#and im just waiting for the next party

[dreamboyslut]

daydreaming about sharing a dorm room with a jock who would rather die than being seen in public with me but when he comes back one night, drunk and bothered after a night out, he falls down onto my bed and kiss and lick and suck hickeys on my neck, acting all needy when I wake up and ask him what the fuck he's doing, and I can't resist him when I feel him hard against my ass and he's taking his clothes off and my boxers disappears too, now his dick is sliding between my thighs and i feel wet and slippery and it slips in me, my cunt feels tight, and I'm so warm and pliant and he's whispering in my ear how good it feels to be inside me, gentle and hard at the same time with the way he holds me tight against him while his dick is pounding me, it doesn't take long before he freezes, he's so deep inside, and he comes with a grunt... he's still draped around me when I feel his body relax and he falls asleep

[jevilowo]

Went to France instead of making Soldier Ships. And then Forgor. Apologies.

Ranking Tf2 Ships Part 2: Soldier

Batting Helmet

See the first list lmao

It's hilarious, basically.

Sollycest

I think their combined power would destroy the planet. So.

Objectively funny also, however

Fireworks

Im like 90% sure thats the ship name but i havent touched my shipping website in months soooooo

Same genre as batting helmet, but objectively BETTER, because they actively meet each others' crackpot level. And there's minimal choking.

Seriously check out the tag on ao3 some absolutely BRILLIANT fics on there shout out to uhhh i think they're called Hanktalkin and they've written the best ones

Realistically would destroy everything around them. I'm beginning to think that would just happen with most Solly ships.

Boots n Bombs

SHOUT OUT TO BOOTS N BOMBS WEIRDLY UNDERATED DESPITE BEING THE FOURTH MOST POPULAR SHIP ON AO3. Crazy gap between bloody suit (1000+) and them (like around 450).

EMESIS BLUE. URGH. THEY KILL ME.

WAR! UPDATE. URGH. THEY CONTINUE TO KILL ME.

CUT VOICELINES. URGH. THEY SUCEEDED IN KILLING ME. I AM DEAD.

Lovely lovely dynamic, platonic or otherwise. At least Besties in every universe, team colours be damned.

And the YURI. ARGH I saw someone describe WAR! solly x demo as yuri coded bc of their "unbearably sapphic levels of miscommunication" which HAHA YEAH but I mostly mean the genderbendy art it's Exquisite.

Bonus points for when they're polying up they cule with Zhanna also. I had to explain the word polycule to a classmate the other day isn't that wild. Anyways the three of them match each others' freaks.

Cold War

When you're so determined for this idiot to not fuck your sister you fuck him instead lmao

Pretty fun in theory, in practice I think they'd both hate it.

Um shout out to that one fic i read once where soldier ruptured his throat giving heavy head that was. Something. I mean that in a nice if midly bemused way btw.

Helmet Party

Save me helmet party etc etc

The art on here for them is adorable genuinely the softest i see solly portrayed in fanworks is with engie

In canon Solly seems to respect Engie the most? E.g. Expiration date: stops choking out scout when asked to by Engie, takes Engie's "teleport bread if u want" comment as an ORDER, even the whole QUESTION whatsurquestionsoljer exchange felt very I ASK OF YOU, COMMANDING OFFICER!! What having another True American on the team does to a mf i guess. Scout isnt a True American he's french.

I mean i still like boots n bombs more lol but helmet party fans i see u and i love u especially when u make it yuri.

Fruit Scones

Look up the story behind the ship name guys its great

As a ship to me it's heavymedic but without everything that makes heavymedic the Ship Of All Time

Solly's pocket medic cosmetic is cute tho

Uhhh as long as soldier never made the germany connection i think it could work? Like he'd let medic do crazy shit to him and medic would giggle and kick his feet over it. Then again there's no way medic wasnt doing fucked up shit to n*zis during ww2 so ykw it would probably work out regardless yippeee

OH YEAH THE NICKNAMES whenever i play medic and hear a cmere sweetheart/pumpkin/sally/cupcake I lose all control of myself and suddenly become a pocket medic teehee.

American Aviators

Its a sniper ship and not sb so I automatically like it

Tragically not that compatible. Sniper would find soldier too loud and soldier would find sniper too unamerican in his shooting things from far away tactics.

They have potential to be good friends tho i think. I've always seen Sniper as a trolling god (see that one in character interview john patrick lowry did in uh 2014 i think) and Solly would eat that shit up.

Freedom Fries

Ehhh?

Art on here is cute. Don't get me wrong. Love that.

HOWEVER. in no universe would they actually Function as a couple. Sorry guys. 54727474 dead 277282848 injured.

I am also put off it because people flock to it (and, sigh, mediscout,) over boots n bombs in the emesis blue side of the fandom. I AM NOT SHIP SHAMING BY THE WAY, I GOT ACCUSED OF THAT ONCE AND HAVE YET TO EMOTIONALLY RECOVER, but i reallyyyy wish people would focus less on Most Toxicly Basic Yaoi Known To Man, and more on Tragic Doomed Yaoi Where Both Parties Actually Kind Of Like Eachother And Didn't Both Try To Kill Each Other (russian roulette and the grenade at the funeral). AGAIN I AM NOT SHIP SHAMING HERE PLS DON'T CONSUME ME SHIP WHAT YOU WANT GIRLYPOPS.

Sollypauling

I have a crack headcanon that he's her father so that's put me off seeing them romantically haha

I wrote a fic about The Fathering once at 12am and im still not sure whether i hate it or not so don't read it just to be safe <3

Magic Missiles

DIVORCED!!! *autism creature confetti gif*

Jay Pinkerton (comic writer) allegedly reblogged MM art once. And he refuses to let their dynamic go in the comics. I.e. "the heart wants what the heart wants, Merasmus". Truly their biggest fan.

I love them i really do. Only slightly less toxic than fucking adminpauling imo, and thats like britney spears dootdootdootdootdootdootdootdoot bweebwahbweebwahbwahh levels of toxic

Maggot Bears

Based based utterly based fucking detergent levels of based and thats like 13 or something on the pH scale (i.e. Extremely Based)

They do in fact destory everything around them, proving my earlier hypothesis lol.

Idiot 4 Idiot. Dumbass 4 Dumbass. They both get naked to pee. I love them. I want to be them.

Again, bonus points when Demo is involved. Uwaaa.

I love the lack of consistent ship name for them. East meets West? Maggot Bears? Boots n Brawn? Zhannasolly? There's one involving honey as well but i forgor it and I've been typing so much I've got pins and needles in my left hand so i give up. Peace.

[restinpeacesensei]

traditional style 💖

[alamari-chibi]

life is so weird

[fifteensjukebox]

truly nothing like the girl i had a crush on in college (and in two separate conversations i suspected it might be mutual) posting from the beaches concert that leandra is an icon and also i found out s few days ago she and her bf just broke up

[exoscreamsoda]

we dont talk enough about how close kaisoo’s birthdays are

theyre quite literally the fated pair 🥺

theres only a single day separating both of them on January 13th which means all kaisoo supporters have a set day to celebrate their cute relationship :’)

the only thing that would make it better is if they were born in the same year! but i will pretend its like that because kai is kyungsoo’s gift 😌

if i was an astrology nerd i swear i would have so much to say but im not into that so.. well ITS FATE OK. the universe said so!

ok im done but really it’s brushed over too much, what other kpop ship has the perfect middle date 🥺

[naenaex0xx]

dungeon meshi to me is a show you watch before bed while drinking tea to feel nice

[muzzlemouths]

I noticed you made a new DnD character.

If you tell me about your favorite character build I’ll tell you mine 😁

Oh man I love making builds I probably couldn't pick just one...

The build of my most recent character (Althos "Lucky Snout" Marfras) is a halfling dragonborn, and follows the Luckiest Man Alive trope because I just had to have a character that gets through life on charisma and coincidence alone.

His background/race/class all combine to give him just stupid amounts of luck. Which is great because he has -1 Strength and a tendency of running headfirst into danger.

I haven't gotten a chance to use him in a campaign yet but I'm really really excited to.

If I had to pick a build that's already been used in a campaign, it'd be my favorite d&d character, Nikaia! A paladin Aasimar with a knack for healing and a patience without end (but which is constantly tested by their party members lol)

Their art is done by the wonderful @71eh

Unfortunately they never ran over Lvl 2 because they're kiiiiinda a stick-in-the-mud and the party they were a part of leans more towards silly times and memery so they didn't really fit in. They're still my favorite though <3 I'll find another campaign to put them in one of these days.

ANYWAY. I love making d&d characters lol. What's YOUR favorite? :D

[mikkouille]

you wouldnt think seeing this that just a dozen of quests ago i was enduring immense turmoil and even dare i say psychological torture

[saphrxn]

light blue dye is SO GOOD for shadowheart

[lelianaslefthand]

no one:

the devil on my shoulder: make another warlock tav

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[chisungie]

.

[spikeyjo]

*hangs out with friends* *liability by lorde plays in the bg everywhere i go* ahaha just ignore that it's nothing

*attempts a romantic relationship* *i bet on losing dogs plays in the bg everywhere we go* ahjaha just ignore that

*explores my sexuality in any form* *closer plays in the bg everywhere i go* HAHAHA JUST IGNORE THAT

[inbabylontheywept]

bad dating stories time: the shoe incident

so in highschool, my best friend wasnt allowed to go on dates unless there was another couple there to keep an eye on him. part of this was his parents being insane, but also, part of it was him being insane. in a problem with no reasonable parties, there are no reasonable solutions.

at some point in my junior year, my sorta-gf broke up with me, and i just wasnt feeling dating, which was bad for my friend, because he had a good thing going with a girl he met in court.

he kind of hounded me about it. kept pushing me to just put me feet back in the dating pool and i wasnt real thrilled about it, because i knew he was pushing me for his own benefit, not mine, so i kept telling him to fuck off, and after a few weeks of being told that i would date when i was damn well ready, he eventually said: okay. what if i paid for the date AND found you a blind date AND all you had to do was show up?

and i shouldve said no, i know, but i let him wear me down, and i will own my fault in that. a date starting on such a stupid premise could never have gone well.

but he still managed to find a way to make it worse.

i dont know how long he tried to set a blind date up. it couldve been multiple attempts. he couldve stooped to this immediately. but what happened in the end was that he called a girl from the ward he attended - a girl that he knew had a giant, mushy crush on him - and he said: hey! how would you feel about going on a date this weekend?

(you know, implying it was with him, but never actually saying it.)

and she said YES WOW I WOULD LOVE TO and he said great! and then he called me up and said he found me a date.

i did not learn about his crimes until several weeks later. i will die swearing before god almighty that i would never have allowed this travesty to happen if i had known.

that was on a monday. the date of the date rolled around that friday evening, and im sorry to confess, i really phoned the whole thing in. i showed up in my favorite comfy outfit, which was also a fashion crime: basketball shorts and flipflops and a baja hoodie. it was super comfy but it made me look kind of crazy. i picked him up first, and then i picked up his date next, and then we went to pick up my date, and thats where you're gonna get the play by play.

i arrived, walked across the yard, and knocked on the front door. she opened it almost immediately, like shed been waiting right by it, and i could see her expression go from OMG IM SO EXCITED to super disappointed, then disgusted and finally pissed. and because i didn't know about my friends sins, i thought it was from my outfit. which seemed... harsh. like, hey, im allowed to be quirky, fuck you. also its a blind date, i thought the deal was that we were both going to be sad broken sacks of mortality.

anyway, we looked at each other for several seconds before she slammed the door in my face.

i looked back at my friend. he was sweating bullets. i dont know what he expected from this, but there was this big long pause where we both tried to figure out what to do, and then the door opened up, and her dad invited me in, and he said she was gonna need a few minutes to finish getting ready, and that in the meantime we could sit and talk.

we did not talk. we did sit. i sat down on the couch, and he sat down in a chair across the couch, and then instead of talking he cleaned his pistol on the coffee table. i wasnt actually sure if it was a threat, or if it was just a fidget thing for 40+ year old republican men, but when i tried to help he got snappy so i just watched him put a pistol back together.

he was okay at it.

eventually my date came downstairs, still mad as hell for reasons beyond my ken, and i felt pretty guilty for being such a mess because i thought that was why she was so angry. i tried to make up for by walking her to the car and getting the door for her, just generally trying to be extra polite, but before i could make it back to the drivers side, her dad called me back to the door. so i flipped around, went to the door, and immediately regreted my decision.

soon as i was within range, her dad got waaaay too close to me, leaned in, and said "whatever you do to her, i will do to you," and my brain went into overdrive making three consecutive realizations.

realization one was, damn, the pistol thing was a threat. that sucks. what an asshole. realization two was, wait, im autistic and even i know theres a 0% chance me and my date even hold hands, least of all boink. does this guy actually think there's even a 1% chance of anyone in that car getting laid tonight? is he an idiot? and then realization three went through, which was wait, is this guy threatening to fuck me? and unfortunately, with my brain doing so much processing, my mouth was left to run amok, so somewhere between realization 2 and 3, i said:

"i can't get pregnant"

which, i swear, wasn't actually me trying to be a smartass, it was just me pointing out that he couldn't actually follow up on that threat. it just wasn't possible. we do not live in the omegaverse and im not scared of you.

still, it was an insanely catastrophic thing to say, and the moment we both heard it, we bluescreened. that single sentence obliterated both of our momentary streams of consciousness like a saltine in front of a sand blaster. problem was, he'd probably gone his whole life not even realizing someone could say something that stupid, and making that realization was going to cost him a lot of thinking time. me though? i had been saying shit like that for 17 years, i didnt have to rewrite my expectations of human nature, i just had to plan an exit and start striding. so i was already halfway back to the car before i heard "hey. hey come back. Hey. Hey. HEY. HEY WAIT. HEY GET BACK HERE. HEY-"

and then i was in my car, and i drove away.

if this happened today, he'd have called her, and the whole thing wouldve imploded then and there, but back then, there were still a decent number of teenagers without cell phones. especially the teenagers of insane, gun toting parents. so she just said: whoa what was that all about? and i said: dont worry about it, he'll tell you about it when you get home.

and she said: ok and went back to staring daggers at me and my friend.

WHICH SURPRISINGLY isnt even how the story ends.

we went to an improv comedy show, and it was a disaster. it shouldve been like, 7/10 tops, but between my date being mad, and my friend having a good time, and me having the existential terror of knowing that a guy with a pistol was probably waiting outside his house for me to come back, it was easily 11/10. i laughed way too hard at everything. especially the jokes that flopped. id sit there in this mostly silent room and laugh until i dry heaved a little, and my date was absolutely disgusted, and even my friend was a little embarrassed, which would just make me laugh harder. i laughed so hard that night i could barely talk the next day. and then the show ended, and my friend said, you know, that was a good time, but i think we should maybe do something a little chiller? who wants to walk around the park? and his date said yeah, and my date said no, and i finally had mercy on the poor woman so i said, look, im gonna drop you off. and i am so, so sorry about this, but im dropping you off like a block away. super duper sorry.

do talk to your dad about the pistols thing if you dont want this happening more in the future tho.

and she said: okay. so i dropped her off, and she walked a block down, and that was that.

then i drove my friend and his date to a park that was good for wandering. i figured they wanted something more private, so instead of following them around point blank, i chose a park with this 30 foot rope tower, and i climbed to the top and i said: hey i can see you anywhere from up here, you are officially chaperoned from a distance. get panopticoned idiot. except my friend really is an idiot, and he didnt really get the whole 'now i dont have to third wheel so insanely hard with you guys' thing so he climbed up the tower too, and then his date followed behind him, so there are three people basically sitting together on top of a telephone pole.

and then they started making out.

i was close enough to hear it.

i didnt really know what to do so i was just kind of sitting there, dissociating, when some college kids came around and started shaking the tower. my friend's date went aaaaaaaaaa im afraid of heights :( and my friend went oh, dont worry, ill hold you tight ;) and i went hey, im gonna climb down and ask them to stop.

so i did climb down, and i did ask them to stop, and they flipped me off, which i wasnt even mad about. at that point i was i was like yeah, it would be weirder if this wasnt a mess. gods plan has been to fly this day like a 747 into my metaphorical twin towers and brother he is close enough for me to see him grinning through the cockpit window. still, eventually the college students got bored, so they climbed up the tower, which gave my friend and his date a window to climb down, and together we walked back to my car.

now, i cant explain why this is, but sitting back in the drivers seat was my carriage-back-into-a-pumpkin moment. i'd been chill about all the chaos, just rolling with the punches, but sitting down made me realize how much of a shitshow the day had been, and while i couldnt go back and fix all of it, i could go back and fix one thing.

so i told my friend and his date, hey, you two, stay here and don't do anything weird. don't. then i walked back to the rope tower, and i started picking up the shoes the college students had left at the base in order to climb.

about halfway through this, i realized that if i took all their shoes, they might think i was in it for the money, and i actually wanted them to know i was in it specifically to spite them. fuck those guys. so i put all the right shoes back, gave myself a 100 foot headstart, yelled "nice shoes, assholes", did a little jig, and started running.

my advice to everyone is that college students are faster than you think. even with the headstart, and the whole climb down the tower thing, i was still only fivish seconds ahead of them by the time i got to my car. i flung the door open, looked in the backseat, didnt see anyone, flung the stolen shoes in the backseat, heard two "ow"s, took that as proof of presence, jumped in and pealed out of the lot.

my friend and his date popped up a few seconds later. they were, uh, doing something weird in the back seat. my one request - obliterated.

they climbed up to ask where the hell all the shoes had come from, and i was like yeah i stole them from the college students, and they were like oh. cool. hope you had fun. and i was like, i did. i did. but speaking of fun, what were you doing back there?

and for the first time in my buddies life, i think he was actually embarassed.

[krawdad]

13 foot home depot skeleton has some competition