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cipher-fresh · 3 years

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Just Out Of Reach

Posting on tumblr due to Discord's character limit, this one's a lot longer than my other ones. A prompt from @marlinspirkhall about how food on the holodeck doesn't exist once you step off it got me thinking. TW for violence, injury, blood, food, eating disorders I think (?? rather safe than sorry) and long-term distress. Thank you for the Federation gothic prompt!

It's fuzzy, you remember the ship leaving spacedock after repairs, and some of the anticipatory silence as the odd lack of Dominion ships greeted your rush toward the Bajoran sector to help recapture Deep Space Nine and the Bajoran wormhole. You had never been this far away from home, but you'd tried to steel yourself. The red alert had blared in your ears, and you don't remember much else. You look down. You're bleeding. You curse, and look around for medical supplies.

You're in a dark building, with debris strewn around. A force field makes it's presence known as a hurtling piece of Dominion ship tailwing is stopped in it's tracks from perhaps it's original destiny of destroying wherever you were. If there was a forcefield up, there must be an energy source. You find you had crash-landed here, as there's an escape pod near the fallen bulkheads. You saddle up with the materials from the escape pod, and hunt around for any available resources on whatever man-made, oxygenated building you'd been lucky enough to land in. You put your bag down, and take off your Starfleet outer shirt. You're still wearing the gray undershirt, and over it you tie the main shirt over the wound. You wish it had been an easier area to tie, like your lower leg, and press on. After a trek over fallen metal, everything from large carts, a whole shuttle, bulkheads and PADDs, you find the opposite wall, marked with a plaque designating it the Miyamoto, a mini-space station hardly the size of a neighborhood street. Some place, you scoff. It feels like a shadowy castle fallen into disrepair, with the flickering lights looking like the occasional sunbeam brightening it. Atmospheric, at least, if it wasn't going to comfortable. It feels as if you could almost hear sad music, accentuating just quite how dark the station was, cold and alone. The Miyamoto station echoes sadly, the destruction and carnage of Dominion and Federation ships making their final stand above the station feeling long off, although you could place it as happening mere hours ago. Continuing onward, you clear a path the best you can of the debris on the ground, in case you round this area again.

You see places that look like shops- the *Miyamoto*, as per it's informational plaque, was a station commissioned and controlled by Starfleet, but it had housed many Federation-aligned planets, that is to say, planets that hadn't joined the Federation for one reason or another, but remained in contact with it, politically or economically. Your journey around the station ends as you look back down at your outer shirt, wrapped around your torso wound, and it's too red with blood for comfort. You take an unfortunate, seething inhale, processing what this might mean. You have no other than the most basic medical supplies on your bag, and you're alone on a mini-space station with debris that was ripe to fall over and crush you at any time. Nobody else seems to have crashed near you. You're alone, on an at least semi-functioning, mini-space station. And you were determined to survive. The bleeding cut on your torso should be dealt with first. Can't look for food or set up a distress call if you're bleeding to death. You take a tricorder from the bag, and scan around for anything useful. It picks up gauze a few meters ahead of you. Better than your shirt, certainly. You navigate toward it with the tricorder's map, and it navigates you to a holodeck, you recognize from the doors. Gauze in the holodeck? You thought the violin music had been a symptom of a bleeding body and the brain processing your day, but no, the violin was louder. Getting closer to the holodeck, that made more sense. It was extremely lucky the program was still running. You walk inside. The inside is a gothic, turn-of-the-century sort of laboratory. Indeed, a holodeck character playing a violin spots you, and huffs.

"You're bleeding. Are you looking for my partner, Dr. Watson?"

You take a moment- oh, this was a Sherlock Holmes program. You doubt Dr. Watson could help you, but then you take a moment to think. Emergency Medical Holograms are just as holographic as Dr. Watson here, and they have helped millions of people. You're too tired to act, so you ask him, "Yes, I need a doctor. Can you get him?" Too much also eating at your mind to enjoy the program, Dr. Watson fixes you up in the flat. You wince at the old medical technology, and wish the two of them lived in a period of time with more current medicinal knowledge. - Wait. "Computer?" you say. "Change the time period to, uh, 22nd century. No, I mean, to today. 24th century. Keep Sherlock and Watson with me." The computer responds to your request, and you see the program change around you. You laugh at the mystery-solving duo's updated outfits for the 24th century, then look back at Dr. Watson. It's a little jarring how seamlessly they continue from the jump in time, but better that than their program stop working. Watson asks a replicator- a holographic replicator, which makes you laugh a little bit, for a dermal regenerator, and you get patched up. "Stick around for a cup of tea?" Watson asks. "Sherlock really wants to know why you broke into our flat." You consider it. You've heard jokes from non-Federation species when trying out holodecks for the first time, "Calories don't count on the holodeck!" Anything you eat here wouldn't sustain you, the minute you left the holodeck. You could activate this program so long as there was energy to the station, but food was a priority. Assuming the *Miyamoto* had been in a tussle just a few hours ago during your fly-over to Deep Space Nine, now was a crucial time to find genuine replicators before they went offline. You leave the holodeck. You see the gauze over your injury (kept for good measure) disappear as you exit the holodeck, but not the skin you'd grown back from the dermal regenerator. The gauze was holographic, but the stimulated skin cells and tissues were not. You follow the path set by rounding around the small, circular station, and tracing your steps back through the cleared path you made. Your injury healed, you could now look around and find something to eat. You follow around a downloaded map of the *Miyamoto* from the plaque's infochip, and hunt down all the replicators marked on the station. One by one, they're all broken, in pieces, or missing. Maybe the station was in poor shape to begin with. You take another trip around- at least you're getting plenty of exercise in, you halfheartedly cheer- and visit all the food shops. You raid the fridges, cabinets and cupboards, and still find nothing. Intending to not be disheartened, you sit down for a moment. Your hunger is suddenly made aware to you, your vision swirling. Not good, you decide. Your stomach hurts, and you try to remember the last time you ate. Breakfast on- on the *USS Halay*. Maybe tea with Dr. Watson wouldn't be so bad, you assure yourself. You have some food with the two of them, think of a new plan, then go back out there and find some food. Some water, while you're at it, too. You walk back, and almost trip over debris you swore you moved out of your path. You enter back to the holodeck, and smell the fresh air. You find Watson and Sherlock again, and you're offered a pastry you can't remember the name of. You eat, and have some tea, and you feel at peace. You're still directly aware of the stakes, you're stuck on a space station in the middle of nowhere, but you're at least still alive. And going from desperately hungry out there to the sweet scent of buttered pastries in here in a still-peaceful London before the Dominion invaded was a sense of home you'd missed. You sat down, and considered your optics. If you left now, you'd probably be just as hungry as before, but here, you could come up with a plan, and make the time before it worth it. You clued in the holographic Sherlock and Watson into it, without exposing to them they were holograms. Quite tricky, it was, but you were glad they got over

their suspicions and were just willing to help. You and the two problem-solvers looked over the schematics of the *Miyamoto*, and found from your walkaround of the station, the replicator at the Bolarian food shop was the least broken- it had gotten halfway to forming bread before it puttered out. Although not quite a chief engineer, this seemed to be your only option. You picked back up your supplies from the escape pod that you'd kept with you, and journey off to the replicator. You feel the distinct hunger pangs as soon as you leave, and almost regret leaving. Little matter. You'd already gone and done it, you might as well make it worthwhile. You get to the replicator, and try to recall your engineering training. Basic engineering design over necessary machines like replicators and transporters were required classes at the Academy, and you couldn't remember a thing from it. You open a hatch at the back and fiddle with some of the wires and steel EPS hubcaps, and put everything back into place. Not ever quite sure what to do, you feel a fog in your brain, you know you're putting a square peg in a round hole as you try to fix this. You screw things on and off, scan it, flip a switch. Closing the hatch, you hit it for good measure, and try replicating food again. It produces a gray slop of what could only technically be edible, organic material. You take your tricorder out and get a holo-scan of it. A moment of darkness in your vision, you fall to the ground. You're really feeling it. You hold a hand to your stomach, and close your eyes tight. It hurts, it does. You could make the feeling go away, if you just went back.

A deep breath, and you turned around. Just back for a second.

Desperate to get back to the holodeck, you're assured you can figure out the replicator's problem with the holo-imager scans. You get back inside, and feel the pleasant, clean air, and walk back inside. Ravenously, you scarf down the food given to you, and you can feel your mind finding clarity again. If you could find a way to fix the replicator while inside the holodeck, you'd be set. You could fix it there, and only be hungry from the minute you walked over to the replicator, no brain fog as you tried to fix it. Maybe engineers had "Don't fix things on an empty stomach" as a rule. If not, they should. You spend a few more hours there, going over the specs of the replicator, sitting in the nice flat. It's an amalgamation of every depiction of 221B ever put to screen, and all the books are real, wholly scripted ones. You chuckle, certainly sure only a man of fiction could read so many books, bookshelves stacked wall to wall. Many of them had frantically scribbled notes and writings in them. After some time, you fall asleep. You're woken up by Watson, telling you again that you need to wake up. You rub your eyes, and consider everything from the day previous. Hungry, stuck on a space station with no food, and surviving in the holodeck. This would be a lovely nightmare to wake up from, eh? Lovely, for the fact you're waking up, you joke. "-get out there and find something to eat or your body will starve. Please. The program-" You burst out from under the blanket on the couch. Dr. Watson looks at you. "Sherlock and I put together that you're on a holodeck. Incredible inventions, truthfully, but what is more important now is your life. You haven't eaten in how long? A human would starve after not eating for-"

"About a week. But without water is a different story. Three days, at most." Sherlock filled in. You swallowed. Wonderful. You look back at Watson. "Please, we're trying to help you. You need to head back out there." That's the last thing you want to do.

Neither of them were being helpful. "Look, we can't leave the holodeck. All we can do is-" "I don't care!" you yell. "I'll just-stay in here until I figure it out." The two exchanged looks with each other. Watson got closer to you. You feel small. Threatened. "You're Starfleet, right? You haven't even given us your name. How about you-" You lash out. "Computer, delete characters Sherlock and Watson." "Not possible." "Fine! Delete whatever you need to get rid of them." "Confirmed." the computer says. The two of them phase out of existence. You breathe heavily. You hope they won't be mad at you. "Computer, change scenery. Somewhere on Earth. As far away from Sherlock as possible." "Changing location to Dunedin, New Zealand." the computer replied. You stop, and catch your breath. You'd just- stay in here. For a while. Yeah.

The systems of the Miyamoto station degrade. The holodeck, over time, begins to lose critical imaging projectors. One corner of the holodeck shows the depressingly bare and black wall, the whole program not covering the entire room. You try not to mind. You sleep. If you could just- just learn how to fix the replicator....no. You have everything you need right in here. Everything....you need. You take an arduous breath. The holodeck doors have sealed shut. The imagers have stopped working. You're trapped inside. A lone Starfleet officer starves to death on a holodeck, over an agonizing three days, just as Sherlock predicted. The Miyamoto station is destroyed by the Breen a year later, unimportant and completely alone. If one listened closely, passing an unimportant, tiny little station, they may have heard faint music of a violin.

#star trek #my writing #federation gothic #uss lilac #blood #dominion war #ds9 #wasn't planning to add sherlock holmes to the mix but when I had the injury and the violin i couldn't resist

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inked-out-trees · 3 years

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⭐ for The Keep Going Song? Thanks! :)

(anh i would die for you)

Thank you for asking! I am going to be talking about the whole thing because it's fun, and because there's not really many ~secrets~ within the text to ramble about, just little fun snippets!

I'll do it under a cut because I will definitely ramble. Woohoo!

I came across The Keep Going Song (the song) after my Lookout 3 Companion Playlist (& my spotify discovery) introduced me to the Bengsons. The effect was almost instantaneous - it's the kind of warmth I try to encompass in everything I do, and for the next few days I had it on repeat as I worked. This was around the time I was finishing my Lookout script, and I had been toying with the idea of writing a Cornleyverse fic after absolutely devouring all 10 fics in the tag. What I knew was that I wanted it to be sweet, I wanted it to pull them all together, and I wanted it to be a progression. Despite only having seen the Goes Wrong Show, jumping into the fandom made me want to dimensionalize these characters and give them a story beyond everything that had already occured.

I also watched Christmas Carol before / during the writing process, but to date I have not watched Peter Pan or the full-length TPTGW. My prior knowledge comes from Wikipedia, the delightul amateur TPTGW production on YouTube, a friend's excellent transcription of the Haversham Manor script, and tumblr meta analysis. I think I did a reasonable enough job pretending I knew what I was doing.

Let's get going!

I knew off the top that it was going to be vignettes - they would give me room to spread the story over the long period of time it takes for a group of people to grow into something resembling a family. Like I said in the original author's note, there was supposed to be more of the early, snippy days - but I got so focused on making them kinder that I found I couldn't properly write a fight. In hindsight, it probably would have been easier if I tried writing that first, but, well. Once I realized that it was too late. The alphabet idea came later, once I had them all finished: I wanted to organize them somehow, but numbers felt too open, too infinite - closing the story on an organizational endpoint was just really satisfying.

a - Every good story needs a good beginning.

c - Starting with the end of Peter Pan is my sneaky way of slipping past the fact that I haven't seen the earlier shows! The Max and Sandra storyline is just so sweet, and I wanted to let it exist a little bit in between our jump from Peter Pan to Christmas Carol. This vignette came so easily when I wrote it and I love love love the feelings and the tentativity about the whole thing.

f - This was actually the last vignette I wrote. I realized I needed some front-end padding because otherwise my angst plot came rather abruptly, and what better way? At this point, too, I was trying to bring in POVs from each one of our characters, and when deciding on Trevor's POV I thought the exasperation-excitement combination would be an excellent choice. It turns out Trevor is my favourite to write, mostly because I can find his voice a lot easier than some of the others - and probably also because I hold a lot of fondness and nostalgia for stage crew work. Also, I wrote most of this one on a long evening walk in the notes app on my phone. Fun fact.

h - I did my original idea slam in a draft tumblr post, and this one just says "birthday party but one without all the drama of christmas carol". And what do you know, that's exactly what it is! I definitely took the birthday party (in CCGW as well as in this fic) as a kind of proof that they really do like each other, if they're doing things like this and if they want to do things like this - and that theme of okay, they want to be here formed the basis for this part. I think it's exceptionally sweet that Dennis came looking for friends and ended up finding, well, something. And I popped in a little MMNI reference with "one of the Janines" - Backwards Janine? Frontwards Janine? Original Janine? Who knows! It's one of them!

l - The thing about this plot is that it's actually one of the first ideas I had when dreaming up this fic, and I couldn't quite let it go. The point was, what if I somehow split them up? How can they get on when half the society is out of commission? And the most reasonable way I could find to actually get half of them out of commission was the car accident. To be honest, this one is mostly filler - it's also the second vignette I wrote, and it found its birth in the email drafts of my work laptop.

m - Trying to map out this little plotline without overdoing it might have been the most difficult part of this fic, and I'm still not 100% sure I succeeded. This is our explanation for the unease from the vignette above, and it took me 3 rewrites before I finally found something that settled in my brain. "Dennis gets chased by a goose" might be one of my favourite lines in the fic though.

Also, putting these letters right next to each other made me feel really clever for no reason.

n - My Jonathan perspective also took a few stutter-steps in its beginning, but this one ultimately came from the promo video's reveal that Robert and Dennis live together, and me playing with the continual idea of the remaining cast members being rather unmoored in their injured castmates' absence. Robert in particular because I love his character and I love making him Feel Things(TM) (fun hint: this will also be a small theme in the new cpds fic I have in the works!) and I want to see so much from this odd relationship between him and Dennis. Obviously they have to tolerate each other if they are willingly roommates - how far can I go with that? I love how this one turned out.

o - All I have to say about this one is that I still really love the sweetness between these two, and they deserve the world. Also, at some point during writing this I was really caught up with how striking Dave's face silhouette is (don't ask) so that ended up making it in somehow.

q - Girls' Night is SO important to me. After all the work they've done to make these gals friends I needed to capture it, and a pleasant night in just made a lot of sense. This one is the home of a few of my headcanons - Annie has a chef roommate and Max does a lot of the cooking, thus the "neither of us are the usual household cooks" comments, and I also think they're at the point where they can joke about their previous failures (especially with these three together) so the nod to A Trial To Watch (my favourite gws episode) was so fun. Also, Waking Ned really is a silly pick-me-up of a movie - would recommend. Special thanks to CBC for giving us Canadians quality British TV alongside our occasionally questionable homegrown programming.

r - It wouldn't be a fic about progress and growth with this crew without a disheartening moment turned into gold. I wrote this one while barbecuing, another fun fact, and no joke the hardest part was figuring out what to name the play they were doing. I kept pace with the whole "Jonathan can't get onscreen" gag, which was personally hilarious and made me cackle as I wrote it, and the rest of it just felt good. I will always have a soft spot for comfort and reassurance in a story and getting to write it has just been an absolute delight.

t - This was one of my other unplanned vignettes. It was originally to fill out Robert's POV, but also to express a bit of how things have changed in Chris's attitude towards his cast - if there's one thing I would change from Mischief's characerisation thus far, it's this brand of almost-kindness that I consistently need to write him with. It takes the aftermath of the car accident and uses it to kind of make him understand - this is a valuable group of people and I don't want to lose it. But of course he's not the type of person to actually express that in any way, so I thought the frenetic hovering was a good way to get the point across. As well, the kind-of-bonding between Chris and Robert - the two of them are such powerhouses of insistent personality that conflict so easily but they've also got a more secret kind of friendship that deserves to be explored a little more. I really like this vignette and how it ended up portraying how they are around each other, how they really do know each other, especially when they're not fighting. Makes me soft.

w - This is the first vignette I wrote! I honestly didn't realize until writing this just how much I identify with Annie - best of both worlds re. crew and cast, a bit of tenacity regarding getting through things, overall personality - I just love her so so much. She also seems like the most sensible of the cast, so the collective "why are we really here?" moment with Trevor really spoke to me. I love their friendship, I love the kind of quiet vibe this vignette gives off - this is one of the ones I can feel most strongly, the one I can step into and exist inside. I also spent most of my old drama rehearsals and classes without shoes, so that had to make it in just by virtue of the sock brigade (me).

z - One thing I knew for sure since the inception of the fic was that it needed to end on a victory. I took the images I had of this victorious adrenaline, everyone together having a good time, kind of getting smashed, and karaoke (I really wanted the karaoke, for some reason) and went the obvious route: the wedding. Ending on Chris POV also felt so right - possibly because he's the one with the most growth in this fic - and getting to finally feel this triumph with him after all these other trials and tribulations was an absolute joy. The wedding hall, in my head, looks like the one my cousin used (it was at a zoo... my sister and I went on a night walk and heard a lot of screaming peacocks) and I definitely threw all my wistfulness, all my love for the characters I'd developed, and all my love for this fantastic fandom into this part. The incorrect lyrics that Annie sings are exactly what I think every time I hear that song, because I've never looked up the lyrics before and my brain likes to play Mad Libs with my super-questionable auditory processing. And the image of the ballroom staff getting really exasperated with them and shutting all the lights off came to me at night and is hastily scribbled on a sticky note (it's a wonder it's legible) but I still strongly believe that it's the perfect, perfect way to end. I still get the warm feelings when I reread this part, even now, after so many reads.

And, finally - our end quote is exactly what started this whole thing. What is this drama society if not a rough beginning? But the concept that we'll make it through, that we can just take a step and then another and it'll be okay because we're together... it's hard to describe just how much it means to me, to my place in the world, to the world itself. I think one of my rather consistent aims in writing, no matter what it is, is to be able to have this collective - characters that become family, people that are important to each other, this constellation to lean on - because it's all I can say for the human experience. It's probably quite a bit of wishful thinking (as I said to another friend, "I am apparently letting loose on all my repressed social feelings of the past year and shoving them into fics") and a sort of subconscious confirmation that if I write it, I can be it. So this force of understanding and kindness and ultimately good people helping each other through the world is something I can't help but include, something that means the absolute world to me.

I'm so glad to have been able to share this fic with everyone, and extra glad that it's been able to touch some people along the way. I've found such an incredible community in Mischief and coincidentally I think The Keep Going Song represents that warmth, too - the community I've been so lucky to exist inside, how we're helping each other along, step by step. What a beautiful thing to be a part of! Thank you for reading and allowing me to give you a bit of my heart. 💖💖

#director's cut #the keep going song

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beanzybrandon · 5 years

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High School! PRETTYMUCH — Edwin Honoret

• Edwin is the type of person that everyone knows • While most would assume this is due in part to some sort of cliche based on what they see in 80's coming-of-age high school movies, it's not. He's not the stereotypical jock/bully and he's far from being one of the popular kids who's "fame" was built on the premise of his good looks • In fact, he's very personable, and it's his inherent kindness that seems to draw people in • He is easily the sweetest kid you will ever meet. He goes out of his way to help people whenever he can and he makes it a point to include everyone in activities and discussion • All around, he's just a really dope dude • If it hadn't been for his outgoing nature and the need to try and make everyone feel comfortable, the two of you would not have met at all. • Transferring to a new school halfway through your junior year isn't exactly the most pleasant of situations. The stress that comes with having to adjust to everything is only amplified when you don't have someone to help you through it all • You hadn't talked to anyone aside from your teachers for a majority of the day. It wasn't until your fourth-period class rolled around that you had any sort of interaction with someone in your grade level • ‎And that wasn't due to any effort of your own • ‎You had quietly set about filling out the introductory paperwork your teacher had assigned, bobbing your head along to the beat of the song that flowed through your earbuds • ‎Before you could even register his presence, Edwin was dropping into the seat beside yours, a bright smile stretching across his lips as he turned to face you and extended a hand. "I don't think I've seen you around here before. I'm Edwin." • ‎"Y/N," you'd answer after removing your earbuds, brows furrowed in mild apprehension • ‎His hands were soft, though, and the smile he offered was warm and genuine. Both helped assuage any unease that might have sunken its talons into you • ‎Over the next several weeks, he did everything in his power to help you settle in and feel comfortable. • ‎Lots of smol things?? Like showing you around campus and introducing you to his friends (a set of equally pleasant people spread amongst each year) • ‎It didn't take long for you to become an official member of their little group. They seemed to adore you and the feeling was definitely mutual • ‎They were all fun and made the process of adapting that much easier • ‎It went without saying, though, that you were closest to Edwin • ‎The two of you spent quite a bit of time together and as the school year progressed, it reached a point where you were nearly attached at the hip. You became best friends in record time • ‎You spent time together in class, between classes, outside of school, and just about every available slot of time in between • ‎The feelings he held for you were far from platonic, though • ‎Poor thing had fallen harder for you than he thought possible • ‎Sadly enough, though, you seemed oblivious. No matter how obvious the hints he dropped were, you just didn't seem to be picking any of them up • ‎He was honestly beginning to feel as if his efforts might be for naught. It was kind of disheartening • ‎That is until prom rolled around • ‎He had been thinking about asking you to go with him for a while now. Why not confess while he was at it? There was no better time, really • ‎So he did • ‎In the softest way he knew how • ‎He spent the better part of a week planning the perfect proposal. He was rather satisfied with the way everything turned out by the time he had finished making arrangements • ‎It was pretty straightforward, for the most part. He had made a poster and had commissioned a couple of his friends to hold it when he actually set about asking you to go to prom • ‎The proposal itself was the part that differs from the norm • ‎He had an affinity for the ukulele and played for you quite often. He used this mutual appreciation in the hopes of wooing you and had written a song • ‎It was single-handedly the sweetest thing you had ever heard, the soft chords dancing alongside his angelic voice in a way that left your head fuzzy and your heart thumping erratically • ‎You accepted his proposal, of course • ‎Everything?? Was a whirlwind of euphoric surreality?? • You could barely remember having chosen your outfit, or even getting ready for the evening • ‎The entirety of the trip from your house to the venue had also been lost to time • ‎What you could remember, though, was how handsome Edwin looked when he came to pick you up. The softness of his hand as it enveloped yours and the beauty of that ever-present smile. You were certain that the image would be burned into your mind forever.

• The feeling of his body pressed so closely to your own on the dancefloor would certainly linger on your skin for years to come • The taste of his lips would be something you'd crave for an eternity • ‎The fact that he had even done it at all had come as quite the surprise. You couldn't say that you minded, though • ‎The two of you had been dancing, your head resting on his shoulder and the tips of his fingers digging slightly into tour hips. His hold was firm but far from uncomfortable • ‎You closed your eyes, body having grown accustomed to the gentle sway he had initiated. About halfway through the song (who's beat was slow and comforting but name you could not remember), he took hold of your chin and tilted your head upward. You hadn't even had the chance to open your eyes before soft lips were finding purchase on your own • ‎You melted into it almost immediately, hands moving to gingerly cup his face as you pressed yourself impossibly closer • ‎The rest is prettymuch (hAH) history • ‎He offered you a rushed, flustered apology the next morning, saying that it was inappropriate for him to have done something so brash without knowing if you even felt the same, much less if you were comfortable with him doing so • ‎You let him know everything was alright by laying another one on him • ‎He asked you out properly shortly thereafter • ‎Now?? Boyfriend Edwin?? • ‎The softest soft boy to ever soft!! • ‎He tries to teach you how to play the ukulele and writes cute little songs for you all the time • he'll slip little notes into your backpack or lunchbox as a little pick-me-up. he loves seeing the smile that stretches across your lips when you read them • Willingly gives you his hoodies. He thinks you look cute in them • ‎The master of planning dates?? He organizes the best picnics and can throw together a mean pillow fort for movie nights at home • ‎The biggest cuddle bug the world has ever seen • Like??? Nothing makes him happier than laying his head on your lap and having you play with his hair. He's fallen asleep because of how relaxing it is on more than one occasion • Just give him a hug and he'll be happy for the rest of the year • TL;DR: He is the sweetest baby in the history of the world and if you don't give him the affection he deserves, what are you even doing?

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porchwood · 6 years

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Okay, here goes. The incredible @everlarkedalways created a GoFundMe to help me out through present circumstances, but before I share that link, I wanted to explain a bit of what’s been going on. I feel awful accepting financial help, in part because I’ve been such a dry well for the past 18 months (I have nothing creative to give back/say “thank you” with) and also because so many of you have previously contributed monies to help me through other crisis points over the past five years (yes, it’s been that long and no, it doesn’t seem to be getting any better). But things are maybe the most desperate they’ve ever been and I really can’t say no to badly needed help.

Because I’m long-winded, I’m going to try to condense this into a simple chronological order. Things have been relentlessly bad since my car accident on December 26, 2013, but this is where the current run really started:

December 2017: The day after Christmas, I went to the ER at 3am with excruciating chest and upper back pain, a bad experience all around (terrible staff, indifferent care). Their best guess was that I’d had an acid reflux attack, something I’d never had before (but have had since, alas :/).

January 2018: The ER bill saga began, and after loads of paperwork/headaches applying for any kind of aid/bill forgiveness, they put me on a payment plan for the $1,343 balance (and yes, that was "after” insurance - Marketplace policies are crap and all they did was “adjust” the total; nothing was covered). Meanwhile, I started taking Lucky to an acupuncturist over an hour’s drive away, desperate to find something to ease her severe separation anxiety (nonstop barking and howling when I was gone, which we have been struggling to treat, with varying degrees of success, for over two years). The sessions were very expensive (around $400 for one month - I had to put them on a credit card that I’m still chipping away at) and actually made her WORSE.

February 2018: The downstairs neighbors left a mildly threatening note about Lucky’s howling - the day before my birthday. In a ridiculous twist of luck, I managed to find a great sitter who only takes little dogs and was (and still is) able to watch Lucky for me as needed, but it cost me $25/day. (At most I would use her two days a week, but you can see how quickly that would add up.) At the same time, I also started administering CBD drops (suggested by our new vet) to Lucks when I had to leave her at home.

July 2018: After increasing the dosage multiple times, I finally started seeing improvement in Lucky’s behavior from a combination of the CBD drops and SAMe, which was huge (note the timespan), but these therapies cost about $100 month. I resolved to make it work somehow.

September 2018: I found out that my workplace had been bought out by an area salon and would be changing hands soon. Shortly thereafter the new owner sent us the employee handbook, which stated that we could not have another job in the same field (many massage therapists in this part of the country work at multiple places as there simply isn’t enough work to go around, especially in the off-season). The new owner was originally okay with me keeping my second job (on-call work at a yoga studio), and then I learned that that position was switching from a subcontractor to an outright rental (I would have to pay up front for the use of the room and possibly make none of it back while having to promote myself as a business), so for several reasons I decided I would leave that second job at the end of October and try to pick up more hours at my “main” job. One bright spot in all this: the downstairs neighbors moved out at the end of the month, but...

October 2018: ...the day after the neighbors moved out, the landlord informed my roommate (a THG fandom friend and content creator) that the owner of our building had sold the property and that we had 30 days to vacate. I can’t even begin to articulate how stressful, expensive, frightening, and exhausting that time was. By the end of October our only real option was a little house approximately 10 miles from town, and miraculously we got ourselves moved out there - to the tune of lots of $$$ and insane energy expenditure.

November 2018: Because I now lived about 20 mins from work and I have to come home at lunchtime to take Lucky out (and give her a booster of anxiety drops), I had to switch to split shifts. If you’ve ever worked split shifts, you will understand why this sucks (you’re never home, you’re always tired, and you never see or spend time with the people you live with). My new boss put me on the schedule for two additional days a week (I initially had just two days a week, period, hence the second job), which initially seemed very promising, but neither myself nor the rest of the staff realized that the new management had an either/or policy when it comes to pay. (This is messy and frustrating to explain, but in a nutshell: instead of getting paid commission for massages and hourly for the rest of your clocked-in time - laundry, desk help, etc - you get paid ONLY commission, i.e., nothing for all the extra things you do, unless the commission divided by hours amounts to less than minimum wage, in which case they pay you minimum wage for the week instead, including for your massage hours. Which is not cool but is, apparently, legal.) So I was driving about an hour a day (20 mins each way, twice, to the tune of about 300 miles/week) just to make minimum wage (we were entering the dead season for massage and I’m the perpetual “second string” therapist anyway, so some weeks I had just four clients in four days :/), which was exhausting and disheartening.

December 2018: Daylight glimmered: my sister (with whom I am extremely close and who I hadn’t seen in a year and a half) flew out to see me after Christmas. A coworker agreed to cover the whole week and a half of her visit for me, and I was a little nervous about taking the time off (unpaid, of course) at such a rotten financial time, but I hadn’t had a vacation of any kind since moving to Maine nor a weekend off since August of 2017. I resolved to be extra frugal during her visit and my work schedule was going to be almost full after she left, so I was pretty sure I could squeak through somehow.

I saw her off on her return trip, and that night I was carrying some dishes down from our living room when I took a very bad fall down the stairs. These are awful, steep “Maine stairs,” and in my fall my left leg shot out through the open side of the staircase and wedged the knee against the bookcase in the dining room below. When I tried to get up I realized that something was very wrong with my knee, and my roommate helped me to bed with ice, a brace, ibuprofen, etc. The following morning I went to the hospital and was directed to the same stupid ER (the last place I ever wanted to go again, but they don’t have urgent care out here and wouldn’t let me just see a GP, so I broke down and cried in admissions). The care I received was middling, if not as bad as on my previous visit, and the nurse-practitioner ordered no weight-bearing for three days, which meant losing the rest of that (desperately needed) work week, and advised following up with orthopedics the next week if the knee wasn’t better.

My wonderful roommate made all kinds of accommodations for my comfort for those three days, and I implemented all the extra therapies I could think of (turmeric, arnica, l-glutamine, Epsom salt soaks, etc). I asked my employers about the possibility of picking up non-massage hours (covering the desk, laundry, etc) but was given the impression that there was nothing for me to do till I could return to massage again. I went to the orthopedic doctor last Thursday and his diagnosis was an MCL (least concerning of the knee ligaments) sprain or tear. I was already strides ahead on his self-care recommendations (getting myself off the crutches, constantly wearing a good brace) and he was supposed to refer me for some PT, but I haven’t heard a peep on that front, and I’m not particularly concerned because, Lord knows, my insurance probably wouldn’t pay for that anyway. He estimated 4 weeks to full recovery but I’m determined to get back to work before that.

So, here’s where we’re at: I’m out of work at the worst time of year, and at the very least, I’ll lose 2.5 weeks of pay (on top of the planned week I took off, plus Christmas and New Year’s were unpaid holidays). Because we live in Maine where everyone has beastly heating fuel, even in a decently insulated house (as I believe this one to be), it costs us around $350 a month to keep the place at 58 degrees through the winter months. (Yes, 58 degrees. 60 if we’re splurging.)

My credit cards are maxed out from car repairs and copious Lucky expenses (including an emergency vet visit - she ended up being fine but it was one of those things that happens after hours/over a weekend and you really shouldn’t wait several days to have checked out).

Oh, and just for fun, our January rent payment got lost in the mail. The landlord was very nice about it and we promptly sent out a replacement, but this meant paying $35 for a stop-payment on the missing check (did I mention that I had to buy checks, to the tune of almost $30, just for paying rent?).

Those of you who have already donated: you are quite literally keeping me going right now. You covered Lucky’s rabies booster yesterday and refills of her food and supplements (all of which, naturally, were running out at the same time), and Lucky is absolutely the reason I’m still alive, so her care honestly means more to me than my own.

I have no idea what my medical bills will look like at this point. I’m assuming the ER visit will be around $1000, and I’m sure the orthopedic visit will be up there somewhere too. As soon as bills start coming in I’ll apply for aid (or, likelier than not, a payment plan), but in order to do that they’re going to want my new tax returns, which means I’m going to have to get my taxes done (probably in Feb) just to find out what my ultimate medical expenses will be. (I used to do my own taxes cheaply through TaxAct, but I was a subcontractor for part of the year, which complicates things and means having to pay someone $$$ to do them this round. I may actually owe on my taxes this year, which is terrifying.)

The healing has been going well overall and I’m hoping to be able to go back to work next week, but I don’t want to assume my knee will oblige. To add insult to injury, I just got hammered with a terrible cold (the kind that levels you in bed), so my body is triaging itself and I’m not sure which is going to get the care first. Surprisingly enough, Lucky’s being a great little nurse, but recovery is a difficult and very lonely process, especially when you get saddled with illness on top of injury.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I’ve been reluctant to talk about the miserable past year, but in light of the fact that I’m receiving (and, I guess, asking for :/ ) help, I thought you should know what’s been going on. Thanks for listening and blessings on your day. <3

#bad stuff #gofundme

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mystieres · 5 years

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hello

it’s swagoru. this will be a message for the people who care about me or just don’t have anything else to do. (sorry if this is straightforward.) it is april 3 today, so please don’t treat this as a prank.

includes: general mood for the past few months, notice of hiatus, where else u can find me, and my plans while i’m on hiatus

once you’ve started reading this, please read through everything. i might cause misunderstandings if only part of this is read.

i am posting with the risk that people will not see this. and that’s alright. i just want to say it. i’m used to people not saying anything back for now. i never expect responses of any kind until they are actually given. this is a little pessimistic but i promise you all that i will not be doing anything reckless. and i promise that i do not blame anyone for this. the message was intended for the sole purpose of expressing how i feel and what i will be doing, and it is not against anyone.

i’ll start with the bad stuff first.

i’ll be frank, and i won’t blame anyone. i feel unwanted on social media and in general. and i don’t want anyone telling me that they did want me around all along, because that doesn’t change the way i experienced or the way i currently feel. i don’t want anyone to apologize for this either, because maybe they really don’t want me around, or they didn’t know how i felt. in any way, none of you are ultimately responsible for how i feel. don’t be. don’t feel responsible. in the end, i should be the one responsible for my own feelings and happiness. it’s just what i’m feeling right now. but i really do love and appreciate the messages of help i have gotten, all the gifts. they have pushed me forward.

while i tried to be as accommodating as possible before, i somehow ended up becoming selfish. as much as i tried to prevent people becoming uncomfortable, somehow i did. i unknowingly hurt others or made them uncomfortable. i do have my own personal problems but i won’t use them as an excuse. i’ve been through a lot, but it shouldn’t have changed the way i talked with others. i’m sorry.

i know i might have been rude or weird without being aware of it. but i just wanted you all to know that i appreciate you all a lot. everything has been causing me anxiety lately. i don’t know what i’m supposed to feel on social media anymore. i feel like i don’t belong anywhere anymore. irl, all my other friends are in relationships, and i’m really starting to feel that i was meant to be a lone wolf. right now, everyone’s already developed close ties when i started interacting with them.

in short, when it comes to building relationships and socializing, while some of you consider yourselves bad at doing this, i am a complete failure. i don’t know how to interact with past friends. even a hello seems awkward and like a burden. but i am afraid of hurting, of being hurt, leaving, and being left behind. and it always feels like something is going out of my control. and i am creating and maintaining the status quo of being alone. i am hoping that this will change. of course, i should be changing the way that i look at myself. but i see myself as nothing more than a problem to others, and have been for the past six or so years.

now, some of you might have offered or will offer your dms for me, and i appreciate it. it really means a lot. unfortunately, i’ve never been the type to want to rely on anyone because then, i’d feel like a burden. most of the time i’d prefer to just rely on myself instead of giving other people more problems as i know they’re busy, or i’m just not close with them. i have been so used to people spoon-feeding me, or completely leaving things to me, that asking for help is a completely foreign idea. someone like me, who is completely aware of her weaknesses, needs to learn how to rely on others. i would like to change this someday, but it’s just improbable for me to do that right now.

i have been having periods of silence where i would refuse to talk or reply to anyone for a few days at a time unless necessary. this has happened at least twice in the past month. i don’t want to feel rude or like a problem. another reason is that i don’t get that much interactions anymore. so i just don’t see any point. my lack of self-esteem aside, maybe i’m not that likable, i’m not very fun to talk to, or maybe what i make sucks or i’m just not talented enough. the algorithm has something to do with it too, i guess. all of them are good explanations.

a lot of you can understand how disheartening that must feel. personally it makes me feel inferior or unwanted. often i get told, “well, screw what they do. just continue to do your stuff!” and i will. i tell this to other people a lot. i’ll continue to draw and write. but as for small talk, i don’t know what exactly to say. there has to be a point now. i can’t say things that don’t make sense anymore.

so to the people i know on tumblr, instagram, twitter, and discord, thank you so much for being a great part of my little circle of friends. i’m going to admit i don’t keep many. i love you all so much that you’ve all made me cry with your kind words, gifts, and playlists. the music, art, writing, and advice you share. a bunch of you even met me before i turned into a legal adult, and even saw me through graduation. although i can’t recall every single thing i’ve experienced, i just wanted you all to know that i’ve been thankful for everything so far. you’re all great and amazing people. and i feel like i can’t express it enough. i am hoping that this is just another phase of me trying to break out of my shell.

there is a high likelihood of me going on an indefinite hiatus. this has happened before. all these past breaks have been half-assed and only making my emotional health worse. if i feel unwanted, then something must be wrong with me and i must change it myself. but i can’t do it while being problematic to others. it’s self-defeating. i must go on and better myself. and most of all, i’m tired of treating my depression and adhd as excuses. i’ll experience problems, but i don’t want to talk about them anymore when i could just do something.

i have logged out of my current discord because i always feel compelled to open messages and talk. i’m not forced. but i’m making myself uncomfortable.

twitter will probably be the exception (handle: swagoru_), and i will continue posting online, waaay less on tumblr. i cannot guarantee replies to messages. i’ve tried socializing but i just suck, so i’m too afraid to reply to anything. i have also put up a wordpress (check reblogs for the site) but there’s nothing in it yet. best site ever, because i won’t feel pressured or forced to interact or gain clout.

and here’s some slightly better news. please let me flex for now.

i am graduating with around/at least 11 awards bagged in total for my entire high school life (grades 9-12). some math contests and journalism stuff. and i am going on to college.

it leaves me with just one issue: money. i am budgeting the inheritance i received from my late mother. aside from her, no one else is earning money for me. i have the support of my grandparents but i want to establish financial independence as soon as possible. i tried to apply for a job a while back but i was so busy. but i might take it this summer. for months i have been considering commissions, but it’s either i don’t have enough clout or talent to do them. my works barely get any notice so i’m deciding against it. but i am always going to try improving my art, writing, and myself. one day i will be brave enough to open commissions. i hope some of you will consider when i have my portfolio ready.

this means that i will be a lot busier preparing and improving myself. this also serves as my adjustment period from a high school student who was sheltered and completely dependent all her life to someone who is slowly being introduced into adulthood and reality. i’m still learning how to live. i can’t let others befriend me while i’m still a mess. and most of all, even with my conditions, i don’t expect the world to adjust to me.

but when i become active here again, i hope that i’ll have the courage to speak and reply like usual. i hope to get rid of all this negativity and this shyness i must overcome.

i hope you read through everything. i’m going to miss you guys. i don’t know when i’ll be more active to talk. hopefully when we do, i will have become a better person by then.

all the love,

swagoru 💙

#mentions of depression #mentions of anxiety #mentions of adhd #real life talk #swagoru on hiatus

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trulymightypotato · 6 years

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On the Comparative Value of Labor

A few people have told me recently that I should pick up x or y thing and make money with it on the side: knitting, cross-stitching, so on and so forth. “You can sell little embroidered key chains for five bucks some weekend and make some pocket change!” they say, completely unaware that that’s nowhere near the right amount of money to even break even with the cost of material and time that I put into it.

Especially considering that I’m slower at these tasks than most people.

This is, largely, because knitting and cross-stitch are tasks with extremely fine motor control--tasks I struggle with on a daily basis due to both the strain it puts on my joints and my general lack of fine motor control in the first place.

I’m familiar with the basics of both trades. I’ve knitted (though the most complicated thing I’ve ever managed is a scarf, because uneven yarn tension doesn’t matter so much there) and I’ve done a wide variety of embroidery (my current project is a set of throw pillows for a cousin’s wedding gift--a project, that despite the low surface area of the pillows that’s being covered, has taken me six months and I’m still not done).

One of my roommates can pick up crochet and make a scarf in a matter of days.

And yet the scarf that I spent four weeks knitting non-stop to get done in time for Christmas and the scarf my roommate made in a week would be valued the same--if not hers as a higher worth, because she’s able to control the yarn and make for a smoother finished project.

Despite the fact that a keychain-sized cross-stitch item would cost me materials and about four hours of time, it would be valued at five dollars.

My work, at a detail that causes me pain, is valued at $1.25 an hour.

You might be able to see the problem here.

This applies to more than the physical crafts.

It applies to "The market price is crap and also based on people who work faster than you do because they’re not in pain.”

I do digital art. I do it when I have the time and a subject in mind, which means it happens less often than I’d like. I’ve done commissions before, too, and contracted work.

The thing is, even though my commissions are “too expensive,” they’re honestly not costly enough. Not only is someone paying for a digital product, but they’re also paying for my time, for the experience I have in digital work, my style, and the physical effort it takes for me to actually complete a piece with intensive feedback. A total of three (3) people have ever commissioned me, and while I’m glad one of them has repeatedly come back for more, it’s disheartening to see the vast majority of people aren’t interested in paying a still-too-low wage.

As for that contract work I did--legally speaking, I’m not allowed to divulge details, but know that because “it’s a lot of work you’ll get paid plenty by the time it’s all over” I did intensive pieces and got paid under half of what I should have been. By the time I found out how much work there really was, and the changes the other party demanded months after getting a final piece sent to them, I was locked into a contract that didn’t give me any hope for improvement. (Also, they wouldn’t pay me for months at a time and got upset when I refused to hand over the final products until I got paid.)

By the time everything was said and done, I was getting paid about $3 an hour.

Somehow, because some people can draw faster than I can for the same product, that means I get paid less than a fair wage.

It’s one of the reasons commissions haven’t been open in a while. I can’t handle that again--both the mental strain and the physical damage caused by both working a regular job and drawing for another 4-6 hours a day to get stuff done.

It applies to “Other people have more time to do things than you do, and yet you’re held to the same standard.”

I record videos and put them on YouTube for fun. There was a period of time, about two years ago, when I was able to put out a video nearly every day. It was expected of me, so why wouldn’t I? And then, very suddenly, videos stopped for several months. Why?

Well, because I was taking 15 credits of college classes and working.

I would get all my homework done on my commute on public transport to and from college and in the breaks between classes. On particularly rough days I’d do a few more hours of it when I got home.

Then I’d have an irregularly-scheduled job where I’d work two 8 hour shifts back to back (either on sequential days or, on a few notable occasions, on the same day--you read that right, 16 hour days) and then a single 4 hour shift and then I wouldn’t be allowed to work more because then they’d have to start paying me benefits.

Because of this, money was so tight that some months I could barely pay rent, much less afford to eat.

I’d have chores I needed to do, ranging from the basic “clean room” and “dishes” and “laundry” (a task that takes several hours, assuming all the washers and dryers at the laundromat are working properly) to the more technically complicated “grocery shopping” (since I didn’t and still don’t have a car and had to rely on public transportation) and “scheduled appointments”.

I didn’t have time to put out videos, and yet I still felt I had to. My mental health was suffering to the point where my physical health was suffering (something I’m still dealing with the ramifications of to this day), and the only thing I could cut was videos.

So I did.

I stumbled through my last semesters of college (and I graduated with a GPA lower than I’d wanted but above a 3.0 so really that was nice) and got a new job--one that works me regular hours, even if those hours start at 4:30 in the morning.

And for several months into 2018, that was all I could do.

Sure, I managed to get out a few videos in that time, but I wasn’t really happy with them, and judging by the analytics on my channel, neither was anyone else.

It applies to “There’s a lot of invisible work that goes into this.”

I know I write fanfic for free. I’m planning on keeping it that way. It’s a good way for me to clear my mind and get creative, without the pressure of having a “final product” to show off at the end. I mean, I will have a final product, hypothetically, but I’m not really expected to show it to anyone in a professional context.

But then there are those comments--comments at the ends of chapters and in articles written by “professionals” and “experts.” The ones that say “Anyone can write. You’re just making things up for the fun of it, of course it’s not difficult” and “It’s been so long, when’s the next chapter going to be out?”

Except that it’s not so easy as that.

Yes, absolutely, I do it for fun. I do it for fun all the time. I do it for the satisfaction, and for the enjoyment of writing.

But the final product you see? Is not just something I tipped out onto the page.

In Royal Flush, for example, each and every chapter is started with a specific purpose in mind. A thing, a very specific thing, needs to happen. Maybe someone needs to learn information, or an aspect of 1920s culture needs to be showcased to better explain someone’s motives and actions.

All of this requires research. Research into clothing customs, and into social greetings and actions out in public and the customary ways to do such and such. Research into the vehicles of the time. Research into the medicine of the time (which is a particularly tricky one). Research into politics and public opinions and real-life historical figures.

The average chapter of Royal Flush takes me a week to a month to write.

This is a call to remember that just because a job looks easy, it’s probably not. If you think you can do it better, feel free. If you’re going to be That Person, then I don’t want to work for or with you. If you approach me on social media, I will block you.

Remember: for the vast majority of the “easy work for easy money” I perform, the work begins as soon as negotiations open--not as soon as I actually sit down and start working on the art, or the chapter, or the cross-stitch.

By engaging in someone’s work, you are agreeing to THEIR terms, to THEIR labor, to pay THEM a fair wage for the time and work THEY put into it--not your neighbor, not yourself, not a robot in a factory.

You are hiring a person. Rates may vary.

#value of labor #work is work #that's what it is #even if you don't think it counts as work #i promise #it's work #long post

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perfectirishgifts · 4 years

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Struggling With Burnout? Here’s How This Millennial Entrepreneur Navigated And Beat It

New Post has been published on https://perfectirishgifts.com/struggling-with-burnout-heres-how-this-millennial-entrepreneur-navigated-and-beat-it/

Struggling With Burnout? Here’s How This Millennial Entrepreneur Navigated And Beat It

Burnout concept.

It goes without saying that burnout is on the rise. Burnout is a syndrome known to affect our well-being and psychological, physical and occupational health, with consequences ranging from musculoskeletal pain, depression to heart disease. There’s a lot of research surrounding burnout based on workers in a traditional corporate setting and what employers can do to shift the tide, but how do you navigate burnout as a current or future entrepreneur?

You have the freedom to create your schedule, craft your job description and build the career of your dreams, but this privilege doesn’t always come without a cost. Long work hours, uncertainty and a high level of passion without support and community can all contribute to the cycle of stress and, eventually, burnout. One study reveals there is a “dark side of passion” where you throw yourself into your work and rarely exercise the freedom to break away.

Even with passion, businesses are closing by the thousands; according to Yelp.com’s Local Economic Impact report, more than 97,966 businesses have permanently shut down during the pandemic. Black-owned businesses are especially feeling the effects, with the number of active Black small-business owners falling below 41% from February through April, nearly twice the rate of non-Black-owned businesses. Studies continue to show disparities between black and white business owners from fighting for access to venture capital, failing to acquire business and government loans to contending with discrimination and burnout. US Federal Reserve data reveals less than 47% of financing applications filed by African American business owners get approved, painting a tilted playing field against the black entrepreneur.

I caught up with an entrepreneur who is also a millennial of color. Joesph Castle is the CEO of tecnologika, an IT solutions business formed at the peak of the last recession in the 2000’s. Castle, who now has business locations on three continents and is redefining how companies engage with IT solutions providers, is no stranger to building a successful business under pressure.

Rachel Montañez: Tell us about your journey to entrepreneurship.

A millennial entrepreneur who navigated and beat burnout

Joesph Castle: At the age of 17, I dropped out of further education and got an entry-level job as a sales support associate with the largest Apple reseller in the UK (much to my father’s dismay as he was a proud academic).

In my later school years, I established a couple of self-observations. I was not academic; I loved social interactions and making new relationships, and I had a hunger for technology. So, I formulated a 2-year and 5-year plan, and when I felt confident in my current role, I applied for positions that took me completely out of my comfort zone. Three years into my sales career, I found my niche; I was working as a business development manager, and I was given the freedom to plan and execute the growth of my portfolio of clients. Quantitative trading, a form of electronic trading, was the market that I excelled in.

The industry was so new that not many people understood the “whys” that were driving the IT investment by these bleeding-edge trading firms. This was probably around the first time I questioned my place in the organization and started to think about the bigger picture. Rather than spending my commission checks on frivolous gratification, I set a financial goal of how much I thought I would need to set up independently. When I hit that financial target, there was no going back, and tecnologika was born.

Montañez: As a millennial entrepreneur of mixed-race heritage, what would you say to millennials of color with big entrepreneurial aspirations who are disheartened by studies highlighting racial discrimination?

Castle: Stand out. Being different is an advantage, but only if you see it as one.

It’s easy to think you’re going to be perceived differently in corporate industries that lack diversity. But if you believe in your vision, are confident in your ability and — most importantly — do what you do well, success won’t be far.

I also think that believing you are at a disadvantage because of a stereotype is a negative perception. Typically, you manifest what you believe. It’s only going to cultivate insecurities and create obstacles to forming meaningful rapport, which is the basis of great relationships and partnerships.

Montañez: As you continued to build your business, tell us what burnout looked like for you.

Castle: Burnout, for me, wasn’t a sudden realization that I’m running on fumes and need to take time out. I found that the most debilitating side effects of burnout were a lack of motivation, a lack of creativity and a lack of focus. I really had to dig deep to push through periods of time and carry on, hoping I would reignite my fire. My daily routine wasn’t effective, so I had to question the “whys” of how I spent my time and then re-organize my time.

What’s interesting is entrepreneurs realize very early on that successful habits breed successful results. We talk about the positives of creating processes that generate results. But there’s also a less spoken about side of the cost of these processes. Be it on your personal life or simply the long-term effects that self-inflicted pressure to function at your highest level has on your overall well-being.

Montañez: While experiencing burnout, what was going through your mind?

Castle: I ask myself a lot of questions. From, “Why is this task taking twice the amount of time I anticipated it taking?” To more simply, “Why am I struggling to work a 12-hour workday?”

“Can I delegate this out?” “Do I need to force myself to do this now, or can I come back to it when I have more focus?” “Why am I vacant, and where has my creativity gone?”

Montañez: What three things helped you beat burnout?

Castle: Patience with myself and acceptance. I’ve always put pressure on myself to make the progress I think I need to see as quickly as I can. There are so many things out of our control; accept those things, and focus on what we can influence. It’s a grounding realization.

Music. I’ve always been a keen amateur musician. When things got full-on, I decided to take classical piano lessons rather than just fumble around on a keyboard and play my guitar. It was a great tonic to end my day, completely removing myself from thinking about work and learning something new.

Last but not least, philanthropy.

I looked into ways that I could add value to a cause that was greater than my own. I spoke to several charities to learn about their mission to see if I could be of value to them and found a local charity in the heart of East London that, at the time, supported financially deprived communities by delivering supportive services. I fell in love with the mission and became a trustee. Eight years later, Skyway is going strong, and I’m equally as passionate.

Beating burnout requires a holistic approach, but understanding that passion is a double-edged sword can help you to cultivate practices that sustain you for the long run. Your business is only as strong as you are.

From Diversity & Inclusion in Perfectirishgifts

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williamlwolf89 · 4 years

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Beginner’s Guide to CJ Affiliate (Commission Junction) in 2020

Let me guess — CJ Affiliate by Conversant (aka Commission Junction) keeps popping up on your radar, and you’re itching to sign up as a publisher.

But whoa, not so fast.

You want to know what you’re in for before you commit to it.

Those questions racing in your mind?

You need answers, stat.

“What payment methods are available?”

“Why should I join when I’m already a member of other affiliate networks?”

And, of course: “How do I start?”

In this definitive 2020 guide, you’ll learn exactly that.

You’ll also discover just what it takes to earn a passive income with affiliate marketing networks and how to use CJ Affiliate to partner with the biggest brands in the world.

Let’s begin.

CJ Affiliate (Commission Junction): Q&A

What is CJ Affiliate?

Founded over 20 years ago in Santa Barbara, California, CJ Affiliate is one of the world’s largest and oldest affiliate networks.

It specializes in pay-for-performance programs and is part of a Fortune 500 company called Alliance Data Systems.

Yep, that’s how big CJ Affiliate is.

Free Bonus: How to Go From $0 to $1,000 in Passive Income With Affiliate Marketing

With an astounding track record since 1998, this massive affiliate network has 15 offices worldwide and over 3,000 merchants.

Ever wanted to work with the big kahunas like J.Crew, Barnes & Nobles, and GoPro?

CJ Affiliate is it.

How is CJ Affiliate Different From Other Affiliate Networks?

CJ Affiliate has several features to distinguish it from Amazon Associates, ClickBank, ShareASale, eBay Partner Network, and other the affiliate network programs out there for affiliate marketers. Here are a few of them:

1. Stellar Real-Time Reporting

CJ Affiliate is renowned for its always up-to-the-minute analytics.

This means you never have to refresh the page because you can monitor your activity as it happens.

Granted, navigating the dashboard for the first few times may feel overwhelming.

But as you spend more time exploring it, everything becomes intuitive. You’ll also come to realize how invaluable these features really are.

With these insights in your fingertips, you know the types of affiliate products that work best on your blog and how to create content readers love.

2. Tons of Selectivity

Most display advertising networks bunch up dozens of products in one ad code — not CJ Affiliate.

As an affiliate publisher, you choose exactly which advertisers’ individual products you want to display and where.

3. Royal Treatment for Star Publishers

Do you create top-notch content in your blog? Does your blog have 10K+ page views a month? If so, you want to look into CJ Affiliate’s Content Certified program.

As a Content Certified publisher, you automatically connect with over 600 brands — brands that are the cream of the crop.

Thanks to this attractive perk, you enjoy pre-approved access to advertisers for premium rates while maintaining editorial control over your blog’s content.

What are the Sign Up Requirements for CJ Affiliate?

It’s free to join CJ Affiliate.

However, you do have to be at least 18 years old and own a website to sign up as a publisher.

What if you own multiple websites? Does this mean you have to set up multiple accounts?

Not at all. Simply go to Account > Websites > Add Website.

A word of caution:

If you have a new website with little traffic, watch out. Publishers who fail to get results within their first 6 months may get deactivated.

What Affiliate Programs are Available with CJ Affiliate?

CJ Affiliate boasts a phenomenal variety of programs.

From automotive and electronics to gardening and recycling, there really is something for every blogger or entrepreneur.

When you’re on Links > Search, you’ll notice the special filters on the left, like:

Events: Mother’s Day, Christmas, Cyber Monday

Promotion Type: Sales, Hot sweeps, Hot product

Link Types: Banner, Text Link, Content Link

Let’s explore how this works out.

Say, you run a health blog and want to promote health equipment in your blog post, 7 Best Pieces of Equipment for Health Fanatics (Up to __% Discounts!).

With this goal in mind, you could select…

Category: Health > Equipment

Promotion Types: Sale/Discount

Link Types: Banner, Text Link

…and pick the ads that best fit your content.

Pretty neat.

Most offers on CJ Affiliate are cost per acquisition (CPA) — such as pay-per-sale, pay-per-lead, and pay-per-call.

Occasionally, a handful of advertisers offer pay-per-view or pay-per-click.

Placements and flat spend opportunities are also available.

Depending on which program you choose, you can promote products on social media.

Tip: Review the policies of both the advertiser and social media platform before you proceed.

What are CJ Affiliate’s Payment Methods?

As a publisher, you get paid via direct deposit, check, or Payoneer (for non-US folks).

CJ Affiliate pays out within 20 days of the end of the month, as long as you have a minimum payment threshold of US$50 (Direct Deposit) or US$100 (Check).

Commissions from multiple programs will be put together in one account.

For international folks, Payoneer offers over 150 local currencies with zero clearing fees. Commissions are processed according to CJ Affiliate’s standard schedule.

As of this writing, CJ Affiliate doesn’t offer payment via PayPal or credit cards.

Which is it: CJ Affiliate or Commission Junction?

In 2014, Commission Junction’s parent company, ValueClick, was rebranded to Conversant.

Conversant then rebranded Commission Junction to CJ Affiliate.

As a result, people refer to the network by both names: CJ Affiliate (its official name) and Commission Junction (its name for 16 years).

In short, both names are correct.

Alright, now that we’ve gone over the frequently asked questions, let’s roll up our sleeves and tackle the ins and outs of CJ Affiliate.

Starting with:

How Do I Sign Up for CJ Affiliate?

Go to cj.com and sign up as a publisher. Fill in personal information like your name, email address, and preferred language. Click Next.

Look for the confirmation email in your inbox and click the green button ‘Create my CJ Publisher Account’:

You will then be directed to the Publisher Sign Up Form. Fill in your details and click ‘Accept Terms’ to complete registration.

After sign up, you’ll be immediately directed to your CJ Account Manager, a dashboard that housed important details like your network stats, performance summary, and messages.

First, click Account > Network Profile. (Note: you need to complete this profile to join affiliate programs.)

You’ll see these 3 sections in the Network Profile:

Website description (e.g. Share your website’s strengths and relevant statistics.)

Promotion methods (e.g. What affiliate channels do you use to promote advertisers? Is it a blog post, email, social media, or other digital marketing platform?)

Documents (e.g. Do you have a media kit? This is optional but raises your chance of being selected.)

Complete these 3 sections to show advertisers the value you bring and how you amplify their reach with your audience.

Think of it as your cover letter.

The Network Profile is your chance to stand out amongst the sea of publishers.

Next, click Account > Administrative Settings to edit your payment and tax information.

Edit Payment Information and select if you want to receive payment via direct deposit, check, or Payoneer.

Then, edit your Tax Information. CJ Affiliate requires all publishers to submit their tax forms for payout.

US:

W-9 Request for Taxpayer Identification and Certification

Non-US:

W-8BEN Certificate of Foreign Status of Beneficial Owner for United States Tax Withholding

Certificate of No United States Activities

Contact your tax advisor or visit your country’s IRS website if you have questions.

Power tip: Remember to submit a new tax certification if you change your country or business type to receive continued payment.

How Does CJ Affiliate Work?

You should at least have a basic understanding of HTML, as you need this skill to insert the tracking code in your website.

If HTML is completely foreign to you, visit w3schools to pick up this new skill.

To find advertisers within your niche, click Advertisers > Category.

Before you start joining affiliate programs, let’s break down what these 3 columns mean.

The first column, Network Earnings, shows how an advertiser performs on CJ Affiliate.

See that green bar? It’s based on the volume of commissions paid out to publishers like you.

The longer the green bar, the better it is. This indicates the advertisers are actively paying commissions, which is a great sign.

New accounts are labeled “New” for their first three months.

The second column, Earnings per click (EPC) measures how many visitors you can drive through your site that will generate sales for advertisers.

During this 3-month and 7-day period, if there are less than 1000 and 100 clicks respectively, N/A will be displayed.

To view more details about the program, click on the advertiser. It tells you important information such as the commission rates, policies, and referral period.

Click the green ‘Join Program’ button in the third column to submit your application. During this stage, you may be required to accept the terms and conditions.

Many advertisers use automatic rules to accept or decline applications, whereas some review manually.

Responses can take from a day to a few weeks, so you may need to be patient.

Now… advertisers on CJ Affiliate are notorious for being picky.

If your website — knocks on wood — gets rejected, don’t be disheartened. Move on to the next advertiser. Who knows, they may be a better match for your blog.

Upon approval, click Get Links.

Power tip: If you pick banner, flash or text links, hover over the icon to get a preview of the ad. You can see how it will appear on your website.

Next, click the Get Code (</>) button:

There are 4 choices to choose from:

HTML

JavaScript

Click URL (for search engine promotion, aka Google and Bing)

Image URL (for products)

If you want to customize your code (e.g. open in new tab), only customize it via the Get Code interface on CJ Affiliate. Remember to update it. If you don’t, your changes will not take effect.

You’ll notice several advertisers’ codes include different click domains or additional parameters. Do not modify them.

CJ Affiliate will not take any responsibility if publishers modify and make a mistake with the codes.

If you want to modify them or have questions about the code, contact the relevant advertiser (not CJ Affiliate). You can do this in your dashboard: Mail > Messages > Compose.

After you finish customizing, copy the entire code:

…and paste it into your web page.

If you select HTML, make sure you’re on Text editor mode before you paste it.

Need to refresh your memory? Here’s a handy guide on how to use WordPress’s Block Editor.

Voila, you’re done.

To verify your tracking code, go to Reports > Performance Reports.

Adjust the filters as you see fit. Let it run for a while. If your link is reporting clicks or impressions, it’s tracking.

Power tip: Watch out for invalid links on a daily basis, as offers expire or advertisers may get deactivated.

On your Tasks list, look for a “Review __ click(s) from invalid links”.

And keep a close eye on your notifications. You will be notified if a link or ad isn’t working.

If you’ve been reading CJ Affiliate reviews in forums, you’ll notice there have been numerous cases where publishers are promoting links even when advertisers have already left the program.

Don’t let this soul-crushing situation happen to you.

It’s a huge waste of time and effort.

Final Tips to Make it Big on CJ Affiliate

Your website needs a ton of targeted traffic to start earning commissions.

Typically, it takes three to six months to start seeing results.

Affiliate marketing is a patience and stamina game⁠ — and CJ Affiliate is no exception.

Bloggers who have found success recommend this: create your blog’s content around the product. Select the products you trust and love. From there, brainstorm lead generation and content ideas for new customers.

For example, Riley Adams of Young and the Invested is an affiliate of tax preparation software, TurboTax. Take a look at how he shapes his content around the product:

You can do this in any niche.

Check out how Jo-Lynne Shane, a fashion blogger and Content Certified publisher at CJ Affiliate, does it in her holiday gift guide blog post:

You can also do this on your blog resource page. David Alexander of Mazepress added affiliate links in the email marketing and social media tools he recommends to his readers:

Moving forward, you want to make monitoring a habit, as your best-performing affiliate marketing programs signal the type of products and content your readers want.

Your most successful affiliate programs don’t just earn you passive income.

They also inspire new blog post topics and business ideas you’d never thought of.

CJ Affiliate (Commission Junction): An Affiliate Network Trusted by Advertisers and Publishers Alike

Have you decided if CJ Affiliate is a good fit for you?

If you’re just starting out in the blogging scene with only a few hits a day, it probably isn’t the right time to join this network.

But if you’re a blogger with an established audience?

Or an entrepreneur with high-quality traffic on your website?

Then yes.

CJ Affiliate could be the yin to your yang.

With its superior reporting and the opportunity to work with the world’s most recognized brands, this affiliate network shouldn’t be missed.

The post Beginner’s Guide to CJ Affiliate (Commission Junction) in 2020 appeared first on Smart Blogger.

from SEO and SM Tips https://smartblogger.com/cj-affiliate-commission-junction/

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nightsongalchemy · 4 years

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Nothing could have prepared me for this… Nothing could’ve prepared for me for the amount of trauma and fighting I would have had to endure over the past three years of my life fighting chronic illness and conditions. Although there have been so many happy memories since my health crisis in June of 2017, the amount of tears I’ve cried could easily fill an ocean.

I’ve seen between thirty and forty doctors over the past three years. One doctor diagnosed Lyme, another diagnosed Fibromyalgia, another said Intestinal Permeability Syndrome, yet another said Gittleman’s Syndrome, a few had different diagnoses, but most either had absolutely no idea what was going on. One said it was genetics so I would be stuck this way for the rest of my life. Another conventional doctor even told me it was all idiopathic! I was shamed by three different doctors when I wanted to get the #MirenaIUD removed which was directly related to all of the problems I was having. It took my own perseverance, research, and self diagnosing with the help of Anthony William’s, the Medical Medium, information to take on the chaos that was my health.

Summer of 2017 my body went into a health crisis. Since then, my days have been spent surviving the fallout of an extremely aggressive late-stage Epstein-Barr Virus, heavy metal toxicity, low-grade streptococcus, and a severe reaction to the Mirena IUD. My immune system was broken, hormones imbalanced, and my body was starved of glucose due to a doctor prescribed ketogenic diet.

My symptoms included seizures, dementia, memory loss, chronic brain fog, compromised immune system, muscle weakness and numbness, chronic fatigue, nerve spasms/twitching, cramps through hands and feet, confusion, hallucinations, disorientation, mood swings, diminished cognitive function, inability to think or accomplish simple tasks, irrational thoughts and personality changes, crying spells, severe depression, anxiety, panic attacks, dizziness, vertigo, slurred speech and stuttering, migraines, inner ear pain, tinnitus, heart palpitations, TMJ, nausea, chronic pain all over, un-healing arm/hand tendon injuries, un-healing knee injuries, un-healing pinched/injured nerves, hair loss, acne, rosacea, sensitivity to light, disordered eating, loss of perception of passing time, extremely painful periods (endometriosis), PMS, constantly getting the cold/flu/sinus infections, systemic allergy attacks, digestive disorders, constant bloating, constant belching, intestinal cramps/spasms, low hydrophilic acid, eye floaters, light and sound sensitivity, weight gain, insatiable hunger, sluggish liver, food and chemical sensitivities, night terrors, and edema. Then, after a couple years being beaten down and fighting - PTSD.

Good news is that a lot of these symptoms have disappeared, bad news is I still fight most of these symptoms every day just to a much lesser degree. It’s been a long road and a roller coaster since I started the Medical Medium protocols August of 2017 wherein the symptoms would constantly take three steps forward and two steps back. Enduring the symptoms, detoxing, and the viral flare-ups have been beyond a traumatizing nightmare. Traveling long distances as a passenger in a car is a ride of vertigo and vestibular seizures. Pain in general, pain from old endometriosis surgeries gone wrong that never healed properly, repetitive injury pain, and too much stress often trigger seizures as well. I have good days and I have bad days. Some days I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. If you see me and I look fine, I’m most likely doing everything in my power to hide the pain, suffering, and trauma.

However, the most disheartening trauma that has come of all of this - after almost three years of fighting and working through the pain from the tendinosis in both arms, pinched nerve in the left elbow, and the injured thumb tendon/joint on my right hand - I have been forced to stop tattooing, drawing, painting, playing the harp, and most computer work entirely until I heal the injuries. Most of my correspondences, including this one, are talk to text. I can’t spend a lot of time in front of a keyboard and I can barely hold a pencil. This has been devastating. This whole update has taken weeks to fully write out with my limited abilities.

Working consistently with an occupational/physical therapist for the past four months, I’m refusing to give up. Even as I write this, I feel fire and positivity running through my veins. With a smile on my face I will rise from the ashes, and I will continue to work as hard as I can through diet, supplements, gentle exercise, heat/ice, stretches, acupuncture, chiropractic, and massage until my injuries are fully healed and my health is fully restored. I will continue to be the artist and musician I was always meant to be. It all comes down to a matter… of time.

Until then, my tattoo and illustration books need to remain closed until the tendon injuries heal. I’m so very sorry to all of you beautiful clients waiting to get your tattoos started or finished. It breaks my heart everyday. I’m sorry to all of you who are waiting patiently for your illustration commissions as well. I’m so very sorry for all of this. For those of you who still have appointments scheduled, I’m still playing it day by day until I’m cleared by my physical therapist, so I’ll continue to be in touch about rescheduling. Martin Velez Human, the tattoo artist I’ve been working with at Gypsy Moon Custom Tattoo, has been a God sent while my injuries have been healing! If you’re looking to get a tattoo in the near future, please send me a message and I’ll set you up with a consultation with him.

By the grace of God, I’m still continuing to make music with my band, Sweet Maple Singers. Although for the time being I cannot play the harp, I will keep singing my heart out. I’ve taken this time to receive vocal training and work hard with my beautiful fiancé and bandmate, Robbie Mann, to strengthen our vocal performance, harmonies, and arrangements to give all of you the best show we can. Being able to sing and make music with him and Ryan Cramer the past few weeks has given me new hope and the drive to keep on fighting for my life. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you two.

Thank you to all my incredible friends, family, clientele and future clients for all of your unwavering patience, understanding, support, and love. I don’t know what I did to be so blessed. If you can spare a little prayer for speedy healing and recovery it would mean the world to me. For those of you suffering with chronic symptoms or conditions - please don’t give up and know you’re not alone. Take it one day at a time, have compassion for yourselves, and know you will heal. I love all of you so much, and may your day be blessed with enchantment and magick!

Love your elven bard, Jasper✨🧝🏻‍♀️🌙✨

#keepsmiling #nevergiveup #risingfromtheashes #medicalmedium #medicalmediumprotocols #healingchronicillness #healthwarrior (at Gypsy Moon Custom Tattoo) https://www.instagram.com/p/B8rXcZOHPY1/?igshid=14v8krjy6zhxi

#keepsmiling #nevergiveup #risingfromtheashes #medicalmedium #medicalmediumprotocols #healingchonicillness #healthwarrior

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thechasefiles · 5 years

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The Chase Files Daily Newscap 9/13/2019

Good Morning #realdreamchasers. Here is your daily news cap for Friday, September 13th, 2019. There is a lot to read and digest so take your time. Remember you can read full articles via Barbados Today (BT), or by purchasing a Weekend Nation Newspaper (WN).

PROJECT DELAYS WORRY MONITORING COMMITTEE –BERT is staying ahead of the curve.The special monitoring committee of the Barbados Economic and Recovery Transformation (BERT) programme is still concerned about the delay of a number of projects that were intended to boost the economy. During a press conference held at Solidarity House yesterday, co-chair of the committee, Toni Moore, said the group would be paying special attention to those projects, and the effect any further delay could have on overall growth. There have been delays in the Sandals Beaches, Sam Lord’s Castle, Blue Horizon and Hyatt Centric Hotel projects. Moore, the general secretary of the Barbados Workers’ Union, said the group was otherwise extremely satisfied Barbados had met all targets for the period April to June, as set by the International Monetary Fund (IMF). Yesterday’s report, the third by the monitoring committee, showed the country’s foreign reserves were a healthy $938 million, way ahead of a target of $893 million. In addition, Government’s primary balance stood at $253 million, yards ahead of a proposed target of $125 million, while this administration had only spent $88 million on transfers to public institutions, way below the $104 million allowed, and the arrears of public institutions stood at $185 million, leaving plenty of wiggle room from a target of $284 million.(WN)

BUSINESS LEADERS NOW RUN CBC –In an apparent shift in corporate direction at state broadcaster CBC, two business figures have replaced former CBC broadcasters as chairman and deputy at the helm of a new board.David Leacock, scion of business pioneer Leo Leacock is the new chairman, appointed by the Minister for CBC Senator Lucille Moe, Minister of Information, Broadcasting and Public Affairs. Leacock, senior director in the Leacock family group of businesses, succeeds Melba Smith, a former CBC general manager who returned to the corporation as chairman in June 2018, after the Labour Party’s election victory. Smith lasted just a year of her three-year term, resigning last June. The new deputy is Sharon Christie, a Certified Management Accountant, and CEO of the Kensington Court Group, a distributor of food, frozen products, and office equipment. Christie replaces Sharon Marshall, a former director of news and current affairs and television news anchor, resigned as deputy chair in July. Leacock and Christie’s appointments took effect on Tuesday. The other members of the board appointed by Senator Moe are Sonia Mullins, Peter Boyce, Brian Clarke, Government Senator Dr. Crystal Haynes, Lee Rose, and Paulette Royer. Chief Telecommunications Officer Clifford Bostic and Sandra Phillips, Permanent Secretary in the Ministry of Information, Broadcasting and Public Affairs are the Government’s official representatives on the board.(BT)

FOUL PLAY –With tensions rising among dissatisfied workers at the Grantley Adams International Airport over not being given the five per cent pay increase accorded to public workers last year, the National Union of Public Workers (NUPW) has requested an urgent meeting with the airport management in an attempt to have the matter settled. This morning, Deputy General Secretary of the NUPW Wayne Waldron revealed that his members were becoming increasingly restless and that both sides needed to get back to the bargaining table soon before things escalated. “We made the request last week and we are anxiously waiting for a response. The workers are in a bad mood and they are at the stage where they feel that they will demonstrate how they feel. They are really being frustrated but I can’t tell you they are going to strike tomorrow or next week. What I can say is that they are at that breaking point,” said Waldron, confirming earlier reports by Barbados TODAY that the workers were considering industrial action. Last month one source close to the development explained that while the workers are under a statutory arrangement, to the best of their knowledge, all employees of Government-owned entities are entitled to the increase, yet they have been “unfairly omitted”. However, a credible source explained that GAIA Inc is not a statutory corporation but rather a company constituted under the Company’s Act, which happens to be owned by Government. In addition, it was revealed that airport workers have received several increases within the last ten years, during a period when public servants received no pay hikes. It was also noted that given the airport’s plans to privatize its operations, workers were already asked to “hold strain” until that process is completed. “Within the last ten years, workers at the airport have received 21 per cent increase, during a period that the public service was not given any. So, you can’t have a case where you are getting increases when government workers are not and then demanding the increase when they are,” the source said. However, this morning Waldron contended that persons were conflating the two issues and in fact, any increases that the workers have received were monies owed them for a long time before. “People don’t understand the history and apparently somebody is of the notion that they [GAIA workers] have gotten more than the public service. But they only got what was owed to them and because the airport was late in adjusting the amounts over the years, the impression is that they got something extra. It is simply a lagging process but somebody is not understanding and came up with this idea now that they don’t deserve the five per cent increase,” he said.Waldron further argued that the GAIA administration is conveniently using the company argument, as over the years airport workers were never allowed to negotiate separately from Government workers. “When we tried in the earlier years to negotiate separately from the public service, which would justify even higher increases, they always tell you that you can’t give the airport workers more than what the government workers were being offered, although it is a company. Now they want to change it and say they don’t want to deal with what the Government is offering. So they are moving the goal post all of the time. When the company is making a big profit, they don’t want to pay increases above Government and when things are now tight, they want to constrain the worker,” said the NUPW spokesman. He further stressed, “They are discriminating against these poor airport workers. When you compare the salary of an engineer at the airport to one at the Ministry of Transport and Works (MTW), the one at MTW is better paid. It is discrimination pure and simple.”(BT)

WATER EASE – As the country continues to battle a severe drought, the Barbados Water Authority (BWA) has turned to Ionics Freshwater Limited to increase its water pumping capacity by 50 per cent. Additionally, Minister of Energy and Water Resources Wilfred Abrahams today revealed that a new pumping station has been commissioned in St James to help carry water to the dry taps of Barbadians in the northern parishes.During a press conference at his Country Road, St Michael headquarters this morning, Abrahams admitted that the BWA was grappling with drought conditions, which have led to several water outages across the island. And with a forecast for lower than average rainfall for the remainder of the year, the Minister disclosed that the prohibition period which was scheduled to end next month had now been extended to November 30. He acknowledged that the island-wide water outages being experienced were as a result of aging infrastructure, a lack of maintenance and the prolonged drought, which had served to form an “a perfect storm”. Abrahams said he was especially disheartened to hear about the complaints from Barbadians regarding the regular outages and the level of discomfort they were causing. He revealed that the state-owned entity had joined forces with Ionics to help provide a better service to households. “To address the water issues and the water shortages we have had to commission some more water from Ionics’ desalination plant. So Ionics is now supplying an increased amount of water into our system,” Abrahams said. “This started a couple of months ago, but it is not a matter of simply flicking a switch. Infrastructure had to be put in place to get the water from Ionics to where it needs to go. We had to change certain valves, we had to employ and install certain pumps [and] we had to upgrade pumping stations. “If Ionics down Spring Garden produces twice as much water as it produces that is all well and good, but that water needs to get from Ionics at Spring Garden into the same reservoirs that are being affected and then on to the customers,” the minister added. Dr. John Mwanza, the technical advisor to the Board, said Ionics was contracted last May. He said while the existing plant capacity was 27 000 cubic metres per day, or around six million gallons a day.“[Capacity] has been expanded by an additional 50 per cent so we’re getting an additional three million gallons,” Dr. Mwanza revealed. Minister Abrahams said the newly commissioned pumping station at Trents, St James would help in pumping some of that water to several communities including Kewland, Redman’s Village, Melrose, and Welches in St Thomas; White Hill and Mose Bottom in St Andrew and Chimborazo, Lammings Housing Area, Braggs Hill, Sugar Hill and Spa Hill in St Joseph. However, he warned the BWA was expecting bursts with the increased water being pumped through aging pipes. “This station will improve the volume of water flowing to the taps of residents along Highway 2A…Now we are commissioning this today, this is at the end of a long period of installation and testing and retesting and trying to balance so from today that water is going to go in the system with the intent of alleviating the areas I just mentioned. “I just want to warn the public [that] if you start to send more water down old pipes, the pipes are going to burst. We expect that we are going to have some bursts in the initial phases as we try to rebalance the water,” Abrahams said. He also disclosed that four new pumps would be made available to handle the added capacity. At the press conference, the minister also gave his assurance that the BWA’s Customer Service department would be improved. Abrahams said it had been brought to his attention that some persons had received shoddy treatment from the BWA’s customer service personnel as they sought to report complaints. He said a four-hour meeting was held yesterday to address the issue and he was confident persons calling into the BWA would see improved customer service.(BT)

CLEANING STARTS AT SHERATON – Less than 24 hours after being shut down by the Ministry of Health officials, the food court at Sheraton Mall was abuzz with activity. But instead of a busy flow of patrons purchasing food at lunchtime, employees and hired workmen were hard at work as the first day of a mass industrial cleaning exercise got underway. Food stalls in some cases were totally disassembled, cleaning agents were all over the food court and the restaurant apparatus was out of place. General Manager of the mall, Kelly Stoute declined to comment on the developments or to provide more clarity on the nature of health issues or indicate when the mall’s food court would be reopened. In addition, Barbados TODAY was informed by management that media workers would not be allowed inside the food court. Health officials have also been silent on the matter since Wednesday and Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Kenneth George directed Barbados TODAY to a press release issued today. The decision to close the popular food court was reportedly taken in response to mounting violations that mall management had left unattended after continuous environmental checks by the Environmental Health Division since September 4.(BT)

DOUBLE DIVIDE –Two vendors who ply their trade at the Parkinson Memorial Secondary School have protested the Board of Management’s decision to erect a double perimeter fence, claiming it separates them from less-well-off students. Grace Lovell, who told Barbados TODAY she has been selling snacks and beverages to the student body for eight years, claimed that the students who do not have the means to buy from the school canteen turn to her for their lunch. She said: “Some children come to school with $10 to pay bus fare and still buy something to eat. “So, the canteen provides a service for the children, but they are too expensive.“They are only looking at one side of the story, probably about getting rent or whatever the case may be, but every time we come to sell at lunch they put up a double fence, as you can see. “The children complain and they go to the headmaster and complain about the prices. “So, when we come they do not want us out here at lunchtime, but you still have to look at the children.” Lovell said that she sometimes provides free meals to students who do not have the means. She said: “I gave a child breakfast and lunch for a whole term which is three months. “Sometimes they come to me for bus fare, they want something they are short of money. “So, you have to look at the average child, a poor child because every parent [does] not have money to give a child to pay for that lunch which is $15 or $11. You can get a doughnut for $2 and a drink for $1.50.” The vendor said she discussed the matter with the board chairman. Despite having to ply her trade outside the compound, she boasted of being an insider at the school of 1,000 students. “I had spoken to the chairman. He stopped here last year September and told me he heard about Grace because I donate to the school when they have graduation although I am outside. I do anything and I am not on the inside, I am outside. “I spoke to him and I explained the same situation to him about the students not having enough money to buy lunch. I told him if he put up the double fence if she could [speak] to him because [he had] to look at all the vendors and the canteen and see what the canteen selling and what the other vendors selling and then we could work with something like that. He did not say anything. “I spoke to him last week when the double fence went up when term started back and he told me you have to look at the person that is in there that is paying the canteen fee and have the contract; and furthermore, the persons that inside may have to come out and he was not interested. “So, you would have to do what you got to do when you have children and bills.” But Lovell said she will follow the school’s wishes not to sell at lunchtime. She said: “I sell on mornings and evenings, but it is the lunchtime period that I would not be able to sell because they have up the double fence.” The other vendor declined to be named but joined Lovell’s comments and said she even offered to pay the school to sell on the premises. She said: “I offered to go and pay them a little something to be in there and they still did not agree with that. They never got back to me, they never said anything.” I am willing to pay something, donate to a club, a game – netball, anything – [to] no [avail].” The vendor, who told Barbados TODAY she has been plying her trade at Parkinson since 2000, also claimed she provides free lunches to disadvantaged students at the Pine high school. She said she should be allowed inside the school to sell meals, snacks and drinks to the student body. She, too, said she would follow the school’s request not to sell anything at lunchtime. But she added: “If we have to keep running around so all the time what sense does it make? We should be inside everyone can make a living. “The canteen cannot provide for 1,000 and some children in an hour, it is a waste of time.” Parkinson Memorial Principal Ian Holder gave Barbados TODAY a tour of the double fence around the school compound but declined further comment.(BT)

BASELESS – Wild and silly imaginations. That is how Minister of Agriculture and Food Security Indar Weir has described concerns by the Democratic Labour Party that acres of plantation lands formerly owned by defunct insurance company CLICO, would be sold as residential property by Government. In fact, the Agriculture Minister has said, that those lands and many others would be dedicated to agricultural development as Government attempted to reverse ten years of DLP “inactivity” in the vital sector. “I don’t know how you could turn agricultural land into a [residential] development without first involving the Ministry of Agriculture. We have a Chief Agricultural Officer who is highly trained and makes informed decisions on these things before they even reach Town Planning,” Weir told Starcom Network’s Down to Brass Tacks’ Wednesday programme. “If the information is being skewed in any way that the CLICO land is being sold and people are going to subdivide them and all of that, I think the conversation is way ahead of what it should be, because the worst thing we would want to do as a people is to make wild and silly imaginations and come to conclusions on things on which we have no basis.” On Wednesday, the DLP’s spokesperson on agriculture Andre Worrell expressed “deep concern” about the recent announcement that the lands could be used for infrastructural development at a time when the country desperately needed to reduce its food import bill. “We are urging the Government to have some discussion and to be open and transparent with the people of Barbados on their plans for the CLICO plantation lands in St John, St George, Christ Church, and other areas. We are urging farmers not to sit idly by and let these lands be sold,” he said. In response, the Minister noted he was always keen to engage the public but did not have an ‘appetite’ for people who “have a belief and are attempting to turning it into reality”. Instead, he declared Government was preparing to revive lands which are currently growing ‘river tamarinds’ in the Belle, St. Michael, Harrison’s Point in St. Lucy and the Scotland District to significantly improve the bounty of the sugar industry and other crops. “I am simply giving the calm assurance that we are doing everything we can to bring the lands under the BAMC under production. We are also working with the private farmers… of every single type and class, so that when we look to bring back agriculture to its rightful place in Barbados, we will have a situation where all of those lands that are currently growing river tamarinds will be back into production and the process is starting this month,” Weir declared. “We are starting by cleaning up Harrison’s Point and going to the Belle where we are going to remove those river tamarinds and put it at Port Vale Factory to be used as burning stock when the factory is grinding during next year’s sugar harvest and we are planning to start the crop on time next year.” He stressed that part of reviving sugarcane production would coincide with the restoration of eddoes and increases in yams and sweet potatoes. “I am trying to reverse this whole ten years of inactivity and inertia and only God knows how I feel about having to say this, but it is the reality. This isn’t one, two or three years of work. This will equally take us all of ten to 15 years,” Weir said.(BT)

CHARACTER CERTS HINDERING JOBS – The closure of the Police Certificate of Character Office is causing headaches for several Barbadians, in some cases hindering them from finding work. And what is adding to their woes is that no one seems to know when it will be reopenedCruising Island Musicians is contemplating its next move after being unable to get the certificate for ten musicians.Stephen Cox, one of the managing partners, said the company recruited musicians from all over the world to work on cruise ships.“Currently, I have ten crew members from Barbados who have been offered contracts to work on board cruise ships to start in three weeks. They made the appointments, which were confirmed, and they went, only to be told that the Police Certificate of Character Office is closed until further notice,” he said. When contacted on Tuesday, Assistant Commissioner of Police Richard Boyce said they were encountering system problems, but were working assiduously to have them rectified as soon as possible. He asked the public to bear with them.“Everything has gone computerised now, so we’re working on everything. One thing leads into the next; it is not a one-off operation you have to do. It is a holistic operation that involves different steps. Even if you try to correct one [issue], another step has to go which is not functioning correctly; so that is the problem. We hope to get it resolved any minute now,” he said.(WN)

TWO CHARGED –Two St Andrew men have been remanded in connection with this island’s latest murder as well as a number of other criminal charges. They are 24-year-old Kevin Andrew Haynes, of Jordan Road, Belleplaine and 20-year-old Nathan Anthony Gaskin of Walkers.The two are accused of murdering 22-year-old Rahim Ward between August 23 and 30 as well as causing serious bodily harm to 21-year-old Deshawn Ricardo Clarke on August 23 while at Walkers, St Andrew. Haynes and Clarke are also facing charges of possession, possession with intent to supply, possession with intent to traffic and cultivation of 76 cannabis plants on August 24. The accused appeared before Magistrate Ian Weekes in the District ‘D’ Magistrates’ Court today where they were not required to plead to the indictable charges. They will make their next court appearance on October 9. (BT)

SENTENCED REDUCED – The Court of Appeal on Wednesday set aside a 15-year sentence imposed by the High Court on manslayer Toneal Omar Walrond for the death of 60-year-old Evans Burnham. Burnham, formerly of Black Bess, St Peter died at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital on July 8, 2011, following an altercation in which he sustained a fractured skull and other injuries after being hit in the face several times with a piece of wood. Walrond, of French Village, St Peter was charged with the murder which is said to have occurred sometime between July 1 and July 8, 2011. In February 2016 he pleaded guilty to the lesser charge of manslaughter. In June 2017, using a starting point of 20 years, Walrond was sentenced by Madam Justice Michelle Weekes to 15 years in prison. However, after being credited with the five years 334 days spent on remand prior to sentencing, he was ordered incarcerated for another nine years and 21 days. Through his legal counsel Marlon Gordon who appeared with attorney-at-law Kashka Mottley, the manslayer appealed his sentence on the basis that it was excessive. In handing down a decision this morning in the No. 1 Supreme Court, Acting Appeal Court judge, Madam Justice Margaret Reifer said while the three-member panel who heard the appeal is of the view that the sentencing judge took into account the relevant principles and facts, “We are nonetheless in agreement with counsel for the appellant, that all the circumstances of the facts of the case were more in line with a starting point of 15 years.” Outlining reasons for the decision the judge stated that the mitigating features of the case “dominated” the aggravating factors. She pointed to early guilty pleas which she explained are in the public’s interest since they avoid the need for a trial and save victims, witnesses and often family of the victim, from having to give evidence of “often traumatic events or from reliving the events” and achieving closure. “The appellant’s early guilty plea, co-operation with the police, sincere expressions of remorse, the acceptance by the court and the parties that there was no evidence of planning or premeditation, the fact that the appellant was not armed with a firearm or intrinsically dangerous weapon, but in the face of aggression by the deceased, armed himself with a piece of wood that he found within reach, provide powerful mitigating factors,” said Justice Refier. The Crown, she said, did not appear to accept self-defense as a complete defence but it was still a consideration in the sentencing. In a statement to police Walrond said he went to Burnham’s home to collect some money. Instead of paying him, Burnham, he said: “Take up a chair and hit me”. The two men then fought and it was during that time that Walrond took up a piece of wood and hit Burnham, “round he faces more than once”. Burnham fell and Walrond said he helped him into the house, got ice from the refrigerator and handed it to him. After that, he said he panicked and left the house by car. “It appears that the Crown accepted on the facts outlined and the analysis of the aggravating and mitigating factors, that the deceased was the aggressor, but their case was, that the force used was disproportionate and excessive,” said the acting Court of Appeal judge who added that the evidence of self-defense even if it was rejected by the jury was still a mitigating factor “There is no evidence that the trial judge considered self-defense as a mitigating factor even if excessive force was used. “It is against the backdrop of all the matters reviewed . . . that we are of the opinion that the sentence was excessive and find a starting point of 15 years more acceptable than one of 20 years. “In view of the premises, the appeal is allowed. The sentence of 15 years imprisonment imposed on the appellant is set aside. The court substitutes a sentence of ten years . . . to run from the date of the original sentence . . . full credit for time spent [on remand] of 2,161 . . . given,” Justice Reifer said as Chief Justice Sir Marston Gibson, Court of Appeal judge Madam Justice Kaye Goodridge and Senior Crown Counsel Olivia Davis, who appeared for the Crown listened on. (BT)

MORE TIME ON REMAND FOR MAN ON GUN CHARGES – The man who allegedly shot through a woman’s bedroom window, at Beckles Avenue, New Orleans, St Michael three weeks ago injuring her in the right hand, has been remanded for a further 28 days. Raheim Colin Forde, of 10th Avenue New Orleans, St Michael appeared before Magistrate Kristie Cuffy-Sargeant today, two days after Chief Magistrate Christopher Birch remanded him to HMP Dodds. The 26-year-old bar owner is alleged to have caused serious bodily harm to Sheron Matthews on August 23 with intent to maim, disfigure or disable her. It is further alleged that on the same day he unlawfully and maliciously engaged in conduct that placed Jumaane Matthews-Ifill in danger of death or serious bodily harm. Forde is also facing charge of using a firearm without a valid licence. He was not required to plead to those indictable charges nor to a charge that he dishonestly assisted in the retention, removal or disposal of a motorcar worth $28,000 belonging to Ross Clarke between December 5 and 12, 2018 knowing or believing it to be stolen. He will make his next appearance before the No. 2 District ‘A’ Magistrates’ Court on October 10. Also appearing in that court on that date before Cuffy-Sargeant is 36-year-old David Omar Norville, also of 10th Avenue New Orleans. He is alleged to have unlawfully assaulted Jumaane Matthews-Ifill on August 23. He has pleaded not guilty to the charge and remains on $1,000 bail. (BT)

BURGLARS PLEAD FOR MERCY – Two St Thomas women who robbed an elderly couple in their home while armed with a piece of wood and a knife have pleaded for leniency in sentencing and even offered to pay thousands of dollars in compensation to the complainants. While attorney-at-law Samuel Legay urged the High Court judge to be as lenient as possible in sentencing his client, Tiffany Cortia Arthur, the convicted burglar’s co-accused Carol Ann Veronica Roett pleaded for the same consideration. Arthur, 34, of Content Land and Roett, 41, of Dunscombe, are currently on remand awaiting their fate on a December 28, 2010, aggravated burglary charge. They had pleaded guilty at a previous sitting in the No. 5 Supreme Court to entering the house of Ian Pickup and stealing a camera, wallet and a handheld video game belonging to him as well as three necklaces, a lighter and two rings belonging to his wife Donna Marie Henderickson. At the time the burglars were armed with a piece of wood and a knife. In making sentencing submissions before Madam Justice Pamela Beckles recently Legay disclosed that his client was a “vulnerable” young lady at the time. He said a statement to police, indicated that her mother had passed and she had been burdened with a funeral expense bill and she also had a young child to take care of. “Not knowing at the time . . . how to deal with this mountainous bill and dealing with her child, she became desperate,” Legay revealed. “I believe that in dealing with issues of death it affects persons differently, and Arthur was no different and she sought, by any means, to get this bill paid,” the defence attorney added. He said her guilty plea and her cooperation with police were in her favor. “Her intention [was] to get this matter over and done with because on reflection, a great mistake had been made. And so as a result of that she became very remorseful, she wanted to apologise to the virtual complainants. “With that background, I want to appeal to the court to be as lenient as possible towards Arthur because I do not see the name Tiffany Arthur synonymous with criminal activities,” Legay told the High Court judge. He further submitted that if it was the position of the court that a custodial sentence should be imposed, “And I am not asking for that, at least, the very least of the sentence would be my humble submission.” Legay put forward a starting point 18 months to two years in prison. “Given the passage time, things have changed. My client has been consistent. She has not gotten herself involved in anything else and therefore I believe she needs to be given that opportunity to remain in that light,” he added. The defence attorney said: “From then up until now the accused has no previous convictions. She has kept herself clean. The accused is not a criminal; this which she did is out of character, but out of bad company back in 2010 she has found herself before this court. Therefore my submission is that the court is very lenient towards her. “I don’t believe Arthur is a criminal,” he said adding that Arthur was willing to pay the complainants $15, 000 in compensation but needed time to pay the amount. Roett, who represented herself, also urged the court to show her leniency saying that she had not been in trouble with the law for over a decade and had a young child. She too submitted that she was willing to pay compensation in the sum of $15,000 if given the time to do so. However, Senior Crown Counsel Olivia Davis told the judge that a starting point for the sentencing of the convicted women should be 16 years. She pointed to the aggravating factors saying that the offence was planned and took place at night while the property stolen was both high in value and sentimental. The prosecutor also reminded the court that substantial force was used during the commission of the offence, which resulted in significant injury to the victim Ian Pickup, and that a weapon was also involved. “This offence has had a negative mental effect on the [elderly] couple. When everything is considered the mitigating factors of Arthur will weigh heavier and result in a lower sentence than the sentence of Roett but the Crown submits that the starting point should be 16 years and the appropriate deductions be made,” Davis stated. The two women will reappear before Justice Beckles on November 21 for sentencing. (BT)

GUYANESE ON INDECENT ASSAULT CHARGE REMANDED – Strong arguments by attorney-at-law Mohia Ma’at that the grounds put forward against bail are “all without merit” were not enough to keep his client from spending 28 days on remand. The submissions, came after Dhanpaul Dudhnauth, a 48-year-old farmer, from Industry Hall, St Philip was not required to enter a plea to the indictable charge that he indecently assaulted a minor. The accused, who is a Guyana native and has been living here for the last 26 years is alleged to have committed the criminal act on May 9. Prosecutor, police constable Victoria Taitt put forward the serious nature of the offence as the main ground for her objections against bail stating that the child allegedly involved was six years old. That minor, she submitted, needed protection from the accused. Constable Taitt added that there was a likelihood that the accused may re-offend if granted bail. However, Ma’at stated that his client was a good candidate for bail as he had never been before the law courts of Barbados and was a father of two. “He has been here since 1992 and has never been charged . . . walks the straight and narrow . . . and as it stands now the allegation before the court is just that, an allegation,” Ma’at told Magistrate Kristie Cuffy-Sargeant. The defence attorney disclosed that Dudhnauth had surrendered himself to the police after getting a phone call. “Yes, it is a serious offence . . . but this matter is in the District ‘A’ jurisdiction and the accused resides deep in St Philip,” said Ma’at who argued that the chances that the two parties would cross paths were unlikely. “The likelihood of any interaction between the minor, father or mother is virtually non-existent given the proximity. He is in the east and she is in the west, so interference is null and void. “The likelihood that he will re-offend has no merit. He has not reoffended, he has been charged. He received immigration status, he would not have gotten that if he had [a record], so that is a testimony to his character,” Ma’at said. “The grounds put forward are all without merit,” the attorney added as he urged to court to grant bail with any conditions it saw fit. That application was denied and the accused was remanded to return before the No. 2 District ‘A’ Magistrates’ Court on October 9.(BT)

POLLARDS CHOICE A BACKWARD MOVE – Fast bowling legend Sir Andy Roberts has questioned the timing of Kieron Pollard’s appointment as white-ball skipper and argues that sacked one-day skipper Jason Holder was not at fault for the West Indies’ wretched one-day form in recent years. In fact, the outspoken Antiguan believes that neither Pollard’s appointment nor the acquisition of a new head coach will have any impact on the Caribbean side’s fortunes, as the fundamental problem lay in the dearth of quality players available.“A captain is only as good right now as the players he has,” Sir Andy told the Mason and Guest radio cricket show. He added: “I have no issues with what they’re (Cricket West Indies) trying to do but I’ve always said that the least problem we have is the coaching, our biggest problem is to find players. “It doesn’t matter who you have as head coach – if you could bring the best head coach in the world today with the players that we have you’ll be getting the same results because the coach does not go on the field.” CWI announced Monday that Pollard would take over from Holder and Twenty20 skipper, Carlos Brathwaite with immediate effect. Also, the regional governing body said it had formally begun the recruitment process for a new permanent head coach, to fill the role currently being performed by ex-West Indies batsman Floyd Reifer on a temporary basis. It was Pollard’s elevation to the ODI captaincy, however, which made the headlines. Age 32, the Trinidadian has not played a single one-dayer in the last three years. Further, he boasts an unflattering batting average of 25 with the bat from 101 ODIs with three hundreds, while taking 50 wickets with his slow medium at nearly 40 runs apiece. “He’s [32]. [When] the next ODI [World Cup] comes around he will be 36, 37. We should be looking to get good players [around 23]. As usual, we’re always looking backward,” Sir Andy pointed out, adding that Pollard should have been given the captaincy five years ago when Holder was appointed. “They should have made him (Holder) understudy to Pollard [back then]. Once they gave him (Holder) the captaincy and they stuck to it, then I don’t see the reason to go back to Kieron Pollard now.” Holder failed to win a single series during his tenure and also oversaw West Indies’ worst-ever showing at a World Cup last July, when the side finished ninth of 10 teams with just two wins. Sir Andy said CWI should have persisted with the 27-year-old Holder but afforded him the benefit of an experienced coaching staff. “What are they basing Jason Holder’s captaincy on? Results or tactics on the field? If we’re going to be building and looking towards the future, I think you should stick with a younger captain who is in there for three, four years,” Sir Andy contended. “What they should have done is give him (Holder) the experience that is required with the coaching staff. That’s what they should have done. Are they blaming Jason’s captaincy for the results we’ve been having? If we don’t have good cricketers, those are the results we’re going to get. It doesn’t matter who is in charge as captain or who’s in charge of coaching. “I think our problem is that we’re not developing good cricketers – there is not enough pressure placed on players for personal development and I’ve been saying that for the last 10, 15 years. If these guys don’t take the opportunity to develop themselves, we are going to be stuck where we are.” (BT)

BOXING LACKS PUNCH – One of this country’s most decorated amateur fighters, Junior Greenidge, says boxing is down and almost out and the Barbados Boxing Association (BBA) has run out of ideas. Greenidge, 39, the winner of a Commonwealth Games bronze medal in Manchester in 2002, told Weekend Sport that boxing was at an all-time low and he is willing to spearhead a revival, but the corporate sector has to come onboard.“Boxing badly needs help and it hurts me to see that little is happening in the sport. I am looking to target the blocks because those boys can be easily trained. I know amateur boxers cannot receive monies but can collect development funding so they can buy their vitamins and gear.“The standard of boxing has sunk and I think someone like me has to play a role in reviving it because I know what it takes to win medals and produce champions,” he said.A passionate Greenidge said that if a facility came to fruition, he could have former world-rated boxers Floyd Mayweather Sr and Roy Jones Jr coming to Barbados as technical advisers to launch the fight programme here.(WN)

WELL DONE – Festival Designer of the Year Kevin Small’s Fifth Element Mas walked away with the lion’s share of prizes at Saturday’s Crop Over Awards Ceremony. The band leader and his team took home nine prizes at the end of the event held at the Daphne Joseph Hackett Theatre, Queen’s Park. The National Cultural Foundation (NCF) presented more than 100 prizes to top performers and contributors of this year’s festival. Band leaders, masqueraders, senior and junior calypsonians, visual artists and volunteers were all recognised for the roles they played in staging a successful festival. Awardees, along with specially invited guests, were treated to an evening reminiscent of the major moments of the season. There were live performances by Junior Monarchs Quon, Shontae and The Mighty Bit Bit; Calypso Monarch Classic, Tune of the Crop winner Leadpipe and a video presentation of Mikey’s winning Soca Monarch performance since he was overseas. Video clips of all major events for the festival starting with the Bajaramas to the climax on Grand Kadooment Day were also shown. Minister of Creative Economy, Culture and Sport John King congratulated the awardees and thanked corporate Barbados for their continued support of the festival. “A celebration of this nature at the end of every season is paramount as we take a moment to acknowledge, reward and laud your commitment to this festival and the aspiring journeys along the roads to success. We applaud you…” he said. Chairman of the NCF Board Glyne Harrison who played on this year’s slogan Crop Over Correct said it was a successful season since there were a number of areas in which they got it “correct”. “By the end of the festival, we were pleased to say we got the buy-in from young to old, saying they were Crop Over Correct … We also got our coverage correct this year and we were able to take our stories and our news to the wider world. It’s something that we need to continue to do because Crop Over is bigger than Barbados,” the chairman said.(BT)

POMP & PAGEANTRY - The Miss Universe Barbados 2019 pageant was awesome! The entire production was flawless, swift and highly professional. At 10:33 p.m. on Saturday night at the Hilton Barbados, a beaming Shanel Ifill was crowned Miss Universe Barbados 2019. The 20-year-old University of the West Indies student won the hearts of both the judges and the crowd to beat a field of eight other delegates. Shanel was impressive throughout the night both in her swimwear and her beautifully designed and fitted evening gown. Her smarts came to the fore as she answered both questions posed to her on the big night. The deciding question asked to the top three contestants was: “What current global situation would you lend your voice to as Miss Universe and why?” Shanel’s response: “There is so much going on in the world right now but I would definitely have to lend my voice to the fires that are happening in the Amazon. Some 26, 000 fires rage on in the Amazon and that is literally 20 per cent of the world’s oxygen system not only decimating the forest itself but there are tribes that live within the forest that has been completely decimated. They are like gone. They can’t be found; it caused genocide on some of the tribes. So I feel as though, for me, that would be where my purpose would lie…” The crowd erupted with cheers and screams of approval both during and by the time she had ende She graced the stage with her presence for the announcement of the winner as the top three contestants stood nervously awaiting the final result. Prior to pageant night, all nine delegates would have been interviewed one on one and those marks would have contributed to the final score. First, runner-up went to Beviny Payne who well-deserved to be in the top three. She looked splendid in her green evening gown as well. Payne is the perfect choice to perform the duties of queen should Ifill be unable to do so. The second runner-up was Hilary Williams who also won the People’s Choice Award.That award was well justified as the crowd clearly loved her. The Top 3 were chosen from a field of a Top 5 which was named earlier in the night after a question-and-answer segment. The other two contestants in the Top 5 were: Alexandra Ortiz and Jeunessa Banfield. Miss Photogenic went to Kristen Asha while Jeunessa Banfield copped Miss Congeniality. The pageant production was nothing short of excellent. There was full use of multi-media throughout the night. Presenter for the night Media Specialist Gaynelle Marshall did a fabulous job keeping things flowing. The Director of Media Relations and PR made comments and smart remarks that were clearly designed to keep the contestants calm and focused. The pageant was held before a packed audience that included Minister of Education, Technological and Vocational Training Santia Bradshaw and other dignitaries. All on the Miss Universe Barbados team, led by National Director Brian Green, should take a bow for what could only be described as a top-notch, world-class show staged on this small rock. (BT)

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An Abnormal Job Search (Post 79) 3-11-15

The Friday before last my job search took an unexpected turn as my employer offered me a severance package, which I accepted. It has been a difficult workplace since last August when the plant manager resigned and was initially not replaced, then later replaced by a contract employee. The plant performance began to drift and communication has remained poor. I was distracted by Nicholas’ health issues and couldn’t seem to find the right recipe for our team’s success. My employer came to the same conclusion and we parted ways amicably.

Their decision came at an opportune time for our family as Nick’s health is now good. His doctors have told him to return to normal life. I had already made the decision to look for another job as my current work hours and conditions would not have cooperated with Natalie’s return at the end of the summer. I had been praying for help in finding a new position. God answered my prayers with an intensity that surprised and disconcerted me.

Job loss triggered an emotional jambalaya of fear, confusion, depression, relief and embarrassment. I had not been unemployed since I resigned my military commission and entered the private sector decades ago. As plant superintendent, I had done all the hiring for the plant last year, so I had interviewed close to a hundred unemployed people recently. Now I knew I would be in the candidate’s chair across the interview table, an uncomfortable thought.

The strangest emotions in the stew were relief and peace. I had evidently been carrying a heavy burden of worry about both the overall plant performance and each individual detail for which I had been responsible. If you notice a knock in your car’s engine and your tires are bald, driving can become a stressful experience … until your vehicle is totaled. Other worries invade, but the burdens about the engine knock and bald tires are suddenly released and there is a peaceful feeling too. I felt an almost disconcerting feeling of peace during my exit interview. I knew at that moment that the work I had done at the plant was completed and no further adjustments, phone calls, calculations or discussions would be required or desired. It was done. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief and then all the other bad emotions began a fist fight in my stomach.

The interview process has been up and down over the last week. I had two interviews for consultant jobs that don’t look like they are a fit for me. They were both very similar to work that I had done in my previous position, but I was unable to convince either potential employer that I actually enjoy flying around the country to interact with clients. Doing the actual work would have been fine, I am sure, but considering the hotel rooms and car travel gave me an empty feeling … kind of the same feeling that I had been suffering with during my year as plant superintendent. Still, having interviews not work out is disheartening even when it is for the best.

Part of my issue seemed to be a prayer that I had offered back in February when I was on vacation in Ohio. I knew then that I would be seeking greener pastures, but I was worried that I might make the wrong decision. I prayed that Jesus would select the opportunity for me that would best fit my needs. I prayed that he would prevent me from being offered any job that wasn’t the best one so that I wasn’t tempted by pride or the chance to amass material possessions. Essentially, I asked him to lock all the doors but the one He selected for me. It seemed at the time to be a safe strategy because I already had a good job. I wanted to make sure that if I chose to leave my employer, it would only be for the right opportunity.

Retrospectively, praying for a chorus of slamming doors seems to have been a pretty ill-advised prayer strategy. I expected to reach for Jesus’s hand from safely inside the boat, but instead, my shipmates unexpectedly tossed me overboard. Now I would really like for Jesus to give me a hand, really soon if he can oblige. Did I say that I could use a hand from Jesus? I imagine that Peter felt pretty nervous when the waves reached his armpits. I definitely would not have climbed out of the boat myself, but I believe that Jesus intends something good for me that requires this particular experience. Endure it I will.

The job search continues to be the oddest I have ever experienced. One of the potential employers is a company that I have an odd connection to. Here is the story:

The group of consultants that I was working with about four years ago knew that I was interested in moving back to Ohio if an opportunity presented itself. Whenever they would run across something that they thought I could do, they would give me a call. One of the consultants named Jonathan had a distinctly British accent, because he was, in fact, British. One day on my commute home I thought I heard him call Catholic Answers Live and ask a question. It surprised me that a British Jonathan might have been the first caller I ever recognized on a Catholic Answers – I expected to hear Rene Solorzano, Rudy Adames, or another one of the Men of St Joseph.

Anyway, in the same time period Pam was having trouble with her chemo and difficulty sleeping. She was waking up each night at about 4 AM after dreaming vividly about, Jesus, Mary or purgatory. I was on my commute by that time, so she would call me on the phone and relay her nightly dream. They were puzzling and I looked forward to them. Usually they involved her being asked to pray for some unknown person who had been robbed, shamed or killed. I would often arrive at work and later discover another staff member had been robbed during the night or had a family member die. It was oddly coincidental how Pam’s dream would predict some circumstance that I would later discover.

This went on for several weeks, until finally Pam called me with a dream so odd that I couldn’t puzzle through it at all. She said that I was supposed to go to Ohio to help a man with his pool and that another man needed help with his roof and windows. I was disappointed. Her dreams had seemed to be leading me towards opportunities to pray for my coworkers who needed help. This one just seemed silly.

I arrived at work and noticed an email from Jonathan the British guy asking me to give him a call. I usually would have put off calling him until later, but I wanted to ask him about whether he had called Catholic Answers. I picked up the phone and dialed his number on the east coast. “No,” Jonathan informed me, I had heard a different British bloke. Jonathan was not a Catholic. I was disappointed for a second time that morning.

Jonathan then went on to explain that he had called about two companies in Ohio that might be a fit for me: one was a small manufacturer of pool products and the other company was maker of roofing material and windows. I was stunned. I expressed my appreciation to Jonathan and explained that my wife had a serious medical condition that would prevent me from interviewing for the foreseeable future. We hung up.

I put my head down on my desk and teared up. Jonathan had described two opportunities to me that perfectly matched the puzzling dream that Pam had described not two hours earlier. Yet, I was in a situation where I could not act on her dream. Still, the match between the dream and the phone call was too close; coincidence was not a possibility. I had been communicated to in such a way that could serve no purpose other than to emphatically confirm for me that God exists. That confirmation was very helpful on the journey that I still had ahead of me.

Within two months of the phone call, Pam would suffer a stroke during her second brain surgery. After the operation, she needed extensive rehab and something in her spiritual consciousness shifted. Pam’s morning dreams ceased, and she instead developed a fascination with the television show Big Bang Theory. Life changes that way. I got no more looks into the mystical universe, but Sheldon was pretty funny. Pam passed away about six months after her second craniotomy as her tumor grew back unchecked.

We flew Pam’s remains for burial in Maryland, where my journey began with her. I was surprised at who attended the service. While we were dating, Pam and I had had a falling out with the couple, Jim and Joan, who introduced us. We reconciled with them after about a decade later, but were never as close. They attended the service. Joan died two months later of a brain tumor.

Terry, my oldest friend from childhood, also showed up. He was in our wedding party, and then fell off the face of the earth. He drove down in the middle of the night to attend the funeral and surprised us. Nobody recognized him after a quarter century. His father had died of a brain tumor when we were about ten years old. Pam’s death brought the pain back for him, but it reignited our friendship as well.

We got together several months later when I dropped Natalie off for the summer. He hadn’t been to my folk’s house in 23 years. We watched the Indians play and talked about our lives. He mentioned his employer and my jaw hit the floor. Terry worked for the pool manufacturer from Jonathan’s call and Pam’s dream. Life is funny that way. Terry began to text me late at night when he was feeling down.

Life got pretty busy again with Stephen and then Nick’s illnesses. I made a few trips East but didn’t run into Terry. Finally, when Nick got healthy again, I was ready to find a new job. I started lining things up including two interviews with consultants that were interested in my background. Neither one would get me to Ohio but each would get me away from the bad work situation I was in. Maybe Jesus’s path included a way station on the way to wherever I was headed.

Then Terry texted me in the middle of the workday which he had never done. He had noticed that his company was trying to hire for the position in which I am most comfortable and for which I am most qualified. Did I have a resume? I forwarded mine immediately, but was sort of disappointed. I was sure the opportunity would come to fruition after I would already have other offers. I didn’t think I could turn down an opportunity to safely escape the bad employment situation that I was currently enduring. Shortly, thereafter I was called to the Plant Manger’s office and let go.

All in all, my situation is very strange. Whenever I am waiting for news from one of my interviews, I hear from Terry’s company instead. Things move forward in that one direction and backward with regard to all other opportunities. Terry’s boss is flying me out on Saturday for a week get a feel for their business. There is a portion of my personality in open rebellion against anything with the aroma of good news, but it is the company from Pam’s dream. In a way the whole situation appears to have climbed out of the pages of a Narnia book. Still, the question remains: do I trust and submit to Jesus? Yes, I think I do.

Note to the young – this is not how normal job searches work.

#God #Jesus #The Holy Spirit #The Virgin Mary #Job Search #Faith #Grace #Peace #Prayer #Vocation #Opportunity #Catholic Answers Live #dreams

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cosmosogler · 7 years

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hi guys. today when i did the pokemon lottery i got the last three prizes in a row. kind of incredible considering they are all five-star lottery stalls and so usually pay out in the middle range with some high and low spots. i also got nothing in the haunted house treasure hunt thing. i’m not annoyed about it, just kind of baffled.

anyway i got up at a decent hour today! i had weird dreams about interacting with family again. i was at a “hospital” although really it was more of an amphitheater, and it took on that function a few minutes later anyway. i was with my family celebrating something but i was real sore from my gallbladder surgery so i didn’t really want to move around much. i didn’t take any painkillers last night so maybe the soreness just translated over.

at the end i guess i was tasked with tracking down a rogue a.i. in like a giant mall? i noticed it wasn’t really doing anything wrong besides acting shifty though. it was a complicated feeling. like, i knew things could easily go south real fast (especially with me physically out of commission), but i also wanted to trust the machine to do the right thing, but i knew that might not be very likely considering the way other people treated it. it was like a weird hope for the best and acceptance of the worst at the same time. i guess that’s pretty relevant to my life right now.

i got a haircut. just a trim. it does feel shorter. but i look like a dweeb with the stuff she put in my hair to make it lay straighter. dad and i brought home takeout chinese food for lunch. that made me... pretty sick, but not painfully i guess.

so after that i basically just waited around for mom to get home. mike squeezed eve in for an appointment today in the afternoon so mom was coming home early to take eve over to his office. since dad wouldn’t be able to drive her all the way out there and back and still have time to finish everything before work. i did some chores in the backyard with dad and my brother - basically just helped my brother with the patio furniture and picked up some stray dog toys laying around the yard. i didn’t do any heavy lifting or anything but i was still pretty sore and tired by the time mom got home.

i was happy i’d spent a little time giving eve a good rub-down again before we’d gone outside. she burned her feet a little bit on the driveway. i was glad to see she remembered to run straight to the shade of my brother’s car while we waited for mom to unlock her car doors. it’s been a while since she’s needed to do that. i remember when we had to emergency panic-teach her that one time we were hiking in sedona. taylor and i had to take off our socks and i think we used uma’s hair ties? to tie the socks to eve’s feet to give her a little cover. i’d sprint to the next patch of shade and call her over and she caught on that the shade didn’t burn real fast. then when we got to the creek eve jumped in before we could get the socks off. so taylor and i had muddy-red socks after that.

anyway we drove to mike’s office and i tried to bribe eve with the cookies they keep in the waiting room. she wasn’t having any of it though. we got her into one of the patient rooms and i sat with her while mike and his tech did a quick physical examination.

all things considered we got the best possible news. mike said she was in good health other than cancer leg, and he could fit her in for an amputation in a week. so that would give me a week to take care of her while she recovered before i move to florida. he reminded us that she could, of course, die for unrelated reasons (like a heart attack) at any time, but this would be the natural next step to take either way.

and eve finally ate the cookie when i offered it again. maybe because they didn’t try to take her temperature or update her vaccines or clip her nails. and she wasn’t trembling which is a big accomplishment for her!

when we were trying to get eve out of the car and into the office she got stuck between the backseat and the chair of the front seat. her leg was at a weird angle and she couldn’t move it or bend it enough to get it off the seat. so i shoved the front seat forward as far as i could to get her un-wedged.

when we got back in the car the first thing eve did was get behind the front seat on the floor and curl right up there. so i couldn’t move the seat back. so i spent the whole car ride home with my knees smashed against the glove box. mom and i discussed the pros and cons of not having an exit to our neighborhood southbound on the freeway. you have to pass our house, drive two miles down to the first exit, turn around and get back on the freeway, drive past our house again, then get on the exit and get on the frontage road and drive past our house again, and then get on the neighborhood road and get to the house. well, there’s a few ways to get through the neighborhood, but they’re all kinda slow.

it adds more than five minutes to any trip where we’re coming in from the north considering the lights on the first exit are the two worst in the city.

one is never green, and then as soon as you can cross the bridge to get back on the freeway the green arrow turns red by the time you reach the light. so you get to DOUBLE WAIT.

anyway after that i gave all the dogs a cookie. and then i wasted the rest of my evening on youtube and junk. honestly i was wiped. knowing there’s something we can do for eve... it felt like i’d been holding a big ball of energy for the last full day and when mike gave a definite recommendation it just kind of escaped and i was dead tired.

i made myself dinner but it wasn’t very good and it also made me feel pretty sick and sore. i’m still reallllllllly stiff all down my chest and side. trying to wear a bra while out in public made everything 861 times worse.

ah dang, i forgot to ask mom or dad to take me to the pharmacy. i think i’ve only got one pill left on my current prescription. the pharmacy’s got a refill ready but i still can’t drive. technically i’m not supposed to drive or lift anything “heavy” (more than 15-ish pounds) until i do the follow-up with the surgeon, but i think at a minimum i should wait ten days. usually follow-ups happen within ten days but my surgeon just went on vacation so i don’t see her for another week and a half.

prescription as in my normal pills. not the painkillers. those don’t have a refill. i’m hoping sleeping will be a little easier tonight now that i’ve gotten through a full night without taking any.

i wouldn’t write about it so much here but interacting with mother has kind of shot my confidence so i am confirming to myself that i am using my prescribed medicine responsibly and as directed.

interacting with dad... he said a lot of really hurtful things that play real easy into insecurities i have about interacting with other people. i feel like nothing he’s said after that, even after three weeks, has been as important or worth remembering.

i dunno. hearing “you don’t care about anyone but yourself” periodically over the years kinda makes you feel bad i guess? if you care about things like that. or if you’re insecure and worry about coming across as selfish and you do care about other people but you’re not very physically affectionate so they think you’re lying. hearing that kind of thing yelled in your face kind of bums you out. my other favorite is “you’re so egotistical, you think you’re too good to interact with anyone.” that’s stuck with me for a long time. i guess it’s been like 9 years now since i got that one dumped on me.

bullying doesn’t just come from classmates and your parents. other people’s parents and school administration like to get in on the action too sometimes.

boy do i just love being told what i think. “you’re not really sorry” is another Greatest Hit.

dad said more than one hurtful thing. i only gave one example here. thinking about what he said, thinking about what my parents must think about me to say things like that, makes me feel honestly kinda sick. it puts all the yelling politics sessions and car lectures in a new light. i used to think they would cast me as the “other side” in an argument because they genuinely thought i always disagreed with them forever. i told myself that was silly, they were probably just getting worked up as they thought more about whatever they were yelling at me about.

but now? i think, at least dad, does genuinely think i’m one of those “filthy idiot liberals.”

and i mean... i guess he’s right, sort of. not always. but i never told him anything about what i thought. i worry about what made him assume it was ok to decide i was his antagonist in this “argument” (lecture, yelling session) and what made him assume what my opinion on any topic was when i have never, ever told him what those actual opinions are.

like, i don’t even barely tell my FRIENDS what my political opinions are unless i am completely comfortable. what in god’s name let him know what those opinions were? does my body language give THAT much insight into my thought process? do i just look like a smug asshole all the time or something?

asher said i just look anxious and tired all the time. i don’t know how anxious and tired translates to punchably condescending, but i guess, you can see a lot of whatever you want to see if you believe in it hard enough.

i’m up late... it’s weird how these comments turn into time bombs. like i think about it even when i don’t think i’m thinking about it and then suddenly i have emotions about it? it makes it REALLY hard to figure out what’s bothering me so much i can’t work all the time. is it really just because i feel too sick to eat and that makes me tired? or is there another reason stacking on it that’s making it just too hard to work through? something half-forgotten that i don’t know how to deal with but it’s decided to cause problems anyway? why do subconscious fears make me look (and feel) really lazy all the time? what even is lethargy.

it’s disheartening to run into boundaries... the physical boundaries of your body, i mean. like i used to think i had an endless well of determination and grit that could get me through any rough situation. even though i was literally crying and angry all the time as a kid? i guess i just figured if i needed the mental/emotional energy, the motivation, i would just look into myself and find it there somewhere.

but going to college all these years, feeling suicidal some of the time, experiencing my joints locking up just from fear... that motivation isn’t actually there. it’s not hiding under any of the stones i’ve overturned at least. i can’t just keep going and going forever. i can’t just say “i won’t give up!” and then actually not give up. i don’t got the gila monster death grip.

unless... i do, and i’m just too lazy to find it? why can’t i just try harder?? is this the kind of limit that’s all in my head and my *Attitude* will make everything better? because so far when i do that, when i keep going even though my body and brain say stop, my body breaks.

mom always said i had no pain tolerance. then she found out my pain tolerance is incredible and it was just that no one believed me when i said i had severe chest pains.

then after my heart surgery was over and done with, and i still had trouble exercising, my mom attributed it to “no pain tolerance” because i was “scared that any pain is bad now that something was wrong once.”

so i guess no matter what i have no pain tolerance? i dunno.

um... i guess... the reason i put so much stock in what other people say about me, what they say about what i’m thinking or what i’m like, is because i can’t tell what i look like. i don’t have an outside perspective on myself. i depend on feedback from other people to adjust my behavior or whatever. so when i’m told or i realize that i can’t trust the feedback i’m getting from mom, or dad, or the principal, or craig or whoever, i start feeling like there’s no way i’m ever gonna figure out who i am to other people. and if i don’t know who i am to other people, how am i gonna figure out anything about myself? i need other people to tell me what i am doing so i have a name for it. my perspective is pretty bunk and ain’t very reliable.

that’s probably unhealthy too. but my reality seems to be so dramatically different from other people’s realities that i need to figure out where the overlap is. how i can change myself to act more like the things i want to act like. when i ask “am i kind?” i usually get “not kind ENOUGH.” “am i trying?” “not trying hard ENOUGH.”

i mean how am i supposed to know what i’m REALLY doing? i don’t want to have delusions about myself. i can’t have only my opinion. my opinion sucks and i hate hearing it all the time. without anyone else’s input my head turns into a hellish echo chamber and i can’t figure out how reality works any more.

i wasn’t thinking about that today, not a lot, not more than normal at least. i’m mostly just relieved that there’s something i can do for eve. i’ve never had something i can do to actively make my dog’s life better at the end of their life. bernie had alzheimer’s, or the dog equivalent. she just forgot everything. and when she stopped recognizing me and my sister, and tried to bite us, mom euthanized her basically immediately. we put a lot of time and effort into keeping randi healthy when she had cancer but even after the money we spent and stuff she died on the floor. that was mom’s biggest worry about eve. that the money she spent wouldn’t matter. jake got bloat really suddenly and like two hours later he was dead. there was just... nothing i could do in those situations. but eve might get to live for a few more months. maybe i could see her at christmas. it’s a possibility. i’m afraid to get my hopes up, but knowing the option is there...

so, i guess, i’m sad about my life. but i’m happy about eve’s. and... i’m glad i will be able to help her for that first week. even though it makes me exhausted i’m happy i don’t HAVE to think about death for another short while yet.

#tw suicide #animal death #i just talk about it no bad news actually #were both ok for now

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