#and it makes me kinda sad ig
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snZzzz
#chat#haha wow what a day I went to video game store and then I didn’t get my stupid thing and then#I’m gonna go on a walk tomorrow morning and it’s gonna be so cold#and I’m gonna maybe ask for gloves for holidays but it’s hard to think of#okay that’s enough filler tags#man sometimes i feel like an idiot especially when compared to other people#not only in the like common sense way but intellectually as well#sometimes I think about how I don’t really have a well of knowledge so to speak#I don’t have a study that I know about or an interest beyond a media I got bored of eventually and forget about#other people I always meet have actual intellectual ability and skills and I’m lacking in that#and idk it’s difficult when you grow up depressed cause you never think you’ll make it past 18. which is what I always thought#and now I’m 18 and have no actual intelligence or skills or anything#it’s envy in terms of wish I had the drive and ability to focus. i wish I was able to just sit down and get into actual good skills#it’s like how you have people you know you can go to cause they know stuff and I will never be that person but it’s not just that it’s so#I just don’t know anything of actual important and even in comparison nothin at all#and it makes me kinda sad ig
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bored
#milgram#milgram fanart#mikoto kayano#shidou kirisaki#kazui mukuhara#yuno kashiki#why did they give mikoto a skateboard tho#kazui look slike kafka from kaiju no 8#in a way. i think#maybe that's why i don't actually mind his fit as much#i'm glad they didn't make kazui super skinny#i like it when he actually got some meat on his bones#i wish it was a little more tho#i always cry when i remember kazui is skinnier than i thought he was... his t1 sprite is so deceiving#i love yuno's and amane's a lot#shidou makes me sad tho there's nothing interesting about it sigh#ig the jacket is kinda cool cuz it's a coat instead of a cape or whatever and the collar is nice#but c'mon they even reused his first aid kit#at the very least i'm glad we got some milgram content tho#anything to quench my thirst#poking straws in their heads and sipping on them like caprisuns#nyways shidou using kazui's weird screen thing to watch cat vids because he is a lsoer and they're both losers#i'm so tired GYOD#uhmrgmrmmrm yeah idk what else to say lol#have a wonderful day or night if you're reading this#chibi's art/rkgk
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did I hear a DOUBLE DATE ???????
😭😭 art block has been kinda sucky not really lately so in attempts to fix it after LOOOOTS of talking and rambling w my good friend @nohrianhime I decided HEY. WHY NOT DRAW THE DOUBLE DATE WE’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT??? <3 and look at how much fun they’re having fr
#yuuddle my everything ever#they’re so CUTE guys you DONT UNDERSTAND#oh to give you the love and affection you’ve deserved for so long……..#also if you’re askin whats happening w ace?..#he pissed riddle off and both yuu (riddle’s bf in the right) and ashi didn’t care to help#so he got collared 😔😔😔 during the date 😔😔😔😔😔 how embarrassing </3#and to make it worse ashi’s eating all the cherry tart!!!! boohoo!!!!!#ACE TRAPPOLA WHO?#(she’s not feeding him any to tease him)#ace trappola x oc#riddle rosehearts x oc#twst yume#ashace#yuuddle#tag for me IG? dunno if any more yuuddle is gonna be seen by the public#ace trappola#ashi tamadai#twstshi#twst yuu#riddle rosehearts#twst#twisted wonderland#twst oc#twisted wonderland oc#twisted wonderland yuu#ashipiko draws ♪#time to go back to doing a3! chibis for my friends as a break. kinda 🙏🙏🙏 art block makes me sad!!!!!!
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[Day 80]
Lil animation wip today (MAYBE ill color it) inspired by this hollow knight au :DDD
no i have no clue what the lore is yet cant wait to get destroyed once i actually watch/play the game more👍
#dddaily4sherin#grian#goodtimeswithscar#hermitcraft#kinda#hermitblr#isdoodles#isanimates#ig new tag LMAOAODJA#thinking to.... make the bg s8 moon big themed.... and make a whole tiny series out of this with boatem explodes#spine told me the story behind quirrel is sad as hell im TERRIFIED (no spoilers pls ofc :D)#my plan is to finish full coloring this and THEN watch/play the game and look back on this and get emotionally destroyed#they are so SILLY AND TINYNJYNY#just chilling on a (not drawn yet) bench#nothing will ever happen amirite KJAJOWIWDKWOKD#im so SCARED#Also excuse the shit quality I think the cropping website absolutely destroyed it HELP
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okay so a large part of my issue with halsin is that his character feels inconsistent, right. like larian wanted him to be a wise older man mentor character but then they wanted him to be fuckable, and they wanted him to be a nontraditional/nonmonogamous romance, so they made him sexually experienced and confident and casual, but he's also a romance option, so he talks about having Feelings for the player character. and then he needed to be a quest-giver, so he needed to ask for help. and what we ended up with is "guy who up and abandoned his responsibilities at the first chance of adventure, got captured and needed rescuing, makes all sorts of comments about his sexual experience but loses all self control and wildshapes at the first glimpse of ass, tells you he has feelings for you to get you in bed then leaves at the end of the game, and makes inappropriately sexual comments abt the sexual abuse victim if you're romancing him" - all of which reads as an uncomfortable, unlikeable mess of a guy.
halsin suffers from a lack of focus - he's neither a full romance on the level of the origin companions, nor is he a fling or sub-romance; he got more care and attention than wyll, in some ways, but the writing is flaky and weak and makes him look, frankly, like an incompetent, immature manchild. the bear scene is grossly pubescent (it should've been player choice to initiate that, not have it dropped on you that if he gets too horny there's a risk he'll CAST A SPELL and turn into a literal animal. by mistake. and if that's his reaction to seeing tits what's gonna happen when he cums) and the way he pushes for astarion to join you if you tell him you're in a relationship feels wildly inappropriate.
I know halsin has a history of sexual abuse himself (and I've seen good analyses/critiques of the way that's handled) but again I find it weird that finding out about that is locked behind not just a sex scene but a threesome+ scene - the writers really wanted to drive home that This Guy Fucks to the point where he comes across as pushy, and his trauma is reduced to background noise in a scene where he is essentially a sex object. he is simultaneously objectified by the writers, and in-universe by himself and those around him, but instead of exploring that we're just supposed to go with it; likewise, his lack of commitment and emotional immaturity aren't problems in and of themselves, but it feels like the writers aren't aware that that's the character they've written, and so these things are never appropriately addressed, and his arc and romance don't match up with the other characters' stories about growth and development.
not rly sure where I'm going with this, but it bothers me!! I think it's a nasty mix of the writers' intentions at a cross purpose with the push for fanservice, and the whole thing leaves a sour taste in my mouth t b h.
#ig I wish they'd diverted more of those resources to wyll and left halsin as a simple fling option or smth#I have many meaner things I could say about him but this post isn't about that#it kinda makes me sad. scarred up beefy older elf man should've been my guy but instead I kind of can't stand him:/#this post was much longer with fix its but I cut them out bc I got bored lol#bg3#and like. I wish they'd treated him Better he makes me uncomfortable and I find it difficult to empathise with him but. yeah he should've#got more development and better treatment
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I drew him being miserable (bcuz he’s a wet cat of a man) but felt bad. Gave him lollipop.
#tw blood#cw blood#it’s not blood it’s givanium but just in case#garten of banban#Garten of banban fanart#gobb#gobb fanart#he was born in a wet cardboard box all alone#and I adore him for that#he’s just Such a guy#am I the only one who’s actually kinda really sad about him#I’m listening to my sad playlist and thinking ‘omg this is Literally him’#he’s so ‘I bet on losing dogs’ by Mitski to me#do u think banban would like mitski. I think he would#idc if this is cringe#he’s SO sad. I have to make him worse#how to convey that I have to make him feel the Worst. even tho he’s my fav#love this creature. the bong bong#<- was gonna type something like that last tag but ig I’ve already made that joke.?#sorry for so many tags I just Love the tagging function#I can convey so many emotions in just one post with both Text and TAGS it’s the BEST#it’s late an I’m tired. need to sleep before I write more tags abt how I want banban to be sad
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For all the crap Suki gives Alice about not being outgoing enough or whatever, I think Alice has more friends than Suki???
Like obviously she's got Noah, those nerdy peas in a pod. And Alice is pretty clearly Rafael's comfort person, so they talk about each other even when they don't hang out.
But I'm pretty sure I've only ever seen Suki interact with Valentina and Antonio?? And I can't recall her talking about anyone else, really.
Edit: after reading the people in the notes reminding me of the Facts, I have a new conclusion:
Alice has 2 really close good friends, Suki talks to A Lot of people, unclear what the friendship statuses are
#coral island#I do have memory issues and would love to be proven wrong#in my head Suki and Pablo get along Great#Alice#Suki#honestly I wish the twins had more Cheerful and friendly interactions#just about all dialogue they have about the other twin is how Annoyed they are and like it makes Sense but also makes me sad#Also they kinda like. Already did the Opposing Siblings thing with Pablo and Rafael#Ig I just want some super loving siblings now XD
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there was a bbbat rhyme anima talk event today~ it was as chill of a time as it could be with kimura in the room lol but we got to hear some fun stuff from them!!!!
when asked what were their favourite scenes from the anime, kimura answered the place bbbat’s fight scene episode stood out to him bc it looked like a dungeon
ishiya-san really liked how this time around, they got to rap by groups in addition to teams!!!! it was really neat to sing with his fellow 2gumi lol
amasaki-san loves that one scene from bbbat’s episode where 2️⃣3️⃣🌙⚖️ were attacked by enemies while trying to hit the time switch. that whole it’s a shark!!!! no it’s actually humans!!!! scene is really funny lol
hayama-san really loved seeing everyone’s ending song animations!!!! like you could tell they were made with love and care for each division and their fans
sakakihara-san loved just seeing jyushi’s bandmates make an appearance and seeing them interact within the plot!!!
takeuchi-san really liked the visuals in sanity!!!!! especially that kaleidoscope visual they gave bat!!!!
they also asked for general impression in the anime and starting with bat:
hayama-san was really impressed with the artstyle lol. it’s the first time they got to see bat move and on top of that, the style pays a lot of respect to kazui-sensei’s art!!!!!
sakakihara-san liked how they managed to show jyushi’s growth as a person, have his still push him forward as he takes a step forward to help someone else
takeuchi-san got to see hitoya’s office for himself in the anime and was really impressed with how big his office is actually lmao
on bb side, kimura prefaced with how ordinary bb’s character setting is compared to like, mtc’s yakuza, policeman, soldier set up since they’re just a trio of bros. but that in itself is their power and it’s nice to see in the anime too
ishiya-san liked how they portrayed bonds in the anime and the strength those bonds brought!!! he gave an example of jiro feeling a little pressured but ready to step up to the challenge after hearing saburo’s contributions in the 3gumi episode
amasaki-san really liked how the anime showed a sense of each division protecting their hoods!!! kinda got hoodstar vibes lol
next they had to come up with a word or phrase that encompasses bbbat’s dynamic/vibes. for whatever reason kimura was really having a hard time understanding this as a concept (and it lowkey killed ishiya-san and amasaki-san’s braincells lol) but since bat were on it and ready they went up
hayama-san wrote ‘love’, sakakihara-san wrote ‘shounen manga’ and takeuchi-san wrote ‘one big family’
hayama-san said bbbat share similar expressions of love, bat shows their familial like love, bb has their love as siblings and ichiro and kuukou have carried on their love as partners from their naughty busters days (at which hayama-san and sakakihara-san started giggling like the fudanshi they are LMAO)
their energy and action kinda gives shounen manga to sakakihara-san!!!!
it was at this time bb finished their answers and revealed they all so happened like woah crazy coincidence bruh wrote the same stupid pun that doubled as them saying ‘they’ve got some kick ass ball busting energy!!!’ and them flexing their bonds lol
bc of this takeuchi-san didn’t get to explain lol and after kimura poked fun at him for it, hayama-san managed to tie all their response together since they were still similar in vibe. amasaki-san said hayama-san was being too nice to them LOL 😭😭😭
the last segment was them playing a quiz game where they had to watch a scene from the anime and answer a weirdly specific question about it lol. bat won 30-29 (LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) and it was very entertaining lol but there were two moments that made me really laugh lmao
at the start of it, ishiya-san and amasaki-san all of a sudden stood up and started jeering and shit talking like actual six year olds lol. not a single bat seiyuu had the thought to rise to the provocation LOL but takeuchi-san protectively blocked them with his arm and told them they didn’t to need to stoop to their level lmao
for the first question, they needed to answer what was ichiro’s phone battery at in the scene. kimura loudly stated this was his hour (he knew the answer lol) and as takeuchi-san stepped up to rep bat’s answer, hayama-san coyly leaned over to look directly at kimura to ask, ‘was it in the 70s? 🙂or the 60s? 🙂maybe 50s? 🙂’ and the way kimura just froze LOL
kimura: that was really scary!!! like yikes!!!! yikes!!!! i thought i was being puppeted for a second!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭
#this is vee speaking#i’m a little brain dead this morning lol i’m typing this but i’m not sure if it’s making sense lol#so gomen if it’s a little stilted my usual flair lol is currently mia 😭😭😭#this bbbat event originally was supposed to only have ishiya-san amasaki-san and the bat seiyuu and lmao#me seeing the lineup: hm!!! well no kimura is kinda sad ig but that just means everyone will actually get to speak and really nerd out lol#hypani twt: actually kimura subaru can make it!!!!!!!!#me:…………………………………………………………………………………………………..okay 😌#like it’s entertaining to watch ishiya-san and amasaki-san be kimura’s dual tsukkomi and backup boke#but i like listening to ishiya-san nerd over hypmic lol he was actually going to have a different answer for that bbbat vibes segment#but bb had a joke to make instead lol but it’s fine!!!!!! i like shenanigans too!!!!!! yeah!!!!!!!#ALSO I WISH THE BAT SEIYUU TOOK PICS OF THEMSELVES MORE OFTEN THEIR CLOTHING COORDINATION WAS SO UNDERSTATED BUT FIRE#THEY ALL HAD A PURPLE TOP AND A SEETHRU/OPAQUE ACCENT#HAYAMA-SAN BUST OUT A FISHNET TOP TAKEUCHI-SAN HAD A KNIT FIT KINDA TOP AND SAKAKIHARA-SAN HAD A WHITE OPAQUE TOP#AND THEN HAYAMA-SAN HAD ON WHITE PANTS SAKAKIHARA-SAN HAD ON BLACK AND TAKEUCHI-SAN HAD A COMBINATION OF THE TWO#IT WAS REAL EASY ON THE EYES IDK WHY THEY NEEDED TO SERVE FOR THIS TALK EVENT BUT THEY DID AND I APPRECIATE THEM LOL
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MIKE BLOCKED ME ON TWITTER FOR ROASTING HIS DUMBASS RESPONSE TO THE GRAPHIC NOVEL STUFF!!
grown ass man scared of the 19-year-old queer being mean to him over his public meltdown more at 8.
#ramblez#little white boy sad? U sad bc nobody likes you? Bc u constantly make a fool of urself and show off ur distaste for ur fans? lmao#this is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me imagine how mad he'll be when he finds out the fangame Im making has queers in it#hes gonna have a whole other white boy meltdown on main KJSNFDGKJHFGKJHGKJHSDFGSD#hes so fucking sensitive maybe just get off of social media Mike this never ends well for you#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#and look Im joking around about this but it really is sad that the bendy devs cant handle this kind of critique towards their decisions#it seems despite the backlash once again they are choosing to ignore their fans which is yknow upsetting#But hey ig if the devs being awful was a dealbreaker for this fandom I wouldve left a long time ago and I havent#dw Im not going anywhere <3#also if anyone else here was also criticizing Mike maybe check his acct to make sure ur not blocked now since apparently#old habits die hard and this is certainly a pattern with him KJHDSFKGJHSDKFGJHDFGSD#also look before anyone asks yes I was kinda mean to him over this but to put bluntly if hes gonna be this dismissive to his fans concerns#he deserves it. Theres this persistent attitude esp in bendy fanspaces of being defensive of the devs#and I dont know why they have been extremely horrible people every single chance they get#and its very hurtful to see how many people would rather tell me to be kinder to the people who broke the heart of a child me when they#dismissed any ideas of putting queers like me in their stories than to realize Mike n Meatly bring this bad attention to themselves#to put bluntly I dont owe them kindness not until they at least apologize for the shit they did which they still havent#mike hasnt even addressed his vent poem in the code of BATDR let alone the other shit he said n did#so no I will not be kind to him ever hope this helps!
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congrats to jannik, a little sad for frances, but i can be happy with this outcome
#now saying my full thoughts and feelings in the tags because i don’t want to be crucified#while i am very happy for jannik i’m sad for frances bc he played so well and i rly don’t want him to go into a slump for the uso#if that happened i would be super upset#another thing is that while i definitely like jannik i just like it so much better when there are more unexpected outcomes or if someone#who isn’t the top player wins#and ig this is more on a broader level than just cincinnati but i feel like jannik hasn’t been compelling me so much recently#so i’ve become more likely to root against him sometimes when it’s a player i like more#to me he’s kinda like “makes perfect sense. doesn’t compel me tho”#also like the fact that he’s so so so popular (at least over here) can kinda make me a like him just a bit less#idk#so i’m not upset abt this result but i’m not overjoyed#there are my full feelings now
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i finished reading the book and, no offence, i truly do not understand what people hated to much about zendaya's chani compared to book chani. i'm sorry but the entire time she was giving go girl give us nothing. it was like...paul had some visions > they met and get to know each other for like three 3 seconds > she kisses his cheek > [time skip] > they now have a son but we do not get any info beyond a name > she miracously knows whats wrong with him and revives him from the water of life > their son is killed andthe only thing she thinks of is how this might negatively impact paul > she's super understanding and fine with the fact that paul is gonna marry another woman
#dune#idk theres just no substance to her#nothing that makes me like her as a person bc imo shes just there as a prop almost#like what does she even want except be some sort of pet wife to paul#and from his pov it makes more sense ig bc of his visions and whatever it is he knows#but from hers? hes just some random coloniser dude that seems kinda psychotic but is nice enough and wants to help them defeat their enemie#and homegirl is like yo i have nothing at all to do in my life so why not bag that man#genuinely i thought zendayas chani was so cool and i was really curious to learn more about her. but there was nothing to learn lol#even that the planetologist was her dad was not really relevant. she was sad for one sentence and then it was never mentioned again
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did you ever make a post about pete not liking tankhun ? i know you mentioned it a few times in your tags but i don't remember seeing a post. (i share your opin ions.)
I definitely toyed with the idea of meta or a gifset but I didn't ever make a full post! I love unrequited love and I ESPECIALLY love the extremely rare platonic version which Tankhun and Pete absolutely nail in my opinion!
There are loads of moments where Pete's smile drops around Tankhun very quickly, or he insults Tankhun behind his back. Instead of laughing things off like Arm and Pol, he almost has a wincing fear-response to Tankhun, which we don't really see at all from the other bodyguards.
I think that Tankhun likes to think of himself as being close friends with his bodyguards, and he does genuinely show a lot of open affection for Pete and eventually concern for his safety. But I think ultimately for Pete, Tankhun is just a part of Pete's job, and over time resentment has built up until he thinks of Tankhun as one of the *worst* parts of it. I definitely don't think he resents Tankhun enough to hurt or endanger him, but that's about as far as it goes, there's certainly very little love there.
Something about that dynamic is just particularly brilliant, especially when combined with Pete's eventual defection from Tankhun's side to Vegas'. He chooses a man who has beaten and tortured him over a man who showers him in affection and throws parties on his return.
I utterly adore Tankhun but I think as a character that's grown up in a gilded cage, he doesn't really understand that what Pete needs is a sense of his own autonomy rather than being dragged to "fun" "lets cheer up Pete" parties that Tankhun has demanded on his behalf. At least with Vegas he *chose* to go back, he handed Vegas the ropes, let him lock him back up again. Even before he develops feelings for Vegas, Pete has clearly felt like a subhuman pet for Tankhun and the main family for a long, long time and I think ironically Vegas acknowledging Pete's humanity is the tipping point for him.
I think even without their nascent romantic love as a factor, Pete would always choose Vegas. Because despite the threat of suffering, he offers a sense of freedom that Tankhun's gilded cage does not. It all makes for an incredibly interesting betrayal, and makes Pete choosing Vegas over Tankhun all the more pointed. By choosing to be Vegas' pet, he chooses to be human.
#I have had this gifset concept rattling round my brain since before I even learned to make gifs#if I didn't have so many complicated feelings about Pete after the whole Build situation I'd make it in a heartbeat tbh#my worry is that it would either be taken as a ''hating on Pete'' set and I'd get mad shit for it in my inbox#(despite it being one of my fave facets of his character)#or it would be interpreted as a ''Build's acting appreciation!'' post which tbf it kinda would be.#theres no getting away from the fact that he shaped Pete into a very interesting and nuanced character#but you wouldn't catch me dead making a ''Captain Jack Sparrow appreciation'' set even if I loved POTC as much as KPTS yknow?#like theres only so much distance I can split the character from the actor. which sucks bc Pete as a character was one of my favourites#idk. probably not the ideal answer lol#my first instict was to just make the set since it was all planned out from like december#but since January my love for Pete as a character has mostly been in a little box on a high shelf that I do not ever touch. which is sad#but it is what it is ig#anyway lol 👀#tankhun theerapanyakul#pete kp#tankhun kp#kp meta#ask#anon#watch me deliberately not putting that shit in the pete tag out of fear#anyway back on the high shelf you go little pete feelings. lets go back to simply not acknowledging u once more lol 🥲✨#goddamn I deliberately hadnt thought about him in months but now I kinda miss Pete... :( I love this ask though thank u for sending it! 🦔✨#damn rereading this its like girl. do you have an unrequited love for commas?? fucking use them?? :) anywaY#kpts
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y’all,,, no shade to swifties (I guess) but seriously??? I kind of want to shake them by the shoulders and be like ‘YOU HAVE NO IDEA MY MANS POTENTIAL, HE WAS SO FUCKING NERFED IN THIS SONG, PLEASE LISTEN TO SOEMGNING ELSE.” it’s a fine song but that’s all it is. fine. idk.
#top song. electric touch is top song. head in hands.#fob#fall out boy#I am 100% NOT tagging ts swifties will have my fucking hide for breakfast#Toby speaks#I guess im just kinda disappointed#centuries being no.1? overplayed but fine ig. it’s a banger. its fob and it sounds fob.#but having their most popular song being a fucking FEATURE where Patrick’s voice is DROWNING and Taylor is taking over most of it???#that just makes me very very sad#whatever. whatever. it’s fine
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(tw: mention of animal death)
a few years ago, a pregnant cat kept coming to my place, sleeping here every night. she gave birth while I was on holidays and when I saw her again she was so happy to be let in. I thought she was going to come back with her kittens but I never saw her again. one day a girl knocked at my door crying asking if I saw her cat and I was like yeah that was lowkey my cat too. she told me later that the cat got run over in a parking lot and I was devastated. now it's taking everything I have to not kidnap the cat that's been coming over that I was told to not worry about because he's "always outside"
#the difference was that the first cat had a collar but no tag so I couldn't guess if she was cared for or if she was abandoned#but the new cat has a tag so I won't keep him ofc ofc it's different#my line is I won't feed him. always let him in when he asks to but won't give him food so he has to come back to his home#just makes me kinda sad bc I wonder if we fed him and gave him a litterbox he would just stay inside and live here.#ig we'll never know but I can't help but wonder#again I won't steal him I promise 😭😭#tw animal death#animal death
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guys what if i.....stopped trying
#its so weird i have like a 61% in geometry aka a failing grade. and i just fucked up a test we did. and i genuinely dont care#or do i care and im just trying not to#i mean its my fault i failed i didnt stify#i have literally never had to before so idfk its hard to adjust maybe??#same with that chem quiz i totally fucked it up#i just. idk. whatever#all i wanna do is stay in my room and eat as much as i can and idkkkk#i probably do care cuz we have a test next week for chem and i might study for it#mm. but maybe not#hh ig i will cuz ik i should i just dont care idk. kinda tired all the time nowadays lol#im pretty sure i dont have depression btw i think this kinda sounds like it?? like the only thing im losing is my ability to care abt#things that would make me nervous or upset. i still get very overly excited over like a.ce a.ttorney or smth#idk but. yeah ive been pretty tired. maybe im just burnt out i think im being dramatic lol all my problems are very self inflicted#yeah. sorry its sad girl hrs ill delete this later#vent#misty muses
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📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2
#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore#we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life#i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible#if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green#and later this year i think i might change my name#it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random#i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel#really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am#to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate#but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it#but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so#when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy#i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that#also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk.....#rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els#sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w#not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else#but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway#that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but#all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever#i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right?#i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not#im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help#it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning#nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my#feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions#i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary
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