#and ill never fucking know why. lol. nobody ever told me when i was being rude or making people uncomfortable!! you know i cant pick up

[seeraplimau]

Mood: I am very very very sleep and tired.

Writing this just a way of escapism, you could say. I have like a lot of list in my brain to do but when you're sleepy, it just dooze. Masalahya I AM TIRE ALL THE TIME. So all of the list dah berhabuk since September :')

BRB chugging my vitamin B as we're speaking lol.

Life sucks, you live then you die. Though the intermission in between determine what kind of death you'd enjoy. Were you nice to your friends? Have the encounter between you and a stranger bringing good impact to the world? Talking about stranger, I am still suck at saying morning to people. I don't know, I guess where I am, greeting strangers is not very ideal. We all looks normal inside but god forbid what we did the last 2 hours. I stumbled to an old tweet where a guy was practicing black magic in his apartment. He look like any other guy you walk passed by honestly. So, maybe I was just being paranoid and project this view to everyone I see on daily basis. Maybe. Today as I was walking to my work, I smiled a bit, like not even a proper smile to the guy sat next to my workplace and he said something to me(?) like I tak dengar actually. Probably, "kerja sini ke?" something like that. And it kinda, make me uncomfortable??? hahahaha cannot explain. That question only acceptable from the makcik who you always see every morning tbh. Like I'd answer them genuinely. I wish man would learn more manner and idk shame. Make Matriarchy a thing!!

I saw on news about a former badminton player who post an Islamophobic statement. I think it sad, sad that we still leave in a prejudice nation. Few weeks ago, a hockey player got suspended for a racial comments too. Sad. I do feel like it a deserve action. Racism shouldn't be excused. But, an equal teach of why slur shouldn't be used should also be implemented. Maybe we have, in sivik's class, but we should make it more exclusively to Malaysian. Why this slur is bad and so on. I don't think anyone ever told me professionally why I shouldn't call anyone k*ling. YES NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THAT. I just learn that it would hurt people, common sense-ly. Empathy. Would I be glad being called that? Does people have ill attention by calling me that? What is the root problem that I 'have' to say the word? I ask myself that. The 'war' between nation of SEA, specifically between Malaysia and Indonesia is a never ending. People shouting "ind*n balik rumah" is like a common thing you hear. It sad. Saying this why lavishly eating your nasi geprek. Hipokrit. We should, have more empathy. Towards ourselves and people surround us. After all, we all, is all we have.

Changed. I do think it's unfair for us to judge someone act, especially if it something they did 5 years ago. 5 years ago was not long, but so many thing could shift. So many. You can still see the line for social distance purpose on eateries. Fascinating. Yah on people, we change, and god forbid us to get dox over something we did in the past. I said racist thing in the past, but for the love of god I was 14. Why are you picking a fight with a kid. Thus, I always find myself to excuse someone action that they did in the past. Sometimes, well most of the time I dont care lorh, so cam whats the point. BUT some action I cannot just forgive is bullying. I hate kids who bully each other sooo much. Tak kesah-lah they have a fuck up childhood ke, to the point they're acting "alpha'. I hate them and I would never forgive anyone who did that. I don't think forgivable is something we all should aim for. We connect, say sorry, and if the person not going to forgive you, we should just move one. We don't deserve someone forgiveness honestly. Nobody do. I remember one of case at my high school, a girl pretend to be a boy to ask some inappropriate picture from her girl classmates. That is fuck up. Even from a 16 years old brain, I know it's not a right thing to do. What a sickos. Fuck her.

[werewolfmob]

[plume-pigmented-pili]

Hey hey! here’s a little something I wrote for Eli a few months ago. They convinced me i should post it, so here i am lol

———

Tw: Descriptions of a Cold, sickness (non graphic), feelings unwanted, coughing, headaches, misunderstandings, hurt/comfort. Let me know if I need to add more!

Words: 5.2k

Pairing: Prinxiety (Written as Romantic but could be read as platonic i guess)

“Virgil is miserable. Its the middle of the night, and Virgil is stuck in bed, unable to sleep, with a horrible cold. The actual cold isn’t why he’s miserable, though.

Is it selfish to want to be cared for?”

—

Through Sickness and Health

Virgil could hear the clock on the opposite wall ticking just a tad too fast, and didn’t need to even look over at it to know it was way too late to be awake. Sure, he didn’t have the best sleep schedule, but at least he was usually enjoying himself when he stayed up, and it was rarely this late. It wasn’t even his fault this time.

But here Virgil was, laying in bed curled under all the blankets he owned, wishing he was dead. On paper, that sounds a lot worse than it really was, but who could blame him? The sweet release of death sounded like heaven compared to suffering here any longer. His throat was sandpaper dry, nose clogged with snot, and what felt like a small bomb went off in his skull with every movement.

That, though, wasn’t the main reason he was suffering.

He’d been sick before, he knew it would be over soon, but no physical pain could compare to the hurt he felt, knowing that the others knew of his illness, and didn’t give a single damn.

There was no way they didn’t know what was happening - even if he’d tried to hide it, which he hadn’t, it’s not like acting was ever his specialty - but not a single one of them had batted an eye since he came down with this stress induced cold.

Well, that wasn’t completely true. Patton had asked if he was feeling alright on day two, when Virgil had shuffled downstairs around three in the afternoon to grab a snack, hoodie flipped up as he dug around, his hands clearly shaky from fever yet he’d been too tired to try and hide it. He’d told Patton, in the least shaky voice he could muster, that he just wasn’t feeling very well.

In hindsight, it had probably been incredibly selfish of him to expect Patton to come to his aid and comfort him, maybe offer to tuck him in on the couch and make him something healthy to eat. He’d seen Patton do just that plus more when Logan or Roman were feeling under the weather after all. But despite knowing it was selfish, he couldn’t help the disappointment and sinking feeling he’d felt when Patton had simply responded with a gentle, almost pitying, “I’m sorry kiddo, thank you for telling me.” before walking away rather hurriedly, leaving it there.

The conversation rolled around in his head, as it had been for the past 5 days. Nobody had come to check on him, not even the resident fatherly side to see if he was feeling any better. He’d been downstairs one other time since that little exchange with Patton, but when he’d walked in on Roman and Logan talking casually in the living room, they’d both given him short, obviously forced smiles, and sunk out. That’d been on day three, and Virgil hadn’t gone back down there since. He wasn’t that hungry anyway.

Maybe they didn’t want to get sick? Or maybe they thought he was gross, and didn’t want to be near him. Did they think he would be rude to them?

All this thinking was making Virgil’s head hurt more. And it really didn’t matter the reason. They didn’t care, they clearly wanted to avoid him.

It hurt, worse than his actual sickness, having to stay away from everyone for days on end. It reminded him of the old days before he was accepted, when he wasn’t welcome anywhere else but the confinement of his room. He missed Patton’s warm greeting each time he walked into a room, or the rants Logan would get lost in that were strangely so calming. Most notably, though, he missed Roman.

He missed their stupid banter that always left him feeling more confident, and the never ending singing that Virgil pretended not to adore. Hell, he missed just talking to the creative side. He’d give anything just to have a conversation with him, just to lift his spirits a little. He longed for one of the warm, solid hugs that only Roman could give.

He would probably even give up his Disney posters, his entire MCR song library, or get banned from every Hot Topic in the country, just to be held and cuddled right at this moment. To be held in warm, secure arms, wrapped in the scent of cinnamon and roses, and drift to sleep knowing he wouldn’t be alone in the morning.

That last one had about a zero percent chance of happening, even if he wasn’t sick and contagious, but Virgil’s sleep deprived, fever ridden brain had decided to be sentimental, and Virgil couldn’t even stop it. At least he wasn’t gone enough to consider asking for any of that comfort he craved. it’d be easier for everyone to just wait in his room until he was better. Then maybe things would be normal again.

And that was his plan, until someone knocked on his door.

The anxious side’s gaze shot over to the clock, grimacing when the quick movement made his eyeballs throb. Who the Hell was knocking on his door at nearly 3:45 in the morning?

“Who-“ Virgil cringed at how his gravely voice broke, cleared his throat, then tried again. “Who is it?”

“I knew you were awake!” Romans voice, surprisingly enough, came from the other side of the door. He was clearly trying to stay quiet, but for some reason, he sounded really… relieved, and chipper. A second later, the Prince added a bit more bashfully, “Uh, unless i just woke you up by knocking, and if that’s the case I sincerely apologize, I didn’t mea-“

“No, I w’s already awake…” Virgil interrupted with a slight slur, groggy brain trying to keep up with what was happening. Being the embodiment of Anxiety, though, meant he didn’t get to stop being anxious just because he was sick. Why was he here? Was he angry? Virgil couldn’t recall doing anything that could offend anyone since he’d been self-quarantined, but then again, he couldn’t really remember his last name at the moment either. He mumbled to himself as he untangled his legs from the covers, cursing the universe under his breath because his head felt two times it’s normal size. Then he took a deep breath and sat up. He didn’t want to make Roman uncomfortable or grossed out seeing him all sick in bed, cause holy shit would that be embarrassing. He still didn’t look great, but it was a small step. “Come in Pr’ncey.”

The door swung open, revealing a timid, bed headed Roman, who seemed to relax a little when noticing Virgil sitting up in bed. “Hey there.. sorry to barge in, I hope i’m not bothering you.” he said, voice still lowered and really quite gentle as he shut the door behind him.

Virgil went to shake his head, but stopped himself before he could cause himself fucking brain damage and just shrugged instead. “ y’re not both’ring me. ‘sup?” yikes, all this sitting up and trying to look presentable business was making him realize how exhausted he was. His eyelids felt heavy already.

Roman took a few steps forward, keeping his eyes steadily on Virgil like he was waiting for him to keel over and die, or cough on him. It seemed pretty damn dramatic, even for Roman. “I… just wanted to check on you. I’ve uh, been a little worried about you, and i couldn’t sleep.” The Prince said, hesitant as he lowered himself on the foot of the bed.

Virgil blinked a few times, curling his legs up so his knees were to his chest to make sure Roman wouldn’t touch his feet under the 5 layers of blankets he had over him. Or maybe it was the sudden, treacherous hope that was rising in him, a hope he was trying to stifle. Roman was… worried about him? Roman of all sides? I mean, he wasn’t surprised that he cared, he and Roman were friends now after all. Virgil was just surprised he cared about this. He thought they were all in agreement to avoid him or something.

Virgil was about to open his mouth and say… something - he didn’t really know what he was going to say. It felt like his train of thought was chugging along through molasses - but he was interrupted before he could get any words out.

“Dude… no offense, but you look like actual death. And why in the name of Hades are you buried under so many blankets?” The Prince asked with what sounded like genuine confusion, at least for the second part.

Virgil huffed and pulled the blankets tighter around him, the movement causing him to shiver. He couldn’t decide what to focus on; The cold air on his back, the rising sensation of relief knowing Roman cared, or how weird that question had been. Quite honestly, Virgil wasn’t offended because he knew he looked like shit. he was just a little confused. He thought Roman would have known he’d look like shit. “What do you mean why do I have so many blankets. I literally feel like ’m freezing to death. ’s part of the package, shouldn’t you know this?” He practically deadpanned, not even for the snarkiness like usual. His speech was just dull.

But that only left Roman looking more confused, and probably a good deal more concerned if his expression was anything to go by. “I-... I didn’t know that, no.. I’m sorry. Do you want another blanket or something…?” he asked carefully, still awfully and almost painfully cautious.

And Virgil… was at a loss for how this could possibly be new information to Roman. it was pretty common knowledge even if you’ve never had a fever before. But instead of dwelling, Virgil once again stopped himself from shaking his head, sighing instead. “No, it won’ help.” he said shortly. The effort would be futile, but it was endearing that Roman at least asked. “Thanks though. That’s.. really nice of you t’ offer.” The anxious side offered a bit more quietly.

There was an awkward silence that followed, Roman shuffling his feet against the carpet slightly as he looked around the room. Virgil saw the other’s eyes catch on the pile of used tissues in the floor, another bout of confusion flashing in his bright green eyes, but he didn’t mention it this time. Maybe it was a lack of sleep making the Prince act so clueless at the moment. “I… I guess i’ve just.. i don’t know, everything is more boring without you around. Nobody to insult without actually offending them.” Roman spoke again after a moment, sending a half smile in Virgil’s direction.

A little smirk matched with a snort is what the Prince was rewarded with, Virgil's spirits lifted regardless of his misery. It felt nice knowing he was missed, and it made his chest warm knowing it was coming from Roman. For some reason, knowing he could make things more bearable for his counterpart was.. rewarding, in a way. And Roman looked proud of himself, before he continued a bit more solemnly. “You’ve been cooped up in here for so long, like what, 5 says now?”

That got Virgil to sigh, and maybe there was some defensiveness laying beneath the surface, made worse thanks to being miserable, but all he managed was a mildly annoyed side eye to Roman as he responded in a mumble, still doing his best not to run Roman off. “‘t’s not my fault.”

Roman was quick to shake his head, slight guilt in his expression. “I know! I-I’m not trying to make you feel bad, i guess i just- i don’t know, i’m just talking out loud… sorry.” Roman’s voice had quieted, eyes trained on the floor somewhat shamefully as he seemed to search for his words. “I just.. I just wish…” but once again, he trailed off, shaking his head and seeming to give up. “I’m sorry.”

“‘s fine, Princey.” Virgil mumbled back, eyes dropping to his lap where he picked at a loose string on his bedspread. Another silence followed, Virgil trying to sniffle as silently as he could. Despite how weird this interaction had been so far, and how slightly awkward it’s gotten, Virgil was honestly just trying to soak in the mere presence of another side while it lasted. He’d never liked being alone for so long. His stomach was starting to hurt for a reason aside from sickness. This sure was a good way to get Roman to leave early, the others were probably right for leaving him alone so far.

Suddenly, Virgil squeezed the blankets in his fist to try and stop a sudden tickle in his throat, the sensation coming out of nowhere. Unfortunately though, his instincts won out just seconds later as he was forced to cough, the sound gargled and gross even when he covered the whole bottom half of his face with his covers. Dammit, dammit, stupid fucking cough. And Roman just got there too. He wasn’t ready for the creative side to leave again yet.

“S- Sorry, sorry ‘bout that. Shit.” He mumbled rather quickly, hoping to by just a few minutes longer of the creative side’s company before it was taken away again for who knows how long. His head felt like it was being split open, no thanks to the effort it took to cough. Who the Hell’s idea was sickness? They should be fired.

Much to his surprise though, when Virgil hesitantly looked up to gauge how put off Roman was by his display, he only saw an overwhelming about of worry, but even more importantly, alarm.

“Apologies, but is this like- normal??” Roman asked with eyes noticeably wider, studying Virgil's pained expression, hunched over posture, the mess of dirty tissues around, and the way the bright numbers of his digital clock on his nightstand was covered carefully, with a washcloth no doubt.

Virgil drew in a deep, slow breath through his nose as he rubbed on his temples to try and alleviate some pain, eyes closed and head tilted down. Roman’s ridiculous questions were just making his headache worse, and honestly he didn’t even understand how the Hell he was so confused. Was this his plan? To come in here and confuse Virgil and his already incapacitated brain? ‘Cause if so, he was doing a brilliant job. “Roman, what the hell are you talking about.”

It came out less like a question, more like a very tired statement, but he was answered with confused stammering, Roman gesturing almost desperately to Virgil and his state. “What do you mean what am I talking about?? Dude, you’re clearly not doing well. I mean, I wasn’t gonna bring it up, but you’re sweating like a sinner in church, you’re covered in a thousand blankets, you were just hacking up a lung and you’re barely able to speak right from, what i’m assuming, is a nose full of mucus!”

“Yeah, okay, I get it. I look like shit, Pr’ncey, enough said.” Virgil snapped, glaring up at Roman and accidentally moving his head up to look at him too fast, sending a flare of agony through his skull. He cursed under his breath and winced, but powered through it even as Roman lifted a hand to- to what, help? It didn’t matter, Virgil moved away from the effort. “No, don’t touch me, alright? I don’t wan’ your pity.”

Virgil knew all of this was coming out more aggressive than he ever would allow if he was feeling himself. Hell, even now he was begging himself to just shut up and stay calm. But after almost 2 full days with no sleep, and 5 days of nonstop pain, coughing, being unable to breath properly, the feeling of fire in his throat every time he tried to eat, and then on top of that, being shunned by the 3 people he wanted- needed, more than anything. Well, he really couldn’t stop his composure from cracking and shattering.

Roman looked ready to respond, seemingly struck with more pity than before, but Virgil’s hand shot up to stop him. “I don’t want to hear it, Princey. Why the Hell are you even here anyway? If you’ve missed me so much, why did you wait 5 f’cking days to come see me? T’ come ‘check on me’? And, by th’ way, so far you’ve really only been fucking with me and making me feel worse, so in reality it probably would ‘ve been better had you just kept up your streak of avoiding me like ev’ryone else!”

Virgil was breathing heavily, head pounding and lungs burning after raising his voice just a bit too much at the end of his rant. He replayed the words back in his mind, heart sinking when he realized how aggressive he’d gotten. He couldn’t slow down his breathing, why couldn’t he slow his breathing?? Jesus christ, he wasn’t about to break down on top of all that other shit he just unleashed. Perfect, he was just proving the other side’s point for them.

With his body now starting to shake, jaw clenched to hold back tears because this week has been bullshit, and he felt like curling up and disappearing, if not to escape his aching body then to at least escape the anger he knew would result from that whole verbal meltdown he just had. Obviously Roman would be leaving, but would he yell first? Tell him how annoying and selfish he was, and how he didn’t get to be a huge asshole just because he was feeling a little under the weather? Or would he leave in silence, just exit the room with that silent, cold anger that Roman only showed when he was really upset.

Maybe he’d tell everyone else what happened, how he’d tried to extend an olive branch, test it out just to see if maybe his illness hadn’t made him into a pathetic prick, but Virgil lashed out as expected and ran him off. Would Logan and Patton get mad at him too? Come in and tell him off for being so horrible to his own family, that he couldn’t even be a decent person for 5 minutes.

Maybe things wouldn’t go back to normal even after he’s recovered, all because he couldn’t just control himself.

“Virgil, what are you talking about?” Roman asked exasperated, and Virgil dragged his hands down his face. He meant to make more of a growl in frustration, but it came out closer to a pained whine. His eyes stung for a new reason now. He just wanted this to stop. Why wouldn’t Roman just stop?

“What. What am I talking about what. I can’t do this- this whole vague shit righ’now, jus’ spit it out.” He hated how short tempered he was sounding, but Roman didn’t seem to be fazed. Virgil could see the Prince waving his hands around in his peripheral, looking tongue tied.

“The- The part where you think i’m fucking with you?? Why you think we’re avoiding you?? Why you’re so-... so….” Roman trailed off, a look of realization crossing his face, which quickly turned to horror and guilt. “Wait a… w-wait a second, Virgil, are you- are you sick??”

To say Roman sounded appalled would be an understatement, his eyes wide in shock, brows drawn, mouth slightly agape. Virgil’s head spun, suddenly dizzy as his brain tried to figure out why Roman sounded so horrified- why he sounded so surprised. He couldn’t stand it, he couldn’t understand what was going on. He felt nauseous and he just wanted to sleep. Before he knew it, tears were trekking down his face, thick tears springing from his eyes making the pressure behind them even more unbearable. A sob tore painfully from his throat, instantly catching the Prince’s full attention.

“Oh my… Virgil-“

Virgil shrunk away from the Prince’s voice, curling up once more into a ball, trying to hide from everything. His lip wobbled, he could feel it, but he was too tired to be embarrassed or feel pathetic. He pulled the covers closer around him. “R-Roman, please jus’-“ He hiccuped on a sob, hissed through his teeth as the action sent a sharp pain through his lungs. “I don’ know i-if you’re tryin’ to joke ‘r somethin’, but— but ’s n- not funny, o-okay?”

Instead of speaking clearly at a normal volume, Virgil was nearly mumbling the entire time he was speaking, slurring through words even worse than when the conversation started. Was it just him, or was the room spinning? “Please, i… i need you t’...” Virgil huffed for breath, exhaustion wearing on him like a switch was just suddenly flipped. It nearly took all his energy to try and get a deep breath.

“Ro…”

Virgil was met with a warm, broad chest, and strong arms wrapping around him before he even knew he was slumping forward. His ears were ringing, drowning out what sounded like a familiar voice speaking to him. They sounded distressed, he hoped they were okay. What was combing through his hair? He couldn’t quite remember what was going on before then, but all he knew was, he was safe now.

Then, the world went dark.

———

Virgil came into consciousness a little while later, his brain the kind of blissfully empty that only comes after passing out, apparently. He couldn’t grasp where he was before, existing in a reality where there is no past for a few moments. His head was vaguely aching, like a dull throb faded into the background, and his lungs stung only a little when he breathed in deeply. In his sleepy state though, Virgil didn’t concern himself with those feelings.

Virgil couldn’t see anything, he noticed not long after, but he could hear murmuring and the distant sound of water running.

Next, he realized he knew he wasn’t in his own room anymore, both because this wasn’t his mattress, and the room didn’t smell like his own.

He could smell.. cinnamon… and peaches… and ink. Somewhere in his groggy brain, Virgil recognized the smell, but at the moment it was just out of his reach. It didn’t bother him, though, not when he was so relaxed and calm. He felt like he was one with the bed, and the soft, fluffy sheets encasing him.

A few more seconds of coming to, and Virgil realized his eyes were covered with something damp, and cool… soft too. It felt amazing against his warm skin. oh right, i’m sick, a thought entered his mind gently.

Then, a lot less gently, the events from before he passed out rushed to the forefront of his mind, practically smacking him in the face. Because yes, he’d passed out, right in front of Roman like an idiot, oh shit, why isn’t he in his room, where is he-

“Virgil? Hey woah, calm down buddy- here,” Virgil heard someone quickly cross the room, and tended his body for all of two seconds before the washcloth over his eyes was being lifted.

Virgil blinked blearily, squinting his eyes even though the room was almost completely shrouded in darkness, save for a thin line of light coming from the cracked bathroom door. Someone was sat beside him on the side of the bed, but he was too blurry for Virgil to make out details.

“There you are. Hey Hot Topic, how are you feeling?” the person asked, speaking more gently than anyone had spoken to Virgil in a long time. Strangely though, Virgil wasn’t upset by it. It was.. nice…

Wait a minute, he knew that voice.

“R- Roman..? I.. Where…?” Distantly, Virgil knew he sounded like shit, which meant he probably looked like shit, and directly after asking that half assed question, he realized he had to be in the Princes room. “Oh.. fuckin’- I passed out on you..” he groaned, moving his hands up to scrub the blurriness from his eyes.

It worked, surprisingly, and now that Virgil could see, he realized that yes, Roman was the one sitting next to him, and yes he was in Roman’s room, in Roman’s bed. He also noticed how tossed Roman’s hair was, and the bright red with little snowmen pajamas the Prince wore. They were really adorable.

“Yes, I’m afraid you did.. and I’m also afraid that I am partly to blame for it.” Roman sighed, casting his eyes down as he pressed his lips in a line.

Virgil’s brows drew together, and, because he was so delirious, he reached out to grab gently at Romans sleeve. “How is it your fault that I passed out?” he asked incredulously. At least he could speak properly now. Now? Now since when? Oh geez, “Wait how long have I been out? A few hours? Days? Years?! Did I fall into a coma?!”

The corner of Roman’s lip lifted in amusement, and he gently lay a hand over Virgil’s, on his sleeve. “No, no nothing like that, Dark Knight. It’s only been an hour or so. I.. hope you don’t mind, but I had to bring you in here. Your fever was… really high.” The Prince of Creativity said, solemn by the end.

“I think i’ve managed to get it down, so it’s not so dangerous anymore, but Logan will definitely have to keep an eye on it today.”

That got Virgil's attention. “Wait- Logan? Uh.. yeah, not to burst your bubble Princey, but I doubt that’ll be happening.” There was a slight bitterness to his tone as he wrapped his free arm around his midsection, and though there wasn’t as much bitterness as there usually would be, Roman still picked up on it loud and clear.

He inclined his head, as if in agreement, and Virgil stomach only sunk a little bit before Roman was speaking again.

“That’s where you’re wrong, Virgil. You see, there seems to have been a grave misunderstanding. This is how I’m partially responsible for your passing out, same as Logan and Patton are also partly to blame.”

Virgil’s eyes widened, breath hitching at the sheer ridiculousness of that suggestion. No!! How could it be their fault? He’s the one that got so sick and couldn’t keep himself healthy enough not to fucking pass out. He opened his mouth to say as much, but Roman held up a finger before he could get out a single word, silencing him.

“A few days ago, 5 to be exact, it came to Patton’s attention that you weren’t feeling yourself. He told me and Logan that you told him you weren’t feeling very well, and that we should all give you some space the next few days.” Roman said carefully. Ah yes, that conversation. The one that’s haunted Virgil for nearly a week. Virgil remembered it well.

With a hesitant, still very lost nod from Virgil, Roman continued. “It seems that Patton, and in turn, Logan and I, assumed that your strange behavior was linked to.. well, anxiety.” He gave Virgil’s hand a light squeeze, any sign of a smile gone and replaced with pained regret. The Prince swallowed, just as Virgil pieced it together.

“Because of these more stressful times Thomas is experiencing, we wrongly thought that you were having a rough week, leading to worse anxiety. So… we’ve been leaving you on your own, thinking we were helping you..”

Virgil.. didn’t know what to say. He looked up and found Roman’s red, sorrowful eyes. When he focused, he could see they were just a little bit bloodshot, even in the dark. Proof that he had previously cried, no doubt about this. When Virgil didn’t speak, still too shocked as his slowed brain processes this, Roman continued, quietly choking back a sob just after he averted his gaze to the floor.

“V-Virgil-“ he voice cracked. Virgil’s heart was sinking in his chest. Roman had never looked so heartbroken. “Virgil I’m so sorry, I had no idea you were sick, none of us did! I-I swear I didn’t know, I would have never left you alone if I had, Virgil, Star, i’m so so s-sorry,”

Roman was practically full on crying by that point, though he clearly tried to keep it to himself and stay quiet. Virgil was grateful for the effort, but there were much more important things to focus on at the moment. He may not be completely himself, but he still couldn’t let Roman be so sad.

It was because he wasn’t completely himself that Virgil automatically sat up (taking his time to do so, trying not to upset his head), and leaned himself right against Roman, chest to chest, looping his arms around to loosely hold Princey in a hug.

It all made sense now, why he’d been ignored all week, and why nobody came to check on him or try to help. He felt a little (read: a lot) stupid for thinking that anyone in his famILY would do anything but show him the upmost care and attention when he needed it. They thought they were helping, and honestly, had he in fact been having a bad week of heightened anxiety, giving him space would have been the right thing for them to do.

Roman was quick to return Virgil’s hug, though to his credit, his hug was a lot stronger and more secure than Virgil’s. He buried his face in Virgil’s hair, a steady stream of teary apologies spilling from him. A steady stream that Virgil hastily tried to end.

“Roman, it’s okay… i’m not upset, I promise it’s okay. I know you were doing what you thought would help me. Please don’t cry, Princey.” He said softly.

It might have been a few more minutes, or a few hours, that the two sides sat together in each other’s arms. Roman’s cries and apologies slowly quieted to a stop, though the gentle combing of fingers through Virgil’s hair only continued as they sat.

“Hey… Roman?” Virgil whispered after a few more moments, the whole mindscape quiet, save for the quiet sniffles from both Virgil and Roman every once in a while.

“Yes, sweet Midnight?” came an equally gentle response. Neither side moved, Virgil too content with his face snuggly buried against his counterpart’s shoulder, and Roman too content with having Anxiety safe in his arms.

“Would… well, you can say no, but would you mind.. if I stay in here..? I don’t… really want to be alone…” a hint of Virgil’s usual anxious tendencies showed itself despite the tiredness that was starting to cover the darker side. Instead of head-swimming exhaustion though, this time Virgil felt pleasantly heavy and relaxed.

Without uttering another word, Roman pulled them both down to lay their heads on the pillows, lifting one hand to gently flick his wrist and manipulate the covers around them. The light in the bathroom turned off with a soft click of Roman’s fingers, one that Virgil hardly registered as he shuffled somehow closer to the Prince, still tucked safely in his arms.

As he fell softly and smoothly into the first restful sleep he’s had in days, Virgil noticed that he wasn’t freezing cold anymore. The dull throb in his head had gone away almost entirely, and it felt that much easier to breathe. But most importantly, Virgil felt less alone than he had in a long, long time.

Needless to say, Virgil was feeling better already.

[eberles]

i hate u, i love u

Rafe Cameron

(gif by @toesure :)

Request: A Rafe fic based on the song “I hate u, I love you” by gnash (ft Olivia O’Brien) PLEASE MAJOR RAFE VIBES 🥺💖 @fav-imagines

A/N: I wanted to cry writing this lol idk why but it hit me right in the feels!! it’s kind of all over the place, if anyone is confused by, don’t worry bc i am too!!!! lol anyways enjoy!! (this is probably the first thing ive ever written that goes with rafe’s character) bold = lyrics, italics = flashbacks

Warnings: angst, mentions of drugs, cheating, lying, toxic relationship, swearing

feelin used, but im still missin you and i cant see the end of it just wanna feel your kiss against my lips and now all this time is passing by, but i still cant seem to tell you why it hurts me every time i see you, realize how much i need you

I’ve spent months sitting in my room staring at the ceiling, and at the walls. I did a full Bella Swan from New Moon and let 3 months go by without being present for any of them. I didn’t care honestly...Even after spending all that time alone, i’m not still not healed from the heartache that was caused by him. I still miss him, his scent, his kisses, his clothes, everything. Rafe.

I went out once and he was the last person I wanted or planned to see, but of course, he was the only person I actually saw. Sure, there were other people around, but none of them mattered. Everyone else felt greyed out except for him. He was the only light I could see in those short moments. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion, my breath hitched in my throat and it felt like there was no air left to breathe.

After months it still hurts to see him again. It hurts because I realized I still need him even after everything. I hate him. So why do I love him? The feeling of him being the only one I want, the one nobody could ever replace...it’s overwhelming and I can’t seem to shake it. But me? He replaced. It looked like it was easy from my point of view. He needed her, wanted her, and i’m not her.

i miss you when i can’t sleep or right after coffee or right when i can’t eat, i miss you in my front seat, still got sand in my sweaters from nights we don’t remember. do you miss me like i miss you? fucked around and got attached to you.

My head was consumed on thoughts of you. It was constant. Like the leaky faucet in the bathroom or the loose floorboard. Always running, always broken. I miss you. Maybe you’ll come around, but for now...I wish you were here instead. When it’s late and I can’t sleep, I think about you. When it’s early and I can’t eat, I think about you.

“Where are we going?” you giggled excitedly, grabbing my hand from across the console in my truck.

“Shh, I told you it’s a surprise baby, we’re almost there anyways.” I laughed at her giggling like a kid, she had so much excitement in her eyes. She was always ready for anything, even if it was 2 in the morning and I love that about her. I love everything about her.

“Ugh fine!” she groaned dramatically and rolled her eyes in a full circle looking up at the ceiling. “Why are we at the beach?” you didn’t even give me enough time to answer before jumping out of the truck and running towards the sand laughing the entire way to the water. Once I caught up with you, I grabbed your hands and pulled you close into my chest, kissing your forehead. When we broke apart I laid down a few blankets on the sand, noticing you were cold, I also gave you my sweater.

We stared at the stars and talked about anything and everything for hours. It felt magical. We stayed until the sun came up, watching the sunset before driving back to my house for some much needed rest.

Walking over to my closet, curious to know if that same sweater ended up back in my closet after that night. I reached in, digging around not finding anything and decided to look in my dresser instead. Of course, it was folded neatly in the drawer you used to call yours. Grabbing and shaking it out I noticed the light pieces of sand that fell from it. I brought it in to my nose wondering if it still smelt like your perfume. It did. I’m always tired lately, but never of you. Do you miss me too?

if i pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit, i put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit. i type a text then i never mind that shit, i got these feelings, but you never mind that shit. you’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know.

To Y/N: i wanna talk, i think...maybe i miss y-

*delete*

To Rafe: I miss you so much, it hurt someti-

*delete*

“Y/N...what’s going on? You’re off in never never land! Do you still miss him?” Kiara asked, gently shaking my knee to gain my attention back to the group. I looked at her and around at the rest of the pogues and put a smile on my face, shaking my head.

“Of course not, it’s been months! I’m so over him, guys. Besides even if I did, it wouldn’t matter.” I tried so hard to sound confident. I hope they bought it. Of fucking course, I miss Rafe. I’m still in love with him for gods sake. I hate that I want him.

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

Sure, i’ve moved on, but I think about y/n, just about everyday. I guess for me, moving on is finding someone new, but not actually wanting anyone new. I just couldn’t bare to be alone anymore with my thoughts. I deserve better than that, personally.

“Anyways Topper, if y/n wanted me still, she would say so right?” I looked at Topper, silently hoping he would lie to me, just tell me what I want to hear, man. “If I were her, I would’ve never let me go. She’s missing out.”

“Hell yea, dude! That’s the right attitude.” Topper said, jumping up to high five me. Of course, that was the statement he was on board with. I hate that I want you.

✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿✿

I haven’t been to a party in months, Kiara and Sarah thought that this would be the most fitting post-break up activity for me. Maybe meet a new guy or something. I tuned out when they were telling me about it and just agreed. What I neglected to listen to, was that it was a kook party. So now, i’m at a party alone, since my friends ditched me to dance with each other. And on top of that, I watch him watch her, like she’s the only girl he’s ever seen.

It took less than an hour of being at this party for us to end up in a room alone together.

“You don’t care! You never did!” Rafe shouted, running his hands through his hair, clearly exasperated with this conversation. I don’t even know how it started. One minute I was watching him with another girl, and the next he was hauling me off, away from everyone.

“You don’t give a damn about me, Rafe! How is it you never notice that you’re slowly killing me?” you wanted to yell back at him, to scream at him for putting you through this again, but you couldn’t. He didn’t say anything in return so you continued, “I hate you, and I hate that I love you, Rafe.” I’ve tried to move on, but even the simple thought of dating anyone but him, makes me physically ill. Why does it have to be like this?

“I don’t mean no harm, I just miss you on my arm, babe. Do you ever wonder what we could’ve been y/n?” He’s taunting me by asking dumb questions, as if I wanted this to happen, as if i’m the cause of all of this. Rafe’s the one that was closed off, not me. Of course, he switches the stories and i’m sure everyone at this damn party thinks I left him heart broken.

“You have a girlfriend, why are you even asking me that?” I was starting to get angry, I felt like he was toying with me.

He’s laughing. Of fucking course, he’s laughing at me. This is all one big fucking joke to him. “Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix. Isn’t that what you always told your friends Rafe?” I was furious, how could he act that way after everything? He’s still a child though, that will never change.

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You were right. I did lie to you, multiple times. About where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. I didn’t want you to know I was such a fuck up. You didn’t deserve the pain of finding out I was lying and cheating and drugging. You did anyways though. Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed.

“Rafe! Come dance with me!” I downed the rest of my drink before throwing the glass down and walking away from the new girl I was seeing. I didn’t care anymore.

I don’t want you, Y/N. I shouldn’t fucking miss you. I don’t deserve to! Seeing you again is such bullshit. If you wouldn’t have shown up here, I wouldn’t have said those things to you. Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges, just to create some distance. You didn’t deserve that, I knew it, but at least now you might learn your lesson and stay away. It’s for the best, right?

I hate that I love her, but I can’t put nobody else above her.

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I wasn’t sure if I had the closure I needed, but after that particular conversation with Rafe I felt a little better. I returned to the party with my head held high and danced with my friends. I hoped he was watching me too since i’m not sure what he was trying to do by joking around at my expense. But maybe if he thinks it didn’t bother me he will know how it fucking feels. 

I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings when love and trust is gone. I guess this is moving on. I hate you, I love you.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[myidlethinkings]

So my girlfriend has been trying to have me read the Wheel of Time series since when she was just my best friend. I picked back up the second book recently but it's been a while since I read the first and she went on this massive "YOU WON'T REMEMBER EVERYTHING FROM THE FIRST BOOK, LET ME TELL YOU"

This led to her Wheel of Time in 5 Minutes ™ lecture/rant and... I had to share this with the world. Enjoy.

Obviously every spoiler for the first book. You've been warned.

_______

k, eye of the world in 5 mins.

begins in the two rivers, emonds field, is gonna be bel tine and everyones all excited. rand lives further afield with his father and theyre bringing in brandy for the inn. rands all omg someones watching me as theyre getting in, tams all i cant see anything, rands all mustv imagined it. they get there. they hear theres going to be a gleeman. meets up with his bestie perrin and LOVER mat I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP who are both like yeah we totes saw the figure too. they go we'll tell the mayor tomorrow.

they see the gleeman thom and theyre all omg a gleeman, omg. then the two strangers, moiraine, who is the best character ever to character in any universe fucking fight me on that and lan, who are asking questions about the area and people and moiraines like oh hi child to nynaeve the wisdom whose like im the fucking wisdom bitch who the fuck are you. she then says to the boys hey here have this coin which is totally a normal coin cuz i might have errands and shit and theyre like holy shit anything you want.

then he sees egwene and hes all like omg the love of my life will you dance with me tomorrow at bel tine and shes all yeah sure in the afternoon cuz i got shit to do in the morning and hes all like wut? and shes all GETTIN MAH HAIR BRAIDED YO and hes all like holy shit that means shes marriagable, holy shit man.

then the peddler paidan fain rocks up and gets everyone in a frenzy over war wherever and false dragons and logain or whoever else.

rand and tam go back to the farm overnight before the festivities begin. shit goes down. trollocs smash in, rands all OMG TROLLOCS ARENT REAL THO LIKE WUT and tams all, fly you fool and rand runs into the woods. but then hes all, i cant fucken leave my father so he creeps back and in the shadows he sees tam creeping around with a sword and rands like DAFUQ why does he have a sword, fighting ensues, tam gets hurt, is dying, rand manages to get him back to emonds field with a figure trailing them.

tams delirious, starts talking about rands dead mother and then starts talking about a battle and how they all poured over the dragonwall and that it was snowing but it was so hot, battle is always hot and she was a warrior even though she was pregnant and she gave birth and died and how he took the baby and rand was all WUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. im gonna ignore that shit.

gets to emonds field. everything is in ruins. trollocs wrecked the shit there too. nynaeve is all like sorry dude, your dads gonna die. hes all fuck that, gets back to the inn where the gleemans like hey that ladys an aes sedai, she could heal him but i totally wouldnt because you never know what they ask for in price and rands all i dont care because HE IS MY FATHER. MY FATHER. HEEEEE. ISSSS. MYYYY. FATHERRRRR. thoms all, holy shit dude calm down hes your father. moiraine, the best character in the universe, heals tam, then shes all like look, you three boys need to come with me and rands all, well shit she makes sense and they go but then egwenes hiding too and shes all bitch im adventuring too and rands all AHHHH and moiraines all huh the wheel weaves what the wheel wills, whatevs, and they go on, with thom whose also like this place is boring asf, im coming on.

they head out, dragkhar fly overhead, moiraine like a mofo destroys them, they get to tarren ferry, cross on the ferry, then coincidentally theres a whirlpool and the ferrys destroyed when theyre on the other side and egwenes like HOLY SHIT YOU DID THAT and moiraines all cuz im fucking awesome and nobody can follow us now so stfu and they head on.

rand interrupts a lesson with moiraine teaching egwene the true source cuz egwenes got it. rands all FUCKING WTF and thoms all dude, leave it, you cant do a thing about it. Shes gone now. Why don’t you bang mat instead. I mean the mat comment never happened but I will ship them till my dying breath. moiraines all to egwene youll die if i dont teach you, there was another back in emonds who also had it but she managed to survive/channel in her own way.

egwene starts to unbraid her hair. rand has a crying fit. egwenes all fuck off man, i do what i want. mydraal and shit attack them, they get to baerlon safely. where the gatekeepers like the children of the light are around but they cant cause much trouble cuz the city watch hate them and the whitecloaks are little bitches. they get to baerlon. mat and rand walk around. they see a few of the whitecloaks, dane bornhold a young man leading the small group. mats like lol, watch this, enters a shop, climbs up the top and hurls a rock at them, loosening barels. rand has started to feel feverish and when the barrels nearly knock them over, rand stands there and doesnt hide and rands like lol and danes like dafuq are you looking at and rands like im looking at you what are YOU looking at and hes feeling really odd and reckless and danes like are you a darkfriend and steps forward but then the city guards turn up who hates the whitecloaks and they face each other off and mat hauls rand off all are you fucking insane, you faced him off and rands recklessness leaves him and he freaks out and they flee.

throughout this time and through the book all three have dreams but i cant be bothered to get into those, theyre basically all the dark one figuring out who is who, and they wake up after rats backs were broken in the dream to be all oh hey it was just dreams though, to find rats dead all over the place and other stuff. Moiraine told them early on to go to her if they have dreams and the boys talk about it and theyre like we should probably tell her but nah, she saes sedai and like, its just dreams yo, yeah a few rats end up dead but cool, its fine, we’re fine.

oh baerlons also where he meets min who can see things around them, like with him a sword that is not a sword and three women on his funeral pyre weeping and with perrin she sees wolves and mat dice and with lan seven broken towers and a baby in a cradle with a sword and blah blah. And she says she can see he loves egwene and egwene loves him too but theyre not for each other, at least not in the way they want to be.

then he returns and nynaeve is there and she is PISSED and is all like we're going home now and moiraine manages to convince her they are in trouble and nynaeves like ..... i dont trust you, but fine. and lans all how did you find us and shes all i tracked you bitches and hes all like, huh.

rand says to her later about MY FATHER HE IS MY FATHERRRR and nynaeves all awkwardly like er yeah totally, i totally dont remember when your father returned after adventuring with an outlander wife, that totally explains your red hair, er yea sure. but that above all they loved him as much as they wouldv loved any baby.

oh a bunch of times during the book people startle at him and him being so tall with red hair and grey eyes and say he resembles an aiel. oh, theyre also ta'veren, so extra special they draw people into doing stuff with their lives, they effect the pattern. moiraine also says the two rivers used to be manetheran, a fabled kingdom. that night shit happens and they run off. they run, fight, attack, fight, as they battle mat starts yelling out things in an old language he doesnt know, that moiraine says was a manetheran war cry and the old blood still sings.

theyre going to get outrun in battle and against moiraines judgement lan takes them to an old crumbling city shadar logoth which fell to the darkness and even trollocs and mydraal dont like entering it.

oh also tam gave rand the sword which is a heron marked blade and lans all like er only blademasters have these why did your father have one and rands all HES MAHHH FATHERRRRRR and lans all yeah but how and rands all he bought it from a merchant years before and lans all yeah that sounds totally legit.

they go into shadar logoth, the boys sneak off, meet mordeth whose all like lol here take the treasure and mats like cool but rands like holy shit he doesnt have a shadow and then mordeth goes all rahhhh and the three manage to escape and they return and ramble about what happened and moiraines like DID HE GIVE YOU ANYTHING and theyre all like no and mats like er totally didnt and moiraines like we have to move and they leave but then this shadow thing that can kill them separates them and theyre all separated and perrin and egwene fall into a river together, and nynaeve finds moiraine and lan and is all like I will cut you aes sedai for what you’ve done to all of us and moiraine is all lol, and rand and mat with thom end up on a ship, the spray, with bayle domon and theyre worried he’ll throw them overboard cuz of the trollocs that chased them but domon seems to think theyre after him.

moiraines like with the coins i can track them, but two of them have lost their coins (paying for passage on domons ship). perrin and egwene roam around a lot, finally meet up with a man elyas who can communicate with wolves. aes sedai once tried to gentle him because of it but it has nothing to do with the one power so it didnt do anything. theres hints he used to be a warder, but now he hangs out in the wilderness. he says perrin has the same thing, perrin freaks out. elyas is like ill take you to the next city cuz you guys are lost. they then meet up with the tuatha'an, the tinkers, who roam around and dont harm anyone even if theyre to be harmed. perrin cant reconcile that, hes all how can you defeat evil by that, but in turn they pity him as hes such a young, sad, violent man with his axe. his eyes start turning gold like elyas' and he starts to communicate with wolves like hopper and a bunch of them though he tries to deny it.

egwene dances with aram, one of the tinkers and perrins all wow what about rand and they eventually leave, though aram is restless for a tinker.

the leader asks elyas if hes found the song which is their formalities, elyas is all no we havent. the leader then tells him of a story he heard, of an aiel who crossed the waste and died, to tell them that leafblighter means to blind the eye of the world. then she died. they leave and then they then meet afoul of the whitecloaks who are fighting whatever and bornhold - danes father – and byar catches them. through the ordeal perrin kills two of the whitecloaks while hes being all half wolf in the battle and they take them in to be questioned.

nynaeve and moiraine/lan end up finding them, releasing them, the wolves assist, nynaeve gets left behind, lans all about to get her, moiraine reminds him of his oaths, nynaeve turns back up.

meanwhile rand/mat are at whitebridge and mats starting to get sick and suspicious. he had a dagger from shadar logoth. a mydraal finds them, thom hurtles his flute and harp at them, says to go, to leave. hes saving them because he once had a nephew who could channel and the red ajah gentled him, while thom was having an affair with the queen morgase of andor when he was a court bard and by the time he got to owen it was too late and hed not survived, which he always regretted and then because he left morgase the way he did she was pissed at him too. rand and mat run for it, rand sobbing that thom is dead.

they go from village to village to village, mat getting sicker and sicker, a young woman who ends up being a darkfriend tries to kill them, they escape. rand keeps thinking he sees padan fain the peddlar from home, whose actually a darkfriend.

moiraine tells nynaeve she has the power too, nynaeve has a mini breakdown. moiraine said it would have begun with a doing something she desperately needed then a few days later collapsing really ill and the illness disappearing quickly. nynaeve once said egwene had gotten sick as a child and shed healed her not knowing how, then gotten sick. moiraine says thats also how she found them to begin with, in the city, she could sense egwene.

rand and mat go to a poor inn, they try to rob them by locking them in the back. mats getting sick and even more paranoid. rand is terrified when he realises theyre going to sell them to a darkfriend and he prowls and prowls till the room theyre in explodes, the wall crumbling. rand doesnt know how but he thinks he did it himself. mat becomes blinded from it and starts sobbing.

they escape. on the run again. as mat is blind, rand takes care of him and mat in his illness is worried that rand will abandon him which rand would never do because mat is the LOVE OF HIS LIFE, rand ends up really sick, paralleling what moiraine said what happened to nynaeve.

they end up hitching a ride to caemlyn where they expect moiraine to find them, if shes still alive. the buggy driver talks about the queen. how elayne is the daughter heir and her brother is the first prince of the sword. its been tradition forever that the daughter heirs go to tar valon to train and the princes go be taught by warders. he mentioned tigraine who was the queen before morgaise, who disappeared mysteriously nearly twenty years ago, who left behind a son galad. morgaise married the husband and became queen and while she had elayne and gawyn, galad lives with them too, now the husband is dead. oh, also logain the false dragon is being presented to the queen as prisoner before the aes sedai take him to tar valon to gentle him.

they get to caemlyn, mats REALLY sick. rand leaves him at an inn, tries to go see the false dragon being brought in. he meets loial an ogier whose nice, whose like 90 but really young for an ogier to have left his stedding without permission. rand ends up thinking he sees paidan, but doesnt have a good feeling, tries to run off, falls into a castle garden. meets elayne the daughter heir who might actually be the most annoying character to exist, her brother gawyn. theyre like omg you look like an aiel. elayne then talks about gareth bryne the guard captain dude she ships hard with her mother. galad MY MOST PURE CHARACTER WHO I LOVE FUCK ELAYNE (not a spoiler, his name is of the most pure camelot round table knight) rocks up, is all, holy you broke into the palace. elayne whose a bitch is like how DARE YOU YOURE NOT MY BROTHERRRR and galads all we are siblings and my duty is to protect you and shes all you wont do anything with this rand ill invoke protection, then galad goes and tells the guards because theres literally a false dragon being brought in and tension is on the rise in caemlyn and hes taken to see morgase.

the red ajah elaida is freaked out by him, knows hes taveren, has a bit of a prophecy but it doesnt really mean much and morgaise is all look, we cant just arrest everyone, let him go.

he then races back to the inn, moiraine and everyones there, they all hug, then hes all like oh yeah mats sick btw. moiraine goes up and mats not just sick hes now tainted. she does the best she can but is all like he needs to get to tar valon to have the bond between him and the dagger properly severed. then moiraine meets loial who randomly talks about an event concerning the eye of the world. perrins all oh yeah thats like the dead aiel girl the tinkers spoke about. that changes the plans once moiraine realises the dark ones trying to get to the eye and shes like we cant get to tar valon yet we gotta leave now. they use the ways which loail knows how to use cuz ogier and male aes sedai made them together centuries before but now the ways are tainted.

theyre like the worlds between the worlds, can get to places quicker but it has the black wind thatll kill you. blah blah blah they use the ways, nearly die, but get to fal dara/shienar, which is sort of where lan is from. nynaeve confesses her love, lans all no i cannot, i cannot offer anything. it ends up that his parents had the throne but his ... there was scheming. His uncles wife wrecked everything, she escaped with her baby into the blight, lans cousin, nobodys seen or heard of them, moiraine suspects isam might be alive but GASP keeps it from lan. the seven towers crumbled, lan has a death wish, he believes hes the only one left so must die.

lord agelmar wishes lan would rise up the banner of the golden crane because everything about the blight is crumbling, lans like no, i have a new oath now with moiraine. lord ingtar is a fight me soldier who fanboys after lan. theres a battle going on in tarwins gap they desperately need help for, but lan says he cant. lord agelmar orders ingtar to accompany them to the blight and leave them cuz moiraines like we cant have anyone else come with us.

Paidan fain by this point has rocked up to shienar and tried to wheedle his way into the good graces of lord agelmar but hes all wtf you look like a creeper and throws him in a cell. Moiraines like I need to question him at some point.

moiraine then takes them into the blight to find the green man who can take them to the eye of the world. the green man rocks up, hes made of vines and flowers, takes them to the eye. two forsaken rock up. moiraine tries to fight, is knocked out, nynaeve and lan get knocked out, the boys run. the green man is destroyed by the forsaken. rand ends up destroying the forsaken, goes into the eye, channels the male source in there, realises he can channel, has a fight with the dark one - whose still bound under the seals, but rand believes he ended the dark one and its done. comes out, the others are recovering. brings out an old banner from the eye thats the dragons banner, broken seals from the dark ones prison, and the horn of valere. moiraine is all, we need to take these to tar valon. rands all, you do that, but im done with aes sedai, im not going to tar valon. im done. the dark ones dead and im going to do my own thing. he turns to egwene who backs away from him when he said he channeled, then she bursts into tears and hugs him and says shes sorry.

they return to shienar, fal dara, where there was a miracle in tarwins gap where they believed they saw the creator and that the light took on flesh - they saw an apparition of a man they didnt know as rand fighting the battle he fought. ingtars flipping his shit because he missed the battle while accompanying them, and then not even being able to accompany them the entire way. After all of his talking about going after a week rand is still there, finishing his sword practice with Lan in Agelmar's private garden and meets up with Egwene. He tells her that he will go away. Egwene asks him to come to Tar Valon with her and Nynaeve, itll totes be fun, I mean theres the red ajah and shit wholl attack him if they know but hey itll be fun, but Rand refuses. He says he'll never channel again. When she asks him if he'll be going home, he tells her that he'll never go home.

Moiraine is underneath Agelmar's private garden. She uses her blue teardrop thing she wears on her forehead to focus her eavesdropping on Rand and Egwene. Using it to eavesdrop was the first use of the One Power she had learned as a young girl in the royal palaces of Cairhieren.

Smiling, she says, "The Prophecies will be fulfilled. The Dragon is Reborn."

the end.

[vivithefolle]

“Oh great, it’s the Harry stans again” I’m a wolfstar stan my dude

“So Harry’s desire is a family” yes, and what comes with having a family? Love, also Harry didn’t have his found family yet, just a few friends, and he can have his found family and still want his parents

Fred and George don’t bully him, they tease him like all big brothers do. And Ron went to them when “Scabbers” “died” so he doesn’t hate being vulnerable in front of them

“Let’s think deeper than just “hurr durr rawn wants powur” That is why though. Even at the end of DH he says “the unbeatable wand, Harry?!” Meaning he wants it for its power and is shocked Harry doesn’t

Also, Harry didn’t tell Ron to go with him to save Malfoy, and he only wanted Ron to come to the Ministry because he didn’t want to put his friends in danger. The only reason he was ok with Ron going is that Ron said he would. Why do you think Harry and hermione are selfish and don’t deserve him? That ain’t true

Harry got glimpses in to Voldy cause thats influence. Harry can’t be controlled because he is so full of the “force (Voldy) detests”. It is said multiple times that’s why. And he is so “purely and strongly” associated with love. It’s what makes Harry, Harry. Despite what he’s been through, he remains “pure of heart” as Dumbledore put it, he sacrifices himself and it sets off a protection charm for everyone, he tries to save Voldy, etc. and we do see it shown from him more than Ron. I could bring up countless examples but I’ll just leave it at: Harry felt bad for Hagrid when Aragon died and wanted to be there for Hagrid, despite Aragon nearly eating him. Ron did not. I love your blog btw, I just don’t agree with you on this lol

[Previous]

I’m a wolfstar stan my dude 

Ah yes, Wolfstar, the pairing where one guy weaponized his friend’s most important, life-changing secret in order to play a “prank” that could have ended in manslaughter, because the one guy gave his friend’s feelings as much consideration as a plastic bag’s. Also said guy later believed that said friend could be a traitor. A love story for the ages surely.

“So Harry’s desire is a family” yes, and what comes with having a family? Love, also Harry didn’t have his found family yet, just a few friends, and he can have his found family and still want his parents 

Yes. And Ron’s desire is also tied around love. Because Ron believes that he needs to accomplish things to stand out and be “worthy” of loving. That’s his whole thing during the entire books, that’s what drives him to sometimes put his foot in his mouth up to his thigh and make stupid mistakes, because he’s trying to earn love, he’s going out of his way to earn the love of his friends when they already love him but are just pants at showing it.

Fred and George don’t bully him, they tease him like all big brothers do. And Ron went to them when “Scabbers” “died” so he doesn’t hate being vulnerable in front of them 

Fred and George absolutely bullied Ron. That’s just fact. Look at Order of the Phoenix, look at how they treat him through the books. Fred and George may be popular characters but as big brothers they are AWFUL.

And who’s to say Ron went directly to them? We see them “““comfort”““ Ron but maybe Ron was just sitting with Harry and Ginny and lamenting Scabbers’ death then Fred and George came in and decided to add their five cents. Also in spite of how horrible Fred and George can be to him Ron still loves and admires them greatly - case in point, how he still trusted them about the bogus spell to turn Scabbers yellow.

“Let’s think deeper than just “hurr durr rawn wants powur” That is why though. Even at the end of DH he says “the unbeatable wand, Harry?!” Meaning he wants it for its power and is shocked Harry doesn’t 

Yeah, because Ron’s pragmatic still. Imagine what you could do with such a powerful wand. What’s the point of the Invisibility Cloak when you have a super-powerful wand that may cast the best Invisibility Charm ever? How about enchanting stuff with that wand? What of that wand’s ability to heal people? Imagine all you could do if you had that thing up your sleeve.

Also, Harry didn’t tell Ron to go with him to save Malfoy

No he didn’t. Ron turned back of his own will. Because Ron loved Harry and was willing to endanger not only his life, but also the one of the woman he loved, to save Harry from a fiery death trap. Ron chose to go back because he knew Harry was gonna try to save everyone like the idiot martyr he is.

he only wanted Ron to come to the Ministry because he didn’t want to put his friends in danger. 

You greatly overestimate Harry’s niceness.

Harry’s  eyes  met  Ron’s.  He  knew  that  Ron  was  thinking  exactly  what he was: If he could have chosen any members of the D.A. in ad-dition  to  himself,  Ron,  and  Hermione  to  join  him  in  the  attempt  to  rescue Sirius, he would not have picked Ginny, Neville, or Luna. - Order of the Phoenix

He’s not thinking that because he’s nice and ~doesn’t want to put them in danger uwu~: he’s thinking that because he thinks Ginny, Neville and Luna aren’t good enough to rescue Sirius. To be fair, that’s also quite pragmatic: Neville has indeed great trouble with magic due to his father’s wand, and Luna has never participated in an adventure to fight Voldemort, while Ginny’s participation was that of his victim.

Why do you think Harry and hermione are selfish and don’t deserve him? That ain’t true 

Because yes, that’s true. They’re fundamentally self-absorbed. Part of it is teenage immaturity, of course, and Ron can be similarly self-centred, but Harry is often going around thinking “me me me”. Like, when Arthur Weasley got bitten by Nagini he was thinking about how he was going to look crazy if he said he dreamed he was the snake, what the fuck Harry.

Similarly, Hermione often prioritizes herself and her feelings above Ron’s. She treats Harry very delicately because poor wee Harry is a poor orphan and that’s so sad but she has no such qualms with Ron since she doesn’t realize that his baggage amounts to a little more than just “I feel overshadowed by everyone that came before me”: it’s legit “I feel that nobody will ever love me because who’d care for a loser like me when there are all those great people around me?”. To be fair Hermione is not a psychologist, and she’s not under obligation to help Ron cope with his feelings, but when you’re friends with someone you usually try to support them a bit.

Look at how Harry and Hermione reacted to the bullying campaign against Ron in OOTP. Not. One. Fucking. Thing. Ron left to trudge alone in the snow for maybe hours after his first match, and they didn’t fucking try to find him, they stayed holed up in the common room, just staring at each other and feeling sorry for themselves. I don’t know if it’s a Brit thing to leave a friend alone with their own dark thoughts for company after a terrible public humiliation but it’s certainly not a good friend thing.

Harry got glimpses in to Voldy cause thats influence. Harry can’t be controlled because he is so full of the “force (Voldy) detests”. It is said multiple times that’s why. And he is so “purely and strongly” associated with love. It’s what makes Harry, Harry. Despite what he’s been through, he remains “pure of heart” as Dumbledore put it, he sacrifices himself and it sets off a protection charm for everyone

Yeah because bullshit plot device magic blah blah blah, really it ain’t shit. It’s mostly an excuse. Because how offensive it is to imagine that had Harry just gone to Voldemort a bit earlier, then the “““Love Charm”““ would save everyone? Fred, Lupin, Tonks, Colin, had Harry moved his fucking ass and just surrendered he’d have saved them all. Hell, when you already consider that the Battle of Hogwarts happened at Hogwarts because fucking Harry absolutely HAD to be the one to get one of Voldemort’s Horcruxes you see, couldn’t have summoned Kreacher and asked him to search the place, couldn’t have remained hidden and entrusted the other students with the search, nooo, absolutely HAD to go to Hogwarts aka the place where every child is held hostage by a fascist government that could decide to kill them all for “hiding Undesirable Number One in their midst so they deserved their fate”... Genius move Harry, truly. +50 people dead thanks to you, fucking dumbass.

he tries to save Voldy, 

Um, not really, he just told Vold to try and feel some remorse. Then bullshit space magic about the Elder Wand so Harry is technically not a murderer because he just Disarmed his opponent, you see, he’s still pure yall, cause killing someone quickly and painlessly (= Avada Kedavra) is worse than torture (= Crucio), ysee?

Harry felt bad for Hagrid when Aragon died and wanted to be there for Hagrid, despite Aragon nearly eating him. Ron did not.

............................... um, no.

“Hagrid!”  cried  Hermione,  leaping  up,  hurrying  around  the  table  the  long  way  to  avoid  the  barrel of maggots, and putting an arm around his shaking shoulders. “What is it?”  “It’s...him...”  gulped  Hagrid,  his  beetle-black  eyes  streaming  as  he  mopped  his  face  with  his  apron. “It’s...Aragog...I think he’s dyin’...He got ill over the summer an’ he’s not gettin’ better... I don’ know what I’ll do if he...if he...We’ve bin tergether so long...”  Hermione patted Hagrid’s shoulder, looking at a complete loss for anything to say. Harry knew how  she  felt.  He  had  known  Hagrid  to  present  a  vicious  baby  dragon  with  a  teddy  bear,  seen  him  croon  over  giant  scorpions  with  suckers  and  stingers,  attempt  to  reason  with  his  brutal  giant  of  a  half-brother, but this was perhaps the most incomprehensible of all his monster fancies: the gigantic talking spider, Aragog, who dwelled deep in the Forbidden Forest and which he and Ron had only narrowly escaped four years previously.  “Is there — is there anything we can do?” Hermione asked, ignoring Ron’s frantic grimaces and head-shakings.  “I  don’  think  there  is,  Hermione,”  choked  Hagrid,  attempting  to  stem  the  flood  of  his  tears.  “See, the rest o’ the tribe...Aragog’s family...they’re gettin’ a bit funny now he’s ill...bit restive...”  “Yeah, I think we saw a bit of that side of them,” said Ron in an undertone.  “...I  don’  reckon  it’d  be  safe  fer  anyone  but  me  ter  go  near  the  colony  at  the  mo’,”  Hagrid  finished, blowing his nose hard on his apron and looking up. “But thanks fer offerin’, Hermione...It means a lot.”  After  that,  the  atmosphere  lightened  considerably,  for  although  neither  Harry  nor  Ron  had  shown any inclination to go and feed giant grubs to a murderous, gargantuan spider, Hagrid seemed to take it for granted that they would have liked to have done and became his usual self once more. - Half-Blood Prince

Then

“Excellent,” he said. “Really excellent. Right...I’m going down to Hagrid’s.”  “What?” said Ron and Hermione together, looking aghast.  “No, Harry — you’ve got to go and see Slughorn, remember?” said Hermione.  “No,”  said  Harry  confidently.  “I’m  going  to  Hagrid’s,  I’ve  got  a  good  feeling  about  going  to  Hagrid’s.”  “You’ve got a good feeling about burying a giant spider?” asked Ron, looking stunned.  “Yeah,”  said  Harry,  pulling  his  Invisibility  Cloak  out  of  his  bag.  “I  feel  like  it’s  the  place  to  be  tonight, you know what I mean?”  “No,” said Ron and Hermione together, both looking positively alarmed now.  “This  is  Felix  Felicis,  I  suppose?”  said  Hermione  anxiously,  holding  up  the  bottle  to  the  light.  “You haven’t got another little bottle full of — I don’t know —”  “Essence of Insanity?” suggested Ron, as Harry swung his cloak over his shoulders.  Harry laughed, and Ron and Hermione looked even more alarmed.  “Trust me,” he said. “I know what I’m doing...or at least” he strolled confidently to the door — “Felix does.” - Half-Blood Prince

Harry doesn’t want to go to Hagrid’s out of the goodness and lurve of his heart. He’s going because it’s convenient. Because Felix Felicis.

Harry really isn’t anything special. Anyone with basic math skills can realize that dying to save possibly hundreds of people is better than you living and possibly hundreds dying. That’s nothing to do with purity of the heart or shit, that’s just math.

[tracynotabi]

Riptide Day 2 / Undertow

September 11, 2021

D-Day.

Kevin, Ivan, Joey, and I were getting a ride from Spencer, who was also taking Narq to the venue, while Robert and Parker got a ride from someone else. Well, at least we didn’t have to walk to the venue. I didn’t pack sunscreen.

At 9am, about half an hour we were supposed to leave, Kevin gets a stomachache.

Me: He just needs to poop. Spencer: The classic.

We end up going to the lobby to wait for Spencer in Narq, which was fine considering we actually didn’t want Spencer, our ride, waiting for us.

Spencer: Okay, Narq’s just using the bathroom rq lol Me: Is he also having tummy problems Spencer: Nah just bein stoner and forgetting to do stuff lol Me: The classic

We go get Chick-fil-A and I’m sitting underneath the dashboard again by Kevin’s feet. I think the employees were very bewildered, as the woman on the other side of the window did a double take. I would, too, if I saw a smaller-than-average person just hiding underneath the dashboard sipping on a cup of Coke.

Some time after I get to the venue during doubles, I end up talking to Jimmy (j u m), when Kevin comes rushing over to me, a panicked look on his face.

Forgot to mention, but Kevin actually couldn’t get all of his poop out before coming to the venue and now it is back with a vengeance.

He tells me that he’s unable to go to any restroom because there were three stalls in the men’s restroom: two were occupied and one was clogged with poop.

He had tried flushing the poop one but it only made it worse. It just clogged more and the water level rose. If he had sat down and insisted on finishing, his balls would be touching the water and that’s a no-no.

He tried asking the front desk for other restrooms, but he was informed it was the only one. He was desperate and you could just see it in his eyes that he was about to break.

Me, using the big, wrinkly brain that I had, told him to use the women’s restroom. He froze, not even realizing that that was an option.

Now before anyone complains, hear me out.

I would rather be in a restroom with a male in the stall next to me, than exit the restroom and see someone standing outside the men’s restroom trying to wait for a stall with a shit stain in his pants. Excuse the vulgarity, but it’s true.

If you’re ever at one of my tournaments and you need to go and no male restroom is unoccupied, for the love of god, please fucking use the women’s restroom. I do not need this mess on my hands and you best believe I’m shoving myself in the men’s restroom if I gotta fucking go expel unicorns and rainbows.

I go to the restroom with Kevin and stand awkardly on my phone to keep watch, because he didn’t want any of the staff members actually seeing him and risk himself getting kicked out of the venue.

That would’ve been extremely unfortunate.

Luckily, nobody else needed to go use the restroom while Kevin was in there and he was able to safely compete his duty (lol).

If anyone is upset at my suggestion, I’m sorry, but I wasn’t about to not provide such a simple solution for Kevin’s emergency.

Anyway, the tournament start shortly after that.

First match I pay attention to is Kevin vs. Wombat. In my head, I think it’s pools so I shouldn’t worry too much. I try to watch Kevin’s sets, but it makes me physically ill sometimes because my anxiety is wracked up like crazy and I just want to throw up. Many have witnessed me walking away and trying to distract myself multiple times at multiple different tournaments.

It’s like that gory horror movie that you can’t keep looking away from.

Besides knowing that I get sick, I figured it would be fine since I actually enjoy trying to support my boyfriend and watch him come out of pools winners’ side. Not meaning any disrespect by Wombat, by the way. He’s great. Just realistic. It’s like how I expect Kevin to lose to Bob.

Kevin loses Game 1.

Ooh my tummy’s doing barrel rolls like the way Twisty did with that pullout bed. I look away but I’m just so distracted by the crowd noises.

I totally get it, though. Obviously, it’s sick that Wombat’s holding his own against Kevin, who is seed 3 of the tournament. I’d be excited, too, if my friend was making an upset on someone else. But Kevin’s my boyfriend, so obviously, I want him to win.

Kevin barely wins Game 2 and I’m like ooooh boy. My tummy’s going to town and I think I gag a little by how sick I feel. Gotta focus on getting Joey his next match. *deep breaths*

When heartswaptv airs the whole tournament, definitely check out the set. It was really good (as far as I can hear, I couldn’t bring myself to watch the rest of it).

Kevin comes over to me after he’s out of pools and I scold him for making me worried.

AND YOU NOW WHAT HE SAYS?

Kevin: Babe, it’s fine - I almost lost to Zeddy at Redacted City and I got 2nd. I’ll be fine. Me: T____T *incoherent whining noises*

Does Kevin thinks he’s fucking cute for saying that or something? I was not amused.

Since I didn’t have to volunteer TO the entirety of the tournament, I bounced around mingling with other people.

At one point, I get a message from Suvir in our group chat about how he, Sosa, and Narq were planning on coming to visit NorCal. Of course, since Narq was already here, I decided to just go up to him and ask.

Me: So I heard you’re coming to NorCal? Narq: I am? Me: That’s what Suvir said. *shows phone* Narq: I guess I’m going to NorCal!

Suvir: Narq doesn’t actually know. Sosa just said he’d take him with him and said Narq would agree to go because he’s Narq. Me: Oh that makes sense why he had no idea what I was talking about.

It wasn’t until around top bracket did things start to pick up. Not too many spoilers, because (1) no spoilers before they upload the vod and (2) I have a terrible memory when it comes to the matches.

I remember holding up Kevin’s phone to stream to our Discord because we had some non-PM player friends who wanted to see and I think Kevin wanted Thomas (ThundeRzReiGN) to give him some advice throughout the tournament. Not actually coach, but to critique his play.

As more and more top players fell, Kevin made it a goal to do his best not to fall into the landmine that was Losers’. So many heavy hitters were large threats to him: Techboy, Malachi, Akimi, Cloudburst...

Not to say that Winners’ side didn’t have their fair share of monsters: Peter, Parker, Kumatora, Twisty, Nogh, Lunchables...

Kevin’s first match in Top 32 was against Bongo, who people sleep on quite a lot. For those of you that don’t know him, he’s a Captain Falcon from NY who actually beat Kevin at Flex Zone 3 in 2018. Kevin had beaten him at Encore, but it wasn’t easy.

Not to mention Falcon is a pain the butt for Mario. Unfortunately, the match was not recorded (as far as I know), and it was a very exciting match from what I heard. I avoided watching it because based on how long it took, I knew it had to have been a Game 5. During that time, two matches have been finished on “stream.”

Kevin had said his match against Bongo was the toughest one he had - not to discredit his other opponents, of course - but according to him, it was the scariest and closest. Also the threat of being put into Losers so early would’ve made the climb to Top 8 a lot harder.

His overall goal was actually to make Top 8. Despite being a third seed and rank 5, what I’ve noticed about Kevin is that he does have doubts about himself quite often. He’s never complacent in his opponents and worries all the time about being upset and I don’t think anyone puts more pressure on him more than himself.

As I watched my friends progress through bracket, all I can think is there’s not much I can do. I don’t understand the game very much, despite my heavy involvement in the scene. In fact, more often than not, I believe I understand the game the least compared to everyone else.

A tangent from the actual tournament itself is coming, but I think I should address why I’m even in this community:

While everyone loves the game, I love the community behind it. I find it worth it to sit/stand in one location for hours at a time because it allows my friends to enjoy the game they love comfortably without worrying how the tournament is progressing. They can focus on their own growth and passion.

I think what I see is completely different. Like I said, I don’t really understand this game - I can’t differentiate uairs, bairs, d-smashes, etc. I compute it in my head, but can’t visualize it. I don’t recognize most combos - in fact, more often than not, I’m sitting there just staring at the screen kind of blankly. Sometimes, it does make me wonder if I really am part of this community because I don’t really understand the game.

I can’t say I particularly care too much about the game, but I understand how much of an impact it’s made on me and for that, I’m very thankful for this game because it’s led me to some great people.

Back to the actual event and less sap. lol. Is anybody still even reading?

For something put together in a mere two weeks, Trin and their team did an amazing job. Three recording set ups, graphics, a pot, a venue... props to them for gathering the scraps and making a whole out of it. And to think we almost didn’t go.

Madeline (Swanner) ended up coming and it was honestly so good to see her. We aren’t particularly close, but she’s someone I’ve come to care for and just want happiness for her.

Major spoiler, but I don’t think anybody who cares about PM/P+ doesn’t know Kevin won the tournament.

Everyone expected a pop-off, but Kevin just sat there, crying.

I don’t think there’s ever been anything that Kevin has been more passionate about. He loves this game; he loves this community. Never did it ever occur to him that he would win.

I wish I could say more, but honestly, him winning stunned me speechless. And if you didn’t know, the first thing he said after was that he had to call his mother.

His mom is one of his biggest supporters and I love her to death. She has such a huge heart and has never, ever frowned upon Kevin’s love for the game, whole-heartedly supporting it.

I hugged Maddy, because I can’t even imagine how heart-breaking it must be for her to see what could have been on the mainstage. I imagined how much it must’ve hurt her because she just loves the game and the community, but to see it constantly be torn down by Nintendo and her unable to do anything... Give Maddy a hug and thank her if you see her. She deserves the world.

We ended up walking home with PNW, Bob, Mar, Bongo, Cameron (LoyaL), Ivan, and a few others, honestly too dark to completely see and name. It was a very nice night.

We did, however, pass by the rundown house that definitely looked like if we were to talk in there, we’d be killed by the axe murderer that lived there.

Kevin also lagged behind a lot because his phone notifications were going off like crazy and I was worried he was going to just get lost in the darkness or get hit by a car. Stop looking at your phone when you cross the street, dammit.

We got back to our hotel room and ordered pizza - it was bad. God-fucking-dammit, Ohio, why do you suck so much? Kind of a shitty dinner to end the day on, but nothing else was open at 2am. FeelsBadMan.

[smutty-ki113r]

ok show u an emoji? hm ...( •̀ .̫ •́ )✧ that one maybe? he has a really goofy grin <3 omg u think he was serious?? 0w0 i am known for being oblivious when ppl like me... i didn't notice that a past classmate was trying to get with me for a whole year until another classmate pointed it out-

YEAH?! u don't feel that? i am a very big smell person. i connect alot of things with certain smells. i use at least 3 different smelling things on my body at all times cuz it makes me happy. but if i have a partner i love sorrounding myself with their smell so i smell like them :>

yeah if u two don't get together imma beat bens ass. i hope u r crying happy tears （︶^︶）

i did make him a sandwhich don't worry lol. i was making sandwhiches for toby cuz jeff and toby r trying to beat bens highscore at some game. they forget to eat and drink-

i am sorry what?? wife me up?0-0 uh not sure abt that...i would rather be his personal servant than his wife-

i usually shift everyday once or twice but sometimes only every second or third day. for me it's like five minutes here are like 20 or 30 minutes there but i know it's different for a lot of ppl. i shift pretty often cuz irl only my best friend knows abt my gender. i don't feel comfy with outing myself since some family members r really against lgbt+ and whenever i try to explain it to them they don't even wanna understand. i don't want ppl to fight because of me. and when i shift all of them accept and respect me for who i am and it feels so good.

dude i actually think i stopped simping for ben because i am like friends with him now and i realized we wouldn't make a good couple. we basically just don't have any chemistry in that sense. AND you'll be his number 1!! more confidence pls >:[ my otp!

yes i do read him the fics. yes i like doing it hehe. i mean he reads me the jeff and toby ones <3 just friends being friends. no but ben thinks it's interesting what ppl think he's like in bed-

smut fanfics abt urself? man that's dope :> if i had that i'd just think i am so hot!

also; my binder arrived yesterday :> i almost cried happy tears when i unpacked it! i and today my stick and poke set arrived which is also hella dope owo

this is a lil vent; if u don't care feel free to skip: i had a driving lesson today and my driving instructor was super mean today. basically she just told me i was doing everything to slow but she was personal abt it... she said stuff like "r u this codependend in every part of life? do i need to tell u everything u have to do?" i literally cried a tiny bit while driving. she didn't even notice. i hope she isn't this mean next time. this never happened before...maybe she just had a bad day?

anyways i love u <3

-🃏

Thats such a cute emoji- I DO in fact think he was being serious.

Don’t beat ben’s ass please- happy tears YES but like 5 minutes after they’re sad.

YOURE SO NICE TO THEM!! Adorable- PERSONAL SERVANT??!!! OML-OUGYHVBJUIGYU it’s so nice that you get to be yourself in your shifting world. Well i support you <3 and I think you’re wonderful regardless. OMNG AND a stick and poke set??!!1 you need to let me know what you do! Also im so happy you got a binder!!

No, absolutely unacceptable. I don’t think you should be treated in that way ever, you are not stupid and you are not slow. Thats rude and she should be fired. Don’t invalidate yourself and then validate those who abuse you, i used to do that a lot.

(Sort of tw: my emotions ew. You dont need to read this next part but i just do wanna get it out because if i dont i might fall down and die) like literally, its not important at all. Just skip this.

Well yeah. Sad tears i guess. Like I absolutely adore the thought of me and ben being together but oh Jesus here we go again. I dont see any reason as to why anyone would like me. Im sort of the person you stay with a couple months of your life at the most, and then leave because im too much, or just disgusting i guess. I don’t really know. Its so hard for me to see anyone liking me. I mean i like me but i feel like nobody else does. Ive been put in second place so many times in my life, because of my body, or who i am, or what i am. I dont know.

I hate devaluating myself like this because I know in less than a day it’ll go back to me thinking im the best person in the world. But when im alone, or when i realize that im alone I can’t help but feel this way.

Like., why would anyone like me when im like this? When there’s so many other people out there who are probably better than me. Ill never be the best at anything.

And i hate the thought of falling deeper in love because what then? What if i do end up falling for him so hard that being alone would kill me. And when he abandons me, because everybody eventually does. What happens then.

Fuck i hate my life so bad. It’s like I can never be happy and I try to tell myself that I do deserve happiness, especially after what ive gone through but then every time i think im getting happy it stops.

I want to love him so bad. But why, why would anyone ever love me?

Anyway. I love you!!!1

[spidxysense]

Back to You | 13

Summary: He broke your heart, but you’d always love him. Two souls that not even the universe could tear apart, even if you wanted it to at times.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader x Timothee Chalamet

A/N: Yay I updated! I hope you guys like this one, I was stuck for a bit there but once I sat down and got to typing, I really finished it in one sitting. I was just planning on updating it bit by bit lol. Let me know what you guys think, Love you!!!!!!

Word count: 2,591

Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13

-------------------------------------------------------

You were in the car with Troye, it had been a few months since you came back home from Italy, and by home you meant your shared apartment with Troye in LA. Now you were out looking for a dress to wear to the premiere for Celia. You’d tricked your manager to think that you’ve been sick the past week but it was like Troye had a no Bullshit radar. The second he stepped into your shared apartment last night from his trip to Australia he knew you were pretending to be sick so you could miss the premier.

Troye pulls down his sunglasses to the bridge of his nose, giving you a side eye as you glared at him, “Sweetie, don’t give me that look.” he rolls his eyes, “I thought everything was going great? You agreed to release that album you’d been holding onto for who even knows how long anymore. You and Timothee kissed-” You wince at the sound of his name, “Troye…”

He groans, “No! Tell me you didn’t ghost Timothee Chalamet, you asshole!”

You put your hands up in defense, “In my defense, I did not ghost him. He’s filming a movie, he’s off his phone because he’s focusing on the movie and-adn well, he’s starring in the movie with Lily-Rose Depp, he’ll forget about me.” You try to reason, finally opening up your insecurity to your best friend who probably already knew from the beginning.

His grip on the steering wheel gets tighter, “So what? You tell me you let Tom go, a week later news breaks that’s he’s dating Zendaya which by the way makes him a fucking asshole. Now you’re back to being this insecure girl who thinks some pretty french girl can steal this guy who’s like practically head over heels for you?” He pauses from his rant, “What are you two even?”

You shrug, "Which is why this situation is perfect. I have a chance to think things over and so does he… in case he realizes he made a big mistake. I don't know what we are, I mean, we just kind of agreed that we both like each other."

He groans, parking the car, "You two are cute you know? Like I want to bash your heads together cute because nobody will take the first step."

You hop out the car, slamming the door as cameras rush to your presence. Troye's hand on your back guides you through as he insults the paparazzi for hounding celebrities as their day jobs.

He passes by the aisles of clother, already picking something out for himself while ylu see a few pretty numbers tp buy for everyday use, "You are perfect, Y/N. Just like fucking insecure." He trails behind you, which you don't need to be, might I mention." He hands you a dress, pushing you to the dressing room, "I thought you might want to emulate her character so I thought this would be perfect."

You rolled your eyes, "At least Timothee won't be at the premier tonight." You sigh in relief, "He would never abandon filming just to go to some premiere. So that's one less person I have to worry about."

Troye gapes at you, "Oh honey, if you were anyone but you, I would agree, but I already know you're worrying about the fact that he's off in some european country with Lily."

You bit off a dry piece off of your bottom lip, as you changed, keeping silent because both you and Troye knew that what he was saying was right.

He sighs, “Look Y/N, at the end of the day all that matters is, is he someone you see yourself with? And if he is, then why the hell would you throw that away? Or even let anyone take from you? You need to boss the fuck up and I’m sorry if I’m hurting your feelings but I am so done with you being and feeling so sorry for yourself when you know you deserve better but aren’t taking it when it’s being handed to you.”

You open the door with a heave, “Because it feels like I don’t deserve it!” You were already wearing the dress but you slump down on one of the couches, “How can you not understand that the guy I let go, who was my first love is dating the very person he cheated on me with? How can you not understand how absolutely soul wrenching that is? That even if I want to be with Timothee, I can’t because I don’t know how to be with him properly. Because he’ll know and feel all these thoughts in my head and all these terrible feelings I have after Tom replaced me with the person he was with when he hurt me?” The tears are pouring out as you feel the flashes from the cameras outside but you didn’t care. Let them see because you were so tired of not being allowed to hurt, “I don’t know how to do this Troye, not without hurting Timothee, and I don’t want to do that… not anymore, he deserves the absolute world and where I am now, I can’t give him mine because there’s almost nothing left of it.”

Troye looks shocked as he gets on his knees next to you, hugging you with all his might, “Alright, well I guess tough love was the wrong move to use on you.” He pulls apart from you, grabbing your arms at the side and looks in your eyes, “But Y/N, have you ever wondered what Timothee wants? Based from everything you’ve told me it seems like you guys haven’t even talked about whatever the two of you are and Timothee wouldn’t be the type of person who’d tell you what he wants because he just wants you to get what you want.” He smiles sadly at you.

You sigh, “Alright, I’ll talk with Timothee when he gets back.”

He gives you a pat on the back, “That won’t even be for until a few months so you have time to think for yourself.” He grabs you by the hand, pulling you up to stand, “And that dress definitely embodies Celia. You’re wearing that tonight.”

You laugh, “I look like I’m going to prom. Is it really alright for me to wear this?”

Troye rolls his eyes, “Sweetie, this is your movie, you can wear whatever the hell you want. You could even come in a sack and nobody would have the right to tell you not to wear what you want.”

-----------------------------------------------------

The light flashes in your eyes when the car comes to a hald and you step out, blinding lights from cameras and the ones directly pointed at the red carpet and suddenly you can’t breathe.

Troye’s hand guides you through the walkway onto the carpet but you can’t seem to get a grip on the reality in front of you. It had been so long since you last did a red carpet which was from The Greatest Showman. This was an indie movie, but given the success of the first one, it had garnered a lot more fans. Luckily you’re stopped by an interviewer.

“Y/N! You look fabulous!”

You smile shyly, “Thank you so much, you look beautiful tonight as well.”

She laughs along with what you said as she proceeds to her question, “So, how much chemistry should we be expecting from you and Timothee in this movie? You’re known to be very electric with your onscreen partners in your scenes so there’s no doubt in me that the sparks between you two will go absolutely haywire.”

You laugh, “Well, you know we did our best so hopefully the scenes are captivating and we were able to capture Luca’s intended emotions for the scenes.”

She nods, almost seeming like she wasn’t even listening, “And how about Timothee? He isn’t here tonight, will you and Armie be fine without him?”

You look around, “Oh is Armie here now?” You spot him along the carpet right as he looks over at you, waving and running over.

“Y/N!” He hugs you, as the interviewer stares at the two of you.

You wrap an arm around his back, “To answer your question, we won’t be needing Timothee.” You laugh.

Armie grabs hold of the mic in the interviewer’s hand, “This is live right?” He looks over at the interviewer who nods, “Timmy if you’re watching this, I hope you know we’re having the time of our lives here.”

He gives you a big smooch on the cheek, ruffling your hair and going back to the carpet with his wife who gives you a wave and blows a kiss towards you.

“Alright, so a few weeks ago, your team released a statement that you’ll be releasing your new album which from what we all understand has been in the making for a very long time?”

You nod, already expecting the next question out of her mouth.

“So is it safe to say songs from these past months since you last released an album will be in there.” You smile, nodding, “Then is it safe to assume we’ll be hearing some songs inspired by Tom?”

And there it was, “Well, you know this album will be a double release so it comes from all these beautiful moments since my last album, whether that be me in love, me falling out of love, hurting, laughing. I just think it’s gonna be such an important album for me since it captures so many beautiful moments in my life that I’m just very glad to be treasuring and emulating in my songs.” 

“And you aren’t nervous at all for any backlash? Since it has been a while since we last heard a song from you and since you last performed live, especially considering how your last tour ended up.”

You nod along, not taking offense to the questions, “Yeah, well you know, I have been writing songs and they’ve been given to other artists so there’s not too much worry in me that these songs won’t be well liked, and in terms of tour I just don’t think that’s something I can really handle still since the last one had me in a really bad place mentally, and this is something I really want my fans to understand, that mental illness isn’t something we can ignore until we pop. We have to handle it the best way we can and sometimes that just means we have to avoid things that might bring us bad feelings.”

Suddenly the crowd goes wild as a car comes to a stop, the person inside stepping out. You crane your neck trying to get a good look at who it was, but the amount of people was too much so you decide against it. It was probably a celebrity that wasn’t in the movie and is going to the premier or a close friend of Armie’s or Timothee’s, maybe it was Saoirse Ronan.

You look back at the interviewer who had spotted another up and coming celebrity, “And here we have George Mackay!” He waves towards the camera, giving you a grin and standing next to you after the interviewer called him over.

“I don’t quite know why I’m here for the interview seeing as it’s not my premier.” He laughs, “But I am very excited to watch this movie.” He gestured towards you, “This is our first time meeting but I am a very big fan.”

You cover your mouth, “You were so great in Marrowbone.”

“So, here we have another up and coming actor, George Mackay at the premier. Many of our viewers have said that you two should do a movie together soon.”

You giggle, “Well I don’t know, only if George is up for it.” 

He laughs, “I’ll have my agent call yours.” He jokes, “I’m quite excited for this one, You don’t really star in too many movies anymore so seeing Y/N in a movie is quite a treat.” He scratched the back of his head.

“Aren’t these two just adorable?” The interviewer laughs.

Suddenly an arm snakes around your back, and you turn only to see brown curly hair.

“Oh my! What a surprise, Timothee Chalamet has just arrived at the premier!”

Somehow George had made his way back to the carpet, Timothee now moving over to where George stood just moments ago.

You laugh nervously, “We thought you were still in Europe.” 

He looks at you, a light in his eyes, “I would never miss the premier for our movie, are you kidding me?!”

She gestured towards you, “What can you say about Y/N? How is she looking tonight?”

He takes a look at you up and down, “Well you know, that isn’t really in my line to say but she looks great, absolutely stunning. I think Y/N and I are the same in the regard that we pick our own clothes for these things, right?”

You nod, “Totally, and I only really wanted to look good because I knew if you somehow ended up here tonight you’d outshine me.”

He laughs, “No way! How could I outshine you, I mean come on!” He looks at the camera gesturing towards you, “Look how beautiful she looks!” You blush at that.

The interviewer laughs, “Well, we just got a first hand look at the chemistry we were just talking about, Y/N. You two look like you’re on a date night.” She pauses, “Now Timothee, now that you’re back how was Europe, what did you miss most in the States?”

He grins, “Well it’s pretty cold there, and what did I miss, well not really too much. Who I missed though is a whole different question.”

You laugh nervously, realizing you weren’t ready for the whole freaking world to know you and Timothee had confessed mutual attraction.

The interviewer points at Timothee’s arm around you, “Now that’s been going on for a while now, do you have anything to tell us?”

Timothee opens his mouth, but you beat him to it, “Well you know Timmy, always comfortable with everyone he meets. He’s just such a goofball that’s very easy to get comfortable with him.” You laugh.

He somehow gets the point and laughs along, “Yeah yeah, exactly. One night during the filming I hopped in bed with Armie and his wife.”

“So do you have any words for this movie, Timothee?”

He nods, “Of course, well Armie and I are just so lucky that Luca didn’t realize we were two of the biggest idiots he’s ever met, and I’m just so thankful that this movie brought me to Y/N here, who is just so lovely and was the only sensible one among Armie and I. I really hope we stay in touch since a lot of these movies you know, once the filming is done, the same goes for the relationships and friendships you build with everyone here.” He takes a breath, “I’m very proud of what we’ve made and I really hope nobody has any regrets with the movie.”

“Alright, well, I’ll let you two get to it. Thanks for giving us your time guys.” You wave at the interviewer and spot Luca along the carpet who was giving you hand signals to stick by Timothee the whole night.

You stand next to Timothee as pictures of the two of you were taken, “We need to talk.” You look up at him, right as he looks down at you.

“Okay.”

[nbapprentice]

You said a while back that while Supergiant games (Bastion, Transistor, Hades) was mostly okay, you had some words about them. I was curious as to what those words were, since Hades' full release is soon.

okay. alright. ive been playing hades lately so i definitely want to give my two cents (or dollars by the size this is gonna get). but let’s go Step by Step

the good: i want to throw a whole Endorsement over supergiant games with the art direction and its characters, which is what keeps me coming back again and again, and what i can assume is that most people are attracted to. 

gameplaywise, they have a Format they stick to which has become their staple, not to their detriment but to their advantage, like... gameplay tropes, so to speak, that they stick to (such as the addition of special conditions that give a disadvantage in exchange for more long-term rewards)

i fucking adore that they take one concept per game, go for it, and when they’re done they are Done; they don’t bother with sequels, they don’t want to run things to the ground and i fucking respect that. They have their themes, and they stick to them (to various degrees of success).

that said, like every piece of media, they are not perfect and this has to be analysed and spoken about

CONTENT WARNINGS: genocide and ethnic cleansing, antisemitism, misogyny, homophobia, suicide, and mentions of incest, and a general Spoilers warning

bastion: touches on ethnic cleansing, and not in a way i’d say is satisfactory. our narrator and one of our Sympathetic characters is one of the men who worked on a world-ending weapon meant to use against the Ura (a group of people coded as East Asian) which after a bit of googling is literally called “the final solution” if there was ever a war between the Ura and the Cael (who feel like rly tan white people to me). jesus fucking CHRIST.

we also meet more Ura other than our two named characters and we have to kill most of them. so that fucking blows.

the game tries for “being a genocidal monster will get you fucked up and blown up” which duh, but i feel we shouldn’t have had a person responsible for war crimes be one of our friends no matter how bad he feels about the whole thing, or the people victim of war crimes become villains in the latter half of the game. zia’s father could’ve taken ruck’s role ez pz.

transistor: the weakest of their games, imo; the lore and writing are fairly flimsy and i did not come out feeling Satisfied, especially because it had this rly good build-up that did not pay off. not to mention... their villains? 3/4 were gay people. lol. two married guys (not even explicit, you only realize by their shared last names) and the ps*cho lesbian trope (iirc she wanted to kill the protagonist’s lover or something). the female protagonist also ends up killing herself to live forever in a digital paradise with her dead lover. it’s. god. 

very Aesthetic, GORGEOUS music, interesting gameplay; had potential, i do not feel like it lived up to it at least as far as the story goes.

pyre: now this one. this one’s BEEFY. where transistor felt flimsy, pyre is rich; lots to sink your teeth into, rich in lore and loveable characters, again w the beautiful music, themes of cooperation and togetherness. my favorite of the cast is volfred sandalwood, the only Black (or, well, Black-coded) revolutionary i’ve ever seen portrayed with this amount of sympathy.

onto the bad: they literally have a Class of character named “Savage”; there’s the “mystical mentally ill person” trope; there is an overwhelming amount of explicit m/f pairs (one of them being. a romance that formed in a single day and then both of the characters were somehow willing to risk it all for each other? PLEASE) while the only hints of gayness are... hints. especially when Jodariel (another of my favs) is teased to have feelings for the player regardless of gender then only gets an ending with a male character with whom she has nothing in common 🙃

hades: and now. this one. music: gorgeous. character designs: spectacular (aphrodite is straight up naked but it’s so... natural and casual, it doesn’t feel sexualized at all). voice acting amazing. character interactions charming and endearing. as a greek mythology nerd, it was nice to see them go for the obscure shit like Zagreus at all, NOT portray Persephone and Hades as a loving couple, AND portrayed the gods as the bunch of petty assholes (some more benevolent than others) that they are. imo they’re too generous with their portrayal of achilles but i’ll allow it.

and finally... it seems all those criticisms about having all the gay characters hidden in the shadows paid off, cuz we got (aside of patroclus and achilles) a bisexual polyamorous protag. Holy Shit! and it’s not even playersexual, romance whomever you want shit without the routes recognizing each other: he explicitly talks about how he’s thinking abt them both (though it’s like “yeah usually mortals take one lover but gods love many huh” polyamory is a human thing too bro!!!!!)

and this is where it all goes, well, at least vaguely downhill lol. ok so the incest warning i gave up there? well. it’s not... outright incestuous. but it has some ugly implications. i want to emphasize: the characters never refer to each other as siblings, nor do they treat each other as such (thanatos, in fact, only recognizes hypnos as his brother, and megaera only sees the other furies as her sisters), but they were all raised by the same woman, Nyx... zagreus and thanatos even grew up together (im assuming megaera didnt meet zagreus until he was fully grown).

this is complicated even worse by the fact that they tried to trick zagreus into believing Nyx was his mother. he realized pretty early on this was not true but like... adoptive mothers, anyone? granted i can believe that bc of the attempt at deception that probably ruptured any attempt at actual familial closeness, and it’s not like hypnos and thanatos saw zagreus as their brother at any point, so they were p much aware of the truth too. with the fact that thanatos even looks like goth miles edgeworth (im not kidding you can google him up right now its literally edgeworth in a cowl) i rly feel they were aiming for Childhood Friend Anime Rival Man than the “surprise kiss bc ur not actually related <3″ shit. zagreus never once refers to nyx as his mother in-game, and also refers to thanatos and hypnos as her sons, never his brothers.

so yeah, like. if one’s feeling generous, zagreus and thanatos are more of a “my father is emotionally closed off and neglects me so my best friend’s mother basically raised me” kind of situation... just pulled off in, perhaps, the worst way possible (why didnt they just say Zagreus was told Hekate was his mom, that’s such an easy fix? or that he was born of nobody other than Hades??? [gestures at athena])

but then, the gods. aaaaaaaahhhhahahahh the gods. demeter shows up! and she calls zeus, hades and poseidon... her foster-brothers. which somehow would make the persephone thing less fucking awful, apparently. they really. really really did not need to do that. she could’ve just said “my fellow gods” or whatever. or my “god-brothers” or something, to pretend it was just a weird god alliance thing??? i dont know but implying that foster family isn’t family is just... bro, the dynamics still exist.

Don’t Like That.

i even contacted supergiant games over this. they reassured me they were even trying to avoid the incest of the original myths bc they didn’t want to mess with such a heavy theme. i believe them... but i really think they didn’t think this through. compared to something like fire emblem fates this is nearly benign, but the implications don’t look good :/

tl;dr of the tl;drs: i admire their artistic philosophy and the heavy emphasis on fresh gameplay, characters and their relationships; i appreciate that it seems that they listen to criticism?; i don’t appreciate that they didn’t think to at LEAST talk to adoptees when making a game about family.

[krismusings]

discord text thread featuring : Roman and @wtfraelynn

when : 02/09/21

mentions : @cilliankelly, @judetaylorhq, @vivibeckett

description : Rae confronts Roman about his confrontation with Cillian

TWs: i don’t think so dewhfiwefhewu

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

hey honey.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hey beautiful

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

listen...i heard about last night.

my brother says you accosted cil?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I confronted him yes

he hurt my sister.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

okay...but did you respond in a violent way.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I didn’t hurt him or anything

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

thankfully it didn't come to that.

but did you touch him

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Rae I really don’t want to talk about it

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

I mean. This involves my family, Ro.

I love you no matter what, but like, I'm going to let you know if I think you're wrong.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

cillian is not your family

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

He is. We grew up together.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

and he wronged my family.

yeah and what about your friendship with me? Is that shit or?

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i just said that i love you

you are just as important, and that's why i just want to understand what happened.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I’m not sorry for what I did. He broke my sister’s heart and used her, so I confronted him. I didn’t hit him like I wanted to so I count that as a win.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

But you touched him, it wasn't just a confrontation.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I grabbed the collar of his shirt. It’s not the end of the world.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

so you don't care that the fact that you scared him breaks my heart?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

it breaks my heart that just because he’s your brother’s boyfriend, it doesn’t matter what he does to hurt other people.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

did i say that?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

you know it takes a lot to upset me. I put up with a lot of shit to avoid confrontation.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

he's more than just jude's boyfriend, i told you he's my family. you don't know what it was like to grow up the way that we did. all we had was each other.

i know that you do. but you didn't have to do it the way that you did.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

and he’s not perfect.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

and i would never say that he is.

i mean can you imagine me calling someone perfect when i'm...literally this

the bar would have to be on the ground

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

there’s nothing wrong with you.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

there's a lot. but that doesn't matter.

look i just love you and i want this to be right.

and i love him and i need that to be okay.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you too and maybe eventually I’ll be sorry for scaring cillian but right now I’m not. I need him to make shit right with my sister.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i love vivi, and i'm sorry that he hurt her feelings.

you don't know the fear that went through me when jude just told me all that.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

she left the country because of him

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i had no idea that was him until literally today

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I didn’t know until last night because my sister is a good person and didn’t want anyone upset

but it is what it is

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i mean i can't relate to feeling that strongly about something but i'm sure if i could, i'd understand.

i wouldn't even leave the state over someone, so that's the point of view i have to work with

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

listen, I get it. You’re picking sides and your side is with Cillian.

just give me time

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

ro i love you.

i'm not trying to lose this

actually i think if i did i might die

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I’m not going anywhere but I feel how I feel and I can’t help that right now

I’m not saying I won’t apologize to cillian

but right now I don’t feel sorry

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i can understand that.

you didn't say it back.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you Rae. Nothing is ever going to change that.

what I AM sorry for, is that anything I’ve done has upset you.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

thank you, i do appreciate that.

I hope that when things look clearer in the rearview, we can talk about it in a more...productive way.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I know you have a history with Cill. I have a history with my sister. We were abused growing up and I was the only one there to protect her. I’ll always protect her.

and I hate that it was cillian. I do.

i care about him too. But it’s my sister.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

I mean. I called Claud a liar in the middle of a coffee shop just weeks ago. So I can't say I don't understand the impulse.

Just know that I understand. I don't like it, but I understand.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I’m sorry I did anything to upset you.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

I love you and you love me and we'll get through this.

It wasn't a fight. We didn't ruin our streak.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

let me take you to lunch or something please. We’ll talk about it in person.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

Maybe tomorrow? I just ate a giant breakfast. Guy I went home with cooked for me.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

oooo fancy lol

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

raelynn. I'm gonna be bloated at work tonight but it's worth it bc dude makes the best fucking coffee.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

I'm gonna be bloated at work tonight but it's worth it bc dude makes the best fucking coffee.

literally my belly is sticking out

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

that’s adorable

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i hope nobody asks aaron if one of his cage dancer's is pregnant

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

oh stop lol

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

smooches u. i'm glad we're not fighting.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

me too I was about to panic

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i was already crying lmao

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you. I’m so sorry this has upset you.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i don't like what you did but i still love you, doofus.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

it was hot though at least right? Tell me my aggression is hot

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

are we talking about a scenario where it's not someone i'm ride or die for?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yes

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

bc in that situation, if i saw it, i'd be on my knees for you in less than a second.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

ok good that makes me feel better

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i've never ever seen you like that.

the idea of it in this context makes me ill. but in another context, idk, i'd maybe need to act up

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yeah it takes a lot to push me lol

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i guess i'm just happy no one was seriously hurt.

but i still want you to make this right. when you're ready.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I definitely wouldn’t hurt him. That’s not what I wanted.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

I can't see that ever being something you want.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I’m just tired of Vivi getting shit on when she’s such a good person and has been through so much.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

she's gonna find someone who's emotionally ready for her at some point. it just really wasn't cil, you know?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I know but it could’ve been handled better.

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

i think so too. but what's done is done.

[karasumajo]

I read through the old messages with my last favorite person.

I never realized how easily I would bend to his word and needs 😅 or just how much affection and care I'd give to him. At the time I guess I wouldn't have, I use to react purely on emotions and feelings without a thought.

I guess if makes sense that my ex didn't like him, but I would still talk to him and make time and do my best to always be there for him. Now, looking back,I guess I could see why my ex boyfriend felt the threat from him. But it was purely just friendship.

I guess I liked having someone to care about and who depended on my being there for them.

There was a conversation I saw between him and I

Him: "Are you awake?"

Me: "of course, what's up?"

Him: "I just really need someone. I'm feeling anxious, sad, I can't sleep."

Me: " :( I'm always here ____♡ it's okay. Do you want to talk on the phone? Want to come over? Want foods?"

Him: "idk, I guess not being alone would be nice, ill head over."

Me: "okay, I'll make something to eat! We can sit outside and eat! See you soon ♡"

It was like 2am. I remember that day was a terrible day at work but I wanted to be there for him lol. But it was always that way when he didn't want to be alone, and I always made myself available to him.

We even had a conversation once where he proposed that if when we are older and single, perhaps we can just have some kind of FWB relationship 😅 and I just...agreed. like I didn't even factor in how that might effect me.

Anyway, what hurt me to read was when I realized I was begging him to talk to me. I mean I don't blame him, his relationship would obviously be more important than me and also I guess having me as a friend was a liability. But I did my best to keep boundaries for him and his gf. I just wanted him to talk to me at least.

But then, one day, he said something....so ...stupid lol

We had gone to the mall together as we usually did, and his gf called, asked what he was up To.

He told her.. "I'm at the mall with my ex."

.......

Not (my name here). Not "my best friend". Not even just "my friend". MY EX. WHO TF SAYS THAT ???

So I guess she obviously was unhappy and he goes to take the call privately. I started feeling anxious and like I'm doing something wrong... 😅 when he came back I asked if that's all he sees me as? His ex? And he said Well you are, you're my ex girlfriend after all, im not going to lie to her.

I said but ____ ...I'm you're friend... 😅. And he said Yeah, but we dated. You're my ex.

So here we are at the mall, I just bought him all these gifts because yknow I'm a dumb bitch, and he's just there calling me his ex and nonchalantly... 😅

That's where things went downhill.

His girlfriend hated me. My existence. I guess rightfully so...but she never would tell him to get shit together, she would come after me about it with messages and phone calls...it was stressful lol.

Then when I thought things were fine, everything finally was hashed out, I still have my fp, his gf is actually cool, she's my new friend. Everything is fine

He blocked me.

He didn't just block me, but basically erased my existence from his life.

Couldn't text or call him. Couldn't DM him. Couldn't send him a fb message. Literally nothing.

His brother told me he got rid of all the paintings I made for him. All the gifts.

He deleted me.

And I just... didn't exist anymore.

I panicked. I got scared and I got anxious and I tried what I could to just get a word out of him, something. Just tell me WHY?????? lol..like why just shut me out, in like the most random and hurtful way possible? After everything, don't I at least deserve a heads up? An explanation? Idk, something? Fucking smoke signals? A letter? An email?????

That was it. He just deleted me. My last message to him I left on IG was

"____ I'm not even angry at this point. Just please tell me what I did wrong now? Please just tell me what happened? I'm sorry if I hurt you or if I hurt ______ in anyway...Just don't shut me out like this please. Whatever your reasons are at this point okay fine but just please tell me why and what I did. I just need to at least know.."

I got no reply back and that was the last message.

For the next following days, weeks, months. I guess I went through withdrawal of not talking to him everyday 😅 not having that friendship. I was depressed, crying all the time, anxiety would rise and fall throughout the day dramatically. I'd anxiously look at my phone hoping he'd replied. But I never got anything.

I missed him.

After some time, another person we knew told me that he was talking about me at his job. At first I thought "oh? Maybe he's thinking of talking to me again?"

But no.

He talked about what a shit friend I was. How I never showed care. How I apparently was always such a bitch and didn't know how to just chill out. How I was always so intense and my favorite "she's a mess".

He read my message, and told everyone he didn't bother replying because "how can she not see how she's a lot".

😅

So naturally, I emailed him 😂.

I told him how much I hated him, how he's a piece of shit, how dare he call me a bad friend. I told him what a little bitch he is and how I wanted to beat his face in and to stay the fuck away from me forever.

Yknow, all that good stuff...

I mean clearly, yeah, I'm a mess. But I wasn't a bad friend. That much I knew, but it didn't matter. The thoughts ate me up. The worry and overthinking had a field day in my head. The constant thought of "you see how you're so much you just fuck shit up? Why can't you just be normal?"

He made me question my own sanity, my love, the way I am. Am I really innocent? What if he's right? What I even fooled myself into thinking I'm good but really, what if I'm just so evil that I'm good at manipulating others into believing I'm good?

I still wonder that tho, I live in constant doubt of myself and my own intentions, I wonder if I'll ever be able to just be me and not feel like I constantly need to validate and confirm my own emotions and feelings accordingly. It's tiring and now I don't even know how to just react without thinking about my reactions first.

Today he tried pretending non of that happened. Like he never had anything to do with the way I am now. He smiled, he joked, he talked to me, he tried hugging me. He took me to Chipotle to get lunch. Then he asked me about how I've been and how I've been dealing with my anxiety. Because he worried.....

LOL EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME SIR???????

Needless to say I went off and told him how we are just coworkers and he lost the right to ask that question forever ago.

Still, the fucked up part is, I still miss him. 🙄 ew.

I don't even know why I'm writing all this. Maybe Because writing it makes it so that it's out of my head and here. Maybe a small part of me felt happy today because small moments felt like the old days. With his dumb jokes and always finding ways to make me laugh and smile.

Mostly I guess to remind myself why I can't let myself be swayed back in a friendship with someone like him. Because I know that if I did, it would just end the same and I would have played myself again.

Womp, well that was a lot 😅 im gonna go back to sleep now, this kinda helped I guess.

Sorry for the long rant and shit 😅 goodnight nobody and everybody!

[g0thb4rbie]

@princessrabies , mind u half of this was written high and i didnt edit this . also dont steal it lol

{title}

the hours of knocking finally stopped but the migraine that eliza had was still raging. her phone was thrown across the room sadly still ringing. eliza had entertained a few toxic people in her life but none of them acted like casey. casey was a 3 week old fling who became severely attached.

*27 missed calls*

“answer me”

“answer or ill kill u”

“i kno where u live”

“this is torture”

“ill kill u bitch”

“how could u do this to me”

“god i fucking hate u”

“u know how much i loved u right”

“nobody will ever treat u better”

“u dont even deserve better”

“ur such a fucking whore i hate u”

“i have pics of u”

“ill show everybody”

eliza sat sobbing in the corner opposite of the device, letting the insults sit on the home screen. she’d heard it all before. he had nothing. she barely even kissed him let alone send him photos of herself. they talked romantically and hung out 3

times in total. she used to fall for it but after the second time she gave up believing anything casey said. her head was buried in her knees and her sobs echoed through the room.

“can you shut that fucking thing off?”

her roommate cherry was sitting in the living room watching tv. footsteps followed the path from the couch to eliza’s room. eliza looked teary eyed fearful of what was to happen. she couldn’t handle that much more emotional distress. if cherry yelled at her she didnt know what she would do. the door flung open and cherry stood calmly with a tub of ice cream held between her arm and side and a lighter in her other hand.

“is that casey” she slurred, her mouth filled with melting ice cream. cherry never had a good feeling about casey. she’s right about most people eliza talks to, saying they give her “bad vibes” or that they “seem weird and off. “ she claimed she was psychic but maybe its because most of the people eliza dates say weird or off shit within the first few minutes of meeting cherry. cherry always brought out the weird in people. she was the weird in people. she constantly spoke about the devil and cults; sometimes spoke about how cool it would be to have one of her own.

“follower or leader” she said, “im there for the ride. “

“yes...” eliza spoke between breaths.

“oh lord” cherry walked toward eliza and handed the tub with a spoon stuck in the ice cream down to her. “i’ll handle it”

cherry found her way over to the phone. buzzing less often with the same threats of exposing eliza. cherry picked it up and pushed her thumb on the home button. eliza and cherry decided that in case of emergency they should have each other’s passcodes.

“cherry don’t... please. you’ll make things worse”

cherry raised a joint to her mouth and lit it.

“shut up. everything will be fine. he needs to know his fuckin’ place” she spoke through clenched lips. cherry waited for the line to pick up while pulling smoke tricks. the smoke rose to the ceiling and the call ended. “oh so now you don’t have anything to say” she called again this time the rings ending after thirty seconds. “pussy...” she chuckled and padded towards eliza, still teary eyed but distracting herself with the ice cream rather than focusing of the situation at hand.

“did you seriously buy the neapolitan kind again?” eliza stabbed the spoon into the strawberry section and dug out a small piece.

“yes its good, suck my dick.” she retorted. sitting down next to eliza and taking another hit. “what’s he even doing? he was begging like a minute ago”

“let’s pray he gave up.”

“he shouldn’t get off the hook that easily!”

“no, but i should.” eliza reached over cherry for her phone and turned it off.

“he has to pay... somehow.”

“he is. he’s a lonely scumbag who jerks off to Instagram models. he’s not worth my time.”

cherry sighed, “i just think that we both deserve better. i’ve had to deal with that prick for far too long.” she pulled up Twitter and began scrolling.

“i don’t even know what i could do to him. he shouldn’t even matter. it was three weeks.”

“yea and the terrorist activity has been going on for what. a month? i’ve lost sleep over this fucking guy. im pissed.”

silence fell over the two as cherry finished smoking.

“im serious. you always leave me with the strawberry, i dont fucking like it. just buy-“

“shhhhhhh, this might make you feel more empowered. check out eileen wuornos here. “

“who?” eliza turned her head.

“shut up, look.” cherry turned her screen to show a news headline that read: LOCAL WOMAN USES “DEVIL MAGIC” TO PUT HITS OUT ON ABUSIVE EX-LOVERS.

“Ha, that’s what they get.” Eliza scoffed and looked back at her lap.

“Wouldn’t that be so cool?”

“What, giving our souls to the literal Devil himself?”

“Well no, not the part,” Cherry looked off to the side in annoyance, “but the idea of getting anything you wanted, if you just chanted a few words and drew a little blood.”

“I would love to be invisible and never ever have to deal with being weak again.”

“Weak? You’re not weak.” Cherry’s brow furrowed.

“Yes, I am. I can’t even deal with this stupid guy.” Eliza dropped the spoon and put her hands on her face muffle her cries.

“I’ve dealt with guys like this before. I’ve done the same shit you do. You’re not weak.” Cherry sat on her knees and rubbed a comforting hand on Eliza’s shoulder. “Come on, let’s watch this video of that lady. I bet she sounds crazy! Crazy like ‘Oh fuck, you aren’t going to prison but you’re going somewhere for a long time.’ Cherry played the video as Eliza sat the tub next to her and rested her chin on her knees.

“So... May I ask? Why did you do this?” A T.V doctor spoke through a grey mustache. He wasn’t required to do anything but make her a laughing stock. She sat in front of him with long stringy hair, sunken eyes, and pale skin. She looked crazy but refer to his job description to figure out why.

“I felt compelled to the dark side of magic. Someone through the mirror called to me, asked me what my desires were. I told them simply and they said that for a price. I could be an elite. “ Her voiced was calm and pitched down. Her dark eyes stared at the camera as the last words trickled out of her mouth.

“What did you pay?” He watched her intently; waiting for her to jump at him or exorcise herself *LIVE ON CAMERA!!!!*

“The only money that matters... My soul...” She leaned forward, now glaring at the doctor.

“Right... So what did these men do?” He looked away.

“Well, they cheated, lied, stalked, beat and revealed pictures of me nehkid. “ Her southern accent poked through.

“You mean, naked?” The doctor dismissed it as soon as her asked, “And how do you contact those in the mirror, as you said?”

“I lit a few candles, said a few words, drew a little blood and asked for what I wanted.”

“Did you want them dead, initially?”

“No, I wanted them to feel as hurt as I felt when they did all that stuff.”

“And where did you find this... this chant?”

“Well the internet, obviously.” She rolled her eyes as the clip came to an end.

Cherry pulled her phone back closer to her and began looking for “Satanic rituals” as Eliza stared in thought of what she just viewed.

A small gasp left Cherry, “Eliza.”

“What?”

Cherry clicked a link and showed Eliza a website filled with gothic and bloody font and pictures of goth girls in corsets. “I know exactly what we’re doing tonight.”

[100-yardstare]

I can’t believe I missed ace awareness week. I wanted to blog a little about it, but my computer charger failed on me and it’s taken about a month for me to prepare for the bill to replace it. I feel yucky right now so I just felt like writing about what’s going on in general instead.

I’ve been on so many interviews. I was screwed over on my last big job interview (the one I ranted about last time) partially because I think my old boss that said she be a reference flat out told me she wasn’t going to do it AFTER I submitted her as a reference to the job, so I’m almost 98% sure I was passed over because of that. In addition one of the committee members that interviewed me got mad at me for calling her “ma’m”. She explained she wasn’t from Texas, and I apologized and said something on the lines of it must be a culture shock for her and I didn’t mean to offend. Somehow people think the term is used as an insult now, and that is beyond me. I guess I’m old school lol age is catching up with me and I’m not even realizing it.

So I’ve been on plenty of interviews since then but I keep getting passed over. The last one I had to take a aptitude test, and after receiving feedback from them as to why I was rejected, it’s apparently because I’m a slow calculator/clerical worker. Big whoop because I already know that. I am really feeling the negativity now as an adult looking for work about neurodivergent people trying to find a place in a neurotypical working world. I don’t want to disclose me being ADD to anybody in pre-employment screenings because I don’t want that label to penalize me. But one way or another being ADD does just so anyway.

Because it’s been about 9 months now without work I’ve been seeing my savings decline heavily. My medication bills are at least 155 a month, and on top of that I’m still paying off a stupid hospital bill from 3 years ago that was roughly 2,000 dollars for swallowing barium and a doctor looking at an X-Ray. So that comes to immediately at minimum 200+ dollars a month just on that. Add in the other stuff and I’m fucked without an income. I’ve applied to so many retail jobs too, but nobody gets back to me either.

I don’t go out much anymore because I can’t afford to charge for dinners, so I eat whatever my mom cooks. If she is too sick from her RA, then I try and cook, but because we don’t go to the store as often anymore to save on bills (my parents are having a hard time too) I have resorted to eating canned beans, soups, and others of likeness that don’t go bad. My father is also emotionally abusive to both me and my mom, and it’s gotten worse ever since he started having problems with his job. I can’t leave because I don’t have the money to live on my own. My hobbies have heavily declined. I used to make at least two big cosplay’s a year, and go to conventions, but I can’t do that because, OH NO, I don’t have enough money, and I can’t get a job. I cry all the time because I am so bored. I go out of the house only to volunteer once a week because gas money is tight, and to take my mom on errands. I dream constantly of going on trips. I feel trapped in this house I might as well be a ghost. I stare at my phone all day in hopes of either getting a response from an employer or validation from my social media, it’s pathetic. Imagine being so bored and trapped in your house AND being ADD. It’s like my mind is constantly going places and running around, and I just get emotionally exhausted because I have to tell myself, “no, I can’t afford to go eat at that place, I can’t afford to go on a roadtrip, I can’t buy the material to do my hobby”.

Here is what I learned from all this, which I’m sure a lot of you have already learned, or will learn. Getting a degree doesn’t do you shit. The world hates you and doesn’t care about you, yet values you only on how productive you are and how much money you can make. I see my friends trapped in this mindset right now, but what am I supposed to do? Tell them to give up on their dreams? My cousin is going to grad school for her SECOND Master’s because her other one isn’t getting her good jobs. She even has a full time job on top of it, but her car broke down, and with a full-time paying job she CAN’T AFFORD TO FIX IT. My friend is going to college to get a degree in computer engineering of the sorts, but she’s already 40,000+ dollars in loans. Tbh I’m so glad my brother dropped college. He was trying to complete a degree he didn’t even like, loathed as a matter of fact to the point of attempting suicide. My dad always told him trade school was bullshit, which is A LIE, so I’m sure he felt like he didn’t have any other options when he started. The trades are an awesome career path, and I have a deep respect for anyone who can become a welder, plumber, or whatever. Whatever he ends up doing I’ll be proud of him regardless. I’ve learned that there are other ways to make something for yourself. The traditional route of college doesn’t bring the American Dream, only our persistence and spirit does.

If you’ve gotten this far reading this, this is NOT to say drop out of school. But plan ahead. Don’t jump into college right after HS just because it’s expected of you. Don’t do a degree that you think is good just because it will make you money. One thing college did for me was teach me about myself. I have a massive learning disability, and I graduated. I worked hard for YEARS, thinking I’d never graduate because I had such a hard time keeping my grades up, managing my health, and all the sorts. But I did it! I graduated. The world has told me that doesn’t matter. The world is going to tell YOU that nothing you do matters or is of worth. But it is. You matter. You are NOT a burden.

I will say that all that has happened to me makes me a fierce advocate for those with disabilities and mental illness. My last job working at an ABA clinic showed me that babies (yes, literally BABIES) that don’t act neurotypical will be punished for it. I’ve seen in the work world that if you don’t act neurotypical, you are punished for it. Where I currently volunteer now there is a huge respect for disabled individuals. I see a lot of kids with cerebral palsy, autism, ADHD/ADD, and even physical disabilities. This one boy with CP couldn’t even walk before, let alone stand up, and now thanks to Equine Assisted Therapy, he can sit up and walk with assistance. He did that! That was his accomplishment and I am so proud of him. And yet a lot of people in the world will look at him with just another kid with disabilities that will probably not amount to much. See where I’m getting at? I’m so protective of these people because I am like them. One way or another, we have to stand up for eachother. My story with ADD may not be the same as a particular person with autism, CP, or mental illnesses, but we have to look out for each other. Going through all this has made me a stronger person and I will defend us with everything I’ve got.

FYI if any of you reading this wants to donate to a good organization this year for the holiday’s I’d HIGHLY recommend SIRE Therapeutic Horsemanship in TX. Great wonderful group of people and animals.

Yes, I’m in a horrible place right now. But I’ve learned. I sincerely hope things will change for me soon so I can better take care of myself and my mom, but of course I’m human and I’m going to suffer anyway in the moment. I hope 2020 is going to be better for me because this year was terrible. I crave financial independence, the ability to travel and see and experience new things, and be in a better spot professionally, and personally to do the things I want to do. Graduate school isn’t even an option right now because I can’t afford it, and as of now, I don’t care to go to graduate school. Maybe someday, years from now, but at this rate I’m so sick and tired of expectations from society I just say fuck it. I’ll get there at my own pace. And I’ll be successful without the worlds opinion on what makes me successful.

[incorrectchoniberonicaswangs]

hey baby won't you look my way (i can be your new addiction)

Chapter 7: gays you ever just ahsnfdjsl?? part 1

Chapter Summary: Holiday parties are planned, Cheryl and Toni are Kevin's sapphic moms, an intervention is held, Alice and Hermione are adorable and everyone loves them, Kangs has some news, and Sweet Pea runs away from his problems.

Notes: theMANtle: reggie

ao3

Friday, 3:17 PM

gays united

hbicheryl: its winter break!! finally a respite from the chaos!!

jugheadalones: im so excited!

hbicheryl: hold up, hobo is excited about something??

hisshissmotherfucker: ^^ jones are you sick

jugheadalones: okay, first of all fuck you

jugheadalones: second of all im excited to return to the near-comatose state i maintain every time we have a long period of time off from school

nopeaz: that makes more sense

veroffica: as enjoyable as that likely is to you, holden caulfield, it won't be happening this break. i'm hosting a christmas eve party at the pembrooke starting at 8:00 pm and you are all invited.

veroffica: and you'd better all show up, or else i'll sic my new bodyguard on you.

goingtoheller: i assume you mean betty.

wannabett: guilty :/

spillthefogarTEA: ill be there. and NOT because of your threats

spillthefogarTEA: even though betty is kind of intimidating

goingtoheller: i'll come as well.

nopeaz: cher and ill come too

hisshissmotherfucker: i love parties im there

jugheadalones: i dont suppose i really have a choice do i?

wannabett: not really. sorry jug

jugheadalones: fine.

hbicheryl: speaking of holiday parties

hbicheryl: new years eve party, thistlehouse, time tbd, if you arent there youre dead to me

veroffica: b and i will be there.

spillthefogarTEA: me too

goingtoheller: i'll be there.

hisshissmotherfucker: i hear cheryls parties are infamously dramatic

hisshissmotherfucker: so im definitely coming

hisshissmotherfucker: as long as i dont end up doing seven minutes in heaven with archie like veronica

veroffica: will nobody ever let me forget that??

hisshissmotherfucker: nope

jugheadalones: why do all these party invites come with threats of retribution if you dont attend?

hbicheryl: bc if there wasnt then youd never come

jugheadalones: ill come. begrudgingly.

nopeaz: and ofc ill be there obviously

jugheadalones: wait am i missing something? why is that obvious?

hbicheryl: oh right we didnt tell you lol

hbicheryl: tt moved in with me

goingtoheller: WHAT??

goingtoheller: my sapphic moms moved in together aND I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA??

hisshissmotherfucker: why is keller suddenly chonis kid when did this happen??

hbicheryl: please kevin is basically toni and i's love child

hbicheryl: he has my sass (well not as good as mine but hes trying), my gayness, and my strange desire for dumbass serpents

nopeaz: and my propensity for saying 'this is riveting i cant breathe'

goingtoheller: aw, thanks, moms! mostly! :)

nopeaz: no problem son

hbicheryl: yes we are very proud of you kev (mostly)

jugheadalones: huh i never actually thought about it but that... works?

wannabett: okay cheryl and toni are like the least qualified people here to be anyones lesbian moms?? theyre literally gang members??

hbicheryl: stfu nightmare smurfette do not EVER criticize my parenting skills

hbicheryl: toni and i have slaved for weeks, even MONTHS to make sure that kevin turns into a proper young gay man

hbicheryl: and you have the AUDACITY to suggest that just because my gf and i are deeply flawed people we would corrupt poor kevin??

wannabett: uh... no?

hbicheryl: thats what i thought

nopeaz: wow angry cheryl is scary but hot

spillthefogarTEA: topaz, you are so whipped

spillthefogarTEA: and REALLY fucking gay

nopeaz: yeah ik

jugheadalones: moving on

jugheadalones: speaking of people taking a big step and deciding to live with each other... betty and veronica, we need to talk.

veroffica: um... what?

veroffica: is this some sort of intervention?

hisshissmotherfucker: yes

spillthefogarTEA: moving in together might be considered friendly if, say, betty didnt already have a house that she lives in

nopeaz: but this decision is beyond simple friendship

hbicheryl: and its certainly anything but heterosexual

wannabett: why are you guys finishing each others sentences?? did you plan this??

hisshissmotherfucker: no shit sherlock

veroffica: how do you guys even have this information??

goingtoheller: we have our ways.

wannabett: archie somehow saw our texts through my window

wannabett: jughead told me last night, sorry i didnt tell you v, i didnt know that this was going to happen

nopeaz: dammit jones why do you have to ruin all our fun!!

jugheadalones: i didnt realize that this was a rule?

jugheadalones: so anyway

jugheadalones: b&v, now that you have been confronted with cold hard proof of your undying love for each other, what do you have to say for yourselves?

wannabett: guys im straight!!

goingtoheller: ooh, betty's pulling the straight card.

hbicheryl: i called it! tt, sp, fangs, and jughead, you all owe me $10

hbicheryl: cousin betty is nothing if not predictable in the face of her sexuality being questioned

veroffica: hey, you made bets on this?? not cool!

wannabett: ^^^^

wannabett: and i am NOT predictable!!

hbicheryl: i predicted she was going to say that

hbicheryl: thats another $10 guys

hisshissmotherfucker: for once i trusted in someones willingness to admit when they were wrong and now because of that cheryl is robbing us blind! smh never again

spillthefogarTEA: veronica? you never answered the question

veroffica: uh...

veroffica: i mean, um...

veroffica: we've never even kissed! i'm pretty sure we aren't dating!

nopeaz: to be fair though i wouldnt be surprised if you two were dating without knowing it

veroffica: guys, now really isn't a good time.

jugheadalones: mmmhmm

wannabett: no seriously v and i are getting ready for the christmas eve party

wannabett: its in three days remember

hbicheryl: ugh fine i suppose thats a reasonable explanation

veroffica: and since i know that you won't let this go, at the party you can ask us whatever you want about this.

goingtoheller: wait... for real?

wannabett: uh yeah really v??

veroffica: within reason, of course.

spillthefogarTEA: wow this is more than i expected to come from this

veroffica: one condition, though. you can't pester b and i about it before the party.

veroffica: deal?

hisshissmotherfucker: deal

wannabett: now that thats settled v and i are going to get to work

veroffica: we'll probably be off the grid until maybe a few hours before the party.

[wannabett is offline]

[veroffica is offline]

hbicheryl: toni and i are already headed over to pops, anyone want to join us?

jugheadalones: wont we just be three-wheeling?

hbicheryl: not if we are in a large group

hisshissmotherfucker: ill come if you come jones

jugheadalones: sure.

hisshissmotherfucker: ill be there in five

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

jugheadalones: kevin, fangs?

spillthefogarTEA: im good

goingtoheller: ^^

nopeaz: okay otw

[nopeaz is offline]

[hbicheryl is offline]

jugheadalones: leaving now

[jugheadalones is offline]

6:35 PM

nopeaz: GUYS YOULL NEVER BELIEVE WHO JUST WALKED IN

spillthefogarTEA: who is it??

spillthefogarTEA: tell me you know im not good with suspense!!

jugheadalones: its alice cooper and hermione lodge!

hisshissmotherfucker: it seems as though archies intel was correct again

hisshissmotherfucker: damn that omniscient fucking northsider

hbicheryl: now i really wish that betty and veronica werent offline so they could hear about this

goingtoheller: why? do you hate them?

hbicheryl: hate is a strong word

hbicheryl: id say that i just occasionally want them to suffer

goingtoheller: that isn't much better...

hbicheryl: i guess ill just have to wait until the party to tell them

nopeaz: okay so they just got a booth and its basically diagonal from ours

jugheadalones: but theyre so enamoured with each other i dont think they even noticed that were here

hbicheryl: wow i dont think ive ever seen aunt alice this happy before

spillthefogarTEA: ugh this sounds so adorable i wish i was there

hisshissmotherfucker: dont worry well narrate their every movement so well itll be like you are

nopeaz: oh shit they keep reaching for each other like every five seconds

spillthefogarTEA: im WEAK

jugheadalones: its so hard to believe that they ever hated each other with the way theyre acting now

jugheadalones: homophobia can really fuck shit up huh

goingtoheller: this is the couple i never knew i needed, but now that i have seen that it's possible, i'm in love.

hisshissmotherfucker: im in shock i cant believe that the same alice cooper that grounded her daughter from any and all contact with the outside world is now just essentially the personification of heart eyes

hbicheryl: this town is so small were all basically inbred

hbicheryl: next thing you know fp and fred are going to be fucking too

jugheadalones: okay i did NOT need that image

nopeaz: AHHHH THEY WENT IN FOR A KISS MAYDAY MAYDAY THIS IS NOT A DRILL

spillthefogarTEA: AHHHHH

goingtoheller: AHHHHHHH

nopeaz: AHHHHHHH

jugheadalones: even i, being asexual and aromantic, have to admit that im loving living vicariously through these two

hisshissmotherfucker: k so they stopped

hisshissmotherfucker: wait no theyre kissing again!

hisshissmotherfucker: and again!

hisshissmotherfucker: and again!

hisshissmotherfucker: okay now theyre just making out

nopeaz: get it girl(s)

hbicheryl: its getting pretty heated

hbicheryl: it feels like the windows are going to start fogging up

jugheadalones: oh damn they stopped

jugheadalones: ms cooper is waving pop over now

goingtoheller: is it creepy that we're so invested in their date?

spillthefogarTEA: probably not

hisshissmotherfucker: nah

jugheadalones: lets go with no

nopeaz: nope

hbicheryl: its only creepy if we get turned on

goingtoheller: moving on... what's happening now??

nopeaz: they got the check and now theyre paying

nopeaz: they can barely keep their hands off of each other

nopeaz: now theyre leaving

nopeaz: should i follow them to keep narrating?

goingtoheller: won't they notice??

jugheadalones: no theyve only got eyes for each other

jugheadalones: follow them SUBTLY while we hold down the table

nopeaz: roger that

hbicheryl: youre such a nerd

nopeaz: you love it

hbicheryl: duh

hbicheryl: now follow them!!

nopeaz: already doing it

nopeaz: so they made it to their car

nopeaz: okay wow wasnt expecting that but im not complaining

spillthefogarTEA: whats happening???

nopeaz: alice just shoved hermione up against the car door and now theyre hardcore making out

nopeaz: damn i wonder if theyre even going to get home or if theyre just going to do it in the parking lot

hisshissmotherfucker: i cant believe alice cooper and mayor lodge BOTH have better sex lives than i do wtf

goingtoheller: who knew that hermione lodge was such a bottom??

hbicheryl: well you know what they say about people in positions of power

hbicheryl: top in the streets bottom in the sheets

jugheadalones: wait cheryl that could apply to you as well

spillthefogarTEA: ooh is the class president getting the strap from the vice president

nopeaz: fuck off fangs

nopeaz: okay so they finally managed to regain some semblance of control

nopeaz: aaaaand theyre driving away

nopeaz: shows over folks

hbicheryl: lets clear out men

nopeaz: meet me by the bike cher

hbicheryl: be there in a sec babe xx

jugheadalones: wait are you telling me that cheryl blossom rode a motorcycle??

hisshissmotherfucker: yeah red i thought you said they were death traps

hbicheryl: well yeah but that was before i got on it

hbicheryl: its like a giant vibrator

hbicheryl: and riding it with toni is basically just the most acceptable type of public sex

goingtoheller: gross.

hisshissmotherfucker: never thought id agree with keller but yeah tmi

nopeaz: whatever

nopeaz: bye fuckers see you all at veronicas party

[nopeaz is offline]

[hbicheryl is offline]

jugheadalones: im headed out too

[jugheadalones is offline]

hisshissmotherfucker: me too

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

Monday, 6:43 PM

wannabett: b&v are back bitches!!

veroffica: and, looking through the chat from the past few days... i'm glad i was gone.

wannabett: although now i know what 'hot date' my mom was talking about :/

wannabett: even though i never wanted to know

wannabett: some things are best kept secret especially when your mom goes out on a date with your best friends mom!!

hbicheryl: youre welcome :)

veroffica: cheryl, at this very moment, i simultaneously respect, despise, and fear you.

hbicheryl: aw thanks thats what im always going for!

veroffica: anyway, the party will be starting in an hour or so, but some of my relatives will be over in the meantime. if you've got anything to say that doesn't involve the date my mom and betty's mom have, feel free. if you don't, go to hell.

hisshissmotherfucker: hey im in the neighborhood and i dont have anything else to do would you mind if i came over now

veroffica: sure thing!

hisshissmotherfucker: are you sure your relatives will be fine with me being there?

veroffica: yeah. i mean, betty's here too anyway!

hisshissmotherfucker: k

6:48 PM

goingtoheller + veroffica

goingtoheller: hey, would you happen to have some time you could set away during the party? fangs and i have an announcement we'd like to make.

veroffica: sure thing, kev. how does around 10 sound?

goingtoheller: perfect. thanks, v!

veroffica: no problem.

7:22 PM

gays united

hisshissmotherfucker: rn betty looks like she cant decide whether to be a guard dog or an excited puppy lmao

jugheadalones: context?

hisshissmotherfucker: veronicas greeting her relatives and bettys following her so closely shes practically stepping on her heels

goingtoheller: well, v is definitely holding betty's leash.

nopeaz: yeah veronicas got her by the collar

spillthefogarTEA: if betty doesnt watch her step then shes really going to be in the doghouse

wannabett: stop with the dog puns!! i am not a dog!!

hbicheryl: okay but you have to admit those were pretty good

wannabett: i will admit no such thing! now if youll excuse me im going to go back to talking to ronnies relatives with her

[wannabett is offline]

hisshissmotherfucker: i guess ill keep you all informed on their gay shenanigans

nopeaz: who even says shenanigans anymore??

hisshissmotherfucker: uh i do fight me

nopeaz: square up bitch

hbicheryl: if i had a dollar for every time tt and sp said that they were going to fight i would have enough money to rebuild thornhill

goingtoheller: cheryl, you're the one who burned it down in the first place.

hbicheryl: yes and??

goingtoheller: ...nevermind.

hisshissmotherfucker: im snoRTING

jugheadalones: what happened?

hisshissmotherfucker: so veronica was talking to one of her relatives right

hisshissmotherfucker: and the relative asks her if she has a boyfriend

hisshissmotherfucker: veronica laughs a little and says no so her relative looks at betty whos still trailing behind her like a shadow

hisshissmotherfucker: and knowingly says "oh i see, a girlfriend"

spillthefogarTEA: ajklfshagak i cant even

hisshissmotherfucker: both of them are sputtering uncontrollably unable to formulate a response im dying

hbicheryl: ahahah it was only a matter of time before something like this happened but im really glad it did

nopeaz: i mean relatives are supposed to know you better than anyone else right?

jugheadalones: oh b&v you oblivious wlw

goingtoheller: we're never letting them let this down, are we?

spillthefogarTEA: not a chance

hisshissmotherfucker: IT GOT BETTER

hisshissmotherfucker: veronica finally managed to speak and she (unconvincingly) insisted that she and betty were just friends etc etc and her relative just raised her eyebrows and went "mmhm"

nopeaz: drag themmmmm

hbicheryl: omg we stan

hisshissmotherfucker: im trying to stifle my laughter bc betty and veronica look like they want to murder me

hisshissmotherfucker: but you know what screw it its worth it

hisshissmotherfucker: oh shit bettys coming over here and she looks pissed

hisshissmotherfucker: hello punks, this is betty. i hope youve had your fun listening to sweet pea narrate everything but now im taking his phone and wont be giving it back until the party starts

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

jugheadalones: awww

goingtoheller: at least the party starts soon anyway. then, i'm sure we'll get even more beronica fodder.

jugheadalones: true

hbicheryl: see you then losers

spillthefogarTEA: back at ya cheryl

7:48 PM

nopeaz: cher and i are on our way

goingtoheller: fangs and i are leaving now.

jugheadalones: and im at your door at this very moment

jugheadalones: let me in

jugheadalones: okay great im in

hisshissmotherfucker: and i just got my phone back

hisshissmotherfucker: i will not stand for this tyranny! this is a republic not a monarchy!

wannabett: keep it up and im taking your phone back

hisshissmotherfucker: the oppression continues...

wannabett: sweet pea...

hisshissmotherfucker: fine

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

veroffica: now, let's get this party started!

10:03 PM

spillthefogarTEA: hey guys i know this is fun and exciting and all but would you mind congregating out in the living room? ive got some news

hisshissmotherfucker: anything for my best bro

jugheadalones: sure thing

10:07 PM

hisshissmotherfucker + theMANtle

hisshissmotherfucker: hey mantle are you free rn

theMANtle: yeah, you want me to come over to your trailer?

hisshissmotherfucker: yep im on my way there too

hisshissmotherfucker: see you in ten?

theMANtle: none of your friends will be there, right?

hisshissmotherfucker: nah theyre all still at veronicas party they wont even notice that im gone

theMANtle: not that im complaining, but why arent you?

hisshissmotherfucker: i needed a break

theMANtle: so you were hoping that i could help you blow off some steam? ;)

hisshissmotherfucker: that was the general idea

theMANtle: youre in luck, then. i currently have a lot of free time and what many call an impressive amount of stamina.

hisshissmotherfucker: perfect

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

10:15 PM

gays united

spillthefogarTEA: hey has anyone seen sweet pea? i could have sworn that i saw him before kevin and i made our announcement but now i cant find him anywhere

nopeaz: hes probably just in the bathroom or brooding in the corner somewhere

hbicheryl: dont worry about him just celebrate! youve officially got a new boyfriend!

spillthefogarTEA: "dont worry about him" have you MET me??

goingtoheller: babe, he probably just got bored and bailed.

goingtoheller: i know that he's your best friend, but he isn't who you're dating--i am. can't you forget about sweet pea for a little while and just relax?

spillthefogarTEA: i guess so

goingtoheller: great!

spillthefogarTEA: ill just text sp real quick and attempt to verify that hes still alive first

goingtoheller: whatever you need to do, fangs. i'll see you afterward.

10:19 PM

spillthefogarTEA + hisshissmotherfucker

spillthefogarTEA: hey sweets, i just wanted to make sure you didnt do anything stupid

spillthefogarTEA: i know that you arent kevins biggest fan, but youre my best friend and i dont want to lose you over him

spillthefogarTEA: i wish you were here to celebrate with me but i get it if you cant

spillthefogarTEA: please, just text me back whenever you see this to let me know that youre okay.

[spillthefogarTEA is offline]

10:41 PM

hisshissmotherfucker: thanks for being so understanding fangs but ngl i dont know if i can handle you dating keller

hisshissmotherfucker: i mean like you said

hisshissmotherfucker: we're best friends

hisshissmotherfucker: so i shouldnt have a problem with you going out with whoever you want

hisshissmotherfucker: but something about him just rubs me the wrong way

hisshissmotherfucker: sorry if that wasnt what you wanted to hear

[hisshissmotherfucker is offline]

Notes: Sorry, this was supposed to just be a long holiday chapter, but I had so many ideas I had to split it into two. Bear with me, please! Also, happy new year, gays! As 20gayteen comes to a close, I hope you find even more peace, prosperity, and (of course) bisexuality in 20biteen!!

[wolgrahas]

not to be horny on main bbbuuut....

it’s a fuck-ass long rant so beware lads ;’)

i just want to find someone who i can have a deep connection with and.... fuck a lot ahgagahahssjkd

i’m  a virgin and i’m horny and i have severe social anxiety and i wanna fuck with someone afdhsdagsdshs, but... with someone i love ://

and the worst thing is that i’ve been reading a lOT of smut aka written porn with felings the past days and fffffcukkkk i just wanna have someone i can share my body with and both feel good... and i’m 20 which makes everything worse bc i have never had sex and neither i’ve been interested in anyone (just... one boy... in high school... who was the only one who treated me well and well... i was 14 and fucking depressed and my family and friends treated me like shit so it was like “oooooh shit, someone who treats me well... now i wanna fuck him :))” it was kind of weird tbh, tho we didn’t even talked that much sfhfsgdagsfsdc) 

and one of the worst things is that... if i hate my (naked) body so fucking much that i can’t even show it to my mother, nor sister..... and especially any doctor (and worse if they’re a man afshsfahsfg) (and yes, a gynecologist has never checked on me agswfgdfgf) how the fUCK AM I GOING TO BE NAKED IN FRONT OF SOMEONE???? i mean... in the dress up rooms i had to change my clothes in one of the bathroom’s cabins while the rest of the girls dressed up in front of each other... and i remember the first time i had to take a shower in a broading school and i.... started crying in silence bc the glasses that separated every shower weren’t opaque :)))) ffuck... i just hate being this weak... i wanna cry m8

i’m losing the chance of meeting wonderful people and having great experiences bc of my mental illnesses... bc they make me feel like shit with such simple stuff like buying food in a supermarket or take a walk outside??? g0D i’m sooooo fucking tired man.... i just wanna be able to talk to people like a normal person, i don’t even want to be the life of the party ://

i’m so desperate to find someone who i can have a deep connection with... bc i have never had someone who understood me fully... who had the same interests... who we could share the same points of view... who i could be intimate... i have nEVER been myself with friends, sometimes i was myself with my family but they called (and keep calling me) stupid for expressing how i’m feeling or my thoughts... i just want someone who i can rely on... 

i was used to be alone most of my life... but this emptiness... this loneliness... this... hatred towards.... myself??? it is MCfucking exhausting, i can no longer stand it, i’m tired. but... what if i’m a manipulative, toxic lil bitch with my partner??? what if i’m an asshole??? what if i.........  fuck things up??? what if.... idk man, i just think that i will be hateful bitch... bc my family always told me that i was a “psycho” and a “snake” some years ago... well... my mother was the one who used to tell me these things mostly.... bc at first i hid my hatred towards her, but at the end i didn’t even care if she got offended tbqh and also: she’s a fucking abusive bitch agadfahd, bUT... i was angry, so sO fucking angry at them, so misunderstood and so alone... so... hated....i felt so guilty bc my mother is a single mother... and sometimes i thought she would had prefered if she had aborted me (even she told me that some months ago when we were arguing ahgdfhadghadg). besides, my life was a living hell in elementary and  high school... and then come back home and see that they treated me the same way wasn’t something quite wonderful y’know??, and i told them numerous times about how the bulies made fun of me and criticized my physical appearance (they constatntly called me “ugly” and even nicknamed me in elementary/high school lol) and they just usually said: “fight back” and i always thought: “gREAT BITCH, how can i fight if i stutter just looking at the bullies?????” and they were a group of six i think??? idk, and ofc, they were boys another point to prove why men suck :)))

now, how the fUCK can i have someone special in my life if i get nervous by just hearing people of my age come closer???  fffUCKKKKKKKKKKK bc in the php center i shared these thoughts and the other patients and therapist were like “but you have to meet new people to find the ‘special’ one :)” bITCH thank you i cOULDN’T EVEN KNOW THANKS FOR YOUR FUCKING ADVICE ughhhhhh, obviously i knew that shit, i just wanted to get it out of my chest and they just told me obvious stuff?? ok thanks... perks of being the only one who had severe social anxiety / avpd in the php center i guess??? ughhhh, obviously i smiled and said “thank you” bc i’m not an asshole :))), perhaps a fake bitch for not saying my real thoughts?? maybe

and besides... i haven’t talked about this with my psychologist, and i think is one of the most important things that is happening in my current life, bc srsly: i’m horny aLLL THE FUCKING TIME, but i don’t even wanna fuck anyone real, in my fantasies my partner doesn’t even have a face, it is just... the enjoyment of sharing something with someone you love and both having a good time, to be intimate with someone... but irl if a guy touches me like a handshake or touches my shoulder i become so fucking tense... with women same but not as much... i remember one of the php center therapies was massages and g0DDD i hated so fUCKING MUCHHH bc idk how the fUCK therapists didn’t notice how tense i was m8, i wanted to run away when we had that therapy and... ughhhhh i thought i was gonna die when my companion was a guy shghsfghf i just wanted to kick him the balls and run the fuck away and cry like a baby

and what i also hate about my situation is that i know lOTS of theory about: psychological and other forms of abuse when you are in a relationship (so basically, you can know when a guy is being an asshole, tho it’s not that easy bc you are in a such a bad mental state that you don’t even notice), advice when going to parties (which... tbh... i’ve never been in one, and in spain... people party a LOT agsfgfs), human physiology (y’kno... for the... ahem... sexual stuff  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), tho it’s useless bc the first time is nothing like you expect gdnabdnhgjad i guess??), postures, etc... and NO, I DIDN’T GET THIS INFORMATION BC OF PORN (basically, bc the porn industry is an industry full of abuses, sexism, unrealism and darker stuff y’kno, so... ahem... i hope the men in that industry leave women alone and those same women choke those men to death :))) ) i got it mostly by articles by sexologists and .... y’kno... people on the interenet which... i know is not a good idea ahaghhghgghgsa 

but anyway... i know i don’t have to rush... but.................. i wanna meet someone who i can be myself with??? who i can hold hands with?? who i can share the same interests?? who i can be... ahem... intimate??? that’s my wet dream m8, the sexual stuff is mostly my fantasy... but i think is bc our current society is oversexualized and quite obsessed with sex?? (thanks to the porn industry that basically only focus in the man’s pleasure and how to treat women like shit :))) ) but..... g0D, pls, why did you make me like this?? i’m such a fucking weird nerd m8, i don’t even know i’ll meet someone who i like??? all my crushes have been fictional characters?? and only one (1) guy at high school when i was 14 asfgshsfjhsjdhsgdhdg, and obviously nobody has ever had a crush on me ://, so i guess i’ll die alone ahghdsg

anyway thanks for reading the weird adventures in rami’s head, it was a pleasure lmao