#ill post a picture of the bracelets later maybe idk

[summerlycoris]

I havent had a great day today. Gonna chuck it under a cut because its probably gonna be long and annoying.

So i volunteered to help set up and run my workplaces pride stall this year. Got excited to do it- even made some bracelets to put out on the table if they gave me permission.

But the hours were originally 9am setup. Luckily, i checked my work email on my phone the evening prior. Because theyd changed it to 8am.

I would normally work today, but arranged to take annual leave so i could do pride. And ultimately never ended up going because of a few things.

One being just. Executive dysfunction. Im always late for everything- even things i want to do. Especially when- and this might sound stupid- i hate that people expect things of me. Feels stifling. But i signed up for this? But i signed up for a 9am start not an 8am one. And this is my annual leave im using so i dont want to immediately jump out of bed and rush around like on a workday yknow? So even though i wanted to get going before 8am, it wasnt happening.

In the end, i get ready to go there for 9am because. I missed the time to get ready for 8am or even 830am so. On the bikeride over there i got so worked up thinking about how theyll be judging me- all these people who work in the office and i havent met before- they'll be thinking like 'oh summer. Didnt you get the email? This was supposed to start at /eight/. Well, we've already set up... we'll find something for you to do /i guess/.' And even if everyone acted nice to my face, they'd be thinking it and judging me. And i burst into tears halfway there and was just like. Even if i get there now, I'm gonna be crying all day so whats the point? People are just gonna look at me like im a weirdo. And theyd be right.

So i turned around and went home. Texted one of my coworkers that would be there that i wasnt having a good day and couldnt make it. So she'll be looking at me like im a weirdo at work tomorrow too! Cool! And maybe my boss will be judging me- like i went through all this effort to /not/ do something?

I just. Fuck. I dont know why i bother trying to do anything. I just disappoint myself and others.

I dont want other people tp have control over me. But not wanting that doesnt change the fact that they /do/ have control over me. Ive beholden to their expectations. And if i dont meet them ill be judged. Thats how the world works. That should motivate me to get out of bed right?

If anything, knowing that and repeated failures just ensures I keep failing. Keep failing to get anywhere on time- because its hard to fight against anxiety and bitterness, all in a combo one-two punch. Keep failing to /want/ to do things. Because i know ill fuck it up.

Am i making any sense?

Honestly i feel so shit. Might just ring in for work tomorrow too. Im so fucking tired.

And like. Im nearly 30. This kind of tug of war between success and failures been going on since i was a kid. I could actually see about getting diagnosed with adhd and see if /anything/ can help me but all the horror stories about getting diagnosed and what if im just. Wrong. What if its just me and nothing helps? Because i think its a mix of executive functioning issues, and bad mental tbh.

I dont know what to do at this point.

[bangtancity]

TOP TEN MARKSON MOMENTS

Long post ahead y’all but this was a lot of fun to go back and reminiscence about markson and their antics together. I hope all of y’all enjoy! 

Also, please remember that these are my own personal opinions and that they shouldn’t be taken literally or seriously. But if you ever wanna come talk markson with me, I’m always ready :) ((Note: All gifs should be linked directly but videos and pictures with have physical links above them because I’m not sure how to link those to their respective tumblrs– if your post is here and you want your content removed bc you don’t like the linking, msg me and I’ll take it down.)) I’m a litlle late but here we go!!

1. This was one of the ones I already had in mind ;) I just love it bc it’s such a weird situation to be in but Mark, ever the gentleman, just takes it in stride and keeps his hands to himself. I love how near Jackson gets to Mark and if that isn’t the simplest testament of how (pun coming) close they are, I don’t know what is. In all honesty, if Mark really wanted out, a simple hand on the back or a squeeze on the shoulder or even just shifting out of the way would have sufficed but he stays and although his face is stoic, his eyes are constantly on Jackson. LOVE IT!

(Make sure to click the gif to see the whole gif post!)

2. SOFT!! My heart always swells a bit when I see this picture!! It’s natural and pure and they’re both enjoying this moment and it’s evident on their faces. I personally think jumping around puts a smile on most peoples faces and if other people, friends, are doing it with you, then there’s no way that isn’t going to make you shine. SO, jumping+BFF+concert adrenaline+love= BIG A__ SMILES !! Oh they’re also cuties so there’s that factor too.

LINK: http://fyeahmarkson.tumblr.com/post/136342100342

3. TBH I GOT DISTRACTED WITH THIS ONE AND REWATCHED THIS SECTION OF THE REAL GOT7– anyways…THIS IS PROBS MY ALL-TIME FAVE, THAT I FORGOT ABOUT. So the whole episode itself was hilarious with got7 and we got some markson moments sprinkled in but THIS, THIS takes the cake. I mean who doesn’t want to see their otp get this close to kissing? I love Mark’s hands cradling the back of Jackson’s head. I’d like to believe that Jackson stretched his neck up a bit more when Mark touched the other side of the paper but I’m not sure in this gif bc its quick (maybe I’ll add another one after I publish this). Like omg still can’t believe this happened though :D

4.  Ok all the Got2Day Vapp stuff was gold and I loved the fact that we got to see everyone but of course my faves Mark and Jackson had the best one ;) It was cute and relaxed and I just love them in light/soft colors. Also #no#personal#space !! The video is just a short moment but it is super cute and I love them smiling at eachother bc heart palpitations~ OH but the second gif is MY FAVORITE bc it’s Mark just watching Jackson talk and he just looks so content and caring and its just one of those moments ok

(Make sure to click the gif to see the whole gif post!)

LINK: http://marksonforlife.tumblr.com/post/152683520387/jackson-lays-on-the-table-and-mark-laughs 

5. I could rant FOR YEARS about this but idk if tumblr has a character limit or no.. BUT SERIOUSLY THIS IS JUST ICONIC!! It was actually the 1st to pop into my mind bc it was my icon (no joke for that one sorry) for a month I think? ANYWHO, I just straight up love this. They’re close. Jackson’s shirtless. Said Jackson is pressed along Mark’s backside. Said Mark is very very very smiley. Like Jackson could’ve chosen someone else- JB was kinda close I think- but he chose bae and got all up in bae’s business. And the fact that he’s partially restraining Mark? Keeping him flush with his body and leaning in to talk to him? My heart cannot keep up, this some tachycardia **** right here omg seriously!! Is it hot for anyone else in here or is it just them? *wink* 

PICTURE LINK: http://bangtancity.tumblr.com/post/149470443176/fyeah-markson-please-tell-me-again-that-markson

VIDEO LINK 1: http://marksonforlife.tumblr.com/post/149317913961/shirtless-jackson-hugging-mark-from-behind

VIDEO LINK 2: http://marksonforlife.tumblr.com/post/149277241258/two-angles

6. GO WATCH THE VIDEO PLEASE. Like the caption is spot on in my mind and I couldn’t agree more on the fact that it looked like Jackson was going to do something intimate and then he hesitated and looked at the camera!! UGH. seriously a fave moment bc its like what were you gonna do? huh?! You can’t not agree with the fact that that boy was playing around behind Mark. And then there’s Mark’s small smile and that little thing he does with his mouth, which reminded me of someone keeping a smirk in check. Oooooh there’s def something going on there and I wish I knew what it was!!

LINK: http://marksonforlife.tumblr.com/post/151033384652/i-already-posted-this-but-ill-post-it-again

I couldn’t find a gif of this video D: but I found some others from the same video (they’re faves but this ^^^ moment is the one I really cared for)

7. ANOTHER VIDEO!! 9/10 markson shippers should remember this badboy right here. I don’t even remember what video this moment came from but even if I see a still I freak out bc this is literal gold. One of the best shows of touchy!Mark and cuddly!Jackson ever. Seriously, Mark kept putting his hands on Jackson and moving subtly, and then he even has the nerve to lean into Jackson further to whisper something-BOY!! And then there’s Jackson who decides it’s perfectly ok to rest his head on Mark’s chest all casual like he’s done it a thousand times before. And one moment I really love to see is Jackson noticing Mark playing with J’s bracelet, looking at him, and then Mark moves his hand away so quickly like he’s been caught. its cute. don’t fight me on this. Also I got newly-dating vibes from this: not sure how much actual touching is safe, leaning into one another, glued at the hip, private jokes. Markson or never ;) I’ll add a gif when I find one!

(Make sure to click the gif to see the whole gif post!)

LINK: http://awesomemeowww.tumblr.com/post/128284251380/markson-httpifttt1hebms6

8. This picture satisfies like 3 things from my otp goggles-on checklist: smiling towards the other, touching, and suggestive posturing. Don’t tell me that this doesn’t look like Jackson’s about to pull Mark in and plant one on him! The positioning of Jackson’s hands make me wanna punch something bc who puts their hands there unless its for a headbutt or a kiss?? And lemme tell you that I’m 99% sure that he’s not about to headbutt Mark. (ALSO ARMS 4 DAYS JACKSON OVER HERE #hot hot hot) Back to the smiling and touching and pose- they’re close for one thing, and then Mark’s about to go into hug mode, there’s full eye contact going on, and what a beautiful smile!! It seems so loving and happy that I just can’t deal with them rn. I have a link to a gif, Jackson jumping into Mark’s arms :) , so I’ll add that in later!

PHOTO LINK: https://dani-okem.tumblr.com/post/160701529358

9. Ok but I really think they fit together so well sometimes~ Like their heights aren’t monumentally different but it’s enough that they look good together. SO there’s that sly BUTT tap and then the blessed hand moves up to the lower back (i like ur style boy) and eventually falls off the waist when they stop in front of the fans. Mark is totally guiding Jackson here and it seems like he’s 100% a-ok with it. Oh and there’s definitely some smiles going on here! I wish we had more concerts but the fanmeets are still great but there’s something about concerts that really let otps shine.

(Make sure to click the gif to see the whole gif post!)

10. VIDEO— ITS THE FINAL ONE Y’ALL AND ITS A FAVE BC I’VE BROUGHT IT UP A FEW TIMES. (lol I still get pissed every time I remember that I posted the screenshots on my old baeksoo account instead of this one but oh whale:) ) anyways I just love love love this bc it was so fleeting but so memorable. I know Mark was running around messing with everyone during this time (and that he did something similar to JB) but this was something special for Jackson. There was NO SPACE between them and their heads were so so so close. And then there were lots of giggles and smiling and DID YOU NOTICE THAT JACKSON HITCHED HIS LEG UP WHICH IN TURN BROUGHT MARK’S LEG HIGHER AND BY DEDUCTION, THEIR HIPS CLOSER?? bc I did. bc I know that. and it’s true. AND THEN AS MARK (the little tease) LEFT, JACKSON TRIED TO KEEP HIM THERE!! GRABBED AT HIS WAIST!!  I just want to know what on earth was going through Mark’s head when he decided to go and lay flush against his group member. seriously tho. but 11/10 would recommend them recreating this, in the presence of a solid 1080p filming camera preferably. 

PIC LINK: http://bangtancity.tumblr.com/post/144433607756/ss-baeksoo-you-can-see-that-jackson-brought-up

VIDEO LINK: http://awesomemeowww.tumblr.com/post/127118208761/jackson-doesn-t-want-mark-to-leave-so-he-was-about