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i'm having a bit of a username crisis right now so this a PSA so my mutuals recognize me 😭 used to be @/king-spite, now i'm @/godscursedd ! (for now🫠)
#i've had that username for like YEARS idk why it's suddenly starting to sound bland :(#maybe it's just a phase and i'll go back to king spite soon enough. i hope :|#another possible username i was thinking of was raceofcain. yknow. referencing Baudelaire's poem (Abel et Caïn)#but the thing is idk if i want my username to be red queen related or instead related to something else/personal stuff#(godscursed is supposed to come from that one rq quote btw. the ''Not a god's chosen but a god's cursed'' one)#IDK this kind of thing stresses me out sm#and it happens every couple months too#god help me i am not one of your most decisive soldiers#also. don't mind the x at the end. the username ''godscursed'' was already taken. so :|#📎#update: changed the final x to a d cause i was reading it too every time i saw my username and it was starting to bother me
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Imagine the Monsters watching soccer together during the start of Kevin’s stay in Palmetto bc Nicky is a fan thanks to Erik and being cooked in the living in Germany soup for like a year and it just ends up as
Andrew: Hey Kevin look, look, a sport that doesn't even need hands, maybe a new career for you?
Kevin, hand still in a cast, bristling: Fuck you
#curtesy of my home country being soccer nation and me constantly forgetting that fact#until it is once again forcibly smacked into my head every couple of months#probably earns me a bad grade in being German#I didn’t even know the Europameisterschaft was happening until someone asked me abt Fußball at work and I was like what now??#GERMANY IS APPARENTLY HOSTING IT THIS YEAR#anyway#I think Erik as a soccer fan is so fucking funny actually#he probably played it as a kid/teen/young adult too it’s like a national sport#also Erik has the same last name as a famous German soccer player#who was p much at the height of his career in the years AFTG is set in iirc#I wonder if Nicky ever played himself and whether he liked it#you really cannot escape it it’s everywhere in Germany even just subtly#aftg#all for the game#andrew minyard#kevin day#nicky hemmick#erik klose
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The hands holding yours are not clean either.
VegasPete + Hands || KinnPorsche (2022)
#Disclaimer: I have very complicated feelings about this show and this couple after everything that's happened over the past month#I actually started these in late december for a friends birthday but the colouring ended up so complicated I didnt get it done#and while I'm still untangling how I feel about the fandom and fan culture and the whole situation (tldr: bad sad parasocially betrayed lol#I was so proud of these for my 3rd ever gifset the absolutely insane amount of time I spent on the colouring and masking against shaky shot#like I genuinely had to keyframe adjust about 8 different overlapping layers frame-by-frame for at least 1 of these lol#and perhaps selfishly: I need to post bc I can't bring myself to work on new sets while this was staring back at me every time i opened PS#And I'm proud of it and it meant a lot and even though the shape of the fandom and friendships have changed its still worth something to me#anyway. enough rambling. on to the actual tags lol#VegasPete#kinnporche the series#vegas theerapanyakul#pete saengtham#asiandramasource#asianlgbtqdramas#lgbtedit#vegas kp#pete kp#idk idk idk I feel like this is my one last little love letter to these silly little characters that meant a lot to me#and to the friends that inspired it too#on a lighter note: the caption is an adapted taemin lyric and the colours were inspired by the criminal MV lmao#so like lol its not that deep :')#aaaand post.#bee.gif#kpts
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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whys everyone on twitter calling selfshipping 'yumeshipping' did i miss something. whats going on.
#.wakas#also how come every couple of months white people always use like japanese terms to represent their activities. am i thinking too deeply?#am i being 'too woke' and its rlly not that deep?#but anyways..#what happened. what shifted here
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oversharing in the tags time :)
#i think it’s time i go back to therapy#i keep having recurring nightmares about my ex best friend#or dreams where she reaches out to me. and explains why she cut me out#backstory. in high school had a lesbian toxic situationship with my#bestie. THEN i had another one. which kinda overlapped? the first one was open but also just messy#anyways. jade and i were like together for a year. then she got a boyfriend one day and i had a breakdown#it happened just after high school and i was sooooo … unwell. wasn’t out to my family felt like i was gonna die etc etc#(this is all pre dnp btw) anyways next year i found dnp. a couple months later she broke up with her bf#and we sorted dated for a while (this whole time we’d been just friends and i was still not really over it but hiding it)#and then she dated ANOTHER guy. they broke up and she had a breakdown and moved 9 hours away. i went#to visit her for a month. we like kinda dated again then and i thought we could make it work. then 2020. no travel#so she started dating a guy. didn’t tell me. even though we spoke every day. she moved in with him#then she breaks up with him mid 2021. i started dating my gf. but Jade was clingy and it was awkward#she started dating a sketchy guy who was homophobic. i went and visited her a few times#start of 2023 she tells me she wants to make more of an effort cause he didn’t like her friends so she cut everyone out. then she ghosted#in feb 2023. we had tickets for#mcr in march. i had to text her cause she’d blocked me on messenger and said im going to the concert whether she’s there or not#she said ‘yeah no worries! you can take someone else in my place too 😎’ she used that fucking emoji#and I haven’t spoken to her since. I think she quit her job . and that guy was not a nice man#so I still worry about her#writing this all down makes me realise she was a bitch and I deserve better#but I just want closure. it isn’t fair she replied so casually to my text when I said ‘you’ve blocked me’#it isn’t fair she HAS MY SIGNED COPY OF DANS BOOK#anyways. I need therapy to get over this#and I haven’t even written about my family issues (im#out and they’re supportive but my god they fucked me#up as a kid)#if you read this hi 👋 hope you are having a lovely day#don’t get in lesbian situationships!!!
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both my parents have covid (again)
#:)#i'm physically okay for the moment. nothing more than a little itchy throat#that said my parents have caught covid once a month every month since like september at this point which is like. that's Not Good right#like they are basically being repeatedly exposed and infected and not building a shred of immunity against it which kind of worries me!#i last had covid in october-ish and then skipped over getting sick the next couple times until now maybe#so my infection pattern is very much every 4-6 months depending on variant mutation#but my parents are on their third covid infection since christmas. like that's gotta be repeat infections of the same strain which uh.#i don't know too much about illnesses and diseases but i think something unfortunate is happening to their immune systems
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I will be forever grateful i can be on this new med. it's one a lot of folks also need and can struggle to have access to! It's important i be on it, especially if i start doing any vid collabs
(some of which, really, all of which, i unfortunately actually need to cancel that were in the preplanning stages, bc the election results have me wanting to wait and see how the general atmosphere of the country is before i agree to meet up with anyone. I feel bad for cancelling, but also i just can't know for sure how safe things are/might be going forward and I'd rather avoid the potential of. ya know. various not great things that could happen at a meet up, tho i would certainly hope they wouldn't. i don't feel like actually addressing them rn, u guys know what i mean)
That said, if the truvada initial side effects could fuck off asap would be so lovely. three weeks at worst, then they should be gone/much better or so i am told. really hope that's true bc losing my mornings to being dizzy and nauseous is Not Working for me lmao. im on week two, and now understand why my new doc said to call if i needed any 'cheerleading' and support to get thru the side effects, bc apparently she's done that for several ppl to make sure they actually make it thru the three weeks and keep on it (lovely of her!!)
#text post#not going to get into the other painful smack of this morning#suffice to say that medicaid does not in fact fully cover vocal therapy/training for trans ppl#even if ur docs feel incredibly certain it is#if i was making a decent bit over minimum wage at consistent hours and already had my current debts paid off mostly#then I'd happily consider paying the chunk Medicaid won't cover but as of now#it would literally be basically two paychecks if not three to cover the estimate for this first visit#and that's only if the poll would have us polling every week like we did before the election#otherwise we're guesstimating it would be upwards of 4 paychecks to cover it#I'm actually gonna get into in here bc nobody reads all my tag essays (fair valid and correct)#im really sad abt this. my voice gets me clocked a lot and while i can mostly handle like. visually being clocked#my voice giving me away genuinely makes me feel a pain in my chest. i can't get my customer service voice to go lower yet#and even if it's my usual voice I've made minimal progress on my own self done vocal study stuff#so like. no one knows how high it was compared to how it is now tho so no one actually hears it as anything near deep#which it isn't but like. there's been a slightly barely there drop of it per at least a couple ppl in my life#i was probably going to be able to learn how to sing again and find my new range. I'd fix my customer service voice#even if it would only ever be a teeny bit lower than how it is now. it would be lovely#im not gonna get too down tho bc someday hopefully I'll be able to make it happen/afford it#and for now...im doing the bad thing of not cancelling the appt yet#i will bc they're booking out for months and it isn't right of me to take a spot i know i can't keep#but. let me pretend i can for another day or two. maybe until monday. then I'll call or msg them on mychart#and let them know i just don't have the funds rn tho i do deeply appreciate that Medicaid at least pays part of it#im just not at a point where i can cover the rest but that I'll reschedule/have a new referral sent whenever that changes#...and hopefully things in this country will be of such a state that such care is still available to ppl like me.#but that's all we're saying on that bc im already having a pathetic little cry over this#(im fine the med side effects have me crying over everything lol i see a sad commercial and Instant Tears like someone died lmaooo)
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Jobs for someone not cut out for real life but who excels at mimicry
#idfk#im like good at saying the right thing but i feel like in my heart i know#im a failure#i am not good at anything really in any stunning way. im ugly im hard to talk to#im good at liking many niches of music. im good at roleplay. im good at having fun sometimes#idk. i was so chipper last week#i feel like a pagliacci stupid clown whose life is in crumbles around him#i cant keep talking to people and seeing the contempt in their eyes when i fumble my words#i have a stutter now like. howd that happen i didnt when i was a kid#but a couple years ago it started and its been. worse in the last few months#im so like. i feel like such a failure#likea fake person who had so many opportunities to make my life real#pinocchioesque maybe#ughhh#im just feeling sorry for myself sorry guys#im trying to draw here at 1 am bc. i kinda drew something kinda nice the other night but#every compliment ive ever gotten feels unearned and like. a social lie#like imposter syndrome but im an imbecile for real and also the lamest person ever#i cant make friends. i seem to be annoying in an unnameable way to everyone who has ever met me but no one will have the decency to tell me#why#i have been longing for the past a bit lately too. nothing in particular though? just like.... how i felt about the future when i was young#and full of hope#i had a horrible childhood. i didnt enjoy being there and my dad always seemed preoccupied with the fact i would grow up and not want to#be his friend anymore?#but in an adult now and he seems to never have time for me#and he didnt back then either idk#i guess im sensitive to that. and i struggle myself#if smthing is transitory its unreliable and therefore i should wait it out#haha learned behavior!!! autism!!!! but god i feel so lonely and stupid. im gonna#draw my teddy bear giving me a hug
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i just need to make it to shabbat i just need to make it to shabbat i just need
#😵💫😵💫😵💫#short response due tmrw ; seminar presentation potentially tmrw WHICH I ONLY JUST REMEMBERED ; short seminar quiz to do before friday ;#latin club “homework” which im probably gonna tell my friend i cant continue w bc my weekly workload is already too overwhelming w 3 courses#+ i have to have by thrice yearly lunch w my evangelical godmother which means 3 hour convo half dedicated to getting me to abandon judaism#and half to getting me to repent my sinful homosexual ways and go back to being a nice straight girl#all of which is going to happen in public and she WILL tear up at multiple points of the conversation and it WILL be supremely awkward#when people inevitably start eavesdropping bc let's be real if i were at a cafe overhearing this convo i would be listening in too#and everyone's like 'ugh why dont you just tell her to fuck off' but im the only trans person and the only observant jew she has ever met#two groups against which she already has so many preconceived notions so like. idk it feels like my responsibility#as someone who knows her and who she acc cares about (vs a stranger) to try and give her a different perspective on these things ???#like if me being patient and calmly explaining why i transitioned/why i converted can stop her even slightly from sliding even further right#(and like she's Right Wing like covid denial right wing)#and if it might mean the next trans person or whtvr that she interacts with has it slightly easier then like. sure j can sit through#a couple irritating hours every few months#but its just suuuch a shit time for it like im meeting her thursday after class when i have a massive fucking assignment to hand in on sat#which FUCK gotta add that to the list#☞ annotated bibliography due saturday aka friday bc shabbos#okay okay. im done losing my mind in the notes 😵💫👍🏻#p.s.
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#okay will this is bullshjt because I swear I was good about taking my t this month and I still got my period#like if I missed days it was only a couple#not fair frankly#I got my blood work done this morning and period tonight so idk what the results are gonna say lol#but whether the doc says to up dose or not I gotta ask about bc#cuz I want a backup to not start bleeding#I don’t wanna have to take a pill tbh and can’t get an iud#maybe the shot? idk#I’ve heard mixed reviews for every single method it’s too fucked up#I mean I guess at least I’m not worried about getting pregnant that’d make this even more stressful#this just makes me hate myself because it is a prison of my own making#if I took t more perfectly this wouldn’t be happening#so ultimately it is my fault and I can’t complain#but I’d like to complain anyway
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they should invent a friend for me who doesn't randomly stop talking to me for no reason
#my best friend. MY. BEST. FRIEND.#has been ignoring me since yesterday#and i just.... honestly i feel like giving up at this point#this is about the 5th time this has happened to me in my life AND I AM SO SICK OF IT#am i doing sth wrong????#are all the people around me just assholes????#i know that this won't go on forever and that she will get back to me at some point and explain (hopefully)#but oh gosh i am not okay#like maybe i wouldn't be reacting this way if this wasn't the X time I'm re-living this whole situation#in primary school i had an entire friend group just decide to hate me IN ONE DAY#and then in high school one of my closest friends also just started treating me like she hates me#so then all my friends just followed her lead#then last year a friend (whom i only saw every couple of months) avoided me at our mutual friends wedding#and then didn't invite me to her own wedding a few months later (she too was one of my closest and longest friends)#and then there's S#but then again at least he explained so I know this situation was not really my fault#and now this??????#i swear i have been fighting tooth and nail to continue to be caring and wear my heart on my sleeve#and BY THE GRACE OF GOD i am still able to be so#but oh gosh oh goodness this is hard#mine#personal
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Agdfajsfdg i love my friends
#i just spent the day with one of my groups of friends and 🥰🥰🥰#its rlly fucking cool bc we met over 2 years ago in a summer camp#and that summer we met a couple times like a big meeting of almost all of us#but that hasnt happened since then like we did small meetings where we were 4 or 5 sometimes we managed to be a couple more#but today we finally managed to organize a big meeting we were 13 and i loved it?#people i hadnt seen since that summer were here#i love how it felt so special but at the same time it felt super normal as if we did this every few weeks#it Definitely does not feel like i havent seen them in years at most it was a couple months wdym#we dont even talk that much in the gc we mostly just say goodmorning and goodnight every day like a 50 year olds gc or smth lol#but im so happy we did this i love how easy it is to spend time with anyone there and everything#also i love that were super cuddly with a couple of them without it being weird at all? idk i lowkey love it#also i learned a new cards game today and im so ready to kick my sisters butt at it😈😈#anyways i love my friends and i could fucking rant about this in the gc but im too awkward for this so here it is loolll#mine#friends#life
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Maaaaan I typed up this kinda long ass post about the aesthetic conversation; not that I think anyone would particularly care about what *I* have to say on the subject, but I digress. I'll just mind my business 😂
#the shortened version is that we have this debate in a different font every couple of months#and people who are like 'yeah I'd like my posts to get more than 5 notes' are always painted as '#needy or 'too focused on likes and should just do this for fun'!#and it is always from people who can pull 100 notes on a shitpost. Like... come on guys lmao#we all just need to learn that a 'shit' edit to one person is 5 hours of work to another#and that creating a standard of beauty for sims content is so fucking dumb lmao#and there are big blogs who care about notes who don't engage in the community at all. Let's not pretend they don#- don't care about notes. Be for real lmao this should not be an opportunity to say 'do better to be like xyz'#but an opportunity to realize 'hey maybe the simblr community should stop holding everyone to an aesthetic standard and -#'maybe something doesn't need to fit a certain standard to be considered pretty or well done.'#idk. just a thought#it is intimidating being compared to other blogs or feeling like what you're doing isn't good enough so like...#let's stop fucking doing that lmao#Comparison is the thief of joy and it does happen here. Multiple things can be true at once#personal#an-e-way I'm done now#gif warning
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hhhhh is it bad that i’m coming up with post-canon stranger things aus when i haven’t even seen the canon
#steddie#like i haven’t even bothered reading episode summaries#i’ve just been synthesizing what i think happened from fics and gifsets on tumblr#but i’ve been having Thoughts#about everything being the same (including dustin telling wayne that eddie is dead and all)#except what if he’s not dead#like what if he’s barely hanging on but they couldn’t find vitals bc they were all too panicked and tired#and it was too risky to bring his body back through with steve still injured so they left him there#but then he wakes up alone and severely injured#and it takes a couple days for el to notice that she can feel someone alive in the upside down still#(can she do that? genuinely i don’t care)#and she tears a hole and they go back for him but it’s like#god the whump potential yk??#the trauma of surviving those days alone and nearly dead?#the horror and guilt that dustin and steve and robin and nancy feel?#the way they would all melt down every time they had to leave the room he’s in#because they left him once and it was the worst mistake any of them ever made#the way it throws steve and nancy right back to barb but worse?#the way you’d have to pry dustin off eddie with a crowbar for months#there’s just so many options!!#delicious#stranger things
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also
#im making huge huge changes in my life and i think the next logical step would be to cut off jamie. ive already been ghosting him but thats#just me avoiding the problem. i just like. it feels fucked to be like hey i told you i was ok with what you did but i Changed my mind#i just think like. i have next to no contact with him and i feel fucking fantastic. we talk like every couple months on the rare occurrence#he can text and then i answer in vague short sentences and ghost. and now that i finally have firm boundaries with him and havent engaged#with him sexually its like. i feel like basically all my ties are cut. and i feel like im ready to let go for the first time. like ive#always felt like i just wasnt ready but now i like i Am ready its just a matter of like. doing it. thats difficult. even though i know hell#accept it because hes matured. and like. idk. i think its fine like this#and idk i think its fine like this. being the absolute barest form of acquaintances. i cannot stress how little we interact and how little#affect he has on my life at this point outside of what happened in the past. like i am in a good place he is 99% cut off i just need to do#the last bit. but like also fuck. you know. its hard to kinda finish it off. and its also like ooh it would hurt his feelings but now i#fucking. dont care lol. after everything. with blue i realize every day just how much more respected i feel and less gross and shitty#even with being jamies friend which we never were because whenever i was single we were sexual. i just felt bad. i never wanted to fuck#either. and he would say he loved me and id be like hahaha yeahhhh and now that ive finally drawn that boundary and said he cant do that#anymore i feel so much lighter and i just feel so happy and safe with blue in a way ive never felt with jamie and its like. im almost there#i feel like i might be able to cut him off by the end of the year. and thats crazy to me. i just also have a lot of like shit to unpack#in general too also. with what he did. and i just have a lot. but i feel like im progressing
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