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i'm having a bit of a username crisis right now so this a PSA so my mutuals recognize me 😭 used to be @/king-spite, now i'm @/godscursedd ! (for now🫠)
#i've had that username for like YEARS idk why it's suddenly starting to sound bland :(#maybe it's just a phase and i'll go back to king spite soon enough. i hope :|#another possible username i was thinking of was raceofcain. yknow. referencing Baudelaire's poem (Abel et Caïn)#but the thing is idk if i want my username to be red queen related or instead related to something else/personal stuff#(godscursed is supposed to come from that one rq quote btw. the ''Not a god's chosen but a god's cursed'' one)#IDK this kind of thing stresses me out sm#and it happens every couple months too#god help me i am not one of your most decisive soldiers#also. don't mind the x at the end. the username ''godscursed'' was already taken. so :|#📎#update: changed the final x to a d cause i was reading it too every time i saw my username and it was starting to bother me
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is 6 months too big a wait between tattoo sessions. would it be better to just wait to start later
#context: will soon be out of the country for 6 months#if i like. eg were able to get an appt next week (unlikely) and every session was 2 weeks thereafter#then Maybe i could get it done before i leave. but i can't rely on that#i think it'd be more likely to get 2 done At Most when it'll take at least 4#would it be better to just wait until I'm back.........#i feel like a couple months wait between would be normal#but six months......... sounds like too much 😭#ok wait thinking back on it a half sleeve in 1.5 months is batshit. no way that's happening#so yea it really comes down to IS 6 months too long a wait between
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The hands holding yours are not clean either.
VegasPete + Hands || KinnPorsche (2022)
#Disclaimer: I have very complicated feelings about this show and this couple after everything that's happened over the past month#I actually started these in late december for a friends birthday but the colouring ended up so complicated I didnt get it done#and while I'm still untangling how I feel about the fandom and fan culture and the whole situation (tldr: bad sad parasocially betrayed lol#I was so proud of these for my 3rd ever gifset the absolutely insane amount of time I spent on the colouring and masking against shaky shot#like I genuinely had to keyframe adjust about 8 different overlapping layers frame-by-frame for at least 1 of these lol#and perhaps selfishly: I need to post bc I can't bring myself to work on new sets while this was staring back at me every time i opened PS#And I'm proud of it and it meant a lot and even though the shape of the fandom and friendships have changed its still worth something to me#anyway. enough rambling. on to the actual tags lol#VegasPete#kinnporche the series#vegas theerapanyakul#pete saengtham#asiandramasource#asianlgbtqdramas#lgbtedit#vegas kp#pete kp#idk idk idk I feel like this is my one last little love letter to these silly little characters that meant a lot to me#and to the friends that inspired it too#on a lighter note: the caption is an adapted taemin lyric and the colours were inspired by the criminal MV lmao#so like lol its not that deep :')#aaaand post.#bee.gif#kpts
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oversharing in the tags time :)
#i think it’s time i go back to therapy#i keep having recurring nightmares about my ex best friend#or dreams where she reaches out to me. and explains why she cut me out#backstory. in high school had a lesbian toxic situationship with my#bestie. THEN i had another one. which kinda overlapped? the first one was open but also just messy#anyways. jade and i were like together for a year. then she got a boyfriend one day and i had a breakdown#it happened just after high school and i was sooooo … unwell. wasn’t out to my family felt like i was gonna die etc etc#(this is all pre dnp btw) anyways next year i found dnp. a couple months later she broke up with her bf#and we sorted dated for a while (this whole time we’d been just friends and i was still not really over it but hiding it)#and then she dated ANOTHER guy. they broke up and she had a breakdown and moved 9 hours away. i went#to visit her for a month. we like kinda dated again then and i thought we could make it work. then 2020. no travel#so she started dating a guy. didn’t tell me. even though we spoke every day. she moved in with him#then she breaks up with him mid 2021. i started dating my gf. but Jade was clingy and it was awkward#she started dating a sketchy guy who was homophobic. i went and visited her a few times#start of 2023 she tells me she wants to make more of an effort cause he didn’t like her friends so she cut everyone out. then she ghosted#in feb 2023. we had tickets for#mcr in march. i had to text her cause she’d blocked me on messenger and said im going to the concert whether she’s there or not#she said ‘yeah no worries! you can take someone else in my place too 😎’ she used that fucking emoji#and I haven’t spoken to her since. I think she quit her job . and that guy was not a nice man#so I still worry about her#writing this all down makes me realise she was a bitch and I deserve better#but I just want closure. it isn’t fair she replied so casually to my text when I said ‘you’ve blocked me’#it isn’t fair she HAS MY SIGNED COPY OF DANS BOOK#anyways. I need therapy to get over this#and I haven’t even written about my family issues (im#out and they’re supportive but my god they fucked me#up as a kid)#if you read this hi 👋 hope you are having a lovely day#don’t get in lesbian situationships!!!
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whys everyone on twitter calling selfshipping 'yumeshipping' did i miss something. whats going on.
#.wakas#also how come every couple of months white people always use like japanese terms to represent their activities. am i thinking too deeply?#am i being 'too woke' and its rlly not that deep?#but anyways..#what happened. what shifted here
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never beating the developing crushes on friends allegations part 2: return of jafaar
#sage's diary#019#2/10/2025#crazy how ive been doing these for ~4 months now#time flies when youre going through it i guess#anyways this shit. again#what else is new#its the same cycle every couple months i shouldnt be surprised atp#i just. AUGH my god dude#hes so cute i wanna say something sooooo fuckign bad but its not the right time#theres too many other conflicting things happening#it would just add to all of that i think. and make things worse#(also being sick and listening to happy hardcore music while typing is not helping jot down my thoughts)#i guess in other news me and the bfs anniversary was the other day#never thought i'd be in a relationship with someone for 3 years#also gonna be getting a FUCKTON of money soon hopefully :D#was supposed to come in today. but didnt for whatever reason#but yeah lots of. things!!! going on over here!!#mentally and (kinda) physically#god i hope things get resolved and figured out#for everyone involved#(might delete this later idk) (depends on how im feelin)
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NOOO IMAGINE SHIN CRYING TO SLEEP BECAUSE HE MISSES SAINT HE IS FRUSTRATED THAT HE DID WHAT HE DID BUT HE CANT HELP BUT MISS HIM AND ITS FRUSTRATING STOOOP
AHHH ANON WHY WOULD U GIVE ME THIS VISUAL, especially because it's definitely happened 😭😭
like it's easier for shin to not miss him (or at least bury that feeling) during the day, when he's got his facade up, feigning nonchalance, and there's other people to fight and things to worry about.
but then come night he's just so so desperately lonely, exhausted from a day spent pretending everything is okay, first with his friends at school, then with his mum at home (who accepts a lot of things but would never accept what he's feeling now). so at night shrouded by darkness, he can't help but look over to the side (saint's side) , and just finally let the tears fall, because of course he's angry and hurt and a myriad of other things, but above all he just misses his best friend so damn much 😭😭
#high school frenemy#saintshin#like saint rlly was HIS person until one day he just wasn't???#that can't not have been traumatising as hell 😭#we saw how insane obsessed dependent saint was#but you can FEEL how shin is exactly the same in all the little details#i can imagine especially in the first couple months after the fight#shin waiting and hoping almost every single day (and then crying himself to sleep almost every single night)#and as time passes it doesn't happen as often#but there will still be the bad days where he can't stop thinking about saint#maybe it'll be a familiar scent or he'll pass by one of the places they used to spend time together#or maybe it'll just be a day when he needs the comfort#his brain overriding the memories of THAT day in favour of cherishing the thousands of other memories he has of saint ingrained in his mind#because saint brought him joy when he had none#and despite everything there's still nothing that can comfort him better#but then sometimes reality will hit a little too soon#and it'll be another night spent with tear tracks staining his cheeks#lam.text#sknn asks#asks
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cried then played a murder mystery board game. Pimpcess activities that you wouldn't get.
#Literally over things that weren't even an issue too. like bitch shouldn't you be happy about everything and chill#No I have been a little quirky lately😔#not feeling like myself because whew. gotta get more sleep or something man.#But hey. this does happen every three months or so where I cannot communicate or think like a normal person for a couple weeks.#just gotta keep at it
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as annual tradition i worked through my likes and put it all in my queue
I made it all the way to April before the queue was full but it was fun to see all the things I've been obsessed with this year
#personal#dragon age is always there#especially anders i seem to go through an anders phase at least once every two months#the most recent thing is arcane so theres going to be a lot of that in the next couple days#i also got really into smosh this year#everything pre june is dungeon meshi basically#i had a sidlink phase in july too? i think that happens once a year
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i need to make a full post about in dogs and time so bad. this au that came to me in a dream has been taking over my life. im so insane about it
#bee babbles#isat#in dogs and time#its like so stupid. how could this happen to me#i always get like way too invested in the lore of my dreams but this is ridiculous#my brain has been giving me such low hanging isat au fruit in the past couple months. its crazy#i need to learn how to write so every time my mind fabricates an insane lore filled dream i can make it real and make sense
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Finallly got around to properly designing Demonstrator! She’s silly
#keese draws#oc art#oc#she’s a part of the story with lace and the others#she’s in fact a big part of the reason lace was able to find out everything she did in the first timeline#so Long story short she was from the very end of the time period that the creators were still around#well at that point only 2 of them were and the one that made her left super shortly after but yknow#but after the last creator died within their world the gods began fighting for power and control#the time god had seen what becomes of this and freaked out and tried to preserve at least one of the people of this era by sending her to#the future before he immediately stopped doing that since he has little control over his powers and was sent to a different time period#during that war pretty much every other original non god inhabitant of this world ended up dead#all the modern day magic relics are in fact pieces of these old inhabitants that carry enough of their original owners magic#to be used for casting purposes#the main party found demonstrator while they were working on their main quest and had assumed she was a relic before accidentally unfreezing#her and realizing this was a living person why was very confused as to what happened#but yeah demonstrator was mostly created as an experiment and she knows that so she’s eager to get the others to help her test her abilities#lace was very intrigued by her and her abilities especially given her concerns surrounding well. everything lately.#demonstrator basically just has shitty magic 8 ball magic where you can ask her a question and her abilities will show her some answer#these answers can’t be full on false but they can be extremely vague or even just complete nonanswers so usefulness carries#she can also only produce an answer once per question#although luckily it’s pretty loose on what one question is so you can just rephrase the same question a bunch of different ways if you want#so she and lace were still able to find out a shit ton of stuff and the rest is history#important to note that her role in the modern timeline is still pretty prone to change but I’m currently planning on her having also been#sentenced to the timeloop tumbler but in a different location so she and lace weren’t able to keep eachother company#I’m still working out what I want to do with her character tho I have ideas but nothing concrete#she’s existed conceptually for a couple months now but I have been mostly prioritizing the basic worldbuilding and story set up#but now that I have that done I’ve been slowly chipping at fleshing out the main cast so that means demonstrator too#I kind of want her and lace to be doomed toxic yuri post loops but again it depends
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both my parents have covid (again)
#:)#i'm physically okay for the moment. nothing more than a little itchy throat#that said my parents have caught covid once a month every month since like september at this point which is like. that's Not Good right#like they are basically being repeatedly exposed and infected and not building a shred of immunity against it which kind of worries me!#i last had covid in october-ish and then skipped over getting sick the next couple times until now maybe#so my infection pattern is very much every 4-6 months depending on variant mutation#but my parents are on their third covid infection since christmas. like that's gotta be repeat infections of the same strain which uh.#i don't know too much about illnesses and diseases but i think something unfortunate is happening to their immune systems
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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i just need to make it to shabbat i just need to make it to shabbat i just need
#😵💫😵💫😵💫#short response due tmrw ; seminar presentation potentially tmrw WHICH I ONLY JUST REMEMBERED ; short seminar quiz to do before friday ;#latin club “homework” which im probably gonna tell my friend i cant continue w bc my weekly workload is already too overwhelming w 3 courses#+ i have to have by thrice yearly lunch w my evangelical godmother which means 3 hour convo half dedicated to getting me to abandon judaism#and half to getting me to repent my sinful homosexual ways and go back to being a nice straight girl#all of which is going to happen in public and she WILL tear up at multiple points of the conversation and it WILL be supremely awkward#when people inevitably start eavesdropping bc let's be real if i were at a cafe overhearing this convo i would be listening in too#and everyone's like 'ugh why dont you just tell her to fuck off' but im the only trans person and the only observant jew she has ever met#two groups against which she already has so many preconceived notions so like. idk it feels like my responsibility#as someone who knows her and who she acc cares about (vs a stranger) to try and give her a different perspective on these things ???#like if me being patient and calmly explaining why i transitioned/why i converted can stop her even slightly from sliding even further right#(and like she's Right Wing like covid denial right wing)#and if it might mean the next trans person or whtvr that she interacts with has it slightly easier then like. sure j can sit through#a couple irritating hours every few months#but its just suuuch a shit time for it like im meeting her thursday after class when i have a massive fucking assignment to hand in on sat#which FUCK gotta add that to the list#☞ annotated bibliography due saturday aka friday bc shabbos#okay okay. im done losing my mind in the notes 😵💫👍🏻#p.s.
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#okay will this is bullshjt because I swear I was good about taking my t this month and I still got my period#like if I missed days it was only a couple#not fair frankly#I got my blood work done this morning and period tonight so idk what the results are gonna say lol#but whether the doc says to up dose or not I gotta ask about bc#cuz I want a backup to not start bleeding#I don’t wanna have to take a pill tbh and can’t get an iud#maybe the shot? idk#I’ve heard mixed reviews for every single method it’s too fucked up#I mean I guess at least I’m not worried about getting pregnant that’d make this even more stressful#this just makes me hate myself because it is a prison of my own making#if I took t more perfectly this wouldn’t be happening#so ultimately it is my fault and I can’t complain#but I’d like to complain anyway
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it's so funny how many therapists i went to when i was a kid when where i needed to be!! was in a sleep clinic!! because ofc i was mentally ill, 3/4ths of my life was spent in severe sleep deprivation! but insurance didn't pay for a sleep clinic, it paid for therapy. so. super cool that i wasted all that time i guess. 😑
#i went to a sleep doctor one time. showed them a year's worth of sleep records where my sleep was CLEARLY free-running.#1 hour later every day often down to the MINUTE#they said i probably wasn't entering rem correctly and i think prescribed me trazadone as a sleep aid? and sent me on my way#if i could go back in time i would blow up the building 😇#they had an opportunity to change my life in such a big way and they dropped the ball so fucking bad#even just telling me 'hm that looks like non-24 hour sleep wake disorder. but you're not blind so that doesn't make sense.'#EVEN THAT would have been incredibly beneficial#adam talks too much#edit: so apparently this appears in a non24 tag on tumblr judging by a like it just received so i feel obligated to say#i cured my non24 a couple of years ago and here's how#every single night at the exact time 4-6hrs before i want to go to sleep i take the lowest dose of melatonin i can find#not a capsule a tablet#for the first month i take it and i feel sleepy for a little while but nothing happens every night#but at about the 30 day mark my circadian rhythm locks into place and bam normal sleep schedule#if i quit taking it it takes another month for everything to fall back to shit#so yeah that's what it took#after like 15 years of daily struggle and trying so much different shit#all it took was melatonin#taking it not as a 'sleep aid' but consistently in order to mimic the daily melatonin dosage normal people produce#simple as that#if you're reading this and it's relevant to you good luck because i know it's hell being out of rhythm with the world most of the time
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