#and in a financial and existential crisis

[mint-ty]

can someone kick me in the butt

I have so much to do yet I've been playing tetris for 3 hours already

[fagutt]

when i remember this is my life and im actually living this i feel so weird

[shortansweet]

N: wake up im gonna do something stupid

me: im scared

N: im cutting my hair

me: OMG BITCH DONT DO IT YOURSELF

N: OFC NOT ILL CUT MY EAR INSTEAD OF MY HAIR

me: ok good

*1 hr later*

N: so uhm

me: WHAT DID YOU DO

N: i paid 1k for a haircut instead of 100

me: YOU BITCH GO GET YOUR MONEY BACK

N: they said theyre gonna return it next week

me: NO DO YOU SEE WHY I WAS SCARED????

WHO THW FUCK PAYS 1K FOR A HAIRCUT ME LADKI HOKE BHI ITNA NAI BHARTI HELLO UR DADDY IS RICH KYA-

[ryansquill]

I don’t know how to stop thinking,

and it’s killing me.

But.

What if this is the only chance to think that I have?

[famouswolflamppaper]

No but seriously, I wanna write huge rant for Barbie movie, but UNLIKE BARBIE, I have to work. even on weekends sometimes.

[sas-soulwriter]

Creative misfortunes for characters

Identity Crisis: Have your character lose their memory, forcing them to rediscover their true self and past.

Betrayal by a Loved One: A close friend or family member betrays the character's trust, leading to emotional turmoil and inner conflict.

Physical Transformation: Give your character a physical ailment or transformation that they must come to terms with, such as sudden blindness, a debilitating illness, or turning into a different species.

Unrequited Love: Make your character fall deeply in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate their feelings, causing heartache and a quest for self-discovery.

Financial Ruin: Strip your character of their wealth and privilege, forcing them to adapt to a life of poverty and face the harsh realities of the world.

False Accusation: Have your character falsely accused of a crime they didn't commit, leading to a desperate quest to clear their name.

Natural Disaster: Place your character in the path of a devastating natural disaster, such as a hurricane, earthquake, or tsunami, and force them to survive and rebuild.

Loss of a Sense: Take away one of your character's senses (e.g., sight, hearing, taste) and explore how they adapt and cope with this profound change.

Forced Isolation: Trap your character in a remote location, like a deserted island, and make them confront their inner demons while struggling to survive.

Haunted Past: Reveal a dark secret from your character's past that comes back to haunt them, threatening their relationships and well-being.

Time Travel Consequences: Send your character back in time, but make them inadvertently change a crucial event in history, leading to unintended consequences in the present.

Psychological Breakdown: Push your character to the brink of a mental breakdown, exploring the complexities of their psyche and their journey towards recovery.

Unwanted Prophecy: Have your character be the subject of a prophecy they want no part of, as it places them in grave danger or disrupts their life.

Loss of a Loved One: Kill off a beloved character or make your protagonist witness the death of someone close to them, igniting a quest for revenge or justice.

Incurable Curse or Disease: Curse your character with an incurable ailment or supernatural curse, and follow their journey to find a cure or accept their fate.

Sudden Disappearance: Make a character disappear mysteriously, leaving the others to search for them and uncover the truth.

Betrayal of Morals: Force your character into a situation where they must compromise their ethical values for a greater cause, leading to moral dilemmas and internal conflict.

Loss of a Precious Object: Have your character lose a cherished possession or artifact that holds sentimental or magical significance, setting them on a quest to recover it.

Political Intrigue: Place your character in a position of power or influence, then subject them to political intrigue, manipulation, and power struggles.

Existential Crisis: Make your character question the meaning of life, their purpose, and their place in the universe, leading to a philosophical journey of self-discovery.

Remember that misfortunes should serve a purpose in your story, driving character growth, plot development, and thematic exploration.

[pokemonlezbian]

So I realized I’m never gonna be the person who catches them all, has all the display booster boxes, full sets etc. i literally can not afford to like multiple Pokémon so I’ve pigeon holed myself to obsess only about one Pokémon and focus on getting all the different art on them bc that seems to be more accessible than trying to go for what I actually like which is a variety…does anyone else feel this or get what I’m saying?

[jq37]

Just to throw my two cents on the Rat Grinder discourse: They weren't worth the Intrepid Heroes' time. We didn't get the full picture of what's going on with the Grinders until the last quarter of the season. Before that they were just this other clique that hate the main characters, so in-character why would the Bad Kids bother giving them so much attention when they've got so much of their own crap going on. Kristens quest to get Cassandra back and her presidential campaign, Gorgugs courseload, Riz's million and one plates that he's been spinning all season, Adaines financial problems, Figs curse and her doubts about what she wants to do with her life. Fabian's the only one who might have had the time, but he had to be Maximum Legend. There genuinely was no time or even an incentive on the IH's side to develop the Rat Grinders characters.

I still think it's fucked up that these teenagers got taken advantage of by adults they trusted, but we didn't learn any of that until we only had two roleplay episodes left. Too little too late to even try anything diplomatic even if they didn't spend all their time after the Last Stand in hiding.

And a thing about Ivy that no one is roasting her about and really should: An elven archer? Really? Wow, never seen that before.

Yeah totally. Like, from a meta level, I see where the players themselves could have been more curious about the Rat Grinders. There are obvious plot threads that could have been teased out there (though, in fairness to the cast, the adult manipulation aspect didn't become clear until way later in the season--the rivalry and foil aspects were more obvious). This final confrontation could look really different if they'd played that all the way out all season.

But in character? The Bad Kids really didn't have a good reason to waste time on the Rat Grinders. They came into this school year already burnt out from their Night Yorb quest and wanting a break. But they don't get that because they immediately are beset by problems they have to deal with--Kristen's god is on death's door from neglect and she's on the brink of expulsion, Riz is running himself ragged trying to boost his resume for college, Fig is having a whole ass existential crisis, Adaine is struggling with money issues she doesn't want to talk about, Gorgug is taking FOUR YEARS of school at the same time, and Fabian is multiclassing and dealing with his empty house/not having parental support (or Cathilda's support) for the first time. They are dealing with SO MUCH high stakes, personal stuff before the plot even kicks in. And, mechanics-wise, this is represented with the downtime system that means that any time they spend on the RG's is time they can't spend on something that matters more to them. IMO, not prioritizing your haters is actually pretty mature. Like, they weren't proactively using their free time to bully them or anything (except for arguably Fig). They were snippy with them when they crossed their paths and that was it. As opposed to the Rat Grinders who literally had to be told by Jace to stop antagonizing the Bad Kids (though they must have been pretty ineffectual at it because the Bad Kids hardly noticed, which I bet stung considering they were so obsessed).

And also, it's not like they didn't try at all with the Rat Grinders. Early Insight checks on Kipperlilly just got, "This is a polished steel orb of a personality" which doesn't sound very worth interacting with in a sympathetic way if at all and then the next big thing they learn is that she had hated Riz since Freshman Year and that she wants Riz and Kristen dead. And that's AFTER we saw her smile and kill her party cleric. In their position I'm not spending further time trying to empathize with this person, I have made my judgement and it's up to the Jawbones of the world to find if there's something in there to be rehabilitated.

And that's not the only case. Adaine straight up saved Ruben from disintegration during the Frosty Folk battle when she easily could have saved the spell slot, but that didn't soften him towards the Bad Kids any. Adaine also was really keen to Scry on the Rat Grinders to find out what was happening at their meetings. But, in scene at least, she was never able to do that so we never got a scene of them, huddled together, clearly unsure about the path they're on but not feeling like they can walk it back or say no to the authority figures in their lives. She didn't get anything humanizing that would cause her to rethink their position on them the way that she did with Aelwyn for instance. So why would they think they're anything but gleeful co-conspirators?

Hell, the one RG Adaine was even slightly curious about was Oisin and now we know that he was feigning interest in her which, man, can you imagine how much worse that would have felt if she'd actually taken the bait and pursued him beyond just thinking he was cute? Of course, it's possible that her interacting with him more along with some good charm rolls could have changed the narrative in some way but we can only go off of what we know to be true in canon and those facts are (1) He tried to get closer to Adaine while actively planning the downfall of her and her friends, (2) he (along with Ivy) was mean to Buddy behind his back while tricking him into a plan that would force him to go against his religious beliefs, and (3) he called his KVX related dragon ancestors to try to kill the Bad Kids and endanger the entire student body population. Three strikes, you're out. If I'm a Bad Kid I'm not super interested in whatever else is going on with him. And again, literally all of Adaine's friends (except Riz) gave her help to do an Insight check on him during their confrontation in the hallway so she was looking for something there worth engaging with, but she didn't get much.

Fig was fully doing CIA, MKUltra, Fantasy Geneva Convention violations on Ruben to try see if she could get information or flip him. I think she did it in an objectively insane way so I'm not entirely shocked that it didn't yield the exact results she was looking for. But she never found the smoking gun (or whatever the opposite of that is) in his head that would absolve him/show the Rat Grinders were being controlled and her messing with his dreams never flared his conscience enough to make him try to break free (as far as we know) which is what I assume she was going for. If I was Ruben looking for a way out but scared of the repercussions, I might go to Adaine who saved me from certain death earlier the same year and has helped saved the world 3 times with her party and their friends in high (and low) places. Maybe that's what Fig thought might happen but it didn't so from Fig's POV? Gave him a chance. Time to start blasting. And again, at that age, if I walked in to the first day of class and the first thing this random boy does is sneer at me and flaunt his musical success, I'm popping up on his Nemesis Alert at that moment. Doubly so after he tries to trick me and my friends into doing drugs so we get expelled. I'm surprised she tried at all with him.

Fabian absolutely tried to interact with Ivy--in large part for self interested reasons of course, but that doesn't change that he did it. And she came across as callous and unkind from the jump. Their final conversation before the latest episode is the one where she talks about wearing Mazey like a sweater and then says that Fabian missed his chance with her before stalking off. That's a pretty open and shut interaction. No way 17 year old me is like, "Hmm, but why is she acting so mean? Perhaps I should examine that more closely to further understand her." Nah, I've decided she sucks.

And Kristen has tried with Buddy literally up until the last moment. She rolled an Insight check on him right before the fight started and she got a 1. She got nothing from him.

Mary Ann is actually the only Rat Grinder who hasn't done anything to make a bad impression on the Bad Kids--the only thing she did was have a really good Bloodrush tryout. So no reason to hate her specifically (and, in fact, she is also the only Rat Grinder that at least half of them are positively obsessed with), but no reason to explore her further. And Kristen still tried giving her a stuffed animal and her response was that she already had that one and that she was going to give it away. What are they supposed to do with that?

Even when they tried, they didn't get information that was worth chasing when they were so busy and had to manage their free time. Gorgug didn't even slot in downtime to talk to his bio parents when they visited. Why would he spend any time on Mary Ann to figure out her deal? Maybe if they were given more explicit opportunities to interact with them in passing. If Mary Ann was shown at Bloodrush Games. If during class time Oisin tried to interact with Adaine. If Kristen ran into Buddy and Bucky talking. If any of their forays into talking to them or looking into them yielded anything actionable or that piqued their interest--they opened the door for Brennan to give them something more than once. But they never got anything that was worth investing more of their limited time into.

(And also, they didn't learn that Porter was involved until WAY into the last quarter of the episodes. Which absolutely could have changed things since, as far as they knew the RG's were working alone to raise this god which isn't crazy for them to think because Kristen literally did that last year and it was of her own free will. If they knew early that the RG's were smaller players in Porter's plot then maybe they would have been in more of a rescue mindset--especially since Fig has always mistrusted him--but that's not information they had and by the time they got it, the RG's were in deep hiding, like you said.)

And so, coming into the last few episodes, that's who the Rat Grinders are to the Bad Kids. A group of kids who they first heard about in the context of, "they famously hate you," even though they'd never interacted before. A group of kids who they already thought sucked even before they tried to kill the entire study body an hour ago. A group of kids who are trying to doom all of Elmville to eternal rage and who are willing and ready to kill them to do it.

With that context, yeah I think their actions are pretty understandable.

(Also, lmao. Yeah, I think calling Ivy basic would probably hurt her more than most things you could say to her.)

[fandsart]

Steve whose parents are scrooge level extreme capitalists who don't believe that children should be allowed to "freeload" off their parents.

Steve whose dad pushes him into sports to eventually make something of himself and earn what little he is provided with.

Steve whose mom makes Steve maintain the house while they're away instead of hiring a housekeeper.

Steve whose parents are scrooge level extreme capitalists who pinch pennies even when they have so much money already.

Steve whose dad who doesn't pay for heating and cooling if he's away for long enough.

Steve who sometimes won't have access to warm water for months at a time.

Steve whose mom gives limited allowances for food, but is the level of rich that she's never really checked for prices herself and so underestimates how much things cost.

Steve who himself must pinch his pennies.

Steve whose parents are obsessed with appearances.

Steve whose mom who is sends clothes every now and then. The most stiff and respectable items on the market.

Steve who can't afford to waste money on clothes he actually wants because of his limited budget.

Steve whose dad sends a house inspector at least once a month if he's away for longer than a full one to make sure Steve has in fact been keeping up on it.

Steve who sometimes has to waste some of his precious money on cleaning supplies for the house.

Steve back in high school sitting there like ;-; while Eddie goes on a tabletop rant about how rich boy Steve could never understand what it's like to race in the shower with the water boiler to finish before the heat runs out, or what it's like to regularly skip meals to save money for clothes that are both actually comfortable and stylistically preferable.

Steve who took a cold shower that morning, and is now wearing the itchiest and ugliest thing left in his wardrobe because he needs to buy detergent which is why he skipped lunch that day ;-;

Steve whose always been teased for his big-ass house and his pool and these luxuries that surround him that he honestly has very few positive experiences with. Steve not realizing until that very moment that he, himself, is not actually all that financially stable at all.

Steve having an existential crisis in the middle of the day in the Hawkins High cafeteria

[icyg4l]

PAC: How Can You Attract Your Lover: Queer Edition

Hello beautiful people! Today marks the last Friday that I will be posting for a while. However, I’ll still be here for the remainder of the weekend. If you would like to purchase a reading, please message me privately. Today’s reading is the last post regarding Pride Month. Thank you all for supporting me financially and content-wise. It is much appreciated. Without further ado, please select your pile.

Top Left-to-Bottom Right: (1-4)

Pile One: You’re not boring at all, Pile One. You are just very particular with the way that you want things. You may feel like your love life is an “abomination” right now but it’s not. You are fixed in your conviction of what love looks like for you. However, you need to open your eyes. Love will not find its way to you if you keep trying to manipulate the situation. Keep an open mind of what’s out there. Be open to flings and short-term romances. In my mind’s eye, I am seeing a butterfly open its wings, getting ready to fly. I heard the “Empire State Building”. If you have been thinking of taking a weekend trip to New York or New Orleans, then you should do so. You will meet someone there. This person has a Coca-Cola smile and piercing eyes waiting for you to arrive.

Who: This person is tall, not average tall either. They’re abnormally tall. They’re into anime/cartoons. They have distinctive features as well. They are fluent in French. This person could be into watching cooking shows/MTV. They are sensual and suave. They are intuitive, very in touch with themselves. They could wear a dangly earring. They could definitely live in New York or have an obsession with “The Big Apple”. They could have ties to the military. They are quick-moving. They like to flirt with others. They love to smoke, and they have an oral fixation.

Cards Used: The Tower, Five of Swords, Page of Wands, Judgment, The Star, Eight of Wands, Nine of Wands, Queen of Cups, Queen of Wands.

Pile Two: You need to stop being so uptight! Let loose and groove a little bit, Pile Two. You need to go out dancing with your friends. You will enjoy it there. You will meet someone there who catches your attention. They will be watching you from afar. I am seeing the Barbie movie dance scene, where everyone is having a good time until Barbie starts having an existential crisis. Your boredom is preventing you from seeing how good you really have it. You have the gift of gab so use it! It is also easy for you to manifest through the utilization of your physical body, if you know what I mean. So, if you wanna manifest using the ‘o’ method, DO IT!!! Start doing things that you would typically shy away from. Aim to step away from the crowd.

Who: This person is a little younger than you. They could be on the petite side. They have a cockiness to them that can’t be turned off. They could own a motorcycle. They have impulse issues/have ADHD/ADD. They like to do things quick and fast. They move and talk like they have somewhere to be. They could have long fingernails (stilettos, if acrylic). They could have some sort of connection to Cardi B/Left Eye. They have a dream where they’re the head of the spaceship; they want to pioneer a project. They are extra-terrestrial simply put.

Cards Used: Strength, Eight of Cups, The Sun, Four of Cups, Six of Pentacles, Three of Wands, Queen of Pentacles, The Empress, Eight of Wands, Page of Swords, Six of Wands.

Pile Three: It feels as though you are healing from a past heartbreak. Give yourself time to move past that situation, Pile Three. Sit in the discomfort. Trying to avoid it will not make the time pass by quicker. You need to lick your wounds. If anyone tries to artificially speed up your process of healing, do not hesitate to cut them off. You need to take this time of seclusion to sit with yourself and ask: “How can things be different the next time around”? Forgive yourself for allowing the mistreatment. You have a long road to go down on this journey of self-forgiveness babe. Hug yourself but also hold yourself accountable. You need to do some serious shadow work, Pile Three.

Who: They have a lot of tattoos. Their eyes are warm and dreamy. They have luscious hair. They could like the movie ‘Mean Girls’. They take a lot of pride in being your partner. They stand on business. They have a good relationship with their father. Dignity, pride, sensibility are words that come up to align them with. They have good manners. They could be kind of cold, at first but don’t judge a book by its cover. This person is drop dead gorgeous, no matter what their gender is. They have a tender heart. They like to move with a purpose. They are calculated, and value their time and money. This person is marriage material.

Cards Used: Seven of Swords, The Chariot, The High Priestess, The Devil, The Emperor, Ten of Swords, King of Cups, Knight of Swords, Knight of Cups, Two of Cups, King of Pentacles, King of Swords.

Pile Four: I can tell that you just need a break, Pile Four. You need to go and move on from whatever has been affecting you negatively (emphasis on the has been). Let bygones be bygones. Air out your grievances. You will feel much lighter. Send that text message you’ve been meaning to send. Reconcile with that person you’ve been pondering on letting back in. There’s dead weight on you. Let it go. You would benefit a lot from twerking/whining/moving your hips. Let it all out. Even if you do something you regret, so what? We’re all human. Just live your life, babe.

Who: This is someone you have a spiritual connection with. It could be karmic. This person is not naive. They know a lot about religion or spirituality. They are big on tradition. They want marriage; a traditional wedding to be exact. They could be going through a time of abstinence right now. They have a masculine flair to them. This person could have multiple ear piercings and/or an eyebrow piercing. They are intimidating, but they are fun to be around once you get to know them. This person is well-respected and adored by many. They are psychic, and proud of it. And, they take their job seriously.

Cards Used: Eight of Cups, Queen of Cups, The Sun, The Empress, Knight of Wands, Page of Pentacles, The High Priestess, King of Wands, The Hierophant.

[yinyuedijun]

But if reader did tell aventurine that the baby isn't his would he be sad it isn't? Would he still take care of her? And then pass out when the baby is born lol different anon but I really like that idea ahah reader's actual response is great too do they close the door to his face too? Is it bad i want aventurine to suffer? XD what if reader does find another rich blond man ahah

HI ANONNN I didn't get the chance to answer this but I wanted to !!!! I was thinking about this and changed my mind, I feel like it probably depends on the circumstances. I never talked about it in translation, but mc does need to sleep with other people for work (and like, he does too lol) so I think aventurine would just assume the pregnancy was a consequence of that. he does really, really treasure them so yes he would take care of them but without the intention of acting as any kind of father to the child (they wouldn't ask him to be, and it wouldn't occur to him). so consequently yes he does pass out when the baby is born and it is CLEARLY his biological child and then the panic of being a father sets in aggghgldhskdjsj 💀 and ykw maybe reader was playing 4D chess in this situation and trying their best not to make him bolt during the pregnancy... LMAO

on the OTHER HAND though if the reader framed it as like. "I slept with someone because I had feelings for them and now I'm pregnant and want to keep their baby" I think aventurine would COMPLETELY lose his fucking marbles lol. it sets him into a different kind of existential crisis where seeing you start a family makes him realizes how empty he feels without one, and how inadequate he would be as a father, and how he's sure that his accursed luck would somehow kill you just like it did the rest of his kin - so it's just as well that you love someone else and are having their kid. this of course does not stop him from spoiling you with expensive gifts and promises of an easy life for you and your child because he cannot fathom any way to make you stay other than financial gain lol

in this scenario, he STILL passes out when he sees that the kid is his, but this time he's a little relieved? because after being miserable for 9 months that he can't ever have a family, surprise! he's actually getting one! (you know, maybe reader was playing 4D chess with him here too 😰)

[happiest-hotch]

3 AM

part one

Summary: Aaron shows up somewhere he shouldn't be with some words for you

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Fem!Reader (Angst/Fluff)

Word Count: 1.4k

Content Warning: mutual cheating

You go home to a house that doesn't feel like home, which isn't anything new, but today, it upsets you. Maybe it's too late, and the case drained you too much. Your self-preservation instincts refuse you to consider an outside factor.

Thankfully, your need for sleep trumps any chance of facing an existential crisis, so instead of staring at the ceiling wondering how your life got to this point, you're asleep almost as soon as your head hits the pillow.

It doesn't last long. Too soon, a knock on your door wakes you, and you reach for your phone to check the time. 2:52- great. If it were BAU-related, Penelope would have called and left messages before pounding on your door in the early morning. You run through who it could be. Maybe your pathetic excuse of a husband lost his keys, but nothing would inspire him to come home unless he learned of your affair and was hypocritically mad. Or it could be much more mundane; police, firefighters, a neighbor. 

Speculation gets too exhausting, so you get up and walk to the front door, checking your gun is sitting on the side table before opening the door.

It's one of the last people you expect. You wrap your robe tighter around yourself, defensive and hyper-aware that he's in jeans and a shirt, and you're in a tank and sleeping shorts. 

"Hotch." You greet him coldly, colder than the chilly DC night air. 

He didn't expect a more positive reaction. "Don't call me that." He says slightly too pathetically. 

"What can I do for you?" You ask, unsure what's compelling you to continue the conversation and not just slam the door in his face.

He shouldn't be here.

He knows it, you know he knows it, and you know it.

"Let me in." The Unit Chief tone, commanding authority, is nowhere to be heard, no matter how hard he tries to muster it up.

You sigh, momentarily weighing the pros and cons before stepping aside. Aaron follows you in carefully. Houses, thus far, have been off limits, like there was some unwritten rule neither of you would show up at the other places, knowing the consequences, but he's here, and you're still not sure why.

As you lead him down the hallway, Aaron keeps his head down, obviously trying to avoid being nosey. It's amusing since the personal pieces he assumes you have and refuses to look at don't exist. You wonder if he's drawing similarities between you and where you live, both beautiful on the outside and empty on the inside.

"Is he-" His question quickly gets reframed. "Are you alone?"

"I was." You answer. "He's in Pierre, South Dakota."

"Our case was in Pierre, Sou- Oh." Unsurprisingly, he put it together quickly. Pierre, South Dakota, is not a big enough place for you not to have run into your husband.

You laugh humorlessly. "I know. It's smart to have an infallible lie, but maybe not that specific." You remark. "He's actually in Miami. I checked the credit card and told him our case was there, so he always has to look over his shoulder."

Aaron doesn't smirk at what you consider a wonderfully devious plan. Instead, he looks concerned. "You still have joint credit cards? Are you keeping any money he can't touch?"

"Surely you didn't come here to discuss my financials." You shoot back, but he raises his eyebrows, and you know you can't progress the conversation without answering his question. "Yes. I've been to a lawyer and an accountant. He's only running himself into massive amounts of debt." You assure him. "Although, I'm not sure when this became your business."

His answer doesn't come quickly, and when he speaks, it's inadequate. "It's not."

"Okay, so what are you doing here?" You prompt. "Because you look like hell, Aaron, and you could really do with some sleep."

"I went home and sat there for an hour just thinking." He tells you. So, he didn't get lucky enough to fall asleep and avoid dreadful spiraling thoughts.

"You want to talk about your feelings?" You ask incredulously, unsure how he conjured the audacity to come here. His lack of answer is an answer. "No." You shake your head firmly. "You don't get to do this. Whatever we are, we don't discuss feelings."

"We could," Aaron begs desperately. It's not hard to profile that he keeps his emotions bottled up until he's bursting, so you know Aaron's here for a different type of release, for you to drain yourself listening to his problems and leave before he can consider that you have feelings.

You could hit him hard enough that he stops talking, and it's tempting.

"I'm okay with running to you when you want to have sex, but I can't be who you run to when you want to talk to someone about your day." You explain it as simple as you possibly can. 

"I don't think of you like that," Aaron assures you, his eyes softening as his words fall short of being stern.

Frustrated, you huff. You're tired and wound up, easily upset, and Aaron shouldn't be here. "Well, I have to think of you like that... or I can't sleep with you and not feel anything."

"You're not hearing me." He argues, a tiny flicker of the fire you saw before appearing in his eyes. "I want you to feel things."

You bit down on your bottom lip to avoid crying. You've become so callous to everything around you, bottled so much of it up that it's difficult to let any emotion show without breaking the floodgate. 

"You don't." You fight back, although it comes off far weaker than you expected. "I'm messy, my whole life is just one disaster after another, and I'll never excite you if we're not sneaking around."

Aaron's hands come to cup your cheeks, surprising you completely. It's a soft touch that has your lips closed in a second. "Don't say that." He instructs, speaking firmly but gently. "You're not a mess, not at all."

"Look at where we are, Aaron!" You remind him, throwing your arm at your side. For a detail-orientated person, he's only focusing on the big picture. "I'm married, you're married, and this is so damn messy."

"I know, I know." He nods. "It's... less than ideal, but we can get through it." He promises, holding you tighter now, like he's worried you'll slip away. "I want to be there for you. I don't care about any mistakes from your past. And please, please don't say that you won't excite me because I will always be excited every time I see you." It's enough to have you in gentle tears, not angry, heavy sobs, and he does his best to wipe them up delicately. "But if you don't feel the same way..." 

Aaron's waiting for your decision, and he isn't about to add more pressure, but he will stand there for as long as you need to decide. 

"I do." You affirm. "God, Aaron, I want to be with you more than anything, but I'm not sure I know how to." Being married is just a technicality now, and a divorce is something you're fiscally ready to do now. 

"Tea." He decides, his permanently furrowed brows relaxing. 

"Tea?" You repeat. 

He moves slightly away from you. "Where's the kitchen?" You're still confused about why now is the right time for tea, so you wait for him to explain. "I'm going to make you tea, and we're going to drink it while you tell me how you're feeling, and then whatever you want- a drive, breakfast, you name it, it's yours."

You pull away from him, offering your hand to take him to the kitchen. "Sleep is what we're doing after this." You tell him. "I don't say it to be mean, but you do look like hell."

"Wait." He stops you before you're in the kitchen, turning to hold your hands in his. "You need to know that I don't care about anything in your distant or soon-to-be past, but it's always going to be my privilege to be part of your future."

Aaron isn't meant to be here, and you aren't either, but wherever you're meant to be, it's with him.

[sunburnacoustic]

On Muse album closers: The 2nd Law

On Muse’s sixth album, The 2nd Law, Matt turns his eyes to environmental and existential anxieties, while placing the blame squarely at the feet of greed and capitalism, presented through a physics metaphor for an economic situation: just as the 2nd law of thermodynamics states that entropy (or general instability) of an isolated system is always increasing, an economic system building itself on endless growth becomes more unstable. (And as the first law states, perpetual motion, or growth, is impossible, and hence unsustainable in the long run). How anyone was surprised that this exactly was Muse's first album in the aftermath of the global financial crisis is beyond me.

An interesting mix of the electronic and 'real' elements on this album at a time when the debate about rock and guitar bands using electronic instruments was rife, it's interesting to me how some of the most overtly electronic songs on this album (Madness, Follow Me) also happen to be the most personal ones Matt wrote, while his rawness is reserved for his environmental angst: Animals, Explorers, to an extent Survival, when seen outside the Olympic light.

The two 2nd Law tracks flip that script of course, and the contrast between them (one heavier, the other much more understated) does kind of reflect what they're about, but the cold, chilling nature of Isolated System? Easy to see why they picked it as a soundtrack to play repeatedly under an apocalyptic film (which is still extremely diluted from the book, which does encompass more themes of a bio-ecological disaster than the film). It does return to Muse's tried and tested album closer formula of finishing the album with a haunting piece of music that will leave you thinking about the album you've just listened to, slightly unsettled.

[Part of the Album Closers: Unflipped series, full post here]

[allieebobo]

Nooo don't get rid of the athlete/soccer player option!! ;___; It's my favorite!

I like the whole "This is a fine hobby but not stable/viable as a profession" theme going on with it and the musician route, with stakes much higher in soccer route due to possibility of injuries/wear and tear and age working against you.

And even if you have a college degree, your time to obtain "experience" gets limited and your chances to land a "proper (read: well-paying)" job gets smaller in the post-athlete era.

And let's face it: it doesn't have much wealth in social currency as far as where your family is concerned so you have family pressure on that frontier too (as seen with the auntie at the dinner).

With music, it takes connections but mostly luck and right timing: fame can happen at any age, especially in today's world. But sports have a bit of a time limit for reasons mentioned above.

MC does it all in a different country, away from their family too. So it all adds a different dimension to their struggles.

It's a headcanon but I also see both soccer/music routes MCs as struggling with feeling like a financial and emotional burden on their loved ones. They are constantly on the move, going from gig/match to another, photo ops/training camps/studio time, dealing with media, not much money earned due to amateur status which is also an issue when you are living in New York City, which is notoriously expensive to live in. So there is a lot of relying on Nat financially while not being able to return it equally, causing the relationship to fall apart regardless of how you feel.

If you play as queer, there is also that specifically in the soccer route. You are also canonically POC and an immigrant which is another thing that would make your path to success difficult in those (if not all) fields in the USA.

I like the whole "This is a fine hobby but not stable/viable as a profession" theme going on with it and the musician route, with stakes much higher in soccer route due to possibility of injuries/wear and tear and age working against you.

Ooh, I agree with the first one (and I think that vibe is paralleled with the "goddamn you became the wrong kind of doctor of the PhD student" and the "why do you have to be CEO of a shitty start-up (your own shitty start-up) instead of just work for a legit big company with iron-clad legitimacy".) And I really love the idea of 'wear and tear'/injuries and "you're not young anymore, and if you're not yet established, you might as well give up" (which adds an extra layer to MC's existential late-20s crisis and pressure to have a stable relationship too).

I also see both soccer/music routes MCs as struggling with feeling like a financial and emotional burden on their loved ones [...] So there is a lot of relying on Nat financially while not being able to return it equally. If you play as queer, there is also that specifically in the soccer route.

OK these two points I didn't think of, and I especially love the Nat part. I might add that in as a reason why y'all drifted apart when I next have the time to do some edits. It definitely is exactly the sort of 'adult' problem that... while Nat would never voice out loud / explicitly say is a problem, it does, as you say, put strain / pressure on the relationship and on MC esp. for MCs who feel like they need to pull their own weight.

But yes thank you for batting hard for the soccer player option.

I will consider keeping all the options in so long as you guys are OK that PhD student and singer will get significantly more extra scenes with Nat and Shay respectively.

[tiny-sassy-aggressive]

After watching We’re All Doomed, the comedy show by Daniel Howell, I need to take moment to write out how that show made me take a step back in my own life and evaluate progress and positive growth in my life as I realized that his timelines/feelings could be foiled in a meaningful way to my life. I was particularly inspired to write this while watching the scenes on the screen of the moments of joy people were experiencing. I swear I had chills and I started to tear up. As he spoke about not only embracing the void, but finding the courage to exist, but not just exist, but to live and find those moments of joy, I was reminded about how that moment in searching for why life was worth living was how I came (back) to Catholicism. I don’t intend this post to encourage others to or away from the Church. I simply was inspired by Dan to share how I got to a place of accepting that life is worth living and how I hope to move forward.

I want to first tw cancer, death, feelings of not wanting to exist, and mentions of suicide. Nothing is explicitly discussed in great detail but only mentioned. I have never written out my story before, barely talk about it even to this day. Tried therapy a few times but it wasn’t for me, but that’s neither here nor there. This is a safe space for me to share something I just wouldn’t with family and friends. Though, I must apologize in advance, like Dan, I talk/write way too much so this will be a very long post.

Thank you to all those who take the time to read my random story and I hope to hear from others how Dan’s story and/or show have affected you so we can share in those feelings as a community.

I am chronically depressed and anxious. Always have been as it runs in the family. However, the problem was my parents, or really, I should just say my mom because my dad was never around in an emotional capacity that mattered, didn’t necessarily believe in mental health. Sure they knew depression and anxiety were real, but those were just emotions people felt and there wasn’t anything to do but continue on and try your best to keep going no matter what. It’ll be fine, just keep moving and working, right? Well when I was 12/13 I was getting bullied really badly. It got to the point where I was having panic attacks before going to school, crying at night, constantly feeling nauseous, and worst of all, I would refuse to leave my moms side, so school got to be pretty difficult. My mom was fully aware of what was going on so she went in immediately and got the bullying handled (as much as she could, middle schoolers are brutal. It never really went away but it was less of a nuisance) but she did not understand why I still felt ill and didn’t want to leave her side. She found me a therapist and I went twice. I knew we had financial struggles and I started to feel better so I stopped going. I was still sad and scared but those were normal feelings, right? I could go to school and play my flute, talk to friends, and sure I was writing songs about being trapped in a cage and having no one hear my screams but I was just an edgy teen, I wasn’t depressed. That’s just me being me. No mental illness here! I’m fine. Spoiler alert- I was not fine and it was only going to get worse.

When I was 14 I found Dan and Phil! I was a huge o2l fan so I followed Connor Franta and he posted Internet Trivia with Dan and Phil and I absolutely fell in love with them and fell down the rabbit hole of their channels and the gaming channel. I loved them both but I definitely had a bias towards Dan because he wore all black and was edgy. Watching Existential Crisis for the first time gave me a phrase to the weird feelings I had. Both affirmed and disproved the fact I was mentally ill but I still didn’t have the words for it so I just thought I was mentally different from other people. Watching that video back with all the context of 2024 and 2024 Dan, that video covered an extraordinarily heavy topic but he never mentioned the word depression or mentally ill because, at that point, why would he? Since he was the only person who voiced those feelings that I also shared, I took them to heart, but I could only take those words to heart as I had no reference to infer what else all that meant. So I kept all my feelings to myself. After all, this guy said he had all these big feelings but was fine. Call me naïve, I was 14, so I believed I could be okay and still feel existential. It was normalized, plus nothing else in my life was being affected, I was doing well in school, I had friends, I had hobbies, I was fine. How could I complain?

A few months after the start my freshmen year of high school, my older brother was diagnosed with leukemia and everything changed. He was sick and had to stay in the hospital for months, one of my parents would always be at the hospital, and me and my little brother would visit on the weekends when we could. My mom really stressed the importance of keeping a normal schedule so we did. School, extracurriculars, piano, just keep moving and everything will be alright. I didn’t cry, I couldn’t cry. I had to remain okay, fine, an unbreakable force because I couldn’t have anyone worrying about me because we all had to worry about my brother. Which we did! I never wanted to be a burden or not okay because I wanted all attention and time focused on his wellbeing. I don’t remember talking to anyone about anything emotional. Sure as hell not my parents. Not my brothers. Not even my friends. So I watched videos and removed myself and all emotions from my being so I didn’t have to think or be.

When he was first diagnosed I felt lost and confused. So I did the one thing my private, catholic school taught me to do. I found God and prayed. Except, I can say certainly looking back, it was not a meaningful relationship I created. It was one forged in fear, confusion, and a misunderstanding of how to pray. Ironically, for a catholic school, they didn’t know how to teach someone to come to God, they just expected you to understand, but that’s beside the point and a different conversation. But that’s what I did! I prayed, every morning and night, Lord, Please heal my brother. Please. Tried devotionals I didn’t get, muttered words I didnt understand, and played the part. I watched everyone else around me do it so I did it too, to the point where I believed I needed to be perfect or else my prayers would fail, which, I cannot express enough, was not the appropriate mentality, but that’s what I thought was necessary.

About 7 months later, my brother was in remission and he came home! He was okay! We got through the summer, he came back to school, we were in band and choir together again. It was fun!! We were all okay again. The dark spots in my head were still there but they were probably just left over from how scary last year was. How could I not be happy with my brother back home and alright again. At this point, my prayers were answered so I slowed down my prayers. I was okay so I felt as if I did not need my relationship with God as intensely anymore because I felt fine. Plus, when I was sad or scared those were just normal reactions that were not taking over my life so why dwell on them.

In 2017, Dan released Daniel and Depression. And I don’t exactly remember my reaction. But at that point in my life, I remember coming around to the idea that maybe I was not as mentally sound as I thought. But even listening to what he had to say, I was still convinced I was not depressed, I was just traumatized from what had happened to my brother and to my family. I had spent that time living through hell and I never stopped, I did not lay in bed wallowing, I didn’t not brush my teeth or not take care of myself. I was a high functioning nearly straight a student through and through. I was not depressed.

I don’t know why that was such a dirty word for me. Or maybe it wasn’t a dirty word, but it was something I didn’t want associated with myself. My school didn’t believe in mental health because all you had to do was pray and “you can’t be depressed and be with God” - Which by the way is completely inaccurate and harmful for young people to grow up learning. On the other hand, my parents lived in a hospital with my sick brother for months, I shouldn’t be depressed or talk about the weird sadness I was experiencing after everything they went through. It’d be selfish of me to not be alright.

Two months after Dan posted his depression video, my brother got sick again, the cancer came back. I prayed fervently once again. Knowing it worked once it could work again. Every morning and every night in the depths of my dark room where no one could see or hear because everyone else in my family was not religious or was too angry at God to believe. I put it on myself to pray and to be good so he can be healed again. But I failed. He died 4 months later on my 17th birthday. Years later, a therapist would tell me that happened because he didn’t want me to forget about him, well jokes on the therapist I was never going to forget anyway. I failed, it was my fault he died. If I prayed more, if I was a better person, if I just focused I could have saved him. But I wasn’t enough, I was not good enough to save him. This wasn’t true, of course, nor how religion/prayer works. But I didn’t know what else to do or think. So I blamed myself. I wasn’t even there when he died. My parents told my little brother and I that he wasn’t ever coming home and a few days later, on my birthday, we went to school and when my dad picked us up from school he drove us home and my mom was sitting there and that’s when I knew. My little brother was so cute, he later admitted he just thought my mom had come home to see me for my birthday but I knew immediately. I still don’t know how my dad just picked us up that day and didn’t say anything.

A part of me died that day. How could it not have? It was a strange night. We cried. I ate a pre-bought cupcake. My brother went to lacrosse practice and the next day we both went to school. Because that’s just what we did. We just kept going. Let me tell you, you’ll get the strangest looks from people when they see you at school after they just heard over the loud speaker that your brother had died the previous day. Because really, what were we doing there? We were the highest functioning traumatized students you had ever seen. I was only 2 minutes late to my first class of the day, math. I went to the chapel in the school with my really close friend to cry and listen to adoration music and just wonder why, why, why? 2 minutes wasn’t too bad, the teacher was surprised to see me and I failed the math quiz we had. She was nice, she offered to not have me take it, but I was already there and it was math quiz time so I took the quiz. She let me redo it too. She was nice, I needed it. It felt normal so I felt fine.

And that was all the rest of the 2018 school year was. Fine. Went to class, studied, did my extracurriculars, performed in all the shows, hell, I even went to prom with said super close friend from earlier. It was obvious I was traumatized and sad but how could I not be? But I was doing everything a normal student would be doing so what was the problem?

The problem was I felt alone, hell, I was alone. My family was broken, shattered into a million a pieces. My dad was distant, my mom cried, my bothers and I weren’t talking in any meaningful way. I talked to one person, the guy who held me in the chapel the day after my brother died and who took me to prom. I loved him, we loved each other. He was the only person who I felt actually saw me. I always had some barriers up but I felt free with him and I know he just wanted me to be okay even in the midst of tragedy. We were friendly for 2 years but we got close right before my brother was diagnosed again. Those months meant so much to me and I thought we would always be close. But 1 month after my brother died. He told me he did not want to continue our relationship or friendship. He said I was too much to handle or had too much going on. In all honesty, I don’t remember his exact words because I most definitely mentally blacked out. And he broke what little part of me was left.

(About 2 1/2 years later he ended up calling me and after not really speaking to him at all since that moment, I picked up, more out of curiosity then trying to rekindle anything. He told me that, unbeknownst to me back in 2018, he went to our Moral Theology teacher (yes- private catholic school) to ask for advice because he saw how much pain I was in and he did not know how to help me. Instead of this teacher, a literal adult, going to our schools counselor, my mother, or even me and addressing this 17 year old boys concerns about ME, he told him that he should just give me space because of the mental weight of the tragedy I was living through. His advice to this boy was to essentially isolate me. Looking back, I do feel bad for this boy. He tried so hard to do the right thing for me but didn’t have the right directions. And on the other hand I am so mad at the teacher because that was the worst advice he could have ever given ever. Thanks! Real talk though, I loved that boy and he always meant the world to me. We didn’t keep in touch afterward that 2020 conversation but I kept tabs on him through mutual friends and he always listened to my music on Spotify. He went through a tough time and he committed suicide in 2022. I really do miss him and wish things were different for all aspects of his story, my story, and what might have been our story. It felt wrong to exclude his memory in this post because he truly played such a crucial role and he meant so much to me even years later)

Back to 2018, after he abandoned me. I was completely and utterly alone. And now, I feared opening up at all to anyone because I didn’t want to be perceived as the burden I truly was. So I swallowed every once of trauma, depression, and anxiety so I was perceived as a functioning, fine, human being who didn’t need anyone to worry about her. I didn’t want anyone to worry or care for me because they thought I was fragile or broken because I now had proof that I would become too much to handle and that anyone would just leave me just as he had. And that was it. I smiled, I laughed, I spent the next year completing every senior year milestone and graduated high school. And I didn’t feel one emotion. I was fine.

Summer 2019 was when things started to shift a bit and here’s where I think the foiling begins. For one, Dan had just released Basically, I’m Gay and he started to live his truth being out of the closet. I truly don’t want to nor feel like I can comment anymore on this topic because that was his own personal journey and I don’t want to speculate on anything he said. He did so quite clearly and explicitly. But the point I am making was that in the middle of 2019, he began living his truth. This one thing he didn’t talk about that is so quintessential to his character was now a public part of him and he got to experience that joy of being out. There was a shift in his character, anyone who watched his video could tell, he was happy, he seemed excited. He went to pride, did promotional videos, and he just seemed like he was living in a brighter light. It was beautiful to watch and I’m grateful he let us share in those moments of joy with him.

Before I get too deep into this section, I want to preface and state that I do not remember large chunks of time between 2018-2021. All the trauma and depression have made me forget nearly everything, and it’s a very weird sensation to have little to no memories of 3/4 years of time. I can recall general feelings and most memories I can see are from a third person pov so I can see what was happening, but I see it happening to me, not me actually experiencing the memory.

For me, summer 2019 meant leaving for college. Now, in hindsight, I made a major error. I was going to the same college my brother had been at before he died. I don’t know what I was thinking or why I thought it was a good idea but the school gave me money so I would have been a fool to take on more student loans than necessary, plus, I knew I wanted to transfer the next year and move half way across the country so I had an end goal in sight, just had to get through the year.

I also started to go to church again. There was a cute little church about a half mile down from my school so it was an easy walk. I don’t consider this change/new addition a mistake, but I do often wonder what was I thinking exactly. I don’t recall my exact process but remember two dueling trains of thought. For one, I still 100% felt weird about religion/God because I blamed myself for my brother dying because I wasn’t praying enough and wasn’t good enough to save him. But on the other hand, I did not feel right to never enter a church again and a part of me wanted to return because it felt like the right thing to do. I spent my entire formative years at a private catholic school. I knew all the prayers, scripture, the saints (I was confirmed taking St. Rose Philippine Duchesne), and my senior year religion class was dedicated to teaching us how to explain/teach the faith to non-believers. And I believed in all of it! I had faith, so how could I not be going to church. Call it guilt, or whatever you want to call it, but I couldn’t turn my back on the church after everything I had learned so I went back. It was the truth I believed in and the truth I wanted to live by. I told myself that eventually I would just feel better, I’d continue to pray to heal and keep going through the motions until it stuck. At this point, I had fully embraced the void I was living in. I accepted that I was depressed, I accepted that I was depressed long before the trauma began so I was battling undiagnosed depression alongside the after effects of the trauma, and I accepted that I am an incredibly anxious person. That was alot for an 18 year old to take in but I finally accepted what my truth was. I admit it and that’s the first step right? I know I am mentally ill so I started some therapy, and I continued going to church and praying because every thing I read and was told said those were the best things I could do to help myself. So things could only get better from here, right?

Not necessarily. The end of 2019 flew by and before we knew it we were in the throes of a global pandemic. Within 3 months in 2020, my parents divorced (finally), my grandmother died from the same cancer that my brother had which was sick was twisted if you ask me, and my mom, little brother, and I moved half way across the country. Oh and I transferred colleges in all that too. Besides every single bad thing we experienced, moving was supposed to be our new start. A new place, new schools, new adventures. No longer living in the state with every bad memory we had or the house we essentially grew up in. It was new and fresh, almost the perfect situation to start a mental health journey in, besides the recent trauma I still don’t think I have processed fully and a global pandemic. I just thought I would be getting better.

I remember the part of We’re All Doomed when Dan mentioned 2019 being so important because he started to live his truth and I felt so similarly. I thought once I accepted what was going on in my head I’d feel better. But then 2019-2021 for both of us seemed to be one of our worse times mentally, which is oddly terrifying because of the emphasis that was present on wanting to feel improved.

Between 2019-2021, I struggled with the concept of existing. I did not understand why I was here and others weren’t, what I was meant to do, and why I was meant to do it. I didn’t want to exist. I simply didn’t have the energy. I couldn’t conjure up emotions, nothing real anyway. I just felt nothing. I never felt suicidal, never did anything to harm myself, never wanted to. I knew and continue to know that I never wanted to die. I really just wanted to feel quiet, numb, not of the earth and those are very scary feelings. I could barely put them into words for when I talked to my therapist but I tried, but all she could tell me was to find distractions for myself. Distract, distract, distract, well that’s all I’ve been doing and I don’t feel better. I listened to music, wrote music, talked to my mom, pray, do my class work, scroll through social media, but what then? When alls said and done, the music is off, the conversation is over, the work done, the phone turned off, I was left with myself and I didn’t even recognize her. My mom said she saw a light in my eyes she hasn’t seen in a while but I had no idea what she was talking about. Whatever was on the outside wasn’t being transferred to the inside because I didn’t even know who was staring back at me in the mirror. I just knew she didn’t want to be here anymore. So what now?

When Dan showed us the calendar with the little emoji emotions over the days of the month, I swear my heart stopped for a moment because it reminded me of what I started doing for myself during that same time period, that very same year he was referring to in the show. I had downloaded this app, Hallow, it’s a catholic prayer app. Scripture, guided prayers, saints stories, the whole nine yards. I liked the little guided prayers. Helped me focus I guess. And every night I’d ask for the same thing. To feel better. To be healed. It also had a little section where you could track your mood for the day so I started doing that everyday. I wasn’t thinking too hard about it I just hit the emoji I felt and moved on. Until I started noticing a pattern of hitting, sad, anxious, worried, or unsure. Soon enough I had months upon months, just days filled with those same emojis. When I actually took a step back, just like Dan did, to stare at how my months were covered in little sad emojis it broke me more than I thought it ever could. Was this all that was left for me? Days that left me feeling dejected and dark? Why wasn’t anything I was doing enough to make me feel better, to make me feel something for my life, for this world around me. Every night pleading the same questions to God, why, why, why? Just begging to be healed.

One day in 2021, I felt hopeless, I was tired, drained, and I truly did not know what to do. I just wanted to feel. So I stopped begging God to fix me and I started talking instead. And I talked and talked about everything and nothing all at once. I told Him about my day and what had happened. I told Him about the little anecdotes, my classes, the walk I went on. I told Him what I felt during the day, the big feelings and the little feelings. As I recounted my day and all the little details, I know it sounds ridiculous, but I felt lighter. For the first time in a long time, I was not focused on the big scary black hole of my mind, the void, I spent time talking about what my day had looked like and what I knew was on my schedule for tomorrow. It grounded me. And it was just that. I wasn’t focused on the void, I was focused on the living I was doing despite the void and there was something beautiful about that realization I have never been able to put into words until I watched Dan’s show. God was not not healing me because I did not deserve it or because I was so helpless, for it was only when I was at my lowest that I let myself let go and speak freely outside the confines of asking for the same thing over and over again without changing my mindset. It was only through those open ended conversations that I found and was confronted with the events of my life, no matter how big or small. The void, my depression, my traumas, whatever I want to call them, they are always going to exist, they are a part of my and I can’t change anything about that. But my life, my 24 hours a day, that time will pass regardless of if I choose to dwell on the darkness or not, so might as well spend my time enjoying the light that clearly exists as well. So that is what I started to do.

It is a choice that I have to make each day when I wake up. To decide to be an active participant in my life rather than a passive bystander. But like all things, it’s an attitude that can be learned, adapted, and over time it did not feel like a chore to make that choice, but a pleasure. For once, I started to look forward to the future and excited for what I could do. I found a church where I could attend mass so I would stop sitting in my room and watching online, I started to push myself to make plans outside my comfort zone and learned to not just like my own company, but enjoy the silence of being alone. The one project I am particularly proud of is my second Instagram account dedicated to romanticizing my life. Everyday, for now nearly 2 1/2 years, I have posted a photo on that account of the places I’ve been, clothes I’ve worn, and experiences I have been on. It’s my own personal photo diary proving that I have been living and that I will be continuing to live.

Photos and daily reflection have been the cornerstone of my improvement which was why that segment of Dan’s show impacted me so greatly. Each small clip he shared was probably only a second or so long but each moment held such great joy and emotions that could not be contained. It was and will continue to be a reminder that there will always be moments of joy and moments of happiness that will exist even in the face of adversity, we just have to work to see them, and choose to accept them as our own. Some days can certainly be harder than others, but after years of feeling nothing but the heavy weight of despair, even just the memories of joy are enough to encourage me to move forward. I’m alive for a reason and I believe and trust in God’s plan for me, so I choose and, now, feel empowered to continue on.

Dan was right when he said that we are all doomed. And there is this void in my life that I have learned to embrace and not just ignore. But this life was not meant to be survived, but to be lived. And I, now, have the courage to choose to live everyday.

Thank you to @danielhowell for sharing a part of yourself with the world. For creating a show that encourages us to acknowledge every part of our lives, the good, the bad, the ugly, and to show the importance of embracing every aspect of our lives while we continue our journey. Thank you for encouraging me to share my story and my journey through mental health. I have never shared my story like this before and it has been an unbelievably cathartic experience and I feel renewed in my promise to continue to choose to live.

Thank you🖤

[thatfanficauthor107]

Shit that’s happened to me as Karasuno scenarios

you cant stop me

warning for heavy use of language (and brief biting?)

Tanaka and Noya: *hyperventilating* Takeda: *concerned* ..are you okay? Tanaka and Noya: I’m having a existential crisis. MY FINANCES AREN’T FINANCIALING— Daichi: *talking with Asahi* Suga: *creeps up behind Daichi and bites his shoulder* Daichi: CAN YOU STOP DOING THAT OH MY GOD — Noya: *staring off into space studiously* “…pomegranate.” — Yamaguchi: *with a fever* what if Rudolf the reindeer has a red nose because he’s really sunburnt. but its too cold in the north pole… *gAsP* THERES NO SUN BECAUSE HE ABSORBED IT ALL INTO HIS NOSE SO ITS REALLY COLD AND THATS WHY HIS NOSE GLOWS AND THE OTHER REINDEERS ALL HATED HIM BECAUSE THEY REALLY LIKE THE SUN Tsukishima: ….*slowly reaching for the thermometer* — *complete silence* Noya: *clears his throat super loudly and aggressively* Tanaka: I agree Noya: the room was just lackin’ it, y’know? — Daichi: Suga, Koushi, my darling, sweetheart, the love of my life. *looks dead into his eyes* shut the fuck up — Ukai: *staring at the Karasuno team after giving them all meatbuns after a practice game* welp, guess i’m a dad now Takeda: *nods* — Yamaguchi: I HAVE TOO MANY PROBLEMS — Tsukki: holy fucking shit i fucking hate her guts she can go fuck herself shes a bloody little pussy of a wanker i hope her fucking pathetic ass falls off a cliff Yamaguchi: ….oohhkay then — Noya: I NEED TO SHIT HURRY THE FUCK UP Tanaka: *through the door* SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME TAKE A DUMP IN PEACE JEEZ — Yamaguchi: Did you see his haircut? I think it looks really good! :) Tsukki: *squinting at the back of said guys head* he looks like an acorn