#and im so sad i never got to see it live
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redsodaz · 1 year ago
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okay guys confession time... i still kinda like be more chill
#i dont CARE how cringe it is#the characters are TEENAGERS it SHOULD BE CRINGE#i just rewatched it for the first time since like. 2017?#maybe its bc that show was the first time i was actually experiencing a fandom develop in real time?#like i had never been a fan of something since the BEGINNING until bmc and i was so excited to be an “og”#i remember someone from my school saw it live in london and i cried for hours because i was so jealous#THEY ONLY KNEW ABOUT THE SHOW BECAUSE OF ME#they did NOT deserve those tickets#i think bmc has almost always been shit on by the theatre community?#like in 2019 in those dumb tiktoks that were like “what ur fav musical says about you”#hamilton would always be the good one#and if bmc was on there it would be like “you are a LOSER you should DIE what is wrong with you lol”#which honestly is fair maybe they were right#BUT it doesnt stop me from still enjoying the show#and how it changed over the years#and how i was actually THERE TO SEE IT EVOLVE#i think thats the big thing for me#is that i was a fan of it since the first run started being talked about online?#and then when they announced the revival a few years ago i actually cried because i was convinced that it would never be brought back#and im so sad i never got to see it live#end my life material#anyways this fandom is DEAD dead but im still talking about it#just because i think rewatching it now im older and have a better understanding of#idk most things#i think when i rewatched it just now i noticed a lot of things that i DID notice when i was younger#but i didnt really appreciate until now#i think re-experiencing theatre you grew up with always comes with a strange feeling#like i 100% am embarrassed of who i was as a bmc fan BUT i also love that part of my life because i was so unapologetic about what i enjoye#and i was so HAPPY#so as absolutely debilitating the embarrassment from the memories i have from those years are
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starry-bi-sky · 1 month ago
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finally giving fem danyal her own au and fulfilling my 'danny is an animal whisperer' agenda at the same time: mother of monsters danyal 2.0
i say "2.0" because TECHNICALLY 'mother of monsters danyal' is an au I made back in June for Dark fem!Danyal (who I promptly named Layal). However, I haven't posted much for her yet, and I like the "mother of monsters" premise too much to leave it only to Layal. Plus Danyal in that au was going to become the mother of monsters anyway, just with significantly less world domination and mass extinction.
'Animal whisperer' Danny has been something I've been thinking about since my latest DP 'wolfpack au' post and it's! So fun to think about, and who no better to assign the idea to than Danyal Al Ghul? Who comes from a family infamously known for their love of animals and nature?
Fem Danyal is just purely self-indulgent. *gestures wildly at her* i just lomvb,,, her,,,, I've only really mentioned her in context of the 'Things in Threes' au/my first Danyal al Ghul au with the facial scar, but she's!!! I love her. She deserves her own au <33
So kill three birds with one stone! Make a post about it.
Anyways, Danny has a large lair. Similar to cult leader danyal, her lair is a giant mountain region resembling nanda parbat with a big temple/palace-like area built into the mountain. It's large, it's overflowing with natural flora, with its own mini-floating islands hovering over some areas, and it's also completely empty.
Danny takes one look at her lair upon first meeting, -- noting that it looked relatively smaller from the outside -- and promptly, with the elegance of an Al Ghul, goes "What the hell??" Because yes, while she does enjoy her own solitude and privacy, this is a bit ridiculous.
For heaven's sake, there's even a massive lake in there! What's she going to do with all this space? Can she make it any smaller? Why is it so big in the first place? This looks borderline like one of the mega-islands!
She finds out later that apparently, the amount of ectoplasm a ghost has can have an effect on the size of their lair. And since she has such a large core, her lair reflects that. Wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff, it's bigger on the inside so it doesn't take up "too much space" on the outside. Don't worry about it too much.
Danyal isn't totally opposed to having such a large lair, she's just... a bit baffled by it. It feels like so much wasted space is all. All this flora and no fauna to enjoy it with. It's practically eerie.
She decorates her temple-palace area, transforming rooms to match her needs as she sees fit. In the center of the inner gardens is a massive tree that she likes to climb, with twisting, winding branches. Sam and Tucker have honorary rooms, even if they can't safely leave the specter speeder for long periods of time, even with proper safety equipment. So does Jazz. Ali (Dani) has one too, but he can actually use that one, and Danny brought him to her lair so he could decorate it himself.
She has a personal garden, but for the most part she lets the flora exist as it is. Too much space to cultivate it en masse anyways.
Skip to a few weeks later, on her next visit to Clockwork. She developed a habit of going to see him semi-regularly just because. She enjoys his wisdom, and he has a lot of stories to tell, and when he's not being the cryptic and esoteric timekeeper, he's a bit goofy.
(pushing my dadwork agenda here,,, i think Danny deserves to go 'hey, Lord Clockwork, do you want me to buy you something' while she's at walmart, only to receive a singular glowing sticky note that says 'cucumber gatorade'.)
(She insists on referring to him with his proper titles even for the most mundane of things because it's proper, but Clockwork sees a future where she eventually calls him "Cee" and by all things in existence is he determined to get there. Anyways,,,)
On her next visit to Clockwork, just as she is about to leave, Clockwork stops her and goes; "Ah, I have something for you. Hold out your hands."
Danny does as such, and Clockwork doesn't give out things often, so her curiosity has spiked to the highest levels. He turns away from her for a moment, using his staff to summon whatever it is he needs, and when he turns around.
He drops a fish into her hands. Granted, a fish in a small glass tank. But a fish nonetheless. A small one, roughly about the size of her finger, with a blue-black, eel-shaped body and four sets of glowing eyes. She can see thin, almost translucent, but spiny fins down its back and the start of bioluminescent markings. It's swimming around in circles in its small container.
"Lord Clockwork." Danyal says all too calmly.
"Yes, Danyal?"
"What is this?"
"That is an adolescent leviathan, Danyal." She’s transfixed onto the tank, but she doesn’t need to see Clockwork’s face to hear the smile he’s stifling.
The myriad of emotions that runs through her all at once threatens to overwhelm her, and she can’t tell if the feelings are negative or positive. So she carefully closes her eyes to breathe in through her nose.
“Clockwork.”
“Ah, I see you’ve dropped formalities.”
She ignores that.
“Why have you given me an adolescent leviathan?”
She's expecting the trickster to look amused when she opens her eyes. Instead, he just looks endeared. "I know you're fond of animals," he says, "and you always look amazed when you come across an animal of the realms. So I thought you might enjoy taking care of the young beast, it's mother is dead so it has no one to care for it."
Oh.
"But, if you don't like it," Clockwork's hands reach out for the tank, "I can simply take it back--"
Danyal shifts the tank out from his reach and hugs it possessively. "I never said that. How do I care for it?"
And so clockwork gives her a list, and when Danyal returns to her lair, she sets up a large tank in her room for the leviathan to swim in -- it's much too small for the lake right now, she thinks. She'll feel better if it's somewhere she can find it. She names him Suhā.
Suhā grows quickly, and by the end of the mortal month she transforms one of the rooms into a large pond for him to swim around in. He's a very loyal beast, recognizing her as it's mother of some kind. Danyal takes great care ensuring that her beastie gets quality care, and Suhā swims to the surface to see her when he senses her in the room.
It spirals from there. Somehow, Pandora catches wind that Clockwork gave her a leviathan, and so the next time Danyal visits the Greater Athens, she gives her a baby chimera. It's eyes are still sealed shut, Danyal can't bring herself to say no. She names the little beastie Firas.
Frostbite hears about it too, and not to be outdone, gives her an animal she's never even heard of. Infinite-realms born, apparently. A fox-like creature with two small horns like an impala, four eyes, and tall legs. The name isn't something she's quite sure how to write down, and she's positive that her friends won't be able to comprehend it. She names her Eira.
Getting the three of them used to each other was... interesting. Suhā tried to eat Firas when Danyal first introduced the two, and they've hated each other ever since. Firas and Eira are seemingly getting along. Her island already feels full enough with the three of them on it.
Of course, that's not the end of it. With her luck, she begins stumbling across other monsters. Realms-borne or otherwise. An injured hydra in the Grecian islands that, through lots of trial and error, Danyal is able to rehabilitate and heal. It routinely comes to visit her afterwards.
A griffin with a broken wing that she moves permanently to the island that likes to keep to itself, but tends to come down when she's near. It gets along best with Firas.
A panther-like monster from the Shades Woods that had six legs and three tails, with ends that reminded her of a venus flytrap. It stuck around the heavy foliage and she can only make out where it was when she saw its golden eyes reflect.
She befriends a young indrik with its leg injured, and much like the hydra it follows her back to her island, and stays there in the mountains. It comes out when she's alone, much like her other beasts.
She receives two more leviathan -- one from clockwork, and one she finds herself while exploring the deeper and darker recesses of the Ghost Zone. It was huddled against the carcass of its mother, and she managed to befriend and get close enough to it to bring it back to her island. Suhā is fully grown by then, with a head bigger than Danyal herself and he still likes to stick her head out of the water for nuzzles when she's near.
He's not very happy with his new siblings, but he's not trying to eat them when she's not looking. So she calls it a win in her book.
And it's not just large beasts either; smaller animals begin popping up when she's not looking. Bird-like creatures and small mammals, and she swears she saw a doe (or something resembling a doe) grazing in the forest while she was walking by.
She takes back with her a lone snake egg once, and it grows so big it wraps around her island and sleeps with its massive head on the mountain beside the temple, like some smaller breed of Jörmungandr.
And on and on it goes. Some of the beasts she comes across never step foot onto her island, some of them follow her back, while others she has to carry back. Not all of the ones that follow her stay, and Danny rehabilitates the injured and releases them when they're fully healed.
It's hectic, and busy, and frankly she loves it. Some of her rehabilitated beasts return to visit her, or to have their children somewhere on the island, or whatever it is they need to do.
She becomes a bit infamous for it. She goes to visit Dorathea once, and as she's walking through the streets she can hear some of the denizens whispering while she walks past.
"Is that her?"
"Her highness' friend? Yes--"
"--that's the one--"
"--Mother of monsters--"
Danny's not sure how to feel about that.
Although, she can't say she's opposed.
Danyal Al Ghul, Mother of monsters, raiser of beasts. It has a nice ring to it.
#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc#dp x dc#dpxdc crossover#danyal al ghul au#dpxdc prompt#fem danny fenton#fem danyal al ghul#mother of monsters danny#if anyone wants to hear about Layal specifically I'd be HAPPY to tell you about her. she's inspired by the song 'scylla' from epic#you can't leave me with dark danny for too long i give him depth if i do. anyways i gave layal mommy issues. she has a complicated view on#danyal and both loves and hates her in equal measure. she killed her out of mercy. she's her mother her sister her other half.#she despises her. she misses her. she'll never see her again. she sees her every time she looks in the mirror. she's 24. she's 10 years old#can you tell that i made layal during a time where i was thinking about the 'dan is danny's kid' dpdc trope bc that's exactly what happened#*holds dad!clockwork up like potato.* 'i just think he's neat :)'#i am incapable of making things only cracky. i must make it meaningful in some way or another.#MMMM i have to cut it off here before it gets too looooNNGGG.#if this flops i'll be sad :((#i just think the idea that danyal has her own little world on her island is neat. she's got dragons and wyrms and serpents and giant wolves#and griffins and one time there's a sphinx although she doesn't stay permanently. Danyal has a blast answering her riddles though.#that panther is based off the dnd displacer beast. there's little salamanders and gazelles with three eyes. there's more sea monsters than#just suhā and the other two leviathans but i couldnt think of any. im obsessed with the sea serpents if you havent notice LMFAO.#there's pegasi and a manticore and a ton of infinite realms monsters that are just an assortment of animals slapped together#the shades woods are a mega-island idea that i had. they're where a bunch of the “shades ghosts” are from. Its this large forest area with#megaflora trees similar to the redwood forest with canopies so thick and wide that no light can reach the bottom. so all of the native faun#living there have adapted to live in the shadows. there are a few villages that live in tall tree houses like the ewok villages that outsid#ghosts can go visit. the panther that's from there is very fond of danyal honestly. anyways yEAH ANIMAL WHISPERER DANNY.#her beasties are all animals up until she's like. 19. where she promptly steals an infant minotaur from a Legends Islands near Pandora#he wasn't being treated well okay!!! she couldn't stand by and watch. his name is asterion. he's a year old. and she'll kill for him.#i dont have enough tags to talk about Damian or her family >:T. just know that i am leaning into her assassin bg as usual :)
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angelpuns · 6 months ago
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Every few days I think about saying fuck it and starting T but I NEED to be in my grandpa's will ya know what I mean?
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chaoticlandworlder · 4 months ago
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What is with the practically psychotic hate for Lance Stroll? I'm not even his fan- more indifferent- but the hate he gets is sickening. Like just see the recent 'Never have I ever' vid- so many top comments on youtube, instagram etc. are just spouting shit about him (attacking his looks, calling him window licker wtf etc.) based off the 'Never have I ever stood up someone question' (and of course they conveniently ignore all the other drivers that also said they have because it's trendy to hate on Stroll).
Of course, standing up someone sucks but first of all we have no context at all, and more importantly, it's clear the commenters don't actl give a shit about that because they're only hating on Stroll. This is literally just one instance of the way these F1 'fans' are so quick to seize any opportunity to put down Lance. Honestly, it's so off-putting, pathetic and sad.
#he's not even one of my faves but the hate in the f1 fanbase for this 25 year old is crazy#don't give me the 'his daddy bought the team!! he's so shitty!!'#he may not be the best driver but he's still a good driver#he got a podium in his rookie year for goodness sake#also one of the youngest polesitter#yes he was blessed with a rich family but god forbid a father loves his child and would do anything for him#he's usually good in the wet/mixed conditions too#but if you listened to ppl on social media you would think lance can't even walk in a straight line#im so done lol the f1 fanbase is so toxic#esp those on twitter/insta#honestly I doubt those type of 'fans' actl watch the races#they just do monkey see monkey do#and hate on a fucking mid-20s dude 💀#their lives must be incredibly sad to waste time spreading hate like that#lance stroll#f1 2024#honestly this isn't even about the never have I ever vid#it's more about the general and practically fervent hate ppl have for lance#which is so overboard#lance puts in the effort everyday but these ppl will have you believe he sits arnd throwing moneg everyday#this is the man who drove despite his hand injury last year for goodness' sake#the way some ppl talk about him will have you thinking he murdered their family#also he's just thr to drive??? idk why ppl go all up in arms to hate on everything he does from his looks to how he talks...#and in general the hate various drivers get is so weird#*money#<- too lazy to edit my tags lol
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butterflieswhisper · 5 months ago
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ratssss i love the rats,,,, rats in paris ,,,,,,, does it technically being new standalone story mean they all did in fact die of hypothermia. man :(
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themyscirah · 8 months ago
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Thinking about current continuity Vanessa and just getting pissed off again
Like one, LET HER REST oh my god dc you ruin her FUCKING life like an asshole only to bring her back as a villain after she finally got out oh my god-
But also like its just so bad. This is a whole other woman with her name like why are we doing this. Like first you kill her mom (JULIA NOOO) and erase her YEARS of history growing up around diana (the thing that actually made her villain turn [if you can call it that w the level of manipulation involved] interesting and fucking heartbreaking) for some shitty "oh I saved you we were friends" run of the mill whatever. Then to use that and say Nessie had a crush on her OWN SISTER (Diana, so like informally adopted, but still 😡) now????
And then they took away her curls and made her a redhead but not even the realistic kind. DC SHE DOESNT LOOK LIKE THAT
It just makes me so mad. Freaking guys. They could have used another name like oh my god. She's not even the first silver swan why the fuck would they do that if they're not going to explore her history w diana (which she no longer has!!!!) or how intensely fucked up everything got for her. What is even the fucking point of this then other to drag a main character of the ww supporting cast through the mud again for genuinely no reason. They could have easily had her be Valerie Beaudry (sorry Val) instead or just MADE UP ANOTHER NAME because it's obvious that no one actually cared about her as a character they just wanted the wondy villain back so like !!!!!!!!!! Why even bother
#her entire treatment just makes me so angry#like in general it makes me mad and sad and a million other emotions#but the fucking robinson version just makes me enraged. beyond pissed off. because theres no fucking reason for it its bullshit and its the#one in current continuity right now. so i get to see tom king ww panels put on my dash that have this stupid fake vanessa and its so#infuriating. like thats NOT her!!!!!!! oh my freaking god people#her hair is BROWN and CURLY and shes dianas BABY SISTER who she lived with for YEARS like she was a MAJOR supporting ww character for the#longest time. like shes got about 100 appearances (just checked) preboot this is not a minor character#so freaking frustrating#blah#ALSO. FUCKING ALSO. THE FACT THAT THE WHOLE CURRENT VANESSA TURNED EVIL BC SHE REALIZED SHE WASNT SPECIAL TO DIANA BS. FUCK YOU THERE LIKE#OH MY GODDDDD “isnt special to diana” im going to fucking kill you. what do you mean she doesnt care about her specially. thats her FUCKING#BABY SISTER. not to sound like vanessa herself a la silver swan but those clowns at dc would never say that shit about cassie oh my god#not special my FUCKING ass. nessie and her mom were literally the first people invited to themyscira in post coie continuity#like yes diana trevor and steve trevor and even baby julia kapetelis washing ashore but like the kapetelises (and you could even say just#nessie bc again her mom had been there before) were the FIRST ones invited there like you cannot say diana didnt care about them more than#the average joe dc i fucking despise you.#this girl has been through so much why is dc incapable of throwing her a bone ever. nessie i am so sorry they did that to you sweetie.#gonna tag it bc her tag deserves the traffic#vanessa kapatelis#just makes me so mad#doing all that to the normal teen girl character in a wonder woman comic is so fucked actually like dc comics i should not have to explain#that to you. what message do you think you are sending here be serious
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orcelito · 2 years ago
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Anytime I think about how much Vash loves to play with kids, I go a little bit insane
And then I think about how soft Wolfwood is towards kids & how protective he is of them. And I go even more insane.
These two really go so well together...
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vaguehotels · 8 months ago
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had the most braindead repetitive conversation/argument with my parents. buzz cuts are too masculine but if you dye a design on it it become effeminate which is bad because then you look weak and if youre weak then society falls apart (all societies ever that have fallen apart for any reason are actually because of feminine men) and we start sacrificing babies. and also all mental illness is invented because only 4 people had anxiety in the 90s and covid was made up so that we would all become gay and trans and then the government can control us better and be joe biden's little sex slaves. and also i need to keep my hair long because my father finds it attractive. what
#lolaa.txt#what do i even tag this with . my mother wouldn't let me leave and i kept asking for sources and she kept saying 'i'm your mother!!!'#'i wouldnt lie to you!'#okay. say that to someone maybe who doesnt know you lie to them all the time.#its tiring going around in circles with her.my father is better because at least he admits when he doesnt have a reason for feeling some wa#also what got me. she said 'do you own research if you want!! but im right!!!'#yeahh not seeing anything about anything you just said. i think you made that up.#i have a theory that my mother secretly hates herself because she believes all women are weak and must serve strong men#and my father has so so much trauma and anxiety that he cant be that strong man#so now she feels like shes betraying her very biology when she has to step up.#and also because i am stronger than her now and my hair is long and far far denser than hers and i have a younger face#that she feels that im wasting my precious femininity that she could be using. does that make sense.#shes so miserable trapped in her idea of what makes a man and a woman what they are. once you stop caring about what makes someone somethin#you dont have to worry about anyone else.#im queer because i dont really feel that connection to biological and social ideas of gender that my parents seem to#never really have#im not gonna theorize 'ohh shed be happier nonbinary' or stuff like that because it is up to you and you alone to define who you are#if you spend your whole life trying to fit a box for the sake of fitting the box#then when would you have any space for self discovery#youve invented personality traits to go along with your box. now you can never ever change or grow as a person. congrats#and you know what? one day she will die. and that will be the end of that.#and i will live and i will probably shave my head a thousand times. and come up with new names#and new ways to be a better person that makes me feel happy#and i will dress like a boy because its all made up anyways. who cares.#and if you care? that much about what im wearing or how i look?#then thats your problem and i wont be responsible to maintain your happiness.#SORRY RANT OVER.#im just so flabbergasted. what a sad life someone can lead poisoned by jealously and reactive rhetoric.#tw homophobia#tw transphobes
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graciebrams · 5 months ago
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🫧
#tw: vent#so my mother is basically mean to me like 99 % of the time and we literally argue every single day#and i have been trying my hardest to not pay any heed to what she tells me but recently she told me something that really#made me feel so incredibly hurt and stupid idek how to put thaf into words#i avoid sharing things with her because she makes me feel bad about even the tiniest most unnecessary thing i share with her#so basically i have this one friend who was staying away from home for uni and she lives near me so i always try to be there for her#becayse i know how lonely it gets for her and i always go everytime my friends need me and my mom hates that#she makes me feel like being nice to my friends and others is the dumbest thing on this planet and that im stupid#but if my sister does it she's an angel#i was just waiting for my friend to figure things out as she was moving back home after uni ended so we could go look at internships#toghether#and she went home and got a job and while im happy for her she didn't even mention anything about it which made me sad enough but when i#told my mother about it she made me feel worse she said that was not very nice what she did you did so much for her and i told her#that's alright i dont mind and she said that my friend used me for her benefit and that I'm stupid for being nice to people#because according to her every nice thing that ive done is stupid and nothing i have done is going to make her feel proud or is enough#she qould NEVER say this to my sisters EVER#aah fuck this became too long#im so sorry if anyone came across this#but yes my mother is literally my biggest enemy most times ngl#she makes me feel like i wish i was not alive#it hurts to see my friends have great relationship with their moms and sisters#:')
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princessmyriad · 26 days ago
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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pleasedontcareaboutme · 1 month ago
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i think i finally realized why ive been feeling so damn depressed lately again
sorry for writing this here. im really hurting actually. im not good. i feel a bit helpless too. idk who to talk to bc i dont want to burden anyons and i donf feel like anything could console me right now
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Like. fuck me man. thanks for saving me but. why the hell are you not here. i dont want to do this without you. i hate only being able to remember you. i was supposed to grow old with you, not without you.
And. honestly. even with all this bullshit i say here, all the endless times i spend trying to write down my feelings, abt you, about all the pain ive felt my life, it doesnt get better. not at all. and no words, no poetry takes it away and i truly feel like nobody will ever truly understand how suffocated i felt all my life.
and i want to change thanks to you but. i dont know. nothing's satisfying enough.
no matter what, i truly only feel great when im in that daydream like world you created.
and these past days ive been thinking a lot that. i really wouldnt mind dying right now. not at all. because at least i know what happiness feels like. and i want to stay in that state. probably, even in this life your music will bring me happiness, but i want to be trapped in it.
im tired of being so unseen, and even when im seen, im hurting. but i dont know whats hurting. i think im just really tired thats all.
and. ye. i feel brave tbh. i still havent posted my video to instagram, bc im not brave for that. i dont know. and i feel like a hypocrite bc everything is true that i wrote there but at the same time these are my thoughts currently
in a long while i looked up suicide methods again. i feel so hopeful, but im not really sure if really for the future. jm sorry this is probably alarming. i will probably not kill myself but. idk. im not sure actually. i dknt know what to say. i wasnt cut out for this wordly shit.i feel unlovable but even if im loved, i donf want to be. i dont want anything. just let me stsy in this quiet place snd just. disappear. i wouldnt want my family to hurt if i die but i wont know about it anyways. idk man. i feel strongly i could die calmly this time and thats nice. bc 6 years ago i was terrified, and hurt. but now im content and kind of ready idk man. its not a terrible feeling, its a "this is it, it was nice while it lasted" ig.
there are no clouds in my head actually. i truly dont feel like im thinking irrationally, i feel like this would just be like. the end goal i was looking for. to feel true love once. it was nice.
no goodbye yet bc idk how id kms even if i do. But ill tell u guys if i found something.
#you know it's funny#i still feel this way but the moment i wrote this#on tiktok one of my friends that was there for most of my times followed my secret tiktok account and#the friend that i lost last year checked my account and#i hope she fucking knows how much that means to me#because i always felt like she hstes me but i still deeply feel she cares abf me and silently looks out for me and i feel so sorry#bc in the past 4 days she has checked my account multiple times and idk man#i truly feel like she sees that im struggling i appreciate it a lot#but i could never tell her that because what if im wrong and also#i dont fit in that friendship anymore#but im still really greatful#for checking up on me even like this#*most of my life#noticed a typo#idk anyways i just really needed to scream this into the void. I didn't want to be so sad today. i just scrolled instagram to numb myself#all day. but i got off my phone it was terrible. idk. i feel im not sure i can get my shit together by monday#im sick of having to fall apart and build myself up every fucking day man. and each day i literally wake up telling myself affirmations#trying to convince myself that its oka#it will be okay at least when u are home at night. wait for that moment everyday but. im tired of waiting for night to be happy man.#i have 30 mins to either post that fuckin video and make a fool of myself bc i told myself i need to post it on the 19th. but idk man. Im#terrified it will only disappoint me. people will make fun of me. idk man. its not that funny is it. or is it? how pathetic i am for clingi#g to the only hope in my life like a fucking abandoned dog man. but what can i do. i dont want to depend on you so much. but then who shoul#i depend on? if i depend on myself im just gonna kill myself man.idk. my grief is getting worse day by day. i still practice guitar everyda#hoping that maybe you will come back or something will come back. maybe mywill to live will come back? maybe the Instrument will play a not#that I can depend on? i dont really know what im looking for thats the worst. living is uncomfortable and dark. even when im smiling with m#friends i feel lost.there's something i feel like they know and i dont. when they could name their favorite colors in kindergarten i alread#knew something was different abt me.its really isolating.not having a clue of who am i.i keep saying im finding myself more and more but tb#i still in a way like im always wearing a costume. i wonder how naked id have to be to find myself. sorry for word vomitting.it maybe helps#anyways acchan i miss you.this world feels really stale without you.i wish I could truly show how much I love you with my words or life but#i dont really think it makes a difference.my voice really doesnt matter that much in the end.maybe im too much
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vitiateoriginator · 3 months ago
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Didn't get the chance to post about it earlier but, today is Klaus' 11th birthday!!
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Happy birthday my evil angel!! Every year I get to have with you is so precious to me. You may be a smelly old man now, but you're my smelly old man. I love you always and forever 💕💋💝
#crazy cat klaus#it anazes me how much time has passed#sometimes I look at klaus and still that adorable 3 month old kitten we saw advertised in the newspaper#other times I can see how much he's matured#his belly fur is all white now. and the fur just above his nose is going gray#I'm so grateful to get to have him with me in his golden years#I've never gotten to keep a cat past the age of 5 before#because at the old apartment we weren't allowed to have cats. and somehow we always got caught with them#around the time they were 3-5 years old and we'd have to surrender them to a shelter#except that one time...my poor precious Peanut. I'll never forgive my family for leaving him in the woods#but Klaus and also Mummas are special cases#especially now that we're in a place where we can have cats and not get in trouble#I'm literally so happy to have him with me#Klaus has been with me since I was 15. a very dark time in my life. he's been with me thru pretty much everything#seeing him age is beautiful. but its also scary#I wish cats lived forever...I know every moment I get to have with him is precious#sometimes I think about the inevitable and it hurts so much to think about. like rn.#I don't wanna rhink about it on his birthday but its hard#he's 11. that's old for a cat. not super old but still#Im p sure Klaus could be considered my soul cat#he isn't the most super cuddly. he doesn't lay on anyone usually. but he shows his affection very well#he's almost always there when Im sad or sick. he's my best friend#I love him so much. and he knows it. and I know he loves me too#happy birthday baby#sam's rants about life
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starlooove · 3 months ago
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The Jackie lives au in my head
#listen i saw that scene where he literally rammed a man into a wall and haven’t been the same since#guys IK Jackie’s seen as like bumbling or whatever but if he survived I think he would’ve been a big player 😩#like in my mind#let’s ignore Johnny for now guys#Bc Uhm. I refuse to let Jackie die yet so I’m still doing Regina gigs so I still don’t know shit about Johnny so#let’s ignore all that#i think if Jackie had survived#well let’s start from the start#in MMMMYYYY mind#my v had prev affiliations w/ the voodoo boys which left him a proficient netrunner and hacker#this means my boy absolutely hacked delamain to get to a ripperdoc - not just any VIIICCCC#he obvi patches Jackie up and Uhm. let’s say v got coma Injured#to account for lost time bc I’m not creative#ooh or maybe v did die and the whole enneagram thing still happened it was just like. shortened#a few days on Vic’s table as opposed to a few weeks in the dump#idc point is v wakes up and Jack is like a biiig deal#not quite MAJOR leagues bc their faces are plastered everywhere#and ppl wanna lie low till that heat dies down#but like. jackie def killed the FUCK outta dex deshawn#and after mamá Welles grounded him he got to steppin#grieving his dear friend V and making him an honorary ofrenda till the asshole wakes up sad#Uhm actually. bring Johnny back so the story can progress idk Idgaf anymore#i think Jackie would take his own life a lot more seriously after this and be like. a lot less chill#he never wants to see that look on his mamis face again#interesting dynamic where it’s v trying to get Jackie to relax now 😩#will they ever strike a balance?#well no bc my v blows up arasaka tower#WAIT but if Jackie lives maybe he doesn’t idk…read a fix where they co-owned the afterlife and yeah!#idc#can u tell Im dreading continuing the story
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dragons-and-yellow-roses · 5 months ago
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Can I climb? No. Do I know climbing knots? No. Am I scared of heights? Yes. Did I volunteer to work at the climbing wall for half a week because the woman I like works there? Yes. Fuck.
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4arconinoma · 1 year ago
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By the way Trish was hoping the entire time to hear some sort of comfort from Bruno and felt upset by his cold and detached demeanor because he's the only person who served as some sort of familial figure and offered her any amount kindness or protection And he did want to say those things to her and when he finally DID offer words of comfort it wasn't ACTUALLY Trish and he only Thought it was Trish and she never got to hear him say those things to her and he has no idea he never got to tell her. Just so you know
#jjba#txt#When i was rewatching Vento Aureo and realized this it made my stomach drop#So you will have to know too#im so normal about this im so normal#Listen i hate mommy bruno characterization like i really really do but#Not only does this disprove it (He shows a cold demeanor to the gang members to try and avoid attachment and provide stability in times of#emotional desperation and not some sort of motherly figure like the fandom tries to say he is instead of a MAFIA GANG LEADER)#I also do think the one familial sort of attachment present is him and Trish. This is not the mom thing#Its just quite literally she has no one else to rely on. The elevator scene she was so scared of meeting a father who's intentions she does#t even know And Bruno is so young but he is the only adult figure she can rely on there. Perhaps its not parental but familial in other way#Either way hes the only person that can support her in that situation and shes frustrated that hes acting cold#But the thing is he has to act cold because he has to keep it together and i bet he didnt want her to become attached to him at first in th#t way PROBABLY mirroring his childhood as well he wanted to keep her away from this sort of lifestyle and not have her be associated with#him or the gang so that she could live a safe life#But i imagine he realized at some point that she has no one else BUT WHEN HE FINALLY TOLD 'HER' THINGS TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER#IT WASN'T HER HE THOUGHT IT WAS BUT IT WASN'T AND THEY'RE NOT GOING TO SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN#This connection never got to grow They don't know this about the other. He never got to say these things and she never got to either#im so sad Im so sad#So like i said this is the only familial thing I think Bruno has going on.#I see Bruno as more of a cool uncle or brother though. I cant see him as a parent. He is so young. Everyone forgets this#But either way he would be the only caretaker that she has. But they didnt get to have that chance#Its just heartbreaking#Im so sad#YOUVE HAD NOTHING BUT HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU. BUT YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO ENJOY A NEW LIFE. HEAD IN HANDS
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jikigo · 7 months ago
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you ever just see a post and just
. 😭
.⬅️🫀⬅️
#Worst emoji combo ever but it’s gon be such big depression hours down here so scroll if you want im on the brink of throwing up#don’t you just bloody love it how over the past 3 years you’ve only seen people the large total of…. 4 times!!! An average of seeing someon#outside of school 1.3 times per year!! What a bloody fantastic way to spend your teenage years!#Don’t you also just love it when people talk right to you about how they all went out together over the weekend and like did some stupid#shit like your average high schooler would do and you’re just like “oh. I went to my 1 and a half hour long dance class and got ignored the#entire time and when you did try to talk they just spoke over you” oh my fucking god I hate that place so much even the teacher fucking#ignores me once we were going in a circle and she was asking everyone what they got for Christmas and I was in the middle of the circle so#thought hey maybe someone will actually acknowledge my existence but she fucking ignored me and went to next person like why the fuck#And now I’m debating staying in that shithole bc I was invited to a gc for that class and I stupidly thought that someone might want me#There. I wasn’t even invited I secretly scanned the qr code to join over someone else’s shoulder#everyone else there is the best of bloody friends and I’m just there talking to one friend who I don’t even think is my friend#“Hey man I’m really fucking sad rn can I talk to you” “womp womp have you heard stupid fact no.3848594 about my ocs while I ignore you when#you talk about anything else about me” oh my god shut up literally no one else sane would see someone like that their closest friend rn#At least someone wants to talk to me#Like what is it that makes people not want to see my please just tell me I’ll change I’m amazing at changing my personality to fit others#promise me on that I’ve done it my entire life#Even just messaging me more than once every year and I’d consider you my best friend this is how bad I’m getting#What is so bloody bad about me that no one else likes I don’t care how badly you fucking word it just something#It shouldn’t be normal to wish death on people you call your mates bc you heard about them all going out together without you#Oh dear did the gc’s without me in it there’s one for every friend group I’ve ever been in why isn’t there one for the main group I’m in rn#Idfc anymore just tell me what I’m doing wrong I keep asking people if they want to go out or how far away they live from some place#And it’s always met with ignoring me talking over me or immediately changing the subject#Please if you’re someone I know irl what the fuck am I doing fucking wrong I can’t fucking do this anymore be as mean as you like#Why the fuck does no one ever want to be around me why do I hear so much about stuff others are doing together but never me#It shouldn’t be normal to prefer being in a toxic relationship than what I’m in rn#I fucking hate everything
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