#and it feels like i'm barred from normal human emotional experiences

[monster-noises]

Oh come ON!!!!!

Just once, just One Time, I would like my anger to not be Immediately Fucking Invalidated! I would like to be Right to be Angry! That'd be Nice! Not make me feel like the worlds biggest Ass all the time!!!! Sick sick sick

[sealeneee]

doc from swtor is arospec. here's why.

disclaimer: obviously this is a headcanon. i consider it based on canonical stuff, but there has been no in-game or in-lore mentions of doc's romantic or sexual orientation. i'm also basing this on my experience as an aromantic person, which may not be the same as your experience as an aromantic person. it's also perfectly fine to disagree as long as you're not a fucking dickhead in my notes.

now to the actual reasoning.

he does not get into serious relationships until he meets the knight. there's that story with the twi'lek woman and him abandoning her at their wedding, but we don't really know how that happened. this does not make him less of a dick for doing that, to be clear -- in the context provided by the game there isn't any evidence to support he was justified in doing that. at the same time though, there is very little we know about the whole situation. was he pressured into it by his or his fiancee's relatives? did he not want to be in a relationship, but agreed to it to not hurt her feelings and didn't have the guts to end it until it was too late? was his fiancee just unhinged and organized a wedding without getting the groom-to-be's consent? is doc just an idiot with commitment issues? we don't know. i mean, we do know that he is an idiot (affectionately) with commitment issues, but whether that was the reason for the failed wedding is unknown. i'm kinda derailing, but the point is, the only serious relationship we know of was a disaster and it's not even known how it came to be like that. his romance dialogue also suggests this is the case, from him thinking he's going crazy for actually falling in love with someone, to saying stuff like "normally, i'd kiss you for talking like that. but i'm trying to do this right", which is, again, not definite proof, but substantial evidence for me.

also based on his dialogue, he finds the concept of non-casual relationships weird. "...wookies mate for life. that's not normal!". of course this can just be him being the whore he is, but i don't think your average "sleeps around with everyone" character would find the concept of marriage for life abnormal. not fit for them, sure, but not an insane thing either.

his opinion clearly changes when he is in a relationship with the knight though. he goes from being the guy who thinks marrying for life is insane to being the only romance option in the game to have an on-screen marriage ceremony and even referencing the wookie thing in a positive context this time: "i want us to be together. like the wookies". he also stays completely faithful despite what some people in this fandom try to claim. you know who you are which is admittedly an incredibly low bar to have but it's not like it's completely unprecedented in bioware games sealene please stop the salt and he is still just as madly in love with her as he was seven years ago.

considering his bafflement with what (i assume) is a normal human romantic experience and literally thinking he's going insane for falling in love with someone, i think it's safe to say he could very well be demiromantic. i don't identify as demi myself, so please correct me if i misrepresent the experience, but the definition for demiros is "describes people who do not experience romantic attraction until they have formed a deep emotional connection with someone" which checks out, it takes him about a year and a half (according to the "1 chapter = 1 year "thing) to get to the point where he realizes he has feelings for the knight. checks out.

so yeah. diversity win! the womanizer guy is queer.

[thecheshireninja]

um, so what is up with the temple of silence?

After just finishing Cyno's second story quest, I have mixed feelings. And because he's my favorite and I'd been waiting for that story quest for ages, I might as well rant a bit... (Warning: disorganized thoughts to follow.)

The whole "reawakening Hermanubis" thing did not quite sit right with me. I understand their motives for doing so, but the story at no point tries to justify how they did it. They themselves called it an experiment. On human children. *scratches head* I dunno, it all just seems lowkey unethical to me. Especially since they admitted adults could not withstand the power, which means... people might have died? (They didn't find it necessary to clarify.)

Even though they did succeed, the ends definitely don't justify the means because Cyrus then ran off, ruining everything. Which, can I just say, GOOD ON YOU, Cyrus, taking a child away from a human experiment where he could grow up with at least a semblance of normal life. But why did the man feel so guilty about it?? The emotional betrayal I understand, but he--and everyone else in this quest--made it sound as if he was fully in the moral wrong.

Perhaps we can give the Temple the benefit of the doubt and say the adults who could not withstand the Ba fragments willingly gave themselves up to the experiment. But Sethos and Cyno were children. I don't think they had much choice. I especially don't think Cyno had much choice given that he was sold by his own parents for this purpose.

Yet upon learning this no one so much as batted an eye. Cyno, the General Mahamatra, who goes on long and heavy about the principles of justice he dedicates his life to upholding... Genshin, what are these inconsistencies?? Drawn all the sharper when you think about the next major story quest they released after this one--Arlecchino's, which also features the subject of human experimentation on children? Now obviously Dottore is on another level because the mental and physical trauma his research inflicted are undeniable where Cyno and Sethos turned out all right, but you know. I'm just seeing some uncomfortable parallels here, is all.

In the end, I think it's because the writers chose not to address any possible consequences for Bamoun's work. Maybe something like "he didn't end up harming anyone in the long run anyway so he can get a pass, unlike Dottore." Cyno survived the discomforts he endured after absorbing the fragment, after all, and now he's doing just fine. Sethos finally gets the freedom to find meaning for his life outside the burden that was pushed upon him as a child (and yes. Yes, I know this is meant to be an allegory, or at least can be construed as such, but I dearly wish they had used a different method to convey it). And let's assume the people who couldn't withstand the Ba fragments either survived or, if they did die, sacrificed themselves willingly. Either Bamoun was making a lot of optimistic predictions that paid off in the end, as was alluded to in the story, or the writers just couldn't be bothered to dive into the potential side-effects of these major revelations.

Cyno is written as a strong-willed, confident, and mature character. It's fair that the writers wouldn't want to give him an existential crisis at his age (he's clearly older than the type who usually do--barring the immortal not-quite-humans who never age out of existential crises). It's not that we don't get to talk about trauma that I mind, so much as we don't get to see him express his moral opinion on things. Almost every time we've come close, he only talks about the rules of the Akademiya. It would have been nice if he could say more in this quest, but oh well. Honestly, I was happy enough to see more dimension to Cyno's character and of COURSE, his relationships. I'm SURE people have discussed all this before and I'm just late to the party. And I could have missed something, but I figure if it was small enough to be missed it probably wouldn't have changed my opinion.

I suppose a Cyno story quest part three would be too much to wish for, anyway...

[bluejaybytes]

I’m curious why you found Inside Out 2 insulting? I recognize that everyone is different, but as someone with an anxiety disorder I personally found it pretty relatable

Throughout my teenage years, when my anxiety was at its most debilitating and my coping skills were basically nonexistent, I was repeatedly met with the idea that "every teen is a bit anxious". This, to an extent, is true, being a teenager IS scary and you're probably going to have some level of anxiety. However, I had an active anxiety disorder. I was prone to frequent panic attacks, skipping school because I couldn't even fathom the idea of going to class out of just sheer intense dread and fear, and all around just having an extremely bad time. I went into the movie with an already decently negative expectation because of that, I didn't like how anxiety was shown to show up ONLY when Riley became a teenager, BUT I was willing to set aside my own distaste of it for the sake of like, I do get why they went the direction of adding new emotions as characters, as much as I disagree with that.

However I found it wildly insulting because I feel the level of intense anxiety Riley is shown to have breaches what I'd consider a "normal" level of anxiety and instead feels more like an anxiety disorder, which, again, it angers me to be once again met with the idea that you only get anxious once you're a teenager, or when signs of much higher levels of anxiety than just normal nervousness are brushed aside with that excuse.

Barring that issue, though that is the biggest in my opinion, basically at every corner I was annoyed by something. This movie felt like it could've been incredibly relatable to me, I was a horrendously anxious teen (Still am anxious just not a teen and also I'm better at coping now) in competitive highschool sports (Yes marching band IS a sport I DO die on this hill), but like... it just continually let me down. The coach is genuinely an asshole, doing things like not showing what the expectations are and then proceeding to single out who she knows are the newcomers as breaking rules that had not been properly established, failing to recognize Riley clearly struggling mentally, and honestly, the biggest sin, fucking letting her in the sport at all. Riley's outburst at the other players should've gotten her taken out of the running entirely, I refuse to believe otherwise.

Which, this is kind of all over the place because I'm not really writing this as a full proper breakdown and more just "Jay angrily rambles to an anon with no direction", but hey, SUPER don't like that Riley's over-practicing isn't really called out at all as being harmful. The ROOT of it is, we know she's only doing that because anxiety is driving her to do that, but like... she performs really well. She's met by the older student (I forget her name, God) with positivity for this, and I'm personally just kind of uncomfortable with how her overworking herself is viewed as just like... neutral. And it's only the fact it's stemming from anxiety that's bad.

There's a lot more (I found the pacing bad, I think, ESPECIALLY given that this is a childrens movie, Riley should've been given EXPLICIT help from the people around her barring just "her friends say they're still friends", I think things like anxiety driving her to look at the notebook yet NOT considering the janitor walking by is just... stupid, and in my experience, not at all how anxiety manifests, ect, ect), but ultimately this is not like, a serious breakdown, more just me listing off the top of my head the things that really fucking annoyed me. Also, Ennui was a stupid character. I mean all of the new emotions were fucking stupid because they're all VERY derivative of OTHER emotions if you've made the commitment that the entire range of human emotion be boiled down to just joy/sadness/anger/fear/disgust, but whatever.

I thought the video game guy was funny though. I'm a sucker for those kinds of jokes. I like that his hair routinely was clipping through his outfit

[mushroomnoodles]

its no problem at all- i quite love your comments! this does, however, make me want to go into some further detail on simon's journey and emotional state and just.. events during his pregnancy with morrigan. granted, i'm no writer- i'm much more of an artist, but i guess this kinda stuff has me thinking a lot? so sorry if it's weird.

tw for the sfw and non kink mpreg talk ofc, also i touch on simon being depressed and feeling like a burden again. but there's fluff in there too i swear! not tagging this under art because.. i didn't actually draw anything but myself. lol

i think something i find really fascinating, especially from personal experience, is how hard it is to change your frame of mind. it takes long, consistent effort, and you generally have to want to do it. simon becomes pregnant with morrigan, oh.. i don't know, 6-10 months after the events of F + C? he's 60 years old, physically at least. he's going to therapy and staying away from the bar, he's going outside for walks to get that sunlight and appreciate nature.

then GOLBetty dumps a baby in him. simon isn't instantly attached to the baby yet- this whole thing is sudden and terrifying. his mind is racing with thoughts of some terrifying chaos entity inside him, because god knows it's not a normal child with the way pb's equipment has been literally blown to smithereens at the mere attempt to monitor the fetus.

but he's refusing to terminate the pregnancy, because betty had to have wanted this for him if she did it. they wanted kids before everything happened, and she did so much for him- gave up her ambitions, her body, her humanity- she was asking this one thing from him, and it was the absolute least he could do in return.

also.. betty's not coming back. ever. not as his betty. this is a piece of her she's given to him. a parting gift. how could he ever let that go?

even at risk of death or worse, he couldn't bring himself to do it. and simon starts to struggle again, even if he tries to resume his life- he's so hyperaware of this thing growing inside him, and because of its mother he doesn't dare say or announce anything. he agrees with pb on that part- carrying a child of GOLB(etty) is definitely not something any of them want to make public.

he refuses minervabot's therapy in fear she'll detect his pregnancy, or worse, fucking explode.

simon's so guilty and yet so determined by his sense of duty to betty- betty wouldn't do this if she knew it would destroy ooo, he rationalizes, she wouldn't do this if it would kill him, surely? (golbaby, aware unbeknownst to simon, hears his fretting and decides to take a form that closely resembles his own, because they don't want to scare him.)

but simon's a dad at heart. of course he's going to warm up to the baby. and subconsciously, constantly defending betty's decision (to the girls and in his mind) slowly wears down his apprehension, too. and then he finally feels golbaby kick and it's scary because it's new but it's nothing like he thought it was going to be if he was carrying some.. inherently evil chaos entity his deepest fears (and pb, gently) were telling him it was. (not that he wouldn't have loved it in some degree anyway. look at him.) it was more.. just like a gentle reminder that the thing in him is, y'know, alive. like.. alive. it's just a little guy. huh.

and suddenly it's not really about betty's wish as much, it's about.. like.. getting ready to be a parent to this little guy inside him! and there is so much to do and prepare for. even with golbaby's powers sparking up and effecting the world around him in bizarre ways, simon is more and more convinced that it's just.. a baby. a baby what, he had no clue, but it was a baby, and it was going to be his.

but simon is still shutting down his life around him, because he has to. he's getting bigger and he can't really hide his pregnancy constantly anymore. he shuts down his exhibit and has to go out hunched over in his big ass bulky coat, and it's not too long before he simply leaves the human city altogether, because golbaby is fucking with any machine he passes by. and he's not about to be like, "oh no, i'm not trying to break your stuff, i'm just pregnant with the offspring of the most powerful cosmic entity known and it's an unfortunate side effect. sorry"

being alone is hard! especially when the pregnancy symptoms got worse he just found himself missing betty, not just in the normal way but the, yknow, you knocked me up and i could really use some emotional support way. but also in the please god i just wanna be a little spoon rn way. marceline was there for him (assured him he could call her anytime, too) but he wasn't calling her as much as he should. he didn't want to bug her too much. he knew the whole ordeal was freaking her out anyway, and he tended to keep his innermost thoughts to himself when she'd take him out to see pb. pb wasn't helping either, and neither was constantly seeing the effect the baby had on her equipment.

seeing yourself as something other than a burden and an outcast is a hard thing to get rid of, and sometimes he'd just cling to that idea of pushing onwards because somebody is relying on him now- even when the depression had its really bad point simon was pushing himself to take care of himself because golbaby was depending on him to. he still dragged himself to the store to buy groceries and shit, just for his kiddo. this idealogy didn't last- that he was simply going on because his baby needed him to, but it was a good way to keep his head above the water. simon feeling as though he has a purpose keeps him going through extremely difficult times.

things look up again when unexpectedly fionna and cake pay a visit to his new place in the woods. he tries to hide that he's pregnant- he has been since the start, but it doesn't work in person. he kinda breaks down and has a heart to heart with fionna, and they just sort of end up having tv dinners while sitting on the kitchen floor with cake as a pillow.

it gives him some time out of his head. helps him remember all that stuff minerva told him about handling his feelings and coping with them. he goes back to his walks (and getting that sweet sunshine) and i particularly enjoy imagining him awkwardly asking marceline if she wants to come over for dinner.. he has this board game he wants to try and he needs two people..

he finally says yes to the clothes shopping offer too after a while, and fionna keeps in close touch with him to make sure he's doing ok! simon loves listening to her stories and whatever is happening in his little brain universe. plus, he actually goes out and eats or shops sometimes! wow! he bought a lava lamp! cool!

and even when pb ends up placing that seal on him, he keeps his head up and focuses on those things to keep his mood and social life up because he's not about to let himself go back to that state of being again. you got this dr petrikov.

plus, when pb finally builds a machine that can handle golbaby's power and he finally, finally gets to hear their little, very much human heartbeat? he is over the fucking moon. getting to see that ever so fuzzy outline of the baby on the sonogram? serotonin +10000. there it is! simon doesn't happy cry often but he was happy bawling holding that little picture like a lifeline.

(side note, fionna is very entertained by how sassy he gets during the last few months of his pregnancy when golbaby is sealed. simon's filter is slacking. marceline's pretty amused, too.)

he feels like he can hold his own again, sort of, i guess? and golbaby is very much still his purpose, but he knows just being alive is good enough. maybe he still doesn't entirely believe it yet, but he keeps saying it aloud and in his brain so eventually he will.

uh, i was a human being who also felt like i had to have purpose to justify living. soo.. the ups and downs of the journey are important to me, cause i had them too! i'm still growing and learning (and i have a lot of work to do, i'm pretty young) but. idk. shakes simon around like a chew toy

[vintagepanicatd]

How was it like meeting pre split panic, what did you chat about, who did you like the most?

i have no idea when this ask was sent!! i'm sorry for it being probably years late!!

honestly it was a mix of emotions! i had only met one band prior, coba starship, and their m&g was not super organized. it was supposed to happen before the show and for some reason was postponed until after, and then they sat at small bar high top tables where you were free to approach each member at random to chat/ask for a photo/get a picture etc.

panic!'s was much more organized. i met them in 2008 at the rock band live tour. i won m&g with the pre-sale purchase of my ticket. my friend and i arrived to the venue early to wait in line, then zack iirc called all the m&g people over to form a new line and give us wristbands. he went over some ground rules and made a few jokes. i was intimidated by him because i heard hears he could be mean but he was fine to me each time i met them (i don't say that to discredit people who had bad experiences just that mine was not). we then were brought into the venue and stood in a line around the room. the band entered and people waved/said hi. you could feel an energy shift of nerves/excitement.

each person first approached the table they had set up and had a quick moment to talk to the band and get an item of your choice signed. the band would only use black sharpies that they had, i remember a mom being upset they couldn't use her silver sharpie to sign a black t-shirt but zack said there had been instances of sharpees being tampered with in the past so they only used their designated sharpees and he would not budge.

as i waited in line i took a few pictures of the band while they were at the table and zack flashed his flashlight at me as a way to tell me to knock it off and i was shaking lmao

when it was my turn to approach the table i first met spencer who was very friendly, asked what the pin i was wearing said, and joked about signing the item i brought. at which point i have to mention it was a steak dog toy. idk. then i met brendon who at the time was wearing sunglasses someone had given him. he joked "is that a t-bone?". i think he and ryan both said hi too but honestly i was blue screening and shaking so my memory is bad. ryan said "i don't think i've ever signed a steak before!" my memory of jon is that there wasn't really much interaction beyond him signing the item.

after getting your item signed you then got back in line and after everyone was done the table was moved and then each person/group got to have a photo taken with the band taken on the device you brought yourself. most people at my m&g smiled for their photos so as i handed my camera to zack and approached the band i asked if we could make faces and the band obliged. after that i grabbed my camera from zack. i can't remember if we were able to leave right after or if we waited for everyone to be done because my body was in fight or flight mode lol but i remember texting members of my friend group to find out where they were so i could meet up with them again.

overall it was cool and i'm glad i have a memory/photo with pre-split panic but it also was kind of jarring to meet people i idolized. if you had said to me before that, "you know those are just some guys in a band, right?" i would have been like, "obviously i'm not an idiot." but it truly made me realize they were just guys lol also i feel like the dream~* is to meet your faves but m&g's have a mildly awkward vibe to them. like they are transactional interactions (you paid for tickets/photos vs a normal human interaction). idk it wasn't a negative experience but it definitely made me less of a delusional fan if that makes sense. i also was newly 18 so i think i matured a bit. idk i hope this makes sense.

and then like 8 months later the band broke up. :-)

oh! i almost forgot!! who did i like the most? spencer! i went on to meet the band 3 more times, so i met spencer 3 times total and he was always the warmest, it felt like he really tried to connect with each person.

[commajade]

would you have any advice or tips for someone wanting to delve into queer theory? I honestly have no clue how I would go approaching it

i can't necessarily say i'm well versed in queer theory but i can offer some tips for the emotional journey that reading lgbt accounts and opinions can put u through.

1. honestly just read as much as you can and see what people are saying to each other and don't push yourself to form any clear opinions or take anything as truth unless you've fully thought it through. learn the dogwhistles of dangerous groups and avoid them but otherwise just read broadly and think deeply and critically, and form your own opinions slowly and be aware that everyone is kind of wrong and kind of right but to vastly varying degrees. you can start with queer studies primers made in academia and supplement with queer erotic literature/zines/archival work. a comic about gay experience is the same amount queer theory as an academic article is, think slowly about what might shape the authors' points of view of the world based on their positionality (gender, age, class, cultural background). learn the big historical trends like different feminist movements and how they affected queer political life and it'll make interpreting the texts a lot easier.

2. don't go in expecting to find a right answer but there are definitely wrong answers, lgbt existence is a site of conflict. it is a site of struggle and contradiction and co-creation and co-evolution in which words and social formations shift constantly and are highly regionalized. everyone has been arguing with each other over every single part of how we live and talk and interact as long as there have been 2 gay people in the same space together. every site of queerness/gender incorrectness is an individual site of creation and evolution that is also inherently collaborative because we are all doing it at the same time. we are all making a queer life for ourself for the first time, in a way that has never been done before. be aware of the plurality of experience and how every person is a different cross section of time space culture experience that must find their own answers about gender and sexuality. but also there are people that find answers that aid hegemony and serve themselves and the ruling class over the liberation of all people.

3. lgbt topics and issues immediately provoke some of the most intimate and fear/shame steeped places in your intellectual and emotional self. by our existence lgbt people challenge fundamental organizing structures of hegemonic society. morality and punishment, capitalist/colonial family structures and what we think of as a normal life, makes people question and doubt how we identify and categorize human beings, challenges whether the society we live in is structured in a way that actually functions. you will read things about how people live and think and talk and interact and you will have an emotional reaction. feel these deeply and sit with them, investigate the source and see if it is fear and shame from being indoctrinated by a gender oppressive system in which deviant sexuality is inherently dangerous to the social order.

4. remember to read firsthand accounts of lgbt disnefranchised/working class poc because that is where the culture is! struggle with the more cerebral and linguistic aspects of queer theory but sometimes it's just not as important as how poor lgbt people have lived and how we have found joy and love with each other. so much of queer culture as we know it is specifically black trans culture from the world of bars and balls and parties and sex workers, be careful when reading queer theory which is mostly written by middle to upper class white people who wanted their identity to be seen as a legitimate field of study. many works of lgbt academia have that underlying tension of people talking with authority about things they were not historically a part of when there are firsthand accounts u can find. remember that there is an abundance of queer words on the internet, you just have to try a little harder to find and curate it for yourself. try to build a functioning intellectual framework for yourself through which you can slowly learn to discern what is important and true. it's gonna take a while. let it change you!

[iamyelling]

on the kids/parenthood question

i still very much feel on the fence. i finally found a community for people questioning parenthood , on reddit it's called fencesitters. currently lurking, maybe will post someday.

i am .. afraid of what the people in there will say if i write a post. it feels so complicated and i don't know if i'm able to articulate the complexities and nuance.

i. i feel .. i refuse to give up on the world. and i refuse to believe that just because the world sucks and things are very bad, that one should not have a child. i do not see how it is inherently a selfish thing, it seems to be a natural thing. i realize i used to see it as a selfish thing but i don't anymore. i dont really know what changed. i guess learning about reproductive justice, that people should have a right to have children if they want, and to be supported in doing so. i feel.. barred from it. i feel .. left out, for lack of a better word. i feel my choice is taken away and i am not allowed this human experience.

i also fear that i am not Capable of it. the vast majority of my concern is regarding executive function and all the chores and tasks. the next biggest concern is support network, friends, socializing, all the social obligations (this is connected to executive function). the third biggest concern is my own mental health and emotional stability. i am concerned that i am.. going to be This Way forever. or that there is nothing i can do. that i do not deserve to be a parent, or deserve friends or human connection. that i will be evil and toxic and horrible to everyone around me and thus will never have these experiences. that i will just be excluded and barred for life. i am afraid that i am doomed to be trapped and repeat these things..

i am of course afraid of childbirth and to a lesser degree, pregnancy. the tearing and health complications and injury.

i do believe that i would step up and be able to do it. (all the executive function and Task-ing that needs to be done as a parent). i feel i especially would if i had a bit of support. but.. then i become worried about annah's capacity for help and organization and i think about how she does not want kids and how it would require her to be fully excited and committed. i do not think there is anyone else i would want to raise a child with. she is my person.

i have more and more been finding that ... mainstream normie white het cis centrist liberal hegemonic whatever you wanna call it, culture around parenthood, is so not something i relate to or am interested in. and that is a big part of the reason i for a long time felt i did not want kids. the whole .. culture around it, the way the parents identify the way they engage with one another, the way they see themselves and their role in society, the aesthetics and just. so many things. but in pursuing leftist perspectives, and lesbian, and queer, and trans, and Black, and brown and indigenous and interracial, and poor, and immigrant perspectives, i see that it actually quite normal to have no taste for that shit and that disliking it does not mean one shouldn't be a parent or doesn't want kids. so seeing these other perspectives gives me images of what is possible. that i don't have to transform into some other person, i could still be myself.

and i do not believe that someone needs to fully have their life together to have a kid. i don't think you have to be rich and wealthy and all this fancy stuff. because like what, are poor families BAD for having kids?? that's ridiculous. of course not. people of color are not bad or selfish for having kids. and so on. it is normal to want and have kids, it is okay. humans are allowed to want and have kids. it is not some terrible sin to "bring another human into this world". I can understand that other people may feel that way about themselves but I think it becomes problematic when they apply that judgement to others. It can only be a judgement about their own life, it can't be applied to everyone else.

i am of course afraid that i would have a bad time of being a parent. that i would regret it or be depressed or burnt out or something else. dont worry, i read all the stories that i can.

it doesnt feel like a good idea to talk to either of our parents about this. and i have sort of talked to my friends about it but haven't been very supported in these feelings. well one of my friends we had a good talk a few months ago but otherwise yeah. idk.

and annah has asked that i do not discuss it with her for some time. and also that i ought not to be thinking about this when i am so unstable and our relationship is so rocky and we are financially in such a rough spot. so i can't work through these things with her either. and i can't articulate to her my position nor hear hers. since talking about it is off limits for at least a couple more months.

i just. i have to believe that i deserve to have a kid. and hearing annah say that she does believe we would be good parents was incredible. i hang on to it like a locket on my chest. i clutch it. sometimes i feel so strongly i believe so deeply that we would be good parents. and other times i am so afraid that we would be horrible and just continue the cycle. but i guess we all are everyone is and it never stopped our ancestors yknow. the world has never been awesome and great, life has never been easy, it's always been dangerous and scary and tough. why should i see it as different now. just because i know it shouldn't be so terrible? because i know what needs to be done to fix it? because these things shouldn't be happening?

i do desire to be a parent. to raise a person. teach them things, love them, care for them, show them things - places, art, music, life, adventure. i want to do that with annah. i want to make our family. i want to continue our families.

i do not want procreation to be a privilege of the rich and the cis and the straight and the white and the conservative. i do not want it to be reserved just for them. we deserve to have kids too. i want to have a kid.

and also i guess i am worried i just want a kid to prove (to myself? the world?) that i Am Capable of being a parent, of doing it. (not the procreation part, the taking care of them and having my shit together part) which certainly is a bad reason. so now i must dwell on this. do i want it just to be able to say "look i can do it" . as an achievement? i fear my question has so heavily morphed into "am i up to the task of being a parent?" that i have forgotten the focus should be on whether i want to be a parent whether i will enjoy it. i suppose i just worry so much about the tasks and chores involved that i fear i will become bad at it, struggle at it, not be up to the task, find it exhausting and hopeless and overwhelming and depressing and make me burned out. that the question of whether i will be any good at it simply takes precedence over desire.

[mangodestroyer]

Sorry, this got long and rambly. I've been thinking about these things lately.

Goodness! That's another part of it too! Getting placed with the kids who didn't gaf/being barred from SO MANY OPPORTUNITIES to get into the things you might have ACTUALLY cared about more!

Like... even when I DID start taking honors/AP classes in hs... I was still straight-up told I wasn't allowed to do certain things! I still had an academic advisor tell me I wasn't fit for college! And I'm still often dismissed by people who know nothing about me... until they become aware of what I'm doing with my life/realize I'm autistic. Now ig it's okay for me to be autistic because... I can do math? Play an instrument? Have Discworld, LOTR, Dune, some classics, physics textbooks, etc on my bookshelf? Or just because I have odd, yet helpful skills I can provide in the workforce (seriously, my uncanny ability to clean and organize a store in artistic ways is probably some weird autism thing because I've only known of other people on the spectrum who do things like that).

Or maybe some of it is awareness/changing attitudes about mental disabilities. IDK! It sometimes fucks with me that I grew up being treated like such a fuck up, and now I have people doting on my autism like it's some cute and strange quality. Like... would these people actually want to live with me/witness one of my meltdowns? I literally need to be reminded to do certain things and struggle to take care of myself. And I have the emotional regulation of a CHILD. I can't be upset in a normal way... I have whole episodes where I cry for HOURS and act like my life is ruined! And talking and other normal ass things were never even all that natural for me! I mean... I used to be non-verbal/speak in two-word sentences OCCASIONALLY. Trust me... my irl speech sometimes gets SOOOO bad... I'm also in my mid-20s and never learned how to drive! I'm already putting so much energy into other things and honestly... the idea of getting behind the wheel makes me want to cry... the idea of spending HOURS learning how to do something that could easily get myself or others killed/maimed if something goes wrong is too much! Keeping track of what's going on all around me on the road and remembering traffic laws on the spot is... UUUGGGHHH!

Tbh, I sometimes feel like a different species because of all this... just learning how to co-exist with humans the best I can. When it isn't a hurtful existence... it's a strange one. I still feel like I'm from a different world.

But, anyway, I'm so sorry you had to deal with this too! It sucks finding out that certain things just aren't for you because of your disability! After years of work and changing my major a few times, I too have come to find that certain careers and fields of study may not be possible for me! But I also wouldn't dismiss academia entirely! I've known other neurodivergent people with learning disabilities who were also late bloomers like me! One of my childhood friends couldn't solve an algebra problem to save her life! Then she took remedial math in college and got As! Seriously, two years of that at twice the pace of hs level math! Grade school environments aren't exactly inspiring, but some college professors can be awesome!

I mean... I know I just typed up a lot of doom and gloom in the prior post... because having a disability is still a challenging and confusing experience! It took me a long time to realize that I was just going to have to stop fighting with how I naturally am and work to find a lifestyle that would better suit me instead. I've done so much research on niches in the working world that might work for me personally. Along with living situations that might also work better for me. I think this is just something we need to do as ND individuals. Seriously do some soul searching and figure out what might best work for you! I can promise you that grade school, and whatever you were taught by speech or behavioral therapists (if you also had to go to those) aren't always accurate about what the real world is like. If you're from the U.S. like I am... well, we aren't exactly praised for our school system anyway! In all fairness, I think many kids are hurt by it.

Kinda fucked up that we all coo and sympathize with "former gifted kids" but never talk about the students who had to stay late after school or over the summer for remedial classes/clubs, who struggled to get above a C, who were given up on or punished. Who tried so hard to understand or just couldn't. Who were grouped with the "stupid kids" (a classmate called us that in remedial math btw)

Autistic kids and adhders who can't relate to their gifted peers and are constantly alienated by them. Kids who struggled in school due to dealing with a chronic or mental illness or physical/learning/developmental disability. Those of us who have had to drop out of highschool or college. Kids who worked so hard and wanted to be seen as smart, but never were. Who watched as their peers seem to fly by them in school, while they were left behind. Who were bullied and put down by those in the gifted and honors classes. Whose confidence was absolutely destroyed by education.

I love you all and I'm so sorry the school system failed you. I'm sorry you weren't properly accommodated and given the education you deserved. I'm sorry people put you down for something that they never had to fight for.

[bestruction]

How it’d be to watch animes with them

A/N: While i’m working on my Mikasa x reader royal au, this little idea came to my mind. I tried to put the links when i mentioned a specific scene and speak a little about the anime in case you don’t know it.  So here it’s: 

Warnings: Me exposing my otaku self, mentions of 18+ animes (Not hentais) 

Eren -  Kaguya-sama wa Kokurasetai: Tensai-tachi no Renai Zunousen (13+)

A / N: The main characters like each other, but none wants to confess because being the person who takes the first step would also represent being the defeated person. The anime develops in a series of plans that both elaborate to make the other confess their love.

Warnings: None

It was his idea to watch an anime together since the two of you liked it a lot. You saw no harm and agreed to go to sleep with your boyfriend on Friday night. So, you would have the dawn and the weekend to see everything.

“We could watch One piece! Everybody likes"

“In three days ?! We will not finish even if we do not take breaks ”

"Naruto then?"

“Haven't you seen it all five times or more?

"But it is a classic!"

"It is also too long!"

He would sulk when he saw you reject each of his suggestions for being too big animes. The truth was, he was trying to convince you to stay longer. After much searching in the catalog, you choose to watch a short comedy of 12 episodes.

Biggest mistake ever

Eren is already annoying by nature, and after watching Kaguya-sama's two seasons he would spend the day and night trying to get you to confess to him EVEN IF YOU'VE BEEN IN LOVE FOR TWO YEARS AND HE HAS BEEN THE FIRST TO DECLARE. HIT HIM, PLEASE.

"Do you think that using such a low trick will make me give in?"

“Eren, I just got out of the shower. What trick? Wear an outfit? ”

“Showing off your skin won't make you win”

If you wanted to play with him, great. You are going to spend the day in this little game until he gets tired and just hugs you or something because he can't spend a lot of time without touching you. But if you didn't want to, just you could use that touchy side of him against him too.

"Maybe I shouldn't show you anything else then"

"Yes, of course, do- Wait what?"

"You heard"

“NO, BABE! YOU WON! I CONFESS! I LOVE YOU"

Watching anime with him would be quite an experience. For being very verbal, Eren would be the type of person who doesn't shut up watching anything. Especially, something that makes him laugh. You would see him laughing out loud and throwing himself back on the couch or on you, whether you were with him or not. You may even complain, but it would be fun to see him react to everything as immediately and naturally as an unfiltered child.

He will sing ALL the openings for the rest of the days around the house until you are humming some without realizing it.

For some reason, can I imagine him doing Chika dance ?? Yes, please film this big bear dancing like a little girl.

Levi - Death parade 

A / N: Do you want to cry and hurt yourself? This is the right place. Death Parade is a story about what happens after death. The characters are sent to mysterious bars where they will be judged to decide the fate of the souls themselves. (18+)

Warnings: Suicide, depressive themes, mentions of rape and domestic violence

I don't see Levi watching many animes. In fact, I don't see him watching much anything at all. He would be the type of person who can't spend a lot of time in front of the television without feeling like he's wasting time. Which would result in a very selective and demanding taste.

He would always read the reviews about the film, and after watching it, he would make his own. Ever. No exceptions. Unlike Impossible-to-be-quiet-Eren, Levi would be silent to be able to capture and understand all the details. This is interesting because getting his attention is a difficult task. But once it's done, he is 100% focused on the story and immersed in the characters.

So, after reading about it, he would agree to watch Death Parade with you.

He would have low expectations at first, and if the anime failed to hold his very difficult attention in three episodes, he wouldn't even try with the rest.

So when in the first episode, all suspense and doubts left to the viewer entered Ackerman's head, he would finish the other 11 without realizing it.

As a rational person, he would love things that make him think and reflect on the proposed theme. In the case: Life and death.

For some reason, I imagine him as someone who would like to study and read philosophy as a hobby and that he would love Nietzsche? So, you could expect deep conversations after each episode.

But without any arrogance, humanity's strongest soldier might not be the most talkative man in humanity, but surely when he opened his mouth to it, it wouldn’t be to show himself off with something that he knows and you don’t. On the contrary, he would be more than happy to explain if you asked and added your opinion.

He wouldn't cry, but he would be touched by the way the emotions were shown and created in the characters.

He would probably see the scene where Decim cries more than once for being impressed with how the pain of a character who is supposedly not flesh and blood is expressed so well.

And after the anime is over, you would always see him listening to the music of the ice skating scene around the house while doing something.

When you were finished watching everything, you would talk again about the anime. You lying on his chest and he touching his hair, smelling him.

"Do you believe in reincarnation, Levi?"

“If so, I wouldn't go back to this shit a second time. No matter what they offered me ”

"Levi!"

"Unless it was to have you again"

“What a cliché” He would roll his eyes after hearing your response “But I like clichés”

Again, he wouldn't cry, but he would be thinking about how ephemeral things can be, including being alive. Then you can expect a more touchy Levi for a few days.

Jean - Banana Fish 

N / A: Another one to cry and get hurt. Banana Fish is way more than just a story about one character just is hard to define. So in case, you didn’t watch it, here’s the trailer. (18+)

warnings: pedophilia, rape, violence, drugs, your heart being destroyed

You know that guy who says that no yaoi is good, it's just a way to feed a bunch of fujoshi and stuff like that? Jean. It's him. I just know it. So when you suggested Banana Fish and said it was a BL / yaoi, he would probably laugh and ignore the idea.

But after insisting a little and showing him the many compliments that both the anime and the manga received, he would accept.

At first, he wouldn't pay much attention. He really thought it would be just another bad anime. But by the end of the first episode, he would be too involved in the story to stop.

I think he would love crime novels for the same reason that Levi: To think. Try to find out how things are going to end and pick up any clues that the author has left about the ending. So the plot would hold him so much because he would make a ton of theories about the end.

He will ship Ash and Eiji with all his soul. I mean, how can he not ship? To see an anime in which the physical touch between the couple doesn't really happen and still builds a well-developed and healthy relationship would be a new experience for him.

Jean is somewhat similar to Eren in this respect. So you can expect to see him huffing in anger, cursing one of the characters, throwing a pillow away, or using it to hide a tear or two that he would let go of you. The kind of person who gets emotionally involved with the things he watches.

He would cry an entire river after watching the last episode and deny it later.

“I was not crying. The cushion fabric made my eyes itch a lot ”

Show him again and he will cry the same amount and intensity

Armin - Haikyuu

A / N: Considering all the texts on Tumblr for haikyuu characters, I’m pretty sure you know what anime it’s lol (10+)

Armin is an otaku with a license card and no one can change my mind. He would probably start watching it as a child. So, his first animes would be everyone's classics: Naruto, Dragon Ball Z, Bleach, etc.

So it would be normal that as the vast majority, he would continue to have a preference for shounen when he grew up. So it would be your idea to see Haikyuu.

He would have low expectations because he thought it would be just another anime with cute characters for everyone to be thirsty as an inverted harem. And also because the synopsis does not create a strong impression, especially for those who consume shounen daily.

"So we are just gonna see a little boy trying to catch a ball?"

“It's gonna be good! Everyone is talking about it now ”

"Does he have some superpower?"

"No"

"Something scary?"

"Armin, just give a chance!"

He would like it. Did I say he would like it? Because he would love it. The atmosphere created and well developed with such a simple plot would hold his attention well. (Is it possible to dislike Hinata in the first episode?)

It would be a great anime for him to watch because 1. It is different from what he usually sees. Unlike shounen, Haikyuu deals only with real and tangible scenarios. Of course, still with that touch of anime, but it is very easy to recognize yourself in the characters and learn from them and therefore reflect on yourself as well.

It would be great to make him think about his own insecurities and how most of them were inside his head.

He would be so immersed in the anime universe that he would have to pause the game scenes because he would be too nervous waiting for the ball to fall.

You will probably see him taking a deep breath in each drawing scene of the characters and see him truly cheering for the team as if it were a real national game.

More than that, you will see his eyes full of tears when Yamaguchi hit the serve in the match against Aoba johsai.

In fact, Yamaguchi would be his favorite character. No discussions.

"I said it would be good"

"Shut up"

"Make me"

Mikasa - Heaven’s official blessing 

A / N: I'm going to leave the trailer here because I don't know how to define it very well. It's a novel, but the story doesn't focus ONLY on that. (14+)

Okay, you didn't suggest. She did not suggest. So how do you end up watching together? You catch her watching when you come home by surprise lol

Until then, you would know that she watched some anime, but nothing romantic. Never. In fact, that was her little secret.

Although common sense is that Mikasa would be cold even in a modern au (and I agree in parts). I think she would be the type of person who loves to see the sweetest and softest things to melt alone on the couch without anyone seeing. A moment for herself and a part of her that she would not show to anyone.

You would already know about her romantic side, but seeing her under the covers sighing while watching the Netflix special episode is a totally different story.

Please don’t mock her!!. She would be red enough by the time she was discovered.

When she was less shy, she would ask if you want to watch with her. She would say she saw no problem watching it with you again since doing it with you would be a different experience.

If you accept, you would spend the rest of the night in the room sharing a blanket and absorbing the soft atmosphere, the soundtrack, and the Chinese culture so present in history.

She would not speak a lot because she was paying attention, but she would hug you all the time. In the romantic scenes, she would tighten her arms around you a little and sometimes left a kiss on your shoulder.

I think she could relate to Hua Cheng's way of loving. He is always there to protect, care for and see his lover even if sometimes Xie Lian doesn't even know.

And that is what she wants to show you, that more than a girlfriend, she is also someone you can count on.

Days later, you will see her reading the rest of the work around the house because she couldn't stand to wait for a second season.

And later, SURELY melting and vibrating while watching Mo Dao Zu Shi.

[seoloquent]

project: dance, dance, revolution

summary - you hate that ai robots are beginning to take over the entertainment industry, but you have no choice than to help them. but what if it all didn't turn out to be what you thought it was?

pairing - johnny and fem!reader

genre - strangers-to-lovers!au, robot!au, comedy, fluff

word count - 10.101

warnings - cw! food, there might be some grammatical errors... i'm depending on grammarly on this one

author's note - this is for @pastelsicheng's ai project #14320 collab! this was honestly such a challenge for me since i have been in a writing slump for over two years i believe, but i'm glad it gave me the push i need. i am still super rusty, but i think the dialogue is cute, so i'm happy with it! thank you so much emmy for sharing your great idea with everyone, and i hope you all like it!

************************************************************************

Johnny AI AU - seoloquent

Kun was terrified.

Despite experiencing your various emotions throughout the five years of being your manager, he has never seen you this angry before. But, honestly speaking, he couldn’t blame you. He’d be just as mad if he found out his boss went behind his back and signed a contract with a company he hated. As much as he could sympathize with you though, Kun just couldn’t get himself to understand why you were so upset about working with LSM Incorporated. If he were in your shoes, he’d be doing backflips off the wall! The amount of exposure, and revenue you are potentially going to be receiving… Kun just does not understand what the problem is.

Although your strides were long and strong, Kun was able to keep up with you while making sure he kept his distance, as if a dark cloud followed behind you. As cautious as he was to not have you blow up at him, he still tried to convince you to not make a scene within the conference room by his desperate protests; in which you kindly ignored. Every single word that left his mouth went through one ear and straight out the other as you paid him no mind. You were in a tunnel vision; the only person you wanted to talk to right now was your boss.

Pushing the door open with much force (that Kun had to catch before it slammed onto the wall behind it), you caught the attention of the CEO of your company, as well as Lee Soo Man of LSM Inc. They flashed pleasant smiles your way, completely oblivious of your angry state.

“Y/N, just the person we wanted to se-”

“Are you serious?!” You slammed the contract papers down on the table, your eyes wide and fierce as they stared into your boss’s eyes.

Your emotions were still fresh from when you first received the signed contract papers from Kun about an hour prior. The feelings of betrayal and violation lingered within you, and the uneasiness it caused made you sick. How could someone lack so much human decency that they justified going behind their employee’s back, an employee that has their trust in them at that, and force them into labor; which they have already voiced that they did not want to do? It baffled you, and you were hurt, as you believed that you and your CEO had a great business relationship. But he took that open communication for granted and took advantage of you.

After realizing that you stormed in with anger rather than excitement, he pursed his lips and looked down at the papers, chuckling to himself. “Oh. So you’re still opposed to the idea.”

You couldn’t believe your ears. “Of course I am!” Your voice rose as your eyes grew bigger. “You never talked to me about it again after the first time; what made you think that I changed my mind?”

“Y/N, I have to get you to notice that you are not the only one signed to this company. This will not only be good exposure for you, but for us as well.” He justified. He kept his voice calm, not only to calm you down but also to keep a professional demeanor in front of his newly established business partner.

“Oh, so you’re doing this for yourself?”

“Of course not! This is for the benefit of not only you, not only me, but for the company as a whole.” Your CEO reasoned. Before you could respond, he cleared his throat and turned to Lee Soo Man. “I’m sorry, but will you excuse us for a moment? I don’t feel comfortable having this conversation in front of you as our partner.”

Normally, you would be embarrassed that you presented this side of yourself in front of a potential partner, but embarrassed in front of Lee Soo Man? You care more about a monkey’s opinion about yourself more than his opinion. Besides, it doesn’t seem like he’s phased by your reaction at all. Strangely enough, when you turned toward the founder of LSM Inc., you realized that his arrogant smile had never left his face since the moment you stormed into the conference room. It gave you chills. He seems so artificial that you wouldn’t be surprised if he turned out to be a robot himself.

After Lee Soo Man gave his, “No problem,” your boss stood up from his seat and escorted you both outside the conference room. The moment the door closed, your boss’s true emotion started to show. His eyes grew wide and his fingers grabbed onto his freshly trimmed strands as he breathed out a heavy breath of frustration. Equally as frustrated, if not more, you crossed your arms and made sure your gaze was unwavering; something you needed to learn after being manipulated many times from past experiences with people who work within the entertainment industry. You stepped your metaphoric foot down. Even if your boss had signed a contract without your acknowledgment, you were not going to do the job. That’s not your signature on the papers.

“Are you crazy Y/N?!” He yelled in a hushed tone, careful to not have anyone overhear your conversation. “How could you act like that in front of him?”

“Do I not have a right to be angry? You sold me away to a robot company Jack, a robot company!” You slapped the back of your hand on your other palm, now physically unable to withhold your emotions.

“I didn’t sell you away, you’re getting paid to do this job.” He spat. Now self-aware of how uncivil and unprofessional he was being, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath to ease his nerves. You are going to get nowhere if you bickered like this, and if you keep it up, he knows he is going to say something he regrets.

Now keeping his tone soft, he revealed, “I chose you because you’re the best for this job.”

“Aren’t there other artists under this label who could do this? I’m sure they’re more willing to work with LSM than I am.” You matched his tone, hoping that this time you could get through to him.

“Those other artists can’t produce the same product as you can.” Jack shook his head disapprovingly. “Listen Y/N, I don’t want to waste any more of Mr. Lee’s time, so I’m going to make this short. I apologize in advance if you find any offense in this, but business is business.” You stared intently into his eyes, in hopes to understand where he was going with his next sentence, but his expression could not be read.

“If you can’t do this job, then I’m afraid that I’ll have to drop you from this label.”

You never knew what people meant by having their hearts drop down to their stomachs until now. You felt as if the wind was knocked out of you, your breath short and shaky and your knees weak. All these years�� all this work you put in to make a name not only for yourself but for this company… it baffled you that all that effort could be thrown away so easily, just because of some AI company.

As much as you wanted to keep standing up for yourself and your role in the company, you knew there was no use. Your boss didn’t seem to give you a choice either, seeing that he walked back into the conference room shortly after his bombshell. The only thing you could find yourself doing is laughing bitterly to yourself while shaking your head. What in the world are you going to do now?

***

Maybe it isn’t such a good idea to go to a bar when you’re in a bad mood. The constant noise of chatter and the clinking of glasses did not soothe your nerves one bit. Rather, it made you even more annoyed, and on the brink of yelling out at everyone to just be quiet. Instead of making a fool of yourself in public though, you sat with your head under your arms, forehead resting on the cool surface of the bar. Kun, your designated moral support, sat next to you, tapping his glass of whiskey as he thought of what to say to you.

“So, what are you gonna do?”

That simple yet oh so effective sentence had you throwing your head back and releasing a loud groan. Your reaction had your manager shrugging, his face reading, ‘What did I do?’ You rested your cheeks on the palms of your hands as you thought: ‘What can I do?’

Gazing off into a space of nothing, you replied: “I dunno.” You shook your head, your hands still on either side of your face as you deadpanned. “I have no idea what I’m gonna do.” After a moment, something clicked in your head, and you set your arms down and turned to Kun. “Do you want to bail on them and start a company with me?”

He snorted at the inquiry. “You know we can’t do that! At least not right now. It’s way too last minute.”

You looked down at your arms with a sad expression and sighed. “You’re right.” Not only would it be an impulsive decision, but you had no motivation in you to own a whole entertainment company. “What am I gonna do?!” You cried out, your hands covering your face to hide your shame.

“Hey, hey, hey! Stop the whining!” Kun took your hands away from your face, revealing the pout on your face. “Everything is going to be fine! I’m sure of it.”

Kun, a big pep-talk kind of man, was always ready to reassure you when you were in doubt. And boy was he good at it. You still remember when you were growing anxious before your first big concert at an arena. The staff ran around the whole place frantically trying to find where you ran off to. Thankfully, your trustee manager was able to find your hiding spot, which was beside a vending machine in an empty hallway. His comforting words found a way to ease your speedy heart rate, and clear up your clogged mind. After that day, you knew you could always go to him when you were feeling down or unsure of yourself. He’s a friend you could always lean on.

“How are you so sure?” You asked, your voice so small that he almost missed the question.

“Think about it,” he set his glass to the side and folded his hands together, “this contract is only valid for six months. It’s not like you’re going to be working there forever.”

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes. “I know that; but still! I don’t want to do it at all!”

“You never know what will happen until you try though! You might end up liking it.” He nudged your elbow as he flashed a convincing smile.

“Me? Liking it?” You scoffed. “Kun, do you even know me?”

He pursed his lips and sighed. This situation was foreign to him since he always knew what to say. But now, it seemed like everything he was saying was making the situation worse. He wanted nothing more than for you to feel comfortable, but that mission is basically impossible knowing how much you oppose the AI industry. But still, Kun is a persistent man. He wasn’t going to back down just yet.

Finally, something clicked.

“Actually, your idea doesn’t sound half bad.” You cocked a curious eyebrow, surprised that he brought up something you spurted out carelessly. “Think about it: you’re still your own person. Even though you’re technically bound by a contract doesn’t mean that you can’t make a decision on your own. He did give you the choice to leave.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “So you’re saying that I should just leave the company?”

He shook his head. “No. What I’m doing is offering a deal. I want you to try to work with LSM for at least three months. If you try it, you might like it! If not, I will quit with you, and we can try to start a company on our own; which I know we both don’t want. But hey, that might be fun too.”

You thought about the proposal for a moment. It wasn’t too much of a bad idea. It was actually quite reasonable. Yeah, you aren’t looking forward to being surrounded by robots and their arrogant creators, but you guess that it’s worth a try. Just for the experience at least.

“I think we have a deal.” You held your hand out.

He took your hand in his and gave it a firm shake.

“Pleasure doing business with you, partner.”

***

You shivered upon entering the entertainment wing of LSM Inc. You were told that the lab would be a bit chilly, which is why you brought a jacket with you, but the cool air still found a way to nip at your skin through the material. You have to say, the lab was not what you expected it to be. Rather than it being some cold, plain science lab, it was made out to be much more casual. Your eyes settled on what looked like a lounge area for the employees, and you watched carefully as they conversed with one another with soft smiles on their faces. Scanning the place even further, you came across capsule areas, in which you assume where the AI robots stayed. As cool as the dome building seemed, you still couldn’t shake off the grudge you had against the company.

“Oh, you’re here!” A man holding a clipboard exclaimed. He ran over to you and Kun, flashing a bright smile. “Mr. Lee told me that we were to be expecting you both. I was hoping to greet you at the main lobby entrance, but I got caught up in another situation, so I apologize. My name is Kim Doyoung, I’ll be your guide for the day.” He politely held his hand out, and you shook it while replying with a small, “Hello.”

“We’re pleased to have you here with us Ms. Y/N. Please, follow me.” He motioned both of you to follow him. “I must say, I’m a huge fan of your music. I’m really happy that you decided to work with us for the next comeback.”

“Oh. Don’t mention it.” You shook your head while smiling slightly.

As Doyoung lead you to wherever he was leading you, he pointed out different areas to help you grow familiar with the lab. You learned that they have many recording and dance studios like regular companies do. You couldn’t help but wonder why, since they could just be programmed to sing the songs, but you didn’t bother to ask.

Finally, Doyoung stopped at a station, but his bright expression was replaced by a puzzled one. He looked around as if he were looking for someone. You, on the other hand, couldn’t help but stare at what stood before you. The tall human-like… thing, stared right back at you with a neutral expression. It gave you chills how real he seemed; like he could walk past you on the street and you wouldn’t bat an eye. Despite how anxious it made you feel, your curiosity outweighed that emotion, and you inched closer to get a better look.

Your tour guide caught you eyeing the bot, and that smile found its way back onto his face. He heard that you might be a bit opposed to working with the AI’s, so he was glad to find you expressing some sort of interest in their prized possession.

“He’s so human-” As if in a trance, you reached out a hand to touch the robot, but it suddenly stepped back just before you got to it.

“I’m sorry, but physical touch is not allowed unless permitted.” The robot announced before flashing a commercial smile.

Doyoung’s chuckled beside you. “For the safety of our bots, we have prohibited anyone from touching them.” He leaned in to add, “Too many fans at fansigns got touchy-feely.” He shook his head disapprovingly.

“Eager to get a feel of my bot already?” You heard a voice from behind you.

When you turned around, you felt as though you got whiplash. The man standing behind you looked identical to the robot standing before you. The only difference was that the robot had blonde short hair and was styled in fancy clothing whilst the man had long brown hair and didn’t seem to care much about what he had on. He had his hands in the pockets of his gray sweatpants, a sly smirk plastered on his face.

“You’re late.” Doyoung deadpanned.

“I’m not late, I was taking a nap in the Pod, and nobody cared enough to wake me up!” The mystery man shrugged.

Finally, you snapped back into reality, but you still had to verify that what you were seeing was real. When you finally accepted what was going on, you couldn’t help but laugh.

“How cute.” You snickered to yourself.

A puzzled expression masked the mystery man’s face. “What’s cute?”

“What is this? The Man and the Muppet?” Your comment had Kun nudging your arm and shooting you a warning look to which you responded with an apologetic gaze.

Not giving the mystery man any time to respond (merely because he does not have the patience), Doyoung spoke up. “This is Suh Youngho, he’s the head AI Developer of our department. He’s the creator of #S127.” Youngho put his hands behind his back and bowed as his greeting.

“I’m guessing his name is Youngho as well?” You pointed to the robot, still standing expressionless.

“He wishes, but no, we call him Johnny!” Youngho swung an arm over his identical twin of a robot, smiling brightly. “After a long and hard fight for it, he will be releasing his first solo album this year.” He wiped a fake tear from under his eye. “Johnny here is my firstborn, so this is going to be really special.”

“And you’re going to help us make it very special!” Doyoung cheered.

“Actually, speaking of that, what exactly am I supposed to be doing? Wouldn’t it just be easier for me to give you guys a demo and you program him to sing it or something?” You asked.

Doyoung was quick to answer. “That would defeat the purpose of AI robots actually! The thing is, they’re supposed to learn to adapt to certain environments, like we do! So they learn how to sing songs and how to dance complex choreography just like we do.”

This time, Kun was the one to ask a question. “Aren’t you guys just putting more work upon yourself?”

“Yes, and no,” Youngho started, “It’s like a domino effect. The more work we give our bots means more research that needs to be done. The more research that is done, means there’s more data we get. The more data we get means a more refined bot, and then it loops.” Kun opened his mouth in an ‘ah’ shape and nodded his head after the explanation. “Hopefully we can get this bad boy to the point where we don’t have to do any more research and he can be a successful artist on his own.”

Even though this was all very interesting, you still couldn’t help but still be opposed to the thought of helping a robot making it in the entertainment industry. You caught a glimpse of the future as you fell into a daydream: AI’s getting a full sweep in wins at big music award shows, discrediting those who actually put their heart and soul into their work. Robots don’t have a heart, nor do they have a soul. Even if they do seem to “work hard,” they will never be on the same level as a human artist. It just won’t be fair, but what even is fair these days?

“So, to answer your question, we need Johnny to learn what it’s like to be a true singer-slash-songwriter. And to achieve that, he’ll be staying with you for the duration of the six months before his solo debut.” Doyoung’s words snapped you out of your daydream and you turned to him with furrowed brows.

“Oh, so this is going to be like ‘Take your robot to work day’ or something? But just for six months instead?” You questioned.

Doyoung looked up as he thought, nodding and shrugging seconds afterward. “Well, yes, but we were hoping that Johnny could get the full package. We planned for him to stay with you 24/7 so that he could really get a feel of your creative process.”

You did a double-take, eyes wide and mouth agape showcasing your shock.

“E-Excuse me? You mean to say that he will be… living with me?” You spoke low and slow, scared of the obvious answer.

You didn’t see anything about this in the contract papers; not that you read it anyway since you weren’t the one who signed them; but still! You could feel your heart race as you thought of him living in your apartment, those brown soulless eyes studying every move you made. The vision made you shudder.

“Affirmative.” Youngho nodded firmly.

Your heart wanted to burst out of your chest. “I’m sorry, but can you guys excuse us for a moment? I need to speak with my manager in private.” You said just before taking Kun’s hand and dragging him somewhere where the two scientists wouldn’t be able to hear your conversation.

“I’m living with the robot?!” You whisper yelled, careful to not have anyone nearby hear your anguish.

“In my defense, I had no idea about this.” Kun shook his head with his hands up.

You paced back and forth as you panicked. You lifted your hands, but not knowing what to do with them, you just clenched them into a fist. It seemed like your life was spiraling out of your control. Nothing is going your way, and it is driving you insane. You need to get your life back in order fast. If not, who knows what will happen?

“I swear, if he wasn’t the one paying me, I would kill Jack right now.” You grumbled.

“Hey, it’s not like Johnny is a real guy. I doubt he would try to do anything to hurt you.” Kun tried his best to reassure you, but it was not doing much to help.

“You don’t know that! We don’t know what those guys are capable of!” You pointed toward Doyoung and Youngho. “That Doyoung guy is nice, but I don’t know if I can trust him. And Youngho seems like he’s gonna be a handful.” You stared at the said man as he and Doyoung bickered, probably about him being late again.

Kun turned his head to see the two men bickering, and the only thing he could do was chuckle. “I think they should be the least of your worries.” His comment made you sigh deeply. “You’ll be fine, I promise you!” He put his hands on your arms to steady you, but you avoided his gaze as you stared down at your feet with a pout on your face. “You know I’m always on speed dial if you need me.”

You nodded your head, still avoiding his gaze.

“Hey,” his call made your eyes meet his. “If all goes wrong, we can always dump a bucket of water over ‘em.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at the comment. “Yeah, and then we’ll get sued and possibly go to jail.”

Kun smacked his lips and said, “Eh, I’m sure they’ll be able to fix the guy. A little water can’t do that much damage.” He stepped back and shoved his hands into his pockets. After a small moment of silence, he kicked your shoe gently. “So what do you say? You’re still gonna do it, or no?”

A groan erupted from your chest, and you brought your hands down your face out of frustration. You really don’t want to do this, but a deal is a deal.

“Three months. I’m giving three months.”

“That’s my girl!”

***

You found yourself pacing around your apartment in the early morning. It has been about a week since you first spoke with LSM Inc. From this day forward for the next six months (or three months you hoped), Johnny would be shadowing you at all times. You were a nervous wreck since you didn’t know what to expect from living with a robot. What if he suddenly malfunctioned and they blamed it on you? You can’t handle this type of responsibility. Or what if he malfunctioned and started acting violently toward you?

“Snap out of it!” You whisper yelled at yourself, hitting your temple with your knuckles. You always tend to scare yourself when you’re nervous. Everyone you have spoken to about this matter has told you that you had nothing to worry about, so you made it your goal to not worry. But why is it so hard?

DING!

You swore your heart jumped out of your chest when your doorbell suddenly sounded throughout your home. As much as you wanted your heart rate to calm down, it only began to race faster the closer you got to your door. When your hand touched the gold knob, you closed your eyes and took a deep breath, then you finally opened the door.

Two identical men stood before you, flashing the same bright smile.

“Good morning to you!” Youngho greeted you cheerfully, to which you replied with a dazed “Morning,” before allowing them inside.

You eyed the two men as they entered your living room, confused as to why they were the only ones here. “Where is Mr. Kim?”

Youngho cocked an eyebrow before turning around to face you. “Who?”

“Your coworker. Doyoung, I believe his name is?” You answered.

“Oh!” He let out a hearty laugh. “You don’t have to call him that, it makes him sound old. And I’m older than him, so that kind of hurts my feelings.” He joked, but the only thing you could find yourself doing was nodding your head and looking away.

Sensing your discomfort, he cleared his throat before answering your question. “He’s busy back at the lab. I’m here to make sure John is all set before I leave him in your care.” You winced at his words. It only added to the overwhelming weight on your shoulders.

“Why do you ask? Did you grow fond of him already?” He slung his backpack from around his shoulder onto the floor. You peeked inside when he zipped it open, finding wires bunched inside.

“Uh, no, I wouldn’t say that.” You let out a nervous laugh. “I just find it a bit overwhelming with only you two here.”

A smirk grew on his face. “So, you’re overwhelmed by my great looks huh?” He flipped his hair and shrugged as if it was inevitable to be starstruck by him.

“I look exactly like you,” Johnny spoke for the first time since entering your home.

You had to hold back a laugh at the sudden comment, and Youngho’s reaction didn’t make it any easier.

“So? You’re inspired by me, so therefore I take the credit of our looks!” He stuck his nose up in Johnny’s face. When the scientist turned back toward you, he realized you were holding back a laugh as your pursed your lips and looked away. “What? You find this funny?”

You put your hand up and shook your head. “No, no.”

Youngho was happy to find you in a better mood than when you first met. Sure, you’re still on the shy side, but at least you’re laughing instead of frowning like the first time. He heard that you weren’t exactly on board with working with LSM, so he made it his goal to have this be an enjoyable experience for you. He hopes that one day your negative opinions about AI’s would change. They’re as special to him as music is to you.

“I need to set up Johnny’s things. Is it okay if you tell me where he’s allowed to sleep?” Youngho asked.

You tilted your head to the side, a puzzled expression finding its way on your face. “He sleeps?”

“Yeah!” Youngho nodded simply. “It’s like setting your computer on sleep mode. Machines need rest as much as we do. Johnny here is a hardworking man, he deserves to sleep.”

You supposed he was right. He might break easier if his gears were running constantly. Plus, he was made to function as a human, but you didn’t know that it was to this extent. To say the least, you were impressed at the attention to detail.

You motioned the two to your guest bedroom, and immediately Youngho got to work. Johnny stood next to you as the both of you spectated Youngho’s work, but you were shortly distracted by the robot.

You peered up at the tall machine with a curious gaze, and he turned to you with a kind smile.

“So, I’m not sure if this is an inappropriate question or not, but I’m curious.” Johnny nodded for you to go on. “Should I, like… talk to you like Siri? Or can I talk to you like a normal person?”

You were startled to hear Youngho’s loud snort in the corner of the room, but instead of him being the one to answer, Johnny did.

“You can talk to me like a normal person, don’t worry.” Johnny shook his head. “If it makes you comfortable, you can view me as a human if you’d like. I’m not that much different than you actually. We’re just wired differently.”

“Hey,” Youngho’s stern voice caught both of your attention. “Be proud of who you are, whether you are a human or robot. We’ve been through this John.”

Johnny nodded. “Right, right. My apologies.”

Youngho hated it when Johnny tried to tell others to view him as a human. Not because he believed that Johnny was trying to fool people, but because being a robot is his identity, and he should be proud of that. Sure, it’s not likely that Johnny could feel the feeling of pride, but Youngho could tell that Johnny was insecure. It worried him, but he didn’t want to tap into his database to change anything since he wants Johnny to be as authentic as possible. So for now, Youngho is keeping track of Johnny’s growth as an AI person.

Soon, Youngho was finished with setting up Johnny’s station. In the corner of the guestroom stood a white podium with a screen built in the middle of it. He let out a deep breath of satisfaction as he stepped back and dusted his hands off.

Before you could ask what it was, Youngho was already answering your unspoken question. “This is Johnny’s Communication Center. Every night he’ll have to transfer data from his system so that we’ll know what he’s been up to and see if he’s made any improvements. That’s if he’s not with me at the lab.” Suddenly, his face grew serious. “For legal reasons, I have to let you know that this station is strictly off-limits. There’s confidential information in here that belongs to LSM Inc.”

Even though you were curious, the last thing you wanted to do was get involved with the law, so you took note of his warning. Hopefully, it isn’t something regarding the invasion of privacy.

You shook your head before you could scare yourself even further. Positive thoughts. Think positive thoughts.

“Alright, on that note, I think my work here is done!” Youngho announced. “Can I talk with you in private?” He asked suddenly, pointing a finger at you.

“Me?” You had to double-check whether he was really talking to you or not. He chuckled as he nodded his head, confirming your wonders. “Oh, okay.”

You followed the man out of the room, leaving Johnny to check out the place he’ll be living in for the next few months.

After the two of you reached your living room, Youngho began to speak. “Hey, so, I really want to thank you for working with us on this project. I heard that you’re not the biggest fan of AI’s, so I was surprised to hear you signed the contract.”

You held back from rolling your eyes as the memories of your boss came up. “It’s not like I really had a choice.” You smiled softly and shook your head.

He tilted his head in confusion. “What do you mean by that?”

You tensed up when you realized what you just said. As much as you did not want to do this job, you made it your goal to remain as professional as possible for the sake of your reputation. After working in the entertainment industry for some years, you learned to keep your personal feelings apart from your job. If- no, when you do end up quitting the job after three months, at least LSM won’t be able to say anything negative about you.

Refraining from explaining yourself, you shook your head once more. “Nevermind what I said. Johnny will be safe in my care!”

Youngho pouted, his eyes scanning your face. He wanted you to elaborate, but he had no time to talk further. He needed to get back to the lab.

“Well, I hope so. Call me if you need anything. I need to get going.”

Nodding, you waved goodbye to him before seeing him off. Your feet ended up taking you back to your guest bedroom, where you found Johnny sitting at the end of the bed, staring at the wall in front of him. You caught his attention after you cleared your throat, and instead of staring at you with that lifeless gaze, he smiled brightly.

You mustered up the courage to walk up to him, still stopping some feet away though. Crossing your arms, you tried to think of what to say. While you thought, he examined your face, trying his best to read your expression so he to could come up with something to talk about. The silence was awkward for you, but Johnny never sensed the discomfort. He was happy to be here with you. You are the gold coin on his road to success, so he decided to cherish you.

“So… it’s quite early and I usually don’t head to the studio until the evening. Is there anything you wanted to do?” You asked.

“There isn’t anything I can think of…” he shrugged his shoulders.

Suddenly, your stomach grumbled and your hand covered it as a reflex. You were so nervous this morning that you didn’t have much of an appetite, but hunger was catching up to you now.

“I didn’t have breakfast yet.” You laughed nervously. “Are you… able to eat anything?” You felt weird asking such a question since he’s a robot after all, but who knows what he can and cannot do? Technology is so advanced these days. Besides, isn’t he made to live like a human anyway?

In all truthfulness though, Johnny isn’t allowed to eat-- sometimes. In special cases, he can nibble on a snack, but eating a full course meal was a no-go. But Johnny was aware of your discomfort of being with him, and he was determined to make you feel the opposite. As long as he doesn’t clog his gears, taking the risk should be okay.

“I know of this breakfast house Youngho likes to go to every now and then. Do you want to go there?”

Your face lit up at the suggestion. You were more excited at the thought of being around others rather than eating. Being in the house alone with Johnny was really starting to suffocate you, and you needed out immediately. Maybe some fresh air and being surrounded by humans will make you feel somewhat better.

The two of you were quick to leave the apartment after you accepted the offer. Johnny led the way to the restaurant, and on your way, he let you know that it was not far from your home. Come to find out, it was within walking distance. You wondered how you never noticed the humble breakfast house, but after thinking about it for a while, you realized that you are always on the go. Ever since you moved to your apartment, you never took the time to stop and get to know your surroundings.

“What’s wrong?” Johnny’s question snapped you out of your thoughts.

“Huh? Oh… nothing, just thinking.” Finally, you noticed that you were standing in front of the restaurant. “Let’s head inside.”

Surprisingly, Johnny was easy to talk to. Even though he had somewhat awkward responses to your questions, it was never boring or dry. You got to know about his life in the lab, and even how Youngho decided to grow his hair out because people mistook him for Johnny so many times. His story was so interesting, and it kept you on your toes, itching to hear more. It was beyond what you could ever imagine.

“So what is your goal?” You suddenly asked.

He tilted his head in curiosity. “Can you elaborate for me please?”

“You know, like what’s your goal as a singer? Or even just as a living being?”

He sat back in his seat as he pondered on the simple, yet deep question. It’s something he’s never had time to think about. Actually, it’s something he never considered thinking about. Ever since he was first powered up, he has always been working. But working towards what, is the question he began to ask himself.

“I… honestly don’t know.” He shook his head after moments of thinking.

“Really?” Your eyes grew wide at his response. “If that’s the case, then why do you expect to learn how to write music? You need to have some desire or passion to do so.”

He crossed his arm over his chest and rested his chin on his other hand. “I guess you’re right… But how do I find out what my goal is?”

You shrugged your shoulders. “What are you living for? What’s your purpose? You have to ask yourself these types of questions.”

It worried Johnny that he didn’t have a passion despite calling himself a music artist. But he knew he needed to figure it out fast because he really does want to be successful in this field. But is there anything really to work for being the person he is?

***

The next day, you were back at the lab for Johnny’s first checkup. The first night at the studio was not a success, which wasn’t surprising considering that he had nothing to write about. This was exactly what you were afraid of. No matter how busy he might be, he hasn’t gotten the real human experience, so what really can he write about? Hard drives and wires?

“Hey Babysitter!” Youngho greeted you cheerfully after spotting you and Johnny some feet away.

You furrowed your eyebrows. “Babysitter?”

“Yeah, you are taking care of my kid after all.” He laughed, ruffling Johnny’s hair, to which Johnny slapped his hand away. “How was the first day?”

You sighed deeply, thinking about yesterday’s events. “It went okay, but we made no progress in the studio.”

Youngho smacked his lips. “Well, that’s alright. We still have six months ahead of us. There’s still time left.”

“That’s true.” You nodded your head. “But on the bright side, Johnny treated me to the best breakfast I had in a while! So brownie points for that.”

Your words came out too fast for Johnny to stop you. He froze, his hand slapping his mouth in shock. He is dead meat.

“He didn’t eat with you, did he?” Youngho blinked at you. Sensing the tension in the air, you nodded slowly, but kept your mouth shut. “Oh my-” Youngho stepped back as if he was about to faint.

He clenched his fist against his forehead and squeezed his eyes shut. You felt like you did something wrong, but you just couldn’t figure out what. You were sure Johnny would tell you if you did.

“Johnny, just head to the back, okay?” Youngho said, his eyes still closed.

“Yes sir.” Johnny rushed away without another word.

“Did I do something wrong...?” You asked shyly.

“No you didn’t, don’t worry.” Youngho sighed. “He knows better. If he eats too much he could clog his gears. But mostly, I just hate cleaning him out, it’s so tedious!” He groaned at the thought of all the clumps of food he has to take out.

“Oh my gosh! I wouldn’t have let him if I have known!” You exclaimed.

Youngho shook his head. “It’s okay, you didn’t know. He seems to be functioning well, so he should be fine.”

You were worried at the thought of Johnny breaking while under your supervision. Imagine getting sued by a company that handles AI’s? Your life would be over! You can’t let that happen, you won’t allow it to happen.

“Is there any way for me to know if he’s okay or not? Like does he feel pain or no?” You asked. You needed to know just in case you had to rush back to the lab if anything happens. You’re not going to be the blame for anything.

“Yes, and no.” Youngho went on to explain. “He can feel you if you tap him on the shoulder, but if you punch him, it’ll still feel like a mere tap. But the only time he does feel pain is when something in his system malfunctions.” You tilted your head, still not catching on. He found your expression cute, and he couldn’t hold back a smile. “Just think about it: when you’re using your phone, it can feel your taps as you scroll. But if you drop it on the ground, you don’t hear it screaming out in pain.”

“Ah, I think I get it now!” You nodded your head fervently.

“Right! But we did program him to feel some type of pain just so we will know if something wrong is happening to the important parts.”

“That makes a lot of sense… Man, you guys really have it all laid out huh?” You couldn’t help but be impressed at the amount of thought that went into creating Johnny.

“Yeah, well, it’s nothing much.” Johnny shoved his hands in his pockets as he shrugged nonchalantly. As laid back as he was acting, nothing could hide the blush that crept onto his face. He’s a sucker for people acknowledging his work.

“Well, as much as I want to argue with you about that, I have to get to my schedule! Kun is waiting for me outside and I can’t keep him waiting. I’ll be back soon!” You waved as you began to walk away.

Youngho waved back to you as he watched you exit the lab. He sighed to himself, not knowing what he was going to do with Johnny. But knowing that it is best to get the job done now rather than later, Youngho dragged his feet to the operation room where Johnny would be waiting.

Johnny tensed up once Youngho entered the room, and he avoided eye contact in hopes he wouldn’t blow up at him. Thankfully, Youngho didn’t have the energy to yell.

“Why did you do that?” The scientist asked simply.

“She was uncomfortable and hungry, so it was the only thing I could think of.” Johnny justified his past actions, but Youngho wasn’t having any of it.

“Let’s just get this over with, and then we’ll check your data.” Youngho sighed as he started to prep for the cleanup.

“Wait, wait! I have a question.” Johnny stopped him. “Do you have a goal?”

Youngho was taken aback by the sudden question. “Yes… I think so? I guess it depends on what the goal is for.” He wasn’t very sure if he had a set goal, but he did know that he is satisfied where he is right at this moment. The only thing he is concerned about is making sure #S127 remains on the rise.

“Do you think… I’m able to have a goal?”

“You can have the goal of winning a Grammy!” Youngho suggested.

Johnny scoffed. “Well, yeah, but I’m talking about for myself. Am I able to find a goal or a passion at least for myself?”

Youngho blinked at his robot. He was at a loss for words. It seems like a simple yes or no question, but there are levels to it. The right answer to this question was up in the air somewhere, and Youngho was finding a hard time finding it. What in the world did you do to his bot?

“I’m sure you can if you put your mind to it,” Youngho answered. He grabbed his phone and began texting you, suggesting that the two of you grab coffee when you get back to the lab. He needed to talk to you to figure out the meaning behind Johnny’s words.

Some hours later, you were at a Starbucks near the lab sitting across from Youngho. You were nervous you did something bad after all, but you couldn’t get yourself to figure out what you’ve done. But thankfully, Johnny was the first to speak.

“So, Johnny asked me a question that kind of shocked me. I’m supposing you asked him the same question yesterday.” He began.

“What question are you talking about?” You asked.

“If he has a goal. He’s been thinking about it really hard.”

You felt as if a huge weight was lifted off your shoulders. You thought of something way worse, even though you talked to Johnny a handful of times yesterday, and the conversations the two of you had were never bad or questionable. Your nervousness always found a way to get to you still.

“Well yeah! He needs to have a passion in order to be a real artist. And to have a passion, he needs to have a goal.” You nodded.

“Are you sure he can have a passion? He’s a robot.”

You were surprised at his response. “Aren’t you the one who created him? I thought you would know this! Writing songs isn’t just jotting down words on a piece of paper you know. It’s much more to it than that.”

Youngho sighed. You’re right, and it bothered him. It’s not you that he’s bothered by, but the fact that he really doesn’t have everything figured out. He’s so used to being a genius and having questions answered before people could even ask them, but the fact that he doesn’t have an answer prepared for something as simple as this messed with his head. How did he expect to make a successful idol group if his idols can’t even write music on their own?

“I could always just give you a song to use.” You suggested.

“No, I don’t want that,” Youngho answered quickly. “We do that every comeback. We need to actually make some improvements.”

You took a sip of your coffee as you watched Youngho try to figure out what to do. You knew Johnny writing his own song was too good to be true, but you have to admit, there is a part of you that believes in him. If he can read and understand human emotion, there are chances for him to be able to write a decent song.

“What was your purpose in making Johnny and the other guys in the group?” You asked suddenly.

Youngho frowned at the memories that came up in his mind. “I actually didn’t create Johnny and the others to be idol singers.” You furrowed your eyebrows at the bombshell. “I actually intended for them to be soldiers.”

Your jaw dropped. You would have never thought of #S127 fighting in a war. It’s a complete 180 from what they are doing right now.

“What made you change your mind?!” To say you were shocked would be an understatement.

“I didn’t change my mind.” He laughed. “The government rejected my offer, but they told me about LSM Inc. and now here I am. Lee Soo Man suggested that I use my bots to make an idol group, and I wanted nothing to do with it. But it was either I make a group, or be broke with robots that have no purpose.”

So he was in a similar situation that you’re in right now. It made you feel happy to see that he seems to enjoy his current circumstances, but still, you can’t get yourself to accept that you have to share competition with AIs who can’t even figure out how to write a song on their own. Despite that, you were growing fond of Johnny, and you wanted him to be able to find his passion. He’s the only AI you would allow to win.

“I would have never thought of Johnny being a soldier.” You laughed, shaking your head. “Considering that this is your current circumstance, you need to figure out if they’re able to create their own goals for themselves. I understand the base goal is to win awards at big music shows and hit the charts, but there needs to be a better foundation.”

Youngho couldn’t help but admire you as you gave your advice. Not only are you beautiful, but you’re thoughtful, and the more you spoke, the more it attracted him to you. Where were you when he needed you the most? The company has worked with so many different artists before you, but you’re the only one that is actually helping. He just wanted to take you into his arms and thank you repeatedly at this moment.

From here on out, Youngho was determined to find out what Johnny’s goal is. Whether it is impossible or not, he is going to make sure Johnny becomes the best songwriter there is.

***

The three months had gone by before you knew it, and in all honesty, you didn’t want to quit the job. Johnny and you had grown closer the more you worked together, and you enjoyed seeing his progress as he worked to become a better and more authentic writer. And Youngho and you also hit it off very well, becoming closer friends the more you talked. You also realized that you were catching feelings for the scientist, but you ignored it, believing that it was nothing but a simple crush. ‘It will pass overtime,’ you would tell yourself.

Kun on the other hand did nothing to remind you of the deal that you made with him since he knew you forgot about it. He enjoyed seeing you have fun made him happy, he never liked seeing you in a sour mood. He too has gotten close with Youngho as well after going out drinking with him and Doyoung several times. Just like tonight.

This time, you decided to join the guys tonight for drinks at the bar. Once you found out Kun was hanging out with the two scientists, you felt left out and invited yourself to the next outing. It wasn’t like they minded though since they love your company.

“So, I heard that you don’t really like AI’s Y/N. Can I ask you why that is?” Doyoung asked.

You poked your lip out as you thought. “Well, it’s mainly because nothing they do feels true to me. It’s all programmed. Not only that, but they’re slowly taking over our jobs. I’m not exactly comfortable with that.”

Youngho shook his head. “I get what you’re saying, but that’s not necessarily true. AI’s, at least the ones we make at LSM, is made to function like humans. So everything they do is learned after we establish a little bit of a foundation we put in their program. And there are still significantly more humans who have jobs than AI’s, but I do get your concern.”

What he said had you thinking. You supposed he was right, but you still felt so odd about it. But you figured it’s just something that you’re going to have to learn to accept as time goes on. The only AI you trust is Johnny, and that’s all that matters to you right now.

“You might be right, but it’s going to take me some time to get used to them. I like Johnny at least.” You shrugged.

“And that’s all I need to hear.” Youngho smiled widely.

You giggled at his antics. “Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom really quickly. I’ll be back. Don’t buy any more drinks without me!”

“No promises!” Kun called after you, laughing afterward.

Youngho tapped his glass, trying to decide whether the question he has is worth asking or not. But he needed to muster up the courage since it’s an important question. For him at least.

“Hey, Kun, I have a question.” Youngho started.

“Hit me.” Kun nodded.

“Do you… like Y/N?”

Kun threw his head back in laughter. “What?! Where did that come from?”

Youngho could only scratch the back of his neck and let out a small laugh. He was embarrassed, but it’s something he has been wondering about forever now.

“He’s been waiting to ask that question for ages!” Doyoung exclaimed. “He wouldn’t stop bugging me about it.”

“Well, to answer your question, no I don’t. She’s like a sister to me.” Kun shook his head simply. “You should ask her out on a date. I’m sure she’d like that.”

Youngho shook his head fervently. “I don’t know if I can do that. Not right now at least.”

“You never know until you do it.” Doyoung sing-songed. Kun couldn’t help but laugh.

“Shut up, she’s coming back!” Youngho whisper yelled.

For the rest of the night, Youngho thought about you as the four of you enjoyed more drinks. He knew he had feelings for you, but he wasn’t sure if you felt the same as he did. For now, he just wanted to take more time to read your actions before he let you know of his feelings. He needs time to muster up the courage.

The four of you decided to end the night after realizing how tipsy you have gotten. Kun realized that you had a packed schedule the next day, so they needed to get you home immediately. He already knew you were going to regret it later on.

Kun had made sure you got up to your apartment safely. You stopped him at the door, saying that you could get in the house yourself, and just go home. He at least opened the door for you before leaving, hoping that you’ll get to bed right away rather than finding things to do around the house.

When you entered your home, you began to drag your feet toward your room, that was until Johnny stopped you in the hallway.

He leaned forward and sniffed. “Were you drinking?”

You giggled. “Yeah, I was.”

“You might want to get to bed. We have a long day tomorrow.” Johnny pouted at your condition. Looking at how you were, you for sure were going to experience a hand hangover in the morning.

“Yeah, yeah, I will.” You waved him off. You stepped forward to start going to your room, but you paused and stepped back. You looked up at Johnny and sucked in a sharp breath as you thought. “You look a lot like Youngho.”

Johnny blinked, confused at the sudden revelation. “I am aware of that.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “Are you just saying that because you are Youngho? Are you trying to fool me?” You poked your finger into his chest.

“No…” Johnny wasn’t sure how to respond to your absurd words. He’s never been in this situation before.

“Well, Youngho, goodnight. I will see you tomorrow.” You smiled at him. Rather than leaving, you stood there, staring up at who you believed to be Youngho through your heavy eyelids. Suddenly you got on your toes and pecked his lips softly. “Rest well Youngho.”

Johnny stood in shock after you left to your room. What was he going to tell Youngho? He has never allowed this to happen before. The kiss was so unexpected that he couldn’t dodge it! He hoped he wouldn't get in trouble.

The next day, Johnny was at the lab for the daily check-in.

“How was the night at the Babysitter’s?” Youngho asked as he plugged Johnny’s chip into his computer to retrieve yesterday’s data.

“She kissed me.” Johnny found himself blurting.

“She what?!” Youngho squeaked.

“She kissed me.” He repeated.

Youngho couldn’t believe his ears. He shook his head, slapping his hand on his forehead. “Huh?!”

“She kissed me—“

“I heard you the first two times!” Youngho yelled.

Youngho suddenly turned around to his computer and rushed to retrieve any video data if there were any. And there was. The camera hidden behind Johnny’s eyes wasn’t always on, but they only started recording if Johnny felt that he needed to. Youngho played the video, nervous about what he’s about to see. But all that worry washed away after seeing your drunken smile. Seeing you kiss his robot amused him more than he thought, as he couldn’t help but snort and laugh hysterically at what he just watched. It was something he never thought he would see or even hear about.

“She thought I was you,” Johnny revealed, which shut Youngho’s laughter up.

“W-Wait, really?” He was shocked.

“Yeah. She kept calling me Youngho.” Johnny nodded. “I think she likes you.”

A blush crept up Youngho’s neck, and he couldn’t hold back the grin on his face. Knowing that you had the same feelings he currently has sent him over the moon. He just wished you kissed him rather than his lookalike.

Youngho waited until the evening to talk to you so that you were free from all your schedules. The two of you spoke at the convenience store near your apartment, enjoying a canned beverage.

“So… Johnny found out what his goal is,” Youngho revealed.

You gasped, clapping your hand over your mouth. “For real? What is it?” You were slightly disappointed that you didn’t know what it was first since you’re the one that is with him most of the time, but you could care less since the whole point is that he knows what he’s working for now.

“Well, his goal is to gain more of a human understanding. He wants to be able to truly write a song. And he found a passion in… people, to simply put it.” Youngho chuckled. “He talks more and asks more questions than he has ever had before.”

“That’s great! I’m so glad, I was really rooting for him.” You cooed.

“I just want to thank you so much. He has been making so much improvement since he started working with you. You really helped us out. You helped him out.” Youngho smiled softly.

“Oh it’s no biggie. I’m glad I was of some help.” You laughed. “He’s the one who did most of the work, so the credit should go to him.”

“I’m supposing that’s why you kissed him then? Because you’re proud of him?” Youngho asked suddenly, a playful smirk on his face.

“What?” Your eyes grew wide in shock. “I kissed him?”

Youngho’s cackles filled the air. “You don’t remember? Ah, I suppose you wouldn’t since you were so drunk last night. Johnny told me you thought he was I, and you kissed him.”

Your fingertips touched your lips after the memories started coming back to you. “Oh my gosh!” You groaned, dragging your hands down your face. “This is so embarrassing!”

“Don’t be embarrassed! Actually, I’m quite flattered.” Youngho reassured you. “Just be sure to kiss me next time.”

You brought your hands down from your face so you could get a good look at his expression. You had to figure out whether he was joking or not.

And to answer your unspoken question, he cupped your cheek with his hand and placed a soft kiss on your lips.

“Please tell me this feeling is mutual.” You whispered.

Youngho chuckled, poking your nose as he sat back in his seat.

“Don’t worry. I want you to be mine as much as you want me to be yours. You have me baby.”

[leventart-den]

About why Jaskier chose a cold room and a little more about the relationship between Jaskier and Rience at the end.

Okay, so what I'm going to say comes from personal experience and it's different for everyone. Just a warning that I'm talking about self-harm here. But just like another idea for those who love to write Jaskier Whump, Angst & Hurt/Comfort.

Remember that moment when Ciri was choosing a room for herself and one of them had a hole, so snow fell into the room? It must be terribly cold there. And when we see Jaskier's room, snow is falling there too. I don't know if it's the same room, but it's probably just as cold.

So why would he choose this room?

Well. Here comes the hard thing. Keeping yourself uncomfortably frozen can be an act of self-harm. And the reason for this is a distraction from emotional-mental pain. Whether it's heartbreak from Geralt or PTSD after a run-in with Rience. I don't want to dive into this topic in detail, just in case it might upset anyone.

Let's just say. In this state, Jaskier can make himself cold, sleep deprived (or try to stay awake as little as possible), drink alcohol, hide physical injuries and illness, push himself too far until he faints. 

He may not recognize it as self-harm, but trust me, this could be it. And it's almost impossible to stop on your own. And if the opportunity presents itself for him to throw himself between Ciri (or someone else) and the danger that could kill him - he will do it. And it won't be a su*c*de attempt. He just wants to feel as bad as physically possible. 

And all this does not mean that Jaskier will necessarily look depressed all the time. He can still joke and smile and be his normal self most of the time. He can still be confident and BAMF. His inner state can slip when he suddenly gets angry or nervous and wants to leave as soon as possible and be left alone. 

Freezing Thing - He can sit or walk in the cold in inappropriate clothing. This may look strange to others. But for him, this is what grounds him. Though witchers don't feel the cold like humans do, so I guess they wouldn't pay attention to it.

—----------

About the relationship between Jaskier and Rience.

Oh. Now I return again to his relationship with Rience. Oh GODS. It might be good. But it's definitely dark. Rience could help him. If in their journey he starts noticing that Jaskier is in this state he can help him with moderated physical distractions. Hello friends with benefits. I know that this is not the best option, but this is all they can have, given the circumstances, in order for Jaskier to stop threatening his own life. 

You know sometimes if someone (who you trust and who will not judge you) holds your hands very tightly until their nails dig into the skin it can be enough to not want to freeze yourself. I'm sure Rience can come up with many different options (moderated painful or/and sexy if your heart is willing to push it forward. You can throw a bdsm topic there. But do it all consensually). And although he is a crazy mage, he does not like what is happening to His bard. Fuck that witcher wolf. (It's not me, it's Rience!)

—-------

I will say it again. These are just my thoughts and fanfiction ideas for anyone who wants them. Yes, they are based on my experience, but they are just ideas.

I am by no means saying that this is how you should deal with your problems. You should definitely seek professional help if you encounter this. Please, take care of yourself and your loved ones.

And if anyone needs me, I'll be at the bar. I mean my DMs are open х) 

Now I'll shut up because I threw too many ideas at you.

[0verthinking1t]

Starting over

Hey Tumblr. My name is Rose, and my blog is called Overthinking It. It's been around a while, but I haven't really been doing much with it. I started in hopes of using it as a place to dump all my long, overthought rambles about my hyperfixations, but abandoned that pretty quickly and have just been using it as my main blog for surfing the hellsite. I don't post a lot, which is something I'm trying to change. I have a new purpose in mind for this little corner, so I'd like to reintroduce myself and the new Overthinking It.

I am mentally disabled. I am ADHD, depressed, anxious, and I have trauma from spending my teen years with alcoholic family members. I'm nonbinary, Aro-Ace, and have some uh... Pretty weird interests. I'm an artist, and I'm at the beginning of my journey to being a professional. I'm a lot of things all at once, and this can make normal life a bit of a struggle sometimes. I've hit a pretty low point for now, but I'm actively working to pull out of it. I've been letting the brain fog and entropy of my mental illnesses swallow me recently, and it's been robbing me of the willpower to even do simple self care tasks. I came to this realization today, and decided that I don't want to keep letting this happen— I don't want my bedroom to be my entire life, and if I stagnate any more, things will only get worse. I want to feel human again. I also want a place to talk about it, and maybe connect to others who have gone through (or are going through) similar times.

I am starting at pretty much absolute zero right now, which is pretty embarrassing sometimes. I have to put "shower", "stand up for 5 minutes", and "eat actual meals" on my to-do list, and set reminders telling me what day of the week it is. Feeling sorry for myself over my reality right now isn't the point of this blog, tho. Today, I'm starting over fresh and looking for ways to get myself up and functioning again, and that's what I want to share with the world. I know I'm not the only ADHD or depressed person who struggles with motivation, self discipline, or emotional numbness, and I want to send something positive out into the universe for the rest of us who need it. I want to share my experiences with mental health care, and the strategies I invent to trick my brain into being useful. I want to share what baby steps I can make day after day to let people know that they're not alone in whatever stage of life and coping they're at. I know I'm going to sound kind of pathetic sometimes when I'm posting about little things like getting up and dressed, living off hot pockets and protein bars, and opening windows; I also know that we all struggle with the little things sometimes, and feeling isolated and afraid the rest of the world will judge you makes that struggle harder. I want to forgive myself for being at this point, and if I can help someone else out there forgive themselves, too, then sharing all this will have been worth it.

Alright, I've rambled enough. I hope the point was clear enough. TL;DR: this is my personal mental health journey. If I get some relief from posting and feeling heard, at least that will be something. If anyone else out there finds some sort of relief from all this, then it will have been worth it.

[wxldchxld]

are they an affectionate person? how do they feel about pda? are they good at explaining things to others?how do they handle being upset/angry? do they yell, cry, go silent, etc? what does their future look like when they picture it? who’s there with them?have they ever been to court? what was the outcome?what would they do for a klondike bar?

are they an affectionate person?

Beck is incredibly affectionate. She spent much of her childhood craving affection and having it denied to her, and she never wants to make anyone she loves feel like that. Thankfully when it comes to attachment and affection and things like that, the first years of your life are extremely important, and during that time Beck was surrounded by family that adored her and showed it in a healthy/open way. Her father, her amma Alma, her afi Percy, and her big brother Fenris were all very loving and supportive, which in turn showed Beck how to express love and affection. If not for those first five years of her life, Beck would probably still desire affection without knowing how to give it. Fortunately that isn't the case.

how do they feel about pda?

She's fine with it. Beck's basically impossible to embarrass and doesn't really believe in like purity or whatever the Christians get their underwear twisted over. She's down with most forms of pda and she's usually quick to initiate it.

are they good at explaining things to others?

Ummm I guess that depends. Beck has extra-sensory abilities (feeling the presence of other lifeforms, hearing and understanding beings others perceive as silent/stupid like plants or animals) and if she's in other forms she usually has enhanced senses as well. A bear's sense of smell is better than a bloodhound's, and a fox can hear a watch tick from 40 yards away. Not to mention magic changes her perception of the world both physically and culturally. She wasn't raised in the same society as other humans, and for much of her life she's lived completely isolated in the wilderness.

The problem is that Beck has no idea what a normal human experience is. So there is a disconnect there, and she has a lot of knowledge she just assumes that other people know.

Where it gets sticky is Beck trying to explain something and people think she's a nut case because she's just assuming you know the same shit she does. Beck isn't really bad at explaining things, but she needs to know where to start explaining, and if that's really far back it gets tricky because she's prone to rabbit trailing and losing her place. Most of the time she just gets frustrated and says fuck it. She'd just prefer not to be understood than people look at her like she has four heads.

how do they handle being upset/angry?

Beck denies she has any negative emotions at all and pretends she's happy until she completely explodes. This was the only way for her to survive as a child, because expressing her negative emotions was always a punishable offense. Unfortunately she never unpacked it as an adult.

When she's at the end of her rope, Beck's first step is to isolate. Run away for a while. Maybe an hour, maybe a week, maybe forever depending on what is happening. If she's angry she usually talks it over with her familiars, and if she's sad she tends to cry.

I'd like to point out Beck never yells. Even if I'm typing in all caps and bold, Beck is not yelling unless I specifically say she is. Because it's very, very, very rare for Beck to raise her voice and when she does it means something is deeply and terribly wrong.

what does their future look like when they picture it?

I guess this depends on the verse. The only thing Beck consistently knows is one day she will go feral, and that is a sort of death for her. True she doesn't literally die, but her spirit merges with the nature spirit she came from, and "Beck" becomes a very very very very miniscule part of that spirit, much too spread out to be able to form thoughts or truly be signaled out as a unique person.

Beck isn't afraid of this. She's known it her whole life. She already is a part of the nature spirit, and doesn't dread returning to it in full. A part of her secretly wishes she could be like the Otso or the Näkki, other parts of the nature spirit who became so integrally connected with the earth, so well known by others, so powerful, that they sort of retained their personhood. Whether or not that is in the cards for her, she can't know. She can only hope.

have they ever been to court?

Depends on the verse. In our verse, yes. And she specifically pled guilty to crimes she did not do in order to protect someone else. In most verses no. Beck's a very good thief and getting caught is a rarity for her. If she does, she can usually lose whoever is after her anyway so the chances of her going to court when it isn't something she planned are very low.

what would they do for a klondike bar?

She doesn't know what that is. If she did she probably wouldn't trust it. lmao

[mbti-notes]

Hey, I feel super lonely. I'm an introvert (infp), so shouldn't I be coping better with this isolation? It's not like I went out much before, but going out for coffee once a week with a friend--or being alone amongst strangers while working--those things kept me sane. Calling and Skyping aren't doing it for me. I just feel sad, and this has no end in sight, and I'm losing all interest in doing anything at all. The loneliness is so heavy, and I don't know how to cope. Thanks for all your guidance

I hear you. Being an introvert doesn’t mean that you will enjoy forced isolation. That’s such a misguided idea, and I’ve seen it discussed in the mainstream media by people who have no idea what they’re talking about. Do you not have extraverted functions? Everyone has extraverted needs. And being barred from fulfilling them is psychologically harmful. Everyone has introverted needs. And introverted needs are not completely divorced from extraverted needs. Are they not two sides of the same you? 

You say that you “just feel sad”, which is normal given the circumstances. However, do you dwell in your negative feelings? Do you allow those negative feelings to spill over into every attempt to live your life normally on a daily basis? If so, then the method of socializing isn’t necessarily the problem, it’s that you’re approaching everything with a negative mindset such that every experience, big and small, is always tinged with negativity. Hard to enjoy anything when your overall attitude is negative.

Feelings are temporary. They come and go. Staying at home for a long period, nothing really happens or changes, yet sometimes you feel up and sometimes you feel down. That is the natural ebb and flow of being human. Do you assign way too much importance to the down times, to the point of ignoring the times when you feel okay or good? When you feel sad, do you sink into sadness, or do you try to shift your attitude/perspective, such as via practicing mindfulness, introspection, positive thinking, or gratitude? You feel how you feel, but you don’t have to feel sad any longer than you have to if you remind yourself to look on the positive side of things rather than only dwelling in the negative. Only then can you be said to have a well-balanced outlook. No matter what’s happening, who you are, where you are, life has its ups and downs. Don’t dwell too long on either side - that is the secret of developing a stable emotional life.

As for socializing, have you reflected on why exactly video-chatting is “lacking” to you? What exactly is it that leaves you feel dissatisfied? You can’t address a problem if you don’t understand the cause. Yes, video-chatting is never going to be the same as in-person meeting. However, the main difference between them is found in the physical. Are you a physical person? Do you require a lot of physical proximity, touch, and affection? Most INFPs don’t because they’re not Sensors. 

If it is indeed the physical aspect, then perhaps you should get out a little, go for a walk, get closer to nature if at all possible. Being in a tight confined space too long takes its toll on psychology. There are studies done on this. People are naturally more healthy psychologically just by having a chance to be in wide open, natural spaces that allow room for expanding your being (so that you don’t get trapped in your head). You can also think about whether it's feasible to isolate with someone else, like an isolation buddy. I know it’s not exactly following the guidelines, but sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do to stay sane, just try to do it as safely as possible.

If it’s not the physical aspect, then perhaps you haven’t yet mastered the art of video-chatting. You’re still treating it as an in-person chat when it’s not. There is a different method, a different attitude, a different feel. Because of the physical distance, it seems less intimate and less inviting at first. But there are ways to get around that. The human mind is easily fooled by little tricks. For example, are you both trying to force small talk instead of talking about the things that really matter to you? Intimacy is found in communicating about the things that really matter. If you’re not talking about how lonely you feel, how sad you feel, how worried or anxious you are, how you’re holding up, etc, then you’re not really expressing yourself, are you? When you’re not fully expressing yourself, then chatting doesn’t feel very satisfying. When you’re only able to express yourself through video, you’ve got to get more creative about it.

Many studies have been done on loneliness. The pain of it registers in the brain in the same way as physical pain, so it’s nothing to scoff at, and feeling lonely doesn’t mean that you’re weak in any way. All human beings need to feel a sense of connection to something outside of themselves in order to be psychologically healthy. But there are many, many ways to foster that sense of connection. For example, reading a book, expressing yourself through writing, communing with nature, enjoying a familiar character in a film or TV show, enjoying an engaging activity/hobby/interest, taking care of something, volunteering (remotely) to help someone, etc. When times are tough, all you can do is try to make the best of what you have. But you can’t do that if you’re only ever focused on what you lack.

[commajade]

ik this is from before but ive been thinking about the trans man butch post and idk... i don't like the idea of including attraction to trans men in lesbianism and when i was reading it i was like well good for the author but im not...attracted to trans men...and thats not part of being lesbian. like idk when this was written and if its older I get how diff norms could have impacted her understanding but yea...and also the line talking abt how the lover wants her like a man bc his thinking changed after starting T stuck out to me as weird too. and i mean maybe the modern understanding of sex hormones is just a lot diff so i wont go on about how thats not how T works but i feel like lesbians are usually very off put by someone "wanting us as a man"? food for thought ig

the thing is though, that it genuinely does not matter whether u think that person's experience is valid. ur allowed to judge that person and disagree, and u would be probably be aligned with a lot of other lgbt ppl around them. and it's ok if u disagree with me! this is the internet not an in-person and long standing lesbian social community, u r not accountable to me beyond basic human decency. i personally don't see a problem with it because people have all kinds of journeys with their identity and within lgbt social circles and butch and femme are relational social roles within a specific social and political context and the issue of transitioning while being butch is much bigger and much more difficult than we know and the author expressed that struggle beautifully.

i am absolutely not saying that because i don't see a problem in that story i'm allowing attraction to trans men to be a part of the definition of lesbianism. there's a difference between what actual people historically experienced and what is a correct on-paper definition of sexualities and lgbt social roles. i agree that i am not attracted to trans men and attraction to trans men should not be considered a part of the definition of what a lesbian is. there are actually trans men on this website that call themselves butch and make weird posts about gay men and lesbians having sex being normal. and it's gross, really really gross. another example of this would be bi femmes. on the internet i'm gonna be uncomfortable when a lot of bi women with no affiliation to or knowledge of lesbian bar culture and no love for butches call themselves femme but historically, bi women were an important part of butch femme bar culture and gave up a lot and gained a lot from taking on the responsibility of that social role, which continual rejection of men and wanting butches instead is a part of.

queerness is by definition outside of words, everything we do is resistance to language and outside of language and breaks apart language. the danger in these kinds of stories is when people use them as proof for ideas that are trying to disrupt our social formations and community structures and make our words meaningless, make the word lesbian no longer mean what it does. but the story doesn't do that, there's a reverence for lesbianism and the butch femme community that the narrator is terrified of losing the subversive power gained by becoming a part of that community and social structure. and about that section the narrator was put off by that too, terrified in fact.

finally, note that the passage never did firmly establish whether the narrator's partner considers himself a trans man completely. he could be a nonbinary transmasc lesbian like me that went through medical transition. he could be a trans man that still considers himself butch and that would be none of my business, he has def already been taken to task about it by his own community based on their own definitions of what being butch means. these terms come with sacrifice, they come with automatic rejection from society, they come with punishment both physical/legal and emotional, they aren't taking this shit lightly.

lesbian and trans experience is complicated and not going to fit neatly into any kind of narrative because we're communally writing the stories and definitions as they suit us and the community we have made. in general yeah saying lesbians are attracted to trans men is transphobic and lesbophobic but this is real people we're talking about, with real experiences that do in fact happen. it's not an idea, it's just what happened to those people. they're people of incorrect gender and incorrect desire which is the definition of what being lgbt is, and they should be considered as real human beings living through hell just to be who they are and survive. i don't think it's my role as a reader to further punish this person who's lived through more hardship for being gay and trans than i have, whose story is being very vulnerably told so i can benefit, so i can see some of myself and feel some connection in the past as a young nonbinary transmasc butch lesbian.