cool. but...tbh, i think in every single other universe, im the older sister (lemme explain-). she's got really bad anxiety so my parents have always kinda babied her and there have never really been any expectations put on her, so they were all kinda put on me. i've gotten really good at lying to take the blame for things that she did bc her anxiety and mental issues would just make my parents reaction worse so i just take the blame bc she's my sister. of course im gonna look out for her, ya know??? she also went through a weird phase of wishing i didn't exist to my face when i was like eight BUT she's gone to therapy and apologize for that so we good!! i truly do love her but i know im her protector, not the other way around!! which is chill, ya know!

ANYWAYS MOVING ON FROM THE KINDA TRUAMA DUMP- i think a floral shop would be so so cute!! and while i LOVE the dj theme, i think it's kinda hard but the floral shop will be so much easier and wayyy easier to find pics for too!!

all my love from da beach,

covey 𐙚⊹ ࣪ ˖

[theinfinitedivides]

HELLO AGAIN 🙌🏻

was patiently waiting to see your takes on ktl ep 12 because lord what an episode that was.

i paused so much during the last scene just to take multiple deep breaths to prepare myself because istg i was literally dreading the whole thing. god, those maid outfits.. i can't.

the image of the plate breaking and sarang's heartbroken eyes are still so vivid in my mind, i literally cried the moment the episode ended because did i expect conflict and angst? yes. was i prepared for that? nope. not at all.

i feel like it hurts even more because we've had episode after episode of them being madly in love and now we see won seated at the table in his house being served by sarang in a maid outfit with the daughter of the other hotel's chairman sitting right next to him and we hear his dad say he wants them to get married within the year. like wow. that's just a stab to the heart.

absolutely can't wait to see how the rest of that situation plays out, but more than anything, i'm terrified about what's going to happen to sarang for breaking a plate because the manager kept mentioning how "the dream team" never makes mistakes and it's stressing me out.

on another note, that whole scene where sarang opened up about her mom to won at the sea was so beautiful. also, won's reaction to sarang telling him what she found out about his mother and giving him her picture.. i honestly couldn't quite figure out what won was feeling in that moment and don't think he did either. the way he was just so overwhelmed with emotions and had to walk away to look at the picture and process everything.

also, my heart broke for pyeonghwa. her backstory literally made my blood boil. WHO TF DO MEN THINK THEY ARE?

on a similar note, can daeul please take chorong and leave her husband and his shitty family. the amount of patience she has to tolerate the treatment they give her is insane. ofc that's easier said than done though and the heartbreaking reality is the stigma divorce has on women which shouldn't even be there in the first place.

lastly, hwaran. she surprises me every episode because somehow she manages to get worse and worse. terrible mother, terrible sister, full of greed, absolutely heartless, manipulative, cunning.. the list goes on. now she wants sangsik on her side too and i honestly can't predict this one but i'm putting my trust in sangsik. please do not let us down. 🙏🏻

no idea what's going to happen in this week's episodes but to everyone who complained about there being barely any plot in ktl what were you watching, first of all, and i hope you're happy because the drama is drama-ing rn. 😭

love how we're both having basically the exact same thoughts about all of the sh*t that went down over the weekend and now we get to pick it apart while still having somewhat of a meltdown, sksksksk. going to put this under a read more bc i don't know how much is going to be collapsed on the dash and i can almost guarantee that this will get longer than the last two asks i answered although i will try to avoid that, my apologies

i stand by my previous statement that bringing Sa Rang there to that specific meal as part of the Dream Team when the arranged marriage was going to come up was Hwa Ran's doing bc that overlapped too f*cking well to be a coincidence. she knew what that would do to Won, not only bc of his trauma but bc of the way he defended Sa Rang from the assemblyman (when he raised his voice at her *cough*) and she really came out here and said she'd milk that for all it was worth bc he handed that extra weakness to her and f*ck. she's one of the worst people in this series but hats off to her for going for the f*cking jugular and doing it well (and endangering Sa Rang's job in the process, bc hey what happens when you're part of a team that doesn't make mistakes and then you make a mistake? nothing good i'm assuming). i especially hate how this comes after they went to visit the sea and Sa Rang opens up to Won about her mom (and tells him about his own mom in the process, but we're getting there), bc we all know how much she has wanted to work at King Hotel, how much the memories of her mother are entangled with them. working at the hotel is like the causeway in the midst of the sea, the last connection she has where Won has none, and if this plate breaking is part of the catalyst excuse for Hwa Ran to try and force her out of the company (though i doubt that will be the only reason she'll use, we need something more substantial) it will be like the tide has returned and she is back at that beach, trying to go and see her mother, crying bc she is not able to, bc no wind turbine can bear the weight of her, and that will definitely f*ck me up more than anything else has so far. (writer-nim don't do that to me pls i don't think i'd be able to make it)

but Won. his dynamic with the memory of his mother flays me open and lays me out to dry and they really dug into that with the photo, bc the first thing i thought of when i saw his face (notice that we did not see hers clearly enough, that was a strategic choice; are they trying to say that he is a reflection of her in that as well, a la 'and they will recognize all the lines of your face / in the face of the daughter of the daughter of my daughter (son)'?) was Lucille Clifton's brilliant poem "oh antic God", seen below (screenshotted) and linked as well—

really and truly i can't pick any lines bc the whole thing applies (except for the part where she talks about her current age) and i hope you can see why, bc as much as he says he does not want to know anything about his mother i think something shifted when he took the photo from Sa Rang and he saw. Junho does so, so well here with all of the microexpressions, since that is what part of what makes the scene—there's a certain time where you think he could be angry, almost, at Sa Rang for going ahead when he told her he didn't want to but then she tells him that she does not want him to have regrets and he has to walk away from her. be careful or you'll end up like her, Hwa Ran said, unimportant and forgotten, but here is Sa Rang speaking of someone who remembers her, and she was good, and she was kind, and she was brave and beautiful and loved at least, and he doesn't know what to do with that information and we don't either. and so he steps forward, braces himself (i see this as a callback to his stance in ep 3 when he leaves the interview, bc i don't know why everything keeps coming back to that panic attack but i sincerely thought that the way things were going we would get his hands on his knees in the same way), and for a moment i looks like he is trying to say something, anything, lips parted, but there is no sound, no noise, only the single tear on his cheek, and God the camera cuts away from him—

i am trying to be very normal about this but uh. my brain is screaming 'COSMIA COSMIA COSMIA' (Joanna Newsom for the second time my beloved but this version too) interspersed with 'wish i knew / wish i knew the words to this one' and that's kind of complicating matters don't you think

as for Pyeong Hwa and Da Eul—ykw i think they deserve a little murder. they deserve to go batsh*t. just as a treat bc the men????? that they have consistently had in their lives????? no woman deserves that but especially not them. honestly i don't know who i want to go after first Pyeong Hwa's ex-boyfriend (#1 candidate for scum of the earth) or Da Eul's husband (ties for #1 candidate for scum of the earth and who also had the audacity to come out here with his ass and say she'd have bad karma come back on her bc she [rightly] complained about the invasion of privacy his family is perpetuating), but tell me when we decide on one bc i have the ammunition for it. wouldn't be surprised if that mf*cker is cheating on her too bc we did get a partial allusion to that in the earlier half of the series, albeit it could just be him choosing his work associates over his own family and not necessarily having a woman on the side. either way this sh*t needs to stop and i 100% support Da Eul taking Cho Rong and leaving. f*ck divorce stereotypes all my homies hate divorce stereotypes just make sure his ass pays that child support

and now for a bit of Hwa Ran character study to round this off (yay for me i actually followed the outline you set out in your ask asfdgjnlcisdwbkkq). as we continue to observe her and the way she interacts with her father, her half-brother, her husband (who is desperately trying to become her ex) and her son, i feel like the screenwriters are pushing the narrative that even if she is a horrible person she, too, is a victim of the system. and i get why they would do that, bc they do have a point. i touched on it briefly in the tags of this reblog, but i think there's a part of her that is doing these things in regards to the company bc she thinks she knows best. she believes that this is the way to not become irrelevant, not to stoop to the level of her father and her brother in becoming so sentimental at times they lose sight of the real goal (in her view, both times it has been bc of a woman). she puts herself out there so she can have power, since such a inbred, patriarchal society does not listen to you otherwise, and in return she is sacrificing her relationships. and even then, she still thinks that there is no other way to do this and survive. she has convinced herself of this, of so many things, that it has become a part of her, so the minute it looks like she is about to lose her control she looks for the closest thing within her grasp to regain. here, with the inheritance fight, it is the King Group and her leash on Won, and Sang Sik, bright eyed and ambitious as he is, looks like an extension of that leash to her. (after all, didn't he say he's the only one who can handle Won?) considering that Sang Sik has been by Won's side since they met, however, i don't believe he'll switch sides, but more that he'll weigh his options and play double agent in the process since they have spent basically the entire series showing us where his loyalties actually lie (and which she underestimates). tl;dr, Hwa Ran's personal arc is somewhere between Who Are You, Really? by Mikky Ekko, Spite by Vandaveer and Blood // Water by The Neighbourhood, and if they take her the way i think they're taking her (read: she spirals) then she's pretty much f*cked as a result

i am biting my nails rn with regards to the upcoming eps bc hey!!!! this threat of my OTP falling apart for fifteen seconds isn't the plot i asked for!!!!!! i don't need this kind of anxiety i decided against watching Revenant live bc of that!!!!!! just praying we get through with minimal damage that's all i can say

[scyphosunny]

i'm sorry ur friends couldn't tell how important the plate and surrounding situation was 4 u, that really sucks. and that the ppl laughed when u cried @ ur birthday. just kno that i, and prob lots of other ppl, def get that.. it's not a silly reaction or smthng at all, hope u never feel like that. just wanted to tell u this.. nothing worse than being made to feel even more alien and irrational when ur already depressed. especially when it is bc u care abt smthng, bc it's so hard to do that when ur depressed... also thank u for sharing ur art, vargas means a lot to me and ur art perfectly encapsulates everything that is important abt it plus it looks so beautiful, ur my fav vargas fan art creator by a long shot. happy (belated?) birthday.

thank you so much . it really meant a lot to me , even if it was just a plate . my sister actually apologized about laughing ! i told her it was okay . again , i think it's better if they thought that i was just emotional because i liked the plate , so i guess it's okay .

depression is still hitting and i haven't been able to get myself to draw more stuff . i'm like , in that stage of depression where you don't even think about the stuff that's supposed to make you happy . but i'm trying to get better , i sswear !!!!!!!

thank you so much for the words , again . i'm really glad that there's at least a small amount of people that like my vagas stuff haha , since that's everything i draw . i promise that at some point i'll come back and make nice pieces again . X3

[omanu]

useless words by me

happy new year to those who celebrate. i have some kind of cyst right on top of my butt crack and its been painful. cant sleep or sit well and ive been taking antibiotics since the 30th and on the 31st to today it popped on it's own, during new years lmfao. i was supposed to have gone to a friend of a friend's house to celebrate this shit of new year, i didn't really want to go in the first place, i hate commemorating things, but there was going to be a kareoke machine so i was convinced. didnt actually end up going cuz the cyst had gotten worse, i was glad i didnt go pw otherwise id have dirty underwear until the morning (today) and it's just gross as fuck. i wasnt on the mood bc its sucks to be on antibiotics. so instead of going w my friends i stayed with my mom and cousins at my cousin's. it was fine and chill i ate a fucking lot. i prepared a chocolate mousse and it kinda flopped but it was good. imxlxkk im just kind of in my feelings cuz at some point my 15yo cousin started talking shit abt elvis probably bc to get a reaction out of me, and it did, but i was being sarcastic most of the time and just kinda dealing w it in a joking manner but she felt so righteous so i started pointing out the hypocrisy in her taste cnjccj idk why i care, i just like him so much, so it sucks, simply as that. and it's all a bunch of lies like xjdjdk i cant even say much, everything about him that ppl complain is only based on some takes that are not true at all. i understand not liking him for priscilla but like,, the woman herself loves him still, and the anachronism is unreasonable. other than that, putting the industry's blame on him just doesnt work, he was literally just a guy. he could have been a better person in terms of social justice but this applies to all fucking celebrities TO THIS DAY so like,, whats the point of getting mad at him specifically??? weird. ik it doesnt matter if you dont care about him but i like him a lot so im gonna feel bad for all of this misdirected criticism.

so, my night ended on an uncomfortable note bc of this shit + i was feeling sorry for my cyst situation and how i spent the last three months sick and im still gonna be sick for a while – different sicknesses since october and i still dont know if im well enough – and im worried about the next few months cuz im unemployed rn and i need money to see my j-hope and taemin as well and i lent money to my sister while she didnt deserve it and i need to keep filling my schedule w classes and courses to get my degree by the end of this year and i didnt want to go through it while working but i guess that's what i'll have to do to see my king hoseok. and with all the low self-esteem that the end year parties bring as usual, im feeling terrible about my own self so yeah it checks out, the usual new year sentiment. amazing.

anyways, for all of this,, with all of this, it made me realize that i wish i had someone to talk about elvis and my feelings about some stuff cuz it only matters to me and to someone whose validation on me would make me feel comfortable since they know me and have the same standards as me. im feeling sorry for myself for losing the only person that had my heart and brain and ears, it really sucks, you guys. i have been lonely ever since and it only hurts me. nobody knows me. it's my fault but not only mine. wish i had someone. that's all i wish.

and i think 2025 is gonna be worse but im gonna try a bunch of things to make me overcome my state i need to get out of here and live the lonely bearable life i envisioned for myself until i kill myself when i hit like 40-50. sounds about ok.

[nervousdreamtragedy]

Hiii im back to post stupid things

So i was awake at maniatic hours like usual after drinking to many energy drinks and I was thinking about my mom she raised me along with my sister most of my childhood yet I find it quite funny that for her she always says my childhood was her most horrible time since I was a heavy crier according to her yet that’s the thing nobody else says that in fact most people refer to me as a mature child even as a baby and infant

Like I asked my sister and my dad even my aunt who took care of me a lot and they all agreed that just like how I act now when I was young I was silent and rarely even screamed no matter what was happening so I asked my mom who claimed that while yes I was a silent kid when I did cry it was insufferable since I wouldn’t shut up and she even joked about having more than once screaming at me bcs of the cries

I am not an emotional person hell it takes quite a lot to make me even give a reaction and I was always told it was just me being weird yet when I asked my parents they claimed that for them it was good as my sister was difficult thanks to being quite emotional according to them atleast

My sister no longer lives with us just to be clear she moved out as soon as she could so my only way of communicating with her is message and sometimes calls sp I asked her if she remembered how they acted and she told me that as far as she remembers they often mentioned that she was so annoying as an infant and toddler and how I was much nicer to take care of

I started laughing because well I have been told im very well behaved by adults teachers who claimed I was the a great student since I enjoyed trapping myself in studying for weeks and I disliked going out and sure I know its a compliment to my behavior and maturity yet I don’t like that while being well behaved and calm did win me a lot of adult respect I feel sad looking back to my little self who was pretty much raised by the internet because they will never hace the fun they wanted let me be clear sure I didn’t like cartoons and don’t even to this day but that should have been my own choice to make as a kid not a rule that I had to folloe

A kid or a toddler doesn’t need to be mature a kid needs to have fun and be free sure they still need rules but not adult ones yes kids screaming and running around are annoying but im pretty sure its not that horrible to deal with them for sometime and look I get that in moments like restaurant dinner its annoying to have a kid screaming or crying their lungs out behind you and if you are paying a lot of money its even worse and yeah you have a right to be angry but you need to remember that you also were once a child and probably did the same or perhaps even worse

Look I get child free spaces like restaurants and events they are necessary sometimes but things like grocery shopping don’t need to be child free like I get spaces where you are paying to be but grocery is a public space and a mostly free one at that im pretty sure you as an adult can suck it up dealing with a loud kid for the hour or two you spend shopping

No kids don’t need to be mature they don’t need to be aware of social adult etiquette because they aren’t adult they are kids who want to have fun who are developing their skills and abilities they shouldn’t worry about what they wear outside and only wonder what clothes are more comfortable to them and what hames they can play with their friends

I was not allowed to play outside and as such the internet raised me I grew watching gore and weird stuff which while sure I look at it back with rose tinted glasses of nostalgia that doesn’t take away from the fact that I never got the same space to be a kid outside and to this day I don’t understand most of my friends child references and get confused over basic kid moments that I never got because I was told it was too childish for me

Please let kids be kids let them discover what they like and dislike if they enjoy being more mature then sure aid them but still support when they act childish like kids have everyday less spaces to act like kids and social media has not helped at all wth that try to have moments with your kids if they like to stay inside maybe play a board game or play their video-games with them let them be kids and be just as free as kid should be before going into the sad real world