#and it made me feel like such a fucking failure like i havent even made a decision on my future and im already a failure

[spaciebabie]

HI HI HI I JUST SAW THE FNAF MOVIE FEEL FREE TO USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO SHARE YOUR THOTS ABT EVERYTHING

alr well im gonna talk abt a lot of things under the cut :> (extra precaution for people who havent seen it!) im gonna be talking abt some major spoilers so like if you dont wanna know what happens dont look!!!!!!!!

the thing that stood out ta me the most abt this movie is the cinematography i mean- some of those shots were really well fucking done. and the tension at certain parts??? i mean!!! i wasnt really scared during the movie but there were some parts where the build up ta the scare made me feel a lil somethin somethin yk. a little tingle in my booty.

ALSO LIKE?? THE AUNT DIED AND NOBODY FUKCING TALKED ABOUT IT SKDFJSKFHSKJFSJDF???? DID MIKE JUST FUCKING MOVE HER BODY OUT OF HIS HOME??? WHERE THE FUCK DID SHE GO???? THEY REALLY JUST LIKE DID NOT GIVE A SHIT ABT HER AWAHWHAGGWGAGWAHHWGHAHAHA

also. the springlocks. we finally got like some explanation asta how they would work and honestly i really really like how they function. like it makes sense!! the metal ribcage??? fuck thats so peak i might hafta add that ta my springer design i love it

speaking of springtrap. hello hi i love. william afton. i have always been a springtrap lover and a william afton enjoyer but this movie man. mathew lillard is hot as hell and he did an awesome job in this role. i mean hes everything i would want william afton ta be. silly, dangerous, unhinged, sure of himself, ive already made a post talking abt how much i liked the springlock failure scene (well more like screaming abt it) but like. hes. hes not scared of dying hes not scared of death (at least he doesnt show it) b/c he knows hes gonna be reborn and- fuck its just so good. i love everything abt the final scenes. GOSH AND HIS VOICE!!!!!!!! THE DISTORTION ON HIS VOICE DID YOU HEAR HOW GLEEFUL AND CHEERY HE WAS??? HOW DRAMATIC HIS STUPID ASS WAS??? SHITTTTTTT

im also really glad vanessa had some development here! and i wasnt expecting her ta be william aftons daughter??!?!?!?! WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLYAY MOLAY ACTUAL PLOT TWIST I DIDNT SEE COMING. ive already mentioned this 2 people on discord but like. i hope we see more development of her and her fathers relationship before what we see in fnaf 1. i NEED 2 know what she saw i NEED 2 know why she is so haunted. what happened ta her family???? and like!! what the hell is happening 2 her as shes in that hospital brah i bet you she's having terrible nightmares and i needta see ALL OF THEM-

ALSO LIKE?? JUST REFERENCES TA THE FNAF FANDOM IN GENERAL?? THWE LIVING TOMBSTONE??? MATPAT?? CORYXKENSHIN????? SPARKY????

LET ME ALSO CONTINUE TALKING ABT THE FACE SHREDDER THING CUZ LIKE I WANNA KNOW WHY THAT WAS EVEN IN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACEOMG A THOUGHT JUST HIT ME-

FACE SHREDDER SO YOU CANT IDENTIFY THE BODY???? HELLO???? anyways seeing the animatronics go crazy and kill people was very cool. i loved the animatronics soooo much they were so silly and LIVELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO FULL OF LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GODDD I LOVE LOVE LOVE THEMMM I LOVE THAT THEY PUT IN THE EFFORT TA ACTUALLY MAKE THE ANIMATRONICS IT MADE IT SO MUCH BETTER

rambling over. i needta go study skfskjfksjdf

[cosmobrain00]

wanna talk about your ocs some moreee? (plsplsplsplsplsplspls)

DO I. vibrating at incredibly high frequencies rn what better place to start than once again w the yarrow siblings bc WOW. THEY DRIVE ME NUTS!! like. for example ive been thinking of bella again more recently n feel incredibly sick ovr it all, ik I briefly mentioned sm stuff abt her before BUT? shes actually this eldest sister of all time guys n let me explain:

where to even begin. she was the first of her parent's eventual "failures", while being graced w gen love n kindness at first from them they quickly grew "tired" of her n she could never understand why. one day they were indulging her whims, pinching her cheeks n letting her come everywhere w them, n the next she was tugging at her mother's skirt hem n her fathers hand asking to be picked up n they only tiredly looked at her this time n told her to "stop being fussy" n that was that. when she heard they were having another kid it felt like she was being "replaced" n her chest hurt so bad and her eyes welled up n she ended up running to her room n slamming the door n crying into her pillow bc she just wanted her parents back n knew that now she'd really never get to have them again. when her baby brother was finally born tho, her mother made her hold him n at first bella only frowned sullenly down at him bc really- this is what they were replacing her with? but something inexplicable softened inside of her against her will when he softly smacked his little fist against her chest n ended up snuggling closer to her, n she ended up walking around the house simply carrying him for a while until he fell asleep so her mom could rest. when they eventually realized there was something wrong w myer- that being his near inability to see pretty much anything- suddenly he wasnt their cute kid anymore he was something that was "too much work" bc of this, n so what do they do? they pawn him off on bella of course, n u can guess how well that goes over. not only have they replaced her but now they've turned her into myers sole caretaker pretty much bc theyre gone so much of the time (AT AGE 8 MIND YOU.) once, bella shut the door in myers face n told him to go away, only to open it hours later n see him sitting right outside fiddling w the carpet in the dark. she felt so guilty tht she started crying n hugged him close n said she was sorry over n over. like she really felt like he “took” her parents love at first, but now? it feels like he's simply in the same boat as her n she has no choice but to step up for him bc if not her then who else. tht doesnt mean she still didnt struggle w him, far from it in fact, but while she has these mixed emotions, she also knows that despite myer not being able to see her much, whenever he hears her voice its enough to bring him running from the opposite end of the house to her n that means something to her. AND I HAVENT EVEN GOTTEN TO KEITH N LORELEI YET THE FUCK OF IT ALLLLL. when bella once AGAIN hears tht her mom is having another kid, TWINS this time she nearly loses it because she simply doesnt understand why both her n myer arent good enough n why theyve been discarded. when keith n lorelei arrive ofc its only a matter of time bf theyre all but pushed onto bella to take care of, n shes so so tired at this point but she simply steels herself n accepts bc she wont allow them to be abandoned. keith is a sullen little brat who's too angry so much of the time but she understands bc shes like that too deep down still. lorelei nearly never sleeps n her n keith cause so much trouble tgt but shes also the one to hug bellas leg n tell her she loves her no matter if they just fought or not. n bella may feel bitter but she'll still read them the books she found at the dump at night n listen to them all n let them pull on her apron n whine when shes trying to make things n like. they annoy her so much she wishes her parents never had them she doesnt know how to live without them now she'd do anything to protect her broken little family she wouldnt know what to do if she lost any of them, n all of these feelings just explode when the draft comes n her parents abandon them all n now its officially her turn to be the head of their fam. do not even get me started on bella being the one to go to the war in place of myer either bc I will not stop SOMEBODY SEDATE MEEEEE

[intertexts]

TRIVIA TIIIIIME. THIS IS ONE OF THE LONGEST ONES YET !!!! IM SO FUCKING HYPE FOR U TO BE HERE THIS IS A BIG MILESTONE

EPISODE 13 TRIVIA:

- FIRST OFFICIAL PIECE OF MARK WINTERS ART !!!!!! HELL YEAAAAAH THIS ONE IS SO FUCKING COOL. this man haunts me

- bizly is talking about how he was fucking SWEATING all week before they recorded this ep bc he thought for sure william and vyncent were gonna just get in there and mirder the lich immediately. grizzly starts to say something like "no i wont-" and bizly cuts him off like "im not worried about YOU. youre my shining star, my golden boy"

- charlie, in response to this: "well. you should feel better because i cant even win against a WALL"

- grizzly: "i was really hoping youd take the bait and depower the villains. i was hoping to give you a cool idea with that"

- "the lich shouldnt even be alive, hes undead, hes breaking the laws of-"

charlie, interrupting "OKAYYY HEY NOW LETS NOT SAY THINGS LIKE THAT" << GETTING. INSULTED ON WILLIAMS BEHALF. AHA

- Dakotas memory about his dad pranking him in the car is an ACTUAL THING THAT GRIZZLYS DAD USED TO DO !?!?!?!!

- "william took 4 degrees of failure from punching a wall so hard your bone popped out" "yeah kind of like how i took 4 degrees of failure from sniffing a bag of doritos. kind of like how i took 4 degrees of failure from dakota comically picking me up and throwing me into a dumpster. all my trips to the spirit world are so pathetic"

- bizly: "okay let me say. you were going to go to the spirit world at the end of this regardless, i just saw an opportunity there and took it. originally i was gonna have you see a wisp while you were alive and follow it through a door or something" << AAURGRHRGHRGGH. i loooove talking abt williams powers

- HELLOOOOO THE FUCKING ANIMATIC. GOD. MAKES ME FUCKING CRAZY

- they all want to do a body swap episode. fully freaky friday moment where they cant switch back until they learn something about each other. i also want them to do this i think it would be funny

- bizly: "i love dakota dakota is one of my favorite characters in media."

(bizly: "because i relate to him"

charlie: "well THATS worrying.")

- "dakota doesnt necessarily *ignore* the why when thing happen hes just really... slow. it takes him a long time to reflect on things. it either takes him a really long time to process things and come to a conclusion OR he will just pull sage wisdom out of thin air because hes so simple minded. he'll just think for a really long time before he comes to these ideals that ive written for him as a player. itll come around, it'll just take him a long time to get there. as a player i know what kind of hero i want dakota to end up as at the end of it all" << i cant even add anything to this. grizzlyplays i am shaking you like a sack of rocks

- another mention about how dakota and chip riptide would be best friends i love this recurring bit

- "what did you guys think about seeing wavelength in the prison"

"uhh. hes mean :("

"it was awesome seeing him again, he scares me"

"it made me feel guilty that we havent found ashe yet"

- grizzly: "if he gets out of prison im gonna kill him" << HEAD IN HANDS

- "william wisp experiences incompetence consistently"

- hey remember in the episode how when william rolled to see if he was okay breathing inside the prison cell and bizly said something along the lines of "youre only hyperventilating because you *think* you should be, youre actually fine" << think about this in context with what you know now :) and hold onto it for the beginning of 14

- theyre talking about what happened between william and mark over the 10 month timeskip: william contacted him at some point, not really about anything in particular, just to ask him if he knew anything about ashe that could help thsm find him/updating him on their progress finding ashe. then when they started playing again william stopped contacting him (for meta reasons, charlie just forgot that was an option BUT) bizly took note of that anyway and thats why mark was so hostile right off the bat. he just like. stopped hearing things from william and didnt know what was going on anymore. so when they showed up here and had no update on ashe whatsoever it just made him think they werent actually doing anything to find him

- grizzly: "man you would thing being in prison and losing his son would give this man some perspective and adjust his personality but he just became more of an asshole"

bizly: "no, the problem is youre not thinking about it from his perspective!! youre only thinking about it from dakotas point of view where hes a villain and hes doing bad things so hes bad. hes just a guy who thought he was doing what he had to do to keep his son safe"

charlie: "okay but he like locked his son up forever"

bizly: "yeah i never said he was a good person! and then some teenagers came along and made him rebel and now he wants to be a super hero and the first thing that happens is he gets possessed" << THANK YOUUUU BIZLY. THANK YOU BIZLY. JUSTICE FOR MY HORRIBLE MAN

- they keep referring to overlord as "alligator guy" because they forgot his name. charlie even at one point goes "yeah and he was a crocodile or whatever, dont you know those are power level 9" << this will never stop being funny to me

- "HEY WILLIAM what do you think about dying again"

- charlie is Very concerned about the no blood thing. his theory rn is that the archway he saw was like "crossing over" for ghosts. like fully passing on and not being ghosts anymore. seeing himself/his memories in the prison cells was very poetic, he kind of feels trapped by himself right now. hes the most curious about the 5 empty chairs and what that could possibly mean

- theyre trying to figure out who the group of 5 could possibly be. williams old group didnt have 5 people, prime defenders doesnt have 5 people even with ashe so they have no ideas right now and are excited to find out more :)

- "williams pretty fucked up right now to be honest!!! we just spent an episode and a half arguing about how we're allowed to kill the lich because its undead and not human. and then he learns hes fucking deteriorating. uh oh! now hes probabky thinking 'am i even a person?' i dont even know if he knows what to think about the spirit world right now i think hes just kind of panicked"

- "if only the ghost of party city were here, hed know what to say about this"

- "how is vyncent feeling right now?" "hes still kind of pissed. his one goal of killing the lich after all these years was just ripped away from him. hes accepted it for now but if that lich escapes. man hes gonna go nuts"

SUCH an insanely good episode dude hoooooly shit. head in hands. everybody say thank u bizlychannel!!!!! man. this was SO good man it really does feel like.... not a turning point, necessarily, but very important. honestly, really glad that by now they've had time to really like, sit with their characters & the world & let it all steep for a while? this season already really feels like such a tonal shift & kind of a step up frm season 1 so far!! (NOT that season 1 also wasn't really fucking good. but a lot of what we've got in s2 so far feels a lot more settled and cohesive) im here for it!!! LOVED the animatic that shit was crazy. if thats a precedent they're setting now im gonna go wild.

I ALSO THOUGHT THEY WERE GONNA MURDER THE LICH. i was like ohhhh great this is how we get the vigilante on the run arc its gonna be so bad theyre never gonna see tide again. phew!!!! i mean, i, too, still think the lich should be dead. but. also yeah WHAT DO YOU MEAAAN THATS A REAL THING HIS DAD DID. FUCKING CRAZY.

what else.. having so many thoughts about william's Situation . as always. man. it's so fucked up. i have no clue where any of it's going dude... the only thought i have is that i don't think. we have any real context for the five thrones thing yet. i don't think that's related to anything we already know except. mayyybe mal. i think that's some spirit world-specific bullshit! we'll see though. we'll see.

YEAH <333 DAKOTA IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS IN MEDIA TOO <33333 auaurrghghhggghhh. ohh hes so everything 2 me. also i love seeing characters who don't Get Everything Immediately. like yeah! you got time to parse through it all in yr brain man. hell yeah rotate it in ur mind for weeks before coming to a conclusion!! no one has their entire belief system hammered out in advance!!

+ also feeling fucking unhinged over mark winters. as always.

[narwhalandchill]

(just my 2.3 pull / general hsr rambles/rant but i get negative abt fireflys characterization again so thought id hide it for all the fans sake. good for yall & good luck pulling her i just cant get into her)

welp got my e1 gallagher (+ e2 mika) in 30 pulls on firefly so thats it from me, ill get e2 from the character selector so at least thats sth!!! i have been playing him a bit even at e0 and i do overall like how he feels so getting him to that e2 breakpoint where he rly starts to thrive as a sustain pick is v nice

anyway no early firefly which is whatever i consider her in game writing an absolute failure anyway and havent cared enough to watch Any of the trailer stuff either bc like . they lost me in 2.0 im sorry girl no matter how hypothetically good those trailers could be the writing team lost me forever at the ayaka-teppei forced date arc and thats it lmao . she couldve been an actual character but oh well what matters is shoving how cute and perfect and sad and in love with TB she is down ur throat at every fucking moment . her idle animation is so fucking bad too it made me laugh irl at how awful and cheap the fanservice is w her like yeah alright navia idle (which is already the worst idle in genshin i hate it) 💀💀💀 how do you do a characters potential this fucking dirty holy shit . we havent shilled firefly self insert ship to players enough so lets upskirt her too uwu!!!!!

But uhhh yeah thats a me being a hater thing ultimately i just physically cannot stand characters like this and first impressions do matter . Dont let me ruin her for u. nothing but props to her VA too like as much as her general characterizations appeal has been unsuccessful on me still shes been giving it the Absolute most to try to make her feel real and sympathetic and i respect that a lot

Still tho only thing that rly sucks w not just getting firefly at 4 pity or whatever and being done w it is just the. Welp Guess ill proceed to be unable to full clear any of the next 7 AS or MoC updates bc i pulled the wrong characters instead of Good Meta Dev Faves acheron and firefly like havent rly been a fan of the way the shilling has been going recently . like i just have rly shit matchups into the weaknesses of most stages these days and idk i havent even felt like Bothering to do PF 4 bc i just. DoT PF is always the fucking worst and i genuinely dont know what the hell to try to slap at it for a clear. guess my bad for not pulling swan either like truly my mistake . whatever its just a game .

Actually am i getting like burnt out ? well tracks for a honkai game i suppose. ig it also has to do w just the absolutely abysmal luck ive had now like. ive lost LC 75-25 of the 3 times i went for it TWICE . ive lost 50-50 like 5 times in a row now lmao and fully expect to lose on jade too at this point 🙃 might not even manage to get her at all . Sigh guess thats gacha at its worst for u

Sorry this got way more negative than i thought HSJSKSKSKSKSKD i hope the 2.3 story ends up being good at least so theres Sth good about it . and its not like i will die not clearing endgame content w full stars or sth it just sucks bc the way its happening just feels bad

edit: yeah im @ coffee break at work and it took me this fucking long to realize i just casually typed mika instead of misha JSJSTUHTS8J5Z9 💀💀💀💀 im so sorry misha youre way better than that nerd 😭😭😭😭😭 esp at c2 w the def shred i might even build him who knows . So sorry for this

[effervescentdragon]

Re your interviewers not even sure what to ask anymore ask, that’s me but with the fandom lol. I’m literally this close to just starting to translate all of Toto’s German interviews just to feel like there is Any reason for me to still be here doing Stuff in this fandom, like what am I doing, exactly? Make predictable guesses as to who’s gonna win, only get surprised by DNFs and engine failures and battling in the mid-field, have my grandpa tell me ‘the races have really been going downhill’ and log off??

i posted sth about jude bellinghams dick game on insta on main yday and og bff asked me what im compensating for w footie posting and should he be worried abt my mental state and i said f1, because im just not incentivised to watch it anymore at the moment? im hoping it changes when races stop being so early - i am sad i missed nico's commentary the most tbh. i guess fandoms come and go and things get more and less interesting but the thing for me is - if im not enjoying it, i won't make myself watch/read/do it just because i've made it my Thing. i can have many Things. we all can. i think, when something doesn't bring joy, its good to step back. give yourself time. f1 will be there. 🫂

i also think there is this insidious thing that you have to be "productive" in a fandom, that you have to do, be doing something to justify your presence in it. i know i've felt off because im not churning out 10 ficlets a day anymore, but the fact is - you don't have to DO anything to BE in the fandom (this feels like some metaphor for life but i only took one sip of coffee today so far). fandom is about enjoyment, yohr enjoyment and sharing that enjoyment with people who also love a certain piece of media or whatever. this capitalist bullshit of treating a fandom space like it's a job (what am i contributing? have i met my quota of posting about my blorbo today? how many followers do i have?) like... who the fuck cares. i still count myself into the silm fandom and i havent posted about it in ages. doctor who, star trek, hell, fucking x men and cap america and hannibal and so many things. i am still a fan of so many things that bring me enjoyment. thats why im a fan in a fandom.

i guess what i'm teying to say is that its really hard sometimes, when you lose interest or get disheartened by someting thats brought you joy before. when you feel like you're "failing" at liking something. but i try to remember - im a person, i have interests, interests change. a thing i loved isnt that anymore. okay. not okay, but it's fine. you may find joy again, you may surorise yourself, or you may just drift to something else. you're no less you, and no less a fan, if your intensity isn't the same now as it was yesterday or a decade ago. and with f1... its changing so much that its honestly pretty understandable to feel that way. bff stopped watching during the seb era, came back when it looked like seb might win w ferrari, then skipped the whole lewis era. og bff skipped merc domination era completely. my cousins husband stopped watching the moment alonso won. ive had friends stop watching the moment max won. it happens.

what im saying, too fucking long and winded bcs apparently im in a mood today - dont force yourself into something that doesnt bring you joy. theres so much joy to be found in this world deapite everything, and you're no less you for losing an interest in a fandom.

[credulouscanidae]

i feel like this year has been a huge bust mentally

i didnt wanna be like this still by christmas, let alone the new year

i dont want it to become march and im still like this, a whole year since moving by then.

but i can feel myself improving, funny enough.

ive spent a lot of this time in despair and grief, and i was giving myself a time limit on those feelings. which made me unable to meet my own expectations, which made me recede and become unable to challenge myself, because i wsa constantly setting myself up for failure to begin with. it feels impossible to do a challenge youre already failing before you begin.

and i have been self aware this whole time too, having that logical part of me talk me through it all. i can look back at myself almost in a third person, as ive always done, and see all the connections as to why im feeling and therefore behaving this way.

so instead of sitting around punishing myself, ive been /trying/ to tell myself theres no time limit on adjustment, and that i am strong enough to pull through. even if i come out of this being disliked. ive put so much energy into being anxious about what people think of me, that ive caused my own cycle of not being able to face it.

i have been acutely aware this whole time that others can only do so much for me, and in the end the only person who can change my situation is me. for me to find that inner strength to do that.

i feel like a lot of the noise has quietened down now. because i had to suddenly grapple with not only accepting my old life was changing, but that i had to suddenly build up a brand new life from scratch with very little support. but the life building in england is finally feeling...like i can do it. things feel less confusing and daunting, the roads feel less scary to navigate, i know where to go for what i need now, and ive been falling into daily routines again. which i didnt have when i first arrived. it's like my roots are finally burying in. and thats making incorporating my aussie roots back into my life feel a bit more doable.

i WANT to have voice chats with friends, or have a casual hello. i dont want to be like this. having a twisted tummy and palpitating heart every time i see a new notification on my phone. i havent even cleared my notif bar on my phone for months, out of fear of seeing a message i havent checked from so long ago. there is so much literal and mental clutter. and i want to be free of all of these notifs and emails etc. its not anyones fault but mine. i WANT to be more engaged, i feel homesick and miss everyone. and i HATE that those feelings dominate my behaviour, and how EASY it is to fall into a self fulfilling prophecy. i hate how it makes me a neglectful friend and family member.

but, with therapy, and settling into my life here. i think i can slowly work my way up to getting over all of this. i really. really. REALLY. fucking want to. i want to draw again, i want to learn how to sculpt, i want to be involved in peoples lives again. because right now, im finding it hard to even humour the idea of making friends here in the uk, because of how guilty that would make me feel, and how not ready i am to make new connections, especially cuz i would rather reinforce connection with existing people in my life.

again. self fulfilling. all that does is make me continue to be lonely.

but as i said, it's slowly getting better. i feel bad about how negative ive been all this time. i just want people to know that, in regards to my relationship, i AM happy. and i know that 10 years from now im going to look back on all of this with evren and go "fuck man that was a lot huh"

you cant hate yourself into loving yourself, and thats something that has kept my spark going, even when it's been one bad thought away from fizzling out.

im trying to be easier on myself. i know that all of this can exist at the same time as me having negative effects on others (which i guess is just an assumption to begin with) and i am not immune to causing that damage. but honestly? right now in this moment, im trying to give myself some compassion and lenience. because ive spent years and years feeling anxious and being hyper vigilant about my behaviour and how i affect others, that i have barely taken the time to consider myself and be healthy and strong in my core self. as they say, assume the best unless told otherwise. thats going to be a goal of mine. i always assume good intentions from people, even to a detriment, so i hope to take that view and shape it into a healthier outlook. maybe not everyone has their best intentions or insight, but i think overall people are just trying. god, in this goddamn fucked up world, all we can do is try.

and thats why i need to be more lenient.

sorry for all the tangents and sloppy execution. im probably in the acceptance stage of grief atm lmao, and im tired of being like this.

[yuukei-yikes]

What kind of relationship do you think Ayano and Kano have? Especially considering this shitshow going on with them and Shintaro

answer is here but... >:3

both are very messed up and filled with guilt/feelings of failure over their whole thing from back then. kano is so ashamed he ended up doing the things he did even if under the threat of saeru and ayano is ashamed she even dragged him into it in the first place, only to end up leaving him & seto and kido alone... she feels like such a failure :((

i think ayano would rly try to talk about it, but disregards all of kano's own remorse and just like kido and seto she's like yeah u shouldve said something but its ok we're family and ayano is even more like this bc she feels so RESPONSIBLE for kano's mistakes she's like oh my GOOOOD especially for shit like having to pretend to be her corpse, ayano rly feels like she's singlehandedly put kano through hell. so she's all over him like a worried mom lol

and he IS all messed up but he's like id rather get stabbed again than be honest abt all these feelings of dread bc what am i supposed to say?? that i feel empty and clueless and lost and sad and undeserving even though everything is ok and my sister is back?? in what world do i have the right to feel the way i do after all the mistakes ive made. like who cares i feel undeserving, its not about me. if anything its about kido&seto getting ayano back. its about ayano getting her life back!!

but ayano keeps acting so apologetic and remorseful and it makes kano so sick. bc how can she feel so responsible, it wasn't her. it was clearing eyes. kano is so angry that ayano and also even shintaro&mary keep blaming themselves for things that weren't their fucking fault it was CLEARING and kano's like IM the only one who knew for so long and didnt say anything. if anyone's a fucking asshole its me!!!!

so... i think both kano and ayano are going to each other like i know ur hurting talk to me💖 no im fine. YOURE doing badly. talk to me. NO YOU NO YOU NO YOU and its stupid

and for the whole shintaro stuff. well kano IS SO MAD at him because 1. hes dating his sister and is overprotective over her 2. he is FUCKING UP with his sister making it WORSE 3. HE LIKES HIM *HOLDS HEAD* DESPITE IT ALL HE LIKES HIM SO MUCH💔💔💔

erm. after ayano's breakthrough/kano starting to see shintaro etc etc i think... both kano and shintaro are so terrified of their relationship so ofc they wouldnt tell anyone. which is why itd be 10000 times funnier if theyre caught. idk how that would go but i just know itd be funny. i havent given it much thought yet but i just want it to be a sitcom moment i love secret relationships and characters finding out one by one

erm abt how ayano would react i think shed be surprisingly chill about it?? like she's not mad or not even weirded out she's probably just like hehe THERE IS something to like isnt there shuuya :3 and kano wants to die. maybe she'd be iffy if its very fresh after breakup with shintaro she's like girl ur not ready for a relationship LEAVE MY BROTHER ALONE‼️‼️‼️ but it all depends in what mental context she is at. also if she was like this, kano and shintaro freak out like RELATIONSHIP⁉️ WHO SAID ANYTHING ABT A RELATIONSHIP WERE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP and its so ridiculous and insane. lol.

[sammyloomis]

vent under cut 🫡

i am really really really sick of feeling like absolute dogshit tbh tbQh

its not even that i feel sad, i just feel vaguely angry and numb all the time and my outright Refusal to even Attempt to find work is pissing me the fuck off

why cant i make myself do it?? its not that fucking serious, and yet i feel so useless and worthless that even the most basic of basic jobs feel leagues out of my depth like im so terrified of failing and being made to Feel like a failure that im straight up refusing to put myself in any situation where i can potentially fail. cant fail if u never try!! cant succeed either but at least u cant fuckin fail!!!

like god, if i was anyone else id be able to be so optimistic and encouraging about it but the fact itself myself i have to encourage, it just feels impossible. i feel like im such a waste of space all the time.

and i SHOULDNT!!! like GOD!!! i got a first in my degree, thats the highest u can GET, who fucking cares that its just an art degree i still did it. i hated my old job but i still did the damn thing and applied for uni and got in, i did that, and that was terrifying but i did it. if the me who did that is still in here, i can fucking apply for a shitty retail job for christsake

the days are just blending together, i cant find joy in my hobbies anymore, i havent drawn in weeks, i feel like im losing my fucking Mind in this house, i need to get OUT

and the first step to that is getting a damn job so if i can just do the damn thing and stop being such a damn pussy and fucking MOVE ON WITH MY DAMN LIFE

all this being said, i understand low points like this are temporary and its all just valleys and peaks and shit, but when the lows hit they fuckin hit dude

[captainimprobable]

I’m so stressed I’m so stressed I’m so stressed

I’ve been working from the shiva house this week so it’s nonstop “I’m sorry for your loss” and getting food together and people asking me what the fuck im doing with my life and I’m forced to tell them nothing!!!! My life is so stupid right now!!! “Where do you live now?” WITH MY PARENTS. YES I UNDERSTAND ALL OF YOUR KIDS WHO ARE YOUNGER THAN ME LIVE IN THE FUCKING CITY BUT I CANT AFFORD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m making less hourly at my job than I made working retail.  I’m working paycheck to paycheck, I have no benefits, no insurance, no nothing.  I turn 30 in four months and what do I even have to show for it??????? Nobody is hiring no matter how many applications I fill out, and I cannot get past the stupid fucking number.  My breakdown last year was because of this and as it creeps closer and closer I feel myself getting more and more stressed about it I know. I know logically 30 means nothing.  I know.  But I can’t believe it. My brain wont let me.  My brain thinks that because I’m a failure at 30 Ill always be a failure.   And I’m tired of being a failure.  I’m tired of watching everyone else in my life succeed and I feel like I’m stuck in quicksand and I can’t figure out how! the fuck! everyone is moving forward and Im not! And my grandfather is gone and my house lost power and I’m sitting here almost crying but I CANT cry because my grandma isn’t crying. My aunts aren’t crying. My dad isn’t crying.  Everyone is fine and Im spiraling and that’s not fair because this isn’t about me And I keep bothering my girlfriend and she’s probably gonna leave bc I won’t shut up and Im too much and gOD I havent felt like this in months, if I’m going back into an episode I’m going on an arson spree. ok bye

[urie]

if i am very honest with myself i havent felt The Same about where i live since the summer/fall of 2020. between being tear gassed by my city police and having my local government lie about it and then everything that happened afterwards at the homeless camp, literally the constant threat of helicopters circling (100% a psychological warfare thing) and police surrounding us all the time and what felt like a failure in the end after all of that, idk, i feel hollow walking around my city. i dont like going near where all those things happened and unfortunately they were all kind of very central to the area and close by my house. it just feels weird, strange, different, all the above.

this is very very much a white privilege thing but i truly did not understand what it felt like to genuinely fear the police. i knew to be wary and i knew they couldnt be trusted, i knew all they had done, but i could not fully wrap my mind around it, in many ways i dont think most white people are able to, there is just a genuine mental block there caused by privilege

but for as brief of a time as it was, i did experience police brutality and excessive use of force, for the first time i was able to catch a glimpse of what that was like, and i have not recovered from that

i thought i was going to die up against that fence when they were throwing tear gas at us, there was nowhere to go. i still remember the way the sound of rubber bullets echoed around me and how i couldnt figure out what direction they came from and how helpless that felt. and that happened right in the center of my city and i still had to ride my bike past that spot on my way downtown. every time

and now i have this fear unlocked that i just couldnt have known before and obviously i know philly is not the only place that happened and police are bad everywhere but specifically seeing the ppd uniform just sends jolts through me now. even in totally innocuous settings

i remember one night in the fall i was dressed in such a way that made my identity impossible, whether i was male female white black etc, there was no way of sussing that out especially in the dark

and i remember standing in front of a cop car, thinking absently that they would hesitate to run a young white woman over, that i had an advantage others didnt, and i'd be fine, and i was using my status to put myself in situations that i'd have some protection

but obviously they didnt see me as anything but a person in their way and the fucking pig DID drive forwards anyways and i was so taken aback i fell and someone had to pull me up and drag me out of the way

and i remember that constantly. that being safe was kind of an illusion and as much as i thought i was fine and i wasnt being mentally affected by everything it obviously isnt true

idk this is just a ramble but

the pandemic made home feel weird, then the protests made me feel connected to my fellow philadelphians and a better future, then we got snuffed out and smothered in the end anyway, and everything looks strange and empty again, and what i have now is a helpless feeling, and ptsd

i want to believe 2020 did mean something and it will be a catalyst for a different future but i look around and cant see it and despair for that. i dont feel good about being here. just odd

[moodr1ng]

(ed + weight loss talk [positive, not disordered] tw)

as i mentioned a couple times i recently have managed to get my binge eating episodes under control and have been losing a lotta weight as a result. and like. the odd thing about it all is.. when my ed went from like, a bad relationship to food from childhood to an actual serious disorder around 11 years ago, i started with heavy restriction. i got my tips from the old pro-ana blogs and whatnot and my ideal was to eat nothing at all, and any amount of food felt like a failure. but ofc your body literally cannot sustain doing that for any real length of time, and i had always had an issue w episodes of binge eating and emotional eating, and that got out of control when i started heavily restricting. and the restriction never made me lose much, but the binging? the binging made up for any disordered weight loss i managed, and so i ironically starved myself to obesity.

my therapist says populations who have generationally undergone scarcity and famine are more prone to putting on fat and not losing it easily, and to deal with diabetes and health issues from obesity. it feels weird to even think of that. that the weight i put on while i was trying to starve myself into weight loss was also impacted by the generational trauma within my body. id never even thought of it. i think of my mothers recurrent cycle of draconian dieting and exercising which she can never maintain, always putting the weight she lost back on.

the restrictive urges are still there, but im dealing with them. and im dealing with the binging, too. i havent binged in three months, and in those three months i lost the most weight i ever have in all those years of trying. i cant find anyone on the support and recovery groups i follow talking about losing weight in recovery, not gaining it. i feel completely unequipped to deal with it. losing it means im doing better - it also triggers my desire to restrict and threatens a relapse. its a strange thing to cope with.

i just weighed myself. im now, and for the first time in i dont even know how long (perhaps since then?), under the weight i was when i joined my first pro-ana forum. its all quite surreal to me. it is an achievement. it is a win. but what a strange thing. what a strange fucking thing.

[iamafuckinpieceofshitihatemyself]

there is something wrong with me i cant do anything right i cant feel anything right i am a failure everything i do comes out wrong i am tired i am so tired of feeling like this its like theres a stormr in my mind and it goes down on my chest and it hurts so much i hurt people i love its like i dont even know how to be a normal human being talking to other people is a burden existing is a burden i feel everythign and nothing at the same time i cant tell reality anymore i cant trust my thoughts everything i think i dont know if i can trust and the worst part is i know why i am the way i am and i cant fix it nothing i do makes me feel any better everything comes out wrong no matter how hard i try and i am so tired i just want to not feel like my existence is a burden to me and to everyone around me i am tired i dont want to feel like this i dont want to feel like im insane because thats how i feel i feel insane i feel like i am going mad and i need to be put into a hospice because i cant control what i do what i say its like someone takes over me and i am so jealous i cant even hold the thought that someone might like me i cant believe it i feel like theyre constantly trying to cheat on me or doing something behind my back and i do things to them i hrut them by saying mean things and then i feel so alone because everyone is so tired of hearing me talk about the same things talking about them talking insane things i am insane people think i am insane i feel alone i am lonely i am too much and i am nothing

yesterday i freaked out because i watched him take a shot with a girl who he flirted with and i freaked out i was drunk and i was high and i watched it and the way he said it the way he was looking at her it was flirting and something snapped in my head and all i could say to you waas that you are disgusting and i kept repeating how disgusting you are and you got so mad and then we left and you yelled at me in the middle of the street at 6am about what a hypocrite i am because i was talking to my ex you yelled at me so much and all i wanted to do was take back and try to explai n wht happened and you were also high and drunk but you were so violent i got scared you were gonna hurt me so i walked away but the things you said made me feel like i am the worst person in the world the things i do its like i project on you everything that i do you made it feel like i am the disgusting one and i dont know what to think and what to feel and nothing felt real and all i wanted to do was disappear stop exissting because i am so fucking scared of losing you but its like i cant realize the things i do its like everything i do is wrong and i cant do this i cant do relationships i am to much of a narcisist i need everything to be about me i need you to think of me look at me touch me all the time and if youre giving attention to someone else its like my whole world is falling apart and i get so angry and i keep the anger inside me and i talk shit about you to other people and everyone thinks youre such a bad boyfriend because i keep this anger inside me and then i explode and i say mean things and you make m e realize that i am worng and i feel bad but then tehres no coming back, the damage is done, you still slept at my place because you were way too drunk to walk home and the next day was so awkward because i was still and i am still feeling like shit i feel like i fucked everythig up and you were being so nice to me and doing all the right things and i had to go and fuck it up because its just unfathomable to me that you could be nice to me that you were doing nice things because you likeme it must be because youre fucking someone else or talking to someone else and i just cant trust you or anyoen i cant trust anyone not even myself and i feel so insane and i know you think im insane too and i dont understand why you havent broken up with me yet after yesterday i thought it was it and i still think you might come to senses to what a complete piece of shit insane bizarre manipulative crazy bitch i am and just go away but you were still trying i could tell you were stil hurt and mad but you were trying so hard to still be at least a little bit nice to me because you said you want to help me to be better but i dont know if im capable of i dont know if i can ever be better i dont deserve you i dont deserve anyone i deserve to die alone and to suffer and feel this awful feeling in my chest and in my head every day for the rest of my life i deserve to be treated like shit to be yelled at i deserve bad things i deserve to die i should die i should just end things but im not even capable of that im too much of a coward to even rid the world of my awful existence but let it be known that i am aware that it would be better for me and for everyone around me if i just died or disappeared or was just never born at all i am a piece of shit disgusting whore and i hate myself and i wish you wouldve done it yesterday i wish you wouldve hit me i know you would never but i wish you would hit me and hit me and hit me until i pass out wish you would kick me and spit on me because thats what i dserve for all the things ive done to you and to all the other people in my life that ive hurt with my existence i wish you wouldve killed me deep down i wanted you to grab me by the throat and squeeze the life out of me but you could and would never youre a good person and for that i cant forgive myself i should leave you and let you be happy with someone else but i cant live without you my life revolvesaround you and for that i am insane

[pinksparklelps]

I really need to get this off my chest. Whether to just, inform, or give myself some kind of peace of mind. Because i think about this so frequently and sometimes it gets so overwhelming. Everything will be under the cut, so please, protect yourself if you do not like to read about discourse/drama.

First things first, im gonna do what i REALLY dont want to do, and thats ping who exactly im talking to. Even if they dont work at all. @velvet-sword @fluffnstuffq you two. You two are the main sources of my endless thoughts.

I want to start this off with how childish you were. Your “proof” is not proof. I am not, and never will be that stupid asshole terf Florence. I am just as much of a victim as all of you, and you have no right to say otherwise. I guess i could say its my fault for getting so close to popular people that are/are nearly adults when im STILL a kid. And when all of that shit went down i was, what, 14? And you expect me to act like the mature one.

Im so tired of thinking of this almost everyday because you caused me, AND MY GF so much pain and paranoia. Why, WHY on gods green earth would i EVER want to be florence? Tell me. Give me what you think are my thoughts. Because let me tell you, I HATE ATTENTION. Good, bad, neutral, ALL OF IT!! I do not like to be complimented because i feel like i dont deserve it, i dont like to be yelled at because i feel like a failure, i hate when people even LOOK at me because who KNOWS what on earth they could think about me? Even if its just polite eye contact, the thought of someone watching me makes me freeze.

I admit, i have used gacha back then, and I occasionally use it now because the minigames are fun. Character creators are good because i can make characters like that if im not feeling inspired. But SOOO many people use gacha life/club/whatever. Whos to say one of you didnt or did have it installed? I have no proof it was you, you have no proof it was me.

And the fact that you were harassing more people just solidifies the fact that i made a huge mistake in idolizing you back then. I was just a kid who like a silly game about music and shapes, and you basically ostracized me from the entire fandom. I havent played the game in like 2 years because of the terrible memories of you.

And Blitz!! Remember that one person you mentioned that you got us all against? I know them. Theyre actually a nice person. AND. You and gingy. You crossed the line, especially gingy. Stealing my characters after the fact, redesigning them EVER SO SLIGHTLY, and making a goddamn story with them? Even my spiritual oc’s that represent parts of me. You guys are supposed to be role models. You are popular, and older, and you do this to a fucking child? Ive been more mature than youve been in that situation. You all sent hate anons when i just walked away. I wanted to leave but you kept chasing me. Funny how i got no more hate after threatening to block them.

Speaking of which, “changing typing styles.” Only way i change my typing/writing is for fanfiction/stories and when i meet new people. I naturally incorporate others words and phrasing into my language. Hell, one of my new friends got “skill issue” from me haha. It seems to me like you couldve been projecting. Taking your actions and saying IVE done them so everyone looks at me instead of you. Funny, since you care so much about justice. Justice for everyone except the child who was also a victim of tracing and cyber bullying.

And i cant BELIEVE you would think i was abusing my gf. Shes smarter than that you know. If she were in a bad situation i know she would want to leave. If i knew i were hurting someone i would feel so guilty and push who i was hurting away. Well it seems my “loving and sweet gf” facade has worked for 2 years huh. Impressive of me isnt it? No. Me and my s/o are happy and we help each other grow every day. I do something wrong? They point it out, I apologize and do my best to fix it, and vice versa. Unlike you, i know that we are happy and in a really healthy relationship.

And since im talking about all this, rainb! Yes you! You were so incredibly uncomfortable to be around. Just seeing you type was enough for fight or flight to kick in. You were so harsh and not at all understanding and its a miracle you were allowed to be a mod. Sometimes i wonder how many people in that server got hurt and how much the server has fallen into disarray. I just hope people get out of toxic situations like i did.

And lastly, how dare you make fun of my fucking vents. You, you all are utterly amazing! I couldnt even begin to THINK of the possibility of someone doing that! You fucking assholes. I can be scared of my mom and still seek guidance from her. Shes my MOTHER! And i did NOT hide behind her, and it was only ONE TIME when you all were ganging up on me in a private chat. Its not my fault i froze and fucking broke down because you thought i could cause mass chaos in a community i loved. The second you start making fun of someones feelings that they trusted you with, you have become the monster.

No matter how much I despise each and every one of you, i do not wish for you to come to harm, even though you so obviously deserve it. I hate that i want you to be happy. But my mom told me it shows that im just a kind person. Sometimes i miss you, and i hate it because you were awful. I wholeheartedly believe in karma, but i also believe you can do better. I want, need, and deserve an apology, but i know you wont give it. And even if you do, im never ever going to forgive you for what you did to me. I once almost committed suic*de because i couldnt contact you and i didnt want to lose my friends. I couldve been sent to the mental institute back then because i cared so much about losing who i loved. But i see i put my life in the wrong hands.

I felt so hopeless in that server, but in my new group, i see so many talented people and know i trust them. I love them, and i dont feel sad knowing im not as good as them. They are talented, and even if i cant fully see it, i am too. I could never see myself as good enough with you all. But now im happier, and have good friends and family that i know care about me, even if i dont fully think i deserve it. Im happy with where i am. Im happy with how much ive grown.

And even though it hurt so much, im happy i met you guys because it was a learning experience that i never asked for.

I dont care what you have to say to or about me anymore.

Im happy.

[summerlycoris]

I havent had a great day today. Gonna chuck it under a cut because its probably gonna be long and annoying.

So i volunteered to help set up and run my workplaces pride stall this year. Got excited to do it- even made some bracelets to put out on the table if they gave me permission.

But the hours were originally 9am setup. Luckily, i checked my work email on my phone the evening prior. Because theyd changed it to 8am.

I would normally work today, but arranged to take annual leave so i could do pride. And ultimately never ended up going because of a few things.

One being just. Executive dysfunction. Im always late for everything- even things i want to do. Especially when- and this might sound stupid- i hate that people expect things of me. Feels stifling. But i signed up for this? But i signed up for a 9am start not an 8am one. And this is my annual leave im using so i dont want to immediately jump out of bed and rush around like on a workday yknow? So even though i wanted to get going before 8am, it wasnt happening.

In the end, i get ready to go there for 9am because. I missed the time to get ready for 8am or even 830am so. On the bikeride over there i got so worked up thinking about how theyll be judging me- all these people who work in the office and i havent met before- they'll be thinking like 'oh summer. Didnt you get the email? This was supposed to start at /eight/. Well, we've already set up... we'll find something for you to do /i guess/.' And even if everyone acted nice to my face, they'd be thinking it and judging me. And i burst into tears halfway there and was just like. Even if i get there now, I'm gonna be crying all day so whats the point? People are just gonna look at me like im a weirdo. And theyd be right.

So i turned around and went home. Texted one of my coworkers that would be there that i wasnt having a good day and couldnt make it. So she'll be looking at me like im a weirdo at work tomorrow too! Cool! And maybe my boss will be judging me- like i went through all this effort to /not/ do something?

I just. Fuck. I dont know why i bother trying to do anything. I just disappoint myself and others.

I dont want other people tp have control over me. But not wanting that doesnt change the fact that they /do/ have control over me. Ive beholden to their expectations. And if i dont meet them ill be judged. Thats how the world works. That should motivate me to get out of bed right?

If anything, knowing that and repeated failures just ensures I keep failing. Keep failing to get anywhere on time- because its hard to fight against anxiety and bitterness, all in a combo one-two punch. Keep failing to /want/ to do things. Because i know ill fuck it up.

Am i making any sense?

Honestly i feel so shit. Might just ring in for work tomorrow too. Im so fucking tired.

And like. Im nearly 30. This kind of tug of war between success and failures been going on since i was a kid. I could actually see about getting diagnosed with adhd and see if /anything/ can help me but all the horror stories about getting diagnosed and what if im just. Wrong. What if its just me and nothing helps? Because i think its a mix of executive functioning issues, and bad mental tbh.

I dont know what to do at this point.

[karatekid1]

hi guys it been a while. Well, everything right now feels like its going up and down all the time, like on monday, three days ago, my life felt so good, i was so happy, then everything went downhill again on tuesday. today is thursday and idek how im feeling, i dont got any apeitie, and my life just feel so depressing. i realized yesterday that heartstopper is like a core memory to me, like i havent watched it since season 2 came out bc people started calling it cringe and i actually started to think it were. i was just a kid back then it feels like, because every day i get older and i feel embarressed for my younger self, in like a few months i think that this me whos writing this is gonna be so cringe, why are we like that? or maybe thats just me. but what i mean is that yesterday i listened to some of the soundtrack songs, i just felt warm and happy inside, and it kept doing everytime i listeend to the songs, i stayed up til 3 am last night just rewatching the first season and it made me cry actually idk why but it just brings me so much comfort. anyway, uni going fine ig, some subjects are really terrible, but im surviving. me and benjamin (the nick to my charlie) are still together and idk tbh how hes feeling ab me atp, like im so fucking stupid and annoying i think hes getting tired of it. i feels like im slowly loosing my mind again bc of everything. i hate myself for the way i act towards people. most people i know would call me nice, they do, but then i literally argue with everyone over stupid shit just bc i am sensetive. and i dont know how to deal with myself, i just get so easily mad and jealous of everyone and its starting to spread out more over the people i love which is not meant to happen but i cant control it. how much i try to be nick, will continue to always be charlie. what was i made for? i dont even know myself anymore. people say they're proud of me but i will literally treat them like shit without even realizing it myself. all i really want is to be seen and heard, but i end up embarresing myself, overshare or just make people upset. im just a failure, im not supposed to be here, i dont fit in. i dont know whats right or wrong anymore i just want to live my life, but im literally just miserable. i try so hard everyday, to get people to like me, to make me like myself a little bit more and not hating myself, but when ive done something wrong i cant even realise my mistake until so long after ive done it, and i feel so stupid. i dont deserve to live the life that i do. i dont deserve any of this. i try to be like everyone else, i try to be interesting but if you try too hard no one is gonna like you. and if youre not interesting people wont wanna hang out with you bc youre boring. you should be funny but not mean, you should be perfect but not fake, you shoulld be thin but not starve, you should be smart not a tryhard, you should be yourself but not different, you should be happy but not annoying, you should be kind but not too kind because then people will use you for their own good. i hate humans, i hate what we've made this world into. sorry this became a whole vent post but im just so tired of living without having anything to live FOR.

[dimonds456]

its disability pride month and i'm going through it. vent. check the tags on this one.

sorry there's been so many of these recently, I'm really, really trying not to be this negative, but... man.

something out there wants me dead. bad.

first it was water. then it was depression. then it was anxiety. then it was trauma. then it was graves disease. then it was trauma. then it was adhd. then it was summer in general. then it was maybe autism. then it was trauma. then it was nervous system failure. and now it's an eating disorder.

like not all of those are life-or-death (though adhd can feel like that sometimes lmao) but i've had so many fucking brushes with death that i'm not even afraid of it anymore, i'm just fucking frustrated.

i feel like Mugman from Casino Cups, honestly. "Death is so sudden, it could happen at any moment... everything could end at any moment... and I wouldn't even realize it...

[...]

"I've moved on, I'm not mourning, it's a part of life, but... the unpredictability of it... it's... it's not even SCARY, it's more INFURIATING!! One day, I'll disappear, and... never see where we'll go... never do anything I could have done! I HATE being at its mercy..."

the only difference is that he's died and come back 527 times. i will only die once and then that'll be that.

i've always had a weird fascination with death. maybe it was getting diagnosed with graves disease in middle school that started it (seriously who the FUCK picked "GRAVES" as the name for a disease, did they WANT to freak people out??), maybe it was the realization I'd have it for the rest of my life and now I would have to take pills forever, or maybe it was that first time I almost drowned in elementary school, or the other six times after that. I really don't know.

but i've made it. somehow, some way, i'm still here.

y'know, i wrote an entire ode to death and recorded audio of me reading it. i wanted to put it on youtube but i havent found time to make a video for it. maybe one day. that ode means a lot to me.

i don't know.

the only thing i know is that I want to make the best of the time i've got, which isn't a lot. i don't know how much time i have, but it's less than 20 years i can tell you that right now. if i reach my 40th birthday i will eat both of my shoes AND my hat. i don't mean that in an "i am depressed" way i mean that in a "death and i have a rehearsal at least twice a year and brother i do not know how to dance" way.

i try so, so hard not to be negative online. i really do. i don't want people to remember me as the one who only ever complained, or the one who got angry at everything, or the anxious one who never said anything original or worthwhile, or the one who only ever talked about politics. i want to be a good memory. it's the quote i live by. i want my memory to be a good one.

and i'm failing.

you, right now, reading this. i'm failing you. and i'm sorry. i just... don't know what else to do.

i've realized now that the reason i've been so bent out of shape as of late is because i will never feel safe. even if i moved to the kindest community in the world, even if all the world's political shit got fixed overnight, even if my anxiety and depression suddenly vanished... i can never feel safe because i live in this body. this long-suffering vessel that always, always has something life-threateningly wrong with it.

this eating disorder i have now is only the latest in a long line of shit. each new threat just gets more and more dire. i'm terrified to find out what the next one is. i almost wanna bet money on appendicitis or something but i also don't wanna jinx it, ha.

i'm sorry.

"Someday we will all just be a memory for some people. I just want that memory to be a good one." - Camila Cuevas (Glitchtale, 2017)

i'll keep trying. i'm going to pass with a smile on my face. that WILL be the last thing i do. i promise.