#and im not saying we SHOULDNT talk about how it affects men but also

[ghostlyheart]

"The patriarchy sucks for everyone" is a phrase that irks me to no end when it's used to derail conversations about women. Like yes that's true I guess but the way it sucks for women is a lot more materially and physically violent. The suckiness is not equally distributed

[cruelsister-moved2]

tbhhh the op of this is kind of right dont get me wrong they went about it very poorly and very centred on their own view without considering the experiences of others so i completely understand where the criticism is coming from & also some of their reasoning is not great like i don’t believe ‘autistic people are EXTREMELY disconnected from the world around us’ or that not understanding NTs will turn you into a narcissist HOWEVER i do believe radicalisation and moral rigidity are for real things that affect autistic people disproportionately - not just alt-right, but any kind of extremism, religious fundamentalism, cults, etc. and also on a shallower level ive seen autistic ppl disproportionately swept up in like shipping discourse or whatever which does cause pretty serious negative impacts to their wellbeing (including like kids being groomed through it).  i think there are people who KNOW to take advantage of vulnerable autistic people in this way and we should all be looking out for it and learn how to protect the more vulnerable members of our community. like i dont know if theyre trying to claim autistic n/zis shouldnt be held accountable or whatever and if they are then obviously thats insane, but when u follow the trials and start to see how many like extremist attackers are autistic you cant just turn away from that. from my perspective like addressing the vulnerability of autistic people to certain types of radicalisation could save the lives of their victims sooo i dont think we should avoid doing it... and i get its difficult bc u dont want to look like ur saying autistic ppl are more likely to do xyz bad thing, its just that autistic people (esp white men/boys) are especially vulnerable to online radicalisation and thats a fact... like obviously the goal is to have people who could never be convinced to harm other human beings, but if you have a certain number of those people in the population and its specifically autistic men who are being radicalised to act on it, thats a specific problem?? its not about the individuals, being like ‘oh this mass murderer is autistic so we should all forgive him’, its like on a systemic level lets acknowledge that autistic people are disproportionately vulnerable to radicalisation so we can address that and prevent it in the future... i also think, like i’ve talked about before, that the way society handles autistic boys is insanely toxic in a way that FREQUENTLY produces young men who are a danger to the people around them - NOT inherently bc of autism but bc of a particularly toxic form of male socialisation which we can literally prevent (particularly by increased visibility autistic women & autistics of colour bc just our existence is so combative to harmful stereotypes abt autism) so i think its important to include the gender & race elements when talking abt this kind of radicalisation, but i also think as the other side of that coin autistic women are more vulnerable to cult programming and other forms of radicalisation where the victim is you rather than others & op omitting that is frustrating and undermines their point but i think its super important to talk abt. does that make sense like ugh its hard to figure out how to summarise what im getting at but ive literally been noticing disproportionate numbers of autistic ppl involved in extremism and its like ok so is the correct response just to ignore that or

[cassyapper]

loving you may mean losing you but i dont mind (jotakak playlist)

dont talk to me about the title of this thing im embarrassed enough

anyway but okay so!!!! very excited to share this!!!! this has been in the works since september but my picky ass finally found an adequate amount of songs so here it is!!!!!! my jotakak playlist (:

special thanks to my lovely and wonderful friend jade for helping me finish this this thing <3

track list nd why i picked the songs that i did under the break!

1. the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us! by sufjan stevens i chose this song because it’s all about internalized homophobia and being in love with your best friend as a kid which RLLY resonates w jotakak imo. esp cause in the song, stevens’ friend ends up leaving abruptly, leaving stevens to wonder about what couldve blossomed if they had stuck together and worked through the difficulties together, which JOTARO....THAT IS JOTARO-CORE esp cause kak also “leaves” (dies). so this song was a v obvious choice for me and in fact this song is what inspired me to create this playlist in the first place

2. we are beautiful, we are doomed by los campesinos! this song is abt being in love with someone but you both have ur issues so it’s kind of a mess. considering jotaro and kakyoin’s (to point it quite frankly) trauma and the fact that both of them do jack shit to try and cope with it healthily, this song DEFINITELY fits them. esp cause this song mentions physical fighting and the imagery that goes with it (”he got his teeth fixed/im gonna break them”, “i’ve got a fist on fire”, etc) and the entirety of the bridge/last verse rlly gives me these two’s vibes so! ya (:

3. love love love by of monsters and men this song is the singer feeling like shes completely unworthy of being loved by this important person in her life, particularly because she has NO idea how to show affection and love the (for lack of better word) “acceptable” way, or any way at all really. this REALLY has jotaro vibes cause he is one repressed motherfucker and as we see the entirety of his story, jotaro is full of love he loves so much it’s just he has no idea how to properly express it cause he’s scared essentially. but that didn’t stop people from loving him, in this case, that being kakyoin. hhhhHHh

4. ribs by lorde this song is about being scared of growing up but due to the lyrics being written the way they are, i kinda spin the interpretation of it to be the fear jotaro and kakyoin had on the crusade to egypt, as they were the youngest and didnt know if they’d make it back and everything is just incredibly overwhelming there is so much going on all the time those 50 days. i can do a full analysis on why but that would be kinda long LMAO. for now let’s leave it at they have a very Unique fear of growing up but it still fits with the lyrics. particularly the last bit of the song with the “youre the only friend i need” verses,,,makes me think of these two...

5. can i call you tonight? by dayglow i interpret this song to be about trying to figure out what, exactly, your feelings are for this very specific and important person in your life. since jotaro and kakyoin r both repressed and also suckers of internalized homophobia, i think they fit that theme very well. particularly with the whole “i feel like we’re close, but maybe we’re not actually? what are we?” theme going on in the lyrics, this whole song makes me think of jotaro and kakyoin figuring out their intense and sudden (cause again only 50 days but also, those 50 days had So Much going on) feelings for each other. also the “now i’m no longer alone” line in the chorus HHHHHHH that’s them

6. la la la love song by toshinobu kubota ft naomi campbell SO I KNOW THIS SONG IS KINDA JUST FLUFF but we need some light-hearted moments in this thing hjgg;. ALSO toshinobu kubota is canonically jotaro’s favorite musician so i wanted to reference that and this was my fav love song of his that i’ve found so far so (: also the “you are my shining star” line,,,heh

7. truce by twenty one pilots so this song is very soft. it’s about tending to wounds and taking a moment before continuing to push on. it makes me think abt jotaro and kakyoin taking care of each other on the journey (for example the lovers arc/n’doul fight). also the whole “stay alive, stay alive for me/you will die, but now your life is free/take pride in what is sure to die” makes me go fucking nuts that is. that fits these two to a T fuck

8. this side of paradise by coyote theory this song has big “two lonely people are in love with each other for the first time” vibes and OHHHHHHHHHH THAT’S JOTAKAK.... there are a lot of little lines that make me specifically think abt these two, such as “love so strong it makes me feel weak” (jotaro-core...), “if you’re lonely come be lonely with me”, “i’ll be yours if you’ll be mine” (wanting some security while ur in love for the first time is common but especially for these two i think it works spectacularly) but yea this song as a whole is just...ohhh them. theyre in lvoe HK;FNJFL

9. i saw you in a dream by the japanese house EVERY. SINGLE. LINE. OF THIS SONG IS POST-EGYPT JOTARO. EVERY SINGLE LINE. and the ghost the singer talks about seeing? they hadnt changed at all? they were such a pretty vision, a perfect hallucination? BRUH... just listen i could do a whole analysis on this song it all just fits jotaro mourning kakyoin throughout the years so so so so well it makes me feel nuts holy shit i just. literally every line. every line fits i am not joking. i cried when i first heard this song LMAO

10. video games by the young professionals SO LMAO obviously kakyoin’s epic gamer moves are being referenced but beyond that i interpret this song to just be the fun parts of being in love esp when ur young (backed up with the “kissing in the blue dark” and the “watching all our friends fall” lines). also the chorus just makes me want to cry cause just, happy jotakak moments PLEASE. “the world was built for two only worth living if somebody is loving you, and baby now you do” THEYRE NOT ALONE ANYMORE THEY FOUDN EACH OTHER IM GONAN WAILLLLLLL oh my god. im nuts theynkjNJKNJF also “i heard that you like the bad girls” please. these two shitty teenagers

11. ikanaide by sohta ft. yuki kaai this song is abt not wanting someone u love to leave u cause youll miss them obviously but also ur scared of how the time will change you and if it’ll make you unrecognizable eventually. big post-egypt jotaro vibes 😔 especially cause one part of the chorus translates to “i shouldnt cry, i shouldnt cry, but the truth is i want to say dont go” and im jus like OHHHHH NO IT’S JOTARO FINDING OUT KAKYOIN DIED jkfnNKJFNJDhkld

12. therefore you and me by eve ALRIGHT. god this song is one hell of a doozy. i interpret this song to mean being sincerely in love but youre in the wrong place/wrong time. considering the uh Whole Situation in part 3 there were definitely better times to fall in love for these two. jotaro and kakyoin try to be happy w the moments they do have (i think the second verse in particular adds to this sentiment what with the selfish ghosts part) but they want a better environment understandably so theyre also just kinda ignoring things until they can properly care for a relationship. but well...who knows if theyll live to make it to that better environment ):

13. mayonaka no door/stay with me by miki matsubara this song is a v sweet sentiment abt like “it’s not just heat of the moment!! i do care about u a lot!!” and asking the person u have feelings for to stick around. big kakyoin and jotaro vibes as it would be easy to call what they have a fling considering how relatively short of a timeframe they had but i genuinely think their relationship was deeper than just that and this song nicely reflects such. “jotaro and i will share a room cause we’re both students” fuckin head ass

14. a thousand years by sting oh sting.... so since sting is kakyoin’s favorite musician canonically i had to add one of his songs here as well but beyond just that i do think this song fits them!! it kinda gives me big “if not in this life, then the next” vibes which is a big uhhh thing for jotakak. they may be doomed to tragedy but the moments they have together make the tragedy worth enduring ironically i feel like this song is mostly from jotaro’s pov considering i dont think he ever completely got over kakyoin and this song def has that kinda sentiment but hey it fits them...

15. mr loverman by ricky montgomery SO FUNNY STORY i actually REALLY. REALLY didnt wanna add this song at first cause i felt it wouldve been...idk too cliche? i guess? and i was ALL kinds of picky when choosing songs for this playlist HOWEVER. eventually i relistened to it and read the lyrics while thinking specifically abt jotakak and it actually rlly does fit quite well KJDFN; another jotaro mourning song ): it’s not just the chorus tho the whole song fits jotaro immediately post-egypt but also i feel like some time around part 4 this sentiment would come back to him cause Yknow. Gays In Morioh and the mess of his family life back in america. it just aches for him cause while he’s happy josuke is happy he wishes he couldve had that for him and kakyoin too but yea jus ... them

16. you by petit biscuit an instrumental?? in a ship playlist?? yes that’s right much like mr loverman i was hesitant to put this song in cause it’s harder to justify since i dont rlly know much abt music (and not to b controversial but interpreting lyrics and interpreting music r two different things) however i really think the vibes of this song fit jotakak. it’s got a somber melody but the keys of the piano are high which im taking to mean “light in the dark” which. jotaro and kakyoin (along w the rest of the crusaders) were each other’s lights in the dark. also the ending samples a conference/lecture talking about space flight and like. star platinum. space symbolism. jotaro. yeah

17. saturn by sleeping at last MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. this song is all about losing someone very close and important to you, but reflecting on the good they brought into your life rather than the pain of losing them. this song also has HEAVY space imagery which stardust crusaders is absolutely chalk fucking full of so also it’s a very philosophical song and considering that jotaro and kakyoin are both Nerds and both got a nice view of the stars/space in the desert with each other, im sure they had conversations similar to the one highlighted in the song. i think it’s a good note to end the playlist on cause kakyoin is dead and jotaro is the survivor but it’s not a mourning song so much as jotaro taking the love he had for kakyoin and pushing forward with it allll th way into part 6

but yeah that’s the tracklist! i might add or take away a song or two but this is mostly it (: hope yall enjoy!

[qwertyfingers]

Hi, I'm curious, could you elaborate on what things people in SPN fandom produce that you wouldn't have been able to filter out as a teen? I'm not really sure what you're referring to. Problematic porn? Bad takes? Wanky fan activity?

okay uh CSA, incest, and suicide trigger warnings for my answer here lol

first off i dont. really think you actually need me to explain this to you and the way this is worded really feels like either an attempt to minimise some truly atrocious shit or like, imply that i think highly of myself which is not true? i'm full of bad takes bro. i don’t care what people are posting as long as it’s not harmful. but there’s a few layers to the issues i was referring to yesterday

1) while it’s gotten a LOT better over the years, the defense of john’s parenting still happens fairly frequently, and as a kid who related extremely deeply to dean’s specific brand of Menhol Eelness that kind of defense of abuse would have really messed with my headspace! it’s messed up in and off itself to defend people who harm their kids - even unintentionally! - but the way that it specifically affects children who are still being abused is the worst of it. every kid with CPTSD who’s ever had to see someone defend behaviours they recognise from their own abusive family as done out of or as excusable because they had a good reason remembers that shit for the rest of their LIFE

there are echoes of what happened to me in dean, both in the abuse and trauma itself and the way it affects him in the aftermath. to see those things minimised by fans can be really re-traumatising for people. i’m very glad that my exposure to it comes at the end of several long stints in hospital and several years of intensive therapy. i don’t know that 18yo me who attempted suicide on a near weekly basis and hallucinated my abusive step father in my house all the time could have coped with takes like ‘its okay because john was drunk and alcoholism isn’t his fault’ or ‘john wasn’t abusiv he was just grieiving’ or ‘john didn’t abuse dean, everything he did was reasonable for their lifestyle’ without becoming deeply unwell. 

2) we also all already know how much deeply fucked up incest content gets made and shared in spn circles. like, okay,  have made peace with the existence of incest shipping. i blacklist that shit and i move on. most of it is avoidable and i can kind of forget about it if i’m being careful. but some of spn fandom is on another level. people write and draw some shit that is like, actively triggering on the ‘call my therapist and beg to be sectioned’ level. i had to renew my lorazepam prescription for the first time since lockdown started lmao.  one of the fandom darling artists literally posted graphic dean/jack porn on their blog next to their really popular castiel art like. i’m not kidding when i say that would have made me hurt myself when i was younger

3) there are a LOT of really weird interactions btwn minors and adults in this fandom and while thats noit something that the corner of tumblr/discord i move through has any real problems with, i still see shit go down in other circles / servers, and the things i saw on the  periphery when i was younger tell me it used to be wayyyyyyyyyyyy worse. adults actively encouraging like 13yos to read/write porn, children being pressured into incest content, 30yo+ people having intensely sexual interactions with minors like. 

as someone who is generally of the belief that ‘minors n adults shouldnt interact online’ is the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard, supernatural fandom does sometimes make me think im wrong and wish i could set everyone under the age of 18 in a safe enclosure away from some of the insane people that go here like. 

in general i think that teens having adult friends in fandom is good becuase it allows an avenue for discussing legitimate issues you have and they can be really helpful to help rpotect young people! I literally owe my adult fandom friends from my own childhood for giving me the lagnuage to talk about the abuse i faced and they were the first people who ever made me feel like i had a way out of my situation. without older online friends i might never have found out that the reason i had no interest in sex was because of trauma, or figured out that the reason reading fic about women or trans men upset me so much was because i was projecting my trauma onto them, and with cis mens bodies i didnt have that issue. i owe all of those things to adults who in the modern day might be chastised for being friends with me because i was young, but i needed them! 

all this is to say that i think the breadth of inappropriate adult/minor interactions over the years have led to an environment where a generation of 20-somethings are now terrified of interacting with teenagers (for fear of becoming the adults who traumatised them), and a generation of teenagers who are largely terrified of talking to adults (for fear of being traumatised) and miss out on guiding hands that some of them really need. if the adults in your physical life harm you, and you cannot turn  to adults on the internet, what do you do? 

4) i’m so tired of people writing underage porn, bro. there are enough adults in this show, grow the fuck up

[hobgoblinorbit]

Khaki Wacky | Steve Rodgers

summary: on a mission to save bucky, natasha figures out you were steves first kiss. in the process, you spilled the beans to him how you were oh so khaki wacky for him

genre: fluff(?)

pairing: steve rodgers x reader

date: 5-26-20

word count: 1k-1.3k

warnings: kissing, self-doubt, 40's slang

You felt awkward. It really shouldnt be the time to feel awkward, since considering, you were currently running away from evil men who were after you, Steve and Natasha. But you just couldn't help it. After Natasha made the quick decision to make Steve and her act like they were a laughing couple, again, you walked quietly behind them, feeling very, very awkward.

It wasn't a surprise, really. You had been there with him in the 40's growing up together. And had been there when the plane crashed.  You weren't the type to be jealous when Steve was with someone, God no, but you certainly were the type to feel awkward. Feeling like a third wheel and feeling like he may or may not remember about your crush on him.

Before Steve had crashed the plane, you may or may not decided to express how you felt. Well more so showed him how you felt. Which ended up with kissing the poor, scared man as you both crashed to your doom.

You were so distracted that you didn't realize you were on an escalator now. You, behind Steve, and Natsha in front of him. Natasha noticed the boss man was on the opposite side of them going up, so she turned towards Steve quickly.

"Kiss me" She said. You choked on the water you somehow managed to get while Steve looked confused. Natasha glanced your way before going back to Steve. "Public displays of affection make people very uncomfortable"

Steve glanced over his shoulder to you but you werent looking. "Yes, they do" Natasha looked at you once more but with a mischievous look and grabbed Steve by the neck and kissed him. You avoided looking and put your attention somewhere else. You saw the boss man look at them but looking away just as fast.

Glad you weren't the only one uncomfortable with their kissing.

Natasha let go of his neck and turned back around. "You still uncomfortable?" She said with a smug smirk that neither of you caught. She walked down the rest of the way on the  escalator with you and Steve following behind.

"Not exactly the words I would use"

♡

You were in the backseat of a truck, with Steve as driver and Natasha in the passenger seat. They were bickering about how they got the truck. Steve telling her to take her feet off the dash causing you to chuckle. He was still the same old Steve.

It was quiet in the truck until Natasha got your attention. "Was that your first kiss since 1945?" She was looking at Steve, expecting an answer, and now you were too. You had feared and hoped that he somehow managed to remember that day on the plane.

Steve looked at you in the rear view mirror. Catching you stare at him had your face flush, mimicking the embarrassment on his face. Natasha followed Steve's gaze and looked back at you. "I knew it! You're the one that kissed him!" She exclaimed and pointed at you. She laughed as she saw Steve blushing more then ever now.

"We were on the plane and I decided to tell this fat head that I was khaki wacky for him since we were going under but he didnt believe me." You said frustrated with a huff and sat back, crossing your arms and legs. Natasha looked confused. It didn't hit you until you remembered she wasnt born in the 40's, obviously. So she didnt quite understand what you had said.

"Can you say it English?" You laughed and looked at Steve. You raised your eyebrow at him. "Care to translate for me, Stevie?"

The truck came to a stop in the front of the abandoned head quarters. Steve was the one to turn towards you now. "I didn't know you felt that way. Why didn't you ever tell me?"

Oh my gosh...

"You are one big idiot, Stevie." You told him. Natasha sat qiuetly watching the two of you. It felt like she was in the middle of a rom-com.

Steve looked confused. What did you mean by that? Besides the fact that you had just confessed your love for him, he was still confused. How could you like such a scrawny kid like him?

It was like you read his thoughts when you answered...or maybe he said it out loud, he didnt know. He was to busy trying to calm his heart from beating out of his chest.

"Stevie, I was there whenever you got beat up. I was there, defending you, when you told Bucky you wanted to go to the military." You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. Saying what you really wanted to say at the time when the plane was crashing now had felt like a weight lifting off your shoulders.

Steve went silent and if you weren't so focused on him you would have noticed Natasha stepping out of the car, leaving you two to talk.

Before he said anything you continued. "Stevie, I joined the military with you. Not because you think I thought you needed protection but because I cared for you. I wanted to be with you"

Steve contorted his body, somehow sitting backwards in the seat now. You wanted to laugh, seeing such a huge man trying to fit in the small space, but you were too caught up in your emotions. He reached down for your hand and grabbed it softly, rubbing his thumb over your knuckles.

This had brought you back down memory lane. Steve always held your hand so softly whenever you two were having deep conversations.

"You liked me even before the serum? Why..." he trailed off and looked down at your hand that was holding his. He cleared his throat before continuing, squeezing your hand. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Stevie, its kind of hard to change your mind once you're set on something. And besides, I thought I made it pretty obvious whenever you got stood up on dates. Or when ever I defended you, whether that'd be from Bucky or even those shit heads in alley ways. Or how I-"

Steve covered your mouth with his finger to stop your ranting. "Okay, okay. Maybe I am a bit of a fat head" He smiled, so bright that you thought you were going blind. "I like you too" He took your finger off your mouth, and quickly replaced it with his own. Steve lips were rough but gentle as he pulled you closer by your hand that he was holding. Warming your heart as he rubbed his thumb over your knuckles again. It would have lasted longer if there wasn't a tap on the trucks window.

You separated swiftly and looked at Natasha, who was now leaning on the truck door with her arms crossed. "C'mon lovebirds. We've got work to do" She laughed and closed the door, walking back to the head quarters.

Steve coughed awkwardly and blushed when he heard you laugh. He let go of your hand, twisting back and stepping out of the truck. You following behind him, your laughs turning into quiet giggles.

"Stop laughing, that was embarrassing" He nudged your side playfully but you only smiled and hugged your arms around his. "I'm just happy that you like me back" He looked down at you softly with a smile. You, pecking his cheek as you let go of his arm to catch up with Natasha.

"Me too" he whispered before jogging to catch up with you.

a/n: feels good to post again. im always lacking confidence. please feel free to request and give me constructive criticism so i can improve. also i actually suck at writing summarys

khaki wacky: boy crazy

fat head: idiot

admin chip~

[foxesareforbiddencats]

I work with this little old lady.

Let's just call her Rose because shes sweet. I love Rose. She's a little slower than most at work, and she tends to ask me questions instead of my manager, but overall shes cool. She speeds on the highway and does funny things.

Today we talked about some darker topics as we worked. She had said she needed some time off because her only son was having a mental health struggle and I asked if he was okay. She said hed lost three good friends to suicide within a short period of time and I told her about my friend who comitted in 8th grade and what resources I used to cope. Grief counseling mostly. But I struggled because my dad was an asshole about the whole thing. Didnt have any respect for her, refused to let me go to her funeral, told me people who self harmed were selfish and disgusting. It came out that I also self harmed in that argument and it didnt go well. She was horrified by his reaction. I sighed and explained that was just him. My dad was not understanding about my mental health, or my physical health. I'm sensitive to certain laundry soaps and the color dye blue, and when I eat some textures they make me throw up. I have borderline personality disorder, which includes depression and anxiety. I have displayed self harming behaviours since I was small. He constantly bullied me. He would say things like 'your stomach is bigger than your chest' in demeaning ways when I was in 7th grade and call me and my bio mom cows, called me lazy, selfish, etc. When I spent all my free time tutoring my sisters and raising the baby... We lived in an unhealthy relationship with his wife, my step mom, and he refused to acknowledge what I told him about it. Rose asked me how it affected me today and I told her. Im trying to get custody of my half sister as DHS is involved with them, I work four jobs so I cant be called lazy or told i dont get enough exercise. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I hear him criticizing me. I told her its permanent. What he said to me when I lived with him will stick with me for life.

Rose said she was sorry I had to deal with people like that, and asked if it affected me in other ways. I said yes. It added to my mistrust of men. And dont get me wrong. I like some guys. I like the sweet guys who recognize I have feelings and emotions and understand health needs. I like the guys who are goofballs and play video games and read and watch anime and like to hang out with me because I'm their friend. Not because they're attracted to me. I've had boyfriends. I have friends who are boys. But few.

On top of my dad, I've had an uncle make sexual advances towards me when I was small, watched other uncles manipulate their wives and children, buy their love, and reduce them to nothing so that when my aunts need out of the relationship, they have no confidence, no money, and feel like they have no help. I've had boys try to light me on fire, boys bully my and steal my things so I would get in trouble for losing them. Boys that said I wasnt smart enough pretty enough or just not enough. I just have a really hard time with men it seems.

Rose then asked if I had a boyfriend and I cautiously said no, I have a girlfriend. And god... the way her eyes lit up and the big grin she got on her face. I'm really scared to tell anyone about my sexuality, because I've had a lot of people tell me I have no business dating a girl. But she seemed so happy to hear that and I must've looked shocked. She said 'oh I'm just so proud of you. After all you've been through, I dont blame you one bit for being nervous. And if she makes you happy, if she makes you feel good, that's all that matters'. And the absolute relief and joy that I felt was uplifting. Rose is my favorite person in the world. She didnt tell me I was ridiculous for being scared of men. She didnt tell me I shouldnt be with girls. She just said hey, it's okay. As long as it makes you happy. She was more supportive than most of my family. I just think that proves that sometimes, you'll have people you love and care about in your life who hurt you and drag you down, but you dont need that. You will make new relationships with kind and inviting people, people who will make you feel valid, important, and loved.

Anyways. Sorry for the sad TMI at the beginning but I wanted to dedicate a post to Rose. Thanks Rose for being so amazing.

[yvvaine]

A Meta on Madness

Here’s the thing with Targaryen madness. Most weren’t just born raving mad.  They developed it. Some as early as childhood, others well into adulthood; sometimes even instigated by some event (like the Defiance of Duskendale which affected Aerys II Targaryen’s madness). Grand Maester Phycelle even commented how Aerys had been “a good man. such a charmer....” until he became obsessed with his dreams of “fire & blood”. 

It seems that that is the commonality. Fire & Blood. And also obsession. Most of the “madness” starts out as personality traits, like unchecked outbursts and impusliveness. Some form of violence (during said outbursts) develops shortly thereafter. Mixed in is usually a god-like self-image and some personal obsession / quest. Also paranoia. Delusions and hallucinations, for the most part, dont develop all that fast. Theyre “charming good men” with hot heads, and that slowly escelates, little by little until it begins to snowball. Again, some earlier than others. 

But obsession seems to be reaccuring throught all the circumstances. 

They fixate on something (Fire & Blood, religion, beliefs, etc) and take it too far, and the more they do, the more obsessed they become, the more the ‘madness’ seems to set in. 

King Baelor the Blessed was overzealously obsessed with religion and purity, to the point that he starved himself into an early grave because he believed that food is of this world, and the material world is sinful.

Prince Aerion Brightflame, son of King Maekar and nephew of the Prince Rhaegel. Aerion killed himself drinking wildfire, believing it would turn him into a dragon.

Visery’s ‘madness’ (mostly outbursts, paranoia, and cruelty), according to Daenerys at least, was linked/instigated to a somewhat traumatic event; the selling of their mother’s crown. My guess is that he was old enough to be traumatized by the events that sent them into exhile, put all his hopes and dreams into that crown, idolized it, and losing it was kind of the final push. 

Madness ≠ Certified Crazy Person

In fact I dont even really like the term madness, because it denotes that the Targaryen in question is 24/7 insane. And dont get me wrong, some def are. But in GRRM’s world their ‘madness’ is MUCH more subtle than that. Its pathology is almost like a disease. And people can live with the most terrible diseases for quite along while and work around it/not have it effect them. As a Certified Sick Person myself, I know that particular lesson more than quite a bit of people (thanks autoimmune system!) Id say. Look at diabetes! People can live with diabetes and not have to cut their foot off or die (like the olden days) with the right amount of lifestyle and personal choices. But untreated, without proper checks and balances, symptoms get worse, other manisfate on top of one another.  To say they have the “Targaryen madness” is not a black and white issue, because their “insanity” is not as simple as : “that persons obv crazy and that persons not!!” You cant equivicate mid-story/life Daenerys with late-in-life Aerys. Its a cultivation of symptoms over years. Theyre not at equal points in their life to one another; obv shes not blinded by “KILL THEM ALL” attitudes yet. 

Early-in Life Aerys (perhaps a better parallel to Daenerys’s timeline) was: 

“...while not being the most intelligent, nor the most diligent of princes [I wonder who that sounds like? Cough Mereen] he was described as having an undeniable charm. He was generous, handsome and resolute, although somewhat quick to anger. [SOUND LIKE ANYONE. A good heart? Beautiful? Determined and passionate? SOMEWHAT quick to anger?] He was also vain, proud, and changeable, traits that made him easy prey for lickspittles and flatterers.” 

The last part is more up for debate but Dany does think quite highly of herself and is VERY proud. Shes also reminded frequently of her amazing-ness, as well as her beauty, which would bloat anyones ego. And while she realizes the difference between blatant kiss asses (“People used to tell that kind of thing to my brother”) she also prefers those that agree with her or her line of thinking and suck up to her. Shes kinder to those that fall into step and bestows greater favor on them in that moment (even when the person in the room disagreeing is a “friend”). 

“As he grew older, Aerys became increasingly jealous, suspicious and cruel, prone to furious outbursts.”

I think a lot of readers and show viewers see this increasingly “bratty” quality to her character. Even when her anger (toward the slave masters for instance) is morally and technically VERY justified (Personally I hate this POV, as I’m someone whos decided to dedicate my lifeswork to human rights law, so decidely I am not for cruel racist individuals. Moreover, I dont think many people, if there is any at all, who believe in dark!(or just a generally darker)dany are racist and pro-slavery - which is something i see stans misguidedly clapback with often in the face of criticism) her “justice” becomes all she see’s to disastrous consequences, including crucifying those that shouldnt have been.

“My father spoke out against crucifying those children. He decried it as a criminal act but was overruled. Is it justice to answer one crime with another?” - Hizdahr zo Loraq, S04E06 “The Laws of Gods and Men” on Daenerys crucifying his father because of the status he was born into.

She also seems to be developing more and more paranoia. “Betray me and I’ll burn you alive.” (obv betrayal should be punished WHEN IT HAPPENS, but like, shes already imagining scenrarios and felt the need to say something, ie paranoid). The entire beach tantrum and her turning against her ally and HAND Tyrion because she was upset at their(shared) battle failures. And while its great that she doesnt want to be the Queen of Ashes, in her right mind, in moments of anger and fustration she constantly has to be talked down from burning cities. So increasingly more worrisome. 

Shes also increasingly fixated on ‘the iron throne’. As her obsession grows....

Sorta like: Aerys in his youth. 

So while duh, shes not batshit insane like her father was right before the end of his life, people forget, her father wasnt “bad” or “mad” till his later years either. Comparing the two (her father right before he was killed and Dany now) is like comparing a seed to a flower. Same material and DNA. Same circumstances / needs the same to grow (unchecked symptoms like their anger and obsessions). But ultimately different stages in their lives, and as such different consequences and attributes. 

GA (and Stans)‘s Short-sidedness

The “Mad Dany” theory mostly comes from people woh dont neccisarily see dany as stark raving mad like Aerys Burn Them All Targaryen (i know, shocking) but rather see this similarity (past face value cough cough), and see the parrallels between young Aerys the Charming Good But Slghty Tantrum-y Tararyen with Dany now, and made educated forecasts in what that means for future-Dany based on her current arch. The same Dany who is increasingly obsessed with conquering an entire ass continent that shes held up as a symbol and put all her hopes and dreams of ‘home’ into (kinda like the way Viserys did with their mothers crown)  (also a continent that she knows nothing and hasnt bothered to learn anything about). She has no plans on creating a democracy or dispersing power to try to mitigate her faults because shes completely fucking blind to them. She plans on sitting on that uncomfortable ass stupid metal throne and being uncompromising because shes not a Politician shes a QWEEN  #fuckcompromise #fuckdiplomacy #fuckpeace #bendtheknee #ammiright :))))) Meanwhile dancing on really thin ice that could any minute crack under her, and the more it cracks the faster it makes new ones until it snowballs quickly out of hand and suddenly it snaps and kills you. Only shes queen in this scenario with two resusable nukes at her disposal so in this case its not just her but the entire country that drowns.

 Politics is a long game. We - in the real world - choose a leader who is not just best for us in the now, but who will create a better future for our children, and their children, and so on. 

Dany is not a good, stable bet. I originally meant to do a short sassy one liner about this but then I got on a soapbox and started getting all philisophical and now this could literally be my senior thesis its that long. (My apologies!) Im also know where near finished with this so this could maybe be Part One? 

[the-little-red-noodle]

10/11/18 7:47

okay, lets talk. 

Ive had an emotional 24 hours. I’ve been anxious, i’ve been insecure, i’ve been angry and sad and hurt and manic and crazy and i need to get it out so i can fucking cleanse and move into my weekend.

It started with spencer, what like, 2 nights ago now? i dont remember when it was, but i was getting insecure and noticing how i was affecting him. it was yesterday, cuz it was wednesday. i was insecure and didnt want him to leave my room and i think i really stressed him out because i just wanted him to stay and say the things i wanted to hear, but that isnt reality. he cant read my mind, he cant know what i need to hear, thats why i need to communicate and not just suck into myself and away from him, but i didnt want to do that because i didnt want to be crazy, but then i got crazy and i made him kinda late because he dropped by at 3:30 and only expected to stay till 4 but he left at 6:27 as i needed to go to my 6:30 lab.. so i feel bad but i just agh i couldnt let him leave when i didnt feel good..

i didnt feel good because we talked about politics. he got me going on the wage gap, so i got heated talking about the misconceptions and he was (respectfully) arguing with me because he is suuupperrrr super liberal, very very left, very socialist, and he’s a politics major, so he’s well versed and i get that going in, but i also wanted to share my side because im fairly moderate; i dont believe in a lot of feminist rhetoric, or the wage gap stuff. i read the study, and it bothers me that people misuse the statistics to say that women get paid less for the same job, because that is NOT what the study found. The point was that women take different kinds of jobs than men and tend to work less hours and have less education and qualifications. THAT is the ‘feminist’ issue, not paying women less for the same job because thats illegal and cant happen. 

Heres the thing. I know there are sexist issues in our society. i know that it is harder for women than it is for men. but frankly, i feel better ignoring it as much as i can. i feel like if we keep telling women than they shouldnt be scientists because its a man job, or that society tells women that they need a leg up, because then we start believing it and internalizing and thinking we are less than men. i feel like if we just stopped talking about it, i wouldnt know that there was a gender discrepancy and id feel totally normal getting into stem. i dont want to feel like im some anomaly. and frankly yes, i notice sometimes. i notice the gender divide in stem. of fucking course i see it. i know that there are men in my neuroscience lab who think i dont know shit. im not blind, i know the STEM field is misogynistic. i know it is. but i dont like to subscribe to the feminist thing that im so held down and its because im a woman. but thats just me

anyway, my babe is very liberal and he was listening of course but also making sure i knew that the problems im ignoring are still there, which i appreciate but i also get kinda irritated with hyper liberal men because it sounds kinda guilty? like listening to a straight white man say that straight white men are the problem, annoys me. like yes thats true, but also ugh its annoying. i hate the men shame that feminism encourages.

so we kinda went back and forth for a while, which like, good that we can have real conversations, and politics is something that will inevitably come up, but as the conversation went on, i started getting insecure and anxious because confrontation scares me. not that he was really even confronting me? like spencer is such a sweet man, he’s gentle and kind and supportive and so sweet to me, and i know politics is literally his thing, and im glad that he’s super liberal as opposed to the other end. cuz like ya i am a queer woman and im glad that he seems like a strong advocate for minority groups like that, so like im glad, but i also started to feel like he was frustrated with me for like being ill informed.

 heres the thang tho, im not really ill informed. ive done my research, i watch the news, and im a big fan of shoe0nhead which admittedly is very moderate bias media, but its content i agree with. and i was telling him that im fairly moderate, and he was like ya i can tell, and i was like and politics isnt really my thing, and he was like ya i can tell. but i didnt mean that like i didnt understand politics, i meant it as like i try not to really get into the conversation (partially because of sarah lawrence)

no wait i did tell him that. i told him how involved i was in social justice stuff in new york, that i literally led the anti Trump protest in NYC after he was elected. and when i told him that, he got all dreamy eyed like it was so attractive that his girlfriend was an activist, which is cute n whatever, cuz everything he does is cute..

the point is, that after this conversation i was insecure because i felt like he would be mad at me (he wasn’t) or that he would hate me (he doesn’t). and i know that logically of course, but still... ugh idk, the conversation just got me riled up and then he had to leave town for the whole weekend and i was feeling like we wouldnt have enough time to resolve it

but he kept saying everything was fine, that he wasn’t mad, that he might disagree, but still loves me duh. and i know he meant it, but u know when you get in your head and youre like shit i said too much, and now he will never look at me the same because we slightly disagree about politics, like my moms dating a republican and they reallllyyy disagree on politics, like i will be fine! whats yer issue self?

but ya so i just felt insecure, and i know he was trying to comfort me even tho i didnt let on thaaat much that i was hurting. i feel like when people i love get confrontational with me (which again, he wasn’t) i get upset and my heart feels heavy and it hurts and i want them to leave and i would have just ended our hangout because we both had places to be and whatever we’ll deal with it later, but i knew he was leaving tonight and was gunna be busy and we couldnt deal with it so i was scared and when my attachment feels insecure, i get SO insecure. hahahaaaa i was thinking this relationship would be any different? gurl.

but heres the thing, he is.. he’s fine. he doesnt think anything is wrong and he’s still my sweet pea boyfriend. and i know that now, because i did get to say goodbye in a good re-establishing way tonight.

i knew he was leaving after his class at 6:30 tonight and i was nervous because i knew he was gunna be busy with packing up and everything.

i ran into him walking to class and we were fine and kissy and cute and i love him but as we were parting i was like can i say goodbye before you leave, but i dont think he heard me cuz he didnt really respond because we were diverging and he was giving me his sweet boy eyes with an outstretched arm as we parted and i was like shit im still insecurrrreeee

so i texted him during the first class like “hey i meant cant i say goodbye before you hit the road but sounds like yer gunna be busy so have a great weekend baby i love you!” and i meant it, i wanted to end on a good note but then he didnt respond all day, and my anxiety was mounting and i spent the rest of today in my room doing nothing but stressing about him. stressing about a boy, nothing new for me.

but eventually i got really tired and took a real nap, i had accepted that i wouldnt see him again.. sad.. i woke up at like 7:15 and i was like hmm let me see if his car is still here, ya know, cuz im crazy. i went downstairs to fill up my water bottle and his car was still in the parking lot. so ya know, i text him, cuz im crazy. and i was like drive safe babe <3 and then as i got back to my room there he was outside my door with bags in his arm to pack up his car and i was so effing relieved to see him. we hugged and kissed and he seemed genuinely happy to see me and i was so happy to get to have a moment with him before he left.

i walked him down to his car, and filled up his water bottle for him and once everything was in his car, he just kissed me.. and i know im a hopeless romantic, but i was so happy to just kiss him and feel his lips smiling and feel his arms around me and hear him giggle and be adorable.. 

my heart still hurts, but it’s different now. my heart hurts because I miss him. i already miss him even though he only just left. he’ll be gone until monday night and i might not even see him then because he’ll be exhausted, which is fair. but now im sad because ill just miss him. i know he’ll be camping and among friends and nerding out on his larping camp vacation is fresno. of course ill miss him.. because i love him..

as we were kissing by his car i was like be safe (cuz his larping thing is basically nerd war with foam weapons) and he was like “yeah i will, cant wait to see you when i get back”, and i was like yeah babe ill be here to patch you back together when you get back, and he kinda laughed at me and was like “i dont think that’ll be your intention when i get back” implying that ill probably just want to rough him up immediately when i see him like i usually do. which made me really really happy to hear cuz it was like acknowleding that everythings still good and we’re still crazy about each other and we’ll just want to fuck as soon as he’s home which is sweet to me, like to me thats such a sweet sentiment. and i just got so happy that he in his own way reminded me that like we’re still on a good track, and we’re still happy, and he still loves me, ya know?

and also as we were hugging and kissing i started scratching his back how he likes and he sorta moaned and was like “ugh im really gunna miss this.. like im gunna miss you of course, but im gunna miss your back scratches” and that made me happy.. 

he just makes me happy.. i really love him and i’m really grateful that i got to have this brief reconnection with him before he left town till monday.. 4 days without him is gunna suck, but i know he’s gunna be busy and probably not have service and be off the grid so we won’t talk unless he reaches out. but i will manage. he managed for 4 days while i was camping, so i can manage while he is nerd camping

omigod that reminds me how much i love him, again. he’s nerd camping. ugh i adore him

he was like babe you gotta come next time so we can get drunk and fight together and he was all smiley like he really wants to show me off at his nerd event which is so sweet.. and as he walked me back to the dorm entrance cuz i forgot my key, he called me his girlfriend, and even though its small, its something.. i’ll take it. 

i needed that brief little reconnection. the next 4 days i will have to detox. i have events planned like every day, so i’ll be fine. im gunna see my friends tomorrow and saturday night and i have chapter on sunday and should probably spend some time alone writing and detoxing and getting back to myself and feeling independent. 

i want time to shower and braid my hair and brush my teeth and feed my body good food and watch youtube and write. i need to stay writing. i need to keep journaling because i know how much it helps me. i need to get my emotions out and analyze why the things that upset me get to me. whats the root of the problem and how to get through it. i need that.

i was and still am so frustrated with myself that i got so insecure over one political conversation with spencer. like... thats a problem, ya know? 

and at least now that he’s out of town for the whole weekend, i dont really have an excuse for being anxious about seeing him? cuz he just drops by and i never know when cuz he doesnt text me first. like literally tonight as we were kissing outside my room he was like i came by earlier but you werent home, and i was like oh shit i was taking a nap and i slept through him coming to visit me :(( which is like oh my god that would have been so sad if i didnt get to see him on his way out because i was literally asleep! 

his dropping by, while its the cutest ever because it just like him wanting to see me, its also kind of stressful because i never know when its gunna happen, so whenever im home, im kind of anxious because he could drop in at any second, and of course i get happy when he does because then i get to see my baby, but alsoooooo it means i cant really indulge in my personal space because it could be interupted at any moment, and as i found out tonight, i cant take naps because then i could miss him :(

thats probably something we should discuss at some point, because it creates anxiety for me that is related to spencer, and i want to eliminate any bad vibes from my relationship

relationship.. he’s my boyfriend.. ohmigod wuuuuuuut im still shocked that he wanted to boo me up this much.. he’s so sweet and cute and nerdy ugh

i love him.. i need to get over this dumb insecurity that comes from mild confrontation? that wasnt even confrontation??

so lets remember the things to look forward to about this relationship

he loves me. he claims me proudly as his girlfriend. he wants to bring me to belegarth events, even this day one in san diego where he’d bring me home and introduce me to his home friends which is pretty huge.. he’s sweet, he likes spending time with me and he drops by frequently and stays for hours.. we’re good, and i know i sound crazy needing to convince myself, but thats because i dont want to bug him to validate me, especially not when he has this big event that he’s so excited for. and i want him to be excited for his event and feel secure with me, because of course i love him and want to be with him.

10:53pm i keep taking breaks from the journaling, i get distracted really easy, watching youtube and texting people.. trying to be social, its hard for me. also trying to bury my spencer texts, just cuz i know im crazy and i want to try to not think about him..

do i go walk down to the cooler to get food? or should i just subside on whatevers in my fridge.. also i really should fill up my tank.. and calculate the gas so my friends can reimburse me.. sigh

anyway, i think im feeling mostly better after yesterday. like obviously im still gunna think about it, and ill always worry if spencers as invested as me, but i gotta take it with the context that he was the one who pursued me and crushed on me from day one and wanted to date me and wanted to be exclusive with me and wanted to call me his girlfriend.. he says he loves me and he comes to visit me all the time and spends his free time with me.. he’s a sweet pea and i shouldnt be insecure about it

and not to be cryptic, but what am i even worried about? part of me was reluctant to even get into a relationship, and was supposed to be single and focusing on myself and if anything, dating women. i accidentally caught feels for an amazingly sweet nerd man, and believe me im happy about it. i love spending time with spencer and loving on him. but to be cryptic for just a second.. worst case scenario? he’s just not interested anymore and we break up. sooo? ya that would suck, and i would be heartbroken, but i would also be okay because i have good friends and the whole point of breaking up with ryan was to be single.. so..

anyway, i should probably wrap up this journal entry cuz its long and all over the place

omigod he just texted me

aww he’s letting me know that he got to his thing safely and he loves me

seeee he’s a sweet bean, yall are fine, can you chill now? he’s so into you and you dont need to be insecure about this right now

and wow i sound crazy writing this much, i’ve literally been writing for hours. i know i need to journal more, and this is literally just stream of consciousness for hours and hours.. alright, ima end here and do hw maybe..

stay grateful. stay happy. life is good, you are blessed. friends are good. boyfriend is good. school is good for now kinda haha but i need to stay positive! yes i have bad days, yes i have low points, yes i get insecure and sad and upset and lonely. but i am so very lucky to be alive and to be surrounded by support and love and to feel and give love freely. i am lucky to have found friends i can trust. i am lucky to still have my close friends from beyond this year of oxy. i am beyond lucky to have an incredible man in my life. and also its halloween season which means lots of fun family stuff and so many fun parties on and off campus and looking forward to showing off my jessica rabbit costume and seeing spencers cowboy beebop costume and just drooling over each other ^-^ 

it is going to be a great rest of this month, and after this is november, which means thanksgiving and family stuff, and better fall weather hopefully and that means getting spencer to wear more sweaters.. mmmph and then after that is december which means holiday season, and more family stuff, and of course, finding a time to see spencer and be cozy and watch christmas movies and again, get him into more sweaters.. mmmmmmmph yes babe

there is so much to look forward to!! events and planning christmas presents for people omigod im gunna start that note on my phone, theres so much to do!! cuz i also have so many new great friends for this holiday season which means more presents for people which im always excited about :) and getting to watch my puppy grow up and see my family and take in the quality time together <3 

i am loved. i am blessed. i am grateful. i want to spread love and positive vibes and happiness and love! so much love :)

okay. that’s all for tonight. shower, brush teeth, go to sleep. take care of yourself. LOVE

[tiny-tragedies]

thinking about the ex today. it’s funny--i don’t normally think about her, or try not to. because it hurts, and i know i should be over it (am over it, mostly, even if the lingering impacts are what caused me to lose all my friends, my support network, so much more)

but today, i am thinking about the ex’s other ex gf. we’ll call her V.

V and the ex dated, and during this time I was in love with the ex, and all three of us were close. when i dated the ex, V and the ex were still dating (all poly, all known, not cheating or anything). I’ve kissed V, before. V’s comforted me. 

it’s been years since we talked probably. V doesn’t care for me, I am sure, and I can only imagine I am bad memories for her, if I am any memories.

i can’t stop thinking about her.

can’t stop thinking about how even though i kiss awfully apparently, V was polite when she said it: “interesting”. i think about those bad nights, where V came by, actually sat with me, didn’t get caught up in the People of things, treated me like *i* could be a person. i think about how she complimented my art, which is nameless and faceless, just colors and useless shit i try to use to get emotions out and fail to do. 

i think about how we almost kissed--for us, not for the ex like before. the ex had left the room, and V and i stood there, maybe a foot apart, tension between us. i am sure i read the room right, that V wanted to kiss me too. it couldn’t just be me feeling it. but neither of us did, because i’m a fucking scared pussy who can’t initiate anything and she, she was respectful, and also probably put off by me. 

there was tentative affection there— careful, like they were both worried about fucking things up and didn’t know exactly how to proceed.   [x]

i think about the time the ex and V had awkward piv while i lay in bed next to them, not secretive, fully aware i was there and awake and kinda of a participant in some strange way, and i wanted to participate but was too scared, too caught up

Jack knew all about how Jesse looked collared for Gabriel; how he sounded, the way he moved, the scenes they did together.  Jesse knew all the same things about Jack, and it hovered unspoken in the air between them, a tension neither of them could cut through. [x]

i think about the time V and i touched the ex together, me on one side of the bed, the ex between us, but it was all three of us sharing that moment. think about the time V and i first kissed, and the ex was focused only on her, oh that’s how she looks doing that.

“Keep going,” he said, voice raw.  Fragile in a way that made Jesse feel both powerful and terrified.

He hadn’t considered what this would be like for Gabriel.  Both the men he loved, learning the taste of one another. The touch, the scent, the sound.  [x]

i think about the time i cried on my floor, afraid to want to date the ex, because i loved her so, so much in a way i shouldn’t, i loved her so deeply and desperately and she didn’t love me quite as much back. but she said we could date. and V was fine with it. V was fine with the ex’s fiancee. and V was fine with me. even though she broke up with the ex later because the ex’s choice in another partner, because V “couldn’t do poly” when clearly it was just that person. because *i* was okay. i was just me.

He slept in there every night he spent on base.  He laid in Gabe’s bed, and talked back and forth with Jack on a holoscreen on a weekly basis, if not more often.  He wasn’t walking into a firing line.

It was just Gabriel and Jack.  [x]

and right now, i can’t stop thinking about how when V and the ex broke up, V and i talked (because i was the only one who Got it, who understood how the ex really was, not a monster, but a flawed person). and V said after winter break, when we got back, maybe we could be friends--talk, spend time together, develop our thing. it wasn’t explicit--we date--or anything like that. but there was an implication, that our growing connection could grow some more. again:

there was tentative affection there— careful, like they were both worried about fucking things up and didn’t know exactly how to proceed.   [x]

V came back from break, immediately started dating a mutual friend A, who i ended up hating and friend breaking up with. dated them and never looked back, until maybe this fall when V realized what a piece of shit that friend is too.

and the friend was good for V, i’m sure, better than i ever could have been. but god, it sometimes feels like something was stolen from me. no anger or bad vibes directed toward V--it’s all toward the universe. but it hurts, so much some days. any days, if i think about it.

i haven’t thought about it in so long. haven’t felt like it mattered. after all, the ex was the one who wrecked me, even without meaning to. who ruined parts of my life, helped me dismantle and destroy them. 

it’s been too many years. too long. too much. 

i would still give V the time of day, would still want to learn her, if it was ever allowed. (it will never be allowed).

i texted V last night, well, text snapchatted. not “you’re beautiful like a hibiscus flower”, send horribly spelled when drunk. not anger, not passing angry messages about A, not about her partner. not guilt, not about all the things i’ve done that ruined her life for a year. 

just, “Read a fanfic recently that viscerally took me back four years. Just wanted to say I hope you’re well, because you ended up on my mind. Hope that’s not too weird.”

she read it, no reply. not yet, probably not ever. it hurts deep in my chest. again:

there was tentative affection there— careful, like they were both worried about fucking things up and didn’t know exactly how to proceed.   [x]

god i just wish i could have been good enough.

[zandvoorts]

all right im done

@sloangreytrash

1) just reblog his post and add that in the tags lmfao its not that hard you dont need to make a whole separate post

2) if you’re going to say this at least don’t be making yourself like a hypocrite. i can’t believe i even have to say this, but you writing fanfictions isn’t helping. speculation of people’s sexualities don’t just pop out of thin air. they don’t just magically appear over night. there is always going to be someone or something that will lead people to believe a certain way.

and believe it or not, its fan fiction lmfao. do you know how many fics ive seen of people “thinking” that drivers are sleeping together because they wear a shirt that looks the same to someone else? the amount of fics ive seen of people over analyzing the interactions between two men?

you are apart of the problem and don’t realize it.

this is your ao3 account, is it not? you have written 459 works. thats impressive, not gonna lie. but 341 of those are about real people. real people. 341 fics of you fetishizing drivers, pairing them up with their friends, some of whom they consider family. forcing them into situations that we all are perfectly aware they’re not comfortable with.

you can’t have it both ways. you can’t sit here and say that you totally agree with people and that we shouldn’t speculate people’s sexualities then turn around and right 341 fics of them getting fucked by or fucking someone they are friends with, have to do their jobs with.

remember when jack aitken made a post on instagram saying that there could be a gay f1 driver and there probably is but they won’t come out bc of the current state of f1? remember how everyone suddenly started guessing who it could possibly be?

remember the fact that the f1 ao3 has over 4,000 entries?

its not just people “speculating” about drivers sexualities that are causing harm. its people writing over 4,000 fanfictions of straight people getting together. if i was a gay f1 driver, i wouldnt come out. because why would i want to be subjugated to more fanfiction of me fucking my coworkers? (and no, you writing about gay people screwing their boyfriends isn’t good either)

don’t talk about how you dont like people speculating about drivers sexualities when you’re apart of the problem. 

@bozplz

no. that shouldnt even be an option. no. do you not realize how gross that is, how you’re fetishizing real people? how you’re creating this caricature of people? real life people? people with families, friends. also, no. thats not how it works. you can say its “””about me””” all you want but in the end, you are not depicting you. you’re also depicting them. you’re slapping your features onto them and forcing them to be seen the way you want them to. i know its hard to believe but gasp real life people are affected by fanfiction written about them. jeandre is a prime example of this. you all may think they do it “for a laugh” and enjoy it but do you really not realize its a PR stunt? why wouldn’t a PR person want to capitalize on the gross fetishization on two of their drivers? especially when it brings them in more fans? more fans means more people watching fe and spreading it to other people. this is a benefit to them, at the sacrifice of their drivers. do you not think that jev or andre are grossed out if they read about them getting plowed up the ass by a friend, a coworker? you can’t sit here and say its “an expression about me” when the people you’re using are real. 

you want to create transformative works about yourself and your experiences? i dont know if you’ve heard about this funky thing, but its called fiction writing. you know, creating your own characters and storylines? i get it. its easier to project yourself onto characters.

but those characters shouldnt be real people.

its fine if you want to project yourself onto someone like eggsy from kingsman. he’s fake. he doesn’t have real emotions. he doesn’t have a real family. eggsy will not be harmed by what you write about him.

your excuse is lame. you just don’t want to have to spend the time and effort creating your own characters and trying to create a fanbase of your own through your fiction work. you just want to be easily reached by kids who don’t know any better yet. 

[mean-yoongii-blog]

give vjinseok more love

((((me talking about how underappreciated these three are at 4am, where grammar doesnt exist and spelling is dumb. this is entirely my opinion but im pretty sure almost everyone can agree)))) being an army is hard. like, it's really fucking hard. you get to wake up in the morning and cry over seven men who still get hyped over receiving pokemon stuffies as prizes. that life is hard and it's probably where the rock bottom is, but whatever. being an army is harder when there's inequality going on around the group, screentime wise, line distribution wise, etc. this issue existed since 21 b.c.e and im here to finally speak my fucking mind for it. so bts has seven members, right? jungkook, jimin, jhope, suga, jin, tae, and namjoon. anyway, we all know that jikook are the main and lead vocalists of the group so it's very predictable that they get a lot of attention considering it's unavoidable to give them screentime since, you know, they're technically 50% of whatever the hell we're on about, whether it's about a song's line distribution or an mv's screentime. now, obviously there are the three rappers who dominate everything, be it an mv or whatnot. i mean, jesus, joonie walks in with this hard presence and he's literally gonna start owning the video. thats it. so we get that jikook is well known and very appreciated, right? suga and joon are also automatically given attention becsuse these two are powerful when it comes to rap. now, let's just focus on hoseok, tae and jin. let's start with our angel hobi. now, hope is definitely not underrated. we all know that his stage presence is very powerful. he's never not involved. however, the reason why i didn't group him with his fellow rappers is because, let's be real, jhope is not a rapper. he is not a rapper. he is a person who raps. according to jackson wang—tnx jackson tnx got7 woohoo—there's a complete difference between these two and i think u got it already. jhope is not underappreciated, his skills are. first of all, he came into the idol world with dancing the only skill in hand. we all know that he's never an amateur. he's always been a pro at dancing however when you're in a group u cant just fucking dance. you need to use your lips too and hope here has no experience on that. if bighit made him debut as a part of the vocal line, it could've been better as we all know that hobi has always dreamt of becoming a singer even as a child and his high note on the thot ver of n.o is enough to say that he may not be as good as jungkook but he's gr8 at it too. howeverrrrrrr he's not put as a vocalist. he's placed in the fucking rap line. no, im not saying he's bad as a rapper because he's not (ehem outro wings ehem). but if u place yourself in his shoes back when he became a trainee for most likely dancing and rapping, thats hard shit. hobi has no experience in rapping. but guess what? he fucking killed it. he slays every rap he gets. he spits fire in every cypher there is and yall telling me that he's not good? hell no go home in conclusion, for the fuckers who keep disregarding jung hoseok's abilities, back up because golden hyung can sing, dance and rap and i s2g if you still sleep on him ill choke u next is v. kim taehyung kim **that introduction still kills me every time** now before anything else, tae is not underrated. he's very popular actually. he's popular to armys and to his fellow idols as well. i assume this is because he has gr8 looks and he's very friendly and what a precious child amirite so why did i group him here? becAUSE BIGHIT THATS WHY. now, bighit is not a bad company. in fact it's a great company, really considerate to their boys all. i mean the most we can say is that at least it's not sm bc you feel me? ye anyway, the funny thing is everyone thinks that v is in an ok position because he's pretty and everyone loves him. YES tae is beautiful and YES hes lovable but we need to realize that to be recognized for your looks is ridiculous when they do it while ignoring your talent. taehyung is well known already but people also need to know his skill too. this is almost the same as hobi's story. let's get back to the trainee days in which taehyung literally came from a middle class fam and signed up for bighit without having a clue on what he could do. remember that he was inexperienced when it came to dancing, singing, and obviously rapping (but let's let him live for a little). his pretty face has always been pretty, but u cant debut without offering anything else can you? however, as inexperienced as he was, taehyung has talent. he had potential that is now proven talent. so what i dont really understand is why they didnt give this child the position to be a lead vocalist or even a main vocalist, much more fair distributed lines. the old eras—the hardcore gang bad boy wannabes concept—actually stars v a lot—ehem war of hormone, spine breaker, boy in luv, danger ehem—because they used his hard and deep ass voice. but ever since run era came, bc i believe thats where bts dropped the hard look, he barely got lines. i understand that his voice is different compared to others as the other four vocalists—including jh now bc he finally debuted as a vocal—are tenor whereas v has baritone however they can actually use his deep ass voice in great use. like in let me know—tnx min yoongi for this amazing song—, hold me tight, spring day, house of cards, love is not over and more of their ballads, it's shown how talented kim taehyung is because of his capability. not to mention, stigma proved that his voice can reach great ranges too and that goddamn falsetto stjll gets me everytime i havent even started on how sharp his moves are but i think everyone has gotten over that little issue that he should be a part of the dance line so in conclusion, taehyung is a precious beagle who's very talented and amazing that needs to be more appreciated for what he can do rather than just for his face bc nO lastly, sockjin hahahaha now when i became an army he caught my eye a lot bc of fire and he has an astonishing face. jin is a very beautiful person and just like tae, he's almost friends with everyone however, if someone is underrated, jin is your guy. now lets give this guy some slacks because he came into this world without knowing what he can do, just like v. he came without having no experience in dancing nor singing. he has passion for acting apparently but we'll get to that l8r. anyway what he could only offer is how beautiful he looks. now, first of all. let's all be honest that jin is not the best singer in the group. however he's not bad either. in fact, when i watched their mr removed, he's more stable than jimin and v and to sing with that much stability is impressive enough. i assume that jin doesnt hold on to talent but his potential is so great it's so large and it can actually drive him further. jin is always appreciated for how strong he is as a visual but never for how stable and smooth his voice is and that is absolutely rubbish. remember that he's a person who entered this world without any experience and yet here he is, breaking records on billboards and shit, and you're still sleeping on him? the thing is, bts is popular enough but jin isnt, bts is known but jin isnt and as someone who stans every member, this hurts. bts isnt just rm or jungkook. i have nothing against those two, but i present u kim seokjin here. he's full of potential. he can shine so bright if only there's an actual opportunity waiting for him. the reason why he isnt appreciated is because the company doesnt really give him much chance to show what he can do. yes admittedly he's not the best singer there is but how can someone improve when they dont give him the opportunity to improve? i dont need to give an example on w/c song has barely jin because lbr almost every song has barely jin. in addition, jin is a visual and yet his screentime is so little. i know that i shouldnt give a shit on the visual thing but if this guy isnt recognized for his position in singing, why wont u recognize him as a visual either? i understand that there are a lot of mvs that actually show him a lot—bst, boy in luv, spring day—but do u think this is enough? do u think that this is fair to him? jin is a 25 year old man. he's not naive. although he laughs it off whenever he's being ridiculed, I'm sure that he somewhat feels sad sometimes because of this. understand that this man is not just here for entertainment. understand that we cant only appreciate him for his jokes and awkwardness, that he's not just here to make us happy through the stunts they pull to give comedy. understand that he's not just the mom of this group. understand that he's probably gone through so much training to improve himself and yet get so little in return. understand that there's more to kim seokjin than what meets the eye. jin is not bias nor my bias wrecker but i have this special affection for him that makes me want to protect him at all cost. for the last part, the acting thing. now, im very happy for v for debuting as an actor because he slayed being hansung in hwarang. i will never say that he doesnt deserve that because he does. hes amazing at acting and i hope he get more solo projects since the drama. meanwhile, i look forward to jin having his own drama. i dont think it's necessary for him to have one now but hopefully it happens soon. jin has great potential in acting and considering this is his former dream, im sure that theres still passion for it somehow. in conclusion there is more to jin that we haven't seen because of the lack of opportunity given to him and he deserves so much more recognition to whar he gets now. this doesnt mean that im bias to anyone, okay? i adore each seven members equally. i dont want to raise v and bring down jungkook or raise jin and bring down jimin. no. whatever jikook gets at this moment, they deserve every bit of it. all i want is for them to get equal love. ////end

[miniature-research]

Isobel Geologist

Hello

Hi there, is that Isobel

Yes, is that Lily?

Yes

I'm covered in cat food

What exactly do you want to know?

So I'm kind of doing a site based project, I've been going to Salisbury on Site visits, looking at the novichok event, but also Salisbury in its wider history and things. And I've been interested in the earth side of the event and what does the earth know of the event. I'm interested in finding out a more geological kind of perspective because I don't really know much about geology.

So the geology of Salisbury is quite simple, not very complicated really. It's a bit ... load of the upper levels of the chalk and into that you've got carved, you know all these river valleys ... and then during the ice age they got filled up with gravel, you know washed in when all the ice was melting and things like that, and because the sea level kept changing up and down, you get these river terraces, you got gravel, and you probably know about Salisbury cathedral being on a load of gravel and that's why its still standing. *laughs* so that's kind of the geology. So i mean, I've wrote a book, in 2000 actually, 19 years ago, haha, i don't know if you've seen that.

Whats the book called?

Its called hidden depths, you can get it on Amazon or probably still get it in the Library. Or I can just cut out a bit of the text that's relevant, and I've just been looking at it again this morning before you called me to remind me what I used to know. *laughs*

That sounds interesting yeah.

So I can do that for you, but im not sure... So during the ice age you had ancient man living by the rivers as you probably know as well and they found various bits and bobs in these valley gravels . So it has a long long history . and then you get to you know since the ice age you get things startin of with palaeolithic peopel and then you get the stone age bronze age and then the iron age and the romans , all that, and it just goes on, we're in a tiny fraction of that.

Yeah, cos in geology , um , cos obviousy there's been a lot of stuff about the Anthropocene at the moment...

Well I think thats a load of rubbish actually, thats my opinion

Really?

Yeah. Well its cos people cant kind of conceive, of the timescales involved. You know what i mean hundreds of millions of years and I realise that whats going on now is in a greater scheme of things.

Yeah such a tiny...

...Such a tiny blip.

And you can't really define these periods until afterwards. I mean that's what's so stupid about the Anthropocene I think. Until afterwards, i mean when we're all dead, when we're not here any more, then you can start looking at the consequences of it. But looking over 150 years of it or whatever it is they're on about , its so stupid. Um. so thats my view on the Anthropocene, I've no time for it. But people love to get on the latest bandwagon. And as it happens, Ive just - i've almost finished a book on cosmology, dont even ask why. Well its because my husband got it, its to do with climate change and this ... the problem is, you can't really see the wood through the trees with all the political angles. And the media, and politicians, they've had a hugely successful campaign over the last 10 or more years, convincing everybody that carbon dioxide is the main driver of climate change, and I'm sorry but that's simply not true.

What would you say it is?

It's um, cosmic rays. Because i've just read this book i can tell you this otherwise id have forgotten. *laughs*. Umm its called the chilling stars. It's really good actually ,I got it on amazon. Its by a man caled nigel calder who i think is now dead , he is one of the founding memebers of new scientist. and somebody called Svensmark who is a dane, nd he is a sort of cosmic ray expert if there is such a thing *laughs*. and hes dealing in hundreds of millions of years. And with the sun, you're probably too young for the monty python song, we're travelling around the planet which is revolving 2000 miles around the sun. And we are travelling through the milky way, the sun, the planets, everything. And he has managed to sort of link ice ages and hot times, cos you're probably aware that sometimes there's no ice at the poles at all to the number of cosmic rays. so the bottom line is the more cosmic rays the colder it gets. But I think that's really interesting. God knows how they do it but um, I think it kind of puts everything into perspective. but the general kind of aim is to link the geological variations in climate and stuff, to where we were in the planet ring at that time. He says carbon dioxide may have an effect, but it's tiny. I know they keep rabbiting on about there being too much but you're talking about a tiny tiny thing yet we've been bombarded by these particles through space all the time. And it can just come from teh sum but the sun he thinks is quite minor but these cosmic rays they come from exploding galaxies in the milky way. its mind boggling, but anyway i've been quite inspired by this book an dit just puts the whole thing into perspective.

Yeah thats interesting i hadnt heard that kind of angle on it before.

Yeah because you know its the media!

mm

You know all these ... the media they decide whtas news worthy. so basically they said what tey think you want to know.

Yeah well i guess in terms of salisbury the media has had a very negative impact

Its sad.. You wonder if these two men, we assume its those two in the pictures,  knew just how awful this stuff was tey were told by their bosses. Put on the door handle of this evil whats his name - skripal.

And then they just chucked it somewhere

And they just chucked it in a rubbish bin! I mean you'd think theyd at least bury it somewhere!

It had enough to affect two thousand people! It's crazy...

So - in geology is there ever any sense of prediction and the future or is it always based in the past?

If you can do any prediction, its to do with cycles, in the sun you probably know about these sunspot cycles. And there are loads of cycles. I cant-- oh dear. Um. I mean one is to do with the rotation of the earth on its axis - it wobbles, like a spinning top. Um, and thats called the malankovitch cycle. And that means that the earth gets warmer and colder depending on how it goes round the sun, because its like wobbling, i can't even remember now. all these cycles superimposed upon each other which affects our climate. We're just in a -- so you can predict according to where we are on these cycles, and this is all done by mathematicians, cosmologist, physicsts... But there are cycles, yes. But because we are dealing in hundreds of thousands of milions of years and things.. predicting the future,,... I mean you probably wont remember... but i remember in 1970...you probably weren't alive... in 1970 the media was going on about whether there was going to be the next ice age, is coming. this is partly why i'm so cynical, i mean i'm 70 years old, i remember this when everybody was fretting about the ice age, and now they're fretting about it getting hot. I mean if you ask me bring it on! I just don't like being cold. And i don't think , well we'll see, time will tell, but I'll probably be dead. but i dont believe any of it really. i think maybe we are getting half a degree hotter, but you've got to remember with computers. all this hype is based on computer models, and nothing has changed with that, if you dont put all the facts in you dont get all the stuff out. And its worth remembering that, and climate science is hugely complicated, and according to the people like this chilling stars book, they're just not putting the right - theyre not putting the right stuff in cos half of it is barely known. so youre basing all this hype on computer models, and weve only got climate records from the past 150 years which is like nothing! and so i could go on for ages about hte fact climate change is just like normal! and we shouldn't worry about it,. And we dont need to plant loads of geranium plants

Do you mean we shouldnt worry about it in the kind of grand scheme about the earth existing?

In the grand scheme of things, my view on this has always been, since it started, is that if it makes us more environmentally friendly that is good. so maybe you need al the hype maybe you need to make people change their ways. I mean we're awful, people on the whole. They just don't care. So - yes - while i might be cynical about the whole thing, if it does make people more, and i think it has, people are recycling stuff and people arent throwing plastic in the sea.

[blogdangerousobjectcollecto-blog]

Copeland Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67837

"Copeland Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67837

Copeland Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67837

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In our state we imposed rent controls 10 years ago to help the poor with more affordable housing, and apartments available for rent disappeared from the market for some mysterious reason. I spent 6 years on a waiting list and still my turn never came. To tell you the truth almost all vacancies are filled either through bribes or nepotism. One week ago our Governor imposed price controls on health care insurance premiums to help the poor with more affordable health care, and policies available for purchases disappeared from the market for some mysterious reason.""

Can you have Oklahoma auto insurance in Texas?

A friend of mine lives in Texas. Her dad just bought her an SUV and is going to pay the insurance. He lives in Oklahoma. Can her car have his insurance or does it have to be from Texas?

What CAR Should A First Driver GET ? Also What Company For The Insurance To Be The Cheapest ?

Passed My Driving Test 2 Days Ago ! I am 22 ! what car should i get that is cheap on insurance too ? Please give me the names and for the insurance companies :)) Thanku

How much more is it to insure two personal cars vs. one?

I am just one guy, I live by myself and nobody drives my car but me. I keep insurance on it but conditions may turn out that I will end up with a 2nd car. I would ultimately drive them both and have them insured but how much is it for one person to insure a 2nd car? Is it (premium of one car) X 2 or more like 1.5(P) I hope this wouldn't be too expensive and make it not worth it.""

Where can i get cheap insurance for a 1.8 16v VW coraddo im 17 years old?

Where can i get cheap insurance for a 1.8 16v VW coraddo im 17 years old?I have tried getting a qoute under my dads name who have about 20 years no claims but still coming up as 6000 and i have tell them about my 6 points for no insurance its 8000 HELP!!!!!

Where to Find Really Cheap Health Care Insurance?

I know a lot of sites that offer health insurance, but need to know really cheap health care insurance.Thank you in advance.""

Why do we still allow auto insurance providers (since it is a law we must get liability)?

to check our credit to give us the cost? This doesn't seem fair. What should our credit score have to do with the cost of liability?

How much is the average price of veneer on your teeth ( average price)?

Only done to the front two teeth.

How much would it cost for a 17 year old girl to get auto insurance?

How much would it cost for a 17 year old girl to get auto insurance?

Auto Insurance Is Prohibitively Expensive. What To Do?

I'm 23 years old. I rent a flat and have held a steady management job for 4 years. I don't drink or smoke. I am looking to purchase a 1993 Nissan Altima and I was looking for insurance. I was blown away when I got the quotes. Mind you, I live in Detroit and I understand that insurance is expensive, but this is ridiculous. Every quote I got was for at least $400 a month, liability only. Esurance was the most expensive at $582 a month. Allstate was the lowest at $396 a month. Any advice? I really need this car, but there is no way I can afford those insane rates.""

How long will it take for your auto insurance cost to go down?

How long will it take for your auto insurance cost to go down?

""How good would a 1.6 Renault Clio RXE for road tax ,insurance running costs be?""

How good would a 1.6 Renault Clio RXE for road tax ,insurance running costs be?""

Who are Insurance Suppliers?

I'm doing a sort of quick reference website and I'm lost on this topic: Who are considered Insurance Suppliers, apart from the Insurance Companies or Firms themselves..? Would appreciate so much any answers for this :)""

Car Insurance question?

So the other day as I was pulling out of the parking lot my car hit this non moving car next to me. The damage is not bad at all(a small dent with some scratches) and I am working with the other owner to get it fixed. I recently found out that they got an estimate from two places and both places are charging about 1000 dollars for their service. Do you think I would be better off paying for it from my pocket without informing my insurance place?(I am a broke college student). Should I get the car insurance involve? If I do get the insurance company involved will my rate go way up(cleaning driving record)? And how does car insurance company work(do they pay for all or partial)? What is my best option? Please Help!! Thank you so much for your time.

How much does it estimately cost for a car insurance?

Please don't give any stupid answers. All I want is to get an estimate because I have not got ANY ANY clue about it. You can just give a range like 100-200 pounds per [unit time]. Hint: I will get my car when I am 17 so roughly how much will it be annually/monthly? The most sensible and reliable answer gets 10 points for best answer.

""Im 21years old,male with a mazda miata 2001. My auto insurance to too high. where can I get cheaper insurance?""

Im 21years old,male with a mazda miata 2001. My auto insurance to too high. where can I get cheaper insurance?""

Copeland Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67837

Copeland Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67837

""Where do i get cheap car insurance after passing my test at 17yrs old, thanks?""

Where do i get cheap car insurance after passing my test at 17yrs old, thanks?""

What is the cheapest car and home insurance?

The car insurance would cover for 2 people, me and my mother. The home insurance would be for our apartment. She asked me to look this up for her and I have no idea where to start. A little guidance would be great? Thanks :]""

Cheap car insurance for 17 year old?

Hi, I have just passed my driving test and need to insure my car. When I had a provisional licence, my insurance was 550 a year, but now the cheapest I can find is 1850 a year now I have passed! The insurance company I was with only covers learners. Anyone know where I can get cheap insurance? I have tried all the comparison sites. Should my dad insure it and put me on as a driver? Thank you.""

Why do i need car insurnace?

give me 7 reasons why i need car insurance

Does full coverage auto insurance usually cover a large tree branch denting your car?

My husband just called from work to tell me our car has a huge dent in the passenger side. Sure enough, there is a large branch of tree in our drive way. Before I call the insurance I wondering if you know this answer to this so I can know what to expect. I am with State Farm and have full coverage.""

""What are some cheap first cars, and low insurance.?""

I have 3400, in my bank account and ive been searching for a used car. The most I'd like to spend is 3000, so i have some leftover to get me started on insurance and license plates..Any suggestions on a good first car to look for? Also whats a good Max Milage on a used car? Like 100k? or 150k? I have no clue.""

What is the cheapest auto insurance in NYC?

Currently paying way too much for my auto insurance with Geico.

Can my insurance company help?

My 125cc bike has seized?? the garage have told me there is no point in repairing it :(. I dont have a lot of money, and am trying to do my test would it be worth trying to fix it? Would the insurance company be able to help me? Would they be able to provide me with transport until i get a replacement? What engine size bike can i get if i pass my standard bike test?""

Car insurance for 17 year old?

So I'm 17 and looking for a car, I'm a football referee and could do with my own transport to get to games ect plus I'd love a car :P so can anybody suggest cars with cheap insurance for a 17 year old male, also is there any factors that would bring my insurance down ?? Thank you""

How long is a quarter period in insurance?

My insurance says: Family coverage: $2,213 per quarter So how long is that? 3 months or what?""

How much will my insurance go up with my speeding ticket?

First of all i know this question has been posted times before but i would like to use my information in this. I was going 29over the speed limit on a highway not near a school zone. This is my first ticket. The ticket costs $131. Would my insuance go up a lot? any? I appreciate any help. Thanks.

Obama just isn't trying to 'buy votes' by promising to give health insurance?

Obama just isn't trying to 'buy votes' by promising to give health insurance to those lazy non-working people that Hillary is trying to buy. Obama simply wants to make insurance affordable to those who are willing to work. Hillary wants to increase the national debt by giving those who refuse to work yet another reason not to work. what do you think?

Any ideas on how to get cheaper car insurance?

Any ideas on how to get cheaper car insurance?

Can i put my car under my dad's name to have cheaper insurance?

if do, why insurance company do that, they should have known that this second car is for customers' child""

What are some good websites that talk about insurance options for a single parent?

I'm working on a health project and I can't find any websites that give me insurance options for a single parent. Can anyone please give me any trusted sources?

On average how much more would the cost be for insurance for a house with a pool?

We are thinking about buying a home in So Cal that is a 4 +2 house on a 10,000 sq ft lot. The house has a pool though, and our concern would be what the cost of insurance would be. The pool is deep, and there is no diving board, and at the present time there is no fence. What do you all think? We have small children, so once we purchase the home, we will put a fence up, but we're just trying to guesstimate at this point. If anyone has any thoughts, by all means share them! I really appreciate any direction I can get with this. *I would rather not call 50 Insurance agencies to get quotes and have someone selling something I don't need yet!* Thanks a bunch.""

How do insurance companies determine fault?

I was in an accident. My insurance company told me I was 0% at fault and the other driver 100% at fault. The other insurance company said i was 50% at fault and the other driver was 50% at fault. what happens next? who suppose to agree with who?

(UK) What does group 5 mean for car insurance?

My boyfriend is looking for a new car, he found a nice rover something or other and he wants to know how much insurance will cost he searched on the internet and found the exact car he had viewed the day before and it said insurance group 5 can anyone shed some light on what this means Thank you Oh and does anyone know how big of a job it would be if the head gasket is blown? (the head gasket hasn't blown but rumours are rovers are prone to blown head gaskets and i was wondering how big of a job it would be to fix) Thanks""

Cheap auto insurance safe to have?

I'm going to buy auto insurance and the rates I'm getting are pretty low, $72.00 per month (Progressive) and $92.00 (Geico). But I picked the state's lowest minimum coverage that was available, and I was wondering if it's safe/okay to do that? Thanks :)""

What is car insurance rates?

I'm doing report, and i need to write bout 3 ways that how teenage car accidents rising affect us. One of my answer is car insurance rate would go up; &yet i don't know what that means. some one help?""

""I got a dui and i was told i need an sr-22, im already covered by geico insurance....?

ok im already covered but i want to know how much extra it will be a month having this sr-22 .. i know age a car varys ... im 19 but i do not know what car i would have yet but i juat want to know about how much so i can be prepared.

""No health insurance, new baby?""

I just had a baby born, and I lost my health insurance. We planned to put my baby and I on my husband's university plan, but he is not a full time student anymore, as he works to provide for us. It makes all of us without health insurance and we cannot afford to buy one for the three of us. We do not qualify for federal help either. My husband works for the company that does not offer health benefits. If he were to switch a job, then we would get benefits in 3 months. Are there any options for us?""

What is the best company for Maternity Health insurance?

I'm not looking to go on medicaid, I don't want to use taxpayers money if I can afford a reasonable individual health insurance plan. I am very early on in pregnancy and would like to know if anyone knows of a good plan with reasonable rates. I would appreciate it if you had details (plan names). We can afford a deductible of around $4000 or less.""

What is the best cheap car insurance for a 19 year old?

need cheap good car insurance

Why is my car insurance so high?

About me; I'm 18 years old, no past convictions / points on my license. Passed my test as well as Pass Plus a week or so back. Car I've got; 1994 1.2 Corsa LS (5 door) --- Most of my friends have similarly old / small cars and are paying between 500 - 900 insurance. I'm keeping the car on my drive, and yet the cheapest I can find any insurance is with Direct Line (1,600) Why is my insurance nearly 3 times as expensive as theirs? :(""

Copeland Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67837

Copeland Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67837

Hemi engine insurance?????

will the fact that i am considering a dodge ram 1500 with a hemi make a difference in the insurance cost if there wasnt a hemi engine under the hood, the truck is a 4wd dodge 1500 slt with the big engine, i am currently in a v6 4wd 2000 ford explorer, how much will the rates change???""

I need to how much car insurance will be ?

Im 19 years old an i live in topeka ks. im goin to be gettin a 1994 camaro i want to no how much the car insurance will be since it is a sports car

Home insurance wants to raise dwelling coverege?

I purchased a townhome in March of 2013 for $183k in Florida. It is in a 200-unit subdivision that just completed all construction and sold out all last remaining units a few months ago. When I signed up for home insurance, the insurance company set my dwelling coverage to $183k. I told them that it isn't accurate for them to base dwelling coverage on market price because the replacement cost must be lower since market price includes land and profits the builder makes. Long story short, they convinced me to stay at $183 because they said costs were rising and so forth. I decided not to fight it. Fast forward to this year, and now they are proposing to increase the dwelling coverage to $203k (11% increase). Funny thing is that for my exact townhome model, about 20 units were sold in the last year with prices averaging in the upper $180s (slightly above what I paid). I called the insurance company to let them have a piece of my mind, and they told me they use an independent 3rd party company to price the replacement costs. I told them it's BS because it's way above average market price and replacement costs is always below market price. They asked me to send them documents from when I purchased the home that details the construction materials used and upgrades so that they can reevaluate the dwelling coverage. My question is, why is the burden of proof on me to prove to the insurance company that dwelling coverage should be lowered? Why can't they just reduce it to what I tell them to reduce it to? After all, I am the customer who pays for the insurance. If my house is ever destroyed and I underinsured, that's my problem not theirs. I just find it strange that I'm paying for an insurance service and the insurance company decides what the replacement cost is, not me. Even though it doesn't affect them.""

Bike Insurance?

I am looking to buy either a 250cc or 500cc Ninja bike. What are the insurance rate like for these bike compared to other bike and compared to cars?

What is Yearly renewable term insurance ?

My agent said that that the insurance that they offer has a feature of Yearly renewable term insurance? What is it exactly?

What is all the car insurance and extra costs?

what is everything you have to have for a car like the insurance and all that and how much does it cost?

Can you get insurance in IL if the car is registered in NJ?

I have a car that is registered to my father in NJ but I'll be moving to IL. I'm the primary driver. It's a newer car so if I tried to just buy it off of him the interest rate would *skyrocket*. So, being the primary driver, and living in IL, would I be able to keep the car registered in NJ but get IL insurance? If not, any other options?""

I have an old pickup truck but can't find a price to get an insurance quote.?

I'm working on a 1972 International model 1100 Eight pickup truck and can't seem to find a price for it in todays market. I've looked on every automotive web-site I can think of, but they have every make except International. I'm trying to get an insurance quote over the internet and I really need this. I paid $400 for the truck itself and about the same for new parts. The guy who owned this truck before me said it was originally a one ton pickup, but the bed was switched out with a three ton. I know I have to add the price of the new parts, but all I want is an approximate base price. I'll take any advice, web-site, or anything else relevant to my needs.""

When is it too late to make a car insurance claim?

About 3-4 months ago I was parked in a supermarket car park. My mum, opened the passenger door where the wind blew and hit the car next to us. Upon packing the car, the passenger in the alleged 'chip' car stated that their car was damaged- the damage was barely even visible- something you would expect as a driver to occur. I even questioned whether that 'damage' was the fault of ours because the car was that battered. Anyway, 3 months later I received a letter stating that I was involved in an accident on the 21st of June. This date is also incorrect where this 'accident' actually happened on the 1st May (my car insurance renewal date). My insurance know this happened in this time as I called them to ask what may occur. Could anyone provide me with details of when it is the latest time to make a claim. Also, what would usually happen for the 'chip' in question since I know this day that it allegedly happened was a lie. (UK answers only please)""

What insurance should i get....?

I need to find the best insurance that is gonna be the cheapest. i checked qoutes on progressive and i got a qoute for like 500-600 dollars a month which i feel is too much! what insurance would you reccommend for young drivers? Ive had my liscense for a year and a half and have two points on it

Has anyone had a negative experience with Progressive Insurance Company?

Has anyone had a negative experience with Progressive Insurance Company?

I have a Texas Driver license but I'm staying in California for about 6 months?

So I moved to California and I'm only staying for six months because of work. I'm also buying a new car to get around. Because I am only staying for six months, I don't feel the need to change to a California license. Can I still buy car insurance and do everything I else need to do with just a Texas driver license? It doesn't expire till 2014.""

I have reasontly had my car stolen and am wondering how much the insurance are going to pay me ?

my car was a red vaxaull corsa M reg (1994) very excellent condition one OAP as a previous owner it had done 95,000 miles and had 11 months mot on it i valued it with the insurers for 500 even tho i think its worth more! and i was covered for 3rd party, fire n theft! so and ideas as to how much i will get?""

How to terminate my insurance policy?

i've 2 policy insurance, life policy & investing policy. now i have finance problem, i really cannot afford the premium. so i want to terminate either one of these 2 policy. if i terminated it, can i get all back my premium that i've paid during this few years?""

Is group health insurance what college insurance plans use?

Is group health insurance they type of insurance that college insurance plans use? I am filling out a form for CHP+ and it asked if I have group insurance available... I attend school that provides an insurance, but I can't afford that insurance.""

What is the best kind of life insurance to get? Which is most affordable?

(term, whole, universal, variable) I also would like your recommendations on good companies.""

""Young Driver Car Insurance, Price help?""

I'm 18, 19 this year and passed my driving test in August but couldn't afford to run a car because i was jobless, i now have a job as kitchen staff, now i could only be doing 10 hours a week but since i got a job insurance has come down which is good, but with only working 10 hours could it be possible to run a car? I know it's different for everyone I'm just after an opinion and if anyone else affords to run a car despite not earning a lot. Also if someone could give me an indication of how much they spend running a car in a week or month etc.. so i can get a rough idea. I did save up some money from a previous job i have about 2400 which will ideally be used to buy a car and possibly pay the insurance for the year... or possibly use it to pay monthly.""

Tenant insurance help?

I am looking for any good low cost tenant insurance any sugestions I have heared of SoHo insurance but have heared a couple bad things about it your input would be very welcome Thank you in advance I live in soulthern Ontario

Which company in New Jersey has the lowest Car Insurance?

Which company in New Jersey has the lowest Car Insurance?

Auto insurance for Toyota celica gts 2000?

I am getting my license on my 18th birthday and I am planning on getting a celica. The car will be on my dad name, and he's over 25yrs old. I want to know the rates of auto insurance for a sport car vs me getting a regular 4 doors. I just got a quote today and the guy told me that my insurance could be $116 a month for the celica with progressive please help me make my decision ty""

Insurance Types?

Is there a type of insurance that covers any type of damages you cause? Specifically destruction of a mattress.

Car insurance for 16 year old?

4WD jeep wrangler 1995 16 year old female I'd like to know the geico price preferably but if you can tell me what it would cost around it'd be great!

Car insurance questions - with regards to cancelling due to cheaper quote?

I have a couple of questions with regards to my car insurance. First of all, if I do a search on moneysupermarket.com/gocompare.com etc, will it record a search on my credit file? I turn 25 fairly soon, and I have a feeling my insurance should probably reduce accordingly, and want to know if it's worth my while shopping around. My current insurance policy ends in October. Also, if I do decide to shop around, and find a policy cheaper than what I'm currently paying, can I cancel my existing policy before it's due to end? I'm not sure how it works with car insurance - i.e. I know, if you wanted to cancel your phone contract early, you would be liable to pay the price for the whole contract - is it the same with car insurance? or can I just cancel it whenever I like?""

Is there any way of avoiding finance charges on monthly motor insurance ?

Like everyone, I'm strapped for cash and the other half's credit cards are maxxed out. In fact I'm so considered so bad for credit now even a loan shark wouldn't touch me with a bargepole despite having a job and being a discharged bankrupt - however my car insurance is due. Is there any way around the extra charges ? My renewal quote was 258 if payed in one lump, yet searching for monthly payments my cheapest payback is 366 over 12 months. Not that I'd ever accuse the banks of ripping us off. Any idea's ??""

How much home insurance & tax for a cheap studio?

I know 0 about this: are home insurance rates annual or monthly? Could someone give me just a very rough idea about how much a cheap studio's home insurance & tax would cost? (in ...mostrar ms

Copeland Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67837

Copeland Kansas Cheap car insurance quotes zip 67837

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/best-car-homeowners-insurance-rates-florida-alexander-moses/"

[la-mise-en-abime]

my heart yearns for you, i never wanted to be comic, i always thought it would be better to be funny in real life and not have to muster it and waste it on stage, and have people be surprised when you weren't as funny in real life, i always found that dissapointing when it happened to me, like that person was an apparition of themselves an empty shell. And wow I've come to realise how sad this existence is, or maybe its just the pattern of believing in your self, there are certainly dips. my heart yearns for you and i think fuck, was i supposed to have gone with you, was i supposed to have been all these things, what if we’d never met. I hope I can separate myself from you and form my own being, we were growing together and were not growing apart yet but maybe i need a change. This year has been weird, so wonderful, and so weird, and now maybe i am feeling the repercussions of your change, i am really feeling what you are feeling as one amoeba, we obviously share a bladder that has been said before so the urinary tract is suffering, but it hurts to feel your mundainity, it hurts to see you in your ordinary pain, your extraordinary pain in your ordinary life, it hurts me to think maybe you are not special, you are not just a special magical spelll that has reeked havoc on my life and make me question what holes i want it in. You are special, but if the world doesn’t notice so and treats you like shit i wont stand by it, ill stand with you, im sure what else I can do, will do. I dont want them spreading. our message so falsely for their own gain, i dont want coffee drunk over us and laughed over us, at our expense and sexual fetishes and smiles and dimples and rude finger gestures and shrugs and pleas and questions and examinations and cuts and bruises and cuts and no questions and spit in your face. Id rather not that thank you, id really rather not. I dont care what i am, just in relation to you always in relation to you. omg the fucking car alarm wont shut the fuck up, please shut the fuck up screaming like a fucking attention seeking cunt shut up, thank you. I was scared they would rape you, im still scared they will rape you, and i dont wants o be subtle anymore, I m scared they will fist you and put things inside you and pull your trousers down and laugh and bend you over a car and fuck you and fuck you hard, and im scared i want that, no i dont but I can imagine it vividly, has it happened somewhere in my memory before. I remember crying very hard over that film boys dont cry in tigers arms, sobbing and gasping like when i used to have tantrums, once a huge one in a video store andi couldn’t breathe i was crying so hard, and my dad said, T everyone can hear you, look they're all looking at you, take a deep breath and bap bap bap like fish inhale all that air and exhale very slowly, (later he said so your mouth looks like an asshole) but fuck those people that were looking at me he just shouldnt have made me fucking cry and it felt good and distressing to cry that much.

when we first met, the first night i called you she so many times when i was talking about you to other people, i had to keep correcting myself like i had terrets or something (that fucking car alarm) she, he, she, he, she, he. You didn't realise you have subsequently told me, but i rememeder it clearly, i was so drunk I could nt get it right, and you were the first trans person i had met knowingly, when you first told me you joked it about it, that seemed to be your method at the time, haha yeah, im basically just becoming a teenager, im about 13 in T years, i was like who is this creature who is telling me this there was subtle tone of vulnerability in how you explained it as if to say please accept this floating skin of myself that rests just above our heads, any sudden movements will frighten it off and i complied with this thing in front of me, kept it floating warily above our heads, as i fell in love with you. but your smile was golden, you were soft like the butches i had seen before, that negative space you *cant couldn’t touch where femininity and masculinity come close but don’t touch. the softness of fat under you shirt and the way you sweat and knowing there was something vulnerable in your pants, something I knew so much of and also nothing. this was stepping into another realm. I felt almost ashamed as if i was leading you on and you were so shiny and soft I knew you wanted more, but i was scared of you. i think i was terrified. of what you represented.

i was so scared of getting it wrong I did the most research ever before i met you again. how to give a clit orgasm , trans porn, top surgery, bottom surgery, fucking buzz feed all to find you somewhere, but you weren't there, you were new born, fresh into this world, thats why it felt like a lie, its affects creep up on you and for a long time you are lying to the world and proving it and i knew so much yet i would blow on your skin and, nothing. as i see you then you were more of a man than ever so pushed into a box, as so much of it is, to parade something you cant even have the grasp of to explain, to someone, your grounding on this earth in a matter of facial muscles and sounds originating from the mouth and lines and lumps in the right place flattened down that could have restricted your breathing as we slept and i said how lovely your back was because you wouldnt take it off you. Wouldn't let me see you like that it could have killed you in your sleep left me kissing a dead back i cant I cant. So for a while I could have been your fairy. your keeper even your comforter i did not exist because you did not hold me back, give yourself to me and**** i asked you in the dark of night do you like being licked out, do you like getting oral sex, do you use dildos, where do you not want me to touch, i thought you didn't want me to put my mouth there because it was wrong, it was weird, overgrown stump of what a pearl was, oh how i was wrong and you loved it and i too, i thought you might want me to suck on that appendage that innocent bystander that plastic thing that was never asked if it wanted to go in the dark place alone with no light, want me to lick it and suck it and look up at you while i did it like in the films, cause i would have done anything to get you off, and i did, but you let me put the overgrown pearl in my mouth let me pull it and suck it and let it rithe in my mouth furry stubborn pearl rolling on the sea bed, under bed under my tongue it would grow and wither and chip into my head visions of another world where I had never been and we would have to take an underground river to get to.

i remember the night it happened in that small space we called a bed the squeaked and the heating sounded like it was having a hight pitched breakdown, i was going to party that was prom themed and dressed up with lipstick over my top lip and all around my mouth and a wig and a dress and the whole time i was getting ready i was thinking of it happening, i was terrified i was going to get it wrong, id never done it, what if i would never get it right cause it wasn't the right genital substance for me, what if it was embaressing and i would have to go home with my tail between my legs not a true lesbian, straight person, person of lesbian tendencies, individual or something, someone that could not give another person what they both wanted to be given. i dont know I really didn't know, all I knew was that i looked fucking brilliant, and no one else was dressed up as per usual, so fuck them, and it gave me that sense of brilliance that everyone is judging you and you dont care.

and now they tell me a changeling is an old fairy that takes the place of a human baby an old stubborn baby that clings onto life promising its youth to all those around it that makes more sense when i call you a changeling when i call you a changeling that has been swapped at birth if only you didn't have a belly button or you had two sets of eye lids, or a second skin, but you do have strange belly button piercing from another life well say its an alien marking it i like putting my finger in it so hairy and soft and i get stapled in the mind when i know you were a teenage girl, and it turns me on and it scares me you will see that in my eyes. it makes sense that the old fairy would have seen the land and its folds to have a sense of knowing the cradle is where it should reside for the rest of its days not shuffle along in the mud with fairy toes all wet. you told me to put my toes in the sand, it felt so wrong and like they were being licked that time, in Edinburgh, a large man in an animal state licked my toes and it felt so good i let go of everything, but it comes so natural to you , to look at the sea and see answers, im almost playing to your state so you feel more comfortable in your natural environment if i am repulsed. the way people do that sometimes in order to appease the other, was it unnatural for me not to be amazed, you do annoy me when you are that pure(goldstar). i look as if i have corrupted you from your chosen path, perhaps you will go back there someday, back to the beach and think of me and you'll be at home cause i wont be teasing you, you'll be done with London and its cruel ways to spit you out with all your teeth and dreams, ill sit up in my high castle and be cold because of the drafts, without my human blanket.  my cold winter feet.

and i want to have your children as long as they are fizzy and rough and have no part in the world they will become hardened to. i want there to be a way, a way that men with answers will give them to us and let me stop googling humiliating shit like can two eggs make a embryo, this is the age of fake news and i dont want to be a fucking victim. (of it) I want the soft place between us soft shell air socket between us to be full with potential and not lacking in our minds because of what ever we've been told needs to be there to build a life. i want it when i rub on the top of your clit, tiny boner, source, of rivers, slowly when you sit on me to really be you inside me or you transporting something in the air to me you don’t have to be inside me i am clever enough, imaginative enough to receive a wish of will. this way is better is better it is this way is better and better for me to lay my body on the sidewalk and shout for it to be this way ill disgrace myself to hold your hand.

its funny the words we use to communicate to each other i call you bitch and slag and squeal at you in the morning i shout in a mad face that the bombs are coming get down the bombs are coming and i tickle you and hit you when you dont hide your face into the cover, i like the helpless tickling noise, your gasping for air and your fucking smile is so framed in everything i could ever ask for. I think im like my dad like that when he screams little baby bird baby bird and picks you up like a child with the body of a huge 50 year old henry the 8th look a like. i dont want anyones approval but it hurts to know some soft states cant be translated into other states some things cant be grasped or explained.

we like to scream bitch after saying things because its like the cartoon rick and morty character who is the nightmare man, that was what got me through the break up and you lay on my lap as we watched, and i sunk my sad claws into that screen hoping the half an hour episodes would sink into one another and back into the whites of my eyes into my brain i could see us watching but i couldn't feel it, but the feeling was slowly coming back like after you burn your fingers with ice cream.

/

im sorry if you are hurt I had to do it i needed to be selfish well all die alone theres nothing more to say i couldn’t put it into words, i am scared of what is coming of the eyes of others im scared I will blame you for what i have doubts. you let me take you there i feel like the guy, there is no guy and I am becoming more comfortable in this position against your skin you can tell when people have copy and pasted ideas im self conscious of your knowing of my lust of your knowing of my want to penetrate you im conscious of my eagerness to do this and im conscious of what this could mean and could not. Im conscious of your body next to mine in the dark room im concious of the splinter in my finger im conscious i must be with out you. Im conscious of my memories past and how they build this encounter how i must hold back things from your view and bring others into the light but they are all there waiting to be shown it is for me to divide(decide). i am concious of you in the dark room when I see the man cry at the sound of a lovers voice from years past i feel the weight of his pain and i cry infant(infront) of you in the dark room full of people, they dont know this they dont understand like i have and i come out the cinema see the shadows of people in my way did they see what i saw i could not believe they were they they do not feel the same they are frauds, I make a swift exit to the toilet so as not to be taunted by these shadows, what is this face i see on leaving the huge and empty lonely *discabled toilet we blush at each other we know who the other is and cannot express the name of the other our mouths are forming round the name both struggling to admit this is happening(the other has a name) both blushing both full with what is delirium from all the crying shed in the dark room the evil son dark species feeder comes out the * bathroom to greet us he too is bleeding red blush and eyes and nose do twist and curve into some uncomfortable shape to fu/fill the space where words should be, and none of us can detect any.

you ask me how i did it. and i think of their mouths on each others genitals for a flash second as they stand close enough to kiss and i think better put that to bed my love. you ask me what did i do. She's taller than I thought im a fucking child a well mannered fucking child the fact my face has been near a dick makes you want to slit my throat, but i cut my tongue off and gave it to you for christmas. i say i sucked my fingers and put them places, and all i want to do is feel and to be shown the different avenues of experience. Im sorry i made that gesture people did it at uni those cuts across the arm in the air a razor blade wiped clean every time wrapped up and hidden in a draw like a battle field my love like a war torn landscape. i fucking hate those people i dont know i could strangle them for their inanety for their very wretched existence on this planet.

of the splinter in my finger at close glance microscopic slow motion as a pick it from my finger and its still sore is there still something in there i will never get out i will always copy in my actions to others be a wooden

fuck the egg fuck the egg fuck the egg and they were all so strange and i was so strange in their company as i am in the meetings of strangers it it where i find myself i find myself there it is my true self when i making things up and there is an atmosphere not yet made but worth polluting and his mother was dying and he saw a drag queen make an omelette and i made my excuses from my lack of anything and you were on a chopping board waiting to be chopped and i was in the hill in the suburb of my mind in my fear of the rape of the suburb and my filming of the fish in the shop window in the night of the suburb* and my mothers words were strong and definite this is something that will affect you and you are lost i am lost lost lost i know it was a losing game to say it was what i could handle was funny and I was laughing as i tried

filming things to take back to you of my existence the evidence of my existence and the world that you could not see. parcels of light

so poorly filmed camera angles all blushing with love

Id love to have been there in that moment, frying pan on the go, quite allot of fat, like chicken breast, must be nice to eat feed someone something from your own body. penis

im sorry i was full when you wanted to fuck me. Tomorrow we are going to dinner with your family, i will have to behave like i have to, no hands under the table touching you as we eat, it will be hot, suffocatingly hot and ill have to concentrate on what i am eating not eating you

did i hurt you did i make you bleed? i wish id recorded our conversation, and ill have to read this book again and again as its urgency describes the urgency for us to be described. You said it made you open that those boundaries were closed for so long, you've been alive for a long time, no ones ever been in there no person or thing, you must really like me, for letting you do that, my bodies like what are you doing things dont go in there only come out, whats that we like it, oh i suppose we should give it a try. its not something i can describe yet this feeling of you opening up to me, i knew all along you would like it. it makes me drowsy watching you getting turned on suffocating under my hand, you want it and im going give it to you im gonna take it away and put it back in , im touching you where you've never been touched it might as well not existed you didn't exist before this moment soft in my hand and wriggling in my fist, im holding you there i wont let you go ill give you everything you want to get there ***im deep inside you i can feel your pain that something has expanded and been washed away with the penetration and skin on skin that soft place between your hip and lower thigh that could still be a babies limb(thigh) that night i spoke to a butch about being a bottom and she told me sex is just looking at someone just imagining things are there that aren’t and everyone gets fucked in every hole and space that wants it when you have not spent your life in the corners of others peoples eyes ducking from sight and fucking, would you have put things inside yourself when you were younger did you just bleed and then stop and then bleed and then stop did your blood stain the sheets did you feel like a hole like an opening to be spread across the floor and sucked from someones fingers(in a jar), to be spread across the floor, did your dad smile at you and tell you not to have seconds did he have seconds is he an asshole does he think about your vagina swelling as it does with the months of injecting vials  T /of pleasure/ straight to the blood supply supplying an ever growing (cock) clitoris, you said id fucked you into a coma, i want you to sleep in my lap all day, you cried and my hands were wet when i put them on your face, your got my cheeks wet you fucker (asshole) i was saving them for a rainy day, you said you lived on one floor you said 2 women lived in your house that were sisters and never spoke did your blood stain the walls did your blood stain the walls can i eat it can i lick it from your wounds when we fuck with the jock strap on and its covered in blood it makes me think of your blood and if there was a gash between your legs a severing you apart if you will fall apart and break in half and stain the floor as i drag you across the room , can i lick it from your wounds your soft and gutteral wounds so soft like petal flesh someones cut them and theyre bleeding from your plastic appendage theres blood on your clit but im sucking it, still blood there.,wont let me inside cause of the invisible blood there, it will be there for a while trickling down, the war on your body, the thighs of a child, i touched you in a place you hadn't heard of hadn’t translated into the language coudlnt understand the cuts dont like holes skin didn't prick pickle, ulcerus skin would let anything in barriers up it hurt me when i wasn't allowed in felt like heteronormativity without the pain of boredom but a line not to be crossed but things not to be stroked or kissed or licked let me hold you in the night now I've held you and broken you and something floats inside me if only they were to know, could you be pregnant with my wanting ?

have you been spending allot of time with your parents because you know they are going to die soon, i am lonely, i need to spend more time alone, it makes you more lonely when you cant remember the last time you were alone i really would’nt know who i was if i got married now.

i like fucking you in the ass, it really gets me off, really gets me off, really turns me on really makes me want to be inside you inside your whole core cant

i am dancing in slow motion to your voice, i am filming myself dancing in slow motion to your voice, i am cutting something up while listening to your voice, i running round in circles listening to your voice, i am on the floor crying listening to your voice, i am holding myself tightly listening to your voice, I am shouting over the sound of your voice trying to make myself louder, i am hungry for you voice, i am ashamed by the space between us, i am hungry for your voice, I am holding a floor/flower for your voice, i am listening to your voice drunk with my fingers in my ears, i am drinking shots to the sound of music timed listening to your voice,- man be cool i am frying an omelette listening to your voice, i am feeling everything listening to your voice, i am feeding an audience member listening to your voice, i am surprised by myself listening to your voice, i am masc for maSCC listening to your voice, i am hoping you wont leave listening to your voice, i am wanting to throw things away listening to your voice, i haven't decided listening to your voice, i am miming along listening to your voice, i am copying you listening to your voice, i am speaking very slowly listening to your voice, i am oily listening to your voice

a happy accident might be to faint on the tube and on coming round see your face, i find there is a null space between writing of words and the performance it is to panic that one is not right that one is not enough to parallel the other, to say that what comes first what is the purpose of the speaking, how much effort should the speaking be to counteract the writing, did the writing come from an improv, how does one improv on their own, I will just have to talk to myself for the rest of my life, no the improv comes from an exercisee, starting small and fun and exploring it, not know or worrying as to where it might go, the same with writing, do you start with a goal in mind, well sometimes you have an objective but you go on a journey to get there and no decision is wrong just a manifestation from your head, nothing you could ever do if it was honest would be wrong honesty is the best policy but that doesnt mean you cant be honest and also be deceitful, be lying and be honest, be lying honestly, be copying honestly, it is a mixture of lies and truth this is performance, to use ones body as the bericle to which you tell the story or the thoughts from your brain just your very existence not he stage is radical enough, to even say one word or blink would be radical enough…

i am sad i think my father is lonely i cant see him now but can here his soft rummaging and weird noises down stairs he can scream like a mad man and is always performing his mad man routine which might infact be his personality, but like me he is just pushing the boundaries and likes to piss people off and make them feel uncomfortable, so it is sometimes hard to tell the difference, I am sad he is lonely because i cannot see him but i can hear him coughing now, and in the night, i can hear him snoring through the floor boards and i can see the snor s coming up through the air like fluffy grey clouds or waves, i am sad that he is lonely i cannot see him but i can see a dark blue space punctured with lights and that is what downstairs looks like until i go downstairs and i can see its real walls and light fixtures and i know this is the real corners not the dark corners, i think he is lonely as he asked me to go to the corner shop to get him a beer a Stella Artois and I am sad because i did not get it for him and now he is coughing he is in the sarcoughaus of the house he is under my feet i feel i am selfish i only speak to him when i want things i wish adults weren't so useless and they could tell you what was wrong like a plant or a shoal of tuna feels like stabbing in the dark into a shoal of fish trying to understand him

when I woke up i thought about your genitals how they might be wet on my face, i turned over and felt my body on the mattress, I thought had you ever done this, you never touched it when you wanked, you still dont unless you with me and were in the moment. i had a pervading fear you might leave me for another man, I watched men from your eyes, seeing them as unconquered land as something you had not tried never been touched by a man in all your years, apart from that hand job with your guitar teacher, i thought i hate that woman, i woke from a sleep of her me telling you couldn't watch it, it angered me too much, i couldn’t watch it was sickening and her fucking face i could cut it open

Soft wet thing doesnt make sense pear shaped blossom and soot covering the sides urinal polished unforgetting is it to touch another in your future, basin of doubt my mouth alludes me it goes to what has come before

(without sentence structure just using simile and metaphors and free writing compairison to do this )

I had another dream about someone else, i feel dirty im gonna have a shower, im scared your gonna change im scared your gonna leave me for another man, im scared of you have a life without me, i keep having dreams about her, every night, do i want to fuck her or am i taunted by her, im taunted by her by a past life of mine, she came to greet me and she had candy floss hair i looked a mess everyone was there and we went out and left everyone i just left for her pleasure

i get paid to be sensitive in the sensitive spot the wind touches my ankles and there nothing to do in the plain sight the pain sigh the plain sight that moves me i woke up with blurry vision am i going blind, i woke up and what i could see yesterday i can no longer see before i feels good to hold your self down to be fLat and shiny and full of a heart and skin and blood underneath to know a cut would open you up so easily to fail in the dirt failing to use your limbs to fall bewildered to go outside for once in your life have you been outside today have you have been outside today no so dont hurt me again with your stale cavity

you would growl at the man in the shop selling us peaches didn't know he had a tremor terret,s to growl not ideal for a corner shop being the only light in a dark world dark street moon time peach buying and it upset me and i thought of myself as a small child all small and childlikee as a small child when kids took it too far and you shrivelled up into your self, its when your alone with your pain, snowball in the eye water dripping from you eye in alone with myself for hours, all hazy in the background, background noise, sharp aliveness alive sadness with he dirty snow dripping from my eye or glass that i sat on, the worst would be to be maimed she said , to be maimed  would be the worst, to be maimed she said would be the worst, it was only a peach pit in my skull, but you wouldn’t want a 12 inch knife in your stomach sternum would you no you wouldn’t, a peach pit stone cutting the sides of your head off, shaving an inch from yours skull, its skill to laugh again after the impact, i felt child child again, plight of the hill and the peach pit in my brain it sunk in made its self known to me, known that it would not venture out, somewhere else a man was being cut open, known to me it would not venture out, it would not venture out and to expect something of the thing before it reaches its thing hood is foolish to expect something fo the thing is foolish, is foolish when a peach pit has embedded itself into its skull sorry to be a senstitve being, sentiive in the cool of the night air, as we cross the road to avoid cars we think might kill us, where everything is the height of the wind as the rain is about to fall, as temperaturee falls, it stayed with us all night, that stone worked its way out (but that stone did not work its way out)

shouting from a place of honesty, to unravel it would take its secrets away, it was a sigh in the mind, it was my sweat on your forehead, it was something happening far away, it was that peach pit of cruelty

why did i keep eating them bending lower and lower to my fait. my knees are the first to go, too weak for what they will

its when your alone with your pain, glass in my upper thigh near the places you choose to be cut open, involuntarily penetrated and loneliness is death and i have a scar there and its when your alone with your pain

, an men described as mediateranine colouring what ever the fuck that means hindered bodies with

i am so angry at you i am gone with anger I am gone i could have made the thing and blasted it into your face i could have made the thing and blasted it into your face watever you fucking cunt go lick the dogs arse i hate you and your fucking cuffling laugh and the way you look at me when you disapprove maybe i need to be more accepting thats my fault but i could hit you right you you fucking sucker go lick the dogs arse shut up ill say goodbye and not kiss you how do you like that if only it didn't fold back on me you /dont know me at all you are fitting things into the past what you used to say what you used to think you dont actually think that anymore dont let the shit they say grind you down thats a cliche go lick the dogs arse I am full with so many voices and none of them are yours  you sucker go lick the dogs arse the words you say are empty vaccums i do things for you im self entitled i want to get it wrong i do things for you im self entitled i want to get it wrong i want to be excited instead im scared i want to get it wrong go lick the dogs arse

i couldn't hate you for long, but did you hate me forever, soaking up my life, is this sharing is this toll sharing, does it hurt you too,

it comes from the soul

wind hots the window suds like a bee dying

duality of eggs and blood

Bred into my womb

to find the details and tell your story

a film from my perspective as a stalker to you

hey fossil fuel, dirty ribena, slime mould, sea potato, Ursula le Guin, get in my mouth please peasant testicle tentacle put you to sleep eat you to your heart, peace be with you, bible passage for your grandma, Eccles cake for you pegging, naked with a cap on, dim light of the room a memory not to be forggoten and then i devoured you and then i devoured you and then i devoured you and then i devoured you cherry pip cherry core cherry cherry sticks and cherry more. Lychees at the cinema a hidden satsuma grapefruit lips fruit is expensive

im worried my dad only exists in my kitchen

im proud that you told them there is something else a Zara sales assistant wouldnt get it you were trying to tell her there was a void in the floor that she could fall into this gaping hole sucking the air out the room just a dash from razor on someones face wouldnt tell it to them straight give them enough warning of their ignorance there was a hurricane a whirlwind approaching she better get her fucking brolly - probably sum it up in one sentence.

into a massive void that was shaking all the

in those slow motion moments under the lights as the corners of your body touched mine tacky red paint and screaming

in that surreal slow motion

the less im with you the more I hate you for not sugaring my existence

Iit will all pass so grab it now

it was your gold star!!

my hands smell like celeriac but this morning they smell of your scent from inside your thighs where the humming birds sing, where i laugh at our fathers for not knowing we have that scent on our fingers as we talk to them

Ilike that man who kept getting ups nd putting his hat back on

when your full with cum and adrenalin you cant feel the pain

the metaphors the rising cultures

i am funny and you are funny and in the end i think its all going to be okay

to make a real effort to smile and not put my hands under the table.

the smell of cigarettes Monday morning

do they mix the ashes and dead bodies with the food

seeing that fruit stall and thinking that was where you were mine but i was not yours

i was your baby and i used to suck your chin

Never yours

Theres a man bow legged and he's walking, did his mum know not to wrap him round her chest like that so his legs would grow in the shape of her love and rib cage

the ground is lavender, looks like lichen, bluebells maybe just floating above the grass, a hat, a bonnet of flowers

i pass blisets where the man speaks in burps

throat cancer has made him funny without realizing

we walk along and our our knees in the right place?

we use sticks, we use plastic wheeled things, i am late, we use stealth, accents and alter egos, i channeled into a man selling big issue suddenly i am Liverpudlian so he recognises me as his own and forgives me for no money

she grows it but it looks better short

im late and bins line the pavement

i woke up in shock this morning and apologised in my sleep

Reeds

they will cut it off soon

film haircut march poem pics love

funny watch

even though can is hilarious

i fancy people who look like they've been found under a rock.

i rip my hair our its pieces

i am holding back

from every circle of my life

shame theres no poppies just unruly black hairs vying for attention

my love

not in our forehead or fingers

it is your ex girl friend

in awe of all the others creatures

i saw a bird with a ketchup packet

to call to each other reference each other tell each other things that are subconscious or just things. I call you bitch, the source, trans jelly, lichen, kitten , chicken tikka masala, midlands, it goes on. Im a rabbit in your keeping your your so small, smaller than me.

i hear you are on quest is that true? and you were born this morning, how is the world treating you? Im going to tell you some truths about the world.. have you learnt about hot and cold yet? Christmas trees have very short lives, sometimes the sun shines too much and you go red, you like icecream, you also like the beach and walking with your shoes off, you really like steak, cartoons and you are very kind.

the reason i cant really talk very clearly is because i have cut my tongue out and given it to you as a present.

I cut your tongue off and gave it to you for christmas.

ill cut an old woman face off and lay it in mine and scream like a goddess in battle as we sit on the tube cutting a mans head off with the slight of a blink in my fantasy that could be real if you will it.

if i had a 3d printer

i take you and i raise you to the highest peaks, dont bring us down.

and not spunk.

Middle ages people with their politics and booze that nor really fair i like them allot and they've livedI

as we have discovered a whole new worl

it feels great cause you know they are just particles of nothing and every part of your face is ——-gleaming.

boat to under the river where snails .

and ill nev

left me with a mound of flesh

for moths to come

my truth, my witty ex

Transface

Political nipples

Squirm

Beetle juice

Metamorphic

your such a tease

Tardigrade

[viralhottopics]

Transatlantic tango: Trump and May take their turn at the special relationship

Theresa Mays audience with Trump at the White House continues an age-old dance between prime minister and president, which has seen its ups and downs

Sir Kim Darroch, British ambassador to the US, rarely misses an opportunity to point out that Donald Trump regards the meeting of minds between Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher as a model for the presidents own relationship with Theresa May.

Continuing an age-old dance between prime minister and president, May will on Friday become the first foreign leader to visit Trump at the White House. While the president has declared his intent to put America first in all things, London scents an opening with a man whose mother was British and who restored a bust of Winston Churchill to the Oval Office within hours of moving in.

It was Churchill, born to an American, who coined the phrase special relationship (as well as iron curtain) during a lecture tour of the US after the second world war. The affinity has been publicly reaffirmed by both sides ever since but proved notoriously lopsided as America surged to superpower status and Britain faded into the second rank. While most US presidents are instantly recognisable to the British, few prime ministers have left their mark across the pond.

There is something faintly demeaning about these prime ministerial jaunts to Washington, journalist Andrew Marr wrote in the Independent in 1994. No Briton with a residual flicker of patriotism can be entirely happy at our doglike desperation to be noticed, to receive a few kind words, have a stick thrown, be reassured by the Nice Man in the Big House that we are still more valuable than the other mutts in town.

Personalities, and personal chemistry, have been part of the narrative, at least symbolically. Churchill and Franklin D Roosevelt (FDR) were wartime allies against Hitler. On one occasion at the White House, a naked Churchill opened his door to Roosevelt and said, You see, Mr President, I have nothing to hide from you. Both men laughed.

Relations turned sour in the 1950s when Anthony Eden authorised military action in Egypt to regain control of the Suez canal, taking Dwight Eisenhower by surprise. Trump adviser Thomas Stewart, a former US naval officer, said: Eden kept Eisenhower in the dark. That damaged relations and affected communications between the UK and US for quite a while. Eden and the Americans were wounded by the lack of trust.

Stalin, Roosevelt and Churchill at the Teheran conference during the second world war. Churchill once opened his door naked to Roosevelt, saying: You see, Mr President, I have nothing to hide. Photograph: Hulton Archive/Getty Images

The surprising friendship between Conservative Harold Macmillan and the much younger Democrat John F Kennedy is the subject of a book, Harold and Jack, by Christopher Sandford. The two leaders had exchanged not only formal messages but also a steady flow of handwritten notes, Christmas and birthday cards, congratulations, and, on occasion, condolences, the author records.

Macmillan also had an American mother and his wife was the aunt of Lord Hartington, killed in action in 1944 shortly after he married JFKs sister Kathleen. It was Macmillan who said of the British and Americans: We are the Greeks to their Romans.

From 1966 to 1969, the torch passed to Harold Wilson and Lyndon Johnson. The British prime minister resisted pressure to send troops to Vietnam, unlike Tony Blair in Iraq a generation later. After one call, he said: Lyndon Johnson is begging me even to send a bagpipe band to Vietnam.

The 1970s brought Heath/ Nixon and Callaghan/ Carter, but it was the years 1981-89 that delivered the ideological soulmates Thatcher, a Conservative, and Reagan, a Republican, both for the free market, against big government and devoutly anti-communist. They rode horses and golf buggies together.

Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan dance in the foyer of the White House during a state dinner in Thatchers honor in 1988. Photograph: Larry Rubenstein/Reuters

Thatcher once declared: Your problems, will be as our problems, and when you look for friends we shall be there. She was, however, critical of Reagan over the US invasion of Grenada.

Stewart recalled how Thatcher visited towards the end of Reagans presidency, when he was under pressure over the Iran-Contra affair, and gave an interview that strongly praised him. As she was leaving, at the airport, Reagan gave her a call and said, Margaret, thank you. All the cabinet members gave her applause of appreciation.

Stewart, who met Thatcher, added: She was a rock solid individual. She understood it was a force multiplier having the UK and US together and it really was a special relationship. We were able to face down the Soviet empire to the extent that they changed who they were.

The inversion of Thatcher/ Reagan came in the 1990s with Tony Blair of Labour and Bill Clinton of the Democrats, both of whom grew up in the post-war era and studied at Oxford University. Clintons New Democrats were hugely influential on Tony Blairs New Labour with youth, a shiny rebranding and a shift to the political centre ground.

Sidney Blumenthal, a former assistant and senior adviser to Clinton, introduced him to Blair before he became prime minister. It was probably the closest relationship of an American president and a British prime minister devoted to a common purpose, even more so than FDR and Churchill, he said. They of course were partners in the defeat of Nazi Germany but FDR was not devoted to the future of the British empire. He came to distrust Churchill as a military strategist and overrode him.

When Bill Clinton emerged he was the sole political leader of his kind in the west and when Blair became prime minister, there was a kind of movement. They had to establish liberal and progressive politics as best they could while having to contend with Reaganism and Thatcherism. What happened has been overshadowed and discoloured by Blair and Bush.

Bill Clinton and Tony Blair. It was probably the closest relationship of an American president and a British prime minister devoted to a common purpose. Photograph: Charles Platiau/Reuters

This was an unlikelier coupling. Not long after his inauguration in 2001, George W Bush invited the prime minister to a retreat at Camp David. At a press conference, the two leaders were asked if they had found any common ground. Well, we both use Colgate toothpaste, Bush joked. Blair shot back: They are going to wonder how you know that George.

Blair was criticised as Bushs poodle after throwing in his lot with the disastrous US military invasion of Iraq. When Bush presented Blair with the Presidential Medal of Freedom in January 2009, one headline dubbed it a medal of dishonour.

Then came Gordon Brown and Barack Obama. Once again, the unrequited neediness of Britain was on display. In 2009, Brown tried five times to arrange a meeting with Obama on the fringes of the UN general assembly in September 2009, only to be granted a snatched conversation in a New York kitchen.

The removal of Jacob Epsteins bust of Churchill was seen by some as evidence of Obamas antipathy towards the UK, although British officials said it had simply been on loan as a personal gift from Blair to Bush for the duration of his presidency and was always expected to then be returned.

Obama had a stronger relationship with Germanys Angela Merkel than with his British counterparts. She received his final phone call to a foreign leader from the White House, a telling contrast from May being the first to meet Trump. The pendulum swings again.

Luke Coffey, director of the Foreign Policy Center at the Washington-based Heritage Foundation think tank which contains a Margaret Thatcher Center for Freedom said: Im optimistic about this relationship. Youve got someone whos not going to be down on the prime minister over the Brexit issue and who wants to do a trade deal.

Angela Merkel talks to Barack Obama during a G7 meeting at Elmau Castle in Elmau, Germany. Photograph: MICHAEL KAPPELER / POOL/EPA

Coffey, former special adviser to Britains former defence secretary Liam Fox, added: The important point about the special relationship is it shouldnt matter whos in 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue or Number 10 Downing Street. It has to rise above the personalities and the political parties.

A lot have a very romantic idea of the special relationship, especially from a UK perspective. Its first and foremost about military and intelligence cooperation. When you add on other conditions then perhaps its not seen as special as people would like.

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from Transatlantic tango: Trump and May take their turn at the special relationship