#and it has me thinking very seriously about my future in this field and the academy as a whole

[dionysus-complex]

.

[rebeccathenaturalist]

ETA: I wrote up a guide on clues that a foraging book was written by AI here!

[Original Tweet source here.]

[RANT AHEAD]

Okay, yeah. This is a very, very, very bad idea. I understand that there is a certain flavor of techbro who has ABSOLUTELY zero problem with this because "AI is the future, bro", and we're supposed to be reading their articles on how to use AI for side hustles and all that.

I get that ID apps have played into people's tendency to want quick and easy answers to everything (I'm not totally opposed to apps, but please read about how an app does not a Master Naturalist make.) But nature identification is serious stuff, ESPECIALLY when you are trying to identify whether something is safe to eat, handle, etc. You have to be absolutely, completely, 100000% sure of your ID, and then you ALSO have to absolutely verify that it is safely handled and consumed by humans.

As a foraging instructor, I cannot emphasize this enough. My classes, which are intended for a general audience, are very heavy on identification skills for this very reason. I have had (a small subsection of) students complain that I wasn't just spending 2-3 hours listing off bunches of edible plants and fungi, and honestly? They can complain all they want. I am doing MY due diligence to make very sure that the people who take my classes are prepared to go out and start identifying species and then figure out their edibility or lack thereof.

Because it isn't enough to be able to say "Oh, that's a dandelion, and I think this might be an oyster mushroom." It's also not enough to say "Well, such-and-such app says this is Queen Anne's lace and not poison hemlock." You HAVE to have incredibly keen observational skills. You HAVE to be patient enough to take thorough observations and run them through multiple forms of verification (field guides, websites, apps, other foragers/naturalists) to make sure you have a rock-solid identification. And then you ALSO have to be willing to read through multiple sources (NOT just Wikipedia) to determine whether that species is safely consumed by humans, and if so if it needs to be prepared in a particular way or if there are inedible/toxic parts that need to be removed.

AND--this phenomenon of AI-generated crapola emphasizes the fact that in addition to all of the above, you HAVE to have critical thinking skills when it comes to assessing your sources. Just because something is printed on a page doesn't mean it's true. You need to look at the quality of the information being presented. You need to look at the author's sources. You need to compare what this person is saying to other books and resources out there, and make sure there's a consensus.

You also need to look at the author themselves and make absolutely sure they are a real person. Find their website. Find their bio. Find their social media. Find any other manners in which they interact with the world, ESPECIALLY outside of the internet. Contact them. Ask questions. Don't be a jerk about it, because we're just people, but do at least make sure that a book you're interested in buying is by a real person. I guarantee you those of us who are serious about teaching this stuff and who are internet-savvy are going to make it very easy to find who we are (within reason), what we're doing, and why.

Because the OP in that Tweet is absolutely right--people are going to get seriously ill or dead if they try using AI-generated field guides. We have such a wealth of information, both on paper/pixels and in the brains of active, experienced foragers, that we can easily learn from the mistakes of people in the past who got poisoned, and avoid their fate. But it does mean that you MUST have the will and ability to be impeccably thorough in your research--and when in doubt, throw it out.

My inbox is always open. I'm easier caught via email than here, but I will answer. You can always ask me stuff about foraging, about nature identification, etc. And if there's a foraging instructor/author/etc. with a website, chances are they're also going to be more than willing to answer questions. I am happy to direct you to online groups on Facebook and elsewhere where you have a whole slew of people to compare notes with. I want people's foraging to be SAFE and FUN. And AI-generated books aren't the way to make that happen.

[flippinpancakes64]

How the Cullens would react to you being a newborn

*Note* This is my first ever post please be nice :(

Edward:

Super supportive

Is so so patient

Will teach you everything he knows about self control and how to best curb your hunger

Will go hunting with you every day if that's what you want

He doesn't care if you're dangerous he wants a hug so he's getting a hug

Protective x100

If Jasper still has trouble trusting you after you've mostly gotten yourself under control he will be right there telling him to back off

10/10 would let him turn me into a newborn

Alice:

Again, supportive x100

She deals with Jasper on the daily, she knows how to help with cravings and sporadic behavior

Can easily stop you from things you shouldn't do because she can see them in the future

Would go hunting with you

Would lose her patience after a while if you keep tearing the clothes she buys you tho

(Not actually she'd just be a little frustrated :) )

Would also come to your defense if Jasper or anyone else doubts that you have yourself under control

"I can literally see the future it's fine-"

Jasper:

The worst of them all probably-

He's very tough to get to in the first place

He has a dark past, most of his trauma is from Newborns

He doesn't trust you for a really long time

Super skeptical, will follow your every move ready to hold you down

He's just trying to protect his family tho

You're gonna have to be on your best behavior if you ever want him to trust you again

He'll come around eventually though with the help of his family to show him that you're adjusting well

After he's certain you're no longer a threat he will feel so bad

Cuddles x100

He's just a big softie who loves his family behind those scary eyes

Rosalie:

Ok I lied she might be the worst actually-

If you did this to yourself or had another one of the Cullens turn you chances are she's never gonna talk to you again (sorry)

I mean we all know that she hated Bella's guts until she got pregnant with Renesmee

But if you got turned by accident or by a rogue vampire attack?

Supportive x200

Mama Bear mode activated fr

She remembers what it was like all too well

The pain, the confusion, the anger, the hatred

You couldn't do a single thing wrong in her eyes

You accidentally attacked a hiker? It happens to the best of us

You broke one of the super expensive cars by closing the door too hard? It's ok Carlisle can buy a new one

Can and will defend you if anyone says you're not ready yet

Emmett:

Kinda chill tbh

Obviously since he's the strongest he's with you most of the time to hold you back if need-be

But he's more interested in making bets against anyone who will bet with him

"I smell an elk up ahead, I bet I'll get to it before they can"

"I bet I'll win in an arm wrestling contest"

"I bet they'll scream at Edward for playing that piano too loud"

Mostly is just a good supporter

He's really observant though and is a good judge on if you're ready to be alone yet or not

Esme:

Supportive x100

She hates seeing anyone in pain and you are no exception

Will give you all the tips and tricks she can think of

How to control your cravings, the best animals to hunt, the best places to go to just scream and let it all out

She's got you covered

Wouldn't be that strong of an advocate towards you being ready tho-

She acknowledges that she is not very well versed in this field and will accept Carlisle's or Jasper's judgements very seriously

She will do her best to help you though

Carlisle:

The man for the job fr

He has raised four different newborns that he created mostly all by himself

He knows exactly what to do

How to best help you, how to make sure you feel the least pain possible, how to speed up your process

Literally anything

He's very open to answer any questions you have

If you were dying and he did this to save you he'd be perfectly okay with you wanting nothing to do with him

He understands

It will take a while to fully convince him that you are in control of your urges, but one he's convinced he is on your side 100%

Vampire! Bella:

Definitely the most sympathetic

She was the most recent change, she remembers it the most

Even though she did have her self-control on her side, she still remembers how difficult it was

Will stand by your side no matter what

She's not scared of you or what you could do

To her you're still you

Will do her best to help you with anything you need

Does her best to help give you distractions if there are people nearby

Once she believes you're ready, she will not take no for an answer

She's stubborn

Very good support tho 10/10

[the-witchhunter]

I’ve had an interesting thought swimming around my head that I swear I’ve been meaning to write

You know what would be an interesting combination of characters?

Jazz and Harvey Dent/TwoFace

Specifically a Dent just getting back on his feet, released from Arkham and trying to learn how to exist in the world with his condition

I’m thinking a reveal gone wrong, Danny has disappeared to ancients know where, so Jazz cuts ties and Stays with her Uncle Dent, or maybe her bio dad if that’s more your game. Just an soaking wet and miserable Jazz showing up at his crappy apartment saying she’s his daughter or niece and him resisting the urge to flip a coin because he has enough on his plate as is, only to let her in telling her they’ll talk about it in the morning and point her to the shower so she can clean up and dry off

Why do I think this would be an interesting combo?

Jazz’s interest in psychology. A lot of times, as a fandom we depict her as an expert, and in a future timeline where she went to school and has been practicing psychology maybe, but default Jazz? She’s not an expert

Jazz wants to be a brain surgeon, psychology is an interest of hers but her understanding is very limited. She quotes Freud and Jung and has some amount of academic knowledge of the field, but she clearly doesn’t understand that psychoanalyzing friends and family and offering unwanted psychiatric advice is actually rude and something she shouldn’t do. She lacks understanding of actual therapy and is clumsy in applying her knowledge to people she knows

And I find putting her in proximity of someone with DID and probably PTSD would really be an eye opening experience for her

Because Dent might humor her, TwoFace will call her out. They both have hung around Harley to know enough to tell her, “maybe don’t take Freud so seriously” because man does everything go back to sex with Freud, and maybe quoting a guy that says she wants to boink her dad is not as strong of a point as she thinks it is

And the thing is, Harvey would likely still be receiving therapy as an outpatient, potentially taking meds to help deal with his conditions, likely a mood stabilizer or anxiety med to manage PTSD symptoms, so she’s front seat of him learning to live as a regular person in Gotham with his condition. She’s gonna see his good days, his bad days, the side effects of his medication, and it’s going to change her idea of what psychology is. It’s not just quoting things at people, it’s not just saying “this is good for people” but she’d see what it being put into practice would look like

Maybe that’ll push her away from the subject. Maybe it’ll make her more inclined to study, to learn not just about it as an abstract but how to actually apply it to help people. Learning about actual therapy practices. Maybe living first hand with mental illness would be the push to switch from neurosurgery to clinical psychology in her future plans

Also I just think that Dent would be empathetic and do what he could to help her, meanwhile TwoFace would help her cut loose a little, get a little chaotic and have some fun

You can’t tell me there’s not something fun about her and “Uncle Two-y” having a night on the town that only results in a little property damage. Relax Harv, they didn’t do anything too illegal, because they didn’t get caught or nothing

[short-black-diamond]

please can you do bf headcanons for kaiser and sae and rin please (fem reader)

thxx

yeheeheheyyy

German vocab: "Schätzchen" = cute-ification of "treasure"

---

"That's my boyfriend!"

Kaiser:

Ayo how I hate that bitch

Please don't request stuff about him in the future

But him as a boyfriend?

I guess he'd be pretty chill, but he'd like to have you on his lap a lot

like, in that one chapter where he examined Isagi, he'd for sure have you on his lap, while trying to figure out what made Isagi so different

and he'd just--- stroke your thigh?

Idk I think he would do something like that

anf then hmmm...I think he's rich

not filthy rich like Reo, but pretty rich

I think he'd also spoil you? like--he'd sometimes buy you jewellery, but other than that, he would buy you other stuff, which is much more useful

like, one time he bought you a new tablet because yours got coffee on it

his coffee

soccer dates don't @ me

he'd try to teach you soccer if you didn't already know how, and if you did, he'd have you running after him as he always took the ball away right under your heel

It was funny, and you were happy to see your boyfriend laughing and giggling when he teicked you over and over again by dribbling the ball around you, before he gave you a small kiss to your cheek and scored a goal

"Jeez, you need to do better if you want the ball, Schätzchen."

You huffed. "I hope this wasn't an insult.."

"I'd never insult you, ____."

You guys would also go through Germany, with him showing you a lot of sights and taking pictures of you, then some selfies and would also buy you a cute souvenir.

he's a gentle lover, who gives you soft kisses and holds your hand softly

I think he'd also bring you to a viennesse ball, just to dance viennesse waltzer with you with an expensive, victorian dress he bought you as you two danced the waltz in old fashioned clothing in an old fashioned building with old fasioned people

bonus points if it was a masquerade ball

(imagine if he told you he'd meet you at the ball and mistake another girl with you, thinking that it was you, and you arriving to him dancing with another girl who had similar features as you...just imagine the heartbreak...the drama...I'd dance with Ness then, just to spite Kaiser...maybe I'll write a fic about that?)

Sae:

If you read my last post, I guessed -correctly- that Sae's an ass guy

Excpect your butt to be warm and squeezed at all times, babe

No but seriously I'm so proud of myself for being right about something I didn't know was already canon

*pats my own shoulder proudly*

He's busy

He has to train

but if you want to come with him, he won't stop you

When he was with the U-20, and he agreed for you to come with him, he hated it the moment you stepped foot in the room where he and his team was in

Imgine the bloodlust he felt when Oliver and Sendo touched you and flirted with you like there was no tomorrow (they didn't know that you were together with sae)

"I'm Sae's girlfriend..?", you then said and Sae hugged you from behind.

"Yes, I am her boyfriend, so take your filthy hands off of her.", he seethed.

Safe to say, the two didn't really listen as they just kept flirting with you, and they got to feel Sae's wrath on the field as he just kicked the ball into their face and crotch area

Other than that, I'd expect him to be very clingy

he looks touch-starved

give this man some love

After practise, he would always take a quick shower before cuddling with you on his bed and just take a small nap, letting you do whatever you want, but don't move your legs

he once turned you around on your stomach with force before he just---let his face fall onto your ass cheeks

you have no idea why he has an obession with your butt but oh well

Rin:

Another touch-starved baby

But he enjoys your company, speak, the first weeks of you dating him were silent, but he always had a small smile on his face

but let me tell you- he blushed madly when you held his pinky with yours

it was actually the first time you touched him

boy couldn't breathe

what have you done ____???

However, as the days went on, Rin initiated the touch more and more, and after a few months came the first kiss, with him kissing you softly, but his lip was trembling

And a rin with a beet red face came to view

I think he'd talk very quietly to you, I don't know why, but I just--do, you know?

Like he only wants you to hear what he has to say to you.

and you love it

also expect him to buy you stuff you don't really need?

I mean, he means it in a good way, but do you actually need an owl plushie in all its natural colors?

"Rin...why?"

"I-I like owls...! ...and, you're my girlfriend...so I wanted to give you something I like.", cue him looking at you sadly, but with innocent eyes.

yeah, you kissed him breathless after that little confession

also like-- I don't think any of the blue lockers have a dominant bone when they have an s/o at first, which means that the boys would also be shy

and I can just imagine Rin taking many tries before he actually asks to hold your hand, or takes nearly an hour more time from his busy schedule to buy you flowers you weren't allergic to, but which you also haven't received yet

he's the type who'd try to bake you cookies, and only have a small error, like either not enough sugar or cocoa, or idk what

---

Okay and that's it! I hope I nailed it, tell me if I didn't!

Read you guys in the next post!

[sunkissedchld]

𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐊 𝐀 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃

𝒂 𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒔𝒉 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒕𝒉 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓

the piles go from top left to right. so, african violet is pile i, pastel lilac is pile ii, and so on and so forth.

take the time to close your eyes, breathe, and meditate on the PAC prompt, then open your eyes and let your guides lead you to the pile for you. i hope you enjoy, and please let me know if it resonates with you! my ask box is open [even to anonnies]).

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈

Shufflemancy:

"Deep" by Big Sean (feat. Lil Wayne)

"Black Cat Nero" by Ateez

"Everlasting Love" by Fifth Harmony

"Neighbors" by J. Cole

Signs:

"this is my last straw"; "i can't do this anymore"; "why do people think this about me?"; "what did i even do?"; "so much for that"; someone with light hair (ie. strawberry blonde, honey blonde, could be bleached recently); someone who is a social butterfly or around social butterflies usually; screen time; movies; tall (in height or in thoughts and beliefs); nurturer; green; you could be drawn to my profile picture and page because of the green

Reading:

the people choosing this pile are looking for hope during a time where they feel very anxious and possibly even lonely. you might feel as if you've been struggling and fighting for a long time and don't feel that you can go on any longer. although you feel this way, your harsh truth is that you have to keep going and fighting until the bitter end. no one else can help you complete this breakthrough and gain the self-confidence and skill that will be learned from this treacherous time. other people can't take on this burden for you - it has to be done by you.

you're meant to feel isolated right now because old bonds are being broken and disintegrated while new ones are being crafted. you likely feel like you're going through a bad luck period; you might feel disillusioned with life and disappointed. one way you can overcome this is by no longer looking back on the past and worrying about what would've or should've been. all of that has already been done and whatever has happened can't be taken back. now is the time to take actions towards a new future and seek your own truth for the present moment rather than dwelling on the past. that's when your luck will renew.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐈

Shufflemancy:

"Superstar" by Shinee

"Destruction" by Piri (feat. Kold-Blooded)

"Hold On" by H.E.R

"Out Of Control" by The Boyz

Signs:

"i wanna be free"; "don't take me for granted"; "i'm only hurting me"; "perfect control"; "he left us all behind"; "you promised"; air signs (gemini, libra, aquarius); relationship problems; "what happened to the plan we had"; monolingual; someone in the field of science and technology; astronomy; planter/green thumb; non-committal; someone is cheating; "whoopsie"; petite/small (could be thoughts or physical size)

Reading:

there's a lot of anger in the people that chose this pile. you might naturally be generous towards others and be the type of person to give your last when you have none. you gain a lot from being this generous and helpful towards others. one harsh truth you need to hear is that everyone isn't your friend, so stop continuing to be overly helpful when people have shown their intentions towards you. you're not obligated to save and help everyone you come across. stop following in the footsteps of tradition and allowing people to take your kindness for granted.

at this current point in time, someone is manipulating you because you're allowing them to. you know that they are because you've recently started feeling more upset than usual - that's because your inner and higher self know that you're downplaying your worth and allowing yourself to be walked all over. it's time to break the precedent you've set and create a new one. when you allow this anger to be heard and seen, people will recognize it and you will begin feeling at peace again. make the decision and follow through with actions to show your seriousness and relieve yourself of the anger you feel before it hardens and turns into greed and a lack of willingness to help others at any point.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐈𝐈

Shufflemancy:

"Bills, Bills, Bills" by Destiny's Child

"Mo Money (Interlude)" by J. Cole

"Who Says" by Selena Gomez

"You Don't Know Me" by Ariana Grande

Signs:

"i wouldn't wanna be anybody else"; "i'm sure you've got some things you'd like to change about yourself"; "you don't know where i've been"; "you think you know, but you have no idea"; "they don't understand"; someone is science and technology; someone planning on changing the future of society; someone with a heart for humanity; empath; self employment; seemingly no direction; spontaneity; "just winging it tbh"; 30s; medium or dark hair (ie. black, jet black, raven black)

Reading:

first, if you also felt drawn to pile i go read it first. pile i and you have similar topics in that both of you currently feel insecure and might even be feeling like you have imposter syndrome. you're thinking "am i even good enough to do what it is i'm being told to"? "why do people view me in this way when i'm nothing like that?". despite this, there's also a little voice in your head and/or heart that gives you hope and is giving you insight from afar even if you feel it's hard to interpret or understand. your harsh truth is that your anxiety and shortsightedness is what's holding you back from seeing the light. you need to have confidence in yourself because without it you will falter and never feel good enough. other people's compliments and encouragement will mean nothing until you give them to yourself.

this may come as a surprise to some of you - fame and recognition is in your future, but you know the idea of "you never know what's happening behind closed doors"? when you receive this limelight, you will never feel satisfied with what you're doing and your accomplishments until you praise yourself for what you've done. the most meaningful gifts and compliments must come from yourself or else all the others are just words and material things. you can't allow self-pity and depression allow you to not see yourself for the gem and unique person you are. you deserve to see the beauty in yourself. freeing yourself from needing others' compliments and instead giving them to yourself will free you from your current stress.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐈𝐕

Shufflemancy:

"No Scrubs" by TLC

"Blow The Whistle" by Too Short

"Run" by Otis Kane

"pride.is.the.devil" by J. Cole (feat. Lil Baby)

Signs:

"pride is the devil.. i think it got a hold on me"; "pride is the reason for the dichotomy"; "stop"; "i get breathless"; screen time/movies; work; social butterfly; little miss/mister perfect; "everything i touch turns to gold"; sexual frustration/release; not self employed; working for a big company; striving for recognition and overwhelming success; medium or dark hair (ie. brown, brunette, mousy brown); skillful; jack of all trades; (former) procrastinator; "one less problem"; "this is the come up"

Reading:

the people choosing this pile are hard workers willing to do anything in order to achieve their wants and dreams. you have a strong willpower and mind set that enables you to be successful often. you'll continue to work until you're on your last leg and suffering both mentally and physically. you don't allow others to help you even when you need it. your harsh truth is that you're so oblivious it hurts. you need to re-evaluate what you're doing and the track you're heading down as a result of your actions and instincts. you're leading yourself down a path where plans will get canceled either because of event issues or because of personal health issues. you know the saying "if you don't take a break your body will force you to take one"? that's the path you're currently working towards. this will eventually lead you to feelings of gloom and self-doubt. you'll think that this path isn't for you or your beliefs are wrong when in reality, you're just working too hard. you are on the right path, but even those following the correct way need breaks.

remember to look for and enjoy the little parts of life. if you're so focused on meeting the next goal/the next finish line, then you'll never appreciate it when you meet the one you were striving for last time. you'll always be on the search for the next best thing, and you'll end up never being satisfied which would be unfortunate because blessings and luck are intrinsically linked to you. do all things in moderation and change the current way you view your reaching of goals in order to have true satisfaction.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐕

Shufflemancy:

"Jealous" by Kehlani feat. Lexii Alijai

"Superstar" by Shinee

"My Name Is" by Eminem

"Attention" by Charlie Puth

Signs:

12:11; "i can't just invest in shit"; "i see right through it"; "if this is the way it is, don't even put me through it"; "you just want attention"; "i know that dress is karma, perfume regret"; sexual expriences/first time; intelligence; mystery; hidden enemies; hidden intentions; science and technology; computer science; tall (in height); skillful; high position; travel and adventure; air sign (libra, gemini, aquarius); "i suck at letting go"; age gap; "die a little bit"; "i wanna be prepared; just in case"; "come my way"

Reading:

so many many messages came out for this pile, so you could be the most confused about your current life situation, or you're being oblivious to signs being sent to you. you're naturally in tune with the divine feminine, your emotions, and your intuition. you're such an original with rich skill and the resources to succeed (even if you don't feel you do). new beginnings are at the tip of your future, and you're staring at them in awe, but the inner feelings you harbor towards prior experiences that have turned sour keeps them from reaching you like you expect. it's like you want revenge against those that have wronged you. by the way, if you were drawn to pile ii, please go read it! i feel that some people overlap between that pile and this one. your harsh truth aligns with theirs in that you can't let prior experiences sour your future.

as of now, your bitterness and craving for revenge is leading you to be lethargic and experience delays. you might even feel frustrated because, again, you can see new beginnings and blessings in sight but they're being kept away from you. they will continue to be out of reach until you allow karma to do its work on its own and not influence the outcome. this is going to be hard to understand, but you need to learn to forgive whoever hurt you; this doesn't mean you have to be friends with them or be totally enthusiastic when thinking about them, but you need to at least allow yourself to be indifferent towards them. like i said before, you need to allow karma and the universe to do the work of allowing them to reap what they've sown. you need to forgive in order to heal. after you do that, you will feel so secure and see the blessings you've been eyeing plop directly into your lap. a new found love and connection will likely present itself afterwards also.

this is your Tower moment in that you need to remove your prior foundation and buildings in order to create something grander and more fit for you rather than for others who have pressured or influenced you to do something different. this pettiness is not of you, so don't allow it to consume you. allow optimism and passion for something new to fill you and leave behind what brings about depression and anger. listen to your intuition and think over the dreams your guides have sent you. it's time for you to heal and go on new journeys rather than wallowing in despair.

𝐏𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐕𝐈

Shufflemancy:

"Dancing Like Butterfly Wings" by Ateez

"no tears left to cry (live)" by Ariana Grande

"No Friends In The Industry" by Drake

"make up (live)" by Ariana Grande

Signs:

"i wanna be in the gold of time"; "highlight of my life"; "i love it when we make up"; "it's a mood; it's a vibe"; 20s; quiet time; introvert; culinary arts; foodie; performing arts; artistic kid; earth sign (taurus, virgo, capricorn); narcissism; medium or dark hair (ie. black, brown); tan complexion; spring break; vacations/traveling; study abroad; ariana grande stan

Reading:

this pile has been feeling nostalgic recently. you miss your childhood, don't you? you miss the feelings of not being worried, of being free of adult responsibilities and stressors. you miss when your biggest worry was whether or not your friend would be at school so you two could play together. you might be in high school or college as of now and although you're experiencing some successes, something is missing. you feel as if you need to go through a rebirth phase; you need something or someone new and exciting to come in and give you a shock. you're daydreaming of this a ton to the point where it might even be messing up your study schedule or something of the sort. you could be separating from your childhood friends and that's also partially why you feel nostalgic.

your harsh truth is that a whole new community of people and friends are waiting on you and willing to give you the new and exciting life you're looking for, but you're avoiding or ignoring them. you might not even know them personally yet, but your daydreaming on old friendships keeps you from opening up to others. maybe your shyness gets the best of you? or you worry if old bad habits will pop up and ruin everything, but you need to slowly but surely put yourself out there. do everything in moderation and at your own pace. be willing to be uncomfortable in order to experience what you daydream about. create new foundations in order to become the next version of yourself.

[missbluesunflowersstuff]

I think the only right way for Damian to become Batman is much slower than everyone thinks

Just image: Damian in the future as a veterinary student, slowly distancing himself from the world of vigilantes and Bruce, an old man, with aching and tired bones, who has suffered with chronic pain for years (you'll have to take chronic pain Bruce Wayne and Jason Todd headcanon from my cold dead hands) getting ready to go on patrol once again. There are a series of murders happening and he wants to investigate

And Damian goes into the cave (maybe to take care of Batcow) and see the scene. He feels sorry for his father, Bruce's love for Gotham cursed him and now Gotham was slowly killing him. Then Damian calmly approaches and gently pushes his father into the chair. And in a tired voice Damian says:

“Leave this to me today, father, take your medicine and rest.” "No, Damian. You have to go to college today"

"Gotham is my city too, they're my people too...and they still need Batman"

Damian also knows that Dick has his own city to worry about; that Jason is busy on some mission around the world; that Steph is too tired for this; that Tim is too attached to the Robin mantle for that; that Duke recently had a child with his wife; that Cassandra is now a renowned ballet teacher and Damian doesn't want to get in the way of his siblings' lifes. He knows that if he asked, someone would accept, but everyone is so happy now, it took so long for them to reach that moment... Damian then decides to sacrifice himself that night.

Only that night

He will becomes Batman just that night, so his father can rest, he makes it clear that he will only do it that night

"Don't get used to it, father, it's just for today"

But that news spreads like fire. Even Jon and the other heroes start to inform Damian about things that happen (Batman still is very important in the Justice League) and Damian? Damian ignores

He goes through the messages, emails and claims he only did it once and never again. He forwards everything to Bruce, not wanting to get more involved than is convenient

but then the next month, Bruce has another rough night and Damian takes up the mantle again. This becomes a strange habit between the two of them, slowly and silence, one night a week... two nights a week...

The biggest change happens when Bruce is seriously injured fighting someone much stronger (and younger) in the sewers of Gotham. Damian had an important test at college and Bruce didn't want to call him, it wasn't fair to push that on Damian when the boy made it clear that he didn't want the mantle. So Bruce lies there for hours, in the midst of pain and dirt trying to reorganize his mind until Damian appears, the youngest son noticed that his father hadn't come home yet so he got worried and went after him.

Damian and Bruce open a pact that night, Bruce would stay in the cave supervising and Damian would work in the field

This works very well at first but soon Damian comes home to see his father sleeping, and it becomes a routine. Damian is happy that his father trusts him enough to sleep while his son is on patrol, that's good

the truth only shocks Damian when at a league meeting Jon refers to him as Batman, not Robin or Damian, no. Batman. The Batman.

and even though many people believe that he became Batman out of neopotism, the truth is much more different and sad than that. He became Batman through his own choices and effort, to protect his tired father and also to protect Gotham. Because, in the end, Damian learned to love Gotham the same way Bruce loved it.

Note: I love imagining this old Bruce slowly realizing how unfair he was to Damian his early days, how Bruce only saw Damian as a spoiled brat, a monster covered in blood and mud instead of helping him like Dick, Alfred and Steph did . I love imagining old Bruce kicking himself for not noticing Damian's gentle, compassionate side sooner. Side that was underneath all the anger, dirt and trauma

And also Bruce realizing that Damian is as gentle to people as Talia was in the past Note²: I'm not trying to villainize Bruce and sanctify Damian; Damian did a lot of things, but he was a ten year old child who didn't know how to deal with the world (+brainwashed by a cult) and Bruce was a grown ass man who had been dealing with traumatized people for many years, Bruce should have been more patient with Damian but you still have time now Bruce, you can do it. I believe on you, you can still be a good father

[mi-rae07]

can I request a mafia mingi x pregnant s/o angst :3 mingi breaks up with the reader bcs he thought she was a burden with his mafia life but he doesn’t know that she’s pregnant. Hurt me with all the angst you’ve got! but with a happy ending i beg TT

Song Mingi : Chance (Part 1/3)

Pairing : Song Mingi (Ateez) and named character (Jung Miyeon)

_____________________

Miyeon : doctor, are you sure? There's no other-

Doctor : I'm sure, miss lee. You are three weeks pregnant, with twins.

______________________

Mingi : and? Did you check the bodies properly? There was no trace left behind at all?

Jongho : none, sir. It seems as if they were all killed in one go.

Mingi : then that means there was more than just one assassin.

Jongho nodded, looking at the gruesome pictures that had been laid on mingi's desk. He was just about to say something when the door opened, revealing mingi's mother. Jongho quickly bowed down, mingi letting out a breath as he stood up and said

Mingi : eomma, I'm quite busy-

Jina : I know, I came to talk important matters with you, son.

Mingi : one that cannot be discussed at my house?

Jina : yes.

Mingi nodded and motioned jongho to step out, jongho bowing one last time before leaving the both of them alone. Mingi watched as his mother sat on the seat opposite him, a grim look on her face.

Mingi : what is it?

Jina : your father is very ill, son.

Mingi : I know that.

Jina : no, this is worse than before. Doctors say he has only another two-three more months to live.

Mingi sighed, leaning back against his chair. He was never a fan of his father, given the conditions he was brought up in. but he was still mingi's father.

Mingi : what is his last wish then, eomma.

Jina : he wishes to get you married.

Mingi : he seriously wants me to get married to miyeon-

Jina : no, not her. Another lady, a better one.

Mingi : eomma, what the hell?

Jina : I always told you this wasn't going to last, mingi. I always told you your father would want something in return for handing over this company to you.

Mingi : isn't what he's taken from me already enough?

Jina : apparently not. And son, I've seen miyeon, I've talked to her. She isn't fit for this lifestyle of yours. One day she's gonna want you to leave this field of work and you know that isn't possible. This is our-

Mingi : family line, I know.

Jina sighed, leaning forward as she said

Jina : I know you love her, but you must let her go if you truly care for her, son. You know what your father can do even if he's in the hospital. If you don't let her go, he's going to do it for you. And it will not be in a good way.

Mingi let out a breath, muttering under his breath

Mingi : get out.

Jina nodded, getting up from her seat as she said

Jina : remember what I said, son. Make sure you won't regret your decisions in the future.

Jina turned around and left, leaving a disturbed mingi behind.

__________________________

Miyeon looked up as she heard footsteps coming her way, indicating that mingi was home. She smiled and stood up, keeping her phone away as she opened her arms for mingi. He smiled, keeping his bag away before wrapping his arms around miyeon.

Miyeon : had a bad day at work?

Mingi : mm, something like that. And you?

Miyeon : it went as work always does.

Mingi hummed, nuzzling his head onto her shoulders. Miyeon bit her lip, deciding she should probably ask him what she had meant to.

Miyeon : do you ever think you'll resign your position as a mafia, mingi-ya?

Mingi stiffened in her hold, his eyes now open as he pulled back from the hug with a frown

Mingi : what?

Miyeon : you know, since it's a dangerous line of work, one day when we have children, do you think you'll give up your work and choose to do something less dangerous?

Mingi stared at miyeon as his mother's earlier words rang through his mind

"And son, I've seen miyeon, I've talked to her. She isn't fit for this lifestyle of yours. One day she's gonna want you to leave this field of work and you know that isn't possible"

His mother was right, and miyeon had already started asking.

Mingi : you know I do not really want children, yeon-ah.

Miyeon blinked her eyes, her hands clenching around mingi's shirt. Oh no, she thought.

Miyeon : like…ever?

Mingi : miyeon, what is with you. You've never asked questions like this before, why are you so suddenly interested in children?

Miyeon : no I'm just…asking for future purposes-

Mingi : no, then don't. because there will be no future for us with children. I do not want any.

Before miyeon could say anything mingi walked to the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. Miyeon's hands fell to her stomach, caressing it as she shut her eyes tightly.

God, this wasn't going the way she had expected it to.

__________________________

Miyeon stared at mingi as he ate his dinner, not having uttered a single word since he came out of that bathroom. Which was very unlike mingi, who couldn't usually keep himself from talking.

Miyeon : I'm sorry I asked.

Mingi : it doesn't really matter.

Miyeon : but-

Mingi : can we leave that matter behind, miyeon?

Miyeon : why do hate it so much, mingi-

Mingi : because it is my work! It's what my entire family has poured their entire life into and now you want me to leave it?

Miyeon : that's exactly why I want you to leave it, mingi. How many of your people have lost their lives over this work?

Mingi scoffed, putting his chopsticks down as he said

Mingi : I should've known this would happen someday.

Miyeon : what would happen.

Mingi : this! You questioning my life!

Miyeon : I'm not-

Mingi cut her off as he stood up, shaking his head before saying

Mingi : forget about all of this, miyeon. I am not going to leave my work behind for anyone or anything, bottom line.

Mingi turned around and left, leaving a teary-eyed miyeon behind. What the hell was she going to do now?

___________________________

2 weeks later :

Mingi limited his interactions with miyeon after that night. Because the more he thought about what she had told him that night, the more he realized his parents were right. Miyeon wasn't fit for this life of his, and no matter how much it hurt for the both of them, it would be better if they separated. Before it was too late, anyway.

And so mingi realized the best way to do that was to slowly grow more distant to her as days passed. In that way, it would hurt less for her when he said he wanted to break up. She'd probably hate him by then.

Whether this whole thing hurt mingi or not, that he didn't care about anymore. If this was what was best for miyeon, then so be it. She deserved a life with children and a loving husband who wasn't in danger of getting killed every day.

____________________________

2 months later :

Miyeon was now sitting in her living room, the TV playing some show in front of her. Except she wasn't watching, and she didn't have it in her to go for work either. She hadn't said that to mingi, because after all how could she? He left before she was awake and came back after she was asleep. And during the few moments they would meet, he remained cold as ever. And this had been going on for the past 2 months. The more time passed, the more distant mingi grew from her. At this point they almost lived like complete strangers.

And that, miyeon supposed, was because of what she had asked him a few months ago, about leaving his job and starting a family. But if this was how mingi reacted to just mere words and questions, how would he react to the fact that miyeon was actually pregnant with their babies? It would tear mingi apart from her, which was why miyeon had hesitated so much to break the news to her boyfriend.

But now, now she supposed there was no harm in trying. Because anyway, he was distant to her. What if things turned out to be different once she actually told mingi about her pregnancy? And so she decided to tell him.

Miyeon flinched as she heard the door opening, a frown falling on her face. It was only 6pm, who the hell was home now? Miyeon stood up, keeping her bowl of grapes aside before walking towards the entryway. Her eyes widened as she saw mingi, his face turning into that of surprise as well as he stared at her.

Mingi : what are you doing here?

Miyeon : I…took a day off work. And you?

Mingi sighed, keeping his shoes aside before saying

Mingi : well then, let's talk.

Miyeon nodded, realizing it was required. It would be the best time to break her news to mingi. Miyeon was about to say it when mingi suddenly said

Mingi : let's break up.

Miyeon froze, her heart thumping against her chest as she whispered

Miyeon : what?

Mingi : let's go our own ways now, miyeon. I don't want to be with you anymore.

Miyeon : but…why? Did I do something wrong?

Mingi : miyeon-ah, remember when you told me about starting a family?

Miyeon : that-

Mingi : yeah no, I cannot do that. This line of work does not allow me to do any of that. Yes, my ancestors have had a family, and many of their children have been killed in the process. The ones that did survive in the end, took over the company. But I cannot do that to my own children, miyeon. And not to you either. I refuse to sacrifice an innocent life for the sake of all this.

Miyeon stared at mingi, her hands unconsciously going to her belly. Mingi sighed as he continued

Mingi : this is a path I must lead by myself now. You cannot follow me any longer.

Miyeon : but I can adjust, mingi. Our-

Mingi : except I don't want you to adjust, miyeon. I don't want you at all anymore.

Miyeon stepped back from mingi, her eyes hurt.

Mingi : the more as time pass, the more you will turn into a burden for me. And I don’t think either of us want that in our future. So go, go away from me and live a life that you want. A life that will give you happiness.

Miyeon scoffed, looking away as tears filled her eyes.

Miyeon : all that time I spent on you, on us, it meant nothing in the end.

Mingi did not say anything more. And just by looking into his face, miyeon had finally decided.

She was going to do this on her own, she was going to give her babies the world.

And so miyeon looked up at mingi with determined eyes before saying

Miyeon : fine. Then this is the end of us. Goodbye, mingi.

__________________________

11 months later :

Miyeon stared at the two beings that were deep asleep in their cribs with a smile on her face, slowly rocking their cribs. It had been a boy and a girl, and miyeon had named them minho and minji. They weren't purely identical, but they had their own similarities. While minho was more like miyeon, minji was more like mingi. Except she wasn't going to tell them about their father.

It was the same father that had abandoned miyeon, so why would she bother telling her children about him? She was a nurse after all, she made enough money to be raising the both of her children very well by herself. And that was exactly what she was going to do.

__________________________

4 years later :

Miyeon was now in a park with her brother, minho and minji clearly in their own words, jumping around the trampoline. Miyeon was watching them with a smile on her face, sipping on her chocholate milk. Wooyoung turned to face his sister, his eyes squinted from the sunlight

Wooyoung : how long are you going to hide them from mingi?

Miyeon : as long as it's required, of course.

Wooyoung : and the kids? They're gonna wanna know about their father sometime, yeon-ah.

Miyeon : when they're old enough, I'll tell them the truth. About how he left me before I could even tell him that I was with child. Until then, they're gonna have to believe that their father is somewhere outside this nation and is unable to visit them.

Wooyoung sighed, leaning back against the bench before saying

Wooyoung : so you're gonna work hard like this for your entire life? Without anyone by your side?

Miyeon : well I have you.

Wooyoung whacked his sister's arm, making minho frown at his uncle from afar

Minho : if you hit my eomma once more, I'm going to squash your tiny head.

Miyeon laughed at that, making wooyoung frown in dismay

Wooyoung : yah! Whose head is tinier!

Minho stuck his tongue out at wooyoung, making wooyoung groan as he started to chase minho around the park. Miyeon chuckled as minji jumped out of the trampoline, running towards her mother with a smile on her face before crashing into her arms.

Minji : what's wrong with those two idiots?

Miyeon giggled, smoothening her daughter's hair before whispering

Miyeon : I wonder.

___________________________

3 years later :

Miyeon was now walking back home from work, after having decided not to take her car to work today. She was about to take her phone out when she heard heavy breathing somewhere close to her, making her pause on her tracks. Someone was hurt.

Miyeon quickly traced herself to the hurt person, standing in front of an alley a few seconds later. And soon enough she saw the man that was crouched down on the floor, holding his stomach that seemed to have a small stab wound, while letting out soft groans. Miyeon stepped forward and was about to say something when the man suddenly looked up, his face coming into her proper view.

Miyeon : mingi?

Mingi let out a shaky breath, looking away from miyeon as he whispered

Mingi : go away.

Miyeon : you're hurt.

Mingi : as you can see. Now go away, jung miyeon.

Miyeon : and? What, you're going to just let yourself die here?

Mingi : why do you care, miyeon. You're not supposed to-

Miyeon : I care because I am a nurse, there's nothing more to this than that.

Miyeon stepped closer to mingi, bending down and moving his hands away to inspect the wound. Mingi stared at her the entire while, taking her in after so many years.

Miyeon : it seems to be a small wound. Do you mind going to the hospital?

Mingi : I can't, they're going to ask for an explanation. Miyeon-

Miyeon : then we're doing this the old way.

Mingi's eyes widened as miyeon lifted him up with her, dragging him out the alley.

Mingi : what the hell are you doing? What is your husband going to say when he sees you taking me home like this?

Miyeon : lucky for you, I have no husband.

Mingi paused, confusion lacing him. She didn't have anyone? Then the kids he saw in the park with her a few months ago?

Miyeon : I'm going to call a taxi. Make sure you have your coat wrapped around the wound at all times. We cannot let anyone see that you're hurt.

Mingi slowly nodded, his hand still clutched against the wound. Miyeon let out a breath, holding her hand out for a taxi as she whispered under her breath

Miyeon : I can't believe I'm doing this.

_______________________________

Taglist : @curly-fr13s @jeongintwt @jamia-wilson @aloverga @treasure-hwa @bigzaddydwaekki

__________________________________

[fruitsoxs]

hi socks just wanna let u know i have been thinking about those vashwood as roommates headcanons and i always come back to it cz it’s somehow??? so comforting??? 10/10 chef’s kiss thank u!

it's honestly my comfort au-- so here's a part two ! (here's part one)

Having Vash and Wolfwood as roommates would include(part two);;

warnings;; I included some nsfw headcanons this time. they're at the end and have a warning. This also has a bit of fighting/angst that ends in fluff notes: i have a couple of fics in the work for this au. let me know if there any big moments you would like to see written out into a full fic! (also possibly a knives spin off??)

Their jobs/majors

I kind of feel like Vash is studying in the science department. Specifically something that has to do with plant science? Botany, Environmental science, maybe even biology? I know it’s a little on the nose but I really do think it would work perfectly for him

Maybe he even opens up his own little flower shop in the future??

No matter what he has a lot of labs and he is always tired after them.

He probably has a part-time job as a barista at a little cafe on campus

No thoughts just Vash in a cute little apron

He’s a fan favorite among the college kids. They say he makes the best coffee, and he sometimes gives people little freebies when they look sad

His manager Meryl actively yells at him for it, but she doesn’t actually care that much.

He ALWAYS will give you freebies if you come in to visit him. He gets a free drink as an employee, and he’ll save it for you just in case you come in. Sometimes he’ll even take it to go and drop it off for you

Wolfwood gives huge phycology vibes. Mans had a messed up childhood and wants nothing more than to help other people through that stuff

Either that or he’s an art student. I can see that too

He takes school very seriously, but he is horrible at math. He cannot divide to save his life. He’s had to retake his math class like three times

His job? Well nobody knows and at this point everyone is too scared to ask. (He’s a security guard lol)

Whatever it is, he hates it. He comes home grumpy and needs lots of hugs and kisses.

He’ll be all pouty and pissed off, and then you’ll give him a little kiss on the cheek and a small smile will break out 

Bonus; Knives is on the track to becoming a surgeon. I will die on the hill that he is going into the medical field. (he’d look so good in scrubs) and i know McDonalds knives is kind of funny, but I'm thinking he’s actually and EMT. Imagine getting hurt and having Knives be your first responder (id die on the spot)

First Date

It’s not really a date- well you don’t call it a date. Vash just walks in with a couple of free tickets to a haunted house event thing  and asks if you and Wolfwood want to come

You’re like hell yeah

The drive there is like the calm before the storm. You listen to some music, seated in front with wolfwood driving. He definitely has his hand on your thigh. Vash is super excited about finally doing something that isn’t getting high and playing games

You all thought it was gonna be some dumb little spooky house. They’re never that scary. It’s just fun to see all the decorations and actors

Oh boy were you wrong

It’s so well put together. The actors are really into it, and they have amazing make up. When you’re standing in line, some clown girl walks up to Vash and you watch the regret build up on his face. The guy is already terrified

The first hallway is pitch black, and you have to rely on a feeling your way through it. Vash is mumbling about how much he hates it the entire time

Wolfwood is like “Don’t worry guys I’ll protect you.” And then proceeds to let out the loudest scream when the lights come on and there’s a girl dressed up as a ghost standing there

Soon all three of you are huddled up, holding hands, and shaking

These things should not be that scary!!!

It’s Vash who gets you kicked out

He gets so spooked that he runs into a bunch of boxes and knocks one of the fake walls down. The entire thing has to stop to fix it

You’re all banned

After that you go eat pancakes and complain about how scary it was

When things get tense

Fights can happen sometimes

None of you are perfect, and those boys have gone through some shit

Vash tends to shut himself away from you when he’s upset. He doesn’t come out of his room, and when he does he pretends like he’s fine. 

He doesn’t like burdening other people with his problems.

Eventually it just starts to feel like he doesn’t trust you enough to let you in. SIt gets really bad when he tells you to go away one day, and you watch Wolfwood walk into his room 30 minutes later

It doesn’t really turn into a fight. You just get sad, and even a little insecure. So, you avoid him back. Not because you’re vengeful, just because you feel hurt

A few days of the two of you not talking and Vash is in tears by your door

He begs for forgiveness and explains why he’s like this

You tell him it’s okay, but what he does really hurt you. He promises to work on it, and he does

That night the two of you make up for loss time

Wolfwood and you fight a lot more

Most of the time it’s silly little arguments that you solve pretty fast

Wolfwood is bad at communicating in general. But especially when it comes to his feelings

He has really bad days sometimes, and he can get grumpy really fast these days, and one day you really piss him off

He won’t tell you what you did though, he just gives you the cold shoulder

That pisses you off because you’d so be willing to talk it out and apologize, but he won’t tell you what you did 

So you’re mad now too

Things are tense between you too, and it all comes to an end on movie night when you start arguing about what movie to watch

You want to watch one of your favorite movies from your childhood and he says that it’s a stupid movie

Things get heated fast, while Vash just disappears into the background. He that the two of you need to workout your problems on your own (but he really wants to intervene) 

When the tears start falling, Wolfwood immediately stops

He takes a breath, and the two of you sit down and just talk. 

You talk ALL night about what happened, and what the two of you could have done better. In the end, you fall asleep on his chest while he plays with your hair. 

You have movie night the next night to make up for it, and he puts the movie you wanted to watch in before you can even talk about it ( he ends up loving the movie and after that you two watch it all the time)

Id have to make an entire other thing for when Vash and Wolfwood fight because it’s no fun for anyone

NSFW stuff

After the three of you finally get past the awkward stages and start fucking, you find out these two are…horny

They’ll grab you and go to town any time

They really like to share you, but there’s no jealousy in the relationship so it’s okay for one on one time as well!

Wolfwood will pull you into steamy make out sessions whenever. He’ll do it out of nowhere. I imagine he just really likes you, and can’t get enough

He’s very handsy. He’ll constantly have his hand on your hips, or your thigh, and your waist. He likes touching you

He’s the type to sneak risqué touches in public. He like watching you struggle to not let anyone else know what he’s doing

Quickies everywhere with Wolfwood

Vash is a lot more loving (not that Wolfwood isn’t loving– he probably has cried during sex) 

Vash takes his time though. He wants every moment with you to be special. He likes to do stuff like rubbing your back, and peppering kisses down your shoulders. He’ll run his hand up your shirt, and kiss your neck softly. He builds up to it

He really likes shower/bath sex. It’s intimate and relaxing

He also like when you take control (i know he’s a whimperer)

He is so bad at any type of public sex though. He gets embarrassed way too easily (and i think Wolfwood has fun with that) 

When the three of you do it together it’s fucking electric 

[swmmi-kti]

New people and New feelings (pt 3)

Kyojuro Rengoku x Fem! Flower Hashira Reader

CW: ANGST LIKE SERIOUSLY

Synopsis: You are the New Flower Hashira. Which comes with a lot of new feelings.

Pt 1 , PT 2 , PT4

Shinobu heard you out. Color her surprised at nearly loosing another hashira to one of their own.

She couldn't help but laugh. Not at your near death experience but...just how much she seemed to like you actually.

"My my...it is quiet a predicament. But why on earth would you tell Kyojuro to never speak with you"

You felt flustered. There were multiple reasons. Mostly the main one is because you had though Shinobu hated you. But seeing as how she seems so calm with you. Its...a little silly.

"Uhm...well, it's a little embarrassing but....I has thought you hated me. And when he practically dragged me to your infirmary i...I wasn't pleased to say the least"

She frowned a little. Her expression gentle despite her burning rage as she nodded "I understand. But I do not hate you"

"I am aware now...but even so now then, kyojuro made his decision...and I rather not talk to him for other reasons too"

There were feelings there things that you just couldn't figure out yet. But one things for sure. Kyojuro was the cause of it all, Inner turmoil ate you up.

What ever small tremor threatened to eat up your soul and you couldn't describe it as hatred. Indifference perhaps?

"...Ever since joining up with you guys there's been nothing but a nagging confusion with Kyojuro specifically" You admit finally

"and...could you elaborate?"

"I admire all of you, trust my words on that. I admire Gyomei and his strength. The ever growing compassion he seems to carry with him and the anger he seems to hide. Sanemi and Obanai i guess you can say im indifferent to but i still admire what they do...Mitsuri and i hang out so frequently i guess you can say i just. She's my best friend" You begin and watch as she pauses you with her hand

"and...Regoku?" She asks a bit tepid and like she's almost expecting a certain answer.

You bite your lip. gnawing over lips and the ever living turmoil in your mind. You never could place why you couldn't think of the word for the feelings you felt for him.

Nor do you really care for him...not like you care about everyone else and you couldn't tell why.

"I...Don't know? I obviously care for him just as a colleague but i never thought more of him? Its complicated, i don't hate him"

"But you don't like him?"

Like him? You think as you let your mind wonder just a little bit. His presence was comforting, how his voice seems to lift you up. It felt nice to have someone like that.

The world around you was very harsh and cruel you'd be a fool to say it wasn't good to have someone around like that, To lift up anyone's spirits, Its the greatest skill anyone could have.

"i " You pause again as you chew on the inside of your cheek. How can you answer? on One hand you just can't stand him but why?

And on the other....You know well in your own heart the ever beating tune of falling in love.

How exactly can you describe that feeling? Is there even a word for what you feel? Can there be a word for it?

"It's hard hmm?" Shinobu speaks breaking your inner thoughts and fighting off what negativity may fester in your mind.

"It's not...I don't think there is a word to describe the feelings or the thoughts i have on that man. Shinobu i came into this field expecting my life to stay on the same path as always. Train, save lives and survive i didn't come here to make life long relationships i knew one way or another one of us could die" You admit

Fiddling with your

"Life i guess never goes how you plan. And its Tough on my own feelings to think of something more. A future where everyone lives where we defeat muzan" You admit as you look at the wind pick up.

It Smells sickly sweet of nectar but you know more than that. "I guess im scared of admitting all i feel for the sole fact that i know the world wont let me have it"

Shinobu nod's she knows all to well its beyond mere human comprehension what she knows now. Life is frail, it can and be snatched away from anyone else. She knows.

"Yes it seems life can be unpredictable but the only way to make life a little more worth it is admit things we don't want" She interludes as she looks at you once more with that smile she always wears. but it appears genuine "You like him? A lot dont you?"

You hated being read like an open book but regardless you nodded.

You could say a lot about him how he makes you so mad sometimes. How he makes you happy when ever he doesn't know "Yeah...i suppose i do"

Shinobu nodded as the wind picks up again. The sweet smell soured by the cawing of a crow... a kasugai crow .

Both of you stand up as Kaname.....Kyojuro's crow, Dread filled your nerves. As you extended a hand and watched as he landed on your hand tears in his eyes. . .

Kyojuro Rengoku...is dead

Taglist: @kenqki

[khunyuki]

I'm very love your stories about Kaiju no 8 and I have an idea that I wonder if you could do it. English isn't my first language so I hope you could forgive me if some words I write go wrong. Imagine Kagami go on a misson with Gen and Soshiro and she's got attack by a Honju and got in a serious injured that make her almost lost her life and fall into a comatose for a few months I think, and their react about that situation. I hope you have a wonderful day!

Thank you for loving my stories!!! Also, your English is fine hehe

To be honest, your idea is actually what I planned for the main story of my series. If you've read the manga, it will take place in the second wave arc, where more numbered kaijus got introduced from 11-15! I will give you a slight spoiler for what I had in mind!

Now I am actually planning on creating a kaiju no. 16 specifically made to combat Kagami! If you've read my post OC: Uzui Kagami, it's stated there that she's inspired by Uzui Tengen from Kimetsu no Yaiba thus she knows of Total Concentration Breathing and is immune to most poisons. So to combat her, the kaiju will be inspired by Gyuutaro that works with poisons and sickle (might change the weapon but it's essentially like this)

This is just a summary for my future work which will answer your question but it goes like this...

=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=•=

Kagami is a strong woman who became a platoon leader for her skills and mostly due to her hard work. Being surrounded by people who underestimate her and kept on calling her weak has impacted the way she thinks of herself, hence she doesn't believe she's strong nor had the talent as it took an even longer time for her to be promoted. Kagami can definitely survive a honju attack as she can neutralize kaijus no matter the size with her special weapon.

To be seriously injured, a tough opponent is needed which is kaiju no. 16 who can match evenly with her, maybe even stronger. It would be a battle of endurance between them as poison immunity doesn't mean it combats all poisons. (This is heavily inspired by Uzui vs Gyuutaro okay!)

Anyways, I won't say much as it would be a major spoiler but to give you an answer, her injuries are indeed severe. Her right lung has been punctured making it hard to breathe and use TCB so she had to rely on her suit. The small and big wounds on her body contains poison which is hard to combat making her almost die (like really die). Not even medicines are working because her body is also immune to it. Medicines and poisons are two sides of the same coin.

After declaring her critical condition, Soshiro tries incredibly hard to get to her despite his own injuries. Their locations are distant to each other so he would really need help even if he overuse his suit to get there. He begged, begged for her not to sleep and to wait for him to come. She's already saying her goodbyes as all she thinks about in her last moments was him. She's sorry for she can't wait for him and told him she loves him. Soshiro is definitely ooc for he openly begs and cries for her, breaking the hearts of those listening to their convo.

Gen is also one of them. He's already accepted the fact that he'll never have a place on her heart. Especially as she's never really mentioned him during her last words. As he's the one closest to her, he was the one that took her in his arms and hurried to the base where she would get treatment faster and better than the medic on field. By then, her pulse is almost non-existent and she's getting colder by the second. He also wanted to cry and beg for her not to die but he shut his feelings up.

For miraculous reasons, she's saved but in a coma. She doesn't hear any words they're saying as she's occupied by her dream. Soshiro doesn't want to leave her side even after they defeated kaiju no. 9. For the first few days, he'd cry and not leave her side. No amount of persuasion can get him to leave. Not from his captain, his comrades, his family nor hers. It was only Narumi Gen who got to get him away from there and get him back on track.

Ever since then, he'd visit her everyday after his work that he's practically lived there now. Most medical staff told him that it might be impossible for her to wake up but none of them listens nor believes it. Soshiro has faith that Kagami will wake up for him and their promise.

For the first few days, Gen also didn't want to leave her side but gave way to Soshiro who was more broken than him. He kept most of his feelings to himself despite being crushed as well. The only time he cried was when he confronted Soshiro that make him come to his senses. Amongst all the people, he's the most in denial as he speaks to her everyday like she's just sleeping. He'd actually be the most delusional aside from Soshiro with her coma.

As in all, Gen's more or less accepted everything. The question is...

Will Kagami lose her memories or not once she wakes up? HAHAHAHA

Memory loss is not an issue but Gen can definitely try!

I'll tag you once I've made the main story okay😁🤞

[wackybuddiemewbs]

Still not done. For reasons. Wacky brian go brrrrr. Happy new season, peeps!

This Future We Choose

Part 3/???

Part 1 • Part 2

Buck knew this was going to bite him in the ass eventually. He just had hoped it would be a while longer until he’d have to face the consequences for his actions. He will blame his stupidly bruised ribs for it, but of course his research material had to slide out of his folder and sail to the ground, just as he was about to show his sister the seating table he’d prepared for the wedding.

And of course, Maddie instantly recognized what those papers were, picked them up before he could bend down himself, and gave him that look.

While everyone knows by now that him and Natalia are no longer a thing, this was the thing he’d meant to keep between himself and Eddie a while longer. But fortune continues to be anywhere but on his side.

So his time is up, as his sister’s stern look at him will tell him with utmost surety.

“What are these?” Maddie asks.

“Research?” Buck answers, tight-lipped.

“Why are you researching that?”

“Coz I wanted to?”

Maddie rolls her eyes at him. “Evan.”

“Well, what do you think?” he grumbles.

“So you… seriously consider adoption? Or fostering a child?” she asks, her tone shifting to something more serious and thus something Buck knows he will find impossible to escape from.

Buck can feel his jaw tensing up. “That’s what started it, yeah.”

It started out feeling great, actually. Buck felt the usual excitement he has bubbling up in his stomach when he finds a new field of interest and learns all about it. It felt like it was all coming together, like he was coming back together, like he was heading in all the right directions at long last.

But it doesn’t matter how you start the journey, it matters how you end it.

And Buck got the sinking feeling a while ago that this journey ended before it ever truly began.

“I had… no clue, to be honest. That this is something you were considering now. I mean, I always knew you wanted kids, but… this is much more concrete than just a general wish to want children further down the road,” Maddie mutters pensively, her eyes drifting back to the brochures.

Buck rolls his shoulders. “Well, I guess actually dying sheds some light on how short life is.”

Maddie shoots him a stern look yet again, the kind of look that makes him cringe the same way it did when he was still a kid. Buck knows he shouldn’t be joking about it as much as he still does, especially with Maddie present. But sometimes, he can’t help himself. Not because he thinks death is funny, that his death was. But, as of late, he starts to think that his death was indeed some kind of cosmic joke at his expenses.

So why shouldn’t I laugh it up, at least?

“A lot’s happened this year that made me look at what I really want in life,” Buck chooses to say instead. “And… and one thing I can say for sure is that I want to become a father.”

Maddie touches his forearm lightly. “That’s great. It really is. And I’m not… I’m just surprised, that’s all.”

“I get that. I was surprised, too,” Buck replies.

“But… why would you keep this from us, from me? This is great news!”

Buck makes a face. “Because it’s weird?”

Because it’s futile?

“You wanting kids is not weird at all. Honestly, I’m still surprised you don’t have one already. You always loved kids, so much. And you’re great with them. I mean, just look at Jee doting on you. And you sure came around a lot, so I wondered that you didn’t…,” Maddie says, her voice trailing off.

Buck nudges her lightly. “Hey, I got the talk early on in my life. And I was taught very emphatically to always use protection, always.”

“Don’t remind me,” she grunts. “Because I was the one who had to give the talk to you.”

“I appreciated the diagrams and the flash cards. Has me very sure you’re gonna put out the greatest PowerPoint presentation ever for Jee, once it’s time to talk about the birds and the bees,” Buck laughs.

“So, there’s nothing weird at all about you wanting kids. I find it weird that you’ve been keeping this to yourself for so long, though. I mean, judging by the dates on some of the printouts, you’ve been doing research for a few weeks, at least,” Maddie says, gesturing at the apparent evidence of his own failures.

“Well, once it dawned on me that this is what I wanted, I guess I just wanted to get a better understanding of what’s involved in the process before announcing my intentions,” Buck explains. Which is true enough. He figured that research would make it less scary, less daunting. While Buck is considered to be somewhat the “daredevil” on the job, he can’t say the same is true when it comes to those private matters. That’s why he actually went through the hassle to print things out, to have physical proof, to make this just a bit more real.

But in the end, none of it worked.

In the end, it’s all just fantasy and make-believe.

“But why not talk to me?” He can hear the pain there, which Buck probably should have anticipated.

“I wasn’t trying to keep this from you,” he tells her in all earnest. Sure, Buck didn’t want to talk about it, but he didn’t want to leave Maddie out of the picture in particular.

I just wanted to have something to show for it. And look at me now, winding up empty-handed yet again.

“But you did not want to tell me, even though you’re sure that this is what you want,” she argues. “I just want to understand why.”

“I… I don’t know. I felt like I needed more information before saying anything, to anyone. I just started out with the premise that I wanted to be a father, really. But how? That was a big question mark for me. It still is. So I figured that I’d want to know what to announce at least, like… I wanna foster, I wanna adopt…”

She shakes her head slowly. “That’s not why you wouldn’t say anything, though.”

And of course she is right, of course Maddie sees through it. She’s been trained at reading him since they were children. Maddie raised him, so she sees the things that Buck is always busy to hide. And while it still saddens him that his big sister had to shoulder that responsibility, Buck knows that she will keep watching out for him the same way he looks out for her.

Us against the rest of the world, right?

“If you know the answer already, then why do you keep asking?” Buck doesn’t meet her gaze, he can’t.

“Because I’d rather hear it from you,” Maddie answers.

He sighs. “Honestly? I feel like it’s a good thing I didn’t announce anything, because I feel like this isn’t going anywhere.”

Maddie blinks at him. “So you don’t want to… be a father anymore?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Then why doesn’t it go anywhere?” She frowns.

Buck did, too, frown a lot, at himself. He frowned at the reflection in the bathroom mirror, his faint outline on the computer screen. He frowned at his own thoughts, and his own feelings. Because they didn’t make sense anymore. Whatever he thought he had figured out about himself, it did not fit together. Like he found some puzzle pieces, but they come from different sets.

“Because the more I look at those brochures and papers, the more I realize that this isn’t… that’s not me,” Buck admits.

“Well, there’s other options.”

“I know.”

He researched, he looked, he tried to find something different. Only to come back to the same spot over and over again. To be stuck, all over again.

Because fortune is not my friend. Because I seemingly have to keep living in waiting mode.

“But?”

“But I don’t want any of those options,” Buck says.

“So you want to be a father… but you don’t want to go for any of the options that’d make you a father?” Maddie asks, looking rightfully confused.

And if you put it like that, it really makes absolutely no sense at all. Which seems oddly fitting. Because Buck has a tendency to want the things he knows for a fact he can’t have. His parents’ love, for who he is, and not just for who he can be to other people. The feeling of being enough, of no longer needing any software updates. A world where he’s enough to protect the people he loves from all harm there is.

And someone to love me anyway.

“I didn’t pretend like this was making any sense, so I won’t start now,” Buck grumbles. He fixes his gaze on Maddie, looking at her with pleading eyes. “Can we just pretend like this never happened?”

He is really good at that, for better or worse.

“No,” is the definitive answer from his big sister, which he knew would come.

“Pretty please with sprinkles on top?” he bargains anyway.

“Evan.”

Buck knows that when Maddie uses that tone of voice when saying his name, there is really no escape anymore. Because Maddie is one of the few people who can actually speak to Evan. The vulnerable kid who only ever cried wolf to be loved by the people who refused to see him. The kid that was willing to bleed out for just one concerned look from his mother and father.

Buck keeps Evan deep inside his chest, for precisely that reason. Because he is that fragile, that broken, inside and out. Buck is stronger than that. He has grown. He has matured. He built up enough scar tissue and callouses. His bones broke often enough, and grew together strong, so he can catch himself if he falls. And he found other people to look at him a different way, to help him back to his feet.

Perhaps foolishly, Buck still tries to protect Evan as much as he can from the outside world. Because Evan doesn’t know how to seem fine. Evan only knows how to get hurt to be seen. Evan knows how to bleed, but not how to stop the bleeding. Buck knows how to become good at bearing the pain without anyone seeing. So not to become a burden.

But he knows he can’t fool Maddie. Because she knows Evan as well as Buck. She loves them both. And she will always manage to lure Evan out of the box deep inside Buck’s chest, the way she’s always managed since they were kids. But once he is outside, Buck knows he can’t shield him, and he can’t keep him from showing all the places he aches that’d Maddie mean to kiss better.

“You want to be a father, but you don’t want to go with any of the options that might make that wish come true,” Maddie tells him. “And you can’t even look me in the eye, saying it. Why?”

Buck’s eyes drift back to the brochures and printouts still on the floor, the ones in her hand, and he can feel his chest tighten to the point that it gets hard to breathe. And it’s not because of the bruised ribs. It’s because Evan long since crawled his way out, begging to be loved anyway. And Buck can’t tell him to go back and keep waiting.

Because the time won’t come.

Because the more he looks at those brochures, the more he is reminded of the reason why he can’t get there after all. Why his hopes are yet again in vain.

“Because the more research I do, the more I realize that I don’t want any of that. Not like this, at least,” he admits at last.

It’s no use anyway.

And he can bear that pain. He will have to, for Evan and himself.

“I… still don’t understand what you mean by that,” Maddie answers faintly.

“I don’t either! I thought I finally figured it out. The great epiphany! That I wanna be a father, more than anything. And that’s still true. It’s so damn true it hurts. I want to be a father, so bad. I want a child that’s mine and that I don’t have to give to anyone else.”

Tears sting in Buck’s eyes, though that’s just about the smallest pain he feels. Even his stupid ribs don’t hurt as much as this. And it just isn’t fair. To finally know what you want, only to realize that you can’t have that. Because being aimless is one thing, but knowing you won’t ever come to the shores you call home? That’s damn well a curse.

Maddie moves into his line of vision. She places a warm hand on his back, extends her other hand to squeeze his forearm.

“Hey, hey. It’s alright,” she soothes.

“It’s actually not.”

It hasn’t been in a long time, but the fool he is, he failed to see it. Because he wanted to seem fine, because he wanted to be fine again. For everyone else and himself. So Evan would remain where he put him, protected, so Buck could get back to his feet and find a way to move forward again. To maybe find a life where Evan could come out and not bleed out from a lack of love.

“Why not? I can only repeat it, there’s plenty of options to fulfill your dream,” Maddie tries to reassure him.

“There really isn’t. And that’s what makes this so damn stupid.” Tears now roll freely down his cheeks. Buck wipes at them angrily, relishes the small burn that comes with rubbing skin against skin.

“Why?”

“Because I know I want to be a father, but I… I want to be a father to a child I know I can’t be a father to,” Buck whimpers, almost choking on those truths that should have no business burning so much down his throat.

“You mean Connor’s and Kameron’s…,” Maddie mutters, but Buck interjects rather harshly, “No.”

Oh, and how he wished that was true. Because that would be easy. Anyone would understand, everyone assumes anyway. Buck wished it was that easy, but this situation only made him realize what he wanted, and just like he had to give over that child, he had to realize that he couldn’t ever get to where he wants to be.

“What child, then, if not their son?”

“Eddie’s son. Christopher.”

He pinches the bridge of his nose.

Biggest fuckin’ joke of my life.

“Christopher.”

“Yeah,” Buck croaks.

Christopher, always Christopher. In every brochure, every stock image, he saw that little guy with his dorky smile and glasses, heard his giggling, felt the way only that little guy could hug him. The boy he thought he had to give up on, knows he has to learn to let go, to be what he wants to be: A father.

Buck swallows thickly. “You know, I’ve tried to put some distance between us, lately. Between Eddie, Chris, and I. To, to figure this father thing out. Because I felt like I was… like I was using them, to have the second-best thing to being a father. But I… I miss them so damn much.”

Maddie keeps rubbing circles on his back, just as she’d done when they were both still kids and he could not be consoled after their parents looked right through him yet again.

“I… I keep seeing Christopher every time I turn the page in one of those stupid brochures. I don’t just want to have a kid that’s mine. I want that one specific kid to be mine. Even though I know he ain’t, even though I know he won’t ever be,” Buck cries, no longer able to hold it in, to contain it.

The love he can’t express, he pours it right out, like bad blood, but it just keeps on coming and coming and coming.

He might be what Eddie would want for his son, should something happen to him, but Buck isn’t that outside that scenario. So long there’s Eddie, and God knows he will make sure of it, he won’t be that for Christopher. He can’t be that for Christopher.

In the end, always the backup plan, isn’t it?

“Christopher loves you,” Maddie argues.

“But not as his dad, never as that. Because I’m not his father. Even in the event that something should happen to Eddie, and I’d take care of him… he wouldn’t be mine, not really. Inside my heart, yes, but… never outside it.”

Bobby once told Chimney that having a child is like having a heart outside of yourself. But Buck know he can’t have that, that he won’t ever get there. He can only treasure that child inside his heart, so no one can see just how much he loves that kid. Because the love he feels for him, he knows he is not entitled to.

I won’t ever be enough to them to be entitled to it. Because that isn’t my place. Not really. More than a guest, but only ever temporary. Never forever.

“Eddie would let me, that’s not the thing. But… but I can’t go on pretending, in my heart, that… that we are a family, in that sense,” Buck whimpers.

“Eddie considers you family.”

“Yeah, but not in the way I’d want him to consider me.”

Which is the icing on top of that shit sundae.

“What?”

“Forget it,” Buck replies quickly.

Because he doesn’t know how much more he can take. Because everything hurts, hurts more than his stupid ribs, more than his stinging eyes, or his inflamed cheeks. And Buck doesn’t want any more pain. He doesn’t want any more pain for Evan who is outside his little box right now, for that part of him to come to the realization that there is yet another thing they failed at.

“No, tell me, please,” Maddie begs. “I want to help.”

“I just know that this is nothing you can help me with,” Buck whispers. “Even though you’re my big sister and I grew up thinking you’re my personal superhero. But this… you can’t fix. And I think I can’t either.”

Maddie takes a deep breath, considers his words, then searches his eyes again. “Alright, then maybe I can’t fix this. But I… I know for a fact that not talking about things that hurt us, scare us, terrify us… those darkest spots in our lives… that’s even worse. And I won’t have my little brother repeat the mistakes I’ve made.”

“You didn’t…”

“It doesn’t matter,” she interjects sternly. “What I’m trying to say is that I don’t want you to keep pretending like all is fine. Like you have to keep something from me, or anyone else. You can always tell me these things. Always. Even if you may actually want to say them to someone else, you can always say them to me first. I don’t pretend to have the answers, but I can listen. And I always will, Evan. But I need to hear it from you.”

Buck looks at his sister for a long moment. He thinks about how far she’s come, how much she’s overcome. And how glad he is that she finally gets some of the pay off for the years of sacrifice. In the end, Maddie is still his personal superhero, not because she is invincible, but because she wears her scars and comes out stronger every time. Because like him, she never gives up, or even if she almost did, she fought her way back.

He takes a deep breath, then another. Maddie is right, he should say those things to someone else. But the person he’d normally go to for this? He can’t say. Buck screws his eyes shut, trying to forget all that, if only for a moment.

“Losing something can sure make you realize how much you loved it, even if you knew you loved it all along. I remember reading that, when I was still recuperating after the lightning strike.”

Buck read a lot, while at the hospital. Not just self-help books. When he stumbled over that quote, he had some sense of how that rang true for him. He just couldn’t put his finger on it, not really. Then his life took one sharp turn after the other, with Kameron and Connor and the baby, with Natalia.

The book fell back into his hands when she got the last of her things. And when he flipped to that page, it felt like lighting was striking through him again. Because he was right back in his coma dream, and it was glaring at him, laughing at him.

Who wasn’t there? Who was the one person who’s so close to you you didn’t see? Who, hm?

“I’m not following,” Maddie mutters, blinking at him.

“The more distance I put myself between myself and Eddie and Christopher, the more I realized just how alone I feel when I don’t have them near me,” Buck says.

“As I said, they love you, too.”

“And I love them, God, I love them. But I can’t love them like I wanna love them. And that fuckin’ hurts.”

Buck loved before. He knows what heartbreak feels like. But he never loved like this, and at some point, he wished he never found out that he could love like this. Because it’s a kind of love that burns even worse than the one he still feels for his parents. Even though they can’t love him back. Even though they made him walk through fire every day of his life. Because it’s the kind of fire he will keep walking into, against better judgment. Because he could learn to live without his parents, but he can’t learn to be without them.

“I can’t love Christopher like a father. And I can’t love Eddie like a partner. I can’t love them as my family I go home to every single night. I can’t love them like I do, and it sucks, and it hurts, and I just want it to stop.”

“P, partner?” Maddie stammers, still taking that in.

“Yeah, that’s about the face I made when it dawned on me,” Buck huffs bitterly. “I mean, in true Buck fashion, I kept missing all the signs. It’s always been there, and I… not even all of those epiphanies I feel I had in my coma dream prepared me for that one. Eddie wasn’t in it, in that dream, not really. Though that’s probably the great message, and I waltzed right past it.”

That his heart wasn’t in it, literally. That his heart wasn’t in that supposedly perfect life. The man who let him into his own, wasn’t there. The man who’d given his heart over to him, telling him that he is not expendable. The world that was without Eddie was the one without Christopher. And that world may have had his parents loving him in it, may have had Daniel alive, but it didn’t have them. And how can such a world ever be any good?

Buck has been wrecking his brain about it. Ever since he broke up with Natalia, he felt like he was finally gaining perspective. Only for the light to switch and put Eddie and Christopher in the spotlight. At first, he liked to think that they were simply his measure to go by. Because Buck wants to be a dad like Eddie, loving, caring, kind. And he wants a kid just like Christopher. So that seemed straightforward enough. Until it became even more twisted. Because the harder he looked, the more he realized they weren’t just the model Buck was going by, they were it. Both of them. Not just Christopher. But Eddie.

Always Eddie.

Buck can’t say he thought about Eddie as someone he wanted to be with, romantically. Sure, an attractive guy, always. Someone Buck could unashamedly say he learned to love dearly. But he can’t say he longed for him the way he is doing it now. Or rather, he now sees all of those signs he missed, all the chances he missed. The things he didn’t see, because he looked at Eddie through the lens of friendship, of what it was, and not what it could be. Because Buck didn’t even dare to think outside that box. Despite his bravado, he was not brave enough. He liked not being a guest in Eddie’s house. And he was fine with that, just that.

I never thought I could be more than that.

But Buck grew, and he’s coming to terms with it that he gets to want more, be more. He took a step back and saw more than he used to. But once you start to think outside the box, you can’t go back to its confined space. You can’t go back to only just. Once you open your heart to wanting more, it won’t be satisfied with the lesser.

How can I be enough, if I am not enough to have them?

So now, he’s left with longing and missing again. He wants the things he can’t have. And Buck won’t jeopardize the happiness either Eddie or Christopher or Marisol have found together. He won’t be that person. He can’t sink that low. Even if that means he is back to greedily stuffing the crumbs of life with Eddie and Christopher into his mouth, like a guy who’s been left out in the desert for weeks without a single thing to eat.

So maybe he’s good enough for Eddie and Christopher, to be a part of their family. But he won’t be that part of the family. Maybe Marisol will fill that seat. Maybe it’s going to be someone who’s not even in Eddie’s life yet. But no matter what, this person won’t be him.

So what is he even doing, researching ways to have a child, to be a father? How could it be fair to that child? When, in the back of his head, he’d always wind a string around the mere image of Eddie and Christopher as part of the family he might build?

“I’m still wrapping my head around you being into guys. But then again, I never tried too hard to look at that as your sister,” Maddie says, shaking her head wide-eyed.

“I never dated guys, I just got down dirty with them.” Buck shrugs.

He never made it a secret, but he didn’t make it explicit either.

Except for when I told them about my track record in dating yoga instructors. Because those definitely weren’t all ladies…

Buck never had a serious relationship with guys. He just fooled around with them. And especially in the beginning, it may well be that he liked things a bit too rough. Which should show that he belonged in therapy since a young age, because no, that was surely not healthy at all.

“Yeah, no, I don’t need to know that. At all. Ever.” Maddie screws her eyes shut.

“I figured.”

Buck never cared for a label to put on that, he still doesn’t. Had anyone asked him back in the day, he would have said that he’s simply not picky. Today he can safely say that he is extremely picky, to the point that he reduced his entire happiness to two people, to the point that he can’t look at anyone else the way he looks at Eddie these days.

“Alright, I’m… I’m sorry, that caught me off-guard a bit. But… but in all seriousness now, yes?” Maddie goes on to say.

He blinks at her. “Yeah?”

“There’s nothing wrong with realizing that you love people, or that you’ve fallen in love with someone, even if it’s your best friend,” she tells him.

“But there’s something wrong with wanting to say it, to make them love you back in kind, when you know you really shouldn’t,” Buck argues. “Even if it’s your best friend.”

Or precisely because he is.

“We all just want to be loved in the end. And I know for a fact that you love big. But it’s not wrong to want to be loved back in kind,” Maddie points out.

“It’s wrong to want that, knowing where Eddie stands in life right now. Knowing…” He doesn’t have to finish for Maddie to understand where he is going with this.

“People break up, you know,” she offers, which only ever has him snort. “Like I’m going to hinge my hopes on him breaking up with Marisol.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“The problem is that Eddie loves me, but only as a friend. And even if he broke up with Marisol tomorrow… he won’t ever look at me any other way than that. And I can’t unsee what I’ve seen. I can’t look at him any other way than… this. And… and I feel like I’m losing them because of that. Because if I keep getting too close, I will… I will fuck it up, I know I will. Because I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I… this will come out eventually. And I will make a mess of everything. And I… I can’t do that.”

Fresh tears well up in his eyes.

Sure, he wants more. Sure, he wants to feel like he is enough. He tries to get there. But he knows he can’t have Eddie and Christopher, no matter how hard he tries. Not like this, at least. Because this is not about his worth or lack thereof. It’s just now how they see him. But what he can afford even less than this pain is the thought to lose the ways he has them.

He’d rather be less to them than nothing at all.

“But I also can’t keep away from them,” he continues, almost choking on the words. “I just… I don’t know what to do. I just know it hurts, no matter what I do. And I want it to stop, but it just doesn’t.”

Maddie pulls him into a hug, trying to cover up as much of him as she can, despite their difference in size. Buck sinks against her, tries to soak up her warmth to cast out the cold dread of being back where he began, only to remain stuck there.

Because there is no longer a world for him he can escape to, where he isn’t in love with Eddie, where he doesn’t want Christopher to be his son, where he doesn’t want them to be his family. It vanished, slipped through his fingertips.

“Oh, Evan.”

Buck used to think that Maddie’s hugs would always heal him. He still wants to believe that, but he can’t trust it. Because Evan is out there, and he looks back at him, begging to know why they can’t be loved anyway.

And Buck has no answer to that.

And he fears he never will.

[aching-tummies]

Citrus Latte

(In terrible 90's commercial cheese-y announcer) Back, for a limited time!

Jokes aside, I've been slowly getting settled into my new life. I won't go into details but my non-min-wage part-time job kind of got the ball rolling on me furthering my education to maybe get certified to do more work in that field, eventually. I've still got the min-wage food job and I'm attending courses as an in-person student for part of the week. Basically, I signed my life away for the foreseeable future, committed to having no days off unless it is a government-mandated holiday where the post-secondary institution is required to be closed and neither one of my jobs calls me in for such a day.

Trying to get used to my new life has taken a few weeks and it's been a grueling few weeks. Lots of nodding off in classes or in transit, napping between classes or trying not to fall asleep at my food-job. Trying (and failing) to go to bed earlier and try to be asleep before midnight. All that jazz.

Sleep is out of whack so I've been surviving on coffee. Doing my best to brew at home because prices on campus make me think that it isn't tuition or lack of working hours driving the 'broke student' trope. Seriously, a slice of pizza and a fountain drink together go for more than the standard minimum-wage on-campus. I refuse to support that kind of gouging so I've been committing to staying up until 2AM meal-prepping to ensure I can grab and go at 4AM to catch the first buses heading to my campus. No, my classes are not that early. But transit in my area leaves much to be desired and when the bus is scheduled to show up once every hour--and often skips two or three buses, a frazzled student's gotta do what they gotta do.

Today was one such day where I was running on coffee and panic. I'd forgotten to get my coffee stuff laid out for me to easily use in the morning so I scrambled to make anything that would be my sweet-treat drink of the day and settled on powdered iced-tea mix. It's got sugar and a bit of caffeine so I was hoping that it'd do the job. 4AM, off to catch a bus that may or may not show up.

By around 3PM I was flagging after having basically chugged the iced-tea in hopes the sugar would revitalize me. When I nodded off in my class I knew I had to take drastic action, so I ran down to the nearest coffee shop and committed to paying way-too-much for a hit of the good stuff. I got some Caramel Latte concoction or something and it was divine. I went and attended my last class of the day while trying to ration that precious water of awakefulness.

Our last class decided to let out early so we wound up being done around 5PM. I had plans to rush home, deal with what I had to deal with, and maybe hit sleep-ville by 8PM.

As I was packing up my school stuff, classmates kept on approaching me. Some to chat casually. Others to ask me for help proof-reading their assignments or to ask about a specific section of the lecture that they couldn't hear very well and were hoping to compare notes with mine (I'm considered a keener and open about trying to help everyone pass the course so people approach me often). While I normally don't mind this kind of interaction 'cuz the more of us that pass, the less I have to worry about making friends in future semesters…today just wasn't my day.

For those that do not know what a Latte is…here it's basically a shot of espresso with the rest of the cup filled with milk. A shot is not a lot of liquid so probably only 1/8th of my cup was coffee and caramel and the rest was all milk.

Milk normally doesn't play nice with my guts anyway, but today the milk had trickled into a system completely saturated with lemon-y, sugary tea. My guts were cramping and twisting like an angry viper for the last 10 minutes of class and I was in a hurry trying to pack up my things to beat a hasty retreat before my stomach decided to void itself by any means necessary.

I stayed behind to chat with a few classmates, not wanting to be rude, but the second all my stuff was in my bag I basically booked it out of the room and down the stairs.

My stomach hurt so, so, so, so bad!

I nearly tumbled down four levels of stairs because my stomach hurt so bad and I just wanted to curl up and rub it…or rip it all out to get rid of the problem completely. Plans to rush home were immediately dashed and I bolted in the hopes of finding a less busy washroom.

I had started the day out on an upset stomach. Stress, lack of sleep--etc. In the morning, I'd had the sense to find a washroom hidden in a corner of campus that had no classrooms (just an out-of-use office) so that washroom basically experienced zero traffic and likely only ever saw single-digit visitors throughout the course of an entire day. I got to use it in peace in the morning.

Unfortunately for me, my last class of the day was diagonally opposite that secluded washroom and my cramping tummy was making it very clear that it would not let me clear campus. I ended up rushing into one of the more busy washrooms and doing my business there. I definitely stayed there longer than I needed to just to wait for a lull when the washroom would be empty so that I could beat an exit without anyone giving me weird looks.

I ended up getting home maybe an hour and a half later than I'd planned because transferring on transit amplifies wait-times. Being 10 minutes late to the first bus you take snowballs into having to wait another 40-50 minutes for the next one, which snowballs into waiting 20 minutes for the next transfer, which snowballs into 20-40 minutes for the last transfer--and that's my route to and from campus…so…like…being in the washroom for an extra 10 minutes has a domino effect on timing.

I'm home now. Luckily, my stomach didn't embarrass me on the ride home. I got home, rushed around my place trying to get things in order. I've let laundry pile up for three weeks, haven't put away my socks or whatevers, and needed to sort out clean from dirties and figure out which items had to be hand-washed and air-dried. Once I got all those stressors out of the way and finally allowed myself to sit down, I finally had the mental capacity to pay attention to my body. My stomach is hurting again.

Send me your best responses? My stomach's been upset all day and chugging lemon-tea and following that up with a latte that most definitely curdled going through my citrus-y guts has done it zero favors. Any ideas on what to do to the mess that is my achy tummy?

[anunusers]

Hiya love!!

Saw your post and though I would ask! 😁

Can I ask all of them? 1-36 lmao

Last question is: what's your biggest fear?

Love u, byeeeeee🩷

OMG this made me so happy!!!!! I'm a nobody and you want to know about me?!?!? 😭means the world to me!!!❤️I love you !!!!!

I did try to answer all of the questions and I thought I posted it but I am new with posting so please forgive me! Also, I'm an over sharer so I'm sorry in advance for that too!

What is your nickname?

Lately, my colleagues have been calling me Jay. Other times I'm Jen or Jenni.

When is your birthday?

4/3 :)

What was your longest relationship?

I've only been in one serious relationship and those were the hardest 4 years of my lifeeeee! Seriously, barely made out alive. 😮‍💨

What is your favorite book?

I have so mannnnyyy! It's so hard to pick one but I'll share a few that actually caught my attention and still have resonated with me:

A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman

Anxious People by Fredrik Backman

Tony and Susan by Austin Wright

It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover

I'm thinking of ending things by Iain Reid

I honestly have so many more, but these are the ones I have read recently and absolutely loved. Also, Fredrik Backman is currently my fav author so I definitely recommend checking him out !

What is something you're insecure about?

My appearance for sure. I don't feel confident in my looks whatsoever haha. I feel like I am fugly most of the time but that just what has been embedded in my brain since I was younger. Also, I've recently have gotten insecure with my voice. Which is so random but I kind of hate my voice LOL.

5 Male celebrity crushes

Jake Gyllenhaal (obvy LOL), Pedro Pescal, Jaime Camil, Tenoch Huerta, Aaron Taylor-Johnson. I honestly have many more and they are all from Novelas. That is all I grew up watching with my mom hehe.

5 Female celebrity crushes

Elizabeth Olsen, Emma D'arcy, Scarlett Johanssan, Ana de Armas, Anne Hathaway and again, I am many many moorreee.

What is your dream job?

I always wanted to do something in music or theatre. A singer or actor. I was a huge choir nerd in high school. I even did piano lessons for a few years. On my last year of high school, I ended up doing theatre and it was so much fun! I did plays and that experience really made me love theatre. Maybe one day in the future... 🙏

What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?

I haven't accomplished much in life to be honest so I don't know what I would consider an accomplishment. Maybe being able to learn different professions throughout the years. I am a Certified Patient Care Tech and all though I am not even that work field anymore, I still very much enjoyed learning about the healthcare process and what different titles mean when it comes to taking care of patient and getting the help that they need.

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe?

I have no clueeeeeeeee......maybe that I'm from MX ?? LOL My accent is completely gone now from the 12 years that I've lived in the States. Which is so sad cause not only do I suck at speaking English, my Spanish is going down hill too.. I'm slowly turning into a sabo kid!! 😭😭

What were your highs and lows for this last month?

Lately, my lows have been just feeling very lost and out of place. I feel like I should be at a certain point in my life but I am so far from reaching it or maybe I won't ever come close but yeah, its a very crappy feeling. My high this month is definitely receiving this ask from you. Made my day 100% better! ❤️

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit?

I have sooooooo many places I would like to visit!!! In States, I would love to visit New York, Florida for Universal Studios and World Disney. Out of States, I would love to visit Sweden, Italy, Japan, South Korea.

How do you de-stress?

I nap like my life depends on it. I'm stressed, NAP. Upset, NAP. Happy, NAP. Sad, Nap. I could rot happily in my bed if I could get paid for it.

What are your favorite apps besides tumblr?

I honestly only mainly use Tumblr and Tiktok LOL they control my life right now. I don't think I use any other apps. Maybe Amazon and Barnes & Nobles 😁

Describe yourself in one sentence.

Lover girl in a world where love no longer exists. 🫠

What do you think makes you attractive?

I don't know actually... I would like to say my personality perhaps? I think I'm pretty cool I think I'm quite hilarious actually haha. I had someone once say that my eyes and smile was the most attractive thing about me, but I think the opposite.

What is something you're really good at?

Procrastinating. I procrastinate so good that when the deadline of something is like 5 minutes away, I overwork and stress myself out so bad that my work just comes out beautifully. I work amazing under extreme and stressful situations. Not healthy at all so please don't try!!!!

What is something you're really bad at?

Math. Which is funny because I was doing accountant work for a Retail store as my first job and I was amazing. Maybe it was the power I felt while holding thousands of dollars a night while making minimum wage 🥲LOL

A time that you told a lie.

I never lie, I speak my truth all the time but while I was in my first serious relationship, I lied ALOT about being okay and happy. It was such unhealthy relationship for me and I wanted to keep the peace at all times that I lied a lot to my family. Trust me when I say, even if they are older, does not mean they are mature. Learned that the hard way.

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know?

Our brain doesn't know our eyeballs exist and if they did know, they would attack them. You can permanently go blind if our brain was like, "wait a min, where did they come from??" Freaking GNARLY!

Who knows you the best?

My mommy ❤️

What is your most prized possession?

I am in LOVE with V for Vendetta. From the moment I saw it back when my dad would let us rent random movies from Blockbusters, I just love it. I read the comics and love the theatrics of how V is and how beautifully he was portrayed by Hugh Weaving. I ended up buying a screenplay book that contains the directors notes and small changes that were made that didn't make it to the movie and that is my most prized possession. Definitely fueled my love for acting and everything that comes from just being able to shoot a movie.

What is your longest friendship?

9 years but unfortunately, life drifted us apart :(

When did you first feel like an adult?

When I did my taxes for the first time. I was not ready to adult, and I still can't adult correctly but surviving!

Do you/ Have you played any sports?

Yes, volleyball!!!! My family used to play it all time when we lived in MX. I turn into a competitive monster.

How are you feeling right now?

Tired and hungry. I've been surviving on Moster Energy drinks these last few days.

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

I'm honestly neither. I used to be able to stay up all night but now, I can barely wake up early and can barely stay awake lol I'm old now.

Do you believe in love at first sight?

I do, I'm a hopeless romantic.

Favorite song lyrics right now?

I've been listening to sad songs lately. Currently have I Can't Make You Love Me by Bon Iver on a constant loop. "I'll close my eyes, then I won't see. The love you don't feel when you're holding me. Morning will come and I'll do what's right. Give me 'til then to give up this fight." UGH gets me every time! 😭

What does self care look like for you?

Honestly, a nice hot bath in a candle lit bathroom, bright enough to be able to read a book and because I love in AZ, thunderstorm sounds in the background. My definition of self care ❤️

Describe yourself with 3 singers.

This is on hard! I don't know. Ummmmmm can I say 3 of my favorite singers? Amy Lee from Evanescence, RAYE, and Beyonce.

What makes you nervous?

Knowing that we have only explore 5% of the ocean and ocean nearly takes 70% of our planet. Not sure what phobia that is but thinking about that makes me nervous. Also meeting new people. I'm very shy so I get super nervous and anxious.

What’s a pet peeve you have?

When I am with someone and I am sharing something or just telling them something and they are on their phone, not listening at all. Then they have the audacity to say, "Huh?" Like no thank you. The excitement is over and now I'm hurt. 🥲

What will always make you cry?

Thinking about my life. Kidding! I am a huge crybaby so it doesn't take much to make me cry. Show me a sad video, I'll cry a river.

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people?

I don't know, I smile a lot so maybe they form some kind of opinion based on that. I hope it's all good first impressions though. 😊

Special Question: What's your biggest fear?

I have a lot of fears and some may seem so little. I am afraid of never being able to accomplish or become the person I dreamt of being. I'm afraid that I will never get back on track with how I envisioned I would be right now at 24. It's dumb little things that scare me. Never finding love and having a family of my own or not being able to be fully happy. Sometimes it feels like something is missing and maybe that's why I have been feeling lost lately. Those are biggest fears.

THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN!!! I really enjoyed answering these questions and would totally love to see you answering them too!!!!!! Love you!!!❤️❤️❤️

[redbelles]

twenty questions for fic writers

tagged by: the wonderful @carry-the-sky 💖

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

51

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

245,595

3. what fandoms do you write for?

i don't ever really abandon old fandoms, but so far 2024 has been all berserk (nothing posted yet, unforch) and masters of the air

4. top five fics by kudos

like a heartbeat drives you mad

the dreadful need in the devotee

and my body found the wind

stuck in colder weather

all the love you need

5. do you respond to comments?

yes! it may take me a hundred million years, but i appreciate each and every comment i get, and i often go back to them for a little jolt of "hey, people actually like your writing!" motivation when i'm stuck

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

lmao uh. known angst goblin meg redbelles here, but i honestly didn't have to do much work to the canon endings of robert baratheon (the clouds will form a crown) or judas iscariot (in the violence of our dreams) to make them even more horrifically angsty, so. one of those, probably!

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i don't tend to go for out and out happy endings—i prefer bittersweet—but i feel like the answer is either the mercy wheel, which fixes dany’s gabarge season eight character arc, or tongue’s talkin’ riddles (sticky sweet), which gives chrissy and eddie a mostly happy future together instead of horrible deaths in deeply cursed hawkins

and! for what it's worth! the chimneys hardly ever fall down is going to end on a happy note! they're just going to have to Suffer a lot to get there! it's fine!

8. do you get hate on fics?

nope

9. do you write smut?

me, currently 3k into a m/m/f threesome scene:

10. craziest crossover:

i enjoy spitballing about crossovers, but i doubt very seriously that i'll ever write one

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i'm aware of, no

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

i've had offers before, but i've declined every time; they all wanted to host the translations outside of AO3, which is not something i'm comfortable with

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

yep! keep calling me home is a really fun little round robin fic i wrote with three other authors a couple years ago

14. all time favorite ship?

i can't read suddenly.gif

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

shUT UP!!!!! I'M GONNA FINISH ALL MY WIPS!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

16. what are your writing strengths?

imagery, emotion, themes, dialogue

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

plot? never heard of her. also, i feel like i still suck at writing humor

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language?

to crib from a previous answer: unless you speak the language, it gets real dicey real fast. i personally avoid it unless a) it’s a canonical term/phrase, like all the faux-russian bullshit in the grisha trilogy, or b) i can check the grammar/usage with a native speaker or someone who is solidly fluent

19. first fandom you wrote in?

[redacted] way back ages ago on [redacted]

20. favorite fic you've written?

recency bias talking here, but i am so, so, so fond of the chimneys hardly ever fall down; i challenged myself to write the first chapter as one continuous scene (i feel like i sometimes abuse scene breaks to heighten tension), and honestly i think i nailed it. also, this sequence:

Maybe he is drunk. That would make sense. He’s going to wake up and find himself alone at the bottom of a bottle. Back in the cold blue, Fort shot to shit and tumbling from the sky like a wounded bird, trailing fire and screaming as she falls. Maybe he won’t wake up at all— maybe he’s dead in a potato field, a ghost who never made it back in the first place. His heart can’t fucking take it.

like, i'm sorry, but that's brutal! and i am so proud of it!

tagging: @sluttyhenley @littlelindentree @oatflatwhite @meyerlansky @ladywaffles

@charmtion @anthropologicalhands @jacyevans @thatworldinverted @thatgirlnevershutsup

and anyone elso who wants a go ✨

[soccerpunching]

headcanons about tachimukai during ie go? its always good to see your posts on my timeline!!

WAAAHHHH OH MY GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH!! And of course, I love him sm and I have a lot!!

I'm also adding this picture here because i really love how soft Shinsuke remembers Tachimukai, makes me emotional. He genuinely wants to help him. (I'll keep using this picture forever, methinks)

(some of these are during the 10-year timeskip; putting it under the cut)

Headcanons:

Almost everybody comments on how is it possible to have one of the most vicious goalkeeper in existence be so polite in interviews. He's so loved by people across Japan and has a really strong fanbase. And it's bcs he looks so focused and vicious in the field that most ppl cant recognized him outside of it (like how Shinsuke didnt).

Much like Kazemaru, Fubuki, Gouenji, and Kabeyama, he's also one of the few from the cast who stayed in Japan soccer leagues. All of the teams he belonged in lost the least goals in the leagues they've joined!! He's a monster goalkeeper in their eyes! (Another reason why Shinsuke didnt recognize him is bcs he doesnt believe someone as legendary as tachimukai would casually teach a goalkeeper-beginner like him.)

I genuinely think he's good at studying and has good grades in IT-related subjects and is above average in most sciences, he just chose to not go to college. He did go to a vocational school as a backup plan. In case he gets severly injured or sumthn since goalkeepers are known to retire for injuries more than the field players.

More than anything, he wants to teach goalkeeping so he has that as a consideration for his future also. He's still thinking abt in what way can he accomplish this but that time with Shinsuke did make him realize that it's something he wants to do. But maybe not right now, he thinks he needs more experience!

He gets tons of modeling offers that he keeps on declining bcs it's never been his interest. He once jokingly told Tsunami that maybe he should try it after his retirement, he didnt realize Tsunami took it seriously and he's very excited for this modeling career (Tsunami is in fact considering modeling too bcs of that joke)

He makes a lot of effort to stay connected with old friends and likes traveling a lot even if it takes time! He likes taking the scenic route too and just takes life slowly.

Some of the things he does when the league season is over are riding sleeper trains and hotel-buses!! (It's so cool that japan has those!!) Sometimes with friends or family, but he also likes going alone and making conversations with people (who most often does not recognize him at all).

He's timid as an adult still but he overcomes this by telling himself that being with people is part of the great experience of life however corny that sounds. It's one of the things he learned from being with the cast who gave him the courage to step out of his comfort zone.

Speaking of his traveling! His inagram is full of traveling pictures!! And all the food he gets to eat! He also travels outside the country and taste as many spicy food as he can. He's famous in inagram actually even if he barely has any pictures with his face in them but he's really cool with it.

He is also demiromantic ace in my heart <3

He casually enjoys surfing too (in the drama cd, he asked if tsunami can teach him how to surf to which i think he enjoyed) and competitively with tsunami (bcs tsunami makes everything a contest)

He goes trekking, mountain climbing, and skydiving with his old pals from Yokato a lot.

He goes to camping trips with the first year gang too (kabeyama, kurimatsu, kogure, haruna and they also invite shourin, shishido!!). Kogure plans these trips.

I have some more that's in my hissatsu techniques hc of him regarding how he is in the field but that's yet to be posted (bcs descriptions are so hard 😣). These are the ones that I can remember outside of that for now!

And really thank you for the ask, they really motivate me to share them!!